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How many times have I looked at a dress and thought, wow, this would be perfect if the sleeves were a little longer, or the hem a little shorter? This new-to-me brand lets you select sleeve and skirt lengths to make a made-to-order wrap dress. (H/T to Kat for this find!)
I love this raspberry pink color, but it also comes in a variety of other colors and prints. For a work look, I’d likely do a three-quarter-length sleeve and knee-length skirt. You could also turn this into a more formal look with an ankle- or full-length.
The dress is $198 and the size range is pretty amazing — it goes from size 12 through 32, or you can provide your measurements to make a truly custom item. Dominique Dress
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Pear
Oh, if only they could also made some magic algorithm that would spit out a wrap dress for someone who is flat-chested, pear-shaped (+2 sizes difference in top/bottom) who is also high-waisted (so standard wraps tie at my tummy or high hip) and short? We can put a man on the moon but not make a wrap dress to fit my dimensions (and oddly, this is not something you can find a kids version of with the right vertical dimensions; kids seem to wear everything else adults do but wrap dresses).
Kares
Try eShakti. You can have the dress customized to your measurements for about $10. Plus all dresses come with POCKETS.
Anon
+1. I have never purchased from eshakti, but my adult daughter has bought MANY dresses from them which are gorgeous, customized and great quality. Also very affordable.
Anonymous
Counter-point: I ordered 3 dresses all customized to the same measurements at the same time. They all fit wildly differently. It was probably the hardest return process I’ve ever been through. I definitely wouldnt recommend.
Anon
There’s a website called The Petite Pear Project.
Anon
For a customized dress place, I’m very disappointed they couldn’t create one with a hem that lies straight on their own model.
Anon
Does taping your elevens with medical tape at night or while at home (if they are like bumps and not lines) actually work? Does it make your skin sag over time? Mine are getting out of control, and with the uncertainness of our future, I am not sure it would be wise to commit to injectables. Though, on the other hand, looking older than you are is definitely a detriment to your future (unfortunately).
Anonymous
No. It does not.
Anonymous
only if you let it a detriment!
anon
unfortunately that’s not how unrealistic beauty standards work
Moonstone
I used to use a product called “Frownies.” I really don’t know whether they worked, but they certainly make you feel stupid. They are exactly like pasting the gummed part of a manila envelope to your forehead before bed. After I turned 50, I started getting 12 units of Botox every six months and that definitely worked. I notice the difference since I skipped my last appointment.
Anon
Do you look worse than before after having Botox?
Moonstone
I think having the Botox for a few years slowed down the deepening of the “elevens,” even though I do it only every 6 months. Since not having it, I think the positive effects have warn off but the lines are no deeper than they were before I started Botox.
Maudie Atkinson
Nope, or at least I don’t, nor do I know anyone else who does.
anne-on
No, but your lines will come back once you start. For me, starting it early (forehead more than 11’s) means my expression lines are not deeply etched – it’s easier to prevent them than to correct generally. My dermatologist has mentioned that those who do botox later may need botox + filler to get the same results as those who start earlier.
anne-on
Sorry, once you STOP. Thanks to the pandemic I found out that I can stretch to closer to 5-6 months vs. my normal every 3-4 month cycle before the ‘etching in’ of lines starts again.
Anon
I wonder if you are already 40 if the effect of stopping suddenly would be worse.
CountC
Anecdata: I’m 40 and I am way overdue for Botox, but my 11s are no worse than they were before I started Botox years ago.
Lilau
Do NOT tape your face. Got get a round of Botox. You’ll probably like it and want some more in thee to six months, but it’s not like nail extensions where’re you have to go get a fill.
Anonymous
Botox does not make your lines worse as it wears off. If anything, it can have some benefit over time. But if you don’t like it, just don’t redo it and you’re back to where you started. (But I’ll bet you like it…)
Kitten
+1
I first got botox for non-aesthetic reasons, but now that I’ve done it for several years I would honestly do it just for aesthetic purposes. At this point I’ve probably gone a dozen+ times and have never had bruising or any other issues. I go to one of the more expensive places in my city and pay <$200 for my 11s. If your forehead has a crease even when you are relaxed, the tape at night might help a bit because at least your skin will have ~8 hours to heal, but I doubt it will do enough if your forehead is tensed up all day. The longer you wait, the less likely botox will completely fix it. And it's fine to just do it once if you don't like it.
Nobody will be able to tell! My own mother doesn't know.
Anonymous
I like Estée Lauder Advanced Night Repair for my elevens (personally only apply it once a day).
Curious
Slugging (the layer of Aquaphor before bed) helps mine a lot because my wrinkles show less when I’m hydrated. Might be worth a try as a pandemic stopgap?
anne-on
This is a good point – the older I get the more I notice if I slack off on moisture, especially in the winter/when traveling (in the before times, obviously).
Anon
I can understand that. I stopped using my Vanicream the other day and looked at myself under bright lighting. I hadn’t noticed how wrinkled my skin had gotten while it was hidden by the moisturizer.
Anon
Yay for slugging. Life changing for me.
A.
I have a follow-up Botox question. I’m considering it but want it sort of as a general smoother — I do not want the super-flat forehead/face that I see on some celebrities. Is there a good way to ask for this? I’m aiming for “Snapchat filter” — some lines/wrinkles OK, just not mega deep ones.
Friday
You’ll want to start with a very small amount and stretch it out more over time. If they say come back every 3 months, go back every 6. You can also stop doing it at any time. My derm showed me her forehead after 10 years of Botox, and TBH it looks kinda weird (but she’s had a lot of other work done IMO – nothing wrong with that, just not the look I’m going for). I’m 34 and have pretty deep lines in my forehead. So far I have had Botox (Dysport actually) once and within a few weeks the lines have started to come back, but more faintly. I was very skeptical about trying it, but I really like the way my forehead looks now. My face is super expressive, so I use those muscles a lot. YMMV if you’re not as expressive. If I’m being honest I was a little afraid it would lead to other things, but I will keep doing Dysport for a while and nothing else. I guess you want to find a derm who is not trying to upsell you. There are a lot of DIY options (rx retinol, for instance) if you’re not ready to commit to Botox, but I do not have the discipline for an elaborate skin care routine.
bookworm
I’m 26, but also very expressive, and I can see that I will have forehead lines. For now I’m doing some of the OTC retinol and this is younger than I thought I’d have to think about it, but this is a good perspective.
On the other hand I do usually look younger than I am (annoying at work) so maybe this will help.
CountC
Tell your provider that you only want your 11s done. Do not let them go farther up your forehead. I only have my 11s and then a small number of units at the end of the opposite side of the eyebrow and I do not have a frozen forehead. Definitely start with low units – you can always up it the next time.
Anon
Did you have any eyebrow drooping? Do you know if they went one in or one cm above your outer eyebrows?
Kitten
When I just have my 11s done they don’t place any botox around my outer brows, it’s focused mostly between my brows and slightly above. I can still raise my eyebrows, I just can’t furrow. This will get rid of your 11s but won’t completely get rid of horizontal lines, if you have those. I’ve never had eyebrow drooping; getting your 11s only done usually causes a slight brow lift actually.
Anon
I had left eyebrow droop when I got Botox for forehead and glabellar lines, because my injector was on maternity leave and they gave me a substitute. That’s the first time I wasn’t thrilled with my results; eyebrow droop is caused by a lack of skill in the injector. It went away in about 2 weeks. I now refuse to see another injector, and have not had any issues since that one time.
Diana Barry
I use Frownies at night, my DH is not on board with botox. They do help. What helps even more is retraining your face to stop frowning during the day. I used to keep tabs on myself by checking in a mirror every once in a while to see if I was frowning, and then consciously relaxing. Now I can do that without looking in the mirror. I also smooth my forehead a bit if I am concentrating at work to make sure my face stays relaxed.
Anon
But do you find that when you stop using them after a couple of nights that the lines are worse?
No offense, and as an aside, I have a theory about the Frownies company. They are so hyper vigilant about their own marketing that they post most of the reviews on their own products and have for years. I believe they show up on Reddit as users of their own products and other message boards, too. Most people here don’t use their first and last names to post, so I am skeptical.
Anonymous
Diana Barry has posted under this handle (which is an Anne of Green Gables reference) for at least a decade.
Anon
Diana Barry has been posting here for years and it is a reference to Anne of Green Gables LOL.
Anon
I forgot about that. I apologize for that comment being a bit aggressive, but I do see a lot of the same made up looking names on a bunch of sites giving reviews for their products. Plus, it is really obvious that the family selling them has loads of the most obvious kind of Botox.
Kitten
My BF isn’t on board with botox, so I just don’t tell him :)
To be fair, he doesn’t understand the difference between fillers and botox so he mistakenly thinks it’s obvious when someone has botox.
Jennifer
I’ve used frownies for years. They are not as effective as Botox which I have also done, but I see a huge difference when using them consistently. Still a hint of 11s but not deep furrows between my brows. You need to keep them sealed in a ziploc bag or the glue stops working 2/3 of the way through the pack. And I am a real person in no way associated with the Frownies marketing department.
Ellen
Elizabeth, I love the dress and the rasberry color, but you know if there are other places that stock something similar in a size 4?
Anon
Has anyone been navigating online dating this year and finding that a lot of your peers seem to have a very different Covid risk tolerance than you? I’m matching with guys (late twenties/early thirties) and asking how their weekends were and they’re saying, “It was great, went to X bar with friends on Friday night and then bowling with friends on Saturday night.” I’m just like…oh…those are…not things I’m comfortable doing right now.
Tired
I think of it as a good screening mechanism. I’ve always been like we are meeting outside. In a park. Wearing masks most of the time, and no one has ballers at or not done that. And they also have indicated that they weren’t going out with friends either.
Anonymous
+1. The guys I’m interested in are also being very cautious, the ones who are casual about it or would want to pressure me about it are really not for me!
Allie
My friends have been very upfront early on in chatting about COVID risk tolerance and plenty of guys bounce after finding that they’ll want to meet up masked and outdoors, which helps weed out bad matches quickly.
Ellen
You need to put those guys on pause/hold for the time being. There’s a pandemic, and they are out there doing stuff that is clearly exposing themselves to the virus! If they haven’t catched it yet, if they keep it up, they surely will, and you do not want them then spilling their viral loads on you. Once there is a vaccine and you take it, then you can begin to let your guard down and only then can you begin to have conventional s-x with them, but NOT before and not any kind of s-x that involves your mouth or respiratory system.
Ses
The covid restrictions are basically like a built-in marshmallow test. You’re getting to see how able your prospective date is able to delay gratification for long-term benefit, (or for social good), and that’s a nice fact to get early on.
Anonymous
Your analysis is spot on. I have this vision of a bunch of frat boys eating marshmallows like toddlers.
CountC
+1 none of the men I have spoken to or met up with in their mid/late 30s or early 40s have had an issue with meeting outside and wearing masks. It’s a dealbreaker for me!
Anonymous
Well, that’s a good way to weed out the dumb bros so you don’t waste your time on them.
anon
Ha yeah my 20-something daughter said the same thing. She hasn’t been out without a mask in six months and doesn’t go to bars or dine-in restaurant meals and a guy she was texting said the exact same thing – out to bars and restaurants, parties with friends and no mask as required in our area (which is now locked down and bars closed again today). She blocked him after that text.
Anon
I feel the same. I haven’t dined in a restaurant since this started, in what, Feb.? Not even one time. It is making dating hard, but I’m trying to look at it as a good screening technique. I don’t want to waste time on someone who doesn’t believe in following basic public health recommendations when my area is in a red zone.
Anon
I really enjoyed messaging and talking with a guy recently, until he suggested we go to his house for our first date. Ummm, what? Thank you, next!
Fiction types
Hive, help! I’ve tried answering my own question online but wasn’t successful. What is literary fiction? How does one tell if they are reading a literary fiction book as compared to genre fiction? For example, I just read The New Wildnerness by Diane Cook. Is that literary fiction? Knowing whether a book is literary fiction or genre fiction doesn’t affect whether I like it or not, so this is just something I’ve always wanted to understand.
Ribena
Hive, help! I’ve tried answering my own question online but wasn’t successful. What is literary fiction? How does one tell if they are reading a literary fiction book as compared to genre fiction? For example, I just read The New Wildnerness by Diane Cook. Is that literary fiction? Knowing whether a book is literary fiction or genre fiction doesn’t affect whether I like it or not, so this is just something I’ve always wanted to understand.
emeralds
I agree–a lot of this is down to marketing and framing.
emeralds
Oof, this is a tough one! For me, it’s kind of a “you know it when you see it” situation. I think the generally-accepted definition is that genre is more aimed towards entertainment, but literary pushes the stylistic envelope and is aimed at being “artistic,” whatever the hell that means? But there’s no hard, definitive line, and so many books exist in the space between literary and [insert whatever other genre here].
Cb
It is super tricky. I read mostly literary fiction but I’m not sure if I’d be able to define it by what it is rather than what it is not – thriller, fantasy, romance, mystery, etc.
Anon
+1
And sort of on this topic but OMG I just finished Severance by Ling Ma this morning with my coffee and… I am overwhelmed.
Cb
Ooh, I somehow missed this! Sounds just up my ally. I’m finishing Miss Iceland and it is a delight. I read Transcendent Kingdom last week and it was incredibly gorgeous. Completely different from Homegoing but quiet and reflective and beautiful.
Anon
All of those are on my list! SO MANY BOOKS!
pugsnbourbon
I really liked that book too!
Ses
+1 really liked that. Read it in January or February, which was a little weird with the emerging pandemic as background.
Anon
Reading it in the middle of the pandemic, in NYC, is… strange and terrifying.
anne-on
If you haven’t read it yet – Song for a New Day is in this genre and VERY prescient about how people react/chafe against restrictions put in place ‘for the public good’.
anne-on
Did you enjoy it? I found it overly thin (imo) and much preferred Station Eleven. Maybe my brain needs some time to re-adjust to more in-depth novels because I just finished Piranesi and was also sort of ‘meh’ on that as well.
Anon
I don’t normally read this type of dystopian fiction (the only similar thing I can think of that I’ve read is Gary Shteyngart’s Super Sad True Love Story), so I don’t have much to compare it to. I picked this up on a whim at a bookstore last weekend. I did enjoy it a lot, but I think reading it in the middle of the pandemic, in NYC, which is my hometown, was very influential in my assessment. I don’t really feel any strong need to read more of this kind of thing.
Senior Attorney
That book was amazing.
Anonymous
If a white man wrote it, it’s probably literary fiction.
Anon
I mostly read literary fiction, and I haven’t read any by a white man this year — I actually looked through my list the other day when a friend and I were discussing diversity in books and all the books I’ve read by white men in 2020 have been non-fiction (Secondhand by Adam Minter, Evicted by Matthew Desmond…).
Anon
I’ve noticed this too. Most of the literary fiction I read these days is written by women, but I read a decent amount of nonfiction, and almost all of it is written by men. I’ve also read a bunch of mysteries written by men, though I also read a lot written by women.
And to answer the OP’s question, I’d say The New Wilderness was literary fiction, though clearly at the intersection with dystopian science fiction. I usually go by something similar to Ribena, whether the plot is the main point of book, together with marketing and how the book looks (the cover sometimes CAN be helpful!).
Ribena
The cover is designed by a team of people to sell the contents to its intended audience! I think of it like perfume adverts.
Ribena
I barely read books by men honestly, sometimes I think I need to diversify my reading in that direction. Of the 61 books I’ve read so far this year only 3 had exclusively male author ships, plus one with a pair of mixed gender co-writers and one by a non binary writer who was brought up as a boy.
Cb
Eh, they’ve dominated literature for centuries, it’s fine!
Anon
Yes, I might diversify with “Dostoevsky” or “Joseph Conrad” or “Moliere” or “Sophocles,” but I definitely don’t feel a need to diversify among living authors.
anne-on
Ha. And true. I have been stepping back from books written by straight white men. The casual misogyny, sexism, racism, etc. was just too much in a year that’s already filled with all of that and more.
emeralds
I read Beartown recently and realized it’s the first book by a straight, cis white man that I’ve read in over a year. It was outstanding, I would wholeheartedly recommend it, and I have the sequel sitting on my nightstand…but overall I’d rather give my money & mental space to authors of different backgrounds.
Anon
Backman’s books are all outstanding. I highly recommend all of them, but I just read Anxious People and it was amazing.
emeralds
Yes, he was the rare super-hyped author who over-delivered on my expectations! I’ll definitely be working my way through his catalog :)
Anonymous
Hmmm. You learn something new everyday. I had no idea this distinction was a thing.
bookworm
I like literary fiction books when I do read them, but I’m never quite sure how to look for them, so thanks for this question! I think I just mean books with a more substantive or intense plot than others – kind of like what emeralds said
Ymanon
I think one of the major differences is references.
Literary fiction will often reference other literary fiction, so if you know a different work this will add to the one you are reading. The queen of references/meta is AS Byatt, where you may not «get» the books unless you are well read (in her preferred works).
Genre books can also reference or pay homage to a style or other works, but the references are perhaps more to the world (people, places, knowlwdge) than to other literary works. Genre books have «rules» that constraint form but still give freedom in the execution of the genre.
Sometimes a critic will say about genre book X that «X is not an ordinary…» «X is more than…» the genre, and these are often books with more literary ambitions that flaunts some of the genre «rules« (which in my opinion often translates to a less enjoyable genre book).
Literary books can also reference genre literature. A nice example is Murakami, who uses a lot of language and imagery and mood from the noir genre in crime/mystery.
all about eevee
If a lot of people enjoy a book, it is probably not literary fiction.
Senior Attorney
Haha right?
sdf
Agreed. I believe Dickens was considered a writer of trashy novels in his day. Now, probably because of declining levels of literacy, he’s literary fiction.
Sloan Sabbith
On the flip side, if it was nominated for the Man Booker prize, it is probably literary fiction.
Sloan Sabbith
Also, eevee, if you didn’t see it, I recommended a ton of books on your post yesterday!
all about eevee
I did! Thank you so much! I went on a Kindle spending spree last night and I am so excited to read all of them.
Senior Attorney
Such a great list! Thanks, Sloan!
Ellen
Honestly, I have read through all of the comments, carefully, and really don’t see (or care about) the difference. Fiction is fiction and nonfiction is nonfiction. To try an disect it further is really a waste of time and energy that in my mind is much better spent on other things, like learning to cook something, or exercising to trim our bodies during this holiday season. If this question was not asked, I am sure all of the productive energy of the hivettes would be better spent responding to something else. I listened to a book by Gloria Vanderbilt the other day, and it was fiction, but beyond that, I couldn’t care less what kind of fiction it was; genre or historical or allegorical, etc. When I took an English class, Professor Dunbar just said:
“If you like what you read, keep reading it. Otherwise, put it down and someone else will read it.”
I took his MANTRA to mean that each person has different tastes in reading and they are both right! Beyond this, I simply say FOOEY!
Anonymous
My hair has started to thin, mainly in the front. Any tips to stop the receding hairline? I have been dying the greys to a dark brown, if that matters.
Anonymous
Rogaine
Anon
I would want to determine if it’s hereditary or due to an endocrine or other health issue. Thinning hair at a relatively young age (if that is you) is not standard.
Anon
Unless it’s genetic.
Anon
Genetic doesn’t always mean “so there’s simply nothing that can be done about it” though.
Anon
I was commenting on the “it’s not standard” part.
Anon
I would have your thyroid tested, as well as your testosterone, DHEAS, and other sex hormones. If your androgens are high, it could be easily fixed by eating a lower carb diet. Alternatively, the thinning could be due to a med you are on, or even Botox and Retin A usage. You might want to start putting the Retin A an inch or so away from your hairline (it travels anyway) and stop getting the whole forehead Botoxed, at least for a while.
Anon
Hi, I posted awhile back that this had started happening to me. I was advised to go to the dermatologist, and I did. She recommended Rogaine, but also Nioxin shampoo and conditioner, and then told me to stop wearing headbands to the gym, as she said in some people sweat held to the skin for an extended period of time (via a hat or headband) can inflame hair follicles and cause hair to fall out. She advised me to not go more than two days without washing my (fine, straight) hair for similar reasons (and to wash my hair after exercising always) and also pointed out that clean hair has more volume and makes the thinning less obvious. I ditched the headbands and instead of Rogaine, started using Hair Serum from The Ordinary and my hair has substantially regrown (to the point that it’s a little annoying; I have three-inch baby hairs coming in all over my front scalp and taming them is an effort). My hair is still thinner than it used to be but I am no longer worried about looking bald under bright lights. I also started taking the Country Life Maxi-Hair supplement and a zinc supplement (I was already taking a multivitamin) and I think that’s helping.
Anon
Caution- Rogaine is toxic to cats. My sister and I both struggle with hereditary hair loss. Our brother and father are bald. We both used Rogaine for women until her cat got very sick. Her vet said it was because the Rogaine must have gotten on her pillow, and the cat licked or absorbed the Rogaine through that method of transmission. I also have a cat, so I stopped immediately.
I’m now using The Ordinary’s hair serum, and it seems to be working at regrowing baby hairs without the risk to my furbaby. I still have very fine hair, so it’s frustrating that you can see my scalp, but it isn’t as noticeable when I part my hair on the side.
Anonymous
We’d like to do some team building/something fun for the winter holidays at my essential place of work. Normally we’d have a party. There are over one hundred people with various shifts so something that can be shared and done independently would be great. Maybe crafting related? Thank you!
Anonymous
A gift card
Anonymous
My company did a pub trivia game night vis zoom for a conference—there are a few companies that put them on.
anon
I had to do something like this for work. While it sounded like a good idea, it was terrible and for the following reasons:
1. Some people just couldn’t figure out the technology or had internet issues at their own homes, which glitched them out of participating. It was frustrating for many.
2. MORE screen time. So over forced zoom calls being branded as mandatory “fun”. You want to give me a gift? Give me a few hours away from my screen during normal hours when people have childcare.
3. It was held in the same general time frame as a would-be party (starting at 4:30pm into the early evening). I couldn’t even begin to enjoy myself because all I could hear/focus on was the noise of home, including a tantruming toddler. I eventually just had to step away. Don’t make me do work things after hours when you can’t leave your home.
anne-on
My working mom’s group hosted a cooking class. At 5:30pm. Which is when my actual family uses the kitchen to, you know, eat. Great idea. Not great execution.
Anon
I recently had an evening Zoom board meeting. I’m the chair of the board but not the Zoom host so I have the un-fun job of messaging participants to mute (since I can’t control their mute). I realized we were having trouble hearing one participant when she talked. It sounded so much like a TV. I messaged her and said we were having trouble hearing her over the TV and if she could move away from it or turn it down. She replied that it wasn’t the TV but her loud kids. I felt so bad!
Aunt Jamesina
We’ve done periodic trivia nights that worked well, but I think it only works because:
-this is something we do (in person) regularly in Normal Times
-it is one million percent optional, so only people who are into it opt in
-it’s organized by a few employees who are super into trivia and do it for fun, not by some formal committee where you might worry about political fallout if you decide not to attend
Just say no to mandatory fun! I agree that $, a gift card, or time off is the way to go here.
Anon
My office has done this a few times during quarantine, but it’s 100% optional (with less than half of us participating each time. Truly optional).
We don’t use a company (government so no one is paying for our fun events), but a few coworkers volunteer to run it.
Cat
Honestly, money. Aside from the respect of my managers and peers, the thing that brings me the greatest holiday cheer from my office is bonuses.
Anon
People hardly want to do things like this in a normal year, they definitely don’t want to do it now.
Give the $ instead.
Anonymous
Definitely money or an additional day off.
anne-on
A small gift and either money or time off. Holiday themed mug and starbucks gift card? Wreaths people can grab and decorate and then post pictures of? Gingerbread house kit people can decorate and then vote for best/most hilarious disastrous? All of this paired with time off and money to spend as they wish.
A.
Can you give them all a gift card and time off, even if it’s leaving a shift 3 hours early? Something to the effect of, “We can’t have a party this year so here’s a card/time to celebrate on your own!” and have the gift card be for a place where they could get yummy food or drinks (I’m thinking a high-end grocery).
Diana Barry
+1, money and time off.
Anon
Please don’t make people craft. Give them time off and money.
curlsallday
typically I would take my direct reports out for a long lunch followed by the rest of the day off. Instead of scheduling more screen time, I’m buying them company branded jackets from our employee store (one of them still wears a fleece from her previous company so its not an unwanted gift).
Anonymous
Why not just get them Grub Hub or a Zingerman’s gift card? I feel like company branded things are nice for things like staffing an event but not really a true gift. And if you’re off on sizing for anyone (which you likely will be), they’re useless.
Anon
The Friday after the election, my office gave us an hour to attend a self-care type session they brought in, talk about why we do our work (nonprofit) in another meeting, or an hour to “do whatever makes you happy,” paid. I watched GBBO and timekept it as “Watched happy people bake.” My colleague watched the panda cam with her toddler.
So, this? Give people a day off, or a half day off, to not have to be in front of screens. Pay them. Maybe have some stuff they can do during that time (trivia, a fun class, whatever) but make it clear it’s only there if they want to engage with their colleagues.
Anonymous
I could use some help with how and when to discuss relationship exclusivity, and what to say. The situation has never quite come up for me before like this.
It’s only been a short time, but obviously these are abnormal times, and I guess I have a hard time with uncertainty overall. Because I don’t explicitly know where we stand, despite good outward signs, I feel a little insecure and timid (should I text him again or is it too much, would it be weird to call him, should I fully show what I feel or hold back a little, etc.). If things were official I’d feel more comfortable just going for it without fear of being rejected.
Some details: we met in mid-October, we’ve been on a date a week since then (~4 weeks, 5 dates, most of which have been like 24 hours long).
First date was outside and distant, second date he asked if he could kiss me and I said I hadn’t socialized with anyone closely or indoors due to Covid and was only comfortable doing so with him if he also wasn’t socializing with anyone else inside or in risky ways. He confirmed he wasn’t, so since then we have been spending time alone together inside/gardening regularly, and it’s going really well. (In normal times I’d assume that at this point he would/could be dating/sleeping with other women too, and that it would be expected for me to do the same in reverse. I don’t love this but that’s reality. But right now I think it’s unsafe to be physically dating more than one person at once and can’t accept it on either side.)
A week ago, he asked if I’d spend Thanksgiving weekend with him and his oldest friend at their house (just the friend, friend’s wife + kid, and the two of us). We exchange a few texts every day about what’s going on in our day or to share videos, often initiated by him, progressively a bit more texting each day.
I keep receiving online dating messages from new men and want to just ignore them and focus on him, but I don’t know what he is doing himself. I’d be sad to learn he was still chatting/video-dating because I really like him, and angry if he was going on real-life dates (due to Covid risk), but my guess is he’s not doing those things. Seems to clash with inviting me for Thanksgiving, well ahead of time. I was thinking maybe it’s best to live with the uncertainty until after the Thanksgiving weekend and then bring it up with him afterward if the weekend goes well as I’m sure it will…but I’m second guessing myself about what’s reasonable. Complicating matters is that it’s not like I have a rich social or dating life right now beyond him to provide other outlets. I just…really like him and want him to be my boyfriend.
Lily
Why are you “guessing” at whether he is dating other people and seeing them in-person? This is your health (physical as well as mental) we’re talking about! I’m sorry but you need to woman up here. Just ask him point-blank if he is seeing other people, and explain that you are not comfortable with that because of COVID. You can also explain that in normal times you would understand if he was dating other people since you haven’t made it exclusive, but that you are also interested in talking about exclusivity because you’re really enjoying getting to know him and would like to focus on that. That way, you are not shaming him if he has been communicating with other women virtually, but signaling that you want to be exclusive.
Cat
100% agree with this – and I’d do it before Thanksgiving.
Ellen
Yes, if you are gardening already, it must be exclusive. FOOEY on him if he is gardening with another woman.
Anon
+2 to all of this.
Kitten
+1
I would never ask a man to be my bf or be exclusive because I think he should do it, but I would 100% have a discussion regarding exclusivity for sexual health reasons. Adding COVID on top of that gives you an even better reason. I think he’s already there with you though :)
Anonymous
Girl! He told you he wasn’t seeing anyone else AND invited you to Thanksgiving! Dude likes you! Relax! If you want to talk about things formally, go for it. But it seems pretty clear that you’re on the same page so start living it. You want to text or call go for it!
Anonymous
Thanks. I *think* this is the case but I have been burned before so somehow feel extra cautious!
bookworm
If you’re going to Thanksgiving at his house, I would hope/think that he is not seeing other women. I’d ask, in any case. You can frame it in terms of COVID safety if you’d like.
Aunt Jamesina
This plus the fact that a close friend of his will be at Thanksgiving are pretty strong indicators that he wants to be exclusive and is into you. I would think that someone who wanted to date around wouldn’t bother introducing you to friends, let alone on a major holiday. But ask! You deserve to know.
Anonymous
Thanks. I agree and in a way I would be highly surprised if he is seeing other women, but what I don’t know is if it’s because of the pandemic situation or because he only wants to be seeing me. Maybe I am overthinking.
anon
Following with interest because I’m in almost this exact same situation. I’m kind of expecting a second lockdown to help push things into exclusive relationship territory.
Anonie
Disclaimer: My advice doesn’t align well with the “play it cool” school of dating, which I do admit can be useful in the very early stages of dating (i.e. the first couple weeks).
When I was single, I probably would have advised you to be patient and wait at least until after Thanksgiving to ask him about the relationship. However, since meeting my now-fiance, I’ve become a big believer that a guy who is a good match for you WILL NOT “get scared” or be turned off if you ask about hard things, including exclusivity and commitment. In fact, a guy who is right for you will welcome that conversation.
4 weeks isn’t that long but it’s also not that short, particularly if you are already sleeping together and seeing each other for 24-hours dates. I think it’s more than fair to ask him if he is seeing anyone else and to let him know that you’d like exclusivity and to work towards something serious. In fact, him responding badly to that conversation would be a red flag (or least a very bright orange one). If you crave an exclusive, serious relationship and he doesn’t…you need to know that sooner rather than later so you can cut your losses.
I will say that I think it’s very promising that he has invited you to share his Thanksgiving plans :) I hope the conservation goes beautifully and that you are on your way to a wonderful relationship!
Anonymous
Thanks, Anonie. yeah I was pretty happy that he invited me for Thanksgiving, felt like a really nice sign. :)
emeralds
+1 to this in normal times, even more emphatic +1 in covid times. I know it’s hard to have that conversation and I know it’s scary! But you need to say the words. You don’t want someone who’s going to get scared or bolt at a hard conversation.
(FWIW, I very nervously asked my now-husband if we could be exclusive somewhere around the six-week mark. He blinked at me in confusion and said he’d been calling me his girlfriend to his friends and family for the last two weeks.)
ELS
Emeralds, I find this story about your husband absolutely adorable.
And FWIW: As a woman also trying to date in these weird pandemic times, I agree with Annie’s advice. I’m up front about what my expectations are for my physical safety. In non-COVID times, I’m glad to let things develop more slowly. But the reality is, if I’m seeing you regularly now, and we’re spending indoor, unmasked time together? I want to be sure that I’m safe in doing so.
Anonymous – this all sounds lovely and wonderful, and I hope the conversation goes well. I’d expect that he’s equally smitten with you, and I wish you so much happiness.
Anon
+1. My now-husband asked about exclusivity after 3 dates and copious conversations. I was gun-shy but the connection was enough that I wanted to see where it went, so I told him that with my words. (“Committment scares me, but I do want to see where this connection leads, and I’m willing to be exclusive while we figure that out.”) The fact that we were both able to be open and honest with each other and rationally talk through our thoughts – that ended up being a big sign that we were a good fit.
Anon
I really, really, really do NOT want to sound “smug married,” because my dating experiences were completely horrible…
…that said, I never even asked my husband if we were exclusive. I considered it, then realised that he’s the kind of person who dates exclusively or not at all.
DCJ
Paging Sloan Sabbith: THANK YOU for taking the time to post the list of book recommendations on yesterday’s PM thread. I just went on a kindle binge and downloaded many of them – they look super fun. Much appreciated!
Anonymous
This was a fun thread! My waitlists at both libraries I belong to are now totally full.
Abby
same here! I hit my max with that thread, now I have a sticky note on my desk for books to add when I get the space (:
ollie
Yes, thank you Sloan! Just went back and added a bunch to my Overdrive hold list.
all about eevee
Yes, this was my thread and I downloaded a bunch of the books mentioned in all the comments. Thank you, Sloan!
Also, I am a woman and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with reading books marketed to women.
Sloan Sabbith
Welcome! I love recommending books. My favorite subreddits are “suggestmeabook” and “booksthatfeellikethis.”
Also, another shout out to Modern Mrs. Darcy: best book blog ever. Most of my recommendations come from her!!!!
still not April Whittier
Two things! First: I posted a bit ago about not wanting to share my laptop with my husband, in part because I write steamy romance novels. I’m happy to report that he has taken possession of my old laptop, and apologized for not having realized on his own that it bothered me when he used my current laptop. Using your words: sometimes it’s helpful!
Second: Any ideas for quarantine-friendly ways to celebrate the fact that I just received an offer of representation from a literary agent for my first novel?! (Preferably not boozy ones–my anxiety has been acting up recently and alcohol makes it worse.)
pugsnbourbon
Congrats!
Is there a type of jewelry you like? For me it’s earrings, and I always have my eye on a couple pairs. Either they go on a gift list or I eventually gift them to myself :)
Another idea would be some luxe WFH wear (write-from-home).
OP
I love rings! None of the ones I have my eye on are in my price range at the moment, but maybe one can be my gift for myself if the book actually sells.
bookworm
Oh awesome! I asked around here and will be buying myself a lo and sons wallet for a somewhat similar occasion. Is there a particular dessert or other special food you can order – like buying an ice cream cake for yourself, if that’s your thing.
OP
Congrats on whatever occasion you’re celebrating yourself!
I think I’m going to get myself some fancy shrubs, to upgrade my mocktail game. Not sure if that counts as a special food, but it’s what I’m going with!
Anonie
I was one who was confused that you wanted to keep your writing so private from your spouse, but it clicks for me WAY more now that I realize you are an aspiring professional writer.
What wonderful news that you have an agent! Truly, that’s huge. As someone who majored in creative writing, goes through spurts of taking community writing classes, and tends to let the habit fall by the wayside in favor of strictly business writing, I envy your commitment and diligence. That is HUGE.
As for presents, I agree with the recommendations above. Rhodes Resort Wear is making gorgeous (and super pricey) WFH wear that could be a good splurge. They are also a women-owned company.
Another idea could be ordering in a fancy-pants meal from somewhere pricey in town and getting, say, the most expensive cut of steak or a lobster dish you normally wouldn’t splurge for. You could enjoy it solo or set your dining room table for a fancy meal with your husband.
Aunt Jamesina
I do zero professional writing and I still absolutely hate sharing my laptop!
Anonie
Haha yeah I was clearly the odd one out :)
OP
Thanks so much for the kind words! After what sounds like a somewhat similar trajectory to you, I had a come-to-Jesus conversation with myself in 2018 about whether my actions (dabbling when I felt inspired, never finishing anything, going months without writing) were in alignment with my goals for myself (finishing a novel). I cleaned up my act and have written almost every day since then, even if it’s only been for 20 minutes. It’s been a lifeline during the quarantine.
I think we’re going to get some really fancy takeout for Friday night, and do the whole candles-and-tablecloth thing!
Vicky Austin
Congratulations!!!
OP
Thank you! I’m still trying to get my head wrapped around it, to be honest!
Ribena
Congratulations!!! When that time comes for me I will probably celebrate by making a huge order from my local bookstore.
OP
That makes total sense, and good luck with your writing journey! Feel free to post if you ever want any tips or resources about going through the querying process–I had kind of a mind-warping experience in that I submitted six queries and got my offer within a week of sending out the first one, but I do think it was a “luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity” situation. I got an opportunity because I had a referral to contact the agent directly and my manuscript happened to fit a specific niche they were actively trying to fill in their list…but I was also prepared to pounce on it with the best materials I could put together, and they said that based on my submission packet alone they could tell I was someone who executed things to a high standard and knew how to take feedback.
Nesprin
An art/piece of decor you’ve been craving? An empty frame for the cover of your book when it comes in?
OP
This is a great idea, you’d better believe that cover is going on my wall if and when the book sells!
Anonymous
I have mixed feelings on Christmas gift giving and end up having the same thoughts each year but never changing things up. I love receiving thoughtful gifts, and putting time into finding gifts people will like, but part of me always thinks as adults it’s a waste of time and we should just save money and buy what we want. We don’t buy for many people, we each have a married sibling and spend around £50 per couple, plus £50 on each of our parents and maybe £100 on each other. So in the grand scheme of things I don’t feel like we buy a lot compared to some people, but I always wonder if we should just try and start a no gifts policy. But then I remember I like getting gifts!
Anonymous
Why are you making trouble for yourself? You like giving gifts! You like receiving gifts! You give to a manageable sized group within your budget! You do not actually have any gift giving problems.
Anonie
Agreed! You are unnecessarily borrowing trouble. And no judgement…I do the same more often than I should :)
Cat
Sounds like you’re trying to repress your inner, extremely logical, economist – but don’t forget the value of the fun of giving and receiving :)
Anonymous
I think you’re also discounting the emotional impact of gifts. A friend sent me an unexpected birthday gift I wouldn’t have thought to buy myself this year. I use it weekly, and always feel the warmth of friendship and being thought of. Your gift giving is reasonable, just enjoy it!
Anonymous
We buy for each other (nothing major, just to have something to open), our parents, our nieces and nephews. We don’t exchange adult gifts with my BIL, we just give to his kids which is what all the adults wanted. We do exchange adult gifts with my sister and her DH because she wanted to continue when I raised it. Honestly, I usually just do chocolates or booze plus a giftcard for each of them because I think it’s a bit silly. Also give gifts to my BFF’s kids as her kids are super close with my kids and basically cousins because neither has local cousins.
Anon
If you like giving and receiving gifts and you have the means to do so, why wouldn’t you keep exchanging gifts with family?
Anonymous
This. OP, I know we’ve had discussions here about wanting to get out of gift-giving and how it’s a burden, but it’s fine and nice to enjoy giving and receiving gifts! Do what works for you.
pugsnbourbon
Gifting has deep roots in many cultures. It sounds like you are great at giving gifts and you like it, so carry on!
aBr
We’ve split on no-gifting v. gifting with different parts of the family. For people that we just ended up exchanging similar gift cards, year after year, we stopped gift giving. Each year it started to feel perfunctory and more evidence that we don’t know each other. For people that we both worked to exchange more thoughtful gifts (e.g., I noticed you have a ton nutcrackers on your tree, here is one that I thought of you), we’ve kept the gift giving – mostly because they are people that you would buy the gift for them regardless. What did really help is that we switch the big extended family meal (pre-COVID), was switching to white elephant gifts. They are at least hilarious along with the stealing.
Anon
I exchange gifts with my two adult sisters. Our limit is $75 (though we often go over). I usually receive exactly what is on my list.
Sometimes I think it’s stupid and that we should give it up and go out and buy ourselves whatever we wanted in the first place. But what keeps me doing it is this:
My one sister that I have a more strained relationship with is married to a guy she says she loves but he seems like a terrible husband in most ways. One of the ways is that he is terrible about gift giving. He will sometimes not give her a gift. Sometimes if he does it’s something from the clearance rack with the tag still on, no relation to what she would actually like, but something he thought was a good deal. Still in the Walmart bag most of the time.
One year she had a rare moment of openness with me and told me my gift was by far the nicest thing she received that year. So now I happily buy the things on her list and usually throw in something extra indulgent, like Creme de Corps body butter from Kiehls, because I know when I’m doing it that it may be the only thing wrapped and under the tree for her.
Patricia Gardiner
Help! How do you clean the gasket of a front loading washer? Ours is beyond gross. I have tried cleaning with vinegar, baking soda, and a mold/mildew product; minimal if any difference. We leave the door open but it has still built up a smelly scum. Or can I just replace the gasket?
Cb
I think you can replace the gasket, but I’d worry about DIYing it. One thing that I’ve found helpful is wiping it out after loads and using a laundry lasso.
Anonymous
What is a laundry lasso?
Cb
It’s a ridiculous as seen on tv thing, but it honestly works. Just a band with fastening that keeps your washer door wide open.
Anon
Do you clean the washer regularly, as recommended? I dry the bottom of the gasket where water collects when I finish my last laundry load, keep the door open at all times, and clean once a month on the “clean” setting and have never had problems. Front loaders are notorious for developing smells and gasket issues if one is not scrupulous in doing this. My sister refuses to own one, because she knows that her household will never follow the system. I live alone and have a laundry room that is perfect for leaving the washer door wide open, so it is manageable for me. I am pretty sure you could replace the gasket, but if the whole system sounds like too much work, I would replace with a top loader instead.
Anon
We have one, it’s kinda gross but you have to really lean in to smell anything and none of the smells transfer to our clothes (the clothes don’t touch the stinky part) so I don’t worry about it.
Anon
GoCleanCo on instagram has a whole story highlight about this.
Anon
One gallon hot, hot water, a tablespoon of powdered tide, and a 1/3 cup of bleach is what I recommend for this. You can also try straight bleach. GoCleanCo is the master at this, so if you are on Instagram, check them out!
Bleach, Pray, Love
Check out go clean co on Instagram, they have a saved story “Washing Machine” (don’t watch if you’re eating or about to eat). The mold that is there is real and gross and you need to bleach it.
Anon
A head’s up about GoCleanCo – she is a qanon follower
Anon
Ahhh! Is this true? How do you know?! This is very very sad to me.
Anon
Huge bummer. A while ago when she first became popular, people noticed she was following qanon hashtags from her business account. Someone called it out and she responded, “I forgot you guys can see who I follow. Let’s just say I don’t always trust the media, LOL.”
HangryJo
Ugh this makes me so so so sad.
Anon
Honestly I also think some of her advice is just bad. Don’t wash your hardwood floors with powdered Tide!!
Patricia Gardiner
Thank you! Will give it another go. Sadly we are not scrupulous enough about wiping it every time and doing the sanitize cycles (but does that get the gasket or just the inside?). Will try the bleach mix and check out the story (with a grain of salt…).
Anonymous
Gift ideas for a hard to buy for dad? He’s a private pilot with his own small plane. Doesn’t drink coffee, bbq, golf, or do any other typical dad stuff. I’ve been relying on beer and snacks for the last few gifts and would like to mix it up. Previous gifts that have been a hit are a weather station, drone, hat with his N number on it. Not looking to spend more than $50. All of the grandparent picture things seem kind of cheesy or are stuff that he would never use. Any ideas much appreciated!
Digby
Gift card to Sporty’s Pilot Shop?
Digby
Does he like to read about flying? Offhand, “Zero Three Bravo”- don’t remember the author’s name; or “Aloft” or “Fly By Wire” by William Langewiesche.
Lilliet
Is he a history buff? Marina Amaral colorizes historical photographs, her book “The Colour of Time” is a fun spin that my history buff dad really enjoyed.
pugsnbourbon
Not OP but thank you for this rec, this is perfect for my dad.
Anon
Get a Storm Cloud weather predictor and a Flight Crew luggage tag to put on his flight bag. Search “Airline Secure Crew Bag Tag – Embroidered” to see what I mean.
Other options if he has a space to decorate: A wooden propeller, a sign with the phonetic alphabet, or an aviation sectional map of a place special to him (like his childhood home or his current house or his favorite flying destination).
Anonymous
Thanks all! These are great and have given me some good ideas.
kk
Books? I get my dad new Erik Larson books when available- he loves those. I also got him subscriptions to The Atlantic and The Economist, and he really likes the lululemon henley shirts – the mens equivalent of the run swiftly (I know this is more than $50 but it was a surprisingly big hit around here)
I’d also consider something delicious from Goldbelly- is there a regional food that he loves? I’d be so happy to receive a Pat’s cheesesteak or a Lou Malnati pizza.
kk
oh also check out Tom Bihn- the $32 clear 3d packing cube is really great for organizing stuff. I use one for cords and plugs, another for liquids when I travel. Their organizing tools, tote bags, and other gadgets are really great
Anonymous
There is a site that does artsy posters of specific airport runway map layouts. They were a huge hit with my av geek friends. Pick a city that’s sentimental to them and frame it!
Anonymous
Got my dad a phone soap (phone sanitizer, can also be used for other things), and he loves it.
Anon
My company (not a law firm), was WFH as a result of COVID from March until June. We’re a small office, only about 10 people, and while most of us would have preferred to continue work from home, our boss wanted us back in the office. Our state has had a big spike in the last few weeks, and our governor has made it clear that he has no plans to put stay-at-home orders in place. I feel nervous being in the office, and yesterday, very carefully brought it up to my boss. I was met with a very defensive reaction, including “How is coming in here any different than going to the grocery store?” My boss is very controlling, and for me, this was a breaking point – I’m in job search mode. However, do we, as employees, have any recourse? I feel so frustrated that I’m risking exposure every day and that she’s so comfortable risking our health :(.
Anonymous
Merely being in an office with few people just doesn’t seem that risky. Especially if you aren’t on transit. What am I missing? Is it accepting any risk?
Anon
Being in person all day long is way riskier than a quick jaunt through the grocery store. Particularly as you are touching everything. You are also exposed to all of the people those 10 people are exposed to.
OP – I’d read your state guidance. It might have a recommendation that those able to work from home be allowed to do so. You can also point out that cases are higher now than before so it makes more sense to be home now than previously.
Anon
Depends on how big the office is and how it is set up. Ten people in one room would be terrible.
The biggest issue I have is that it is completely unnecessary risk; there is a simple alternative that works just as well. This isn’t like asking people to eat dried beans for ten months, not have their parents at their wedding ceremony, or even not exercise outdoors. However you fall on those issues, there are not good alternatives to fresh food, once in a lifetime events, and exercise (esp. with gyms closed). There is a really good alternative to going into the office to do your “job that can be done remotely” job: do your job remotely.
Anonymous
Exactly this. That’s what’s so grating for many of us – there is a safe, effective, and productive alternative that may actually make some people happier too, but so many bad bosses refuse to see it.
Anon
depends if the people are masked. DH’s company is open floor plan and his boss doesnt think having people wear masks while sitting at their desks or at the coffee machine is necessary.
anon
doesn’t sound like your state would do this, but CA has opened an avenue for employees that catch covid at work (I don’t know in detail how you would prove that) to file a workers comp claim.
Anonymous
I’m sorry, this is BS. The CDC released data showing that people who contracted COVID were roughly twice as likely to work in an office compared to working from home. This makes perfect sense to me since it’s 8+ hours indoors every single day, which is not comparable to the time I spend in the grocery store.
anon
I also read about a study somewhere showing that the people most likely to catch covid at the grocery store are the employees, who share the air for hours, not the customers who just spend a small amount of time there.
pugsnbourbon
I know that AAM would recommend pushing back as a group. I’d do that if possible, and include the CDC report mentioned at 10:54.
LaurenB
Because you spend 15 minutes in a grocery store but 8 hours in an office? I mean, duh that he doesn’t know the difference.
Anonymous
Uh because I don’t go to the grocery store for 8 hours a day. I’m also constantly moving at the store, not having the same person breathing on me for 8 straight hours. I go to a grocery store for 40 min max, once every 2-3 weeks and I time it so it’s at like 8 am or earlier when it’s really just a handful of people in the store. How did you not say that??
Anonie
I am so sorry you are in this situation and I feel VERY grateful to be able to work from home, as it allows me to feel safer with monthly visits to see a new baby in my family, etc. However, my fiance’s company would look at him like he’d grown a 3rd head if he tried to push to work from home. We live in the southeast in a blue city but deeply red state. Much of this may be more regional than some people commenting realize. Also, this can be industry specific. I work in healthcare communications, so my company is deeply invested in keeping non-essential employees like myself at home so we don’t expose our folks at the front line. My fiance’s company produces tangible items, which influences their “tush in chair” mentality because these items have to be picked up, counted, manufactured, sold, delivered…all of which sadly require human hands.
As well-meaning as I think these commentors are, I think it could come across as extremely naive to push for such a huge cultural change at your place of employment. Maybe you can risk it if you have a TON of capital to use, but I honestly think my fiance would be fired if he tried to follow any of these suggestions here (and he is a valued and liked employee).
I am sorry you (and he) are in this situation, but so are many people I know in the southeast. My recommendation is to focus on keeping yourself as safe as humanly possible when you’re in the office. Double up your masks if you want. Sanitize often. Bring in your own beverages instead of drinking from the communal water cooler and coffee maker. Drink said beverages with a straw so you don’t have to remove your mask while consuming them. Email or call colleagues across the hall instead of walking over to their desks. Come in early so you can avoid overlapping schedules with people. And, of course, keep applying for other jobs.
LaurenB
“However, my fiance’s company would look at him like he’d grown a 3rd head if he tried to push to work from home. We live in the southeast in a blue city but deeply red state. Much of this may be more regional than some people commenting realize. ”
No, trust us, we are all more than painfully aware of how the (so-called) leadership in red states approaches Covid.
Anonie
Ha that’s fair!
I was just trying to point out that the OP should consider her environment before doing anything that could risk her job (assuming she wants and needs to keep it until she finds new employment).
Anonymous
This — DH works where they sell a thing and repair a thing and you can’t do either remotely.
Anonie
Solidarity elbow pump :)
Anon
I know it doesn’t provide immediate relief, but in most states, there are protections for being fired for complaining about your working conditions.
Anonie
Their staff was considered “essential” through some loophole and had to work at the office even during March lockdowns, so I doubt this applies here. Thank you though.
Anonymous
I share your frustration. I wish my state’s governor would issue orders (instead of useless guidance) that anyone who can WFH must. It’s totally ridiculous that they’re telling us we shouldn’t see our families for Thanksgiving, but they’re not going to push back on employers who are pressuring employees to come to the office when they could wfh just as well.
anon
I haven’t used a public restroom since March except at the hospital when I have no other choice (there for cancer visits/treatment). I would push back on that basis alone, unless you have a private, personal restroom. I normally use the restroom at work at least four times in eight hours – that’s a lot of time. I thought it was weird but read in the NYTimes that flushing solid waste can fling covid aerosols (ewww) and potentially spread infection.
Jess
I would try a doctor’s note saying you need reasonable ADA accommodations.
Caveat: I don’t have any firsthand knowledge, but this is the strategy my Dad was going to pursue so he could teach online rather than in person.
If HR fails you, I’d probably go to an employment lawyer and have them write a nicely worded letter on letter-head.
Anon
I wrapped up a busy period at work last week, and just started wfh for the first time. Busy periods and wfh adjustments aside, work is not going well and I’m likely not staying much longer. My city goes back to lockdown this week and will remain locked down at least until the new year. It’s dark and gloomy and my anxiety is higher than normal. A lot of things I look forward to are, understandably, but sadly, off the table this year.
I was hoping to get myself almost a care package of sorts as a pick me up. I don’t need much, but kind of want to do a fun little gift box or something for myself.
Any ideas?
Anonymous
Individual items: Warm socks, a string of white lights to decorate INDOORS (hang around a window or doorway), your favorite hot beverage, insulated mug …
Gift box: an assortment of Recchiuti boxed chocolates
Hildy J.
…or candles
pugsnbourbon
My preferred form of retail therapy is putting together a random order at TJMaxx online. Shipping takes a while so there are a few items I forget and it’s a nice surprise.
Otherwise, there are so many subscription boxes now! Ipsy, Birchbox, Fab Fit Fun are forever popping up in my targeted ads. We got an international snack box one year that was a hit.
Anon
You definitely need a pick me up! Do you have a farmers market that could deliver a box of food to you? Or order some treats from Goldbelly? Maybe a subscription box like Fab Fit Fun, or one of those speciality advent calendars so that you have a small treat each day? I just got a few of the Bonne Maman advent calendars filled with jelly and honey to give as gifts ($40 at worldmarket website). Hope you find something you like and keep your head up!
Koshka
Look into the subscription boxes. I know Amazon has some and a regular little pick me up may be just the thing
Anon
The Resy cookie box goes on sale 12/1. You should be able to find it if you google it. Looks so good!
Anonymous
I’ve decided I want to make 2021 the year of reading frequently banned books. My goal is to always be able to use my own critical thinking ability to interpret a text rather than relying on popular articles to do it for me. What are your favorites? I have already read some of the high school classics, like Huckleberry Finn and To Kill a Mockingbird, as well as some popular classics like Harry Potter, but I’m also open to rereads.
Marie
Fahrenheit 451 seems very appropriate for this both thematically and because it has been banned in the past (irony, much?).
Other books that come to mind that I believe have been banned at some point or another: A Wrinkle in Time, Handmaids Tale, Brave New World, and The Outsiders.
Anonymous
Satanic Verses
pugsnbourbon
Banned Books Week put out this list for 2020: https://bannedbooksweek.org/about/ and the American Library Association has lists of the top 10 most challenged books over the last few years: http://www.ala.org/advocacy/bbooks/frequentlychallengedbooks/top10
Anonymous
Ah, perfect!! Thank you!
anon
I just scrolled ALA’s top-100 list of most banned and challenged books. Beloved, The Bluest Eye, The Color Purple, The Kite Runner, House of the Spirits, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, and Bless Me, Ultima are all great.
Anonymous
Lolita. Not sure if banned but controversial.
Ribena
I just flicked back to yesterday’s PM post to see Sloan’s book list – it looks so good!
I saw that someone had posted that hey weren’t feeling good about licking envelopes this year, so I wanted to pass on what I do, because I’ve never been great at it (weird childhood fear about papercuts) – I have a drawerful of fun washi tapes and I just use that to stick down the envelope flat. Sometimes a return address sticker too.
Anonymous
You can buy envelopes with a strip of tape on them already.
Vicky Austin
I love self-sealing envelopes (my time as secretary of a few student orgs in college rears its head).
Ribena
Me too! But the envelopes that come with Christmas cards and my cute letter paper tend not to be self sealing and this way I get to use fun washi tape!
Anon
Yes, thank you Sloan for that list. So many things I want to read on there!
Cat
Even in normal times I just use a damp washcloth and slide each envelope over that!
George Costanza's fiancé
Yes, do this!
Anon
Or a little piece of (new, clean) sponge.
Senior Attorney
These things totally work: https://www.staples.com/Staples-Envelope-Moistener/product_160788
Anon
When I had to hand in my absentee ballot at the town clerk, I had to seal it in front of him and it seemed SO WEIRD to lift my mask, lick something (!!) and then hand it back to him during a pandemic. They were not allowed to seal with tape. When I said something about it, he said I made a good point and was the first to note it. I was less worried about me licking it and more worried about him touching it after I licked it. I hope they put a wet sponge out or something after that.
anon
For years I have used something similar to https://www.envelopes.com/envelopes/accessories/envelope-moistener-clear?utm_campaign=Shopping&gclid=Cj0KCQiAhs79BRD0ARIsAC6XpaXuDQ9O-6Udj-7tkRGNC9MSt_hCs_z9ja2Acn2T9XjEoW4O3ls2GkoaAgf5EALw_wcB for envelope sealing. It’s the best thing.
Aunt Jamesina
Why do they even sell things like this? No need to buy anything, just use a damp rag or sponge!
Anon
They’re for office settings and they are much easier and faster to use than a sponge. If you’ve ever had to seal hundreds and hundreds of envelopes, you would get the appeal.
Horse Crazy
In my office, you would have to go outside, down the hall, and into the bathroom every time you needed to seal an envelope. So that’s a good reason to have one of these.
LaurenB
You can use a sponge dipped in water to seal envelopes instead of licking them. That’s what people do who are addressing tons of envelopes (such as a wedding in the before times).
Anon
You can buy the stick with a sponge thing that is so much easier than tape or licking.
Anon
https://www.amazon.com/Officemate-Pencil-Moistener-Sponge-97802/dp/B000Q62DDA/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=envelope+sponge&qid=1605635010&sr=8-2
Anon
Glue stick, recommended to me by a stationery vendor. works amazingly well and very easy.
Back to school?
College and other people — are your schools reopening in January? February? Something else? I know that most schools have cancelled spring break, but I’m wondering if any are officially delaying their start due to cases spiking now (and that’s without all of the nonsense that will likely happen over the next 1.5 months).
Our local K-12 schools are phased to start in-person in January (after kicking the can down the road all fall), which strikes me as really, really not thinking things through now that things here are worse than in August or October or whenever. It’s like they felt the political heat and decided to reopen (which I think they could have done cautiously much earlier, which would have salvaged a lot of goodwill if they did have to close down later). So maybe they will be nimble in planning and updating, but I have really lost faith.
Today, the decision we have to make for our kid (12) is:
— go 1 week on, 2 weeks off, starting the first weekday after New Year’s Day
— if going, so we drive each way, the 5 days she is there or let her take a distanced bus (will be cold; not sure they’d have their act together to drive with even any windows cracked)
— do we go remote (in which case she has to be remote for the whole rest of the year)
I am thinking to opt for school and the bus, figuring if it does get safe enough for school, the bus is more distanced (it is a county school system, so not a lot of kids on any particular bus, and they are all the very large ones, no economies of scale) than the classroom and it helps us on our perpetual WFH nightmare (and dealing with a younger child not at school or daycare). And if it is too dangerous to go (whatever that means), we can just keep kid home if the school system doesn’t further update its plans. It might salvage some in-person learning (which my kid really needs — zoom school 7 hours a day is not working).
I just don’t know — if ever I needed to be psychic, now would be the time.
Anon
If it’s not a horrible imposition I would pick in-person but drive her instead of the bus. That limits the number of kids she’s exposed to (assuming they stay in classrooms once at school) but still allows for the benefits of in-person school as much as possible.
My elementary kids were in-person for two months earlier this school year and the impact on their mental health (and the general atmosphere of our entire household) was immeasurable. Zoom kindergarten most definitely does not work, but also elementary school in general is really difficult over Zoom. Now that we’re back to virtual and the in-person changes have faded away, I’m really concerned about the kids getting anything out of this school year until the Spring (when we presumably go back in person).
A.
Hello! Private school admin here. Agree that planning to start in person in January does not seem feasible, but to give you some (more, sorry) things to consider:
– Are masks on the bus required? Will they have assigned seating, every other row or similar? Temp or other health check before boarding/coming to school? If so, I would feel OK with bus. Length of bus ride would also be a consideration. At the same time, if you’re able to drive her it does reduce exposure.
– Schools and children are not shown to be superspreader areas/people (I’m looking at you, bars, restaurants, and gyms!). There is much science around this. I work in a school and we’ve been in person (with pockets of quarantine here and there for exposed people or classrooms) since mid-August. Our positivity rate (in our school) is 1.6% for students, with no in-school spread; all of those cases were contracted from an adult at home/in life (not at school). We mask all day, socially distance in classrooms, clean like crazy, minimize movement/transition from one space to another, and silo individual classes — basically almost everything you can do to stop the spread in this environment.
So I would consider the protocols your child’s school has in place as I make this decision…
Anonymous
OP here:
– kids are supposed to be 1 per seat and this seems to be do-able, also masked
– parents are supposed to fill out a form re COVID symptoms and give to the bus driver at the beginning of every week (we can do this, but it is a large urban school system and I think that is a crazy expectation for many households)
– they temp check before getting in the building for bus riders
– for car riders, you do an app re COVID symptoms (to show a green check to staff when you arrive) and they temp-check kid before kid gets in to building
The drive would tie me up until 10am weekdays of school and then again starting at 3:30-5 (school was picked over a year ago based on the premise that kiddo would ride the bus both ways), so some workday impact (offset by benefits of school and also having this be one week of every 3, hopefully not forever, but more disruptive than some summer camps).
A.
I’d drive them to minimize risk since it’s only 1/3 weeks. Can you do conference calls or other phone work in the car while you drive to and from?
Anonymous
Ha!
I really try to model no-phone when driving due to older kiddo driving in 3 years. It’s urban driving with a lot of construction variables and pedestrians in places, then an interstate, then a long line of creeping carpool cars.
It’s very good for catching up on your head space.
Anon
i work at a college. Classes have been hybrid this whole time and are ending this Friday. Students living on-campus are allowed to remain through the end of finals, but are not allowed to travel home for Thanksgiving and then return to study for finals. All final exams are being done virtually. Classes resume January 25th, with a phased move-in started about 10 days prior so that people can distance throughout the move-in process. All students are given a rapid test before they are allowed to move into their dorm room, and if it tests positive, they have to go to the isolation dorm for quarantining. The rapid test is also followed up with a PCR test for all students and we have contracts with hospitals, so the results are typically available within 24 hours. If a student then tests positive (i believe there were 0 instances of this in the fall), the student will then go to the isolation dorm and any student he/she has come into contact with during that period will quarantine. Spring break is canceled. Instead, students get 5 random days off throughout the semester. overall the students have been really good about following the rules, though some fatigue is definitely setting in.
Anon
It does not matter if a college says now that it will be returning in January. I am on the inside; these decisions are being made and adjusted and readjusted in close to real time. Whatever is said today is clearly subject to change in response to evolving .
Cb
UK university, we are formally hybrid and doing some sort of Dunkirk style evacuation of students back to their families in December. Supposedly we’ll be on the same model for term 2 but honestly, who knows by then?
Anonymous
My elem schoolers are hybrid in person (2 full days/week). They take the bus. There are 13 kids total on the bus, including 3 sets of siblings. So 7 families. They are very spaced apart and they ALL *always* follow the rules (according to both my kids as well as the bus driver). They are masked and windows are often open.
Since your kid is middle school, id gauge their overall ability to follow rules. In our town, middle/high schoolers are the issue on busses.
How well is your kid doing remote? Would s/he benefit from in person time with teachers and peers?
Our town’s remote only option is (from what I hear) excellent for mainstream kids.
Anonymous
So Thanksgiving — are you traveling or gathering? If yes what precautions are you taking if any?
all about eevee
We are going to light a fire in our fire pit and try to eat on the deck. We’ll see how it goes.
Anonymous
No travel, no gathering. Not only is it unsafe right now and against the guidance of my state, I need my two days off to be relaxing. I don’t want to think about distancing and masking and did I touch my face and when was the last time I sanitized and why is my dad’s mask dangling off his ear again…I just want to enjoy the time with my husband, enjoy a nice FaceTime with family, and do my bit to help us get back to normal in the future.
Curious
No travel, no gathering. Me and my husband. We will probably do a string of video calls with other people cooking at home.
My sister, who is not seeing anyone else, will drive 30 min to see my mom.
Curious
Adding — I’m not local to my folks. 1,500 nurses in WA state took out a full page cover ad in the Seattle Times asking us to just stay home and not gather to avoid overwhelming the hospitals. We had already planned to not gather, but that really hit it home for me.
Anonymous
I saw a hard post from a pulmonary ICU physician too – saying how hard it was to call the parents of a young woman dying of COVID and to tell them that their daughter likely wasn’t going to make it, then having to drive home each day and see packed bars and restaurants on the way instead of seeing even a homemade sign of gratitude for health care workers. It’s really rough right now.
Anon
Meanwhile, country friends of mine are posting, “God didn’t create us to live in fear.” Yall, 1) pretty sure that saying isn’t about communicable diseases and 2) God did give us brains.
A friend of mine had a baby shower this past weekend and a guest flew in from Alaska and another friend’s kids had a middle school dance. What?! AYFKM? I can hardly wrap my mind around this.
Aunt Jamesina
So, so sick of this “I’m not living in fear” bullsh!t attitude. Then why bother wearing a seatbelt? Or putting knives and matches out of the reach of small children? Or looking before you cross the street? Are you living in fear every time you take a simple precaution? SO. DUMB.
Anonymous
Aunt Jamesina, I honestly believe that those people actually are very dumb, like very low intellect. I can’t think of a single other explanation that makes any sense.
Curious
I assume these are the same people who live in fear of Democrat mayors and their “deadly” cities.
Curious
Anonymous — it’s also what information you have access to. A lot of people are information-poor, and pandemic anxiety and political polarization are making it hard to just talk past the emotional reaction. I assume if you have to state you won’t live in fear, you are afraid. I don’t know — I have anger and empathy both.
Anonymous
I agree, Curious, but at some point, enough is enough. If you are too challenged to understand that your wacko uncle’s rantings on Facebook are less reliable than epidemiologists and health care providers who are literally begging you to wear a small piece of cloth on your face, then I’m sorry, you are probably beyond help. It is the tiniest thing in the world to wear a mask and to defiantly refuse to do it is selfish, cruel, and stupid, stupid , stupid.
Curious
*sighs* yeah….
anon
If you’d acknowledge that this pandemic is real and serious, you might just have to wonder what you did wrong to suffer god’s wrath, so denial is the easier solution.
LaurenB
God gave me Dr. Fauci and other public health experts. BTW I was heartened to see Stanford repudiate Dr. Scott Atlas, who may be perfectly fine as a radiologist but is not qualified in the least to handle infectious disease.
Anon
I’m hosting 3 people outdoors around a firepit for lunch. For dinner, I’m going to my cousin’s Thanksgiving (just her immediate family) outdoors around her firepit. (I’d rather not do 2 meals, but alas, COVID + toddlers = impossible situation.)
Anonymous
Not a damn thing.
Anon
Cancelled our 16 hour driving trip to see family. Will be me and my husband. We have decided to make an exception and allow one friend to join us as it is her first year divorced and her kids will be with their dad and she has no local family.
Aunt Jamesina
Husband and I are enjoying a traditional Thanksgiving spread all to ourselves. My parents are divorced and remarried, and my two sets of parents and my in-laws all live in our metropolitan area (although not all in the same direction), which means that in normal years, all three sets expect to see us at some point and we spend way too much time in traffic. In recent years, we’ve put our foot down about Thanksgiving and have just attended one, but Christmas always involves three gatherings in two days and I am so. over. it. I recognize how lucky we are to have family nearby, but I’m excited to have an excuse to not have to make the rounds this year.
CountC
No travel (except to Whole Foods to pick up my meal) and no gathering. Couldn’t be happier to be able to spend the time by myself and have it followed with a week off where I don’t have to do any work!!
Anon
Absolutely not, it’s so irresponsible and dangerous.
Anonymous
+1. If you look at the US map, there are no states where there isn’t a case uptick already happening, maybe due to the election or due to careless Halloween celebrations. In our area the cases doubled in two weeks, which if you can do the math means we are in for a overflow tents in the sports stadium number of cases in no time. If you love anyone, stay home and break the chain.
Anokha
No traveling, no gathering. To be clear, we aren’t high risk nor is our family. But with the covid numbers going the way they are, it seems irresponsible not to stay home and try to help flatten the curve.
Anonymous
So legit no one here is traveling or seeing anyone? I find that hard to believe. I assume there’s some selection bias happening.
Anonymous
I think so too, but hopefully this thread will inspire the lurking travelers to at least take some precautions if they won’t do the right thing and stay home.
Yes
100% there is selection bias.
Anon
Do you expect the methodology of the comment section to be as rigorous as a real survey?
Anonymous
My mother in law is driving 5 hours to spend time with us over thanksgiving. My 4 YO is in private school that distances, wears masks (she’s a pro). My DD will go to school this Wed for the last time then we are pulling her out to seriously quarantining for a week no contact before GMa arrives the following Wed. Keep wondering if we should try to through a round of testing into the mix but not sure of a great way to safely do it and we are not sick :( Post Thanksgiving also thinking of keeping DD home from school bc expect there will be increased risk at the school post holiday.
emeralds
We’re having my mom and sister-in-law over for Thanksgiving Day–we’re already bubbled with my mom, and my SIL is quarantining and testing before she drives up. My in-laws are coming down the day after Thanksgiving to see my SIL, and they are similarly quarantining beforehand. My husband is the only one in this group who isn’t either working from home or retired for the quarantine period, and I trust my family-in-law to quarantine to the standards we gave them.
Anon
True, I’m sure there is selection basis. I’m traveling by car to see my in-laws, after quarantining for over 14 days (a true quarantine, we haven’t left the house in that time). Given that we are not in any pods and didnt really do anything prior to the quarantine besides go to the grocery store, I don’t see how this is any worse then all the people I know who are in multi-family pods.
Anonymous
I think the whole multi-family pod thing is mostly BS. If you have three families with kids in school and grocery runs and doctor’s appointments and UPS dropoffs and backyard meet-ups, it’s just not a pod.
Rainbow Hair
Yup. I tried to pod up with another family (my Kiddo is an only and is lonelyAF) but the edges weren’t hard enough. For us it’s really rigid: me, husband, kiddo, my mom, my dad. None of us go to work/stores/school/back yard meetups (except the below-mentioned masked and truly distanced one with families). The only buildings any of us enter are my house and my parents’ house. And we’re the only people who enter one another’s houses.
…and the other family started out sounding like that, except “also my sister is moving back to CA and we’ll probably see her and her best friend has a kid our kid’s age so they will likely play together and we live with my grandma who went to the dentist…” and so now my ‘bubble’ was going to include this kid’s aunt’s friend’s kid and the grandma’s dentist?! It just stops being a bubble. :-/ So Kiddo plays with her boring parents.
anon
We quarantined for two weeks (REAL quarantine — no grocery stores, no dentist appointments, etc) and then drove 25 hours to see my parents, who I haven’t seen in a year. We stayed at AirBnbs, which we disinfected with alcohol wipes, and only p**d on the side of the road. We packed food which we ate for three days — no takeout. My mom lost her sister a month ago and has been very sad — couldn’t go to the funeral — and so it was really important to me be able to see my mom. If anyone feels the need to lecture me about this decision, that’s a *you* problem.
Anonymous
It also sounds like you already did this in the past, so not celebrating Thanksgiving next week?
anon
canadian t-giving maybe?
Anon
I got my hair done last weekend. I had it highlighted so I was there a long time. I know that’s not a safe decision but things are only getting worse here so I decided I’d get a last cut/color to last me 6 months?
Anyway, I sat there listening to everyone else coming and going and talking to their stylist. In making small talk, the stylists asked each person their thankgiving plans. Every.single.one of them was either traveling or having a gathering, though one person emphasized it was “small” but small to her was 15 people.
I’m the one above that recently cancelled our 16 hour drive to the in-laws. That salon trip cinched it for me. Everyone thought they were different and special. They weren’t. Everyone is still traveling and gathering, they are just using a variety of excuses to justify it. I fear we are screwed. I am so happy to read some opposite responses here, selection bias or not.
Anon
Um, you don’t see that it was problematic for you to be sitting in an enclosed space for at least an hour with multiple other people? But you just *had* to have your highlights! Pot, meet kettle.
Anon
Oh I’m fully aware that it was a poor decision, particularly as I realized I was surrounding by other poor decision makers. Someone above asked for honesty. I provided it. Shame away.
anonshmanon
Your comment is really rubbing me the wrong way. I mean, of course there is selection bias here, but it does give me a whiff of the following thinking pattern that is found in so many problems: ‘if I assume that everyone cheats, then I don’t have to bother following the rules. If you burst that assumption by acting in any way that benefits others, and worse, openly admitting this, I’m going to attack you for virtue signaling and question you and your motives’ . I know people in my life who make every decision based on the assumption that stealing, lying and looking out for nobody but yourself is acceptable and normal. It really messes up a person and it rubs off on their environment, creating a feedback loop.
Yes, the majority of people are forgoing family gatherings. The effectiveness of social distancing is broken once 10-20% opt out of it. That means that everytime you see the diagram of daily cases ramp up and then flatten out again, it’s because the majority of people are following expert advice and accepting delayed gratification.
Anonymous
FaceTime dinner with my parents who live in a neighboring state.
Nesprin
Going home because my parent’s dementia caregiver has the week off and the options are stay home and worry that my mom will go for walkabout or go see them and do the care-giving work myself.
I’ll be driving, I’ve gotten my flu shot, and been religious about the kn95 for the past two weeks, and I’ll be wearing my kn95s for 2 weeks afterwards. I’m in one of the lower risk areas and WFH- I’m fairly convinced my parents’ll be the vectors if I get sick.
Thanks also to everyone who is staying home- I really appreciate that so many ppl in the community are forgoing seeing loved ones- it makes the community risk lower.
Anonymous
I am traveling 8 hours to camp in a tent in my elderly parents yard. My husband and I are eating the food we’ll bring and reheat on a camp stove under a tailgate tent twenty feet from my parents back porch, where they will be eating. We’ll chat over the phone while we eat. It’s going to suck! But my parents live in a state where coronavirus is pretty much uncontrolled. I keep seeing memes that encourage people to stay home to ensure they have future holidays with their families. Mostly I’m concerned about having any holiday with mine.
Anonymous
I hope you & your family are okay/have a good time. But I’m not sure I understand the point of going there just to talk on the phone … what am I missing? Is having you in their yard important to them for some reason?
anon
We are driving to my parents’ house on Saturday to spend a week with them. I am an only child, so it’s just my parents and my immediate family. My immediate family cannot quarantine. We wear masks, etc., but we are not really taking “extra” precautions.
anon
Immediate family in-person thanksgiving (with quarantine + testing) was cancelled. We are ordering thanksgiving from a restaurant, drinking and working on the house.
Anonymous
DH and I, plus roommate are staying put. no travel, no family, no gatherings. we may go for a quick thanksgiving day hike nearby then i ordered most of our food premade for pick up earlier that week. we’re in portland, OR with family several states away but do not want to risk travel for anyone involved.
AnonMPH
As of now, my husband and I (no kids) are in quarantine and are still planning to travel to see my high risk parents (6.5 hr drive with one masked stop to pee). Our quarantine is strict, no stores, no office, no friends outdoors, not even the dog park. Only dog walks and deliveries of groceries/mail. We are also still holding open the possibility of canceling if necessary. There have been 0-3 cases per 100,000 in their area for the last two weeks. If things spike there or here we will reconsider. My mom also had a fall yesterday and had to go to the ER, so I’m concerned about her risk of COVID exposure at the hospital, will have to monitor. Our plan is to get tested next Monday, am concerned that with the national surge and with everyone getting tested for thanksgiving the results may not come back in time for us to drive. We had not been planning to ask my parents to test, since their area has such low COVID rates and they’ve been basically in quarantine since March. But we may now ask them to test as well, one week post ER visit.
Also just a note, I’m guessing that people who are traveling aren’t posting it here because they expect to get yelled at. I am posting to show that there are people who are traveling and also trying to be extremely careful about it. I do still acknowledge it would be safest not to go at all.
Senior Attorney
We are eating outside, weather permitting (it’s So Cal so will probably be okay — we have outdoor heaters), just my husband and me and my son. Would love to include my 94-year-old dad but not willing to put him at risk.
Betsy
We celebrated thanksgiving with an outdoors meal a few weeks ago since it will probably be too cold here on actual Thanksgiving day. At the time I thought maybe it would just be a bonus thanksgiving and we could still do something on the actual date, but now I’m especially glad we did it because we won’t be gathering for a meal. My husband and I will cook some of our favorite sides on thanksgiving and maybe roast a chicken. Depending on the weather, we might try to see some very local family for pie and hot drinks around the fire pit.
I’ve already mentally moved on from thanksgiving and started worrying about our original (indoor, windows opened, no food or drink indoors, 100% masked with an air purifier for our local family, which would be 8 people) plans for Christmas which I think are no longer wise. Trying to come up with a plan B and getting a little stumped.
Anonymous
Honestly, what works best for me is just not doing the meet-up – just deciding not to do it at all. The decision fatigue of trying to make it safe and having to figure out how to balance everyone’s risk just isn’t worth it. Zoom isn’t perfect, but I’d rather take a nice-but-not-perfect Zoom meeting over an unsafe and stressful in-person meeting where I can’t even relax and enjoy it.
Rainbow Hair
This is where I’m leaning, Anon… like, maybe I can just give up on trying to account for details and manage risk, by just continuing what I’ve been doing (absolutely. nothing.)
Aunt Jamesina
Yes, I think this is where I’ve mentally landed. We had considered doing a Thanksgiving meal in my mom’s garage with space heaters until a couple of weeks ago. Now that numbers are rising and I have an upcoming IVF cycle, I’m making peace with an at home celebration rather than trying to jump through a million hoops to try and make any sort of in-person meal happen. It sucks, but there’s always next year.
Anonymous
I’m frustrated that I’m being lumped in with people who are “traveling” to “socialize with people outside their household.” My fiancé and I have two homes about 3 hours apart to accommodate our work arrangements. We are one “household” we just happen to be located in two houses for now – admittedly one is in his name and one is in mine. Neither of us has roommates or kids and we aren’t seeing our parents for the holiday. I’ll be spending the holiday weekend at his place because he may have to go into work on Friday.
Rainbow Hair
No travel. My parents are in our bubble (and one of my parents is immune compromised) so we’ll be doing something with them, but there’s debate about inclusion of my brothers (both live local, both work in medium-risk jobs, neither are in our bubble). We’ve previously all got together at my parents’ for birthdays, outside, masked, with my bros faaaar apart from us and each other… but now one bro has told my folks that he’s noticed cases shooting up in his friend group and work circle, and at the same time noticed responsibility declining… so he seems like a bigger risk? but maybe it doesn’t matter if he stays 15 feet away, masked except when he’s eating? But really, I just don’t like the anxiety of managing that, kinda always being on guard, yelling at Kiddo to keep her distance, etc. etc. But then my mom says, “well, what if we have breakfast with that bro (social distanced/masked/etc.) and then dinner with you guys?” and at that point… maybe we might as well do it all together?
TL;DR no travel, maybe gathering but only in extremely cautious ways, but also our heightened risk + my superanxiety might make that not happen.
P.S. Hi!
Anon
My family live an hour away. I’m not traveling to see them. My mom is elderly and high risk. It’s not worth it to me. It is too cold to eat outside. We agreed we will Zoom and that be that. I like alone and will use the time off to relax. Better safe than sorry. Several friends have passed from COVID.
Anonymous
I’m very sorry for your losses.
anon
I’m driving 2 hours away (figure I can do that without stopping) to spend three nights / four days in a casita at a stupid expensive luxury resort. Alone with my dog. Planning to bring my own food or maybe do take out, and hang out by the pool but only if it’s relatively empty/distanced. Will bring lots of books. I’m pregnant (and mentally/emotionally not doing great) and my bf is across the country. I don’t think either of us will be getting on a flight any time soon so I will spend most of my pregnancy alone. I can deal with that, but it’s one of the reasons I decided to splurge on somewhere really nice for a few days. Needed something to look forward to.
Rainbow Hair
Oof that sounds like a lot. I’m glad you’re treating yourself. My family stayed at one of those Getaway tiny houses for a few days in October and it was just the most glorious change of pace. Really reenergizing.
Anon
All indoor gatherings banned in my state and the weather is likely to be uncooperative. My sister and BIL (40 min away) and I are doing a food swap outdoors, then we’ll do a string of zoom calls with family who are all out of state. It sucks but maybe we can have in person Xmas this way, or at the very least, we can feel good about doing our part.
Kitten
I’m still trying to convince my family to cancel–some of my extended family are high risk. :(
I would be fine with meeting up with my immediate family only–my parents are exposed daily at work anyways and I’ve already had COVID and will also get tested –but I might boycott if they are still having the entire extended family over.
anon
We’re hoping to see family. The numbers would just fall under the current guidelines, and we’ve all been absolutely strictly quarantining for more than 2 weeks. I’m prepared that the situation may change–more restrictions may be announced, or work may require us to break quarantine. But the trip seems very important to some high-risk family members who have been on lockdown since March.
anon
Not travelling, not seeing anyone indoors. Not to sound woe is me because I know others have sadness too but it’s hard.
My daughter is an RN at an urban university hospital and she is an ICU nurse caring for the sickest covid patients. My son is an MD in first year of residency at a different out of state urban university hospital and all residents have been assigned to the ICU on a 10-day on, 10-day off rotation for covid work. I’m immunocompromised so I only see my daughter outside, with masks at least 6 feet away. My son was supposed to have time off and I haven’t seen him in a year because of covid, missed his graduation which was cancelled, so I may or may not get to see him but if I do it will be outdoors, with masks and 6+feet away.
My parents are both 85+ and I won’t see them or my MIL who is the same age.
So no gatherings. But hiking and boating are on the agenda.
I’m going to cook a turkey and most of the fixings and will give some to other family members and will count my blessings, which are many. And I’m going to pray for vaccines for health care workers ASAP, for elderly next and then immunocompromised people after that. And praying for an end to covid for all.
Betsy
It sounds like it has been a really challenging year for your family. Praying that you’ll all be gathered around an exceptional Thanksgiving table next year!
anon
Thank you Betsy! Very sweet of you.
Anonymous
Outdoor thanksgiving picnic with two local friends instead of traveling to family :)
Anon
My parents (2 miles away) cancelled for their own safety, so theoretically it should be just husband and me at home.
Husband is excitedly saying that this is a perfect opportunity to join a huge feast at his cousin’s house, since we normally decline in favor of seeing my parents. He’s missing the point of quarantining. It’s an ongoing fight.
Anon
No gathering. My family and DH’s family is all within an hour drive, but we are all taking Covid very seriously and have only had outdoor gatherings since the pandemic started. We haven’t seen any of them in about a month since it’s too cold for that now. It sucks, but it’s too risky. DH and I will order take out and facetime with some folks.
anon
Hive, I could use job decision advice if anyone has a few minutes.
Job A: Small firm, permanent WFH option, around 250K total comp as Counsel. Billables should not be too punishing since it’s a smaller firm but over time I will need to do business dev’t (which I am not great at and dislike). Would be on partner track within the next 2-3 years.
Job B: Interviewing next month, lower level judicial officer position with four other candidates (friend on the inside told me this). Total comp $180K (with full pension) and will require a 45-50 minute commute each way (no traffic, just a long stretch of highway). Hours will be relatively reasonable.
Extenuating factors: I have two small kids and we will need to get extra child care to cover the commuting hours. My current job has about a 10 min commute and pays $150K so either job is an upgrade salary wise. Very ready to leave current job.
What should I do? There’s no way I can hold the Job A offer open until after my interview for Job B, so effectively accepting Job A means I foreclose Job B and withdraw. DH just tells me he’ll support whichever I choose. I think Job B would be more interesting/fun and I’d have more autonomy, but the salary difference is giving me great pause (we could use the extra money to pay off student loans, save for kids’ college, save toward a bigger house in the next few years). On the flip side though, I hate commuting and have loved WFH since the pandemic began. Help!
Anon
Honestly, unless the job with the long commute is your dream career and the realization of a long-held goal, don’t sign up for that commute. My life has improved immeasurably since I dropped my 70+ minute each way commute. When you consider which job you want, make sure to consider what the commute means you’ll be giving up. Will you be missing out on valuable time with your kids? On your hobbies? Don’t forget to take that opportunity cost into account.
anon
Yes, thanks, the commute is definitely giving me pause. It’s the one really big downside of Job B (assuming, of course, I could even get it, which is a big if).
Cat
When you consider Job B’s “reasonable” hours are you including the 2 hours per day commute? My husband went from that situation to permanent WFH thanks to the pandemic, and he is so much happier even though work has bled into some of the commute time savings.
anon
Yes, even with those hours (extra 10 hours per week), I suspect I’ll be working slightly less overall at Job B. But I REALLY hate commuting so there is also the mental health aspect to think of, in addition to the lost time itself.
Anon
If the hours are similar factoring in the commute, I’d go for Job B
Anonymous
I only hate commuting with traffic under time pressure to be somewhere. I am OK just driving with no traffic.
What is the commuting drive you hate?
The math of my family living into their 90s make me not lightly dismiss an actual pension.
anon
OP here, I really just dislike driving in general. Driving in traffic is the worst but even any trips longer than 20 minutes are in this category. I should also add I am not the world’s greatest/most confident driver so that’s part of it.
Anonymous
Job A. You are very ready to leave your job. This is the alternative you have. Job b isn’t an option because you don’t have it.
anon
OP here, yes, this is a good point. I guess I should have clarified – while I am very ready to leave my current job, I could definitely stick around longer while waiting for the right job to show up. I’m not so miserable that I want/need to jump at Job A if it’s not the right job longer term, and especially not if Job B is the better fit (which I can’t ascertain right now). I should also add that Job B would be a good stepping stone to higher level judicial positions, so that is a factor in my calculus. Of course, as you said, Job B isn’t an option, at least right now.
Diana Barry
I would take Job A.
Anonymous
I would just make sure with A of what the billables actually are and how much you would need to collect to garner that. $250K is a lot for a small firm that actually has low billables.
Anon
THIS! Are you a super niche specialty that lets you charge $1000/hr? If not and you are charging reasonable rates between $200 and $400/hr, I’d question how they are planning on paying you so much.
anon
OP here, yes, thanks, this is a key question that I have on my list to be addressed before I make a decision. Basically, without giving away too much info, the firm has several biglaw partners that recently defected and brought along their substantial books. I’m in a niche area of litigation in a VHCOL city, so the salary makes sense considering those additional factors. That said, I’m sure it will be more hours than Job B, plus the eventual addition of business dev’t as well.
Anob
That’s tough. I’d think through what your day to day schedule would be like with each job (and add in some padding in case it is worse than you expect with traffic and work demands) and think about how it would affect you and your time with your family and whether that end result makes your stomach sink. I’d also look at your budget and try to see how the $$ would really impact your goals and if it’s worth it to take the higher paying job.
Anon
Job A, and I say this as someone who would absolutely love Job B.
When you have two young kids, do not commute almost two hours a day more for $70,000 a year less.
A judicial officer position will offer very little flexibility, which will be brutal when you have young kids, want to see a soccer match, or simply want to be home for dinner.
“Full pension” is what they are promising you. Unless you live in a state with a well-funded pension system, I would not expect that you will actually get that full pension for your entire retirement. Most states have an upcoming tsunami of red ink from pensions. (Even if your political beliefs say that pensions “should have” been better funded or “should be” better funded, complaining does not make the money appear, and there’s just Too. Much. Money. they need to raise. I also image that high value pensions will be the first to get cut; it’s almost impossible, politically, to tell taxpayers earning an average of $60,000 that they need to pay for someone’s $140,000 a year pension.)
anon
thank you, this is helpful. Yes, I’ve thought about that as well – who knows if the pension will still be there in 20+ years when I am near retirement age. My state has had issues with this before though I think so far, everyone has gotten their pensions.
Anon
“My state has had issues with this before though I think so far, everyone has gotten their pensions.”
We’re about your age. My husband is a professor at a state university who studies the pension systems professionally. He took the defined contribution retirement plan instead of the pension – even though the pension pays out about double – because he does not believe that in thirty years, the pension system will be able to pay out what it promises to pay out.
But if you think the lack of problems right now means lack of problems in forty years, take that job.
Anon
+1 to this, I wouldn’t really trust a pension system, tbh, as great as I think they are.
But with job A you really seem to be glossing over the business development. I wouldn’t like that either! And I’d be concerned if I took a job knowing they expected me to take that on in the future. Are you being honest with yourself about how much will be required and how much you won’t like it?
Ellen
Go with Job A. One in the hand is worth more than 0 in the bush. You do not want to commute 2 hours a day every day. WFH is alot better and there is more money in it for day care. Besides, they may never give you job B, even tho you won’t work as hard.
Anon
Quick random question – I would like to buy Ina Garten‘s new cookbook, but I only want to buy cookbooks that lay flat when you have them open to a recipe. Anyone know if this does??
Anonie
I don’t know the answer to that, but buying a paper weight could expand your cookbook options :)
Lilliet
Or a cookbook stand :-)
Anon
Yep, I know I could buy gadgets to make any book workable, but I generally try not to buy things that require an extra single-use gadget to be functional. It’s a preference of mine.
LaurenB
Or a rock from the garden.
Lilliet
This made me chuckle–Thank you! It’s a preference of mine to have sarcastic replies to sanctimonious reproaches.
Anonymous
Geez, Lilliet, you are being unnecessarily rude about a basic post. Hope your day improves.
Lilliet
Heh, Anonymous at 1:08, my day is great. I was genuinely laughing off a dismissive and reproachful response to a genuine suggestion of a cookbook stand. I hope your day gets better friend! As Cody says, “It’s not that serious boo!”
Anonymous
If you need tips on taking things less seriously, Lilliet, I find “is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?” a good rule of thumb for posting here.
Anonymous
I use a heavy stapler.
Lilliet
Is your stapler antique? New ones don’t carry nearly enough weight to hold down a book without lay-flat binding.
Anonymous
Yes, it’s old & it’s the best. My scotch tape dispenser is also pretty heavy … any hefty office supply or other item should do the trick but the elongated shape is kinda handy for placing horizontally across the middle to hold open and then to slide up and down without blocking too much text at a time.
Anonymous
If it has the same publisher as her other cookbooks, yes, it will stay open.
kk
Have you worked with any of her other cookbooks before? It’s exactly the same shape/size/format as everything else of hers, so that might give you a clue.
I find that while they’re brand new, they dont stay wide open, but after a few times cooking, it stays open just fine. Until then, a wooden spoon across the bottom of the pages will keep it open easily.
Anon
I know you don’t want a gadget, but I really love my cookbook stand. It makes it so much easier to use even the cookbooks that lay flat, since then they stand upright and take up less counter space and are easier to read. It also works as a stand for my tablet or phone when I’m cooking recipes from them, so it serves at least two purposes. I have a pretty painted cast iron one- don’t bother with one of the flimsy ones.
anon
I actually really like the plexi-glass ones, because they keep the book (or tablet) clean and dry.
nutella
I don’t have her latest book but I have all of her other books, so I think we can assume this one is the same size and shape as all the others. As for laying flat, mostly yes. If you are looking at a recipe in the very beginning or something at the very end, you may have to push on the binding a bit to get it to stay in place. The book shape and weight is generally good enough that the cover weighs down the sides and opens the binding but it’s not as perfect as, say, a binder and it’s not as miserable as like a paperback novel. I have not really noticed a problem with them, but you could also use a bowl or some sort of weight or fasten a rubber band around the pages.
Anon
You’re reminding me of one of the many reasons I love Joy of Cooking so much. They always stay flat and open.
Anon
Thanks everyone. I’ll give the book a shot!
Anon for this
I think I need advice…? This is very long so I understand if no one reads it…
I’m in my 30s, single and very close to my parents. Due to time, distance and the magic of therapy, I am starting to realize my mom is actually quite difficult to get along with (for me, she is basically a pushover with everyone else).
Because I am single and live alone, I was planning on going to spend 2 weeks with my family over the Christmas holidays (from a covid perspective, it seems as safe as can be). But – I am dreading it. I love my family but lately, whenever I don’t acquiesce to whatever my mom wants, she turns on me. A lot of it is passive aggressive but I am honestly losing my patience. I feel like she’s not happy and is lashing out (she’s also doing it to my dad) but is just saying things that aren’t grounded in logic. She’s not doing it to my sister because my sister is just not reliable and rarely calls home.
I feel like I need to go home (most of the recent comments revolve around the fact that I haven’t visited my parents in over a year (we went away for Christmas last year and then it’s been a pandemic… I have seen them multiple times but the fact that I haven’t been there means I hate both her and her city apparently). I need advice though – if I don’t go, especially given the fact that it’s relatively safe and I am off work for 2 weeks, it will probably be seen as relationship ending. How do I cope? My therapist’s advice are helpful from a distance but staying with them makes it more difficult. If it’s relevant, we’re South Asian so there are also other cultural elements at stake (i.e. a lot of my behaviour is seen as “shameful” because I am not family-oriented enough and still unmarried).
Thanks all
Anonymous
Also South Asian and was also going to post a parental issue today. TBH I’d go now and then not again for a long while. I assume you don’t live close if you haven’t gone in a year so just get it over with while you are off from work etc and then after that the excuse can be — sorry pandemic is still going and now I don’t have 2 wks off to come visit safely.
Anon
Your mom might be a “pushover” who also demands that you acquiesce to her needs because to her, being a pushover is problem-solving. No one gets mad at her if she’s a pushover, and all the problems will be solved if you just do whatever she wants.
A lot of people really try to force me to acquiesce, and I’ve found that a very simple “This is not a solution and you need to find another solution” works wonders.
Anon
Two weeks is a long time no matter who it is. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to only stay with them Christmas Eve – New Year’s.
Nesprin
I’d highly recommend getting your own space, and carving out time for breaks. Having a retreat makes a huge difference- it’s easy to be get overwhelmed if you don’t have your own space. My personal break faves: remembering you need to get X from the store, wanting to get your nails done, needing to go for a walk to get some exercise, wanting to check out old favorite restaurant X and see how it’s changed.
It’s notable that your mom pulls this with you and not your sister, because she knows it works on you and not on your sister.
Anonymous
How about a white lie, for example, at the last minute someone coughed on you at the grocery store & you don’t want to risk getting them sick.
Perhaps the time alone will help you decide to take more space for yourself … why not become like your sister and have a more distanced relationship? Don’t tell your parents you’re ending things, just be too busy/“unreliable” to be around or listen to their complaints.
Wishing you some peace this holiday season.
bookworm
Oh dear, these are my parents too. I’ve actually been living with them for a while and its been better than I thought, but for example I’ve floated not going home before and its been a disaster. I would go for a shorter amount of time and just blame it on work or something. Would your sister be back at the same time?
Anon for this
Thanks all. I appreciate the responses.
Finding my own space and carving out breaks sounds like my only option.
Unfortunately, my sister’s distanced relationships is not out of choice but because she is completely self-absorbed and only pays attention to the family when she needs something. And yes, it all works on me and not my sister because I have a real problem with parental disapproval (something I am still working on in therapy…)
Anyways, thanks again. Parents and family stuff is hard normally, and it’s been a tough year.
theguvnah
ignore all these other comments and just don’t go. Pretend you have covid symptoms, and i mean that sincerely. you don’t want to go and it sounds like going would be actively harmful to you. don’t go.
Hildy J.
Long shot, but can anyone recommend a hair stylist in Manhattan for wavy slightly longish hair? I decided to leave the person I’d been seeing for years right before COVID, after not being happy for several cuts in a row. I tried one place in August based on Yelp and other recommendations and that was no good… and now I’m a big bushy mess. Thanks in advance.
Anon
ash at Scott J salon On East 86th street. I live in DC now and miss her so much.
Anonymous
Martha at Astor Place Barber Shop (2 Astor Place). She’s wonderful with my longish wavy hair. Note- the place is closing *snif* on Nov. 25.
Hildy J.
oh… that legendary place? how interesting. Has Martha found a new place to work?
Anon in NYC
Nick at Warren Tricomi in Flatiron. That’s basically my hair (wavy/curly, longish).
Anon in NYC
Nick at Warren Tricomi in Flatiron. I have the same hair, and have been seeing him for years.
Anon
Looking into getting a monitor (have been working off of my surface pro!). I think I’d like to get one that is a tv that could also be a second monitor (so when this ends I can still use it as a tv)
Does anyone have any recommendations?
Cb
We have a Samsung TV and my husband uses a Chromecast to cast from his surface to the TV. It seems to work well.
Marie
-Paging Thanksgiving Veggie Sides from yesterday-
I’m glad you saw my suggestion yesterday even though I posted in late afternoon. Since you said it is up your alley, a little more detail. I use brussels sprouts sliced in half, cubed sweet potatoes, and cubed butternut squash. I have also considered tossing apples with this as well, but I have not actually done that. Using this recipe as a base to toss your vegetables before roasting:
1 1/2 Tbsp grainy Dijon mustard
1 1/2 Tbsp real maple syrup
1/2 tsp dried rosemary
Sea salt-I give 3-4 healthy twists on my grinder
Cracked pepper-2 or 3 twists
1 tbsp Olive oil
Mix all of these together in a large bowl and add the vegetables to toss them and coat evenly. Line large pan with parchment paper (consider spraying in addition because the maple syrup makes it stick). Make sure you do not overload the pan, or your vegetables will steam instead of roast. Use a second pan, if you need to or adjust cooking time for longer. Roast at 425 for about 35-40 minutes, depending on your oven. Toss halfway through to get a nice caramelization on all sides.
Anonie
Sounds amazing!
Marie
It is based on this one pan chicken recipe in case you need an easy week-day dinner: https://www.thechunkychef.com/sheet-pan-maple-mustard-roasted-chicken/
anon
I am looking for some cool DIY christmas ornaments (for adults). This is the first year I’m getting a tree and I don’t want to have a bunch of generic stuff, I’d like to build a collection of stuff over time that is meaningful to me. I have a couple of family photo ornaments that I like but that’s it. No kids, 2 dogs :)
Anonymous
You can save wine corks and make ornaments out of them using ribbons, beads, sequins, and a glue gun. I’ve done this to commemorate special occasions (e.g., using the wine cork from my brother’s wedding wine, stuff like that). I saved the wine cork from election night this year and it partially broke off coming out of the bottle, but I like the symbolism.
Anon
You can get clear glass ball ornaments and do a marbleized paint job on them. Drip a few drops of rubbing alcohol inside and then dump it out, and while it is still damp, squirt a few colors of acrylic paint in them and shake it up. Place them back in their tray to dry, rotating every few hours. I made some last year and they look really pretty! If you search DIY Marble Christmas Ornaments, tutorials will come up.
Elderlyunicorn
How crafty are you? Purl Soho has some beautiful felt projects
https://www.purlsoho.com/create/?s=christmas&page=2#/results:projects
Mal
I’ve made toilet paper tube snowflakes (google to get ideas/variations) which you can paint/dip in glitter. Easy to put together with a glue gun and a way to recycle!
anon
Apartment Therapy had a recent article with a bunch of grown up DIY ornaments to try.
Anon
If you crochet you can make some crocheted snowflakes. All you need is a hook, crochet cotton (the instructions will tell you which thickness to buy) and some liquid starch (to make them stiff when you’re done). These things are easy to buy online, and the internet abounds with crochet patterns for these.
Anon
Does anyone have a Simple human shower caddy (either over the door or over the shower head)? Do they rust or gunk up? I have what was supposed to be a teak shower shelf in my stand-in shower and it has literally rotted after only a year, even with regular cleanings. It’s downright disgusting. I’d prefer a standing shelf (like on the floor), but can’t seem to find one from a brand I trust, so looking at the caddies from Simple human.
Anon
I have a stainless steel caddy that hasn’t rusted or had issues in four years (not sure what brand it was; I just went with a well reviewed one on Amzn). If some off brand can get it right, I hope that Simple Human can? I seriously love their trash cans.
Anonymous
I have one over the shower head and one on a pole that stands in the rear corner of the shower. Both are great and among the initial new home purchases I am most happy with. I particularly like the one on the pole because it is unobtrusive and has a spot for everything with room left over. They need to be cleaned occasionally but they are easy to clean. Again, the one on the pole is out of the stream of water so does not get messy quickly. Consider that one.
Anon
I have an OTD chrome caddy made by Zenna Home that I order online from WalMart (can’t find it in-store). With regular cleaning, it stays nice for about 3-4 years before it starts to rust.
Anon
I splurged on this for my shower because I was sick of crappy shower caddies and it’s legit one of my favourite things in my house. It has not rusted or gotten yucky. I have the one that goes over the shower head. I love that a screw can be tightened so it clamps down on the shower head and doesn’t slide off!
HangryJo
Yes – I have the one that goes over the shower head and have had it for at least 7 years. Looks like new. I clean the place where my soap bar sits regularly to keep it from getting gunky and then give the rest of it a thorough clean every other month or so. Very easy to clean.
anon
I have this -https://www.target.com/p/3-tier-round-wire-shower-storage-tower-silver-made-by-design-8482/-/A-54144979?ref=tgt_adv_XS000000&AFID=google_pla_df&fndsrc=tgtao&DFA=71700000014792873&CPNG=PLA_Bath%2BShopping_Brand&adgroup=SC_Bath&LID=700000001170770pgs&LNM=PRODUCT_GROUP&network=g&device=c&location=9061124&targetid=pla-117769379572&ds_rl=1246978&ds_rl=1248099&ds_rl=1247068&gclid=Cj0KCQiAhs79BRD0ARIsAC6XpaXNT2B2Cam4YYv7fH-P7dedIwAJAcj1t2Y4LyNq3z5MhzelyHc0k6waAoHeEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
and it has been in my shower for a year with no issues at all
anon
ohh that is a nightmare link. sorry op
hopefully this is better – https://www.target.com/p/3-tier-round-wire-shower-storage-tower-silver-made-by-design-8482/-/A-54144979
anon
I know some of my gunk problems are from the shower and local water, not the caddy, so I keep a magic eraser in my shower and wipe stuff off when it starts getting grody. It’s made a big difference in how long stuff lasts before it looks gross.
Anon
https://www.nodrillingrequired.com/11-Double-Shower-Caddy-p/dk240-chr.htm I have this one, going on 8 years, no rust! It has a 15 lb. weight limit and while I haven’t loaded it to that extent, do use it for large bottles. Bottom holds two soap dishes and a bottle; top holds probably 5 normal size bottles for reference.
Anon
Yes, Simple Human is the best. There’s a reason why it’s so much more expensive than the others. Never again will I buy one from Target or HomeGoods!
A.
Recommendations for a great pair of boyfriend jeans? I had some I loved from Old Navy but their cut has changed since then and mine are worn to shreds. Inexpensive is better but I’ll pay up to $100 for the right pair. I’m a short waisted apple. Thanks!
Anon
Free People, but above your $$ threshold
Anon
This is the thing Poshmark was made for. I have a few very specific items that I love and make a habit of checking PM every couple of weeks to see is one turns up at a reasonable price.
pugsnbourbon
More of a mom-jean cut, but I really like Target’s Universal Thread High-Rise Tapered Ankle Jeans. They feel much more substantial (more cotton, less spandex) than other jeans from that brand. I’m a rectangle with a slight belly.
pugsnbourbon
Should have added that they run a size large. I’m usually a 10 but the 8 fit well.
AnonATL
How do you all store your random servewear that gets used maybe 1-2x a year (and none this year)? I have a collection of random platters and bowls that only get used a couple of times a year and they take up so much space in the pantry and cabinets. I’d like to get some storage boxes with lids and put them elsewhere but not add to anymore visual clutter.
We have a large serving table with a bottom shelf in our formal dining room I was hoping to move them to once I find reasonably attractive boxes to put them in. An attic or basement isn’t an option, and we don’t have large closets to put them in either.
Anonymous
I would look for a large, rectangular basket with a metal frame and handles, that is about the size of the lower shelf you mentioned, and then stack them in that with some bubble wrap or foam wrap in between to avoid scratching. You could drape something fabric, like a pretty tablecloth, napkin, place mat, or blanket, over the top to improve the visual.
Anon
I nabbed an armoire (the old kind with shelves and drawers, not the tv kind) for free off FB Marketplace. It lives in the garage and holds all of my serving dishes. (I entertain a lot and am the recipient of Grandma’s punch bowl, etc, etc, so the entire thing is filled.)
Senior Attorney
I have mine in the built-in linen closet in the hall. We don’t have many linens but we have a ton of dishes and serving stuff so it works out reasonably well.
But I am loving the free-armoire-in-the-garage idea. I will have to look into something like that.
AnonATL
Oh that’s smart. I could donate some of the old towels we have and move the platters there. Or even better, wrap the dishes in the old towels as I store them.
Senior Attorney coming in with the sage advice as always!
anon
I have a china cabinet where I keep all the glasses and smaller dishes and an old night stand with drawers where I keep the platters, linens, and random cocktail accessories. Because the night stand is the same height as my table, it’s not visually noticeable in the back corner of the dining room.
Cat
Underbed storage would be perfect for this, if it’s not already spoken for!
Anon
I think this is what china cabinets were for in old timey days!
I don’t know anyone who has one except my mom, though.
Anon
I store my random Christmas stuff away in a large sterilite container from target. We have attic space so I stick it up there until the day after Thanksgiving.
I have Christmas china that lives in my built in china cabinet (old house) for 11/12 months. It takes up the entire china cabinet so that tells you a little about my priorities.
Not That Anne, the Other Anne
I have an antique sideboard/buffet thing in the dining room. My mom found it at an antique store for some ridiculously small amount of money and presented it to us as a housewarming gift.
She also presented me with her Wedding China at approximately the same time, so we sometimes tease her that she bought the sideboard as an excuse to get all that stuff out of HER cabinets and into mine. She … doesn’t deny it.
Anon
Has anyone re-read a childhood book recently and still enjoyed it? I was watching an episode of Dash and Lily last night and they mentioned the book From the Mixed up Files of Mrs Basil E Frankweiler and I just downloaded it on my kindle to read!
Marie
Anne of Green Gables and entire series still warms my heart. I find rereading childhood books very comforting.
Anonymous
Yes! I read Harry Potter again this year (I usually reread every other year or so and it was a great way to distract myself in the early days of the pandemic) and now I’m reading A Little Princess. I also plan to read Little Women so I can watch the new movie afterward.
Anon
Anne of Green Gables, Harry Potter series, The Secret Garden, and a few old books by Elizabeth Enright have been my go-tos. It’s very comforting to read childhood faves this year.
Ribena
I re-read When Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit after Judith Kerr passed away and Matilda when they released the 30th Anniversary editions. Really enjoyed both, and was sobbing intermittently most of the way through Pink Rabbit.
Ribena
Oh yes, and The Secret Garden, because I’m writing a modern retelling of it!
Vicky Austin
Absolutely. Recently I got sucked into the Anastasia series by Lois Lowry, which have aged rather well all things considered. I also reclaimed some middle school favorites like the Princess Diaries and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants earlier this year (books my mom hated when I brought them home from the library – it was so fun to read and enjoy without guilt). And also Anne of Green Gables, Little Women, A Little Princess, the whole nine yards.
Anon
Chronicles of Narnia!
anon
I started Ramona the Pest with my son, and I find it charming and interesting to read from an adult’s perspective.
OP
OP here – oh I used to love the Ramona books as a kid! Good suggestion!
Anonymous
This is a joy of having kids. You reread it all.
Senior Attorney
Amen to this! We had “story time” until my son was in his early teens.
Anonymous
No kids here, but I read whatever I want! It’s great.
KS IT Chick
Little Women. I loved it at 8 and 14 but I was convinced Jo made a mistake. At 48, I understood complete why she would make the decision she did. I also went from adoring Mr March to wanting to scream that he is a horrible role model as a husband and father.
Cat
Oh definitely! I also have way more perspective on Amy reading it in my 30’s than I did in middle school.
Anonymous
Spoilers for Little Women:
Lol. At about 8, I thought it was tragic that Jo didn’t marry Laurie … after I figured out Laurie was a boy’s name … & I thought Beth’s death was beautiful & holy & not sad at all because she went to it so bravely.
anon
A Series of Unfortunate Events! The newer Netflix series is pretty true to the books (at least as far as tv/movies go).
CPA Lady
Pippi Longstockings!
Vicky Austin
Pippi forever.
Anonymous
The Giver
Anon
The Westing Game, love it so much.
Friday
OMG thank you for reminding me about this book! It introduced a whole new world to me: plot twists.
all about eevee
I recently did a summer-long re-read of all my favorite Judy Blume books. Just As Long As We’re Together, Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret, Here’s To You Rachel Robinson, Forever, Summer Sisters.
Hollis
Has anyone followed the story of the former mega church pastor (and former Justin Bieber friend) Carl Lentz being fired from Hillsong Church for a 5 month affair? Nothing in that story was remarkable to me, except the fact that his wife was also fired because the church has a policy that if one spouse is terminated, the other is fired also. That policy seems very wrong to me, as she became a double victim and it’s like saying that his indiscretions taint her as well. I’ve been trying to think of any other place of employment that would have that kind of draconian policy where one spouse is fired just for being married to someone who messes up, and I can’t think of any other jobs like that, except FLOTUS or possibly married spies?
Anonymous
This is common in some churches. My childhood friends parents were ministers in the Salvation Army faith and the church pastors were always a married couple with the man being the main pastor. There was never just one or a question of hiring one but not the other. I think many Pentecostal churches are the same (Hillsong is basically Pentecostal with snazzier branding)
Monday
I’m following the story. Word is that something much worse, or longer-term, must have been going on to trigger his being fired. Pastors have affairs all the time without these consequences. Stay tuned to hopefully find out the real reason!
No idea of any other industry where the spouse is also automatically fired, but I have seen this happen informally/unofficially, where the attached person who is still employed is subtly encouraged to leave.
Anonymous
Maybe being the muse to a band — like if you fire the drummer, you fire the GF who “plays” the tamborine
Anonymous
My guess is that in academia maybe it happens? There seem to be a lot of spousal accommodation jobs there (that for named chair professor, you can lure him to your school if your wife gets a job for the Center of Legal Innovation or some other made-up low stakes job). So if you get rid of the prof (fire for cause), maybe the wife gets the boot, too?
Ribena
Also in boarding schools, houseparents often come as a couple.
Anonymous
The concept of church as an institution is draconian, so it seems to follow that their policies would also be draconian, does it not?
Anonymous
If she is unhappy being treated as merely an appendage of her husband, the answer is not to remain affiliated with Hillsong Church (or any Evangelical church, or most religious bodies of any faith).
anon
True, but that’s no excuse for them to treat her as more of an appendage.
Anonymous
Nah. It is literally living their faith.
Friday
The whole structure of church employment is sexist, IMO. Furthermore, I cannot imagine she would choose to remain in the employ of the church where her husband publicly humiliated her and endure the congregation’s vicious gossip.
anon
She should still get a choice.
Aunt Jamesina
In many churches (particularly those that are evangelical or more conservative), the couple is considered a package deal, but the wife isn’t paid for her services. The fact that the Hillsong’s pastor’s wife was a formal employee is (sadly) an improvement over many churches! It’s just expected that she’ll help with the soup kitchen and host dinners and run a Bible study and help out with Sunday school and and and…
I have a friend whose husband is leaving his job as a pastor due to a crisis of faith. She has always worked outside the church (full time, and far outearns her husband), and while their church has been “understanding” of her work, there are still a lot of expectations heaped on her in her unpaid role as a pastor’s wife. Like being the First Lady, the role is seriously outdated.
Seventh. Sister
I’m so glad that this is not the rule in Episcopal churches, mostly. I grew up in a different denomination where the pastor’s wife was the music director and definitely worked about twice as hard as her husband. She was brilliant and an amazing musician. If she’d been born in a richer family and gone to a conservatory instead of Bible college, she probably would have been the conductor of a major classical ensemble. I adored her, but it was really unfair. At least she did get a salary, though she also took piano and voice students on the side.
Anon
I feel terribly sorry for her but still understand the rationale. The church sees the couple as a unit (no, not necessarily with the wife as an appendage), so having her around means that he’s around, too.
Pastors are expected to have their lives in order because they lead and counsel the flock. Her husband’s adultery is most definitely not her fault, but she’s not in a position to lead other people right now. Whether or not that is “fair” to her, there is an issue of protecting the congregation. I am not saying that she’s dangerous or anything; she’s just not in a position to offer counseling and leadership.
I’ve also seen the other side of this and it gets really icky. Think of the Duggars: promoting themselves as these awesome Christians while their son was molesting people. Their “ministry” was definitely not an official one; however, it was still gross beyond belief to have them held up as spiritual leaders when their own home had such big problems.
I know someone who literally films porn for fun and his wife is all Miss Churchy Church. He got kicked out of the men’s coffee hour; she still does all her stuff. It’s like, maybe instead of running the women’s Catholic book club, you can deal with the fact that your husband recreationally commits mortal sins every single day and is arguably committing adultery? Maybe think for a hot second about how your own issues might influence the way you lead and might make people uncomfortable with joining your groups?
Anon
She could lead a group on making your way through being cheated on. That would have more utility than most of what they preach.
Anonymous
Yikes you have some serious internalized misogyny. Perhaps read some academic feminist works and put down the old fairytale.
Anon
I have read “academic feminist works” and, being a free thinker, am not obligated to agree with them.
Please take your “if you disagree with me, it’s because you’re ignorant and need to be educated” schitck elsewhere. It’s old and tired and went out in the ’70s.
pugsnbourbon
Whoa that’s … an interesting take and not one that is particularly kind to women.
anon
The Duggars are totally different: it was their kid, whose behavior they are responsible for & whom they left with access to their other children. They also covered up his predatory behavior. Wives are not responsible for their husband’s conduct! Especially not conduct that is primarily against them, like cheating!
Anon
To those throwing shade at me: this is not about your cute little pet issues. This about the spiritual well being and salvation of the members of the church. Leading a church is not about feminism, misogyny, self-glorification, or any thing except using one’s gifts for the benefit of the flock. This is not about fairness to the pastor(s). This is not an office workspace or political arena. Work out your feminist issues there.
Just for fun, the APA lists this as a standard of ethical conduct:
“2.06 Personal Problems and Conflicts
(a) Psychologists refrain from initiating an activity when they know or should know that there is a substantial likelihood that their personal problems will prevent them from performing their work-related activities in a competent manner.
(b) When psychologists become aware of personal problems that may interfere with their performing work-related duties adequately, they take appropriate measures, such as obtaining professional consultation or assistance, and determine whether they should limit, suspend, or terminate their work-related duties.”
The idea that people going through personal crises are not competent to give advice to others is well established. What is not well established is the crazy idea that feminism somehow changes that calculus.
all about eevee
Oh dear.
anon
Fortunately, you don’t have to be up to the qualifications of a medical professional in order to lead a small group at church.
Anonymous
If your husband messed up while he was POTUS and you were FLOTUS, you can’t later be elected president in your own right.
anon
Except that you totally can run for president and win the popular vote.
Anonymous
If she knew what was going on and didn’t leave the marriage, she’s culpable.
Anonymous
Can we stop blaming women? Sheesh
pugsnbourbon
Another interesting, not super-kind take. Isn’t the messaging in religious communities that you “tough it out” and “work through it” as a cheated-on wife?
anon
What? How? In many of these faiths, adultery isn’t a justifiable reason for divorce, but even if it was, how is she culpable for two other adults having sex???
Anon
She is allowed but not obligated to leave the marriage.
Seventh. Sister
But some evangelicals don’t believe they can divorce! I wish people would stop blaming women for affairs and coddling the men who have affairs.
Seventh. Sister
I’m following it too – but honestly, this is pretty standard for that sort of church. Places like Hillsong can dress it up all they want with pastors in jeans and secular-sounding pop music to try and fool people, but they are usually deeply patriarchal and antigay. Having the wife stay would be giving a woman too much power. Might give her the idea that she could run her own church without a bunch of guys weighing in and getting the better deal on everything.
Anon
Decoration poll: faux or fresh wreath?
Follow up questions:
Faux: best places to find?
Fresh: do they really only last 3 weeks (according to Google)?
Aunt Jamesina
Fresh for me! I typically get plain wreaths and a bit of garland from our Christmas tree vendor and spruce (heh) them up with ribbon and pinecones from the yard. I’ve also bought them from Trader Joe’s in the past. I would say they last a month-ish. If they get dried out, they still look green for quite awhile after, which isn’t a big deal for the greenery we put outside, but I do compost any indoor greenery at that point so it’s not a fire hazard and isn’t dropping needles all over.
Cat
Fresh, but we hang it outdoors (one on either side of our door), and they last about 5 weeks before the brown sets in.
They dry out faster than that, though. Learned the hard way that fresh wreath on the door itself is a recipe for a shower of needles upon each entry or exit!
Anonymous
Fresh if it’s going outside. Fake, or dried boxwood, if it’s indoor. Some evergreen wreaths shed!
Anon
I’ve never had a problem hanging fresh wreaths outside – make sure you don’t hang it behind a storm door, though!
WFH preference
I am returning to partial work from home. If you had to choose, would you come in MW or TTh? WFH Friday is a thing for everyone now I guess. I am trying to decide which schedule I prefer and have to lock it in with my supervisor today.
Anonymous
MW! It will feel more like the start of a week and get you going with a bang!
Anonymous
Agree!
Cat
I would pick TTh because the psychology of preserving WFH in sweats on Mondays is excellent.
Anonymous
hi! i am feeling out a bit – I got a positive pregnancy test! I am so excited but don’t have a doctor yet – does anyone have a doctor at newton wellesley they like ?
Senior Attorney
Woo hoo! Congratulations and good luck!!
Anonie
Congratulations! What happy news :)
AnonATL
Congrats!! Either post back here tomorrow earlier in the day or on the mom’s side and hopefully you can find a recommendation.
anon
I have to share because I cannot share IRL just yet. I am aiming at a General Manager role and few weeks back, my boss gave me feedback after internal talent discussion that there is a lot of support from the organization and let’s focus now on getting enough visibility for me and getting me into a sales role (mandatory prereq before GM). I proactively reached out to a GM of my hime country with the intention to get to know each other and to discuss any future opportunities in his sales team for me. And the best thing happened! He will have a role and in 3 months from now and would be happy to take me on board. I was surprised but had a call with my boss and he was very supportive. So I guess now I wait and fight hard to get the best conditions (I am 2 levels senior than the new sales role, so it is important to keep the package and grade). I am very excited!
Anon
Yay! So glad for you!!
Anonymous
I am finding it so, SO hard to do any work. I’m so grateful that I have a job that I can do from home, but lately I feel like doing anything beyond lying under a blanket is too much. I think the pandemic is affecting me in ways that I don’t even realize. I’m medicated for anxiety, depression and ADHD, but my meds just aren’t cutting it anymore – I have zero motivation. Hoping that everyone else in the world is also feeling similarly right now, so I will be met with understanding when my work pace isn’t what it used to be.
Anonymous
I am having the same issue and considering asking for ADHD medication. It is not just that I want the medication because pandemic; I identified this as an issue a long time ago but just managed to trudge through without meds until now.
Anon
Wow, this is eerie. I am feeling the same thing. I am also medicated for anxiety, depression, and ADHD. Nothing is cutting it. I am so stressed about the work piling up, but no motivation to do it. I am so stressed an anxious about the state of the US, Covid, a million other things. I just want to take a sabbatical. All I do is lay around and yet I am also extremely sleep deprived. Ugh.