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Updated: Apr 19, 2022 334 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Notch-Collar Sweater Jacket

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | ·

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A woman with short black/gray hair wearing a black sweater blazer, a black-and-white gingham shirt, cream-colored pants, and a gold bracelet and earrings

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I simply cannot have enough sweater blazers in my closet. They were the MVPs of 2020 and 2021, and if I’m being totally honest, they’re pretty strong contenders for 2022, too. They’re a perfect “third piece” for overly air-conditioned offices and work nicely for both ends of the business casual spectrum. If your office skews more casual, pair one with denim and loafers. More formal? Wear one with a sheath dress and heels.

This one from Talbots comes in five great colors and a wide range of sizes. The black will go with everything, but I also like the “blue twilight” color for a pop of fun.

The blazer is $159 full price at Talbots—with 25% off at checkout—and comes in misses sizes XS–XL, petite sizes P–XL, plus sizes X–3X, and plus petite sizes X–3X.

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Sales of note for 9.10.24

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. anon

    For you winters out there, the Raspberry version of this jacket looks promising!

    • Allie

      I love that we’re just doing seasons now after a 20+ year hiatus. Did this all happen in the last couple of months?

      • anon

        Yeah, it seems to be resurging as a thing. The cool boutiques in my college town now have color swatches in the store so people can compare items to their colors while shopping.

      • Mrs. Jones

        My mom had a book about seasons and I spent hours looking at it when I was young (around 1980). Love it.

        • Allie

          There’s a tiktok filter for it so I don’t think it’s just this site . . .

        • LaurenB

          Huge thing in the early 1980s. Explains why my “spring” mother always dressed “winter” me in peach and rust which never flattered …

      • Anon

        I left the office in March 2020 and RTO to the Clinton Administration. Long jackets. High-waist pants. Puffy headbands. Getting your colors done. Next up — spiral perms? Pleated khakis?

        • Anon

          I draw the line at acid-washed jean miniskirts. When those come back, we have gone too far.

          • Anon

            I have a denim miniskirt with buttons down the front! Not acid wash though

            I’m in my late 30s and am thoroughly enjoying that the cool kids are wearing the stuff I wore in HS

          • Anonymous

            I mean I had a denim miniskirt like that in the 2000’s so that’s been happening for a while

      • Anon

        It actually makes me sad, my mom did it in the 80s and got so stuck on her season that she never experimented with anything else and missed out on a lot of fun with fashion. Fwiw, color only matters near your face, so if you’re really into it, get some scarves or necklaces to play that up and don’t stress about the rest of your outfit.

        • Anon

          Yes, my SIL used to have full-blown anxiety attacks over the thought of wearing something that wasn’t “her” color (such as being a bridesmaid), also anxiety attacks over the fear of losing her custom color book.

        • Anon

          On the flip side, my family used to love giving me coral and teal sweaters because “it will brighten you up” and “you always wear such drab colours.” Spoiler alert: I’m an autumn and coral/teal make me look like death. I have a fair number of bright skirts, which I guess they didn’t like either because bottoms are supposed to be muted?

        • Anon

          For me, wearing colors that are unflattering makes me feel awful, and spending $ to purchase clothing in colors that make me look jaundiced or exhausted is not in the cards. Maybe I am your mother.

      • Anon

        I know, I am having the same reaction. I had my “colors done” in the 1990s when I was a teenager, by a friend of a friend of my mom’s. I believe it was a way for my mom to try to get my proto-emo (I listened to a lot of the Cure, Depeche Mode and Echo and the Bunnymen at that time) teenage self to stop wearing so much black all the time, and as you can imagine, the effort was wholly unsuccessful. “Getting your colors done” was this whole thing – like Glamour Shots – that got super-popular and then subsequently disappeared from the world and has now come roaring back. Everything old is new again, I guess. Waiting for a new, 21st-century version of the Glamour Shots studio to open up; I imagine it will happen any day now.

        But I have to ask – because any time something suddenly becomes ubiquitous on social media, my spidey-sense starts tingling – is there a new MLM that’s pushing this? Like, I’ll “do your colors” and then you can join my downline and I’ll make money off of you “doing” other people’s colors? The last time I was like “where did this come from” it was about the R+F eyelash serum and yep – MLM.

      • anon

        I’m an old. I had mine done in 1980 and I’ve never stopped following it. That said, I have no idea why it’s “back.”

        After I had paid for it, a friend who did theatrical costuming gave me the five-cent solution, a way of determining what looks good on you, basically free. So knowing this, it wasn’t a new thing then, and there’s no need to pay hundreds, then or now. The fabric snips, the makeup suggestions, the refinements (like muted or bold) — that’s all extra that you don’t need.

        Hold up two pieces of fabric to your face, one stark white, one ivory. Which makes you look better? (Maybe start facing away from the mirror, then turn quickly to look; grab your first impression). If you’re undecided, look at the veins in your writs: greenish or blue? Noe you know if you’re warm or cool. Then experiment with shades (maybe with clothes, maybe with fabric swatches.)

        That’s all. The rest is just theater and trinkets (the charts, swatchbooks, makeup diagrams, etc.)

        • Anon

          Same — we got Color Me Beautiful from the library and it laid out what was pretty intuitive and there are tons of color swatches in there (tiny tho). My mom is a green-eyed olive-complected woman with black hair. Winter. I am a ruddy-skinned brunette, also winter, but some colors that are amazing on her are not my best. She does not wear red much. I adore red. My sister has different coloring entirely.

          ALSO: it only matters for what is near your face. Tan trench coat? Wear a scarf in a better color for you.

          ALSO: this is why I don’t wear gold jewelry (mom does not care tho and will have all the gold, TYVM).

        • Anon

          Eh, my veins are green, blue, and purple.

          And it’s easy to see that there are differences beyond “warm or cool” to what colors favor different people’s complexions?

          The fact that this is easy to see does seem to detract from the value of a prediction system, but maybe it helps when shopping online.

          • Anon

            And also: why hand-me-downs from your differently-complected friends won’t work or why NOT to buy that sweater on sale. Or how to wear tan (WITH WHITE).

          • PolyD

            Mine too! I could never figure out if I was “warm” or “cool” or a season or whatever.

            I did learn what colors look better in me by….trying on a lot of clothes in a variety of colors! By now I know certain colors don’t look great near my face, but if I really like them (pale peachy pinks, other pastels), I look for bottoms or shoes or accessories.

            I think it’s not hard to do, but it can be time consuming to figure out what looks good on you, or, what you like to see yourself wear. Can be different things – some things might look very good on you but you just don’t like wearing them!

    • Anon

      I am a winter and the raspberry color to me is for summers. It’s not actual red and the pink is not screaming hot pink enough. I was hopeful for a minute.

      • NYNY

        To my eye and on my monitor, the raspberry looks warm, so more a color for a spring. But it has been at least 35 years since I devoured Color Me Beautiful, so I could be wrong. Still, as a solid winter, the raspberry is a pass for me.

      • Anon

        I am a winter, and I agree that the raspberry color of this jacket is a clear “no” for me.

    • Anonymous

      I have no idea what it even means to be a winter or a summer or whatever season. I’ve never heard anyone speak of it before. I will have to find that book.

      • Pep

        The OG book from the 80s was entitled “Color Me Beautiful.” I’m not sure if it’s been updated or expanded in the intervening years.

          • Anon

            We had that book at my sorority house mid-80s. We obsessed over it. My sorority sisters diagnosed me as a summer, and they were right, but I was very very wrong about what summer colors actually were for a long, long time. (For some reason I walked away thinking warm, coral-y pinks were IT. No.)

    • AnonATL

      TJ-
      Fellow dark autumns, what do you wear all summer/spring? I feel like my entire color palette are traditional cold weather colors.
      I’m mostly an autumn but veer slightly toward a winter.

    • Anonymous

      The idea of doing your colors is back because there’s a newer startup that’s heavily promoting itself on podcasts, Instagram, TikTok, etc. I can’t escape it! I would imagine that Kat’s post about doing your colors recently was inspired by the ad push.

      That being said, I’m fine with it as a concept. I’ve always paid attention to what colors look good on me and tried to wear those, and having your colors done is a more formal way to do that.

    • Anon

      I love it. I’ve gone in and out of wearing “my colors” (and didn’t realize it was ever a trend, I’ve always been aware of it) and it helps me know things like if I buy that orangey red too even though I love the idea of it, it’s going to sit in my closet and gather dust because I’m always going to choose something more flattering. It’s instinctual for me. I gravitate toward colors that make me happy.

      You can take it or leave it – no one is forcing you to do anything- but for me it’s a good way to simplify my closet and prevent purchases I will regret.

      • Anon

        I have shoes that are an orangey-red; never in a million years would I wear a shirt or jacket in that color.

      • Anonymous

        This. I had a pretty good sense of what worked and what didn’t work for me before I figured out my color season. Knowing the underlying principles has strengthened my confidence in my own preferences, helped me avoid buying things that looked pretty but not on me and would therefore end up hanging in my closet unworn, and even encouraged me to branch out and try some new colors and looks that I wouldn’t have thought of on my own. For example, I avoided all prints for years because I had concluded that prints washed me out. It turns out that as a high-contrast winter I look good in bold, high-contrast, two-color prints, just not in small low-contrast prints or prints with lots of colors.

      • Anonymous

        +1
        I’ve know about this most of my life, and will say that the current 12 variants are miles apart in terms of usability and so much better than the original 4.

        I love the whole thing, because it helps me understand why some clothes will never be worn as first choice even if I can force the color to work if I wanted.

  2. Anon

    For thise of you who went through perimenopause without hormonal birth control or HRT, what did the change in your periods pattern look like over time? Ex. did you have longer between periods for x years, then periods skipping (how many months?) for Y years (months?) Then nothing? Did you have any accompanying symptoms?

    For comparison – I have had irregular but not skipping periods for a year (40 days beyween was the longest) and it looks like the pauses beyween are getting longer… Wondering what to brace myself for. Occasional night sweats and sleep trouble but no daytime hot flashes.

    I know what the articles say is “average”, I am just interested in hearing actual lived patterns. My mon and grandma are both dead so noone in the family to ask, and few older friends :(

    • Cb

      I need to talk to my mom about this. I’m 37, but went from a 29 day cycle, to 34 days, to 55 in the last 6 months and I’m not sure if it’s stress or menopause. I have a copper IUD, so no hormones.

      • Anon

        That happened to me when I was 38. It was definitely stress. I got a new job, stress levels went down, periods became more regular. At 39 I got pregnant with DD2 after a single try. I probably only noticed the irregular periods bc was using physical barrier methods instead of bcp between babies.

    • Anon

      Irregular cycles, but often shorter than usual (e.g. 21-23 day cycles were pretty common in my late 40s), interspersed with longer breaks of 7-10 weeks between periods as I got into my mid 50s. Still having periods 4-8 times per year. My symptoms are subtle. I’m warm at night but not having actual hot flashes (which I had on fertility meds so I know how they’re different). I have trouble with language, believe it or not – forgetting words that I should know. I work in a quantitative field and I don’t have similar problems with numbers, and no other cognitive symptoms.

      • Anon

        OP here – I have trouble with language too! I read somehwere it’s a “thing” as your brain is rewiring, and may take a few years to resolve. That scares me. I am in a quantitative field but very client facing, I need my words…

        • Anne-on

          I always lose words the week before my period, or with migraines. Oddly, I lose everyday words more often than ‘big’ words and will sometimes still be able to find the word for the thing in another language. I’d be more worried if it hadn’t happened to me my entire life, and my husband often laughs at how I can bust out a 50-cent word or define a word for our elementary school son no problem but can’t communicate that the ‘thing in the drawer, right there, that does XX’ is the dishtowel/colander/measuring tape/etc.

        • Anon

          FWIW this is happening to me (age 45) but also to my husband (age 51). It’s sadly hilarious because sometimes we’ll be in a conversation and one of us will start struggling to find the right word and the other person will start trying to help, but can’t locate the right word either, and it’s like both of us are in mental vapor lock or something. My husband brought this up to our family doctor who assured him it is normal age-related cognitive stuff; our doctor (who is 60) told my husband a story about being in the room with a patient and not being able to find the word “thermometer.” He’s been a doctor for 35 years.

          • Anon

            I’m skeptical that this is just A-OK. As people age, their stomach acid production can lower, which can lead to malabsorption issues that cause cognitive symptoms. But it’s totally treatable. I developed lowered stomach acid production at a younger age and was actually treated, and I worry that older patients with the exact same problem are neglected because it’s common at those ages instead of rare so no one tests or treats even when they could.

          • Anonymous

            Anon @ 11:47, I have similar worries. I don’t think cognitive problems should ever be accepted as normal, but doctors like to dismiss concerns as “normal” aging or hormonal issues and refuse to test for or treat the underlying causes.

          • Anon

            I swear, people on this board have the weirdest medical problems I have ever heard of.

        • Anonymous

          +1 for troubles with language – that’s been happening certainly since 40, maybe earlier (i’m 45 now)

          I’m a bit terrified b/c last Saturday I made a very poor driving decision and turned left into oncoming traffic – nearly caused an accident – literally seconds away from my kid’s side door being impacted. My period is due any day and I’m wondering if that was part of it. I just felt like a space cadet on that drive back.

      • anon

        I read long ago that nouns are associated with estrogen. So, loss or fluctuation of estrogen = loss of nouns.

        • Anonymous

          I have never heard this, but that tracks with my experience. Not in actual menopause, but on estrogen blockers. I am constantly struggling for words that should come naturally.

        • Anonymous

          Nouns, or words with a lexical content, sits in a different place in the brain than “helper” words and structure/syntax. Can be seen in patients with aphasia, where people often will lose one but not the other.

        • LaurenB

          It’s my understanding that nouns are what go in both men and women. Now pass me that thingy … you know, the thing you use on the thing …

    • Anon

      I am 48 and not on any hormones. I skipped a period last year and then the following month had a month long period. I skipped a period last month and waiting for it to start this month, bracing myself for the same! Besides skipping those 2 periods, my periods have been irregular – sometimes a shorter cycle, sometimes longer, and the flow is also more erratic – sometimes lighter or heavier. I am still getting period migraines so I hope those go away! I am also wondering how long this will last….

    • thoughts

      Thanks for posting. I am in the midst of perimenopause and it’s a drag. I basically have cycles every 2-10 weeks and they last longer. Average time between slowly increasing. Rarely heavy, most getting lighter. And spot almost daily. Honestly, I probably started having symptoms 6-7 years ago, most frequent 2 years ago. Hot flashes vary, sleep disruptions, emotional lability varies. Hair loss, dry skin+.

      I finally found an GYN with an interest in menopause that I started seeing. I was looking forward to having someone give me input, after my PCP just dismissed my symptoms and told me I wasn’t perimenopausal (I’m 52, but look a little young I guess..?!). What did my GYN do
      ? She said “you’re in perimenopause” and handed me a booklet about menopause. That’s it. No discussion. No advice.

      Oh…. Except she said my bleeding seems a bit irregular. Is likely just me/perimenopause and because I am on spironolactone, she admits, and she isn’t worried. But she went on to order labs, transvaginal ultrasound, and D&C/biopsies just to be sure. That I’m in perimenopause. Now I will be almost $10,000 out of pocket (I have terrible health insurance with high deductible).

      Now I wish I had stuck with my PCP. Maybe going to a doctor who is a surgeon, for advice, is not a good idea when you need support.

      I finally found an OB to start seeing.

    • NYNY

      Still in perimenopause at 52, but I think I’ve moved into the final stages. For the first four years I was aware I was in peri, my cycles got shorter – 23-26 days instead of 27-30 days – and my periods got heavier. In the last year and a half, I’m skipping more periods and much more aware of hot flashes, night sweats, and sleep disruption. To demonstrate the difference, I checked my Clue app and see that I had 14 periods in 2019, but only 7 in 2021. Hard to know if brain fog and episodes of depression and/or rage are due to hormones or the world in the past two years.

      I recommend Jen Gunter’s book The Menopause Manifesto. There’s so little good information available on this condition even though 50% of people go through it if they live long enough.

    • Anon

      I white knuckled it through without HRT. My periods started being shorter and closer together. Also surprisingly heavy. So like three days long but every three weeks. Then I started skipping them occasionally, which kind of freaked me out about pregnancy, even though I had a tubal ligation a decade before menopause.

      They say you’re fully in menopause when you haven’t had a period for a year. I went ten months without one, then they started up again for a few months, then they stopped for good. It was weird but all part of the pattern according to my OBGYN.

      I’m now 5 years on the other side. I don’t miss periods at all! The worst part for me we’re not flashes and I’m happy to report that I get far fewer of those as well.

  3. anon

    I had a traumatic childhood and have overcome a lot of those barriers and have been really successful work wise and have built a happy family life too. I’m in therapy for related things, but the recent insight has been I am still a “survivor” and really want to thrive, and that takes some mindset shifts. My assignment is around finding my own voice and doing things for my own enjoyment vs checking boxes, or because I think I have to. What are tactical ways you would do this? I’ve done some small things like picking an exercise class bc I think it’ll be fun, or grabbing coffee with a friend, but doing things because you want to is feeling harder than I expected. How do you all do it?

    • Anonymous

      I make a seasonal list of things that sound fun every season. Like spring includes patio rose time oysters gardens reading a book with tea a dance performance taking my nephew to the playground etc. then I schedule them!

    • Anon for this

      From my own escape from the same I highly recommend ACOA 12 step meetings. At least explore the readings.
      You are not alone in not knowing how to thrive rather than survive

    • Clara

      What were your childhood hobbies? You’re a grown up with money now, go do whatever you wanted to do as a kid but were unable to. I found this to be the most helpful.

      I’d also try some new things and see what you like. Just listing some things that people I know do for their own enjoyment: pottery class, painting class, rock climbing, embroidery / cross stitch of dirty words, jigsaw puzzles, home DJ set up, a range of video game related things.

      I get it. It felt weird to do things for no particular reason other than that I like them, but then I thought, why not?

      • Anonymous

        This makes me miss my single days. I grew up very much in survival mode, and as soon as I graduated from college and had a job I decided to find a way to do all the things I wanted to do as a kid but couldn’t. That lasted about four years until I got married, sigh. Then my husband wanted me to spend time with him and not to spend all our money on my own interests.

    • Curious

      One thing that has been crucial for me is making a fun budget. I used to really dither because I didn’t want to spend money, so I’d have weird patterns of no spending and then a splurge that didn’t really feel good. Having a steady money budget for fun helped me use it for fun things like books or a cup of tea or a massage or a cute Etsy pillowcase without worrying.

    • Bonnie Kate

      Solo days where I do things I want to do by myself, deliberately without a friend or DH. Like they are not invited on these days. I love outings with DH/friends, but I really, really love days where I do a yoga class, spa massage, coffeeshop, antique shopping, thrift store shopping, hiking in a park, eating lunch in a nice restaurant, ATV-ride, etc by myself.

    • Anon

      Solo travel has helped me. You have to plan the entire trip and activities so it becomes all about what you want to do. I wasn’t feeling well in an international city and just wanted to lay in bed so I did! Meal plans were always on me to decide, etc.

    • Anon

      I went to Paris by myself after a lifetime of wanting to go and never being able to organize a family trip. Then I went back the following year, by myself. Highly recommend.

    • lawsuited

      Also try NOT doing things you DON’T want to do or even not doing things right now because you don’t want to do them right now. As a box-checker, giving myself grace to not do things (and simply because I don’t feel like it, no further rationalization needed!) has brought me a lot of peace.

  4. Ellen

    Great pick, Elizabeth! I think it’s great that you are showing more clothing that people over 40 can look good in. I particularly like the ability to have a look that is a bit looser so that we need not show every fold in our skin to the public, and the longer sweater also serves us well, as I personally do not want to show the contours of my tuchus to everyone when I walk by.

    As I am now 40, I can’t wear the cute short skirts I used to before the pandemic, so I am broadening my wardrobe to be more inclusive. I’ve also determined to shop at more stores to patronize the local people. Elizabeth, can you do a shout out for the local shops that depend on us more now that less people are coming into work during the week? I think that would be a good idea.

  5. Curious

    Vent. I know we are liking BR and BR Factory lately, but I bought 5 long-sleeve shirts from them in November, and they are already looking worn. Their tees used to last years. I would suspect my water, but my other clothes look fine. Grumble.

    • Anonymous

      I stopped purchasing from them two years ago for this reason. That and stray threads or holes – every piece seemed to last less than 6 months. I had read reviews here with interest as the photos and pieces always catch my eye, but you’ve convinced me to keep up my boycott!

      • Anon

        I will weigh in opposite — these are the best clothes I’ve bought as I’ve re-sized my wardrobe after COVID-15. I’ve tried some other mall stores that have had items wear out or fall apart or outright shred soon after purchasing. I’ve found some much higher quality items (Carve and Farm Rio) but they aren’t office-wear and are much pricier than BR and BRF on sale. My kids are now in the adult women’s sizes in ON and BRF and they have not killed anything yet. I can’t explain it and we’re not gentle creatures, but it could just be bad batches and that some polyester is nuclear-bomb proof.

        • Nina

          Same, I bought a lot of my post COVID wardrobe from BR Factory, both for office and casual wear. I have bought more pants and dresses than shirts though, maybe that is the difference. I also have rarely to never had an issue with clothes wearing out.

          • Curious

            Their polyester might be great! These are cotton. I think the fibers are short. It’s the quality I would expect from LOFT (and which made me stop buying from LOFT).

        • Ellen

          I continue to buy only quality stuff, and if it starts to pill up, like my hoodie sweatshirts, I immediately give them to Goodwill, as I need to look as polished as I can, even if it is only to go to Whole Foods or to the bakery. At my age, if I was to look sloppy, men would start to look away and think of me as a dowager. That can wait 25 years or so.

          I am starting to get the eye from men who are clearly over 50, mabye over 60, who are likely divorced and looking for a younger woman to be with. I am not sure I want to deal with their children, who are probably in their mid-20s to 30’s by now — those are precisely the guys who a few years ago were trying to jump my bones, or at least get me to pull down my panties for them. It would be SO embarassing now to have to deal with their fathers, who probably see me in EXACTLY the same light. So I am steering clear of them for now b/c they can’t offer me much at all. I can afford to go to restrunts they would take me to, as well as to shows that I don’t want to go to anyway b/c of COVID. And I can do without the sloppy s-x; I had enough of that with Sheketovits.

          So all I can say is that at age 40, Im in a holding pattern, looking to land, but only if I can land safely; meaning with a guy who can be looking to put me first. Since that is not what I anticipate with the schlubs who are ooogeling me, I respectfully do not care to do anything with them, s-xueally or otherwise. Perhaps 10 years from now, but not now.

    • Anon

      Honestly there’s no where in my price range that’s worth the money anymore. I just buy a lot secondhand or buy cheap (TJ Maxx) and know the quality will stink but at least I didn’t pay that much.

      • Monday

        +1 second hand, and almost all vintage. The only quality stuff being made now is $$$$, and even at that price point sometimes they’re cutting corners because they know they can.

        • Anon

          Yes, I have a purse from the 90s whose strap never started to fall apart and that hardly shows wear. I have a blouse from the 60s that has never needed any work besides new buttons. I think planned obsolescence must have made it to fashion since then.

          I even have some vintage chairs (one velvet, one brocade) that seem to be impervious to cat clawing. The cats have been clawing at them for years, but it’s left no mark. So far I’ve failed to find modern upholstered furniture that’s cat proof, though it must still exist somewhere!

      • Formerly Lilly

        I’d say that 80% or so of my purchases of clothing and accessories for the last couple of years have been from Poshmark for this reason.

        • Anon

          I get for legit vintage wear and also for stuff way upmarket that you wouldn’t buy at retail (St. John or Boss or Dale of Norway sweaters), but IMO a lot of stuff on Posh is just the same cr@p but it’s even worse condition. IDK who buys 90% of what is there.

          • Monday

            Probably nobody, but that’s fine! Poshmark is definitely full of cheap junk, and it’s hilarious when someone posts an H&M item with tears and stains and is asking $50 for it. But it’s just like shopping second-hand in person: most stuff is of no interest. At least online you can use search terms and filters.

      • Allie

        Same. I feel like I can get much better quality on thredup for much less that it’s hard to pay for brand new clothes that look so much more poorly constructed than the second hand ones I buy.

    • Anon

      Big giant difference between regular BR and factory in my opinion. I’ve sent almost 100% back to factory and regular BR wears like iron.

      • Curious

        Maybe that’s what it is. I think it was 3 from one and 2 from the other. If I can track down which was which, I will report back on differences in wear.

  6. Anonymous

    I have been out of shape and 20 pounds overweight my whole life and decided I’m sick of it. I’m trying to eat less but would also be interested in an easy-to-follow fitness program, especially one that can be done at home with no jumping (cranky downstairs neighbor) and limited/small equipment only. Any recs?

    I do not enjoy any form of exercising except swimming, which does not easily fit into my life right now. While I’d be happy to be more in shape, TBH my desire is mostly to look better than I do right now.

    • NYCer

      I like The Sculpt Society by Megan Roup. Some of her classes include dance cardio (which I never do), but many options are just low impact sculpt without any jumping. You can use 2-3 pound hand weights, a ball and/or a band, but no equipment is required. She has a beginner program as well.

    • Anon

      Start walking – long walks are amazing exercise and fun with music or podcasts.

      • Cb

        Walking or cycling. If you hate exercise, you’re going to find any excuse to avoid spin, yoga or the gym, while walking with a funny podcast is likely something you can tolerate doing every day. Sometimes I find walking to a destination helps when I’m grumpy about going out in the rain, so I’ll walk to the shop or post office, or on a nice day, I’ll pack my lunch and go sit in the park.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks. I live in NYC so for many years I have walked a fair amount just for daily activities (sometimes several miles a day) though it hasn’t gotten me in shape that I can tell. (Get winded very fast running or similar.)

    • KW

      What’s the weather like in your location? Can you go for outdoor walks? That, to me, feels less like exercise than many other things.

      • Anonymous

        NYC, so not bad this time of year. I already walk a fair amount and yes, it doesn’t feel like exercise, but also don’t make me fit. I could step up the speed, maybe!

        • AIMS

          Also in NYC. I walk a lot for daily life but what makes a difference for is taking a purposeful walk vs an errand one, if that makes sense. I wear sneakers, leave my purse at home and listen to music. I end up walking much faster and it feels much more impactful vs. “let me walk to Anthropologie 30 min and back.”

    • banonona

      Not sure if this qualifies as “at home” for you, but after a whole life of being not-a-runner, I spent the last year working up from walks to jogs to mix walks/runs. I followed a random couch to 5K plan I found online but did each week twice to work up more slowly. I bought sufficient workout clothes (all tar get) to be ready for all weather, and just…did it. And am still doing it!

      • Anonymous

        I’m impressed! I went through a period of trying to become a runner and the exertion made me feel horrible and ill, so I stopped…but it may be that I was trying to do too much too fast.

        • Anonymous

          I followed a c25k program too, but many of them have you start with a 60 second run. That was too much for me. I started with 10 seconds of running at a time, and worked up from there. Also, one thing that helped tremendously is hearing that new runners often perceive running as “travelling forward as fast as you can.” Instead of doing that, think about how the running motion differs from walking, and then use a running motion, but try to go as slow and easy as possible so you can comfortably last through the entire running period of the run/walk mix. Only after you’ve been at it a while do you want to try to run a bit faster. Those were what made running stick for me 3 years ago, after trying several times over the previous years. I’m now training for my 2nd half marathon

      • Anon

        Pro tip for new runners: mention to your runner friends that you’re in the market for tech shirts. Many of them have too many and will happily give you the ones they get at their upcoming races. These days, I usually order them in my husband’s size or my mom’s size and give them away.

    • Nina

      I’m the same about not liking any exercise except swimming! I liked the FitnessBlender videos, especially the “easily bored” ones. The site has lots of options and they’re easy to filter through.

      If you’re in NYC or interested in an online class check out Conbody.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Have you tried a rowing machine? I have a Concept2 we bought 5+ years ago and it’s going strong with almost no maintenance. It tilts vertically and takes up very little space.

    • Anon

      Same! I’ve found some luck with using a fitbit to track overall movement versus just following a strict workout routine. I tend to purge through different Youtube fitness channels until I get tired of one and move on to the next. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of “Glow with Jo” videos. 99% of the time, there is no jumping. I would say her workouts are very apartment friendly. It’s mostly fast pasted walking in place with music. I like that she tends not to talk a lot during her videos. The thing that is key for me, is to also focus on building muscle versus just doing cardio. For that, I use a list of bodyweight moves I work through a couple of times a week and I’m working on building up repetition w/ weights.

      • Cb

        Yeah, I have a garmin which tracks overall activity and I aim for 450 active minutes a week, but I’ve deprioritised weight loss in favour of overall fitness level.

      • Senior Attorney

        I got a Fitbit for Christmas and it has honestly been a game changer. I am chasing those elevated-heart-rate minutes like they are the Holy Grail and it’s making a difference (slowly but surely).

    • anonymous

      FitnessBlender. They’ve got tons of free workout videos for all fitness levels. On their website you can filter by level of difficulty, equipment type, etc.

    • Anon

      Finding an activity that felt like fun instead of work was a game-changer for me. Personally, that was indoor rock climbing. I was so obsessed when I first began I would go 4 times a week and was able to do pull ups for the first time in my life. This was coming from only ever sporadically working out and never being able to stick with something. More recently I’ve started Caroline Girvan’s Epic series on YouTube and have been loving it.

      I know for other people they fall in love with group classes or yoga or getting a personal trainer. For me, I tried and hated all of those. So I think it’s really a matter of trying a wide variety of things and finding the one that you look forward to doing again and following that impulse.

    • Anonymous

      I like YouTube for free fitness programs. Heather Robertson has over 100 workouts she labels as low impact/apartment friendly. She also put out a 6 week low impact program about a year ago, and she more recently did a series of 10 minute workouts that could be great for you combined with walks. I think some of those shorter workouts have jumping, but even a cranky neighbor should be able to deal with sporadic jumping for 10 minutes as long as you’re not doing it during sleeping times.

      • PolyD

        I do the Heather Robinson workouts! I like the mix of cardio/high intensity/ weights.

        I just keep doing the same 12-week program over and over, and I modify some of the things because my knees don’t like jumping too much. I got myself a pair of 12-lb weights and I also have a 3lb set and an adjustable weight set I use when I want one heavier weight.

        I try to do them 2-3 days a week and that plus a solid 2+ mile walk most days has kept my weight mostly where it was in March 2020. I have a little book in which I note the workout I did and on which day. I started doing that because I couldn’t remember which ones I had done, but I find that getting to put that check mark next to a workout is kind of motivating.

    • Jules

      Look at MadFit videos on YouTube. She has workouts for all fitness levels (I’m in the worst shape of my life post-COVID and am starting with her beginner programs) and she will specify which are no-jumping/apartment friendly.

      • Mouse

        Yup! That’s so funny. Loved the show but HUGE cliffhangers at the end! Need season 2 to be out yesterday!

        • Senior Attorney

          Yes! HURRY!!

          In the meantime I just found out Season 2 of Russian Doll is out so I am super psyched about that! (And bless you, Netflix, for dropping all at once!)

  8. Double-Bingo

    What are your favorite reasonably-priced washable silk tees? I am spending more time in my office and want to update my top options, both for tucking into jeans (office is very casual most of the time) or with a suit.

  9. Weight Loss Coach/Program Recs

    TW, weight loss.

    I need to lose for medical purposes. Despite having lost 60 lbs at another point in my life and kept it off for a long while, I feel like I almost don’t know where to start. Last weight loss/current gain is the function of childbirth and a medical condition (plus some pandemic stuff, I’m sure). I think I’m finally in the right mindset. I have/love my Peloton. I’m committed to doing both cardio and strength classes. I need help in the kitchen and tracking food. I’ve had luck with WW in the past, but that was >6 years ago. It’s been my go to, and it’s comfortable though I also know it has it’s flaws, so I’m torn about just going back to the place of comfort.

    So, with that, I’m also curious about counting macros and using MyFitnessPal. If I do something like that, feel like I need more accountability than just that, though. Is this what a nutritionist is for? My one experience with a nutritionist was painfully underwhelming. Pretty sure she used plastic pieces of food to show me what a carb vs veggie was. Eyeroll. I like the live accountability I felt with WW (I went to meetings, used their online social platform a lot) but part of me is afraid to go back to something so comfortable, because that may lead to me being lazy. Any ideas or suggestions? I’m not looking for shortcuts, fad diets, elimination diets, etc. Slow and steady is the plan, but I need to tools to help me be successful. TIA.

    • Anonymous

      If WW works for you and you like it, why is “going back to the place of comfort” a negative thing? It’s a positive thing! You know it works!

      • OP

        I think I’m afraid I’ll get lax. Part of the success I had I think was attributable to wanting to understand the program, learn new recipes, etc. I know they’ve had a few iterations of the program since I was last on, so maybe it’s different enough that I won’t have that issue. I just know me and part of the “fun” was figuring stuff out for the first time.

        • anon

          I’m currently in my first month of WW. It’s very gamified now. After an initial assessment quiz, you get your daily points allotment and list of “no points” foods. There are definitely new recipes to try. Not sure about “understanding the program”, although I do wonder sometimes about what makes up a point.

          I’m pretty happy with it. And I think it’s cheap enough to try and then abandon, if you don’t like it.

          As previously when I was on WW (successfully, years ago, after two babies), I don’t go in for all their frankenfoods (much less pressure online than at live meetings), and I don’t strictly buy their low-fat approach. And after three weeks, I’m still using up some foods that they charge a high point value for, and I don’t care. Example: I’m allowed fish, but not lean beef. So I manipulate the quantity a bit to accrue lower points. Just pointing all this out to say that it IS flexible, and you CAN adapt it.

          I like record-keeping, and it’s so easy with the online app.Maybe you’d like that?

          Oh, also, there’s a subreddit — maybe check that out before making a decision?

    • Anonymous

      I really like a program called My BodyTutor. You are matched with a coach and you are expected to report everyday and you get comments back everyday. It’s all online/phone so no in person meetings and really focuses on habit building. It’s not cheap but in my case I have a lot of weight to lose (80 pounds) and I need the help.

      • OP

        This sounds interesting. I would literally go see someone daily, in person, if I could swing it in my schedule but I can’t. I’ll explore this, thanks.

    • Nina

      WW sounds good, the social aspect probably helps.

      If you do want to use an app I’ve liked Lose It much more than MyFitnessPal, which I’ve used in the past. Maybe I jsut developed an aversion to the MyFitnessPal app lol. I like how LoseIt is set up a lot more, and if you pay you can track macros as well and that has helped.

      • Anon

        +1 to LoseIt being better than My Fitness Pal. I pay for premium on LoseIt and love it. I don’t track macros (just protein intake) but like that Lose It has that feature.

        I’ve met with 2 dieticians and both have been meh for me. I already have a pretty decent understanding of nutrition (which they told me!) I more just need help with consistency and motivation so was hoping to get tips on easy meals for days I’m busy, what to choose when the options are meh, things like that.

        The most helpful thing was the dieticians gave me a calorie range and a protein range I should aim for. Both were much higher than I thought I needed but I didn’t start losing weight til I followed their guidance (who would have thought at 5’4 I need to eat 1800 cals a day to lose weight?! And aim for 85g protein to gain muscle? Not me…)

    • AFT

      I used a program through Amanda Nighbert RD when I felt like I needed a solid kick in the pants to make big changes. Her 7 week program includes intermittent fasting, macro tracking, carb cycling … (other theories I can’t remember). It’s mostly run through an app and you purchase the 7 week program for ~$200. She gives you directions on macros, tons of recipes, and then suggests posting your daily macros and activity in the group so that she and her colleagues can give feedback/encouragement/etc.
      IME and having referred several people over to the program, some part of it works for everyone if you can commit to it pretty strongly (I wasn’t ever perfect – maybe 75% on track? – but got good results). She is very committed to “progress not perfection” and says she wants you to do during the program what is attainable for you as short term/quick fix diets are not the goal – so it tends to be 1-2# loss per week throughout the 7 week program (my female friends usually in the 7-10 range for one round, men more like 10-15.
      It is a lot of work but has good results in my experience. Good luck!

    • Anonymous

      Could you make it a challenge by doing WW for the social aspect, but avoid all premade WW food and snack products and make your own from scratch versions?

    • Anon

      there is a blogger i read Runs for Cookies and she is super down to earth about this kind of stuff. she herself lost a ton of weight, gained some of it back and has now been losing again.

      • Sybil

        I used to read her but I think she’s awful for weight loss guidance because of how much she’s fluctuated. I mean, I’ve also fluctuated but no one should be following my weight loss tips. Maybe she’s gotten better but it used to be small unhealthy portions, which isn’t sustainable.

    • Anon

      My mom used to do WW and switched to Noom and looooves it. She also lost more weight than she ever did on WW. If you liked learned about the WW program and the guidance it provides, Noom might be worth checking out.

    • Anonymous

      I want to lose the pandemic weight, because I’m noticing differences in my energy level going up and down the stairs (3rd floor), but I’ve also struggled with disordered eating in the past. I’ve been following a lot of intuitive eating coaches on IG. Even asking myself if I’m hungry versus bored, lonely, etc really helps. I’m journaling more about it too.

    • Shananana

      I am just starting Calibrate, as I have some contributing issues (PCOS), and so far it seems promising. Its definitely the most useful conversation I have ever had in my life with a doctor about health and weight, so time will tell. I had been on the fence, but could use my HSA to pay for it.

    • Coach Laura

      I would ask the medical condition’s doctor for a nutritionist referral and combine with Noom or WW.

      I agree some nutritionists are useless but one affiliated with the cancer center or diabetes clinic or endocrinologist might be more knowledgeable. I would tell them you know the basics on carbs etc from prior visits with nutritionist and you intend to use X plan. Use the nutritionist for accountability if you need that.

  10. Anon

    Conversely, who has gone through menopause with a low-dose pill? My older relatives all had severe fibroids and hysterectomies. I’ve avoided fibroids (thank you, dad’s genes), so debating pill (like the heart protection; would it also help with the sahara-level dryness?) but going on it always makes me jump up a size. Not having hot flashes. Also like the predictability since I do go camping and backpacking and would NOT like to deal with a period or hot flashes when in the wild.

    • Anon

      I’m just talking my regular pill until some day when it’s clearly over with that I’ll stop. I haven’t had any menopause symptoms yet (I’m 48) with this approach.

    • Anon

      57 over here, and in menopause now. I took a low dose pill during perimenopause since I was having bad symptoms, the worst being the hot flashes. It really didn’t help at all, that I could tell. I ended up doing HRT for about a year, and that helped just a little (like maybe 20%). I think the pill did help with the dryness, but that got really bad after menopause but I have lost all interest in s$x anyway due to menopause so there’s that.

      I was just thinking this morning that aging takes away ALL the pleasures in life.

        • Anonymous

          That’s harsh. I am happy to be getting older and feel privileged to do so, but I miss the ability to sleep through the night and my libido something fierce.

          • Anon

            57 YO OP here. It is sad! I agree! But I feel like just to stay healthy as I age I can’t drink anymore, or eat the foods I love, or enjoy s$x, or enjoy exercising they way I want to (must be low impact), I have to spend a lot of money to maintain things…..and on and on! I am trying to focus on the good things I can do as I age, but sometimes it is so depressing!!

        • Anon

          Eh, I’m 41 and absolutely hate gardening (my husband is terrible and refuses to learn).

    • PolyD

      I started taking the pill at age 22 and never stopped until I was 52. Would have kept going, except my blood pressure started creeping up.

      By my early/mid 40s, I basically wasn’t getting a period at all. I had a few nights in my 40s where I woke up drenched with sweat, but no hot flashes during the day. When I stopped the pill, my period never came back, but I started having hot flashes more (no night sweats anymore, but I definitely prefer to sleep in a very cold room). For garden activities, you need good lube. There’s a brand called Wet Platinum silicone lube and it has made all the difference.

      I’m having a little trouble with word-finding, but that also might be from 2+ years of remote work and not going out much. I don’t feel any less sharp than I was premenopause.

    • Anon

      IDK I’m a SEUS Biglaw equity partner and in my city I’ve seen converse, Golden Goose, Supergas, and lots of Vans. I have Tretorns (terry lined, so my feet don’t feel gross). I have yet to see ONs, but if your feet like them, I’m sure it’s fine. These days, maybe everyone notice but it also seems that no one cares.

      • Anon

        Your line up is what I see too. I don’t think it matters, but I’d veer toward the converse, vans, GG look as I think it’s cuter with work outfits. The ones you linked strike me as gym shoes not fashion sneakers.

        • Anon

          +1 to “gym shoes not fashion sneakers”

          The male partners in my firm are even wearing leather sneakers for client meetings these days!

        • Cat

          +1 on this analysis – don’t think the same type of shoe works for actual workouts as making a cute outfit. (Though I think ON’s are cute for workouts!)

          That said…. ymmv on whether anyone in your office GAF :)

    • Anonymous

      I am in the Midwest but was just in DC and I see ONs every day. Law firm partner.

    • Anon

      Those are athletic sneakers. Fine for commuting in, not a look to wear all day though.

    • Anonymous

      I have Cole Haan Zerogrand’s with a similar sole but more dressy upper. Very comfortable! Enough space for an insole!

    • Anon

      I see them a lot for commuting and casual wear in NYC, but if you were wearing them all day in the office and were senior I would assume you were doing so had some sort of foot issue. I don’t think they are work shoes unless you can wear athleisure to work (some people can!).

    • Anon

      I have slip on sneakers from Olukai. Very comfortable, and look business casual instead of fully casual.

    • NYNY

      My take with athletic-style sneakers like these is to play them up instead of trying to go neutral. So I’d go for the red or orange ones as a pop of color, or the black because of the high contrast with the white. The navy is a little bright to be neutral, and the grey looks like you’re trying to make your feet disappear. Go big!

    • Bonnie Kate

      I like them, although may be biased because they look exactly like my trail runners I use for hiking in the summer (same brand).

      They do lean workout sneaker vs lifestyle, but I’d wear them in my very casual business casual workplace. I would only get the black ones though myself.

      Generally I think sneakers look more sporty when the bottom trend is white and the rest of the shoe is a different color. I have a weird thing about contrasting treads though – I don’t love them. I’d rather the entire sneaker be one color. That may be a me thing though.

    • BB

      So it’s been a while since I left MBB, but I agree with the responses that say these are too casual for business casual. Have you looked at the Birdies sneakers? They look kind of like loafers, but with sneaker bottoms – those would totally work with some nice pants. (Or you know, you can do what I did and go work for a tech company instead where I can wear jeans and running shoes all day! ;) )

    • Shelle

      I’ve been a couple times to the NYC and DC locations. Honestly the exhibits are small, especially for the high price. But they somewhat make up for that with very unique and thought provoking concepts. So if you take your time and maybe bring a friend to discuss it, you can get more out of it. If there is an exhibit that seems too interesting to pass up, you might find it worth it.

      • Shelle

        I wanted to add: the website says the exhibit will take you 45 – 60 minutes to get through the whole thing. I’ve found this to be accurate.

    • Anonymous

      Yes! It was honestly so fun. I was expecting it to be a bit of a let down but I had a great time and we took really fun pics.

    • Anon

      I have! I don’t remember how much it cost, but it was cool and we got neat pics.

  13. Cupshe

    I bought a bunch of bathing suits from Cupshe and found some that fit abs are cute except for one thing – the pads in the b00bs. As a lot of reviews on their site have said, the suits come with these weirdly small pads that you can see very obviously in the suit. Has anyone successfully removed abs replaced these pads and, if so, how? They have cute suits that fit (which is hard for me since I’m short!), but the pads make them unwearable so I’m wondering if there’s a hack out there. Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      They are comically small: I always just take them out and try not to think about people seeing my nips. Any chance you have some Lululemon pads lying around? I think those might be a good sub, but I’ve never tried it.

    • The intern

      I don’t know about Cupshe especifically, but if the website says the cups are removable, I’d keep them. I have removed useless cups from bikinis and sports bras before, no problem (they have a small opening between the front fabric and the lining and you just reach inside and pull it out.
      If they are not removable and you would have to rip the seams, don’t. I had it done to a dress and it just didn’t lay properly after.

  14. Anon

    Posting again from yesterday’s slow afternoon thread: Does anyone here work with USDA home loans?

    I’m looking at a house for my 76 year old mother, and we’re not quite ready to talk to a lender, and I just wanted to know if there are any “gotchas” with the loan program to be aware of. For example, I know the inspection and good-repair requirements for VA loans often trip up transactions; and in some markets, VA loans have gotten a bad rap. Are there things like that I need to be aware of re: USDA loans? (I’m a lawyer and I’ve googled, but I don’t have a good feel for USDAs in action.)

    The location is USDA-qualified, my mom meets the income requirements, and the house seems to be USDA “modest.” This house we’re looking at was built in 1958 and has the original kitchen and baths – they’re in good repair but old. We’d very much like to reno the house, and USDA seems open to adding money to the loan for that. One other question – should we consider the direct lending avenue or just go with a guaranteed loan?

    Real world insight appreciated!

    PS – it’s a very rural market, so no concerns about bidding wars or looking competitive.

    • Anony

      I have a “Rural Development” USDA loan – I bought my current house in 2013 in an area that, at the time, was considered “rural”. I worked with a mortgage broker and my mortgage is [now] held by Wells Fargo at a fixed 3.5% interest rate. The only thing that I know of, for sure, that’s different from a standard mortgage is that I have to hold “Hazard Insurance” (that’s what the line item on my mortgage statement says). It’s $381 per year. I believe I also had to have Mortgage Insurance for a few years.

      Okay, I just dug out my mortgage folder and on my ‘estimated cash to close worksheet’ it mentions a “Rural Guarantee Fee” for $1919. I also have different ‘USDA Fixed’ worksheets for different loan amounts – one for the full amount with no down payments and one worksheet with a $15k down payment. Hopefully that answers your question on adding money to the loan.

      Beyond that, I have no recollection of the USDA loan being any sort of pain. My mortgage broker may have dealt with things that I’m not remembering or maybe didn’t know about at the time. But I’d say go for it! It worked out really well for me – HTH =)

  15. banonona

    Any other sweater blazers that folks really like? It looks like lots previously recommended have sold out…thanks!

    • Anonymous

      The Sophie Sweater from J Crew is my favorite and there are always a ton on poshmark. They run big.

    • Anonymous

      The ones from J Crew factory are great. Alas, I have all the colors still available in my size so need to find a new vendor myself.

    • Anon

      I really like the merino wool ones Talbots does in the fall. My favorite has a band at the waist. Gives good shaping even when worn open.

  16. Anon

    If you wanted to take the NY Waterway Ferry into NYC from Weehawken (b/c you have a Hamilton Problem), where is the best place to take it to in NYC? Javits Center seems to be hard to get to the rest of NYC from (e.g., if you are going to museums, etc.) — IIRC it doesn’t connect well to transit and can be hard to get a cab from. Does it go other places? Have not been back to NYC since late 2019 and am trying to stay out of subways / in fresh air if possible, but have taken the PATH before (but then you have to get from Weehawken to Hoboken).

    • Anonymous

      Check the ferry website. On a weekend midtown is your only option. Weekday you can take it to Brookfield place or walk st. If you don’t insist on weehawken take it from jersey city or Hoboken to Brookfield place.

      • Anonymous

        this is an extremely ghetto walk. do not recommend if you are not in shape/prepared to see needles and active drug use and/or to run as needed.

    • AIMS

      Not sure where you want to end up but if you’re thinking of museums along museum mile, none of the ferries will be too convenient without walking a lot.
      If you can get to Pier 11 that’s easier – you can take the ferry uptown from there & for example get off at E 90th and go to the Guggenheim (about a mile walk to 5th avenue though) or walk down from there to the Met. You can also get off at 34th street and go to the Morgan Museum & Library or make your way from there to MOMA. Honestly though I would just take the subway. It’s FINE, I take it daily. Buses are another option but slower. If you’re really uncomfortable, take a cab.

  17. Anonymous

    I need a recommendation for shapewear. I have yet to lose baby weight (even though the baby is 14 months old … don’t judge me!) and I still have a tummy that looks about 3-4 months pregnant in certain clothes. I have a few dresses that I want to wear but won’t because they just accentuate that belly a little too much.

    Does anyone have advice on some shapewear that effectively keeps the tummy in? I see all these ads and stuff, but I never know if stuff really works. So if someone has some advice, I’d really appreciate it!!

    If anyone has any other advice for clothing or styles that are comfortable and slimming, I’d appreciate it. I’m normally a size 12, but currently need a size 16. And while I will lose the weight at some point, I’m just not ready to right now. I just want to feel comfortable right now in my appearance.

    • PolyD

      Target sells a version of Spanx called Assets. I like the shorts – they are basically the only ones I’ve found where the legs don’t roll up, they are 90+% cotton + Spandex, so not too sweaty. They hold you in, but aren’t painful. I’m kind of in the middle of the size range and I go up a side so I get a nice smoothing effect, but it’s not like I’m cutting off my circulation.

    • Curious

      No shapewear recs but: You made a human! Why would we judge? Also, I really liked the programs from Our Fit Family Life for inner core repair postpartum. They are easy enough that I could do them during most of chemo and made a big difference to posture and pain.

    • Mouse

      I’ve found the Spanx Thinstincts shorts to be really comfortable. They do not have hardcore compression, though, if that’s what you’re looking for. More general smoothing with some tummy control.

    • Anon

      Buy clothes that flatter and fit you instead of punishing yourself with shapewear.

      • Anon

        I find that the right shapewear is more comfortable than not wearing shapewear at all.

    • anon

      I have a twin tummy that I doubt will ever be truly gone. Whenever I buy something “slimming” I want to say F it and cut myself out of it after about 30 minutes because I find it so uncomfortable. I like jackets to give my outfits a little belly forgiveness–it eliminates the side profile where I feel like I look the most pregnant. Blazers or a jean jacket. For warm weather, a plain tank underneath, with a slightly looser hip-length tank in a nicer fabric over.

    • Anon

      I find a lot of shapewear (especially cheaper shapewear) is just smoothing. I wear shapewear for blood pooling, so I need compression and not just smoothing. My most hardcore shapewear is Rago. My gentlest is high compression TLC Sport leggings (which are actual pants so not helpful for wearing under clothes, but so soft and comfortable). I’m still looking for something in between (maybe something like “firm control” nylons but without the hose??).

  18. Anon

    Does anyone have good sources of midi dresses that come in petite? I’m really short-waisted and everything lately is fitting like drop-waist sailor dresses (but in rufflepuff flavor).

  19. PM Anon

    Paging any product management or tech ‘rettes for some career advice:

    I’m heading back to a previous company to work for an old mentor. He has two roles available for me to interview for, and is leaving it up to me which one I want. I’m in my late 20s with 5 YOE and both roles are the same level/salary. Currently I am a PM at an early stage start up.

    Role A: Senior PM of a single internal sales support product with a direct report (I’ve never managed anyone but really want to). Very straightforward role–major mandate would be scaling the product globally and enhancing the existing simple UI. I did a similar role at a lower level when I was at the company before, so I have established relationships with many of the business users. At my current skill level, I think this role would be a lay up to do well in. The major con is that it doesn’t have a clear path to senior leadership (Director of Product or similar role) within the company and feels like more of the same as I’m doing now.

    Role B: Senior PM working on overall product strategy within the product group. I wouldn’t have a dedicated squad but would work with the other single-product PMs to spec and build important features or features involving integration between products. This role would work really closely with the Director of PM/my mentor. Con is that the role is ambiguous and will be more strategy focused rather than day to day in with the engineering teams, which is work that I do really like. No direct report either, which is a bummer. Big pro is that is has a clearer shot to a Director of PM role within 3-5 years as it is the natural backfill for the Director of PM role once the existing one leaves or switches jobs (very common in this company to switch roles every few years).

    I’d be happy in either but trying to assess what’s best for my career long term. Any advice?

    • Anon

      Sounds exciting. It sounds like you’re more excited for the second role. Do you have a good feel for the outlook of the company in general? Do you think it’s likely that in a certain time frame the second role could have direct reports if sales expands? I work within Product Management of a sales company that’s been growing quite a bit of the last several years. Usually if an area of the portfolio is gaining market share and the business case is there to justify additional resources. It’s not too hard to push the company to add head count. But it’s also understandable if the second role is for a fairly mature product line and would not naturally lead to needing more support that is present today.

    • Jolene

      Have you asked your mentor about advancement opportunities and which job would be better for that? I ask because you seem to think B has better prospects, but in many cases, “management experience” is required to move up, so having a direct report in Role A would be a big advantage.

    • NYNY

      Role B sounds more challenging and has more advancement opportunities. In project management, you are regularly accountable for the work of people who do not report to you, so having direct reports is less important in your career progression than it would be in other areas. I say go for B.

    • Anonymous

      Product Manager here for 20 yrs.

      Role B will be better for your career prospects by a long shot as long as you are in a place you can succeed at the role. Strategy roles/dealing with the ambiguity is a huge requirement to move into exec roles. Your success will heavily depend on your ability to build relationships with stakeholders.

    • Anonymous

      Just a quick note to think outside your company with any planning for “future.” So even though that may be the advancement path there, is either role or experience more valued at other places? Will the lack of supervising someone hold you back from other jobs elsewhere?I am in a different field and have usually had at least one report, but it’s shocking how many folks make it a requirement on applications when it really shouldn’t be. The other things I often think about when weighing a move: Will either give you experience with software or other tech tools or training to support certifications that might be more broadly in use (and thus valued) elsewhere? Will you come away with more measurable metrics of success and/or better work product samples in one role vs another? Is one type of project experience more likely to be marketable or in-demand across different industries than another?

  20. Anon

    I have a colleague who is very long-winded and tends to state, and restate, the obvious. I am not this person’s manager, and my interactions with this person are oftentimes in a group setting. Based on the body language and behind-employee’s-back comments, I know I am not the only one annoyed. Any tips or tricks from the wise hive on how to professionally limit this person’s monologues?

    • Anonymous

      Idk if I posted about it here, but a friend told me that her manager does this on purpose to shut down disagreement. He cheerfully re-explains the same thing over and over until you just give up. She and I have started to use this tactic, usually with annoying relatives, and it is so so satisfying. If you think he’s doing it on purpose then you probably want to address it with him or his manager. If it’s just a personality quirk then something like, “thanks, Bill, let’s move on to the next point” might be kinder and more effective. I have a feeling this could be neurodivergence related, so you’ll want to tread carefully or you might unintentionally step into some ADA issue.

      • Anon

        “Let people waste company time because protected brain chemistry” is one of the weirder takes I’ve seen here.

        • Clarity

          That’s quite a creative interpretation of the comment, but I think it’s clear the commenter meant something more along the lines of “Don’t offer unsolicited personal feedback to someone unless you’re managing them.” (This is good advice regardless of whether someone is neurodivergent or not, btw. It’s not really ever appropriate to give your input on personality quirks to a coworker unless you’re asked for it. )

          But specifically to this situation, anything that is often a symptom of a disability needs to be addressed very tactfully. It’s almost impossible for the original commenter to do that just by virtue of being “not his manager” and therefore never being able to know the entirety of what’s going on with the coworker.

      • Anonymous

        Unless you are senior to this person, if you interrupt or give a “thanks, next point” you are going to be the one to come across like can’t read the room in this scenario. That’s why it’s so awful (and yes, I’ve seen it used as a power move to shut out any other ideas or monopolize the discussion. Your better bet is to raise your hand slightly if you can and begin talking at even the slightest breath, acknowledge the point and then give a “hey–I know we need to watch time, I’d like to know how we’ll handle Y (next topic) while making eye contact with someone else or even calling the person by name who is likely to move things along. Raising the hand will sometimes trigger someone else to interrupt (interrupting is far less rude if it’s on behalf of someone else).

        Stupid, yes, but it works.

    • Cat

      the meeting organizer is the one that should say “thanks Jane, we agree!” and move to the next point. if they don’t, you do nothing.

    • anonshmanon

      pure commiseration. Having just spent an evening derailed by an overtalker. The hilarious thing was that the topic she couldn’t stop going on about, was another coworker who is a valuable SME. Overtalker was ranting that that SME’s tone and delivery might be detrimental to getting her point across and the whole time I was thinking ‘takes one to know one!’.

      • Bonnie Kate

        If my mother wasn’t retired I would assume they were talking about her.

        Truly I don’t think there is anything that can stop my mother from telling a story, in length with many details, once she has decided to tell it. Even if the conversation has moved on, she circles back. You may have heard it – you may have BEEN THERE – and you may remind her of it – and she will still have to tell the story. It is literally painful for her to not.

        After 34 years I generally have just surrendered.

    • Anon

      Smile, cut him off, and say, “Brian, we’re all on board with the new llama grooming protocol. The question for you is….” or “…but Sally has an update on the supply chain issues.”

    • Anon

      Some people only think aloud. It sounds like these meetings aren’t well moderated.

  21. Anonymous

    So when I have to do something that will be stressful at work, like a presentation, I try to work on it but I can’t concentrate. It’s not procrastination exactly. I block my calendar and do try to work on it but I find my anxiety keeps me from concentrating properly so I make very slow progress. I go in circles as if my logic has left me. Does anyone else have this? If you did how did you get around it. Thanks!

    • Anon

      Following. Sadly the only way I have been able to do this is by deliberately giving myself compressed timelines to increase due date pressure. I.e. make sure there is not enough time to anxiouy procrastinate.

      I ended burned out though :( So – following…

    • Anon

      I have been like this for most of my life. I don’t know what it is but something with a far away deadline + an area of work I don’t really enjoy is almost impossible for me to work on. I am a last-minute scrambler through and through.

    • Anon

      I give myself permission to make a okayish draft because the purpose to get the process going, not to make the perfect presentation. I do this as early as possible. I start with whatever outline I can come up with, word vomit it totally okay. I usually have a much easier time after this first step because having something to edit/fix/improve makes my brain relaxes quite a bit and I also trick myself into continuing to be productive because my brain says “look, you already did a bunch, keep going.”

    • Anon

      Not cute, and if you have to ask, it’s not the right article of clothing for you.

    • AIMS

      I don’t hate it. But I think this depends on you bit? I have some friends who would look very cute in something like that and some who would look frumpy. I think you need to assess the rest of your style. This is the kind of thing that a good haircut, a cool tattoo or several, or some funky jewelry can change the vibe dramatically.

      • Cat

        +1, on me it would look like a 50yo sofa that’s covered in plastic to protect the fabric, on someone young and edgy it could read fresh & cool. Know thyself.

    • anonshmanon

      ooh, I love it! I see that it comes in a lot of other pieces, besides a romper (I am not that fashion forward).

    • Anon

      I’m 57 and would feel old as the hills in this print. But my 21 year old daughter loves old fashioned prints like this and looks adorable in them.

      This is the same as the giant white sneakers trend. On me, straight up retirement village. On her, trendy and cute.

  23. Anon

    Now that I’m back at the office, I’d like to look a little more polished. I slowly started getting more into fashion, makeup and hair during the pandemic but I’m still not great at any of them. I look fine, but would like to look great but without a ton of extra effort (I’ll never be someone with a 30 min makeup routine!). I guess I’m best described as vain but low maintenance. My nails are always painted and I always wear earrings but would like to look a little more put together .

    Late 20s, in a big east coast city.

    • Cat

      prioritize what makeup gives you the biggest impact! For me, if I have only 3 mins, it’s concealer, brows, mascara, and blush, which turn me from “gee you look tired?” into “functioning adult.” Give me 5 mins and I add a base of tinted moisturizer. Give me 7 and I add upper eyeliner and a single shadow. Give me 10 (aka special attention, def not everyday) and it’s two eyeshadow colors, a highlighter, and lip.

      • Anon

        Yes! Tinted moisturizer applied with my fingers, brows, mascara takes me about 3 minutes and makes me feel like a real adult ready for the day. I also LOVE tubing mascara (L’Oreal is honestly better than the expensive ones) because it comes off with plain water and doesn’t leave smudges under your eyes.

        Also the hair cut and color can take you a long way in terms of looking polished. I pay big bucks for my amazing hairdresser and having balayage and a good cut makes me look and feel awesome. I literally only go like 2-3 times a year but have gotten compliments on how good by highlights look when they’re six months grown out.

      • AIM

        +1. Fellow vain but low maintenance person here. I do BB cream, cream blush, cream eyeshadow, mascara & Dior Glow lipstick most days. All looks natural and because it’s all creamy it’s pretty easy to blend quickly. Maybe 5 minutes start to finish. Some days I just do the lipstick and it works too (i also decided that as a vain but low maintenance person I should get more frequent facials to have my skin look better with less daily effort). For hair, I try to have a go to hairstyle for work that just looks neat – I was pinning it on the side and pulling it back into a low bun all winter but just got a haircut so will see about wearing it loose.

        I also find button down shirts to be helpful! We’ve been more casual since the pandemic but something about a button down just feels “professional“ for me. I’ve been wearing mine with jeans & it’s both comfy and somehow feels put together. My go-tos were silk but now I am looking for slightly oversize crisp cotton ones in stripe prints.

        • Anon

          Which cream blush and eyeshadow do you use? I’ve been wanting to try the cream versions but haven’t known where to start.

          • Anon

            Not AIMS but I like the Bobbi brown shadow sticks (golden pink and golden bronze) and the pot rouge (fresh melon is my fave)

          • Cat

            I like the Laura Mercier caviar sticks for eyeshadow. That stuff stays put but comes off easily with regular makeup remover.

          • AIMS

            For eyeshadow, I do Charlotte Tilbury Eyes To Mesmerize Cream Eyeshadow in some fairly neutral for me shade – it just gives my eyes a little sparkle and color. For blush, I have done different ones. My favorite got discontinued. I currently have MILK Lip + Cheek Cream Blush Stick which looks nice but has no staying power, and i am looking at trying something.

    • Nina

      You sound a lot like me, and I think I’ve succeeded in looking more polished.

      Get a good hair cut that is easy to air dry or whatever it is.

      Good for you for keeping your nails painted, I’ve tried and that is the one thing I can’t get the hang of.

      Wearing earrings definitely helps. I didn’t fore the longest time but have now realized that two things that “bring color” to your face are earrings and lipstick. So my makeup is always just concealer, mascara, and a bright lipstick. I like to think its a signature look. I also have some earrings and a watch that I wear every day.

      Make sure your clothes fit well. If they don’t fit well throw them out or donate, or at lest put that away so they’re not an option.

      • AIMS

        For nails I just started keeping mine short and doing a clear coat. It looks nice and requires minimal effort or upkeep (I do it once a week while watching whatever show is on HBO/PBS on Sundays)

    • Ribena

      Also vain but low maintenance. My ‘top bang for my buck’ appearance wise is tinted moisturiser, filling in my eyebrows with a pencil, mascara, and a French braid. I think the French braid reads as ‘high effort’, even though it’s just the best way of just getting my hair tidy and out of my face all day. And slathering moisturiser on at night!

    • Anon

      I shifted from purely low maintenance to vain and low maintenance during the pandemic, so I relate to this.

      My current look is eyelash extensions, lipstick, brow powder, concealer, and a finishing powder for the face. I get extensions every two to three weeks, and the makeup takes 3 minutes.

    • Anon

      The biggest impact for me has been whitening my teeth. I just use Crest White Strips and they work great.

    • Anon

      Makeup:
      Tinted moisturizer with SPF – I like NARS
      some kind of chubby pencil around eyes
      Brow gel
      Cream blush
      Mascara

      That’s like a 10 minute or less deal, depending on how fast I’m going in the morning.

      I like lip stuff but apply after I get where I’m going due to masking.

    • anon

      Get your brows microbladed. With that done, you really don’t need much makeup – maybe some blush or glow drops (assuming you have relatively clear skin).

    • Anon

      I’m very low maintenance and was a late adopter of the one-step hairbrush and blowdryer combos. Mine is from Amika and is a game-changer.

      Otherwise, as mentioned above, tinted moisturiser/BB cream, mascara, blush, and lipstick go a long way towards polish. Add jewelry (necklace and earrings).

  24. anon

    Need recommendations on cord/charger storage for purse/tote….would like durable nylon. Not too small and not too big…a couple of chargers, phone cords, that sort of thing.

  25. Anon

    Update on the Modelones gel nail polish kit I got from Amazon:

    I was stuck at home sick this weekend and had enough free time to give myself a pedicure, which was badly needed as I basically do nothing to my feet between October and March. I had used a Sally Hansen gel polish kit before, so this wasn’t my first rodeo with at-home gel. The Modelones kit I got has a light that’s very conducive to putting your foot underneath it and I got a nice selection of colors (I chose a kit that had a lot of reds and blues). The kit also came with some not-that-great cheapy pedicure tools (fortunately I have my own set of Tweezerman tools and Japonesque files) and some fun accents like jewels and stickers, which I likely won’t end up using unless one day I get really bored.

    The polish is a good consistency – not too goopy. I did base coat, cure; two color coats, cure between each coat; and the top coat, cure. Each coat needed 60 seconds to cure (the instructions say 30-60 but 30 seconds was too short). I could tell as soon as I got the pedicure done that the polish would last a good long while, which is great for me. I actually love it if I only have to change my toenail polish maybe every 3-4 weeks in the summer, I am not one of those “gotta change the polish every week” kind of people.

    I also got a Modelones dip powder kit but I haven’t used dip powder before, and in my cold-medicine-induced haze I didn’t want to attempt it. I did end up putting some gel on my fingernails – just base and topcoat – and that would have worked out better had I not done that on the same couch where one of my dogs had been shedding; I have little hairs on a couple of my nails. I’ll take off the polish in a week or so and it’ll be fine.

    Anyway – if you like having polished toes/fingers but don’t like going to the salon to get your nails done (I always wince at the expense; plus a few years ago I got a fungal infection from a very expensive, chi-chi, high-end nail salon, so I have trepidation about even the cleanest of salons) I recommend the kit. They have lots and lots of color choices for polishes and you can also get polish-only kits once you have the light and the base and top coats.

  26. Anne-on

    Recommendations on best places to go to try on a bunch of jeans? I am trying to find a more modern ‘mom’ jean for spring/summer and realize I need to bite the bullet and just go try on a bunch. My current skinny jeans are mostly from Madewell with the AG Farrah’s in black being my ‘dressy’ jeans. I wear between a 26-27 but I’m on the shorter side so rises/lengths can be tricky. Go to Bloomingdales? Nordstrom? Others? If anyone has specific brands that they’ve recently tried and liked I’m all ears.

    • AIMS

      I was going to say Madewell! i did this recently there and walked away very happy with the vintage perfect straight that I think fits what you’re looking for.

    • Auburn

      I have the opposite problem – very tall – and have found that Madewell has the best jeans for my body type. But I think they generally have really inclusive sizing! I also finally accepted the trend of wider-legged denim and got a couple new pairs from Madewell. Biggest tip would be to size down – their jeans tend to have a lot of stretch.

    • Anonymous

      A boutique that specializes in denim, if one exists near you. I have always found a much wider range of styles and more in-stock sizes at these stores than in department stores. Boutiques in college towns are also good for denim.

      If a boutique is not an option, I’d go to a mall with the biggest Nordstrom, Bloomingdales, and/or Saks that you can find. Preferably all three.

  27. Mallory McMorrow

    If you haven’t watched her video yet, do it. It’s well worth the ~4 minutes.

    • anon

      It is seriously really good. I tend to fall into the moderate camp in American politics, so I suspect that she and I aren’t completely aligned as to our policy preferences, but hearing someone cut through the political rhetoric, the convenient lies and half-truths, and the dehumanizing language was powerful. What the other state senator did to her is symptomatic of a particular sickness in American politics – the idea that there is no depth to which you cannot sink, no accusation you cannot hurl, at people who disagree with you politically – and hearing someone call it out with specific reference to how it impacts the target matters.

      I would have been interested to hear how the other senator responded, if at all.

      • Anon

        I’m sure it was something along the lines of “hurr hurr hurr smart liberal elites bad, real ‘muricans good, too many big words, TLDR. MAGA!”

    • anon

      Dang. She is on fire! That was really inspiring. Thanks for recommending this.

  28. Mouse

    Has anyone here had weight gain with Nexplanon? Recently reevaluating some weight gain and a doctor mentioned birth control implants having this side effect, but up to this point everything I read seemed to say it was fairly rare.

  29. Whiner?

    Is two months long enough to decide I don’t like a new job? I’ve been really unhappy with it since I started. Part of it is probably that i am not comfortable yet with what I am doing – I am used to feeling competent, and I’m not yet here.

    But also, the office is incredibly chaotic – everyone is way too busy and it’s been really difficult to get anyone to help me become competent at what I’m doing or even get the basic tools I need to perform the work (computer mouse, etc.) They’ve overlooked basic and important tasks like getting me benefits forms. It’s a small company so I know some of this is just the way it goes, but this seems extreme and it’s stressing me out.

    Also, no one even invited me to lunch on my first day (or ever) which I know isn’t a big deal, but it’s kind of symbolic of how everything has gone so far. There have also been multiple incidents where the people I work for and with have been incredibly thoughtless and on a couple occasions, borderline rude to me. They are nice most of the time and I think they’re just too busy – but it’s hard not to take it personally.

    Should I tough it out a little bit longer? I have a very solid work history and I don’t think anyone will see me as a job-hopper. But I feel like a whiner.

    • Anon

      I went through this recently and decided to leave. The thought process I went through was what was temporary and would change (me being new, knowing their processes, etc.) and what would not change – culture, the way people treated each other. Maybe there are other factors for you. There has really been no better time for taking a Mulligan, so if you’re truly unhappy, I give you permission to look elsewhere.

    • Anon

      I think you’re better off leaving now than in a year or so – if you cut after 2-3 months, it’s obviously the job and not you.

    • Anon

      I was in a job with a vibe very similar to what you’re describing that I noticed from Day 1, and in my case, it did not get better; it got worse. I found out later that a lot of people left within 3 months of joining the company and so a lot of the initial standoffishness was because people didn’t want to “bother” getting to know me if I was just going to leave (which creates a self-reinforcing cycle, IMO, but anyway). There was also a “I’m out to get mine and if you get yours, that takes away from what I can have” ethic that meant people did not help each other, and no one was interested in helping new people learn, because then those people became competition. It took me awhile to figure it out, but it wasn’t just that people were busy: rudeness and backbiting was common and completely tolerated; people were pitted against each other and saw any small achievement from others as detracting from their own success; and there was a general “swim with the sharks or be chum” mentality that literally chewed people up and spit them out (the turnover rate for highly-experienced professionals with excellent credentials and years of experience was appalling). It was absolutely sink-or-swim in that organization: either you figured out how to get the resources you needed, play the correct politics, and CYA at all times, or you drowned – sometimes because people would cheerfully hold your head under the water. I ended up staying for four years because I was in a position where I got to do (what I considered to be) important work. I also made a couple of good friends who had themselves been befriended/mentored by people and were trying to pay it forward; they eventually left before I did. I learned a lot in that job and the compensation was great; I also got the opportunity to do a lot of continuing education which has helped me considerably in my career. But going to work every day was like rubbing my skin with sandpaper – at first you think, this is tolerable, and then eventually you start bleeding. The rudeness, hostility, bullying, and toxicity wore me down, even when I was not the target of it. I took a pay cut to go to work for a different company in a less-exciting job, but the fact that I get up every day and get on meetings and people are nice to each other and outright blunt rudeness isn’t tolerated is a huge relief.

      Saying all that to say, you really need to consider if what you’re going to get out of this experience is worth what you’re going to put up with. It was worth it for me, for the four years, but I would never have made it to 5, or beyond. If this is something you can do for a couple of years and it will launch you into a better situation, it could be worth staying. Otherwise, I strongly recommend you go with your gut and start looking for something else (or to go back to your old job). Since I left my old company, I have run into people who are amazed I made it there for four years because they threw in the towel after 3 months, or six months, or a year. If this is your first short-term job in awhile, it will be explainable. Good luck.

    • Anonymous

      This sounds like the boutique firm I just left after 4 months and I am so happy I did. I disliked how disorganized the place was from my first day and it just never got better. I had friends who thought I should stay and that I was probably damaging my career, but I was so unhappy and I really like my structured, organized, traditional law firm so much more.

    • Anon

      Get out. It sounds objective like a bad place. It won’t get better, so leave sooner instead of later.

  30. Eye protection for flights?

    We’re traveling overseas in the next 2 months, and I’m looking for extra eye protection for myself and my 6 yr old kid during the flight. Any recs for goggles for adults and/or children?
    We already have Flo mask for kid and Envo mask for adults.

    Also: Please refrain from commenting on whether you think this extra protection is needed or not, whether we are Covid-fearmongers etc. Trust that I have a reason to post.

    • Cat

      I would just wear a face shield over a mask if you are concerned about getting sneezed on etc.

      • Cat

        oh also, if it’s an overnight flight, don’t forget you’ll already be wearing eye masks to sleep, right?

        • Anon

          Is this really a thing? I’ve taken a lot of red eyes and have never considered wearing an eye mask. I think I’d be anxious not being able to see while in a public place and light is pretty far down the list of things keeping me from sleeping on a plane.

          • Anon

            I regularly sleep with an eye-mask home – to the point it’s like a binkie for me and I can’t sleep without it – so yep, it travels with me and goes on red-eyes with me.

          • NYCer

            Eye masks are very, very common on red eye flights. I never wear them at home, but almost always wear them on planes if I am trying to sleep.

          • Cat

            I mean they literally hand them out on many tr-nsatlantic flights for this exact purpose. My favorite is Lufthansa’s from years ago as the cotton was actually nice feeling!

          • Anon

            I don’t wear eye masks on red-eyes but lots of people do. It wouldn’t look weird at all. Not that looking weird matters.

          • Anon

            Absolutely a thing! Definitely a game changer for sleeping on long flights. Get the ones with molded cups that look like little bras. Way more comfy than just the flat, fabric ones.

          • Anon

            Interesting, I’m just genuinely surprised so many people seem to think they help. I’m usually way too uncomfortable on planes to get any real sleep (short legs that don’t comfortably reach the ground and my head hits the headrests too low so I always end up with a lot of neck pain, especially if I use a neck pillow to try to keep my head from jerking around, which also wakes me up constantly), but maybe it helps mentally to feel like you’re ready to sleep? I still think it would make me anxious, but maybe I’ll try one next time I take a red eye.

    • Anonymous

      Would blue light glasses provide enough protection, or do you need wraparound coverage?

    • Anon

      I’ve always throught glasses provide decent protection. You can get clear lenses if you don’t need vision correction.

      • Anon

        This- it’s not as good as a face shield or full on goggles, but much more comfortable for an extended time. You could also get something like basic lab safety glasses that are wrap around but not goggles. Decent ones are pretty cheap (<$10) and easier to find in different sizes (I always buy the women's ones, which fit me much better than the generic ones).

    • Anonymous

      I have extremely dry eyes and use Ziena dry eye glasses (not posting link to avoid mod). They are great for that purpose, albeit expensive, and have the added benefit of helping protect against COVID. If you google them it looks like a number of cheaper alternatives pop up.

  31. moving again

    I’m caught in a tough moving decision and am hoping to seek the wisdom of you all.

    I moved from the East Coast city A to West Coast 2 years ago for a great job opportunity (better firm, better pay, better advancement opportunities), dragging my fiance along with me in the process. He’s a biglaw associate who switched offices within the same firm/practice group. The move did not require him to take a step back in his career, but he preferred our prior city. While both of us liked our old city much more, we have settled in here well, both work and life-wise.

    Now he has an in house opportunity that he would like to pursue. It’s a pay cut, but better hours and better lifestyle. He’s ok with doing biglaw for longer but would strongly prefer this new job. The opportunity is in a suburb/small city in New England, which both of us have ties to, but which he likes much more than I do. I can’t move to the small city, but next year my team is opening an office in a large East Coast city B that is a 3 hour commute away. We would likely split residences during the week and commute to see each other on the weekends. The hope is after he establishes himself, he will be able to do M-W in office and commute to my city the rest of the week.

    The wrinkle is that my team (~10 people) will still mostly be based in current West Coast city and I may be the only person moving along to East Coast city B with my boss, who plans to split his time between coasts. I worry that I will be stranded as the only person on the East Coast, while hating my life bc I’m now doing commuting distance with my fiance. My job security is very much premised on performance, so I also worry about my performance taking a hit.

    Other relevant factors… I don’t want to switch jobs for now and think it would be hard to get a better opportunity than the one I currently have. I have significantly higher earnings potential–I currently out-earn my fiance’s biglaw comp and longer term earnings potential is multiples of his. We’re both late twenties, not thinking about having kids yet, but will start thinking about it in the next 5 years, so need to move back to same location within that time frame. Longer term we may think about moving back to East Coast city A or living in between city A and his job location, but that’s up in the air. He’s ok with staying in biglaw if I think this is too big of a career hit for me, but he will be disappointed.

    What would you do? Any areas I should think more about in making my decision?

    • Anonymous

      The way this typically works in the long term is that the couple prioritizes living together, then trades off whose career takes priority at different points. You live in the place that’s best for the primary career, and the trailing spouse either finds whatever job they can in the same place or works remotely. Which career is primary may shift over time.

    • Cat

      Is there a third option you haven’t considered, like you work in person on West Coast for one week and then live with your fiance for two weeks and fly back? What pattern is your boss planning on and maybe you could partially mirror that?

      Like – if you’re going to be splitting residences for a few years even if you both move East, why not have your “split” stay West?

    • Anon

      He needs to find a different in-house job. He’s in his late twenties, so there’s plenty of time to do that. Make a list *together* of acceptable cities to both of you and he can apply to any in-house job there.

    • Anon

      I’m toward the end of my career and I did what I could to keep us in the same spot so that my kids were able to grow up in the same city, same school district, same friend group for life. I commuted cross continent for many years to make it happen. I’m the higher earning half of the couple (by far) and it was a sacrifice I was willing to make for my kids.

      To be honest, if we hadn’t had kids, I don’t think I would have done it just for my husband. I would have expected him to move. I love him and we have a good marriage, but I expect adults to have a higher level understanding and adaptability.

      I’m glad you and your partner are talking about this. I have to think if your roles were reversed, a man with a higher paying job with more future potential would just say this is where we’re living, period.

      I don’t have the answer for you but there is nothing wrong with thinking your priorities as a couple should be the bigger career, and that happens to be yours.

      • Senior Attorney

        I tend to agree. Reverse the roles and I can’t imagine a man leaving a great job like yours so his wife can take a paycut for better hours and better lifestyle in a city the higher-earning man isn’t crazy about.

      • NYCer

        I agree. Can your fiancé look for in house jobs in your current west coast city? Big law associates go in house all the time…the job in the small NE city can’t possibly be the only in house job he could get (especially since it is a pay cut).

    • Anonymous

      Break up. Both of you care more about your jobs than each other which is totally fine but then you shouldn’t be together.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t know….my husband and I don’t currently live in the same state due to our jobs. We are in the process of moving to the same state but will still be two hours apart since he can’t control where they send him (military) and the place he is being stationed doesn’t have jobs in my field. So we decided to buy a house where I will be working and he will drive down every weekend. We love each other and also realize that both of our job happiness is important. Many people asked why I didn’t just move to where he was previously stationed but that would have meant either getting a job outside my field or not working at all in a place we knew we didn’t want to be long term and I am also the breadwinner. So we made the choice to stay apart so I could be somewhere I loved, in a job I love, knowing that this was temporary and once he retires we will have way more freedom.
        Now we will be moving to a state that has weather we love, tons of things for us to do (unlike his previous station) and we are both going to jobs that make us very satisfied.
        I know my situation is a bit different since he doesn’t get a choice where he goes, but some people have said we must not love each other if we don’t want to live together and throw away our careers. We also don’t have children and both our jobs require a decent amount of travel anyways so we are used to the time apart, but to each their own.

      • Anon

        There’s no reason to think they don’t prioritize each other. Two demanding careers are hard to juggle. OP doesn’t need you opening this can of worms.

      • Anon

        I don’t think so and I read this as an overly simplistic take on a thorny problem. Very very high earners are always going to face these issues and need to work through them thoughtfully.

        A knee jerk reaction to How Dare A Woman Prioritize Her Career is straight out of fox news and doesn’t belong here.

    • Anon

      Your career is the lead career. He bends his to match yours. My husband’s career comes with a cushy government pension – I bend my career to my husband’s because the government pension that will provide for both of us ’til we both die takes priority. You say you like your job and can earn multiples of his job – if financial security and advancement are joint priorities, then he needs to look for better opportunities where you are.

      • Anon

        Right. I think this is actually fairly simple: she has the more promising, more lucrative career and thus she has the “lead” right now and he needs to follow her lead. It cannot be impossible for him to find an in-house opportunity that is either in the city where she needs to be for her career progression not to take a hit, or that is fully remote. If he isn’t willing to do that, then she needs to let him do what he’s gonna do and live her life, even if that means they split up. I don’t believe this is a situation where they don’t prioritize each other, but believe it may be a situation where somehow, someway, the fiance is expecting her to compromise her (awesome) career because she’s the girl. Hell naw. OP, while I am normally 100% in favor of couples finding compromises, I don’t think it’s on you to contort yourself to find the compromise here. If he’s okay with staying in BigLaw for the moment but will be “disappointed” about turning down the in-house offer – well, we all have to learn to live with a little bit of disappointment in our lives, don’t we? I would tell him you’re not moving, let the new office open up, see how things shake out, and maybe revisit in a year or so. My husband and I have traded “whose career is in the lead” a few times in our 20+ year marriage but at no point in time did one of us tell the other person “put your career in jeopardy so I can do this opportunity that I think is cool but not nearly as lucrative as what you’re doing.” That’s not how smart, savvy adults manage their lives.

    • Anonymous

      Can he look for other in house opportunities on the west coast? I don’t think you should move and also commute. The three hour time zone difference may also wear on you over time, when working with your core team remotely.

    • Jolene

      He’s being dumb, sorry. As a BigLaw associate, if he’s half decent, he can get an in-house gig in plenty of major cities. He doesn’t need to move to a random remote suburb that is terrible for your career. This opportunity is a “pass” and he should apply to companies with locations in professional hubs where both of you can have thriving careers.

    • Lisa

      I agree. It sounds like you’d be making a huge sacrifice for him and you are justifiably worried about the effects it would have on your career. I think often the person in a relationship who is more comfortable asking for things / sitting firm in what they want without anxiety around it is the one to get their way. In straight relationships, this person tends to be the man.

      There are many in-house jobs on the West Coast and you sacrificing a large amount for a position that pays less well so your husband can live in a city he loves with more free-time seems a bit like bending over backwards to me. Honestly, him staying in the West Coast and finding a different in-house role seems like way less of a sacrifice on him than you’d be making, and ultimately more financially sound for both of you.

      Something I’ve learned is that setting boundaries is necessary for and kind to both to yourself AND to your partner. If you were to make the choice to move, and wound up hating the city and taking a career hit, that is going to be a huge obstacle to get over in terms of resentment directed at your fiance. If your finance is a good guy, I think he’d actively want you to take care of your own interests / communicate your own needs so you don’t make a decision you’d later resent him for.

      Echoing what other’s have said: I can’t imagine a man who is the higher-earner bending over backwards to this extent and potentially compromising his own career to accommodate his wife’s desire to live in a city she loves at a commuter’s distance from him.

    • Anon

      Why don’t you both start looking for jobs in City A, since it sounds like you’d both prefer living there?

      I gave up the dream job to move back to my home city near friends and family and I’ve never been happier.

    • Anonymous

      You are old enough and you have been together long enough that you should be planning to be in the same place. Solving your issues by living apart to varying extents is not going to work long term and I think you need to sort through these issues now. I would first to have a conversation about where you want to live long term, and then have a conversation about how you are going to get there and by when and what that means for your respective careers.

      That being said, I’ll offer that it seems like you are both over complicating things a bit. For him, I don’t understand why he can’t get an in house gig in your current city, assuming you live in a major city in CA. It’s not a ‘stay in big law or move” decision. I might be reading into this but it sounds like he doesn’t like your city, and wants to move to a city he likes better, and is using the job as a forcing function.

      On your side, I also think you are putting some unnecessary roadblocks up. Do you work in person today? Could you visit the west coast office more frequently to alleviate your concerns? Have you actually looked into what other opportunities in other cities would look like?

      This stuff is hard. There tend to be two models. In model 1, one person’s career is the primary career and all decisions are made to optimize that career. In model 2, both careers are equal over the course of a lifetime but at any given moment one is primary. You trade off over time. Model 2 has worked well for me but it sounds like you would prefer Model 1.

    • moving again

      Thanks for your responses so far. Just a few points of clarification — I do work in person and will have to continue doing so. My boss will likely split his time spring, summer on the East Coast, fall through winter on the West Coast. He will spend at least half the year on the East Coast to avoid high CA taxes. If I move, I can try and fly back/stay a month on the West Coast over the winter. I guess I could talk to my boss more to gauge how much of a hit this would be to my career, but it just seems like working in an office away from most of the team is a tough hurdle to overcome.

      This new job has sentimental value for my fiance bc it’s at his alma mater. So it’s not so much he loves small NE city (he’s ok with current West Coast city) as he values the institution he may be working at. It’s a stable job with a lot of benefits (childcare, flexible hours, etc) that would be great complement to a “primary” career, but we can’t take advantage of these bc we won’t be in the same place…

      If we could pick we’d like to settle down in city A, but that would require both of us to switch jobs. I really don’t want to switch jobs in part bc my current firm is sponsoring my green card, which longer term, both of us need to settle down in the US.

      • Anon

        ” So it’s not so much he loves small NE city (he’s ok with current West Coast city) as he values the institution he may be working at.”

        Oh, how sweet. He got a job offer at his alma mater; how amazing! Unfortunately he’s not 22 years old and single and able to take a job just for the cool (or in his case, nostalgia) factor. Your fiance taking a job for the “sentimental value” and asserting that somehow, that is more important than your job that has actual, you know, monetary value, is straight-up ridiculous. Your fiance needs to grow up, girl. If he’s not the type of person who can think long-term, make reasoned moves and act strategically to make sure that as a couple, both of you end up winning in the long game of life, you should break it off with him. Because constantly fighting that headwind of “I know this doesn’t make sense or help us build anything of value, but think about how cool this is!” will exhaust you, fast. And FYI I am not usually one of those people who “jumps to the dump” when we get relationship-advice questions.

      • Anon

        If he goes to work for his alma mater, he is unlikely to want to relocate to City A when you are ready to do so. Face the hard decisions now.

      • Anon

        Ohhhh. I didn’t comment above but was mentally a little against the “lead career” theory until I read this. Nope. You do not threaten your career/green card with this dumb, long distance move. I understand understand your partner’s dream of working at this job but this is real life and those are serious barriers. Nope, nope, nope.

        I do think you guys should be having serious conversations about moving back to City A at some point though as it does sound like that’s what he’d prefer long term.

      • Anon

        Yeah–sorry.

        I get that it’s his alma mater, but if you are anywhere on the West Coast, in-house hiring is very robust right now. There’s just no need to have separate households, massive travel, trying to tie your work life to a different time zone, tipping your hat to your boss that you’re a flight risk/don’t want to make partner (regardless of what you say, if your husband is living elsewhere, that’s what they will think) when your fiance could understand that sometimes jobs are “right job, wrong time” or “right job, wrong location”.

        This is a fantasy, and he either needs to prioritize his marriage or prioritize his 9-5. Sorry to be harsh.

        Adulthood is where fantasies go to die. If this were a temporary gig or there were a path forward for you, sure. But, like…living in Hanover New Hampshire or whatever is a fantasy for all but a few. (I say this as a Dartmouth alum.)

      • Anon

        I missed the bit about your higher earnings potential above. Your career takes precedence over his. My husband out earns me 6x, and we treat his career as the lead one.

    • A

      I think he has to find a job where you guys are now on the West coast. Or break up. It’s not fair to you to have to move away and sooner or later he will resent you.

  32. Lisa

    Have people been following the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp case? I feel like all the dialogue on Twitter is calling her a liar/sociopath/abuser, and yet I read deeper into the story, and it seems that most of her claims of abuse are substantiated. They also released messages of Depp’s that are so depraved/misogynistic/violent it’d make your stomach churn.

    I’m confused as to why there is so much defense of him. It’s disheartening that women get so vilified when they come forward with claims of abuse, even when the guy seems like a verifiable dirtbag.

    • Anne-on

      I am firmly on team ‘he’s a wife beater as decided by multiple juries’ and the only answer to your questoin about why there is so much defense of him is a combination of misogyny, good PR teams (including Disney’s who had a big franchise riding on his image), and leftover goodwill/memories of how attractive he was earlier in his career. Fwiw I also heavily side-eye Paul Bettany and question how on earth his wife didn’t leave him after the texts about drowning Heard were made public in the last case.

    • Anon

      Apparently Depp hired a PR team that has employed bots and paid shills to prop up his case on social media.

      I was watching the case coverage at the gym and Fox News, of all things, had a banner headline across the page about how Depp had lied about one of the injuries Amber had supposedly inflicted on him. I think as the court coverage gets broadcast it’s going to become clear, through his own words (and texts – blech) that he was far from some kind of innocent victim in the situation. No amount of PR can counteract someone’s own words coming out of their mouth live on camera, IMO.

      • Lisa

        OHH. This makes so much sense. It does seem like an overwhelming swarm of Johnny Depp diehard fans on Twitter pleading for his name to be cleared, which is probably fueled by the bots and shills. Prior to reading about the case, I thought that he was truly the victim of physical/emotional abuse in the case. That is truly scary how misinformation can spread so easily and quickly.

        • Ellen

          I used to like Johnnie Depp, but after watching the case non-stop on Court TV for the last couple of days, I am beginning to wonder what to believe. Could it be that he was jealous of her getting roles while he wasn’t? After all, she is alot younger than she is and she is still very cute for 35 years old. He on the other hand used to be alot svelter then he is now at age 58. I would not personally be interested in a man that age, but who knows, everyone is different.

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