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This shoulder bag from Madewell looks like a great size, and for what it is (sans zippers or feet, but with lots of leather that I'm sure is of decent quality), the price is good: $168-$178 depending on color.
You can find it at Nordstrom or Madewell; it also comes in several other sizes and shapes. (Madewell also has a happy pastel yellow version that is marked to $119.)
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
anon
I am getting a nasty case of tech neck. My neck and shoulders are constantly tight and hurting. I’m trying to do some daily stretches but I’m finding that everything gets easily aggravated again. Even sleeping wrong will do it. I’m sure this is partly a posture problem but does anyone else have some tricks for helping this along?
Anonymous
Find someone who does ART. That’s the single best thing I’ve ever found for managing the knots that show up in my neck and shoulders.
Make sure your work ergonomics are OK. For me the most important thing is to have the monitor centered at eye level. It is much, much higher than it seems like it should be but it makes a big difference.
Anon
+1 on the work station ergonomics
Sitting on your couch surfing your phone is rough on this.
Yeah, you may need to do the stretches several times a day, every day, and strengthen your upper back. You could ask for a script from your PCP for OT or PT for neck pain and get a good routine and work on it on your own. Massage will feel nice, but it doesn’t fix anything.
Anon
+2 on ergonomics. This means I can’t work on my laptop without either an external monitor or with it propped up on some books or a stand and using an external keyboard and mouse.
Runcible Spoon
I’m a big fan of the Target in-house brand Made By Design’s Cool Touch Memory Foam Bed Pillow. It has changed my sleeping life, with fewer aches and pains upon arising. I also do a pec/neck stretch that is the opposite of a lower body side-to-side twist, which I can explain further if there is any interest.
Interest
I am interested in the pec/neck stretch, please.
Runcible Spoon
lie on your side, knees bent up at a 90 degree angle, arms together straight palms facing and resting on the floor in front of your upper body, pillow under your head. Slowly bring your top arm, keeping it straight, up and to the side (across your upper body), looking at your hand and following it (thereby moving/stretching your neck) as it moves from one side of your body to the other. Get your straight arm/back of the hand as close to the floor as possible, without lifting your bent knees to follow suit, focusing on a stretch of the shoulders and on putting your shoulder blade towards the floor. hold for 10-20 seconds, then slowly bring the straight arm (and the upper torso following) back to the original position, lying quietly with arms straight out in front of you, resting for 10-20 seconds. 10 or more reps, then switch sides. Hopefully this explanation helps!
Interest
Thanks. This felt great. I used a buckwheat pillow, heated in the microwave.
Anonymous
Adding some sets of “reverse flies” or “reverse flyes” (I disagree with that spelling but you may see YouTube how-tos showing that) with light hand weights helped tremendously!!! If you don’t work out now start with like 2 lb and you can work up (I use 10s now).
anon
The irony is that I think I aggravated this whole problem when I started doing some strength training. Ugh. I will focus on work ergonomics first, and I probably just need to get myself to a PT.
Mourning
If your parent or spouse or someone with a significant relationship to you has died, how have you observed significant days in their lives after their deaths? My dad died several months ago and his birthday is coming up. I want to do something to mark the occasion, but I have no idea what that is.
Anonymous
Yes. My sister has baked a birthday cake to share with their kids for my father—who they never met. We’ve also gone to dinner that day or had a favorite drink in his honor. I think it’s a nice thing to do. I always think of my dad on his birthday and he’s been gone for 30+ years now.
anon a mouse
Honestly, I take the day off and almost always leave the day unscheduled. Sometimes I take myself to lunch. One year I curled up and read my mom’s favorite book and had sushi delivered. Sometimes I go for a long walk. Grief is so weird, and I’m never quite sure how it’s going to strike me. (The first year after her death I scheduled a massage, and halfway through I broke down sobbing and had to stop – that’s why now I leave things blank.)
My condolences on your loss.
Anonymous
My dad lost his youngest brother 8 years ago this October due to a sudden heart attack. My uncles favorite drink was an old fashioned, and he and my dad were roommates in NYC in the 70’s when they were in their 20’s (and also “roommates” with my mom and aunt, who were essentially living there!). My parents have these cocktail glasses that have a map of the Manhattan subway lines on them (they were a wedding gift 42 years ago!), and each year on my uncle’s birthday my dad makes old fashioneds and he and my mom drink them out of the Manhattan subway glasses. When I have been around them on this day, they mention that this was his favorite drink and talk about the tiny apartment with all four of them in it. Despite the reason for it, the feeling around occasion is a happy one, more of celebrating his memory than grieving it, if that makes sense.
BeenThatGuy
I’ve just been thru this also as my father passed away last year. We decided that we would celebrate him on St Joseph’s day every year. Why? Well, he grew up as the only Irish kid in an Italian neighborhood in Chicago. He always told stories how St Joseph’s Day was his favorite day as a kid. He would go to all his friend’s grandma’s houses and eat cannoli at every single house. So, this last St Joseph’s day, we ate at his favorite Italian place for dinner then ate cannoli’s and St Joseph’s zeppole’s. It was a perfect way to honor him and we intend to do it annually.
Anonymous
First, I plan in advance that I want to carve out time for something. In early days of loss, I took the day off, sometimes I went to a botanic garden or a church to reflect. I pull out old photo albums the weekend before, and spend some time looking at old photos and remember old times. Also now, (some years later when it’s not as raw) I make a birthday cake for them and toast them.
Anon
condolences on your loss. my mother passed away a few years ago. she loved tea and tulips, so since then every year on her bday i have a tea party with my kids (they were 1 when she passed away and are now 4) and talk about her, etc. to help keep her memory alive. i also facetime with my dad and sibling. on the anniversary of her death i also facetime with my dad and sibling, but i don’t do anything else to mark that occasion bc i’d rather focus on her bday which feels happier and more positive.
Anonymous
The first birthday after my grandmother died I baked her a cake and left the candle to burn all the way down.
OOO
We donate to charity on my late father’s birthday. It’s a tradition in my Hindu family.
Anon
I think about this a lot lately. Both my spouse and I lost parents young and neither one of us likes to do a big production on the day, but we will usually comment and maybe do a small toast. My best friend lost her mother a few years ago and she prefers to take the day off and really do something special. For some reason I thought of doing that for myself is not very comfortable or in line with the way I am emotionally. I’ve been bothered by my friend’s implication that I’m not doing enough to mark the day for my own mother’s death. She backpedaled and apologized the last time that it came up, which was fine, but I know she thinks I don’t do enough and that it’s weird. Also, her sister, who I am also friends with, seems to find it almost offensive to discuss any other subjects on the anniversary and I find that kind of hard as well. I don’t judge her for doing whatever she needs to do to get through the day, plus her loss was somewhat more recent than mine, but there have been times when I didn’t appreciate being made to feel insensitive because I mentioned something else going on on that day. I guess we just have really different styles and that is why it has been on my mind.
Anonymous
I posted above about what my dad does to honor his brother/my uncle. My husband’s mother passed away when he was 14. We’ve talked about her passing before and family friends have mentioned that it was a very dark and rough time for my husband and FIL for a few years after. My husband is now 38 and doesn’t do anything specific (as far as I am aware) on either his mom’s birthday or anniversary of her death. I don’t believe my FIL does either. We talk about his mom openly, and he shares anecdotes, but there is zero production. Not that you need it or were asking for it, but this internet stranger is here to reassure you that you do not need to make it a production in the slightest. I’m very sorry that your friends make you feel that way.
SSS
My dad died two days before my 14th birthday, 20 years ago. I usually think about him on that day, and sometimes I do something I think he’d approve of (even if it’s just puttering around my house) and his birthday is my phone password, but I often don’t remember his birthday on the day of. But my dad was a super chill guy and I think he would be mortified if we did any of those types of rituals. (Not that I think there’s anything wrong with them! Just not my family’s style – we are emotionally buttoned down WASPy types, but make it redneck.) We do share stories, and we do silly things that he would do (my personal favorites are howling at the moon and singing “nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms” – my SIL was like “wtf is that song?” when I sang it recently while visiting and my brother explained it), but that stuff is more throughout the year and happens organically. There’s no right way to grieve, and the thing is, life goes on.
amberwitch
Same. Lost my mother at 15, which is more than 30 years ago, so I have been without a mother for twice as long as I had her.
It happened, it was hard, but I have no need to make a production out of it at this point.
Her sister leaves flowers at the cemetery on her birthday, I go whenever I am in that part of the country.
Mourning
Thank you all for these responses. I like the stories about how you remember your loved ones years later. And there are reminders in here too that we all mourn differently.
Maybe I just need to do something this year – anything- it may be the same thing I do next year and it may not, and that’s okay too. As much as I believe I’d like to have a new tradition to celebrate the life and mourn the passing, I need to remember that I don’t have to figure it all out this year. Type A personality calm down, please.
Katie
My sister passed a few years ago. I don’t schedule anything on the day – at best, maybe I’ll get in a few hours of work from home to stay distracted, but the first two years I took the day off. We have a memorial bench in her honor in the town where we grew up. I haven’t been to visit it yet (too hard) but I have flowers delivered to the bench and the local florist sends me a photo of the flowers there. There’s no right or wrong answer here. Grief is individual and it’s non-linear and it’s not always rational. We each cope differently. Sending you peace.
anon
For me, it’s a great day to do something the deceased liked to do, and to talk about the deceased with loved ones. I like it to be as celebratory as possible rather than mournful.
Anon
Me too. Others should absolutely do what they feel best doing, but being shrouded in a dark cloak and speaking in hushed tones on the day just doesn’t feel right for me personally.
anon
We go out for ice cream on my FIL’s birthday every year. It was his absolute favorite treat, so it’s something small yet meaningful we can do as a family. But, my god, none of that overpriced gourmet ice cream or he’d haunt us, haha. Only diner style (or Dairy Queen style) will do.
Anon
Your FIL and I would’ve gotten along. One of my biggest food pet peeves is when ice cream parlors try to get “creative.” No, I don’t need lavender sesame or thyme lemon ice cream, kthanx.
nuqotw
I’m so sorry; that’s very hard.
I call my mother on my dad’s birthday, the anniversary of his death, and their wedding anniversary. There are a few solo activities I enjoy when I’m missing him, like listening to his favorite music or eating his favorite foods. It took us all a little while to find a new normal and ways we like to remember.
anon
I’m so sorry for your loss. My dad passed away unexpectedly a few years ago. Me and my husband go out to dinner with my mom.
Anon
My mom’s birthday is Wednesday. She passed 18 years ago, and was a big gardener and loved hummingbirds. So every year on her birthday I buy a big hanging fuschia plant and spend some time at the nursery enjoying the plants and the potential. My husband often has his dad’s favorite drink on his birthday. The first few years are tough, so give yourself grace if you don’t find the right thing this year.
AIMS
I agree that the first few years are different. I found the need for something spiritual to be really great in the beginning whereas now I may just watch my dad favorite movie on his birthday or just tell stories about him to my kids over dinner.
I’m sorry for your loss, OP, and everyone’s losses really. So many beautiful thoughts here.
Anon
Can someone educated on immigration policy talk about reform options? The situation at the border is so awful. Biden’s sending troops now to help (strictly to do backroom paperwork, not border enforcement), but clearly we need to do something. Blue cities are hollering at Abbott… This is such a humanitarian stain on our national conscience. They expect 13,000 immigrants to cross the border every day! That’s an astounding 4.7 million people per year.
I’m all for liberal immigration policies – I’m the daughter of an immigrant myself and believe America is at its finest when we welcome the huddled masses yearning to breathe free. But I was speaking with a newly arrived immigrant (not from Latin/South America), and she asked why we don’t just build a wall to let people know, “Hey, really, you have to do the paperwork. You can’t just walk in. Stay where you are.” And I didn’t have an answer for her. I know people would try to tunnel under, etc, but it feels like we’ve reached this new level where there are refugee camps on our doorstep and that just feels so wrong and I don’t know how we fix it. But holy cow, we’ve got to do something!
Anonymous
A wall doesn’t work. No one is trekking through the Darien Gap unless they are desperate and scared. Just look at the situation in Europe – an ocean doesn’t help stop illegal immigration there. Generally solutions look like better more accessible pathways to legal immigration while at the same time, sending back illegal immigrants. People try to immigrate illegally if the legal pathways (either immigration or refugee based) are unviable.
Programs like seasonal agricultural workers have been somewhat successful in Canada – people get a visa It’s an imperfect program but generally works well. People work on a farm for 3-4 months and then return home. They are provided with accommodation while they are working.
Loosen sponsorship requirements for people with family here – make it easier for people who are here legally to bring in their relatives. This is more likely to result in better integration as well because they have local connections to help them get jobs and paperwork dealt with.
The real long term solution is better economic equality across countries but that’s not happening easily or anytime soon given that income inequality is worsening in many countries and will continue to worsen through cuts to public education and social services. Illegal immigration is going to be an ongoing problem in US and Europe for a long time.
Anon
What other developed country in the world has unfettered immigration?
Anon
I’m in New England, so my knowledge of the border situation is really limited to what I read in the news; it’s otherwise (unfortunately) out of sight, out of mind around here.
I’m a moderate democrat, but more liberal towards immigration; I am very sympathetic to the fact that everyone attempting to cross the border is just looking for a better life. I acknowledge that the current process does not work, and that that increases the number of people crossing illegally (because it is too difficult / time consuming to do so legally). I don’t know enough about immigration, policy, or economics to propose a better solution.
The sheer numbers of people crossing / attempting to cross are mind blowing. While I am in favor of allowing more people in, the U.S. cannot absorb a steady stream of 4.7 million immigrants each year (and I do believe that the more we allow in, the more will attempt to come). Obviously, part of the solution needs to be addressing the violence, governance, and economic situations in Central and South America. However, I don’t see that happening in the near future… Nor, do I have any ideas on how to encourage that change.
The situation at the border is heartbreaking, but I really don’t know what to do…
Anon
One thing people often don’t realize is that the legal family immigration system is SO broken. I will be vague so as not to out myself, but we can’t bring my spouse’s family here because the wait time for one family member is a year and for the other, it’s 15-20 years, and they have to come together. My spouse is a U.S. citizen and we have enough money to fully support them here. Is it any wonder that families in similar situations get desperate?
Anonymous
This. Fixing legal immigration would go a long way to fixing illegal immigration. People would feel less desperate if they only had to ‘hold on’ in their home country situation for a few months before getting help from family. Applying and hearing that you have 10 years before you can get out of a dangerous situation will make a person do desperate things.
Anon
Why the different timelines? And why SO different? That is crazy.
Anon
Yes, it’s really crazy. It’s arbitrary distinctions between “immediate” and non-immediate family and it breaks families up for decades.
anonshmanon
yes on fixing legal immigration. Fund immigration services to just increase processing speed. Why does it take the department of labor a year to assess each employer sponsored green card petition? After USCIS approves the work permit, why does it take another year, just to print the actual card? Country quota systems that make Indian applicants wait ten times longer than Italian applicants, with equal credentials. You could probably increase processing fees by 50% and cover most of the cost, and employers would eat it up, if things just wouldn’t take years and years.
And the same needs to happen for humanitarian immigration. Fund the system for reasonable processing times.
Anon
I don’t think we should have a system where anyone can just walk in (it results in a system that’s bad for everyone, including undocumented immigrants vulnerable to exploitation), but the only people who could possibly think that a gigantic border wall is a good idea are city people who have no idea what most of the 1950 miles of southern border actually look like and how completely and utterly impractical it is to just build a wall that will actually stay standing on that kind of terrain and manage to keep people out for more than a few months. Solutions are complicated and will require a mix of making it easier to come legally and other enforcement (like making it harder to be employed without documentation), as well as just making it less desirable for people to leave their home countries. It will require hard work and compromise to do that, which seems unlikely when people would rather just rant about immigration for political gain.
Anon
“but the only people who could possibly think that a gigantic border wall is a good idea are city people who have no idea what most of the 1950 miles of southern border actually look like and how completely and utterly impractical it is to just build a wall that will actually stay standing on that kind of terrain and manage to keep people out for more than a few months.”
Louder for the people in the back.
I grew up on the NM/Texas border when the Rio Grande was still running at a pretty good flow through that area. There would be times during the spring, and after heavy rains, when people trying to cross the river would get swept away and drown. That did not stop people. Armed militiamen at the border have not stopped people. Creating a physical barrier at the border is a pointless boondoggle being pushed by people who want to get rich off of the bloated government contracts that would be required to build a border wall (if you don’t believe me, look up how much money got embezzled from previous projects designed to “build the wall”). We have to fix legal immigration and – we also have to start penalizing businesses that hire undocumented immigrants. Very large corporations – Cargill, Marriott, Hilton, ConAgra, etc. make their money off the backs of the undocumented. What if we started holding those corporations responsible for hiring undocumented workers – which they know is illegal! instead of penalizing the workers?
Anon
I’m all for penalizing Marriott for hiring illegal workers, but I’m not sure it’s going to to deter anyone from coming here. There’s always going to be off the books work available in people’s homes like cleaners, landscapers, etc.
Anonymous
Not to mention a decent chunk of border land is privately owned, and last time I checked, those in favor of building a border wall also frequently overlap with people opposed to the government using eminent domain to seize privately-held land, so there’s some fun mental tension.
Anon
The long-term strategy is to invest in the countries they are emigrating from. That is what the Partnerships for Central America is trying to achieve, anyway. My company alone is investing $160M over the next 5 years, which is just a small drop in the ocean, but both the US gov and many other large companies are investing as well. It will take a long time to see meaningful change, however. I have no idea what the right answer is for the short-term crisis at the border today.
Cleaning fake grass
How would you clean astroturf on a balcony? We have “high quality” fake grass lining our small balcony. It’s nice enough that it looks real at first glance so the strands are quite long. It’s gone through a winter and is probably pretty dirty. I can’t use a hose or anything that drips a ton of water onto other people’s balconies. I was thinking of maybe just sweeping it with a broom-brush?
Anon
Roll it up and take it someplace you can clean it properly. A manual car wash is perfect for this if you don’t know someone with a pressure washer.
Anon
Car or dog wash station is the best option. If you don’t have one of those near you, take it down to ground level and shake it out really good until it stops shedding dirt. Then take it into the shower and spray it down, let it drain, and put it back outside.
Anonymous
My DH and I were watching Succession last night and he was remarking how much he hates Shiv’s clothes. I agreed that they were unusual but mostly because it’s rare to see her body type in such tailored clothes. What are the hive’s thoughts?
Anon
I loved her outfits last night, and I haven’t been as into her choices this season (hated that beige-brown elastic waist pant from the premiere). Thought she looked great in the more form-fitting, tailored pieces and finally no turtlenecks!
ANON
The black suit was hot. The white suit at the reception was not flattering and it wasn’t super tailored to her body?
Anon
Both the actress and the character are trying to hide a pregnancy, which certainly explains some of her look this season.
Anon
This.
Monday
I hate the character, but I don’t hate her clothes. She seems to dress formally almost all the time, and I think that makes sense for someone who can’t trust literally anyone in her life. Her tendency toward brown and beige or ivory also makes sense for a redhead; those are good colors for her.
Anon
Agree on the color scheme, but I don’t hate the character!
Monday
To be fair, I don’t like any of the characters. Shiv is just especially low on my list because I don’t find her funny, even to laugh at not with. I’d say the same of Logan.
Anonymous
Her body type? You think only women with a certain body type can look professional.
Anon
I love her clothing. She wears a tailored look, realistic for what someone with her life and aspirations would wear. The unrealistic stuff on TV all of these supposedly high powered women slinking around in skin tight dresses all the time.
Anon
Agreed. I don’t know any professional women who wear tight sheath dresses with 4 inch heels to work. TV and movies just show that for the male gaze. I love how Shiv dresses for her average sized yet curvy body. Business clothing can look va-va-voom or frumpy if you have curves but Shiv’s outfits are flattering.
Anonymous
+1, the last thing a real person would do is dress sexy when she is trying to be taken seriously. Folks who think that’s frumpy must not work in a business environment.
anon
I like her clothes, too. They look very realistic.
Anon8
I hate her clothes! I’ve always thought her outfits look frumpy and jarring compared to the other female characters. I assume it’s an intentional choice that Shiv is seeking power but ultimately uncomfortable and not in her element in the business world. FWIW I love Shiv and think Sarah Snook always looks gorgeous, it’s just the outfits I don’t like.
Seventh Sister
Her clothing is beautiful and very, very expensive, but there is always something off – wrong color, wrong cut, pieces don’t coordinate, etc. I think it’s a deliberate choice for the character and the costume designer is a genius. Somebody like Shiv has people (PA, stylist, probably a whole glam team on retainer) that pick out everything from her lip gloss to her wedding gown. But she doesn’t really listen to them – she asks for the flattering coat but in an unflattering blush, the chic heels but in a fussy beige, wears the fancy Tom Ford suit but doesn’t get her hair done, and so on and so forth. Also since she’s a “real” Roy (not by marriage), she’s not super thin because her appearance isn’t what got her into the family – she’s blood family (unlike Marcia and Willa and Rava). I also think they play up her curves since her mom is so skinny and critical that you just *know* Caroline rags Shiv about Shiv’s weight whenever they talk (if they do talk at this point).
Anonymous
Do you draw lines with your DH or boyfriend regarding how many times you’ll talk about the same thing over and over? I grew up in a home where this was NOT done so doing it makes me feel mean, given the situation, but IDK I also can’t take it anymore.
Long story short, we’re in our middle 30s and only married a few years and did not live together, so we’re both learning A LOT about how the other person operates in ways that you just don’t learn if you’re not together all the time. So DH has developed what looks to be an auto immune type of issue. I feel completely bad for him as this has changed his life and ours together. Lots of doctors visits, doctors either say tests are fine and shrug, or put him on some med to regulate his blood pressure they think will help. He’ll take the med for a short period of time and say it doesn’t help or makes him feel worse. Most doctors at that point give up, some suggest anxiety or depression. So we’re still working on finding the solution and desperately hope one exists because he isn’t feeling well – headaches, light headed all the time, and I do feel bad.
Problem is this is ALL he talks about. Then gets mad at me for not understanding how it is for him. If I so much as make a suggestion like let’s sit outside and get some sun or maybe try some yoga or whatever, he won’t do it. FWIW I’m NOT trying to say yoga cures medical problems but I do think there is some benefit to movement and outdoors – even if just as distraction for a half hour.
I guess I’ve gotten used to this cycle but it smacked me last weekend when we had friends stop by for the first time in a LONG time. They were passing through our city and were just going to stop for an hour or two on their drive. Great. Well the wife in the couple is an anesthesiologist, and DH spent the ENTIRE two hours talking about his health. You can tell the dr wife had nothing to say really as this isn’t her field and just encouraged him to keep pursuing answers, but DH would not move past it. Any time I tried to distract the conversation – it was back to DH a few minutes later. I almost felt bad that these folks went out of their way to see us. I understand how it’s all consuming for him to not feel well, I also feel like hanging out with a friend he’s known since high school could have been a nice distraction. What are your views on line drawing?
Anon
He needs therapy.
Anon
+1. This is not a line drawing thing. This isn’t a “we didn’t live together before we were married” thing. His life has changed dramatically and he needs help accepting the unknown of his current medical situation. If he doesn’t, he will drive everyone in his life away. I hate the trite sayings like, “Only you can choose how happy you are” – because I am a glass half empty kind of person naturally and only antidepressants make me better – but if he doesn’t find a way to make peace with the hand he’s been dealt, he’s going to end up alone and friendless. My FIL has not a single friend – not a one – because he’s been talking about N-O-T-H-I-N-G other than aches and pains for 20+ years. My MIL was a special needs kindergarten teacher and has the patience of a literal saint and even her disdain for him is obvious. My cousin who was diagnosed with MS shortly before getting married ended up divorced because she was horrible and unpleasant about the diagnosis – it wasn’t the disease that broke them up (she’s still relatively healthy 18 years later, so it wasn’t caregiving that made her husband file for divorce) – it was her bitterness about the diagnosis.
He gets to choose how to handle this medical situation and you get to choose what kind of life you lead. PS: he might benefit from antidepressants or anxiety meds if a therapist thinks his obsession goes beyond just a lack of acceptance.
anon
Agreed – and he wants to want to address this. Draw some boundaries — tell him how it’s impacting you, tell him how much you’re willing to talk about it, and then keep that boundary. If he keeps talking after a gentle reminder, stop responding, leave the room, leave the house, etc. It will be hard to do, but is better.
Anonymous
I don’t have any great advice but I can attest that if you feel very sick or are in a lot of pain all the time, it is VERY VERY VERY difficult not to focus on trying to solve that 100 percent of the time. I was your husband in this situation and I know it was hard for my spouse. We had done of our worst ever fights (exacerbated bc I was not sleeping from discomfort so was really irritable). I went to therapy and even with a therapist’s help it was extremely challenging not to talk about it most of the time- when you are experiencing it, you’re experiencing it new every moment and it’s in your face all the time. Therapy did help some so that’s probably my recommendation. Having my husband say he didn’t want to talk about it anymore led us to the brink of divorce because at that point I was so miserable that finding a solution was really the only thing that mattered to me and it felt like my spouse couldn’t possibly live me if he said that. This was 12 years ago and we are still married but honestly if I hadn’t gotten better I’m not sure what would have happened.
Anon
Thank you.
anon
Ooof, I was prepared to defend your DH, but this sounds all-consuming and miserable to be around. I do think he needs therapy to deal with the emotional aspects of his condition.
Anonymous
For something that’s clearly an ongoing issue it’s not unreasonable to set boundaries. Like you’ll talk about it for 30 minutes a day but that’s it unless there is a significant new development – like the same day he has an appointment that he has with a specialist that he has been waiting months to get in to see.
Anonymous
I think this is beyond drawing a line. I know it’s frequently cited here but I would definitely talk to a therapist. It would help for you to have a safe space to process your feelings and practice having these types of conversations with your husband. Wow – this sounds like a lot to be dealing with, especially in the early years of a marriage.
Anonymous
my brother does this – i always joke that when people say “how are you doing?!” i now realize no one actually wants an honest answer.
it’s totally changed my relationship with him – i feel like we have very little to talk about. i’m sorry it’s your husband.
(could he have BPPV? Epley maneuver made me feel a ton better.)
Anon
Oh, wow…… I’m so sorry. For you. For him.
He definitely needs a therapist. Things like this happen in medicine. Sometimes the diagnosis is not clear. Sometimes it is over time. Sometimes it isn’t. It can cause a huge amount of anxiety/depression in some people. Not so surprising….. And then the anxiety/depression can make the symptoms/problem worse, so it is a vicious cycle.
There are a lot of medical problems that don’t have cures, are not life threatening, but cause long term symptoms and/or disability. Part of the treatment is looking at how these things affect your mood, and developing coping mechanisms. Having social outlets, doing yoga(you are right!!), treating depression, joining support groups, counseling etc… are all beneficial.
Meanwhile, I hope he is following at least one doctor’s plan/recommendations because if he is just blowing off their instructions I worry even more that his mood issues are confounding everything.
Anon
As someone with a couple chronic health conditions that took a long time to get diagnosed and still aren’t anywhere near as under control as I’d like, I have a lot of sympathy for your husband. It’s hard to feel lousy all the time, and it’s even harder when you don’t know why or if you’ll ever feel better. However, it’s pretty much guaranteed that obsessing about it doesn’t make him feel better and probably makes him feel worse. It will definitely make him feel worse if he alienates all his friends. This is another crappy part of having a chronic illness- you scare people away when you talk about it too much, but if you don’t tell people what’s going on and try to hide it, you also end up turning people off because they think you’re acting weird or you just drift apart because you no longer feel close. I mostly chose the second path, of not telling people, and I think that hasn’t worked out very well either. All of which is to say, I think it’s worth trying to very carefully talk to him about trying to do things to distract himself, rather than focus on his symptoms all the time. Life keeps going, and you need to figure out how to live it as you are. But be very clear you’re still there to hear him out when he needs it, just not all day every not day, for his sake.
Anon
Me too. It took 4-5 years to get diagnosed with my autoimmune disease, and then when they finally did decide to call it something, it was never black and white like you 100% have this. It’s very confusing. He needs to stick with his medication, though. Most of these medications take a long time to really start working at their peak.
Anonymous
Honestly I wouldn’t stay in this marriage. It does sound like a mental health issue and you only have one life don’t waste it on him. He just stops taking his meds? Ok well then they won’t fix it.
Anonymous
+1 you are young and don’t have kids. This guy is just self centered.
Anon
I second all the other calls for professional help. Unfortunately, he is entering the cycle where he wants connection with others more than ever, but his behavior will drive them away. It’s very hard and sad for many reasons, and something that many people with chronic problem to go through, but the fact is is that people are not going to stick around if it’s as bad as you say. Several family members have gone through this and while they were all grateful for people not giving up on them, they ultimately said that they knew they were ruminating way too much and that they wish they had been cut off sooner.
Anonymous
This is about a friend, not a spouse (so worse and more high-stakes situation for you), but I really like CaptainAwkwards advice on boundaries here:
https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/28/question-143-i-lent-an-ear-to-a-friend-how-do-i-get-it-back/
Anonymous
It may be time for you to find a support system for yourself related to the illness. Even if you don’t have a diagnosis that he thinks is quite right, there are groups out there for the spouses of people with chronic illness. You’re not alone in your frustration.
Anon
Very late reply but in hopes this is helpful to you or someone in the future:
My husband had to draw some boundaries on me regarding my complaining about work a few years (I know this is a very different situation than a health concern). One day he frustratedly stopped me and just flat out said “I love you. If you want to leave this job, I will do anything to support you. We can move to a different city. We can figure out a way to let you stay home and I support us. Whatever it is, we’ll do it. But if you chose to stay, I cannot keep listening to you complain about it. You have to stop.”
Honestly, it hurt my feelings, we had a rough couple of days/weeks and even a couple of months where I had to rebalance what I said to him regarding work. But, he was right and I’m thankful he said something. I’m also very thankful that he expressed support of me while focusing on stopping the complaining. While setting the boundary I would definitely focus on that- come up with (even extreme) things you’re willing to do to help support your husband: second opinion at Mayo? FMLA and you support the household for a while? I don’t know, just some random ideas. But anyway, focus on how you still want to support him, you just can’t support the constant conversations/complaining.
SSS
I had a super-low stakes (and slightly ruder) version of this, Anon – my mom is constantly complaining that her nose itches; it’s very likely seasonal allergies (I have a million of them), but she won’t use Flonase because she doesn’t like the nasal application. I finally snapped at her that I didn’t want to hear her constantly complaining about it when there was something easily available and at worst only mildly unpleasant that could help. (I take Flonase daily during my bad allergy seasons, so I know how it can suck and how to make it not suck, but she won’t listen.) I would recommend the softer approach of Anon’s husband here; my mother just manages to push all my buttons! (But on the bright side she has stopped complaining about it when we talk.)
DC Pandas
Has anyone successfully improved their attention span?
I find myself very distracted at work, and I’m having a hard time “bucking down” on complex tasks. Even outside of work, I feel like I can barely finish a 45 minute tv show without scrolling on my phone or another screen.
Runcible Spoon
I feel seen. I sometimes take a couple of Sudafed if I need to focus on a task, deadline approaching, etc. Not an ideal solution, but the kitchen and tv call to me when I wfh.
Anon
Putting away the phone is a start. Scrolling is terrible terrible for quality reading/attention.
Yoga, mindfulness/meditation. Getting enough sleep.
anon
+1,000 to all of this.
Anon
I do the Pomodoro method but with shorter time blocks.
I can’t just watch tv so I try to knit or color or something that’s distracting but less distracting than my phone.
Anonymous
no ideas but omg yes me too
SSS
For me what helps is Pomodoros, focus music (although sometimes it makes me anxious if I’m already stressed), ASMR (there’s a Youtube channel called ASMR Weekly that does Harry Potter-themed Pomodoro sessions that have done wonders for my productivity). I also leave my phone in another room if I don’t need it (our stupid consultants have multi-factor authentication on their file-sharing site and it logs out at random intervals). I second the suggestion for knitting during TV watching. (Also, have you been tested for ADHD? You might have the inattentive type.)
Reading
Try listening to Ezra Klein’s podcast interview with Professor Maryann Wolf (late 2022, I think). She talks about different kinds of reading (ie, reading something substantive, on paper, in a quiet place as opposed to flipping through a magazine, online, in a loud and crowded space). You might get some ideas that could help you design a breakthrough?
Anon
Has anyone noticed that the comments numbers the last few weeks have been much lower than usual? Is it because of spring break? People leaving? Thoughts?
Anon
I have been thinking the same thing.
Anonymous
I think there’s always a dip around now.
Anon
There’s a really annoying video ad that takes over a large portion of the screen on my phone recently, so I definitely find myself less likely to check or comment on my phone because it’s so annoying.
Anon
Yes it’s so hard to read on my phone! And I don’t use my work computer for anything personal so…
Anon
+1
anon
I use the browser Brave on my phone to surf this site – no ads!
Anonymous
Yep. And it plays noise after awhile which is worse than right away. Absolutely obnoxious and a reason I don’t scroll on zoom calls anymore.
Curious
+1
Anon
I think they ebb and flow and aren’t unusual or a sign of impending doom.
Anon8
I noticed the same thing too! I’ve actually found myself commenting less than usual because it seems like the top-level comments have been somewhat boring lately (SORRY, not directed at anyone in particular, just seems like there’s been less juicy discussions lately).
Anon
It’s a weird combo of low stakes (non-juicy) but with tons of catty responses a lot of the time lately.
Anon
Backpackers! Is there a lightweight water filter that you could recommend? This is for shared (not just personal) use so that everyone doesn’t have to bring a filter (but we have filter + spare filter). Our main filter failed to filter any water on a recent trip. I got a replacement to duplicate the spare one that bailed us out, but then got fussed at that it was “too heavy.” The spare was carried without fuss or drama by a 40ish mom who had a 30ish pound pack (that also included a jet boil and a tent). This is a pump-style filter (failed filter was a gravity-fed filter that worked in spring 2022 but failed to have water run through it in spring 2023 so I guess maybe it wasn’t cleaned before storing or got gunky, so probably user error). I feel like the gravity-fed one was hard to use, especially in shallow water.
DC Pandas
I am obsessed with my gravity Platapus filter. I would ask around a local outdoor store for recommendations given certain circumstances (low/shallow water) and see if they have any that work best in your region.
Anon
Sawyer; it screws onto the tall skinny smart water bottle. We love ours!
Elle
+1 we love our Sawyer squeeze
Anon
Who here has had sclerotherapy? It is injections into spider veins and smaller varicose veins. Advice? How was it IRL in terms of pain, downtime, recovery, etc.
Tipping Lawyers
I am an attorney in solo practice. For some bizarre reason, several of my clients in the last few weeks have sent me… cash tips? One tried slipping me cash so I ended up just setting it as a credit on their bill but they’ve just sent in their payment and the envelope also included a visa gift card. Another client just rounded up their invoice (think $1,356.23 rounded up to $1,400), so I’m sending them a check back for the overage. Is there a better way to handle this? I’ve had clients show appreciation via food/wine gifts before but this feels very weird. Am I just overthinking this?
Anon
The visa gift card I’d just keep, but otherwise I’d send some kind of note or communication when you refund people to say the thought is appreciated but tipping is unnecessary, so they know it’s deliberate.
Senior Attorney
Just keep it. If you’re in solo practice it’s not like there’s any issue of appropriating money that should go to the firm, and they’re trying to show their appreciation. What possible upside is there to possibly offending or embarassing them over such small amounts of money? Declare it as income and move on.
Anon
Or give the extra to your assistant/secretary/associate. Taxed, of course.
Anon
FWIW, a newish accounting client overpaid me the first couple of times I did their tax returns. “It’s a tip” when I brought it up. I said you don’t tip accountants! I think it’s the generational thing of tipping everything and everyone that seems to have crept in the last 10 years or so.
Anon
I hate tipping culture and this is a perfect example of why. It’s getting SO out of hand.
Anonymous
I just got divorced and am trying to get back out on the dating scene for the first time in 18 years… can someone point me to a good starting place to find out about current dating etiquette? When I was younger I generally waited for men to ask me out (I’ve asked men out but never with success) and would wait 2-4 days to respond to online messages, 4-12 hours to texts. No Friday or Saturday dates if they didn’t ask by Wednesday. Who pays? Ugh.
Anon
I’m probably your age or older and long-married but these rules seemed too rigid and game-playing to me even when I was dating. I’d definitely offer to pay for your portion of the bill.
Anon
+1 way too rigid. Who’s counting hours before replying to texts??
anon
I dated online for a long, long time before getting married 3 years ago at age 40, so I feel like I have fairly recent knowledge. Everything is way more fluid now – respond to online messages as soon as you feel ready to (if you’re excited, don’t wait!); last-minute dates are a ton more common so the idea that if he asks you out on Friday that means you were a second choice/lower priority is not current. In my dating experience, it was still the man who typically set up the date and the man virtually always paid. I’m in SEUS, though, so the latter piece could be different elsewhere.
Senior Attorney
The first time my husband asked me to dinner at his house, it was on Thursday for a Saturday dinner. I arrived and it was a whole sit-down dinner for 8. I naturally assumed I was the second choice date because who on Earth plans sit-down dinner for 8 on Thursday for Saturday? Then after I got to know him better I discovered the answer is “he does.”
Anyway, my only rule was “don’t chase boys,” which for me meant I responded promptly if I was enthusiastic but I was also mindful that I wasn’t the only one making things move forward.
I’d say for the first date the asker pays, after that it’s good to at least offer to split, or alternate paying.
Anon
Pretty much all of that can be thrown away. If you wait a few days to respond to messages, I don’t think things will progress much for you.
With the caveat that I’m 28 so have only ever dated on the apps, there’s no waiting time to respond to messages or texts. I check Hinge a few times a day and that’s when I respond to messages. I usually respond to texts messages within a few hours because I don’t like texting and having to carry on a conversation with someone I barely know. I only exchange numbers after the first date, but I know that’s uncommon.
I try to move from messaging to meeting fairly quickly.
Men usually ask me out, but I’ve asked them on occasion.
I always offer to split the bill on the first few dates. It’s about 50/50 if he pays or we split it. It also seems to be 50/50 among my female friends who offers to split and who expects the man to get the bill on a first date.
Anon
Oh my. How old are you? When did you last online date? I’m 41 now and met my husband on Tinder when I was 35. I’d say none of what you’ve written applied 6 years ago, so I’m sure it’s even less applicable now.
– Ask a guy out if you’re interested. (But for future contact, know that if a guy is into you, he’ll be obvious about it – guys are obvious creatures. Don’t spend any time wondering, “Does he like me?” He’ll ask you out, he’ll text you, etc if he does.)
– Wait a couple hours max to respond to online messages. Ditto for texts. It’s ok to message back and forth instantaneously in the app – you want to have that convo to see if you get a vibe.
– Don’t message for more than a day or two in the app. Switch to grabbing a coffee or a drink ASAP. You can have all the chemistry in the world online but none in person and you’ll have wasted tons of time.
– Go out whenever it fits your schedule. Weekends aren’t “reserved for your best gal” kind of nights anymore.
– Didn’t feel it with a guy? Don’t ghost. “Tim, I enjoyed meeting you last night, but I didn’t feel that spark I’m looking for. Best wishes out there dating. Take care.”
Anon
Great list. Don’t insist on a phone call, don’t exchange two dozen messages, just ask the guy out if he’s sent 3+ messages and there aren’t red flags. I judge the guy almost exclusively by his profile. After years of using dating apps I realized the quality of the messages has little correlation to chemistry in person.
Anon
Anon at 4:31 here with another tip that might make you feel more comfortable: have a default first date restaurant or coffee shop to suggest. You’ll feel comfortable in a familiar space and you can build a rapport with staff so they can check in with you during the date. (Don’t choose somewhere too close to your house just in case of creepers.)
Anon
Great advice (I am also a veteran online dater). Another personal rule of mine is that if I’m not interested in the guy, I will not let him pay the bill.
anon
Agree with all of this as someone in my 40s who has dated on and off the apps for a longgggg time.
Anon
I get what OP is saying though. Interested men pursue. And we kind of need to see that. That said, flirting is allowed, which I take to mean messaging but making sure they are in the game.
Anon
Thank you. If he’s interested, he will ask you out.
Anon
Yeah, but interested women also need to pursue.
anon
Agreed, to an extent. Both parties should absolutely be active participants, but IME more women chase men who aren’t as interested/accept basement level participation than men who chase women who aren’t as interested.
Monday
As you see here, there is no universal agreement on these questions. People are all over the map, and that’s fine. You will find out quickly what you’re comfortable with and not comfortable with. Dating on the apps is hard enough without thinking there’s some rulebook that everyone has but you–there isn’t! Move as slowly as you like, and keep whatever boundaries work for you. Good luck!
Anon
If you wait 2-4 days to respond to a message, he will think you’re not interested or you’re ghosting him, and he will unmatch you.
Anonymous
Don’t forget to seek out dates and flirt in person. You don’t have to date exclusively through the apps. I’ve had success meeting people in multiple places over the last 5 years without ever opening a dating app.
Anon
Oh sweetie, no one goes by The Rules anymore. You’ll get some good advice here. If you still have any of those old books, just throw them out; none of the advice applies any more (if it ever actually did).
Anon
I’m 42 and the Rules was seen as super outdated when I was a teen and 20-something.
Senior Attorney
I agree that The Rules are ridiculously outdated. I did read one good rule in some dating book when I was last dating 8ish years ago, though: Always have more men in the pipeline. Keep your options open and don’t stop accepting new dates just because you’ve had one good date with somebody. If Mr. One Good Date turns out to be a dud, it eases the pain a lot to have more options to turn to.
Anon
I last dated in 1998. I didn’t play any games and usually insisted on splitting the bill. That’s a bunch of nonsense you’re spouting there.
Anon
I just read an article about the surgeon general’s report on loneliness and how harmful it is. Even as an active, social, extrovert this is something that can be challenging for me, and I make an extreme amount of effort to go into the office (more than is required), socialize with friends and family (in person), and join activities in my community. I also have a reputation among friends scattered far and wide as being someone who is great at staying in touch.
I live alone and need a few hours of in-person human interaction every day for my mental health. So much of what was previously done in person has shifted online, friends/family/coworkers moved farther away during the pandemic, so many groups or activities never came back after the pandemic, and pretty much everything involves spending money.
No specific comments, but just commenting that I have felt this way for a while and it was nice to see my feelings “proven” by the report.
Anon
<3 hugs. I haven't read the report but totally agree with what you're saying. I have a husband and kids, so not the same situation (in fact I wish I had more time physically alone) but I'm definitely feeling the lack of emotional connection with friends and co-workers and even strangers. Texting and seeing people on Zoom just isn't the same and I feel like I rarely have in-person interaction with people who aren't in my household.
nuqotw
Has anyone bought anything from LilySilk and can comment on quality / fit / work appropriateness?
I want to get myself this dress for my birthday: https://www.lilysilk.com/us/elegant-sleeveless-mulberry-silk-dress.html?cs=catalogimagehref
Is it too shiny for an office? Would it look weird in the winter with a crew neck sweater / matching tights underneath? Could I wear it with a cardigan / sweater blazer / wrap at work? My office is cold but also the only place I dress up on the regular.
Anon
That is not an office dress. Nor is that particular style designed to be worn with a sweater, cardigan, or blazer over it. It would look very weird.
Anon
It’s a very pretty dress but not for work
Anon
I would totally wear this to work, but I have more of an anything-goes workplace than most (academia).
Anonymous
This would fly fine in my office, so it depends on your situation.
Senior Attorney
Sadly, I agree. It’s great but not for the office.
Senior Attorney
Agree with first two replies. I think it’s too shiny for work. And I’d wear almost anything to the office!
Anon
Agree that it’s too shiny for the office. Could wear a top in this fabric with conservative pants or skirt, but not a dress.
pugsnbourbon
It’s very pretty – I can see a TV lawyer wearing it with a blazer. Depending on your workplace, that might fly.
Anonymous
I agree that this is not a work garment. But to address the quality issue – I ordered two silk blouses and found the quality to be quite good. I had to return them due to the size being just a bit too large, but I hesitated because they were lovely and had a very good weight to them.
Runcible Spoon
OK, can I just say that the model is not really selling these dresses in black and neutral? They strike me more as cocktail dresses, in any event.
Anon
This article on touchscreens in cars is what I’ve been hollering about for years. I last bought a new car in 2020 and felt like a grandma trying to find a car with buttons and knobs on the dash like I grew up with (I’m 40!). I view all screens and tech as a necessary evil, and you can pry my 2020 model car with a 7″ screen and knobs for everything besides nav out of my cold, dead hands.
https://slate.com/business/2023/04/cars-buttons-touch-screens-vw-porsche-nissan-hyundai.html
Anon
“Seeking to address these risks, NHTSA published voluntary guidance in 2013 recommending that a driver be able to complete any infotainment task with glances of under two seconds, totaling a maximum of 12 seconds. But NHTSA’s guidance had no enforcement mechanism, and carmakers have violated it with impunity.”
A total to twelve seconds, with two seconds per task?? That’s madness. No wonder why driving has gotten worse.
I just bought a used car, and there’s a reason I went for a low mileage older vehicle. Guess who has knobs and dials and not a touch screen in sight? Me!
Cat
+1000. You know what takes zero seconds of your eyes off the road? Twisting a dial for heat, or pushing a preset button for radio. Having to glance at a screen to navigate submenus is awful.
Anon
My car is from the 90s, so no touch screen at all. I dread the day (like, really, really dread) when it finally dies. I hope it will be enough years from now that I won’t be driving at all and will just take the bus. I can NOT stand touch screens. They just don’t work for me –and what the hell are you supposed to do when the sensitivity dies? I mean, with knobs and buttons, you can at least *feel* where things are without taking your eyes off the road!
Anonymous
I had to replace my 90s car a few years ago and physical knobs and buttons were one of my requirements. It was hard to find (I ended up with a Subaru Forester). Mine still has a touch screen, but it has buttons for anything essential (air/heat, volume, radio)
Anon
My cars are so old they don’t even have screens, let alone touch screens.
anon
Saaaaaame.
Anonymous
I drive a 13 year old car (2010 Acura max) because the new ones all have touchscreens and keyless entry and I just won’t.
I am here for their return.