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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Barbiecore isn’t going anywhere, and I’m not sad about it. This blazer from Good American has a touch of shine to it, which I’m finding a bit hypnotic, to be honest.
Pair this with a basic white top and black pants for the office or go ahead and get the matching bodysuit and stirrup pants for when you go to see the Greta Gerwig Barbie movie this summer.
The blazer is $165 at Amour 781 and comes in Good American sizes 6–8, equivalent to sizes 2XL–4XL (with size 5 sold out). Some sizes, including smaller ones, are available at Bloomingdale's and Revolve. (All sizes at GoodAmerican.com are currently waitlisted.)
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Anon
For those of you that practice the Sabbath, can you share your rituals? What you avoid, how you pass the time, and tips for making it work with work/social obligations?
Anonymous
What religion and denomination? What do you consider to be the purpose of the Sabbath? My belief is that God gave us the concept of the Sabbath for rest and rejuvenation and that we are free to interpret it in the way that best serves those goals.
In college, some of my friends would occasionally “take a Sabbath” on a day of their choosing. They would set aside study, chores, and work and do something fun or relaxing, often alone. Usually they would start the day with a long chunk of time journaling, reading the Bible, and/or reading a devotional book.
In my mainline Protestant church, I don’t hear a lot of talk about the Sabbath. I aspire to plan one day each weekend without chores for relaxation and/or family fun, but that rarely happens. I do not consider Sunday to be much of a Sabbath because I frequently spend 5 hours at church singing in multiple services, which is an awful lot like work (and in fact could be work for me but I choose to volunteer at my own church instead of getting a paid gig at a bigger church) and quite draining.
Anon
In general, it involves living in a community where Sabbath observance is common, and social activities overall tend to revolve around the observant community. In terms of passing the time, it varies tremendously whether you have kids or not – with kids it revolves around afternoon play dates in walking distance. Without kids it might involve synagogue observance, synagogue activities (such as classes) that also have a social component, catching up on reading, napping, and hosting friends for meals or going to friends for meals. With respect to work, it was always something I was doing before I started a job, so I made it known upon starting the job that I would be leaving early on Fridays. (I also work in major metro areas where Sabbath observance is not entirely foreign in the workplace). And I log on to work Saturday night to make sure I’m not behind and work some hours from home on Sunday if necessary.
Anon
Also: in two places I’ve lived and one I visit regularly: living a walkable distance to your house of worship (so living in a similar community” is built in).
Anon
I agree with all of this. Having a community that shares these values is often the difference between a Sabbath that may be isolating vs one that is restorative. There is a recent Ezra Klein interview with Judith Shulevitz that gets into this.
To the list above I’ll add – very long, delicious meals, think four hours around a table, a meal that becomes board games that becomes dessert that becomes a round of singing, etc.
Preparing for Sabbath also plays a big role in making it enjoyable. Getting a new book from the library or cooking a special meal can make a big difference.
texasanon
I go to Sunday school and church on Sundays, but I don’t think that is what you mean by Sabbath. I generally don’t work on Sundays, especially now that I have left the law firm. If I have work to get done over the weekend, I do it on Saturday, usually before 1 or 2, and then I try to shut down my computer and not look at it again until Monday.
But after church, Sundays are full of normal chores, meal prep, usually a workout and whatever else comes up.
nuqotw
We are sabbath-observant Jews, although somewhat unusually we are the only such family at our synagogue. There’s a fairly long list of things we don’t do as part of that observance – we don’t drive, cook, turn on/off electric things, write, sew, knit, draw, agricultural work (spouse has a small garden and numerous indoor plants). There are some workarounds, e.g. it’s okay to put up hot water before the sabbath and use it to make instant coffee in the morning. It *is* okay to tidy up within these boundaries – we load the dishwasher but wait until after the sabbath to run it.
The way we pass the time is that the day is structured around this kind of observance. Friday night have shabbat dinner with various associated rituals. It is the night we are most likely to have dessert or some wine. We might read or play a game or talk a walk on Friday evening after dinner. If anyone wants bedtime Mom snuggles, Friday night is the night. Saturday the kids and I get up around 8 and eat a relaxed breakfast. They play until my spouse gets up (around 9 or 9:30) and then (weather permitting – if it’s terrible we stay home) we walk to synagogue. There is candy for the kids. We don’t do much around actual worship because the kids are on the synagogue playground or want us to play uno or something but that’s a phase of life thing. There is usually lunch at the synagogue after services. We get home around 1:30 and have some quiet time. I have not given up my nap from when the kids were little and I usually go to sleep at this point. Spouse is supposed to wake me up at the end of quiet time (2:30) but he generously lets me sleep until 4 or 5 while he plays a game with the kids. We eat dinner – usually leftovers or breakfast foods, up to the individual. We play another game with the kids or take a walk or something. We put the kids to bed.
I admit that our current sabbath is less relaxing than our pre-kids sabbath – the kids are not on board with a sabbath (yet?) and right now are going through a stage where their main entertainment is petty squabbling with followed by tattling on each other. A day of sabbath observance with them is really vulnerable to devolving into squabbles. They may never be on board with a sabbath (that’s okay) but I look forward to a day when they have more pleasant ways of being together.
None of these rules apply if there is serious emergency.
Anonymous
We are very lax reform Jews, and we are just starting to get into the Shabbat traditions to get our kids into it. We light the candles and have family dinner on Friday nights, non-negotiable, so no socializing or activities that night. Sometimes we go to Friday night services, but I find they run too late for us. I also like the Saturday morning service a lot, but the rest of my family does not, so we usually skip. During the day we read, play in the yard, and generally spend time together. I try to stay off my phone. I’m trying to institute a “kids make Shabbat lunch” tradition – i.e. they make cold cut sandwiches or similar, but they’re not that into it yet. We will go to a birthday party or big event if it’s important to us, but we otherwise try to stay close to home and chill. Sunday is the big chores day, which is also like its own ritual to me.
Anonymous
How do people who live in the suburbs get to religious services without driving?
Anonymous
Not the OP, but being walking distance to a suitable synagogue was a priority when we purchased our home. As a side note, this is one of the major reasons why Sabbath-observant Jews tend to cluster in specific suburban neighborhoods. (And also why those neighborhoods are not generally areas where houses are spread out far apart from each other.)
Please clarify
Are you Jewish and are you asking Jewish people? If not the question feels appropriative.
Anon
Is Sabbath not a thing for devout Christians and other religions? I’m ethnically Jewish, not very religious, but it never occurred to me this was a Jewish only thing.
Anonymous
No. Jews own the concept and the Christians appropriated it back around the year 36 CE.
Anonymous
Uh, Christianity has a Sabbath too. She does need to clarify what religion, though.
Anon
Oh come on.
Anonymous
I am actually planning to dress up to see the Barbie movie this year, as is my best friend who prefers androgynous-dressing and will probably go as Ken. Any fantasy outfit ideas for either of us?
DC Inhouse Counsel
I’m dressing up for Barbie too! I bought a hot pink Lilly Pulitzer dress from Poshmark and will wear it with pale pink heels, a sequins headband and bright pink lipstick.
Anon
So funny – I was just thinking today that I want to go for a Girls Night to go see this movie at one of those theatres that serves booze. I think bubble-gum pink is your answer – your friend can match in a suit with a pink shirt, tie, pocket square.
Anon
Barbie pink seems the way to go. For your friend, Opposuits has crazy suits for under $100. There is a Barbie pink one.
Anon at 10:36
And there is a flamingo suit too!
Hootster
I am so excited for this movie.
Anon
+1
KS IT Chick
My neighborhood is planning a women’s night out to go see it as a group. I’m 51 and the youngest in the group. We are thinking about drinks first, with something pink and frothy.
Anon
Does anyone have the Spanx pull-on white shorts? I like them but I find them oddly snugger than I prefer in the seat. I’m a pair but apparently well within the size dimensions. Is butt-hugging just a 2023 cut? I would not wear to work but for casual items, they seem tight in the butt and stomach and then Loose in the legs. With a pull on style and no belt loops, feel like a larger size would just droop and be a weird saggy hipster. My first try with Spanx clothing.
Anonymous
I don’t have them, but its always OK to say that you don’t like how a particular cut fits on your body and decide not to wear it. Even if you’re within the size dimensions, it doesn’t mean that the cut works with your shape the way you want it to.
Anonymous
I think Capitol Hill Style posted about them recently and seemed to like them.
Anonymous
Spanx are intended to suck in your tummy and provide compression – especially in white shorts they’d think you wanted compression for cellulite on your bum. If that’s not your situation you probably don’t want spanx.
Anon
They don’t fit you, that’s not a 2023 thing.
Anonymous
I tried the Spanx perfect pants and wanted them to work so much. Unfortunately they didn’t. I had the same experience as you–uncomfortably snug in the seat but also loose in the waist. I’m an hourglass and I have a lot of pants altered to fit the waist (and hemmed because I’m short) but I didn’t think sizing up would help me here. Sometimes certain brands just don’t work for particular body shapes. It’s not you, it’s the shorts.
Anonymous
I mean, compression is the entire point of Spanx. Which is why I think Spanx pants don’t make sense. Pants are not compression garments.
Anon
Can someone in the UK explain Prince Harry’s legal case to us? I’m sure he has competent counsel, but is he just not prepared or not understanding how this works? He comes across as the guy who often wrong but never in doubt and just looks like a fool.
Anonymous
That’s not how most people are analyzing his testimony. He did pretty well actually.
Anon
IDK — he seemed poorly prepared and a day late (!!!); my guess is that that’s on him vs his counsel
Anonymous
Everything I’ve seen seems like he did not do well. People who have been catered to their entire lives rarely do well under cross-examine.
Anon
He comes across as the guy who often wrong but never in doubt and just looks like a fool.
I think that’s what he is.
Anonymous
Well, yes that is how he normally comes across.
Phone hacking has absolutely been a thing in the UK, though, so whether this case is legit or not, it’s very understandable why it’s a concern.
Cb
Ah, I have a rec. Yesterday’s News Agents podcast did a good explainer.
But oh my goodness, do we not have bigger problems in this dysfunctional country? The PM donated 3 million to a California school whilst children in his constituency are going hungry, rampant corruption, American inspired culture wars nonsense…
Monday
Yeah, as an American I sort of like trashy royals coverage, but the more I learn about what’s going on in the UK the more it feels like a ridiculous distraction from things that actually matter in regular people’s lives. Not that we don’t do that here with celebrities, of course.
Anonymous
He’s that client who you told to settle because he had an awful case but they just won’t settle. So you’ve sort of giving up trying to convince them to settle and you’re just enjoying the billables. It’s such a bad case – you’re suing for hacking from 1996 but you didn’t even have a phone until 1998? Or all the instances where the other lawyers are like showing press releases that contained the same info?
He wants the story to have been that the press was after him and he’s so popular. He wasn’t even hacked 1/4 as much as the other royals. He’s 5th to the throne and will only drop down from there. He needs to move on. No one cares.
isn’t Hugh Grant on this case too? I’m more interested in him because I feel like there’s a decent chance he’d lose his temper on the stand. I don’t know all the soap opera star people involved who got hacked though.
Anon
The mother of the kidnapped daughter was just such a good example for why hacking is so, so wrong. Prince Harry, OTOH, just go home and STFU.
Anon
He has a vendetta against the UK tabloid media, for reasons that are sometimes extremely valid and sometimes belie a total lack of understanding of his position as a public figure and how the tabloids supported him and downplayed his more awful actions as “just a lad” for many years. For this specific case (he has several open lawsuits against various UK media companies), he’s alleging that MGN, the company that owns the UK tabloid the Mirror, hacked his phone from 2004 to 2010. (Clarification that Twitter seems to miss, none of the open cases against the UK media have anything to do with actions taken after he met Meghan.)
It’s not news that various UK tabloids hacked phone voicemails in the 2000s. In fact, the first indication that it was happening came from Prince William. https://www.cbsnews.com/news/news-of-the-world-hacking-scandal-began-with-prince-william/ The scandal brought down the News of the World tabloid, which admitted to hacking, among many others, Prince Harry’s phone 9 times, Prince William’s 35, and Kate (who was years away from marrying into the royal family) 155 times. Transcripts of messages from their phones were read aloud in court, which is how the world knows that Will’s pet name for Kate is “babykins.” https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2013/dec/19/prince-william-messages-kate-middleton-phone-hacking-trial. Harry is currently suing the company that owned News of the World and owns the Sun in a separate case about the phone hacking, along with other public figures like Hugh Grant. That (Murdoch-owned) company says that the statute of limitations is passed. There’s also complications about whether or not the Sun engaged in hacking, which the complainants allege but the company denies, so I’m sure we’ll be seeing testimony about that soon.
For the current case, MGN has admitted to one instance of illegal information gathering against Harry, but says it was not phone hacking and denies hacking his phone. Harry provided a list of articles he believes contained information obtained by hacking, and for the last two days he’s been cross examined on those articles. (He didn’t show up Monday, though the judge had ordered him to be there, because it was his daughter’s 2nd birthday on Sunday which…was not a great start, especially when his lawyer’s only explanation was that he was essentially more important than the other witnesses.) The cross examination went through 33 articles and exposed a lot of holes in Harry’s position, namely that many of them were based on previous information already reported by other news outlets or, in some cases, based on statements given by Harry himself or his comms team freely. (https://www.telegraph.co.uk/royal-family/2023/06/06/duke-of-sussex-high-court-mirror-group-newspapers-tabloids/) There is some evidence on Harry’s side, namely one payment receipt titled “Project Harry,” and I expect he will still technically win this case. His position is that he should get damages based on all the articles he identified, because he suspects they were all based on phone hacking. What MGN’s lawyer did a good job on, and Harry did a pretty bad one, is showing that the specific articles could only have been based on hacking and not from already-public information or other sources who had knowledge of the activities taking place (for example, Harry dining in a pub run by a celebrity chef who was known to talk to the press, or his on-and-off girlfriend Chelsy Davy’s uncle who also often talked to reporters.) I suspect his lack of hard evidence and pretty speculative testimony will significantly lower the amount of damages he gets, but I think there’s enough evidence for a court to make the ruling he was, in fact, hacked during that time – just my opinion though.
Anon
I think everyone’s interpretation of how he did is colored by what they thought of him before this case.
Overall I’m glad the tabloids are potentially being held accountable.
Anonymous
The tabloids settled out of court years ago with most of the people hacked. They’ve already paid out.
Anon
Keep your mouth shut and people think you’re a fool.
Open it, and their suspicion is confirmed.
Prince Harry is the second.
Anon
Gosh, a lot of SMM redditors in this thread. Yikes!
Anon
One of the strangest things in the world is seeing people trying to convince themselves that Prince Harry is some sort of genius hero, and not someone at the intellectual level of say Ryan Lochte, because they need to cling so hard to the “side” they’ve taken in a media war between a bunch of rich people. I promise you that there are many people who have known Prince Harry as an idiot, based on his own statements and actions, long before he met his wife.
Anon
Any advice for washing a weighted blanket? Kiddo has a nosebleed and I want to salvage it but can see it exploding in the wash. Spot clean and air dry?
AIMS
I think spot clean and air dry is the answer. You can always get a duvet for it if the stain is bothering you and doesn’t fully come out. I know some weighted blanket companies sell them (the one wirecutter recommends as the “best” does) and probably you an try a regular one too.
Anon
If spot washing, I recommend just spraying the spots directly with oxy clean and letting it sit for a day. I recently had a nosebleed all over a new dress, particularly some white bits. I sprayed it and let it sit, when I checked on it the next day, all the blood spots had faded completely. I then washed as normal, but you could probably just spot wash to get the oxy out.
Cerulean
Hydrogen peroxide and dish soap take out blood (and red wine) stains with minimal effort. And only use cold water on protein-based stains, warm or hot water can set it.
I’ve never had a weighted blanket, but I wouldn’t hang on to a blanket that couldn’t actually be washed.
anon
If you are unsuccessful saving it, look for the one on amazon that has a cover – it is one of the best sellers. I was the cover but the blanket frequently. Depending on the weight of the blanket, I’d be concerned about putting it in the washer just from a “worried about the washing machine” standpoint.
Anonymous
The Target Threshold weighted blanket with a removable cover is great and affordable.
Anonymous
I’ve washed all of ours. I do them in delicate, with woolite, and airdry. Takes a few days to dry. Most of ours had instructions on the tag.
anon
Same – it’s gone fine.
Anon
I’m afraid mine would break the washer. I do spot cleaning and second a washable duvet.
Jane
Reposting as I was too late on the afternoon thread: Please hit me with all the Helsinki recommendations. I’m there for 2 days this week! Thank you.
Anonymous
Left a long list late yesterday, so check back as well.
Pompom
Rock Church! Loyly sauna! Eat reindeer if you eat meat! Stroll the design district and enjoy the shops! Allas Sea Pool if it’s reopened (there was some damage to it IIRC). And try to make a visit to Suomenlinna. Absolutely beautiful and interesting.
Pittsburgh
A group of us are thinking about a weekend trip to Pittsburgh. We live a couple hours drive away so were looking for a local destination this summer that we can fit in between all the summer camps and vacations. Adults in their 30s. Kids ages 3 to 6. Any suggestions for what to do/see/eat? And where to stay? Leaning toward airbnb (not sure which neighborhood) but maybe a family suites type hotel is ok too. thanks!
Anonymous
Ride the incline (funicular railroad) and get lunch or dinner at the top.
anon
Pittsburgh is so much fun! There’s the Children’s Museum which should be a big hit for kiddos that age and the Carnegie Science Center is also good. The Carnegie Museum of Natural History is cool and if I remember correctly is attached to the library which is also worth checking out. The Cathedral of Learning is extremely cool though check the hours beforehand. I dragged my family to the Warhol musuem because I’m a little obsessed but that’s probably not as interesting for kids.
Anonymous
I probably would skip the Warhol museum with kids.
Anon
We loved the Mattress Factory! Would be fun with kids, too.
Anon
+1 to the Children’s Museum and the Carnegie Science Center. We also really like the Zoo and Aquarium. The Pickle Festival is in July and is ridiculously fun. The Heinz History Museum is probably better for older kids, but they do have a playzone. If birds are your thing, the National Aviary is very nice. If plants are your thing, Phipps is beautiful. Kennywood would meet your basic needs for a theme park in the middle of the city. I haven’t been there in awhile, so I’m not sure how much they would have for younger kids.
Mrs. Jones
A Pirates game! The stadium is really nice. Just don’t drink the Iron City beer; it’s nasty.
Anonymous
It won’t take long, but a ride up the Duquesne Incline is kind of fun and has a good view of the city.
Anon
Highly recommend staying in Mount Washington. We were there in May with 4 adults and 4 kids, same ages, and had a blast staying in our Airbnb up there. Kids loved the beautiful views.
Anonymous
Idlewood/soakzone is just outside Pittsburgh too – kind of lame but take a look. We went because one of my kids was a huge Daniel tiger fan.
+1 to the children’s museum.
Yinz
Long time Pittsburgher — For a short weekend stay, I would stay in Mt. Washington, downtown or around the North Shore, or Shadyside. Check out the Children’s Museum, the Science Museum, the walkways along the river to the Point, Point, Park, the fountains at PPG. Market Square and the Strip District has good food options. Check out a baseball game at PNC Park. Ice cream – Page’s, Klavons or Millies.
PolyD
National Aviary! If you pay a couple bucks extra, you can feed the lorikeets!
The Carnegie museums, especially the natural history one, are really nice.
Anon
We live in pgh and have kids in that exact age range. I would prioritize visiting in the following order, based on interest from my kids.
1. Children’s museum.
2 Carnegie science center.
3 The zoo is good during lower morning temps or when it’s less than 80 degrees outside.
4 Museum of natural history – dinosaurs.
Aviary is boring for my kids after one visit, but it’s a short visit. Phipps is good for winter but not as exciting for the kids, and I wouldn’t be interested in going during the summer.
We have memberships to all the above and we go through the first 4 on a weekly rotation.
Kennywood and the sandcastle water park is a bit too old for that age range to be worth the cost of a season pass.
Anon
I think the incline is historical, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to take the kids to ride it. It’s hot and along the road and only a few minutes to ride.
You can see it from the science center top floor kids clubhouse anyways, which btw has a submarine you can go in. Much more fun
Anon
I agree with the zoo recommendations. It is very hill-y, so wear appropriate footwear and you don’t want to do it in high heat/humidity situations.
Anon
You should get brunch at oakmont bakery. Best bakery in pittsburgh. There’s a playground and walking track across the street you can take the kids to afterwards.
Lab Created Diamonds
Talk to me about lab created diamonds. I’d like a pair of princess cut diamonds studs, tcw 3 (1.5 carats each). On Brilliant Earth, for the quality stones I want, lab created stones would be $5,000 and natural stones would be $30,000 (I am rounding).
This seems like a no brainer, so what am I missing?
Cerulean
You’re missing the part where DeBeers tells you how Very Very Special natural diamonds are. And slave labor. Nothing else.
Anon
+1
Carbon…. is Carbon.
You are paying for a pedigree, and not one that should be admired.
I always recommend vintage/family diamonds (already in circulation) vs. lab created.
Nesprin
Lol DeBeers is advertising at me that diamonds from the ground “touch 10,000 lives”. I always wonder what percentage of those 10k are enslaved people.
Go with the lab stones.
Anon
You’re not missing anything. The idea that lab grown diamonds are inferior is pure propaganda from De Beers and other companies that rely on mined diamonds. The history of diamond marketing is long and fascinating if you want to read up on it. FWIW I have a jeweler friend who says it’s impossible to tell the difference just by looking at a diamond. You have to view it under a special piece of equipment to identify a lab grown diamond.
Anon
There are testers that will accurately tell whether the diamonds are natural or lab created. Lab created diamonds are not all innocent — it takes an enormous amount of energy to produce them so they are not without environmental cost. My jeweler (who made my wedding band with recycled gold from my family) is really into lab created diamonds but says that for the foreseeable future, the resale market is going to be weird for them.
OP, if you only care about wearing them and don’t foresee reselling, I think the lab created ones are going to be identical for your purposes.
After a lot of research, I bought my studs used from a reputable estate jeweler for a reasonable price (mine are 1 cttw though, so the price difference between new-natural, used-natural, and lab-created was not nearly as stark). My jeweler showed me that the testing tool can tell the difference between the natural diamonds in my engagement ring (estate), diamond studs (estate), and lab diamonds that she has in stock.
Cerulean
I’m guessing the market for diamonds overall will be weird in coming years. Younger people aren’t as interested in diamonds. I don’t care all that much about the resale value for something like my engagement ring or studs since I’ll wear them (theoretically) forever and I’ve never heard of people being able to sell their jewelry for anywhere near what they paid anyway, unless if it’s actually rare or collectible.
Anon
Right. Everyone I know that has sold diamonds (from no-longer-wanted engagement/wedding jewelry or whatever) has only received a fraction of what the jewelry cost new. I don’t think anyone should buy diamonds (or any jewelry) expecting to get much at resale. Jewelry is not an investment, for the most part, unless you’re talking about high-quality meltable gold (maybe).
I actually have a beautiful lab-created diamond pendant that I bought used from a local jewelry store that resells jewelry – the stones are much larger, brighter and clearer than I could possibly have afforded if they were “real diamonds.” The jeweler was a little sniffy about them being lab-created, but I love them and absolutely no one can tell they aren’t “real.” The only “real” diamonds I have are the ones I inherited from my grandmothers, and I wouldn’t buy new ones, because of the ethics involved. If they can make diamonds in a lab that look as good as the ones I have, and they’re also much cheaper and don’t contribute to the DeBeers diamond cartel – why wouldn’t I buy lab-created?
Anon
Yea I would never buy a non lab grown Diamond. It doesn’t seem worth it and of course the ethical concerns. There’s nothing special about a Diamond.
Anon
Thank you for alerting me to Brilliant Earth! I received a beautiful heirloom 2 ct diamond necklace from my mother in law that was lost or stolen at some point during a move. I have always wanted to replace it, but did not want to buy a new diamond (too much money and don’t agree with de beers). I can buy the stone from brilliant earth and have it remade to pass on to my kids!!
anon
My engagement ring from them is over 10 years old and I am still so so happy with it.
MJ
Also take a look at Lightbox. They do very reasonably-priced lab diamonds in clear, pink and blue, at $800/carat.
Anon
Just a heads up that Lightbox is DeBeers
Anonymous
You aren’t missing anything, you save money and don’t contribute to slavery, it’s win win.
Anon
I would look for vintage/previously worn earrings instead of lab diamonds.
Anon
At our ten year anniversary, I swapped out / upgraded my engagement ring with a smaller real diamond to a larger lab grown diamond. Reselling is the only thing I would say to consider, but if that’s not an option, go with the lab diamond. I have never ever had anyone say a word other than how lovely my ring is.
Anon
I ended up getting moissanite studs instead at a fraction of the price, like $500 for 3ct weight (a while ago) and I’ve been very happy with them, which surprised me. I see rings as the place for real diamonds (and I prefer estate too), and everything else not so much but for no real logical reason. Just throwing it out in case it’s helpful.
Hootster
I love my moissanite studs and think they’re even more beautiful and more sparkly than diamonds. Do you think they’d be too much for rings? Curious to understand more about your thought process here, as I’ve been thinking about getting a ring as well.
Anonymous
My engagement ring is a moissanite in a solitaire setting, and I love it! It does not look “too much”, and most people cannot tell it’s not a diamond at first glance.
Anon
Same. Very traditional-looking 3-stone moissanite ring here, and it’s going strong after 15 years!
Anon
I have CZ studs…no one has ever asked if they’re fake. They were about $100, gold over silver setting.
DC Anon
Not missing anything! Love my Brilliant Earth lab grown earrings, highly recommend them.
Anon
You may also want to comparison shop places grown brilliance or with clarity – brilliant earth can be spendy for lab.
Wedding wear
I am attending a wedding this month–ceremony outside, reception inside. Dress code is semi-formal. I had planned to wear a green silk sleeveless midi dress and gold sandals. Then I looked at the weather forecast: highs in the mid-50s, partly cloudy. (wedding is in Alaska). Now I feel like my outfit is too summery for the weather. I do have a short-sleeved, knee-length black dress that I could wear with or without tights and close-toed shoes, although tights feel a bit silly for June. Thoughts?
Cb
Oh I love the idea of a green silk dress. I wonder if a topper for the ceremony would do the trick? It might not be that long of ceremony.
Anne-on
+1 – in this case I’d think about a dressy light coat or shawl, I’m sure the venue will have a coat check.
anon
I’d wear the green dress and bring a wrap or coat for the ceremony.
Anon
It’ll probably get warm inside during the reception with all the people, dancing, etc. Just bring a coat for the ceremony. No tights in June!
Anon
LOL, “no tights in June” is just simply not a rule in Alaska.
Anon
I lived in and went to weddings in Alaska. Bring a full-on coat, not a topper or cashmere, or else you’ll be freezing in silk. That said – wear the silk! It will be amazing!
Anon
+1 Dress for the actual weather, not the season it is where you live. Also,
Most of there will be a lot of Alaskans at the wedding, expect people won’t be dressed very formally.
Anon
+1 some of my rural Maine relatives wore hiking boots at my wedding and I would assume Alaska is similar in that way.
Anonymous
I have started reacting badly to mosquito bites. I used to just get a small bump that would fade by the next day, but now I get a large red bump that takes a week to fade. I don’t know if we have a new breed of mosquitos in our yard or if this is another fun side effect of aging/changing body chemistry, but does anyone have any tricks to make them go away faster? Cortisone and Afterbite take care of itching, but don’t do anything to make them go away.
Anon
The Bug Bite Thing (that’s the name) suction tool works really well.
Anon
+1! Amazing difference!
Anonymous
I do think it’s a new/different breed. Unfortunately I don’t have any recommendations. I normally just take Benadryl once I reach a certain amount of bites (15-20). I haven’t noticed if that reduces the swelling but it prevents me from scratching in my sleep.
Anon
I honestly thought it was probably just another post-covid mast cell thing. Is there really a new mosquito breed spreading though?
Anonymous
Southern breeds are spreading farther north because of global warming.
Anon
Interesting; I will look into this more. I always think of the northern ones as the ones that give me really big welts, but it could be that I developed a sensitivity to them because it’s where I grew up!
Anon
It’s not overkill to ask your doctor or pharmacist. I was told to knock it off with the cortisone personally, but advised that topical benadryl could help if the overreaction is a histamine thing.
Anonymous
Bad news for you – once I hit my 40s I’ve had at least 2 mosquito bites that haven’t healed properly and it looks like I have a nasty raised red welt on my forearm all the time. Yay.
Anon
Is it a keloid scar?
BB
As someone who has always reacted badly to the bites, the only thing that’s ever worked for me was prescription steroid ointment. I actually got it for an allergic rash many years ago and randomly decided to use it off-label for a bad mosquito bite. It takes the itching away for probably a few hours. Nothing helps the swelling (and eventual blistering) though – not even Benadryl :(
Anon
My adult daughter has always had extreme reactions to mosquito bites, and the only thing that works to keep big, weepy welts from forming is topical Benadryl applied as soon as she feels or sees a bite. She carries it in every bag and in her car and has tubes strategically located in her (and my) house. I gave her a Bug Bite Thing, and it has not worked.
anon
And if they get weepy, BE CAREFUL about infection. That happened to me once, and it was not a good time. Still have a scar from it, too.
Anonymous
I think it only works for mosquito bites if you notice when and where you are bitten and use it immediately after being bitten, before the inflammation starts. Which is nearly impossible.
Anon
I didn’t even know topical benadryl existed! Many thanks. This is much nicer than taking a benadryl pill.
Trish
I don’t go hiking without it!
Anne-on
I put pimple pataches on my son’s bug bites when he was little to keep them covered/stop him from scratching and they actually do make a big difference in helping them heal faster. To keep the cost down it’s definitely cheaper to buy sheets of the hydrocollodial material and cut it to size.
Interview Question
Hi! Interview help please! I interviewed for an in-house position yesterday. I’ve already reached out to thank the hiring manager who coordinated the day and had the biggest role. In total, however, I met 10 other people all at varying levels within the company. Should I reach out to thank each of those 10 people? I completely forgot about asking for cards or email addresses from each person. Accordingly, I’d have to either hand write notes or ask for email addresses from either the hiring manager or the HR professional I’ve had communication with. My gut says that asking for all of these people’s email addresses is inappropriate. Thoughts? I haven’t interviewed since I was in law school, and those interviews were all with law firms, so it was easy to find interviewer contact information on the firm websites. In my own hiring, I’ve never hired or not hired someone based on a thank you. So my thought is really to let it go. But is that a huge faux pas? Thanks!
Cerulean
Asking for emails to write thank yous would be very strange in my industry and waste time that could be spent on substantive interview questions. Honestly, receiving a thank you from candidates has never really helped my impression of them and feels a bit forced (and in one instance, hurt a candidate that got way too personal in a thank you email). It honestly never even occurs to me if a candidate doesn’t send one.
Anonymous
I’ve interviewed a lot of candidates over the past few years. Fewer than 1/4 of the candidates go through the trouble to find every interviewer’s e-mail address on the org’s website and send an individual thank-you. Maybe 1/3 send a thank-you to the person who coordinated the day and ask that it be forwarded to everyone who participated. Some percentage don’t send a thank-you that I ever see.
Anon
Most people send a group thank you to the main coordinator thanking them all. It’s pretty hard to come up with something different for everyone. I’m a big thank you fan, but not in the context you described. I’d save your thank you for a later round when you want to close. (In-house GC here.)
Anon
I’m in the nonprofit sector, and I always google their emails/email formatting. If I can’t figure it out, or if an email is returned as undeliverable, I ask the recruiter for individual emails or if they’ll forward a general thank you. Sometimes I get the emails, sometimes I don’t. I’ve been on zoom panel interviews where the panelists all provide their emails in the chat, too.
Anonie
I think thanking the hiring manager is sufficient – they’re the face of the company for you. I do in house interviews and have gotten maybe 1-2 thank yous out of 30+ interviews I’ve done, so I don’t think anyone will care if you don’t do it. Particularly if you have no other reason to have the people’s email addresses, they can hardly expect you to track them down.
Hollis
I am spending a week total between Barcelona and Paris in February as a tourist. How many days should I spend in Barcelona? Would 2 days be enough to see the Gaudi stuff and get a feel for the place? In Paris I was hoping to see some major tourist sites and maybe taking a day trip to Versailles. I am going with my husband and teenagers and this is our first time at these places so any suggestions are appreciated. We like seeing new places but we’re not big art or food people; DH is vegetarian. Thanks.
Cerulean
That’s a very ambitious itinerary, I think you could easily spend a week in each city. Versailles is amazing, but would take a full day, so I’d axe it to take better advantage of Paris unless you really have your heart set on it.
Anon
How many days total do you have in Europe? 7? If so, I’d probably allocate 3 to Barcelona and 4 to Paris. But if 5 or 6 days total, probably 2 in Barcelona is right especially if you want to do day trips from Paris. Two days is definitely enough time to see the Gaudi stuff (that takes the better part of one day) and get a feel for the city. Keep in mind the weather in Barcelona is likely to be substantially nicer than in Paris in February (average high of 59 vs 48), so that may be a factor in how you choose to allocate your time as well.
NYCer
This is what I would do too if you are intent on doing both cities. I would probably skip Versailles if you only do 4 days in Paris.
Hollis
Yes, 7 days total. I realize the weather is not going to be awesome, but Feb. is the cheapest time to visit these places as flights are stupid expensive right now. There’s apparently something called a “Carrier-imposed International Surcharge (YR)” and it’s $400 per person (on top of a $600 base fare). That’s insane, but cheaper than what it will cost us to go in the spring or next summer.
Anon
Oh, I don’t think it’s a terrible time to go and I understand flight prices are nuts right now. Just saying Barcelona is likely to be a lot nicer weather-wise, and if I were doing only one city (as others suggested) I would lean towards Barcelona at that time of year in large part because of the weather.
Anonymous
Feels aggressive. I’d do 3 night in Barcelona with the fourth day being a half travel day. FWIW, DH and I did 5 nights in Paris and never made it to Versailles. It was absolutely a full day and just ended up being deprioritized. We also aren’t major art people. We would have offended many people had we admitted publicly we went through the Louvre in under 60 mins – the Mona Lisa, a few key pieces and done.
Unsolicited advice? We never planned on going up the Eiffel Tower but on a whim while we were walking by the line was shot and we did it right around sunset and it was one of the best parts of the whole trip. We also got to Paris around dusk and had pre-booked one of those river cruises and it was the best way to kick off the time in Paris.
Enjoy! Those are two of my favorite cities.
Hollis
These are great suggestions, thank you!
Anon
Personally I’d say pick one unless you’re going for a couple of weeks. Otherwise you’ll spend all your time getting there and back.
Hollis
Thanks, we will be flying into Barcelona and then taking a 2 hour flight to Paris from there, so it shouldn’t be bad. It sounds like a lot but I’ve never traveled for more than 10 days total, even for my own honeymoon.
Anonymous
I did a similar itinerary pre-covid. We flew into Paris, took a train to Barcelona (which ended up being about the same time city center to city center as flying) and flew back to the US from Barcelona. We did 3-4 nights in each city, and it was great!
Cat
tbh with a week I would just go to Paris. You can relax and do one or two Tourist Things per day and have time for side trips without feeling like If It’s Tuesday This Must Be Belgium.
Hollis
I would like that also, but unfortunately my kids only have 1 week of break (and the older ones are in high school so they can’t miss a lot of school).
Anonymous
Here’s my unpopular opinion: I didn’t like Paris that much. You can do the major sites in 3 days. I liked Chantilly more than Versailles, and it’s not as big, so if you catch the 8:45ish train, you can be back in Paris by 3 or 4 and still have some time to do something in Paris, whereas Versailles is definitely a full day. (Chantilly is about a half hour train ride than a 15 minutes walk from the train station)
Anon
I don’t like Paris that much either. It’s…fine. There are probably 30 or more European cities I like better, including Barcelona and other cities in France. We’re definitely in the minority, though.
Anon
Don’t skip Versailles as you’ll regret it. I’d spend 2/3 days max in Barcelona and 4/5 days in Paris. Get out the map and plan carefully to maximise sight seeing.
Cb
Does anyone have a lemon-y scent rec for my mom? The body shop one was promising but I didn’t realise it had lily of the valley in it, which gave both of us pounding headaches.
Anonymous
Lush has some lemon scented products that I love
Anonymous
Take a look at Fresh and L’Occitane, they have a number of lemon-scented products. I sometimes wear Maison Margiela’s Under the Lemon Trees but don’t think of it as being overwhelmingly lemony, but that’s me. If you’re looking for perfumes I haven’t tried these scents but would trust any of these brands to do a good job: Ellis Brooklyn (West), DS&Durga (Italian Citrus), and I feel like something in the Acqua di parma line would suit also.
Moose
Try L’Occitane Verbena scent! Lovely and lots of products to choose from.
Anonymous
Have you tried the fresh brand scents? The lemon brown sugar is a favorite of mine for body wash.
PolyD
Target or Ulta has Bliss Lemon Sage body wash. It’s lemony and lovely.
New Here
Buff City Soap has a lemongrass + eucalyptus scent that I absolutely love. Their Good Morning Sunshine scent may also work…it is citrus + champagne, according to the website. If you don’t have a store near you, it looks like you can order online.
Anon
Lemon verbena …l’occitane
Check out acqua di Parma.
Fullyfunctional
Eau d’Hadrien by Annick Goutal is lemony and beautiful.
Anon
Can we have an unpopular opinion thread to go along with yesterday’s secrets thread? Here’s mine: I think some people are just bad. It’s not that their mommies didn’t read enough to them or that they didn’t get crucial support in college or eat enough vegetables, but they are just bad people with bad personalities who do bad things to other people. I don’t think social policy should be oriented towards rehabilitating really bad people because I don’t think some (many?) of them can be.
Anon
I can think of one particularly rotten adult I know (she has some anger issues that she doesn’t always control and was arrested for fighting another mom at a parent event). Her child is lovely. I think this is right b/c I’ve seen it work in reverse. At some point, people make their own choices, good or bad. Some (MacKenzie Phillips?) have the deck so stacked against them as a kid. But some people are so inexplicably awful that it is in spite of everything pointing to how it should be otherwise.
anon
The taste of diet soda is absolutely disgusting. There’s nothing more cloying than artificial sweeteners.
Anon
I adore Diet Pepsi and am OK with Diet Coke. Coke Zero is vile but definitely what the cool kids are drinking.
Anon
This is a pet peeve of mine because I have an acute emergency level contraindication for caloric sweeteners, but for some reason, they nearly always overcompensate when using non-caloric sweeteners.
I am really not picky either; I can handle the fact that different sweeteners taste different. I just don’t want it oversweetened to the point where it’s unpalatable.
Anonymous
Yes!!! So disgustingly sweet
Moose
I agree with you completely – Diet Dr. Pepper is OK in a pinch but otherwise, newp. Paradoxically I use artificial sweetener (Sweet N’ Low only) in iced tea, ha!
Moose
And also, Stevia is NASTY. Can’t do it, even in small amounts.
Cerulean
I don’t fully disagree with you, but how would you know who was innately bad and not worth “saving” versus someone who was capable of rehabilitation?
Anon
I wouldn’t stick around to find out. I’m not going to spend my finite time on earth around people who are violent or nasty. It’s like women who try to “fix” bad boyfriends — we’re not undertaking humanitarian missions on a 1:1 scope and most of us aren’t even prepared with the appropriate training even if we wanted to devote ourselves to it. Different case if you have a very troubled child (where you may have mental health issues, drug/addiction issues, survivor of abuse issues, or all of the above and more).
Cerulean
Oh, I was thinking more along the lines of rehabilitation with professionals working with the prison population, not individuals putting themselves at risk!
Anon
It’s hard because if nobody really wants to hang out with the rehabilitated person who committed all those horrific crimes, then odds are people with any kind of privilege will successfully avoid having this guy as a neighbor or coworker, and people who are already vulnerable will not. So it feels like volunteering the most vulnerable people for something I certainly do not want to do if I have an option.
ACAB
There are 1,000 violent juvenile offenders who had been sentenced to life who are now free. Most are doing very well. https://cfsy.org/
Anon
Aren’t most juvenile offenders a totally different category? I would expect that many of the crimes young people commit are things they were encouraged to do by their social group and in that sense were prosocial behaviors at the time! Lots of violence is socially sanctioned, so to me that’s more a question of which society they want to belong to long term.
I had a neighbor who saw prison time for shooting a mugger in the back. Not a great thing to do! But he was young and stupid and came across as more than a little ADHD. That is really different from a predatory sadist (like some cops I can think of whose victims don’t get anywhere near their zipcodes even years after what happened to them).
ACAB
Yes, juvenile offenders are different as a class and that is the reasoning behind the Miller and Graham decisions. 1. Their brains are not fully formed so they are impulsive. 2. They are more vulnerable to their peer group and their family influences. 3. They are capable of rehabilitation. That said, we are learning that adolescence extends until the mid-20s and most crimes are committed before the age of 25. Therefore, criminal justice policy should presume offenders under the age of 25 can be rehabilitated.
Anon
I still feel that predatory crimes are different. Some of the studies on campus SA that conclude it’s an issue of serial offenders who also target young children and the elderly when the opportunity presents itself are alarming in comparison to the “they’re just young and confused” narratives that usually guide university policy (for example).
Anon
Without the benefit of a crystal ball, I would say one way to do it would be to see who actually enjoys the suffering they cause to others, who seeks a leadership role, and who looks vaguely uncomfortable with what they’re being asked to do. An example from my region would be gang violence. There are always ringleaders who mastermind elaborate assault operations, etc. and seem to feel zero remorse – they’ll go to jail 47 times and come back for more. The same isn’t always true for their low-level supporters who take commands.
Anonymous
If you purposely hurt others you either don’t see them as fully human or enjoy causing them to suffer. Those personality types are the ones who are innately bad and are generally pretty easy to identify through their speech and behavior. See, e.g., many current politicians.
Anon
“Enjoy causing them to suffer” nails it.
Anon
There’s actually some research out there that indicates that psychopaths have brain anatomy that’s markedly different than the brain anatomy of non-psychopaths, and that it might be an innate/inborn characteristic vs. neurological pathways being created by bad parenting. If that’s the case, it poses an interesting conundrum, as then psychopaths have what is basically a birth defect/anatomic disability that they can’t help or change. But that doesn’t make them any less dangerous to others.
There’s also some fascinating research about child psychopaths – kids who have intentionally and maliciously hurt animals or people at an early age – that seems to indicate that lack of empathy and impulse control is an innate problem that some people are born with, and that the brain structures and neurochemistry of those kids is just fundamentally different. There’s likely some kind of “epigenetic” expression – like, if the kid is raised in a supportive environment with empathetic parenting, they may not ever develop empathy for others because their brain just doesn’t work that way, but they won’t hurt others. Once a kid who does not have empathy starts hurting animals or other people and gets pleasure from it, it is really, really difficult to “train” them away from that particular pleasure-seeking behavior, and many of those kids continue hurting others until they end up incarcerated – which may be the best place for them, and almost certainly is the best place for them to be in terms of the safety of others.
If you are interested in this topic, the Atlantic did an excellent long-form article a few years back about child psychopaths and efforts to help/treat them (and how those efforts have largely been unsuccessful). But fair warning, it’s a rough read.
Anon
Thanks for the rec on the Atlantic article.
Anon
That article scared the crap out of me for years.
Anon
I babysat for a kid who . . . concerned me. And slowly, by talking to my friends, it seemed that we had all encountered the same behavior. The house stank of urine (they were rich, soap is not expensive). Why they got rid of the cat. All we needed was playing with matches.
Annon
Psychologist…I don’t think they are always easy to identify, unfortunately. My most sadistic patient presented as a reserved, quiet, obsessive with anxiety. Her sadism was embedded and well hidden behind a helpful persona….a persona that was years in the making. It took me a long time to see it because she was highly defended and spent years cultivating her mask. It was both disturbing and a bit scary. She looked like the girl next door.
Anon
Whoa. Sadistic emotionally or physically?
ACAB
The vast majority of young offenders stop getting into trouble in a prison setting in their mid-20s so it is really not that hard to figure out. And the vast majority of offenders are under 25. So, you provide rehabilitation programs and then you parole those who are doing well in prison by the time they are in their 30s. Sadly, Florida did away with parole. The aging prison population and the health crisis should concern all of you.
ACAB
https://www.clickorlando.com/news/local/2023/02/17/florida-rights-restoration-coalition-speaks-about-nobel-peace-prize-nomination/
Anon
I largely agree. While there are some people who can be oriented towards being good, but circumstances create problems, some are just plain bad. I have a family member who, absent divine intervention, will always be a garbage human. Some people noticed problems as early as age 1 or 2 with this individual.
Anonymous
Brunch is a trash meal. The food is bad the service is bad it somehow takes all day.
Anon
Hard agree
Anon 2.0
Yes! I do not brunch. In fact, I live by a no breakfast food after the clock strikes noon rule. You will never ever find breakfast for dinner at my house either.
Anon
Oh man, I love breakfast for dinner. I think if I didn’t have a family I would eggs for dinner at least three nights per week.
Anonymous
yes! the only good thing about it is day drinking and then you nap the rest of the day away.
Anon
That’s the worst part of it!
Anon
I can’t drink and eat a lot of food midday without getting sleepy afterward. So I brunch and then I want to take a nap and between brunch and nap, the whole day is gone.
Anon
I wonder how unpopular this opinion is really? I think most of us have experienced the opportunity to make good or bad decisions and know what it feels like to “be bad” and how choosing the wrong thing can itself feel corrupting. And I think we can tell from our experience that if we’re truly contrite (or “rehabilitated”), we don’t therefore expect to be treated as if we never wronged someone. It’s also kind of hard to miss how superficially rehabilitated the really bad people we know are!
There is also a lot of research on predatory crime that shows high rates of recidivism controlled mainly by opportunity. Patterns can be missed if we don’t look at things like cruelty to animals or elder abuse, but often it’s the same people who are causing a lot of suffering across many categories of harm.
Monday
I think that opinion is actually pretty widely held, actually. This is why services supposedly intended to rehabilitate people still mostly take place in jails or through programs that are affiliated with the justice system. They also tend to be on shoestring budgets, staffed by low-paid people with high turnover, etc. It’s a minimum investment so that we can say we tried, and there isn’t a lot of political will toward anything better.
My job (in public access health care) is adjacent to this question. I do believe there are irredeemably sick people, who the rest of the population just needs to be protected from. But they’re a really small number compared to everyone incarcerated, and many of them roam free for their whole luxurious lives due to privilege.
My really unpopular opinion is that beauty culture and diet culture are thoroughly antifeminist! I also don’t like Taylor Swift. Usually with anyone that prolific, I like at least one of their songs, but not in this case.
Anon
I like Taylor Swift’s music, but not Taylor Swift the person. She really showed who she is with this Matty Healy mess.
Anonymous
+1 on the beauty stuff. Botox isn’t self care, it’s poison you take because you bought into the notion you only have value if under some lighting conditions you appear young.
Anonymous
I totally agree and think this applies to kids as well as adults. Policy should focus on preventing the bad kids/adults from harming others, not on rehabilitating or coddling the bad apples. For example, instead of creating a “safety plan” whereby the entire class is forced to evacuate the classroom when one child has one of his regular violent outbursts, the school should remove that child from the mainstream classroom and place him in an alternative setting where he can only attack other kids with the same propensity for violence.
ACAB
How many teenagers are you mentoring? If none, you don’t get to complain about violence. And your policy ideas aren’t new. It is what we have now and the US has the highest rate of incarceration in the world. It is not working.
Anonymous
I have a kid in a school where other kids are allowed to throw chairs without repercussions and the rest of the students suffer. I also have teacher friends who are leaving the profession in droves over this kind of behavior. And I’m not talking about sending them to juvenile detention, just putting them in an alternative school environment where they can’t hurt normal kids.
Anon
yeah, let’s put them in an arena with weapons and have them fight. then at the end, we’ll only have to deal with one!
Anon
The working from home trend is bad for society. As an ADA accommodation? Fine. On an occasional basis? Fine. But vast swaths of society interacting with others through screens all day should be an option of last resort, not the default way we work.
Anon
I have mixed feelings on this. I absolutely love working remotely and it works amazing for me. But I also noticed lots of ill effects from the screen time. Right now, I have found a good balance making sure to limit my screen time outside of work, but still, eight hours a day at the computer is definitely a lot. The problem is that even if I went back to the office, I would still be at the computer screen for seven hours a day or more. The only difference would be the occasional in person meeting and those “water cooler conversations” I could honestly do without.
Anon
WFH gives me more time to spend with my family and friends. I don’t look to work for social interaction.
Anon
Right. I’m very sorry for the people who haven’t built rich and fulfilling lives for themselves outside of work (which is an intentional choice and not something that happens by accident). But it’s not part of my job description to go to an office just so I can help lonely people feel less lonely, and have to sit and nod and smile while Muffie from accounting tells me all about her big weekend taking her poodle to the dog show. When I don’t like Muffie, I don’t like poodles, I don’t like dog shows, and I don’t care about her life. Muffie needs to make some outside-of-work friends who want to listen to her stories. I’m at work to do a job, not to serve as a surrogate friend for people who can’t make friends outside of work. WFH has cut down on so much of the “social time” nonsense that I hated, that never mattered to me or helped me do my job, and I am eternally thankful.
Anon
:)
Anon
I hate this approach.
I have a very rich out-of-work life. I have hobbies and a really big circle of family and friends I socialize with regularly. I still think it’s abnormal to spend my entire workday alone at home interacting with no one.
I also WANT a friendly relationship with my coworkers, the barista in the coffee shop near my office, and other people I interact with.
Anon
+1. I’m secure in who I am and what is helpful for me. Listening to that self-involved jerk from accounting at the water cooler does not help me in any way. My life is richer without seeing him.
anon
12:27, exactly. My life is plenty fulfilling. But it is not healthy, for me at least, to go an entire workday with zero human interactions, except through a screen.
Anon
Then you should absolutely get out before or after the workday to talk with other people. Sounds like it would be great for you!
Anon
If you WFH, what is to stop you from joining a co-working space, taking a walk, or going out for a morning coffee and chatting with the barista?
Anon
I literally socialize after work every day. Still doesn’t make it healthy for me to not have human interaction before 6pm.
I don’t have friends who are able or willing to hang out before work (Which is fair!) and I can’t spend the money to go get coffee out.
I live alone. Know my neighbors and have several friends a 5-10 walk away. Still not doable.
Anon
Anon at 1:05 – why is this all about you, and what you need? What about other people who are different than you, and have completely different needs? Why do their needs not matter? Because you going into the office to get social interaction only works if other people are also there, and other people may not want to have to go to the office just because you get lonely during the day.
Anon
Good God. You are miserable. Please stay home.
Anon
anon at 1:01, buying coffee regularly and paying for a coworking space are not in the budget for many people, myself included.
If I WFH, I always take a walk before work but that doesn’t solve the human interaction problem.
Anonie
1:05 – there are tons of ways you can socialize before 6 p.m. without forcing yourself and all your coworkers to return to working 8 hours a day in an office:
– you could join a local walking group that meets up for exercise before work
– go to a free workout in a nearby park (I assume since you can’t afford coffee out, you also don’t have a gym membership, but if you do, go to one of the in person classes before work).
– meet up with a friend for lunch or coffee in a park during the day (bring your own since, again, you say you can’t afford coffee out which I assume also means you can’t afford lunch out).
– create an optional work networking lunch people can opt to join
– many churches have early-morning services you could attend.
– if you have a dog, take them to the dog park and chat with people there
– help out and tend a community garden early in the morning before work
– volunteer as a school crossing guard or for a walking school bus in your local community
– volunteer for an elder care organization or to deliver Meals on Wheels
Anon
Anon at 1:47: commuting is expensive in terms of both time and money. If you can’t afford a Panera subscription, you can’t afford to commute either!
Anon
Plenty of people (myself included) have walking or biking commutes or have employers who mostly or fully subsidize public transit commutes.
I’ve never commuted more than 20 minutes, so not terribly expensive time wise but at least a walking or biking commute is exercise and a transit commute allows you to read or something else.
Anon
100% agreed. And I’m so tired of the “I don’t wanna and you can’t make me” personality trait that has bloomed since March 2020 regarding in person work.
anon
Yes, yes and yessssssssssssss.
Anon
It’s not a personality trait, it’s people realizing that they prioritize their mental health and family time over sitting in an office 8-10 hours a day with people they don’t really like and would never, ever talk to outside of a work context. Sorry those priorities and boundaries are so inconvenient for you as an employer/boss, but I would get used to it: Gen Z employees are entering the workforce, and you haven’t seen anything like these kids before. If you’re older than 50 and set in your ways, and think people not living to work is a problem? I’d retire now, before you get a Gen Z working for you and end up having a stroke from the stress.
Anonymous
That’s all well and good until the next recession starts…
anon
Spending time with people that you wouldn’t otherwise interact with is good for you, actually, in terms of building empathy and compassion.
Also my Gen Z employees all actively want to be hybrid, not remote. Literally had a recent grad turn down one of our jobs because we were still fully remote at the time.
anon
I agree with you.
Anon
100% agreed.
Anonymous
Many aspects of WFH are horrible, but on the other hand it is giving my org access to a national job market and a much higher quality of applicant. I also appreciate not spending 2 hours commuting every day, and not being trapped in an office with sick people (I have an underlying medical condition that makes every cold turn into a multi-week bout of bronchitis).
Cerulean
I agree with this on a macro man’s societal lebel. I think so many of our social ills are from our lack of in-person connection.
Cerulean
A macro/societal level*
Anonymous
I feel like my phone’s autocorrect has been making some extremely… interesting choices these past two days, so may I offer you a high five for your correction?
Cerulean
My phone keeps suggesting “lebel” for “level”. What even is this nonsense!
Anon
I love remote work but I think the statistics about preteens and teens spending eight hours or more per day on their devices is really horrendous and the parents should do more to stop it.
Anon
Big “won’t SOMEONE pleeeeaaase think of the CHILLLDREN” vibes from this.
Are you a parent? I am, and I don’t know any kids who are on their phones 8+ hours a day because phones aren’t allowed in school and most kids are pretty busy outside of school with activities. Not everything you see in the news media is an actual problem, just FYI.
Anon
It’s not news media, but high-quality studies. Teens are spending about eight hours a day in front of screens and I think it’s freaking awful for them. But clearly this is an unpopular opinion with some 😉
Anon
IDK where you get your info but phones are definitely in middle and high schools. Buses routinely fail to show up, leaving kids stranded and needing to text (no one calls) for a ride.
Anon
Kids have phones, but they’re not using them during class.
Anon
“phones aren’t allowed in school”
*snort*
ACAB
Phone are allowed in school.
Anon
Not in my kids’ school. If your kids are allowed to be on their phones during classes all day every day, they’re not getting a very high-quality education (or are in a place where the adults in charge care about that) and you may want to think about changing them into an environment where people will actually care.
Anon
What did we ever do in the office besides interact with others through screens all day? The in-person interactions in my office were all basically breaks from work or pointless meetings (meaningful meetings were rare). I don’t really need an office to strike up a conversation about something inane, and it’s easier to actually get things done without the eighteenth meeting about the effect of a proposed name change on an acronym.
Anon
+1.
Anon
Those inane interactions are the way relationships are built.
Cerulean
Yeah, I get annoyed by the inane-ness of some of it, but this is so true. My employer has two campuses, and our smaller campus has just payroll and HR. I can’t tell you how many problems have occurred since we don’t have many in-person interactions. People are way more understanding and nuanced when they have an in-person relationship.
Anon
I haven’t found that to be true. To me, it’s one of those things that gets repeated over and over without ever getting challenged.
Anon
It just hasn’t worked that way for me at all in my career. I’ve built relationships by working with people on projects and we make the project successful, and then that leads to more opportunities. I have never gotten a job offer or promotion because I kept bumping into someone at the water cooler and made enough small-talk with them that they felt we had a “relationship.” For me, good work begets more work. Chatting people up does nothing (believe me, I’ve tried it).
Anon
It’s not just about career progression or work, although I still think that in person interaction helps. It’s about the interactions with everybody you encounter – the barista, the janitor, the parking lot attendant, etc., etc. It’s the stuff a society is made of. Anyway, I mind my own business. People who WFH can and should. I don’t judge it, but there are downsides, and I think they’re significant.
Anonymous
I used to work in an office. I never spoke to anyone because we all sat in separate offices. Now I have a new job that lets me live in the same city as my family and where my husband can also be employed, which would not be possible without work from home. I also interact with coworkers about 50% more. I chat with them all the time and we make small talk before and after meetings just like in the office, it just happens to be over a screen.
Anonymous
Im not doubting this is true for your office but this was absolutely not my experience.
Anon
Same. I actually talk to people?
Anon
+2, I don’t have a meeting heavy job so I was at a screen all day in the office and rarely had human interaction except occasionally saying hi to someone in the break room.
Also I think you can fix the interaction problem without forcing people to work from the office. My workplace is still mostly remote but started biweekly in-person happy hours.
Anon
I do have a fairly meeting-heavy job and by the time pandemic WFH hit, 80% of my meetings were on Skype because I worked on a large corporate campus and people figured out you could cram more meetings into a day if you didn’t have to block out time to walk from one building to another across campus, all day long. (Also contributive, probably: I work with a bunch of programmers, scientists and engineers who are not generally people-oriented and would look for any excuse not to meet in person, well before the pandemic). I didn’t love it then because there were days I never left my office – at least now, with WFH, I can take multiple 5-15 minute breaks a day and get outside and not be chained to my desk all day (“outside” was a 5-minute walk from my office in my old job). Between Skype meetings, working with datasets, writing papers, and email, 90% of my job has always been performed “behind a screen” so this comment doesn’t resonate for me, sorry.
I think if you’re in some kind of client-facing role, like being an attorney or being in sales, or something, this probably is difficult to understand, but – some of us really, genuinely do not need to be in-person to do our jobs. We actually do our jobs better not being in person because we have to concentrate and think really, really hard about complex problems, which is, for me, done better in isolation from other people.
Anon
Lots of things.
anon
I feel like WFH has been a contributing factor (along with other pandemic isolation) to the rise in polarization and “othering” by both ends of the ideological spectrum over the past 3 years. Too much time in our echo chambers not engaging with the full humanity of other people who are different than us.
I was reluctant to go back but I’m now in the office 2-3 days per week and I am noticeably happier and find that I have a more compassionate and caring outlook on my fellow humans.
Monday
I’ve never worked from home since I’m in patient care, but I think there’s something to this. Throughout Covid, I had to keep up functioning, face-to-face relationships with all of my coworkers, and hospital employees are a sociologically diverse bunch compared to some workplaces. It was a terrible experience for a lot of reasons, but we could not dehumanize each other.
Anon
I agree with this. If you have total control over the people you interact with, it’s easier to stay in your own echo chamber and othering those who think differently than you do.
Anon
But there’s a difference between working from home and always staying home. People who WFH still get out in the world. I do it more often because I’m not exhausted from long commuting.
Anon
I feel like my office was more of an echo chamber than any of my other social groups (especially in educational attainment I guess with a lot of cultural and socioeconomic correlates).
Anon
+100. I think it’s going to cause widespread problems in society.
Community connections have already been waning; wfh will only increase the isolation.
It’s really bad for city centers and all of the ancillary businesses like coffee shops and bars for happy hour.
Public transportation and the downtown in my city have gotten more dangerous as there are less “good” people around.
Anonymous
+100 – I’m super frustrated with it as it’s prompted so many Californians to move to my city driving up prices. It drives me nuts that they can all work for CA companies, making CA money, but paying my flyover area prices, but I have a job that requires me to work locally. And still make local money. And have to live like a pauper comparatively.
Anonymous
Ugh I feel so seen. My work friends (going out on a double date with one this weekend) were my only exposure to a ton of different cultures and worldviews. I’m a lawyer from the suburbs with kids and very basic taste in hobbies. I’m thankful for in person work for introducing me to them. I maintain relationships with my favorite people now that we’re remote but it’s sad that I’m not meeting new people as much.
Anon
I read Bowling Alone 20 years ago and feel like that has only hit the gas since then. No one joins anything anymore (competitive kids’ sports and pickleball being the only two exceptions I see anywhere). Mental health, and particularly youth mental health, are probably at all-time lows. The pandemic was just putting gas on this sad, sad fire.
Anon
I feel the opposite – most kids these days are way overscheduled and would benefit from way more downtime. I think that was actually one of the silver linings of the pandemic, although it’s mostly gone away now that everything is back to normal in even the most cautious areas.
Cerulean
I think about that book all the time.
Anon
I think this trend is just so sad.
I have a few theories as to why the “the greatest generation” was the last generation to be “joiners”. 1) without tv, video games, and the internet there just weren’t that many “fun” things to keep people home. If you’re reading or knitting or playing cards at home, it’s more fun to join up with others and have a book club or knitting group or weekly card game. I know it’s unpopular but I do think that the widespread popularity of tv, video games and the internet cause a lot of these problems. Obviously I’m not immune from this, since I’m commenting here. But, I’ve never owned a video game console and I watch about 2 hours of TV a week. People are shocked by this. I just prefer having fun to watching tv…
2) Most people had more time and more money back then than we do now. You couldn’t bring your work home with you, many families had a stay at home mom, kids sports were recreational and not all encompassing. A single income could support many families, with leftovers for a vacation.
3) my most controversial opinion about this is that with WW2 being the defining moment of this generations adolescence and young adulthood, this group was forced to rally behind a common cause, act for the greater good, and sacrifice. Our grandfathers were all drafted, which obviously is not ideal, but that meant that almost all men of a generation had a shared experience that they could bond over after the war. Unlike Covid, their shared experience forced civic ties to be built. That common goal and shared experience that was very civically minded I think really helped the mindset post-war.
Anon
A high school counselor once confessed she could get behind universal AmeriCorp because she feels like it could help build those civic ties. School itself is certainly not doing this for many.
anon
This is not at all the case in my social circles. Everyone’s kids are in plenty of activities, social sports are back in action and have plenty of participation, we go to trivia every week which we didn’t do before the lockdown, churches here are booming (parking lots full and the post-church rush hour is real), my class-based gym is packed, etc.
Anon
” as there are less “good” people around.”
By “good” I’m guessing you mean employed, housed, dressed nice, etc.? Awww, pobrecita. I am so sorry you are now being confronted daily with the fact that we have all kinds of people living in our society and not all of them look like, think like, or act like you! I’m sure that’s terribly difficult for you to handle.
Anyway, there was a really interesting article that came out the other day about how city centers that were centered around office buildings are suffering, but suburban neighborhoods and small businesses are thriving because people are home in their neighborhoods more during the day. They’ve been predicting the “death of the city” for awhile and it looks like pandemic-driven remote work is just going to accelerate that, but small cities, suburbs, and exurban neighborhoods will benefit. Not great for big commercial realtors, but hey – housing is in short supply and they can always convert office buildings to housing, if they don’t want to let the buildings sit vacant.
Anon
No by less “good” people I mean less people actively breaking the law on the subway. There has been a huge uptick in both legal and illegal antisocial behavior (smoking, intravenous drug use, harassment) and actual violence (rape, stabbings and shootings) on the subways in Philly.
I could care less what someone looks like or how they’re dressed, what their employment status is or if they’re housed or someone experiencing homelessness. I do care when I feel unsafe commuting every day.
I live in a city where the business district blends seamlessly into the residential and cultural areas downtown. As a center city resident, I’ve lost several shops and restaurants that I enjoyed.
eertmeert
” as there are less “good” people around.”
By “good” I’m guessing you mean employed, housed, dressed nice, etc.? Awww, pobrecita. I am so sorry you are now being confronted daily with the fact that we have all kinds of people living in our society and not all of them look like, think like, or act like you! I’m sure that’s terribly difficult for you to handle.”
Why would you A) make this assumption about the poster, and B) speak to them using this tone?
Sounds like you have a bunch of cognitive biases to unpack, starting with mind-reading, confirmation-bias, bias blind spot, illusion of validity, etc.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cognitive_biases
Anonymous
I think part of the answer is improve commutes. Better public transit, offices in locations that are easier to get to/closer to housing (it’s ok to put your office in a suburb instead of a downtown core). I don’t mind working in the office. I do mind wasting an hour commuting to and from.
Anon
Breastfeeding isn’t worth it.
Anon
My best friend is beating herself up endlessly for not having been able to breastfeed her child. There was a short time where she was so grateful to formula for the equal partnership it helped foster with her husband and for the way it helped her child thrive but now it’s all guilt and remorse. My unpopular opinion is that she spends way too much time on parenting Instagram thinking about what could be.
anon
Parenting Instagram can be really toxic, in that it creates unrealistic expectations and just more things for parents (let’s be real, moms) to freak out about.
Cerulean
My unpopular opinion is that Instagram parenting accounts do more harm than good.
Anon
That’s a very popular opinion, at least among the moms I know.
Anon
PREACH!
Seventh Sister
Hard agree. I would not have pumped in retrospect – just nursed during maternity leave. It made me miserable and the benefits just aren’t worth it.
Anony
I kinda agree. I wouldn’t necessarily say it isn’t worth it, but I do wish the narrative that it is the only way and you should be ashamed if you don’t, would stop. I have two daughters, 2 years apart: one was breastfed the other wasn’t. To be honest, the one that was not breastfeed was sick much less and is smarter. Do these things have anything to do with breastfeeding or not? I don’t know for sure, but it does make you think.
Anon
I loved breastfeeding. It was a huge hassle as a working mom, but with it for me. HOWEVER, I’m a huge believer in fed is best and you do what works for you.
The competitive moms trotting out their stories of how hard their epidural-free birth experiences were just so they could “win” are also the ones browbeating other moms about breastfeeding. You do you.
Anon
Leonardo DiCaprio – I don’t get it. Why is he a thing?
Anon
He’s so ugly
Anon
He’s like a bloated, bearded baby. I just don’t get it.
anon
lololol, I really agree.
Anonymous
Hahahahhahhah yes
Anon
Because he was so hot when he was in Romeo + Juliet.
Seventh Sister
I was watching it with my daughter and I’m like, “Unfortunately, now he is Dad’s age and goes after very young model-type girls. Remember your 30 Rock, that kind of thing is a dealbreaker. Date people around your own age.”
NYCer
LOL this really made me laugh.
Anon
He was cute in his younger days, but now? There are 10 guys wandering around my neighborhood Harbor Freight who look exactly like him. I don’t get the continued hype.
Anon
lol and hard agree
Anon
Also see: Pete Davidson
Anon
Hardcore liberal, but actually fine if the SC overturns affirmative action. It no longer serves its initial purpose.
Anon
Disagree
Anon
Some therapists are actually terrible and create more problems than they solve.
The problem is that if a patient says a therapist is bad, they are “not accepting” of the therapeutic model or are “unwilling to put in the work.” Yet therapists are people too, and many, training aside, bring their own crap to the table.
anon
Corollary: I think therapists and psychologists are, on average, more screwed up emotionally than the average upper middle class patient they serve. The two I know in my social circle (unscientific, I know) are s***cidal and into self harm.
Anon
I’m so curious about this. As a non-therapist, it seems like taking on other people’s burdens and problems for a living would only lead to a therapist’s own mental health issues.
Anon
My Anecdata says yes to this.
anon
as does mine.
Anonymous
The biggest bully I know is a psychologist.
Anon
Anecdotally, some of the women I know who became therapists did so because they have charmed lives and are completely convinced that other people can be just like them with their help.
Anon
So, narcissists? Lol
Anon
Some therapists encourage a victim mindset in their patients which does their patients no favors in the world.
Anon
YES! My brother’s therapist, who is in his 80s, has done exactly this.
Seventh Sister
My narcissistic MIL was a psychologist and is *absolutely* convinced that she has perfect mental health. At least my own therapist had the decency to look shocked when I told him what she did for a living.
I also think there are terrible therapists out there.
No Face
I think this is an incredibly popular opinion that underlies American policy making (e.g. death penalty and life sentence without parole, minimal funding for mental health facilities but huge amounts of funding for imprisoning undertreated people with mental illness, etc).
Anon
+10000000000000
Anon
Very unpopular opinion, from having lived in many different places: some places are poor and will always be poor because the culture supports having one’s head up one’s a$$.
As a less controversial example, very few people around here fix expensive goods (cars or houses). They don’t do the maintenance on them, and when they fall apart well before the end of their lifespan, that’s “just what happens.”
This also happens with personal issues. Mental health? Sweep it under the rug. Marriage problems? Husband doesn’t know what he’s doing in bed and refuses to learn? STFU because he isn’t abusing you. When your kid gets into drugs or you finally have enough and divorce, that’s “just what happens” and “nothing could prevent it.”
Anon
My parents are from a poor area and got out as fast as they could. Family ties keep a lot of people there, but they were amazed at how hard some people worked to get to big US cities (like learning a new set of setters and a new language and never seeing family again) whereas some people from their hometown would not take a bus an hour away where there are lots of opportunities. Rural SEUS where the military is often the one way people who have no access to education are able to leave; interestingly, it is an area popular with Hispanic immigrants / migrants who are revitalizing crumbling mainstreet-type no-stoplight towns.
Seventh Sister
My maternal grandparents grew up in poor little towns and while moving to the big (small) city was kind of traumatic to them, it was also 100% the right economic choice to make given their circumstances. My relatives who stayed have very few options.
Anon
This describes what I was trying to say – thank you. It’s a very passive mindset.
Anon 2.0
Well, I have a few… some serious and some not.
– Dave Ramsey gives terrible advice and is not a good human either. The people who follow him act as if they are in a cult.
– All businesses should be legally required to accept cash.
– Onions are disgusting and people get really offended by an adult hating onions. I am not picky! I will literally eat basically any veggie but those nasty suckers!
– Lastly, those gigantic water bottles that hold like a half-gallon are ridiculous and the water bottle equivalent of clown shoes.
Anon
We would be friends in real life. I co-sign all these except on onions (and I would happily accommodate your food preferences if requested!)
Anonymous
Dave Ramsey followers are in a cult.
Anon
Ha! I’d say all businesses should be required to take tap pay!
anonshmanon
the clown shoes comparison made me laugh!
Anon
We should be friends. I think Dave Ramsey gives some good advice that’s mixed in with nutty advice.
Anon
Dave Ramsey is a prosperity gospel right wing fundamentalist. The irony with that and with the fact that he gives financial advice is that his personal financial history is garbage.
Anonymous
Most pepeople are not good people and must be legislated and regulated into doing the right thing.
Anon
I think our society has made people this way.
Anon
Good news, current social policy in this country isn’t geared toward rehabilitating anyone!
Anon
Seriously, if we’re talking about USA. Not the criminals, not the cops, not anybody.
Anon
Celebrating personal milestones at work is dumb. I don’t want to have an office wedding shower or baby shower for a colleague.
Anon
I don’t even like going to our staff birthday lunches, and I *like* my coworkers!
Anonymous
Heh.
ACAB
Having exclusively represented people convicted of murder and other violent crimes, included juvenile offenders, for more than 15 years, I can affirmatively say that the number of them who are irredeemable is very, very small. Maybe less than 5% of them. They tend to be children whose were extremely deprived, neglected or abused before age 3. Having just one person who loves the abused child can make the difference in their capacity for change. Of course, the really really bad people are often CEOs, congressmen, or cops.
Anon
100% agree with your comment and your handle.
Anon
I totally agree too.
anon
+100
Anon
Agreed.
Anonymous
+1.
Anon
YES
We need to save the kids.
Anon
My unpopular opinion about this community: we have a lot of older women here who don’t seem to get modern fashion, modern workplaces, or modern parenting (by modern I mean: anything that evolved after about 1993) and I’m kind of getting sick of nearly every conversation about the above topics turning into “back in my day we…” I don’t care what you did in 1993 sorry. I am interested in how to be successful in the world we are living in right now, currently, which involves social media, cell phones, Zoom calls, virtual events, nap dresses, sandals worn to work and a whole bunch of other things that didn’t exist or “weren’t done” in 1993.
I would love it if people could reconsider posting their comment if the only purpose of the comment is to share how things were done “back in their day.” That day is long gone. So your contribution is of limited value. I don’t care if you had to work 40 hours a week at the bowling alley in the summer when you were 12 and you loved it, or if you never emailed people because email wasn’t a thing so you had to meet with everyone in person. It’s 2023. Let’s give advice for the year we’re in now. Not give advice about what was done 30 years ago.
Anon
I honestly have not seen a single post that started with “back in my day.” I will say that most bosses, judges, legislators, VPs, etc., are probably Gen X if not Boomers so I am not clear why young women would not want to hear what older women think about workplace expectations. Are you not working with or for women who are older than you? The only law school intern that I chose to give a recommendation to in my last job was the one who showed up every day and asked questions. She was invited to take part in meetings with others and I mentored her. The others did some work on the computer for me, mostly substandard, and I never got to know them. As for wearing sandals specifically, my brother is schizophrenic and highly intelligent. He has more than once commented on therapists and other professionals in his life wearing sexy sandals or low cleavage blouses and that it is distracting to him. I think we need to be more mindful of our clothing choices when we work with vulnerable or marginalized populations to include schools, prisons, and mental health units.
Anon
What a bizarre take. People with schizophrenia exist so we shouldn’t wear sandals?
Anon
Anon at 12:56. Another one who can’t read. Women in most professional settings are freer today to wear what they want. If you are working in a field where you are actively treating people with severe mental illness, you should have the brains and professionalism to establish a healthy boundary and that includes recognizing that some mentally ill men will find you attractive and its your job not to be confusing or send mixed messages. The jeans I wear to the prison are not the same jeans that I wear to the club because I have respect for my clients. Grow up.
Anon
Yikes! Your brother being distracted by women’s clothing has nothing to do with his schizophrenia.
Anon
You sound like you don’t know a lot about schizophrenia. Not everyone with schizophrenia experiences this, but it is a recognized symptom.
Anon
Please provide a citation. Google says schizophrenics are distracted in general. Women’s clothing isn’t mentioned anywhere. Schizophrenics, like everyone, are raised in our popular culture that s3xualizes women’s attire. Women aren’t distracting. Men are distracted. Those are 2 different things.
Coincidentally, I have bipolar II. When manic, I have often worn more provocative clothing. Maybe the schizophrenics should accomodate me?
Anon
Anon at 1:17. Are you a therapist? Can you read? I was talking about being at your job where your job is to be professional and meet the needs of those you serve. You bipolar and self-centered, too.
Anon
Thank you, anon at 1:05. The lack of common sense and empathy on this board never ceases to amaze me.
Anon
So many self-centered therapists wearing sexy sandals. Your poor brother!
Anon
Is the bipolar chic a therapist? I didn’t catch that. I thought she was just clueless.
Anon
Anon at 2:00. I wouldn’t say so many. Most therapists are professional, actually.
Anon
The “bipolar chic” here. Not a therapist. Never said I was. Still waiting for that citation!
Anon
Bipolar chic: the citation is his experience. People with mental illness have a harder time with social interactions. You are still a terrible disgusting person who can’t read.
Anon
I don’t need to look this up for you. It is something I learned from experiences that aren’t really my stories to tell, but I have not encountered a mental health professional who was unaware of the association between some (not all) cases of schizophrenia and specifically sexual distraction / obsession / whatever they call it when someone has enough disinhibition to be distracted but not to actually say anything. It is a real thing.
I am not sure what kind of clothes we’re talking about, but around me sometimes talk therapy is a kind of rich wife profession, and I have seen some outfits that look more like TV’s idea of professional clothing than actual professional clothing (body conscious, revealing, strappy high heels). I can see how that could be the wrong fit for some patients.
Anon
“it is a recognized symptom” from your brother’s experience. Got it!
Anon
I am the OP with the schizophrenic brother who you are harassing. The person who said that it is a recognized symptom and who took the time to explain more is not me. She is just a class act who understands the complexities of human nature. And please don’t insult us with your google searches.
Anon
Anon at 2:45. I would like to thank you because I am so emotionally upset by the cruelty here. Thank you for being a decent human being and explaining all of this better than I ever could. As for the clothing, one of his psychologists who was brilliant was also Latina and wore lots of strappy heeled sandals and body conscious clothing that was the norm in south Florida.
Anon
What does being Latina have to do with anything?
Anon
Congrats, it’s you, you’re part of the problem
Anon
That’s your brother’s problem, not mine.
Anon
IF you are his therapist and don’t care about his needs then you are one of the bad people being discussed above. You are also lying if you say you aren’t wearing sandals to be sexy.
anon
Sandals are sexy? WTAF, no they are not.
Anon
Maybe you are wearing TEVAS. But if you don’t know there are people buying feet pics out there you are living under a rock. Feet are sexy to many people. Duh?
Anon
Selling feet pics is completely different than a professional woman in a professional setting doing her job. Your brother needs to learn to differentiate that different settings have different expectations. Please stop sexualizing women’s feet at their job.
Anon
yOuR bRoHteR nEedS tO LeArN. Actually, he is more self-aware than most people after many years with a good pyschiatrist. Some of what he has told me is based on his earlier experiences when he was first diagnosed with unprofessional young therapists who sent mixed flirtatious messages. What part about serving a sick population is confusing to you? Get some empathy for people who suffer.
Anon
I guarantee you his therapists aren’t flirting with him.
Anon
hahahahahaha! I guarantee you that he was drop dead gorgeous when he was 22 years old you nasty person. Today, not so much. What makes you think professional women don’t do that? Seriously. I want to know what gross part of you equates mental illness with not being attractive.
Anon
Um, are you sure your brother is the schizophrenic one? You’re the one who sounds delusional and paranoid.
Anon
Therapists aren’t flirting because they’re at work. With a client. It doesn’t matter what the client looks like. They aren’t there to find a date. They aren’t there to look sexy in sandals. There are many professional standards against dating your clients. They could lose their licenses. Not every interaction a woman has with a man is s*xual in nature. Sad you haven’t taught this to your brother.
Anon
You are truly despicable. What kind of person says things like that? I literally told you that my brother suffers from one of the most dehabiliting mental illnesses and you are making fun? Really??? And, there are teachers, prison guards, and psychologists who have had sex with their clients or patients. It is not that uncommon.
Anon
Wow, just wow. Your bother isn’t the only one who is not in touch with reality.
Anon
Raise your hand if you had “this thread will devolve into a nasty fight about schizophrenia and sandals” on your bingo card for today. Oh, wait – no one? Nobody had that? Yeah – me neither.
Anon
“Sexy Schizophrenic Sandals” wouldn’t be a bad name for a band or a particularly bright shade of nail polish.
Anon
TIL: Some prison guards have sex with inmates, so therefore every woman therapist wearing sandals is being sexual toward her clients.
Anon
Anon at 2:59. No one said that. I said that professional women may want to think about their clothing when their job is to serve vulnerable men. I was responded to the one who thinks that no therapist would flirt with a 23 year old patient.
Anon
I seriously feel someone could take that entire exchange and turn it into some kind of surrealist-existentialist one-act play. Two people dressed all in black, shouting non-sequiturs about schizophrenia, sandals, prison guards and societal perceptions of sexiness at each other across an all-black, bare stage.
Anon
Anon at 3:21. It is really good that you find it amusing. The one decent poster wrote above: “something I learned from experiences that aren’t really my stories to tell, but I have not encountered a mental health professional who was unaware of the association between some (not all) cases of schizophrenia and specifically sexual distraction / obsession / whatever they call it when someone has enough disinhibition to be distracted but not to actually say anything. It is a real thing.” Do better.
Anon
Anon at 3:30: you have lost all sense of perspective and sense of appropriateness in regards to this conversation, and I strongly urge you to shut your computer/put down your phone and walk away from this. Go get some fresh air. You are way off the rails here.
Anon
Anon at 2:52 – BRB gonna go make a logo for “The Sexy Schizophrenic Sandals” and put it on a t-shirt and sell t-shirts on Redbubble
OR: I’m gonna go do a custom nail polish color that goes with the name – I’m thinking a bright fire-engine red with a green prismatic effect that shows up in the light.
anon
Um, I suspect there are very few people here who were parenting or in the working world in 1993. You really think there is a big community of posters here who are (doing rough math) 50+? I’m aware of maybe two? Also, women who are in their 40s and 50s are in most cases still actively parenting and still in the workforce – in fact, that’s the likely demographic of your bosses, so yes, what we think matters.
Anon
“You really think there is a big community of posters here who are (doing rough math) 50+?”
Yes. It’s way more than two.
And what you think matters as long as it’s not mired in the tired, toxic mindset “that’s not the way we did it back in the day.” If that’s the only thing you can contribute to the conversation, that’s not useful.
Anon
Have fun telling your bosses that their expectations are part of a tired toxic mindset that you don’t want to hear about anymore!
Anon
My bosses have enough self-awareness, humility, and good sense to realize that telling people how things used to be done isn’t helpful or valuable, and focusing on how we can leverage current technology, trends, ideas, etc. is much more helpful to innovating and moving our company forward. I’m sorry your direct reports apparently aren’t in that same situation – that must be very frustrating for them.
Smokey
There are many more than two of us here who are over 50! But I agree with the poster who said that “back in the day” posts on this site are non-existent or at least uncommon. And what’s so bad about hearing from a wide range of ages? It’s bad enough to become invisible as you age in our society, but really sad to hear within a community such as this that, as an older woman, your opinion doesn’t matter or is not wanted.
Anon
Smokey. My husband is a Boomer. He has commented that he can’t remember himself, Gen X or the millennials thinking that the older generation was completely useless the way it is now. Sure, the hippies did reject the establishment. But I have noticed that people my son’s age (23) seem to actually believe that everything they need to know they can learn from the internet and that therefore, there is nothing they need learn from older people. Personally, I mentored many millennial woman who have thanked me 10 years later for the time I spent with them. I haven’t found many younger women worth my time, unfortunately.
Anon
Your 23 year old son isn’t a Millennial. He’s Gen Z. I’m a 40 year old millennial who greatly values mentorship (giving to Gen Z and receiving from more senior generations)!
Anon
Congrats, Gen X. You’ve gotten to the age where you complain about kids these days. Plato did it, and every other generation since then. There’s nothing new about kids these days, they’re just as clueless and headstrong as every other young adult has ever been since the beginning of time, this is just the first time that *you* are experiencing it from the position of being An Old.
And ffs, millennials are in their 30s and 40s, stop being lazy and lumping everyone younger than you into one group.
Anon
lol. Anon at 2:21 and 2:18. Duh. My son is Gen Z. He and most of his friends are lovely to be around. But my experience with the law students his age has been terrible. And I supervised brand new graduates in 2002 who were head and shoulders above them in terms of work ethic and ability to write a sentence. The women – millenials – who I mentored are now in the late 30s and early 40s now have children. I don’t know why either of you thought I was confused about the age categories.
Also, going back to the folks on this thread who thinks some people are just bad – I hired a 40 year old ex-inmate as a paralegal because, frankly, the recent grads with paralegal certificates were not cutting it.
Anon
I was so distracted by the wrong assumptions about my perception of the age ranges that I realized you missed the point entirely. It was not about complaining about the younger people so much as we are suprised by how much Gen Z seems to hate people who are older. I mean, when I was 24, I looked up to the older women in the office. And my experience with the Millienials is that they, too, look up to older women. But THIS thread was started by a Gen Z who is angry at older women for sharing their experience ont his board. Poor little Gen Z is having to share social media with grannies! Waa.
Anon
I can only think of a handful of “regulars” over 50, but yeah I think there are quite a few people who are reading/commenting who are 50 or getting close to it. This community is growing up! It was founded in 2008. I was in law school at the time, but many people were already in the workforce and that was 15 years ago, so yea…lots of people here in their 40s.
Anonymous Grouch
Get off my lawn. And keep in mind that if you’re the 23 year old who wore short-shorts in the office this past Tuesday, your supervisor was VERY interested to hear about it, and will be having a talk with you about appropriate attire in a client-facing environment. Work is not a fashion show. Sorry if that makes me an out of touch old lady, but your career advancement is on hold until you demonstrate an understanding of adult office norms.
Anon
Wow, so impressive that you were born knowing workplace norms! Congratulations on never having to learn them.
Anon
Everyone knows that short shorts are not appropriate in the office.
I’m the first person in my family to ever have an office job. There’s a lot I had to learn. I never had to learn not to wear short shorts.
Anon
I think you should do whatever you want, but the male execs are not wearing sandals to the office.
Anon
THIS! And, for the record, I do work with a well-known psychiatrist who does wear his birks at conferences and women comment on his sexy feet all the time. Men are also not wearing leggings or crop tops or tanks. I always find it amusing when women dress in an outfit they know is sexy then they get sad when someone notices. At least own it, FFS!
Anon
“Women comment on his sexy feet all the time.” Really???? You know some weird af women.
Anon
I am not lying. I mean, he is good looking in general.
Anon
Yeah, obviously because they’re too sexy and the women won’t be able to control themselves.
Anon
“I’m too sexy for my sandals, too sexy for my sandals, too sexy yeah…” is now in my head!
The Original Sandals Poster
Nope. Because they are not officewear.
Anonymous
Right. And if you think the fact that understanding appropriate dress for work is only really confusing for women is an accident, think again.
Anon
Men should not be wearing sandals anywhere. Man feet are gross.
Anon
So uns*xy!
Anonymous
Ah, but some of them wear socks with the sandals. My now-retired colleague used to wear black socks with his Birks Mon-Thurs and white socks on Fridays. In case you couldn’t guess, we are all social scientists.
Anon
Not the psychiatrist’s feet! His feet are objectively sexy.
Anon
Comparing women’s sandals and men’s sandals is comparing apples to oranges.
Women can wear sandals a lot of places men cannot. I wear heeled sandals out to nice dinners, to weddings, to work. Men cannot wear sandals in any of those environments. The norms around when to wear sandals and the sandals themselves are different. Men’s sandals are only casual, women have plenty of fancier sandal options. The same goes for sleeveless shirts.
Anon
Stop wearing heeled sandals. Men can’t take the temptation.
Anon
I never wear sandals or sleeveless shirts to court or the jail because they not appropriate. Both are fine in some offices, like a university setting.
Anonymous
Wow, really bad workplace attitude. You are clearly very inexperienced and should be looking for advice wherever you can find it.
Anon
Cool story bro. But I’m 50 and the one who determines both your bonus and your next promotion. Whether you want to listen to my advice or not is totally your call, but yeah, I’m going to make my decisions in part on how I perceive you and your contribution to the company. So if you’re wearing sandals and nap dresses and texting clients without using punctuation in this particular organization, there is a good chance I’m hearing about that from the clients and yeah…that’s why you didn’t get that bonus. But your 24-year-old colleague who is wearing a top that covers her belly button and is not looking down at her phone during the meetings (in person or on Zoom)? She’s definitely getting more than you.
Anon
It’s so gross that you think this way, and that you think thinking this way is even marginally acceptable. Really examine about why you feel it’s okay to be vindictive and judgemental toward other people, and withhold rewards from them because you have the power to do so. Also, see above on the research regarding psychopaths who have no empathy for other people: you might find the research enlightening reading.
Anon
Anon at 3:12: are you the bipolar chic again? Thinking that rewarding professional behavior is without empathy?
Anon
Anon at 3:51 – you really, really need to calm down. Go outside and breathe into a paper bag for a few minutes, you’ll feel so much better afterward.
Anon
It is really gross you call someone bipolar chic as an insult for sharing her experience (you know you mean chick, right, unless you’re complimenting her chic style). But want everyone else to dress differently for your brother because he is vulnerable.
Anon
Bipolar chic is a liar.
Trish
It must be so hard for you to have to be on a site where women old enough to be your mother share our experiences. I apologize for existing. I will go back to Facebook now.
Anon
No one needs to apologize for existing, but an apology for being crotchety and/or having a know-it-all attitude wouldn’t go amiss. I’m not speaking specifically about you, Trish.
But also – people still use Facebook?
Trish
Lol. Yes, I’m on FB. It’s the main way I keep in contact with distant relatives and old friends.
Anonymous
I’m in my late 20s and I love hearing the advice here, especially from older women. They are the ones evaluating me, so of course I want to know what they think is appropriate or not!
Anon
I used to think most people were inherently good, with a few bad apples thrown in. Now I think that the truly good people are the minority, most people are sort of neutral, and some people (more than I previously thought) are truly just bad.
Anon
Sadly, I agree.
Anon
If you accept a mediocre life, you will have a mediocre life. If you push yourself for a “better” (whatever that looks like to you) life, you will have a better life.
It’s almost entirely mindset, attitude, and drive / work ethic.
I can’t believe how often I come across people who are settling: a job they’re overqualified for or doesn’t pay them enough for the life they live, a relationship they’re not happy in, weight gain that crept up over the years that they don’t like, a boring life where they spend their entire evening every evening watching tv.
Anonymous
This is a privileged mindset. The most driven person I know worked hard for years for a better life. She is now disabled through no fault of her own, living in subsidized housing and constantly calculating if she can afford to take that next freelance job or if it will be the one that results in her benefits being cut off. And she is not the only example in my life of how mindset, attitude and work ethic do not magically create a better life without a lot of other things also going right for you.
Anonymous
+1 this is so so true. if your life hasn’t been touched by disability you are privileged.
let alone the people who thought their ideal, non-“mediocre” life would be married with kids and vacationing around the world when in fact they’re single watching their friends do that, through no fault of their own.
Seventh Sister
I agree with you that some people just suck/are bad, but I don’t think there is much rehabilitation focus or rehabilitation happening in US social policy. Even good people can be painfully limited.
anon
Generally people are responsible for their own problems in life. Obviously we’re born with different advantages or lack thereof, and just b/c someone caused their own problem doesn’t necessarily mean they shouldn’t have support or help. I’m not a monster. But generally your average person has much more control to improve their circumstances than they typically take, and that’s not really my job to fix.
Oh, and I’m a liberal POC that supports social programs where they make sense, and I’m a total bleeding heart. but still I am tired of ppl being dissatisfied with things they can definitely improve
Seventh Sister
I’m with you on this one. Also, I think being happy/content is a choice, at least to an extent.
Anon
Completely, 1000% agree with this. Some people will never be happy because they choose to focus on the things in their life that are negative, deficient, or not-what-they-expected.
Anon
If this were a sport, my ex husband would be an Olympian.
Anon
I have three coworkers who all have college degrees who do jobs that you only need a GED for and they’ve done these jobs for years. I don’t believe that over the last 5+ years a “better” job hasn’t been a possibility.
I have another coworker who is senior to me (she must make at least 90k in a MCOL area) and is taking money out of her 401k because “money is tight” but she buys breakfast and lunch out (and I’m assuming dinner too) every day and also buys 1-3 drinks a day from the coffee shop, convenience store, or vending machine every day.
Another coworker is upset about his weight but about his weight and health. Yet he drinks 2 non-diet sodas a day and mostly eats very unhealthy foods as well.
Anon
Poverty is exhausting. That’s why many people can’t get out of situations of their own making.
anon
I really don’t like this as an excuse. I (OP at 12:29) grew up in poverty and have tremendous empathy for that set of challenges, and while I agree that it’s exhausting and traumatic and all of that can be very limiting, I still believe that most people can reasonably be expected to do better than they are.
Anon
I also grew up in poverty, and I think it is exhausting, and also expensive. My car insurance went way up ($600/yr more) when I moved to a poorer zip code.
Seventh Sister
Having a doctorate in education doesn’t mean you are head and shoulders smarter and better than veteran teachers or administrators.
Anon
A doctorate in education is a pretend doctorate. It’s a job certification, nothing more.
Anon
YES.
Seventh Sister
Yeah, I’d buy that.
Anon
Talking on the phone is not a big deal and people who are too anxious or whatever to do so need to gtfo themselves. There are so many times when a quick 5 minute phone call is easier than a whole day of back and forth emails. I think this is largely generational thing, but I say this as a member of the Oregon Trail generation!
Anon
Hard yes to this.
Anon
I’m a young millennial who is medicated for anxiety and I agree with you.
Even if you don’t like talking on the phone, part of life is doing things we don’t like.
Anonymous
+1000 to “part of life is doing things we don’t like.” I feel like that right there is the biggest truth that people currently fail to see (or admit).
anon
Agree. It is a basic life skill.
Anonymous
100 billion percent agreed.
Moose
Ohhhhh yes to this. In my early thirties, and this really rubs me the wrong way. Like, how do you function in adult life if you can’t make a call?! Not everything can be found on a store’s website, and not all places do online reservations, appointments, etc….
Anon
That 9 times out of 10 there’s something better to do than watch tv. If you come home at night and watch tv for your entertainment you’re probably a boring person.
Anonymous
Hard agree. Including local news.
Anon
OMG yes. I do not watch TV and people are SHOCKED when I say this. Until my now-husband moved in, I did not own a TV or have any streaming services (I occasionally would go to the movies).
anon
When people travel all the time, as part of a “lifestyle,” it makes me wonder what’s so bad in their life at home that they’re trying to get away from.
Anon
Relatedly, if you have to be listening to music or podcasts all the time because you’re incapable of existing in silence/dealing with your own thoughts/handling boredom, I’m gonna judge you.
Anon
Meh, my life is overall pretty great and I’m not running away from anything, but I love to travel and I have plenty of time and money so I do it frequently. When people criticize it, I think it often comes from a place of envy. There aren’t many Americans my age (40s) who have the combination of time and money to travel like I do.
Anon
It’s totally envy, and sometimes that envy is: I wish I wasn’t so afraid to leave my comfort zone and experience new things that might challenge my ideas about the world. I see this in some of my own family members.
Anon
People are so weird about travel. We travel a lot on modest incomes because we prioritize it. My boss is constantly making passive-aggressive comments about how I must be so much richer than him because I do all this travel and he can’t even afford to take his wife to Paris for their milestone anniversary. My dude, you live in a super fancy house, drive a luxury car, put your kids in private schools and constantly buy concert and sports tickets. You could take your wife to Paris if you wanted to, but it’s not how you choose to spend your money. And/or there’s an underlying fear of the unknown like the other poster said.
Anon
I think that many progressives have their heart in the right place but end up tokenizing people of color in the workplace and elsewhere.
anon
As a POC, I agree. In some instances it’s enough to make me prefer interacting with a less well intentioned group of conservatives who expect me to assimilate. At least they generally leave me alone/interact with me normally/don’t want to hear about my identity all the time. Would be so much better if everyone could just meet somewhere in the middle.
Anon
Hard agree.
Anon
I think a lot of people want to do the right thing, and adopt behaviors, terminology, etc. but ultimately are too selfish to really examine their own outlook and actions.
anon
Being honest about negative aspects of our national history is good and important, but the current heavy messaging that American history is nothing but white supremacy, colonialism, and exploitation is actively bad for our future as a country. We are a nation based on an idea and are highly diverse (vs nations that grew organically out of their geographic location, like Ireland, or that are highly homogenous demographically) and that means national myths serve a role for us that they don’t serve for other countries. If our dominant national myths become overwhelmingly negative, then we lose one of the things that holds us together.
Anon
I really wish white people would just take a big step back, whether it’s white people who feel guilty or white people who feel defensive.
Anon
The dominant national myth is one created by white men…
Anon
It’s been really great for them! Not so much others. It’s good to recognize that.
Anon
I agree with this. We have way too much division and focus on what makes us different in a country that has an enormous amount of diversity. We need some things to bond us together, but open to debate on what those narratives are.
Anon
I’m reading the “Dawn of Everything” with this in mind. Some of the arguments on how American culture in particular coalesced were new to me.
Anon
I was waiting for the flat-out racist “unpopular opinion” to show up and here it is, congrats anon at 12:54!!
Anon
but they were lies
Anon
Most bosses don’t care about you and see you as dispensable. They don’t value expertise or commitment. There will always be someone younger and cheaper than you willing to work insane hours to get the job done. Then a labor shortage occurs, and it is somehow the worker’s fault for being lazy and not wanting to work.
Anon
As a public servant in a helping profession who makes 60k working long hours, I do judge people who make a lot of money in jobs that don’t do anything for society.
Anon
100%.
Anonymous
I judge people who work for evil companies very harshly.
Anon
And as an underpaid public servant two things that I hate hearing are a) throw money at it (I don’t have extra money) or b) at least you have a pension (that’s a joke) or c) why don’t you just sell out and get a higher paying job? Someone still needs to do this work!
Anon
We shall dry our tears with our money.
Anon
This attitude is certainly not helping…
Anon
She’s being honest. I respect that more than the pretenders.
Anonymous
yeah but what do you qualify as helping society? lots of different ways to interpret that, including having enough money to allow your children to go into those martyr jobs.
Anon
I went into public service without family help. I’m the only one in my family with a college degree. I make more money than anyone in my family ever has, when I cracked 6 figures at $105K.
Anonymous
Unpopular Opinions:
1) AirBnB and VRBO are destroying communities, driving up housing prices, and should be banned.
2) People who complain about being “too busy” to volunteer/join civic organizations/contribute to their communities are actually just lazy.
3) People who live and work in the Bay Area should be compensated more highly than people who live in remote locations and work for Bay Area companies. There should not be an incentive to work remotely. Remote work is fine, but it is not better for the company than in-person work, and should not be compensated as if it were.
4) Social media should be banned for anyone under the age of 25.
anon
2) I’d argue it’s selfishness more than laziness.
Anon
Totally with you on the short-term rental companies. With the obvious crisis of affordable housing in this country, it is immoral for companies (or individuals) to hoard a bunch of properties they don’t even live in.
Anon
Isn’t #3 already true? I know many large tech companies have location-based pay scales and pay you a lot less if you live in, say, Raleigh NC vs the Bay Area or NYC.
Anonymous
In no particular order:
1) broccoli is an abomination
2) undergraduate degrees are worthless and should not be a requirement for any job
3) we should stop infantilizing young adults. people are capable of rational thought before age 40 and it’s ridiculous to withhold respect and opportunity from young people just because they’re under 30
4) but also kids these days should get off my lawn
5) there’s a lot of internalized misogyny on this board and I’m pretty tired of the piling on
Anon
Omg yes, SOOO much internalized misogyny. Worse than in other places IMO.
anon
+10000
Anon
Haha I love all of these except the first one! I’ll take your extra broccoli :)
Anonymous
Try soy sauce on your broccoli. It’s amazing.
Anon
I had a long talk / argument with someone about whether or not college-aged individuals needed ‘chaperones’ when travelling to a different city for some kind of school-related activity. I was aghast that this was a thing, but the individual was insisting that they were still “just kids” who could not be trusted to manage themselves, and that these students’ parents expected and demanded that college staff or faculty be available 24/7 to assist these ADULTS with leaving campus for a few days.
Anon
I think undergraduate degrees have gotten worthless because many schools pump out graduates who are so unimpressive.
I did my undergrad and my first graduate degree at hood school and now am getting my second grad degree at a local state university because it’s so cheap. Oh my god the quality of my classmates’ work is embarrassing. These are working professionals who are also graduate students and they cannot write to save their lives, their critical thinking skills leave much to be desired and some of their posts on our discussion board are honestly hard to understand.
So yeah if someone can get through college writing the way they write, the degree is indeed useless.
Anon
I don’t think Beyonce is spectacular. Her music is fine but that’s all.
Anon
I truly don’t get the hero worship of any celebrity but it seems especially hyped up for both Beyoncé and Taylor Swift
Anonymous
I think Destiny’s Child would have been competitive in any high school talent show.
Anon
Recommend the SNL skit The Beygency if you haven’t seen it. What happens to people who say something negative about her!
Anon
This reminds me of another unpopular opinion of mine – I hate SNL!
anon
Generations that will not have to live with the impact they are making on society should not be in a position to make decisions that will outlive them ex: Boomers shouldn’t legislate climate change
Anon
Amen.
Anon
Or Social Security.
Anon
I’m 38 and TTC, and I’m sick of hearing comments about how being an older mom will be sooooo hard. I hear this from people who had kids in their early 20s-yes I’m sure you had a difficult time because you didn’t have education or a stable career. I hear “do you want to be 45 and taking a kid to kindergarden?” Yes, why not? Why is that bad?
Anon
I see this and will raise you that I hate when people say “just you wait” or “it only gets worse” about any aspect of parenting. That kind of negativity is not helpful to anyone.
Anon
Oh dear! I guess misery loves company.
anon
People are the worst, it gets better as they get older- signed mom of older kids.
Good luck TTC <3
Anon
Thank you!
Anon
I had my first and only at 39. My perspective:
The physical parts are hard. Your recovery from pregnancy may be a lot slower than even that of women who are 34. The body just takes longer to heal.
Getting up at night is rough. It is just plain hard to not get a full night’s sleep.
The idea that your kid might be in a rough spot of parenting their own infants while shuttling your 80-year-old self around to medical appointments.
The good and bad: total inability to put up with other people’s crap opinions regarding how to parent. On one hand, the Mom Guilt Industrial Complex is easy to ignore. On the other, people you interact with in daily life will treat you like you’re a 25 year old flake, try to boss you, and will be really condescending (because in their world, moms are young twits).
The good:
Everything else. Patience, perspective on your own childhood, hopefully marital and financial stability.
The ability to reject all the crap and parent the way you want to parent.
Hopefully, you’ve done a lot with your life. Everything feels new again, seeing it through your kid’s eyes. You don’t feel like you’re missing out on life by having kids.
Anon
I think the physical part really depends on the person. I had kids at 32 and 38 and nothing about the second pregnancy was harder. The vast majority of my friends found their second pregnancy more tiring, but it was because they had a young toddler underfoot at the same time, so of course they were exhausted. I think if it’s your first baby or if your older child is school age, it’s not necessarily any harder the second time around.
Anon
I truly don’t understand why anymore has a kid in their 20s by choice.
Anon
Truly. I had my kids in early-mid 30s which was ideal for me. But given a choice between becoming a mom at 25 and 38, I would choose 38 in a heartbeat. I needed to have my 20s to be selfish.
Anon
Thank you! I would have preferred 35 over 38, but life happened. I was literally up for a big promotion at 34 and was asked inappropriate questions about would I need to take a maternity leave soon. I needed to further establish myself, which I’ve done, before I’m in a position where it’s possible to have a child. At 25, I was still in grad school and barely taking care of myself! Let alone another human!
Anon
Good luck with TTC, hope it goes well! And I’m sure it’s location dependent, but fwiw I had my first at 32 and am definitely a “young mom” for my area. It is very common to have babies between 38 and 42 here.
Anonymous
The fact that a nonprofit has high “administrative” costs is not alone a good reason to withhold donations from it, especially if the organization is merely paying its employees fair market salaries or the mission heavily involves providing human services to the community (vs. providing goods). Nonprofit employees do not owe it to anyone to work for less and if you assume their work will (should) be provided for less than that of people who work at for-profit companies (esp. those that do more harm than good), you should check your values.
Anon
As a lifelong non profit employee, THIS!! If the overhead is high they’re likely paying staff a reasonable wage. I avoid donating to orgs with really low overhead, it can’t be good for their employees!
Anonymous
Donors can choose to donate where they want to, and this is one metric they are free to use if they choose to compare nonprofits.
Anon
I think peanut butter is disgusting. And that most Americans have no idea there is a functioning world outside the US.
Anon
AITA?
A very, very dear friend of mine experiencing dire circumstances (like, on welfare and unable to pay the bills through no fault of his own dire) asked us for a $30k loan two weeks ago. Friend is like a brother to me; my husband likes him well enough, but has like 3 people on this planet he’s close with. After being unable to find employment in his field for 9 months, my friend needs to work and support his family, so he wanted to buy a Chevy Suburban and become an Uber Black and other VIP driver. (We’re in DC, so there’s a market for this.) My husband balked and said no way. A couple days later, my husband changed his mind said he couldn’t tell me what to do with my money, so if I wanted to make him the loan out of MY funds, I was welcome to loan him $20k. We viewed it as investing in a business for friend and getting him on his feet. An extravagant “teach a man to fish,” if you will. (And yeah, a loan of that size is a joint decision in our marriage, even if it’s “my” money.)
On Friday, friend’s daily driver that he uses for regular Uber simply turned itself off(!!) on the highway while he was taking a passenger somewhere. After towing it to a mechanic, the car turned itself on NBD, because of course it did, but now it’s not safe for Uber (or anything). Friend’s had lots of problems with this car – a used car of sketchy origin.
I sat down with him Sunday and said, “Look, you still want to work in your field, you’re not sure about this Uber Black thing, why not trade in the car that’s given you so much trouble, and combine our money to get a reasonable used car for daily use that you can also use for Uber while you continue to look for work.”
Friend has invented a sort of hybrid scenario where he does some executive taxi work and regular Uber work while he looks for a day job. Friend insists that this can absolutely, positively ONLY be done in a brand new Toyota Highlander ($45k+) – any other used car, any mileage at all – is unacceptable. (He says he’s scarred after the problems he’s had with this used car – well, yeah, dude, it’s not that it’s used, it’s that you bought a sketchy car from one of those sketchy corner lots.) And friend refuses to trade in the daily driver, which is paid off, saying he has a mechanic friend who can fix it for $1000 or less if he just leaves it with him for a month or two until he has time to tinker with it.
A Highlander, new or otherwise, doesn’t qualify for Uber Black, just regular Uber with regular Uber earning potential, and we don’t have any info on this executive taxi thing. So in our view, no, we don’t want to give you a loan for this. Trade in the sketchy car and get a reasonable daily driver if you’re doing it part time. We were willing to help with a Suburban when it was going to be his new business. But funding a brand new Highlander for a part-time/temporary gig isn’t what we signed up for. Friend said he thought we were giving him $20k for a car and why does it matter which car. Words were said, tears were shed, feelings were hurt.
We have NO doubts about friend’s ability to pay back the loan eventually. Friend is like a brother.
The whole thing is one giant example of why not to mix loved ones and money. Sigh. But I feel wretched because I love this friend and his family (he has young children to support) like my own family and I’m feeling awful about how things went down. Thanks for any thoughts.
Cerulean
If he wants to make real money chauffeuring, Uber is not the way to do it. This is a terrible business plan. I think you’re far too involved in this. Offer to give a flat sum as a gift if you feel so compelled. Never ever ever lend to friends or family.
Cerulean
And I also think that there’s more to his financial problems than you might know. He seems to have made some bad decisions previously and sounds like he thinks he’s entitled to your money.
Anon
Yeah, can’t find a job for 9 months? There’s something fishy going on.
Anon
I got a car-service ride recently on a business trip and the driver and I got to chatting – I asked if he did Uber and he said he used to, but he made so little money that it was a better business decision for him to go to work for the car-service company as a 1099 contractor. As in, he was making 3x with the car service than he did driving for Uber. Now that Uber is no longer subsidized by venture capital, they’ve really changed the economics for drivers, and few drivers are finding that it’s worth it to drive for Uber given drastic increases in gasoline, car maintenance, cars themselves, etc.
OP – I have friends who I consider to be my brothers. I would not loan them money for this endeavor. I would give them a $10k gift to make sure they could pay for food and rent for awhile longer while they figure out their next career move. But this plan is cockamamie, at best, and isn’t something you should get involved with. Be pragmatic here, and figure out some other way to help your friend.
Anon
This is absurd. In case you haven’t noticed, he’s demanding a better car because it’s your money, not his.
Also, Uber is not a business, sorry not sorry. It’s a side hustle and like all side hustles, is a supplement to income.
In order for him to make enough money to pay back any of these loans, he would be driving for Uber so much that he couldn’t have time to find a normal job or improve his skills in other ways.
anon
I am completely confused. I think your love for this friend is clouding your judgment on loaning that much money for a very sketchy plan.
anon
This.
Anonymous
Yes – this was a terrible business plan. He needs to get a job at Starbucks and figure out his life from there.
anonshmanon
yes. You may not doubt his intention to pay back the money (although even brothers sometimes let each other down when it comes to that!), but there is intention and there is likelihood. This isn’t going to work.
Anon
NTA
Anonymous
Omg stop being insane. No. Don’t give him 45k don’t give him 30k don’t give him 20k. Don’t give him anything he is taking advantage
Anon
This
Anonymous
+1 Is he suggesting that you are the a*h* for hesitating (or refusing) to lend him mid-5 figures of money? That’s way over the line. Frankly, it sounds like you know an additional loan would be a bad financial decision and are trying to figure out how to proceed without damaging the friendship. I don’t think there is a way to do that. Even if you lend him the money you would resent his behavior (at least I would). In your shoes I would not give an additional loan and try to repair the damage to the friendship in the future.
Anon8
NTA. Honestly I think your only misstep was considering lending this friend such a hefty sum in the first place. No matter how dear of a friend he is, the fact that he changed his mind so many times about what kind of car he was getting is a red flag that he was never going to stick with whichever plan he chose. And this: “Friend said he thought we were giving him $20k for a car and why does it matter which car.” Big red flag to me. Like he expects you to give him the money, instead of treating it like the absolutely huge favor it is. You have nothing to feel bad about your actions. It was very kind of you to even consider it.
For context, I have lent close friends money before when they were in a bind, so I’m not opposed to this on principal necessarily, but this large of a sum and for someone who’s not even sure what exactly they’re using it for, no.
Anon
Do not give this man more money. This is insane. I highly doubt you will ever see that money again.
Anonymous
Just say “No” to this business venture. It’s a terrible plan. Do not buy this guy any car.
If he knew how to fish he would not be in this situation. Do not through good money after bad. To this internet stranger he is playing you.
No Face
Absolutely not. I have gifted people money, cars, and let people stay with me for free, but I would not do any of these here because his behavior is sending up a lot of red flags. Also, I never lend money because the risk of harming the relationship is high.
If he needs money, the simplest thing to do is find a job. It’s not the Great Recession – there are many jobs available. It may not be in his field or what he likes, but he can absolutely find employment without borrowing money from anyone.
Can you take to his wife/partner about his behavior? I’m concerned there is a mental health issue.
anon
There aren’t red flags here; these are deep maroon.
Anon
Hard to follow, but you’re never obligated to give or loan money to friends. On his plan, agree with others it’s a terrible idea but he should talk to Uber directly, they have a lot of car lease programs for their drivers. Also, in DC, I often take the black cars because they’re cheaper than regular, so his math makes no sense.
texasanon
This sounds like one of those situations where your friend is so stressed and overwhelmed, and has gotten so low that he has come up with ONE MAGICAL OPTION that will somehow solve his problems and he just can even see the real issues that are still going to exist. Could you lay out the options (as you understand them) very clearly in a table or something and just send it to him? I use tables in situations like this because I feel like it might help him see the benefits and downsides of the various options in a more clinical way. I’m sure even though you are being generous and kind he is feeling embarrassed and that makes these conversations so much harder.
Anonymous
totally agree on ONE MAGICAL OPTION. i suspect the reason he hasn’t found / won’t find or take a job is for similar Goldilocks reasons. if he has children, does he have a partner? what do they say?
Anon
He’s on welfare and wants you to fund a $45k car? I have a feeling that his problems aren’t “through no fault of his own” but rather the natural consequences of poor judgment. I also don’t buy the story that his car just turned off while he was driving. If you loan him the money, he is going to keep coming back to the well because driving an Uber isn’t going to support his family. He is taking advantage of you. A true friend would not do this. You wouldn’t ask him for funds to buy a car if the situation were reversed, I am willing to bet.
Anon
Never loan money to people you know (it’s not good for relationships, so it’s not the favor you think it is).
Give money if you want to, but I would not throw money into this particular black hole. This is not a plan that is actually likely to improve his financial situation. I’d rather keep the money for the day when he needs it for real, which seems likely if this is how he makes decisions.
Anonymous
If you’re going to give someone a business loan then formalize it. There’s power in putting pen to paper, people take it more seriously. Get a business plan, ask questions, decide whether you want to make an equity or debt investment, and paper the deal accordingly even if it’s a one page document.
The fact that he felt entitled to change the plan and still get the money shows that he is not looking at this as a business loan (or fundamentally doesn’t understand how business loans work, which means he should not get one). I think if you’d gone through a formal process, expectations might have been more aligned from the beginning. Maybe he’d still be mad, idk, but you’d probably feel less guilty. Remember, he is the one changing the terms of the deal here, not you; you’re internalizing responsibility for this misunderstanding but you’re not the one asking for money. NTA.
Anonymous
Uber has a car rental option for drivers—it may not make sense economically long-term but it would allow him to keep driving for now and also try out different cars. https://www.uber.com/us/en/drive/vehicle-solutions/
Cb
But also, no one is supporting a family on Uber… it’s a side gig?
Surely working at Target would yield an equal result?
Anon
I think the plan is terrible but where I live, an Uber driver can do better than a target worker. It’s not exclusively a side hustle for many people. It’s still low wage work.
Anon
+1 I know people who drive for Uber as their full-time job and they make a decent living at it. More than Target, for sure, at least in my area.
Anon
NYC requires Uber drivers to have a Taxi and Limousine Commission License (and special plates on their cars), this is heavily enforced, and therefore the vast majority of Uber drivers do it full time. It might be similar in DC.
texasanon
I’ve met drivers who, from what they tell me while driving me to and from the airport, do that full time. I don’t think it makes a ton of money, but I also think Uber lets pretty low-quality fake papers slip through so it’s an option for migrants who are increasingly having difficulty finding jobs.
Anonymous
The guy is a train wreck. Do not give him money. Definitely do not lend him money.
What is more disturbing is that you and your husband are willing to get involved in the train wreck. If we were rich I wouldn’t mind if my husband kept a fun money account to play with ridiculous risky investments (basically gambling for fun, not harmful if you have money to burn), but I’d still have a problem with his giving or lending it to ne’er-do-well friends. Keep money out of personal relationships or the only “friends” you will have are people trying to take advantage of you.
Colette
This is just a really financially poor plan. I would not lend him this money. If you do give him the money, give it as a gift because there is no way that he is making enough as an uber driver to pay you back.
He should go work at amazon tomorrow. Starting pay in the DC area is $20ish an hour and comes with full benefits for his family day 1.
The fact that he is in such dire situation and has not taken meaningful steps to procure alternate employment while looking for another job is a huge red flag.
HFB
Just FYI, on some cars the leasing company or financing companies can remotely turn off the engine. they are technically only “allowed” to do this if you are behind on payments, but that doesn’t mean they can’t or won’t. and, yes, there are a lot people working to make this thing entirely illegal because of the safety hazard. i know you said your friend already paid off his current car but … a) that might not be true and b) is it possible he got a title loan somewhere and allowed them to install the remote shutoff device?
Anyway i don’t think you should loan him the money if you have conditions on it. how would you feel if he bought the suburban and still didn’t do uber black? you wouldn’t be able to force him to.
Shelle
To be clear, the quick summary is you lent him $20K and now he is asking for another $45K?
Nesprin
You’re probably going to lose this friend. He seems to be soaking you for all you’re worth, his plan to make money sounds like it’s just not going to work, and his demands for a brand new car are unrealistic and irresponsible.
Anon
I would consider co-signing a loan rather than gifting him the money. He needs skin in the game.
Is there really demand in your area? My sister has tried Uber, UberEats, Amazon Flex, Doordash…all the apps. She made very little. One day she only got 2 orders in 3 hours for a total of $17. She lives in a state capital city.
Explorette
You should have doubts about his ability to pay this loan back. How is he going to make enough money in a low paying industry to support himself, his family, and make payments to you? He might have the best intention of doing so, and really, really want to, but it’s not going to happen. His “business plan” is terrible and is not an investment.
There are so many troubling things about this situation. His getting mad to you for not giving him money shows that is is up against a wall. He is looking for ways out, and has figured out this as the magic option. Instead of, you know, getting a job. (It reminds me of yesterday’s poster’s husband who instead of exercising and not eating twinkies to lose weight, bought an air fryer that will magically fix everything)
The only way your friend is going to fix his financial troubles is to buckle down and deal with him. My guess is that will never happen. If you want to give him a gift, then give him a gift. Just don’t expect that you are ever getting anything back.
Anony
I couldn’t even finish reading this post, with this nonsense. Bottom line is you are not getting your $20K back EVER, and shouldn’t have loaned him the money in the first place. Do not loan him more for his hairbrained schemes.
anon
This whole thing is insane, that is all.
Anon
Giving your friend $20K to then buy a car worth will likely make him ineligible for any public support. I worked at Legal Aid, and our AmeriCorps attorneys couldn’t get foodstamps if they owned a car or had any asset over $5K, even though they were income eligible.
Anonymous
NTA. The whole thing is super sketchy. Do not lend him money, he can get a normal job and then buy a car with his own money later.
Anon
You’re not the asshole. But don’t give him the money unless you’re ok never seeing it again. We’ve been burnt twice lending to family. One caused the relationship to end and in the second, we never saw half the money again and are unlikely to.
A.
Anyone want to make travel suggestions for me? I’m already dreaming about 2024 spring break (first week of April for my family). We’re a group of two adults and three kids age 8, 11, and 14 and we LOVE to travel. We’ve taken our kids to Mexico (twice), London, Hawaii (Maui and Oahu), Maine, Mackinac Island, Utah (Arches/Canyonlands), New York City, Washington DC, and Florida (a few times). Husband and I also recently went to/have plans to go to Iceland, upstate NY, and Rome. Years ago (pre-kids) he and I also went to Costa Rica, Aruba, and Bangladesh.
Ideal combo is some relaxation time and some “doing” time, although that can be flexible — and we’d prefer not to visit a repeat location. Timeframe is roughly a week and our closest international airport is Chicago. Right now my best ideas are Alaska and Portugal (so different, I realize) but I’d love to know other spots that you enjoyed or think would work well for our family’s ages and stages. Thanks!
Anon
New Orleans
NYC
Anon
I was going to suggest Iceland! We have a similar list of places we’ve traveled and similar aged kids (though my youngest is only 4). We just got back from Norway, and Switzerland and the Italian Dolomites are on our list for next summer.
Anonymous
We’re looking at Morocco for next April. This year we also did a great trip to Venice, Italy and the Istrian peninsula in Croatia that was fun, although Croatia would be even more fun (if more crowded) in May/June.
Anonymous
PS – Sedona and the Grand Canyon, or maybe Phoenix instead of Sedona if you want it to be warmer for swimming, are nice in April too.
Anonymous
In April I wouldn’t do Alaska unless you want lots of snow. I would look at Colombia!
NYCer
+1. Alaska is really a summer destination.
You’ve gotten some good suggestions elsewhere in the thread, but I will add Paris and Barcelona as other good European options.
Anon
Friends of mine just loved Denmark with kids.
Anon
We did Portugal (Algarve coast) for spring break 2023 with a 5 year old. It was wonderful. We combined it with Seville, Spain but you could easily combine with Lisbon, which I believe has nonstop flights from ORD. We avoided Lisbon because we had heard the hills were hard for little kids, but that wouldn’t be an issue for your family.
April is the wrong time of year for Alaska. I love Alaska but everything will still be snowy and you’ll have a hard time getting around. Save it for the summer. It’s a great July/August destination when other places are hot and crowded, and if you go in July you can see bears fishing for salmon in Katmai National Park, which is incredible – one of my favorite wildlife experiences of all time.
I was going to say Costa Rica before I read you’d been before, so maybe something similar like Belize or Guatamala?
I also think Morocco or Turkey would be amazing with kids that age and weather is good in April (not too hot).
The Netherlands is great in April with the tulips. Japan is also supposed to be lovely that time of year, but may not be worth it for a week from Chicago.
Anon
This? https://www.journeysinternational.com/tour/amazon-and-iguazu-for-families/
Anon
I was going to suggest Portugal, so since that is on your list, I would go for it!
Anon
Peru might be a cool trip with kids that age. Cuzco and the Sacred Valley have lots of interesting history and hiking, plus there are some nice hotels where you could relax.
Anon
We love Turks and Caicos for spring break and are going for the third time next year. There is lots of active stuff to do (snorkeling, kayaking, horseback riding), but you obviously can just chill on the beach/pool as well. The Beaches resort there is great (though pricey) and they have a waterpark your kids would probably love. But there are lots of other hotel & VRBOs if you don’t want all-inclusive. There are non-stop flights from Chicago on Saturdays.
Anon
your kids are great ages for Costa Rica, though I know you say you want to go to a new destination. Portugal is great.
Anon
I know cruises are not popular here, but they’re fun with kids that age and provide a good mix of exploration and relaxation. There are lots of seven day itineraries in the Caribbean that time of year, and I like island-hopping and seeing which islands I might want to go back to and explore in more depth. Our favorite cruise line is Celebrity, which is a bit more upscale (with better food and smaller boats) than many cruise lines, but still has kids’ programs and is relatively affordable. Alternatively, if you have the budget, you could charter a crewed sailboat. It would probably be $15-20k for a group of five though.
Anan
Japan or Taiwan.
Anonymous
France and Morocco have been spring break hits with our similar age kids
Anon
Europe! Italy, Spain and Germany are all lovely in spring.
Runcible Spoon
Bangkok! It’s not all girly bars (in fact that is quite a small, easily avoidable, section of the city). To avoid the heat and torrential rains, during November to December. Elsewhere in Thailand can be great, too, but check weather — Phuket sometimes has “opposite” rainfal stats from Bangkok.
Anonymous
What is this quality called: the ability to continue following up and moving things along, not letting balls drop, even though it’s tedious to do. Not in an aggressive or pestering way. A sort of sticktoitivness? Or is this just what it looks like to be organized? Or to be (good) management?
Monday
Diligence, follow-through, or “a sense of urgency” in terms of getting things done promptly and knowing that they matter.
Cerulean
Persistence
anon
Being proactive.
anon
+1 at my company it would be this (and is maybe the #1 skill needed as an in house attorney here).
MJ
Project management; organization of cross-functional groups; quarterbacking projects.
anon
Tenacity, mission, purpose
No Face
Conscientiousness
Anon
Accountable
Anon
Taking ownership.
Anon
grit, doggedness, perseverance
Anonymous
At my law firm, we call it “taking ownership” and it is the #1 most important skill for an associate and the #1 hardest thing for associates to do. We talk constantly about it, train on it, mentor on it.
Anonone
Tenacious facilitator?
Anon
Being organised, capable and diligent.
Runcible Spoon
Cheerful persistence, being proactive and a self-starter, with good follow-through, productive, gets results. The opposite of the illusion of forward progress (e.g., well, I sent them an email.) Sometimes when I am politely bugging folks who don’t report to me for status updates and results, I call it “just following-up” or “a gentle reminder,” or “just flagging this for you,” or “just inviting your attention to this,” or “doing some housekeeping, and I’d like to check on where we are on XYZ.” Or I call them (it’s harder to dodge universally acknowledged responsibility to someone’s (virtual) face, in (virtual) person).
Anon
Gen X.
Anonymous
Good morning! I’m looking for an everyday handbag for the summer. I’m thinking raffia or straw but I’m not married to that. It only needs to hold a wallet keys and sunglasses. Looking to spend under 500. Any ideas or recommendations? Thanks!
Anonymous
Naghedi. Super light and stretchy.
Anonymous
AllSaints Ebro Straw Crossbody. It’s small, but a really clean look.
Anon
Looking for your favorite prep ahead meals! So stuff like the pioneer woman lasagna that I can half cook but then bake last minute, or like the budget bytes Mediterranean pasta salad. Specific recipes would be best! Want to make dinner during the day but then have it fresh at dinnertime.
Anonymous
Maybe the crock pot freezer meals, whee you assemble and freeze an entire bag ahead of time then dump it into crock pot? Might be some for instsntpot too
Anonymous
Does anyone have any tips on how to survive with poor air quality? Where we are AQ is only 150 and I feel it in the back of my throat and nose. Haven’t even left the house yet.
Anonymous
Stay inside and run an air filter. You’ll survive.
Anon
Keep all the doors and windows closed and run air purifiers. It’s not just to avoid discomfort, but to protect your lungs from long-term damage. We have three Coway air purifiers and use them all the time. We also have a PurpleAir sensor that shows the purifiers work really well.
Palo Alto
+1 on air purifiers for immediate and long-term health. If you don’t have purifiers, an HVAC system constantly going on recirculate can help if you have a decent filter. Don’t get the very best house filter without first checking that you HVAC system can handle it, though.
Smell is not a super reliable indicator of how how harmful particulate levels, so using something like an indoor Temtop or Purple Air particulate sensor is helpful to see if your setup is protective enough. That said, if you don’t have one, going with smell and clarity of air is probably your best bet indoors.
Painter’s tape is great for blocking smoke from drafty windows, fireplaces, etc.
The Purple Air map is helpful for seeing when the air is better/worse around your neighborhood. If you can, time essential going out for when it’s less bad. You’ll still want the best mask you have (N95, KN95, respirators for certain construction work are are the best, but look bizarre). You’ll also want to set your car ventilation to recirculate.
If your home is super sealed up, you’re going to need to open up doors periodically to prevent CO2 from getting too high. The PurpleAir map can also help with this. Gas ovens/stoves can spike CO2, but just existing in a sealed environment also gradually increases CO2.
If the air in your home has already gotten bad, please see public health advice from the US west coast on things like mopping instead of vacuuming, etc.
Anonymous
Buy an air filter for each room.
Sarah
Is is better or worse to have the AC running?
Anonymous
AQ in my city is like 350 I’m dying.
Anon
Wear N95 when you are out. Windows closed with AC on. Air cleaners in all major rooms.
Anon
+1,000
N95 whenever you are outside. In CA, and this is why we had a supply of N95s in the house when the pandemic started. We were already using them for wildfire days.
HEPA filters can only process so much air, so check how many you need in your rooms. Keep them running 24/7 (they clean the air when you aren’t there so it is clean when you enter the room). Keep a supply of filters on hand for when they need to be swapped out. If the noise is too much for you, run the machine on high when you are not in the room and switch to low when you are in the room.
Run your central HVAC but make sure the filter in the unit is the highest MERV rating your unit can handle.
Keep windows/doors closed.
Remember all this when you vote and vote for candidates who believe in science and will at least not contribute to the problem.
Anonymous
Recommendations for a 40th birthday trip? DH, SIL, and I are all turning 40 next year and we’d like to do some kind of big trip. No kids, but SIL and I are both trying. If we aren’t PG/don’t have newborns then we’ll want all the wine. My brother and DH are very active and SIL and I can keep up. Or, you know, grab a drink while the boys try to kill themselves, either way. Maybe rent a villa in Tuscany? Scuba diving in Belize? Hiking the Alps?
Anon
I’d go somewhere that’s hard to go with young kids. Tuscany is a great family destination; we went with toddlers and preschoolers several times so that wouldn’t be high on my list personally even though I love Tuscany. Hiking and scuba diving both sound good, although won’t the latter have to be nixed if you get pregnant? I would plan something that’s not going to be ruined if you get pregnant, since you’re TTC.
Anon
Northern Italy – like Bolzano – is gorgeous and has great wine as well as lots of hiking or walking. A bit of everything.
Anonymous
My 40th is in two years and I’m already tentatively planning a trip to New Zealand, so I’ll throw that out as an option.
Anon
Same, except South Africa. And I have elementary school age kids I’ll be bringing.
Leave or stay?
My company is asking us to come in to the office four days a week going forward. While I enjoy a hybrid schedule four days is not ideal for me. I keep hearing that most companies are limiting or ending remote work. I wanted to check in with everyone and ask what everyone is seeing. Do you think most companies are headed this way? If I leave for another job with more flexibility is it only a matter of time before they are changing policy too?
Anon
Yes, only a matter of time, most companies are pulling back on hybrid meaning mostly WFH.
Anon
I think some are heading that way, but others are thriving with giving employees the flexibility they want. My workplace has some people who come in every day, some who come in three days a week, and some who are fully remote. Turnover has been low and recruitment has improved. I think the companies that are starting to go back to their former rigidity are going to face problems down the line.
Anon
My law firm has basically moved to a get your work done model. Wherever in the world, that’s fine. A friend rented a house in France for the summer. They encourage everyone that, if you’re going to come in, do so on Wednesdays so we have critical mass and everyone sees everyone. Some people come in everyday because they like it; some people never come in except for annual all-hands events.
For a regulatory practice like ours, where it’s all reading regs and writing opinions and submitting comments, it doesn’t make sense to chain us to a desk.
Cat
I would expect anywhere to move back to at least 2-3 days per week in office.
anon
I work at a Very Large Bank and we are requiring people in the office 3 days a week now. Compliance is still on the lower end, but we expect management to start taking more of a stick approach in the fall. We are not moving people who were recoded as remote back to hybrid, but there is more of an expectation now that remote people who live in commuting distance to an office will come to the office for team meetings and other special events.
We are also now not approving any new requests for hybrid employees to be reclassified as remote workers unless there are extenuating circumstances (so just not wanting to have to come in doesn’t cut it – it has to be something like a physical disability).
Anecdotally I know at least one of our peer banks moved to 5 days/week in office for corporate employees last year.
Anon
are people not getting their work done at home or is the bank suffering if people are home 3 days a week instead of 2?
Anon
If you want to remain hybrid or remote, your best bet for stability is to find an organization that was doing this pre-pandemic. For any organization, there is always the risk the org will change the terms of employment, at which point it is up to the employee to decide if it’s worth staying.
Caroline
It seems like most jobs are going back to at least partially in-person. If you want a fully remote job I’d look for a company that is in fact mostly remote (a lot of tech or tech-related companies are) or based in a different state/country so it has to be remote.
Anonymous
Yep, I think we’re heading toward getting rid of “hybrid” and switching to a mix of full-time in office with occasional WFH and fully-remote positions with some regular business travel to the office. Coming in 1-2 days a week just doesn’t seem to be that valuable, since you may not align with others in your group and meetings need to be online anyway to accommodate anyone not in the office that day.
Anon
My company has been 3 days a week (Tuesday Wednesday Thursday) for a year now. Mysteriously, lots mandatory in person things seem to happen on Mondays so I’m in about 1 Monday a month for that. We’re all pretty sure that this is the segue to making Monday mandatory too.
Anon
Anecdotally, yeah I think that’s where most people are headed. I’m in kind of a tough spot because I live in the middle of nowhere for my husband’s academic job. I’ve been trying to find a new position but in the last few months the fully remote jobs seem to have vanished. Every employer expects you to live locally and be in the office 2-3 days per week, which doesn’t work for me. It’s really frustrating :/
Anon
Same.
Anon
I’m seeing remote roles that now pay a fraction of what in m-person or hybrid roles pay.
Not sure how this plays out long term; I worry that in-person salaries will slide down to be closer to remote salaries. I guess what could happen is that some companies will have a remote workforce and save a pile of money, and others will pay a lot to have employees in office.
Anonymous
i work at a big bank and we’re asked to come in once a week. i don’t work with anyone else at my location (literally no one to interact with that i work with at my location) and i go in once a month and no one has said anything for 6 months
texasanon
Fully remote seems to be gone, from what I can tell, but out legal, finance and accounting groups are st 3 days a week and I don’t think that is going away anytime soon. We are on set days in office and we have to be in Monday so I can work with people, but that’s fine.
I’m in-house at a big public corp.
Anon
My company is insituted a mandatory 2-3 day hybrid schedule. It’s pretty clear the only reason they are did it is because we are leasing some expensive offices that were empty, so they wanted to put people in them to make the investors happy. The problem is we are spread out around the country, so actual in-person interaction with people in my department is still minimal. I go in the office and do my zoom meetings from there. It’s silly.
NYNY
This is so location and industry specific. Do you feel comfortable sharing that information?
Strategically, it makes sense to look at the physical footprint of a company. They own their own building or campus or have a lot of space on long-term lease and have invested a lot in their office space? You’re going to be required to come in more. They don’t have enough space for all their employees and promote hot desking? Remote or hybrid forever.
JTM
My Fortune 50 company is not pulling back at all – we have a lot of staff that is remote across the US (both new hires but also tenured folks who decided to go remote for various reasons), and folks that are still local can go into the office as much as they want, no mandates on face time.
Anon
I’m in higher ed. A lot of non-student facing employees are still fully remote, including me. The head of my department is really unhappy about it, but I think at the end of the day there’s not that much he can do about it. We lost office space in the pandemic and although he ended up renting us some office space in the university’s business district (which I think is a waste of money) we don’t currently have anywhere enough space for everyone to be in at once, so I think the very most that would happen would be that we’d be asked to go back in one-two days per week or something like that.
Anon
My stuffy PE firm just went the opposite direction, from being entirely in-person for the past 2 years to now encouraging “W”FH Fridays.
Anon
3 days a week at the office in my BigLaw firm (same policy in all of our US offices). They do track it (partners get the metrics). Thus far, no negative consequences if you’re not in 3 days a week though. Possibly because many partners travel a lot for work or pleasure and also aren’t there 3 days a week on a consistent basis.
anon
does anyone have recs for a plug in (most I see are battery operated) white noise machine for sleeping? We are dealing with noisy neighbors. Thanks!
Anonymous
big red rooster white noise rain sound machine
https://www.amazon.com/Big-Red-Rooster-White-Machine/dp/B01H6WXUX8?ref_=ast_sto_dp&th=1&psc=1
Anon
I am so disappointed that this is not, in fact, shaped like a big red rooster.
Anonymous
I’ve has a Sound + Sleep machine for many years and been pleased with it. Link to follow.
Anonymous
https://shop.sleeping.com/products/adaptive-sound-technologies-sound-sleep-high-fidelity-sound-machine?variant=44424611561747&gclid=CjwKCAjw1YCkBhAOEiwA5aN4AW2cLAUYU_gUwhz5Ddd_J6-RfCBAl5T5I0NDAPXdBm4TlArzf09hQBoCCa0QAvD_BwE
Anonymous
We have several Hatch ones and they are great!
NYNY
It looks like medical equipment from 1963, but I love my Dohm.
Anon
Relatedly – I bought an air filterer while my house was under renovations, got used to it, and now use it mostly for the white noise at night – dual purpose! Particularly given air quality in many parts of the US today…
Anon
I have a lectrofan for my baby.
PJ
HoMedics spa sound machine for $20
Cora
For the people from the secrets thread yesterday – you should watch the movie Past Lives. Very sweet and very sad, but I thought a realistic look at a situation that many people find them in to some extent.
H13
A while back someone recommended a tulle skirt on Amazon and I think a few people bought it. Can someone repost the link? Would it work on someone who is only 5’2″? Thanks!
Anon
That was me! Here you go. I’m 5’9” and it hits me at a very midi on the short side length, it would probably still work for you
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07X4VMZZH
H13
Thank you!!
Anon
I’m 39, and I often wake up very stiff. Is this just aging? Are there supplements I can take? Mobility stretches? I take a multivitamin. My back is still tight even though I did stretches and walked the dog this morning.
Anonymous
Stretch your hamstrings. Yoga and core strengthening, maybe Pilates. I’m the same age; a year or two ago I noticed a lot of stiffness when I got up in the morning. It was like my ankles wouldn’t bend. I was also having some lower back and hip pain at night. I started doing more yoga and a lot of core work. It took a minute but now I’m stiffness and pain free. It comes back if I’m not active for a week or so, though.
Anon
I personally get stiff when my magnesium is low but you may have that covered w/the multivitamin. I like epsom salt baths and topicals like Theraworx (I know they don’t get into the bloodstream, but they still help relax muscles for me). If that doesn’t cut it, I want manual therapy (massage or similar).
Anon
I developed arthritis pretty early in life. 40-ish is when it became very apparent. I find that ginger tea made strong from fresh ginger is worth about 100 mg of Celebrex.
Anonymous
You can find stretching routines on line. Try a couple and see what helps.
Anon
Not exactly on point, but it might help. 41 here, and just discovered the life-changing difference in my quality of sleep if I just stretch and do yoga moves for like 5 minutes before bed. The quality of sleep when I do and don’t is astounding, really.
anon
Can concur. Stretching makes a huge difference in how I feel before bed, and how I feel when I wake up.
Anon
How old is your mattress? If it’s the hand me down you got when you moved into your first post-college apartment, start there. If not, disregard…
Anon
What parts are stiff? Joints? Back is tricky, and you may need some core strengthening exercises
I have early osteoarthritis in pretty much all my joints. I need to sleep on a good mattress, and even position myself in a well supported way to decrease back pain/stiffness with sleep. And in the morning, I do just a few minutes of stretching/basic yoga movements and I’m good to go.
I’m going to probably see a rheumatologist at some point if your doctor thinks it could be arthritis. There is some very very weak evidence that anti-inflammatories like tumeric and glucosamine/chondroitin may help osteoarthritis, but since those are pricey and the evidence is weak I would not take them unless a doctor encouraged me to do it.
Stay active. Strengthen the core. Good posture. Good mattress. Yoga.
Anonymous
Stretch when you wake up and before you sleep (check out stretch routines on YT). Do strenght training, specially for the hips, core and shoulders. Take care of your posture during the day and try to stretch every hour.
Anon
I don’t live on the east coast, but why were things like the Yankees game not canceled last night if air quality is so bad. DH is also now on a business trip to Toronto – should I be concerned?
Anon
You don’t need to worry about his business trip. The main health risk is damage from long term exposure, so short term exposure is not that big a deal, and I assume if he’s there on business he’s mostly indoors anyway.
I’m not sure why the Yankees game wasn’t canceled; that’s surprising to me and appears to be surprising to others as well. https://www.pinstripealley.com/2023/6/7/23751846/mlb-yankees-smoke-wildfire-yankee-stadium-white-sox-canada-new-york-city-worst-air-quality-index
Anon
I disagree. Short-term exposure to hazardous conditions is also dangerous. It would definitely not be the time for your husband to go for a run before his business meetings.
Anon
Where are you getting that he is going to go on a run?!
Anon
Yea no one is running outside right now.
Anon
I don’t think we disagree. I’m not suggesting he go for a run. I’m just saying OP doesn’t need to be “worried” about her husband being in Toronto on business, which was the question.
Anon
I’m adjacent to Toronto and it’s pretty bad hair. It’s very smoky and hazy. The govt has recommended to stay indoors, close windows, use an air filter, no exercise outdoors, and use an N95 mask outdoors.
Anon
*here not hair!
anon
It wasn’t canceled because Capitalism!
anonshmanon
I wondered that too when I moved to CA and no sports events were cancelled despite terrible air. Now I am just used to this.
PLB
This model is FAB!
Madrilian (Rincon de la Victoria)
Late for yest question about Rincon de la Victoria
Malaga is a really nice place to go in August and it has everything you could like: beaches, art and food.
This year is Picassos aniversary and the city has one of the best museums with his masterpieces. If you are into art add also the Thysen, Russian and Pompidu branches there. If not at least you have to see the cathedral, roman theatre and the muslim Alcazaba.
Regarding food you have to order espetos ( grilled sardines in the beach) porra antequerana (similar to gazpacho but thicker) ajoblanco (cold white soup), fritura malagueña (small fried fish) and berenjena con miel (eggplant with honey). El Pimpi is a nice place in the center. For drinks go for Cartojal (local white), resoli (coffe licour), mistela (sweet wine). If you order in a bar your breakfast ask for a “pitufo” (small local sandwich) with your coffe.
It is true tha Aug will be possible hot during the day for day trips, but Frigiliana is a really charming village you could visit in the evening. Other visits could be Ronda & Setenil de las bodgas and the Caminito del Rey. Local fair will be this year 12th-19, the day one in the center is really nice and the ningth one also with the bonus that, oposite than in Seville, here there are no private “casetas” (bars).
What I would do it is to book a night visit to the Alhambra and stay the night in Granada. The sunset from St Nicolas square is amazing (Clinton said the best in the world) and I will stroll around the Albaicin or Sacromonte neighborhoods (there you could have dinner and see a flamenco spectacle in a cave).
From Barcelona the quickest way is to take a flight (3h), the speed train will take the double (6h) with the direct one.
Nt. For everyone, only order paella or rice dishes in Valencia, Castellon, Alicante or Murcia. It is a pity you miss local specialities for an average (If not terrible) yellow rice with things you will get in other region. (Sure there are exceptions)
Nt2 Only tourists drink sangria, locals drink tinto de verano (summer wine) or claras (beer with lemon or soda)
Nt 3 If you see a blackboard saying “Paella & Sangria ” run, it is a tourist trap.
Anon
But she’s a tourist, it’s ok to drink what tourists drink. Signed, always have sangria in Spain even though I know it’s not “authentic”