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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 159 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Dolce Vita Cassius

Coffee Break |

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These boots are highly rated and look great — especially in black, which would go really well with tights, but also in the gray and taupe. I like the slightly pointed toe and the simple zip up the back. They come in sizes 6–13 and are on sale at Zappos, from $140 to $96. Note that Amazon has lucky sizes and colors as low as $50! Dolce Vita Cassius This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 9.30.24

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Comments

    • Anonymous

      No me gusta. It looks like an “after” picture from too much drunken stumbling. Glass half full version: would look good with ripped jeans :)

      • Never too many shoes...

        I kind of love the distressed gold leather for weekend wear.

        • Anonymous

          In which case, may I introduce you to my very good friend, the Frye Deborah . . .

          • Never too many shoes...

            The Frye’s are too cowboy-ish. Or maybe I am just too old now, because when I was in undergrad, I had short purple suede cowboy boots that I wore *everywhere*.

          • Maudie Atkinson

            Honestly, I love those. They are perfect in a Dolly Parton, too much is never enough kind of way.

    • Anon

      Huh? I think I’m missing something. I don’t see any gold leather either in the photo or on the links. Where are you seeing that?

  2. anon

    Paging anyone in Vancouver: Going up there later this week for personal stuff that will involve minimal time outside. My gut says a waterproof trench (with liner) will be enough, but my mother’s voice in the back of my head says that I should just pack a ski jacket.

    • Ariadne

      I am wearing my puffer jacket in vancouver. Later this week itis supposed to be colder– right now it is sunny, cold and dry.

  3. Lauren B

    Opinion needed. I own the Kate Spade Broome Street fit-and-flare dress in red. While it is short on the model, it is knee length on me. I bought it for an event where one was required to wear a red dress. Can I wear it to a friend’s daughter’s confirmation at 5 pm on a Sunday night, followed by dinner? It”s a modest dress – crew neck, three-quarter sleeves, and covers my knees. It’s form-fitting through the waist as it’s jersey material, but it’s not tight because, well, it flares back out at the bottom. I would wear it with a long pearl necklace, nude heels and a champagne-colored handbag so the accessories are elegant. I’m just concerned that a red dress is too “look at me,” but on the other hand it’s a classically cut dress and I wouldn’t hesitate if it were any other color. https://www.katespade.com/products/ponte-fit-and-flare-dress/716454239445.html?utm_source=googlepla&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=716454239445&gclid=CKnZir_So9kCFRunZQodCzkMVQ&gclsrc=ds

    • cbackson

      I read that when I came out, found it interesting, and have often thought about it. The idea of a family “narrative” (“we do X,” “we are like X,” “in our family, we X”) made a lot of sense to me once I heard it expressed. I’d classify my own family as having a strong narrative, although since I can’t live a counterfactual, not sure how I would have turned out under different circumstances.

    • Anon

      I saw this and it made me wonder what impact that has on people who don’t know their culture – like is that a contributing factor to certain negative outcomes of groups (ex. adopted/foster kids, A-A with slave roots who lost their culture when brought over, people displaced/refugees from their native countries particularly when they were young, etc.)

      • Anonymous

        There is a narrative of striving / persevering. Adopted kids are chosen.

        Contrast with Hillbilly Elegy folks . . .

    • Jeffiner

      Wow. My own family has a very weak narrative, and while before reading this article I never knew how to articulate it, I would say that it has always had a negative impact on my life. I can’t answer any of the “Do You Know” questions. My father’s family was abusive, so I can’t blame him, but my mother just prefers minimal contact with her family. When I was born, my parents moved across the country from her family.

      I visit my mom’s family regularly now, and while they treat me like the rest of the cousins, I feel like an outsider. I’m jealous of my cousins who got to grow up with grandparents who were more than just voices on telephones. One of the reasons I made the terrible decision to marry my high school sweetheart was that he had a very strong family narrative, but I suppose the experience of “being alone” helped me divorce him.

      My current husband’s family also has a strong narrative, and when we were dating I felt inadequate because of it. My husband and I live a plane ride away from any of our family members, and I feel sorry for our daughter. My parents divorced, and my brother prefers minimal contact with any family members. It really hurts my dad.

      My husband and I have very specific jobs that will not allow us to relocate near family. I feel like moving away from home for work, or for any other reason, is more common now than a generation ago. I wonder how this will affect families, and what we can do about it.

  5. Anonymous

    Thinking of that introvert discussion yesterday.
    Is that an acceptable thing to say when asked “What is your weakness?” in an interview?
    I mean it as a weakness in the sense that it holds me back – perceptions of me are wrong. As to how I work around it or try to fix it, saying that I try to go out of my way to be more sociable and less in-my-shell to give a better perception.

    • Anonymous

      Depends on the job/role probably, but in most cases I don’t think it’s a very good “weakness” to give in an interview. Certainly at a law firm it would be a big turn off, even though I don’t think that’s necessarily fair.

    • Wow

      Definitely not because chances are your interviewer could be an introvert who may take offense that you view that as a weakness. If you want you could say something like you can be a bit reserved at first but that you open up after you get to know someone…but I don’t know.

    • Pompom

      I think it’s fine to say that you have experienced minor challenges due to how you are naturally inclined to operate, but you’ve actively taken x, y, z steps to overcome or improve in that area. Communicate that the effort to correct this came from self-evaluation, sua sponte, not feedback. Avoid pinning this on perceptions of you, though; that may not be taken well in an interview. It’s all in the framing. Start with the fix, not the “my weakness is” statement.

      Something like “I’ve been working to more visibly and actively demonstrate my attention/interest in my work to overcome my natural inclination to be introverted. Left to my own devices, I would be happy to toil away at a project or in my office, cranking out great work. But I know that the relationships and external connections/attention are important to our business, so I have been pushing myself to connect with folks outside my office/project/whatever, which has allowed me to temper my own introverted nature when needed.”

      I’ve actually used the opposite–one of my “interview weaknesses” used to be my extroversion–to good reviews. Obviously, YMMV.

    • Anonymous

      Play the game.

      The “your weakness” question is not supposed to get a candid answer. It is supposed to elicit a story about how you have a secret strength. “I may seem quiet in meetings but I want to listen to many points of view because it helps me analyze the issues being discussed in a thoughtful and more comprehensive manner.”

      • Anonymous

        Or, a weakness in some situations is a strength in others. I think the question is also about storytelling, whether you can introspect and how you deal with challenges in which the weakness came out but you dealt with it.

      • Anonymous

        Eh – it’s about recognizing your faults and figuring out how to compensate for it. Not a secret strength.

  6. Linda from HR

    Something good happened today! Well, good things are happening a lot, life’s good, but today’s good news is still awesome.

    For months, I’ve had a cube neighbor who complains all day. She comes in on Monday, complains having to be back at work, weekend’s not long enough, it’s too cold outside, she’s tired, she’s hungry, she hates rain and hates snow even more, and seems to hate her job in general, always counting down the minutes until she can leave. I think she assumes everyone is as miserable as she is and she wants us to commiserate, but I’m not miserable at all, and I see no point in complaining about all that stuff. I know her job is frustrating, but I can only sympathize with her to a point, it’s gotten to be way too much for me and I’ve been trying to find a way to stop it.

    Today, my manager told us all that we need someone to move away from the cube group to a different section of the office, and asked if anyone wanted to volunteer. I volunteered immediately! Not only am I gonna be working somewhere much quieter and secluded, far away from Whiny McWhineface, but people keep thanking me for being willing to move. Everything is awesome!

    • Anonymous

      That’s amazing that no one else took up that offer! Congrats on the change of scenery!

      • Linda from HR

        Well I think moving cubicles is enough of a pain, and people would rather not unless they had to. Plus, the other three in my area have similar jobs, and talk to each other throughout the day about work stuff to it makes sense that they sit near each other. And I’m technically on the same team as them, but my job function is different enough that I’m often the odd woman out.

  7. Boston GYN at MGH

    Do any Boston readers have a gynecologist at the main MGH campus they recommend? Or somewhere near there (not a suburb)? I’m not intending to have children so not as focused on the OB side of OB/GYN. Thank you in advance.

    • Two Cents

      Dr. Holly Khachadoorian-Elia is wonderful. She was my OB but also does the gyn part as well. She’s so compassionate and has a great beside manner, not to mention very competent.

      • Anon 4 This

        Yes! Yes! Yes! Literally saw her this morning for my OB appointment. But she’s been my GYN for a while, too, and is the bombdiggidy. She’s also why my fertility issues were diagnosed way sooner than normal – she’s outstanding.

        • Anon 4 This

          Also, I recognize you don’t plan on having children, but my point is she listened to me and was extremely thorough and thoughtful. Vincent Gynocology is the name of her group on the 4th floor of the Yawkey building.

  8. Anon

    I just noticed that when you scroll down a bit, there is a header bar now with the main menu. In Chrome, when scrolling with my mouse wheel, I sometimes can’t get all the way back to the top (I will get almost to the top and then the header bar will flash/flicker). Is this new or have I just not noticed it before?

    • Anonymous

      It’s new and combined with the bottom and side ads, it makes the screen feel really crowded to me. Plus it sticks around when you minimize to harder to minimize the window to an email looking size when you don’t want to advertise what you are reading.

      • Anon

        Just tried reducing the size of my screen and not only does it stick around, it will word wrap to take up two lines (or more) if you reduce the width enough

      • Anonymous

        Would that work for the toggle bar though? It’s not an ad. Plus I know some aren’t using it because they can’t install anything on their computers depending on how tight their IT are.

      • Anon

        OP here. I have AdBlocker but it is not blocking this header, I guess because it’s not an actual ad, it is part of the s!te. Unless there is a configuration change I can make.

      • Anonymous

        Ad blocker doesn’t help with the top bar. It’s frozen like you can do in Excel spreadsheets. I agree it’s super annoying. It also kind of defeats the point – I can’t click this s i t e’s name in the bar to get back to the homepage, I have to scroll all the way back to the top.

      • Different anon

        I run adblocker and still see the sticky header (and hate it). At least the sidebar ads disappear upon scrolling down far enough.

    • Anonymous

      While we are at it can we please get rid of the Netflix ad with the naked guy in the ziplock bag?

  10. Anonymous

    Anyone see the news re the new food stamp proposal? The administration wants that anyone getting over $90/month to br transitioned off and instead get a box of food from the govt (per what – week? Month?). Seems mean. Even if the boxes have everything you need nutritionally – bc you’re poor you can’t pick which brand of cereal you want or your kids can’t decide that spaghetti is sooo much better than ziti – bc it’s all pasta and the govt will issue what it issues. I don’t get it.

    • Anonymous

      I think the monthly box only replaces half your benefits and you still get the other half in cash. But yeah I agree it seems weirdly controlling, and I’m also skeptical the box would go as far as the cash since it generally costs a lot more to buy groceries and healthy food than it does to buy fast food.

    • Anonymous

      So basically you’d get a glorified food pantry box of preservatives and no fresh products. It also means less income for local grocery stores.

      • Anonymous

        I think under Trump’s plan, you would still get half your benefits in cash. So the idea is the box would be shelf-stable basics and then you would use the cash to get perishable things. But I’m not sure the math works out because things like bread and milk cost a lot less than meat and veggies.

    • Anonymous

      It’s a horrible idea and if they want to take into account allergies, dietary restrictions, etc, it sounds like it could get really complicated.

      I mean honestly Trump would probably like the poor to line up in a bread line like communist Russia.

      • Anonymous

        This. If allergens like peanut butter are included it’s a nightmare for parents and if they are excluded them poor people lose a cheap protein source.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      I hadn’t seen this.

      This is awful. It reminds me of something from the Hunger Games. Are we going to reward communities that don’t cooperate with ICE?

    • Anonymous

      Didn’t we used to do this (perhaps we do this still)?

      I used to babysit for people who had government cheese in the refrigerator.

      FWIW, I have choices and my kids aren’t happy b/c they are *my* choices still and not my kids’ choices. Frankly, my kids should be better about accepting what is placed on the table. Someone had to go to work to earn the $ to buy your food and that someone left work early to cook it and pick you up from afterschool. I know that’s not what you posted about (which is having zero choices), but kids these days . . .

      • wildkitten

        SNAP benefits go to adults. Like you, those adults often use them to buy food for children, but the children aren’t being given the EBT card to go buck wild on candy corn.

    • nasty woman

      I get it.

      1.) Better stop those poors from buying steak and lobsters, amirite?? Red meat to the base! (no pun intended)
      2.) Better stop those poors from spending their (my) money on junkfood, amirite? Red meat to the base!
      3.) OHHH what a fun new opportunities for getting those sweet, sweet government contracts in the food industry
      4.) Any and all opportunities to degrade someone getting public assistance and remind them that they need public assistance should be maximized.
      5.) More red tape/bureaucracy/burden on government with less funding = poor performance/efficiency by government –> strengthens argument that government can’t do anything right –> resulting in conclusion that “government is not the solution.”
      6.) All boxes will come with free sets of bootlaces. And a copy of Atlas Shrugged.

      • Anonymous

        IDK

        It’s funny how better off / time-starved people can pay to get boxes of food. And yet we can’t give boxes of food away to people.

        I know that they are very different boxes. But the box thing is such a thing now. Everything comes in boxes. It’s like food doesn’t really come from animals or plans, just cardboard. [Same thing with clothing — it was once a plant or an animal (wool) or maybe a chemical (nylon) or made by an animal (silk).]

        Food pantries are a medium — you get a box, but you get to fill it with what is there.

        • Anonymous

          If they were allowing people to choose to receive grocery delivery of groceries they want and can actually use if they want that instead of cash then it might be useful. It’s not like they are proposing hello fresh for poor people. And hello fresh type food is time consuming which is a luxury than many people working two jobs or balancing a job and elder care do not have.

        • Anonymous

          I think the rich people choose (1) to get the box in the first place and (2) what’s in the box.

    • Anonymous

      Did this used to be the case in America ever. I feel like I’ve heard people refer to “govt cheese” and I figured it’s bc on food stamps back in the day, either food was issued to you or there were strict limitations on what you could buy. Seems so much better now — like you can buy whatever as long as you have enough on your card. I know WIC and SNAP differ but there’s so many items (most of them?) in every store where the price on the shelf says – WIC eligible along with giving the $ price.

      Who knows if this’ll happen? Hopefully not. He issued it in his budget proposal yesterday but Congress sets the budget and this is just guidance. Though I guess Ryan has forgetten that he grew up with certain benefits in a single parent home.

      • Anonymous

        I grew up in a low income, single parent household eating government cheese, powedered eggs, and canned chicken from food pantries. USDA allocated the food to local pantries. I don’t think people ever directly received rations. We also had food stamps that were actual coupons, and it was extremely embarrassing.

    • TheElms

      Is there a good article on this? I would think there will be a lot of hidden costs associated with delivery of the food box that will make it less efficient than just giving ppl money.

      • Anonymous

        Google food stamps. Every paper has coverage. LA times had a decent article. Yeah there’s procurement, warehousing and distribution that’ll all cost $ – though I bet there will be some lucrative govt contracts going to friends and family. Plus there’s talk that instead of delivering, ppl would have to go pick up rations at a central location. IDK how it’ll work but I’m picturing what happens when you miss a UPS delivery and are sent to your “local” distribution point. Often it can be a warehouse 30 miles away. Do they realize ppl who are paycheck to paycheck have just enough $ for gas and can’t be fitting in long car rides for food?

      • Anonymous

        There’s got to be an angle here for the farmers, manufacturers, and distributors. Government cheese was a way to artificially prop up dairy prices.

    • Anon

      Has anyone analyzed the potential additional transportation and logistical cost of this? I’m sure it will pretty much offset any savings. Also, the ignorance of transportation challenges of people that need food benefits is ridiculous (if considering a central pick up point), as is the method of having it be so blatant that families require benefits – some people are embarrassed to need food help (not that it’s really their fault that they need it to feed their families) and the charge card, as well as freedom of purchasing is far more discreet than a central pick up station where they can be targeted, or a delivery service, which will probably be dropped off while people are at work or whatever volunteer program they are required to do to maintain the benefits, and the food will be stolen from their front door.

      This is all kinds of stupid.

    • Anonymous

      I am someone with work experience at multiple levels of this issue and who currently lives in a working class to low income neighborhood. There is a host of issues with this plan. It is demeaning to those who will receive the food and completely inconsistent with the overarching policy objectives the Trump administration pretends to have. It is a plan proposed by people who have absolutely no information about or interest in solving the problems of people with limited/low/no income. This “solution” will take away jobs and negatively affect small businesses in lower income neighborhoods, exacerbate the current food desert issue affecting large swaths of metropolitan areas, and create opportunities for theft. It will negatively affect the banking system that profits from having the “float” from money that moves through the EBT system. It has strong potential to create more obesity risk. It will create indignity for the recipients. It will provide opportunities for bribery and undue influence in the contracting process. It could influence farming on a massive scale. It is a “big government” solution to a problem that does not exist. It is discordant with all of the right-wing rhetoric of small government, personal responsibility, pulling yourself up by the bootstraps, etc. And I am not one to jump on the bandwagon of saying that government is bad at providing services to people, but I have been a part of several USDA food taste tests and, despite good people’s good efforts, they were not pleasant experiences. The distribution vehicle will also be problematic, whether we are talking about delivering packages and leaving them on peoples doorsteps (not encouraged in lower income areas) or forcing people to spend their time and money to get to some distribution center on an inflexible schedule imposed upon them by the government. This is not a small market either. WalMart and Amazon are currently in a massive war to capture the food stamp recipient market. This would reverberate through the economy in ways this administration hasn’t bothered to consider in service to some goal of embarrassing people who need help.

    • Anonymous

      There is some epic fraud within food stamps and a lot of people who sell them for cash. “Government cheese” has been a thing, both here and in Europe. We used to have food stamps that were allocated for particular foods. People would still have their own money to spend on the types of food that they want.

      So pretending that this is some completely unjustifiable, mean, evil thing that has never ever been done before is just plain wrong.

      I do not support this proposal, but I would support a proposal that would, for example, restrict *SOME* of the food stamp money (for example, everything over $50/month per person) to WIC foods. That leaves $50/month to spend on whatever the heck people want – birthday cakes for the kids, the fancy pasta that just makes people feel better about life, etc., but ensures that the bulk of the money goes towards healthy, nutritious food.

      (Part of me wonders what would happen if technology and innovation were brought to this food-stamp box proposal. If, for example, people with internet connections could select which types of foods they wanted, allergies and dietary preferences were taken into consideration, and when/where they want the box delivered, it could be like Amazon but for food. Absent such flexibility, and absent some evidence that the extra cost of personal packaging and delivery would save money overall, I’m uncertain about it.)

      • Anonymous

        There already IS Amazon but for food. And Amazon wants into this market.
        Also, there is not “epic fraud” in the SNAP program implemented through EBT. There is some limited fraud, as there is in virtually every channel of the economy and every government benefit, and that fraud has been on the decline for years. Also, those who truly got rich from food stamp fraud, when the stamps were paper and enforcement was substantially more complicated, were not individual recipients, but vendors who were taking advantage of those recipients’ need/desire for actual cash. This “food box” proposal would merely create fraud of a different kind — fraud that would again benefit people on the other side of the transaction.
        People of every income level would benefit from having someone enforce limits to what they can spend their money on. I don’t agree with enforcing such restrictions solely on those who can least afford them. And the outcry from the GOP when the school lunch program was forced to incorporate healthful foods was deafening. I saw nothing in the budget proposal that would help make fresh and nutritious foods more affordable and accessible and certainly nothing that will punish the producers of the most unhealthful foodstuffs. The only reason there is a fresh banana in a store within 2 miles of my home is the SNAP program. Cut the $$ available to be spent through SNAP in half and I don’t expect most of the quick stop markets in low income areas to have anything better than a Pop Tart on the shelves.

  11. Anon

    I am so angry at my coworker. He just told me he thinks he has the flu, hahaha, isn’t that funny, LOL he feels terrible, his body hurts. He didn’t tell me this until after he let me help him with a task on his computer.

    I am immunocompromised. No, it isn’t funny. I’m almost in tears I’m so upset. He KNOWS I can’t get the flu. I am spitting mad.

      • Anon

        I would but our HR person (our one HR person) will, trust me, not be of use here.

    • Anonymous

      OMG – go wash your hands ASAP and your face too if you’ve touched it. I’d also shower and change clothes as soon as you get home. Doesn’t help anything you breathed in but helps in case you have germs on your hands/face.

      • Anonymous

        If you’re up for home prevention – eat raw garlic and jalapeños if you can. IDK why but eastern cultures swear by these things and what can it hurt?

        • Two Cents

          Anytime I feel the slightest sickness coming on, I suck/nibble on 1/2 a garlic clove. It works miracles.

          • Anonymous

            Do you mean like a hard candy and just spit it out (so you get the juices) or do you actually eat it? Can you cook it or does this change the chemicals – like brown it up and have it with oil and bread? (Though TBH IDK if restaurants that do garlic and oil w bread do it raw.)

          • Two Cents

            I suck it at first and then slowly chew it bit by bit. I don’t always eat the entire thing (it’s STRONG, to say the least, I immediately feel my nasal passages clearing up) but I try to eat at least a good chunk of it. I swear this works miracles. And it’s cheap and probably sitting in your fridge anyways.

          • Two Cents

            To answer your question, I think ideally you’re supposed to eat it raw. No idea why but this is what my mom/grandma always told me to do. I eat a lot of cooked garlic too (desi here) but for sickness, it’s raw all the way.

      • Anon

        I washed my hands, washed my face, scrubbed down my mouse and keyboard with Lysol, and shut my door because he works just outside my office. I have a meeting in an hour but I’ll be going home after that and if anyone challenges me they can go directly to he11. I went and grabbed lunch because I was too angry to be in my office. Still am. May go work in the coffee shop downstairs until my meeting because, again, he works right outside my office door.

        He apparently does not understand that the flu could kill me. It’s not funny. It’s not funny at all. I am so mad I am having a hard time avoiding a string of words that would put me in mod.

        To the poster below, I had it last year and I felt it coming on the day before I actually was knocked down with it.

        AURGH I am so mad.

        • Anonymous

          Pls tell me you said to him – wtf and gave him an earful – instead of backing away sweetly?

          I know you’re mad but honestly I think it’s better to stay in your office w your door shut than to go to a coffee shop with ppl coughing and sneezing (someone could’ve coughed on the table you’re at 3 seconds before you sat down and you wouldn’t know). In addition to showering/changing at home I would do the garlic thing too. What can it hurt and some of those natural chemicals are potent.

          • Anon

            First I yelled at him when he told me. Then, when he joked about it to another colleague, I went out and yelled at him in front of that colleague. Then when he started laughing and breathing really loud when I walked by I informed him that I didn’t know whether or not he was serious, but that it wasn’t a (hissed swear word, hissed swear word) “joke” and that I could DIE if I get the flu, and then he’s like “I’m not sick, hahah! Well, only a bit, well, okay, feel pretty bad, but I have a happy hour tonight!” That was when I went into my office and slammed the door.

            So, yes, I gave him an earful. Three times.

          • Anonymous

            Do what you need to do now but how is yelling and screaming and huffing around emotionally going to do anything? Bc branding you that hysterical woman in the office that guys like this will mess with going forward?

          • Anon

            I’m generally pretty chill. Everyone knows this at the office. I am kind, and I don’t yell. I hold my own, but I am laidback. However, I do not mind if this person and others in the office know I have zero, zero patience for these kind of jokes and will be very outspoken about it.

            But thanks.

          • Anonymous

            Omg seriously she gets b*t c h e d at for possibly not saying anything to him and then again for being “emotional” when she did say something? Just stop. Yes it is fair to express anger when someone flippantly compromises your health and then e f f i n g gaslights you about it.

    • Anonymous

      Sorry, that s*cks. I think a lot of the “my co-worker came into the office sick” threads lately have been a little over the top, but your co-worker’s behavior is just cruel.

      On a practical note, you might ask your doctor about Tamiflu. I’m pregnant and my OB told me she’d recommend I take it preventatively if anyone I was in close contact with came down with the flu. I think she was thinking more of my family, not a co-worker, but it’s still worth checking.

      • Coalea

        If you haven’t already, consult your healthcare provider to see if there is anything you can do to minimize your chances of getting sick and/or reduce the severity if you do get sick. Good luck!

    • Jen

      “Are you serious? If so then I need to go home. And frankly you should, too. Why are you here?”

    • Anonymous

      That is really cruel of your co-worker. I hope for your sake that he doesn’t actually have the flu. Having just had the flu, I can’t imagine going to work with it because I could barely walk to my kitchen let alone trek to work.

    • Anon

      I would go to HR even if they won’t be helpful. Just document this extremely inappropriate behavior.

  12. Anon for this

    I’m on progesterone as part of fertility treatments and I’m just constantly ravenously hungry. Last night I ate a healthy dinner of a large piece of fish and roasted cauliflower but was still starving. Then I had a big bowl of tortilla chips. Still starving. Then I had a donut. Finally satisfied. It’s day two. I’m on this two weeks. I’m going to be 20 lbs heavier if I keep this up but I can’t concentrate on anything when I’m so hungry. I just needed to vent somewhere.

    • Anonymous

      this is a thing. my husband has this with his anxiety meds. he basically eats a 4th meal and I’m shocked that a 1/3 increase in this food intake has not made him that much heavier (but close).

      fight the good fight — I am cheering for you

    • Anonymous

      Fish and cauliflower is not a filling meal. Add some fat. And some carbs.

      • Anonymous

        +1 Agree.

        That is not a meal.

        Next time, try some peanut butter on toast. And drink a big glass of water. And end with sipping tea.

        • Anonymous

          This is meant as an alternative snack to chips/donut.

          Just try grabbing something else that can give you some fat and fiber, without going all the way to the good stuff(!donuts!). Save the good stuff for when you really want to treat yourself.

          Agree that you need some fat and complex carbs with your dinner.

          I usually always have two vegetables, and at least one is a bit starchy to help fill me up. Sweet potatoes are your friend. Even better, add a salad to every meal. It still is good for bulk to help fill you up.

    • Anonymous

      Try eating enormous portions of veggies, fruit, and lean protein. I know sometimes that doesn’t help with weird hunger cravings, but it’s worth a shot. I know how this feels because when I get hormonal on my monthly cycle I get ravenous as well.

      • Anon for this

        Thanks. This is a good idea. I’m trying to eat every couple of hours too instead of just giant meals at meal times.

    • Flats Only

      Try to have some carbs and a little fat with your meals. A baked potato with a pat of butter on it would have probably filled in for the donut, and stopped you before you got to the tortilla chips. Just fish and cauliflower sounds like a recipe for being hungry an hour later, regardless of what’s being done to your hormones.

    • Anon

      No advice, but I feel ya. There are so many layers of suck in infertility, and hormonal weight gain is definitely one them. Ughh.

  13. Money woes

    My husband and I were used to be completely on the same page about money – we both wanted to save as much as we could and scrimp on luxuries to pay down debt really fast. But now we’re in our late 30s and we’re really objectively well off: we have no debt at all, have a $50k emergency fund (which would last us a very long time in our LCOL area), we’re maxing our 401ks, contributing a ton to our child’s college savings account, putting a lot in general savings accounts and there’s still a lot left over. I feel like this is the time in our life when we can loosen our purse strings a little bit and indulge in some small luxuries. I continue to believe saving is really important and I’m not talking about blowing a huge chunk of money all at once or anything like that, just increasing our spending by maybe 5-10%. But it seems like the better off we get financially, the more my husband wants to double down and save more, more, more and any hint of indulgence on my part seems to set off an argument. The last one was because I bought fancy pasta at the grocery store. I understand wanting to be frugal and I feel like I am in many ways, but I also feel like I’m almost 40 and I have a net worth of well over a million dollars, I shouldn’t have to keep buying Barilla when some nicer pasta catches my eye at the grocery store. If it matters, we both work full time but he earns significantly more than me (we could totally live on my salary alone though, see LCOL area). Anyone been in a similar situation or have any advice? I just feel like we’ve gone from being completely on the same page about money to having very different views on it, although our fundamental goals on paper (living reasonably modestly and saving a lot for kid’s college and retirement) are still the same.

    • Anonymous

      Interesting. Want to hear thoughts on this bc I’m nearly your age with the same NW though in NYC/DC and I’m in your husbands boat? I think back and I was more carefree and willing to splurge when I was a first year associate making 125k in Manhattan with 75k in debt – always saved but never denied myself little things. Now 12 yrs later you’d think it’d be the same and nope – it’s more – when am I gonna hit $1.1, how quick can I get the 401k to 500k, why do I need to spend $15 on bakery cookies when the $3 oreos are fine etc. Sometimes I feel like — will it EVER be enough for me to chill again??

    • tesyaa

      If you ask him about why he feels the need to double down and save more, does he have a rational response? Because cracking down on pasta spending in your situation is not rational.

      • Anonymous

        IDK — my husband buys Advil and I am all WTF is generic not good enough for you???

        • tesyaa

          I added another comment below, which is that I also have the frugal gene, or at least the upbringing. But if Advil makes someone feel better, even emotionally, even if it’s just because the package is prettier, and the $3 difference is not going to make or break the budget, I would let him buy the Advil. I learned to lighten up about these things and it wasn’t always easy.

          • tesyaa

            But, you do you. If it makes you feel better to buy the generic and he doesn’t care, then go for it.

          • Anonymous

            Generic Advil OP here

            I think they are equivalent. I mind being corrected for buying generic. Next time, write it like an RX and tick the box for “no generic substituting allowed”.

            Get your own d*mn advil at the store or make do without grumbling when the generic comes home.

    • Anonymous

      Sounds to me like you could really benefit from setting a budget that you both agree on. Then, when you buy the fancy pasta but stay within your food budget there should be no issue. It just takes a lot of the day-to-day stress out of it when you decide in advance how much you want to spend on particular budget categories.

      If you try this and find that you can’t agree on a reasonable budget, you might need to seek outside help. If this is truly the only area of your marriage that you have issues, a financial advisor could be useful in providing an outside perspective on what is a reasonable budget given your family goals. If there is really more to this issue than just the numbers, a marriage counselor could be helpful. For example, why does your husband think he has a say over every minor purchase you make? You may need help setting some boundaries on what you can decide to buy without the other’s input.

      • Money woes

        I’ve tried to get him to talk about a budget, but he doesn’t want to give me a specific number or says the current number is perfectly fine, he just believes fancy pasta and things like that are wasteful even if we can afford them. Like the person above who mentioned Advil vs generic. His view isn’t “we should be spending less than $X per month” but rather “we should always be buying the cheapest option unless it’s unsafe or unusable in some way.”

        I can see how he sounds super controlling from my OP, but he doesn’t really police every minor purchase I make. I’m not a huge spender on myself, but he doesn’t hassle me about my clothing, haircuts, outings with friends, etc. (and my spending on similar stuff for the kid). It’s not that I’m hiding it from him, he just prefers not to know. I think it’s just household things that cause problems because he has no choice but to see them.

        He didn’t grow up what I would consider poor, but my family is definitely wealthier and I do think his upbringing is probably a factor.

    • Anonymous

      1. sorry you are going through this

      2. IMO, Barilla is the nice pasta. Now I feel like I have been living under a rock.

      • Anonymous

        Ha ha ha…. I thought the same exact thing!

        But I also sympathize with the OP.

        My parents had a similar conflict. Except we were financially worse off than you were. My parents were both extremely frugal and came from relatively poor backgrounds (father was very poor). My father was pinching every penny and would have also criticized the pasta. And my mother was NEVER extravagant, but longed for just a little bit of breathing room. It was one of the major conflicts of their marriage. It left my mother extremely sad and dissatisfied.

        Important things…… my father never changed. It was part of his personality, and deeply ingrained in who he is, and worsened a bit as he got older. His financial obsessiveness also made him unwilling to retire and finally enjoy life a little, when my Mom needed to desperately. Very sad… and had a bad ending.

        Counseling….

    • Anon

      Sounds like your husband needs to see a financial counselor, which is sort of like a therapist for people who have money issues.

    • givemyregards

      No advice but empathy because that sounds infuriating. Is there something else he’s anxious about? Is he worried about not having enough money for retirement? Does he hate his job and secretly wants to retire early/quit to do something less lucrative? Frugality is one thing, but even the blogs I read about extreme frugality don’t advise yelling at your spouse over a box of fancy pasta. If he’s not open to trying to root out the cause of his real anxiety together – or if he insists that it’s just unacceptable/wasteful to buy fancy groceries every once in a while – would he be open to talking to a third party? Hate to jump to therapy immediately, but fighting over noodles isn’t rational, and it might be helpful to get outside help.

    • Anon

      The more money we make, the more anxious I get about whether we have enough in savings, are we spending too much, etc. when you would think it would be the opposite. Part of it is the fear of golden handcuffs – I don’t want us to be tied to a job we hate because we developed an expensive lifestyle we need to support. Part of it is also guilt that we make x dollars so why are we saving so little. Part of it is just irrational fear that something horrific will happen tomorrow and so we’d better save us as much as we can today.

      Do you have a budget and target savings/financial goals (and not like “save every single dollar we can”, but like “save x% or $y this month”)? This would help your husband see that you can increase food or whatever in the budget and still meet your goals.

      • tesyaa

        If you do want to be freed from your job and retire early, then your desire to save more is reasonable. Otherwise, the words “anxiety”, “guilt”, and “fear” are red flags. Saving a few dollars on pasta (or even $40 per week on all grocery items) is not going to help the OP if catastrophe strikes.

        • Anon

          I totally agree. If OP’s husband has the same anxieties I have, maybe writing it all down in a budget will help him see he is being irrational.

          • Anonymous

            Didn’t work with my husband. Seeing the totals freaks him out even more.

        • Ellen

          Tesyaa is right. I agree. There are thing’s we all start to do that we just continue to do even after we have some saveings in the bank. I like Barilla pasta, but sometimes think that you CAN get generic stuff, if you compare all the ingredeients. For example, the CVS brand aspirin is the same as Bayer aspirin, but costs alot less. The same with Advil. BUT, not everything is identical. There is alot of difference between Cheerios and Joe’s O’s from Trader Joes, but it is not better or worse, just different! Yogurt also can be OK if store brand, but it’s a hit and miss thing. I do NOT like yogurt with fillers in it, and that does NOT matter if it is name brand or not. No fillers! FOOEY! Sheketovits always wanted brand names (since I was paying for it), but I did NOT always get them. He ate them anyway, and he is still out there. DOUBEL FOOEY!

      • Anon

        I can see that as a reason why someone would be reluctant to buy a bigger house or fancier car, but the type of spending OP is talking about can be discontinued at any time. If their financial situation changes, then they change their spending. “Golden handcuffs” refers more to taking on a financial obligation – like a huge mortgage – that you can’t easily get out of.

    • Never too many shoes...

      I am impressed by the moderation shown by my fellow posters. Being cheap about food spending is a thing that I will not tolerate and did not even when we were making far less. I would quite simply put my foot down and tell him that I, and our child, were worth the good food and that he does not have to eat it if he finds it indulgent. And then I would go out and buy champagne and $15 bread because I would be just that mad.

      • Anonymous

        It’s food. Are you one of those live to eat people who also says things like “big is beautiful”?!

        • Anonymous

          Yeah, don’t you just hate it when people find joy in different things?

        • Anonymous

          You are the worst, Anonymous at 5 pm. Sorry you are such a b—-, but try not to take out your anger on other people.

      • Anon

        I would guess that although OP used pasta as an example, there are plenty of non-food examples she could point to instead, so this really isn’t about good food.

      • Anonymous

        Good food is generic pasta (and even Barilla, which I think of as Fancy Pasta; I do love their commercials).

        Sometimes spending $ is just spending $; I don’t get more for money so often that I have just become a skeptic when there is something like a generic available (my kid takes name brand Synthroid though, b/c you only get one brain).

    • Anonymous

      Are you me? I have no advice to offer because I have the same problem. My husband feels like we are poor (even though we are objectively doing great) because his parents and all his college friends are ridiculously wealthy. He also believes that we need to have our mortgage paid off and all the money we will ever need for retirement and college saved up right now, even though college is six years away and retirement is 25 years away. To make things even worse, he wants to take our emergency fund and invest it in the stock market, which would make it no longer an emergency fund.

      • Anonymous

        Hi, I’m also married to this man. It’s hard. Sometimes it’s excruciating. It’s not something that can be “therapy’d” away – we’ve tried. He’s tried. I’ve tried. It’s still there.

        What’s been working is to set up a separate checking account with an agreed-upon budget for certain discretionary categories of spending for myself. We agreed on the monthly amounts and categories, but otherwise, I’m free to spend as I please within those parameters and am spared the weekly interrogation about a $10 bakery trip, etc. That’s a huge relief to me, and also to him, because his anxious brain is freed up from worrying about certain categories of spending.

        It’s not a magic bullet. Overall his mindset/approach to money has not changed (doubt it ever will), but the day-to-day nitpicking about what I spend has substantially diminished, so that’s something.

    • Anonymous

      Set up a system wherein you both get a certain amount of money every month to spend on whatever the eff you want – or to save, as you may want.

      You said above that he’s refusing to give you a dollar amount. That’s wrong and passive-aggressive: it functionally shuts down the conversation and ensures that he wins, and it makes you crazy trying to figure out different ways to resolve this issue.

      Very, very few people are good at spending the absolute minimum amount of money needed (whether or not they have it – see credit card debt in America). There is a certain amount of emotional spending that almost everyone does. The key is to just put a dollar amount on it that is within budget.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      I replied below. Oops.

      Tl; dr: Did he grow up in a family where there was never extra money?

  14. Sloan Sabbith

    What was his family’s financial situation growing up? I know that for my dad, even though he can afford new clothes, he always goes to value village. He loves going to the grocery store with damaged/just expired/etc items because everything is so cheap, even though my parents can absolutely afford full price. He grew up poor, but it was cyclical- sometimes it was okay, sometimes it was really bad. He’s not used to having extra and it seems like his natural mode is to save so that if things go bad, he’ll have the money he saved as leftover.

    • tesyaa

      My parents are the same way, having grown up in the depression/wartime. They transferred some of their innate frugality to me too. I’ve lightened up over the years. But all along, I recognized that feeling poor was (for me) not a rational response.

    • Jen

      My dad lives alone and makes $300k+ a year at 58. He shops at the dollar store, because it’s the closest thing to his house (which is a 2 family he bought as passive income).

      He owns a large boat and basically sets money on fire in that regard, so I aooose it’s all a balance. He grew up middle/upper class (dad had middle mgmt white collar job, mom was a 50s housewife, they lived in a cookie cutter house in a small new development in a decent town). His grandparents were all coal miners.

      • Anonymous

        Hey I love the dollar store. I have plenty of money but totally shop there. It’s convenient and has lots of the things I need.

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