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Anonymous
So I live in N. Va but am from NJ and am absolutely CRAVING NJ pizza. Nothing special – just what you get at any local neighborhood shop there. DH and I have time on our hands this weekend and are willing to drive, where would you go? Don’t mean we’re driving to NJ but any options in say Md or Del? It need not be anything special, just a clean place with good pizza. We’ve tried Wise Guys and the Italian Store and while they’re good for this area, we just want something different and clearly are in the mood for a little trip lol.
highlander
Goldbelly may be able to help, but if I were ordering from there it would be a turkey Joe from the Millburn Deli.
LocalAnon
Whoa. Hello from down the street from that place :)
Anon
Sniff! No longer in Arlington, but I remember walking in to The Italian Store and it smelled like home. I can’t recall ever finding good pizza in DC, to the point where Papa John’s thin crust pizza was what I tolerated while I was there. I’d go home and my parents were always curious as to why I wanted to go to the pizzeria and not to a fancy restaurant.
Anonymous
When I go back to NJ to visit my parents, they’re always making all kinds of home made Indian food and fancier dishes at that, and I’m always like – please don’t work so hard, just get me a pizza and I’ll be happy. Lol.
Anonymous
Have you tried Pete’s? I haven’t been in several years but they claim it is “New Haven” style.
Anonymous
Also 2Amys is always good, and there’s a Frank Pepe’s branch in Westfield Montgomery mall in Bethesda you could check out.
anon a mouse
What makes something NJ pizza? Is it like NY?
Anonymous
Same. I’m from NJ and I just called it that because it’s what’s available in every pizza shop in every strip mall in NJ – we’re just not going into NYC for it so it technically isn’t NY pizza I guess.
Clementine
It’s NY style pizza but less presumptuous and with better volume in its hair.
Kidding, but it’s just a solid slice of pizza with a thinner crust with puffed edges, slightly acidic sauce with mild garlic/oregano and good (not fresh, just good quality) mozzarella. It’s the ratio that’s critical – you need all three components to be in balance. Would agree that your generic LI/NJ strip mall pizza is better than some of the ‘best’ pizza I’ve had in other places.
Clementine
(not the OP but basing it on my experience with pizza from the Northeast)
Anon
It pronounces “awesome” starting with an oah sound.
I know my pizza
Flippin’ Pizza. I think there’s a location just north of DuPont Circle or there at least used to be. They definitely have a location in North Bethesda.
Ellen
I remember a Pizza place near there, but I forgot the name, if it is still there it could be a different name. But it was so good, I put on about 10 pounds before I got home for Thanksgiving, and it was virtualy all on my tuchus and belly! I did NOT exercise in college, other then walking to class, but my tuchus I sat on all the time in class and in the library so that explained that.
As far as the X-body handbag is concerned, Kat, you should remember that in NYC we need a much stronger strap when we carry our bags, especially in the subway or on the streets, b/c of the possibility that street theives will grab it. With a real Coach or Frye leather bag, it is imposibble to loose it. So for Hivettes, a word to the wise if you visit our fair city.
anon for this
A friend swears by Andy’s in Old Town when she gets a craving. (Sorry that isn’t a long road trip.)
Anon
I saw this article in the local magazine last week: https://alexandrialivingmagazine.com/food-and-dining/alexandria-va-favorite-pizza-2023/
Shelle
Try Wiseguy! I’ve only had the one near Judiciary Sq but it looks like there are Rosslyn and Pentagon City locations.
Shelle
ah sorry I see you already tried them.
ABS
If there is good pizza in the DC area, I haven’t found it yet. Moved to NoVA from Brooklyn a few years ago.
Anon
Fairlington Pizza. It’s not fancy (but it’s perfect! Thin, cheese, 70’s bendy wood and laminate booth seats). It makes my LI mom happy . . . and she’s never happy with pizza. their Garlic Knots are not LI style, but are also great. I don’t understand how it’s so under the radar, other than being in Fairlington.
Anonymous
Try Andy’s.
Anon
Look it’s not NY/NJ pizza level but Duccini’s on U street in the District is a solid slice of pizza.
Anonymous
Maybe drive to a deli for ingredients then just make it yourselves. Jamie Oliver go ogle the recipe for basic pizza dough.
Pep
Guiseppe’s Pizza Plus in Rockville and Gaithersburg is the closest I’ve found to what you’d get in a NJ strip mall pizza joint. Two slices and a coke. It’s not gourmet, it’s not fancy.
CJ
Go to Annapolis and get pizza from Vizzinis’s in the Cape St. Claire strip mall. No place to sit — it’s all carry-out or delivery. Best pizza in the area.
Anon
Not sure if this has already been discussed (I don’t read every day) but I’m still so infuriated by the story about the associate who came back from maternity leave, gave notice that she was leaving for a better opportunity, and then received that awful text from a partner that she was “collecting salary from the firm while sitting on her a**, except to find time to interview for another position.” There’s more to the text, including that she was soul less and morally bankrupt and that he would ruin her reputation/career. And all this from an senior employment attorney! She was also apparently asked and expected to do work while on leave! The story is on Above the Law (posted January 9). I’m glad the guy was fired but, as someone who is a partner in BigLaw and a mother of two, I’m just so mad for her and for everyone who faces this type of discrimination. I remember when I came back from leave with my second child a few years ago, multiple older male partners expressed shock/surprise that I was back full time. Some asked me for the specific days I would be working and sort of chuckled when I said every day like before, and responded “o that will change!” I think we all know it’s there on some level but to see it in writing in this text is just so brutal.
No Face
So infuriating! People are directly, explicitly discriminatory against mothers and then blame our motherhood for why we leave. she goes above and beyond to work during her leave and instead of appreciation, she gets a threat.
As an associate the partner who controlled my favorite practice area said he was surprised that I didn’t just stay at home since my husband was so successful.
Anonymous
Is it still the case that the firm could force you to pay back your leave if you resign as soon as you come back? Or was that always an urban legend?
Anon
Ok, but I’m a woman and I do kind of think it’s a d1ck move to quit right after maternity leave. It’s one thing if you’ve changed your mind and now want to SAHM – we all know that happens – but to interview while on maternity leave does feel disrespectful to the employer. We are SO lucky to get any maternity leave at all in this country that I feel like moves that like diminish the odds of women in other, less highly compensated fields getting leave.
At the same time, I understand that it’s easier to not come back from leave than the come back and then transition files shortly thereafter when you find another position.
Anon
Coming from the UK, US maternity leave policies seem barbaric. I don’t think you should have to feel grovelingly grateful for getting what would be considered basic human decency in most of the developed world.
Anon
100%
Anon
The leave was an earned benefit. I don’t see a difference if this was a male associate who interviewed while on a long vacation. Is this partner expecting no one to look for a job while they have a current job? Odds are people are “sitting on their a**” more during a vacation than freaking MATERNITY LEAVE. And how long is she supposed to stay before it’s appropriate for her to leave? 3 months? 6? 1 year? Is she a slave now?
Anon
I don’t have a poker face at all. I can’t imagine interviewing on maternity leave (and leaking probably all over the place or needing to pump), but you’d need to ask about any flexibility you’d need with kids or how the culture was and it would come out, at some point, that you have an X week old kid at home, I’d think. And then it maybe seems like you are so desperate to get out or probably not sure you can come back and I’d think that at least with the Trads out there, that would be too big of a strike against me (or that I’m desperate and I’d get low-balled for salary).
Anon
“We are SO lucky to get any maternity leave at all in this country that I feel like moves that like diminish the odds of women in other, less highly compensated fields getting leave.”
Nope. Try again. The problem is not a woman who does not want to return to what was clearly going to be a family- and mother-unfriendly job; the problem is that we do not have laws in place codifying the right to paid parental leave for all American workers. I do not blame the lawyer in question for interviewing while on maternity leave, in the least. Look what kind of attitudes she would have had to go back to! And the guy who said something is probably one of many in the same organization who share the same viewpoint, but who weren’t stupid enough to put it in writing.
This kind of attitude is exactly what corporations/businesses want: they want workers holding each other back, like crabs in a barrel, so that when they fight against legally-codified worker protections we can’t get organized enough to insist our legislators push the legislation through. We need guaranteed paid parental leave, and we need it now. Blaming other workers is like being a knot in the rope that’s keeping all of us tied to a tree.
Anon
Imagine you’re a woman at a sexist law firm, and the sexism becomes blindingly enraging when you are pregnant. You’re in the US.
1. If you leave while pregnant, you don’t have FMLA protections during maternity leave and you will be at a new firm for a short time before being in leave.
2. Or… grit your teeth during pregnancy, interview while on maternity leave, and hand in your notice at Sexist Firm when you get a job.
Gee I dunno why anyone would choose Option 2. Eye roll.
Anonymous
wasn’t part of the story that the REASON she interviewed on maternity leave was because she had a dick boss who was trying to make her WORK on maternity leave? hence the “sitting on her ass” comment – she had enough time to interview but not to do her work.
(and to be clear it’s a dick move to ask someone to do anything significant while on maternity leave; it is NOT a vacation.)
Anon
I had a few colleagues leave right after mat leave at my BigLaw firm because they realized they wanted to come back at reduced hours and our firm has a terrible track record at making that work. TBH, pretty much all the partners I talked to about these departures viewed it as a failure by the firm that the associate wouldn’t want to return after having kids, not the associate’s fault/wrongdoing. Hell, I made partner with two little kids and I’m leaving BigLaw cuz as supportive as my colleagues try to be, it just doesn’t work for me and the life I want as a mom….and I don’t have a good role model for a reduced role where I am and don’t want to risk it not working when my kids will be this little only once.
Anon
I used to feel this way, but I don’t anymore. Leave is an earned benefit. You don’t owe it to your employer to come back after taking it.
Anonymous
+1 million. Its like giving notice right after your bonus hits your bank account.
Anon
Yes, exactly! Which is completely normal and acceptable in Big Law and finance.
Anon
This exactly. It’s like giving notice right after your bonus hits your bank account.
Anon
Why is it worse to leave after maternity leave? You obviously can’t leave in the year before.
Anon
This is the wrong attitude.
Duckles
+1, I don’t get why paid maternity leave is offered at all.
Anon
Otherwise you are missing out on the ability to attract a huge segment of the workforce. Non-law firms are now offering 6-10 weeks of paternity leave too.
You think people who want to be parents will just suck it up and come back to work the day after birthing? Those days are over.
anon
Because the market requires it to attract top talent.
LocalAnon
Because some of us are really great at our jobs and our firms want to keep us, and they know having children is a natural part of life. You should try being good at your job and see if your organization wants to keep you, too!
A
You do realise maternity leave is a basic right that women in Asia and Europe take for granted? How can men treat us better if women think it’s a privilege?
startup lawyer
Maternity leave is a benefit you have earned. It’s not a privilege.
Anonymous
Shrug. As someone who is child free, I’m sorry but I do agree, not that I’d write it down. I know moms disagree but I feel like coworkers are expected to bend over backwards for moms. I’d be ok with that if it was reciprocated but it never is – what mom is picking up longer hours so a childfree person can take care of their appointments or what law firm is giving three to four months off to anyone without a kid?
Anon
OTOH, we let the old guys just have their heart attacks whenever. Same with cancer. And even car crashes. They get to do as they please but women have to do it all on a schedule plus you can’t rely on their kids to schedule their illnesses that some parent has to cover for at home. The nerve.
Anon
If companies feel this way, then they should not offer maternity leave. Lol it’s not a d!ck move at all. If you want to retain someone, make it worth their while by being an employer of choice, up front. Clearly this lawyer knew already she was dealing with AHs and she made the right move.
Anon
I’m ex-big law and yes, I covered and picked up a lot of stuff for moms during my associate years. The trade off, though, is that I got much bigger bonuses because of my higher hours and because I could step up for things like a six-month stint in Asia, and I made partner seven years after graduating law school. I prioritized career in my thirties and was rewarded for it. Even if firms pretend it’s not the case, you do take a career advancement hit if you have family responsibilities and multiple mat leaves.
Anon
It was hard to have a cat when I was in Big Law. I can’t imagine responsible for a human.
Anon
Did you have full time cat daycare or a cat nanny? Somehow that makes it work for many people.
Anon
Ummmm… full time daycare gives you the opportunity when your kid isn’t sick to work 9-5, assuming it’s not a horrendous drive. Given that those hours are inadequate for BigLaw and depend on no sickness or closure – which are CONSTANT – being a parent in BigLaw means you work nights and you better find childcare to work weekends too. And you basically don’t sleep if a kid IS sick or there is a closure. And you better hope for a great spouse or family member or sitter when you inevitably have to travel or get to court early or stay late. It is non stop.
Anon
I would hate to pick up the slack for colleague on leave. What if the individual doesn’t want to devote their life to their career? Doesn’t want the 6 month stint in Asia? The company should figure out how to manage a team that is not spread so thin that other have to kill themselves while colleagues are on any type of leave.
Anon
That would mean less profits for the already sickeningly rich partners. Can’t have that!
AIMS
I think if you don’t want to devote your life to your career and you’re at that kind of firm, you find a new firm.
Anonymous
So the women who’ve had babies can never have any other illness that they’d need time off for?
All I’m saying is it isn’t fair to those who have not, will not, or cannot procreate. And if someone calls that out, I wouldn’t feel all that bad about it. If law firms want to make it fair, everyone gets a four month sabbatical three times in their ten years there. But that’ll never happen. At least at my firm, it was all lock step bonuses, so you weren’t even getting higher bonuses for billing more hours to cover for the mommy who couldn’t write the TRO motion overnight.
Anon
Maternity leave isn’t vacation you fool. It is time to recover from a process that wrecks havoc on the body.
Anonymous
Did someone FORCE you to have a child? Could you not have prevented in any manner? Yeah you could have done things to stop from birthing a child – ok then it’s your choice, you suffer the workplace consequences.
Anon
U mad? Why take it out on a person doing something normal, reproduction? The ones you should be mad at are the partners raking in the profits from working you more hours than a human should work. But no, the centimilionaires somehow get a pass, as usual.
(sorry, this is a double post, nesting fail below)
Alanna of Trebond
I don’t agree with this position that maternity leave is optional, but it honestly was much easier than working. I got certified as a yoga instructor during my leave. But I only have one child.
Anon
I would have used something stronger than “fool” here but I agree. There’s a reason 6-8 weeks of it is a disability leave.
Anon
This right here.
Duckles
Sure— but offering an additional 2-4 months paid on top of that first 6-8 weeks like many firms do certainly looks like vacation, especially when the moms are literally going on vacation, picking up side gigs or new hobbies, etc. (which almost everyone I know has)
Anon
Does anyone understand why firms offer long paid time off for maternity and sometimes paternity? It’s not because they want to be nice. It’s a business decision in order to attract and retain quality workers who also, gasp, want to be parents.
anon
@Duckles I don’t know what mothers you know, but literally not a single one that I know started a side gig or took extensive vacations during maternity leave. You do understand that most infants only sleep a few hours at a time, right? And that someone – usually the mom – is getting up to feed them multiple times during the night? Like, they literally have to be carried or held at all times unless they’re asleep or strapped into a swing or bouncer, which they can only be left in for short periods of time.
Anonymous
Omg this thread!!! 😮
Anon
I’d say travel is pretty common, especially for people who have >4 months off. The main reason we didn’t take a trip was I was paranoid about traveling with a newborn who hadn’t had a full set of shots (this was pre-Covid but I’ve always been a bit of a germaphobe.)
I don’t know anyone who started a side gig though. And I don’t think a woman taking a trip is an argument against maternity leave. The point of maternity leave is physical recovery and bonding with the baby and both can be done from a location that’s not home.
No Face
Did the “mommy” turn down the work or did the partners just assume she couldn’t do it?
I left a sexist firm and billed more with 2 little kids at the next place than I did when 0 kids at the old firm.
Vicky Austin
you’re a hero.
Anon
Mothers have to work harder, and do, to “prove” themselves. Everyone knows that.
Anon
I’m in favor of everyone getting paid sabbaticals every X years but mat leave isn’t a sabbatical/vacation. At most US employers, it’s primarily covered by sick leave or disability leave. No different than cancer or another long term health condition.
Anon
Ugh, so the argument goes that no one “chooses” health problems but women “choose” to have children. Well that’s true. When the childfree are old they will need our children to take care of them in their expensive private nursing homes.
Anon
Not just need our children to care for them in a nursing home… they will need our children to do everything. Our children will build cars, maintain power lines, unclog sinks, stock grocery store shelves, grow food, transport goods, repair roads, keep our justice system running, perform medical research, staff hospitals, sweep floors, milk cows, perform veterinary care on your pets, do the coding to keep modern life running….
Sorry some people get 12 weeks off from work to participate in creating the humans who will do all that for you.
Anon
U mad? Why take it out on a person doing something normal, reproduction? The ones you should be mad at are the partners raking in the profits from working you more hours than a human should work. But no, the centimilionaires somehow get a pass, as usual.
Anonymous
Yes, I realize this was not at all the point of your post but—My firm has a sabbatical program for partners. 3 months paid sabbatical.
Anonymous
I disagree in this instance and most instances. Take your leave, you owe them nothing. However there was a associate at my husband’s firm who had five kids in six years and never worked more than a few months straight and then quit. My (probably jealous) thought was she’d raked in well over half a million bucks from leave. I really struggled with my thoughts on that.
Anon
I mean, I worked with a man who did this. My company offered paternity leave, his wife had a bigger job than he did, so he took the full paternity leave for all of their many, many children, all spaced a year apart.
Of course, he’s doing just fine in his career! Better than fine.
I think this is why paternity leave is so important, truthfully. If men don’t also take time off when their children come along, then it’s always going to be a knock on the perception of women in the workforce.
Anon
Having five kids in six years does not sound like an easy or fun way to earn half a million! I’d much rather work. Also the net financial cost to the family is almost certainly a loss. Each kid is estimated at around $500k now and I don’t think that even includes college.
Anon
We do not live in an economy where every family can afford to have a stay at home parent. Our economy would rank if we lost half the working parent workforce. That is why employers offer maternity benefits. They must.
Furthermore, having children is important to the economy, particularly when parents who can afford to have children grow their families. Who do you think is going to pay your benefits when you age out of the workforce? Medicare and social security (which support more than retired persons) are not a savings account where you invest for your future benefit. Today’s workers pay today’s benefits, and that has always been true.
But go on with your whining. You probably feel victimized in so many ways.
anon
Yeah, like, you can talk about how unfair law firms are to childless women when we get to the point where mothers are making equity partner at the same rate as men and childless women. They are not. Mothers leave, because even if bonuses are lockstep, the occasional night when someone else writes the TRO doesn’t make up for the career hit that caregivers take. I’m the commenter at 3:34 PM, and I used to get asked to speak on panels for female law students and female associates all the time, and when they asked me to tell them the secret of my great success in making partner so fast, I was upfront with them that it was possible because I’d basically sacrificed having any life outside of work to get there. So no, there are not thousands of moms coasting to equity partnership on the back of poor, overworked childless women. That is not happening.
I left biglaw as a third-year partner, and then had my one (and probably only, bc I’m 42) child. When I didn’t have kids, I didn’t waste my time bemoaning the fact that I had to work late more than my peers who were moms. I knew that the things they had to turn down were opportunities for me, and I took them. And I knew that I was turning down something (namely, having a personal life) by choosing to put a biglaw career first. If you’re a biglaw woman without kids and you’re spending your precious time feeling like a victim, then you’re obviously not billing enough bc I was always too busy for that kind of nonsense.
Anon
(Applause)
AIMS
(Applause)
Anon
Ooooh, I missed that. We had many women quit after leave (2 to stay home, 1 to go in-house). It smarts. And I get it. But you never, ever, ever send a text like that. [I’m a parent in BigLaw.]
Anon
She went to a different firm in the same city. For a woman to make that type of move while also dealing with a newborn says all you need to know about that firm. And the text only confirms it.
An.On.
I definitely had people accuse me of using maternity leave to look for another job. And it was incredibly frustrating because the reason I was trying to leave after I came back was because they were b*holes, as evidenced by their accusation. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
NYCer
I suppose I am probably in the minority here, but I actually think that quitting immediately after maternity leave or paternity leave is pretty bad form. BUT, the text that partner sent was shocking and completely unacceptable. [I am also a parent in big law.]
Anon
Is it only unacceptable because he got into trouble? Do you agree with his sentiments but just think he shouldn’t have put it in writing? What exactly are you saying here? Why is quitting after mat leave worse than just, quitting another time?
Anon
I think it’s like this: if you know you’re not coming back, and you are non-fungible, I’d like to know. I’d still not fight you on the leave, but I’d like to line up a replacement and maybe have some overlap so that I don’t have to be surprised, have to find a new person, and have to train them. It would be different if BigLaw did something smart like brought in a temp to ease the production burden on the non-leave-taking people, because, because they are doing more. But If it’s short-term, you knuckle through. But to go from that to recruiting and training up someone, that is so hard. It’s the firm’s fault though. And I get why no one is candid b/c no one but you protects your interests.
Anon
No one is ever candid that they are looking for a new role, maternity leave or not. And no one thinks that it’s wrong to pretend you have a doctor’s appointment and go to an interview instead, or to take PTO. I get that it’s inconvenient, but it’s no different than leaving under other circumstances. And anyone interviewing is doing it on either PTO time or other leave. There is no other way to find another job.
Anon
Sounds like understaffing problems to me.
Anon
I’m not convinced people know they’re not coming back though. It seems like people are reading a lot of nefarious intent into it, but most people I know who quit on leave either 1) suddenly decided they couldn’t leave their baby or 2) got an unexpected opportunity they couldn’t turn down. Neither of those would be something you could notify your employer about in advance. Also if you were planning to leave in advance, you’d be crazy to tell your employer because most will let you go on the spot.
Anon
This is a good point, that I could relate to.
I’m in medicine, and while I was still in training in a very understaffed, highly specialized area of medicine – our amazing Nurse Practitioner went on her maternity leave.
We were at the largest Medical School / Hospital system in one of the biggest US cities, and only had two doctors in this field, plus me (fellow MD training in subspeciality) and the Nurse Practitioner. She had been with the group for several years, and was invaluable. She ran multiple clinics on her own, seeing dozens of patients a week and triaging all the patient phone calls and interfacing with the clinical trials. She had been trained by my bosses for years from knowing nothing about this subspecialty to knowing a lot more than me when I started.
So she got pregnant, and our attendings panicked. I didn’t realize at the time that it was the norm for the women nurses to take the pretty good maternity leave, and then not come back. But for reasons unclear to me, they couldn’t admit this ahead of time…. which could have been better of course, as they could have started hiring and training her replacement so that maybe she could even help train before she left. So first she left for 3 months, which was a disaster (guess who had to carry the pager to triage all of her phone calls/emails/clinical trial stuff on top of doing all the consults/MD clinics/carrying the regular MD pager) and then the day before she was to return, she said she had changed her mind and would be staying at home. I almost had a nervous breakdown. It took 6 months before they hired a replacement, and of course she was years behind in training. It was the worst time of my life. Worse than residency.
Why does it have to be that way?
Anon
It makes perfect sense that the NP decided not to come back. She was probably doing more work than the specialists and getting paid far less. This is just another example of how women are expected to do more in order for others to be successful, while not getting rewarded appropriately.
Anon
The fact that losing one staff member means some part of the firm breaks is an outcome of poor planning and management. Zero bench strength is a terrible idea.
Anon
I’m the fellow in Anon 5:52.
Actually the Nurse Practitioner made nearly triple my salary (yes I said triple – I made 62K as a fellow), worked fixed hours every day (8am-5) with no work off hours, no weekends, no evenings, no call. This is why I tell young people who like the idea of medicine to become a Nurse Practitioner instead of a doctor. Incredible job opportunities, flexibility, tons of jobs, but less of the responsibility/liability risk/long hours/cost for training/long term debt with amazing salaries better than many doctors.
She loved her job, and admitted to me she knew she wasn’t coming back, but couldn’t report it or risk losing her benefit. So that is just a crappy crappy system. She should be guaranteed the benefit, and have the freedom to tell us earlier so we could have hired a replacement.
Anon
As you said, she knew way more than you, so of course she got paid more.
And even if my leave pay was guaranteed, I’d never quit a job until I had to. What if there is a stillbirth, death of spouse, or divorce? What if she just hated being a SAHM? Businesses keep their options open by not hiring until their hand is forced – why should employees have to commit to terms that may not be to their advantage?
NYCer
What I am saying is that there was no need for him to be so rude or use the words he chose to use in that text.
Anon
Do you also think it’s wrong to quit after a bonus is deposited or right after getting a new phone reimbursed or reimbursement for their gym membership or used up all their PTO before leaving? If not, I’d invite you to think about what it is about this specific benefit that has been earned that seems to require continued service in your mind when using other benefits does not.
If your issue is that it’s a benefit not everyone gets, I’m sure there are other benefits your company/firm offers that you don’t take advantage of. Just on the topic of children, many firms also offer reimbursement for fertility treatment or adoption which most employees don’t use but you don’t generally hear people complain about. Other unused benefits some firms offer might include gym memberships, discounts, tickets to events you aren’t interested in, car service home (not a big deal if you live close to the office, bigger benefit if you live further out), the list goes on. If those don’t irk you, again, why does maternity leave irk you?
If your answer is that other peoples leave (maternity, medical or even vacation) leads to you being over burdened, then congratulations to your employer for convincing you that it’s your coworkers fault for using their benefits rather than their fault for not having systems in place to allow people to actually use their benefits. And if you aren’t using your benefits, even bigger congratulations to your employer for getting you to accept a lower comp package (benefits especially vacation are part of your comp, not using them means you are effectively taking a lower salary by doing more work for the same money)
Anon
Thank you. And I’ll add that employers offering these benefits use them as recruiting tools, enticing employers to join their firms specifically with these pot sweeteners
Anon
*employees
Anon
Yup this.
Anon
Does anyone here regularly tape their breasts up instead of wearing a bra? Particularly if you’re on the larger side? I developed a rash under one and decided to tape them up this morning with some K tape I had on hand so that the skin didn’t touch itself. I’m someone who HATES bras (yes I’ve done ABTF) and…I’m kind of loving this today. I also feel 20 again with the lift lol.
Anon
I use a NuBra instead of a strapless bra. It’s basically two cups that stick to your skin and then connect together in the front. Way more comfortable than a strapless! However, I’m on the small side.
Anon
I can’t imagine that tape strong enough for this task removes without great effort. Or how that looks under anything but a very thick fabric top.
Anon
No. I just got a better bra. (And I learned Bravissimo does bra fittings online now, Zooming in from the UK! Fortunately all I had to do was describe my comfort issues w/existing bras, and they were able to recommend some other styles in the same size, without all the awkward fitting.)
Anon
I went to my derm with that rash under the breast. She prescribed me a steriod cream and told me to use it until the rash cleared up. It was gone within two days. Definitely see if you can see a doc about it, but meanwhile, maybe some OTC cortisone cream?
I don’t think you’re going to enjoy the tape as much when you take the tape off!
Last, if your skin is touching skin within your bra, you’re wearing the wrong size.
Anonymous
Along the lines of the comment this morning about the Balenciaga bag as a reward for reaching a goal, does anyone else have decision paralysis around “goal” purchases? I’m expecting to receive a large bonus next month, and if I do, I will be paying off my student loans several years ahead of schedule. When my husband paid his off last year, he got himself a watch he wanted. I had thought about getting a bag, but I feel like the ones that I liked even a few month ago are now dated and that really, nothing is classic and timeless anymore (expect for maybe a Birkin bag, and I’m not looking to spend birkin bag money). I’d like to purchase a thing, rather than a trip or some kind of service, but am at a loss. Even jewelry doesn’t seem to be timeless… gold vs. platinum/silver toned, and I don’t have pierced ears, so even a pair of diamond studs doesn’t work. Just curious what sort of “I did it!” Purchases you all have made that you still love years and years later.
Anon
If you can’t find anything you want to spend money on, don’t, for heaven’s sake. I don’t mean to sound preachy, but I used part of my holiday bonus to pay the rent of a local immigrant family struggling to get by. THAT gave me more satisfaction than any material good ever will. That family was crying tears of joy and relief; and all I did was share a small portion of the largesse I’m incredibly fortune to have received.
Anonymous
New poster – Lol. Good for you but no way and sorry but I don’t consider any bonus or raise to be good fortune – it’s not hitting a lottery.
Anon
-1 for your lol, rude and unnecessary
Anon
How sad and small to not understand that a bonus of any sort is, indeed, good fortune. There are so many people living in abject poverty right now. Just about every woman on this site has the good fortune to be educated and in a professional job.
Anon
Yes, this!!!
Anon
Loved reading this and it sounds like it gave you enormous personal satisfaction. Handbags are beautiful but so is seeing a family live in their home.
Cat
What about art or something splurgy for the home? (I agree with you about bags.)
pugsnbourbon
+1 to art.
What are your hobbies? Could you upgrade some equipment?
Or – give yourself blanket permission to get the expensive latte/champagne/chocolate for a whole year :)
Anonymous
Yes. Whatever you do, don’t start to learn about antiques and then go falling in love with gustavian furniture and the go browsing online.
But seriously, how’s your house? do you need a gorgeous wool rug? real linen curtains? a mid century chair recovered in a luxe fabric? Original art? I never regret the money I spend on my home.
Senior Attorney
I agree that art is a great splurge purchase, but don’t kid yourself that it isn’t just as subject to fads and fashion as anything else.
Lily
Along the lines of what anon at 2:39 said (and ignore this if you are dead-set on a thing), is it enough money to set up a (small) college scholarship fund? Like one of those that’s like $1,000-2000 a year? Or enough that you could join a certain tier of donor at a local charity? That would give you both the internal satisfaction of doing good and the external validation of your accomplishment…
Anonymous
OP here. Thanks all for the responses. DH and I actually already have a $5000 a year student research stipend fund to our alma mater, and bigger goal down the road is to endow a full ride scholarship. There are purchases that I would like to make for our home, but those feel like “us” purchases vs. a “me” purchase. I don’t want earrings, I mention diamond studs because I think they’re one of the few timeless items out there, but not applicable to me. I hadn’t thought about art, so will look into that. I think I’m just frustrated that my husband could spend the same amount of money and have something timeless and I am just not seeing those options for me.
Anon
I had a hard rotten year back before I had any really big bills and got myself crazy large diamond studs. I wear them as armor when I have bad days, like don’t EFF with me.
Anon
Where did you get them? I’m leaning toward diamond studs for my “just made partner” purchase (not the OP).
Anon
I had a friend who had a connection and got them at a jewelry show. She gets what to pay for (color, but she understands the color gradations better than I do) and what to compromise on (she has a level of inclusions that she feels is OK in an X size stone vs what you actually need to care about).
Anon
Also, I got my ears pierced just for this.
Anon
I love that story. Especially piercing your ears just for the earrings. Go you!
DC Anon
I did this as a “finally paid off my law school loans/happy 30th birthday” gift to myself this year and got diamond studs from Brilliant Earth. Lab-grown, so pretty happy with the quality to price ratio.
anon
Most of the splurgy purchases I’ve loved are things that those brands that are part of the core never change collection – e.g., my grandma could have bought them from Harrods back when she was my age – horsebit loafer, classic flap purse, burberry trench, good fancy crystal highballs. Most of the trendy stuff has well, gone with the trends. The other splurgy purchases I’ve loved have been going into a quirky art gallery and giving myself permission to spend a few thousand on something that just makes me happy. This has grown into a whole hallway of cooky, colorful art.
IL
This may out me, but I got passed over for annual bonuses for several years after getting staffed on a large pro bono matter and missing my billable hours. The year I finally earned a bonus, I bought myself a Dior Rose Des Vents ring that I had been eying for months. I know that fashions change, but Dior still carries this design and I still love the ring itself. It’s my favorite piece of jewelry.
Senior Attorney
I’m just going to be needing $100,000 or so for that amazing multi-strand Rose Des Vents necklace…
IL
Oh gosh yes, it’s gorgeous.
nuqotw
It sounds like you want diamond studs? You could probably get some custom made that don’t require piercing.
Smokey
I’m a big believer in buying jewelry to celebrate milestones. I bought myself a pair of diamond hoop earrings the year I made partner, and years later bought a beautiful watch to celebrate my (semi) retirement!
Anne-on
I’m definitely a jewelry/bag person, so I’m biased in that I love and think fondly of the pieces I’ve bought for big milestones. They’ve ranged from tahitian pearl studs for my 25th birthday to yes, two Hermes bags. I do believe most of these things are fairly classic but even if they went out of style they would still have meaning to me and fit *my* style. Also, for just about every purchase I had a friend or coworker come with me and we made it a fun day out – having brunch/lunch, leisurely wandering through high end department stores/jewelry stores, trying lots of things on and then finding ‘the one’ item (although I went in with a budget and a rough list of things I knew I’d be open to ahead of time).
MAJOR caveat that I’m a white lady who dresses in a pretty classic style so I expected to be (and was) treated well by salespeople. In talking to my friends and family members who are POC that is not the case for them so I can totally understand ambivalence around spending $$$ if you’re being treated poorly from the moment you walk in.
Anon
Yes, on the best purchases of the year this morning I mentioned my Japan Kasumi pearl strand from Kojima. That was a reward to myself for achieving a business goal (I’m self employed.)
When I was employed, if I got a larger than expected bonus I spent some of it (usually 10%) and saved the rest. I’m so glad I saved most of it because that cushion is what gave me the ability to go out on my own. But I’m also glad I rewarded myself a little, because it was an absolute slog getting there. I earned those bonuses!!
Anonymous
Art.
I always get original art, because that’s something I really appreciate.
Anon
You have time to figure it out. Wait until you know what you want, don’t just buy something because it’s the exact time you’ve reached your goal.
Anonymous
I have pretty classic style and still love the good jewelry and watches I bought along the way. Cartier, Tiffany, etc.
Anonymous
Really good examples of amethyst geodes for your home. We have one either side of the fireplace and they’re endlessly mesmerising and a great conversation piece (it’s either side of the same rock). There are tons of different types or rock available. Bonus if you ask take a trip to where they come from, and pick one out yourself.
Anon
Garcelle, is that you?
Anonymous
i bought myself a fancy French saddle when I made partner. Some people buy jewelry, some people buy bags, I bought horse tack.
A
Purchases made in the past to celebrate bonuses or achievements
Loewe Puzzle bag
Bottega bags
Tons of jewellery
This year I’ll get the bone cuff in silver.
Anon
Ohhh this is my category. Every year I buy myself a bonus present with 10% of my annual bonus. I think there’s definitely a lot of classic items if that’s your style. Personally, I like trendier pieces and buy jewelry. But for the classics, I’d argue a Cartier tank watch, diamond studs, gold studs, many styles of rings, pearl necklaces, and gold bracelets are all pretty classic. For handbags, Chanel makes some classic styles that I’d consider. There’s also Hermes scarves, you could start a collection if you don’t want to spend that much.
anon
I would like an eyeglasses case that I could clip to the top of my bag on the handle so I’d be more likely to use it rather than just dropping my glasses in my bag and letting them get scratched. I am the laziest of the lazy and have to make things supremely easy for myself. Anybody seen anything like that or have another suggestion?
Anonymous
You genuinely sound like a good candidate for the necklace style holder.
That being said, your search words are EYEGLASS CASE WITH CLIP, that will give you a clip case instead of a case for clip glasses. For a physical shop, you want somewhere where men 65+ who loves a tool shop for fun.
Anon
That sounds like those belt clips guys used to use for their cell phones, and about as attractive. Sorry!
Anon
I think you have to decide to just take 20 seconds to care for your stuff a little bit.
anon
Ooh, I’ve seen something like that! I think they’re cute, if pricey (they ship from Germany) and not a full case: https://any-di.com/en/collections/aw22-rendezvous
Anon
Has anyone watched Woman of the Dead? It’s on Netflix and is in German (takes place in Austria or somewhere like the Alps) but you can listed to a dubbing or with subtitles.
Anonymous
I binged it. Beautiful scenery, not a very interesting or unique plot, unsatisfying ending. I’m not sad I watched it though. I totally want to plan a trip to the Alps now!
Anon
I hate the cold and like to be an hour from the ocean, max, but I do want to go to the alps now. My inner Heidi is calling.
Anon
I saw it and was intrigued. Is it pretty slow/atmospheric or more of a faster paced kind of thing?
Anon for this
I think this is a vent? Advice and anecdotes welcome.
Time will tell if this is stupid, but I just told my manager that I’m not happy in my role. I’m almost 15 years into my career, and this is a tight job market. We may see layoffs. But she asked directly, and I was honest. Guess we will see how this plays out.
Anon
I’d get my resume updated and start job searching. Worst case scenario if you get laid off and you’re on unemployment while job hunting.
Anon
What were you hoping she would do with this information?
Anon for this
I honestly just didn’t want to lie to her face. I had been withholding the information prior, since I don’t think she has much room to act.
anon a mouse
This sounds like one of those “hope for the best but prepare for the worst” situations. Brush up your resume just in case. But your manager may be aware of other changes across your org and hoping to get you into a better fit.
Anon
I did something similar, and I got let go. But in my situation, I would have gotten let go even if I’d smiled and said everything was rainbows and unicorns. If they want to keep you, they will, and if they already made up their mind to let you go, nothing you could have said would change that.
nuqotw
Good vibes – it may go very well! Many moons ago my then great-grand-boss called me into his office to ask how things were going. I was 26ish and sure if I said I was unhappy (and I was) I was up this many levels to be transitioned out. In retrospect I’m not sure why I thought this – he was not one to fire anyone out of the blue or for being unhappy. So I said everything was fine. He said “No it’s not.” It turned out he knew already that I was unhappy. He offered me different role that I liked much better (different work, more predictable client demands) and I stayed on.
Anon for this
Wow, that’s definitely a best case.
anon
I have had an experience like this as well. I’m a partner at an MBB and one day I broke down and cried in front of the leader of my (all male) practice and he was super thoughtful about problem solving with me in the moment but also over the long term to help me get back to a place where I was enjoying my work. I’m deeply grateful, and at this point in my career people are super candid with me about their happiness and I try to help them solve it. If the answer is leaving the firm, then more power to them. I don’t think this needs to be such a big thing.
Anon
I had a similar conversation with my manager about 6 months ago. I don’t think what I said was a surprise to him, and he reacted really well and has been working to get me projects in a different area that’s more interesting to me. However I’m in higher ed and we’re relatively layoff-proof (they happen but it’s very rare and usually performance-related).
Anon
I think the diplomatic way to phrase this (for anyone else listening) is “I’m ready for a new challenge.”
Unhappy was not super great, if that was your choice of words. Happiness varies so much from person to person. I know people who have never been happy, no matter the circumstances. As a manager, I’m more concerned with “are you willing to stay” and not with whatever an employee perceives as happiness. There’s a reason they call it work, after all.
I’m probably still jaded from managing a bunch of new hires who were all great students in college, considered themselves special, and were shocked that they not only had to do entry level work, but that they had to do it more than once! I’m not saying that is the case for you, but that was the year I learned not to ask whether someone was “happy.” I asked whether they wanted to take on additional challenges.
anon
I had a boss who liked to ask, “Are you still having fun?” I mean … fun is a very strong word for work.
Anon
ha ha…. totally know what you mean.
My favorite one is when people would ask me…. “How are you enjoying your new position etc…?”
Well, I would say… “Joy… Joy? I can’t say I really feel any joy, you know?”
Curious
Lol Amazon does this “Work Hard. Have Fun. Make History”, and I’m like, at least one of these is overblown.
Anon
“Are we having fun yet?” for the Party Down fans.
Anon for this
I framed it as being concerned about opportunities for growth, so that’s probably fine. I believe I was very diplomatic, but it’s still an awkward message.
Anon
As a boss, I like when my staff is candid but truthfully my reaction varies based on who it is. If one of my star employees was unhappy, I’d move heaven and earth to fix things. If I felt the person was replaceable, then I’m probably doing nothing different except maybe not assigning long term work or good clients – it makes less sense to give work that matters to someone who’s got a foot out the door. So a lot of the result really depends on your standing with the boss.
An.On.
My mentor is retiring. I worked with them for a long time at my old job until I left for another job a year ago, and part of why they’re retiring is related to why and how I left. They protected me from a lot of conflict when I left, and I feel responsible for leaving them with a mess, so to speak, so this feels very personal to me. I’m still on good terms with my mentor and I took them out to dinner last year after we stopped working together as thanks. I could do that again, but does anyone have other suggestions on things I can do for the occasion?
Anon
Your mentor retired from a dysfunctional company. That actually doesn’t have much to do with you. I recall hearing that a longtime employee’s retirement date was “TBD – two bad days” away. As in, once he had a few bad days at the office, he would legacy because he didn’t need the stress anymore.
Anononon
What is the best conference swag you have ever gotten?
My firm is sponsoring a women’s event as part of a conference and we’re trying to think of something creative to give away. Best one I can recall is someone handing out those deodorant remover sponges with a little tag that said “there for whatever your emergencies are” or something like that — it was indeed a life saver. Have also gotten a branded pocket mirror. We just don’t want to hand out boring coffee cups or something. Conference is in a warm weather location if that makes a difference.
Anne-on
I was a plus one at an event in Vail in August many years ago. The room had LL Bean boat and tote bags with a big fluffy beach towel, sunblock, and waffle robes along with a gift card to the hotel spa for all us wives/plus ones. This was also long enough ago (2009 ish?) that they had a separate agenda of activities for us too. More recently I’ve seen people go nuts over the big golf umbrellas at local events (they are a huge pain to fly with) and travel phone chargers (the good ones from Anker) are always a solid choice.
Anonymous
I want Coola sunscreen with your logo on it.
Anon
I think I’m in the minority but I really like t-shirts. I wear them for sleeping. Flash drives are common but useful. I also don’t mind mugs, I feel like you can never have enough mugs. Please don’t do something “girly” like makeup or nail polish – it reads so sexist to me. Plus you generally want male allies at a women’s event.
Curious
But women’s sizes on the t-shirts! make sure they fit hips!
Anon
I prefer straight cut (“men”s, although I would say it’s unisex) actually. It’s way more comfortable for sleeping and hiking which are pretty much the only things I wear t-shirts for. If I want to look cute, I’m not wearing a conference t-shirt :) I think it’s nice to offer both options.
Anon
We have too many mugs. We are currently disposing of mugs that lack sentimental value.
Senior Attorney
+1
Anon
I donate t shirts immediately, or refuse them at the registration table if possible. Same with backpack or tote type things (unless it’s a resuable shopping bag)! Everone likes different things I guess.
Nesprin
Canvas tote style conference bag >>> other types of conference bag (I don’t want a backpack, duffel, one or shouldered backpack).
Anonymous
The most useful I’ve ever received was a Leatherman tool, a LED torch and a usb charger scramble unit.
Anon
An Italian stove-top espresso maker.
An umbrella.
Decent pens.
Please avoid anything fragranced if you are going with hygiene, cleaning or personal products.
Cat
Inexpensive and small – laptop camera covers that said something like “we’ve got you covered”
I also use a bunch of travel-friendly things like (1) a multi-charger cord (like the kind that has the Apple and micro USB and USB C ends), (2) a multi-USB that has an extension cord to plug into the wall (since those d*mn lamp USBs in hotels never seem to actually work), (3) little ceramic discs that go in the bottom of your car’s drink holder cups and absorb spills.
Have zero-to-negative need for coffee cups or whatever the latest trend in water bottles is. As part of a recent declutter, I will be donating fourteen, yes fourteen, fancy water bottles that I don’t use. Also no reusable bags, which I am drowning in but somehow am incapable of throwing away.
pugsnbourbon
I don’t know if it was truly useful, but we gave out little silicone luggage ties (“spotterties” is the brand) with our logo on them. Made it easier to spot your basic black roller after it was inevitably gate-checked.
Anon
One particularly good piece of conference swag was a decent bottle of red wine, a branded bottle opener, a branded wine glass, and some snacks. They were in my room when I checked in. It was so nice to be able to relax with a glass of wine and some nuts when I didn’t want to go to whatever cocktail reception was that evening.
Another big hit was a basket of Herbivore brand skincare, smallish sizes.
Some of this stuff I had to leave behind when I was flying home, like the wineglass, but it was so nice to have while I was there.
Anon
This might be unique to my line of work, but I always seem to hang on to swag clothes from promotional events. There useful for keeping sunglasses clean and laptops screens clean.
Anon
Sorry Lens* clothes
Anon
Not swag, but after Hurricane Sandy, my boss got the whole team mini Maglites. I still use mine.
Anon
I am jealous of all these fancy conferences.
Nesprin
Charger adapters and phone chargers and things like tide pens are always useful when traveling. Good candy and a comfy place to sit are always a plus.
But really, the absolute best conference swag is timers (admittedly science specific). Labs never ever have enough timers and I’d talk to a vendor for ever to get a handful of battery powered magnet backed timers.
Anon
I killed the swag at my org’s annual conference this year and I’m happy I did. It’s garbage that nobody will use so why waste resources (yours, the planet’s) on it.
anon
I would love to get rid of swag for this very reason. Most of it is incredibly wasteful.
Anon
If any of y’all thrift shop, you will know what I mean when I say that so much of this crap ends up in the waste stream that it’s mind-boggling. Every time I go thrifting, the number of swag/branded mugs, water bottles, bottle openers, t-shirts, jackets, backpacks, back scratchers, etc. I see is amazing. I imagine not very much of it will end up selling in the thrift store, and so it will get dumped in a landfill. And think about all the stuff people threw out vs. donating it, or that the thrift store rejected before it hit the sales floor. It’s kind of appalling, the resources put into something people might use once (or never use) and then discard.
Anon
+1 if you must do something, please do something consumable or that people buy/use anyways that will either get used or is easy to give away (food, wine, sunscreen, hand sanitizer)
Marketiere
I like mini first-aid kits. They are handy and I leave them in the bottom of purses, glovebox, etc so I am never without basic first aid.
anonshmanon
I’d be very peeved to go to a (professional, I assume) women’s event and receive swag like like a pocket mirror or those wipes. What decade is this?
Anon
I was interviewing with a top, top woman in tech, and she complained about going to tech conferences aimed at women and getting pink goody bags and seeing booths giving makeup lessons!
JM
Combination tape measure and level!
thanksgiving anxiety
wow love this. stealing this idea
anon
I received something similar to (but not exactly) this: https://lofta.com/products/copy-of-lofta-cpap-universal-travel-adapter-for-us-au-eu-uk-asia-covers-over-150-countries?currency=USD&utm_campaign=US-Batteries-SMRT-GSN-SHOP&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&gclid=Cj0KCQiA_P6dBhD1ARIsAAGI7HDKB1MbuJ0CAD8wdSzWfWKMQDxLtNisyTHKsjZhz-73m4nZXBjvKa4aAs7OEALw_wcB
It’s so useful and compact!
Senior Attorney
Oh, I would love that!
Anon
I think I got stuck in mod.
At a recent conference, I received something similar to this: https://lofta.com/products/copy-of-lofta-cpap-universal-travel-adapter-for-us-au-eu-uk-asia-covers-over-150-countries?currency=USD&utm_campaign=US-Batteries-SMRT-GSN-SHOP&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&gclid=Cj0KCQiA_P6dBhD1ARIsAAGI7HDKB1MbuJ0CAD8wdSzWfWKMQDxLtNisyTHKsjZhz-73m4nZXBjvKa4aAs7OEALw_wcB
It’s one of the. most useful things I’ve ever gotten at a conference.
Explorette
A massage ball that is hard to describe. It’s a hard marble ball that sits inside a cup type thing, so it has a flat base but the ball rolls around inside of it. I lay on top of it and work on the stubborn knot in my shoulder blades every night. I love it.
Anonymous
the trendy tech thing that I actually like right now are goodr sunglasses. but generally i agree – no swag!!! it just becomes junk in my home
Anonymous
If you hand out swag, especially “girly” swag, I will think you are out of touch. Deliver a substantive presentation with novel, actionable insights and I will be impressed.
Anonymous
Hand sanitizer spray that is flat and rectangular. Fits perfectly in a pocket or purse. Preferably one that’s refillable.
Anon
The meeting rooms at the conferences I attend are usually freezing cold. One year, a freebie was unbranded, warm shawls. These were a huge hit, and all the women I know who snagged one still use it.
anon
I agree that we all have too much stuff and I tend to skip swag.
Some good or great items I have used or donated:
*Google Home Voice assistant [or whatever is the name]
*Luxuriously soft, oversized no-company-logo hoodie [still have it and is soft after 20 washes]
*External wifi/bluetooth loudspeaker
*Bluetooth noise-cancelling headphones
*Wool blanket
*Smoothie mixer
*Cabin luggage
*Pretty lux phone chain with detachable cover for airpods
*Various books on leadership [some of them signed]
*Keychain with light
*Lux paper notepad with padded cover