Thursday’s Workwear Report: Colorblock Column Skirt

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1. How do people find a house cleaner ? I was looking on thumbtack but none seem to be insured. The big companies have such mixed reviews. Do they need to be insured if I am going to be home ? I’m in the Boston area in case anyone happens to have a company or person they love !

   1. Following, particularly for recommendations for Boston Back Bay / South End.

      1. I left Boston 2 years ago, but had great experience with Flying Prince cleaners. Pretty sure they are insured. I appreciated he would come in with a team of 3-4 each time so the cleaning went super fast (2-3 hours for a 2 bedroom). They were also quite detailed in their cleaning. My only slight complaint is that occasionally I’d get last minute “Hey, is it okay if we change the time today” texts, but they didn’t bother me too much as I was never home when they came.

         1. Thank you – they look great! (And bonded and insured!)

   2. I found my old one on Facebook (recommended in a parents group). They weren’t insured — but I was initially at home and after a while, felt super comfortable w them to leave them home solo. Never had issues.

   3. Insurance is important. It’s not just about theft. What happens if they get injured in your home? If they don’t have their own insurance you definitely need to call your homeowners insurance and ask what if any insurance you need to buy to protect yourself if an employee (god forbid) dies or gets seriously injured while on the job at your house.

      In my experience services all have mixed reviews but some of them are ok. You may need to try several services before you find someone you like. Individuals are cheaper but to me employing an individual isn’t with the logistical headaches plus the fact that it may not be on the up and up.

   4. Everyone here does it via recommendations from local Facebook groups. I would ask for insurance, it covers things like accidental damage. Here even many of the small two people teams seem to have insurance.

      1. Yes, this. You don’t think it matters until it does. I like our cleaners overall, but one of them once accidentally scraped our dining room table when she moved a quickly moved a tchotchke across the surface to dust and polish. They covered the damage, no questions asked.

   5. I recently used care.com and found someone who seems good! (Caveat she has only come by twice). They have reviews for each person which was helpful.

      1. I found my amazing team in Care.com as well!

   6. neighborhoods listserv recommendations.

   7. I’m on the West Coast, but I’ve had good luck with a local cleaning co-op owned by the workers. They combine the good features of a company (they’re clearly the employer and handle worker’s comp, staffing, health insurance, liability insurance, etc), the profit goes to the workers, so comp is fair and they’re invested in keeping customers happy.

      Pricing is a bit above market, but well worth it if you can find one locally.

      1. Any chance you’re in Seattle and can share the name?

   8. Word of mouth. I’ve always used recommendations from friends, families, and neighbors. YMMV because I’m in Texas and you have two choices here: 1. Expensive nationwide companies with insurance, legal workers, high prices, and exploitative labor practices, or 2. Gals who work out of their cars who recently arrived to the US who deal exclusively in cash. No judgement on anyone for what they choose—there are no perfect choices or perfect people here—but I highly recommend interviewing or doing diligence on whoever you’re having in your house and making sure you’re both comfortable, safe, and feel like the exchange is fair.

   9. Word of mouth. When I was living in NY, I found our cleaner through our neighbor. When I moved to London, I asked a colleague who lived in the same neighborhood who she recommended.
      It never even occurred to me that they should be insured. I hold a substantial umbrella insurance policy in addition to renters insurance, in case someone is injured in my home or steals something. I don’t have a lot of valuable antiques that could break, so that’s not something I’m particularly worried about.

      1. +1

   10. Piggybacking off this, does anyone have recommendations for one in Raleigh/Triangle area? I have not had much luck finding one.

2. Not sure if I’m looking for validation or venting or what, honestly? My IUD expired and I got it taken out on Monday. We’re planning to start TTC within the next year-ish, so I got a prescription for the pill instead of going on another long term BC option. Due to $life, I only picked up my pill pack last night. When I was reading over the instructions for the catch-up schedule, I saw all the side affects, and I realized that I just…didn’t want to take the pills. Not because I want to start TTC now. Maybe because I’m 33 and I’ve been on hormonal BC since I was 18 and I have no idea what my body does naturally? Maybe because I’ve been dealing with increasing medical anxiety after having weird reactions to a couple of things within the last year?

   DH is fine with going back to condoms, and it wouldn’t be a crisis if I accidentally got pregnant at the moment. I don’t know why I’m feeling so weird about this.

   1. anecdata, but if you’re like me and my friends, you’ll have a mild increase in s3x drive but monstrously worse periods.

      1. Exact opposite here. The point of the pill is to lighten periods.

         1. I think Cat was meaning that is what to expect if OP goes off the pill / hormonal BC.

            1. Correct – was speaking to the question of “what my body does naturally.” It’s a messy PITA is what it does naturally, lol

            2. Ahhh, that makes much more sense!

   2. I got off hormonal BC pills 12 years ago and I will never ever go back. I don’t think it’s weird at all to not want to take them!

      1. +1

   3. This is valid. I have always had a terrible time with BC pills. The side effects, to me, were not worth it. At some point, I just told DH that I wasn’t doing this anymore. He was fine with condoms until we were ready to TTC. No pregnancy mishaps. After we were done having kids, he got a vasectomy and I am forever grateful.

      1. This. I had terrible reactions to hormonal birth control. I too tried it for a few months after we got married, then told DH I was going off of it and we went back to barrier methods until we started trying for real. On the plus side – it let me track my natural cycles and I figured out my ovulation times were very regular, but a few days later as my cycle is longer than the usual 28 days. That made it easier for us to conceive (2 months) as I started charting/tracking before we started trying just to know my baseline.
         After our son I also had DH get snipped. I did enough of the BC/childbearing, it was his turn.

      2. I didn’t want to be on the pill either after the birth of our first child. We knew we wanted another baby in a couple of years so we did a mix of charting, pull-out method (I know, not the most reliable!), and condoms. After the birth of our second child, I had an IUD and before it expired my husband got a vasectomy.

   4. Condoms are fine. DH and I used them for a decade and then conceived the very first time we didn’t use one so clearly they did their job many times. They never broke or fell off but if they do, you can get Plan B. Especially if an accidental pregnancy wouldn’t be a disaster, I think condoms is what makes the most sense. I had a bad experience with hormonal BC in college and I like not being on it and knowing what my body does naturally. My periods were terrible before I had a baby (they’re amazing now) but no different on hormonal BC vs. nothing.

   5. Not weird. Many people cannot tolerate the pill. And it’s really only regarded as safe as compared to pregnancy (which is fair enough, but often it’s not how we’re thinking about the risk/reward calculus). I wouldn’t bother with it or risk the less pleasant side effects if planning to TTC w/in a year either.

   6. If you want to be extra careful, you can start tracking temperature, or at the very least blocking out days around assumed ovulation. There are some good apps, and it may help you when you actually want to TTC.

      BC pills are awful, I totally get it. If you want something short-term, you could also get a nuvaring. Lower doses, so side effects are more like the IUD than pills.

   7. I know the pharma companies claim that the pill doesn’t cause weight gain (and of course they have a vested interest to maintain this line), but I swear this last time I went off the pill my appetite plummeted for a few weeks before evening out. I really don’t think it was solely psychological. And I know preventing unexpected pregnancy is important, but there have to be some sort of long-term effects in ingesting different hormones for years or decades. Hormones are key in regulating how our biological system operates.

      1. Yes, the long term effects of the pill include significant decrease in ovarian and endometrial cancer. Take them or don’t, but it’s not intellectually honest to be all “hormones bad.”

         1. I didn’t say all hormones are bad. Eyeroll.

         2. She didn’t say that. She said (rightly) that hormones play key and critical biological functions and that she suspects that the changes in appetite she felt were related to that. Your comments in this thread make it seem like you feel like any woman raising concerns about her own experience with hormonal BC is somehow an attack on your personal choice to use it.

      2. Yeah, it’s been known for decades that the pill increases insulin resistance so of course that can contribute to weight gain. For me the morning sickness I get on the pill also makes it hard to eat the things I normally would, so it’s just really hard not to gain weight.

   8. It’s totally reasonable not to want to take hormone pills. No need to minimize this by labeling it as anxiety. You have a simple, cheap alternative and your partner is on board!

   9. Perfectly normal not to want to be on the pill! I hate condoms too, so it was IUD before kids and vasectomy after kids over here.

      Also, IUDs last for years but that doesn’t mean you can’t use them short term. I had an IUD for less than a year after breastfeeding #1 before trying for #2. No side effects, got knocked up immediately after removing.

      1. Glad someone said this. My best friend had a Mirena IUD, took it out to conceive her first, put a Mirena back in for two years until they were ready to conceive her second. Just because it’s good for five years (although the gynecologist that did my replacement this summer told me they’re actually good for seven) doesn’t mean someone has to leave it in for five years.

         1. I thought about it, but I had an absolutely horrible time when it was inserted and I just am not willing to go through that again for a shorter timeline.

            1. Totally understandable. My friend had no issues with insertion or removal, and I’m sure that was a big part of her deciding to get a new one in between kids.

   10. It’s been almost 20 years since I got off the Pill – I stopped when we started trying to conceive – but I have never had a desire to get back on them, because finding one that didn’t have some kind of unexpected side effect was such a process. I was on the Pill from age 15 to age 27 and in that time I probably tried eight different brands of Pill. Either they made my periods worse instead of better, or they killed my sex drive, or they made my already-not-good (at that time) migraines worse, or they made me gain weight. Mirena IUDs have been a godsend for me. Most of the time I don’t even remember it’s in there, and I haven’t had a real period in years.

       If you don’t want to take the pills, don’t, especially if an unexpected pregnancy isn’t the end of the world right now. The thing about going off of BC is you can always go back on. If you and your husband are fine with condoms or another barrier method, use those.

   11. I came off the pill last autumn and have really enjoyed getting to know my body without it. And yes, noticeably higher libido.
       Because I weigh too much for Plan B to be reliable (and don’t want kids at all ever) I’m not comfortable relying on condoms as my only form of BC so now I’m in a new relationship I’ve made an appointment to get an IUD.

   12. You’ve spent your entire adult life bearing the burden of birth control by putting hormones into your body (not judging), so it probably feels like you’re being “unfair” to your husband by having him wear condoms. Let go of the guilt.

   13. I just had my second IUD removed after having it for about a year because I was having side effects, and I am feeling the same way. I’ll definitely try something else if my periods/PMS are insane, but I want to see what my body does naturally. I’ve noticed that my appetite has plummeted in the last week, and I don’t feel as tired. Those things are not necessarily tied to the IUD being removed, but I am definitely feeling better after getting off of hormonal BC

   14. I hated BC by the time I met my husband. Have used condoms for our BC with two short stints of the pill and going off of them each time. The trick for us was just using condoms every time we gardened. Didn’t have to think about what day it was and it was an easy signal to both of us when we were and were not ready to have kids. Now pregnant with our second and last child, planning a c section and getting my tubes tied at the same time. He was willing to get a vasectomy but I need a c section and want to be done thinking about family planning.

   15. The reason you are feeling weird about it is that society has conditioned women to believe that they are solely responsible for preventing unwanted pregnancies by flooding their bodies with artificial hormones, and that all of the horrible side effects are just hysterical imaginings.

       1. Well, actually, being on the pill long term mimics more of the “pregnant almost every year for 20 years” that our ancestors had. It’s not “natural” to have 1 or 2 pregnancies and multiple periods. Not natural is fine w me.

          1. I don’t personally care about it being “not natural” but I do have some complicated feelings about the fact that because the pill is (for most women) well-tolerated and safe, it feels like there is a strong societal assumption that it’s the best choice for everyone. I grew up in and still live in a conservative area where people freely spread outright lies about the pill, which is terrible, but I sometimes feel like there’s been an over-correction and women who share that they’ve had bad experiences with the pill are treated as if they’re either wrong or are enemies of feminism.

             Also, when I was in high school and college, there was strong, STRONG pressure from guys to get on the pill so they didn’t have to wear condoms. Like, in my high school it was very much assumed that once you were old enough to go to Planned Parenthood on your own and get on the pill, you would – and your boyfriend was some kind of victim if you didn’t because he had to use condoms. And because our progressive private school’s s*x ed curriculum was working overtime to compensate for the very conservative state we lived in, they had basically told us that the pill was no different than taking ibuprofen, so having concerns or side effects or just not wanting to do it was very much treated as making excuses (and again, your poor boyfriend was then the victim of your unwillingness to take it).

       2. Agreed. Haven’t we heard about a male pill for decades? Oh wait, the men couldn’t handle the side effects. Funny how that works.

   16. Based on (only) my personal experience…
       When I went off hormonal BC with the goal of TTC it took MONTHS to get my body in order (having taken it for the better part of 15 years at the time). In fact I actually didn’t have a period before I did conceive (the week I had my first appointment with endocrinologist after 7 months no period / no BC). I vote for condoms until you are ready to TTC. They have been effective for us since having LO, and we will likely stick with that until we go the permanent (e.g. on hubby’s part) solution.

   17. I went off birth control pills about two years before I conceived, after having been on them from age 18-31. It was good to see if I was regular before TTC. Periods didn’t get heavier or wonky and it was a good trial. Good luck.

   18. I went off the pill a few years ago. I didn’t have bad side effects with it, but I was just taking it to avoid having periods for convenience, and so when my prescription expired, I didn’t refill it. Personally I’ve found that I have increased s*x drive, and I also really like feeling the natural changes in my body over the course of my cycle. Like, now that I’m looking for them I can see the signs of fertile vs. non-fertile times, and I think that’s cool.

       I’m glad the pill is an option – so glad. But I do feel like my childhood s*x ed treated female fertility as a problem to be solved. The idea of paying attention to your cycles and avoiding fertile times was dismissed (with scorn) as “the rhythm method” and we were told it absolutely didn’t work. Now, I don’t think teens should be using charting as BC, because it does require that your cycles be regular and that you have really good and comfortable communication with your partner, and it doesn’t prevent STIs. But honestly, there was no encouragement at all to learn about our natural cycles – and I think that’s helpful for all women, even if they’re not active or not active with men. Knowing about my cycle has inherent value to me, regardless of whether I’m avoiding pregnancy or TTC, and my s*x ed experiences definitely did not treat it that way.

       1. +1. All women should learn about this as part of sex ed. So empowering.

   19. I went off BC after having a mini stroke (not caused by BC). I also think people forget that hormonal BC is straight up dangerous for women. My neurologist told me I would never be on it again and he’d advise against letting my daughters be on it. That may be specific to my risk factors but why add the extra risk when condoms exist?

       After my last section I got a bilateral tubal ligation as part of the same procedure so now I don’t have to worry about it! May have DH get a vasectomy for double coverage too – haven’t decided yet!

   20. Are you me? We are the exact same age and at the same life stage- looking to start a family in the next year. I also had an IUD and then went back on the pill, mine came out 5 years ago. I like the mental and physical stability that the pill gives me, but your concerns are totally valid and it sounds like you’re ready to be off the pill. Maybe you can use this time to learn your personal rhythms and rediscover yourself a bit. Condoms work, and if your SO is supportive and responsible, I wouldn’t worry. Follow your intuition about what’s right for your body.

   21. All I can tell you is that when I finally got off hormonal BC I never wanted to go back on. I felt so much more awake and alive off of it.

       I will also tell you that I now have two children, one of whom was planned, so do with that what you will. ;)

   22. I went off birth control in a similar situation, used protection, and now have an adorable seven month old. ;) So definitely good that it wouldn’t be a crisis if you accidentally got pregnant!

   23. After being on BC for about 5 years, it took my body six months before I had a period and almost a full year to return to regular cycles. If you want to TTC in the next year, highly recommend just sticking with condoms. May add in some cycle tracking to be extra careful around suspected ovulation.

   24. Why not get another IUD and make it Paragard which is hormone-free? Just because it’s rated for a gazillion years doesn’t mean you can’t take it out after a year. I was in the same boat (took out IUD, was planning to TTC in about year, can’t stand hormones, used condoms) and ended up with an unplanned pregnancy due to a condom slippage ONE time and an abortion. (I even took plan B the next day and still). I don’t regret the abortion one bit but had I just gotten another IUD I would have saved myself a lot of physical pain and logistical headaches that went with scheduling the abortion. And then I got another IUD until we were ready to TTC in six months and it was an excellent solution. We now have a very much wanted six year old.

   25. Okay, so you’ve had fifteen years of excellent birth control and now you’re whining because you can’t have full control over conception. Think about it. The best preparation for pregnancy, childbirth and parenting is to give back some control to nature and stop demanding your body obey your desires. This is bigger than you think and you are not entirely in charge (although you will have to do all the work).

3. Is anyone else jumping on the shacket bandwagon? Trying to decide whether this will be a cute fall thing, or whether I’ll look like I’ve misplaced my axe.

   1. I looked terrible in one in 2000 and I’ll look terrible in one again this year, so that’s a no for me, but I wasn’t even aware there was a bandwagon off of which to fall…!

   2. What is a shacket?

      1. A cross between a flannel shirt and a jacket.

      2. It’s a sweater jacket.

   3. nope. Regular coats are more flattering on me and fit my personal style, so I’m not feeling obliged to participate in this trend. I’m leaving them to the #influencers who are busy invading New England to take photos with leaves.

   4. Nope. I already lived through the 90s trend of long (flannel/denim) shirts over your outfit, I’m good. I have actual coats that I can wear, I’ll leave this one to the teens/influencers.

      1. Same.

   5. Yep, got one last year and love it. It’s perfect for transitional weather and feels fresh even though I had them in the 90s too. Got a Buffalo plaid one by bb Dakota at Anthropologie.

      1. Why is this in mod? Regular poster and same email.

         1. Figured it out. Trying again
            Yep, got one last year and love it. It’s perfect for in between fall weather and feels fresh even though I had them in the 90s too. Got a Buffalo plaid one by bb Dakota at Anthropologie.

   6. I have one I wear to work in the yard…

   7. Those things look frumpy and costumey on my petite frame, so I will be sitting out this trend.

   8. I’m anti shacket on account of how horrible the name is. Shacket. Shacket. Oh no. I just can’t.

4. Omg I have been reading reviews on tiktok of Kylie swim and it is not good. 1.5” front coverage on bottoms — yikes!

   1. And no coverage on the back! Must be for pictures only, because I’m not wearing any of it to a public beach.

5. Husband and I have been slowly “doing the Thing” and planning our estate, getting life insurance, guardian appointed to kid in case we both die, etc. We are down to wills and in preparation for that, trying to make an inventory of our assets and debts, bank accounts, etc.

   How/where do you keep something like this? Isn’t it a risk in case you get burgled and someone finds it?

   Even more so, how/where do you securely keep a list of electronic assets/accounts and passwords? I want my spouse and one day my daughter to have those but such a list would be invaluable to thiefs… If you use a password service, which one and how confident are you in its security?

   1. Keep it electronically and password protect the file. Use a password that someone isn’t going to guess but is easy enough for your spouse and child to remember, i.e., the name of a food you cook vs. your pet’s name.

      If you have to keep a hard copy, use a fire-proof safe, or in a pinch have a secret hiding spot that a thief isn’t going to find (bottom of a random shoebox in your closet, taped inside the cover of a book on your bookshelf, that sort of thing).

   2. Congrats on getting all that done! We keep that sort of paper documents in a fire safe. We’ve had it for years and it sits in my closet. It’s a little less than 2 feet square and we use it for SS cards, birth certificates, and a variety of sensitive documents. I think you can even bolt it to the floor, but we’ve never bothered to do that – it’s incredibly heavy and not a size that someone could easily remove from the house.

      For electronic passwords, we use Dashlane. We’re very comfortable with the security and it has helped us to put truly secure passwords in place and to stop using the same handful of passwords over and over. It’s great to be able to only remember one master password, fill in passwords on sites and apps directly from the app, and both have access to all of them easily regardless of who set up the account. Our oldest daughter now has access as well so we know someone can get to everything if necessary.

      1. It is not unusual for bolted safes to be ripped out and tobagganed out the door in my area, FWIW.

         1. That just happened in my neighborhood.

         2. Hmm, maybe I should reconsider bolting it down!

   3. My mom gave me an electronic document with all of her account info and passwords (she does the money management for both my parents) so I know how to access everything when they die.

      I do the money management for me and DH and I’m not really sure what would happen to him if I died suddenly. I’ve tried to talk to him about it a few times but he’s brushed it off. I think he knows my computer password and I have a password manager (LastPass) so assuming my laptop isn’t destroyed I think he’d be ok. Also our stuff is pretty simple – we have no debt, savings and checking accounts at one bank and employer-sponsored retirement accounts at a different bank. He knows the names of our bank and our retirement plan company so he could figure it out eventually. My mom is a joint owner on our bank accounts (long story) so she knows how to access that. I should probably give her the retirement plan info in case DH and I both die at the same time. My parents are guardians of our kid.

   4. I just don’t get that worried about stuff like that. I keep mine in gmail w two factor authentication. There’s only so much you can do.

   5. I don’t have specific advice on this issue but…don’t let it put you off preparing your wills. You can always do your lists and leave them for the executor afterwards and just incorporate the list by reference in your wills. Dying without a list is one thing. Dying without a will is quite another, potentially huge, problem for your family.

      Source: Just signed my new will, have life’s worth of assets/passwords, still working on our lists, but already feeling a huge sense of relief.

   6. Our will is at our lawyer’s office. We don’t have a physical copy in our house.

      1. The lawyer’s office is a good place to keep the original, as it will be needed for estate administration. You can keep a copy at your house, accessible by your family, with a note that the original is at the attorney’s office. IMHO, the fewer copies, the better: it’s one less thing to destroy each time you update your wills.

   7. Bank safe deposit box.

      1. No, don’t do this – your heirs won’t be able to access a safe deposit box, or at least not for a good while.

   8. There are services for this – I use ReadyWhen – it’s essentially an electronic safety box but it means I can keep the POA, wills, account info, etc online and it’s accessible to DH if needed.

   9. I’ve been dealing with a parent’s estate recently; the parent had no will and did no planning etc. If you call the bank or financial institution and provide the decedent’s SSN and supporting docs (death certificate, etc), they can just pull up the account for you. You do not need the account number or login information. I have a list of institutions where I have accounts that I’ve emailed the person who is my executor. I am also careful to make sure the beneficiaries on your accounts are correctly identified.

6. Does anyone have the Vuori rip stop pants? They have great reviews online but love first-hand reviews from the Hive too.

   I have a pair of Athleta Trekkie pants which I LOVE but which are too big for me currently. I am looking to have a smaller pair of pants like the Trekkie pants and the rip stops are a touch cheaper (and the Trekkies are currently not available in my size anywhere). The Rip Stops seem similar so am thinking of going with those to fill the gap.

   1. I have the shorts version of the ripstop. I bought them fairly recently, but so far they seem good and are holding up well.

      1. Thanks!!

   2. I bought a pair and returned them. I loved the fit but I did not like the material. I was looking for more of a knit and this was more of nylon feeling material.

   3. I have them. I wear them a lot, but I don’t love them. I think because they’re just a smidge too small for me. I’m a pretty solid size 4 / 26, so I was a little torn between the small and medium but I went with the small because I wanted them to not look too lounge-y. Anyway, they’re weirdly flattering to my flat behind, and stretchy. The fabric is pretty substantial, though … it’s a little bit scratchy and not super breathable … they definitely made me a little sweaty this summer. Same with the shorts, honestly. But, they look good and as Gail says, are holding up well.

   4. Thanks everyone!

7. Any gamers out there? I want to get my husband a game for his birthday and have no idea what to pick. He plays on XBox and spends most of his gaming time on Need for speed and FIFA (soccer game) or puzzle/platform games. I think he would enjoy a good strategy game too, if those still exist. He plays alone not in a group.

   1. My husband has been enjoying F1 2021, if yours likes driving games.

   2. You can buy Xbox gift cards and let him pick the game he wants to buy from the Xbox online store. That’s what I do, because I don’t understand enough about games to know what I’m looking at.

8. Random question that I just can’t seem to find the answer to. If I subscribe to a podcast on apple podcasts, can I listen to it in another player or do I have to listen to it in the apple podcast app?

   1. You need to subscribe on the other players to keep your place.

9. How do you know if you need to see an opthamologist or just an optomitrist? I had a weird situation for two nights in a row last weekend where I just could not focus my eyes no matter how hard I tried (on close things–no issues with distance). It was really freaky because it was so sudden, and my family are concerned and encouraged me to see someone to just check nothing major is going on. Just not sure who to go see! Any advice? Anyone have the same thing happen to them and then it went away (hasnt happened since Sunday)?

   1. For anything that seems medical (like this!) rather than strictly vision changes, I would definitely see an opthamologist.

   2. If it happened at the end of the day after spending the whole day doing something that would have stressed them, it’s almost certainly eye strain. But if you weren’t doing anything or if keeps happening, then see a doctor. Ophthalmologists are best for medical things, but optometrists for vision, so if it’s really eye strain, they might be better.

      1. I mean, or it could be ocular myasthenia, which can also appear after spending the whole day doing something that strains the eyes!

         I would really not assume anything; there are a lot of benign and serious conditions that can have this as a first symptom; I would want to see a good ophthalmologist/neuro-ophthalmologist if it happened again.

   3. I would go to urgent care if this happens again, while it’s happening. I would be inclined to go see my general practitioner to talk to him about it if it recurs but I wasn’t able to get to urgent care during the next recurrence. My guess is he’d either send me for a head CT or MRI or refer me to a neurologist. This may or may not be an eye problem, similar to how ringing in someone’s ears or temporary one-side deafness is not necessarily an ear problem.

      1. Yes, I’m the person who posted above about eye strain, but context matters a lot here and so does your age, as the likelihood of a neurological event is much higher as you get older. That said, I have had similar issues and some other chronic neurological problems, and my neurologist and other doctors are always asking me to see an optometrist to make sure my vision is fine before considering other things (and I actually do have a binocular vision disorder that causes these exact symptoms when my eyes are tired). I would be a lot more concerned if you’d had a very relaxing day and then suddenly couldn’t focus than if you’d been working on a computer all day or out squinting into bright sun with sunscreen dripping in your eyes or driving or something else visually taxing.

   4. Sounds like a migraine but go to an Opthamologist if you can get it. An optometrist is for giving you glasses for everyday vision problems.

   5. I had something similar happen once – came on suddenly, couldn’t focus my eyes. It was like a migraine aura but I wasn’t having (nor have I ever had) a migraine. It’s only happened one time and I chalked it up to stress.

      1. For years, I’d get that sort of migraine aura – couldn’t quite focus my eyes and things looked kind of sparkly. Never got the actual migraine headache, though, for many years. Just in the past 3-4 years do I actually get a headache after the aura.

   6. I had some weird vision problems 6 months ago or so and people suggested “ocular migraine” — maybe look into that one? But yes see a doc.

   7. Personally I’d just start with my optometrist, but I have an established relationship there.

      Not quite related to your question: I injured my eye over the summer late on a Thursday night (a chemical burn). I called the on-call doctor. She advised that visiting the ER would have been pointless because they wouldn’t have the specialized equipment necessary to assess and treat the injury. I thought that was fascinating! (And I live in a major city with excellent healthcare…it’s not like my ER is lacking.)

   8. Your optometrist can refer you to the correct specialty. A general ophthalmologist can also help you find the right specialist (these folks will have only residency training and no specialty fellowship on their education history).

      If you are near a teaching hospital with an ophtho dept they may have a resident clinic that accepts walk ins. I’d go that route over the ER or urgent care next time it happens (they will call the resident anyways).

10. i am thinking about getting a king size duvet + insert for a queen size bed. For the extra blankets but also I might buy a king at some point in the next few years and don’t want to have to buy a new duvet. Will this work or look really sloppy?

    1. It will be pretty oversized and probably quite uncomfortable, I’d get a duvet for the bed you have now. In a few years you’ll want fresh bedding anyway.

    2. Did this for years as husband is a blanket thief making himself a cocoon with the comforter. It will look fine, and lots of times when you see the big comfy blanket on a bed in a magazine this is exactly what is going on.

       1. +1 except I’m the thief.

    3. King duvet, queen sheets and blanket. You will love it!

    4. I would do this. When I was a student I had a double duvet on single beds for extra warmth and it looked fine, I just had much more overhang on both sides (which I actually liked because I use under bed storage extensively and this hid it a bit). I’m slightly tempted to do the same, actually, again for extra warmth.

    5. I only buy king comforters or duvets/duvet covers for my queen bed. I will never go back!

       1. Ditto. I also buy king-sized top sheets, because I usually use just a topsheet and nothing else (I sleep hot).

    6. That is what I do but I am a firm conspiracy theorist that “Queen/Full” is an outright lie and your only real choice is King / too big vs Full / too small. Real Queen sized things do not exist outside of sheet sets.

    7. I find that if the blanket or duvet is too large for the bed, the excess hanging down creates weight that stresses my joints. I thought it was a brilliant idea before I tried it.

       1. Same here, exactly – too big covers get really heavy. I’m partial to the German method of having 2 twin duvets for sleeping – one for each person.

          1. How does that look in a made-up bed. Do they overlap in the middle?

             1. I keep them in a basket and pull them out at night, I have seen beds with them in little piles at the end (pinterest has examples)

          2. Check out ervet . They have duvets that magnet together in the middle. I got one because my fiance sleeps warmer than me, so I have a thicker insert than he does.

             I bought one very early on as they came off a kickstarter campaign and have been happy. I’m starting to get some wear on my magnets, but that may be an early adapter issue.

          3. I do this too and it’s game changing. I’ve never slept so well. I have an oversized king coverlet that I pull up to hide the whole thing during the day, so it looks clean and tidy.

       2. On the other hand, I really like having a heavier blanket, so love the feeling of the extra weight!

    8. I have a queen duvet & cover on a double bed. The duvet is great, love having one that’s big enough we aren’t pulling it off the bed / each other. I deeply regret buying the double bed though!

    9. I do this and it looks OK but only because I have a really tall bed (the bedskirt drop is 21+ inches). With a regular height bed it will likely look odd – more like a bedspread.

       1. This is me also (conspiracy theorist).

    10. It will totally work. Standard king size comforters are only 14-15″ wider than queen size, which translates to about 7″ on each side of the bed. Especially if you have a tall mattress, this isn’t a big deal, but will pay dividends if you sleep with a cover thief.

    11. It will be awesome. I bought a queen size duvet when all I had was a full, and I have no regrets. A real duvet is going to fluff up into whatever shape you need it to be, and it’s up to you whether it hangs off the edge or not while you’re using it. Honestly my English grandma thought feather duvets were unhygienic as well as sloppy looking, so the question of how to work them into a pristinely tucked bed never came up. Obviously I side with the mostly German side of my family that loves big fluffy feather duvets!

    12. I have this king duvet on a queen bed (with queen sheets). The extra blankets looks nice IMO, I find regular duvets to not hang down far enough, sort of like flood pants for furniture. The extra blankets is awesome for 2 adults who like to cocoon.

11. Are skinny jeans truly “out”? All of my jeans are from 2+ years ago, aka high-waisted and skinny leg. I’m relatively thin but have pretty wide hips, so I don’t think the mom Jean trend is a good fit for my body type (finding something that’s relaxed enough in the legs is going to be way too loose in the waist)…but I also don’t want to look totally out of it. Any suggestions?

    1. 1) Wear whatever you want, and all brands are still making skinny jeans.

       2) Try curvy cut mom jeans if the look appeals to you. You can absolutely wear it.

    2. I’m still wearing skinny jeans and jeggings. No ragrets

       1. +1 No regerts.

       2. LOL

       3. Haha no rgrts here, either.

    3. I’ve stopped wearing skinny jeans in warmer weather, but I am planning to wear my skinny jeans under cowboy boots and other midcalf boots this winter.

    4. Mine are all still in rotation! To stay a bit more modern, I would skip booties or ballet flats as those look dated to my eyes, and go with street sneakers or smoking flats or Rothy’s.

    5. I still wear skinny jeans, I’m fairly slender (4) and all the new cuts of jeans look awful on me and add bulk where I don’t need or want it. I can’t imagine who the new denim trends work for.

    6. I’m still wearing mine but I cut the longer ones into ankle pants with raw hems and I think they look better this way. They’re not skin right all the way to my ankle so it works.

    7. I’ve tried to make the straight leg thing work for me, but it’s just … weird. However, I recently bought a pair of Levi’s 724 (high rise straight crop) in black and they are my new favorite jeans. They’re just different enough that it feels refreshed … I’m looking forward to wearing them with boots as soon as things cool off. As an extra bonus, they’re pretty inexpensive! The denim is really comfortable with great stretch, but it is on the thin side so if you need warmth in the winter, maybe not idea.

    8. Yes, skinny jeans are well and truly out of style. Mom jeans are where it’s at now (9 inch zipper, big saggy hips, and deep pockets are what the kids are wearing now). But who cares? If you loved the look of 2015 you wear those skinny jeans with pride until they come back in 2038, presumably after flares and corduroy come in and out of fashion again.

12. WWYD in this situation?

    Our family is extremely close with a group of four other families — they are our main social group and we love hanging out with these people, individually or in small/large groups. Kids and adults all get along famously, and it’s been a really good development in our lives over the past two years.

    We are neighbors with one of the families, and I’ve recently realized that our relationship is pretty one-way in that they borrow things from us, lean on us to host, and make offhand comments (especially from the wife) to the effect that they’ll just piggyback on whatever we’re doing. For example, our neighbors hosted an outdoor gathering on Saturday and remarked that she was going to have her husband pick up firewood, but decided against it — figuring they could just have my husband run home and get some from our (large) woodpile. Or when my son asked their son this summer if they were going to join the local community pool, he said, “No, we’ll just mooch off you guys.” My husband cuts their son’s hair for free, we’ve hosted countless patio hangs, and they’re about to borrow our outdoor projector and screen for their daughter’s birthday for the second year in a row…all with little to no reciprocation. The kicker was that the mom announced to our friends this week that they’re considering the purchase of a home that costs 2.5x what they paid for their current home (!). For me, it was the straw the broke the proverbial camel’s back and I finally realized how upset this is making me.

    It’s not an issue of means — I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have the funds to host us for a happy hour or to purchase firewood. Also, I grew up poor myself (like, we were on food stamps) and believe in generosity of spirit; if you can’t afford to reciprocate in kind, offering to watch our kids or bring over a pan of brownies feels just as thoughtful.

    I am super hurt, so much so that (I realized) I’ve been avoiding our neighbor for quite some time now. Other friends in our group have noticed how they/she act/s, but it’s only towards us — our neighbors don’t do this to anyone else.

    Help. I know I should address it with her but I almost want to just cut them off completely because I’m so upset — except that we see them in a large group, and I deeply value this group dynamic and friendship. It’s also consuming too much of my energy.

    I know that if I confront her (nicely) about it, she will begin to “measure” our relationship, feeling like they have to respond exactly/in kind — and that feels icky/not like a real friendship to me. Until this started to become more of an issue, I often said that these neighbors were the best part of where we live! We used to be close. How would you address this? Would you address this?

    1. Just stop loaning them things and don’t let them mooch off you anymore. No need to have a big conversation about it IMO. Start saying no! You’re the only one who can set and enforce your own boundaries.

       1. I mean, yes, I will do that…but it’s the public comments that really bug me. Just let it roll?

          1. What’s the goal here? Their behavior isn’t going to change no matter what you do. If you want to remain acquaintances with them, yes, just ignore the comments and let your Nos speak for themselves. I don’t know why you would want to stay friends with them. I think the kids can stay friends (if that’s what they want) and you can start to fade re the parents. If you want to stay legitimate “friends” with them, you have to also let it go, although I don’t know why you would want to stay friends with them. They aren’t your friends, they are using you.

             1. Oops lots of repeated thoughts there!

          2. Oof, I hear you on the “public comments” thing. It really gets under my skin, especially because people who do it are often quite good at making you look like you are “punching down” if you do anything but awkwardly smile and capitulate.

             1. My first thought is to be prepared with a retort. “We will just mooch off you guys!” “Ouch, did I misunderstand the friendship terms and conditions?” “I figured that your husband can just bring firewood.” Big smile “We know you have a choice when getting firewood, thank you for mooching with the Smith family!” YMMV.

          3. What do you mean the public comments? You can say no in public. None of your business how much they spend on a house and it will bug you less if you start living your boundaries

             1. Yes – could you explain more about this? Are the comments about mooching and firewood made in front of others so you would feel awkward saying no in front of an audience?

             2. Good points. Agree their house purchase isn’t my business except she texted me the listing (with price) and how excited she was and that exchange was part of what prompted me to examine my feelings on this.

                Public comments: the mom will often remark, in public settings within our friend group, that “If we want to go to the pool we can just with with A and her family!” or when they were hosting this weekend and people were asking about a bonfire and it was obvious there was no wood, my husband offered to go get some — and then she made the remark in front of everyone that they considered getting firewood themselves, but that they knew they could just get it from us. It’s the whole “smile and capitulate” thing that Anon at 10:53 identified. I feel better prepared to address this in a 1:1 conversation rather than in public.

             3. I’m the Anon at 10:53. I think retorts often make you look like the bad guy here, so perhaps come prepared with a few stock responses that are neutral enough but push back.

                Things like firewood (anything consumable): “When you next go to the store, pick up a replacement for us. [pause] You ARE planning on replacing this for us, aren’t you?”

                Pool and other issues: smile big and say, “But what if I forget to call you and tell you we’re going?” Or “You did that last summer. This summer, it’s your turn to buy and our turn to mooch.”

                Borrowing things that are returnable: “Oh, that date doesn’t work for us. Sounds like you need another plan.” Do NOT elaborate on “that date doesn’t work for us.” Just.. repeat it, then repeat it, then repeat it.

             4. I mean just say no in a polite way in front of everyone. They are not being shy of taking advantage of your graciousness so don’t be shy about saying no.

                I lean to snarky responses in these situations where people so YMMV. Someone else has already provided some good responses to these comments.

             5. Agree with Anon at 11:34. Just push back (reasonably) gently.

    2. I have a relative who is like this. She is about a decade younger than we are and seems to think that this entitles her to unlimited help from my husband, me, and our teenager. She borrows our stuff and then never returns it or returns it in terrible condition–for example, she borrowed my tub of painting supplies, kept it for months after she was done with her project, and when she finally gave it back after repeated requests because we needed it, the tub was full of trash and all of the rollers, brushes, trays, etc. were missing. She demands that we babysit and pet-sit for her with no notice. This summer my daughter spent two or three hours a day for an entire week taking care of her pets while she was on vacation, and she never even thanked her. What irks me most is that when we were that age and at that stage of life we were completely on our own with zero help. If she were just a friend or neighbor we could cut her off, but she’s family so it’s difficult to set and enforce boundaries, especially since my husband is willing to put up with more than I am.

       1. It’s really not that hard to say “hey you need to pay teenager for pet sitting” or “no you can’t borrow that because the last time we lent you supplies you took forever to return them and when you did it was a mess.”

    3. If they are buying a new home that is 2.5 times what they paid for the one they have, they are moving away, right? So let the friendship fade; it’ll be harder for them to mooch.

       1. Right – this was my immediate thought. Let things naturally cool – if they’re moving away they won’t be popping over to avail themselves of your time & stuff.

          (Or did they buy a vacation home?)

       2. Yes — more distance is good, bu it’s about a 1/2 mile from us and very walkable.

          1. You’d be surprised how much that extra bit of distance gives you some space. You can ‘forget’ to text when you are going to the pool etc.

             1. +1

          2. If the house is more expensive, their immediate neighbors will be richer and belong to a better swim club.

    4. I would address this internally. You feel like you are giving too much. Explore why your reaction is to cut them off or confront them instead of simply saying no when they ask for things. “Oh your husband can just go get firewood.” “Actually he can’t!”

    5. Based on what you’ve said here, I think it would be best to first do a more intermediate action(s) before a confrontation. Start practicing setting the boundaries you’d like to see from them when things come up. I realize I’m making an assumption, but I’m getting a sense that saying no is difficult for you and your husband. I myself have family members that are wonderfully generous, but very, very nonconfrontational to a fault, and certain types of people end up taking advantage of that, weather consciously or not.
       When things like you’ve mentioned come up (haircut, borrowing/using your stuff, coming over unannounced), you can decline their request kindly and politely. Repeat as needed. They might start to realize that they can’t just assume you’ll be game for whatever they need or want. examples:
       “Sorry, don’t really have the time to do a haircut.”
       “Planning on needing (item) so would rather not lend it out.”
       “Love sharing our pool, but would really appreciate a call before to see if we’re up for company.” Then, “Sorry, friend’s name, not up for company today.”
       After this tactic for a while – if it doesn’t work – then a conversation may be warranted.
       The resentment you feel is only hurting yourself, and not helping them understand your feelings. (I know – been there, done that.) Some folks just don’t share your feelings on best practices when it comes to being neighbors/friends/family, which is something I’ve had to learn myself. Best of luck!

    6. Just to play devil’s advocate – do you ever ask them for stuff? Maybe they are just thoughtless? (as in literally don’t think). The not hosting thing is annoying, but what if you actually said… ugh in the middle of a project at home / our patio is a mess – I will bring some veggies and dip but let’s meet at your house. Or…. hey could we borrow your XYZ…. you may find that when prompted they step up?

       1. This part. This reads a little more thoughtless to me than calculating. It also sounds like they are simply too comfortable. Like a sibling that borrows your clothes without asking or something. I don’t think it’s right but I would be surprised if their behavior is intentional.

          I’d work on setting your boundaries per the above and holding to them.

          1. Yeah, I read it this way too. I also, and this is not meant as badly as it might sound, but it sounds like OP is being very sensitive to this – I don’t know enough context, but I know that sometimes I ascribe ill intentions to things that are just…not thought through.

    7. I am having some trouble pinpointing the issue here, maybe this is it:
       (1) they ask you for your time and things, and you provide it
       (2) they publicly make statements that they are benefiting from your time and things
       (3) they are buying a huge house and this is causing you resentment.

       You claim that it is only (2) and (3) that are bothering you, and not (1). But (2) is a direct result of (1), so if you gently set boundaries like people have suggested here, say refusing every other time, saying you are using your thing, your husband is too busy to do a haircut etc. then they will get the message and it will solve both problems.

       Regarding (3), I do think this is the real source of your resentment. It is natural to be resentful that they are moving up in life and have perhaps used you to save on other expenses so that they could use the money for a down payment – though really the scale of saving on haircuts and pool club membership is unlikely to come anywhere near the down payment on a big house. They are not related at all. You can’t do anything about this except recognize it, parse your own reaction to it, and separate it from the other feeling of being taken advantage of.

    8. I wonder if there is some ask vs guess culture going on here. Are you asking them for favors or are you just hoping they will offer? They sound like they’re askers so you should feel free to ask too! They might not even realize there’s an unevenness here.

       1. I kind of wondered if that might be the case. Also, the Op’s family seems so friendly and generous. I wonder what would have happened if Op’s husband didn’t offer to get some firewood when there was none – would they have asked? Some people will say yes to what’s offered but don’t tend to ask on their own.

    9. I don’t think you need to cut off the friendship, but you don’t have to keep lending them your stuff or giving their kids haircuts. They don’t sound very generous or thankful, for sure, but I would chalk this up to having very different approaches to relationships and reciprocity. Also, even if just a 1/2 mile away, this friendship may cool a bit anyway. They may see you as besties, hence why they ask you for things they wouldn’t dream of asking from anyone else.

    10. So it’s interesting that the straw that broke the camel’s back was hearing that they may be buying a much more expensive house. Even if the house is just 1/2 mile away as OP said, having greater distance from someone annoying is a good thing. Instead, news of the house crystallized resentment. It feels like OP is done the “they should” and “they can afford it more than we can” path. I think the answer really is simple, as others have indicated. OP should do exactly what they want with respect to the neighbors. Don’t want company at the pool? “Oh, this is a family outing.” Want to borrow something? “That would not be convenient right now.l. No, no ,no to things that OP resents doing. Neighbor moves away, natural distance makes things much less awkward. But it does seem worth exploring why purchasing a more expensive house would trigger OP’s reaction. Envy, perhaps.

        1. It’s not envy. The OP said that this woman doesn’t do it to other people; OP grew up poor, so she likely has a very strong ethic of wanting to help people out, especially to save them money or time; and this woman takes a bit of a tone to subtly push OP’s buttons. The big house is confirmation that this woman is actually just being a massive jerk to her.

           Random question, OP: do you work, and if so, what do you do, and same for her?

           1. Yes, I do work — I’m a private school administrator. Think Chief of Staff or Head of External Affairs type of work.

              She also works in education as a teacher trainer (reading) for our local public school district. Curious as to why you ask?

              1. Because it’s a familiar pattern, and one I frankly wish did not exist. If you had asked me to guess all of the following things, I would have guessed correctly: her occupation; her income’s importance to her household finances; your occupation vis-a-vis hers; and your income’s importance to your household finances. BLUF: ignore her; she’s working out her own demons on you.

              2. Adding: this isn’t a slam on teachers. A lot of it is the way we structure our public schools, compensation, and advancement potential: unless you get an Ed.D. and go into administration, you’re basically doing the same job for nominal increases in pay; you have a very generous pension, but that only is worthwhile if you stay in for 25+ years.

           2. I’m having a hard time understanding how this family is buying a big house “at” OP and her family.

              1. I think I would feel the same way. This family has been watching their pennies by “borrowing” and “mooching” and letting OP host more often and now they’re buying a much more expensive house. In OP’s shoes I’d feel like I owned some shares in that house!!

                 So the neighbors took advantage of OP’s generosity so they could save money. These aren’t friends. These are users.

                 However, it is true that no one can take advantage of you without your permission so the real solution is for OP to establish and enforce boundaries.

              2. Some people do buy big houses “at” other people, though. Not specifically “at” a certain person, but “at” their acquaintances in general. These “friends” sound like that sort of people.

    11. I really appreciate all of this insight — thank you. It’s helped me realize that I/we have skin in the game and need to start setting better boundaries with this family, full stop.

        The part about the house: I’ve really tried to explore my feelings on this as well — sour grapes? Envy? Resentment? I promise I’m a person who’s happy when my friends get/do good/cool things! The other families in our friend group have made equally large/exciting purchases in the past year and I’ve felt nothing (truly) but joy for them. So I think I need to dig into this reaction a bit more. Thanks, all.

        1. I am always willing to help people out like OP without questioning too much but my basic assumption with it is that we are all helping each other out so that we can all move forward together as a community. We are sharing the burden. I would be really angry as well if one person is using others to get ahead in a way because they are not really sharing the burden, they are shifting the burden to others so they don’t have to and it is really selfish.

    12. Agree with others that this is about you setting boundaries. Don’t let them mooch off of you if tin don’t want to share. Don’t volunteer to bring over some wood. Don’t host if you’re going to feel resentful about it. Just stop. Don’t do any of it.

        I can see that now that you’ve become aware of the behavior it’s festering inside you and you’re fixated on it. This happens to me, too, so this isn’t a critique. But I bring it up because I want to reassure you that it will not feel as immediate or urgent a week or a month from now.

        So – start saying no today. Put the revenge/public thrashing fantasies on hold for now. See how you feel in a week. It can wait.

        And especially after they move, once they get to the new place you’ll see them less often. It might start to feel better soon.

13. My husband and I are planning a trip in November, just us, no kids, to take advantage of a gap between jobs. But I just found out my passport is expired. Oh well, I guess that narrows the options. Where would you go in the U.S. for a week? Any really cool and unique experiences or resorts or places to stay? We’d like a mix of outdoors/hiking and also interesting city to explore. Right now, we are thinking a B&B in Asheville, but still open to other ideas. Any recommendations?

    1. Where are you starting from?

       1. OP here. From DC, but cool with a flight. Even the drive to Asheville would be 7 hours, so that’s not very appealing. This vacation is a BIG DEAL, like once every 10 years kind of thing, so we’d like something special.

          1. Budget?

             My mind wanders to Blackberry Farm for the outdoors & hiking portion, then maybe spend a few days in another city? BB Farm gets booked up but maybe they have some weekdays available?

          2. Hawaii or USVI.

          3. I’m REALLY tempted to try out the new east coast Miraval spa/hotel in the Berkshires. It will be a little chilly that time of year but the outdoor hikes/firepits outside the rooms/spa treatments look amazing.

          4. If you want Asheville and it’s a big deal trip, skip the B&B and stay at the Grove Park Inn. You could always fly and rent a car if you don’t want to deal with the drive, too.

    2. I would go to Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

    3. Santa Fe.

       1. We are going to Santa Fe in a few weeks and I’m so excited :) I’ll report back!

       2. Source: I am an NM native

          OP needs to tread with caution and watch the weather if she wants to travel to Santa Fe in November and go hiking. It may be absolutely beautiful weather, or it may be too chilly for some people’s comfort. November is also a time for freak snowstorms that can throw a monkey wrench into outdoor-recreation plans. There almost assuredly won’t be enough snow for the ski areas to open, but if a strong enough storm comes through it can shut down trails, roads that lead to trails, and even highways. Every fall NM gets tourists that are disappointed when they get to northern NM in the late fall and it’s not warm and the weather is variable. Santa Fe is in the mountains; Rocky Mountain weather in the late fall is unpredictable.

          That all being said, Santa Fe in November (especially later November) can be ultra-charming as many stores on and near the Plaza decorate for Christmas early, and depending on when she goes, the Plaza itself may be decorated. It shouldn’t be too busy, so big attractions like Meow Wolf shouldn’t be hard to get into. Tons of great restaurants. Museums are great if OP and her husband are into that. She’ll have to fly into Albuquerque and then take a shuttle or drive to Santa Fe, but I believe some airlines still have direct flights between D.C. and ABQ.

    4. Hawaii

    5. It might be a little cold, but here’s what I’d do:

       Go to Portland, ME for a few days. Enjoy the delicious food and beers, eat all the lobster rolls, and go to the Bigfoot museum. Take the mail boat tour of the islands in the bay, maybe even look into staying overnight at the one island where you can do this.

       Then, drive up to Bar Harbor and Acadia. On the way, maybe stop at the compound in… Freeport? Where LL Bean or Lands End has a big store, I hear there are also shops featuring local artists and things. Then spend a few days in Bar Harbor. Go hiking in Acadia, take a whale watching trip, eat more lobster rolls.

       You could fly to Boston and rent a car to drive the rest of the way. Or, you could drive from DC – it is long, but doable. Perhaps stop somewhere along the way – I think Newport RI is kind of out of the way, but maybe not. Or stop in Boston or I also hear Portsmouth NH is nice.

       This is basically my fantasy trip. Other option is maybe New Mexico – I’ve never been out that way and that part of the country looks amazing.

       1. Absolutely not. It gets dark at 4:15 in Maine in November, and many of the restaurants north of Portland close after Mid-October. The odds that it would be 38 degrees and rainy for half the trip are close to 60%. I’m sorry to go so hard on this, PolyD, but it’s not the right time of year for that trip.

          1. Concur. November sunset in Bar Harbour is between 4:15 pm (after the time change) to 3:55 pm. It could be a nice vacation, but it won’t be special; lobster rolls and a national park aren’t all that memorable.

             1. Oh I think lobster rolls and Acadia National Park makes for a fabulous and extremely memorable vacation. But neither will be very accessible in November.

          2. Ah, that’s good to know. I figured it would be cold, but I prefer cold weather, but did not think about things closing early.

       2. I have family in Bar Harbor and I would absolutely not go there in November. Bar Harbor is a seasonal town. Most restaurants shut for the season the Tuesday after Columbus Day weekend, whale watching trips and the like won’t be operating in November and there’s also a pretty decent chance of a significant snowfall that would shut many trails in the park. You’ll get a dirt cheap hotel room and then find yourself up there with nothing to do.

    6. Depending on your willingness to travel: a combination of Seattle for city things and the San Juan Islands for beautiful hikes and great food.

    7. Have you looked into expedited passport renewal services? Not sure if that is still available, but it’s worth exploring if you want to travel internationally.

       1. That’s not available like normal right now. “Regular” expediting is a 12 week turnaround compared to 16-18 weeks for “normal.”

          To expedite within 72 hours, you have to get extremely lucky with an in-person appointment — within 72 hours of your actual flight.

          Signed, wanted to go to Canada to ski over New Year’s, but can’t rely on getting her passport back in time…

       2. I’d second this, particularly as I can see from the thread that you’re in DC – you have a lot more options for in-person appointments here.

    8. Puerto Rico!

       1. +1 I would go to PR also.
          I love Maine but it’s too cold at that time of year for me and if you go north of Portland many things will be shut for the season.
          I was very unimpressed when we went to Asheville earlier this year. I thought the food was really underwhelming and the crowds were insane. It might be less crowded in November though.

       2. I know nothing about weather patterns, but my husband and I went to Puerto Rico and I loved every single second of it.

          1. We went to PR in November and it rained 5 days straight. Do not recommend.

    9. Not very original, but I would go to Hawaii. I love it there but it never makes it to the top of my list because there are always more beguiling foreign options available. If I were in your shoes I would seize the opportunity. Similarly, Alaska (although it would probably be too cold in November).

       1. +1. It is a long trek from DC, but doable for a week. Personally, I would go to the Big Island (Mauna Kea).

       2. Hawaii is a good idea. I’ve done a week in Hawaii from Chicago several times and have always thought it was worth it.

          My vote would be for Kauai, especially if this is a rare opportunity to get away without your kids. Other Hawaiian islands are more kid-friendly (I’ve done Big Island and Oahu with toddlers, with great success).

       3. +1 Yep if this is a BIG trip, go somewhere that you won’t easily visit another time.

    10. I think Asheville may be your best bet if you want the combination of city and hiking in November. If you just wanted a city, I’d say Charleston SC and if you just wanted hiking I’d say rent a cabin near Great Smoky Mountain National Park (the cities near there are tacky and touristy, but there are some really lovely VRBOs that have beautiful mountain views at 1/5th the price of Blackberry Farm).

14. Reposting because I forgot to include a key detail (whoops).
    Favorite places to travel in early October? Fantasizing about where to go for our honeymoon next year. If you have specific recommendations (resorts, etc.), please share! Thanks in advance!
    (In yesterday’s post I made it sound like I’m looking for a place for a destination wedding, and that’s not the case.)

    1. No you didn’t and you got loads of recommendations.

       Paris. London. Rome. The entire country of Spain.

       1. Sorry to have inconvenienced you. Have a good day!

    2. I think Italy in early October is pretty great! The weather is still nice, but it is so much less crowded. (I have never been in late October, but it would probably be nice then too.)

    3. I’ll answer again now that it’s clear!

       Europe – northern (London or Paris) if you don’t mind chilly temps for wandering, southern (Italy or Greece) if you like milder temps but don’t need to be sunbathing. We adore going to Europe in the fall bc you avoid the summer mob and risk of heat waves, but it’s still lovely for walking around.

       If you’re more adventurous, October is spring in the southern hemisphere. Not sure when the 100% best time to take a Cape Town / safari trip is, or Australia or New Zealand if they ever let anyone back in, but I’d look into it! (These are all on our “wish list” still :) )

       Not the Caribbean. It’s hurricane season and so, risk of poor (rainy, overcast) to catastrophic weather aside, lots of hotels and restaurants are shut. Aruba may work but isn’t particularly “romantic” IMHO as it basically feels like Ft Lauderdale with nicer water. If you want the “island honeymoon” vibe in October I think you’re stuck going west a la Hawaii.

    4. We went to Siciliy on our honeymoon in late September and loved it. Then the following year we went to Crete in late September (with a stopover in Athens) and loved that even more.

    5. I’ve always wanted to go on a polar bear safari in Manitoba and you can only do that in October. Otherwise +1 for Italy and Greece (the latter was my honeymoon spot, although in August), Hawaii, safari in Africa and the southern hemisphere especially Australia and NZ if they let us in by then. French Polynesia and the Maldives are amazing beach destinations if you have the budget. Patagonia or Machu Picchu would be amazing if you’re looking for something more adventurous (fwiw, I regret not doing more hiking-based travel pre-kids – I’ve found that travel is still a lot of fun with kids, but you can’t take little kids on a 5+ mile hike).

       If you can tell us more about what you like to do and what you’re looking for out of a honeymoon, people might be able to offer more specific suggestions. Most of the world has pretty nice weather in October (the main exception I can think of being the Caribbean with hurricane season), so that doesn’t really narrow it down.

15. I’m attending a black-tie optional wedding in New England where the ceremony and reception will both be held outdoors. I expect it will be chilly (low 60s). What do people generally wear as an outer layer? I get cold easily but I’m wondering if a regular coat/jacket would be weird. It doesn’t help that when I picked out a dress a while back, I choose a long slip dress, and unfortunately don’t have anything on hand that has sleeves or thicker material.

    1. I would think a nice wrap, or dressier pea coat would be lovely. This would be a good instance to borrow a dressier coat from someone rather than buy one if you don’t have one.

       1. A peacoat is not a formal look and is worn with pants, not a dress.

          I’d wear a faux fur jacket and put something like long Spanx under the dress for warmth. Or wear a long wool coat in a dressier style than a peacoat.

          1. Yes, I guess what I meant was a dressy wool coat, not pea coat.

    2. My dream outerwear for blacktie is vintage fur. (I not no secretly covet my grandmother-in-law’s gorgeous fur car coat that I borrowed for my wedding).

       1. Co-sign. I have a faux fur jacket that I wear to fancy things and it is surprisingly warm and was not expensive at all.

       2. Yep. I wore a faux fur jacket until two years ago when I inherited my mom’s mink jacket.

    3. I’d probably wear a leather jacket.

       1. Ooh, the look of a leather jacket with a slip dress would be a great vibe.

          1. Would look amazing but may not be warm enough.

             1. I have a leather jacket with a zip-out faux fur lining and it is perfect for stuff like this. I got it at Goodwill.

             2. Awesome!! I was thinking a leather bomber jacket with a fleece or fur lining would be perfect.

             3. My old Eddie Bauer leather bomber with the down-filled lining could handle it.

    4. It would not be weird to wear a regular coat – but check thrift stores for a long wool coat. You may have to check a few times but vintage coats are always popping up in my local thrift stores.

       1. This! I got married in Canada in the winter in a long thrift store wool coat.

    5. Well pick a warmer dress to start!

    6. I would rethink and go with some sort of dressy jumpsuit, which will make wrap/coat/jacket possibilities work. For me, I would be freezing in a slip dress regardless of the outer layer, because my legs would make me cold from the ground up.

    7. Isn’t this what those faux fur wraps on Amzon are for?

       1. Yup.

    8. I would wear tights and close toed shoes.
       Do you live in a place where you’d wear a dressy wool coat again? I’m in New England and have 2 dressy wool coats that are genuinely warm but they were $$$. If you’re not looking to spend much, a faux fur paired with opera length gloves would look very elegant and intentional! I got married in April and wore a faux fur capelet from H&M and it was shockingly warm – Macys/Nordstrom/BHLDN should have them.

    9. If I knew I got cold easily, I can’t imagine anything other than a puffer that would keep me warm outdoors in the low 60s, for hours, wearing a slip dress. Can you wear something else?

    10. I wouldn’t go. Sounds miserable.

16. For those of you in the situation, how do you feel about working for a company whose actions may not be in line with your personal beliefs? Think working for Mylan after the epipen price hikes, working for Wells Fargo, a tobacco company, working for the government when that administration is doing X, Y, or Z that you disagree with, etc. Does your opinion change if you are either working to better that company (think, compliance advice/changes), that you enjoy the actual day-to-day work you are doing, that you enjoy the people you work with/culture, the benefits are good, etc.?

    1. I’m one of these. I never thought I’d work for a Bank but I am working to change it from the inside so that both our financing and operations are genuinely better. I am making this large institution a better place through my actions and millions of people will benefit.
       That being said – I am able to say that because of my role and department. I don’t think I’d be comfortable working in credit cards (where banks make money from people being – to varying degrees – out of control with their finances and having to pay interest)

    2. I worked for an evil company (one of the major American auto manufacturers) and it was really challenging emotionally for me. I liked my colleagues but I was always acutely aware that I was a terrible person and causing incredible harm to the planet. I initially took the job because I was desperate and facing homelessness so I’m very grateful it kept a roof over my head, but I furiously applied elsewhere and as soon as I could get out I did.

    3. Ethical concerns aside, I’d be worried that I’d either be set up to take the fall for something bad the company did or that the company would fail and I’d be out of a job.

    4. I did this for several years. The reality that came home for me was that in a huge company “changing things from the inside” requires playing a lot of games to get into a position where you can actually act as a change agent, and even then, the forces acting against you to maintain the status quo are powerful. It requires a lot of mental fortitude, patience, a real focus on the long view, and considerable skill at political game playing to do the organizational equivalent of getting an aircraft carrier to change course even one or two degrees. I am much happier working in a smaller company with a better mission and better values, where my seat at the table actually carries weight and influence, and change is a lot easier to accomplish.

       I will also say that I believe in an organization like Wells Fargo, the cultural rot goes too far down for it to ever successfully get rooted out (even by people at the c-suite level) – the company will have to fail before anything materially changes. And in the case of a company like Altria, they are selling a product that they know kills people and there’s no amount of sugar-coating you can do that changes that fact. If other people can work for those organizations and feel like it’s okay, they should do what works for them. I am happier not working for a company where the business goals and organizational values don’t stand in direct opposition to my personal values. There are lots of jobs out there, and I personally don’t want to spend my limited time on this Earth in a constant process of reconciling what I do for a living with what I believe to be right for people and the world.

    5. I worked for a company that was very much in the headlines in 2008/2009. It was miserable in terms of workplace culture, but I wasn’t conflicted about working there. I knew that the work I do wasn’t part of the problem, but by continuing to do my work I was helping to fix the problem. And that was important. I stayed there another decade.

    6. At the risk of protesting too much, I don’t think being one of the 9M people working for government institutions makes me responsible for the many policies and actions of the government. It’s a little bit different when a for-profit company makes their money with shady tactics.

       1. +1

          I’ve worked my entire career in government (at USAID and now I’m back in New England working in state government), but I’m thinking of leaving to work for the private sector. I never had any qualms working for the government – even in the Trump administration it was fine because it doesn’t get more bleeding heart than USAID. But, any move to the private sector is giving me pause. Even companies that are fine – just the concept of working in a job that exists so that some people at the top make lots of money is gross.

    7. To me there’s a gradient here. I could work for a big financial institution or pharmaceutical. I’m not sure I could work for a tobacco company and I DEFINITELY couldn’t work for the NRA.

       1. I feel the same way. A law school classmate was in-house counsel for a very scammy MLM (not LLR) and while I’m sure they don’t make Biglaw money, it felt gross to me.

    8. at least to me there is a big difference between working for Wells Fargo (assuming you weren’t involved with anything that happened) and a tobacco company. there is literally nothing at all that a tobacco company does that is good. like their product is inherently. bad

    9. I couldn’t do it, which is why I spent my career so far in nonprofit advocacy. I’m sure I have the lessened retirement accounts to show for it though.

    10. My career is to afford me a roof over my head and the mental freedom to not worry about money so much that I can’t have a life outside of work. For me, that has meant a career in insurance and financial services, including Fortune 500 corporations. I did stints in more altruistic orgs (public health, nonprofit, startup intent on making healthcare better) and had unprofessional bosses and peers that made me realize I need stability and a real HR department. To each their own. My company now gives loans to small businesses and helps first time home buyers…they also help rich people get richer. It’s the most normal environment I’ve been in and I don’t have to deal with insane coworkers. Im happy and I sleep at night just fine.

17. Are there any other huge fans of the Office of Angela Scott? If you were a 42yo, how would you style the Miss Scott’s – heeled Chelsea boots?

    1. I’m going to be honest, random comments on this website are the only place I’ve ever heard of this brand.

       1. lol I had the same thought

          1. Yeah I think this is the third time there’s been a question about this brand.

             1. yep, there were a bunch recently, an not a lot of responses!

       2. Not gonna lie. I was reading the last comment and this one too fast, apparently, and thought the commenter was asking about wearing the same kind of shoes as Angela in The Office, like the TV show.

          1. I thought that too!

          2. I’ve recently heard of the brand but same! It’s like a fanfic where Angela and Michael Scott get together and start a shoe co.

          3. Wait it’s not? I’ve never watched The Office but honestly thought this question was about a character on the show.

       3. I’m not OP but I get their mailer from time to time. It may be because I’ve ordered from mm la fleur before. I started getting the shoe catalog and The Fold catalog around the same time.

          Gorgeous shoes but I’m not at a place in my life where I’d spend that much (sole practitioner, permanent WFH)

       4. I had the same thought! I don’t know why but these random questions about this shoe brand just feel really different. Stop trying to stealth market to us!

    2. I’ve drooled over this brand’s oxfords while looking through the Nordstrom shoe selection. Heeled chelseas maybe I’d go 70s inspired and pair them with kick flares. Are you referring to the Western inspired boots? That’s a big trend this fall but I’m a little lost on how to style them…

    3. I assume I first heard about them here, but I now own three pairs. A pair of (loud pink and gray) Oxfords, the heeled Miss Button, and a pair of the combat boots. The shoes are truly gorgeous and the craftsmanship is better than on most women’s shoes.

       As for styling that pair, I think with flared jeans, cropped jeans, or even skinny jeans depending on how they are hemmed. I also think they’d look great with certain styles of shirt or sweater dresses, even with tights, in cooler weather.

18. My ex died. I just found out this week but apparently it happened like two years ago. Needless to say, I’m not in touch with any of his people. It’s been close to 20 years since I last saw him. He was my first love, we were together all through high school. We broke up because he started to get into hard drugs. It sounds like he died from an OD, possibly intentionally. His girlfriend posted some of his last texts on social media. They sound exactly like the calls and letters I used to get from him. He said he felt stuck in the same place for the last 20 years, an endless cycle of using and rehab and rebuilding and using again. I feel so sad for him that he was never able to break that cycle, but also proud of him that he managed to survive this terrible disease for so long. I was sure he wouldn’t see 20.

    I don’t know where to put this sadness. If I’d found out about his death when it happened, I would’ve reached out to his mom. She was always kind to me and I think she would remember me. I’m not sure that’s appropriate now. I’m also not sure if I want to continue to dig up old memories of that relationship. I’d forgotten about that time we went to the movies and he got up to “use the bathroom” and never came back, I was stranded with no phone or car, later he got picked up and hauled off to juvie then rehab. When he stood me up on Valentine’s Day and the cops found him on the edge of a bridge wanting to jump, back to rehab. But also the way his smile lit up the room, how expressive all of his art was, the way he made me feel loved and needed and cared for. I always saw the man he could’ve been, and it’s clear from his gf’s posts that she saw the same potential I did. I almost want to tell her, there’s nothing more you could’ve done, just like there’s nothing more I could’ve done 20 years ago. She wrote a blog about him, she’s still writing regularly, but I haven’t read it and I’m not sure I want to. I thought I had finished grieving him decades ago, why does this feel so fresh?

    1. Because it is fresh. It’s one thing to grieve a life and person who is no longer in your life but they are still alive. And to grieve an actual death. You cared about this person. A lot. There is never one way to grieve. Feel your feelings. Give yourself some grace. Maybe journal about the memories that come up as a way to release them. If you have a therapist, obviously talk to them. Visiting a grave site may be helpful for you. Regarding reaching out, I do not think it is ever too late to send a card or note.

    2. I’m sorry for your loss. From your description of his lifestyle it sounds like he was lucky to live another 20 years so perhaps you could reframe it that way – those 20 years were a gift.

       Grieve however you want to – there isn’t one correct way to do it. You might explore it with a therapist who specializes in grief counseling. I found mine enormously helpful.

    3. So, I was in a very similar situation ten years ago, when my ex-fiance (who I’d been with through part of high school and most of college) died in his early 40s from chronic alcoholic pancreatitis. I had not seen or spoken with him for about 15 years when he passed. Part of the reason we split up was because of his problem drinking, which had seriously escalated in the last two years we were together. He continued drinking and it eventually killed him.

       I could write a novel in response to your post but I would recommend you read about disenfranchised grief – it helped me a lot. Whether or not anyone else thinks your grief is warranted, understandable, acceptable, etc. you have the right to grieve the person you knew, and also the person you wished he could have become. Give yourself time and space to process the grief, and you might want to think about talking to a therapist.

       If you would like to post a burner email I would be happy to email you and just be a listener. This is a hard thing and I did not have people in my life I felt like I could talk to about it when my ex died. At the time he passed, I had been happily married for some time and had a child, a career, a great life, etc. and people seemed puzzled as to why I was grieving someone who had hurt me profoundly, especially when I had made a great life for myself and he obviously had not been able to do that for himself. Part of why it’s called “disenfranchised grief” is because people don’t feel they’re allowed to express the grief they’re feeling, and that is definitely how I felt. You are in my thoughts.

    4. I think a mother would always appreciate a note highlighting good memories of a child. “Dear Susan, I just learned about Jeremy’s passing last week. I wanted to send you my condolences and share X…”

    5. Wow I went through something so similar two years ago. My high school boyfriend fell into hard drug use when we were dating so after a bunch of bad stuff happened I left. I found out he had passed on when his girlfriend posted it on his social media page. I thought about reaching out to his parents but ultimately was too afraid it would hurt them or would be weird because we’d been out of touch for so long. But I don’t necessarily think it’s wrong for you, if that’s what you decide to do. You’re right it feels so fresh even when you’ve gone no contact for years. I called my best friend who knew him well and I asked her to listen as I unloaded all my confused and sad and angry thoughts. We talked about the good memories we had and our sadness that it ended up like this even as you said it felt like it was inevitable. I hope you have the space to process this and that you know there are no wrong feelings or thoughts here. Sending you hugs.

    6. My dad died two years ago and I would so appreciate a call or note from a friend of his who just found out and wanted to talk to me about him. Two years later (plus covid) and it is like he never lived for other people.
       If you can find it in yourself to reach out, there is no expiration date on condolences or sharing stories. You don’t have to deep dive into it but be sure that his mom thinks about him every day and a message of kind remembrance is likely to be treasured by her.

19. Please help me internally settle a debate! It drives my husband crazy when I look at my phone while we’re watching tv at night. I’m not talking during a special Saturday night movie or something, but the regular Netflix stuff we do most evenings once the kids are in bed. He says it bothers him that I’m distracted and that it changes the experience of a joint activity. I feel like it’s weirdly controlling (he’s not normally like that) and why does my looking at phone impact his enjoyment of an activity that’s pretty solo. I like being able to respond quickly to short work emails late night because I feel like it makes me look plugged in and responsive (just back from maternity leave). And it’s just like mind your own business! I can multi task and it doesn’t impact my ability to enjoy and follow the tv show! Reasonable? Unreasonable?

    1. My parents are like that. I literally cannot just sit and watch tv – since I was a kid I always read a book while watching or something. And I really was paying attention to both, happy to discuss the show, debate the finer points, etc

    2. The glow from a screen will bother me if it is in my line of vision. Could that be affecting him?

    3. I can see both sides. The fact is that if he views this as quality time together and you’re disengaged, it’s not very enjoyable for him – it’s like going out to dinner with friends who text other friends the whole time. However, if you view this as “TV time” and not “together time,” I see no issue being on your phone. Just talk to him about it!

       Also, my husband and I do better at making sure our “together time” is high-quality – think hiking, traveling, swimming, exploring, etc. We’re fully engaged, active, etc. when we’re doing those things, so then it matters less if someone is a bit checked out on the TV time later. Are you getting quality time with your husband besides this Netflix time?

       1. I’ll also add that I’ve been around friends who insist “I’m watching! I’m paying attention, what’s the big deal”! while they’re multi-tasking on their phones, but they’re not and it’s obvious – if it takes 10 seconds to reply to a question, if you have to pause and say “what?” to something your friend just said, and if you’re using the phrase “hold on one sec” a lot, you’re really not engaging with your friend/partner. Consider whether this is you or not or ask your husband for his thoughts.

    4. DH and I don’t look at our phones if we are watching something together. If one of us is just flipping channels and sitting next to the other person who is scrolling on their phone or texting, that’s a bit different – like reading a book while the other person watches tv

       marriage counsellors would call it a ‘bid for connection’ – he wants the two of you to connect about what you are watching together.

       1. +1. The “bid for connection” thing is really important. The classic article Masters of Love in the Atlantic laid it out really well!

          “And Gottman made a crucial discovery in this study—one that gets at the heart of why some relationships thrive while others languish. Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: He’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird. The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that. People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t—those who turned away—would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”

          These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow-up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in 10 of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of 10, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.”

          https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

          1. The Gottman research is fascinating stuff! You explained the “bid” concept well.

          2. OMG I will never forget the time I was having a weekend breakfast with my former husband. He was reading the electronics ads to me, and I was (appropriately) interpreting that as bids for connection and responding accordingly with interest. And then I had the temerity to read a real estate ad to him, and he turned to me and snapped (and I quote) “you are filling my head with useless junk!”

             Profound effects on marital well-being, indeed.

             1. ETA these ads were in the Sunday (physical, printed) newspaper, for those of you too young to pick up on the context. ;)

    5. So I think you can find a balance. If your phone is away, you’re more likely to talk to him during the show! Or cuddle! It isn’t great to be constantly scrolling. I don’t think you need to never check your phone but sounds to me like you could do with scaling it back.

    6. I feel the same way when DH is screwing around on his phone during what’s supposed to be a couples activity.

    7. I’m like you and my husband hates my scrolling too. He articulated it well though – if we’re watching TV together, it’s an activity we are supposed to be sharing, and it feels disconnected when my mind is elsewhere. We compromise with “is it a scrolling/look at the internet/ old show on in the background night” or a “watching a show together night.” For the latter, I out my phone away. We snuggle and talk about whatever we’re watching and it is a lot more fun and connected.

       1. +1. That’s the way to go.

       2. Totally agree with this.

       3. +1 If we’re watching a new episode of Ted Lasso or GBBO, nobody had better be on their phone. Other times we’re probably both scrolling.

    8. He’s being controlling. Use your words with him.

    9. We have this debate sometimes. I like to exercise or scroll during tv and he likes to watch. I like being in the same room as him even while doing different activities. So now he will watch one episode of something I have minimal interest in while I do a workout/ finish some work stuff, then I will sit on the couch and watch something we both want to watch. I feel like this is one of those “agree to disagee” things and you guys jist have to do it one way half the time and the other way the other half of the time.

    10. i’m kind of with your husband on this one. i say the same thing to DH. if we are both focused on the show and cuddling etc. on the couch it feels more like a joint activity

        1. Agreed. I assume we’re going to be focused on our activity, and if I need to do something else, I’ll say something like “Sorry, I really need to respond to my boss on X.” so I’m not just tuning out with no explanation.

    11. I do this because my husband is incapable of shutting up long enough for me to enjoy a show. I stopped getting invested in TV and movies because his yapping never stops and I was constantly missing plot points. If he wants me to put down the phone, he has to be silent, which he won’t. I refuse to budge on this, it’s controlling. What he’s really saying is “Pay attention to the TV unless I decide I want to talk at you, then pay attention to me. But you can’t pay attention to something I didn’t choose, that’s not allowed.”

        (Note: severe ADHD is at play here, so while he tries to stop talking, he’s constantly forgetting himself.)

    12. There are some good answers in here and for us it is about communication. We have some shows that we watch together – Ted Lasso, John Oliver – where we generally agree to not be on our phones. And we have some nights where it’s more about “i want to sit next to you but don’t care what you’re watching, will just be on my phone” for each of us.

    13. Honestly, this would bug me too. In busy lives, I don’t get a lot of one-on-one time with my partner. So watching TV with him is a quality time exercise and if he is distracted and multitasking it’s hurtful and I think what’s even the point even though I know he isn’t doing it at me. That said, the only time he would do this is if his kids call him and obviously that is acceptable to me of course!

        He and I both have quality time high in our love languages so it’s easy for us not to multitask when we are having time together. It sounds like one of your husband’s high LL is also quality time and yours is not. It’s not about who is reasonable or unreasonable, it’s about him feeling like you don’t value your time together even if you view it as throw away time. I encourage you to try to find a middle ground. He gets an hour of uninterrupted time and then you can check email or whatever.

20. Y’all, I shed a lot of hair. I’m good about vacuuming normally, but I realized there is a lot of hair stuck in my carpet. I’m going to play around with different vacuum extensions, but any other suggestions?

    1. Wear sneakers with rubber soles. Use your foot as a squeegee. It is appalling how much hair I collect using this technique. Especially great for carpeted stairs.

       1. Smart, will try this! Yeah the amount of hair I have just noticed is appalling. The carpet is black-and-white and my hair is black so you don’t see it, but its just gross that its there

          1. Look for a “carpet rake”. I got one with 1 inch flexible rubbery fingers and just run it over the carpet every so often. I really picks up a lot of hair and other bits of stuff that gets ground in and vacuumed over.

       2. They also make long-handled rubber brooms – they’re advertised as a solution to pet hair, but would work on human hair as well.
          I never understood why my dad got so annoyed at hair wrapped around the vacuum brush until I had a long-haired wife.

    2. Change the belt on your vacuum cleaner regularly. It makes a big difference in how much of the embedded hair the vacuum will pick up.

    3. Cleaning service. They get more hair up than I ever will.

    4. A cheat brus tha you only use for this purpose. Brush the carpet and be amazed.

21. Lawyer recommendation in Northern NJ for basic estate planning/will? Or is this something that can be done remote via Zoom? Been dragging my feet but now that I have a child really need to get this done!

22. Thank you for the kind thoughts / pep talks yesterday. The meeting went about as well as one could go without a specific date/money discussion. Boss flat out said I deserve a promotion. They’re in the process of figuring out how our business unit is handling promotions this year as there was a bit of a moratorium on them for a while bc pandemic. He’s circling back to me with a plan by end of Nov. I feel good about it.

    1. Thanks for the update! Let’s hope Boss follows through!!

    2. yay!

23. Best bed pillows – what do you recommend? Side sleeper here…need some new ones. Neck support is important.

    1. I’m liking the Cuddledown overfilled one. I got the cheapest one but it’s $44.

    2. I’m a fan of latex foam. I’ve just bought the cheap ones at bed bath and beyond, but I definitely want latex foam. I’m a side or belly sleeper.

    3. I got the Casper one on a whim and love it. My partner is jealous and keeps saying he’s going to get one too.

    4. The Sleep Number 3-layer adjustable pillows.

24. Any suggestions on how to respond to vague feedback on timeline for a big promotion? I’ve talked to my boss about going for partner in the next year or so, which would be normal for my level of seniority at our firm, and his response is always that they are excited but it’s not quite time yet. He hasn’t articulated what I need to do or show for him to feel ready. I’m not sure where to go with this and am concerned this could drag on for awhile with no clear path to change his mind.

    1. Judging by peoples’ many stories on this topic, I’d say look for a new job because they’ll string you a long until you can’t stand it anymore.

25. What fancy/edgy glassware brands do people know of? Want new martini glasses – something cooler than our Waterford but higher quality than Mikasa.

    1. We just got wine glasses from Schott Zwiesel and have been really happy with them. For martinis, they have the traditional shapes and then this one that is like a cross between a martini glass and a champagne coupe: https://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/store/product/schott-zwiesel-tritan-pure-martini-glasses-set-of-4/5215364

       1. Here is their fancy traditional one: https://www.crystalclassics.com/tritan/enoteca/0011109595.htm?

    2. Anthropologie waterfall or Fiorella coupe glasses.

       Dragon glassware.

    3. I love Riedel wine glasses and barware. I think some of their decanters are edgy, as are some of the rocks type glasses, some of which could be monogrammed.

26. I’m completely forgetting what the accounts are that people recommend putting excess savings into. I think Vanguard and there were a few others?
    Assume “bad” debt is paid off, IRA maxed out, and we just have more cash than needed for emergency in the savings account. Want to keep it somewhat liquid in the event that there’s a major home repair or similar.

    1. Vanguard, Fidelity, and Schwab are the usual suggestions for a brokerage.

       If you just want a HYSA, Ally and Discover are both good.

27. Agreed. I assume we’re going to be focused on our activity, and if I need to do something else, I’ll say something like “Sorry, I really need to respond to my boss on X for two minutes.” so I’m not just tuning out with no explanation.

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