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Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Belted Peplum Jacket

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. David Szeto Belted Peplum JacketI'm not a big fan of the styling here (those pants! and give the model a sandwich!) but this avant-garde jacket from David Szeto seems really promising. It's unusual, interesting, and very artistic — but it still reads like a blazer to me, and I could see this working for a casual day for a power player in a conservative industry, or for a big meeting/important day for a power player in a creative industry. The blazer is $1,385 at ShopBop. David Szeto Belted Peplum Jacket Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

Sales of note for 3/15/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

226 Comments

  1. Oh my, I really can’t get behind this jacket at all. (or the pants) …but the shoes it is styled with are cute.

    1. I can’t see dropping four figures for a casual item from a place called “Shop Bop.” I want a little boutique where I get fawned over and asked what I’d like to drink as I try things on.

      1. Love the name, although I suspect Saffy is monitoring your credit card usage. :-)

        This jacket looks weirdly lumpy and bunchy in the front. Bad photo, perhaps or just bad tailoring?

      1. And the odd thing is that, how it’s styled, you can’t even see the shoes. The pants just hang and bag weirdly on the model.

      2. So interesting how to each is really her own . . . I think this outfit is fabulous. I love everything about it and, if i needed a sandwhich as bad as the model does, i would totally wear it. I think the whole thing my swallow my 5’4 no-so-so-skinny frame, but i really do love this.

        1. I really like that you’ve achieved what I would consider my dream life – partner at a law firm, married to a BigLaw partner, all the while handling the parenting thing. But sometimes, I think you’re a little out of touch.

          I really don’t think you have bad intentions, but you come off as clueless. I think you were just making a flip comment, but between this and your “oh no I really make all my makeup grooming choices in a perfect vacuum without any influence from society or patriarchy” makes me think you’re a little too comfortable and don’t really think through consequences or think philosophically.

          2. interesting response. and i guess in anwer to my oft-wondered question of whether people pay any attention to what others say, the answer is yes. in any event, I’m fairly confident my ability to think through consequences and to think philosophically comes across in real life, if not on the internets. In fairness, my life is not perfect. But I am happy with my life as a biglaw partner who is married to a biglaw partner who together have two beautiful children. we make it work for us. thanks for noticing.

    3. This is what I wore when I got back from maternity leave. Only not on purpose (nothing fit, and an ill-fitting jacket is very pumping friendly).

    4. “The pleated front peplum and belt accent create a slimming illusion” REALLY? In what universe?? Awful.

  2. What do you do in the first couple weeks at a new job to lay the ground work for success?
    For context, it’s a little bit above entry level, large company, tech-related department.

    1. Take notes, learn names. If your managers are swamped, work diligently through your assigned tasks and don’t ask me, “now what” every five minutes.

  3. Was the “give the model a sandwich!” comment really necessary? Let’s keep the commentary to the clothes, please. Body snarking is still snarking, no matter the size or shape.

    5. I disagree. I think the comment is a nod to an ongoing and very relevant issue regarding the fashion industry’s embracing of a body type that is unattainable for most normal women, and therefore can be quite harmful, especially to younger people and those with disordered eating.

      No one is concerned that the fashion industry is doing harm by glamorizing chubby models. It’s not all “body snark”, and equating all comments in that way is silly.
      Glorifying emaciated-looking models is totally fine thing to criticize, IMO. Kat might have done it in a glib way, but I embrace the message of calling out the industry for these images.

      It would be different if this woman were not a model and thus inherently someone idealized by the industry. Calling out a random skinny woman on the street— yes, *that* would be body-snarking.

      4. And so just because she’s a model we get free reign to comment on her body, and assume that we know what she does or doesn’t eat? And what about the women reading this board who have bodies that look like hers, and have been hurt by similar glib comments themselves? I’m 100% with you on the immense harm of the fashion industry’s standard for the ideal body, but there are much more constructive ways to go about critiquing it than this.

        1. I agree completely. I understand the (very real) point about the fashion industry promoting idealized body types, but I don’t think that saying this model need to eat more is a constructive criticism of that. It would be one thing to target the agencies, designers, and merchandisers that promote unhealthy habits. To call a model “too skinny” when you don’t know anything about her specific metabolism, habits, etc. is not constructive and promotes the idea that women who might share this body type are somehow unhealthy themselves, regardless of their particular circumstances.

          1. Amen. Glorifying thinness to the detriment of women who are not naturally thin is bad. But sorry, body-snarking any woman, including a model, is also bad. Plus it tends to perpetuate a culture in which body-snarking is okay. Let’s just put “Give that woman a sandwich” to rest in all contexts!

          3. Who is being “shamed,” though? This is like white men calling out “reverse racism” or “reverse sexism”; decrying criticism of the privileged class just rings so hollow to me.

            If this body type were not equated with the ideal, then maybe it would be “shaming” or “snarking” to comment on it. It’s “worse” to fat-shame someone than it is to “thin-shame” someone, because of the societal context of fatness and thinness; pretending otherwise is naive, I think.

          5. Caty, I get what you’re saying re: the privilege differential, but to me this has much more to do with respecting bodily autonomy than it does “thin shaming”. The comment reinforces the idea that strangers somehow have a right to comment on women’s bodies and make inferences about their health status through their appearance. We have no more right to tell this person to go eat a sandwich than some other random person has to tell me to put down the sandwich. It’s harmful cr@p that we could all do without.

          7. This particular comment is shaming because it assumes that the woman in question has unhealthy eating habits. If the same type of thing were said about a fuller figured woman (ie “put down the oreos”), everyone would be up in arms.

            Caty, applying your logic that it’s worse to fat-shame someone than to “thin-shame,” is it worse to be prejudiced against a particular race vs. another? Personally I think that argument holds no weight whatsoever. Body shaming is not appropriate, ever.

          8. Autonomy and freedom from strangers’ judgments–exactly. Everyone is entitled to these things, even “the ideal.”

          9. It’s definitely presented to shame. The comment specifically implied that the model is not eating enough, presumably to further her career/societal expectations at the expense of health, with the clear implication that this is wrong. Of course it’s shaming. Just because you agree with it or you think that there are worse things out there doesn’t make it not shaming.

          10. Yes, it’s definitely shaming. And cutting it out is about staying the hell out of the business of other women’s body shapes!

            And BTW, those of you who feel free to make nasty remarks to and about thin women, be careful. On another board I frequent a woman who has had a double mastectomy recently posted that three people in one week told her she was “too thin,” and one even told her “girls are supposed to have curves.” Can you imagine? Saying that to someone who lost her curves to cancer? There is just no way that is ever, ever going to be okay. And of course those people had no idea how truly, truly gross they were being because this lovely lady doesn’t care to share her health history with all and sundry.

            So please, let’s all just mind our own business when it comes to other women’s bodies, shall we?

          11. Thank you, Senior Attorney. I have metastatic cancer (actually, I’m now on hospice) and my BMI is about 16.5. For some reason, despite my lousy prognosis, at the moment I look good and, if I dress up, people stare at my waist and hips and with great sincerity tell me how terrific I look, how I look like a model. Even though I’m dying at a relatively young age, apparently it’s still all about our cultural obsession with being ultra-thin. It is a very weird experience to be “praised” for a desperately failing body that somehow matches a social ideal.

          12. Oh Nina, I’m so sorry. If only these people had any idea what they were saying!

        2. This sounds terrible, but yeah, kinda. She’s a model. The way she looks is literally the point of her career. Her look is the “product” she provides.. It’s being put out there, it can be critiqued. I don’t really take a position on the body snark thing- I can see that it absolutely could be just as hurtful to call someone too skinny as to call someone too fat. But I think it’s absurd to say that people shouldn’t critique how models look.

          1. Eh, I’m with the camp saying this comment was disrespectful and inappropriate. Models are part of a common language about the body, so comments about who looks too this or too that are really about norms. For women who really do starve themselves to be thin, the thought of being force-fed by someone who insists they gain weight is about as triggering as possible, so no help there, and for women who are naturally thin it’s just patronizing. Lose-lose; thus no need for the comment.

            The message that natural bodies are best can be given in lots of other ways, and indeed I think remarks like this do more to harm than help anyway.

      5. To me, this is less about fat vs. thin, and more about the way that the shape of a woman’s body is a perfectly acceptable topic for public discussion, as well as the fact that it’s often treated as perfectly acceptable to toss off a derogatory comment about the body shape of a woman that is in the public eye, whether a model, an actress, a politician, etc.

        Is it harder to be fat than thin? Absolutely. I think it’s horrifying how readily people accept slurs against larger women, and I’m disgusted by how much of the media normalizes eating disordered behaviors, thought patterns, and ways of talking about food and our bodies. Ultimately, the view that women’s appearance is public property hurts *all* women, regardless of their size. Thin women aren’t disadvantaged in the way that fat women are, but the mindset that makes it okay to say that a model should just eat a sandwich is the same mindset that makes it okay to say that a larger woman should lay off the cheeseburgers. We’re *all* harmed by the existence of that mindset, just in different ways and to different degrees.

        And before anyone says that this is okay because she’s a model, think about it this way: she’s a woman doing her job. Her job is modeling clothes. To the extent that her appearance has an effect on how she performs the job of modeling clothes, it’s relevant. But only to that extent. From my perspective, Kat’s comment was unnecessary – had she said, “it’s hard for me to judge how this would look on most people, given that the model is unusually thin,”* that would have been a comment that made sense and was relevant to the evaluation of the garment. Here, all you can see are the model’s hands and collarbones; her size has little to no bearing on the fashion disaster that is this garment.

        *And also before anyone says that “all models are unusually thin,” catalogue models are typically a size 4-6, which, while smaller than average, is still a fairly common size range.

        2. But this site regularly posts pictures of male models and makes fun of them for being chubby. Is it that we are just not allowed to critique women models? Or all models?

          1. First off, this site doesn’t “regularly” post pictures of male models. And I didn’t love the commentary on that one either, although it was somewhat different in tone.

          2. Its been at least 5 times. And they were all like why would they chose this fat guy to be a model? I dont see the difference in tone

          3. This site does not regularly post pictures of male models. What are you even talking about??? And even if it did, no, body-snarking is not appropriate regardless of the gender of the person.

          4. I think that links to online site male models happened, like, *twice*… not ‘regularly’… and when it did happen, there were commenters who made similar comments to the ones on this post saying it wasn’t appropriate. So, not a compelling comparison to use here.

          5. It happened at least 5 times. Why would that not be a compelling comparison? And I am the one saying its not appropriate regardless of gender. I am just saying I think we should make the dialogue about all people.

        3. I just don’t comprehend how how a model (male or female) looks and their body type could somehow be divorced from how they perform their job of modeling clothes. This is such a stretch it falls apart. I am all for political correctness but again, this is absurd.

          1. They’re not divorced from their job. You just don’t have to be a jerk and “story-tell” about her looks.

            Yes, this model is thin. But to say she needs a sandwich is saying that she is purposely restricting calories in an unhealthy way, or that she shouldn’t be thin. For the former, you don’t know how she eats or what she eats. To suggest she doesn’t have enough sandwiches is storytelling. Bigger point, though, what she eats is also none of anybody’s business.

            If the sandwich comment is meant to mean that she’s too thin, that’s bodysnarking. Just as for a curvy gal like me, I bristle at the suggestion that I should be Xlbs lighter, I can imagine for a thin gal, that it’d be offensive if someone told her she should be X lbs heavier. Still none of anybody’s business.

      6. As someone on the slim side, I am in COMPLETE agreement with this. Stick figure models who look ill are sending a horrible message to impressionable women everywhere. I will not support it or hide behind political correctness to suggest that a photoshopped into skeletal proportions model is anything other than demeaning to all women.

    6. I don’t like this comment in general in reference to anyone.. but in this case, I’m kind of baffled. I don’t think she looks particularly thin, esp since you can barely see any parts of her body except her wrists. I just don’t get why to say this about this model at all.

      1. Well, but the weird thing is that generally models are ultra-thin because they are essentially like a human hanger for the clothes and the clothes look best on them. In this case, it’s more that the clothes don’t fit her. They look awful on her!

      2. The site says she’s wearing a French size 36, which the internet tells me is a US 6. Smaller than average, yes. Freakishly thin? Not by any means.

        …none of that makes this outfit any less hideous, though.

      3. wow, a US size 6! that’s my size and seriously, I’m not ultra-thin. vanity sizing, people!

  4. Ladies, I have a pretty dumb question, but I just didn’t start out at a law firm that used this terminology, so I want to clarify. If you’re in the “Second Year Class” at a firm, that means you’ve been a lawyer for one year and some change, right?

    I’ve received an offer to join a firm as a lateral attorney, but they’ve classed me as (what I believe to be) a year lower than I actually am. I think they did it because while I have 2+ years experience in X litigation, I have zero years in Y litigation, which is what I’ll be practicing. Does this match up with what is normal and expected, or am I getting messed around?

    Thank you, Hive for your collective wisdom!

    1. If it’s major city big law, you might want to be a lower class. My firm did a major weed-out after four years. It can be like Bridget Jones: you have a sell-by date.

      1. Yes, and it’s not uncommon to “lose” a year when you switch firms or practice areas. Some people resent being bumped down (lower salary and ego), but it can be a better long-term strategy. As Eddie here notes, it gives you an extra year before you’re up against “partner or no” decision time, and it also helps expectations-wise as you settle into a new firm and start to build up goodwill again (let’s say you have average drafting skills for your actual third-year, experience but since you’re a second-year to New Firm, you look relatively better).

        1. +1 Due to certain weirdness with graduation dates, I was brought into my firm a year ahead (so I started after law school as a second year). While the extra pay was nice, no one remembered what my actual class year was and it was sometimes hard to shine among people who’d been practicing a whole year longer than I had been.

      2. Yup, same here. It kind of stinks but usually the pay difference isn’t that much, so the only difference is partnership track. At my firm, most people aren’t making it after eight years anymore anyway, so it isn’t a big loss (like now it’s taking you nine when it would have taken you eight – it’s all much more fluid than that).

    2. I think I just haven’t had enough coffee yet but for clarification – are you a third year and the new firm will classify you as a second year, or are you a second year and the new firm will classify you as a first year? If the latter, I’m not sure I would agree to that. I wouldn’t want to be paid at the same level and given the same work as someone who’s fresh out of law school.

      If you’ll be a second year at the new firm, though, that’s a little different. As others have noted, it’s not unusual to lose a year of seniority when you lateral. Whether that’s a good or a bad thing really depends on the situation. If you haven’t done this type of litigation before, you might consider taking the hit because it will give you more time to get up to speed. There’s an expectation that lawyers of a particular year will have certain skills and knowledge. If you’re not there yet, you’re starting off at a disadvantage. Eventually your billable rate will be too high for the firm to justify you doing the work you need to do to learn, but you won’t have the experience yet to do the work that’s expected of your level. Not a position you want to be in.

      On the other hand, make sure the firm isn’t just looking for a grunt. It’s a lot easier to stick a second year on doc review for a year or two than to do that to a third year. Ask a lot of questions about what kinds of assignments you will get, what you should be learning this year, and what you’ll be expected to be able to do next year.

      1. well, its not like she would have a choice though. Plus, at most big firms these days, depending on the city, the “hit” is only $5 or $10k and after taxes, thats nothing.

    3. Your class year is typically one number higher than the total number of years of practice you’ve completed (this can shift as you move through the year). So the current second year class are those who graduated from law school in 2011. In most firms you move up in the new year, so those ’11 graudates will be third years in January. In some firms, however (especially those whose fiscal year begins in October), the classes move up in the fall with the arrival of the new grads.

    4. this happened to me and . . . .it was the best thing ever. there is no way i would have made partner if i didnt have those extra years (it was 2 years in my case) to get to know people at the firm and really make my own way.

    5. Thank you so much for your advice. The firm is a small firm that seems to have modeled its lockstep program from the founder’s experience in Big Law. I graduated in 2011, so I think I am a third-year being demoted to second-year, but as you have all noted, it might be a blessing in disguise – does this hold true even if it’s not Big Law? The salary hit isn’t awesome, but it’s not major (and I’ve negotiated it up a bit) and I am very excited to start practicing in this new area! Things are looking good!

      1. I think it sounds good!

        And I am smiling at this thread because for some reason it reminds me of all the angst I went through when trying to decide whether to send my September-birthday son to kindergarten at just-turned-five or “redshirt” him for a year! ;)

  5. This might seem like a dumb question to some of you, but I’m wondering how you wear jackets or blazers to work. I’ve gotten into the boring habit of always wearing cardigans (in a business-casual office) and I feel like I wouldn’t even know how to select a jacket to wear. How do you match colors and styles to black or grey pants (my usual colors) or to skirts? Do you usually wear it all day like a sweater? I think there might have been a Corporette discussion about this before, but I couldn’t find it after searching the site for some keywords. TIA!

    1. Black or gray pants? I would (and do) wear jackets in All The Colors!

      My office is always cold, even in summer, so I generally do wear my jacket all day at the office. But it’s also perfectly fine to take it off and hang it up while you’re in the office.

    2. This is a fair question as I think the transition from cardigans to blazers is tough. I, for one, had a hard time not feeling over-dressed in a blazer when I was first starting to incorporate them into my wardrobe.

      You can start by wearing a suit jacket as a separate, if you already own suiting. Your suit jacket in plain black , grey, or navy works well with slacks or a dress of a different color or a pattern. The trick is to make sure you don’t look like you *think* you’re wearing a suit. Meaning, wear combinations that are intentionally mismatched– too close in color or pattern and it just looks like a badly matched suit. E.g. Navy suit jacket with a plum dress; grey suit jacket over colorful top and black pants.

      My preference is to wear blazers that are more clearly separates and not part of a suit, just because I think they are more fun and interesting. This can be a fun pattern, fabric, or details like contrast buttons or cropped sleeves. I find H&M to be a good place to find blazers in this category at a low price point while you’re still getting used to wearing them. E.g. http://www.hm.com/us/product/17264?article=17264-B or http://www.hm.com/us/product/16909?article=16909-C

      In terms of when to wear them, I follow the same rules as a cardigan: it’s part of my outfit, so I wear it all day unless I am uncomfortable for some reason (like it’s too hot).

  6. Quick job-hunting question. I had an interview in late August. A very influential person I know and used to work for called the employer to put in a word for me ahead of the interview. I haven’t heard back from the employer since August. In a perfect world, I’d either get the job or get rejected by now and then I’d follow up with the person who recommended me to say thank you again and let her know how it turned out. But with zero information, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want her to think that I just didn’t have the manners to let her know how it turned out, but how long after an interview do you wait until you can be certain? I had one interview process in the past that lasted 8+ months with four rounds and a writing assignment, and I still never got properly rejected (I heard through back channels that someone else had been in the job already for a month, or else I’d have never known). Do I write to my recommender and say that, having heard nothing, I assume they’ve gone with another candidate and that I very much appreciate her putting in a good word for me? If that’s the right choice, for future reference, at what point is it safe to send that email? (Especially considering that a friend of mine got an offer from his firm 10 months after interviewing with them and having radio silence during that whole period.)

    1. I would just contact HR and say ‘yo, dudes, it’s been three months, what’s the deal’ (in slightly more professional language) and then go back to the recommender person and say thank you.

    2. If you haven’t heard from them in 3+ months, I think it’s pretty safe to say that you were rejected, and they just didn’t have the courtesty to notify you. I’d still send the thank you to your recommender and let them know you didn’t ever hear back from the employer (if you think it’s necessary to even say – unless someone tells me they got the job, I usually assume it didn’t work out for whatever reason).

  7. So I could really use the wise advice of the Hive this morning. I was hanging out with some of my friends this weekend who happened to be fairly recently married (it was mostly couples) and the dynamics just felt so off. It seemed almost like there was no real common ground anymore (and we have been friends for years). They didn’t really understand the frustrations of being single and dating (and not having much luck), as well as working the kind of hours I do occasionally (which aren’t even NYC Biglaw bad) and I guess I don’t really get why every question I asked to one of my friends was answered with “we”.

    Is this normal? Do you just grow apart from your friends when they tend to get married and you aren’t anywhere close? I would really like to maintain these friendships but I’m very frustrated with what seems like condescension and judgment from my friends with respect to my dating life.

    Thanks all!

    1. Yes, normal. I got married later in life and grew away from the Smugs (they weren’t the best of people when they were single, to be honest). There were Awesome Marrieds though (come over and let us cook you dinner on our new china!) and are even Awesome Other Parents of Young Children. Life is too short to hang out a lot with people you don’t adore (or who don’t adore you back). Double down on the good ones.

      1. This x 1000. Good friends accomodate each other — and have empathy for each other’s situations, however different they are. Just as I hope you’re able to use empathy and imagination to try to understand some of the challenges of married life, they should do the same in understanding the challenges of being single, dealing with the dating scene, and having a huge workload in your career.

    2. Sure – it’s not uncommon to grow in a different direction from your friends. That’s life, it happens.

      If you do want to keep the friendships – stop talking about dating. It could be that they don’t understand anymore. Their life went in a different direction and they’ve shown that they aren’t a good source of commiseration or advice. So stop trying to get it from them. If they ask about your dating life, then give them the 2 sentence update “Been crushed at work, but am still looking. Got any cute single friends?”

      Then, find new/more friends (totally easier said then done, I know). If your dating frustration and hours are things you really want to talk about with someone (as opposed to occasional venting), considering going to a therapist. They are paid to listen.

      1. Also, it’s hard to be the different one. You could be the newlywed one one year when everyone else is pregnant. Then you are pregnant and eveyone else is talking about potty training. Time is a great equalizer only because it makes us go back to being just people (and people get divorced, have sick parents, lose jobs, etc.), but that can take decades.

        It’s easy to be in a group where everyone is the same or everyone is different because the coversations either are empathetic for everyone or have to be interesting.

      2. I second the advice to not talk about dating if you’re not enjoying the conversations. I was one of the first in my group of friends to get married, and so I spent a fair amount of time in groups of couples and single people. From the perspective of the newly-married, it’s can be awkward to talk to someone about their dating life in front of your spouse. You either feel like a voyeur (ooh – tell me more about your racy single life) or you find yourself sounding judgmental/grateful not to be single because your spouse is sitting right next to you listening to what you say.

        It does sound like you’re growing apart from these friends if they’re not understanding your work life. Are they on vastly different career paths, or do you think they’ll be in the same boat some time soon? I’m in my late 30s now, and I find that all my friends who were relatively carefree when I was a junior biglaw associate have been promoted in their chosen fields so they have more work pressures (and I’m in an in-house role with more regular hours).

        1. Your comment about being a voyeur/judgmental/grateful is interesting. I’ve found that my girlfriends purposefully bring up my dating life in front of their husbands and either tell me that they need to live vicariously through my interesting life and ask for more details than I would be comfortable giving to their husbands or make judgmental comments about how they’re so lucky they don’t have to date anymore (so it’s exactly that dynamic) but I’ve never stopped to consider it from their perspective – that their spouse is sitting right next to them.

          We are all on vastly different career paths which doesn’t help things either. We started off in the same position but I was really the only one who went into such a demanding career whereas everyone else pretty much works 9-5

          I guess my only solution is to redirect the conversations completely until it’s just the girls hanging out (which is unlikely to happen but a girl can hope!)

          1. It will happen. In our first two years or so of marriage, we never went anywhere without each other, and at home, we spent all our time together. I sometimes wondered if I’d ever be able to just browse shops alone again (my husband would come with me, but he’d be bored, so I’d feel rushed, etc.) Now, 3 1/2 years in, we frequently have different plans in the evenings or on weekends, and when we’re home, we’re typically not even on the same floor, nevermind doing the same thing. Even if they’ve been dating and/or living together for awhile, they might go through a clingy phase in the first couple of years (which I think can be very healthy in creating a foundation for the marriage) but they’ll branch off on their own eventually.

    3. Yay! Pricey Monday! I could use a sandwich, b/c all weekend I starved myself to keep my tuchus in shape. Dad called to say that he has sent away for his own FITBIT, and will be comeing into NYC to walk with me on weekend’s! YAY! His internist say’s he should stop with the horseback riding b/c he is NOT a Brad Pit any more. OMG, I still get woozey when I think of Brad Pit from the movie “Legend’s of the Fall”

      As for the OP, I am singing the same tune. Alot of my freind’s from college are married (one even divorced already), and even some of the law school peeople (not freind’s) married within the class, and we do NOT have much in common b/c they talk about thing’s that I am NOT interested in.

      I prefer Myrna b/c she is young and single like me and we have alot of fun together and she has a VERY funny and biteing sense of humor. She has NO troubel attracting guy’s and as a matter of fact, she arranged a doubel date for us this week with a guy named Vikram who works for a Bank in Computer programing. I love banker’s but I am not sure what a programer does at a Bank. I will find out soon enough b/c her freind is his freind and I get to pick where we go out to eat! YAY!!!!

      Roberta invited me to their Thanksgiving dinner, b/c her son from Philladelphia will be there. I told her I usueally go to my Grandma Leyeh’s (which is also in the Bronx), so mabye I could at least swing by for desert afterward and meet her son. She seemed happy to hear that b/c her son is lookeing for a nice girl (meaning ME!). I did not mention Vikram or Fred or Micheal, or Willem or even Sam who I have to juggel to find the right one, but so far, I have not been thrilled enough to lose my baleance for any of them. Now if Brad Pit stopped by, that would be another thing, even tho I read he is 50 year’s old! FOOEY! That is way to old for me I guess, but it doesn’t stop me from day dreameing about him. DOUBEL FOOEY b/c he is still better then these other guy’s who do NOT take me serious!

      I ate a Pecan Pie yesterday with Myrna and have to work it off at lunch today. I think I will walk all the way up to Grand Central, over to Time Square and then back down to Macy’s and then back over here. It will cut into my billiengs b/c that will take an hour, but mabye I can make a call or 2 while walkeing and then I will be abel to still keep up with my billeing’s! YAY!!!!

    4. It sounds like you’re looking for a type of commiseration/war story sharing they’re simply not able to provide. Do you need these friends to be the people you chat about dating with? Can they be your “friends I joke around with” or “friends I talk about the world with” or “friends I relax and drink with?” Are they really being condescending and judgmental, or are they trying to “help” without realizing that you aren’t looking for them to fix it?

      1. I’m not really talking about dating or looking for commiseration with them, or at least, I’m not the one who brings it up. They ask me and when I briefly answer their questions, I get “advice” dripping with condescension.

        I get that these aren’t my single girlfriends or my lawyer friends so I purposefully don’t ask for commiseration or advice with respect to both dating and work but when it comes up, I don’t think there’s a way to avoid answering their questions without being honest.

        I would love to maintain the friendship with them in any way possible but I really don’t think I need to either hide details of my life or not talk about myself at all in order to do so.

        1. Maybe I’m dense, but try “Thanks, but I’m really not in the market for advice.”. Said nicely? Or preempt it with your answer to their question “oh, my last date? He smelled strongly of cheese and despair. I’m thrilled to be throwing that fish back into the sea. These things just take time. I’m thinking about trying new restaurant x downtown, have you been?”

          Sometimes the only way to escape the smug advice is to go on the offensive. OR, if you’re drunk, offer them “helpful” advice on not getting stuck in a married rut.

          1. I think I have told this story before, but I once shut down an overly personal line of questioning about my divorce by sadly and solemnly informing the questioner that I had to leave my husband because I discovered he was deeply involved in international piracy.

          3. All kinds of awesome. Can I steal that? I will find a way to work international piracy into the next really awful probing, nosy exchange.

        2. FWIW, you have my sympathies. For some reason, the people who most want to give me dating advice are the people who married their high school or college sweethearts (i.e., people who have precisely zero understanding of dating as a single adult). And they ask about it – lord knows I would be very happy NOT having to give a rundown on my latest uninspiring Match dates every time I go out with people who are a couple.

          1. Thanks! This is part of my issue – it’s always my friends who managed to find their husbands in high school/undergrad and just continued to date them throughout their early 20s who try to tell me how to date and why I’m doing everything wrong. I’m not quite sure the dating strategies used in suburban towns when you’re 16 still apply now…

          2. we could be best friends. I married my college sweetheart and whenever my single friends want to talk about dating I’m like Uhhh…I have nothing to contribute and then try to change the subject after they’re done venting.

          3. As someone who married her high school sweetheart, I often feel uncomfortable when my single friends talk about dating and seem to want commiseration or advice, because I know we haven’t been through the same thing.

            HOWEVER. Don’t discard these friends. These people have been able to make a relationship work through major life changes. They often have been through many ups and downs with their significant other and learned how to communicate and make it through to the other side. What I’m saying is, these friends understand relationships… just not dating.

          4. My mom and dad met at 17, and so my mom is *awesome* at actual relationship advice, but man, she is clueless about dating (see also: the last time she was single was in the 1960s).

        3. So, you keep the dating conversations short, and thank them for their advice, and change the subject. It will be up to you to keep the focus on things that you all enjoy talking about and that don’t make you uncomfortable/defensive.

          “Thanks… I’ll think about that.”

          My typical response when friends give me caregiving advice about my Dad, when they really cannot relate to my situation. Honestly, they often simply “want to help” by providing an easy answer.

          Yes, your married friends often move out of your circles. Be glad they at least are still inviting you over and want to hang out. Many will stop doing this as sometimes singles are viewed as having less in common, different goals/interests, even a threat at times and an imbalance to the collection of couples.

          Yes, it always bothers me too when responses are always “we”, but not all marrieds change to this. Yes, it always bothers me when an invitation to see one friend means husband usually must attend as well. Yes, it makes me sad when one of my (usually younger…) female friends sacrifices their friendships for a 100% focus on their husband, particularly as all my friends who married in their 20’s are now divorced (save 1….).

          As with most things in life, you need to weigh the pros/cons and decide which relationships are still worth your investment. They are certainly doing it with you, as their time gets more crowded with husband/children/family demands.

    5. You know, when people have just gone through a major life transition, I think it’s wise to give them time to come back to some sort of equilibrium. I mourned the loss of several close friendships after those friends had kids and it seemed like we no longer had anything in common, but now several years later (when they’re not completely sleep deprived and pumping/feeding every few hours) the conversations are not always about babies, and the friendships are once again close. It could be that you’re growing apart (it does certainly happen), but it also could be that your friends’ heads are just temporarily full of wedding planning/adjusting to living together/whatever, and after all that chaos settles down some parts of the person you bonded with will again emerge. I’d say have a drink, take the “we” talk with a grain of salt, and wait for the pendulum to swing back in the other direction.

      1. This is really great advice, I like how you said that, thank you. Also, I agree with trying Anne Shirley’s idea to stop the advice. I think you can also just shut down the conversation, “Ugh, dating. I really don’t want to talk about it. [new topic]” I don’t pull punches anymore, and so far no one has pushed me.

        But you are not crazy, they are being obnoxious and i’m sorry. :o( sometimes you just do grow apart from friends as your lives change, but maybe try giving it a break for now and give yourself some time to not be so frustrated with them. And maybe you’ll be able to reconnect in a few months.

        1. Yeah, I think it’s worth acknowledging here that they are being obnoxious. And it’s a good reminder to all of us – regardless of our life circumstances – not to be so caught up in ourselves that we forget our friends. It’s very easy to forget that even if you’re having a baby/getting married/getting divorced/working like a dog/insert other all-consuming thing here that other people also have important concerns in their lives, and that part of friendship is remembering and paying attention to that.

        2. Thanks ladies (all of you) – this is great advice. I will continue to try to redirect the conversations and hope that in a few months, when the marriages aren’t quite so new, they will have adjusted and we can go back to being real friends again.

    6. I’m going through the same thing. I’m the only single person in my group of friends, and now it’s all about weddings and babies (and I’m totally excited about my friends’ weddings and babies – that’s not the issue). I feel that I can’t relate to them at all, and I feel like the odd one out at all gatherings. It’s really sad.

      1. Same here. My latest group of friends who all happen to be guys are now paired off within the past year. One other female in our group left for law school this fall, now I am the only girl + single left, ugh sucks. So difficult to coordinate any plans, everyone needs to check with their SOs. One of the girlfriend is not a big fan of me, she still feels somehow insecure because I knew her bf pretty well for past 8 years (no we never dated, we were office mates for a long time). I feel so left out of what I thought was a close kinit group of friends. Now I need to get a new group of friends and a boyfriend, that is just way too much work besides my hectic and stressful job.

    7. You’ve gotten a lot of great advice. I think there is naturally some growing apart. I don’t know if you have to stop talking about dating – do the Smug Marrieds whine about the in-laws or how hard it is to see both families on holidays? If yes, then they can make a little room for you to talk about dating, especially if they’re asking. (On the theory that you all try to be a good friend even if you don’t have the same life experience in the spirit of friendship.) As for the advice, if it’s something that would work if you were 21 (ask strangers to do body shots!), do you think it would be helpful to say something like “I feel like that used to work, but now that I’m X years old, it’s not a good fit because I’m looking for something different…” etc? I haven’t tried this, but maybe it would help them realize that dating as an adult is different than dating in your early 20s.

    8. I can offer commiseration from the other side. I’m the only of my friends (mid-30’s) to be married or have kids. It has definitely affected our relationships. For some, we still get together on the (admittedly awkward for ‘normal’ people) kid/parent-friendly schedule. For others, the relationship completely dissolved. It’s sad, but inevitable. I hope to be able to rekindle some of the relationships when my kids are grown, but mostly I’ve transitioned to new friends because it seemed like we simply didn’t have much in common any more.

      I’m sure it seems like I don’t have an interest in their dating life, but I do. I just don’t have much to add since (a) I didn’t date much myself, (b) it’s been a long time and I’ve forgotten what it was like, and (c) the adult dating scene is much different than the one I was involved with. So I know that sometimes they tell me something and honestly don’t know whether to react with shared horror or a high-five, so I just sort of stare like a deer in the headlights.

  8. Hi ladies, do any of you currently practice in Texas? I’m thinking of moving there to join family in the area and would appreciate any advice as to how to break into the market. For a bit of background, I’m a mid-level biglaw IP litigation associate and am looking to either move in-house (preferred) or to another biglaw firm. Austin would be my preference of city, but it looks like the majority of jobs are in Houston/Dallas, so I’d be open to those cities as well.

    If any of you ladies are familiar with the TX legal market (especially the in-house market) and would be willing to share your thoughts, it’d be greatly appreciated!

    1. I practice in Dallas and have since I graduated law school. Started at a regional firm and am now at a biglaw firm with a small office. I enjoy practicing in Texas because it’s almost New York scale wages, but with better quality of life and MUCH lower cost of living. Good luck getting into the Austin market, though. UT graduates roughly 500 law school students each year and basically every single one wants to stay in Austin or come back to Austin after a few years in Dallas/Houston. It’s true the majority of jobs are in Dallas/Houston – Houston leans more towards oil and gas (in my experience) while Dallas leans more towards banking/finance.

    2. IP is pretty big in Austin – most of the big firms have IP sections. And there are tons of technology companies in Austin as well. Have you talked to a recruiter yet? Agree with JJ that it’s great to get paid on the NY scale, but no state income tax and generally lower hours.

    3. I am an attorney in Austin. As the others have noted, the legal market is quite different in Austin vs Houston vs Dallas. Austin is considered more desirable from a lifestyle perspective, but the legal market is super competitive here. There is a strong IP focus, though, so you might have a good shot. I would consider expanding your search in Austin to include small firms since there are not a lot of big law or in house jobs here (compared to Houston). Good luck!

  9. Secret Santa time: I’ve drawn a part time, college freshman intern. I don’t know anything about her other than that she’s a miraculously conservative dresser – dark suits, appropriate hemlines, etc. $25 limit – I’m thinking some nice stationery or some desk/study accessory that she could use after she leaves our firm. Does anyone have a better idea?

    1. Fun office supplies that you wouldn’t normally splurge on your own? Giftcard to starbucks or coffee shop local to her school? I always appreciated havign some fun money.

      1. If I were to go the gift card route, I would get an AMEX or something she can spend anywhere she wants.

    2. Stationary from Crane’s. It’s the most beautiful paper/cardstock in the world, but it feels too indulgent to buy for myself, since, at the end of the day, it’s *just* paper.

      2. Agree that stationery sounds perfect. Or a nice coffee/tea mug for her desk? Like one of the fancy ones from Anthro that have initials on them?

        1. Ooooh, this too. Someone got my husband and I coordinating initial mugs from Anthro for my bridal shower, and it was one of my favorite gifts, because the mugs are awesome but not something I’d ever buy for myself.

    3. Not sure how much they cost, but a big hit at our Secret Santa gift exchange a couple of years ago was a leopard print Snuggie. The recipient loved it, and it was still talked about the following year. Of course I’m in Canada where it gets pretty cold at that time of year so YMMV.

    4. When I was just out of college, a lawyer I worked with gave all of us (i.e., the 21-24 y.o. paralegal staff) a suite personalized notepads for Christmas. I loved mine and used them frequently. If the intern dresses conservatively, she might be the type who appreciates this kind of thing. Maybe a large and smaller pad (if budget allows) with her first and last name on them?

      1. What about a paperweight? I use mine all the time and I think of the people who gave them to me as I do.

  10. Finacial Hive question, please and thank you:
    I have $12k credit card debt. I have $20k in my 401 (k). Is it crazy to pay the 10% early withdrawal penalty in order to wipe my credit card debt out? Please say no, cause I would love to start from scratch with a new budget etc in 2014. I am 30.
    Has anyone done this and felt good about it?

    1. This is crazy. Do NOT pull money from your 401k to pay off credit card debt. Figure out how to pay it down within your 2014 budget. And figure out why you got into debt into the first place.

      You might consider not contributing to the 401(k) for 2014 to help you get out of debt, but don’t ruin the retirement progress you’ve already made.

    2. Sorry, but I don’t think anyone would recommend this. You would be taking a huge chunk from your retirement. Much better to make a super strict budget for 2014 and commit to wiping out as much of the cc debt as you can.

      1. Thank you, ladies. I needed that.
        I won’t touch the account and will decrease my 2014 401k contributions and work on my 2014 budget.
        Thanks for talking me off the ledge.

        1. Don’t decrease your 401k contributions either. I suggest downloading every credit card and banking transaction you can get your hands on and going through the painful process of figuring out where your money goes. It’s horrible, sometimes embarassing, but enlightening.

    4. I wouldn’t do if. The early dollars into your retirement account are the most important for the long run. Have you figured out how long it will take you to pay it off if you throw all extra money at it? Also, is there a risk that you’ll run up the debt again and then be in the same situation again but just without retirement savings to turn to? It took me 3 times paying off my credit card debt for me to really make the changes necessary to prevent racking up the debt again.

      1. This is an important point – figure out how you got in the hole in the first place, and make sure you address that when setting up your 2014 budget.

      2. Should take me a year or two. So I was basically looking for the easy way out. The one with the least amount of behavior modification ;)
        But seriously, Thanks all for replying and helping me strengthen my resolve!

        1. In my experience the behavior modification is the most important part and ultimately the most rewarding.

          1. Yes, this.

            So yes, your scheme is super crazy. Not only because of the transactional costs, but because you will be at super high risk of running the credit cards back up again if you don’t do the hard work of paying them off with current income.

            If you haven’t already, google “snowball method of debt repayment” and do that. And, of course, lock those cards up tight and do. not. use. them. for. any. reason. whatsoever.

            Good luck! You can do this, and it will be amazing when it’s done!!

        2. You could always transfer to a new card with 0% APR for the year you are going to take to pay it down. I know some people won’t recommend opening another card when you have debt already, but IMO it’s better to have the new card and 0% interest while you are trying to pay it off.

    5. I cashed out a retirement fund to pay off my credit card debt this year and I think it was a great idea. Without outing myself too much, this fund was from a previous job and it wasn’t doing very well so it made sense for me to pay off the credit card debt because the interest rate was significantly higher than my retirement fund’s was. I know this approach isn’t for everyone so I would suggest really doing your homework before you decide to withdraw your money but I’m choosing to snowball my debt so I’ll be able to pay off my student loan debt much faster.

      1. You do know that you could have rolled into another fund, right? That might have better returns?

        And comparing your CC interest rate to the return rate on your retirement investments is apples and oranges. Your CC interest rate is ALWAYS going to be higher than the rate of return on investments in a given year. But that doesn’t mean it makes sense to pay off commercial debt with retirement funds. The value of the investment is that you put the money in now and don’t touch it for years.

        1. I agree on all your points and I agonized over whether I should transfer the funds or cash it out to pay off my debt. After doing a lot of math, I decided that the penalty was worth the psychological win of not only paying off my credit card debt but the added bonus of paying off my student loan debt earlier. I know this goes against conventional wisdom and I don’t think this is a decision to make lightly but I wanted to add to the discussion because I did it and honestly, I’d do it again.

          1. Well, I guess it’s good that you feel it worked for you, but I’d be careful about classifying it as a “great idea” without all of your caveats.

          2. I think at best, I’d call you the exception that proves the rule. Don’t try this at home. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. Professional driver, closed course. Your mileage may (and almost certainly will) vary.

      2. Do you realize you’ll be paying a 10% early withdrawal penalty PLUS tax at your applicable rate (between 15 – 35%)? So the tax you pay on this withdrawal could be as high as 45%. I would never recommend this strategy to anyone.

        1. Um, lots of cc have rates higher that that. If you’ve screwed up in the past, you’d be amazed.

          My credit is better now, but for awhile my cards were in the 30-35% range. Yes, it was because of my own actions, I’m not complaining. I’m just saying, if you’ve always had good credit you’ve got no idea what it can be like out there! :)

    6. In my state is is a 20% penalty. Unless someone is dying or your house has burned down Do Not Touch your 401k!!!!

      1. Thanks again, all. I appreciate the honest and practical feedback. So – not touching the 401(k). Focusing on debt payoff in 2014.

        Breaking old fiscal habits. New budget. I’ll report back next year after I’ve had some debt pay down successes.

  11. Personal days TJ: when do you use them?

    I’ve got two that are set to expire Dec 31st, and I just haven’t had any need for them as they were originally described to me (car broke down, kid got sick, pipe burst in the house, etc). They’re specifically not vacation days, ie if we have a week’s notice beforehand, we should use vacation days. I’ve used a few vacation days when I was going out of town, and some sick days when I was sick, and I still have a few of both, but I don’t want to lose those two free paid days.

    My manager is very understanding about personal time, and there’s no real questioning or grilling about personal days. I was thinking I’d just take a day off some time to just spend some time relaxing, maybe go on a short hike, and just tell her I was “taking a personal day.” Is this acceptable?

    2. Absolutely acceptable. You’re under no obligation to provide them with any additional information. Don’t lose the two “free” days!

    3. YES!! they are *your* days! you get them as part of your compensation for doing your job. Take a long weekend to relax and recharge. You have no obligation to justify the use of your personal days.

      1. As someone who has never had personal days (or sick days, for that matter….) I actually don’t understand this logic. If you are using the days for something other then what they are intended, isn’t that wrong? Doesn’t it lead to fewer benefits of other types over the population to balance out this misuse? And if your boss happened to have the day off too and saw you biking/hiking, wouldn’t they have the right to fire/reprimand you?

        Or is the logic… everyone else is doing it, so I should too?

        1. jeez. Do you also think it’s wrong that sometimes I print personal things on the company printer?

        2. Of course not, it’s a personal day. I doesn’t lead to fewer benefits because it’s expected that you take it off. No need to feel guilty about using something that is given to you. Maybe if you had unlimited sick days and were always faking sick, it would cause someone to want to impose a limit.

          1. Please take the day(s) and enjoy them. Don’t leave the time on the table. If you never use your personal or sick days nobody is going to give you the Employee Medal of Honesty for never using time off the way it wasn’t intended. Enjoy!

        3. Um, no. A personal day is by its very name “personal” and the reason can be anything from a doctor’s appointment, the cable guy, to taking care of a sick child, etc. The employer does not need the level of detail beyond “Boss, I’m taking a personal day next Friday.” There is no misuse in this situation. Misuse can occur in the other direction though — where an employee whose company doesn’t have a use it or lose it policy. In that situation, employees will often hoard their personal days, not use them for unscheduled absences and then come to work sick because they don’t want to “waste a personal day.” I have worked for several companies with a use it or lose it policy on personal/sick days so I always use those up prior to vacation days (which typically get paid out to you upon your departure).

        4. In my company, personal days are also considered to be floating holidays, as corporate does not tend to give us religious holidays off. Some folks will use these to take off Good Friday, etc, but I use them as I see fit.

        5. I just started a new job that gives us 2 weeks of “sick” leave that doesn’t roll over if we don’t use it, which makes sense. Can I use this for a “personal day”? If I want to use one of these days do I have to fake sick? I’m the worst liar ever.

          1. Look at the employer’s policy — the time probably is really just for sick time (not personal business or a day off) but it might be available to cover medical appointments, e.g., or taking care of a spouse or child who is sick.

          2. At a minimum, you can use them for days you have medical appointments. Often, if I hae to go to the dentist, e.g., I’ll just take the day off and use sick leave.

          3. Mental health is a valid use of sick days. If you’re feeling burnt out, or stressed, or just need a break, you are preserving your mental health and should theorectically be a better and more productive employee when you return.

    5. It’s so much easier when you just get X number days off – PTO, vacation, sick, whatever all combined. I think in your case, needing to get your holiday shopping done during the week to avoid the crowds should count. ;)

      1. No! I currently have just PTO and it’s terrible. I always roll over days because I’m afraid to plan vacation but wind up sick a month before and use up the time I intended to use for the vacation. Plus, it encourages unhealthy behavior like coming to work sick because if you stay home, you’re losing out on vacation time. General PTO is awful.

        1. Yep. I used to have mixed sick/vacation time and I definitely came into work on days I shouldn’t have because I wanted to preserve the days off.

        2. Cosign. I have worked where I just get PTO (no separate sick or holiday days), and swears, I will come to work as a walking germball (and hide in my office the whole day) before I give the company the satisfaction of cutting into my hard-earned vacation time.

  12. Hi ladies – My maid of honor just threw me the perfect bachelorette party, and I would like to send her something as a thank you. She is in DC. Any thoughts? I was thinking flowers or a gift certificate for a mani/pedi. Anyone have any DC-specific suggestions? Thanks!

    1. I recommend a gift certificate to Blue Mercury. They offer a wide range of salon services (mani/pedi, waxing, massage) and also have a great selection of cosmetics and other beauty products, so she will have a wide array of options to indulge.

      1. Thanks! Blue Mercury’s products/services look a little expensive. I was thinking $50 range.

    2. Caruso’s on M St NW prepares the prettiest bouquets, I think. No ideas for mani/pedi. Slightly different (if it’s something she’d like)–there’s a good new Van Gogh exhibit at the Phillips Collection–you could get her tickets plus a GC for an elegant snack at the cafe there.

    3. Unless you know what spa she goes to, I would stick with flowers or the like. I’m personally really picky about these things, so I wouldn’t be that likely use a gift certificate to somewhere I didn’t already go. A restaurant gift certificate on the other hand…though I’m not sure I can give you a good rec in the $50 range.

      1. spafinder gift cards can be used in many places. That reminds me, I have one and need to schedule some pampering.

  13. ARGH – What do you do when you get to work and discover moth holes in the arm of your cashmere turtleneck? Hide? Glue them together? (kidding) Keep your arm at your side all day? Darn it all. Is there a way to fix these after the fact? Could a seamstress fix?

    1. That’s where the little packet of threads that came with the sweater are helpful. Those, plus a tailor/knitter can fix the hole. So, yes, it is fixable.

      1. Exactly, but you have to know how to catch the loops (where being a knitter comes in). I discovered a hole like this one day and I put tape behind it so it would hold the loops in place and wouldn’t run.

        1. Oh, good suggestion on the tape. That’s what I was worried about by having to continue wearing it and moving around all day.

    2. I HATE this. Keep them at your side or throw a shawl/blazer over you today. If it’s a sweater you really really really love, you can have a seamstress repair it. Not sure if you saved it from the purchase, but most nice sweaters come with a little bit of extra yarn in a tiny baggie for this purpose. If you’re willing to relegate the sweater to casual use, or your office is fairly casual, you can cover the holes with embroidery. RealSimple also has a few suggestions, but I haven’t tried either one of those.

  14. Ladies, let me know what you would say in this situation.

    I’ve got a girlfriend, and we’re not best friends or SUPER close but we’re friends to the point where we invited each other to our weddings/showers and we will get brunch with each other once in a while. We usually email each other about getting together (she’s not a big texter). We’ve been talking about getting together for a double date, and a few weeks ago she suggested 2 dates that would work for her. I responded and said that X date would work and to let me know what time works for her and that I’m open. X date is this weekend, and I hadn’t heard back so I just emailed her and asked what time worked for her. She said that she had other plans…..it’s a little annoying b/c this is the second or third time that something like this has happened. Where she’ll suggest a date, and then make other plans for that same date. I mean, I know she’s not being rude on purpose (at least I hope not) but I want to respond in a way to let her know that I think that’s kind of rude of her without flat out saying “Wow, that’s rude!”

    Any suggestions?? TIA!

    1. Did you reply to her relatively quickly to let her know that you were open that day? I could see it not being rude if you didn’t get back to her right away (or within a few days, although I would have checked in with you again if I had not heard back and was going to make other plans).

      I think you could respond with something like, “When I did not hear back from you either way I thought we were still on for x day. I wish you would have told me when you made other plans. Shall we reschedule for y day or z day?” (if you want to reschedule, that is).

      1. I did reply quickly, in about 2 days. And then she just didn’t respond in like 2 weeks which is why I reached out again today. It’s so annoying! Thanks for your advice :)

        1. I hate this. I have a friend who won’t respond until 2 weeks after the date I suggested to say “sorry, was busy then, how about x date” and then I say yes and then nothing. Grr.

    2. I think you can nicely call her out on it. Also, next time she suggests a date, how about making firm plans then? You can always tweak them later, but at least then you have a firm “dinner with romey at 7”

    3. I agree with others and I realize how frustrating this can be, but trying to coordinate double dates is FAR more challenging than I realized. I’ll ask DH for 2 dates that work so I can suggest them to the other couple, and he will often schedule something else on one of the dates without realizing. So it may be that her “other half” of the double date is actually the one making scheduling difficult.

      1. that may be true preg 3L, but if that was the case then shouldn’t she apologize and let me know?

        I’m seriously feeling like being spiteful and just not responding at all!!!

        1. Yes, she should have apologized. Also, the difficulties presented by 2 schedules are not insurmountable. She could have copied her SO on the email to you initially laying out the 2 dates, or they could set up a joint calendar (my SO and I have a shared g calendar for joint activities and modifications to our schedules–we have a dog, so we cannot both go out for happy hour the same night unless we make alternate arrangements for our dog).

        2. She should totally apologize, and I agree with what everyone else has said, I was just suggesting that it may be the case that she’s not being quite as rude as it seems.

    4. I have a similar situation with one of my “friends.” For like 3 months I was trying to schedule a dinner with her and we’d make these tentative plans, and then day-of when I emailed to firm up the plans she’d blow me off (either gym, date, or being exhausted from doing the first two so often). The only effort I’d get on her end were these sporadic let’s-have-lunch-in-10-mins” texts that never worked for me. And actually one time I did agree to have lunch (we made plans a few days in advance) and she blew me off. So.

      I struggled with it for a little bit and thought about calling her out on it but ultimately decided it wasn’t worth it. She made clear what her priorities were, and hanging out with me was just not one of them. So I take the relationship for what it’s worth (I’ve downgraded her to acquaintance) and moved on.

      2. I’ve done this. I also have a friend who I always encourage to “come over to my place for wine date.” I’m proficient at drinking wine with or without her, so I’m never bummed when she bails.

        1. I really like this approach. There are two people I know from my undergraduate years who are exactly like this. I think I need more wine, then.

      3. +1 It doesn’t seem like making plans with you is really a priority for her, so I would stop trying to make plans. Sometimes you have to let people go.

  15. My partner and I are just in the early stages of beginning to look for a house to buy. (We currently rent in our major city.) There’s no urgency to this process–we like where we currently live–but we’re definitely ready to own.

    The process seems a bit daunting to me right now. Any tips or resources from you savvier ladies?

    1. Start thinking about your budget – not just how much you have available for a downpayment, but also how much you can spend each month. Renting an apartment allows you to forget about how expensive property taxes and insurance can be, and how expensive home repairs can be. Plan to spend $x per month on your mortgage and then some percentage of $x should go into savings, to cover taxes, insurance, and miscelaneous repairs. Once you figure out a budget, look into getting preapproved for a mortgage. I’ve heard great things about Quicken mortgages.

      Also, start looking at homes currently for sale — either on craigslist or in your local newspaper — and stop by some open houses. The more homes you look at, the more questions you’ll come up with and the more educated you’ll be when you are ready to sit down with a realtor to get serious about buying something. Good luck!

    2. I liked Ilyce’s Glick’s book for first time homebuyers. It’s a bit dated, but it at least gave us some things to think about.

    3. I really liked browsing Redfin, which I would recommend if they post listings in your area. They also have classes, which I never went to but always meant to go to (that is, I cannot vouch for them, but they seem like a good idea). Go to open houses so you get an idea for what you can get in your price range, what areas you like, and what features you want.

      1. Yes – start browsing Redfin now so you can figure out what’s in your price range! Managing expectations with budget is the most important thing you can do.

    4. I didn’t appreciate this before I bought my house, but remember that when you buy your place, a big cost of homeownership is buying enough furniture/furnishings for the house. I budget house furnishings into my monthly budget. I don’t know about everyone else on this site, but once I bought a place, I started upgrading my furniture so that the quality appearance of the furniture matched the quality and appearance of my house. It’s still a work in progress for me, even though my house is maybe 100 sq. ft. more than the apartment I rented. A friend of mine bought a 4000 sq. ft. house about two years ago and 75% of the house is still empty.

  16. Vent! It’s my first day back from maternity leave and I have no work. The managing partners know. I’m so bored and depressed. They gave all of my cases to other associates and aren’t putting me back on them because they’re with Major Client and I’m just back from maternity leave, so they’re going to take it slow. WTF. I’m here to work and I need to be billing. I am sooooooo angry and at a loss as to what to do. Tips?

    1. You’ve been back like 4 whole hours? Chill out. Take a coworker to lunch so they remember you’re back and will send stuff your way.

    3. Simmer down, Tiger! You’ve been back for a few hours. Let people adjust to you being back and remember that you’re around for them to dump work on…If you have reached out to partners and asked for work but still have none in a few days, then go back to managing partners.
      I understand the pressure to bill hours, but unless it’s new information that your cases had been re-staffed, you had to reasonably expect a little ramp-up time. Don’t let it make you depressed; I imagine it’s already an adjustment to be coming off of your leave.

      1. So…what do I do in the meantime? And fwiw, other women have been fired for “not billing enough.” It’s a pretty crappy work environment. They knew I was coming. And even when I first started with no experience, I had 4 cases waiting on my desk. Ugh.

        1. How good have you been while on leave at keeping up with your industry? Are there articles you could be reading, online CLEs you could do, memos/briefs from the firm’s biggest cases that were filed while you were out that you could read? Are you at a level where you interact personally with clients? If so, is there anyone you could catch up with? Just to say “hey, I’m back, wanted to see how things were going.” Also, if your clients are businesses, how many of them closed their fiscal year Sept 30 while you were out? Are there newer financials/SEC filings/press releases from those clients you could read? Was your office always the very picture of organization, or do you have files on the floor, piles of papers that could be reviewed and minimized, stuff jammed in folders because you were too busy to file them properly before? Once you have billable work, the last thing you’ll want to do in the hours you’re away from your baby is catch up on all this non-billable stuff. If you still don’t have billable work by next Monday, that’s worth worrying about. But why not use this time to ramp up again and be ready?

        2. If it’s a crappy work environment, and you’re not being given the tools you need to succeed (sufficient work), then maybe it’s time to look into moving on?

          I don’t have any good advice about what to do in the meantime other than to make the rounds and let folks know you’re available to take on new work. But I worked in a firm with a free-market system where the burden really fell with the associates to solicit work when they were slow; maybe your firm is different and the partners are supposed to dole it out in a more formalized way but are shortchanging you, in which case: see above, re: moving on.

    4. Not that I have experience coming back from maternity leave but it is your first day. Schedule a meeting with your managing partners to discuss workload. Enjoy your relaxed first day back. (Look for a new job if necessary)

  17. My SO is having a meeting with his bosses about a raise this afternoon. I’m trying to concentrate, but I am nervous for him. Plus I really want it to happen! I’m just going to put on pandora and try to plow through work, but man is it going to be hard.

  18. Hi ladies- I’m a little baffled about the dress code for a gala/ball I’ll be going to with my bf next month (a little before Xmas). Thankfully we aren’t paying to go, but the tickets are extremely expensive so I imagine the people there will be dressed to the nines. Here is the dress code:

    “Ladies are required to wear a floor length evening gown
    with long white gloves. In the case of a long-sleeved gown, short
    gloves may be worn. Gentlemen are required to wear a black tail
    coat and trousers, a white shirt with high winged collar, white bow
    tie, white vest and white gloves. Admission will be denied to anyone
    who is not properly attired.”

    How formal does this gown have to be? I’m excited for the chance to wear a full length gown, but I’m clueless about fabrics (especially since it’s a winter event), how heavy it has to be, how much jewelry I have to wear, and what colors go with white gloves (white gloves seem ugly to me but what do I know?). If it’s a long gown that covers my feet, can I wear strappy sandals or is that too inappropriate for winter, even though we’ll be inside the whole time? A friend has a gorgeous royal blue halter floor length gown that I can borrow, but I’m not sure if royal blue goes with white gloves (sounds icky to me) and the dress is quite low cut, so I’m not sure if that’s appropriate.

    Thanks in advance :)

    1. also, any suggestions for dresses under $150 would be much appreciated. I’m 27 and small but hourglass shaped, larger of chest.

    2. This is the kind of thing where I would look for photos from prior years to see outfits.

    4. This is a perfect time to use Rent the Runway. You can rent a floor-length gown for way under $150 that is actually a lot more expensive to buy. They’ll send you 2 sizes, the rental is for 4 days, and then you just send it back when you’re finished. I would go with a darker color since it’s winter. You COULD wear strappy sandals, but I always think they look funny in winter months. Don’t get any summery fabrics like jersey. I would stick with satin or organza (but make sure it doesn’t look summery). You could do velvet if you can pull it off and it doesn’t age you.

    5. +1 for RTR. I love it!

      I also echo the other commenters who have said to scour the interwebs for pictures of last year’s event and other white-tie events.

  19. That jacket would get you laughed out of most offices. The price should be cause for an intervention.

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