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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’ve declared my deep love for sweater blazers in the past, but this contrast-trim version from J.Crew is really special. The black trim adds something extra and makes the whole thing look a little more polished.
I would probably wear this with an all-black outfit for an easy business casual look.
The blazer is $198 at J.Crew and comes in sizes XXS–3X. It’s also available in black.
DKNY has a more affordable option that's on sale for $41.70; it's available in sizes 2–14.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anon
I have forgotten what makes for appropriate clothes. Brocade — this is a fancy material, yes? Like it was fancy before, it is fancy now; do not wear in the day time or to work but OK for parties and maybe a shower event. I am also struggling with sort of third piece is outerwear vs a natural part of an indoor outfit, along with what do you with a double-br3asted jacket if you also need to wear a coat (unbuttoned and there a lot of fabric to fit a slim coat over; buttoned and it becomes like the kid in A Christmas Story who can’t move his arms). Clothes in stores now seem to be for teens and 20-somethings to stand in front of insta-walls and take selfies with (mom jeans + crop top + puffy headband + some sort of cross-sternum fanny pack).
AIMS
I think there is a reason double breasted jackets come back in style at the same time as oversized coats – they go together.
You’re right on brocade: not for daytime.
This may be a controversial opinion but I have never seen a puffy headband on anyone of any age that didn’t strike me as something that will look regrettable in a few years.
Anne-on
I will say that children roughly 11 and under and very fresh faced 20-somethings can rock headbands with abandon (and heck, I did in the Gossip Girl era), the rest of us should avoid them.
Anon
And in 2023, headbands must have large pearls or be bejeweled? I am having bedazzled flashbacks.
Anne-on
You mean like this? Ha. At least in 2009 Jcrew had knock offs for 15-20, not $125!
https://www.hillhousehome.com/products/the-jeweled-halo-headband-green?variant=39420609986603&gclid=CjwKCAiAioifBhAXEiwApzCztm-6Nm9RCA60Psy0eIAWR3nircfEq0RjGNqFyqaZ2gy1SsblFfX0phoC5rMQAvD_BwE
Anon
OK — Maybe I have a problem with my fondness for Tudor-era things, but that headband is sliding into French Hood territory.
Anonymous
I have a deep and abiding love for headbands. You do you, but I am all in.
Anon
Me too. The fashion fun killers are out this morning.
Vicky Austin
I love them too; always have.
Anon
I like flat headbands. The 2023 version is less preppy and more like a flatter cloth tiara.
Curious
They are saving me as my hair grows back from chemo. And I oddly get compliments for the ones with a knot on top; they flatter my face. But the bedazzled one stays on my daughter, who looks very cute in it.
Anon
I found out in the late 80s that my head is sadly too wide for a lot of headbands. Like I need a curvy cut in this (b/c I also see people reselling headbands and I am so grossed out by the fact that that exists) or reviews from similar wide-headed people.
Anon
Same. I miss my headbands of the 2008 Gossip Girl era!
PolyD
From the perspective of my 55 years, there are a lot of things I wore in the past that I look back on and think, What were we thinking??
Do I regret having worn those things? No, I do not. Oversized neon green sweatshirts were the style and I was styling’! Life is way too short to worry about someone looking at your Instagram ten years from now and chuckling at what you wore!
I concede that I work at a casual office, but the fretting about attire for regular office days around here is a little baffling. Do your workplaces care that much? I totally understand wanting to look good, although the laments of nothing to wear surprise me, given all the options available for shopping today. Again, I am an old and basically had Sears, Penney’s, and Kmart growing up. Wow were we excited when The Limited made its debut!! I also realize a lot of stores have more online than in stores, but just order stuff from places with free shipping and free or cheap returns, try it on in the comfort of your own home, and send it back!
Anon
+1000000 to everything being for 20-somethings’ insta-walls 🤦🏻♀️
…and comments like this are how I become my mother 😆
Anon
This is giving me “old man yelling at sky” vibes. I remember impractical clothing in my youth, too but it seemed totally normal. And there is a reason that mom jeans are called mom jeans, it’s because normal people (moms) wear the styles that were fashionable in THEIR youth.
Anon
I get it. OTOH I have to park a car in a parking deck with tight turns and find I cannot drive with so many top layers on (and in a cold car, I want to have a coat on over my jacket).
Anon
I’m confused. Double breasted jackets weren’t invented yesterday, and no one is requiring you to wear the. Just – wear something else?
Anonymous
What is wrong with you that basic functioning is this hard? If you don’t like a style don’t wear it. Or take your coat off when you drive.
Trish
Why are you so mean, anonymous at 9:28? Is that attitude necessary?
Anon
Why don’t you have heat in your car?
Anon
Re so many giant coats. I am short. I have no shoulders. It is not a good look for me. I look like a bad rendition of a 2005 Olson twin, drowning in fabric. Al I need is a giant bag.
Anonymous
I mean this is a lot of silliness. Wear clothes. It’s fine.
Anon
Re brocade, it is casual wear. Workplaces are casual. So brocade is OK as workwear. Except it isn’t. I see ball skirts at the Harris Teeter (with Golden Gooses), and it is just so much harder to dress for a couple of serious work events coming up.
Anon
I an an old, but I rocked my mother’s super fitted, brocade evening jacket with my worn, torn, bellbottom jeans in the 70’s. There are only so many new things, so we keep recycling and refreshing.
Anonymous
1. Brocade is a dressy fabric. Depending on what item is made out of it, it might work just fine in a some office settings. Note “depending,” “might,” and “some.” E.g., in a creative office, an outfit of denim jacket, t-shirt, brocade skirt, and sneakers might be great.
2. If you have a specific item you’re struggling with, such as a leather jacket, it can probably go either direction and be indoor/outfit or outdoor/outwear. Use the weather and your building’s temperature as your guide. Along with how you psychologically feel in it.
3. Double-breasted vs. slim coat. This is a simple problem of mis-matched items: your coat is too slimly cut to work well with your blazer. Don’t wear them together.
Anon
This is a lot of anxiety over problems that are not a big deal.
Sybil
I think this is the poster who never really has a question and just kind of word-vomits some weird anxiety over non-issues.
Anonymous
Yup.
anon
That is just so rude.
Anon
Yes, I recognize the style of writing.
Anonymous
I don’t think there’s only one.
Anon
What a mean comment. Completely unnecessary.
Trish
And it hurts you in what way? This is a fashion blog and fashion is hard for some of us. Be kind.
Anon
I see a lot of sheer sleeves for what seems to be daytime dresses. I wish this would end.
Senior Attorney
On the other hand, I have snagged a couple of cute going-out tops with sheer sleeves lately. So there’s that.
Anon
I wore a brocade blazer type jacket in the late 90s – I mostly wore it around the holidays, but I rocked it.
There are lots of things I wore before that I wouldn’t wear today. It’s OK! We don’t have to dress like New England grandmothers just to make sure we never have regrets about what we wore. What an uninteresting way to live your life.
Anon
If I dressed as a New England grandmother, I would have serious regrets about what I wore.
NYCrec
Headed to a show at Lincoln Center this week – any recommendations for a quick (ie counter service) bite for dinner beforehand?
AIMS
Epicerie Boulud – across the street.
https://www.epicerieboulud.com/lincoln-center-menu
Anon
This!
NYCer
+2. Could not be more convenient and the food is good.
Alanna of Trebond
This is totally the opposite of what you asked, but if you are going to the Opera, eat at Grand Tier! I discovered it last week.
Anon
Where can I get what I think of as an East Bay suit (relaxed fit pants plus a soft jacket, that could be formal, not fussy like a 2018 suit)? Sort of like if St John and Eileen Fisher had a business wear baby with a 2023 vibe. For a short pear.
AIMS
Have you looked at Madewell of all places?
Anon
Can you explain the use of East Bay here? Is it a…place? I’ve never heard of such a thing, but I understood once you said St. John plus Eileen Fisher.
Anon
Sort of a relaxed CA-appropriate-as-formal-workwear in 2023 outfit. No hard pants. But not jeans and definitely a quality fabric. And something that might travel well.
I remember reading about 7-piece outfit wardrobes of mix and match items. If that still exists, pls let me know.
Anne-on
Check out the Clever Crepe collection at the Fold and the workout pants/front tie jacket in particular. It is pricey but washable and wears like iron/doesn’t wrinkle. I stalk it during their sales events.
Anon
Is it pear-friendly? I dismissed The Fold as not for me but I’m intrigued if this is a bit more forgiving.
Anne-on
I think it’d be worth trying the Almeida jacket and the elastic waist pants. I also appreciate that they have a lot of a-line dresses which are more formal looking and have sleeves. I also really like their peplum tops/jackets as they are very flattering/thick material and the shape creates more of a waistline and conceales a tummy.
Anon
Reformation possibly?
DC Inhouse Counsel
Yes, East Bay is a place, the eastern part of the San Francisco Bay Area, think Oakland and Berkeley.
Anon
I mean, I live there and have never ever heard of an “east bay suit.”
DC Inhouse Counsel
I just took it to mean the vibe of what someone who lives in the east bay would wear instead of a suit.
Anon
Lordy I hope we have more style than that!
Anon
Hello from the East Bay! Have you checked Eileen Fisher? If you’re actually in the East Bay, have you tried the Eileen Fisher outlet in the San Leandro Marina Blvd shopping center?
Anonymous
Misook
Anonymous
Ming Wang at Nordstrom or Misook at Neiman Marcus
Seventh Sister
Chico’s often has that kind of thing. Some of their clothing is super duper frumpy, but the pants are solid and some of it is sort of classic-to-current, or even better.
Anonymous
Have you checked out Nena Evans? She’s very beautiful but also does fashion in a really accessible way for professionals.
It may be helpful to think if todays style as a revamp of 90s minimalism. A bigger pant calls for a slim or boxy cropped (not necessarily belly baring) shirt and boxy topper, if any. Another way to look at this is that proper trousers lend more umph to your look than the pixie pants of the last ten years so there is less need for the third piece, especially if it’s going to throw off the balance of your larger pants.
I’m not sure I have this all right yet but I am committed to not hating on current fashion for fear of getting too old to try new things.
Anonymous
Sorry this is my nesting fail; meant for the first op.
Lily
Wow I just checked her out and love her already. And her clothes are all so affordable. She makes putting an outfit together look very easy.
PolyD
I agree. I try not to knee jerk hate stuff, because I’ve realized it takes me a little time to get used to a new silhouette. I have grown to love wide leg pants, for one thing!
Not too sure about crop tops, but I can see the utility of shorter tops with wider legged pants.
emeralds
Love her look!
Anon
This is really helpful advice – thanks!
Anonymous
Does anyone have a Polene Tonca? How much stuff does it fit?
Anonymous
So I’m rethinking my life. My job is full time remote and pretty dead end. My employer did layoffs but and I tried to jump to a competitor but didn’t get the job. The other competitors won’t pay what I make (or anything close) for someone in my practice area.
Meanwhile we’re paying a lot (2500 a month) for my toddlers daycare. Yesterday they sent her home with a fever, but she was fine by the time we got her and now she’s out for a mandatory day. I’m looking into other childcare options but it’s very different. Think three hours four days a week. Should I just do this? See if I get fired? I have been reading here about people who take full time jobs but insist on only working until 2pm. Or doing mommy and me in the middle of the workday. I feel like I just did wfh wrong and i should save all this money. But part of me feels absolutely panicked at thought of being mostly unavailable during the workday. What are people really doing?
More Sleep Would Be Nice
Are you implying keeping your kid at home while you work/lean out?
Anon
Your toddler won’t be a toddler forever – this too shall pass. Don’t leave the workforce just because you don’t love your job – it’s hard to get back in.
Anon
My friends have more help not less. Have you looked into an au pair? Or a nanny/nanny share instead of day care?
Anonymous
We’ve talked about au pairs and we’re not sure we’re emotionally equipped to help a young person from overseas adapt to life here while living in our home, let alone trust them with the kids. We understand it’s problematic if the au pair doesn’t adjust well (stories from friends wherein they’re just additionally responsible for a homesick young adult. ) Nanny’s are a problem because they want to be paid off the books and we’re not comfortable with that.
That said I do realize there are a vast array of options other than those I’ve laid out. I just feel,like I said, that I’m being a sucker here. If the expectation is that leaving at 2pm from a full time in person job is ok, why am I paying for 40 hours of daycare?
Anonymous
It isn’t. Idk where you’re getting this but that is not a general expectation at all.
anon
+1
Unless you have a formal arrangement to reduce your hours, this would not fly in most workplaces.
River bird
It’s not the expectation at my employer that anyone can leave at 2:00 (unless you are on like a 5:30-2 flex schedule) and I don’t know anywhere that has such expectations. Or, at jobs ive had where I could theoretically do that (billable hour) I would be up all night working.
I think you have a grass is greener problem. But parenting young kids and working all the time…there is no grass. It’s all different kinds of mud.
Anon
I don’t know anyone who stops working at 2pm?? Where are you getting this from?
Vicky Austin
The only thing I can think of is there was one poster a couple weeks/months ago who basically said she was overpaid, her work could be done in about half the time she was given to do it, she recognized it was a unicorn situation and she wanted thoughts on pulling her kid from childcare. But that’s hardly anything to base a decision on!
Anon
A person posted a few weeks back that she had a new employee who announced she had a hard stop at 3 every day so she could pick up her kids. The person was asking if this was normal, and a lot of people said no, but that a flexible attitude and some grace/generosity would be well-applied in the situation.
Somehow the OP of this thread took that to mean that everyone who is WFH is only working until 2 every day or is engaging in time-consuming personal activities during the workday. Which I can assure her is not the case.
Anonymous
I don’t think everyone who wfh is leaving at two. That’s really an unfair reading. What I think is that many people work “full time” but do not shell out for full time childcare and others find that acceptable. I’m wondering how I can leverage the situation to save myself money given that all childcare is frustratingly unpredictable and I feel foolish paying top dollar when it is no longer a requirement.
Curious
You can find a nanny you pay on the books. We did.
Anon
Yup – before my big girl career I was a nanny who was paid on the books! I wanted to be paid that way, so I had protections and insurance as an employee!
anon
+2, I was in gov’t for many years and was able to find someone. It’s extra work and you’ll have to pay more money, but it’s doable. Agencies in particular are good resources for this.
Anon
No one with a full time job is leaving at 2pm. Did you misunderstand something?
Anonymous
There was a poster who said a new hire in person full time said she had to leave at 2 to pick up a child every day. Several posters said this was fine. I know that would have been very unacceptable pre-pandemic (absent prior agreement) but it seems it’s at least semi- acceptable now. So why am I shelling out for full time daycare when I’m not even in person, you know?
I’ll also add that my employer went full time remote post pandemic and they went on and on about how thrilled they were with everyone’s zero childcare performance so I can’t imagine they care. I get very good reviews but I’ll be sacked eventually if layoffs continue. There’s no raises on the table so maybe I should be hoarding money in case I’m forced to take a step back in salary at my next gig (likely given that I’m overpaid.)
I’ll add that this is not my first rodeo with this daycare. My oldest is in kindergarten. He also got sent home sometimes but back then i was expected to leave and take time. Now I’m expected to muddle through because everything is remote and the culture has changed. I always saw the daycare tuition as an investment in my career. Now it seems like a black hole where my money goes while I languish.
Anonymous
I do. but thats because I live on the west coast and work east coast hours. :D I generally work 5:30-2.
Anon
I think it was 3 pm, which is quite different than 2 (in my workplace it’s not unheard for people to start at 7 and knock off around 3, but no one is stopping work at 2 pm) and the kids were school age so likely to be entertaining themselves quite a bit. Blocking an hour on your calendar in the middle of the day to pick up kids and get them settled into is pretty normal and very different than having a “hard stop” at 2 pm no matter what, or trying to work full-time with a toddler and limited childcare.
Anon
Pre-pandemic I actually had an arrangement where I left the office at 3:15 to pick up elementary age kids and worked from home the rest of the day. I asked for this arrangement and it was granted because I was a high-performer and the company wanted to retain me, but this kind of thing wasn’t unheard of even before remote work became the norm. I have a few friends who had similar arrangements.
Anon
I would look into a new job. You can’t work from home and take care of a kid.
NYCer
I would never do this. My daughter also goes to a part time preschool (mornings 9-12), but we have a full time nanny. You will not be able to do your job satisfactorily if you are also taking care of your toddler every afternoon.
?
I’m not sure I understand. Are you thinking of switching child care to save money with the expectation that the child care change will cause you to be fired?
You can’t work full time with child care only a few hours a day four days a week.
This doesn’t add up. Are you doing okay?
You sound like you might be depressed or at the very least in a bad frame of mind to make major decisions.
Anon
I think the OP is having a bad day and needs to take some time and do something head-clearing – take a long solo walk, go to yoga, take a long bath, meditate, etc. before making any big decisions or blowing up her career. We’ve all been there – you have a bad day and start catastrophizing. Tomorrow will likely be a better day.
Anonymous
No please pull it together. This is ridiculous. No you can’t do your full time job with only 12 hours a week of childcare. I’m sorry but no one should be coddling this absurdity. Get some coffee and book
A therapist.
Trish
Why are you like this, anonymous at 9:55?
Anon
I would not try to have your toddler at home with you while you’re working remotely. You will not be a present/engaged enough parent, and your daughter won’t get what she needs for development (and safety) if you are trying to work and take care of her at the same time. I am not sure how old your daughter is, but at 2/3 they are mobile, but not logical enough to keep themselves out of trouble (generally) and she could actually get hurt if, say, you have to take a work call and she can get into something (or accidentally get out of the house) because you’re distracted. It’s easy to do.
Toddlerhood was an extremely challenging time for us because daycare would send our son home for every little thing and covering the absences got frustrating. I was working in the office full-time and my workplace did not have a very charitable view towards people working from home, so I burned a lot of PTO just taking care of him. It sucked. I would have killed to work from home, just because of being able to have him with me on sick days and not have to take PTO. But there’s no way I would have tried to work day in and day out with him there most of the time. Not good for him, not good for me.
“Seeing if you get fired” for doing something is a FAFO situation. Getting terminated for cause is not a great look, especially if it’s for not having your daughter in daycare while you work remote. Like – there goes your chance of getting another remote job, if people find out why you got fired from the last one. I assure you that many of us who are working remotely who are not just working till 2 p.m. or going to 2-hour yoga classes during the workday. I work remote and I work, for the most part, all day. I understand you’re super-frustrated (and likely burned out) right now but leave your daughter in her daycare – I assure you, they are all like this and are very reactive to kids getting sick; it will not be better in another daycare, you’ll just have way less flexibility. And just want to say – if you’re in tech, now is not a great time to be rolling the dice on whether or not you can get another job quickly. If you want to get another job, get another job. Don’t set up a difficult situation where you get out of this job you don’t like by getting fired.
Anon
I agree this isn’t a good way to impress your superiors or get promoted, but honestly I think there are plenty of workplaces where you could get away with it for a long time and if/when you eventually got let go it would be couched as a layoff rather than firing. In my workplace you have to do something way more egregious to get fired for cause. People who are just under-performing are laid off.
What?
I have not seen anyone post on this board about taking a full time job and refusing to work after 2pm. Or about anyone going to mommy and me classes in the middle of the day. Where are you getting this?
Anon
So you found out you’re not as marketable as you thought, at a company that’s doing layoffs, and you want to make it harder to work? Terrible plan unless you’re just working for kicks.
Anon
+1 You’re overpaid. Pay for daycare/preschool.
In-House Anon
“I feel like I just did wfh wrong and i should save all this money.”
I think this sort of attitude is what gives WHF a bad reputation. No, you are not doing “wfh wrong.” WFH is work and you must have adequate child care. I have been remote for 9 years (since right before my oldest was born) and my kids have had full time childcare except during the initial pandemic shutdowns. It stinks when your kids can’t go to daycare, but it happens, and you either take a sick day or work whenever you can. I am not sure why one sick day from daycare is leading to you questioning your entire childcare arrangement, but it sounds like maybe you have a job problem, not a childcare problem. My guess is, when you have a job you’re happier with, you won’t be thrown by a random kid sick day (and they get fewer as kids get older, thankfully!).
Anne-on
Posting from the land of elder millenials/young Gen-X. Ahem – ‘In my day’ I was required to get approval from my boss’s boss for my work from home ‘accomodation’ AND I had to submit a floor plan(!) of my apartment that showed I had a dedicated office space AND upload a copy of my daycare agreement to prove that I had at least 40-hr week childcare. I have never treated WFH as ‘lol, guess I’ll just nap and sign off at 3pm!’ Having to care for young children when daycares were shut down during the pandemic is NOT the same as trying to WFH while also caring for a child because you don’t want to pay for daycare.
Anon
Well said. WFH is work.
Anonymous
I still have to prove that I have child care while WFH.
Anonymous
A couple thoughts from a mom on the other side of this (my youngest is about to start kindergarten).
1) I did exactly what you suggest when my oldest was born. I had a job that would take whatever I was willing to give it. I was paying $2800/month in 2015 in daycare, worked fully remote but had a bunch of travel. I dropped a day of daycare and my fees went to $2300/month. Kiddo was home with me on Mondays which was a day I picked because I often traveled and left on Monday nights, there are a ton of Monday holidays, etc. I had this until my kid transitioned to preschool and it was great! I think there were maybe a handful of occasions when I had to be in all day meetings or something so I got a sitter or DH took the day off or WFH.
2) I was promoted 3x during the time above. Our company was acquired when I was pregnant with my second and I was laid off with a massive package (over year’s salary including my bonus. they laid off a pregnant woman in leadership–they knew what they were doing). I ended up going out on my own to do freelancing which has been the best life decision i’ve ever made. I have a couple of long term clients and I make about 60% of the take-home I did working my old job with about 25% the effort and 10% the stress. I’ve had this setup for about 5 years and honestly it’s the reason we ended up having a 3rd kiddo who is one of the best parts of our lives.
3) Your toddler will only be a toddler for a few more years. That means both that if you want to push through and work, it won’t be that long. It also means you have a short window to enjoy it, so if you want to spend the time with your kid (actively enjoying him/her, not parking them in front of a screen while you work for 4 hours), then do it!
4) are you planning to have other children? That may factor into your decision. WFH is a god-send with elementary school aged kids. DH WFH 3x/week, and I’m home all week long. We can meet the bus, deal with random days off and half days and snow days and in person meetings and all the after school activities. We just block the time on our calendars.
Before you think we are just some hacks, DH is an SVP and when we had our first kid he was a director. he’s been given feedback that he is always available when the company needs him, he gets stellar performance reviews. Plus, they like that he’s a “role model dad” and leaves to coach or do pickup or takes full week vacations during school vacation week. i think he gets 6 weeks of PTO a year and takes almost all of it. He took 4 weeks of paternity leave with kid #2 and #3 (they didn’t have it when our first was born). I left my Corporate job as a VP and do freelance work at the executive level in tech. I pick my clients carefully and they know what they get when they hire me in terms of my availability.
I know we are not alone because my youngest goes to PK from 9-1 or 9-3 depending on the day and there are many families who have two full time working parents and the parents are the ones doing pick up and dropoff. Sometimes it’ll be a sitter or a grandparent if they have meetings.
Anon
Please don’t go out of your way to prove a negative stereotype about working moms, or people who WFH generally. Some of us had to spend years convincing our employers we weren’t secretly sneaking off to baby-and-me yoga classes in the middle of a work day.
If you want to find a different job – fine. It’s a job seekers market out there. Or if you want to go part-time, pursue that. But no, most of the Full Time folks with kids that I know actually work during the day.
Anonymous
+100 – I am one of those ones who sneaks off occasionally in the middle of the day, but I am a private practice attorney who bills time, so every hour I’m gone in the middle of the day for an appointment is made up at night or on the weekend. You can’t work full time and only work 3 hours a day. That’s insane.
Anonymous
+1 as someone who is actually full-time remote and has kids. The kids are in school/ afterschool/ daycare while I work. If kids are sick, DH and I either take shifts and make up hours later (clearly communicated to our teams and we are at a level where we can do this) or take PTO (that’s why you hear about working parents hoarding their PTO). I do not need other people giving working moms a bad name.
anon
I WFH full time but have almost total control over my schedule. Toddler is in daycare four days a week, six hours a day. The fifth day is a mix of family members watching kiddo, but starting next year we will do five days a week. Because of the flexible nature of my job, I don’t work between 3-7pm, and then I work more after bedtime and on weekends. I remain available by email/Teams between 3 and 5. I am a high performer and get excellent reviews.
River bird
This is just life with a toddler in daycare. If you had a nanny, the nanny could call in sick too. It’s just unpredictable. If you or partner can’t take a sick day, you need to figure out backup care. Maybe your employer has a program that subsidizes emergency care?
Whatever you do, do not attempt to work from home while watching a kid. That is just an exercise in frustration and feeling like you are incompetent at both tasks. And you will be exhausted.
As for what I do in the real world, my younger is in full time daycare /preschool, my older is in elementary, and we have an au pair to cover gaps. My spouse and I both work full time hybrid. Getting that extra childcare coverage has been crucial for my mental health and success at work. And then when I’m with my kids, I can be more present because I’m not worrying about when I’ll get my work done.
River bird
And I should clarify, don’t attempt wfh while watching kid long term. Heaven knows we all have to do that in a pinch.
Anonymous
I’ve never had the kind of luck one needs to get away with something like that. Even as a biglaw associate, there always seemed to be a couple of people (white men) who regularly slacked off and still got ahead or at least didn’t get fired. Yet when I try to put in like 75% instead of 100%, even for a day even for a very good reason, I’m the worst person ever. Same thing was true in school; in undergrad I had to drop out shortly before finals due to a parent’s sudden very serious illness and subsequent death, and one of my professors gave me an incomplete which turns into an F after a few years, which it did because I could no longer afford to go to that school (I went back to school elsewhere). The final was only worth 20% of the grade and I’d gotten 100% on every other assignment, so even if he’d given me a 0 on the final I still would’ve passed. I know plenty of people who dropped out of college mid semester because they liked the beach more than school and they were able to resuscitate their grades when they decided to go back years later. Ymmv but I don’t think women especially moms get the kind of leeway needed to get away with slacking to the extent you read about online.
Bette
Not trying to pile on but I don’t know anyone who is doing what you propose and if they would, they would not last long. This is a very risky proposition for your career and for your sanity. And honestly, I doubt you’ll get the kind of quality bonding time you might be looking for because you’ll constantly be juggling and unable to give your kid focused time during the day. I’d rather give my child a fully present parent for 3 hours in the evening than a distracted multitasking parent 8+ hours in the day. The only way I could see this working is if you hire a daytime babysitter to actually provide focused childcare.
Daycare closures due to illness are just part of having a young child but there are ways to make them less disruptive. Why not build a roster of daytime babysitters you can call in a pinch, or sign up for a nanny agency who send someone on a short notice? Also if you want to go the full-time nanny route, you can absolutely find someone who wants to be paid on the books.
I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time – this is a difficult phase of life. It sounds like you’re not in the right job/career – if I were you I’d do some soul searching to find out whether I want to continue working or be a SAHM for a few years. If it’s the latter, then just quit your job while you’re in good standing, don’t put everyone through the misery of having to performance manage you out. If you want to stay in the workforce, then find a job that gets you excited or at least doesn’t make you feel the way you’re describing.
Anon
I think I’m one of the people you mentioned since I’ve posted here about my job situation. I have a full time job on paper but almost never work before 10 or after 3 and am home with my kids in the afternoons. For a variety of reasons, I’m unlikely to get fired, and since I started doing this my performance reviews have improved (although I received an IMO unfairly harsh review at the start of the pandemic before I made a conscious choice to cut my hours).
That said, my kids are school age and that’s pretty different than a toddler. I could work in the 3-5 pm window if needed. And I have a unique job that makes this possible (no billing, barely any meetings). I think there are a lot of jobs where it wouldn’t work. Also daycare (at least in my area) is pretty much all or nothing, and you need some childcare, so I’m not sure how much money you’d save by dropping to a part-time schedule anyway.
Seventh Sister
Part-time preschool will also send kids home if sick. Some of my friends reported that sort of preschool was often worse than full-time daycare in terms of things like a kid with a clear runny nose, coughing that wouldn’t go away, etc. Also kids change – your toddler may be able to mostly amuse themselves for a few hours on their own but that may not be true in a year or two.
Anon
Yes, preschools are generally worse than daycares about sick days. With the exception of the height of the pandemic, I’ve never heard of a daycare that didn’t allow kids to attend with a runny nose and most also don’t care about a mild cough if there’s no fever or lethargy, but preschools often exclude kids for runny noses and coughs. Preschool is definitely not a way to get childcare with fewer sick days.
Seventh Sister
My kids’ daycare (way before COVID) was so chill about clear runny noses that the condition was referred to as, “[Daycare Name] Nose.”
Another thing to consider with four-day-a-week preschool is WHICH days. Most federal and state holidays fall on Mondays, and I had a friend that paid for partial preschool then was steamed that her kid barely got to attend a full week between holiday Mondays and religious holidays.
Anon
My daughter is a college student and part time nanny. She supports a family where the dad works full time from home, and the mom works part time sometimes in the home and sometimes out of the home. She works 4 hours a day 3 days per week.
So nannies like this exist, but it only works because the mom in the family works part time and is able to take the baby while the mom is gone. Otherwise mom is on mom duty while dad is working. I don’t see how this would work if you’re home alone and working full time, and don’t have a person to hand the baby off to during all of the hours you’re expected to be working.
Honestly, having had kids of my own (obviously) and a career, I think daycare rather than a nanny is the way to go once they’re old enough to get something out of socialization. I realize day cares will send a kid home with a cold or having thrown up or whatever, but if you have a nanny, what happens when your nanny is sick, or just plain doesn’t show up, or quits very suddenly? All of my peer group moms went through various child care related drama (and WHY is it never the dads?) but the ones with nannies in my experience had the most drama.
Anon
oops, 2nd paragraph – the NANNY is able to take the baby while mom is gone.
Anonymous
This is mommytracking yourself. So if that’s what you want then I guess go for it? I made ot work during the pandemic, but I wouldn’t choose it. My kid was also extremely easygoing and watched a LOT of tv. Like hours a day. He also napped for hours. My job was essentially data entry. I do t know how you’d do it if you’re in meetings. And if you’re even vaguely considering having more kids definitely do not do this.
Anon
I do WFH and have daycare from 7-6. I work 8-5:30, and often evenings. I do sometimes take advantage of WFH to fit in a quick lunch time workout or throw in some laundry but I absolutely could not do a full time job with one or both of my toddlers home and it would not be fair to my employer. Are you thinking about posts where people have talked about doing school pick up at 3? I think those people take advantage of flex to do that but then log on and make up hours later in the day. And while I certainly take advantage of WFH to make the occasional event at daycare – those are one hour one offs maybe 3-4 times a year, more akin to long lunches than anything else. But 40 hours of work gets done a week, just without a commute and with the perk of being able to, say, use some time at lunch to garden or run to the store. It isn’t made to ghost for half the day.
Anon
I wouldn’t assume that every parent who leaves at 3 for school pickup is “logging on later to make up the hours.” The idea that a workweek has to be exactly 40 hours feels very outdated to me. Especially post-pandemic, but even pre-pandemic it was headed that way. To me the 9-6 workweek was left behind when the internet was invented and employees were reachable on nights and weekends. If my employer is going to intrude on my personal life by needing something from me urgently at 8 pm or 11 am on a Saturday, I don’t feel like I owe them 100% of the traditional workday hours. Some weeks I work more than 40 hours, some weeks I work a lot less. The average is definitely less and I don’t feel guilty about that. I get my stuff done, the hours worked aren’t very relevant. But with respect to OP, I do think school age kids are very different than toddlers, and having ~30 hours/week of childcare from K-12 school is very different than the 12 hours of daycare OP is contemplating.
Anon
I got a social media notice today from a friend that she’s completed her doctorate in physical therapy, and it is now time to take her licensure exam. She’s created a fundraiser to help her and her cohort raise the money for the exam prep materials. Is this a thing? I never would have thought to do something like this to raise money to pay for my Barbri prep material/classes. Is this a thing??
Anon
Maybe it’s in lieu of a present registry? Or why I just give cash to all graduates now?
anon
It shouldn’t be a thing. This is a new one to me.
Anonymous
Apparently it’s a thing for her. A thing you can fully ignore.
Anonymous
I think people are just more open about asking for money these days. Again, I try not to judge for fear of becoming the “old man who shakes fist at clouds.” Maybe she feels like she contributes to everyone’s wedding and baby registry so why not? I also personally think it’s kind of crazy that you need a doctorate to practice as a pt these days. I’d rather have a pt with more clinical experience and less academic knowledge if given the choice. Seems like they’re just upping the barrier to entry.
Anon
This. My PT has a master’s and is great. The extra year of school just adds expense twice – once in the tuition and again in opportunity cost.
Monday
If this is true, it still isn’t the graduate’s fault. She may just have perceived what she needed to do to get her target job, and then done it despite it being expensive and time-consuming. Nearly every field seems to have had credential inflation over time, including law of course. In my (health care) field the trend seems to be more certificates needed + lower barriers to get these certificates–basically just generating fees without improving the actual quality of anyone’s training. Great!
I’m with the commenter above who suggested this may be someone who did all the wedding and baby gifts and decided to ask for help on her own life milestone. If it was a close friend, I’d probably contribute along with sending good wishes.
Anon
The masters programs are phased out and the doctorate is required for licensure. Similar to what has happened with pharmacists and now with nurse practitioners.
Anon
What does it even mean? I do not actually need my pharmacist or my NP to have done original research work in their field.
Cora
I completely get the wedding/baby registry combination – but I would almost feel better with a graduation registry than a gofundme? Although I guess this is kind of a form of a registry. Instead of buying a cusinart you’re buying exam prep books.
Anon
the schooling hasn’t changed that that much
Anonymous
All PTs have a doctorate? They get a DPT on graduating from PT school (3 years post-undergrad). It’s like how MDs have a doctorate. They do a combination of coursework and clinical work.
Anon
OP here–You captured my feelings exactly with “old man who shakes fist at clouds”. I don’t know why I felt like that, but I definitely did and I don’t want to be him.
Anonymous
There’s probably people in your life who would find this beyond tacky and you never would have even thought to do this for fear of judgement. So it seems, on some level, like an unfair transgression of a social norm. But really it has nothing to do with you, so you just have to remind the old man in your head to be quiet. Or at least I do.
Anon
This is not a thing but if others want to donate so be it. I personally wouldn’t.
Anonymous
I think a friend’s doctorate is the same kind of occasion as wedding, christening or 50th anniversary. If you would give a present at those for this friend, a contribution is relevant.
You can give money with the message Congrats on the doctorate! You are awesome and will rock your exam! Best of luck! Or similar.
Anon
I wouldn’t give a gift for any of those other events unless I was invited to the wedding, christening, or anniversary party. I would be happy to give a phd gift if I’m invited to a party, but absent that it seems tacky
Anonymous
I don’t donate to things like this, I don’t trust that people will use the money as it’s intended. I think if you ask for money for X you should use the money for X and if you get too much then you should give it back or preferably stop accepting money after your goal is met. But I also think if you’re going to give someone money then you have to accept that you’re giving without strings and they may or may not do X with it. I’ve personally known two people who started gofundmes and neither used the money for its intended purpose.
anon
If I received a solictation like this, my first thought might be to consider if my friend has fallen on really hard times and has no other way to prepare for the exam.
If that wasn’t the case, this seems really strange and I wouldn’t want to participate. If I want to give a gift, I’ll pick something out.
anonshmanon
I’m looking at it from an inclusion angle. It’s definitely true that for a lot of educational stuff, being able to drop a few 1000 on stuff can vastly improve the chances of success. Costly prep materials/courses, books, transport, housing or a mode of transport that saves you hours each week, and the ability to take unpaid extracurricular activities or internships, are all big gatekeepers.
Anon
Oh my goooooddddddd not every thing you see for the first time is “a thing”
Anon
I think it’s time to leave my job. I’m in a unique circumstance in that I have been with my organization for 24 years. I’ve held multiple roles, in multiple departments, and worked my way up the corporate ladder. But after 5 years in my current role, I’m miserable. Had anyone here left an organization after that much time? What’s it like on the other side? I want to make sure I’m not jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. If it matters, I’m 46 and I plan on working another 20-24 years (God willing).
Anon
I’d definitely talk with an executive headhunter and see what they say. After 24 years in one place, you’re going to be very used to its culture and will have a hard time convincing other employers you know how to be flexible and adapt to new places.
Anon
Can you just move into another role?
Anonymous
The hard part of this is you can’t guarantee you’re going to make the jump and land in a great situation where you want to stay long-term. And after spending your entire adult working life in one place, that’s probably pretty scary and risky to think about. Along with looking for the new job, I’d spend quite a bit of time working through the emotions and (inevitable) uncertainty that this change will bring.
Anon
That’s going to be tough. I work somewhere where average tenure is 20 years plus, and people who’ve left have typically regretted it. Since you’ve moved around your company before, why not do it again if your issue is your role? That’s going to be much less uphill battle.
Anon
I have a friend whose entire career was with one company until he left around age 40. He is much, much happier in his new role.
My advice for any situation like this: settle in for a long job hunt. It might be harder to find a job, but you don’t have to convince every company to hire you, just own company that is a good fit.
Try reaching out to former colleagues to see how they like their new companies. They can help with the issue of how new company culture is different from the old company culture.
In-House Anon
This sort of situation is not super uncommon at my company. I personally worked with two long-time (20+ year) executives who left for other roles. One left for a prestigious role at a company in another industry, and has been quite successful there. The other left for a role at a company in the same industry, but returned to my company after a couple years. She was welcomed back and is in a similar (maybe slightly higher level?) role to the one she had before she left. Definitely worth seeing what’s out there!
LawDawg
I left my first job after 18 years and I found that I had a great network in the industry to help me with next steps. Your longevity at one place means that you have worked with lots of other people who have already moved on. Take advantage of that and start out by doing networking. Good luck!
Anon
I thought the same thing about jumping into the fire while I was at my last job long term. However, I found that when I did finally leave, things at the new company were so.much.better. I had no idea and wish I had know this before I left so I would have had less anxiety about leaving. Start job searching and see what is out there. Yes, you probably will have to take a cut in pay (I did) but the better working environment is well worth it.
Flats Only
Before you jump make sure you really know what’s actually making you miserable, and that the new opportunity will address that issue directly. Are you bored with the work, so a different subject area or type of task would improve things? Is it the boss/coworkers/customers in your current role? Has the corporate culture begun to chafe i.e. too much butt-in-seat, or remote work, or too many BS corporate initiatives? It would be a pity to change jobs and waste your institutional knowledge and whatever “tenure” / goodwill you’ve built up only to have the same problems at a new org and less leeway to solve them.
theguvnah
It is a career killer to be at a place that long now. get out asap.
Anonymous
Are you saying this as someone who has been working for 24 years, or someone who is early in her career? I do a lot of interviewing for my current company, and we value longevity with one prior employer (particularly if the prospective employee has been with a well-respected firm for many years–it reads as stable, trustworthy and reliable). It doesn’t always work in the employee’s favor, comp-wise, but certainly isn’t a “career killer.” (Full disclosure–not in law).
Anon
I think this is industry dependent. In tech it seems like people assume you’re toxic if you’ve been somewhere longer than 5 years, but I’m in higher ed (staff) and spending many years at one institution is completely normal. Most college towns and small cities only have one university, so institution-hopping would involve a lot of physical moving around, and people understand that that’s not something most people want to do. It’s not like Silicon Valley where you have thousands of tech companies in the same metro area.
Anon
It’s totally industry dependent. I work in government/government contracting and long tenures are much more normal. People who hop around are still looked at askance. 24 years with one company would just mean the person was gearing up for their second (or third) act. They’d be seen as valuable – which may be helpful to the OP; if you want to jump out, look at government or government contractors. The pay might be less but you’re not likely to get much static about staying “too long” in one place.
Anonymous
In cases like yours the most successful transitions i’ve seen are people that went to work with clients/partners/vendors where there’s a pre-existing relationship.
Anon
I did! I worked for a company for 20 years and did all kinds of different things within the company, though outsiders always looked at 20 years in one place as doing the same exact thing for 20 years.
I left and spent 4 years at another company, and now I work for myself. No regrets at all. I learned a lot working for the other company for 4 years, like a different perspective and some new skills that hadn’t been relevant at the 20 year company.
I am sometimes nostalgic for the 20 year company, but the truth was that the company I miss isn’t there any more. After multiple reorgs, I don’t even recognize it, and I hardly know anyone there anymore due to a combination of mass layoffs and voluntary resignations (me.)
Anonymous
I left a position after 16 years and am so happy I did. I was burnt out by the nonstop, round the clock culture at my old firm and desperately needed a change. I landed in a higher level position that pays more in salary but with less vested equity so ends up being a pay cut. But the culture is so much better and I am very happy that I took the leap and tried something else. I won’t stay in my current job anywhere as long but still like the change. I do think in this market it is a strike against you to have stayed in one position for so long. Some employers think that you may be risk averse, inflexible or not good with change so you have to convince them otherwise.
Anon
Does anyone have recommendations for an immigration attorney for a US citizen who wants to retire to Australia?
Anonymous
There was a convo a few days ago about filing a suit against a builder for construction flaws – what are your thoughts on small claims court for something similar and smaller? We had some work done inside our house (adding pocket doors) and they royally screwed up and have been ghosting us.
Anonymous
Even if you get a judgment then you have to collect on it. There’s no guarantee you’re going to get your money. Personally I would not put myself through the hassle of a lawsuit for less than $5k, but you have to decide how much your time and emotional energy are worth to you.
What you CAN do though is contact BBB, the construction licensing board, and your local consumer protection agency. In some states it’s part of the AG’s office. I did this (not with construction) and had an ok experience. The store where I got my wedding dress closed without warning after we’d paid for the dress but before I got it. Apparently the store never paid the manufacturer either. The dress was my mom’s wedding gift to me and she had paid by check not card, so there was no cc company to help. The AG’s office was able to get a couple hundred dollars back for my mom. Not the entire cost but better than nothing. And we didn’t have to go through the trouble of dealing with the court.
Anonymous
Honestly, as an attorney, unless you’re going to recoup more than $25,000 or so, I would probably just let it go. The time and energy for less than that isn’t worth it to me.
Josie P
Is the contractor licensed? If so, check your state and see if they have a ‘contractor registry’ or similar. I live in MA and we have something called a ‘contractor guaranty fund’ that will pay out up to $10,000 if the contractor ghosts you, but note they MUST be licensed. I had to go to court and get a judgment and then send that to the guaranty fund, but it was a straightforward process and we did get the $10K back in the end (note that it took about 2 years, though!).
anon
I am new to MA and did not know this. Fascinating!
Anonymous
Honestly, if it’s a small claim this is very very easy in my jurisdiction. You can just head down to the clerk of the local courthouse and they’ll help you file a claim. There’s a chance you get a judgment they can’t pay but I think the local judge will be very sympathetic and it won’t cost you more than filing fees and a morning or so of your time.
Permanent retainer
Does anyone have a permanent retainer or have kids who do? My 8 year old went to the orthodontist who is recommending round one of braces for 15 months and then a permanent retainer that will be glued to the inside of his bottom teeth until round 2 of braces, and then after that, the permanent retainer will stay on indefinitely. This is all new to me – I had braces once in high school and I guess permanent retainers were not a thing. I don’t like the idea of that and was wondering if anyone has any experience? We are getting a second opinion.
Anon
I’ve had mine for 30 years, no problems. It does a great job of keeping my teeth in place. Why go through all the cost and effort of braces if you don’t want your teeth to stay in place? They definitely move back if you don’t have some kind of retainer.
Anon
The only drawback is that food can stick under it, but that turns out to be a hidden positive because it’s turned me into an allstar flosser. I never skip a day!
Curious
+1. Mine broke once, but it was inexpensive to fix, and my teeth haven’t moved, even in the decade I couldn’t be caught dead with my removable retainer.
Monday
I had this after braces in my 20s (in the 00’s). It wasn’t as big a deal as it sounds like. It was behind my teeth and invisible to anyone. Over the years following, it slowly fell apart and eventually I had it removed by an orthodontist. Now I just wear a retainer at night (when I’m being good about it). Can’t speak to how any of this might be different in a child, but there’s my experience. I think it was well worth it to maintain the changes made by braces.
Anon
Yeah, def wish my orthodontist had done a permanent retainer. I had the plastic ones, but my aunt’s dog ate mine when I took them out to eat like a week after I got my braces off, and my teeth slipped in the 3 days it took me to get replacements made – agh!
Anonymous
I had a wire stuck to the back of my bottom teeth from 18 to until I was about 27, which was after braces that came off at 17 or 18. The wire was used to making sure my teeth didn’t move out of place after the braces and as I grew into adulthood. The second dentist removed the wire as she said she didn’t see a need for it as I was an adult and she didn’t see any changes in my jaw after I was 25.
Anonymous
I am 35 and have a permanent retainer on the inside of my bottom teeth. It is no big deal but I do need to floss it thoroughly. If you can, try to get one that is only connected by the farthest tooth on either side, rather than connected to each tooth individually, so that it’s easier to floss and brush. It has kept my bottom teeth straight for many years with no issues.
Anon
They’re very normal and common.
BeenThatGuy
My son has permanent retainers. It’s a small metal piece that lines the back of the lower and upper teeth. He also wears an upper retainer at night (ahem, most of the time). It’s only been 2.5 years since the braces came off but I’m hopeful the teeth stay as perfect as they are now.
MuttIsMyCopilot
I had one on my lower teeth post-braces, with a regular retainer up top. As long as they’ll actually floss under it and use the pipe cleaner things, it’ll do it’s job. Caveat that it will make artifacts in a cranial MRI, and after many years I snapped mine on a carrot. I couldn’t get it out and couldn’t get to the dentist for a few days. In the meantime eating was hard and I stabbed my tongue several times. I didn’t replace it, but I was in college and my teeth were fairly settled at that point.
Anon
I had my permanent retainer removed in college which was maybe 15-20 years ago, so they’ve been around for a while. It was annoying and made it difficult to floss. My teeth look fine.
Anon
I’ve had mine since high school and I’m 33 – I only notice it when I have to floss because I need to use annoying floss to get under the metal bar.
nuqotw
I have a permanent retainer on the bottom and I love it. I lost my non-permanent top retainer pretty quickly and while my top teeth look fine they have definitely moved more than the bottom ones.
One end of the permanent retainer did pop loose after 20+ years and I was able to get it reattached. The orthodontist I consulted wanted to make me a removable one because a permanent one is not as good an anchor as a removable one that holds all the teeth in place. I declined because I know myself – I have not developed the ability to keep track of a retainer. He was unimpressed but did restore the permanent one after he took a series of CYA tooth images.
My FIL was a dentist and has a pretty conservative view about braces – they make the teeth more mobile, so do them if only if the natural tooth placement causes problems (eating, speaking, brushing/cleaning).
OP
Thank you all for the replies! I guess I am showing my age – I had braces more than 30 years ago and maybe it was a thing then and I just didn’t hear about it. Appreciate the sanity check!
PolyD
I had a permanent lower retainer for about 25 years. My dentist says it contributed to gum recission on the teeth that had the bands. I didn’t need gum surgery and they seem to be okay now. My teeth didn’t really move after she took the retainer off.
I have a night guard for teeth clenching and I wear it religiously – no idea if that’s helped with the teeth not moving (I probably got it within about 5-10 years of having the retainer removed).
Anon
They’re very common. I don’t have one and wish I did! I religiously wore my retainer for a few years as directed but my teeth have shifted and are crooked again. I’m jealous of those with permanent retainers who still have straight teeth (or those who were instructed by their orthodontist to continue wearing a retainer after 3 years!)
Anon
I’ve had one on my bottom teeth since getting my braces off in middle school, so about 20 years. It’s pretty standard – most of my friends have it as well – and doesn’t bother me at all. Friends who don’t have the permanent retainer are the ones whose teeth are now starting to get a bit more crooked. Mine are still perfectly straight. I would not invest the $$$ in braces without planning for some sort of retainer (either permanent or plastic mold, but the molds seem MUCH easier to lose).
Anon
I got permanent retainers installed after completing invisalign in my 30s. I had also had braces as a teen and got removable retainers but – shockingly! – I did not keep up with wearing them and my teeth shifted.
I’m a fan and wish I’d gotten them when I had braces originally ~25+ years ago as I probably wouldn’t have needed the additional invisalign time.
Only downsides are getting used to the feeling of it being in your mouth and that food gets stuck under it. I had one detach slightly a few years ago, and my regular dentist (not the ortho) was able to glue it back on no problem.
Anonymous
My daughter had a permanent retainer on her upper teeth after her first round of braces. She was also instructed to wear a removable retainer. On two different occasions within a one-year span the plastic glue on the permanent retainer snapped and the wire came loose and poked her. The second time was over the weekend and I had to call the orthodontist’s emergency number; the on-call orthodontist told me to twist the wire and snap the plastic off, which I really did not like doing. She did nothing to cause the breakage (eating crunchy or sticky foods etc.).
After her second round of braces I refused the permanent retainers because I didn’t want her to be away at camp or college when they broke and she swore she’d wear the removable ones. Of course she quit wearing the removable retainers and her teeth have started to drift, but that’s her problem now.
anon
Yeah, I do. Have for nearly 30 years (!) now. It’s never been an issue. The wire broke once, and my teeth started moving within days. Kinda scary. It definitely serves a purpose but I’ve heard they’re actually less common now!
Cb
Yep, I’m on year 13 of mine and I saw the dentist today and it’s hanging strong. I stopped wearing my retainer though so the tooth has gone a bit crooked.
Anon
ha! I had a permanent retainer on my lower front four teeth, and my teeth moved anyway. They just bent the retainer.
Anon
I guess I am the only voice of dissent. I felt exactly like you, and decided not to have the permanent retainer placed on my teen’s teeth when she finished braces.
Anon
Experienced home buyer (7 purchases) coming from the south and buying my first home up north (CT) where real estate transactions are handled differently. I’m used to a title/closing shop system, where your agent has a closing shop they work well with (you’re welcome to shop around, but why bother?), and the title and all that is handled behind the scenes between the agents and lender, and you’re just told when and where to show up with how much money. It’s a beautiful, stress-free situation.
For this purchase, I was given 5 attorney recs – two from my lender, three from my agent – and was recommended to call around to each. Thinking they’d all be relatively equal, and it’s a fairly straightforward, repetitive transaction, and my agent and lender have been unbelievably fantastic so surely their recs are too, I picked one. It took 48 hours for the attorney to call back – turns out the delay was because she had just tested positive for COVID, but I figured NBD. After the initial call with the attorney, never heard anything from them. Two and a half weeks go by. My lender’s been mentioning for a week that they’re still waiting on the title. Yesterday was 5 business days before closing. So I call, and am told by another paralegal that the paralegal assigned to my file is out and she will respond to my inquiry tomorrow. “So, there’s no one who can tell me the status of the title while she’s out?” “Well, I can as a favor. Let’s see, looks like it was ordered two weeks ago.” “Ok, well, that seems like plenty of time. Is it in yet?” “Oh, yep, looks like it came in last week.” “Ok, was she going to send it over to the lender? They’ve been asking for a week.” “Oh, [paralegal’s] out today. She can do that tomorrow.” “So there’s no one who can send over the title now? Closing is Friday and I need the final number on closing costs.” “No. [Paralegal] can do it tomorrow.” No explanations, no apologies, just no. Call again this morning. Paralegal’s still out. Now the same woman I spoke to yesterday says she’ll get around to sending it over by COB today.
I am FIRED UP. I’m closing from 500 miles away; they haven’t communicated to me at all (no “Hi, I’m Jill, I’m the paralegal handling your transaction”); they sat on the title for a week; and they REFUSED to help yesterday. TF?! On what planet do you tell a client with a time-sensitive business request NO?
But I’m trying to take a step back and realize that 1) I’m new to the NE and this may be totally normal operation there and 2) I have a TON going on in my life for the next ~6 weeks, so I’m primed to be greatly irritated by anything that adds headaches.
After this is over, I want to tell my lender (who recommended this place) how bad the service was, but I should know first whether or not this is bad service. So NE ladies, is this par for the course or is this bad service?
Anonymous
I mean come on. You’re having one bad experience and trying to make it a whole NE thing? I promise I don’t call all southerners stupid because of one waitress at a Waffle House one time.
Anon
Not OP but I’m pretty sure that one waitress at Waffle House was my kin in one way or another.
Anne-on
We’re in MA now but I’ve bought/sold/refinanced in NYC and it was the same situation – you had to be VERY on top of your lawyer and lender and the realtors absolutely knew who was/wasn’t good at their job. This is bad service and I would let your lender know, every good realtor/lendor I’ve dealt with knows their clients rely on their recommendations and is ruthless about culling folks from their lists.
Josie P
A little bit, but FWIW I find that real estate attorneys tend to do everything EXTREMELY last minute. (I am in MA). If you want more high-touch service you’ll have to pay way more.
Vicky Austin
I’m not sure why you’re fixating on geography as an explanation for this; it just sounds like you got a crap experience this time around.
Anonymous
Eh, I grew up in CT, bought houses there and in MA. You have a less than on-the-ball closing attorney, but I wouldn’t say it’s the worst out there. I historically go with the one that the real estate agent recommends and then make it their problem to ensure we close on time. In your case, I’d put this back on the lender- you recommended this firm to me, I went with them, YOU chase them.
Maybe the difference is the New England attitude of making them earn their fees ;).
FWIW I’ve had several closing attorneys and when issues popped up they were like a dog with a bone in terms of getting things resolved (we had a title issue, in another case there was a sketchy bit about lot lines that had to be dealt with).
Smokey
I can’t speak to CT specifically but this is not how residential transactions should be handled in the NE, although it is sometimes the case that residential settlements are done very much on a last minute basis. But this would make me crazy! Perhaps you should call the attorney who should be supervising the paralegals?
Anon
I’ve bought 2 houses in the northeast and we didn’t have any hiccups with our attorneys. We liked the one we used for our first closing so we used him for the sale. The attorney we used for the second closing (different state so different lawyer) was professional and his staff was also professional.
Lise
This was not at all my experience recently buying a house in CT (also coming from out of state). My agent recommended two lawyers, I called one first because she went to the same law school that I did so I figured why not, and she handled everything, it was completely straightforward. This just sounds like bad service.
anon a mouse
Your attorney is a dud, but the timing doesn’t seem out of the ordinary for friends in the NE who use attorneys instead of title shops. What’s really important is that they hit the timing for the closing disclosure – 3 business days – so if you need to close Friday, they need to get your CD to you today.
Anon
Has anyone done laser skin resurfacing (with a Co2 laser if it matters)? I have a deep sort of indentation on my nose from when I was a toddler and had a growth removed in a country with third world medicine. It’s like a big round acne scar that’s a few millimeters in diameter. I’ve always wanted to have it corrected. I also have some mild dents/acne scarring on my cheeks. I saw two facial plastic surgeons and both suggested a whole face resurfacing (one said it could be done in the office and the other suggested full anesthesia in the surgery center). Should I see a dermatologist also? I’m only 33 so I’m worried about recovery times and side effects and how my skin would change as I age. This seems to be a procedure that’s done more for aging. My skin is otherwise pretty good and I don’t really have any wrinkles (other than one setting in on my forehead). Appreciate hearing about people’s experience with this!
Bette
No firsthand experience but sounds like we have similar skin situations/concerns – I’m very interested to read other responses!
anon
I had Sciton Halo treatment. Well, still having, I guess. There has been no down time whatsoever and no side effects; this is over two years now. I did it for brown spots and red spots, what we think of as broken capillaries. The nurse started out conservatively and she insists we take the summers off even though I am very careful about sun protection; she says it doesn’t matter. Next week is my last appointment until fall, for example.
She uses a numbing cream although it’s very quick and the least invasive procedure I’ve ever had. Previously I’ve attacked the brown spots and red spots with other means.
I don’t know about the dent. But it seems to me that an aesthetician would be midway between a plastic surgeon and a dermatologist. Mine’s more on the medical side — not a Groupon-type medspa that does lip injections, if you know what I mean.
Costaricaanon
Anyone have ideas on where to stay in costa rica on a working farm or something like that where it would be unique and interesting for our 4 and 6 year olds? We are spending a few days at The Springs Resort and want to also show our kids ages 4 and 6 experiences outside of luxury hotels. Planning this trip for october 2023. Thanks
Anon
We stayed here a few years ago. Very, very chilled out and the owners can help plan/book all sorts of local activities. https://www.mundomilo.com/
Anon
Not a working farm but check out Tiskita Jungle Lodge – it’s an ecotourism site and very rustic. You arrive via prop plane onto a cattle field!
Anonymous
Regular poster but anon for embarrassing bathroom question. Preface this with I have anxiety but only two weeks on meds so far so it’s early days.
Say you’re showering and washing your rear end however you’d normally do that and waste comes out. Like it washes down the drain in seconds and you wouldn’t have noticed if you weren’t looking down or had a dark tile shower floor. Do you then keep showering like usual and assume that the 10 min of hot water and soap going thru the tub to the drain will take care of any bad germs on the tub floor? Or do you get out, spray down and clean tub, re shower, spray down any slippers you walked on to get to the cleaners, launder all bath mats – like the routine you’d do if a baby went to the bathroom in the tub?
Part of me thinks you shower to get nasty stuff off of you, so sometimes there will be gross stuff. But IDK first time this happened to me last week I did the whole cleaning and laundry routine because I was so grossed out by the idea that my feet had to walk where waste may have touched to get out of the tub. But with hemmhroids recently, cleanliness is an issue that I’m trying to address, yet to keep cleaning the tub and re shower is exhausting and adds hours to my day. WWYD? Anxiety? FWIW boyfriend laughed it off and was like your body is used to your germs, throw body wash on the shower floor, let hot water flow, keep showering and then walk in the tub, stand on the bath mat, put on slippers, put feet in bed as normal. I have no issue spray down the shower w Lysol or dumping in comet when I’m out.
Anonymous
Your boyfriend is correct.
Anonymous
I’m with our boyfriend. Without the part about laughing at you. (We struggle where we struggle, and changing how we think or approach things doesn’t happen on a dime.)
Anon.
I think the protocol you are describing is unnecessary unless you have explosive infectious diarrhea (like Noro).
If you want to clean the shower in addition to the hot water and soap you’re using on your body, you could take a sponge or cleaning cloth and a small bottle of dishwashing liquid with you and scrub the tub floor while you’re in it? After that, you can always re-soap yourself if you still feel dirty.
Vicky Austin
I’m also with your boyfriend, and I don’t remember anything more intense than what he describes for poop-in-the-tub incidents as a kid, either. But I’d do what makes you comfortable for right now, since treating your anxiety may change what that is.
Curious
+1 for how we currently handle poop in the tub. And my mom, who generally tends to think I’m an inferior housekeeper, agrees on this one.
Anon
Pee in the shower to wash it down?
I’m kidding, but yeah, human bodies do weird stuff now and then and your BF has the right idea.
Anonymous
I’m sorry that happened to you!
I also agree with your boyfriend, aside from the laughing. I would never think to do such a detailed cleaning routine for such a minor thing, and all I did when my baby did toilet in the tub was rinse everything down the drain and then wash the tub with plain old bar soap and warm water.
Anon
I’m with your boyfriend. That doesn’t seem like a big deal.
Anon
I pee in the shower daily and have my entire non-childhood life, including when my child was of the age to take daily baths in the tub. I always wash my body after and consider the suds that rinse into the tub and get washed down clean up any residual mess. I clean the tub itself once a week or so, but just with a sponge and general solid-surface cleaner and not like bleach or anything. This does not bother me at all.
Anonymous
FWIW the baby protocol is because babies are a different beast than adults. They sit around in the tub in their own bath water for a half hour, putting hands in the water and then hands go in the mouth. And that protocol is for when a baby actually goes to the bathroom in the tub. What your describing of course happens with kids and adults – cleaning crevices and sometimes you find they weren’t clean enough before. As you say – that’s why people bathe. At most you switch to a new wash cloth or whatever but whatever flows down the shower floor just goes.
And IDK if this is true for all parents but for many like us – we followed the exact protocols like 5 times for kid one and that was that. Then for that kid and all other kids, we didn’t do more than just squirting some extra soap and letting the water do its job. Frankly no one has the time and energy to bleach and scrub and re bathe the kid when said kid needs to go to bed.
Please soothe your anxiety. I’d hate to see anyone so upset about this and scrubbing the tub and showering and re showering to the point of exhaustion. I’m not saying snap out of it – that’s not how anxiety works. I’m saying do whatever it takes that’s an EASY solution here. I like the idea of bringing a bottle of Dawn into the shower with you – you see anything – you squirt some Dawn on the shower floor, it does its work while you continue to shower with body wash putting even more soap on the floor and then you get out when ready and stand anywhere, go to bed whatever.
Anon
+1 to the routine for Baby 1 but not for any babies after that!
Anonymous
I have an only and there was no routine here, not even the first time it happened. It’s not toxic waste, soap and water are all that’s needed.
Anon
Yeah my only child only pooped in the tub once, but we just cleaned it with soap and water.
Anonymous
When you wash sometimes things come out that weren’t cleaned well enough before. It’s why you wash. And no you don’t need to create an hours worth of extra work because of that, you can shrug it off and get on with your night. It’s ok. Breathe. This will get easier as your anxiety abates.
Safari in Tanzania?
My husband and I are planning a safari this summer, and have decided on Tanzania. Can anyone here recommend a good safari outfit? That is, an entity that will take us on safari, not like Melania Trump’s Safari Barbie getup. Also, any pointers, tips, recommendations, warnings, anything at all about safari in Tanzania are most gratefully welcome!
Anon
Not specifically familiar with Tanzania, but most of the lodges will take you on game drives, so you don’t necessarily need to hire a specific “safari outlet” unless you want an organized tour. If you’re comfortable booking flights and hotels (lodges) on your own, I would just do that.
Anon
we used Karell Travel to plan a safari trip to Africa. They are a travel agent. Two good safari companies are Wilderness Safari and &Beyond
Anonymous
Yes! We did Tanzania for our honeymoon. We used Access2Tanzania, which I liked a lot. They are US-based, which I liked for communication times/payment purposes, but have local employees in Tanzania (actual employees; a lot of “safari operators” just subcontract to other companies in Tanzania). You have a private jeep/guide, which was nice. We did a few days in Tarangire, a day at Lake Manyara on our way to Ngorongoro Crater, a full day in Ngorongoro, and then a few days in the Serengeti. Some companies recommended skipping Tarangire because we went in the “rainy season” (we went at like the last week or two of the rainy season, it didn’t rain the entire time we were there. This is actually a great time to go because the rates are still lower but strong chance the weather will be fine, especially lately–climate change is messing with the weather patterns) because the vegetation is lush and supposedly it makes it harder to spot animals in Tarangire, but we didn’t find that to be the case at all. If I was doing it over again, I would probably skip Lake Manyara and add another day in Ngorongoro because it had the highest concentration of wildlife/best chance to see rhinos. We did I think 10 days total on safari, which honestly was a little long–you get to a point where it’s “oh look, another lion. Whatever.” A week is probably enough. We also did a few days in Zanzibar after safari–I would skip that. Stay in the tent camps in Tarangire and the Serengeti, not lodges. It’s a great experience. (I would stay in a lodge in Ngorongoro just because it’s at the top of the crater and cold). And eat all the soups! For whatever reason, they have really excellent soup.
Anonymous
Long comment in mod, but Access2Tanzania for a company, and you don’t need a travel agent-just book with the safari company directly.
Anon
Minor vent: my boss is terrible when it comes to communication (we once went 3 weeks without talking about anything besides saying hello in the mornings). She was unexpectedly out sick last week for 3 days and is now (unrelated to illness) wfh today. For both the illness and being wfh she never communicated this with our team. I ended up having to cover for her on a few projects last week once we realized she was out. I feel like I stepped up to the plate and did a decent job handling tasks that are out of my wheelhouse. Today on our phone check in (was supposed to be in person) she was irritated I hadn’t made as much progress as anticipated on an assignment she gave to me just prior to getting sick. I was tempted to be snarky but kindly reminded her that her boss had asked me to cover while my boss was out sick and thus I had much less time to dedicate to this assignment than usual. Like excuse me – you were out sick for 3 days and totally offline, didn’t tell your team so I had to scramble to cover for you (as requested by boss’ boss) and now you’re irritated? Additionally boss’ boss was irritated about how I formatted a project that I covered for my boss on. I am not a mind reader – if you wanted it done a certain way and you know that my boss usually handles this and I don’t, please give me some guidance.
FWIW, aside from this boss I’m the next senior person on our team of 4. I have been here for 10 months and I am totally new to the world of teapot manufacturing, having previously worked in the related but different work of coffee pot operations.
Anon
I’m so sorry. I had this boss and the only thing that saved my sanity was that my boss’ boss was amazing. You can’t win with folks like your boss. If you don’t cover for her, you’re dropping the ball, and if you do she resents you for it. There’s no good solution except to get away from them.
Vicky Austin
No advice, but commiseration. After repeated acknowledgement from the managers of our team that they are bad at delegating, we had a little meeting yesterday to make sure everyone had enough to work on. Two people were absent and there still wasn’t really enough for everyone, but most of us came away with something to do. One of the two who missed it messaged me today to ask if they could help with half of something I was doing and I said sure. I finished the other half, only to find that the big boss had done it already, literally an hour after I was assigned it in the meeting (and not told that it was an ASAP item or anything!). I’m starting to feel like I’m going crazy.
Sarah
Very basic question: I’ve seen folks on here mention putting a sale tracker on an item they want but don’t want to pay full price for. How do you do this? Best/favorite websites/apps? Thanks!
Anokha
+1 Would love to know!
anonshmanon
I think camelcamelcamel lets you do that?
Anonymous
I use Shopstyle. It sends alert emails for items I have flagged. I flag items I might like from my favorite brands and wait for the prices to hit my comfort zone.
Ranges
I need a new cooking range, and I think I’m leaning heavily towards an induction one to replace our gas stove. But I’ve never had an induction one, so I’m a bit nervous about it. Either option (induction/gas) would be a Miele, and price isn’t really a consideration. I’m more just wondering if there’s some massive downside to the induction that I’m not seeing? I do a ton of cooking, all my pots are induction-able.
Anonymous
The massive downside is gas works when the electricity is out and induction doesn’t.
Anonymous
We found out this is not true for our gas range, which must have some kind of electrical components in the starter.
emeralds
You have to use a match to light the stove if the power is out, or at least that’s how ours works.
Anonymous
Ours never sparked when the power was out, but we just lit it with a match.
Anom
How often does your power go down out? Maybe you should get a generator.
Anon
They’re great, and if I’m ever in a place where I can select my appliances, is what I plan to get. Only downside is you can’t cook if the power’s out.
MagicUnicorn
DH is eagerly awaiting the day our gas stove dies so he can replace it with an induction range. He has researched endlessly and the only item on the con side of his pro v con list is that you cannot use them during a power outage.
Cb
Yeah we have an induction and it took me a week to get the hang of it and now I really like it. It’s loads safer, if a pot boils over, it’ll auto shutoff. The previous owners didn’t cook so I’m assuming it wasn’t a particularly expensive one.
anon
If it helps, I have a gas range and really want induction. I can’t justify it right now because my range works ok and my city has a particularly painful process permitting/inspections right now, but will absolutely replace with induction–definitely if my range were to fail, but probably as soon as the city process improves.
I find that CO2 levels get really high in my house when cooking or baking with gas. Adequate ventilation to bring down the CO2 often looks like using the really loud hood AND opening a few windows or opening up a ton of windows. It’s a real bother, especially when making a dish that doesn’t wouldn’t otherwise require a ton of ventilation by its nature.
Elle
We have an induction stove (kitchenaid) and I LOVE it. I think it’s just as good as a gas stove if not better. My only complaint is that my oven take a really long time to get to temp. I don’t know if that’s kitchenaid specific though.
AnonTex
I’m sure you’ve thought of this, but make sure you can get your Miele appliances repaired. I live in a major U.S. city and there is literally one Miele repairperson. It takes months to get an appointment.
Anonymous
we just got one a few months ago and we love it!! it’s SO responsive and fast and I love how easy it is to clean. like you, all our prev pots work. we cook a lot and we have really not missed gas at all. we have one small camping stove which we plan to use in the garage if we get a power outage since we dont want to be running the gas stove indoors without ventilation.
Senior Attorney
I am Very Very Old, and this jacket makes me want to shout, “I am not a number, I am a human being!”
https://ew.com/tv/2017/09/29/the-prisoner-50/
Anokha
Does anyone have the Copenhague 20 dining room table from Design Within Reach (DWR)? I am eyeing it for my kitchen, and would love feedback on how it holds up.
Anonymous
Any suggestions for beach front hotels where we could get a room with a balcony say within an hours driving time of West Palm airport? We’re ok spending say 400-500 per night but not like 800 plus a night for the Breakers. Not looking for much other than a quick drive from the airport, a luxury type hotel, a balcony open to the beach as we’re still Covid concerned so it’ll help air out the room plus if we feel unsafe going out much relaxing on the balcony will still feel like a break, plus would like to be in a small town where we can grab take out, walk to the beach etc.
We’d like to go mid March for 3-4 days. Sadly it’s high season but we can be flexible and travel mid week etc.
Anon
You’ve checked the Hiltons, Hyatt’s, and Marriotts right? Easy to see the amenities on their apps.
Anonymous
Would this sketch you out? I’m renting out my first home, I’ll be a first time landlord. I’m using a property management company. I met with a very nice couple who ended up putting in an application. During our meeting they told me that both their credit scores were “well over 800.” I didn’t ask, they offered this information. The property management company ran their reports and they’re high 600s/low 700s. Which is perfectly fine, I wouldn’t have batted an eye if they hadn’t told me their scores were much higher. I understand there is some discrepancy between different agencies and different types of reports, but 100+ points is a pretty big difference to be explained away by some kind of fluctuation. I feel like they lied to me about something they totally didn’t have to lie about, and now it’s making me reconsider the application. They seem very nice and well qualified otherwise, I was excited when they applied. Is this normal real estate-related puffery? Or is it a reason to be concerned?
Anon
Can you see the report and if there’s like a one-time blip that caused the score to go down or if they just applied for car loans or something?
Also, I’ve noticed my score that I pay for from Experian with monthly monitoring is consistently like ~40 points higher than what lenders see when they pull my credit. Idk what that’s about.
sketched
This is a good idea to check if there’s something readily explainable. If it’s not, I would be sketched out. There’s a fair amount of risk as a landlord if you have a bad tenant. Lying, especially when totally not necessary and easily caught out, is a glaring red flag for me.
I’d feel really differently if the prospective tenant took steps to hide protected status (like religion, family status, etc) if it was the sort of thing on which landlords often unlawfully discriminate.
pugsnbourbon
+1. I don’t know if an apartment credit check is a “hard” or “soft” pull, but if they’ve applied to multiple apartments that all run credit checks, that could possibly bring their score down. Also moving is expensive, so they may be leaning on revolving credit more than usual. I’d put more weight on their proof of funds/income than the credit check.
Anon
Your first interaction with them, and they lied to you, about something that is easily confirmed or denied. Duplicitous *and* stupid–is that what you want in tenants?
Senior Attorney
I don’t think any rational person would like about something so easily verifiable, so I would assume it’s an honest mistake.
Anon
Yeah, I don’t get the outrage over this. They still have good credit.
Anon
Exactly.
NYCer
Agreed. Seems like no biggie to me (and we own a rental house).
Anon
I wonder if they are looking at their insurance rating and thinking it is the same as their credit score. My insurance company provides a number on my policy paperwork that apparently factors into my rates, and they describe it in such a way that makes it seem synonymous with my credit score. It is not the same as my credit score, although I believe it is based in part on my credit score. Maybe that’s the same sort of situation they have going on?
Anon
It kind of sounds like they were just wrong about what their credit scores are. I wonder if they formed an identity around it at some point and haven’t checked it much since?
Senior Attorney
Yeah, this would be my theory.
Anon
My credit score was 810 last month and fell to 740 this month without any evident cause. I think I just had a higher balance than usual on one card, and I got dinged even though I was set to pay the full balance off by end of month.
Anyway, they could have had an 810 last time they checked and had it fall as a result of a bunch of hard credit checks that are part of the rental application process. If they’ve gotten 2-3 credit checks it could easily ding them down. Credit scores aren’t fixed and routinely fall and rise 50+ points on a monthly basis.
Anon
Yes, credit usage is an important factor. If you have a higher balance than normal, your score will go down even if you’ve never been late on paying a bill.
anonshmanon
If they are apartment hunting and have applied with a few places, would there have been hard pulls on their credit recently?
Anon
I work in banking and the free FICO scores the bank gives you are often higher than the real thing. I would give them some grace.
Anon
I’ve been opening a lot of travel credit cards lately and my credit score ranges from 720 to 800+ depending on credit utilization and number of recent hard pulls. I don’t think it’s that weird.
Anonymous
I did this accidentally when we re-fied last time! on cha se’s credit journey it said my score was 810 but when they pulled it it was like 720. I think it was because I had my credit pulled twice with 2 lenders to check for the refi and also had a higher credit usage (though we pay it off in full monthly). so I guess trust your gut, if everything else seems fine I would not worry bc it does happen
Anon
I’d tell them what you found and see how they react.
Anon
This would be my approach.
Anon
If this is the worst thing about these folks, get them to move in already!
You could do a LOT worse. Also, this is why my property manager handles all this and I don’t get in the weeds.
Best food logging apps (for allergies)
I need to start logging what I eat as I need to find out what triggers an allergic reaction.
Any recs?
I don’t care about calories or amounts of food, just need to the items itself. I follow a European diet with a lot of fresh things with take-out once per week, so preset items (like frozen pizza, McDonald’s hamburgers etc) would be of little importance, as well.
LoseIt! ?
You might try LoseIt! It’s free, and I think it will do what you want. Just don’t enter any data about weight or exercise and use only the food part.
Anonymous
how do you store your jewelry? My kids have these wire/mesh things that hold their earrings and i’m looking for an adult version of that, ideally one that has a cover or door so it’s not all out looking cluttery.
my jewerly box is just a jumble of stuff and i can’t take it any longer!
pugsnbourbon
There are cute acrylic jewelry organizers on Etsy – maybe something like this: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1177688851/jewellery-stand-necklaces-and-earrings?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=acrylic+jewelry+organizer&ref=sr_gallery-1-12&pro=1&organic_search_click=1
Moose
Something like this might be nice:
https://www.containerstore.com/s/closet/jewelry-boxes-storage/white-over-the-door-mirror-and-jewelry-organizer/12d?productId=11006400
Anonymous
I have an antique 3-tiered fine china server that I keep mine on. I’m not sure if anyone would think it looks cluttery, but I really like it.
Senior Attorney
I have a whole built-in arrangement (similar to this but not as fancy: https://www.frontgate.com/loren-jewelry-storage-mirror/1198676), but I think failing that a jewelry armoire is the best option. You can get all sizes and prices.
Anon
I love this and I am going to hire my nephew to build one for me.
anon
I have a standing full length mirror that opens up. The inside has hooks and velvety shelves with slots for those cardboard squares they sell earrings on. Try searching for Full Length Mirror Swivel Jewelry Cabinet at Home Depot.
OP
Wow – amazing!! Never knew such things exist.
After being robbed once, and having all the easy to find jewelry stolen, I keep all my jewelry packed up and hidden. Which means I don’t wear it.
Does this look “just” like a mirror, so an inexperienced thief wouldn’t know to open it up to steal the jewelry?
Anon
I bet you could mount one like a medicine cabinet, where the mirror rests against the wall and the shelves are recessed.
Anon
So many ways! I have three jewelry boxes, two are more or less stored away, and I have a tall standing mirror where the mirrored door slides to the side (is not hinged like a house door) and reveals storage, mostly for necklaces up top, and then a few shelves for rings and bracelets. Nothing specific to earrings.
Most of my earrings are in one of the three jewelry boxes, but for christmas this year my son bought me a little earring tree that has birds on it from amazon. It’s really cute! I keep my wire hooked and hoop earrings on the branches and studs in the shallow dish at the base.
And then for things that are very valuable, I have a safe. I have a couple of smaller leather zip around jewelry boxes that I put into the safe just to keep things organized. My safe is installed in my closet (bolted) and is just slightly larger than the safe you find in a hotel room. Maybe the size of a microwave.
I do have valuable jewelry out and about because I want to wear it and the truth is I’m just not going to get into the safe every day. But the most valuable stuff definitely lives in the safe and is only taken out on the day I plan to wear it.
Anon
I have the Pottery Barn McKenna chest, it was a splurge but it’s gorgeous and holds everything.
Exercise-induced anaphylaxis
Related to the allergy-question above, does anybody here have experience with exercise-induced anaphylaxis?
I have experienced this 3 times now, with symptoms being rapid onset of red, hot, itchy palms and soles of my feet, urticaria on face and upper body, and extremely itchy mucosal areas (including in my groin area, ugh).
The first two episodes were connected to strenous exercise in a cold gym, the 3rd and 4th one happened while chasing my kid on the basketball court outdoors in cold weather, which I would consider moderate exercise.
My allergologist thinks it could be a combination of food I eat before and the exercise itself (e.g. body getting hot), but testing for common food allergens has not yielded any clues. Exposure to cold alone does not trigger anything. I am avoiding strenous exercise right now, but wondering whether I am missing something.
Anonymous
Daily claritin has helped me with this.
Exercise-induced anaphylaxis
Yes, antihistamine is what I will be taking, as well.
Anon
I get hives from exercise sometimes. I read that some people are getting new mast cell issues post-COVID, but I don’t know much about it.
Exercise-induced anaphylaxis
Haven’t had Covid, as we’re extra cautious due to immunocompromised family member. Otherwise that would have been my first guess, a new immune issue caused by Covid.
Lily
I get this too in the cold weather. I take allegra every day of the year to manage this and other itchiness/rash symptoms unrelated to exercise.
Itchy palms is the worst because you can’t really scratch them in a satisfying way. Itchy mouth is also weird because you don’t even know where to scratch!
Anon
I have a friend who is really allergic to the cold, to the extent that she will break out in full body hives if her skin gets too cold. She can’t even go in the ocean unless it is 80+ degrees. Could it be that?
Anon
My boss had this start up when she was in her late 40s after working out in cooler than normal temps (her basement treadmill during the first cold spell of the winter one year). She learned that she had a mild shellfish allergy that only manifested in that particular set of circumstances (exercising in cool temps after eating shellfish). It was very weird, and very scary before she learned what was going on, but since then she just avoids shellfish and all is well. She does have an epi-pen now, though, because they said even a small amount of unknown fishy ingredient could have very bad consequences if it happens again.
Exercise-induced anaphylaxis
Late reply but this sounds exactly like what I’m experiencing! And I turned 40 last year, so maybe it’s an age thing?!?!
Anon
I’m so mad at myself. My boss gave me a heads-up that HR will be in my performance review today. He said it’s not a termination scenario but there have been some performance complaints and there is a plan for going forward. I assume this means a PIP. I have NEVER had any performance issues. I’ve had “tone” issues that I’ve worked on but never the actual performance of my work. I *think* I know what this is about (slow/late work). I’ve already told my boss, prior to today, that I feel checked out and under-stimulated by my day-to-day. I’m sure this is an easy fix. My attention has been elsewhere and I’ve just been floating along. I’m so disappointed in myself. I am up for a promotion and I’m guessing this will get in the way. I’ll no doubt cry. I also think this came up in the last couple of days because my boss is good at giving me an early indication of this type of thing. I just want to crawl under my desk and cry.
Anonymous
Been there. Have your feelings today. Go in there zen. Feet flat on the floor. Sitting tall. Deep but not excessively deep breaths. Listen. If there is a place for some light push back (NOT defensive), do that. Then ice cream for dinner after.
I thought I was going to break down. I didn’t. Having that emotional control made me feel so much better about it all! You’ve got this.
Anon
I’m so sorry. Try really hard to be as pulled together as possible at this meeting, be receptive to the feedback and make sure you really understand what the concerns are/what you need to do in the future. When you get home tonight feel free to fall apart, cry, mourn. Your feelings are totally understandable. But don’t be too hard on yourself- you’re human. You went through a rough patch. It’s completely understandable!
anon
I’m sorry. The first rule of performance reviews is that nothing during the performance review should be a surprise. Your manager should give you regular feedback if there’s something you need to improve. Especially since HR is there make sure you ask for examples of when you did X and how your manager would like you to handle that type of situation in the future. Either you’ll gain some useful tools or it will be clear that your manager hasn’t been giving you ongoing feedback.
Anon
It seems she knows what is going to be discussed and what the issues are because she has received feedback from her boss.
It Will Be OK
I replied in the wrong place. My reply is a little farther down.
Anon
Based on the conversation above re: someone who’s been with their company 24 years. At what point does staying at the same company negatively impact your career prospects elsewhere? I’ve been with the same company 6+ years. I’m 30, so still somewhat junior. There aren’t many other similarly-sized companies in my industry where we live, so I’ve tended to ride out the ups and downs. I have a great reputation internally, which means that I can take advantage of a lot of flexibility. I’m terrified of having to start over from scratch, but my job is starting to feel really blah and I’m definitely phoning it in which doesn’t feel great. A lot of people who leave my company end up boomeranging back, which makes me even more nervous. How do you know when it’s time to move on?
Anon
I’m in a similar boat and anecdotally I feel like it’s hurting me. I’ve been job searching and have gotten no bites. Although I’ve been in the same role (no promotions in terms of title, etc.) since starting and I feel like that may be hurting me even more than the tenure at the company.
Anon
I don’t think there’s an absolute up-or-down answer for this. I definitely think once someone has been in one place more than 10 years, there’s going to be a perception about adaptability to a new organization/new role, that isn’t entirely fair. In my last job, I worked with people who had been at big companies for 20+ years and then got laid off, and they were very adaptable but also brought a ton of knowledge and experience into their roles.
My husband has been in the same place for 5 years and is starting to get itchy feet about moving on. For him, it’s largely that A. the main project he was hired to work on is complete, and now he’s in maintenance/bug-killing phase and it’s not what energizes him. He wants another big project to manage. B. The job isn’t really going to allow him to grow/acquire new skills; it’s basically going to be doing a lot of the same stuff over and over. He’s lucky, in a way, that the job could last like this for some time, but it’s not what he wants. However, he is over 50 and so really has to weigh his next move, as it’s very likely it will be his last before he leaves the workforce entirely.
More than anything, I think it’s about a job being able to help you grow in the direction you want to grow, and offer opportunities that you can leverage to get better jobs and opportunities down the road. I would caution against prioritizing comfort over growth because it only works for so long. My best friend has been with her employer – a huge hotel chain – for her entire career; since she graduated from college. She’s in a pretty good situation but they jerked her around (IMO) during the pandemic and since then she’s had to cope with a lot of stuff she didn’t anticipate – like demand for hotel services roaring back but the hotel chain not giving her any more people than she had in September of 2020 to get the work done. But she’s locked into her pension, plus when she’s put out feelers about moving, either she hasn’t gotten much interest or people have wanted to pay her way less than she’s making now. Hindsight is always 20/20, but she now wishes she had either moved companies earlier or gunned harder for promotions so she’d be in a higher-level position that’s more insulated from the swings of supply and demand she’s having to deal with now.
Anonymous
I think at 30 the biggest downside is promotions/salary. At least in my field I got massive title/pay bumps when switching employers at age 25 and 28.
Curious
+1. Also, if at all possible, you should find your next job by networking or getting recruited, not cold applying. That is how you find the best jobs, and it’ll allow you to narrate how you’ve grown and address concerns about adaptability in conversation.
Anon
I left my comfortable state job just before turning 50. I was afraid if I stayed much longer, I would be there the rest of my life no matter what I wanted.
It Will Be OK
A professional coach once told me to imagine myself 1 month/year after the event in question and think about how I would like to be able to say I had acted in the moment. And then try to act that way. It helped me. I hope it helps you. No matter what, it will be OK. My 85-year old friend tells me when something is not good, “It’s not over yet. I know because it will be good later, and that is when it will be over.” Maybe that could also help you?
Senior Attorney
This is such good advice! My daughter says something similar: “It always works out in the end, and if it hasn’t worked out, it’s not the end.”
Unexpectedly retired
I will ask a cpa about this soon but for general info before I can get it answered: assume over age 59-1/2 and irs only, not state income tax. Had to stop work suddenly due to disability No 2023 wage income, assume minimal other investment/capital gains taxes.
If I take out, say, $50,000 from long-term 401k/non-Roth ira and then return the $50,000 to the account in a month or two, would that preclude it from being taxed? Is it like the 60-day rollover rule or does it just have to be returned/replaced in calendar year 2023? I’m getting disability insurance in a month or so but need the funds now and don’t want to pay taxes if I don’t have to. Thanks all.
Anon
No, putting the money back in to the account would not preclude the taxes paid upon taking the money. The money is taxed when you take it.
Anonymous
I don’t think you can do this. You’ll do a $50k draw. You don’t have wages to contribute to a retirement account. You can’t fund it later and net it out.
But ask a practicing CPA!
Anon
Yes, sort of. Your withdrawal will be subject to 20% withholding because you are not doing a direct rollover. You can contribute the full amount to an IRA within 60 days, however, and report it as an indirect rollover. If you withdraw $50,000, for example, you net 80% of that or $40,000. You have 60 days to contribute $50,000 to an IRA to avoid being taxed on the $50,000. If you contribute a lesser amount, say $40,000, you will have taxable income on the $10,000 you did not roll over to an IRA.
Source: I am a pension lawyer.
Unexpectedly retired
Thank you.
Anon
Part of the pink suit from a week or so ago has been spotted in the wild! The bright pink half pants, half shorts (on Nastia Liukin). Link to follow.
Anon
https://akns-images.eonline.com/eol_images/Entire_Site/20221113/rs_634x1024-221213155545-634-nastia-liukin-special-forces-premiere.ct.jpg?fit=around%7C371:600&output-quality=90&crop=371:600;center,top
pugsnbourbon
Oh that whole look is … something. Doesn’t the seam on your hose go in the back?
Vicky Austin
Well, if anyone can wear that, she can!
Senior Attorney
I actually think she looks great, and probably appropriate for the occasion!