Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: V-Back Blouse

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1. Fellow Houston ladies – anyone else think it’s absurd to decide to challenge election results 2+ months after you’ve conceded. Why can’t this county just have normal elections anymore

   1. We can’t have nice things.

   2. I get it, but I think it’s a tough situation. The election was so screwed up. Remember how a bunch of machines didn’t work in the morning and then in the afternoon they ran out of paper? Imagine losing by 1000 votes and having all of that happen on election day. This is not election denial like in other cases. This is flat out – y’all misadministered this.

      1. (Mealer didn’t lose by 1000 votes but one of the judges who started this whole thing did.)

   3. Also super interesting Mealer is doing this when Hidalgo is going to Colombia to be with her ailing grandfather. Ugh.

2. I received a large gift card to Lulu’s. ($300) It looks like fast fashion at its worst/best. I am late 30s, don’t wear mini skirts or body con or super trendy stuff. I don’t really need shoes. My office is business casual.

   Any recommendations or suggestions for what to purchase?

   1. Sell the card to someone else at a 10% discount and enjoy the cash?

   2. I would sell the gift card at a discount and free up the $.

   3. I know you said you don’t need shoes, but I love the Dorthea bow knot slides from Lulus. They are a great Loeffler Randall dupe.

   4. Are you going to any weddings this year? I like their dresses.

      1. This.

         Or since proms are happening, donate some plus size dresses to a dress give-away place. There are always a ton of very tiny sizes but never enough larger ones.

   5. I’m 28 and I think everyone I know gets all of their dresses for weddings from Lulus. If you have any weddings or other cocktail attire events coming up, definitely look there for a dress.

   6. I really love their sweaters, I’m actually wearing one today that I have had for 5 years. I think they have decent basics and jeans as well.

   7. I’ve worn one of their dresses on NYE twice. It’s a cute short red sleeveless velvet dress with a slit on one side. I wouldn’t buy their shoes but some sweaters and dresses are cute. Or give away to a friend or family members. It’s great for college girls too.

3. Following up on yesterday’s St. John comment and a friend swearing they really are good for people who have flux b/w two sizes. For St. John pants, IIRC they have an elastic waist, but it’s encased in the fabric and doesn’t totally look like luxe sweats (and yet they are said to feel that way). They are usually not shown with tucked in shirts. If you have any bottoms, how do they fit (say you have a 30ish waist and 40ish hips)? TTS (but if stretchy and you flux, how do you factor that in)? Also, it looks like the fabric may make altering the length tricky. How does that work? For my first purchase, I think I just want one pair of black pants. In my city, I could go to Nordstrom or a St. John boutique. I don’t want to buy a whole suit, just pants that I’d likely wear jackets and tops and sweaters that I already have. All advice welcome!

   1. Gar the item tailored in house if you are shopping at those places. They will have tailors with experience with St. John.

      1. +1

         If you’re buying St John call ahead and ask for a personal shopper appointment to help you with the line

   2. St. John is so cheap (relatively) at TRR and probably other resale sites. Once you figure out your size, I’d buy secondhand.

4. Favorite recs for similar travel tote bags to the Longchamp Le Pliage but at a lower price point? Needs a full zipper and to fit under airplane seat. No laptop needed.

   1. Lesportsac. I used to buy them all the time at discount stores (I miss you Filene’s Basement), so I admit I’m not as familiar with current offerings or quality. But the bags I have hold up well for many years, weigh little, wash well, and carry a lot of stuff. There are many different bag shapes, styles, and colors/patterns.

      1. I’ve seen Lesportsac at TJMaxx.

   2. I also like lesportsac. Really durable and light. I have a friend who also likes Kiplinger. Baggalini might also have something that works.

   3. The Foldie fits this need and apparently is “standard” under airplane seat size.

   4. Baggalini…nylon tote bags in many sizes, colors and all designed for air travel

5. Very soon, I will be starting a new job as a General Counsel, and I will be permanently WFH about 75-80% of my time, with travel the rest of the time. During the pandemic, my current employer allowed us to stay home for about 5 weeks in April and May of 2020, so I never fully set up a home office.

   What are your best tips for working from home, whether it’s productivity or setting your schedule or just favorite products?

   FWIW, my new employer is sending me a work computer. I have a desk set up in my sunroom, away from the rest of the house. DH is a SAHD, so childcare is covered.

   1. You basically need a home office that replicates your former office. For me, that a laptop stand and giant curved second monitor on a very large desk and comfortable chair. I have a full home office, so I’ve also got a small couch in there and great lighting. It’s “my room” and where I spend all my time, so I’ve decorated it with wallpaper and art I like.

   2. Making your at-home desk as fully functional as your office desk. Two monitors, real keyboard and mouse, monitor-mounted webcam, good ergonomics, good lighting. A docking station is super helpful since most laptops don’t have enough USB ports, etc, to connect everything on its own.

   3. In order of importance:
      1) High quality ergonomic chair (if you’re going to spend money in one place, spend it here! I have and highly recommend the Steelcase Think chair, other Steelcase or Herman Miller chairs are good options as well)
      2) Very large and/or multiple monitors, preferably with a single USB C connection that connects the monitor and powers the laptop all in one
      3) Good sized desk near a bright window
      4) Jabra speakerphone , or else a good quality headset with proper microphone, or both
      5) Wireless mouse and proper keyboard
      6) Large insulated mug
      7) A few pretty, colorful accessories

      1. My physical therapist recommends steelcase chairs if you can afford it. I also think a dual monitor is essential.

         1. Yeah I had a spinal disc herniation and my PT said it was due to sitting long hours in the chair I got at Staples at the start of COVID. No issues or pain since finishing PT and buying my Steelcase chair!

      2. +1 for the Think chair!

   4. If you will have kids at home, even under the care of something else, sound proofing is essential and setting super clear boundaries around when you can and can’t be disturbed. Noise canceling headphones and maybe some alterations to your door (I have a rubber strip on the bottom of my door that helps a surprising amount). You may find that a sunroom gets uncomfortably warm in the summer, so some sort of fan or window coverings might be good too.

   5. Everything everyone said above (ergonomics, two monitors, wireless mouse/keyboard). Also:
      * Proper lighting. The lighting in our library (now my home office) was not bright enough to work/read documents/write after mid-afternoon, so I bought a shop light (I will put a link in a reply) early in the pandemic. Something else might work for you, but just don’t forget lighting.
      * FIling/document maintenance; If you literally are never going to the office, you will have to decide how to handle documents. Some options are completely electronic (never ever a piece of paper) or having a system to file and eventually scan/name/upload/properly e-file and then shred whatever paper documents you use or create.
      * Shredder (see above).
      * Consider office supplies (pens, paper clips, whatever) – how to source and where to store.
      * Routine (mine is up early, exercise, shower, breakfast, dress in real clothes (OK, not fancy office clothes but something presentable + earrings/necklace + hair and (minimal) makeup = I feel professional and look it on Zoom).
      * During breakfast, we set out salad components so that when we break for lunch, we just have to chop and assemble. (When I don’t do this, I spend all day eating stuff that probably is not really food, with unfortunate but predictable results.)
      * Know when to stop at the end of the day and how to signal that (turn off lights to home office and close the door, whatever works for you).

      1. Still available at other places:

         https://www.lowes.com/pd/PORTER-CABLE-Porter-Cable-Telescopic-LED-Worklight/5005373443

      2. Coming back to add (because you might not have done it if you were WFH for only 5 weeks): don’t forget proper lighting for your face for Zooms and the Zoom background you are showing others (either virtual or IRL). I follow RoomRater (who actually implemented my March 2020 business idea to consult with people to design their Zoom background based on what they already had in their house).

   6. #1 a real office chair for your home office. I put this off too long but it makes a huge huge difference

      Second priority, make sure you have the best internet service provider you can get in your area

      Third priority would be a second monitor

      Other items to consider – surge protector/power strip, a backup hard drive if you’re not exclusively working on the company’s network, basic office supplies – for instance, a printer and scanner. I cannot do everything paperless, even though I try.

      Think about your background for zoom/teams calls. Are you backlit since you’re in a sunroom? If so you’ll need dark curtains for the brightest days.

   7. For me, actually making a point of getting dressed – not necessarily in officewear, but something beyond a sweatshirt and leggings – is important to not getting depressive cabin fever when WFH full-time.

      1. I bought all the Target Universal Thread dresses and a few bralets for WFH. Comfy, cheap, and I can look presentable for zoom or running out for errands or lunch with a friend by adding jewelry and a cardigan. If I have court, I take my suit off, hang it up, and put the same dress on again.

   8. When I set up a home office shortly before the pandemic I included a credenza (in addition to my desk). I have my printer on it and store office supplies and and some files in it. I found a used Aeron chair (in great shape) at an office furniture place that sells some gently used furniture they get when start ups run out of money. The Aeron style worked for me because it came in 3 sizes and the small was a better fit for me than a standard office chair. When the light through the window became too bright at certain times of year, I had Hunter Douglas blinds installed that have two different shades, one is a solar shade that blocks glare and one shade is opaque and completely blocks out light.
      I use an earlier version of the silver desk lamp shown here. https://www.amazon.com/Dimmable-Technology-Reproduction-Brightness-Adjustment/dp/B09LHQ8VLH?th=1
      When I started doing more Zoom calls I experimented with a ring light but found that I get better lighting when I bought a second silver desk lamp (identical to the one above) so that I have one on each side of my screen. (I tilt the light itself to adjust the lighting.)

   9. I recommend getting a good Lazer Printer that can scan and fax, in addition to copying, so that you do not have to go to a Staples to do stuff somewhere outside of home. I have a complete home office, down to the computers, printers, flatscreens and dual powered wifi that gives me 960 x 960 mbps (which is fast, so that I can upload and download more efficiently). I also had a second land line installed so that I do not have to use my work iphone. I also have a bluetooth headset so that I can walk all around my apartement with no-hands, so that I can take notes or eat while listening to people on calls.

6. I’m traveling to DC late January with my mom, dad, and 14 year old nephew, and I’m seeking ideas for restaurants near the JW Marriott, or easy to get to from there. I had a look online, but the challenge is that my family isn’t very adventurous. I know they would be comfortable at chains, but I’d love to take them somewhere local and delicious.

   Also – my nephew is really into trains and I’d like to take him on the metro. If you have suggestions for routes or destinations – I would be most appreciative! My parents are resistant to leaving the downtown / national mall area, but could be convinced for a neat journey.

   Thanks in advance!

   1. Old Ebbitt Grill is family fare but a local institution.

   2. I had some of the best Mexican food I’ve had in a while at Mi Vida on 14th St recently. The inside is trendy/cool, sit upstairs. Ted’s Bulletin, right nearby, might also be up their alley

   3. The Hamilton and Old Ebbitt Grill are both close by, not outrageously expensive (though not cheap), and would probably fit the bill. Note that you’re in prime office zone so its not an area where the most fun restaurants are – if you head about a mile up 14th St you’ll have more options like Le Diplomate, Pearl Dive Oyster Bar, or Etto. Your nephew would probably enjoy Astro Doughnuts and Fried Chicken. If you like bakeries, Rose Ave and Ninos are top options in the area.

      If your nephew doesn’t find it too “babyish” (which I don’t think it is as an adult but I know teen boys) the zoo is great and a short metro ride away. (Since its on a hill the tip is to get off at Cleveland Park, walk downhill to the zoo entrance, and when you leave walk downhill again to Woodley.) I think they might still have timed entry but its free as long as you register in advance. If you take the yellow line into Virginia (the closest yellow line station to your hotel is probably Archives) the metro goes over a bridge instead of underground which may be interesting. If you want to go to Arlington National Cemetery and get the bridge instead of the tunnel you’d take the yellow (not blue) line first and then switch at the first stop in VA (Pentagon) to the blue for one stop to Arlington Cemetery.

      Hope you have a great trip!

      1. Yellow into VA is closed until May, would not recommend that. A super short metro trip might be green line down to SW station- walk over to the Wharf, tons of restaurants and monument views there.

      2. +1 to zoo

         Not sure how long you will be there, but you should squeeze in a quick side trip to go up the Old Post Office tower (free, no reservation needs, no lines, located on the side of the Waldorf Astoria on Penn Ave thru door “museum and clock tower” ) if that’s not already in your itinerary! I just went back to take a look this late Dec after… 10 years? Great views, and so unknown compared to the Washington Monument.

         If I remember correctly, most of the railyards are at the end of the lines so they’re quite far out, but there are several areas where the lines run above ground. In addition to what the poster above mentioned, the trains run aboveground on the red line at NoMa, Rhode Island, and I think Brookland stations? Your nephew should be on the watchout for at least 2 types of railcars that are currently in use.

   4. Old Ebbitts Grill is a good choice. Any of the Clyde’s chains have good food. You could take the Red Line up to Friendship Heights and go to the Clyde’s up there – the dining room has a little model train that runs around near the ceiling (at least, the track is still there, I don’t know if they still run the train). To be honest, there isn’t much in that neighborhood except pricey stores, though.

      You could also take the Red Line up to the zoo if it’s nice out. It is a bit of a walk to get to the zoo from either stop (Woodley Park or Cleveland Park), not sure if that’s an issue.

      DuPont Circle is also on the Red Line, and while there aren’t a lot of tourist sites there, there is the Kramer bookstore and restaurant, which is fun if you are into books. Or you could just hop on the Orange or Blue (I think?) line for a short trip down to the Mall and check out a couple of Smithsonians. I did just learn that the Air and Space museum now requires timed entry tickets, so look into that if it’s a place you want to go.

      One place I like to take visitors who may not be very adventurous eaters is Jaleo. It’s a Spanish tapas restaurant, and while they have some more unusual items, a lot of the things are basically potatoes or meat. I think it’s fairly easy to find something that will please almost everyone, and their sangria is the best.

      1. What about the 1776 House? I love the food, and it was not greazy! I am not a big fan of fried food, b/c I got the runs after eating to many latkes for Chanukah.

   5. If you’re looking for a casual meal before 5pm, the cafeteria at the National Museum of the American Indian is a cool dining experience, though it’s not inexpensive like you’d expect from a cafeteria. They have stations with different menus organized by geographic regions and based on the indigenous historic foods of those places. The food is tasty and interesting and I don’t think it strays too far from what a mainstream American palate would be comfortable with. When the museum opened there was a lot of criticism about the organization of the exhibits but everyone agreed the cafeteria is amazing. Enjoy your trip!

   6. If you are flying into Reagan National (DCA), (and without a burdensome amount of luggage), you can take the Metro from the airport to downtown via the Blue line to Metro Center. The JW Marriott is about 3 blocks from the Metro Center south entrance. That route will only take about 30 minutes, and the train will be above ground going over the Potomac River and you’ll have a pretty view of the city and monuments from the left hand side of the train. If you fly into Dulles (IAD) you can also take Metro downtown, but it’s a longer, less efficient and less scenic ride.

      1. The blue line is under the water, not on a bridge. The yellow one is the one that has a bridge over the Potomac, but it will still be closed in Spring.

         1. Ah – you are right! It’s been a while since I commuted that way, but I remember loving that view twice a day!

   7. Old Ebbitt is the classic answer here. Other suggestions would include the Hamilton and Central.
      You should definitely take your nephew on the train! If it’s more about the journey and less about the destination, he might be interested to know that the Wheaton station has the longest escalator in the United States. And you could ride the Blue Line into Alexandria — along the way it goes under the river and then goes above ground by the airport. (Unfortunately the train bridge over the potomac is currently under construction.)

      You also could consider reaching out to your members of Congress for a tour, specifically so you could ride on the mini subway system connecting the house and senate sides to the main building.

      1. Whoops, I’m the earlier anon who said to go over the bridge – shows how often I go to Virginia!

   8. Old Ebbitt and Hamilton are great options that are super close for y’all. If you’re open to walking a bit further, Zaytinya is delicious Mediterranean food, but they also have basic chicken shwarma and the BEST PITA BREAD ever for the unadventurous. Elephant & Castle is also a long-standing “pub food” place that you can easily get to.

      For your Metro ride, for a teen, you might consider taking the blue line down to Pentagon City from Metro Center–the train station is actually attached to the Pentagon City mall, which is a pretty impressive 3 (4?) story mall with everything under the sun. If you want something more DCish, Arlington National Cemetery is probably where I’d go, also Blue line.

   9. Here are a few spots that are downtown and would be walking distance for you:
      Zaytinya
      Rasika
      The Smith
      Jaleo
      Sfoglina

      For metro rides – you could head out to Arlington National Cemetery, the National Zoo, or Navy Yard?

   10. I love Central, which is right across from the Waldorf Astoria (formerly Trump Hotel). The Waldorf is stunning and great for a drink if you don’t mind spending $$$$$.

   11. Take the Silver line out to Dulles, where you can catch transport to the Air and Space Museum. That way, most of the route is above ground (even if he’s seeing office parks), but he gets to go to a cool-looking airport and to a really fun museum.

7. What’s your go to easy week night meals that are veg heavy, have leftovers and feel a bit more wholesome? I’m in the U.K. and a bit fed up with stews, chilli, soups, cottage pie, same old pasta etc.

   1. I shared the smitten kitchen one pot farro dish a while back – it’s one of our go-to easy meals. I believe her recipe only includes tomato (and onion and garlic) but we also throw in Italian sausage and a lot of kale toward the end. I also really love the Cookie & Kate green curry with spring vegetables – we swap in different veggies all the time, and it’s super easy and flavorful.

      1. We’re veggie and in the UK, and almost wholly dependent on Guosto kits. But other standbys are the smitten kitchen one pot chickpea pasta, lazy ramen, etc.

         1. Not vegetarian but eat a lot of plant-based foods, and I love Mindful Chef kits in the UK! Very veggie-focused dishes, no dairy or gluten, only whole grains, and I’ve liked basically all of the recipes I’ve tried.

      2. I made the one pot farro dish based on your suggestion – yummy! But the farro was a bit undercooked. Any tips? (I know I know I should check out the comments on her page).

         1. For us the farro always takes longer than we think…I just leave it on longer, and add more chicken broth if needed. You could also always get pearled farro, which should cook faster (we use semi-pearled I believe)

         2. She says to use the package instructions for how long the farro takes. I find that spot on.

      3. + 1 million to this. Also the smitten kitchen brocolli, wild rice, cheese casserole.

      4. I love this farro recipe. We throw in a can of white beans for protein, and I eat it all week.

      5. I don’t put anything in the farro, and I think it’s delicious as is. I even skip the cheese most of the time. Fresh basil, if you can get it, really makes it great (it’s in the recipe) but I’ve used thyme too.

   2. Tacos ate easy. I like sweet potato and black bean. I roast diced sweet potato with some chili powder, onion powder, and smoked paprika and do nothing special to the black beans. Warm tortillas and top with whatever you want like salsa, avocado, etc. You could also serve over rice in a bowl.

      1. This sounds delicious!

      2. We make a simple version of this. Instead of taking the time to roast the sweet potatoes, microwave for 8-10 mins and then scoop the flesh out into the tortilla.

      3. I do black bean Quesadillas like this. Freeze them. Part of my weekly rotation. Also nice to bring for lunch that those who like a hot lunch. I keep breakfast/lunch simple (same thing / similar things every day), and focus on a core set of easy, fast, healthy, veg heavy dinner meals.

         .

   3. Sheet pan meals.

      Pinch of Yum Roasted Vegetable Bowls with Green Tahini is excellent.

      Right now my favorite meal is sliced peppers, onions, garlic tossed in olive oil and roasted on a sheet pan. I add kielbasa and pierogis. Although if you have an air fryer, air fryer pierogis are really crispy and delicious – so I usually cook those separately.

      1. I just made those Pinch of Yum veggie bowls! The green tahini was great.

         Not veggie per se, but the Lemongrass Meatball Bowls from PoY were also delicious. I used a hefty squeeze of lemongrass paste and only a couple teaspoons of fish sauce (it’s really strong for me).

         The pumpkin turkey chili from TastesLovely turned out pretty good, not too heavy for a chili. I’d add either some warm Indian or Middle Eastern spices for another layer of flavor.

   4. Bon Appetit has a great recipe for sweet potato curry which I love (buy lemongrass paste to save a tonne of time and cleanup)

      I also love the Skinnytaste spaghetti squash with enchilada sauce

      In the spring, David Lebivitz’s freekeh artichoke risotto is amazing. I add fava beans too.

   5. Frittatas or egg bakes with anything you have in the fridge. I make one every week using the following formula:

      6 eggs
      1/2ish cup of cottage cheese
      handful of shredded cheese
      any veg I have – fresh or frozen

      Spray pyrex, bake at 375 for 30 minutes.

      1. +1

         I also do eggs once a week. So fast and easy. Although just about every egg order I get in a restaurant/brunch place is overcooked, so maybe not so easy?

         I am even lazier, and usually do an egg scramble with goat cheese or feta, and throw in a little spinach and tomato and the end.

         And if I actually want to “cook”, I have added Shaksuka (?sp) to the rotation, after recs on this site. I usually make it with chickpeas, but the recipe that I use is the white bean one also recommended here.

   6. I was brought up not using jarred sauces (other than Patak’s for curry) but I’ve recently realised that there’s a number of jarred pasta sauces out there that only contain the ingredients I’d use myself – Heinz and M&S own brand in particular. So I’ve been doing pasta with an easy sauce and extra vegetables a lot lately.

      But also fishfinger sandwiches with plenty of salad and a pile of green beans on the side – everything from the freezer except the bread and salad!

      1. Ribena, what about Rao’s sauce? I love Rao’s sauce, which is Italian marinara. I recommend it to the entire HIVE, tho it is NOT cheap!

   7. Tacos with home made tortillas, Shakshuka, red curry, rice bowls

   8. Boiled spaghetti with a simple marinara

      1. But only if you have friends to share it with!

   9. Meera Sodha’s Brussel Sprout Fried Rice (Nasi Goreng) is really tasty and filling and comes together in about 30 mins. (Every time I say I’m going to make it, my husband groans but then he admits to loving it). The recipes online say to use Jasmine rice, but I always use brown rice.
      https://www.theguardian.com/food/2020/nov/23/meera-sodhas-sprout-nasi-goreng

      My other go to simple recipe is sheet pan gnocchi – Toss gnocchi and veggies (I use tomatoes, eggplant, squash, onions… whatever I have on hand) in a sheet pan with olive oil, salt, pepper herbs. Roast at 450 for 20 mins. The leftovers do have to be reheated to eat because the gnocchi are tough if eaten cold.
      Otherwise we do a lot of stir-fries, Noodle soups loaded with veggies, roasted veggies grain bowls.

8. I’m going on vacation for 8 days. My cat will be home alone. She has an auto-feeder, large water dispenser, and a self cleaning litter box so I know she’ll be “ok” but she’s a super clingy kitty and I know she’ll be stressed when I’m gone. She hides under the bed whenever other people come over. I tried to find a friend who would stay overnight in case she would warmup to a friend but struck out. Home is better than boarding her, but any suggestions for making her more comfortable much appreciated!

   1. Hmmm, I might still have someone pop by to check in food and water levels just in case something happens, at least every few days. It might make kitty feel less alone even if she doesn’t come out.

   2. I’d try pay someone to come in an hour a day both to make sure nothing goes wrong with the feeder/she doesn’t get stuck or up to mischief. Even the background noise it would make would probably be good for her. Plenty of people do it as a business but you could ask If any friends dog walkers etc would do it.

   3. Eight days is a really long time. Do you have anyone who can stop over to check on her? It doesn’t have to be a full blown housesitter, but I personally wouldn’t be comfortable being gone that long without somebody checking on my somewhat skittish cat.

      1. +1 And if she is alone all day she might just come out and say hi to the person who stops by, so she could get some loving.

      2. I agree. Not to freak you out, but once we had ants get in our automatic feeder and if we’d been gone poor kitty would have been in big trouble! We generally have somebody come in every 2-3 days just to make sure everything is okay, even though the kitties always hide and never come out.

   4. I’d pay someone to come by and check on her and play for a little bit a couple of times. 8 days is a lot even with auto feeders/cleaners. I’ll leave mine for about 72 hours, but longer than that makes me nervous.

   5. I would have a pet sitter come at least every other day just to make sure both ng us wrong. Your cat may not warm up but will know someone is there.

   6. My cats are also afraid of strangers, but I’m not really comfortable leaving them more than 3-4 days. Can you have someone come check at once?

   7. Can you call your local vet and ask if any of the office assitants/techs do cat-sitting? That’s how I found both of the in-home cat sitters I’ve used in the past. I agree with others that 8 days is an awful long time to leave a pet alone – I’ve done 2 nights in the past but that’s about as far as I’d stretch it imho.

      1. This is how I’ve hired cat sitters in two cities also.
         8 days is too long – if the automatic feeder or water dispenser breaks on day 2 your cat will be in danger, and she’ll be confused without anyone around for a week.

   8. I definitely think you need a backup plan for someone to check on her. What if the water dispenser malfunctions? Or the power goes out so the auto-feeder doesn’t work, etc? I’d also get a cheapo camera to position on the bowls so you can watch and ensure they are working.

   9. Eight days is too long without someone to check on her, even with the auto feeder and self-cleaning litter box. We have a similar setup with lots of auto stuff for our cats, but when we are gone for longer than a couple days, we ask a family member or hire a pet sitter to stop by every other day. They can check that the auto feeder is still working, water is fresh and full, and empty out the litter bin/ make sure it hasn’t gotten jammed. And do a check on your cat that she hasn’t accidentally shut herself in a room or is injured or sick. Your cat may not care about bonding with a friend or pet sitter but at least this way you’ll know she’s okay and all the automatic stuff is functioning properly.

      Not to scare you, but a good friend recently left her cats alone for just three days only to come home and find that one of them was very ill, hiding, not eating, etc. Turns out he had gotten a normal respiratory infection but it got out of control while she wasn’t home, and it’s cascaded into a bunch of other stuff that may result in her having to euthanize him this week. Have someone check on your cat. :(

   10. My cats are also afraid of strangers, until they connect said stranger with food. They’ve had multiple cat sitters over the years who check in every few days, and in every case the first two visits I get a where do they like to hide I can’t see them, and by visit three they are screaming to demand food as soon as the person walks in the door. By visit 4 I get videos of them playing with the sitter. All that to say, maybe find someone who can check in every few days and talk to the cat out loud even if they don’t see them. You may be surprised how quickly they warm up to someone.

   11. Wait what? Unacceptable. Hire a cat sitter. It’s wild you think it’s ok to leave kitty with no human contact? Like this is abuse. Get on Rover. Find a sitter. Book them daily.

       1. +1 million. You cannot leave a cat alone for 8 days. I don’t care if you have auto feeders/waters, there are many things that can go wrong and they need to be checked on.

       2. +1 to this. Cat may not care about human contact, but it’s way too long to count on automatic equipment to take care of your cat.

   12. I can’t imagine leaving an animal alone for that long…who knows what could happen and what you walk in on when you got home…
       A sibling has a cat and when they are away for more than a night they ask someone to go over and check on it once a day, both for interactions and to check that everything is as it should be.

   13. 8 days is too long to leave her by herself with no one checking on her. I don’t know if daily checks are necessary, but every other day minimum, I would have someone come by, make sure her food and water dispensers are still working, and she’s generally happy and not having any health problems. Cats are self-sufficient but that doesn’t mean they don’t need both human contact and someone making sure they haven’t gotten into something they shouldn’t have. Ask a friend, or get on care dot com and find a petsitter. Having someone do a one-hour welfare check every other day shouldn’t be too expensive.

   14. Agree with others that you need someone to check on her while you’re gone. Two of my five cats are not fans of strangers and hide when the pet sitter comes over (2x a day) but they do some out afterwards to eat, drink and nap in their usual spots.

   15. This is exactly the use case for a pet sitter. We get one daily if we’re gone for more than 2 days. They come for about 30 minutes, do food/litter/water, and play with the cat. It costs about $20 per visit (and then I usually tip 10-20%). I have security cameras set up when we leave, and I can totally see how excited my cat is when the sitter comes.

   16. Eight days is way too long to leave her without a pet-sitter. It makes me uncomfortable to even think of that. You can go on Nextdoor to find a high schooler who will check on her for cheap.

   17. What about putting some catnip out in various places like on a cat bed to make her feel comfy? Could you leave a tv on in a room? Does she have a cat condo? Maybe leave some new cat toys out?
       Also agree with others to have someone come by and at least put their eyes on your cat. My sister once went out of town and came back to her cat with a fish hook stuck in her mouth – poor thing got into fishing gear somehow!

   18. Eight days is too long to leave a cat alone. You should find somebody to check on her, ideally daily.

   19. Do you have a younger kid in your neighborhood that could check in on the cat? My friend found a 10 year old nearby who offers it as a “business”. I think the rate is $5 a day, her mom comes with her. It’s a really cute relationship. The kid loves cats. She even bought my friend’s cat a Christmas present this year (aka a couple of catnip toys).

       1. +1, we cat-sat for a neighbor when we were pretty young (like 13-14). Food and water, litter box, a few scritches if he was willing to come out. Pretty easy.

       2. I feel like every mid schooler and young high schooler in my neigborhood runs a pet-sitting, dog walking service. A post on the neighborhood facebook group would get me 20 or more responses. I don’t think they charge much of the short amount of time it takes to just check on a cat and it would provide peace of mind.

   20. Have somebody stop by and Zoom with you. Even if she won’t come out, cats find their person’s voice reassuring, and eight days is long enough that your cat may become stressed about whether something has happened to you!

   21. I have a similar situation and have someone stop by in case something malfunctions or the power goes out. I have someone come at least every 3rd day. I also set up a camera in front of her favorite area so that I can check on her if I get randomly anxious.

   22. 8 days?! I would be a ball of stress leaving my cat alone without anyone checking in on her for 8 days. Mostly because she tends to like to play with doors and has shut herself in rooms before, thankfully only when I was at work.

       Hire a cat sitter. I have a sitter who ONLY works with cats and my cat, who doesn’t even really love snuggling with me, is obsessed with her. I’ve also used young neighbors, adult neighbors or Rover in a pinch. I thankfully live in a condo complex with a lot of cat owners and we are always happy to check in on other cats when their owners are out of town.

   23. Agreed with the other commenters – it would really be best for your cat to have someone drop in probably every other day. I have two kitties, and one is shy but she will come say hi and get some interaction while we are away. Even if she hides it’s good to have someone drop by. You could also have the sitter leave a little wet food out if she likes that so she may be excited to see the sitter. I have had great luck with someone from Rover who we have used for years now and when she is not available I’ve found other great options who are used to shy cats and surprise me with pictures petting my shy kitty. I also recommend a Ring camera or similar while you’re away – I have several in my house and I can make sure the cats look fine and that the door to the litter robot room has not closed, etc. The camera has helped us identify issues the bored kitties got up to – including opening our freezer and dumping the contents onto the ground, and turning on our kitchen faucet at full blast!

   24. By day 5 days, cat will make friends with your catsitter.

   25. I once left my cat alone for 2 days and she somehow managed to shut herself into the bathroom so until I got home and found her, she had no access to her food or litter box. If something like that happens and you are gone for 8 days, you are coming home to a dead cat. Enough people have said this but your attitude that your cat will be “ok” is completely misplaced. You cannot leave a cat home alone that long.

       1. My cat did the same thing! She managed to get stuck in our glass door shower. Luckily we had a cat sitter visit every day. The poor cat was crying in the shower when the sitter found her.

          1. Cats love to get up to mischief! I was so upset because my mom was supposed to check on cat while I was gone and she decided she didn’t need to because it was a short trip and therefore my cat would fine. Fortunately it was short but poor kitty was so freaked out.

   26. Hire a professional pet sitter to come once a day. This is the cost of having pets and having a life.

   27. It makes me ill that you think this is ok. Of course you need someone to check on her!! even if they don’t stay over. A super clingy cat you are going to leave alone for 8 days! Every day would be torture for her never mind if something happened. my god

   28. Remember that angry/depressed cats will spray or pee all over your house. I won’t leave my outdoor cats alone for more than 48 hours.

       1. pearl clutching aside

          setup some arlo or similar cameras so you can check in real time and also talk to her. use them in advance of going.

          good luck.

   29. I would have a cat sitter check in on your pussycat every day. Otherwise, she will start scratching up the couch and carpet. My sister’s had a cat that she left in her dorm in college and when she came home after 1 day, the cat had pooped and peeed all over her bed after ripping up the sheets. Now I would never leave a cat alone.

9. apparently I do a THING while I’m sleeping, which is spin on a pivot point on my head, which is causing a swirl in my hair.

   I have broken the rotisserie habit, more or less, but my hair is parting there somehow and it’s toward back of my head.

   what can I do about the hair part?

   thanks. ugh.

   1. Treat it like a cowlick? It sounds like that is what you are describing.

   2. Is it a cowlick? If not I bet it would go away if you washed your hair.

   3. Would sleeping in a bonnet or silk scarf help?

      1. Yes to the sleep bonnet! I always showered in the morning because the crown of my head looks insane if I sleep on it! I started using a Silke sleep bonnet last year and showering at night (and blow drying before sleep) and most mornings the hair looks normal (though on occasion it still does something wonky).

      2. I was gonna suggest a braid or bun, but I think the bonnet would be a better idea

   4. What about switching to a silk pillowcase?

      1. have silk pillowcases and bonnet and wash hair daily.

         still there as a part/swirl. what do I do to treat it like a cowlick? Is it just accept that it is there and style over it?

         tia!

   5. Silk pillowcases.

10. For those of you who have tried Wegovy, did you have any side effects when you first started? I’m beginning it next week and am not sure what to expect.

    1. I have had minimal side effects with low doses. As I ramped up, I sometimes have nausea. I find that eating a little bit every few hours really helps (I mean a little — an apple, a handful of nuts, slice of deli turkey). Make sure you drink plenty of water. That helps with everything.

    2. I lost 74 pounds in it last year and still on it.

       get the Zofran sub lingual!

       after the first dose (of any meds) do it during the day with someone around in case you have a reaction.

       after that, do it at bedtime, take a Zofran and nausea should be mild.

       see Reddit forums on it. extensive!

    3. Started in August at the 25 mg dose and stepped to 50 in September where I remain today. I’m down 40 lbs and it’s been life changing.

       I had nausea the day of administration – if I injected around 8am I’d be nauseous around lunch time. It would pass and wasn’t brutal (read: I’d do it all over again given the results I’ve had). I also had, and continue to have, an upset stomach. I’ve learned that it’s mostly triggered by eating either too much or when I make bad food choices. It’s not every day, but it’s a lot of days – sometimes 2x/day – but, and again, I’d do it all over again ten times for these results.

       I mixed taking the medicine with WW, which has been extra effective.

       BTW, is there still a Wegovy shortage? I’ve had to use Ozempic lately because I couldn’t get low dose Wegovy. It’s essentially the same thing, so don’t be upset if you can’t find Wegovy. Talk to your PCP to change the Rx and you’ll be good.

    4. I started taking Ozempic November 1. I have had no side effects other than some urgency to go to the bathroom. No accidents…but also, just need to go when it’s time. I’ve had no nausea or really any issues. I’m down 20 pounds since November 1 and will continue until I hit my goal. It’s been an amazing experience.

11. Inspired by a NYT post, what are our thoughts on babies in business/first class?

    I guess where I come out is this: planes are uncomfortable no matter your class of service. Airlines cram way too many people in way too small a space with no sound proofing, no place for parents to nurse or change or deal with a fussy child, and there isn’t a quiet car like on a train. That’s not an individual parent’s fault. At the same time, a squirmy toddler needs their own seat even if the airline’s policy technically allows you to carry them in arms, and I’m going to side eye you real hard if you decided to spring for a single business class seat but not 2 seats in coach. But for the most part this is all the airline’s fault and it’s unfair to blame individuals who are just doing their best.

    1. My $.02 is that I need to pee all the time and turbulance is no joke. I would never not buy my kid a seat b/c I think it is important to have them in a car seat, especially if I am in the bathroom. I also always needed the seat for a car / rental car at either end of a trip and never really trusted it to get on the right plane or not be wrecked in the baggage hold (some mystery brown liquid got on the cloth part of one suitcase and wrecked it; wouldn’t want that on a seat I had to immediately use).

       Life is short. Kids are a cost center. Factor in the cost of a second seat b/c their safety costs less than mid-air sudden turbulance, concussions, head injuries, or whipping around a large head that’s on a little neck.

    2. I am child free and I just don’t care at all if there’s a kid in business class with me, baby or otherwise. They exist and if that’s how their parents want to travel, their choice.

    3. Airlines have done a remarkable job at convincing people that their sub-par offerings and service is somehow the fault of other customers. The classic example is the seat recline debate. Whoever you stand on the topic, the real person to be angry with is the airline not your fellow passenger.

       1. Yep definitely! I fly weekly and the kids aren’t the problem, it’s the obnoxious adults (videos without headphones, heavy drinking, shouting across aisles).

          1. This. I’d take a baby (even a crabby one) over a drunken group of spring breakers/lad or hen do guests any day.

          2. Can you really call someone an adult if they don’t use headphones in public?? (This is a huge pet peeve of mine, and hilariously expressed by a tweet I saw somewhere – “You are not the protagonist of this grocery store!”)

             1. Ha! I was grateful for those drunken adults on Monday when my son ended up sobbing throughout the flight because of an earache. They were maybe more annoying than my crying kid?

             2. +1000. What the Actual You-Know-What – you think I want to hear your cr*p spewing out of your phone. This inspires such rage in me and I just have to put on my noise blocking headphones and swallow the bile. And shoot murderous looks.

             3. I hate when people talk in the phone in speaker in public. I don’t want to hear the entire conversation!

             4. OMG I was on a long train trip last week and this (Boomer-aged) guy came into the lounge car and actually thought it was okay to watch some video on his tablet with no headphones!! Fortunately a braver soul than I told him to knock it off, which he did. But FFS, man…

          3. I never thought I’d say this, but I’d be OK without alcohol on domestic flights. The last few times I’ve flown, there have been some very, very angry drunk guys and I’ll be damned if I’m going to get held up at the gate so they can kick some idiot off of the plane.

             1. Hard same.

       2. The “headrests” on the seat are designed for a 5’10” man. For a petite woman they push your head forward at a painful angle. I have to recline my seat otherwise I’ll be in pain for days. Until the airlines get rid of that torture device I won’t adhere to some imaginary rule about reclining being unacceptable.

          1. Amen! I hate those headrests. (5’1”)

          2. This. (5’2″)

          3. You are too right.

    4. I agree – this is the fault of the airlines and not individuals. We are treated as cattle when we fly but the airline says our fellow passengers are the problem. I think there is a bigger safety issue of lap children at play. If you can at all afford it, I think getting your child their own seat is the best thing. In a severe turbulence situation you may not be able to hold onto your child the way you think you can.

    5. It’s completely fine and anyone whining is an idiot.

    6. I have zero issue with babies or toddlers or kids in business/first class. I also have zero issues with a lap child (under age 2) in business or first class.

    7. Planes have changing tables, though maybe not in every restroom. I don’t see the big deal about babies in business class. I used to travel to an country with lots of expats and there were always plenty of babies in business class. If you’re so sensitive that you can’t exist around children, stay home.

       1. I have to say that a crying baby is impossible to ignore. Literally impossible- evolution has made sure that you can’t tune out the noise. I understand that a crying baby isn’t the parents’ fault 95% of the time but that doesn’t make it any less unpleasant.

          That being said, you can hear a crying baby from anywhere on the plane. I’m much more judgmental towards parents who bring their toddler or kid in first class and they don’t stop the kid from being loud or kicking seats.

          1. I have bounced many a stranger’s baby on a plane just to give parents a break. Sometimes just a change is enough to reset them. If they are tiny, the kids really cannot help it. Playing peek-a-boo or waiving with the very little ones goes a long way. [Older kids ought to be taught plane manners, but babies are another matter.]

          2. Maybe you would find it helpful to travel with earplugs if you are so sensitive?

             1. I’m not saying we should ban babies from planes. My point is it’s disingenuous to say “Oh just ignore the crying baby, you’re being dramatic” when that noise is particularly hard to tune out. The baby can’t help it but their crying is harder to ignore than, say, an adult talking loudly.

          3. I worked at a children’s museum and was eventually able to ignore crying children, but it took a while :)

             1. Ahh the one in Indy? I love that museum!

             2. After having two kids, I hear a crying baby somewhere on a plane, think, “Oh, it’s not mine! I don’t have to do anything!” and can go right back to sleep. If the baby is in my row, I’m probably already chatting with the mom and would 100% take the baby if asked (I love babies *especially* when I’m not their parent). One of my kids made the mistake of complaining about crying babies in an airport and we regaled him with ALL the stories of his fussy toddler ways.

    8. Babies and children are people and have a right to be in public spaces. I have no problem with them in business/first class. (I felt this way before I had kids, fwiw). I have status with United and get upgraded more often then not on domestic/Caribbean flights with my 4 year old as my companion, and I’ve paid for upgrades to business class on Europe flights with my kid. I can only think of one time when someone (fellow passenger, not flight attendant) was rude about it.

    9. I’ll bite! For context I am child free, and honestly don’t like kids. However, I think a kid with its own seat in biz/first class is OK. I say that because during one of my few experiences flying overnight in business class (lay-flat beds on an international flag carrier) a person in the cabin used the wifi to make sure his phone and computer dinged and beeped with alerts all night long. He was doing work, and so apparently needed the alerts, but it disturbed the passengers near him who were trying to sleep. (I was farther away, with ear plugs, but those near him complained more than once and flight attendants kept asking him to keep it down). So even a child free cabin isn’t a guarantee that you’ll be able to sleep or not hear anything intrusive. And that doesn’t even consider the chance of being near a snorer!

    10. Children of all ages are allowed to exist in (most*) public spaces, so I have no issues with babies, toddlers, or kids in first class. I would never begrudge a baby or toddler for crying or being loud or anything in first class.

        HOWEVER, if you’re going to have children (not babies or toddlers) in nice places then they need to behave appropriately. This applies to airplanes and nice restaurants and museums and plenty of other places. I am by no means a “children should be seen and not heard” person, but kids can be kids and still learn that you don’t run around a museum like it’s the playground. It’s on the parents to teach and model appropriate behavior. It’s also on the parents to recognize that their kids have a limit of how much they can be expected to do and provide them appropriate outlets.

        *there are some places that are just not appropriate for children, or are not appropriate for children after a certain time of day. A brewery near me is limiting kids after 5pm and it is causing an uproar but I’m honestly in favor. If I’m going out drinking with my friends, I don’t want to be surrounded by kids and having to watch my language!

        1. Co-sign all of this.

        2. OMG I’m so glad to hear your brewery is limiting kids. The one we liked that was closest to our house devolved into a contest around who could bring the tiniest baby, most energetic toddler, or largest and unruliest dog. So much for a pleasant afternoon!

        3. If parents bring their kid to a brewery after 5 PM and the kid learns a bad word, that is the fault of the parents and not the fault of brewery or the bad word user.

        4. I mean… is a plane a “nice place”?

           1. First class or business class is! But really, kids should be taught to behave well on planes regardless of where they’re sitting… otherwise they grow up to be Tradwicks who listen to movies without headphones :)

              But, I’m only 29 and when we were kids my parents insisted we were somewhat dressed to fly: I recall wearing sundresses and my brothers wearing khakis and polos on flights, and we definitely weren’t the only ones dressing up to fly!

              1. I don’t insist on “dressing up,” but I do make my kids where something clean and stain-free on the plane. And I put in a little effort on the off chance it makes me look more like a reasonable middle-aged lady as opposed to an about-to-tantrum Karen-type.

              2. Well, one way to learn is by practicing, and there aren’t a lot of other places to practice flying besides on a flight. Also, you can’t just leave a flight when the kids start getting out of hand they way you can leave another place like a museum. Kids flying to travel are also very likely to be exhausted, overstimulated, or otherwise totally out of whack in ways that are not preventable and may not reflect the behavior work their parents do with them under less stressful circumstances.

        5. I have always been curious how taking kids to pubs for dinner works in the UK. We had plenty of lunches in pubs when we went to London (with our kids and all the other kids), but no dinners. Is there a time span (like Fridays 6-8) where it’s OK and the serious drinking happens later on?

           FWIW, several of the breweries around me allow dogs (and kids) and it’s NBD, but it’s LA and the spaces are relatively large. Also, I do not care about “hearing bad language,” my kids know all the words anyway.

           1. Yes, we went to London when I was 14 and my brothers were 12 and 9 and I remember we had a really hard time finding places where we could eat dinner!

              1. We never had a problem (went in 2018), but three of the four of us are pretty adventurous eaters and didn’t mind going someplace fancy-ish.

           2. I think it might be an indoor-outdoor thing as well, with beer gardens more family friendly.

        6. I do not disagree re kids have limits, but this too isn’t necessarily the parents fault. We took our kids (2.5 and 5) on a Thanksgiving trip. Kids were great on the flight out! But the flight back was hard: there were delays, the airport was crowded, and in short even though we were careful to schedule our travel around nap times, by the time we finally boarded it was an hour past said nap time and 2.5 year old was DONE. So he screamed until he fell asleep right as we hit cruising altitude. It sucked, but traveling has unforeseen delays and challenges and all a parent’s careful and expensive planning can’t prevent that. A kid acting out or racing around isn’t necessarily a kid who doesn’t have basic manners. Travel is disruptive and hard and a 2.5 cannot rationalize that. All he knows is he is tired.

           1. One of my kids (the one who was so amiable we referred to her as a “stunt baby”) once screamed for 45 of the 90 minutes between BWI and BOS. We tried our best but there was seriously nothing that would calm her down, and none of our trying would have been apparent unless you were within a few seats of our seats.

              Related: I never did it, but I definitely considered just letting my kid tantrum in an airport setting because I was getting such a dirty look from a stranger. Oh, you think my kids are loud? I live with them 24-7, I can tune out almost any noise at this point.

           2. My poor husband was once flying solo with our kid who was, I think, 4 years old at the time. Our son has always loved planes and has behaved well and has even been lulled by the white noise of the engine. This particular trip, though, as the plane started its descent, our son started scream-crying and kept it up for the last 45 minutes of the plane ride, through baggage claim, and until I picked them up 45 minutes after landing. Every mom on the plane was offering DH stuff to try to help. We headed straight to urgent care. Kid had an ear infection that went undetected until the plane trip.

              1. I flew when my then almost 2 year old daughter had RSV (we didn’t know what it was at the time) and was alternately coughing, vomiting and crying hysterically from the unpleasantness of the coughing and vomiting. I’m sure people around us hated us, but we truly had no idea how bad it was until we got on the plane. We had been in a tropical high humidity environment and it was mostly a runny nose and then we got into the very dry air of the plane and it suddenly became this violent cough.

    11. If you don’t want a squirmy toddler or crying baby, then fly private or drive. Kids have the right to exist just like anyone else does.

        1. +1. I don’t see why it’s okay to treat kids like a separate species. “I don’t like kids” isn’t any different than saying you don’t like the elderly.

    12. The only flight I have ever been irritated by parents having a small child in first class was one from Guam to Honolulu- an ~8 hour flight that departed around 8am local time, but with a large portion of the plane (myself included) connecting in from other locations meaning they hadn’t slept in over 24 hours. The child was probably less than a year old and generally a happy camper, which unfortunately included vocally sharing that fact with everyone around. The parents took turns keeping the child entertained and taking advantage of the lay-flat seats to catch some extra sleep… unfortunately not all of us are as good at drowning out the happy noises.

        I agree with other posters that it’s a sucky situation regardless, but them being able to sleep while their child prevented me from sleeping was definitely had me making eye daggers at the back of their seat.

        1. It’s not their fault you can’t manage ear plugs and NyQuil

        2. I’m shocked the airline didn’t provide ear plugs. I thought that was standard in first class.

           1. I believe they did, but I had an ear infection- between sleep deprivation and pain I was already primed to be irritated and it was not going to be a pleasant flight for me regardless.
              And I hope my comment came off the way I intended which is- while I may find other travelers’ irritating- adults or children- having children in first class is a non-issue for me.

    13. Planes are not fancy restaurants. If you can afford first class for you and your child, more power to you. Whether a screaming child is in the back of the plane or the front, it sucks for everyone. If you’re child is screaming in a fancy restaurant, you better move it to the lobby or reception area etc.

    14. I don’t care as long as the parent is minding the kid. Any baby or toddler might cry but are they prepared with plane-appropriate distractions (baby headphones and tablet? Bottle or gum or lollipop for earaches on ascent? Walking the kid around the cabin? – in other words not saying “I give up” and letting the kid kick the seat or otherwise mess with people’s area).

        Also, good-quality noise cance!!ing headphones are a godsend and do actually mitigate crying noise.

    15. It is unsafe to have a lap baby—they really need their own seat. https://www.consumerreports.org/airline-travel/why-you-should-never-fly-with-baby-on-your-lap/

    16. Adults on planes (and not on planes!) should be adults, i.e. make the best of things and not make a fuss. Every time I hear an adult whine and complain about a baby doing baby things on a plane I think “At least the baby is being age-appropriate. What’s your excuse?”

        A crying baby might be tough to listen to, but IME they are never actually problems. My worst flight involved Tradwick serially ordering cocktails and leering at me more with every drink. At some point the crew cut him off. I was ~20 and very uncomfortable. (Now I would ask to be reseated but at the time I thought seat assignments were carved in stone.)

    17. It’s 100% fine? If the toddler is actually the right age to be a lap child, then no, they don’t “need their own seat.” Also, the person didn’t necessarily “spring for” the seat – sometimes a first class upgrade to costs like $100, whereas a whole other seat in coach would be 3-4x that much.

        1. Nearly unheard of to get a first class upgrade for $100 these days, unless it’s an incredibly short flight like Milwaukee to Chicago. Certainly there are plenty of people out there who can afford first class, but it’s not a cheap option and one seat first is almost never cheaper than two in coach.

    18. I am fine with it and was fine with it before I had kids. I have noise-cancelling headphones and use them. I flew with my toddler as a lap infant until he was 1, although had I realized how unsafe it actually is, I might not have done so (I didn’t find that out until he was already in his own seat). That being said, when he was a true baby I often nursed him for much of the duration of a flight so he would have been in my lap anyway.

        I will also say that pre-covid I was a pretty heavy business traveler – on average I flew every other week and a lot of those trips were coast to coast or international – and I actually have very few experiences where a child was truly disruptive or parents weren’t appropriately managing a kid’s behavior. I know this is something that people complain about a lot, but I truly never saw much of it. I saw far more bad adult behavior (dude who drank enough free business class wine to pass out on a 6 AM ATL to NYC flight, I’m looking at you).

        1. I used to be tremendously sensitive to noise (I think it was an anxiety thing) and noise-canceling headphones really helped me relax when I flew in my 20s and 30s. I didn’t realize how on edge I got with all of the bumps and whirs and whistles you hear getting on and off of planes.

    19. Babies are people too. I don’t know how you’re going to enforce anything here without huge levels of discrimination. Should we ban old people too?

12. Husband mentioned that I have been feeling distant, and it got me thinking that I do feel distant from him but also in general from other people in my life. Has anyone experienced this? I get wrapped up in my own stressors of the day/week/month and also put up a wall in general in relationships to where it is hard to have as meaningful connection with others as I would like. It is something I want to work on but have no idea how to even begin.

    1. I think I get that way sometimes. It’s usually nothing person-specific but the result of doing too much, being too busy, etc. Like, when I have a lot of work-related social engagements, work generally, and then all the kids stuff, the last thing I want to do at night is engage with another person b/c I need to just recharge. What I find helps is taking time to myself in a clearer way – so for instance instead of just staring at a book, phone or iPad when I get home and the kids are out to bed because I need a break, I’ll go take a bath & do that and then when I come out I actually feel better and can enjoy sitting there and talking to my partner instead of just waiting to have my “me time,” which definitely comes across despite all good intentions. Also, a hug or random little touch here and there goes a long way to fostering connection!

    2. Therapy.

    3. I’m the same way in that I withdraw when I get stressed. Generally, when I get to this point, where I have closed off in order to keep functioning and people are starting to point it out, something more serious is going on that I recognize. Something more than stress. Underneath that I may be angry, sad, distraught, weary, desperate, grieving, resigned, etc.

       1. Same here. If I’m withdrawn, it’s because I’m in survival mode, whether I immediately recognize it or not.

          1. +1

    4. I do this too, and it’s usually a sign that my mental health is not good. I’m a very social introvert, and when I’m not doing well emotionally or mentally, I lose my desire to socialize. I”m actually having a week like that now.

       What I do is give myself a few days to be like this and then a deadline when I have to start interacting again. I start by taking better care of myself and my environment (when I get like this I become a slob too) and then force myself to make plans with someone, even if I’m not really feeling it.

       I have a pretty busy and stressful life and I’m bad at proactively realizing I need a few days to just veg and then I get too anxious and end up like this. I take this as my body forcing me to chill out and rest. However, it’s too easy to get sucked into doing this for too long, which is why I set a deadline.

    5. I do this too and it’s one of the reasons I’ll be leaving BigLaw this year – the stress and how it affects relationships is too much. My husband’s description of it is that while I still can dig deep enough to give our little kids affection, I start treating him more like a roommate than a spouse. I think it is just a sign of being stretched too thin. It’s normal and ok if it is occasional but if it is constant, then I think it means there’s a lack of balance that needs to be addressed.

       1. Yep, I find I do this. I’ve got energy for my kid, but no one else.

    6. I started putting my phone on “Do not disturb” from 6 pm – 8:30 pm. It’s not a perfect solution, but it helps me be more present during dinner, both with my husband and my kids.

    7. So I make an active effort to let my husband in on the little things. We eat dinner together almost every night and go over our days, down to the little conversations – we know the quirks of our coworkers, office politics, what’s happening with our friends, etc. I think knowing the minutiae helps us stay connected so when big things happen, it’s automatically natural to talk about where we are emotionally.

       1. This happens with me, growing distant from people, and this recommendation about the little things is usually the fix! I tend to (happily!) live inside my head most of the time, which my neuroscientist husband thinks is due to an overactive default mode network (might be worth a google if that feels familiar to you too).

          I just don’t think to share the minutiae (It’s so boring, why would anyone want to know?) and I prefer to not think or talk about work at home, so when I feel myself growing distant I have to force myself to just start talking about the boring stuff. Like the NYT article I was reading that morning, or some annoying thing a coworker did. Or even just a project I’m working on. It usually ends up leading to good conversation and stronger relationships, it’s just not a natural thing for me so I have to make a conscious effort.

13. Travel ideas for spring break in April, traveling with kids (7 and 5) from NYC? We’re generally not sit on the beach people so resort vacations are probably out unless there is something else to do besides lounge around, would like to be somewhere warm but not too hot (so Florida in April seems like a bad candidate). We could go to California and visit family but we do that regularly enough; would love something a little different but still easy. Europe seems like it would still be cold or iffy with weather. Also not looking to spend too much on this trip as we are planning to take a bigger trip later this summer.

    1. Bumping up! We are in the exact same boat (only with 3 and 7).

    2. It’s spring break-ish, so places may be a zoo. I had good luck with Phoenix then (large resort hotel, some hikes and Desert Botanical Gardens) when I had to bring my kids to a work retreat. They loved the pool and lazy river and movies at night by the pool (and from the pool). Marriott Desert Ridge.

       1. Oh yes – I’ve been in Arizona for work events in March/April many times and it is warm and the pools are typically heated and have fun lazy rivers/splash pads (I was always jealous of people who stayed an extra day or so to relax at the pool!).

          1. This was what we did — added on a weekend and b/c I was there for work, used the Marriott kids’ club for morning and had a travel nanny from the hotel’s list for watching them at the pool / restaurants in the afternoon (kids were . . . 8 and 10, so old enough to be easy to watch but too young to be completely unsupervised).

       2. Thanks for the rec! My small city has direct flights to Phoenix, so this is quite appealing.

          1. really?
             I can’t imagine flying across the country only to be in…phoenix. Like, you can find nice hotels anywhere.

             1. I can’t really imagine it for an adults only trip, but there’s a lot to do there with kids. Also if you live somewhere cold but want a warm place that isn’t the beach, as OP does, it makes sense that it would be high on the list.

       3. Would love more details about what you did, especially hikes. We’re going to Phoenix/Scottsdale next weekend with a 5 year old. I know it probably won’t be warm enough to swim, but it will about 40 degrees warmer than home, so I’m excited.

       4. Phoenix is already really hot by April. Unless you want to spend most of your time in a pool (which sounds like it’s not what OP is looking for), I don’t think it would be very pleasant.

    3. The Caribbean is beautiful in late spring, light breezes and highs in the low 80’s and mild water, and NYC is spoiled with many direct flights… maybe choose an island with both beaches and more ‘activities’ like water sports, mountains, etc?

    4. I would personally go to Costa Rica. I think it’s a fabulous destination with kids.

    5. Costa Rica.

    6. What is your bigger summer trip like? I’d go for the opposite of that vibe on this trip. At those ages I’d think a ‘city’ trip would be really fun. If you haven’t been, what about Miami? There are so many good choices for hotels at various price points, flights from NYC are dirt cheap (and you can fly from Westchester if you prefer a smaller/easier airport). We had planned to do Miami in 2020 and cancelled due to the pandemic but our planned itinerary was to fly into Fort Lauderdale, do 2-3 nights at the Turnberry on points (there’s an attached water park and our New england kid thinks 70’s=swimming weather), Uber down to Miami and stay in a hotel on the beach and do ‘city’ things for another 2-3 nights – the zoo/acquarium, see a basketball game, go to the beach, etc.

    7. Charleston area if you want very easy (stay on Sullivan’s Island or Folly Beach, and you’ll still be close enough to downtown for other activities). Further afield, Costa Rica or Belize have a combination of beaches and activities. I also think London is fun with kids that age, and it is a relatively easy flight from NYC. Sure it might rain a bit, but that risk is always there with London, and it could be beautiful.

       1. I am the Arizona poster and we went to Charleston for spring break last year. During a freakish cold snap, but it was otherwise great. Stay downtown or in Folly Beach. If downtown, there was a breakfast spot called Toast that was a hit with everyone. Didn’t do any fine dining b/c kids, but they loved just walking around and one kid really wants to go to College of Charleston just to get to spend 4 years there.

          1. Also, while I love Charleston as an easy walking city where most restaurants are very good, I do not love it after May, so April would be an ideal time to visit.

       2. I second Charleston, except I’d recommend staying in the historic district and driving out to the beach one day. It’s a hassle to drive in the city and find parking, and I wouldn’t want to be doing that regularly. It also sounds like OP doesn’t want the trip to revolve around the beach so it makes sense to make that just a day trip.

    8. This is unorthodox but would be pretty cheap so hear me out: Atlanta, combined with the North Georgia mountains. Someone who actually lives there and has kids can chime in with what’s current, but from my adult perspective and drawing on childhood memories, I would think the Aquarium, the zoo, Coca Cola world, the puppetry thing, Fernbank museum would all be fun at that age (and I think there’s a Legoland now?). You could do that for a few days and then drive up somewhere in the mountains if you like outdoorsy things. Should be warm enough by April, which is basically late spring in Georgia.

       1. Howdy from Atlanta. It’s a cheaper and easier destination. Mountains are 1-2 hours away
          All the museums you mentioned are nice and fun for kids. Can’t speak to legoland and whether or not it exists.
          Weather here in April is usually really pleasant too.

       2. The Legoland in Atlanta is just a glorified store. It’s unlikely to interest kids that age except in the way any toy store would. The theme parks are in Florida, California and NY.

       3. If you come to Atlanta, please please add the MlK Historical National Park to your list of attractions to visit. Every city has an aquarium (though ours is better than most), but no one else has this. I think the Center for Civil and Human Rights is too much for little kids, otherwise I would add that, too.

       4. Also hello from Atlanta. I think it’s a super under-appreciated city to visit. I would base yourself in Midtown, which is the most walkable area of the city. Piedmont Park (gorgeous in spring) is in Midtown, as is the Botanical
          Garden (GREAT for kids), the Center for Puppetry Arts, and the Beltline. The aquarium is excellent, as is the zoo (aquarium is SUPER expensive, but worth it IMO). I think the MLK home is worth a visit but the King Center itself doesn’t have a ton to offer unless they’ve made a bunch of changes in the last 2-3 years. I think the Park Service still offers walking tours of the historic district that take you to the home, Ebenezer Baptist, and some other key sites.

          Ponce City Market (also in that general area) has a roof with a sort of mini carnival that might be fun at that age, and it’s on the Beltline so you can get an ice cream from King of Pops and have a family walk after.

          Kennesaw Mountain is about 40 minutes from midtown by car (heading north) and will let you get some nature in, plus a good overview of the Atlanta campaign and the Civil War history of the city and state; sometimes they have cannon firings and infantry drill demonstrations and such. It’s a National Historic Park. I think it’s helpful to hit both Civil War history and Civil Rights history so that kids have a better understanding of where segregation came from/the full historical background, but they are pretty young so it might not really fit together for them.

          If you want to hit the mountains combined with ATL, I’d look at the lodge at Amicalola Falls State Park. Close enough to ATL that you wouldn’t spend a ton of time in the car, and nice.

          1. This is a really good list.

    9. Parts of Europe are pretty warm then – Spain, Italy, Portugal etc. In fact these places are too hot for me in summer and I think late spring is the ideal time to go.

    10. It may or may not be warm in mid May, but I have very fond memories of a Potomac spring break trip around that age. We saw Mount Vernon and the ponies on Chincoteague!

        1. mid-April. My brain….

           1. Would you mind sharing details of the Chincoteague trip? That’s been on my bucket list since I was six and read Misty of Chincoteague.

              1. Gosh, I was a kid and don’t really remember much other than the ponies. I wish I could help more. It was really beautiful, and I’d go back as an adult, if that helps!

              2. The pony swim is July 26th and 27th this year. The dates for the spring and fall roundups will be announced soon.

              3. Oh sorry Curious I didn’t catch that you were a kiddo. I’m gonna make it happen! I want to see those ponies.

    11. Also in NYC and for April break we have done trips we loved to the Olympic Peninsula and Victoria, BC (not very warm though), and Sedona and the Grand Canyon (with nights in Phoenix on either end) with our son. Staying in Phoenix and doing shorter day trips would be easier. I personally found the city uninspiring, but it is warmer there than further north, there are tons of hotels, and it is near a lot of cool things. Or maybe stay in Tucson? I haven’t spent much time there but it sounds appealing.

        1. The drive between PHX and Tucson is amazing if you go through the ponderosa pine forest; you can go to the Mission of San Xavier del Bac, which is just so beautiful. If you are from the East Coast, the SW is just an amazingly different place, almost like another country.

    12. Our spring break trip is Seville and the Algarve region of Portugal. We’re coming from the Midwest so we have low standards for “warm” but the weather seems like it will be great. Google says the average high in Seville is 70 in March and 74 in April.

    13. I’d probably go to upstate NY and rent a cabin. I love woodsy areas in off season. No idea if this is even viable, but I follow an Instagram account called Zio and Sons and This Old Hudson, and they have a gorgeous rental somewhere upstate. I’d look in that direction with young kids. Crisp spring walks, easy restaurant reservations, getting out of the city all sound fun to me.

    14. DC sounds perfect for y’all. The weather will be nice. You could take the train down, which is a fun experience in and of itself, and then you don’t have to worry about flights or parking a car all week. You can go to the Smithsonian museums for free, which I think is great for kids that age because if (when) they get bored after 2 hours, you haven’t spent $20pp to get in and can be flexible about when you leave. You can also take them to the Library of Congress which has a children’s reading room, the national mall and memorials where they can run around and get ice cream, the zoo (also free, see above). If you come after opening day, you could take them to a Nats game. There are also numerous cute urban playgrounds, which I’m always on the lookout for in new cities. And use the Metro to get around = no drama re car seats in Ubers!

        1. As an add on to the DC suggestion, for very little $, take the MARC commuter train to Baltimore (Camden yards station), and walk to the Science Center and the National Aquarium.

    15. Norfolk, VA! The zoo is awesome, the botanical gardens amazing and they have a boat tour. The Chrysler Museum has glass blowing classes. Not too far from Colonial Williamsburg and Yorktown.

    16. Spain would be nice in April.

14. I’m looking to switch to powder or some other more-sustainable laundry detergent not sold in plastic. But I have sensitive skin and need something as fragrance and stuff-free as possible. Could anyone recommend a type or brand? Based in Europe

    1. I’ve been using an Eco Egg for a few years and I love it. There’s a fragrance-free option. I’m in the US but it looks like it’s available in Europe.

       1. I’m intrigued by this. Granted, I also enjoy using dryer balls for the same reason. More economical and no fragrances. Do you just wait for the pellets to look like they are gone before refilling?

          1. Yeah, exactly. The pellets are supposed to be good for about 70 washes, but I don’t keep track — you can see them through the egg so I just keep an eye on them and change when they start to look small. I haven’t noticed any problems getting my clothes clean with this method.

    2. Ah is Smol available for you? It’s pods, and comes in cardboard packaging. I’m super sensitive and it works for me. I’ve also used soap nuts, a tiny bit faffy but fine.

    3. Dropps (not sure if they deliver to Europe though). They deliver in small cardboard boxes. Also make dishwasher pods.

    4. I use liquid detergents 80% of the time, but these are some options from brands I use:
       Ecover washing powder
       Yellow&Blue washing powder (they also have an amazing stain remover Puer, which I use for laundry and also to clean my white kitchen sink).
       You can also look into soap nuts: just toss a few in a textile bag, throw in with your laundry and that’s it. Let them dry after each use.

    5. My mum uses Earth Breeze detergent sheets which come in a cardboard box. Lots of sensitive skin in her household (U.K. so should be available in Europe too???)

    6. TruEarth laundry detergent strips have been great for my sensitive skin husband. Soap strips in cardboard packaging – doesn’t get more sustainable:

       https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B07SPVZLVQ/ref=sns_myd_detail_page

    7. Neutral (Seedish Unilever) and Anglamark (Swedish coop brand) are both great and available i several countries.

15. Can someone explain LoveShackFancy to me? It seems like teen wear, but not teen prices.

    1. Gen Zers who have jobs that pay $$$ right out of college, and also came from money so don’t have loans and are likely still getting financial support from their parents.

    2. They have two main demographics (imo) – teen/20 somethings with money or who are influencers (think southern rush Tok) or the late 20s/early 30s country club crowd that ‘needs’ cute outfits for brunch/cocktail hours/dinners out but isn’t interested in the more preppy Lilly/VIneyard Vines/Hill House Home vibe. It’s all a bit too ruffle puff for my taste but they have a very devoted fan base it seems.

       1. I am amazed at Rush tok. I was greek at a southern state college, but it was back in the days where dues were maybe $125 a semester and if you got spendy, you bought glassware for the formals. Our “house” was a college housing floor, so it was no more expensive than any other dorm room (and certainly no fancier). It really taught me how to organize and get work out of volunteers that you can’t fire, which is a handy life skill as an adult. Rush tok is so intriguing (and scary — I loved my sorority and am still close to many in it and it seems so expensive and overall extra now). Can we bring back the cheap beer in kegs and furtive smoking on the porch (maybe not the smoking, but more of a “greek for all” vibe)?

    3. Trendy cottagecore outfits

       1. But people in cottages don’t / didn’t dress like that. I think of cottagecore as Laura-Ashley but more woody? But maybe that’s why I am a Before Picture and not an influencer.

          1. Maybe think of it as s3xy cottagecore? It’s not meant to be historically accurate. I don’t make the rules. :)

          2. I rather think the entire concept of -core is not to be strictly accurate, but to capture a Vibe.

    4. What is hard? It’s pretty clothes. Some people like them.

    5. I had never heard of this brand before and on their webs*te and they have a $148 scrunchie… my mind is blown.

       1. Mine, too. Good grief it’s things like this that make me glad to be Very Very Old.

          1. Very.

    6. This look must be what all of the middle schoolers in my city are copying. I hate to sound like a buzz kill, but how do you get in your Jeep / Mall Crawler in skirts that short? You also can’t get into my beater Honda Civic in things like that without flashing someone (maybe that is the point)?

       1. I’m taken back to 2006 when Britney was making headlines for flashing everyone as she got out of her car in her miniskirt. By the third or fourth time we assumed it was intentional… and here I am still talking about it two decades later!

16. At what salary level did you (or think you will) feel that you were able to max out your tax advantaged retirement accounts? Obviously this is going to vary hugely with your overall expenses but just curious what that point was for you. If you share finances with a partner, was this based on individual salaries or combined salary (i.e. was one partner maxing out at a 50k salary because the other partner made 200k and it all went into one pot)?

    1. Swear I’m not trying to humble brag, but DH and I have combined finances, always have, and started doing this about 10 years into our careers. It’s the whole “pay yourself first” concept, and we prioritized it over other things. I don’t know that an exact number is going to be helpful because COL and individual expenses vary so much, but we are both in higher ed. We’re paid decently, but not making Big Law money by any means.

       1. I’m pretty sure I started doing this on about 66K a year while paying for grad school out of pocket (1K/ month). Post tax was about 4K, 1K to school, 1.5K to 401(k), $1.5K left. I was living large after transitioning from $30K/year pre tax at a non profit, though, so it wasn’t as hard. Also, things were cheaper then ($450 for rent, $50 for weekly groceries, yes my shared apartment was kinda crappy but it wasn’t a huge sacrifice), and I don’t think that is really very possible anymore. Plus I didn’t have weddings to attend those two years and lived near my parents, so no flights. I don’t think I funded my Roth those years, perhaps on tax credits from school?

          1. *oh, and add mandatory caveat for the privilege of not having undergrad debt. huge.

    2. I started maxing out when I was making 85/90k a year. I convinced my husband to start maxing out his 401k last year. Right now our HHI is about $235k, with the max $45k earmarked for our 401ks in 2023. My motivation is that we may have kids soon, and daycare is $$$$$. We may not be able to afford maxing out in the future. The best time to max out is when you’re young so that it has more time to grow and compound. If we have to dial it back during the daycare years, I’ll feel more confident knowing that we invested heavily at a younger age to get a good nest egg going.

       1. +1. I used to max out. Then I had a kid, and daycare was $$$. Turns out that kid has special needs, and all of that is $$$. We have been spending 25-30% of our take-home pay on healthcare for the past 4-5 years, and my parents have been paying for private school for kids with exceptionalities (our public schools do not have enough resources). I am about to double my salary AND have better benefits ($7000 family out of pocket max!!), and I’m looking forward to being able to save again.

    3. This depends on more than just your salaries. DH and I are both university employees with the option to max both a 403b and 457, so our max is double the max of most people. It would be 90k this year and our HHI is ~$150k so we don’t max them. We were getting pretty close but then we had a kid and needed to start paying for daycare and saving for college. But we do contribute more than $22,500 each so we’re saving more than most people are able to. I think if our HHI was $200k+ we would max out all four accounts.

       1. This is really similar to us. One partner has the double option and the other has just one. Out HHI is just over 200k this past year and we max out all 3 accounts, plus both of our ROTHs. I try to not look at my paystubs because it’s hard to not think about all the fun things I could do with that extra take home pay!

          One of us started saving for retirement really late, and we both had much lower salaries until the last two years so we are catching up now. We will also likely need to pull back once we have kids and daycare costs. Our take home is only (“only”) about $6k, and between rent, bills, student loans, car payment and insurance, it really doesn’t feel like we have a lot of fun money left.

    4. I started with my first post law school job when I was making 75k

    5. So, I am single, and in my 40s now, and its wasn’t until I broke 140k total comp in my late 30s that I was able to max out my 401k. I had very large student loans and credit card debt from a ridiculous streak of bad luck (and lets be honest, bad choices) in my twenties while I lived in higher COL areas. I have forgiven myself for it, and accepted that means I will never have the levels that people on this board have in savings, and moved forward and have been consistently maxing out since I was able to. Am just this year (as I am closer to 200k total comp) started to more heavily and consistently save in other ways.

    6. HHI went from ~$120k to $190k in one year thanks to my new job and DH and I both started maxing out 401k and IRAs. Prior to that we would max out IRA and probably saved 25k/year combined in our 401ks.

    7. I started axing out my 401k when in biglaw, and continued when I switched to government. Between maxing out my retirement account, mandatory pension contributions, heath insurance, and other pre-tax deductions, almost half my pay goes away before my paycheck. I’m single and live in DC (so HCOL but not SF high). Would I love to have that extra $20k? Yes, there is so much I could do with it given that I live alone. But it’s more important to me to know that I will have money in retirement.

    8. 70k, spouse made 60k. We max out 403b, Roth IRA, and make mandatory contributions to a 401a (state university). MCOL at the time.

    9. VHCOL and I maxed out at $105K. I’ve always had roommates and prioritized saving.

    10. I started maxing out about 3-4 years ago when I realized that I was accumulating more cash than was prudent. I make ~$82k and thought maxing out would help me spend down some accumulated cash. It didn’t. I just started living within those means (I am naturally frugal). My husband doesn’t max out his retirement. We have separate accounts and each contribute monthly to a joint account for household/family/kid expenses. HHI ~$180k. I wish I had started sooner!

    11. Maxed our 401(k) and Roth IRA for the first time in 2022 making $125K in a Med-HCOL city, single, live alone.
        Was in graduate school before that, so no retirement contributions then beyond a few $100 contributions when I felt optimistic.
        Made $55K and $75K in my jobs pre-grad school. In both, I maxed my Roth IRA and contributed enough for the employer match but didn’t max my 401(k). I was living in HCOL city at the time and saving for grad school, so I probably would’ve maxed or gotten close at $75K had my location and financial priorities been different back then based on how I live now.

        1. I want to add: my salary jumped significantly due to grad school, and I’m glad it went this way because I could see myself falling into the trap of lifestyle inflation if I had gradually increased each year. Now, I feel like I’m swimming in money after 3 years of living like a student and making so much less before that, so it feels like a no brainer to save first. I also am not loving this job, so I am motivated to save more right now in case I take a salary hit later on for a more fulfilling lower paying job or my chronic condition forces me to slow down.

    12. I think I was maybe 5-6 years into the workforce, maybe 70K salary. My dad is all-in on the financial FIRE movement and passed on a lot of tips – he advised me that any time I got a raise, to immediately divert half of it to retirement savings. So on a 3% raise I bumped up my retirement savings by 1.5%. I still noticed a small raise in my paychecks, but it was a good way to keep lifestyle creep in check along the way. I’m now about 20 years into my career and have amassed 7 figures in retirement savings while working a very rewarding federal job — pretty much the embodiment of the millionaire next door. No one would guess because I am very frugal.

    13. I maxed out my 401k and roth IRA making 90k a year living in the DC area (roommates, worked a ton and didn’t spend a lot outside of work) but could no longer do so when I moved to SF (roommates, but worked less and had a lot more fun). when I moved to 100k in Portland I could easily max out both 401k and Roth IRA bc COL dropped

    14. I’m going to counter the very skewed sample you are getting here. HHI of $185k and we still don’t max out our tax advantaged accounts. I do contribute about $25k/year to my 401(k) and HSA altogether but DH doesn’t save for retirement right now while in he is a full time grad student. Part of the reason could be because I am young compared to other posters here, in my early 30s, and so our recent purchase of our first home in early 2020 is a high amount of our take home pay. Half of our combined take home pay goes to the mortgage company even with a lovely low 3% interest rate.

        1. Not a criticism of your savings, which sound great, but I don’t think early 30s is much younger than average for this board. I’m mid-30s and feel old. Maybe because I’ve been reading since the beginning? It seems like there are quite a few people in their 20s!

           1. +1. 34 and I feel like I’m the middle 30% of the age pack here. Lots of us Millennials. I maxed for the first time around 24 or 25. Again, no student loans (and no mortgage or baby) helped a lot.

        2. Echo the comment above, I don’t think mid-30s is much younger than average! I commented above that I’ve been maxing out since making 85/90k, and that was when I was around 28. I’m 30 now.

17. Thanks for your comments yesterday, all.
    Keeping my shift together for the day and then I’ll think about the future.

18. Next week is my 1 year anniversary at my current job. It was a rough start and I keep hoping it will get better, but it still hasn’t.

    I don’t fit well with company culture or department culture, which is challenging. I feel like both the team and company culture were misrepresented during the interview process.

    My boss is very kind and she’s an expert at our substantive work, but she’s terrible at everything else (managing, on-boarding/training, communication). I was very clear during my interview process that I have good experience in related work but have literally no experience in this subfield. They still hired me, and then I’ve been totally self-taught since then. It’s been really, really challenging. I don’t even know what trainings or professional development work I could be doing during down time, that’s how little I feel like I know!

    I have almost no work. Like about 1 hour a day, on most days. We’re in the office Monday-Thursday. I have such imposter syndrome and anxiety about being “found out” that I don’t really know what I”m doing or that I”m not even doing that much, it’s made my pre-existing anxiety worse. I left my old job because it was frequent 60-80 hour weeks, but this job has swung too far in the other direction and I don’t have anything to do. I also see my office mates being pretty busy so it makes me feel even worse. I know layoffs are expected, and so I”m terrified that I’ll be let go because there isn’t enough work for me.

    I want to be doing work and to do good work (in 40 hours a week, I’m really not trying to go back to long hours!) but I’ve gotten so complacent. I feel like I’ve lost a lot of my internal drive to learn more, take on projects, or work towards a promotion. In November, I identified a project I could work on, got enthusiastic support from my boss, and then just haven’t done anything towards it.

    I (somehow?) have absolutely glowing reviews from my boss and from those above him. My 3x boss (who is a micromanager and thus actually pretty involved in our day to day) has pulled me aside multiple times to express that he really doesn’t want to lose me and that I’m doing great work. He also has said that he thinks I”m bored and he keeps promising projects and work that keep not materializing.

    There’s been a few things I have dropped balls on and I have extreme guilt and anxiety over those. It’s only happened a few times and they ended up being minor (I turned something in late, but the team’s priorities shifted and that report actually was canceled, for example). I am in the process of “trying out” new therapists to work on my guilt, anxiety, and perfectionism but it’s a process.

    I know I need to be more proactive, but am struggling on how to do so (and can’t get past the guilt on the things I have dropped). I am also passively job searching, but don’t really want to leave so soon. When I took this job, I had a “plan” to stay for 3 years, and if possible I’d like to see that through.

    1. It sounds like you might be working in a bubble. I find it hard to be accountable when I feel like no one cares about the quality of my work, just that a box was checked of. This project you had identified and had enthusiasm to do, is there someone else you can get involved to help weigh in on it and brainstorm? Maybe you just need more interaction. Especially if you’re in an office environment but not really working with anyone.

       1. That’s a really good point. Most days, I don’t have a single meeting or call and it’s hard to structure my time when it’s just “come in and sit at a desk for 8 hours writing reports” and nothing else. I have a half hour check in with my boss every Wednesday and some weeks that is my ONLY meeting/call. I have a few recurring tasks (about 4-5 hours of work a week) but can also easily go weeks without getting an assignment.

    2. If you don’t like your job, I would start aggressively looking for a new one. there’s no reason to stay at a job for an arbitrary amount of time, especially if you don’t have other short jobs. This is especially true if you think layoffs are coming out the company, you don’t have much work, and don’t think you’re doing a good job (although the last one sounds like it may not be true.)

       1. I guess it’s more accurate to say that I”m doing a really good job with the work I have, but in my mind someone who only works an hour a day can’t be that good at their job?

          A fear I have with the recession coming is that if I change jobs, then there might also be layoffs there and I’d be the low man on the totem pole and potentially more likely to be laid off?

          I was hoping to stay for 3 years due to the bonus and stock structure; if I leave before 3 years I leave about 20k on the table and am not yet vested in my 401k or stock options. I make 75k, so 20k is a big chunk to me!

          1. If you want to gain new skills but your boss isn’t helping you identify the opportunities, can you reach out to people in other groups and bump up your internal networking? Look at some job postings elsewhere in the organization and talk to the hiring manager about how to position yourself for them in a few years? Talk to your 3x boss broadly about “career development” in a way that shows assertiveness and ambition without trashing your boss? Sometimes it’s just putting your name out there, so that when a training session comes available you are in their mind.

    3. What you need is a new job!! Your job should not be making you this miserable. Prioritize looking.

       1. Thank you for the push. I was hesitant to do so for financial and job security reasons reasons (see above) and that a friend helped me get my foot in the door at this company, so didn’t want to screw her over by leaving so soon. Obviously, the job search will likely take several months so I’ll likely be closer to 18 months by the time I actually leave.

    4. this is a tough spot to be in. If you have reasons to stay, or want to stay, would you be less miserable if you tried to structure your day in some artificial way? 1/4 networking, 1/4 learning portable or job-related skills, etc? Is there a related professional association that you could get involved in?

       The small mistakes I would forget. Everyone does that and if they don’t repeat and you show you have fixed or addressed the issue, then no one will remember.

       You could always try to structure your days, gain skills, network internally for more work, and simultaneously keep your eye on the job market/resume updated/applying to “perfect” possible positions only.

       Best of luck to you. You’ve got this!!!

19. A few weeks ago, someone posted a really nice weekender-type bag available from Target that had an inside water bottle pocket. I went to look it up on the website immediately but forgot to add it to my favorites or anything and now it’s lost to the void. Was it you? Do you remember the brand name or anything? Bueller?

20. A few weeks ago, someone posted a really nice weekender-type bag available from Target that had an inside water bottle pocket. I went to look it up on the webs!te immediately but forgot to add it to my favorites or anything and now it’s lost to the void. Is that poster around? Do you remember the brand name or anything? Bueller?

    (Double post for mod, sorry!)

21. Inspired by some of today’s earlier posts…what would you say is different in how you would treat a spouse vs a roommate? My husband and I still garden 1-2 nights a week, and generally have a great relationship! But sometimes I worry about the “romance” being gone…we haven’t had kids yet but we’re planning to start trying this year, and I know kids will make it all the more challenging. Any advice?

    1. My mom’s number one piece of marriage advice is that you can never stop dating your spouse. I remember being like 10 and my cousin was talking to her about some of her marriage issues and my mom asked the last time she and her husband went on a date and it was before they had kids (they had a 4 year old and 1 year old at the time). My mom explained that it’s not going to solve their marriage problems, but it’s an important step.

       1. Cosign. For NYE, our plans fell through and spouse and I just had beer at home and listened to our favorite classic rock songs and built a fire. Doing even nothing together is sometimes the best thing.

       2. Absolutely co-sign this. Date your spouse, never stop spending time together and I’d include vacation together just the two of you as well. Sure that gets harder with kids, but if you prioritize it, you can make it happen.

    2. I made the roommate comment in the earlier thread. For us, it means less physical intimacy, that a lot of our interactions are logistical (we need to do X, can you remember Y, will you watch the kids while I do Z), and that we are recharging separately. We are both a bit introverted, and what that means is that after the kids go to bed, we sometimes do our own thing (games for him, reading for me) instead of having true togetherness. That is absolutely fine … but it impacts our romantic relationship when it’s what we do almost every night.

    3. We are trying to get our romance back after a very rough year, but even without it we cuddle and connect more than roommates (concerted effort to do a rose and thorn ritual while touching every day). We have arranged with couple friends to switch off watching each other’s kids after bedtime so we can have a 2 hour date that doesn’t cost $150 in babysitting once a month.

    4. Commitment to gardening 2x/week helps. We’ve ramped up our dates in the past year and often just hire a sitter to take a walk and get coffee together. I wish we had done this sooner after having kids. The best thing we can do for our relationship is laugh together.

    5. In addition to the physical (and we are on year 5 and still garden at least 4x/week, but I’m also childfree so ymmv) to me a HUGe thing is not letting “logistics” be the focal point of every conversation. it is so easy to talk first about planning, admin, house, scheduling, etc and pretend that that is a conversation. It’s not, not really in a meaningful way – so we make sure to keep engaging in the deeper and more meaningful discussions.

       Similar to the “date your spouse” advice I guess but felt improtant to call out specifically.

22. I don’t care if kids are in any class on the plane, but I do not approve of people NOT buying a seat for the child and keeping them on their lap. I don’t think the airlines should even allow that.

    1. Nesting fail

    2. Why?

    3. Air travel is not even remotely as dangerous as car travel. Even the safety conscious European countries like Sweden that require rear facing car seats to age 4 do not require this. Plus it would add to the misbehaviour/screaming. Plenty of kids hate being in car seats, especially for hours on end.

    4. I hear you. But honestly, I am more frustrated that SCHOOL BUSES don’t have seatbelts.

23. If you have a job that isn’t a “desk job” what do you do? My sister is a freshman in college and doesn’t want a “desk job” but isn’t sure what careers to look into or what to study. She’s okay with a job that is a mix of desk work and non-desk work. She’s intrigued by social work/psychology or higher ed student affairs, but is curious as to other options. I’m an emergency manager, my other sister is a nurse, and our mom is a teacher, so she has good exposure to some options but is looking to see what else she could do.

    1. What about construction management? She could split her time between the office/field and get to wear a hard hat and safety toe boots. Could be the best of both worlds for her.

       1. +1 I do something in this field – Project Manager for a specialty contractor. There are lots of opportunities and lots of different kinds of contractors. To start, she would look at Project Coordinator positions that support Project Managers, and eventually move to a Project Manager position. I really like the novelty of new projects, and as I gain experience I get to manage bigger and more complex projects. I have a pretty even split between office and site visits, although over the last few years many site meetings have transitioned to Teams meetings.

          Adjacent to project management would be quoting and bidding. Some Project Mangers do both (so we can be the ones to blame and fix the mess when we mess up our bid – ha ha). These are “sales” type positions but so far removed from your traditional idea of what sales people look like.

          Frankly, you can get into the above with a general degree and interest. Business with an emphasis on project management is a fine fit, but if she wants to study psychology in college, she could do that and then still go into these type of careers. You need to be able to manage a lot of paperwork effectively and learn new things all the time – most degrees will prepare you for that and demonstrate your ability to do so. You need to be very organized, comfortable with spreadsheets, and able to read and comprehend complicated documents. For example, learning to read/scan academic studies for research in college prepared me to be able to read/scan 2000 page bid documents for the pertinent information I need to do my job. It’s not A-Z, but skill building.

       2. Plus one for construction-related work! I have been doing a renovation and so impressed by the folks working on the house – from the general contractor to the foreman to the project manager.

    2. Higher ed student affairs is a desk job.

       1. This was not my experience. I spent nearly a decade in higher ed studnet affairs, and I loved that it didn’t really feel like a desk job. While I was at my desk a lot, I also spent a ton of time all over campus. It really depends on the role.

    3. Wildlife biologist or agricultural research scientist are both good if she is outdoorsy and likes science.

       1. Archaeology/paleontology came to mind, but jobs can be tough to find and pretty low-paying.

       2. I know someone at the USDA whose job it is to study ways to keep geese and other animals away from airport runways.

    4. She should check out the college career center. It’s their job to help with these things and the earlier students utilize their services the better. Note: I’m in higher ed.

    5. Does she want to be physically moving around all day or does she just want hands-on tasks? If it’s the latter then I know many happy dental hygienists. They get to talk to people all day long, aren’t staring at a computer, and have predictable hours. It’s also easy to switch between full time and part time throughout your career.

       1. Just having something hands on and/or people facing! She’d prefer a job that requires at least a Bachelor’s though.

          1. Well if dental hygienist isn’t good enough for her then she can go on and become a dentist

       2. Yes– a family member was happy as a dental hygienist and now manages the hygienists for several offices of a regional dental chain. She travels to those other offices a few days per week and WFH the other day or two. It’s a great career.

    6. I think most people who are able to peruse this board have desk jobs :).

       I am a lawyer and spend the vast majority of my time at a desk, but I have family members and clients who are mechanical engineers who split their time between desks and physically designing/testing models of things. I also have a family member who is a technician who works on high tech equipment like large laboratory microscopes. He is never at a desk, but he has to travel 4 days a week. In the non-academic world, my sister is a massage therapist and has in the past been a personal trainer. I also have a cousin who is an architect and splits his time at a desk/drafting set up and doing site visits, etc. Sales is another field where you spend a good amount of time away from your desk, depending on the specifics of the job. Often sales positions involve traveling to client sites giving sales presentations, etc. for a large portion of your job.

       One of my best friends worked in social work. It is very stressful for very little pay. It’s a tough route. She is now a school counselor and really enjoys it, but again, little pay.

    7. My son (24) also wanted nothing to do with a desk job when he graduated. He has been working for the past 18 months for a non-profit that helps homeless and housing insecure. He had no social work background and learned on the job. HIs responsibilities range from office hours (when clients can come in to talk/vent or work with him on their needs) to taking clients to get new ID cards, sign up for government benefits, and view potential apartments. All of his interactions have to be logged, so there is still some desk work involved, but it is also mixed with driving around and helping people. Another bonus for him is that it is perfectly acceptable to wear sweats, a t-shirt and a baseball cap to work.

    8. Would she have any interest in occupational or physical therapy? I have a friend who is a PT and loves it! There’s still paperwork and reports, but most of the day she’s working with patients. It’s also intellectually stimulating to develop the care plan for each patient.

       1. My high-achieving (for lack of a better term) high school classmates who didn’t want desk jobs became PTs and they love it and they’re good at it. It’s also a very portable job that is always going to be in demand.

          1. My daughter wants to be an OT! She’s 5 so highly likely this will change :), but I think it would be a great career.

    9. Sticking with things I would consider white collar, which was implied but not stated in your question:
       Some types of architecture (lots of site visits)
       Lots of things in the industrial trades generally – mechanical engineers, structural engineers, etc (role dependent)
       Various types of sales repping (pharma, etc.)
       Pilots

    10. Commerical real estate, especially on the ownership or brokerage side. I have a “desk job” but I’m out touring buildings and development sites nearly daily. It’s also very relevant to just, well, life, which makes it super interesting to me even when I’m at my desk.

    11. I have a friend who went from volunteer EMT in college to fire fighter to emergency management, which seems like a very cool job from knowing him all these years.

    12. I (lawyer) don’t want a desk job, either, but it’s a little late for that. I second the recommendation to check out OT or PT. My daughter is in OT school, and it suits her perfectly. It is 3 years post-grad work, though, which can seem like forever for a freshman. Her undergrad major was psych, but she’s been planning on OT school since freshman year. Psych was just something to cover her prereqs.

    13. I day dream about chucking my career to become an airline pilot. Probably won’t do it because I have little kids now and by the time they’re grown I’ll be too old, but if I could go back in time 20 years I would do it. It pays really well, there’s a shortage of pilots so no trouble getting hired and you get to see the world.

    14. My first job out of college was as a program instructor at a civics org in DC – definitely not a desk job and such an awesome jumping off point for everything from political jobs, teaching, other nonprofits, and more:
        https://www.closeup.org/civic-program-instructors/

        Maybe something like that would interest her?

    15. Criminal investigation or mitigation involves a lot of field work and knowldge of sociology and psychology. Frankly, I would rather work with an investigator or mitigation specialist with a degree that is not criminal justice.

    16. Lots higher ed student affairs roles would be a good fit if she truly means “something hands on and/or people facing” rather than be constantly moving.

    17. – event or meeting planner? (associations, corporations, nonprofits, or in house at a hotel or event space? def some desk work but tons of running around too!)
        – museum work – tour guide type stuff? exhibitions? not my area of expertise but maybe something there?
        – local government agencies which require lots of community interaction and events?

        this is a fun question, i will keep thinking!

24. How do you all keep up with beauty trends, like new products that make your life and routine easier (besides reading this blog obviously)?

    1. Tik tok.

    2. YouTuber EmilyNoel83. Former news anchor (so she has a great speaking voice and her videos are professional) whose videos 12 years ago about how she does her on-air hair and makeup turned into her career once she had kids. She’s big into evaluating what new products are actually worth the hype.

       1. +1 to Emily Noel. Also on YouTube, Abbey Yung, Taylor Margaret, Risa Does Makeup. I also read makeupandbeautyblog dot com.

25. Is 9 hours a crazy drive for one day? My friend is having a baby shower 4-4.5 hours away and while I want to show up for her I really don’t want to deal with the logistics of staying in a hotel/finding places to eat, etc. I just want to be back home in my bed. I have driven 6 hours in a day before and been fine but I’m just not sure if I’m setting myself up to be miserable.

    1. I don’t think it’s crazy. It’s a lot, but doable. We did a 12 hour drive in one day (that actually took more like 14 hours with traffic) during the pre-vaccine stage of the pandemic when we didn’t want to stay overnight in a hotel and it was surprisingly not awful.

    2. That would make me miserable. I love a hotel, too – clean sheets, someone else worries about making the bed, room service. I’d see it as an opportunity for a little vacation. Also, if you stay the night you might get some extra time with your friend – dinner or brunch.

    3. It would be way too much driving for me, but YMMV. I would absolutely stay overnight if I wanted to go to the shower.

    4. I did 3.5/4 hours each way to drive to a bridal shower this summer. It wasn’t my favorite way to spend the day, but was very doable for me.

       That being said, I also love a hotel and mini vacation and would choose to do that if it’s reasonable for you. Especially if there’s a pool or hot tub. I have stayed in a few not great hotels (La Quinta, Hampton Inn, Holiday Inn Express) with indoor pools and it’s been a treat.

    5. Or start back after the shower and drive as far as you feel able. If the driving is highways, the next exit will have a completely serviceable hotel and restaurant. Eat there, check in, sleep, and drive the rest of the way in the morning when you are fresher.

    6. You’ll be miserable. During the shower you’ll just be thinking about the long drive ahead of you. Find a restaurant beforehand and treat yourself to a nice dinner. I’d also pick a good brunch spot and indulge in some waffles before heading back in the morning. Clearly I’m food motivated.

    7. I drove more than 900 miles in a day once. I definitely couldn’t do that now, but it was fine at the time. I think this just depends a lot on your driving stamina, the weather, the traffic and other conditions where you’re driving. Do you do long drives regularly? Do you enjoy them? Do you know this area well so it’s easy to change your mind at the last minute if you don’t feel up to the drive back? Are there good places to stop along the way if you need a break? If you’re comfortable with all of that, then go for it. If you almost never drive, the weather will be bad, the roads deserted or really crowded, and there’s nowhere to stop if you decide you’re falling asleep halfway home, then don’t do it.

    8. I routinely drive 7 hours in a day to visit an ailing grandparent. It’s tiring, but it’s not terrible. I make sure to have podcasts or a book on tape to keep be entertained. It’s just not worth staying overnight to me. I’m much happier waking up in my own bed and not having to get on the road. Doing it all in one day means I only lose one day of my weekend.

    9. My 19 yo son just drove 13 hours home from college. Got home at midnight because he had to wait on another student who needed a ride to our area but had a final that morning, but he was fine and is about to do the same drive in reverse. I am sure it wasn’t the most pleasant way to spend a day, but he’s 19-if he can do it, you can do it. I have drive 10 hours/day on several occasions. That said, I love hotels and would love the excuse to stay in one by myself.

       1. I used to drive 9 hours and 12 hours routinely when I was 19-25. I’m almost 40, and it’s much harder on me now.

    10. I personally don’t have the driving stamina to pull that off. I can do a 9-hour road trip with my spouse or a friend, but I would be miserable trying to do that drive alone.

    11. I can do a 9 hour drive, but not during the same day as a baby shower. I would just be worried about the drive all during the party, and the two events together would be too much for me. Also, what time does the party end? If it’s like 4 or 5pm, you are not going to have to stop for dinner and it will be at least a 5 hour trip home. Are you going to be comfortable driving in the dark when tried?

    12. I’ve driven that far in one go many times. It’s doable, but for me it’s very weather and daylight dependent. I did a solo ring road trip in Iceland and I drove a total of 9 hours one day but I had 24 hours of daylight. I got up early, drove a few hours, saw some waterfalls, drove a few hours, went hiking, drive some more, etc. It was a long day but I would do it again. I would not be energetic about doing that in the dark or in bad weather, though.

    13. I would never ever do this. I echo suggestions of just getting a hotel, but also, have you tried Amtrak?

    14. That’s way too much for one day. I would put the extra gas money towards a $100+ gift card. Babies are expensive.

    15. Drive there and see how you feel about driving back. Worst case you drive halfway home and stay at a roadside hotel along the way. Hampton inn or holiday inn are good choices for this.

        1. Great point, it would be smart to be prepared with an overnight bag just in case.

    16. I’d rather visit her after the baby is born. I’d love to meet the baby and spend a day maybe helping her out, let her have a nice long shower, etc. I’m sure this is a know your friend type thing though. Also, large gatherings like this mean you won’t get quality time with your friend.

    17. Not at all crazy, but if I were doing it, I’d scope out spots to pull off and catch a nap if needed.

    18. I think it’s fine. If it were me, esp on the drive home after the shower, I’d make a point of stopping at least every hour, and not thinking of it as a 4 hour drive but rather as a 7-8 hour road trip with stops on the way back. Find a cute park and take a short hike, find a coffee shop and take a break, etc. Otherwise you’ll just be miserable watching the clock crawl as you’re tired and just ready to be home.

    19. I drive a LOT and would be okay doing this. It mostly depends on how you feel about 9 hours in the car. If it’s NBD, go ahead and have fun – just pack an overnight bag in case you need to stay somewhere on the drive back.

    20. The shocked responses are a little funny to me. Wondering if this is due to geographic issues/differences. I personally don’t trust myself to drive that far in one day but my parents did it all the time when we wanted to visit family while I was growing up. Many, many families we knew also did long drives to see relatives and I have friends who still do long drives to this day. You just have to know your own body. I couldn’t do it, my husband couldn’t do it, but many people drive long distances all the time.

        1. I somehow missed that you wanted to attend a shower between both legs of the trip! That does sound extremely draining, although I do know some people who could pull that off with enough energy to spare. I would consider asking your friend if you could sleep in her guest room (or on her couch if she doesn’t have one) and leave early the next morning!

    21. I have done this for work meetings a few times. It is hard but doable. I would only do it for a party if you aren’t planning to drink at all.

26. Is everyone dreaming of vacations this week? We didn’t travel over the holidays and I am staring out at Pantone Grey Skies…. our anniversary is coming up in early May and we are looking for a beachy US location. Initially thinking of Hilton Head (but not golfers! Does it matter?) but open to other options. I just saw recommendations for Folly Beach. Any wow places you can recommend to relax and reconnect?

    1. The SC islands don’t strike me as ‘romantic anniversary trip’ places bc so many families go there. I will give a nod to the Sanctuary at Kiawah for being lovely, but I’ve only been as part of family trips during summer, and it’s definitely overrun by children of all ages at that time.

       Palm Beach?
       San Juan?
       USVI?

       1. Ha – that’s fair! I haven’t been to that area of the Atlantic coast before, but maybe we’ll save it for a family trip sometime. I’ll check out some resorts at those other suggestions.

       2. I was also going to say Puerto Rico or the USVI. I deeply love the Lowcountry of SC/GA and think there’s nothing prettier than the spanish moss in the old oaks, but if you’re picturing romantic quiet hotels and crystal clear blue water, it’s not that. For the pretty beaches/water, Vieques is great, but does require a certain sense of adventure and does not have large resorts if that’s what you want. St. John would probably be a good option.

    2. I was in Clearwater Beach last may and loved it. Perfect beach weather, the ocean was warm, where we stayed was nice and quiet but we went into St. Pete for dinner one night which was fun and had lots of options.

    3. USVIs (St John or St Croix) for sure. Personally I prefer Florida beaches to PR, but I think that’s an unpopular opinion.

    4. Thanks – Going to check out the USVI for this one!

    5. Hawaii. Long flight but it’s truly glorious. Go to the big island and stay at the Lava Lava Beach Club cottages.

27. The only flight I have ever been irritated by parents having a small child in first class was one from Guam to Honolulu- an ~8 hour flight that departed around 8am local time, but with a large portion of the plane (myself included) connecting in from other locations meaning they hadn’t slept in over 24 hours. The child was probably less than a year old and generally a happy camper, which unfortunately included vocally sharing that fact with everyone around. The parents took turns keeping the child entertained and taking advantage of the lay-flat seats to catch some extra sleep… unfortunately not all of us are as good at drowning out the happy noises.

    I agree with other posters that it’s a sucky situation regardless, but them being able to sleep while their child prevented me from sleeping was definitely had me making eye daggers at the back of their seat.

    1. Does anyone travel long haul without noise cancelling headphones and eye masks though? If they were taking turns taking care of the kid it sounds like they were not both sleeping at the same time?

       1. I love my noise cancelling headphones, but I can’t always wear them because they can make sinus troubles and pressure sensitivity during the flight worse. They seem to give a sort of vacuum-like effect at pressure changes. They can also be difficult to wear when using pressure-releaving airplugs long-haul.

          My pet peeve in this genre is parents who let their kids kick the back of the seat in front during flight.

          1. I have the same issue. I can’t fly without a dose of sudafed.

    2. I think flying private is the solution for you.

28. Re the Idaho killer, are any other NJ people noticing how in PA you can search garbage but in NJ you can’t? I remarked on NJ’s privacy-expectation-in-your-trash thing just before Christmas and now I see it is really relevant. [I mean, don’t murder people, and if you do, pls don’t come to NJ but put your trash in any of the other 49 states.]

    1. honestly what? Nothing about the apprehension of the Idaho killer involved searching his trash, in PA or elsewhere.

       1. I read that they searched his garbage to get his dad’s DNA, which they linked to the DNA at the crime scene. I had no idea garbage searches were not allowable everywhere.

          1. To clarify-they did not link his dad to the crime scene. Found parental DNA that indicated that the parent of the suspect lived there.

          2. You’re right, I’m sorry! I read the affidavit last night and missed that part.

       2. They searched the trash to get a DNA match (his dad, in this case). It’s actually quite common.

          1. In NJ, it would get suppressed from the case in chief but IDK that it did anything more than confirm that the police had the right guy. It isn’t material to identifying or capturing him.

             Still: NJ, you are a crazy state; never change

       3. They did search trash for a DNA match.

    2. So I’m actually a criminal justice graduate student in PA (this is not a great week to be one) and I did not know this!

       1. Seriously — not a good week (and this guy learned nothing; I guess I’m not unhappy because that is how they got him).

          1. I have learned this week that there’s a huge misconception on what we learn :) So many online comments about “he must not have learned anything in his classes”, but studying criminal justice or criminology is much closer to sociology (many criminal justice/criminology departments are colocated within a university’s sociology department) than the police academy! The only hard skills I’m learning in my degree are related to research methods and GIS; everything else is social sciences and theory.

             1. I feel like by watching too much crime TV, I know more than this guy did.

29. Adding on to the travel questions here: I am graduating with my masters in May! I’ve been working full time and in school part time for 3.5 years so I really, really can’t wait to be done. I would like to take myself on a vacation to decompress and celebrate being done.

    I like lying on the beach and doing nothing, I like hiking and adventure travel, I like walking around picturesque cities and towns and I like good food and trying local beers. Coming from NYC. Would like to keep it fairly affordable, as I’m planning a week in Europe in August to celebrate my 30th birthday. I might have a friend or two or my mom join me, or I might go solo.

    1. Costa rica

    2. I would go to Peru. Hiking in the Andes was one of my favorite trips ever and there are groups you can join as a solo traveler. It may not be a good mom trip though unless she’s pretty active.

       1. My mom is only 59 and regularly surfs (among other activities), so she’d be fine for a trip like this but with the Europe trip, I’m only able to go for about 4 days (sorry, should have mentioned that in the original post) so I can’t justify the flight.

    3. Bermuda would work for lying on the beach, and it is super easy to get to from NYC.

       1. Oh I do love Bermuda!

          1. Bermuda is like the least affordable island possible- the flight might be quick but the “burn rate” is bananas.

             Maybe Tulum?

             1. Really? Your biggest cost other than flights is going to be hotels, and there are some reasonably priced options in Bermuda. I mean, you can spend $2k a night on the Rosewood if you want to, but there are lots of other options including the Hamilton Princess under $500 a night in May. I don’t recall food being way more in Bermuda than in the Caribbean or Hawaii (in general islands are expensive). Even if it’s a bit more, food costs generally pale in comparison to flights and hotels.

    4. The airfare wouldn’t be super cheap, but once you get there it would be affordable: Southeast Asia. Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia. I’m going for three weeks next month and can’t wait! May is the beginning of the rainy season but the worst day in SE Asia is still fantastic!

       1. That trip is DEFINITELY on my list, but not for this trip. I can only swing a long weekend

          1. Ah! Well, then it doesn’t get more picturesque than Quebec City — like going to France without the long flight!

       2. We did two weeks in Thailand in May and the weather was fine. I don’t think that will be an issue. I will say that while the trip was super interesting and I’m SO glad we went, I’m not sure it’s what I’d choose for a trip where the primary goal is decompressing. The big cities like Bangkok are huge compared to US and European cities and were a little overwhelming to me. I also found that it was really stressful keeping track of all the food safety restrictions and making sure I didn’t eat forbidden foods (although I’m very glad I did, because my husband was more lax and ended up being very sick for over half our trip). When I want to decompress, I want a beach resort or a quieter corner of Europe like Tuscany or Andalucia. But everyone is different.

30. Am seeking recommendations for a resort/hotel this winter or early spring to celebrate a milestone birthday with a college bestie, likely for an extended weekend. Leaning towards Mexico for a variety of reasons, but I have never been there and don’t know where to start. I wouldn’t say money is no object, but would say we are willing to splurge to celebrate ourselves and many years of friendship. TIA for any recs!

    1. my college roommates and I are doing a long weekend at civana in AZ – it’s more of a wellness type spa. We all agreed we needed a bubble/break from our lives and didn’t want to deal with international travel and wanted to be warm

    2. Live Aqua Cancun is a gorgeous resort with great food and a low key vibe. Would be perfect for a girls trip.

    3. La Blanc!

31. If you’re 10-15 years away from retirement, do you have your more conservative investments in before-tax or after-tax accounts?

    I’m about 15 years away from age 59 and starting to think about what I can and cannot access before age 59 if we suddenly have a lot less income (the two small niche companies my husband and I work for could shut down before then). Lots in cash, lots outside of retirement as well as in. But should I be holding bond funds in retirement accounts – or be more aggressive since those are the longer timeline, and keep the bond funds and lifecycle funds in after-tax accounts we can access before age 59?

32. Do you keep the cloth dust bags that come with some of your shoes and bags? I am decluttering and have a huge stack. I do not store my extra shoes or purses in them, nor do I typically re-sell shoes or purses once I stop using them. I gift them to someone in my family or donate. Is there any other purpose I should consider for keeping them?

    1. I use them for storage mostly, but they’re great for travel and also literally dusting (if they’re the felt kind).

       1. I keep mine specifically to put shoes or other items in when I travel. The larger ones from handbags make great travel laundry bags.

    2. For really nice shoes/bags, I keep them either for storage or when I travel. Actually, I tend to use them a lot when I travel even if it’s to throw a pair of sneakers into one of the bags that came with expensive loafers just to help the packing. I’ve also used them as travel laundry bags. But I throw out ones that are cheaply made or don’t have any closures.

    3. I’m at the renting stage of my life so I keep them to protect my items while moving every few years. If you’re not currently using the bags and you own your home then toss ‘em.

    4. I use them when packing shoes.

    5. I store the items in them because they’re usually fancy items that I dont wear all the time, and they do genuinely accumulate dust, especially my shoes which are just on open racks rather than a closed cupboard.

    6. This sort of random item usually goes over well on the local Buy Nothing group, if you just wanted them out of your house.

       If you don’t use them for shoe/bag storage, you could use them for junk drawer-type stuff organization. I use one of those bags to keep my resistance bands and jump rope together and easily grabbable.

33. I’m 4 months post-partum and have been experiencing food/smell aversions similar to that of first trimester pregnancy. Never breast fed. I can’t stomach any meat, eggs, or raw greens. Sometimes I think I’m craving something and then my tastebuds betray me and I can’t swallow a bite. I crave a lot of bland carbs like plain rice or pasta. While I think this is a phase, any advice for how to get enough nutrients a day? I’m experimenting with protein powder, but even that isn’t reliably palatable.

    1. It might be a phase but it might not be. I went off fish when I was newly postpartum and still can’t stomach it. Honestly, I’d just lean into it and eat what feels good right now. You can take a multivitamin if you’re really worried, but you won’t be nutritionally deprived even if you don’t eat meat, eggs or raw greens. It’s not that limited of a diet.

    2. I assume you made sure that you aren’t pregnant again, right?

       1. My SIL has two kids in 1 calendar year. It was not planned that way.

    3. I kept taking a prenatal vitamin for a few months post partum. I found it hard to eat a lot in those sleep-deprived months and the vitamin was an easy way to keep up on micronutrients.

34. Harry’s book OMG! I did not need to know about his frostbitten todger.

    1. I read some buzzy bits online last night. I’ve done my best to avoid all of their interviews and shows and books because it all just feels soooo trashy and needy, but I couldn’t help myself and clicked on an article. This book seems like it’ll be a whole new level.

       I guess I don’t know / understand what their end goal is. They’re quickly approaching TLC reality tv show family status.

       1. Also, if you don’t get many comments, PLEASE repost this in the afternoon thread. Dying to hear from others!

          Unsaid but relevant: I’m a HUGE Will and Kate fan.

          1. Co-sign

    2. Yes! I don’t follow the whole saga closely but I read a few stories on Page Six yesterday. The book sounds wild and random. And he comments on his brother’s package too? Super glad I don’t have siblings publishing books that include info on my genitalia. I thought they left for privacy or something?

       1. “And he comments on his brother’s package too”
          Wait what?? I heard that he made fun of William’s hair loss (which is mean and also a bit hypocritical since Harry has very clearly thinning hair himself) but I didn’t hear anything about William’s genitals. Good lord! I’m starting to think Harry is seriously mentally ill to the point that I almost feel bad snarking on him.

          1. He wrote that both he and William are circumcised. Like I don’t know why he would even write about his own situation let alone his brother’s. If Megan’s sibling put info about her genitalia in a book she would be livid.

             1. And why the heck would you put that in a memoir?! Does anyone actually care about that?

       2. Yea Megan and Harry’s entire public performance is getting old. I don’t understand how Harry claims to want a relationship with his brother and father and then do things like this. You cannot be on good terms when you trash your family so many times. Just admit you don’t care about the relationship anymore.

          1. Right? Like, if you want to repair your relationship with your notoriously private and straight-laced family, publishing a juicy tell-all is probably NOT the way to go.

          2. This exactly. You can’t have it both ways, which seems to be the lesson that he stubbornly refuses to learn.

    3. His…his what???

       (Don’t answer, I’ll Google on my lunch break in a minute!)

       1. British slang for penis haha

       2. lol something having to do with circumcision?! The excerpts I’ve seen make me think the publisher was like “wow this is completely bonkers! sign him up!”

          1. He does say elsewhere in the book that he’s circumcised, but the “frostbitten todger” is something different. He took to the North Pole where apparently he got a frostbitten penis. And then he came back for W+K’s wedding and it was still…chapped? And he wanted to tell everyone at the wedding but didn’t. Only to tell us now.

    4. Ugh, gross. I watched 3 episodes of the Harry and Meghan show on Netflix and had to stop. It felt so tedious, like this story has already been told a million times, even though I do think Meghan was treated harshly and unfairly after she started becoming more popular than the other royals. Suffice to say that I won’t read the book because I’ve heard enough at this point. No wonder family relations are strained, sheesh.

    5. I think it is a bad sign when even the Taliban spokesman is mocking him.

    6. What’s with the book title? It was Queen E with Prince Charles as heir and Prince William as spare and now it’s King Charles with Prince William as heir and William’s kid as spare?

       Does he even have a title anymore? I thought those got cut off or is that another royal family?

       1. When he and Will were kids, they were referred to as “the heir and the spare.” That’s a common phrase throughout history concerning royal sons, actually.

       2. Not defending Harry, who I can’t stand, but the title makes sense. Heir and spare usually refers to siblings, and Charles reportedly said to Diana after Harry’s birth “now you’re given me an heir and a spare.” The British press have often referred to W and H as the heir and the spare too. You’re correct that Will’s kids are now higher than Harry in the line of succession, and someday their kids will be above him too, but Harry was “the spare” when he was born because it wasn’t 100% certain Will would reproduce.

       3. No the spare is the second child. In the Wales’s case, Charlotte is the spare. In case anything happens to George.

          Harry isn’t exactly the spare anymore now that Will has kids, but he was the spare when he was born.

    7. I’m so sick of hearing about him. He’s such a whiner.

    8. I am enjoying this trainwreck. I have a fair bit of sympathy for him and Meghan but am not really fans of them (or anyone else involved as people). I really dislike the royal family and that includes will and kate for what I believe is a conservative and generally negative influence on society, to the extent they have any.

       1. This is where I am. There’s little doubt that the crown (the institution) has been feeding negative items on H&M (mostly M) to the tabloids for years, though, which I just find icky.

          1. I don’t know, at this point I’m taking the “I was silenced” Meghan proclamation from Oprah to be “we hated that all of the royal family’s comms people made us shut up because we’d look stupid if we talked” and boy were they right.

             1. This. They are mad that the communications people wouldn’t lie to make them look good.

             2. Agree with this. I work in communications/PR, fwiw.

       2. I have sympathy for Meghan but not Harry. He grew up in this environment and should have known what it involves. He really didn’t do a good job of preparing or helping Meghan.

    9. I was GLUED to my phone last night. Each tidbit crazier than the last.

       -Harry’s frostbitten privates at Will and Kate’s wedding.
       -“Mounting” the woman who took his innocence in a field behind a pub.
       -Everything Diana-related: Meghan putting the positive pregnancy test on a lock of her hair, Meghan asking for a private moment at Diana’s grave when they were dating to commune with her, Harry asking psychics to speak with her and them telling him she was laughing when Archie broke a Christmas ornament of the Queen.
       – Him admitting so many tabloid stories were true: actually Kate did cry (as did toddler Charlotte!), actually they did announce their pregnancy at Eugenie’s wedding, actually the staff were complaining that Meghan bullied them.
       – The horrible things Will and Kate did to alienate them included: Will saying he couldn’t sleep over at Harry’s the night before his wedding because he had a three week old and two additional toddlers at home and he didn’t want to leave his newly postpartum wife alone the night before she had to be up and in front of cameras for a billion people the next day (a betrayal Harry compares to Meghan’s dad not showing up to the wedding at all!), Kate giving Meghan her lip gloss when Meghan asked but not enthusiastically enough, Will defending Kate when she told Meghan “we’re not close enough for you to talk about my hormones” when Meghan tried to say newly postpartum Kate had “baby brain.”
       – The way overly attached way Harry talks about Kate (“I loved to make her laugh, I don’t remember anything about Will and Kate’s wedding other than she looked beautiful.”) Very guy in love with Keira Knightley in Love Actually of him.
       – Harry deciding Meghan was “magic” because she sang at seals and telling Will “Diana sent her to me” and then getting offended when Will was like “uh, maybe chill.”
       – The absolutely crazy sentence about Will losing his hair and Harry being thrilled it made him look less like Diana in some weird attempt to make Harry Diana’s #1 son.
       – Him yelling at Charles while Charles was literally at his dying mother’s bedside because Charles said Meghan couldn’t come to Balmoral (neither did Kate, neither did any other grandchild besides William).

       He has zero issues being ranked above literally anyone else in the family, he just hates with his whole heart not being equal to William, without every acknowledging that perhaps that brought him more freedom (and certainly will as he retires with his millions into the California sunshine at a normal age and William is a public figure until literally the second he dies because the Brits don’t do abdications.) A full on trainwreck.

       1. Good g-d! Poor Kate. This isn’t even her family, it seems like she’s done nothing wrong, and her name keeps getting dragged through the mud over and over again. I don’t feel much as empathy for Charles and Will who probably aren’t blame-free here despite Harry’s immaturity, but ohhhh man I feel bad for Kate.

35. Just had a meeting where I wanted to THROTTLE a mansplainer telling me how to do my job because he had one of my job functions before I started. Well, buddy, the reason we aren’t doing this process the same way you did it is because your process was subpar. He also drives me nuts because he’s a “clock in, clock out” guy and operates with blinders on. Thanks for letting me rant.

36. Give me your thoughts on this interaction. My boyfriend and I were supposed to meet with his female friend for dinner tonight. She has been very, very eager about this dinner, in large part because her ex-boyfriend (my boyfriend’s friend) is visiting the city we live in for a few weeks. She had asked my boyfriend, “Is Chris visiting? I saw something on his social media.” To which my boyfriend responded, “Yes. Will tell you in person.”

    She had to cancel the plans tonight because she has a date, but asked him “By the way, are you going to see Chris while he’s here? And what were you going to tell me in person about him? So much suspense lol.”

    I feel bad since it feels like maybe she thought my BF was going to tell her something huge and important, or maybe even that Chris is still in love with her. In reality, my BF thinks Chris has become incredibly slimy and doesn’t want to associate with him anymore. Chris made a comment during their last dinner that “being single is a lot better than being in a relationship, as you get to see many boobies as opposed to one pair of boobies.” Ick.

    Does my boyfriend’s comment about ‘will tell you in person’ seem like it was setting her up for a big reveal, or do you think she read into it more than she needed to? I don’t want him causing unnecessary hurt feelings…

    1. This is so much ado for nothing. Why can’t your boyfriend just pick up the phone and call her and tell her what he was going to say?

    2. I think you’re reading way too much into this.

       1. This

    3. I think he is making this more of a big deal – can’t he just text her what her was going to tell her?

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