Coffee Break: Tate City Tote

101 Comments

1. This bag is beautiful. I would also like nail polish and lipstick in the same color…

   1. This bag is lovely.

      1. Agreed it’s beautiful

      2. Bonnie – did you get an at-home nail gel system yet? I’m still curious about those.

         1. I have one and I love it. I can do my nails in the amount of time it would take to drive to the salon and back, nevermind the time in the chair or the cost. They don’t always last quite as long as the salon – usually about a week to a week and a half. That’s still a vast improvement over regular nail polish for me, which typically only lasts a day maximum since I have really soft nails. I would definitely recommend it!

            1. Which one do you have?

         2. Wildkitten – I haven’t bought a system yet but did get Sally Hansen no-light gel polish. It’s not as good as the gel manicure but I’ve had a dark polish on my nails for 4 days now with only minimal dings. It looks like it will be easier to remove as well.

2. Interview for a corporate comms job at a tech startup in the Northeast. Very casual (jeans) dress code. Thoughts on sheath dress with coordinating, but not matching blazer? Or just stick to a suit? Their culture is very laid back, so I don’t want to come off as stuffy, especially coming from a more buttoned up job.

   1. If it is a casual culture I would skip the suit. I think non-matching suit separates are the way to go because it shows you know a bit about the culture but still dressed up enough to take the interview seriously. Add some fun accessories to show your style (but nothing too loud).

      1. Thanks for the feedback! I think I’ll stick with non matching separates and throw in a tasteful statement necklace.

   2. I’ve interviewed with tech startups and wore a non-matching skirt suit (gray tweed pencil skirt, gray top, and black blazer). All of my interviewers were in jeans and tshirts. I think the non-matching suit-like outfit is a good strategy.

3. For those of you who have a separate checking account to manage your monthly bills, how do you decide which expenses should be paid from your bill account versus your discretionary account? Obviously I’d include stuff like rent and electricity, but what about groceries, which can definitely vary and has a discretionary component (Kroger versus Whole Foods)? Any other thoughts/advice?

   1. Groceries are our only “fluid” line item in our otherwise fixed budget. We keep discretionary funds in our own personal checking accounts, and then all the bills (and groceries, and more discretionary line items) come out of a joint account. We just pay attention (I have paid detailed attention over the last 2 years) to our grocery spending, and I have a pretty good handle on what I need to budget. We just budget for about $600/month, but we rarely end up using it all.

   2. We actually have a separate checking account that is specifically for things like groceries, takeout, and going out. It’s a set amount each month, and how we choose to spend it is completely discretionary. We use a debit card as a credit card so we are essentially spending cash every time we use this account. This works for us because my husband and I can spend a ton of money on restaurants if we aren’t careful.

   3. Groceries/restaurants/bars/etc. are all discretionary, because we can vary so widely if not careful. Our “fixed” account covers rent, phone bill, cable, utilities, etc.

      This is easier for us because we round “up” in funding this checking account. We allot a bit more necessary, and so this account has been growing incrementally, providing a cushion for the future. We could blow that cushion on a couple of nights at nice restaurants if we weren’t careful!

   4. Yay! Coffee Break! I love Coffee Break and this Ralph Laurene Tote–The Classic Version I perfer even if it does have floppier strap’s, b/c it has a ZIPPER, and I do NOT like to go in the subway where smelley peeople put their hand’s into my tote to try and steal things while I am balanceing NOT to fall into other peeople! I also love the RED color, and agree with Wildkitten (above) about matcheing lipstick. I would also LOVE to get matcheing red leather gloves to go with this in additon to NAIL polish. I think that me and Wildkitten think alot alike, and are probabley SOUL sistaz! YAY Wildkitten!

      As to THIS OP, you should have 1 bank account, not 2 or more, and try to get your dad or husband to manage all your money so that you do NOT have to waste time thinkeing of balanceing your checkbook or transfering fund’s from 1 account to another. If you are SMART, like me, you will convince your DAD to do everything until you can find a very smart guy to take over for DAD once your MARRIED to him. Until then, make sure your dad know’s what he is doieing, like mine, and you can then just concentrate on being a LAWYER, and getting your CLE credits and handeling your own billeing arrangements AT WORK, for which you are PAID.

      I am to meet a new guy tonite, who work’s with Myrna. I have gone to the NYSC at lunch to shower and prepare in case he is goeing to evalueate me as a putative spouse, like I will be doeing with him. I hope he is not just another looser banker who just want’s to put me up as another NOTCH on his winkie, b/c guess what, he is getting NOTHING from me in the winkie departement until we are dateing for a while, if NOT engaged or MARRIED. All of Ed’s freinds at Merill like to talk about NOCHES, but they know that there will be NO NOCHES with Ellen Barshevsky’s name on it. FOOEY on that!

      I did NOT eat at lunch so I can look VERY SVELTE for this guy. But once we are MARRIED, I will eat and say it is for THE BABY, and relax for the first time in my life. I will be over 34 by then, so it is TIME for me to relax as the wife of a sucesful BANKER! I hope this schmoe is the one for me! We shall see!!!! YAY!!!!

   5. If you are maintaining a separate bills account so it can have a “set it and forget it” component with auto deducting bill pay, I would put only fixed bills (mortgage, car payment, monthly gym memberships, etc) and I wouldn’t include fluxuating expenses like groceries or utilities (unless your utility company has a budgeting plan to withdraw the same amount monthly).
      If its to share household expenses with a partner, I would include groceries, utilities and all shared expenses.

4. do you typically comb through your closets at the end of season to cull what doesn’t fit/haven’t worn? I think this may be very helpful as I tend to quantity-shop rather than quality-shop. I feel like now is a great time to get rid of a lot of the stuff that is dragging my winter wardrobe down, and replacing (for the 2 months left of winter) but I also need to get my spring/summer wardrobe in shape too! How do you navigate weight changes? A lot of the things that I bought last winter are now too big, but I don’t want to be replacing tons of stuff all at once, either.

   1. 1) I comb through my closets, I guess, but not at the end of the season. Whenever I find myself wearing something and hate the way I look (and not due to just an unrelated bad mood), it gets tossed. Especially if I can figure out why it doesn’t look good and what would work better.

      2) Now is not a great time to replace winter items, since even the clearance winter stuff is mostly unavailable, and what’s left is pretty picked over at this point. Focus on the upcoming season.

      3) If something’s too big: if you really like it, alter it; otherwise, toss it.

   2. I go through my closet a few times a year – probably once the seasons change. I find it helpful for the upcoming season but often I end up getting rid of things I’m sick of which I regret the following season (i.e. the sweater I wore far too often in the winter) so I would just keep that in mind if that’s a possibility for you.

      I also make a point to get rid of stuff as soon as I try it on and realize I’m not feeling it anymore i.e. getting dressed in the morning. It gets tossed to the bottom of my closet (in a donation bag). Once I go through my closet and look over the bag again, it gets taken out.

      For the items that are too big, I would contemplate keeping them if your weight tends to fluctuate. You don’t want to have to buy new skirts next winter if you gain a few pounds that you got rid of this year.

      I think March is a good time to bridge your wardrobes i.e. it’s still cold, but I get sick of wearing the same dark colours so I start throwing in more springy sweaters.

   3. I have shifted in weight a bit over the past few years. I remove all of the stuff that doesn’t fit me and fold it nicely and put it in boxes. When I do that, I decide whether I really like a piece and whether it’s worth keeping. Although having a closet of smaller clothes can be motivating, I like my closet to reflect what is currently wearable.

      It is motivating to know that I have a whole beautiful wardrobe of clothes in one size smaller, ready for me to wear soon.

5. I am temporarily leaving private practice for a term clerkship (18 mo) with my jurisdiction’s court of appeals, and I am at a bit of a loss for how best to go about informing and keeping in touch with clients, opposing counsel, and other professionals I occasionally work with. Should I just add the people I care to keep in touch with personally on LinkedIn and e-mail everyone else to simply inform them that all future inquiries regarding X should be directed to Y?

   Also, any tips re: maintaining professional contacts/networking while clerking would be much appreciated. I am still pretty junior, but have brought in clients of my own and have developed relationships with outside counsel and client representatives such that I am their primary contact at the firm and have a good working rapport with them. Given that I will eventually return to private practice, it seems unwise to more or less go off the grid for the term of my clerkship, but, at the same time, I want to be careful about how I network while employed with the court to avoid the appearance of impropriety.

   1. Are you returning to your firm? I think that you handle the notification and work transition the same as you would other types of leave with the caveat that you will not be available at all through your contact information at your firm. You want to be very clear that you will not be doing any work on files and make sure that the clients/opposing counsel know who is handling each matter. For your own clients, I would seek assurances from your firm that you will remain the origination attorney when you return to the extent that it matters for compensation and advancement.
      Does your court/jurisdiction have a prohibition on clerks participating in various bar association activities?

      1. The post-clerkship situation is up in the air–Boss would gladly hire me back, but circumstances are such that there may not be a need for another attorney when the time comes. For that reason, I am proceeding as if I will not be back. I do not know whether there are any rules about bar association activities…that is a good idea!

   2. Email everyone about your clerkship and provide them with your new contact information (separate email for each client and close acquaintances in the bar, mass bcc email for other contacts). Stay in touch by adding people on Linked In and having lunch or coffee with clients and close acquaintances / connections. I try to see my connections at least once every 3 months. You have to take the lead and email people about lunch and propose dates, usually at least 2 weeks out. A lot of people won’t take the initiative to email, but gladly accept your invitation and check their calendars if given dates. Hope this helps.

6. Jumping off this morning’s landline discussion, I’m wondering if anyone has and likes or hates Ooma. We need to get a home phone for our new buzzer system at our apartment. We only have Internet and don’t want cable so it’s not really worth it for us to use Time Warner for phone service. I’m thinking Ooma is the way to go but am open to other suggestions as well.

   1. My mom has Vonage and really likes it.

      1. I forgot all about Vonage. I’ll check it out. Thanks!

   2. we have ooma and have used it for years. it works well. It’s not as reliable as home phone (i.e. if the power goes out, or internet goes out, you can’t use the phone).

   3. I heart Ooma. It is so much cheaper! We were already dealing with VOIP through our cable company, so all of the same things apply WRT power outages, etc. The only problem we had when switching over was our alarm system — we had to change to a radio transmitter because the dial tone was different. Overall, very happy with the service.

7. Do you usually eat breakfast- if so, what do you have? I’ve been struggling with ideas recently

   1. I usually have one of these options:

      *plain oatmeal with brown sugar, dried cranberries, and almonds that I mix in
      *Quaker Oat Squares (cinnamon) or Kashi Warm Cinnamon cereal with berries and skim milk
      *peanut butter and banana on multi-grain toast
      *mashed avocado toast with tomato, lemon juice, salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes
      *a two-egg omelet with spinach and goat cheese and toast on the side

      1. Raisin bran with skim milk – its easy and automatic when I’m groggy. Plus it fills me up and makes it easy skip the treats people bring into the office. Then a banana at 10 when my tummy starts to growl to tide me over till lunch.

   2. Is your struggle with finding time? Something that tastes good/is filling? Tell us more…

      Lately I’ve been eating bagels with cream cheese or yogurt and granola, but I’m 23 weeks pregnant and probably wouldn’t go this high-cal normally. My non-preggo breakfast staple is microwaved egg whites with salsa and cheese.

      1. I usually make a green smoothie, but I’ve had that every morning for the last 6 months, and now I’m looking for something new. Either something fast, or preferably, something I can bring to work and eat there.

         1. Are you bored of smoothies or just your green smoothie? I make a smoothie with 1/4 cup oats, 1 tbsp. chia seeds, cinnamon to taste, dates to taste (I use 2-3, depending on size), 1 cup of almond milk, 2 tbsp. almond butter, and 1 frozen banana (plus ice). It’s pretty calorically dense, so it keeps me full until lunch. I combine the oats through the almond milk the night before so the oats soften, and then add the almond butter and banana in the morning.

            I’ve used peanut butter in place of the almond butter, and it’s good. I bet adding in some chocolate powder would be good too. Oh She Glows is a good smoothie source as well.

            1. Oooh this sounds good! I do grain free cinnamon muffins in the winter and smoothies in the summer, but I’m a little bored of my most recent smoothie blend (almond milk, banana, peanut butter, flax) so I’m going to try yours :)

         2. I keep a giant 5-lb (?) canister of oatmeal at my desk. If I’m running late or just plain lazy in the morning (so, minimum 3 times a week), I don’t eat at home, and just pour some oatmeal in a mug/cup when I get to the office. Add some hot water from our office Keurig machine and that’s breakfast! I sometimes do variations on this e.g. raisins, blueberries, etc. (whatever I brought into the office/fridge that week). Also good for snacks on those days when I’m hungry at 4:30 and know I won’t get home till 7:30.

            Kind of boring, but it requires minimal effort, so for me the efficiency often wins out.

   3. -Toast (Ezekiel bread) and natural peanut butter
      -Avocado toast with garlic salt, pepper, smoked paprika (sometimes with an egg, if I have time)
      -2% greek yogurt and fruit (usually grapes or strawberries)
      -Microwaved scrambled eggs (with leftover veggies if I have any) and toast
      -Egg in hole

      Other than the last, I usually make these at work. I supplement with green juice or fresh fruit if I get hungry mid-morning.

   4. I just drink a glass of milk with protein powder every day. I like the taste a lot and it keeps me going till lunch. Added bonus is I don’t have to think about what I will be having for breakfast.

   5. Always. Most mornings it’s some variation on eggs. Recently, whole wheat toast with smashed avocado, red pepper flakes and an egg over easy. When I’m trying to watch what I eat, I sub for a veggie omelet or sautéed spinach with a soft boiled egg on top. When I am feeling indulgent, I sub whole wheat toast for an English muffin or croissant and add cheese and butter…

      In the summer, when there are better tasting and readily available berries, I like to do berries and greek yogurt with honey or orange marmalade on top or stirred in.

      If time is the issue, I have a friend who bakes a batch of whole wheat/oat/zucchini/banana/carrot/whatever you have on hand muffins/bread and then grabs that in the morning. There are lots of variations on the recipe if you google.

      You could also do oatmeal prepared the night before if you like oatmeal with various toppings from sweet to savory but I hate oatmeal so that suggestion never works for me.

      ETA: you can make overnight oats at home and bring to work to microwave in the morning.

   6. I usually eat oatmeal with some fresh fruit and toasted slivered almonds on top or two eggs. Occasionally, avocado toast.

   7. Lately I’ve been alternating between two breakfast options. One is a boca burger with a fried egg (I cook them both in the same pan), with salsa, and sometimes I add half a grapefruit to this meal. The other is oatmeal (not the quick-cooking kind), with cinnamon and dried cherries, and sometimes slivered almonds. As the weather gets warmer I’ll probably revert to my summer breakfast, which is a bowl of berries with greek yogurt on top, and sometimes granola on top of that.

   8. I eat steel cut oatmeal, PB 2 (powdered peanut butter), cocoa powder and sugar == chocolate peanut butter oats!

      1. I’ve just recently seen some smoothie recipes that use PB2 and had never heard of it before. Can you fill me in on the benefits of using the powdered form? Less oily? At the very least it seems less messy, I invariably show up at work with peanut butter somewhere I didn’t catch!

         1. PB2 is great for smoothies since it blends and is also lower in fat (though it’s the good fat you’re using). You can reconstitute it with water but I’ve heard it’s gross.

            1. Thanks, that makes sense about it being easier to blend–I use regular peanut butter now and I tend to get peanut butter “pockets” suspended throughout the smoothie. I’ll have to try the powder!

   9. I usually have Chobani yogurt with the oats in it, and a piece of fruit, then another piece of fruit for second breakfast.

   10. I usually hard boil eggs on Sundays and grab 2-3 to eat when i get to work. Sometimes I have some plain yogurt on my way out the door. I usually just scoop it with the 1/2 cup measuring cup and eat it straight out of that, because I’m gross and groggy in the mornings. Sometimes when I remember to do it I’ll make overnight oats (plain rolled oats + yogurt + whatever fruit is around or peanut butter or pumpkin spice blend, leave overnight and eat the next day).

       1. I make omelet “muffins” on Sunday and keep in the fridge. Basically take a muffin pan, put omelet “fixins” in the cups. . .(I do chopped tomato, wilted spinach and turkey sausage crumbles and cheese) and then beat about .75 egg per cup. . .for a dozen cups, I might do 9 or 10 eggs.with salt and pepper . . and pour over. Bake on 350 for about 10-15 minutes, or until done. Other ideas for fillings include leftover broccoli and cheddar, mushrooms and swiss, crumbled bacon and anything. . .the possibilities are endless.

          I package them up in twos and can heat in microwave either at home or work.

   11. Cereal. Occasionally I think I’m going to try something better for you like plain oatmeal with fruit or eggs, then I realize I’m not a morning person and anything more complicated than cereal is too much effort when I’ve just woken up.

       1. Cereal needs milk to be a complete protein…like rice and beans.

   12. Dry cheerios with a sprinkle of cinnamon and some raw almonds added.

       I like that it’s quick to fix, easy to throw in my bag, and no problem to eat at my desk.

   13. Every day, I love breakfast, plus I exercise in the mornings and just can’t do it on an empty stomach. 90% of the time it’s granola and milk, but sometimes I will treat myself to something from a nice bakery.

   14. I eat breakfast at work because I leave the house at 6:45 and that is too early to eat for me. I either have overnight oats (oats, yogurt, protein powder, but of milk, cinnamon & topped with frozen berries) or granola (I make my own) and yogurt with berries. Easy to travel with on the right containers, easy to eat at my desk and usually keep me full until lunch.

   15. Greatest advice I got from a trainer/nutritionist was that the idea of “breakfast foods” is totally unfounded. Eat what fills you, regardless of the time of day. Some days I eat eggs, other days I have a turkey sandwich at 7am. I had been applying so much pressure to find healthy but quick breakfast items, most of which I didn’t find tasty. However, I can slap a lean turkey sandwich together on low-carb bread and a touch of sriracha and be out the door in seconds… also full for hours!

   16. I make a double batch (yields 2 dozen) of muffins every other weekend and freeze them (with paper towel in between the muffins and tupperware lid as a freezerburn block). If I’m on my game, I remember to take out 2 the night before and can just eat them at room temp. Otherwise I’ll take them out in the morning and reheat for 25-30 seconds. The reheating and eating can easily be done at the office, and I’ve actually stored the entire frozen batch in my office freezer before so I didn’t have to remember to bring them in. I only stopped because it was too much effort to haul them in, and then I’d forget to have food on hand for the weekends.

   17. Oatmeal with different flavourings. Mostly cocoa, sweetened with stevia. It’s makes for a great start of the day.

   18. I usually have an omelet (1 whole egg, 1 egg white) with mushrooms and a little cheese, greek yogurt and an apple, or oatmeal with cinnamon and sometimes fruit and/or nuts on top. (I try to limit this because I get carried away and turn a relatively low-calorie bowl of plain oatmeal into a 600-700 calorie bowl. Dried fruit and nuts add up fast!) I also like to make a smoothie with spinach, frozen berries, greek yogurt, and protein powder. It is really filling and tastes good. Back when I had more time in the morning, I also liked to make homemade egg mcmuffins with an English muffin, Canadian bacon, egg and cheese.

   19. When I think about it on the weekends, I make a big batch of breakfast burritos and freeze them. Scramble a dozen eggs, make about 12 pieces of bacon, a pound of ground sausage, mix it all up in a bowl with some shredded cheese (I used to mix the cheese right with the eggs in the pan, but my brother found that mixing the cheese in the bowl acts a kind of “glue” to hold it all together), then wrap them up in a burrito. I can get 12-15 (depending on the size of the wrap) and then reheat it at work for about 2-3 minutes.

       Otherwise, it’s oatmeal or greek yogurt. Sometimes eggs if I have time to make them at home, then eat them at work.

   20. I always have breakfast, as otherwise I have an unfortunate tendency to feel faint halfway into work. I don’t really care about variety though, so have 2-3 boiled eggs every morning. At the weekend I might have scrambled eggs but can’t face them on an early stomach. I try to have a lower carb breakfast, especially avoiding cereals (which previously were much beloved) as I think the milk exacerbates my hormonal skin issues. Smoked salmon or cold meats with cream cheese are another nice option.

   21. Breakfast tacos. Scrambled eggs with a hit of taco sauce. While they cook, heat 1-2 small tortillas in the microwave. Ready in 3 minutes or less and full of protein. If I have some on hand, I’ll throw some black beans in with the eggs too.

       I also keep rice cakes and almond butter at my desk in case I’m running so late that spending a few minutes to eat at home will make a difference.

       1. Breakfast tacos? Hey there fellow Texan!

       2. <3 breakfast tacos!

          This thread is making me excited to go to bed and wake up for breakfast.

   22. When I go into the office, I make a smoothie with oats, frozen cranberries, strawberries, non-fat vanilla greek yogurt and a splash of simple syrup.

       When I work from home, I have peanut butter on toasted arnold honey wheat sandwich thins.

   23. i take a crunchy peanut-butter granola bar and an instant oatmeal packet in my lunch bag every day, and eat them while I drink my coffee at the office.

       Every once in a while I make a large frittata and cut it in slices or make muffin-tin frittatas and bring that with me in the morning, and eat cold (room temp by the time I get to work) at my desk also.

   24. I never eat breakfast – it makes me nauseated. I generally will have coffee, though!

8. What kind of jeans are “in” now… I’m in the market for a new pair and I feel like the broad answer may be ‘many’? What I’d like though is that perfect cute pair to wear for as many of my jeans-appropriate life occasions: brunch, bar, shopping, etc. Am I wrong to think skinny is on its way out? Flare seems to be back in, but I think maybe that’s too dramatic for me right now to be appropriately versatile? But bootcut seems not quite right, I think I still have memories of Bristol Palin looking very provincial in them when her mom got nominated…. What’s the answer??? Skinny bootleg? Straight leg? Don’t say boyfriend because I don’t look good in those at all, and above all I want something flattering because otherwise trends are stupid.

   1. My impression that a straighter-leg version of the skinny jean (so…fitted in the hips, but not so much elsewhere)…but I am not fashion forward by any means. I would go with what is flattering to you and works well with the kind of shoes you like to wear.

   2. Straight is a safe bet.

   3. I find good quality medium to dark wash straight leg jeans to be the most versatile option–especially because you can wear them with all kinds of shoes without having to worry about the length (i.e. I wear the same pair of straight-leg jeans with heels as I would flats, whereas I can’t do that with my bootcut jeans).

   4. Acceptable? Straight legs are fine, I suppose but still look a bit dated to me. Only skinnies are really in right now, to be honest. I know many will disagree, because not everyone prefers to wear them. But I actually think skinny jeans are universally flattering, despite their reputation for being not flattering on curvier women.

      1. I agree that they’re universally flattering. I’m an hourglass and love skinny jeans. I’ll be really disappointed when they’re no longer considered fashionable.

      2. I’m not sure skinny jeans are going to be around much longer or how really ‘in’ they are anymore. They’re ubiquitous, yes, but every cool shop I look in is having a much more 70s silhouette right now – ranging from wide legs to bell bottoms. If I was getting new jeans now, I’m not sure I’d go skinny.

      3. I agree that skinnies (*that fit well*) are flattering on a lot of body shapes and that the straight leg variety can look dated if you are not careful. When I talk about straight leg jeans, I mean the kind that are basically skinnies that don’t hug your ankles (i.e. Paige skyline).

      4. I agree with skinnies. Plus they work with every shoe (ballet flats, heels, boots) and look great. I don’t think they are going out.. I hope not as they are basically all I own now!

         If I wasn’t going to wear skinnies, I’d do a slim stovepipe and wear it with flats.. I think bootcut and flared can both be done with a lot of style, but you have to be more careful the way you style them to avoid looking dated!

9. Regarding this morning’s post about phasing out toxic friends… so how do you do it, exactly? Do you just ignore their calls and emails outright? Do you just always say you’re busy? The hard part about this is that then it comes off like you’re a person who doesn’t value friendships, since how can you tell a person that you just don’t like them anymore?

   1. Dude – you are phasing out a toxic friend. You DON’T value their friendship anymore.

      Personally, I’d probably avoid phone calls and respond to emails with a version of “sorry, too bad, I’m busy. Have fun!”

      1. I find it so irritating when guys fade out that I’d probably be honest with her, just because I find the avoiding/slow fade to be hurtful. At least she knows then and can move on.

         1. Dude no. That’s a break-up. The Fade is the way to go for ending friendships because it always leaves the door open for the future, which I think is more desirable for friends than for guys, where you want it over.

10. Deleted; wrong place.

11. This morning’s discussion touched on the Five Love Languages, and sparked my curiosity, so I took the quiz online this afternoon. I was somewhat surprised to see the results (highest score by far was acts of service, followed by physical touch, quality time, gifts, and words of affirmation in a distant last). The thing is, while the acts of service piece rings true to me, I was really surprised that Words of Affirmation came in dead last.

    I’m wondering if my relationship and the way we interact colored my answers on the quiz. My SO is very into showing me he loves me via “acts of service” (particularly identifying problems/annoyances in my life and just fixing them for me) and somewhat terrible at telling me he loves me. For the first 6-8 months of our relationship, I really struggled with the lack of verbal affirmation. Later on, I settled in with the understanding that it’s more important to him on his end to show me than to tell me, and things are wonderful now. But I’m curious — does that mean that what I value has changed? Perhaps I didn’t value words of affirmation as much as I thought I did? Or maybe I’m just letting my actual experiences color my answers to hypothetical questions? Has anybody else’s preferences w/r/t the love languages shifted during or after a particularly good or bad relationship?

    1. I didn’t know about the love languages until I heard it on this site, so I never really evaluated myself against that criteria for past relationships. But in the relationships that I have had in the past, there were things that seemed to provide greater satisfaction that I no longer really value. I’m thinking particularly of gifts – I used to care so much more about them whereas now my husband and I pretty much never give each other gifts. I also think that I’ve come to have a deeper appreciation of acts of service – I feel loved if my husband brings me a cup of coffee in bed. I don’t know if that is shifting to fit a relationship/my husband’s strengths or just changing on my part.

    2. NM. My comment was the opposite of what you are saying.

    3. I took it today too. My results were not surprising at all, so I sent it off to my husband to see if he will take it. I’ve got a pretty good guess as to what it is, so we’ll see if I’m right!

    4. My experience is that words of affirmation were much more important to me in the very early stages of our relationship and more gifts would have been nice too, but their importance dropped away once my husband and I started to put down a history of daily life, major events, shared happiness and sadness together. I’m now much more appreciative of his steadiness in times of crisis and highly competent shouldering of shared responsibilities like the care of our aged parents. The ‘acts of service’ if you will.

    5. I think the relationship stage is a good point. Acts of service are almost completely unimportant to me. That makes sense now in a relatively new relationship where we don’t share a household or have a family, and if it were important to my dude it would be easy for me to gloss over. However, that was also the case in one very long term relationship where acts of service were critical to the ex-dude, and I just didn’t get it. I didn’t value it, and in turn didn’t understand how he valued it, even in our shared household. I would be much more attuned to it now if the current relationship turns into a longer one, and I think I would value it more down the line.

       But quality time is far and away the most important thing to me.

12. In the last six months I have shed some extra weight. Not a bunch but enough that its noticeable. For the last few months, every single time I see one friend (a few times a month maybe) she has made a comment about my losing weight (“You have lost even more weight” or the like). Then she turns the conversation to her own weight (she thinks she is “getting fat” but she looks like the same healthy person to me). These comments make me feel like (1) she is pointing out that I was overweight last year, and (2) is fishing for compliments/comments about her own appearance. I also think she views it as just an acceptable topic of “girl talk.” How do I gently get her to stop this?

    1. I have a friend like this. I refuse to engage in this kind of talk, so I just (nicely) say something like, “Stop putting yourself down! Let’s talk about something else besides our bodies now,” and change the subject. People need these things pointed out to them, even if it’s awkward. Otherwise, they won’t know it’s a problem.

    2. Other thought: could she be commenting because your losing weight makes her feel bad about herself and so she is seeking reassurance rather than fishing for compliments? I do think you should just change the subject or nicely call her out on it like what espresso bean wrote.

       1. I was thinking she might also be commenting because she sees OP being successful at something that she has a perceived weakness in, and wants to know the tools or strategies that worked for OP.

          No matter why it is though, the OP should say she doesn’t want to talk about it, and her friend should respect that request.

13. Does anyone know a good legal recruiter in Indianapolis? I’m in IP litigation but open to doing any business litigation. Currently in another city with no real connections to the Indiana legal market & not much time to job search.

    1. Hope you’re still reading – I’m in Indy and don’t know a recruiter, but I did happen to see this recent job posting. http://kriegdevault.hirecentric.com/jobs/65694.html. Good luck!

14. Help! Dinner at boss’s house tomorrow night. They do not drink. What do I bring? Also, what is the appropriate length of time to stay? 30 minutes after dessert? 1 hour? ugggggh. Social anxiety!

    1. Non-romantic flowers? Like tulips or hydrangea? Or a nice bottle of olive oil. I’d say an hour after dessert is plenty, depending on how long the meal lasts. A more drawn out meal I think calls for less time hanging around at the end.

       1. Concur with Cream Tea.

    2. Candle, fancy jams/honey, small plant. If going for flowers, they need to already be in a vase or arrangement so they don’t have to scramble to put them in something.

    3. Flowers is a good choice, but as mascot said, already in a vase or other container is ideal.

       As for how late to stay, I think it’s more about overall length of dinner than specific amount of time after dessert. If dinner’s at, say, 7, I’d expect to be on my way out the door by 9:30 or 10, so if dessert is served at 8:30, then an hour’s cool, but if dessert isn’t served until 9:30, I’d be planning to leave by 10. (My MIL likes to hold people hostage at her dinner parties by withholding dessert, so we’re generally all out of there about 10 minutes after the last bite of cake has been consumed, since we’ve already been there 4+ hours, but that’s an entirely different ball of wax, I realize.)

    4. I’d bring a nice box of chocolates or local sweets, though make it clear they needn’t be served.

       1. if they have a sweet tooth, this might be a good option!

    5. Flowers, a fun non-alcoholic beverage (like sparkling pink lemonade), or a dessert. My rule is to not be the first person to leave unless you have made it clear you have another event to attend.

       That assumes it’s a group event. If it’s just you and the boss, ignore my suggestions.

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