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Coffee Break: Swing Bag

dark "red" bag with hobo crescent shape and both a shoulder strap and detachable crossbody strap

This swing bag from ba&sh looks great — I like the color (described as “red” on the website, but to me it looks more wine-colored) — and the timeless shape.

The bag is available in 5 colors; this one and a zebra-striped one are on sale for 30% off. (They're originallly $420-$440.) Stock is low on the sale ones, alas.

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Sales of note for 12.5

188 Comments

  1. I’m looking for a robe type cover up but in a sweater knit material or even something like a cotton sweatshirt. Mid thigh length. Under $100. Just something to throw on in the morning when it’s chilly and I need to get up with my kid.

    2. Comment in mod, LL Bean 1912 Sweatshirt Sherpa Lined Cardigan. That’s what I wear in the AMs over PJs.

  2. An acquaintance informally helped me out with something in their field of work. For example, if a lawyer skimmed over a lease for a friend of a friend and made general suggestions without formally taking on representation. What is the etiquette here? Do I wait for a bill? Do I thank this person profusely and send a gift (and if so what is appropriate)? Do I just directly ask what I owe them? I am more than happy to pay for the hour they spent on this, but I don’t want to offend them if this was a favor.

    1. I’d drop them an email profusely thanking them for their time and asking them to bill me. 9 times out of 10 they will decline in which case I would then send flowers.

      1. I have a small firm and would not bill for an hour of work for a friend or aquaintence. If I didn’t want to do the work for free, I would probably refer them to someone else.

    2. My dad is a lawyer and, in this instance, he isn’t spending the time to open a file and send a bill. Instead, as a thank you, people in your situation have sent him bottles of wine, Harry & David pears-type gift, nice restaurant gift certificate, or donation to a charity he supports – any of these along with a two to three sentence thank you note.

      1. It’s not an attorney, I was just giving an example that was similar in nature. It’s a different profession altogether.

        1. As an attorney and counselor at law, I caution all lawyers who want to do probono work like this to sign an agreement with the aquantence specifying that they are not doing it on behalf of their law firm and that they did NOT accept any money (or gifts), and that the aquantenence s hould NOT rely on the attorney for future representation, either in connection with the lease or otherwise, since it was free, and that the aquantenance releases the lawyer from any and all liabilities, claims and incurrences that may ever arise out of the lease or enforecement thereof.

          I got this advice from the manageing partner, who once got in trouble for giving free advice. Since then, the firm counsels against it by making ALL firm cleints sign a retainer agreement waveing all liability for any work done for which a bill is not presented. If a bill is presented, the retainer agreement also governs, together with the waver and release contained therein.

      2. It was a “for example” so it was probably something unrelated and she didn’t want to give details.

      3. This is going to sound very bridezilla-y of me but I asked my then company’s event and contracts lawyer to do a quick once over of my wedding venue contract. She added in some clauses that pertained to the venue being sold and that the old contract pricing would be honored, ditto for food/wine costs going up YoY (we signed it 16 months prior to our wedding).
        It was SO worth it when our venue WAS sold (unexpectedly) and the new owners tried to jack up our food and beverage costs and remove an upgrade we’d negotiated – we pointed them to the contract and pointedly mentioned that we’d be happy to involve our lawyer again. I bought that woman a restaurant gift card and wrote a nice thank you note!

  3. I’ve gained and lost the same size and a half multiple times since turning 40 (chronic medical condition and COVID didn’t help). I’m thinking of just throwing in the towel and going all in on St. John. Stretchy, always work-appropriate, less mumsy than I remember from when I first started working. I am tired of having 3 sizes to always have ready in my closet. This way, items should be forgiving and always fit. [If this is a horrible idea, change my mind. But I am wearing a comical outfit today b/c no winter-fabric pants fit this morning.

    1. buy your St. John secondhand.

      It’s not a terrible idea. I used to work with a woman who was head to toe St. John every day. She repeated outfits a lot because she didn’t have a ton of it. But she probably spent less on clothes than I did because she bought once and wore for years and years.

    2. I bought my St. John at a consignment shop for about half price of what I would have paid new. I started wearing St. John in my 20s when I was at BigLaw and still wear it when I need a suit 15 years later.

    3. Sounds like a good solution to me! You won’t have to wonder which clothes you can wear on a given day, or have any feelings about something not fitting.

    5. I did a mix of St. John and Misook when I was fluctuating due to an injury. It worked well. I bought at OffFifth and RueLaLa for sales. I found second hand didn’t work because other people’s knit care was not something I could rely on.

      1. I forgot about Misook. Not OP but I’m another reader interested in this, am cusp-sized, and this reminded me that Misook is an alternative that comes (sometimes) in plus sizes.

  4. How do you start ‘dropping the ball’ in friendships and relationships, even if it feels very hard? I was the poster who was sad none of my friends got me gifts after I’d gotten each of them b-day gifts since I thought they expected me to. Everyone on this board told me there is no obligation to give birthday presents, which was a huge relief to me. My friends wound up giving me gifts (just on the day of the party instead of the actual birthday) but the whole saga made me realize I really, really don’t want to continue the give-and-receive cycle, since I never know what to give people and I don’t like what I receive. There is also now the expectation in my friend group that you cook an elaborate meal for the person and decorate an elaborate cake, which always takes at least a full Saturday and I find exhausting.

    This is one of my resolutions in terms of setting better boundaries and being less people-pleasing, but I’m finding it hard to not feel like a bad friend… What do you all do for birthdays of friends you see every day or partners? How do you go about dropping other balls?

    1. We always have discussions about various gift truces well before it come for the first time in a year and it’s never gone poorly.

      What about meeting up at a restaurant vs cooking — that’s walking the work back without walking the event back.

      1. “Gift truce.” LOVE IT.

        Yes, OP. Just have a conversation well in advance. I promise you aren’t the only one who will be relieved.

    2. If these are friends and friendships you really enjoy, then I would start with questioning the assumption about that expectation (about elaborate dinners and cakes). Maybe that’s how one person expresses their love for a friend because it’s their style, but it doesn’t have to be yours. You could be the friend who gives flowers or organizes s’mores! Share with them about what you’d be excited to do. This could be one-on-one if there’s something going on with the group dynamic.

      I’m in my 40s and for most of my friends, the best they get from me is a card. For a close friend who I see locally, we might get together for a drink and modest little present because that works for us.

    3. Who are these people? Everyone I know is too exhausted from living to give gifts to a big circle of friends and plan parties. Unless you’re in your mid-20s and people haven’t gotten married and had kids yet? I could see a group of girls being like that, I guess.

      If these ladies are really your friends, you can simply say, “Gals, cooking dinner isn’t my jam. I’d like to take you all out to brunch / pedis / sportsball instead.” And the next time you’re asked/expected to give a gift to someone, give an experience ($50 spa GC?). Easy peasy, minimal thought required.

      I’m 40, and birthdays aren’t a thing in my friend group. If one of us remembers, we send a text. My own MIL sends me a text! My husband gets me a card and makes me eggs and bacon for breakfast. I call my mom. The end.

    4. I mean, I was with you when you were hurt that you’d gotten them gifts but they didn’t reciprocate. But now it sounds like you did get gifts from them at a party – did they throw you a party too? I don’t think you have grounds for self pity here.

      As someone who has been there – as you get older birthdays will become less of a big deal. Maybe milestone birthdays, and there’s always that one friend who makes way too big of a deal over her birthday. But if you really want to stop the gift cycle, you have to use your words. Text the group when you’re well spaced from anyone’s birthday and let them know how you feel. But don’t say you didn’t like any of your gifts like you did here.

      Personally, I’d consider the current situation the price of admission to what sounds like a pretty good friend group. I don’t exactly know why you’re grumping about having to make someone else feel special on her birthday when they’ve done the same for you.

    5. Friends I see every day? I don’t have any of those. Are these roommates or coworkers or are you just very very close? My advice is different for each of those situations.

      For a romantic partner, even if you go all out, that’s only once a year. I’ll put much more effort toward my husband’s bday than a friend’s.

    6. Can you do something simpler, less draining? “I’m really swamped this year, but I still want to celebrate you. Can I take you out to dinner next Saturday?”
      I don’t know that I would frame it as “dropping the ball”, if you do still want to celebrate your friends and nurture those friendships. “Dropping the ball” to me implies ceasing to care. If you still want to have this friend group, re-frame it as just a shift in how you celebrate and gather. Any good friend will understand that friendships have to shift as people grow and change or they won’t survive.
      Priya Parker’s book The Art of Gathering might be helpful for you.

    7. For my friends, meeting up for a drink or dinner is the most I’m doing for a non-milestone birthday. A milestone birthday I’ll help plan the party. I don’t buy presents for friend’s birthdays and they don’t buy me presents for mine. I think birthdays are a much bigger deal for younger generations. I remember my now ex-step daughter being flabbergasted that I didn’t take off work on my birthday. If you don’t like decorating elaborate cakes and making elaborate dinners, don’t do it.

    8. It’s hard for me to even understand this as “dropping the ball.” You’re not obligated to do anything. I think you should settle on however you would best like to recognize your friends’ birthdays and then clearly communicate to others that that’s how you plan to proceed from there on out. “Happy Birthday, X! Can I take you out for a drink sometime to celebrate?”

    9. Are you your 20s? My son and his friend group all do gifts to each other and that was never a thing with me and my friends.

  5. A new, remote hire on my team just informed me that she will have to leave every day at 2:50 to pick up her kids from school. So she will always have to leave a meeting at 2:50 and can never have 3pm meetings. We work in a professional setting. Initially, I was flabbergasted that she thinks this is okay, but am I just out of touch?

    1. This is common enough at my company. People update their availability in Outlook/Slack/wherever and it’s like they have a standing meeting for another project/team.

      1. I’ve come across this with a few employees. I don’t love it, but Iset the expectation at the beginning that I try to allow maximum flexibility as long as it does not impact the work, and I will NOT lower expectations – it’s up to them if they can hustle and get their work done in 35 hours, or if they need to add an hour of evening work to make up for it. So for example if there’s an important meeting happening during that hour, I expect them to find alternative arrangements for the day. Also I watch their work performance very closely to make sure that they’re still hitting their goals. Guidance from my HR is that we can’t tell exempt employees where and when to work, but we can address it within the context of any performance related issues should they arise.

    2. IDK — is she part-time? If it is FT, IDK how this is going to work long-term (and what about summers, school breaks, etc.?). I’d talk to HR before talking to her in case there is a prior understanding about this.

      FWIW, I am in this boat next August (kid will be at a school that gets out at 2:15 WITH NO BUS). IDK that we can organize a carpool or this is just a problem and I have to drive 5 days/week (school is near my work and across the city from spouse’s work). BUT I am the top of my food chain so I can work around this (but very grudingly — considering switching schools and hiring an afternoon driving nanny / high school kid at that school / something). Earlier in my life, this would be a problem for someone purporting to be FT (but not for an explicit mom-hours job).

      1. I mean. You have to hire childcare. You have a full time job. You can’t just stop part way through. Like it’s stunning to me you’d think waltzing out midday daily is acceptable.

        3. It’s stunning to me that you think taking an hour to pick up a kid is “waltzing out” if you are otherwise hitting all your deliverables and excelling.

    3. How much is she OOO for? For me, this would be an hour to drive / drive back but then I’m only really back on for high-priority items and not for mundane meetings (so really OOO the rest of the day unless truly needed).

    4. Even 20 years ago, I worked with people (including men) who would block out time to go pick up kids from school or get them from the bus stop. I thought of it as a bonus, tbh. I don’t think it’s a big deal to be busy at 3PM as long as she’s still working the necessary hours. There are presumably many other hours in your days where you could schedule meetings.

      1. That’s really only true if the rest of the team are same time-zone worker bees without lives, appointments, etc. Which is unlikely.

        1. Funnily enough, my team was spread out over three time zones and we still operated just fine.

          1. Ha! We have 1 person an hour behind us and it is a battle for afternoon common time (that person is a guy (grown kids? no kids? he has never mentioned any), so he does not get EST people (all women, but could one day be a guy) with kids at all).

    6. Is she available afterwards? Blocking off an hour mid-day is not unheard of at my company. But definitely you don’t just tell people you’re done for the day at 2:50 unless you’re officially part-time.

    7. I have a new remote colleague who told me he couldn’t come to a training we scheduled weeks out for this reason. I was shocked. I have another colleague who is not new that has this blocked on her calendar for the same reason. More power to them I guess; it’s things like this that make me feel less bad when I go downstairs to switch out laundry “on the clock.”

    8. is she back at work afterwards? My director is like this but he logs on after – we just make sure we do our meetings in the AM or before pick up and he always responds to things later in the evening (that I then get back to the next AM)

    9. How meeting heavy is your company? Does she log on after 3 pm? Can she have her kids wait 15 minutes to be picked up if a meeting runs from 2 pm to 3 pm?

      1. My kids go to a school where they routinely threaten to call social services if your kid is still on campus more than30 minutes after school lets out (unless they are in a play or prepping for a concert, etc.) and also routinely threaten to kick kids out for this. There is no grace from schools. My kid will be driving as soon as she turns 16 or my head will explode.

        1. this!! if your kid isn’t enrolled in the aftercare program there are VERY limited circumstances where you can pick them up late. it is one of the hard and fast rules of parenting.

          plus – im guessing it’s a 30-45 minute pickup at most. if she’s logging back on i don’t think that’s a big deal at all.

          1. Plenty of school systems let kids stay there (usually the cafeteria) if their parents need an extra 15-30 minutes to pick them up.

            Is enrolling the kids in aftercare an option, even if she doesn’t use it a lot?

    10. I’ve known plenty of people who worked 7-3. In the context of remote work, I don’t know why lots of people couldn’t take 30-40 minutes off and then come back. The question is whether that works with the demands of your particular job.

    11. This is true for a large fraction of my peers (front line managers). Post COVID childcare is just impossible. We work around it, and they get back on after the kids are home. No one is slacking.

      1. I leave at 4 every day (hard stop, by prior agreement) and then at 7 until whenever, as needed, I may be online doing work (but not available for meetings generally). If I were on your team with this woman, then the day gets shorter and shorter. There is a lot of pushing to be on calls at 4, 5, or 6, but I just can’t do that (or with a lot of prior notice, but our main sitter just had a baby and for love or money, we cannot find an on the books replacement for 10 hours a week at $25/hour or even a higher price from someone with a clean driving record).

        1. + a million to this. I needed someone for the mornings – mostly I could do mornings and my husband did pick ups, but I traveled a lot. We finally found a family friend who was willing to do it, and I thank the stars for her daily. (yes, we paid her, and paid her well, but what an inconvenient schedule for her!)

        2. Yeah, sounds like you have a version of the same crunch. My group’s case is probably helped by (1) the fact that most team members have this struggle around the same time of day and (2) the number of compatriots on earlier (not later) time zones. I get pressure for 6 am calls, not 6 pm. I’m not saying it’s easy, but we just know that Jean-Paul is out 3-4 and Vignesh is out 3:30-4 most days of the week and can only dial in 4-4:30 and make do. This probably isn’t all right everywhere or even on every team in my org, but I thought it would be worth it for OP to have the anecdata.

      2. So true. There are literally not enough childcare workers for the kids who need care.

        My workplace has an in-person culture, but several people need to do school pickup and log back in from home. They are great employees who are clearly working after pickup.

      3. +1. This would not have flown when I was having my kids around 2006-2010 (I had a nanny so I would be available every day until 530) but is definitely fine now for people to take a 20-30 minute break and then log back in. The kid I am picking up now is in HS so can also wait if I’m not there right on time. If her kid is in elementary then it’s a little more concerning but as above, post covid childcare s u c k s!

    12. How much is she out of the office? I had to do this in oldest kid’s kinder year but only two days a week and only for 30 minutes each time – DH did two days and I The only childcare spot we could get did not include transport from my kid’s school and the in-school program was full. I had a block in my calendar on Mondays and Tuesday from 2:45-3:15. I took a shorter lunch so I was not out of the office more than a usual day. A couple times I did listen in on a call while doing the pick up and drop off but it was rare.

      FFIW – in Canada at least, if it is needed based on ‘family status’ (eg having kids) and a reasonable accommodation (eg short period out of office, other options not easily available), the accommodation might be required on human rights grounds as family status is a protected class

    14. First – does she report to you? If not, this is a not your monkeys not your circus situation – if you need her for meetings just schedule around her like you would schedule around someone else with a standing 2:30 meeting.
      If she IS your direct report, I’d check to see if this is a short term situation, or something she will always do? Will she make herself available in emergencies/big boss type meetings or is she truly the only one who does pick up? I (and coworkers) often block our calendars for school drop off/pick up but it’s usually one or the other (not both) and a 30 minute block. I also have a sitter that covers for me if I need to use that time for a meeting.

    15. I’m curious how high people who do this actually advance. I know that’s not everyone’s goal, but this kind of behavior would never get a person on any advancement lists in my workplace, at least beyond a certain point. Whether it’s true or not, upper management would view this as not taking your job seriously.

      1. Two of the most senior people in my company, one man and one woman, do something like this. They log off right after the kids come back from school but then log back on a little later.

      2. It think it’s cultural. Upper management where I work does this. We’re a very large, successful corporation. I would be shocked if anyone was micromanaging their schedules.

        1. I don’t think it’s about micromanaging schedules, but at my org, 2:30 and 3pm are very common meeting times with various stakeholders. To routinely not be able to attend would definitely annoy leadership.

          1. Luckily they’re the leadership. Sorry you have to deal with that kind of workplace!

          2. Luckily they’re the leadership. Sorry you have to deal with that kind of workplace!

          3. But I think the idea that there’s a set 8 or 9 hour workday went out with the invention of the internet. It’s a rare white collar employee who doesn’t work on evenings and weekends (or at least check email) and if employees are giving some of their “non working hours” to their employer, I understand feeling like the employer doesn’t own the entirety of the traditional workday. It was different when employees left the office at 5 or 6 pm, with no option to work again until the next morning, but you better believe that if I’m working at 8 pm after my kids are in bed, I feel no guilt about stepping away for 30 minutes in the middle of the day to do something kid related. And the pandemic and the shift to remote work blurred these lines even further. Your way of thinking seems really rigid to me and not in sync with where most employees and corporations are at in 2023. Today it feels like it’s about getting your work done, not where or when you work.

      3. So I’m a senior in-house lawyer (direct report to GC of a F500 company). I have someone pick up my kids but I block the mornings so I can take them to school. That means that with rare exceptions, I do not take meetings before 9:30 AM. How I handled this was by not announcing it to anyone…just blocking my calendar so the time showed as unavailable. But if the meeting is truly critical, i either call in from the car, have the nanny come early (we still have one kid at home), or ask my husband to take him.

        So you can advance quite high, but I think it’s best handled by just doing it (rather than making it a Big Thing that you announce to people) and being aware that you need backup for yourself because it won’t always be possible.

        1. This. SVP in legal at a F500. Our nanny is here 9-5, so I block everything before 930am and after 430pm. When kiddos are school age, I will block pick-up time or drop-off time, depending on which I do. I didn’t announce, and I’ll make myself available for truly critical off-hours meetings. I support multiple timezones.

      4. The COO of my company does this. So does our head of sales.

        Y’all work for some crazy rigid companies.

        1. Yes, there are a lot of senior people in my in-house law department who do this too. People block off their calendars and get their work done. It’s not a big deal. I log off early one day a week to ride my horse. I just block it off. However, my boss knows because we are friendly and her kids ride and she definitely supports it.

    16. A lot of people i know have this arrangement, especially with older kids who just need to be brought home but are old enough to look after themselves. It might mean she is away for 30 minutes but as long as she gets her work done I don’t see why it’s a big problem unless there is some meeting that must take place at 3pm every day, which I’ve never heard of at any workplace except maybe a school. Are you her boss or a teammate? Would you feel differently about it if she was unavailable at that time each day for some kind of daily ongoing medical condition

      1. We have a client in another time zone and if you want to do their work, you have to be on their calls, which are on their time (and at an annoying time for them, something like 8am local time). For us, you don’t have to be in the office for the call, but they like cameras to be on and if you’re not on the call regularly, they want us to change the staffing.

        If I had an ongoing medical condition, I’d try to schedule it at the beginning or end of the day or at lunch (or rotate between them). I paid extra at the orthodontist so I can take my kids in the 8-9 hour. I am unavailable sometimes for other reasons, but the known recurring things I don’t want to otherwise negatively impact the team and they do likewise. We have a commonly available window that tries to be 5-6 hours in the middle of the day, which has really worked for us for working together.

        1. Emphasis on “try.” Orthodontists care at least a little about the paying parents’ schedules. My experience with medical conditions has been that they know it’s not optional and that you’ll have to show up on their time, though maybe this is regional.

    17. At one job my mom had an arrangement when hired at what was typically a 9-5 kind of job, where she worked from 8-2:55 4 days a week and 8-5:30/6 one day. She was generally there before everyone else and left earlier and her colleagues didn’t seem to have any sort of resentment about it. It was arranged with her boss.

    18. My boss comes in early (7am) and leaves at 3 everyday to pick up his kids.

      Fortune 100 company where we’re butts in seats 4x a week and still wearing blazers every day.

      1. Is he then done for the day? Available for emergencies? Available generally? I find that when I have my kids, I can’t easily take meetings and I can do work, but it is constantly picking it up and putting it down. And dinner doesn’t make itself? I take it he must be done for the day but available for a crisis, b/c otherwise I want to know his secrets.

        1. My friends are a married couple. They both work remote and have the kids home in the afternoon. They put on the TV, put out heavy snacks, and ignore their children for a couple of hours, lol.

          1. I’m just wondering re the ages of their kids. I am finding that the ADHD one has to be kept on task (whatever the task is) and also needs substantial math help, so even though every day it is dinner-dessert-shower-meds, you’d think I was starting from scratch each day with just those items (never mind the algebra).

        2. Anon 3:29 here. No he’s generally not available. He works 7-3 so has worked a full day by 3pm.

          Since the rest of our team works 9-5, we actually have longer coverage (7-5) than many other teams, which are generally 9-5. If there was something truly urgent, I would try to handle because I’m child free and am hypothetically more available in off hours, but most weeknights I’m at happy hour or dinner or the gym so I’m not that available either.

          He is on the train from 3-4 so he can respond to emails then if truly needed but generally he’s not.

          He has 4 kids under age 10 so he’s never available after 4 as it’s a mad rush of picking up kids, taking them to activities, cooking dinner, supervising homework, bedtime, etc.

          His wife is a doctor but I don’t know what type and what her hours are.

    19. As someone who did the pickup for my kid for many years, I think this should have come up from your employee’s side during the offer negotiation stage. In three different jobs, I negotiated, pre-hire, that I would start work at 7 so I could be done at 4, so I could pick my kid up at 4:30 and he wouldn’t have to be in after-care until 5:30. I would sometimes be able to cut out and pick my son up right after school, but most days, he went to after-care and I picked him up from there.

      Maybe I am also out of touch, but unless there was conversation during the interview/offer stage about her starting work at 7 a.m. so she can be done by 2:50, this is a weird thing to just drop on you at this point. I did exactly what I mention above – I needed accommodation for my son’s schedule, so I worked everything out all pre-hire. I think a conversation is in order – is she going to time-shift her workday so she makes up her lack of availability in the afternoons? Is that a viable option for someone in her role; i.e., are there people in different time zones, and so she needs to have availability to meet at 3 p.m. or later, more than once a week?

      I am 100% in favor of workplace flexibility and I, myself, am a beneficiary of it. Across multiple employers. But I never dropped a bomb of someone post-hire of “oh, sorry, I’m never going to be available after 3, tee-hee!” and I never just assumed that my family schedule would be accommodated by my employer, without discussing it first. And yes, this does irritate me because I work remote and I love it, and people doing stuff like this are going to ruin it for the rest of us.

    20. Are you her manager? If not I’d stay away from this.

      I’ve managed people that do this. I don’t worry about it because they are excellent employees to do what needs doing. Almost always more.

      On the VERY rare occasion I needed a meeting with them during this time slot, I would give advance notice and let them know they could join by phone (not video). If it was absolutely mission critical, I would expect they make alternate arrangements for the kids that day. My team travels a fair bit so I know they have options for kid pickup. I can count the number of times this has happened on..:two fingers ;).

    21. That seems pretty rigid to me, though I empathize on the childcare bit. My kids were daycare babies (which where the *best* hours), then aftercare kids, and ballet kids who needed to be at class across town. At one point, I was paying a sitter to take a rideshare with the kids to ballet class.

      Then again, I think this would actually fly in my office, but we rarely have meetings.

    22. There’s one manager in my office who starts at 8:15 because he takes his kids to school, but I think that’s a little different.

    23. Presumably she cleared this before she was hired. I wouldn’t clutch my pearls at it as long as she’s working a full day and getting her stuff done. Let it run a bit and see how it goes.

      In my experience it’s very hard to find a babysitter to just work after school hours, or just to do pickup. I hired one to do dropoffs in the morning, but it took my entire network to find her.

      1. Curious as to why you declare this unacceptable when many other posters find this fairly normal and quite acceptable. Why are you so rigid when this is workable in many other workplaces?

        1. It’s sad but my guess is jealousy with a strong dash of internalized misogyny. Anon at 4:14 is probably a woman who has older kids and is bitter that she didn’t have the same flexibility during her kids’ elementary years. And I get it, it sucks, but you should be grateful that things are better for the women behind you, rather than trying to make everyone else jump through the same hoops you did.

    25. I block my calendar from 3:15-4 for school pickup at 3:35. Gives me time to get to and from school and fix my kid a snack. I have a standing biweekly 3-3:30 meeting that predates my kid being in elementary school, and I take that from the car. I rarely do much substantive work in the 4-5 pm hour, but am available if needed. I wouldn’t decline a meeting request for 4 or 4:30 but my job isn’t meeting heavy and there’s a culture of no meetings after 4, so that rarely happens.

    26. My report does this and it’s no big deal. Honestly she’s usually back in a half hour or so. I wouldn’t even give it a second thought so long as the schedule was blocked. But I also work for a company with a lot of flex. I routinely come in a half hour late every three weeks on a Wednesday for my dog’s chemo appointment. If someone were to challenge me on that I’d be gone and they would lose an otherwise committed employee who routinely works until 10 at night or later during our busy season. Rigidity simply for appearance seems very old school—like is she off at 5 every night with no exception? That’s your tradeoff.

    27. This would generally be okay at my company and you can still advance because – it doesn’t last forever! I assume she comes back and works after and to me there are frequently times when you can’t meet at someone’s preferred time bc you have another meeting with someone just as important. If she’s good at what she does, I would go with it.

    29. Does she come back at 3:30 with childcare?

      FWIW, even when someone is working their hours, this can be disruptive, but if you can at least have a 4:00 meeting instead of a 3:00, I don’t think it’s a big ask.

    30. Why not allow the flexibility and see how it goes? Let’s support each other and work to break the cycle of forcing working women (and men) into impossible situations. In my area, if you live 4 MILES or closer to school there is NO bus service included with school! You can, however, pay over $200 A MONTH for your child to ride the bus. (And, yes, this is a public school.)

      1. Wow, that’s crazy! The cutoff in my area is 1 mile and I’m still annoyed by it because we live 0.9 miles away and it would be more convenient to have my kid take the bus (which she would love to do!) But no bus service if you live <4 miles away is nuts.

    31. I think it’s the rigidity you’re reacting to. I manage a large team and a lot of people do this. I generally don’t care at all what someone’s schedule is, but there are exceptions (super important meetings, trainings etc) and I do expect people to figure something else out to accommodate their jobs during the work day. Those situations aren’t common though, so say 90% of the time it’s fine but 10% the employee needs to pivot. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

    32. OP, I’m a little unclear about whether she is asking you for this or telling you. I don’t think this is an unreasonable ask in most jobs assuming it can be accommodated (think of it as her asking to take a late lunch at 255 instead of 1). The only issue I do see is if she didn’t actually clear it with anyone (or isn’t trying to) and just said this would be the case, which seems a bit presumptuous.

  6. What activities do you with couple friends other than meet up for food/drinks? Will often do a walk/hike with girlfriends, but it has been more challenging to be creative with couple friends. Trying to keep things interesting!

    2. Great question about more interesting friend gatherings. I don’t differentiate much between girlfriends and couple friends. I’d also suggest hiking to a couple. Are you thinking about things that are more double-date worthy like going bowling? Maybe your city has a 2nd Friday type event where it’s an art gallery crawl or some kind of event that may still have food and drink but has some additional entertainement.

    3. Go to concerts or theatre or museum events
      Game night if everyone is enthusiastic; stay away if not
      Attend sporting events or go to a bar to watch one
      Go to Top Golf or an arcade bar or casino or something similar
      Attend festivals
      Go fruit picking and find a lunch spot in a small town
      Take a day trip to a cute town and poke around shops and restaurants or local historic attractions

    4. Hikes, Museum/exhibition visit, Local farmers market/festival meetup, Clay shooting/axe throwing, Tennis or paddle, Golf, Pool or beach trip (or lake if that’s more common for your area), Flower arranging/gardening classes, cheese school (a local cheesemonger has a super popular cheese education night class), book readings, lectures – if you have any local colleges they usually have a TON of lectures/readings/screenings that are open to the public.

    5. Golf or tennis? I don’t golf but my parents will often golf with another couple.

      I do play tennis recreationally and it’s a pretty common double date in my circles.

      Less active ideas: concerts, check out a street festival or fair, bowling, game night, the movies or a play, sporting event, axe throwing

    6. Game nights were so critical to building a friend group when we first moved to this city. Games can range from more rule-intensive (like Resistance, Wingspan, Seven Wonders) to easier (like Coup, Werewolf, Bears vs Babies), to super casual and fun (Celebrity!). The never-fail game is always Code Names.

  7. I’m looking for a new sofa. Ideally a sectional – it will be primarily for my giant dogs. The most important thing is a removable, washable cover. I thought Ikea would be the answer, but there’s only two sectionals with washable covers. Does anyone have something like this that they love?

    1. I got the Sabai corner sectional you may have seen advertised online. The cushion covers are all removable and washable (but I haven’t actually tossed them in the wash yet since they also spot clean very easily, and I don’t have dogs).

      It’s not the sofa I would have chosen if I hadn’t wanted performance fabric, washability, durability, etc. (it’s not cotton stuffed with down!), but I am happy with its advertised features and price point. I also checked Ikea first and was surprised they didn’t have what I needed.

    2. I have had 2 slipcovered PB sofas and 2 slipcovered chairs from Wayfair and just want to chime in that slipcovers are probably not the answer. None of ours were (apparently) really designed to be washed regularly. They never fit right afterwards, no matter how gently one washed and dried them. Is leather an option if you keep their nails trimmed?

    3. I have the Macys Roxane couch. It is the opposite of a slipcover couch because nothing is removable. But the fabric responds very well to cleaning and vacuuming. It has withstood my kids eating and roughhousing for years. I also had a cat for several years.

    4. Living Spaces Utopia sectional (cheap dupe of the RH cloud, essentially). Just don’t do the ottoman as that cushion is not removable. I wash the covers on cold in the washing machine and hang dry.

      I’m happy with it for the price, but if you’re super fancy it might not be for you!

  8. Would you say anything in this situation and if so, what? We have a junior associate who is very nice but seems quite sheltered and a bit immature. He makes comments/questions that would be fine if they were one offs, but put together they’re odd and borderline s!xist (not sure if that word gets stuck in mod). Like, he’ll ask me if I just got a haircut (I didn’t), or if I’m going to court today (when I ask why because I’m not wearing a suit, he’ll say oh just because you look nice I thought you must have a hearing or something – tbf if I see someone wearing a suit I’ll ask if they have a hearing but I think it’s an odd question when I’m not in a suit), or if I’m ok (me: yes why? Him: oh you just looked tired/sad/etc.). I’ve responded with, “why/why would you say that” or just a flat yes or no, but he doesn’t seem to be getting the hint that comments/questions about my appearance aren’t welcome. I don’t know if he asks the other (all male) partners this sort of thing, but other partners have mentioned the immaturity. Suggestions?

    1. I wouldn’t say anything. I don’t think the first two examples are weird at all, and the third seems like he was probably trying to be caring. I don’t think you have a case to stand on here, and I would not be surprised if what other partners are calling ‘immaturity’ is related to an entirely different set of behaviors than what you’re describing.

      He’s young – he’ll learn. I’ve had so much worse said to me in offices, so a sweet guy thinking I got a haircut would not in any world warrant a confrontation in my opinion.

      1. So the thing about “are you ok” is he asks in a super concerned tone when he pops by my office and I’m just working. And he does it a lot. In nearly 15 years of practice he is the only person to ever make any comment that my normal working face is off somehow or that I look upset. It has real “you look prettier when you smile” vibes. Not in a malicious way just like, maybe it has never occurred to him that women can be serious professionals too and we don’t have to look cheerful all the time?

        1. Yeah I think that’s the only comment that would strike me as off. I’d say at the most just say, “Yes, I’m sensing you think I look upset when I’m actually just focusing. No need to check in in the future.” It definitely doesn’t need to be a big conversation and assuming positive intent would go a long way here.

        2. I don’t have a solution, but I just want to say I’m totally with you on the weirdness. I would be very annoyed.

    2. I…don’t think it’s s*xist to ask someone if they got a haircut, although perhaps a bit overly personal if you’re a junior associate and the person is a partner? Asking if you’re okay/telling you you like nice is a bit socially awkward, but I would chalk that up more to immaturity (if you’ve found him otherwise immature) than to s*xism. In my years as a biglaw partner, I encountered many a junior associate (male and female) that was overly familiar and didn’t get that the partner/junior associate relationship is a manager/employee relationship, not one of peers or friends.

      I would tell whomever mentors him that they need to talk with him about social boundaries using these specific examples, and leave it at that. I’m not sure I’d do it myself; this is the sort of thing that is hard for people to understand and someone who already has a mentoring relationship would probably be better positioned to deliver that kind of feedback.

    3. So I trust your judgment that there is underlying ‘ick’ factor here that doesn’t really come across in text. I can think of one lawyer I worked with who often complimented specific wardrobe pieces and it was genuinely about him just being a ‘fashion’ guy who had worked in clothing sales for like a decade before law school. And another who made comments that were never over the line but I felt icky about because of the frequency and just an undefinable factor. I found using neutral responses/not engaging helped. So instead of a ‘why do you ask?” I would just go with ‘Nope, same haircut. I heard we’re getting snow on the weekend’ or just walk away. Not unfriendly but not engaging on appearance comments. So not ‘why would you say that’ but ‘i’m fine thanks’. Grey rock him on appearance comments and I bet he gets the message.

    4. Any chance the person is on the spectrum? Some day this may be my kid. Good at school, bad at people, and has such anxiety that social skills get worse with anyone but family and the like.

    5. This makes me kind of sad and explains a lot. I recently cut my hair into a pixie and it was long before and no one at work has said a thing. Probably because everyone is too afraid to be a human being and to be accused of being sexist. He just hasn’t wisened up yet that formerly normal interactions aren’t okay anymore.

      1. Oh please. No one is saying one shouldn’t compliment an obvious haircut. It’s weird and most definitely not a normal interaction to repeatedly make comments to your boss about her physical appearance.

  9. Highest-impact life changes you’ve made this past year?

    Mine were: joining Equinox (the $300 membership fee guarantees I work out every day) and getting a new therapist. Both have done wonders for mental health.

    1. Definitely down shifting from a high stress job. That meant a down shift in salary too but 100% worth if for my mental health. I still have some residual trauma from previous the job but that’s becoming less and less. T

    2. Getting my Peloton bike. I’ve lost 40 pounds and am the most active I’ve ever been in my life.

    3. With both exercise and meditation, I switched to shorter targets that I can do daily (or almost every day), rather than longer targets that happen less often and are more likely to get cut due to time constraints. Basically, prioritizing consistency over length of time.

      The total amount of time per week that I exercise/meditate has increased since I made this change, even though the sessions are shorter.

      1. Well done! I’m more convinced all the time that small steps are key to getting anything accomplished.

  10. Not sure why I pay for Prime… ordered something today and the estimated arrival date is 1/23.

    I live in a major city, FWIW. Last week I placed a Target order and had 2 day delivery so it’s definitely an Amazon specific problem.

    1. Not every item is available for immediate delivery. Lots of items are. If the things you want regularly are not, perhaps drop Prime. As a counterpoint, my printer cartridge died late night when I was preparing something I needed to print the next day and Amazon brought me a replacement before 8 a.m. And when my car battery died in the office garage I got a charger brought to my office midday and drove the car home that evening. Almost everything else I order arrives within 2 days unless I agree to a longer delivery window; the occasional outliers show up when they say they will.

      1. OP here: it’s been like this for a while for me, this just happened to be the most egregious example.

        I live in a city, don’t have a car, and get packages stolen so pretty much if I can’t walk to run an errand (and walk home with my purchase), I order on Prime and send it to one of those drop boxes.

        For the past 3ish months the normal ship time (on prime eligible items!!) is like 5-6 days with some in the 2+ week window. It’s been for a wide variety of items.

        I pay for a year of prime, so wont drop it now but will not renew next summer.

    2. It’s not new either. I live in a small Midwest city, but I gave up Amazon when we moved here in 2014. “Two day” Prime shipping never took less than a week, and often took two weeks. Target always delivers in two business days. And they have a credit card that gives you 5% off everything and free shipping with no minimum. I switched to Target and never looked back.

      1. I’ve been noticing how fast my occasional Sephora boxes get here vs. Amazon lately.

        I ordered something recently where they wanted me to pay an extra $2.99 to get it within the prime timeframe. Then what am I paying the annual fee for?

        I do like their Fresh grocery delivery service though. Especially since I WFH and am not out and about driving past the grocery store for a quick stop most days. I also find Fresh quite a bit cheaper. I know this is not available everywhere.

    3. Did you check where it is shipping from? I’ve selected items, noticed the long delivery time, and realized they were shipping from China.

      1. OP here: This was for an Amazon basics item, which I’d assume would be in stock in a domestic warehouse?

    5. Yes–I don’t pay for Prime or use Amazon often, but once in a while I accept their offer of a free week or month. I did order a few things over the past couple of months, and none arrived within 2 days. It seems like 2-day shipping just is not really happening anymore.

    6. Yep, me too. Nothing of ours comes in two day shipping anymore. It used to, but doesn’t now. We live in a rural area so I would understand this – except that they used to get it to us, and they also recently built a distribution center closer to us, so it makes no sense to me.

      At this point we pay for Prime for the streaming service and Kindle First Reads free books.

    7. They are basically only doing two day shipping from local warehouses. I can send stuff to my mom that gets there overnight that would take three weeks to get to me, and vice versa. It’s pretty obvious that they don’t move stuff around the country any more… they just ship it from wherever is local and otherwise you’re SOL.

    8. I do almost all of my Amazon shopping on monthly subscribe and save or the slow shipping that gives you digital credits. It’s more environmentally and worker friendly, comes when they say it will or faster, and saves me money (more than I pay for my prime membership). Since I have most things I need on subscription, it’s pretty rare that I actually need things in two days. I don’t drive and live in an area where it’s not very easy to walk to stores, so being able to shop online is incredibly helpful.

      1. “more environmentally and worker friendly” from Amazon is… still the opposite of environmentally- and worker-friendly.

    9. I haven’t had problems other than before Christmas. I attributed that to our horrible weather. Perhaps the major layoffs they have going or weather is hurting?

  11. Unrelated to my comments this morning, where do single late 30s meet people especially if they have few friends and would like to not be single? The part of my brain who is desperate to have to deal with baby vomit and late night diapers and having to figure out the school run and how they’re teaching math and all the other clutter of kids is currently screaming into the void. (I know it’s not all sunshine.)

    1. Get on the apps! Match, Hinge, OkCupid, all of them. If you’re in your late thirties, you want to treat it like a job. Go on as many dates a week as you can, look for guys who are kind and want a family as much as you do. You could be engaged within a year, but you need to really treat it like work and not expect it to magically come to you.

      Also – you don’t need a husband to have a baby. Look into artificial insemination or adoption options available.

      1. +1 to your last point. One of the coolest moms I know had twin boys on her own at age 40. She’s an adventurous person and those little dudes are so stinking cute.

        Also, tell people you are looking. I can think of at least two divorced dads I know who are I would set someone up with if I knew they were looking but I would 100% never suggest that to someone unless you told me you are open to it because I don’t want to be the ‘smug married’ person who assumes single people are looking/want to be set up.

      2. +2 two of my best friends did this. One of them is still single. The other met and married a guy who then adopted her kids. Both of them swear it was the best decision they ever made.

        Since both of my sisters went through ugly custody stuff when they got divorced, and it made me think my friends were way, way better off having 100% “ownership” of their kids, as it were.

    2. When I moved to a new city in my late 40’s and wanted to meet someone after healing from a divorce I used Bumble. I met some interesting people and went to some interesting places (big metro area) and ultimately met my partner. We’ve been together 3 years. Don’t give up hope!

    3. The current answer as to where they do meet is on the apps.
      In my opinion, they would all do better to get themselves to bars and restaurants and church singles groups and kickball leagues and get over their fear of talking to strangers. I met my current late-30s BF sitting at a bar and people cannot get over the fact that we actually first met in person but online we either would have been outside each other’s parameter settings or I would have not given him the time of day and we both would have missed out.

      1. Ok? Thanks for the moralizing on the best way to date? Lots of people like the apps because it’s less awkward to strike up a conversation. Using them also doesn’t preclude people from bars, kickball leagues, friend set ups, etc.

      2. Hard disagree. It’s a numbers game and time is a resource. Sure, don’t not go to something but your odds are way worse in all the situations you describe than by aggressively dating online.

    4. First off, if you know you want to have a child and you’re late-30s and currently single, I would call a fertility specialist tomorrow and see about freezing your eggs. Like, at 9 AM tomorrow.

      Second, I married my husband and had my first child at 39, and we met at work.

      1. This is a good suggestion and I would recommend freezing some embryos from donor sperm along with the eggs, just to have a backup plan.

        Or, OP, you could just talk to the fertility specialist about moving forward with being a single mother by choice.

    5. Are you out and about much? I think of the gym, place of worship, volunteer opportunities, community events, and restaurants as places to meet people.

    6. I’m in my early 40s and the highest volume way to meet people is the apps. That said, the last three people I dated were met at a friend’s fundraising event, a wedding (he was the photographer), and on Instagram (we had a couple mutual connections but neither of us can remember who followed who first).

    7. The apps are the easiest way to meet people and if you know what you’re looking for, even better because you can filter out people who don’t match that. For example, I don’t want kids and I have that in my profile (and look for it in guys profiles) so that’s known right from the start. I’ve used a few different ones and prefer Hinge.

      I don’t like the assumption that people use apps just because they don’t want to get out and talk to people. I’m out and about all the time and talk to plenty of people, but in my circles it’s difficult to find men of the right age who are also single and straight. But there’s lots of them on the apps, so that’s where I go.

      Also echoing what others have said, you don’t have to be coupled in order to become a mom! I have a friend who is single and has done both adoption and a donor baby. There’s no right or wrong way to do this stuff!

    8. I so resonate with your comment, especially wishing that you could be dealing with baby vomit and late night diapers. When I was in your shoes, I decided to go ahead and try to have a baby on my own, and would encourage you to consider it! Immediately it gave me a sense of agency in my life again, and shifted my mentality from feeling like I was stuck in waiting mode to feeling like my life was moving forward and that good things were coming. I did my first IVF retrieval at 38; it failed, which was heartbreaking. I made plans to try again in a few months. Two weeks after that failed IVF, I met a guy at a swing dance who I just liked talking to. We started hanging out and dating, and I noticed that everytime I saw him I was just so….happy! Because I knew I was going forward with my plans to have a baby on my own, I was able to be much much calmer about the early stages of our relationship than I otherwise would have been, and was able to just enjoy getting to know him. I gradually worked it into conversation that I was working on having a baby on my own, and after we’d been dating about 3 months, he initiated a conversation where he let me know that he really saw a future together and wanted to have kids with me. Fast forward, and we are very happily married, and have 2 wonderful kids. (Turns out I don’t respond well to fertility drugs, but am perfectly capable of getting pregnant. It Starts With the Egg is a great book, as are books by Aimee Rupp). He’s told me that he was so impressed with me for taking ownership of my life, and that the fact I was moving forwad with the kids thing let him start to think about things in a non-threatening way. (He’s 5 years younger than me, wasn’t sure if he wanted to have kids when we met, then realized that if I was having kids he wanted to do that with me, and that the idea seemed really fun when he thought about doing it with me. He’s an amazing, very involved dad now). As far as good ways to meet people – in addition to the above comments – try swing dancing, biking groups (lots of 30-something guys), and hiking groups. I will be sending you good thoughts that you meet your babies soon!!!

  12. I’m on a no-buy for January to course correct after the black Friday and holiday spending. Is anyone else doing this? Any tips? Commiseration?

    1. Yes, but I’m hoping it will be closer to a no buy year! I’m allowing some spending on things that make life easier (like takeout once or twice a week, or buying lunch when I didn’t have time to cook), but not buying “stuff”. I have so much “stuff” — I actually like all of it and am giving myself time to use it.

      My tips would be lean hard into using the stuff you recently bought — clothes, appliances, books, craft stuff for me. And keep busy with other things so you don’t even have time to think about shopping.

    2. If you’re really going to struggle with this, then get someone to hide your cards and go through all of the sites you buy online from and unsubscribe from emails and make sure your payment information isn’t saved. Find other activities to do with anyone you spend time with by going shopping. Make it as difficult as you possibly can to spend money.
      I’m not going totally no-buy, just readjusting what I buy so I can meet the financial goals I have set for myself. These goals are really exciting, so all I have to do is remember that money spent on item X means less money going toward goals.

    3. After several cross country moves, I’m on a semipermanent no buy, unless I really, really need it. Basically, I replace things and buy food and other consumables, but my standards for other purchases are very high. There’s nothing like getting rid of tons of stuff and having to pack and unpack multiple times to motivate you to not buy any more unnecessary crap.

    4. I’m trying to be more careful. Removing the Target app would probably help me, but I haven’t made that move yet. I did get a library card in my new city last weekend as I’m a big book buyer and trying to cut back there. If you are too, know that you can download Libby on an iPad and connect your library card to get thousands of eBook titles.

    5. I started at end of Nov. I have decide to only buy things I need, new or replacements. I assigned a good friend the duty to approve my purchases so I have to give her the justification and get her approval. So far, all I have gotten approval for is Bluetooth earmuffs because I walk a lot and only my ears get really cold.

    6. About to embark on something similar… In the past I’ve leaned on books and blogs about minimalism, no-buy experiments, etc for some additional motivation and reinforcement. Good luck!

    7. I think it helps to do a simultaneous decluttering, that can enforce the visual and visceral feeling of STUFF IS A BOTHER, as long as you’re not a person who will get organization impulses and want to buy lots of boxes…

      But yeah, use your stuff energy on getting rid of things, including bad buys. I know I never want to buy skincare ever again, if I declutter the ooh shiny! skincare drawer.

  13. dear retailers, it is the first week in January – can you please wait to put out your Easter merchandise

    2. Retailers put it out early because people buy it as soon as it hits the shelf, and when its not out, the retailers get a million questions via their customer service/social media asking where the merch is.

      2. Idk my Target had already taken away all the Halloween stuff on 10/29 and replaced with Christmas. Y’all are doing it too early.

    3. eh, I don’t mind. I always look forward to longer days and warmer weather once we’re past the solstice. I like seeing some pastels from time to time!

      For my entire life, I’ve been all about blue and green from now until the trees blossom. The colors of snow, rain and the sea.

    4. Obviously you don’t share my love of Cadbury Mini-Eggs. I wish we had them all year, like in the UK!

  14. Is the shape of this bag actually timeless? I had bags like this maybe a decade ago and liked them, but I think for many years they would have looked dated.

    Are there any bag shapes that are truly timeless?

      1. My first purse in junior high looked exactly like this save for the double strap. 1978.

    3. If ‘timeless’ means ‘has been around in some form or another since at least the 1970s’ then yes, this bag shape is timeless.

  15. In the Idaho murder case, why did the roommate who locked herself in the room not call the police? I’m catching up on it late but it seems like it took the police a while to be notified.

    1. Nobody knows. But having lived in houses with lots of roommates and random boyfriends and girlfriends who come and go in the middle of the night, the simplest answer is that she just didn’t know for sure that that anything was wrong. Add in being drunk, high, or half asleep on top of that and I don’t find it that hard to understand. Now that we know what happened, it seems obvious that she should have done something, but I could definitely see how it would be one of those things where you were just rolling your eyes at your annoying roommate and her creepy friend who are always waking you up, only to realize later what actually happened.

        1. Also possible! If I’m terrified, it seems unlikely I’m falling asleep and only calling the police 8 hours later, but I think it’s impossible to really judge people in terrible situations. We all like to think we’d behave rationally, but it’s not like most people expect their roommates to be brutally murdered so they don’t behave like perfect witnesses and are traumatized when they recognize what’s happened. I have nothing but sympathy for the survivors.

  16. I have yet to find a petite size 12 or 14 suit at any higher end store. I look for one in earnest on Nordstom site all the time. It is pretty easy to get sleevs and trousers tailored but that is not the case for dresses since I am so short-waisted.

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