Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Damola Long-Sleeve Sheath Dress

340 Comments

1. Good morning. Started my new job & everyone is wearing jeans everyday. I am an apple shape – if my jeans fit in the waist they are hanging loose around my hips. (This may also be called menopause shape). I would love recommendations for jeans that have worked well for others. Thanks in advance!

   1. Try Not Your Daughter’s Jeans and Kut from the Kloth. I think both are available at Nordstrom/Nordstrom Rack. Getting jeans with a cotton/spandex blend is going to help a lot, vs. jeans that are 100% cotton. The all-cotton ones are the shape they are and you either fit them well or you don’t. They also tend to stretch out and not rebound, and so by the end of the day they don’t fit the way they did when you put them on. Jeans with a little more stretch (not a lot – a little) will conform to your figure better and not stretch out in the waist or seat as much.

      1. I am a pear and absolutely loathed NYDJ’s fit, so they may be apple-appropriate. They are magical for some people based on the 5-star nordstrom reviews.

      2. NYDJ has some jeans at Costco right now if you’re a member and want to get them for less.

   2. Apple shaped jeans are so hard. The best I have is Old Navy Rockstar Jeggings. They look like regular jeans on. Of course, if you like to tuck in shirts these won’t work for you, but I don’t know a lot of apples who like tucking in.

      1. I’m an apple’s apple and +1 for Rockstar Jeggings.

   3. Talbots has a new pull-on pant that is more comfortable than jeans on my apple body.

   4. A tailor is going to be your best friend. Try some of the recommended brands, and then go to a tailor. Congrats on your new job!

      1. Yes, congratulations on your new job. It is not mandated that you wear jean’s especially if you’re an apple shape. I am becoming more of a pear shape, with more weight in my tuchus then I would like, and believe it or not, a slight reduction in the size of my boobies. I wish I could transfer some of the weight up from the tuchus to the boobies, but will NOT do any thing surgical. I figure that if I had to have plastic surgery, men would NOT want me for me, but for my body, not my mind. So it is take it or leave it for those men. I have a good job, make decent money so that should be good enough. I should NOT have to look like Scarlett Johanson to get a guy; after all, the guys are NOT Brad Pit, either. FOOEY on men that think they are something hot when all they are is a means to an end; in my case, all I really need is for them to impregnate me. Beyond that, it is all icing on the cake, Grandma Leyeh says, and she is right. She said that if I could do in vitro, I would not even need a guy’s semen, but at my age, I need the semen naturally, not frozen. FOOEY on me for waiting all of these years!

   5. Levi’s 311s.

   6. Thank you everyone. I ordered some NYDJ yesterday, so I will find out soon if those work.

   7. Gap “straight”-cut jeans work for this apple.

2. Etiquette advice please – older son is divorced and bringing his new girlfriend to Christmas dinner- we exchange gifts afterwards- husband and I have never met new girlfriend…do we buy a gift for her? What is proper? We don’t know her at all. They are living together so from sons view, they are in a serious relationship. Please advise.

   1. Have you asked your son what she might like? I think that’s the obvious place to start. Otherwise, nice candle? Bottle of wine? Scarf? If there’s a gift exchange, I do agree that it would be thoughtful to include her.

   2. Yes, you get her a gift – think about how awkward it will be for her to be sitting there after dinner watching everyone open gifts and there’s nothing for her – but your son needs to provide the heavy lifting on what to get her. If they’re living together he knows her well enough to give you some gift suggestions that would be welcome.

      You may not know her (yet) but a live-in relationship escalates to a level of seriousness that warrants her being treated like, if not a member of the family, someone who means a lot to your son and is deserving of respect and a warm welcome to your home. I am not sure if I’m picking up on some background stuff related to his divorce but in this case, your feelings about your ex-DIL and your son’s divorce are irrelevant. This is one of those situations that will set the tone for your future interactions with your son’s new partner and if you are cold, standoffish, dismissive or otherwise unhospitable, and this woman ends up marrying your son (or cohabiting with him for a long time), you’re setting yourself up for a lot of awkwardness and exhausting drama for years to come. Let the better angels of your nature do the talking.

      1. I see this: your son is still married to his wife (getting divorced) and yet is living with someone else. Normally, you’d be getting the wife a present (perhaps you really know her well and like her and she is a part of many of your memories). Here some a stranger — it IS awkward! I agree that the lifting here is for your son to do (“Martha used to like jasmine candles; Bambi loathes them and prefers glitter body spray”).

         And just drop any urge to be anything but like a waiter towards her — be kind, solicitous, and be playing a role. Work for that tip! The time for your real feelings is after they’ve gone, perhaps on an anonymous blog. Some fights you lose automatically by engaging in.

         1. No she doesn’t say getting divorced, she says is divorced.

         2. Idk where you’re getting that son is still married, the post says he’s divorced not “getting” divorced. In any event, I agree that you act kind and solicitous because that’s what you do when you host someone.

         3. It doesn’t say that, does it? “older son is divorced.”

         4. The OP says “is divorced” not “getting divorced”.

         5. The OP says her son is divorced, not getting divorced. There’s no reason to think he is still married to his ex-wife

      2. Great comment

      3. Cannot agree more. If you want more Christmas dinners with your son, give his live-in girlfriend a pretty candle and a nice box of Christmas cookies.

         I would explain more, being the wife whose husband’s friends got all self-important and snotty with her, but I start breathing fire and then my keyboard melts.

   3. 100% get her a gift. You could do some nice chocolates, a bottle of champagne, etc. Something would be a lovely gesture.

   4. Yes definitely give her a gift. Something nice but generic since you don’t know her. A cashmere scarf or a Jo Malone candle or fancy chocolate.

   5. You absolutely get her a gift. She is living with him. They are in a relationship. You include her as part of the family. Just from your tone it seems like you don’t approve, but you need to get over it. Ask your son what she would like. A generous gift card plus a bottle of champagne or something she likes to drink would be a good easy gift.

   6. Yes get her something small. Ask your son what she might like. Some of my favorite gifts from past SO’s moms have included one box of one of those makeup/skincare subscription services (you can buy individual boxes without a subscription), mani/pedi gc, a nice box of chocolates. I also really appreciate when SO’s parents include a joint gift for both of us – a museum membership in both our names, gcs to restaurants they know we both like, pretty Christmas tree ornaments.

      And this is kind of an aside, but the best gift you can give them/her is to be respectful of their relationship and recognize that she’s a big part of his life. Maybe I’m reading too much into it but this – “from sons view, they are in a serious relationship” – comes across as unwelcoming. It’s the holidays, kindness is always a good choice.

   7. For sure. Generic gift — scarf, gloves, candle, etc. — with a gift receipt if possible.

      1. +1 It would be a welcoming gesture to get the girlfriend a gift to open while the rest of you are opening gifts together. I think any gift that doesn’t require you to know her body size would work – a recipe book, a scented candle, a scarf, a travel mug. I think the gift receipt is mandatory though.

   8. Absolutely get her a gift. Personal story: My brother regularly breaks up with girlfriends between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and sometimes there will be no gf by Christmas, and other times there will be an entirely new gf at Christmas (who none of us have ever met). What I’ve started doing for the last several years is buying something generic, but nice (and with a coupon code), and I make it something that I would keep for myself if no gf shows up. Kendra Scott earrings, gorjana chain, book with candle, etc. It works well and feels thoughtful and not last minute to the recipient.

      1. OP here…you 100% get it….this is serial….she is the latest girlfriend and the plans ALWAYS change….that has happened more than once before. Great advice – something generic that I would keep for myself in case something changes. Love your suggestions….thanks and Happy Holidays to you!

         1. We all *got it*. You accused us of stirring up drama but we all (correctly, it seems) picked up on the vibe of contempt from your post. In any case, don’t take it out in the girlfriend. Buy her a gift! sounds like the issue is with your son.

         2. They live together, so it can’t be that transitory of a relationship. I mean, booking a uhaul and packing stuff up takes at least a few weeks. :P Gently, it seems like you really have it in for this woman and she (and your son!!) will definitely pick up on that.

            I went to my BF’s family for Christmas the first time in much more awkward of a situation (trust me), and the fact that they were so warm and welcoming to me really set the tone for our relationship. It also helped reconcile my boyfriend to his family after many years of distance. Although only partially related, they didn’t seem to much like his last girlfriend of 8+ years….

            1. I’m the Anon at 10:50, and I agree that she should be warm to the gf, but in my brother’s case, he has absolutely lived with every single one of these women that he has brought to Christmas/Thanksgiving and then broken up with shortly thereafter. Living together just isn’t a big deal to everyone.

            2. Yes, definitely! I met my husband’s sister and BIL on our second date / Christmas Eve. I suddenly couldn’t fly home for Christmas and my husband invited me along. I felt super awkward, but they were lovely and warm to me and even if it hadn’t worked out, I would have remembered it fondly.

      2. I can’t imagine going to a family Christmas with a guy I’ve been dating less than a month. I’m shocked that your brother has found multiple women that he’s been dating for a few weeks that are willing to come to family Christmas gift exchanges.

         1. Yea, it’s weird. But, at this point, in the larger scheme of our family, it doesn’t even register on the weird-ar anymore.

         2. I would rather go to someone else’s Christmas than my own family’s pretty much any day of the week, including someone who I had been dating for a short time. Not everyone’s family is enjoyable.

      3. I have gotten gifts for non-romantic friends of my brothers that they bring to a family gathering I’m hosting where gifts are traditionally exchanged. It’s not that hard to have an extra gift on hand that can work for this, if someone unexpectedly gives me something and I want to reciprocate, etc. You have baggage but the question is not hard.

   9. I’m buying a gift for my brother’s girlfriend I don’t know very well, so yes, same deal. I’ve got her a L’Occitane skincare set and some fluffy cosy socks. Generic but generous.

   10. My late mother in law always bought me the same lovely gifts she bought her own daughter, right from the first time I met her, and for that reason among others (she loved my baby to distraction and she minded her own business), I would have lain down my life for her.

       Honestly it costs you very little to be magnanimous here and the benefits to your relationship to your son and (possibly) future daughter in law are huge.

   11. Whatever you do, please don’t let your attitude here show to your son or at the very least, his girlfriend.

3. Skin care regimen recommendations?

   Me: 55, overweight, non smoker. I have a dry-ish t-zone, large pores on my cheeks and nose, lots of sebaceous filaments (aka little blackheads), few wrinkles, some small broken capillaries in my chin area, and under eye bags. Sensitive-ish skin – I can turn red from pressure or toner but it fades quickly. I rarely get pimples. Prefer unscented, citrus, or “clean/soap” fragrance.

   TIA!

   1. I would consult a derm if you want a whole regimen. That’s a big ask and a professional will help you figure out where to start. At minimum, you need a cleanser, maybe a toner, serums (acids, retinol, etc), moisturizer and sunscreen.

   2. Depends a lot on your skin, but I’ve stopped looking for hope in a jar. Personally, my skin does best the less I do to it – so I just wash and use a moisturizer and an eye cream. Serums and toners just irritate my skin and don’t do a thing. For wrinkles, Botox, it sounds like you don’t have that issue.

   3. Paula’s choice has great customer service, and will put together a regime for you. I use Cetaphil or Cerave drugstore cleanser, an AHA or BHA toner from PC, and then Clarins double serum, and then Oil of Olay day and night moisturizer. The toners exfoliate and freshen the skin, the serum hydrates and soothes, and the moisturizers keep the skin soft and help seal in the hydration. I had big pores, but this regime has helped reduce them. A laser can help with redness and broken capillaries. Exercise, water, and good nutrition do make a difference–I look much better when I am on my “health” game. Good luck!

   4. I’d do a retinoid for anti aging and clearing out the pores. Send pics in natural light to curology and try what they recommend. They will send you a bottle of Rx treatment once every month or every other month for a very reasonable amount. If you want to make it really easy opt for the kit with cleanser and moisturizer too.

      Then all you need is a facial sunscreen for daytime. I like Elta MD Clear, which you can get on amazon.

   5. What are your goals? Do you want to have fewer wrinkles, less redness, more even tone, etc.? Do you have dark spots you want to fix? Are you generally happy and just want maintenance or do you have problems you want to work on? It wasn’t clear to me from your posts what you want to change and what you’re okay with or what you want skincare to do for you.

      I don’t think you can go wrong with a Cerave cleanser that matches your skin profile (I think they have one for sensitive skin) and a Curology subscription to start if your needs are pretty general. You may need a light moisturizer to buffer the Curology (I didn’t like the one Curology sent me so I use a Neutrogena non-SPF non-retinol moisturizer) and you will need a good SPF30 or higher moisturizer for daytime (I use Neutrogena for that as well). Agree with the above suggestion to visit a derm or get otherwise professional advisement on this. There are folks on here who know a lot about skincare, but we aren’t dermatologists or professional skincare consultants. And since we can’t see your skin in real life, making recommendations off of descriptions is difficult.

   6. See a dermatologist. There is nothing OTC you can get that will be effective.

   7. Thanks for the ideas. Dermatologist is probably the right way and a good use of FSA carry over.

      I’ve read so much about individual routines I thought there might be someone “like” me who had already figured this out!

      1. I have the same skin as you and am a decade behind. But I have not figured it out! For now I just moisturize, sunscreen and occasionally use Paula’s Choice BHA (I arrived at this by doing the questions on their website that help you decide between AHA and BHA) to exfoliate.

   8. I have similar skin to you. I have ivory skin prone to redness and broken capillaries, dry and sometimes irritable, and undereye bags from allergies. I also have a small budget, so this is not luxury, but it works for me. I use Cocokind organic facial cleansing oil with warm water and a microfiber cloth every night, then a basic evening moisturizer (Neutrogena anti aging). In the morning, I rinse with just water and a microfiber cloth, then apply BB cream with sunscreen and a color corrector to even out the tone (currently, I like COOLA Mineral Suncare, Unscented Matte Tint Face Sunscreen, SPF 30, 1.7 fl. Ounce, Mineral BB Cream, Natural Beige Tint). If my eye bags are bad that day, like during allergy season, I also use an undereye corrector from Sephora (various, not sure I have one I love).

      Since switching to facial oil, my skin is much calmer feeling and less irritated.

4. Gift etiquette please – older son is divorced and bringing new girlfriend (they live together) to Christmas dinner with his 2 kids. This will be our first time meeting new girlfriend. We exchange gifts afterwards- do we buy a gift for her? Something neutral since we don’t know her? What do you do in this scenario?

   1. I would. I’m sure your son can fill you in on what she might like. Alternatively, something along the lines of a generic gift ( high end candle/ lovely scarf).

      I’m curious as to why you apparently disagree with your son as the the seriousness of this relationship. Is there more going on here?

      1. OP, thanks…I agree on the etiquette you described and we have done this when other guests have joined our holiday celebration. No disagreement on the seriousness of the relationship. My post did not say that….love it when this hive tries to create drama! I am interested in hearing what others do in this scenario.

         1. Your post seemed off to me too. If they live together it’s weird to describe it as “from son’s view, it is a serious relationship.”

         2. Isn’t it at least a little telling that several commenters have picked up on a vibe from your word choice and description of the situation? Just something for you to consider.

         3. Your post above says, “from sons view, they are in a serious relationship” which implies that you have a different view.

            Yes, you buy anyone joining you for a Christmas day a gift. Yes, you keep it neutral since you don’t know her taste.

         4. You’re the one trying to create drama. You posted ” so from sons view, they are in a serious relationship.” above. By stating that it’s the son’s view that it is a serious relationship, there is a pretty clear implication that you do not hold that view.

         5. Just as an FYI, I think people are responding to the “we don’t know her at all” in combination with “from sons view, they are in a serious relationship,” when you note that they’re living together. By any standards, that means it’s a serious relationship. I decided not to respond to that specific piece of your post but read it the way that others did. Sounds like that’s not the case, which is good news for your family.

            1. I had the same reaction that Emeralds did, OP, so you may want to be extra careful in the way you communicate regarding their relationship IRL!
               ANYWAY, yes, you should of course buy her a gift!

            2. If everyone else gets a tailored-just-for-them gift and son’s new GF gets a gift card to Target, then that is where it matters that you don’t know her at all. Son should know the tone for his family and help you out — maybe the new GF really likes LL Bean and a gift card for there would at least be a little more personal than another generic gift.

         6. I mean, you referred to her as “new girlfriend” twice and put the caveat that they’re in a serious relationship “in son’s view.” That indicates that there is a differing view. No one is trying to create drama, but your wording came across a bit chilly.

         7. No one was trying to create drama, except maybe you, by posting this. Not a great look for you, IMO.

            1. This hive is full of drama queens….time to move on!

         8. Op- you explain above that there is, in fact, more to the story. I’m done with this place. It’s been real everybody.

   2. Yes as above of course. Buy her something nice but generic. Stop being weirdly judgy.

   3. My now-husband and I spent two christmases together before getting married (this will be our first christmas as a married couple)

      My now-inlaws got me a godiva gift basket the first year and a victorias secret body product basket last year. Those are two generic gift ideas.

      1. I could see VS gift items not going over well — that company has had some drama and the items may skew a little young. Bath and Bodyworks is in the same corporate family but skews IMO a bit more generic or at least less drama.

         1. I would just think that getting someone something from a lingerie store, even if it’s a generic beauty product, can bit a bit awkward.

            I would do:
            Nice candle
            Fuzzy socks
            Chocolates, fancy coffee, other treats
            Something special/famous from your area if she is not local
            Body Shop or somesuch for beauty items
            Cheese board
            Christmas ornament

            1. You are a class act – lovely suggestions and advice

         2. my husband’s family struggles financially and I have known them a long time (over a decade, grew up in the same town) so I’m sure his mom probably had a coupon for VS. was just giving an example of gifts I’d received in a similar situation that were fine.

            1. Op here….thank you for the kind advice and Happy Holidays!

   4. My brother is bringing his girlfriend of a few months to Christmas, they don’t live together, and of course I got her a gift! I just gave him suggestions of things I thought someone in her demographic might like, and he gave his opinion and let me know what stores she likes to shop in.

      I got her a simple pair of earrings and a bath/body set from her favorite skincare store. My parents got her a nice set of pajamas. They are also taking her/brother out to a play and nice dinner to get to know her better while she is visiting. Very easy!

5. I’m drooling over this dress. If I had an extra $545 lying around it would be mine.

   1. +1

   2. It’s absolutely gorgeous.

   3. It’s pretty close to perfect.

   4. Yep.

6. Any recommendations on how to tackle a job search while 5 months pregnant? I’m applying for attorney positions while applying from out of state, so most communications are via telephone or Skype — so they can’t see that I’m pregnant. My approach so far has been to be transparent and state that I am pregnant during interviews. But, I feel like this transparency has hurt me with a recent opportunity where they seemed very enthusiastic until I stated that part. Should I wait until I have an offer in hand before revealing pregnancy?

   Thanks!

   1. Wait until you have an offer then determine if it will work. If it’s govt, the hiring processes are so slow sometimes that you could end up finished your maternity leave before you start. Or if another job is looking for you to start immediately, you can say that you’d love to start on January 1 (or whenever), you would be available for three months but would then need 12 (or 8) weeks of unpaid leave as you are currently due on DATE. You would expect to be back in the office on DATE. You hope that works for them, but if not you understand.

   2. Yes obviously. But also understand that you won’t be entitled to maternity leave. Wait until you get an offer. At 5 months already it may make sense to start post “leave”.

   3. I would continue to disclose. Honestly, any company that wouldn’t consider me due to a pregnancy isn’t one I would want to work at. It stinks, I know, to feel like it means opportunities are being shut down, but I’d also consider it a valuable indicator as to how they’d treat you as a working mom.

      1. I don’t think this is entirely fair. As a hiring manager, you have to think about the needs of the business. If the position can be pushed back being filled 6 months, then that’s great. But assuming the initial interview to potential start date is four weeks (often more with many jobs), you have to think about whether the position lends itself to essentially a temp job for three months or less (pending pregnancy complications), then a completely separate ramp up two to three months later. This is entirely different from interviewing at four or eight weeks pregnant. OP is basically asking for a 6 month start date push back.

         1. Managers and businesses have to be prepared to deal with leave on little notice. There are a bunch of reasons someone might unexpectedly be out right after they start: just last month, a new person at my job had a stroke on week two and was out for six weeks. Someone could experience a flare up of a chronic condition. Someone could have a family emergency requiring their attention for a few weeks across the country. Yes, OP has more warning because she’s pregnant, but that doesn’t mean she owes it to the hiring manager to disclose in an interview so they have the opportunity to discriminate if the timeline is inconvenient for them.

            1. She won’t be eligible for job protected leave. They can deal with this by firing her.

            2. She won’t be eligible for FMLA, but she may still be eligible through her company and/or the company could choose not to be a jerk about something outside her control

         2. Anon, at 11:04, that perspective is dangerously close to pregnancy discrimination.

      2. I think this is a good course of action if you can afford it (financially and experience-wise). However, I also don’t think there is any issue with not disclosing. It is illegal for them to discriminate based on pregnancy, so by not telling them, you can be sure that the decision wasn’t influenced by your protected status.

   4. They will figure out that you are pregnant when they take you for an in-person interview. If not, absolutely wait until you have a job offer in hand, and negotiate for some sort of leave.

      I could be wrong here, but I think that 5 months along is a really weird spot. It’s not early enough in your pregnancy that they can get you ramped up (if not with workload, at least with the culture and the clients) before your leave, and not close enough to your leave that they can have you shake hands, meet people, and go out on leave before hitting the ground running after your baby is here.

      1. I have to agree with this, acknowledging that you may be in a situation where you don’t have much of a choice on how you’re structuring things (I am going to take a big leap and say you might be searching as the result of a move?). I know this runs counter to a lot of advice out there, but I think how you start a job is really important, and for that reason I would not withhold the information I was pregnant until I got an offer or started a job. People may not have the legal ability to fire you for being pregnant but even if they keep you on, they are not obligated to like you, make things easy for you, provide you with opportunities, etc. I don’t think pregnancy discrimination is OK, but I also don’t think it’s reasonable to expect people not to feel like they were bait-and-switched if you take an offer without disclosing and then show up very pregnant and needing to take leave about the time they think you’ll really be ramping up. That is probably going to result in lasting bad feelings that will ultimately harm your trajectory at that company. I think it’s better to be up-front than obfuscate and have that bite you later. I agree with the advice that all things considered, it may be better to think about starting something new after the baby is born. You could get a job and if the company or agency was amenable, just postpone your start date until then. Could you do contract or freelance work if you don’t get an offer? Congrats on your pregnancy, BTW.

         1. Thank you. My inclination is to not do the bait and switch move, but it’s hard to not consider because I do feel like my transparency is hurting me during the job search. I also agree that I would like to start the job on the right foot.

            The move date is not set in stone, but I’ve been really hating my job pre-pregnancy and testing the waters to see if i could find a new job. Moving to New State has always been the goal, but surprise baby complicates it all.

            1. I think the ideal, gently, is to wait. If, for instance, you were interviewing at 8 months pregnant and were taking a 6-week leave, well, that’s not much longer than the normal start date range for someone moving from out of state anyway. As a manager, that would be much easier to deal with. I agree with the posters above – it’s how far along you are that makes this hard timing wise. I would want to be as supportive as I could of working moms, but having someone start and then go on an extended leave would put OTHER working moms/just general team members in a really bad place by not filling the position – the work has to go somewhere after all.

            2. Oh you don’t need to move? Stay put. Take you leave. Joh Hunt then.

            3. This seems to me like you are wanting to make your life way harder than it is, and it’s about to be. Finding a new job, moving to a new state, and starting that new job is hard enough. Doing it while pregnant/just after having a baby is going to be exponentially more difficult. I assumed you were having to move – like for a spouse’s/partner’s job transfer. This is not something you want to inflict upon yourself if you have a choice. Have the baby, take the leave. You can absolutely job-hunt while you are on leave (just be aware if your current job can “claw back” anything from you – like insurance copays or vacation pay – if you don’t return to work for them). But this is one of those “you can have it all but not all at the same time” situations. Being realistic and pragmatic will go a long way here.

         2. Not disclosing pregnancy is not a bait and switch. Would you say that about someone with a chronic illness who might need leave within a few months of starting? It’s discriminatory to treat people differently because they are pregnant. Yes, it’s inconvenient, but that’s a cost of doing business.

            1. Also, would you say any of this if it was a man whose partner was pregnant? He’s going to be unavailable and exhausted as well (though not out of the office for as long unless something goes really wrong), but no one expects him to disclose in an interview or feels like they were tricked when they find out after he’s already started.

            2. I agree wholeheartedly that not disclosing pregnancy is not a bait and switch. In fact, it’s a gift to an employer who then doesn’t have to worry about being perceived as factoring in pregnancy.

               If women are going to have careers, they need to be able to switch jobs while pregnant, nursing, and considering pregnancy. It’s great if a woman is in a position where she can dismiss employers who would discriminate. However, a lot of women don’t have so much market power and so many options that they can do that and not have their careers harmed.

            3. You can certainly take that attitude and from a certain perspective, I agree with you. In the real world, you can’t dictate how someone feels about something just because there’s a law against it. My whole point in my post was that the law can dictate that employers don’t fire (or decline to hire) women just because they are pregnant. The law cannot dictate that people feel a certain way about hiring a pregnant woman who didn’t disclose their pregnancy, and it is not farfetched to think that people may not be happy about it. People not being happy can absolutely affect the OP’s experience at the new job. To another poster’s point, how her new company reacts to her pregnancy news in interviews is going to be very indicative of how they will handle her situation as a new mom after she has the baby, and I speak from experience: it is 50 times harder as a new mom to work in an environment that is not family-friendly, so finding that out in advance is useful. Personally, having had a baby, I would not want to walk into a situation – before or after maternity leave – where I felt like I had no goodwill bank with my coworkers, where there may be active resentment or distaste about the way I handled my offer and acceptance, and where I am going to have to absolutely crush it to be seen as valuable and contributory to the team, and I will be cut very little slack because people feel they already accommodated me to the limit of their desire. Coming back from maternity leave is tough and I was grateful, when I did it, to have some grace granted to me for the times I had to come in on no sleep or sick, or had to leave unexpectedly because the baby got sick, etc. There’s a way the OP can set things up for herself that will make her experience at a new job easier for her. There’s a way she can set it up where it will be maximally difficult. I prefer to win wars, even if I have to concede battles every now and then. Your mileage may vary.

            4. The man won’t leave two months after starting work for three to five month, and a chronic illness is not the same because it is unpredictable. Stop comparing apples to oranges. No one is assuming OP won’t be able to perform the job, just that upramping just to leave for several months, then have to upramp again essentially pushes the real “into the job” start date for many professional jobs to six months or more. This isn’t retail where you can pop in an out of shift work.

            5. If a man had a major surgery scheduled that would take him out of commission for three months, I would think it a bit weird that he didn’t disclose that fact.

            6. From the employer’s perspective, what has to be done about someone needing leave for a chronic condition and someone needing the same amount of leave for pregnancy soon after being hired is the same. Yes, OP knows she is pregnant. No, she is not required to disclose (and as someone else pointed out, not disclosing protects both her and the employer from the possibility of pregnancy discrimination). Insisting that women modify their working lives, put off looking for jobs, not job hunt while pregnant, etc., is just propping up a system where men are the default and women are inconvenient alternate employees.

               People need work, even if they’re pregnant and even if they have surgery coming up. Having a human workforce means that you have to account for those things.

   5. I appreciate all the feedback, food for thought.

7. Can anyone comment on how common ringworm is in cats? I just noticed a small bald spot on my cat’s forehead and Google is freaking me out that it could be ringworm. I don’t want to subject her to the vet, which she absolutely hates and gets so stressed out by, unless it seems truly necessary. She’s an indoor only cat, seven years old, and has a shy and nervous disposition.

   1. If kitty drinks milk /gets dairy products it is definitely common, and can be transferred to humans….goodness knows how! I found kitty had it because I developed a circular rash on my arm and had a pharmacist look at it. Meds for kitty /otc cream for me.

   2. My indoor cat got it through me, after I had just visited my sister whose indoor cats both had it. We were super careful, but it happened anyway. The good news is that it wasn’t that big a deal. The vet prescribed a lotion, which she was fine with on her ear, and it went away within a week or so of me applying it as directed. She did not seem to be in any discomfort from it.

   3. If it is ringworm and you don’t treat it, it can and will spread to you (ask me how I know).

      1. Yes, ringworm spreads easily. Call your vet and see if they what they suggest.

   4. Relatively common in young cats. Its less common in older cats because they have likely already been exposed, etc., which is why the vet doubted my 4yo had it. I think he used a black light (UV) to make a certain diagnosis. The most likely alternative he expected was a food allergy, fwiw.

   5. I would take her to the vet. It might not be ringworm but it might be some other skin condition that’s uncomfortable for kitty.

      Not long ago, I noticed my cat licking a spot on his back. I hadn’t noticed the bald spot because the rest of his hair covered it. When I parted the hair, it was a gross scaly oozy patch. The vet didn’t know what the original problem was, maybe a scratch or something, but kitty had made it a lot worse by messing with it. He had to spend over a week in a cone, but the spot went away with some antibiotic ointment and time to heal.

   6. Go to the vet. My entire family got ringworm from a kitten last year and it sucks hard.

   7. Thanks everyone. Did your cats have small one-off patches when they had confirmed ringworm? I’m going to give it a day or two and then call the vet (my cat seriously has a breakdown when we go there – trying to avoid if possible!!).

      1. Posted above about my adult cat getting it…Yes, she only ever had one little spot. Although it is very contagious, I think the posters above are showing a little confirmation bias. No one at our house caught it, not even the other animals, and it took me a week to get kitty to vet.
         You might call the vet and see if they will write you a script based on a phone call. Or you might be able to treat her with the same OTC topical treatment as humans–but check with the vet!

      2. See if you get an get some gabapentin from your vet. You can give it to your kitty about an hour before you leave for the vet and it will help calm her down. My own vet used it for her cats when making a cross-country move. It may help make future visits less traumatic. If they already have her info in the system, they may be able to give you the meds without taking her in.

   8. Do you have a real Christmas tree that your cat is nosing around in? Our cat always gets a scratch and bald spot on her forehead this time of year. I think she gets a little sap on her head and scratches.

      1. Omg, that could be it – she LOVES scratching on the tree. I’ll keep an eye out and see if I can block the tree a bit or something.

8. My dry cleaner has stopped accepting returned hangers. This makes me very sad. That’s all.

   1. I would be sad, too.

9. My in-laws very generously offered to get us a new stove for Christmas, but I’m getting totally overwhelmed by all the options. Does anyone have a gas range they love? Don’t need anything super-fancy; would prefer a convection oven; and they’ve given us a $1,000 budget.

   1. If they’re open to contributing and you feel like a splurge, here’s my favorite stove
      https://bigchill.com/us/30-classic-stove.html

   2. I have a Frigidaire that I absolutely love. It’s a gas stove with a convection option (which I don’t use as much as I thought I would, tbh). Price was around $1,000ish, if I remember right. I doubt the model I have is made anymore but I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend the brand.

   3. Are you a Costco member?

      I would think about ordering from Costco, as their 2 year warranty w/customer support concierge service + 2 years when you use their credit cad can’t be beat. Go to their website and filter for the few parameters you know and prefer / size / price range. Then glance at Wirecutter and Consumer reports for their recs, and pick.

      This approach has been working well for me lately. I have purchased my computer, washing machine recently this way with good results.

   4. Thanks all! The Big Chill is beautiful, not quite gonna work with the budget but a girl can dream, I guess :) Will check out Frigidaire and Costco.

   5. This is my range and I love it. I don’t know if you’re going to kick in any money, but you can definitely get better deals than list price

      https://products.geappliances.com/appliance/gea-specs/C2S985SETSS

      1. Me too.

   6. I have an Aga and love it.

10. I am in a toxic work situation that I need to tolerate for the foreseeable future. Tips on not letting the atmosphere get to me? It’s bad—emotional outbursts, political maneuvering, and angry management. I need to just show up, stay calm, and document the chaos.

    I’m already doing yoga and therapy. What else can I do? I hate how much of a negative effect this is having on me. The knot in my stomach has been waking me up in the middle of the night.

    1. I’m in a similar situation that I also need to stick out for a little while longer.

       Can you telework more often? Keep your door closed? We have an open-door culture but I often schedule fake conference calls with myself to avoid interacting with people who have the worst effect on my mood. Plus I take mental health days pretty often–I’ve managed to use up every hour of my sick leave this year, which is unusual for me.

       1. This and also (literally and figuratively) phone it in. If the toxicity arises when you provide constructive commentary on someone’s idea, stop engaging at that level. Stay in your bubble. Find ways to break up the day – walk at lunch, go out and get your nails done, take a starbucks walk midafternoon – so that you can step away from the mess. Good luck, OP.

    2. Can you put yourself in the headspace of an amused observer studying bizarre human behaviors? Every time someone does something toxic, imagine David Attenborough narrating it on the Martian version of The Discovery Channel.

       1. I do this, except when it gets really bonkers the voice switches to Werner Herzog.

          1. OMG this is great and something I will definitely remember to do.

       2. This is what I do. I pretend I’m a cultural anthropologist.

    3. Pharmaceuticals? Perhaps a low-dose anti-anxiety med could help you manage.

    4. Hug, and if you ever need an internet stranger to tell you that it’s about them and not at all about you, I’m here to tell you: this is about them, their egos, their terrible character, and not at all about you.

    5. Right before I walked into my office I would mentally put on a suit of armor. A medieval suit of armor. Once in my suit nothing could hurt me because, I’m in a suit of amour. Nastiness bounced off me like arrows hitting metal. Once I left for the day I took it off. Laugh all you want but it worked.

       1. How do you actually accomplish this though? I spend my entire morning routine bracing myself for negativity (yes I need a new job, I am aware of that) and would love to learn how to let stuff bounce off of me rather than getting in my soul.

          1. Not the same person as above, but I think sometimes it helps to have a very specific mental visualization, which you process through at a specific time, rather than just generally “bracing for negativity”. The morr you can really sink itno it, and imagine all your senses involved, the better.

             Shiny mideaval armor aint bad. My preference is to imagine Im standing in running water, and what ever they hit me with is just going to wash right downstream.

          2. I use the Survivor motto: Outwit, Outplay, Outlast. Sometimes Outlast is a strategy I need to adopt.

11. I am realizing that I am defaulting in house choices to basic white for permanent-type choices that are expensive (sinks, toilets, tile, cabinets) and hard to replace.

    And for clothing / accessories, I am solidly on #TeamBlack. And maybe what in French is called strict dressing (? maybe that is not a real thing, just something inveted by bloggers).

    I feel so — goth? devoid of patterns and possibly joy (both clothes / home)? Afraid of colors? I think that I will use artwork and soft goods (rugs / curtains / pillows / upholstered items) like I used scarves / jackets / jewelry in outfits: to add texture and color and some visual interest.

    I have no design training — so IMO white is a safe choice (like punting). OTOH, maybe white is the almond of the 2000-teens?

    1. I think it’s a good call. I’m very into design and did my whole house that way in the mid-00s, and it is easy to redo to keep up to date. Pillows, paint, wallpaper, furniture all can easily be changed reasonably for a new look, but fixtures are expensive to change out. Stick with your plan, it’s a good one :)

    2. If that is your aesthetic, lean into it – accents to provide color are great, but you can also vary the black and white with shades of gray if you are more comfortable.

       White for hard to replace fixtures is the least offensive choice as long as you are committing to updating the replaceable decor around it. I don’t see any issue with it and do think that it has longevity that no other color has. Even bathrooms updated in the 90s, so long as they stick to the white, don’t seem offensive in outdatedness to me – the fixtures are probably outdated but a lot less noticeable with colorful accents and tasteful decore around them.

    3. Do not choose colored toilets, tubs, etc. Choose white. Don’t mistake “classic for a reason” for “lazy default.”

       Also, in your shoes, I’d suggest you consider hiring a color consultant or interior designer. They’re available by the hour and can help you make sure undertones match, etc. Building is too expensive to wing it when you don’t have any sense of what works.

    4. I’ve done 3 bathrooms in our old house and all 3 are done in white/grey/black tones. It makes it really easy to swap out the accent colors so that they all look different (master is all white/black for a more adult look, kids hall bath has yellow accents, other en suite has pale blue/purple accents (towels, photos). The one bath we hated the least out of all the hideous 90’s blond wood and brass nonsense was also old but done in white wainscoting and white hex tiles. It’s a classic for a reason!

    5. FWIW I find colorful toilets and sinks to be really jarring. I’ve also never seen them in a color that screams modern.

       Tile work might be a little different, but I’m super grateful to the original owner of my house (built in the mid-90s) for choosing white tile and countertops in the bathrooms. I’ve seen other houses in my neighborhood and… yikes. It’s tough to sell your house if the bathrooms look super dated; those houses sit on the market forever. I’d really resent having to remodel my bathrooms just to sell the house.

12. Any blender recs that aren’t the Vitamix? I just need a basic, run-of-the-mill blender that will make me good smoothies and doesn’t cost hundreds of dollars.

    1. The juice bar I used to work at usually bought Ninja brand, and occasionally Oster. They didnt buy high end because they had to constantly replace the blenders no matter what. I have a Black & Decker that I’ve been happy with for 5 years of moderate home use.

    2. Just for personal smoothies? I’ve been pleased with this one. Sboly Personal Blender, Single Serve Blender for Smoothies and Shakes, Small Juice Blender with 2 Tritan BPA-Free 20Oz Blender Cups and Cleaning Brush https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07MSHT2LH/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apip_oETftB9f4alja

    3. Nutribullet probably fits your bill. Its like $50, my sister loves it for her smoothies.

       1. This is what I have and I love it. It’s very sturdy and I’ve been using it daily for years. I blend whole frozen strawberries in it as party of my daily smoothie, and it’s capable of blending them without leaving chunks. I will LITERALLY AND METAPHORICALLY die if I come upon a fruit chunk in my smoothie, and I’ve been really pleased with my nutribullet. I also run the blade part and the plastic cup part through the dishwasher every day. I don’t think you’re supposed to, but life is too short to hand wash a blender blade, IMO.

    4. Hamilton Beach and Oster are solid brands. My Hamilton Beach has lasted me 9 years, so that model is no longer sold. I chose one with a glass pitcher. Ninja is another solid brand.

    5. I have a Ninja I bought on Amazon that wasn’t very expensive and does a great job.

       1. +1 — I did a lot of research and my Ninja was the best reviewed at a price point lower than the Vitamix

    6. The Breville fresh and furious blender. It’s the number one “mid priced” pick of America’s test kitchen. I previously had a ninja blender which was good, but the lid kept breaking on me and I had to replace that a few times. I also like that the breville has a round pitcher vs. square like ninja, it just seems to make for better blending. It’s listed at $199 for the breville, but I’ve seen some sales for $150.

    7. I love my Ninja. It is so much better than whatever $30 one we had (which may have been oster).

    8. We have a Ninja that is uhhhhhmazing and after we got it I saw no need to get a Vitamix. This thing is ridiculous at pulverizing anything we put into it and makes amazing smoothies. It’s the Nutri Ninja Blender Duo. We got it on sale for about $120.

    9. I have the Breville BlendActive and love it! I recently upgraded to the new version which has food processor and spice/coffee grinder attachments.

    10. I know you said no Vitamix (and I hear you on that!). I had a recent health issue where I needed to drink a lot of smoothies and eat pureed foods, and a friend was kind enough to loan me her Vitamix during that time. I purchased mine afterwards bc it was so amazing! Some of the recommended models above are over $100 and I got my refurbished Vitamix (with warranty) for $200 + tax.

    11. Blentec is better than Vitaxmix IMO (hello Vitamix, you are way too tall to keep on the counter under kitchen cabinets) and my Blendtec has lasted through daily use (blending ice and frozen fruit in my green smoothies) since 2012. Nutribullet is too small (I need more than single serving at a time). When my blender bottle cracked after a drop, I let them know, they sent me a new one, no questions asked. Purchased with BBB 20% off coupon but amazon has it for like $200. Worth the investment if you have smoothies a few times a week, I also make soup in it and use it as a food processor. If you only have smoothies seldomly and have other appliances for soup and food processor, maybe not worth it.

13. Favorite web-based to-do list? I need something I can use on my laptop but also sync to my phone. Phone’s an android.

    1. Not fancy, but google docs.

    2. Google Keep

       1. +1. Keep loads much faster on my Android than Docs. You can have checkboxes & share notes/lists with others. You can have Keep open as a sidebar in your browser with your g mail (not sure if Docs has this as well, I think mind just has Keep, Calendar, and Tasks).

       2. +1

    3. I’ve been doing quarterly google docs with projects and to dos and it is basic but really effective. I move everything to a done pile at the end of the document so I can trace things if I need to.

    4. Workflowy for a to-do list that syncs across devices (no app needed, but there is an app).

       qlist.cc/any-url-you-make-up for a one-off grocery list, trip packing list, or anything like that (just opens in your browser).

    5. Evernote – you can create notes with check boxes.

    6. A day late in this but I have been finding Trello to be SUPER helpful. It’s free and you can have separate boards for work and personal. For work, I’ve found it helpful to be able to move “cards” from one part of the list to another. For example, my “lists” on my work board are “To-Do” (self explanatory), “In Process” (things I’ve started), “With/waiting on others” (self-explan), “done”, “Add to Accomplishments” (for end of year review), and “Intern projects” – I also have one that is specific to a particular topic/project for future planning. On each card (list item) you can add a check list, notes, label, etc. Especially for items that require a lot of back and forth, I keep track of that in the notes area. Hope this helps!!

14. I know this sounds crazy, and like trolling, but I promise this is a serious concern…I’ve been harassed daily my entire adult life in the workplace for looking masculine, even though I have no noticeable facial hair, am very petite, have long hair, wear women’s clothing, etc. I have PCOS, possibly Non Classic Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia (the late onset form of the disorder that causes children to be born with ambiguous genitals), and have had to take medications to keep from growing a beard and to slow my male patterned hair loss (and probably prevent other forms of masculinization). I’m very worried about my future and am wondering if I can somehow identify as m-f transgender or another label that is more “protected” in the workplace in order to…well, “protect” my employment (so I’m not fired for being the one harassed, and thus, creating a problem) and my well-being. I would have been humiliated to do this in the past, but now I’m wondering if just embracing how others see me is better for my future. Honestly, I am a little bitter over the fact that those who identify as LGBTQ get more respect and protections than people like me when my hormonal disorder/appearance that doesn’t totally align with my gender has totally affected the trajectory of my career and my daily mental health. I live in NY state, if that matters…

    1. Hi transgender tr()ll, welcome back. People with disabilitites or medical conditions do not have fewer protections than transgender persons. Please play again, or actually don’t.

       kthxbai.

       1. Thank you. And even if this were real, you absolutely cannot co-opt the very real experiences and discrimination that people who actually identify as trans have to deal with. You were born a woman and identify as a woman.

          1. I don’t think you understand what PCOS/NCAH is. We have double the level of male hormone that the average female has (likely since childhood when our endocrine system begins to mature), and it is very masculinizing (more for some than others perhaps) if not treated. It is progressive and lifelong, and does affect our facial and body structure, our skin, the hair on our head, our body hair, our body odor, etc, etc…Many trans people transitioned BECAUSE they are PCOS/NCAH. Those who aren’t take hormones to look like us unmedicated.

             Sigh…

             1. Gender identity is not the same as a hormonal imbalance.

             2. How do you assume that having twice the level of testosterone as a normal woman doesn’t affect my gender identity? I just choose to be female, because I personally think (thought) that would be the path of least resistance and how I was raised. I was raised that we didn’t have to completely adhere to gender stereotypes. I even had an idiot lady at one of my jobs say that I’d look better as a man. She wasn’t the last. I probably would.

                Again, I don’t know why people assume that people who choose to change genders have faced something more severe than women like I have. I think you are duped or just following some script somewhere. Hormones affect how you feel and your sexuality, for sure. Whether you choose to cave to societal pressure or not and take on a new label is up to you.

       2. Omg, stop the tr011 accusations every time any topic on this subject comes up. It’s so tiresome and intellectually lazy.

          1. But here, it’s accurate.

          2. Did you bother reading OP’s responses before you posted that? It’s clearly a troll.

    2. Yeah, this isn’t going to work. You were born a female and identify as a woman, you can’t get protection as LGBTQ person. You can make a case that you have harassed/discriminated based on your s*x or gender, whether you are a man, woman, or there is a perception of either or by another person. You can make get protections based on health status, to the extent those exist in your state/locality. But it’s completely in your control whether or not you choose to pursue actions against employers and has nothing to do with anyone else’s gender or s*xual orientation. I guarantee you, if you are actually being discriminated against due to an appearance of masculinity, any trans people in your workplace are not being treated any better.

       Also, you need to go see a therapist if you are experience negative feelings towards LGBTQ people (especially since this doesn’t make sense, gay and lesbians have nothing to do with being trans) due to being personally discriminated against in the workplace – that’s how you get racists incels, being jealous of the appearance of others doing better than you and attributing it to an immutable physical trait. So you should check yourself before you fall that deep.

    3. The “I” in LGBTQIA+ is for Intersex – might that be applicable to your situation, if you do have a hormonal disorder that’s been diagnosed? You shouldn’t be subjected to harassment in the workplace, whether you’re part of a protected class or not.

       1. I shouldn’t be, but there are no laws against it. I have never been able to do anything about it. Adults are allowed to be “jerks” if you are not being targeted as a possible sexual partner when you don’t wish to be, or are not part of a protected class. Ask a Manager seems to confirm this. However, the types of comments/behavior/name calling I’ve been subjected to is basically the same as what transpeople would experience. Many F-M transgenders do have PCOS or NCAH. Probably more than have been reported. It’s tricky.

          1. People bring targeted as a result of a medical condition are a protected class. This is why everyone thinks you are a troll.

             1. They’re 100% a bigoted troll. See how they refer to transgender people as “transgenders.”

          2. That’s just not how any of this works.

          3. There is certainly laws against it- the whole EEOC case law about sexual orientation is people who are not conforming to expectations of their gender. None of what you are saying makes sense – you have a sexual discrimination claim (not conforming to traditional feminine standards) and medical discrimination

             1. Just because the EEOC has case law doesn’t mean that a company follows the law.

                Did you miss the entire point of MeToo?

             2. Are you being purposefully obtuse? Of course not every company follows the law. OP is saying she wishes there was a law to protect her – and she thinks there would be if she was transgender. If the company doesn’t follow the law they certainly wouldn’t because she was transgender. She can either leave, sue, or both but I was pointing out that she is very mistaken that there are no laws about what she says is happening to her.

             3. I think a company would be more likely to follow the law when transgendered folks are concerned, because I can clearly see that the LGBTQ community gets more attention on the news and everywhere else than any other group. They are very vocal and aggressive about their rights and they will take action whenever possible.

             4. Do you think that the LGBTQ community will rally to your side when they find out that you are pretending to be transgender to secure what you naively believe are “greater” workplace protections? That they’ll pay for your pro-bono attorney to fight your lawsuit? How do you expect your friends and family to react to your assertion that you are going to “become” transgender so that you can file a discrimination claim? Are you actually going to attempt to transition? Are you going to carry over your “new identity” into your social/romantic life? How is dating going to go for you? Your critical thinking skills are very, very poor.

                Sounds like you’re just annoyed that the LGBTQ community stands up for itself.

             5. Why am I not considered part of that community is what I want to know. Most of the harassment in the workplace I have received is directed at my appearance being masculine, despite huge attempts to combat this (long hair, lots of pharma meds, girly clothing). I am even called “trans” quite a bit. They want kids to get hormone therapy before puberty so they don’t end up looking like me. I don’t understand all of the hate directed toward me. Well, I do understand. It’s pure ignorance, lack of education, and just parroting the jargon or soundbites of the day without really understanding what is behind a lot of the LGBTQ movement (some of that being actual medical disorders).

                I have never even heard of anyone with PCOS considered as a “protected” class because they look different due to a medical issue.

       2. Unrelated but I’ve always wondered why the T and I are lumped in with the LGBT. The latter is based on romantic ans s*xual attraction and the former is based on a medical condition. I’ve always thought both parts would be better addressed as separate issues/movements, but just an observation.

          1. You think being transgender is a medical condition?

             1. I think “the latter” referred to “I”

       3. Intersex would be if I had actually been born with male and female parts, which I have not. Again, tough situation.

          1. Intersex covers all biological sexual variations from the binary, not just those that are gen*tally visible.

             1. I didn’t know that. Hmm.

    4. Nope. You’re more likely to be fired and harassed if you identify as transgender openly.

       1. NY seems very friendly to trans people and our gov supports trans rights. They are Everywhere you go here. I think with gov’t employment, it would help if I could do that. Essentially, I am not that different from trans people, because unmedicated, I would eventually look like a bearded lady from the circus…and who knows what might have happened to my body shape.

          1. Well, now it’s clear you are just tro11ing.

             In NYS you are also protected from harassment based on gender, which includes not complying with gender norms.

             1. I’m not trolling. I don’t think you are actually “protected”. I think they just have a generic form employers can use to distribute to employees with that information there to encourage them to adopt that as policy. Is that correct, or did you just do a quick Google search, find that doc, and come to your conclusion?

             2. Literally no idea what you’re talking about. It’s long established by case law and statute.

          2. “Essentially, I am not that different from trans people, because unmedicated, I would eventually look like a bearded lady from the circus…and who knows what might have happened to my body shape.”

             Just want to highlight this in case people missed it. This is an insane thing to say. Go away troll.

             1. Can you please at least Google “PCOS”? Join a PCOS group on FB, even? There are countless pics of women who grow beards much like men, sadly. You can prevent this or slow this with meds that have many side effects. For some, this disorder can be controlled or reversed somewhat with diet, for others, it is lifelong and the longer your follicles are exposed to high androgens, the more likely you are to have coarse “beard” hairs grow where vellus hairs were. The more likely your hair will fall out.

                You are the one who is trolling and angry. There are other PCOS ladies here. They know the deal.

             2. LOL I’m trolling. Sure lady. Your ignorance is stunning. I am not arguing with your assertion that women with PCOS struggle with a variety of physical symptoms, including excess facial hair. I am not arguing that what you are experiencing is easy. But the idea that you are “essentially not that different” from transgender people because, if unmedicated, you will grow facial hair reveals a fundamental misunderstanding on your part of what it means to be a transgender person, and a fundamental dismissal of the challenges that they face. You are boiling it down to a question of appearance, which is just insane. You have been corrected on your misunderstandings multiple times in this thread. Your intentional efforts to miss the point show you’re not commenting in good faith.

             3. Again, I will repeat that you are making the assumption that the hormonal disorder I have doesn’t affect my sense of self. It does. Just because I have chosen to just keep with my biological sex despite how I may feel and my lack of fitting in the world, doesn’t mean that I am not struggling just as much. I know that is not the popular thing to do now, but it is a valid choice. I don’t have to entertain every thought I have about not feeling feminine or even not feeling “straight” during certain times if I don’t want to.

                Do you even understand how hormones affect the brain and body? Also, I will repeat, at least a quarter of F-M transgendered people have the same medical condition as me and I am certain it has weighed into their decision to transition.

    5. I’m sorry this is happening to you. How old are you? Is it possible you’re exaggerating? You said you’ve been harassed “daily my entire adult life in the workplace” – can you describe the harassment? Honestly, I think pretending to be transgender when you’re not could get you in some trouble; to me it’s almost like saying you have cancer for sympathy/time off, but you don’t have cancer. Have you reported the harassment? I’m in HR for a Fortune 50 company and we would not tolerate harassment of anyone based on their appearance.

       1. I’m in my 30s now. Honestly, I’m noticing it has gotten better in recent years as I am sort of aging out of the “attractive years” where people care more about how you look (which in and of itself is a little sad thinking how I spent my youth ugly and now I’m old). Or maybe it is because this type of harassment is talked about more and people know it is frowned upon. I still am very sensitive to it and the older I get, the more I feel like I shouldn’t HAVE to deal with this. Years ago, when I was almost 30, I felt way too old for this garbage.

          No, not exaggerating if comments occurred every day where I was commonly referred to by a man’s variation of my name, “trans”, “shim”…called a man, little boy…It isn’t just at work, but I feel like I have a right to peace there, but I know that’s naïve.

          1. “That is completely unprofessional and needs to stop immediately.”

             “I am a woman. Please refer to me as such.”

             “This is a workplace, not middle school. Enough.”

             “My name is Michelle. Call me by my correct name.”

             Then document. If people are repeatedly told to use your correct name and refer to you as a woman, and fail to do so because you are not “feminine enough,” that is possibly actionable sex discrimination.

             1. I was always embarrassed to bring more attention to the behavior in the moment, as if I had no right or that people would laugh, but maybe that is what I should do. I’m a grown woman now. I don’t want to be continuously subjected to this until retirement, and I don’t want this “victimization” to define me as it has. I want to reach my career and personal goals, so I need strategies like this. Thanks.

       2. I’m also in HR, for a large company. If this kind of behavior was reported to us we would absolutely counsel the offenders, solely from the perspective that regardless of any other consideration those kinds of statements do not meet standards for our Code of Conduct or our corporate values. People have been terminated for repeatedly accosting other employees with no Title VII or other considerations involved. If you have not gone to your manager or HR, you need to try again. With all due respect, it is very common for HR people to hear “no one helped me” in a situation of repeated negative interaction when the person being impacted actually only obliquely mentioned something to someone once. There’s quite a bit about your OP and your responses that isn’t ringing true for me but I am going to set that aside and give you the benefit of the doubt. As long as you are adhering to the policy-codified dress code for your company, your appearance should not be the subject of commentary at work for any reason, full stop. Your HR rep and your manager should be able to help you here.

          1. Some of the issue might lie in the fact that when I was younger and tried to address this, I looked young for my age and people didn’t take me very seriously. Another factor is that I think I may have only been hired in places that were more dysfunctional in part due to not being “conventionally attractive” or whatever. Maybe a place that is more “buttoned up” is something I should seek and try to “fit into”.

             1. If even half of what you’re saying is true, I think you’re one of those people who has painted yourself into a psychological corner about how everyone is out to get you and that your looks are your problem, and not your personality or approach. I know people who by conventional standards are ugly enough to stop a clock but they’re very successful because they have figured out a way to interact with people and with the world around them that works for them. If that is not something you have figured out, therapy can help. Very bluntly, I have seen excuse after excuse after excuse from you up and down this thread that just reinforces what others are saying about you trolling. I don’t think any real person with a real issue could be both this clueless and this hapless, sorry to say. Whatever is wrong with you, or with your life, you can fix it. And you are the only one who can fix it. If you’re convinced therapists won’t help you, a life coach could also help. You are living in a prison of your own making, but you absolutely have the key to the door – if you’ll use it.

    6. Unfortunately, this is a situation wherein other people are 100% in the wrong but it ends up sort of being your job to fix it.

       Document the harassment; it’s not acceptable. Discuss with HR. Whether or not it is actionable sex discrimination, it’s not an appropriate way for people to behave at work.

       Work with a trusted friend or a therapist to generate some responses to shut down harassment. Practice until you are very, very good at them and they come naturally.

       If you would like to change your appearance (you are most certainly NOT obligated to), consider going to a salon and having them help with hair and makeup. Sometimes, highlights, a different cut, waves, eyebrow shaping, and makeup that is applied very, very well can alleviate enough of the “masculine” appearance.

       And consider finding a personal shopper or a very trusted friend to help you with clothes. I trust that you are well-groomed, but might need some extra help (which is a really unfortunate and sad statement about how people behave).

       1. You are probably right. I have done a lot of this, and people have said that I wear a lot of flowery/romantic/girly clothing because I am trying to hide how masculine I look. Or that I look like I am a little boy dressed in drag. Or they see the outline of a padded bra if they’re looking too closely and comment on that. I think I need bangs to hide my forehead/facial structure, but have been unable to get someone to attempt this for me due to my cowlicks and curly hair texture. I may have to get helper hair…

          I appreciate your honesty. It’s tough, and I’ve got to try harder…I have looked into surgery and spoke with my PCP about this years ago, but I was dismissed/labeled/stigmatized as being “depressed and anxious” and was told I need to be “ok with myself first”. Even though my doc was well aware of the harassment because I had discussed it with her years before the surgery…and her own employees were making comments (similar to that of co-workers) as well whenever I came in. So I know she was aware there was an issue.

          1. I don’t doubt your story, but it’s also kind of unbelievable that people would say those things. I’m sorry to hear that they actually exist.

             1. I agree with you. I think I am just one of those rare, truly odd-looking people, unfortunately. I have been told that a lot. People probably pick up on the fact that I’m super insecure about it and often hide from people, and then take advantage. I have been afraid to act more confident, because that is initially met with a lot more aggressive comments up front, but maybe those would subside with time. Maybe acting insecure helps the situation…continue.

          2. Get a new PCP. Your current one is terrible.

             A padded bra shouldn’t show through your clothing if both the bra and the clothing fit properly. Little girl clothes may give people an incentive to look down on you; it’s tricky to find powerful but feminine clothes.

             I say this as someone who has been down this path: there’s a vicious cycle in which people treat you badly, you get used to being treated badly, and then you almost have a target on your back wherein people know they can just tear into you and you’ll take it. It’s really, really had to break that cycle, and often involves therapy, but it is ultimately very worthwhile. I noticed this a bit throughout my early 20s – had an abusive childhood – and went through it again in a really awful way in my mid-30s after a brutal, PTSD-inducing MeToo situation at work. You get progressively more and more frayed and every time, it just gets harder to shut it down.

             1. Someone had said this about my undergarments after standing over me while sitting. Nothing was showing, but he could see a thick line from my bra from that angle. Men notice a lot of things you’d think they didn’t…even when a certain bra makes you look marginally different under clothing than another. I was always brought up with the idea that people paid less attention to you than you would think, and that probably led to a lack of self-awareness…and then I look different so I have to be aware that there is even more attention on me. Yeah, there is a lot more I could take responsibility for. It isn’t fair, but I have to get over that aspect if I want to get anywhere in this world.

                You are right. The super feminine clothing I wear probably does lead to biases for other reasons. I’ve heard of this but never thought too much about it. It is tricky to find clothing that is sophisticated and feminine. I am always working on that.

                Yes, I sound very “calm” about this here, but my life situation has lead me to basically become a hermit. I am working on trying to get out of that because I am getting older and realizing I’ve missed out on a lot of life, but I don’t know how to grow and accomplish things in my life with this humiliation. It’s hard to get your head around when you are a full on adult and never dealt with stuff like this as a kid, and you are the target, but it is your fault it happens, your fault you feel bad about it…you are labeled as “mentally ill” when you really just want to know how to live like everyone else is able to live. Meaning, you want to know how to be left alone to do your thing.

       2. Also, I’ve been to therapy, and have never been given any coping strategies. I was just always told at the gate that people were just “mean” and to try medication/go on disability. List things I like about myself. As if it is a self-esteem issue. I think many female therapists are intimidated by these types of issues when they see there is no resolution and giving the advice you gave (to change yourself to please others) is seen as harmful by their community (though practical).

          1. I see you haven’t found a good therapist yet lol

             1. It is a lot of work to find a good therapist. I can imagine it would be especially hard to find a good therapist to work with on these issues specifically.

                OP, why did therapists suggest you should go on disability?

             2. Why did they suggest I go on disability? I am guessing that they don’t think I am over the post traumatic stress of many past incidents and what continues to go on. Maybe they wanted to create a vehicle for me to have some financial support while I figure out what to do with my life? I really don’t know, but I know I was hurt and offended.

             3. Yes, it is tough to find a good therapist. Like I said above, not being conventionally attractive and not getting employed at the best places leads to more unchecked harassment that you can’t get away from, leads to workplace performance issues and rumors started about you to justify bad co-worker behavior, leads to you not having good health insurance because you are again, not employed at a great place and don’t have much money, etc, etc.

             4. I’m really sorry you’ve been going through this. I have been through some difficult times for different reasons (I’m neuroatypical and have been targeted and ostracized sometimes without even realizing it). I also have endocrine disorders. I remember feeling frustrated when I visited a women’s health center that offered so-called “bioidentical” HRT. I had failed to tolerate other forms of HRT, so I was desperate. The doctor explained that they offered bioidentical HRT for MTF transitioning but not for women with masculinizing endocrine disorders. It made me feel like I needed a way to ask transition from being a woman to being a woman, if that makes sense. So I’ve experienced that there are odd gaps in how women, the non-binary, and the genderfluid are viewed and treated. I’d still encourage you to work against feeling bitter, salty, or envious towards other vulnerable people in the way you’ve confessed to feeling here, since it’s hard to hear.

                I don’t know how to say this, but while I’m hearing you place a lot of focus on your appearance and how it nets you negative reactions, no one here has seen or met you, and you’re still netting some negative reactions from your words. I believe you that you haven’t experienced good therapy, but it’s possible that some form of coaching or DBT skills training would help you come up with the right script to be heard by HR or by others, or to advocate for yourself more successfully. It isn’t any more fair than being judged by appearances is fair, but it can still work.

                I may find it hard to make this choice after being discriminated against based on my appearance, but you might also consider “leaning in” to your appearance and cultivating a style that makes your look into more of a statement. Try checking out the style analysis on the website “truth-is-beauty” and looking at the different “style” categories on Pinterest for an idea of what I’m talking about. If it turns out that you’re not satisfied with “Romantic-Ethereal-Natural” looks, there may be another style category that you are more satisfied with. I would like to say this is “just for yourself,” but if I’m honest, it’s largely something I do because it elicits different responses from others, and the clothes I like aren’t always the same as what elicits those responses from others. (I guess that’s one reason I started reading here, a fashion site about what to wear at work!)

             5. “Yes, it is tough to find a good therapist. Like I said above, not being conventionally attractive and not getting employed at the best places leads to more unchecked harassment that you can’t get away from, leads to workplace performance issues and rumors started about you to justify bad co-worker behavior, leads to you not having good health insurance because you are again, not employed at a great place and don’t have much money, etc, etc.Yes, it is tough to find a good therapist. Like I said above, not being conventionally attractive and not getting employed at the best places leads to more unchecked harassment that you can’t get away from, leads to workplace performance issues and rumors started about you to justify bad co-worker behavior, leads to you not having good health insurance because you are again, not employed at a great place and don’t have much money, etc, etc.”

                Someone once told me that if you look at your life and continually think everyone else is the problem, and that everything that happens to you can be chalked up to tragic situations that are 100% outside of your control, it is actually you who are the problem, because our lives are 10% about what happens to us, and 90% how we react to it. It was excellent advice and it changed the way I looked at the world, and it was very beneficial for my career.

                I also believe in the old saying “there are no ugly women, only lazy ones” and I extrapolate that to people who are mentally lazy about their looks and how their looks affect their life. It is not only “conventionally attrractive” people who are successful in life or all female CEOs would look like ex-strippers. Meg Whitman, Indra Nooyi, Madeleine Albright, Ruth Bader Ginsburg – these are a few women who do not fall into the stereotypical “conventionally attractive” category but have still crushed it in the success department. Our brains and the walls we build inside our own heads hold us back far more than our looks.

    7. If your medical conditions qualify as disabilities than you are in a protected class because you are being harassed for your disability. Also, I think sex discrimination includes treating someone differently for not-conforming with gender stereotypes. I’m sorry you are dealing with rude and inconsiderate people.

    8. I don’t think you have to officially identify as trans to make a complaint. HR should still take your situation seriously.

       1. I’ve done all of this before. The first time I did this, it was totally ignored. The second time I did this I was 25 or 26 and my manager ended up denying that this was happening and told HR that I should get counseling for mental health issues. The reason for this is that the job was dead-end and the person starting all of the trouble was her personal friend. Both she and her husband worked at this same company and the troublemaker and a bunch of others were at her house every Friday night partying. Here I was a naïve young person and thinking people were going to do something about this, and I ended up having my personnel record ruined. The third time I did this, I had told my manager about it, and again, she was friendly with a lot of the people starting trouble and I was a nobody…so I ended up confronting one of the people myself. The next morning I got a call saying I wasn’t to come in that day or any other day, and they mailed my personal belongings to my home. Since then, I have pretty much been destroyed. You get the idea…

    9. This is outrageous and I am pissed on your behalf.

       As others have noted, this shouldn’t be your issue to fix. But because we live in the real world, I would at least consider looking for another job with less shitty coworkers. It doesn’t sound like there is much possibility for confusion in how your present your gender, but even if there was, AT MOST a coworker should once ask “How would you like me to address you and what pronouns do you use?” Seriously, there are workplaces out there where you will be treated with basic dignity and respect.

    10. I believe that you are trolling or you haven’t done a minute’s worth of research on this subject. Sex-based discrimination under Title VII has long been held by the courts to include behavior/comments regarding a person’s conformance with gender stereotypes. Price Waterhouse v. Hopkins, 490 U.S. 228 (1989). You are completely naive if you think that there are greater protections for LBGT/transgender people.

        1. I got this idea from the fact that in recent years, many of them have been hired (they are literally out in the open everyplace you go and this was never the case just a short time ago), and I see that behavior has been tolerated from that group that wouldn’t be tolerated by other groups…at least, for as long. Not that I want to behave badly, but it is beyond clear that trans people are definitely receiving different treatment in a lot of places.

           I have also seen that bathroom facilities changed to combined male/female ones practically overnight…even in nursing homes. I definitely live in an LGBTQ friendly place.

           I even see people I went to school with become trans and suddenly are best friends with the snobbiest older girls who to this day, would have never talked to these people if they weren’t in this new favored group.

           I’m sorry if this sounds salty. I am understandably a little salty. I am discriminated against in the same way (I feel) as transpeople, but no respect…Again, sorry.

           1. YOU ARE NOT DISCRIMINATED AGAINST IN THE SAME WAY. Holy crap.

              1. That’s a rude and dismissive response to what the OP is going through. Her struggle is not unique – I’ve read reports (even on this site) of women with PCOS being treated awfully. In a time when GNC behavior is lauded in many progressive circles, women with PCOS and lesbians are being left out.

              2. Discrimination is still discrimination. It’s not okay no matter how it’s happening.

              3. Do people with medical conditions experience discrimination? Absolutely.
                 But she cannot claim to be discriminated against like a trans person when she is not a trans person. End of story.

                 This is all moot because it’s a troll anyway.

              4. Why on earth would you argue with someone who is sharing her own perspective on being discriminated against? Shame on you.

              5. Come to think about it, when I say I see transpeople, I guess I mean M-F. I don’t really see butch lesbian types anymore or trans men that look like their breasts are bound or anything like that. Maybe it is just sexism again. Bio men can be whoever they want now. Women not so much, but congrats for declaring yourself a man instead of staying female…but you are still not as good as a bio male or a trans female. But certainly “better” than a butch lesbian.

                 Misogyny will never die.

           2. I get where you’re coming from and it’s a struggle that a lot of young lesbians have dealt with too – being a lesbian was never “cool,” but many who began identifying as trans have noticed that everyone is instantly more accepting and that there’s some kind of “cred.” We’ve discussed that on this site before.

           3. TG people are not receiving less harrassment @you. I think that you’re a troll bu there’s a logical fallacy in your agreement that you’d be better off if TG. One group being discriminated against less isn’t a negative for you. Connect with PCOS support groups in your area.

              1. Chiming back in to say this. I have PCOS also. I have been on Metformin for 20 yrs and Spironolactone for 10 years to manage the symptoms and it is very effective. The OP absolutely needs to see an endocrinologist who specializes in PCOS if her external symptoms are bothering her to the point that she has become “a hermit.” What I was told many years ago is that if external symptoms are out of control, her internal disease is also out of control, and high androgen levels lead to staggeringly high levels of stroke, heart attack, and reproductive cancers over time. The main goal with my treatment was to get my androgens (specifically free testosterone) under a certain level to address the basic health risks. If OP is not on medication she needs to be; this is a health issue, not an appearance issue, even though she’s framing it all about looks. OP – find a new doctor who is willing to hang in with you while you trial-and-error some different treatments. Metformin and Spirono is tried-and-true but different endocrinologists are doing lots of different things to help PCOS now.

              2. I do feel the subtle “judgement” for being a more masculine woman and not trans. I have been bullied by actual trans people like they are somehow “better” than me. I don’t really want to go there, though. I know it seems juvenile, and seems juvenile to care, but I feel too old to be subject to this and I want it to stop.

                 I mean, who is to say that a trans person with PCOS didn’t become trans for feeling the same way that I do and experiencing the same things? I think there are probably many like that.

              3. I do not have the “type” of PCOS where Metformin is given. I have leanish PCOS with no insulin resistance. I was on birth control and the maximum dosage of Spiro for most of my adult life and had to discontinue it in recent years due to a medical issue and never returned to it. The drugs did help with some of my hirsutism (but not on my face, interestingly), but I always felt and looked terrible on the drugs, had worsened IBS-C and gastritis, and I still had tremendous acne even with daily use of topical medications. The doctors want me to go on the meds again, but going on could permanently accelerate some symptoms until they stabilize (as they did before), and I am not in a place where I am ready to do that. Right now, I am taking a more holistic approach, but I do see the hair loss and hirsutism slowly progressing and I just am looking more masculine with normal aging…

           4. Oh come on. I’m the person you’re responding to, and I am a lawyer, and I am telling you that you are wrong, legally. I am not saying that the conduct you’re being subject to is *not* actionable discrimination (rather, I would bet it is as long as it meets the severe and pervasive standard), what I’m telling you is that what you are experiencing IS discrimination on the basis of sex and you *do not need* to be considered a transperson to get “more protection.” You already have all the protection available. Your remedy is to document and go to HR, not to some how attempt to present yourself as a person transitioning, how ludicrous.

              If you really care about this issue, I would expect that you would have done some cursory google searching to learn about this, which you clearly have not. You should be receiving this as good news but you’re not, which suggests that the primary purpose of your commenting here is to grind your ax. The rest of your nonsense sounds like our typical uninformed tr0ll. (New favorite group? Could you be more uninformed? Doubt it. Why don’t you look up stats on how often transmen and transwomen are subject to violence because of who they are?)

           5. They have been hired and are out in the open, therefore they aren’t discriminated against anymore? You’re out in the open and have been hired, too, yet you claim that you’re facing daily discrimination.

              1. I see that they are not being harassed. I am sometimes in the presence of a transgendered person when I am being harassed about being a masculine looking woman. No one finds that ironic. It is obvious from this thread alone that transgendered people do have some “cred” and are favored over just a masculine looking female. You don’t even know me or see me and there is so much hatred directed toward me.

                 As I said, I had a friend in HS who is now trans. She didn’t have many friends in school and people really weren’t interested in her (actually, I didn’t get any attention, either). She was just a weird girl who didn’t dress like a girl. Now, she’s an absolute star. All of the attractive, educated, smug people fall all over her (well, him now). You all don’t know me and you are falling over yourselves to tell me that transgendered people are more deserving of respect and protection than me, that they had a tougher road, etc. It’s crazy. It’s like you have intellectually enjoyed defending this small minority of people and you don’t want to expand your empathy to many others because it would make you less erudite or something.

              2. You sound jealous of your friend and aggressively disrespectful of him. I regret engaging with your post because it really sounds like trolling to me now.

    11. Go away troll.

    12. I live in a state with zero LGBTQ employment protections, but even if your state has them, you likely have more protection as someone with a medical condition. If you’ve been bullied all your life, it can be hard to change your perspective, but what’s happening is not okay.

        I typically don’t recommend going to HR, but I would in this situation. Explain that you have a medical condition, that you are being harassed because of it, and ask for their help dealing with the problem.

15. I was talking with my nephew since he is home on break. He has a phone and texts / calls home periodically. He had a hilarious (until later, when I found it horrifying) story about how his roommate’s GF and his roommate’s mom routinely b*tch text each other in a passive-aggressive manner and recently got into a text fight about whether the mom thinks that the GF is a drama-fest who is not good enough for her son (per nephew: true, and the mom isn’t shy about sharing her feelings) and from the GF (that she is going to marry the roommate anyway and there is nothing that the mom can do about it). Note 1: nobody is engaged; note 2: at least half of these people were drunk; note 3: phones ought to have breathalyzers on them.

    Is this how college is now? I cannot imagine involving my parents in my college-era love life, much less have people spatting like this.

    1. No, these people are weird and the parent is overly involved in her kid’s life. In my college days (less than ten years ago), for all our parents knew we went to class, went to dorm and studied for six hours, said our prayers, and went to sleep lol

    2. Why would you generalize from a single example? You could just as well ask: is this how parenting works these days? Since the mom is taking an active part in this crazy story.

    3. I wouldn’t extrapolate this one example to all of college. That’s the GF and MIL-to-be being a couple of drama llamas. Mom is overly involved in son’s life.

    4. Weird and not normal. I have a teenager and don’t know any parents who text their children’s friends or significant others. I can barely get my own offspring to communicate with me. Why on earth would she bother to communicate with other people’s parents?

    5. Weird generalization.

       My daughter is a college freshman. We face time fairly regularly so she can share the “tea” with me about her roommate situation (she’s thankfully switching rooms at the semester break as her roommate seems to think my daughter is her live-in maid) but other than providing a sounding board and sympathetic ear, I’m not involved. I don’t know her roommate’s or friends’ or boyfriend’s contact info. I would never contact them. The same was true for her high school friends.

       I think what you have is an isolated story and not “kids these days.”

    6. Sounds like the roommate got his predilection for drama llamas for being around his mother for so long.

    7. This is not normal college student behavior.

    8. What does any of this have to do with “college students these days”?? What a bizarre jump you’d have to make to get to that generalization. And honestly why are you so involved/invested in your nephew’s personal life?

       1. From syntax and punctuation, I’m guessing this is the poster who wanted to bring her family to her nephew’s college for homecoming weekend because he wasn’t coming home for Thanksgiving. Then again, I had the same reaction to the poster who asked about all white tile and fixtures above (who clearly is the poster who couldn’t decide on a range hood), so I could be wildly off base.

16. Any tips and tricks for an internal interview? I’m an academic and my centre got another round of funding so it’s basically the job I’ve been doing, just with an extra two years tackled on. Interviewing with my direct supervisor, and two people from my department who know me quite well. I was led to believe the job was mine (conversations about how to transition some of my existing projects) but then told it was very competitive so I’m feeling all at sea now. I know tick boxes are involved, so I need to be careful not to assume they know anything about me, but it just feels so awkward.

    1. Prepare for it exactly as you would an external interview, coming prepared with talking points for each job duty, any accomplishments previously done in the role, etc.

    2. Let me validate you by saying it IS awkward. That said: treat this as seriously as any external interview. Anticipate the hard questions, and plan for them. Be prepared to demonstrate your value and what you bring to your center. You’re gonna have to push past the discomfort of touting your accomplishments in front of people who know you already. Definitely don’t assume they just know.

       I’m on the staff side of academia and have been on both sides: being the internal candidate, and on the interview panel considering internal candidates. I had one candidate who didn’t prep well and who gave off the air that she thought she didn’t need to be as serious/formal as the others. It didn’t leave a good impression, unfortunately.

       1. Thanks – that’s really helpful. I think that’s what is awkward – I have a tendency to cavaet ‘we did this…as part of a team’ and need to push past that. I’m definitely not taking the post for granted. A two year postdoc is like gold and while I’m one of very few people with expertise in this specific niche, I know that loads of people could do the job well. My motivation is not have to train my replacement :)

    3. I’d treat it like an external interview in terms of prep and what you bring in (I’m not in academia, but things like a strategy, plan for the job, proposal, etc. whatever would make sense if you were external) and view being internal as the “leg up” as you have insight into the actual challenges and personalities in your workplace. I’ve sat on a lot of internal/external panels and the internals who don’t do well treat the situation as a given and don’t “bring it” like an external candidate would. Good luck!

    4. Is it over the top to prep a one page hand out with all your achievements in the post and where you plan to take it in the next year, to pass out at the interview?

    5. I’m in academia and have been on both sides of this particular interview process. Everyone else has great advice, and I’d add that this is a situation where mock or practice interviews with someone else (a friend, mentor, anyone outside the current workplace) will allow you to rehearse presenting as if you were interviewing with strangers. Write a list of potential questions and have someone else play the role of interviewer and you role play the outside candidate — concentrate on filling the assumed knowledge gaps and being appropriately formal so you will ‘match’ any other candidate presentations. Good luck!

17. The winter doldrums are suddenly hitting me hard. I slept a lot this weekend and felt cranky and unmotivated, even though I had plenty of Christmas stuff I could’ve been working on. I did force myself to go for a run on Saturday, which gave me some temporary relief but then I blew off my workout this morning because I couldn’t get out of bed. Basically, it’s a terrible combination of the dark and cold, being overwhelmed by the holidays, yet having zero motivation to do anything. If I could hibernate, I would.

    Blah. How are all of you coping?

    1. I’m doing all the self-care things – I have a sad lamp, I try to get as much light as possible, eat well, go to hot yoga, and it just isn’t enough. Honestly though, I’ve admitted defeat and realized that Scottish winters have finally broken me. I saw the doctor and they are checking up on my vitamin d but have also prescribed a low dose of antidepressant.

       1. I’m already on a low-dose SSRI and have wondered if I should ramp it up during the winter months. I’m in the Midwest and have lived here my entire life. Why am I not better at this?!

          1. +1 I too am on a low-dose SSRI and am considering upping my dose for the winter (I’m Canadian). Anyone who has done this, let us know if it helped!

          2. Honestly same. I have lived in Canada my entire life and somehow I still get surprised when it gets cold and dreary and all I want to do is hibernate and not talk to anyone.

             It’s probably not a coincidence that I haven’t been taking my vitamin D/doing the happy light the last couple weeks and have been feeling this way lately.

             Commiseration!

             1. I’m the same way. 34 miserable Canadian winters under my belt and yet every year I’m shocked and dismayed.

    2. After I got really, really depressed at this time of year a few years ago I decided to lean into it and accept that this is a bad time of year for me, and I will do what I can do to get through it and not guilt myself that it’s not a big deal and I should just be normal. I count down days to the winter solstice and then I do something to celebrate on the solstice day (we usually cook a fancy dinner) because that’s the turning point for me. I have a Philips wake-up light alarm clock that helps me get out of bed. I take extra Vitamin D. I try to get outside every day while the sun is up and get some outside/fresh air time, which helps even if the sun is not shining through clouds (at least 15-20 minutes). Beyond that I just indulge my desire to sleep more, go to bed earlier, skip morning workouts, etc. The solstice is Saturday and from there the days will get longer and it will get better. Some of this is genetic (depending on your ancestry, this may be the time of year when people just naturally went into low-energy/near-hibernation mode because resources were scarce, and we’re not as far removed from that as we think) and there’s only so much we can do about it.

    3. I have a happy light that I use 4 out of 7 days a week. Although it will probably become more. Actually, I have 2. One at home and one at work. They recommend sitting with it for up to an hour so at work I have one for when I’m at my desk and at home for when I’m on my couch. I definitely think they help. The ones I got were under $50 on the ‘zon.

    4. It’s sunny but cold in the Bay Area, after two solid weeks of rain. I didn’t get out of my pajamas yesterday. We’re calling it self-care.

    5. I was coping fine until the end of last week when I got hit by a horrendous cold which gave me terrible Weltschmerz. It turns out that going out drinking every night and then staying up til 3am watching your country fall apart isn’t good for your health… Up until then it was the running and the gym classes and the twinkly lights that were helping.

    6. Skiing (or add in your preferred winter hobby here). I freaking love winter and it’s because of skiing.

       1. I think you’re onto something. Unfortunately, the nearest slopes are 10-11 hours away. I really think I’d have an easier time if it was consistently snowy and bright. I’d take up snowshoeing or something. As it is, we have this awful freeze/thaw cycle, wind chills that are much worse than the actual air temperature, and it can be brown and gray for days on end. I hear you, though, a winter hobby would make all of this more tolerable.

    7. I go to Mexico. A very first world solution I know, but I plan a beach vacation every winter.

       1. I plan a vacation in Feb. to somewhere warm.

18. I’m the anon who posted a couple of weeks ago about being excited about a first date for the first time since my divorce. I really appreciated all of the supportive comments. I just wanted to give an update that it went really well. We’ve gone out several times since. Certainly still new, but Its really nice to know it’s possible to feel this excited again.

    1. YAY!!!

       That’s such great news. :)

       1. Great news! I read Date Lab in the post and from that it seems like first dates never ever turn out so well. Glad to hear they sometimes do.

    2. Thanks for the update! Happy for you :)

    3. YAY!! Hooray! Thanks so much for the update!

    4. Yay!

19. Has anyone done the dinosaur museum in Drumheller? We are going to be in Banff/Jasper next summer and are considering adding on a day at the beginning of our trip to go to Drumheller.

    1. We did the trip last summer and I would ABSOLUTELY recommend Drumheller, but not for the Dinosaur museum unless you are super into dinosaurs (it is a LOT of fossils…). Instead, I highly recommend the road running to the north and south which loops round some amazing and beautiful canyons (kinda like – smaller versions of the grand canyon?) which you can easily hike down into plus some other super cool natural features. I’ll try and find the link to the map we followed! It was probably one of the highlights of our Rockies trip.

       It was a pretty long drive from there to the Rockies and the accommodation/dining options were pretty underwhelming in Drum, so that is also something to bear in mind.

       1. This is the route we followed – both the Dinosaur Trail and the Hoodoo Trail
          https://traveldrumheller.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/Drumheller-MAP-REV.pdf

       2. Also Horseshoe Canyon which is on the map but not part of the route was really impressive and another highlight

    2. The Tyrrell is a STUNNING museum. One of my favourites (I’ve been to a lot of museums!). From a fossil perspective it’s probably one of the best in the world, I’d argue better than the British Museum or the Smithsonian. Highly recommend.

       That said it’s at least a 6 hour drive from Jasper. Are you starting in Calgary? It’s a pretty reasonable 1.5/2 hr drive from Calgary (depending on where you’re starting in the city) and you can totally do a day trip of the museum and a nice drive around the badlands, but it’s a long day.

       1. OP– Yes, we are flying in and out of Calgary. We would do this probably right when we fly into Calgary and then would drive to Canmore/Banff from Calgary the next day. We would not be doing this as a day trip from Banff/Jasper.

          1. I’m from Calgary and a ski bum in a past life, so if you want to post a burner email I’m happy to chat at greater length about your trip! There’s lots to see/do.

    3. I loved it, but I am kind of a nerd and still think dinosaurs are super cool. It’s a very well done museum and the surrounding landscape is very cool. The museum offers little workshop/mini hike things throughout the day in peak season. I did one and really enjoyed it. The whole experience is great for kids if you have any in your group.
       Fyi, If you’re going to be outside in Drumheller in the summer for any length of time bring a hat and a water bottle. It can be scorching some days. Also, the museum gets very busy on the weekends during summer vacation, so just be aware of that.

       Also also, there is nowhere good to eat in Drumheller. Or at least there wasn’t the last time I was there a few years ago.

20. How much of dating and relationship success has to do with the kind of person you are, and how much of it is luck?

    I ask because I have noticed some friends go from relationship to relationship (or marriage to marriage!) with almost no single time in between, and other friends are single for years. There are certain friends that I just know if they lost their husbands or their husbands left them they would immediately find someone else. What is it about them? How do they do it? I can’t figure it out.

    1. Are you suggesting this is a positive thing? I sure don’t think it is! I know girls and women who always always have a boyfriend and I see them as needy and afraid to be alone with themselves.

       1. +1. “Immediately finding someone else” is not necessarily a win, as you see with some resulting relationships.

          I also think that in adulthood, it can relate to lack of financial stability and benefits. I see some people in a pattern of depending on a partner for basic needs, committing to this partner earlier and longer than they would otherwise, never really establishing their own earnings capability, and then needing a new partner/supporter ASAP in the case of a breakup. Or else moving back in with their parents.

    2. I see this in my friend group. How much of a “catch” (in the stereotyped traditional sense) someone is seems to have no correlation to their “success” in the dating market. My personal opinion is that this has to do with:

       1) Some people setting insane/unrealistic criteria when scanning through people on apps. E.g.: A 33 year old male friend working in big law and looking to settle down and have babies ASAP sets his tinder age range to 25 and under and only swipes yes on very hot blondes. And then he is SHOCKED that the matches he gets aren’t at the same stage of life as him and their conversations are superficial………….

       2) Statistically, finding someone to date takes a lot of work and some people are willing/able to put more work in. If someone is doing a first date each week versus another person doing 3 first dates a week, well, the odds are in the second persons favour.

       3) I think some people are just better at being in relationships and putting up with the BS that another person brings with them.

       1. I think #3 is a lot of it.

          People forget that you are not going to find someone who is 100% perfect in every way. You are dating another human, they will have foibles. Like my DH is not a man-child – he’s a fully functioning adult in terms of household chores etc. but he is not a stylish guy. Would be great if he was a little more hip? Sure but I’m also not perfect.

       2. Ding ding ding on your #3. I’m the twice married friend in a friend group of long term single friends. They would say this about themselves, and I try not to bring up my minor frustrations with my husband because there would definitely be a chorus of “dump him” from my friends. My closest single friend usually just says, “I don’t know how you can put up with all that.”

          I feel like being in a relationship is a habit I formed early, just like being single is my friends’ long term habit. We have all talked about this so it’s not me talking about them behind their backs, BTW.

          1. Agree. So many single girlfriends are looking for a man to fit into their existing life. They are not looking to change their life at all and they are not opened to the fact that they might like someone even if they don’t have an amazing chemistry moment initially or if their clothes are too dorky or their hair too long or whatever. There’s nothing wrong with that but it’s a choice.

       3. I agree. I know I can always be in a relationship, but have decided long ago that having a guy who is just interested in having s-x with me is NOT worth having that schlub around 24/7 just to validate me. I am my own person, with my own want’s and need’s and whether I have a person with a peni$ around me 24/7 does NOT define me as a person either, particularly as men just want to use that appendage as a tool for their OWN satisfaction, not to impregnate me. If it were the latter, then I would respect men’s needs more, but they specifically disdain me for wanting to have a baby, and they shy away from entering me for fear that I will just want their semen to make a baby. I don’t have to much time, so that is why I am focused on reproducing, but I also want a man in my life to support us in the lifestyle to which I expect, as I do NOT want to take a step down just so that I can be a mom. FOOEY!

    3. I wish I knew.
       Signed, the forever single friend

    4. I don’t think this is something worth pondering too hard about, unless your question is related to how do they find relationships quickly, which there can be some strategies to. I think this is all just super personal to each person. From my anecdotal experience, I’ve noticed reasons running the gamut from afraid to be alone, very successful in picking potentially compatible partners (as in know what they want and how to find it), people that just date so much by chance they find a compatible partner, people that date within their social circles so finding compatible partners is very easy, people that are simply compatible with a wide gamut of other people due to being easy going/fewer demands on their partner/attracted to a wide variety of physical and personality types.

       Tbh who and how often your friends date isn’t really your business.

       1. Yes to all of the reasons you mentioned above. I am someone who has tended to find relationships quickly and easily over the course of my life and I would guess it is a combination of personality (extroverted, high-energy, open, friendly, easygoing, connects easily with others), wide social circle, pretty good at assessing potential compatibility, and being willing to cut things off with someone who I don’t think is right for me. And of course there is always some element of luck. My friends who have had a harder time over the years have tended to be more introverted, take longer to warm up to new people, less easygoing, and take a long time to figure out if someone is going to be a good fit for them.

          Dating is definitely easier for some personality types than others. If it’s harder for you, please do cut yourself some slack in recognition that putting yourself out there and connecting with people is more difficult and that is okay.

    5. I truly don’t know. I was always the kind of person who went from relationship to relationship. This time, I’m dating different people and enjoying that.

    6. Most people I know who go from relationship to relationship are people for whom being in a relationship is so important that they are willing to overlook all manner of problems and incompatibilities in order to avoid being single.

       This is not a thing to aspire to.

       1. This too. Reminds me of the woman from Dirty John, who had been married 4 times before meeting him.

       2. Agreed.

       3. Disagree. It’s a choice. It’s not a better choice to be in a relationship or be single. It’s just a choice that people make. They may be fine overlooking incompatibilities that are too bothersome for you. That doesn’t need to be met with derision. It’s not a commentary on your choice to remain single. They may be with someone but choosing be single instead of deciding that the fact that the guy think it’s fine to change sheets every three weeks. Or who insists on running the dishwasher every night even if it isn’t full. It’s a decision on do you want to be alone or do you want to be with someone who isn’t perfect. Neither is better or worse, it’s just a choice.

          1. I read 12:30’s comment as being about serious problems, not the dishwasher.

             For example, advice columns frequently publish letters saying “So-and-so is dating/married to a s3x offender, and I don’t want my kids around him. She’s super defensive about it and refuses to discuss it.” This is what came to mind on the topic of people (usually women, in these cases) who are unwilling to be single and willing to overlook basically anything.

             1. It seems a bit obtuse to bring dating sex offenders into this. Like clearly there are huge redlines that one shouldn’t cross but there’s a constant stream of posts here about debating whether or not to go out with a guy again because he had an awful haircut or planned a boring date or is too involved with his family or whatever. The dishwasher is a placeholder for those. Things that are a choice to either tolerate or break up with someone over. Some people chose to tolerate, some chose to be single, neither is ‘right’. It’s just a choice.

          2. Do you really think that the phrase “all manner of incompatibilities” should be narrowly interpreted to mean things like “changing the sheets less often than I would like”?

             Because from what I’ve observed, it means things like “alcoholism,” “rampant misogyny,” “terrible conflict resolution skills,” “has incompatible goals for the future,” “we fight constantly,” and “doesn’t care about me like I care for him, or want to be as committed to me as I am to him.”

             1. Right. Obviously these issues are more common (and less objective) than being a s3x offender. This is a better statement of the issue. I would also add “unemployed/no income,” “expects me to basically raise his kids for him,” “unwilling to be monogamous,” “is consistently rude to my friends and family” etc.

                It is not my observation that single women are overly “picky” and break up with men over minor housekeeping preferences.

             2. I don’t get why “all manner of problems and incompatibilities” is being interpreted to mean ‘super serious things that one shouldn’t over look’ instead of the more logical read of ‘a wide variety of issues’.

                Disagree with Monday’s assertion that single women don’t break up over minor preferences. I’ve heard some seriously eye rolling reasons for not trying to make it work. He doesn’t ski? Ask him if he wants to learn, don’t act like he’s not worth it because he’s going to cramp your style on the yearly family ski trip. He didn’t go to a top tier school and he’s in a small mid-law firm? The people that don’t want to be single get over those things. I don’t have a dog because DH is allergic to dogs. I never could have imagined that I’d not have a dog but that’s a choice.

             3. Well you didn’t originally interpret it as “a wide variety of issues,” now did you? No, you decided to focus on minor housekeeping things, in your bizarre effort to deny that some people (men and women) overlook significant issues to be in relationships. That’s why I listed more serious examples. Of course sometimes people break up over minor things. And don’t forget, everything in my list can happen on a spectrum, too (eg- “women shouldn’t work outside the home at all” v. “well women are just better at spotting clutter and cleaning house”). But it clearly pleases you, a married person, to believe that single women are mercurial and overly picky, so fine– keep misinterpreting as much as you need to maintain that belief. Some how I doubt your single friends are giving you the full story.

             4. @anon 5:23 – imagine a gem like you being single – so shocking!

    7. Before age 25: being flirty and hot.

       After age 25: meeting a LOT of people through various activities, being friendly and open to talking with new people, and being somewhat interesting and easy to talk to.

    8. Along with all the things already mentioned, I know a number of people who are always in a relationship because they won’t leave their current partner until they have the next one lined up. So, for example, one of my friends is looking for her next boyfriend before dumping her current one because she never wants to be alone. Not something I aspire to.

       1. Also true!

       2. Yup. I know quite a few people like this.

       3. My bf calls that “Tarzan Syndrome” (grab the next vine before you let go of the current one).

    9. I can tell you what the difference has been my circles. The forever singles have already filled the parts of their lives that would be filled by a signficant other with other people/things/organizations so as time goes on it gets harder to fit in a SO in to their lives.

       I had 5 LTR/marriages that broke up in my circles. Basically, in a couple different friend groups, if you didn’t marry your college SO, you had a spectular ending of a LTR in spring/summer 2018. So even though these couples had some one or some combination of living together, buying property together, moving across the country for their other hald, had been together for 8-10 years, the relationship ended. All for difference reasons and all a big shock to everyone else.

       And every single one of these women, by now, December of 2019, is in a new relationship headed towards marriage. My forever single girlfriends continue to be shocked that this happened – why did the newly single women find someone within months when they have been dating for years without a long term relationship? As one of these women who had a breakup in 2018 and then met my now boyfriend after dating a lot in the months that followed my breakup, I am not at all shocked.

       I was already used to having a romantic partner in my life so I had all the spaces in my life open up for a new one after the break up. It was not difficult when I found someone for him to slot in to my life. I was used a SO being the person I planned big international truips with, spent holidays at one of our families of origin, schedule dinner dates around my work, attending the other person’s work parties, scheduling shared hobbies together, scheduling around separate hobbies, making room in my schedule for attending my SO’s friend group’s events (the big game, annual beach trip, baby shower, housewarming, whatever).

       My forever single girlfriends have been dating or single for a long time and have filled up their lives with meaningful things without a SO and without having to prioritize his schedule/family of origin/hobbies/friend group, etc. My one girlfriend has a full calendar of friend events, professional org responsibilties/events, family of origin trips, girlfriends trips (college friend group/high school girlfriends/the city she lived right after college group), etc. When she goes on dates, she is fitting a guy aruond all these things, she would never prioritize a him over these established friends/family/responsibilities. She dated someone promising once and I asked her what if he invited her to his family’s for holidays or wanted to spend NYE with her? She said “oh I could never do that, I’ve known this guy like 2 months, he could be a total dud and ghost next week, I spend every christmas with my family and my law school girlfriends always plan a big trip to central/south america for new years week.”

       I am not saying this is the reason why someone is single, but I am saying it is a marked difference in the women in my life who have ended relationships and found someone new) and that someone new is a serious relationship, not a short term thing), and my single girlfriends who sometimes have short term things but do not seem to find long term significant others.

       1. Interesting. Sort of agree. I spent Easter with DH and his family about 6 weeks after we met. It was a little nervewracking to meet the extended family but it was a distict choice to try and move the relationship forward.

       2. And to be clear, I am not criticizing my friend’s choice or saying she would meet a romantic partner if she would just prioritize the schedules of her dates more. She is right – he could ghost, it could be nothing and she would have missed out on her annual family Christmas at home or girls trip to Cuba.

          My point is more about the “spaces” that are all already open and ready for a romantic partner when you get out of a long term relationship vs. someone who has been single for a long time has filled those spaces already.

          1. So what’s the alternative for long-single women– reduce the other stuff in their lives to make a man-shaped space? Single women are constantly told that they need to full their lives to the brim with fulfilling activities and connections so that they’re not desperate/lonely/wanting a relationship…. but then they’re in this predicament. Honestly I feel like it’s a motivation thing more than a scheduling/priorities thing– if you’re recently single and you’re staring down the barrel of holidays alone and have lots of openings in your schedule, you’re more motivated to find a guy to fill that space.

             1. This is definitely true, re the advice to single women. It’s all about being busy and having a fulfulling life so you’re not “desperate” and giving off the wrong vibe.

             2. Include the guy. Invite him to events, or the family of origin trip or whatever. Or arrive late or leave early for one of your events so that you can make it to one of his events too instead of just saying no because you already have plans that evening.

             3. Okay. So you think that small scheduling tweaks are somehow going to make up for the significant gaps in a person’s life that a relationship takes up like Triangle Pose described? I’m sure that a woman with a packed social/professional schedule never thought of leaving an event early so that she can fit in a date. Most people don’t want to invite a person they’ve known for 2 months home for the holidays. Ugh. Just stop.

             4. If you’re in your thirties and not bringing the person you’ve been with for 2 months home for the holidays then that’s why you’re chronically single. Relationships take work and you have to involve people in your life.

       3. “My one girlfriend has a full calendar of friend events, professional org responsibilties/events, family of origin trips, girlfriends trips (college friend group/high school girlfriends/the city she lived right after college group), etc. When she goes on dates, she is fitting a guy aruond all these things, she would never prioritize a him over these established friends/family/responsibilities.”

          I was your friend but dated a lot and got married. Your last clause is the problem: she would never put a relationship, even marriage material relationship, over those things. Men who want commitment aren’t going to want to compete with someone’s family of origin trips; they will want to be included in them. Men who want commitment aren’t looking for a woman who will drop everything, but want someone who will make time around their responsibilities to their professional groups.

          I’m of the firm belief that my marriage is the most important thing in my life – and I do some pretty high-level stuff in my professional life. My husband loves all the things I do in and out of work, and doesn’t ask me to make sacrifices; I don’t ask him to make sacrifices in our marriage for it.

    10. You also need to consider that sometimes people are single for years because they want to be. Or even if they say they don’t, they’re not willing (for whatever reason) to put in the effort to find and maintain a relationship. Right now, this is me. I am conventionally attractive, smart, outgoing, a great conversationalist, social, flirty, all the typical superficial things you’d think mean easy access to relationships. I was in a relationship of some kind pretty consistently from age 15-25. Longest gap was about a year. Now I’ve been single for the last 3+ years, because I’ve been doing some work on myself, focused on the job, and quite frankly not willing to do the emotional work to be in a relationship, even though I “want” one. Contrast with one of my good friends who is every bit as superficially “desirable” as me, who has been married twice, and panics every time she doesn’t have a date on the horizon because she’s afraid to be alone. She’ll date men who look good on paper but are clearly not right for her and will put up with stuff I never would. She’s never single. I’m not sure what you mean when you say, “what kind of person you are,” which is very broad, but you also need to consider a person’s approach to relationships.

21. What are the questions you asked (or wished you had asked) before you decide to get married to someone?

    I’ve been dating someone I really like for awhile, which is a first for me (usually break up within two months for whatever reason), and the type A in me now wants to deal eith the uncertainty and all the insecurities with a list.

    1. I absolutely understand and sympathize with this. I’d like a signed agreement on how to handle in-laws, parenting etc but that isn’t realistic. What I’d focus on in compatibility in values and how you approach problems, conflict, issues.

       1. Single, and not Jewish, but I always imagined a secular Ketubah (or a kind of prenup) with all of these details worked in: inlaws, kids, therapy, and a whole bunch of thought about how to resolve potential conflict and shared vision. Maybe it could be a kind of vision board for the relationship.

          On the before deciding to marry, figure out what your values are and if they’re compatible with the other persons: monogamy, finances, children, religion, lifestyle even.

       2. This. There’s no way to come up with all the challenges/disagreements you are going to face. We did pre-marital counseling though, and one thing that was helpful for us was to (individually) come up with our ideal 30-year out scenario–where do we live? in what kind of house? what did we do (as hobbies, careers)? what did our family look like? what does a day-in-the-life look like? I think that gets you to what are your values and lets you talk about some of the big stuff in a non-adversarial way.

    2. John Gottman has an “eight dates” book, with conversations around major topics (sex, work, money, commitment, etc.). It’s not clear whether you’re relationship is at the point of having “big” conversations, but something to consider if/when it is.

    3. NYT had an article a few years ago called “13 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married.” Take a peek and see if those questions feel too soon to ask. If so, maybe ask yourself those questions and just keep putting one foot in front of the other enjoying where you are at in the relationship.

22. My 1x weekly housekeeper gave my kids Christmas presents last week. I was planning to give her a present of a weeks pay plus something small (chocolates maybe), but now feel the gift part should be more. She is warm and wonderful and generally spends time playing with my kids when she’s here (and helping me with them too) so I’m happy to get her a more substantial gift but stumped on what. She has 3 kids, ages 4, 12 and 16. Any ideas?

    1. what about gifts for the kids, from your kids? Could also be a local attraction family pass.

    2. What about the week’s pay plus a membership to something like the local zoo or museum or a set of movie tickets that would be for her whole family? That way you don’t have to get individual gifts for the kids (who I assume you don’t know), but the add-on somewhat mirrors her gifts to your kids.

23. I’m applying for a new job and through a connection, I sent my resume directly to a partner in the group. HR then reached out to me to get dates I was available for an interview. It’s been a while and HR hasn’t been back in touch about the interview. How long would you give it before falling up with HR?

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