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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Colette High-Rise Crepe Bias Pant

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A woman (bottom half of body shown) wearing burgundy pants, a matching top, and sandals

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I’ve been looking for the perfect pair of burgundy pants to wear this fall, and think I may have struck gold with these crepe pants from Vince. I love a crepe fabric for a comfy but still pulled-together office look, and as someone who gave up wearing heels to the office years ago, the 31” inseam is perfect for me to wear with flats.

I think these would look lovely with a camel blazer, but I’m trying to branch out into some more adventurous color combinations, so I’m planning to try them out with a pale pink sweater or a fuchsia blouse. 

The pants are $368 at Vince and come in sizes XXS-XL. They also come in four other colors.

Sales of note for 9/11:

378 Comments

  1. Burgundy is hard. This looks to me like it has gotten too muddy / brown. I like a burgundy of the early 90s lipsticks.

    1. The muddy/brown color is everywhere right now. It seems to be the color that’s in style.

    2. I’m a huge fan of burgundy whenever I can find it (it’s just a neutral to me) but these pants aren’t quite it.

      1. I have a pair of burgundy pants from AT that I bought a few years ago, and they are the perfect color. They go with everything and have more brightness than this pair. Unfortunately, they are too small for me at the moment, and it’s such a bummer!

      2. olive, gray, tan, black and white patterns, baby blue, white, navy and white patterns, column of color

        2. I like pink with burgundy. Also I just treat it as a neutral and wear it with pretty much everything.

      2. Navy, black, gray, hunter green (maybe, would need to see them next to each other in person), something in the beige/gold/cream realm, many prints that would pick up the burgundy, I have a medium-wash chambray top that I think would even work…

      3. navy, camel, gray, white, black….lots of things. I love burgundy pants, they’re a workhorse in my wardrobe.

      4. A lot— I usually pair with a navy or fuschia, but have seen great pairings with golden yellow and purple

    4. This would look great in an episode of The Americans (mid-80s)? I would also need a c*cktail, longer hair (but with center part, so current), and maybe a cigarette? But that with a silky button-up would be divine. Maybe with some kork-ease wedges or Famolaros?

    5. Love my Vince pieces. They are really well made. I like burgundy with cream and all the earth tones. And warm grey. As you can tell I am an Autumn.

  2. Do you have a neuroma or problem feet? I’m currently having a comfortable day in Hokas with a metatarsal pad under the problem foot. I need a dramatic rethink to my business formal work shoes (not every day, but weekly in formal meetings that are appropriate to that setting). Where should I be looking for shoes with generous toe room to accommodate the pad on one side or enough thick supportive soles to not murder my feet? I don’t want to go straight to SAS like my grandmother and I sadly care a lot about looking good (and also not looking old). I’ve donated the skinny heels and am restarting with one pair of flats that have some age on them (but otherwise work).

    1. If you’re trying to avoid going straight to SAS, see what you can find from ABEO, Vionic, and Rangoni Firenze.

    2. Does anyone have IRL experience with the Ann Mashburn flats (with a wee heel)? The Ferragamo Varas are a hair narrow for one foot and the Varina (comes in wide) is too flat. And at their price, would need to be perfect. The Talbots clones are too narrow this year (not in prior years).

      1. Yes, I love those Ann Mashburn buckle flats, comfortable and great quality. I don’t have the foot problems described though so can’t speak to that.

    3. I wish that platforms would come back for pumps, but just a hair, so we could have a thicker and more supportive shoe under the toe. I do not need those crazy stripper heels with platforms, just maybe 1/4″ of sneaker-style foam hiding in a slight platform.

    4. I had three neuroma surgeries and I regret the loss of pretty shoes all the time. Even the flats I have that accommodate pads make me sad. Some of my chunkier heel Fluevogs are still okay if I don’t have to walk several miles—but that brand is notorious for not accommodating inserts or pads. The Bottega Vanetta Allegra pump has a wide toe box that might work for you: https://www.bottegaveneta.com/en-us/women-collection-us/women-shoes/pumps

      The usual suspects (Naot, Clarks) are just too casual or unremarkable. Calla shoes have wide toe boxes but I have no personal experience with them.

      Empress are accommodating and reasonably cute for a meeting shoe.
      Right now, everything is a flat, except the boot: https://empressaustralia.com/collections/boots.

      It’s hit or miss which Vivaia’s will take inserts or toe pads but the quality is not great. They have some decent options for a formal work meeting. https://www.vivaia.com/category/heels-c_432.html

      This substack about foot shape shoes and barefoot shoes offers this list of wide toe boxed shoes and comes from the perspective that formal shoes in this style, and generally dressy shoes that accommodate inserts or pads, are really hard to find. https://beyondbarefoot.substack.com/p/a-list-of-dressy-wide-toe-box-shoes

  3. My holy grail sweatshirt was the Forever Fleece quarter zip sweatshirt from Athleta, which I don’t see on their website anymore (at least in Canada). I basically live in these WFH in the winter so I want to pick up a couple more colours. The problem is finding a replacement has basically been impossible!! I am looking for a sweatshirt that fits this description:

    -Quarter zip or half zip
    -No hood
    -Not cropped
    -Not slim fitting
    -No weird dolman or puffy sleeves
    -Fits a size 18
    -Reasonable price

    Any suggestions? I’ve looked at all the typical retailers and have struck out (Old Navy, Gap, Lululemon, etc). Note that there’s no Target in Canada.

      1. I love my Spanx quarter zip. I machine wash in cold water then hang dry. It’s in great shape with no pilling.

      1. Thank you, that looks great! Never shopped there but I think there is a Mountain Warehouse where I am.

    3. Have you tried Poshmark? So much secondhand Athleta on there! Aritzia and Skims may also have what you’re looking for.

      1. I did check Poshmark but there was hardly anything in my size (Canadian Poshmark is separate from the American one).

    5. I’m a size 18 and my absolute favorite is the peter millar flora knit half zip pullover. It’s not really a reasonable price, but I love it so much. It is a slight dolman, but somehow its really flattering. I do also like the LL bean ones. they have a quilted quarter zip and the cloudsoft half zip.

    8. did you look at the Bounce Fleece Half-Zip Pullover Sweatshirt from old navy? it’s not quite as long as the athleta version but it’s not cropped. Otherwise the Loft Lou & Grey Scubasoft Half Zip Top

  4. Suddenly, at 67, my post-menopausal body is sweating like crazy, and my typical deodorant is just not cutting it. I’ve tried the Secret Clinical Strength – anything stronger out there that works for my sweaty sisters?

    1. I have periods when I sweat heavily—not sure there’s a deodorant that can combat that. I think in that scenario you just let the body do its thing.

    2. You can get a prescription from your doctor. They may also run some tests since sweating can be a symptom of some things, but even if it’s nothing, the prescription strength antiperspirant can help.

    5. My athlete pubescent son was rough smelling-in error I bought arm and hammer baby powder solid once, and miracle! it worked

    7. make sure you’re getting all the old deodorant off — there’s a charcoal scrub you can get from Pacifica maybe that is just for underarms. +1 to applying at night.

  5. For an overnight international flight (US to Europe) would you rather have a window seat next to someone you don’t know, or sit in the middle section of the plane, next to people you do know? I’m traveling with adult siblings; my siblings want to sit in the middle section where they can seat together. There is one open window seat, and I can’t decide if I’ll get more sleep there or in the middle section with family. I’ve never done an overnight flight sitting next to someone I don’t know. But, my preference for sleeping would definitely be window seat. We are in economy so not a fancy business class situation (I wish it were!).

    1. I’d pick window bulkhead if it’s available – then if you need to get up for the restroom, you aren’t disturbing sleeping people. And if your family is chatty but you prefer max sleep, you’re free to conk out!

      If not, I’d pick an aisle seat in the middle section ideally next to seats that are already taken (like, a couple is in Left Aisle and Middle, leaving Right Aisle open) since they are more likely to climb over each other than over you.

      1. This is good advice.

        I have to put my feet up a bit, though, so bulkhead is actually way more uncomfortable for me than a window seat where I can somehow curl up leaning against the window.

        Also, YMMV if you’re one of those travellers who have to get up frequently. Then, aisle seat in the middle section.

    2. Window. I only do middle next to my husband. Other family members are not going to put an arm around you and make that seat comfortable.

      1. maybe I’ve been too immersed in my rom com books and media, but this comment made me simultaneously laugh and happy sigh. Like “put and arm around you and make that seat comfortable” is on my rom com heroine’s list of the qualities of a perfect mate.

    3. I would want the middle together. I don’t really like sitting next to people I don’t know, and if I travel by myself I always take the aisle seat. I think this is very personal though.

    4. I absolutely don’t want to sit next to people I know, on an international flight. I suppose that reflects that it’s rare that I’m any flight with someone I know, much less family.

      So it would be window seat for me.

    6. Window. I can’t sleep in a middle seat. I travel for work and frequently nap in my window seat next to strangers. Wear a sweatshirt and pull the hood over your eyes.

      If your family is like mine they’ll spend the whole flight asking whether you’re awake…waking you up in the process… once you finally get to sleep.

    7. Window all day long (or all night long as the case may be). But then I am often traveling alone, and it never occurred to me to be bothered by sitting next to someone I do not know.

    9. Window because I can’t sleep in the middle. Being by people has never helped either. I might only feel differently in premium economy if the chairs recline more.

    10. I would sit in the middle section with family because I don’t sleep in economy no matter what. But you should sit where you want, my preferences aren’t the relevant thing here.

  6. I’m leaning into cozy Autumn vibes and would love a slouchy, v-neck, cashmere sweater. Any recommendations that won’t break the bank – budget is ideally under $100, willing to buy secondhand. Thanks!!!

  7. I realized that my house clothes are looking rough and would like to replace my pilling joggers and dated furry fleece with something just as comfy but less embarrassing if I step outside. I ordered a set from Spanx, which was fine but not the most flattering and I’ve heard they don’t hold up well. I also ordered a set from Varley which felt too fancy to wear around the house. Is there something in between? I used to be an all lulu person but their new stuff is too trendy for me. I don’t mind paying for quality but I don’t want anything that will be fussy to care for.

    1. Athleta, Old Navy, Gap, and Lou & Grey (Ann Taylor loft) all have good options. I’ve bought my mom some of the Quince sets and she’s reported they wear well and are easy to launder.
      I love my Vuori joggers and they wear like iron, but I’m only 5’3, so they may not work if you’re taller.

      1. I tried some of their stuff when they first became popular but it did not seem well made. Has that changed? That is more the look I think I want, just a plain straight leg or baby wide leg with a quarter zip.

        1. I mean, I think it’s overpriced for what it is, but that describes most of athleisure these days!

  8. How would you go about finding a physical therapist who would work with you like a personal trainer? 1:1 attention not “intake then come in and do exercises with the masses”

    1. I’ve seen better and worse PTs, but this is the only kind of physical therapist I’ve ever seen.

      1. I should say, I don’t know how to find one besides gathering recommendations, but you’re totally reasonable to expect 1:1 attention the entire appt time. That is normal.

    2. You’re going to look for concierge or cash-pay physical therapy.

      Often, insurance reimbursements are so low that PTs see several patients at once, or have a PTA work with patients on specific exercises while the PT roams around the room.

      Warning: some cash-pay PTs can be unscrupulous. They won’t refer you out when you need it; they won’t discharge you when you’re healed. Without oversight form an ortho, and with a strong incentive to keep you paying, they will just keep you on until you get fed up with them. (I had this situation and it was brutal.)

      1. I’ve always used insurance and have never dealt with split attention like this. Sometimes the PTA has worked with me on exercises while the PT did something on the computer, but I’ve never been left alone to my exercising or found myself exercising with other patients.

        Maybe my form is just that bad!

    3. I’ve never been to a physical therapist who did group work. The very point of a physical therapist is 1:1 attention.

      Ask your doctor for a referral.

    4. When my daughter did PT she had a PT assistant who was spotting maybe 2-3 people over an hour and people weee packed in tighter than any gym I’ve been at.

    6. This is the only way I have ever experienced PT.

      It is somewhat common for them set me up and tell me to do x number of reps or continue the exercise for a set number of minutes, then go and do the same for their other client before returning to prompt me through the next step. But it’s not like a group exercise class; every part gets 1:1 attention.

    7. I think you’re trying this backward–to get out of the medical system, I would actually look for a trainer who has a strong physiology or PT background, instead of a PT that acts like a trainer. Go find a boutique fitness gym. Also, side note–there are A LOT of PTs who make online content now–you may find that trying a set of exercises on your own for a month or two is a huge help for whatever issue you’re struggling with. (I have terrible posture and online exercises are helping!) GL!

    9. Maybe it’s because I’ve only done PT after surgery or because I had a surgery that is typical of athletes (although I’m not), the only way I’ve experienced PT is individual. There are those kind of stretch practices that might do something similar? Sports PTs who take private clients? What’s the body system you’re trying to rehab? I think cardio PT is more group based, for instance.

    10. responding late but yeah i got the “you’re one of 10 clients right now” even when i was doing self pay.

  9. I got a sharp pain in my lower jaw last week for just a minute and since then that whole side has been ever so slightly tender on and off. I already have a dentist appointment scheduled this week to check it out but has anyone gone through this? I have been lucky to have good teeth until now so I’m freaking out a bit about what to expect.

    1. My daughter has this and she got an antigrinding retainer for at night and it seems to help.

    2. Is/was the pain radiating from under the jaw? If you press there does it hurt? If so, it may the the muscle not the tooth.

      1. It feels like nerve pain but I can’t pinpoint it to one tooth. It’s like a 1/10 and comes and goes.

      1. Very true (remember the Frasier episode where Niles had tooth pain and ended up having heart surgery?).

        Another thing to check is your ears – I’ve had issues with my ears that ended up making my teeth/jaw hurt.

  10. I need to write this out and figure I can entertain everyone else in the process. I’ve gone on 3 dates with a guy from a dating app. I wasn’t sure at first but when we met we got along well, conversation was great, lots of common interests. The thing is I don’t find him that attractive.
    It always takes me a little while to feel like I want to garden with someone new so I was giving it some time, and I’m not a 10/10 here either so I wanted to give it a chance but the feelings aren’t there. I just need to end this right? It’s getting to the point where it’s almost rude not to?
    A part of it is that there are certain types of facial hair I don’t like at all so I’m like he would probs look much better without it. Obviously I would never ever ever say anything to him but its affecting my thought process.

      1. Literally after posting this I realized I was basically looking for permission to break up. Which is something I’ve been working on in therapy – not needing permission for things.

        I do prefer to go a little slow, by which I just mean that nothing is happening on the first 2 dates. But by a third date I’ve given it a chance and yeah should be feeling something.

        1. You got it! Seriously this is what “if it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no” is for.

    2. Yeah, if you don’t wanna make out after three dates, I think it’s safe to conclude that there’s not enough physical attraction.

    3. I wouldn’t say it’s rude to go on 1-2 more dates before deciding, but you sound like you’re trying to convince yourself to keep seeing him – so for that reason and not rudeness, think you should tell him now.

    4. Please don’t date someone you aren’t attracted to. It is really crappy to be on the other end of that.

    5. I mean, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not be ready to go all the way after 3 dates. That’s pretty normal. But you probably should at least want to kiss him by now.

      2. I really get in my head about this. I’m never going to want to have a one night stand or kiss someone the first time. Honestly the best scenario is when the other person isn’t touchy / doesn’t try anything the first couple dates and lets it happen naturally. Then by somewhere in the 3-5 date range I would want to touch/kiss/know if I’m attracted to them. I do tell people that I prefer to take it slow
        and what that means to me.

        This guy also has been more touchy than I would prefer. He did tone it down after I asked him to though.

          2. I met my partner in a language class. Both of us had been planning to stay single but didn’t.

        2. I struggled with this when I was dating. I don’t think three dates is actually that much time in the grand scheme of things, so if you otherwise enjoy hanging out with him and there’s not much physical going on between you two, you can keep seeing him. But, if you actually don’t like hanging out with him very much, then don’t!

          I’d also suggest dating around a bit if you’re on the apps. I found it bought me some time to consider how I felt about specific guys, and that extra time helped separate the signal from the noise, so to speak.

      3. Attraction matters though regardless of when you would actually garden and it’s not there for OP. OP, don’t make the bad choices many here seem to have done and settle for someone because he’s checking a couple of boxes for you but not all of them.

        1. Sure. I’m not an instant attraction person, and it sounds like OP isn’t either. But this also doesn’t sound like a great fit, so I think she should move on!

          1. You should still feel a little fizzy, for lack of a better term, about the person. Not turned off.

          2. I don’t think this is a situation that requires a “should”! What works for you may work differently for another woman.

          3. Hmmm I don’t feel fizzy. I agree that even though I’m not an instant attraction person I’d want to feel something. This may be an example of perfect on paper but not in vibes.

    6. Hahaha the facial hair has given you the ick and in my experience, the ick can never be overcome. Time to break it off.

    7. If you really like him otherwise and want to give it a chance, I’d hook up with him before ending it. Unless you genuinely don’t want to – that is your answer. I think I am a bit more slutty than most posters here, though. To me there is a difference between not finding someone to be very attractive vs not funding them to be attractive at all. I’ve been pleasantly surprised before. :)

    8. I tend towards not finding someone attractive until weeks/months in and I really know them as a person, so this would not alarm me. But this is also why traditional dating never worked well for me! I just don’t find people attractive until I’ve built up some level of trust. If you would expect to feel attraction by now and you don’t, then you should bail.

    9. Okay an even stupider dating question.

      When you’re on a date and he starts touching you more than you’d want, but in dating appropriate ways (hand on lower back/waist, hand on knee, arm over the shoulders etc) what do you do? Just not reciprocate? Say something? Don’t say anything?

      If it was like a rando or someone I didn’t like at all it would be easy to say hey knock it off. But that’s not the situation here. It’s just knock that one thing off.

      2. Say something, “I have a thing about being touched.”
        I tell my husband this sometimes. I know he’s my husband and all that, but I just don’t like being touched generally. I”m not a hugger and the thought of a massage makes me tense.

      3. When it’s someone you’re into, you’ll want this. If you don’t that’s the just break it off sign.

      4. It’s reasonable to state how much physical touch you like. I’m not a physical touch person so I don’t enjoy holding hands or things like that. If someone puts their hand on my back while walking through a crowd or touches incidentally during conversation that would be fine, but I don’t really want to sit with someone’s arm on my shoulder or hand on the leg thing.

      5. For me at least, this is how I know if I’m attracted to the guy or not. If I am not, I don’t want him touching me like that; if I am, I enjoy it.

        And I’m definitely someone who takes a long, long time to get physical.

  11. Has anyone done a DIY closet system from one of the big box hardware stores? I had the builder-grade wire shelving in my walk-in closet just completely collapsed on me. (My fault for overloading it with sweaters and blazers, probably!)

    With the long weekend coming up, this feels like a good project to tackle. I’d love a custom solution, but that’s not really in the budget right now. At the moment, I’m looking at the Closetmaid Brightwood system, but I’d love to hear if others thoughts!

    1. I have personally installed both the Closetmaid system and the Container Store/Elfa system for similarly-sized closets. I have also had an Elfa system installed by one of their installers. The installation is almost identical. If you can find your studs, you can install either one of them. Your existing shelves probably collapsed because they were screwed into drywall. Both Elfa and the Closetmaid systems hang everything from a top bar that is much easier to get properly secured to the wall.
      The huge benefits to Elfa, of course, are the number of sizes and accessories that are available and that CS will design the closet, cut everything to length for you and put all pieces in your cart. (I have heard that some HD stores will cut the Closetmaid shelves also. I installed an out-of-the-box system that did not need cutting, so I can’t speak to that.) Have you priced out self-installing Elfa? It was worth it to me to have them design the space. Both systems are worth the time and money and hold up really well.
      Tip: Build in plenty of time to patch and paint your walls after you take out the old shelving. You’ll be grateful every time you open the door.

      1. Pay the container store to install Elfa for you, don’t mess around with this unless you’re experienced at construction.

        1. Very much disagree. Elfa installation is a piece of cake. If you can find a wall stud, operate a drill and follow instructions, you can install Elfa. I have installed 3 Elfa systems and 1 Closetmaid. None have collapsed.

    2. I’ve done it. Go slow, measure and level very, very carefully. A tiny deviation from level will have it looking janky. It is tedious but well within the grasp of a detail oriented person.

    3. I did my own buy laying out the whole closet, using masking tape to mark out where shelving and hanging racks would go, finding studs and marking them, counting up how many brackets, standards, and headers I needed, then purchased the individual components and hardware from my local big box store.

      Cost savings was significant over any packaged solution. The largest investment was time spent planning. I did a ton of staging and measuring. I wanted to ensure my sweater storage boxes to make sure they fit between the brackets the way I intended, and that my hanging clothes had enough space without being smushed, etc. Results were fantastic, would not hesitate to do this again.

      1. If you are handy, this is the way. Other tips – I’m a big fan of using Ikea dressers over any of the premade dresser like items sold by closet companies. The hemnes (sp?) line is great.

    4. I love Elfa systems. The combinations of drawers, shelves, shoe racks, etc. are good and it’s very easy to rearrange since there is only one piece that is attached to the wall. Kids’ closets became teen closets which became young adults’ closets. My closet included a jewelry drawer with dividers. We had CS design it and did the install ourselves. The only item that is tricky to install is the one attached to the wall. Everything else is very DIY.

    5. If you have fewer studs in the wall than you’d like (critical for supporting heavy closet rods — they should be able to handle a serious load) then the Elfa system is great. Allows you to attach the supports everywhere you have a stud and then add rod space or shelf space as you please, vs traditional systems where the little support arms (which you should put in studs) might therefore be in suboptimal locations for how you want to store things.

      2. The top rail + upright standards are available outside of prepackaged and overpriced systems, too.

    6. I installed the Ikea closet system. I used their online tool to plan out the closet, got a list of all the right parts, and then took some time to mark and level things before drilling holes. It has held up very well for over 5 years now, and it is far more functional than the builder grade wire shelves. Ikea is significantly cheaper than the Elfa system if cost is a concern, but it is a time sink.

      I went with Ikea for my second closet as well, but I decided to hire someone (3rd party) to install it for me. It went okay-ish, but they left dry wall holes and the installation is messy. I would not hire it out if I had to do it again – or I would go with CS so they could plan and measure correctly and install their own product.

    7. I had the same thing happen, and it was actually pretty cost effective to look in my local area for independent closet builders. Much cheaper than one of the bigger suppliers. I considered doing it myself with ikea but I wasn’t really confident in getting the custom elements I do have right.

    8. my husband put in whatever lowes’ had 10 years ago when we moved in. it needs a thorough cleanout but i love the customization. we did lots of long shelves so i could keep my bags and shoes, broken up by hanging rods at different heights.

  12. I am looking for recommendations for high end resorts in Turks and Caicos for March. I will not have kids with me so would prefer not to go to a resort that has a reputation for being family friendly.

    1. Even resorts not “family friendly” will likely have kids there in March. That said, maybe Seven Stars?

      1. +1 that any resort that’s not expressly adults only will have kids in March, although I think Seven Stars is pretty family-friendly. I know several families who’ve been and they have a kids club.

        Turks only has one adults only resort and it’s not good (Club Med). There are other islands with much better adults only options. If not having kids around is a priority, I suggest looking at adults only properties on other islands or at least going at a different time of year.

        1. I’m fine with kids being around – I like kids! – just don’t want to go somewhere that is full of kids. I’m not looking for adults only, just a resort that is relatively chill and relaxing.

      2. I’ve never stayed at Como Parrot Cay, but I’ve stayed at another Como property and it was truly lovely.

  13. I fell into a bad rut of not doing much thanks to depression and some hormonal issues. I started HRT about 2 months ago and am feeling a lot better, like the clouds have parted a bit. I’m still finding it kind of tough to break out of my routines and do things that are more enjoyable than scrolling. Any thoughts/ideas on how to hold myself accountable? Specifically, I want to spend more of my free time doing things outdoors, working out regularly instead of sporadically, and reading instead of scrolling. Fall weather may help with the outdoors part.

    1. Get a brick. It has been a game changer for me after trying to cut back on the scrolling for years.

      1. 100% this.

        Also, for reading – make sure you are picking books you like without judgement! Treat yourself to a little bookstore haul and then get a holds list going at the library so you can abandon books without the guilt of paying for them. I love my Kindle + the Libby app for reducing the friction of borrowing books, plus being able to read in the dark before bed.

        1. I got really into romance novels a few years ago and read so much more now. Also audiobooks are great for keeping my mind busy while either exercising or doing house and garden chores.

    2. I have found it helpful to plan out and to think of it as doing things I like. I’m not “not scrolling”, I’m planning a walk in the park. Also, planning ahead reduces the mental load of “better take a walk after work today”, which I find is a huge burden to me. It takes a little while. And even a 10 minute walk is worth it because it helps get you into the routine.

      For reading, I’ve found that starting a physical book in a new location helps. Honestly I’ve taken to starting new books at a bar with a glass of wine, and then once I’m hooked I’ll keep reading.

    3. Make specific weekend plans – inside of “go outside,” try “park in Lot A at State Park B and do the loop trail.” Follow up your hike with lunch at a cafe with a book. You need to get back into the groove and get reminded of why you like the outdoors and reading – they’re so much more fun than scrolling! It’s like a muscle and will get stronger the more you exercise it.

      Also, remove apps from your phone and/or passwords from your saved logins.

    4. For working out, the first thing is to find an activity you like. I like the variety of doing exercise videos at home. I use videos from Fitness Blender and Monika Fit on YouTube. I started doing 2-3 workouts a week just to get consistent with the habit. I also have to work out first thing in the morning or I’ll find a million reasons to not get it done during the day.

      If you want to combine exercise with getting outdoors, maybe you can start with taking a walk and then combing back and doing some stretches.

      For reading, I download books via the Libby app and read them on my Kindle. If you really want to lock down scrolling, then get a Brick to lock yourself out of social media apps.

      I’m someone who has to start small instead of making a bunch of changes at once. Try to do work in one habit regularly before adding on another one.

    5. I try to take a vacation from scrolling, going off it completely for a week works wonders. But I usually only do it on vacation to be honest.

    6. Might not work for you, but I find just turning on the TV as background when I’m putzing around the house works wonders for cutting down on scrolling. Not streaming, but old school live TV.

    7. Not to be glib but: a brick keeps me off my phone. A dog makes me walk at least a mile a day. A book club keeps me accountable for reading. It took time to build those habits (obviously don’t get a dog just to have a walking partner) but the short answer is you have to schedule it, make yourself accountable somehow and then make it routine. Good luck! Glad you’re feeling better.

  14. I need a pair of black work flats for this fall. I’d like something that has more substance than a ballet flat (or more padding, at least) but isn’t quite as hefty as a loafer. Any ideas?

    1. I know feelings about these are mixed here but I have yet to find a more structured or padded flat than the Sarah Flint Natalie. I would prefer a plain toe but I have two pairs and they are my most worn shoes.

      1. How wide or narrow does the toe box run and does it feel padded? That is where my feet struggle in shoes. Too crowded in the toe area.

        1. I have a very narrow foot so maybe not the best judge of this. Knowing you want space I would recommend Margaux. They are not quite as nice but still padded and they come in wides.

    2. I got this (Naturalizer Flexy) and they’re very comfortable and enough padding for my problem feet.

      https://www.google.com/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChsSEwj81_SAlsuWAxW4NggFHfAXFhwYACICCAEQLhoCbWQ&ae=2&aspm=1&co=1&ase=2&gclid=CjwKCAjwzNTUBhAjEiwA7zcvWkvhtJUKLI3jfzaG_W_w5O_s2dYdfC467Pd-kH71gZw3M3vFPu-WVxoCcjEQAvD_BwE&cid=CAASWeRoMBrboClLlP6GvaKqIo-NEPjclQjpElCzXSjNpSXCwsFrIX9TpQEplWLcVXFU1H8f2P3uqStxvUuE5-hXzH5YHm3dslhPiaFU-QTYgc9_gO8ttDn4LUKa&cce=2&category=acrcp_v1_35&sig=AOD64_3MHc4d-ypZ-_fZdXEMz4KMMasQyg&ctype=5&q=&nis=4&ved=2ahUKEwifsO2AlsuWAxUCrokEHSp9JEsQ5bgDKAB6BAgLEAs&adurl=

    3. I have some Cole Haan skimmers. They have different styles each season. Low heel, moderately pointy toe.

  15. My best friend from my 20s moved across the country 1.5 years ago to my state. We are both in our early 60s, divorced and still working full time. I thought this was going to be great since we were both in the same situation and it has been nice to always have someone to do stuff with, although I do have a full life already with my grown kids, rest of family here, many friends and while I am extroverted I do enjoy my alone time.

    Well, at this point I am so sick of seeing her! Just about everything she does grates on my nerves and I feel resentful that I am the only person she knows here and relies on my for everything. I have seen her every weekend since she moved here except this weekend when I finally lied to her and said I wasn’t feeling well so couldn’t do anything just so I could have a weekend to myself, but then spent the weekend ruminating on how resentful I was to have had to lie just to get a weekend to myself. And the only reason I was able to force myself to do this was because we are going away for the Holiday weekend coming up and I am dreading it, so I knew I simply could not see her this weekend and next weekend.

    The other thing is that her choices and decisions are so bad that I find it incredibly frustrating. Her life decisions, financial decisions, and her kids and family (even from across the country) all create so much chaos and while it doesn’t affect me directly, thank goodness, I am at a point in my life where I do not want chaos of any kind in or around my life.

    I don’t know what to do about this. She would be very hurt if I told her we need to see each other less and I know then she would just be waiting for me to make plans with her. I have stopped inviting her to every social plan or family event or vacation and that helps a bit with the resentment and I just avoid mentioning these things to her.

    The things I do recognize that are contributing to this is that I am a people pleaser and that familiarity breeds contempt, but while I recognize this I just don’t know what to do with that information. I am thinking about therapy to help.

    Any advice or words of wisdom?

    1. This is a little hard on her: “while it doesn’t affect me directly, thank goodness, I am at a point in my life where I do not want chaos of any kind in or around my life.”

      You said it doesn’t affect you directly, so let it go. Her chaos is her own ballgame. You can cut down on plans or be busy with other things to but don’t throw away a lifelong friendship because someone else’s life runs differently from yours.

      1. I don’t think this is a fair take. It is taxing to be next to toxic, and it’s okay to acknowledge that.

        1. Maybe it depends how bad it is? People live all kinds of ways. I don’t know all that many people who aren’t sowing any seeds they may someday regret.

          1. I think you’re right, and I think all of us bring the lens of what “dysfunction” meant in our childhoods to bear. I have relatives who drank their way into foreclosures and jail, and that level of dysfunction is obviously different than having relatives who didn’t work out very much and weren’t super mobile by 65. These sorts of questions are Rorschach tests.

        2. If it’s actually toxic – maybe OP is just being judgmental because this woman has crossed into BEC territory for her.

    2. Are you the type of person who internalizes other people’s issues? I’m wondering if that’s what is making this such a burden on you (instead of letting it all be like water off of a duck’s back.)

      1. OP here: I don’t know if I am the type of person who internalizes other people’s issues, but this situation makes me think I am. But if so, what do I do about that?

        1. this was me and meditation helped me – meditation was the brain training so that I could catch myself doing it in the moment (starting to get anxiety over other peoples chaos that had nothing to do with me), and then repeatedly telling myself that it’s okay to be okay while others are not.

        2. Honestly, you limit contact and you redirect conversations.

          It probably will be healthy for her to have friend dates that revolve around something other than talking endlessly about her own chaos, and if that’s what you can offer, there is value in that.

    3. You aren’t obligated to include her in all of your plans! Normally I’d say just stop agreeing to see her every weekend but the people pleasing tendencies sound extreme. What about a recurring joint activity instead? Saturday morning yoga class, Sunday farmers market, etc. You can see her for a limited amount of time and while doing something you enjoy.

      1. This is what I have been doing, but usually afterwards she wants to do something, like get something to eat. And this weekly activity is just adding to my resentfulness, since it is still every weekend.

        1. You can just say, “no I can’t today. I’ll catch up with you later.” in a friendly way – that’s a complete sentence.

          I am very empathetic that it might seem rough to begin with when your friendship norms haven’t been that way before, but I promise that it’s better than doing things with resentment and it will be okay.

        2. Set better boundaries. Just because she asks doesn’t mean you have to say yes. You don’t need to lie to her, you don’t need to come up with reason she will find acceptable, just kindly decline.

          “No, farmer’s market with you was lovely and I need to go. See you next week!”

    4. I had a friend like this and I ended up having to do a slow fade on her. It’s really hard when someone else wants to see you more than you want to see them AND their life choices are hard to watch. My resentment and frustration grew over time and I found I just had to put some distance between us. Subtle hints did not work with her.

      I realized she would never give me the space I wanted so I was going to have to do it myself, and she was not going to like it. I just stopped initiating plans. I was pleasant when she reached out but tried to be less available.

      She will be hurt when you start putting space between the two of you, but the other option is that you see her more than you want to and become increasingly resentful (and probably explode or say something you’ll regret!). Good luck. It’s not an easy situation!

    5. regarding the plans – Definitely prioritize some alone time, and you can tell your friend that you need alone time without specifically telling her that it’s about her. I definitely tell my best friend variations of “omg I’m so crabby/tired/frustrated/over-peopled I can’t stand myself, I am taking this weekend to talk to NO ONE” – even though that includes her, it’s not personal to her.

      1. This can definitely work when it’s what’s happening! I take weekends like that sometimes.

        I have run into more trouble when it’s more that I want to have “more than one friend” or do social things that the needier friend doesn’t enjoy or feels they can’t access (like hiking if it’s physically hard for them or watching a movie that has subtitles if that’s not their thing). I think it makes them feel like I like the activity more than I like them personally, or that I like the other friend more.

        To me it’s more that I just want a variety of people and activities in my life! And I’m very lucky that I currently have a spouse and a large family of origin with strong family ties, so I think I’m not looking for as much support and security and frequent interaction from other relationships (and that I’m going to get peopled out much faster).

        1. I can’t tell from your posts – have you just went about your plans without trying to include her on all of them?

          Or have you done that and she is making comments like she is sad or wishes that you had invited her when you do the things with the other friends?

          because if she’s not making comments, then it sounds like this is more about you/your peope-pleasing/thinking you need to manage her entire friendship experience (when you don’t – I get that it feels like you do – but you don’t).

          If she is making comments, then it’s more about her and it’s an adjustment of how you approach things with her.

          1. OP here: I usually include her in all my plans, but lately have not been. Then I do not tell her when I do something she was not included in, so she doesn’t know about it, so she is not making comments.

            So I guess this is more about me.

          2. It would be good to parse out for yourself is why you included her in ALL your plans (including weekends, vacations, family stuff) for a year and a half. That’s . . . a lot. Whatever it was that caused you to go all in with this friend in that way is also causing you to feel bad now, as you try to readjust.

          3. The good news is that you can work on this yourself without blowing up your friendship. Which is the fellow people-pleasing part of me seeing that as a benefit. :)

            I think that sometimes we’re so hard on ourselves during transitions, and we don’t let transitions be tricky/weird or we expect ourselves to adapt much faster than is reality. I bet that it’ll get easier as she lives there longer and develops more of a community, and eventually you’ll be able to discuss what you guys are doing separate from each other without feeling weird about it. But it’s okay to just not talk about it in the meantime, that can be a boundary that you have to make it easier for yourself.

          4. I agree. I don’t even want to include my PARTNER in all my plans on weekends – no wonder you’re resentful! It’s totally OK to skip weekends, say no, and say you’re taking some introvert time.

    6. It sounds like she is fine, but a Stage 5 clinger. In that case, even though you are retired, can you just be “busy” and schedule some things with her but leave your scheduled items as the extent of it? And then put some solo or other-group things on your calendar. If you’ve lived where you are for a long time, surely you have friends to see and places to be? And if not, you could (unless she lives on your block and has joined your church and your YMCA and golfs, etc.). Or could, theoretically (oh, I was saving Tuesday morning to try golf / go on the greenway / pedicure / see Mitchell / grab a bite with my cousin). But you don’t explain, you are just busy or have plans or “promised Sam I’d go see him in his city that day” if you get pressed or flustered. Start having a petimeter.

    7. Maybe some version of actually telling her you’re going to spend less time with her. Like “I’ve been so busy caught up in the excitement of having you here that I’ve neglected other things (family, work, home, etc) and need to get back to them so realistically I won’t be available as much anymore.”

      Is there any way to tell her or is doing the slow fade the move? Idk.

      1. I like this. It’s honest but sets expectations. The only thing I would change is “…and other things, including myself”.

    8. My love. You are in your 60s. You are a big girl! Say no much more often. You do not need to lie just say not this weekend. Pls I am begging you just do it. No one is coming to save you from yourself.

    9. Stop including her in all your plans!

      Seriously. You need to reset the expectations here, and you cannot do that if you are inviting her to everything you do!

    10. I would offer you another perspective. I don’t think it is fair to lay all of the resentment at her feet. You are an adult with autonomy over your time and your energy. You elected to agree to spend so much of you time and energy with and on this friend in the last 1.5 years. If you have come to a place of resentment, you are as much to blame (or more so) than your friend in this regard. I would spend some time turning inward and thinking about why you permitted this situation to bring you to a place of resentment. At any time, you could have made different choices, but you did not. Analyzing why that occurred may be fruitful for you moving forward. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds complex.

      1. I agree with this. While it’s challenging, I’ve had much better results with getting through conflicts when I acknowledge that sometimes I’m the problem or I figure out how my actions contributed to a dynamic.

    11. First, are her own choices bad or just not choices you would make? Because honestly, it sounds like you’re being very judgmental. So your friend has lived her life in a way you wouldn’t. And? Has she forced that on you? She may find your people pleasing annoying too.

      Have you encouraged her to find activities that are interesting to her? Groups? It sounds like she doesn’t know anyone else so why don’t you support her finding new activities and go with her so she has a safety net until she’s comfortable instead of integrating her into your activities by choice and then resenting her for doing what you invited her to do.

    12. I’m extremely extroverted and two of my best friends for 10+ years and 20+ years respectively are much more introverted than me. I am pretty much always up for hanging out with them, I frequently invite them to do things, I’m often the one who initiates catch-up calls, etc. We live a short flight away now, so this looks more like one of us visiting the other 1x-2x/year (alternating who goes), texting a few times a month, and a catch-up call/FaceTime every 4-6 weeks.

      I also respect boundaries, and I’m self-aware enough to know that I’m a lot, so I try to take the hint when they signal that they need space.

      But sometimes, subtle hints don’t work. So they just tell me, “I’ve had too much time with people this week, so I’m taking the weekend to chill by myself”, or “can’t make it to that, maybe [specific activity on specific date] instead?”, etc.

      Sometimes they just say they’re not around for the time or activity I propose, and offer an alternative, and that works. At this point, we’ve been friends for long enough that we can be honest with each other, and I know I’m the most, I know they’re not the most, and so it’s much better for everyone for them to just decline or propose an alternative than to force themselves to hang out as much as I want to hang out.

      You might also encourage her to hang out with any of your friends that she’s met that she gets along with, outside of hanging out with you as well. The two friends I mentioned above now live in closer proximity to each other than to me, and they hang out with each other probably 2-3x/year. For a while, they would both mention it to me, almost as if they were asking for permission to be friends with each other, since they were each my friend first.

      I think it’s great when my friends become friends, but it can be a little sensitive if it feels like any of “your” friends are now pairing off in their own group. So maybe make it explicit that it’s fine for her to be friends with your friends as well? If she invites you and [mutual friend], just say you can’t make it, but that the two of them should enjoy the activity together.

  16. Does anyone’s family travel for Christmas? My parents really want to be away for Christmas this year but how does this even work with the kids? Do you schlep the gifts? do you tell the kids no gifts? Do you go out to dinner? Do you have to rent a house or do you attempt the whole thing in a hotel room? The idea of air travel involving passports with a 10 and 5 year old seems really daunting but my parents hate driving more than a few hours and would want to be somewhere warmer than New York. Any recommendations?

    Also do I need to invite my in-laws? They have other family but I don’t think anyone will host them if we don’t.

    Separate question: if we end up staying home (most likely) can someone help this last minute mom NOT have a breakdown over Christmas this year? I honestly hate the prep and stress. Should I start now? Is it already too late?

    1. How old are your kids? My parents would often take us to an all inclusive for Chrismas and we’d do gifts before/after we left depending on when the trip happened in relation to the actual day. I don’t think this would work if your kids believed in Santa but by like age 4 my brother and I had figured it out. It was much less stress for my mom to travel. No meals or planning, just magically appearing food, then a fake tree and some gifts in bags at home.

    2. No you don’t bring kids’ gifts on an international vacation or tell a 10 and 5 year old they are getting no gifts if you typically give gifts! Do your at home “Christmas” another day. I can’t believe you would consider not giving your children Christmas gifts, if this is something your family typically does, because your parents want to travel for Christmas. Where is your husband in all of this?

      1. Ok calm down? I know some families do this and consider the trip to be the gift. I can’t tell if my kids are incredibly spoiled or incredibly not spoiled but they don’t get too excited about the gifts we get them.

        1. Ok, fair enough! Sorry to overreact. I think “the trip is the gift” along with a cool experience there is great for older kids/ teens. I think for a 5 and 10 year old, if that’s not already the family tradition, it’s a harder change. I also wouldn’t let my parents’ wish to travel dictate whether my family did traditional Christmas presents for my kids.

          No offense meant, OP!

          1. Honestly, the “I can’t BELIEVE you’d even consider that” vibe is exactly what I get from every single decision I make while trying to take all the “optional” stress off my plate. Half the board says we moms create all the stress but yours is a very real reaction I feel from relatives. It’s a real how DARE you energy when we actually do opt out.

    3. Yes absolutely! As young kids my parents brought us our stockings and 1-2 small gifts to open to be festive on the day (usually something we could use while there or to be fun for the travel home), but we otherwise did Christmas at home before we left for the trip.

      If you are traveling to a warm resort type destination, there will be Christmas decor there. No one is schlepping a tree to the Caribbean.

      And no, you don’t invite your in-laws.

    4. Why do you need to travel with your parents if they want to travel over Christmas? Why would you think it’s already too late to prep for Christmas at home? It’s too early for me to even think about it yet.

      1. Sorry, they want to be away WITH their grandkids. They wouldn’t go without us.

        I really despise Christmas. It’s a high pressure situation that always leaves me feeling stressed, inadequate and just praying for mid January. The gifts alone bring up really bad feelings of inadequacy and failure and resentment.

        1. Big picture question – how much does the “gifts and cultural trappings” matter to your kids + husband? And, in your perfect world, would your family do *any* of it?

          I think there’s lots of different reasonable things families do around traveling/not traveling etc for the holidays. But it sounds like you’re pretty burnt out and putting a ton of pressure on yourself.

          Get yourself clarity about what *you* want, completely honestly, as if you were the only person in the world, before you try to figure out how to balance your wants & needs with everyone else’s wants and needs.

        2. Any chance they want to take just the kids and you and your spouse can enjoy a solo holiday at home?

          1. Over Christmas? This seems super weird to me. I realize every family is different but my kids at ages 5 and 10 would not have wanted to be away from me at Christmas (nor me away from them).

    5. No to inviting the in-laws (or anyone else, unless you are the one driving the organization of such a trip). If your parents want them to join, let your parents initiate that.

        1. At least clear the extra guest with the people who are organizing the trip!

          I would be at best disgruntled to find out my kid invited her in laws to my holiday trip without running it by me first.

    6. If Christmas prep stresses you out this much, don’t try to follow your parents on their trip. Just let them enjoy being away for the holiday, enjoy a quieter, less intense holiday with your own household, and connect with them after they return.

      1. or alternatively, maybe being away for Christmas is helpful because then you feel less pressure to do some of the things that make you wound up? also, it’s fine to cut down on holiday things – just pick 1 or 2 that you don’t like and maybe that could help too.

      2. +1. My kids are similar age. We do our planning for us first, then work in other family visits/plans around those. If you want to travel with your kids and parents for Christmas, then do it! Bring a stocking worth or 1 surprise gift on the trip to open there, then say the rest of gifts will be opened at home either before or after. If you want to be home, tell your parents you’ll celebrate with them before or after their trip! For stress, I stick to aiming for 3 things on their lists, plus their stocking and some clothes/books. For gifts, I usually take a day off from work in early December and buy myself a coffee and walk around my town/mall and purchase gifts for family and coworkers that don’t have a specific ask this year. I keep track of numbers (they each have 5 boxes to open, for example). The only thing to think about this early is if you want professional photos for a card, you may want to schedule photo shoots for October to get them in time for creating a digital card. I also take a day off when the kids are still in school to do wrapping and watch my fave movies (Family Stone) and relax on my time. It’s about giving to others and caring for those less fortunate than you, try to keep that in focus and the stress of buying things will seem less heavy.

    7. It’s August 31 and you’re asking if it’s “too late” to not have a breakdown over Christmas?

      1. I admit that this was my first reaction too. I literally have not given one ounce of thought to Christmas yet.

    8. Girllllll. You are an adult. Do you and your spouse want to go? If you do, then passports are not that hard. If you don’t, you just say no.

      Christmas is not that hard! If you are having a breakdown every year have you considered that doing something different might be better? Santa can still find you for small gifts and he can also leave large gifts at home. You can stay in a hotel and go out to eat!

      1. I know this is a fair take, but OP, I want to say, you are not wrong about Christmas! It’s such a huge slog of work and then (if you are me) you have a fairy tale ending in mind that almost never occurs. It’s over in 2 seconds, then kids are bored and fight or something else happens and you are just annoyed. My kids are grown but this happened so many years to me and it just took a toll. I love the idea of your parents traveling and you staying home but THIS MIGHT NOT HAPPEN! Your parents may decide to reschedule so that you can come. In that case, I would say, consider traveling at Christmas! We did it a few times and it was actually way less stress for the reasons people have said above. Someone cooks for you. You are dealing with one other family instead of at least two, plus friends etc. You can go chill on a beach and the kids will be occupied, not sniping at each other. I promise, it might be just the antidote you need for “Perfect Christmas at Home”!

    9. This is such a good example of you moms doing too much and then framing out about. You’re in charge of your own life.

      None of this is a problem. If you don’t want to travel over Xmas then stay home. Buy a normal amount of presents (not a million) and cook a simple meal or do takeout or catered. Invite your in laws if you want to

      If your parents want to travel good for them. You can do Xmas when they return.

      1. No my parents absolutely will not go if we don’t. Which means I’m on the hook for Xmas and Xmas eve. The gifts are just too much for me. Everything cost a million dollars and nothing is good enough. I know I should just pick a gift and be ok with it but trust me when I say people have expressed disappointment at the gifts I’ve given and that hurts. Last year it was fancy water bottles for the cousins’ kids “ugh ANOTHER Odwalla?!” And a very fancy sweatshirt for a young preteen relative who apparently gained 100 pounds in a year and was upset it didn’t fit. It hurts when they criticize my house, my kids and my clothes. “Why do you have such a steep driveway?!” Last year i changed because I didn’t look festive enough when my sweet dad showed up in perfect plaid. I forgot to buy an outfit for xmas eve and it just felt awful about myself for not planning ahead. Like I can’t even feel stylish because I’m so worried about whether vegans and gluten free people feel welcome.

        Just have it catered? I do but it’s really expensive for decent catering. I’m not kidding when I say it’s four figures for the 20 or so people I need to have without hurting feelings. Picking it up is an entire event during a working afternoon at a really busy time of year.
        And it still involves strategic heating, serving and decorating and cleaning and the logistics of elderly people needing certain seats. Everyone is walking around going where is the iced tea? You know this elderly man NEEDS iced tea! Why didn’t you get meatballs? Every year the message is that I need to somehow plan better and do better and I can’t seem to do it.

        We can opt out of hosting but then my mil is ends up hosting which is just my husband spending the entire holiday doing all the actual hosting at a cobweb and cat filled home that I’m allergic to. I did spend once Xmas completely alone for this reason and it caused a huge fight.

        1. Do you have a therapist because you need to work through thes family dynamics.

          If you’re unwilling to rock the boat can you take a few personal days to do all the planning and prep?

        2. goodness gracious if I were you, I would just start going on nuclear family vacations for Christmas.

        3. You have terrible relatives. Even as a child, I knew better than to do anything but say Thank you when my dotty aunt presented me with a partially burnt candle as a gift.

          Your house isn’t festive enough? Employ what I like to call malicious agreement – Oh, you’re right, I’m not great at decorating. Can I pencil you in for, say, December 14, for you to come help me decorate? That would be so great, let’s set up an appointment right now.

          Cooking for groups is annoying AF these days with all the special diets. I’d figure out one dish to make vegan (mashed potatoes with olive oil and rosemary, hey, that works for the gluten- free, too), then make what you want and let the special diets fend for themselves. They won’t die if one meal is a little skimpy.

          If teens attend, assign a teen to each elderly person to help them, and at the end of the evening, give them each $10 or some scratchers or something.

          And these people really care how you dress? That’s insane, and I hope you can let it go.

          1. Agree with this!! Also do they not offer to bring something? When I host for 20 people everyone brings at least something! Especially for dietary needs. Anyone who complains is just being a grinch and missing the point of the season!

        4. JSFAMO, but for your family. You are running yourself ragged for people who are rude to you!

          Invite the people you want to Christmas – which can be no one! – and let people get mad. They are adults and you are not responsible for their emotions. I know it’s easier said than done but you deserve a holiday that you actually enjoy.

          1. But at heart, OPs problem isn’t really about the extended family. It’s that her priorities for holidays and her husband’s priorities for holidays don’t align – he really values the extended family get together/cousin time, and that’s a legitimate value too. You can jsfamo your spouse’s desires for holidays. You end up both getting part of what you want: maybe they alternate years, maybe husband takes the kids to Christmas Eve at in-laws and OP stays home alone and then Christmas Day is immediate family only; maybe husband takes on Christmas cooking and OP stops obsessing over whether someone else’s cute plaid outfit was meant as a criticism of her own clothes, but they have to figure this out as a unit. Not OP just declaring “we’re going on vacation with my parents, and not seeing your family”.

          2. I really feel like sometimes part of our role as in-laws is taking the heat for whatever decisions or priorities of our spouse their family decides to blame on us. It doesn’t make it less messed up, but it does make it easier for me to recognize when this is what’s happening.

    10. If your parents want to travel, wish them well and enjoy the day at home with your kids and in-laws. Honestly I feel like if you have a 10 and a 5 year old, it’s past time for you to be doing Christmas at your own home anyway. It can be as hard or as easy as you want. Sit down with your husband and decide what tasks each of you are going to take on (e.g. he is completely in charge of the tree, you are completely in charge of the dinner, you will meet about gifts on X date and make a list and divide up the shopping, etc.). Spoiler alert: Almost all of the Christmas prep and stress is optional and you can opt out and nobody will really care. (Because if they cared, they would be doing it.)
      And of course it’s not too late. Labor Day is a week away so it’s still summer!

    11. Assuming you would like to travel with your parents (yes, you get to decide this), we always did boxing day travel. Christmas morning is still at home but you can take advantage of the slow Christmas to NYE at work.

    12. Own what you want!

      Do you want to travel? Enjoy the warmth. You can do simple presents or a “Christmas morning” with normal-for-you presents before the trip. You don’t need to invite your in-laws. If it would be fun to go with your in-laws, then invite them.

      If you don’t want to travel, tell your parents to enjoy their trip and behave normally.

      It seems like your anxiety is stemming from a ton of “rules” in your mind about Christmas. It is really okay to do what you want. I’ve never done a Christmas card or elf on a shelf. No regrets.

    13. I have an 11yo and an 8yo and a back-to-school to-do list longer than I am tall, but saying this with all the kindness: okay, breathe. It sounds like you have an unconscious and not articulated image of what an ideal ‘family Christmas’ looks like and are having trouble letting go of that.

      It’s a vacation that happens to be over Christmas! Maybe you schlep small gifts and save the big ones for when you get home. Maybe you say, we’re going ziplining through the rainforest / kayaking in a bioluminescent bay / to a Christmas market in a little town in Germany and that is a nice experience gift.

      Also, many, many people fly internationally with their families over the holiday season and it will all be ok. You’re stressed out because it’s not what you’re used to, but I promise that it will very likely be just fine.

    14. My nuclear family of 4 went skiing for several Christmases when we were teens. The trip was our real gift, and everyone brought stock stuffer type things with us for Christmas Day (in our family, kids gave gifts to parents). This was announced in advance, and everyone could plan their gifts and expectations accordingly.
      My parents loved to cook, so we always got a condo with a kitchen and made dinners, but going out would have been fine too. You also can go out for holiday dinner if you decide to stay home instead.

      Gently, you’re overthinking this. Do you want to travel with your parents/is that a good decision for your family? If so, go! If you and your parents enjoy your in-laws and they’re friends, then invite the in-laws. If that’s not the case, let them know your plans now so they can be with other family, friends, or do their own thing (which could include traveling themselves).

      If you stay home and do not want to prep, then go out for Christmas dinner or order it from a restaurant or Whole Foods type of place and be done.

      It’s not too late for anything. Nor does anything need to be “perfect,” whatever that means. Being present with your family is far more important than making everything perfect while you’re stressed.

      1. I know things don’t need to be perfect but I’m consistently told that my gifts and entertaining are inadequate. Unfortunately due to my extreme pet allergies I am bound to host or be alone for holidays. My husband feels strongly that the kids should be with family and will not make them stay home with me if we don’t host. He is a really good cohost but he doesn’t get the pain that the constant criticism causes me. People will say they enjoyed coming but will always have snide remarks about our home or gifts or food.

        Hes not wrong that with my allergies we can’t opt out of hosting and keep the kids away from family There is no nice way to say “oh op didn’t want to host you, couldn’t come to the party you’ve actually thrown AND said we all have to stay home with her” even though that would be my preference.

        1. Can you just load up on antihistamines and suck it up? I’m in a family of a lot of allergies and we only really accomodate the anaphylaxis ones (eggs and peanuts), the rest we take meds and soldier on.

          1. Yeah. I’ve been hospitalized even with antihistamines. My doctor is adamant that I avoid pet homes.

          2. That is WILDLY not how food allergies work. Food allergies are not “anaphylaxis ones” and “not anaphylaxis ones.” Risk changes over time, and random incidental exposure probably ramps up the risk of future anaphylaxis.

            Or do you mean some people have food allergies and other people have dust or cat allergies? Because that distinction is fair. But if you’re talking solely about food allergies, I beg you to discuss with your allergist.

          3. Totally misread your comment. In case it isn’t obvious, I have in laws who think my kid’s cashew allergy isn’t that serious because he’s never actually needed epinephrine, so this is a touchy subject :)

          4. WTAF, no, someone with food allergies cannot just load up on antihistamines and power through. Please educate yourself on how allergies work before your ignorance kills someone.

          5. So for food anaphylaxis everything is free of that allergen for non anaphylaxis food allergies things are labeled and people just don’t eat that stuff but there’s a certain (low) level of expected cross contamination. So for me personally being allergic to milk I won’t eat the mashed potatoes or gravy, but the kitchen doesn’t get sterilized and there’s airborne risk or someone using a wrong spoon. A whisper of milk won’t make me sick, but a notable amount there will be lava coming from my bottom. For environmental allergens (dust, cats, dogs, pollen) people take meds.

          8. I am in fact allergic to milk protein as confirmed by an allergist. Didn’t know we had doctors here?

          9. About 200 people per year die from food allergies in the US. I cannot find a single reported incident of someone dying from a cat allergy.

            Not saying I can’t find one this year. I’m saying I can’t find a single one full stop. Maybe your PubMed search will find a case report from a credible source.

          10. You have an IgE-mediated milk allergy that presents solely as “lava coming from your butt”?

          11. The allergy also comes with hives, puking, and a migraine (depending on amount of exposure). But I don’t die and it is not anaphylaxis. Typically the exposure is pretty small so GI issues are the main symptoms, I haven’t had a ‘full’ portion of dairy in years, the worst it gets these days is a single sip of a bad coffee that I immediately clock and get re-made.

          12. I know this has been a contentious comment section, but please consider discussing this with your allergist, as I think the guidelines have been updated since your last conversation. For example, I’ve been told that anaphylaxis is now defined as two biological systems being involved, even if there’s no breathing difficulties. Hives plus vomiting is skin plus GI. My allergy action plan specifically says to use epinephrine in that situation. I’m not saying yours necessarily would; I’m just saying it might be worth refreshing the conversation with your allergist if you last had it a while ago.

            Again, not your doctor, just reporting that I’m hearing different things from my doctor than you’re hearing from yours.

        2. Gently, therapy. If people are making snide comments about your home, or gifts you’ve purchased, or food that you’ve prepared for them that says WAY more about them than it does about you.
          I know it’s not that simple- I’m in my 40s and last year was the first year I let myself ‘match energy’ around the holidays. If they give us terrible gifts, I give them terrible gifts. If they complain about the food I enthusiastically encourage them to host next time, or to do a potluck, etc. I also decreed that we were only hosting Christmas Eve and everyone would be leaving after brunch – the entire rest of Christmas Day is immediate family only. I have zero guilt about this and I’m done being a punching bag for family.

          1. If I tell them to host, they will. I can’t forbid my husband and kids from being with family. I end up home alone and sad because my pet allergies are severe. The house is filthy enough that I’ll be sad my kids are there. If I make it a pot luck they’ll bring food with cat hair in it and root around in my kitchen looking for ingredients and serving dishes, criticizing as they go. I’m not sure why everyone thinks I have a leverage here that I really don’t have.

          2. You can’t “forbid” your husband and kids from seeing family, but you can switch years – they go one year and you go to a fancy hotel (or a similar thing you want to do) and the next year you celebrate as a nuclear family.

            You keep throwing up all these reasons you HAVE to make yourself miserable every Christmas, but none of them are actually mandatory.

          3. You’re totally right. Spending Xmas away from my 5 and 10 year old and my husband is a non negotiable for me. Spending Xmas in a house that doesn’t causes physical harm to my body is another. I totally own that. I’m willing to put up with a ton of abuse to do those things.

            So yeah, while I admit you are technically correct that I could opt out. But I don’t have the option of just staying home with my husband and kids.

          4. You have the option of having a heart-to-heart with your husband. You do have agency, although you may not like the options.

            Can he not take on the burden of dealing with his horrid family, either by telling them to STFU when they complain about your hosting, or by staying home with you instead of abandoning you on the holiday to hang out in their allergen-filled minefield?

        3. You need to work with a therapist to understand why you are letting these people get to you so badly and accepting that their rude AF comments are some sort of judgment about who you are as a person. As someone already said, they are terrible and ungrateful and they should not be getting this much of your energy. Your husband can’t fix this for you and neither can decisions about what you will or won’t do. You need to work on what the root of this is and develop tools that will help you manage it.

          It does not have to be like this!

        4. You know what? You deserve a nice holiday, too. Not just your parents, ILs, and relatives who do nothing but pick at you. Seriously, this sounds miserable and thankless. I think it would be more than reasonable to stay home with your immediate family on Christmas Eve/Day. If your DH wants to take kids to see the relatives before or after those days, they can have at it.

        5. What on earth? If your husband doesn’t like how you give gifts or entertain, then he is free to take things over himself. If the guests don’t like it, then they are free to stay away. Good Lord.

          Again, I vote for Christmas at home with the immediate family and maybe the grandparents.

          1. Right so like I said my husband can, has and will just take the kids to his mom’s for Xmas and Xmas Eve without me. That is my worst case scenario and I really want to spend these days with my kids.

          4. Yeah, this is sounding more and more like a marriage problem. What kind of decent man leaves his wife alone on Christmas?

        6. I think you are overly personalizing these comments. Another Odwalla? “Good thing there’s a gift receipt so you can exchange it!” Very few people are good at holiday shopping for other people’s kids. The driveway is steep! “Yes, it is!” Where’s the iced tea? “There isn’t any! This is what we have – can I get you anything?” None of these comments are a reflection on you personally. They had a thought about your steep driveway that lasted 10 seconds – no reason to think about it at all, let alone a year later. I don’t really enjoy hosting, either, but I just do my best and ignore the comments. If an elderly person can’t stand up out of my “overly deep” chair and complains about it, I help them up and move on with my life. Trying to please all of your relatives at Christmas is an impossible standard to meet.

          1. I think you also need to do couples therapy. If I wasn’t in agreement, my husband wouldn’t take my kids and leave me alone for the holiday. There is always an option for him to do that on the weekend before or after to visit with his family at their place. This is a decision you make together as husband and wife. If you are unwilling to tell him it makes you miserable or he doesn’t care, you need to work on your communication and relationship.

          2. It’s not an option to do at another time because family is in town that he only sees once per year. That’s why we end up in this situation. It’s crummy but he’s not totally wrong to want to see his family and to want the kids to see them too. It’s pretty toxic to say “hey you all need to stay home because of my allergies” so I do think hosting feels like the best option when the others are being away from my kids or risking my health. So yeah ideally I’d love to be with my parents and kids and husband but that’s not fair to my husband.

        7. YOU are your kids’ family. Knowing nothing else, YOU and your husband are the most important people in your kids’ family. I don’t have kids, but I am actually repulsed that your husband would take himself and the kids to someone else’s house for a holiday and leave you at home because of your medical condition. This is unacceptable.
          I think that getting time with extended family is wonderful, but not if it’s at the expense of their mother to whom the man is married (a different analysis applies to divorced couples who split holidays). You should not be alone and sad on a holiday when you want to be with your family, i.e. your children.

        8. If you don’t want to host and he feels strongly about having the kids with the extended family on Christmas, I’d let him take the kids to the extended family gathering. He may discover that it’s not as much fun when his spouse isn’t there to get picked on by his family.

    15. We’ve travelled internationally the past two Christmases. Instead of bringing gifts, we give our friends the gifts, a box of Christmas decorations, and the key to the house and they come while we are gone and trim the tree and leave presents out. (Our kids still believe in Santa…)
      We tell the kids that we aren’t doing gifts because we don’t want to have to bring them back and forth. But we’re usually visiting family so we come home with gifts anyway, so I try to remember to leave room in the suitcase.
      Our past two trips have been to Asia, and Christmas is not a big deal, so it’s been easy to go out to eat on Christmas. We stay in hotels because that’s just the kind of trip we were planning. Usually there’s one Catholic Church with Mass in English, so we’ll go to that.

    16. We’re Jewish, but traveled over Hanukkah a couple times before when my kid was really little and we schlepped the gifts and the menorah since we were traveling by car. It wasn’t super fun for me as the planner and magic maker, and now I try to schedule our travel around it, which is easy some years and hard other years because the dates move so much. Christmas might be a bit easier because you don’t have to bring the tree. Agree with others saying to just bring a couple of small gifts or lean into experience gifts. This should be easier with school age kids than toddlers.

      5 and 10 are really great ages for international travel and we like traveling at winter break, although we tend to fly on Christmas Eve/Christmas for better flight deals, which I assume you wouldn’t want to do. We have been to the Caribbean a bunch, and last year we went to Europe for Christmas markets, which was a lot of fun.

    17. I would go on the vacation, take a gift or two, and probably rent an Airbnb. Go out to eat for the meal so you can experience Christmas somewhere different. Celebrate with the in-laws some other day.

      As for hosting, I have friends whose families just have a potluck or casual Christmas Eve party for this reason. They do white elephant with their large family and have nuclear Christmas morning with kids separately. It made things so much easier.

      But also, +1 to everyone who said let your expectations go. It’s not a magical holiday experience. Most of us do not remember the year to year holidays. Those kids won’t remember their gifts and neither will yours. But also, it sounds like the teens are old enough to just get cash. Or a gift card. Then they can buy what they want.

    18. Honestly Christmas has always been our family’s favorite time for trips and easiest as kids got older. If Christmas at home causes you stress try a vacation this year. Depending where you’re going will dictate what you bring (presents, traditions etc). One year we were in Australia and gifts had to be bought locally and for under $20. Everyone had a blast!

    19. I used to have a Xmas breakdown every year and now I don’t because I only do the things that I like to do. If I don’t feel like doing cards (or doing them late), it doesn’t happen. If I have a great gift idea, I’ll buy them or put them together. Otherwise, it’s not happening and people are getting gift cards. Fancy cookies? Only if I want to make them.

      As for the relatives, I have the picky ones and what helped the most was being really direct and/or calling them out on their nonsense. Oh, you wish I’d made fruitcake? I’m sorry you’re disappointed. I didn’t have time this year. My house is too small? Well, it’s the house we could afford.

      1. I honestly might steal the “this was the house we could afford” line. I might even say “it’s hurtful to hear you don’t think it’s good enough.”

        1. but… why? “it’s the house we could afford” is snappy and quick and a nice way to change topics. your “it’s hurtful” thing sounds like you have a victim complex and that’s all they’re going to talk about for weeks afterwards.

          1. It just feels true to me. My choices were good enough for me but not for them. Maybe they should know it’s hurtful to point that out.

        2. FWIW, the house we could afford / the house MIL criticized so much was also the house that we bought without any help from the in-laws. If they’d put in money, maybe they could complain about the location/age/amenities.

          Then again, this was also the woman who “helpfully” suggested that my husband buy the office building where he rented a small suite because it always makes financial sense to buy over renting. Uh, it was a $6 million office building and we haven’t got that kind of scratch.

        3. OP I’ve rarely seen anyone as committed to being a victim as you are presenting yourself in this thread. I really hope you can one day turn that around, sounds exhausting.

        4. “It’s hurtful to hear you don’t think it’s good enough” is turning up the emotional temperature. You ALL need to Turn. It. Down.

  17. I’m starting to think about trying to date again, and I’ll probably try online, but… I hate all photos of myself. I consistently look terrible.

    I don’t actually mind how I look in the mirror most of the time, but it’s like in photos I turn into a squinty, double-chinned demon! I just do not look good in photos. And if I happen to take one good photo out of 100, I don’t feel like it’s a fair representation of me since I must look like the other hideous ones, right?! I feel like I’ve lost all sense of what I actually look like. Help!

    1. I think one good photo out of a hundred is fairly normal odds (especially for those of us who are inexperienced at getting their photos taken, but even those who are take a bunch and delete a bunch).

    2. This is why most of my dating profile pics were selfies. I don’t think most pictures of me look like me; I always do something weird when I know a picture is being taken.

      If you have time and money to throw at this problem, a professional photographer will be great for you. They’ll coach you to look more natural. I promise you’ll get at least one good picture that actually looks like you. The session will only last like an hour so it’ll at least be over quickly. I always get a blowout before professional sessions but I do my makeup myself.

    3. Try taking a selfie and playing with angles – you can take all the time you want and these are almost universally more flattering than photos others take of you. Get one good one as your main photo and have a friend take a few other cute shots, too.

      1. That is interesting. I always find that I look way worse in selfies than in pics other people take of me!

    5. I wish I thought this through before getting a new driver’s license this morning. At least it will definitely still look like me for years since I’ve never looked so old in a photo before.

    6. Try videoing yourself as you pose slightly different ways, instead of still pictures, and then do screenshots where you look like yourself?

      1. +1 for video stills.

        Some people look lovely, and photograph badly, it’s a thing. Take a few videos of yourself instead, and choose a still from the reel.

    7. Do you have a good friend nearby? Time for a staged, friend photoshoot. This can be done with your phone. try different clothes, poses, lighting–there’s got to be a way to make you look adorable or intriguing in photos. Your friend can coach you to tilt your head up or look more toward the light or square off your shoulders or whatever. Enlist help!

    8. Try mirroring the photos, I find they look more like mirror me when I do that but it’s not too big a change for a dating profile.

    9. Invite your dearest friend or sister over and have them take candid photos of you, in the right lighting, from the right angles. Everyone is doing this for online profiles, so don’t be in your head about it! Ultimately, I am sure you are an interesting and wonderful person, and I am confident how you look is the least engaging thing about you–as is true of all interesting, fun people! You’ve got this, girl!

    10. Remind yourself that when Cindy Crawford does a shoot, it’s also a bajillion photos and then they pick the best one!

  18. I am tired to my bones and idk what to do about it. I’m drinking lots of water and electrolytes and eating healthy. I got some time outside in nature over the weekend, that usually helps me.

    I’m not really sleeping because my one year old still isnt sleeping through the night. Or, even if he does (maybe once a week), I’m so used to the 2 am wake ups that I wake up around that time anyway. I don’t want to hire a night nanny again. DH even watched the baby while I took a good nap over the weekend, but I’m still feeling completely exhausted. How do I snap out of it?

    1. Why not hire a night nanny!? Get some sleep, that’s the only way out of not sleeping is the conditions to actually sleep. Throw some money at this for your sanity.

      1. It’s not financially feasible. When he was a newborn, I was home on maternity leave at full pay. But now he’s in daycare. I can’t pay for an overnight nanny and daycare.

    3. Have your ferritin and vitamin D checked. They are very commonly low in postpartum women because making a human and giving birth is a major ferritin depleter and vitamin D depletes rapidly if you’re breastfeeding.

      My ferritin was a 16 and my vitamin D was a 13 (both very low) at 1 year postpartum. No issues ever prior to that. I did massive vitamin D supplementation and two iron infusions, and it made a world of difference. My CBC was still normal, so don’t just have them look for anemia — your ferritin matters too.

      I think thyroid issues are also common postpartum, but I don’t have experience with that.

      1. For my body, tired to your bones = ferritin deficiency. It’s just a different tired than broken sleep tired. I’ve had two kids and only had deficiencies after one of them, and they are just very different kinds of tired.

      2. Ooo thank you, I’m due for blood work anyway. I’ll ask them to add ferritin to the list. D and iron are on there but I don’t think ferritin is.

        1. Yes, ferritin is far the more reliable check for iron status, to the point that if your physician orders serum iron instead of (not in addition to) ferritin, that’s a slight red flag that they aren’t really up to date on care for menstruating and postpartum women. Ferritin = a check of your long term stores.

      3. Yup, I in a similar situation to OP (18 months post partum and kids still waking up), and I just got my bloodwork done due to fatigue, hair loss, and brain fog. Came back with low ferritin and vitamin D. I really hope some supplementation gets me closer to normal.

        1. It changed my life.

          If they try to put you on iron supplements, tell them you want your ferritin rechecked in 3 months. Mine showed no progress (it actually went down), which is why I got the infusions. The hematologist I saw said that some % of women just don’t respond to oral iron repletion as fast as they lose iron via menstruation, because it’s often poorly absorbed.

          1. Some supplements are a lot higher absorption than others (also the GI conditions that can cause especially poor absorption are worth diagnosing). Not saying infusions can’t be a great intervention, but they need to figure out the rest.

    4. Why are you always the one waking up? Switch off nights with your spouse. Sleep in a different room, away from the monitor, or wear earplugs.

      1. We have a shift system. DH gets up at any time after 3 am, including the days baby decides he’s up for the day at 5 am. I can sleep until 7 am, so that guarantees me at least a 4 hour window. And again – DH is always the one to get up early and (almost) never gets to sleep until 7 am.

        1. Try a different system, even if it’s just for a few days. Give yourself a chance to catch up on sleep without having to wake up and determine whose shift it is.

        2. When our baby was about 9 months, we switched from a similar shift system (we switched at 2 am) to “one parent takes the whole night every other night.” This was much more restful. I stopped breastfeeding and pumping at 7 months and that enabled me to finally sleep through.

    5. I’d ask this on the moms page. my non-sleeper is now 9 but wow do I remember this. Are you comfortable with co-sleeping now that he’s 1? I feel like I slept better just knowing my daughter was next to me and safe, and so did she. Can you take a mental health day and nap?

    7. You need more rest. One nap won’t catch you up. Hire the help you need and get that sleep!

    8. I would invest all the time and resources necessary to get the 1 yo to sleep through the night.

        1. Sometimes I think people get so caught up in the moment that it doesn’t necessarily dawn on them to step back and consider something that seems obvious to people on the outside.

          Related: I have a coworker with a freakin’ 8 year old who is still not able to sleep through the night alone. I hear so much about how tired they are, how disruptive it is to have him wake them up multiple times every night, how the kid can’t do overnight camp or sleepovers, and how they are so looking forward to the day he is old enough to sleep by himself. I’m flabbergasted at the absurdity of it.

          1. I desperately needed to see a sleep neurologist as a child and was never referred. And even as an adult, I needed to get another opinion from a better sleep neurologist.

            So I know it’s a thankless uphill battle to access care, but that poor kid.

          2. From everything I have heard (which is a lot), there is not a reason beyond they created that habit and are too entrenched to break it. That couple has some other…unusual takes on how things work.

          3. I’m just saying that if they took the kid to a pediatrician and the pediatrician said it’s fine, normal, nothing is wrong, or that is all behavioral… that is not always therefore accurate.

      2. Maybe even take a day off work while the kid’s at daycare and sleep that whole day just to catch up.

    9. are you still nursing?

      our kids had the worst sleep. we started melatonin. weighted blankets. white noise machines.

      for yourself if your body is waking up at 2 i think that’s a separate problem. try the tim ferriss thing and take a spoonful of peanutbutter before bed; theory is that you’re waking up because your blood sugar dips too low.

      i’d also say that at this point in your and his life you need to stop trying to do all the things while the baby naps; you should be napping during those times. you can clean the house and answer emails another time.

  19. Shopping help please – Why is this so hard? I need a black, full length slip for under a dress. Like a slip dress. I don’t want it to be shaping. And I’m short(5’3”), so it needs to be kind of short. Where do I look? The ones at Nord seem low quality. I’ve never ordered from Quince. Thanks for your recs!

    3. Jockey has a full slip. I have some half slips from them that have lasted literally decades.

      I don’t think there’s really difference between “high” and regular quality slips. Unless you want real silk or something. But I would check Kohls, Target, even Amazon. Oh, I bet Macys has a bunch, too.

    6. Chiming in to validate that it is hard to find old fashioned slips. I have had this problem as well. So much is shapewear or the slips are in kind of a slinky fabric that catches on everything instead of being a smooth layer. I usually look online at Boscov’s and JC Penny’s. In store tends to have limited selection in specific sizes and lengths.

    7. I’ve used the Quince washable silk slip dress as a slip and really love it. I would feel too bare wearing it as a dress.

    8. They are expensive, but I like the slips from Doen. I am pretty sure they come in black.

  20. For those who book business travel on their personal credit card and submit for reimbursement, when do you submit for reimbursement? When you book the travel or when you return or both?

    I feel like I should be able to get reimbursed for my flight when I book it and then everything else after the trip is over. But when I do that, I’ve been asked to submit everything all at once after the trip. Why should I have to pay out of pocket for business flights, though?

    1. I wish my company would do this so I could get the points.

      Are you booking such that the travel is not completed and reimbursed before the credit card balance is actually due? It seems like the simplest solution here is to just book on shorter timelines. If I make a purchase today, that payment is not due until October, so I would just book September travel no earlier than August, etc.

      1. +1 to all of this. I would HAPPILY put business flights on my personal credit card to get the points for them!

    2. Tell them you need to submit it to avoid late fees? Or you’ll have to book a much more expensive ticket closer to the trip.

    3. I would get a completely dedicated card for this, so if there are interest fees, I charget them to my employer. Yes, really. If they can’t reimburse timely for travel, then they should eat that penalty, not you. It’s a work expense.

      1. Absolutely this. But also, major side eye to companies that float their expenses on their employees’ credit cards.

        1. but, it’s only an actual out of pocket ‘float’ to the employee if they don’t get reimbursed before the due date for the associated statement balance.

          Given how much some business travel flights cost out of pocket, I can see this being an issue if you are lower-paid but expected to travel often, or if your company is super slow with reimbursements. Otherwise, I’d happily rack up those points as a perk!

          1. It also eats up the employee’s available credit, even if reimbursed before the statement balance is due. That isn’t without impact.

          3. Not everyone wants to dedicate tens of thousands of dollars of their own credit limit for their employer’s use.

    4. Could it be an accounting thing where they have to confirm the trip was actually taken before they reimburse it (versus it getting cancelled last minute, refunding to your card, then you refunding the company)? There are instances where our firm lets us direct bill flights to the firm so any changes or cancellations also revert back to it, but I don’t know if yours does that in any circumstances.

      1. The firm has a travel agent but they’re terrible. For reasons that escape me, they refuse to book the major airline that has a hub in the airport closest to me (which is also the large city where our firm is based). That airline is often the only airline with reasonable flights (time of day, no stops, etc.). Basically no one uses the travel agent. But it probably is accounting’s opinion that the price of not using the travel agent is that you have to float business costs.

        Responding to another question – I book farther than a month out because some of the flights sell out (ie popular conferences) and I have a budget cap so I don’t want to be stuck paying out of pocket.

        1. Use the travel agent for anything more than a month out. Refuse the itineraries they send you unless they’re the ones you want. They work for the firm; the firm doesn’t work for them. You can tell them they’re not doing it right assuming the actual flight costs agree with you. Direct them to book the actual flights you want, including a screenshot from Google Flights if you need to. If they push back, ask them to put into writing why.

          Enjoy the points for anything with shorter notice or at a dollar amount you feel okay about floating.

    5. “I feel like I should be able to…” isn’t really the issue.

      Does your company have rules around reimbursements, which you need to follow? If so, you have to advocate to get the rule changed. Do you have the power/clout to get that to happen? If so, start the process to get it changed. If not, you just have to deal with it.

      If your company doesn’t have a rule, and this is just one person’s preference (whoever asked you to do it all at once), what channels/routes do you need to go through to be OK with not doing what that person wants you to do?

    6. My organization has a policy that all travel expenses are submitted together after the trip, but we have the choice of booking through a vendor where the organization pays or booking on our own and paying for later reimbursement. It’s not perfect, but I can decide on a case-by-case basis if the miles are worth floating the expense for a month or so. It makes sense to me that they want all expenses grouped in one case for tracking and compliance checks.

    7. At my current company, we are encouraged to submit our expenses monthly. If I pay for airfare in July for a trip in October, then I submit in July and get reimbursed. I will then submit all the other expenses related to that trip, like meals, when I return.

      I once had an employer that asked me to wait until a trip was over to submit all of my expenses, and I told them that in that case they would either need to use the corporate credit card to book my travel or pay for a last-minute airfare. I made a “joke“ about interest, free loans to HR, which got my point across. And then I talked to our general counsel’s office about how I was pretty sure that was a violation of state law, whereupon they promptly instituted a new written policy.

    8. When I was in your shoes, I successfully advocated for employees to get corporate credit cards for this reason.

      When I first started at that job, I was expected to buy my own office supplies and submit them for reimbursement, which was odd but manageable. Then I was supposed to do the same with my travel, which was more of an issue because I didn’t have that high of credit limits yet and had to juggle to make that work. Then when I was expected to put travel expenses for the people I supported on my personal card? That is when I stopped making my personal credit available to the company. I value my credit score too much to float the costs for them and risk incurring late fees, overage penalties, and the time spent navigating the reimbursement rules.

    9. I do it when I book the travel and then everything else afterwards. My company doesn’t expect me to carry a charge on my credit card or pay it off. Sometimes there is some delay between when you book the trip vs go on it

    10. Get a card where you’re earning points or cash back on those flights. There can be major upside to getting to book your business travel on personal cards!

    11. When I used to do this, I’d submit expenses as I paid them. So sometimes I got a conference fee reimbursed before I attended. This is how it should be.

    12. I always submitted after because that was the policy. I just paid the credit card bill myself and then put the money back in my account. I was a consultant though and the travel had to be completed to be reimbursable.

  21. Venting here. Let me start by saying I am glad I am a supportive manager who handles things and believes clarity is kindness and does not tolerate any type of bullying or nastiness on behalf of my staff. But today I’m just… annoyed at the fact that I have to come in to administer formal disciple on somebody a couple levels down. Making it worse, I had a sit down with this employee and their manager last week to clearly say ‘this is not okay. You need to change it, immediately. Here is the training I need you to take. Any questions?’ Employee said yes, they apologized, said the right things… and then within 4 hours doubled down (in email!) with something that I was cc’d on. Like, c’mon friend… at least give it a couple days before you get nasty and rude again.

    Adding to my aggravation is that it’s the time of year when there’s no school or camps, so it’s a cobbled together mix of grandparents and play dates and babysitters and husband and I swapping off. I was hoping that I could just finish my time sensitive stuff and then just be available but off for a couple days and paint my powder room and hang with my kids. But instead, I have to go do what is truly the least part of my job. Thank you, I needed to let that one out.

    1. I feel this 100%. I’m also cobbling together coverage at home while I work this week, and I absolutely commiserate with feeling like I have 0 tolerance for work-related BS in that situation. Folks need to straighten out and fly right when proverbial plates are full!

      1. The fact that it’s for such a dumb reason. Like, it’s not somebody who made a mistake work wise and I am helping them work through it. It’s not a situation that is just time sensitive and I’ve got to handle it. It’s literally somebody acting badly and… while as a baseline I have zero tolerance for that, somehow today I’m extra annoyed.

        1. That’s 100% valid. Super irritating that you basically need to inform someone that bad behavior at work is — shockingly! — a no-go. Ugh, I hate people sometimes.

    2. Perspective: in my experience, people who double down that fast are testing boundaries.

      They will continue to test boundaries as long as they are employed.

      Expedite removal.

      1. Yup. They’ve been getting away with it, and don’t believe there will be any consequences.

        1. Late to the game, but… I’m the OP. YUP. That’s why I’m literally coming in on what should have been my vacation day to immediately address it through our formal discipline. There is no more grace, no more clear conversations.

  22. I’m extremely extroverted and two of my best friends for 10+ years and 20+ years respectively are much more introverted than me. I am pretty much always up for hanging out with them, I frequently invite them to do things, I’m often the one who initiates catch-up calls, etc. We live a short flight away now, so this looks more like one of us visiting the other 1x-2x/year (alternating who goes), texting a few times a month, and a catch-up call/FaceTime every 4-6 weeks.

    I also respect boundaries, and I’m self-aware enough to know that I’m a lot, so I try to take the hint when they signal that they need space.

    But sometimes, subtle hints don’t work. So they just tell me, “I’ve had too much time with people this week, so I’m taking the weekend to chill by myself”, or “can’t make it to that, maybe [specific activity on specific date] instead?”, etc.

    Sometimes they just say they’re not around for the time or activity I propose, and offer an alternative, and that works. At this point, we’ve been friends for long enough that we can be honest with each other, and I know I’m the most, I know they’re not the most, and so it’s much better for everyone for them to just decline or propose an alternative than to force themselves to hang out as much as I want to hang out.

    You might also encourage her to hang out with any of your friends that she’s met that she gets along with, outside of hanging out with you as well. The two friends I mentioned above now live in closer proximity to each other than to me, and they hang out with each other probably 2-3x/year. For a while, they would both mention it to me, almost as if they were asking for permission to be friends with each other, since they were each my friend first.

    I think it’s great when my friends become friends, but it can be a little sensitive if it feels like any of “your” friends are now pairing off in their own group. So maybe make it explicit that it’s fine for her to be friends with your friends as well? If she invites you and [mutual friend], just say you can’t make it, but that the two of them should enjoy the activity together.

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