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Susedna
So sad I still have so much work to do that must get done by 12/31/2012.
I’m still chugging away on work stuff, although I’m working from home. There’s just so much chaos, too. What’s particularly thankless is, after I get this stuff done, there’s going to be another whole heap o’ work waiting for me come January 2.
And, the weirdness that I sensed when my parents were over for Xmas (I hosted this year), it wasn’t just my imagination. Turns out my parents had a crashing big argument that was quite vicious and nasty before they came over and were trying their best to “act normal,” especially since they knew my in-laws plus a “Christmas orphan” were also going to be at my place for Xmas.
My parents still are at each other’s throats after all these days, and now they’re trying to get me to take sides. I have firmly said, ‘NFW,’ but when the house is quiet, it’s like I can still hear the echoes of their angry, contentious voices ringing in my head.
Ellen
It is terribel to have parent’s who are feudeing all the time. My parents get along b/c my mom is a great cook and my dad handeles every thing ELSE. My dad is getting me a cherry desk for my home office. He SAYS that b/c I work so much that I should be ABEL. To deduct a pro ratta share of my Coop’s fee’s and morgage, which dad pay’s. That should be about 30% he says based on square footeage. He is so smart but that means I CANNOT have my TV IN THERE b/c it must be used EXCLUSIVLY FOR BUSINESS. FOOEY! Now I am goeing have to move the TV to my bedroom and move Myrna’s bike to the living room.
I think I will be more in there with a cherry desk and my files and MacBook air . I have wifi so I can still access the web from there and my iPad. Yay!
Dad is coming in tomorrow so we can watch tv for new years. Mom is staying with Rosa b/c she is pregnant again. I am such a good AUNT! Yay!!!!
Katie
I am sorry to hear that. Maybe you need to schedule some YOU time? Go to the nearest chain massage store and get an hour of pampering. Grab an expresso on the way home and hit your work again. Hugs for the new year.
Monday
At least the firm refusal not to take sides between one’s parents usually means less drama in the long term, if more drama in the near term. Hang in there…
a.
+1. Sorry you’re going through this. The best (and only) thing you can do is to just keep refusing to be dragged into the middle.
Susedna
Thanks. My parents are like many old-married couples– they fight about a surface thing, but it’s really the tip of the iceberg.
The iceberg is some decades old resentment. My parents have been married 40yrs now, so there are plenty of those buried under rugs, in the vases, unthawed in the freezer, etc.
They both prefer the head-in-the-sand approach to exploring the root causes. My mother keeps deluding herself that as long as she prepares healthy, nutritious meals for my father and keeps the house spotlessly clean, she doesn’t have to do anything else for him (including really listening, doing anything remotely related to LGPs, or giving him downtime/alonetime). I get frustrated with her more because she persists in doing stuff that’s clearly Not Working.
My father knows things aren’t quite right in their relationship and haven’t been for years, but he doesn’t have the gumption to make any real changes in himself or in their relationship. I get frustrated with him for his complacency.
The funny thing is, I was afraid that at Xmas, my brother-in-law would do his usual thing of sniping at my poor mother-in-law. It turns out, there was no sniping, and the boisterous, loud presence of my brother-in-law kept both my parents firmly in check. He is the in-law my parents are least-close to and also the last person they want to make a scene in front of, so they behaved well! There’s good in everyone, and I’m seeing the silver lining of my brother-in-law this year! :-)
JadeMoon
How do you know about LGPs or lack thereof? I would never know such stuff or want to know. But on your mom’s behalf, may I state that 40 years with the same grumpy old man, plus old age, plus menopause, plus fear of encroaching end of life, plus physical pain, plus memory of old slights, plus, plus. My husband would be lucky to come home to (or live in) a “spotless house,” and I rarely cook for him. It is hard to be married at all — but 40 years? God bless ’em.
I don’t mean to be mean, not at all, but I don’t have a mom. Love your moms! (and your pops).
Susedna
@ JadeMoon
Because my mother announced it quite abruptly one time when I was having dinner with my parents some years ago.
She announced, with relief and some degree of exasperation, “I’m old now, so no more sex!” It was as if she was crossing off a distasteful chore from her list permanently. I nearly spat out my wine all over the place, but managed to choke, and gulp it all down, eyes a-gog. My father managed to keep his face impassive and was as motionless as a statue.
I quickly changed the subject, but I couldn’t entirely forget that episode.
But I take your point, I think both are stuck in a rut and have done little to be good company. It’s unrealistic to think that your spouse is supposed to solve all your problems and also unrealistic to think that acting like a boring, complacent grump is going to be attractive and fun for your spouse. This goes for both of them.
Question for bay area ladies
Any good thrift stores in the Bay Area? Preferably in the Peninsula (anywhere between Cupertino and Menlo Park), TIA!
Darby
Not sure about the Peninsula, but in SF, I always go to the ones on Sacramento Street & my faves there are the two Goodbyes shops.
Susie
I’m not much of a thrift store shopper so I can’t vouch for selection but there are at least 5 thrift stores in downtown Los Altos – some of the names are Round Robin, Repeter, GW of Los Altos (which is a Goodwill store). So if you have some time I would suggest going down there and enjoy strolling around. There are lots of little boutique shops as well, along with cafes/restaurants. Also there are tons of dry cleaners so very competitive, most hem pants for $8.
SFBayA
The Junior League has a thrift shop in Menlo Park that often has spectacular barely-used designer castoffs. It’s crazy how nice some of the stuff there is.
Anon
TJ: My trainer and doctor have both suggested trying to eat a lot of protein first thing in the morning. The dr. suggested eating lots of egg whites but I just don’t think it’s realistic to cook egg whites every morning when I can barely get a Luna bar unwrapped and in my mouth.
I was thinking of doing protein shakes in the blender. Does anyone use a protein powder they could recommend? Also, any protein shake recipes that don’t taste gross? TIA!
Saacnmama
I usually just buy protein bars and shakes already mixed. In my store they’re in the pharmacy section.
Pb on toast is also an easy protein source in the morning. Just make sure it’s good bread
I love PB, but...
Actually, PB is NOT a good source of protein. It is properly considered a source of (healthy) fat. You’d have to eat many tablespoons of PB to equal the amount of protein in 1/2 cup of egg whites, and that’s probably not what the doctor had in mind. Ditto with eggs — great food, but more fat than protein. That’s not to say you shouldn’t eat these foods — far from it — but only that if you want protein, they’re not the best way to go.
I’ve tried a lot of different whey proteins over the years, and my favorite is made by a company called Syntrax. It’s pure whey isolate — no carbs or fat — and it tastes amazing. They have many, many flavors, but I usually go for something with chocolate. You can get it on “all star health dot com” (no spaces). It’s pricey, but so much better than the store-bought brands that you will never go back.
If you want to do protein shakes, I think a vanilla would be your best bet. If you’re not drinking it straight, I doubt there’s much of a difference across brands. Just be careful what you buy in the store, as some low-quality whey concentrates can cause gastric distress among those of us with delicate stomachs.
Saacnmama
How many egg whites make up half a cup? I was thinking that 2 T of pb have more than the 6g in an egg white, but it sounds like you’re eating them on a whole different scale.
East Coaster
1 egg white is not very much at all though… I would think if you are just having egg whites you are at least having 3, and that sounds much better for you than 6 T of PB
roses
Cottage cheese is a great, low-calorie source of protein.
Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler
I had some reservations at first, but egg whites can be cooked in the microwave for 2-3 minutes. Another thing you may want to consider is prepping some breakfast burritos and freezing them so you can pull one out to defrost at night and toss it in the microwave in the morning before you leave or once you get to work. I have a recipe on my blog which you can get to by clicking on my name or you can Google “make ahead breakfast burritos.”
Homestar
This. Cooking up eggs quickly in a pan takes surprisingly little time. If you keep a pan out just for eggs and quickly clean it after you are done, you should have some cooked egg whites and a clean pan in less than 5 minutes.
Equity's Darling
Not strictly a protein powder, but I’ve been using Vega recently- it’s vegan, tastes delicious, and has 15g of protein (in addition to a variety of other good for you things).
zora
This is the magical solution to getting lots of protein first thing in the morning: Muffin Pan Frittatas!! You can make them with whatever combination of veggies or add-ins you want.
I make up a batch on Sunday, and they last me through the week. I can grab them when running out the door and eat them cold, or throw them in the toaster oven for a couple of minutes to warm up. I’ve also thrown them, cold, between two pieces of bread with a little cream cheese. So easy and so yummy!
http://www.chow.com/recipes/30110-onion-mushroom-and-goat-cheese-mini-frittatas
Anon
This is brilliant! I’m trying to cook more and rely less on breakfast bars and cereal in the mornings, but rarely have time to even scramble an egg. Thank you so much for sharing!
Susedna
This looks wonderful! I’m trying this tomorrow morning. :-)
OK, back to chipping away at this mountain of work with my teeny tiny pickaxe…
Ellie
Similar idea: http://www.katrina-runs.com/breakfast-on-the-run. Love these.
I also add egg whites to steel cut oatmeal. Oatmeal is great because although the steel cut (healthier) kind takes up to half hour to cook on the stove top, it’s very low maintenance and I just let it simmer while I get ready. I add egg whites when there’s about 5 minutes left of cooking and give it a stir.
I was also pretty skeeved out by pre-packaged egg whites because they evoked images of Egg Beaters and I’m solidly in the natural-is-better camp, but TJs makes cartons of 100% egg whites that make cooking omelets very quick in the morning.
Anonymous Poser
I cook a bunch of steel cut oats and cook some quinoa (a complete protein) sepatately, then store them in the fridge. Each morning I just mix the oatmeal, quinoa, and whatever non-dairy milk I have on hand with a little maple syrup before I pop it in the microwave.
Nano
I think cooking eggs is less work than making a shake. Just throw some olive oil or butter in a pan, crack open 2 eggs directly into pan, and fry them up. It is super simple.
L
Get thee to a bed bath and beyond and get a microwaveable egg poacher (or maybe two). Get the liquid egg whites and pour them in, microwave (30 secs – 1:15 min). Top with a little salsa and delicious easy breakfast.
Anonymous
EAS Lean in Chocolate Fudge has 15g protein and 5 grams fiber, which makes a difference in keeping me full. I use a shaker cup and 8 oz of milk. Shake for 20 seconds and ready to drink. Greek yogurt has a ton of protein too.
M-C
I heartily second the suggestion of more protein for breakfast. Really does cut down on blood sugar problems later in the day. But I’m too addled to cook most mornings. Bread and cheese or pate for me. Although I agree that cooking eggs is less work than making shakes, and doesn’t involve loud noises..
I’d advise real protein, as in food, as opposed to contrived things like egg white or protein powder.. that’s a good general principle, as in Michael Pollan’s pithy summary “Eat (real) food. Not too much. Mostly plants.”
Saacnmama
Decide for yourself. http://www.beginnertriathlete.com/cms/article-detail.asp?articleid=332
Note that she suggests drinking a glass of milk to round out the pb’s protein. Some people say milk isn’t for adults, but I still love it.
I love PB, but...
Good article — I completely agree. Note this, as relevant to OP:
“But take note: peanut butter is not protein-dense. That is, two tablespoons of peanut butter, the amount in an average sandwich, provides about 7 grams of protein. In comparison, the calorie equivalent of turkey in a sandwich offers about 20 grams of protein. Athletes who weigh 140 pounds may need 70 to 100 grams protein per day; 200-pound athletes, 100 to 150 grams. For 100 grams of protein, you’d have to eat the whole jar of peanut butter! Unlikely!”
Good suggestion re: milk! OP, what about dairy? Milk, (plain) greek yogurt, and cottage cheese are all protein-dense and don’t require cooking.
TCFKAG
Milk isn’t for adults???? Who are these heathens?
Mpls
Definitely not my dad! That being said, outside of certain cultures (European descent and the like, I believe), there is a tendency for adults to become lactose intolerant and for milk consumption to be limited to the young growing types. I know I find myself drinking less milk than when I was a kid and too much dairy can give me a rumbly stomach – but I do eat cheese and yogurt, so I’m still keeping Wisconsin dairy country in business.
No Cheese Please
We are the 65% of adults of planet earth who are lactose intolerant :).
http://www.npr.org/blogs/thesalt/2012/12/27/168144785/an-evolutionary-whodunit-how-did-humans-develop-lactose-tolerance
Saacnmama
If you’re buying protein bars, read this
http://www.beginnertriathlete.com/cms/article-detail.asp?articleid=332
I follow this guy and know that the story about Dale popping up is true.
Ellie
I’m glad there’s another BT fan on this site :)
Anon
Thanks for all the protein ideas! Really helpful to hear how you’ve incorporated more protein into your diets! I think 3 or 4 Peanut Buster Parfaits a day would be the tastiest way to go, but will try to follow up on your other ideas instead. :)
Bunkster
Any hangover cures you particularly like? I’d have been fine this morning if the power hadn’t come back on at 4 in the morning. That”s when my bedroom light woke me up. And I didn’t do myself any favors by drinking champagne and playing Cards Against Humanity last night.
I can’t remember the last time I was hungover.
a.
Giant glass of OJ and a plain bagel with a fried egg, ham, and Swiss cheese. Then five more hours of sleep.
Good luck, Bunkster, and I hope you feel better soon!
Equity's Darling
Take Vitamin B! It was recently explained to me by a healthcare professional that a hangover is essentially from the byproducts of processing alcohol, and that vitamin b helps the body deal with the byproducts (or something like that?).
Also, don’t take tylenol for a hangover headache, something about being too hard on your liver, you’re better off with advil. Agreed on the OJ, and add like a litre of water, because another reason hangovers are so bad is usually dehydration. Feel better:)
Clomid?
Fertility-related threadjack, lovely corporettes — have any of you ever taken Clomid? I’m on my first round of it, and my period’s late, but I don’t want to get my hopes up. Naturally, the Clomid will affect my cycle, I’m thinking – would any of you be able to share your experiences?
Clomid?
Fertility-related threadjack, lovely ladies— have any of you ever taken Clomid? I’m on my first round of it, and my period’s late, but I don’t want to get my hopes up. Naturally, the Clomid will affect my cycle, I’m thinking – would any of you be able to share your experiences?
test!
Buy a test and use it in the morning!
OP
Never mind. Got my period. But thanks anyway. :(
@emcsquared
I’m catching up on this site’s postings over the last few weeks, and came across your post about your successful CLE presentation – congratulations!! It’s probably weird to congratulate you only now, so much later, but I wanted to tell you it inspired me. Good work!
momentsofabsurdity
Okay, I have a less-than-happy Dude With No Furniture update, for everyone who’s been following that story. DWNF has been basically incommunicado while I’ve been gone, and it’s really been hurting my feelings. I’m spending Christmas/New Years at home with my family, and he unfortunately learned right before Christmas that he was expected to work through the holidays, and had to cancel his flight home (to his home, not mine!)
Since I’ve been back he’s talked to me a bit here and there, but really hasn’t reached out at all and I have gotten tired of trying to reach out to him. I called him on Christmas and he didn’t call me back or wish me a merry Christmas. It hurt my feelings a lot and I have felt like I have been trying to talk to him, but I don’t want to force my company/conversation on someone who doesn’t want to talk to me. I was kind of upset because I really like him, and I feel like I wasn’t being unreasonable in hoping my boyfriend would call me/text me/email me to wish me a merry Christmas or ask me how my vacation is going or whatever. But I didn’t want to get in a huge argument with him while far away, so I decided to just talk to him about it when I got home.
Today, though, I just got sad all of a sudden, and asked him (over GChat) if he was angry with me about something or was having doubts about our relationship, or if something was wrong. I was sick of feeling like an idiot for continuing to reach out. to someone that was virtually ignoring me He basically said, “No, of course not” and said, “I haven’t known quite how to bring this up to you. But I have bipolar disorder, and I think not being able to go home and spending Christmas alone triggered a depressive episode. So this hasn’t been about you, at all. I’ve just been going through a funk.”
I honestly didn’t know what to say, so I asked him if he was okay, and he said yes, and we sort of left it there. I want to be sensitive to the fact that he is clearly going through something that has nothing to do with me – but I still feel hurt that he didn’t consider how his actions would affect me. Is that wrong of me? Would it be insensitive of me to bring up, in person, when I get home, “hey, I know you were going through a lot over Christmas, but I was really hurt that I barely heard from you”? I don’t know much about bipolar disorder, beyond the bare bones, and I don’t know how much he has been able to control what he does/doesn’t do. And I’m sure dealing with a depressive episode and spending Christmas alone is infinitely harder than dealing with my bruised feelings. But I *was* hurt and I *was* planning on addressing it with him, when I got home. Now I don’t know if I should, because I don’t know if that would be insensitive, especially if he feels he didn’t have a lot (any?) control over his actions.
Would appreciate any thoughts or advice from the Hive.
Sigmund
I’m not a therapist, but I have some thoughts on this matter.
First, if he is bipolar, is he taking a drug called Lithium? Apparently, that is supposed to even out the mania and depressive states. Perhaps a psychiatrist might think that type of prescription may help with his condition.
Second, he’s probably depressed, regardless of his bipolar condition, because he misses you. If you and he have accounts on Skype and webcams, then you can videochat with each other. Let him call you when he has time – since he has to work, he probably has a busier schedule. But set it up when you are together again, so that way he understands that he can call you and see you. That should help him be happier.
Third, and a lot of people have said this, you should have more activities on your own. Perhaps you could hang out with your friends, go to a Meetup.com activity (but be safe if you do that), or even go to the gym and exercise. If you miss him, the endorphins that you’d get from exercise would help you feel better about your loneliness.
Hope that helps,
S
momentsofabsurdity
Thanks for the advice! I don’t know if he’s on medication – we didn’t talk about that because the conversation was so brief – I honestly didn’t know what to say and I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. I’d prefer to speak in person. I don’t know what to ask and don’t want to presume to know more than he does about his medical condition, so I want to phrase my questions in an understanding way.
I agree, he’s probably also just down in general (or at least, whatever he is going through is exacerbated) that he had to cancel his plans to see family and spend Christmas (even Christmas day!) working, I think he knows he can contact me whenever – the problem is he really hasn’t reached out, at all, this trip.
I definitely have a lot of activities on my own/we don’t do a lot “together” — we’re still in the early days of this relationship so we’re both still very entrenched in our separate lives I think. I think that staying busy has helped, this trip in general, because I was pretty busy all of most days so I wouldn’t have even had time for more than a brief conversation even if he did reach out. But it still hurts, even if I’m super busy, to look at my phone and realized he hasn’t texted me back or sent me a funny article, or whatever.
Thanks so much for all your advice! Definitely a lot to think about.
Sigmund
You are most welcome. I hope it works out. It is a difficult subject to bring up. One thing that you can try is mirroring. That’s when you talk about a topic about yourself, and then the other person would bring up their experience with it, and then you can more easily bring up the idea that someone you know of took Lithium and was helped with bipolar disorder, after that person saw a psychiatrist.
“My friends were saying that they saw a therapist and they feel so much better now,” and wait for his response. It’s fairly non-threatening.
Once again, I hope everything works out for you.
shortiek
I haven’t been following along with your situation, but I really don’t think you should open with that. It’s not like he was partying it up and ignored you deliberately, it sounds like he was in super miserable holiday situation. Isolating himself is classic depression.
I think having a conversation about how he deals with his bipolar disorder would be more productive.
shortiek
edit to add that opening up to you about the fact that he is bipolar is a big step. Sorry about a crappy holiday but at least he’s being honest with you?
Lila
Agree with this, shortiek, about it being a big step.
SFBayA
Agreed. There is SUCH a stigma against mental illnesses in general, let alone big ones like bipolar disorder. He must really trust you to tell you point blank about it. Having been depressed several times myself, I agree with another here who said that some days, just getting showered and dressed and sitting on the couch was a monumetal burden, as “easy” as that sounds. I know it’s hard to understand if you haven’t been there, but communicating with you and being a good boyfriend like a mentally healthy person would is an almost insurmountable task when severely depressed.
Whether or not you choose to continue the relationship – the ladies here are right that being in a relationship with a person prone to depression (like me) is harder than with a mentally healthy person – I hope you respond to his honesty with compassion, respect, and thoughtfulness.
momentsofabsurdity
You’re right and thanks for the reality check.
I think it’s just that it’s taken me a while to realize that my feelings *do* matter in a relationship, that if I’m upset that *is* okay, and that I should make my feelings known. I’m more the type to just repress my feelings and convince myself that it’s more important that the other person be happy than me. So it’s been sort of a learning experience for me, as I’ve gotten older, to recognize that I do matter and maybe the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction? My thoughts are going every which way at the moment.
You’re right – that probably was a huge step for him. And I’m probably a jerk for wondering things like “Do my feelings still matter?” or “Can I date someone with bipolar disorder?” or “Let’s think about me in this.” I can’t imagine how I would feel, if the situation were reversed, to have to both handle something like that, and reveal it to someone else and wonder how they would handle it. I want to respond to him sensitively and in a caring way, and I think a conversation about how he manages his bipolar disorder would be a really good starting point. It’s not like I want to end things over this – I just want to get a sense of where he is coming from, if he’s being treated, how well controlled it is, what I should expect.
Thanks so much for your advice.
shortiek
Dealing with a mental health issue and dating someone who’s dealing with a disorder are both difficult things in their own way, so definitely don’t feel like you have to be a martyr, just supportive. :)
I think K in transition had really good advice.
Saacnmama
Those are great questions to help you figure out whether/how to continue the relationship. I think the best person to answer them is him. I bet he’s lost relationships before because of this, and would like to hear you pragmatically trying to figure out how you can proceed in a way that doesn’t hurt you/breed resentment.
I’ve known a couple for a couple decades where I think he’s bipolar. They are both very independent people, each have their own activities, even in retirement. When they do things together, it seems to be much more of a decision than for couples where both partners are pretty much the same person, day to day. It seems to me that she just really enjoys the present and doesnt get invested in wishing any particular thing about the future. Could be a cool relationship, or really awful if you’re super into coupledom.
Good luck!
K...in transition
Just saw this and thought I’d weigh in…
Bipolar is pretty major, so it’s certainly fair of you to discuss with him what he’s been doing to work toward maintaining a more consistent lifestyle. It’s also beyond ok for you to express your wants and needs with him. His bipolar status doesn’t mean you don’t get a voice in the relationship.
I would also encourage you to listen very closely to the way he explains to you what he’s doing to life his life with bipolar disorder. A person with a diagnosis can likely lead a very healthy and typical life if the person is seeing the right professionals and taking their advice on therapy/medication/etc. A person not doing that religiously will likely have a good number of set-backs. How he takes care of himself will give you a lot of insight into your future with this person.
I know you’re looking for a healthy relationship and encourage you to remember that it can never be with a partner who isn’t doing his part to be individually healthy.
Signed, a therapist and a realist who hopes he is doing the right things both for himself and because I’m totally rooting for you to find your happiness!
Silvercurls
@Momentsofabsurdity: Hugs. This isn’t easy territory. Also a compliment: Although you’ve been feeling hurt and slighted you can take comfort in the fact that you haven’t shared your distress with him in any way that would cause him distress also.
@K…in transition: Can you give us your professional opinion? I want to recommend the web sites of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health) as two good sources of useful, current, and scientifically-based information on bipolar disorder (what it is, symptoms and treatments, and suggestions for friends and families of people with bipolar). Are my info-sharing instincts good in this situation?
Finally a personal comment: DWNF may really have been unable to reach out to you. Depression can leave you unable to do _anything_. IME I would get dressed and sit in a chair, period. That was it for the day. No more energy. It was like having the fatigue that comes when you’re recovering from the flu, only it was based in my mind, not my body.
Good luck. I hope he’s able to take good care of himself and that you two can keep on enjoying your relationship (not the depression or mania, but the fact that the two of you are still connected).
P.S. Just remembered another resource: Kay Redfield Jamison who both studies and lives with bipolar disorder and has written both the basic textbook on this condition and several memoirs about her own experience. Her books are listed in the article on her in Wikipedia. Of course one person’s memoir isn’t a template for everyone’s experience but perhaps it will be helpful / informative for you.
anon for this
My DH has major depression – some episodes last for months, some years. It is incredibly difficult to be in a relationship with someone with this. Not calling on Christmas can be the tip of the iceberg. I’ve had to get used to not being hurt over little to no contact when SO is in the middle of an episode and it can go on for a very long time. It can also be turbulent — think swings from “I want to be with you forever” to “I leaving you because you deserve better than me”. If I knew this at the start, I’m not sure I’d have stayed. It’s really really really hard. If everything else about him is wonderful, it might be worth it, but I’ve felt like my feelings have been secondary for years because his depression makes it so hard for anything else to take priority.
mascot
I was about to recommend checking out a few of the Jamison books. I heard her speak in college and “An Unquiet Mind” is a very well-written, informative read. Also, and I hesitate to recommend this source because she can be very polarizing, but the blogger for Dooce has written extensively about her battle with chronic depression as has her ex-husband http://dooce.com/2009/07/22/for-those-who-live-with-those-like-me/
Hopefully you can find a way to navigate these waters in a way that fulfills you. It sounds like you are approaching it in a very sensitive and understanding way. I don’t think your questions/feelings are harsh at all. Best of luck.
NYNY
Definitely talk to him about his condition when you get home. Bipolar isn’t always what we think it is, with wild swings between mania and depression. I’m friends with the mother of a bright young man whose bipolar disorder mostly causes episodes of crippling depression. His manic episodes mostly mean he can’t sleep, and he goes through periods of stability, where he’s fine. It’s different for everyone who has it, though, and for you to decide how to handle this information, you need to know more about what DWNF goes through and how he manages it.
My husband is not bipolar, but does tend towards depression. When he’s going through a bad period, it can be difficult for me. He’s less likely to listen to what I’m going through, he shows little to no interest in LGPs, and he’s harshly critical of himself. But I love him like crazy, so I go through it with him. I remind myself that he’s depressed, and I lean more on others if I need support during those times. He knows that he’s less there for me when he’s depressed, and he makes up for it by being extremely supportive the rest of the time. It’s not perfect, but no relationship is. It works for us, and has for 13 years now.
CKB
I also have a dh who has not bipolar, but his therapist says he has a personality type that causes extremes in emotions. Which means sometimes feeling depressed, sometimes not, but never really any manic episodes. It is not an easy thing to have a relationship with someone who deals with these kinds of things. We’ve been married 18 years, and it can be really hard.
I agree with what has been said – ask him how he is dealing with his bipolar. Also ask him how you can best help him, or how best to approach him when you are feeling hurt, etc. I know with my dh the way I express my feelings to him has a bigger impact on how they are resolved than anything else.
Good luck!!
Lila
Oh, honey, I’m sorry about this. I’d be feeling hurt, too, and very lost.
I’m feeling bad for DWNF, too. I’ve somewhat been following your story with him, and it certainly sounds like he’s very much into you. His explanation of why he’s been distant accords with that, too, although I know that probably doesn’t make you feel better. It’s probably a relief to know it’s not you — it seems his feelings for you are the same- but his disorder of course isn’t a happy revelation. Your reaction to him on this startling news was very appropriate and sensitive.
It seems he probably didn’t want to burden you with his depression – I’m sure he didn’t think he was abandoning you, at all. Obviously that backfired, since you’re his girlfriend and would rather be “burdened” than uninformed as to what’s going on.
I know you don’t want to seem or be insensitive, but you should certainly talk to him about your feelings when you’re in the same place again. It’s not insensitive – it’s merely practical. I mean, it *can* be insensitive if you’re unkind to him, but I’m sure you won’t be. If you’re going to remain in a relationship with him, then you’ll want to decide together how to manage.
momentsofabsurdity
Lost is the perfect word for what I feel Lila. Thanks so much for your thoughts.
cc
Does anyone know a clothes donation place that picks up in DC? I have some nice mens and womens stuff including coats but can’t really afford the zipcar to donate it. metro accessible would be ok as well. tia!
Ellen
If you have INTERNET acess, you should go ON LINE to the Salvation Army’s web site where there is a way to schedule pickups of your clothe’s.
Here is the link:
http://www.donationtown.org/charity/salvation-army-donation-pickup.html
This prooves that the hive work’s both ways!
I also want to thank the HIVE for helpeing me with my POWERPOINT, which I e-mailed to the BAR Association! Yay!
The manageing partner did NOT even want to read it first. He said JUST send it on, b/c it was 3 day’s late. That shows he TRUST’s me! Yay!
The manageing partner also said that next year should be a good one IF I keep bringeing in NEW cleint’s. There may be a fiscal cliff, my dad says, but this is ONE time I hope he is NOT right. He says there is to much partisen politic’s (whatever that mean’s) and he does NOT think any one want’s to give in.
I have to go to Saint Louis next month. FOOEY! Jim is lookeing forward to it, but I have had ENOUGH of all of this ANTI TRUST stuff. DOUBEL FOOEY! I am NOT in favor of anytheing ANTI any more. There should be an Anti-Anti Trust. That I could live with.
I am spendeing the day with Roberta and Myrna after Myrna come’s by to pick me up and drive to Riverdell, but will have to be back here by 9:30 tonight when my dad is comeing over to watch the ball drop on TV! Yay!!!!! Happy New Year to the HIVE!!!!! Happy new Year, Kat!!!!!
Partial answer from Silvercurls
Partial answer; hope this helps.
1) Sometimes peoples’ kids have scouting or regular or religious school projects involving gathering clothing. Keep an ear open at work or wherever else you might see kids’ parents (gym? congregation? etc) for this information. You could also try calling a congregation or scouting organization.
2) The organization JConnect (formerly known as the Jewish Information & Referral Service) keeps track of all sorts of obscure information such as where to donate used medical equipment. Here are my web footprints:
* go to www (d0t) jconnect (d0t) org
* from horizontal menu at home page, click & hold on News/Resources (at far right), then select Non-Monetary Donations
* when the new page appears, click on Clothing. This brings up a PDF listing organizations that accept donated apparel. Although the PDF is labelled “last updated November 2011” it’s not necessarily outdated. (Hey, JConnect is trying to do more work with fewer staff just like everybody else…) The list includes full contact info including organization street address, phone #, & website.
* Organizations that ask you to drop off donations appear on pages 1 & 2. Some of these might be sufficiently metro-accessible for you. Maybe some of these places now offer pick-up service (or maybe I’m just too optimistic)?
* Organizations that offer donation pick-up service appear on page 3. I called two of the three to confirm this info.
— At the National Children’s Center the telephone dispatcher said they do pickups on weekdays between 8 am and 8 pm. I didn’t get into the nitty-gritty details such as “what do you do if the donor lives in an apartment.” Frankly the operator sounded sufficiently tentative & disempowered that I was uneasy asking any more questions about any so-called out-of-the-ordinary pickup situations. (Why is it so hard to transmit detailed information from the dispatcher to the driver? Maybe I’ve just had too many bad experiences trying to explain things to taxi dispatchers, but rrrawr!)
— At Community Connections I got forwarded to the office manager’s extension/voice mailbox.