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Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Betty Jacket

DSquared Betty Jacket | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I've linked to numerous affordable versions of bright yellow blazers, but I like the look so much I thought I'd link to a fancier version — this DSquared blazer looks bright and happy, while still being professional. I'd wear it with shades of gray (dark gray pants, light gray blouse) or perhaps a simple navy/white combination. The blazer is $628 at Zappos (down from $1255). DSquared Betty Jacket Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

239 Comments

    1. Suze: I’m surprised you’d spend this much $ on a jacket. I know you’re a TV personality and author, but I saw you as more of an Express shopper.

  2. Apologies for a very basic dressing one’s self question, but how do you wear blazers at work? Do you spend the whole day in them, even while sitting at your desk working? Do you wear them only for meetings, but take them off while in your office? I would like to wear more blazers at work because they look so much more polished than cardigans, but sitting in my office in a jacket feels weird.

    1. I wear mine if I am cold in my office (prob 60% of the time) but take it off the rest of the time. I always wear it to meetings (external) but only to internal meetings if in a conference room/more formal, not if I’m just going down the hall to talk to someone else.

      1. This is what I do too. I’m more inclined to wear my blazer when I am wearing a sleeveless top. It’s really hot here now so I sometimes leave my blazer in the office when I step out to lunch with co-workers.
        Men in my office wear coat and tie most days. I’ve noticed that they leave the jacket off unless they are headed to an external/client meeting. Many of them leave their jackets in the office for lunch as well.

      2. Exactly this, except my office is cold at least 80% of the time, so I often end up just wearing it all day. I used to be a cardigans-only kind of girl in unless it was a day I needed a full suit. I’ve converted to mostly blazers in the last couple years, and you do get used to it…

        I do usually wear my blazers more casually though, since my office isn’t super formal. ie, the sleeves are usually rolled a couple times and I never button them. That tones down the “I’m so fancy sitting alone at my desk” feeling.

      3. This is what I do – if I’m not wearing at my desk but I’m going to a meeting or whatever I’ll put it on. Mainly so I can put my reading glasses in the pocket.

        I’ve noticed the men seem to almost always have a jacket on/with them, while the women don’t, and I don’t know if I’m dressing ‘too smartly’ nearly always wearing a jacket.

    2. I wear them in my office b/c I’m always cold, but I’ve heard other people say basically wear them whenever you’re up and about or meeting with someone but not necessarily when you’re at your desk

    3. This is a know-your-office situation. I would +1 anon’s advice to wear them whenever you are up and about, but that’s not necessary in a business casual environment. If you do take off your blazer, make sure whatever you are wearing is still office appropriate. No sleeveless tops when your jacket is off, if your dress code doesn’t allow them.

    4. I wear mine all the time. I think it’s more what I feel comfortable with than any actual office dress code.

      1. Same here. If I wear one, it’s my outfit for the day and I don’t view it as outerwear. If I lived or worked somewhere hot maybe I’d take a different approach.

    5. I take mine off when sitting at my desk because I wear through the elbows too fast otherwise.

    6. Blazers aren’t required at my office every day, so when I wear one, it’s usually part of a planned outfit so I keep it on all day. I really love ponte blazers, which I find are most comfortable to sit around in.

      If I have to wear a suit one day, I do usually take off my jacket unless I’m actually at the meeting or court appearance. That’s how everyone (men and women) does it in my office.

      1. Yeah, if it’s a suit jacket, I think it’s uncomfortable to be sitting at my desk/computer in it all day. I’ve never found a suiting jacket that’s actually comfortable. I usually have an extra cardi in the office and just wear the jacket to court/mediation/etc. Otherwise, I’ll be wearing ponte or sweater blazers and those I will keep on all day because I’ve planned them as part of an outfit.

    7. It depends on (a) whether the blazer is comfortable, (b) the temperature in my office, and (c) what I’m wearing under it. Generally, I keep it on but if I’m got it goes pretty quickly. Though if I’m sleeveless underneath, I try to keep it on…though comfort almost always trumps in my office. I generally put it on if I’m going to a meeting or walking the hallways.

    8. I wear mine pretty much all day, except if it’s very hot (which rarely ever happens in SF). Blazers aren’t outerwear to me, they are part of an outfit.

    9. I take blazers off when I’ll be sitting at my desk for long periods of time and wear an old comfy cashmere cardigan. I’m like Mr. Rogers.

    10. Ditto on Mr. Rogers. I will wear a blazer if I’m meeting with clients or on my way to a hearing. However, once I’m back in my office, I will take the blazer off and put on a cardigan. It’s just more comfortable to type and do desk tasks in a cardigan.

    11. I treat blazers almost exactly the way I treat a cardigan. So, on when I’m cold, off when I’m hot, always on for external meetings.

  3. Ladies,

    Immediate TJ shopping request. I know I have asked before for a recommendation for a large tote bag to carry my legal files, lunch, shoes etc. back and forth to work, but now I can’t find them!!!

    The constraining factor is the length – it must be 17″ long at top and bottom, otherwise I can’t fit the redwelds in without much wailing and gnashing of teeth! :) Also would like 12″ high and about 5″ wide.

    1. The Lo & Sons OG might fit your requirements, though the top of the bag is curved (domed) so I’m not sure about getting the redwelds in and zipping it shut. I got my purple version on on super sale for about $160 a few months ago and luuuuurve it. I know people here have already waxed rhapsodic about its organizational features, and I’ll just say that a huge part of the reason I love it is that it’s super lightweight — perfect for carrying heavy files or a laptop because there isn’t much added weight.

      1. Hmm. Does it have a lot of other pockets though? I don’t like separate compartments, I just like to throw everything in.

        1. There are lots of organizational pockets in front and some inside, but LOTS of room for files. I think you can get an inside view on their website.

    2. The Banana Republic Larkin tote might work – it is 16.5 inches across, but is pretty close to the dimensions you request.

      1. I have this and love it but I think it’s too small for what OP is looking for – it’s a great weekend bag (or work if you don’t take much with you)

        1. The dimensions stated are 18″x13″x5″ and OP asked for 17″x12″x5″ with few pockets. This tote sounds perfect for her.

          1. yes, I can see how you’d think that – I’m saying I have it & it’s not nearly as large or useful for schlepping work items like a computer & redweld as you’d think from reading about it.

        2. I see that in the description, but in the picture it looks taller than it is wide, or square at best.

    5. Everlane’s Petra Portfolio fits the bill dimension-wise and has only two interior pockets.
      It does not, however, have a top-closing mechanism (zipper or magnetic button), if that is something you require.

    7. I saw someone with a bag that sounds perfect on a flight from Chicago to San Francisco a few weeks ago and have been searching the web for it since then in vain. It was a large white (leather, I think) tote, with a seam down the middle, black handles and strap and a black bottom. The woman carrying it had a very large laptop she was carrying, so I think it could handle almost anything. Does this sound familiar to anyone (or maybe it was one of you stylish ladies on the flight)?

    1. It feels like a lot of the recommendations lately are in very limited sizes (this is just sizes 2, 4, and 6, Friday’s dress was S/L only, Thursday’s coat only went up to a 10). But maybe the items had more availability when Kat prepared the post, with the exception of the coat because it is pre-order.

      1. I think it’s because she mostly posts things when they go on sale, so sizing is limited.

      2. I do think she’s picking the items further in advance due to the fact that she’s still on maternity leave, so sometimes the items were well stocked when she found them but not by the time they post.

    2. I kind of like it. I could see it looking really pretty with a black blazer, or even a red blouse or sweater if you could get the tones right. It’s subdued enough that I’d probably pretend it’s not memorable and wear the heck out of it in the fall and winter. That said, it’s more than I would spend on a skirt.

      1. I love it. I’m not sure if it’s that memorable but I don’t tend to remember outfits unless they were particularly outlandish or particularly fantastic.

    6. I like the idea of it more than I like the actual thing. If it were in different colors (blues, maybe), I’d be all over it.

      ETA or, uh, what Orangerie said…

    8. I would like the print better on a blouse than a skirt. I find printed skirts/pants harder to match with a blazer or cardigan that looks right. The color needs to blend, the fabric needs to be the right weight, and the length of the topper needs to hot in just the right place – that’s a lot of marks to hit!

    9. Nay. If my computer screen is showing the color accurately it looks a bit grubby.

  6. Shopping help please!

    Has anyone seen a good khaki/light brown sheath dress? I would prefer a light seasonless wool or a ponte over a linen or other material, but I’m flexible. I’m 5’8″, size 14, fairly straight figure. Remember the conversation a couple weeks ago about how Boden is cut for the flat-chested and high-waisted? That’s me exactly, Boden 14L fits me perfectly.

    Thanks for any thoughts!

    1. Yay! Pricey Monday’s! I love pricey Monday’s and this Blazer! But I do NOT wear blazer’s, and my blond hair would NOT go to well with yellow, as I perfer to dress conservativeley and NOT call attention to myself.

      As for the OP, check out Bannanna Republic–they have alot of good stuff in those color’s. And they are NOT to expensive either — YAY!

      Now that I am back, the manageing partner is all over me trying to figure out what is goeing on with my cases. He was suposed to keep an eye on them with Mason, but he did NOT. Fortunateley, the judge was also away, so it is OK. Mason did have a faux pass with the manageing partner. He was in my office with Lynn and the manageing partner caught them doeing stuff they should NOT have been doeing. He yelled at Mason and sent Lynn home for the day. I warned him about them. Mason will have to exercize more judgement about what he does in the office, the manageing partner says.

      It will be my job to keep those 2 apart. FOOEY!

    2. Boden has a couple things that might work for you right now – though cream seems to be the in color more than khaki right now. Also – do you have a Brooks Brother’s outlet near you? They almost always have something like this (though they don’t have one on their website right now.)

      I don’t know your budget – but if its not too dark this CK one might be good (it looks nice and long which should be good for you.) Though the back might be a bit racy for work so stick a sweater or jacket over it? http://couture.zappos.com/calvin-klein-collection-sheath-dress-henna

      1. I have this dress (and the matching Olivia jacket) in 100% cotton black/white seersucker, and I love it. The seasonless stretch fabric seems, looks and feels cheap to me — much to my dismay because if the fabric were right, it would be a great dress + jacket = suit in a number of basic colors.

    6. Talbots Polished Sleeveless Dress is on sale for $59.99. It looks like there’s only a 20 online in misses, but your store might have more. I have this dress in pink and love it.

  7. So I went dress shopping at BHLDN this weekend, and since I promised a review, here goes:

    The Houston store was beautiful, and the stylist that helped me was lovely. We had a back room with mirrors and dressing room all to ourselves. I picked out a couple of dresses from the site beforehand, which the stylist had pulled, and then the stylist also pulled several dresses she thought I might like, including a couple that were new for the Fall and are not online yet.

    The dresses were gorgeous, and the fabric quality was very good. Better in some dresses than others – there was one dress made of a special french silk that I could have worn for the rest of my life.

    BUT – many of the dresses didn’t end up looking good on me. I realize now that most of the dresses are a very similar style, with a true waist, and just didn’t work for my body type (petite, but hourglass). Additionally, the dresses I tried on did not have the same kind of boning and structure in the body that dresses at other stores had, so you’d be more likely to want to wear shapewear with them (I was shocked at how good my bod looked in some of the dresses I tried in other stores! Can I just wear a corset at all times?).

    In the end, I did find one dress that I love, and the price was (very) right. I didn’t order it yet though and think I’m going to go to some other stores before I make the final decision. In all, I’d definitely recommend checking them out if you like the look of the dresses online.

  8. I really wanted to like these, but am sending them back. I think that my large hip to narry waist ratio defeated the ease of the pull-on waist (for straighter figures, YMMV). But the main thing for me was a flashback to maternity jeans which I couldn’t get past. I seem to be OK with elastic waists in workout attire, but can’t get over a big (3″?) stretchy elastic on my jeans.

  9. I received a very disturbing report about my BF and I’m really not sure what to do about it. I met BF’s friend’s wife for the first time over the weekend. She told me that, years before I met BF, BF had sexually assaulted her sister. Sexual assault is my term, not hers, but what she described to me was a sexual assault – apparently he had been generally creepy toward sister and then cornered sister in the back seat of a car and groped her against her will. Neither BF nor BF’s friend were at the party, but I asked BF about it later and he asked his friend. BF doesn’t remember this incident at all – he doesn’t even remember going out with them that night, which probably means he was black out drunk – and his friend, who was there, said that BF didn’t grope sister and actually sister liked him and thought he was funny.

    I’m a child abuse, domestic violence (2x – father and ex), and rape survivor. I can’t be with someone who sexually assaulted a woman. Nothing about BF leads me to believe that he would do something like this; he’s a happy go lucky, life of the party kind of guy. But then again no one ever goes into a relationship thinking the guy would hurt them. I don’t want to end a relationship over a false accusation, but if it’s true then that’s a dealbreaker. I really don’t know where to come down on this. Help?

    1. Your comment “probably means he was black out drunk” – this wording seems familiar to you (as in, he’s a heavy drinker now?) Not all drinkers abuse people, but one certainly can lead to another. And black-out drinking is its own problem.

    2. I am not a survivor of DV or rape, though I work with them, so I am extremely hesitant to give advice because I think you need to do what makes YOU feel safe in this situation. And anyone else’s tolerance level for discomfort is not going to be the same as yours. But my considerations in this would be two-fold – (1) could I talk to the sister about this without revictimizing her [I mean, maybe she’s “fine” because this is her brother’s friend…you know?] and (2) what is BF’s response to the general concept of this *being* an assault. If he brushes it off, I’d be very concerned. But if he takes it seriously and understands this is a line he could never, ever cross with you (or anyone) – then that would help.

      I would also think about what it means that he’s the life of the party. Does he frequently get very drunk? Do you trust his behavior when drunk? Drinking does not get less severe the longer you are with someone so you need to assess how comfortable you are with his drinking habit now.

      1. long reply in moderation but +1 to “(2) what is BF’s response to the general concept of this *being* an assault. If he brushes it off, I’d be very concerned. But if he takes it seriously and understands this is a line he could never, ever cross with you (or anyone) – then that would help.” – I think that’s the bigger issue – even if he might have done something he now regrets – does he understand why it would have been wrong etc.

      2. BF has taken this very seriously; he definitely sees it as an assault. He completely understands why I’m as upset as I am and that’s why he reached out to his friend to ask what had happened in as neutral a manner as possible – i.e., he didn’t say, your wife accused me of this, he just said, please tell me what happened. He was shocked to hear this and he’s disgusted with himself that it could have happened and he can’t remember it. His focus now has been to reassure me that he would never hurt me or anyone else.

        In the past BF was a very heavy drinker. I didn’t know him then, but I’ve heard a lot of stories, so it doesn’t shock me that he would get black out drunk at that time in his life (about 5-6 years ago, maybe a bit more). He backed off on the drinking before we started dating, and he’s been drinking even less in the year we’ve been together. He’ll always be the life of the party, that’s just his personality, but he doesn’t rely on alcohol to do that now.

        1. Then what’s the problem? He was over the line when he was getting blackout drunk a lot. He regrets his actions, understands your concerns, respects your point of view , and has already fixed the drinking problem.

          If that, combined with him having treated you well, makes you want to break of the relationship I’d suggest therapy, because it sounds like you are letting your past interfere with something really good, and that’s sad.

          1. There is still the problem that he could have sexually assaulted a woman. Did you read her original post?

          3. “There is still the problem that he could have sexually assaulted a woman.” +a lot, in addition to the fact that the OP is herself a survivor, and is 110% justified in setting her own limits with what she’s comfortable with. I’m glad that he has fixed his drinking problem and is taking this seriously, but “I was blackout” is not an excuse for this.

        2. This is so tough. I have not gone through what you have, but I would also be very, very wary and upset if I was told this about my SO. I agree that if you feel it’s appropriate, speak to the sister (the potential victim) in the most sensitive way possible. Basically “I was told about the incident, it’s making me completely rethink my relationship as I can’t be with someone that would do this, and if you’re willing could you tell me what happened?”

          So sorry you’re going through this.

          1. It’s not the “victim’s” job to make the OP feel better about her relationship. I’m stunned you’d think it appropriate to intrude on this other woman’s private life like this.

          2. I’m confused by your responses, and am not sure if you’re the same anonymous for all posts in this thread. You have the word victim in quotation marks but are accusing me of not caring about her feelings. You really couldnt be more wrong. This woman’s sister accused her BF of sexual assault- I suppose she’s just supposed to continue on not knowing what happened? She could at least explore further with the potential victim’s sister, since she felt fine sharing the news.

          3. The victim told her sister, she didn’t tell this guy or his new girlfriend, as far as we know. Saying something to your sister does not automatically open you up to a public inquisition.

          4. The sister is the best person to speak to the truth of what happened, so I totally get the suggestion, but I don’t think I’m going to ask to speak to her. I’ve never met her before. If my abusive ex’s or my rapist’s GF called me to ask me what happened, I would tell her because I’d want her to protect herself, but I can’t imagine how disturbing it would be for me to explain the whole story to a total stranger who’s in love with the guy who stole so much from me. I don’t want to do that to someone else.

    3. I’m a bit troubled by the friend’s comments. Even if the sister liked him and thought he was funny, why would that mean he didn’t grope her against her will? I think lots of guys are nice and funny, doesn’t mean I want them all to grope me in a car. If friend wasn’t in the car and BF doesn’t remember, how can they be so sure it didn’t happen?

      On the other side, I think you need to leave some space for BF to admit he might have done a shitty thing when he was drunk and that he feels really crappy about it and is appalled by his previous behavioiur and was worried you’d dump him so claimed he didn’t remember.

      Could you talk to friend’s wife again and find out if this was ever brought up to BF or friend before and what their reaction was then?

      I think you need to be in a relationship where you can feel open to talk about these concerns and issues with your BF and feel comfortable with his responses. Trust your gut instincts on this one.

    4. Huh. It’s a deal breaker that he got too drunk and a little handsy with someone who apparently wasn’t that put off by him since she was hanging out with him in the back seat of a car, and who doesn’t consider what happened sexual assault, and whose sister is fine being married to a guy who maintains a friendship with your boyfriend?

      I don’t actually think it’s your place to decide now, years later, that there was a sexual assault. If you want to say it crosses your line and you can’t be with him, that’s fine, but I would be very hesitant about approaching sister about this. I’ve been drunk and dealt with drunk and gropey guys, and if someone told me that I had been sexually assaulted I’d be grievously offended that they presumed to know the truth of what happened to me.

      Frankly, it sounds to me like the bigger problem is his drinking.

      1. Wait, what? She “wasn’t that put off by him since she was hanging out with him in the back seat of a car”? That was before he groped her; are women supposed to be psychic now, or are you supposed to let anyone you like well enough to split a cab with grope you because obviously they deserve it or whatever?

        1. The “victim”, according to her sister and all the info we know, does not think she was sexually assaulted! No blame here.

          1. We don’t know that; we know the sister didn’t use the words “sexual assault.” That’s a different thing.

          2. OP said only that the sister of the victim did not use the the term “sexual assault”. OP has not had a conversation with the victim directly. Groping against someone’s will is widely considered to be sexual assault (i.e. lots of laws label it specifically that).

          3. You can’t imagine a situation where the victim told her husband that it was cool because she didn’t want to stir muck? BC I can. Super easily.

            Unfortunately, the more I think about it, I’m not sure there’s really anyway to talk to her about it without risking dredging it all up again and causing her more pain. And I’m not sure what’s up with my boating/river analogies today but there ya go.

          4. Sure I can imagine that easily. What I can’t imagine is a situation where it’s ok for OP to disrespect that choice and pry into something that happened years ago and risk causing more pain.

    5. I’m interested as to why the sister told you this at all. Does she view him as a continued threat? Trying to stir up ish? Something is weird about that part of it. Did it seemed planned in your conversation? Or did it somehow pertain to what you were talking about?

      1. I agree with this. It seems a little suspect to receive third hand information this way, and I’m not sure how much faith I would put in the story, to be honest. What would the sister’s motivation be to tell the OP this after so long (haven’t they been together for a year?)

      2. +1. Was she trying to warn you away? Or was it an off-hand remark that you may be misinterpreting?

        Not intended to victim blame, stir up mud, etc. Just seems like an odd thing to come up.

      3. These were my thoughts as well… I do wonder what sister’s motivation was in sharing the story.

    6. I’m trying to figure out a way to phrase this that doesn’t come across as victim-blaming, and maybe part of my confusion is that I’m not really following all the characters in the story. But I would try to get some more facts from the friend and his wife. Because I’m surprised that a wife would be ok with her husband having a friendship with a guy who sexually assaulted her sister. I could see the sister trying to downplay things to her brother-in-law, but I’d be surprised if she wasn’t frank with her own sister (the wife). Especially if the girl knew her sister (the wife) was spending time with the abuser, I would think that she would be very up front about what happened, wanting her sister (the wife) to protect herself.

      This is going to be an unpopular opinion, but I also think it is really hard for an outsider to retroactively label something sexual assault from the outside when you don’t have any first hand facts and it involved something like “groping.” I think there’s an unfortunately fine line between girls feeling like they’re supposed to say no and play hard to get to fit into a socially acceptable role and guys thinking that girls think they’re supposed to say no but it doesn’t really mean no. I think this makes things blurry and confusing for less physical (ie we’re not talking about rape), potentially failed flirtatious interactions. I guess I would reserve some judgement until I got more information about what the person meant by groping (are we talking what someone could have meant as a harmless flirtatious butt graze or an intrusive bo0b grab?). To me personally, someone could be trying to flirt with me in a way that I wasn’t on board with that might involve some unwanted physical interaction but in my mind I wouldn’t consider it sexual assault. I’d be hesitant to blame your BF for sexual assault if the girl herself doesn’t label it this way, the wife/brother-in-law have maintained a friendship with him, and the wife didn’t feel any obligation to tell you this before you were dating for so long (so it isn’t like she felt an obligation to protect you).

      I hope I didn’t make a mess of explaining this. And as a sidenote, my frustration with how some of these “social scripts” about girl/guy interaction is why I finally had to stop watching Scandal. It made me so mad that this show written by a woman featuring what was supposed to be a strong female lead involved Olivia constantly being like no dont touch me stop, only to end up with her happily in the arms of the Prez.

      1. “Because I’m surprised that a wife would be ok with her husband having a friendship with a guy who sexually assaulted her sister.”

        This. This is the part of the story that perplexes me the most. I am struggling to think of anyone in my life (female or male) who would remain friends with a person who behaved inappropriately with their sister.

        1. Here is a story that might explain why people remain friends. My friend was sexually assaulted by a guy freshman year of college. I didn’t become her friend until junior year. I started dating my now husband freshman year. Junior year he was roommates with the guy that had previously sexually assaulted my now friend. She didn’t tell me or him for ten years. I knew back then that she didn’t like the guy but from what she told me it sounded like they had a bad break up or something. She never said anything that suggested he had assaulted her. When she finally got the courage to tell us, it was because she realized she had to stop coming to events we held where he was present and rather than giving us the slow fade she wanted us to know why. We want her in our life over him so we were going to give him the boot. But, beyond her therapist, we were the first people she had told and she didn’t want us going and telling him that she told us that. She wasn’t ready for whatever reaction he may have. So, she wanted us to be friends with him or not, not tell him why, and just not invite them to the same gatherings. Luckily he moved away so it was so much easier to do the slow fade and just be “unavailable” when he was in town. I feel awful to this day that I brought this guy into our apartment, frequently, not knowing her past. I know there is no way I could know but it just sucks. I know it caused her a ton of pain and she gave me different excuses for why I would find her crying so there is no way I could have protected her without her telling me. That said, I can understand why she would want me to know but would want me to “permit” my husband to remain friends with him to avoid outing the ordeal to everyone.

      2. I have a lot of people close to me who are in same-sex relationships and to me it seems very easy to label in a M-F dynamic where the M does the act that is not wanted by the F. But when it is F and F (or M and M), there is a lot of fogginess with interpretting third-hand partial facts.

        I also don’t watch Scandal any more (but take notes of the lovely outfits).

      3. Yeah this is what I was getting at. If I get drunk at a party and hop in the backseat of a car with a drunk guy, and he grabs my bum, and I say no, and he stops that’s not sexual assault in my play book. That’s me being a grown up, putting myself in a situation where some contact might happen, him thinking it was appropriate, and respecting my boundaries. Very different than me telling him no, him then getting grabby, and having to fight him off. I’m not convinced that insisting every unwanted boob touch is sexual assault is useful.

      4. reply to Pinky
        I had a college friend who was basically ditched by her high school friends after she disclosed that one of their male friends attempted to r*pe her at a party – Her version – he was pants down, d*ck out, they were alone in the room and she got lucky that she was strong enough to physically push him off and he stopped after getting pushed to the floor. She left the party and disclosed only a few days later. Their version based on believing him – he got a bit ‘handsy’ when drunk and she should just get over it. She was expected to attend parties/socialize with him as part of the group as though nothing had happened – when she couldn’t deal they stopped including her.

        In OP’s scenario, it’s not clear when friend’s wife’s sister (the victim) told wife. If it was after they were married, I can see not wanting to break up a marriage over the BF’s actions especially if the wife thought the BF had changed in the interim – although based on her warning to OP – not clear that the wife doesn’t think something similar might happen again.

        1. Those are terrible friends! I think my skepticism here is more that somehow the wife is simultaneously 1) ok with her husband having a relationship with the friend who assaulted her sister and 2) telling OP about his bad behavior. To me, if you think someone has changed or that it was a misunderstanding, then you would be ok with your husband having this guy as a friend and having the friend be a part of your lives and you wouldn’t be spreading the word to his future partners that he previously assaulted someone. Or you don’t think that he’s changed and you think he’s a bad guy and you should be warning people about him, in which case you wouldn’t still be friends with him.

          To me the weird thing is the wife’s inconsistent behavior.

  10. Ladies, quick question-basic, but it keeps confusing me each time, salutation in a cover letter-dear mr. Last name or first name? FWIW, it will be to an introduction from a contact.

    3. If it’s a formal letter where the addressee is already identified by name up top, then the salutation is ‘Dear sir’.

      1. Not here in the good ‘ole US of A it ain’t. “Dear sir ” is used when you don’t know the addresse’s name. If you do, it’s Dear Mr. Lastname, judge Lastname etc.

    4. Thanks! I knew the answer is guess, but if see so many with Hello first name, it gets confusing.

      1. There’s a 99% likelihood he will return your note with one signed with his first name, indicating it is okay to move on to that.

  11. I’ve been seeing quite a few comments lately from new (working) moms who feel like they are barely making it. The comments, among other things, have been giving me pause about whether I want to construct a life that requires two incomes to maintain. Here’s the thing: I know myself, and I’m aware that I’m at my absolute physical and mental worst when trying to juggle too many tasks. I’m starting to think that “the juggle” really isn’t for me, and I need to figure out how to best set myself up for focusing on family when the time comes. It’s clear there are tradeoffs to this kind of approach, but I’m curious whether any of you have traveled a similar path. Would you recommend it or do you regret it? I am in my early 30s, have had a great career, and have a husband who would likely be a very involved parent. Parenthood doesn’t scare me, but the idea of years worth of non-stop home/office multi-tasking makes me ill just thinking about it. I have diagnosed attention deficit issues and have developed good coping skills that would be derailed by the kind of setup that most of you seem to have, if that makes a difference here.

    1. What kind of support do you have? Do you have family and close friends nearby who are able and willing to help? Can you afford paid help that is the type you prefer?

    2. It sounds like what will really help you is a routine. For example, 7 after school activities at different places on a rotating schedule with arcane snack requirements won’t work. So each kid gets to do one thing a week at a time.

      Working from home while making dinner and helping with home work is your worst nightmare, so you find after school care that includes supervised homework time, meal plan and make ahead , and focus on finding a job where it’s fine to be off line from 6-10.

      You tell your nanny that unless kidlet is in the hospital, you don’t want updates during the work day, because you’ve found someone you trust and have delegated.

      People often post on here when they’re at a crisis point in parenting, so I wouldn’t relay on this as an accurate sample. Parenting is hard and it’s not always predictable, but you can focus on your family and have a career without constant chaos.

      1. “People often post on here when they’re at a crisis point in parenting, so I wouldn’t relay on this as an accurate sample. Parenting is hard and it’s not always predictable, but you can focus on your family and have a career without constant chaos.”

        That’s a really good point. I don’t have close friends with kids, so a lot of what I’ve picked up about the day to day, I’ve learned here. It might not be an accurate representation of business as usual.

        Still, the problem I struggle with is the mental juggling. When I have too many inputs or stimuli, I forget things. I forget plans. I forget tasks. I’m late. And it’s BAD. It makes me feel like my life is out of control even if the “things” themselves are relatively small. I feel like this could be minimized, at least, if I wasn’t working.

        1. Or, you’d find yourself with nothing but time to fill, over scheduling life at home, getting invested in every detail of parenting because you’re bored, and winding up with your husband walking out when kid is 7 because you two have nothing in common and now you have no skills to support yourself.

          There are lots of risks in life , but I’d rather risk forgetting birthdays and work really hard on using a calendar than risk finding myself a receptionist with a JD at 55 because I was scared to work.

          1. Interesting point. I would characterize this scenario as Most Catastrophic, but Least Likely. While I’ve enjoyed nearly a decade of fast-paced career intensity, I’m looking forward to a slowing things down in the future. A little boredom never hurt anyone, and there are a lot of benefits to appreciating the time in between all the Things. The husband walking out part, certainly possible but he had a stay at home mom and really appreciates all the benefits that set-up has for a family. And having to get a job in my 50’s that I’m overqualified for? Well, to me that sounds preferable to signing up for years of stress-induced mental mayhem. I guess I’ve answered my own question here. I was actually a little nervous to post because I thought all the women here would think I was a traitor or a troll. Really nice to see that others have these thoughts and the most important thing is figuring out the system that will work for you and your family.

          2. Because circumstances do change, it’d be ideal if you could keep up your career skills while you’re home with the kid(s), if that is what comes to pass, and make sure both you and your spouse have adequate life and disability insurance. Otherwise, it sounds like you have the ability to stay home if that is what works for you, which is a great situation to be in.

        2. I don’t want to scare you, but I also am diagnosed with ADHD, and I couldn’t hack it at full-time crazy corporate work plus 2 kids. With one kid, I was just barely holding on, but with 2, it didn’t work. Things that tipped it for me might be different for you though:
          -I had a long, miserable commute that took a lot out of me
          -I liked my job, but didn’t love it and it didn’t fulfill me. I also went from a boss and team I loved to one I just barely tolerated
          -I never really loved the industry I was in, but didn’t want to start over in a different but similar one
          -I was at the point in my career where most everyone else was either taking on more senior roles or management roles, and I really wasn’t up for that
          -I had originally been ok with my husband handling most of the childcare stuff and things like their doctors appointments. After a while though, it started to get to me that I could NEVER make parent/teacher conferences, routine doctors appointments or field trips (without using up all my vacation time very early in the calendar year and then having nothing left for emergencies).

          If you love your job, etc – that might make the difference for you. If you have a very flexible job, that also might make the difference. I also am still struggling with “what I want to be when I grow up”, but I always knew I wanted to be a mom.

          The things that did work to help me hold it together when it was going well (and that I rely on now)
          -Family support. Lots of it. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, etc
          -Automating as much of life as possible. Diapers showed up at the doorstep via Amazon Prime, as did laundry detergent
          -Google calendar – live and die by it. Any and all appointments go there, check it daily, if not multiple times daily. Set the time not for when the appointment is, but when I have to leave by. Put all details in the appointment, including addresses/maps, etc. Set alarms on it with my cell phone to remind me. All school calendars, etc dumped into google calendar
          -Only 1 (or 0) extracurricular activities at a time .
          -One running paper to-do list (one side work, other side personal). Anytime I had a personal thought – write it on to-do list, get back to work, deal with personal to-do list later. As long as I didn’t lose the one list (notebook, actually in this case) I was fine. It is where I dumped my brain, and a little like a security blanket for me. I still do this.
          -ADHD meds sometimes made a difference. But sometimes they just made me more anxious and edgy, depending on what was going on in my life – for instance, some of the stimulant meds made me angry and very not nice when things didn’t go my way – borderline b!tchy to completely b!tchy
          -A good therapist to talk about what ADHD strategies are working for you and what aren’t
          -Understanding friends/family to vent to when you feel like you are about to completely fall apart (like people sometimes post here)

          Now I work 15 hours a week, my house is a mess, I have a cavity that I really need to get dealt with and my job doesn’t really fulfill me completely. But you know what does fulfill me? My overall life. Crazy, chaotic, often running late, occasionally failing at things. And I think going from 2 kids to 3 might put me in the nuthouse, so we have taken steps to make sure that can’t happen for a while, if ever.
          Don’t write off having a career and kids both yet – but its good to go into the possibility with your eyes wide open like you are now. But to quote other advice – Don’t leave until you leave. Leave room in your budgets to allow you the possibility of leaving (don’t buy a house that you will need both salaries to pay the mortgage, for instance), but don’t actually assume that you will HAVE to be a SAHM to make it work. Because for me personally, I am best as a part-time employee, with the ability to put my kids in daycare for at least part of the day to give them more stability, routines and fun in their lives.

          1. +1 to the comment about the commute factor – this is frequently underestimated. I need my 5 min commute to work – I can stop home at lunchtime to do laundry/start supper/pick up the file I forgot

            for others it may be be different, my sister has a one hour commute each way and it works for her and her family – I would be a SAHM over dealing with this.

            know thyself and structure your life (e.g. house purchase) to support it.

            Also, you can dial back withou dialing out – sounds like you want a lower stress/fewer hours job not necessarily to stay home full time — keeping your feet (or toe) in the workforce can be very helpful to ramping back up later.

      2. +1. Routine is very important.

        That said, I think you *can* do 2 FT parents without being crazy (we have friends who do it) but I personally like that I am 4 days/week in a 9-5 with flexibility, so I have a little more room around the margin for the family stuff. I think the ideal would be working a little less (more like half-time) but even slightly less than FT is pretty good, if you are worried about going all the way to SAHM.

    3. I can relate. I have a chronic illness and sometimes it’s a struggle now. I absolutely want kids but do worry about the lack of sleep / stress / exposure to illnesses with a compromised immune system.

    4. I think the overwhelming amount of working moms will emphasize the most important part of juggling daily life is that you need to find a system that works for you and your family. If you know now what you can and cannot do, then I wouldn’t hesitate to start planning a system that minimizes what makes you miserable. No one should judge you for that – a sane, happy mom is a much better mom to her kid(s).

      That being said, I can say that once you have a baby, you realize that you are capable of much more on much less sleep than you ever thought possible. And thankfully, that period will not last forever. So even if you have to dramatically scale back while your future kiddos are young, there’s always an opportunity to come back to fulltime once they’re a little older.

      1. FWIW, I didn’t think I could manage a dog back in the day (and I didn’t do a good job with house plants). Very unforgiving boss, commute, bad hours. 2 of the 3 are now in the past, which helps now that I have children.

    5. My experience so far has been less about multitasking and more about flexibility. I’ve been fortunate in that I’ve had a healthy baby who enjoys daycare. So, once I drop her off at daycare, I don’t think much about her during the day; I’m in work mode, same as I was before having a baby. At night, I’m in mom mode until she goes to bed, then I pick up work again if needed. There are exceptions, of course, like snow days when daycare is closed and I do have to multitask (caring for baby + trying to work). All this may change as baby gets older, and requires more parental involvement in school and activities during the day. So far, my struggles have been with exhaustion and balancing everything — almost because I can’t multitask, I feel like one area of my life is always lagging behind the others (currently, it’s work).

      If you have friends with kids, can you talk to them about what their typical days are like? Could you handle their schedules and challenges?

    6. I too am completely off-put by the constant chaotic stress working parents seem to deal with. I don’t know if you have considered this as an option, but I am going to only have one child. It doesn’t seem to be something that many people consider, but for me, admitting that I could stop after one has already reduced the amount of stress in my life. I read a really good book on it– One and Only by Lauren Sandler, and it really put my mind at ease over all the stereotypes people have about only children and their experience growing up. So, for me, having one child is having my cake and eating it too. I get to be a parent, but I don’t have three kids with conflicting activity schedules, stress, chaos, different sleep schedules, bickering, etc.

      On a personal note, and this may not at all speak to you, but after watching my mother being completely financially dependent on my father and not being able to get herself out of a very bad situation, I swore to myself I would not ever be so dependent on someone I couldn’t leave if I needed to. I am married to a wonderful man who I seriously doubt would ever do anything to jeopardize our marriage, but I still think it’s important for me to be able to maintain a career as a form of insurance.

      1. All of my friends who started late thought about this. A big concern was that without parents, the child would really have no family left (esp. if they marry an only, if they marry at all) once the parents die. No or few cousins. A friend who was an only with two working parents hated it. The downsides of being an only seem to be borne by the only child. You can’t control what a sibling is like, when they arrive, and if you get along, but it seemed unfair to deny a child a sibling if the idea is to preserve a certain lifestyle of the parents (and I say this up to a point: I’m not suggesting we should all be on 19 kids and counting, but that once the sibling divide has been crossed, you don’t need to overly cross it).

        This is a bit of what I am getting at: Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think

        Also: whatever it is, you do you. Family size often happens (or doesn’t) and a lot of how we fare at that is how we are open to things being different than what we expect or hope for.

        1. So, I posted downthread about my own situation, but the whole “denying a kid siblings” line of reasoning does not sit well with me. I am an only, and also had two working parents, which caused no issues. My husband is not, but the biggest source of stress in his life is his brother, who is seriously mentally ill. There are many, many research studies showing that only children do just fine in terms of socialization, happiness, and many other measures. If you are worried about later life care burdens, save up money to help your kid deal with it; if you invest the money you’d be spending on a second daycare payment, you’ll have a lot! Obviously, if you *want* more than one kid, you should go for it. But having a second kid that you don’t actually want for the sake of your first kid is both misinformed and a pretty messed-up dynamic.

          Abstract for a meta-analysis of the above research: http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/1987-00682-001 Key quote: “Across all developmental outcomes, OCs were indistinguishable from firstborns and people from small families. Theories relating to OC deprivation and OC uniqueness were discredited by the results of the meta-analyses.”

        2. The downsides of having a sibling can be borne by a child too. I can honestly say that I would not have been one ounce less happy as a child without my younger brother. He absolutely tormented me up until my leaving home for college, and when I returned in the breaks he would be sugar and spice for about an hour and then resume. It’s messed up my ability to form relationships with other people.

          Plus, no-one takes younger-sibling-bullying seriously as a problem. They don’t always grow out of it.

          1. Another younger sibling problem: the kind that fail to launch and will probably cause older, responsible sibling to make a tough decision between financially supporting them later in life or not.

          2. I think my younger sibling will be one of those. I’m spending my small inheritance from our grandma towards a downpayment for my first apartment; he’s travelling around the world.
            Diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks, right?

          3. There may be plenty of good reasons to have only one child, but other people’s sibling horror stories are not one of them.

          4. Re: different strokes… absolutely, and I’m not trying to impart any judgement on people who take longer to find their way, don’t want to follow the traditional corporate american path to financial success, etc etc. I’m just frustrated because his choices will likely impact me for the rest of our lives.

          5. Tesyaa – yes, but anyone who’s debating having an only or not and thinks that having a second will be good for the older should be aware of how difficult it can be for people who don’t get along with their siblings, which is, I think, one of the big taboos.

        3. Despite being having only one sibing, through summer trips to visit grandparents I got to know cousins as well as second cousins.

      2. Being an only child is awesome. I have never once longed for siblings. I married into an enormous family (husband is oldest of six) and I definitely prefer my situation. Watching my mom struggle with senior care issues with her parents and her siblings, I think it may be easier for me having it just be me who has to make decisions for them.

        We don’t have children yet and I would be FINE with having an only.

      3. I guess I’ll be the lone dissenter and say I’m an only who always wanted a sibling. And I really don’t know how I’m going to take care of my (divorced) parents. Obviously they can’t both come live with me. And I’m not looking forward to the stage of life where they’re gone and the only family I have left is the family I create. Which all goes to explain why I want 3 kids and am planning to have a career/life that allows for that. I know 3 seems like a lot, but DH only has one sibling and she doesn’t want kids. So if my kids aren’t going to have any cousins, then I’m certainly not going to just have one.

    7. I agree with the posters who say you are almost certainly capable of doing more than you think.

      That said, I would urge you NOT to construct a life that requires two incomes to maintain. You never know what curveballs life will throw at you, and if you can manage things so that you can get by on one income if necessary (or one-and-a-half, or less than two big incomes), it will ease the stress even if you continue as a two-big-income couple. Sometimes just knowing you can say “eff it” is enough to keep you going, you know? And kid/career stress is bad enough without adding money stress to the mix.

    8. So, I also have ADHD. It doesn’t make parenthood easier, that’s for sure, but it also doesn’t make it impossible. My husband and I try to play to our strengths, which means that he schedules the doctor’s appointments, deals with daycare paperwork, and generally takes care of a lot of the stuff that is difficult for me, In return, I deal with food, which involves meal planning and batch cooking once a week. That is much easier for me to handle because I do it all in one go. I also have worked a lot on really letting myself not worry about the tasks that are not mine to worry about, whether that’s trusting that my husband will take care of the doctors visits or that the daycare ladies will deal with my daughter’s nap schedule without my micro-management.

      Also, in advice I did not take myself: try to get the rest of your life in as much order as possible before you have kids. As in, maybe don’t buy and renovate a fixer-upper when your kid is 6-12 months old. That was not fun.

      We are also leaning towards having only one, in part because of these issues, in part because we like foreign travel and other things that get harder with more kids.

      1. So I posted a book above – but I want to add one more thing that makes the difference for me when it comes to things like scheduling the doctors appointments and is key to keeping my ADHD life in at least some checks. My new life rule is to never leave a routine appointment without scheduling the next routine appointment – whether that be 6 weeks for a haircut or 1 year for an OBGYN appt. As as soon as the appointment is made, it goes in my lifeline google calendar. If I have to think about calling for an appointment – I’ll put it off forever, or never get to it when the office is open. But by making the next appointment as I’m walking out the door, it makes all the difference to me. I’ve even changed doctors from ones that can’t do scheduling that far out, because its that important to me in order to hold the threads of my ADHD life together.

        1. This is so timely for me, because tomorrow I am literally having my hair cut for the first time in a year! And I’m doing it while on vacation visiting my parents, because I haven’t managed to make an appointment during my normal work/life business. Maybe I should offload that to my husband too…

    9. If it’s possible, I would set yourself up to be in a position to stay at home (if you and your spouse agree that it’s a reasonable option) but not make any decisions until you have to (i.e. don’t quit when you get pregnant, wait until you are out on leave and evaluate your options then). Some babies are really mellow and easy to care for, some have colic and are really difficult at the beginning. You may find a daycare (or nanny) that you love and feel really good about, or there might not be many options. You may decide that you love being at home so much that you can’t imagine going back to work, or you may be dying for some adult conversation after the first few weeks. You can start thinking about these things now, but there is no way to really know until you have “your” baby in your arms, so I would do whatever you can to leave all of your options open.

      1. Thanks for all the helpful comments. West Coast Lawyer, that’s some great advice. I think the main takeaway is to leave the option open and see what happens.

        1. I’m late to this thread, but I just wanted to add another thought… Your original wording was “a life that requires two incomes to maintain,” and I think the financial aspect is definitely something to focus on. Aside from career planning, you can give yourself so many more options just by keeping your overhead low. If your lifestyle (or at least your necessities) can be maintained on one income, you have the option to work or not, and so does your spouse. You have the option to reduce your responsibilities or switch to part time work if you feel like you need more time with your child(ren), but don’t want to give up your career. If you do both keep your careers, you have “spare” money to outsource when life gets crazy. I think a lot of people – me included – get stressed out as much by being trapped in their situation as they do by the situation itself. Of course, childcare ends up being THE expense for a lot of people. My non-childcare expenses are covered by one income, but I couldn’t justify paying for daycare if either my husband or I were making a significantly lower salary… I do like having a job outside the home, but I don’t neceessarily like MY job. But while I’d love to change jobs/careers, unfortunately it’s not something I find particularly rational at this time.

      2. … and I would just add that it doesn’t get easier to plan for, even as the kids get older, whether you have one or five children. The challenges are just different. That’s not to put you off, but you might end up with a child who needs a lot of your time for going to doctors’ appointments or meetings at school or what have you. You just can’t anticipate, even as they become more self-sufficient.

        I think you set up your framework, anticipate as best you can, and know that good child care (whether nanny or daycare), backup planning, being very vigilant about what you add to your calendar (it can be swim lessons or Mommy and Me music, but it doesn’t need to be both), and setting up a calendar system which encompasses everyone’s home and work schedules all contribute to feeling more on top of things.

      3. Completely agree with this advice. We have it set up so that we could make it work on one income if we cut back on “lifestyle choices” and didn’t have to pay for childcare. It turned out that maternity leave solidified my choice to continue working, but it makes it so much less stressful to know that the mortgage and basic bills would be covered if one of us lost our jobs or we changed our minds. In the meantime, the “extra” money is great and I love having the financial wiggle room that comes with living below our means.

        1. +1. This is us, too (except no kids yet). We are both fully-committed to a two-income family that more-or-less subsists on only one of the incomes.

  12. Any recommendations for a full body shaper that’s more like a slip (i.e., no bike-shorts-style legs)? I tried on several affordable Calvin Klein ponte dresses this weekend, but couldn’t pull the trigger without knowing what I would wear under them. Even if they are drapey/gathered across the midsection without being too tight, you can see the outline of my belly button, which I hate. It’s even worse if the material is flat across the abdomen. I think most of the problem would be solved with stockings or tights that come up to my waist, but it is (thankfully!) a long time ’til hosiery season.

    TIA!

    1. When i was at TJ Maxx the other day, they had a BUNCH of nice under-stuffs. I got three pairs of what I think can only be called granny panties (super high waisted poly-blend so soft underwear) that I think would serve the purpose of smoothing out the belly area and eliminating the belly button view. Not sure what brand they were, but they were super cheap and are super comfy. Worth checking out. (Sorry no link – can’t find them on the Maxx website.)

    2. I think I saw slips like that at Target, check online first to be sure. The brand was called Assets by Sara Blakely. They had a half slip and I’m sure they could have a full one too. Been thinking of getting something like that too for some dresses I have that tend to outline stuff too much.

    3. For full-body shaper I’d go for Spanx. I have one from them and it’s amazing. Mine goes from below the bra line to mid thigh (bike short bottoms, which incidentally I wish I hadn’t gotten because I don’t have any problems with my butt/thighs, knock on wood). I think they make styles with just a normal bottom (called “power panty”, if I remember correctly). Mine has a seam right down the front that just smooshes any belly fat down and gets rid of any bumps/bulges.

      1. Is it me, or do things like the “power panty” result in an extraordinary muffin top? I have one of the ones that’s a panty with a long waist that comes to under your bra, and it wiggles down and creates a bulge at the top. Even control top pantyhose is iffy, and I don’t normally have a muffin top.

  13. Do any of you know if there’s any leeway with the 60 day rule for returns at The Limited. A little over two months ago, I purchased some skirts from them online. They didn’t work/fit so I put them back in their wrapping, in the box and planned to return them in store (the closest one is about 45 minutes away) since I didn’t want to pay $6 for return shipping (in hindsight, I clearly should have done this). I then went out of the country for a few weeks and forgot about them until I noticed the box this morning. The last time I bought anything there, the return policy was 90 days so I didn’t prioritize returning them since I thought I had time. Now the window has passed and I really don’t want this to be a $200 lesson. Is there a chance I could still return them (even for store credit) or is there something else I should try?

    1. Your best bet is to contact the limited. If you get a less than satisfactory reply from a customer service rep,try a second one or a supervisor.

    2. I would send it back in the box. What are they going to do, send the stuff back to you?

      1. Actually, I think so. It says something about out of date returns will be sent back at customer’s expense

    3. I used to be a manager at a big retail store. We will take anything back even though the deadline to return has passed. When the associate turns you down, ask for the manager. If you complain and act upset enough, the manager will do anything.

  14. What’s your favorite perfume? Any new fragrance recs? Do you wear one signature scent or switch depending on seasons or your mood?

    I’ll start. I wear Euphoria by Calvin Klein and Stella McCartney. I like both scents, but I find them pretty generic, and tons of people wear them. I’d love to find something a little more interesting and unique.

      1. +1. I don’t think they make my Chloe perfume, Capucine, anymore, which is pretty heartbreaking since I love it and am nearing the end of the bottle. It’s light and floral without being overwhelming, and has nice spicy notes.

    3. I have a few that I rotate between for work depending on the season and my mood:
      – Burberry London
      – Balenciaga Paris
      – Prada Infusion d’Iris
      – Marc Jacobs (the original, not daisy or any of those iterations)

      On weekends during the day I usually wear Love Chloe, and for a night out I use Narciso Rodriguez Eau de Toilette.

    4. This is exactly why I haven’t worn Chanel Mademoiselle or Chance in maybe 7 years. Because I smell it on everyone! I buy perfumes when I travel now so no one smells like me anymore.

      1. I totally wear Mademoiselle, despite smelling it on others. In fact, it’s really my signature scent.

        Though, at least in my area, Chance seems to be a lot more prevalent (and doesn’t smell good with my chemistry).

    5. Ok, I’m a huge believer that you really need to try and wear perfumes extensively until you find one that works with your chemistry (so going into a store and doing a single spritz is pretty risky). I LOVE Fragonard perfumes. It’s a french brand and they’re very well priced for what you get (especially since most come with EDT and EDP options). I’d order a mini sampler to start of (3-10 mini bottles) and then see which work best for your chemistry. The best thing about the company, IMO, is that I’ve found their descriptions to be right-on the money. Whenever I read a description and like it, I’ve always liked the actual perfume. I think it’s because they do a good job of describing the actual notes AND the overall “feel” of the perfume.

      1. +1. Fragonard has an extensive collection and they’re extremely generous with samples. Their Fleur d’Oranger is my favorite choice for a light, crisp summer fragrance. In the winter, I switch to an Annick Goutal scent that’s warmer and a bit more complex.

    8. I’ve worn CK Obsession every day for the past 10+ years. Only switching out with Opium on very select dates. It isn’t sold locally anymore, so now I have to plan my perfume shopping on internationall travels:-)

    9. I have a few – L’Eau D’Issey Florale, Acqua di Gioia, MJ Dot, Vera Wang Bouquet, Carolina Herrera 212, MJ Honey. I mostly buy/acquire samples and only rarely get the full sized one.

      My first perfume (in HS) was Diorissimo and then in college I had RL Romance, but I can’t smell either of those any more!

      1. I think we have similar taste in perfume! I’m just finishing RL Romance but I can’t smell it anymore either. I love Acqua di Gio and Acqua di Gioia, recently acquired a rollerball of MJ Honey and do get a lot of samples from Sephora or the sampler set and occasionally a full-size version.
        Debating what to buy next so based on this, maybe I’ll try out L’Eau D’Issey Florale.

    10. Florabotanica by Balenciaga most of the time; Marc Jacobs Daisy for more casual times (although it is starting to feel a bit young for me). Every now and then I try and snag a sample of the assorted Kenzo perfumes available – they generally work for me.

    11. At the moment I’m wearing Roger & Gallet Gingembre Rouge, which I love – it’s floral but also spicy, kind of like a more grown-up and feminine CK One.
      I also love Chanel Coco Mademoiselle, and (surprisingly, perhaps) Taylor by Taylor Swift.

    14. I have a few I rotate between, but my mainstays are Chanel Chance and Armani Code (female version) and I love them both.

    15. I love Lubin Black Jade. It’s a spicy floriental that’s really unique. D&G The One is a nice soft mellow vanilla musk that works really well for me when I’m feeling laid-back. And I’ve recently discovered Elizabeth & James Nirvana Black, which smells amazing (violet/sandalwood/vanilla) but doesn’t seem to last at all on my skin.

    16. My all-time favorite is Guerlain Samsara before it was reformulated. I’m currently wearing Maitre Parfumeur et Gantier Jardin Blanc eau de toilette. It’s a nice white floral but nothing unique. If you don’t want to smell yourself coming and going, you’re going to have to break away from the typical mass-market mall scents that you come across in Macy’s. Don’t know where you live but if you live in a major city, there likely are boutiques that sell fragrances that are off the beaten path. Ex: Aedes des Venustas in NYC.

      1. Didn’t edit in time.

        Another way to avoid the genericness of modern mass-market scents is to go back in time and try scents from thirty to fifty years ago. I just recently discovered Estee Lauder Estee and think it’s a perfect scent for a hot summer day.

        And if you want to read intelligent conversation on fragrance while looking for a new scent, there lots of great blogs such as Bois de Jasmin/Perfume Shrine/Kafkaesque to read. These three are my particular favorites.

  15. Anybody else struck by the body language in this photo of the foreign ministers of Qatar, Turkey, Germany, France, England and Italy with Secretary of State Kerry?

    http://www.timesofisrael.com/kerrys-mistakes-strengthen-hamass-resolve/?utm_source=The+Times+of+Israel+Daily+Edition&utm_campaign=9ae3a4376f-2014_07_28&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_adb46cec92-9ae3a4376f-54831245

    No one is engaged with Italy’s Foreign Minister Mogherini.

    Also, separate question, why is she not wearing a suit like the men?

    1. Arg. Dislike her choice of dress/shoes – too informal. I don’t think women have to parrot men’s business formal with pants/jacket/button down unless they like that look (I do on occasion), but they should wear something of comparable formality (most of the time I’ll choose a suiting-material dress and matching material jacket).

      Her more casual dress and casual shoes = not cutting it. Step it up, lady!

    2. Not really. The body language says no one really cares about Italy’s foreign policy. Why would they really? It’s not exactly a powerhouse.

      I think she’s not wearing a suit like the men because she’s the head of foreign policy for her country and no one’s gonna make her value a stuffy uniform over looking chic and polished.

      1. I agree she doesn’t necessarily have to wear a suit and a collared button-up shirt, but I disagree that her outfit looks polished. The shoes look very out of place.

        1. And the German foreign minister’s pants appear too long, and the Qatari foreign minister’s pants are uncuffed and appear too SHORT. (Kerry’s pants are the perfect length, I think).

          1. Not to mention Kerry’s ridiculous hair. Besides, this is just one image selected by a reporter to tell a story. I think it says nothing about the effectiveness of the Italian Foreign Minister.

    4. I wouldn’t read too much into this, the Qatari and Turkish guys are not interacting either.
      I think her dress is fine, but a jacket would have been better. But those shoes, oh no!!

    5. Not really.

      For one, a pic taken a second or two later or early could have shown something very different. But even assuming this is a representative shot, her stance and interaction is quite similar to the ministers from Qatar and Turkey, on far left. Furthermore, since they are all in a line, if there were anything to read into it, it would be limited to the relationship between German and Italy.

  17. Anyone have a recommendation for a tailor in the Houston area? Preferably on the northern end of town?

    1. If you mean north of Houston, Master Tailor in Kingwood is fantastic and really well-priced. I don’t have any recs for inner Houston, though

  18. Any ladies here who have switched to a plant-based diet? I am not a vegetarian but interested in decreasing the amount of meat I eat on a regular basis and maybe eventually elimintating it from my diet altogether. Any tips or suggestions? I’d also appreciate examples of meals you eat on a regular basis that are not pasta-based (it seems as though my go-to meals without meat in them frequently involve pasta).

    1. I’ve gone almost entirely veggie and have been really happy with it. I eat a ton of rice and beans. A typical dinner will be black beans and brown rice with some greens, maybe wrapped in a tortilla, maybe not. Veggie tacos with lentils, peppers, onions, salsa, avocado, cheese. When I was first eliminating meat I ate a lot of eggs and cheese. Grilled cheese sandwiches, quesadillas. Veggie chili. Any kind of vegetable or bean soup.

      Pinterest, of all places, is a good place to find recipes. Type in “meatless meals” or “vegetarian recipes” or “easy vegetarian recipes” and you’ll find a whole lot of good ideas.

      And if you have a Trader Joe’s near you, they have a lot of great meatless frozen entrees. I love the Indian entrees like Chana Masala and some other ones, the names of which escape me at the moment — but go browse and you’ll be quite pleased with the selection.

      1. The Trader Joe’s frozen chana masala actually inspired me to make my own version, which is super easy – sauteed onion, mushrooms, chickpeas, spinach, and canned tomatoes, with indian spices + naan on the side (naan is also relatively easy to make at home but obviously store bought is delicious too!)

        1. That sounds delicious roses. I love Indian food! And I agree, nann is easier to make at home than I thought before I tried it!

      2. Thanks for the recommendation to check on pinterest! I haven’t spent much time on pinterest so I’ll look into it!

    2. I eat a lot of beans (burritos, in chili, with rice). I could never justify the price of meat when I was a student (plus, I was cooking for one), plus I try to be a regular blood donor and needed to keep up my iron.

      I also eat a lot of cheese, so none of my food is low-calorie and it’s all ultra-hearty.

        1. Kidney
          Navy
          Garbanzo
          Black

          for soup:
          split-peas

          Dried beans are super-cheap if you have the time to soak them (or a slow-cooker).

          FWIW, I think lentils are the devil.

    4. Eggs, veggie burgers, tofu, beans, and nuts (and nutbutters) are great ways to bulk up the protein in your meal without meat. Let me know if you have any questions! I was a vegetarian for two years, and even though I now eat meat again I still eat tons of plant based meals. (I don’t eat red meat or pork.)

      1. Do you have 1 or 2 recipes to recommend as personal favorites, given your long experience eating vegetarian/plant-based?

    5. I’ve always eaten a plant-based diet, but here are some meals I eat – I rarely eat pasta:

      – Bell peppers stuffed with lentils/rice or black beans/corn and veggies
      – Quinoa or bulgur with chickpeas and roasted veggies
      – Egg “wraps” (fried egg rolled around beans and asparagus, topped with salsa)
      – Soy- or barbeque – marinated tofu with assorted veggies
      – Baked sweet potatoes with the insides mashed with tofu and spinach or kale
      – Plain greek yogurt with fresh fruit and salad
      – Spaghetti squash with marinara/cheese (italian style) or soy sauce and stir-fried veggies and tofu (asian style)
      – Roasted eggplant topped with roasted red pepper sauce, kale and goat cheese

      1. I am not veggie AT ALL but I do love me a sweet potatoe as a meal because it is SO EASY. I have one of those fabric bags for microwaving potatoes and I put sweet potatoes in it. 4-5 minutes later you have a nicely cooked SP and you can add almost anything to it.

        A+ for easy quick meal.

    6. I spent the better part of last year trying to “eat less meat” and finally went fully vegetarian in February. I did it primarily for ethical reasons, but health is also a concern. For a long time, I would only have meat when I was eating out – I couldn’t give up bacon and breakfast sausage, and occasionally we’d be out to dinner and I just really wanted some meat dish so I caved. But I kept reading about factory farms etc. and finally decided that I just couldn’t support that anymore. I say all this not to say that you should agree with me, but to show that really thinking about why you’re making that change will help you stick to it when you’re out at a restaurant and the only non-meat dish is a salad.

      I still eat a lot of eggs, roasted veg (everything tastes better roasted!), sweet potatoes, vietnamese, thai, soups, guacamole, all different kinds of veggie burgers. I don’t eat fake meat, because I try not to eat processed foods. Hope this helps!

      1. Sorry Emmabean, I accidently clicked Report! I hate that Reply and Report are so close together!

        I also try to stay away from most processed foods and eat primarly whole foods (think 100 days of real food) so I appreciate your non-processed recommendations!

    7. I’ve been vegan for five years, and vegetarian for almost my entire life before that. I really try not to preach about veganism because food is so personal, but I’m thrilled to talk about it when people ask! First, although you may not think it’s important to your meal planning, I’d be curious to know your reasons for going plant-based. For me, it’s equally about animal welfare/environment and my own health. I’ve seen people try to give up meat solely for health reasons with no connection to animal suffering, and, while not true for everyone, it’s been harder for them because there is no real emotional connection to their reasoning. If you are up for it, I would suggest reading and learning about meat and dairy production. It may make the transition easier, knowledge is power, etc.

      Second, when it comes to food itself, I would suggest adding before eliminating. Tofu gets a bad rap, but I’ve eaten more of it in my life than most people, and believe it, it is SO versatile. There are literally a thousand ways to prepare it. Beans are also excellent – I eat many different varieties per week. I’m not really into the fake meat products because I never ate real meat, but there are so many things on the market now. I’m partial to unsweetened almond milk, but sometimes buy coconut milk or hemp milk. I won’t lie – cheese was hard to give up, but I don’t even think about it anymore. (Honestly, I think about it as pus, and that pretty much ended any craving I used to have for it.) I spread avocado and hummus on baked tofu sandwiches for creaminess , and Daiya is actually a very good vegan cheese substitute for lasagna and pizza. I probably have pasta once per week, but more often have brown rice, millet, quinoa, farro, etc. as my carb with dinner. Tofu, beans, veggies, seasonings, etc., and you’re good to go. There is a huge world of vegan cooking (and baking) out there. Experiment, and have fun!

      1. And that’s why people hate vegans. I won’t call your tempeh gruel, don’t call my cheese pus.

        1. Thank you for adding nothing to the conversation. I don’t call it pus to your face, but to me that’s what it is. OP asked for tips and suggestions for going plant based, which I gathered meant no cheese. Thinking about cheese in a different way is a part of going plant based. I keep my mouth shut unless asked. She asked. Get over yourself.

          I’m very loved by a wide variety of meat-eaters. No one hates me, except self-loathing people on the internet.

          Finally, I actually don’t like tempeh, so calling it gruel makes no difference to me.

          1. It is not pus at all. It is food for baby cows. Or goats. Or sheep. You may disagree with eating food that it meant as nourishment for baby animals, but its not pus. Its not even related to pus.

            “No one hates me, except self-loathing people on the internet” is hilarious. Not sure how you got self-loathing out of that (wasn’t my comment, but still hilarious) and its nice and convenient that you can declare that nobody hates you. Nobody hates me either. Also, I have a billion dollars.

        2. Let it go, probably-same-Anonymous all over the posts lately. Let it go, my goodness.

          I love cheese and I am not being defensive to Solo’s thoughtful reply. I’ll say it again: defensive. Perhaps, Anonymous, you should examine your motivations and why you feel the need to be so antisocial and defensive here. :(

          I know this is way after the prime-time hours for this post (catching up, he he), but you are freking me out, Anonymous. Get a grip, woman.

      2. To answer Solo’s question, I am primarily focused on health reasons but think that animal welfare is an important concern. I already try to by meat, eggs, and dairy from places that focus on raising animals humanely. For example, where I live it is common to buy a cow (or 1/2, 1/4, whatever) from a small local ranch where the cows are treated extremely humanely (well, at least up until slaughter). You can visit the farm, meet the animals, etc. The same goes for chickens and eggs. We frequently get eggs from my in-laws who raise their own chickens for egg production on their 80 acres. The chickens run free and are well taken care of. But even with the ability to get better meat, eggs, and dairy, I’d like to reduce my consumption, probably starting with eliminating red meat (also so bad for the environment), then working on poultry, and perhaps finally animal products (although I’m not 100% sold on veganism at this point but have great respect for my vegan friends who have been able to stick with it for years and years!).

    8. I recommend checking out http://www.happyherbivore.com for ideas. I do a lot of baking off her site and have her cookbooks on my list. Nice recipes using legumes, quinoa, etc. I also really like Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything Vegetarian. Not so much for complete meal ideas, but more for how to enjoy vegetables different ways and that kind of thing.

      1. Thanks for the recommendations! I’ll check out both happyherbivore and Bittman’s book.

    9. If you’re looking to avoid pasta, try pairing some vegetables with quinoa, brown rice, lentils, and you can always use a bean in place or in addition to them. For dinner, I often eat things like bowls of sauteed vegetables and quinoa, sauteed or roasted vegetables and a bean, bean salads, roasted vegetables with black beans in a burrito or something, stir-fry with egg and rice, or a soup. You can do a curry or a shepherd’s pie, work in in eggs with a quiche or a shakshuka, or focus more on vegetables with spaghetti squash or making a lasagna or pasta with a vegetable like zucchini for noodles. You can make your own veggie burgers if you are opposed to buying them, or turn it into felafel or felafel-like foods – I often make it out of red beans and green beans.

      There are so many different combinations that you can put into all of these things so you’re not eating the same thing every day, even if it’s the same basic formula. So if I’m eating a veggie bowl, maybe one day it’s a combination of cannelloni beans, rosemary, garlic, and zucchini while the next night it could be chickpeas, cucumber, tomato, olives, feta, and dill, or chickpeas, onion, chili peppers, and crushed tomatoes, or maybe sweet potatoes, black beans, quinoa, and chimmichurri sauce, or another combination of quinoa and roasted eggplant, peppers, and onion. There are so many potential combinations that all taste very different.

    10. You could do the Physicians Committee 21-day Vegan Kickstart. Sign up on their web page, and they’ll email recipes and a meal plan to you. I’m sure their web page also has encouraging health tips for vegetarian eating.

    11. Asian cuisines have a lot of non-meat options typically. So tofu stir fry with rice, with a variety of sauces like black bean sauce, red curry, garlic sauce etc. can transform into Thai or Chinese dishes depending on what you use. Other options are: Lentil-based dishes and soups, pita bread with falafel and salad, quiches like spinach egg and cheese, in European cuisine you could do buckwheat crepes with mushroom or grilled veg fillings.

    12. I did the switch over a year. I went from eating meat every singel day, pretty much, to evey other day. By the time the year was up, I had many “go-to” meals in my arsenal. I haven’t eaten meat in about 7 years now.

      Like many others have posted, I don’t eat much pasta but rather lots of nuts, lentils, chickpeas, quinoa.

      I am mostly vegan at home, but will eat eggs and cheese when we go out.

      I do tofu a couple of times a month. For example last night I pan fried (in peanut oil) some tofu, then sauteed some onions, red peppers, green beans and cauliflower, then added peanut sauce and served over rice.

      Brown lentils can replace ground beef in spaghetti bolognese or tacos, for example.
      I often add red lentils to soups for the protein.
      Green lentils hold their shape better and are bigger and “meatier”.

      This year I bought a pressure cooker and cook up a batch of dried beans on the weekend, then freeze them in recipe sized portions. That way I don’t have to rely so much of canned beans and lentils.

      I don’t miss meat at all, even bacon. Once I stopped eating it, I lost the desire for it.

    13. I’ve been vegetarian for a while but have recently been making an effort to eat more produce and less refined carbs+cheese. I think summer is a great time to shift to a more plant-based diet because there are so many great things in season.

      I love black beans, so I eat a lot of Mexicanish meals – for instance, my lunch today was a tortilla heaped with lettuce, black beans, corn, and salsa.

      Ratatouille is another one of my favorites – usually I just kind of throw things together but I made this http://www.domesticate-me.com/summer-ratatouille-tartines-burrata-honey-balsamic-drizzle/ over the weekend and it’s my new go-to recipe.

      A really easy meal is sliced mushrooms (not the white ones, but crimini or shitake), halved cherry tomatoes, and baby spinach (add this last after the mushrooms are mostly cooked) sautéed in butter or oil. Sometimes I’ll mix in a little bit of pasta or quinoa or top it with a fried egg, but just a bowl of the veggies makes for a pretty satisfying meal.

      I’m not a big fan of stuffed peppers, but I’ve been eating a lot of stuffed tomatoes.

      My main struggle hasn’t been eliminating meat, but cutting back on refined flour and sugar, and for that I’ve found treats like grilled peaches, grilled pineapple, and grilled bananas to be lifesavers.

      If you’re used to eating a lot of meat and don’t want to buy processed substitutes, check out the Chubby Vegetarian blog – lots of meat-like dishes made from vegetables. I’m also a fan of Cookie and Kate (a blog), Vegetarian Ventures (a blog), and The French Market cookbook.

  19. I know many of you have talked about your positive experiences with Junior League. I’m considering joining the DC chapter with the hope of meeting some new friends in the city and finding a fulfilling volunteer position. My concern is that I’m quite a frugal person, so I’m wondering about JL expenses beyond the membership fee. I don’t want to join and then resent the costs of events, etc. Any insights into JL costs in DC or other cities? TIA!

    1. In NYC, my friends report a pretty significant cost. There is an expectation that you will buy tickets for all or most of their events, which are often pricey, and attend looking cute, so a dress expense as well. Most of them love it, but certainly many chapters are run with a “rich women doing good work ” mentality that may mean you’re uncomfortable with the expectations.

    2. I recently had to dis-enroll for now from my JL because of my health more than anything else (I just couldn’t reliably attend all the events I needed to attend.) But, I have stuck with the volunteer activity I had as my first “placement” because I love it so much – so I am still really glad I joined and may rejoin when my health is more reliable.

      But I do have to admit that the cost has always been a bit of an issue for me. I try to think of it as a sort cost of the benefits (networking, organized volunteering, etc.) but it can be hard. And I’ve heard through the JL grapevine that DC can be quite expensive. Though, its important to note that the first year is generally MOST expensive and then you learn strategies for mitigating cost. I might try to get a current JL member outside of the official recruiting scenarios and ask them to be frank about cost with you. In my experience, that will get you PLENTY of info.

    3. I’m a new member in Omaha and have found it to be very cheap so far. But then again… it’s Omaha. I don’t know if Junior Leagues in other areas do this but at recruitment for new members they had sheets that listed the financial and time responsibilities expected each year so you could see before you joined. A lot of commitments had the option of volunteering time or monetary donations. If I were to donate money for my commitments it would be about $300 including the yearly fee. This does not include all the brunches and socials and trivia nights girls organize on their own through the league though.

      1. IIRC, this was about the cost in DC as well. A lot of social things are pay-your-own-way at a bar (where people come from work), so it doesn’t have to be more expensive than the dues. The JLW is about half lawyers, so people show up to things during the week in workwear (which is similar for many of the hill staffers, etc.).

        Also, I believe that you could have paid dues monthly rather than in a lump sum.

    4. I found the following on the DC league’s s!te. Not sure how accurate/complete it is…

      – The financial requirement for Active Members is $278 for annual dues and a $50 minimum financial or goods contribution to our spring fundraiser, Tossed and Found.

      – In addition to dues, there is a New Member application processing fee of $35 and a New Member Course fee of $316.

      I also have always had a ticket obligation for the yearly fundraiser which can easily be another $100+, but I am not a member of the DC league so it may be different. Also some leagues have a service option in lieu of buying tickets. I recently transferred from a league in NJ to one in the South and I just wear what I wore to work to events other than fancy fundraising events and I skip most of the happy hours, etc.

    5. I have been in two big cities’ leagues (not DC, though). Both cost about $250/year for dues. In addition, there is a 1-ticket requirement, about $100-125 (though we do have 2 big events per year and it’s fun, though definitely not required, to go to both). In addition, they ask everyone to do annual giving, but that can be just $1 (it’s the participation they want). Anndddd…. That’s about it. Yes, there are more informal socials that may be held at restaurants or bars, but none of that is required, or you can even go and not buy anything or just order something cheap ( usually just a $10 donation at the door). The way I see it, the Junior League is a way to make friends and also give back, and I would have no problem going for brunch occasionally with friends or out for cocktails, so it’s not a problem in this context. Plus, all donations (including dues!) to the Junior League are tax-deductible, so that helps.

    7. My league only has a dues requirement and a requirement to donate $40 worth of goods to the thrift shop annually. Aside from dues, there are virtually zero costs of membership for me.

  20. Is it unprofessional or otherwise not-nice-looking for a little toe cleavage to be showing? I bought a new pair of shoes that I otherwise love, but they’re cut a little deep in the toe area.

    1. This is a know your office kind of situations. Would be totally fine for mine where many women wear peeptoes to work in the summer – maybe not so much for a ‘full suits mandatory in the office’ kind of spot.

  21. I’m a member of the JL in a mid-sized southern city, and it has really not been that expensive. The way my chapter works is that a portion of your annual dues (which I think were around $400 my first year, but are $275 after that) can be allocated to purchase tickets to events, cookbooks, or whatever. Anything extra you want you pay for out of pocket. So, if you wanted 5 tickets to an event rather than the 2 you paid for out of your dues, you’d pay for the additional 3 tickets out of pocket.

    There is a lot of financial flexibility based on what your placement is (i.e. what committee you end up working on), what extra activities you’re interested in being involved with outside of your placement, etc. I don’t know if this is the way all chapters work or not, but in mine you need to get a certain number of “points” each year that can be earned by participating in activities or by providing other resources (money, donations of food for the food bank or wine for meetings, etc.) So, obviously, if you do a lot of volunteer work, that would be a free way to get your points, but if your schedule is so packed you don’t have time to volunteer, you may need to spend money to get points. There are also some “just for fun” events that we do like exercise classes, glass blowing, photography, and that sort of thing that are optional, but have a cost attached, usually in the $30 price range. All meetings are free, but twice a year we have a special meeting (either a luncheon or a sit down dinner) that cost about $30 to attend, but there’s an open bar, so it’s really no more than you’d spend at dinner if you got a couple of drinks anyway.

    All in all, I’ve really found it to be quite reasonable, but I imagine it varies widely by chapter. We have over 600 members with widely varying levels of participation, but are very laid back and flexible in general.

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