ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 295 Comments

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Collared Sheath Dress in Bi-Stretch Wool Blend

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A woman wearing a black dress and black heels

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This collared sheath dress from J.Crew caught my eye as a fun twist on a typical sheath. I love the gold buttons and pocket details, and the short sleeves are the perfect length for wearing with or without a topper.

It also comes in royal blue if you’re looking to add some color to your wardrobe.

The dress is $298 at J.Crew and comes in sizes 00–24.

A more affordable option is from Talbots; it's available in four size ranges (but in lucky sizes only) for $126.75 on sale.

Sales of note for 3/26/25:

  • Nordstrom – 15% off beauty (ends 3/30) + Nordy Club members earn 3X the points!
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale + additional 20% off + 30% off your purchase
  • Banana Republic Factory – Friends & Family Event: 50% off purchase + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off all sale
  • J.Crew – 30% off tops, tees, dresses, accessories, sale styles + warm-weather styles
  • J.Crew Factory – Shorts under $30 + extra 60% off clearance + up to 60% off everything
  • M.M.LaFleur – 25% off travel favorites + use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – $64.50 spring cardigans + BOGO 50% off everything else

295 Comments

  1. I could use some advice. DH and I both agree it’s time to move and we’ve been looking for a house or land for a few years in an area where we used to live. What we want is hard to find so it is not surprising it is taking a long time, but he vetoes everything. There’s usually a vague reason but once I ask questions it comes out that he thinks it’s too expensive. I don’t disagree things are expensive, but we agreed on a budget that would be very comfortable for us. How do I get to the bottom of this? He shuts down when I bring up the topic.

    1. is he having second thoughts about actually moving but is worried to tell you that, so making excuses? I would ask him straight out.

      1. I have asked that and he said no. I believe him on that point as he does complain about our current neighborhood. I suspect he may be having second thoughts about the location we identified to move to, but he doesn’t offer up alternatives.

        1. Are we married to the same man? I don’t have any advice but so, so much sympathy. I have realized that for my DH, a lot of it is just rooted in the fear of change. I told him that I’m not going to drag him along on my decisions, that he needs to figure out how to act like an adult or we will just be in our current house forever (which is fine by me, he’s the one who wants to move more). I’ve also realized that my DH is a total perfectionist so any small issues are going to be reasons to reject a house. It’s exhausting.

    2. I feel ridiculous with this rec, but is this something he needs to talk out? Like there’s some deeper emotional reason he doesn’t want to buy a house? Fears about money, fears about the future? Looking for a house “for a few years” raises red flags for me.

      1. I think there is some of this, for sure. The challenge is that it’s not founded in reality at all, as we could pay for the new house with cash. I don’t know how to approach this issue since there is no logic I can use to convince him.

        1. Then, honestly, you need to accept that you are not going to buy a new house with him until you figure out what his actual concern is (and maybe he doesn’t even know yet). Whether you figure it out through therapy or just talking to him or whatever, I would stop focusing on the house search, and start trying to figure out how to get to the bottom of what his actual resistance is.

        2. What is your current living situation? When you say that you can pay with cash, is it because you are factoring in being able to sell your current home quickly?

          Any chance of renting out the current home (if you own), so that if the new place doesn’t work out, you can go back to the current place?

          1. Our current living situation is that we own our home. We will need the equity from this home to buy the next one if we want to pay cash, but we don’t need to pay cash. I don’t want to be a landlord so that is not an option.

          2. Thank you the extra info.

            I’m guessing that you want to move back to an area in which you used to live because it’s nicer, easier commute, lower crime, more walkable, whatever amenities it is you want.

            Spitballing here, your husband cares less about that amenities than you do and is content in your current home.

            I think this is one in which a financial planner would be helpful, and maybe a counselor who specialises in financial issues.

            If you are anything like the handful of couples I’ve seen with this problem, one partner (usually – always – the husband) really does not care to upgrade. He will file it away on his mind as being frivolous. He will have More Sensible uses for your money. You don’t need to keep up with the Joneses! Golden handcuffs! You’re little Spendy Susie!

            Thing is, while some people can be frivolous with their life upgrades, many others are not, and it’s unfair to slap that label on any upgrade to your lifestyle. That’s actually not analytical; it’s reactive and emotional. Hence why a financial planner is a good investment.

            Even if it’s a bit of a stretch, sometimes you spend the money because a divorce is more expensive. Not exaggerating – I know a couple who split because he insisted on living in an old, cramped, builder grade house on an extremely expensive piece of property, and she wanted to tear it down and an upgrade to a house with, eg, a bathroom large enough to turn around in. I kid you not, they could have done the tear-down for what they spent on legal fees on that divorce.

    3. Is he having issues that even though you can afford it he feels like he shouldn’t pay that much for a house? Or that the money would be better used elsewhere?

    4. Marriage counseling

      Also be less ridiculous with your wish list. Both of you. If you want to move you need to select from
      What is available.

      1. I agree with your first point – I watch my FIL do this to my MIL a lot – agree to something in principle, let her do all the research, and then when it comes down to actually implementing he won’t commit and only offers vague reasoning. Changing your mind is one thing, but you need to articulate that to your partner so they don’t just keep spinning your wheels. I don’t think your marriage is doomed or anything, but I agree

        To the second point, disagree – We don’t actually know what’s on their wishlist. When you’re already in a home that’s fine and there’s no immediate pressing need to move, I think you can be more particular with the next property. It sounds like it’s not urgent that they move and that some things have come up that were acceptable to OP (just not her husband due to vague reasons).

          1. I don’t see that as concerning. There are some weird niche real estate microenvironments in the US – I’ve bought and sold in a few of them and things have indeed taken years. Plus as Anon @ 10:09 said, they don’t NEED to move, they want to. It might be that OP’s husband is stuck in what my mom calls Analysis Paralysis, where he’s overthinking everything and refusing to make a decision, since he has the luxury of doing so.

        2. This this this. I get the feel that OP is doing 100% of the house hunting (or close to it) while her husband sits back and says “no, not that” and “not that one either.”

          If he were the one doing the hunting he’d be more invested in it. That’s the first step, OP. Stop leading the process. Don’t put yourself in the position of begging for his approval all the time. Eff that noise.

          1. But if OP stops taking the lead he won’t pick up the slack and they will never move.

          2. This. If he takes no ownership of the search, everything wrong with the new house (and there will be things wrong with it) will be your fault.

      2. Agreed on both points. There is no such thing as the perfect house. You get what’s available and then work with it to make it yours and a lot can be fixed.

        1. I understand this is how most people operate, but we would rather wait to move than get something that’s not optimal. The wait isn’t the issue I’m trying to fix, it’s that each time I find something that meets our stated needs my husband comes up with a reason it isn’t going to work and I have to start again.

          1. I totally get this OP. DH and I lived in a tiny cold (cute!) cabin for 3 years between selling our house and moving into our new house that we built on land we found and cleared. We could have moved into a house much faster if we would have just bought what was on the market or built a different house, but there wasn’t a pressing need for us to move faster – like we weren’t completely out of space, we didn’t have unfathomable commutes, it wasn’t dangerous. Yes our lives got way easier when we were in the new place, but sometimes it’s absolutely worth waiting years to find what you want.

      3. We don’t have a ridiculous wish list. As others have pointed out, since our current home is fine we don’t have any pressure to move and we don’t want to leave enough to downgrade. The market we want to go into is predominantly old, extremely large homes which is not a fit for us. Our agent warned us up front we either have to build or it will be a long wait to get into this area and we are fine with both options. The problem is that there have been a few properties that have come up that met our criteria and we let them slip away because of my husband’s flip flopping.

        1. While I still think he needs to figure himself out…:) Can you switch the thought process to buying land for investment reasons vs. to build a house on right away? perhaps that would move the needle?

          We owned the land we built on for 8 years before we built on it, and for 5 years didn’t have any plans at all with it. While it’s not the most liquid asset, I really believe that land in good areas is something that will continue to increase in value. Once we decided to build it was a two year process for our custom home – one year to clear the land, work with the architect to come up with the plans, to get all of the quotes, and get the bank approval. The next year we built and it was 6 months between groundbreaking and moving in. That was for a 2000 square foot house + full basement, so for an even bigger home I’d add another year.

    5. Does he feel like he’s overpaying, because the housing market has gone truly insane? Some people don’t want overspend, even if they can afford that particular expenditure.

      IMHO, the costs of housing are only going to go up, especially if interest rates are going to get cut. The economy is doing well for people who buy houses and not-well for people at the bottom, so economic headwinds aren’t going to take the prices down. Whatever he has in mind houses cost five years ago, they don’t cost that now and won’t ever again.

      1. Yes, I think this is part of it. I don’t know how I can convince him of this, but I agree and have tried to show him if we bought one of the first properties he vetoed that it would have already appreciated by a significant amount.

        1. That strategy might have backfired—he could very well think that prices have risen so much that it no longer makes sense to buy.

          1. But there is a very good chance prices will rise more when interest rates are cut. If you’re paying cash, you should buy now as opposed to later.

            This is just what houses cost now. Candy bars don’t cost thirty cents. Gas isn’t a dollar a gallon. Unfortunately, real estate costs a LOT of money and probably won’t come down (relative to inflation) for many years.

    6. I’m frustrated on your behalf reading this.

      I’d say stop doing the legwork. See what he does. Will he take the lead? Is he just rejecting everything you found because you found it?

      Shutting down when you try to talk about a serious issue is a marital issue. That is not acceptable.

    7. I was your husband in this. It wasn’t until I was presented with what I could get for the budget I had in my head (several hundred thousand less than the agreed budget), that I conceded the budget we had agreed on was how much we needed to spend. Husband also “sensed” the budget I had in my head and realized that I would need to see that budget before he would let it go. For me, it was that I had a certain number in my head was a “rich person” house, not what we would spend, and needed to come to an acceptance that we would buy a “rich person” house. And, yes, this whole comment is exceedingly privileged. But, my advice is you need to strategically show your husband cheaper properties or ones with compromises on the wish list and then come back to the drawing board.

      1. Thank you. This seems a lot like what I’m dealing with so I will give this strategy a try.

      2. I think this is really good advice and I’d try it!

        Also, how is your husband about change and spending money in general? And are these true vetos or is he just indecisive until it’s not an option any more? Because that’s my husband. And we’ve realized that in our relationship I’m going to be the one who’s push things forward and he’s going to just kind of go along with it. I don’t railroad him, I definitely listen to his desires and he gets to have true vetos. But renting a house, buying a house, renovating the kitchen after a minor flood, every vacation we’ve ever taken, even to a small extent the timing of when we had our first kid were all pretty me driven.

    8. Did he grow up lower income? My husband can’t get his head around buying a house that we could easily pay cash for because his parents never could have afforded anything like it and therefore it’s “too expensive”. Drives me crazy, especially since I’m the one bringing in the majority of the income.

    9. I have couple friends where the husband was like this. They looked for a new house for at least a year (while she was pregnant and then with a newborn – the initial plan had been to move before baby was born) before finally finding one. All of us who know them knew it was a him problem, and that it likely revolved around something akin to the houses not being worth it or hoping to get a good deal. I think she eventually put her foot down and said “this is the house I want, let’s get it.” It sounds like he had trouble wrapping his head around how crazy the market was in our area and how much that was driving bidding wars and crazy high prices that hadn’t been quite so crazy 1-2 years earlier. There were no “deals” to be had, as much as he wanted one. When it came time to sell their former house, he also insisted that it was worth more than the buyer eventually paid for it. I had to remind him that a house is worth what someone will pay for it, and that unfortunately the market turned on a dime when interest rates started to rise and while he may have found a buyer at his desired price had he listed it 2 months earlier, the market had changed and it was no longer “worth” what he thought it was worth. In your situation, the plus side is that the house you’re selling is likely also worth more than it was years ago when you started looking (as long as you don’t drag your feet listing it like my friend did). Like others have said, this is a topic worth exploring in counseling to get him to examine and voice his real concerns, or with a financial advisor or real estate person who can be a neutral third party to talk some sense around how much you really need to spend to get what you want.

    10. My husband was like this. His hesitation stemmed from anxiety about a lot of things. Money, location, FOMO, probably some feelings of inadequacy because he couldn’t have gotten any house let alone a SFH by himself (but I could). It both helped and hurt that he happened to be deployed part of the time we were looking; he eventually had to accept that I was going to make the decision with or without him.

      At the same time I can REALLY understand hesitation about the market rn. Prices have skyrocketed, and are still sky high, and interest rates have more than doubled in such a short time, but we keep hearing that things will get better just around the corner! It’s hard to know what information to trust. You think about what your money could’ve gotten you three years ago vs now. I experienced some of this when we bought in late 2022. Interest rates were on the rise but my broker said they would come back down in like a year (nope). Property prices were high but starting to plateau, there was talk of dropping prices, so I was worried about buying high and having negative equity. We went for it and I’m glad we got in before interest rates spiked even more.

  2. Can we please stop putting giant gold buttons on everything Jcrew??? I have spent a small fortune in the last year paying my tailor to remove them. This dress would be very nice with a more subdued button.

      2. I love them in theory, but not on myself. It’s too showy or something. But not in a cool way.

        2. Shiny buttons, so English amirite.

          Also, come on, learn to sew on a button! If you’re spending a “fortune” at the tailor’s for something this simple, it’s time to up your very, very basic life skills.

          1. What? I don’t own this at all and I know how to sew on a freaking button, thanks. I also don’t want to add to my task list of finding an appropriate button so I’ll skip this one.

    2. Agree. This feels like a button/pocket version of that “slap a bird” on it joke from Portlandia.

    3. I have spent time and money getting rid of all those J. Crew gold buttons. I love the results but agree with OP. Gold is not the look for a big portion of shoppers. I wish they offered an option. Meanwhile, if anyone needs J.Crew gold buttons, I have them in multiple sizes.

    4. While I generally love gold toned things (it’s the only jewelry or metallic wear, for example) I think that if not done right, it makes the garment look cheap or tacky, and that happens a lot with J Crew

      1. I can see a button, but I wouldn’t buy a new garment with the intent of replacing the buttons because I don’t enjoy such a task.

        1. Same. Button replacement is a relatively easy repair I make often, but I’m not going to invest the kind of time it takes to do it properly in a brand new garment.

    6. The buttons are rediculous. It’s too bad too, it’s a nice dress otherwise. I could switch the buttons out myself but I’m not interested in doing it on a brand new garment.

    7. Ugh, same to Tuckernuck. Why does a sweater dress need gold buttons on the shoulder like some odd combination of toddler clothes and grandma clothes?

    8. I LOVE the buttons. One of my favorite tops right now is a turtleneck with the gold buttons at the collar. I think it really elevates a boring turtleneck. And the sparkle buttons at the holidays were wonderful. I’m loving their button game lately.

  4. I posted on Friday about issues with my legal assistant/paralegal. I work in litigation. Everything we do is contingency fee so no billable hours to track what she is doing on a day to day basis. I know at least one person said the distinction between legal assistant and paralegal is usually a big one. This woman was hired as a paralegal, but it seems that she is more of an assistant based on her capabilities and in reality what she does day to day. She told me she has worked as a paralegal for 5 years but at a firm that did not do any litigation.

    For those who have both in their firms, can you please tell me the distinctions between the two roles?

    As background, this is a midlaw firm. I worked for 4 years at a very small firm where in reality I was both the lawyer and support staff and the legal assistant really only answered the phone and did some basic letters.

    1. In my experience as a paralegal at a very small firm, I did much more thought-work than the legal assistant did. The assistant organized files, stuffed envelopes, typed materials that had been drafted or dictated already, answered phones, scheduled, etc. I did research, drafted materials for the attorneys to review, edited the attorneys’ drafts, etc.

    2. I’m not sure other people’s experiences will be very helpful to you, since as you note different firms use the same title differently. Instead of trying to figure out if she’s really a proper paralegal, I recommend framing it this way: is there currently a problem you need to solve? It sounds like maybe the problem is that you have certain expectations of the kind of work she can do, but she isn’t doing it. How does that manifest? Does she do it but with poor quality or very slowly? Does she refuse to do it, saying it’s not in her job description? What’s the result – are you being left to do work you don’t have bandwidth for?

      Once you’ve identified the problem, the next step is to get feedback from someone with authority/experience to address it, probably a managing or senior partner. Since you seem unsure about the expectations of Jane’s role, that’s how I recommend framing the ask. “I just wanted to get your thoughts on the kind of work that Jane typically does. I’ve run into issues with XYZ, and I wanted to understand whether my expectations are aligned with the firm’s, or if we need to find another solution for getting XYZ done.”

      1. Thank you this is exactly what I need to hear. I am truly having issues with everything and I don’t know what to do other than throw my hands up. She just sent me several team messages saying she can’t get in touch with the partner over a non-urgent question and is asking me where he is. He is currently in a deposition that she drafted and served the deposition notice for (with my help) and she was the one who put the deposition on his calendar. She has access to our calendars. UGH!

        1. This happened to me multiple times and my response was “In the time it took for you to ask me this question you could have looked it up yourself. Do you need help learning to use our calendaring program? Because I am happy to help but you would get the information faster if you looked it up yourself.” Followed the next time with: “X – you are the one who drafted the notice, served it and added it to the calendar. Are you having computer issues?” (It turned out BTW that she was not actually at her computer; we finally figured out she had a mouse jiggler to make it look like she was active on Teams but she was not working. And she complained loudest when we RTO!)

          1. I wish I could say that. I am no where near as firm. I said “xx depo per his calendar” that but she still complained to the partner based on prior interactions similar to that. I think it’s the lack of attention to detail and then lack of ownership that drives me the most crazy. To that response she said “oh yeah I forgot. I haven’t have my coffee yet today haha.”

        2. Don’t accept her assignment but put it back on her. You don’t need to be mean to her but instead of telling her what his calendar says, tell her she can check his calendar for herself. You are accepting her ineptness as an assignment for you to do her leg work for her when your time is better spent doing your own job.

        3. The response to her Teams message saying she can’t reach Partner is “What’s on his calendar?”. Quick. Short. No work for you. Even if you know where he is, refer her to the information source rather than being the information source.
          You may need to break down and address each annoyance individually until overall she’s less of an impediment. Frustrating maybe, but better in the long run for you then continuing to rail (even only mentally) against her when she’s not really yours to manage.

        4. It sounds like she has trouble or isn’t doing any problem solving before coming to you with an issue. Can you throw that back on her? “Jane, the best way to be valuable to me in your role is to try to solve a problem before coming to me with questions. It’s fine if none of the things you try work, or if sometimes you need some guidance on what tools to use to try to solve a problem, but when you come to me I want to hear that you’ve tried at least two reasonable things first. Can you put a post-it on your monitor to remind you of that?” In her case, it might be things like “check the electronic file for the document if you think it’s been filed already, check the schedule to see if the document has been finished if you can’t find it in the file” or “check Bob’s calendar to see where he is, decide if you can wait until your next meeting with Bob to talk to him about the issue.” I’ve honestly been most impressed with staff who come to me with questions and say “I’ve already tried A, B, and C, what do you suggest I do next?” rather than “I can’t figure out X.” Even “I’m not sure how I would go about figuring out X. What resources do you suggest I use?” is better than just not taking any initiative. It used to drive me nuts in my last job when someone would ask me where to find something on our intranet, when they could have found it by using the search tool in the time it took to ask me.

          2. Fair point about the post-it. Maybe save that for after the next time she fails to do any problem solving. “Jane, we’ve talked about you taking a few steps to solve problems before coming to me with questions. How can we make sure that gets added into your typical workflow? Would a post-it on your monitor help? Or some other kind of reminder?”

    3. I’m not sure what the normal distinction matters as much as what was the job description she was hired for, what do you need her to do, and does she have the skills/training to do that? If not, you or someone needs to get her trained up – and if you want her to use her brain more that can include helping her learn and practice how to problem solve without being snippy or frustrated with her. Like in your example, I don’t think it’s particularly weird for an assistant to ask someone where someone else is but seems like it was really irritating to you – I’m sure she senses that and it’s not helping things. If she has questions, instead of answering them you need to work with her on problem solving which will be a lot of pointing her in the right direction of how to find that answer or asking her what she’s already tried and giving some suggestions. Part of this is teaching her how to do things that come up a lot and part of it is developing a habit of how you want her to approach her work.

  5. I could use recommendations for something to wear under shirts. I hold weight in my tummy, and I’m self-conscious of my little pooch. I have some beautiful silk shirts, but I’m reluctant to wear without something underneath to just give me a bit of smoothing. I don’t need shapewear that holds you in tight. I’m really looking for something super lightweight (think Lululemon type fabric and feel) that stays put and isn’t fussy to wear underneath. Short sleeves (to protest my blouses from deodorant) would be amazing.
    Any recs? I have a Yummy tank, which is fine, but I feel like I have to wrestle it at the bottom sometimes to keep it in place. Maybe some bodysuits would be better. Has anyone found something like this that they love and wear all the time?

    1. I’d recommend looking at both SKIMS and Yitty. I know, I know. Recommending brands from Kim K and Lizzo might not be PC but those brands have what you are looking for.

    2. The J Crew Factory reversible layering tank top works really well for this purpose. It’s not short-sleeved, but I like that it provides just a tiny bit of smoothing and stays in place. It seems to be cut high enough around the arms that it’s doing the job of protecting from deodorant. It’s kind like a bodysuit fit.

      1. Not the OP but thank you! I’ve been wearing something like this from Nordstrom and their Halogen line for years and they stopped making them! Have been searching for a replacement for ages. OP, I don’t understand how anyone wears a blouse without something like this underneath, it will make your whole closet wearable.

    3. I think some kind of smoothing high-waist shorts would work better on a pooch than a tank, and if these fit right you don’t need to wrestle. Think spanx a size or two larger than needed, just for the smoothing. Re bodysuits, I’m past the age where I want to be dealing with a bodysuit every time I go to the bathroom.

      1. Haha, I also don’t want to be dealing with high waisted shorts every time I go to the bathroom! Last time I wore those was as a wedding guest, and I tried to use the gusset to pee because the shorts were all tucked into my bra to keep them up…. and then I peed on my hand too. Next.

        1. Not sure why you are laughing at a reasonable suggestion. Most high-waisted shorts are no different than wearing bike shorts but a little more snug. If you’re tucking them into a bra, they’re too high and sounds like too big.

          1. Spanx actually shows them tucked under a bra so they stay up. They’re not too long. That’s how they’re supposed to fit.

    7. Spanx and brands like that sell compression camisoles, but I do hear you on the challenge of keeping them from rolling/popping upwards. The only time I’ve been successful at keeping them tucked was when I tucked them into Spanx shorts. It’s very girdled, but I actually kind of like feeling girdled.

    8. I wear cheap bodysuits from Amazon. I think the brand is mangopop. I have square necks and v necks.

    9. J Crew Factory REVERSIBLE LAYERING TANK TOP. The only thing worth buying from J Crew Factory, imo.

      1. Agreed. It is amazing. But for sleeves, I prefer the Uniqlo airism line. Not shapewear — just enough of a layer to smooth.

  6. Will be traveling to Lima, Peru in May. Any recommendations for things to do, see, eat (we have no dietary restrictions)?. Thanks in advance :-)

    1. Assuming you’re going to other places in Peru and have all that nailed down I’ll keep my recs to just Lima.

      The Museo Larco is fabulous – you can see all the gold stuff they dug up at Machu Picchu and other sites.

      I did a food tour through Limagourmetcompany.com – very fun small group tour with a good guide. We went to a photogenic market, an upscale restaurant for a ceviche class and pisco tasting and then to a big restaurant at an archeological site for hearty Peruvian favorites.

      If you want a day trip consider going to see the Nazca Lines. I used nazcaflights.com for a one day trip. Early hotel pickup (6:00 AM?) and transfer to a very comfy and luxurious tourist bus, met by a driver at Paracas who took me to a place for lunch and then the flight, and dropped me back at the bus for the return journey. I arrived back around 8:00 PM, so it wasn’t a brutally long day, and much of it was spent enjoying the view from the bus window. The Nazca Lines themselves were amazing.

      Knickknack Shopping – Don’t miss the Miraflores Indian Market – a big complex with all possible Peruvian souvenirs handily grouped together. Prices were good and the vendors were cheerful and friendly but not aggressive.

      1. I loved Museo Larco. It also has a nice onsite restaurant surrounded by flowers and fun throw pillows. 100% our favorite thing in Lima. Also, if there’s ever a big earthquake, that collection will be gone.

        Peru is cheaper than the US, so we did a crazy tasting menu at Maido. Loved it! Central and a few others are among the emerging top restaurants in the world. If that’s your thing, but the French Laundry is too expensive, look into a tasting menu here. I’m not as adventurous so Japanese influence felt more interesting than Central.
        Miraflores was fun. Also driving below the insane cliffs in a taxi without seatbelts is an experience you get whether you want to or not!

        1. Agree with another poster. Don’t come all the way to South America if you’re not also going to Cuzco/Sacred Valley. Machu Picchu and the other ruins in that area are astounding. Lima is very cool but it’s a sprawling, diverse city that’s hard to navigate with some areas you shouldn’t go. We did some fun day trips in the area, but Cuzco was so much easier as a tourist.

    2. Sushi, obviously
      Will you be able to go to Cuzco? When I had a case in Lima I was told not to go there until I had time to go to Cuzco. (Not at all saying that you shouldn’t go, just that you should make the trip if you can.)

    3. Huaca Pucllana for ruins (replicant, but still cool) and Restaurante Huaca Pucllana.
      Tanta restaurant, or anything by Astrid and Gaston (celebrity chef couple from Peru). Tanta is the most accessible of their restaurants and is a chain.
      I did an excursion for swimming with sea lions off the coast of Lima once which was really interesting! If you don’t mind ocean swimming.

      A couple notes on safety-
      I had my phone stolen by a pickpocket in Lima Miraflores mall once. Watch out for pickpockets and keep your valuables close.
      Taxis can be very risky in Lima but I have had good experiences with Uber.

    4. Agree on Restaurante Huaca Pucllana and Astrid & Gaston. I would start stalking immediately to see if you can snag a reservation at Central, but if not, Kjolle (same chef, similar concept) is also outstanding.

      Lima is such an outstanding food city — you will have some great meals.

    5. I just went and had a great time. I had my toddler with me so I didn’t make the Macchu P trip. All the food was great- tons of ceviche! If you like cats, go to the cat park and pet cats. Neat experience.

      We stayed at the AC Marriott and found a lot within walking distance.

      Barranco was a cool area for day visits.

  7. I have a work situation that I’m not quite sure how to handle. A couple of weeks ago, one of my direct reports told me that he had some weird things happening in his personal life but did not elaborate. I did not press for more. It could be any number of things: elder care issues with his elderly parents, his own health issues, another family member’s, etc. Since then, he’s been in and out, randomly working from home with no warning, and just generally seems kind of flustered and out of it. It feels like I should follow up with him in some fashion because I’m genuinely concerned, but I don’t want to be a busybody. But also, from a work standpoint, the absence without much explanation isn’t great. His work is getting done, albeit at a slow pace. He is submitting vacation requests for the times when he’s completely unavailable. If I follow up with him, how?

    1. You could offer him whatever resources your company has and for which he is eligible: intermittent FMLA, EAP service, etc.

      1. Agree – it sounds like he’s starting to have performance issues (being out of it,
        Slow pace). It’s better for everyone if he’s got some protected thing going on that you are on the same page. Do you have good HR?

      2. This. When I have had big issues like this, intermittent FMLA would have been a godsend. I just didn’t even know about it.

        1. A godsend that involves not getting paid instead of taking PTO you’ve earned. I am very surprised that many commenters here aren’t realizing that not letting him work from home and making him take FMLA instead would be substantially cutting into his income.

          2. He can also say no to FMLA. He can’t say yes to something he isn’t offered and might not know is an option.

          3. Our policy thankfully allows you to do both (take FMLA and still use accrued vacation or sick leave).

    2. Since he is taking PTO when he’s out, and primarily available when he’s not taking PTO, and his work is getting done (although slowly), what is the exact concern? If he was a mom with young kids going through unnamed personal issues, would you be less inclined to pry? I just feel like we all want/need flexibility when it’s for ourselves, and if his work is getting done, I’d extend the same courtesy.

      1. We’re a small team and I’m trying to give him some cover without him needing to feel the need to explain to others that he’s absent.

      2. Work getting done slowly and availability is the issue! That’s a huge burden on a team.

        1. And if he goes on intermittent FMLA (which means he won’t be getting paid when he doesn’t work), how is this better for the team? It doesn’t open up the head count, in almost all circumstances. It just means instead of taking PTO he’s already earned, he’ll take leave without pay.

          1. For some people, it can ease the mental burden.

            It allows colleagues to have a more consistent idea of when he can turn around work and how much he can handle. His performance reviews should reflect the decreased availability, which is beneficial.

            In some ways, it’s like going to an 80% schedule.

          3. I don’t think it’s any colleague’s business, especially if it’s legit PTO being taken. I don’t know any manager worth their salt who would communicate why someone is out and who is on a PIP or who is getting outstanding reviews because folks need to swim in their own lane. This is between the company (manager) and the employee and no one else’s business whether the approved time off is allocated as PTO or FMLA, especially if it turns out later as a health issue.

            I also think workforce issues are a long game. If an otherwise great employee doesn’t get support, that sends a much bigger signal that will hurt impressions of the employer among colleagues. It’s been almost 15 years, and I can still remember the boss I had who called a dedicated coworker in the morning after her mother died to ask her to set up plans for her team for the next couple of weeks (she was likely only going to be out a few days and their was no immediate urgency, but he just wanted to throw his weight around and didn’t want it to fall on himself). She had a call on what to do with the body while she was sitting at her desk. How you treat someone when they’re at their weakest is what separates a good manager from the rest.

            If he’s taking time off that he’s earned and he’s getting the work done and is otherwise a good employee, I think it’s far worse to try to “make an example” for colleagues on having him use limited FMLA time in addition to PTO.

          4. FMLA doesn’t mean he won’t get paid. At all of the employers I’ve worked for, you have to use PTO with FMLA until you run out.

          5. “If an otherwise great employee doesn’t get support, that sends a much bigger signal that will hurt impressions of the employer among colleagues.”
            +1000000

    3. If I were your otherwise strong employee and going through something I didn’t want to share private details about AND was still getting my work done, I’d be so grateful if my supervisor had my back and didn’t come down on me for WFH technicalities.

    4. I don’t think it’s out of line to ask him to give you a heads up if he’s WFH. Otherwise, I agree with the other poster about letting him know about company resources.

    5. Honestly, this is where care and compassion can mean so much to an employee who is struggling with personal things. It sounds like, from your description, that he is generally a solid performer and this is highly unusual. Think critically about what you need, and help him prioritize. If work is getting done but slowly — is he missing deadlines, or is he just working at 70% instead of 100% like normal? If he’s putting in absence requests, then it shows that he’s sensitive to making sure that he’s not representing that he’s available and then just not doing work, which is good.

      Make sure that he knows that you have EAP or other services, and that he understands what might be available under FMLA (depending on the issue he could use intermittent FMLA). I would express what you said here — I’m genuinely concerned about you as a person and want you to feel supported, while also meeting our work goals.

      It’s also clear that it’s something he doesn’t want to share for whatever reason (addiction? breakup? terrible health diagnosis for him or a loved one? crazy neighbor stalking him and making his life miserable? Could be anything!) and as frustrating as it is to not know, you should keep your compassion and assume good intentions from him until it gets untenable.

      2. +1. If he’s otherwise been a good employee, I’d much rather accommodate what I could short term for retention.

    6. I disagree with some of this advice as the person who has been in his shoes. If he has something going on that falls into a protected leave category, it’s protective for him to document that (e.g., take intermittent FMLA or otherwise). I don’t think you need to pry for details, but I would follow up with him and say “Hey, I know you’ve been taking PTO when you are out of the office. Of course I don’t need to know what’s specifically going on with you, but I wanted to share we have a variety of benefits that you could benefit from. For example, [insert list of things like FMLA, EAP, etc.]. Happy to connect you with HR if you don’t feel comfortable discussing with me.”

      1. FMLA means not getting paid. Not everyone wants to do that when their manager could allow them to WFH or use the PTO hours they’re entited to.

          1. Why would you want to take FMLA concurrently with PTO? Wouldn’t you save the FMLA for when you ran out of PTO?

          2. At a previous job you were required to use accumulated PTO if you went on FMLA, and it ran concurrently. So if you had six weeks of PTO saved, you used that time and then had six weeks of FMLA available to you.
            This was in Indiana, not sure if the same is legal in all states.

          3. Exactly – Anon at 11:23. You save the FMLA if you can. Why burn two things at once? The concurrent FMLA/PTO favors the employer.

          4. I guess it depends on your employer. OP seems very reasonable! But if you’re not taking FMLA, then some employers might fire you because your job isn’t legally protected. Some FMLA reasons cross over with ADA reasons and some do not. Illness of a family member is one that jumps immediately to mind.

          5. At my company, intermittent FMLA is for someone who has a known issue that could have them missing enough days of work that it could make it look like they’re abusing PTO. One example is someone whose spouse had cancer – she took PTO to take him to his appointments or would take unscheduled days off if he had a bad night. The FMLA was to protect her job while she was dealing with this so she could still take PTO and get paid, but wasn’t in violation of the absence policy.

          6. Many employers require them to run concurrently. Also FMLA offers job protection that PTO doesn’t, so there are good reasons for an employee to use them concurrently even if it’s not required.

          7. You might want to take them concurrently if you need the job protection, or you need PTO on a timeline that wouldn’t ordinarily be approved (eg. I might have 3 weeks of PTO available, but if I asked for all of it in a chunk, with no warning, during busy season, I wouldn’t get it approved)

        2. If you have sick leave or vacation leave available, you can normally use it during FMLA time.

    7. I would check in with him. He is being conscious by taking PTO. Share company benefits and let him know he can ask you if he needs something outside of that to get through this.

      I would not mention work getting done at a slower pace yet if it’s not having a major impact. If it is, reassign work. If he is close to running out of PTO maybe offer he go to an 80% schedule short term.

    8. Does your company have a policy for situations like this that you should be following? For example, if there’s an in-office expectation, it may not be within your discretion to allow one employee to WFH without having some sort of formal documentation that it’s a temporary accommodation for X reason, and aligning with him on an expectation of when normal work schedule will resume.

      For following up with him, I recommend addressing it with (1) information you need and (2) action items for him. A general compassionate check in like, “How is everything going?” is also fine, but if you’re trying to address the absenteeism, be direct about it. “I appreciate you letting me know you have some personal things going on, but your working from home without notice is causing coverage gaps (or whatever the issue is). Going forward, can you (whatever solution you think would be reasonable)?”

    9. Having been this employee, let the person know you’re there. Express that you don’t need to know if they don’t want to tell you the details, but ask how you can make the work balance easier. If they can work from home, if you can share work responsibilities with someone else, etc. volunteer them. I have had multiple caregiving situations just arise and part of it is suddenly just trying to figure out what professionals you need. It’s not always possible to figure out these situations in advance. Maybe they could use FMLA, but they may be supporting someone not covered. And to be real, most of us can’t afford it. For me, I could log in to work in between visits with doctors or in the evenings from home, but doing that and getting into the office was a strain. The person likely feels guilty but also in a situation where they can’t choose to not do the personal thing that needs to be done. As a manager when this has come up with reports, I just redistribute what is immediate and shift deadlines where possible.

    10. I would check in and say you don’t need details, but did want to be sure that he’s aware of whatever resources exist (FMLA, EAP, HR department, etc) and say you recognize his hours may be less than typical in the short term so let’s see how to prioritize and what we can take off your plate and shift to someone else for a bit or just let be on the back burner.
      You definitely do not and should not share details with others. At most, if you need someone to cover something, you can say X needs backup on Y project this month can you help?

  8. Mid size gold earrings with some detailing (like not studs, but not big hoops or dangling) seem to be on trend right now and I’m looking to buy a pair. I mostly see the trend in costume jewelry (ann taylor, j crew) but I’m allergic to that stuff, need real gold or platinum. Any suggestions for where to find a pair, not too expensive? It’s the kind of thing i used to buy a fortunoff before they started only selling patio furniture….

    2. Madewell has tons. I just got some. And they have titanium posts, which my sensitive ears will appreciate!

    5. Take a look at Tini Lux. It’s costume, but it’s advertised as super hypoallergenic. (I’m sensitive, but not allergic, to some of the costume stuff and I’ve had no issues with anything from there.) Much better price point than needing to find real gold, if the composition works for you.

  9. Any tips for looking as thin as possible in a few days – mostly minimizing water weight I guess? I have a Mardi Gras ball to attend in a few days and just want to look my best. What would you eat the day of for breakfast and lunch – I am thinking an egg for breakfast and some peanut butter for lunch? Any other ideas?

    1. You’re not going to lose weight in a few days. Don’t starve yourself for an event.

    2. Throw down a good layer of starch otherwise any alcohol on an empty stomach will wreck it and the amount of ball vomiting I’ve seen this time of year makes me light many candles for hotel housekeeping staffs.

      Everyone else will be drinking and feasting in dim light — I promise you will look fine! You can fast in Lent.

        1. 100% this. I worked an event where the balance of booze and food vendors was way off. It wasn’t pretty.

    3. Try to reduce carbs. And add fiber to your diet. So have your peanut butter with an apple for lunch (along with something else because that’s probably not going to fill you up.)

      1. I misread your post. On the day of the event you definitely need to eat some carbs, otherwise you will be hungry and then hungover later, neither of which is attractive. So eat some toast with butter along with your eggs for breakfast.

        1. Carbs make me bloat with water retention and make me much hungrier. I think this is individual.

    5. I would eat a normal breakfast and lunch to make sure I was ready to have a good time at the ball!

    6. Eat keto and most importantly no added sugar starting now. Day-of changes won’t matter much, but if you can get in a few days with no carbs to reduce bloat, that should help.

    7. The way to look your best in a ballgown is to take it to the tailor. Even if you think it fits fine they will often suggest little tweaks that make it look so much more polished. A perfectly fitted gown has much more impact than dropping a couple pounds of water weight at the last minute.

      1. This. I feel like a ball gown can be very forgiving of weight gain just by virtue of the shape.

      2. Yes, this. Crash dieting is not the way to look your best and is more likely to make you feel deprived. Getting your gown fitted properly for the body you have will have a much more impact on your appearance.

    9. If you tend to bloat from digestive issues, take something like colace or miralax the day before.

    10. My tip would be to examine why you think seeking disordered eating guidance is necessary yet alone to promote it this way.

      1. I’d rather eat in a way that makes me feel well and not bloated than whatever you think is healthier.

        1. That’s not what the OP asked, about, though. One egg and a bit of peanut butter isn’t enough to make anyone feel well, not to mention whatever is involved in dropping pounds quickly.

  10. What do you do for hair removal on your bikini line? (Talking literally what shows when wearing a swimsuit). I feel like I missed that day of how to be and adult class. Normally I shave, but I have dark hair on light skin and the follicles are still really noticeable even immediately after shaving. Is waxing better? My hesitation there is how often you have to get it done– and don’t you have to let the hair grow out before you can get it waxed again? Laser? I’ve looked into it but the expense, phew.

    1. Probably not the answer you’re looking for: boy short style swim bottoms. I don’t want to go the laser hair removal route, and I have dark hair and very light skin.

      1. Same, combo of shorts-style swim bottoms (Tyr has very short ones that last. Land’s End has longer ones that are nice, but don’t hold up long if you’re a frequent swimmer) and not caring if some hair shows beyond the shorts.

    2. Laser is the best money i have ever spent on my appearance. If I had a daughter I would start her on it at puberty. I very pale with dark skin and i am very hairy and i think of the time and energy and worry i put it into it and now, i’m basically a dolphin i’m so smooth! depending on where you live you might find a starter pack on group on (but independently research the place). I did it piecemeal over the last 10 years or so but now i basically don’t shave or tweeze or anything else except for the occasional errant one hair. I go every 6 weeks or so and they touch up my spots….

      2. Same. After decades of all of the above, I got good at basic waxing, but struggled with ingrown hairs and the grow-out period. I finally bit the bullet and it is life changing. This is why I quit gymnastics and why I never went to the beach back when I was younger — I could go for a weekend with enough notice, but after that, the ingrown hairs and regrowth kept me in shorts or caftans or just indoors.

        1. Agreed. Laser is the way to go. I did it 10 years ago, and can clean up regrowth now with 10 minutes of tweezing. Being able to wear a swimsuit spontaneously is life changing.

        2. I was advised to wait until after pregnancy to do laser, but I’m definitely doing it then. I’m SO sick of wearing shorts, especially when my hair has only covered more of my upper thigh over time. I want to wear denim shorts without worrying something is showing and to wear regular swimsuit bottoms. Shaving leaves too much irritation (which looks just as bad) and I never could get on board with the pain of waxing.

          1. I was also advised to wait until I was done being pregnant to get laser and I had nearly forgotten about it until reading this thread.

        3. This has nothing to do with the topic here – but the fact that women have to put so much thought/time/effort/pain/money into their appearance for certain activities like swimming and gymnastics while men do the EXACT SAME ACTIVITIES but don’t have to deal with any of this because of arbitrary clothing norms is infuriating. End rant.
          (And of course, you can opt out of down-there haircare – but it’s still. so. dumb.)

      3. I have laser and I love it, but it doesn’t make sense to do during puberty unless you plan on doing it a few times. You need to wait for the hormones to stabilize, otherwise the hair will grow back. The only friend I had who was unsuccessful with laser was the friend who got it done when we were 20. It grew back, but she did it again when she was older and it was fine.

        None of my friends who did laser have gotten pregnant yet, but I imagine we’ll have to re do it once we’re done with having kids for the same reason

      4. Posted below – but try an at home laser! I’m shocked at how well the Braun one is working.

      5. Even after ten years you have to go back every six weeks? Ugh, I thought it was more of a six session and done kind of thing…

        1. I did it 10 years ago (I’ve even been pregnant since then) and I would probably benefit from one touch up session, but I can clean it up myself with a few minutes of tweezers and so haven’t bothered. Might try one o the at home devices for touch up.

      6. +1 for laser after pregnancy but before your hair starts to turn white. It’s not much more expensive than waxing while you are in the middle of it (I pay slightly more than twice what I was paying per session for waxing and go half as often), and eventually you are done. As a bonus I find laser less painful than waxing.

    3. I have the same skin/hair combo and that is why I wear boy shorts-style swimsuits.

      Laser is good, though – I did it on my lower legs and wish I had done it on the swimsuit area, too.

    4. Waxing and shaving give me the most horrific ingrowns plus it’s expensive and painful. No thanks. I just use an electric razor to trim. I also have dark hair on light skin but I figure no one is getting up close when I’m in a bathing suit.

      1. +1 for a close trim (I have a bikini-specific trimmer with a smaller head) and not caring if someone sees the existence of normal body hair.

    5. I just shave. No one should be staring at my bikini Line close enough to notice follicles.

    6. I don’t. Shaving that area gives me big ingrown hair problems, and I don’t want to subject myself to the pain of waxing. I also have dark hair and pale skin so it’s very noticeable, but I don’t care if it bothers other people.

    7. Laser is the way to go ~ having paid stupid money over years and years for razors and shaving cream (old!). Also cried on the table with waxing never mind the horrific ingrown hairs. If a swim skirt suited my body type that would be my go to. Laser is the best money I ever spent. I wrote it into my spending plan for windfalls! I will not lie, it was painful…10 sessions. Now there are errant occasional hairs that I just pluck.

    8. I just shave. I have since middle school swim team. Lots of hot water, use a sharp blade (I use a mens disposable razor), deoderant or anti-acne gel afterwards.

      1. This also – change up the way you shave and give the irritation a day or two to disappear, as well.

      2. Oh, that’s a good point about using the right stuff to shave. For me, I find that cheap conditioner works better than shaving crème or gel. Both before and after shaving, I wash the area with Lever soap, which I believe is anti-bacterial. This has helped me a lot with itchiness and irritation.

        1. Same about cheap conditioner. I always cut myself with shaving cream. I think the Lever soap would help a lot too.

    9. I use a mini, battery operated trimmer. I’ve seen them in the shaving aisle at my store

      1. Can you say more about how that works? How close does it get and can you still see hair after? I would be interested in something that might not result in ingrowns…

        1. I use an electric trimmer and it gets pretty close. I still get ingrowns from it (because I get the worst ingrowns from EVERYTHING) but a normal person probably wouldn’t. To prevent ingrowns I exfoliate after shaving for a few days.

        2. I get ingrowns if I try to remove the whole hair (as in, use the trimmer with no guard and shave against the direction of growth). If I shave with the grain and accept that there will be *some* hair there, no ingrowns. So it won’t be dolphin smooth, as with the earlier poster, but I don’t think it’s noticeable for anyone but my husband. ;)

    10. Braun IPL device. I am kicking myself for not doing it sooner. Jewish with pale skin/dark thick hair and have been using it weekly since New Years and I’ve already seen a solid 40-50% reduction in hair growth/regrowth. We have a beach vacation in March and I think I’ll be nearly done (aside from touch ups) by then.

    11. I use Nair. It’s kinda stinky during the application process but I don’t get the same in-growns that I do if I shave and I’m not a fan of waxing.

      I agree that nobody should be scrutinizing one’s bikini line in a bathing suit and I also have very dark hair that makes me self-conscious.

      1. Me too. Get the sensitive-skin version and do a patch test. The itching from shave regrowth is intolerable.

    12. Just adding another vote to laser, it is literally life changing. If you post where you live people might have suggestions on places to go.

    13. Ugh, same hair, same skin, but very sensitive skin that gets ingrown hairs if I even think about waxing or shaving. I don’t think a strip of angry red pustules is better than a little hair. I keep things trimmed, I don’t have a lot, so everyone else can deal with the sight. I’m just with my family when in a swimsuit anyway.

    14. Laser. It was worth every penny. Yes it’s painful but the appointments are only 5-10 minutes long. You’re supposed to shave before each session so there’s no grow-out period required. Calculate how much you’d spend on monthly waxes for the next five years and laser might not be much worse.

    15. I use the at home Braun IPL device. It took me about 6 weeks to see results but I can go months without shaving. I did stop just to see if it would grow back and it eventually did, but it took about 4 months. Eventually I’ll probably just get it lasered if it grows back again. The Braun is way cheaper though if price is a concern and is will eventually be cheaper than getting waxed repeatedly.

    17. Accept that you’re a mammal who has hair and the follicles can show when you shave? Realize nobody is going to be staring at your crotch that closely?

      1. As my mom said at a water park – “if they’re looking, that’s their problem.”

      2. There is nothing vain or wrong about being neatly groomed if that’s what OP wants. Plus that, being hair-free is physically more comfortable for some people.

      3. This really depends on the person. I had a lot of hair in my bikini area. It would have been extremely noticeable even if someone wasn’t trying to stare at my crotch. And it went down further than boy shorts would reliably cover!

        Laser changed my life, and this is not an exaggeration. I can swim, wear short shorts, and change in front of friends without thinking about it!

      4. I get what you’re saying, I just feel self-conscious with the hair there showing in a swimsuit, it feels like having my private parts exposed. FWIW I am totally pro-body hair on women in general, but this is a personal grooming preference.

    18. I trim shorter allover and shave the part that the suit doesn’t cover, but go with the grain instead of against. It minimizes bumps and irritation. Also, I don’t go for super high cuts and am not trying to impress anyone.

    20. Laser! I’m paper white with almost black hair and laser on my legs, almost full Brazilian and under arms is the best! It’s painful but definitely worth it. I cannot imagine waxing just to have it grow back in 3 weeks while laser is almost permanent.

  11. I’ve been watching so much that I’m now thinking that bandanas look great, sexy even. Save me!

      1. Like wrapped around front to back and back again and then tied with a simple square knot (I think), peeking out from a button-up.

        I tell myself, it works on a ranch in Montana (where, from what I have seen, it is never winter; send me to Montana if it truly only has 3 seasons (calving being one of them)).

        2. lolololol having grown up in Montana, I can assure you that it is almost always winter (ok not always, but like… October-April. but I have seen snow in August.)

        3. I don’t know where you got the idea that Montana never has winter. As far as I can tell, Montana rarely has non-winter.

          1. Right? My (non-Yellowstone, non-rich-person) MT fashion/beauty considerations include but are not limited to:
            Which flannel lined jeans leave enough room for an extra pair of long johns?
            The glove/mitten trade-off between dexterity and freezing my fingers.
            Hand lotion (HA – Neutrogena hand cream is the only one)
            Pants with leg opening big enough to go over snow boots
            Will Yak-Trax wreck the shoes I want to wear?
            Wool vs synthetic long johns (in reality, whatever’s not in the laundry)
            Socks! Too thick means feet sweat and get cold. Too thin means feet just get cold. Perpetually searching for the Baby-bear’s Porridge of socks for whatever the weather is that day.
            Eyewear for early morning bike commute in 0F or lower… ski goggles are too dark. Hardware store safety glasses aren’t fashionable but they work.

  12. I’m turning 35 later this year and want to do something to celebrate this milestone birthday. I’m also feeling down about it because I’m single, no kids and very few/no friends—which is the exact opposite of how I would like my life to be, despite all of my best efforts to change it. The idea of taking a celebratory birthday trip alone just seems so sad. I’m just feeling really blue about my life and what I’ve done with it.

    So, what do you do to celebrate when you don’t feel like celebrating? My only other idea is buying myself jewelry.

    1. Well, let’s pull it back… it is hard to make friends as an adult once you’re out of school and it’s hard to meet a romantic partner always but what are some things you could do to help increase your chances? For what it is worth, the only new friends i’ve made as an adult that aren’t related to my kids were through tennis but it doesn’t have to be tennis, but is there something you like to do (an exercise class or volunteer or something)? something where one week you chat with someone and the next week you chat more and it grows a bit organically? or what do you do for work? is there someone you enjoy chatting with, maybe try to take it out of the office? To answer your actual question– what about putting some money into a hobby that might interest you (again, doesn’t have to be tennis but for example, buy yourself a racket and a cute tennis outfit and depending on your finances and circumstances sign up for some lessons or even go to tennis camp for a long weekend). Alternatively, I have heard good things about singles trip (not single like to meet people but for people travelling alone)– i think flash pack is one? I don’t know your or you circumstances and i mean this kindly but i strongly suspect that you are not putting yourself out there. There are plenty of people looking to connect, go find some!

      1. I’ve said it before, but my most recent new friendships have arisen since I adopted my rescue dog. There are other rescue dog owners in my area who connect over social media and get together with our dogs. New friends!

        1. Or you could try fostering a dog – less commitment! And then find a dog park and enjoy nature – you might make some new friends if you become a regular!

    2. Do a volunteer service trip? Check out the ethics of the sponsoring org but this would be social and feel good.

    3. For my 35th birthday, my sister, father and two friends and I spent the day working at a Habitat For Humanity site that was putting up a couple houses and went out for dinner in the evening. One of the nicest birthdays (and I’ve had over 50 of them).

    4. I’m in a similar boat, and part of my resolutions this year has been to build/deepen my friend network. While it won’t solve your birthday dillema, i really do encourage you to find ways to connect with others. I’ve started small with one person, just texting more and we set a routine to do walking chats. If you want to do a trip, something like a wellness resort stay could be a good fit. Many people do those solo, and you can get some pampering in. I haven’t been yet, but just booked civana in arizona for this April.

    5. I would take the trip. If there really is no one to go with, go alone. Solo traveling is wonderful and it will be great fodder for conversation when you do meet people. And the way I have met people in my 30s and 40s is by going places by myself and being open to conversation with those around me.

    6. Change your look to shake things up a bit. Get a dramatic new haircut and/or color. Go to a makeup counter and get a consultation – maybe try a bold lip color. Get some new clothes that make you feel great. Get some $exy heels. You are at an amazing point in your life where you have both wisdom and youth. Have fun and celebrate yourself!

    7. I always get down and in a funk around my birthday and I will say, in my experience, having a big party doesn’t make me feel better. I feel even crappier because I’m not having fun. I say lean in to wallowing, although contemporary society definitely wants you to be all positive and pretend nothing is ever bad in life.

      1. I also get down on my bday! I tend to indulge in self care – I would take a walk somewhere new, lounge in a coffee shop, get a spa treatment, order food and treats from a fancy place, and then relax at home with a new book or movie. Give yourself a break on your bday from worrying about other things – just take the day to enjoy yourself! Lots of good tips on other responses here if you want to work to change things too…

    8. When I don’t feel like celebrating – I book things for 2-3 months out. Then maybe I’ll feel like it and can build up anticipation.

      Ideas: spa services are not weird to do alone, by any measure. Donating even a small amount like $35 to several charities, or $100-350 to one you love, can feel wonderful. Maybe treat yourself to a gift card or budget to a local store you’d like to frequent, and try to go every month for a few months. (My local woman owned bookstore and coffee shop are starting to recognize me.) If you want to travel, do it. Do some random acts of kindness – pay for the person behind you in the drive up, give a larger than normal tip, genuinely compliment a few people (free!).

    9. Hi from someone about your age, single and no kids. I have a large network of friendships, many are not local to me. I don’t say this to make you feel bad- at all- I occasionally still feel lonely, and the what am I doing with my life feeling. Making and keeping friends can take a lot of work and time and energy, and a large network of friends doesn’t always mean you feel like you have friends! I regularly travel alone. I’ve learned that people often envy my solo travel. It isn’t better or worse than traveling with others, it’s just different. Lots of pros and cons to both. There are many ways to travel with groups if you want to go somewhere and don’t want to plan it all/literally be alone the whole time (women’s trip planning companies are getting more popular, I haven’t personally tried them but I know some who have and love it!). I don’t mean to blather on but I hope you know I wish you a wonderful year.

      If you have any itch to travel to the cold Midwest for your bday, I’m in a not-super-giant city and would happy take you out for a drink/help you find some things to explore. If you need something before your bday, I’m also hosting a daytime party at my place this Saturday for a wild array of women who don’t know one another, so you’d fit right in 😉 I don’t expect you to take me up on either offer, but I’m serious, I’m open to it. I’ve had wonderful women on this board make similar offers to me in the past. I’ve also made great memories from chance encounters or weekends away. I’ll check this post later tonight, zero expectation but if you want a Midwest trip soon or around your bday, I’ll reach out if you post a burner!

      1. Not the OP but this is very kind of you! I hope OP considers it – it could be fun!

      2. OP here—this is so extremely kind! Definitely open to maybe visiting, I have plenty of PTO to take. My email is atlrette123 @ g m a i l . Com.

        Thanks to everyone for their ideas—I have severe social anxiety so I try to put myself out there but it is so very very difficult. I like the dog idea (there’s a huge dog park down the street from me) but I am allergic and have a cat.

        I’ve traveled alone before and I kind of like it but I find that I end up getting anxious about being in a new place alone and end up spending the majority of my time in my hotel room. A tour might be okay…having planned activities would rule out the tendency to hibernate. Something to think about!

    10. If you want to take a trip, do that. Google group tours for women and you’ll find many going to a number of locations. There are things like just touring places to activities like yoga retreats, surfing camps, cooking classes, etc. These women won’t all be single, but it will probably be a diverse group. They also have groups by age, adventure/lifestyle, etc that are open to anyone. Plenty of people travel alone who aren’t necessarily single. Sometimes partners don’t want to travel or can’t.

      You could buy yourself jewelry, treat yourself to some pampering services, buy art or a nice bag or something you wouldn’t do normally. I’m guessing you won’t want to go out to dinner solo but a nice dinner is an option. Take any kind of lessons — maybe you’ll find one that will enable you to create a community long term. What is something you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t? Opening yourself up to new things might change some of those other variables but you have to start somewhere.

      1. I am married with a family and plan to attend a women’s surf retreat solo for an upcoming milestone birthday. A trip focused on relaxation, reflection, and/or skill-building is often best as a solo trip.

    11. I have traveled fairly often solo when I was single in my 30’s. I went to Lisbon, Argentina, Nashville, Stockholm, Paris and London solo. They were amazing trip and I don’t regret it at all!! I’ve also gone to fancy restaurants, bars, movies, museums and Broadway shows alone. I think of it as an adventure and I’m not willing to waste my life waiting for someone to join me in these activities. If you want to go somewhere, go, even if alone.

        1. Do it! I travel by myself in my 40s. The other thing to remember is that the world is a very big place with other interesting people to talk to.

    12. I was single at 35 and didn’t even really ever have a boyfriend until I met my husband almost 2 years later. We met on the apps – I was pretty diligent about checking them and being open beyond my “wish list”. I know it is hard, but if you want to meet someone, could you set a goal for yourself – like respond to a certain number of matches per month and go on one blind date a month? And even if you don’t meet someone to date, maybe you will make a new friend? You never know!

      For your bday, could you treat yourself to a makeover – get a make up consultation somewhere and buy new products, or a new haircut, or a couple of new outfits?

      35 is still so young – a lot can change in a short amount of time! Looking back, I wish I had been less self conscious of what people thought of me being single and had more adventures! It could be fun to travel somewhere, eat dinner at a restaurant bar and people watch, and see new things! I once met a cool guy on an airplane – he seemed interested in me but I was too shy to put myself out there. I wish I had said yes to things more!

      Please report back!! We are rooting for you.

  13. Maybe someone here can help – I need to get a tshirt for a 14 year old boy. He’s not large for his age; skinny and not too tall. I asked his mom what size he wears and she said “size 14.” But all the tshirts I see come in Youth S M L XL. Do I just go with a large? I don’t want to go back to ask and hoping someone here has a similarly sized teen.

    1. 14 is about when you start shopping the men’s department. I’d look at some size charts where they’re selling the t shirts that do the conversion for you. It’s probably around a men’s small.

    2. youth x or men’s small…. my 13 yo wears things big so i wouldn’t worry if it’s too large

      1. That’s probably too small. My 11 year old wears an adult small/kids large. She’s 5’1”.

      2. My slim kid who barely wears a 14 absolutely swims in a men’s small. OP, get a kids large or x-large.

    5. Hard one, that’s probably on the line of L and XL depending on brand. Are there review comments on how the shirt runs? My 8yo son is wearing mostly mediums, which are generally a 10, occasionally 10/12, and he’s average size, though leans slightly husky. I’d probably be inclined to go large…but if it’s cotton and prone to shrinking, XL would fit for longer

      1. Thanks all.i think I’ll do youth XL and get a gift receipt.

        The size guide contains no measurements, only asks what else you wear in different brands and the comments all say very helpful things like “fits TTS!” Or “great fit!”

    7. My oldest matches this description. I find that men’s XS works best for my kid. Sometimes XS might not be available. If I had to go with a youth shirt, I would pick XL.

    9. If he is even 5 feet tall I would go with an adult small rather than a kids’ XL. Kids’ clothes are short and boxy. An adult shirt the same width will be longer, which works better on a skinny kid.

  14. For those who have undergone IVF while in biglaw: what did you say about your unavailability for the egg retrieval? I’m less concerned about the appointments leading up to the retrieval; appts will be in the morning and the senior partner doesn’t come in until noon most days. Being totally unavailable for an entire day that I can’t schedule in advance is going to be tough, though. Senior partner is vehemently anti-child especially baby (he has adult kids, ofc). Everyone else on our team has kids and he often complains to me. Another complicating factor: the firm is sponsoring an event the last ~3 days of my possible egg retrieval window (which is 1.5 weeks at this point). I’ve been dragging my feet on registering for the event (which has a small fee) knowing I might not be able to/up to attending, but I was one of the cheerleaders for this event and my absence will be visible.

    Do I proceed as if everything is normal, register for the event, and just tell them I will be having a procedure at the last minute when I get the date? That doesn’t feel great. The alternative is to tell them, I need to have a procedure that requires general anesthesia but I won’t know the exact date until the day before. Do other surgeries get scheduled this way? Oh and scheduling for another cycle doesn’t help the situation, there will never be a convenient time. This is actually pretty good timing because I don’t have any “real work” conflicts like court dates, it’s just fluffy work conflicts.

    1. Just register now and then when you know what day the retrieval will be, tell people you have an “emergency medical procedure” – TBH I don’t even register when people are absent because of illness these days or if I do, it reflects well on them.

    2. I’m not big law, but I am finance, and in a role where my absence would be noted. I didn’t end up being an issue, and I did just say I’m having an elective procedure that is timing sensitive and that was fine. A couple people figured it out but c’est la vie. Think of it as practice for actually being pregnant

    3. Have done IVF twice in a travel intense, all male job.

      Register for the event, eat the fee if you can’t go.

      I’m private and we had a lot of issues with conceiving so didn’t share even with friends/family.

      Cancel at the last minute using whatever excuse would be the most favorably viewed by your team – Covid, stomach bug, injured from endurance bicycling event, make it up as long as it’s plausible.

      Good luck!

      1. This is what I would do. Go with stomach bug. When you get the call that egg retrieval is tomorrow, you can drop a comment to someone that your lunch isn’t settling well (if you want, this part is very optional). Then that night or first thing the next morning you call out/email that you have a stomach bug and will be out for the rest of the day. Absolutely no one will question it and won’t expect you to be anywhere near your computer. The next day, go back to work but move slowly, eat soup for lunch, and just generally look/act like you just got over being violently ill for 24 hours. Bonus points if the procedure/meds make you feel that way anyway. If you feel actually bad that day, call/email that you need another day to recover from the stomach bug.

        Thinking of you and hoping all goes well!

    4. Good news – this will likely be easier than you think. I’ve done seven retrievals (about to be eight, which will thankfully be our last one) and I’ve always just scheduled it as a WFH day where I’m out in the morning and back online by noon or 1 pm. They don’t actually use general anesthesia, just a light sedative like you’d get for a colonoscopy. You’re not supposed to drive or “sign legal documents” for the rest of the day, but I’ve ALWAYS been fine to work by the early afternoon.

      As to the event, I’d just register. If it turns out that the retrieval conflicts with the event, I’d just send a quick email to the contact person and say you had a conflict pop up and will miss X day. I wouldn’t give any explanation beyond that. Depending on how you feel and how strenuous the event is, you might be able to go to the afternoon/evening portion; I went out to dinner after a couple of mine.

      If you haven’t already, I’d line up some bloating-friendly work attire for the week leading up to the retrieval. And – GOOD LUCK!

      1. My last retrieval was not until 3:30pm! It would not have been possible to work that day and I struggled the following day.

      2. Just FYI, I think this is office dependent. I had four retrievals (two different REs) and both of them used general anesthesia for me.

        1. We might be saying the same thing in different ways – most clinics use propofol or midazolam for ER, which put most folks completely “out,” and you can’t eat or drink 12 hours before, etc., which is what I had and what I suspect you also had. But they’re not quite the same as general anesthesia, which paralyzes all your muscles and requires intubation. I’ve never heard of anyone being intubated for an ER.

          1. I would not expect to be able to do anything but sleep for the rest of the day after being sedated, and I would be prepared for some aftereffects such as extreme fatigue the next day as well.

          2. I didn’t know there was a difference thank you for raising that! The only other time I’ve been put under was for my wisdom teeth, which I always thought was a general anesthetic but I definitely wasnt intubated so I guess not. My jerk ex gave me a ride (after giving me a hard time) and left me at home alone with animal planet on the TV. Well it quickly changed from cute puppies to dying puppies in hoarder houses and I spent the next 5 hours sobbing about puppies and unable to figure out how to work the remote (my remote, which I used every day). So if it’s like that again, I definitely will not be working and will probably ask DH to keep my phone and laptop far away from me so I don’t send regrettable emails.

            And good luck to you! Eight is a LOT, you’re so strong!

    5. This was a boutique firm, but my retrieval ended up being on the same day as a major appellate argument for my group. I wasn’t going to be the one doing it, but I was helping moot it that week and would have attended. The timing sucked (I didn’t anticipate it, I responded slowly to meds and my stimulation ended up taking quite a bit longer than expected), and I wasn’t comfortable sharing about IVF with pretty much anyone while I was going through it. I said that I had to have a medical procedure requiring general anesthesia and I expected it to be on Thursday but there was a chance based on OR availability that it would be moved a few days in either direction, and it was time-sensitive and hospital procedures were not avoidable. It sounded like a bullshit story to me, but they believed it (I know because I actually told one of my coworkers two years later, and he was really surprised).

    6. I’d treat it like an emergency medical procedure for which you have no notice. Give notice the day before and say, if anything, you need a minor procedure and will be back at work after it’s done and you’ve recovered. It could be a lot of things.

    7. Register and then say you have an emergency dental procedure. They can knock you out for those and the timing is completely unexpected.

      1. I’ve used this excuse for an emergency bartholin cyst surgery! Worked very well. Everyone understands that tooth pain can come up unexpectedly and need to be dealt with urgently.

    8. I just called in sick that day… I found it was much easier than make up a lie, and if I had said ‘medical procedure’, my team would have been worried…

    9. Register for the event and proceed as normal unless plans change. It’s OK to say you need to have an unplanned medical procedure and no additional information. Lots of things can come up on practically no notice that wouldn’t be anyone’s business, especially if a surgical opening suddenly comes up. Maybe others on this board would know, but can an ovarian cyst require near immediate attention? I’ve had no notice imaging but all were serious enough I wouldn’t want to use as an excuse. I would not breathe a word of IVF in that kind of environment.

  15. Anyone have experience investing in commercial properties- more so along the lines of office space vs warehouses. Any advice for getting started, especially on financing deals? Anecdata about the horrors of commercial tenants?

    2. I work in commercial real estate investing…it’s a loaded topic so I’ll try my best here.

      People rarely do this on their own. I’d recommend finding someone who syndicates equity and invest in their next property purchase. Let them handle underwriting, prop management, leasing, etc. watch what they do, ask questions and get answers before venturing on your own. if you’re really insistent on investing on your own, I’d start with residential.

      Also, I wouldn’t invest in office right now. Or ever? It’s such a capital drag – leases are short term in nature, require tenant improvement allowances and leasing commissions that you have to re-invest basically every 3-5 years (as leases roll). Expenses are not generally “triple net” like they are in industrial so you have an expense load to bare too. Industrial is generally back on fire again and apartments are always the darling asset class.

      I don’t understand the l”financing deals” portion of your question. Are you wanting to provide financing? Or you want to secure financing for your acquisition? Assuming the latter, this is where a good local banking relationship goes a long way. Again, office is a four letter word for most st the moment so it’ll be the hardest to finance. You should understand what a personal guaranty and “full recourse” means, also knowing that commercial mortgages are short in term and will have a balloon balance at maturity. So you’ll have to be prepared for that.

      Hopefully that gives you enough to chew on to get started.

    3. You’ll need a property manager. I assume there are property management companies that specialize in commercial spaces just like there are for residential rentals. I’d look into local companies; they might have client/potential client seminars with hopefully useful information but at least you can vet them in a lower pressure environment (vs a one on one meeting).

      Idk how common this is, but my office building had so many “frivolous” complaints from tenants that they started charging extra service fees for things like backing up a toilet or tripping the breaker with space heaters. In other words, I would not expect an office space to be hands off. And if there is a problem you might be on the hook for business interruption, so you’ll want to make sure you have appropriate insurance coverage for the type of tenant you will have.

  16. Wow — black tights + block heels + knee-grazing dress is now just looking really dated to my eyes now. Too bad that this is what I’m wearing and at work. At least my meetings after lunch are on zoom and this looks OK from the torso up.

  17. I’m in the very early stages of planning a trip to South Africa for 2025. It will be me, my active 73 year old mom and my 7 year old daughter. We’re all well-traveled and used to long haul travel, so I’m not worried about jet lag, etc. but none of us have been to Africa or on safari and I have a few questions I’d love input on:

    1) With 8-9 days in the country, does 4-5 days in Cape Town and 4 days on safari sound right? I’m anticipating my daughter may not want to do more than one game drive per day, so I’d like more time on safari than might otherwise be recommended

    2) We’re hoping to stay in malaria free regions and I’ve seen a lot of recommendations for the Madikwe game reserve – anyone been or have recommendations for specific lodges there?

    3) In Cape Town, what sort of safety precautions should we take? Is it ok to explore on our own during daylight hours, or would you recommend private guides?

    4) If you’ve been to South Africa, what sort of food safety precautions did you take? In Thailand and India I strictly followed the guidelines given to me by the local travel clinic and avoided illness while others I was with got sick, but the rules were pretty burdensome (no fruit/veg unless there was a peel you could remove, no ice, etc.)
    I obviously don’t want to ruin my vacation with intestinal illness, but am also hoping there might be some leeway to be more relaxed in the high-end safari lodges?

    2. we did our honeymoon in south africa, botswana and zimbabwe – you’re going to have a great time! i would use a travel agent. we used karell travel and they can help talk you through different options, how to best split your time, etc. we could definitely eat fruits and vegetables there (we’ve also traveled to India, where we most certainly did not do that).

    3. I go to east africa regularly for work. In Cape Town, I would recommend drivers and guided tours, not exploring yourself. You want to have a nice time, don’t take unnecessary risks. Even for work people aren’t going to Cape Town right now.

      I think you can eat fruit/veg in high end lodges, but I would still be very careful about water.

    4. Fun fact: one of the side effects of the anti-malaria pills is gastrointestinal distress. So keep in mind that if you take the pills, you may think you have a foodborne illness when you don’t!

    5. I haven’t been to South Africa, but I have been on safari in Tanzania and I will say 4 days sounds about right. Maybe 5. We had I think 7? days on safari and honestly by the end I started to have animal fatigue (oh, another lion, whatever. And I say this as someone who loves taking wildlife photos). It’s a lot of time in a jeep.

      Also, check well in advance if South Africa requires a yellow fever vaccine if you don’t already have it–some African countries require it and it can be kinda hard to find in the US sometimes.

    6. I literally did this trip a month ago! First, let me say that it was spectacular. Second, here are my experiences and suggestions (YMMV, of course):

      1. 3-4 days in Capetown is sufficient. Hiking Lions’ Head and Table Mountain were wonderful (and you can take the funicular up, down, or both for Table Mountain if you prefer — get there early!) The Kirstenbosch botanical gardens are beautiful, and then if you can get to the Cape of Good Hope, that’s really interesting. But it’s not a big city and I think 5 days would feel long. We used a guide, so I can’t speak to safety precautions.

      2. We did the Tswalu game reserve in the Kalahari and it was incredible. I don’t know about the Madikwe reserve; sorry. We did safari for 4 1/2 days and another day or two would have been lovely.

      3. So the local travel clinic was really, really conservative with us when recommending food rules, and we found that we didn’t need to follow them. Like, at all. If you’re at a hotel in Capetown and in a high-end safari lodge, you’ll be perfectly fine.

      Enjoy!

      1. Thank you, this is very helpful! Do you have any suggestions for guides or hotels in Cape Town?

        1. I’ll find out the guides we used, who were really wonderful. In Capetown we stayed at the Winchester hotel, which is fairly central and very pretty. I didn’t use the spa (though it looked nice) & the pool is lovely but small. The courtyard is a really lovely place for a drink and it’s right across the street from a bike/walk path that follows the beach.

    7. Just an fyi re safaris. The one we booked did not allow kids under 12. Usually there are two drives a day – sunrise and sunset. Find a safari company with kid friendly activities during the day.

  18. Follow-up to the bikini question above:

    Has anybody had luck with at home IPL and natural blonde hairs?

    1. i don’t know but general wisdom is the greater the contrast between the hair and your skin the better (so fair people with dark hair are optimal candidates). i don’t know that someone with very light hair is a good candidate.

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