Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Collar Rib Cardigan

174 Comments

1. How do you mentally deal with a diagnosis that never gets better? for example, chronic pain from an old injury.

   1. edited to add that I’m only 29 and feel too young for this…

      1. I’m gonna guess this is part of the challenge you’re having with it. This feeling that you’re fighting it rather than accepting that this is where you are. It’s not exactly the same, but I am the caregiver to somebody who has a progressive, terrible, lifelong illness, and I have gotten to a place of acceptance for the most part, by saying I’m not gonna go back to that person I was before all of this.. Your words betray that you were still fighting this diagnosis. And you don’t have to fight it to be OK with

         1. Agreed, it’s a full blown grieving process to have your life impacted forever. There’s a clear “before” and “after”.

            I had a life-altering (diet-altering) diagnosis last year, in my late 30s, and went through all of the stages of grief. That sounds dramatic, but it helped me cope with simply never being able to do some things ever again. I felt quite young to be dealing with that lifelong impact. However, with time, I’ve been able to get to a stable place to manage the symptoms and lead a nearly-normal life.

      2. For some types of pain (like back pain, slipped discs), people who go through PT and do exercises can report the pain getting better after a long time. It happened for my mom but took about a decade. I know that’s hard to hear, but things can change longer term.

   2. If it’s an injury, say lower back pain (which I’ve suffered from since age 27 after a rock climbing fall), then you do all the PT there is until you can be active again. If it’s a chronic illness (which I also have dating from about the same time), then it’s a bit harder to accept. I remind myself that other people have it worse than I do. Apparently psychiatry tells us that downward social comparison like that actually does make you feel better.

   3. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I have no personal experience here, but I’ll tell you the closest example that I do have. If this is way off base or sounds dismissive, please forgive me because I mean neither.
      My close aunt had tinnitus starting in her 40s after chemo for bre@st cancer. She said it was loud and would get louder when she was tired or stressed. With the help of a therapist, she trained her brain to ignore the ringing in her ears day in and day out but she would still hear it when it would get loud, which she said became a helpful sign that she was stressed or tired and needed to do something about that.
      I do not know whether the brain can be trained to ignore chronic pain or give it less attention so it becomes less debilitating.

      1. Following on here because this will cause half the commenters here to roll their eyes, but it truly has helped me–fasting. I try to let my body not digest calories (food or beverage) for at least 18 hours a day so it can focus on healing itself. Slowly but steadily, I do feel better re my specific issues.

      2. People with chronic illness already have significantly increased pain tolerance compared the the general population.

         1. Yes and no – they have a better pain tolerance, but they’re also more likely to feel pain where others only feel discomfort/pressure. I’ve got a chronic pain condition, and I definitely had feelings about it when I learned that the more you feel pain the better your brain gets at perceiving it, since it’s essentially practicing pain. There’s different ways of handling this information depending on what the root cause of your pain is, whether you need to figure out how to get used to it or whether you can practice not feeling pain, but it’s something to be aware of and managed.

            1. I feel like practicing not feeling pain is something I’ve been doing since I was a small child. Maybe it isn’t intuitive for everyone?

               I had multiple doctors bring up central sensitization when later testing confirmed peripheral nerve damage, so it doesn’t seem like they’re great at distinguishing.

            2. Oh yeah, doctors pretty much universally are bad at figuring out if you’re extra sensitive to pain or if there’s really something wrong. But they’re the best we’ve got, so I pair it with some therapy, reading medical journals, and and common sense and do my best.

   4. This is different but figured I would share in case its helpful. For me its more that I’ve had this condition since I was a teenager. I was extremely extremely upset about it at first. With time I’ve realized that life just isn’t fair and everyone is not going to have the same circumstance. It’s profoundly unfair and I can be a very righteous person so it does frustrate me – but I also know sometimes its just how things are. There is no good explanation for why someone has health issues vs not. Maybe genetics etc play a role but in the end there is no clear explanation. We just have to all do what we can with our lot in life.

      There are always going to be some issues. My friends whose health is better have other things that worry them. I’ve noticed that since they’ve never dealt with a health issue even the smallest thing trips them up, whereas I feel better prepared to deal with it. It’s not good or bad its just how the cookie crumbles sometimes.

      This is rambly, but just how I think of it and what has helped me after many years.

   5. When you have no choice, you just do. I think the hardest thing is balancing acceptance that it’s never going to go away and trying new things to improve it, whether that’s medication, PT, exercise, nutrition, sleep, somewhat evidence based things like yoga, massage, or acupuncture, or more woo woo stuff. This depends a lot on the specifics of the condition, but many chronic conditions will improve a bit (and sometimes a lot) with those things, but constantly trying new drugs or trying to stick to specific diet or exercise regimes can also take a physical and psychological toll.

      1. + a billion to your first sentence, which I think could be good advice to 80% of the questions here.

      2. this first sentence needs to be on a mug – it’s so true.

         My health is ok but I was dealt a bad hand in other regards and I have to keep telling myself, well, it’s just the hand I was dealt, move on with the grief over what could have/should have been and move forward with the way things are.

   6. Does it get worse, too, or it is what it is?

      In college I got injured and had major shoulder surgery but it will never be the same. At the time, I wanted it to be the worst thing that ever happened to me. Worse has happened since, but I think about what the disability has given me – self-knowledge, a sense of risk, empathy for others in similar or worse situations, skills to navigate the American health care system, stuff like that.

      I put it on the back burner and watch it – after about 2 years of intensive physical therapy, I didn’t need PT again for over a decade. But I know my body and I know what it shouldn’t be like and I went back to the surgeon to see if anything was needed – he said just PT. So that’s why I did.

      My kids know about my injury, my friends do. I ask for help with my “bum arm”. I do everything I can but I’ll tell you what —

      Did you ever secretly imagine yourself like an Olympic athlete when doing something totally not-Olympic at all like, say, bowling? Now I imagine myself as a Paralympic athlete! It just is what it is.

      As you get older, hanging out with friends will become less action-packed and more sitting and talking and even the action friends will pause and sit and talk with you or accommodate you. I hope it will not get worse. I have seen so many first person essays about being a parent with chronic pain or an otherwise invisible disability. Please know you are not alone. Just keep plodding on, one day at a time.

   7. Honestly, second opinions. A lot of stuff that can’t be cured can still be managed better. So far whenever I’ve been told that this is as good as it gets, it’s never yet been true; it just meant that whoever I was seeing had hit their own limits. I know someday I’ll strike out, but so far it’s been worth the effort of trying different approaches and making sure that nothing is being missed.

      1. This is really good advice. With chronic pain from an injury it took a couple of tries to find a good doctor, and three tries to find a good physical therapist. And then pushing to find a trainer who could get from the end of PT to a more regular exercise routine.

      2. I’d balance this out with advice to make sure you’re not being grifted. Nothing wrong with a placebo, unless the placebo costs a lot of money and is preventing you from pursuing avenues that could have better-than-placebo effects. When you’ve got a chronic and incurable disease, there’s a fine line between alternative medicine and people looking to make a profit off desperation.

   8. I am dealing with something similar. The first thing I would say – it is ok to mourn the life you thought you would have. People telling you “it could be worse” are not helpful. Let yourself grieve. And then, therapy. Honestly, so much therapy. Starting to reframe from the life you thought you would have to the life you can STILL have. Finding things that bring you joy even with the issue. Maybe they aren’t the same thing (e.g. sports) that you used to enjoy, but something new and beautiful in its own way. It’s not perfect, but it has helped.

      1. What is helpful can vary a lot from person to person. Tough loves, stoicism, a more gentle approach, time to mourn, facing the facts – everyone needs something different.

         1. And needs different things at different times! You can need gentle encouragement at some stages and tougher love at others.

   9. With my condition, which affects quality of life, I probably cried every day for a couple years. I found it helpful to connect with people online who were going through the same thing – to ask for help and also support others. Nobody in my real life would want to hear me talk about it so online support has been so helpful. I’ve also done extensive PT, which will be part of my life forever. Eventually I got bored with being sad about it, and over time I’ve managed to accept that this is my body. If you’re struggling with related depression or anxiety, medication helps many people. Sometimes there is also a mind body connection where anxiety or depression drives tension, which causes pain, so things like CBT can help sometimes with physical issues.

   10. I have a horrific injury that was caused by assault. It took me from being a competitive athlete to someone in chronic pain who can’t walk well.

       What helps? Empathetic friends. Friends who cheer me on when I can run a mile. Friends who listen to me cry when I can’t walk. Even mild comments like “I hate this for you” help.

       This also means removing the Smug Nasties from my life. I left a “friend” group because someone would not stop ramming her happy-smiley about this whole disaster down my throat. (I didn’t even want to talk to her about it; she asked; then, having just heard about what happened, she came screaming in on two wheels with her condescending hot takes. FWIW, the hot takes were the complete opposite of what my doctor, PT, and psychologist all tell me.)

   11. I hate to recommend something here two days in a row but here I go – This is very specific to the advice with how to mentally deal with it: one mindset technique might be meditation, specifically vipassana meditation. The primary goal of that type of meditation is to be able to experience painful sensations and experience with a baseline mindset of equanimity. I am not promoting meditation as a cure at all, but something that could help you deal with it.

       If you’re curious, I can personally recommend the course from the Dhamma organization – here’s their FAQ – it’s a good place to start. Their courses are supported by past students, so there’s no fee (you can donate at the end if you like, but there’s no pressure). It’s not culty and I felt completely safe and in control during the course.
       https://www.dhamma.org/en-US/about/qanda

   12. Find something that you CAN do and do it passionately. You do not have to define yourself as “something with this diagnosis,” but can define yourself as “someone who writes poetry” or “someone who is a really good swimmer” or “someone who is a great cook and throws dinner parties.” Make the diagnosis the least interesting thing about you.

   13. I have chronic back pain (genetics) which started in my early 30s and it was a huge mental hit for me – I was at a peak of fitness, sports & movement were inseparable part of my daily life. Suddenly, I struggled to even roll out of bed, sit for 2hrs. With PT and meds, it went better, but no more long-distance running for me. Every few years, the pain will resurface and I have a few months’ long episodes. But in general, I learned to appreciate the sports/activities/movement I can (still) do rather than dwell on what I can no longer do.

       What worked for me:
       *Accept it as ‘it is what it is’ and play with the cards I have.
       *Stay active, move, exercise (even if it means overcoming some initial pain or discomfort) as strong muscles and flexible joints mean I will keep the pain off long-term. Figure out what movements/physical activities you can do and then be disciplined.
       *Keep looking for the right healthcare provider for you and your current condition/state. This may mean PT, but I add Anesthesiologist (at least this is the name in the NL) when I experience painful flare-ups.
       I would also recommend consulting a sports medicine professional, as they have different perception of what is ‘good enough’ and what is ‘possible’ than your everyday GP or ortho.

2. Hello all:
   I had a molar extraction last week after ruling out the possibility of saving the tooth.
   That said, it is time to get a bridge or an implant. Adjacent molars are both capped.
   I was in too much pain to make any reasonable decision.

   I am looking for any input on your experience either way. Gratefully
   cost is not a factor in my choice.

   1. I’d go with an implant to reduce bone loss, which could impact nearby teeth. A kid had to have a tooth extracted and by the time we got the implant done (thanks, COVID), we could see bone loss on the xrays. And I have a retained baby tooth, so I will eventually be getting an implant myself.

   2. Thanks for this question. I was just mulling over this, and luckily they were able to save the tooth in my case, because cost really was a factor. But I’d determined to just put the money on my credit card and get the implant.

   3. I may be wrong but a bridge would require additional work and possible extraction to nearby teeth, no? I would get the implant because it is ultimately less invasive. In addition, keeping a bridge clean and flossing is much harder than anyone tells you. An implant is less likely to create new problems from food waste, etc.

   4. My understanding is that saving the tooth is best, after that an implant is best, if implant is too expensive or too may teeth had to go, they resort to a bridge.

      1. This is my understanding as well. I have an implant, and it has been fine. It is a long process to get it done (i.e., many visits to the dentist over a several-month period), but now that it done, it is no big deal.

   5. My DH has had to have multiple extractions. He has had a bridge and is in the process of replacing it with implants. The teeth the bridge attached to degraded because of the attachment, so they have had to be fixed as a part of the process.

      If an implant is possible, go that direction.

   6. Another vote for the implant. I had mine probably 15 years ago and it’s just like having my tooth back.

   7. FYI once you get a bridge an implant will not be an option….they have to compromise the adjacent teeth to attach the bridge.

      I have a bridge that is very very old and has served me well, but I wish I’d had the chance to try an implant.

      So, another vote for an implant!

   8. Different take–I had a molar extraction because I genetically had a molar without a pair (I had a top, there was no bottom; in my thirties it had become super-erupted with nothing to stop it growing in). One dentist told me I _absolutely needed_ to get a set of top and bottom implants. Two other dentists said–you are completely fine just having one less molar. However, if you have one less molar, in your case you will have one molar without a pair, which may eventually super-erupt! Fun times.

      So…all that said, they did recommend implants over a bridge because molars are teeth that do a lot of work. They are pricier, but you can time the surgery and use FSA funds and get a bit of a discount that way. Good luck!

3. If you turned down an offer from a company several years ago, would you reapply when the role is posted again? I turned it down because my mentor countered, but she has since retired and I no longer want to stay at my current company.

   1. Yes

   2. Yes and I would directly reach out to whoever made you the offer last time.

      1. This (and also the comment below). Reach out to a person with an explanation as to why the time wasn’t right before but now it is. If you turn down an offer this time, you probably have burned the bridge permanently, keep in mind.

      2. How large is the company. I did this with a fortune 500 and nobody remembered me from the first time. HR and management team had turned over, moved on to different jobs etc… I took the job the second time and said nothing. If you are likely to be remembered then you will need to prepare an explanation but let them bring it up not you.

   3. yes, but if it’s the same team, you might want to explain yourself in the cover letter, as there may be lingering “will this be a waste of time?” feelings.

      1. 100P yes but agreed, this is an occasion where i think ok to go outside regular hiring practices and reach out directly to the person who made you the offer. also be prepared to explain.

   4. I would reach out to the hiring manager first, if it is the same person. I wouldn’t necessarily bother the formal application process first because it could be weird (“uh, this name sounds familiar, didn’t she reject us last time? Does she realize we are the same place?”)

   5. I’d email the hiring manager, if you have their contact, and explain why you consider this job now vs. prior.
      It is also a possibility that the hiring manager is a different person – if it’s been a few years, who knows whether the people you interviewed with are still around and remember.

   6. agree with everyone else, go for it but be prepared to explain. good luck!

4. Saw the post yesterday about DOGE-related layoffs vs. reduction and wanted to share my recent experience.

   I’m in middle management at a small company, similarly affected by DOGE issues.
   Senior leadership (I think c-suite only) took a pay cut. Laid off people pretty evenly across under department. Did lay off one entire project that is now completely unfunded.

   It’s gone better than I expected. People seemed to understand that the company was in a good place pre DOGE, no one was being irresponsible or callous, and that the money simply wasn’t there. It was either some cost cutting or I guess run the company to the ground and go bankrupt.

   We did the layoffs pretty quickly, all over 1-2 days. I think that helped a lot in letting people get back to normal. The people laid off got good severance, kept insurance for another month etc.

5. A poll: how often do you (or your cleaning service/maid) 1) vacuum 2) clean bathrooms and 3) dust?

   1. Vacuum and bathrooms weekly, dust biweekly. I am not that fastidious though and I have pets.

   2. Vacuum hot spots? Likely once a week. Maybe every other. Thorough vacuum more like every 3-4 months.

      Clean bathrooms? Every 2-3 months, although we are 2 adults and don’t make a mess.

      Dust? Rarely. That’s like a once a year thing.

      We don’t keep a very clean house but it works for us and isn’t gross so there we are.

      1. Thank you for posting this realistic schedule.

         We have a big house and are 3 people. No shoes in the house.

         We vacuum every 2-3 weeks, sweep in hotspots like under kitchen table as necessary. Mop the floors maybe every 2 months?
         Dusting happens usually before vacuuming in the areas that need it most. Some areas are done only once or twice a year (like bookshelves).
         Bathrooms get a deep clean every month or so, but we wipe sinks, faucets and toilets as needed, probably 2 times a week.

         I do a quick refresh of the guest bathroom before visitors, and sometimes vacuum before visitors if it’s been a while.

      2. I’m not a particularly “clean” person either but cleaning your bathrooms every 2-3 months is WILD behavior!!! I’m truly in awe. I clean mine like 2x/week!

   3. Weekly, house cleaner does it though.

      1. Same

      2. 3rd. I will vacuum under the kitchen table because my young kids make a mess every night but otherwise the house cleaners do everything you listed 1x/wk.

      3. Same.

   4. Cleaning service, all of the above every other week.

      In between, light cleaning as needed, like wiping up around the sink or running the vacuum around the first floor, mostly.

      1. same. kids but no pets. dyson stick comes out at least daily in the dining area and we wipe down counters frequently but otherwise save for the every other week cleaner.

   5. I don’t have a whole house schedule. I run the roomba 1-2x a week, sweep the area near the litter box daily, sweep or wipe up the kitchen floor when it’s dirty (a few times a week), and pull out the real vacuum every few weeks. Similarly, the bathrooms get cleaned in pieces, when they look dirty, and I dust here and there as needed (weekly or so for the main surfaces, less often for things I don’t notice).

   6. No pets, no kids, no shoes indoors:

      Robot vacuum every week or more if needed, manual vacuuming monthly.
      Bathrooms weekly.
      Quick dusting weekly or every fortnight.

      1. pets and kids. cleaning lady once a week. I wipe the bathrooms down in between only vacuum if there’s a mess

   7. Our cleaner does all that biweekly. We don’t really clean in between except to clean up a mess we made like a spill. We do have a small dog but she doesn’t really shed.

   8. Cleaning service does all biweekly. We sweep every other week too.

   9. 1 cat and 1 kid, no shoes indoors. Cleaning person does a thorough job every two weeks and I spot clean the bathroom and vacuum as needed. I never dust.

   10. With 3 kids, I spot vacuum and do a quick clean of the main bathroom mirror, sink and toilet every other day. Dust almost as often right now with the windows open during pollen season, but normally once a week. I do a deep clean of the bathrooms (including the tub/shower) and vacuum thoroughly weekly.

   11. cleaning ladies vacuum the bedrooms once a month, the downstairs hotspots get vacuumed daily by my husband. cleaning ladies clean the bathrooms 2x a month. i’m the only one who ever dusts but i can go 3-4 months without.

   12. Cleaning service does it every 2 weeks. They’re not very good about dusting so sometimes I have to prod them to get the mantle or an end table. It’s just the two of us and two cats that don’t shed much.

   13. 3 kids 6-12, no pets. We sweep the kitchen daily and sometimes it’s just easier to vaccum. We do the entry points (mudroom, front hall) every few days because my children and their friends are animals.

       We have a biweekly cleaning service that theoretically does all that but they are crap at dusting so I spot dust.

       Similarly, we spot clean the bathrooms. The kids have to wipe down their nasty double sink, I will clean the toilets if they look like they need it between cleaner visits, or if our grout is looking grungy (the cleaners do it but with 3 kids in one bathroom it can look bad early!).

       1. 3 kids and 1 dog and basically this exact routine. Dog isn’t allowed upstairs or on furniture to keep fur manageable.

   14. I vacuum the main living areas and mop the kitchen/dining area and bathrooms weekly. We clean the bathrooms every 2 weeks. We dust …. rarely. No cleaning service, 2 bedroom apartment with 2 very messy cats, 1 teen kid.

   15. Ideally once a week, but more commonly every two to three weeks.

       Bathroom counter does at least get a basic wipe down weekly, even if it’s just with a wet washcloth before that gets chucked in the washing machine. I cannot stand the dusty splattery ick build up otherwise.

   16. Vacuum twice a week (handheld Dyson FTW), bathrooms every few weeks, dust like once a month. Would dust more because it’s helpful for allergies and keeping household chemicals (especially flame ret*rdants) at bay, but it’s hard to find the time.

   17. I’m my own cleaning service – bathroom weekly, although it’s just me using it so if I skip a week, it’s not dire. Vacuum and dust biweekly, although I will vacuum my living room rug more often because it gets gross from foot traffic and me eating in the living room.

   18. Every other week

   19. I have a german shepherd and a baby, so I do a combo of running the roomba and vacuuming high use spots with my Dyson dupe at least once a day. Much less focused on dusting. My cleaning service comes twice a month and they dust down surfaces.

   20. Once a week

6. Frivolous fun question for the day. Where have you travelled in the us that local residents were happy to see you? I’m not talking about being gushed just generally angry you’re there. I keep hearing about cities where the locals just hate tourists and out of towners.

   1. Nowhere.

   2. This is pre-COVID, but the only time I remember being an unwanted tourist in America was in New Orleans. We were there for a wedding, staying in the touristy French Quarter, and wandered not very far off the beaten path to a local pub. Clearly we were unwelcome. Ditto when we went (much further) afield to a specific sports bar + crawfish boil we had found through reddit or the like.

      FWIW, I used to live a small town on the northern Mississippi that had a historic downtown where the paddleboat cruises would stop. I did not like those tourists, although they did support downtown businesses, of course.

   3. Was just in upstate New York (New Paltz and surrounding small towns) and everyone seemed pretty friendly. Might have helped that I was visiting in the off season when they weren’t super busy and appreciated the business.

   4. not recent but when i was in greece my junior year of college i remember thinking that they were happy to see us, yes because we were bringing in dollars but not like they were seething with resentment.

   5. Pittsburgh people want everyone to love Pittsburgh.

      1. Jinx, lol.

         It’s such a contrast to visiting Cleveland and learning about everything that’s wrong with it from the locals (at least until the minute someone compares the city to Columbus or anywhere in Michigan or Indiana).

      2. Accurate.

   6. India!

      1. +1 India and Cambodia

   7. I suppose it’s possible that people in the SEUS bitterly resent tourists and are just too polite to show it. But between southern politeness, southern hospitality culture, and interest in tourist spending, I think of a lot of southern cities (not all) as pretty welcoming.

      The kind of second cities that have a lot of local pride and aren’t burned out on tourists also always seem really welcoming to me (e.g. Pittsburgh, Grand Rapids).

      1. I don’t think this is a SEUS thing. Atlanta/Birmingham/Chattanooga/etc. want tourists. The problem is that in some cities (Nashville, New Orleans, etc.), infrastructure for tourists outpaces infrastructure for locals.

         I used to live in a “hip” neighborhood in Nashville. Several of the neighboring homes were Airbnbs, so we not only had to deal with parties/lots of cars/etc., but we missed having actual neighbors in those houses. Airbnbs also mean less people from the neighborhood sending their kids to the public school and less people supporting businesses during the week.

         Another complaint in that neighborhood was that a lot of businesses would try to cater towards tourists rather than locals. E.g., a buzzy brunch-only restaurant when the neighborhood lacked any type of casual restaurant. So, I don’t think we were strictly anti-tourist, but we did often feel like the city was catering towards tourists rather than creating infrastructure for local residents.

         ** Despite popular belief on this board, Nashville has a strong local economy that isn’t dependent on tourism. The tax revenue from the tourism downtown also does not get spread to the rest of the city due to a weird financing maneuver for the convention center (that predated downtown becoming a tourism hotspot).

         1. I definitely had Nashville in mind as an exception! I’m less familiar with New Orleans (sadly though I guess that also means I haven’t contributed to the problem).

            I know Asheville has been very eager to get tourists back since the hurricane.

            I’m not sure I understand the point about public schools. Does more tax income and fewer students not mean more resources to go around?

            1. In a lot of states, dollars follow bodies in school funding. So if you have 500 students instead of 600, you only get 5/6 of the funding you used to get when you had more kids. Also declining enrollment means that local schools get closed and consolidated, which is a hard emotional (and practical) blow for communities.

            2. I think I hate that it works that way, but thanks for explaining!

   8. It’s a pretty false narrative. We have a vacation home in one of those towns. The vast majority of our neighbors understand that the local economy is tourism dependent and welcome visitors. Are there a couple of cranks, of course, but the vast majority welcome visitors.

      1. Eh, I live somewhere very much NOT dependent on tourism. We have a very big specialized field workforce, the tourists mess up the housing market for locals and do weird things to restaurants. If there were no more tourists it would not make any substantial impact on anyone but the AirBnB owners. Hotels make their bag on industry conferences and work travel.

      2. I honestly think most Americans are friendly and even enthusiastic about visitors.

         I do understand that some places are burned out, sometimes from local issues like inadequate AirBnB regulation; private, out of town corporate interests making a lot of tourist money at public, local expense; or attracting crowds of wild and destructive young partiers without necessarily intending to.

      3. I used to live in Santa Barbara and people there really hate tourists. Tourism is significant but not enough of the economy that most people feel reliant on it, especially because most of the people it employs can’t even afford to live there. Plus AirBnB has made an already terrible housing situation even worse, despite being illegal in most of the city (it’s poorly enforced, but please keep that in mind if you go there).

         1. AirBnB needs to be banned nationally. It’s untenable for municipalities and cities to have to enforce local laws when AirBnB allows the illegal listings. It’s like whack a mole and too hard to constantly monitor and fine.

            1. I’m completely fine with the AirBnBs in my neighborhood. It’s totally possible to have good local rules and for everything to work out well. Your city should get its act together.

            2. The resources to enforce the ban when the website allows ILLEGAL listings is a ridiculous drain on resources. AirBnB shouldn’t allow listings in cities where they’re banned.

            3. That’s a your city issue. In my area it’s been fantastic for people trying to keep their family cottages. Prices went up during covid, but people started Air BnBing them which is great for people who live away and come back to visit in the summer for a week or weekend. It’s not such a popular area that it’s resulted in hordes of tourists but a third party site with reviews makes both renters and cottage owners more comfortable. My sister and I would never be able to keep the place we inherited from my parents without it.

            4. I wish my city would get its act together. Short-term rentals are not legal, but there is no enforcement. There are obvious AirBnBs on my street and surrounding blocks, but instead of requiring people to get a business license to operate, nothing is done since regulation is seen as politically unpopular on the right AND the left. While they are very quiet and most of the tourists are respectful Eurotypes that were misled about the availability of public transportation, the city should get paid for the services it provides to these landlords and their tenants.

      4. LOL I live in a place dependent on tourism and still most people here moderately annoyed to outright hate it. Even locals in the industry agree it’s gotten too bad. The only people putting out the message that “oh it’s just a few cranks” aren’t local.

   9. Baltimore, San Diego, and Cape Cod have all been positive experiences on that front. Cape Cod residents survive on the tourist trade, so they actively hope for a busy tourist season every year.

      1. LOL as someone born on Cape Cod, there’s a saying: “stay home, send your money”. Locals hate the summer traffic and the dead winters. My family moved off Cape!

         1. Although it seems that the only thing hate more than tourists is a complete lack of tourists. Paradox, yes. But it is a thing.

      2. It may be when I started going to the Cape in May 2022. Two years lost to COVID meant people were really eager to have a normal summer season!

   10. I think it’s weird to be wanting locals to be happy to see you? I’ve never travelled anywhere and been met with hostility as a tourist

       1. Hawaii. I don’t go anymore. The locals don’t want us there, and I am happy to oblige.

   11. we have been going to baja for 15 years and have generally found a warm welcome. We don’t go to cabo, but tend to spend time in places like los barrilles, la ventana, la paz, and others. A lot of american ex pats, but everyone is very friendly. There are resorts, but we tend to rent vacation homes thru air bnb or vrbo.

   12. I live about 45 mins away from a college town; I’m not a “townie” or whatever term the kids are using these days, and I’m certainly not there all the time, but I’ll go a few times a year. When college is in session, I generally feel unwelcome at local bars by college students. I’ve lived in the area for 15 years and it’s gotten worse as I’ve grown older, to the point that I avoid going to that town during the school year. I’ve never had that problem with the locals from town, even when I was grad student aged.

       1. I’m curious, which college town? We are touring them officially now with our high schoolers.

          I love college towns and college-kid focused establishments. I loved them as a teen and a student and as an adult. I think now I am assumed to be a kindly professor. I try to go off-hours (and with my bedtime, I miss peak mischief time) and tip generously. I’ve never felt like I was anything but welcome but I am a gentle patron who tries to be friendly and patient.

   13. “Happy” to see you? I would never expect that, tbh. I’m perfectly content with neutral and that’s what I usually experience.

       Like I’m sure places are always happy for your money but less so for all-too-typical oblivious tourist behavior like stepping into a shop and standing stock-still in front of the door while they get their bearings, taking up the whole sidewalk, etc. So I try to be a mindful tourist and therefore get the same kind of treatment an average, non-regular-customer local would get.

       1. I mean I like to think I behave well too. I’m talking about the vibe that I’m doing more harm than good by visiting a place. Like if the locals feel overrun by drunken partiers and air b and bs they’re not happy to see you and I’d just assume go somewhere else. I don’t need to be gushed over just not seen as contributing to an existing problem , you know?

          1. If you want to be a good visited use HOTELS!

             1. I do. Promise.

          2. Based on my experience and other comments here, I think it helps to visit places with a lower cost of living, where tourists aren’t pricing out the locals. You’ll also probably do better in places that either have a lot of tourists, really depend on them, and have the capacity to deal with them, or not that many tourists, so they don’t have much effect. The places that suffer the most are the ones that suddenly have to deal with an influx of tourists without the capacity to handle them, driving up the cost of living and causing hassles for all the normal people in town who don’t benefit. And definitely don’t stay in a short term rental!

   14. Small, locally owned shops? Doesn’t have to be ones you visit as an actual tourist. Even the ones in my hometown are glad to see foot traffic and dollars spent.

       As a tourist, I can’t really think of times where I would have interacted with local residents other than at a restaurant, shop, or some other venue where I was buying goods, food, or access to an event.

   15. I grew up in a town that had some tourism, though we were mostly a pass-through so we got all the congestion but not much of the revenue. Here’s the problem with tourists:
       1. Traffic and general congestion. Locals don’t take it out on individuals but they’re generally cranky that life becomes a lot less convenient during tourist season.
       2. Obnoxious and rude behavior. This is what will get you treated poorly by locals.
       – We are not all service workers here for your entertainment. Do not stop random people on the street while they’re trying to get to work or wrangle unruly kids and treat them like NPCs in the game of Your Life. If you strike up conversation with someone at a bar, they might talk to you or they might not, but don’t get huffy if they don’t want to give you a long exposition on the history of the town.
       – Do not ask where is the nearest [Starbucks/blow out bar/insert anything you find in a city but not in small towns]. Don’t act disappointed when I direct you to a local shop instead. If you want specifically your big city thing then go home.
       – be aware of your surroundings. no lolligagging in the middle of the street. Gtfo of the way if you’re lost. Traffic laws are not suspended during your vacation.
       – don’t be so loud. Why are tourists always shouting? We can hear you. Are “inside voices” not a thing in cities?
       – don’t be condescending. “Omg this is even better than Guy Savoy!” Daisy Mae has never heard of Guy Savoy and dgaf what he or anyone else is doing in Paris. Daisy Mae knows very well that everyone loves her cooking and that’s what matters. Just say thank you this is great. No one cares how cultured or well traveled you are. Loudly declaring, “omg isn’t it quaint! All the people are so nice!” is another faux pas of this type. We’re polite. One would think all that culturing you’ve been doing could learn you some manners.

       1. Hey I hope this wasn’t directed at me personally, but as a general rant. I can assure I’m pretty inconspicuous when I travel. I’m not looking for a guide on how to behave just recommendations for places to travel where they don’t already dislike you for showing up.

          1. I guess my point is, the people who say certain towns aren’t friendly to tourists are probably the same people who are being super rude and obnoxious tourists. Even in a tiny town like mine where everyone knows everyone and therefore tourists stick out, people just go about their lives.

       2. I honestly think a lot of people from noisier places are a little hard of hearing and shout all the time. It is not surprising when it’s easy to encounter damaging levels of noise from construction, loud speakers, etc. on top of using headphones constantly on public transit.

          Isn’t it also a little condescending to make assumptions about what Daisy Mae has heard of? It would never occur to me that that compliment was a humble brag.

          1. I mean no it’s not condescending to state facts, I’m not making any assumptions about what Daisy Mae knows and doesn’t know. In my case, “Daisy Mae” used to babysit me, our parents grew up together, our grandparents grew up together, her family has been cooking at the same place since the depression and my family has been going there almost daily since it opened.

             1. Okay, I thought you just meant a stereotype.

                I think because I mostly go to coffee shops and BBQ places in small towns, I’m used to people knowing more about other nationally renowned coffee shops and BBQ places than I do, even if they don’t participate in the big regional competitions.

   16. Pretty much any used bookstore in every city I visit. I don’t think I’ve ever visited one that wasn’t staffed by cool folks ready to need out over a shared love of books.

   17. Any city where I’ve gone on an architecture tour. The architecture tour guides are always the most enthusiast about their city and have the best recommendations for off the beaten path things to do.

       1. This. And the Tenement Museum in NYC — I figure, we’re all retracing our origin story one way or the other there and people have been so kind and helpful.

   18. The only place I’ve visited where I thought people were openly hostile about tourists were in the towns around around Kings Canyon / Sequoia National Park in CA. It’s driving distance from LA, so I’m sure they do get a lot of obnoxious tourists and daytrippers. That said, I’ve had much nicer interactions with people in other rural areas of CA. It just seemed like everyone loathed having to interact with us for any reason.

   19. We’ve noticed that the towns near national parks that are more focused on hiking vs sightseeing are pretty welcoming and cool. We just got back from a trip to New River Gorge NP and Shenandoah NP and Fayetteville, WV the people at the local shops and coffeehouses were so nice and welcoming, some of them to the point of delighted to talk to us. Almost (not quite) too much. :) Alternatively the towns near Shenandoah NP – the people could not care less about where we were from (which was totally fine). Zion NP vs Grand Canyon was the same way. It also might be our preference as to the type of town we like.

       I definitely think that certain areas have more welcoming vibes. I live in a small town that is 30 minutes from the town I grew up in. This town is very welcoming to new people – we have a lot of summer lake house people and also people who retire to the area. No bad vibes to them at all, we incorporate them into our community pretty strongly. Vs the hometown area – very anti next state over people who visit a lot during the summer. Those are tiny pockets though, I wouldn’t label the whole area one way or another.

   20. The big ones to avoid are places where tourism has a lot of negative impacts on the local environment. Either ecologically or in neighborhoods, you’ll see hostility towards tourists when the perception is that tourists show up, trash the place, and leave without having to deal with the consequences. (Hawaii, the National Parks that have more tourists than they have infrastructure to handle it, Nashville, etc.) Anywhere else is likely to be fine. My favorite recently was Capitol Reef in Utah, but St Louis was also fun when I went with my toddler.

       1. Seconding St. Louis.

   21. Come visit us in the Great Plains. We’re happy to have your tourist dollars.

   22. Costa Rica is the friendliest place I’ve been. Scottland is good as well.

7. Just a vent, not looking for advice. I’m feeling so trapped in a tiny apartment. We originally planned to move this year, but with the administration change, it won’t be possible due to our jobs being severely at risk. It’s not only tiny and poorly laid out, it’s old and has no central heat or air so it’s always freezing in winter and boiling in summer. Making it at all livable temp-wise has entailed multiple Macgyver solutions that are ugly af and barely take the edge off. Accessing items we need on a daily basis requires moving furniture or other items out of the way. We had a baby and originally thought we could make it work, but even with keeping baby stuff to the essentials (and one small basket of toys), the clutter is worse than ever and that’s with regular declutterring. It’s not up to code and there are multiple safety risks when the baby starts crawling. I don’t see a way out in our VHCOL area with both our jobs on the line – even this dump will be hard to afford. Just needed to vent to the universe.

   1. That’s so hard!

      Blackout blinds + blackout drapes closed all day was super helpful when I had a place that was hot in the summer and had no ac. Keep the sun out as much as possible. And slippers for everyone in the winter.

      Maybe an online space organizing consult to see if there are solutions you haven’t thought of? Ikea has a good online one as well. And great inexpensive furniture like a crib with storage drawers underneath and storage beds for adults.

   2. That really stinks. If you start thinking about moving, I love living in the Atlanta area.

   3. I’m sorry; I really do not miss living this way. No advice, but I hope you’ll get some good news soon whether on the job front or the housing front, however unexpected.

   4. your frustrated feelings are totally totally valid. the amount of stress and drama created by this administration that continues to be created by this administration impacts so many people in so many different ways. i will tell you this though – if you can live with your spouse in such a small space, you can live with them anywhere!

   5. And I thought my “rent here is too cheap I can’t afford to move” situation was bad. I’ve at least got a decent furnace. But I feel you on the “how do I babyproof this mess?” I got the apartment manager to paint over some spots when I told him I was worried about my baby eating the paint peeling off the walls, and it turns out that doors/drawers that don’t open easily are a great baby proofing feature. I finally caved and got a storage unit, and it’s cheap and gets a lot of the clutter out of the house. It’s made it liveable, but it still sucks. Hopefully you don’t mind the attempt at commiseration.

8. Thanks to everyone who commented on my request for honeymoon help! We are now looking at Morocco!!! I am so so excited for this since Morocco has been on my list and somehow didn’t cross my mind for the honeymoon!

   And Senior Attorney, I scheduled a call with your friend Nancy to plan – thank you!!! Idk if she knows your online persona, but I’ll shout you out:)

   1. Hooray! Tell her I’m the wife of the guy who organized the trip with Claire (guide from Europe) last October. I’m short and blonde, he’s tall with white hair.

      1. SA, I’m always so impressed with how many travel agents you know in different places. I obviously need more travel agent friends, lol.

   2. Yay! I was one of those who suggested it and I hope you have an amazing time. I really loved my trip there last year; the history and culture are fascinating and the scenery is so varied and beautiful.

   3. I did my honeymoon there was well, it was an amazing trip! We spent several days in Marrakech to start, then did a trip to the desert, then finished with a few more chill days in Essaouira. It was the perfect mix of city, adventure and relaxation

9. Has anyone gotten anything great from Boden lately? I gained a size since last spring, so I am in need of a refresh and some more flats (not sure if shoes there are good, but the clothes are joyful). Workplace is officially casual this year, but I like things that look a bit more put-together that I can wear outside of work also. Leaning towards dresses with a waist and a full skirt (or just fuller skirts) since pants don’t really work now that I am an apple-pear hybrid shape that I’m trying to figure out.

   1. I recently got this one and am very happy with it: https://us.boden.com/products/laura-jersey-midi-shirt-dress-rich-emerald-terrace-swirl

      The fabric is jersey and doesn’t feel too dressy, if that’s a concern. If you’re between regular and petite sizes, I would go with petite as even in a P it’s below knee length on me.

      1. Also their shoes have been good for me in the past so definitely try their flats.

   2. This isn’t workwear but I got this dress for a party with the dress code “vivid cocktail,” and it was a huge hit: https://tnuck.com/products/hot-pink-feather-mod-mary-dress?

   3. They’re short-waisted as a brand, so if your natural waist is at a normal spot or even a smidge low, sadly their dresses won’t fit you. I once ordered 13 dresses to redo my closet…and not a single one of them fit right. I was crushed.

      1. +1. I am long waisted and found one dress from them, but I had to buy a Tall and hem it.

      2. +2. Same. I love their look but had to return every single thing I ordered. Their waist sits at the bottom of my ribcage, and a couple of inches above my actual waist.

      3. I couldn’t even get the long sizes to fit. I think it’s just the skirt that’s longer, not the bodice of the dress.

   4. Got several items and returning some (unflattering placement of pattern and different color in person than online) but keeping the Alexa Maxi Shirt Dress in Bright Rainbow Stripe, which make me very happy:

      https://us.boden.com/products/alexa-linen-maxi-shirt-dress-bright-rainbow-stripe?variant=46864314761468&tc_ch=ps&tc_ve=goog&tc_so=pmax&tc_me=cr&tc_ca=ss-drop-offer&tc_au=&tc_cr=na&tc_campid=US+-+Performance+Max+-+WW+-+FP+-+Active&tc_adgroupid=&tc_kwid=&tc_matchid=&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw_JzABhC2ARIsAPe3yno3P3YIWDKkchvVit-NnEjrr6GDefoj6kH40jKxqEQrNXBOyi5WwTkaAjW-EALw_wcB

      Fit-wise, it’s decently fitted up top and the skirt is fuller than I expected, a little more gathered than strictly a-line.

   5. I got some pants there recently, which I really like as a shortwaisted size 16 in perimenopause. The ones I got were the Westbourne Ponte Trousers but there are a few other styles that I tried as well. Stretchy without being unstructured, and the navy is very dark, which I like. The shoes are high quality. Some of the shirt and dress patterns are too twee for me, but overall I like their stuff right now.

   6. I like their shoes a lot. Have had one or two dudes, but overall comfortable, cute, and durable!

10. I shared last week about going through a second and third interview for a role I’m really excited about. I was so nervous and had convinced myself that the third interview didn’t go well, but I guess it did because I’ve moved forward to the background check stage and if that goes well, an offer will be next! Thank you for all the good vibes – I think this will be a great move for me, although now I’m feeling a lot of guilt about leaving my current role.

    1. Fingers crossed for smooth sailing all the way to the offer. Congrats! And do what you need for YOU, don’t feel guilty.

    2. Thank you so much for this update! This internet stranger has been thinking of you & this search.

       1. That’s so kind of you, thank you!!

    3. Good luck!!

    4. Woohoo!!! Fingers crossed for you and sending good vibes!

    5. wonderful update! do not feel guilty at all, this is how it goes.

11. Am I crazy for considering this job move? Or am I crazy for second guessing it?
    I am about 20 years into my career and am a middle manager at a Fortune 50 company. I am well-respected, have some visibility to highest levels of leadership, and am consistently rated in that elusive top right box. I have been told that there is a succession plan in place to move me into an executive role, likely after a cross functional move. However, my company is large and movement is slow. I’ve been in my role for seven years and am bored. I am still preforming well but do not have any daily mental challenges.
    I have been asked to consider a role at a midsize privately held company. The role would be a title bump, a seat on the executive team, and a wider scope of work that includes another function that I have previous experience in. I have met with the owners and other senior executives, who were all great and had been with the company for 10-30 years. I am loving the idea of the new work, expanded scope and direct impact I would have on the company direction. TBH I am having major imposter syndrome that I can do the work and why should anyone listen to me, but I’m doing my best to quiet that voice. I have been told that an official offer package is on its way.
    Now I can’t help but second guess this move. Obviously I haven’t accepted yet, but am planning to (assuming the offer is what we discussed). I feel like I am in an in-house, stable role that many aspire to with room and a path to grow- am I being too impatient? Am I giving up too much for a short-term gain? Does anyone have an inspirational story about making a similar jump and it being the best thing that ever happened to them?

    1. Back in the day, the conventional wisdom was that the only/best way to make big career leaps was to change companies. It sounds like you are making a good move!

    2. not quite the same, but I made a jump to a new industry and bigger leadership role earlier in my career and it was amazing to be challenged at work again. After 8 years in that role, I was in the position you are in now, and promises of future executive role were not appealing to me in that company due to the business environment. I got laid off before I could find something different and am now working with my husband on a totally new venture and it’s so refreshing to be figuring things out and trying stuff again instead of plodding along a well-worn groove.

       It sounds like you’re excited about this change, and that is one of the primary predictors of it turning out to be a good thing for your career!

    3. This sounds like a great opportunity, and I’m not hearing any downside! Do it!

    4. Congratulations, this sounds amazing! Agree with the others that the old wisdom was you had to jump ship to get to those higher roles — you’ll still be eligible for them if you don’t like things at the privately held company.

    5. You’ve been in your role for seven years? Leave for the title and responsibility bump. I worry that the alleged promotion is being dangled in front of you forever, with no real plans to have you move up.

    6. You sound excited about the new role. Don’t doubt yourself.

12. I need a couple pairs of work pants for summer. But high-rise everything is killing me. It looks and feels good when I’m standing up. For all day wear, though, it hurts my belly, and yes, I am definitely wearing the right size. Blame yet another thing on perimenopause. Any recs for mid-rise pants you’ve found lately? I am striking out at my usual spots. I’m a size 14/16 depending on the brand.

    1. I feel like I’ve seen those at Old Navy a week or two ago…

    2. I feel you on the high rise waist band. I got some wide leg linen pants from old navy that are touted as high rise but they aren’t that high rise. The waist band is also super soft so it doesn’t dig it. With the appropriate styling, I know I could wear them to work.

    3. mid-rise on one person is low or high on another. I’d suggest measuring the rise of pants you like, and then looking at measurements; Nordstrom lists the front and back rises of pants, for example.

13. I’m looking for date night gift ideas in Philadelphia for my SIL and her fiancé. They live kind of near the art museum but I’m sure are up for anything cool in the city. (This is kind of like an engagement present — both are older and don’t really need anything material.)

    I’m thinking along the lines of a cooking class, a gift certificate to a cool cocktail bar, maybe even a local cheesemonger? They like the arts, too, if there’s some sort of theater/cultural event. I’m looking to stay under $200, ideally closer to $150 or less….but I will also be giving a wedding gift at some point so could file away bigger ideas.

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