Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Daleah Sheath Dress

361 Comments

1. We are expecting and cannot choose a name! I love Jack, but our last name starts with a “K” sound. So, something like “Jack Kramer.” Does that double K consonant sound too harsh or otherwise odd?

   1. You’d name him John, yes? Jack is one of several nicknames for that. John Kramer as an adult sounds fine. “I go by Jack.” There is the monster Jackie (Aprille Junior, from the Sporanos) that I can confirm happens in the wild. My husband was a Johnny but I’ve never called him that.

      1. Mobster, not monster.

      2. That’s a weird assumption. Jack is a nickname for John, sure, but plenty of people just name a child Jack, not as a nickname. It’s on my list!

      3. Lately I have only seen Jack as an actual name, not a nickname for John.

         1. Jack Kennedy is the best example I can think of this. He was actually “John Fitzgerald Kennedy.” His son, John Fitzgerald Kennedy Jr went by “John-John” and then “JFK Jr” but never John (maybe for the bar exam?) or Jack. Jack Nicholson is also a John.

            1. By lately, I assume she meant for new babies / younger kids / the current generation. I’ms sure Anonymous at 9:16 is well aware that historically many Jacks had the full name John. She’s just making the point that in today’s day and age that’s less common and several Jacks are now just Jack (to counter the weird assumption that Anon at 8:52 made).

            2. Yes we know. But it’s weird to assume all Jacks are John’s.

            3. It’s not a weird assumption.It’s just old school naming conventions.Some people may make assumptions about the socio-economic background of someone with what is traditionally a nickname for their legal name. Depends on whether this matters to you or not. And don’t come @ me over stating this. I’m not saying it’s good or anything just that it’s how it is with some people.

            4. Sorry, not a weird assumption but old fashioned. When I was born everyone needed a name that was both “proper” and a Saint’s name so when I hear people assuming that a Jack will be a John, it makes me think of the hand wringing that my Aunts do every time a cousin has a baby with a “modern” name. FWIW, the most recent name to cause concern was Dylan; obviously it’s a normal name but it’s “modern” and not a Saint’s name and TBH not WASPy enough for them to approve…

      4. I don’t get why you assume they would name him John. Jack is a perfectly normal name. If that’s what they want to call him, they should name him that

         1. Joe is a name, but when a name is historically a nickname, I’d go with the full name in a birth certificate. Sally is similar maybe, but historically it is a diminutive of Sarah. Bill. Harry (nickname of Henry; Prince Harry is IIRC actually Henry).

            1. One of my irrational and silly pet peeves is people giving their kid a full name they never intend to use! If he’s going to be Jack, name him Jack.

            2. IDK re that. I might call my Joseph “Joey” but I would not want to have that be his actual name. Nicknames among family may be a think a kid grows up hate and I’d like him or her to have an option of a more formal name for when they start working.

            3. Yeah, I have a Teddy but he’s Theodore on the birth certificate.

            4. Disagree. I actually get peeved when parents give their kids a nickname as a full name. It’s a bit weird to not allow your kid to “outgrow” the nickname because it’s a given name, and the adult will spend their entire lives explaining “my name isn’t Katherine; my parents literally put Katie on the birth certificate.”

            5. +1 to 10:21, I think it does a major disservice to the kid to give them a nickname rather than the real name.

            6. I’m a Katherine who goes by Katie but I went to grade school with a girl whose full name was Katie and I always thought that was odd.

               90% of the time I’m Katie, but I appreciate having the ability to use Katherine when I want. Tbh I really prefer Katherine over Katie but never tried to make the switch. But, it’s nice to know I had that option if I wanted it.

               But, I do think Jack is established enough as a standalone name that it’s fine to just be Jack.

            7. RE: nicknames, if it’s a name that’s established as a full name on its own, like Jack, then I don’t see the point in naming him John if he’s literally never going to be called John. Prince Henry/Harry is another great example. I understand why they named him Henry because it’s a royal name, but if he was a normal ordinary person, just name him Harry if you’re never going to call him Henry.

            8. Prince Harry’s doing the nickname thing, too: Archie and Lilibet, not Archibald and Elizabeth, are his kiddos’ given names.

            9. It makes sense that Harry and Meghan gave their kids nicknames as given names, since Harry goes by Harry and Meghan goes by her middle name!

            10. To anon at 10:21, I’m a Katie with the full name of Katherine and I have spent my entire life explaining to people that no I go by Katie, not Kate or Katherine. You are going to be explaining something either way I would have preferred to have just been Katie on my birth certificate. But you are probably one of those rude people that asks me why I still go by Katie now that I’m “grown up” when I should go by Kate or Katherine!

            11. To be fair, it’s not like Prince Harry’s kids are going to go out and do a resume that gets passed over because they think that the kid doesn’t get office norms because they put “Archie” on a resume and not “Archibald”. And in that kid’s case, I’d go by “A.J. Sussex” or something vanilla. But that kid’s not going to be in the summer intern class at PWC or whatever. I wouldn’t want a name that is overly twee or overly woo (Leafe River Smith-Jones); if so, I’d just go by “Susan” Smith and then use my real name only when filling out HR forms where they needed my legal name, which I might actually change (but never tell my parents).

            12. “One of my irrational and silly pet peeves is people giving their kid a full name they never intend to use! If he’s going to be Jack, name him Jack.”

                But that’s how you know your mother is big mad at you – you get called the full name!

            13. Anonymous at 12:08, your issues go beyond your name. That response was completely uncalled for.

            14. 12:29, my kid hates her real name because apparently I only use it when she’s in trouble!

         2. This. Also, I call my husband “Johnny.” It’s familiar and affectionate. What’s the problem?

            1. When I met my husband, he was going by John. His dad was also John and it seemed like as an adult he had moved beyond his family nickname. I’d call him that if he want by that; there aren’t two people with the same name in our household so there isn’t any confession like there may have been when he was a kid.

            2. I think it’s so cute when grown men call their friends the -y nicknames. I have several friends who only go by Dan, Tom, Matt, Mike and then their super close male friends call them Danny, Tommy, Matty, Mikey. Several of these men didn’t even go by the -y nicknames as small kids, but their close friends call them that.

      5. Jack is in the top 10 popular names – not John. I have a “just Jack” and love it!

   2. Worked fine for Jack Kennedy, but I agree with the poster above about the name on the birth certificate officially being John, even if every other use is Jack.

   3. The double K doesn’t sound off-putting to me since it’s pronounced crisply, vs a soft sound that just mushes together (like John Nelson). The sheer ubiquity of Jack right now however would give me pause – I personally know 4 toddler Jacks…

      1. I’m 30 and my graduating class of 115 had 3 Jacks so I think it’s been that ubiquitous for a while now.

         I love the name Jack and don’t think there’s an issue in repeating the K sound.

         It seems most Jacks I know are John*, but quite a few have Jack as their full name. I also know two Jacksons who go exclusively by Jack so you have several options for “full name” if you are wary of Jack K.

         *I grew up in a very Irish Catholic area so everyone was given a Saint’s name. I think now that less people are practicing (or in less Catholic areas), Jack and Jackson are becoming popular. For example one of the Jackson who goes by Jacks that I knew is a friend I met in college who is Jewish

         1. Don’t forget Jaxon.

            1. Luckily I’m too old for that trend!

         2. Don’t forget Jacob as the “proper name” for Jack, which is common in Jewish families.

            1. I had never heard of that but I do know a Jake which is a nickname for James not Jacob!

            2. My great grandfather was a Jewish jacob who went by “jack” in order to assimilate in a very not Jewish area. I considered that for my child and I still like “jack” on its own. The judgey folks can go kick rocks.

            3. James is the English version of Jacob, IIRC.

            4. Yes — that why “Jacobite” is used to talk about King James, etc.

            5. Yes! My grandfather was a Jacob who went by Jack. My brother is named after him, a Jonathan that goes by Jon.

      2. My husband has a double K sound (end of first name and first letter of last). He has to enunciate and sometimes spell, because his first name would be a plausible different name without the K. What the heck–it’s “Luke,” and people sometimes think he said “Lou.”

         Jack should be a safer choice in that regard.

         1. Oh yes, I thought football player Luke Kuechly’s name was Lou for at least a season!

         2. You are married to Luke Kiekley (former Carolina Panthers player)?

            1. You mean former BC Eagle ;)

            2. Heh. Nope, but somewhat similar name.

   4. It doesn’t sound too harsh, but if your kid doesn’t enunciate super well the words will run together and be hard for people to understand (I have this problem). I’d go for something with more difference.

      1. I agree with this.

   5. I think it sounds nice. Either as Jack or John.

   6. I was in the exact same situation! Love Jack but my last name starts with a hard K. Growing up, I hated the way my name flowed and people were always tripping up on it (hard C into a hard C. . .didn’t change much when I got married!), so we opted for a different name. What about John or James?

      When I brought up my concerns to my mom, she said something I hadn’t thought of before: once boys hit middle school, a lot of them go through a 10-15 year phase of being referred to almost entirely by their last name anyway. So who cares if the first and last name flow? :)

      1. I’m a 40 year old Lauren. My last name is so much a nickname that I used to tell new people in my office that it was absolutely fine to call me that, or the first syllable of it, or they first syllable of it with a y. Maybe it’s not professional but my first name is too common to do its job and I find men do this and no one takes them less seriously.

   7. You’re not naming your kid something weird like Jacknife, so Jack is perfectly lovely (unless your last name was Off, or similar).

      1. In 2023, I’d never assume that. I know some poor kid named Jaston, a baby sibling of a kid in my kid’s class.

      2. Yes, if Nick Offerman ever had a son the name Jack would certainly be off the table!

         1. I had never thought of this, LMAO

            I’ve seen plenty of kids in the wild with Jack, just Jack, as their first name. I don’t think the alliteration of the names is a problem. I have also seen several Jacksons, and also Jaxon (or – ugh – Jaxxon), which to me is a lame and unnecessary spelling alternative.

         2. haahahaa

   8. I think it sounds great together. If Jack is the name you want, go for it.

   9. I know someone with an almost identical name. Never thought it sounded weird.

      Agree that it’s better to have the given name be John – it gives your son some extra options.

   10. growing up there was a kid in my grade who was Jack with a K last name – never thought it sounded strange

   11. I would do it without hesitation but would also do John “goes by Jack.” Half because of the hard K, and half because I love a good nickname.

   12. How about Jackson, call him Jack. That way no two ks.

       I’m another poster who thinks Jack is a nickname.

       I know an adult man whose legal first name is Bobby. His dad was Robert and apparently his parents thought this was cute. It’s not that cute on an adult, and he’s had to correct various things filled out as Robert by well-meaning others.

       1. +1 – Jack is still a nickname and today it’s more commonly the nickname for Jackson

          1. Jack ranks higher than John, Jackson or any other iteration in the SSA name list. It’s definitely an established name on its own.

             1. +1

                I’m against nicknames as full names, but IMO Jack is a standalone name as well as a nickname.

       2. I find Jack stylish and modern but Jackson pretentious and clumsy.

   13. OP here and thank you for the replies! Re the Jack/John debate: my FIL’s name is John and for various reasons we do not want to name our son John. We are considering Jackson as the “formal” name but I kinda like just plain Jack.

       1. Jack is a perfectly lovely name on its own!

       2. I vote for Jackson in your case because Jack is a nickname for John and your son’s dad is named John, therefore “Jack’s son.”

          1. OP’s FIL is John, not OP’s partner.

             I vote for Jack over Jackson. Jackson always sounds like a business name to me!

          2. Oh, well then. Never mind. ;)

             1. I also know a Jackson who is literally Jack’s son (Jack is of course legally John) – I thought it was so cute when they named him. He’s headed to college now. Still goes by Jackson since dad goes by Jack.

       3. There are so many “new fangled” naming trends running loops around the country, and across different community cultures for the last few decades. Jack seems very traditional to me already. If you like it, I’d just go for it. I’m in California and not a single boy in our preschool class has anything besides a non-traditional name or non-English name, but there is a Jack in the next class up.

          1. My son is Ryan (it was a last name in my family) and he was the only male Ryan in his graduating class a couple of years ago – but there were female Ryans! That’s one I didn’t expect when naming him.

          2. Another CA data point: most of my son’s friends who are boys have pretty traditional names (lots of Alexanders, Henrys, Evans, Olivers, Leos, etc.). I feel like there are way more girls with what my mom would call “hippie” names, with huge Sophia / Olivia / Isabella contingents. My kids go to schools that are very racially diverse and a lot of the names seem popular across cultures.

             I truly don’t care what people name their kids, but I went Super Duper Traditional with my kids and I have no regrets. They can choose a nickname, either from their first name or their middle names, or get another one altogether.

             1. I don’t get how Sophia, Olivia, or Isabella are hippie names. Those seem pretty traditional to me

       4. For what it’s worth…
          I think the name Jack by itself is a fine name, but…
          if I only tangentially knew the family and that your FIL name was John, I would think that you named your son Jack as a quiet nod to FIL. I associate Jack and John together enough that I think there is a link.
          You may want to do Jackson as a formal name to clearly differentiate to FIL that you’re not naming your son after him. I also prefer a more formal name with a nickname, but it might be my preference because that’s what I have (think formal name Kimberly, nn Kim). My best friends name is Erin, so no nicknames, and she was constantly trying to come up with nicknames when we were little because she thought it was fun to have a nickname.

       5. i had no idea Jack was a nickname for anything until reading this thread. my grandfather’s name was Jack. I went to school with a Jack, have two friends with sons named Jack and nothing else. And who cares if it is or not. I personally cannot stand when people name their kid one thing, but want them to be called something else, it is too confusing.

          1. Agree with this. For younger generations, there is not a strong association between John and Jack. I’m 30 and didn’t learn that Jack was a nickname for John until I was in high school and was so confused by it. They’re both…one syllable J names that sound nothing alike. It makes zero sense and to be perfectly blunt, it’s outdated (see: many of the examples listed above are people born in the mid-20th century). I love “just Jack”! Go for it!

       6. The double hard K sounds is awkward to my tongue, when saying names like Jack Kramer.

          I know a Jackson and think it’s a great name.

   14. The double hard K sounds is awkward to my tongue, when saying names like Jack Kramer.

       I know a Jackson and think it’s a great name.

   15. What about James ? You could call him Jamie.

2. I am considering buying some office jackets from The Real Real, which would be my first purchase there. Any tips on the mechanics? What happens if they arrive and I don’t like them, or they don’t look like the pictures or they don’t fit? TIA

   1. The return policy varies by item, so look for it in the right-hand column on each thing you’re looking to buy. I have used their return policy and found it to be applied accurately without a problem, though I’d taken screenshots in case I needed to involve my cc.

   2. If you’re buying something super on sale you won’t be able to return it. Make sure you check. I once returned something that was not eligible for returns because it was a totally different garment than what was in the pictures, but “I don’t like it” or “it didn’t fit” isn’t generally an acceptable reason if it’s not eligible for returns.

3. Elizabeth, this is such a pretty dress! I only wish I still had my pre-pandemic tuchus, but I am afraid that has gone the way of the 20th century! Right now, I am much more of an A-line girl who is trying and doing my best to look as svelte as I can at my age, while recognizing that as a professional 41 year old, I just don’t have my college tuchus anymore. To everyone in the HIVE, I urge you not to fall prey to fhaughty saleswomen who insist we dress like college women, after we have put on 20+ or more pounds, often centralized and concentrated in our stomachs and tuchuses. There are plenty of beautiful dresses that can still enhance our fuller figures, so I encourage us to dress in a more age appropriate way, and we can still attract men who want to date or even marry us. YAY!!

4. Weird question to start the day. What is this awful flying bug that bites behind the ears or on your scalp hair part? It takes a patch of skin off and the bite bleeds. Several hours later the bite swells up and itches far worse than a mosquito bite. We get these bugs in our midwest US yard every spring and they swarm us whenever we go outdoors. They seem to be bigger than a fruit fly but smaller than a housefly.

   1. I suspect these are black flies…they are the worst! Their season is short, so hopefully they will go away.

   2. Black flies? The bites are actually painful, not just itchy.

   3. Yikes, I’ve lived in three different Midwest states my entire life and have never experienced this. Good luck!

      1. As a 40-something adult, I live about 20 miles from where I grew up. I never encountered these flies until about 10 years ago. Now, they are voracious. Maybe their territory is changing as the climate shifts? Regardless, they are horrid. At least I haven’t noticed the bite itself hurting any more than it does to get stung by a mosquito. The bleeding mess is revolting, though, and the itch is maddening. I don’t like covering myself in bug spray just to enjoy the backyard but it seems to be a necessity these days.

   4. Definitely sound like black flies. I’ve only run into them in New England forests, not Midwestern backyards (I’ve lived all over), but they’re pretty unmistakable and very miserable!

   5. Also think they sound like black flies, but I also didn’t think they came down to the Midwest. I’ve only experienced them in eastern Canada (Quebec). They are horrific. Itch like crazy and if I get more than 3 of them, I actually get nauseated. One thing to know if they are black flies: DEET is less effective on them. Use picaridin instead.

   6. Deerfly maybe? They’re about housefly size but distinct coloring. They used to swarm us in our backyard growing up. Hate them!

      1. No, these are way smaller than a deerfly. More like the deerfly’s sleek, sneaky, mini-me. Looked up black flies and I think that’s what we are dealing with. Definitely hate them whatever they are called!

      2. I think deerfly too. They’re the little version of the dreaded horsefly. Both tear skin when they bite.

         Deer flies are about house fly size. Horse flies are much bigger.

         1. No, as I said, these are smaller than a house fly, much smaller than a deer fly, and no where in the realm of horse fly.

   7. Black flies. Many lakeside resorts in our New England state give early season discounts in June due to black flies. They are vicious.

      If you are working in your yard or on vacation and not worried about looks, try folding a bandana in half into a triangle. Spray the long folded edge with bug spray and tie the bandana over your hair. The sprayed edge fixed the problem around the hairline and ears.

      1. That is brilliant! Bug spray does seem effective, I just hate to douse myself only to sit out on the deck for 15 minutes. A hat works on the parts it covers, so perhaps the bandana-deterrent combo will be the best of both worlds. Thank you!

   8. A horsefly!

5. So, where can I get a cape/robe/jacket thing with ribbons and bling on it? I have no medals but lots of pins and after watching the coronation I want a crazy maximalist thing. Strong Andre Leon Talley vibes from that look, which is an excellent hung in my book.

   1. Kate’s whole look was amazing. She almost upstaged Camilla.
      I think for us mere mortals we have to settle for things like fringe and tassels, lest we resemble a sad, extinguished firework on July 5th.

      1. I would much rather have that than my academic regalia for my BA. It is like the best post-marathon silver wrap thingie ever.

   2. I loved everything about Kate’s and Charlotte’s outfits. Also totally into Penny Mordaunt’s ensemble.

      Apologies to any very committed monarchists, but I do find the actual St. Edward’s crown to look quite silly. It’s so big that it doesn’t look real. Although I did enjoy that Archbishop Welby sat it on his head and then sort of fussed with it a bit to make sure it was sitting straight. It was very mother hen.

      1. I figured he was fussing with it so it didn’t fall off! Talk about a bad omen.

         1. I heard the TV commentator say it was like 6 pounds. Given that and the height, I’d think falling off is a very real concern. Heck, I’m half his age and my neck hurts just thinking about it.

      2. Yes, I loved Kate’s and Charlotte’s outfits, too. And I just looked up Penny Mordaunt and… wow! I thought Charles and Camilla looked just sad and awkward.

   3. There was a woman at the coronation who I think is on the king’s staff. She had a magnificent dress that reminded my kids of a pangolin and I would like that for myself. It was amazing.

      1. The cape dress? Penny Mourdant she’s not on the kings staff.

         1. Oh, no. I had to dig a bit, but it’s the dress worn by Eva Omaghomi and she is part of the royal household as the Director of Community Engagement.

            https://www.legit.ng/entertainment/celebrities/1533366-lady-storms-king-charles-coronation-adorned-yoruba-attire-stir-nigeria-represented/

            1. That is awesome.

            2. Nigerian women know how to represent.

   4. I think go for actual Andre Leon Talley vibes. Kate’s robe was puckered along the seams in back. I’m not sure why anyone let that go forward – maybe it only got finished at the last minute? It reminded me of a school play costume.

      ALT had sumptuous robes and capes of velvet and brocade and other heavy fabrics. If you’re going to be fabulous, be very very fabulous! And don’t forget the matching hat.

      1. They did show up late, maybe that was why.

         1. No they didn’t.

   5. Fifteen years ago, ABS would have had knock-offs in stores in major malls across the US within a couple weeks. No more. I bet knockoffs of the headpiece show up in a few weeks, though. Perhaps even on the Buckingham Palace gift shop website.

      1. Oh man, I miss those ABS knockoffs, about every other girl at my high school wore one of the ‘Rose’ dresses from Titanic (the one with a black beaded overlay over a colored satin slip dress) to one of the formal dances.

6. This suit with sneakers trend is giving me strong nostalgia vibes for Working Girl. Granted, back then, it was only Reeboks, work with scrunched socks or ankle socks, and with hose underneath. I wasn’t here for it the first time because I was still a kid but longed to be a grownup and first imprinted on this as a professional look for women who commute. I’m hoping perms won’t return but so far everything from 1986-1991 seems to be back.

   1. Yes same! One of my early impressions was Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters commuting to some important Manhattan job in Reeboks and tights. I wanted her fabulous apartment, ghosts or not.

   2. I was a kid at that time, and we only rolled our eyes at our Mom’s! We thought the look was terrible, although my Mom would be the first to agree with us, but we understood that it was a necessity because all of our Mom’s commuted on the train…. and many had been mugged! You need to be safe, and ready to run….

      But our Mom’s NEVER wore the Reeboks for their work day. My Mom worked in Big Law and had an assortment of heels in her office she changed into. I still cannot accept the white sneakers with suits/dresses look. Just … no.

      1. Same, I haaate the white sneaker trend right now, and wearing them with dressy clothes looks awful to me.

         1. I’m waiting for it to go away. I appreciate foot health but come on with the giant white marshmallows.

      2. Ellen? That you?

         1. Haha…. I can’t decide if I feel flattered or insulted by your jab!

            1. Moms in your context is plural, not possessive

            2. It was said with a smile and love in my heart … I just felt like you were channeling the silly charm of Ellen!

            3. I wondered the same thing!

   3. Are stirrup pants back yet?

      1. I think they’ve come and gone, actually :)

   4. Perms are returning – for some younger men. The “Gen Z hair” look for boys involves longer tousled curls on top of the head and then the sides clipped (not shaved) close. My son has naturally loosely curly hair and can pull this off with no problem; some of his peers with straight hair are getting perms so they can have the loose, tousled curls on the top. I never thought I would see the day, but here we are.

      I don’t think I could ever do a skirt suit with sneakers but I recently wore a black pantsuit with dark leather Ecco sneakers (and a band logo t-shirt underneath the suit jacket) and felt very hip and got lots of compliments. I felt it was very 2015 tech entrepreneur but it landed well at my office.

      1. Yes, my 23 year old son got the full thick curls from his dad and he can rock the look. And I hope the sneaker trend never ends.

   5. I committed to my first job in sneakers with business clothing. I don’t think I’m gonna do it again.

      I had a capacious handbag in which I carried both my work shoes and lunch.

      1. *commuted

   6. I had natural big curly 80s-90s hair so I’m waiting for it to make a comeback!!

   7. I always commute in business clothing and sneakers, though not chunky white ones (usually my gray Allbrids or my gym shoes if I’m going to the gym before or after work).

      A few times I’ve met up with my mom after work and she sees my outfit and makes a working girl comment, but I have never seen the movie (nor was I born when it came out!). I have a 1.5 mile walking commute (one-way) so I commute in sneakers and have a large collection of “desk shoes” to change into when I get into the office.

   8. Also Murphy Brown (TV show starring Candace Bergen as a TV reporter; she wore a lot of pant suits, big jackets and white Keds), link posted separately.

   9. https://styleofresistance.files.wordpress.com/2016/11/imgres-6.jpg?w=676 Candace Bergen as Murphy Brown with Keds

7. Passport help needed!

   We discovered yesterday that my husband’s passport expired a few months ago, and we are supposed to leave for a once in a lifetime international trip with our kids and extended family in 6 weeks. Expedited passports take 7-9 weeks, and we can’t even try to get an appointment in person at a passport center until our trip is in less than two weeks (even then, appointments are limited, there are no guarantees one will be available, and even if there is one, it might be across the country). Oh, and walk ins aren’t accepted. The trip cannot be rescheduled, so we are scrambling to find a solution.

   Has anyone tried Rush My Passport? Are there any other things we should try?

   1. I have done an appointment at the passport center within two weeks of my trip and it turned out totally fine. They know they are working with people with imminent trips. Just be extra sure you have all the paperwork etc done correctly for the appointment and it will be fine.

   2. Call your Congress persons constituent services office today.

      1. This.
         We had to do this for my infant daughter’s passport. I was kind of embarrassed and even said to the constituent services staff that I was sorry because I knew they had bigger (ie., real) problems on their plates. They responded that they were happy to help, in no small part because it was nice to have a “problem” that wasn’t so high stakes and someone for whom they could attain (positive) resolution, and that response did reassure me I wasn’t wasting their time with something trivial.

   3. apparently your local congressperson can actually help with this if you contact their office.

      1. +1 Call their local (not DC) office today

         1. Also – this is not good, you have to call literally within 14 days of your travel or they won’t engage with you. It’s a triage situation and you have to be in 14day crisis. (and also have verifiable travel/flight proof)

      2. If you’re the kind of person who likes reading anecdotes… definitely visit the r / passports subreddit. I am in a similar situation (my travel was in exactly 7wks from the day I mailed it in) and I’m feeling confident I can pull this off by 1) sending in expedited renewal and 2) if that fails, in person appt with congresswoman help.

         Don’t throw money away on a passport concierge company, there is nothing they can do for you that you cannot do yourself. The subreddit has alleviated a lot of my fears.

         1. Thanks! I was spiraling a bit yesterday since this trip is really important to me. Our congressperson’s office advised they can help with an appointment during the two week window, so until it’s just a waiting game. If all else fails, I guess I can take one kid and leave DH and the youngest at home, but I hope it doesn’t come to that.

            1. A friend of mine had this same issue recently and the passport agency got them the passport two days before the flight. Super stressful for her (it was also her husband whose passport had expired) but they got it.

   4. Where do you live? I know several people who have done the expedited in-person appointment process and they have always left the appointment with a new passport. But I live in DC, so it may be easier to get an appointment here than in other cities

      1. We are in the DC area. Thanks all!

         1. People in my area (nyc metro) often drive to Philadelphia for same-day service without a very long wait.

         2. You can also try to book a very cheap one way international ticket in the next week if you are feeling extra anxious.

            1. That is brilliant.

   5. If this makes you feel better, I have known several people this happened to and all of them were able to get their passports in time for their trip, if they realized it 1-2 months in advance, like you have. You have some runway here; it’s not like y’all are leaving tomorrow. I also had one friend who had her passport stolen in a house burglary two weeks before she was scheduled to leave on her once-in-a-lifetime trip to Thailand, and she got her congressperson involved and she was still able to travel. Breathe deep, it will be okay.

   6. I feel like this would be a good time for a PSA to remind people that many countries require you to have at least 6 months validity left on your passport beyond the dates of your trip, so if you have any international trips planned, check your passport expiration dates!

   7. This happened to my husband, also in DC. He used A1 Passport and Visa Express and it cost us a few hundred dollars but they were able to get it all sorted in time and if I recall correctly, he didn’t have to wait for the 2 weeks before… could do it slightly before then. It all seemed like it could be kind of sketchy but worked super well and I think they even did the photo for him? I’d google them. I only remember the name because they put a sticker on the back of his passport for a reminder…

8. I could use some advice on my relationship. We’re early 30s and have been dating for 2.5 years. I increasingly could see myself marrying him, but for one thing: sometimes I worry that he loves being a good boyfriend more than he loves me specifically. He is very sweet and thoughtful… but sometimes I think it comes from wanting to be good at a role (the way you might want to be a good worker or a good friend) versus inspired by his feelings for me. I do believe he loves me, but as I think longer term I worry the balance should be more in favor of loving the person. I am his first serious relationship so I worry if I try to talk to him about it, he might not have enough experience to know.

   Is that just semantics? Do I just give it more time? Has anyone been in a similar position?

   1. Everyone’s life goals are different, so please ignore this advice if it does not apply to you. My main concern is that you are over 30, have been dating for 2.5 years, and are not engaged. That often signals that he enjoys dating and doesn’t want to be single, but is not ready to get married yet or on some level thinks you are not the right person for him. This is definitely worth a “where do you see this going and in what time frame” talk.

      Disregard if marriage is not a life goal for you.

   2. How much time are you willing to invest in this guy? Forget about the first serious relationship thing – after 2.5 years you should be able to have a frank conversation about where the relationship is going, period. I understand not wanting to rock the boat or hear an answer you don’t like but being in this relationship has an opportunity cost. Would you rather spend another year with him then find out he doesn’t want to marry you?

      I’ve been grappling with the question of when it’s reasonable to have the “where is this going” conversation in my own relationship. I’m at the six month mark and worry maybe it’s too soon but after 2+ years I would definitely need a concrete answer.

      1. I should have mentioned in my post – we overall are on the same page that we’d both like to be married in general and if anything the hold-up is me (in addition to my above doubts, I’m finishing a doctorate this year which has consumed my life). But I guess I still feel uncertain if he wants to get married or get married to me.

         The answer is probably still to talk about it, but I haven’t figured out how to broach the conversation in a way that helps me get an answer. From observing him, I think he might really not know which it is.

         1. As I’m wrapping up X, I was thinking – where do you see yourself in five years? I’ve been thinking about us and realizing that we have a great partnership, but really haven’t had this conversation. So – in an ideal world, what does your life look like in 2028?

            FWIW, I really think that the best marriages I know are ones where people are strong partners. Love is wonderful and really held up on that ‘soulmate’ type pedestal, but truly: marriage is not only a romantic attachment but also a business relationship. It’s someone whose financial future will deeply impact your future happiness. It’s someone whose support will often either lift you up or hold you back. If given the choice, I’d pick the the one who works really hard to make me happy.

         2. The finishing a grad degree part does change things. A PhD program can really put your life on hold for some people, and both of you have probably held off on big decisions until that resolves. If either of you has to move cities, that’ll be clarifying :) If you don’t have the bandwidth to start talking about this before your defense, I get that. However, it doesn’t have to start as a huge talk… it’s a series of talks clarifying what you want out of life and seeing if you really want the same things and with each other.

   3. I feel like my husband is this way and we’re really happily married – 9 years on. He waited a long time to meet someone (I was also his first serious relationship) and was so excited to be a husband, and eventually a dad. And honestly, it’s great. Is it a fiery romance full of drama? Absolutely not. Is he the kindest, most loving husband/father? Yes absolutely.

      1. Thanks for sharing this.

         It is really helpful to hear about the assortment of relationships that develop into marriage.

      2. Yes! You want to be with someone who is inherently driven to be a good, faithful, loving partner. Remember the S*x and the City maxim that men are like cabs and you want to find one with their cab light on? Of course that is a stereotype but the philosophy was true of my husband and it has made for a wonderful partner that I can count on. And there is plenty of chemistry, too, so it’s not like you have to always trade one for the other.

         Best wishes to you and your boyfriend. Of course, talk through these things with him, too! He sounds like the type who would welcome the discussion.

         1. this. yes. a million times this. obviously if you are somehow getting vibes that this guy would just be pleasant to anyone and that there isn’t anything he specifically likes about you that’s different but in broad strokes absolutely 100 p yes you want to be with someone who likes the idea of being in a steady monogamous happy marriage with you or someone else suitable.

   4. My comment is in mod, likely because I referenced the show with Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha. However, this is a very good thing. If you want a spouse/long-term partner, then you should seek to be with someone who WANTS to be a committed relationship, not someone who loves you but is really fighting a personal urge to go do something else.

      1. “then you should seek to be with someone who WANTS to be a committed relationship, not someone who loves you but is really fighting a personal urge to go do something else.”

         OMG, yes. Some of the most heartbreaking breakups I’ve ever seen were between two people where there was genuine love, but one person did not really want to be tied down, didn’t want kids, didn’t think marriage was for them, etc. and the other person wanted those things. In some relationships, love isn’t the problem; logistics are the problem and when you’re talking about long-term partnership, you can’t separate love and logistics entirely.

         I would rather have the commitment orientation than the consuming passion. Consuming passion…consumes, and a lot of time what it consumes is common-sense, real-world considerations about whether or not two people are actually suited to build a life together.

   5. If you are already 30, have been dating someone for over 2 years…IME you either know or you don’t.

      Do you want to have a family? If yes, do you want it with him? When you are 40 (or 70) do you want to have him by your side? When you want to have a knock-down fight over a really important life thing on which you two fundamentally disagree, will you be able to ‘fight fair,’ hear each other out, and come from a place that you are both well intentioned?

      If the answer is not a clear yes, to any of the above, you should be dating other people. Life is too short.

      I’m 42, have been married for nearly 17 years, with kids, and we have been through a LOT. We’ve had some really rough times and made it through, but I’m not sure that would have been the case with anyone else I’ve ever met.

   6. Whenever there’s a “but” that’s your answer. Listen to your intuition here, it’s telling you something you probably don’t want to hear. There’s nothing wrong with an attentive partner, but you want someone who is into you specifically.

      1. I’m not generally sure about this; I think sometimes the “but” is just my own insecurity?

         1. If you’re insecure in everything, then perhaps that’s all it is. But if you’re only insecure in your relationship, it’s the relationship that you should take a look at.

            1. I am not sure that someone needs to be insecure in “everything” to be insecure in intimate relationships specifically. Sometimes that kind of insecurity goes back to experiences with family or friendships or prior relationships that don’t really have much to do with our confidence in other areas of life.

         2. Or you’re second guessing yourself because we get so much conflicting information about what relationships are “supposed” to look like. And much of the conventional wisdom is bad especially for women.

            I remember wringing my hands about breaking up with a 30 year old man who could not take care of dinner. I’m not talking cooking – he def didn’t know how to cook – I mean, if I asked him please figure out what we’re doing for dinner tonight, he would panic and shut down. My friends all told me I was being too hard on him. Like do you want to marry and have children with someone who can’t take care of basic life tasks? If your male friend said this about a woman he was dating how would you react?

            And this is a relatively harmless example. Don’t get me started on the victim blaming our society does to women who are in abusive or starting-to-become-abusive relationships.

            1. I cannot add anything to your last paragraph except “preach.”

               It is why I just had to fire, for lack of a better term, a marriage counselor who did this.

            2. Your friends sucked! My friends do not suffer man babies.

   7. I see this sentiment repeated a lot on r e ddit and I don’t understand it. There seems to be this myth that a “real” marriage is one where the desire to be married or to be a good spouse comes solely from an overwhelming passion for the other person and not at all for a desire to have marriage as part of your life; like people are supposed to be happy with their single lives and maybe one day someone will cross their path and they’re like MUST HAVE and they throw aside everything about their single life that brought them joy in the pursuit of THE ONE.

      I think people who approach relationships like this are doomed to fail. Some days you’re not going to like your partner very much. Most days you’re not going to feel butterflies. You need both love for this individual and a commitment to Marriage as an institution. I would see it as an unqualified positive for a man to demonstrate that he sees it as his responsibility to be a good partner.

      1. Flip side: I often feel like my husband wanted a wife and I fit into the “wife” slot. Problem is, his solution to problems is to make me fit into the “wife” slot, not change the shape of the wife slot to accommodate me, an actual person with needs and goals.

         I don’t wish it on anyone and literally have a tab open on my browser to schedule a consultation with a divorce attorney.

         1. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, and I have seen exactly what you’re talking about in other couples. If the OP is feeling that way – not just that maybe her partner isn’t as into her as he would objectively want him to be, but also that he wants her to fit in a mold she can’t fit in – this is a good heads-up to pay attention to that dynamic and work it out before things go further.

            Also, if you’re the poster (there may be more than one) who keeps posting that you hate your marriage and you want a divorce? If you just need someone to tell you to Do the Thing and call the divorce lawyer, here it is: do the thing. Call the divorce lawyer. If you’re miserable and it’s not getting better and you see no path forward to it getting better, it’s past time to get on the path to resolving this, for good. I know it’s scary and there are complex logistics, etc. But posting here about how unhappy you are and how much marriage sucks isn’t fixing your problem. Not saying you’re not welcome to do that here – I understand this is a safe place for some people to express things they can’t tell people IRL (it’s definitely that for me). But you need to move forward and just posting here isn’t moving you forward. A year from now you’ll thank your past self for what doing what you needed to do.

   8. So I’m going to give a raw answer to your heartfelt, very important question: I think on some level, we all do this in relationships, and I think that’s a big unspoken secret of relationships that doesn’t get communicated to young people.

      I love my husband, but I also chose to be with him vs. other people I could have been with because I knew he wanted to get married and have children, and I wanted to be a wife and a mother, and I could absolutely see that working out with him. I was (and am) physically attracted to him and we get along really well, but at the same time, I was looking for someone who was good husband and father material, not just someone who I liked a lot, or had a good time with in the sack, etc. I could see that the “role” of husband and father was important to him. Maybe he married me because “his light was on” and he wanted to be a husband and a dad. What I know for sure is that he is a level-headed dependable person who bears up under the weight of our considerable responsibilities and comes through for our family when needed.

      I don’t feel like it was wrong for me to choose my husband for those practical, hard-headed reasons vs. being stupidly madly in love with him to the point I couldn’t stand it and I couldn’t live without him. I’d been in an “all-consuming love” relationship prior to meeting my now-husband, and that person I was so in love with was not a good person, would have been a terrible husband and father, and in fact, ended up dying young of addiction-related disease. The “fireworks and butterflies” thing looks great in the movies but isn’t really what real long-term marriages are about, IMO.

      I had some feelings like you’re expressing about your BF – is my husband really into me, or is he just into this role, of being the good partner and dad? And then I remembered, this is a full-grown adult with agency over his choices and if he didn’t want to do this, he likely wouldn’t do it. It goes back to that whole “if he wanted to, he would” thing. For the most part, grown independent educated self-supporting adults with agency do what they want to do in their lives. And they don’t do what they don’t want to do. Actions speak louder than words. My husband is not much in the words and big romantic gestures department, but this weekend I felt like my car was making a weird noise and mentioned it to him and he spent half his Sunday tracking down the problem and dealing with it so I wouldn’t have to worry about taking it to the repair shop this week. If your BF’s actions are showing you that he loves you, listen to those. Don’t overthink things. People express love in different ways. Constantly questioning whether or not someone really, really actually loves you, like for real, do they really love you? For real? is a great way to kill an enjoyable, healthy, happy relationship.

      Finally: after nearly 25 years of marriage I will tell you, I am glad I married someone who is a good friend and is conscientious and believes in being a good partner and father, because the fireworks stuff has faded (as I expected it to) and it really comes down to the two of us being good friends and companions, who can work together cooperatively to navigate our lives. Believe me – there are far worse things that can happen in a marriage.

      1. This, all of this.

      2. Agree.

         There will probably come a time in your marriage (for most people, I think this is when they are in the midst of having small children and demanding jobs etc) when you will struggle to find that spark and “be in love”, because the daily life can be challenging and you might not be your best self, either!
         This is when it is a huge advantage to be with someone who generally wants to be a husband and father, and commits to that role even through the bad times, instead of chasing the lovey-dovey feelings all the time.
         (Of course respect and appreciation for the partner are the foundation of making it through.)

      3. So much this!

         I have half a master’s degree in psychotherapy and one of the things I remember most clearly from the program is one of my professors telling me that the strongest predictor of the success or failure of a marriage is the quality of the FRIENDSHIP between the spouses.

         That said, don’t let us push you into marrying somebody when your gut is saying “no.” And I also think it’s a pretty big red flag that you can’t have a Serious Relationship Talk after 2-1/2 years.

      4. Bravo! This reply should be pinned to the top of so many conversations here. My husband and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary later this year. All of the reasons enumerated by Anon 11:06 are why it’s been a great run so far. Looking forward to the next 20.

      5. Well said!

   9. Agree with a prior poster that it’s ridiculous you’re in your thirties, have been dating for 2 1/2 years, and can’t have a basic conversation about this.

   10. Please read Marry Him by Lori Gottlieb.

   11. Trust your gut.

       1. I’m divorced from a bipolar alcoholic and wasted about 7 years dating a lovely funny charming man who didn’t want to be married again and didn’t want to be a step day to two little boys who didn’t really have a dad and the entire time I was sure he would realize that he loved me enough to want those things. We finally broke up and i met someone whose wife had left who all things being equal had liked being married. Everything about the relationship is easier and better than the first. When we first met I would think things like “but he would just be with anyone, it’s not special.” that’s crazy talk. totally crazy. i had years of therapy to realize that. you want to be with someone who wants the things you want. period.

   12. Thank you to everyone who has responded. You have been incredibly helpful and given me a lot to think about.

       You’ve convinced me that a boyfriend/husband who cares about being good at those roles is a very good thing. However, you’ve also made me realize that I’m more in the opposite camp: I am in this relationship because of how I feel about him, not any intrinsic interest in relationships or marriage. This is reflected in the fact that some of you noted that it’s been 2.5 years and we’re not having lots of marriage talks. This is why it felt off to me that he has a good partner mold for himself.

       Some of these feelings might be wrapped up in everything happening to finish my doctorate, and we are, to Senior Attorney’s point, very good friends. I will need to do some more soul searching on my side, but as I mentioned in my first post I lean increasingly strongly to wanting to marry him.

       1. I think it also matters where on the spectrum he/you are on being together for the person vs the role. Before I was married I was in a relationship with someone for whom I think I was very much someone to fill the role. most other things were fine, but it was definitely more “I want X kind of relationship and you’re here” vs I love you and part of the reason I’m prioritizing a relationship with you is that I want to buil X kind of partnership. my husband is very much the steady and thoughtful good partner with whom I have a deep friendship and partnership, but I definitely don’t think I could have had the partnership I wanted with most other potential partners/potentially anyone I’ve met, and he feels the same way. The nuances matter here.

       2. Just to support you and your journey – I was someone who never really strived for marriage, or naturally saw myself in that role. I only had to really think about it once I was in a relationship where I felt really connected to him and therefore, marriage was possible (and we did get married!). Some folks know that’s what they want, and have seen themselves in the “role,” for many years. I never did, so it took time and a lot of thought before I could see it for myself. Your boyfriend may just be the opposite kind of person – someone who has wanted and looked forward to the role.
          Also, to make you feel better, we moved very, very slowly, and didn’t really talk marriage seriously til 3-4 years in. Everyone moves at a different pace, and that’s ok.

9. I’m getting ready to move from Big Law to the government. It should still be a fairly busy job, albeit not Big Law hours, however, I really want to start on a good foot, having reset my relationship with work.

   I found Big Law really stressful and let myself get wound up in the cases and interpersonal drama. Perhaps it was unavoidable, but if possible, I’d like the new job to be a healthier experience. Any suggestions? Reading I should do? Etc?

   1. One thing to add, in Big Law I always felt like I should be working, that I was massively behind. Now, that didn’t mean I WAS always working – I’ve definitely made time for other things in my life – but it imposed a level of anxiety that I’d like to avoid in my new job.

   2. Read Cy Wakeman’s book that has “Reality Based” in the title. She teaches strategies for staying above or away from interpersonal drama.

   3. You will not find answers to things like this in books. My advice is to make friends at work, observe the flow and go with it. Put the biglaw gunner vibes away and help your colleagues more. Realize that there’s no cache in “being soooo busy” outside of your current environment.

      1. +1

         You’ll probably need to find hobbies. When I left all of a sudden there were like 2-3 hours in the day that I never had to fill before. Having things to fill that time that aren’t work will help you resist the temptation.

   4. I’ve made the same transition. This might be overkill for others, but I actually sat down and wrote out a list of rules around free time and working (for example, I set a limit on the number of times that I’m allowed to work outside of a typical schedule each week, or the number of times per month I’m allowed to work very late into the evening without a real emergency). Any legal job has a never-ending line of deadlines, and setting some clear rules helped me practice setting healthier boundaries around work. Agreed with the recommendation to find hobbies and rediscover interests outside of work. The government has no shortage of interpersonal drama (and well, politics), but I’ve found myself to be so much less invested in the drama now that I have time to have a richer life outside of work.

   5. Congrats! Moving from biglaw to a government agency was one of my best decisions, both career-wise and health-wise. Embrace no billable hours—take your time and dive into whatever you’re working on; go to optional trainings; don’t work unnecessarily at night or on vacations or weekends; if you work overtime, put in for credit hours/comp time. Every now and then I get frustrated with the bureaucracy (e.g., how long it takes to get things through the approval chain), but at the same time I rarely have people hassling me to get something done.

      1. Oh and I haven’t experienced much work drama. My coworkers are much friendlier, happier, and more helpful than they were in biglaw. We often talk about non-work stuff. Meanwhile, at the firm, the partners in my very small practice group couldn’t be bothered to learn my spouse’s name.

10. This dress is perfection. I’m relieved that this dusty blue looks bad on me and that is sold out in my size. And throat IIRC the waist on Boss sits too low on me (in effect, a dropped waist; I’m short with a short torso). Le sigh.

11. Regarding Hugo boss, it’s considerably cheaper in Europe. If you are going to europe over the summer I recommend coordinating a visit to one of their stores. I picked up 3 suits at Copenhagen airport for $225 each 3 years ago. The store were very open about the price being open for a discount if buying multiple items. The price in nyc was $550-750 for each suit.

    Max Mara is also considerably cheaper in Europe and the store in Copenhagen airport is great. I find max Mara is a better fit for my 40+ body compared to Hugo Boss. My coat was $2250 in nyc and I paid $1300 at the airport store. Just bear in mind for nyc type winters get the liner.

    1. Oooooh, good to know all around.

    2. I love Max Mara. I shop Marina Rinaldi (starts at a US 8/10) when I’m in Paris. I have some beautiful things. There are a lot of swirly prints which are not my thing, but there are some gorgeous basic solids in between those.

       1. Elena Miro also has some lovely plus size clothing. I visited their store in Rome and bought a few bright tops that I love.

    3. Oh my goodness. I will be visiting the Copenhagen airport in just about a month…

       1. No suits for you! Retirement wardrobe fun only!

          1. Haha, thanks for the reminder!!

12. Recs for good, modern, female finance gurus? I get overwhelmed online and would like to pick 1-2 to follow. My income dropped substantially this year due to my firms 22 performance. I need pretty basic reminders and some help with things like: limit small daily purchases to save for big purchases, etc. I’d prefer a “guide” so to speak and would prefer to support/purchase any resources from a woman. Videos > books.

    1. I like Eryn from @herpersonalfinance on Instagram

    2. When it comes to budgeting, Dave Ramsey method has been the only method that has worked for me. Everything for setting your budget is online through various sites and use the app YNAB for tracking.

       Disclaimer: Everything else with Dave Ramsey makes my teeth itch, especially as a parent. Go to a state school? Not always smartest choice. Work 2 jobs? Not possible with 3 children. Childcare is tucked away in a corner which is ridiculous because it’s my biggest monthly expense after taxes.

    3. Tori Dunlap, the financial feminist, is great!

    4. Not a blog or an individual but WISER, women’s institute for a secure retirement, is an excellent resource for all things woman + finance. More of a long term view. I’m proud to say my professional association, the American Academy of Actuaries, was a founding member of the institute.

       https://wiserwomen.org/

    5. I enjoy the podcast Her Money with Jean Chatzky (sp?). It’s easier for me to listen to a podcast while commuting/walking/making dinner than reading these days.

    6. I like Vivian, @your rich BFF on Instagram

       1. +1 she’s a fun follow on IG. Though recently it seems she’s straight IG influencer and going for volume of posts. But definitely some solid advice in her earlier work and interspersed

13. Just throwing it out there that moving to an apartment with a balcony is hands down the best thing I’ve done for myself recently.

    I’ve always lived somewhere with some sort of outdoor space, it’s always been a deal breaker for me (but sadly it’s either been usually shared or somewhat inconvenient), but a balcony right off my living room is so easy and convenient.

    I will never, ever go back to living without private outdoor space.

    1. I had a great apartment for 5+ years that had a screened-in balcony, I loved it so much. My current place doesn’t have any outdoor space and now that I’m looking to buy a functional yard is 1000% a must.

       1. Oh screened in is even better!

    2. That was my thought too, when I had a balcony (and a fire place!). My balcony unfortunately overlooked a busy street. The sound/odor made it much less satisfying. Maybe also because I learned I am a little afraid of heights!

       It is interesting how our fantasies sometimes aren’t what we expect.

    3. Good for you! The apartment I lived in for the 5 years prior to buying my house had a garden but it wasn’t shared, it belonged to the owners, and it was a sad time in my life. I could look at it but not walk in it, and certainly I couldn’t plant anything, which I was itching to to. I think I bought my house a few years earlier than I otherwise would have just for this factor.

14. Inspired by the balcony post above, what are your favorite plants for a shady balcony (they’ll be planted in small window boxes)? My preference is flowers, but I could do greenery if needed. No fruits / vegetable / herbs (I don’t want to attract pests).

    Balcony is doubly shaded: both by the balconies on top of mine and by the trees in the courtyard it overlooks.

    Try as I might, I have a brown thumb (it’s not totally black, but it’s not green either!) so something easy to keep alive would be key.

    I am in the mid-Atlantic, if that matters.

    1. Some types of phlox are shade-tolerant, and they’ll fill/spill nicely in window boxes.

    2. Order seeds online for sheer ease – the major places, like Burpee and Eden Bros, allow you to sort for shade and container gardening :)

    3. I have a shady porch and have the following on my little porch:
       -impatiens in window boxes
       -another flower that I’m completely blanking on
       -a geranium where it gets the most sun
       -a small olive tree (seems to be doing fine but isn’t growing very quickly)
       -basil
       -catnip
       -cilantro

       I started by googling “container gardening plants for shady areas”, bought a couple inexpensive planters and plants from Home Depot that kept coming up in the articles I read that I liked the look of, and planted them as an experiment. Three years later, I have some solid mainstays and then I try new plants every year too. It’s a fairly inexpensive hobby and is actually very thrilling—the first blooms I get each season bring me a slightly absurd amount of joy.

    4. Similar balcony, it’s south facing but shaded on both sides and with a tree in front. I go to my local garden center and pick out a few things that look nice and don’t say “full sun” and almost all do well. I also grow tomatoes and herbs and do not have pests. I would not start from seed if this is your first time — just get pre-planted window boxes and see how it goes this year.

    5. Well, foliage can be wonderful and dramatic, even if there are no flowers. You can add color with ceramics and pillows, etc. Hostas are wonderful in the shade, and the leaves can be variegated, so that adds color. Coleus foliage is dramatic and colorful. As far as flowers, impatience is your best bet for the shade. Read the labels, are some are for the sun or mixed sun and shade. And ferns! Ferns are so amazing. Hostas and ferns don’t love being in pots, but I have kept them alive, and they do ok and are very hardy.

       1. Ferns are the answer!

       2. Huecheras (coral bells) also like shade, will work in a container, and come in lots of fun/unusual leaf colors. They do flower, but it’s pretty brief and not terribly dramatic.

    6. My garden store recommended begonias and impatiens. I just planted this weekend so we’ll see how it goes!

    7. A potted fuschia always makes my summer – tropical and attracts hummingbirds.

       1. Mine always end up with a bird nesting in the pot, and then I stop watering the plant because the mama has a heart attack every time I try to water. My fuchsia ends up dead but the baby birds do well.

          1. This is what happened to my pansies in hanging baskets. All four (!) of them.

          2. That is so sweet. I love flowers but baby birds > fuschias

    8. I buy six packs or four inch plants and transplant. J don’t know why you think herbs attract bugs – they often repel bugs. You can interplant flowers and herbs. How you arrange them depends on the kind of planter you have but there are plants that flow over the sides like pansies and lobelia, and there are plants that stand upright like inpatients and fuschias. I’d mix both in a pot, and yes, I’d throw in some sage, thyme, and chives.

       I’m naming all shade plants or plants that can survive shade, by the way. I have a lot of shade and am in a cool climate and these always thrive.

       1. +1, my herbs are my only plants that have never had bugs.

    9. Impatiens. They prefer shade and will droop to remind you to water them.

15. I’ve started shopping for a dress to wear to a family event, and while I haven’t found the right one for me, I did find two dresses that I want someone to get, because I think they are gorgeous.

    Love this shape and the print, but it’s all wrong for my coloring, but someone with warm coloring is going to look incredible in this Reiss dress: https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/product/reiss-rosie-animal-print-midi-dress-0400018669278.html?dwvar_0400018669278_color=MULTI

    I gasped at this one-shouldered sunset-shaded stunner, but my event is less formal, and it would be too much. But wow, I hope one of you has a party or wedding to wear it to: https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/product/cami-nyc-anges-silk-ombr%C3%A9-one-shoulder-dress-0400017606019.html?dwvar_0400017606019_color=COSMO%20OMBRE

    1. Oof! Those are great!

    2. Thanks for the recs! I just ordered the first one for my college reunion

16. I’d like to start a window herb garden – any tips? Anyone know of a starter kit they would recommend for this?

    1. If you want to do hydroponic gardening, the aero garden has kits.

    2. My rec is to go to a locally owned nursery and ask for tips. They will know what grows well in your climate.

       I am an amateur gardener so I buy seedlings and focus on not killing them. I tried to grow from seeds with a kit and nothing happened.

17. Traveling from PA in September to Acadia. Thoughts on breaking up the trip with 1-2 night stay in Ogonquit? Other prospect is Mystic, CT. We love beach towns, pier fishing, good restaurants, shopping.

    1. Ogonquit is worlds better than mystic

    2. I’d stay in Saybrook over Mystic if CT is an easier stop for you, it’s a pretty beach town with an easy walking/biking path and the restaurants are good and their are some nice local museums including the Hepburn one. I personally prefer to do the longer leg of the drive first and then have the shorter drive on the day I leave, so I’d vote for whichever option gets your closest to Acadia (and, if possible, takes you inland so you avoid coastal/Boston traffic).

       1. Ok please help. Where is Saybrook?

    3. I prefer Mystic to Ogunquit. (I also prefer Mystic to Old Saybrook suggested by the other poster below). If you’d rather get to Maine first, I’d aim for Kennebunkport or Portland instead.

       1. +1. I would definitely do Kennebunkport.

          1. OK, OP here…what makes Kennebunkport better? All of Maine is new to us….we spend lots of time at the Atlantic beaches from NJ to South Carolina. Would like a place for 1 night stay….

             1. I just like the town in Kennebunkport more than Ogunquit, but honestly either would be fine for a one night stop over. If you do Ogunquit, there is a lovely cliff walk called Marginal Way that I highly recommend.

    4. OMG I love Ogunquit — our family often drives there from the Midwest for a 10-day summer vacation. that would be a GREAT place for beach, restaurants, and shopping (and I’m sure you can also fish; we’ve just never done that as part of our trips). If you go, please eat at Food for Thought and visit their sister brewery (if you like beer), Odd by Nature.

    5. I would seriously consider that traffic aspect of this. Does staying over make it easier or harder to avoid Boston traffic? Does it have you going around Boston at 9 am on a weekday instead of a weekend, or vice versa?

       Will going to the seashore of CT mean that you’re going to be taking 95 all the way up? It’s a stressful drive from PA/NJ all the way up to north of Boston that way. Maybe it is worth it to you, maybe not.

       Not sure where you’re coming from in PA. If possible, consider taking 84 to the Mass Pike to 495, whether you grab 84 north of Scranton or in Hartford. That puts a Maine seashore town right in your path, but means CT sea shore is out of the way.

       1. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this. We will do this as you suggested…’Not sure where you’re coming from in PA. If possible, consider taking 84 to the Mass Pike to 495, whether you grab 84 north of Scranton or in Hartford. That puts a Maine seashore town right in your path, but means CT sea shore is out of the way.” So that puts me at Ogunquit I hope or close to it in 7ish hours on day 1.
          ‘

       2. +million to this. We have family in the NYC tri state area plus PA and have had to drive through just about every combination of bridges and tunnels down from MA. Our two north stars are – avoid the george washington bridge if at all possible (we take the tappan zee if we can) and to avoid 95 in the summer as you’ll hit allll the traffic from people leaving NYC to go north.

    6. For whatever it’s worth, we always break up our trip to Acadia in Marblehead MA. I think it has a lot of what you’re looking for, minus the crowds as it’s less of a tourist destination

18. We have a small back patio that I want to spruce up a bit. We have a patio set, sun shade, and some string lights. I want to add some plants/herbs in containers. We have 2 dogs and a toddler. Any recs? I’d like a nice, light smell and if it helps repel mosquitos/flys/wasps….great. Any other suggestions? I thought about an outdoor rug but I know we won’t commit to pulling it up for bad weather.

    1. Lavender, bee balm and mint would be my suggestions. Plaant the mint in a pot even if putting it in the ground, otherwise it spreads everywhere.

    2. I planted lemon basil this year and love the small. It also makes fabulous pesto. 100% agree with the person saying put mint in pots, never ever ever in the ground.

       1. *smell

    3. Herbs like basil, rosemary, oregano, and thyme are all lovely and useful but require sun.

19. Screaming into the void:

    There is nothing quite like being laid off effective Friday; applying for a job at 11:00 a.m. on Sunday and receiving the rejection saying they “carefully considered” my application at 7:00 a.m. on Monday. I get it. You are using a computer to sort through the likely hundreds of applications you received. But could you not wait at least a business day to tell me you carefully reviewed my application and decided to move forward with other applicants – for a position that is still listed?

    Oh well. At least they responded.

    1. Hug. That sucks.

    2. Yeah, I’ll definitely take an actual rejection over the 99% of jobs that don’t bother, even the ones I’ve interviewed for. It’s so rude.

       1. But sorry about the lay off. Good luck.

    3. I once received an auto reject note on Thanksgiving (1) for a role I had applied for more than a year prior and forgotten about. It was like “Thanks for the reminder this holiday that you didn’t pick me.”

       While it stings, a fast reject actually makes me feel better sometimes. It’s a signal that something pretty core–like salary range or years of experience–wasn’t likely going to be a good fit. Like it’s not anything you could prove or show or talk your way around. It’s not about you not being talented–it can be as simple as you are too expensive or are too junior or senior for what they envision the role to be.

       I once took a job where I was higher in title and pay than what they were initially looking for (largely because I was coming in with experience in a different area that wasn’t relevant but paid better). I always had outstanding reviews and exceeded my goals and took about zero time off, but my boss continually would talk about how expensive I was–even 8 years in–and my raises were always crud. Honestly, they would have done me a kindness by hiring someone more junior and cheaper at the outset instead of putting me in that position. It’s hard to hear when you’re looking but fit really matters as much if not more for you than them. Better to know something is off sooner than later. I look back on those 8 years and realized I should have waited for something that would have been a better fit for my expertise and where I was in my career.

20. After traveling for a week and finally back in my own bed – here is a poll for y’all, out of pure curiosity. Who leaves the hotel blanket tucked into the bed and who rips it out so they can stick out a leg when sleeping?

    1. Rip!

    2. Rip! also I am very annoyed by the whole “sheet and fluffy duvet only” thing. Duvets are too hot, sheets aren’t enough, bring back the lighweight blanket!

       1. Same. I want adjustable temperatures. We sleep with 3 quilts in the winter and peel them on and off as needed.

       2. Yesyesyesyesyes! I hate duvets, they are way too warm. And just a sheet is not enough.

          I try to request feather-free bedding (allergies) and sometimes that helps, because a down-filled duvet is just useless in places that have actual indoor heating. I wonder if requesting an extra blanket would work – the hotel doesn’t need to know that I would use it as primary bedding rather than extra.

    3. I didn’t know anyone left it tucked??? I not only untuck but my husband and I always ask for separate comforters…so that each of us can burrito in peace. We have separate comforters at home as well and it’s done wonders for our relationship.

    4. Rip rip rip

    5. Rip. The worst is that my husband is the opposite. But if one is tucked and the other isn’t, then it pulls the blankets when he turns and leaves me with nothing. I just can’t handle the super tuck–it’s like it hurts my big feet. The only way we don’t get war is two separate blankets. Married 15 years and am embarrassed at how fast this post is getting me all riled up. LOL.

    6. I really hate tucked sheets. As a side sleeper they keep me ‘trapped’ – there is not enough room for both legs and feet stacked. And even on my back, I have to turn my feet out to the sides. Always rip!

    7. LEG OUT!

       1. And in. And out. And in. And out. It’s my temperature modulator.

          1. Well, yes. Of course!

    8. Hotels are the one place I can stick my feet out without danger of them being pounced on by a cat!

    9. I do not rip. I like feeling cocooned in bed.

       1. +100.

       2. I am 5’7” and don’t understand how anyone except very short people can stand the pressure of tucked sheets and blankets weighing down their feet. RIP IT OUT!

       3. I want to feel like a mummy in bed.

    10. Rip, but not for sticking a leg out.

        I want a warm, preferably down duvet in a duvet cover. If I only get a blanket I’m not happy.

        Am currently in a hotel bed with two duvets, untucked. Yay!

21. I’ve been seeing a guy for about a month and he is very sweet and a great guy and we get along well. He told me the other night that he struggled with alcohol and drug addiction in his teens and early 20s (we’re early 30s), went to rehab and has been sober for 8 years. I am really proud of him for turning his life around and he is in a completely different place now than he was then, so the likelihood of him relapsing is extremely minimal. He has done so much work on himself and I truly believe that he does not ever want to be at rock bottom ever again and actively works to be a better person.

    However, part of me keeps thinking “but what if????”. I don’t have any experience in dealing with addiction and I want to be supportive of his sobriety, be a good influence, etc. He’s said that he doesn’t mind me drinking around him, but just for simplicity’s sake I’ve had one glass of wine at most when we’ve been together and usually don’t drink around him.

    Any advice here on where to start learning about this and how to be a good partner? I don’t know if this is a forever relationship, but it seems to have that potential, so I would like to start now.

    1. I’ve been with my partner for almost 5 years, and he’s also sober. We had a few conversations near the beginning about his comfort level being around alcohol (he’s totally fine with it). He’s a chef so will sometimes want to smell or have one tiny sip of a wine or beer that is particularly unusual, but I never ever offer to him. I always agree but I don’t ever do anything that could be considered pressuring him.

       Mine doesn’t mind if I drink casually, but he just doesn’t enjoy being around drunk people because it’s not very fun when you’re sober. Probably about once a year, he’ll come to a big gathering with my friends where we all have just a little too much (think heavy buzz and slight headache the next day, not throwing up in the pool) and he’ll be my designated driver. I never ever ask him to do this and never expect him to be my DD. I also don’t drink to excess when it’s just the two of us, though I don’t hesitate to have a cocktail or wine when we’re together if I’m in the mood for that. It helps from my perspective that I generally don’t enjoy drinking more than 1-2 at a time.

       The biggest thing is that I let my partner take the lead and I trust what he says. It’s not up to me to babysit him or look after his sobriety. He is comfortable with his life as it is, and he is not shy about turning down drinks from people who don’t know or making sure he brings some fun sparkling water if that’s what he wants, etc. I’m not fussing over whether this or that is cooked with alcohol and I trust him to speak up if he’s not enjoying a situation. It’s worked really well for us.

    2. I would continue to not drink too much around him. My wine-loving SIL dated a guy who had been sober for about 4 years. Pills were his issue, not alcohol, but he stayed away from all substances. She always got mad that he didn’t want to go with her to bars and wineries. She drank a ton around him and after about a year, he was drinking heavily and overusing the weed gummies. Maybe he wasn’t super secure in his sobriety but I don’t think her influence was any help and yes, it was sad that she prioritized her own drinking over his health.
       My friend’s husband is a recovered alcoholic and they do not have any alcohol in the house and she does not drink if she goes out with him. That works for them.

    3. I don’t have any advice but I want to validate your desire to learn about this. One of my friends is going through a very messy divorce with a man who did not care to learn about her mental health struggles and bolted as soon as she had a problem. They have a child together – he’s trying to get sole custody – and my friend is terrified he’ll do the same to the child if she ends up having the same mental health conditions. Idk if they’d still be married if he had done his homework, but I think they’d be much more effective coparents.

    4. “But what if…” is true of any relationship at any time. Could he slip? Sure. Could he be sober the rest of his life? Sure. You’ve not been dating very long, so if you like him, continue to date him and assess his overall character.

    5. I have people in my family and in my life who have been through rehab and are at various stages in their sobriety journey. 8 years is a great accomplishment for him; at this point he has faced multiple ups and downs in life, and temptation scenarios and he has been able to stay on track. Whatever he is doing to help himself maintain sobriety, it’s working for him and he has put the time and effort in to make it work.

       There are a lot of people who have substance abuse issues in their early teens and 20s, and then as their brain matures and their neurochemicals stabilize, they find healthy patterns for themselves they are able to stick to. Having a problem at one time doesn’t mean the problem is going to reoccur. If he found coping mechanisms for whatever led him into drugs/alcohol when he was a teenager – whether that was something like anxiety or undiagnosed ADHD, maybe a bad home situation, maybe just genetic propensities toward using substances – and has the awareness of what triggers him to use (which they usually work with people on in rehab and also in 12-step programs), that plus brain maturation means there’s no reason to believe he will fall back into a use/abuse pattern in the future.

       Some things you might want to talk about with him, as things evolve and you feel comfortable: why does he feel he’s been successful in staying sober? What’s been important to him, on his sobriety journey? Are there situations he doesn’t feel comfortable in, or that he wants to avoid? Don’t grill him, especially before the two of you know each other very well. But I will also say, if he is defensive about his past use or his sobriety, or doesn’t want to talk about it, or says there’s no need to talk about it because he’s got it handled – take that into consideration. Most successful recovering addicts I know are successful because they acknowledge their past struggles and they continue to work on their sobriety, every day. They realize they need support around them to stay sober/clean and their partner needs to be part of that; they can’t just pretend the whole thing never happened.

       If this is a good guy and red flags aren’t coming up and you want to hang in there, I think you should.

    6. I am from a family of alcoholics so that would be a no from me. But that doesn’t mean a sober person should forever be single. Just like your boyfriend does, take it one day at a time. You’re new. Just enjoy.

    7. I’m the sober one in my relationship. It’s so individual to the sober person, so I suggest continuing to talk to him about it in a genuinely curious and non-judgmental way. I appreciate that my partner doesn’t drink around me, but I am a sober person who is okay being around alcohol. It does not trigger me. Like someone else said above, I don’t love being around drunk people but that’s because drunk people are kind of awful to be around (I was one and I was awful). For me it’s NBD bc I am an early bird and always have been so I spend time at the event and excuse myself before it gets to that point.

    8. The fact that he’s open with you about his past struggles and addiction history after on month of dating is a good sign, IMO.

    9. He is telling you he has done an extremely difficult thing in his life! I agree that this is a positive thing that he wants to share this with you. I’m guessing he also wants to let you off the bus here if you’re going to be bothered by this history.

22. I’m here to say that at the school fun fair this weekend at least 30% of the moms were wearing one of those anthro Sommerset dresses or a knock off and I felt so cool that I knew what it was. Thank, dear commenters.

    1. I knew who Princess Anne was this weekend and felt similarly.

       1. Hah, same.

23. Random thank you to everyone who mentioned posh mark in their comments. I bought 5 Ann Taylor suits in excellent condition for less than $150! I was mentally prepared to spend a ton of money on suits to prepare for a jury trial and I spent basically nothing.

    1. That’s great. Really, business formal clothes are basically “free to a good home” on Poshmark right now. If anyone needs something in this category, it is such a great option.

    2. But do they fit?!? Or do you have to spend $100 each on alterations?

       I am pear shaped and have trouble finding suits. I can’t imagine buy second hand when you have no idea the age of the suit and whether their size 6-8-10 is actually Ann Taylor’s current size 6-8-10 and if the original wearer had them altered at all. Is it that you know you are a perfect sized 8, and the seller says they are selling new with tags size 8 Ann Taylor suits from last year?

       1. They fit! But I already know that Ann Taylor fits me off the rack and my figure is straight up-and-down so pretty flexible. I am not willing to get other suits like this because of the fit issue.

       2. I think it’s simpler than this.

       3. You can ask Poshmark sellers for measurements on garments and most are very happy to oblige. Some Poshmark sellers also take returns if something doesn’t fit (same with eBay – I just returned a jacket I bought that didn’t fit right and the seller took it back and refunded me, no problem).

          I think you’re overthinking this whole “buying secondhand” thing, frankly. It’s not for everyone but I buy almost everything I wear secondhand and it works great for me. When I’m dealing with an individual seller, I can ask questions – including asking for pictures of tags so I can research item/inventory numbers – and because the sellers want to sell their stuff, they’re usually very helpful and responsive.

          1. Ah… thanks everyone.

             I buy second hand, but at local shops where I can try on in person.

             But I don’t know my exact measurements, and need to figure this out, and start comparing this way. Thanks again for this good advice.

       4. You ask the seller for measurements.

          1. What are the key measurements you ask for, and where/how do you measure them on yourself and compare? And I assume you add an inch or two here/there for bloating/food babies etc..? Or no…. ?

             1. Usually its measurements taken flat, across bust, waist, hip, (double them to find circumference) and length. You can compare your body measurements to these, or measure other garments that fit you well and have similar fabric structure (stretch vs no stretch, etc.).

             2. Compare it to other clothing. I swear, it’s really not that difficult.

       5. I always ask if they’ve been hemmed or altered. I buy a lot of used clothing and I am tall. I want the original hem!

       6. Not OP but Ann Taylor generally fits me off the rack very well. I buy second hand and for extra insurance I only by things that include measurements so I know that it fits as expected. This method has worked pretty well for me.

       7. Different take: I factor that into the price I pay. I assume that about 10% of the stuff I buy on Posh won’t work for me (fit is off, somehow weirdly unflattering, etc.), and just offer a bit less per item. If something doesn’t work for me, I give it away and know that I’m still coming out so far ahead it doesn’t matter.

          Avoiding all risk is expensive. I find it easier to just estimate the risk, factor it in, and pay less overall.

          1. I appreciate this perspective.

          2. I do the same. I am zero percent interested in reselling, so the local thrift shop gets my $10-$20 fails, including the green blouse that I thought said “silk” but instead said “silky” – 100% polyester. No thanks!

24. Mother’s Day gift question with a twist: my husband needs to help my stepkids by a gift for their mom. Given their ages (11 and 13), it’s going to be apparent that he largely chose the present, but given that they are divorced (and not amicably so), things that go on the body (like robes, slippers, beauty gift sets, jewelry, etc) feel like the wrong choice. Sort of too intimate/personal, maybe? Last year they gave her a Barefoot Dreams throw blanket.

    I don’t know a ton about her hobbies and preferences (and nor does he at this point), but based on what the kids have said, she likes yoga/tennis/pilates. She travels every weekend that the kids are with us, so maybe some kind of impersonal but thoughtful travel-related accessory? Budget is $200.

    1. Can you punt and do a nice flower arrangement and a candle and then encourage the kids to write a thoughtful note? Or a gift card to her local tennis store/yoga studio/pilates place/massage place?

    2. perhaps a Lululemon overnight bag with a gift receipt in one of the pockets?

    3. If you have time and are near one, I would take the kids to Nordstrom. Let them brainstorm and, when applicable, guide them to a good choice.

       Is she a loyal alumna of her college? I have found that college bookstores’ online shops are great for buying presents.

       When in doubt, ask the kids. By that age, I was buying presents for people in my life (my parents divorced when I was a baby, so I never really had the other parent to help out with present shopping).

    4. I get that divorce dynamics are complicated, but isn’t the point of a Mother’s Day gift that it genuinely come from the kids? I’m 40 and I’ve never gotten my mom anything besides a card, something homemade (when I was very little and are still the most treasured gifts), a meal, or something I’ve done with her. Can’t the kids come up with a plan or get her something actually from them? I certainly wouldn’t want a gift from my ex or his new wife!

       1. Also, with the kids being 11 and 13 I’d say they’re definitely old enough to pick something out (though I’d expect Dad to contribute the money for the gift).

          1. + 1,000 Good grief I think 11 and 13 is plenty old enough to do this chore. Have your husband give them the money and let them have at it.

             1. Seriously. It is NOT OP’s job to manage this. I second your good grief!

       2. Agreed. I think your husband should take the kids to a nice store and let them each pick a thing for their mom. Then the kids can talk to her directly about why they picked out the thing.

       3. So I very much grew up the way that you are describing and those are my own expectations around Mother’s Day, but in her social circle in our city, it’s very much a thing that mom gets a fancy gift on Mother’s Day “from the kids.” My husband tried to encourage the kids to come up with their own idea last year, make cards, etc. but it just didn’t happen – they just kept repeating that they didn’t know what she would like until we were at the very last minute and he broke down and presented three options for them to choose from so that she would have something.

          Without going into too much detail, I’ll just say that our older kids are very significantly less independent and have less-developed independent-living skills than their similarly aged peers. We recently sought and won primary custody of them in large part based on that. So while I completely agree that they ought to be able to do this, they will not do it a this point without a lot of hand-holding, including identifying options for them to choose from. I am hopeful that by next year we’ll be in a different place.

          1. No recommendations for Mother’s Day, but it sounds like you’re going to do a world of good for these kids. Best of luck.

    5. If I were divorced, I would not be buying Father’s Day gifts for my ex-spouse.

       1. I’m a stepmom and don’t like my husband’s ex, but I always reminded myself that it was about creating memories for my stepson and that it is an important relationship for HIM. My stepson is now grown, and I don’t regret the Mother’s Day gifts we picked out together. Husband did the same for her birthdays and he dislikes her even more than me. But stepson grew up not having to feel awkward about expressing love and respect for his parents whether through gifts or other means and that was more important. I think that was important to try to create and maintain that safe environment.

          1. I love the kindness and compassion in this – exactly what kids need.

          2. This is really nice. My parents had a nasty divorce when I was very young and fought a proxy war through me my entire childhood. I love it when I see others not falling into this trap.

    6. With a pre-teen and a teenager, why would it be apparent that the Dad chose the gift? Kids that age are plenty old enough to choose gifts for their parents! Heck, I’d drop them off at the mall with a budget and have them pick out the gift entirely independently at those ages!

    7. can you just switch the kids to a sweet card rather than a gift? Tbh no one I know has the kids “buy” mom an expensive thing, they just do cards, mom picks what she wants to do that day (alone time? special family outing? either is acceptable) and then a gift comes from the spouse…

       1. In my circle, kids will get mom a gift in the $20-$50 range (younger kids funded by dad, older kids with their own money) and there’s either a family outing or, if there are grandmothers in the picture, something with the extended family.

          I know I see comments here about alone time or the spa or something for mom’s for Mother’s Day but IME it’s a family holiday, not a mom does her own thing day.

       2. +1

          It seems totally wrong for an 11 year old child, who has no money of their own, to buy a Luluwhatever bag for their mother (with money from their separated parent?) for mother’s day. That’s what the current husband does.

          Home made card, or store bought where the kids write a sweet message inside. And/or a home made something. Like the kids make breakfast/dinner…. make her candle…. make her a picture frame…. go pick her wildflowers somewhere…. And even better, they treat her like a queen all day! All of my Mom’s favorite things…spend time with her. Kids clean their own rooms! Make coffee for mom and let her put her feet up while they vacuum or mow the lawn. Make her brownies!

          1. while i personally agree with this, this is not what the OP asked. So OP – some suggestions, and it might be too late for this, but if she is into monogrammed stuff – fancy/personalized packing cubes, a Stanley cup + lululemon beltbag if she doesn’t already have those items, this is something that goes on the body, but not in like an intimate way, the Athleta Pranayama wrap, Diptyque candles

             1. Fair enough.

                I just think it is sad what this teaches the kids….

       3. I commented above, because I wish that we could but that the expectation in her social circle is an expensive present “from the kids.” Whatever the present was is then the topic of much social media posting, discussion at lunch at the club, etc. Not getting that will mark her out as divorced (because there is no husband in the picture to make it happen) and she is extremely sensitive about that even though it’s been a very long time at this point and everyone knows. And the kids will not do it on their own (notwithstanding that I very much agree that they’re at an age where they should be able to do that).

          1. The expectations of her social circle ceased being your husband’s problem when they divorced. That is one of the many ramifications of divorce.

             1. +1

             2. Adding to that: everyone understands that the social media posting and country club bragging are really about having a husband who will do these things. It is weird for your husband to be performing the “husband” role for his ex-wife. Whatever social signal you think is being sent is not necessarily the one other people see.

                The other benefit of stopping this now is it will help your step kids. My mother and my former stepmother are biiiiiig into performative gift giving for bragging on SM or to their rich friends, and it was hurtful and exhausting to get them presents that were never good enough. I became a lot happier when I learned to tune out the performative bs and let them fall flat on their faces if I wasn’t up to snuff.

    8. You’re overthinking this.
       All dad needs to do is take the kids to a store and have *them* pick something *they* want to give their mother. At those ages the only parental input from dad they need is his wallet.

       1. This is the answer.

    9. I would either get her flowers + a gift card or else have your husband take the kids to some generic store, and let each of them pick something out for her on their own.

    10. I hope she / the kids reciprocate for your husband on Fathers Day with a $200 gift! And, I hope you get something nice from the girls too since you and your husband have primary custody.

        1. Do not make the kids give their stepmother something for Mother’s Day. If they want to, fine.

25. I cannot seem to get over the inertia I have and clean my apartment! Suspected ADHD and I have generally been busy / overwhelmed / not home much lately so the apartment is messier than usual and I cannot get my act together to get it clean! Any assistance is GREATLY appreciated!

    Usually my solution is just to keep it clean so there’s never a big clean up that needs to happen, but that went out the window a month ago.

    1. Just pick one area for now. You will have a clean kitchen this week. Blast some music and attack. You may keep going once you hit a groove, but if you don’t at least your kitchen is clean. Add another area each week.

    2. When it gets to the point of no return, I ask one of my closest friends to come over and sit with me while I clean. They all know this is a regular issue with me, and although it feels like I’m a toddler having to ask them to do this, it really really works. I set them up with a comfy chair, a glass of wine and we just talk for a couple of hours – which is honestly what we want to do anyway when we get together. I have ADHD and depression, and I just *cant*. It’s frustrating to have to ask, but no one I have asked to help me in this way has ever shamed me for it.

       1. This is genius.

       2. Yeah, the body-doubling effect is so real. Sometimes having somebody on a video call or phone on speaker also works, if no one local is available, though this can be less effective for me.

       3. In an online friend group, I have friends who will do “sprints” with me, where we each make a plan for what we will try to do and agree to check back in maybe 30 minutes to report what we did. Knowing someone else is also working on their home/writing/homework/project can sometimes help.

    3. I work with a timer. Set it to 10-20-30 min. Tackle one area. Chances are that once you start you get into the mood and get more done, but for me, just 10 min cleaning the toilet and sink in the guest bathroom can make a whole difference.

    4. I really liked the book “how to keep house while drowning”. It was all about how to prioritize cleaning to get the most bang for your buck and how having a messy house doesn’t make you a bad person.

       1. Me too. It’s such a kind, generous approach.

    5. check out KC davis on tik tok. She has some really good resources for how to approach cleaning when you feel overwhemed.

       1. This is the woman who wrote ‘How To Keep House While Drowning’.

          My tried and true method? Put on a Hoarders marathon.

    6. Start with one area! For me that’s the bathroom. I feel less stressed and more like I have my life together if my bathroom is clean.

    7. I play long ballad songs like Hotel California and see how much I can get done before they end.

       I also repeat in my head “this is finite this is finite this is finite,” which is also what I do to get through the end of a hard hike. It works for me; YMMV.

    8. Someone please call me (not text me, not DM me, actually make the phone ring) and talk to me all about your life so I can clean my office while I listen to your stories. That’s what it takes for me!

26. People with anxiety: do any of you use benzos for acute anxiety? A friend is managing anxiety with buspirone but has semi-regular acute anxiety attacks, and is considering benzos for those acute moments. She is in touch with her doctor and has good self-care habits (exercise, sleep, meditation) but is also looking for personal experiences and stories with this category of drug. Thanks.

    1. I have done so in the past with some success. They weren’t a silver bullet, but they were helpful. A couple things to keep in mind – they might make her drowsy/spacey, and they can be habit-forming. I didn’t have an issue with either, but her doc will likely start her with a very small prescription until they figure out how she responds.

    2. I wouldn’t. They’re highly addictive and shouldn’t be used chronically in any capacity. I was prescribed Klonopin for a similar use and it wound up exacerbating all of my symptoms after it wore off. When I stopped taking it altogether, my teeth chattered and I was a nervous wreck for 6 months.

       I’d read a lot more about benzos and the downsides. My grandparents both took V a l i u m for years and it had many many devastating consequences.

    3. Everyone’s body is different. Klonopin happened to be extremely effective for me in tiny doses. Never had a side effect (other than some sleepiness which I welcomed). Had no issues when I stopped taking it regularly. I had a bottle of 30 pills prescribed a year ago; there are a handful left and it improves my life just knowing they’re there to interrupt a spiral if it comes.

    4. As others have suggested, Bezos can be very effective, but can have significant side effects and are highly addictive. But for true full blown, rare, panic attacks, they can keep you out of an emergency room. But “semi-regular acute anxiety attacks…..” – I’m not sure what that means, since this sounds frequent to me….. Frequent use = easy to become dependent.

       So since your friend is on Buspirone, she probably has a psychiatrist managing her meds? This is a discussion for the psychiatrist, who hopefully knows your friends well. Frequent attacks mean that Buspirone may not be the right medicine for her, or that she needs a different dose.

       This is NOT something that a primary care doctor should be prescribing and managing. Those are often the people who get themselves into trouble with benzos – when a non-expert doctor prescribes them. And it sounds like she needs a therapist helping with complementary strategies for dealing with these “anxiety attacks”

    5. I’ve had a lot of luck with Ativan for anxiety. I started taking it as-needed when I started having random panic attacks a couple of years back, and will take it on occasion still if I’m really struggling. I think it’s a know-yourself thing – if your friend can plan to just use it when instantly needed and not use it for general maintenance, that can help to avoid it becoming a habit. And I didn’t like the side effects with higher dose, so I just take half a pill at a time (half of a 0.5 mg pill) with my doctor’s blessing, which is the right fit for me.

Comments are closed.