Weekend Open Thread

161 Comments

1. I am so curious about reading and commenting patterns here. How frequently do you check in on threads here, how often do you comment, and for those who primarily lurk, what is your opinion of the commentariat these days?

   1. Some days I comment frequently, others not at all. I tend to check threads first thing in the morning and between projects throughout the day when I need to shift gears, like a mental palate cleanser.

      I do find the lack of reading comprehension astonishingly high for a blog that aims at such an educated crowd.

      1. I do the same. I suspect the lack of reading comprehension stems from this, though. I’m often reading on my phone while waiting for something or I start to reply and then something comes up that I need to deal with, so I have to finish my comment quickly without reading it over, which allows sloppiness to slip in. It’s a way to fill odd bits of time, not my real job.

         1. +1.

      2. I’ve been a daily reader since maybe 2009. On average I find this board to be a super positive and helpful place, but with a generous side of negative projection and personal attacks. I think that coincides with the lack of reading comprehension. People see what they want to see and use that as an excuse to release stress and frustration. It is undoubtably a safe space for that behavior.
         I comment occasionally, maybe zero to 10 times a week.

         1. A long time ago, someone here said the etiquette and social questions are Rorschach tests and the answers reveal more about the answer giver than the question asked. And I’ve thought about them that way ever since.

            I think that is quadruply true for any questions about people’s mothers or children; you can really, really tell which commenters identify with the mother and which identify with the child.

         2. I agree with you and yet have still been surprised at just how abusive the crowd can be to a vulnerable commenter – there have been some very obvious mob mentality effects. I’ve also been surprised at how many vile comments are allowed to stay up, even understanding that clicks drive revenue. It’s unusual for smaller, privately managed pages.

            1. I appreciate that there is an assumption that women are tough enough to handle unpleasant comments. It seems like truly vile comments (celebrating murder, etc.) are removed, which I think is sufficient.

            2. I disagree – we don’t have to defend personal insults and attacks. Women are tough, but it doesn’t mean they appreciate being treated that way. Or that it adds good to the conversation.

            3. As you note, there are plenty of websites that take a different approach, so if you prefer heavy moderation, you are rich with choices for places to spend your time. I prefer the light touch and frank talk here.

            4. I had a different reply that seems to have been eaten, so sorry if this shows up twice. But basically, as you note, the default on the internet is a heavier hand than is applied here. That means most other places will be a better fit for you if that’s what you prefer. As for me, I really do prefer the frank discussions that the light touch facilitates.

            5. I agree on the light touch – it definitely results in better conversations. A “look, you need to accept that your husband is not going to change” is also very different from “omg what even is this, of course your husband is doing that, I’d do it too if I were married to such a main character princess.”

            6. I do agree that they’re different, but I don’t think that either needs to be removed. And I don’t really think that the content of those messages is similar enough that the analogy holds up.

               A better analogy might be “omg what even is this, of course your husband is doing that, I’d do it too if I were married to such a main character princess.” vs “Kindly, I think your husband is reacting reasonably to the behavior you are describing yourself doing, and I think you need to carefully evaluate how you’re approaching this.” But again, I don’t think either of those is a problematic comment that needs removing, even if I’d like to believe I’d always phrase my comments in the second way.

            7. Look I read for the spicy comments. I have enough carefully edited things to read at work. This would be no fun without the super frank replies. I skim anything that starts with “kindly” and goes into therapy speak.

            8. I don’t find the comments take down worthy just because they’re blunt. If I wanted overly soft and pandering, I’d read Cup of Jo.

            9. Yeah, I often find that people who are being extraordinarily rude and nasty hide behind “blunt” or “direct.” You would never say these comments to someone’s face. You would get fired for saying them at work.

            10. And that’s exactly why I like them – people are so filtered in real life now that it can throw you off. You get the sense everyone is holding back their real thoughts and I like seeing them expressed for a change.

            11. Agree. None of my friends will actually tell me if I’m the problem in my own life. I appreciate having a place that will, and bluntly. If it’s not for you, there are a million other places on the internet that will soft pedal things for you.

   2. This may not be your intent, but this comment seems like it’s inviting people to bash others.

      1. If you have positive things to say, definitely say them!

      2. My new favorite commenter is definitely the overly-concerned person. She seems really worried that you will have too much money or too much protein or your car will be either too old or too new. She’s worried your wedding dress will make people judge you and that your judgment of someone else’s dress is so so wrong. Are you going on vacation? She’s worried if you’re kind to the locals and also worried that if you flood their area with currency, it will go to the wrong people. She’s never worried about worrying too much but she doubles-down on almost all these takes and weirder ones. In fact I’m kind of worried about her

   3. I have a strange job that’s slow 85% of the time, so I refresh the comments frequently on those slow days at work. Reading the comments makes me feel connected to other humans, so it’s definitely part of my routine.

      1. Same. I had a busy job and stopped checking for a few years. But most of my jobs are solitary desk jobs, and I crave stimulation and conversation. Social media is mostly garbage and this is more thought provoking and relevant to my life. But I probably check an embarrassing amount.

         1. +1

      2. Same here. I’m in a mostly solo fire drill role, so I’m here a lot on days when there aren’t many and not at all when there are a lot. It also makes me feel connected to other people since I’m in a role where that’s not really a big thing.

   4. I read all the time, but usually after threads are active. When I do comment, it’s because I happen to have the time when commenters are currently engaging, otherwise I don’t bother. And I usually only comment to add information/links/answer a question where I have specific knowledge, etc., I don’t really engage with some of the more lively debates just because I don’t have the time to be thoughtful.

   5. I have an easy job with a lot of downtime so I check the threads a few times a day. I don’t comment unless I have a strong opinion or recommendation that hasn’t already been mentioned. If there are lots of comments on a post I usually don’t engage in the debate because I don’t have time to read through all of the comments. There are a lot of contrarians and just plain rude people here so I tend to direct my questions to ChatGPT when possible. (Cue the comments scoffing at this.). It is interesting to see groupthink in action – a lot of people will agree with the first comment on a post and make the same assumptions as the first commenter instead of forming their own opinion.

      1. I think people say the same thing because they don’t see all the other similar comments that are delayed due to moderation. I don’t post if someone’s already said the same thing, but you often can’t see that it’s been said until hours later.

   6. I WFH so I read on my breaks. I don’t always comment though.

   7. I’m a daily reader. If it’s a slow day or I’m on a long call that’s only partially relevant to me, I’m all over. If it’s busy I might check in over a lunch break only. It’s a nice social outlet in an office that’s not very chatty.

      In general I appreciate tough love that doesn’t get into name calling.

   8. I’ve been here since practically the beginning (2008 or 09?). I am trying to comment less, because I refresh the page more obsessively when I’ve commented – I’m more invested in the conversation. I comment more on the moms page, but I’m also having to back away a little bit there. It’s easy to get wrapped up into arguments, for me, and if I feel like I’ve been misunderstood (easy to do with short comments) I want to clarify and convince. I’m mostly home these days so it does feel like a way to be connected to other adults, most probably not in my industry or with my general life perspective. I’ve found the mob mentality is increasing – or at least the “gotcha”. I commented with what I thought was kind of a funny story this morning and the first reply was accusing me of being rude. I guess sometimes people need a reality check, but there’s a definite leap to putting people down in many comments.

      1. I definitely feel defensive and like I need to set the record straight when the mob mentality comes for me here – there have been some truly warped fantasy narratives in the responses that have been hurtful. It just makes it worse. Now that the shutdown is over I won’t have much time for reading here and it’s probably a good thing for me personally.

         1. Yes. I am already planning to give up visiting these pages for Lent, lol. I appreciate the community and the light hand with moderating, and do find it interesting, but to me it can also become a doom scroll / rage bait situation. Sometimes I also comment in haste and feel bad for my tone after the fact (on the moms page I’ll go back and edit, but here there’s no option).

   9. I am on Eastern time so tend to take a break at work mid morning and sometimes again mid afternoon to read. I sometimes travel for work or am put on a course that prevents me for a few weeks at a time. I also generally don’t read during my one month summer holiday. Probably one day a week I am too heavily scheduled and busy and miss a day. I comment, like someone else said, if I have a recommendation no one else has mentioned or just to chime in like this. I am commenting late tonight because I am on duty and need to have my phone next to my bed (it is usually ever in my room) and I was trying to finish today’s NTY Spelling Bee but I am usually in bed by 9:30!

   10. I found the Moms page first a couple of years ago. I read over there almost daily on my lunch break and then rechecking after work if a thread caught my interest. I probably comment over there a couple of times a week. I’ll jump over here a couple of times per week and maybe comment once a month.

       I clearly find y’all interesting since I keep coming back. The vibe here seems fairly unchanged from when I first started visiting two years ago. I’ve gotten some great recommendations (and am excited/proud to have given some). If I’m positing something personal- I’d do it on the Moms page rather than here.

2. If you are a new lawyer and were trained all / partly remotely and it went well (you learned stuff, you advanced, you feel like you know what you are doing), please comment on exactly what your trainer did that was helpful and what worked. Especially if you do transactional work.
   I need to get and train a junior because I need to reduce hours and offload work due to family and eldercare responsibilities. And because of that, while I will be in the office for core hours (10-4, 4-5 days a week), I am often WFH mornings and nights (but truly working odd hours to fit it all in; I’d like to scale back but need to scale someone up first). Help me figure out what I can do to make this work.

   1. Honestly, that’s a significant amount of time in the office. I wouldn’t worry about “remote” training in that case.

      1. It is — it’s just that I try to be really present when I can be because sometimes I get to spend a week in a hospital or rehab discharge or going around to various doctors. Sometimes it’s just 3 days a week. You truly never know. And I’d love to have someone who could just take over for me, but first I have to get them to a point where they are useful. With juniors coming from remote law school and remote work, I feel like the balance of the universe has shifted in terms of in-school training and workplace norms. I still see early-years training as an apprenticeship where you really need in-person co-working to really absorb how things are done and to make sure you get the concurrent candid feedback that keeps you from making errors or just being seen as unresponsive.

   2. Are you a solo? If you want to really reduce your workload, you might want to consider hiring an experienced Of Counsel instead of a junior you need to train.

      1. No, but a SME in a huge firm where central hiring has been a nightmare and because I’m specialized and senior I can finally get a person just for me. But I’m a bit petrified that I will do it all wrong even though I think I did a great job of training before COvId (and before my life getting all complicated, including juniors in other offices). Now? I’m not assuming it will go smoothly, especially if they won’t be present in the office (which is a joke — only people only 40 seem to go in, so I’m worried I can’t enforce what I think is needed initially even though I wouldn’t insist on it with a competent and responsive junior).

   3. IME, transactional juniors learn from other juniors, experienced paralegals, midlevels, and occasionally seniors. They learn from being copied as they “watch the deal go by”, they learn from shadowing calls. Some things (like eagle-eyed attention to detail and understanding how heavy of a pen to take to a markup depending on the deal/nego leverage/what your client wants) takes a long time to learn.

      But in general, the faster you say, “Here’s a good precedent, please adapt it for the deal” or “Sally the midlevel on the deal should be your first point of contact for questions” is most important.

      Also–set expectations regarding responsiveness, what they should do if they don’t hear from you, how much you want them to prod you to babysit internally and externally if a deal isn’t moving.

      Make sure they understand how to do signature pages, how to version up, how to use docusign, how to run a closing.

      Without knowing more about what specialty within transactional you are, can’t give more advice than that!

      –Longtime transactional atty, have trained many juniors, even in remote times

      1. I’m a transactional attorney who didn’t explicitly get most of what Anon 3:38 says you should train on, and I co-sign all of it. You might need or want to send the junior to a paralegal or assistant (signature pages, docusign, versioning, how all of those interact (sig page footers matching the rest of the doc, for example, even when you’re doing slip pages or making changes to the end). Relatedly, you should help a junior understand the resources available (Word processing, secretarial services, paralegals, research help), what those resources can do, and what the junior can/should do herself versus what she can/should hand to someone else.

3. What are your best tips for finding your foundation shade? I honestly have no idea if I’m pale, cool, neutral. When I last went to Sephora I was the palest shade in every of the 10 foundations I tried but I don’t feel that pale in real life.

   1. Asking a neutral (ha!) third party. Like a good friend, with good lighting, but with a variety of testers. TBH, I never thought $ spent on a consultation was wasted if it was foundation-focused. I loved Prescriptives back in the day and something like that for free at a makeup counter might also be good. We had a Bare Minerals store once and I always thought that they did a good job with foundation.

   2. Take this for what it’s worth, but the conventional advice is to match your neck. Well, my neck is paler than my face. When I match the neck and jaw, I look like the crypt keeper. It’s seriously bad. So I use the shade that actually works for my face and just make sure it blends well around the jawline.

   3. Last time I was in Sephora, the sales associate used an app on her phone/device to match my skin and it was a very good match — and in the tube/tester it would have looked too light for me, I wouldn’t have tested it.

      1. Same, it was helpful and saves it in your Sephora account to make it easier to find your shade in other foundations

   4. I encourage you to go to a makeup counter in a department store where they can test on you AND then go outside in the daylight and really look at your neck in the mirror. Also, see how the foundation wears over a few hours–does it oxidize, crease, make your skin dry or oily. Then go back and buy the following day or next weekend.

   5. Bobbi Brown makeup counter in a department store. Once you get your shade, you can enter it online at places like Sephora and they will spit out suggestions in other brands.

      1. Bobbi Brown does not work for cool-toned skin and looks orange even on warm-toned skin.

   6. Just trying them out and usually over time, you’ll find you’re the same thing – I’m always the second lightest shade in every line. Makes it easy to guess and try.

4. Does anyone have recommendations to share on high quality (or mid-tier quality) crewneck cashmere sweaters? I was astounded at how pilled some of the Jcrew cashmere looked in store, and also wasn’t impressed with Banana Republic’s lightweight cashmere crewnecks. Where else should I be looking?

   1. I’ve really liked the quality of Borden’s cashmere for the price

      1. Same. I just got them, but I have a couple of Boden cashmere crewnecks that I’m liking.

   2. Alex Mill has beautiful cashmere sweaters.

   3. Neiman Marcus house brand cashmere. If you can wait until after Christmas there will be decent markdowns.

   4. Bloomingdale’s house brand Aqua, or the Saks house brand.

5. Chapter 13 here. It happened again, with my close friend/family member commenting that I don’t have the money to do something. This time it was about moving. I got very upset about a new policy at my apartment building that limits guests. This policy was actually put in place because we have a LOT of crime in my complex and they are trying to curb it. I have not liked my apartment situation for a while because of the crime, and now the new guest policy is just the last straw. I mentioned that I am interested in possibly breaking my lease and moving elsewhere. She commented that that would be “thousands of dollars that I don’t have.” I finally lost it. This was over text so I said “I have money now, thanks.” She never answered so I added, “I don’t think we should be commenting on each other’s financial situations. It makes me very upset.” Now she’s giving me the silent treatment and ghosted me on other plans we had previously set. I knew saying something would make her pull away from the relationship, as ridiculous as I think that is. But I had to draw this boundary, right? AITA?

   1. Good riddance to anyone who tries to give me silent treatment! No adult has time for that nonsense.

      1. +1. NTA

      2. OMG yes. For me, anybody who dares try The Silent Treatment on me is out of my life.

      3. Or she got too busy to deal with the drama this person is bringing to the text chain.

      4. A non response to a text is not “the silent treatment “. Come on.

         1. I agree.

         2. Followed by ghosting on a plan.

   2. In trying to find the right words to say this but having a hard time doing so. Please know this is coming from a good place and, like many on here, I’m so proud of you for digging your way out of a massive hole that must have felt insurmountable at times.

      I think you need to find a therapist to unpack some of this. These behaviors from other family members make me think you got into chapter 13 in the first place because of comments from family members making you feel you should behave in a certain way. Those behaviors and choices didn’t serve you then and they aren’t serving you now.

      I also worry for you that these comments are going to knock your confidence over time. It’s not the first time you have posted about family not being supportive.

      The last thing you need is your confidence knocked. I think a couple of therapy sessions to figure out some good coping strategies would be helpful.

      1. She doesn’t need therapy. She just has a friend who said something inappropriate one too many times and she told her how it is. Hopefully the relationship can continue, but if not, that’s apparently how it is.

         1. It’s not a friend. It’s a friend/family member. I’m assuming it’s an aunt or cousin.

            This is one of multiple times this poor lady has reported this type of treatment. It’s very toxic behavior and I assume it’s been multiple family members, not just this one person.

            It’s very difficult to cut family off. Friends are so much easier to cut off.

      2. 1,000 percent. You need to unpack all this. Why did you overspend in the first poace. Why are you so sensitive to others comments. That person was just trying to help and you obviously do not have good instincts about money. It is a waste to break a lease.

         1. This.

            1. I do agree that breaking a lease in NYC can be a big, expensive deal.

   3. You are definitely NTA.

      1. +1.

   4. I would be infuriated if a friend kept commenting on my finances. There’s no way this can go on without some kind of push back. Sorry this happened.

      1. Agreed. It’s never appropriate.

   5. I feel like I’ve missed a post, because without any context besides what you wrote, how strong you are reacting is surprising, and indicates that more is going on. That ‘more’ could be a hundred different things though, so it’s impossible to provide an opinion.

   6. Why does anyone know that you filed for bankruptcy?

      1. Yeah, if you share, be prepared for people to become invested in you. That means butting in. I don’t share anything with anyone, not because that’s a healthy coping strategy, but because I have no tolerance for explaining myself.

      2. THIS!! Why did you tell anyone. Keep your finances to yourself. If you blab it around you need to expect comments.

         1. What a sad way to live – never confiding in a friend for support. She’s not blabbing it to the world.

            1. Actually she kind of is. I’m in London. What country are you in?

      3. 100%. If you don’t want comments on finances, don’t share your finances.

         1. Found the obnoxious family member

   7. 1) NTA
      2) Silent treatment is sooooo destructive in relationships. Hold the boundary because the silent treatment does a lot of negative things, but is designed to make you doubt yourself and punish you.
      3) Live your best life and do what you have to do. You don’t have to justify yourself to someone else, just make sure the decision is right for you.
      4) Girl, get out of that apartment building!

   8. I would say NTA, but I would discuss it with them in person. Let them know how you feel about what you perceive as judgment. Also recognize though that they may perceive it as a continuation of support/advice they’ve given in the past.

   9. Your text was needlessly strong if this was the first time you set the boundary. You could’ve started with “hey, I don’t love hearing comments about my finances. They’re in a much better place now.” I’d be ignoring you, too, if that text seemed to come out of nowhere. I don’t like people who don’t communicate what they want until they’re already “very upset.”

      If you’d previously set the boundary and are now enforcing it, that’s different.

      1. Why would you give a friend the silent treatment instead of communicating yourself?

         1. Because I would read that text as them throwing a bit of a tantrum, and I’d be giving them space to compose themselves and apologize.

            1. Don’t kid yourself – you’d be doing this to punish her and not to “give space.”

            2. It’s not about “punishing” someone. It’s about not wanting to be around someone who isn’t in control of their tongue until they get back in control of their tongue. (Or I guess, their fingers in this case).

               I also walked out of the room when my abusive ex husband called me a bitch. Was that punishing him? Or was that not wanting to be around someone who was not communicating calmly? You read it however you want; I am very confident that letting people who are upset cool down is a better strategy than engaging with them.

            3. Yep. This was a tantrum. OP, own what you shared with people and adjust your expectations.

            4. If that were really your motive, you’d say something like “let’s talk in a few days once we’ve had some space.” Full on ST followed by ghosting is in no way the mature route.

            5. I don’t think it’s immature, but if it is, so is saying “it makes me very upset,” so I guess we would be having an immaturity standoff until one of us cracks and apologizes.

            6. No, saying something makes you very upset makes you a direct and clear communicator. You don’t have to agree that it should have been upsetting but you can see a friend is hurt by it, with no games or passive aggressive comments. Is that so hard to grasp?

            7. Again, if you’re saying you’re “very upset,” I’m going to believe you and leave you alone so you can cool down. You can reach out again when you are not “very upset.” Is that so hard to grasp?

   10. NTA

       I do agree with the poster who suggests you work through your reaction with a professional. If you better understand yourself I think you will be better equipped to address this type of thing before it boils over.

   11. It’s totally ok for you to set the boundary that you don’t want comments on your finances.

       But, with only the context you gave, I think this whole text situation comes off as needlessly dramatic. I’m not sure why you followed up on your original “I have money now, thanks” – like, were you wanting an apology? An acknowledgment that she wouldn’t comment on your finances, even though you hadn’t asked for one?

       I dunno, tone is really hard to get right on text and I never have much luck with it – I would have done this in person where you can more easily make sure you’re coming across as fairly light & pivot afterwards to a warmer topic (“Hey, I am actually in a much better place financially and I can afford it. I actually feel really self-conscious when you comment on my finances – can we agree not to? Anyway, how’s the new job??”). Life doesn’t have to be this dramatic.

       1. +1

   12. I’m going to disagree with the crowd here. You filed for bankruptcy. It’s fantastic you handled it well, but that is a BIG DEAL and probably happened because of habits your friends and family are closer to. They care so they’re commenting. They don’t want you to repeat the past. You might not think you need help anymore, but they are seeing something else. Be grateful there’s people in your life who want the best for you. You’re not an AH but you’re not right either.

       1. And PS, breaking a lease and being on the hook for the remainder of the rent is a bad financial decision. If I was your friend, I’d say that too.

          1. Do people on this board not realize that breaking a lease does not always mean being on the hook for the reminder for the rent? This happened the other day too with a post about someone wanting to buy a house. I’ve broken a lease, and all I had to do was pay a fee. I was not on the hook for the remainder of the rent.

             1. +1. It’s none of that friends business either way.

             2. That is very location specific and not a universal truth, in many parts of the US you are actually on the hook. Maybe not where you live, but it’s a real consideration and something that someone who was just bankrupt should consider. Along with the fact that it might be hard to lease another place with a couple of strikes like that. Friends are allowed to care about each other.

             3. One of the fundamental principles of contract law is that the damaged person has a duty to mitigate. In the US, landlords have a duty to attempt to rerent the apartment. If they do, they are only owed the rent for the period where the apartment was vacant. Leases can vary that obligation (e.g., shifting costs of advertising the apartment to the tenant), but the principle generally stands in every jdx I’ve rented in. If you’re aware of a jdx that has a different system, I’d be interested in seeing it.

             4. Okay let’s play pretend and a perfect mitigation scenario. The LL still has to advertise and get the unit ready for a new tenant, that’s at least a month’s extra rent. And this woman was BANKRUPT, do you really think she’s got that lying around? Plus this LL will give her a bad reference and her credit is terrible. I would never encourage this kind of reckless financial decision making. OP sounds sweet but stupid with money.

             5. Oh, yeah, I think it’s an atrocious idea for this woman. But generally, you don’t have to pay the full amount of the rent remaining in most areas in the US. It’s not free…but it’s not the full ticket, either.

   13. Good for you. This is an important boundary and it’s great that you stood by it. I’m sorry you were treated like that.

   14. I don’t think you’re the AH but in this instance I would assume good intentions.

   15. There’s a world in which a good friend raises a concern with you without being a jerk, but her extremely patronizing phrasing isn’t that. I don’t think most commenters on this board would be cool with it, whatever they respond with to you here.

   16. You are NTA. but you obviously have poor money instincts and it sounds like you are about to make a bad financial decision. If you were my niece or cousin I would say the same thing. You’re lucky you have people who care about you. Maybe get some therapy to understand the need to over share about your personal financial situation and then over react to comments about it.

       1. Right. People here bleat about “wanting community.” This is what that looks like, people in your business and wanting the best for you. Sometimes that’s uncomfortable.

       2. And the family member doesn’t need therapy to unpack why she’s giving her dear friend/family the silent treatment as punishment?

          1. Right? Geez. Mob mentality coming out in these comments. I highly, HIGHLY doubt anyone here would respond well to someone suddenly saying “thousands you don’t have” in response to a life update. It’s such judgmental and invasive phrasing.

             1. Well, this woman was very recently bankrupt. It’s not an unreasonable assumption that she doesn’t have thousands of dollars laying around, and it’s not judgmental to say things that are probably true.

             2. Umm no, friends tell friends hard truths. OP is over reacting and should listen. If I’m her friend I’m going out with my other friends and talking about how cray OP is being.

             3. What a true friend would say is “hm, that can be very expensive. Do you know if the landlord will attempt to find a new tenant and let you off the hook?”

                I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no, you don’t actually have to be a jerk to your friends. That’s a choice.

             4. I would truly not be offended if someone said that to me. I value honesty and my feelings are not so delicate that I need things to be phrased just right to keep a relationship going. I don’t think it’s particularly jerky.

6. Does anyone else worry about the effect of daily hair dryer use on their hearing? I blow dry my hair every day for at least 5 min. I’m starting to wonder if its going to affect my hearing later in life.

   1. My hearing is sensitive. Earplugs do help.

   2. Have literally never wondered about this, even once.

      1. Haha, same.

      2. Me neither.

      3. Me, neither, but I will say that I really like my Dyson because it’s a lot quieter than any other hair dryer I’ve ever had.

   3. Yes, I wonder this every time I fail to hear overtones that other people can hear.

   4. Yeah, it could be an issue. I take steps for anything I do daily or very frequently – eg, wear headphones on the subway, earplugs to Orange Theory. I don’t use the blender much these days but it’s so loud that throwing in my AirPods would probably be a good idea.

   5. Hmm never thought about this. My kids have sensory processing disorder. The Dyson hairdryer is a lot quieter.

   6. I started using earplugs because it’s only 15 minutes every few days but they say if you can’t hear someone shouting at you then you should be wearing ear protection.

      1. Haha, I can’t hear someone shouting at me all the time when I am lost in a book, but I don’t think earplugs would help me.

   7. I hold the hairdryer a couple feet away from my kids’ heads when I dry their hair after swimming.

   8. I wear earplugs. I have the Dyson air wrap styler and its high-pitched sound drives me nuts.

7. Do you continue to give gifts to kids in your extended family who never, ever say thank you (and their parents don’t acknowledge receipt)? I know you’re not supposed to give gifts with the expectation of gratitude but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me to receive no confirmation it even arrived. I do think they use and enjoy the items (I eventually see them in pictures etc) but I don’t know if they know they’re from me anyway. What do others do on this?

   1. Yes. As a practical matter, the most I ever get from my friends/family or their kids is a photo or video right when they open it saying thank you, and that doesn’t always happen. But my friends/family are busy and juggling a million things, and I don’t assume bad intent. And they don’t get frustrated with me when I send a gift late. I just hope the kids enjoy the gifts– that was the point of sending them!

      1. Agree with all of this

      2. Yes, this. And don’t give if you’re going to resent it

   2. Yes, especially if the children are preteens.

   3. Yes, gift giving isn’t about me. I give without expectation of anything in return (maybe that’s my own trauma of grandmas insistence on timely thanks you cards, I’d rather get nothing than write a card). I also give exactly what the recipient wants, donations to charity, stupid Tik Tok trends or anything in-between because again it’s not about me doesn’t matter if I think it’s stupid.

      1. Actual trauma or you just resented learning how to be polite?

         1. Well she threatened to excommunicate me because she LOST my thank you card, thank god for Grandpa and his organization because he found the card and set her straight. But yeah would rather not have a gift when there’s threat of never speaking to my family again.

   4. I just don’t give gifts outside my immediate family.

      1. I was so happy when my extended family was finally convinced to stop exchanging gifts. I have no idea what to get someone I see once or twice a year. My own kids really don’t want or need much. They’d rather not have to write the thank you notes and not have more things to sort through/store/give away (small house with limited storage).

         1. Same here. I have a few extended family who do still give gifts to me, and I’ve made a habit to text immediately and tell them “thanks for the unexpected gift, really you shouldn’t have” so they know I got it. It still befuddles me, though, why an aunt who I see once every 3 or 4 years and was never close to thinks I deserve a set of small spring clamps or an angel figurine or a set of wooden spoons on random holidays.

   5. I’ve stopped for extended family after years of not knowing if they even received the gift.

   6. Yes. But sometimes I give personalized stationary…

   7. Yes, but that’s because my husband’s family is a gift family and everyone gives their nieces and nephews (and then great-nieces and nephews) Christmas gifts until they die. I’m not going to leave out some of the kids / young adults. And honestly they aren’t really a thank you note family either! But it’s the price of admission (and they are lovely and low-demand people overall. Gifts are just their thing.)

8. Do you continue to give gifts to kids in your extended family who never, ever say thank you (and their parents don’t acknowledge receipt)? I know you’re not supposed to give gifts with the expectation of gratitude but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me to receive no confirmation it even arrived. I do think they use and enjoy the items (I eventually see them in pictures etc) but I don’t know if they know they’re from me anyway. What do others do on this?

   1. I keep giving them because even though the gifts aren’t noticed when given, they would be noticed when not given. I have just decided to accept that my SIL and her husband and kids are rude and self-centered. I have pivoted to Target gift cards so as to minimize effort.

   2. Yes – but for younger children I tend to text the parents with a “Hi – I just wanted to be sure you received my gift and it did not get lost in transit.” And then once kid has a cell phone, I do the same but directly to the kid. I have flat out told my older nieces and nephews that text is fine, but I would appreciate them letting me know they received the gift.

      For the ones who need to be reminded every time, gifts stop when they graduate from high school. Adults can say thank you if they want presents.

   3. I gave gifts to my younger brother and his kids for a very long time because I was pretty sure (rightly or wrongly) that was the only Christmas they were going to have. I stopped when the “kids” were out of high school.

   4. Only on years we celebrate Christmas in person so I know they receive it. I used to send gifts that went unacknowledged but stopped to take something off my already long to do list. I haven’t looked back. I don’t need a handwritten card but a simple text from the kid or parent that they received it seems like common courtesy.

      1. OP here and I do want to clarify that ALL I’m looking for is that text – especially from one of the parents when they laughingly say they have their phones in their hands all day. It’s hard not to feel totally brushed off by that, even though of course I want to treat the kids.

   5. I just continue. My family is fractured and I am estranged from both sisters and have a 20 year old nephew who lives in his own home with his girlfriend, his younger brother is 18 and I have never missed a birthday or Xmas. I think their mother has taken a lot of the cards and probably endorsed the cheques at various times so now I e-transfer them or send a cheque to their Dad. I continue to send my 10 year niece a present for both occasions. None are ever acknowledged or even reported received via my mother. I figure it’s $300 bucks a year and in years when they look back they will have some sense that someone always thought of them and valued the relationship consistently. I just want to be an example and the bigger person. My sisters don’t send my kids anything and won’t speak to them at family events.

   6. This is totally dependent on age. It’s hard to ask for a thank-you, and as you say, a gift is given without expectation. But a quick, “Did X get the gift I sent? Wanted to see how she’s liking it!” feels okay to me.

9. I’ve been here since practically the beginning (2008 or 09?). I am trying to comment less, because I refresh the page more obsessively when I’ve commented – I’m more invested in the conversation. I comment more on the moms page, but I’m also having to back away a little bit there. It’s easy to get wrapped up into arguments, for me, and if I feel like I’ve been misunderstood (easy to do with short comments) I want to clarify and convince. I’m mostly home these days so it does feel like a way to be connected to other adults, most probably not in my industry or with my general life perspective. I’ve found the mob mentality is increasing.

   1. Can’t even comment correctly! Will repost above…

10. If you’ve traveled to Japan recently – how much language should I learn and through which app? When I’ve traveled previously I’ve mostly focused on vocab and key phrases but Drops is making me learn the alphabet and correct pen strokes… seems irrelevant?

    1. I went 10 years ago and no one spoke much English, but I used a translation app and it was fine. People are friendly and lots of places have English menus. I suspect the tech is better today. I’d be tempted to try the new AirPods that have a translation feature.

    2. I went in the early 2000s with no Japanese and got around fine. Learning some of the local language is always nice but I don’t think it’s needed any more there than it is in Western Europe if you’re sticking to the main tourist places.

    3. Can’t speak to Japanese specifically, but I went to China for work a lot in the 2015-2018 range, and just in those few years Google translate went from “completely useless” (couldn’t use for very simple questions like “How much is the price?”; to able to do things like get complex directions for multi-step bus/train journeys; tell my hotel desk where I am going and when I expect to be back, etc). I would expect it’s even better now. So for practical travel matters, I think you’ll be fine either way.

       For “general show of respect while travelling”, agree that memorizing key phrases is more helpful than the alphabet/writing (although I can see how that might be the right foundation if your end goal was really to learn the language). For me, for travelling anywhere, I focus on ~10 politeness phrases (thank you, hello, goodbye, blah blah blah) that you can straight-up memorize; and after that I want to know the grammar to at least form simple sentences of the “I want __” variety.

11. Does anyone have a recommendation for a divorce attorney in DC/DMV?

    1. Geller Law Group

       Good luck!

    2. If in Virginia, Christian Lapham at Bean Kinney. I used him for my divorce and think he’s great.

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