Coffee Break: Mireya Flat

83 Comments

1. Does anyone here work with USDA home loans?

   I’m looking at a house for my 76 year old mother, and we’re not quite ready to talk to a lender, and I just wanted to know if there are any “gotchas” with the loan program to be aware of.  For example, I know the inspection and good-repair requirements for VA loans often trip up transactions; and in some markets, VA loans have gotten a bad rap. Are there things like that I need to be aware of re: USDA loans? (I’m a lawyer and I’ve googled, but I don’t have a good feel for USDAs in action.)

   The location is USDA-qualified, my mom meets the income requirements, and the house seems to be USDA “modest.” This house we’re looking at was built in 1958 and has the original kitchen and baths – they’re in good repair but old. We’d very much like to reno the house, and USDA seems open to adding money to the loan for that. One other question – should we consider the direct lending avenue or just go with a guaranteed loan?

   Real world insight appreciated!

   1. I am pretty sure my sister has one. As far as I am aware, they haven’t had issues or any gotchas. But she is super private about money related stuff.

   2. From the seller’s attorney perspective, I tend to group USDA and VA loans together when going through the process with clients. I think you will appear less competitive than other buyers going through traditional financing or cash, but it also depends on how much is being financed as well.

2. I have a sporty build (no bust) but definitely have hips, and I am short-waisted. Are there any celebrities or influencers or even good insta accounts (even random politicians or royals or someone who gets photographed in work-type outfits) to follow that dress a shape like this well? I dressed myself better in Before Times, but I just find that current cuts of clothes are just not office appropriate or are weirdly belted or strain around the hips (b/c things my waist is higher and my torso is short, the waist area of many items hits where I am widest, not narrowest, and I look stuffed in when it’s more the proportions are wrong and no matter how large the size, it won’t work).

   1. Hilary Clinton is the first that falls to mind.

      Rebel Wilson is more busty, but short waisted and hippy as well. Same with Octavia Spencer.

      1. I love Hillary and am all in on her politically, but please don’t start wearing her Dr. Evil tunic suits. I don’t know who told her that was the thing to wear for her shape, but it isn’t.

         1. I’m having flashbacks, but yes. Long boxy blazers do not work if you are short-waisted, particularly if you also are not waifishly thin. I have no shoulders. I look like I am lost in a linebacker’s jacket.

         2. The orange suit was nice, I think.

            1. I just google-images this. She has one orange suit that has a waist and normal lapels. She has another that is the doctor evil look. Yes to the first, no (hell to the no) to the second.

            2. Yes:

               https://images.app.goo.gl/cSRHppcgyZXYEkYM8

               No:

               https://images.app.goo.gl/vA9hna7Uc8kU8J4o8

            3. One is not awful (would look better with a shorter jacket though). One is ready for The Villages. No. Just no.

   2. I’m built similarly so eager to see replies but Michelle Obama, while taller, is relatively short-waisted and smaller busted, and she always looks amazing!

   3. She doesn’t wear a lot of work clothes, but Shawn Johnson (the gymnast) has that build and looks cute!

      1. Ooh, but she did wear a killer yellow or orange suit a while back!

   4. Boden–great for short waisted non busty (but tall) me. Recommend.

      1. I’m short-waisted and I’m one of the people that Boden makes look pregnant. I want to love it! But IMO it is either for people with no stomach at all or who have a long torso.

      2. Not my experience–I have a tummy, I have no boobs, and I have a super-short torso :)

         1. +1 except I do have boobs, but they’re not very… forward-projecting? Reddit has a term for this. Short short waist. But I’m 5’7″ so that also affects things. And certain Boden cuts (Ottoman dress) are not for me.

            1. +1 from a very forward projecting person, and very short waist. No Boden for me.

   5. Sandra Bullock and Mindy Kaling. Maybe Kelly Clarkson.

      Not short-waisted, but maybe the same kind of hips – Jennifer Love Hewitt.

      1. Tiffany Haddish?

   6. Tina Fey, per yesterday’s post.

   7. meghan markle!!!

3. Reposting from the morning thread — I posted late!

   Does anyone have a wedding day-of coordinator to recommend in NYC? My wedding is in 3 months and I’m starting to freak out about managing all the details — I’m not great at party planning and hosting makes me really anxious. I emailed a few people recommended by my venue, but at least one is already fully booked for this year.

   1. Maybe ask some of your other vendors if they have recommendations?

      1. Your vendors may even have someone on staff who can help you. I know most catering companies have someone who is good at making the trains run on time and dealing with last minute adjustments.

   2. Two good friends used and loved Exquisite Affairs productions. This was in the mid-2000’s, so I can’t speak to them more recently but I plan events for work and was super impressed by them.

4. Book recommendations for a future stepparent? Interested in everything, from getting along with the mother of the children to how to support my spouse. Kids are both elementary age, they have met me but due to Covid and my healthcare job we haven’t done much together – now we’re engaged and I want to do some reading. No other kids planned.

   1. A book called . . . Stepmonster? By a woman named Tuesday something-or-other. I read it years ago when I was engaged to a guy who was a dad. Turns out that his crazy ex was a big drama driver — child is lovely and such a gift.

   2. I found Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin really helpful.

      1. I posted above — this is the book I meant. Wrong day of the week for the author.

   3. I’m a stepmom to two super awesome elementary school kids. Honestly, I didn’t really find any books helpful. There are a lot of different experiences and views on stepparenting, and what helped me the most was getting a range of perspectives rather than 250 pages of one person’s perspective. I googled a lot and read various articles, and if you find yourself having a tough time with your stepkids the stepparents r*ddit can be helpful (it is a lot of venting, though, and so hasn’t been as helpful to me since my relationship with my stepkids is pretty great).

      Probably the most important thing to bear in mind is that in marrying someone with children, you are marrying a family, not a single person. The relationship is not just about you and your husband, and at times will not even by primarily about you and your husband. There’s a real push-pull, because if you two do not build a rock-solid relationship, the strain of stepparenting will likely fracture it. At the same time, you have to be willing and able, and secure enough in your relationship, to enable your spouse to be 100% focused on your kids a lot of the time – particularly when they first start spending a lot of time with you.

      There is likely to be significant acting out early on. It can run the gamut from being actively unkind to you, to being badly behaved, to just getting really upset and weepy. They will likely compete with you for their dad’s attention, because they need to know that they will still get it. You cannot take this personally. If you sense you are taking it personally, you have to remove yourself from the situation and deal with your feelings elsewhere. Because it’s not about you – it’s about your stepkids’ relationship with their dad and their fear of being displaced.

      A lot of kids of divorce have an insecure attachment style, so reading up about that can be helpful.

      It takes a lot of work to build a good relationship with your stepkids, but in my experience it is completely and absolutely worth it. I love my stepkids and am so excited when they’re coming over for our weekends. They have added so much to my life and I wish they lived with us full-time.

   4. What’s the plan for spending more time with the kids? That seems like a pretty important step for you to fully integrate into their lives. What does the dad envision your role to be like, especially in regards to discipline and decision making? What is your relationship like with the ex currently? Stepparent situations seem highly unique depending on the relationships and people involved, and it seems very complicated for the new spouse. Make sure you’re getting support for yourself in all of this.

5. Recommendations for an all-inclusive family-friendly resort in Mexico? We’re thinking of a summer trip with our friend group, with kids ages 6-10. No one in the group has traveled internationally in over 2 years and all previous trips have been with daycare-age kids so much less… opinionated.

   And anything else to consider about traveling in the time of Covid before we go? I feel out of practice even planning international trips, let alone with kids involved.

   1. I just came back from a trip to Hyatt Ziva in Jamaica and it was amazing – they also have a properties in Cancun & Los Cabos.

   2. I haven’t been but have heard good things about Grand Velas resorts for families who have a high budget. We’re going to the Wyndham Alltra this summer with my in-laws, so I can report back if your trip is after mid-July. It definitely looks like a more budget option but that’s what my in-laws needed, and the reviews seem fairly decent. I anti-recommend Grand Residences Riviera Cancun which I’m pretty sure I first learned about here. It was ok, but pretty disappointing for the price paid (almost $1k/night, although we didn’t have the cheapest room). It’s also not in the part of Cancun where all the hotels are, although I knew that before booking.

      Would definitely do Cancun area over Cabo. There’s a lot more for kids to do in Cancun and the beaches are nicer.

      Re: international travel, the main thing is getting Covid tests to return home if that requirement is still in place when you travel. We buy tests from eMed and take them with a proctor over the computer (note that it has to be a computer – you can’t use your phone). Then they verify your negative result and send you and email you show the airline. It’s been easy and convenient with a preschooler, and the cost (it’s like $160 for six tests) is worth it to not have to mess with finding a rapid test at the destination. On our last international trip, I forgot to pack enough of the eMed tests, so I had to find a local test. It worked out ok.

      1. I’ve done the eMed tests several times on my iPad without issue, FWIW.

6. I am getting all kinds of ads for Vivaia shoes – sort of Rothy’s washable type footwear. Any one with experience with this brand? They have some really cute shoes….

   1. Same! Their ads make them seem duck-feet-friendly, so following with interest.

   2. I bit and bought wedges in yellow suede. I really like them and they seem well madeand comfortable to me. I cannot speak for the duck-footed, though..

      1. Oops. Wrong internet stalker brand. My wedges are Viscata.

   3. I’ve bought a few and love them. They cross the real shoe bridge going back into the office.

7. Despite having worked her for over 3 months now, my employer has not given me business cards yet. I’m starting to go into the field a lot, and really need them. I’ve been told they’re “working on it”…what should I do in the meantime? Make my own and try to expense them? Just eat it? Suck it up and wait? Ugh…

   1. I feel like an e-mail signature block takes care of sharing this info. Can you not just get people’s e-mails and send them a follow-up e-mail or your vcard?

      1. +1 this strategy. I have business cards but barely ever hand them out nowadays. Since covid, I mostly forget them when going to meetings. I just exchange contact info over email.

         I toss other peoples business cards as soon as I can get them saved in my email contacts.

         I do get your frustration – but no need to make it a big deal with outside contacts.

   2. Talk to HR?

   3. I had business cards printed up specifically for the first conference I’ve attended in two years last week. I forgot them. And no one I wanted to exchange info with had cards either so we just emailed each other from our phones.

      1. I’ve seen people use QR codes so that you just have to scan it with your phone. Easy and contact free.

8. Need help to confront a weird situation! I signed up for 6 sessions with a personal trainer. I’d received two free with him already from the gym. I technically have three left, but he’d told me I was done. I fought this a bit, and then he acquiesced to me having one, and then having two. I texted later after going through our messages to confirm that it was in fact three. The misunderstanding I think is due to the fact that he’s cancelled sessions but still charged them to my inventory. So incompetence, not malice.

   Now, he is trying to say that I have two paid sessions left and one complimentary session, though I know that the complimentary sessions were the first two. He is leaving the gym in a couple of weeks and I have a weeklong trip coming up, so I don’t know if I will be able to schedule the final sessions with him before he leaves. I’d really like to just get refunded at this point and not have to finish up with a different trainer.

   What would folks do in this situation? Stand your ground with the trainer? Go to a manager? Just suck it up and try to cram sessions in with the guy before he leaves? He is saying we can schedule the last three sessions this week, though I’ve already told him I’ll be going on a trip. I am usually horrible at confrontation and tend to be a doormat – any advice from ladies with more experience with assertiveness would be hugely appreciated!

   1. What? Definitely take this to gym management and detail when you have met with the trainer, when he has cancelled, and what you’d like to do (ie, get a refund for the 3 of 6 sessions).

   2. Go to a manager now, so that this guy is still around and it’s not your word against the system. They are highly unlikely to refund any sessions–gyms are terrible re that. Godspeed.

      Just lay it all out on paper. What you attended, what he cancelled. What you are owed. Why this has been a painful experience and you’ve really not gotten out of it what you had hoped, based on your understanding. And that you expect them to make it right.

   3. Go to a manager. Note the training days you did have (dates). He doesn’t have incentive to make it right if he is leaving, while the gym does. I don’t know the financials, but I would think your contract is with the gym (who is paying him a cut) rather than him directly and the gym is the one who has more options to make it right (setting up a different trainer).

   4. Agree to go to the gym about this. Put the visits in an excel spreadsheet

      Left column the date you worked with the trainer. Right column whether it was complimentary or paid. (Obvs the first three are the complimentary ones, no matter what the trainer says.)

      Then you have additional rows with no dates that only have paid in the right column. So you’d have three more rows that say paid with no corresponding dates.

      Ask the gym for your money back for those paid dates. Be clear that is what you are looking for, and don’t mention alternatives.

      Be aware that if they were running some sort of promotion like 6 for the price of 3 or buy 5 and the sixth one is free, they’re not going to refund you pro-rata. They’re going to stick to that language.

      They may insist they can’t refund and you have to have the sessions with a different trainer.

9. A catalog arrived from Me and Em, which I’d never heard of before. I love it! So much detailing. But so expensive (for what I think is casual-wear, but in 2022 what isn’t office-wear?). What sorts of shapes does this brand seem to work for? I am getting catalogs from The Fold also, and am relieved that they seem to work for a more up-and-down shape, based on comments here. Otherwise, I’d be pulling the trigger.

   1. Duchess Kate has worn Me & Em, but mostly just the Breton tops I think, so not sure how helpful that actually is.

   2. I have had a couple of the Me + Em breton tops. I find most of the brand’s clothes over the past couple years have been super boxy. Not sure what body type it suits, but it’s definitely not my style. I have been to the shop a few times on trips to London and left with nothing… I do wish they would bring those breton tops back though! The quality is okay. It might be a bit overpriced, but the pieces are generally unique.

      I almost would say it’s the opposite of the Fold, which tends to run slim and fitted. The Fold is definitely better quality but it’s also more formal, so not really a fair comparison.

10. I started at a new company a few months ago and was assigned a peer-mentor to help me trouble shoot issues and answer questions. She was super helpful when I first started but over the last 2 months things have changed. She now fully ignores my emails/chats, and always cancels our meetings or no-shows. I’m sensing she’s very overwhelmed with her workload and home life, and want to be sensitive to that, but I do need my questions answered. WWYD? We report to the same manager but I’m hesitant to speak up and ruin the relationship.

    1. Not sure about your specific situation, but after a few months, you should not need so much hand-holding and you should be able to get more answers on your own.

       1. Speak with your manager and ask if there is an alternate resource as sometimes mentor is tied up.

    2. These are usually really only for the first month or so. What kind of questions are these ?

    3. Agree with others. You should have it figured out by now, and it’s no longer her job to guide you – and I’m sure this responsibility was just loaded on her on top of her already full time responsibilities.

       Leave the nest. You’re all feathered out now – you can fly.

    4. Over the last 2 months? How long have you needed guidance?

       If you still need help from a peer after a few weeks (generous) on the job, this the right job for you?

       1. this seems harsh, sometimes there are company politics type questions that pop up as you start to work with different people, etc, and you want a sounding board for strategy. Or you encounter a new issue and want to make sure you run it past the right groups.

          That said, that type of question is 100% something you could ask of a typical manager… unless the manager themself is the subject of the query :)

    5. Agree with others, that at this point your best resources for questions are (1) for work-related things, your manager, (2) for peer-to-peer questions, your peers on your team or with whom you work and (3) for admin things, the appropriate department at your company (HR, IT, Facilities).

11. how do you make yourself go to bed earlier? asking for a, uh, friend.

    1. Eat dinner earlier so you don’t have to cut out relaxing time. Work out in the morning so you are very tired.

    2. Cut out caffeine during the day + exercise. You’ll get naturally wiped out and going to bed will feel like a natural impulse / luxury at night.

       Also – just remind yourself how good it feels to wake up naturally after enough sleep. There is no movie/TV show/Twitter scroll that beats that feeling – just think of it as a gift you’re giving yourself, not a chore.

    3. Can you start your bedtime routine earlier and read in bed for 30 minutes? I think ultimately this is just a willpower and discipline issue just like eating healthy and working out more.

    4. Start by having super good sleep hygiene – get exercise, limit caffeine, etc.
       when i need a reset i take a melatonin gummy before bed a few nights in a row. After the first night, i go down to a single kids 0.5mg gummy.
       Also, warm shower, hot mug of tea, good book!

    5. Start by having super good sleep hygiene – get exercise, limit caffeine, etc.
       when i need a reset i take a melatonin gummy before bed a few nights in a row. After the first night, i go down to a single kids 0.5mg gummy.
       Also, warm shower, hot mug of tea, good book!

    6. I am a lifelong sleep struggler and the main thing that makes me WANT to go to sleep is when I am physically tired, mentally tired and have had some fun/relaxation in my day. Lack of any of these three can result in tossing and turning, doomscrolling/Netflix binging, or revenge bedtime procrastination respectively. So I agree with the advice to make time to have fun before your intended bedtime.

       I also find it helpful to “wear out my brain,” which I do by listening to audiobooks while I work (I’m an accountant so it engages both halves of my brain at the same time, I guess?). You may have luck with other types of reading, a word game or crossword puzzle, or just your work is enough (mine sometimes is and sometimes isn’t).

    7. Ugh, struggling with almost the opposite. How do you sleep through the night without waking up at 3 am? Been trying to do better sleep hygiene. Ready for bed at 9 but dont actually get into bed until atleast 10. If im still awake after 30 minutes I have to get out of bed and wait 30 minutes to try again. No lounging in bed if I wake up. So if i wake up at 3 am im supposed to get out of bed and can only go back if i actually get sleepy again. Felt like i was in college pulling all nighters by the end of the week last week…and still was waking up at 330/4

       1. What do you do when you wake up at 3/4? I have the same problem, and it usually takes a long time to fall back asleep, but after about 15-20 minutes it sometimes works. I get one more sleep cycle in before it’s time to actually get up for the day.

    8. Get up earlier. When it’s miserable and you’re tired, do it anyway. That pushes your clock back.
       Turn down the lights in your home after dinner.
       No TV/computer in the evenings.
       When it’s “bedtime,” turn off your lights and lay there even if you don’t feel drowsy yet. What works really well for me is putting in my Airpods and listening to an interesting podcast, so I don’t feel so bored that I want to get up, but my body gets the signal, hey we’re laying down in the dark with our eyes closed, time for sleep. (Podcasts also provide welcome distraction from the mind-racing that a lot of us experience.)
       Breathe through your nose only – it’s more relaxing.

12. what are the best IG/blogs for meghan markle style? loving the invictus games looks

    1. madaboutmeghan dot blogspot dot com

       Also love her blog for Kate: hrhduchesskate dot blogspot dot com

13. So my BF doesn’t really respond well when I express something I need emotionally from him. For ex: I currently have COVID and texted that I didn’t need logistical or medical help, just emotional support. And he kind of wigged out and called me a bunch (I missed the calls due to, you know COVID) and then texted me basically saying that he didn’t know what I want from.him and that’s what he’s trying to do. Is this a me communication issue? I’ll admit that I currently feel like garbage and so am probably not texting the most clearly, but this isn’t an isolated incident

    1. For sure, it’s missed communication. You tell him not to help you practically but that you do want intangible support. He calls to talk to you in person, you don’t answer the phone, he texts in frustration, you’re frustrated at him not understanding you.

       Is there more going on than crossed wires in the middle of illness? There’s no way to tell from what we see here. My suggestion is that, because you’re sick and feeling like garbage right now, you don’t try to sort this out. Just let it ride and do your best not to obsess over it. When you’re feeling better, take another look at the relationship dynamic and address whatever needs to be addressed. It can all wait a few days.

       Feel better!

       1. Thanks! Writing it out now, it feels silly to say, but I think I just wanted/needed him to say “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. I know this is a really stressful time to have this happen and to be out of the game” or something similarly sympathetic. I guess I thought I was being clear when I said emotional support but I totally see how that was not the case. And I missed the phone call because I was in the bathroom experiencing one of the grosser covid symptoms lol .

          1. Just tell him this! It’s perfectly normal to take a few back and forths to understand each others’ needs, even deep into a relationship.

       2. Sounds like you don’t have alignment on what it means to be “emotionally supportive,” so you’ll likely get better results if you tell him specific actions you’d like him to take.
          Also, TBH, the repeated calling and “wigging out” you describe sounds passive-aggressive. Like he’s punishing you for expressing a need that he doesn’t particularly feel like dealing with, but in a way that’s “overly nice” so you can’t call him out on it. Just food for thought, if that resonates.

    2. I’m usually pretty logical and not so in touch with my emotions. What emotional support do you need? If you have covid, but can get through it like a normal cold, can’t you just wait it out? I guess I’m asking because I’m confused and could just be stone cold!

       1. OP here: I’m the same way (logical, not good at emotions) and I’m actively trying to be better at identifying and expressing where I’m at emotionally. Clearly I need more practice

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