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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This V-neck sheath from Boss would be perfect for someone who has a pretty solid work wardrobe but is looking to level up with some bolder pieces. The V-neck sheath is a classic silhouette, but the zipper accents add a little something special, kind of like tossing a leather jacket over an evening gown.
I would wear this to the office on a day when I’m headed right to an after-work event with some of my cooler, more creative friends.
The dress is $595 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes 0-14.
(Looking for something similar but more affordable? Donna Morgan has a ton of sleeved sheath dresses at Amazon and Nordstrom Rack.)
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
Josie P
My kitchenaid 6 quart bit the dust this weekend. Does anyone have experience with the Ankarsrum mixer and how it compares to the kitchenaid? This is like the 3rd or 4th kitchenaid I’ve gone through (metal fatigue, motor burned out, now the gear box) so I’m wondering if I should try something else!
Anon
No helpful advice, but very curious to know what your typical mixer use entails.
Anon for this
Also curious about this! If it’s helpful, KitchenAid is great at getting replacement parts.
Anon
I didn’t know this was a thing that happened! If I were you, I would be giving up on consumer market mixers and going straight to restaurant supply industrial strength alternatives.
Anon
I think this comment nails it. Kitchen Aid is pretty sturdy, so if this is a recurring issue, OP’s use is at a higher level than standard home kitchen. Professional tools should do the trick.
Anon
Yup. I cannot fathom wearing out a KA mixer regularly! OP, time for commercial for you!
Anon
Yes, absolutely. I’ve had a 5-quart bowl lift model KitchenAid that I got from Costco for over 20 years. We only use the mixer maybe once every couple of months, but we have made bread dough, large amounts of cookie dough, etc. in it and never had an issue.
If OP is doing hardcore baking or working with very stiff bread doughs, etc. – or maybe using the attachments, like the meat grinder or the food mill, frequently, I guess? – she needs a commercial-level mixer. Hobart makes a regular-kitchen-size (not restaurant-kitchen-size) mixer (the N-50) and that’s probably what OP needs, if she’s burning through multiple KitchenAids. They are pricey but probably more cost-effective over time than buying Kitchenaids every few years.
Anonymous
No personal experience, but that brand is what America’s Test kitchen recommended if as a step above kitchen aid, easily if you do a lot of bread/stiff dough mixing. It’s more expensive, but I’ve never had an ATK review let me down, so I’d buy it!!!
LawDawg
My kitchenaid worm gear wore out a few years ago. It cost under $20 to buy a new one and less than an hour following along with a YouTube video to replace it. If you would rather get a new one, go for it. But don’t put the old one into a landfill. I’m sure someone else would love to replace parts and get it working again.
C2
There is a guy on TikTok – Mr. Mixer – who repairs KitchenAid machines. You can mail it to him. Search on google and you’ll find him.
Kelly
I have an Ankarsrum and it’s great for heavy-duty mixing like pizza dough and bread. I find that I don’t use it for smaller-batch stuff like cookies and instead use a hand mixer. I’m very happy with that combination. I’ll say though that the Ankarsrum is very heavy (yes, even heavier than the Kitchen Aid) and much harder to move around if you need flexibility in your kitchen.
Anon
I am wanting to try the Patagonia Tres 3-in-1 parka. It appears to currently be full price on REI and Patagonia’s website. Do they typically have sales or should I just go ahead and order? Any of these websites easier with returns/exchanges? Our local REI does not appear to have it in stock in the store yet.
I am in Chicago and the temps are about to go from a high of 80+ to 50’s this week. Does this parka run true to size? Would you go with black or blue or green? Thanks!
anon
I don’t have this parka but I have others from patagonia. Every time I get a color, I regret it. I’d go for black. They do go on sale but won’t before you’re significantly into winter. I’d try to purchase from backcountry or moosejaw and you can probably get a coupon code for 15% off for a first order.
Anon
+1. Those shops also sometimes have rebates from Rakuten and other cashback s!tes. Not a significant discount, but it’s something.
Anonymous
I’ve found that Patagonia typically runs a size small, for both women’s and kids’ clothing.
Anon
Join REI. They regularly have coupons on full-price items that make it worth it.
Anon
This is not responsive to your questions, but it you have not worn Patagonia, the cut tends to fit straighter bodies better than curvy ones.
anon
I think it depends on the fit style. I forget exactly what the three fits are called, but I love the most relaxed fit and the medium fit for my curvy body. The slimmer fit isn’t good for me.
Anon
Both Patagonia and REI have excellent return policies. I’d buy your normal size and up one size and return what doesn’t work.
You can usually find the 3 in 1s on sale around the end of the season.
I have an REI gortex shell that I use with the Patagonia long nano that work well.
For what it’s worth, if you spoke to an REI employee, they’d likely recommend you buy the jacket and shell separately —https://www.gearpatrol.com/outdoors/a418413/why-you-should-never-buy-a-three-in-one-jacket/
anon
I use the patagonia torrentshell over the down sweater hoody for a shorter jacket. for a parka situation, i use the patagonia city coat over the north face thermoball parka.
Anon
As to returns, it’s easy to make returns at REI and they accept in store returns for stuff purchased online. I know I find it easier to make returns at a store than go to the post office, so personally I would order from REI
Anon
OP Here:
Any recommendations for other jackets instead of this one? I used a North Face parka in the past that is now over 7 years old and ripping. I have a longer thicker parka that I use for 20 degrees or cooler. I am needing something for the majority of the winter/fall otherwise.
Thanks!
Anon
Patagonia nano with a shell. Also, North Face will fix or replace your jacket. I have one of their short rain shells and the lining was peeling, jacket was about 10 years old, and they sent me a brand new one. I only had to pay to ship the old one to them.
If possible, I’d recommend going in person to try what’s available at REI, Patagonia, North Face, etc.
My all time favorite coat for very cold weather is from Wellensteyn, a German company. I wore that when I had to travel to Chicago the week of the 2019 polar vortex and felt adequately prepared.
Aging, Slowing Parents
At what age did your parents start really slowing down?
My mom recently turned 66 and when I visited her this past weekend, I noticed a distinct slowdown. Walking for more than 20 minutes (or just being on her feet) was hard, she got tired more easily, and she was less quick on the uptake in conversations (though I think a lot of that is her hearing – it’s hard to know what’s going on when you’re struggling to piece together what was said from the few words you can hear + context clues).
She’s still working, though has been at the same company for years and is sitting in a sort of emeritus role. I’m struggling with both how to adapt our relationship and how to hopefully encourage things that will keep her active for longer. I’m in my late-20s and while kids are 3-4 years off for my SO and I, I always pictured her as a very involved grandmother and I’m starting to worry that’ll be unlikely to happen.
An0n
My parents are late 60s and I’ve noticed a slight slowdown. My mom quit tennis because her knee finally got too bad (she’s putting off a replacement). But they walk a ton – my dad successfully slimmed down my sister’s very overweight dog.
In your shoes I wouldn’t press your mom too much on her overall activity but I’d encourage her to get her hearing checked. There’s a link between hearing loss and cognitive decline.
Anon
My parents are 75 and 78 and they’re definitely slower now, but not to the point where they have a hard time following a conversation or being on their feet for 20 minutes. I have a chronic illness and they still seem better able to handle a lot of things than I am! Your mom might benefit from hearing aids, if you really think her hearing is the problem.
Anon
Everyone is different, sounds like yours is slowing down now. It doesn’t really matter when others do.
NYCer
+1. My parents are older than OP and I haven’t noticed a slow down. They are both mid-70s and very involved grandparents. It varies SO much.
OP – if your mom is struggling with her hearing, I would strongly encourage you to speak with her about hearing aids. Not being able to hear can lead to a slew of issues.
Anon 2.0
Cannot stress the hearing aids enough! My late grandfather suffered dementia and I truly believe some of it was caused by his very bad hearing but stubborn refusal to wear his hearing aids. It required literal screaming to speak to him.
anon
+2, and would also add it’s so dependent on overall health and health issues any one person may have. My in laws are the exact same age as my mother (early 70s) but are in almost perfect health overall save some minor issues like high cholesterol or being on BP meds. They are extremely active and involved grandparents and in fact my FIL still works part time in a physically active blue collar job. On the flip side, my mom has suffered from several major health issues over the last decade (including vision and mobility difficulties) and so just isn’t able to do as much as she used to.
Anonymous
+3. Slowing down happens at different ages for different people based on different factors. OP’s reality is that her mother is slowing down now, and she needs to adapt to that going forward.
anon
+1 My parents slowed down between 54 and 60. I might wish it were different, but I couldn’t do anything about it then and sure can’t do anything about it now, a full 20 years later.
Anon
One thing that a lot of people don’t realize is that it’s really important for people with hearing loss to wear hearing aids. Significant cognitive detriment can occur when people are unable to participate in conversations and hear what’s going on around them. Is your mom open to hearing aids?
My parents are 65 and 67 and still very active and mobile, but there were a few scary years where that seemed unlikely. I have an aunt who is 73 and has dementia and frailty and her sister is 72 and looks and acts 55, tops. It’s so, so variable. But the one thing that I have consistently observed across everybody that I know is that the people who exercise the most and the most consistently are doing the best in aging, by far.
Anon
And to expand on this briefly, my father rides his mountain bike, my mom rides horses, and the active aunt does an intensive dance class six days a week. All of them are doing more than simple walks and I think that is key. Walks are a bonus, but not enough.
Anonymous
Walks are plenty
Anon
No – not in my experience. Maybe they’re plenty for some people.
anon
I mean, it’s great if anyone (including older people) can do super intense exercise like that, but many people (including my mom) cannot because of other health conditions that impede such active exercise. My mom would never be able to do those kinds of activities because of her vision and mobility difficulties, but she does take several semi-brisk walks every day and her doctor has said that that is perfect for her and her abilities right now.
Anon
Of course they’re great if you’re limited from doing anything more (plus they’re enjoyable and social), but people are saying you should do more IF you can for best results. My parents’ doctors strongly advise strength training in the senior years.
Anon
Yes, when I look at my parents (early 60s) and my aunts and uncles (mid 60s-mid 70s) the ones that are healthy, mobile, and connected are doing a lot to stay that way. They all lift and do cardio (to the tune of 20 mile bike rides, 10 mike hikes, or hours of tennis a week. My dad and his brother (62 and 67) both play pickup basketball for 2 hours once a week) and a few also are really good about working on flexibility ahd mobility (yoga, Pilates, stretching). They walk quite a bit but that’s in addition to their workouts.
Some of them are hit the gym people and others just have active hobbies like hiking.
They’re also all focused on eating well, socializing, and doing things to help their mind (reading, Wordle, soduku).
Walking is great, but it’s not enough to stay young and active.
anon
Walking is actually one of the most recommended exercises for older people, because it provides very substantial benefits at a very low risk of injury. Both the likelihood and the impact of injury become more significant as people age. The key is that the walk needs to be brisk and for a substantial period of time. Mobility and balance exercises like yoga and Pilates are also key.
I’m an intense-exercise person myself, but it is absolutely the case that older people are at higher risk of a fall or an overuse injury, and that recovery for that is much worse for them. My dad recently gave up running (at 75) after finally admitting that as he aged he was tripping and falling more frequently and getting overuse injuries that were sidelining him for months.
Anonymous
Selection bias may be at play here. Does activity that keeps them healthy? Or does being healthy allow them to stay active?
Anon
Yes, this! I think some level of activity is necessary to stay healthy. But I’ve also seen a lot of formerly very active people have to stop because they develop some sort of health issue that prevents them from continuing those types of activities, and it’s only the very healthy who are able to continue to be that active into very old age.
Anon
Couple of factoids about hearing aids from someone who is dealing with this now. My husband is retired and has some high frequency hearing loss. Did you know that hearing aids aren’t covered by Medicare or supplemental plans? Did you know that a modern hearing aid costs thousands of dollars and has to be replaced every couple of years? Did you also know that audiologist shops often engage in hard-sell tactics to a vulnerable population? Believe me when I say it’s worse than any phone store you’ve been to.
For my husband in particular, they said a hearing aid *might* help him hear the high frequencies and might not, so right now he has decided not to do it. He’s a competent adult and can make his own decisions and I respect his ability to do so.
I have a low frequency hearing loss. I noticed it a few years ago when I couldn’t always hear one low-voiced dude on NPR. I got my hearing checked by an MD and she told me that frequency was gone and wasn’t coming back with a hearing aid. I appreciated her giving it to me straight. I’m 75% convinced that if my husband had gone to her (unfortunately, she retired) rather than the hearing aid shop, he would have received the same kind of diagnosis.
Anon
The only PSA I’m taking from this is to see a MD and not a salesperson. That is reasonable! Hearing aids are still evidence based and life changing when medically appropriate.
I know they’re not insurance covered, but it’s not because they’re not legitimate. It’s because they’re less of a risk than a certainty (especially when noise pollution that directly results in hearing loss is legal and everywhere).
Paula
Agree with this 100%. The earlier a person starts wearing them, the better. As people get older, it seems to get harder for them to adapt to the difference experience of hearing through hearing aids.
Anonymous
My folks didn’t really slow until health issues, which happened mid to late 70s. I’d have your mom talk with her doc. A 20 min walk shouldn’t be that taxing. Lack of stamina like that can result from a multitude of things from lack of exercise to poor sleep quality to more serious things like heart issues. Some of these things (sleep, heart) can also affect mental acuity.
Anon
+1, both the lack of exercise or a heart issue can result in reduced stamina. I would get the heart checked.
Anon
You talk about OP’s mom like she’s a pet. She’s and adult and can get checked out whatever she wants to get checked out.
Anon
Getting good medical care isn’t as simple as just showing up to the doctor’s anymore though. They rush people on through and don’t always listen. It’s very normal for anyone struggling with decline at any age to need support accessing care and communicating that they’re not just whining; the problem is real.
Anonymous
My mom was dead at 62 so no slowing down. My dad at 72 plays 30 hours of pickleball a week! I think there are many things here but the most important are: 1- talk to her about her hearing and encourage her to speak to her doctor about it, 2- let go of your grandma expectations, that’s not fair to her or you
Anon
+1 to #2
Anon
I think that’s around when my parents started slowing down. With kids down the road, she may still want to be very involved but it’s realistic that she may never be up for babysitting. My mom would love to babysit all the time but she’s not actually capable of it. Instead we all hang out together.
Anon
+1 on strongly recommending hearing aids if she’s has hearing loss. My MIL denied having hearing problems but we noticed she couldn’t hear our kids (higher pitched voices) and would just nod and smile when they spoke to her. If I talked when her back was turned to me, she completely wouldn’t hear or respond. My husband literally made the appointment for her and took her to the audiologist, and she has benefited hugely from her hearing aids. She’s much more involved in conversations now and loves being able to hear the tv and talk on the phone through Bluetooth connected hearing aids. The technology has come a long way. Hearing loss can definitely contribute to cognitive decline.
As far as other signs of aging, I agree with others that it varies widely and is very individual. And unfortunately some people get set in their ways and won’t take steps that might benefit their mobility etc.
tova
My Dad, grandma, and uncle all have hearing aids from Costco. They really have a great program. My dad’s also gone to other audiologist office, but costco is preferred by him.
They link to the phone, and they have phonecalls go straight to the hearing aids, can play music or podcasts, and are good quality. it’s superimportant for their QOL and being able to participate in things
Highlander
My mother has had the same experience with Costco hearing aids, and a few years ago she was excited about the connectivity. As she’s gotten older (she’s now 89) she’s become less adept at using the technology, but the hearing aids still serve her well.
Anon
Anecdotally, 80 is a big turning point for a lot of people. Not that there aren’t some very spry 85 year olds, but 80 is when most of my older relatives and in-laws started seeming “old.”
My parents are 71 and 73 and still don’t feel old to me. My mom has more energy than I do. My dad has arthritis and is slowing down physically but he was never very active so it’s not a huge change. They’re both very sharp mentally and are super involved grandparents who do a lot of childcare including driving our kid, which we wouldn’t allow if we had any doubts about their competence.
Agree that she should get a hearing aid if hearing is an issue – that can make a huge difference.
Anon
Are her hearing aids that bad or is she not using them? The right hearing aids can really, really help!
66 is far too young to explain being tired after walking for twenty minutes; I am worried she may need a medical check up?
I suspect that older women sometimes experience a double whammy of isms when seeking healthcare (since it’s normalized for women to feel unwell, and normalized to chalk symptoms up to aging). To be fair, people also don’t always convey these things to their doctors (“I get tired after only twenty minutes of walking”). But there are treatable conditions and issues with symptoms like these.
Anon
I did a river trip a few years ago with a group spanning all ages and the fittest person of all was a 72-year-old commercial salmon fisherman who would paddle an 18-foot oar raft through Class IV+ (read: very hard) rapids by day and go on six-hour hikes when we got to camp. Being with him for nine days changed my outlook on aging and what is possible. Being active is incredibly key.
Anon
I am 67, working in a challenging job and very physically active. Personally, I have found the past two years challenging, feeling my body aging it ways I had not experienced earlier. I was discussing this with a same age friend recently, also in a big job and very fit, and he said the same thing.
Anonymous
That’s pretty young to experience the slowdown you’re describing. It does take a lot more effort to maintain your physical well-being after ~65. She should look into mobility work like Pilates or yoga, for a start. And a hearing aid as so many people have suggested.
ProfP
Many people have mentioned that there is tremendous variability in the age when people slow down. I’ll add that it’s also very non-linear. When I was younger I imagined a gradual decline, not a step function. But that’s what I’ve seen in parents and 81-year old husband. He still does ultramarathons (mostly walking), but has experienced several quite abrupt changes in physical capabilities. Then we go a year or more with no perceptible change, then something suddenly becomes difficult or impossible.
Anon
This is what we’ve experienced with my MIL (who has now passed) and my parents. It’s not a slow decline; they’ll be going along and then something happens and it limits what they can do in the future. My dad was doing strength training and then had to have a second hernia surgery, and the doctor said he needed to restrict his training in a way he had a hard time adapting to, so he quit – which has then had subsequent effects on his strength and stamina. My mom was walking 3+ miles a day, then had a varicose vein rupture in her leg; she had surgery and then downtime and she’s trying to come back from it, but it’s been a long road. They are both 72, FYI.
With my MIL, it was very much – she was fine and living completely independently, until she had a slip-and-fall accident at 76 and hurt her neck and upper back. She never really came back from that, and died at 78. But even that two-year period was not a slow decline – she would bounce back and then there’d be another hit; then she’d bounce back and then something else would happen. She was not terribly active and that may not have helped, but who knows.
I just want to dispel the idea that senior decline is always this logical, predictable sequence of events. It got very unpredictable with my MIL right before she passed and she actually died before we even had time to get in the car and drive to where she was. Don’t assume you have time to talk about late-life/end-of-life care, make plans around moving to assisted living in a slow and orderly fashion, etc. Things can happen very fast and you have to have faith in your own ability to react appropriately.
Anonymous
For what it’s worth, my parents were still pretty active at that age and were not involved grandparents to my kids. I say this just to point out that often the picture we have in our head doesn’t happen for any number of reasons…
anon
+1. The most important thing re grandparents is to let go of any preconceived ideas about what type of grandparents your own parents/in laws will be. It will either save a lot of heartache or be a pleasant surprise.
Seventh Sister
I feel like my parents really started to slow down in their mid-70s. They went from being retired but having volunteer jobs that were very time-consuming (local city council, church treasurer) to just being retired and mildly social. It was also around that time that my very very elderly (100+) grandparent passed away, so I think they psychologically felt they could be the “old people” after her death. They also made some changes (moving, downsizing) around that time so they wouldn’t have to make big changes in a health crisis.
My in-laws slowed down in their late 70s, but now in their mid 80s they are in deep denial about their frailty and their ability to look after themselves. It’s only a matter of time before they set the kitchen on fire, fall down the stairs and break several limbs, or something else/worse. But they are totally unwilling to make any changes.
edj3
“My in-laws slowed down in their late 70s, but now in their mid 80s they are in deep denial about their frailty and their ability to look after themselves. It’s only a matter of time before they set the kitchen on fire, fall down the stairs and break several limbs, or something else/worse. But they are totally unwilling to make any changes.”
You must be my sister in law, I see you know my parents. In our case, it’s made worse because my parents live in Idaho, one sister is in Denver, I’m in Kansas City along with a brother and the remaining sister is in England. To say we can’t get there quickly is an understatement. But they’re going to keep on going down this path. It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion.
Seventh Sister
It’s so nice to know I’m not alone! And that my husband has a long-lost sister, lol. We could use some more women in the family, it’s all boys all the time around here.
Related: both my parents and my in-laws had elderly parents who wouldn’t move or change anything until a crisis forced the issue (e.g., stroke, caretaking spouse died, broken back). My parents both swore they wouldn’t hold out like that because it was so much work at the worst possible time and so far away. My in-laws’ guiding principle is that they will be carried out of their current house feet first (which will happen but they may be carried out and into a medical center).
Seventh Sister
It’s so nice to know I’m not alone! And that my husband has a long-lost sister, lol. We could use some more women in the family, it’s all boys all the time around here.
Related: both my parents and my in-laws had elderly parents who wouldn’t move or change anything until a crisis forced the issue (e.g., stroke, caretaking spouse died, broken back). My parents both swore they wouldn’t hold out like that because it was so much work at the worst possible time and so far away. My in-laws’ guiding principle is that they will be carried out of their current house feet first (which will happen but they may be carried out and into a medical center).
Runcible Spoon
Oh, that describes my mid-80’s mom — can’t hear well, even with hearing aids, starting not to see well (talking about cataract surgery, but hasn’t made any move to schedule it), and losing her memory — literally draws a blank and cannot remember things we did together several months ago. Plus, she’s always been a poor driver, and is even worse now, but won’t give it up in our suburban location, because of the restrictions on her independence and lifestyle that would entail. Worse yet, one of my siblings won’t give up the convenience of my mom as babysitter, and my mom as codependent is happy to feel needed. I worry about a fatal traffic accident with the kid in the car.
Anonymous
I would encourage her to go for a full physical is this is unexplainable. And I echo the comments on how important hearing aids are.
Anon
Others have mentioned this, but there’s a slew of studies pointing to the connection between hearing loss and dementia. Pride may keep her from admitting a hearing problem, but pointing out that not treating it increases her risk of dementia should cure that quick! Dementia is I think something everyone dreads.
https://publichealth.jhu.edu/2021/hearing-loss-and-the-dementia-connection
https://www.nih.gov/news-events/nih-research-matters/hearing-aids-slow-cognitive-decline-people-high-risk
And yes, age 66 seems early to me and would concern me as well.
Anon
Late 50s due to smoking. I’m late 50s now and much healthier than either of my parents were at this age (in fact, my dad died at my age) but I’m not where I was 10 years ago.
There’s a lot of refusal to accept aging in this community and the world at large.
I don’t see where she asked for your help. Your lost is about you. You want your mom not to age so she can be the grandmother you imagined her to be.
Cut the woman a break. She’s not mentally feeble. She’s still working full time at 66. You sort of pooh-pooh her job as not important or challenging, which is so disrespectful. The woman clearly worked her ass off to get to the point in her career where she has emeritus status. She’s fine. There’s not a problem for you to fix here, and comparisons to other people are meaningless because everyone runs their own race when it comes to aging.
Live your own life and let her live hers.
Anonymous
This exactly!
We live in a society that worships youth, to the point that we have grown terrified of natural aging.
OP, accept your mother as she is and let go of the version of her that is in your head.
Anonymous
My mom slowed down, but now she’s back. Basically, between maybe 66 and 70, my mom was in a bad place. She had bad knees and then had a double knee replacement, all of which made her miserable and was painful. She was depressed. AND she was still working, but increasingly bored with her job. It felt like maybe she was just old and this was what the end of her life would be like. Fast forward a few years and she’s done with the knee replacement and recovery, which has helped her to be much more physically active. She’s on an antidepressant which has made a big difference. And she has switched jobs – she retired around 71 and now is consulting, so she still works a lot but in a new environment where she has new challenges and things that are interesting to her. Bottom line: your mom could be slowing down and aging, but she could also have other existing medical issues that deserve independent attention before you just chalk it up to aging, or she could just be going through a transition that is hard. Depression and hearing loss are huge, huge issues for people who are aging, and fortunately, both can be effectively treated.
Anonymous
I am in my early 60’s and have always worked out. Nothing crazy but super consistent with it for 40 years. Also I maintained my college graduation weight throughout. I can tell you there is a huge difference between me and some of my girlfriends from college who led a sedentary life, ate poorly, and/or those who gained a lot of weight. They are like a different generation.
With the hearing thing, that’s trickier than you would think. Sometimes it’s not correctable with hearing aides but that won’t stop anyone from selling you one. They are not like glasses where you put them on and it’s fixed.
Can you try to get her in for a check up? Don’t assume it’s age.
AIMS
None of my creative friends would think this dress is “cool.” It’s kind of like a leather jacket from Chico’s – technically “edgy” but sanded down for someone relatively traditional in their mid to later years. I know it’s boring to feature the same plain classic something but I would like this dress so much more without the zippers.
anon
Yeah, this is very 2006 Calvin Klein-from-Macy’s-workwear to me. Which I wore a lot of in 2006 but…it’s not a very contemporary style to me.
Anokha
I had the same reaction.
Anon
CK is exactly what I thought of (at Macy’s or possibly TJ Maxx!). The cut is flattering on the model but it would be more appealing without the zipper bling.
Anon
Agreed.
Anon
+1
Anon
This is very much that. Calvin Klein had a whole collection a few years back that was this vibe/aesthetic and I loved it at the time but I’m not sure it still works now – it feels a little too soon for the trend to have been recycled already.
busybee
I really like it, which is a strong hint it’s outdated.
Anon
Hahaha
Anon
I hear you….
Anonymous
Without the zippers it’s a plain black dress you can buy a dozen places.
Anonymous
Quality and tailoring makes the difference here, it just doesn’t come across well in photos. In person, you’d definitely notice the difference between this dress from Boss or a nearly identical style dress in ponte from Lands End.
Anon
+1
Anon
So agree! It would make my cooler friends feel sorry for me having to dress that way and superior for not having sold out to the man.
Anon
If your friends actually feel that way about you, which I doubt they do, then you need new friends.
Cat
I agree and also the placement seems like it would be really irritating IRL – like the zipper would be prone to curving oddly and stiffly when sitting down.
Anonymous
Nonfunctional zippers annoy me almost as much as nonfunctional pockets.
Anonymous
The zippers look awful and I wouldn’t take this dress if it were free.
As someone who does not find classic boring at all, though, I would pay this kind of money for a plain dress that I could wear over and over for a decade.
Anonymous
This is why it’s super frumpy. There is no edge to the style at all.
Anonymous
would your creative friends have ever thought corporate attire was cool?
Home generator
Anybody have a home generator? Not a portable one, but looking at a whole home generator hooked up to our natural gas. Not sure if this is regional (I’m in the SEUS) but trying to decide between Generac and Kohler. Mainly looking at feedback on reliability from anybody who has a Generac one. They seem to get dinged on reliability, but the Costco deal on Generac is hard to resist. The Costco one comes with a 10 year warranty, which somewhat mitigates a reliability concern, but the point of a generator is to have reliable power, and if it’s baseline not super reliable then I probably shouldn’t be swayed by a good warranty?? It’s just such a big $$$ purchase, I’m having decision paralysis, so any feedback would be appreciated! TY!
Anon
I’ve had one for a few years, which I guess it not really long enough to say but so far so good. Everyone on my street has one of those brands and they both seem fine. You do need to get it serviced regularly. I kind of wonder if some people aren’t doing that.
Anon
For something that’s already expensive and needs to be reliable or what’s the point, I’d get the one that has the better reliability rating.
anon
As an alternative, I have house batteries and a small solar installation and it’s fantastic! Takes over so seamlessly when there’s an outage, we look to the app/at neighbors’ houses to see if the grid is down.
It’s extremely quiet and we got a tax credit to help with the (not cheap) cost.
Anonymous
Interesting! Where did you get it and what brand did you get?
anon @ 10:16
I’m in the Bay Area and got Tesla Powerwalls and a Tesla solar roof on a detached garage. Installed by Tesla. My experience working with them was rough, made all the more complicated by living in one of the jurisdictions with the most counter-productive permitting/inspection staff. However, I’ve had the system for a couple years and it’s been great.
Anonymous
We have a Generac on the gas line. It’s been fabulous. So grateful for it when the power does go out. It runs the whole house indefinitely. We have ours checked spring and fall under a maintenance contract with the electricians who installed it, which I highly recommend doing. I’m in the northeast and we got it after Sandy 10 years ago. Never an issue but we do maintained like I said. In our area a realtor friend told me it adds to the resale value of the house. It’s the best thing we ever did house-wise.
Anon
Get the one that has a quieter rating.
Signed,
The poor next-door
Anonymous
We always invite the Nextdoor neighbors in to charge their phone and warm up or whatever they need to do when it’s on.
anon
We have a Generac whole-house generator on the gas line and it’s been amazing. We live in a heavily wooded part of Atlanta and used to lose power all the time; now we never do. We’ve had it for two years and have never had an issue with reliability.
Anon
We had a Generac installed about 5 years ago after two separate incidents where we lost power for over a week (and we are on a well, so that also meant no water, toilets, etc.). It has been called into service numerous times, including 5x in the past few weeks, although never for more than about a day. It has been reliable and has performed well. We live in an area with lots of trees and I am so glad we added the generator.
brokentoe
Here in the Midwest, the Costco choices are between Honeywell (with a 10 year warranty) and Kohler, with Honeywell being the less expensive choice. Anyone have experience with Honeywell whole house generators?
Nesprin
Why generators?
We looked into generators (PGE loves turning off our power) but ended up going with backup batteries- we have 2 Tesla power walls that will power everything except air conditioning for 3 days. We’re at some point going to go with solar on the roof and never need the grid again.
Anon
Some of us live where “solar” requires weather that we don’t have or don’t reliably have. And when we don’t reliably have it, it’s often when we’d need the generator. The cost for unreliable power is why we have Hot Hands from REI and for our last Duke Power roling blackout in sub-zero weather, are eyeing a generator.
Anon
I seriously considered solar and power walls, but they were significantly more expensive – double or triple the cost. It just didn’t financially make sense.
Anon
A warranty isn’t going to do you much good in the middle of a power outage.
Anon
We have a Generac – almost 10 years. It has been fantastic. It was essential because I have a disabled family member that had to have electricity no matter what for safety. It has been surprisingly useful.
Make sure it is installed by a good electrician. We are meticulous at doing yearly service visits with recommended maintenance. We bought it with the standard warranty, and then actually bought a 10 year extended warranty. It was that critical for my family members life. We also bought the small remote signaling/warning device. It reminds you every year when it is time to service, and if it picks up a problem in the system, it sends you an alert so you can call for service. It warned us when the battery needed to be replaced.
We didn’t get from Costco, but would have it that was a choice at the time. Love the Costco warrantees.
oldladylawyer
Sartorial question. “They” are showing short full pants with chunky loafers. I actually like this look a lot but here’s the question. Right now it’s 50 degrees and so i don’t mind a bare ankle but what would you wear for socks once it gets cold? I might not mind a black sock between black loafer and black pants but what about camel or grey? or a brown shoe?
Anon
I’d say loafers don’t work anymore once you need to wear socks, and you will need to switch to a boot that goes under the pant. But interested in others’ opinions.
oldladylawyer
interesting. so with a boot and shorter full pants the idea would be for the boot to be reasonably narrow through the ankle and long enough to go under the cuff?
AIMS
This was a look I wore a lot about 20 years ago(ish). Mid calf or knee high boots with cropped pants but I have not see anyone fashionable wearing it IRL yet.
Anonymous
I really like this look if the pants are wide and the boot had a heel
Anon
I don’t agree with this. I’ll do a thin dark grey wool sock with loafers and pants that aren’t black. I like the look of a little contrast. It’s like putting on a scarf, just try it and see what looks right.
Anon88
It’s actually “cool” to wear slouchy white socks with loafers now, especially chunky loafers. I’m sure not everyone *wants* to, but it’s definitely a thing.
https://www.whowhatwear.com/socks-and-loafers/slide15
Anon
Where do you get such socks? My only white socks are gym socks and would be just bad in a different way.
Anon
The store. Literally anywhere that sells socks.
Anon
OMG seriously.
Anon88
Here’s where I get mine: https://lebonshoppe.com/collections/socks
anon
Yes . . . my teen daughter wears this look when channeling an anime character, and the photos you linked to are of women in LA (or somewhere else that’s hot) wearing this look with a mini-skirt. I’d say could it only be fattening and shortening with cropped wide-leg pants.
Anon
I think a lot of today’s fashions are about something other than making a woman’s body look as tall and skinny as possible, so that might be a feature rather than a bug.
Anon
Yes, but all those modeling the look are, in fact, tall and skinny. For those of us who are neither, it is a cockroach, not a feature.
Anon
I am also neither, and I enjoy wearing current looks that aren’t traditionally “flattering,” so to each her own! Warm ankles and keeping current aren’t cockroach-ish to me.
Anon
My mom wore this loafer/sock combination in 1957 with rolled jeans or a skirt. I have the pics. Everything comes back around.
Anon
I see people ages 18-23 wearing this all the time around SoHo. I (late 30s) couldn’t do it.
Anonymous
I guess you could, socks and hosiery are supposed to be trending. You’d have to try it and see. For me, I put away this look when it’s cold. Im short and I find that slipping socks into this equation will break up the line of my leg in a way that’s not very flattering.
Warm tights and skirts might work with flats in winter but for me that’s mostly boot season. Sandals in summer, flats in fall and spring and boots in winter work for the most part. I love ankle pants and flats but it doesn’t occur to me to wear them in winter any more than it occurs to me to try to wear my sandals in mid fall.
Anon for this
I love a loafer and would go one of two ways – either a subtle trouser sock in either a coordinating color or a nude for you or Intentional Mismatch. So for that, I would totally use a funky pair of patterned socks that might peek out when you cross your legs. A very chic coworker wears fun holiday socks (not my thing) and they peek out of a loafer like this, but only with a full length pant. Last week, she had spiderwebs with black loafers and it was a great look.
Cat
If you’re talking about a look for work, I would just wear warm boots for the commute and then change once inside, but having bare ankles in my 68 degree office in winter doesn’t bug me! I also wear knee-high sheer hose socks with some shoes, which feel like a total Grandma purchase but are MVPs for not having smelly shoes.
Anonymous
Hue has some thin trouser socks that would work. I go with matching my pant, sock and shoe, because I’m not a Pop of Color person.
NY CPA
I would just wear full length pants with the loafers when it was cold. Thankfully wider fits are back in style, which tend to look better in a longer length anyways. I personally think socks with shorter hemmed pants looks like you’re trying to make something work that shouldn’t, but each to their own!
NYNY
This is a classic artsy look, so channel your inner gallerista with either a contrasting colored sock with some volume (ribbing, fuzziness, or bunching) or a fitted patterned sock. I’m also seeing sheer knee-highs making a comeback, which I never would have predicted. But it makes sense after years of no-sock looks that socks are a thing again.
Yoga Woes
Am I being petty here? About a year ago, a new yoga studio opened in my neighborhood. I tried it a few times, and the teachers were just ok but it was so conveniently located that I kept going. In mid-August they announced a sale so I bought a 6 class pack for $150. I used one class right away, then I went on vacation for two weeks, and right after getting back, I got sick (twice in a row ugh) and didn’t go for a couple of weeks. Around September 22 or so, they announced that they were closing on September 28 and transferring everyone’s memberships to another studio (their main branch) which is about 20 minute drive from me (assuming no traffic), and requires taking a bridge with a $6 toll each way (vs the studio that closed is a 10 minute walk from my home). I feel bad that they had to close (sounds like they couldn’t renegotiate their lease), but going to the other studio just doesn’t make sense for me — I have a small kid and I don’t really want to add 40+ minutes and $12 each time I want to go to a class. And I didn’t sign up to donate $125 to a private business. I emailed them (twice now) and asked for a refund for the 5 unused classes and haven’t heard back. Can I do a credit card dispute?
Anon
If they couldn’t even give you a full week’s notice that the studio was closing, I don’t think it’s ridiculous to do a chargeback.
Florida
I don’t think you are being petty at all. They broke their contract and that is what I would say.
Anon
Not so fast there Google JD, we don’t know what the terms were. It’s probable they had a transferability clause connected with the 6 pack to any of their other studios.
An0n
I would call them and if that doesn’t work, go through my credit card.
Anon
I mean you can, but honestly this is in the just let it go category. If you find yourself over there take a class, but do you really want to create another headache for an already struggling business?
Anonie
Why should the OP care if the business is struggling?
Anon
I care because small businesses make my city unique and are having tough times still. I like supporting local businesses and have greens and family who own and work at them. I care because they’re a part of the community I live in. I’m sorry you don’t care about other people.
Anon
I would let it go. It sounds like you would’ve used up your six pack but missed classes for personal reasons unrelated to the studio. And the studio didn’t shut down altogether. It’s still possible for you to take the classes you paid for but you’re choosing not to. It’s not perfectly convenient anymore but it’s still a very reasonable distance from your home.
Anon
Enh disagree. It changes a $25 class to a $37 one which is fairly material. Plus a drive vs. a walk, which functionally means that they are not in the same market area (you have a car, but lots of people don’t!). That is not a fair substitute and not one that the OP would have considered purchasing. And they closed less than ~5-6 weeks after offering this deal, which is a very reasonable amount of time to not have used much of the package yet, especially given the time of year. All of that plus the less than one week notice would have me annoyed too OP. I don’t think you’d be in the wrong to pursue this.
Anon
I disagree with all of this. People buy six-packs of classes, expecting to take them over any number of weeks or months. They pick locations convenient for them, not for the business.
Anonymous
Typically there is a discount in purchasing a package. You take a risk if you don’t use them right away.
anon
Could you sell the unused classes at market value to someone else who could use them?
anon
You will have a challenge in disputing it unless the terms and conditions for the class pack said it was specific to the studio that they closed. If it was specific to that location, then you should win a dispute. If it was not location-specific, then the studio can fight the chargeback on the basis that you were not guaranteed a particular studio location and that you can still use the pack elsewhere.
It’s basically like a gift card to a retail store; you can’t charge it back on the basis that the most convenient location for you closed, but you can charge it back if all the locations closed.
Anon
Is it akin to a gift card or a gym membership contract? Some states allow people to get out of their gym memberships if their chosen location closes, even if others are available.
anon a mouse
I agree with others – the terms are probably with the company as a whole, not that location, but it still stinks. How long is the 6-pack good for? I probably would ask for an extension on that and plan to use the remainder of the 5 classes over the next year or two. Or ask if you can share with a friend and plan a couple of yoga dates with a friend.
I’m surprised at the number of people saying to just let it go, $125 is not insignificant! If you can’t figure out a way to use them, then I probably would charge back. You wouldn’t have purchased the pack if you knew this change was imminent.
Anon
Yes, you are. If this were an AITA situation, YWBTA. Yeah, you’re technically correct. But still petty. You snooze, you loose.
Anonymous
totally disagree, it’s not like she bought a 6 pack set that expired in october and now she wants her money back. they sold it as good in perpetuity.
Anon
I’d say loafers don’t work anymore once you need to wear socks, and you will need to switch to a boot that goes under the pant. But interested in others’ opinions.
Gail the Goldfish
2 clothing questions:
1) Does anyone know how the washable stretch silk blouse from Quince (the long sleeve button down) fits? I’m between two sizes–smaller in bust, larger in waist–and trying to decide which to order
2) Favorite style of jogger pant from Athleta? Want some cozy pants for around the house for Fall/Winter and thought I’d try out joggers while Athleta is having a members sale.
Anon
If you want cozy, the fleece leggings are divine.
Cat
Divine I agree, but I would sweat to death wearing them indoors. I like them for skiing in 5-20 degree weather!
Anon
I am wired differently I guess. Skiing is exercise and keeps me warm but around the house and for walking a slow dog, I need them to not freeze. In a Carolina.
Anon
+1. I I need to dress warmer for working at my desk inside than for exercising outside.
Cat
Oh I get it that standing still or going slow in 40 degrees feels colder than exercising at 20- but those fleece leggings are seriously warm. Def for winter dog walking but in a 68-70 degree house, too much for me!
Anonymous
I like the Venice jogger because they don’t look like sweatpants if you decide to leave the house.
Anon
That blouse runs small, I’d size up.
Vicky Austin
+1 maybe even get your normal size +1 and +2, see which one fits better.
Anon
Agreed. I wear a size up from my normal size, but probably could have done up two without looking like I’m playing dress-up.
Anecdata
I have the quince blouse, and I’d say it runs a little small – not a huge amount, but between sizes, I’d go up. It’s also among my worse for chest gapping button downs, so if you’re smaller on top it might work better
Anon
I like my skinny jeans but realize they are a dated look. I don’t want a wide leg or flare. Boot cuts are OK. Please recommend your favorite new jean style that is not too trendy, not wide leg…something straight leg?
Cat
rag & bone Dre – slim boyfriend, just enough volume to look modern, not so much I need to replace my entire wardrobe to suit
Anon
these look cool! thanks!
Anonymous
I second this recommendation! I am wearing a pair right now that are at least 5 years old. Size down.
Anon
Slim straight or tapered leg.
Anonymous
l like a slim straight leg.
Anonymous
Mother Dazzler, Frame Le High Straight.
Vicky Austin
I just asked this question and ended up with a very nice straight-leg pair from Old Navy – the Wow, I think? Sort of beginner-straight leg for us elder millennial skinny jean aficionados.
Anon
I bought those too – they’re called Wow Slim Straight, I believe. They’re still very slim but not skinny.
Anon
OK love this one too…ON likely <$ than Mother Dazzler and Rag & Bone
No Problem
And if you need a curvy version, the Power Slim Straight.
Anon
I just like Levi straight legs. They’re close to skinny jeans in terms of how they work in an outfit – same top, same shoes – and visually not a lot wider so easier to get used to. I’m not recommending a specific style because it really depends on what you like in a rise.
Anon
I’m sticking with straight leg jeans because I tried bootcuts and remembered immediately that it’s a problem for me to have all that fabric flapping around my ankle. (Obviously, flares are out of the question.) Levi’s has some straight-leg options in their Gold Label brand they sell on Amazon that I love and that’s basically all I wear now.
Anon
Could you post a link?
Anonymous
Citizens of Humanity stovepipes are great for this.
Laura
I really like Jcrew Vintage Slim Straight.
Anon
Everlane Original Cheeky Jean
Skirt question
I bought the Anthropologie Silky Cargo Skirt (not going to link here). Love the length, fit and parachute style, but it has a LOT of metal pieces I didn’t really notice in the stock photos. Anyone have other similar recos?
Flannel Shmannel
Looking for a good flannel shirt for an hourglass-shaped size 12, preferably with some stretch. I love the look of cozy flannel shirts in the fall but they always seem boxy and stiff and don’t fit either my bust, my hips, or both. I don’t mind leaving a button or two undone at the bottom or tying occasionally in front but I don’t want to feel like it just doesn’t fit. After COVID and having a little one, I’m also just not into stiff casual clothes anymore. I used to get Uniqlo flannel shirts when I was younger and cooler and thinner but not sure if they’re still the best choice for me. Any recs appreciated!
C2
LL Bean or Lands End usually have a selection. The more you wash and wear, the softer they get. I used to be a big flannel shirt gal, but I’ve gone over to mock neck long-sleeve shirts under a flannel shacket lately.
Anon
+1 I’ve had a LL Bean flannel for like 5 or 6 years. It’s very soft and great quality.
Anonymous
I buy my flannel second hand, and from the men’s department.
Already broken in and slightly oversized to fit all the curves, lol.
Senior Attorney
I love Rails flannel shirts. Nordstrom carries them and they are often marked down.
Anon
I like free swinging flannels from Duluth Trading, although they have a few different cuts. They’re not as boxy as some other brands.
CrowTRobot
I love Rails. Kind of expensive, but I get them on Poshmark.
Smokey
I like the flannel shirts from J Jill because they tend to run on the longer side.
Anon
Just finished the new near-1,000 page Cormoran Strike novel in three days and wished it were longer. God, I love when you get a real pageturner. What else have you all read lately that you couldn’t put down?
anon.
Bad Summer People by Emma Rosenblum
Anon
That was fun!
Vicky Austin
I’m kind of in a rut right now, but I did read After You’d Gone by Maggie O’Farrell (her debut from way back in 2000) and it was just as good as O’Farrell usually is, incredibly, so highly recommend for her fans.
Anon
Ugh, I might be the only one, but I HATED her book Hamnet. Put me off from every trying any of her other books…
Anon
I wouldn’t say I hated it, but I didn’t really like Hamnet and I LOVE her other books. Worth a try of one of the other ones, I think. Maybe her memoir I Am, I Am, I Am, since that’s quite different than her fiction.
anoncat
Also thought Hamnet was super overrated
Anon
Bright Young Women by Jessica Knoll.
anon
The Covenant of Water – it is very very long but beautifully written and I read it all in one sitting because I could not put it down.
Anon
Yes yes yes to Covenant of Water! I read over 100 books a year and this looks like it will be my fav for 2023.
Nesprin
A psalm for the wild built.
Lovely speculative science fiction that somehow kept me up to 2 am.
Anon
Thanks for these recs! I just placed library holds with Libby. All have months long wait times.
Anon
The Whisper by Ashley Audrain, Prom Mom by Laura Lippman and The Husbands by Chandler Baker.
anoncat
I’m about 20% of the way through! The Strike novels are nowhere as compelling as HP imo, but they’re definitely easy to read. Good to hear you enjoyed it!
Anon
The Premonition by Michael Lewis. The concept of malignant obedience is disturbing true.
Anon
All of the books by Jane Harper.
Baltimore
Husband and I would like to take a last minute trip next weekend from the northeast (NY area) and we’re thinking of going to Baltimore . Any recommendations on a nice place to stay and have dinner? We’ve never been.
Open to other locations too. Looking at 1-2 nights.
Anon
Annapolis MD or Portland ME.
NYCer
Any particular reason you want to go to Baltimore? I personally think there are other more interesting cities that are easy to get to from the NY area for a weekend… Boston, DC, Philly, Newport, Annapolis, Hudson Valley or Catskills all come to mind. I had friends who used to live in Baltimore, so I have been there a few times to visit them, but I personally do not think it is a big draw if you don’t have a particular reason to be there.
Anon
I’ve visited all of these except Philly and have the fondest memories of Baltimore.
Anonymous
Why on earth would you go to Baltimore? It’s not very nice and there’s little to see. I’d go to Annapolis over Baltimore if you’re intent on that area.
NYNY
I like to travel to cities with interesting history and active arts and restaurant scenes, so Baltimore sounds like a great weekend trip and Annapolis sounds awful. Everyone has their own preferences.
Anon
The Orioles are having a great year and heading to the postseason. The National Aquarium is an amazing place to spend the day. There’s a ton of history, a major symphony orchestra and major university. There’s loads to see and do.
Anon
I’m from the west coast and have always loved visiting Baltimore. Just like any city it has good parts and bad parts. I don’t know why you’d write off an entire city like that but it makes you seem ignorant to me.
Anonymous
Look, I’m the one who asked why and suggested Annapolis and just want to say, I’m not ignorant – I’ve literally been to Baltimore over 15 times over the years to visit friends and family there and it’s just not interesting. The aquarium is nice, but without contacts there, I see nothing interesting about the city. I too love exploring new places, but B-more ain’t it.
Anon
+1
Trixie
Perhaps you could be more kind in your reply?
test run
To stay: sagamore pendry, canopy by hilton, admiral fell inn if you like a historic vibe, the indigo if you want something a little less $$$
To eat: 1157 bar and kitchen, clavel, helmand, woodberry kitchen
To do: american visionary arts museum, the aquarium (I’m not normally into aquariums/zoo, but this one is quite impressive), and the baltimore museum of art is surprisingly nice
test run
Since everyone is asking “why would you go to Baltimore?” I want to add that I don’t live there, I just travel there a couple times a year for work and I think it’s a totally fun place to go for a quick 1-2 night trip. But I’ve also been to Annapolis for a weekend and found it pretty boring (no shade to Annapolis, I would also not recommend where I live as a weekend destination)? So clearly everyone looks for something different.
Anonymous
I haven’t been to Baltimore in 15+ years so no recs, but I used to go there for work and visited a few times as kid (for the aquarium) and in college and always had fun there. I always think there’s merit in visiting a place you’ve never been, just to get a sense of the place. I find that much more interesting than going back to the same old places over and over again.
Anon
Agreed – Annapolis is definitely charming but I thought it was a little boring. The museums in Baltimore are great – in addition to the ones test run mentioned, definitely visit the Walters.
Anonymous
Yes, the Walters is great (and free). The Baltimore Symphony Orchestra is also very good and has a performance on Saturday night. I know you’re from the NY metro area, but one of the best things about Baltimore is how accessible the arts are, both financially and logistically.
Cat
I haven’t been to Baltimore for 5+ years but still remember the amazing dinner I had at Woodberry Kitchen!
I think Annapolis is cute for like, having a nice brunch outside by the water and then leaving, not spending multiple nights. YMMV if you want to pick up a midshipman ;)
Anonymous
There’s a bar across the street from Admiral Fell Inn that has the best selection of Belgian beers on the east coast, if that’s your thing. They have something like 200 taps.
Anon
Omg I needed to know this last month
Anon
Hi can we be friends? This would be my list too, and I looove 1157. Used to live right around the corner from it, a seriously underrated gem.
Anon
+100 to the Visionary Art Museum. Love that place.
Anon100
Plenty of things to see/do, assuming you are driving or will take uber:
– American Visionary Art Museum (not free but very cool)
– National Aquarium (pricey but very worth it)
– Maryland Zoo (not free, but has penguins and giraffes, which the National Zoo in DC does not have)
– Fells Point is nice place to browse
– Bromo Seltzer Arts Tower, open every Saturday
– Walters Art Museum (free)
– drop by the George Peabody Library across the Walters Art Museum on Sunday
– Farmers Market under I-83 on Sunday mornings
– Annapolis is a nice day trip from Baltimore, and there are things to do there if you like sailing.
Agree with Helmand for food, but if you want casual dining there’s several markets like Lexington Market and Broadway Market in Fells around town. Pitango Gelato and Bakery is also a good place to drop by.
Smokey.
Absolutely agree with the recommendations for The Visionary Arts Museum, The Walters, and The BMA. All are excellent museums. Our favorite restaurants are La Cuchara, Petite Louis, and Sotta Soppra. Or Charleston if you want to splurge. Suggest staying at The Sagamore Pendry or Henderson’s Wharf in Fells Point, or the Marriott at Harbor East (not Inner Harbor). Harbor East is the up and coming swanky area with lots of fancy restaurants and stores.
Anonymous
Baltimore is great! Visit the National Aquarium, ride a water taxi around the harbor. Bygone rooftop restaurant amazing. It’s at the top of the Four Seasons hotel. Marriot Waterfront is a nice hotel where we always stay. Hard Rock Cafe is fun too. It’s great for a day or two. Annapolis is also nice. The Naval Academy tour is worth the trip alone.
Runcible Spoon
Definitely try to catch an Orioles game, if they are still in the season. The Camden Yards Orioles Park is terrific, and don’t miss out on Boog’s BBQ!
Anonymous
Does anyone have a heat pump? Particularly interested if you are in MA and did any of the loan/credit things from MA saves. Pros or cons you have experienced?
anon
Not in MA, but I love my reversible heat pump that provides a/c and heat to my ADU. It’s a million times quieter and nicer than my furnace and A/C system that use forced air in my main structure. It heats/cools a quarter of the space of my house, but uses way less than a quarter of the electricity my air conditioner uses.
Anon2
I have a heat pump in CT, so I’m unsure of the programs avail in MA. But from a functionality standpoint, I love it! It heats well, provides AC, and I noticed just a small-moderate bump in my electric during the winter (it’s more efficient at AC so there’s barely any change in the summer).
We still have our oil radiator system because it came with the house and we need it for the second floor (we installed the heat pump and first floor HVAC), but I fully intend that one oil tank fill will last us the year, which is a significant savings (used for second floor heat and water heater).
Someday the dream is to HVAC the second floor and basement in the same way, but we will keep the radiators in case it gets frigid. The heat pump works in pretty low temps, but since last winter was mild we didn’t put it to the full test
All Pros no Cons
did it through MassSaves and it was a great, streamlined process. I went through Dedham company MacFarlane Energy and they were a great crew, efficient, and I LOVED my mini splits. my 0% interest loan went through cleanly and it was easy to pay off.
anon
I live in MA. Anecdotally from NextDoor, some people in my neighborhood switched their homes over entirely to heat pumps and reported monthly electricity bills in the $900-$1,400 range last winter. I would investigate your estimated electricity usage for your square footage to see if it makes sense.
Anonymous
I’m in MA and we have one, but we also have our gas fired furnace as well. We did an addition and added mini splits /heat pumps at the same time.
I love them but they shouldn’t be your only heat source up here. I’ve heard the tech gets better all the time but it gets chilly enough here that it is pricy to run them in the depths of winter.
Anon
Go through Mass Saves and investigate the 0% interest HEAT loan. We had a good experience. Make sure your installer is local and really understands cold weather systems and how to size them.
Anon
although the real value of HPs up here is replacing AC so keep that in mind!
I am in the business and I tell people to wait until their furnace or AC dies and then get a HP.
Anonymous
Screaming into the void here, but I’m so annoyed with people who will not stay home when they’re sick. Hasn’t the pandemic taught us anything??? One of my colleagues has three small children who are back in daycare/school, and the family just came back from visiting relatives a flight away. She has had a horrible cough since she came back. I was sitting next to her in a meeting last week and she laughed off her cough as “just allergies” – no, allergies are the sniffles not a phlegmy near-constant cough. Today she still has the cough. Our office is very strongly encouraging everyone to come back. I get it, she’s already in the crosshairs because she stayed home (“wfh” but not really working) with her kids most of the summer, she feels like she can’t continue to stay home. But everyone heard you coughing we believe you that you’re sick please stay away!
Anon
Could not agree more. I’m so over it.
Anon
Agreed. My work has UNLIMITED sick leave and people still come into the office sick.
Anon
I was on this train long before the pandemic. I’m one of those people who was blessed with unusually good health, and if something knocks me down, it will wallop someone older, sicker, or more frail than I am. I would rather spend a day at home than have a colleague spend a day in the hospital.
Anon
Thank you for being on the train.
anon
I’m totally on team stay home when sick and will scream with you. That said…
To be fair, coughs can linger for many weeks beyond the most infectious period. However, I don’t see why this person can’t pop on a KN95, N95, or other high filtration mask while in the office with a concerning cough. It shows consideration for other people and is pretty trivial versus getting your colleagues sick/putting them in fear of getting sick.
Runcible Spoon
Yes, I’m hoping our collective experience during the COVID-19 situation will lead to at least some folks retaining the habit of wearing a face mask whenever it is indicated. They’ve been doing this in Asia forever, and my personal anecdotal experience was to be free of colds for three years — masks work!
Anon
I don’t disagree with your basic point, but disagree that allergies are “just the sniffles.” I can sound really bad when I have allergies. Also by the time someone is at the coughing stage of a respiratory infection, they’re generally not that contagious. You’re most contagious early in the course of the illness when you’re sneezing and have a runny nose. If you’re worried about being infected, a runny nose is actually much more worrisome than a cough. Coughs normally linger way past the point of contagiousness. Having a cough for several weeks even after a minor cold is not unheard of but there’s no way you’re contagious that whole time.
Anon
This.
Anon
The problem with everyone in my office is that they will claim it’s allergies and then two days later it’s clear it wasn’t (we’ve had people then go out with flu, Covid, and nasty colds – or their cube neighbors do). It’s not always allergies.
No Problem
Of course it’s not always allergies, but sometimes it feels like allergies for awhile before it’s clear it’s actually something else. Usually it’s clear to me within a few hours, but that’s not always the case. What would you like those of us with allergies to do? I get seasonal allergies pretty bad every spring for about two months and again in late summer/early for for a month or two. I dose up on allergy meds but those don’t prevent every symptom. Should I stay home the whole time, in case my sniffle or cough that day turn out to be a cold? What about people who have year-round allergies (dust, dander, etc.). Should they just permanently wfh?
Anon
I think a good middle ground would be to take an at home Covid test if you suddenly get allergy symptoms during a local surge. It’s been really frustrating to have several colleagues say it’s just allergies and then three days later it was in fact Covid. In at least two cases, they had known exposures.
Anon
I don’t get sudden allergies (like I hack up phlegm all year long throughout the day and it is vile), but I do agree with testing when things seem to change, especially during a surge, after travel, or after you’ve had someone close to you or that you live with have it near you. DH had COVID last month and I tested every third day and daily prior to a work trip and then after. I was never positive and never had a fever. I am just a hot mess and need to find a Victorian doctor to send me to the seaside to live out my days.
No Problem
Ok, but my experience with covid testing is that I don’t pop positive until I’ve been symptomatic for multiple days and unequivocally do not have allergies. I am not an outlier in this regard – nearly everyone I know has reported similar delays in testing positive. Also covid isn’t the only infectious agent out there – and arguably it’s not even among the worst of them since for most people it’s an upper respiratory infection and only causes cold-like symptoms. It’s just one that we happen to have at-home tests for. Just ask anyone with kids in daycare; there are lots and lots of bugs out there that are circulating at the same time as local covid surges that will make you and your kids at least as sick as covid but we don’t know what any of them are because we don’t have convenient at-home tests for them.
Anonymous
Everyone I know who has allergies can tell the difference between allergies and illness.
Anon
Anon at 1:34, when I had Covid this year (first time) it was indistinguishable from allergies for me. I never ran a fever or lost smell or taste or other things that clearly wouldn’t be allergies. Fortunately I tested positive on my first day of symptoms so I didn’t spread it around but I do think it’s possible to think Covid is allergies and even if you’re testing regularly you may not get a positive test right away.
Anon
Yeah, I get that and am not disagreeing that people should be more careful before dismissing new symptoms as “Just allergies.” But there are a lot of people like me who do suffer from bad allergies and it’s not just the sniffles and we can’t just never leave the house.
Anon
This.
No Problem
FWIW, allergies can absolutely cause cough. I’ve had periods of my life where my daily Zyrtec mostly takes care of my sniffles but does not address the asthma-y cough. I have needed to use asthma inhalers to address it. I’m not saying she definitely has allergies and doesn’t have a cold, but coughing can definitely be allergies.
It sounds like she’s in a pretty difficult spot if she is in fact sick, since the company is now insisting on people returning to the office and she feels she’s in the crosshairs.
I will say that the pandemic made me feel rather vindicated for all the times I used to work from home when I had a nasty cold (sneezing and coughing everywhere) and didn’t feel like trekking into the office or possibly spreading it to others even when I wasn’t all that sick.
Anon
I mostly agree with this, precisely because I’m one of those people who has always gotten very sick from even a simple cold, so I hate it when people infect me. But I have cough variant asthma, and that simple cold leaves me with weeks to months of coughing, as does air pollution, smokers, perfume, and all kinds of other triggers (cold air, exercise, etc.). If I stayed home every time I had a cough, I’d literally never leave the house! I’ve seen a lot of doctors and tried a lot of meds, and nothing has ever completely gotten rid of it, though moving to an area with better air quality and avoiding getting sick because of WFH has helped a lot. But a post-infectious cough is a real thing for a lot of people.
Anonymous
Exact same situation here. When you come into the office sick, you leave me with a non-contagious cough for the next several months.
Anon
My mom was a public school teacher. She screamed this into the void her entire career. It’s frustrating for sure. I remember the Great Flu Epidemic of 2016…literally everyone on my floor came down with the flu, one by one, because someone brought it inside. I remember showing up to work feeling fine midway through this “epidemic”, and I ended up at the urgent care at lunch with a 103.4 fever.
Anon
Allergies are like that for me. Years of allergy shots and multiple sinus surgeries and daily sinus rinsing have not rid me of coughing or phlegm. It’s normal *for me* and if I had something not normal for me (e.g., fever), I’d change course.
Anon
Look we talk about whether a ponytail or a water bottle is professional here, but I am just going to say that hacking up a lung with an audibly mucus-y cough in a work meeting is about as unprofessional as you can get.
For god sake, call into the meeting.
Anon
+10000. Modern technology exists. Use it.
Anon
Well, I guess you are saying that I am unprofessional because my degenerative lung disease means that I will be coughing every day for the remainder of my life.
Vicky Austin
I think you know full well that you’re not the intended audience of that comment.
Anon
+1000, this reminds me of a tiktok I saw about people recently making things about them that are clearly not about them. Like a tiktok about bean soup with people commenting “but I don’t like beans, what can I use instead of beans????” Ma’am. If you don’t like beans. This recipe is not for you. Keep scrolling. Same situation here. Use some common sense.
Anon
I disagree, and I don’t think the beans is a good analogy. The person she’s replying to is saying coughing in meetings unprofessional. The point that some people have chronic coughs that aren’t contagious is a very valid one. It’s hard enough to have a chronic illness without the stigma that you’re being irresponsible or unprofessional for appearing sick in a meeting.
Anon
With respect for your disease, you know that is not what is going on in OP’s example.
Anon
I hear you — I am a phlegmy person who is not in fact currently ill (just gunky, with the ENT and allergist to back me up). But you’d think I’m Typhoid Mary from the looks I get. Do I need to get this tattooed on my head? You don’t mean me, either, IRL, but you’ll treat me like you do mean exactly me.
Anon
Do people actually sit near her in meetings? I would be either: (1) leaving the room and Zooming in, or (2) if I were forced (digression: can my employer force me to become sick?), I would wear an N95, ask her to wear one (drawing a clean, wrapped one from my bag for her) and sit way on the other side of the room. Would I look like I was shunning a work colleague? Yes. Would I care? No.
Anon
I can commiserate. My boss came into the office 4 days last week while sick as a dog but justified it by saying he tested negative for Covid. That’s great, but I don’t want to catch whatever other nasty cold or flu you have either. Why bother coming in?!? If I get sick, chances are it will be a domino effect of everyone in my family getting sick consecutively, which is hugely disruptive. If you’re sick (Covid or not) stay home!!
Anon
All colds go to my chest and I used to smoke. When I smoked, I would cough for three weeks. Lingering coughs are not the same as an active cold although she should probably mask up.
NYNY
Does anyone have suggestions for a good raincoat that doesn’t suggest that I like to go camping? I know there are big fans of the Eddie Bauer girl on the go trench here, but I dislike the visible sleeve logos. Looking for something with a hood, length below the butt, no colorblocking or logos. I feel like this must exist but I’m not finding much.
Anon
I’ve worn a knee length coat with a hood from LL Bean for like…8 or 9 years. I don’t think it looks like camping!
Anon
I think this is the current model:
https://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/82668?page=h2off-raincoat-mesh-lined&bc=516567-610-506593&feat=506593-GN3&csp=f&pos=8
Anon
Not OP, but is the one you have lined at all and how warm is it? Have you ever tried the pimaloft lined one? I’m always struggling in the late-fall- 40s-and-maybe-raining days when I’m not quite ready to put on my giant winter coat.
Anonymous
If you’re open to a trench, I have one from London Fog with a removable hood that has done really well in the rain.
anon.
I have the North Face City Breeze Rain Trench. I don’t think they make this exact model anymore but it’s a workhorse.
NYCer
I have a rain jacket from Athleta that seems to fit your requirements. Mine is several years old, so I don’t see my exact jacket on their website, but the Rainout Sutro Trench looks like a fine option. There may be others too.
Annony
If I didn’t live in LA, I would buy a raincoat from Stutterheim.
Everlane has an anorak that looks nice, too.
Anonymous
Lululemon Rain Rebel. There is a tiny logo but it’s the same color as the jacket and it’s not noticeable. It nips in nicely at the waist and is long enough to keep the tops of your legs dry.
AnoNL
I have just bought a black Didriksons waterproof long parka. Horizontal rain in the Netherlands is a thing. I went for uninsulated one to suit the local climate, but they have plenty options.
I already tested it and was impressed by the water repelling effect. The hood is large and stays up against heavy wind, too.
It cost approx 140€, but zero regrets.
Runcible Spoon
How about this hooded trench coat from J Crew, which is on sale right now (cute color!): https://www.jcrew.com/p/womens/categories/clothing/coats-and-jackets/trench-coat/new-icon-trench/BF456?display=all&fit=Classic&color_name=utility-green&colorProductCode=BF456
Anon
I’m currently receiving unemployment. It was a messy separation. Insurance is now gone, but I never received information about cobra after over ten years. I really don’t want to contact the company. I’m going to look at the marketplace. Is there any other way to get information about cobra, to compare to marketplace offerings, without calling past employer?
Anon
You’d have to contact the HR department about COBRA. If you’re within a certain time frame, it can be retroactive.
I have my insurance through the marketplace and it was about the same prices as COBRA for my two kids and me vs COBRA for just me – same coverage too.
Anonymous
No. You need a cobra notice from the company to get cobra.
Wildkitten
Congratulations! Separating from employment is always stressful, but separating from an employer you don’t even want to contact to receive government-mandated and standardized information is a huge relief, even if it doesn’t yet feel like it. I am so glad you are free of them. That said, it should be standardized information, and usually it’s automatically mailed from a third-party benefits administration with no commentary from your HR.
Generalizations: COBRA is often expensive AF and rarely worth it if all you want is insurance coverage. There are plenty of specific situations in which it is worth it – if you’re under care and have an assembled care team. Unless you’re in specific circumstances, healthcare.gov can probably be tailored to your needs for cheaper. I am rooting for you.
Anon
First, is your employer big enough (20 or more FTEs, roughly) to be subject to COBRA?
Second, if your severance was for “gross misconduct,” which is a very high standard, they do not have to provide COBRA even if they are subject to it.
Unless your employer is large enough to have an outside vendor managing COBRA (check your plan booklet, if you still have one), contacting your employer is your best option. You may also be able to contact their insurer and get them to prompt your COBRA notice from the employer.
But if you can enroll in Marketplace coverage, it is almost certainly cheaper than your employer-provided coverage at the full COBRA premium, which is probably close to $1,000. The coverage is probably worse through a marketplace plan, though.
If it makes you feel better, if your COBRA notice is late, and you complain to the DOL or sue, your employer can be assessed significant penalties.
Anon
Thank you for the thoughts. It is a large school district and there was no misconduct. Just a new boss with new direction, always distinguished evaluations to wants nothing to do with you. It really was for the best, to be let go. Thankfully, no medical needs. Based on feedback, it sounds like the marketplace will probably be best.
And if anybody else has been through something similar, a great book is: Involuntary Exit. It has really helped me to process.
Now, positive thoughts for a new job. :)
Wildkitten
Thanks for the book recommendation! I’m adding it to my gift list <3
Anon
I recently compared COBRA to gold and silver marketplace plans. A key factor is the deductible on most marketplace plans was triple (like $17-18k) compared to COBRA. Something to keep in mind if you regularly hit your annual deductible.
Wildkitten
TBH I forget what time new posts go up so I might repost….
What do we wear to interviews now? It’s a government lawyer job in the midwest but an in-person interview so I can’t get away with lululemon bottoms and a suit jacket on zoom. I don’t know if my pre-pandemic skirt-suit still fits (I’m down to only owning one), and it’s definitely not what makes me feel comfortable and confident.
I have the same question about what we wear on first dates now but that’s differently urgent.
Anon
The real question is: what *does* make you feel comfortable and confident?
Once you have figured that piece out, figure out what your current size is and buy online or hit the local mall.
No Problem
A suit, or if you don’t have a suit, suit-like pants or skirt and coordinating jacket with blouse or very nice looking t-shirt underneath. It should all either be utterly fantastic or utterly forgettable.
Cat
Still suits, for lawyer jobs. You don’t need a skirt suit, though, you can do pants or a coordinating sheath.
anon
+1. Suit is the appropriate choice. Get a new one if you don’t feel confident in your old one – you will probably end up in a situation where you may need a suit anyway if you get the job. Signed, Midwest gov’t attorney.
Wildkitten
Ugh. Good point. I haven’t had a job (or interview!) that required a full suit in years, but you’re right I should have one that works for me ready to go in my closet anyway.
Runcible Spoon
For a government lawyer job interview, you can wear a sleeveless sheath dress (like a ponte knit), or really any nice solid color dress, with a nice jacket or even jardigan (if it looks impeccable). You also can wear black tights with black sensible heeled shoes (e.g., pumps). Nobody can object. Good luck!
Anonymous
A suit. How is this a question?
help with script?
Pre-COVID my husband was the victim of a violent mugging. Physically, he’s ok now. His mental state is another can of worms. About 6 months ago I was able to push him to see a therapist, who, after working with him, believes he has PTSD. Without going into details, I find the therapist’s diagnosis extremely believable. We have largely been accommodating his symptoms. At this point, however, I need to ask my husband to seek serious treatment for his PTSD. I don’t want to keep structuring my life and our child’s life around his symptoms but would like him to treat them instead. Where I’m struggling is that I would like to use a phrase different from “accommodating your symptoms” or just saying “everyone shouldn’t have to fit their lives around your symptoms”. I think it’s important to keep the conversation as loving as possible since I’m telling him I need him to make major changes. Any ideas?
Anon
Is there a reason the therapist is not suggesting PTSD treatment? If it is because the therapist is not skilled in that, the therapist can provide a recommendation/referral.
Anon
I would make it about him, not about you. So don’t talk about what a burden it is to have fit your life around his symptoms, but how much better HIS life could be if he wasn’t hurting so much. And then maybe could get to how your lives together would also be better.
a
Yes, and I think saying what you’ve said here directly is great : I think you should get treatment for PTSD. And explore resources for family members of those with PTSD for you and your kid.
Anon for this
I think you should get more intensive treatment for your PTSD. I can see the way it’s impacting our family, and I also see that it’s holding you back from living the life I know you want.
I want to support you in this – what can we do together to move the situation forward.
FWIW – after a major trauma, my husband found me a therapist who specialized in trauma, made the appointment, drove me to the appointment, sat there and held my hand, and I can genuinely say I wouldn’t be okay if not for him and not for this. He had heard something about EMDR from other combat veterans and didn’t understand it but knew it was something the therapist offered and I am so so thankful.
Vicky Austin
“I need you to change the ways this is affecting our family life”?
Elsie
Yes, and maybe, that you’re worried about how it is impacting his relationship with your child.
anonymous
This will be a difficult conversation, but your husband needs to understand that the vast majority of “violent crimes” are the direct result of a racist, tr*nsphobic, misogynist system(s) in our country that he’s benefitted from and helped perpetuate. He needs to DO THE WORK himself to get over what I’m sure was a frightening event. But when taken in context, he’s far from the victim.
joan wilder
Huh? What in the world?
Anon
Don’t feed the troll
Anon
Are you kidding me?
Anonymous
No. Just no. Meeting angry prejudice by lobbing back more angry prejudice? Honestly, it’s truly gross when this is your response to someone dealing with PTSD, whether the individual is male or female, adult or child, etc. Statistics on frequency also don’t make any victim less of a victim of violent crime, just like me having my type of cancer at a younger age than the majority of people doesn’t make me any less of a cancer patient.
anon
This is a ridiculous take. OP, please ignore this person.
Anonymous
It would be really awkward for you if OP’s husband wasn’t white…
anon
Um, okay, thanks for the lack of sensitivity.
Anon
lol ok sure
Anonymous
Are you 1) assuming that he is white and 2) saying he deserved to be attacked?!?
Anon
This is probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever read here.
anon
The sad thing is I know multiple people in real life who take this stance. OP, please ignore this nonsense.
Anon
What.
Wildkitten
That’s awful and I’m so sorry that was done to your husband, and your entire family. First, are you in family therapy? If not, that would be a great addition and might be a helpful space to have conversations like that. Are you in individual therapy for yourself? Is your kid in individual therapy for themself?
I think you’re right that framing it as about you isn’t the best approach – if it sucks for you, it probably sucks even worse to be your husband right now. But, you know what it is that got him into his current therapy and how he feels about it, which is good data for what might encourage him to get even more help.
They have more intensive therapies for PTSD – intensive outpatient, group therapy, PTSD-specific therapy, CBT, DBT, EMDR. Can you say “What was done to you is so awful and we are so glad you are getting help. Now that you have a diagnosis, I looked up other things that can be helpful. Do you want to look at these other options? How can I support you?”
Being traumatized won’t go away just because it’s super inconvenient, so I think more treatment is definitely the right strategy. PTSD specific intensive outpatient sounds ideal for this situation if he’d be willing to do it.
Anon
I’m so sorry he experienced this. I’m glad he is starting to see a therapist about PTSD. I’m not sure what you mean by symptoms (it sounds like you don’t mean something like waking up with nightmares or having panic attacks?). If you mean something like “choosing to take precautions that you feel are out of proportion to risks,” won’t that be part of the therapy? I think he needs to recover from the trauma before he can feel safe to make different choices? If he’s trying to control your choices in ways that don’t affect him, maybe that’s a different conversation. I do think it would be easy to come across as fed up, controlling, and pathologizing as opposed to loving if it’s like, see, the therapist agrees you’re traumatized and unreasonable, so now it’s time to cut it out. That’s different from “I’m glad you’re working on this, and in the meantime, I am going to do X, Y, Z differently where X, Y, Z don’t directly affect you” (if that applies).
Anonymous
In addition to what the others have said, I’m going to suggest getting some help for yourself and your child in dealing with this, if you haven’t done it already.
Trauma permanently rewires your brain, so as much as you would like this to all go away with treatment the reality is that your husband -and by extension you and your child- will be dealing with this for the rest of his life.
Anon
I’m so sorry this happened to him and to your family, that sounds really hard. I think you can say something similar to what you’ve shared – something along the lines of: “I know the last few years have been extremely challenging for you and I want to continue doing what I can to support you. At the same time, we need to start finding solutions that work for the whole family. I think the most helpful next step is more serious treatment. I love you and want to see you continue to heal and will support you through that…” someone else will probably share something more eloquent, but I think the main framing should be around finding solutions that work for the whole family.
anon
Sorry you are going through this. This conversation is probably best facilitated by a therapist. If you aren’t already going, consider it as the whole event and modulating your reactions is also a strain on you. There is lots of science around treating PTSD. Anecdotally, in my experience from working with veterans organizations, guys respond best to treatments that work on fixing triggers rather than feelings. This is why EMDR and other similar modalities are so popular, and talk therapy alone isn’t always the greatest. When it works, “serious treatment” can be as little as 8-10 session, not a whole inpatient thing.
Peaches
+1 to EMDR. It felt very different from the CBT/talk therapy I’ve done in the past and I had pretty good results from it.
anon
I’m sorry. This internet stranger is impressed you got him into therapy.
I find showing to be more effective than telling. You don’t say what the accommodations are, but I would scale them back so that he can see how much help is being given. He can’t realize he’s using a crutch, so to speak, if he never has to walk without it. If you’ve been tip toeing around in the morning because he sleeps in until noon after being up all night with nightmares, stop doing that. If he doesn’t want to go to public events, go without him. If it’s really bad, consider visiting your parents for a few weeks with your child to see how he manages without you. Don’t explain, don’t discuss, just go ahead and make the decision.
If this sounds like solo parenting and moving to a trial separation, you’re already doing that just while living under the same roof. It can’t be any harder than the last four years have been.
Anon
Ymmv, but I think this is really bad advice. My husband and I are a team, and if he was really struggling and it was affecting our family, we would be having conversations about it. Leaving for a few weeks with no explanation seems more likely to make a bad situation or frayed relationship much worse unless you have exhausted literally all other methods, which it sounds like OP has not as she’s looking for tips on how to have the conversation.
OP
Thank you all for your thoughts and kind words. The advice to speak to him about how much happier he can be sounded true to me and I will do it. I think we’re lucky that he’s not having night terrors and so on. He’s just really withdrawn from society and can’t trust anyone. Our kid is 5 and he doesn’t feel comfortable with any babysitter. He doesn’t want people to visit at our house. We went to Paris on our honeymoon and now he won’t get on a plane. I’m going to stop doing so much accommodation and ask him to discuss EMDR, etc with his therapist. I don’t want to live my life like this and would like my kid to have a childhood with vacations and playdates.
Anon
I think this is a great approach. You can’t be a part of his disorder. Obviously be respectful (which it sounds like you are!) but it’s not fair of him to expect your life to close in as well.
I say this as a person who has PTSD! When I’m having a bad flare up, I want my partner to go out and live his life because it honestly makes mine worse to spiral to someone else. I’ve talked to him about how best to help me, too. You might try that with your husband, especially after he starts treatment specifically for the PTSD. My partner will reassure me of his love and will be there for me, but he won’t engage in my compulsions (like googling symptoms or hyper fixating on areas of my body I think are diseased).
As for treatment— I had tremendous luck with DBT style prolonged exposure therapy. It is so hard to do because you have to relive the event over the course of several weeks, but it was transformative for me. You tell the story out loud over and over and employ mindfulness techniques to help with discomfort during the experience (so it’s not exposure therapy like he’d be exposed to a fake mugging or something). EMDR is also very promising and I know a lot of people have success with it. I just didn’t try it because my therapist wasn’t trained in it, and I just really couldn’t bear telling my experience to another person.
I also recommend the book “The Body Keeps the Score” at least for you. It has a lot of triggering stories in it, so some PTSD sufferers don’t like it. Though I did because it made me feel less alone. But I do think it could be helpful to loved ones to really understand how this kind of trauma reshapes the brain.
OP
Thank you for sharing your experience and the book recommendation.
Anon
Has anyone seen any good wedding guest dresses lately, or feel like doing some vicarious shopping? Attending an outdoor wedding a few weeks in NJ. I’m postpartum (although not very recently postpartum) and now apple shaped, so nothing fits. I’m about a size 10 and not looking for anything specific other than trying not to look pregnant.
Anonymous
Sounds like it will be chilly – so time for a fancy coat! Honestly, I’d check out Rent-the-Runway’s clearance and get something splashy but heavily discounted (to keep cost per wear down). They have 50% off now with a code. It’s final sale though. Here are a few that might pass muster at an outdoor cocktail hour.
Love the neckline on this: https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/teija/grey_shawl_collar_wool_coat
Would you try a cape: https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/teija/grey_shawl_collar_wool_coat
The most versatile of the lot. Would make a nice up-and-down line over a solid dress. I actually almost bought this one don’t live in the right climate: https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/aldomartins/geo_printed_fringe_coat
Anon
I’ve been doing online shopping for similar. Is the whole party outside or just the ceremony? For cocktail dresses, I found looking at the sale section on the Saks website was pretty good. The return period is fast! So don’t miss it. Nordstrom seemed to have some good selection as well – the Kay Unger and JS collection intrigued me. I filter by size, then scroll from low to high till I hit my limit.
Anon
Tuckernuck!