ByKat Hours Updated
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Gift Idea: Sapin Candle

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

green limited edition Diptyque candle; it has stars and dots on the glass and reads SAPIN

Hunting for a fun hostess gift for a holiday party? Someone, years ago, told me with quite a bit of confidence that Diptyque always makes the best hostess gift — and I've found that to be true. It's a little luxury, it's pretty, it smells nice, it doesn't take up a lot of space — these are all good things!

I usually gift the Baies or Roses scents, since I think those are the most classic ones, but this limited edition candle caught my eye — I love that it's holiday-focused but not exclusively holiday. (As someone with a faux tree, I'd also like that this would give us the happy pine-tree scent!)

The pictured candle is $84 at Nordstrom; it may be available for pickup today if you need it quickly.

(Another gift idea for lovers of scented candles: a candle warmer. It releases the scent without burning the wax. There are a ton on Amazon; I ordered this one but I don't think it's arrived yet.)

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 3/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off: Free People, AllSaints, AG, and more
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off suiting + 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – $39+ dresses & jumpsuits + up to 50% off everything else
  • J.Crew – 25% off select linen & cashmere + up to 50% off select styles + extra 40% off sale
  • J.Crew Factory – Friends & Family Sale: Extra 15% off your purchase + extra 50% off clearance + 50-60% off spring faves
  • M.M.LaFleur – Flash Sale: Get the Ultimate Jardigan for $198 on sale; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Buy 1 get 1 50% off everything, includes markdowns

256 Comments

  1. I’ve been in my job for almost 10 years. The work is extremely repetitive and rote at this point and I find myself very bored and just over it. I’ve been casually job-hunting for a couple years, more seriously for the past six months but have not had any luck at finding anything. There are a bunch of new people on my team and I find their energy and enthusiasm really irritating. I also have an intern this year for the first time and it should be interesting because at least it’s something new for me to do, but I just find the intern exhausting and dumb and I dread dealing with her. I know I sound like a curmudgeon! And I’m sure people call me that behind my back. But I can’t help it… I’m just so over everything to do with this job and annoyed by everyone who doesn’t feel the same way. Any tips short of getting a new job?

    2. This is how I felt in my last job and decided to leave – even without having a new role lined up. It wasn’t helping my mood and self-respect. I was always type-A, motivated person, but the last 2 years and terrible bosses beat me down. And I didn’t like the work person I became.
      I would recommend to prioritize job search or get serious with your current job. Having an intern to nurture and develop is a role of responsibility and could be trememdously fulfilling (if you want to lead a team one day).
      I think career coach could be beneficial to help you figure out what is it you want and can give you feedback to improve the success rate of your job hunt.
      If you have a good boss, they may be a person to talk to. Mine offered a different role, different geo area etc.
      Good luck!

    3. Take time to do a some kind of spiritual retreat of sorts, whatever that means for you. The universe wants to use your talents and you have to find a way to open yourself to possibilities. Put yourself out in the world in a way that does not involve just applying for a new gig. Maybe join a local community group. You are in a rut and it is just getting deeper.

    4. Aww. Unless you’re a cranky curmudgeon in every area of your life, you’re just burnt out and over it. Cut yourself some slack and lean out if you can. See if you can start to see your current coworkers as future networking contacts and just try not to ruin those relationships; you don’t have to be buddies. And make sure you’re getting plenty of time off, good sleep, fresh air, self care, ect.

  2. Update on my “meet cute Starbucks guy who happened to be a speaker at the same conference we were at and later asked me out.” I updated recently that we had an amazing first date that lasted like 7 hours because neither of us wanted the night to end. We went to 3 places + his place (then I went home, no gardening, just lots of kissing). We really clicked, and even though I had a little whiplash the next day, I liked him a LOT. He was everything I knew I wanted and deserved. He continued to send me near daily flirty texts and we had a second date scheduled for this past Saturday night that I had to ask to reschedule due to external circumstances.

    Last night, I get this text: “I do want to be transparent with you. I was in a really serious long distance relationship up until the beginning of November. For that reason, among many others, I’m not pursuing a relationship right now… which I know is not ideal and I’m sorry. You and I had a great date though, and I’d love to keep talking but I totally understand if you’d rather not.”

    Oh look, another emotionally unavailable man. Never seen that before. /s. I guess I’m glad he’s telling me now, but WHY did he lead me on?

    I cried like a school girl last night, haven’t answered him but texted my mom, and decided to go back in my single hole that I’ve been in for years. It’s infinitely easier that way. Bah humbug to all the Hallmark movies.

    1. I should add that earlier in the day he was talking about how we should visit X state together because it’s really beautiful.

      1. LAWD — I feel like I could be a counseling mission around just this idea: WORDS HAVE MEANINGS. If you do not mean a thing, do not say a thing. E.g., do not introduce me to your mom as “your future daughter-in-law” if you are also going to dump me within the week.

        And I’m sorry — it s*cks. Nothing like the rush of a relationship with a guy you like just to realize it was all built on quicksand.

      2. I’m so sorry! I was the poster who said the long date and sharing might indicate poor boundaries. I said that because I’ve gotten that text from several men, out of the blue, after a few fantastic dates. This is not your fault. There’s nothing you could have done differently. I’m glad he had the decency to let you know, but he clearly doesn’t want what you do.

    2. Oh, man. I’m sorry. And i say there’s no need to answer him.

      Men, man. Sheesh.

      1. +1 – ghost him, it’s no less than exactly what he deserves. I’m sorry, OP.

    5. You have my permission to tell him to go to hell. It isn’t amusing or a whoopsie to mess around with someone’s emotions that way.

      1. Seriously. So sick of men who think this isn’t a big deal. Like, if you say “oh I don’t want anything serious” that negates all your actions and you’re off the hook.

      2. Co-sign. This behavior is just plain cruel. Not available? Then don’t make it sounds like you are.

    6. I’m so, so sorry. I was rooting for you and really hoping this would work out.

      I wouldn’t respond to him. What is there to say? Thanks for leading me on, you ridiculous jerk? Bah.

      I think it would be a great time to make some cocoa with extra marshmallows, and get some Christmas cookies and listen to some sad music wrapped up in a blanket on the couch. Here’s hoping for better times ahead.

    7. So sorry, OP! It sounds like he wasn’t a great guy, as most great guys wouldn’t pursue that aggressively, lead someone on like that, and feel no guilt about it if he knew he didn’t want anything serious. In my experience, guys who can love bomb when they don’t want anything serious tend to be best to avoid at all costs. I think you dodged a major bullet.

      That he saw such a great spark in you reflects the fact that you can find someone else who does too! And someone you connect with as well. There are lots of great guys out there, and you will feel this way with one of the ones who are emotionally available. In the meantime, spend the next week focusing on self-care and self-love. We’re here for you if you want to vent.

      1. “In my experience, guys who can love bomb when they don’t want anything serious tend to be best to avoid at all costs.”

        Absolutely. This is how some of them get narcissistic fuel – make someone really hopeful and excited to be with them, and then drop that person like a hot potato. Or do what this guy did with OP, doing the whole “I don’t want anything serious” nonsense. It happened to me, when I was dating and it’s happened to most women I know. It’s hard not to get cynical and jaded after it happens a couple of times. OP dodged a bullet but I realize that’s cold comfort right now.

    8. I just want to know what he wants out of “I’d love to keep talking.” Like aside from the obvious that he would want, he also wants to keep being romantic and going on dates (i.e. ACT like you are in a relationship) but doesn’t want any of the commitment. That’s a whole step above f-boy.

      3. I don’t think they even really know what they mean by saying this. One time I had been dating someone for 3-4 months, and he told me he was open to keep dating me but didn’t see it going anywhere. I asked him why we would keep seeing each other then, especially as he had said he was looking for a permanent partner…and he had absolutely nothing. I think they just vaguely imagine that it makes them sound better, honestly.

        1. I had a similar conversation and also cut it off. Why waste both our time? Men just like what’s comfortable, moving forward with inertia, I swear.

          1. Or they are simply just using you.

            Many men are happy to continue with one relationship until they find another possible one they are interested in pursuing.

            Sad but true.

          2. “Many men are happy to continue with one relationship until they find another possible one they are interested in pursuing.”

            Exactly. They’re happy to string women along as “placeholders” until they meet someone better. They won’t let go of one vine until they have a firm grasp on the next one (and sometimes not even then). We need to be strong enough not to let them waste our time.

    10. Ugh, OP, that breaks my heart. That’s not fair and I’m sorry that happened to you. The one silver lining is that he told you early, at least. I lean more towards the “Men don’t learn their lesson through words, they learn it through no contact” opinion, so I’d encourage you to leave him on read forever. What a sh*t thing to do.

      IDK if you need to hear this but having the rug pulled out from under you early in a situation ship can hurt even more than a breakup so I give you permission to mourn this as much as you need. I had a similar situation end without closure recently and so much of the pain came from me harshly judging myself and feeling embarrassed for being so upset over a guy I didn’t even know that well. It took me a while to realize that its okay and normal to grieve the relationships that never were, when they’re accompanied by such strong feelings.

      1. I know the intention here is good – to tell the OP it is okay to feel the hurt here, and I agree and appreciate the comment for that — but I don’t think it is accurate or fair to the OP to suggest OP was in a situationship. From her perspective, this was a great date with a plan for a second and she had no idea until he told her that it wasn’t potentially leading to a relationship. She’s not going back for more in the hope of turning things around or accepting the offer of a situationship.

        1. For sure, I’m using situationship pretty loosely here–it sounded like from OP’s original post way back when that their communication with this person has been going on for a month or so now (IIRC they had their meet cute at the end of November?). One long date with lots of communication before and after can make a connection feel more intense than the actual amount of time spent together would imply so was moreso acknowledging that it’s okay and normal to be hurt and upset in a way that may feel outsized to the actual time she knew this person. OP may not need to hear that but I know when I was going through something similar recently, it felt good to have that acknowledged. I wasn’t meaning to imply that OP was considering entering into anything more with him.

    11. I always caution against marathon first dates. They create the illusion of intimacy and bonding. I’m sorry this happened to you – it is so, so hard. I am in the same boat. At this point, I would rather commit to singledom than be vulnerable again.

    12. OP here – for those saying to not respond/ghost him, my only fear is what if I see him again at another industry event since we live in the same city? I worry ghosting will make that extra awkward.

      1. Nope. He’s the one sh*tting where he eats, so he is the one who should be worried.

        1. +1 maybe awkward for him, but that’s not your problem. You did nothing wrong here and have no reason to feel awkward

      2. Nah. What are you going to do, go up and talk to him now that you know he’s like this?

        Also, it’s not a perfect analogy but I really want to tell you to Have the Confidence of a Mediocre Tradwick and don’t think about his emotions anymore – Tradwick wouldn’t care if he made it awkward for you.

        1. Exactly. He should be awkward if he sees you. You just pretend he doesn’t exist. Or be cordial but indifferent like you would to any other stranger.

        2. Except in this case I actually want the OP to give him a proper Miranda Priestly stare.

      3. Nope. What he did is $hitty and that’s on him. If he feels awkward, to bad so freaking sad.

        This has happened to me multiple times. Sometimes after a month, sometimes months of being called a gf even! Some men are trash. I’m so so sorry!

      4. He made it awkward by basically tricking you about his intentions. You have nothing to be ashamed of. If and when you see him again, say hi then excuse yourself. Go to the bathroom, go listen to a voicemail, whatever. Ignore him.

        1. +1. I mean, I’m sure he’d love it if you replied “oh, thanks for letting me know! It was great to meet you, and I look forward to seeing you at the next conference! smiley face” But that’s not what he gets. Do whatever you want, but I’d advise ghosting and know that any awkwardness is 100% on him. If he was worried about that, he could have been clear with you when he first asked you out, or at the very least during the marathon date.

      6. If you see him at an industry event, you’re under no obligation to approach him. If you happen to be behind him in line for coffee or the valet or something, maybe it’ll be awkward. But I can’t think of anything you could say in response that will make that encounter less awkward.

        1. I mean, you could pretend to not know him at all… like if he comes up to you and starts speaking to you (in a familiar way?) you could look at him quizzically, and say something like “I’m sorry, have we met?” Even better if you’re chatting with someone else at the time.

          I’m sorry this happened to you, OP!

      7. I’d do the clean break+ don’t respond to followup messages.

        “I had a really good time with you, and I was really disappointed that you said you didn’t want to date right now since I felt like we had a connection. It doesn’t make sense to keep talking. Best of luck”

      8. Could you respond by “breaking up” with him, something along the lines of “I enjoyed our date too, but now that I’ve had a chance to get to know you a little better, I think it’s clear that we’re not a good fit.” I just wonder if there’s a way for you to resolve this so you feel some power here instead of letting him have all the power.

        Also, I am so sorry. This is just the worst and I am sending you all the hugs I can.

    13. I’ll be the lone voice of dissent. I’d probably reply with something like “seems like we’re not a match but best of luck to you! See you at the conference in phoenix.” I’m just too vain to let anyone think I’m silently seething with anger or crying with disappointment. And too petty to not
      get his hopes a little up for the next time I see him only to ignore him.

      I read the rules and for this reason, my entire dating career consisted of acting like I had the confidence of a girl who was prom queen. No long dates. No texting all night. No getting too attached. “Oh sorry I’ve been so busy!” Partly because men are awful and they love this schtick but also because it softens the blow when this inevitably happens. Which it does, to all of us. And it’s crummy and I’m sorry. Chin up or the crown slips darling. Routing for you.

      1. I love this reply. Keeps it breezy, no worries when you see him again, and you have much more going on than to worry about him! Keep your head up, OP! You did nothing wrong and nothing to feel bad about.

  3. Sober girls: did you find you needed a new routine for nighttime to make it work? What did you do?

    1. My husband does not chocolate. I knit and have a lengthy, pampering skincare routine. Some nights I skip it and just wash, but on nights I need to stay out of the kitchen, the “treat” of the routine is helpful, and I’m glad I have all the components on hand.

    2. I needed something in my hands for a while – Spindrift or Fresca were my evening go-tos. If I got too antsy, I went for a run, then hot shower and bed. Eventually the cravings waned.

      1. I like the ICE drinks for something in my hands. I pour in a glass with ice. No caffeine or sugar and the carbonation is fun. I like the black raspberry.

    4. Evening is lots of sparkling water in fancy glasses, then before bed, some sort of bedtime tea.

      1. Amen to tea! I also became a night showerer, which feels great and is a nice ritual.

    1. I am just wondering how this could possibly be worth it? Candles at Marshall’s are, like, $9.99. Can this possibly be 8x better than that?

    3. Don’t buy this brand!!! Don’t say “oh let me have this lovely fancy candle just to see if it’s worth the fuss.” Your home will smell like heaven and you’ll never go back to target candles. It’s a problem in my life!

      3. Exactly. These candles are gorgeous smelling. I won’t buy anything else at this point.

  5. I had the Sapin candle last year and it was wonderful. I didn’t splash out for one this year but I kind of regret it. If I received one as a gift I would be elated!!

    1. Okay, then, I am convinced. My husband LOVES candles and I didn’t really have anything special for him to unwrap. We are traveling for Christmas so this will be nice to have in the hotel room, plus easy to pack and I can pick it up locally tomorrow. Boom! Thanks!

      1. ooh! It’s so beautiful, you will not regret it!

        Expensive candles should be burned a special way. Trim the wick to 1/4″. Burn until the top of the candle is completely melted. Then blow it out. The hot welted wax will perfume your room for hours.

        If you want to burn a candle just for light/ambience, use a tall unscented pillar candle, so as not to waste the expensive pillar candle. They’re very nice burning side by side!

        Your Diptyque candle should last well into January this way.

  6. Why is it so d*mn hard to open a CD on etrade?

    Conversely, rates at Ally seem to be up again, so I’m into another 18mo CD there. Thinking of moving my e-trade checking to them also. Intertia is powerful but my ally account pays like 3% now for just letting my $ sit there, the CDs are more like 4.5% now for 18 months.

    1. Can you talk me through why you would get a CD as opposed to something else? I’m still learning about financial options.

      1. I can’t speak for everyone but last year I hit pause on house hunting and put the cash that would have been used for a down payment into a 1-year ladder CD so it wasn’t just sitting in a savings account being eroded by inflation.

      2. not the OP – but for 15 years CDs have not made sense because they didn’t pay more than the rate at a savings account. If you needed cash liquid you kept it in savings, and if you didn’t need it for 5+ years you could invest it. Now the market is super volatile and CD rates are paying significantly more than savings accounts. So for an 18-month CD, if you don’t think you’ll need the money in that time period (like emergency fund), then you can put it in there and make twice as much. Sometimes they’re even no-penalty, meaning you can get out whenever you want. You can also ladder CDs if rates make sense – have some money in an 18 month CD, some in a 24 month CD, some in a 4 year CD, etc, etc — but at the moment rates don’t make sense.

        iBonds through Treasury Direct are the best rate right now but you’re capped at $10K a year.

      3. When I received an inheritance and didn’t know what to do with the money, I put it in CDs. If I put it in savings, I would have wanted to dip into the money for all kinds of reasons.

    2. I found the process to be easy on fidelity. I have a need for some mid term savings (couple years) and I can get higher yield than in online savings account and not risk the stock market.

    3. Long-term investments need to really beat inflation. Thisn’t about that or my 401K. This is a portion of cash savings that I don’t “need” or can just get back with some interest loss as the penalty. Sitting around getting 0% interest erodes it. Sitting around getting 3-4% on a portion I won’t likley need makes me feel better about things.

      1. Not sure CD rates, but Vanguard Cash Plus is now 3.9% and doesn’t have any restrictions for withdrawals.

        1. If Ally has 3.3% savings rate, is it worth the hassle of chasing a higher interest rate? I have accounts with both Betterment and a Vanguard, but not sure it’s worth the hassle…

          1. Are you happy with Betterment? I have a recent influx of $ from a relative’s passing that I feel overwhelmed with.

        2. How did you get your Cash Plus account? Looks like it was invite-only and they’ve closed it to new people. I’m a long time Vanguard customer but didn’t receive the invite.

  7. Has anyone changed their last name a few years after the qualifying event? Was it difficult or awkward to do so? Got married in 2019 intending to take husband’s last name legally but honestly between COVID shutting things down and laziness, it still hasn’t happened though I want to. I just feel like it may be awkward or more convoluted now to explain why it’s taken me almost 4 years to do so. Has anyone dealt with this?

    1. Anyone can change any part of their name, at any time, for any reason (that is accepted by the judge). You shouldn’t have any problem.

    2. I have changed my name three times and each time it’s awkward for a while and then it’s a non-issue. I have also known a couple of women who did what you are doing — changing after the fact — and same. You don’t owe anybody any explanation beyond “there was a pandemic and it just took a while to get around to it.”

    3. Ummm, I changed my name legally about 20 years after the qualifying event. It was definitely no big deal. I had used it socially and for nearly everything except taxes and my driver’s license since the QE. Even my passport had my married name. I finally walked into a Social Security office with my documents and did it. Took 30 minutes, tops.

    4. Oh do the thing! Those people have seen it all. Changing your name a little after the marriage is not an issue and certainly not awkward. Good luck!

    5. Yes, I also waited about 2 years due to covid and life. I just took divorce paperwork to the local SSA office. I had to make an appointment via phone. The woman scanned my documents, and that was it. It took 5 minutes. I received my new card in the mail within 2 weeks.

      1. Following up, after SSA I took my new SS card to the DMV to update my license and went from there. Everywhere asked to see my driver’s license if they asked for any proof at all.

    6. I did it. Didn’t change when we got married, decided to change after birth of first child. I felt awkward about it, one person gave me shit about it, and the rest of it was easy-peasy and I’m glad I did it. In my state, it has to be approved by a judge, which was annoying only because the hearing date was so far off compared to when I made the decision. At the hearing, though, the judge asked me my reasons (I was taking DH’s last name so that we were the LastName family) and she was so understanding about how this can be a complicated decision for women and she understood. It was so nice and moving that I ordered the transcript because I’m a nerd and thought my daughters might have questions about it.

      1. As a daughter, I’d love that window into my mom’s mind. What a nice idea.

    7. Changing your name after marriage (or divorce) is normally pretty easy and simple, even if it’s been a while since the thing happened. You just need to show your marriage license or divorce decree to the state.
      I went the opposite way and reverted to my maiden name after almost a decade of marriage, no divorce. Logistically it was a mess and I had to go to court and get a ruling from a judge in order to do it. And definitely a bit awkward because a lot of people assumed (not unreasonably so) that I was getting a divorce. But I’m so glad I did it!

    8. If you’re in New York, apparently you can get married again to make the name change process easier. At least that’s what the clerk at the marriage bureau told me and my husband when we were there getting our marriage license.

  8. I’m pretty sure I’m having a missed miscarriage. I’m sure I should be 8+ weeks along but the dating ultrasound showed 6 weeks development size. (Due to a weird scheduling thing I won’t be able to speak to an actual doctor until tomorrow). I feel like I shouldn’t be surprised – I’ve barely been having symptoms, no nausea, which means the likelihood is higher – but I’m so surprisingly sad and keep crying. I’m also nervous about what the next few weeks are going to be like.

    Please share your miscarriage stories and help me feel less alone?

    1. I’m sorry. I’ve been in your shoes, and time is what helped. Please be kind to yourself. Don’t be ashamed if you need time off work for mental health. Totally valid to feel all the emotions. It is still a loss of what could have been.

    2. I’m so sorry. I’ve had a few miscarriages and it’s the loneliest thing in the world. The first time I was so sad I had to take a week off work. The second time, I had a procedure done and went back to WFH the same day, which was a terrible idea. Take time off if you can!!! They’ll tell you more but your options are 1) wait, 2) medication, 3) procedure. Both times I went with #3 because I just wanted to get it over with and start trying again asap.

      They’ll also beat you over the head with this but it’s not your fault and there was literally nothing you can do. It wasn’t the drinks you had before you knew you were pregnant, it wasn’t something you ate. It was almost certainly a genetic abnormality or some underlying condition you don’t even realize (septate uterus, etc).

    3. I’m so sorry. It sucks and it’s shitty, no matter how far along you are. It took me a long time to grieve my miscarriage. And if you have the option to get a D&C, take it. Once I knew it was over, I wanted the physical part to be done with asap.

    4. I’m currently experience my second miscarriage this year. They will likely get you scheduled for a one week follow up ultrasound to check the measurements and look for a heartbeat. At that time they can can confirm what is happening. I had one missed miscarriage – had raging pregnancy symptoms through week 11 despite losing the baby weeks earlier. I ended up having a D&C. Now I’m in the midst of a “regular” miscarriage passing it naturally. It sucks. I hope all goes well for you.

    5. Just a headsup – you may not find out anything for sure tomorrow. I had weird early pregnancy-with-bleeding that was ultimately an ectopic pregnancy for my first pregnancy (followed by two totally normal, boring and healthy pregnancies who are now elementary schoolers). I think there was like a 7-10 day period where I was going to the doctor for HCG blood draws and they were monitoring but didn’t know which way it would go. I wish you all the best and a quick resolution – but also be prepared it may not be a firm answer tomorrow. Internet hugs if you want them.
      P.S. I also know people who have bled during early pregnancy and ended up continuing to deliver the pregnancies with healthy babies.

    6. I’m guessing you didn’t hear a heartbeat at the ultrasound? At 8 weeks you typically would, so if you didn’t, it’s likely you are having a missed miscarriage. I had one two months ago – no heartbeat at my 8-week scan and the baby was measuring just under 7 weeks. I chose to have a D&C – I was offered the option of D&C, letting the m/c pass naturally, and medication, and opted for D&C. Only you know what the right choice is for you, but I chose D&C because that meant that everything was over quickly vs waiting for things to pass naturally or going through an induced m/c. The hospital handled it extremely sensitively, and the positive was that my pregnancy symptoms subsided almost immediately afterwards (I had intense morning sickness literally until they wheeled me into the OR for the procedure). Also, if you are interested in this, D&C enables them to do a pathology exam which can assist in determining the cause of the m/c. We didn’t do that because I’m 42 and the cause was almost certainly genetic abnormality due to my age, but it can be helpful in some circumstances.

      The other thing that helped me was leaning on my religious community for support and being fairly open about my experience. Many, many people came out of the woodwork to let me know I wasn’t alone.

      I’m sorry. It’s an incredibly sad and hard experience, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

    7. I went in for a 12 week ultrasound when I just wasn’t feeling pregnant anymore (after some serious morning sickness) and they said, nope, there’s the heartbeat, congratulations. Measuring a little small, though, you’re actually 9-10 weeks.

      I knew when my last period was to the day, I pretty much knew when I had ovulated, but I was so happy to see the heartbeat that we went ahead and told everyone we were expecting. I really should have known better.

      I started bleeding at 13 weeks and went in for another ultrasound. No heartbeat, and the embryo was still 9-10 weeks size. So upsetting. I had to have a D&C right then and there (ILLEGAL NOW!) to preserve my fertility, and I was so, so upset. It was actually my second miscarriage, but the first one was not as far along.

      That said, I went on to get pregnant again about 5 months later – yes, I did take a break to drink wine – and now that baby is turning 22 in February, and her little brother just turned 20. I cannot imagine my life with different kids and I’m extremely grateful for them.

      Hang in there, it really is extremely common, and I wish, like you, that we all talked about it more so you/I don’t feel so alone when it happens to us. Hugs to you, and sincerely wishing you all the best.

    8. I’m so, so sorry. You are not alone.

      I had a missed miscarriage the first time around – pregnant with twins but when I went in for an ultrasound around 7 weeks they were measuring small and there were no heartbeats. My doctors were terribly unhelpful and I ended up having to go back for two more ultrasounds just to make sure neither twin was growing. My body held onto those embryos for a whole month; I finally scheduled a D&C and then passed them naturally the night before the procedure was scheduled.

      What I wish I’d known: the miscarriage itself was much harder and more traumatic than anyone ever warned me. It was way worse than a bad period. I experienced contractions all night, increasing in intensity and frequency. When it peaked I was shaking and sweating and even vomited – then it was all over, like a switch flipped. This was on a Monday night and I took the rest of the week off work to recover physically and emotionally. I don’t know if this is typical, and I don’t want to scare you, but I was furious at the time that no one, especially no healthcare providers, warned me that it could be that intense.

      What I tell my friends going through this: Give yourself time and space to grieve. I mourned the loss for months and went through some really dark places. My husband was the best partner he could have been but there were times when I felt so distant from and angry with him that it scared me. I chose to be very open with friends, family and colleagues about my miscarriage which was hard at times and led to a lot of teary conversations, but also women came out of the woodwork to share their own stories and offer encouragement and I felt much less alone.

      Now, my hope and encouragement for you: this is not the end of your journey. I miscarried in May and got pregnant again in December (not trying consistently that whole time, took a few months off here and there for the sake of my mental health and marriage). That kid is now 2.5 and I am due in April with a second healthy-so-far baby.

      Sending you all the love and strength in the world. You will get through this and come out in a stronger place, although it might be a really difficult path through. But know that you are never alone.

    9. It’s so normal to be sad. I lost my first pregnancy just a few days after the first positive test — maybe 4 weeks 5 days in? — and I was devastated for a month. I had to deliver a conference that day (virtually, thank heavens), and then my (blessedly wonderful) in-laws arrived from out of town, so there was so much going on. A friend who had had a miscarriage sent me a sweet bracelet that I threw violently across the room. And then without even getting my period again (because the embryo passed naturally and so early), I ovulated, we conceived, and the result is 15 months old and learning to play hide and seek. I was very nervous the first 20 weeks of my pregnancy because of the prior loss, and friends and family who have gone through similar stories (let’s be real, many much harder than mine) say the same. This is all to say: It’s a big loss, and I’m so sorry.

    1. Yeah, Diptyque does make beautiful and high-quality candles… but I’m not bringing an $80+ gift to a house party. Something in the $10-$20 range is the going rate.

    2. I’ve wanted a Diptyque candle for a long time but haven’t splurged yet. If any of you do spend this much on hostess gifts, you are more than welcome at my house :)

    3. Seriously. When I’m the hostess, I don’t (usually) spend that much per person for dinner.

      1. True, but your time and effort are valuable!
        (I’m still not gonna bring you an $80 candle, but I don’t want you to sell yourself short)

        1. I’ll buy you an $80 candle because you’re giving me and my husband a night out and that always costs at least $80.

  10. How much damage should I expect to my home and belongings from a friend’s visiting toddler? 20 months. We’re childless, but not by choice, so I’m not grouchy or anything, just trying to figure out if I need to be aggressively watching my friend’s kid or if it’s her job or if I’m unreasonable or if I should get some toys? Toddler picked up and smashed a glass Christmas ornament I had out on display on a side table; plucked an assortment of ornaments off my tree; pulled the lamp cord out from behind a different side table, which my dog proceeded to trip over and cause the lamp to fall and break; and used a gift I gave the parents as a toy to play fetch with my dog… That was all in about the span of an hour. Normal toddler or should I ask my friend to keep a closer eye on her daughter or should I be the one to redirect her to toys I buy and keep at my place for her or what? Thanks.

    2. I’d say it’s not your responsibility to make sure your friend’s toddler has safe toys to play with. It might be a kindness to your friend to bring it up and offer to keep a few in your house. I’d do that gladly if friend had expressed remorse about the breakages and tried to keep a closer eye on her kid after the first one (if friend is being a space cadet and not paying any attention to her kid, that’s a different story).

      That said, put any other breakable display items well out of reach.

    3. I’m sure your friend is mortified that their child caused so much damage. I would have been on my kid like a hawk after the first incident. I wouldn’t bring it up with the friend, but would definitely get a small basket of kids toys to haul out when friends with kids come over to keep them occupied.

      1. Maybe this toddler is related to the coworker who broke a commenter’s stovetop.

    4. Also childless and boy do I remember the days when my friends had little ones. Play dough in the living room rug, pestering the living h3ll out of my very chill dog, letting themselves out of the house and parent having to run after, sometimes after I was the one who noticed and alerted parent, breaking things, spilling things.
      When I moved to a new house I did two things: one was to move the deadbolts on all outside doors up to about the 5′ level, and the other was to institute a toy closet in a guest bedroom. It had lots of toys, dress up stuff, the coolest sippy cups ever (I may or may not still use one of them myself), and art supplies. The kiddos seemed to love it, perhaps because it was different from what they had at home. Things improved about 99% as a result of the kid closet contents and the high deadbolts.

      1. I can attest that kids LOVE toys that are different from their own. It doesn’t matter how many toys they have at home, other people’s toys are the best.

    5. As a mom of 2, including a toddler, I’d be mortified & I would have left with my kid after the first incident. As a parent she should be watching her kid!
      I always keep some entertainment options with me for my kids – tablet, a coloring book, etc.

    6. Honestly that sounds like a normal toddler plus a bit of bad luck, but most toddler parents are aware of the destructive potential and either leave the child at home, suggest a more toddler-proof meeting ground, or watch the child like a hawk (especially since broken glass can hurt the child). But that level of kid surveillance is exhausting. I would get together with the friend at her house or somewhere more kid-friendly until the child is older. They will be a lot less damaging even a year from now.

      1. PS – to clarify, this was not your responsibility to prevent; it was the parents’, but the child sounds perfectly normal.

        1. +1 to all of this. And 20 months is a hard age because even if you bring a pack n play, good luck getting them to stay in it. Neutral ground or deliberately childproofed spaces are the best.

    7. is there an area in your home where toddler can safely play without breakables? not saying you need to full out toddler proof your home and as a parent i’d bring toys with me to occupy my child and i was lucky that mine were never quite like that, but i know others who are – a lot of it is out of curiosity. i do think your friend should be keeping a closer eye on her kid, but there is also the novelty of something new and shiny (like an ornament). anything super important to you i would put away. toddlers are often happy to play with tupperware and pots and pans, an empty roll of toilet paper. so put some of that out and you are good to go. unless this is a kid who spends A LOT of time at your home, no need for you to go out and buy toys

    9. I’d say that’s normal for a toddler in a house designed for adults and whose parents are not keeping a close eye on her. As a parent, I think it’s reasonable for the host to put any fragile display items out of reach. It doesn’t matter what toys I bring, a toddler is going to reach for a shiny glass ornament on a side table. Also as a parent, I’d corral my toddler into one space, only show him the Christmas tree while I held him and teach him to touch with one finger, and keep him away from any outlets and electrical cords. For an hour-long visit, I’d probably bring a swaddle blanket and some toys and put them down, then redirect when he tried to go elsewhere. But I’d also spend 75% of my energy doing that instead of talking to my friend.

      If you feel inclined to invite your friend and her daughter over regularly (I’m not sure I would), I’d suggest one of those inter-connecting letter foam mats. My MIL had this and used it with 4 grandchildren. It was remarkably successful at defining, to both adults and the child, where a toddler could play without physically containing them. And it can easily be stored. If you are also generous enough to buy some toys for your house, a Fisher Price Little People playset would be age appropriate and something that she could return to each visit for a while. (Maybe keep an eye on what pops up for free on FB marketplace over the holidays.)

    10. I am child-free by choice and my friends with kids bring plenty toys to my place when visiting. I do buy games and toys as gift for kids for when they visit and the items leave with them as I don’t want to allocate space for these at my place permanently. If I were “hosting kids” more often, I would keep one big box filled with Lego, drawing supplies, simple card games, small & big toys, blanket as well as wood-table protector mat (I had a kid accidentaly drawing on the wood instead of the paper).
      Also – your friends should keep an eye on the kid and ensure they don’t destroy your home.

    11. This is why I don’t take my tiny terrors to child free houses! I either invite other people over to mine or hire a babysitter.

    12. Toddlers are curious. My yiungest has already broken three ornaments this year. Which is not to say that it’s all okay, but mor that it’s not the kid’s fault.
      I have a childless friend who also happens to be a preschool teacher. When we come to visit with our small kids, she pulls out a set of plastic tupperware, some spoons, some measuring cups and sets up a little “kitchen” for my youngest. One time she even found an old bag of dried oregano and let my kid dump it all over a cookie sheet for kiddo to play with, and then let her use the dustbuster to clean it up afterwards. She is great at playing with my kid while keeping up a conversation with me and I am so grateful that she is in my life.
      Which is all to say, creatively re-direct by engaging with the child. You don’t need to buy a bunch of toys. And by engaging with the child, your friend will get the message and be grateful for your gracious way of handling it.

      1. This sounds like a lot to expect from a childfree person who is not also a preschool teacher. I’m happy that you have this friend in your life, but it’s far, far above what’s reasonably expected from OP.

      2. I would never expect this from one of my friends. Toddlers can be hell on wheels, but I’m surprised that all of this destruction happened under a parent’s watchful eye. What the heck happened here? Did the parent just … not redirect at all?

      3. I’m not sure a parent who allows that level of destruction to happen would get the message from someone playing with the kid…not to mention, no one should have to engage a child in hopes of the parent getting the message…
        The parent in this situation failed big time.

    13. As a very general matter, this is completely normal toddler behavior. In my house, I would move anything breakable out of reach (including lamps/anything with a cord). Glass ornaments and toddlers are not a good mix. And while the parents should perhaps have been keeping a closer eye, I will say that (1) that means they are spending all of their time watching kid and (2) people who live in toddler-proofed houses lose track of how much damage can be done.

      If they are coming again, it would be a kindness to have toys. Kids that age love anything new. However, I would vote for something softer than wooden blocks.

    14. Normal toddler *AND* your friend needs to keep a closer eye on her daughter. Toddlers are insanely fast and get into everything; this mother should have known you would not have a toddler-friendly home and supervised accordingly. As a mother, I am mortified all that happened, I was a helicopter in childfree homes when my kid was that age. I’d be visiting this friend at her place for the next 5 or 6 years.
      It’s not your job to redirect, it’s the mother’s. It’s also not your job to have toys on hand.

    15. With toddlers, I rarely, if ever, went to a house of someone without children. It’s just too stressful and challenging to keep a close enough eye and to be constantly redirecting while also trying to socialize.

      It’s on the parents to watch the child, but relocating fragile things at toddler height is an easy first step to making the visit more successful.

      If you want parents with a toddler to come and hang out at your house, it’d be an amazing gift to have an area that is fairly safe for everyone to spend time in. As a parent, I worry the most about things that can suddenly become deadly, like unanchored flat screen televisions, and things that are difficult to impossible to replace.

      Parents should bring some toys. Host-provided toys are lovely, but routine household supplies like metal mixing bowls, wooden spoons, some cotton balls and bandaids, etc. are also fun. I’d prioritize making the space safe over acquiring toys.

    16. Ok maybe I’m mean but I’d be saying things to friend repeatedly esp if they broke ornaments and pulled others off the tree. What exactly was friend or friend’s spouse doing? Shouldn’t they be on the kid like white on rice knowing that in a new place with a shiny tree they’ll be fascinated enough to pull on things? I feel like too many parents let their kids wreak havoc in others’ homes because shrug kids will be kids. I for one don’t put up with it nor is it my responsibility to supply toys. Sorry if the parent feels the child needed toys, do they realize they can bring some or these days get home delivery from Walmart or Target within one hour?

      And yes I have kids – preteens now who knew the rules even back then. If we told them not to touch something in someone’s home and they did, we were leaving.

      1. I had a go-bag of snacks, diapers, and fidget items, all per their age/interest. Lots of washable crayons and paper. Those little hanging loops. And a blanket to play on (and indicating roaming area). Breaking a lamp is dangerous for the kid and anyone in bare feet. Yikes. Some parents are just bad parents re this stuff. You are not a bad no-kid person. They are varsity-level out to lunch.

      2. Not mean. I would say something too, because none of that should have happened, or would have happened had the parent been *right there* like they should be. I would be mentioning a replacement for the lamp, too.

        1. Fwiw, the dog broke the lamp not the kid. Sure, the kid made it easier for the dog to trip, but I’m not sure I would have clocked that in the moment as a parent. Certainly, I would have tried to stop my kid from pulling on cords (if only for safety reasons), but I’m not sure it would have occurred to me to carefully re-position the cord after I dislodged the toddler. At any rate, I would have had my own 20 month old in my arms after the first ornament was broken — but this whole visit sounds super stressful.
          I’m making a mental note to invite any toddler parent who comes in my house to take a look around and move anything they think their kid will get into. I have kids, but the youngest is 11, and it’s easy to forget how nuts a 20 month old can be. Also, every kid is different. All of the people upthread recommending a playmat as a defined area for the kid? My younger daughter laughs uproariously.

      3. Also a parent and this exactly. And believe me, I had at least one toddler with tornado tendencies. I would’ve been mortified if he’d broken a freaking lamp!

    17. This is bad parenting, toddlers will get into stuff when unattended, but they shouldn’t be unattended. Parents should have a plan to redirect and pay attention to their own kid.

    18. This sounds particularly destructive and stressful.
      Unpopular opinion here- I think both hosts and guests have it in their power to make it a pleasant visit. If your house is not child friendly, then you tell your friend ahead of time and maybe suggest an alternative. If you are going to host, the child is also one of your guests so there is some kindness in making sure that they are having a good time and are occupied, just as you would if your friend brought their spouse over. If you aren’t up for that, suggest meeting at a park or a restaurant, or a child free visit.
      If you are visiting childless friends with your destructive toddler, you have an obligation to make sure your child behaves, is occupied, and doesn’t break things. If it is too much for you to watch your child and visit with friend simultaneously, suggest a different activity.
      I think trying to frame this as “job” or not is kind of beside the point and will just make you bitter. Because I think most of the commenters are somewhat right- the parent needs to watch their kid. But if you approach things with grace and understanding rather than resentment, it seems like it will make for a better friendship.
      Think about what the point of hanging out with your friend is and then plan accordingly.

    19. Super late comment, maybe you won’t see it. My couch is up against a windowsill with no gap, and I have tables with lamps on either side. My son’s friend was over – they were older elementary school aged – and his friend pushed the couch out from the wall, got back there, and then tripped over the lamp cords that were plugged in. This pulled one of my lamps off the table and broke it. I said, “hey, get out from behind the couch!” and didn’t say anything about the broken lamp. I didn’t yell.

      I heard from his mom the next day that I’d been mean to her child.

      Sometimes you can’t win. Bad parents produce bad kids. Say something to your friend now while you’re still friends, and while she still has time to do a better job!

      But I do agree with some prior posters, having a delicate glass ornament on a low table when you know a toddler is coming over was probably not the best idea.

    20. Friend should keep an eye on toddler. But if that’s not the case, you could politely ask her to do so if valuables are being broken. Keep breakables out of reach.

  11. How do you stop lifestyle inflation and how do you maintain a sense of frugality even if you’re wealthy?

    I grew up lower-income, but my mother has married someone who is extremely wealthy. I found out over the weekend that I’m in the will, and am now basically generationally wealthy. There are also the other things: my stepdad is going to give me $150,000 for a down payment on a house and set up a trust fund to cover my kids’ college, as examples. I make around $190,000 a year, though this may change.

    I used to be extremely frugal (worked 30+ hours a week while going to university full time), but now have kind of an eff-it attitude. I get takeout every other day, lattes every day, buy myself a couple of thousand dollars worth of clothes a year. I want to be frugal again, but I’m having trouble getting motivated to. I think I spent so long with a scarcity mindset that now I feel like I can’t beat myself back into feeling deprived (it was exhausting and painful). But also, I think frugality and intentionality are so important, and I want to have more control and intentionality in my life. My step siblings have never saved or seen the value of money, and I fear I’m becoming more like them. I also recognize that anything could happen and generational wealth or high salary is no guarantee, and this could be gone in a flash.

    Has anyone else struggled with anything similar as a result of increased salary or inheritance? How did you adjust or keep a sense of groundedness?

    1. There are big differences between living on a student shoestring, buying a daily latte, and not knowing the value of money. If you make six figures and aren’t in debt up to your eyeballs, you’re totally allowed a daily latte and new clothes! Frugality looks different for you at this stage; it isn’t “exhausting and painful” anymore. You can sign up for your coffee shops “buy 10 get 1 free” card; you can wait to buy clothes til your favorite shop is running a 30% off sale; you can find furniture used through FBMP, estate sales, thrift stores, etc. And you invest and save money appropriately from every paycheck and donate to people and things that are important to you.

    2. I have found that the scarcity mentality is the nemesis of good money management. I need to save FOR a reason, not to avoid being bad. For me, that can just be “I would prefer to have the $5 stay in my checking account than go to yet another latte today.”

      It is also helpful to replace spendy habits with less spendy habits (and “habits” bring a key part of this). Panera Sip Club plus a value duet for lunch is going to feel indulgent but costs half of a normal soup + sandwich + drink. Buy an
      espresso maker and make your own lattes (they are, I promise, every bit as good if not better than the ones you get out).

      Let clothing purchases sit in your cart and only buy them if you have been relentlessly thinking about them and love them. Sort through your clothing purchases and honestly assess what you are happy you bought, what you are okay eith having bought, and what you really wish you did not spend the money on. Contemplate that the next time you go shopping.

    3. Frugality is and should be different at different incomes. You don’t have to artificially deprive yourself.

      Intentionally is great though! If something brings you joy, enjoy spending more. Keep the rest frugal. For me, I increased my spending in charitable giving, exercise, travel, and live performances. My housing, car, and clothes spending are very low for my income because I am satisfied with that.

      I also bring others along with me, if that makes sense. So I will buy someone else a ticket to the play, bring takeout to someone else’s house, etc.

      1. This advice is for your salary. I also agree that you should pretend the other money doesn’t exist until it is in your hands.

    4. Gently, as of this moment, you have none of that money in your hands so your lifestyle should not change one bit.

      1. +1, live as if you won’t see a dime of that money, and then let it be a lovely bonus if you get it.

      2. +2 maybe I’m cynical but I feel like the odds you actually see this money are not great.

      3. This!!! Hopefully her mom won’t get divorced and her husbands financial situation will not change but if anything happens, he’s not going to continue with his current plan of helping you and your kids. I would still be frugal but a daily latte isn’t a big deal when you make $190.

      4. +3 My stepfamily had a member who was a CEO of a very well known company. I inherited exactly $0, despite being told that I would be given a “relatively small” inheritance (six figures out of a mid-eight-figure estate). Glad I never counted on it.

      5. This is helpful as a reminder. There is a prenup already where my mom gets 8 figures if they divorce, so I do think it’s a little bit more locked in than it might otherwise be. They’ve been together 20 years and he’s kind of a second father to me. BUT I hope they live forever and don’t want to even think about inheriting anything from either of them…

    6. I think your recognition of anything could happen and nothing is guaranteed IS a sense of groundedness, or at least the beginnings of one.

      Right now I’d focus on spending your money in ways that bring you joy. Are you getting the daily latte out of habit? Are you buying clothes because they’re on sale and you thought they were kinda cute? Cut back on that. Buy the clothes you LOVE. Treat yourself to a latte when you really, really want one. This is how you bring intentionality back into it.

      But, as kindly as I can, wanting to be on your student shoestring budget because…??? is like wanting to be your high school weight when you’re 35. You’re an adult now. It’s okay to spend money you have on things you LOVE.

    7. If I had that kind of extra income, I would start looking at local charities and donate money so I could see how it change someone’s life.

    8. Honestly? Spend the money on therapy. You don’t need to give up lattes. You don’t need to be more frugal. You would do yourself a favor to explore your trauma control and anxiety issues.

    9. YOU are not wealthy, your step-father is wealthy. So many things could cause you to see little or none of that money. Spend appropriately for the money you have now.

    10. i can understand this, i recentlyish inherited 450k in an IRA from my mom and then $250,000 from another relative for which i am all very grateful. Unless the world goes kaput, i’ll inherit ~3-4 million from my dad, though it depends on the stock market and how long he lives. i honestly don’t like thinking about that, but he is obsessed with discussing his will. i dont earn a ton, but DH does. my spending is not quite like yours, like i don’t buy a latte every day or get takeout every other day, but i was a worrier/anxious about money – spending too much time analyzing prices at the grocery store, spending so much time buying and returning things if there was a better sale (which at this stage of life is not a good use of my time), freaking out whenever DH bought coffee, so now I don’t do that anymore. Something we purchased for our home not too long ago has an irremovable stain (bleach) and rather than just keep looking at it until the next black Friday sale, I will purchase a new one for $70. signed my kids up for gymnastics which they’ve been asking to try. for me it is more like i feel less anxious, try to be more generous , but don’t spend more for the sake of spending more

    11. DH graduated residency and his salary increased x6+. I track our budget so I know our money is going to areas we care more about. We have personal savings goals, so that goes out first monthly. After that I see where our expenses are at and what’s extra. We outsource more things we don’t want to do: housecleaner, yard people, hire professionals for things in our house vs trying to fix it ourselves. Keeping track of our budget is so we know our money is going to where we want. I still try to grocery shop based on sales!

    12. I got a promotion that came with a $100K+ jump in salary. The job was really stressful and I knew that I might need to exit abruptly. That kept me very grounded in my choices. While I did more slightly spending on things that helped me save time (grocery delivery) I made sure not to have lifestyle creep as I didn’t want to have golden handcuffs. I saved the extra money so I can support myself for two years I have a job loss, invested in index funds, and paid down my house as well as refinanced when the rates were so that I could have the freedom of lower house payment. I’m glad I did all those things because I had to live my job abruptly. Thankfully I landed in another job that is less stressful and pays well but certainly not even close to what I was making before. Because of this board, I knew that I could amortize my home loan and that helped even more to have lower house payments.

      One of the things that helps me is reframing my thinking from scarcity to abundance. I have more than what I need so I can save for a rainy day in the future. I think about what really brings me joy and prioritize that. I figure out what small habits add up and see if I can hack those. I love a daily latte but I have a nespresso machine and make mine at home in comfort and those daily savings add up as the pods are less than the cost of a latte a Starbucks. I love having manicured hands and I’ve learned to get so good at it I prefer doing my own nails at home rather than going to a salon. I like cashmere but I’ve learned how to shop for it on Poshmark and Ebay (finding brands I know and like) so I can find good deals and make sustainable purchases. I still occasionally splurge on a massage and I like to take vacations but those help with my well-being.

    13. I have a slightly different view of this. I also grew up with low income then middle then upper middle class parents as they went through grad school and their careers. They’re still quite frugal. I would figure out with a financial planner exactly how much you need to save on a monthly (or annual) basis to maintain your lifestyle, then maybe add a buffer to that for extra risk aversion. Put that monthly amount into your saving every month and don’t feel bad about spending the rest. If I have leftover at the end of the month, I will also dump that into the savings account (actually a Vanguard portfolio). But otherwise, you work hard for that money, and you should be able to enjoy some of it!

    14. I’m in a similar situation. I’ll likely inherit millions in real estate, but who knows? My parents will hopefully live forever and I’d prefer that anyway.

      But to your question. I fund my 401 k and pay my bills and…don’t think frugality for it’s own sake is a virtue? Even without a potential inheritance I don’t think going without tiny indulgences makes me a better person. Being cheap to save a buck when it’s not necessary makes people pretty miserable and tough to be around, in my experience. I don’t go to Starbucks daily but I don’t think people with good finances should fret over 30 bucks a week either.

    15. Others have addressed the frugal issue but I’ll caution you to NOT count on new stepdad’s money no matter what he says. If he gives you a 150k for your down payment, great. As for your kids college trust, what happens when his own grandkid decides he wants to go to medical school and that costs a fortune and another grandkid wants to start a business, what is the guarantee that your kids still get the promised college money? Even money that is in a trust can be redirected and the trust changed. How do you know his kids will not balk at you and your kids getting money from him? Is there some guarantee he and your mom won’t divorce?

      1. Posted above, but if they divorce she gets 8 figures. No guarantee obviously that they won’t get divorced, but they’re very in love, in their seventies, and have been together 20+ years. The trust for the kids has been less on my mind than the down payment since that’s way off in the future, whereas I might need the down payment in the next year or so. But even if his grandchildren needed to go to med school, there would still be more than enough for my kids to have a trust (his net worth is probably around 100 million). The inheritance was more top of mind since I just found out about it yesterday, and it more gave me a sense of “Oh wow, my mom is way wealthier than I realized / I’m more taken care of than I realized.” That in combination with a higher salary than I used to have has really made me feel a lot less frugal than I want to be…

    16. I don’t value frugality as a general matter, so you could start there. I’m responsible but hardly frugal. I think a part of enjoying life is buying things and experiences that make it better. I like living in a comfortable home that’s well decorated, traveling, wearing nice clothes, dining out, etc. We can afford it, save and invest, and earn enough to enjoy spending money too.

  12. Talk me off a ledge? At the doctor’s this morning for my pap, they took images of some moles on my chest and back to send to dermatology, saying you’ll hear back from them in a week or two. I got a call 40 minutes later to make an appointment with the derm. I don’t think of myself as prone to hypochondria but now I’m convinced I am riddled with cancer? The person who set the appointment couldn’t tell me how urgent it was. I’m grateful for the quick response, but not I am terrified that they saw something realbad.

    1. Dermatology is its own world in healthcare, according to my hospital admin husband. They might just be super efficient over there. How far out did they schedule your appointment?

      1. Thanks, Vicky! I very much appreciate the dermatology department’s expediency and was fortunate to get an appointment for a week from today (a cancellation- thanks, holidays!)

        1. That doesn’t scream “we need to see you pronto” to me! Keep us posted.

    2. I would assume the derm is just not willing to say those moles look fine without seeing them in person, maybe partly for liability reasons.

    3. I’m guessing that if it was interesting enough to send to derm, it’s interesting enough for derm to check out in person, so there was never much chance that they wouldn’t schedule you in.

      Even if they say it’s suspicious and decide to biopsy, remember the vast majority of biopsy worthy moles are still not cancer.

      1. +1. My doctor has also told me to get a mole checked out by derm. They removed it, no big deal.

      2. That certainly does make sense, thanks Anon. I’m a big fan of double-checking, so I will try to chill out and enjoy considering myself (or at least my moles) interesting until my appointment next week!

    4. Definitely go to the derm annually and get these checked out as soon as possible. Several family members and my SO have had surgery to remove suspicious looking moles. Some turned out to be cancer. However, everything was successfully removed and they are diligent about going to the derm more often. Bottom line, most likely you’ll be fine even if you need minor surgery and to stay on top of it.

    5. Family history of skin cancer here, and every time I’ve gotten a mole removed and checked, it’s been benign. I’m sure you’re going to be just fine, but if not—you’re getting it looked at as soon as you can (which sounds pretty speedy to me), so you’re on top of things!

      Also every time I personally have been concerned about a mole, it’s been a normal change and NBD to my derm. Sounds like you have a very efficient dermatologist office which is so nice!

  13. Well, I’ve been putting off for a long time breaking up with my boyfriend. It has been very difficult because he is a great guy and we have been together for a long time, but we don’t connect anymore and our lives have grown apart. It makes me very sad. He kinda knows it is coming. He just texted that we needed to talk tonight about our relationship. So, tonight will be the night to do the thing. I feel awful, but know that this moment of pain will lead to a better life going forward.

    1. … but you’re going to listen to what he has to say first, right? He texted about it so he should get to go first.

      1. Why is this a rule? Legitimately curious. There’s no need for OP to launch into a lengthy discussion about the relationship if she wants to just end the relationship. I would hate to pour out my heart to someone with my true feelings about how we can fix our relationship or how invested I am, only for them to be like “well…nah fam, I’m out.”

        1. I’m torn. On the one hand, the person who initiates the hard conversation should get to be heard. On the other, I agree you don’t want to let someone wax poetic about how much the relationship means to them if you’re already out.

      2. Yea I wouldn’t let him go on and on about how he wants to try to save the relationship if she knows it’s over. I think it all depends on how the conversation goes.

      3. Yeah, we’ll see how it goes. Agree with the others that it would be really weird to let him go on if he’s trying to figure out how to fix things when I know that is the wrong decision. I really don’t think that is the case though, I think he knows this isn’t working. He’s a very smart emotional intelligence guy.

        1. That’s fair – I was the original commenter and I just meant, let yourself be dumped if that’s why he texted; don’t rush because you’d rather break up with him. If that makes sense.

    2. I’d be tempted to text back something like “sounds like we both know this isn’t working, let’s talk to wind things up”

  14. Hit me up with your favorite lip balms, because I need a new one. I was devoted to Carmex for literally decades, but as I hit middle age, it seemed to make my lips drier. So I tried a few and landed on Bite Beauty’s agave balm. They went out of business around a year ago, and I stocked up when I heard, but I’m almost out. I prefer a twist-up tube formulation, but anything I can apply without putting my fingers in it is possible. What do you all use?

    1. I really love mongo kiss lip balms. You can get them at Whole Foods for a couple of bucks. They’re very luxurious and moisturizing.

      1. I’ve never noticed these, but just looked up the brand and it seems promising. Thank you!

    2. After a decades-long love affair with blue-tube Chapstick, I’m cheating on it with Burt’s Bees Vanilla Bean and not even regretting it.

    3. Burt’s Bees pomegranate chapstick has been my favorite since high school! It has a subtle tint.I’m never without it.

    5. I have tried all there is but ended up using Aquaphor ointment on my lips. The only thing that keeps the moisture in during summer/winter/biking/workouts. I apply a thin layer 3x day (morning, lunch, before sleep) and my lips are in perfect condition. The tube lives in my handbag and use it also on hands in winter.

    6. Blistex Lip Medex in the blue pot is my go to for overnight or really chapped lips in the daytime.

    7. I loved Fresh Sugar (not tinted) for years, but the $16 became $20 became $24 so I looked for cheaper alternatives. I am currently liking the Korres lip butter stick.

    8. I bought Dr. Bronner’s Lip Balm on a whim from Target and I’d recommend it. It works better for me than Chapstick, EOS, or Burts bees.

    10. I aged out of Carmex too! I slather plain aquaphor on my lips when I’m at home and my lips have never looked better.

      I wear color during the day though.

    11. Love Burts Bees tinted lip balm in red dahlia for color. Subtle and adds a nice color.

    12. Aquaphor. The original kind, not the “lip treatment” kind. I had especially dry lips for awhile and my dermatologist said that Aquaphor was her #1 recommendation. She was right. I keep small tubes in all my bags.

      1. Yes! The lip treatment aquaphor is a LIE. I have multiple tubes of the regular kind.

    13. Burt’s Bees – the OG formula.

      FWIW Carmex seems to lock in whatever moisture level my lips are at. So if they are dry to start with it does not help. Whether it really does this or not, in mind it shortens the duration of cold sores so that is when I use it.

    14. I know it’s a little pricey, but Laneige is 100% worth it IMO. They do have tubes so you don’t have to touch it but I always try to put it on before bed.

    15. I will only wear lip balm with high SPF (for Yikes above, I’ve had 10 or 12 moles/freckles/growths removed by my derm after a parent had a massive melanoma removed 25 years ago). Currently chapstick SPF 30 (the one in the orange tube).

      1. Adding for Yikes: everything my derm has removed has been benign. On one of them, she had not quite gotten all the edges clear, so I went back and she took a little bit more off. All totally normal. All not a big deal. My derm has the ability to make a perfect circle when she shaves something off, and I bet yours does, too, so even though there is a minor scar (mine are white (I am Caucasian and fair) and fade over time), it will still be pretty/not ugly. It will be OK.

    17. Aquaphor. Plain boring Aquaphor at night, and the stick aquaphor during the day.

    18. Aquaphor is the #1 best ever ever ever. And they make a twist-up tube.

      Do you know that many lip balms contain drying ingredients to get you to buy more lip balm? Chapstick included, but especially Carmex.

      My summertime daytime favorite is Kiehl’s with SPF 15. If Aquaphor ever starts making the stick version with SPF, I will switch to that.

  15. Can I get some opinions on what to get to admins who help me out some – mostly with scheduling with their bosses and occasionally with setting up meeting rooms/food/etc. They do not report to me, but rather support my team as a whole (mostly my skip level and his boss) and the head of a team I also support. I interact with them maybe once a week/every other week, but when I do interact I usually need them to do something quickly or a bit out of their official duties. Nonprofit in the south if that makes a difference. Looks like my grand-skip level got them some sort of consumable box. Does $25 to Starbucks and a homemade goodie seem reasonable?

  16. Has anyone (perhaps one of our European posters?) seen a thoughtful essay on the very elderly being tried and convicted in Germany for “minor” war crimes? Today’s conviction of the 97 year old woman for aiding and abetting as an 18 year old concentration camp secretary 80 years ago is bringing up some mixed feelings for me, and I’m uncomfortable with the fact that I’m having those feelings. I’m not at all saying she didn’t aid and abet, but more like she’s only being prosecuted because she just happened to live long enough for public opinion to turn from “let’s just get the really bad guys” during the Nuremberg days to “zero tolerance” today. There were thousands (tens of thousands?) of others more or equally deserving of prosecution, but they’re all dead now. Anyway, has anyone seen a thoughtful essay on this, maybe one with interviews with members of the Jewish community for their take?

    1. I’d be interested in this too – I think at some point we have to let some bygones be bygones, especially if those in question are 97 years old and no longer a threat to anyone.

      1. It was the Holocaust and it happened less than 100 years ago. There are many survivors still alive. I’m sorry if I’m not ready to “let bygones be bygones” about the actual Holocaust. I’m actually shocked by this attitude.

        2. +1 anyone and everyone who participated in the Holocaust should be held accountable. I don’t care how old they are now.

          To the point below: 18-year-olds know right from wrong. Youth is not an excuse. Saying that you realized later it was wrong to participate in genocide does not absolve you.

      2. Ooof. I never, ever want to see somebody say “let bygones be bygones” about genocide.

      3. I’m sorry what?! At what point do we have to let the genocide of Jews go? I hope they continue to punish everyone they catch. So many of my grandmothers generation simply aren’t here at all.

      4. In general when talking about crimes, if a person has changed since the time they did their crimes, then I figure they feel bad about the crimes and understand why other people feel the way they do and why they want justice, and why people may not feel safe around them even years later.

        If they don’t feel that bad and don’t understand that much, then I guess it doesn’t seem like they changed all that much either, so it doesn’t seem like an injustice to me.

        1. Yes – I’m sorry about my wording, it was imprecise and dismissive. This is what I meant – If someone has realized what they did what wrong and has expressed that, at 97, I think jailtime may not be the solution.

          1. Did you notice she got a 2 year suspended sentence? She won’t serve time in jail.

          2. She’s not going to jail. I agree jail time is not appropriate for a 97 year old but I’m not sure why she shouldn’t be convicted.

      5. We, as a society, should never let the literal holocaust be bygones be bygones.

    2. She was tried in juvenile court and she got a 2 year suspended sentence for being complicit in 10,000 deaths. I mean, should I feel bad for her? I’m Jewish, and I don’t.

      2. This is something where I’m happy to defer to the German legal system.

        FWIW, there were *plenty* of Germans who escaped prosecution for war crimes in the immediate postwar period, even though they richly deserved to prosecuted. And I’m not even talking about people who emigrated or went underground, more of the “everybody in Hofburg knows that Old Herr Schmidt was a camp guard but prosecutors never charged him.”

    4. Perhaps not the thoughtful essay you’re looking for, but my husband’s grandfather was drafted into WWII at 18 and liberated a concentration camp at 20, and he knew what he was seeing was wrong. And a lot of Jewish 18 year olds never got to be 97 years old, because they died in those same camps. So I’m not especially sympathetic. She lived decades that millions never will, because people like her collaborated in the machinery of extermination.

    5. There is no statute of limitations on war crimes.
      Why does it matter if she is only being prosecuted because she lived long enough for public opinion to embrace zero tolerance? She got to live decades that so many millions never got to live.
      If you’re serious about finding a ‘thoughtful essay’, perhaps you could contact a holocaust museum and see what they have for you.
      In the meantime, you could check out the many books movies, and other pieces about the holocaust to get an idea as to why people feel it is still important to bring these people to justice, even though they are elderly and will never serve jail time.

    7. The decimation of the Jewish population was so near complete that there are actually fewer Jews alive today – 70 years later than there was at the start of the holocaust.

      I have no sympathy for anyone who aided this sort of destruction – no matter their age or their role.

  17. A big Thank You to those who responded to my “on the fence about babies” post from this morning. I’ve been twisted recently over the fact that I’m unsure about motherhood and my new husband wants kids. Hearing other’s experiences was really helpful – I needed reassurance that that I’m normal, and not everyone who has kids (and wants them) starts from a place of being 100% sure. I think I’ve also been worried about losing myself in the motherhood process…but it’s hard to talk to folks (without sounding critical) about how you don’t want to be “just” a mom, when from the outside it can seem all-consuming.

    1. My sister recently had a kid to appease her husband (and I also think to like compete with his ex who he has a previous child with, but that’s another story). On instagram it looks really great, everything is cute and curated, but behind the scenes things are really tense, I only know because I’m family but she straight up lies to all her friends since there is shame. She’s losing herself to being ‘mom’ despite trying really hard not to, but daycare calls her, and society just has higher expectations for moms than dad’s and she can’t push back.

      1. Thanks for sharing this anecdote, I could share several where people I knew were on the fence or wary about having kids and they had them and everything worked out really great for them. They’re very happy and very glad they had kids, and the kids are happy and doing great. Always two sides to everything.

      2. Blended families are an additional level of stress and complication. Not saying they can’t be happy, but I wouldn’t compare this to a situation where neither spouse had kids before the marriage.

  18. I recently have had a lot of life changes (deaths in family/move/looming career changes), and have started to reach out to some old friends from my past after being more solitary for years. One of my closest friends from childhood into young adulthood now lives in my town. It is actually wonderful in many ways, although it is crazy how you fall back into roles from childhood, which is not always good for my fragile insecure self. She is still the beautiful/talented one that gets all the guys and floats through life charming all, with ease — we are who we are.

    Anyway, my friend has also had some financial struggles with divorce, and decided to make a drastic career change. After being in the arts/private teacher for years, with a modest income, she decided to train to become a financial planner/advisor. This is about 100% flip as you can do. But she is smart so I thought… good for her! Although, I admit – she was never very careful about $ though. Hence, the need for a career change.

    So within a month, she is hired by a financial company I have never heard of, and amazing to me, they paid her to do all of her training to take the “exams” she needs to take. She takes them and passes and starts her formal job training, which is mostly virtual “shadowing” of other consults with their clients I think. She still doesn’t go into an office. And she just revealed to me, that she has to find all of her own clients. So you see where this is going…..

    During this whole process, she has occasionally called me to ask me some financial “questions”. Could be anything from “what is important to you when you think about finances” to “What insurance do you have?” to “Do you have a ROTH IRA?” etc…. I had the impression that she was being asked to do this as part of her training, to get used to asking these questions and starting conversations, and she indicated as such.

    Well, let’s just say now I am really uncomfortable with my friend. She has now directly asked me twice if she could start doing my financial “analysis” or whatever. “Let me help you….” Slightly painful, as she asked me again directly after a parent just died (ouch) and then asks about what $ they left me etc…. I have told her, while trying hard to be nice but a little evasive – No. I don’t need any help. No. I don’t feel comfortable sharing that. I’m fine. But maybe I’m too nice.

    Because part of me is like… really?? REALLY???? You know that I know you, right? And that I started my ROTH IRA when I was 18, and you didn’t know what a ROTH was until 2 months ago?

    It just makes me sad, and a little angry.

    What is a kind, but firm script to say to your….. closest childhood friend…… who now wants to manage your finances?

    1. Sounds like she joined an MLM. Primerica, AEGON, World Financial Group – there are a handful out there.
      I’d start with a breezy response + subject change – “oh no thanks. Did you hear about that author event at the bookstore?”
      Get gradually more serious if she presses. “You’ve asked me that a couple times now and I’ve said no. I’m proud of you, but I’m not interested in having you be my financial planner.”
      If she doesn’t let up – and if she’s in Primerica, she won’t – “No. I do not want you to manage my finances. I’m going to have to stop hanging out with you if you keep asking, because it really bothers me that you won’t take no for an answer.”

    2. I think you’re doing fine.
      Just a simple “I’m happy with my financial planning, analysis, etc., and don’t want to make any changes. But happy to talk about your new job/family/whatever.” And repeat as needed. You can also add “I don’t like having close friends be in a position where they help manage my finances/be my doctor/etc. – would like to keep the relationship as just a friendship to prevent any issues this could create.”
      Also, you can’t really change people who are determined to be pushy, especially if it’s clear they’re intent on not respecting your boundaries.

    3. “It’s my firm policy to refrain from going to professionals who are friends. I need to keep clear boundaries between my personal life and my professional relationships. I’m the same way with my doctors, dentist, and CPA.”

    4. “Hey Amanda, I’m not in a position to be a client. I’m pretty private about my finances and would hate to complicate our relationship like that. I am excited for you though and I think you could be great at this. Let me know if you want to practice your cold call pitch or brainstorm leads.”

    5. I would say that you appreciate her offer of help but you’d like to keep finances separate from friendship and leave it at that. If she pushes back tell her this is firm boundary for you and that if she is your friend she should respect it. Ugh — sounds like an uncomfortable situation.

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