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Updated: Sep 22, 2020 348 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Cozy Pullover

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Full disclosure: I own a version of this sweatshirt and live in it from October through March. It’s super comfortable and soft, but the cowl neck makes it look a little more stylish than the college hoodies I have in the back of my closet.

It would be a great addition to a work-from-home wardrobe if you’re trying to pull off the “casual, but pulled-together” look that seems effortless for some folks. I will note that it’s somewhat fitted, so if you prefer a looser fit, you should size up.

The sweatshirt is $59 at L.L.Bean and available in regular sizes XS–XL, petite sizes XS–XL, and plus sizes 1X–3X. In addition to the gray, it also comes in a pretty slate blue marl. There are also additional solid colors available. Cozy Pullover

Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Neck Anon

    I’m a lifelong side sleeper. 5-6x/year, I wake with a horrible neck pain that lasts 3-4 days (OTC drugs and chiro usually required). A friend told me this could be fixed by 1. Turning into a back sleeper and 2. Never falling asleep on another human ever again (I.e., A’s head on B’s chest).

    Any anecdata proving these true?

    • Z

      I mean, yes, generally sleeping on your back is better for your neck. I’m also a side sleeper and sometimes I get neck issues if my pillows shift around and aren’t at the right height so my neck isn’t at a weird angle to the rest of me.

      • Ellen

        I had trouble like this when I was dating my ex. He insisted on grabbing most of the pillows, and leaving me with my head at an awkward angle when I was sleeping. Once I dumped him, I threw out the pillows and replaced them and I now am a back sleeper, and do not have him waking me up all the time in the middle of the night to have me do stuff for him and then having him fall asleep with the pillows. FOOEY on that! If this is also your probelem, dump him!

    • Anonymous

      I think that being a back sleeper can be bad for you back and induce snoring. It is like you have to pick your poison.

    • Anon

      You need to see a chiropractor or a Doctor of Osteopathy that still does manipulations (not all of them do). There’s nothing wrong with being a side sleeper, but if your cervical vertebrae are out of alignment, you’re going to have pain because you’re spending 6+ hours a night with your head and neck in the same position, and spine/joint misalignment impacts nerves. I had neck problems for many years that were caused by sleeping on my stomach – I stopped doing that, but the problem didn’t get completely resolved until I saw a chiropractor, who also gave me home PT exercises to do.

      Also make sure you’re sleeping on a firm pillow that’s appropriate for side sleepers. If you’re on a squishy pillow, and it obstructs your nose during the night, you’ll torsion your neck to try to get more air. That will definitely cause pain when you wake up in the morning.

    • anon

      I’m sure that’s true, but I’m not about to change my sleeping habits! Your pillow could definitely be part of the problem if the neck pain is happening this frequently.

    • Marie

      Another option to resolve this would be to get a contour pillow for side sleepers that supports your neck.

      • pugsnbourbon

        +1. Fellow side sleeper – at the very least I need a … meaty pillow? I don’t know how else to describe it. It’s not super firm, but it’s gotta have some heft to it.

    • anon

      agree with point 2 but for addressing the side sleeping can’t you get a memory foam pillow specifically designed for side neck support?

    • anonn

      Firm thin pillow and also a pillow between your knees. The knee pillow keeps your leg from pulling your spine out of alignment. Also neck heating pad and regular massages. Some of my neck pain is made worse by sitting at a computer all day and having a giant head.

      • Serafina

        Omg are you me? I have to sleep with a pillow between my knees (HATE it when I’m traveling and only get one pillow), and also have neck/shoulder soreness from having a giant head :(

      • Saguaro

        Anyone have any recs for a good knee pillow? I have tried 2 different types, in addition to using just a regular pillow, and haven’t loved any of them.

  2. Anon

    I had a horrible five months, took much of August off, and have been procrastinating this month. Need to kick it in gear and crush it today. Good vibes appreciated!

    • Cat

      Sent and also requested… I’m in the delightful h3ll of a bunch of little projects, none of which have any real sense of urgency. But if I don’t knock them out now, something big will drop on my head and make it hard to fit them in. Time to focus!

    • Anonymous

      We are in the same boat. This month I have been making myself do the pile of procrastinated things by standing in my home office and alternating between whatever is next in the pile of personal tasks and whatever is next in my email queue to or on an old task list for work. I am almost back to manageable on the personal tasks and now making more progress on work.

    • Curious

      I am down for a game where I send you the microvibe I have left, you hold up a mirror to amplify it, I hold up my mirror, and at some point both of us end up with at least one vibe. Because that’s about where we are.

  3. In-House in Houston

    Okay – really vain question but here it goes. Does anyone know of any shape wear that will give me a little rounder bottom? I’ve noticed recently (I’m sure it’s always been like this but I’m just now noticing or it’s just now bothering me) how flat my bottom is in dresses. In pants and skirts it’s not so bad, but in dresses it’s really really flat. Other than a Brazilian bottom-lift or 1000 squats a day, I’m wondering if there’s any good shape wear that I could buy to just give me a little bit of a curve? I don’t want to look like J-Lo or one of the K-sisters. I looked on Amazon and they have a lot (3D padded gel??) with 5 star ratings. Just wondering if anyone has tried anything? And just FYI – I’m back full-time at my office so yes, I’m wearing dresses on a regular basis. TIA Ladies.

    • Anon

      If you figure it out let me know. I recently got a breast reduction and tummy tuck so I have spent a lot of time on plastic surgery comment boards. The results from the Brazilian BL are amazing, but it’s not for me. I’m done with plastic surgery. I will say I read something that women’s bodies aren’t meant to be trendy.

      • JCH

        I”m looking at doing a breast reduction and tummy tuck. Would you care to let me know how the healing has been and how you feel about the results? Thanks!

        • Anon

          Yes! I had the surgery about 2.5 weeks ago and am back at work with no issues (because of COVID I’m only in the office for 2-3 days a week). I never thought I would do something like this, but I turned 40 and realized I have spent my whole life being unhappy with my chest and stomach. I absolutely LOVE the results, and I’m so happy I did it. I have a flat stomach! I’m 40, and I have the best body of my life – even better than when I was 20.

          The day after surgery was rough (like OMG why did I do this to myself?!) but the next day I felt so much better. I stopped needing the narcotic pain meds by Day 3. I would advise you to get off of them asap. The biggest issue the first week was avoiding coughing, sneezing and laughing. I definitely needed help for the first week, my husband was a champ. I would say that you need 7 days off of work, and then about 3-4 of working from home, and then you can get back at it. But you absolutely cannot do anything for that first week. Nothing. All I did was focus on recovery. But after a week or so, you start to feel so much better. I still take it a little easier than normal, but I can function and help out around the house, just not at 100%. The biggest concern is infection, and I’m pretty diligent about not touching my incisions, and if I do have to touch them, I wash my hands with Hibiclens first. Listen to the post-op instructions and follow them carefully.

        • Senior Attorney

          I had a tummy tuck a few years ago, and maybe because I was older (early 50s) I was pretty incapacitated for two full weeks (I had a complication where I had fluid in my lower abdomen that needed to be drained at the doctor’s office). I had arranged to be off work for four weeks and although I could have gone back after three, I was happy to have the fourth one. My advice about all kinds of cosmetic surgery is to take whatever recovery time the doctor gives you, and double it.

          But yes, the results are TOTALLY WORTH IT.

          • Anon

            Yes, I remember you giving me this advice SA! I think it’s safe advice, but I would just caution that it shouldn’t deter someone from doing it. I couldn’t get more than 10 days off, and it ended up being enough time. But you are also SO supportive and I really appreciated that.

          • Senior Attorney

            Yeah, that’s a good point. Don’t let me scare anybody off — COSMETIC SURGERY 4EVAH!!

    • Ellen

      They sell Brazilian panties with built-in padding in the tuchus which will give you a larger, rounder and more plumper tuchus. I do not need this, but many women with flat tuchii do. I will ask Myrna for a hyperlink, as she found that wearing these panties gave her more confidence, as men tended to look at her more favorably b/c of her tuchus.

    • Anonymous

      I mean if you wanna be an adult professional wearing padded panties to work knock yourself out. Heat to break it to you but no one else will notice or care

      • Curious

        How is this helpful???
        She will notice! And actually people do react to attractiveness at a subconscious level, whether we like it or not (see: Burnout, by Emily Nagoski, Part III, for an analysis on this hot mess).
        Good luck, OP, on finding the right shape :)

          • Curious

            At the risk of taking this too seriously…

            I’m aligned that I don’t *want* it to matter. I frankly probably index very low on the beauty / grooming standards of this site. I just think it’s okay to care about how you look, because (1) freedom and self-expression and (2) the patriarchy is, unfortunately, far from dead. Also it’s fun to feel like your butt looks great!

      • Senior Attorney

        I bet they notice and care when you’re horrible to other people for no reason, though.

    • Anon

      Wow, we truly want what we can’t have. I am a pear and carry all my weight in my butt and I don’t like it! Nothing fits right and I feel like it sticks out awkwardly in dresses, especially the shapeless styles that are so popular now.

    • Anon

      There are some that essentially leave your bottucks out and provides a lift function. Search for “butt lifter” on Amazon and look at the reviews with pictures. The most realistic result I have seen from them is that they don’t add volume but kind …lift and separate so that you look better from behind no matter the size. I’ve tried one before but it….dug in too much so YMMV – but they do work. I think a true butt pad would be 1) obvious and 2) hot/uncomfortable to sit on.

  4. Diana Barry

    FWIW, I own a bunch of LL Bean stuff, and find it to be relatively small on the shoulders and short on the sleeve length, while not being fitted (even the “slightly fitted” stuff is big through the midsection). I don’t have this particular sweatshirt though.

    • Anon

      I bought this sweatshirt and returned it. The sleeves are short and the thumb holes are really heavily stitched. It looked like I had stigmata because they were so stiff and kind of open. I would consider it regular fit, though I guess it is fitted compared to normal LL Bean clothing.

  5. Anon

    I have two friends with children spending a lot of time in the hospital. One is a premie, the other is a toddler with a tumor. My heart is breaking for them, and I’d like to send something to let them know I’m thinking of them. What would be most helpful in these situations?

    • Anon

      Food. Just a big delivery of food that you ordered or dropped off. Like, “Hi, I made this lasagna and quiche for you, and I will drop it off in a cooler at your house” or “Let me know what time I can have food delivered to your house.” Actual food is better than gift cards, because then you have to make choices and they are 100% decision fatigued out.
      – Signed preemie mom with a stack of gift cards I still haven’t used.

      • Anonymous

        Could you reach out to a friend to help you? If I knew a friend needed help, I’d gladly hold a stack of gift cards and make sure dinner showed up at her house at a set time everyday from whatever restaurant. Almost everywhere is on skip the dishes or door dash so I wouldn’t even have to do physical drop off. I know most of my friends well enough to have a rough idea of what they like to eat without having to ask.

      • Anon

        +1 from a fellow preemie mom. Food is best. Depending on the person, hiring out a service (or offering to do it) for household stuff (like a cleaning service or someone to do laundry) provided that you do all the legwork would also be appreciated so they don’t have to do anything other than tell you what day works. Also I really appreciated friends who would periodically text me to let me know they were thinking of me and had no expectation that I respond (that last part was key)

    • Anonie

      I’m so sorry! Setting up a meal train online for the parents and any older siblings might be a welcome option. I am not a parent yet myself but participated in several of these online meal trains for parent friends over the summer. There are options for restaurant meal delivery and restaurant gift cards for anyone who can’t commit to cooking. Participants who want to cook for the family can leave their meals on the doorstep/front door to avoid breaking social distance rules.

      Meal train dot com is the site that I’m familiar with, although there may be other options.

    • Anonymous

      A Starbucks card if they are likely living off their coffee and food near the hospital, or a meal delivery certificate. They likely have zero time to take care of themselves.

    • Anonymous

      When my bff had premie twins, I sent an Uber gift card to make all the back-and-forth to the hospital more manageable. (We’re in NYC, so they weren’t driving, and she was post-C-section and exhausted with a toddler at home and couldn’t manage the subway.) I don’t know where these folks live but if they are exhausted and would appreciate not driving all the time, that might be an option. (YMMV re Covid, though.)

      • Anonymous

        My sister had a genetic disorder that meant my mother carried her to and from the hospital almost daily via subway in NYC. She talks about how exhausting that was even today. There was no Uber in the 70s, but this would have been a godsend to her if there had been.

    • Anon

      go to the blogger danielle moss who literally just wrote a post about dealing with a cancer diagnosis with her toddler (oh and having a newborn in the middle of it!) and what some of her friends did that was helpful for her.

    • Anonymous

      A few ideas from someone who’s spent a lot of time with a very ill spouse at hospitals –
      – pay for their parking there, if that applies. During one stay at an urban hospital, it was $25 every single time I parked if there was no street parking, and sometimes I was going twice a day. People being in hospitals can be really expensive and it’s a daily reminder of that.
      – if they have pets, offer to walk or feed them. I couldn’t concentrate on anything at home while I was at the hospital. It’s like you’re entering another world.
      – food is great if it can be frozen. The days are unpredictable and I would never get home at regular hours so would already have eaten many days.
      – Gift cards to the hospital cafeteria if you can get them. Same as parking.
      – Mow their lawn, weed their garden, take out their trash. . . whatever takes a burden off. Ask first – sometimes I liked doing these things to feel like my life could be normal.
      – Ubereats – a good option. They are used to delivering to hospitals.

    • anon.

      How much can you spend? Get more than one friend together and give a huge gift card to either a restaurant group in your town they like or (I know, bad) Postmates or UberEats. I think it’s more helpful in these situations than food or a meal train. They can order what they want on their own time when they want to.

  6. Ribena

    Oh I keep coming back to pullovers with this shape! Celtic & Co have a similar knitted one and I suspect I will make one for myself before the winter is out.
    (My next project though is the Dissent pullover, which has a colourwork yoke designed to look like RBG’s dissent collar!)

  7. Anon

    Any tips or recommended books for improving legal writing besides the basic IRAC stuff? Also, someone told to read the Solicitor General’s office’s briefs consistently for good writing. Any similar source for excellent legal writing?

    • Ellen

      My dad did not have a book for me, but he told me that to be a better writer, I had to be concise, by namely
      1) reducing the number of “filler words” in paragraphs;
      2) introducing new thoughts in separate paragraphs;
      3) eliminating fancy words when simple words will do; and
      4) making sure to do spell checks to eliminate typo’s.

      Finally, If you are thinking of going to law school, you must be very vigilant, and practice, practice, practice. And good luck to you for recognizing and figuring out that you need to improve, like we all do. YAY!!!

    • Anon

      Solicitor general briefs are always a great source. Reading the Supreme Court’s opinions as they’re released is a great practice, too. And big-name appellate litigators like Seth Waxman, Carter Phillips, Neal Katyal, Paul Clement, etc. also produce consistently good work. I tend to think the books about legal writing are overly rigid and obsessed with small details that are nice but not the big problems with legal writing. Before focusing on writing, the content needs to be there. You can’t mask spotty legal research with good legal writing. And once the content is there, just writing like a normal person (good topic sentences, no legalese, no excessive formality) and paying attention to how you organize your brief will put you comfortably among the good writers–at least in practice, although maybe not in law school.

      • Eloise

        +1. Excellent research and nuanced command of complicated issues makes writing seem clear, thoughtful, and nuanced.

        If you’re someone with nuanced substantive knowledge who has trouble writing well (e.g., a regulatory subject-matter specialist who sometimes struggles to write in an audience-friendly way), then the problem might really be that you need to write better.

        But for a lot of litigators–especially those who tend to be subject-matter generalists, better research and a really good command of the legal issues will solve their “writing” concerns. I’d read more cases, research more fully, make charts and other visual aids to help yourself understand things, etc. if you are in this boat.

    • Anonymous

      Ross Guberman. I prefer him to Garner in approach and content, but both are useful.

    • Anon

      Thanks all! In addition to books, are there any habits you developed that helped improve your legal writing?

      For example, I’m hoping to analyze a Supreme Court brief every weekend to read more good legal writing. Another thing I’ve started is a word doc of good sentence phrases and introductions that I like.

      • Anon

        Write out all of your headings and spend a lot of time moving them around before you start writing the substance. This helps ensure that your actual argument is right and makes sense; the most beautiful sentences in the world won’t help you if you don’t have a logical order to the argument.

        Remember that drafting an affirmative brief, an opposition, and a reply are different tasks. Each has its own basic formula for how you set up the argument but they are each different.

        Writing a draft, walking away from it for a day, and then reading and editing with a pen in hard copy. Makes a HUGE difference for me – I am able to see weaknesses in my argument or inelegant sentences much easier than if I’m turning drafts every day on my computer. This can be hard to do because deadlines are often so tight, but there is just no substitute for editing.

      • Anon

        Cut adjectives and hyperbole – you shouldn’t need them if your argument makes sense and is well-supported. Being really over the top about how wrong your opponent is usually comes off as amateurish.

        Think about whether you are asking the court to do something new or something very routine and be clear about that. It’s okay to say XYZ is a novel issue with no clear caselaw on point, but your argument makes sense because ABC. That candor is often more persuasive than trying to stretch cases that aren’t really on point to fit your situation.

      • Anne

        The biggest thing is to notice what gets edited in your writing. Even if the edits aren’t great, look at why it is getting edited – are you using long sentences? Is your topic sentence unclear? Did you not have great transition from thought to thought? Had you not clarified for yourself what you wanted to say? Did you fail to communicate your own thought effectively? Try to write something that gets as edited as little as possible by anticipating these things, but also welcome all edits (even by a poor editor) as feedback on what to improve.

      • Full of ideas

        I usually do a first draft somewhat stream of consciousness style, and almost always I make the best point at the end. I edit to make that my topic sentence and rewrite another version of it to conclude the paragraph. Helps me get briefs written quickly, but still have good structure.

    • Alanna of Trebond

      Style by Joseph Williams is the best one. All of these other books just give you instructions and don’t make you do exercises to improve your own writing.

      • Anonymous

        Okay. Both Garner and Guberman offer exercises in various forms. And while the concept that clear writing is good writing in any context has a lot of merit, Garner and Guberman are both focused specifically on legal and persuasive writing, the area OP is working on, while Williams is not.

    • aNON

      I’m a research atty for a judge, so I see hundreds and hundreds of motions. Most attorneys are terrible at clearly communicating their point. My court is in a major city and we have a very crowded calendar, so I have limited time to read through the filings. Your writing doesn’t need to be beautiful, it needs to be simple and clear. My recommendations: you mentioned IRAC already, but it’s a big one. Break your arguments down by the specific elements that are given by the law. Keep the elements separate with headings and don’t jump back and forth. Keep it clean, focused, organized. Element (a), short boilerplate law, apply the facts of the case (amazing how many attys don’t do this), conclude -> element (b) and so forth. If some of the elements aren’t at-issue, just say that in one sentence and move on. Also, this may be personal to me, but really dramatic language (especially language that exaggerates the issues or comments on the opposing party/atty’s character) distracts and detracts from your actual legal argument. Finally, make sure to end with a clear request for the court (i.e., grant my motion and award attys fees of $x under X code section).

    • Anon state judge

      Not sure if you are writing appellate briefs or law and motion briefs at the lower court. As a state judge, I can tell you that the best briefs are those that are clear and tell me what a litigant wants in the first paragraph. Make sure the headings follow what you want. I hate having to re-read a brief full of flowery legal language to try to figure out out, “What does the litigant want?” Don’t distract the reader from what you are requesting and the sound legal reasons for your request! I agree with the poster who advocates for omitting hyperbole or attacks. If you need to use lots of over the top adjectives or attack opposing counsel, I’m going to get suspicious and start thinking your request can’t stand on its own.

      • Anon

        This! Also, if you are asking for something routine, please do not file a 25 page motion with all the legal authority. If opposing counsel did not respond to discovery, literally all I need is the discovery, your meet and confer, and a statement that they did not respond to either (or their response to the meet and confer was inadequate). I do not need the entire history of the Civil Discovery Act.

  8. Single Lady, Homeowner?

    Hello ladies who bought homes on their own in HCOL cities, I want to hear from you! I’m considering taking the jump given that my little apartment is feeling so confining, interest rates are so low, and I have saved the full 20% down payment for the price of homes I’d be consider. I’m in my mid-thirties and I’d hoped that by the time I was ready to buy, I might be partnered and planning for kids, but c’est la vie.

    What were your considerations? How did you decide on location/size? What do you wish you had known that you know now? Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      I bought in Arlington as a singleton. I had horrible neighbor noise in a high rise that was full of partying grad students. Motivation to save! I got three smallest free-standing house I could find that was also somewhat metro-walkable. It was fantastic. I thought that if my live changed and I outgrew it, I should be able to sell or rent it easily. I think now those older small houses are getting town down and bought by developers. Having one door to the outside and no shared walls was amazing.

    • Anonymous

      I did this at 32 in NYC! I bought in the neighborhood where I grew up and lived for several years as an adult, so I knew I loved the area and wanted to be here long term. It helped that I’m a bit boring and knew I wanted to live in a family-friendly neighborhood even as a single person, so I considered school quality and proximity to daycares, etc. before I committed to buying. I ended up buying a 2 br/1.5 bath, which is the perfect size for me as a single person but I knew could grow with me if I did get partnered up and eventually have a baby. It has worked out well since I’m now living with someone I was just dating at the time I bought. I also considered resale value – I knew that in a family-friendly neighborhood, an apartment big enough for a couple with a young child is more likely to sell than a 1 br, and the extra half-bath is also attractive for a couple.

      I wish I knew more home repair! Honestly, growing up in NYC there were things I took for granted that a super would help with that I’m now responsible for as a homeowner. I also wish I had known that taking the leap is scary when you’re alone, but it’s also the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I would also make sure you have a big emergency fund and cushion – my home ownership costs are about $2500 more per month than renting (mortgage+maintenance, not counting tax break), and I feel a different sort of pressure to make sure I can meet my living expenses now that I own and can’t just walk away from a lease if I lose my job or something.

      • The original Scarlett

        +1 to getting a place with a couple of bedrooms for resale (extra bathroom too if you can swing it) – especially post Covid when people want a home office even if there’s no kids. On home repair, I handle with a good rolodex of handy people, and agree on having more of an emergency fund for sure

    • The original Scarlett

      I’m all in favor. In my VHCOL area, location and size were based on what I could afford (read small and had to be open to a lot of areas so availability drove things more than desired neighborhood). I bought about 10 years before I got married, and no regrets. Only thing that changed after I met my husband was how the place is decorated (and it was fantastic to do exactly what I wanted for a long time). To all the people who were concerned about “what if you meet someone and he has a place already,” that’s not a real problem – you either pick the bigger/better place to share and have a rental or you sell and buy together.

      • The original Scarlett

        Again with the moderation?? Same name, email, etc. no prohibited words I can see

        • Cat

          This has happened to me a few times recently, too, and I can’t figure it out at all.

    • Anonymous

      Purchased 2 houses, mid thirties, I saved >40% down for each as I am debt averse. 20% is too low imo, but I know is the prevailing recommendation for folks these days.

      • The original Scarlett

        I’m all for being debt adverse, but I would caution to do the math, sometimes putting a lot more in a down payment doesn’t significantly reduce a mortgage payment and you may be better off having cash on hand to fix things that will inevitably come up (or that you want to do to your home).

      • Anonymous

        Why is 20% too low? You own the house either way. Obviously having 40% is a great stabilizer, but why give all that money to the bank to avoid a very low interest rate?

      • Anon

        20% seems too low to me too. I have read and understand people’s rationale for putting down less, but I think a bigger down payment (AND a big emergency fund) is the way to go, even if it takes longer to save up.

        • Anonymous

          I wasn’t getting any sleep in my highrise and had a job I stood to lose. I bought the minute I had enough of a downpayment and wouldn’t have lasted another year. Moving is such a PITA that I could bear it once to get into a house but twice would have been too much when I was on my last nerve. And once you move in, something will break, so I recommending having as much cash as you can once you’ve but down any truly needed downpayment. If you don’t need it, you can always throw it at your mortgage. But better to have options than not to have options.

        • No Face

          I’m curious about why. Interests rates are so low that I prefer having more mortgage to invest more in index funds. I agree with the large emergency fund though.

          • Anon

            Anyone saying 20% is not enough at 2-3% interests rates is probably an extremely high earner – most people would never be able to save that much in a VHCOL area by themselves – and is way too risk averse to make good financial suggestions for other people.

          • LaurenB

            Risk averse high earners are exactly the people to get financial advice from. As opposed to risk-taking liw earners.

          • Anon

            It was my post above and I’m a risk-averse high-earner, yes. I think that home ownership isn’t always the great investment people think it is (there’s a classic JL Collins essay on the subject) and that if you’re going to buy, it makes sense to avoid a huge debt load. I also want to score the lowest interest rate possible, which is easier with a higher down payment, and get a 15-year mortgage. Others have different priorities and can certainly do well with other strategies, but this is what I plan to do for me.

          • Anonymous

            Yes, I’m the person who first wrote 20% is too low. I am a high earner in a VHCOL (lawyer in NY). I never lived in luxury high rises, but lived in the outer boros with a longer commute so I can save money, after living with parents for as long as comfortable post-grad (until I moved in with my then-bf now-husband). The amount people pay for rent in the city for shoeboxes has always seemed insane to me and not worth any kind of proximity tradeoff. They also end up spending a ton more in groceries and dining out. It all goes together and precisely why I am in the minority of anyone I know who can afford more than 20% down. People’s choices early on dictate their opportunities for a lifetime ahead. For my first house I put a ton down and took a 15 year, my second house (moved during Covid, but closed earlier), same thing but bigger mortgage and 30 year though still 40% down. All VHCOL neighborhoods nevertheless, but remarkably lower than the city. I can see by the reactions that people mostly disagree and my approach is uncommon, but I already knew this from everyone I know IRL too. I would also add that in the years leading up to either purchase I only put in the company match and not the max on my 401k, which I am sure will be met with more disagreement. I know people who are in dual-income high income households though that collectively make a lot more and have not been able to pull this off. YMMV.

        • Senior Attorney

          That’s fine unless prices are going up so fast and so far that you will never ever get there, which is the case in a lot of markets.

        • Anon

          I’m in an area where 2 bedrooms start at $500k. A 20% down payment is $100k and a 40% is $200k. For Most people, saving a 20% down payment + an emergency fund is a huge accomplishment, especially when you are paying a lot for rent because of the area.

    • Anonymous

      I’m in a similar position looking to buy! I know I want kids soon, husband or not, so I’m looking in places where I like the public schools. I live in an urban area now but I want a garden and a house so moving on out.

    • Equestrian Attorney

      I’m looking into a home for the same reasons. Added complexity that I have a partner but for various reasons we wouldn’t be buying together as of now, so it’s complicated but the home would be mine until he possibly buys into it later down the road. Location is the nice areas of my city that I can afford – so walkable, safe, decent commute to work and access to public transportation, some green space nearby, decent schools, but not the ritziest neighborhoods. Size is 2-3 bedrooms (leaving the door open for kids, but in the meantime I want a guestroom/office, especially with all this WFH). Advice I’ve gotten is to find a contractor/handyman and establish a relationship with them. One thing I’ve noticed is that if I show up alone for visits, people get very suspicious and I have to show a bunch of documents to prove I am approved to buy – apparently sexism is alive and well and the notion that a youngish woman can buy a home on her own is still very surprising for some folks. If my partner comes, everyone asks him what he does and calls it a day.

      • BeenThatGuy

        +1 to sexism being alive and well. Last home I purchased, I was a 35 year old single mother of a 3 year old. I was in a multiple bidding war situation and the selling realtor actually called my mortgage broker to verify my finances because she just couldn’t believe I had 30% to put down on a $500K house without any contingencies. (And yes, I had pre-approval paperwork as well).

        As for other advice, get a good handyman you can trust and depend on. Also, become friendly with neighbors, if so inclined. They might have good resources for home repairs and town things. Mine will water my plants or take my garbage cans in/out from the curb if I’m away (I do the same for them). It’s not unheard of, on a snowy morning, for me to wake up and a neighbor has shoveled my sidewalk or walkway. Bonus!

      • Anonymous

        Where on earth do you live? Why would you disclose anything at an open house? Get a better realtor

      • Anonymous

        What in the world? I bought my first house (condo actually) in the 90s and never ran into that. OMG this is not a new thing. Work with better people. Maybe this is where RBF is a blessing — no one would have doubted that I was definitely buying a house and definitely doing it on my own. OMFG.

        • Ribena

          I bought by myself in a medium high cost of living city at 24 and definitely found there were some agents and lawyers who spoke down to me or assumed that I was getting much more help than I actually did, because most 24 year old women aren’t on salaries allowing them to borrow as much as I could. I chose not to work with those lawyers and tended not to like the places being shown by patronising agents, so their problem, really.

      • No Face

        Just to put this out there, racism is alive and well too. I still remember a realtor at an open house in 2013 in a somewhat nicer suburb said to me, “I know who the real buyers are, but I guess you can look at the house.” I bought a nicer house in a fancier suburb.

      • Anon

        I’m not single but I am the bread winner. When I was looking for homes I often attended showings alone because I had more free time and I know more about construction than my husband. Some of the comments I got were so incredibly offensive, especially from seller’s agents. I can only imagine the BS you faced.

      • Anon

        +1 as an Asian woman who looks ten years younger, I often get completely ignored by brokers at open houses. I chose not to buy those places or work with them.

      • anon

        Even when i took my partner to open houses, there were realtors who only spoke to him – as though there was no way that the woman would be the employed lawyer with the down payment.

    • Senior Attorney

      I’ve done it twice and highly recommend! If you can aford it, by all means buy a house that is suitable for the family you hope to have, if only becuase it will be more marketable when and if you ever want to sell.

      Obviously have a professional home inspection and take it seriously.
      Get a home protection plan — often the sellers will pay for this as part of the deal so it doesn’t hurt to write it into your offer.
      Work with a realtor who specializes in the neighborhood you are interested in — they will know the inventory and the prices and will also be able to refer you to tradespeople like plumbers and gardeners and the like.
      Don’t spend every last penny on the down payment — you will want/need money for upgrades/repairs/things you haven’t thought about like shower curtains and wastebaskets and doormats.
      Good luck!!

    • Anon

      I did. I bought a 2 br 1 ba house in a VHCOL area. It was the perfect size for a singleton. A bit tight for guests (due to the 1 ba) but honestly I didn’t want or need anyone staying with me for weeks at a time anyway. Staying a weekend was fine.

      I didn’t have 40% down (*laughs in Bay Arean), not did I have 20%. I paid PMI until my equity caught up to over 20%, which happened quickly, and then I refinanced.

      It’s very nice not to have too much house to keep up with when it’s just you. I did all the cleaning and yard work myself, so I felt every square foot.

      One of the most important things is a well designed space that works for what you need. My house was a 1920s bungalow so the rooms were very separate, and that worked. The one thing it had that I didn’t need was a breakfast nook and a dining room. So I converted the breakfast nook to a small home office area, which worked out much better for me. I also had an upright piano on one wall of the dining room. Probably not a look that would be featured in any decorating magazines, but I played the piano a lot more often than I held dinner parties.

      Good luck!

    • Anon

      Oh man, I had zero plan when I bought a home. I was just so fed up with my upstairs neighbor that I had to get out. I had only lived in apartments in one general part of town and was only interested in houses in the same area. Size was determined by my budget, which is fine because I was also single and preferred (and still do) a smaller house. I did not use a realtor and neither did the seller and honestly the process was a lot less painful than I had expected. There’s a lot of paperwork and boxes to check off so it was time consuming, but not hard. Good luck, I hope you find the perfect home!

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t let being single dissuade you. That’s probably the least of issues. More important, I think you need to look at things with a COVID lens. How stable is your job and what is the market like where you live? Will you want flexibility to move for other jobs if you find yourself unemployed, as many people are projected to continue to be? Think more closely about typical advice for 20% down given the current economic environment. Again, high unemployment is expected to be around for quite some time. So make sure the rest of your financial house is in order–you may need more than the traditional six month emergency fund if you lose your job and finding another takes longer than normal. (What is your safety net situation like with family?) And don’t just look at downpayment, too. You also need money set aside for home repairs that inevitably come up. The other thing, and this probably sounds a little vulture like, but right now there are a lot of protections around evictions. Once those inevitably lift, the real estate market is likely to become even more slanted to buyers. I also wouldn’t let the low rates right now make you feel any pressure. I think that’s pretty dated thinking. Most folks are projecting them to stay low for the foreseeable future given current times. Whether you’re single or not really had no bearing other than whether you would take in a roommate if needed.

    • Anon

      I didn’t buy in the city, but in one of the suburbs in the DC/Baltimore metro area. My situation was a little different (late-20s, had family loan me money for my downpayment), but things I considered when I bought a house as a single woman:
      – how much time/money do I want to spend on fixing stuff or doing reno? My answer was basically “zero,” so in the end I bought a newly-constructed townhouse, which was more expensive than an older townhouse, but I haven’t had to fix a single thing in the 5 years since I bought it.
      – buying a 3br 3ba townhouse with a single car garage, so I could either rent rooms to other people, eventually rent the entire unit out to a family, or sell the place since having 3 full baths in a small townhouse (1,500 sq ft) is a pretty awesome amenity.
      – how many floors do you want in your house? I don’t mind stairs, so I live in a 3-story townhouse. Ymmv
      – location is important – easy access to stores/groceries/major highways? Doesn’t have to be walkable, but also consider if there are any future development plans in the neighborhood that might affect quality of life and pricing

    • Anon

      I bought in a HCOL area at age 37, with 20% down. That was 5 years ago and I’ve since gotten married and moved cities. I had a couple of break ins after moving in, which I expected since the crime rate in my neighborhood was higher than the average for my city. After moving, we decided to keep the property as a rental. TBH, it’s been a huge hassle managing the property from another city (I have a property manager) and while I’ve built up quite a bit of equity in a short period of time, I’m not sure how long we’ll hold on to it. So one thing I would say is consider whether you will live there long term and what you would do if your personal circumstances change and you needed/wanted to move. Overall I’m glad I bought it since I loved having my own place and was sick of renting, but I should have done more thinking about what I’d do if I ended up having to move.

  9. Notinstafamous

    I’m feeling really down and demotivated at work. Any tips on how to buckle up and improve in the short to medium term while I look for a new firm? Main partner in my group left (didn’t take me with them, which I’m not too sad about as he was deeply racist), but he took a lot of clients. That plus pandemic & fires (in PNW) means everyone is stressed and snappy. I’m normally in fairly high high demand, but am doing a lot of work in my secondary area now because that’s where the firm has work. They’ve told me to commit to the secondary area or move on by Christmas. I’m looking for a new role but all the law firms have a hiring freeze on. I feel like I’m making sloppy mistakes and am struggling with focus. Help? How do I navigate this.

    • Anonymous

      Commit to the secondary area as a way to broaden your skill set and make yourself more marketable to other firms. Keep looking for a new job.

      • Anonymous

        Commit so you have a job and don’t blow your chances at your existing firm. Also, can you find out if they will be hiring in new partners in your preferred area? You may just need to be able to stay busy until that happens.

  10. anon

    Ooh, I really like this pick! This is the kind of thing I can totally see myself wearing all fall and winter. I haven’t ordered LL Bean clothing for myself. Any thoughts on how the sleeve length runs? I’m 5’8″ and some of the outdoorsy brands are not quite long enough for my arms. They’re doable, but not comfortable, if that makes sense.

    • Anon

      I commented above but I returned it, the sleeves are short and the thumb holes are stiff and hit me right in the wrists. It looked silly and was uncomfortable.

    • Anonymous

      IIRC Bean has petite and tall offerings on many items. I’m 5-4 with long arms and the petite is always right for my short torso and the arms are long enough (my wingspan > my height).

    • Just me

      I love my LL Bean tees and sweater, but the sleeve are perfect on me, (5’4″). Long arms might not love.

    • Clementine

      I want to wear more LLBean, but 5’8, JCrew/Banana size 8 and… it just doesn’t fit me. Sleeves are too long, torso is too wide and short. If I size down, the underarms are tight and sleeves are even shorter.

      I keep wondering if like a Tall Small/Medium might work, but for standard sizes, the only LLBean top I can wear has thumbholes which sit at my wrist bones. Mountain Hardware works well for me.

      • Diana Barry

        +1. Athleta also has longer arms. I deal with the LL Bean stuff by layering in the winter so my underlayer has longer arms.

      • Cat

        I have a similar Zella sweatshirt (not as much fabric at the neck though, more of a funnel) and the sleeves are slightly too long for me. Might work better for you!

    • AnonATL

      Lands end fits my long arms better than LLbean. I’m only 5’6” and around a size 6 up top but have pretty long arms for my size.
      Btw they have a somewhat similar dupe on sale: Women’s Sweater Fleece Cowl Neck Tunic Pullover Top
      It’s also a tunic for the leggings lovers among us.

    • MagicUnicorn

      Very boxy and the sleeves are that weird bracelet length. Not long, not 3/4, just uncomfortably short.

  11. Murz

    We’re replacing our bedside lights and have been looking at sconces which is new territory for us. I read on a lighting shop’s guide that you should never have bare-bulb bedside lighting that’s not on a dimmer because it can hurt your eyes. But a majority of the sconces I see are either bare-bulb or have a shade that doesn’t protect your eye level when actually in bed. We have lamps with lampshades now so no clue if this would actually bother us, but part of our interest in sconces is to get rid of the bulk of a lamp + lampshade that takes up nightstand real estate. Does anyone have sconces with bulbs visible from the bed, and if so, can you share how you set it up/whether this is even a concern? I’m semi worried I went down the internet rabbit hole of interior decorating that is making mountains out of non-issues. TIA!

    • Anonymous

      How long do you spend in bed exposed to these lights? How bright are the bulbs? That seems like a ridiculous blanket rule – there are tons of bulbs that don’t seem bright enough to damage your eyes and are meant to be used without a shade (e.g. edison-style bulbs). We have bedside sconces with ceramic shades that don’t conceal the bulb from below, and they don’t bother our eyes at all. They aren’t necessarily at eye level (I don’t sit up while reading in bed), they are not that bright, they are several feet from my eyes, and I am usually falling asleep after about 20 minutes anyway.

    • Anon

      In my old house there were high hat fixtures above the bed, one for each side, controlled by switches on each side. Even less bulk than sconces. These were on dimmers. Now most high hats are getting replaced by LEDs, and there’s a variety of choices available.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Bulbs without some type of shade to diffuse the light really are hard on your eyes, and even on a dimmer they’re harsher than those with a shade, which is the opposite of what you want in a bedside light. We have a dining room fixture with bare bulbs in a mid century style, and even on a dimmer with warm temperature bulbs, the bulbs are hard on your eyes if you look right at them (which is relatively unnatural to do with a dining room light, but very easy to do with a bedside light). If you want to test out if it’ll work for you, try a lamp with the shade off on your nightstand to mimic the feel.

      I think the bare bulb trend is related to the farmhouse, MCM, and industrial styles that are fairly popular, but there are definitely sconces out there with shades. It has nothing to do with utility and everything to do with aesthetics.

    • Anon

      I have sconces in odd places here and there in my century old house – certainly not where a bed would go – and I bought lampshades for them. It works really well. I also can’t stand bare bulbs. Too bright even at the lowest wattage.

      The lampshades are the kind that clamp onto the lightbulb itself. They’re a small size made for sconces.

    • Full of ideas

      We recently got a fixture that mounted in the middle of the headboard (or above it) with two swivel arm snake type extension lights – you can point them up for diffuse light or spotlight for reading, and they are dimmable! Love it!! Can’t find link but was from lights.com I think

  12. Anonymous

    Lots of parent questions lately so I’ll ask a general one — is there an age (yours or theirs) where visiting your parents went from something that was fun that you looked forward to to an obligation (assuming it was ever fun)? And was it because of you – say marriage, your own family, you realized you don’t sleep well in their house etc – or them – like their aging, their health concerns etc?

    • Anonymous

      I’m 50 and have never hit this phase. Depends on the parents? And the child?

    • Cat

      I still think seeing my parents is fun, but that’s because it’s easy to do a day trip. That said, the switch from “oh nice I’m going to be at my parents’ for the weekend” to “staying overnight with them is more trouble than it’s worth” happened mid 20’s. It was a combination of (1) having a place of my own that was nice enough that I didn’t feel like I needed to escape it – no roommates, had my own laundry, nice apartment rather than student-budget living, (2) having my own adult routines that would be disrupted by a weekend at their place, and then (3) getting married and starting Biglaw and if we spent significant time at their place it meant basically no quality ‘couple time’ for two weeks straight.

      My husband’s family is a flight away and it’s viewed as more of an obligation, but that’s because his parents insist on spending time every visit talking about the same childhood stories ‘oh do you remember that darling neighbor girl who moved away when you were 5? the one you ran into with your Big Wheels? she just did XYZ.’ It’s like they aren’t at all interested in hearing about their kids’ adult lives. We try to ask them about current things they’re doing to encourage reciprocal attention…. We vacationed with them once and it was much better as at least we all had new, fresh things to discuss (perhaps something about kid being at childhood home triggers ‘must talk about childhood only’ to them?), so we might try suggesting that again next year!

      • AnonATL

        I think we have the same family. My parents are an hour away. We can pop by on a Saturday for a few hours, hangout and go home. In my 20s I visited and often stayed for the weekend. Now I enjoy visiting but it’s not my home, so I’m eager to go back home after a few hours.
        My in laws are a couple hour flight away and insist we stay with them when we visit which is tolerable because they have a finished basement with full bath we camp out in. However, my In laws are lovely but boring people. Even my husband admits it and says my parents are fun. We spend so much time at their house staring at each other, rehashing the same conversation, or listening to my MIL complain about something. I always try to plan something to do while we are there, but not too much that we are avoiding them.
        It’s definitely an obligation to visit them but not my parents… and I’m not just biased.

    • Anon

      Visiting my mother was always fun once I was there, although fitting visits into my schedule sometimes felt onerous and obligatory.

    • Anonymous

      I love visiting my parents and am fairly flexible visiting anyone (long history as a singleton who was only housed on couches as a guest). My SO, OTOH, seems to have become a person with his (likely but undiagnosed) IBS issues keeping him from visiting anywhere where he is unfamiliar with how the bathrooms are in a new place so he either won’t visit or insists in staying in a hotel (not always possible in a small town). It is really irritating and I wish he’d address the problem. SO also can’t peacefully visit his family at his mom’s home b/c there are Simmering Tensions that always come to a head (freeloading sibling, hoarding issues of various family members, disrepair of childhood home). SO is much better at something like all going in on a beach house, but also needs a week to decompress after. Grateful that I don’t have a family dynamic like that with my parents (OTOH, I have a sibling who just brings the drama . . .).

    • CountC

      Once I left for college, visiting my parents has never been fun. It’s something I do out of obligation at the holidays, but otherwise, I do not visit.

    • Anon

      I’m the opposite to the way this question was posed. Visiting was an obligation in my 20s – I had my own life! It was fun and busy! But now that I’m in my 30s with kids of my own, visits are more fun because the kids make it fun and I also look forward to them more because I get a bit of a break. Also as a parent now my relationship with my own parents has improved.

    • Anonymous

      Once they retired and got past the first few years of retirement. Their life is a drag — they don’t go anywhere or do anything so ALL their focus is on their grown 30+ and 40+ year old children, as well as gossiping about/talking with extended family. If you have say 10 vacation days, you’re expected to spend 9.5 of them there, entertaining them etc. — as they gossip and worry about their health and worry you about their health; we don’t even so much as watch a movie or a football game though very loud TV for their nation of origin must be on at all times and no you can’t change the channel so we can all watch something together. They retired when I was 28-ish.

    • Anon

      Visiting my family became more of an obligation once I got married, especially once we bought our house. We live in a very nice, new house and have a dog. My parents have cats and will not allow the dog to visit, so we have to board her before we go. They also have neglected my old bedroom and bathroom to the point where I would try to plan visits to where I didn’t have to shower at their house. The bed also feels unstable for me and DH to be on together (and is a double bed) so we don’t sleep well there.

      Visiting my husband’s family was stressful to me in initially but definitely became more of an obligation once his dad developed Alzheimer’s. His dad has passed away, and SIL had a baby, so visits are less of an obligation now that we are mainly visiting with our nephew.

    • Anonymous

      I feel like those of us who like spending time with our parents are less likely to move far enough away from them that overnight visits are necessary.

      • Ribena

        Maybe so. I read a novel called In At The Deep End a year or two ago and one of the main things I took away from it was that I was really jealous that the main character could choose to go home for dinner on a whim. I moved 6 hours away for economic reasons rather than to get away from my parents.

      • Doodles

        I agree in my experience. My husband and I have never lived more than 20 minutes away from our parents, either separately or since we’ve been together. So we’ve never had overnight visits. Since having kids, we see our parents at least three times a week and up to 6 times when daycare was closed and they alternated childcare days. Before kids, it was maybe 2-4 times a month for dinner.

      • Patricia Gardiner

        What? I think that is a broad oversimplification and probably depends on where you grew up. I moved for educational and now economic/job opportunity reasons and would be deeply hurt if anyone thought it meant I don’t like my parents. Why can’t I have both a great career (and go where it leads me rather than being tethered to a small geographic area) and love my parents, and connect with them through phone calls and visits (that require travel)?

        • Pink

          Yeah this is a pretty glib and hurtful stance. My hometown has incredibly few jobs for college graduates, much less female college grads (a woman’s place is in the home!) However, I will say this has become a self-fulfilling prophecy in that my mom and MIL almost immediately started making digs about my career when I moved away (the same career that was empowering and admirable when I lived 30 miles from them). So apparently THEY see it as “you left because you don’t love me” when I see it as “I want a better life for myself and my family.” It’s all perspective.

    • Cb

      If my parents weren’t so far away (16 hours from airport to airport), I’d find visiting fun. My toddler loves them, my hometown (East Bay) is great for kiddos, and my husband and dad have really bonded. They’ve bought a house in Portugal and I’m looking forward to having them being closer (3 hour flight) and spending school holidays etc at their house.

    • Anonymous

      I am not really answering your question, but my parents moved close to me 12 years ago for reasons I could never understand and they could not articulate. (They would deny my presence had anything to do with it.) It has often felt like a burden. But they are now in the process of moving several states away and I have to admit I am feeling very sad about it, especially given the pandemic.

    • Anon

      I’m 30, married but no kids, and this just happened very recently for me. I haven’t quite put my finger on what it is, but something about our relationship’s dynamic has changed. I used to love spending time with them and find it restorative, but now I walk away feeling bad about myself instead.

    • Anon

      It was never fun for me to visit my family. I love them but I am an adult with my own home and staying at my parents home or my in-laws house is weird and child-like.

    • Vicky Austin

      You know, in the microcosm of my brief experience, it kind of went from fun to dread to fun again. In early college, it was great to go home. I was the oldest, so I almost had celebrity status, everyone wanted to hear all about my life, etc. As I got more independent, I hated going home for any longer than a weekend (the ten days at home between my second-to-last year of college and my summer job that year were probably the nadir of my relationship with my mom). And now that I have my own home (in a different state), I love visiting my folks and having them visit me. It’s nice to have a house full of people, and it’s nice to have someone else worry about all the hosting details. I hope it stays this way for a while.

    • Airplane.

      I still look forward to seeing my parents. But they live in a destination city with great weather so I make it a vacation or a girls weekend out of it.

    • Anon

      When I was older with my own family, and my widowed mom lived with a boyfriend no one liked (for good reason, he ended up being a serial cheater) it was uncomfortable staying with her. The house was also kind of crowded, and she expected us to be ok with sleeping on the couch or the floor as if we were still teenagers.

      We finally ended up staying in a hotel whenever we visited her. She was offended by this at first, and talked to others about how we thought we were so fancy (believe me, the hotel wasn’t fancy) but she got used to it after a while. Then visits to her started to feel like little weekend getaways. The hotel had a nice-ish breakfast buffet and we started inviting her to have breakfast with us at the hotel on Sunday mornings. She really looked forward to that.

      My mom is gone now and I miss her a lot. I’d give just about anything for another weekend visit, even thought it was always still a bit stressful.

      • Anon

        I just remembered a cute thing about my mom and the breakfast buffets. She didn’t want to join us at first because it was “too expensive” even though we were paying. So I started lying to her that we got it free because we stayed there so often (haha like they’d do that for us staying there 4-5 times a year max) and then she LOVED it. In fact, if we didn’t have breakfast there she considered it a huge waste, and that totally got us off the hook for mandatory breakfast at her house. :)

        Miss you, mom.

    • Anon

      My husband has always enjoyed listing his parents (as do I; they are wonderful people). His brother and brother’s family will often be there are the same time.

      It has gotten tough since we met: there just isn’t enough room for brother, SIL, their kids, my husband, and then me and our kid. It’s officially hotel time.

    • anon

      When I was younger and lived in kind of a sad walk up in NYC it was nice to visit. Now that I live in DC and have a beautiful apartment with a balcony, laundry, a pool, husband, dog, etc. it’s terrible. Also in that fifteen year period, my mom’s house has become increasingly cluttered and unpleasant. I just spent a week there and almost cried when I got home because I was so happy. The key is to go for two nights, stay in a hotel, and ignore the guilt trips. But during the pandemic and because my mom is a guilt expert, I forgot this.

    • Anon

      I still love visiting my widowed mother (and her new husband) if I’m by myself. It is not as enjoyable when my husband comes with me, because then I see her quirks and annoying habits through his eyes, and even though he doesn’t complain I know he doesn’t enjoy being there. So I feel secretly annoyed at her for her quirks, and at my husband for not having more fun… and resolve to visit alone next time. Anyone else in that boat?

      • Anonymous

        Yes! Ironically, my mother and my husband are extremely alike, and they complain about the same things in each other. We recently moved closer and it is so nice to just pop over for an afternoon with my kids and leave him at home!

  13. Anonymous

    Hi – hoping that I can tap the collective wisdom of the group. I’ve spent the last few weeks reading piles of background information for my new job. I take notes to help me remain focused but my notes are so disorganized that they are of little help after the fact (apart from having a better understanding of the information). Does anyone have a note taking strategy that they love? For reference, I took terrible notes in college and mediocre notes in business school.

    • Anonymous

      Well, those notes got you through it, no? I feel like there are study-skills books for kids with ADHD that might be good for you perhaps? One called “that wrinkled paper was due last week” is about organization and I feel like good notes are half of this. Also, good graphic design — how do you title / organize / use your white space? I start everthing on a fresh page, with the date and day of the week in the upper right corner (yes, I am a Virgo, how could you tell?). But I like notes that I like to read. For studying, I’d go back and re-read, underlining important things. On the final pass, I’d highlight and then use the underlinings/highlighted items to organize an outline and finally a skeleton.

      If you have a friend who is good at note-taking and finding sensible abbreviations, can you ask to see how he/she has done things? I have some I’ve saved for decades b/c I really liked the job I did and enjoy just looking back for posterity (so good notes can spark joy, truly).

      Now that we’re homeschooling / zoom schooling, I am having to teach my kids this and realizing that it is a skill that they weren’t taught up until now.

    • Anon

      Oh man, I take the best notes. Clear headings and dates (I draw boxes around these and then underline sub-headings) helps a lot when I’m flipping back through notes to look for specific subjects.

    • Elderlyunicorn

      I mindmap religiously. It looks hairy at first but it’s amazing. Lots of resources on the internet and Mindjet Manager is an excellent program

    • Anon

      I took amazing notes in engineering school, once I learned how. Even if you are handwriting notes, include headings (middle of the page, underlined). Refer to “Figure 1,” “Figure 2,” etc. when you are drawing something out. Leave a line between concepts. Make copious use of underlines for new topics.

  14. Salagogo

    Any recommendations for executive coaching/leadership programs for women? I am looking into the Shambaugh ewill program in particular.

  15. Anon

    i know that this has been asked plenty, but any recs for those neck lanyard things. i want something very very basic that either Dh or I can use

  16. Anon

    Does anyone else disagree that the cowl neck makes this “more stylish”? I few like cowl necks have been out for a long time.

    • kk

      I dont think this is a cowl neck- it’s a funnel neck. And I thinks all relative- it’s more stylish than a hooded sweatshirt for sure. And funnel neck sweatshirts are all over the place right now- I really like my Gap quilted one from a few years ago.

    • Cat

      I think this is a cowl because of the layers of fabric drooping around the neck. Funnel to me is more like a turtleneck -stands up pretty straight, no fuss – but with a wider opening.

      Funnel looks more modern to me than cowl.

      • CountC

        I agree that this is cowl vs. funnel for the same reason. I love them both though!

    • Anonie

      I thought cowl necks were sort of timeless? Never super trendy (that I can remember) and never super dated?

  17. Tessa Karlov

    Birthday poster from yesterday reporting back! The salad was delicious, my friends were lovely as always, and the tiara was not satire.

  18. Anon

    What do you do when you work for a somewhat dysfunctional small company (“we’re all like family!”) and the CEO/president is very thin-skinned? You can’t make a suggestion about a benign company policy without her getting personally offended by it (and god forbid you try to identify a real problem). It’s having a chilling effect on some really serious issues, including pay gaps, some pretty egregious racial microaggressions, and the coronavirus response. It’s also an issue because she’ll make tiny or maybe even medium gestures that are sort of responsive to the problem, but act like it was an ENORMOUS sacrifice that we should all be so grateful to her for. Then that closes us off from actually finding real solutions (one time we were actually told “she doesn’t want to hear another word on this issue for the rest of 2019,” even though the “solution” she “very generously allowed” wasn’t responsive to any of the concerns that had been raised). Like, the fact that you paid to bring in donuts one day doesn’t mean you’re off the hook to address a serious allegation about racism at work, you know?

    The obvious answer is search for another job and I am, but I’m more concerned about some of my colleagues who don’t have as many options (or as big a safety net) as I do. I’d like to help if I can. My direct supervisor is really cool and supportive – do I try to raise the issue with her (even though she’s definitely aware of it)? Do I leave an anonymous review on Glassdoor? Do nothing and gtfo? One option might be to express an opinion in the company survey that they’re apparently going to be sending out (for the first time ever), but I’m a bit worried about retaliation.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Unfortunately, I think your company sucks and isn’t going to change. I wouldn’t assume the survey is anonymous.

      I think you can call out racism when you see it, continue to work on your job search, and make sure the folks still working there know they can count on you as a reference, part of their network, etc.

    • Anon

      The only way a company / boss like this will change is if it impacts the bottom line. Not being able to keep employees like you might do that.

      • Anonymous

        Wow. This sounds like my company! So hard to change the culture if the person at the top won’t change.

  19. HW

    For those of you who have stopped eating gluten, curious how long it took before you felt any positive effects? I’m trying to figure out what’s causing my persistent bloating. I have a doctors appointment in a week and a half, but figured I could try cutting out some common culprits in the meantime. I’m on day 3 of no dairy and no gluten with no discernible change so far.

    • anon

      If you cut out dairy and gluten, you won’t know which of the two was causing problems. You need to start with one thing at a time. I have celiac disease and have discerned absolutely no positive effects after stopping gluten. I was diagnosed by blood test and endoscopy after a family member was diagnosed and we all got tested. It’s been 13 years.

    • Anonymous

      It’s actually not helpful to your doctor to do this. Keep eating your normal diet. If they want you to try and elimination diet they’ll tell you. Cutting out gluten can mess up testing.

    • Anonymous

      I feel an almost immediate effect of cutting out (or eating) wheat. Gluten is not my problem, they just often coexist and sometimes I tell people I am looking for GF foods because that seems easier for.people to understand or identify because foods and menus are often marked for it. (It also annoys a subset of people to whom I then have to defend my phrasing. Sigh.) I agree that it makes sense to eliminate only one thing at a time if you are truly trying to find the cause of bloating. I can’t speak at all to the effect on testing.

    • Anon

      If your doc will be testing you for celiac, stay on the gluten or else you will have a false negative test.

      I think it took me a few weeks to a month to see a change.

    • Flats Only

      In addition to seeing if eliminating dairy and/or gluten helps, also try taking a break from fruit. Nothing makes me bloat up like a piece of fruit after lunch. I have relegated fruit to being an occasional dessert treat, vs. treating it like something healthy and eating it at least daily, and have felt much better. Fructose is not my friend, and it may not be yours either.

  20. Pink

    My cousin eloped a few weeks ago (I found out via social media). We’re not close, but I would like to send her a gift. I texted her and asked if that would be ok. She said yes, but she doesn’t have a registry. Any suggestions? I enjoyed reading the wedding registry thread a few days ago, but I’m struggling to land on just one thing to get her that might be useful and meaningful. Am I trying too hard? Just send her some champagne flutes and call it a day?

      • Anonie

        Yes! A check or a gift card to a home goods store of some type with a location in your cousin’s city. A nice card/note would be a sweet touch, too.

    • Anon

      Cash! Plus something small if you want to send something physical, but mostly cash is the way to go.

    • The original Scarlett

      I was so surprised at how many people sent gifts when I eloped – most common was champagne/bubbles (we’re still working through that supply!), favorite was restaurant gift cards (maybe less so right now), most creative and our favorite of “things gifts” was pretty rocks glasses and a good bottle of bourbon (we are much more into cocktails than bubbles but that’s just a personal preference).

    • Anon

      If they had photos done and you know her home decor style, a nice picture frame – or maybe a gift card to Framebridge? Good frames are a splurge

    • Anonymous

      My go-to gift when there is no registry is candlesticks or a vase from Tiffany & Co.

      • strawberry

        I think when people don’t register, they’re trying to avoid gifts like this. I’m always so surprised to see this recommended. Same with champagne flutes.

        At least send the gift receipt, at least?

        • Anonymous

          I think people who elope and don’t register don’t really expect wedding gifts at all. She asked for gift ideas. If she wanted to send money or gift cards she wouldn’t have asked.

        • anon

          I agree, Strawberry. I have no idea what I would do candlesticks (!!) or a fancy vase.

    • anonshmanon

      Bottle of booze and a very universal gift card (target or home depot), if not money outright.

    • anon

      I think a nice card is meaningful, and the gift is just a gift. TBH, I don’t remember the specifics of the vast majority of the gifts we received, other than 1 or 2 when it was very clearly special (our friend who bought us a Zojirushi rice cooker comes to mind). I’d skip the champagne flutes and get a gift card.

    • Anon

      I would NOT do champagne flutes. When I got married we got a few well meaning gifts like this, but then we had like 3 pairs of flutes which did not match each other, and we never really drink sparkling wines at home anyway. They ended up donated, and I fear in the landfill because I’m not sure who would buy them at a thrift store. A check or a gift card would have been better — we used all of our smaller checks towards a Dyson vacuum which is still going strong almost 10 years later (and we send thank yous noting that this is what the checks went towards).

      • Anon

        I actually love the look of mismatched glassware and dishes and silverware. I think it would be fun to have people over to drink champagne in three different sets of glasses.

        I also think it would be fun to have people over to drink champagne.

        I also think it would be fun to have people over.

        Sorry for the accidental covid threadjack.

    • Senior Attorney

      I have been married three times and my very favorite/most useful/most memorable gift of all was the box of small but useful kitchen tools that a law school classmate gave me for Wedding No. 2, including a small dustpan and whisk broom, a nicer-than-the-one-I-had box cheese grater, and a nice set of measuring spoons and cups (because you can never have enough of those). Just a thought if you’re into something useful.

    • Anon

      We didn’t quite elope but we had a <30 person wedding and no registry.

      We told anyone who asked what we would like that we preferred a donation to Children’s Hospital if they felt moved to do so. It was very nice that the hospital let us direct all gifts made in our honor to the Child Life department of the hospital, which is basically the playroom + bedside play for kids who are too sick to go to the playroom.

      We also got some wine glasses and an ugly clock we never used (it was meant to be a joke) but the wine glasses are broken now. The donations, on the other hand, resulted in many new annual donors to Children’s Hospital, so that gift continues to feel like the best one.

    • anon.

      What about a gift card to a restaurant and a nice picnic blanket that lives in the car (we like Monkey Mat – truly the best baby gift I got) – they can take themselves out on a nice outdoor date and have the blanket for awhile! Ours is years old and going strong.

    • AnonMPH

      Agree that you should send a nice card and cash/gift card to a home goods store that is their style. If you do want to send a token gift, not champagne flutes! We got three or four sets when we got engaged which was lovely and thoughtful of people but all but one of them were very ugly. So then we had guilt of getting rid of something with emotional value… Anyway, I think you’re good with a personal card and a gift being money focused.

    • Anon

      A gorgeous cheese board with cheese knives and a gift receipt.

      A lovely bottle of champagne.

      Gift cards to a fancy restaurant.

  21. NYC Biglaw

    Has anyone been following the uptick in fall bonuses at NY biglaw firms? For background, two big name firms have announced large fall bonuses and guaranteed the same high year end bonus as 2019. I’m a senior associate at a competitor firm and well placed to receive these bonuses. However I can’t get over a sense of frustration with the announcement and these (my) firms. The job has completely sucked for the past 6 months given the extremely high pace and the quarantine situation has obliterated any sense of life-work separate. I know I’m lucky to have a well paid job but… the cash doesn’t do much to offset the lack of personal life, vacation time or relaxation/enjoyment. Maybe just a sign that I should look to get out … guess I’m wondering how others have reacted to the news

    • Anonymous

      Oh. My. Goodness. Please try harder to be a better person. You worked hard and are getting handsomely rewarded for it. Many worked just as hard and lost their jobs anyway, took pay cuts, or still have insecurity. Dead god this is so tone deaf. No. Money doesn’t replace all the difficulty. But at least you get the cash!!! I truly cannot with this.

      • Curious

        This is a little harsh for a normal emotional reaction to something that feels unfair. “Someone has it worse” does not invalidate emotions.

        • Anonymous

          Yes come onnnnnnn. She’s making bucket loads of money and Getting Surprise More Money. And whining.

        • Anon

          I’m curious as to what feels unfair?

          She works in a field that is infamous for high pay but lots of work. She’s getting an extra bonus in recognition of the hard year. Plus her normal bonus.

          • Curious

            Ohhhh I thought that she was saying she got less bonus than them. Reading comprehension fail.

      • NYC

        Looking beyond the harsh language, I take your point and I actually plan to donate most of the bonus to charities since I don’t *need* the money. I just wish the firms rewarded us with genuine time off or hiring more associates so 2400 hrs wasn’t the expectation.

          • Anonymous

            It’s a fair critique of the business model though. “This is how it’s always been” isn’t a great reason for continuing to run a business in an inefficient way. We need people who are going to push for sensible change from the inside. Telling people – this is what you signed up for – just makes them want to quit, and then nothing improves.

          • Anonymous

            Respectfully, no vacation in over a year and 2400 billables is not the standard deal either. I know many friends at V10 firms billing around 2000 with several weeks of vacation (with only occasional interruptions)

          • Anon

            +1 this isn’t some surprise, this is what NYC BigLaw is (I’m neither in nyc nor am I a lawyer and I know this). Aside from pandemic related changes (which everyone is dealing with), things haven’t changed much. You’re very well compensated for this, you get a bonus for this, and this year you get another bonus for this.

            Other people are also working long hours in stressful conditions for lower salaries or without bonuses.

            Your bonus is many people’s salary. Your salary alone is my entire team’s salary combined.

          • Anonymous

            Not everyone signs up for big law firms for the money. Some are driven by training and access to sophisticated work Money + insane hours doesn’t help people motivated by that

        • Anonymous

          I’m with you, I don’t understand the logic of shelling out $100k bonuses instead of hiring more people so you can adequately staff matters.

        • anon

          Yeah, second what SA said. Yeah, biglaw’s a grind. It can be really awful. But the pay off is a very, very high salary and excellent future career potential. That’s how it operates. You’ve obviously been there long enough that you know the nature of the beast. If you would rather have more time for your personal life, look for a new job. You know you’re well placed– your reaction to the bonuses is probably a signal from your soul (not to be cheesy, just couldn’t find another way to articulate it) that it might be time to move on as biglaw no longer lines up with your priorities. That’s okay!

      • Anon

        This response was kind of uncalled for in its harshness….but I completely agree with the sentiment. This is a bit of a “read the room” situation. You’re getting on a women’s career site during a time when millions of people, including I’m sure many who read this site and complaining that you’re getting too well compensated…like really? This year has been hard on the entire world, but particularly the U.S. because *gestures wildly at everything*.

        I think you should maybe go to a biglaw specific website or Above the Law to vent about your extra huge bonuses.

        • Anon

          I know many ICU physicians and nurses who have had significant pay cuts. All where they are the ones on the frontlines taking care fo CV19 patients. And working way more, in more stressful circumstances, than normal.

          • Anon at 11:47

            +100

            Every healthcare professional I know, including those who worked on Covid units, got pay cuts.

        • Anon

          I live in a LCOL area and work for a family-friendly company, but I’m pretty sure her bonus is like my entire annual salary.

          It’s not just how tone-deaf it is… it’s how… disconnected from reality it is. Huge numbers of lawyers don’t ever earn that kind of money, and many, given their loans, would love to have the opportunity to do so.

          • Anonymous

            Perhaps. But when you live in NYC where cost of living is sky high and most of your friends work in these types of jobs- it’s not too different from you and your friend group in a LCOL area

    • Cat

      yeah, I left probably 75K on the table when I went in house as a senior associate due to the timing of leaving vs. bonus payouts (company gave me a signing bonus to compensate for some of it). But I bought my life back sooooo worth it.

    • anon

      I’m not familiar with the bonus schedule in biglaw, but did I read this correctly? Firms (including yours, OP) are announcing new (or higher) fall bonuses and steady year-end bonuses – isn’t that a good thing? Maybe this happens to coincide with you taking stock of your situation and realizing that you are overworked/unhappy. Or do you think if they had only announced a higher bonus then you’d feel more fairly compensated for the personal-trauma-extravaganza that is 2020?

      • Anon

        I read this as her being annoyed that they try to throw cash at a bad work situation rather than making structural changes to improve

        • anon

          oh right, I didn’t catch that from the original post! Will be interesting which industries see a shift (even just by degrees, not a revolution) from outdated “we have always done it this way/you knew this when you signed up for this career” practices, if large enough swathes of employees across the sector determine that they no longer value the tradeoffs of their industry.

    • Anon

      I’m the cranky government employee who posted a few weeks back (long story short have been working more than double my normal hours for most of the last 7 months, working on tough and draining projects, absolutely no work/life balance, all while receiving pay cuts ) So sounds like work wise we’re in the same boat.

      I think if you’re in big law and don’t feel as though the money makes it worth the hours/stress, I think I’d recommend looking for a new job.

      • Anon at 11:47

        Caveat that “work wise we’re in the same boat” as in hours and stress (…though my stress was often working in literal life or death situations)

        Except, I make 60k/year and got a pay cut and you make 6 figures and get two bonuses…

        For the record, this is why I’m a cranky govt employee!

        • Anon

          Exactly. I am a government attorney who is poorly compensated in the best of times. I love my work, and while I work far harder than many people think governmental attorneys work (although hardly Big Law—been there, done that) this is the deal. My work is greatly impacted by the pandemic, so I have worked 60-70 hours weekly since March. My “bonus?” A salary reduction. It goes with the territory, and I accept that. OP needs to stop whining and look for another job that better fits her personal balance.

      • anon a mouse

        This, exactly. The money is supposed to offset all your blood, sweat and tears. If it doesn’t, that is your way of knowing it’s time for something new. Use this as a wakeup call to figure out how you want to spend your time for the rest of your working life.

    • Anonymous

      I hope firms that had austerity measures will do this. I understood the reason for the paycuts at the time they were announced and I’m glad it (mostly) avoided layoffs. But now we’re 6 months into this thing and lots of firm’s numbers look great as a whole. If your practice area was super slow and you’ve been billing 20 hours/mo for the last 6 months, then no I don’t think you should get your 15% or whatever back. But if you’ve been billing 200+/mo and your time is getting collected, then the austerity measures were unnecessary and you should absolutely get your salary back.

    • Anon

      I’m very confused… would you rather not have the extra bonus? Because there are a heck of a lot of people working extremely long hours, without vacations, at personal risk due to being essential in person, etc who are getting pay/benefit cuts instead of extra bonuses.

    • Anon

      The problem is that one-time discretionary bonuses doesn’t translate well to hiring enough people to make a difference. People cost a lot more than their actual salary – think about the health insurance, technology, etc. and with the uncertainty in the economy, there’s a big risk that hiring more people = layoffs six months down the road if things get bad again, which is terrible for morale and reputation.

      If you’re not happy with the terms of the job that’s totally understandable but not getting a bonus and the firm hiring like 5 more junior associates isn’t going to fix that.

    • Anonymous

      I’m at a firm that maaaaaaay match (fingers crossed), but I understand what you’re saying. Big Law has been awful during the pandemic, particularly if you’re working from a small city apartment. You’re right that they aren’t going to solve the structural problems a with big law and understaffing and that the whole industry should consider that maybe burning people out cyclically isn’t the best approach.

      Gently, I think how you feel about this is reflective of your burnout and maybe that you need a little time away or a new job. And FAIR. If you do get a bonus, can I suggest directing some to a goal that you’ve been working towards and not just general savings. That may help you feel a little better, like it was contributing to x, and also some to some sort of donation connected to your work, be it to a pro bono organization you’ve worked for in the past or to scholarships for your law school and to really think about where you’ve given. When I was feeling really out of sorts due to the pandemic, helping others really helped me recalibrate my feelings and get out of my own misery.

      In terms of reading the room, I’d like to push back on that. Work and money are really emotional topics. And sometimes those emotions are frustration and sadness and feeling discontented. Sometimes they’re ugly because feelings are sometimes ugly and expressing them often helps us even out. That’s doubly so in the kind of situation we’re working in. This site is one of the vanishingly small number of places where I know that a high achieving women could express frustration with the conditions this kind of bonus generates. That doesn’t invalidate other people working in worse conditions. It just means this person has feelings she wanted to discuss with others in similar conditions.

      • NYC

        Appreciate the kind message. You’re correct that much of this feeling comes from burnout. I’m really trying to lean out and limit my work commitments to something reasonable (to biglaw) going forward

    • Full of ideas

      You should get out. I am in a similar situation and I am pumped. You did sign up for this…

  22. Hollis

    Sheet experts – should I be getting percale or sateen sheets? I can’t tell the difference. Also, is there cotton that’s less wrinkly? I hate ironing but hate polyester microfiber even more.

    • Monday

      If you can’t feel the difference and want to minimize wrinkles, sateen. I personally like percale better, but they do show wrinkles more easily.

    • pugsnbourbon

      If you don’t sleep particularly hot and don’t want wrinkles, I think sateen is the way to go.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Percale is crisp and cool and gets wrinkles more easily. Sateen is soft and a bit clingier and warmer.

    • Ribena

      I prefer percale, and I make peace with the wrinkles/ pull a blanket over the top. Life is too short to iron bed linen.

      • BB

        I remember about 8 years ago, we finally decided to walk into a fancy bedding store to get nice sheets and I was astounded that the salespersons mentioned ironing sheets! It had honestly never even occurred to me to be an iron-able thing.

  23. Anonymous

    I suspect there may be a lot of ladies here who have felt this so I’m hoping people chime in — have you lived a life where your professional/academic focus in your 20s and 30s was rock solid, so you made it your goal to get thru med school/residency/fellowship or law school/biglaw or get into a top 5 b school and do the investment banking grind or whatever it may be. And then you get there and are like ok now what and just don’t find motivation anymore?

    I did the top 5 law school thing followed by NYC biglaw; it was never my goal to stay in biglaw forever so I moved onto a government job which I like perfectly fine but after 5 years I know I don’t want to be a lifer and want to move on but I feel so blah in terms of searching for a job and even the prospect of going to the next job, working hard, proving myself etc. I don’t think this is burn out because it’s not like I work a ton in my current job, it’s more than feeling that nothing is exciting (work wise). And let’s be real I’m sure it’s being coupled by looking at my net worth and thinking — hmm do I really have to work THAT hard anymore?

    People I know in IRL all say oh you’re 40, that’s what happens, just keep working in the government for the paycheck, there’s more to life than work. But I really don’t want to be someone who dreads Mondays or is bored for 25+ more years. I’m not saying I expect to feel the go-go-go 100 hours a week or study for 36 of the 48 hours on a weekend kind of passion but I’d like to also not feel blah ALL the time. Anyone else felt this? Anything that jump started you? I have maybe 1 idea of a field I want to explore and I have grown pretty certain that if I stay in law I want to stay in my current location because I want to buy a house (I was previously a move for a good opportunity kind of person). Thoughts?

    • Anonymous

      I heard in church once that young people focus their lives on their resumes and after a certain point, the focus shifts to living the live as it will be recited in your obituary. Kind to animals? Pillar in the community? Reading tutor? Scout leader? I think you are shifting that there is more to you than your resume and that maybe you need to find a leisure / hobby / cause purpose.

    • anon

      I can relate a little bit. I feel like part of the internal shift for me was caused by me learning more about the one-and-only career goal (academia, so research professor), the more I advanced. I realized that big chunks of the work were making me deeply unhappy and were a bad fit. Those were parts of the job that I wasn’t aware of as undergrad or even grad student, but they would become more and more important as I climbed the ladder. I feel like I used to be laser focused on getting something while having a very incomplete idea of what that thing would be. I’m glad I realized that in time, and landed a job that is better in so many ways. But I sometimes wonder if this means that I am not ‘leaning in’, or not ambitious enough. Most of the time, I am able to tell myself that that’s just brainwashing, I don’t need to live to work.

    • anon

      I just turned 40 and relate to a lot of this. I don’t dread going to work on Mondays, but I’m not on fire about my career anymore, either. As I’ve been promoted, I do less of the stuff I initially loved about my field and a whole lot more stuff that doesn’t have immediate feedback/payoff. And, to some extent, I think that’s bound to happen at some point. I do miss my early-career days sometimes because it was all so exciting. Now it’s mostly not exciting, with a few good moments that make it feel worthwhile. My greatest passions and interests have turned to things outside of work. And, I’m OK with that tradeoff, at least for now. These are my years to build my nest and security, but I decided several years ago that I did NOT want a live-to-work lifestyle.

  25. Anon

    So curious to hear other biglaw attorneys thoughts about the DPW (and now Milbank) bonuses. Did not think we’d see something like this earlier this year. What do you think the effects of the bonus will be to the firms who pay it and the ones who don’t? Do you think most biglaw firms will match?

    • Anonymous

      I suspect this will lead to greater comp difference between law firms (see: how many firms didn’t move to 190). Also shocked by how well firms are doing in this economy.

    • Anonymous

      I wish people could see these for what they are: making downmarket firms under pressure to throw $ at associates, who before more unprofitable and are given less time to develop before they are ultimately fired. My city has firms matching NYC BigLaw. It makes sense if you are one of those firms. The second, makes sense on a good year. Everyone else: not a prayer. Associate up/out pressure will just be more intense and stealth layoffs will follow.

      It’s great for DPW people. Ultimately, it makes associates unaffordable to keep around.

      • Anonymous

        Further to this – it makes it much harder to advocate for better work/life balance. For associates (and partners!) to have reasonable schedules, you have to be able to properly staff matters to spread out the work. If you can’t hire as many associates because they’re too expensive, then there are fewer people to do the work, which means matters are chronically understaffed and attorneys are chronically overworked.

      • Anon

        I’m not in BigLaw but that’s very obvious to me. Only a tiny number of firms can really afford to play this game; everyone else, even if their lawyers are brilliant and outstanding, has to be “second best.” It also drives up the cost of law school tuition; the huge salaries let law schools charge more (because look at all the money you’ll make), with very obvious trickle-down effects to lower-ranked schools.

    • Anon

      I don’t think there will be widespread matching. I think DPW saw an opportunity to show that they are a market leader in comp. Their true peer firms can and will match but I suspect it will not be as widepread as bonus matching historically has been. Or if those firms do, it won’t be good for associates who will have just gotten too expensive to keep around.

    • Full of ideas

      Not exactly on point but firms that didn’t cut salaries or lay people off are already seeing an increase in laterals and better recruiting from top schools. I think that is a better indicator of a firm’s commitment to it’s associates than bonuses.

  26. Anon

    Book-burning videos of J.K. Rowling’s books are trending on TikTok. These times are incredibly disturbing for so many reasons, but this is just insane.

      • anonshmanon

        to be fair, #RIPsomecelebrity is trending all the time, and it’s trolling people of any political stance, or random actors, athletes, what have you. I know canceling J K Rowling is en vogue these days, but the RIP hashtag is also people creating chaos.

    • Lily

      I would be bothered by it, but I’m pretty sure JKR doesn’t care if some morons burn her books or call her names, so I’ve chosen to feel pity for the people who despite loving Harry Potter are burning books or calling her Voldemort. It must be really hard for them to feel so conflicted.

      I will continue to love the books and respect JKR’s right to voice her opinions, which as far as I am concerned, are not transphobic.

      • Anon

        I think that’s why she has infuriated people SO much – they can’t cancel her. She hasn’t been cowed. She hasn’t come back begging for an apology and promising to educate herself. The Twitter activists aren’t used to that, especially when they’ve set their sights on a woman (they seem to think women are soft targets) and it’s driving them mad.

        • Anonymous

          Lol.no. Apologies aren’t usually forthcoming when the offenses are so deliberate & extensive.

        • Anon

          This is it. Cancel culture doesn’t know what to do when they don’t win, so they’re going mad.

        • Anonymous

          IDK – It’s pretty much killed her reputation. Like she’s just an internet troll now, not a respected author. A book about a cross-dressing serial killer? Like really? Trolling on the internet wasn’t enough for her that she had to write a troll book too?

          Book burn is obv. dumb but she’s just as eyerolly.

          • Anon

            Speak for yourself. I love her books and respect her as a person and an author. Her essay on her views was sensitive, nuanced, and eye-opening. Most people I know (on both the left and right) feel the same.

          • Anon

            Disagree. JKR sucks and I love watching her get dragged. She’s been the object of ridicule ever since she started inventing details about Dumbledore’s backstory just to stay relevant. Her insatiable need for attention has now backfired spectacularly.

          • Anonymous

            Hard disagree. Never got into Harry Potter, but I applaud anyone who stands up to the mob.

          • Jess C.

            Her reputation is fine and intact with me, and I cosign Anon at 11:29’s sentiment entirely. Signed, another card-carrying liberal

        • Anon

          This is the left’s version of the right wing “own the libs” BS. It’s just as self-destructive and ineffective.

        • Anon

          This is the left’s equivalent of the right burning Kapernick jerseys a few years back…like, you already paid for it, what a dumb form of protest

      • Ribena

        It is really hard to feel conflicted, you’re right. I grew up with those books, they helped me find a home in the fandom. I have made some peace by separating the fandom from the author (see the discussions in the Oh Witch Please reboot podcast episode).

        Her comments absolutely are transphobic.

        • Anonymous

          Agree.

          Also, I lol’d about all the Anon posters responding to the OP on this thread. Like the OP didn’t even notice that the autofill is Anonymous not Anon so they are clearly the same person who forgot change their screen name. If you leave ‘Name’ blank, it autofills Anonymous not Anon.

          Everyone I know loves the books and thinks JK is an attention seeking drama queen.

          • Anon

            I’m the OP and I wrote the original post and the response at 11:29. That’s it.

          • Anon

            I’m an Anon who wrote exactly one reply. Lots of use that handle. Don’t assume it’s brigading by one person. In fact, I think m0d prevents that.

            There are lots of us who are sick of cancel culture.

          • Anon

            I have not posted on this thread but I usually post as “Anon” on this site generally, as do many people. It’s not a conspiracy — it’s what keeps me out of moderation. Leaving it blank (“Anonymous”) send me to mod. I’m not inclined to pick a consistent name because I’ve seen how easy it is for people to track someone down based on generic details.

          • Anon

            I use the Anon handle too (including on this thread)! I think many people do for various reasons.

          • anon

            What exactly are you sick of though? Because cancel culture isn’t a thing. People are rightfully unhappy with JK’s transphobia but it obviously hasn’t affected her livelihood — she’s still wealthy and still publishing books.

          • Anonymous

            Obv tons of ppl use Anon but I’ve never seen another thread where all of the first responses – like 5-6 ppl are all Anon. Btw that and the writing style, the comments are clearly OP

          • Anon

            Obv tons of ppl use Anon but I’ve never seen another thread where all of the first responses – like 5-6 ppl are all Anon. Btw that and the writing style, the comments are clearly OP

          • Anon

            I think you’re having a hard time accepting that not everyone agrees with you. You should probably spend some time outside your own bubble.

          • Anonymous

            Cancel culture absolutely is a thing and always has been — if not please tell Wagner, Lovecraft and the Duchess of Windsor.

          • Anon

            I don’t understand what point you’re trying to make by bringing up other extremely famous people to claim that they’ve been canceled. They might not be universally liked but that’s never been true of anyone, has it?

        • Anon

          I’m an Anon who hasn’t posted before in this discussion, but I agree with the conversation upthread that her opinions, which I do not find transphobic, are her right, and she shouldn’t be silenced by an internet mob of any sort. And I’m woke.

          • Anon

            the point is that she’s not being silenced. she published a new book FFS. “cancel culture” is just blue check marks incensed that the unverified masses have dared to disagree with them & those of you who keep citing free speech don’t seem to understand that it goes both ways.

    • Anon

      The same sort of people book burning now are the same sort that would never read it because *WITCHCRAFT* or on the opposite end are so fake woke no reasonable person could listen to them without rolling their eyes. Trolls in real life. Ignore.

      • Anon

        Idk, I think it’s important to stay aware of what people on the fringes are doing. They’re having a larger impact on social discourse than they used to.

    • Anon

      I don’t understand why J.K. Rowling feels the need to constantly be discussing this topic publicly. It doesn’t appear to have anything to do with her personally, she knows that what she says hurts and angers people, why doesn’t she just keep her thoughts off of Twitter on this one?

      • Anon

        Of course it has to do with her. It has to do with all women. If I were her and I were getting viciously attacked for posting sentiments like “biology exists,” I would stand up for myself too.

        • Anonymous

          You’d stand up for yourself by writing a book about a cross dressing serial killer.

          Weird flex but okay.

          • anony

            And there are hundreds of thousands of books about straight cisgendered serial killers. If anything, she is giving cross dressers representation.

      • Anon

        This is hilarious. When someone voices an opinion you don’t like, it’s all “what she says hurts and angers people,” so she needs to not say it. When someone is just not engaging in the debate, it’s all “racist/sexist/transphobic to not be an ally” or rude comments about how people are selfish for only thinking about their own issues.

        You lost the trans debate, okay?

  27. Anon

    Live in a former Covid hot-spot (think NYC, Boston, Chicago) that has greatly improved but could get bad again easily due to urban density + nice weather for outdoor gatherings coming to an end. My biglaw firm has been WFH since March, and earlier this summer started allowing people to come back to the office. I assumed this was a voluntary option for people who don’t want to WFH, but today we got a scathing email that attorneys need to be coming into the office. I’m so upset. Before Covid my communications with coworkers were 100% via email or phone, even when we were all physically in the office, why force us to come in and risk an outbreak? I LOVE working from home and will look for a new job if it comes down to it. That’s my rant, thanks.

    • Anonymous

      Right there with you. I’ve been coming to the office a couple of mornings a week, after being pressured to do so. No one even talks to each other, we’re all supposed to have our doors closed. What is the point?

    • Anon

      The president keeps tweeting that WFH is not good and offices in big cities need to come back. It’s not difficult to believe that CEOs of big firms are taking note.

  28. Consumer Therapy update for Vicky Austin

    I did not go and buy more sheets, I just folded a sheet and thinner blanket in half (I purchased nail polish, new comfy clothes, organizing bins for my yarn as my therapy). I now happily sleep in a version of a finely made layered Pottery Barn bed and my husband gets his prison bed! We are both happy and I highly recommend (if he sleeps hot, have him buy the twin set so he’s not layered in, I love being toasty warm so it wasn’t an issue with me)! (Sorry, I know you and my husband are on the same side here, but I said what I said. Prison Bed.) Making the bed isn’t a problem, especially because I have the bottoms of my sheet/blanket securely tucked under the matress at the foot of the bed, so in the morning I just straighten my side and throw the shared comforter on top.

    • Vicky Austin

      Oh, thank you so much!!! I forgot who was on which side and agreed with you wholeheartedly about Prison Bed until I realized you meant without sheets…agree to disagree, haha. I appreciate your field-testing!

      • Consumer Therapy

        I’m justdoing the Lord’s work over here. Much love and here’s hoping you too figure out the perfectly weird combo of bedding.

  29. BB

    Wondering if this is a professional faux pas: I have the opportunity to speak with the parent of one of my team reports for a 100% work-related thing (she knows her kid works for me). Would it be weird at all to mention that their child is an amazing high performer? I’m unsure because this feels to me like that thing where you would never share work info with someone’s parents, but maybe in this case it would be weird if I didn’t say something?

    • Anon

      Slightly different situation but the daughter of one of my old friends used to work for me. I didn’t fish had her daughter’s performance with her. I just said daughter was a delight to have in the office (which is true, daughter has an amazing, fun personality.) Mom always appreciated hearing that.

    • Vicky Austin

      My parents met my boss a while back and my boss very graciously said she loved working with me. They were over the moon to hear her say that. I think it would be nice as long as you weren’t too specific.

    • AFT

      I think saying something about the daughter that you would say about a colleague to another social acquaintance – along the lines of “delight” suggested above – is fine. Saying something related to performance more specific than “she’s been such a great addition to the team” could veer towards the weird.

    • Anonymous

      I guess it depends on the context. It’s pretty normal to mention mutual acquaintances, and perfectly fine to say something like, it’s a real pleasure to work with Jane I’m so glad she’s on our team. I would avoid saying something that sounds like a report card or parent/teacher conference.

  30. Mal

    Have any of you had any luck fixing your snoring?
    I have garden-variety snoring – not sleep apnea related, just the kind that keeps my boyfriend awake, yea! I’m almost 30, not excessively overweight, so I’d like to know if any of you have had luck with any fixes. Appreciate it!

    • No Problem

      Have you had it evaluated by a sleep specialist? If not, I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss sleep apnea. You don’t have to be overweight to have sleep apnea, though of course it is a risk factor.

      But regardless, snoring is all the same mechanism (air trying to get through a restricted airway) regardless of whether it causes just a loud noise or also causes apnea (stopping of breathing). As someone who has slept (or…been unable to sleep) beside the snoring boyfriend, I can say that sleeping position matters a lot. Sleeping on your back will probably cause more snoring than sleeping on your side, provided that you have the right pillow to align your head and neck. My dad was also a lifelong snorer until he started sleeping on a wedge pillow and then eventually an adjustable bed so that his head was elevated.

      But if you get evaluated by a sleep specialist or an ENT, they’ll be able to tell you where in your airway is being restricted to cause the snoring. It could be your external nose and be helped by those nose strips, it could be further up in your sinuses, or it could be in your mouth/throat. It could be you have some extra material up there that needs to be surgically removed, or that gets in the way in certain sleeping positions but not others.

    • No Face

      Added flonase to my morning and night routines. That dramatically cut down the number of times by husbands gets up in the middle of the night to sleep on the couch. Flonase sensimist was more effective for me than normal flonase.

    • Anon

      Not at all what you asked, but I moved to a separate bedroom in response to my husband’s repeated complaints about my snoring. I am now getting great sleep but my husband is wearing earplugs to drown out the snores of our dog, who I had long indicated was the culprit.

    • Anonyz

      Propping up in bed. Not just a bunch of lumpy pillows, but a steady incline like one of those foam wedges.

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