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Our electric kettle just died (well, it started leaking boiling water all over our hands), so it was time for a new one. After some research we bought this one from Cuisinart, and I'm really pleased with it.
To review: for years I had a picturesque kettle sitting on my stove that I never used, and would inevitably get splashed with random cooking stains. Then I hit my Tea Era and we got an electric kettle that was a HUGE improvement over the picturesque kettle — it heated up evenly and quickly.
This new Cuisinart is an even bigger improvement because it has preset temperatures for specific types of tea, and its default setting is that it will maintain the last temperature for 30 minutes. I still primarily drink herbal tea, so boiling water is still the best, but I tried the lower temperature setting for green tea last week, and I thought the green tea was a lot smoother and less bitey than I've found it in the past… so it's a win!
(Of course, my mother tells me the first one failed because we leave water in the kettle almost all the time without letting it dry out… off to go dump the water from this morning's pour-over coffee…)
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anonymous
can anyone share tips on dealing with sunspots on the outside of your cheeks? i already know i need to be better with my sunscreen and my trentinoin. i wonder if i’m getting them there because i wear a regular baseball hat on most outdoor things, not a wide brimmed hat. my derm hasn’t said anything the last few times i’ve been to her.
anonanonanon
I think vitamin C serums help with sunspots. It doesn’t have to be the uber-pricy Skinceuticals; there are a lot of effective but inexpensive formulations out there (various K-Beauty brand or the Ordinary).
Anon
The very best vitamin C serum I’ve ever used is ‘Poems from the Lab’. It is fading dark spots within weeks of use. That, paired with religious daily sunblock use, would be my suggestion.
Anonymous
It has better work for $90!
Anon
If you’re looking for a cheaper options Timeless is widely considered the best of the low/midmarket. I’m comparing it to the SkinCeuticals C E Ferulic serum which is $180, discolored horribly after 1 month, and smelled like warm hot dog water.
Anon
Skinceuticals was the worst $180 hot dog water I’ve ever paid for. Agree to look for other brands. I think Mad Hippie is supposed to be good, and you can get it at Whole Foods.
Sallyanne
Also really like Poems from the Lab! And Dear Lucy too.
Anon
Hats are great, but use an effective sunscreen (the amount you need to use is probably more than you think.)
Laser is an option for getting rid of them immediately, though they may come back so it’s a maintenance thing.
Tretinoin should help, but it also makes you more sun sensitive.
Anon
But don’t you know, we’re all going overboard on sun protection and we’re going to die of vitamin D deficiency, or something like that, according to many posters here.
Anon
hahaha…
Anon
I am the large brimmed hat lover. Love it. It works. Find a few you like. Yes, a baseball hat isn’t enough
I use sunscreen and retinoin. But I have to cover.
Just one afternoon in a short sleeved shirt… more sun spots.
Or just take the spots?
I decided I’m not going to start the cycle of removing them every year with laser. Prevention.
Anonymous
what are your favorite large brimmed hats? i have a great one for gardening but i feel like i can barely see anything in my periphery, just looking down.
Anon
San Diego Hats has some nice ones.
But it’s funny, the one that I have literally been wearing a lot lately I grabbed at Old Navy when I was there in person looking for sports bras and needed a hat. It was at the checkout….
Oversized, wide-brim, black and it fit my head perfectly. It’s literally on sale at Old Navy for $5 now I think. The one in the picture online looks like mine except mine has a brim that I can bend/curve slightly which I really like. The one in the pix online is flat, but I bet its malleable.
Anon
And a bird had just pooped on my favorite straw garden hat, which is why I made that Old Navy impulse purchase.
Maudie Atkinson
In my experience, the only thing that really touches them is laser and hydroquinone. I’ve done a few rounds of IPL over the years.
After that, it’s a matter of using sunscreen every day and wearing a wide-brim hat when you’re in the sun for any prolonged period.
Anon
Agree. I think vitamin c helps with a lot of things, but you can spend years diligently applying it and not get the results you’d get in a one hour laser appointment.
Anon
Agree! For prevention I’d suggest a high SPF sunscreen with PA++++ rating (for UVA protection) and tinted moisturizer or foundation (for visible light protection).
Jules
I had sun damage on the left side of my face, presumably from lots of driving. I had a facial at a schmancy spa that used Eminence Organics skin care products and bought a couple of items from their “Bright Skin” line, which says that it uses a “natural hydroquinone alternative.” I used the moisturizer with SPF and the night cream for several months and it really worked to get rid of the spots. (I’m now using a daily moisturizer with sunscreen, which I didn’t always do before.)
It’s pricey – although not as expensive as some of the other products mentioned here – but very effective. I used it for a few years but decided to dial back the expense and gave it up. After my first jars ran out, I bought the creams a couple of times on Amazon and didn’t have any reason to think they were counterfeit but one jar that arrived seemed weird, maybe just old, so I started buying it from this place: https://buynaturalskincare.com/collections/bright-skin-vitaskin. You can sometimes find discount codes from RetailMeNot, although I didn’t see any today.
Highly recommend.
Jules
I have a longer comment with a link in mod, but I highly recommend the Bright Skin line by Eminence Organics, available online from the manufacturer, Buy Natural Skin Care and other sites. It got rid of dark spots on my left cheek from sun exposure while driving, with a “natural hydroqinone alternative.”
Runcible Spoon
I am a big tea drinker, and I have the older version of this kettle, and it’s the best (and less expensive than the new and improved version). It heats up enough water to brew a pitcher of iced tea, and to boil water for making chicken broth and more. HIghly recommended!
Anon
I don’t think mine is a Cuisinart, but mine does have a bunch of different temperature options. I’ll never go back to just boiling!
Anon
I love my electric kettle too! Though mine is a gooseneck, which is great for pour-over coffee.
AIMS
I have this too and it’s fantastic. I do not understand how everyone doesn’t have one. I use mine for French press too – I set it to 200 degrees while I shower and I come out to perfect temp hot water without worrying about my tea kettle while I shower.
Anon
My aunt recently died on hospice care and I was so fortunate to be able to make it in time to say goodbye and for an additional visit with her husband and daughter (and several other family members who were around) several days later. Our family historically hasn’t held funerals, but there will be a memorial service this time for several hours in the late afternoon at a local community location. Ordinarily it would be a no-brainer to go (I’m a believer in “almost always go” for weddings, funerals, etc), but I’ll be 35 weeks pregnant and it will be over an hour away in a very trafficky area; it typically takes us closer to 4 hours round trip. I’m nervous about being far from my hospital and also about COVID exposure (I’m high-risk with a high-risk pregnancy) close to delivery, although part of me also thinks it would *likely* be fine. The two choices are skip or go and mask. WWYD?
Anon
Ask your OB. You’ll feel better about following the advice no matter what it is.
anon
I would go, assuming you’re not driving to the middle of absolutely nowhere so that in a true emergency you don’t have access to a hospital. But, labor is (almost always) not quick. 35 weeks pregnant is still a ways out in most cases and even if you started to have contractions, you’d be able to be home in 2 hours, it sounds like. If it’s covid or some other reason you’re hesitating, stay home, but I don’t think the fear of early delivery would be it for me. But ultimately, do what you’re comfortable with, nothing more and nothing less. Signed, was once high risk with a high risk pregnancy, and she’s now 9 months :)
Anon
It’s mostly COVID – I’ve taken pains to avoid it during this whole pregnancy on the advice of my OB and going to a large indoor event that a lot of people are traveling to feels like a big risk that close to delivery (I’m likely delivering at 39 weeks, FWIW). A secondary concern is the risk of going into labor, which I hope will be very unlikely at 35 weeks! I will definitely bring this all up with my OB too.
Anon
I am very covid cautious, and would still say go. You can wear a very high quality mask.
Anon
I’d say go ONLY if there is a high quality NICU in the area and it is in a woman-friendly state. I’d be terrified of giving birth in a place like Texas or Arizona right now.
Anon
Yes to both, luckily, although it’s not in network and would present insurance hassles. From a safety perspective, it would be there.
Anon
Go and N95 mask with nasal sprays!
I think cases have started to fall in most regions.
But also- I grant you permission to skip this based on these very real factors.
Anon
+1
This is what I’d do. I’d go and wear an N95.
Cases of COVID are rising fast where I am. Currently family and neighbors have it.
Anon
I don’t believe you can get nasal sprays in the U.S…
Anon
@ 3:50– I mean basic saline nasal rinses or xylitol sprays. No there is no real fda proof they work against Covid but I like the extra peace of mind they offer. And actually I think there are some prelim studies showing saline nasal rinses clear out Covid presence (again not saying they stop you from getting sick!)
Anon
I would go; it’s not that far and you’re still pretty unlikely to deliver this early.
Anon
I am not sure why people are insistent that you should go. At 35 weeks pregnant with a high risk pregnancy it’s a no brainer – stay home. Your uncle and cousin will understand.
Anon
Maybe it depends why you are high risk. I was a geriatric pregnancy (so high risk for fetal chromosomal abnormalities) with a previa (so high risk of bleeding to death for a v delivery u til it moved up, which it did). No high blood pressure or gestational diabetes. Every risk even in high risk is different and not necessarily related to labor and delivery.
Anon
i am stuck in mod, but i literally developed high blood pressure overnight. i was totally fine at my 35 week OB appointment and the next day had to go in for another test and then didn’t leave.
Senior Attorney
I agree with this. You said your goodbyes in person and although it would be nice to go to the memorial service, I can’t imagine anybody looking askance at your staying home under the circumstances.
Anon
I would completely defer to my OB on this. High risk because you’re 38 is very different than high risk because you have cervical incompetence + maternal hypertension + a history of stillbirth, for example.
Anon
i wouldn’t go. you’ve just visited with these family members. granted, my (only) pregnancy was with twins and i couldn’t have sat for that long in a car not having to stop to pee many many times and i went to a doc appointment at 35 weeks and all was good, and then went in for a test at 35 weeks and 1 day and had high blood pressure and a c section was scheduled for 48 hours later. you mention a high risk pregnancy, and idk what your risk is, but to me not worth the risk. i too come from a family of almost always go, and travel with my kids by plane at least once a year for less than 48 hours to celebrate holidays, etc. i also say this as someone whose own mom passed away prematurely, i wouldn’t have wanted someone to take unnecessary risks with their pregnancy to attend my mother’s funeral
Anon
I think I’d go in a good respirator mask, but I’d probably also scout out the hospitals in the area with the risks and potential needs in mind.
My family has had one bad experience and one close call with medical emergencies happening far away from fully resourced hospitals, so sadly it’s something I think about when traveling with risk factors now. Hopefully trafficky means well resourced though!
Anon
Agree with those that say talk to your OB and that all types of risk are different. I’m 31 weeks with a high risk pregnancy (clotting disorder + preeclampsia in a prior pregnancy) and am scheduled to deliver at 37 weeks. I am not currently having any symptoms (no high blood pressure), but given my unique medical history and the fact that things can change quickly at this point for me, I have already stopped traveling. In contrast, I wouldn’t really hesitate to go to a large event for Covid reasons at this point in pregnancy as that isn’t a primary risk for me.
Anon
It would depend what the risk is? So I would check with my doctor.
If they have told you that you shouldn’t travel at all, or you’re on bed rest etc… of course no.
But if it is more general risk, I would just wear an N95 mask, don’t eat is close proximity with others etc… Just use COVID precautions.
Anonymous Canadian
I would not go. You saw your Aunt when she was alive and your family knows that you love them. If you go you’re going to worry regardless. Do you think your Aunt would want that? I wouldn’t in her situation.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant. I think I’d just wait until the day or evening before and say you aren’t feeling up to it. Everyone will understand. No need to get into reasons why. Cut your pregnant self some slack – send a nice card and make a donation to whatever charity is in the obituary and keep in touch with the family in the times ahead.
Senior Attorney
+1,000,000 to the first paragraph.
Anon
Thanks all for the perspectives. The risk for me comes primarily from a preexisting immune condition (hence the COVID precautions). While I do have a history of miscarriage, this pregnancy has otherwise been healthy so far. I’m technically advanced maternal age but they don’t seem too concerned by that around here – very common. I agree I wouldn’t even consider going if I were dealing with known markers for preeclampsia or anything like that.
Anon
I think going and not going both make plenty of sense. An hour or two in the car while super pregnant is pretty uncomfortable but not unmanageable. I’d definitely wear a mask if I went. But if you aren’t up for it, people will get it.
Anon
I’d go. An hour away is close enough – you’d likely not head to the hospital for hours if you went into labor anyway, so there’d be plenty of time to get to your hospital. Just wear a mask.
Seventh Sister
If you’re nervous about being that far away from the hospital, I’d probably skip it. A lot of memorial services nowadays have a Zoom option if you want to watch the service. That may be a possibility.
anonanonanon
Has anyone here used a luggage forwarding service within Italy, such as Zyppy offered in conjunction with Trenitalia? My big concern is reliability. I have not found a lot of reviews online.
I’ll be in Italy later this fall on a combination work/leisure trip, and will be taking the train from Lake Como to a mountain resort and another to Milan. I’d love not to schlep the business clothes/black tie to the spa resort, and instead have a bag sent to the final hotel in Milan.
anon
At the same time I started making a conscious effort to eat more beans daily, I found a jar of dried kidney beans in the back of my pantry. They’re up to 2 years old. These things don’t go bad, right? What’s your favorite recipe to cook with kidney beans? I know I have to soak them for 8 or so hours, but then what can I make that will be delicious?
Sunshine
I do make beans from dried beans and eat them with just salsa. No recipes but I absolutely would eat 2+ year old dried beans and wouldn’t think twice.
Anon
They don’t go bad, but they do get less good. Honestly I’d toss them.
Anon
Beans are so cheap, I’d get fresh ones too
Pompom
You can repurpose them as pie weights if that’s useful to you.
Anonymous
They will be fine to eat. Kidney beans are classic chili beans. I’d make a chili con carne personally. But you could also toss them in a salad.
Anon
That is what I would do. Soak them overnight, then simmer them with a quartered onion and a few smashed garlic cloves, maybe a bay leaf. When they’re soft, add them to chili. The additions to the cooking water will make them taste better than canned beans.
Older beans may take longer to get soft, but they haven’t “gone bad” and I wouldn’t get rid of them.
I do add salt when I simmer beans. Lots of guidance says not to because it can take them longer to soften, but I’d rather cook a little longer vs having flavorless beans. I don’t add a ton. Maybe, maybe, I wouldn’t risk it with question mark who knows how old dried beans, but generally, with the dried beans I get from the grocery store, I add salt.
Anonymous
Kidney beans are the ones that require the most fiddling, since those are toxic if you don’t do them right.
I wouldn’t worry about the age beyond using more liquid, bit please do check kidney bean safety protocols.
Anonymous
i eat beans with tabasco sauce
i also put them in quesadillas
i also add kidney beans to dishes with ground beef. just remember the beans “hold” spices differently than the ground beef (or any meat) so you may have to make some changes to the recipe.
Anon
My husband’s BFF died recently. BFF had been an addict for a long time (it’s the classic Dopesick story — pills were originally Rx, other pills followed, then the illegals). The family isn’t having a service — too many local “using” friends of the BFF could come, there are lots of hard feelings, and this was hard for them to watch over the years. I guess I’ve never seen it before when there wasn’t a service (and was a refusal to do so), but I totally get that why that is the case here. BFF is being cremated, so there won’t be a grave to visit. Husband is just broken up for the kid he grew up with but I’m not sure (and he’s not sure) if he should reach out at all or just stay out of it. They are my MIL’s neighbors, so it’s not like we won’t see them when we are visiting.
Sunshine
I think he should reach out. I’m assuming BFF’s family was a part of your DH’s childhood. I think he acknowledges how much he also has missed BFF in the recent years because of BFF’s addiction, how much he hoped that BFF would recover, and how sad he is for the loss. I’d also encourage DH to visit BFF’s parents sometimes when you see your MIL – they may exchange happy stories about BFF as a child when your DH was hanging out a lot with him. I bet BFF’s parents would be delighted to see your DH and sharing memories is the way to keep the happy memories of BFF alive.
eertmeert
I assume your husband was not an active participant in BFF’s addiction, which would be the type of person his family seems to want to avoid. In that case, definitely reach out. Especially since you will be seeing them in the future. Share the heartbreak. This is a heartbreaking event.
Anon
This
Anonymous
This. The family might like to hear from those outside the addiction circle to remind them of better times and that their son had good friends who truly loved him.
anon
+1
Anon
Absolutely this.
The parents would appreciate hearing from and being around people that loved their son and remember him from the best of times, and can tell stories of those days. It would be wonderful for your husband to reach out to them. So wonderful.
Senior Attorney
100%
Anon
In a few occasions over the years I haven’t been able to attend a funeral in person. In those instances I made sure to handwrite (or type) a letter expressing my condolences, describing the impact the deceased had on me, and sharing some happy memories. I’m older (50s) and there weren’t as many pictures being taken in my teens/20s/30s so I also sorted through old photos and made copies to share with the family if I had them. This has always been well received – it gives the family something tangible to pull out and read/look back on.
Anon
Your husband should reach out with his condolences and happy memories, but he doesn’t have a say about what is does with the cremains and whether or not there will be a service. Don’t make demands of the grieving family, not even something that sounds sort of/kind of like a demand.
Anon
It would be lovely if your husband could hand deliver food to them. Something that he and his BFF loved from childhood / comfort food / chicken pot pie … whatever. And just spend some time talking to them, and crying with them. The parents may so appreciate hearing from someone who was so close to their son, as a child, who knew him deeply and has good memories too.
anon
My high school BFF’s brother died recently under similar circumstances. He was 36. There was no funeral for similar reasons. I am so, so glad I reached out to my friend and her mom and could talk about the good times and how we remembered him as a young kid, especially because there had been a lot of bad memories from his adult life. My condolences to your husband. This is tough, tough stuff.
Anon
Absolutely reach out. There is so much stigma and shame around addiction and questioning if you should have done something differently. Being with someone who loved their son and is also heartbroken at this loss would likely be a huge balm to the family.
Money Thread Follow Up
Piggybacking on the money post from this morning. Someone, specifically Anonymous at 2:09, posted they have money in “Vanguard accounts” – tell me more…
What are these – money markets? Does value fluctuate with the market (like stocks)? Talk to me like I’m 5, because I’m really smart, I promise, but what to do with six figures of excess cash (happy problem, I know) is puzzling, downright crippling, to me. I just get so nervous moving it to anything but a bank/HYSA but that’s a function of just not having great personal finance modeling, I suppose. What do these accounts generally yield annually? Why vanguard? Are there others?
Anon
Vanguard has many funds. Some are index funds that mirror the stock market, so if the market generally goes up, the value of the fund goes up. Likewise, if the market goes down, the value of the fund will go down.
They also have bond funds, which follow the bond market.
I have a lot of my retirement in one of their target retirement age funds, which adjusts the riskiness of the fund downward as I near retirement.
Vanguard also offers money market accounts which would probably be a lot like your HYSA but less liquid (meaning that if you need the money it may take a few days to get it.)
OP
THANK YOU. Why have folks opted for money markets over HYSA in the last two years? Do they generally yield higher than HYSAs (mine is happily at 4.5%, though will be going down soon I’m sure).
Thinking I take the “emergency chunk” of the lump sum I have and put it in a MM, assuming yielding more than my HYSA, and then take a different chunk that I’m willing to ride the market with and put it in an index fund.
Anon
Where do you have 4.5%? My Capital One 360 went down to 4.25%
OP
Citizens Access
Anonymous
Amex savings
Anon
I am able to put my company retirement and pension account funds in a MM but not a HYSA, that may be the case for others as well. I’ve done that periodically when it looks like the market is about to tank and it’s saved me a solid amount of losses over the last 2 years.
Anon
I sincerely doubt you’ll be able to do better than 4.5% with no risk. I’d stay put for now! My MM is not yielding more than my Ally account.
anonanonanon
If you are in a state with state income tax, something like VUSXX–Vanguard’s treasury money market fund– is a better bet than a HYSA since the dividends are state-tax exempt. If you live someplace without a state tax, VMFXX (the non-treasury money market fund), works just as well. Both have higher rates (currently 5.2%) than most HYSAs. When I sell from VUSXX, the money is in my settlement fund the next day and then can be transferred wherever it needs to go, so it takes an extra day or so as opposed to a bank HYSA.
Anon
+1
This is what I do.
I have similar accounts/funds at Fidelity.
All of my emergency fund right now is in these high yield money market funds making over 5%.
Anonymous
great to know about this, thank you!
Anonymous
but the VUSXX page says “Income generated from investments in repurchase agreements with the federal reserve are generally subject to state and local income taxes.”
anonanonanon
Re the repurchase agreement thing (I can’t reply directly to that comment): Ok, yes, only something like 90% of the state tax is exempt in places like California and New York (and Connecticut? there are a few states with more restrictive rules on what’s exempt and what’s not). But the bulk is. The amount exempt varies each year, but it’s never been below 80%.
If you want to truly maximize and not have any repurchase agreements, I guess a rolling T-Bill ladder?
Anonymous
so i was the 2:09 poster – if it isn’t in our HYSA (or a CD through our HYSA) it’s in the market in an index fund, generally VTSAX. again this is money we’re saving for someday with no immediate plans to use it, so i don’t mind taking a risk on it, and the rewards over 25 years of investing have been great. when the markets have a big dip or correction or whatever our accounts took a hit, but it’s still money we weren’t planning on using. i read somewhere that if you invested in 1929 the night before the stock market crashed, by 1934 you’d have doubled your investment.
we keep a very small amount of money in the Vanguard settlement account, which may be a money market account, not sure. years and years ago i kept a lot of money in a money market account that gave 7% returns, then almost overnight it changed to next to nothing, without any notification. so i keep near-future spending money in a HYSA since the rate of return is easier to find. the money we DO keep in the settlement account is for automated trades that i’ve set up to watch a specific stock for a good price.
anonanonanon
The Vanguard settlement account is VMFXX, so earning 5%+.
Not all settlement funds at other brokerages give good returns: Schwab’s is something like 0.45% (you have to specifically buy money market funds and there’s no auto-liquidation). Not sure about Fidelity or the others.
Anon
Fidelity’s currently earns about 5%
Anon
And Vanguard is one company of many that offers different investment products. Schwab, major banks, Fidelity, Chase, Morgan Stanley… and more. You don’t have to put your money with Vanguard.
Anonymous
Vanguard quality has dropped over the years and they do seem like a more traditional provider pushing advisory services. Personally I have been happier with fidelity for quality of services and access to phone support. The vanguard phone support is currently maddening.
Anon
Sadly, I agree. I follow the Vanguard index fund / Boglehead style of investing, and most of my money in the stock market is in VTI (Vanguard US stock market ETF), but this year I moved all of it to Fidelity to consolidate. Vanguard has just dropped the ball too many times. Fidelity has better customer service, also plenty of low cost funds that now compete with Vanguard, and I can always buy the Vanguard ETFs I like at Fidelity. I also use Fidelity as my “bank”, check writing, bill pay and use their 2% cash back credit card.
Anon
PSA the Google icon thingie today is adorable and you should definitely check it out.
https://www.google.com/
Anon
It’s so cute!
Anon
What makes your office *better*? I am moving into a new office and mostly in-person work. I want to add a few things to make my office more comfortable. I already have a throw, a laptop stand to work standing, and a SAD lamp. Any other suggestions?
Anon
A mirror! I love being able to check my hair, for food in my teeth, etc. throughout the day.
Anon
Same. I need reading glasses, so my tiny mirror in my desk drawer – it’s the kind with suction cups to stick to a bigger mirror, though I don’t use it like that – is what I use for checking my lipstick, teeth, etc.
If I need a bigger mirror, I open a zoom window.
Two ceramic coasters on my desk so I can have both my water and hot coffee or tea.
A stand for my iphone.
External speakers so I can actually hear people on zooms – my laptop built-in speakers suck.
A desk lamp with an incandescent light bulb. Fluorescent light only gets to me after a while.
This is a big one that’s hard for me to maintain: Getting rid of old paperwork so that I can stow my current in-process stack in my desk drawer for a clean desk surface. When I really need to knuckle down and get to work and spend intense hours in a spreadsheet (I’m a numbers person) then I psychologically need an uncluttered desk so I can focus.
Anon
A good chair is essential.
Anonymous
A footrest and a HEPA air filter. I like Blueair.
cars
I cosign the mirror – I have one on the wall I look at every time I walk out of my office. I also have a really nice background for video calling that I spent time curating, but on the other side of my office that the video cannot see, I have a set of personal pictures of my kids and husband. I love looking at it throughout the day.
Anon
I have also curated my background. I find the virtual background distracting. I prefer the real thing so that I can focus.
Anon
All the various chargers for all of my devices and accessories within easy reach, and a tidy arrangement for using them.
Uncluttered surfaces.
Magnet or cork board on the side wall so I can easily post all my notes, reference sheets, etc.
anon
are boden sizes us or uk? like is a 10 really a 6 or is it a 10?
Anon
A six is really a six, but it’s closer to a designer 6. I usually take a 2/4 in flowy styles/rufflepuff or Old Navy/Gap/Ann Taylor but I always take a 6 in Boden/Hobbs/LK Bennett.
Clementine
On the US website they will say 10UK/6US. They’re really clear.
I’ll also add that Boden tends to be a little short waisted and also generous in the bust. At 5’8, I need their tall sizes.
Anon
I’m 5’10” and usually can’t wear their dresses at all due to the waist placement. Separates tend to be OK, especially now that hemlines are longer, but ordering tall sizes doesn’t always fix the waist problem for me.
They’re good about providing garment measurements (click “size guide”) so a measuring tape so you can compare to a garment that fits you (not your body measurements) is crucial.
Anon
I find their sizes very roomy. So if it says US 6, in my experience it has fit more like a US 8. It’s so bad that I rarely order their clothes anymore despite liking them! Just so many misses due to sizing.
Anonymous
Do you normally buy very high end clothing? I find the sizing pretty standard, it’s only out of step with truly designer items that don’t vanity size at all.
Anon
Do you normally buy very high end clothing? I find the sizing pretty standard, it’s only out of step with truly designer items that don’t vanity size at all.
Anon
U.S. sizes on the U.S. website
PolyD
They give actual garment measurements, so measure an item that fits you well and use that to choose your Boden size.
I agree that they do run smaller than US mall shops.
anon
I’m thinking of treating my mom to a weekend in Paris as an add-on to a European conference I’m attending in November. (She lives in Northern Europe, I live in the U.S.) I want her to have a really nice experience (because I can afford it, and she was a hard working single mom raising me when money was tight). Any hotels you have loved, that has kind of a luxurious feel? Also, if you loved a small Parisian bistro, please let me know the name. I think that’s the kind of thing she would enjoy.
Anon
No recommendations but love this idea! Hope you have a great trip.
Anon
+1 this is really lovely.
Anonymous
I’d reach out to Megan Donovan at en route to reverie. She does luxury Paris really well and will know which hotel will be perfect
Anon OP
Good tip, thank you!
test run
Hôtel Madame Rêve! The rooms are gorgeous (get one that overlooks the courtyard) as is the rooftop restaurant.
Anon OP
Oooh this looks lovely!
Anon
I love the Park Hyatt Vendome.
My favorite bistro is Chez Monsieur, walking distance from there.
I wish I were your mom! What a lovely treat. You are a good daughter.
Anon
https://www.chezmonsieur.fr/home
Anon OP
Thank you for the recommendations!
Senior Attorney
We loved the Hotel Regina, across the street from the Louvre.
Anon
Yes! The best! I treated my own mom to a Paris trip and we had an Eiffel Tower view room at Hotel Regina. She has never been happier.
Cat
Cafe- le petit Marche near place des Vosges was our winner last spring!
Anon
Hotel kepler
Anon
I am 31, single, unhappy about it, but also hate online dating. I’ve been mostly single since college (a few guys I dated for a month or two, a few casual FWBs, but no relationships). I’ve been on the apps off and on for the last few years and nothing has really come of it. My ex and any FWB I’ve had have been someone I was friends with or at least ran in the same circles with; I’ve never successfully started dating or seeing a stranger or someone who I met with the sole purpose of dating them. One of the friends who was an FWB ended things a few months ago and it’s been really stressful to me – it really seemed to both of us that we were going to start dating and then he ended it (kind of rudely) and I’ve spiraled.
I have a large circle of friends and have quite a few hobbies, but those don’t seem to be viable options to meet men.
About half of my friends are also unhappily single and the other half are married and settled down. I have lots of anxiety about not finding someone ever, or not finding someone in time to have kids. As friends settle down, get married, and now are starting to move to the burbs or have kids I’m really freaked out that it will never happen to me and I’ll be the old maid friend who lives alone while my friends all have families and fulfillment.
I didn’t like being single in my 20s, but it didn’t worry me the way that being single in my 30s does.
Anon
That sucks, and you’re definitely not alone. I would stop falling into FWB situations. In my personal experience and the experience of my friends, it’s very rare for those to turn into actual relationships. They also often make you feel bad about yourself when they don’t turn into a relationship. Take the energy you’re spending on those men, and start going on more dates. It’s sad, but a lof ot this is a numbers game. More dates = more possibility to meet someone. I don’t believe in lowering your standards, but do you have any arbitrary deal breakers? Like, are you only willing to date men 6ft or men who read a lot? If so, I would probably broaden your parameters.
Anon
Agreed, the FWBs were all very low key (if we happened to be out together, with our mutual friends, we’d hook up but otherwise we wouldn’t – very low energy or time spent on these), but probably not great for my mental health.
No arbitrary dealbreakers. I go back and forth between methods: only swiping right on people who (based by their profile) I’d want to go on a date with or swiping right on everyone who is objectively not awful (Based on their profile). But, generally, if their profile is fully filled out, I find their pictures attractive, and they don’t have any thing bad on their profile, I swipe right.
Anon
You’re not alone. I’m in my late 30s and I’ve given up on the apps because they’re so awful. I don’t know what the answer is honestly – I’ve just made peace with the fact that marriage isn’t going to happen for me.
Anon
I don’t think marriage is a prerequisite for happiness, but if it’s what you want, I think you’re giving up too early. My three closest girlfriends and I all met our husbands in our late 30s (3 on the apps; 1 at work).
Anon
I’m sorry. And I don’t have great advice except all the things you already know. Maybe doing group traveling/activities (like white water rafting-type of stuff) would get you meeting yet more people?
I was 34 when I met and married my husband. I remember feeling this way in my early thirties, too. My one thing is that I decided that I did, in fact, want children, and I decided that didn’t require a partner (though I wanted one). All to say is that there really aren’t merely two stations (eg, “old maid friend who lives alone” / “families and fulfillment”). Think of the things you want for the future, and be open to things working maybe slightly differently than you might immediately imagine.
Anon
OP here – financially, how do people swing being a single mother by choice? I make 90k in a MCOL that’s becoming HCOL; rent for a 1BR is about 40% of my take-home pay. I know daycare is more than my rent. Plus, just increased costs (food, diapers, healthcare). I see this recommendation if you really want kids don’t let being single hold you back, but also I don’t see how anyone affords this?
Anon
I agree with you, I think you have to be in a higher tax bracket to be a SMBC. I don’t know anyone who did it on $90k in a HCOL area. I’m sorry :(
Anon
One of my besties did it, but she took a transfer with her job to a LCOL area. She’s very happy with her little family.
Anon
On the other hand, I know several of single moms thriving on that amount in the Atlanta outer suburbs (not sure how to classify the COL). Most have pretty flexible jobs, and their kids all go to public school.
Anonymous
Are those single mothers by choice or single mothers who are receiving child support payments? And were they single when the kids were in day care?
Anon
Yeah, I could probably swing being a single mom by choice of a school age kid and / or a single mom of a pre-schooler receiving child support. I truly don’t think my low 6 figure salary would support being a single mom by choice of a kid in preschool.
Anon
Infant daycare is $20k+/year in my LCOL area. I don’t see how you swing that on a $90k pre-tax household income. Of course there are families here that earn less than $90k and have multiple children, bu the mothers either don’t work or they have significant grandparent help with the kids (the JD Vance solution!) and I suspect a lot of them don’t save adequately for retirement. Once kids get in public school, it’s much easier. Aftercare is $50/week here and summer camp is more, but not that much more. But I don’t know how you make it work from age 0-5 on that kind of income. I guess you could save a lot in advance, but on that income I think you’d have to be raiding retirement to save enough.
Anon
I’m 4:51 with the friend who is a single mom by choice. She had a sp3rm donor, so no child support payments.
I mean look around, there are lots of households who don’t make 6 figures altogether and they still have kids. It may not be the lifestyle you want, but it’s not completely unattainable. It depends on your priorities. Everything is a trade-off.
Anon
Two parent households that don’t make much money normally have the mother stay home so they don’t have to pay for daycare. Daycare would be at least 30% of OP’s take home pay and I’m in a LCOL area. It can be a lot more in some HCOL.
Also a lot of Americans don’t save for retirement and don’t have emergency funds. The fact that people who can’t afford it have kids doesn’t make it a wise decision.
OP is smart to think about the financial implications of this life altering decisions. I’m not one of those “help me I’m poor; I make $300k” people but the realty is $90k in a HCOL area without a co-parent to stay home and provide childcare is going to be very very tight financially, even for one kid (and most people who have kids have more than one).
Anon
I have a few friends who did it by choice and after watching them there is no way I’d ever sign up for it. The only way to make it work is to be independently wealthy and/or have family willing to provide physical support like babysitting, helping, etc. It’s very popular to tell single women to take this route but I think that’s just buying a completely different problem.
Anon
As a single mom by choice I’d say you’re buying different problems but any life you choose is going to have problems. For me it was 100% worth it, no question. I did uproot my life to move to a lower cost of living place where I have family and recognize not everyone has that option – but it’s also not an unheard of option for people either and I know plenty of no -wealthy women doing it without family support. At a certain point you have to choose what life you want and for some of us the kids are worth the attendant money and logistical struggles. Not to say it’s right for everyone but it’s a real option.
Anon
I was considering this in my late 30s. Out of the blue, my Mother had offered to help me if I decide to have a child on my own. I was very touched, and began to consider it. I have several women friends who became single Mom’s by choice and all in their 40’s. However, they are all doctors, making good income, but still they admitted they were hemorrhaging money and it was crazy hard. None of them had close by family, but they had supportive friends. They all needed full time+ nannies with a lot of back up childcare, because they worked very hard doctor hours and often had to sometimes work weekends/evenings/overnight etc..
Unfortunately, it didn’t work out for me since my Mom died soon after her lovely offer to me of an undiscovered cancer.
AIMS
I’m sorry about your mom. She sounds great.
Anon
I know this might be an unpopular take, but all of my friends and female cousins who treated finding a significant other like finding a job are currently married with kids and the ones who didn’t are single. Idk that any of them actually enjoyed online dating, meet up groups or any of the other things that they did to put themselves out there during this process (many of them are more introverted), but it was successful.
Anon
Same ast Anon at 4:24 PM. The apps suck, but it’s how you meet people.
Anonymous
agree – i treated it like a job and did so many apps, then met my husband at a friend’s birthday party. but the apps prepared me to meet him and recognize good chemistry and a nice, smart guy, so they were worth the trouble. he was also someone i would not have dated through an app (his profession and even his first name would have been a turn off) and honestly he’s not the type who ever would have gone on an app anyway.
maybe take a break from apps but make an effort to talk to one guy a day? in line at the coffee shop, at the red light, whatever. maybe also ask your friends (both married and single) if they want to have a party where everyone invites the single people they know?
Anon
Oh trust me, I’ve asked my friends (and their partners) about single friends. There are very few, and most of the ones that exist are single for a very good reason. There have been a few whom I’ve gone out with and it wasn’t a match. Trust me, that pool got exhausted years ago.
Anon
100% this. It’s a numbers game and you need to treat it like a job search. You wouldn’t only apply to jobs you heard about from friends, you go online and see what’s out there. Same with dating. It’s not likely to just happen if you don’t try. Set up rules for yourself so it’s less of a slog. I wouldn’t go out of my neighborhood for a first date, for example. And remember, it just takes one.
Anon
Yep, this is how it worked for me. Plan activities with your single friends where you get dolled up and agree to take solo pics of each other. Have a male friend look at your profile and provide feedback. Then delete your profile and recreate it- this resets the algorithm (a great tip I learned here!)
Swipe right if they seem to have shared values and a compatible lifestyle. Force yourself not to get hung up on height, amount of hair, etc. Exchange 2-3 messages then ask them out if there are no red flags. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and you really have to meet in person to gauge chemistry and attraction. Aim for at least one weekend date a week plus a weeknight date if your work schedule allows it. Yes it’s exhausting but think of it as a way to wear cute outfits and explore new bars and restaurants. I found DH a couple months after taking it seriously like this.
Been There
I was married in my 30’s and single now. I’m taking a data hiatus after the end of a relationship, but when and if I get back out there I will use online dating again because it helped me meet people I wouldn’t come into contact with through my normal social circles. I’ve been following Jenny Young, an academic who created the Burned Haystack method. This seems to be a good way of keeping your sanity while dating. She has an active instagram account and uses critical discourse analysis on profiles to help women have fewer bad dates. This looks like a solid method I plan to use when I go back out there. Food for thought and you are not alone! Also the latest Mathew Hussey book for this was good as well. Just a couple of resources to think about.
Been There
Not taking a data hiatus and you get the drift. You definitely have a right to your feelings. I also wanted to say that when I was in my early 30’s, I didn’t imagine being where I am right now, divorced and childless. But I am still leading an incredible fulfilling life! Having a partner doesn’t mean you get to bypass human hardships. You trade one set of issues for another. You can morn the life you don’t have and create a life you do love. This article may also give you perspective: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2022-06958-003
Anon
Take this advice as you would from an auntie.
Stop the FWB situationships. You’re not getting what you really want and you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. You want a commitment and a future and you’re not going to find it there.
Date like it’s your job. Be clear that you’re looking for something serious and not a FWB situation. Go on the apps and go on an absolute ton of first dates. Everyone is worth a cup of coffee.
Auntie advice: the handsome playboy is not your future husband. He may be someone your friends don’t think is cute or successful enough. Still go on that first date. You never know. It’s a numbers game.
Anon
Yes, everyone is worth a cup of coffee. However, one thing I struggle with is that I don’t have a ton of time for dating. I could, of course, cancel other things I do that I enjoy doing to free up more time for dating. But, dating has been a years long slog thus far, I need friends and hobbies and things I enjoy that aren’t dating too. I’m not putting the rest of my life on pause to go on endless first dates. I aim for like 2-3 first dates a month, which is all I can manage time-wise without backing out of other things. And frankly, even if I had all the time in the world I don’t enjoy first dates and so I wouldn’t want to do more than that. But, also, five years of online dating later and I’m still single so maybe that’s wrong.
Anon
It depends on how important marraige is to you. If it’s really important, then, no, 2-3 first dates a month isn’t enough.
Anon
Okay noted, I will try to make time for more dates than that. That seems like so many though!
Anon
When I was dating, I did 2-3 a week. You’ll be dating forever if you do that little absent a lot of luck.
Anonymous
agree, i did 2-3 dates a week. general rule was that if i didn’t have plans with a guy by wednesday night i made plans with friends for friday and saturday.
hobbies — if we’re talking about something social with a big group of people you can treat that like a dating pool. if we’re talking about going home to work on your knitting or in your garden that hobby might need to be put on the backburner for a while. the one place you definitely will not meet guys is inside your home.
Anon NYC
I agree when I was single I had at least 1 date every week, sometimes even 5. I ended up meeting my bf on a Sunday and we met for beers at a dive bar. I was also 36 when we met. I went on a ton of horrible dates, had horrible boyfriends and even worse situationships. But I also enjoyed my single life. I traveled alone, met new people, pursued my own interested and did whatever I wanted. Life doesn’t stop just because you’re single and 31 is still pretty young!
Anon
My hobbies are all out of the house, but probably not things to expand my dating pool. Honestly, they do so much for my mental health though I don’t think I’m willing to let them go.
Anon
Agree that we need to enjoy our single lives – personally, I can’t imagine going on 2+ dates a week because I have friends and a social life and hobbies and they take precedent (because I need to enjoy the life I have now, not a life I might have if I maybe meet the right person)
Anon
Plans for a Friday or a Saturday? In my world first and second dates are only weeknight activities, no one wants to waste a weekend on a date that could be a dud!
Anon
Continuing to do what you’re currently doing isn’t going to move the needle. I’d aim for at least 6 first dates a month. That’s what people mean by “date like it’s your job.”
A first date doesn’t have to mean giving up your entire Saturday. You can meet someone at 6:30 on a Tuesday or for lunch on Thursday.
Anon
Do people really do lunch dates? Idk, I’ve never had a job where I can take that long of a lunch without taking PTO
Anon
Truly, who has the time or the inclination to on on more than 1 first date a week? That’s bananas to me!
I understand that I may not being doing enough, but I don’t know how people have time to date that much while holding down a job, working out, socializing, and having hobbies? Also, I definitely don’t get 6 decent matches a month (or I do, but they do not do their part to carry a conversation and it dies out)
Anon
I think everyone is imagining but a date is the whole day thing for a several hour thing. Meeting for a very quick lunch or a cuppa coffee is like 45 minutes to an hour and a half. I would not give a first date more time than that because you need to have a lot of first states.
Anonymous
how long do you think dates should go? a first date should be 45 minutes-90 minutes if it goes really well. you’re looking for immediate chemistry. lunch dates are tricky because you’re in your work clothes and it’s bright out and it’s hard to feel good about a glass of wine or whatever, but they absolutely can be done.
Anon
how long do you think dates should go? a first date should be 45 minutes-90 minutes if it goes really well. you’re looking for immediate chemistry. lunch dates are tricky because you’re in your work clothes and it’s bright out and it’s hard to feel good about a glass of wine or whatever, but they absolutely can be done.
Anon
First dates are a one drink (MAYBE two) activity for me, and even so I don’t want to schedule more than one a week
Anon
People who really want to be married and have kids within marriage.
Anon
Something I’m not seeing written is that in addition to a huge volume of dates, you also need to be positioning yourself as positively as possible. If you’re not getting 10 viable matches a month, I’d take that as a sign that you need to revamp your profile. Take new flattering photos, edit your answers or bio to brand yourself. What do you want to communicate about your personality and interests? Draft out a bunch of ways to communicate that and choose the best one. Get on every serious-dating app (Hinge, Match, eHarmony).
To maximize your success rate on dates, listen to dating podcasts like We Met at Acme where they break down helpful dating rules (don’t text overeagerly, maintain healthy boundaries, etc). Read about developing charisma – ask questions, seem interested and be an active listener, be warm/relaxed/confident. Don’t overshare, don’t self-deprecate.
This last one might be controversial, but identify an areas of improvement in making yourself more of a catch (if there are any). Do you need to gain more confidence or conversational ease? Do you need to invest more in your appearance (haircut and styling, outfits, skin, exercise).
If you want to guarantee getting married by mid-30s, you need to be going on at least 1-2 dates a week. You need to go through a huge volume of people in order to find your person.
Ironically, the more you do it, the less of a slog it is. Each date is lower stakes, and you get used to the process. You can do coffee or walks to keep it short and easy. Keep a positive mindset and treat it like a job. You’ll find someone, you just need to put in the work.
Anon
My first date with one of my match.com connections 20+ years ago was a walk around town on a sunny day. Reader, I married him.
But I still have my Filofax, believe it or not, from that year, and I had a good 4 to 6 dates a week.
Anon
4 to 6 a week? How did you have time for that?
Anon
I made it a priority, and I went on short dates.
Anon
I’m sorry, this is the OP and I am genuinely asking. No flip answer needed.
What did you do for dates? Where did you have them (all nearby or did you have to travel some?) What days of the week did you have them? Did you make time for non-dating socializing or hobbies or other activities or was dating your sole focus? Did you do back to back dates in one day or were you on 4-6 dates a week on 4-6 different days?
Anon
I often met people for a drink after work. Sometimes coffee, occasionally dinner. More rarely lunch, mainly because I was limited to the area around my work. But I was in a really open to anything frame of mind. One guy took me out on his sailboat. I did more than one first date walks.
But mainly I cut off the messaging pretty quickly and wanted to meet in person, because I didn’t want to get involved with someone electronically that I would have no attraction to in person.
And in person made a big difference for me. I was a terrible judge of attraction based on pictures or emails/messages.
Anon
Someone said it above, but a date is not an all evening activity. I would meet someone for a drink and meet up with friends after for dinner. Or go workout or whatever I was into at the time. Sometimes I’d even go on two dates in one evening.
Anon
I’m with you on hating the apps – it feels like so much more work than pre-app dating. In the pre-app world no one was a) going on multiple dates a week on a regular basis or b) meeting up with so many potential duds.
You had to actually meet people to ask them out (or be set up on a blind date by a friend). Friends, friends of friends, people you met through work or a club or something, or people at a bar. But, your pool was limited to people you would come into contact with on your own, which a) limits the pool and b) makes the pool more natural.
Since you either had to date someone you’d already met or someone a friend knew (and thus had vetted), you definitely went out with people who weren’t a match, but a total dud was less likely. Since you meet someone for the first time in real life on a date, I find a lot more guys who are duds. They can hold a short conversation on the app so you think they’re fine, but they’re not.
Anon
Sure, nostalgia for the good old days it’s really gonna help OP
Anon
Honestly, confirmation that this new way of dating sucks and is not natural is nice to hear! Doesn’t fix the weird app world we’ve gotten ourselves into, but it feels so unnatural to me (the OP), its nice to know it is unnatural!
Anon
Yes… the world is much more natural now. You go to a coffee shop and instead of friendly people who might even chat, everyone has on headphones and is starting at their phones.
There is a reason why people have a hard time meeting each other….
Anon
Frankly, I wonder what the long term stats on these app marriages will be. In some ways, its great that you get to meet and date people you’d Never have been exposed to. In other ways, I wonder if the differences that ultimately kept people apart will eventually be too much.
Anon
Yes, how will be spouse and I ever overcome living in different intown neighborhoods after college or having gone to different law schools?
Anon
Dunno but going on a decade plus with my Tinder husband.
Anon
Wow, this thread honestly makes me not want to date. It shouldn’t feel like a job. It shouldn’t be this much work. It should be fun and normal and natural and not this hard!!!
Anon
Shoulda woulda coulda
I also think women can be happy long-term single, and I know plenty of women who are, but that’s not OP.
Anon
But it’s not for most people. You can spend your time lamenting that, or get out there and go on dates.
Anon
Yeah, I (OP) know I’m tired of being single, but this is honestly off-putting to me and is making me reconsider if I want to date. I just don’t see a world in which I’m treating dating like a job and dating 2-3+ times per week a world in which I’m happy. But also, am I happy in a world in which I’m childfree and single? Probably not.
Anon
Then take a break from dating and figure out how to make a happy future without marriage and kids. That’s a totally valid option. People are telling you what worked for them. What you’re doing now might work, but it sounds like it didn’t for most people. Just one more thought, those friendships you are prioritizing now, are likely to change significantly as your friends partner up. That isn’t to discourage you from spending time nurturing them, but it may increase your feelings of “missing out.”
Anon
A lot of it is your mindset. I had a lot of fun dating 2-3 times a week, it took about a year of that to meet my husband but I had a great time in the process. I liked trying new bars and restaurants and meeting people I wouldn’t otherwise and talking about life and not work. It’s all in how you approach it.
Anonymous
Re your mindset – where do you envision this guy fitting into your life? If you want to spend your weekends white water rafting or whatever then that would change my search.
Agree with others that I’d join multiple apps (back in the late 00s I was on 6.) Go to alumni events. If you’re religious get involved with your church. If you’re in a major city there are a lot of cultural groups for under 40s like museums, orchestras, etc. and message / date multiple guys at once! the exclusivity talk exists for a reason.
Don’t look at it as some desperate thing because you’re waiting for kismet. Look at it as lifestyle design.
Like the others below I knew pretty quickly with my husband – it was just so easy and fun to be with him and the chemistry was good. I’d say I went on hundreds of first dates, maybe 25 second dates (probably less?) and dated 3-4 guys more seriously over the course of about 2 years of treating dating like my main hobby. Went for a lot of drinks after I left work at 8:30 or 9, or earlier evening drinks on Saturday before I met up with my friends.
After dating as a hobby there’s wedding planning and child rearing that are pretty time intensive hobbies too, if you want those things in your life. but again, it’s lifestyle design – figure out what you do want in your life.
Anon
One thing I find interesting, is that almost all of my friends are either married to their college BF or single. Very few of my friends are dating guys they met after college. Of the ones who are, most are dating or married to guys they met in person (through friends, at work, previously knew each other then started dating). Only two of my friends (of lets say like 30 people) met their SOs on the apps!
Anon
I met my first husband in college just like everyone else. But I met my husband, the one that stuck, on the apps.
Anon
How old are you? This was true after college but not once I hit my 40s.
Anon
I’m 39 and married and most of my friends met their spouses just before the apps became popular, but none of us are married to guys we met in college. Every single one of my close friends, including me, had a serious college relationship but we all broke up with the college BFs and married guys we met in grad school or in that post-college stage where you easily meet friends of friends. Interestingly (to me), in my diverse friend there were a lot of cross-cultural and interracial college relationships, but literally everyone eventually married someone from the same race/cultural/religious background.
Anon
I don’t know what makes me feel lamer: being single in my 30s, or acting like dating is a job and prioritizing dates over things I’d prefer to be doing.
Anon
Why is it lame to go for what you want?
Anon
For the people who met their partners after going on several dates a week for a while – what made you realize your partner was the one? How long did it take for you to realize this was someone special?
IME, when I go on lots of dates I end up “settling” for someone who is the best of the lot. And then after a few months I come to my sense and break up with him and move on. It’s almost like that many dates either desensitizes me (everyone else was bad, this person isn’t therefore I think I like him more than I really do) or maybe I just get exhausted and I’m like he’s good enough he’ll do. Obviously, I dont’ think that – when I start dating him I’m really into him but then it doesn’t take all that long to realize that was misguided.
Anon
I knew my husband was my person pretty quickly. I didn’t settle. He wasn’t who I imagined I would be with, but my imagination had clearly failed me, so being open really helped me. The thing was, the spark was there, and we both knew it.
Anon
I knew from our first few text messages. I don’t know how. There was just a spark.
Anon
I knew within 10 minutes of meeting my husband. When you know, you know.
NaoNao
He felt like a family member I hadn’t met yet (not in a creepy way!). I didn’t feel butterflies or dazzling chemistry, I felt an “oh, there you are!” feeling of peace, contentment and genuine interest in this person. It didn’t feel like a chore. We had some unusual things in common (we didn’t own a car or a tv) and clicked right away. I *respected* him, which is incredibly rare at least for me. I didn’t feel a desire to fix or help him, I was interested in how his mind worked–again, super, super rare. I recognized how rare he was and immediately when I got back to my desk (met him at work) asked him if he was “up for a coffee sometime” and he said yes :)
NaoNao
I didn’t meet my husband until age 37 and I went through so much heartbreak up until that point. But, I did meet him! He’s a precious jewel but he’s someone I would not have swiped on while on apps, so I think “in person” meeting is the strategy to pursue.
I will say this: My last two serious relationships both ended in engagements (one broken obviously!)–they were friends for almost a year first. It’s my cheat code. It allows me to be my 100% true self and vet them extensively while avoiding getting ahem…”hypnotized” or let’s say rose colored glasses due to chemistry. It’s not for everyone, but I value friendship above anything else (scorching hot chemistry isn’t a huge concern for me, it’s only lead me astray and as I got older, it just wasn’t a data point I really considered).
I also got super, super clear on what I wanted and boiled it down to 4 things that were 100% must-haves:
–He must be intelligent *and*intellectual (book smart)
–He must be evolved–meaning he has healthy emotional outlets and expressions and his default setting is stable/normal yet growing and learning
–He must be emotionally generous–it’s not him against the world and he gives people the benefit of the doubt
–He must be a mix of conventional and unconventional. Mr. Off the Grid VanLife is not for me. But Mr. 6’5″ blue eyes finance isn’t the right match either.
If you can find 4 similar key “pillars” it will make saying no (and yes!) much easier. Drill in on what will really make you happy *long term* and be ultra-specific.
The biggest issue with “friends first” is you risk them dating someone else along the way, but if you manage the energy right, it’s an amazing path to finding a “best friend” husband.
Friend
I’d love some insight here on my friend’s situation. She’s white dating an Indian man. Both are in their 40’s but she is older than him by about 5 years. She’s divorced and pretty serious about him and he seems to be the serious about her with one caveat. They have been dating a couple of years and she has yet to meet his family. He says it’s because he can’t bring someone home unless they are going to get married. His parents immigrated from India; he was born here. She feels really conflicted about this as he’s met her family and I know she wants to get married again. I just basically listen when she talks about this but I don’t have a good feeling about it. She feels like he is stringing her along but also really loves him. Thoughts?
Anon
Hate to say it but it sounds like he doesn’t want to marry her.
Anon
Not your circus!
Anonymous
He is stringing her along. She’s going to be dumped for the culturally appropriate incubator, who he will marry.
Numbersmouse
This is an incredibly racist comment
Anon
A friend of mine (Indian) immigrated here in high school, so her parents / siblings were in the US but the rest of the family was in India. She introduced her (white) boyfriend to her family in America but wouldn’t bring him to India until they were married, citing cultural reasons.
Anon
Setting aside all of the cultural issues, I would absolutely DTMF if I hadn’t met his parents within a year of dating.
Anon NYC
Yea this is insane. She’s in her 40’s and hasn’t met her bf’s family after 5 years? She should have broken up with him after 1 year and she should break up with him asap. He’s not serious about her. I think that’s the obvious bottom here.
Senior Attorney
Agree.
Anonymous
Indian American here – a 40 plus year old Indian man born and raised in the US who has not introduced her to his parents or even siblings after YEARS of dating is a HUGE red flag. Let’s be real, Indians marrying Caucasians is becoming more and more common as the years ago by and the Indian American generation born and raised here met girlfriends and boyfriends in high school, college, workplaces, online dating – the same way white people do. I’m not suggesting that the Indian born parents love it but they aren’t as utterly shocked by it with the crying hysteria that used to happen in 1990 over a child wanting to marry outside the culture. And they’re even LESS shocked when said CHILD is 40 years old. At 22 or 26, they have dreams of – if we’re Punjabi, our Punjabi son will marry a nice Punjabi girl. Once CHILD hits 30 plus and even more so after 40 plus if they aren’t married, there is a realization that cultural ideals won’t happen here, so go along with what they want.
So I think this is a HIM issue more than a parent issue. HE has been dating her for years and isn’t sure he wants to marry her. Could be that he doesn’t really want to marry outside his culture in his heart of hearts but he’s stringing her along in case he doesn’t meet an Indian American. Could be that deep down he has a problem with her being divorced. Heck could be that he’s Chandler Bing and has commitment issues. Only he knows. But yeah he’s stringing her along and using his parents as an excuse.
Anonymous
I’m afraid your friend’s SO is either unserious about her or unwilling to override his parents’ potential objections over a white, divorced, older woman. It’s not going to end well.
Anon
This is bananas. I’m Indian and most of my Indian pals have introduced their partners to family even when they were dating seriously ( not engaged). Indian Americans seem to be more conservative by what I read here. But leave the ethnicity out of it and ask the question again, the answer is that he is just not that into her.
Also can we stop the Indian stereotypes? I wonder how this board would react if I threw up white/black/ Hispanic stereotypes? Oooh that would be racist.
nuqotw
Can anyone offer guidance on what suit colors are okay for a male lawyer in court? Spouse got a suit that is kind of green. At a distance it might be gray but up close it’s definitely green. I tend to think that male lawyers are supposed to stick to very traditional colors but I could easily be wrong about that.
Not in favor of the suit: one kid saw it and said “Keep it Dad! You look great! Like the Wizard of Oz!”
Anon
If he routinely practices in that court, I would defer to his judgment on what is acceptable. (I think I’d defer to his judgment on what is acceptable for the clothing he puts on his own body in general, but especially if he’s very familiar with the court in question).
nuqotw
For the most part yes I agree and I do defer to him about his attire.
I should have said in the original post: he’s colorblind and asked me to help him figure it out. He does regularly practice in several courts but he is not the best judge of what color suits other lawyers are wearing. I can tell it’s green but I am not a lawyer and thus also have no idea what other lawyers are wearing.
I did find a link though!
https://www.menswearhouse.com/p/calvin-klein-slim-fit-peak-lapel-suit-tmw-3yw2#color=green%26
Anon
I am not a lawyer and don’t attend court.
At first glance, this suit looks great for an Easter church service. Unless his style leans ironic with a lot of swagger, that’s the type of event I think this is more apt for.
Anon
The greenish tinge doesn’t bother me but the bigger issue is that it’s a light color. If you are a litigator court suits are dark – navy, dark gray, black. Light gray would be a very unusual choice.
Anonymous
It would not be unusual in ATL state court to wear a lighter color suit, presuming it is well-tailored, well-accessorized, and worn with a little swagger. But this particular color is a bit tough. I agree it has a place, like for church or even a wedding, I quite like it, but court isn’t its perfect use. It is also about to become unseasonal.
Anon
That’s not a court suit. It’s a mediation or casual day at the office, but not appearing for clients.
AIMS
I would defer to the kid. If kid says it’s green, it’s too green. Not for court. Also your husband is color blind, so he can’t be the judge of what flies in that court. The rule of thumb for court is people should remember the lawyer, not the suit.
AIMS
Caveat – just as with other fashion discussions here, this doesn’t really matter. He’s wearing a suit in court, it’s clean, it fits, and that’s all that’s required. But if he’s asking the question- or if you are- I am assuming you’re asking for a “best practice” answer. Safer to stick with traditional gray or navy.
Anon
Best suit I ever saw on a man in court was a sage green linen tweed suit. The lawyer in question is a sharp dresser of the old school variety. I would defer to your husband’s judgment about what will fly in courts that he frequents, but absolutely would encourage him to have it tailored perfectly to his body. The unusual color may draw extra attention, so good tailoring is a must.
Monte
Totally depends on your area, but if he wants to skew safe, he should go darker. The court I practiced in with a dress code specifically said, “Appropriate attire for counsel is conservative business dress in traditional dark colors
(e.g., navy blue or charcoal gray).” But that was federal appellate court in Chicago, so may not be applicable elsewhere. And yes, I saw judges say really unkind things about lawyers’ apparel, so I would not risk it for a client.