Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Dani Blouse

501 Comments

1. Love this blouse!

   Gift help pretty please – my mom, who teaches high school, wants something to corral her notes to self and to-do lists. She’s tired of having a collage of sticky notes all over her desk. She mentioned the notepad tablets like the Kindle Scribe that you can get now in conjunction with this, but was thinking any electronic way to contain the chaos would work. Does anyone have experience with the notepad tablets? Are there other possible things you’d consider in this situation?

   1. I just saw a desktop whiteboard advertised. If the reason for the sticky notes (as opposed to electronic notes) is she likes having to see at a glance the little reminders etc, I’m not sure an electronic notes solution is going to work. Like -if electronic notes worked for her, couldn’t she try a solution on her phone before adding another device?

      1. As we get older (ahem), it gets harder and harder to use tiny screens so I understand why a larger tablet would be desirable.

   2. This is how I corral my to-do list; perhaps something similar would work. I have 2 magnetic glass white boards velcroed to the wall next to my desk. One with a divider down the middle would also work. Anyway–I keep a stack of small cards (I cut 3×5 index cards into fourths, but you can get nicer cards pre-cut) and jot a note describing each new to-do item. One client gets a certain color; everyone else gets white. If a task is in my court, its card is on the left board; when I move it into someone else’s court, I move the card to the right board; when the client responds, it bounces back to my side. I can always tell, at a glance, what is in my court, and prioritize my work accordingly. Everything else I tried required too much syncing and such. If I am working from home, I take a picture of my left board to remind me what I need to do at home.

      1. Ah, like a Kanban board system! That sounds really smart.
         I have a big piece of paper (like those sheets you use in workshops) with my major projects for the term, and mark them off when complete.

         1. I had no idea there was a name for this!

   3. Not a tech solution but I wonder if some sort of old fashioned blotter pad. It would corral things and you can get ones that have calendars, to do lists etc.
      Otherwise, a tablet would work, but I wonder if in a HS classroom, you’d have to worry about it wandering off?

   4. Another avenue to consider would be a convenient way to digitize her paper notes. I have heard good things about Evernote, with its scan feature, but I don’t use it myself.

      1. I use Evernote and really like it since you can group your notes into notebooks. That might be an appealing feature. It synchs between desktop, phone, tablet. That lets me build a grocery list or travel document on my laptop and then reference it on my phone later. I’ve copied images into Evernote, but not used the scanning feature.

         1. This does sound helpful! Maybe a year of Evernote would be a good gift. Davis, do you have any tips or good resources for learning to use it? My mom is reasonably tech-savvy but has to be reassured of this to get anywhere.

            1. I’ve only been using the free version so I don’t know what kind of tips would be good for the paid version. There are lots of templates (e.g. calendars, meeting resources) so maybe there are tutorials on those. I’m more of a checklists kind of person.

   5. Look at The Bullet Journal. It’s a method and place to corral to do lists, gift ideas, etc.

      1. Seconded- I’ve tried electronic notebooks but tablets run out of charge then the stickynotes come back out. One notebook to rule them all is the only way I function.

   6. Rocket journal maybe?

   7. I really like my Remarkable – which is basically a notepad tablet – it’s super easy and intuitive to use, and I like the app so I can pull up notes on my phone. You can also export into word or email yourself. Based on the million emails I’ve gotten from them this weekend, there’s some sort of sale, too!

2. Anyone buy anything on sale this weekend? I wasn’t going to get anything, then decided to get the Athleta Brooklyn pants in black (20% off!) and a new winter coat from Eddie Bauer (50% off!) since all my old coats are tight this year, ugh.

   1. I successfully resisted the siren song of “this wasn’t even on my wish list but look at the deal!” – but did luck out that a few items I’d bookmarked were part of big sales. In general I thought the joke I saw circulating – “this year’s Black Friday price = last year’s normal sale price” – was a little too true. Like, JCrew was claiming their moccasin-style slippers were $80 full price and marked to $24.50, whoa, huge sale!! Uh, but last year full price was more like $50 and you could get them for 50% off (or more) fairly easily.

      1. That’s how I feel about Aldi now. A few years ago Aldi had amazing prices, now Aldi is priced like regular groceries were a year or two ago.

         1. … so Aldi still has amazing prices? Because your other grocery store prices from last year are now much higher…

            1. Yes, obviously comparatively they have good prices but Aldi is no longer cheap.

               Seeing as many of us have not had raises at all, or have had a small 2-3% COLA, Aldi is now a stretch on my budget and other stores are out of the question

   2. I was happy to get some kids toys on sale (target is buy one get one 50% off with Nerf and lots of markdowns on those and other thigs). Apple having 20% off discounts is also pretty uncommon so likely snapping up some airpods for older cousins. Beyond that I bought some needed kids clothes and underwear but not much else, I largely stocked up on boots/winter coats during the pandemic when prices were shockingly low.

   3. I bought my parents Crocs as they both wanted them for around the house, a duvet cover and pillowcases, and a Home Exchange membership which was on sale.

   4. Loaded up a couple carts (MM Lafleur, J Crew) then looked at my bank account and abandoned them.
      Various unexpected expenses plus inflation has me trying to only buy what I need right now.

   5. I tried some Bombas socks a few weeks ago when I was staying with a friend and fell in love. Who knew you could love socks? So with the sales I figured this was the perfect time time to order some for me and as gifts. They really do live up to the hype.

   6. I am hoping that I effectively bought a new wardrobe that allows.me to throw away 3 pieces for every one that I bought but we shall see when it all gets here.

   7. 2 of JCrew’s oversized cashmere wraps (one to keep at home, one for the office) and some silk long underwear from Land’s End, because I’m tired of being cold. (and on the non-clothes front, some raised garden beds so I can redo my garden and hopefully keep the chipmunks and voles from eating everything)

   8. After the realization that my suits were all 7+ years old, I bought a new suit from Ann Taylor along with some dress pants and another blazer (to wear over currently owned dresses).

      Also bought a 15 pack of barre classes which is my gift to myself.

      1. I bought my daughter a few suits to try from Ann Taylor. She very petite and insists she needs some suits for college clubs but otherwise lives in hoodies and sweatpants. The deals at Ann Taylor seemed to be the way to go. Can’t wait for her to try them on!

   9. I got the ridiculously expensive Prima Donna bra I love that went on a rare sale at Bare Necessities.

      1. I love my two Prima Donna bras! And you’re right, they never go on sale. Well done, you.

   10. I stocked up on things that are getting worn out and I use all the time (lounge pants, running sneakers, running shorts, running leggings). Next stop: makeup.

       Unless I give up the hobby I love (and am actually reasonably good at), those things need to be bought. It’s buy them cheap or buy at full price.

       1. (Did not mean to imply I need makeup for running… but it falls under the “I use it and will buy it eventually” rubric.)

          1. I read this as your hobby is lounging and you are good at it. I mean, you did have lounge pants on the list.

   11. One shirt, one sweater vest (I’m trying out the look), a pair of mittens and a gift for my MIL. Honestly, babies and covid kept me home for black Friday for a few years and it was really fun and nice to just go out and indulge myself.

   12. I got a 5′ mini tree from Balsam Hill for our second floor landing and a few more ornaments as a splurge. I’ve been uninspired about the holidays this year and hope a few new decorations will help.

   13. I bought a new rice cooker from HSN (sale plus $20 off coupon since I’d never shopped there), my first pair of Rothy’s (the flat – may not be the most stylish but my toes are happier in rounded shoes), and a year’s worth of Peacock streaming service for 99 cents a month.

   14. Lots, but all stuff I had been waiting and monitoring. New shoes from Clark’s (40% off), Dazzle Dry thanks to you lovely ladies (25% off), some furniture I desperately need, and preplanned gifts. My approach is to make a list of the places I will buy from if there isn’t a sale this week, they search several times during the weekend.

   15. I did take a stock of all cosmetics and clothes and bags I have the week before Black Friday and realized I have everything I need. I only bought one linen dress from my favorite Lithuanian online store – a copy of a dress I already own but in a different color. That dress was my staple this summer, which was hot & humid. And I scored a 25% discount and free shipping.

       1. What is the dress?? I was looking for good linen this summer but didn’t end up liking anything I tried

          1. The store is called LINENIDstudio [via Etsy], dress called Magnum Kaftan dress with belt. It’s long, lightweight, softest linen fabric, works well with my hourglass body type.

   16. I shopped more online sales than I expected. Got some shirts 20% off full price from Boden. Rishi Tea had (has?) a great 25% off sale. And the one I totally stumbled on was Chewy having a $30 off $100 deal, so I stocked up on cat food!

   17. I bought some gifts but so far nothing for me!!!

   18. After years of wanting one, I bought an All-Saints moto jacket on Thanksgiving. 30% off + 10% Rakuten. Bought in on the All-Saints website to get that extra 10% off.

       And then I got an email yesterday saying it is out of stock. Ugh. I went and looked online at All-Saints and they show it still in stock! Really irritating. Didn’t know they don’t keep their website up to date. Slimey. Otherwise I would have bought it from Nordstroms, and now the one I want is out of stock there too.

       Oh well.

   19. My husband likes Olukai slippers and they were 50% off. He got a pair for his brother too for Christmas.

   20. I bought a pair of jeans I already know a like and my wife picked up some new tops to replace some worn-out ones.

   21. I recently started working a job in which I have to dress a step between business formal and business casual and have been on the hunt for nice looking clothes that are comfortable but don’t scream “casual”. A favorite this fall has been the Athleta Brooklyn ankle pants with an Ann Taylor or J Crew blazer on top, but I also love wearing skirts and my pencil skirts from 10 years ago are finally seeing a lot of wear again. I picked up another pair of the Brooklyns in black to supplement my navy pair and am trying out the new Endless pant in a lovely dusty mauve color. The AT sale was too good to pass up and I ordered a velvet midi skirt and mockneck sweater that I can mix and match well into my existing wardrobe for the fall/winter. This morning I rounded out my weekend of self-indulgence by ordering some bras from Pepper. Haven’t tried the brand yet but half of my old bras that are going on 5 years old now and need to be put out of their misery.

       Should I be spending money? No, but I am telling myself that I will get a lot of wear out of the things I purchased and should be good for a while now. I’m not going to allow myself to buy clothes in December and am taking this opportunity to finally list on Poshmark some of the things that have been languishing in my to-sell pile.

   22. Hubby and I got new laptops and big monitors and keyboards to go with them. Can’t believe how the technology has progressed since the last time we bought computers! In anticipation of his retirement in January and mine in September, we rearranged the former Man Cave into a joint office with two small desks back-to-back and it turned out really great.

       1. I love this!!

   23. I bought myself and my bf some skincare products as well as workout clothes from Under Armour and household items from Macys (duvet cover and blanket). I also bought my mom a gift for the holidays. I always splurge on sale items around this time.

   24. For myself I bought shoes I’ve wanted for months (30% off), and refilled my (pricey) winter moisturizer (20% off). Otherwise I bought gifts: electronics gifts for my siblings on major sale (50% off) and a robe for mom (30% off).

   25. I bought She Fit sports bras and leggings. I needed them anyway.

   26. I bought quite a bit from Talbots on Friday morning. I’ve had a gift card since April and spent that and quite a bit on top of the gift card amount. This morning, I bought a new pair of tennis shoes.

       My big purchase (with DH) was a new TV. Our old one is 11 years old, and it’s had a line down the screen for several months, since our 7 year old accidentally hit the screen with a broom handle. The new TV is supposed to arrive mid-December and is the big Christmas gift to the family.

   27. I wasn’t going to buy anything because my budget is tight and I’m not a big shopper in general, but I ended up ordering several $25 J Crew factory sweaters. I know they’ll be workhorses in my wardrobe and that’s a good price.

3. Anyone else get overserved and make a fool of themselves in front of grandma and the kids this weekend? And then get sick, so it added salt to the wound? Just me? Truly embarrassed and need to work on the redemption tour for when I see them again for Christmas, and the others not until next Thanksgiving. Maybe they will forget by then?
   Can’t’ get it out of my head how stupid I was.

   1. I’ve been there! Lots of trial and error for me but I find alcohol works with a three drink maximum and absolutely never more.

      1. 3 shoudl definitely be the limit and more water and mingling in between. eeesh, so embarassing.

      2. Once I had three drinks in me, there was no stopping.

         1. Yes it’s a very individual thing! For me I can and do stop at three. But when I would have a 4th it was all over. So I’ve made three a hard stop.

   2. What is over-served? Alcohol? Food? Desserts?

      Sounds like alcohol, as you got sick?

      How does one get over-served?

      Me thinks you may have an alcohol problem, as we are all in charge of what goes into our mouths.

      But, holidays are stressful, you got carried away, forgive yourself, you are human, and maybe send grandma an email or note. Don;t beat yourself up, but think about why and how this happened…

      1. Overserved is a euphemism for drunk

      2. Overserved refers to alcohol and your comment is weird.

      3. I don’t know that this is super helpful. I don’t drink very much regularly and the aging process has also taken its toll so I have been surprised before by a different response to booze than I expected. (Especially with weird holiday drinks we might not be used to). I think we all recognize that ‘overserved’ is a euphemism for our own behavior and unless it’s a regular thing I would just chalk it up to a mistake you’ll look back on and laugh at.

      4. i definitely am in charge of my body and i think the stress of holidays and the atmosphere made me drink too much. not an excuse and will watch it over xmas.

         1. Maybe quit pointing to external factors then? It’s ok to say I drank too much.

            1. Why are you like this?

         2. Give yourself a break. Your kids likely didn’t realize what was going on. Your grandmother has seen EVERYTHING in her life, including drunk family members. It’s OK. Everyone there knows you’re not a drunk.

            1. i actually think being drunk in front of grandparents is hilarious, as long as nothing offensive was said, but then again my family is fun and chill and I recognize not all families are like that.

      5. This board is something else. Why is it every time there’s a question about alcohol, the first response is, you’re an alcoholic/problem drinker? And you truly don’t know how someone gets overserved? You’ve never been at a dinner where the waiter, or in this case grandma, repeatedly refills your glass when you’re not looking? It’s VERY hard to keep track of how much you’re drinking when your glass gets refilled every time it hits the halfway mark! OP, if grandma has such a heavy hand then I’m sure you’re not the only one who inadvertently overindulged.

         1. I’m on Team “Forgive Yourself” but I think the board’s general reaction is because a lot of people are alcoholics or problem drinkers.

            1. +1

      6. It’s easy for this to happen if people are passing bottles of wine around the table and you’re constantly topping up- hard to monitor how much you’ve had. Not an alcohol problem just bc it happened!!

         I’d say nothing and just be on best behavior next event.

         1. exactly what happened, the topping off!

         2. Ohh the topping-off did me in at one very rowdy brunch right after college.
            OP, as my wife says, somebody’s gotta be the drunkest. It doesn’t sound like this is a common occurrence for you, so cut yourself some slack.

            1. I am cackling at that phrase. definitely stealing it because it’s true! Someone has to be the drunkest.

         3. OMG this happened to me about 10 years ago (first Christmas after my divorce, whole family was together for the first time in a long time, my son was in Japan with the Marines, so kind of a perfect storm emotionally) when my older brother kept topping off my glass. I got blackout drunk and was MORTIFIED. Honestly it took me years to get over the shame. Don’t be like me — realize that we’re all human and sometimes these things happen, and let it go.

         4. So I don’t know what happened that is so embarrassing, but I sometimes have the impression that some of us here place a very high importance on being in control.

            I have a sister like this and honestly when my family remembers the one time she had too many, we don’t remember any specific things that happened but have a general impression that she seemed so happy and like she was having a ton of fun. Obviously we know she didn’t intend to be having that much fun, but it’s still more of a silly, good times memory (maybe she would be mortified that we remember it this way too; I don’t know!).

      7. I did not take her use of a common euphemism to mean that she does not take responsibility for herself.

         I once went to a weekend away with friends and found myself throwing up after about four or five drinks, served over about six hours. (I am not a small person – 5’9 and about 150 pounds.) They were understanding.

      8. Now THIS is the rigidity and self-righteousness combined with lack of social experience I come here for.

         1. LOL. Love this. :)

   3. Not this year, though I did have two glasses on an empty stomach after skipping breakfast to cook and had to shove some dinner rolls in my mouth.
      This did happen to me at a family event many years ago and I still occasionally wake up in the middle of the night thinking about what an idiot I was.

   4. Been there, done that with black out time I. There as well for extra awful. I have a 2 drink rule when holidays and family are all together now.
      I did the apology tour by getting some therapy for the very old and very family related issue and then apologizing very specifically to the person I hurt that night. That was of course after all the general apologies I made to everyone (yay Catholic level guilt wrapped up in my formerly Christian self).
      My therapist let me in on a known secret that people just don’t talk about or accept enough- holidays are stressful. Family dynamics can be exacerbated during the holiday season and people use whatever coping mechanisms that they have to deal (for better or worse).
      Right now this incident may seem like THE WORST thing, but that will fade over time. Let your verbal apology to those who you think need to hear it be brief, sincere not repeated, and then let your apology be to change your behavior for next time. You’re going to be ok. You are still worthy of being loved. Nobody is perfect no matter how hard they try. Think of this as an opportunity to work on getting to the bottom of what’s going on with you. I hope you work your way through this and end up better than ever!

      1. thanks. soulsearching is happening.

   5. One time, long ago, my husband drank too much at a family wedding. My dad drove us home and had to pull over so husband could throw up on the side of the road.

      “I had to drink enough to deal with dancing with your mom” was his excuse, and my (divorced) dad agreed.

      1. that’s funny.

      2. Americans are something else. I would throw hands if someone talked like that about my mom.

         1. Americans are something else. I would throw hands if someone talked like that about my mom.

         2. How do you even know the person you’re replying to is American? What a bizarre response.

            1. Lol, I’m 100% sure.

               Not all Americans dislike their parents, but culturally it’s the only place I’ve observed people talking smack about their parents (esp moms) like this.

            2. In-law jokes are one of the few that transcend culture. C’mon now.

         3. You should hear my Eastern European FIL talk about his in-law’s!

            1. Ugh, autocorrect.

   6. Part of the issue with alcohol is it induces ‘hangxiety’ – it makes you feel anxious and ruminate over the evening. Drinking has caused the chemicals in your brain to make you feel this way. Please seek help if you find yourself in this situation again relatively soon. Otherwise, cut yourself some slack and be nicer to yourself. This happens from time to time.

      Signed,

      A woman who was overserved on Good Friday 2019 and still cringes.

      1. And I thought I was the only one who experienced the day after shame spiral. Thanks for the new word, makes so much sense.
         Signed, still kicking myself for overindulging on vacation with my parents in 2005

      2. Oh yes, this is me after every company holiday party.

   7. I’ve found out (the hard way) that now that I’m on lexapro, I don’t have anywhere near the same tolerance I used to. I’m a one drink max now, otherwise I act stupidly. Also I find that during my period I get drunker so much faster.
      Anyway, be kind to yourself. Holidays are stressful. This happens, and you’re thinking about it way more than anyone else who was there.

      1. thanks. i know i’m the only one still thinking about it, i need to remind myself that.

4. How high are side tables supposed to be? I have bought some off of Craigslist at different times and they are all of slightly differing heights. I’d love to get a matching set — I need to use them for lamps now and it is maddening as a visual (to me, at least). I could move the rando pieces to other rooms. Maybe some were meant to be bedside tables? I didn’t realize that side tables could be complicated like this but don’t want to spend money for something that still won’t look right (like will be wrong in a different way). I miss my dorm and first studio apartment already — too simple to have these problems.

   1. FWIW, what I was taught is that you want the lamps to be the same height, not the tables. So uneven side tables are perfect if you have mismatched lamps where one is a little taller than the other.

      1. Got it — so with a pair of lamps, if in the same room, they need to be in same-height tables.

         1. Or you can use a big book under the lamp on the shorter table. I’ve done that before to even up the heights of the lamps on mismatched tables.

            1. should have scrolled before commenting – Marketeer already suggested the same thing. :)

   2. Can you style some of the lamps on the shorter tables with books underneath to make up the height difference?

      1. Yes – like add books or something to raise them up? I have mismatched night stands but some adjustable lamps from IKEA that I can make the same height even though the tables aren’t the same height.

      2. I feel like that would be varsity level for me and just be poorly done. Or get dusty. Like people with an eye for that sort of thing wouldn’t be in this boat to begin with.

         1. You just need some pretty coffee table or vintage books. Even modern books work without a dust jacket. Give it a try!

         2. I used books on our nightstands to help our lamps feel more substantial. I went to Goodwill and choose four of the exact same book and made book covers from pretty paper from Paper Source. I still remembered how to make book covers from my high school text book days.

   3. I refer to this measurement guide all the time since I moved in to my new place. It answers your question and then some!
      https://stylebyemilyhenderson.com/blog/living-room-rules-know

5. Super anon for this but I’m due to chaperone a grad school trip with 2 colleagues. A colleague pulled me aside and said “ahead of the trip, just an FYI, we try and avoid X being alone with female students. He’s got a reputation for dating them and can be really flirty etc”. And WTF, we know this? People in charge know this? This is all “past behaviour” and I haven’t witnessed it.

   But I’m not super comfortable babysitting a colleague, particularly as a junior tenure track professor. What if something did happen? Would I somehow be responsible?

   1. No you obviously aren’t responsible. And yes. It’s very hard to fire tenured professors. Which means every school has some who are inappropriate.

   2. Unfortunately this is super common in academia. As an undergrad I was warned about certain men to avoid being alone with including one who is a pop sci household name.

   3. This kind of this kind of thing has been going on forever… the new thing is that there are actually enough senior women around to warn each other about it rather than word just getting around between students. It’s why I hate that Lessons in Chemistry book everyone here loves. It’s not a quaint reminder of the way things happened back in the day that we can laugh at and find inspiring. I still see women treated like that all the time and that book made me sick to read. There are also a disgusting number of romances novels and movies that rely on the professor-student romance trope and I hate them all, as they just enable this type of behavior.

      But to answer your question, of course you’re not responsible, all you can do is report it if something actually illegal or against university policy occurs.

      1. I didn’t like that book either and my scientist mom HATED it.

         1. I almost stopped reading it after the first few chapters, but kept going and I liked it okay (PhD in a biological science here, finished in the late 1990s).

            But I can see how people hated it. The first chapter was really hard to get through.

            1. I think it’s weird that it’s listed among romance novels. There is a love story among the plot lines, but it’s really more the protagonist’s life story.

            2. I don’t think it’s categorized as a romance novel! My library had it shelved as lit fic. The title does make it sound like a romance though.

               It was mostly really boring to me although it picked up in the last third.

   4. Does your university have an ombuds person? Might be a good resource for guidance. I’d be very uncomfortable with that situation for many reasons.

      1. There’s a title IX office- start there.

   5. Your legal responsibility depends on a lot of factors we can’t assess for you. The only advice I can give is to reframe this from “babysitting a colleague” to “being there for female grad students when they need it.”

   6. Is this a common thing — to have chaperones for adults?

      Asking because I routinely have to chaperone kids, and with kids, we have some very stern talks about safety and for us, the buddy system is mandatory (like I will call your parents and have them take offending kids home and they will know exactly why). Safety is important and it is important that kids know what safety looks like and what danger looks like (adult trying to be alone with you, you leaving your buddy, you leaving the group solo). They are also worth protecting and I want them to know that interrupting me for a safety issue is never a problem. I feel like girls need to hear that a lot — they are worth protecting.

      IDK how you tell that to adults, but maybe these adults need to hear it also.

      1. It’s a “broken stair” solution that’s common in academia (why fix the staircase when you can just warn people about the broken stair).

         It’s very different from kids because it’s not just about safety, but about the power of professors to destroy students’ careers or undermine them in degree programs. You can say we’re “worth protecting,” but for a graduate student, the question is “worth how much exactly?” because the stakes are high and the risk of retaliation is significant.

         1. This may be the case, but the real question is whether the OP wants to continue to be a part of the problem or if she is willing to try to fix the broken stair to protect students from a serial predator who could traumatize them or damage their careers. Not a hard choice where I stand. And OP’s own liability here is being completely overlooked. She knows of an impending danger to someone in her care.

         2. It’s also really hard because there are a lot of relationships that are by all appearances consensual, though I would argue that a relationship between a PhD student and her advisor is always (even after graduation) problematic given the huge power differential. I’m in my early 40s and have met a number of women who married their advisors. I interviewed in one department where there were at least three male faculty members who had married female former students my age (all of the men were much older). I was really glad I didn’t get an offer in that department. I’ve never been around one of those relationships when it was starting and have never asked for details on how it started. Everyone seems to think that it’s okay because they ended up getting married, but I think it sets up an extremely awkward dynamic for all the other students in the department at the time and the potential to end badly for the woman involved remains high.

         3. I’m really surprised — are individual professors and individual schools not worried about people capturing this on their phones and making a front page of the Daily Mail stink about things that in fact do stink? And they getting some of that stink on you as a person who knows better but doesn’t do anything? I’m really surprised that as schools are so noisily woke about DEI these days and have so much Title 9 staff, it all seems like total window dressing in the kind sense and an outright lie. To seem, rather than to be: what school and department wants that as its motto?!

            1. They still care more about grant money and prestige. That lets people get away with a lot. That and the power dynamics in academia that keep people from complaining. DEI in academia is definitely just window dressing, money is the only thing that matters.

            2. Of course schools care. Do you think it’s easy to fire a tenured professor? Do you know anything about that process?

            3. There is definitely always another layer of BS when you work through one DEI obstruction! A current thing happening is that more funders implement codes of conduct as part of the funding requirements, and make it easier to move the grant to a different person at the same institution. Ergo, removing the incentive for universities to keep the missing stair because he is a rainmaker. But it’s all going at a glacial pace.

            4. I mean, you’re not wrong. I’ve made the “to seem, rather than to be” joke before about a school that really should flip its motto. The DEI and woke stuff in higher ed is superficial (I am not criticizing the people who work hard on inclusivity, but they’re working uphill and against the prevailing culture and often don’t get the respect they deserve).

               The tip of the iceberg sometimes makes it to the news cycle if it’s a prestigious enough school, and sometimes there are repercussions if it gets to that stage (Avital Ronell at NYU, Thomas Hubbard at UT Austin, William Harris at Columbia — stories I know only because of six degrees of separation). It sometimes comes up out that there were prior settlements designed to keep things quiet.

               If you’re interested, Karen Kelsky has tried to measure the whisper network with her #metooPhD project.

               The Hunting Ground documentary is about students, not faculty, but I think it’s important context for administrative priorities as well.

            5. This is super-horrifying.

               One other maddening thing in higher ed is that a person may get non-renewed and then it gets noisy. And the noise is that X was non-renewed for reason A. When IRL, X is a total hound dog and is getting non-renewed for Reasons that are well-known and have been for years. But often A is easily shot full of holes as the reason for non-renewal, so now the school looks bad (rightly, but for the wrong reason, but you really scratch your head about what happened with X.

               It’s like an Alice-in-Wonderland sort of experience. What on earth do the Title 9 people do all day? It seems like no one wants them to do their actual jobs, so people get hired and just feel like the purpose of their life is now a joke and they are complicit in whitewashing the patriarchy even more?

            6. One thing I hate is something like UVA, which everyone believed, because everything like this is plausibly true. But it was easily proved with a little checking to be false. And it seems that it is endemic that while schools lower the gauntlet on athletes and fraternities, they have willful blindness on anything that makes the school money and wins grants. So everything is true and yet nothing is true. I guess there is one Title 9 for undergrad bros but for tenured bros it’s just fine and will always be fine and everyone whispers but no one really cares. Nice.

            7. When I was an undergrad, a married professor 30 years my senior made a play for me. He chased grad students, too. It was horrifying and I wished I had reported it to the administration. He is now very well known, but at the expense of the well being of young women.

      2. “Chaperone” is not the word I would use for people who are mostly 22 years old or older, but it’s very normal for grad students to travel with professors and/or postdocs on a work trip.

   7. Your instincts are right. You need to get 1000 miles away from this trip or see to it that the offender is not going. Report it now. You could absolutely be 100% responsible if something happens on the trip now that you have constructive knowledge of a likely danger to a student in your care. Report up as high as you can and get it addressed long before the trip.

   8. A chaperone for a grad school trip? That seems… odd? Or maybe I just don’t understand academia? Honestly, I would make this a “not my problem” because, as you said, what are the repercussions if you step in?

      1. Don’t faculty need to come on the trip to lead the workshops or whatever the purpose of the trip is?

         1. Yes, or supervise the field research or whatever it is. Completely normal for faculty to be traveling with grad students.

   9. WTF. It’s not at all ok that this happens and that it’s put on you to police a colleague known to behave badly.

      Many universities have revised their romantic relationships policies in the last decade. In the universities I know best, faculty dating any student in the same department is now strictly prohibited.

      I’d carefully review the policy to see what obligations I have as a bystander and see if there was a decent resource that could help.

      1. +1. OP, it’s deeply f*cked up that you’re in this situation and I’m sorry. Check the policy, CYA and keep your eyes peeled.

         1. OTOH, I’d have a convo with the person who suggested that you police the faculty (who probably outranks you) that you understand that X is the policy and that it is the school’s job (not your job) to enforce it. That they are on notice that there is problem and that they ought to talk to the faculty member and the students and spell things out. You don’t get paid enough to take on any liability for this. And they are on notice that they have a problem. Officially, you don’t stay up past 8 and don’t do bed checks and don’t take charge of adults vs children.

         2. Interesting that they aren’t asking a guy to police the faculty member. More liabilities and work for women. You are not a babysitter of an ill-behaved adult or adult female students.

   10. Think of what you can do to CYA b/c clearly there is a problem and now you are on notice.

       1. Thanks folks for all your thoughts.
          Chaperone is a weird word – we’re basically taking a group of students on a field trip. We’re responsible for making sure everyone gets where they are going/responding to any crisis.
          I’m a relatively new hire, have only met this person briefly, and all I’ve heard are rumors rather than being party/having any firsthand knowledge of suspect behavior, so I feel like my ability to go to someone and say “this shouldn’t be happening” is really limited.

          1. OP, I posted a few cynical responses upthread because this is a systemic issue that you can in no way solve on your own in this one case, and it’s definitely not your responsibility to babysit a senior faculty member. However, this is the kind of thing that a department can decide to collectively take responsibility for. I get the vibe that this is more like a field trip to a museum than literal field work, but the disciplines that do a lot of field work have historically had such a terrible time with sexual harassment that it’s forced them to do a lot of work on trying to improve best practices over the last few years. Check out resources at this link for some examples: https://fieldworkfuture.ucsc.edu

             One thing that would definitely help is to have a clear field trip code of conduct and a reporting structure where everyone knows what to do if this guy starts doing sketchy things. A lot of times this won’t rise to the level of things that are actually illegal, which is why it’s important to set standards and enforce them collectively.

   11. I am going to take a completely different approach to this:

       First, you are accompanying a group of adults. The use of the term “chaperone” implies you do not see them that way. They are not even undergraduates. These are people who are in their mid-20s at the youngest. And no – you do not have personal liability here.

       Second, does his behavior violate your university’s policies? Some prohibit all professor-student relationships (I had a professor who had to get his marriage grandfathered in because he was a history professor and his wife was a grad student in one of the sciences when they adopted the policy). But many only prohibit relationships with undergraduates or with students the professor is teaching/evaluating. As long as he takes “no” as no and backs off without repercussions, he may not be breaking any rules.

       Third, can we please give women some agency in their own lives? If a grown woman wants to marry her former thesis advisor or date a partner in her firm, she is not by definition a victim. There is nothing inherently unsavory about it. People sometimes just fall in love.

       1. Big eyeroll to your third paragraph. If I lived someone, I would not put them in a situation that is identical to a coercive situation. I would want that person to succeed as a graduate student, launch an academic career, and discuss dating when it no longer looks gross, exploitative, or ripe for retaliation.

          1. And that is nice for you but I would not purport to tell a grown woman that I think I know better than she does what is “gross, exploitative, or ripe for retaliation.” Or encourage a man to think that he should be making decisions for his adult partner “for her own good.”

             One of my law school professors married a former student. It was 3 years after she graduated and nobody knew for sure whether they had dated while she was a student. Do you know who made her life difficult as a result? It was other women who decided that she was clearly too stupid or too naive or too passive to make her own decisions about her own life. (Not to mention the complaints that his current women students made despite their own admission that he had never said or done anything remotely objectionable to them.)

             I realize this is generational. But I am so tired or women being treated like children by other women.

       2. I’m going to push back on the marrying students thing, not because I don’t think that these couples aren’t genuinely in love and that women can’t have agency, but just because I think it sets a really toxic precedent for other people in the department when faculty clearly see their grad students as potential partners rather than as someone they should be teaching. I was the one who posted above about interviewing for a faculty position in a department where multiple male faculty members had just married their former students, who were all women my age. I certainly didn’t feel like they saw me on equal footing as a scientist, but rather as someone they might want to date (they had all divorced their first wives to marry their students and were starting second families). I’ve also often heard students complain about other students getting favorable treatment because they’re dating faculty, and the students that aren’t don’t get the same opportunities. And that’s just in the cases where everything goes well. Clearly there’s also huge potential for abuse of power, but that doesn’t have to happen for there to be negative effects. It’s a big world out there, it’s just not that hard to not date your students.

       3. +1

          What are the University’s policies?

          Are there women complaining?

       4. I do understand that falling in love happens. Some dear friends of mine met when he was a professor and she was a graduate student; he recused himself from all committees and she took no classes from him. They’re also still together now decades later. I don’t think it’s the end of the world that it was a little scandalous; a lot of love stories involve some kind of obstacle from without.

          But a pattern of predatory behavior by people with power over income, opportunities, and career prospects just isn’t the same thing as falling in love. They know that there’s pressure to say “yes” and that there’s fear of repercussions. Sometimes they think they convince someone it’s love; sometimes they think they can convince someone it’s a winning strategy; and sometimes they can convince someone it’s a losing strategy to say “no.” They can do this without explicitly threatening anyone and sometimes without even crossing any official lines. This is the kind of thing the whisper networks are about, to help students avoid being in this position to begin with, and to make sure everybody knows when a professor has a habit of “falling in love” with someone new every fall semester.

          1. Basically, I think if it’s really true love, couples will decide for themselves what it’s worth to them, but there are reasons that institutions should push back.

             1. If it’s really love, it can wait until she graduates. This stuff isn’t hard.

             2. My now-husband was a grad assistant who taught classes in the same department I was in when I was in college (I never took classes from him, but I knew him because we worked on a couple of departmental projects together, as I had a work-study job in the department office). We knew there was an attraction there, but it wasn’t until he graduated and had gotten a non-academic job in another city that he approached me and we ended up getting together (and then had to be in a long-distance relationship for almost a year, until I graduated and was able to move to where he was). He told me he waited until he was no longer in any position to influence anything related to my education before saying anything to me about wanting to be with me. We’re still together 25 years later, so obviously things worked out just fine. I completely agree that there is no reason why people can’t just wait if it’s really true love. The professional stakes are too great for people to throw caution to the wind in situations like that.

6. Hemming rules for flares? My fashion sin is over hemming and I know that going too short will ruin them more than leaving them alone (too long, maybe can fix with a heeled boot).

   1. Look for the “perfect pant length” post on You Look Fab. I think flared should be hemmed to just skim the ground. And I think they look good with some type of heel.

      1. Jolynne Shane had a post about pants lengths recently, too. At least in the past couple of months or so.

         1. Good recommendation. I follow her blog and I like the way she styles her jeans.

   2. In this situation you need to hem your pants to the shoe you will be wearing with them. Then you’re stuck wearing that shoe when you wear the pant, Jr it will be perfect.

      First, if they’re jeans, wash them a couple of times, and dry them as you mean to do going forward, whether that’s tumble dry or line dry.

      Then take the pants and the shoes to the tailor and get the pants hemmed to be 1/2” off the ground in back, while wearing your shoes. That’s the perfect pants length for flares.

      1. Agree except the hem amount – a quarter inch off the ground is perfect IMHO. But you really are stuck with one heel height for them to look perfect.

         1. Yep, that’s one of the reasons I liked when skinnies came into style. My feet weren’t comfortable in heels and I was happy to switch over to flats.

7. Long-shot, but has anyone been to Nepal? We are going in December and looking for recs on what to do there. SIL lives there so will have plenty of recommendations from her too!

   1. I went to Nepal several years ago. Where are you going and do you have any sort of guide or tour planned? We went with a private guide (and porters when hiking) and trekked lodge to lodge in the Annapurnas, and then flew to Lukla and hiked lodge to lodge near Everest. We also spent a couple days in Kathmandu on either end of the trip and one night in the Pokhara Valley in the middle. It is a spectacular region, you will have a great time!

   2. Yes, I went in 2019 and it was great. We stayed in Kathmandu for just a couple days with some family friends and then went hiking near Numbur. For the hiking, like NYCer, we had a guide and porter and walked from lodge to lodge. It was great! In the city, we hired a driver and went to the typical tourist sites (temples, squares, stupas) and enjoyed it. We also got a great massage post-hiking. Enjoy!

   3. Pokhara, nagarkot. Our hotel guy drove us to a gorgeous viewpoint at 5am to see the sunrise on the Himalayas. Incredible

8. Does anyone have the shark flex style? Thinking about splurging on one, but would love to hear reviews!

   I would likely mostly use it as a hair dryer and the two brush attachments as an upgrade from my Revlon which has been causing some damage to my hair. Interested in trying the curling attachments too – I don’t know how to use a curling iron so have therefore never curled my hair.

   Hair is collarbone length, fine strands but a lot of them so my hair overall is thick but it also gets flat like fine hair, and has a weird wave pattern.

   1. I just got mine and am still figuring out the ins and outs of using it, but I appreciate having both speed and temp options and have tried out all but the flat brush option and have found all of them generally straightforward. Curling attachments are a bit of learning curve, and you do need to have product, but even without when it fell it looked like a blowout so I’ll take it. My goal in it was to replace my revlon, blow dryer and curling iron with one tool for space and traveling purposes, and it seems like this will be able to do that.

   2. I follow Abbey Yung on YouTube and she did a video comparing it to the Dyson Air Wrap.

9. Happy Monday to those of you who escaped the holidays with less family drama than I.

   On Friday, I invited ILs – who live 8 hours away in DH’s rural hometown – to our annual Christmas party. FIL is your standard Fox News-watching, says whatever was ok in 1965, small town guy. He’s not a sophisticated fellow, but MIL is wonderful, and they’re a matched set.

   On Saturday before leaving, the party comes up when talking about future plans, and I say, “Oh, please be sure not to talk about politics or religion or other hot topics. Let’s stick to the weather or the decorations or something benign.” I said it with the same chatty, smiley air I had been using for the last 3 days of our visit.

   You see where this is going: I stepped in it. When DH called his mom Saturday night to say he’d arrived home safely, she told him she’d been “bawling all day” and that they weren’t coming to the party because they’d be an embarrassment to us. DH apologized and says that wasn’t the intent, etc, etc. It’s late, and we go to bed.

   On Sunday, MIL texts me a novel that she’s “sorry we let your words hurt us” and “I didn’t know how to react thinking you thought we didn’t know how to carry on a conversation and was crying all day thinking of it” and “we’re just plain old country folks and won’t apologize for that” and that “I love you unconditionally” and “don’t ever want to be an embarrassment to you or DH” and “all is forgiven and forgotten.”

   Oh FFS! Yes, I can see where I went wrong. But at the same time, FIL literally told me not 30 minutes before I said what I said that he was mad at Hallmark for making an inter r a c i a l movie and “shoving B l a c k people down our throats – why can’t I just see a movie about W h i t e people? Why does everything have to be about B l a c k s?” So I thought my guidance was maybe not unwarranted. Clearly, though, I struck a nerve with MIL.

   I haven’t responded. I haven’t spoken to them since I left Saturday morning. If I could get in a time machine and not invite them in the first place and thus never have said what I said, I would. I have no problem apologizing. I genuinely AM sorry my words hurt them. But the rest? The crying all day and “we’re just simple country folks” and the they’re not coming part? I don’t have enough emotional bandwidth in my life to deal with that ish. I don’t know what to say to apologize for two sentences that were apparently so egregious that her response is to tell me that I’m loved unconditionally. FFS. Anyone want to write this text for me? Fork fork fork. FORK.

   1. “Oh I’m so sorry I hurt your feelings! That was never my intention! I love you both and truly hope to see you at our party”

      Sorry. You can’t choose your family. I have complete characters in mine too.

      1. Totally agree on this approach. And I say this with a SIL and her 20 y/o daughter who went on and on… and on about how they wish they hadn’t gotten vaccinated because they think it has somehow increased likelihood for arthritis or something like that–to a table with me who is fighting cancer, my husband who is severely immune suppressed , my mother who is near 90 and sister who is a healthcare worker caring for post-surgical patients. Some people truly have no idea how to read a room.

   2. is Black a mod word on this site or is B l a c k how you write it like you are whispering it?

   3. I’ve never had someone who is a guest in my house tell me what I could and couldn’t say inside of it. And I’ve never been in someone’s house where someone piped up with defined lanes of conversation. I guess I am eternal middle-schooler, but people don’t like being told what they can and cannot do. I can’t try to keep fools from acting like fools. At this point, that’s on them.

      1. I mean, honestly, this. I don’t think you can invite them and police their entire conversation. I think you can warn people to keep them from stepping in something specific (i.e., don’t talk about the war in Ukraine, Tom has a family member on the front lines and that upsets him), but you basically told them not to talk at all except pleasantries. If they are that bad, you honestly just shouldn’t invite them at all.

         1. +1
            I also think a lot of people are perfectly aware of how offensive they’re being, and the racist stuff won’t get said in front of people of color, etc. You’re getting the special all-access family version of their behaviour.
            Unless they get drunk. Then they’ll embarrass you 😂

            1. There’s a reason I don’t have family holidays with my borderline qanon sister and her husband anymore!

      2. I don’t disagree, but I think it’s important context that they were discussing OP’s party when she said this. It’s not like she just dumped her parameters on them out of nowhere.

   4. I had family drama too that was totally unexpected! Relatives we always spend the holiday with told us they just wanted to cocoon this year. We made our own plans which were enjoyable. Imagine my surprise when I see fb pictures showing them hosting other family members on the holiday! I’m older, life’s too short for me to stress but it was disconcerting, to say the least. I did mention my surprise and disappointment via text and received an apology and explanation, but… really?

      1. Would it have been better if they had said “we want to see X family instead this year”? Curious because I’ve previously felt the desire to change up long standing plans and don’t know how to go about it tactfully

         1. It would definitely have been better! We’ve occasionally switched up plans in the past for various reasons and at least I wouldn’t have been blindsided.

            1. Agree. Families are big and after COVID, a lot of things are resetting differently. But I don’t know how I’d deal with a person who thought it was better to lie to me than just saying “Emily and her kids are going to be with us for xmas when they are in town.” I would think my relationship can stand disappointment but lies are just so personally damaging when the truth comes out.

         2. Yes? I think lying is always the worst.

      2. I’ve been there and it feels . . . not good. I wish it were just invisible but now social media makes me know and the FOMO is real. I’d prefer “we’ve already got Brian’s sister staying with us this year” and then my feelings aren’t hurt. I get that people make other plans but I don’t like being lied to when the truth seems to come out in family or friend groups.

         1. That’s exactly how I feel, thanks for putting it into words!

   5. We had family drama pre-Thanksgiving but the holiday itself went much better than I could have expected. I’m bracing myself for PepFamily Drama Part II: Christmas Plans.

   6. GirlPull your selfTogether. Your whole post reads like they’re just republicans who go to church. Except he also said blatantly racist things. “MIL, he said he didn’t like black people on tv. Yes we want you in our lives but obviously I am concerned about his behavior.”

      1. “republicans who just go to church” and “also racist” is the same thing :)

         OP, you did nothing wrong and they both sound like aholes. I’d ignore and move on, let them believe they are victims, their entire political ideology is base don that and they won’t change.

         1. Just saying, someone who enjoys painting other people with that broad of a brush likely… paints others with that broad of a brush. Projection much?

            1. Gaslight much?

         2. Gaslight much?

   7. ughhhhh commiseration. just repeat after me: I am not responsible for other people’s emotions. Repeat again and again. This giant overreaction is about her. I have learned all about emotional boundaries in attempts to be okay around my MIL drama.

   8. I think the issue is you brought up the rule too far in advance – like it came off as you’d been seriously thinking about their conversation in particular, not breezy guidance when they arrived for the party weekend.

      Does your MIL have different views than FIL? If you said “sorry, FILs comments about Black people were so fresh that I blurted out my worries about offending other party guests” would she understand?

   9. Ugh, I’m sorry. My mom has made the same statements to me verbatim in the past – about her being country folk or a southerner as an excuse for racist comments, that I’m embarrassed by her, and how she won’t apologize for what she believes. Does Fox News run an annual segment on “How to talk to your liberal city dwelling relatives”?

      My ILs are the other end of the spectrum as are most of DH and my friends. I’m not going to change my family and I’ve found that past a certain age your family of origin isn’t a reflection on you. If anything, people will comment on how you’re nothing like them. And if it’s any consolation, bigoted people have a hard time seeing what’s around them – there were several gay couples at our wedding and I was steeling myself for comments, but they’re so not used to seeing gay couples that it didn’t even register that two men were there as a couple and not as friends.

      1. I don’t know that I agree. I’m white but if I was at a friend’s holiday party and that friend’s relative (or in-law) made a comment like the one OP quoted I would be extremely uncomfortable — in that awkward place of wanting to call our the racism but feeling like a bad guest if I insult the host’s family by doing so — and would leave feeling awful because I either didn’t do enough or caused an ugly situation. I’m sure if there are any non-white guests at the party then overhearing such a comment would be a million times worse for them. I guess it would depend on the details but there are multiple scenarios in which I would reconsider my friendship with the host, if the offending party were family or a close friend. My family and my in-laws include plenty of “simple country folk” and southerners who do not think (and therefore do not say) such sentiments.

         1. Caucasian, Southern, “simple country folk” here. It’s not an excuse for racism, bigotry, misogyny, narrow mindedness, or any other ignorant bs. It should never be accepted as one.

   10. I personally just wouldn’t care that much. That’s the price of admission she pays for being married to a racist bigot.

   11. Another viewpoint: you did nothing wrong!!!! Asking people to avoid politics or religion at a party with a smile on your face is a good thing. Especially if those people are bigoted. (Your MIL likely agrees with your FIL on many issues, but has better social graces FYI.)

       In your shoes, I would write: “I meant no offense! We invited you because I want you there! I just tell people to avoid religion and politics so that the party can be festive and fun.”

       1. I agree that OP did nothing wrong but I really cringed at your script. I think this is an example of something that sounds nice in your head but isn’t received nicely in text. Don’t double down on the politics/religion comment. Just act surprised that she was hurt – you are surprised! – and say you meant no offense and love her and hope to see her at the party. Short and sweet and doesn’t invite a response.

          1. I am team double down because I would want them to adhere to those boundaries. When I have boundaries, I mean them. If being told to stick to small talk bothers them, they can choose not to come.

       2. I like this phrasing.

       3. Money, politics, and religion were known no-go zones in my late teens, so if you are telling people who are adults, especially if it seems you tell the country folk and not the city folk, it’s going to be taken as an insult to them. Especially if MIL isn’t the offender.

          1. I think this is pretty standard though – FIL is bringing up basically politics, a topic he should know to avoid. It’s not a big deal to say “we’re all together for the holidays, lets stick to lighter topics”.

       4. Also, consider reframing – We are asking everyone to avoid talking about religion and politics… followed by Fox News talking point… the country is just so divided right now.

          But, my take is that the comment is just as much about your MIL feeling insecure about being around a bunch of people that will look down on her for being not fancy and from a rural area. Similar to how you might feel judged for being the big city girl in a small town. Your comment likely just hit that nerve that she was already worried about.

          And, on FIL … Hallmark messed with the formula for the holiday movies this year. I don’t mean on casting but on the typical rom-com sugary formula for what we expect. He has wrongly focused on the casting, but there is more going on that is likely going on as the movies just aren’t much of a happily ever after implausible ending this year.

          1. Why are you so committed to defending a racist comment from her FIL? Weird take.

          2. Lol, what? He meant exactly what he said. He does not like seeing Black people.

   12. I’m guessing she was so upset because she’s embarrassed by your FIL’s comments but has been hoping they aren’t that big of a deal to other people, but the fact that you brought it up proves otherwise.

       1. Oh no, MIL is racist too. She just knows enough to keep it quiet.

   13. First, I’m sorry you’re going through this drama. It sounds tough.
       Second, as a POC, can I make a suggestion? Instead of making a general statement to avoid politics, could you please address your FIL’s racism in the moment? Something like, ‘Hey what you’re saying is hurtful.” It would help a lot more than avoiding hot topics at a cocktail party. Obviously I’m an anon internet commenter and don’t know your family at all. But it would be nice if we just started addressing racist people in a direct and compassionate way, rather than managing around their feelings.
       I hope it all works out for you

       1. This is a very good point!

       2. Also, from your FIL’s perspective, he was talking about Christmas movies, not about politics or religion. So your suggestion that they avoid politics and religion isn’t really addressing the issue. They need to talk about the weather, decorations, Hallmark movies, etc. without throwing in casual racism.

       3. +1
          Exactly

   14. Most of you all are MUCH nicer than I am. I likely just wouldn’t respond to the text – they can come or not, cry to DH, whatever. If I did respond, no way would I apologize. I would say something along the lines of – you’re still welcome at the party but you can see why I don’t want FIL making comments about how black people on TV offend him around my other guests, thanks.

       1. Same.

       2. I love this response.

   15. Don’t text. My suggestion is to let her cool off for a few days, then call her and apologize when she’s had her fun going through all the ways she’s been persecuted by your remark. If she comes or not, that’s up to her. FWIW, my very conservative parents always had fun at our semi-raucous “liberal elite” Christmas parties.

       My mom loves to do stuff like this – not the crying, but let’s bring up a tiny perceived slight until the end of time. I got married in 2005 and she still brings up the fact that my sister wasn’t in some of the posed family wedding photos. Yes, my sister was the biggest pill in the run up to my wedding, but the reason she wasn’t in those photos is because the photographer genuinely forgot to pluck her out of the horde of bridesmaids and I forgot too.

       Dealing with difficult relatives is a marathon, not a race. They will be Like That until they are no longer here, so laying some ground rules and not responding helps a lot.

   16. I think you need to address racist comments in the moment when they happen. Shrugging them off and saying that no one should discuss politics just doesn’t help.

       You don’t need to lecture anyone but just doing simple pushback (“i disagree. people should be able to love who they want”) in the moment.

       Also, on the party comment – as your friend I would be upset if your family made a racist/homophobic comments to me that you did not address and would consider this when accepting invites in the future. Like, why would you want to put me in that situation?

       I am sorry that your MIL cried, but they seem like crocodile tears to me. The issue here is that she and her spouse are racist/homophobic, not that she was called racist/homophobic.

       1. I’m with Colette on all of these points

   17. Why did you even invite them? They live 8 hours away, so that seems like a good excuse.

10. I’m packing for a weeklong Disney cruise. We have a 4 and 5 yo.

    I’ll pack the basics like I do for beach trips. (With the understanding that I won’t be able to do a target curbside for random things every other day.)

    Anything special I should pack for a Disney cruise that will make my life easier?

    Thanks!

    1. There is a pirate night I think so pack gear for that. I would also pack costumes for the kids.

       Also consider melatonin to help everyone wind down.

    2. I would bring OTC meds you use often. Haven’t been on a Disney cruise but guessing it’s the same as other cruise lines– they sell OTC meds in the gift shop but marked waaaaay up from regular store prices.

    3. I think you should spend some time on Disney specific boards… like ppl bring magnets and stuff to decorate their doors? Also if yours stops at Castaway cay 2x, use one of the days to stay on ship and do all the cool stuff with no wait. Source, friend who did this jusssssst pre Covid.

       1. If you need it, you have this stranger’s permission to not participate in nonsense like decorating your cruise cabin door.

       2. I haven’t done Disney, but if it’s anything like other cruise lines a lot of the ship stuff will be closed whenever the ship is in port, and “port” includes the private island even if there isn’t much to do there.

          1. The shops tend to be closed while in port, but the waterslide is still open.

             1. On the cruises I’ve done, shops, kids clubs, and dining room were all closed in port. Waterslides/pools should be open.

    4. Consider bringing lanyards to keep your stateroom cards in – not only easier to hold onto them, but easier to find a big bright lanyard in a messy stateroom than just a loose card.
       They will provide little “activity sheets” at dinner for the kids, but if your kids will be bored by those or finish them quickly, consider bringing other activity or coloring books for them to do at dinner (3+ course meals can get boring for littles).
       I just got off a cruise and wish I’d brought a full size shampoo and conditioner from home – the quality provided by the cruise is not good, and it’s crazy expensive to buy on board.
       If you don’t have a balcony, consider that it may take awhile to hang things to dry and whether that means you need to bring extra swimsuits/coverups.

    5. Lanyards
       Pop up laundry basket for the room (I barely pack and just do laundry every night)
       Pump hand soap (the bar gets gross)
       Pirate night swag (face tatoos, glow sticks, etc.)
       All the OTC meds

    6. Cruisecritic.com has message boards for every cruise and you can get lots of helpful hints there.

       1. The people on r3ddit r/cruise are also helpful. Because it’s a Disney cruise you might cross post on r/disney
          I know that social media s1te has a bad reputation (generally, not those specific pages) but I’ve gotten a lot of helpful travel advice there.

    7. There are lots of Disney cruise reviews and vlogs on youtube, with the individual ships specified, where you can get lots of tips.

11. Good morning!
    Can anyone recommend a photographer for a headshot in the DC / NO Va area? Bonus if they can do makeup also. Thanks!

12. Is a rice cooker worth it? I have a very small kitchen but fine storage in the living room (I keep some kitchen appliances in the coat closet).

    I eat lentils, brown rice, oatmeal, quinoa, and farro often enough but mostly eat the rice and quinoa from those microwave in bag pouches that I’d like to stop using.

    I also have an instapot – should I just be using that?

    1. I don’t have an instapot however I LOOOVE my aroma rice cooker! favorite kitchen gadget by far

    2. We got rid of ours last time we moved because we didn’t think it was worth the storage, but I also am not a big rice person. You definitely don’t need one for quinoa, though. It’s super easy to make on the stove in 10-15 minutes pasta style (add an excess of water and pour off the extra when done). I usually make a big batch on the stove and freeze whatever I’m not using so that I have small portions ready to go when I want them. I also make a fair amount of whole wheat couscous and bulgur which don’t require cooking at all, just add boiling water and let sit (couscous will be done quickly, bulgur takes longer).

    3. We eat rice maybe three times a week and I’ve never seen the need for a rice cooker. I use the IP for brown rice. White rice I do on the stove.

       1. Exactly the same here. I’ve been cooking rice on the stovetop for my entire life!

       2. I find stovetop rice difficult and finicky!

          1. Me too, especially now we’re at altitude! The instant pot should be just fine for rice.

    4. Yes worth it. It earned space in my small downtown apartment. Much easier to clean too, and you can start the rice, quinoa, oatmea and walk away/shower/etc like a crock pot

    5. I am obsessed with my rice cooker. I went on a big road trip in a camper van last year and even with very limited space my rice cooker came with me. I didn’t used to eat that much rice but once I started buying better quality rice and cooking it in a rice cooker I eat it all. the. time. Like, multiple times a week. I love it because it’s so easy– just rinse the rice, put it in the cooker with water and hit start, and the most pillowy, perfectly cooked rice comes out.

       That said, I don’t have an Instant Pot so that might be as easy as the rice cooker, in which case I say use that instead of adding another kitchen gadget.

    6. OP here – I saw my aunt from SE Asia and some of my Asian-American cousins for Thanksgiving so they were all singing the praises of a rice cooker which made me reconsider if I’m missing out on something!

       1. Asian here, I’m partial to my rice cooker despite also having an Instant Pot, BUT if you’re short on space and already have an Instant Pot, all you really need is the Instant Pot to handle all sorts of grains. Unless you need to cook two sorts of grains at once and stovetop space is already taken up by other dishes.

    7. Start with the instant pot. I got rid of my rice cooker when I bought it (and lived in a very small space). I’d rather the instant pot for its functionality with beans.

       1. Counterpoint: I got rid of my rice cooker when I got an instant pot, then it turned out I didn’t like the instant pot so I gave it away and bought another rice cooker, which I continue to love.

    8. Use the instant pot! For white/jasmine/basmati, rinse very well, combine in 1:1 ratio with water, cook on high for 4 mins, 10 minute natural release. This works perfectly for me, as I frequently walked away from/burned rice when I did it on the stove. Brown rice requires a bit longer but still helpful to be totally handsfree imo.

       1. I cook rice several times per week – almost exclusively in my Instant Pot. I am not a fan of having multiple single-use devices at home and IP cooks rice perfectly.

          1. Agree on not favoring single use devices but there is a tiny rice cooker by Dash that is $20 and fits nicely in a dish/cup cabinet that has led me to reconsider this rule. We use it at least once or twice a week-I can walk the dog while the rice is cooking and not worry about it burning. Highly recommend!

    9. Rice is good in the instant pot and it’s also fine cooked on the stovetop. In fact I pretty much only cook it on the stovetop and it comes out just right every time.

    10. Up to you, and your kitchen space. But I LOVE the rice cooker convenience of being able to make the rice at any point, and not have to time it, and its perfect every time. Cooker keeps it warm, doesn’t over-cook or dry it out if I leave it while I finish the rest of the meal prep. So easy to clean. I don’t have to drag out my huge Instapot.

        I rarely eat rice – it is a treat for me – and I still think it is worth having in my kitchen since I have space for it.

    11. The rice cooker is perhaps my favorite kitchen appliance. I’m not much of a cook and it’s idiot-proof, even for me. You dump in some water and rice and less than an hour later, lots of cheap warm food! Our Instant Pot seems heavy and fussy by comparison.

        We have a larger one now, but for years I had a small one that wasn’t much bigger around than a salad plate. It was 4-cup model from the Japanese grocery store, no “keep-warm” function. Worked great.

    12. If you already have an instant pot, start using it as a rive cooker immediately!!!!

    13. Thanks all! Will give the Instant a whirl but will try a rice cooker if the IP isn’t working for me!

13. Vicarious shopping help! Looking for a Christmas gift for my mom: Early 60s, recently(ish) fully retired, likes gardening (literal), learning to make pottery, and her dog. Doesn’t like scented anything.
    Budget is ~$60-80. Unfortunately she can easily just buy herself anything I can afford to get her

    1. Oh also, she is in the middle of some pretty serious home renovations

       1. I would go for a cool hand thrown piece of pottery that will go with her renovation! If she’s redoing the kitchen, I’d do a fruit bowl in a color that will match the kitchen and will be able to be displayed on the counter when it’s done!

          1. Don’t buy a potter pottery. They probably have so much of their own.

    2. DH is a potter! Rarely has this been useful on this board lol.

       a couple ideas: An apron for pottery – you can get them at the pottery supply stores and it’s much more comfortable and covering than the kitchen apron I bet she’s using at pottery class.

       If she’s taking classes at a studio, contact them and see if they’re doing any Christmas / new years one day workshops on specific skills. Bonus points if it’s one you can do together – like if they’re doing a one day workshop on slab rolling or coiling that you can go with her. This has the added benefit of not being a “thing” she needs to juggle during Renos.

       A really nice coffee table book on ceramics / pottery. I recommend the Ceramics Bible (revised edition), or see if you can find a book about ceramic artists in her region (“potters of lower New York State” or whatever).

       If she’s got a wheel at home, clay is always needed. Or kiln time at the local studio. Or there’s all sorts of fun tools by a brand called Garrity that are made in St. Louis.

       1. You could get her an HBO max subscription and tell her to binge the 5 seasons of the Great Pottery Throwdown. Super fun for me as a beginner potter. The show is a carbon copy of the Bakeoff, just with clay!

    3. The Food52 wreaths are amazing. My mom gets one every year and loves them. No question. She hangs them inside and they smell delightful for months.

       1. I haven’t seen these before and now I want one!

       2. Something like this, that can become an annual tradition, is a great idea. I’m your mom’s age and I would love it!

    4. Shida has beautiful dried flower bouquets and wreath making kits
       If she likes coffee, check out the Wiredutter recs for coffee subscriptions

    5. Felco pruners?

       1. Ooh great suggestion.

14. Help – I need your networking suggestions. I will have several small group opportunities with the leaders of my national organization as “leadership development” and I know I am terrible at taking advantage of these. Starter questions? Conversation ideas? It’s a mix of my imposter syndrome and introverted-ness but I am already nervous.

    1. Congratulations! Great opportunity. People love to talk about themselves so a few thoughtful questions can work wonders. I get a lot of mileage out of questions like “What surprised you about [making it to this stage/stepping into this leadership position]?” And “what do you wish you’d known (or done differently) when you were at my stage in your career?” “What three things have helped you succeed?” Pretend to be a journalist and stick with open ended questions (who/what/where/when/why) rather than yes/no questions (like “did anything surprise you about becoming a leader?” is the dud version of my earlier example). And have fun!

    2. Go for normal, easy to answer questions like best/worst career advice, what would you do differently if you had a time machine, wish you’d known sooner about the company, etc. When you keep it easy conversation flows and it’s not awkward. When people try to ask strategy questions and the like, it gets challenging because you’re not the audience to actually have that conversation with. Keep it friendly and normal for a good impression. Signed, the senior leader who goes to these things all the time.

15. I’ve seen a couple comments in the past about folks who have depression, or folks whose partner does. What incentivized you / them to get help? DH isn’t doing well, and I both hate to see him hurting this badly and refuse to be the person blamed when a tiny life upset knocks over the whole wagon. He acknowledges he is depressed, but doesn’t want outside help. I’m worried I’m in ultimatum territory, and at the end of the day I don’t actually want to leave him but I don’t feel like I’m married to the same person I signed up for 15 years ago.

    1. I’m very sorry you’re dealing with this, it is SO hard to see clearly in the midst of depression. First – are you in therapy? I think disentangling what you need from what he wants is a good first step, as is setting limits as to what you need from him. So, I can see letting him off the hook for some household upkeep but don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm and try to manage EVERYTHING in your life (house, kids, family, etc.) in the hopes that it will alleviate his depression, it won’t.
       At the end of the day though, you’re right. You can’t force him to get help, and you can only control yourself. A good therapist can help you here. If you’ve reached the point of considering divorce that may be worth saying to him during a moment of calm – ‘I can’t force you to get help, but I cannot live with you like this. I love you and I want the best for you, but I plan to pursue divorce if you continue to remain untreated.’

    2. No real tips but hugs. My SO is in the exact same situation. We’ve talked about it and he really can’t articulate why he doesn’t want to do therapy or meds. It’s really hard for me, but I’ve stopped suggesting it/trying to convince him other than letting him know that I can help with the logistics of finding a provider if he wants me to. He knows the resources exist and I can’t force him to use them. (This position is the result of years of therapy and meds for me, but I started as a kid so didn’t have to really “decide” to go)

       1. My advice to you is break up. It’s a very long and difficult road with someone depressed who won’t treat it. Given your handle and use of SO instead of spouse, I’m presuming you’re not married. For the OP, 15 years in, it’s a lot harder.

          1. +1. It’s hard to hear this recommendation but I agree it’s less heartache long term.

          2. I agree. If you’re dating someone with depression and they won’t seek professional help, it’s time to leave.

          3. This. Post-college I was taking care of my seriously depressed boyfriend and basically supporting both of us on my miniscule salary. He wouldn’t get therapy or take meds. After about a year of having to constantly be his sounding board/therapist/cheering section I realized I simply didn’t love or respect him any longer as he was actively choosing NOT to get better. We broke up, he went to therapy, tried to win me back but I was well and truly over it and only wished I’d broken up with him sooner.

       2. Break up!!! Life is too short to waste on a man who won’t take care of himself. Enjoy law school.

       3. +1 Don’t volunteer for this, 2L. You have your whole life ahead of you and you don’t owe it to your SO to sacrifice your own happiness for his.

       4. Oh dear I think I made this sound much worse than it is. SO’s depression is pretty mild and overall I’m really happy with him and our relationship. I don’t feel like I’m having to hold him up or anything and it doesn’t really affect our activities. But point taken and it’s something to keep an eye on for me

    3. With medical issues that turned out not to be depression after all, having somebody facilitate accessing healthcare was helpful to me. I had so much brain fog that the process of finding a relevant doctor, asking for a referral, making sure they took my insurance, scheduling, and getting there (I could no longer drive) was too much for me to make happen. And I needed someone to convey my situation to the doctor so that I wouldn’t kind of stare blankly and fail to communicate, because doctors were all too willing to assume nothing much was really wrong if not confronted with the extent of the symptoms. I’m really grateful to the people in my life who saw how much I was struggling and helped make this happen for me.

    4. Hugs. I am you, too. I have come to realize that he is not the same person I married – and he never will be that person again, there have been too many twists and turns in his life. He doesn’t want to get therapy because he came from a family that just Does Not Do That. I don’t want to be the person who issues an ultimatum and causes resentment because he is doing something just for me. I wish he could see how much the dark cloud affects our family.

       I’ve started therapy to figure out what I need, and what my own limits are, and have taken steps to stop enabling him. I suspect this is our last Christmas together, and I am terribly sad, but I also owe it to myself to not live under his dark cloud that I can’t fix and he seems to be okay with.

    5. No real advice but solidarity. My H is opposed to therapy but mentioned something once about anger management. My plan is to go to him (some time this week, hopefully). Here’s my script: “DH, I love you and am worried about you. It must be really hard to change jobs so much and have such a difficult time building friendly relationships. It’s hard for me to be around this too. You’ve mentioned taking an anger management class in the past which seemed like a good idea. I need you to reach out for some kind of help, be it anger management or something else. This is not negotiable for me any more.” Realistically, he will be angry. I’m not going to call a lawyer the next day no matter what he says but will give him a few days to process and try again. Anyway, I’m here to be your (virtual) accountability buddy if you need one (I’m using my therapist as one).

    6. I was in this situation several years ago. I told my spouse that I don’t care how long the process takes but I needed him to get help. I moved into a different room till he found a therapist. I was not going to live with him ignoring this big problem that has a huge impact on my quality of life. I was ready to leave if things didn’t change. My parents died young and lived unhappy lives and I have decided that I don’t want something similar. My spouse did get help and is a lot better. I don’t know how common it is. I think either you have to accept that this is your life or you have to be walk away.

    7. Ooof, this is hard. I’m the depressed (and anxious) partner and I think two important parts of managing the condition are (1) getting help even if you don’t want it (and recognizing that not wanting it is a symptom) and (2) accepting that if/when your partner says “you need help,” your partner is right basically 100% of the time because it is the nature of depression to gaslight you into thinking everything is fine and you are the problem. I’m sympathetic to you/DH but it sounds like he has a duty to the partnership that he’s not currently fulfilling. Sometimes part of being a good partner in this situation is fishing but sometimes you have to cut bait. I don’t know which one it is for you. Good luck from this internet stranger.

       1. From another married, depressed poster, this. He needs to be a good partner, and he’s not being one right now. When I was scared to first start taking meds years ago, the line of thinking that helped me was, “It doesn’t have to be forever. Try it and see if it helps. If it doesn’t do anything, you can quit taking it.” But not doing anything isn’t an option.

          1. Thank you for this perspective, anons 1259 and 311. It’s so hard to see what’s going on in my spouse’s head right now and it’s eye-opening to see the perspective from the other side.

    8. I would tell my depressed, massive alcoholic ex (aka John Smith) that the Smith Method of Sobriety™ wasn’t working, whenever he said that AA doesn’t work, or therapy doesn’t work. I’d say that you have to go to AA when it isn’t court-ordered, or therapy is not an instant thing (two or three sessions –“it’s not working!”) but takes time.

       I left him. Eighteen months later he killed himself. I’m just glad I wasn’t there any more. His mental health and sobriety were not my job nor my responsibility.

16. It’s open season for feds, so I have dental insurance conundrum for the hive. My pediatric dentist for my kids is close to home and pretty good. They take insurance A and B. My long time dentist is across town and only takes insurance C. The problem is – I have tried to find a new dentist under insurance A for myself that’s close to home and had 2 bad experiences (basically new dentist recommending a bunch of procedures on the first visit.) I TRUST my old dentist, have gone there for 10 years, only had 1 cavity in that whole time. I guess my options are: 1) Keeping trying to find new dentist I like under insurance A or B (this is hard and time intensive and I feel like it will be hard to develop the trust that I have built with old dentist); 2) keep my kids at the pediatric dentist close to home with insurance, but pay out of pocket/HSA for my visits with old dentist; 3) my old dentist also sees kids, but is not pediatric specialist, so just drag the whole family across town to my old dentist; 4) keep seeing new dentist near me that’s on the same insurance as my kids, but ignore / get second opinion for major procedures they recommend?

    1. I would do 2), especially if you do not have dental problems and have a healthy HSA.

    2. I think a long-term treatment relationship with a high level of trust is huge. Assuming your kids don’t require a pediatric dentist for specific issues, I’d call your dentist to see if scheduling can be done to make it as convenient as possible (ie, cleanings for all three of you at the same time) and switch your kids to your dentist.

       1. That is what I would do, too. A good dentist is hard to find!

          1. I switched my kid from a pediatric dentist to my fantastic dentist and wish I had done it sooner. We are usually able to get simultaneous appointments so it’s a huge time-saver.

17. I skied as a teen in the Northeast, where it is cold enough to have snow and we often had ice. I live in the SEUS and haven’t skied in decades. We don’t get snow and my understanding is that skiing in WVA or western NC or western VA can be slushy because it gets warm on sunny days. After a COVID hiatus, our church’s youth group has planned a skiing trip. For me and tweens that own no actual skiing clothes, what do we really need to avoid having a miserable time on a weekend ski trip (assuming we will go no often than one trip a year)? I know that the kids will need a lesson. I’m planning to maybe do the lesson with them if there aren’t any other newbies there, but can be happy sitting in the lodge with a second set of dry clothes if that is what might make the trip better for them. I used to like (not love) skiing, as skiing on ice was hard and falling on ice hurts. This was all pre-helmets — I assume you rent helmets where you rent your skiis and boots at the resort (but do you need to BYO goggles)?

    1. I’d start with using regular workout wear, the wicking stuff. Maybe some warm leggings. You probably want waterproof outer layers. If they have regular winter jackets, those would probably work. For pants, maybe they could get by with some kind of waterproof pants, not full on ski pants – like, maybe those track suit pants that make swishy noises?

       I haven’t been skiing in years and the last time was at a place in western MD. I dint think my ski pants fit anymore, so I’d probably try to find some cheaper waterproof outer layer and use my long sleeve exercise tops and winter weight leggings for an under layer. The key things are wicking under layers so if you sweat, you don’t stay wet, and water proof outer layers. Maybe consider investing in good ski gloves/mittens, as it’s miserable when your hands are cold.

    2. You need to bring goggles ski pants and warm socks. Helmets you rent. Don’t sit in the lodge with dry clothes lockers exist.

    3. Helmets can be rented with skis. They generally are mandatory for kids under 18 at every resort I’ve been to recently. And I can’t imagine skiing as an adult without one now (even though I did for 20+ years). Honestly, I’d probably go to Target today or online today and buy snow pants. Just regular old bibs. You can get them for cheap. Layer workout wear underneath. Ski socks or wool socks are worth it. Mittens or gloves can also be purchased from Target if this is a one time thing. For coats, just layer up. See if someone you know can loan them goggles.

    4. You need wetness protection. Kids can wear workout clothes with ski pants and a waterproof jacket on top with a fleece or similar under as an additional layer.

       Think late Feb/March skiing in the Northeast.

       They should have goggles and a helmet. Sunglasses will be pretty cold.

    5. I don’t think that you can rent helmets…and not everyone wears them, though a majority do. as far as clothing, don’t wear cotton, wear layers and wear fleece or wool, synthetics. Buy good gloves or mittens, and have fun!

       1. Well you are fully wrong! You can rent ski helmets everywhere.

       2. You can definitely rent helmets.
          Almost everyone I see skiing is wearing a helmet. Do not ski without a helmet.

       3. I think helmets are required for kids if they participate in ski school at most resorts in the US. And like others have said, you definitely can rent them.

    6. Every place I’ve skiied recently allows you to rent helmets. I’m not the biggest Safety Mom, but I would rent helmets for everyone without question. Head injuries are serious business.

       Honestly, I’d ask around and see if you can borrow ski pants for everybody. Skiing in wet clothes is miserable, and I’m willing to bet some church members have them sitting in their closets right now.

    7. Everyone here has good advice about water protection. Be forewarned, you may not actually see a lot of slush, you may see a lot of ice. We have very icy skiing here much of the time. (VA and PA resorts)

    8. You can and should rent helmets. I would look into renting skis and helmets from a ski shop near home and bringing them along. Renting at the resort will be more expensive, the rental line may be very long (last time we rented on the hill we waited an hour and a half), and sizes may be out of stock. Bringing skis and helmets from home reduces the stress and hassle and greatly improves the entire experience. Instead of shepherding antsy over-excited kids through the crowded rental shed, you can go directly to ski school and get them right on the snow.

       Everyone needs to bring:
       Wicking base layer top and bottom. No cotton. My kids wear workout leggings and long-sleeved workout tops.
       Tall thick synthetic or wool socks, preferably ski socks.
       Waterproof gloves or mittens. If anything is going to get soaked it will be the gloves, so bring backups if you have them.
       Goggles, including clear goggles if you will be doing night skiing
       Fleece midlayer.
       Fleece neck gaiter. Scarves are cumbersome to deal with.
       Water-resistant jacket with large zippered or velcro pockets.
       Water-resistant pants. In a pinch you can use old-school warmup pants or rain pants.

       Water-resistance is very important for all outer layers. If snow-making is going on, you will get water sprayed directly at you. Inner layers should be synthetic or wool. Nothing cotton. Do not have kids try out wool for the first time on a ski trip–if they don’t already have wool socks they love, go with synthetic. No cotton. And did I mention no cotton?

       Keep your phone in an interior pocket close to your body where it will stay warm so the battery lasts longer. If your kids, like mine, are the type to whine about the slightest discomfort, bring stick-on handwarmers and toe warmers. If kids may get separated from you and don’t have phones, make them wear watches and set a meeting time and place.

       Do not put a hat under the helmet, and have kids with long hair do a flat hairstyle like french braids to wear under the helmet. You don’t want anything interfering with the fit of the helmet.

       It’s worth investing in or borrowing the right clothing. Skiing while wet and cold is no fun and inevitably results in whining and an early departure. Skiing while warm (but not too hot!) and dry is just about the most fun a kid can have.

18. does anyone have leggings that actually don’t roll down? i’m willing to spend. i have some from athleta but they still roll down. are lululemon’s better?

    1. I’ve never had this, but I’m a pear. I feel like especially now, highwaisted leggings will never roll down on my because down = larger. So maybe it’s the one upside of being a pear? I wear Athleta / ON brands mainly.

    2. I only buy leggings with drawstrings now for this reason since my waist is smaller than my hips. Athleta’s Rainiers and the Lululemon Aligns have this.

    3. If they are rolling down, they don’t fit you. It’s not the brand, it’s the fit. Try on higher waisted and see if that helps. Or go up a size.

    4. I only had one pair of leggings that rolled down on my body shape – Gap. Those are now banished to spinning workouts only. I have never had Nike leggings roll down or create any other problem for me.

    5. I love my lululemons (sorry! I know they’re pricy.) there are still some good deals, albeit wonky colors.

    6. Old Navy leggings work very well for me, much better than any more expensive kind. I’d say I’m a small pear – I carry weight in my hips and thighs, but the difference between my waist and hips is such that I can wear most pants, especially curvy fit styles, without a problem.

    7. Lululemon is the best and absolutely worth the price.

    8. What will you be using them for? I only use leggings for exercise and just can’t tolerate pulling them up constantly. A drawcord is a must. Lululemon fit me much better than Athleta. If you are curvy Lululemon also has a curvy version of the Wundertrain. My 2 favorites are the Wundertrain and Fast & Free. Aligns for lounging but I wouldn’t wear them for exercise.

19. i need to get a new kindle. mine has been acting up a lot and i realized it was purchased in 2013/2014 and is no longer supported. do i want a paperwhite or a paperwhite signature? how many GB do I need? with or without lockscreen ads? (what are those?)

    1. I got the one with ads because it was cheaper. Usually it doesn’t bother me but if you often leave it laying around in front of other people, do know the ads are for what look like typical romance novels. Lots of sultry faces and ridiculous titles, and it looks like those books are what I’m reading at the moment. I don’t care enough to upgrade, but you may feel differently!

       1. I think the ads are targeted. I have never gotten an ad for a romance novel. I have also never read or purchased one. Not judging in any way, just saying I don’t think they are willynilly advertising to people.

          1. Definitely possible! I read a lot of contemporary romance (meet cutes, Jasmine Guillory type books). So, similar, but to me there’s a big difference in that showing on a cover versus what the ads are!

    2. Recently did this. Paper white, with lock screen ads (when you wake up your kindle, you see an ad for a book. No ads while reading). You can get a 20% discount by sending in your old kindle.

       1. thanks! my old kindle is actually too old to even get a discount. but it is on sale for cubermonday

    3. I just use the iPad app. No, it’s not great outside, but that’s a limited use case for me and most of the time I’m inside when I’m reading. And at the beach, I prefer magazines anyway.

       1. Similar, I prefer physical books and I use the Kindle app on my phone for the rare occasions I’m without a real book.

    4. I have a 2018 paperwhite and think it’s just fine. One note about the ads – they are specifically targeted to what you like to read. So if you’re like me and enjoy romance novels, you’re going to get pretty cheesy and sometimes embarrassing ads on your lockscreen. I have a front cover for this reason.

    5. Regarding Ads– the with-ads version is cheaper and you can contact Ama zon to remove the ads for free. I literally just said, “I don’t like the ads, can you remove them?” and they did no questions asked.

    6. FWIW, I went from an old (c. 2008) version with side buttons to a touchscreen version, and hated the touchscreen so much that I bought a refurbished older version with buttons. (The ability to turn pages forward and backward easily with right or left hand, and not have to contort my thumb to the exact right spot that turns the page but doesn’t accidentally tap on and highlight a word? Priceless.)

       The Oasis, I believe, has this functionality if you want a new one, but of course that’s the most expensive.

    7. i bought the Kindle Paperwhite 8GB during Prime Day. When you go to use your device, there is an ad displaying a book recommendation. I just swipe up to start reading. I mainly read library books through Libby and it’s been very easy to use. I also got the Fintie Slimshell Case. Battery lasts a long time. I’m really happy with it.

    8. New York Times’ Wirecutter recommends Kindle Paperwhite Kids Ebook Reader (Generation 11) and so do I. It’s on sale right now for $105. It includes a cover. You can remove the included kids library from it, turn off the parental controls, and use it like any other kindle.

    9. I love my Kindle Paperwhite, which I received as a Christmas present last year. Mine doesn’t have ads, and I think it’s worth $20 to see the cover of what I’m reading instead of an ad.

       I don’t think extra storage is necessary for most readers. 8 GB holds around 4000 books or 35 audiobooks. Your Amazon purchases (and Libby/Overdrive loans that you send to Kindle) are stored in the cloud, and you can manage your downloads anytime you connect to your Kindle to the internet.

       Besides extra storage, the Paperwhite Signature has wireless charging and auto-adjust lighting. I don’t miss either of these features with my regular Paperwhite and wouldn’t pay $35 for them if you’re getting the Paperwhite with ads. If you’re already paying not to have ads, the Signature is only $15 more, and maybe those features will be convenient on occasion.

20. I need new pots and pans – suggestions please! The kicker is that we currently have an electric stove but plan to upgrade to induction in the next 2-3 years — but we really need new pots like, yesterday. So we need something that will work with induction eventually but also DH wants something that is really easy to clean (and he does most of the cleaning, so it’s important). Otherwise I would just get all-clad stainless, but he vetoed stainless due to the extra cleaning effort. Where should I be looking?

    1. You can get nonstick that works with induction! I like nonstick skillets but stainless is fine for saucepans, which don’t tend to be too hard to clean. (Cast iron is also hard to clean, IMO, just because it has to be treated differently and is heavy to work with in the sink). https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/reviews/best-nonstick-pan/#our-pick-for-induction-cooktops-tramontina-tri-ply-base-10-inch-nonstick-fry-pan

    2. I’m confused — what is easier to clean than stainless?

       1. Nonstick!

          1. Nonstick is a huge pain to clean because the finish is so delicate. If something gets stuck on there, how do you get it off without scratching up the nonstick finish? They’re basically disposable pans.

    3. I still have every piece of the Calphalon set I bought in 1997. I have added some nonstick pieces over time and they are also in excellent condition. I can’t speak to how they are on induction and I will say you should get a pasta/soup pot that heats up faster than Calphalon.

       1. To clarify, I mean I have added non-stick Calphalon, which I have found to be very durable.

    4. Haha there is no extra cleaning effort with All Clad. Get the All Clad, there is nothing better.

    5. All Clad D5! I LOVE mine, and can confirm they work on an induction range.

    6. I’m confused as to why stainless steel requires more cleaning? Soak in soapy water if it’s caked, and a sprinkle of Barkeeper’s Friend and a scrubby sponge have so far removed even the most burned residue.
       I don’t like non-stick cookware personally as the coating can get damaged when you’re not super careful, and then it’s not terribly healthy to eat the coating particles coming off your pan.

    7. Since he has “vetoed” stainless and will be responsible for cleaning, perhaps he should pick what he wants to clean? Sorry, I know this is not helpful. However, being able to use steel wool on my pots and having a couple of not-too-expensive non-stick pans for eggs is the best combo of easy to clean that I can think of.

       1. This is what I do. And yes, I stick everything but the egg pan in the dishwasher. I’ve had my All Clad since 1998 so I don’t need anyone scolding me that I’m going to ruin it! It’s as good as new.

    8. I wouldn’t buy a set. Stainless steel is great for some cooking jobs, and with the right level of heat and enough cooking oil, it should be a breeze to clean. Nonstick and cast iron are both easy to clean, but as cooking vessels have their pros and cons and do have to be treated with a little more care.

21. I need wardrobe inspiration – favorite insta accounts for affordable biz casual and weekend wear? Preferably age 30s/40s.

    Affordable is key – I want to be able to see something I like and click buy on Target or whatever. Dealing with some weight fluctuations and need some new clothes that fit in my current size but really don’t enjoy shopping and short on time.

    1. JillGG. https://goodlifeforless.blogspot.com/?m=1
       CapHillStyle

    2. So Susie Wright
       Extra Petite
       Fashion Jackson
       See Anna Jane

    3. the.summer.lawyer

    4. Putting Me Together
       Pumps and Push Ups

    5. LifeWithJazz is another good source for affordable clothes. She regularly features a lot of things from Target and Amazon in addition to the classic brands like AT, BR, and J Crew.

    6. I like Loverly Grey! She has a mix of price points but does a lot of Target/Loft

    7. The Other MK is great! Mostly casual wear but some could be good for work too. Almost everything is from Old Navy/Am@zon/Nordstrom Rack etc.
       Two Scoops of Style does an “update this millennial outfit” series that I’ve found helpful.

    8. I love Respect the Shoes.

22. This was me this spring. I ended up with the Kindle Oasis. I like it quite a bit. I see they came out with new paper whites though after I bought the Oasis, so not sure how they currently all line up.

    Whatever you do, just get it. I thought wayyyyyyy too long about it; it ended up being a purchase I stalled out on in decision paralysis. I use my Kindle daily so it was a dumb thing to fight for so long.

    1. +1 – I adore my Oasis.

       1. is this because you like the buttons/waterproof feature?

          1. Yes, mainly the buttons and that I can flip it to hold in either hand and the screen will flip around so that the buttons can be on either side. I lay on my side a lot so this is key! The waterproof feature has come in handy a couple times though, I’m a chronic drink spiller.

23. Help me resolve a disagreement with DH about tipping culture. He tips well at restaurants but doesn’t believe in tipping for basically anything else. I tip our household service people at the holidays: house cleaner, lawn service, trash collection, etc. This also comes up on vacation: valet, room service, bell hop, drivers, tour guides. He doesn’t think any of these people should get tips.

    I’m not a fan of tipping culture, I think people should be paid a fair wage, and employers shouldn’t cost shift to consumers and then blame the employee/customer/both if the employee doesn’t make enough. But the system is what it is and the only person hurt by lack of tips is the employee (and perhaps us, if our people think we don’t value them! Or if we get bad service! Like the first year I lived in a sfh, my trash didn’t get picked up for 3 weeks because I didn’t realize I was supposed to tip). DH feels he’s already paying for the service and as long as the worker isn’t getting less than minimum wage because they rely on tips, then he shouldn’t be expected to tip; he also doesn’t think that most people tip like I do. I don’t like being in the position to essentially defend tipping culture to him; I don’t agree with it either but it’s a thing and if we want people to know we appreciate them then we have to do this. Anyone else have this dispute at home? I’d really like to stop having the same disagreement every holiday season and vacation!

    1. I think you are right and your husband is wrong.
       That said, I’ve never tipped sanitation workers. Whoops.

       1. Agree. I wouldn’t even know how to do that! Run out in my slippers and pajamas with cash when I hear them first thing in the morning? And we have three different city services – trash, recycling, and compost/yard waste.

          1. We just have two different services – trash and recycling – and from what I can tell, there is not a regular “route,” they just send trucks to our neighborhood and I don’t ever see the same people twice. So I don’t feel like that warrants a tip? If I am just going to be tipping that set of workers for perhaps that one time they’ve picked up at my house?

    2. I don’t tip trash collection people (I don’t think it’s common to do so in my area), but I do tip my housekeeper, hairstylist, and people in the service industry like bellhops, etc. I hate tipping culture in the US and wish everyone was just paid a living wage. I also understand that this is how the world is right now, and I like that my hair stylist will work with me GLADLY on scheduling, which I think is partially due to generous tipping. My SO was in the service industry forever, so he tips A LOT all the time without hesitation.

    3. I would handle this by just tipping myself and not discussing it with him. I wouldn’t hide it, but tips don’t have to be a team decision. If he feels the need to discuss/argue after he sees you do it, say you’re doing it for yourself – it’s worth it to you to feel kind and generous and comfortable. But generally, I just would stop making this a thing you talk about and just do what you feel comfortable with.

    4. If you signed a contract for trash removal and the company refuses to perform because they want more money, the solution is not to meekly hand it over.

       Your DH has a very good point. I tip housekeeping a few dollars because they make such bad money that tips make a big difference in their income. I do, however, understand that a lot of “tipping culture” is a class marker – wealthy people tip out far more service providers than middle class people do. Did your DH grow up differently than you did?

       1. This. How are you even supposed to tip the trash collectors? They come while we’re at work and if we just left money outside, there’s no way it would be there when the trash got picked up many hours later. It sounds like some sort of racket to refuse service unless you tip.

       2. They resumed collection when I called to complain; they claimed they hadn’t been able to get through because of the weather. Funny how they managed to get to every other house. It was infuriating but after asking around I learned that literally everyone in the neighborhood tips something, even if it’s only $5. They leave it in a card taped to the top of the can. Periodically I see people on Nextdoor saying someone stole the tips. It’s never happened in my neighborhood afaik but I make sure to tip on the same day as everyone else so the collectors know if the tips are all missing it’s because they were stolen not because I didn’t tip.

       3. I don’t know much about paying for trash pickup but if they didn’t pick up my trash for three weeks I’d be less inclined to tip!

          1. +1

             Totally.

             This sounds like Chicago-style extortion.

    5. I’m in between you guys. I tip our cleaning service at the holidays and I tip tour guides and valets when we travel but I’ve never tipped sanitation workers (and never had any issue with trash getting picked up) or housekeeping in hotels (I don’t use bellhops).
       I agree the solution here is you continue tipping if you want, but don’t worry about what he does when you’re not there.

    6. I never understood the vast increase on who expects tips now. In the 80s, the Los Angeles Times used to run an annual article on tipping culture in Latin American countries. I guess it was to encourage us to give a month’s pay at Christmas time to the gardeners and cleaners. I do tax returns, and the first one or two times a new client paid me, they overpaid, and when I asked said it was a tip! Um, nice, kinda weird, but not necessary.

    7. This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry does a stand up routine on the tip jar at cash register type places. “I think we’re tipping people now just for the absence of outright hostility. Thanks very much, and here’s a little something extra for not taking my head and smashing my face through the glass counter-top. Really good service here!”

24. Another gift idea request: ideas for a travel related gift, stocking stuffer or bigger?
    We are taking an international plane trip for the first time since 2019, and I want to get my husband something that will be fun/useful/helpful for the trip. What are your indispensable travel things?

    1. Some random ideas – luggage tags, sleep mask, noise cancelling headphones, ear plugs, new clothes specific to the destination, packing cubes, toiletry kit, and as a total fangirl, literally anything Tom Bihn.

    2. Cooling eye gels that depuff and make me feel more awake when fighting jet lag!

    3. I got my husband nice sunglasses that I know he wants and will use during our January trip

       Also +1 to earbuds or noise canceling headphones. They are the best for traveling with. I love my over the ear Bose headphones on planes, but didn’t take them on my last couple flights because my AirPods were so much easier to carry.

    4. Plug adapters! I have a multicountry one that’s pretty neat (basically it’s a cube with the different prongs you can slide out to fit the various outlets.

25. Has anyone traveled with Intrepid, G Adventures, or Flashpack Adventures? Curious what the vibe of the trip was like, how your fellow travelers were, and whether you thought it was worth the price.

    1. I went on a G Adventures/NatGeo tour just prepandemic, on the theory that the NatGeo part meant I would not be the ancient one at 40. I’d say it was all stuff I could’ve planned myself but it was nice to not have to do the arranging and to have people with me. For some of the local tours and experiences it was 100% not anything special though they tried to make it sound that way. The people were generally ok—but we had I think 9 people and it could’ve been up to 16(?) which would’ve been way too many. There was an older couple (60s), a woman in her 70s, a few people around my age and one slightly younger couple—a few were a little weird but mostly cool.

    2. I haven’t used those specific companies but I’m not a fan of organized tours in general. They tend to not put together the best itineraries. My dad and I did an organized tour to Cuba because it’s complicated to visit there legally without a tour, and our favorite part of the whole trip was the day we ditched the tour and walked around Havana by ourselves – not exactly a great endorsement for the tour company. We also hated the restaurants they chose and had our only good meal on the “free” night where you arranged your own meal at an independent restaurant, although I know that may be more of a Cuba thing than a tour company thing (the state-run restaurants in Cuba are not good).

    3. A close friend has done several tours with G Adventures and speaks highly of them. I’ve heard good things about Intrepid as well. I like planning trips and when I’ve looked at those, it seems you are paying a lot for the convenience and often the lodging is not that great. However, if you’re looking to travel solo or somewhere you’d be more comfortable in a group I think it’s a good idea.

       Pre-pandemic, I had a deposit on a Tanzania trip with G Adventures but that trip was obviously canceled and with life changes, the trip probably won’t happen for several years if at all. They seem to be good about the lifetime deposit guarantee where you can move it to another trip if you’d like.

    4. I’ve really enjoyed my two trekking trips with G Adventures (Tour du Mont Blanc and Patagonia). Both were very active trips with full days of hiking almost every day. That may have influenced the crowd, which was mostly singles and couples/friend pairs, wide age range of late 20s – 60s, generally fit and enthusiastic and fun/good-natured. On both trips some people drank alcohol and others didn’t, no problems or conflicts there. The guides and the organization have been great in both cases and I felt the value was good. You are expected to provide tips especially for local staff. I’m now 43 and would go on another hiking trip with them, but am not sure about the vibe of the mixed activity trips.

26. My finances are in bad shape. I’m in the black, but I just feel like I have no idea how much money I have, where it is, and when my deadlines are (estimated tax payments, credit cards, medical bills, you name it). I don’t make enough money to not know this stuff- I make about 90k in a MCOL area. I’m in my 30s and ever since the pandemic things have felt off the rails.

    Does anyone have any suggestions for where to start? I probably have checking and savings accounts at 4-5 banks, I think I have 4 credit cards, I have a 401k but don’t know how much is in it or even how to look… seriously I don’t know what happened here, I’m embarrassed and looking for practical advice.

    1. Something that was very eye opening for me was using Mint: it gave me a place to look at all my finances together and really get a picture of what kind of shape I was in. Not sure if you’re already using a service like that but it might be worth it. I might also ask yourself why your money is spread out across so many places – have you been trying to take advantage of higher interest rates? Did it just kind of happen when you moved to a new place years back? Do you really need X checking accounts and Y savings accounts, or could you consolidate some of those? I could go on and on about suggestions for what you can do to get back on top but I think that figuring out what and where all your accounts are first is the best step to take. Make an excel spreadsheet or list with due dates and interest rates to help you if that’s more your speed. Once you can see the while picture it may be easier to determine your next steps!

       In terms of your 401K, do you know the institution it is held at? I “lost” an account when I changed my name and had great luck calling the institution up and getting help with tracking it back down again.

    2. I would start by consolidating checking accounts and paying all your bills through that one account.

       Make a list of all your bills and due dates. You could set up automatic payments.

       Do you need to make estimated tax payments? I just file my federal and state taxes once a year. Local taxes come out of my paycheck.

       I just use one credit card (Chase Sapphire Reserve) and pay off the balance each month. I do have a debit and credit card through my credit union, but I stick to using one card.

       Also, have money automatically deducted from your paycheck and put a set amount into a savings account each month.

    3. You’re doing better than you think! Your problem is organization, which is an easy-ish fix. First up is to find all your account and sign on information. Then figure out what you have to do to move money around. This can be tricky. Start with the easiest bits and narrow them down to the trickier ones. Pick which bank you want to be your primary; they usually have investment advisors who can help figure out what paperwork you need to do to transfer money from other accounts into your preferred bank.

    4. I don’t blame you for getting lost with so many accounts! Agree with anon that it should be a great start to start mostly using one checking account and one credit card. Assuming your paycheck comes into one account, think of this as your main account, and if it has a connected credit card, this will now be your main card.
       Next I would figure out any unpaid items. Make a list on paper or a spreadsheet on the computer. Each of your credit cards gets a line of it’s own. Write down a line item for estimated tax payments, medical bills and other things you think might be unpaid. This step is just to get them all down on the page so you can stop mental juggling. It’s ok not to remember exact amount or other details right away. Once you have a list of items that you owe, now starts the process of researching the details on each. Log into every credit card and write down the unpaid balance for each. Search paper mail, or email for medical bills and other bills, write out amount and deadlines for each. Look up when to pay estimated tax and how much it might be. If you used to have a good handle on this pre-pandemic, maybe you can copy what you used to do then. If this is very overwhelming, maybe getting an accountant for now is a good idea.
       Then do the same for money you own in different places. Personally, I would ignore the 401k for now. Just log into each checking account, and add up what you have.
       Then you need to look at what you have, what you owe, and how you can pay it down (can’t really give you specifics here since I don’t know the details). Then you need to make a plan for staying on top of things and not find yourself here again. If you are indeed in the black, this may just be a matter of using only one checking account and one cc, so things don’t go missing as easily and you feel more in control. Or, it may be a matter of creating an actual budget and saving regularly, if you have been overspending, or if you have certain financial goals that you want to reach.
       Lastly, KUDOS for tackling this situation head-on and asking for help! Future You is giving you a high-five!

       1. Thank you so much. I’m not OP but this is so helpful.

27. I could use some travel advice. What is the shortest amount of time you’d travel to Edinburgh from NYC?

    My partner has very limited time off due to his school schedule. We’re dying to see friends of ours who live there and could host us, and this is a “now or not for some time” kind of thing because we’re expecting a baby in late spring. Between newborn summer months and his fall semester, we likely won’t be able to swing internat’l travel again until Dec. 2023–and then it will obviously be at a slower pace. TIA for your thoughts! I’d also accept any tips about travel while preg–I’m early in the second tri and feeling great if that matters.

    1. Long weekend! Fly out Wednesday after work, return on Sunday.

       1. +1. I’d do this, and in fact have done it for Paris.

    2. Very person dependent, I’d say my answer would be I’d do it for a weekend because I’d rather have the experience than not. From NYC, it’s not that long of a flight, I’d personally fly out Friday and fly home Monday for a full weekend there. I think it’s worth spending money on travel and to see people.

    3. Congrats! You’re right, travel with a kid is possible but definitely a slower pace. And seeing a city when you have loal friends to show you around is a very different experience than just visiting as a tourist.

       I think I’m in the minority here in terms of being up for longer travel times for shorter time spent at the destination, but I would go for 3-4 days. If you go out Friday night after work on a redeye and come home Tuesday, it would definitely be worth it to me to see your friends. I’d even consider doing it if I had to come home Monday, although that’s probably more iffy, especially if you don’t sleep well on planes and will lose a lot of Saturday to exhaustion. It would also depend on flight prices and if you can find a good deal. I would hesitate to spend >$1k for just a few days but I don’t know if you can get flights right now for under $1k. When we were looking for this summer, we were seeing $1,500-$2k economy tickets for most European destinations. Winter is probably cheaper though, especially to Scotland.

    4. I would do a Fri-Mon easily for this!

    5. I’d fly out Wednesday night and return Sunday.

    6. That’s a short flight – I’d go for a long weekend (arrival day, 2 full days, fly home ).

    7. You could easily do this in a long weekend. Fly Thursday night and return Sunday (or fly Friday night and return Monday if you want to be there all weekend). It is a short flight from NYC. For reference, I just checked and the United flight lands at 7:40am, so you really would have a full day there on your arrival day.

       1. Really good point about the timing of redeye arrival making a difference in the arrival day–I didn’t think of that.

          I appreciate the encouragement from you all! I know it’ll be a bit tiring–not to mention winter in Scotland is not the ideal weather–but we’ve never been and want to find a way to make this work if schedule and budget allow. :)

    8. I would easily go for a long weekend, like Thursday red eye and return Sunday night. Preferably I’d upgrade to business for the flight there and take something to knock me out.

    9. Since you’d be visiting friends, I’d totally do this over just a long weekend, especially since you can get direct flights from NYC. It’s not a long flight from NYC to Edinburgh-leave on the Thursday night redeye, arrive Friday morning, fly out Sunday or even Monday. Think of it this way–would you go to California for a long weekend? If so, go to Edinburgh, it’s roughly the same flight time. The only thing that might deter me is the cost of plane tickets right now in that dropping $1000+ for flights for 3 days is painful.

    10. I would definitely go even if it is only for a long weekend. The high cost of flights could be offset by not paying for a hotel and cheaper meals at home. Plus, it’s super important to see friends and family especially after covid isolation.

    11. I’d go for a long weekend. And if you can travel there together and then partner returns and you stay for a few more days (either off or working remotely during day and exploring at night if that’s permitted), or even bop to another city nearby, I would do it. Travel after a new baby is hard and especially so for the birth parent so take the vacation while you can.

28. Looking for advice on a professional faux pas I committed. In January 2022, I applied to several jobs. In March 2022, I received an email from a recruiter at Company A asking if I would give my availability so she could arrange 3 interviews with 3 different people. I was already in the process of negotiating and accepting a role at Company B. I opened the recruiter’s email, and noted to myself that I should reply and say thank you, that I was no longer looking, etc. to be polite, especially since Company A is a top employer in my field, but alas, I never did.

    Fast forward to now. The role I took with Company B isn’t working out. I’m job searching again and noticed that Company A posted the same role again (it’s large company so highly unlikely it’s literally the same role, more likely that they are adding another team member). I applied last night. Since I already have the email address of a recruiter (and confirmed via LinkedIn that she is still there), I’d love to use that “in” to see if I can get chosen for interviews again. But I don’t even know what to say given how rude it was of me to not answer her initial email back in March. Do I reply to that email? Do I email her as a fresh email? More importantly, what do I even say?

    1. I would apply for the job through the app or wherever you have seen the job post. I would not write to the recruiter directly, and if, then it would be a fresh email.
       To be honest, I think the way your relationship ended was rude. I understand there might have been some extenuating circumstances, but I would have expected you to apologize to the recruiter the moment you have realized your mistake. Doing so 8 months later seems weird.
       I still remember a candidate who was interviewed for a very important role in my organization, she has accepted the offer and 1-2 weeks before starting date, she cancelled her commitment. She had very good reasons, but I know for a fact that this ruined her credibility & trust in the organization and there was a comment next to her candidate profile on this incident in case of future recruitments.
       Not saying this is your case, just sharing my experience.
       I would apply, but would not count on getting a call-back, and I wold keep looking for other offers.

       1. +1 – just start over. It may not be the same recruiter working the role anyway, but no good can come of reminding them you ghosted.

       2. +2

       3. OP here. Trust me, I know it was rude, that’s why I’m wondering if there is anything I can do. “I would have expected you to apologize to the recruiter the moment you have realized your mistake.” This is the moment I’m realizing…I had forgotten all about it until now when I saw another posting. I guess I won’t reach out.

       4. +3, unfortunately.

    2. I wouldn’t reach out because at this point you’re only apologizing bc you want something. Better to let the recruiter think her original email went to spam than to admit at this point that you saw it but (inadvertently or not) blew it off.

29. I’m leaving my job this week after 10+ years. I’ve had this laptop/email account/cell phone attached to my hip for years and it feels weird to let them go. What I should do to prepare?

    1. Make sure you have all your passwords for any personal accounts you’ve logged into on your work computer or phone. Change any of your accounts that are linked to the email, phone number, or address you’re about to lose.

    2. Make sure you email yourself all work product that you think you might want access to later. I forgot to do this and will probably eventually have to download everything off of PACER which is time consuming and expensive.

30. People that commute by public transit or walking, what are your backpack recommendations? I’d like something that looks sleek and professional but also holds a fair bit as I often bring food or stuff to return, etc.
    Budget $150ish and no leather, please.

    1. I have a Tumi which is obviously out of budget, but before this, I used a Victorinox and liked it a lot. It held up well for probably 4 years of hard, daily use. Victorinox Victoria looks like the closest to what I used to have. I’d probably pay a bit more for the one that looks like it fits more ($225 for the “deluxe” version), but Amazon has the classic Victoria on sale for $147.

    2. Lululemon City Adventurer backpack has been perfect. Laptop, workout clothes, lunch, wallet, etc

    3. I have the Transit backpack from Everlane that fits the bill. I don’t commute by foot, but it’s been great for traveling!

31. Hi all, I just got back into riding horses and am wondering if anyone has recommendations for online tack shopping? I need to pick up a few things, and our local tack store went out of business. I found Stateline but I recall they were not the best quality. Where are my horse people shopping? TIA!

    1. Generally SmartPak. I like European breeches/show jackets and order them through a UK tack store called Amira Equi to get better prices.

    2. Smartpak or Dover mainly. I think Smartpak has better service.

    3. Dover and Smartpak. Dover tends to be the more expensive of the two, but check both because it will vary by item. Dover has lower free shipping thresholds, though. Also sign up for their mailing lists, because I swear there are always deals.

       1. +1.

       2. Oh, and also Tractor Supply, though this is more for supplies than tack. I usually pick stuff up in person, but they do have an online option and are often cheaper because it’s, you know, Tractor Supply instead of a horse-specific store (I swear “horse” adds 20% to the cost)

    4. Smartpak wins over Dover hands down for customer service and free shipping on orders over a certain amount.
       For European brand gears, check out Calevo. Cheaper than buying the same in the US, and you don’t pay VAT.
       For really nice fancy stuff like riding clothes, saddle pads and boots, check out PS of Sweden. :)

    5. I’ve had great luck with Tack of the Day, or Smartpak. I also have had fantastic luck with Dressage Extensions customer service. Do you have a local feed store? Depending on what you need they may have it (brushes, buckets, etc). Otherwise, I too am a fan of all the euro sites. If you have time check out Equizone, Equinavia, Asmer Noel…I could go on depending on what you need!

32. Footwear advice please! I’m traveling to South America from Boston in mid December. My feet often get very swollen on flights, to the point that it’s hard to get my shoes back on, even the soft stretchy slip on sketchers I usually wear when flying. All the stretches, water, and periodic walks to the lavatory put hardly a dent in it. Do compression socks really help with swelling? How do I chose the best ones? Also, I could use some strap on sandals for this trip anyway so I am thinking of killing two birds with one stone and getting some Tevas (adjustable straps) , which I would wear with socks for the flight and without for swimming/ river rafting. I figure this will be more comfortable when my feet swell and I can tighten as needed later. Big question here is: how do I live down/live with myself committing the fashion crime that is socks with sandals? Any other downsides I might be missing? TIA!

    1. I vote wear the sandals with socks and rock it. Personally I wear my Birkenstock Arizonas with socks when I travel all the time, zero shame. Plus, look, the cool youths are doing it now! https://www.whowhatwear.com/socks-and-sandals/slide10

    2. Check out the blog Travel Fashion Girl. I’ve seen lots of shoe recommendations and packing ideas for different destinations.

    3. I like Bombas compression socks but anything 20-30 will work. I just put them on once I’m on the plane. Zero people notice or care about socks and sandals on a plane.

    4. Compression socks do help–they get super uncomfortable after a while, but if you are asleep you can keep them on. The tevas with socks will look fine, don’t worry about it. I just bought some randomly on the river site, and they are fine. Sounds like a great trip!

    5. Compression socks def work. I started using Bombas last year and am amazed. Zero puff even tr-nsAtlantic.

    6. Hi this was me when I commuted cross country (US) every week for work.

       Get up to use the bathroom no less frequently than every two hours. My doctor made me promise to do this to avoid blood clots and swelling and he was right. It really did help with the swelling.

       Don’t eat salty foods on the plane or before your flight. Things taste blander in the air so it will sucks but salt is the enemy here.

       Wear good old fashioned compression knee highs, the kind from the drugstore or higher compression from a medical supply store. I put them on right before the flight and cannot wait to get them off right after, but they really work.

       One thing you might look into if you have short legs is one of those foot slings that hang from the tray table, just to get a little elevation for your feet.

    7. yes, wear compressions socks!!! solves the swelling issue. just order some light or medium compression ones to start off Amazon, and make sure they go to below the knee.

    8. COmpression socks are life changing for long haul flights.

33. I know the LE tees have gotten good recommendations here, and I wanted to take advantage of their sale today. Are the “relaxed supima tees” the ones everyone likes? I’m looking for something I can wear under a blazer, so need something sort of fitted.

34. Looking for recommendations for men’s socks that aren’t too precious/expensive for someone who refuses to wear slippers and walks around in his socks!

    1. Bombas are the best. Pricey but this might be a good time to get them.

       1. Out of the price range for someone this destructive on socks! But maybe for me…

          1. I’ve mentioned this before, but they have a lifetime guarantee! It’s one reason both my and DH’s socks all come from Bombas now. Maybe once a year a sock develops a hole, I email the company, they send a replacement pair. It’s worth the upfront cost to me.

    2. Please enlighten me – what’s wrong with walking around in socks? Not trying to start any wars between sock wearers and slipper lovers, just curious.

       1. He wears holes in the heels of his socks pretty frequently. In the spirit of Christmas I’m just going to give him new socks instead of scolding him for walking around in them!

          But the holes in the socks and the fact that they’re slippery on wood floors and especially hardwood stairs – that’s why.

          1. That’s so funny – your critiques are the opposite of our house. Our wood floors are beautiful and flawless because we have been buffing them with our socks for decades. Never wear slippers. It’s not like your husband is running in the house like a slippery 5 year old, or an unsteady 80 year old, yes?

             Also, wearing holes in the heels is not because of him walking without slippers. I also wear-out my socks in my heels, and it is because of the shape of my foot and the way I walk. They actually wear out faster when I wear shoes/slippers because of the little slip and slide inside the shoe + friction.

             He just needs to buy socks more often and maybe use moisturizer on his heels if his skin dries out and gets rough in winter. If this is the kind of stuff you get irritated by and scold your husband for well….. you must have a pretty nice life (and nice husband…. I would be irritated with you telling me how to walk!).

             I wear-out holes in the heels of my Boombas, and have already replaced them once so they don’t work well for me. Darned tough etc.. are better

35. Book recommendations for recovering evangelicals? My mom and her husband are super hardcore, and so I partially grew up in that environment. My dad also had joint custody and he is not at all religious, so I never felt like I fully believed or was all in. That said, the extreme conservatism and worldview has definitely left its mark on me in ways I am trying to understand and undo.

    any recs that fit that bill?

    1. So are you still personally religious or not? If you are, I would recommend Rachel Held Evans’ work or the Holy Post podcast. There is a pretty rich community now of Christian ex-evangelicals working through their experiences and developing a faith life that is healthier than many of the communities they grew up in, but those would be good starting points.

       If you are not or are not looking for resources specifically from a Christian perspective, Kristin de Mez’s book Jesus and John Wayne is pretty good.

    2. I found the book “Educated” really enlightening. It’s written by a woman who grew up in an extremely religious family who didn’t believe in modern medicine or education. She breaks away and chronicles her experience of learning to live on her own and get an education.

       1. +1 to Educated. I also grew up in a staunchly conservative home and Real American, on top of being wonderfully written, helped me understand race in the US in a way I hadn’t before.

       2. Counterpoint: I think Educated says a lot more about mental illness than religion, and would not recommend to help somebody feel more free.

    3. No specific book recs, but I have a few songwriters who resonate with me in this area and I can play their songs over and over again: Maddie Zahm (You Might Not Like Her and If It’s Not God), Arielle Estoria (Glorious, Who Told You), and Kelsey Edwards (Life in A Box).

       1. Also, Glennon Doyle on spirituality is quite interesting. Her books, specifically Untamed, would be good.

    4. This isn’t a self-help book, but Leaving Isn’t the Hardest Thing by Lauren Hough may be just what you need. It’s a collection of autobiographical essays by a woman who grew up in a Christian cult, and even when her family left the cult, they adopted an extreme version of evangelical Christianity. She’s gay, which put her at odds with all of it from the start. Her writing is simple and beautiful, and her insights are often deep.

       If you have access to the NY Times, she wrote an guest essay last week after the Colorado Springs shooting called This Holiday, I’m Going to a Gay Bar.

    5. The Great S3x Rescue, if purity culture got you. It is written for evangelicals, in the sense of “you can love Jesus and not believe this other garbage,” but I think it would also help a former evangelical.

    6. I’ve seen Instagram accounts dedicated to exactly what you describe, but the names escape me. You might search the hashtag #exvangelical to find some that speak to you.

    7. Thanks all. I was never personally religious (and am still not) but I still notice things like purity culture influencing my thinking, some things around hierarchy etc.

       I’ll check these out!

       1. Also try the Exvangelical podcast (I listen on stitcher). Very thought provoking, lots of stories on how/why people left or changed their faith, and also he invites scholars, authors and other people who have both anecdata and researched information to discuss various topics. I don’t have a specific episode for you, but I’ve found it to be a great resource I can listen and learn (and still keep my reading time reserved for, ehem, all the glorious sci fi, fantasy and mystery fiction I like to read for fun). Note that he discusses various books so you may discover a book or five from the podcast that would be helpful for you.

       2. I’m the anon at 12:08 – another podcast you might enjoy is The Modesty Files (which is a woman interviewing women about their firsthand experiences with purity culture). And you might like the episode of The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill podcast on the book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye.” I remain a devout Christian, but no longer evangelical, and those were helpful to me in unpacking my experiences with 1990s purity culture.

    8. One that doesn’t specifically address “recovering” from evangelicalism, but talks about looking at the bible from a different view that I really enjoyed was How The Bible Works by Peter Enns. This would be great is they’re still somewhat religious, spiritual, or interested in those topics. The author is Christian and a bible scholar, and discusses the historical context of the bible, the views of those who wrote it and those depicted in it, and how it is relevant (or not) today. A great not-preachy discussion of how maybe, a literal word-for-word interpretation of the bible is not very productive, or sometimes, accurate.

36. Asking here instead of the moms board since there are more parents with older kids over here: How do you deal with the amount of conflict in the household when you have a new teenager? My 13-year-old is a good kid overall, but is a bear to live with right now. Doesn’t want to follow directions, cops an attitude about everything, does not take responsibility for his own actions, is mean to his much younger sister. I am patient, until I’m not, and then Kid is very offended that we’ve raised our voices or have spoken to him too harshly. (Note: DH and I are absolutely NOT yelling and screaming at him. But there comes a point where patience and kindness and being direct aren’t doing anything, and the harshness is the only thing he responds to. Or losing screen time.) I am trying to pick my battles, but this is seriously bumming me out and is making the mood in our household really unpleasant. How do we turn this around? He has ADHD, so emotional reactivity has always been an issue, but it’s particularly bad right now.

    1. First of all, I’m so sorry. You’ll get him back when he’s 18/19 years old.

       He’s pushing your buttons on purpose – testing boundaries, independence all of that – and he’s also manipulating you by acting offended when you finally react, which is exactly what he wanted, but he may not fully understand that.

       Make sure you take the time when he’s not acting out to ask him what’s going on in his life – I find a longish one on one car ride is the absolute best time for this because it’s lower stakes than a sit down eye to eye kind of thing.

       Then in the moment, be firm. Reiterate boundaries. And there need to be consequences, whether that’s a loss of gaming time or chores or being grounded or whatever works for you (and those things change as they get older!)

       Hang in there, remember that this is something ALL teens go through – there’s that thing that goes around from time to time about the ancient Greeks complaining about sassy, disobedient teens – and try to catch a break for yourself from time to time. If you find yourself losing it in the moment, which can be hard to do, give yourself a time out.

    2. Commiseration! It’s so hard and there’s no good way to shut it down, at least not that I’ve found. I’ve also been accused of “yelling” the moment I stop being perfectly nice. I quickly learned with my oldest that my prior tactic of logically talking through things does not work on emotional, hormonal teenagers. It was better to let her stomp off and pout alone until she got over it. She would frequently emerge sometime later acting as if everything were fine. It didn’t resolve the situation in the moment, but it didn’t escalate it either. Later, when everyone was calm, I could address the behavior and set expectations.
       My latest approach with my youngest, who is currently in this phase, is to name what’s causing her to act that way when I push back on her behavior. That is, I’ve realized she tends to get very touchy with me when she’s feeling anxious about something else. Telling her that I realize she’s feeling anxious about X but that doesn’t mean she can talk to me that way has been somewhat effective.
       My only other suggestion is to decide ahead of time what the consequence for nasty behavior will be and then apply it as calmly as you can in the moment. That’s easier for me, mentally, because I don’t have to decide how to react in the moment. I’ve already decided and I can just do it when they cross the line. After taking a lot of deep breaths!
       Good luck!

    3. When ever someone says that 2 or 3 was the hardest age, I immediately know their kid has not hit 13.

       The problem is that kids of this age are people – maybe not fully formed, but people nonetheless so one size fits all solutions do not really work. That said, we made it though with minimal damage (and before she was 16) so here are my thoughts (in no particular order). Apologies for the length.

       1. Acknowledge that it is hard. That 13 is a terrible age. It was terrible for you, it was terrible for his father, and that anyone who looks like they have it together at that age is putting on a good front. But also that it is not forever. That middle school is as bad as it gets. High school is better and college is exponentially better. He just needs to get through.

       2. The fact that it is hard is not an excuse for him to take it out on you or anyone else. That you understand that family are the safe people because they will love you no matter what, but you are not his metaphorical punching bags. That he is not a toddler and can be expected to exercise self control. Do not let him use his ADHD as an excuse because that sets him up for a lifetime of excuses (but obviously discuss with his doctor whether your expectations are realistic if you are concerned).

       3. There are behaviors he is manifesting that are not acceptable and that you are not going to tolerate. Make a list; make it very clear and very explicit. Tell him what gets a warning and what he should know is not OK. And also make a list of consequences.

       4. This is not about punishment. (Tell him that too.) It is about teaching self-control. But other than food, shelter, clothing, education, and medical attention, everything he has is a privilege and it can be taken away. Then do it. Don’t get angry. Don’t let him pull you into reacting emotionally. Just do it. You know your kid and what consequences will make an impression best.

       5. The time to talk about it is after the consequence. Do not expect him to not be angry (he will be). Just tell him how his actions make you feel; about how you worry about him; about how hard it is to balance supporting him while also protecting his sister from bullying. Admit you are not completely certain you are parenting “right” but you are doing the best you can.

       6. Ask how you can support him. How can you make it easier. This is a conversation that happens separately from misbehavior and consequence. As an example, my daughter said sometimes the family dinner felt like an interrogation. So I bent the “family dinner” rule and let her pick one day a week when she ate in front of the TV and let her brain shut off. I told her she could just say “I don’t want to talk about it” and we would respect that. I let her take one day off school per grading period (so 4 times a year) as a mental health day. Note that allowing her to continue to be rude and non compliant was not an accommodation I was prepared to make.

       Good luck! This too shall pass.

       1. I have a 16 year old and I still think age 3 was the worst age (2 was fine). It’s kid dependent.

    4. Remember that pushing you away is the healthiest and most developmentally appropriate way to leave the nest! I swear, by the time they hit puberty, something happens their ears causing the sound of the mother’s voice to cause literal pain! We went through this with my son who is now 23 and we get along great.

    5. When our teenager gets nasty or defiant we do a lot of “try again.”

37. Has anyone tried outerwear from 32 degrees? Thoughts?

    I’m doing a charity secret Santa type thing and need to buy winter coats for a few people. The prices seem too good to be true but reviews are promising. Just curious if anyone has “IRL” feedback. Thanks!

    1. Yes! I thought it was too good to be true as well, but I wear one of my two puffy vests from them daily for WFH/around the house. They were like $30 each.

    2. I know 32 Degrees as a Costco store brand, and it rocks. I gladly buy it for myself all.the.time. (Whether or not it’s actually Costco’s store brand, idk, I’ve just never seen it anywhere else.)

       1. They have a website. I don’t know if Costco owns them but it appears separate. And their website has amazing sales on already low prices.

    3. Yes, and I’m a big fan. I took a risk and bought one of their coats for a winter trip to the Mediterranean, because it was cheap on sale, which left me with more wine money for my vacation. I’ve been wearing it ever since, and I would have been happy with it if it had cost twice what I paid.

    4. I’ve not tried their outerwear but I really like their leggings and shorts.

    5. I love my 32 degrees coat! The local Costco had them on clearance a couple of weeks ago.

    6. I have a “shovel the snow and run to the store” coat from them. It is comfortable, warm, and flattering enough. Would absolutely recommend for a charity coat drive.

    7. I love my 32 Degrees puffy coat from Costco. It is my regular errand/bus stop running coat. I just bought one for my DH as well to keep handy.

    8. I love my 32 degrees leggings and vests, and my sister in law does, too, after borrowing mine this weekend!

38. Slipper recommendations for men? DH recently retired. He’s used to living in work boots and being on his feet all day. He has started to wear his work boots from puttering around outside into the house where he tracks mud and dirt everywhere. Then he refuses to believe he was the one to track mud and dirt everywhere because he was just puttering, not doing yard work, so his shoes can’t possibly have gotten dirty. What slippers have decent support, especially in the heel, and are suitable for walking to the mailbox?

    1. Birkenstock clogs, esp the shearling lined. LL bean moccasin style slippers.

       If you do the Birkenstock, please remember the break in schedule for the first 4 days – 2 hours the first day, 4 the next, then 6, then 8. 2-4-6-8, who do we appreciate? Warm slippers.

       1. My husband wanted me to come back and recommend his favorites. Spenco brand, Men’s supreme slipper. He wears an over the counter orthotic in these and wears them for hours every day! (Semi retired, WFH)

          Link to follow

          1. Spenco Men’s Supreme Slipper https://a.co/d/6WcUNIS

       2. I’ve run out of people to get the LL Bean slippers for in my family but they are always a big hit.

          1. I check in with my parents every year as to the condition of their Bean slippers and replace as needed.

             1. I just bought some for my daughter’s boyfriend. He is a tall guy with size 14 feet and can never find his size in slippers. He’s thrilled!

    2. Posted above that my husband likes Olukai. They had a 50% off sale, but not sure it is still going on today. He also likes Minnetonka.

39. Random weird gift question—my family member really wants a canoe whirligig for her garden (saw one at a lake house recently). I cannot find a plain canoe whirligig! Haven’t dug deep enough into Etsy probably, but have looked many places with no luck. Reccs please!

    1. Here’s one from etsy:
       https://www.etsy.com/listing/1291542454/large-20-hand-made-man-and-his-dog?gpla=1&gao=1&&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_us_a-home_and_living-outdoor_and_garden-garden_decoration-other&utm_custom1=_k_Cj0KCQiA1ZGcBhCoARIsAGQ0kkrU7rNospk8Q8ErW8KglY2vcVd879TQyrxz6U8K2B6J0E95BaztW2saAp_XEALw_wcB_k_&utm_content=go_12574416432_120844864778_507798976719_aud-1184785539978:pla-307621832538_c__1291542454_574553509&utm_custom2=12574416432&gclid=Cj0KCQiA1ZGcBhCoARIsAGQ0kkrU7rNospk8Q8ErW8KglY2vcVd879TQyrxz6U8K2B6J0E95BaztW2saAp_XEALw_wcB

       And one from Amazon:
       https://www.amazon.com/Premier-Kites-Whirligig-Spinner-Kayak/dp/B00GJQPKIG/ref=asc_df_B00GJQPKIG/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=309791894781&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=9882515688127485661&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9026839&hvtargid=pla-423518660558&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=61288681643&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=309791894781&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=9882515688127485661&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9026839&hvtargid=pla-423518660558

       1. Haha thank you I appreciate it. I did already find those two but I am looking for one in a natural finish with no people or pets inside. That is what I meant by “plain” and is hard to find! Should have been more specific.

40. Dumb question but how do you know when cashews go bad? Like will they mold or taste or smell off? And will exposure to water make them go bad?

    Invited SIL over on the weekend and asked DH to put out some snacks as dinner was going to take another hour. DH puts out things in boxes, rather than serving bowls. So toddler niece runs over washes hands with soap and water and then goes and grabs some cashews out of the box, sticking her wet hands in there a few times before any of us noticed. I thought nothing of this and frankly was a little impressed that a child had been trained to wash hands before eating after playing on the floor – I’m guessing she didn’t see the kitchen towels, couldn’t find them. Her mother my SIL OTOH was mortified and went on about how OMG she ruined a new box, I’m so sorry, these may go bad. She took a spoon and scooped out the next layer of cashews, as those would presumably have gotten water drops on them. I could care less either way but it does raise the question of how do you know if cashews have gone bad and you should discard the rest of the box?

    1. Nuts and seeds can go rancid and smell/taste off or stale. I think your cashews are fine, tho.

    2. Idk if your SIL meant the box is “bad” as in germy or bad as in moldy. I would throw out the rest of the box that a kid (other than mine) stuck their hands in, just as a sanitary measure. Even if they washed their hands first, they’re still putting their hands in or near their mouth to eat, then putting the same hand back in the box.

       1. Seriously? I thought I was a germophobe but this seems next level. Like if they go rancid throw them out, but just because someone put a WASHED hand in there to eat? Does that mean that if anyone in your family ever sticks their hands in a box of crackers or chips or cookie jar to eat, you throw it out? I mean I’ve tried to train my kids to pour the item out on a plate instead of sticking hands in there, but I live with a bunch of pre teen boys so I’d be throwing out food constantly or designating everything as THEIRS.

    3. I once ate a rancid pistachio and trust me, you’ll know when they’ve gone bad! It would never occur to me to be worried about this. It sounds like your SIL might be a bit of a germaphobe between the fact that they wash their hands after playing on the floor and her reaction to the cashews. Not that washing hands before eating is a bad thing, but I feel like most kids won’t do it unprompted.

    4. Based on how my toddler “washes” their hands, they may very well not have been clean or could have been covered with soap. Or pee, I guess.

Comments are closed.