Net-a-Porter’s sale just kicked off, and there are some fun things if you’re a fan of designer wares. I’ve been hearing a lot about Staud recently, and I’m really liking this “clutch,” which looks to be bigger than some of the “shoulder bags” I’m seeing. (Eyeroll…)
Anyway: I like the bag, and it’s 50% off — it was $435, but is now $217, available in both black and beige. Nice! (They also seem to have a lot of Girlfriend Collective on sale, fyi…)
(Nordstrom also just started their designer clearance, and while I haven’t looked through all of it, I do see that they have a lot of Staud on sale…)
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Workwear sales of note for 3.21.23:
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off full-price pants and shirts; extra 30% off all sale styles
- Athleta – 20% off shorts, swim, linen & more
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything; extra 15% off purchase
- Boden – Up to 50% off
- Brooks Brothers – Up to 70% off. Some pretty serious markdowns!
- Cole Haan – Up to 40% off select styles (ends today)
- Express – All women’s jackets $99
- J.Crew – 25% off your purchase; up to 50% off special-occasion styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 50% off everything; shorts under $35; 50% off swim; extra 50% off clearance
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price dresses, skirts, accessories & shoes
Alarm - Rothy's Sale
Guyyys it’s the Rothy’s archive sale! Go go go.
Obligatory code if anyone wants to use it:
Nice!! What’s the conventional wisdom – half a size up for the point?
I full size up in point – I’m 7.5/8 and get 8.5 in point.
A word of caution about sizing up– I think the merino rothy’s are sized differently than the plastic ones. I ordered a half size up in the merino points because I’ve always heard to order half a size up… and they were about a half size too big. And they were final sale because I bought them during the last archive sale.
So check to make sure it’s not final sale before buying a style and material you’ve never bought before. Or buy multiple sizes and go into it knowing you’ll be reselling on fb or poshmark.
Thank you! I bought two pairs of pink shoes. 🤷🏻♀️
Cross post from the morning thread (thanks to two who responded there!)
Can we talk piercings? I want more holes in my ears, mainly because I want to wear more earrings – I just like jewelry. What kind of ear piercings do you have and what do you like about the ones you have? Any regrets?
Go for it
I have 6 on one ear going up lobe, one on the other ear. Get them on your non-phone ear! I want a tragus on the side with the 6, perhaps this summer.
I love piercings and have several cartilage piercings — delicate rings and studs — in addition to 2 in each lobe. I love them all!
My only piece of advice is not to get piercings on both sides at once — it hurt to sleep on that side for a long time!
Thanks! I made the appointment. Not one person has expressed regrets. :$
Oh sad I missed this post earlier: I have 2 in each lobe, 1 cartilage and I have an appointment for another cartilage next month. The second lobe piercings and the cartilage are small fake diamond studs that never come out, and I love to wear hoops and other large fun earrings in the first hole
I regret cartilage piercing. I haven’t worn anything in it for 20 years but it keyloids. My regular piercings don’t. I’m fortunate it’s a small bump. I’ve seen gruesome things on the internet. In fairness, I’ve had scars keyloid on my stomach and chest, so I’m prone to them even though I’m Caucasian. But wish I could go back in time to the me that didn’t know this was a risk and skip.
Dumb question, but if you wear compression socks, is there any summer option or “night time” option that’s easier to get on than yanking the kneesocks? Like velcro?
I don’t know about other options, but if you haven’t tried this technique for getting them on, have a go (pardon the triathlete focus of the video – the technique is sound even if you’re not a tri-dork) :-)
Stockwell has a recommended way to put them on that works well for me, and i suspect it’s findable with a g**gle search.
I have also had success turning them fully inside out and sort of rolling them over my foot and up over my calf, similar to how you’d put on a triathlon wetsuit if you’ve ever worn one.
Hive help please:
we have been let down by yet a second egg donor agency. we paid fee, did escrow and all that when the agency sends to have known the donor was doing a private cycle meanwhile. we did IVF for years without result so we’ve been through nightmares.
we just want to sob.
please tell us about good experiences you had and the agency name?
thank you so much.
I have no advice, just a fellow broken heart and sympathy. I firmly believe one of the cruelest twists of fate on this earth is when people who want children can’t have them and people who don’t want them do have them.
Unexplained infertility and two failed adoptions
I’m so sorry. my thoughts are with you too.
a course family member could not want their amazing kids less and we would/have taken them anytime. you’re right….
We worked with Shady Grove (mid-Atlantic region) and had a mostly good experience. Our first donor cycle didn’t result in any embryos, and I blame the clinic protocol. BUT they did provide us some financial compensation, and after some delays, I’m pregnant with a baby from our second donor. Wishing you lots of luck and strength, it’s a hard hard process.
I’ve worked with Shady Grove for egg freezing. They are a FACTORY (which is certainly what you want for egg freezing. I do know at least one Shady Grove baby.
I’m so sorry and sending you lots of love!
I have two SG kids now, and have 2 friends with one each. I agree it is a factory- but, they know what works.
OP and second poster – I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Sending you gentle hugs.
I have a SG grandchild; worked wonderfully. Very best wishes to you.
Just want to say I am sorry. The whole infertility thing is just so soul destroying. Don’t have donor experience but found out an hour ago I am having my 7th miscarriage. It really wears. Internet hugs.
I’m sorry, Seafinch. Hugs to you.
I’m so sorry. it is very exhausting. we did many many rounds of ivf and had miscarriages. it’s heartbreaking. i wish you health happiness and a path to children you seek.
Update from my life after awhile: After 2 years, I got COVID. At my dad’s memorial service last weekend. Because of course I did.
This year is really not turning out better than the last 2….
My aunt and uncle were soo good for two years and they finally booked a European cruise…and they somehow have COVID and are confined to their stateroom. They’re so bummed.
Yeah this is one of the many reasons I won’t cruise.
So, so, sorry to hear this. Best wishes for a mild case with a speedy recovery and only good things for the rest of 2022.
Seconding this sentiment. You certainly deserve a break from the hard times! Life has to swing back in a more positive direction to balance things back out eventually, right?
Oh Sloan, That sucks . I hope you were able to get the antivirals in time. Take care.
I got them within 24 hours of symptoms which is a relief and almost certainly they did help but I’m still pretty damn miserable!
Ugh feel better soon. Fingers crossed for you
oh, best wishes for a quick recovery and condolences for your dad.
You have lots of company in the “behaved cautiously for 2 years and finally struck down because d-mn this thing got more contagious” boat in the last few months!
Not sure if I missed the news about your dad, Sloan, or if it was just a while ago and your services for him were intentionally a few months afterwards, but I’m so sorry for all these recent events in your life. I’ve been thinking about you lately and hoping you’re finding solace in good books or elsewhere, and I’ll add feeling better to that list!
Thank you. It was a couple of months ago (February 26th), we waited to have the services until we had a little bit of time to process and it was nicer so it could be outdoors. They were the day after what would have been his birthday.
Same here. I can’t sing the praises of Paxlovid enough. It took the edge off very quickly.
I had hoped it would rake the edge off a little more than it did, tbh, but my O2 sats have remained in the high 90s throughout so that’s all I really needed. The rest is manageable but sucky. I’m on day 4 of Paxlovid but woke up with chills and a worse cough this morning…Hrrmph.
I was diagnosed on 5/28 (Saturday) and so glad it happened before I got on a plane, as I was planning to fly that afternoon. I felt pretty fine and was at home bc quarantine. To make the “best” of my cancelled vacation (and because I’d already cleared my calendar) I enjoyed the week off.
But Paxlovid rebound is real folks and I am now in bed for going on two weeks. Exhausted, coughing, headache/face ache from sinus pressure (the non-drippy kind) and exhausted and aching from coughing. Fortunately X-ray is negative for pneumonia, blood test negative for clots, and my O2 has mostly held up. I’m on my second bottle of the “special” cough syrup with codeine, antibiotics for probable sinus infection, and steroids to calm my lungs. This last seems to be helping.
Corpor:::: has been a fun diversion, except for this morning’s dumpster fire that seemed to spontaneously re-combust. Oh well!
I wish you both fast recoveries! All this to encourage you to rest, even if you feel good. And yeah – to whine just a bit.
Not minimizing the suck that is covid or the rebound from hell but I read this earlier this week. I think covid itself has a rebound, as people in the hospital during the bad months would get better and then dramatically get worse and go downhill. Maybe it’s the virus itself? https://www.medpagetoday.com/infectiousdisease/covid19/99224
Interesting Coach Laura. So I am about 20 years younger than the median study age and have no co-motbidities. But I was just at six months post booster at dx and have been wishing I’d gotten another boost! Thank you.
That was me, too (the original Paxlovid poster) – 7 months out from my booster and I’m slightly under 50, so no 2nd booster yet. I haven’t had any sort of rebound, though my chest still feels a bit slimed. Knock wood, the only side effect I had was a NASTY bitter taste in my mouth for a few hours after taking each dose. It tasted like the bitter stuff you use to keep pets from licking a bandage. Sloan, I hope you feel better soon!
I’m so sorry, Sloan.
Thanks Curious ❤️
I’m sorry to hear this, Sloan; sending good thoughts for you and your mother.
Ugh, that’s not what you needed! Hugs, Sloan!
I’m sorry Sloan, for the illness and for the death of your dad. I sent good thoughts back in February and think of you often, hoping you are getting through it now.
Ugh. you guys. I am working with someone I cannot stand for various reasons (they’re underperforming, take every piece of direction as a personal affront (I’m a partner at a consulting firm and they’re a manager) and just… have a really irritating and unfortunate attitude. We are working on taking the right steps on performance etc, it’s just a bit of a process. How do I stop myself from feeling so shitty after interacting with this person? I’m just exhausted and over it.
Buy yourself a donut? I don’t know if that’s great advice, but it’s probably what I would do.
bingo card listing their annoying behaviors – when you get bingo you get a treat – bath bomb, fancy coffee etc.
I don’t think this would work well *for me* because it would make me hyperfocused on their bad behaviors.
This works for me, because it changes my approach to these interactions. I gave myself points for each time i demonstrated good behavior during their bad behavior. I had a toxic boss and used this approach, and instead of getting upset during/after these interactions I found myself thinking “c’mon, one more bad behavior, I need another 2 points for a pedi!” I would award myself 1 point for a weird email, 10 points for a verbal assault. Yes, I quit a few months later, but in the meantime this got me through.
I’d say let yourself stop worrying about them. If they’re mean? It’s not just to you, it’s to everyone. It’s not personal Maybe try to minimize in person interaction and have everything written via email. And stop expecting to get a reasonable response by being reasonable. Set firm boundaries and refuse to engage when they’re being annoying or difficult.
Or just… feel shitty and move on? Say “ugh, that was awful!” and give youself a mental or physical brushing off and leave it behind you.
Yup, this. I have a certain meeting that makes me feel like sh!t on the regular. It used to really rattle me; now my attitude is, “welp, survived that, those people are still a-holes, let’s move on and have a better day.”
As one of my law partners used to say about obnoxious opposing counsel: “They still have to be them, and we still get to be us.”
SA this is in point. i had a boss who tried to make other women cry.
i finally came around to this idea, that she’s stuck being with herself and I get to leave her.
A dilemma: I am planning to give notice and start my own office. I have found a place to rent through a broker. However, the new landlord wants my information (understandably) and I haven’t given notice yet. The new landlord also knows me and my bosses. I expect that giving notice will be extremely unpleasant and there’s going to be professional fallout. Do I send in my info to the landlord and request confidentiality? Do I move up my notice date? I’m required to give a certain amount of notice, but if things are bad enough, I might not get all of that time to prep. Also, there’s not really any other suitable space to rent, I’ve been looking for a month and believe me when I say this is pretty much it for size/rent/location.
All you can do is ask for a confidential discussion with your would-be landlord and hope they don’t spill the beans. Good luck.
Your new landlord has almost certainly encountered this issue in the past and will understand the need for upmost confidentiality. Reinforce with the broker and have the broker convey to the landlord (in addition to what you will say in your correspondence enclosing your information). Good luck!
Have the landlord sign an NDA which will lift at x date or milestone being met. I work in commercial real estate and they are very common.
Congrats on the move!
Guys, I’ve apparently become too senior in title for the age that I look. I recently took on a new role and just got back from three weeks of travel meeting various teams of colleagues and at least three times I received comments indicating I look too young for my level of seniority. One of them was particularly awkward – in the middle of a work lunch a colleague two levels down asked if he can ask me a personal question, and when he proceeded to ask me how old I am the entire room went quiet as if also wanting to know (or maybe in disapproval of the taboo question? I don’t know!). It was just weird and I’ve never witnessed this type of an interaction with other senior managers in the company.
My question is, is there something I should be doing differently to prevent or address this awkwardness? Or do I just have a sense of humor about it and say I have good genes when it does come up?
I’m 39 and have a solid 15 years in my industry. I know my role well and while I indirectly oversee technical aspects that I do not know much about, that’s what we hire engineers for. When I recite my qualifications to new colleagues I usually get surprised looks and, again, comments about how young I look accompanied by a general sense of relief. On this trip, I also got about 10 comments on how I am much shorter than anticipated (we’ve been teleworking together for a few months prior to meeting in person, and I am 5’1″).
I’ve never had issues with projecting authority in the past and find this new development slightly amusing but also a little worrisome given I’ve been hired to make important changes that require cooperation from dozens of people who roll up to me. I’m a petite person with a round face. I dress for what we are doing that day, so if we’re going on a roof on a 95 degree day, I’m wearing flats with a short sleeve blouse, not heels and a blazer. Most of the travel involves field visits in some fashion, so I’m always in flats anyway. My haircut is a conservative pixie. I wear very little makeup – eyebrow liner and undereye concealer. I have good skin and don’t need foundation. Glasses in most cases. As a pear, I do like the recent trends of paperbag waists and wider legs – I don’t know if that’s reading as too trendy or young.
What are your thoughts on all this?
You should have responded “wow that’s an inappropriate question.”
I did… I said if you’re ever thinking about asking a colleague “can I ask you a personal question” you should not ask this question as it’s likely inappropriate – then I said I had good genes and switched the topic.
“Old enough to know better than to ask inappropriate personal questions in a work meeting!”
SA please write a book
Just roll with it and smile/laugh/shrug it off. Aside from the dude asking your age outright, the speakers likely mean it as a compliment. As in, “Wow! You must really kick booty to be so young and be at this level!” It’s nothing to be defensive about. A response like, “Ha, thanks, but I’m older than I look – I’ve been doing this for 15 years!” or “Yep, great genes! I’ve been around for a while!” with a smile is all you need. No need to give your resume.
The one guy is obviously rude AF and inappropriate but it seems like it’s an issue across multiple meetings. I’d wear a blazer in a dark color for the first introduction and then remove if you’re outside and it’s hot. Heels when possible to add some height.
I had a navy pantsuit with a white blouse that I consistently wore to meet an older group of clients who always wore navy or grey suits and white shirts. Wearing the ‘uniform’ can help. It was clear that I was younger but the seriousness level hit in a way that a dress would not have. Men seem to see suits and not suits but not understand anything else. At some point someone made a passing comment that I was ‘clearly more serious about this file than X’. X was the previous female lawyer assigned who was very professional and fashion forward but rarely wore suits. Know your audience. People get a first impression in the first 10-30 seconds – focus on establishing that and then take off the blazer when you start the roof tour.
Possible way to address future rude dudes: “I’m going to take that question as a compliment on my skincare routine and not a suggestion that I should retire. Seriously though, after more than 15 years in this industry I’ve consistently found that —-insert some relevant point.”
In your shoes, I would just say my age. No need to justify yourself. My view may be different, because I generally punch above my weight class and I really am much younger than everyone I’m dealing with. People in my family barely age, so I will get those remarks forever.
As for the height remarks, I think that is a common reaction nowadays. People are much shorter or taller than I thought! But I will keep those thoughts to myself.
I wonder if your look could use a little personality. The kind of “personality” that used to be reserved for women in more senior roles. Advice in this space used to skew very generic/conservative for folks starting their careers, and then as you got older and more senior you could “get away with” clothes and accessories that were flashier or more individual. You clearly look younger than you are, but make sure you’re not reinforcing that impression by inadvertently dressing more “junior” than you are in age or position by sticking to conservative basics in neutrals and minimal accessories. Especially with the pixie cut you can easily carry off bolder earrings. And make sure your glasses project some authority by being a current and flattering style. Yes, pants, flats and short sleeve blouse for the roof top, but make sure the blouse is a bold color or print that says “look (and listen) to me”. And bring along a blazer for when you’re not on the roof!
That’s an interesting take. I don’t know if half the men I work with have ever met a senior woman, and their mental image of one (from TV or whatever) is probably closer to that. Thanks!
I suspect you could add a more artsy/sophisticated/individual spin on your look. Paperbag waists are maybe too young and casual. An asymmetrical haircut? bold earrings? red lipstick? interesting shoes? Anyway, go you!
My thoughts are that the answer to “may I ask a personal question?” is “why would you want to do that?” and wait for an answer. And if it’s anything remotely resembling “just curious,” the answer is “then no, that’s not nearly a good enough reason. Let’s move on.”
I have a friend who is 40ish but she seems to buy her clothes at places like Express at the mall as opposed to Ann Taylor or Banana. The cuts are different and her clothes make her look more girlish. She, too, recently took over a non-profit and struggles with looking authorative. Where are you getting your clothes?
I honestly haven’t shopped in quite some time but most of my outer layers are Brooks Brothers (because they tailor in store) or Antonio Melani (because they fit me off the rack). My silk blouses and shells are the usual suspects from Nordies or Dillard’s. I haven’t updated them in a while but they seem like a classic. I don’t usually do patterns for work clothes or something very subtle. I do tuck everything, the waist-less flowy look never worked for me. For office days I’m always in a sheath dress with a blazer in tow because it’s the easiest outfit ever.
I think the issue will go away in the next couple of years; for me, something about 39/40 just aged me enormously. I still look young-ish for my age, but I look mid-30s, not 25.
ahead of my time or great genes and then an obviously inflated number like 92 or 87 with a raised brow worked for me.
and don’t let it rattle you. keep being a rock star.
you will get it for years. it’s OK. own it as your brand.
Ha, this reminds me of working at a summer camp in college where we were frequently reminded that we didn’t have to share personal details with campers who asked, and in fact it was better not to. One of my campers was obsessed with learning how old I was, and I always answered her “one hundred and two.” The next year, I checked her in on the first day and she immediately asked me how old I was, hoping to catch me out, and I remembered to reply “one hundred and three” just in time!
Working with a lot of men this particular scenario of being asked an inappropriate question in public by someone who is not your peer at work reads like microaggression and a way to undercut your authority. You may want to create and have a stash of replies that shut that sh*t down in a firm, concise way. You can have a few humorous replies but that’s people pleasing to a certain extent. Which granted, women are expected to do, but isn’t always helpful to the woman doing the people pleasing. You know your situation and industry best, so trust your gut on the tone and delivery style for the situation. I’d bet money this individual wouldn’t even ask a man in a similar situation.
That’s exactly how it felt. Thank you for putting words to this. And I did want to ask him why this question is directed at the only woman at the table but decided to let that go.
This happens to me too. I am 5’2 and was a director in my late 20s. Am a VP now. I have never told anyone my age when they ask (which is more rare since I have been in my org for awhile). I don’t like when people bring it up but I also stopped caring during COVID.
I do dress up a little compared to others but I like doing it. I introduce myself with confidence. I have been “too senior” for my age for 10 years, which may be part of it.
I have been lucky and that luck may run out and I will be too old for how junior I am! So I just roll with it.
That’s a great point. I’m certainly not a wunderkind and that’s a real possibility!
Enjoy it. I was hired into my role at a young age and look young. It throws people off. I like being the wunderkind.
Yeah, I really wouldn’t take it personally. It sounds like you do look younger than you are – I feel like no one knows what 39 is supposed to look like (they know 20 and they know 50, but people are really bad at knowing the ages in between). I would laugh, say good genes and even just say your age. I think being too defensive about it (or saying that’s an inapprorpaite question), makes it seem like you ARE young – because otherwise why wouldn’t you answer? Not saying that’s the right logic, but it’s about what gets you the farthest.
So you are a petite young looking woman in a senior position lacking technical expertise and this is the first time that someone raised this issue? Did someone else tell you that you are a leader and the others who report to you are subject matter experts?
From the other side, being physically small and young looking seems to be a preferred profile for identification with potential and advancement for women in fields dominated by older white men.
In a lot of legal sub practice areas, old white guys enjoy working closely with petite young looking women. The men think we all not only similarly value women who fit this profile, but that we also view the women as our leaders (an inverse of taller more physically imposing men allegedly or really do have an edge in compensation, promotion, advancement).
In some work contexts, competence is not valued as much as fitting a certain preferred “look.” To quote Michelle Zauner’s deceased mom “anyone can carry trays,” but not everyone can fit prescriptions for the physical characteristics of a woman in a professional space.
Maybe you are running into a group of people that is not inured to this common practice of groom and promote the diminutive woman?
The featured bag looks really ugly to me. Then again, a lot of designer bags look ugly to me. That is all.
I agree about the featured bag. It looks like a cushion from a 1980s pleather recliner. But I’m not fashion-forward.
It’s pleather and quilted and to me that suggests this bag will look like a well-loved dog toy in 3-6 months but perhaps the quality is superior.
I spent quite awhile trying to put my finger on what it reminds me of and settled on an inflated trash bag combined with a tire.
I see office chair.
Ugh… Need help. I live with three girls who are also my closest friends. Two of them I’m getting increasingly exasperated with. One of them I posted a little bit ago, but she’s obsessed with money — both bragging about how much she makes and very stingy in ways that cause interpersonal tension. The other one has infrequent periods of just being kind difficult, overly decisive, and can be passive aggressive. I.E., independently deciding to make a purchase for the group, Venmo charging us for the said purchase, and then acting resentful about how much she does for the house when she hadn’t even asked if we wanted the thing to begin with.
I feel like at this point in my life I’m wondering if I’m just too sensitive and emotionally reactive for friendships? I cut out a few of my college friends for various reasons that felt valid, but I’m starting to feel like I often get upset with people or overly-activated by small things. I feel like I am probably generally kinder/more thoughtful/more easygoing than 99% of people out there (I’m told this by most people in my life), but I feel like I get really annoyed by other people not being that way too. I.E., if someone drops something I’d happily pick it up for them and not be weird about it, so when housemate #2 makes a cough-cough annoyed tone to alert me I dropped something, I get really irritated. There are a slew of other examples, but I just feel like so few things are a big deal and it’s easy to be nice and easygoing, so why constantly try to argue for your way or make passive aggressive comments or compete with your friends?
Anyway, has anyone else on here had experience with being very sensitive/overly-reactive and managed to get better at letting things go? I feel like I could have nice friendships with these people, but I constantly get so annoyed whenever anyone is self-involved/difficult/passive aggressive etc.
You sound normal. You need to move out.
Ok but girl. You just need to move out. Also though you’re falling into the trap of not drawing small boundaries and then getting overwhelmed. “Stephanie, I’m not venmoing you for that thing you bought. If you want me to contribute to a group purchase you need to check in with me ahead of time.” “Prunella? Did you just cough at me to let me know I dropped something? Feel free to use your words!”
OP, this is growing up! It is not easy, but it will improve your life tremendously to start standing up for yourself. And it does get easier over time.
You are not required to like everybody. Even if you live with them, even if you have been friends with them in the past. So it’s okay to let go of friendships for whatever reason you choose.
That said, have you ever heard that if you meet one a$$hole a month, you’ve met an a$$hole. But if everybody you meet is an a$$hole, then you’re the a$$hole.
So I support the point of Senior Attorney’s last paragraph but want to add a different perspective.
I found that I get get very touchy when I am being *constantly* needled. It’s not the one asinine comment; it’s the slew of them.
Some people go through a phase where they get weirdly competitive with their “friends.” (Quotes because their friends tend to take off after getting sick of it.) Your friends seem to be doing it now.
People can feed off each other and support each other in dysfunction. My family of origin is NUTS. They rammed the “you’re the problem, we are all fine” thing down my throat so hard. “Everyone is against you. We all disagree with you. You’re wrong and horrible and you need therapy if you can’t figure out why.” I cut ties and found a therapist. The therapist was completely horrified at what I described and spent a lot of time working with me to learn what healthy family dynamics are.
Sometimes, people really just don’t fit in well with a particular geographic region or industry. I have a dear friend who tried desperately to make a go of a city people love, and she and her family decided it wasn’t worth it, packed up, moved, and are a million times happier.
it doesn’t sound like these girls are actually still your closest friends, and that’s ok. Or maybe you can only stay friends if you part ways as roommates.
Learn to accept that only a few people will truly be lifelong friends, and others are there for a particular life stage or job but you grow apart.
I agree that you would be better friends with these people if you didn’t live together. They might be perfectly nice as friends, but they sound hellacious as roommates.
Adults do not mete out rent based on who wipes the sink (if that was you), Venmo charge for things you didn’t ask for, or cough to signal their disapproval of something. You are not the problem.
These girls (and based on the way you’re writing they sound absolutely immature) are way too passive-aggressive and you are fine. The girls need to grow up and learn how to use their words. Like another poster said, these girls are probably fine as friends but not good roommates.
I think you need to not live with these people anymore. Hard to say if they’re bad friends, or just bad roommates. But I’d start by re-evaluating the living sitch before ditching the friendship.
How old are you? Unless you’re like, 22, I think the time has passed to live with three other people!
I think you should move out. You’ve posted about these folks multiple times and each time I become more convinced you should move out. A lot of the behavior you are describing is just…roommate stuff and when you are fine living with roommates you just roll with it. When you start being aggravated with it constantly I think it’s time to find a new living situation, either with different roommates or on your own. I lived with the same roommates for 3 years and in my 3rd year found myself very annoyed by little things they had done all along because I was ready to be on my own. I am still good friends with them because once we all moved out those little things weren’t building and frustrating me.
She’s also been told to move out already each and every time she’s posted about it. Maybe this will be the post that makes her understand that?
“I.E., independently deciding to make a purchase for the group, Venmo charging us for the said purchase” – this is not normal behavior. Please refuse to pay for those items.
“housemate #2 makes a cough-cough annoyed tone to alert me I dropped something” – Do you live with the daughter of Professor Umbridge? This isn’t normal behavior either.
These people are not acting like friends when they behave this way. Remind yourself of this if being friends with them is keeping you from exploring other living options, or putting up with this unfriendly behavior.
Living with people sucks. Most friends are good in 1-2 hour doses. Not living in your space and being around every second you’re not out or at work. Move out, retain friendships, take them for what they’re worth. If friends weren’t different from us (sometimes in annoying or frustrating ways), they wouldn’t be interesting!
Sounds to me like because you are so easygoing, people give you ish. Also like you may be easygoing, right up until you get pissed. In that pattern, easygoing might not be the virtue you think it is. Or, “easygoing” might really be “conflict avoidant,” “don’t stand up for myself,” or some together thing that doesn’t feel as good because you were brought up to be “nice.” It is possible to be direct snd still be a pleasant person. Far nicer to be direct rather than quiet until you want to explode.
And yeah – ditch those roommates. They sound like they would push the limits to take advantage of anyone. Not nice in any way.
You need to move, not cut people out. Cutting people out is a fairly immature move, there can be good reasons to do so but annoyance at roommate behavior isn’t one of them. You move and you maintain the friendship.
Law Firm Pet Peeve – When someone sends me an email that is self-explanatory, then immediately calls about that email, then leaves a voicemail about that email when I am not available to answer the call (because I am on another one), then sends me a text message telling me to check my email, then acknowledges that the reason I have not already done the thing he asks for in the email is because I am swamped.
Does anyone else experience this?
Happens in academia, too. I screen my calls SO hard.
I had a boss like this a couple years ago, yes. And it’s insanely annoying.
If you do experience this, whether it’s with a client or a colleague, you need to address the behavior. Tell them the best way to reach you, and that you do not have instantaneous turnaround, but will always prioritize as best you can. Tell them that the number of ways that they contacted you was counterproductive and actually slowed you down, and please don’t in the future.
as noted above–USE YOUR WORDS. This behavior needs retraining.
If it’s actually urgent, I’ll move mountains for you. If not…will not.
Reposting from morning thread:
UK-based corporettes, please help: Heading to Scotland and will spend 4 days in Fort Williams, without a car. Do you have any recommendations for trails/treks I could do with the use of train/local bus? I am game for 6-7hrs walking.
I have been to the Highlands before, but always had a car, which is not an option this time, and I would love to hear your tips. Thanks
I walked the West Highland Way ten years ago, and really loved the final leg between Kinlochleven and Fort William, so I would recommend at least part of that route backwards! I stayed in Fort William for a couple of days after and didn’t do more treks because I needed to recover a little, but had a nerdy good time taking the train to Mallaig for a scenic lunch and back – it’s the route to Hogwarts from the HP movies, over the Glenfinnan Viaduct, and absolutely beautiful.
Shout out to the Gods of Good Hair and Good Timing. I have been blessed with good hair, but not good second-day hair. But today, when I had an early Zoom hearing and got up late, and then was told as I was getting into the shower 35 minutes before the start that I should take point rather than observe at the hearing, I discovered that today is one of the very rare days when my hair looked camera-ready without wetting or washing it. Small wins. I will take them all.
TAKE THE WIN!!
Can I get a collective prayer to St. Anthony? Cannot find my purse ANYWHERE. Chemo brain on top of my normal abstractedness is such a mess.
Just said one for you. It always works!
call me and tell me aboit it and you’ll find it!
Tony, Tony, come around! Something’s lost and must be found!
In the meantime, here’s a story from my vacation: My friend and I were standing outside our hotel in Paris (Hotel Angleterre, former British Embassy ca. 1776, highly recommend) waiting for my husband to get his coat out of the room. A vintage Jaguar sedan pulls up and parks right in front of us. A 50-something couple gets out. He’s tall and American and self-confident, she’s French and quite chic. Before she’s even out of the car, she’s saying “Gary! Gary! I don’t have my handbag!” Gary rolls his eyes and says “you’re kidding me!” Mme. Gary says “No! I don’t have it!” Meanwhile Gary is thinking “oh my Lord I moved to France to marry this woman and this is what I have to put up with!” and he tells her to call the place they just left, which she does, speaking rapid and distressed French while he continues to roll his eyes and cursorily inspect the trunk of the car. At that point my husband shows up and we have to leave, without geting an answer to the burning question: Who is the bad guy here?
Is it Gary, for being so huffy and puffy and condescending?
Or is is Mme. Gary, for being so flighty and irresponsible and annoying that this lost phone finally pushed him over the justifiable edge?
Alas, we will never know…
Heh. Lost handbag.
The lost phone belonged to my husband, later in the week, but that’s another story…
This story! I love it. Thank you.
Oh and also you’re back! Welcome back! I hope it was wonderful. I’m so sorry about the lost phone.
Spoiler alert: It was found, after his assistant did “find my phone” all the way from California. Heh.
Thank you! Purse is found as of 5:37 PM EST, so it was clearly your combined efforts. (It was hiding devilishly on the floor of the car.)
Thank you thank you.
Thank heavens I am only seeing this now that the purse is found. Otherwise I would have been as invested as I was in the Twitter bowls.
After this weeks weight threads… I want to put out here that if there is any issue with this site it is not what people write about, but how they write it.
Pile-ons are always lamentable, but nothing gets to me more than when people latch onto a named user who got piled on, and keep it up for days. Some anon this morning had to keep attacking the piled-on OP from Thrusday personally, again. Really?!
Diana I hope you just let this blow over and continue to write. It is irrelevant where I land on the issue you posted about – I hope so much you and others like you do not disappear and this place’s commentariat doesn’t devolve permanently into anon pile-ons.
After many years as Anon I finaly chose a handle after a different named user started getting attacked by anons days agter her posts. After this week’s debacle, I am going to commit to using my handle more consistently.
I get that some topics are sensitive and wildldy triggerimg for a lot of people. Weight is only one among many. But if someone can’t make their point without viciously attacking others (ex. calling people sh*tty moms or literally posting they hope another poster doesn’t have children)… Yeah it’s not just the topic, if you are not this kind in general, then this subject is affecting your mental health to a visible degree, don’t take it out on others, go get help instead.