ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Dolman-Sleeve Top

A woman wearing a navy dolman-sleeve top and white pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I’ve owned a few different versions of this Halogen shirt over the years, and I’m always pleasantly surprised at how well it holds up to the abuse of consistent washing and drying. I currently own it in white and black, but I’m thinking the classic navy blue color might be a good addition for summer.

I would wear it with a pair of navy pants and a white blazer for a crisp, business casual look or with a printed midi skirt for a more relaxed vibe.

The top is on sale for $29.40 (marked down from $49) at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XXS-XXL. It comes in seven other colors, although some are lucky sizes only.

Sales of note for 12.5

330 Comments

  1. I’m going to NYC this weekend and just found out I have more free time (on my own) than anticipated. Normally I would walk all over, but it’s going to be hot! If you had five hours in Manhattan, what would you do and where would you eat? I love history, art, and architecture. Already have tickets for a Broadway show on another day. Thanks in advance!

      1. If you have more time than usual, Cloisters. Not sure the Frick has reopened. Cloisters is like going to Europe for a few hours.

        1. The Cloisters is mostly unairconditioned though. I learned this the hard way.

        2. I love the Cloisters, but it is basically all outdoors. It is going to be 95 this weekend. I would pick something indoors personally, but YMMV.

      3. Go to the Met a few hours before sunset, wander around and then get a drink on their rooftop when it’s not super hot.

    2. I would get a ticket to the Whitney Biennial and then go to Chelsea Market to grab some food.

      Normally I would be all over the Cloisters, but it’s a bit of a hike from the subway and so much of what’s lovely there is outside, and I don’t know that it’s best in a heat wave.

      1. It’s across the park and is heavily shaded, so a mile or less / 15 minutes? Did not strike me as far by NYC walking standards.

        2. I promise you, as a current NYer, it is UNBEARABLE outside for more than 5 minutes.

    3. I never pass up a chance to visit either the Met or MoMa when I’m the city, but planning to expand my horizons to visit the Pace Gallery later this summer.

      1. PSA that most commercial gallery spaces are closed on Sundays and Mondays, and may also have shorter hours in general in the summer – check before you go. They also tend to do group shows of more emerging artists in the summer.

    5. whitney biennial! or go shopping on 5th ave or in one of the crazy department stores, it’s fun to look at jewelry that costs as much as college.

    6. Window shopping in SoHo/Chelsea! I stayed in SoHo when I was there a couple weeks ago and wish I’d taken more time to just window shop and browse. Broome and other nearby streets have so many gorgeous boutiques that are almost like little art galleries in terms of how they’re set up. TRR is in that area too and that branch is very much worth a visit IMHO.

    7. I’m local so maybe this won’t sound fun to a visitor, but I’d pick a neighborhood that intrigues you and spend your time there – walk around, shop, maybe book a service (pedicure, massage, yoga class, blowout), make a restaurant reservation, etc. I think you’d get a much better taste of NYC than going to a museum (but museums certainly are great too)!

      1. Me too, I like museums for an hour. I like neighborhoods for an afternoon or whole day. I’d pepper in a few stops for a cold drink or snack in pretty places, which NYC has tons of.

      2. I agree with this. That said, if you want a museum, I would start with breakfast or light lunch at Laduree on Madison (get the croissant with lox and a cappuccino) and walk up to the Neue Gallery and see all the gorgeous paintings. Have coffee and a pastry ashen you’re done at Cafe Sabarasky (their cafe)

        Or start there, do the cafe first, look at some gorgeous Klimpts, and then head over to west side for another meal if you have room… I love Covacha by the museum of natural history, it’s an easy cross town bus ride across the park, light and declines and totally different from typical Mexican restaurants.
        I always like to try as much food as I can when I’m in a place with good food, so my recommendation is to just graze lightly in as many places as possible.

        Also – maybe it’s because I live here, but I think the high line/Chelsea area is super overrated and not fun. It’s always very crowded with tourists and that ruins the whole point of an outdoor park for me. There are times to go – very early in the morning or late at night or on days when the city isn’t in high season, but this weekend will not be that time. I wouldn’t waste my time.

        1. Agree with AIMS. Pick a destination, like a museum or a single exhibit within a museum, and then add on neighborhood stops. And avoid the High Line unless you will be there very early in the morning. It gets packed with tourists on summer weekends, and it just feels like you’re in long, slow-moving line. And there is very little shade, so it’s hot. Do not recommend.

    8. Thanks, everyone! I do think an indoor museum sounds nice for this trip, considering the weather forecast. It’s been years since I went to the Met, so that might be just the thing. Bookmarking the Cloisters for a future visit.

  2. Does anyone have a memorable Barcelona restaurant/attraction they’d like to share?

    3. DH described walking into Sagrada Familia as “breathtaking.” And it was. I’d read the best times to go are first thing in the morning or mid to late afternoon because the light is better inside when the sun isn’t overhead. We did the audio tour and liked that. We aren’t religious if it matters.

    4. Cal Pep for tapas, then head around the corner to Dr. Stravinsky or Paradiso for cocktails. Not fancy at all, but Chao Pescao is also fun — they have a huge raw fish counter where you pick what you want by weight and then they take it in the back and fry or grill it to order.

    5. In an absolutely useless contribution, I went to one of the beaches in Barcelona and there was tons of sea glass. Very happy memory for this magpie over here.

    6. Restaurant called Siete Puertas (Seven Doors) (something else in Catalan) — marvelous paella in a historic setting by the port.

  3. Do any Vegas hotels allow day passes to their fitness classes? I’m staying off strip in an Airbnb but in town all next week for a seminar and would love to join a unique class or two.

    1. Try Resort Pass. It would give you pool access and some of the pools there are gorgeous.

    2. the WSJ just had a story about how if you book a spa treatment you often get access to their pools. not the same thing but fyi!

  4. I need help dealing with a difficult coworker (we’re peers, but on different teams). We have to work together regularly. He is not good at his job, and when I point out things that need to be corrected before I can start my portion of the work, he takes it personally. He has started to complain about me loudly and publicly. From what I can see, he’s not being told to start doing the work correctly, instead I’m being told to be more gentle with him. I’m already looking for a new job, but could use suggestions for handling this situation until I can get out of it.

    1. This sucks, and I’m guessing it’s your boss who told you to “be more gentle”

      I had to work with a guy like this, and similarly, he told my boss my (neutral, fact based) comms “made him feel like I thought he was bad at his job”. I switched as much communication at possible to text based – instant chat fit our office culture better than email but YMMV, and to be honest, I just started putting an exclamation mark somewhere in every message. (“Good morning! Can you let me know when the quote comes back from the vendor?”). That way there is a paper trail that no reasonable person can read an “abrasive” tone into, and adding random exclamation marks didn’t take much mental effort from me.

      When my boss came to me with the guy’s complaints, I aimed for “thoughtful, curious and somewhat baffled”, something like “Chad says I yelled at him about the vendor quotes? Hmm (thoughtful pause). I’m thinking back on our discussion about that and to be honest I’m coming up empty on where that might be coming from. I’m concerned to hear that and I want to figure out what gave that impression though – I definitely don’t want anyone to feel bad when they work with me. Tone can be easy to get wrong in text (*quickly pull up the text record*) – this was what I asked about the quote, do you have any suggestions about how I can ask differently next time?”. My boss was always kind of surprised to see the actual exchange, and after the first 2-3 times I did this, stopped bringing me Chad’s complaints.

      It sucks that you have to deal with this, and is very very likely gendered – blurgh. If it helps to know, my Chad slowly burned out his reputation and finally quit in a hissy fit when someone much senior to him made him feel not respected enough

      1. Yeah, and keeping it all in written form allows you to document, document, document. “Hi Chad! It looks like a reference is missing on page 3. I’m also not seeing the discussion of the results from the latest survey in chapter 4. Can you let me know when you’ve had a chance to add those to the report?” And then when he complains about your tone (major eye roll, because let’s be honest, this is policing a woman’s tone) you can show it to your manager and ask how he/she would have worded it differently to be more gentle.

      2. Thank you both for confirming what I thought, which is there is probably a gender component. I have been doing all of this, but am being told he is extra sensitive so I think I need to add even more “feels” in my communications. I will try the exclamation trick, but it makes me sad to have to even deal with this.

        1. My inside voice: if Chad is that sensitive, maybe he shouldn’t be in such a demanding job. Maybe leaning out is the right move, or exiting the workforce entirely so he can focus his energies on taking care of the home.

          O:-)

        2. Yeah, I think in writing is absolutely the way to go. Keep those receipts.

          As a note, as someone who has managed poor performing individuals, my coaching is generally invisible to my team. I am not allowed to say if someone is on a PIP or if they are receiving additional feedback from me. I can think of twice when I brought forward my direct feedback about how they had made mistakes on X tasks and that resulted in Y impact of business including that Jane Smith in accounting was not able to start her work… and they immediately countered with ‘WELL, Jane Smith is a bully and I immediately have a panic attack because she’s out to get me.’ Do I believe this? No. Jane Smith is smart and does a good job. Am I required to do something about it as part of me ‘coaching and supporting the employee in improving his performance? Yup.

          As a manager, I couldn’t directly tell Jane Smith all of this. What I could do was reach out to Jane and let her know that we needed to make sure that everything was going through email and she was cc’ing me and also that she did a great job. Just adding my experience because it’s happened a few times in my career.

          1. This happens way more often than you’d think. TLRD put it in writing with a neutral to friendly tone.

      4. The only thing I’d add to this is a cc- escalation plan:

        1st email is directly to him.
        2nd reminder, respond + cc your boss,
        3rd reminder, respond + cc your boss + his boss.

    3. It’s good you are looking for a new job.

      This is most likely gender discrimination and there is no point fighting this because it will be an ongoing issue throughout the company. I say this because no one has stepped in to correct this guy or the manager giving you ridiculous advice to be gentle. They wouldn’t tell a man to be gentle….

      Once you have a job offer you accept, go ahead and stop making any corrections. If they dare to push back you can say you have provided feedback and spoken to your manager. Leave it at that and move on.

  5. I have a colleague who gets anxious and then has a hard time making decisions. It’s like he starts finding problems with everything and can’t agree to a course of action. Any suggestions on how to handle this? I need his approval before I can move some of my projects through a step in the process and for internal politics reasons don’t think I can say “okay I’m doing X thanks for your input”

    1. “there’s no zero-risk course of action here – can you help me evaluate the magnitude of those you’re seeing so that leadership can make an educated decision on path forward?”

    2. Have you tried going for negative consent? Tell him what path you want and that you will move forward unless there is an objection. It still gives him the decision-making authority, but it’s an easier path. He would have to raise actual objections instead of bringing up possible faults.

    3. “Chad, Following up about Projects A and B. I want to make sure we are on the right path and appreciate your ability to identify risks. With Project A, my understanding is Client’s primary goal is to use the disputed logo. I believe the two primary options are 1 filing a lawsuit or 2 negotiating a settlement. I plan to recommend attempting #2 using the attached letter to opposing counsel. If you would like to discuss concerns, I’d like to meet with you – please let me know and we can find a time this week, as I understand BizPartner needs to update the client next week. For Project B, after weighing risks, my recommendation is X. This is because the risk of abc seems lower-cost than the risk of jkl if we went with Y. If you disagree with this, please let me know. I expect to meet with Marketing about Project B on Monday, and would be happy to include you if you have additional concerns.”

    4. I’m in kind of a DGAF place right now and have flat out said to my boss that my “Chad” is freaking out like this because Chad isn’t doing a great job and it’s avoiding focussing on the task at hand.
      It resulted in more hands-on management of Chad and some actual improvement, but I realise I’m lucky that I can be that blunt with no CYA.

  6. We have really hard floors so I need something to wear on my feet when it’s hot. I have Uggs for when it’s cold. Any suggestions?

      1. I’ve found that my Oofos clogs don’t breathe well enough to wear all day at home (and get stinky, so not good for hot weather), although the support is great. Is there a secret to this — what style are you wearing?

        1. Wear the Oofos in the shoe style and wear with socks. You can also wash the Oofos if they stink (though I have not found smell to be a problem when worn with socks).

    2. Birkenstock EVAs are my warm weather house shoes. They’re very comfortable and don’t make my feet hot. I will note that I’ve tried some knock offs from various places and have found they don’t last nearly as long as the real thing with daily wear, although my daughter is perfectly happy with the Target version.

      1. Birkenstocks, The EVA kind, are my suitcase slippers. They just live there. They weigh nothing. They smashe down to nothing and they’re perfect for wearing in a hotel room, or even out and about although I don’t think they’re that cute. They’re also excellent pool shoes.

    6. I got mesh slippers for summer from Mahabis. Expensive but they are perfect for hot weather and have held up really well.

    7. I like House Birks or House Rainbow Flipflops – the level of “cush” in the latter makes them still a fave for long summer walks, even though they feel a little bit 2005 :)

      1. Thumbs up to this comment.

        I will just share again the tip I got from you Birkenstock rep at a trunk show, about how to break in your Birkenstocks. The mnemonic is 2-4-6-8. Wear them two hours the first day, four hours the second day, six hours the third day, eight hours the fourth day, and from then on you, can wear them all day every day. The cork foot mbed adjusts to your foot and can feel a little stiff until you go through breaking in. But after that, it’s like a custom orthotic and feels so comfortable.

  7. Any recommendations for restaurants in Milan, Turin, Bologna, Parma or Modena? I’ve gathered a few suggestions from online, and I know what to watch out for to avoid tourist trap restaurants, but I’d love some personal recommendations!

  8. Any suggestions for where to find modest attire for lifeguards? My daughter only sees other guards in cheeky cut bikini bottoms and this is turning her off as she is very uncomfortable in her post-puberty body. We are vanilla Christians (so not from a modest-mandated background and I’ve seen swim hijabs, so maybe modest official lifeguard gear exists already) and she likes swim shorts and sun shirts as her normal swim wear, which was OK for training. I hate that fashion is her objection to this. I keep telling her that there is a great need for lifeguards and some kids can’t swim because there aren’t enough guards to open pools. It’s not just s*xy lifeguards, but the need is so great where we live that a lot of retirees are doing it. I’m glad she is certified for this and I hate that this is derailing it.

      1. +1 – many of the life guards I see in our beach town wear running/board shorts and sun shirts (often with hoods) to avoid burning.

        1. +2 – this is the way. Live on the coast and this is totally common (both on the beach and at the gym’s pool). You can buy board shorts in different inseams depending on her height and preference.

    2. There is so much life guard gear. Is this really a blocker for her or is this just an excuse she is giving you? When I was a lifeguard plenty of women wore white “Lifeguard” tshirts and red shorts over their suits. A ten second google search found all these many rashguards: https://thelifeguardstore.com/lifeguard-swimwear/guard-rashguards.html and many one piece swimsuits https://thelifeguardstore.com/lifeguard-swimwear/one-piece-swimwear.html
      Has she actually looked for a suit?

    3. No advice but this exact problem is why I didn’t become a lifeguard when it was one of the only jobs available in my small town. It sucked and I wished family had helped me find a way to be more comfortable in my changing body instead of just making me feel like an idiot for caring (or commenting on how I should lose weight anyway). You’re a good mom for helping her with this.

      1. I think of how hard it is to speak up as adults. As a hirsute teen, I wouldn’t have thought to ask. And I had no parent to talk stuff like negotiating with employers out with. As an adult, it’s now routine to have a win-win plan and ask to discuss things but I have to learn how to navigate not saying yes to every single thing all the time and to do it in a way that isn’t seen as saying no.

    4. I was just at the beach and every female lifeguard I saw was young and in a cheeky cut bikini (and looked to already be getting significant sun exposure). No wonder there is a shortage if only one body type seems to be doing it. I’d imagine at an indoor poor the vibe may be different (and the need no less). I have never seen a female lifeguard in shorts so IDK if they make “lifeguard” shorts for women / in women’s sizes, outside of a summer camp where they wear them over a one-piece that says lifeguard. I get the need for uniformity but also that they need more / better choices as long as you can ID the person as a lifeguard and it’s functional.

    5. I bought a suit from Nani this year and I’m loving it. They have many full-coverage styles, including rashguards and shorts, and they come in lots of cute colors and patterns.

    6. I think she’d be allowed to wear shorts and a sun shirt as a lifeguard, wouldn’t she? I don’t think lifeguards here are sitting around in skimpy bathing suits. They usually wear a a lifeguard tank top/tshirt over a boring old Speedo style suit with shorts.

    7. Do they not have a uniform swimsuit? We did when I was a lifeguard.

      It was the basic Speedo black one piece suit when I was a pool life guard (with the pool’s township’s name on it).

      As a beach lifeguard (Jersey Shore) it was a bikini but very much a sport bikini. And we usually wore our uniform board shorts on the stand.

    8. Look up Speedo Guard. There are shorts, fairly modest tankinis, and swim Ts with the lifeguard type markings.

    9. I just randomly searched for swim shorts and it seems like title nine and athletea have them as well as the river company. Those with a rash guard seem perfectly modest. Im wondering if I’m missing something or why you and your daughter couldn’t just search for that? Or is this post just an opportunity to rail against other young women’s swimsuit choices? We have more options than ever on swimsuits and it kind of breaks my brain that seeing other women in bathing suits is keeping your daughter from lifeguarding as if that’s not true.

      1. Of course these things exist, we all know that, the question is whether lifeguards are allowed to wear them or if a pool/beach makes their uniforms in those styles. I’m not sure we can answer that for OP, though, as clearly different places have different standards. Given the health issues associated with sun exposure, I can’t imagine that any employer could actually push back if an employee wanted to be more covered up, but the daughter might feel weird if she had to make a big deal about it.

      2. lands’ end has swim shorts too, loose ones and like athletic ones
        even the period companies make boyshorts for swimming – i think i got some from knix but there’s also something like ruby.

    10. I was a pool lifeguard, and we had to wear a one piece Speedo uniform. We could also wear shorts and tshirt over it. I can’t imagine any workplace would require a bikini.

    12. The many teen lifeguards at our local ymca are wearing red one-piece Guard swimsuits, and many wear board shorts, too. What does her pool actually require?

      1. Also, if there are retirees lifeguarding in your community, I highly doubt they are wearing cheeky bikinis. So it sounds like that probably isn’t the requirement, it’s just the norm.

        1. And remembering being a teenage girl, going outside the norm can be just as hard as navigating actual rules. I think when I was that age I would have been more comfortable saying something like “oh, I burn wildly easily/my parents are nuts about sun safety/rolls eyes” than “I’m just more comfortable with more coverage”.

          Also the sportier 1 piece cuts ime are less likely to have padding, and figuring out padding was an option was a huge comfort-increaser for me, so maybe make sure she gets to try on one of those?

          1. Oh, it totally can. And I would be more than OK with my daughter blaming me for wearing more clothing.

          2. Offering to take the blame is such good parenting. Teen-me didn’t want to admit it but I so appreciated when my parents’ reminded me I had blank check to blame them for anything I didn’t feel comfortable with.

    13. Definitely second the suggestions to wear shorts over the suit. I see all our local teenage lifeguards doing this. Also – check Swim Outlet. There’s a whole lifeguard section if she needs the traditional red suit and you can filter on coverage. Even if she doesn’t need the traditional red suit, you can filter on bottom coverage on a basic black one piece, or whatever.

      You’re a good mom for researching this! Learning to swim and lifeguards are so so important and I think it’s great that your daughter is certified.

    14. The lifeguards and swim coaches at my pool seem to favor Jolyn suits. They look good on a variety of body types. And echoing the suggestion on board shorts.

    15. Former lifeguard here: usually pools have uniform suits and usually T shirt (that say lifeguard) + red board shorts over s suit was acceptable everywhere I ever worked. Lifeguards are typically out in the sun for hours, so sun protection is a good thing.

      And seriously talk to your daughter about her body image. All bodies are good bodies and all sizes are good sizes.

      1. As an adult, I’m aware that all bodies are good bodies. That wouldn’t make me feel any better, especially as a teen, about being in swim attire every day for work, especially if it were very revealing or I was OTR or just if people from school were there.

        You can be told something and yet it doesn’t help how you feel.

    16. Are you really trying to guilt her into doing something she doesn’t want to do? Her reason doesn’t matter. Are you telling her that the reason she gives is not good enough? Learning to say no to situations that make her feel uncomfortable will come in handy when she goes off to college.

  9. Any tips for remedying hair breakage? My hair is long and always seemed healthy enough but I’ve noticed a lot of little short/broken hairs around my whole head lately. I don’t know what’s behind it because most of the usual causes don’t apply (I don’t use any hot tools, no dye or chemical treatments, and I don’t wear super tight styles). I already take a multivitamin that includes 100% DV biotin but I’m thinking about adding a hair, skin, and nails vitamin.

    1. Olaplex and collagen have helped me tremendously. For me it wasn’t “tight” hairstyles, it was having my hair up 24/7. My hair needs a break. I sleep with it down now, and try to wear it down a couple of times a week. It’s harder when it’s hot.

    2. I have had good experience with 2 different types of treatments and I would recommend to try different ‘active’ ingredients rather than multiple brands. E.g. try a protein-based treatment and if that doesn’t improve your hair condition, try different type of treatment rather then trying protein-based treatments from multiple brands.
      For context, my hair is dyed every few months, washed and blow-dried every second day, it’s wavy and has a tendency to be on the drier side and frizz if not pampered properly.
      I had good experience with Kerastase Maskeratin hair mask. I would apply it after shampooing, let it sit for 5-10mins while I brushed my teeth and flossed.
      After some time, when I have moved and am dealing now with different climate and water quality, it no longer works for me and I switched to Redken Acid Bonding Conditioner (the original, white pack range). I use the conditioner and leave-in treatment. I leave the conditioner on for 2-5mins (depends how much time I have) and apply a tiny bit of the leave-in treatment before blowdrying my hair. This combo worked for my hair so well that even my hairdresser commented positively.
      For the record, I use a basic, SLS-free shampoo, as I don’t have any scalp issues. The shampoo is gentle and cheap (Wella Professionals Elements).
      Olaplex didn’t work on my hair – the hair still felt dry, without elasticity. But it works wonders on my sister’s hair. Which is why I would pick an ingredient, give it a go and if not successful, move to another ingredient.

    3. When you wear it up, what are you using? I’ve found some elastics are hard on my hair even if the ponytail isn’t tight.

    4. how old are you? older/graying hairs tend to stick up and seem like short/broken ones because they’re coarser and more dry than the older hair you grew when you were younger. if you’re plucking out gray hairs that will also cause this issue.

      i also had to stop wearing my hair up, especially after kids — my hairline had moved back like an inch in one spot.

    5. Any chance you had some kind of hormonal change? Oddly I always had all those short hairs, then had zero while on the pill for 8 years, then sadly they came back when I went off the pill :(.

  10. I need to vent. I’m having a hard time in my marriage. I have two great kids and a mostly great life. My husband is a fantastic father and makes a great living. I don’t think he cheats on me and he’d never divorce me because it would mean spending less time with his kids. He’s a great partner around the house and he loves my parents. But this man doesn’t love me. Most days he doesn’t even like me. Not going to blow up my whole life about it but it just feels really sad and lonely sometimes.

    1. What is missing in your post: do you love your husband? Like him? How does he treat you day to day? How do you treat him?

      1. He treats me well. He’s mostly very kind. It’s just that I’ve kind of thought the romance was gone because we’re busy and have young kids. I’m slowly realizing that the reason he never wants one on one time with me and the reason our bedroom is dead and the reason he is extremely anti babysitters and date nights is because…he’d rather not be around me alone or romantically. He’s not too busy. The kids are not too much. They’re not going to be harmed by a sitter that isn’t his mom…it’s not really the cliche because all the solutions are easy. It’s that he doesn’t want to. He’ll do it for my birthday and our anniversary but that’s pretty much it.

        1. It jumps out at me that you did not answer the questions about your feelings and your actions.

        2. I’m the one who posted the other day on the Secrets thread about wondering if her husband is gay.

          This all sounds very familiar. It just tore me apart, turning what could have been undying love into complete apathy. I just am not wired to, over the long haul, romantically love someone who does not romantically love me.

          Probably a different situation with you (maybe not), but it’s worth addressing directly. Therapists are tough because most are going to go to the cliches: date night! communication! The issue is that when your spouse drags his feet on all the easy and obvious solutions, something else is obviously going on.

          1. My husband came out as gay about a decade into our marriage. We eventually divorced, and everything about my life is about a million times better now. Having a partner who loves me romantically is really really good. My ex and I co-parent very well and remain friends. If you post a burner, I’m happy to chat more.

          2. I’ve often wondered if my husband is gay. I’ve asked directly. We’ve been separated for a few years now. He may just not be interested in sexual intimacy, period. There’s a lot of marital pain in this thread. Hugs.

        3. I’m so sorry. This seems very lonely. But I’m also wondering: are you maybe taking something about your husband’s narrative and making it about you, when it’s actually not? Or is there more going on here? Something doesn’t feel right with the descriptions that he is both very kind, a great partner around the house, AND that he is “extremely anti-babysitters and date nights.” For a kind, lovely, fantastic-father man to have “extremely anti-babysitter” views makes me wonder if is has other strongly expressed opinions as well?

          Add to that the fact that you “don’t think” he is cheating on you. You don’t sound very sure. Are there red flags, or things that just don’t sit well, that your intuition is telling you about?

    2. Forgive the questions…was it always like this? have you spoken to him about it?
      I know it is said on here a ton…..therapy for you asap. Life is too short to feel like this, truly.
      Should you elect to separate, it will be bumpy, but fine in the long run. Said one whom had a
      different, yet painful dynamic~ it is better to be a single mom than to be deeply lonely in a marriage.

      1. As a single mom..,this is not true. Single motherhood is really really hard. Physically, financially, emotionally…I’d rather be in a loveless marriage than my own situation. At least until the kids are off to college.

    3. I could have written this two years ago. I did the work – read books about marriage, got my own therapist, started working out, figured out my needs, did things I enjoyed, saw friends and family more. I got him to marriage counseling and started asking for what I needed. Unfortunately, his contempt for me did not improve. He did not make any of the changes I asked for, and acted like my concerns were ridiculous. I know that I did everything I could, but I cannot change him or the way he feels. I only control myself.

      Earlier this month, I told him we are getting divorced and moved into the guest bedroom. I feel whole and happy. I am looking forward to my future. I feel sorrow for my kids because I didn’t want them growing up saying “dad’s house” and “mom’s house,” but I don’t want them to copy this kind of relationship when they are adults.

      Do the work and good luck to you! Your husband may respond differently than mine.

      1. Such a good point about the kids. You and your husband are modeling for them what relationships should look like. You’re making the right decision right now.

      2. This, OP. I was very similar to you and got divorced 6, 7 years ago. I am now happily married to a man who ADORES me, and this is not only amazing for me, but also for my kid. She gets to see a model of a happy, loving, marriage. My ex moved on too and as far as I can tell he is a lot happier as well.

    4. i’m in a very similar situation but i think my husband loves me like family and we have a great time on date nights and weekends away even if nothing physical ever happens. do you think your husband loves you like that? do you think he resents you or something about your family’s situation?

    5. My first husband didn’t like me either, it went from indifference to pretty obvious hatred. It wasn’t just that he fell out of love with me, it was that everything I did or said annoyed him or frustrated him. It also turned into everything he was disappointed about in his life was my fault, like even at his job. Like how was that my fault? I wasn’t at his job.

      In the end, I was the one who pulled the plug. It’s awful to live with somebody who doesn’t like you and you have all of my sympathy and support.

      1. Tangent and not meant to start a firestorm: this is exactly why no-fault divorce exists.

    6. This makes me so sad for you and that’s no way to live. You deserve so much more than that.

    7. No advice but commiseration. I used to love getting dressed up and going out to a fancy dinner, trying the latest new restaurant, the tasting menu with wine pairing. But we don’t talk. I can make conversation with anyone, I’m always making friends on planes and in airport bars. I can’t make conversation with my own husband. He won’t participate. And then I get dejected sitting there in silence wondering if other couples are noticing that we’re not talking. It’s so uncomfortable. So I don’t go out to dinner with him anymore. We get takeout and eat in front of the TV where at least I don’t feel like everyone is watching my marriage implode. If I’m going to be lonely I’d rather be at home and comfortable. I go out to dinner with friends of course but they generally don’t want to blow $200+ on a tasting menu, they save that for special occasions with their spouse.

      He asked the other day why we don’t go out to dinner anymore. I said because he doesn’t talk to me and it’s uncomfortable to sit in silence for hours. He just said oh.

      1. Oh I want to reach through the internet and hug you. You and OP deserve a partner who loves you.

      2. If he asked about going out to dinner, maybe he realizes there’s some problem and is being awkward about it. It’s not fair that you shoulder the work, but I’d do a lot to strengthen my marriage. If it were me, I’d catch him on a weekend after kids are in ed (if you have them), and say hey I’m feeling distant in our relationship. I love you and I want to figure out how we can change this. Marriage is long and goes through slumps like anything else. It would be nice if he stepped up first to fix things, but lots of people are awkward and stuck and don’t get out of their own way.

      3. Dude, DMTFA! It’s way lonelier to be lonely with somebody else than it is to be on your own.

        1. i’m the one with a partner who loves me like family at 10:46 — even if couldn’t do this. to me this is a big part of how i like to experience the world and i wouldn’t want to go on a trip with someone who wouldn’t talk to me let alone be married to him. why are you staying?

      4. Does he talk to other people? My husband is not super talkative but I feel like I am plugged in when I am with him. Silence is just fine between us.

    8. In my experience, it’s extremely lonely to be in a loveless marriage or relationship. Your kids will pick on the fact that you are unhappy. It’s hard to make the decision to blow up your life but for a lot of people the short term disruption is worth the chance of a better and more fulfilling life—whether that is with another partner or on your own. Just scroll down and see the post about someone who is in a better place after divorce. It’s possible.

      1. Maybe it won’t even be a blow up. If he’s a good father, decent dude otherwise, maybe this is a situation that doesn’t rise to the level of blow up, but really just a change. Change isn’t always smooth of course, but maybe reframing makes it less scary.

    9. You have young kids for like 20-25 years of your life. You have decades of life after they move out. Don’t sell yourself short. You will just be bitter in your 60s.

    10. Narcissist in the devaluation stage? That’s what mine was when he acted like this.

  11. Help style me please! I need a dress for my boss’s birthday party in the evening in the backyard of a restaurant in the Hamptons. I’m on a very non-Hamptons budget of $300 or under. I am size 8-10 with a tummy and feel overall self conscious of my body as I am about 10 pounds heavier than I am comfortable being. I prefer longer and no mini dresses. What would you wear?

    1. Linen / linen blend all the way in your moist flattering color ~ maxi shift or strapped maxi tank dress. check H&M or Old Navy. Big silver hoops, a red lip and your best smile.

      1. agreed! Old Navy has some cute linen midis right now. I would also check Pact (they have a linen maxi; I especially like the red or the green stripe) or gap factory (also has a linen midi/maxi that looks great.

    3. Tuckernuck should have some good options in your budget for you from especially their house brand, and very Hamptons appropriate styles.

    5. You should look at FarmRio. Nice fabrics, amazing prints and right under that price point.

    6. Tuckernuck or Hill House. Potentially white jeans with a top depending on which restaurant/your boss’ vibe. My in-laws have a (small) house in the Hamptons so I’ve been there many times, but I don’t have a stereotypical Hamptons budget. I’m a similar size to you. Do you want to share which restaurant? Or which Hampton? And is this like a party that starts in the early evening or more of a late night scene? Also- I’m assuming you live in the city- are you really required to schlep out to the Hamptons for this?

    7. I would look at some boutiques for a casual dress in your price range that’s a little different.

      M. Patmos has dresses both over and under the $300 mark. I like this one, which you can dress up with cute sandals and an interesting necklace: https://mpatmos.com/collections/dresses/products/m-patmos-gigi-v-neck-dress-indigo?variant=44104499953880

      Lisa Says Gah can skew a little young, but this dress would be great: https://lisasaysgah.com/products/grace-dress-tapas-ivory?variant=42262117810356&=undefined

      Osei-Duro has gorgeous fabrics and cool, casual styles. This is my current fave: https://oseiduro.com/collections/dresses/products/letsa-dress-in-middle-path

      If none of these are right for you, I love Garmentory for finding brands like these.

    8. there are some nice Priya dresses just added to the sale at MM Lafleur that could work well for this. I like the abstract leopard print but there are also solids.

  12. Help! I need a birthday gift for a friend who has a very different lifestyle from me. Shes also a great gift giver, so I feel some pressure. She’s the primary breadwinner, a lawyer, has two kids, three dogs and loves the finer things in life. Her hair, makeup and outfits are always on point. Any suggestions? We’re not local, otherwise I’d get her a massage or spa day but I don’t know where she goes. Any suggestions? Fancy tequila? A new Stanley? I’m at a loss.

    1. Ysl makes a lip butter balm that you can have engraved with her initials. Vintage champagne is fun but I k ow nothing about tequila.

      1. If you’re close to a Total Wine, I’ve found that their salespeople are generally well-informed and can help you find something unique/special.

    2. Uncommon Goods has some gorgeous and like the name suggests, unusual and very bougie “nobody needs this but it’s really cute/pretty” gifts. I get a lot of gifts for hard to shop for people there!

    3. Could you do something sentimental, like a vintage t-shirt from a concert you went to together, or something related to an inside joke or special moment? E.g., something that is unique to your relationship where it really is the thought that counts.

    4. She sounds like me minus the kids. What’s your budget? Things I love getting – fancy candles by Diptyque or Flamimgo Farms (they have fancy olive oils too and package things up really well), anything from Dorsey jewelry (they have some great stuff in the $200-300 range), cashmere wrap from White and Warren, cutting board from Boos Block.

      1. PS – at a lower price point, the two things I regularly give as gifts are Lauderee macaroons, they ship anywhere in the US or a gift pack from The Caviar Company, they have a $50 pringles and caviar set that’s fun. The caviar is a know your audience but both have gotten rave reviews.

    5. I’m not weighing in on whether fancy tequila is the right choice, but if you are looking for a good gifting tequila, Clase Azul Reposado is a classic option. They also do some nice mezcals if your friend likes smokier flavors.

      1. This is what I’d do. It’s too bad that it’s summer shipping because Bon Bon Bon in Detroit has unique chocolates as does Soma in Canada. However any fancy chocolate is good chocolate. You could also do fancy cookies or whatever looks cute in her town.

    7. The Strategist on NY Times just did a nice roundup of the best gifts for anyone (or something like that). It’s basically simple things that are really high quality – see if that gives you any inspiration.
      If not, no one ever got mad about a big beautiful bouquet of flowers!

  13. Anyone have any positive stories about moving somewhere you would consider less desirable for a relationship? I’m getting serious with someone (for the first time in forever, since the pandemic) and while we live in the same metro area, he needs to be on the other side of it for job reasons. I find that area so depressing and soulless, in contrast to where I live (walkable, incredible neighborhood feel, close to public transit, with multiple close friends/their families in walking distance).

    I bought here a few years ago in my early 30s based on the idea that I didn’t want to put my life on hold waiting for a partner, but knowing that I still wanted marriage/kids if it happened and that there was a strong chance that would involve moving, so intellectually this isn’t a surprise and any moving would be months away at minimum. But we’re starting to have conversations about what areas would work and its always been clear where I love isn’t workable (and I wouldn’t want to force him into a regular hour+ commute anyway). I guess I’m just looking for confirmation from the wise women here that life is long, circumstances change and needs change with them, and leaving my adorable established neighborhood/close by friends for the true burbs isn’t the worst thing in the world.

    1. Sounds like an area where you’re incompatible. I don’t understand fully why you’re the one who has to move when you’re really happy where you are, is he a My Way or the highway kind of guy?

      1. OP here – it’s more about the nature of our jobs, not compatibility or compromise. He has a job where he can only work remotely on occasion, whereas my job is fully remote and almost all positions now in my field are hybrid or remote. He’s happy to compromise – he brought it up first that he would move closer to the city, but wants to keep his driving commute half hour at most which seems totally reasonable to me. But that still puts us in the burbs – his job/current place I would consider to be located in the full boonies, although that may just be my city bias talking.

        1. I don’t accept that half hour at the most is a reasonable compromise vs you living in a place you hate.

          1. I agree. While I do love a short commute, he doesn’t even have to go in every day, yes?

        2. If he prioritizes his commute over you then maybe this isn’t the right relationship.

          1. I don’t see him as prioritizing his commute over you. I see it as him valuing his quality of life as well. Sounds like you both do. That’s totally understandable. I hope you’re able to find a solution.

    2. Why don’t you look for a place to live in a third, compromise location? I think it might be hard to tease out whether you are unhappy living with him vs where he lives, and it is also really nice to move into a place together rather than having someone move into a place that is already kind of owned (literally or figuratively) by one party. I realize this is probably a lot more difficult to actually do, especially since you own your own place, and I would not necessarily sell it if you could rent it out for a while, but just throwing it out there as another option. Whatever you do, you should not be the only one compromising.

    3. Is there an area that allows both of you to have a medium commute?

      I lived a cool walkable area, my husband lived in the burbs of burbs. Our jobs were an hour apart. I am not interested in anyone having an hour long commute to work. We bought our house in between. I am in a suburb, but not a far flung one. It doesn’t take long for me to do city things. No one has a long commute.

      Long term it worked great. We have kids now and I appreciate the school district, the space, the relative quiet.

    4. Also struggling with this concept. I think my BF would already live with me but for the fact that my small home was purchased with the idea that I’d always be the only one living in it. Purchasing something bigger where I live is out of reach and hard to justify when he works an hour away.

    5. I’m so confused. An hour commute is fine. To me that’s the obvious solution. He at least moves in with you for a year and tries it.

      1. +1! I thought this was going to be about moving to a different state or country or something.

      2. This. I live in Hoboken and my bf lived in Brooklyn for a year. That’s where he’s from, where he’s comfortable etc. My whole life is here, friends, family, hobbies, etc. I couldn’t see myself in Brooklyn so he moved here. He doesn’t love it but it’s more affordable than Brooklyn and if he wants to visit family in Brooklyn, I make it easy on him by driving us. He doesn’t have a car. He also has to be close to NYC due to his job while I would rather move further out to save money since I’m WFH. This sounds like a non issue to me if you are both serious about each other. Compromise is required throughout a relationship. If it was moving from NYC to Chicago I could see how that would be an issue but if it’s in the same city, I don’t see the issue.

        1. Yeah losing 2 hours a day to commuting is not living !!!

          With a long commute he’s led available to share the workload at home and he’s less available to do fun couple things.

        2. +1 especially with children! My husband just quit his job for this reason, it was miserable.

        3. You must not live in a major metro area. People pay a premium to “only” have an hour commute in NYC area.

        4. Agreed, I’m on the West Coast in a big city, but not LA. I would refuse an hour long commute for me or my husband.

    6. Don’t leave friends and family for someone’s job. It’s a job – he can find a different one, he can commute, he can talk to his manager about telework two days a week. Do not leave easy access to friends and family for his job.

      1. I don’t think people always have a choice. Sometimes your job is moving you to another city and it’s move or be unemployed.

      2. And many jobs don’t lend themselves to telework – schoolteacher, surgeon, construction worker, etc.

      3. Lots of jobs don’t lend themselves to telework – teacher, surgeon, police, chef, etc.

      4. To those snarking on my comment:

        1. I am aware that some jobs do not accommodate telework. He can avail himself of the other options.

        2. In your rush to point out how very smart you are, you miss the larger point: at the end of the day, it’s a job. The OP isn’t just talking about walking to a cute corner bookstore; her friends and family are within easy walking distance. That isn’t something to give up for a job. I did something similar (trailing spouse of an academic) and profoundly regret it. Ultimately, however hard to get or prestigious, it’s just a f—ing job and hauling me away from friends and family wasn’t worth it.

        1. You think changing a career path is a more reasonable compromise than living in a different area of the same metro area???

          1. Yeah these comments are wild to me!!! If you are building a stable, long-term partnership, yes you might both have to consider moving!

        2. The point is, are you going to buy their groceries, pay their rent and utilities, pay for their healthcare, etc. Only people with a trust fund say a job is just a job. Some of us gotta pay our bills!!!!

    7. Would it be temporary while he’s in this certain job? Jobs generally don’t last forever. Does his job outweigh your home ownership? How does your own job factor in? Is it better for your future goals? I’ve both refused to move for a boyfriend and moved thousands of miles for a boyfriend … so much depends on the relationship. Moving was harder than I anticipated because I was far from friends/family and everything was different down to the brand of peanut butter in the grocery store. But in the end we’re very happily married & it was worth it. Life is long & we’re thinking of moving back to my original area for retirement. Perhaps you’ll have less of an adjustment in the same metro area, perhaps you could keep your place for a while, perhaps there’s a third place that’s a good compromise? Change is always scary, but it’s good to move ahead. Even if you stay there’s no guarantee that the place or your feelings about it won’t change.

    8. I think this is a pretty common problem. My preference has always been to live in a walkable area of our city where a lot of friends live. However, the commute from that area never worked for my husband’s job. (All of the potential jobs for him in our city are located in areas that wouldn’t work from there.) As we got older, we also realized that that area didn’t have access to a synagogue, and a lot of our friends in the area either aren’t married or are but haven’t had kids… whereas we have.

      We ended up looking at a map and drawing a circle around a geography that worked for us and narrowed down by housing prices. I was also surprised to find that I wasn’t really culturally compatible long-term with some of the areas I thought I wanted to live. Like, in one of the walkable areas that would have been an option, most kids go to private school and parents have nannies take them everywhere. DH and I both want to be involved with our kids activities and public school is a priority for us, to the extent that’s possible. So.. we moved to a more suburban area, and despite some of my complaints, we’re happy here, and I think it’s a good fit for us. You may also find that things like walkable restaurants become less appealing to you when you have kids. We’ve also started to appreciate all of the outdoor space and parks near us a lot more. We also go into the city plenty for errands, etc., so I don’t really feel like I’m missing out or really doing less than when I lived closer to downtown (once we’d had kids).

    9. My husband and I have moved across the country together three times now, once for a job for me, once for a job for him, and once to be by my family (and closer to his), now that our jobs are both remote. So it’s completely normal to me that you give up things for your partner in hopes of making life better overall. I wouldn’t even consider forcing my partner into commuting 2 hours a day when I was WFH. That’s two hours a day I’d much rather be able to spend with him! Unless you’re in a VHCOL area (which you didn’t mention), it has to be possible to find a house and neighborhood that’s not terrible somewhere where the commute is more reasonable. Or is switching job locations possible (I recognize that’s not possible or desirable in many cases)? I think one important thing to remember is that the your current neighborhood will likely change over time as friends marry and have kids and also move to the burbs, so I wouldn’t assume that everyone you’re close to now will still be there in five years anyway, though this is certainly city dependent.

    10. If you want kids then having more space will become more desirable at some point. My suggestion would be that he tolerates the long commute temporarily until you two get married and then you can buy a big house in the burbs. Put reasonable timelines on everything.

      FWIW I tried this with an ex and it exposed some big problems in the relationship. I’m glad I found out before we got married. He had a 10 minute commute before, 30-45 min when he moved in with me, and he constantly groused about the commute. Like omg get over it. It’s temporary. I already agreed to live the rest of my life in a suburb I hate to be close to your parents. You can’t agree to a little bit of a commute for a year? It’s what alerted me to the broader pattern that he would not tolerate inconvenience “for me” no matter how small. We have longstanding plans with my friends but his friends last minute decide to go to the bar? He pouts about not going to the bar. His giant couches don’t fit in my place so I suggest a storage unit? He tries to Tetris his couches into my tiny living room, making it completely unusable, then gets frustrated and puts them on the sidewalk and tells his friends I made him get rid of the couches. Anytime he didn’t get what he wanted it was my fault.

  14. If you have kids or can imagine having them one day – do you or did you have a boy versus girl preference? Which one and why?

    1. I had a preference for a girl. I grew up with only sisters and had so many wonderful memories of full days spent playing dolls, doing art, etc. Stereotypical girl things, but that was my experience. We are all exceedingly close to our mom, and consider each other our best friends, and I wanted that for my own family. There are memes about being “the husband’s side of the family…” that have some basis in reality. I heard of people preferring a boy and could not fathom why.

      Joke was on me, because I had three boys! They are very high energy and BOY, and it is a very different environment than the one I grew up in. And no, I did not push any gender stereotypes (I bought the dolls, and the kitchen, etc) as everything boy was so foreign to me. I have come to know so much about vehicles and sports. My kids are fun and I love them and they are exhausting, lol. And I’m thankful they have opened up new worlds for me.

      The longing for a girl has never gone away, and I am pregnant again and expecting a daughter any day now. Obviously I knew it could be a boy, and I am having a fourth because I love my crazy kids, but I am happy that I’ll get to have a mix of genders now. Though the hormones are making me cry over the day when the hot wheels cars finally get packed up for grandkids.

    2. It’s not like I could choose, but I have older daughter, younger son. They’re only 20 months apart. That part was hard, that they’re close in age, but I would absolutely do that again. They’re little besties, or not so little because they’re both in college now, but they always were in their childhood, and still are.

    3. I’m currently pregnant with a boy and I had a preference for a girl. I had hoped to provide a girl with some of the things that I never had as a child, like support for body changes and encouragement to achieve in male-dominated fields. I also envisioned a mother daughter relationship as a special thing – one where I could support her in the realities of navigating life in a female body and finding happiness anyway. I’m nervous about raising a boy who is not a jerk and I’m also nervous about becoming one of those mothers who excuses jerk behavior in boys. Oh that said, I’m glad we found out during pregnancy because it gives me some time to come to terms with it and now I actually feel excited to have a boy. My friend opted to find out at birth instead because she felt like the surprise would take away any negativity about having a boy herself, but I feel like it would be harder for me to process in the moment.

      1. I’m the 3- boy mom above and chose to let it be a surprise for my first. That was a mistake. I don’t like surprises in general, why I did think I’d like this one? It was hard for me to bond at first, because my heart was expecting a girl and I was a little bit grieving the world I’d built in my head. Maybe that sounds jerky, but feelings are what they are.

        I found out with my next two, had time to process, and it was a MUCH better experience.

        And my first? He is so similar to me and is the light of my life. I love growing up again with him, and introducing him to books and adventures I loved. It will be great.

        1. I’m glad to hear you say that. It makes me feel better about the decision after getting input from my friend that finding out early would probably just give me more time to be disappointed. I haven’t found that to be true so far, but the hormonal swings are also no joke!

        2. I just posted below. I didn’t know what “being surprised” would add to my life but did know what it would take away.

          For all four kids, my parents chose to be surprised and then scrambled for baby names at the hospital. Thing is, when you think you have boy names and girl names, you really don’t. You haven’t really tried them on for size until you know that THIS is the name, not “maybe this, maybe that.” So some of our names are not great.

          I loathe my name – it’s basically something like Gretchen, and then they hated it too and could not admit it, so they saddled me with annoying and passive aggressive nicknames my entire life.

          Beyond that, I wanted time to process and feel like I was getting to know the kid I would have. I stopped dreaming of raising the first woman Governor of my state and started dreaming of raising a boy who would respect the hell out of the first woman Governor, as but one example.

          1. I referred to my babies by name in the womb from the moment I knew their sex. I have always been wired this way. I think it made me more bonded to them when they were born.

      2. Same: I wanted to raise a strong, self confident girl who had the upbringing I never had.

        My boy is such a great kid and I am raising him to (hopefully) be a genuinely decent person to everyone around him.

    4. I was really stupid and never envisioned having a boy. I just always assumed that it would be exactly like my family (girl first then a son). I sobbed a lot when I found out my first one was a boy, and remember feeling this big sense of loss that my firstborn wouldn’t be a daughter and even if he had a little sister it wouldn’t be the same. Second baby we actively tried for a girl, and had sex a full week before my fertile time… still a boy.

      It’s fine and I love them both but I suck as a boy mom. I maybe would have sucked as a mom either way, ha.

        1. There is research, look up the Shettles method, that male sperm are lighter and faster but die sooner and female sperm are heavier and slower but live longer. So if you want a boy, you DTD very close to ovulation and if you want a girl you have it earlier and not again until ovulation is complete.

          It’s been debunked, as the “male” sperm he saw through a microscope were actually just later stage sperm who had shed some parts and were ready to swim. But it’s hard to shake the feeling that you can do something to influence it, so I tried and it didn’t work for me either, lol.

          There is some research that diet can impact the acidity of the v*gina and X and Y sperm thrive in different environments. I did try that and got the girl (on baby 4). But it’s basically 50-50 and so 50% of the time the method “works”!

        2. There is some evidence girl sperm live longer but don’t swim as fast so having sex before ovulation increases odds of a girl and having sex during ovulation increases odds of a boy. There’s also stuff about diet and sex positions online but I think that’s all less evidence based than the ovulation window stuff. I did the timing thing too and got a girl as desired but that’s obviously just anecdata.

    5. I wanted a girl and had one. One concern I had is that we live in a more rural area and I didn’t necessarily want to deal with a bunch of macho bs if my kid turns out kind of nerdy, like me. Also I’m friends with my mom in a way that I’m not with my dad, so that’s something I hoped to have as well.

    6. My preference is extremely strong for a girl. So strong that I will be sobbing if I get pregnant with a boy.

        1. Seriously! Baby girls are the best, but so are baby boys! I have both. Love them to bits regardless of their body parts.

      2. What is it about girls that makes you want one? This idea of gender preference is based on so many assumptions about gender. You may get a girl who wants to play with trucks and refuses to wear dresses. You could get a boy who wants to do ballet. My dad and brother were bookish and into the arts. Neither could catch a ball. I had a rambuctios atheletic boy and ended up going to wrestlling and lacrosse matches while I had envisioned being a band mom. Our children are born with their own personalitites and gender is only part of that.

    7. I grew up with sisters and always imagined I’d have all girls. In fact, on one side of my family every single grandchild is a girl! 8 of them!

      When I was pregnant with my younger child and found out he was a boy (already had a girl) I was shocked! But not disappointed. I primarily wanted a healthy baby! I just had to adjust my way of thinking.

      I adore him to pieces. He was my babiest baby, loved to be held and snuggled – and since he was my last I was so happy about that! He is a giant grown up college boy now and we are still really close. When he was a baby I met another mom who said to me “little boys love their mamas” and that turned out to be how it was with little him.

      I am fortunate to be close with both of my kids. I would go to the end of the earth for either of them and I’m so proud of them both.

    8. I read an article about this in Slate recently (“ The Parents Who Want Daughters—and Daughters Only”), which goes into parents who use IVF for sex selection in the US and had a lot of anecdotes that were honestly kind of shocking.

      Anyway, I always assumed I’d have a daughter first because I’m an oldest daughter and I had a boy and it’s fun! I was pretty sure he was a boy by the end of pregnancy despite not finding out. I wasn’t disappointed when I found out (I find the sex matters less when the baby is born and you have 1000s of other details/pieces of info – they become a real person instead of something you are imagining).

      It does come up a lot though! I’m kind of surprised at the comments people make. I get a lot of comments about how lucky I am that I “got” a boy since I might only have one due to fertility issues. And on the other side, I get a lot of comments from girl moms about how awful boys are (usually with some specific reason – loud, mean, smelly, whatever) and how they’re so glad they don’t have boys and don’t have to raise them. And recently a close friend told me seeing her friends have boys has made her realize she doesn’t want kids because she doesn’t want to risk bringing another man into a world.

      1. I think I lean boy partly because I admire my husband and would hope that his son might grow up a little like him in some way. I would love to see more men like him, his father, or his brothers in the world.

    9. I had a preference for a girl. I wanted what I knew, and also the maternal grandmother normally gets a closer relationship with the grandkids than the paternal grandmother. That said I’m sure j would have been crazy about a boy if I’d one.

    10. Preference for boy. I guess because my friends growing up were boys up pretty much until college, and I just feel like I don’t know much about girls? I hope it’s not just patriarchal programming though!

    11. I didn’t at the time, but I’m super happy with the way it worked out with a big sister/little brother. My kids are just under 3 years apart and were good friends when little, pals during school years, and now good friends as young adults. They are totally opposite personality wise, strength wise, interest wise, but really look out for each other and really get along. I grew up in a family of all girls, and my dh grew up in a family with 2 boys, large age gap, then 2 girls.

    12. I hadn’t really thought about it. I was extremely adamant about not finding out the sex – husband and I had names set for a boy and a girl which had been agreed upon years prior to me getting pregnant. We had one discussion at around 6 months that was “do you still like the names X for a boy and Y for a girl?” we agreed we did and that was that.

      I have three brothers, I was in a unique situation in high school where my graduating class was 80 boys and 20 girls, and I haven’t had a female coworker in over a dozen years. I genuinely don’t understand the dynamic of sisters and all the hatred and scathing infighting and undercutting I see my friends have to deal with and all the tears and hurt it seems to continually cause. Boy interactions are really all I am used to. I was pretty confident when I was pregnant that the baby was a boy.

      When my husband announced it was a boy at the hospital, I had so much excitement, but also simultaneously so much worry about how to raise him so that he doesn’t end up like one of the jerk husbands/partners you read about on here. And honestly, just about every parenting decision I make is looked at through the lens of “how will this make sure that my son is a good partner/roommate/ teammate/wont end up on one of those Buzz Feed lists of the dumbest things guys say.”
      I know that I would also be genuinely happy with a girl, but I’d worry just as much about the specifics of raising a girl to not have body issues and to have a good relationship with me. I just think it would be a bigger learning curve for me.

    13. I wanted a girl because I have 2 brothers and they’ve put my mother through hell. Failure to launch, laziness, overly emotional, things that I see less in women because we just, cant? IDK. I have both now and its still scares me for when they get older.

        1. I think this is true, but it’s still hard especially if it’s coming from school.

    14. I have a boy, and am likely one and done. Honestly, we would probably have a second if I knew it would be a girl, but there’s no guarantee for that so I think our family is complete at three.

      I didn’t find out sex before birth, and did some grieving in the year after he was born about the daughter I wouldn’t have. But I realized that my husband was “the one” when I saw a picture of him as a toddler and thought to myself “I want one of those” when I previously was only able to imagine having a daughter, and now I do and it’s wonderful. (Even if he looks exactly like me and nothing like the picture of my husband!)

      It’s also been helpful to read about the experiences of the posters here like Cb, and helped me envision what our future will be like and how excited I am for that.

    15. I had no preference. I have one girl and two boys. My husband would have liked another girl though!

      1. Same. To all. I think I always assumed I would have a girl because I was one of two girls?

        I have 2 sons and a daughter. We definitely raised our kids with the ‘dolls and trucks for all children’ approach, so it wasn’t a ‘forcing gender norms’ thing… but I secretly love that I have a princess loving daughter who is so much like I was at her age and loves dance and makeup and princesses and dolls and dresses… I would have also probably loved a son who did this.

        The baby is currently obsessed with driving his big toy trucks around in our pink toy stroller. So. Balance.

    16. I don’t have kids yet. For me it would be emotionally harder to have a daughter, I think. Not only because I think women have it generally harder both growing up and as adults, but also because having a same-gender child would likely be a painful reminder of all the negative experiences I had as a child. I’ve observed the later with close friends who have girl children – as they pour love and care into their daughters in ways they never received themselves, it can be uniquely painful. But other people may find it healing. I think it might be harder to navigate co-parenting a daughter with a male partner, as the male partner likely has less understanding and certainly no directly-experienced understanding of the hardships of growing up as a girl. I would probably find that frustrating and worry it would make me feel alienated from my partner. Although I know some fathers who become even more empathetic feminists after they have daughters. A boy, however, would be a smaller version of my partner and I would find that absolutely adorable seeing that reflection. I think it would feel rewarding to raise a boy with a rich and healthy emotional life.

      1. I personally have found having a daughter to be quite healing. We share so many traits and I find them so lovable in her that it makes me appreciate them in myself when I grew up believing they were negative. I hope you get to experience the same!

    17. I have fraternal twins. We did not find out the sexes in advance. Honestly i would’ve been devastated to have 2 boys. I have a sister who I’m not particularly close with, but am very close with my mom. What I really wanted was one of each. What I got was two girls who could not be more different from one another. I love them both dearly but with twins I actually think it would be easier raising opposite sex fraternal twins or identical twins. DH said he didn’t really care. I think he too is glad we didn’t have 2 boys bc he knows i would’ve been upset. That being said if we were going to have two kids one at a time I would’ve wanted boy and then girl, but if we were going to only have 1, i would’ve wanted a girl. I know that these days there are ways to choose, but i am so glad this is a choice i never had to make

    18. I had a boy that I assumed was a boy purely on instinct or luck. I grew up in a house full of sisters and I have fond memories thereof, but at this point I don’t feel the need to be the mother of a daughter, even though we have plans to have more kids.

    19. The only way I would have a preference is if j have to become a single mom by choice, in which case I would want a girl. I think a lot of the teenage stuff (talking about puberty, safe sex, substance use, bullying / cliques) is easier with a same sex parent. So, if there’s no dad in
      My kids life that’s my preference.

      I hope to have kids with a partner though and in that case I’d ideally like one of each!

    20. I wanted a boy because I knew my husband wanted one, and I was fine either way. Ended up with two girls. I know my husband still feels some twinges of missing out, but of course our girls are amazing (and so different!) and the oldest has all the typical “boy” interests that they share anyway. I was glad we found it in advance for both so we could both process our feelings before the baby actually came (I know several women who cried in the delivery room upon being surprised).

      Agree with the comments above how shocking it is when people imply or ask if we need to keep trying to get a boy- I just think that is incredibly offensive and makes me inclined to immediately dislike whoever is asking as it feels like they are discounting my perfect children I already have.

    21. I really wanted to name my kid after my grandmother so I badly wanted a girl and got one! I’m thrilled with her and with her name. We are now trying for a second and I don’t care either way, the way I did with my first. But coming up with name ideas is SO much harder for boys!

      1. My daughter is named after my grandmother! So am I actually, but I have a shortened version, while my daughter has the full name. My grandmother was a kickass lady worthy of being named after.

    23. I thought I had a slight preference for a boy but when I found out my first was a girl I was SO over the moon excited. I was happy when I found out our second was a boy but not the same level.

      My husband had a lot of gender disappointment with my first pregnancy, but within a few days of her birth he started talking about their special bond. So much that he was then disappointed our second was a boy!

    24. Strong girl preference, cried when I found out it was a boy. Fast forward 15y and I love him to bits and it’s reciprocated. I did eventually have a girl too.

  15. Are there shoes that are more triangular-foot friendly than Birdies? I got a pair, but the heel is still too wide and the toe box is not wide enough. I need stuff that works in the casual office but that won’t fall off my foot when I’m walking (the Birdies do, even after adding heel snugging things to the heels).

    1. if you’re looking for loafers i don’t know what the answer is

      my way of dealing with it is to wear a lot of shoes with ankle straps and crisscrossy straps that go higher on the vamp. i just got a pair of cole haan sneakers and a pair of zero sneakers (xero?) and they were comfortable out of the box.

    2. Look at: Vivo barefoot, Lems, Xero and maybe Altra. I would guess that only Vivobarefoot will have something office appropriate. I go barefoot most of the time now and I’m not sure what I’ll do if I ever have to go back to the office.

    3. I find the following brands duck foot friendly: Cole Haan, Coach, and Kate Spade.

  16. Here’s a feel-good Friday update. Back in November I posted here about considering leaving my high school sweetheart husband. This is the original post–https://corporette.com/holiday-weekend-open-thread-54/

    I saved everyone’s replies because they were so encouraging and supportive, and signed a lease on an apartment just a few days after I posted the original comment. The divorce will be finalized by the end of this month. I am SO happy with my life and have absolutely zero regrets. Actually, my only regret is not leaving sooner. I look back at that comment and can see how afraid I was, and it’s like I don’t even know that person. I thought my ex and I had a good relationship– he always said how much he loved me and couldn’t imagine spending his life with anyone else, etc. But I’ve recently realized that his actions didn’t really reflect that. His default tone with me was mild annoyance, and it was always a kind of big deal for him to do something nice for me.

    I love living on my own, I love my apartment, I love being independent.

    I just started seeing someone who’s also recently divorced, and woah, I realized how little love I was getting from my ex. This new guy absolutely adores me, and the smallest things keep surprising me how much they mean to me. For instance, the last two times I’ve seen him he’s brought me my favorite flowers. Or last night he was coming over and I had a UTI come on pretty suddenly. I asked him to stop at the store to get otc meds and he did, despite working all day and driving two hours to see me. When he got here I was effusive with thanks and he was like, literally of course? How could I not? And I realized that my ex would have done it, but would have been annoyed/put out about having to go out of his way.

    Anyways, I’m so, so happy with my life right now and can’t wait to see what the future holds. (Also, the BF and I are totally aware that we’re each other’s rebound relationship, haha. So maybe it won’t be forever but I’m enjoying it while it lasts).

    1. Oh and how could I forget– THANK YOU to everyone who commented on my original post. You all gave me the push I needed to leave. I never realized internet strangers could have such a big impact on my life, but I am forever grateful <3

    2. It is so great to read that you’re with someone now who will do nice things for you and help take care of you without keeping score or holding it against you. Your story sounds just like my aunt’s – after her husband (who was more of an outright jerk than yours sounds) died, she ended up meeting the love of her life and the day to day became so different for her. She wrote to me “I used to think it was funny you and your husband would run errands together and I never understood why you would want to, but now I get it – we love doing even mundane things together.” He always has her back, they love spending time together, and they’re just plain happy. I’m so glad you put yourself on that path too – it’s all you!

    3. I am so happy for you! There is nothing quite so lonely as being in a soul sucking relationship. It sounds like you have created a wonderful life for yourself. Congratulations for moving forward and not settling!

    4. I often respond to a post from someone contemplating divorce, “in a year you will feel so much better!”

      And look at you, OP! Not even a year.

      Quite honestly I felt to much better the minute my ex husband moved out. It didn’t take a year for me either.

      For anyone else contemplating divorce, if you’re at the point where you’re contemplating it, don’t put it off. Things rarely, rarely get better than the conditions that led you to seriously contemplate divorce.

    7. I so appreciate the threads about marriage and divorce decisions! There’s usually such a wide range of opinions here about most things, that to see a thread converge truly feels like community wisdom. And when there’s no convergence it reminds me that some decisions are hard and that there is no right answer.

      Thank you to everyone who’s brave enough to post their dilemmas and invite internet strangers to have a conversation…

  17. Has anyone used the dating apps recently? After taking some time to heal after a breakup, I am ready to meet people again. The apps seem to be useful tools for that but all the recent articles about them being a dumpster fire are giving me pause. I used Bumble to meet my previous partner 6 years ago but things may have changed. I’m in my early 50s and in a large metro area for context.

    1. I’m in my 30s so YMMV but I used Bumble to meet my current partner 6 months ago. Hinge was active, but I preferred Bumble. Stay away from Tinder, it’s a total hookup app these days. I downloaded it and deleted it in the same day.

      1. I liked using Bumble previously because the woman had to make the first move. It sounds like there’s now the option to let the guy reach out first.

        1. I think men can only make the first move if you “like” their photo or prompt. If you just do regular swipe right, they can’t message first.

    2. Mid 30s, met my partner on Hinge. But in all fairness I had to wade through a lot of chaff and mediocre first dates to get there. Some days I just had to think about looking at profiles as a comedic exercise rather than dating app or I would have been too depressed about the options I was seeing.

      1. I’m fully expecting that. This time around I figured I would be disciplined about setting specific time limits for being on the app and being ruthless about swiping left (or blocking if you are familiar with the Burned Haystack Dating Method) on all the weird nonsense and red flags. When I did this before I just looked at the app as an introduction service.

    3. 10 years ago when I met my husband they were a sh*tshow too, but honestly it’s where single people looking for relationships are. I just had rules like delete and don’t respond to the noise, go on a date quickly and don’t waste time chatting without meeting. I saw it as a resume service. No advice on what to use, but at the time it was regional and age based so I’d figure out those variables.

      1. PS – I had way more success responding to men who reached out to me than vice versa. I found a lot of men just hung out on there and didn’t delete their profiles for whatever reason. By only responding to men who reached out, at least one variable was removed.

  18. I posted yesterday looking for button-front shirt recommendations due to a shoulder injury that makes it painful to put on and take off pullover type tops.

    I went to a Macy’s and a Nordstrom yesterday. At Macy’s I had luck with Tommy Hilfiger and Lucky Brand. I would say the Lucky Brand button front tops are more of an elbow sleeve blouse, in two different patterns. Very light weight fabric that I would call cotton lawn for the sewists.

    At Nordstrom I bought a Treasure & Bond shirt that I may actually return. But one Frank & Eileen shirt is in its way to me – the store didn’t have the color I wanted in my size. What nice fabric they use! So that’s a recommendation from me if you feel like splashing out on a really, really nice shirt.

    Here’s the Frank & Eileen shirt for anyone interested. They also had some nice linen shirts in a similar style that I liked but didn’t $250 like.

    https://www.nordstrom.com/s/7685901?color=100

    I loved the feel of the cotton on this one, plus the butterflies, and the fact that it was on sale, of course!

    2. I missed your post yesterday but I love the J Crew Cotton Gauze button down shirts. Size down!

  19. Favorite (ideally free) app for tracking weight, and eventually macros and exercise? Is MFP still the way?

    1. I use Cronometer for micros and macros. I guess I would use Fitbit if I wanted weight and exercise?

    2. I’m liking LoseIt so far—it’s like what MFP used to be. It’s a bit clunky but it does what I need it to.

    3. Chronometer will track all of that. If you have a fitness watch then the Fitbit app might be good too.

    5. I’ve been using Lose It for just about a week and I like it. Yes, it’s $40 a year but if I lose 10 lbs over 2, 2-1/2 months, it’s money well spent. The last time I dropped major weight I tracked everything that I went into my mouth. For me, this is what works. I like looking at the app and seeing how many calories I have remaining for the day. 15 minutes ago I was going to have a small piece of chocolate but then I realized I’d rather have a margarita and stay with in my calorie guidelines. So, I’m drinking ice water.

  20. One of those days when none of my clients take my (expensive and relevant) advice, ugh.

  21. I’m currently in a challenging situation at a nonprofit where I’ve been for just under a year. How can I maintain some semblance of sanity while also job searching without being seen as a job hopper?

    I started my role 10 months ago, drawn by the prospect of building a new development (fundraising) function. However, I soon discovered significant instability: four Executive Directors in four years and a hands-on Board that oversteps boundaries. This Board frequently emails staff with demands, from “I think you should use a different color on this flyer” to “I can’t figure out how to download the PDF / can’t figure out how to use Zoom, can you help me?”. Most of the Board are retirees in their 70s and 80s.

    One Board member actually threatened to fire me when I told her no, she couldn’t rewrite and redesign a report that we paid a consultant to produce.

    Staffing has been another major issue. I didn’t know that 8 of the 10 member staff went PT during COVID due to budget cuts. Since I started, 5 of the 10 have quit to find FT employment, and no roles are being rehired for. That leaves me covering 3 roles. Despite these challenges, the Board is pushing for unrealistic revenue increases.

    I’ve tried to involve the Board in development activities by providing specific tasks they could help with, based on my 15+ years of experience. Instead, they rejected my plan and insisted on co-creating one (despite their lack of nonprofit, let alone development, experience), resulting in a plan that’s going to fail. Then, 2 Board members actually quit, saying I was “asking too much of them”. Some examples of what I asked are: “here’s a template email. Can you send this to 10 contacts?”

    About 3 months ago, someone on our 5 member staff apparently filed a harassment complaint with the Board, which led to an investigation by a labor attorney with no nonprofit experience. The process was opaque, no one left, and there’s been no follow-up, leaving the team uneasy. I believe survivors out of principle, although I haven’t witnessed any harassment.

    Given these issues, I’ve started job searching. In interviews, I explain my brief tenure by highlighting the unsustainable staffing model after going from 10 to 5 staff. I emphasize that while I’m a flexible team player, the current situation is not viable for long-term success. But I worry that the short tenure on my resume is preventing me from getting interviews. I’ve been in 3 interview processes, and I get asked about why I’m leaving my role so quickly.

    Financially, I can’t afford to quit without another job lined up. Any tips here? It feels like walking on egg shells every day, and I’m very burnt out.

    1. Have you always been in nonprofit? I’d try pivoting out of it, I think you’d get a sympathetic ear. Also if this is your only short stint, I doubt most people will care. I’d also work your network rather than cold apply if that’s what’s you’re doing.

      1. I would love to leave nonprofits! I appreciate the encouragement, and I’ve seen and heard of so many horror stories although this is my first time truly living one (for low pay, too). I have a HYP undergrad degree and have been doing calls with friends in various industries to see how my experience might translate. One challenge I’ve encountered is being perceived as a generalist. My job would be 5 different jobs in the corporate world. I don’t just do development/fundraising. I also do financial forecasting, analysis, and modeling. Communications/marketing, operations, project management. But my titles don’t reflect that on my resume. I agree networking will be key to get into a different sector.

        Fortunately, it’s my only short stint.

        1. I think you might have good luck with analyst roles in the private sector. They tend to look for generalist type backgrounds. It might be a technical step down at first, but the pay would probably be similar and since you have experience, you’d probably move up quickly. It all takes a little time and I’d focus on leaving nonprofit – easier to spin why you’re leaving too by focusing on sector issues than specific issues at your org.

          1. I’ll look into this – what would I search for a job title on LinkedIn? Is “analyst” the title?

        2. You’re going to need to customize your resume for each function. If you’re applying to communications/marketing roles, emphasize that on your resume, with the rest lower down. It’s also ok if your job title isn’t “communications associate,” and you don’t need to include your actual job title – you can use your job function as your title if it’s more general or makes more sense (development associate/manager/director titles/roles do still sound impressive). Your cover letter should explain that while you have overall experience doing X, Y, and Z, you’re looking for a role focusing on Y. I agree with the other poster that your first role in the private sector could be a step down, but your salary could well be the same or higher.

          1. This is helpful! I have a lot of Sr Dir/Director of (Major Gifts/Development/Individual Giving) roles that maybe I could be vague about as “director”. I’ll definitely make different flavors of resume for each function. Thanks!

    2. Just curious – what about the lawyer having no experience with nonprofits felt relevant to you? (Not questioning your feelings that it was, genuinely wondering why.)

      1. Sure! That’s a good question. Our conversation was her asking me a lot of questions about how nonprofits function and what IRS regulations are. I wasn’t expecting that in a harassment investigation.

    3. Have you considered doing some consulting work as a bridge to your next job? You could even spin it as realizing that you wanted to help places like your current job that has the need but not the budget for a full-time staff.

      And I would rephrase your answer to the short tenure question and just say that due to financial challenges, your team has had to cut staff to PT work in the recent past and that you really need FT hours. After all, it could happen again. Nobody will blink at that reason.

      1. I love the point about needing FT hours. That’s very true.

        I’ve done some side gig consulting for years and have an LLC, but that hasn’t ever been enough revenue to sustain myself. It’s definitely a good back up plan!

    4. Unless you have a history of short tenure at previous jobs, at this point in your career, you can afford to have one job not work out. I’m also a nonprofit fundraiser and the situation you describe is untenable. I don’t know why your ED isn’t stepping in, but this is nuts and it is not true of most nonprofit jobs. I think you can just say that you’ve found that the position isn’t a good fit and highlight why new job would be a good fit, and then point to things like the organization being terribly short staffed and having had a lot of leadership turnover if pressed for details. Don’t badmouth the ED or the board, but let them read between the lines. If the organization has had 4 EDs in 4 years, I am guessing that other organizations you might be interviewing with may already know it is a messy place. (Related, gently, how did you not know this before accepting the job? I’m sure you will never make this mistake again but interview your prospective employers too!)

      And put the word out in your network that you are looking. You might even ask your previous boss for help if you left on good terms. This is what helped me when I was in a similar situation; my former boss got me my next job.

      Good luck and try to stay sane! Rogue board members are bananas. At the behest of a deluded board member, I once had to write a letter asking Viggo Mortenstern if he would be honored at our orgs’ gala despite having no connection to the organization, our town, or even our mission except in the broadest possible sense. Shockingly, Viggo did not write me back.

      1. Thanks for your feedback as a fellow fundraiser! LOLing at Viggo…I’ve had really similar conversations with Board members about “have you just tried mailing (insert famous rich person from our state here)? No response? Just keep sending more letters!” My direct report actually stepped in to say “I doubt they’re reading the letters, its probably an admin like me and deluging them won’t help.”

        I hadn’t considered that other orgs may be aware of all the transition and red flags where I’m at. That’s a good point, given fully half the staff have left and presumably interviewed around town!

        As to the ED transition, I was sold a false bill of goods. In the interview, I was told a long-term ED retired during COVID, a 2nd ED was there about a year until she was “recruited away” by a much larger state org (also true), and the 3rd, current ED was new, less than a year. I wasn’t told they appointed a Board member to be an interim ED for *over a year* and then fired him when he failed to satisfy them. That would have been a dealbreaker. I also no longer believe ED #2 was recruited away. I think she ran for the hills.

        1. Glad you got a laugh about Viggo (can we talk about ever Board member believing that Mackenzie Phillips and/or Jeff Bezos wants to fund your org?) and I’m sorry for even asking about the ED situation – in hindsight that felt like kicking you when you were down. As I mentioned in my post, I too have had a job that turned out to be terrible; in my case I only lasted 6 months. I started looking after a meeting with my boss after 3 months in which she basically told me to leave or be fired. 18 years later, I’m still not sure why they didn’t like me but I have done well in subsequent positions and have been much happier.

          One other idea for you – I saw you mentioned being interested in switching fields. I know someone who got a fundraising job at a university in order to get a Master’s degree for free; I think it was an MBA. Obviously check the details but that could be a good option for you if you definitely want to do something different. I think many nonprofits also prize university fundraising experience because they have it down to such a science. Also, larger organizations and nonprofits (e.g. colleges) tend to be less dysfunctional just because there are more people around to dilute the impact of terrible employees.

          1. I actually reached out to my undergrad alumni office as I’m in the same city as my alma mater, and the recruiter straight up told me they don’t hire alums. I was so surprised! My grad school (I have a master’s) definitely does – I know they definitely hire alumni because friends work in their advancement office. Unfortunately my grad alma mater is across the country.

    5. I would say ‘When accepting the role it had been planned that duties and salary would expand as fundraising goals were met. Leadership have agreed I met the goals but have decided to delay the expansion of duties and salary increase for at least another year due to external circumstances.’ It happens. You aren’t badmouthing them.

      Treat it like a layoff. Less is more.

    6. Is the Board’s expectation to be primarily fundraisers, or to more guide the direction and oversight, or something else?

      1. Good question! Most of the Board members have been there a decade or more, and they’re primarily retirees. It seems to be a social club for them. There are 15 board members and 12 Board committees…they have so many meetings, all the time, with little outcomes.

        None of them seem to want to be fundraisers, but the org has been running a deficit for 4 years now, and they feel an understandable urgency to raise funds. Of the 5 remaining staff, only 3 of us are FT. So they went from 10 FT to 3 FT and 7 PT, and then lost 5 of the PTs.

        The tasks I ask them for help with are very common and standard practice in my field. I’ve worked with other boards as well as serving on several myself. I think this board is quite terrified of doing anything that isn’t having meetings about meetings.

    7. One way to check longevity of management at a non-profit is to look at their 990s. Guidestar.org usually has the most recent three or four. The form lists the board and executive staff. If you keep seeing different names in each year, that can tell you something. Also, they have to list outside consultants as well as overall payroll costs by department. Another way to tell how they’re staffed.

  22. Any favorite sandals for the office? Work in a warm climate where it’s appropriate. Thanks! (already got a few ideas in another post, thanks in advance!)

    1. I find it impossible to recommend shoes in a vacuum. What kind of office is this, and what kind of outfits are you wearing? The sandals I’d wear with my summer clothes might look terrible with yours.

      1. Business casual to, on occasion, slightly formal. Academic nonprofit. Usually wear pants but may do the occasional dress. I prefer sandals that read more formal (as opposed to beachy, for example), but without a high heel. Prefer no ankle straps. Generally, just curious what others like to wear to work to give me ideas and inspiration next time I shop.

  23. I wonder if anyone else has this issue. DH really hates hearing people talk about politics and will change the subject if it comes up. He’s very uncomfortable with expressions of strong emotion. People are saying things like, I’m terrified for the next election, and he’s all let’s talk about the weather. If he doesn’t want to participate then that’s fine he can sit out that part of the conversation or excuse himself to go elsewhere. I sit through plenty of boring-to-me talk about sportsball and his hobbies for hours on end. I can’t imagine shutting down a conversation topic I’m not personally interested in let alone someone who’s expressing very real anxiety.

    I have told him it hurts my feelings, that it feels like he’s silencing me talking about my fears and getting support from my community. He said he didn’t mean to do that and he doesn’t want me to feel that way. But he did it again recently in a small group of our close friends. I bluntly told him to go away if he’s not interested but we are having a conversation. I could tell it was uncomfortable for our friends even though they were grateful that I didn’t let him shut them down. I hate being rude to my husband at all but especially in front of others. How should I handle this? What should I have said differently?

    1. I’d respect my partner in a group setting and I’d probably talk about you all the way home about how rude that was. A lot of people don’t enjoy political talk at parties even if they pretend otherwise. It makes me very uncomfortable in a group setting even if I mostly agree, too. There’s a reason it’s been considered a rude conversational topic. If you want to talk to your husband alone, that’s different and a topic to discuss with him privately. If you must discuss things in a group, I’d find some like minded friends and take the conversation there.

    2. I would have been less blunt. I would have lightheartedly said “I know I know, John doesn’t like talking about these things but I have to get it out!” and continued the conversation. Then would have told him again afterwards how it hurts your feelings.

      1. This is a really good script thanks. And to be clear I wasn’t the main one talking.

    3. Don’t have these conversations around your husband in a group setting? TBH, I really don’t like talking politics during social gatherings, either. Especially in the current climate, it can really bring the mood down even if you agree with others. There is a time and place to talk about them, and apparently around your husband ain’t it.

        1. He definitely doesn’t have the right to dictate what OP talks about. He can remove himself from conversations if he’s uncomfortable – “ugh, politics, I’m out of here!” with a laugh is entirely within his control.

    5. I have a family member like this and it is an expression of strong anxiety, probably related to his upbringing and an association between strongly expressed feelings and domestic violence. You might want to consider whether this is “I don’t care about this” or “you are giving me an anxiety attack.” Does he only do it when the topic turns to politics? If he is willing to sit through discussions about other topics that do not interest him, it would be different than if he is only willing to talk about things he finds interesting.

      And honestly I am going to disagree with everyone else: (1) You should never be rude to your spouse in public unless you want to get a divorce and (2) In a small group, it is rude to insist on a conversation that is making one member of the group uncomfortable. It would be different at a party where one person can wander off and talk to someone else but in a small group setting, it is not just acceptable (and I say this as someone who recently had to point out to a group of friends badmouthing religion that I am a practicing Christian so maybe don’t make me sit through this because I have enough respect for them not to try to change their minds and I would appreciate the same level of respect in return.)

      1. I don’t think you’re disagreeing with anyone, I said the same thing. She was super rude to her husband and her friends.

        1. I realized that once my comment posted! There were a bunch of posts that showed up just as I hit “Post Comment”!

    6. Have you ever heard the phrase “praise in public, criticize in private?” Your point is valid and I agree with it – but you need to be mindful of cutting your spouse down in front of friends.

    7. It’s old wisdom not to discuss “politics or religion in polite company.” Is there any chance he has a point? It’s not just disinteresting but conventionally rude.

      Are you really expressing anxiety & getting support? That’s bonding for some people, with the energizing feeling anxiety gives you (and the soothing) but for others it’s an unappreciated trauma dump.

      1. Everyone but him and one other guy were participating actively in the political conversation. He and the other guy were talking about something else but he nevertheless decided to try to get us to stop talking about politics too. We were not at a dinner table, if they wanted to go hang out by a cooler or in the pool or something so they didn’t hear the politics talk then they could have.

        No one was trauma dumping, and it’s not just me talking. When I spoke with him privately I framed it in terms of my feelings because 1) that’s what’s really important to our marriage and 2) I don’t want the conversation to devolve into, did she really feel that way how can you speak for someone else. But in reality it’s not just ME getting support and expressing anxiety, other people do that too, and I actually wasn’t the one who used the word “terrified” at all. I think it’s rude to shut down someone expressing their feelings but that just wasn’t the focus of my private conversation with him.

    8. I think this depends on the context. If this is a group of people who like to talk politics, it’s rude to change the subject. If he doesn’t like that kind of discussion, maybe you should hang out with these friends without him so that you have a chance to have those kinds of conversations. On the other hand, lots of people don’t love politics talk, and even though I’m kind of a political junkie and love to talk policy, I only have so much tolerance for the doom and gloomerism, so I can see why he might have tried to change the subject if he thought it was getting to be a bit much. I don’t know that endlessly ruminating on anxiety provoking topics is actually all that helpful, it’s hard to say without knowing more about what kind of conversations you’re having.

    9. I have this issue with weight talk; I really benefit from support in my efforts with weight management, but this conversational topic is toxic to many people! I think the answer is that I don’t get to talk about it around people who find it triggering; I need to have those conversations at different gatherings.

    10. I don’t think talking listing to someone talk about hobbies or sportsball is the same as listening to someone talk about politics, and especially this particular election.

      For as much as I deeply in my soul do not want Trump to win, I cannot engage in conversation about this election except at the most surface of levels (and even still I try to avoid). I won’t let my head go to catastrophizing. It’s not productive for me or good for my mental health. Maybe your husband is coming from a similar place?

      Also, don’t be rude to your husband in public as just a baseline? YTA on that bit of your post for sure.

      1. +1 to your last bit. I really doubt your friends were grateful, they probably just felt awkward.

    11. It seems like a lot of the responses are acting like you can never discuss politics even when other people are also interested in doing so. I strongly disagree with that – a lot of people want to talk politics and have every right to do so. It’s important! I also think that you shouldn’t criticize your spouse in public. Maybe next time, say “we’ll go over here to continue our discussion, catch up in a bit” and then talk to your spouse in private.

      You’re correct that his preferences do not automatically override yours.

          1. Help me understand then. Do these exact conversations lead people to vote differently or to take different actions?

            If OP was talking about her important volunteer work or active advocacy and husband shut it down, that seems really different from if this is rehashing talking points from TV or doom scrolling.

          2. JFC 3:34, I’m not the person you’re responding to, but you are the exact type of person (arrogant, overly impressed with themselves, pretentious) I would never want to have one of these conversations with.

    12. I don’t have any advice but I can empathize with your husband. I’m married to an Australian and when we go there literally ever single conversation with friends or family will at some point pivot to American politics, which they treat as a spectator sport, and I HATE having to sit through those conversations. I don’t mind them as much here when the people talking are actually affected by the outcomes, but it’s still not my fave. Nearly 100% of these conversations are just rehashing the exact same ideas and it just makes me more anxious about the state of the world. Talking with people who agree with you about how awful the state of the world is doesn’t accomplish anything.

  24. We have annual reviews coming up and I just got a calendar invite for mine on Monday. For no reason I am panicked that my boss scheduled mine first and it means that I’m in trouble or something else is wrong. I’ve made a couple smallish mistakes lately and I am just so panicked. I have PTSD from being previously fired out of the blue and my current job is one I like and feel really stable in so I would be devastated.

    Help talk me down off the ledge? Logically o know that there isn’t any hidden drama to the scheduling, it’s probably what worked best but still…

    1. If it’s so soon I would almost guess that they thought it would be easiest and wanted to get it out of the way. People tend to put off the bad ones until last minute (I own Performance management at my job.) show up with your success stories of what you’ve done and one learning /development thing you want to work on in the second half of the year.

    2. Seconding the comment as a boss and scheduler of these, I do the easy ones first. Probably not bad.

    3. I’m a manager and the very last thing I would want to do is to schedule the hard annual review (or any hard meeting) first thing on a Monday. I’m going to schedule my easiest one first.

    4. Everyone knows that people get fired on Fridays, not Mondays.

      I’m completely serious. If I were scheduling a review culminating in a termination, it would be on a Friday.

      1. +1 bad news (firing, PIPs, etc) on Fridays is pretty universal. I’m sure you’re fine!

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