This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This top from Veronica Beard looks like a perfect business casual piece for fall. It’s an elevated version of your weekend henley — perfect for pairing with trousers and loafers for a day in the office.
I like the brick red color for the season, but it also comes in white, black, and “limestone,” if you prefer a neutral, as well as sage green.
The top is $198 at Veronica Beard and comes in sizes XXS-XL. The white and black are available in sizes up to 3X, while the sage green (XXS-XL) is only sold at Bloomingdale's.
A couple of more affordable options are from DKNY (XXS-XL; on sale for $55 at Bloomingdale's) and Gap Factory (XS-XXL; $24 on sale).
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anon
I had an old plastic cutlery organizer that was fine but had gotten grungy and stained. I got a new nice wood one and it is too shallow and doesn’t hold enough. First world problems! But seriously, what is there in the way of nice / wood / bamboo ones on Amazon that is mostly the depth of a standard cutlery drawer? I could use current one for pens, etc elsewhere but want to have success on attempt #2.
Anon
Your “standard” drawer may not be the same size as someone else’s. I’d recommend measuring your old one and searching for specific measurements.
Anon
This. I have weird old shallow drawers and got burned by thinking they were standard depth, only to purchase trays that were too deep for the drawers to close.
I did, however, find that certain valentines chocolate boxes fit perfectly and are long enough that they nicely corral longer utensils like my cheese grater, turkey baster, and microplaner.
NYNY
Are you set on buying from Amazon? Because there are nice ones at the Container Store, including several expandable options.
Anon
If they expand, does that cut into the depth? I think I’ve had this exact thing happen when the expansion is a layer down on the structure of the piece.
Cat
we have plastic expandable ones – the plastic is like 1mm thick so the overlap is no issue.
Anonymous
I’ve had the best luck getting the bamboo organizers from the Container store (Target may have a cheaper knockoff). But agree measuring is key!
Nesprin
What I did was remove my drawer from the cabinet and take it to the container store.
Ses
Genius
Anonymous
Consider metal. The edges will be thinner allowing for more storage.
anon
I’ve become *real* friends with a work colleagues and some of her close friends who have a significantly different background and value system than me, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. These women have good jobs and make $$$$, but expect to be able to keep all this money for themselves and have their boyfriend or husband “provide” for them and the household. Previously their father did the same. If a potential partner isn’t up for this arrangement, it’s just proof he is not an upstanding guy, doesn’t respect women, etc. Someone told a story about how their other friends took 4 weeks off work to travel to Texas (from Canada, where we live) for the express purpose of meeting men, and then showed off photos of these women being wined and dined by randos. There was un-ironic discussion about how their can only be one leader in a household and it had to be the man – I just could not and excused myself to the washroom. All that said, these women are fun and normal seeming when discussing a wide variety of other topics.
If one of the women was like this I’d think “oh that’s weird,” but the social group has this mentality. I think it is consistent with how they were raised, which I wouldn’t have thought was so different from my own upbringing. I’m not really looking for advice, but this has been really sitting with me, and it made me realize how insular some aspects of my life/friendships are. Is this type of mindset more common than I thought?
Anon
That’s super weird to me. I’m American and have lived all over the country, including in politically conservative states with large numbers of devout Christian SAHMs with 3-6 kids (so the more traditional 1950s family model) and even the women I know in very traditional marriages don’t talk like this.
anon
Their values are bizarre to me.
Anon
So the husband gets to be the “leader” but at the same time, the woman needs a lot of resources of her own as a safety net. It sounds similar to how dowries traditionally worked in cultures where the wife had separate control over the dowry, like a self-funded dowry?
Anon
I can kind of see that in a way? A few of the SAH moms I know have significant trusts that they can fall back on if things go south. That is obviously rare but probably the only way I’d feel comfortable leaving my job. It would either be that or a post-nup, but alas our family needs my salary and healthcare!
Clara
I thought it was more the wife works a little job so that’s why its her own money? This all makes a lot more “sense” if the man makes a lot more money.
Anon
That sounds super weird to me. Most (not all) of my friends are fulltime working women and if they are married they share expenses with their husbands.
That being said, all of the married women (myself included) have their own savings/pots of money for things like clothing/personal care (haircuts, manicures, massages, gyms, Botox, etc.). I don’t really want to explain to my husband that yes, haircut/color does cost $300 in our area, and I don’t want to know just how much his crossfit gym costs – as long as we’re meeting our savings goals our ‘fun money’ is our own to spend.
Anon
Interesting, I can see having an account with a few grand in it as a “GTFO emergency fund”, but I can’t imagine not having 100% combined finances otherwise.
Anon
Yeah, my friends range all over from completely separate finances to one pot. We’re one pot completely, even for Botox (my husband DNGAF what I spend on my things) so I struggle to understand other approaches but I know they make sense for people.
For the OP, good to broaden your horizons, there’s a lot of different approaches to love and marriage. That one wouldn’t fly for me, but I’d be interested in hearing about it.
Anon
I have a separate investment property that was mine pre-marriage so I intentionally never mingled those funds with our marital property hence the not fully combined approach. My husband knows my income/savings contributions and I transfer a set amount each month to our joint account, 529s, and retirement. The remainder is my ‘operating budget’ for apartment issues (rare but I have funds set aside) and whatever is left becomes fun money for shopping/etc.
Anonymous
My husband and I don’t have any joint accounts (but do have some joint credit cards). We honestly just never got around to it. But we both work, make roughly the same amount of money, and don’t have kids. I pay the mortgage, he pays other joint expenses (including the joint credit cards), and it roughly evens out.
Cora
I’m single but I have partnered friends who sort of bother their partners a lot about how much they spend on video games or shoes or whatever – it seems like a source of conflict that can be eliminated. Just have separate fun budgets and then don’t fuss over the details.
Anon
My husband I don’t have separate fun money and I know others like us. That said, I’m the bigger spender and also the one who manages the finances and reviews the credit card bills (it’s not secret, and he has the login info but doesn’t choose to look).
Anon
Same exact thing in my case.
Anonymous
This has to be our resident man troll
Anon
yeah this is so out there.
Canadian’s? Going to Texas?!?
what sort of industry do these women work in?
Anonymous
As someone actually from Canada this story at best reads like some Alberta dudes dream.
Anon
Alberta: Where the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Anon
Haha
anon
I’m the OP and I assure you this is true and not a troll. And we are in a progressive province, more or less. For any Canadian from the GTA, the women described at Italian Canadians from Woodbridge.
Anon
Are these women married?
anon
One married. One is in a long-term partnership where the Q of marriage has come to a head (she wants it, he is foot dragging, and yes it is as bad as it sounds, meanwhile she feels she “must” defer to his decisions etc. etc.) The others not currently in relationships but have been in these relationships in the past, and are not willing to date “other” men.
Even things like – one said she would never in a million years ask a man out, no matter what, and doesn’t understand why men at the gym don’t approach her and ask her on dates. I try to explain that nice guys DON’T DO THAT HERE, but she does not get it…
Anon
When most aren’t married, they can have weird ideas about marriage. That happens.
That said, I would be worried about the dynamic.
NaoNao
Eh, I have to agree with (mostly) not asking men out. Many men will say yes because it’s “free”…you know what–they assume that a woman who’s interested enough to openly ask him out must be up for “anything” and will often act accordingly. Women also wind up with passive partners who are along for the ride that way too–men who aren’t truly in love, and compromised/settled.
And it’s risky for women, some men react very poorly and lash out. I honestly wouldn’t recommend a woman approach a stranger and ask him out point blank. *Maybe* a work friend with a “soft ask” like “hey, I’m going to be at X location Saturday, what are you up to this weekend?” type thing.
My compromise is to suggest “opening the door”–flirting and hinting, but letting him close the last 5 feet metaphorically and do the actual asking out.
Men not asking her out at the gym are being respectful, so maybe let her know that it’s a *good* thing! But she could approach and flirt/hint to make it clear she’s avail.
Anon
????
Anonymous
Agree on this. I wouldn’t want a stranger at the gym (or a lot of other places) approaching me these days. That sort of thing is sort of pre-dating app norms. I also agree with a lot of this. Women can certainly do the asking. But I’d prefer they make the outreach for a first or second date for a lot of the reasons stated.
Anon
I feel like women are conditioned to not ask men out, and I definitely avoided doing that for most of my life. But I got over it, asked a man out, and now we’re married. There isn’t something wrong with a man if he doesn’t do the initial asking.
Anon-na-nah
I don’t ask men out either but will encourage them if they seem interested.
Also to the person up thread who said unmarried people can have weird ideas about marriage, I agree. When I was younger and before marriage, I wanted the situation OP described minus the man being the leader part.
Anon
I.know a few otherwise seemingly independent women with jobs who have really old fashioned or odd views on gender roles in a relationship or finances, but no, I don’t know anyone who has this specific view.
I have friends who seem very progressive and independent (bought their first house on their own, work in STEM, have bachelor’s and master’s from top 10 universities) who of course will immediately quit their jobs when they get married to be SHAWs/SAHMs, believe that men lead the family, and think men should pay for everything. FWIW, we’re in the Northeast so it’s certainly not cultural.
Anon
I definitely know women like this, though most would phrase it differently. They want men who make more than they do to show he’s serious about his ambition or something similar.
Also the man as the head of the household/ decision maker/ leader is incredibly common among certain religions.
Oh me!
I am friend adjacent with a group of women like this. I like them! They are funny, smart, successful. But yes, they have different ideas about how men and women relate to each other and how men should express affection or love. It’s not how I view the world, but they are still very fun to hang out with from time to time. I think they reinforce these ideas with each other which could happen with any friend group.
Anon
It’s not you, it’s bizarre. I also don’t know why anyone would want to travel to Texas to look for love, unless maybe they’re part of a specific culture or religion with a lot of members down there.
Anon
I have a friend who was in a STEM PhD program when she met her now husband who was also in the same program. So clearly they’re both smart people. She told me when they got married she was going to use the “and obey” vows and I was surprised. She said somebody has to be head of the household and make the decisions and that’s the man!
They have been married for a long time now and I don’t think it has really worked out that way. I don’t think they’re going to get divorced, but they live very separate lives, so she’s basically head of her own household.
Anon
I have never encountered this. USA NE college and grad school, most friends have kids in hetero marriages. I have also lived in the south (Atlanta) and encountered a lot more SAHMs – but even they did not have this kind of mentality.
Anon
I need closet organization help! I have two dressers in my bedroom and a medium sized walk in closet. I’m barely using the dresser storage and instead have everything stuffed in my closet. It’s always a mess and the one part of my house I can’t seem to find a way to organize that works for me. It’s driving me insane.How do other people approach this?
Cb
I’ve got an old fashioned dresser and the drawers are really deep and tall, so I found it easier to break it up a bit with shoeboxes. So I have one for camisoles, one for gym tops, things that wouldn’t fold and slot in nicely (I do a sloppy konmari fold). But is it possible you just have too many clothes and fewer things would be easier to keep organised? I have 2 drawers and half a closet, and store out of season under my side of bed and that seems to work.
anon
i suspect that you are using the closet and not using the drawers because for whatever reason you prefer the closet! don’t fight it. get rid of the dressers and get another wardrobe. voila- more closet space and no empty drawers. alternatively, take anything out of the closet that doesn’t need to be hung (imo intimates, knits, sweaters, jeans) and get them into the drawers. closet for dressers, blazers, blouses, and real pants.
Anon
+1. I prefer my clothes hanging so I can see them. I’ve learned not to fight it. Digging through drawers without creating a wrinkled mess is a skill that eludes me. If the item is something the public will see then it gets hung up. Drawers and shelves are for pajamas, sweats, undergarments, and gym clothes.
Anon
I have a dresser and just use it for under layers, socks, pjs, leggings and jeans. Everything else IMO looks better when it has been hung vs folded.
Anon
So, like, your turtleneck and T-shirts are folded or hung?
Anon
Turtles are hung. I often wear with cardigans so they are visible. I reach in and pull the hanger up so it doesn’t stretch out the neck. Been doing this since high school.
Nice tees are hung (see above comment vs cardigans and also jackets).
Tees with words are folded.
Anon
I use my dresser for undergarments, socks, casual pants and bedlinens, a drawer for each “category”; I use my closet to hang all office clothes and dresses. Casual tops are kept folded in a laundry basket in the closet, just because they don’t fit in the dresser and I rummage through them more often. But my husband rarely uses his dresser and his clothes are all haphazard and I can tell you one huge difference between us is that he does not immediately fold and put his laundry away. On the rare occasions he does put it away immediately, it goes in the dresser. So however you organize, set it up so it’s natural and easy for you to keep the process going.
Anon
My dresser is for clothing that doesn’t hang up. PJs, undergarments, gym clothes, jeans, sweats, t-shirts, camisoles, sweaters.
My closet is for things that hang up or get stored in boxes. Dresses, blouses, trousers, blazers, shoes, scarves, belts, hats.
I organized my closet by determining just how long of a hanging rod I needed for long items like dresses and trousers, and how long of a hanging rod I needed for short items. I measured how much height each rod needed. I also measured out how much shelving length I needed for anything in boxes. I then emptied the closet and created a masking tape mock-up reflecting where hanging rods could go and where shelving could go (different tape colors helped visualize). I rearranged the tape until I felt like there was no weird unused space, measured how much wire shelving I needed, noted where studs were and how many brackets I needed, made a shopping list and hit the hardware store. Had them cut the shelving to size, took it home and installed it myself, and absolutely adore my tidy, organized, efficient closet.
Anon
I should add: I did this about 7 years ago and also did my kid’s closet at the same time. Together, the total cost was a couple hundred dollars (mostly brackets and plastic bins for the kid’s closet) and a weekend to install. Measuring and mocking up everything took far more time.
Anonymous
a. You can’t organize your way out of having too many items in too small a space. So get rid of items in your closet until you have the number of items in there that are easy to organize.
b. go with what works for you — if you like to hang stuff, hang everything. If you like to pitch things in bins, get shelves & bins and put them in your closet. But remember: you’ll still be frustrated and disorganized if you’re trying to cram too many items into the amount of space you have.
Personally, I only use dresser drawers for socks and underwear. I hate digging through folded stacks of clothing, so everything goes on hangers in the closet — including t-shirts, jeans, sweatshirts, pajamas . . . everything.
Anon
I don’t know if you live in an. Area where you need 4 seasons of clothes, but if so, I would make the dressers “off season” for everything except what absolutely requires hanging. You prefer the closet, so that should be for what you are using for whatever you are (currently) wearing daily.
No Problem
1. You probably have too much stuff. One medium sized walk in closet should be plenty of space for one person to hang their clothes that need to be hung. If you have multiple sizes in there because you’ve gained/lost weight, move the stuff that doesn’t fit to somewhere else to store (underbed bins, another closet, etc.) or get rid of it.
2. Do you have issues with object permanence? Like if you don’t see something, you forget it exists? Is that why you hang everything instead of using the drawers? If that’s an issue for you, consider what you *can* put in drawers that you won’t forget you own because you have to open those drawers regularly in order to get dressed (underwear, socks, pjs, in-season tops, etc.). Everything that I fold I stand upright a la the Konmari method so it’s easy to see when I open the drawer what I have, rather than needing to dig through a pile to find a particular t-shirt. I can also fit more in each drawer with that folding method than with stacks.
3. How have you tried to organize that hasn’t worked for you? Or have you tried organizing at all? My closet is organized by type (all skirts together, all pants together, all dresses together, etc.) and then organized by sleeve length within the tops and dresses categories and by length within skirts. I then put each of those categories into color order, so all of the sleeveless tops go in color order, then all the short sleeved tops go in color order, etc.. This really helps me see how much of any given item I have. If I can see that I have 2 or more short sleeved white tops that are appropriate for work, I know that I don’t need to buy another one. I helped my mom clean out her closet and dressers once and was amazed by how disorganized it all was. I think she roughly organized the closet by occasion and then by season (all of her work stuff was in one area, all of the fancier stuff was in another area), but then she had like 3 black turtleneck sweaters that were in different drawers, and sweaters in general were in multiple dressers and drawers. It wasn’t until we put it all in one pile that she realized how much she actually had. It was really disorienting to me that she had pants scattered all throughout her closet instead of all together because she had the more formal work stuff separate from the casual stuff, but I guess she knew what she had so it worked for her. TL;DR: some organization methods work for some people and don’t work for others. You might have to try more than one method to find what you prefer.
Anon
When I get stressed about organizing my stuff, I try to consider whether I just have too much stuff. No judgment; I have purchased baskets and other various forms of containers to try to harness the stuff many times. I am trying to stop doing it and cull the herd (of sweaters etc) instead.
Anonymous
I have way too much and I need to do a massive cull. But I have dresser drawers each for pj’s, socks, casual pants, sweatshirts, casual tops, sweaters, “work tees”, and undergarments. Shorts and workout gear and accessories live in bins in the closet. Then I have actual plastic rings on the closet rod demarcating categories of hanging clothes, with sections at each end for off-season and too-small clothes, so they are not in the prime viewable area (closet is sort of deep but not walk-in long rod). As I said, I have too much stuff, but once I did this it has been very easy to maintain.
anon
Workout gear is the bane of my existence. It’s all stuffed into one drawer and it’s forever a disaster because the fabrics are so easily messed up. In other words, I have never been able to KonMari my workout drawer.
Anonymous
You might benefit from some boxes inside the drawer into which you can place envelope-folded items. I’ve reorganized now, but I was able to use envelope folding when I dedicated a small drawer each to workout tops and leggings.
Anon
Get your closet organized with one of those closet systems and if you don’t need them, don’t use the dressers. A medium size walk in closet is a lot of storage.
Anon
I have two dressers in my bedroom, shared with my husband. Tees and jeans go in big drawers. Socks, pajamas, underwear, bras, slips/camisoles/Spanx go in small drawers.
My closet is where everything goes, but I have a smallish closet in an old house, so it requires rotating seasonal clothing in and out. My sweaters get hung up. Ideally they’d be folded in soft, non-stuffed piles, but I don’t have a space for that, and my dresser drawers aren’t big enough, so the sweaters hang. I have a lot of sweaters. It’s kind of my thing.
Shoes are in cubbies on the upper closet shelf, and floor. I just have one hanging rod in the closet, so having a shoe cubby under the left side of the closet creates a short hanging space for tops, and then the area without a shoe cubby is longer for pants and dresses.
I am never going to have a closet they take pictures of for decor p*rn (and do you ever notice how those “after” pics for closet organizing systems actually have almost no clothing in them?) but I can find everything I need & it more or less works.
Because my space is small, ironed shirts cant hang completely freely where they’re not up against another item and creating new creases. My floor standing Jiffy steamer is clutch.
Anon
Get rid of some stuff so it all fits.
Anonymous
This is the way. It’s really hard. I did a massive clothing purge 3 years ago and basically started over from scratch on clothes, and after just 3 years, I already need to purge again. Even when you’re trying to be conscientious about shopping, you end up acquiring things that just don’t work for whatever reason. I was surprised at how fast I got to this point.
Anon
Pros/cons to paying nanny on or off the books? TIA!
Anon
I don’t think “do I follow employment and tax laws” is really a question that requires a pro/con list.
Anon
I agree – my only question is at what point do you switch someone over from being paid under the table to on the books? I’m guessing if it’s full time / their main gig? Or a regularly scheduled thing? FWIW, I’ve never had a nanny but I’m thinking about the college kids that babysit for us – obviously we just pay them cash as its sporadic and a few hours here and there.
Anonymous
There are actual IRS rules about when someone needs to be paid on the books. You don’t need to guess at it.
Anon
+1
Anon
It’s based on their annual salary, and the threshold above which they become an employee is pretty low. Any nanny would be above it. A date night babysitter probably wouldn’t, unless you have them every week.
Anon
It’s not that simple folks.
Anon
Agreed. It’s not. It can be quite difficult to find someone willing to be paid on the books.
Anon
That was my issue as well. My kids are college aged now, but their babysitter when they were little, who worked 12 hours a week for us, did not want to be paid on the books.
She still a family friend and she has a green card now and a real over the table job, but the only way she could find employment back then was under the table.
She’s a Dreamer. She was brought here as a child by her relatives. There’s still no path to citizenship for her, unfortunately. This was an issue that made headlines for a while and everyone seems to forgotten about it.
Anon
lol forever
Anon
Also: do you or your spouse have a professional license to lose (in addition to the felony)?
Anonymous
I worked as a nanny under the table for the most abusive doctor couple. I so wish I reported them but I was 19 and dumb.
Anon
For all the usual ranting and fist-waving about corporations exploiting workers, household employment is full of noncompliance with wage/hour laws as standard operating procedure (which really shorts people when they are not eligible for either social security or medicare), never mind the abuse, which is so incredibly common. And my guess is that the majority of domestic workers’ direct supervisors are . . . women, not men. And yet we think that this is just . . . cute? Laws are too hard to be followed? I am baffled.
anon
+1 to anon at 11:21
Senior Attorney
Right? I’m old enough to remember not wanting to have a Zoe Baird Problem. (Look it up.)
Anon
I remember that clearly too. I have paid gardeners and a babysitter under the table in the past so I guess I can never be nominated for anything before a senate committee.
How many of the men sitting in those seats have benefited from an off-the-books nanny? It never comes up for them!
Senior Attorney
Exactly!!
Anon
Pro: above board, no fines, claims, tax issues to worry about. Would be my approach as a lawyer.
Con : harder to get a nanny or nanny share in many places. A little cheaper if nothing goes wrong.
Anon
“if nothing goes wrong”
You also need workers comp insurance in case they get hurt on the job. Do you have assets to lose? Just gross them up so their take-home is what it needs to be. Also: will you offer health insurance?
Anon
Your homeowners insurance likely has a $5 or so charge for an incidental WC exposure. Check your policy.
Anon
I’m not sure I fully understand, but surely your regular nanny would not be considered incidental?
Anon
On the books. My nanny slipped and fell (not on the job) and filed suit against the premises owner. I was subpoenaed and deposed. I was very, very happy that I had done everything above board as I testified to lost wages.
Anon
I was once pulled up for jury duty for a case where a nanny was having a payment and benefits terms dispute with their employer. I couldn’t imagine how tricky that situation would have been if they had been paying the nanny under the table.
Anon
The consequences for off the books can be big. IF you get away with it, it might save you some money and a little time (in terms of paperwork).
I don’t think the risks are worth it, so I’d do things the right way. It also treats the nanny like an employee, which is a sign of respect.
CMS
Pay on the books. Its the right thing to do for you and the nanny. Its not difficult if you use a reputable payroll service (there are many).
Anonymous
the cons to paying a nanny on the books is that in certain areas you will have harder time finding a nanny. At least this was the case in Chicago. You will also pay more, because they will want their net pay to be same – if the going rate is $24/hour, that’s what they would like to have as net pay, not gross pay. You will be competing against families who will pay $24/hour in cash. the payroll and taxes are easy – I used a service. all in, it ended up being closer to $75,000/year to have a nanny work full time (with overtime) on the books.
Anon
This is the same in NYC. There are of course nannies who are willing to work on the books, but most prefer cash. And you definitely have to pay more.
Anon
I have honestly never understood preferring cash if they take-home is the same. I guess that some people are bad at math and may not believe it. Is it that they aren’t legal to work here in the first place? It affects benefits (subsidized housing, medicaid, other benefits)? Child support/alimony? Just non-reporting taxable income when the taxes are withheld and they likely get a refund seems to be really missing the point.
(So, if the person isn’t legal to work here, they likely don’t have a valid license and I don’t want that person driving my kids. Also, for a person who wants to be invisible, if they had to call 911 for my kid or had an accident, the worse that could happen is pretty bad.)
Anon
You can get a drivers license without being legal to work here in 17 states.
Anon
How does that work with Real ID?
Anon
Well, real ID isn’t required yet, so it doesn’t need to. (And at this rate, will it ever be??) And I know in my state you don’t have to get a real ID version of a drivers license, you can get the regular ol’ one they’ve always had.
Anon
I feel like for my kids to get permits, I had to give a birth certificate, at least to establish age.
How do you do a background check on a nanny who has no papers, as a basic safety thing? [At my kids’ school, one guy who was a predator and is currently in prison for molesting a 10YO girl, was not here legally and IDK if they were too polite to do a background check or that is how his prior legal system involvement was hidden, but it is concerning; one car accident can ruin your life if your nanny driving your car somehow voids your insurance).
Anon
You can have a birth certificate or passport from another country . . . I don’t know why this is so hard for you to wrap your mind around.
Anon
So I get that there is the income tax cheating aspect to being paid in cash and not reporting it. But I think that you have another layer of Problems if you are hiring people who aren’t even legally able to work here. Obviously, I worry most about the IRS, but if I had a job with any sensitivity, I’d just avoid the h*ck out of even being in this situation and get all of the insurance I could once I had a household employee.
Anan
DC Suburbs here, and about 3 of the 4 nannies we interviewed did not want to be paid on the books. We were hiring a part time nanny to fill a two week gap, so we paid in cash, but it was really surprising to me that so many said off book only when we asked about their interest in full time work.
Anon
Expecially in DC, where so many people have to undergo background checks for their job. “They have a nanny” would be a major item to follow up b/c if it’s off the books, you have a 1001 problem on their 1040.
Anon
Is it not as simple as not wanting to lose Medicaid?
Anon
IDK truly, but if you are employed, wouldn’t that put you into subsidized Obamacare? I think you’d be indifferent. But I truly don’t know. My sense was that it mattered more with the perceived value of avoiding employment taxes (maybe more than income taxes),but I think that that math only holds up if you look very short term and not to the exposure if you never qualify for medicare or social security. Penny-wise and pound foolish?
Anon
Subsidized Obamacare costs wildly more than relying on Medicaid.
Anon
As much as we rant about benefits and “the value of the whole compensation package”, why wouldn’t you get health insurance for your nanny?
Anon
How many of these women are married or enrolled in night classes? If it’s the former, their marginal tax rate could be quite high. If it’s the latter, they might be just as happy doing everything under the table because they are young, get insurance through school, and don’t want to pay crazy high income taxes.
Anon
How much is their crazy high income taxes if they are primarily students? That sounds like a very low tax bracket to me, even in somewhere with a state income tax.
Anon
I don’t know any nanny in a “crazy high tax bracket.” Where I live they’re mostly young single women or older women who are divorced or widowed after many years as a SAHM and need the extra income. The ones who are married don’t normally have high earning spouses. This seems like a weird concern.
anon
In addition to many other considerations
-it’s a real job that should be treated with respect, not as a little side gig for pin money
-it’s criminal in my state for an employer not to carry worker’s comp.
-I wanted anyone who did the really important job of caring for my child 40-50 hours a week to have access to the social safety net (unemployment insurance, Social Security, state disability and family care) that is based on on-the-books income. It’s not as good as many people need, but it’s a ton better than nothing.
Anon
Yes – years and years ago I worked as a nanny, and I WANTED to be paid properly on the books so I would have unemployment insurance. I guess it meant a lower take-home pay because of taxes etc, but it was worth it to me.
Anon
At the time we had a nanny, I was a licensed attorney (though not practicing) so we felt like we had no choice but to pay on the books so I didn’t lose my license. Beyond my professional license, I felt more comfortable being an official employer from a liability perspective in case the nanny got hurt on the job. I don’t remember the details now, but I called my insurance agent and they were like “you absolutely have to pay on the books or everything will be void.”
fwiw, we had zero issue finding someone to be paid on the books. You just have to offer a slightly higher hourly rate. I don’t know anyone else who had trouble finding someone on the books either, assuming they were willing to give the market salary for on-the-books employee. The only people I know who had trouble wanted to hire someone on the cheap, so based on my experience I feel like a problem finding an on-the-books nanny is more of a market value issue than a labor supply issue.
Anonymous
The question is how to fins a nanny who will agree to be on the books. It’s like a unicorn.
Anon
First rufflepuff dresses came back. Then knit vests. Now large platter collars like Laura Ashley are also back on rufflepuff? I wish I’d saved the prairie dresses that my mom had.
Anon
I am too effing old to dress like an 1800s ingenue going out to feed the chickens. I want grown up clothing for my grown up body.
Also, get off my lawn!
Anon
I laughed out loud at this comment — thank you!
Anon
I’m an Old who took my senior high school portrait pic in a knockoff Jessica McClintock dress. My prom dress was home-sewn from a Laura Ashley pattern.
I am here to say, I am NOT going back!
That said… in the late 80s/early 90s I loved poking around in antique stores, and ended up buying a bunch of white or ecru lace collars, most hand-knit. I wore them over my plain crewneck sweaters (remember that look?) and something about that look imprinted on me, because I still think it looks nice. Do I dress like that now? No. But if I saw someone wearing it, I would think “ooh, pretty!”
Anon
Just for fun, if you didn’t have to work but wanted to work at least part-time, what would you do? Let’s imagine it’s something reasonable (so not a rock star or a Nat Geo travel writer), but rather you’re wealthy, have school age kids and you want a part time (or full time) job.
I have been an adjunct professor for my field and really enjoyed it. I think I’d just teach 1-2 classes a semester rather than have adjuncting be my side gig.
New Here
Work part-time at a local independent bookstore!
Anonymous
Ditto!
Anon
Part time registered dietitian. I read research about micronutrient absorption and timing for fun.
I’m an attorney. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to school to become an RD, but my favorite thing is spending time on scholar.google.com learning about this stuff!
Anon
Me too!
New Here
Oh, I would totally go back to school and get my degree in nutrition and dietetics and do the same! I took an intro to nutrition class to fill an elective hole my last semester of college. Had I taken it earlier, I probably would have changed my major or ended up with a double major.
Anon
My fantasies for this question (since these are jobs I don’t know much about and have likely romanticized): children’s librarian; fancy bartender; continuing education prof; preschool staff.
I have a part-time gig teaching yoga (I also have a full-time job) and I really love it.
Anon
Fun question. I keep thinking of things and then discarding the ideas because they are too hard or involve dealing with potentially rude people. I am almost certified as a yoga teacher and thought that was it, but discovered through the process that I really don’t want to teach. Can I be a hiking guide in a national park? Does it matter that I am not a serious hiker? If not, I’ll be a freelance editor or proofreader.
Anonymous
Writer. Freelance editor or proof reader.
anonn
When I was a kid my dream retirement job was school bus driver. I just worshipped my bus drivers. lol that was before I realized how terrifying driving is, and how wild kids are.
But in all seriousness I’d do something creative like balloon arch builder, or something with people like sorority house mom, Ronald McDonald house greeter.
Anon
Would love to be a sorority house mom. Those still exist?
anonn
I’m not sure, when I was in college ours worked like 9-2, brought in the mail, let the cable guy in, answered the phone and took messages, read our horoscopes, gave us boy advice, etc. We never found a good one after she retired and then then girls didn’t want to spend the money on it. I’m sure bigger schools still have them.
Anon
Our state u has a sister just serve as the RA.
Anon
yeah, one of our executive board positions was “house manager” which was essentially an RA for our sorority house (which was owned by the university).
Anon
What I wouldn’t give for someone to read me my horoscope and give me boy advice. So evergreen.
Anon
My sorority had two different house moms while I was an active. One left when she got married (later in life marriage) and the other was a recently widowed mom of grown children. I liked them both in different ways, and they got a nice 1 bedroom apartment plus pay (not a huge amount, as I recall; I was treasurer). They managed the house but not the sorority, though we made the first house mom an honorary member not too long before she left to get married.
Their responsibilities were managing the kitchen – mine was a large, live-in sorority, which is why I pledged – nicer than the dorms! – and managing the house. If something broke, we went to the house mom, and she called tradespeople to come fix it. She did not clean, and she did not cook. She joined us for meals, and if the meal was formal, she was the head of the top table, but otherwise left us on our own. No horoscopes, no boy talk!
Anon
Yes they do!
Anon
I’d like to be a health officer at various camps throughout the US and maybe elsewhere. I got into camping over COVId after a long time as a day hiker and got the first part of training (WFA) but would need several other NOLS certifications or an RN. Also a lawyer.
Anon
I’d love to work at garden center or at a botanical garden. Especially in the winter.
No Problem
Someone who reviews novels. I already enjoy reading in my down time, why not get paid to read and then write what I thought about it?
Anon
I know some very happy pilates instructors at local studios. Class sizes are small enough that they get to know the attendees and it’s calmer than a typical gym. They can get their kids off to school and be home to greet them in the afternoon because their clientele of suburban women are busy doing the same thing at that time.
NaoNao
Some candle and gift shop in a cute bougie part of town where I just putter around making pretty displays :)
anon
That sounds lovely.
Anon
I’d open a antiques shop and go to Paris a few times a year on buying trips.
anon
I’d work at a plant nursery. Just let me water some plants and take care of them and be outdoors.
Brontosaurus
That sounds lovely! I was thinking florist but nursery might be more fun.
ALT
One of those people who volunteers at the NICU or whatever to snuggle the babies when their parents can’t.
Being a house museum docent is one of my retirement dream jobs so I’d love to do that now.
Anon
I would probably cobble together a few very part time jobs: I’d either coach or ref a few sports, work as a writing tutor at a college’s writing center (I’m a technical writer IRL), and be a volunteer (or per diem) firefighter or EMT. Maybe work part time for my town’s parks and rec department too. Be a very part time grant writer for a local charity I currently volunteer with.
Anon NYC
Definitely a yoga instructor. Not an owner or anything. Just someone who teaches classes for fun. Also, I’d pick up a few shifts at a local coffee shop or candle/home goods shop.
Anon
If I didn’t need the paycheck, I’d go back to working in local government. I really liked it, but it’s really poorly paid. I love how connected I was with my community, I had a role that was very involved in helping people which I loved, and the work was fun.
Anon
Troubleshooting issues with in-house IT teams. This has long been an unofficial part of my day job and I love the problem-solving aspect of it.
Anon
I am a SAHM with my youngest starting K next year and I want to work part time (during school hours), but don’t think I want to go back to a corporate job so this is great inspiration :)
Anon
I left a corporate job and became a teacher in a private school. I love it so much. Of course there’s still some BS, but it seems to be much less than public school. It’s obviously full time, but summers off to spend with my kids which is great. And, since my kids go to the school where I teach we are on the same schedule.
Anonymous
Work at Hallmark or another cute card store with little gift items.
Work at a nursery or botanical gardens – outdoors with the plants.
Give tours at a local attraction – like the Biltmore or Independence Hall or whatever I lived near. Though IDK if those are jobs or volunteer roles.
Anything at a university that let me interact with students – like maybe the front desk at the student union or something but again that may be a student job. Or university bookstore.
anonshmanon
I’d probably keep my program manager job, just as part time consulting on the interesting stuff, without the tedious admin piece.
anon
This is my husband and this is exactly what he does! Minus the school age kids.
Anon
I’d be a costumed interpreter at a Revolutionary War-era historic site. I was asked to be in a colonial parade for our town’s founders’ day, and you had to dress up, and I kind of went all out with the costume and loved it. And I’ve always been a history nerd.
Anonymous
I’d be a travel writer. If you’re wealthy, you don’t have to live on freelance rates and can just post whatever content you want. I would be traveling anyway.
Anon
Hard to travel too much with kids in school!
Anon
I’m a freelance travel writer/bl*gger as a side gig. I don’t make enough money to support a family (currently $10-20k per year, although it’s rising quickly) and I have a 9-5 job and kids in public school, which they rarely miss. We travel at every school break and for much of the summer. It’s not hard to generate lots of travel content even with kids in school, and would be even easier if we had unlimited money. My issue is finding time to write about everything – my blog often runs 6+ months behind my actual travel – and that would be less of an issue if I didn’t work full time.
Senior Attorney
When I was younger I always thought I’d be a part-time martial arts teacher.
Anon
I have a part time job on hold for when I retire. It’s at a very nice gift shop. I’m only half joking. I’m going to need something to provide structure to my week, as I learned some time ago that I thrive with structure and flail about without it. I think a combination of part time work and some volunteer commitments will work out well for me. I had a conversation with the owner of the shop when I was in there as a customer, and, as many who worked retail in their youth do, was straightening the merchandise as I looked. She offered me a job and said joking but not really, and as a result of that conversation when I retire I put in an application and get the first opening.
Anonymous
I’m a doctor and I would just be a part time doctor. I asked to go part time so I could have more free time back, but was refused because of staffing issues. It doesn’t bother me because I find my work fulfilling and it pays well.
Anon
Same. I’m an actuary and now I’m a part time actuary. I could work at Starbucks or something, but my hourly wage as an actuary is at least 10 times what they would pay me.
Anon
Canine search and rescue
Seventh Sister
I’d work in a luxury department store, preferably in womenswear or shoes. And since this a fantasy, Barneys would exist and I could work there.
NaoNao
Looking for something specific:
US Based, size 16/18 pants, need L or T (33″ inseam for full length). Everlane’s 16 is tiny bit too small for me FYI, which is a bummer because many Everlane styles seem like exactly what I need!
Seeking polished yet comfortable pants for WFH that don’t feel too lounge-y or sporty *but* that don’t dig into the mid-section. Sitting all day seems to exacerbate any slight stomach issues that come from tight/structured waistbands. I’m hoping for colors other than black as well–I have *enough* black pants!
Budget is about $100 or so but I’d love brand suggestions I can try to find on secondhand sites.
Anon
Go up a size, that’s likely what’s causing your midsection issue.
Anon
Talbots?
Anon
+1 from a tall size 16.
Marie
I am tall and depend on J Crew and Banana Republic for work pants that are polished and yet comfortable. Banana has sizes online up to 20T. J Crew only goes up to 16T, but their pants run big, at least in my experience for size 6-8T. Prices are a bit above your range for dress pants, but sales are your friend!
anon for this
How wedded are you to the 33″ inseam? Athleta has several options in 16 or 18 tall (look at the Endless, Brooklyn, and Stellar versions to start), but they skew toward an ankle length.
The Universal Standard smart signature ponte pants come in a long inseam (32″) – I have these in several colors and they are extremely comfortable, but you’d need to get the sizing right (or a little loose) as they have a thick elastic waist.
Anon
Shorter and cropped inseams are in style right now also.
NaoNao
Ooh I love Universal Standard–I actually own a couple of their pants right now. They’re a touch expensive for kicking around the house but I could look on secondhand sites.
Anon
Surprisingly, look at Abercrombie. Many pants styles are available up to a waist size 37 and in tall lengths.
anon
My mom was officially diagnosed with cancer yesterday. While I could see that was the direction things were headed, I am so sad and overwhelmed and don’t know what to do next. It’s treatable, but it’s going to be a long, hard road. Unfortunately, she is underweight, which makes mescared for what chemo will do to her.
I don’t know how to do life right now. My parents need me, my teenage kids need me, my team needs me to be a functioning boss. It’s a lot. Any tips, either practical or emotional, are welcome.
Anon
Take a little time off now to go be with your mom. This is the scary part, you can be practical later. Don’t be shy about using FMLA later when things get more serious. Your husband and kids will be fine, sometimes your attention has to shift and it gives them a chance to step up too. Your team will be fine and relieved that you’re human and not a machine. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. Sending love.
Anonymous
I am sorry. But try not to worry about your husband and children. My father was a doctor who had to work long hours, and also, I suspect, suffered from post WW2 trauma. It was hard to have an emotional connections with him. The rare times when my mother had to be away for a few days and I was left in charge of the house and taking messages for him provided my best close memories of him.
nuqotw
I’m really sorry about your mom. Don’t be afraid to let your kids see you prioritize your mom – ultimately it will be good for them to see that we prioritize people who need us; setting that example is in the long run prioritizing their development as well.
anon
That is a really good point. Thank you.
Anon
Co-sign this. Husband and kids did well enough and got a lot more competent once I started being regularly absent. The first trip was a disaster, the others much better.
Anon
+1 to this. My 12 year old is now starting to do his own laundry, care for pets, help with dinner, weeding/lawn care, etc. Teenagers are certainly old enough to hear and understand the message ‘Grandma is sick, and mom is going to have to spend some more time supporting her. I love you all and will still be here for you but as a family we are all going to need to pitch in more during this time.’
Fwiw my mom went back to get her masters when I was 12 and my brother was 9. My dad was a typical boomer dad but stepped up at home. We all did more housework, and dad and I learned to cook together. It was messy and at the time I was annoyed but ultimately it was a really good life lesson and I’m proud of my dad and mom for how they modeling supporting each other.
anon
Totally get the concern, but I’m not necessarily worried about the chores and logistics. It’s more that my kids are at ages where emotional support is as important as anything else, and being in the right head space to do that part of parenting.
NYNY
Oof, I’m so sorry your family is going through this. Sending so much support.
When my mom was diagnosed with late-stage cancer at the start of the pandemic, I was managing a team of healthcare workers and felt like I couldn’t take time. My director told me the best thing a boss has ever said to me: Now is the time to be selfish. You’ve given a lot to the team, and they will be fine without you. Take care of your family and take care of yourself. We’ll figure it out.
I needed to hear that, and I’m guessing that you do, too. Work will always be there, but your parents won’t. Take time off, and if you can’t take time, then honestly, now is the time to half-ass work. Prioritize your parents, your kids, and yourself.
Anon
What kind and stage? That will likely matter a lot — I found lots of groups on Insta and FB that were just helpful for me to be aware of even though I have yet to participate. I had to go to 0 to 60 on the knowledge front.
Highly recommend The Emperor of All Maladies, which is a history of human understanding of cancer
Also, mentally treat your dad as a secondary patient — a main caregiver gets little care and can often be ground down to nothing, even if it is curable (my dad went from my mom’s funeral to the ER and had significant weight loss of his own).
Hugs!
Anon
I’m sorry about your mom. My dad lost his battle with cancer a few years ago and looking back I wish I had regular visits with a therapist while in the thick of it. My family is dysfunctional and navigating everyone’s personalities while trying to do right by my dad was tough, even after his death. Getting perspective and support from someone not involved would have been good for me. Best wishes to you and your mom.
Anon
I’m so sorry – I was in your place in January with my dad, and it was horrible. I posted here seeking positive stories when everything looked as bleak as possible, and found some solace from those messages.
I think its so individual, because each situation and each cancer is so specific. That was the first big thing I learned – comparing is meaningless, focus on the journey your loved one/you are on. If there is a forum for the specific cancer your mom has, that may be helpful to you or may just cause more stress to read other people’s questions and stories. It’s also ok if you can’t bring yourself to read up on everything – I know as an overachiever I wanted to be able to know everything, but it wasn’t good for me in the end.
Stay off the internet. This may be less important for you, but my dad’s diagnosis came right as Charles and Kate were both diagnosed with cancer, and it felt like cancer talk was inescapable. I even found myself having to turn my music up on a train to try to drown out the sound of my seat neighbors discussing how long Charles had left to live. It was awful, and in particular the total lack of decency shown to those people as humans by some people on Twitter felt like a physical blow sometimes when the algorithm showed me those tweets when I was trying to use social media as a distraction. This may be less of an issue right now (although I’ve seen some gross takes about Kate finishing chemo even today), but you don’t necessarily realize how prevalent cancer discourse is until you really want to think about anything other than cancer.
Sort of relatedly, find a book/tv show to focus on to take your mind off of it, as much as you can. But make sure to double check whether there is a cancer storyline (I tried to watch 911 Lone Star – Rob Lowe fighting fires! What could be more mindless? Turns out the pilot episode is him being diagnosed with cancer and struggling to tell his son.) Give yourself a fictional outlet because real life is going to feel like too much for a while. I also found it easy to use shows/movies as a way to spend time with my dad while he really struggled with his kids caretaking for him – watching a movie didn’t make him feel like we were hovering in the same way that other time spent together sometimes did.
Remember that progress in treatments are being made every day, and statistics can be outdated even for the last 5 years.
Spend as much time with your family as you can. My work suffered for sure, but work is not life and death. Do the minimum, whatever that means to you, for the next few months until you can get your feet under you again, and try not to feel guilty about it. You have coworkers who can figure things out, but no one else can be you for your mom. You wont regret time spent with your parents right now, and it will be valuable for your kids to spend time with them/see you prioritizing your mom when you need it.
Lean on your support system, whatever that may look like.
My dad is still in treatment, but things are looking much better than they were at the time of diagnosis. It’s going to be a long road but I promise you you’ll find an equilibrium through this. Give yourself grace as you get there.
anon
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to write all of this. You are correct on so many fronts. In this case, I don’t necessarily think more information is going to be better. Having gotten sucked into internet rabbit holes for health things before, I have learned my lesson and don’t want to do that.
I’m glad your dad is doing better.
Anon
I’m very glad it helped in any way, and also very sorry it is relevant to you in the first place. I’m sending good wishes to you, your mom, and your family.
Anon NYC
I’m so sorry you’re faced with this. I would definitely have a conversation with your manager and consider taking some sort of leave. Also discuss this with your husband and make sure he is aware that he will have to take on the bulk of the work at home for the time being. You can’t do it all on your own nor should you have to.
Anonymous
Take each step as it comes rather than worrying about the whole journey. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I realized that a lot of the fears I had ended up not being what I had predicted. The type of chemo protocol wasn’t likely to affect my hair, for example. For my type and stage, chemo was recommended but not a certainty, and it was up to me if I wanted to stop at any point. Survivability stats online didn’t take into account some of the factors associated with my type of cancer. Just some examples that come to mind. Other things that should be “easy” ended up worse than I would have thought–mostly social sorts of things. So-called friends were guessing on the potential origin of my cancer (like I did something to deserve it?) A tech when getting an MRI to identify potential spread asked me if I had kids and said it was probably a good thing I didn’t. I swear, something about cancer triggers folks to freak out about their own mortality and force hand-holding from the very person who shouldn’t have to be deal with all of their “stuff.”
So I guess what I’m saying is don’t worry until you need to worry–keep your focus small and not what could happen six steps away. And try to be a safe place to land for your parent–follow their lead on how much they do or don’t want to discuss what is happening to them and be a voice of sanity and kindness. Recognize that everyone’s path is different.
Sunshine
Your kids will be fine. When I was 13, my SAHM basically moved to another city to care for her dying brother who was single. She was gone more than she was not for at least six months. My dad was a busy lawyer. But between my dad, sibling, and I (with the help of friends for things like carpools), we managed just fine. Your family will too. Remember to ask other parents for help with things like carpools and friends to do things like grocery shopping. People actually want to help you; they just don’t know how. Tell them how.
If you can outsource things for your own house or your parents’ house, do that: house keeper, lawn service, grocery delivery, etc. Unless you enjoy doing any of those things. And, if you do, keep those tasks for you if you can.
My mom got a scary cancer-like diagnosis almost 20 years ago. She was going to be doing a very new treatment that had only been around for a few years. We also stayed off of the internet. Any information about how well people did with this disease was not relevant. As someone else said, remember that those statistics take into account people who did older treatments that may not have worked as well or who were diagnosed at a different stage or who had less good medical care. The average life expectancy for someone with my mom’s condition was 3-5 years at the time of diagnosis. She lived a pretty normal life post-treatment for 18 years. There’s some indication that the life expectancy numbers aren’t necessarily accurate.
FMLA is there for a reason. If you need to take it, take it. Your work team will get the work done. It always gets done. Spend the time with your parents. Take care of them. Also don’t forget to take care of yourself. Care givers easily get very worn out as they burn the candle at both ends. Cancer treatment really is a marathon. Don’t go out too strong and forget about your own needs in the beginning – your wants can fall to the side; your needs must be tended to.
You, your dad, and your mom must be your mom’s most vocal medical advocates. No one cares about her treatment, health, comfort, and wellness more than you guys do. No one. Sometimes, you gotta put on your b1tch pants and tell a healthcare professional that what they are offering or doing isn’t good enough or challenge their proposals and keep asking why until you get answers that you find satisfactory.
Chemo is tough. My mom also was underweight as part of a residual, barely controlled eating disorder. We had to push hard on her to eat more calories because the only way she would recover was by eating more. One of her doctors told us that calories were more important than nutrition during treatment, which made sense. Sweet foods taste better to people doing chemo and so does using plastic utensils. Find the most calorie dense ice cream or milk shakes or Wendy’s Frosty’s or canned fruit (shockingly, that was a huge hit) and get her to eat them. In my own life, I am all about nutrition and eat well. When my mom was in treatment, I would feed her whatever she would be willing to even try. Feeding a chemo patient can be like feeding a toddler: sweet foods and something that was good yesterday is gross today. Push food and beverages constantly. Your mom will never be hungry, but she has to eat.
I wrote a lot here. There is so much to digest when you’re at the stage you’re in. Please post back here again and let us know how you and she are doing. Elder care is hard and is a lot. You can do this!
Sunshine
I posted a long comment awaiting mod.
NaoNao
Wow, that’s terrible news I’m so sorry!
I would try to go one day or even one hour at a time. Rather than doing all of life (which I know that’s a phrase!) just focus on getting through smaller chunks of time.
I would look into support groups, honestly being around others that are going through the same thing is so helpful. And they may have tips for juggling competing needs while not burning out your own self.
One thing to also remember is that caring for others is a uniquely warm feeling and really character building and is great for getting your mind off your own stuff— the reason I say this is if teens or tweens are perhaps a touch…self-involved helping mom and family and grandma through this season of life may actually be *more* helpful in terms of emotional support than just mom focusing on their issues 24/7. It may actually wind up being a growth experience in terms of learning to set aside their own stuff and pull together.
Metal Meat Thermometer
One of my favorite memories with my siblings when we were teenagers and Dad was the Thanksgiving where my mom left to go take care of her mom with cancer across the country. They convinced me to leave the thermometer in the turkey instead of taking it out each time and I insisted it would melt. I was outvoted and it did melt! We never laughed so hard. I don’t even remember if we ate and every single Thanksgiving after that we basically did everything and let her sit back or make 1-2 things. So anyway, strong second the comments of your family picking up the slack while you focus on that. We didn’t have the internet and we survived.
Digby
Regarding your mom’s weight, I have one data point to share. I did chemo last year, and was underweight to start, but I ended up gaining weight during chemo. Part of it was the steroids I took, and part was that water tasted terrible to me for a week after each treatment, so I drank gallons of juice and got a lot of extra calories.
Also, in my experience, Boost tasted better than Ensure, and the oncology PA recommended blending it with ice cream to make it taste even better and get some extra calories.
There will most likely be some anti-nausea meds as part of the chemo protocol, and a prescription for an anti-nausea med for your mom to take as needed. This combo helped me get through with not much nausea.
I’m sending positive thoughts for you, your mom, and your family.
Nonny
ASAP give your mom milkshakes, high calorie smoothies, avocado, nuts, seeds, chocolate, anything high calorie that she likes and can tolerate because if she loses much weight from treatment she will need all the the pounds she can put on right now. Oncologists and dieticians generally do not care if its temporarily a lot of sugar or fat to put on some pounds because its not good to be under weight during treatment! 2) Contact Gildas Club (changing the name to something like Cancer Support Community) for the best support! Everything is free and has virtual and in person and hybrid classes. Gildas Club (Gilda Ratner of SNL fame) with in person and virtual options for.classes for patients, caregivers and family members eg. Support groups, Improv, yoga, nutrition, financial, estate planning, events where you can socialize over coffee and can ask questions and share information and more. 3) Open to Options: 612-227-2147 to make a phone appointment “before you make decisions about treatment, “you can call and ask about your options” They were quite helpful. It can take a few days to get a phone appointment so it helps to let them know if you have an urgent matter. 4) Minneapolis MN has an organization as follows that is a great help, you could call and see if they know whether a similar organization exists in your state: Cancer Legal Care – Lindy Yokanovich is founder/attorney because her mom died of cancer. Free services by experienced attorneys, they were a great help to me. Eg, health insurance and provider billing issues, appeals, prior authorization delays/denials. coverage cancelation, insurance denials/errors, and they could help with a will, Healthcare POA or Financial Poa if need be. They have an excellent booklet “Addressing Cancer’s Financial Toxicity” that you can request that goes into great detail re each of these issues. 5) See if the local metro area magazine for your area has an issue that gives the top doctors for each specialty in your area. Mpls St Paul magazine just published their annual Top Docs issue that includes oncologists and named the top 5 oncologists in the area 6) Get a second opinion on treatments that are recommended to you. Generally insurance will pay for it and in some cases even a third opinion is covered. Even if you agree with the the first treatment recommendation, if you go for a second opinion you will learn more about her type of cancer and have a broader frame of referenence. NB: Studies have shown that the more informed cancer patients are, the longer they tend to live. Big hugs, love and blessings! If you have the energy at some point please let us know how you are all doing.
nuqotw
Thanks to everyone who weighed in later yesterday on the question of appropriate colors for a male lawyer’s court attire. The green suit is getting returned.
Been There
I’m thinking of joining Rotary Club to get to know more people in my community. I’ve lived here 6 1/2 years and I like it here. I really want to give back and feel more connected. I’m curious of any of you have joined an organization for this purpose and what your experience has been like. Or have you connected to the city/town you live in through another way?
Anon
Following.
I’m on my retirement glide path and always thought I’d spend some time volunteering at the local Children’s Hospital. Turns out they have a pretty long waiting list for volunteer spots, which makes my heart happy, but I was also thinking of something like Rotary or Kiwanis.
Senior Attorney
High five from the past president of the Rotary Club of Pasadena CA! I have had a wonderful experience — even met my sweet husband at Rotary (fun fact: today is our 8th anniversary!). It’s a service club so it’s wonderful to meet people who are service-minded and at this point most of my friends are Rotarians. Helpful hint: Dive right in and join (or even co-chair) a committee. I started out writing for the weekly newsletter and that was a great way to learn everything that was going on, as well as who’s who in the club. Good luck — maybe I’ll see you at the International Convention in Calgary next spring!
Anon
Happy anniversary!!!!
Been There
Happy anniversary! This is great feedback! I’m a little concerned about the time commitment. How much time do you think you spent on this per month?
Anon
Happy Anniversary!
Senior Attorney
Thanks for the anniversary wishes!
Senior Attorney
Oops hit reply too soon — Been There, the time commitment is the weekly meeting plus whatever other time you decide to devote to it. Being president of our 200-member club was practically a full time job but these days I’d say I average well under 10 hrs a week and I’m very active.
New Here
I have to get a new phone. Mine almost 5 years old and I’m having a variety of issues, the biggest being one of the camera lenses broke and fell out (and I think the actual camera may be damaged too). I take pics of my daughter all the time, so a camera is necessary. Last summer I replaced a (different) camera lens and screen and that bought me another year.
Apple announced the iPhone 16 yesterday. I currently have an 11, so I want a new model. If you were in my shoes, would you just upgrade to the newest, or save a little maybe go with the 15? I really don’t care about the AI stuff that comes with the 16.
Anon
I’d check with your provider to see what their offers are and what your current rebate is. If you can get a 15 at no cost, if that’s an option I’d go with that. I personally don’t need all the latest bells and whistles.
Anon
Or just pay cash so you aren’t contractually bound to your provider over a three figure expense…
Anon
Or get one through your phone company where you pay monthly installments with zero interest.
Anon
Or don’t do monthly payments for things that depreciate in value and, again, limit your ability to switch carriers if a different carrier provides a cheaper plan of similar quality.
Anon
I just got a new phone and went with the 14 because it was cheaper and there’s very few differences between phone models these days.
LawDawg
I bought my 14 right after the 15 came out. There were amazing deals then and I felt like I could splurge on the Pro because of that. Today or the next few days is a great time to buy. Whatever you get will be a major upgrade to what you have now. The camera is on a whole other level.
Anon
My 15 Pro has terrible battery life. Not sure if 16 is any better. Also it’s kind of buggy, much worse than my old XR.
Chitty
Exact same experience going from XR to 15 but loving the USB C port and not having two chargers. I notice because I always need it though. I bought some portable chargers and those help. I never want to do all the things that save battery though so I figured it was me.
The only other thing is sometimes staying with the provider completely pays for the phone. I paid mine off and lost the trade in deal with Verizon. I was pretty peeved but lesson learned. Also it’s not 3 figures these phones are over a grand now to buy outright.
anon
I’m looking for some lounge shorts to wear around the house. I want soft fabric, not athletic wear. And since these styles seem to run really short, something with at least a 5″ inseam would be helpful.
Anon
Not my request but if anyone can find a version of these shorts WITH pockets, and not the swishy mesh or compression ones pls drop a link!!
testrun
Gap linen blend PJ shorts – I have a striped pair I wear out and about all the time. They just look like all the other linen shorts for sale but are super comfy. They come in tall sizes but probably a 3 in inseam.
Anon
I know this is a very specific rec, but if you have a sewing machine, this is like the easiest thing you could make, and the Friday Pattern Company Sports Shorts pattern is free.
Anon
I’ve found the answer to this in the men’s section (Target is usually good). And for the commenter below, they almost always have pockets.
Anon
The Uniqlo cotton Easy shorts are amazing. I have them in printed versions from a couple of years ago and that is all I wear around the house. Bonus – they have pockets! They are soft and wonderful.
Anonymous
Jambys but they really look like PJ shorts, not for wearing outside the house
Anon
Might seem like a weird rec, but Soma cool nights pajamas. They have long length shorts with pockets in solid colors.
Anon
Came here to say this
The one thing I will say about pajama shorts like this is that the pocket may not be great for something like a smart phone. The fabric is thin so it can really pull the shorts down.
Been There
This is my experience with the Soma cool nights cropped pants. I also found that they pill even though I line dry them. That said, they are very comfortable and I love the waist band.
Anon
I bought new ones recently and the new shorts have a different waistband – it’s sort of smocked and holds them up better. The pants still had the thin elastic waistband, though.
HSAL
Universal Standard Lorelai shorts.
Anonymous
Whatever they have in Costco!
Anon
Jockey has some that meet that description.
Anon
Need a good gift suggestion for a friends birthday under $50. Ideally it will be a “little luxury” type of item since she likes luxury beauty and premium brands. She is a single mom and enjoys gourmet food, Asian skincare, reads widely, does Pilates.
In the past, I’ve given her candles, books, unusual bakery items or fancy food.
This time, I’d like to give something beauty or fitness related, or home related if it’s nice (but not candles).
TIA!
Anonymous
Nice face masks? Those are the kind of thing that are fun to have but I wouldn’t buy for myself.
Anon
A Tom Ford lipstick would be my pick.
Anon
My friends and I tend to give each other something like a Chanel or Dior lip gloss or lipstick for occasions like this. It’s a nice little luxury, just like you said.
Anon
If you buy directly from the sites both Chanel and Dior have reasonably priced beauty items (hand creams and lip balm etc.) that will arrive nicely wrapped.
Senior Attorney
I am super into fancy hand soap at the moment. Somebody gave me a set of hand soap and lotion in LAFCO NY Feu de Bois scent and I am OBSESSED.
Senior Attorney
Molton Brown is also really nice.
Anon
Maybe Dior abricot and nail polish?
S
I’d love to be gifted a silk pillowcase.
Anon
I gifted myself a nice silk pillowcase a few months ago and I really like it.
anon for this
A perfume sampler from a high-end brand.
If you are local to her, some credits to classpass and an offer to watch her kids for 2 classes would be a huge gift.
Anon
NY Magazine section called The Strategist does fabulous shopping and gift roundups – they did one the other day for spice lovers with really cool and novel gifts at all price points (including some really funky seltzer!) if she’s into cooking or food lots of great ideas
Anonymous
Grippy Sox for Pilates. NY times food subscription for a year, if she likes to cook or read the recipes.
Anon
I’m sure this has been asked, but I need recs for good face sunscreen. Ideally drugstore priced, but open to spending a bit more for something that feels good on the skin
Anon
I just use the Nivea stuff for the face specifically from the drug store.
Anon
La Roche Posay melt-in milk is the gold standard.
Anon
The Japanese version of the Biore UV Aqua Rich, which you can order on yes style for drugstore prices. NOT the US version sold on Amazon.
US sunscreens suck! I get all of my SPF recommendations from Fiddy Snails (Jude Chao) on IG.
Anon
I like this one too. Another recommendation from Jude
https://a.co/d/8qpBMRM
Suncut UV Perfect Essence
Anon
Jude’s product recs are bad for my wallet. I’m sorry to report that the Elemis night cream she’s loving really is fantastic.
Anon
I’m all about Beauty Pie now and I’m in love with the Shinkai moisturizer, which is great for my wallet! I won’t even try the Elemis haha.
anon
Just a warning that you have to reapply. I got pretty badly sunburned after two hours in the sun wearing Biore Aqua. I now wear the Banana Boat Faces, also spf 30, and never get sunburned doing the same hike. The Biore sure feels nicer on the skin at application but Banana absorbs fine after a little while.
Anon
Did you use 1/4 tsp for your face / or three fingers? I use this product every single day and I’m often outdoors for 2 hours at a time. I’ve never burned.
AnonAnon
Neutrogena hydroboost sunscreen. I love it!
Anoncat
Trader Joe’s sunscreen. It’s as good as any Asian sunscreen I’ve tried. Apparently it’s a dupe for the much more expensive Supergoop product.
Anonanonanon
Second this.
anon
Came here to say this also.It feels rich.
Ginger
Agree with the comments above. And it costs about $5.
Anon
CosRX light sunscreen is fantastic. They have a store front on Amazon but I usually buy from Jolse or Olive Young.
Anon
Cetaphil
Anon
Beauty of Joseon Relief Sun
Anonymous
has anyone purchased a great harris/walz lawn sign? the ones at their site are so boring.
Anonymous
This is the realm of Etsy.
Anonymous
The ones on their site include a donation to the campaign, though!
Anon
I feel like they’re also unlikely to arrive before the election. On the one hand, this shortened campaign is excellent!! On the other, it means the merch offerings are more limited and don’t arrive with much time before the campaign. (I am aware this is the most trivial of issues.)
edj3
Me! But from Etsy. I’m an Army veteran and my sign says:
Not a sucker or a loser
Veterans for Harris
Anon
I love that!
And I agree that you are neither a sucker nor a loser. Thank you for your service to our country.
anon
I’m an Army veteran too and I am getting that sign! Thanks for the rec.
edj3
Fist bump! I cannot stand how that orange thing denigrates military service.
anonymous
You do realize this story was made up?
I can’t stand Trump, but we stoop to his level by false stories about him.
neighborly
I’ve seen a “Harris, Obviously” sign I thought was great. and also a “Childless Cat Lady for Harris Walz” that has a cute cat on it. Of course accross the street is a giant Trump flag. my block is blissfully sign and flag free.
Anon
What’s your preferred way to send faxes when you don’t have access to a fax machine? I need to request medical records, and of course there’s no other way other way to do it…
Anon
There are fax services that come to your email. You get a dedicated number and it forwards to your email.
Anon
I just noticed that my app for my home printer, which is an HP, has a mobile fax offer you can sign up for.
Anon
I should add, I just need to send one fax. I don’t need to do this regularly, so I don’t want to sign up for a regular service or pay for anything if it can be avoided.
Anonymous
Check out your library or a little mom-n-pop shipping store in a strip mall or the service desk at an office supply store like Staples. I’d go to my local little FedEx shipping store which seems to do all that sort of thing.
anon
My library has a fax machine for patrons to use.
Anon
+1 – my library will do this for a very minimal fee (like, $1 or something).
Anon
Yes, thanks, this is definitely the back up plan if I don’t figure out another way to do it without leaving the house. It seems ridiculous that it’s somehow considered more secure for me to hand my medical information over to some sketchy online company or app or use a fax at the library that anyone can access than just be able to request this by phone or through MyChart (which I though was supposed to be secure?).
Anon
Go to your local library, I’m sure you’ll be able to do it there.
Anon
Another vote for the library, or if medical records maybe your doctor’s office would send the request on your behalf?
Online Fax - no money or signups
Free Fax services online is perfect for this – the 2x a year fax need… my favorites are:
got free fax (dot com)
fax zero (dot com)
as long as it’s just a few pages, those two have worked great for me.
Anon
This is what I’m looking for, thanks!
Gail the Goldfish
Some Fedex stores (and presumably UPS) will do this.
Anon
Use Dropbox fax. Wirecutter recommended it. It has been a lifesaver for me when I have been my dad’s power of attorney and needed to deal with several insurance and medical issues.
Anon
Oh wow, please help narrow the universe for me. My ancient, no-brand hair dryer died this morning. There are way, way more options than when I picked this one up from a clearance rack two decades ago.
I have not historically used my dryer often but recently changed my hair style. I have fine, frizz-prone hair cut into a blunt bob with disorganized curls that fall to loose waves throughout the day. It takes a long time to air dry, though. What type of attachments and features do I want? Any specific recs?
Anon
If you want to maintain your wave/curls, you need to either air dry (try doing that using JVN Air Dry Cream – it’s amazing) or use a diffuser attachment.
If you want to go straight, I cannot help but recommend my T3 brush style hair dryer. I picked it up during the Nordstrom anniversary sale this year and it has exceeded all of my hopes!
Anonymous
+1 if you want to enhance waves – diffuser attatchment. I also love the Jonathan Van Ness Air Dry Cream – you can also use it to refresh your curls in dry hair if you have to do a rough and quick dry.
My hair stylist uses the Dyson with a diffuser, and I will get that one when my current one dies, if I have the funds.
Lydia
just got this one recently and I’m super happy with it (it’s a dyson-style knockoff):
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0D1QNWNKC/
Anonymous
I got the Dyson Supersonic as a gift and love it for my curly/wavy hair. I use the diffuser and tilt my head, load a section of hair into the diffuser, raise the diffuser to my scalp, and dry that section until it’s all the way dry. Repeat, tilting my head based on which section I’m drying. Then scrunch with a hair oil when everything’s dry. I can’t believe how much better my hair looks doing this versus air drying, and it takes maybe 10 minutes.
Anon
I recommend the Revlon one-step volumizing brush. I have the Dyson Air Wrap which cost almost ten times as much and I never use it. The Revlon works much better on my long and fine hair.
Anon
Not the OP but thank you! Just ordered.
Anon
I also had both, but the Revlon was too heavy.