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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I'm curious to see what readers think of this, because I've been seeing a lot of tops like this one. The pictured blouse is from H&M, but I've seen them at Nordstrom and elsewhere. I like the the obi wrap and the corset-style belts that were popular a while ago, and to me this doesn't feel too boudoir. It is corset-inspired, so people will have very different opinions on this — definitely know your office. I think for $25 it's a fun look, and I like the dolman sleeves, the opening at the back with the concealed button, and the attached belt. The light beige is only available in lucky sizes, but the black and orange have sizes 2–14 still in stock. The top is 100% cotton and machine washable. Cotton Waist-Cincher Blouse
Two options in plus sizes are here and here.
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- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
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- Boden – 15% off new styles
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- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
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- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Anonymous
I’m not sure this top would be inappropriate for work (more casual setting, obvs), especially because the belt part is the same color as the rest of the shirt. However, I really hate this top. I find dolman sleeves unflattering and the neckline looks weirdly tight. The waist-cincher belt is a little too weird for me to find it cool.
I will say though, that I’m jealous of anyone who can pull off that orange :) I don’t have the confidence or the coloring for it.
Anonymous
I agree about the dolman sleeve unflattering part. They make my shoulders look slopey and hunched.
Last year I would have said you couldn’t get away with this at my office but this year there are a ton of Europeans working in my office this year (in the conservative south) and they have totally upped the fashion ante. Louder colors, interesting cuts, omg there is cologne everywhere.
anon
Love this top, although I agree that it looks kinda cheap and is a poor fit. I think with something this simple it needs to be in a nice fabric. Also I think it would look better if the belt was in a different fabric or texture (like leather) but the same color.
pugsnbourbon
+1. I don’t hate this in theory, but cotton seems like the wrong fabric. It’d wrinkle pretty terribly around the waist.
CX
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/classiques-entier-italian-ponte-knit-sheath-dress/
I just bought this on the annual sale and really hope it flatters. Perfectly classic but a little unusual.
Baconpancakes
Agreed on all counts. I think orange can be a real power color on the right person, and I’m pretty jealous of people who can pull it off.
Anonymous
I like dolman sleeves, personally. Maybe because I have very broad shoulders.
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
This top, with the dolman sleeves and the cinch waist, would make tall slender people look like they needed to eat a sandwich.
I don’t think it is appropriate for work. I do like it though., just not for me.
I like the color a lot. I wear a lot of orange, but I am brown so it works for me.
Manhattanite
I think because the belt doesn’t go all the way around, it could look really off. You couldn’t wear the belt cinched much at all because otherwise the back won’t lie right. I’m guessing this is a dud IRL. I noticed the back isn’t pictured on the website.
Two Piece Dress Shopping?
Vicarious shopping request – does anyone want to dig into two piece dresses for me? I’ve been browsing idly and really loved this one: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/bb-dakota-grace-stripe-two-piece-dress/4636968?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=IVORY
If I could find something similar, maybe without any or all of the following: the ruffle on the top, the tie on the skirt, 3-4 inches of skirt length, that would be awesome. I like the skirt fullness and preppy look of this one.
techgirl
Try searching for co-ords/co-ordinates, which is what I often see these named rather than ‘two piece dress’
Wehaf
https://www.lulus.com/products/accompany-me-blue-chambray-two-piece-dress/306972.html
Lulus has a bunch of two-piece dresses right now but most of them are more boho or clubwear than preppy: https://www.lulus.com/categories/page1-60/2242/two-piece-sets.html
Anon FriendswithEx
I tried on this top and thought it was cheap looking, unfortunately, because I love finding summer tops with sleeves. On a separate note, how have those of you who do remained friends with your exes? I would like to do so with my soon to be ex. We are not married and have a lot in common. We will be living in different places but have many mutual friends. I have stayed friends with a past ex, although friends might be a nonspecific word to describe the relationship – we share a close history, have much in common, and manage to text occasionally, share life information, hang out a couple times a year, and have traveled to places of mutual interest together (separate rooms). Thoughts? How do other people characterize and manage these relationships? All the relationships ended from moving in different directions in life more or less mutually.
Anon
I’m great friends with two ex-boyfriends from college and my ex-husband. The relationships all ended because we liked and respected each other, but it just didn’t work romantically. All three men now have their own families and we stay in touch through a combination of stupid cat memes and professional articles. There was some breathing room post-break-up before moving back to friendship, ranging from a couple months to 5 years. Just give space and reach back out when it seems natural, like when there’s a cat meme you know they’d love ;)
Anonymous
Stupid cat memes and professional articles
SO TRUE!
Thisperson1
I used to be good friends with my ex-husband and his second wife. Started out to show our kids a good example by being as friendly and understanding as possible (while gritting my teeth and biting my tongue), but became a genuine friendship. We did vacations and holidays together, and hung out together frequently. For me, it helped that I was So. Done. with being married/dealing with him that there were no leftover feelings in that regard. Unfortunately, after several years it fell apart due to ex and his wife’s behavior and choices.
Baconpancakes
I’m friends with a number of men I casually dated, but no one I seriously dated. Of the four men I’ve seriously dated, one turned into a dooshnozzle when we broke up, one said he couldn’t ever see me again because it would keep him from moving on, one tried to be friends but got real salty when I started dating my SO, and the fourth is my SO. I’m still marginally in touch with the third guy.
I’d say let it be natural. Drop off contact for a while, to give you both time to really get over it. Then once you feel like you’re really done with the relationship, and have already moved on, reach out casually.
Woods-comma-Elle
I am friends with one ex, who is also good friends with my fiance and will be a groomsman at our wedding. Like Thisperson1 said, it was fine for me because I was totally done with the relationship long before it even ended and there was a cooling off period of a couple of years.
However, I say approach with caution depending on both parties’ motives. It can work, but you both have to be ok with it. I ended up having to take some distance at one point some years ago when it became apparent to me that his motives for the friendship included potentially convincing me to get back together (which I had always made very clear would not happen) and it turned out he still had feelings for me. I have also in the past refused to be friends with an ex because I did not want to break up and him wanting to be friends seemed to be for him about feeling less bad about the breakup (he misled me about something material resulting in the breakup, so motives matter.
Incidentally, when I got together with my FH, ex was not happy about it and acted in a rather immature way for a while but we’re all back to being friends now (and he is in fact married to someone else).
Linda from HR
I’m friends with two of my exes, out of like ten. I’m on good terms with a couple others. The key is to give it time, you can’t immediately carry on talking as friends, you need at least a few months, maybe as many as 6 months or even a few years, until all hurt feelings have completely subsided and you’ve both had good experience with newer partners.
Anon
It can work, but as the other ladies have said: approach with caution and give each other space following the breakup. I’m good friends with two of my exes. In both cases these were long-term relationships (3-5 years) that didn’t work out but we genuinely care about each other and their families. However, I’ve also had a number of exes with whom this situation would never work so YMMV.
One ended because he was accepted to a doctoral program overseas. I was planning to relocate with him, but that became impossible due to the financial crisis which caused the new area’s unemployment rate to soar. For 6 months we had no communication, then started sending emails. Now we have long catch-up conversations several times a year and meet up whenever one of us is in the other’s location.
The other one realized that he didn’t want to get married/have kids for another decade (would be mid-40s) and that didn’t work for me. Again a cooling off period, although we saw each other at mutual friends’ events. Now we see each other pretty often and are close friends who date other people.
Diana Barry
I am not friends with any exes. Some of them just fell off the radar and I don’t know what happened to them but the others (college and law school) it was total scorched earth so I wouldn’t want to be friends with them anyway. ;)
Senior Attorney
I’m friends with my first former husband, who is the father of my son and from whom I’ve been divorced for almost 25 years. He (along with his sister) was at my recent wedding and at my new marital home for Thanksgiving. It’s been a long time coming but at this point we all just feel like family.
I do think it’s important to have a clean break for a while when you first break up. My son is going through this now and the young lady wants to be friends and it has been horribly painful for him. He finally had to ask her to stop communicating for a while even though she initiated the breakup. So yes, cooling off period for sure.
Also: If I never see my most recent former husband again it will be far, far too soon.
Anon
Time is key, I think. For me anyway, I can’t be friends with an ex immediately. It takes a while.
a millenial
i am good friends with my first serious ex (who i thought i would marry and end up with). it didn’t start directly after our break up, because his next gf was opposed and i was indifferent. now, 7 years later, we are in the same city and friends because we were friends before. my current bf is also friendly with him and they chat even without me being there.
i think at the end of the day it is a matter of what works. when i was younger, i had a hard time envisioning being friends with exes. but as i’ve gotten older, it feels like good people and people you click with are harder and harder to find. my ex and i didn’t work out because we were not a good relationship fit, not because someone did something horrendous and unforgivable and i see no reason why that sort of breakup would preclude us from a friendship.
Ellen
FOOEY! It is easier for young Milenials to be freind’s with their exes then I am, b/c Nearly all of kids now just comeing out of school at age 21 have all had sex with multiple partners, and do NOT think s-x is such a big deal the way I was taught it was with Rosa. Young milenials think that p-in-v sex is no big deal, doeing it without even makeing the guy pay for a meal anymore! So just being freindly with an ex is not such a big deal b/c he had s-x with you. If being freindly also means you can still have s-x in the future, after an hour or so, I say FOOEY! I think that my ex, Sheketovits, wants to be more then freinds with me, so I stay away, knowing that if he got a few drinks in me, I would be in bed doeing stuff for him all over again. FOOEY on that!
Anonymous
I read/watch almost no news. A lot of the stories just make me sad, and I get so many emails at work, my head is just spinning most days. My general counsel called me out on it and suggested that I at least read the WSJ to stay on top of business. I also set up a Google alert with my company name to stay on top of work related news. What else should I be following news wise?
KateMiddletown
The Skimm sounds like it would be great for you. It’s easily digestible and a quick am read, plus you get an email every day.
JP
I find The Skimm to be incredibly condescending, like news for women who can’t handle big words. Am I alone in this?
Anon
No, you’re not alone. I cannot STAND The Skimm.
OP, if you open the Apple News app on your phone, the NYT does a morning brief – it’s just a couple sentences about each of the top stories. It’s just a few paragraphs long.
Anonymous
I mean that’s kind of the whole point of The Skimm. The target market is not women who read the Financial Times every day, you know? It may not be for you, but I think it absolutely serves a purpose. If it gets women who would not ordinarily be interested in current events to sign-up and even get a small amount of information, I think it has benefit. It also links to legit sources, so if people want to learn more about the details, they can.
I get the NYT daily briefing and The Skimm, the latter mostly because I find it amusing. Good for me, not for you!
Marshmallow
I canceled the Skimm for that same reason. Could not stand it. I get the NYT daily email instead.
MJ
Nope. Hate the Skimm. It’s tone is “news for people who lack brains because they have v*ginas or something?” HATE IT.
I appreciate The Atlantic’s daily news update, which comes at the end of the day.
I work in law, but transactional, so I love MoneyStuff by Matt Levine from Bloomberg Businessweek. He is an exceptionally gifted financial mind, writes with good snark, but looks at markets and finance from a very unique perspective, having been a Wachtell attorney and worked in structuring at Goldman. He’s brilliant. And the non-sequiturs at the end are some of the best hilarious links on the web.
Eeertmeert
Not alone! The Skimm is the Cosmo of news. It is the reading version of nails on chalkboard. Getting irritated just thinking of it, and i have not read a Skimm email for a couple years.
Ymmv, of course.
Marilla
I think Buzzfeed has a morning briefing thing that may be also easily packaged but slightly less flighty.
Anonymous
NPR has the podcast Up First, which is about 10 minutes long and is ready by 6am Eastern every day.
Anonymous
I love Up First. Just long enough for my shower.
ANP
YES. Love Up First!
LondonLeisureYear
Maybe listening to NPR’s up first every morning? Its just 10 minutes!
http://www.npr.org/about-npr/522211062/up-first-the-essential-morning-news-podcast-from-npr
Anon
+1
I have it on in the shower/bathroom while I’m getting ready.
Anonymous
Good idea because you’ll hear names and places out loud and won’t be caught in a gaffe in work conversation.
Baconpancakes
This is an excellent point. Apparently I’d been pronouncing Oaxaca wrong for months before someone corrected me.
Anonymous
Still can’t say that!
Marshmallow
Now I’m worried too! Oh-AH-ca? But I’ve also heard people kind of slur the first two syllables together, like WAH-ca.
Anonymous
wha-HA-ca?
Senior Attorney
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUeCRooeuH4
Anonymous
YES — I am a daily WSJ reader and listed to NPR while getting ready.
As a kid I didn’t know how to say “Iowa” b/c I had only read it.
Anon
I pronounced quinoa to rhyme with Winona for years and even when I heard the word “keen-wah” I didn’t associate it with the written word quinoa, I thought it was something different.
Anonymous
I like the NY Times The Daily, as well.
Saguaro
+1
Gives me just enough info that I am aware of the topic and can have a (not in depth) convo about it if it comes up, like before a meeting when people are waiting for it to start and everyone is chatting.
Anon
Why not try a weekly magazine or something? That might be less overwhelming. I have relatives who love The Week. When I used to debate in college, everyone read The Economist and considered it the best source to know a lot about a lot.
ER
I skim the WSJ every day for the daily headlines, but I find The Economist to be a better source for in depth financial reporting. I also prefer it to the NYT.
Anonymous
I have a list of news podcasts to listen to on my commute. Then again, my commute is 45 mins- 1 hr each way so that’s a lot of time to listen. I really like The Daily from New York Times (20 mins/day) because they do in-depth reporting along with a daily brief. I also listen to Pod Save America and Pod Save the World, but they’re probably more partisan than what you’re looking for.
Anon
You really should put aside the fact that it makes you sad, and pay attention. Read the paper, follow the news. You cannot be effective in your job if you are uninformed and you are setting yourself up for career suicide.
Anonymous
Totally disagree with this. The news can be completely depressing, and a lot of it is unnecessary (I am very said about the child that drowned along with her mother trying to save her– but do I really have to know about it? I can’t be sad all the time!!). You don’t have to pay attention to all of it. You can still be effective in your job and are certainly not committing career suicide. There are good suggestions here for how to get little nuggets of news, how to stay up on your industry, and how to otherwise avoid the super depressing constant inundation of “news.”
Senior Attorney
Yeah, I am a news fiend (WSJ, Washington Post, NYT, LA Times and more every day) but I don’t do TV news because of the “if it bleeds, it leads” mentality. And all the shouting.
Anon
My (comfortable, decently educated, solidly middle class) family includes many Trump supporters, and I ask them to look around their local town and the people they know personally and tell me if the country is really going to he11 in a handbasket…or if it’s simply the fact that awful “news” about murder, destruction, and mayhem is pumped into their living room constantly. The ’50s seemed so idyllic because you didn’t have technology telling you about every bad thing that happened nationwide. It all still happened – the ’50s weren’t actually idyllic – it just wasn’t pumped into your living room minute-by-minute.
All that to say, it’s possible to turn off the “news” and still be informed about the business world. Google news on the desktop does a good job of sorting articles by topic.
cranky seniorish atty
If your GC tells you that you *should* read the WSJ, start reading the WSJ.
There’s a bigger picture in the business world and you’re being told gently that you don’t know enough about it. You need to read more. Not the local news (unless it is economic — plant closings or new airport or the like). WSJ has had stories in it that make me weep, but most of it is just business-related news.
Your company is your sole client. Pls listen to it.
FWIW, I tell my junior attys that they must read things like the WSJ b/c otherwise I will be hesitant to trust that they will really understand our clients and will stay dumb stuff in front of them. I also expect them to be up on the news generally. It makes them IMO better citizens and lawyers.
anon
This. It’s not likely that your GC’s primary concern is whether you’re informed about what’s going on in Syria or have an opinion on whether the Federal Reserve should raise the interest rate (well, maybe-depends on your industry). The problem is that you represent a client– your company— in an industry that you don’t know enough about. This puts you at risk of saying something incorrect or looking uninformed. The bigger, long-term problem is that you cannot effectively represent or advise clients if you do not understand their industry and don’t know what’s happening that could affect them. You will be hamstrung in your ability to give counsel, and because you don’t have a deep knowledge of how they do business/what their concerns are, and you won’t be able to stay ahead of the curve or offer creative solutions. You’ll always be, at best, reactive.
I say this as a lawyer who works represents a variety of clients (think infrastructure development, transportation, manufacturing, energy generation) who are heavily regulated. You can’t truly succeed in representing these clients unless you understand what they do.
Senior Attorney
This is true.
Anon
If you subscribe to the New York Times ($7 a month) they send morning briefings M-F and one weekend briefing Sunday morning. They have a short summary of the top new stories, as well as some lifestyle pieces, with links to longer articles if you want to read more in depth on anything. I can typically review the entire thing in 10 minutes in the morning. It’s easy to skip over anything you find too upsetting.
Anonymous
I swapped to this article from the Skimm and am so glad I did! I also like Broadsheet, although it won’t cover everything top line.
anonish
I get all three…the Skimm, Broadsheet and NYTimes Briefings. I find NYT the most informative across the board, Broadsheet best for women’s business/industry news and Skimm for rando/celeb/pop culture news. I skim the Skimm’s write-ups on serious stuff as it’s covered much better by the NYT and the Broadsheet.
mascot
I also like the Quartz daily briefing. It skews slightly left of center, but links to original/longer sources.
Anon
+1 I think the Skimm is terrible, so I switched to the Quartz daily briefing which gives clear concise news (and also interesting developments in AI and technology) without any of the girly condescension.
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
I take a look at Google news in the morning. It compiles top news items from different sources so I can pick what source I read from.
Agree about the Skimm. BLAH.
KateMiddletown
do you give clients your cell? I have a non local area code- should I switch my number to s local one? My work doesn’t pay so it’s my own preference.
Anon
I don’t know anyone whose cell is a local number anymore. Everyone moves around so much. And it’s not like long distance is expensive like it used to be. I could only see switching the number if you’re in a small, rural area where people might still have landlines and want to be able to dial you directly.
Anonymous
+1 I have had the same cell phone number since 1998 and I haven’t lived in that state since 2002.
I would not give customers/clients my personal cell phone number, but I have a work phone and it’s not expected that I work on nights or weekends so YMMV.
Anonymous
+ another one. No one has local numbers. But may depend on your client base. All my clients have national phone plans or use an online phone system (no long distance charges). If your clients are more old school, switch to a local # to service them. I give clients my cell phone number because it’s more convenient for me. I don’t find they abuse it but I work in house where there is generally an silent pact not to call each other unless there is a real emergency.
Ms B
I find that clients do not respect boundaries unless they are clear and firmly established, so except for a very few long time trusted clients and outside colleagues, no. They all have my direct work extension and can leave voicemails 24/7, my voicemails can be played from my e-mail, and my phone has my work e-mail on it. I also manage this up front by making sure that clients have all of my work contact information, telling them how I manage contact outside of office hours, and letting them know that I return calls within 24 business hours absent emergencies. I also tell people that I am going to be working with regularly that I normally go off-line M-F from about 6 pm until 9 om, but am back on-line after that.
Now, all my coworkers have my cell, but we usually e-mail each other unless something is truly urgent.
New Tampanian
Are you able to forward calls to your cell from your office line? That’s what I do. Granted, I work in-house, but any call that goes to my work line, goes to my cell without anyone needing to have my cell #. Check with your IT to see if they can set that up.
Aunt Jamesina
My philosophy is if work isn’t paying, then I’m not giving out my number. Relish the opportunity to leave work at work!
Anonymous
I think it totally depends on your line of work and how on-call you are. My cell isn’t on my email signature. I give it out to my clients pretty easily, but pretty much nobody has ever called me after work hours unless there was an email saying, feel free to call me at [cell] to discuss. I’m in biglaw. I feel a little self conscious about having a cell number from the middle of nowhere, but not enough to change it to my city’s area code.
Anonymous BigLaw Associate
I do as needed to coordinate on meetings when I am OOO. It is not to be used in lieu of calling my office number. I’ve never had to clarify this with a client-they seem to get it without me explaining.
I don’t think anyone cares about your area code.
CPA Consultant
Not in law, but in consulting with many different clients. I travel constantly so all of my clients have my cell phone number. My work life-personal life is kind of fluid though, so it doesn’t bother me to get client calls or txts at night or on the weekend. If i’m busy with kids, etc. I just don’t answer and they understand. If you are concerned about local area code, or just want some segregation, you can get a google voice number and have that sent to your cell phone. My husband does this and it works well for him.
Networking and hiring question
We are creating a new position in my office, and I am wondering how to handle the requests to meet with me and discuss the position. I work in higher education administration at a well-known school. The position isn’t posted yet, and already I’ve received a request for this kind of conversation. Isn’t that what the letter and interviews are for? I could see talking about where I see my program going and how the position fits into that. But the idea of being lobbied in person about someone’s suitability makes me uncomfortable. Any insights into how this works would be welcome.
Anon
Ask a Manager had a similar post a few weeks ago (link to follow) and had a good line for telling someone you’ll address questions in the actual interview. Personally, I would tell everyone to hold their questions until the job is posted. At that time, I would agree to answer quick questions by email (who has time to meet in person???) and address their experiences in their application materials, and save everything else to discuss in interviews.
Anon
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/07/my-boss-forced-my-coworker-to-apologize-i-got-rejected-three-minutes-after-applying-for-a-job-and-more.html (question 4).
Networking and hiring question
Thank you!
CHS
Just a note to say that not always is what the letter and interview are for – I work in higher ed as well, and a lot happens in the unofficial pre-meetings that you describe, especially when there’s potential for internal moves. A decent percentage of our hires don’t go through the traditional applicant review and interview process. If you have a role in the hiring process and think the person might be a good fit, I wouldn’t necessarily turn down the meeting/call/inquiry.
Anon
Venting: Nothing worst than offering to host a dinner, planning it all and having tons of guests cancel at the last minute. I hate putting up the effort to grocery shop and cook to just have last minutes “oops! Can’t make it!” roll in. I actually love to cook and host, but this morning so many people have canceled!!! Grumpf.
Cb
Oh no! That’s really rude. I can’t imagining cancelling on a dinner party unless there was an actual emergency.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, I feel like an invitation to dinner at someone’s home is a sacred obligation.
Lilly
I agree. Once accepted, your excuses are pretty much limited to death in the family, hospitalization of self or close family, or “I have come down with a communicable illness and you don’t want me at your house. “
Friend issue
That is really rude. I think it’s partially because of the ease of contact nowadays – I have seen a lot of people treat plans as optional or show up an hour later and then say “but I texted you!” Um, that doesn’t change the fact that we had a plan.
LondonLeisureYear
I, for sure feel like its increased recently and am so frustrated with the trend. With phones people actually had to talk to you and own up to canceling. A text you don’t have to interact with the person at all. OP – how old are your friends? Do they cook? Do they realize how much work you put in?
Anon
I have an older friend (mid-60s) with a very active social life full of meaningful plans (dinners, sailing dates, dance classes – stuff that is more structured than a casual coffee date). She is very tech-savvy but doesn’t text much, especially not on the weekends, and I wonder if it is a factor in her friends always showing up when they say they are going to. Or maybe it’s just a generational thing?
Anon
She is at a different time of life. Many of her friends do not have young kids at home, balancing busy jobs, problematic houses to care for. Social activities become more important.
Can’t compare, really.
Anon
They might not have young kids, but all of her friends are still employed (with the exception of a few who are a lot older) and have problematic houses (she lives in an old New England town with beautiful Revolutionary War era homes). She also travels a lot for her own work, but I get the impression that she makes plans she wants to keep and that her friends do the same. Maybe they just avoid making plans they know aren’t as enjoyable.
Anonymous
It’s still rude to cancel late if you have a busy life, no matter what the cause. Kids, etc. I’m not saying it can always be avoided, but still. . . rude. Get a babysitter if you need to.
Anon
Of course it is rude. Of course some people are awful and you shouldn’t be friends with them.
Just explaining why (financially stable) folks in their 60’s and beyond are better about social commitments.
They know themselves, they know their friends, they often have fewer life commitments, their jobs are often less intense and they are good at them or would have retired. They are mature and know what matters. You just can’t compare with kids in their 20’s and even 30’s who have very different lives.
I also have friends who are older/retirees. You just cannot compare.
Senior Attorney
Ahem. Since when are grown adults in their 20s and 30s “kids?” For Pete’s sake if you’re old enough to have kids you’re old enough to show up at a dinner party when you say you will.
And you (20s and 30s) kids? Get off my lawn!
S
Instead of juggling childre obligations, the folks in that age group are often juggling elder care issues. I’m so tired of “I have kids” being an excuse for anything and everything under the sun. Guess what? As you enter adult hood, there’s always something. For seniors it will likely be health or transportation holding back.
Anonymous
Relax, and get a grip Senior Attorney. You can really grate…
Ses
She’s being playful… Senior Attorney, please disregard that comment. You’re being a charming grump about the kids. ;)
Linda from HR
And Facebook making it so easy to see what’s going on, see who’s going to what, bookmark a bunch of things, and then decide day-of which you prefer to go to, if you feel like going out at all.
Don’t get me wrong, Facebook is a great tool, but the way people use it . . . SMH.
Anon
I LOVE to entertain, and that happened to me all.the.time in my 20s. Now that I’m in my mid-30s, I’ve learned a few tricks:
1) If you’re going to host an actual dinner party with a sit down meal, make it only for a few close friends who you know will come – it reduces stress, the budget, and the odds that people will cancel.
2) If you want to have a big party, invite everybody you know, and then when people flake, it doesn’t kill the party. Alternatively, if everyone shows, you look like the hostess with the mostest. Reserve this tactic for easy-to-cook-in-bulk things like giant pots of chili in the winter or hot dogs in the summer so that you’re not panicking about fussy appetizers for 45 people.
3) The most important thing is to a pick a time that works for everyone. I actually do most of my entertaining these days on Sunday afternoons/evenings. People aren’t tired from work like they are on Friday night, there are no kids conflicts like there are on Saturdays, and everyone has a nice distraction from the looming Monday. Bonus: it gives me all weekend to prep instead of killing myself during the week.
Marilla
Yes to these tips. We have a few particularly flaky friends and I’ve learned to make very flexible plans with them – they get invited to dinners with lots of other people, or they get invited to come over and play anytime after our daughter/their kid finish afternoon naps. That way we’re home anyway and it’s relaxed if they show up late or not at all. Sunday afternoons and dinners are great.
anon
This is great advice.
I’ve entertained a lot since my early 20s and what I’ve taken away from the past 10 years of being a hostess is to not get too emotionally invested in any one party. At this point, I buy food I’d love to have as leftovers, have some items that are just dump and go (like chips and salsa), and don’t spend so much money or time that I would be enraged if no one showed up.
I also think it’s good to have frequent parties with lots of people invited. I think that part of the problem with flaking is that people are nervous about socializing. When I was having regular (every 2-3 months) c*ckta*l parties, more people came because they knew they’d have a good time and could more clearly remember the last party they’d been to and could talk themselves out of nervousness.
Baconpancakes
Yep. All these tips are great. The more often you host, the more often people will come.
I find you’ll get fewer cancellations if you invite 2-3 people instead of 5-6, as well. People feel like they were invited specifically (which they were) and they have plans with you, and they don’t feel like they’re just part of a crowd, making them feel more pressure to not flake.
Anon
I think you are spot on. While it’s great that as a society we are now more focused on self-care and speaking up when we are uncomfortable, it has also become more acceptable to put ourselves first and back out of anything that doesn’t bring us joy in that moment. What sounds great today might not sound great 2 weeks from now. In the past, we sucked it up and went as an obligation to our friends. Now it’s almost expected to say never mind in that situation.
Case
My flipside of #3 (which works for me, may not work for all) is to pick a date and time that works for at least one other person and then invite others to join *at that date/time.* In my case, it’s family entertaining, so really having just one other family is fine, as is having 3 other families, so we don’t get into the paralysis of picking a date and finding that the earliest all X number of families can do it is 4 mos from now. :)
Senior Attorney
Yes, all great tips. Also, I learned from my husband that doing parties on short notice is fun and easy and gives people less time to flake. Like, call people on Thursday and invite them for Saturday or Sunday. You may have to ask more people but the people who say yes will be less likely to cancel.
Baconpancakes
And yes, it is super annoying! Even if I love pulled pork, there’s only so much of it I can eat as leftovers when it was supposed to feed 10 people.
Also just thought 0f this – if you throw dinner parties as part of a special occasion instead of just because, people are less likely to cancel as well.
Anonymous
+1 to “if you throw dinner parties as part of a special occasion instead of just because, people are less likely to cancel”
Keep in mind that this often works well even if the special occasion isn’t something standard, like a birthday or anniversary. A friend recently had a party celebrating a year of living in a new city, and people were really into it!
Thisperson1
Just curious, on the flip side of this… I have some minor but annoying health issues (IBS, etc.) that can mean last minute changes to plans, much more frequently than I’d like. While close friends know more details, what is the polite thing to do when invited to a party/dinner/outing without going into gory details on why I may not be able to make it in advance, or why I can’t make it last minute?
Anon
If you can’t commit, it is better to just decline initially than to have to deal with making your excuses later. Just say yes to things you will be able to follow through with.
lawsuited
I think this approach can lead to people with health issues becoming isolated, which is a more undesirable outcome than wasted food at a dinner party IMO. I’d give the host a vague explanation before accepting the invitation to gauge their reaction for willingness/ability to adapt if you are suddenly unable to make it, like “I’m so grateful for the invitation! I have a minor medical condition that sometimes means I have to cancel dinner plans on short notice. If that would be okay with you, I’d love to come! If not, I absolutely understand that too.”
Marilla
I have a friend with similar health issues. It doesn’t bother me when she cancels, except for the fact that she always feels such guilt over cancelling that we then have to spend half an hour texting over how bad she feels/me telling her not to feel bad. So don’t do that! Just be apologetic but matter of fact. And when you accept, you can always do so a little tentatively – “sounds great, I would love to join. Sometimes I have chronic health flare-ups that mean I can’t go out as much as I would like – I will let you know for sure day of.”
Anon
I’m the anon above who wrote out the three tips. I don’t mind, “I’m so sorry, I’m not feeling well.” You don’t need to tell me more than that.
Blonde Lawyer
Person with Crohns here. Here’s what I did when I was sick frequently. The first time I have to cancel I just say “I’m sick.” No one wants a sick person at their dinner party. You get one free pass. If it happens again, I give more info. Usually if someone knows me fairly well, they know I have Crohns. If they don’t, I say something like “sorry to do this twice but I have a medical condition that has just been acting up at the worst times.” I also try to reschedule with something I’m more apt to be able to do so the person knows I’m not just avoiding them. Or I invite them to last minute drinks knowing they will probably have to say know but will at least know I tried.
Dahlia
Yeah, I agree. This isn’t really the same thing but during my fellowship i spent an entire year on call (24/7 for 365 days.. always remaining within a 30 minute response time of the hospital. Yeah, it wasn’t fun). I used to tell people “there is a small chance.. like maybe 5%.. that I will get called in to the hospital and won’t be able to come or will have to leave partway through dinner. Would that be ok or would it be better if we just did something more casual together another day? I would be really happy to see you either way so let me know what is best for you” and let them decide.
I’m not sure people always believed me about my call schedule, but they were understanding about that and most of them said “come anyway!”
Anon
There are dinner party friends and there are lunch date friends and there are happy hour friends.
If you have friends who can’t commit to a dinner at your house it doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends with them. It means you have to get together with them in other ways.
In my world, last-minute cancellers get rolled off the dinner party invite list.
In fact, I’ve been rolled off an invite list for similar (not cancelling but never saying yes in the first place) and it’s for the best, because this was a group I didn’t particularly want to hang with, other than the hostess. She’s a happy hour friend how.
Liquid Crystal
Yes to this! Unfortunately I had a Dinner friend who got downgraded to lunch date friend. Then when she still couldn’t show up on time, she got downgraded to coffee date friend. Unfortunately that isn’t working either, even though she insists she wants to get together (usually when she ambushes me in front of a group, she doesn’t return emails or texts). Is there anything left? She is great to be around, but I have had enough with her unreliability.
Another anon
She’s a social media friend.
Manhattanite
Years ago my husband lost friends over this issue. We had just started dating, a couple he was friends with from b-school (both had been classmates of his) invited us over for dinner during the week. He cancelled bc of work at the last minute. I think the woman wrangled my number out of him and called me at work to say I was still invited. I didn’t really know them, was caught unawares and am shy by nature. I flubbed it and declined, figuring that she was just being polite — who invites over their friend’s new gf for dinner??? Anyway, the couple never spoke to him again. And I don’t think he realized that she had probably put a lot of work into the dinner. I also think that he was too casual in accepting the dinner invitation bc he was working super hard for a start-up at the time and should have known he was more likely than not going to have to cancel.
Friend issue
So I have this friend who seems to be constantly trying to one-up me or something over text. We live a few states apart but text daily, and it has usually been a fun way to connect, but recently, whenever I’ve texted an update from my day, she has completely ignored it and responded with something more important of her own. To give an example, I’ll text something like “wow, I accidentally broke my favorite coffee mug, bad start to the day!” and she’ll respond “My boss just yelled at me in front of everyone.” If this only happened occasionally, it would be nbd, especially when I’m just sharing something silly, but it has been happening nearly every time. It’s like she’s trying to prove that no matter what is going on with me, she has something more significant happening. Either that or she just simply doesn’t care what I have to say. I feel awkward saying something because it seems excessive to complain about each incident in isolation (“how come you don’t care about my coffee mug?!!), but over time, this pattern is getting annoying. Any thoughts on whether this is worth speaking up about?
Anon
I would read this completely differently if she was one-upping you about positive stuff (e.g., you tell her you got a great performance review, she tells you she got a huge raise). Is it possible she’s genuinely struggling at the moment? I’d probably text her and acknowledge it sounds like she’s had a rough few weeks, and see if she’d like to have a call to vent and talk about what’s going on.
Friend issue
Oh yeah, she has been having a rough time, but literally 95% of our conversations are about her challenges and problems. I’m happy to be there for a friend in need, but it also stings to say something about my life and get absolutely no acknowledgment in response (especially when I’m having a more serious problem than coffee mugs).
Friend issue
And to add, this has happened off and on over the years, and it’s *usually* seemed to resolve itself after a long time, but I feel like it might be time to be more direct. Just not sure how.
Anonymous
You know she is having a rough time and it seems like she only is like this when she is struggle, so if you are invested in this friendship, why not be supportive and let it go and ask her about what’s going on? If she’s otherwise in a bad place, calling her out on this is probably only going to cause her to get defensive and pull back. Personally, I probably wouldn’t address it at all because I don’t want my friends to feel like they have to care about something inconsequential in my life when they are having major struggles.
I know we all want our friends to be invested in our problems, but sometimes they have more serious things going on and not everyone has the emotional capacity to deal with both things at the same time.
Anonymous
To add, if the friendship isn’t working for you, you don’t have to participate in it anymore.
Friend issue
Yeah, I get that. This friend tends to be somewhat self-absorbed even in good times, but not to an extreme level that would make it hard to have a two-way friendship. I just find it hard sometimes because I feel like I go the extra mile to be a good friend to her, even if I’m feeling bad about stuff in my own life – but she definitely will not do the same for me. I think I might have seen something somewhere (maybe Captain Awkward?) about friends who expect you to be their therapists, but then cut and run whenever you have your own problem to discuss. Even if she’s having a hard time right now, shouldn’t it be a two-way street the rest of the time?
And I’m actively trying to cultivate other friendships – it’s just surprisingly hard to make a good, deep connection with a new friend as an adult, or at least it is for me.
Anonymous
Yes, of course it should be a two-way street the rest of the time, I agree with you there. But not all people are interested in that in a friendship. Some people are selfish and self-absorbed and you get to choose to not be friends with those people if you feel like it’s not benefiting you. Honestly, I would rather not have any friendships than have friendships that are emotionally draining and don’t bring any benefit to my life. I am a person who is totally content to do things on my own all the time though, so that may not work for you. I also get that it’s hard to make deep friendships as an adult, but it can be done. I didn’t meet my bff until we were in our early 30s.
If you want to address it, I would wait until this thing that she has going on blows over, but I am skeptical that it will get you the result that you want or that anything will change. Good luck!
Anon
+1
She may not be the kind of friend to provide you want you want. If she is so close a friend you text daily, you probably know this by now. It’s up to you if you can accept her for how she is.
I also think text is a really poor form of communication about emotionally ladened issues.
But…… If she is going through a hard time, she probably isn’t the right person to complain to about your coffee mug. It can read as tone deaf.
After dealing with some horrible life events in my life, so bad that several friends have cut off contact because they “don’t know what to say”, I must admit that it is particularly grating when one of them complains about their coffee mug.
Friend issue
I probably should have used a better example – this happens for coffee mug complaints as well as more significant, serious problems (about a current medical problem, for one). I completely agree that I would not be at all angry if I happened to text about a coffee mug when she is in the middle of a real crisis and she didn’t respond.
Anon at 9:41, thank you for your thoughtful comments. I too feel comfortable being alone a lot and I really value it. You’re making me question (in a good way) whether I can work on handling my own problems myself instead of relying on a friend who can’t be helpful at this time.
Anonymous
It appears we have two Anon’s at 9:41 a.m.!!
I am the first one :) I would not recommend you try to deal with all of your own problems on your own (ask me how I know), but I do sympathize that it’s hard to find good friends. I could go through the litany of suggestions that are always provided when people want to make new friends as an adult, but I am sure you have seen them before if you are a regular reader.
I met my now bff at a terrible job I worked in my early 30s, so we bonded over that and became really good friends. Do you have any coworkers that you are friendly with who seem like good people? It sounds like you may be in an area where you did not grow up or go to school. Same here. I cultivated friendships by participating in social sports (not for everyone) and my hobbies, but it absolutely took some time. I am more than happy to be a sounding board for you off-line if you are interested. I have a good friend who I met on this site, so you never know what can happen!
Blonde Lawyer
Are you sure it’s not a misery loves company kind of thing? I have a friend where we text each other the annoying crap that happens each day. It’s not one upping, it’s commiserating.
Skirt Recommendation
I’m adding a frugal skirt recommendation. I originally tried on the striped version in the store, but they didn’t have my size. I ended up ordering the navy flowered version on line and love it. I’ve worn it twice, once with a mustard tank and a cream cardigan and once with a deep purple v neck t.
https://www.target.com/p/women-s-pleat-back-pencil-skirt-who-what-wear-153/-/A-52157745#lnk=sametab&preselect=52025605
I’m thinking about ordering the yellow grey flowered version as well.
CountC
Thank you! I bought a pleated one from Target recently that I want to love, but can’t figure out how to style or how to wash and dewrinkle without ruining the pleats. I may exchange it for one of these.
Scuba fabric
Are scuba dresses hot and sweaty? Neoprene sounds like a terrible texture to wear in a 75 degree office, but on the other hand, I’ve found some that look really cute.
I live in the middle of nowhere, so I don’t have the option to go try things on in person. Internet shopping only for me :(.
Rainbow Hair
The ones I have are much thinner than you’d imagine a real wetsuit to be. More like… hmm more like a ponte? Certainly not light and airy like linen, but not heavy. And also, because they’re not tight, and sort of stand on their own, they aren’t awful to wear in the heat because they don’t cling.
Anonymous
It might just be me, but I think they’re pretty breathable. I wear them a decent amount in DC in the summer because they don’t show underarm sweat marks like a lot of other fabrics.
Anonymous
Thanks
Anon
Recs for vegetarian entrees for this time of year? I’m having a couple girlfriends over for dinner, and my vegetarian go-tos are veggie lasagna and veggie soup, neither of which work when it’s 100 outside.
CountC
Veggie tacos? I use mushrooms, onions, and potatoes as the filler, but otherwise prep exactly as you would meat tacos. You could also grill corn if you have access or make a cold corn salad to go along with it.
Scuba fabric
Adding to that, a can of black beans, rinsed off with a few green onions and some citris juice.
Anon
Try a caprese pasta salad – pasta noodles, mozzarella, fresh basil, heirloom cherry tomatoes, balsamic, and olive oil. Super simple, summery, pretty.
AnonLondon
-Israeli cous cous salads w/ roasted tofu and veg and a cool peanut sauce or just olive oil/salt
-burrito bowls w/ green rice, spicy roasted sweet potatoes, avocado and spicy black beans w/ fresh salsa
-lighter soups?
-roast some pecans and toss them with goat cheese or blue cheese, sliced pears or apples and spinach/greens in a nice vinaigrette
Marilla
A nice hefty salad (greens with fruit or roasted veggies) – or a quinoa or pasta salad – and something eggy, like a frittata or quiche. We have guests for lunch tomorrow and I’m contemplating a puff pastry veggie tart but haven’t really settled on specifics yet. For vegetarian meals I like to do an assortment of dishes and not so much one central showstopper dish.
And gazpacho for soup! Would be perfect for a warm summer evening with girlfriends.
BankrAtty
Vegetable kebaps with rice pilaf and watermelon salad
Stuffed peppers
An assortment of meze (hummus, marinated vegetables, falafel, grain salad, olives)
Gazpacho with bread and cheese
Panzanella or Lebanese bread salad with grilled eggplant/zucchini + gremolata
Home made pizza
Anonymous
Veggie burgers with vegetable kabobs (if you are grilling)?
Veggie taco salad (build-your-own and I usually use beans but you could use meat substitute as well) with all the fixings?
Anonymous
Veggie tacos or quesadillas, I love Mexican in the summer.
SwissMiss
Caprese salad alongside pasta salad with pesto, falafel wraps with homemade tzaziki + baba ganouj and veggies. I also like veggie tacos in the summer per the other recs.
emeralds
Cosign many of the recommendations above, and will add ratatouille served over polenta or couscous! I do Anne Burrell’s recipe for occasions (add white wine because duh), and throw a bunch of seasonal sh*t in the oven with a can of crushed tomatoes + spices (usually either rosemary or oregano/basil) for weeknights.
Sassyfras
We had veg friends over for dinner last night and made a goat cheese and tomato pie from the Wry Toast website, it will come up if you google it. It was amazing!
CountC
Oh gosh, that sounds amazing! Off to Google, I go.
Rainbow Hair
I make a lentil quinoa “salad” — with diced tomatoes, maybe some parsley, and a lemon/olive oil/spices “dressing” sauce thing. It’s great right out of the fridge.
Anon in NYC
Orzo salad – orzo liberally doused in olive oil, salt & pepper + chickpeas, tomatoes, olives, feta, and scallions. You can change this up any way you want, it can be made in advance, and it’s good cold or warm. I’d do a veggie side too (maybe broccoli, steamed or roasted).
Another fave, is tacos with roasted veggies (although it’s hot with the oven on). I do a mix of zucchini, mushrooms, peppers, and onion, all tossed with taco seasoning and roasted. Serve with avocado/guac, salsa, sour cream, cheese, etc.
SwissMiss
If you had a free day in Dallas in mid-August, what would you do? I’ll have an open day during a conference and nothing I’ve googled is jumping out at me as a “must see”– any recs? Oh, and I’m from the SEUS so not a stranger to heat and humidity.
Anon
I’m not a Republican, but the George W. Bush Presidential Library is genuinely worth the visit if you’re a history buff. It was nice to remember a more civilized era of politics and to see his achievements not related to 9/11.
Anonymous
Seconded! I’m not a W fan, but I really enjoyed my visit there recently. It was especially thought provoking in the context of the current political climate.
Anonymous
The library has a really nice gallery of art that Bush painted of wounded warriors — even if you aren’t into history, it’s a great place to visit.
Dallasite
+1 to the Bush Library.
The Perot Science Museum, the Sixth Floor Museum, the Dallas Museum of Art, and the Nasher Sculpture Garden are all interesting and a good way to spend a few hours in a museum, if that’s your thing. If you like the theater, check out what may be at the Winspear or the Wyly theaters. And if you want restaurant/bar ideas, I’ll help you out!
SwissMiss
Yes! I’d love to hear a few of your bar/restaurant ideas, too. Whenever I hit a new city, I try to visit a few stand outs that locals recommend. I’ll be staying a block from the Dallas Museum of Art if that helps hone in on any of your favorites nearby.
Dallasite
Nice! That’s a great location.
– My absolute favorite restaurants right now are Sprezza and Top Knot. You should be able to sit at the bar at Sprezza, if you’ll be just one. Otherwise, recommend a reservation. At Top Knot, sit at the bar and try one of everything.
– Happiest Hour – Best views (3d floor views of downtown) & people-watching, good drinks, okay food.
– You’ll probably be near-ish to One Arts Plaza. I think the only place worth going to there is Proof & Pantry, which is quite good.
– Meso Maya for great Mexican (not Tex-Mex) food & drinks.
– Moxie’s great food, fun drinks, excellent people-watching.
– For beer, try the Meddlesome Moth (a few dozen on tap).
– For a craft cocktail, try The Tipsy Alchemist (this becomes a bumpin’ club after 10 pm)
Dallasite
Nice! You’re in a great location.
– Sprezza & Top Knot are my favorite restaurants in Dallas right now. If you’re by yourself, grab a spot at the bar, and especially at Top Knot, try one of everything.
– Meso Maya for Mexican (not Tex-Mex) food
– Happiest Hour for great views of downtown
– For beer: Meddlesome Moth (dozens on tap) or Braindead Brewery in Deep Ellum
– For craft cocktails: The Tipsy Alchemist (this becomes a bumpin’ club at 10 pm – maybe less so in the middle of the week)
Anonymous
The arboretum is nice. Also, if you want to shop, North Park is one of the nicest malls I’ve ever been to.
PJ
The Sixth Floor Museum is a must-see. The Dallas Museum of Art and the Perot Science Museum and Nasher Sculpture Garden are all good and relatively close to each other. They are also, along with the Sixth Floor Museum, located downtown so it would be easy to hit a couple of them in the same day.
Not Legal Counsel
+ to the Nasher – I love it. If you like BBQ, or want to try Texas-style bbq, go to either Pecan Lodge in Deep Ellum or Lockhart Smokehouse BBQ in Bishops Art District. I love Bishops – it is very walkable, and there are a lot of unique of shops, galleries, and restaurants. If you like pie, stop by the Emporium Pies, or go to Dude, Sweet Chocolate. Dallas is a fabulous city.
Anonymous
+1 for Emporium Pies, plus macarons from anywhere (there are multiple places in town to pick up a few)
SwissMiss
Thank you for the replies! These are all perfect– now to start plotting. I have to admit I figured the Bush library would be a pass, but sounds like It’s worth a visit. And I have to admit that I’m weirdly intrigued by the paintings W is doing these days. I’ll have to see what else I can fit in. Very excited about the restaurant recs, too!
Anonymous
I need advice on how to deal with a coworker who is constantly stressed in our low (no) stress job. We work together on a lot of projects, but I’m very firm about leaving work at the office and not thinking about it otherwise (we are not expected to work outside of 8-5). Meanwhile, he’ll come in the next day talking about how he got zero sleep because he was so worried about X from the day before. His sleeping issues aren’t really my concern, but when I try to collaborate on something, he’ll spend half the time talking about how he can’t think clearly about it because he’s so stressed about work. It makes us really inefficient and I feel like I have to babysit him to convince him to move on to the next project. Although we have the same job title, he is actually more senior than I am, which makes this trickier to navigate.
Hive, my job is not stressful. We have the same role, so I know that his job isn’t stressful either. It’s low stakes work that isn’t particularly time sensitive, and we have an incredibly flexible and understanding boss. It sounds like he should see about finding a therapist or there’s something else going on in his life that makes work seem more stressful than it is. That’s not really my business, but I have to find a way to work with the guy without screaming “WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS A PROBLEM THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM” every 10 minutes.
Anonymous
I think it’s important to remember that everyone reacts to stress differently. Things that stress you out, may not bother someone else. And particularly if someone has some underlying issues (like clinical depression), things that you can handle easily may really impact them and their ability to function. I don’t think just telling him that his job isn’t stressful is going to be helpful. I think you need to figure out how to work with him, assuming his work product is otherwise up to par beyond the emotional issue. Can you set aside a time each day to touch base? Or ask him to email and then deal with all the emails once or twice a day to minimize interruptions?
Anonymous
+1 everyone reacts to stress differently. I get super stressed in boring situations because I’m looking for action. When there are a ton of deals flying and there is a hot deadline, I’m in the zone. I didn’t even know other people didn’t react this way until a friend said to me something like what you had in all caps. Your coworker needs a new job. You should help him find one… it’ll make you both happier.
Tech Comm Geek
Ask A Manager had a question with a similar situation in the last couple of months.
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/my-coworker-wont-stop-talking-about-how-stressed-she-is-and-it-makes-me-stressed-out-too.html
And here’s the update from the letter writer.
http://www.askamanager.org/2017/04/update-my-coworker-wont-stop-talking-about-how-stressed-she-is-and-it-makes-me-stressed-out-too.html
Anon
Clearly, he has some mental health issues. You know this. So you need to step outside a little, and give him a tiny break. Learn to observe his reactions, but not absorb them. It can be done.
If you are very brave, go out to lunch with him one day. Let him talk. Let him vent. Tell him you are sorry this is so stressful for him, but it could be better. This stress level is too high and bad for your health. Ask him if he has tried the Headspace app or ask if he has talked with his doctor about his sleeping. that can be a segue way to treatment for anxiety.
If you can’t do this, and it is impacting your work, maybe let your boss know your concerns. They may able to communicate.
Anon
None of this is good advice. He does not “clearly” have mental health issues. And being the one he vents to is just going to make OP’s situation worse. She definitely shouldn’t be recommending meditation apps or telling him to talk to a doctor or anything like that. That’s getting way too involved.
Anonymous
He stays up all night worrying about something that shouldn’t be worried about?
His work and health are being impacted by his anxiety and worry?
That is a mental health issue.
If the OP’s work is being impacted, she is reasonable in discussing it with someone/boss.
Signed,
MD
Anon
I totally disagree that it is OP’s place to discuss this with her boss, particularly as you phrased this as a “mental health” issue. That is way out of bounds and not OP’s place. I highly, highly recommend against this. Plus, it certainly wouldn’t help the person and would likely affect their job.
Magical realism books?
I love magical realism books, but not full-on fantasy. Love the Game of Thrones show and the Lord of the Rings trilogy; have no interest in reading the books. Any recommendations?
Incidentally, for those who like this kind of thing as well, I recommend City of Dark Magic and its sequel, City of Lost Dreams, by Magnus Flyte (the nom de plume of the two women who co-wrote those books). I’m looking for something similar to these. Thanks in advance!
Nelly Yuki
Anything by Haruki Murakami, but especially the Wind-Up Bird Chronicles and 1Q84
anon
+1
And Kafka on the Shore. I think that was my favorite of his.
Eager Beaver
Have you already read One Hundred Years of Solitude and Love in the Time of Cholera? When I hear magical realism, I automatically think Gabriel García Márquez.
emeralds
GGM is the master of the genre, so if you haven’t already read him you 150% need to! One Hundred Years of Solitude is in my all-time top five books, and definitely the most transcendently beautiful novel I’ve ever read. It’s a commitment but so, so worth it. I cried when I was done reading it because I was so sad that I’d never get to discover it again in the same way. Love in the Time of Cholera is a lot shorter and more approachable. Which reminds me, I need to reread Love in the Time of Cholera–read it in high school and I think I was too young to really appreciate it.
Also try Isabel Allende.
Books
Also, Isabelle Allende. House of the Spirits is fantastic.
anon
Also, Isabelle Allende. House of the Spirits is fantastic.
Not Legal Counsel
+1
Nessie
I read House of the Spirits for a high school English class, and have read it a couple times since then. It’s one of my favorites!
nutella
I was just about to say, what have you read of the Spanish-language books? House of the Spirits is another good one.
Anonymous
I haven’t read those two, but here are some ideas. And agree with the others posted above. I’ve found that the best magical realism I’ve read was originally published in another language.
The House of the Spirits- Isabel Allende
Shadow of the Wind- Carlos Ruis Zafon
Golem and the Jinni- Helene Wecker
A Tale for the Time Being- Ruth Ozeki
A lot of Neil Gaiman, I loved Neverwhere (especially on audio)
Senior Attorney
+1 to The Golem and the Jinni
And American Gods and and Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman were spectacular.
emeralds
Golem and the Jinni was fantastic! I read it on a recommendation from this s*te, actually. Also love Neil Gaiman. The Ocean at the End of the Lane is good, too.
BB
LOVE LOVE LOVE Neil Gaiman! :)
SW
Zafon’s Cemetery of Forgotten Books trilogy is amazing. The Angel’s Game might be my favorite.
Anonymous
I’m either in mod or my comment got eaten. Check out Isabel Allende, Carlos Ruiz Zafon, Helen Wecker, Ruth Ozeki, and Neil Gaiman.
linnet
Kelly Link! Or Borges or Cortazar.
Kelly Link is probably the most accessible and fun of those.
Anonymous
1+ Borges. He’s my favorite in the genre.
Marshmallow
Helen Oyeyemi, Boy Snow Bird
The “Memoirs of Lady Trent” series by Marie Brennan
+1 to Haruki Murakami
Anon
Are any of these recommendations appropriate for a precocious 7th grade girl? She has read all the age appropriate series.
Marshmallow
The Marie Brennan “Lady Trent” books I mentioned above have no $ e x in them (maybe some allusions, but that’s it) so would probably be appropriate. And the vocabulary is on the advanced side because it’s intended to sound like it was written in the 19th century, so probably educational, too. And imaginary-science-and-feminism focused! The protagonist is the first female dragon naturalist in her made-up society which is a lot like 19th-century Britain except, you know, with dragons. There is a little bit of death in it (dragon attacks, human fighting) but no gore.
Anonymous
I read all of these in middle school, but no one was concerned about me reading R-rated material. Garcia was legitimately over my head at that age, but he’s still not my favorite, so ymmv.
Senior Attorney
Not exactly magical realism but I read Dune in 7th grade and it rocked my world.
SC
I listened to the audio book of Dune a few years ago, and it is amazing! If you’re in the mood to revisit Dune, I highly suggest it.
SC
I read a lot of Isabel Allende’s books in middle school, and they were fine for that age. Then again, I also read V.C. Andrews in middle school, so take that with a grain of salt maybe. (Why my parents cared about R-rated movies but not V.C. Andrews is absolutely beyond me.)
BB
Check out “The Wee Free Men” by Terry Pratchett. It’s one of his YA books and features a young, very precocious witch. It’s a trilogy, I believe. I’m also personally enjoying the Miss Peregrine books right now if she hasn’t read those.
Samantha
BIG +1 for all of Terry Pratchett for the 7th grade advanced reader!
No $ ex, but suspenseful situations and any double entrende jokes would sail right over the kid’s head.
Cb
I hate magical realism but loved Exit West. A different take on the genre but one worth checking out.
anon
The Solitudes by John Crowley (and the subsequent 3 books in the Aegypt cycle). It’s exactly what you’re looking for, and so so so so good.
Anonymous
Colin Coterill’s mystery novels definitely also fit the bill as magical realism. The audio recordings are also great, if that makes a difference to you.
And it’s a stretch, but some of Sherman Alexie’s work might be considered that. I’m thinking specifically of Reservation Blue. I bet there are other native American writers as well, although I don’t know of any.
AIMS
Night Circus.
Anonymous
Watchmaker of Filligree Street by Natasha Pulley. And she has a new one coming out this month! I think it’s set in the same universe, though a different time/place. I also second Neil Gaiman, especially American Gods. And while my favorite Sharon Shinn books are the pure fantasy ones, she also has a series set in Missouri where some of the characters happen to be shapeshifters trying to be as normal and under-the-radar as possible.
Anon4This
I did some consulting work for a small company. My work is complete. The company is running the events I designed. The pay was supposed to be in two parts. I have received none. I have been told that they are issuing a check for part 1 – the smaller part. However, they have decided that they won’t be paying me for part 2 – about 4/5 of the fee. There’s no concern about the work done. The explanation I received was that the person I negotiated with shouldn’t have told me it would be that much and made a mistake.
All of the accounts for this work are still in my name. With a couple of clicks, I shut down their access, the work I created and their payments from customers. This is currently their busiest time and my doing so will cut off significant part of their income. But, deciding that they are going to cut 4/5 of my agreed upon salary is also a lot of MY income. I’m trying to decide if this is justified in these circumstances.
Do I send them an email letting them know that if I don’t receive my payment by next Friday then I will no longer be allowing public access to the work I’ve done – this is what they need.
Thoughts on how to proceed with this circumstance are welcome. I’ve already learned a lot about not trusting people, having everything in writing and not moving forward without part 1 payment.
anon
Do you have a contract? I would absolutely threaten to shut it down until you started receiving payment. I would also take them to small claims court for the remainder, especially if you have any emails with the amount or promise.
Annnnonnn
I am guessing by your last paragraph that you do not have a contract. Do you have emails or anything evidencing the payment that was agreed upon originally? Was the title of the person you negotiated with a title where you would expect that person to have the authority to bind the company? Will shutting down access detrimentally affect your reputation in your industry to the point where it would be hard for you to get further work with other clients?
If it were me, I would send an email which would include the following:
– X person and I agreed on Y payment for Z work, as evidenced by the attached correspondence
– Z work was completed on A date, as evidenced by [correspondence confirming work was completed/access to the work you have done is publicly available, etc.]
– As of today, I have not been paid for Z work
– If I am not paid Y payment as agreed upon by the company via D representative by C date, I will take action which may include [shutting down access to Z work]
But I have no patience for this BS and emails agreeing to payment for work constitute a contract.
nutella
Yes, do this.
Anonymous
I freelance as well, and that’s a tough question because I assume there are legal things you are opening yourself up to (IANAL.) But I’d probably be tempted to do the same — even if you only had a verbal agreement, if they are not paying for your work, why should they get access to your work?
I’d change account details, etc. before I ever mentioned this to them, though.
anon
Don’t bother threatening to shut down the accounts, just go ahead and shut them down now and let them know that you will reopen once they have paid in full.
Even if you don’t have a formal contract, a clearly worded email chain might suffice in small claims court, depending on what was said. Start gathering any documentation you have asap.
brokentoe
Do you have a written contract stating the terms of your agreement? If so, absolutely send the letter and shut off access. Too bad, so sad someone changed their mind/made a mistake.
I, too, am an independent contractor. After being stiffed 16K for work I’d done on a particular contract, I learned (the hard way) not to trust any client, no matter their relationship or past history – I now promptly begin to badger (politely, of course) for unpaid invoices as soon as they are past due. This isn’t personal, it’s business – YOUR business.
Minnie Beebe
What does the contract say should be done? You *do* have a contract, right?
Rainbow Hair
Not legal advice, but if they said, “we’ll pay you $5X for Work” and you said, “OK I’ll do Work for $5X” and then you did the work, you have an agreement and they’re obligated to pay you $5X. Not $X.
In a not-identical situation, after an employer stiffed me for about a month and a half, I emailed him on a Thursday saying, “I can’t come to work on Monday if you don’t pay me first.” It was really scary, but I was thinking, “What’s the worst that could happen? He fires me and I continue to not get paid?” He paid me, and actually instituted a system that more or less guaranteed that I got paid going forward.
Anonymous
You’ve had lots of good advice here. People stink.
I’ve very curious how they will respond. Keep us posted.
The first thing I thought about when I heard your story was Better Call Saul, when Saul made the commercial for the Music Store who then wanted to back out of their “verbal contract” to pay him for more commercials.
Anon
DC area (or not) ladies, what are your favorite things to do in and around the Shenandoahs? I’m thinking about renting a cabin for a long weekend, but I’m not sure where exactly to stay or what to go do. We’re outdoorsy/hidden small town types, less fancy winery types. Thanks for any recs!
emeralds
Old Rag is the classic hike. I’d get a cabin somewhere near there, since there are a lot of nice day hikes in that area (Roberts Mountain, White Oak Canyon), plus cute little mini-towns (Sperryville, Washington, Flint Hill) if you want to get off the mountain. Graves Mountain Lodge usually has some kind of festival/special event every few weeks, too.
And yet you’re still close enough to fancy wineries that you can hit one if you really wanted to ;)
Baconpancakes
If you’re not in shape and/or used to hiking, I might not recommend Old Rag, although it’s gorgeous. If you are in shape/used to hiking, it’s great, but often crowded. For hikes, I would recommend checking out hikingupward.com.
Some wineries that are a little more chill but have great wine: Wisdom Oak, Cardinal Point, Glass House Winery, Pollak. Also Blue Mountain Brewery is beautiful, super relaxed, and has great food.
A local favorite is BBQ Exchange, in Gordonsville. Crozet is turning into a cute little town, and I love the Crozet Art Depot. The chocolates sold there are great, too. Luray caverns (on the way down from DC) is well worth it. Staunton is a cute little downtown with a replica of the Blackfriars Theatre and some pretty good shows, natural bridge is lovely, and there’s lots of kitschy things around there, and if you’re at all interested in Southern history, Lexington is also a nice town.
Anonymous
co-sign the note about hiking Old Rag. It’s not a hike I would recommend in the high heat of summer, even if you are used to hiking. For a much less strenuous hike but with equally rewarding views, try the Stony Man trail.
anon
Have you seen these suggestions? http://gardenandgun.com/articles/ride-route-11-virginias-shenandoah-valley/ Some really lovely spots on there.
Law Journal Trend
My alma matter recently decided to “consolidate” all of the school’s law journals into the flagship law review. The result is the loss of three specialty law journals that gave voice to unique and frequently under-represented viewpoints (i.e. social justice, environmental issues) in a conservative school. The justification was that this type of consolidation is a trend amongst law schools. Has anyone else heard of such a trend?
Anonymous
Haven’t heard of this being a trend, but frankly something like this needs to happen. There are far too many journals out there now. Getting on a journal used to be an achievement but now if you aren’t law review material but want a journal on your resume – well the journal of law and social change will take you. Frankly when I’m interviewing, I’m only looking to see if the candidate was on their school’s law review or not since that tends to have the most stringent requirements.
Anonattorney
This seemed like a kind of unnecessary comment. Law review is such a relatively pointless activity compared to the weight that some hiring managers give it. You get on a journal at my law school based on grade. So if you otherwise have the grades, being on law review doesn’t really mean much. And all you learn anyway is blue book skills.
What do you think is “law review material”? And what do you think that experience does to amplify candidates to your firm?
Anon
It also totally discounts those students interested in oral and appellate advocacy. It’s my own personal soapbox, but I wish firms would recognize the value of moot court and mock trial participation instead of treating journal membership as the be all and end all of law school achievement.
Blonde Lawyer
+1! YES. I got SO MUCH out of mock trial competition.
Anonymous
You are discounting the few journals that truly excel. My law school’s IP law journal was actually more prestigious than my school’s law review. Almost all of the top students in my class were on the IP journal with the law review getting the traditionalists and those who couldn’t get on the IP journal.
Anon
I am not familiar with this trend, but it seems like this would give a lot fewer students the opportunity to get really valuable writing and editing experience. So many employers want journal or moot court experience, it seems short-sighted to eliminate those opportunities. I guess they could be planning to increase the flagship journal membership, but that seems like a logistical nightmare, and it would still decrease opportunities for leadership positions.
MJ
This. I knew I was going to do transactional law and so doing _a_ journal was all I cared about, and I specifically opted out of Law Review. I can write, I can cite, but for a living I draft. It’s on my resume. I am glad that I did a secondary journal–it didn’t take too much time but it did improve my skills, and it’s a shame that other students will not get this opportunity, and may have a “hole” on their resume for hiring too.
Beth
My alma mater is doing something similar which I think is a response to shrinking class sizes = fewer students to staff some of the specialty journals. (Mine was one who cut class sizes to try and avoid ranking drops)
Anonymous
“The result is the loss of three specialty law journals that gave voice to unique and frequently under-represented viewpoints (i.e. social justice, environmental issues) in a conservative school.”
These journals might have given voice to a viewpoint, but I bet no one reads them. They aren’t regarded as serious scholarship. And I get it as a viewpoint repository, but a blog is probably better for that sort of thing, not a journal.
These things cost $ (which the students ultimately pay for) and probably don’t improve employment outcomes, so I see them as not worth it at all. I guarantee that at a conservative school, or a liberal school, no one really reads these or is influenced by them, either way.
Anon
“These journals might have given voice to a viewpoint, but I bet no one reads them.” I don’t think this is necessarily more true for specialty journals than “flagship” journals outside of the T14. Moreover, there are some specialty journals that are probably cited with more regularity than the law reviews at their respective institutions. I’m thinking specifically of schools with niche journals like bankruptcy, Law & Religion, etc.
anon
Thoughts on reconnecting with a former friend? I cut ties because I felt like I was being subtly insulted (think weight, job). I could never tell if it was in my mind or if it was intentional. At any rate, it made me feel like crap whenever we would spend time together and I always felt like I was more invested in the relationship than she was. It’s been several years since we were in touch and she was the one who sent the last email that I consciously ignored. It was freeing and the right decision at the time, however in the past few weeks I’ve been missing her and thinking about our friendship a lot. I’m a much stronger person these days and have really grown. I’ve also been on medication for depression which helped my outlook immensely. Should I try to reconnect? I’ve started praying about it and I just feel this pull to check in on her. Has anyone else done this with success? I fully support disconnected from toxic relationships, but I just wonder if anyone has done that and then gone back with a happy outcome.
Anon
Following with interest- I dropped a long time friend quite a few years ago because I was always the one to reach out, but whenever we got together she wanted to chat for hours- longer than I had time for usually. I got fed up and stopped reaching out. I’d like to see her again but I’m also telling myself- if it was important to her, she also could have made a second attempt.
I have one older friend that stays busy and has a chronic medical condition that takes a lot out of her- and I am happy to reach out a couple times to her because she’s important to me. I feel if a friendship was important, the other person wouldn’t just let it drop so easily.
Anonymous
Following this too. Cut off a friend a few yrs ago (~4) bc I was being not so subtly insulted bc I was being pushed out of my law firm. For the yr or so prior to that happening, ALL she wanted to talk about when we got together was that – and when I didn’t want to talk about that and needed regular friend distraction – she got huffy which made me feel that she was “enjoying” my plight and was only getting together with me for gossip; when I stopped initiating get togethers, she didn’t either – so then it was like – ok clearly she doesn’t care. Now 4 yrs later, I do miss her but I question whether I reach out – complicated by the fact that we have both moved to different cities so what’s the point besides having an occasional email buddy?
January
Oof. I know someone like this (and am in the position of being pushed out now). I got into fight with her over something unrelated the other night, though, which may end up being a friendship-ender, so I might never need to talk to her about my career woes! Or anything else, ever again. Ha.
I don’t really think you should reach out. I’m not sure people like that really change.
Anon
I say no. I think you know this in your gut.
It has never worked out well for me, when I attempted it a couple times. Even with maturity, you regress to old roles.
It would be different if they reached out to you, sounded apologetic, and were clearly putting themselves out there. Then maybe…. But even that tends to fall flat.
AnonZ
Go for it! I have been in a somewhat similar situation and found that I had much better relationships with certain people after spending time in therapy – I was able to let innocuous comments roll off my back, and also more willing/able to stand up for myself and point out when things were hurtful to me.
I think the key here that makes it worth attempting is that it’s not just expecting different results from the same situation – you are now in a different, more positive place, and may find that you are able to have a different relationship with this person.
I think the easiest way to do this is to reach out with a specific group event in mind. A short note saying, “I know we’ve fallen out of touch but I’ve been thinking of you; a bunch of us are doing X and I would love for you to join us!” That way, you can feel out if you want to spend more time with her 1:1 or not.
I would not jump right into an emotional explanation of why you’ve been out of touch, either when you first reach out or even the first couple times you hang out. If you want to keep spending time with her, and you think it would be beneficial, you could eventually bring it up, but try to at least re-establish some foundation before delving into all that.
You’ll have to be prepared for the possibility that she doesn’t respond, or responds with some level of anger that you’ve been out of touch. I think if you are mentally prepared for both these possibilities, there is no harm in reaching out. The worst case scenario here is that you continue to not be friends, either because she doesn’t want to resume the friendship or because you decide that you still can’t handle it. Since that’s current state, there is nothing to be lost from reaching out.
Senior Attorney
I have done it with an unhappy outcome. We were close, we broke up, I reached out, we joyfully reconnected, the same problems quickly resurfaced, we broke up for good. And it hurt worse the second time.
YMMV but I feel like breakups happen for a reason and it’s usually folly to try to put broken things back together.
Anon
If I got dumped by a friend I don’t think I’d be that amenable to that friend suddenly wanting to be friends again.
Anonymous
No. You dumped her. You don’t get to waltz back in her life like this. Not cool.
Gift Idea for New Mom?
A close friend just had her baby! I am in a different city but would love to send her a little gift/treat. I’ve already gotten them some practical baby things, so I’d like to get something nice just for mom. Budget up to $50ish.
giggly
A box from Waffatopia. Sound silly and not something I would have ever thought I wanted. But my dear friend sent me a box the week I got home with a new baby, and it was amazing.
Delta Dawn
When I had a baby, a friend brought me cashmere socks and a nice, beautifully scented, thick lotion/foot cream. It was lovely. She also might like something comfy/snuggly to wear around the house, like a soft cardigan (I have one by Barefoot Dreams that I am obsessed with– I think they have them in the NAS, and they are over the budget you mentioned, but I am sure there are comparable ones for less $$). Anything that she could use or enjoy at home during parental leave is a plus.
Aunt Jamesina
I just bought a Barefoot Dreams cardigan for my SIL who’s due this winter. I don’t have one, but they look so comfy!
anon
Aiden & Anais muslim swaddle blankets. Can get a gorgeous 3 pack on Amazon for around that price. They’re beautiful and useful for so many things.
Anonymous
MusliN. I’m pretty sure the blankets don’t belong to a certain religion.
Anon
Oh come on, that was so obviously a typo.
anon
That was very, very clever of you to not only recognize my typo, but turn it into a joke! I’m only a little disappointed that you didn’t also correct my incomplete sentences.
Anonymous
A comfy wrap/cardigan (blardigan I believe they’re called?) was the best gift I got after my first baby. It was perfect for nursing, and sleeping in and frankly I wore it out in public too.
lawsuited
I’d mail her a bunch of snacks she can eat with one hand, or I’d ask if there’s anything (as in breast pads, baby wipes, free-and-clear detergent) you can amazon prime to her.
Things I found helpful in the early weeks of motherhood: people bringing me coffee, people bringing me food, people bringing me specific baby items that I didn’t ever think I would need and suddenly needed TODAY or had run out of
Things I did find helpful in the early weeks of motherhood: flowers, mani/pedi giftcard (for when I can leave the baby with someone else 10 weeks from now?), books/magazines
Anonymous
The swaddle blankets aren’t a gift for mom, they’re a baby gift. As a new mom I got SO many gifts for the baby (we honestly had way too many clothes, toys and blankets, many of which were literally never used) and I was soooo grateful for my besties who treated me to things for myself right after delivery.
I second a nice robe/wrap or food.
Anon
The hands-down, absolute best thing we received after I had my baby was a giant meat and cheese tray with condiments, a giant fruit tray, and a giant veggie tray delivered from a local grocery store.
Anonymous
I agree that food is always welcome — either delivery of a warm meal or nicely curated munchies.
Anonattorney
Colace, witch hazel pads, and a packet of Hanes underwear.
But seriously, I would get her a gift certificate for a spa treatment or haircut, that she can use in a few weeks. I got a haircut at about the 1 month mark, and it made me feel like a human again.
Anonymous
I think this is a very know-her-situation gift. If she’ll have a nanny or mom or husband home with her for quite a while, it could be a good gift. But my husband took his paternity leave after my maternity leave ended and my mom was only in town for one week, so after week 1 I was home alone with a newborn all day every day and had no way of going for a haircut (or anywhere else by myself). Once I returned to work, I didn’t want to spend precious weekend or evening time away from the baby and salons have limited hours then anyway (many in my area are only open 8-6 and between work and daycare drop off/pickup I couldn’t make those hours). I got a gift certificate for a mani/pedi and ended up not using it until my daughter was over a year old. Food or a cleaning service or other practical things that I didn’t have to leave the house for were so much more appreciated.
Anonattorney
I had the same situation, but made my husband stay home with the baby on a saturday with pumped breast milk while I took off. It was wonderful.
lawsuited
I agree with Anonymous at 12:23. I introduced a bottle for the first time at 8 weeks, and spent a few hours away from the baby for the first time at 10 weeks (and it wasn’t to go to the spa – it was to do a ton of errands that took 4 times as long with an infant in tow). Aside from any questions about ability to stay at home (does she have childcare? is the baby taking a bottle?) every mother’s comfort level with leaving the baby will be different.
Anon in NYC
I mentioned this once before, but I had a massage at about 4 months postpartum and it was amazing. I hadn’t realized how much tension I’d been holding in my upper body / neck from nursing and carrying this baby around. I waited so long to have one because I didn’t want to “waste” precious weekend family time (and also because nursing meant it was challenging to lay on my stomach/be away from the baby for too long without being uncomfortable), but if you find a decent place that’s close to her house, that could be a great option.
I will heartily second all of the recommendations for food too. I’ve sent friends little food packages from places like Harry & Davids, Zabars, and Dean and Deluca. And, the fruit from Edible Arrangements is actually pretty good (and it’s so nice that it’s already cut up!).
Green Hat
I think I’m developing some kind of allergy to my wedding band/engagement ring (both are white gold). My skin where I wear them has become itchy and peeling a bit. Tried giving them a good cleaning with specialty jewelry cleaner to no avail. Any other ideas of what I could do? I’d hate to stop wearing them.
Anon
Try clear nail polish on the inside.
Anonymous
Take them off when you wash your hands. You could be getting soap and other gunk trapped under them which irritates your skin.
Tech Comm Geek
That would be my first try as well. If your skin is becoming more sensitive, it might be soap, lotion, or other things causing the irritation.
I have allergy-induced eczema, and it is often worse under my rings. I take my rings off at night now and put a really good lotion on. It helps.
Anonymous
This. I (almost) always remove my rings after washing my hands to let the skin dry (obviously, there are just moments you can’t). And I don’t sleep or shower in them. It has really cut back on these issues.
Anonymous
What about other nickel jewelry? If you are allergic to nickel, you can have a reaction to white gold as well.
anon
Boil the rings (I suspended mine in a pan with thread and a chopstick) and then soak overnight in hydrogen peroxide. I had the same thing and it was due to bacteria built up in my ring, especially in the crevices of the diamonds. Do a google search for wedding ring rash and you’ll see a bunch of blogs with instructions. Also, now my rings sparkle like crazy.
Blonde Lawyer
I had the same problem. I wear mine only when out and about now. I take them off at home (unless I’m hosting an event at home and they are part of my outfit). Even when out and about, I don’t wear them if they will be getting wet frequently. I don’t wear them volunteering or working out. I never ever shower with them. If they get wet when I wash my hands I take them off at my desk until my hands and the rings are completely dry.
anon
It could be eczema. I get it on three fingers of my left hand. I do a lot of things mentioned above as well to minimize irritation.
Senior Attorney
This happened to me years ago and it was exzema. Taking the ring off to wash my hands and at bedtime helped a lot.
NewRecruit
White gold jewelry is covered in a rhodium plating from the platinum family. “White gold” is a misnomer. It sounds like it’s time to visit your local jeweler and have a new plating put on your rings. The process isn’t long or expensive and your rings will look new again.
Gray
There are several types of white gold. Not all are or need to be rhodium plated.
Vera B
Is it possible you have water caught under them? Try drying the space out for a couple of days by not wearing the rings. Sometimes when I’m washing my hands a lot I get wetness under my rings. Once the area is fully dried, the problem seems to resolve itself.
Anon
How hands-on are your bosses? I just got a new boss and she requires each of us to send her an email at the end of the day listing all of the things that we have accomplished. Every single day. She also expects us to get the same amount of work done each day and that is not always realistic for me. I am the type where my days can vary but by the end of the week, all is done. It just seems like extreme micro managing on her part.
CountC
This would not work for me and I would start job searching. I have been micromanaged before and it was the most toxic, unpleasant environment I have ever worked in. It detrimentally affected my self-esteem and confidence.
My boss is pretty hands-off with our whole team. He never asks for status updates from me outside of what we have to provide as a department to other business segments and management. I am responsible for contracts for a different segment, with different leadership, sales teams, etc., and it’s not a segment he has any experience in. We interact more like equals TBH. I love it and am thriving.
cat socks
Daily emails? That definitely seems like overkill. I have one-on-one meeting with my boss everything other week to review what I’m working on. If there are major issues, I bring them up as needed.
Luckily all the bosses I’ve had have been pretty hands off. They’ve been so busy themselves they really don’t have time to micromanage.
anon
Depending on your area, I agree. As a manager I would rather know what you have that is outstanding (especially if you are in a deadline crazy field). I don’t care that much about what you have finished. A good manager will know and has ways to track that if there are concerns. I think exceptions might be contractors?
Anon
Uh. He11 to the no. I’d be looking for a new job, stat.
LAnon
I had this same request once when I was a consultant and being paid a high hourly rate – an end-of-day email every day listing “accomplishments”.
I chafed a bit at the request but ultimately had to comply. It actually wasn’t so bad, because I don’t think it was read super closely, and also wound up being a good reference for me to look back on. I never really got any feedback on what I sent, and I think it was more of a CYA move.
Not sure from your comment how long you’ve had to do this, but I would give it a bit of time to see if it settles into a fairly innocuous pattern. Depending on how many reports she has, it seems unlikely that your manager will able to spend every evening for the foreseeable future reading these reports and giving them a lot of thought. She might just be trying to get a handle on the work that everyone is doing, or maybe just mentally checking a box that she got your email and doesn’t go into great depth on analyzing what you send.
If you find, after a month or two, that it’s significantly impacting your work beyond the 10-15 minutes it takes you to write at the end of the day, offer a different solution or start looking for a new job.
OP
It has been several months and seems to be closely read because when I get less done one day (which is always accounted for the day before or after), there is an email first thing in the morning wanting to know why (not even a worry for anything deadline specific, just a general probe as to why less work was done). She has said openly that she thinks this system “holds everyone accountable.” I am just so independent and have been with this company for years, have never had major issues with time management and am otherwise happy but I don’t think I will be able to deal with this in the long term. It has definitely taken a toll on the morale of others as well.
Anonymous
I think it’s time to take the problem to your boss’ boss.
LAnon
Yeah, this is pretty bad. I think taking it to your boss’s boss is the answer. I wouldn’t frame it as a micromanaging issue, but rather a resource use issue. Point out that you, your colleagues and your boss are all putting a lot of effort into creating and reviewing these reports and you don’t really see the benefit, especially given that you were (presumably) productive and meeting deadlines prior to this policy being put in place. You could also ask your boss or your boss’s boss if they could “help you see the bigger picture” – saying that at your level, it seems counter-productive given the time spent and the decrease in morale; do they see it differently from their level? Then you can close with, “It doesn’t feel like a good use of my time/energy and it’s difficult for me to work in an environment that doesn’t value that.”
Anonymous
YIKES. My boss is barely involved in my day to day work (which also has its downsides).
Anon
A long time ago I heard the adage “there are two types of bosses – the boss you can’t get rid of and the boss you can’t find”
I immediately recognized myself as the latter, which can be equally problematic for employees, and I’ve tried to be more available and do regular touch since then. My own boss (C suite) is also the latter.
The only managers I’ve experienced who were “the boss you can’t get rid of” were brand new first time managers and honestly, easy enough to push back on.
Can you and your colleagues casually chat with her and suggest that actually writing up each day’s activities is a significant part of each day and to maybe keep it to a weekly list?
anon
Ugh, I totally feel you. I am a copywriter at a marketing agency and my (remote) boss is a total micromanager. Every week I have to send him a detailed Excel spreadsheet with every assignment I completed, how long it took me, how many words I wrote, how many pages I wrote, how much of each assignment was writing vs. research, etc. If what I record adds up to less than 35 hours per week, I immediately get an email demanding an explanation.
I have to time every meeting/conversation with any other employee and send my manager a breakdown of what was discussed and how long it took.
My manager claims his boss – the CEO of the company – wants these reports, although no other department in the company is responsible for this level of reporting. One time my manager accidentally CC’ed me an email he had written to the CEO that included my work report AND broke down how many words per hour I wrote that week.
It is a total morale killer. I feel like a robot.
Anonymous
Nope nope nope. I wouldn’t hate that. My boss and prior boss were totally hands off. My current boss has no clue what I do, just trusts that I will get things done. I sent him a list the other day because I’m about to go on mat leave and he was like, I had no idea this is what you were working on! I may start a fire by saying this, but in my experience, only women micromanage to this extreme.
Anonymous
Your last sentence is totally sexist and untrue. I’ve worked for tons of men that micromanage.
anon
“I may start a fire by saying this, but in my experience, only women micromanage to this extreme”
What a BS statement. I had a male boss who literally made me call him once I got to the office every morning to go over the ‘plan for the day.’ Maybe next time you feel compelled to say something s*xist that ‘may start a fire’ (teehee you’re so funny), just don’t?
paging foreign service
Someone posted the other day asking about taking the foreign service exam and life in the foreign service. I wanted to add my $.02 as an FSO. It’s a privilege to do this work, but as someone noted it is and can be a hard life. You make a commitment when joining to worldwide availability, so be comfortable with the idea you would spend your career in more and less developed countries, and be willing take hardship assignments not just early on but across your career span. Over a 20-year time, odds suggest you will likely be through at least one embassy evacuation and possibly separated from spouse/kids (if you have them). There is still not a lot of public understanding of what we do (e.g. we’re not just wining and dining across Europe), and not much recognition for service. That can be frustrating when serving in dangerous places, and PTSD is an issue in the corps for some who have served in those places (and poorly addressed by the department). But the work is interesting, and overall I feel lucky for the opportunity to service and the travel it has opened up. Also, State, USAID, Commerce, and Agriculture all have foreign service officers, so you should look into each based on your work experience (each hires separately).
Anonymous
Different poster – I know it isn’t just wining and dining in Paris, but what is it that you all actually do?? I find that no FSO ever can or wants to explain that even generally – so yeah – it does leave me the impression that you are stuck in some random country working at an embassy or gov’t related office job and then you move every few yrs and do it someplace else. So I wonder what the appeal is?
AIMS
I don’t have an answer but what you describe sounds very appealing to me!
Anon
I think the moving every few years all over the world *is* the appeal. Can you really not see why some people like that?
Former FSO-ish
There is (or was) a lot of detail on the state dep’t website but I would also point that there can be what some would consider huge financial/family advantages: free housing and in some areas (due to low labor costs), you can hire a nanny where it would be cost prohibitive in the US. I have good friends who have two small children who purposely are staying overseas (in Africa) until their kids are school age because they can hire a full-time nanny, a night nurse, housekeeper, etc for very little. (Based on this country’s medical care, Mom was sent to a destination of her choosing (her hometown) 6-8 weeks before her due date; Dad was flown back a week before or so.)
Anonymous
My husband is an FSO. There are a gazillion interesting blogs on the subject (I like Unaccompanied Baggage because it conglomerates many of the other blogs) plus more info on the State Department’s website. Google something like “day in the life of an FSO.” This is also really dependent on which track you are in. The Management track might be what you describe as a normalish office job in random embassies albeit with the complications that come from in fact being in another country, which are many. The other tracks, especially Econ, Poli, and Consular, are not really similar to any US job– unless your normal office job is with State stateside. The variety is much more than what it might look like at first glance.
C
Sharing a personal victory! After overcoming my fear of the free weights section of the gym, I’ve moved up to using 8 lb dumbbells for most of my arm exercises! When I started I was struggling with 3 lbs, so to my eyes the 8 lb ones look huge :)
Anonymous
Yay! Can you share what exercises you’re doing? It’s something I want to start and I’m not sure what to do besides working out the triceps but using the weights behind my head.
C
I have a very unprofessional system of random exercises I’ve kind of accumulated over the years. I do bicep curls, the behind the head tricep thing, tricep extensions where you kneel on a bench and extend the arm behind you, arm raises (just raising a dumbbell in each hand up so my arms are parallel to the floor extending out on each side), and I’ve recently added goblet squats with a 20lb weight. Sometimes I’ll do a tricep exercise where I hold a dumbbell in each hand by my side, then extend my arms behind me while standing up straight. I’m not sure what it’s called or where I learned it, but it works pretty well.
C
I also do bodyweight stuff too and use a machine for lat pulldowns. I know this list isn’t comprehensive, but I’m working around an old injury and it’s what works for me.
Coral
I’m going to a seminar for a few days in Houston in September, and I’ve been given the option of staying an extra day or two.
I’ve never been to Houston, is it worth sticking around? The hotel rate is $350 a night at the Marriott Marquis- is that hotel and location worth the price, or should I look around for different accommodations on the extra days, if I stay?
And- any recommendations for Houston generally?
Anonymous
Honestly, I live here and it’s not much of a tourist city. I don’t think the Marriott Marquis is worth the price. If I was visiting, I would maybe visit NASA (you’ll need to rent a car) and the Menil, try out a couple restaurants like Uchi or Underbelly. But that’s about it.
Anonymous
It’s not worth it – Houston is not really a tourist city and there’s not much to do that you wouldn’t have at home unless you’re from a small town.
AIMS
I don’t know if it’s worth it to stick around, I’d opt to go somewhere like Austin if I could but just wanted to say we stayed at the Houston Four Seasons not too long ago for ~ $250/night so I think, if you stay, you can do better on the hotel.
Anon
So I disagree – but I’m also of the opinion that nowhere in the world “isn’t worth visiting” – that sentiment is so foreign to me!
I touristed for a couple days in Houston earlier this year (from the northeast) and had a nice time. The Marriott Marquis has a nice pool area, complete with a lazy river. The price tag is up to you, but I’m sure you can find cheaper alternatives if the price isn’t sitting well. If you like food, Houston has fantastic Vietnamese, Szechuan, bbq (obvs), and Tex-Mex that aren’t available in other parts of the country. The Menil and Twombly were good for a couple hours. Rice is a nice campus to walk around. You could try to catch a sporting event or concert.
Houston is an enormous metro area with a diverse population and a decent amount of culture. If you’re someone that enjoys urban environments and seeing what they’re like, then I’d at least stay a day or two.
Anonymous
I live in Houston, actually within the city limits, and it is a major city with tons of stuff to do. A lot of people who tell you its boring generally live in the suburbs and are too tired to make the drive in to explore.
I do think your hotel is too expensive for this market; you can stay at the Hyatt for $200 a night in downtown. Our food culture is amazing and super cheap, the museums, specifically the Museum of Fine Arts has two great exhibits going on (one is experiential where you can take a nap even), and there are outdoor concerts and plays in the park downtown and our main park Hermann Park, every night Thursday through Sunday during the summer.
hwp
I’m also a Houstonian. I’d get out of downtown proper and stay at the Hotel Zaza. Downtown is a business district that tends to shut down at night and for the weekend. The Zaza is right in the museum district between MFAH and Herman Park (science museum and Miller Outdoor). It is easy walking to the Rice Village for food and some shopping. The Rice Campus is close–very pretty, sports events (ladies vball will be going in September!!), and has a running loop around the perimeter. And it is an easy trip from the hotel to downtown on the light rail for your conference.
Without a doubt, it is my favorite area in Houston.
Houston
It probably depends on your interests. The museum of natural science is wonderful if you’re into that kind of thing (especially the dinosaurs). There are several art museums in pretty close proximity (MFAH, Menil, Rothko Chapel, and some others I haven’t visited). There is the Galleria if you’re into shopping. The restaurant scene is huge here – a good website to check out is the Houston eater site. There are a bunch of concert venues – you might check to see if anyone you like is playing in town.
If you’re into doing stuff outside, I’d skip it. It will be miserably hot and humid.
In-House in Texas
I live in Houston. The Marriott Marquis is the new hotel downtown that was built for the Super Bowl this year. It’s downtown, close to the convention center. It’s very nice. I supposed it depends on what you like to do if you want to stay another few days. We don’t have very good public transportation, so you’d need to uber around the city. We have some great restaurants and if you like to shop, the Galleria is great. Space Center Houston is really wonderful, but it’s south of Houston so you’d need to get there. Note that it’ll be very hot and humid in September, so outside activities will likely be out.
Anon
I spent an extra weekend in Houston last year. Partly because my sister lives in austin and she drove over to see me, and partly because I was halfway to my destination for the next week and I didn’t want to fly home on Friday night only to turn around and fly the other direction sunday morning.
I moved to the Houstonian Saturday night to share a room with my sis and we used the spa services there Sunday morning. Saturday we shopped at the Galleria and had dinner at Del Frisco’s.
Other than that there wasn’t much to do, honestly. I had all of Friday evening, Saturday morning and Sunday midday to myself when my sister wasn’t with me.
If you like nice hotels and room service the Houstonian is nice. Nothing is walking distance from there so I took an Uber everywhere. It was just ok.
I probably wouldn’t do it again.
Senior Track & Field
Does anyone here participate in these events?
Not a distance runner but want something for short running outside of trying to rejoin an adult team sport (hard for women in their 40s — even the guys playing pick up basketball are at most in the early 30s and actually good at that sport instead of older ladies who just want to sprint).
emeralds
Not of masters age so don’t actually do it, but I know a lot of people who do and really enjoy it. The easiest way to get started is to contact your local running club (even if it has “road running” in the name there will be people who can point you in the right direction), and also start showing up to any community meets in your area (the running club will know when these are happening, if they aren’t posted online). They’ll usually be called “all comers.” A lot of them happen over the summer so right now is actually a perfect time to get involved. I’ve been volunteering at my local all comers series this summer and it’s been a blast–there’s everyone from tiny five year olds to a paralympian in a racing wheelchair to local sub-elites to a 75 year old lady just doing her thing.
Good luck!
Anon
Not masters running but masters rowing. If you’re willing to learn a new sport, the community at Master’s Rowing teams is unmatched and the workout is awesome and actually less high impact than running on your joints
Mansplaining
I need better strategies for dealing with an issue at work. I’m in a niche field – think, dealing with transnational smuggling – and have almost 10 years of experience working on the field although the first half was in junior positions – I’m 30. Men in my field regularly look at me boggled when I say what I do, or ignore me/speak over me CONSTANTLY, or explain to me what transnational smuggling is and how it operates. What can I do? I’m feeling increasingly discouraged. I have real expertise here that many don’t – including having worked on transnational smuggling in unique contexts and geographies. I’m reasonably articulate. Do I need to work on how I look? Should I give up being respected by others in my field and just keep doing my work? There are very few women in my field, but do I need a female mentor? Or male ‘sponsor’ (cringe)?
Another anon
A male sponsor can go a long way. I’m in law which has been historically male dominated but I was in other blue collar male dominated work pre-law. I’d walk on a job site and just see the guys think oh no, this is who they sent? Having a well respected guy say hey, I’ve worked with her, she’s awesome, she pulls her weight really makes a difference. I’d have to prove myself either way but the presumption would be that I could do it if I had the male sponsor and the presumption would be I’d fail if I didn’t have the male sponsor.
Anonymous
I tend to respond to mansplaining by asking a lot of questions in a sunny tone. Something like “Oh! You were involved in litigating the Freedonia case too? I did xyz, so you think we’d have encountered each other before now. What was your role?” Or, “Is there a particular reason you don’t think I have access to this information? Are there problems with file sharing we need to be addressing?”
Eeertmeert
Yup, this.
Questions, straightforward yet pleasant tone (i.e. not snarky or frustrated, even though that’s what they deserve) designed to bring their attention to the reality of the situation. You are a subject matter expert.
Some people are not curious about others and need to be reminded that snap judgements are bs.
Rainbow Hair
Ugh, this stinks.
I’m trying to figure out similar things, without the benefit of your decade of experience. I work in a field where I am frequently the only woman in the room, and *always* the only woman under 40.
Mostly I’m just following along to learn more.
Rainbow Hair
Last week I was at a meeting in a room that was 90% middle aged white men discussing “how do we get diversity in [this field]?” (Hey! I was relieved that they even thought the question was worthwhile!) And everyone concluded that just inviting people in, word-of-mouth style, was the way to go. Even though it wasn’t really my role, I felt compelled to say, “You interact with people like yourself. You all wont get the diversity you are seeking if that’s all you do to reach out. You need to think a lot bigger.”
Sort of a tangent, but a white dude telling his son and his son’s high school best friend to go into this field is hardly going to bring in true diversity. But I hope that as we move toward more diversity in my field, I won’t feel the need to prove myself every time I walk into a room.
Anon
It’s not you, it’s them. But that said, maybe there are things you could do to reduce the misunderstanding that you are young and new to the field: wear hair in a bun, evaluate whether to speak in a lower voice or reduce upspeak, wear more mature professional and less girly clothes so no ruffles and frills. Women shouldnt have to do this but sadly it’s sometimes the route to go to get the professional respect we deserve.
Anonymous
I’m in house right now and interested in learning more about post acquisition integration work, not necessarily legal, more project management. I do transactional right now. Thoughts on this? Anyone here do this type of work?
AA friend
We are having a BBQ with a few new friends tomorrow night. I just found out one of the friends is a recovering alcoholic and is active in AA. Maybe keep the beer/alcohol to the side and where it is less obvious?
Blonde Lawyer
Have an easy non-alcoholic drink choice that can be served in cool cups like the regular drinks. Fancy water/lemonade/ice tea.
Anonymous
No, just do what you usually do, and make sure you have water and soda.
MMLF Dallas pop up
Just got an email – August 2-6. Lots of slots open right now, but it filled up when they were here in March.
Anon
Has anyone gone to the Talbot’s outlets? Are they worth it? From what I can gather they are real outlets (vs made for outlet lesser quality like J Crew etc). TIA!
AIMS
I think they a come in both varieties so call ahead before you go to find out. I’ve only been to the factory store version and wasn’t too impressed but a friend goes to a real outlet one somewhere near her grandma’s whenever she visits and always comes back with cute finds.
Anon
I’ve been to the one in San Leandro ca. It’s such a huge mess and not that great of a deal unless they are having a big outlet sale (in which case it’s even messier) that it’s not worth it to me. Talbot’s has really good sales and I’d just rather wait for those.
Anon
I go often with my mom and they’re not great. The ones I frequent are outlets with their own clothing line. The thing I notice the most is that they always have these dated colors – teal, purple, marigold. I’d say it’s more akin to the Loft outlet – you’re excited by the idea of it, but when you get in there, it’s all a little different than what you love about the main store and you don’t actually like the merchandise all that much after all.
I wouldn’t make a special trip for one. But if you needed a new wardrobe and were going to an outlet mall anyways, yes, stop in.
Anon
Thanks guys. Going to just go to my local regular store!
Baconpancakes
Fish update – sorry I didn’t get a chance to respond yesterday. I got the Fluval Spec V (5 gal) tank, and am really impressed by the quality of it so far. A planted tank is -heavily- planted, but I’m doing low-tech (no C02) so I started out with some Amazon Sword, an anubis, two microswords, and dwarf hairgrass, as my 5 gal is really long, so there’s plenty of foreground to play with. I’m using Floramax substrate.
I’ll be adding some anacharis and driftwood, and eventually, a betta.
mascot
We’ve got this tank and it’s working well. We’ve got mostly live plants in there and a betta. You may have to play with how long you keep the light on. Too much light can lead to algae overgrowth and that’s a pain to get rid of. If you need an algae eater, the cory catfish are good. We tried snails but they tended to eat the plants rather than the algae.
Cali CPA
I would get a couple of nerite snails to eat the algae. Cories like to be in groups of at least four and there’s not going to be enough room in a 5 gallon tank.
mascot
We went through a couple of nerites with varying degrees of success. We also ended up with a ton of baby snails at one point. The nerites weren’t as destructive to the plants as the ramshorn. That snail tried to eat the whole tank.
Cali CPA
Nerites shouldn’t reproduce in fresh water, so I’m assuming it was the ramshorn since I don’t know anything about those. My nerites have left my plants alone, although I realized yesterday that two of my three in my betta tank died. I’m wondering if it was because they ate all the algae and then starved to death, because my tank looks really clean! I moved the third to a dirtier tank.
Gabby
I don’t know how I feel about the waist belt!
-gabby
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