Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Double-Breasted Blazer
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This bold red blazer from Maeve caught my eye as I was searching for some colorful options to brighten up my winter. I love this shade, which is a tiny bit more muted than some of the fire-engine-rred colors that you come across this time of year.
For work, I would probably lean into the preppy-ness of the double-breasted look and pair it with a navy-and-white striped shirt, similar to what Anthropologie has done here, or, if I were feeling bold, layer it over with a white top and some hot pink pants.
The blazer is $170 and comes in plus sizes 16W–26W, standard sizes 00–16, and petite sizes 00P–16P. It also comes in a rainbow of nine other colors, but many are sadly only available in standard sizes.
Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
I love this community and I have been commenting (with a screen name in the past, Anon for the past few years) since 2013 or so. I never thought I would see a member of this community flippantly say “let bygones by bygones” about the Holocaust. It made me realize not everyone has the education about the Holocaust they they should. I don’t want to stir the pot, but this is important enough to bring up one more day.
I agree wholeheartedly. Last time I was in Germany I went to a few Holocaust museums, what stood out the most to me was the propaganda and how it’s the exact same techniques being used today. I always sort of naively assume the women here are good people, but occasionally we get some truly horrific comments that bring me back to reality. This isn’t something of the past, we need to continually do better and learn from history not repeat it.
it’s a reminder that all people can believe and say and do harmful things. Control of the flow of information is a powerful tool, whether that’s in 30s Germany, or 2020 USA or 2022 Russia.
But we are also all capable of learning new things and shifting our views.
I did not see that post, but what makes you frame this as an issue explained by a lack of education?
I agree with you, but also the commenter in question was roundly criticized yesterday and apologized and clarified, so I don’t think we need to go through it again this morning.
I disagree, I think it is important enough to repeat. (I’m not the Anon above)
What drives you to white knight someone who minimized the Holocaust?
While some things are just rehashing or bringing it up for drama, I think it’s not only something worth saying (especially for those who saw it and didn’t return to see an apology) but also critical to point out that now, more than maybe ever, not being mindful on this particular topic isn’t just an oopsie but truly harmful. I assume good things so I assume you are saying this in kindness to the person who posted then apologized. I get it. However I do feel like this then feels dismissive, that a person is being policed about whether they can vocalize being harmed by someone’s words which were hateful, even if that was not the intention.
I know some may see this as another time where a person online is oversensitive to a stranger or meanness for not letting the apology be enough. I get that. At the same time, right now, it’s genuinely not safe for Jewish people. This is very clear and made very clear daily. To come here to a place many love and to be in a room where people feel so safe and to find that, even momentarily, is really impactful.
Personally, I saw it, was horrified, didn’t go back later to re-see it (so I didn’t see the apology). It’s something I thought about hours later because it felt like a sign of just how systemic it is that even a fashion bl0g isn’t safe from antisemitism.
While we move through life, though we can apologize for missteps (and should), I think it is critically important not only that people feel empowered and safe to voice their experience of being harmed but also that each of us witnesses this and each of us realizes that an apology can be accepted without it undoing the hurt it caused.
+100 Holocaust education is needed.
Yes agreed. That comment was horrifying as was the initial one. Catching Nazis is a joy. Putting them in jail in a privilege. And this one didn’t go to jail! I was deeply disturbed to see it. And I don’t think the apology went far enough. It was essentially “oopsies I misspoke” but it wasn’t just the phrasing that was the problem it was the sentiment behind it.
They have the education; they just don’t care. I bet good money, however, that they would happily cancel someone over a benign comment. These things go together.
There’s no such thing as “canceling,” there’s only accountability and boundaries. While some try to argue based on their intention, the harm should be prioritized. When someone chooses actions or words that cause harm and they are called out or removed from situations, that’s not “canceling,” that’s being told they were harmful and that’s people choosing not to be around someone who has caused harm.
People who lose their jobs, and their ability to keep a roof over their heads, is something that should only be done after a legal proceeding… not by a mob. That is not accountability; it’s terror.
You think a legal proceeding should be required before a private company can fire an employee??
Actions have consequences. That’s not terror.
People get fired for arbitrary things all the time. It’s called being an at will employee.
Social media doxxing is modern day stoning and exile.
This is a very good, short (11 minutes), well researched, well presented primer on antisemitism: https://www.law.berkeley.edu/article/berkeley-antisemitism-initiative-campus-educational-video/
Please watch and circulate broadly.
I completely agree. I’m Jewish so maybe I have a different perspective but anti semitism is clearly not taken seriously by a lot of people on this board.
+1 I know the poster apologized but this is worth repeating. Especially given everything going on in the world today.
This is privilege. If anti-semitism or any “ism” doesn’t directly impact people on this board, it is easy to assume it doesn’t really happen.
We can’t let bygones be bygones because the past informs the present and future. Structural white supremacy from our history still impacts the Jewish community and communities of color in the US. Our country was founded by wealthy white men. The Declaration of Independence says “merciless Indian savages”, and Black people were less than fully human at 3/5 of a person in the Constitution. Not to mention women weren’t people either. Changing the legacy of this history takes time and intentional effort to repair harm.
Also, not the OP anon
“Black people were less than fully human at 3/5 of a person in the Constitution”
1.. This is inaccurate. It applied to slaves for the sole purpose of allocating Congressional seats, not to all Blacks for all purposes.
2. The Abolitionists wanted 0 and the slave owners wanted slaves to be counted as full people. The Abolitionists did not want slavery to increase political power of slave owners. The goal of the provision was not a value judgement on slaves – it was saying that your evil should not give you MORE representation and power.
In some states (SC, looking at you), the enslaved population was > than the free population, so this kept slave-holding regions from claiming even more House seats. People bash the Senate as anti-democratic, but if you rewind the clock, it was a very good thing given what was going on at the time.
So both sides’ arguments were rooted in white supremacy. One side wanted to not count slaves at all, the other was actively enslaving people. I am not sure which point you are trying to make with this clarification.
Also, we have promised that we will never forget genocide, and we will never stop persecuting it. People cannot feel there is a statute of limitations and they can just hide out until then and be safe. This isn’t the murder of a single person, where sometimes a saintly surviving family pleads for mercy on behalf of the perpetrator. It was the deliberate and scarily successful attempt to exterminate Jews, Roma, and disabled people from society forever, and tens of millions of their would-have-been grandchildren aren’t here today. We have no right to offer absolution on their behalf.
One thing that is troubling is what seems like soft antisemitism among progressives. Or a hesitation to speak out against it when it’s coming from the left in the US.
there is the problem of conflating all jews with what happens in israel, which really are two separate issues (I say this as a jewish person with holocaust survivor grandparents who is generally supportive of israel, but understands why many disagree with policies in place there)
Or people not getting what “from the mountains to the sea” really means.
Progressives/the left can be critical of Zionism or Israeli policies without being antisemetic. Religious identity isn’t the same as nationbuilding of the State of Israel. My stepdad and (half) siblings are Jewish, and they are critical in this way.
antisemitic* sorry, small phone big fingers.
Yes, you can criticize Israel without being anti-Semitic and in fact most American Jews do not like the government of Israel. But there is also a lot of “soft anti-Semitism” as the other poster put it on the left.
I’m this way. And I think conservatives make a bad faith argument equating criticism of the Israeli government with anti-Semitism, which excuses actual anti-Semitism. I see it on this board and it offends me as much as the comment from yesterday.
Actually, no they can’t. You are just rationalizing their antisemitism.
It’s not even that soft. Since the invasion of Ukraine, I’ve encountered way too many leftists who seem to accept that “not wanting to be conquered by Russia” is a good definition of Nazi even if it applies to someone who is Jewish, and they’re more openly comparing Israel to Nazi Germany as well. It’s shocking and has really made me reassess who my own political allies are.
Meanwhile I’m encountering more and more people on the right who are QAnon light, and the middle in their quest to embrace moderation seems to be tolerating a “moderate” amount of antisemitism as well, so allies aren’t easy to find.
Zelensky is Jewish, no? This line of thinking is batsh*t and it’s so sad that it has any traction (in Russia, I get that, but elsewhere is really bad).
someone posted last week that they had to think twice before putting up their Chanukah decorations because they felt like maybe they were putting a target on their back. look up ‘walt whitman high school antisemitism,’ which is an incident at a school with many jewish kids in a very jewish area of the country
I’m in mod but I’m happy to tell you all about the horror of realizing that the armed police offer at my kid’s JCC daycare was not a townwide safety measure after Sandy Hook, but predated it by years because of multiple credible threats.
I also got to explain to my 10-yr old the history of people believing that Jews drank the blood of non-Jewish babies because he saw it on a Youtube video. That was a fun first night of Hannukah.
I believe the Holocaust happened and was horrible. I understand there is a long history of antisemitism, but I must admit I kind of thought it was like the Roma, which feels like the real prejudice has been gone for at least 100 years or left to limited cultural pockets. I remember reading that Q-Anon is just like the Elders of Zion and thought that seemed a bit off. (I also guffawed when Romney said Russia was a huge threat in 2015 or whenever.) I realize now that was naive, that the anti-semitism is still there and growing.
What makes you assume that prejudice against the Roma has been gone for at least a hundred years, when they also were killed in concentration camps less than 80 years ago?
I think I was wrong about that too, sadly. Remembering now how a previous boss adopted a Roma girl from Hungary because the child wouldn’t be adopted there. (Boss is/was a lesbian so she and her wife weren’t seen as good adoptees in a lot of places.)
When we lived in Germany in the 1990s, my little sister was the only kid on the block who was allowed to (and would) play with the Roma kids who lived down the street. The other German and American kids were ordered to avoid “those bad children who beg” and shunned my sister for associating with them. (My mom is a bit conflict-seeking and decided to buy the kids roller skates instead of playing along with the neighbors.)
That was a long time ago, but not *that* long ago.
Please be less comfortable sharing your ignorance. The idea that prejudice against the Roma is over is patently absurd.
You should probably also learn a lot more about the Roma in 2022, both in terms of policies and in terms of social prejudice. Last I checked the EU’s plan was to “integrate” the Roma people even it requires “a change of mindset” from Roma communities. There are plenty of recent publications on continued discrimination in Europe. And in my experience, many people in Europe and even some people in the USA freely share their strongly held negative opinions about “gypsies” whether they mean Roma or Irish travelers or any other traditionally non-sedentist European culture.
as a point of clarification, prejudice and violence (structural and individual) agains the Roma remains alive and well.
https://news.un.org/en/story/2022/04/1115752
To add to this, I am 1/8 Roma and did not know this until my grandmother died a few years ago because it was A Big Family Secret and something to be ashamed of. My grandmother and her siblings hid their mother’s ethnic background as best as they could their whole lives because of the rampant discrimination.
The prejudice is real and ongoing. In my barely blue SEUS city, as recently as this past August antisemitic flyers papered wealthy, mostly non-Jewish neighborhoods that are in proximity to synagogues and the Jewish Community Center. Similar flyers showed up in the same time frame from Long Island to California.
Same city, June 2020, the Holocaust Memorial was vandalized with hate speech. 2015, shots fired at a synagogue. 1981, attempt to below up a temple. 1958, JCC dynamited.
These are just the “big” incidents. Lesser incidents and micro-aggressions are unrelenting.
But it’s not just those dreadful southerners that many enjoy looking down on. It’s everywhere. Kanye is mentally ill, but that does not excuse his recent hate speech, and it does not excuse the platform and audience for it. People shot and killed in a kosher store in December 2019 in New Jersey. The Tree of Life terror attack in which 11 people were killed while worshipping in October 2018, in Pennsylvania. I could go on and on and on. Bomb threats and hate speech against Jewish people are pervasive in our culture. The smallest of micro aggressions supports and lifts acts of violence.
That’s a very common tactic of the goyim defense league
100% agree. I truly don’t think people realize that antisemitism is both alive and well AND that the holocaust was not that long ago. I’m half/half but making it a point to teach my kid about our Jewish background/ancestry. A few things I’ve told him recently that surprised/shocked him and my Catholic husband – my dad has a very anglo sounding last name and his mom/grandmother insisted none of the kids be bar/bat mitzvah’d as they didn’t want to mark their kids explicitly as Jews. It was always a tradition that any jewelry/furs/small valuable items be passed down to the women in the family – why? women and children were (mostly) spared in the pogroms and his grandmother (my great grandmother) secured passage out of Europe with silver (menorah/plates) and jewelry/furs for bribes to officials and to pay for passage. I work/ed in big Northern cities and have STILL gotten comments (at work!!) about how I ‘didn’t look like one of them’ when talking about celebrating one of the high holy days. And don’t even get me started on the horror of realizing that my kid’s daycare at the JCC had an armed police officer posted and that was NOT a townwide saftey measure post-Sandy Hook, that was because of credible threats – same with the armed police officers posted at the synagogues for every major holiday.
Is anyone else old enough to remember when the movie Schindler’s List came out and how many people lost their minds about it?
I completely agree with you. Better Holocaust education is needed. I have a 22 year old relative who genuinely believes that while it did happen, it wasn’t as bad as we are told, he believes that the numbers could not have possibly been that high. We as a society are collectively failing our young people by not teaching this stuff.
Personally, I made sure my kid started to learn about it as soon as they were old enough to understand the content of the children’s resources I found at the library.
I saw it in the theater as a high school kid. While I grew up in a pretty conservative/rural area, I don’t remember people being critical of the movie. My dad took me into the city to see it, and while he was (and isn’t) the most empathetic person, he was very patient about letting the sobbing teenager cry all the way through the credits. We talked a lot about it afterwards.
I was in high school as well and saw it in theater. My history teacher took the whole class on his own dime and turned it into an entire unit. The movie was banned in some countries, deniers came out of the woodwork…it was all over the news for a while.
That totally makes sense, I was probably in my half-dream world of teenager-dom at the time. Since I love awards season, I remember reading some stuff about how people made anti-Semitic comments about how Spielberg was “playing the victim” by saying he’d be the first Jewish guy if he won the Academy Award for Best Director.
(That was apparently also the year I learned that Jane Campion was the second woman ever to be nominated for Best Director, which came as a surprise to Wee GenX Feminist self.)
It is not a question or letting bygones be bygones but a question of whether putting a 97 year old woman through a trial when she worked as a secretary and had no direct involvement and questionable knowledge was a good idea. (And to be super clear – if she had been an active participant or a decision maker I do not think it would even be a question.)
Frankly I come down on the “yes” side, particularly as there is no question of her serving prison time. But it does raise questions of whether every single German who worked for the government in any capacity during WWII is equally responsible for “aiding and abetting” and the extent to which we hold people responsible for their actions of their governments. That is a valid conversation but not one that we are apparently allowed to have without being accused of being monsters who need education on the horrors of the Holocaust.
Someone literally used the phrase “let bygones be bygones.” That’s what this post was about, not about the discussion of the trial and punishment.
I need a new dopp/toiletries bag. I don’t care if it’s marketed toward men or women. Any recommendations?
I have wildly-colored Cotopaxi one that I adore.
If you don’t mind spending $$, Tumi’s kit was a corporate gift about 10 years ago and it still looks brand new despite a fair bit of work and personal travel. I would never have spent it myself, but I don’t think I’ll ever need to replace it either.
posted on a quiet thread earlier, kindly asking for suggestions again.
I’m looking for a high quality charm bracelet. I did get one reconnection for James Avery but reviews are quite mixed.
looking for simple, silver, not chunky or snake chain and solid quality. I’m willing to spend up to 500$ bit could do higher. it’s a long awaited gift from me to me.
appreciate any suggestions!
have you tried vintage?
There are tons of vintage ones on Posh, including a great golf themed one that got away from me this summer. Look for pictures so you can see if the charms are stamped so that you know if it is silver or just a silvery metal. I accumulated mine the hard way but tons of relatives are emptying out loved ones’ belongings and deciding to sell the charm bracelets.
I don’t like James Avery myself. I like ones that tell a real person’s story with stuff you just can’t buy at the store.
op here
thank you. I’m looking for just a bracelet without charms and have tried etsy but I’ll keep looking there!
open to any other suggestions and off to go through etsy in first day of vacay!
Any jewelry store should have these.
Oh you’re looking for a paperclip bracelet. Try that as a search term. I think Mejuri makes one.
https://mejuri.com/shop/products/oval-link-chain-charm-bracelet-silver
There is an Etsy shop called Mercedes Lane that has a delicate-looking one. Not very expensive. Also there are quite a few shops that sell vintage versions of the one I was given in the 70s as a young teen with kind of woven links.
Ross-Simons have some. I looked there for a gift for my daughter, but we ended up going vintage.
Hilary Druxman (an independent jeweler local to me who specializes in silver) has a number of such, as well as charms. I have this chain: https://hilarydruxman.com/products/55l3. I also have her peace sign, paw, and dog bone charms (the latter stamped with my Rainbow Bridge pupper’s name).
Tiffany has a clasp link one where the links open to add charms—necklace, too. I don’t recall the name or price.
I thought you all would get a kick out of this…Starbucks/conference speaker guy had followed up the text (posted yesterday PM thread) with “What about you, where do you currently stand with relationships and dating?” I took your advice and didn’t respond. Well, last night he texted me from his work phone: “Hey! Did you see my response last night from my personal phone? Just making sure! I hope you had a good day”.
…Yeah, I saw it…loud and clear.
In other news, I got notified via email from Ticketmaster this morning that I secured Taylor Swift tickets (she started a request form process). Will I be screaming “karma is my boyfriend!” from my seat on the 40 yard line? Yes, yes I will.
Either ignore, or say “I’m not interested in playing around, so stop wasting my time.”
Hugs.
Exactly. He’s doing some version of the push-pull and you’re far better off without him.
+1. Boo this man!
SO MUCH YES TO THIS
Ignore and then block both numbers.
I read the thread yesterday but didn’t comment. I disagree a little with the comments that he’s an ass, you should ghost him, etc. People are imperfect and I do think we should give a little grace. From my standpoint, he felt a connection but also wanted to do the “right” thing by letting you know where he was in life. He obviously didn’t do it very well, but that doesn’t mean he’s a total ass. It means he’s just a person, getting back in the dating world, and fumbling a bit. If you were my sister or daughter (since I think I’m much older than you), I’d advise you to meet him with honesty and kindness. Perhaps a text back that said,” I was so surprised by your text that it took me a little bit to know how to respond. I am looking for a more committed relationship, so it sounds like we are at different stages right now. I wish you all the best.”
My perspective is also on of a mother of two older teenage (adult really) boys, who are just as flummoxed with dating as it seems young women are. People do unintentionally get things wrong sometimes, or hold conflicting feelings (connection with you, wariness about commitment right now). It’s not an indictment of their character as a whole.
*from the standpoint of being a mother of…
Ugh no, we got into this mess by constantly making excuses for men. We don’t need to excuse them any longer, they need consequences for being sh*tty.
Compassion is not trending. Calling things (a broad array of similar but not alike things) love bombing is trending. Also trending: blocking without explanation following any misstep. Your real life experience means nothing.
I read this and though exactly that 10:12, and to be clear, Savannah, I agree with you.
Presumably this person is not a teenager. I don’t have any issue with teens and young adults not knowing what they want. They are trying to figure it out! But a grown a$$ man who just got out of a relationship and doesn’t want anything serious needs to say that upfront before anyone goes on a date.
To add, it’s also fine that people have conflicting feelings or are unsure of what they want – the key is to be honest and upfront about it before you go on a date so the other person can make the choice that’s best for them.
“Hey, I feel a great connection with you and would like to get to know you better, but I just got out of a relationship and am not seeking something serious right now. I’d like to meet up and spend time with you, but understand if my situation isn’t right for you.”
+1 people should have a goal when dating, just like anything in life. I’m sick of sloppy men fumbling along. I encountered so many on dating apps. I put “seeking a serious relationship” and would reiterate this upon initial matching. I wasted so much time going on 1-5 or 6 dates with men who then said they weren’t looking for anything serious.
If you want casual dating, that’s fine. State that intention. Go find the women who likewise match your goal.
I think there’s some subset of men who use “I don’t want anything serious right now” to mean “I don’t want anything serious with you” and that’s just as crappy.
‘I don’t want anything serious right now’ always means ‘I don’t want anything serious with you’. Men will get serious with the right person, no matter how bad the timing.
OP here – just to clarify, we are both in our mid to late thirties.
Late thirties = this guy should definitely know better/have his ish together by now. The fact that he doesn’t is concerning, to say the least.
Your first instinct is to say boys will be boys and women should be more accommodating?
Ugh yes this is so disappointing.
And that, Audience, is how Tradwicks come to exist in your workplace, on your dating apps, and in political office!
(Seriously, in the case of teens, it’s possible to empathize and educate while also enforcing that the behavior is never okay and that we do not get to hurt others because we are unclear. One of my life rules in general is “leave other people alone.” In other words, don’t get on an app or ask a person out if you aren’t clear in what you want or if you are unwilling to be clear with the person upfront. Until then, leave other people alone. If you want someone to exist so you can grow and heal via your interactions with them, hire a therapist or a s3x worker or a tutor based on your goals… and again, be upfront about the nature of your expectations and pay for their time.)
I didn’t read it that way at all. And fwiw, women do the same thing. I told more than one guy I wasn’t interested in something serious after a “great”first date too. And let’s stop it with this Tradwick nonsense already.
“I didn’t read it that way at all. And fwiw, women do the same thing. I told more than one guy I wasn’t interested in something serious after a “great”first date too. And let’s stop it with this Tradwick nonsense already.”
Found the person who’s married to or the mother of Tradwick.
And no, we will not “stop it already” because calling out bad behavior by Tradwicks is essential to getting it to eventually stop.
If that is what you read, please get therapy, if OP had texted back that she wasn’t interested in anymore contact initially, he wouldn’t still be texting, this ghosting thing is so juvenile and has nothing to do with “boys will be boys.”
Serious question: why don’t your sons understand dating? Did you not set basic ground rules about decency and not being (in the immortal words of Bridget Jones) an emotional f*ckwit?
Not that OP and I have girls and can confirm that neither they nor their friends (early teens) have any clue. I blame COVID for resetting the clock 2ish years and also the lack of other voices (teen girl magazines) other than mine. My city was wildly oversubscribed for “Promenade” type classes this year to try to get some other adults and high schoolers modeling good social manners for kids (eating a fancy meal, basic dancing). One kid’s class had a TON of boys vs the number of girls and a lot of moms were roped in to even things out.
Do you not understand dating? Dating is not committing to having a relationship. You can date even if you are not looking for a serious relationship. Or you can think you are ready and then go out on some dates and realize you are not ready. It’s just dinner or drinks or whatever. Then you talk about where you want to go from there.
I’m with anon at 137. I think if you let yourself get attached to the point of ghosting or telling some to lose your number when they decide it’s not working after a date or two you’re kind of missing the point of dating. Also if you can’t take “not looking for anything serious,” a gentle euphemism for “I’m just not that into you” that is common enough to be a cliché, for what it is, you’re missing the point. This is not some great awful scheme to mislead you. This is a guy who is no longer interested in pursuing a relationship and he’s allowed to change his mind.
I am wondering how your parents raised some of you. Was he expected to keep stringing her along once he decided he wasn’t going forward with anything serious. Have none of you started out too fast and then wanted to put on the breaks? Wow.
God, I hope you’re teaching your children to be better than this dude’s parents did. OP doesn’t owe this man a lesson in how to be a good person.
I feel bad for the op but it seems like he may have just lost interest and thought that “not looking for anything serious” was gentler than “don’t see us in a real relationship, maybe hook up buddies?” It’s crummy but it’s not like he slept over and stole jewelry to pawn or made disparaging comments about her or stood her up for a date. Maybe I give men too much of a pass but this seems like a burgeoning relationship that one person was no longer into, not “lose my number” type of stuff.I definitely would have felt suffocated and broken off any relationship that moved this quickly too. Probably not with the most honest explanation.
If this is the worst thing you’ve encountered while dating, you’re very lucky.
“It’s crummy but it’s not like he slept over and stole jewelry to pawn or made disparaging comments about her or stood her up for a date.”
If this is seriously your low-bar criteria for male behavior – wow, is all I can say. That bar really is in h*ll.
“Maybe I give men too much of a pass ”
Yep, you suuuuuure do.
Agree with this and also, while I feel for op, I really think a certain about of skepticism is healthy when dating. I guess some of you met your partners and were instantly inseparable but that was not my experience, nor would it have been desirable. Things are supposed to build. Anyone who genuinely liked me and wasn’t worried about coming on too strong was such a red flag to me when I was dating. It could be that I’m not the catch that op and a lot of you are but if a guy was instantly texting all day or making plans months out after just a few dates something was really off in my mind, he didn’t even know me yet!
A stalker ex came on really strong. My husband and I talked about marriage on our second date and I got on a plane to meet his parents three months into dating.
So… I have a lot of sympathy for women who struggle to figure out if he’s nuts or her One.
LMAO. No.
I would respond this way because of the professional connection. I tend to agree that people are complicated, it it doesn’t really matter if he’s Ted Bundy or a lost lamb, this relationship isn’t going to work. However, you are going to see him again and you never know where. This is a great response that preserves your dignity and keeps things professionally normal. I hate the Tradwick trope going around here, it’s amusing in the right context but I’ve also been around long enough to see that industry dating is a very small world. Play the long game. I’m so sorry this didn’t work out, it sucks, but do what you can to exit well.
I agree. And I think this is a great response.
I didn’t see the thread yesterday, but I personally wouldn’t ghost him completely, since you met him through work and you will likely run into him in the professional context again.
She doesn’t owe him a response. If she sees him again, she can be polite and greet him just like she would any other casual business acquaintance. You don’t owe texts to business acquaintances. I bet she doesn’t text with most of them!
Omg, have any of you worked for more than a few years? You will actually run into people again and while no, you don’t “owe” anyone anything, it’s a good idea to be civil.
I’ve worked nearly 20 years and hold an executive position. Still wouldn’t text Tradwick back.
Also been in the workforce almost 20 years and wouldn’t text him back. I’d be perfectly civil next time I met him in a work context, but this is personal. There’s no need to reply.
Not replying is not uncivil.
She can be civil and polite in person without texting back. Texting about dating is intimate and doesn’t indicate the transition to a purely professional level of engagement in the future.
I agree. I responded yesterday that perhaps I have too much pride but I’d be way too embarrassed to not respond or to write something that indicates how hurt and disappointed I am. Op will see this cad again and I can’t imagine she wouldn’t want to save face.
+1. This was a crappy experience for the OP but we are talking two dates here. Should he have conducted himself as he had if he wasn’t ready for a new relationship? No. But it sounds like he didn’t entirely realize that’s where he was emotionally. Honestly, I’ve been in a similar myself.
+1 it totally sucks for OP but it was two dates! Like it’d be great if he’d been more up front but also it’s not totally crazy that he didn’t realize he wasn’t ready for a relationship until after the dates. Or that he didn’t automatically equate going on a date with definitely open to a relationship.
Some of the responses here make it seem like this dude dragged OP along for months!
It totally sucks for OP but my goodness I don’t think this guy is the devil people are making him out to be. There are plenty of actual jerks out there.
Yes, some of them are posting in this thread.
I agree with this response in its totality.
This. They had two dates. You don’t decide if you want a relationship before you date someone – that’s the whole point of dating – getting to know someone. Some men don’t have themselves and what they want figured out, just like many of us don’t. That doesn’t make them users or bad people.
There’s constantly posts on here about not owing a guy an explanation if you don’t want to keep seeing each other after a couple days. Here he is literally giving an explanation and that makes him a bad guy?
He just got out of a long distance relationship, it’s not weird or shady to be giving someone a heads up that you don’t want to jump into another one even though you had a nice time together. I’ve done LDRs both successful and not, he’s smart to be cautious and upfront about where he is- they are hard Af. Y’all would be saying it was just as weird if he was like ‘I don’t want a LDR’ before they had even had a good date.
+10000 the takes on this thread are super weird and double standard-y
I’m really sorry for OP. This totally sucks. But also the guy did what I think we regularly advise women to do. And lament that men don’t do.
Maybe people are conflating this too much with online dating experiences. I think it would have been different if they’d met online and his profile suggested he was looking for a serious relationship. But In real life most people don’t go around to people they just met stating what they are or aren’t looking for.
Also I’m a bit surprised that apparently no one on this board has experienced a change in feelings or thinking you were ready for something initially and then realizing once you start down that path that you aren’t actually ready.
Agree. Maybe that’s why we get so many women posting about their absolutely terrible husbands. Maybe they went on two dates and think after acting interested they can’t break it off because that’s somehow unforgivably awful.
Uh what? You don’t ask someone out on a date, flirt with them, send them daily flirty texts, suggest you visit another state together, and make out if you aren’t looking for a relationship. You don’t do ANY of those things before telling the other person you aren’t looking for a relationship.
Seriously? You think people have to decide if they want a relationship BEFORE they had a date? They texted a bit and had a great date, he let her know he doesn’t want something serious. Maybe if he was super into her he would.
It’s not that complicated or dramatic.
You have to tell someone you are not looking for a relationship before you flirt with them? What?
How do you know if you want a relationship or not until you date someone? Everyone knows ‘not ready for a relationship’ is a kinder way of saying ‘not interested in a relationship with you’.
Anon at 1.:45 – lol. Does he have to marry her now? At what point is he allowed to break it off?
Umm, yeah, you do.
You don’t make out if you aren’t looking for a relationship?! What century are you living in?? I’m an old married 40-something and I was a bit of a prude when I was dating, but even I made out with lots of guys I didn’t want to date!
Awesome about the T Swift tickets!!
I am going to tell you a story that you can care about or not. When I got out of a multi-year relationship, I said some dumb stuff about not wanting to be serious to the guy I started dating right after. He didn’t totally ghost me but he told me why he wasn’t going to be in touch anymore (basically, we were having a great time and if you don’t want to be with me, it’s your loss). Then, he stopped reaching out. His saying that (and meaning it) really opened my eyes about what I was doing. I started therapy, apologized, and we got together again. We were serious after that. We got married a few years later. I only say this to say that maybe a quick response to let him know his head isn’t on right before not answering him anymore would be worth it. Even when I didn’t know we’d end up married, I was grateful to him for letting me know I was being a jerk because it pushed me to get better.
I dated a guy who “wasn’t ready for a serious relationship” but wanted to keep seeing me. I told him I was not interested in that nonsense and stopped spending time with him. A few months later he got his head on straight and we started dating for real. We celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary this year.
Right right cute anecdotes ladies, but it is 100% on the guy the OP was seeing to pull his head out of his you-know-what, get himself together and get back in touch to apologize to her and then see if she’s still interested. She does not owe him sh*t and she also is not responsible for managing his emotional state. I find it really weird I should have to say this here.
Also: life does not turn out like a Hallmark movie every time. Some of y’all have read way too many romance novels and it shows
I don’t think telling him “sorry, I am not looking for a FWB situation, bye” is managing his emotional state. It is the civil, adult thing to do. Then block him if he persists.
Ugh, he sounds like he wants a penpal! OP, so sorry to hear this disappointing ending and I agree with others that you should not reply. If you see him in person in the future I’d be cordial, like the date really didn’t mean anything to you and he’s just another guy.
In case you’re interested in an instagram follow or podcast, Tinx talks a lot about dating and lovebombing that you may find helpful.
Well, he’s certainly doubling down on demonstrating who he is.
Hugs, and will be screaming with you in spirit. Enjoy the concert!
Ugh god damn Tradwick, no ability for personal reflection as usual.
“JohnBob, I got your message. Frankly I’m not interested in wasting my time on someone who was happy to start dating me but now doesn’t want a relationship but still wants to be in contact. Please don’t contact me again.” And block him.
It was ONE DATE. Yes? I’d encourage some exploration by OP about putting so many hopes and expectations on someone they had really only just met (and yes, I’m including the pre-date conversations).
How do you know if you want a relationship with someone before you go on a date? WTAF
He doesn’t want a relationship *generally*, not with her. It’s one thing if he isn’t that into her. It’s another to know he isn’t in the space to be into anyone, at all, and still date without being up front immediately and setting expectations accordingly.
Oh please – he broke up with someone, thought he was ready to move on and realized he wasn’t and didn’t want another LDR. ‘I don’t want a relationship right now’ always means ‘I don’t want a relationship with you’. Maybe if it was the right person in his own city he would be ready.
People are allowed to think they are ready then change their minds. Women on here do it all the time. Men are also human.
“Lose my number.”
I’m torn on this one. Newly Learning Boundaries Me might say nothing because I’m not required. Newly Learning to Voice My Feelings Me might respond with something like, “I appreciate your honesty though I wish you’d have told me this before asking me on a date and then talking on our date about planning future trips with me. It hurt my feelings to learn you weren’t interested in what you made it seem like you wanted. I enjoyed our interactions but don’t see a reason to continue to invest in someone who isn’t looking for what I am. Best wishes!”
I think it might depend on whether I needed to service my “not wasting my time” self or my “I need to practice voicing and honoring my experience when someone’s actions hurt me” self.
Also, if you bump into him somewhere, I would just not approach or acknowledge. If he does, treat him like a stranger; not cold or rude but not personal in any way, keeping interactions professional and redirecting any personal questions back to professional.
Mostly though, I am so sorry this is happening to you and I absolutely think TS tix are your karma and that she is the perfect one for getting past this experience. Sing out and sing proud, ya bad@ss!!
I don’t owe people who don’t care about me an explanation and he’s practically assigning a response as a task to you. No thanks. At most, which I would 90% not even send, would be something like “yeah, I saw it” and then no more after that, further. But no response is indeed a response.
Does this guy think his text got lost in the mail? Of course she saw it! He just wants OP to say something reassuring that makes him feel better.
Gently, you post too often and your posts are too long. You’re all over every thread. Dial it back a little.
I strongly disagree with this Anon poster and appreciate all participation from Dr. The Original.
Anon, have a little respect for people who choose to use persistent handles, thereby opening themselves up to criticism from those of us who do not. And stop reading things you don’t want to read on the internet.
+1
+1, this is a weird thing to be annoyed by.
+1 this was an aggressive, mean and weird take
Dr. The Original’s advice is always the most thoughtful, insightful, and profound on any thread. I’d have to pay a therapist $140 an hour for similar levels of insight. The fact that she gives it for free is something many, many of us are grateful for.
So sorry you are an unhappy person. That’s not her problem and please don’t take it out on her.
+1
Gently, maybe try contributing something of substance so you can also get positive reinforcement here. Your jealousy is showing.
Lol, jealous of what? Being long-winded and self-important?
I would guess you’re jealous of her since she’s obviously a very kind, loving, thoughtful person who’s done a lot of work on herself, and you’re obviously pretty snarky and unhappy. I’d be mad to see posts that reflect a level of depth and compassion I couldn’t begin to replicate too.
Just FYI, you sound miserable and I hope you don’t bring this energy into your real life. Please don’t bring it here either.
+1 – wish I could collapse them. Very overwrought.
Using “gently” when you actually just want to say something b!tchy is giving middle school energy. “Gently” it’s pathetic. Grow up.
100 – my 8 year old does this. Her version is ‘not to be rude but’. I sat her down and explained it is not a get out mail free card for saying any rude thing you want.
Gently, Anon at 11:21, you’re mean, wrong, and pathetic to boot. Dr. The original is one of the best things about these comment threads.
Sounds like he’s fishing for a FWB situations. Unsubscribe.
I would just send a quick text saying yes, I received it, I’m sorry to hear we’re in different places, best of luck.
I think this is the best response.
+1 This is what I would do in real life, not online
+2 – this is spot on
Yes
Why not just say “Yep, I saw. Thank you for clarifying; I think we’re at really different places right now. Best of luck out there.” a) it’s a grown up response and b) you will likely see him again (or maybe need a referral or something for him for work). don’t burn your bridges.
Would edit to remove “right now,” as it seems to make your polite brush-off conditional to him.
I would leave the “right now” if she likes him and would be interested in dating if he comes to his senses.
In that case, would you be interested in hearing about the bridge I have for sale?
She should not be interested in dating him in the future because he’s in his late 30s and still pulling these kinds of stunts. At this point, that leopard ain’t gonna change its spots.
I hope you have a great time at the concert but I have to say I am always baffled that women struggling with dating and relationships participate in the cult.following of a woman who is clearly terrible at dating and relationships, so much so that she has albums and albums of material that read like the diary of an angsty teen who can’t keep a boyfriend I get that Swift frames all her sad sad stories as a victim and villain and thus they feel like anthems for the sullen but is no one peeling back the layers to see that sometimes, when there is failure after failure, you are the problem? I think there is a song about that but yet like NXiVM followers charmed by Raniere’s occasional admissions of imperfection, you all go back for more and more from your cult leader sending you down a questionable path.
I used to belt out Sinead O’Connor and Alanis’s You Ought to Know and some other things (Eponine’s ballad On My Own). It’s just cathartic. Not using them as role models.
eh, does she truly see herself in that way or is it a very successful brand? How can anyone know.
This is a good point. It’s why I will never be cast in the Real Housewives of My City — if I brought the drama, it would just be a big old act for TV. I used to act! And I bet I could flip a table better than Teresa Guidice. But how I roll IRL is very vanilla.
Taylor Swift has been dating the same person since 2016, and I suspect she’s still writing breakup songs about John Mayer because that’s where the $$ is. (No shame; girl’s gotta hustle.)
+1 seems like she’s in a happy relationship (that she very deliberately keeps private) and is also a very savvy marketer.
She knows what sells
Taylor Swift has been in a relationship for like 6 years? This is a weird comment anyway even if she hadn’t but facts are also fun. (Also, a woman whose first album came out when she was a teenager has songs that sound like they were written by an angsty teen – because they were! Shocking!)
….. I don’t think that people view Taylor Swift as some sort of relationship coach, or leader. And I think you know that.
Yeah, it would be a very strange world if everyone looked to their favorite musical acts as role models for relationships! I really think the OP just mentioned the concert as a fun, blowing off steam event she is looking forward to? Nothing deeper than that?
Maybe or maybe it’s being framed incorrectly. She writes and produces and now owns everything she creates, is known for being a great person to work for, and she’s clearly got the marketing thing down. Enjoying her music because so many have experienced breakups or sadness doesn’t mean someone is in a cult (which is a real thing with real trauma involved). Plus, if you look at how many men write songs about relationships, TS isn’t unique in doing so, which typically ends up being that the view of something being wrong with her doing it is misogyny not a sign that she’s an outlier of a “songwriter or singer who focuses on relationships.” Also, she’s got 2 songs on her newest album where she discusses just this and past songs on past albums where she acknowledges how people perceive her this way.
I don’t have a dollar in this game, I just feel like it’s an odd choice to criticize someone for their music choices, not only because that’s so personal but because this specific situation is a person who has gone through something crummy and who is sharing something she is excited about. Why rain on someone else’s parade just because you don’t want to march in it?
Whenever anyone says to me that Taylor Swift only writes songs about relationships, I ask them to name any song that is not about relationships between humans, and then I wait. :)
This! There’s a lot of sexism too. All of Harry Styles songs are also about relationships but people don’t harp on it the way they do with Taylor.
the element song!!
Taylor has been in a very private relationship for 6+ years now so I’m not sure why you think she sucks at dating and relationships. She wrote most of her angsty woe is me songs as a teen and young 20 something.
Yeah but in fairness if she’s queer and not out it adds a layer of complication to all relationships.
LOL her latest big hit literally has a lyric that says, “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me”
Taylor Swift is 34 now, not the teenager she was when she got famous. Other people grow up and so did she. This is the weirdest response ever, to blame Taylor Swift for a generation of relationship problems?
I am probably going to get flamed for saying this but I think ghosting him and not responding sounds juvenile. You went on one date! I understand it was one long, very good date, but maybe he does like you and is a little freaked out about that first date being so intense and maybe thinking you immediately want to get serious. Even I felt overwhelmed just reading about your date! I am not saying you need to keep seeing him (that is up to you) but at the very least I would text him back and say something like “thank you for being honest. I enjoyed our date but it sounds like we are interested in different things in a relationship right now”.
They texted for a month and he was planning out of state travel with her.
I still think she took it too seriously.
And now he is all “pls confirm receipt of my brush-off with overtures of if you are open to FWB b/c we have such a connection.”
Yeah I agree, and I’m surprised at so many people assigning ill intent where it just seemed like he had a connection and didn’t realize he wasn’t ready for it until after he explored it for a bit. Which sucks! But as a dating thirty-something this doesn’t rise to the level of “don’t respond, just ignore” to me. It is definitely bad dating form to say lets keep talking, for sure, but I don’t think it costs her anything to text back “I saw your message, good luck in the future” and move on with her life.
I agree with this take. It was one date. And they met professionally. This is actually why online dating is easier, there’s less buildup and more of an expectation things won’t progress past a first date. He probably had fun, likes OP, doesn’t want to date her. That’s okay. Disappointing for OP, but okay. Act like an adult and respond, there’s great scripts on here already.
I agree with this. They went on one really long date. I think his being up front with her shortly after is a good thing. I would respond with the cues from the poster above.
This. Date 1 went too far and he is freaking out and pulling back. He is trying to tell you what he thinks he wants. Your turn to tell him what you want.
Yeah, I hate to assume bad faith on his part, since it sounds like you both had a really good time, and he’s following up with you and had been thinking about other activities with you in mind. I would also try to be civil and be honest that you did have a good time, you felt like you connected really well, you’d be fine taking things slow (if you are) but that you are looking for a long term relationship right now, and if he’s not, then it’s not going to work. See how he responds to that.
One million percent agree with this take.
HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I love this. This made my morning. The silence is thunderous. Keep giving him the cold shoulder. He knows he screwed up. And I LOVE your good karma about the tix. My sister was devastated to be so close and yet fail during the presale.
I was on the thread yesterday saying that personally I would ghost, but OP should do whatever she feels. I don’t see why commenters today are advising that she do anything she doesn’t feel like doing (like compose a diplomatic response, or even plan for a scenario in which he is somehow marriage material later on?) The guy did whatever he was feeling at the time, and continues to do so. Why should OP hold herself to a higher standard, when she’s not the one who caused confusion in the first place? As we’ve said, they had one date, and they’re both adults. If she’s out, she’s out. His flailing texts just show that he expected continued warmth and reassurance from her, which he isn’t entitled to.
I probably would send one message now to put it to rest. But again, this is totally up to her.
Some of y’all really give men a pass on this stuff! He doesn’t deserve any congratulations for his sudden “honesty” – isn’t honesty like the base level of what we should expect? If you want to reply, something like “yes I saw your message, that’s not what I’m looking for so let’s leave it there, good luck!” would suffice. He sounds like he’s looking for a FWB situation. The benefits (to him) of a relationship with none of the commitment.
+1 it’s called breadcrumbing. He is dangling himself out there hoping she’ll bite for gardening after their makeout sesh. “Did you see my text?” c’mon. That isn’t someone who wants to have a civil professional relationship.
I mean if nothing else this response functions as an unsubscribe right?
Ooh “unsubscribe” would be a great response!
Personally I think men and women act the same. Sometimes you have a good time but get the vibe that the other person is way more into you than you are them. So you let them down easy, or you try to, I’ve said a version of OP’s dude’s text a zillion times. Never was looking for a FWB, just trying not to be a jerk.
I know what you mean, and I’m sure you handled it better than this dude. But why is he texting earlier in the day about taking a trip with OP then a few hours later saying he doesn’t want a relationship? If you’re just not that into them that’s perfectly fine, but don’t pretend you’re thinking about plans you have no intention of keeping.
Somehow, I doubt that women are handling this better! Scroll down a little further, and you’ll see the person who isn’t able to use their words to explain. They are high risk and don’t want to socialize. Lots of dropping hints and wondering why they aren’t received.
Eh, I was no saint. I just don’t believe in dating as charity work. I’d break up when I realized I wasn’t into him. Did I use wispy washy language and ask to still be friends? You bet I did omfg occasion. Had I gone on long dates, made future plans and even, gasp, gardened? Yes, yes I had. It is why it’s called dating and not called marriage.
Ugh, the amount of you willing to give men a pass and make excuses for their crap behavior and even raising them to act like this is super depressing.
Ugh, the amount of you willing to deny men a complicated emotional response after a good connection and one date.
LMAO. Tell me you’re a tryhard pickme without telling me.
+1 this reads very pick-me pick-me I’m a cool girl, I’ll bend over backwards for scraps of affection
yes exactly. But I also wouldn’t make a big deal out of it; the majority of men I dated when I was single acted like this. This is one of the many reasons that I don’t believe in long first dates and extended texting/phone calls before meeting. It gives a false sense of closeness and getting too invested in a guy who has not earned it. A guy acting like this after 1 date wouldn’t have even merited me telling my gfs about it, it’s such a non-event. I just sent a nice message and blocked, I don’t do emotional labor for randos. The majority of the time that men make up excuses like this is because they aren’t that into you, but even if he’s really just having a “complicated emotional response”, it’s not your problem. If he really wants to he can work on himself and grovel for your attention a year later or whatever.
Hardly! In a long marriage, but I know how to use my words, and I know how to let other people use theirs. Men aren’t the adversary. Bad behavior is. Being honest after 1 date is what people should be seeking. For some reason, many of the “online dating sucks!” people here have pitchforks out instead.
So what if he has a complicated emotional response, is OP not allowed to also have complicated emotions and choose not reply? Why is it her job to make him feel better about his emotional unavailability? Why must we coddle these men? He said he doesn’t want a relationship, that’s fine, she doesn’t owe him anything, and it’s perfectly normal and understandable for her to be upset by this whole situation.
I don’t think any of us are saying she has to manage his emotional response but civilly return a response that the text message has been seen. I mean geez. Just say thanks for your honesty. We want different things. Good luck.
Seems like the dating world is so ridiculously adversarial. This guy seems like he was actually trying. And it’s not his fault if she became more attached then it’s probably a good thing after a couple of conversations and one date.
This is my take as well.
I don’t think he’s evil for sending the first text. Not great, but not evil for realizing he was moving too fast or that he’d been leading her on or whatever happened.
But she also doesn’t owe him any kind of response or comforting or anything else! She can be sad or mad about the treatment, because it did suck.
Where he crosses into “omg get out of my life” territory is the follow up. He can have complicated emotions. She can too. No need for him to try to badger her into a response. That’s annoying at best.
That’s what I’m heated about, in regard to this discussion.
The whipsawing between “well she shouldn’t have gotten that excited because it was only one date” and “she should craft a carefully-worded response so she doesn’t hurt his feelings and also, leave the door open in case she wants to date him again” is BLOWING.MY.MIND. Both of those things come back to 1. this is OP’s fault for being “too emotional” and “getting attached too fast,” aka, sexist BS and B. it’s somehow still her job to manage HIS emotions and worry more about how HE feels and how HE will react in this situation.
Continuing to not respond is, IMO, 100% the best way to handle this. There is no excuse or explanation that he could give that would make up for gassing her head up and then being like “oh by the way babe I’m just not looking for anything serious right now.” 100% agree he is trying to turn this into a FWB situation or at least get her to garden with him once, after which HE’D probably ghost. Ask me how I kno- actually, I’ll just say how I know: this happened to me, in my dating days (20+ years in the past at this point), and I’ve seen it happen over and over again to women I know in their dating adventures.
So many women here are married to substandard man-babies and they seem to think everyone else should make the same compromises they’ve made just to be able to say they’re married. I know this will surprise many people, but not everyone thinks being single is a fate worse than death. I would rather die than be married to some of the men I’ve seen described here in the “help me fix my relationship” comments.
I also think that the person here who keeps insisting that it’s okay to tolerate headgaming, gaslighting, juvenile hijinks, and other subpar behavior from grown men because “you have to give people a chance” and hey, they might turn out to be moderately okay as partners in that they probably won’t beat someone to death for changing the channel needs to check herself. Some of us married women here are married (and stayed married) because we learned our lesson from dating the dregs of humanity (and man, I dated the DREGS) and when we finally met a decent adult male we knew what we were looking at. Every guy who pulled this kind of “let me woo you like we’re in a Hallmark movie and then say I don’t want anything serious” stunt with me – or with my friends – turned out to be super-toxic and a time-waster. Some of us learned to spot immature time-wasters pretty quick. For those who didn’t learn that lesson – my sympathies to you.
Clearly they want different things. Her lack of response is a response. She doesn’t need to continue the back and forth that he is trying to initiate. She isn’t obligated to respond to his three (!) messages all saying that it isn’t going anywhere. He is beating a dead horse, probably hoping to have FWB situation.
Thank you to the recommendations about depression yesterday – I pushed myself to go to the gym this morning and it didn’t work brilliantly but it was definitely better than not going to the gym. Got rid of some of the stress in my body at least. I wish I could have gone for longer, but something is better than nothing.
I’ll also look into my iron levels. I take vitamin D but I’ve been iron deficient in the past and it definitely made me feel a lot more tired.
Good for you! I have such a hard time motivating myself to exercise. You are my inspiration today!
I didn’t see yesterday’s posts yet but great job! winter, time changes and dark days make it tough. here rooting for you!
I would suggest a simple room thermometer with humidity levels, they are usually 2 for 10 on the river site. low humidity and my chronic dehydration make winter harder!
Woo hoo! Thanks for the reminder that exercise always makes me feel a little better even though I never want to do it beforehand.
Something is always better than nothing! Way to go. :)
Excellent! Rinse and repeat. You can do other things eventually but this alone, done repeatedly, is a great start and will create that kinetic energy you will need to take on more eventually!
Something is infinitely better than nothing. Well done!
Way to go! Hang in there, you’ve got this!
This is awesome! It reminds me of my rule that I just have to get onto the yoga mat, and whatever happens after that, happens.
For what it’s worth, a note: I take vitamin D, too! Apparently sometimes the “standard” dose is not enough, depends on the body.
Good job! My exercise motto is consistency over intensity. I have an elliptical machine at home and some days I tell myself “just do 10 minutes.” Lots of times I’ll end up doing more. Congratulate yourself on taking steps to take care of yourself!
Yesterday when I took my usual shower, I realized my cheeks looked a little funny when I got out. They were bright red and when I looked closer, they were kind of raw. Almost like I had some sort of ??chemical burn. And they did feel a little tender. I put some aquafor on them and they are still a little irregular (now dry) today.
Never seen this before. Didn’t use anything different on my face in the shower, and used a clean facecloth. I use Ponds to clean my face. Usual shower – longish with warm water, but not longer than usual. Only the cheeks seemed to be affected.
I ask because I am in the process of a work-up for an auto-immune disorder…. If it happens again, I think I’ll send my doctor a note. I don’t have any major skin disorders but life long cystic acne and my skin has always had red undertones at baseline.
I have an album on my phone of selfies and other photos of my visable symptoms for a suspected auto-immune I’m addressing slowly with my doc. I hope it doesn’t happen to you again (!) but if it does, consider taking some photos so the doc can see what you mean, take notes with the photo, etc.
I have a crap memory for important things like this, and doing this has helped a lot when I go to explain the symptoms and impact later.
Ahhh…. this is so smart. I can’t believe it never occurred to me to do this! Thank you so much for this practical suggestion. And you are right… it is so easy to forget the details.
Thanks again.
Happy to share the idea, I hope it helps! It started because I kept texting photos to my husband asking “WTF is wrong with me?!” and he kept–wisely–saying “ask your doctor!” Thus the “Wtf is wrong with me” album was born. Helps me remember, and avoid low-key inadvertantly gaslighting myself…like, “yes, there IS something wrong with you, Pompom; you didn’t make that up! Here’s the proof!”
Any chance it’s wind burn? That’s exactly where and how windburn shows up.
Or frostbite? This is what happened to me when I got minor frostbite.
+1 sounds like windburn to me
Wow – this is a new one to me. I live in Chicago but am mostly at home these days and wasn’t outside very long at all. It’s in the 20s but not that bad. But very interesting. I will definitely consider this.
I have mild rosacea triggered by wind and cold weather and that is what my cheeks look and feel like when I’ve been outside in winter – a possibility? (Like I hiked the other evening for 40 minutes as the sun set and the wind picked up and the next day I was red and flaky and warm in my cheeks!).
Thanks. I was hoping someone with rosacea would post.
I haven’t had rosacea previously, but with the little I know about it, I wondered whether the hot water in the shower could suddenly “trigger” it, and could it look as raw as a chemical burn. But it sounds like with you, it would pop up spontaneously and/or triggered more temporally by cold? Not triggered by the shower/warm water?
Another rosacea sufferer and that was my thought too. Especially outside in cold weather and then into a hot shower.
OP, try to take less hot showers. Warm is ok but turn it down a bit. And don’t put your face under the stream of water if you can avoid it, or at least not from long. I usually try to wash my face in the shower by splashing it as if I were washing at the sink.
Thanks for this. Yes, I was worried someone would say less hot showers. I am already too cold in the shower and wish it was hotter!
But I will follow your advice and especially avoid hot water on my face. Maybe just wash my face before I get into the shower….
I know what you mean by feeling cold in the shower but I fixed that by using a little space heater in my bathroom so the room is warm. It makes the whole showering experience much warmer.
Wow – what a great idea – to use the space heater. It’s funny how I would never ever mention feeling cold in the shower as a “problem” that needed solving, and your idea sounds perfect. I will look for a small space heater. Thank you!
Thanks again. I just bought this one – recommended on Wirecutter – for the bathroom.
So cheap!
https://www.lenovo.com/us/en/p/accessories-and-software/home-appliances/home-appliances_heaters/78141372?orgRef=https%253A%252F%252Fwww.google.com%252F
Great! Hope it helps. I just start mine a few minutes before the shower and then it’s toasty when I get out.
In addition to less hot and shorter showers, I wash my face with cool water before getting in the shower and put on moisturizer. I try not to actively let warm shower water run down my face. The moisturizer seems to help with the post-shower redness.
Were you outdoors? I get this the next day sometimes if I’ve been walking in wind or cold. IWhen it’s allergic response for me, it’s usually there shower or not and longer lasting (several days) and also tends to start to get bumpy.
Interesting. I wasn’t outdoors much at all – just getting in/out of car, and a short walk.
But I am allergic to a lot of environmental allergens (lots of animals – cats/dogs/horses/mice etc.. and lots of plants/pollens/molds etc..) but usually winter is symptomless.
I will definitely keep this in mind. I guess it is always possible I have developed an allergy to something new, although as you say – I would expect that it might be more persistent/less triggered by heat, and maybe more widespread. Why just the cheeks…
Send a note/pic to your doctor.
Signed,
Someone who was sure she didn’t need to see a doctor. Spouse insisted and was totally right.
Do you tell the bride or MOH if you’re super early pregnant on a bachelorette trip? I got a positive pregnancy test and I’m scheduling with the doctor to confirm. The trip is in two weeks.
Yes, I would. FWIW, right after my + tests, I got super tired, like in bed by 7 hormonally tired, which is not like non-first trimester me AT ALL. That, plus the not drinking, plus the maybe throwing up, would be good to know so they can maybe adjust any expetations of you winning the riding the mechanical bull contest.
Why would you make the bachelorette trip about you and your pregnancy announcement? Just tell the bride before.
? OP is wondering whether to give a quiet heads up that she’ll be pg for the trip, not announcing while there…I vote yes.
This is how I took it also.
This is the least charitable take possible. She’s not gonna broadcast it to the bridal party, she’s trying to give the MOH and bride a heads up that she won’t be drinking.
Telling someone that you’re pregnant is hardly making a bachelorette party about someone. I think it’d be really weird to hide it if you don’t feel compelled to do so – like, why? Isn’t it weirder to be all cagey about why you’re not drinking? Everyone is going to know if it’s not your typical behavior.
Yes, because I share happy events with my best friends. Not because you have some bachelorette related obligation to do so. I do not subscribe to the first trimester rule for close friends.
I would. The bride is always a bestie and I’d rather call her and tell her and let her know I won’t be announcing it or making a big deal but Obvi won’t be drinking.
Everyone has already chimed in on tell your friend. I’d add that I hosted a large bachelorette party for my sister. One of her friends (who I did not know) discretely told me beforehand, and it just meant I bought more non-alcoholic beverages.
I would tell them in advance of the trip, personally, just to avoid awkward situations where they might ask me if I want drinks or sushi or similar.
And congratulations!
I would let one or the other know beforehand so they know not to expect you to be a total party animal, but not make a big deal out of it.
Oh, and congrats!!
depends on how i feel. ideally no.
I would give her a phone call to let her know so she’s aware you won’t be doing tequila shots with her. I’d also tell the MOH so she can assist if you’re being bullied by any of the other guests to take shots, etc. Definitely don’t tell anyone else if possible so you don’t take attention away from the bride. Also, consider making yourself some mocktails!
Your friends will want to congratulate you! Of course, tell them quietly before – they will enjoy the news as much as you do! don’t wait until the bachelorette party though – that would shift the focus away from the bachelorette.
I’d call the bride before the trip and let her know so that if you choose to or need to opt out of something she knows why! But obviously would keep it quiet at the actual bachlorette and participate as much as you can (go out with them but opt for a non alcoholic drink).
The last bachlorette I went on was very relaxed (pretty much just lying on the beach for 2 days, home by midnight each night) but involved drinking and sushi
Would you want to tell them if you have to terminate the pregnancy or have an early miscarriage? Telling people you are pregnant very early raises the risk of having to tell them all if the pregnancy unexpectedly ends. If you are close enough that you would tell them anyway, by all means, but if not you might want to wait.
PS – I’m probably a bit biased as I don’t drink and never really have, so my friends would not have found it odd that I wasn’t drinking.
Not the OP, but yes, if I’m close enough to go to the bachelorette party, this is someone I’m sharing things like that with.
+1
If I’m in their wedding, they’re likely someone I’d turn to post miscarriage.
I do drink quite often (and eat and do loads of things pregnant women can’t) so it’d be really odd if I wasn’t drinking or eating sushi or joining the group on jetskis or whatever was happening
People vary. As a counterpoint, I’m very private and would not have wanted to share a miscarriage with anyone except my husband, so we didn’t tell our parents and close friends until we heard the heartbeat at the 14 week scan. There’s no right or wrong way to approach this (other than making a splashy announcement AT the party, which I realize is not what OP was suggesting she do), but I think it’s good to keep the possibility of miscarriage in mind when deciding when and with whom to share a pregnancy.
People always bring this up like it’s a trump card against telling people early on in pregnancy. But, yeah, I 100% would want to tell my close friends if it ended badly. They’re my friends! Don’t most people’s friendships work like that?
Also, frankly, even if they’re not your closest friends, this attitude about how you can’t possibly speak about your miscarriage is why there’s so much stigma and misinformation about them in the first place.
+100!
My mom recently mentioned that miscarriages must be more common than when she was pregnant. No mom, people are just finally talking about it!
Also, people find out they are pregnant earlier.
I would probably lean toward saying I’m trying to *get* pregnant and not drinking etc rather than telling anyone I was pregnant. But that would be me being superstitious about telling anyone before I was really ready.
Good luck to you!!!
I get what you’re trying to say and generally agree but women are entitled to have their own feelings and preferences for how they want to handle a miscarriage. It’s truly awful and I’d hate for anyone to think they have to speak about their own experience with miscarriage if they don’t want to solely to make others feel more comfortable.
I often think that I approach friendship differently than many here but yes I have about 10 friends Id probably be leaning on if I miscarried
Me too. It’s kind of an anxious, antisocial bunch on here.
I think it’s harsh to call someone antisocial. I have several very close friends and a larger circle of less close friends. I wouldn’t want to tell anyone if I miscarried. It’s just how I am. I’m aware most people are more open about this than I am (indeed, several friends have told me about miscarriages) and that’s fine too. But it doesn’t make me friendless or a bad person to not want even my closest friends to know about something like this.
I found out I was pregnant in late July (after my own bachelorette, coincidentally). I was invited to a bachelorette the third week of August. I told the bride the week before the trip just because I knew she would find it strange if I wasn’t drinking. This is someone I am close with and would talk to if I miscarried, though. YMMV depending on how close you are with the bride.
I am so exhausted (work full time, grad school part time, and a pretty full life outside of work and school), like bone tired. For the first time since I started school in January 2022 (and likely all of 2023 too), I am off from both work and school at the same time between Christmas and New Years.
I desperately need to rest and reset but also have some holiday/family/friend stuff to do and also need to catch up on some stuff and probably spend some time getting ready for next semester (would love to deep clean and Kondo my apartment). I don’t have a budget to travel anywhere (except maybe a staycation using points one night), and I think all of my 2023 travel will be for friends’ weddings.
As of last week, I’m 1/3 of the way done my degree! But, the class I’m taking next semester is likely the hardest class I’ll have to take so I definitely want to feel refreshed when the semester starts.
I’m trying to both have a plan for my time off so I don’t “waste” it but also think of some fun things to do that will be relaxing or fun and recharge my batteries without breaking my budget. What I really need is to lie on a beach with fruity umbrella drinks for a few days, but that’s not happening.
I live in Baltimore and I hate the cold so a lot of outdoors stuff is out right now. I have skiing plans for later in January so can’t afford to also go over break. I have a bunch of hobbies but honestly I’ve been so tired that they kind of feel like work right now too? I know spending a day lying on the couch watching tv might feel good for a few hours but is not what I actually want to do.
maybe you do actually want to lie on the couch for a few hours watching tv? it is ok for this season of life to want to do something different. to me, taking a warm bath or shower and getting cozy and maybe light a candle and watch tv perhaps while drinking a fruity umbrella drink or hot chocolate or whatever you like might actually help you relax and recharge
Yes! I’m a huge fan of complete relaxation if it’s needed.
In these situations, I usually set aside a day or part of a day to clean the visible surfaces to make my home relaxing. Then the next day, I do a Netflix/book/couch day. Then do the more productive things that will rejuvenate me longterm. Kind of the best of all worlds. I know you don’t want to be mush for the entire break or you won’t feel refreshed, but also giving yourself assignments for the entire break won’t leave you feeling refreshed, either!
Oh yes I’m definitely bringing fruity umbrella drinks to my cold apartment :)
Im all for a day or so of couch time, but from experience when I was severely burnt out last year it’s relaxing in the moment but doesn’t leave me feeling actually rejuvenated or rested. I also don’t really like tv or movies so that’s probably why. Even when Im watching a show I really like, I don’t enjoy binging.
I once was burnt out and had a couch day where I read an enture (400 page) engrossing mystery book and that was the perfect mind candy for me. But, after writing an entire 30 page term paper in 36 hours last weekend, I have no desire to pick up a book right now.
Try an audiobook while playing a brainless game like Candy Crush or something.
But I still think you need to resist the urge to be productive and just veg out. The only other thing that I can think of that might be more rejuvenating is spending time with friends. Veg with them if possible.
Sorry if this wasn’t clear: I plan on vegging! I have 1-2 days worth of stuff I need to do (pickup dry cleaning from October! Visit my elderly relatives, do returns before the window expires) but mostly want to relax in a mix of vegging and rejuvenating fun things (talking a walk, getting a pedicure)
Watching mindless tv doesn’t usually help with recharging, though.
+1 it never helps me either!
Maybe not for you, but it does for some people.
After her follow-ups I see that OP isn’t recharged by that, either. But I don’t think it’s fair to say that having a lazy day isn’t ever a good thing for someone.
I think a lot of us actually learned that from this board! I used to think vegging in front of the tv was the answer until this board recommended very mild activity Instead and it’s so much better for me!
You don’t need a plan to rest. It might not be what you want to do, but your body sooner or later will tell you that it cannot take anymore and will rest involuntarily. Do you want that to occur in the middle of your hard class next semester?
If it makes it feel more acceptable, rest without the tv and without your phone. Get some magazines, a coloring book, some new tea to try out, a meditation app, a collection of bath bombs – whatever it is that sounds appealing. And then stop trying to cram one more thing in with the few hours you have unscheduled.
By “plan to rest” I meant to block out a few days next week to chill and not do other things!
Im very social/active, so with family and friends in town and off next week, I know I’ll be too tempted to say let’s grab brunch, let’s get dinner etc to too many people and then won’t have time to chill. So, that’s what I mean by planning rest.
I’m not at all opposed to lying on the couch doing nothing, but I don’t like tv or movies very much so it’s not as restful or enjoyable to me as it is to others. I am trying to figure out what my equivalent is!
reading, listening to music, doing a puzzle, meditating?
Sorry if this wasn’t clear: I do plan on taking a few days to totally chill. I have some things I need or want to do but otherwise want to chill.
Im all for mindless begging, but spending a day on the couch binging Netflix doesn’t do it for me (not a huge TV person so I don’t like binging. I feel like a slob if I spend the whole day on my couch. I need very minimal structure otherwise I become a total gremlin which I don’t like and thus isn’t restful).
Looking for suggestions on low key relaxing things I can do, ideally from home but I’m up for easy outings too. Like I’ll probably get a pedicure. I don’t want to do much actual cooking but I’m down for fun snacks and making some umbrella drinks at home. I like the bath + magazine idea but not sure what magazines to get? (I loved Glamour. I don’t care about celeb gossip but some mind candy articles would be great).
Basically looking for mind candy as someone who doesn’t want to binge TV and is a little tired of reading after my semester.
I know you say you’re tired of reading, but could you pick up something fluffy? I’m currently enjoying Elin Hildebrand’s Winter Street series. My favorite thing in the world is to sleep in, make myself a coffee, and then drink it in bed or on the couch while reading. This is also a good time for audiobooks while doing a puzzle (I just ordered a Christmas puzzle myself). For audiobook recommendations, Daisy Jones and the Six is amazing, and Louise Penny’s Three Pines series is very cozy. Yoga with Adriene on YouTube has plenty of restful and rejuvenating practices that could be nice. I really like the “Yoga for Comfort and Nourishment” video.
I have PTO next week and I haven’t narrowed down exactly what I’m going to do yet, but here’s what I’ve considered:
-gym/workout classes
-pedicure
-library trip (I know you said you aren’t in the mood to read, but perhaps you’d have fun picking out a movie to watch or browsing the magazines for ideas of ones you might like; some libraries have “maker spaces” full of crafty tools that you could fiddle with to get ideas and then take yourself to the craft store to shop for a small, achievable project)
-leisurely amble around the boujee grocery store
-leisurely amble around Target
-take myself to lunch
-some light organizing (closet, pantry)
-organizing my photos in one online storage place
-getting all my favorite online recipes copied to paper so I have them (this I plan to do with mindless TV in the background, YMMV)
As someone who relaxes by doing things, and feel free to reject – give yourself a photography challenge. Go for a walk, take your iPhone and just take pictures like you were a high school student needing to turn in an art project. It sounds absolutely silly but purposefully taking pictures makes you look at your environment differently and let’s you detach – doesn’t need to be in nature, honestly, there is probably an artsy photo of a manhole cover in there somewhere.
Baltimore friend, why not visit one of the art museums in town by yourself and slowly browse and let your mind wander? BMA and Walters are both free. Unless that’s your field of study, then I totally get not wanting relax there ;)
Alternatively, drop by the Rawlings Conservatory to look at some plants while being indoors? Can venture outdoors if the weather is decent. Try to see if Peabody will let you take a look around inside the buildings during Christmas break? Visit the underrated Baltimore Museum of Industry (has admission fee tho)?
Depending on your budget and if you can wrangle together a group of friends who also need to relieve stress, the newly opened TopGolf? Just whack the balls as far as you can and laugh off any mishaps.
Going to an art museum by myself is my absolute favorite thing to do. And I love the Walters.
I would add to this: visit the Visionary Arts Museum. Take a hike at Oregon Ridge or Gunpowder, or a path walk at Lake Roland or Cylburn—trust me, it is not that cold once you get walking. Enjoy ramen or pizza or Vietnamese or any of the great food available in Charm City. If you are Christian, go somewhere for Christmas Eve or Christmas service with a good choir. But also do not do too much. Kondoizing sounds exhausting and while the clean space may feel good, you also need to relax. Get a massage. Light a candle and sit in the candlelight drinking delicious hot tea.
Ah so many excellent suggestions here for things to do at home and in Baltimore. Thank you so much!!!!
one more thought – a restorative yoga class. i like going to class at a studio, but you can do this at home with all the props too.
If I lived in Baltimore, I’d pick a day/time most likely to be slower and head to the aquarium. The warmth and color of the rainforest is such a pick me up.
The warm humidity of the aquarium might almost have me believing that I’m on an island :)
To yesterday afternoon’s poster about the newly minted financial advisor – this is the NY Life model. They’ll take basically anyone, pay for them to get their basic licenses (series 7 and 63 or something like that?), and then they have to generate business from their friends and family. I once joined a business networking group, for a brief period, because it was all NY Life people trying to drum up business. I must have had 6 or 8 acquaintances reach out, repeatedly. Super annoying.
Also, let me say that I spoke to 1 because we were friendly. It was a total sales pitch to sell me whole life insurance. No real “financial advising” other than open a 401K which I already had.
Yeah. For what it’s worth my husband’s close friendship with someone he’s known since childhood survived several high pressure mlm sales pitches. My husband simply doesn’t budge. My feeling is that it before you know it she’ll either be a flop and move on or be successful enough to not need your business.
I just say, without embarrassment or explanation “Thanks for the offer but I never do business with friends.”
This is how all the Northwestern Mutual finance bros operate as well.
Prior OP here – Thanks so much for all of your thoughts, and for those helpful responses to my late post. You guys taught me something new.
I had no idea idea that there were “MLM” type financial advising schemes. Now it all makes sense.
Part of me did wonder… how the heck did – my childhood best friend artist/teacher with poor financial management skills – get this job? Yes – they paid for her to get her financial licenses, when she has zero background in this kind of work. She is very smart and incredibly attractive/charming so part of me thought…. she could get probably talk her way through a lot of interviews and get entry-level hired for almost anything.
I really appreciate all of your suggestions on how to manage this. It makes me sad that this will likely hurt our friendship. I also feel sorry for her.
I think these companies take anyone. They’re working as contractors on commission, generating their own leads. The company has little to lose.
It’s a sales job. Your friend sounds perfect for a sales job.
Can we do a book rec thread? I have next week completely off and plan to spend it reading, napping and going for walks. What books would you cozy up with?
I love Taylor Jenkins Reid and highly recommend The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo and Carrie Soto is Back. I’m waiting to read Michelle Obama’s new book. I think I’m still 4th in line for the kindle at my public library.
Seven husbands was my funnest, wittiest read of the year!
Oh man. I read it but didn’t think it was funny, or that it was supposed to be?
not funny, but fun. I enjoyed reading it. To be honest, I inhaled that book so fast that the details are quite blurry now, months later. I think the woman protagonist was snarky?
For a cozy read, I just finished “Remarkably Bright Creatures,” and let me tell you it was DELIGHTFUL. Please read it!!
Another great book that I read recently was “We All Want Impossible Things.” Warning that it is emotionally devastating (it’s about a woman taking care of her best friend in hospice), but in the best way. I was laughing hysterically at some points and the next sentence would make me cry. The rollercoaster really unlocked something in me, and it was a really cathartic experience. Obviously the subject matter is not for everyone, but it was great if this is your jam.
I really liked We All Want Impossible Things as well, though I constantly found myself annoyed at the author for naming 3 or 4 of her characters very similar names all starting with Ju. Why would you do that to your readers??? It was a major distraction from a otherwise wonderful book, but you should read it anyway.
Just finished Remarkably Bright Creatures and I absolutely loved it! Might end up being my favorite for 2022, and I read a lot (over 100 books a year). It was so sweet!
I just finished Marrying the Ketchups by Jennifer Close. Great family drama that has flown under the radar, I haven’t seen it mentioned here or in any other book threads.
I am not normally a fantasy person but I just finished the third in Naomi Novik’s Schlomance series and they are really lovely.
Some other recent reads:
there are more things by Yara Rodrigues Fowler (which boasts the best acknowledgement sections)
Best of Friends by Kamila Shamsie
Small Things Like These by Claire Keegan
I’m only halfway through “Black Cake” so it might fumble the landing, but it is keeping me really absorbed! Basically two adult children gather to hear their mother relate a family secret (recorded before her death), beginning in Jamaica in the 1960s, winding through England and the US. Also, black cake is prominently featured so make sure you have desserts on hand.
A lighter read that I liked is “A Lady’s Guide to Fortune Hunting” which is pretty much what you’d expect, but very charming.
I loved Black Cake as well!
If you like sci-fi, I just finished Project Hail Mary and the Murderbot Diaries (all on audiobook) and thoroughly enjoyed all of them. Would highly recommend.
I LOVED Project Hail Mary.
Perhaps a little late to the party, but I just read Mexican Gothic and loved it.
The Inspector Gamache (Louise Penny) series is super cozy. Becky Chamber’s Monk and Robot series is like reading a hug. Sarah Addison Allen’s books are always cozy and reassuring. Frederik Backman’s series – Man Called Ove, Anxious People, and Talia Hibbert’s Brown Sister’s books (open door romance fyi).
Totally random, but I read Three Bags Full by Leonie Swann this weekend and loved it. It’s a murder mystery where a flock of sheep in Ireland try to figure out who killed their shepherd. It’s silly, well paced, and endearing.
That is so original and hilarious. I’m checking to see if my library has it right now.
(Thanks to everyone for the great recs so far!)
I just flew through Verity by Colleen Hoover. I loved The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo and sought out other books by the same author – I picked up Daisy Jones & the Six- I enjoyed the story and it was written in a very different style, so made it a good break in between other reads.
I just finished The Women Could Fly by Megan Giddings and it was amazing, if dark and a bit depressing.
Also loved Babel by R.F. Kuang although I thought she didn’t quite stick the landing.
Oh, and Our Missing Hearts by Celeste Ng was divine!
Harry’s Trees
I posted a couple weeks ago about needing a hug, and how lost I was feeling in my marriage.
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for their love, support, advice, and perspective. I’ve read it so many times, and I can’t overstate how much it means to me. A special shout out in particular to Dr. The Original, No Face, and Explorette for your thoughtful advice.
By way of update, I went to a hotel. Getting some space was exactly what was needed. I talked to my therapist, ordered room service, took some time off work, and went hiking.
Spouse and I had a good conversation, and before I came back he checked himself into rehab, booked time with a therapist and a psychiatrist, and dropped this other woman/volunteer role. It seems like it’s definitely an emotional affair, but not physical (I’m not sure that’s better but anyways). He’s committed to doing these things for him – whether or not I stay. He’s apologized profusely, taken responsibility, and not made any of it my fault or about his feelings (thanks Monday for the advice about how the SI can be manipulative, whether or not it’s intentional).
He’s found a few counsellors I can choose from in the new year if I want to go together.
Right now, it feels like my person is back. It’s only been a couple weeks, but if he keeps up everything he has been doing, I’m willing to give him another shot at fixing this in the spirit of the decade we spent together happily.
I’ve also realized, thanks in large part to all of you wonderful people, that leaving isn’t actually that scary. It won’t be fun, but I’m perfectly capable of having a work life on my own. I have a great career, finances, and friends. And if this change doesn’t work for me, I will.
So, thank you. Much love for the holidays and the new year to y’all.
This is a great update! Wishing you the best for continued positive change.
What a wonderful update! I’m so happy to hear that you’re feeling good about your options, whatever happens.
Wow! I am so impressed with you. I have a feeling 2023 is going to be a monumental year for you whether you stay in your marraige or not.
Thank you for giving us the update, I’ve been thinking about you and this is so wonderful to hear! <3
Edit: *work life = great life. These are not the same thing lol.
That’s wonderful! Hugs to you!
Good for you. You sound like you’re thinking really clearly and can take care of yourself no matter what happens next.
So happy for you!
Can someone draft me a text that kindly but clearly says no you can’t visit – and maybe implies – please stop asking to get together.
Covid related so please skip if that doesn’t interest you.
Situation – family friends of my parents, all parents in their 70s-80s, their daughter is mid 30s. I’m in my 40s. I’ve grown closer to their daughter in the last three years as she’s graduated law school and I’m a decade ahead of her career wise. I am settled in a city close to her parents, she lives a 3 hour flight from her parents. I’m happy to talk or text typically about work things, but at least 3 times in the last 3 months it’s been – I’m visiting my parents, let’s hang out. Totally my mistake but instead of being honest that I’m STILL one of those people who isn’t socializing, I claimed unavailability, hoping she’d get the hint because typically if I’ve asked someone to hang out more than once and they won’t, I back off.
I know pandemic is a cringey excuse now but I have a cardiac issue so I’m still careful of and just couldn’t get comfortable with the idea that she takes a 3 hour flight to get here and often has said- oh this guy on the flight was visibly sick and wants to meet at a bar.
So fast forward now I get a text of – oh my parents and I are visiting family next week which takes us by your parents’ house, let’s have both families meet up. Hard pass for me. Ran it by my parents since it’s their home and they don’t want these friends visiting now – they’re not comfortable with the constant eating in restaurants, that they’ll visit several other friends along the way etc. Yet my parents are also at the age where they’re pushovers – mother actually said well if they want to come, they’re coming, there’s no stopping them. Uh excuse me bc in my home, if I don’t want you, you’re not coming in.
What do you say so she gets the hint besides, no we’re not gathering this holiday season?
Can you just not be honest, “I should have told you this, but I’m still not socializing,” but actually have a call and talk to you if you like her (and if you don’t like her or want to build a relationship, maybe that is also going on) and don’t want her to feel jerked around?
I’m mean what on earth is this silliness. “Stacy sorry I haven’t been upfront with you. I’m actually high risk for Covid and not comfortable socializing in person. Love keeping up through text though!”
This is perfect. Also, if you’d really like to get together under certain circumstances (maybe if cases are low in the spring and you both wear masks outside, or whatever would make you comfortable), then do say that.
I totally understand that some folks are still not up for socializing in person. I would much rather hear a friend just isn’t into socializing in person than to keep reaching out and being rejected without knowing the reason. I also don’t want to ask if the person doesn’t want invitations to hang out.
Just tell her the truth. Most people aren’t taking Covid precautions any more so no one is reading through the lines and saying ‘oh she’s really just not interacting in person out of caution’ – they’re wondering what’s going on and whether you’re annoyed with them.
Agree with this as someone who’s still very Covid cautious myself and one of the only people still masking indoors and avoiding large indoor gatherings where I’d have to remove my mask (including restaurants). Just be direct.
Pandemic has made people more clueless than ever. Because they are done with precautions that means everyone is done with precautions. I mean who on earth would even invite themselves to an 80 year olds house now without truly making sure that 80 year old wants them? This woman is not going to take the hint. Spell it out esp if your parents won’t. Unlike the posters below I don’t think you owe any explanations regarding high risk or cardiology or anything. You can say sorry rates are too high right now. Let her think you’re anxious, who cares.
what? I wasn’t getting this read at all, just that the default rule for socializing has gone from “I’m assuming you’re taking precautions” to “I’m assuming you’re socializing normally” – with respect for the answer if it’s outside the norm. Not that people are being willfully clueless or pushy!
Huh? Clearly you don’t know many 80 year olds. They’re actually not that old and most are socializing normally now, too.
I mean, considering the average lifespan in the US is late 70s, yeah 80 is pretty old. I agree many are socializing normally, but acting like 80 is not old is….quite a take.
+1 my parents are younger but all of my aunts and uncles are 70s and 80s. Some have pretty serious health conditions too (cancer undergoing chemo, serious heart issues, COPD). They’re all socializing normally.
Is this really what their doctors are advising or are people just fed up?
This thread is not about what doctors are advising, but what people are doing!
Do you think elderly people have to run every choice they make past their doctors?
I’d be honest and explain that you have a cardiac condition so you’re not up for socializing yet Before people start in, no you don’t “owe” that information but it is weird not to socialize at this point so you kind of do if you want to maintain any kind of relationship with her.
Especially since this is a family member and you’ve had some relationship and this may be recurring and just getting weirder. Clear the air!
OPs mileage may vary but I too have a cardiac condition and I’d rather lose a relationship with a random friend or have her think I’m weird than disclose. The reason I say that is the type of people who seem as pushy as this friend also tend to be know it alls or gossips, and no I don’t then need some lawyer telling me – oh my cousin has that heart issue and just went on a cruise, you’re over reacting.
Holy crap, this person is not being pushy asking to make plans! Especially when OP hasn’t told her she never wants to make plans, just that she hasn’t been able to make it on the previous occasions.
This is how normal humans operate. If you don’t like it, that’s fine; you’re more than allowed to do what you want. But nobody’s a bad person for making social invitations to their friends.
+1
Maybe it’s just me but let her think it’s weird, who cares? This doesn’t sound like some deep lifetime friendship. As a high risk person who doesn’t disclose the risk, I’d say once that we’re not gathering and leave it at that.
She’s not offering to socialize AT you.
I have no idea what this means.
+1
?? But the friend is offering to socialize with OP, so some sort of response is needed?? OP doesn’t sound mad at all to me, just that she’s high risk and doesn’t feel comfortable meeting up in person.
OP needs to use her words!
She is! She asked for advice on how to word it. I think we’ve all been in situations where we waited a little too long to say something and then it felt awkward for whatever reason. No need to vilify the OP for that.
You’re out of the norm. Most people socialize and aren’t this isolated. You need to explain your position because most normal people would not understand at all.
Stop calling a person with a heart problem they take seriously abnormal. I get what you’re saying but do you need to be unkind?
Lots and lots of high risk people have resumed socializing. It’s fine if the OP doesn’t want to yet but she should recognize that she’s not the norm and therefore needs to use her words and explain to her friend that she’s not socializing now. She’s not obligated to explain why but she is obligated to say that she’s not open to seeing her now and not expect her friend to read her mind.
I’m in a blue part of a blue state in the northeast. Everyone is vaxxed and boosted. Everyone followed all Covid precautions in 2020/2021. In 2022, I don’t know a single person who hasn’t resumed in person indoor socializing including a cancer patient, 3 pregnant women, several elderly people with heart issues and 2 transplant survivors on immunosuppressants (1 of whom is elderly). Some people have resumed masking on public transportation or in crowded stores but I don’t know anyone who masks in a restaurant or private home with company.
OP should do whatever she’s comfortable with, but should recognize she’s more cautious than most, and shouldn’t expect her friend to read her mind!
This.
Everyone has their own risk tolerance, but this sure explains a lot.
Thanks for helping me understand that when you say “individual responsibility,” what you really mean is, “I want to do whatever I want, and I don’t care who I expose, and if they don’t like it, they can just stay home forever.”
As a doctor, this is really sad. This is not what most doctors with high risk / immunocompromised patients are recommending. I think that this poster doesn’t travel in circles that most of my patients do. There is a vast population that is invisible to most young adults… older adults too, until they become part of the sick/disabled/vulnerable population. Most of us will join it, at some point, and certainly our loved ones will.
If you really know people who are elderly, with transplants, walking around unmasked well all I have to say is they are getting poor medical care. Or they have simply decided they are willing to take the risk. Again, their doctors are recommending against this.
Our hospitals are full already. Blue state, blue city. An elderly family member of mine has already died this season. This is our new normal, unfortunately.
I recommend that all of us should wear masks (and good ones – N95/KN-95) while on airplanes this holiday season. Many people sitting around you will be sick, coming and going from large indoor gatherings with sick people, not wearing masks themselves. But if eating bad food on an airplane is that important to you and don’t care well… I guess that’s why we keep recommending to our vulnerable patients that only they can look out for themselves.
People have really valid reasons where they can’t or choose not to remain in a spring 2020 level of lockdown. It’s okay for people to choose differently but if you’re still doing so, recognize that you’re the abnormal one
Omg ‘also medically vulnerable’ – the world is not going to stop to accommodate you. The vaccines are here, life moves on…
Why are you guys so invested in calling these folks abnormal? It seems like they are somehow threatening to you. Just doesn’t make sense.
But I understand. I am older. Have seen/experienced more. And many/most people can’t empathize until they have experienced something directly, unfortunately.
Nobody is invested in anything. OP wants her friend to get the hint, and we are all trying to make the point that her friend is probably not going to get the hint because OP is not behaving how most people behave. OP’s acting weird.
Uh…she’s been lying to this person and claiming unavailability when she was never going to socialize with this person ever. It isn’t normal behavior and most people would not understand.
+100
Yeah, you don’t need to justify your choices but you do need to spell out what you want/don’t want.
I would stop with expecting her to “get the hint.” Just use your words and mention that you have a cardiac condition and are being COVID cautious.
This isn’t a situation for hinting. Remember that the media is barely acknowledging that Evusheld and monoclonal antibodies are no longer available or generally that high risk people still exist!
You have to be clear and explicit. I think you need to be clear about what you’re comfortable with too. In my world, high risk people who can handle cold are masking up and gathering at bonfires or going on walks in the park over the holidays. If you’re not comfortable with meeting in person at all, there’s no way she could know this unless you say it.
I mean normally I’d agree but if OP is on the east coast or in the Midwest or south, it’s going to be days of teens and 20s weather with sub zero windchills.
Yeah I’m Covid cautious and I would not meet outside right now. The Midwest and East Coast are being plunged into an arctic blast – we’re expecting highs below 0 (even without wind chill) in my area. Just say you’re cautious, you’re sorry you can’t meet and you look forward to meeting outside when the weather is warmer.
If it’s too cold, it’s too cold. If someone also had poor cold tolerance, of course they can’t go out in the cold.
It’s not been too cold yet where I live on the east coast. Maybe it will be soon. I’m okay with skiing temps but not colder personally!
Could you meet with them outside?
In the arctic tundra enveloping the lower 48? I’m thinking no. Don’t worry OP she and her parents just need someone to socialize at, you say no she finds a different subject in an hour.
You’re being rude and assuming this woman and her family’s intentions. Family friends getting together over the holidays is normal and not demanding of an audience to socialize at.
All that to say that yes it’s going to be absolutely freezing in my area this weekend but OP doesn’t specify when next week her friends want her to get together. I’m in PA and it’ll be back up in the 40s this time next week which is perfectly acceptable outdoor socialization weather!
It’s normal to socialize with other people. We all claim to love community but then you are being mean about people doing a very normal thing – seeing other people! Good grief.
The disconnect between people wanting community but not fostering it and/or being weird about normal interactions is so, so weird to me
Just say something like, I’d love to but we’re still social distancing due to some medical issues in my family. Maybe this summer when we can get together outside?
Don’t hint at things, just tell her your reason.
I’m not quite as isolated as you but I do take immunosuppressive medication so I’m also not in the “COVID is over” camp. I agree with others that you just have to tell her. There is no way to hint around politely your way out of this one.
How much you want to tell her is up to you and based on how close your relationship is to her. But for some people, explaining why you’re being more careful than the average person invites them to play doctor and argue with you over what precautions are needed for your condition (this is unfortunately based on my own experiences.) If you think she would be like that, then you may not want to share your why. But either way, please keep in mind that “no” is a complete sentence.
This while I agree this has gone on too long and OP needs to be clear, I would NOT get into the heart issue as you will get what you’re getting here – oh my 85 yr old neighbor with a heart transplant socializes as does his pregnant daughter with 7 heart ailments. Too many people think they are doctors. You can simply stick to high risk or Covid cautious and no is a complete answer.
Dear NAME, Thanks for continuing to reach out. The pandemic is not over, and I am still sequestering to avoid exposure. So, I can’t do anything in person. Thanks, ME
I think a lot of high risk and/or Covid cautious people on this board (not the OP, but in general) have been so locked down that they don’t realize that many, many, many high risk and or older individuals are living normal or almost normal lives now.
IME, even the most at risk I know (in her 70s with several comorbidities including lung issues and heart disease) still socializes and dines at restaurants indoors. She wears a mask in crowded indoor stores and hasn’t gone back to yoga classes because of Covid but pretty much does everything else like she did in 2019
I think it’s true that the majority of people over 70 are back to normal. But it’s not everyone and it’s not crazy to take precautions. My early 70s parents don’t see anyone indoors except my family and don’t do indoor dining. My husband, kids and I don’t do indoor dining either because we spend so much time with my parents. We all wear masks indoors in public, except my kids don’t wear masks at school. My in-laws (who have had Covid) are slightly less locked down but generally super cautious as well and wear masks in public and almost never dine indoors. A bunch of my friends’ parents are still wearing masks and some are still avoiding indoor dining.
For me it’s a cost benefit analysis. I value traveling and seeing friends and obviously we need to go to work and send kids to school. I do not value indoor dining – it adds very little to my life so it’s easy to avoid it. I think every person has to make their own judgment but for me at least it’s not just about the inherent risk in each activity, it’s also about what I value.
I mean, I see the prayer requests and memorials go up in my high risk condition support group. I do know that people are going out and getting COVID.
eyeroll
Glad you think it’s eye roll worthy or funny that people are in the hospital or worse.
Did you just play amateur doctor as to what other people who are high risk should do based on anecdotes about other people you know of?
Agreed that many more cautious people here don’t seem to realize they’re not the norm
We realize it. We are just making more cautious choices.
“Hi, I haven’t told many folk, but my cardiac condition makes every high risk for COVID complications so I’m not meeting people right now. And neither are my parents. Happy to connect on the phone.”
Please just tell her the truth.
I saw a picture of Kim Jong Un’s sister in the WSJ today wearing (while noting the accuracy of North Korea’s ICBMs):
puffy headband
suit jacket with some sort of crest on it.
Sort of an Evil Harry Potter character vibe and yet I have so many questions. My understanding is that actual starvation is still a problem in North Korea. Factories are churning out headbands and crested suit blazers? Maybe these are ordered from somewhere in China? Not sure that youngish stateswomen in other countries would throw on a puffy headband while dealing with long-range weapons.
Obviously the dictator and his family are much less impoverished that the average citizen and buy goods made elsewhere.
I feel like the puffy headband is BY FAR the least egregious thing happening with that family.
It seems to telegraph “I’m approachable” vs we’re all about mass murder AND killing our uncle with a missile while making his family watch.
Do you think that most dictators like to dress in a way that makes them look intentionally evil?
I feel like among men there is an abundance of notable hats and/or facial hair. Putin may be the exception on both fronts. Lukashenko looks straight out of central casting.
Not always– with some exceptions, I don’t think they’re always such caricatures. They might dress in a way that makes them look powerful, whatever that means to them. For women in a lot of areas of the world, that means supremely approachable and non-threatening (so they can gain trust and then be evil).
You are conflating stateswomen with an evil dictator’s sister. Welcome to the world.
Maybe do some reading while you’re at it.
Ugh just a vent that if you want to pretend you’re inclusive you shouldn’t schedule your holiday party for 4:30-6 pm during Hanukkah and then act baffled and annoyed when your only Jewish employee says she can’t attend. It’s not like the entire 8 days are out. I can attend a daytime event during work hours. I could attend an evening event that begins well after sundown. But I cannot be at a holiday party right at sunset when I’m supposed to be home lighting candles with my kids.
yes
also don’t hold an on-site in December and then talk about work life balance when we all worked overtime to make slides and don’t have nannies
Maybe they have no idea you need to be at home “right at sunset”, so give them a freaking break. Is everyone supposed to know every religious rule and tradition??
Are you the “let bygones be bygones” poster, by any chance?
What is your deal? I can tell you are up and down the discussion today, commenting in every single post with some snarky or contrarian response. Are you stressed out by the holidays? Are you just a jerk? In either case, logging off the computer and going outside for awhile will do you more good than this behavior you’re engaging in.
They have no right to be baffled and annoyed if they ignorantly planned holiday party that wasn’t inclusive; this is not hard.
Having holiday parties at this time of year is already a big concession to dominant Christian culture, so acting annoyed when non-Christian people aren’t available is pretty bad!
OP has a point. If they want to be inclusive, Hanukkah is very main stream holiday to be aware of. Heck, my preschooler (non-jewish preschool) did a whole unit on it this week.
Also, scheduling after work parties this time of year is also not super convenient for anyone with kids.
Hannukah is pretty well known, and the rules are not that difficult to understand. Same with Eid. We live in a multi-cultural society, and we should act like it.
Sunset in my area is just after 5, so there’s no way I could attend this party and be home anywhere near sunset. And I like in my original post, it’s not so much that I’m annoyed that they planned a party that I can’t attend (the likelihood of finding a time when everyone is available is low), but more that they’re mad at me for not attending. It directly conflicts with a religious celebration. It’s really not that unreasonable that I can’t go.
Im in an area where sunset is at 4:30 so no one who works or is in school is home in time for sunset, so people light candles when they can. But many people I know don’t light candles each night.
So different people have different ways they observe the holiday and that’s fine, but OP sounds like she is observant and wants to be able to practice her religion according to her level of observance. That is not an out-of-bounds need or request.
Are you OP’s boss, by chance? Or, are you currently dealing with an EEOC investigation for not providing religious accommodations for your employees?
I hear you! I think that having an employer (especially one that says they are committed to inclusion!) be gracious about a conflict like this is a very fair baseline to wish for.
As a reform Jew I didn’t realize people light candles as soon as possible after sunset. I’d give them a pass for scheduling this over Hannukah if it’s not Day 1 or 8. But I do think it’s poor planning to schedule a party the week before Christmas. And they have zero right to be angry about OP opting out once they heard she was observing her religious tradition instead.
And honesty a work holiday party this close to Christmas is annoying too! Even as someone who really enjoys the work holiday party, it seems like there’s never a good time to schedule one!
But, observances of Hanukkah vary a ton from person to person and family to family. I was just at a 4-7 happy hour with a Jewish friend last night; she went to visit family last weekend for Hanukkah and viewed that as her observance and now isn’t doing much, if anything. Others won’t make any after work plans all 8 days because they’re doing family Hanukkah all night every night.
I’m Jewish and this is a little OTT – we don’t celebrate every night nor do most people I know. Absolutely fine if you do, but I wouldn’t say it’s the norm. I think the bigger issue is having work events this week at all. Most places I’ve worked get that out of the way at the beginning of December.
Really? Everyone I know with kids lights candles every night.
People celebrate differently but the least an office can do is check a calendar to see if it conflicts with a holiday.
Offices should default assume that at least one of their employees celebrates a holiday and avoid scheduling events those days. Much more inclusive to assume someone celebrates than to make people disclose or otherwise. I get that scheduling is hard but the answer isn’t to pick a date that may exclude certain employees of one religion.
What?! Not celebrate every night? It’s an 8 night holiday. I think the norm is celebrating every night.
Interfaith-calendar dot org.
I started using it two decades ago to schedule depositions. Still use it, now for lots of things.
There was an article on Evil HR party a earlier this month on why January was the perfect time for a holiday party. My favorite reason she gave:
“it’s An Inclusive Party. There’s no need to pretend that Santa is secular or put some blue ornaments on a tree and say, “Oh, it’s inclusive!” Everyone knows it’s a Christmas tree, regardless of what you say. Having a party in January isn’t pretend inclusivity; it’s true inclusivity.“
+1 I volunteered for the holiday party committee at work one year. We ended up needing to push our party into January and it was the highest attended Holiday party they had. We still gave out gifts (aka various gift cards, etc.). But the atmospheres was much more relaxed than a December party.
Interfaith-calendar dot org
Am I missing something? Because I just looked at that website and it did not list a single Jewish holiday.
Also, it is not particularly helpful. It lists every holy day in the Christian calendar but does not distinguish between (for example) All Saints and St. Valentine’s Day.
I would never schedule a deposition for Yom Kippur or Rosh Hashanah but it would not occur to me that my opposing counsel needed to leave by 4:00 to be home by sunset and that is completely contrary to my experiences with co-workers in an area with a lot of Jewish people (and I work with people who leave early on Fridays). Which is not to say I would not be happy to accommodate that request. But it is not something everyone just knows.
4:30 to 6:00 are working hours at every office I have ever been at. And while I work with a large number of Jewish co-workers absolutely none of them leave early enough to be home by sunset every night during Hanukkah. Which is not to say you should not speak up. But expecting everyone to know that you need to be home by sunset (but are available to do something later in the evening) is asking a bit much.
I get it. But I always take time off on November 1 and December 8 to attend Mass but I do not expect everyone else to refrain from scheduling anything on those dates or to know that those are days of Holy Obligation.
Our official work hours end at 4:30 and this was an offsite party described as an after work event. I understand that not everyone can get home by sunset and many Jewish families do Hanukkah whenever the adults get home even if it’s not right at sunset, but I do think scheduling something after work is different than expecting employees not to bail on work early.
This reminds me of the company that scheduled their diversity & inclusion lunch during Ramadan.
Yikes, that’s awful.
Any thoughts on how much waterproof suede boots from Paul Green will stretch? They look perfect with cropped pants but they’re a bit tight in the toes (damn bunions); they’re also very tight around ankles, almost like sock boots. They’re not, they’re chunky lug soles with a zip. Im wearing them around the house today to try to decide.
Paul Green quality suede should stretch. Depending on where you bought them, the store (like a Nordstrom) may be able to do it for you.
Every time I have kept shoes that didn’t feel good out of the box, I have been sorry.
For my 2 pair of Paul Green waterproof footwear, I needed to go up 1/2 size from my usual PG size. It may be coincidence, but I am otherwise quite consistent in my PG size (my favorite footwear).
Planning an at home spa day looking for some products:
Favorite sheet masks and under eye masks available on Amazon?
Favorite luxurious but affordable lotion?
Favorite fancy tea?
The best lotion is CeraVe in the jar/tub
Fancy tea is anything from Harney’s – I like Earl Grey, but you may prefer herbal
CeraVe Moisturizing Cream | Body and Face Moisturizer for Dry Skin | Body Cream with Hyaluronic Acid and Ceramides | Normal | Fragrance Free | 19 Oz | Packages May Vary https://a.co/d/3yfxsBj
Dr. Jart + masks are the best
Weleda Skin Food for lotion (on sale in Target Circle right now)
Rishi pumpkin spice is an amazing herbal tea. Rishi brand is my favorite bougie tea brand. I buy them at my local co-op. Tea Forte is also really great and has fancy pyramid tea bags.
Harney & Sons Hot Cinnamon Spice Tea Tin – Black Tea with Orange & Sweet Clove – 2.67 Ounces, 30 Sachets https://a.co/d/cOEZXFr
I went to a White Elephant over the weekend with my boyfriend’s extended friend group. He is close friends with the hosts (who were lovely), but not the guys who were attending (who I was not a fan of). The guys who attended all are recently in relationships, and I felt like there was maybe a bit of showboating or even competing as to who has the most in-love new relationship. Telling longwinded stories about their three-month romances or making comments about their gardening lives. I found it a bit insufferable and am hoping it’s a new-relationship thing. Do people grow out of this eventually?
As an example, one of the gifts was a Diptyque hand lotion. Cue a bunch of jokes about self-gardening (eyeroll). One of the new girlfriends promptly makes it known that her boyfriend “will absolutely not be needing that” with a wink-wink energy. Another girlfriend went on a long-winded thing about how the boy, who is a bit of a sleaze (we know, she doesn’t) played her guitar on their fourth date and it’s the highlight memory of her year. Meanwhile, we all know that he did that as his “seal-the-deal” move with every girl he took out. It was just a lot of kind of having to pretend to be into other people’s relationships but just wanting to go home.
You don’t like them! The things you don’t like about them probably aren’t going to change. This shouldn’t be a big deal if they’re people you haven’t even met before.
Are they in high school or something? I hang out with a ton of immature people–ie some of my guy friends have girlfriends in their early 20s, etc, and none of them are this annoying. But that’s what alcohol is for, right :)
It sounds like you just don’t like those people and that’s fine.
People are just people. None of us know these specific people it’s not like a society wide thing.
how old are you? this sounds like the kind of ‘aren’t we so grown up and s3xy’ stuff that would be commonplace at college parties…. among my 30s-40s crowd, uh, not so much
Sadly I know people in their 30s and 40s who talk like this. It’s ok to not enjoy their company.