Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Bryant Cardigan

419 Comments

1. If the worst happens and Trump is elected, Harris will be in a tough situation. She can certify the election that knowing he will destroy democracy or refuse to certify and destroy democracy by refusing to certify a democratic election.

   1. if trump is democratically elected, even if he is a facist dictator, then the election is valid and Harris will certainly accept that.

   2. Can we not with the catastrophizing? Her duty to all of us would be to certify the election. End of discussion.

      1. Thank you.

         1. +1

      2. Seriously. This election is anxiety-producing enough. We don’t need to be fanning the flames.

      3. And there’s no indication whatsoever that she would refuse to certify, or even consider it. Harris respects the law.

      4. +1. There is a branch of liberalism that has practically turned into a doomsday cult, and they are very active on here.

         1. Maybe they can buy arms, build bunkers, and have their own doomsday reality tv show with the far right…

   3. This is no choosing to certify or not certify because of the views of your opponent.

      The scenario I’m more concerns about is that she wins and we have Jan 6 issues in terms of violent protests across the country. The language used at that rally on the weekend was disturbing.

      1. I agree it’s incredibly concerning but think we can’t do anything differently because of those reactions. We have to move forward and justice must be served on anyone who violates the law in that way. Of course accomplishing that is hard.

   4. No? Why act like she wouldn’t do her job?

   5. No she won’t. She will certify the election if he wins and I don’t think it will be a decision. It will be doing her job and respecting the will of the voters and our democracy.

   6. any guesses on what was the “little secret” Trump was hinting at at the MSG event? was he talking to Johnson?
      https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/maddowblog/little-secret-trump-speaker-johnson-matters-rcna177574

      1. I doubt even he knows what it is.

      2. Idk maybe he’s got a pocket full of sunshine maybe there’s a gnome down his pants maybe he saw a pumpkin and recognized it as kin.

      3. I’m betting on him trying to push it to the House for a vote.

2. i find this sort of cardigan hard to wear. too deep a v.

   1. You should have seen us in the 80s!

      1. Just wear it backwards!

   2. Very Alan Thicke.

      I’m a no.

   3. Ahem. It is Very Much For Me.

3. Is your spouse a yeller? I’ve made an appointment with a therapist for this week to help me sort this out, but would love some crowdsourced thoughts.

   90% of the time, DH and I have a pretty peaceful, easygoing relationship. Our kids are amazing, we have a great circle of friends, etc. But he can have a short fuse and yells when he’s angry – not just in a raised voice sort of way (like kids get in the car!!!) but in a yelling AT me kind of way. Often it’ll then be a day or two of not exactly silent treatment, but very clipped short necessary communication and then he’ll pretend like nothing ever happened. He doesn’t yell at our kids.

   I’m starting to realize how much I manage around his anger and how it’s made our relationship more superficial. I just dont talk to him about a lot of things anymore because it’s not worth it. Like my firm changed a bonus structure and I didnt get a small bonus that I thought I was eligible for. He goes off the rails on how they shouldn’t be allowed to do that and I have to talk to my boss and it’s outrageous. But it’s eye roll inducing because I can’t do that if I want to have a job. So I just don’t bring a lot of things up, even though it would be nice to have a spouse where I can discuss and process things.

   I had this aha moment during our most recent argument, where he was saying that I don’t listen to him or hear what he’s saying, and I was basically like I cannot process your message when you’re yelling at me. And then he tried to make it like I was overly sensitive and plenty of couples yell and I was prioritizing my preference over his. And it felt crazy like I think I should be able to insist on not being screamed at?

   Probably a good thing I’m seeing a therapist soon, but help?

   1. This would be divorce worthy for me.

      1. Same. I’ve posted before about how it is VITAL to me to live in what I call a “warm household” – no yelling, no silent treatment, no punishments for disagreements. I didn’t choose my best friend in the world as the guardian for my child because her husband is a manipulative silent-treatment master – that’s how much I don’t want my kid in that environment. Take this seriously, OP. Consider what you can live with.

         1. I think this so important. It’s not so much whether yelling is ok or not, it’s whether you can live this way.

            Lots of people are yellers and find other yellers and live vocal and fulfilled lives. It doesn’t have to be your reality though.

            1. And perhaps we should add “live and thrive with.” It’s worth it to strive for a baseline level of peace and harmony that you can experience daily (not all day every day, but as the baseline for your daily life).

            2. Yeah my parents will have occasional screaming matches, but that is both of their natural communication styles. They are perfectly happy communicating this way. But, with them it clears the air and there’s no lingering resentment or silent treatment.

            3. +1. I grew up in a yelling household but it only happened briefly mid argument. The issue was always fully resolved with no hard feelings afterward. OP’s husband is blowing up about minor problems, she’s constantly walking on eggshells, and she’s hiding information due to fear. That’s no way to live, get out!

      2. Yea, I would not have married a yeller. My parents scream/curse and got violent in my childhood. A partner screaming AT me or cursing AT me is a deal-breaker. It happened when I was still dating my now husband, I told him it was a non-negotiable and he stopped. We’ve also had the same discussion over agressive cursing/agressive driving as that was yet another fun thing my dad did (again – my husband realized that it was a big deal and quickly stopped).
         I’m simply not willing to deal with that behavior in my home life which should be a safe/soft spot to land at the end of a hard work day.

         1. Same. And the part where OP can’t even talk about hard-ish things with her husband because of the yelling? Oh absolutely not. I’d be outta there. It’s awful for kids too, I spent my childhood wishing my parents would divorce in a similar dynamic.

         2. There is no indication this behavior started before marriage. Sometimes this is the outcome of simmering resentments that build in a marriage that can’t be predicted but maybe can be avoided (or resolved) with better communication habits.

            1. Then I’d leave. My mom swore my dad wasn’t like that when they were dating and I could never understand why she stayed.

            2. Well obviously you ended up with a perfect partner because you demanded and held to the highest standards, and it has all worked out for you because you simply know better and do better. But for the OP, who is now suffering from not having made all the right decisions you did, it is worth at least a shot at fixing this.

            3. 10:18 what? No, OP does not have to try to make this work. She absolutely can and should leave.

            4. @10:21 – I would never want to be married to.someone who identifies a problem in our communication, does not let me know their thoughts about it, gives me no opportunity to fix it, does not at all examine whether they have their own role in the dynamic, and blindsides me with an immediate demand for divorce. That is my nightmare of a spouse. I don’t even understand why someone with that attitude would get married.
               *I acknowledge that OP has apparently, in the middle of an argument, made a statement to the effect that she can’t listen effectively when he is yelling. I stand on the opinion that this is not enough. She doesn’t have to tolerate this. But not addressing it in a meaningful way before walking out is totally unacceptable to me. Perhaps the facts are not all here, of course, but as written.

            5. 10:18, I’m sorry you’re a yeller. Perhaps you need to work on that.

            6. Clever come back 10:42!

            7. Jumping in here: I was never a yeller before getting married.

               My soon to be ex spouse is the most passive aggressive person imaginable. What I initially thought was actual confusion or good faith misunderstandings have turned out to be gaslighting tactics.

               Eventually, after years of rational, calm discussions landing on deaf ears, of very simple an straightforward requests being treated like I was speaking gibberish and had some double secret meaning (literally, things like “do not touch my —- in the bedroom, ever again”), I have just started screaming. (Yes, I am describing a form of assault re: intimate activities.)

               Now, in retrospect, I wish I had just handed him divorce papers at him without an explanation, because he long ago forfeited any right to an explanation.

               But, I’m human, and I sometimes yelled, and as this went on, yelled more. Then STBX would give the big puppy eyes to his friends and talk about how awful of a wife I am, and how he’s the super patient, loving, long suffering spouse.

               Which is to say, there can be complicated dynamics at play, and “I’m so perfect and I don’t put up with yelling” isn’t always the amazingly helpful advice you might think it is.

            8. Anon 11:42 – your post resonated a lot with me and gave me a lot to think about.

         3. As someone who counsels victims of DV, I am cringing at your tone. Many women are ashamed that they picked the wrong person. They blame themselves. In large part because people assume that the abusive behavior was apparent during the courtship. Often, it is not. Saying things like ‘I would not have married a yeller’ adds the stigma. Please rethink your reframing.

            1. This is a compassionate comment – thank you.

      3. This WAS divorce worthy for me, and my life is much better for it.

         OP, I’m so sorry. It’s hard. He’s gaslighting you by suggesting that normal people tolerate being yelled at. Your preference *is* more valid than his on this one and should be prioritized.

      4. Same, and it was, after putting up with it for WAY too long.

         My theory is that relationships should be judged not on the best parts (even the worst relationship has good parts, right?), but on the worst parts. And a husband whose “worst part” is that he yells and then gives the silent treatment is just beyone the pale for me.

         The worst part of my current relationship is that sometimes my husband is a little behind schedule and I like to be early. And I suspect he would say that the word part is that sometimes I am impatient about him being relaxed about time. Orders of magnitude different from the above, and I like it that way.

   2. Yelling is not okay. Yelling at you in front of the kids is not okay. Gottman Institute may have some materials you can send him on this.

      How does his family of origin communicate? DH’s mom yelled a lot when he was younger and he had to unlearn that method of communication.

      What worked for us was when I said ‘I want to understand what you are saying but I cannot focus on the content of your words when you yell.’

      Definitely therapy – both couples therapy and anger management therapy for him.

   3. This is absolutely not okay and could be divorce worthy for me as well. Does he recognize that he shouldn’t yell? I grew up in a family where yelling was common and definitely had to unlearn that and learn more healthy communication; that was a lot of work and it starts with understanding and accepting that there is a problem. Does he? Even if he does and is working on it, it’s also possible that whatever he’s willing and able to give won’t be enough. It’s okay (and desirable!!!) for you to leave situations that are not serving you including marriage.

   4. no.

      this would 100% not be worth the rest of the “good” times to me — it is abusive!!

      1. Agreed, and be honest with yourself OP: are the good times “good”? Are you happy and content during the good times? Or are you on edge, monitoring his emotions, making sure nothing sets him off? You’ve said that you don’t fully share your life with him because of fear of his reactions. Even when you’re putting on a happy face, you may not trust your spouse or love them fully because of abusive episodes in the past.

   5. This is unacceptable and so damaging. The fact that he clearly does not want to modify his behavior is the most concerning part. Whenever you can, I would physically remove yourself from these events. You do not deserve to be yelled at, and you will leave until he can converse normally. (I realize this might not always be practical with children.)

      1. This may help but realize, OP, that it’s not just in the moment of yelling that you’re being abused. You’re living your life on a tightrope to avoid being yelled at. Even if he doesn’t yell, the fact that he already has probably has deeply impacted and wounded you. For there to be any hope, you need him to make amends, fully, for those past times, and for you to feel fully safe and secure that it won’t happen again. If you can’t feel safe and secure in your marriage, you can’t fully love and be vulnerable with the person. You’re just playing a role trying to survive the day.

         1. This. And it is so so so damaging to your kids to live like that too.

         2. Plus, there probably will come a point where he is yelling at your kids this way too.

            1. And your kids will likely end up yelling at their kids and spouses if they grow up thinking it’s okay.

   6. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I grew up in a household with yelling and it seriously damaged me. My husband and I have two very firm rules: no yelling, and no name calling.

      Also, you’ve done nothing wrong and you don’t deserve to be treated like this.

      1. I also grew up with a mother who yelled and I have PTSD from it. OP should take this very seriously.

      2. Well said. OP, NOTHING you could do would “deserve” being yelled at. No doubt he’ll say you’re too sensitive, or you triggered him in some way, or your facial expression was wrong, or your tone was disrespectful. It doesn’t matter. If you have enough self-control not to yell, so can he. Someone saying you made them yell at you is of a kind with someone who says you made them hit you.

         1. Yep, classic abusive victim-blaming. Who does he think he is talking to in that tone of voice? Certainly not someone he loves and respects. The fact that he can control his emotions and not yell at the children demonstrates that he is choosing to yell at you and display the breathtaking attitude afterwards. If he remains stubborn, this doesn’t end well, I am so sorry.

            1. As someone who had parents who yelled – they didn’t yell at US when we were small. But when we were rebellious teens? Oh boy – yelling, cursing, smacking were all common occurences. Of course teenagers don’t know how to de-escalate but their parents should! And then they wonder why we aren’t ‘super close’ with them as adults.

         2. I’ve yelled at my STBX after he’s assaulted me…. glad to know I’m in the wrong!

            1. No. And this is ridiculous. You’re essentially telling her “idk maybe you deserve it? Are you sure you aren’t SAing him?”

               Not everything is about you

            2. That is not what’s going on here.

            3. What a narcissistic, tone deaf response. What is wrong with you?

            4. The statement was “OP, NOTHING you could do would “deserve” being yelled at.”

               Is that true or not? Serious question. “The exceptions aren’t applicable to OP” isn’t the same thing as “there aren’t exceptions, ever.”

            5. Way to make it all about you, Anon. But you’re right, of course. I yelled back at my yeller and he didn’t lay a finger on me. But once you’re in crazy land with yelling and assault, it’s all the more reason to pack your bags and go.

               I think the comment more properly should have been “nothing you can do (in the normal course of events, absent something like SA, of course), deserved you being yelled at.” One would hope that would go without saying but apparently nothing goes without saying around here.

   7. Part of being married is learning how to fight reasonably. He can change or he can crater your marriage.

   8. The expert I would call is a divorce lawyer. Then a therapist for helping you through it. That’s an unacceptable personality to be married to.

      1. +1.

   9. I already get so physically uncomfortable when my husband gets agitated at technical issues like a frozen computer. It’s not directed at me but I usually go to a different room to escape the energy of the angry keyboard typing. Husband would never tell me that the problem is that I’m too sensitive.
      Yelling at you plus silent treatment is NOT OK! It’s not a healthy family dynamic. He may not direct it at the kids but don’t fool yourself that they won’t be affected.

   10. The part that bothers me most is that he seems unwilling to make efforts to modify his behavior after you have told him it is important to you. I also think you need to say to him that you can’t process his message when he is yelling and also to make sure that when you are in an argument/disagreement you give him uninterrupted space to state his position before responding. And this may be an instance where the “active listening” tool comes in handy because it gives him reassurance that you have heard him when he is talking at a normal level so he doesn’t feel he needs to escalate things to be heard/understood.

   11. You are being abused. Yelling is abuse. It is not normal. Even if it happens only once or twice a year, your emotional state is impacted DAILY by the fear that it will happen again. Your actions, as you say, are dictated by the threat of yelling that always lurks in the background because you know it is there.

       Great you are getting therapy. Please get couples’ therapy too, and you will know very fast if there is hope for your marriage. If he can take accountability in couples’ therapy AND outside of it, realize his yelling is a problem and sincerely committ to work on it, you may have a chance. If therapy results – as I expect it will – in him continuing to blame you and only you, him accusing you of making him out to be the bad guy, and him using things you said in therapy against you afterward (never in front of the therapist) then unfortunately you know there is no hope. You can live the rest of your days on eggshells trying to stop the next explosion. Or you can move on in peace.

       1. Also, OP, you should be so proud for going to therapy and posting this thread. These are incredibly brave steps. I found it impossible to actually acknowledge there was a problem because I was afraid of where it would lead; above all else, I did not want to get divorced. So it’s much easier to pretend everything is fine, when it’s NOT. You’ve recognized that it’s not, and whatever comes next, you’re taking care of yourself and your kids.

       2. Hard disagree about couples therapy. What OP is describing is abuse and couples therapy with an abuser is contra-indicated. I went with my yeller and our sessions were him talking about how everything was all my fault, and me crying. Don’t put yourself through it.

          1. True, but what’s the alternative, OP leaves without trying counseling? Attempts to engage the abuser directly? Do you think a few sessions to see whether her husband can engage in good faith could be helpful? I’m sincerely asking. I think it would be very hard for OP to leave a marriage without trying couples counseling. But she should go in with her guard up and understand what’s likely to happen.

             1. Personally I’d leave without trying to make it okay. She already has tried. Why prolong the inevitable?

             2. I guess. I mean, that’s what I did although I wasn’t forewarned and didn’t realize what a sh!tshow it was going to be. If she really wants to leave no stone unturned, sure. But I suspect she knows who she’s married to already. And she says she’s going to individual counseling, which I think will be much more helpful than more abuse with a couples counselor.

             3. I do think OP needs her own therapist. Then she should raise her concerns around yelling with her partner in a quiet moment, share that she feels she is walking on a tightrope around him, and ask him to seek his own therapist. If he gets emotional, she could say, I will not drop this topic, but will send you an email to process in your own time.

                It is possible for people to change. Many don’t, right, but there is a chance he can change. She doesn’t seem to be afraid of her husband, only finds his behavior misery-inducing. Since they have children, I think it’s worth taking time to very seriously ask him to look at his behavior and how it impacts the family (ie the come to Jesus moment). If they do divorce, he may have the same behavior with the kids and she’ll have minimal oversight of his parenting time.

             4. I think Anon at 1:26 hit the nail on the head.

             5. He goes to counseling separately to work on his issues.

   12. I am on the other side of a divorce from a man exactly like this. I could have written your post five years ago. Every bit of it. My daily life now is so positive and peaceful. I truly regret putting up with that garbage for as long as I did. It’s not a matter of “preferences”, it’s a matter of decency. And no grown ass person should need to have their emotions managed by others. Do not model being fine with being treated this way for your children.

       1. My dad was like that. What will happen with your kids is they’ll be cordial at best. They won’t come home for long visits, every interaction will be buffered by a boyfriend, friend or spouse. In my case they won’t have kids because they don’t want to risk their grandfather acting like that around their own kids. Your adult dynamic with your kids will be distant and you’ll wonder why you aren’t a big happy family. Get out now. It’s not worth it. I wouldn’t even bother with trying.

          1. Wow, a lot of truth here.

             OP, my brothers and I grew up in a family like this. It scarred all of us deeply. We all withdrew from our parents, have dysfunctional relationships, and most decided to never have children. We are all so scared of having a family life like that again, we’d rather have none.

             I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. It is not right, normal or acceptable. It is a terrible model for your children and could scar them deeply, or they will model this behavior in their future relationships.

             1. I’m 10:13 and just thank you for this. I’ve always thought I was the only one to react this way.

          2. OP, please read this response over and over and over again. My parents relationship was like this to the very end (49 miserable years). What they wound up with is 4 adult children who rarely brought their own children around due to the disfunction. Even after my father passed away, my mother continued to be impossible to have a relationship with because her communication style was so deeply rooted in conflict.

          3. Thank you to both 10:13 and 1:07. My siblings and I don’t have children. We never discussed it with each other but each independently came to the same conclusion. It only occurred to me within the last couple of years that the dynamic of our family of origin might have had something to do with our decisions. It feels very validating to hear your stories. Also the part about not seeing the offending parent either at all or without a buffer person present is very true.

   13. I don’t feel safe around people who never express their anger angrily, and I have no real issue with raised voices. But it sounds like this goes beyond raised voices into (a) attacks (the yelling at) and (b) not minding his own business (he shouldn’t be deciding what you talk to your boss about!).

       I’ve witnessed people who yell improve dramatically with anger management when sent by a spouse or more often employer; it is one of the things therapy can work for (therapy for him I mean!).

       1. Yeah. I grew up in a situation where yelling happened. It doesn’t trigger me now, but I’ll absolutely roll my eyes if people can’t communicate like adults.

       2. “I don’t feel safe around people who never express their anger angrily”

          Same. It’s counterintuitive, but some stuff is actually worth getting upset about. That isn’t a license for verbal abuse; it is to say that people who are “too good” to express anger can be very insidious with it all.

          1. Yes, people like that make me very uncomfortable, I assume they are sh*t-talking me and probably everyone else behind closed doors. One of the parents at my kids’ school is like this – all smiles in public but scheming all the time to grind you into a fine powder if you dare step out of line.

             1. This is it. Anger is a natural emotion; the problems arise when it’s disproportionate or handled badly.

                “Reaction policing” can also be a form of abuse. Sit back, throw bombs, be a massive jerk with a smile on your face (because no one is being mean to *you*), then play victim when your spouse gets mad.

                It’s why victims of DV often lose custody of their kids. The abuser is all calm and smiles; the victim is “angry” and unstable.

          2. Agree. Anger needs to be expressed and I also don’t trust people who mask it.

   14. What you are describing is my parents marriage. Speaking from the kids perspective, I would strongly encourage you to decide how you stop the cycle here – either, from divorce, separation or both of you learning to disagree in a more productive manner without the cycle of avoidance until things blow up.

   15. “how much I manage around his anger”
       This is abuse. He is using yelling to control you even when he is not actually yelling.
       I’m on my second marriage, and my first was unhappy and second is happy but has had difficult moments. No one has ever yelled even once.

   16. You are right and not crazy – you should not have to deal with this! Your second paragraph sounds concerning, but the example you provided reminds me of my own habits before therapy.

       Sharing my journey/thoughts on this, in case it is helpful to you. I grew up in a home where my mom yelled, and it was important to me to find a partner that did not yell, AND I am also a yeller. It took therapy to be able to understand that all of these things can be true and to unlearn the yelling habit. For both me and my mom, we yell when we feel we are not being heard, and it creates a vicious cycle of yelling louder, the other party not receiving the message due to yelling, and then yelling even louder. I really had to understand that MY yelling creates a stress response for others even though I am not intending to express anger, though of course I intellectually knew that. I mention this because it sounds similar to the example you provided (your partner was upset on your behalf, not at you).

       That said, yelling followed by short/little communication and no apology sounds awful! My partner and I worked through this early in our relationship, and I would always feel awful after realizing I was making him upset by yelling (which led to getting help).

       1. How did you get help? I also yell to be heard. It’s not out of anger, it’s out of frustration. My spouse did not come from a yelling household and he shuts down when I raise my voice even slightly, yet he also never listens to me when I speak normally, or I have to say the same thing 10 times and I resort to yelling to get my point across. Is this individual therapy territory? Couples therapy?

          1. Can I ask you (and no snark) — does yelling in this case work? Does it get your point across?

             To me, this is a skillset thing — how both of you can communicate, both listening and speaking. For that, a therapist can be useful, either individual or couples or both.

          2. We did an initial session for couple’s therapy because I was sick of my own yelling. I found the initial session so helpful for myself, that I ended up switching to just individual therapy. I don’t think I would have been brave enough (or self-aware enough) to go straight to individual therapy, so that initial couple’s consult was the perfect stepping stone. My husband also eventually ended up in individual therapy for undiagnosed and untreated ADHD and depression – both things that contributed to the “yelling” dynamic as much as my own baggage. Since we were both getting the individual support we needed, we would try to work through couple’s communication exercises on our own. So yeah, it was a journey.

             And adding for the other commenter who responded to you: yes, absolutely, yelling sometimes felt like the only way to get my message across (again, because my partner had his own stuff to figure out). And this created a feedback loop for me to continue raising my voice. I’m seeing other things in the comments like cursing, name-calling, slamming doors, etc. and that was never part of our dynamic. I would say the yelling went slightly deeper than simple communication skillset, and therapy was so helpful for that.

   17. This doesn’t sound like a “yelling” problem. That it is directed at you and the silent treatment afterward makes it sound more like an anger management problem.

       My dad yelled to deal with anxiety. For example, you knew there would be a few seconds of shouting if you forgot to call to say you arrived back at school safely, and then he would immediately switch to mentioning the brownies he packed or wishing me luck with an exam. That’s a yelling problem (still not right but much easier to adapt) What you’re describing sounds much, much different.

   18. Recommend this book: Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. It’ll help you think through this.

   19. I’ll be a (partial) dissenter. I grew up in a yelling household. We’re just…. loud? Emotional? Maybe it’s cultural. I’m breaking the cycle a bit, but we do yell. But then the emotion is out, then we speak logically and rationally, and love one another and move on. I don’t think yelling is singularly abusive at all.

       BUT. OP, this isn’t just about yelling. None of the stuff you describe happens in my house (nor would I tolerate it!). To answer your question: yes, it’s a good thing you’re seeing a therapist soon.

       1. All of this.

       2. Agree with all of this as well, as someone who grew up in a yelling household and was not particularly bothered by it.

       3. +1

   20. Just get the divorce. Your husband is mean to you because he doesn’t care not to be. Get out. Get help. Understand why you value yourself so little.

   21. My spouse is the nicest, mildest guy, and we never fight. I’m more likely to be the vitriolic one in our relationship but even in 15 years of marriage I think I’ve only shouted at him twice. (The kids are another story.) Wellbutrin helped me, so did some random anger management advice about how people lose control when they feel a “rule has been broken,” so it’s important to ask yourself what rule is being broken. That’s helped me in reviewing any fraught conversations.

       I guess what I’m saying is that I think this is a him problem, not a you problem, and while maybe couples’ counseling would help it really has to be on him to want to change and recognize that he needs to.

   22. Hi, OP. I’m really sorry. First, let me say that your husband’s yelling AND his response to how you are made to deal with it are not okay. You are not crazy; you are not wrong; you are not oversensitive. His anger is controlling the people around him, and that’s not okay. Whether leaving is on the table is up to you, no matter how many people on this board love to pronounce divorce quickly. It may still be the right decision, but deciding that will probably take some time and thinking.

       Second, please work with the therapist to figure out ways to move forward. Again, that may mean leaving, and protecting yourself from emotional abuse is worthwhile and important. Maybe your husband will ultimately go with you to therapy, or find anger management on his own. But you don’t need to “convince” him that you’re right to not put up with his abuse (and that won’t work, anyway). I’m proud you said you won’t/can’t listen to him when he’s yelling, and I hope you’ll stick to that.

       Thinking of you, and please update if you feel comfortable.

   23. He’s certainly doing some form of gaslighting. I didn’t yell at you, but if I did it’s normal, and you wanting me not to yell is you prioritizing what makes you comfortable over my need to yell.

       OP do you see how completely f*cked up that is?

       If your best girlfriend came to you and described this conversation with her husband, what would you tell her?

   24. As someone who yells married to someone who rarely yells, I think it’s good you are seeing a therapist. People have different communication styles and dynamics about being frustrated. I tend to go into fight mode, my husband tends to go into freeze mode. Neither is ideal so it’s taken a lot of work to get to a better way to manage conflict.

       FWIW, both of my parents (especially my dad) were yellers. To me, there is a huge difference between someone raising their voice in frustration over, say, the neighbors’ construction truck blocking our driveway AGAIN (like I did recently in the privacy of my own home) and the way my parents yelled, which was to call us stupid and clumsy and thoughtless.

   25. Oh, girl, that is abuse. Period. Sorry, for me that would be divorce if not changed stat.
       You do not have to be treated that way and further, do not have to allow your kids to believe that is okay. It is good you will see a therapist soon.

   26. Years ago, I was married to a man who took out his frustrations on me by yelling, slamming doors, and blaming me for everything. He didn’t get a hoped-for promotion at work? My fault. Bad traffic? My fault. He wanted to go out after work, but had to pick up our child from childcare (I was the drop off parent)? I guess I was a controlling b1tch.

       He was my college boyfriend and I was insecure, so I internalized all of this as if it were factual. It really was my fault. I was a b1tch.

       Finally, I started going to therapy. I was scared that I was going to end up a Divorced Woman in my early thirties, and had such a hard time seeing myself that way. I had biases about what it meant to be a divorced woman. But honestly, what was really scaring me was that I didn’t think I loved him anymore. (I didn’t.)

       We did a few counseling sessions and he was Mr. Everything is Fine, and the therapist kept trying to draw him out because he was so closed off, which made him feel like he was right about everything. Finally, I said just one thing among many I could have said. I said I was tired of the yelling and the slamming doors. The therapist, who by this time my husband thought of as in his corner, said “yelling is not ok. Slamming doors is not ok. Living in a peaceful household is a very basic right.” My husband was completely shocked that she said that and after the session decided she was not a good therapist.

       Of course the therapy did not change his behavior in the slightest, but it changed mine. I no longer blamed myself for all of his outburst. I had a right to a peaceful household.

       He was shocked, really shocked, when I said I was serious about getting divorced. He moved out and took EVERYTHING when we had already agreed to split our belongings. But it was just stuff. I eventually replaced it with better versions.

       And I eventually found a better husband. I’m very happily married now. And being a divorced woman was actually kind of fun. I have never felt so free in my life.

       OP you can do this. You can leave this guy and survive on your own. You’re on here asking for the magic words you can say to make him respect you and have a peaceful home. Those words don’t exist. He wants to be the way he is, and he doesn’t care that you want things to be peaceful. He doesn’t care. Believe that.

   27. I read a paper a while ago reporting findings that there are 3 general “types” when it comes to conflict management in relationships – a) rational and respectful discussion and resolution of conflict; b) sublimation of most conflict – no discussion; and c) yelling. You’d think that only type (a) couples would be satisfied in the relationship, but any of three types can work if both partners share that preference. Satisfaction is compromised mainly when two people have difference preferences.

       I’m surprised by the number of people telling OP to file for immediate divorce, especially since she says many aspects of her marriage are good. Therapy seems key, but I’d make it couples therapy, rather than just for OP on her own.

       1. IF BOTH PARTNERS SHARE THE PREFERENCE.

          1. Maybe instead of divorcing, someone could explain that to her husband? He might have seen plenty of workable marriages with yelling, or even his parents’ marriage, and doesn’t understand that some people can’t handle it and he has to accommodate that.

             1. Oh, FFS. I explained that to my husband until I was blue in the face and he just. didn’t. care.

                In the alternate universe in which OP has never suggested to her husband that she doesn’t like it when he yells, then sure. Tell him. Once. And then get the hell out.

             2. I personally feel that telling him once in the middle of a fight isn’t enough. They should sit down for a conversation when they are not fighting, and discuss it. If nothing changes after that, she can (and maybe should) divorce him without worry that she didn’t try to save the marriage.

             3. The “tell him” crowd seems very victim-blamey. Really, we should have to tell our partners specifically that we don’t like it when they scream at us over nothing? Should we also specify that we don’t like to be slapped in the face? That we don’t like it when they tell us other women’s bodies are looking great? That we don’t like being cursed at? Gosh how else is a guy to know!

             4. Thank you, Get Out. You are the voice of reason.

   28. My husband was a huge teller, but in general the marriage was bad.
       After 22 years and 3 kids, I moved out and divorced him.

       BEST MOVE EVER.
       I’m living in my cute apartment, dating sexy boyfriend, going to Europe – living my best life. Good riddance!!

   29. I’ll also be a dissenter here. If you’re saying the relationship is 90% good, and you have kids, these people telling you to proceed straight to divorce it wild to me. Yes therapy, but also getting some time together to really focus and discuss without the pressure of the bedtime/the next activity/kids coming in and out of the room. I feel like the business of life especially with kids often makes me sort of cast all my annoyances and troubles at DH, but once I get a time to truly discuss and connect with him, I’m less upset, I feel seen/heard. Also, focus on your friendships. To answer your 1st question, we’re both yellers, I will not go into more because I just don’t need people telling me to get a divorce. he’s not perfect, I’m not perfect, we’re both working on it.

       1. Again, if you’re both yellers and it works for you, then knock youselves out. (Although I feel bad for your kids.) But one yeller + one yellee = abuse.

          1. oh for goodness sakes I said i won’t get into it precisely because of comments like this. point proven.

       2. There is no way what she is describing is 90% good.

       3. This assumes her DH is willing to “discuss” any faults of his without turning it back on OP, or to “connect” with her in a truly loving way that isn’t completely broken because of her trauma from him yelling at her and freezing her out for days at a time. OP should go into the “work” eyes wide open.

   30. Sooo…. This is abuse.

       This is blame-shifting. This is gaslighting.

       You are the victim. You don’t deserve to be screamed at by someone who is supposed to love you best. Period.

       Is this what you want to model to your kids? Would you want your (hypothetically) daughter treated in this way in her marriage?

       You deserve better.

   31. I am genuinely shocked at the number of people on here that think that yelling at other people is okay. I sure hope all y’all are partnered with other yellers and don’t have children or pets to scare, and don’t yell at friends or coworkers. God I’ve had too much internet today with this. Sometimes I wish I knew less about people.

   32. OP, not sure if this is too late but adding this in case anyone comes back to read this therad might find it helpful.

       Here’s what I’m concerned about for you: not your husband’s yelling in and of itself (we’ve seen some examples of relatively benign yelling on this thread), but what you said about managing around his anger and not feeling comfortable discussing things with him, in combination with the silent treatment and the blamey comments about you prioritizing your preferences over his. You already know that you are afraid and feeling crazy at times — these are huge red flags, and indicative of him using power to shape your behavior. Look, nobody on this board knows your husband or whether the relationship is repairable. But please talk to your therapist about feeling afraid and crazy in your relationship, and hopefully you have a good one who can help you take it from there.

   33. No! and in fact “never raises his voice” was a MUST for me (although I’ve had an a-hole ex who hissed threats and complaints through gritted teeth and didn’t need to raise their voice to be terrifyingly abusive). I decided after that ex I wanted *peace* in my house above all. I had a father who was really strict and a grandfather who was downright terrifying and although I don’t have kids, I didn’t want that b.s. of “the world revolves around King Baby’s Temper”. I wish women would leave that in the 1950s where is belongs–the eggshell tiptoeing around Mr. Wonderful because his moods are the household weather.

       I get everyone has to make their own calculations but I strongly urge women who are married to “yellers” to either make an ultimatum or consider leaving.

4. I’ve been writing letters with Vote Forward, but the last day to send letters is tomorrow (so the letters arrive in time) and I’d like to continue helping in the last week. I live in a blue state, with caregiving responsibilities, so I can’t get on a bus to my nearest swing state to canvass.

   Anyone recommendations on what I can do to help the Harris campaign in the final week other than phone banking? Or, if phone banking is the most effective way to help, can anyone share positive experiences phone banking?

   1. There was a link on Cup of Jo on Friday to follow up with voters who have cast ballots but where there is a problem.

   2. Just vote. Please stop calling and texting for the love of.

      1. Stop trying to dictate activism.

         1. It’s a clue that the impact you think you’re having on your target audience is probably not the impact you’re actually having.

            1. I stand by saying you don’t dictate others’ activism. I

               haven’t volunteered in any way, but I still respect folks doing it. How exactly do you think politics works? I work in marketing–influence involves efforts over time. Is it persuasive? Maybe yes or maybe no. But absence doesn’t move the needle at all.

               We’re all tired of phone calls, texts and emails. But there is a reason they exist. The same reason retailers use them: It’s just part of the marketing game.

               Your telling her to stop is no more logical than telling a business not to try to convert customers. That’s just not how things work. Your individual irritation and lack of knowledge in this area doesn’t change that fact.

            2. But she can indicate what works and what doesn’t. I have many friends in swing states, and they HATE the calls and texts. Especially from other states.

               Her statement clearly wasn’t meant to be taken literally, but was instead an indication of her displeasure for those methods.

               Also just noting that anytime this topic comes up, people who actually live on the ground in swing states report that the calls and texts are more annoying than helpful.

            3. OP literally is asking what method. Response is “Just vote. Please stop calling and texting for the love of.”

               That’s ignoring the ask and purely shutting activism down–not at all helpful.

            4. I just feel like she was clearly using hyperbole, and you’re accusing her of doing something terrible. Maybe she did mean it literally, though!

      2. Yeah, I am very left-leaning and generally supportive of grassroots efforts to get out the vote but the massive influx of mailers I – and especially my college aged daughter – receive seems like such a huge, annoying waste of resources and energy.

         Is there a documented benefit or positive impact from this type of activism? Especially in the days of early voting and absentee ballots, where my whole household voted weeks ago, receiving dozens (not an exaggeration) of political postcards, flyers, letters, etc. from randos across the country every day for weeks on end just seems like such a pointless exercise.

         1. Mailers/ post cards, not as much. Calling and texting, yes. This board leans more politically active. A lot of people are clueless

            1. I’ve yet to see any proof. And marketing effectiveness changes over time. Perhaps when texting or phone banking was new it had an impact. Today it’s irritating spam. I don’t think it’s anywhere near as effective ad you seem to believe.

      3. Thank you! The number of text messages I get daily is astounding. None of them will impact how I vote in the slightest. But I am missing important family messages among the dozens of texts daily

         1. I also have no idea how many of them are possibly just scams.

         2. Yeah, because the inconvenience of a text far outweighs what’s at stake in this election.

   3. Call or text into a swing state!! Especially GOTV focused calls/texts, not persuasion

      I’ve always found “ballot cure” – what Anon @ 9:02 mentioned about helping people with ballots that had an issue – very rewarding

      1. And please if you do the calls or texts into swing states, don’t be alarmed or put off or take it personally if you get a lot of STOPs or hang ups. I live in Wisconsin. We get 5-10 pieces of campaign mail per day, 3-5 text messages per day, at least one phone call per day….if I was actually engaging with any of it it would be so overwhelming.

         I am voting, I care a lot about the results, and I am not even reading any of the texts or listening to the phone calls – I’m immediately texting “STOP” or hanging up. I really get why everyone is making the contacts but I just do not have the mental energy to engage at all with any of these direct outreach.

         Clearly I’m not the target audience, but I just wanted to share the experience of a swing state voter right now. It’s all just a lot. Go ahead and continue to call and text in, I hope it works for some people, but for most everyone I know we’re all just overwhelmed and very over the constant barrage.

         1. I’ve been wondering what that must be like, thanks for sharing!

            1. Yeah, I cringe when I see calls and texts suggested for campaigning and what everyone can do. But I honestly don’t know what there is better to do and I’m assuming that the campaigns have sound research behind asking volunteers to do this….I just don’t know anyone who it works for.

               It’s funny/annoying/weird because I also have lived in North Carolina and Florida, so I’m on those lists too – I’ve gotten texts for all three states this year. Maybe calls too, but I immediately hang up on those.

            2. I’m in Georgia and it’s a lot. I don’t answer calls from unknown numbers anymore and ignore texts and batch delete them at the end of the day. There’s so many — probably 3-6 per day, more when there’s a debate or some big rally or other event. And as an ATL resident, I am SO tired of having to monitor for road closures and horrific traffic delays when the candidates come to town which has been at least twice per week. Trump is going to come to Midtown ATL today, necessitating the closure of the main highways that people use to get home from work, during rush hour.

         2. Agree. It seems like the constant outreaches in this day and age are more geared to make the contactor feel better that they have performed activism, not to make an actual impact on the contactees.

            1. 100 this.

            2. THIS.

         3. The data on all the texting and calling is that it’s all about volume. So even with all the hangups and STOPS, it moves the needle, just slightly. Basically, canvassing in person moves the needle the most, then phone calls and texts, then postcards and letters. With social media and the quick news cycle, the needle moves even less than it used to.

            I find calling and texting intrusive, so I don’t do it. But it’s not about “making the caller feel better,” at least from the campaign perspective. It’s about numbers, like cold calling or junk mail or anything else along those lines.

            1. I believe you and I’m not trying to argue your point with the following, just genuinely curious….

               I would love to read these studies, and also I want to look at the composition of the sample that they pull from. My husband is a millennial and much more swing voter than I am, so he’s got to be one of the demographics that the campaigns are trying to reach – and he has been saying more and more vehemently for the last week every time he gets a message that he can’t wait for the election to be done. He would be utterly turned off by someone door to door canvassing – and I assume a lot of millennials are that way.

               Is it older voters who calls, texts, door to door canvasing works on? Because I just don’t think it works on younger voters. But I don’t know what would…just that this isn’t persuasive.

            2. Do you know whether they have studied whether mailings, calls, and texts actually have a turn-off factor as well? I personally find them so infuriating in their incessant volume that if I were on the fence about voting in the first place (which I am not, to be clear), I might stay home out of spite.

            3. I’ve asked for backup on this a few times, and the only evidence people have pointed me toward of the “studies” are on websites by orgs that are doing the texts and calls. I would believe it more if I saw backup from an org that studies political trends more broadly. I doubt it because of my own lived experience in a swing state with calls and texts from people all over the place.

            4. I can tell you with magazine subscriptions (I work for a B2B publisher that has to confirm the subscription to justify ad rates) that phone calls are far less successful these days than even five years ago. Email and text work best for this purpose for us (though we’re less apt to use text–we would rather have access to the phone number than have folks not share it because they’ve been inundated with texts since it’s a data point that helps us identify them on social–where we can send advertising with better ROI than the magazine).

         4. I’m reluctant to tell people who I’m voting for (or any other information really) when they cold call me, so it’s probably partly my fault that they keep calling. Hopefully I’ll show up as having early voted soon!

         5. WISH I only got 3-5 texts per day, and I’m not in a swing state!

   4. Curing ballots is what is useful (and not pushing anything) right now. You can sign up to do that here:
      https://volunteerblue.org/take-action-ballot-cure/

      All this is doing is helping people who have *already voted by mail* fix any typo-level mistakes that have made their ballots ineligible. I did this in 2020, and people were grateful because it’s ensuring that their vote is counted.

      1. Thanks—this is a link for what I suggested early in the comments.

      2. Agree! Its helping people who want to vote and can have a huge impact

   5. I’m in deep blue California, so I think the letter writing and postcard writing are best directed elsewhere. But my phone has been absolutely blowing up with all kinds of political campaign stuff, both for the presidential campaign (which is funny because the Trump campaign thinks I’m Jason and I’m on their side, whereas the Kamala campaign has my correct name and correctly thinks I’m on their side) and for state and local elections. I press “delete and report junk” for every one of them. A text from a bot or even an actual human being like “I’m Chris, and I’m a volunteer for Measure FF” do not sway me in the least, I’m sorry to say. They just annoy me.

      I don’t know what the right thing to do is. Reminding people to vote seems like a good thing, but don’t text me or call me! Maybe door to door? I met a mayoral candidate that way and I really like her. So….

      1. I’m in a blue non swing state and get 75 to 80 text messages per day. I block the number, and press the junk and delete link. I get an equal number of emails that I batch delete and voicemails from unanswered calls. I really do not want people at my door. Oh, and each day last week I threw away an inch thick pile of postcards and mailers. I hate election season. Just make it stop.

5. I was recently hospitalized and the heart monitors that were taped to my chest left terrible rashes that are still angry a week later. Cortisone cream isn’t helping and it’s unclear if aloe vera is. Any recommendations for what to try? Needs to be breastfeeding friendly. TIA!

   1. I’m so sorry about your hospitalization. Is all the adhesive off the skin? If not, you’ll need a silicone based adhesive-removal ointment. Once all the adhesive is gone, let it air out as much as possible. Then try something very gentile like Aquaphor.

      For reference, I had a wound vac for 10 weeks that needed to be changed 3 times a week and covered a 16in by 6in area of my abdomen. The raw skin was brutal!

   2. Aquaphor.

      1. Without having seen your rash and assuming it is just skin irritation, and as a physician, I would switch to aquaphor and avoid further topical corticosteroids.

   3. Marin skin cream – it’s eczema friendly and has helped with the irritation from similar situations after a surgery. For more immediate relief – vanicream as cortisone will help calm the reaction but not soothe the skin.

   4. You may need to see a doctor. Some persistent rashes require prescription steroids to knock out. If it’s getting worse, not better, even with OTC treatments, get a video visit ASAP.

      1. +1 I think you probably will need a Rx if over the counter hydrocortisone isn’t working and it’s not getting any better with time.

   5. I’d try your baby’s diaper rash cream.

   6. You may be allergic to the adhesive. I’m allergic to the adhesive in bandages and certain medical tapes. I’d have it looked at by a physician because sometimes the “rash” that I get is actually more like a burn if the adhesive has been on my skin too long.

      1. +1

         I am allergic to waterproof adhesives and get this same type of reaction. I have resorted to using Goo Gone to remove the residue (not sure I would call that BF-friendly), but something like vegetable oil or some other food-grade oil might also help break down the residual adhesive. Just bathe afterword.

      2. Baby oil also helps remove the adhesive. I am also allergic to adhesive on medical tape, bandaids and those surgical patches.

   7. I’m sorry. I have a bit of a reaction to those too. It’s an allergy to the adhesive.

      You know you should probably see at least your primary care physician about this. Over the counter cortisone may not be sufficient. I ended up using a higher strength prescription steroid cream until the allergy calmed down.

      I know your skin is sensitive right now, but make sure all the adhesive is really off. Use a mild non-foaming cleaner and gently massage it for a while, just to make sure. An oil cleaner might also be good.

      I regularly have to wear a zio patch for 14 days and that adhesive is absolutely driving me bonkers by the end of it.

      Hope you’re feeling better from whatever brought you to the hospital.

   8. If you are breastfeeding, I would try putting some breastmilk on the rashes. It’s great for sore nipples and baby rashes, so worth a try.

6. I posted on Friday morning asking for tips and reassurance about my big presentation today (think government regulator giving feedback to a company). The presentation is this afternoon, so please send good vibes/thoughts/prayers/whatever you do! Aside from that though, I wanted to ask this thoughtful hive about a piece of advice I received, something I’ve been seeing more and more (from men). My male mentor at work told me on Friday, “don’t take yourself too seriously” when I asked him for any tips on the presentation. He seemed confident that this was good advice, but I don’t think it’s the best advice for a young woman in my situation (presenting to older, crotchety men who have been in the industry as long as I’ve been alive). It seems like I would want to take myself seriously, as I want THEM to take me seriously. I’ve also noticed this a LOT on dating sites – men are looking for a woman who “doesn’t take herself too seriously.” What say you?

   1. It is good advice. It means roll in with confidence – say hello, make small talk, act like you belong there. You can be taken seriously without sitting there acting like you’re the principal’s office.

      1. +1 – this is very good advice for most junior colleagues, and is especially good advice for young female presenters. I like the phrase “calm confidence” someone else used.

         1. Calm confidence doesn’t = “don’t take yourself too seriously” to me, so I understand why OP is confused. Frankly, I’m confused too, but maybe I didn’t understand the intent of the phrase.

            1. My guess is that the mentor meant she shouldn’t be overly uptight, intense, or too earnest.

   2. In this specific case, for what you’re doing this afternoon and the level of nervousness you’re feeling — I agree with your mentor. If you tend toward being serious in the first place, taking yourself too seriously in a time like this can cause you to overprepare, to catastrophize, to see anything less than utter perfection as failure, etc. A too-serious person will clamp down on herself in order to do it perfectly, and “clamped-down-on” people tend to make more mistakes than people who are more at ease.
      However, if you were lazy, or flighty, apt to under-prepare, or not inclined to take life seriously, I’d never give you this advice. (If you were that kind of person, you’d not be posting regularly asking advice, nor talking it over with your mentor. )

   3. Not taking yourself too seriously at work or in a presentation is not at all the same thing as not taking oneself seriously in dating. What not taking yourself too seriously in a professional context looks like is calm confidence. You are the expert on your topic. Own it and enjoy sharing your knowledge with your audience. If a technical issue pops up don’t panic; laugh it off.

   4. When I think that someone is taking themselves too seriously at work, it’s that they think their project is way more important than it actually is. The bad news they’re delivering may not be an actual crisis in the grand scheme of things, so don’t present it as one. Present the facts and the other related information like business impact in a credible way so that they can trust your expertise.

      1. This. It might be your first rodeo but it’s probably not theirs.

   5. Seems like a pretty condescending comment. Fine for someone who is your supervisor or otherwise above you in the hierarchy to say. But I’d probably not want to be with a man who put that in a dating profile. Seems like someone who wants a manic pixie dream girl for a “partner”.

   6. I was talking to my sister about interviews and gave her advice along the same lines. It’s more about acting casual and like you belong in the room and that this is a perfectly normal business meeting. Not like you’re, as another poster said, at the principal’s office or giving a thesis defense.

      A lot of CEOs and other higher ups I’ve met actually have a pretty casual demeanor. They don’t need to dress it up because they’re confident in what they’re saying. So it can just be a conversation that at least they’re not nervous about at all.

   7. Very helpful advice I have received in the early stages of my career, as a subject matter expert, was the following:

      Manage the expectations and flow – tell them in the beginning what you’re about to tell them, then tell then, and then at the end summarize what you just told them. Indicate whether you take questions on the go, at the end, or whether you have sections in your presentations after which you’ll pause.

      Be the expert, but defer if needed: When the audience begins to ask questions, don’t think that you need to answer everything exhaustively right away, or get into a defensive mode. Acknowledge and thank for the question, rephrase it to make sure you understand the question fully – and then either give an answer or defer to colleagues (if in the room) who might be better suited. It’s okay to not know everything.

   8. I say it’s great advice for (many) men, and likely not as great for (many) women. But to clarify: don’t minimize yourself or apologize; but general good humor is useful.

   9. I wonder if men are ever advised not to take themselves too seriously.

      1. Yes. I have given that advice to men who are junior to me/report to me. On one occasion when asked what to do if you mess up a presentation in front of more senior people/big clients, in fact. My intent was to help them realize mistakes get made, we are not in a profession where that will kill anyone, everyone else in the room has also made a mistake, some issues (tech) are not your fault (if you tested before hand. TEST beforehand!), and you do need to learn to learn from it but also let it roll off your back so you can keep going. Also, I wasn’t going to fire him if he lost track of his place in the presentation, forgot to speak to the audience and just read the slides, failed to catch a typo, etc. we put you up there so you can learn – we are not expecting perfection – and only put you up there if we think you can do it.

      2. This. Definitely not a comment men get.

         I also think setting and audience really matter here, and that makes it bad advice. I do a lot of speaking and will work in a minor joke at the beginning or have a bit of banter with a fellow speaker or moderator or reference the audience in a friendly way. I think that can come across as not taking myself too seriously. But in the situation described–delivering bad news to a very senior audience–my tone would be quite different.Yes, strive for approachable. But focus more on a tone of “factual and explanatory.” Your audience cares much less about whether you are stilted or not with your delivery than what you are actually saying and whether it’s accurate and your helpfulness in leading them to improvement.

         1. I have given this exact note to at least three junior male colleagues.

            1. Same. And my best advice is don’t let gender politics into your head so much. You’ll be a lot more effective if you can take advice without putting it through a litmus test first.

7. i’m ready to cut the amazon cord. it feels a little like saying i’m no longer going to use power steering.

   1. It’s hard. I cancelled my WP this weekend and all my subscribe & save items. Will also return something I was on the fence about. But I still have the Whole Foods shopping and occasional need to buy stuff that is hard to find elsewhere. Also, my kids still use Prime (but solvable since I want less screen time for them anyway).

      What are you considering as an alternative? I find the Target webS*te to be awful to navigate. Not sure if it’s because I am using my iPad to look for things but half the time, things don’t load so I can’t actually add a water filter to my cart no matter how much I refresh and try.

      1. I don’t use an iPad, but I use the target app on my phone constantly (we order 90% of our groceries from there) and go back and forth between my cart in the app and laptop browser with no issues. Maybe just the iPad app is bad?

      2. The iPhone app is amazing. I probably use it 8-10 times a month if not more.

      3. I use the iphone app consistently, and don’t have this problem. I also don’t have it when I search the Target webs*ite on my computer. I wonder if its a problem with your ipad?

   2. I did this years ago (in 2019) and I found that I spent much less money overall. The biggest help is to just keep a shopping list on your phone as you think of things you need and get them when you are running other errands, rather than ordering immediately in the moment. I stop at a pharmacy or target 2-3 times a month max and never have an issue with running out of basics. I almost never order them online, unless I am sick or something. For everything else — do you really need to buy it at all or are you just going to end up decluttering it in a few years? Adding that little bit of friction around buying stuff has saved me tons of money and space.

      1. Someone on here mentioned that you can share a “notes” page on the iPhone with another person and collaborate on a list. That has been really helpful with my non-grocery lists with my husband.

      2. I had a similar experience. I canceled prime in 2020 and find I just buy less stuff overall. After Bezos made the decision to not endorse anyone for president, I’m mulling over how to stop going to Whole Foods, as well. I have a handful of items I get there that I’ll need to find alternative sources for, but I think I’m done with them.

   3. I totally get it. Choosing to get off of it or not be on it in the first place can seem “big.” We have kept ours but don’t use it nearly as much as we did when we were in a large metro. I thin now that we are in a more rural community the prices are actually higher or some thing simply not available on Amazon? Anyways, I applaud your choice and let us know how it goes.

   4. I rarely use Amazon anymore. So many of the products are cheap and shoddy or flat out counterfeits. The reviews are mostly fake and therefore meaningless. Prime Video, the only feature worth using, has ads now. I can find whatever I truly need from a reputable online store or in person. Once you break the habit of waiting until the last minute to buy toilet paper or whatever you realize you don’t need Amazon.

   5. We use Target pickup for necessities and a local grocer instead of Whole Foods. Etsy for household things like candles.

   6. I leaned on amazon during the worst of the pandemic supply chain issues, but have not paid for prime in years (I dropped it once no one in our house qualified for a student discount). Bezos and his drama aside, the prices on the platform are no longer cheaper than elsewhere online or in person even if you are disciplined enough to not succumb to buying more than what you plan to purchase in the first place. And when we would take up an offer for a free month of prime, the free shipping generally turned out not to be free because prices themselves were often higher for the same item (which I could see if I search for things without being logged in). Further, prime shipping is no faster than non-prime if you don’t live near a large metro area.

      Personally, I realized there really are plenty of other sources for the things I want to buy and habits can be changed.

   7. I’m curious which part of it is most difficult for you. That would steer my response about how best to do it. For me, the ease of just hitting “buy now” and it showed up was most appealing. So I keep a list of things I’m thinking of buying or that I need and the group my errands for when I’m out. The fact of the matter is that you can find the vast majority of what you need within a few stores.

      If your biggest issue is being able to get stuff without planning ahead or something else entirely, then others might have suggestions!

8. for once commenting on the featured item- even with the disclaimer, it’s still a no. The colors don’t offset the 80s vibe – they augment it! Looks like a video game background from my childhood.

   1. it totally does. i had an esprit mock turtle neck with coordinating legggins in 4th grade that was pretty similar. but i don’t know that that makes it a no….

   2. I thought the same thing… Q*bert came to mind.

   3. I absolutely LOVE this cardigan! The colors, the print, the border detail, everything! Sadly it is not in my budget.

   4. Yes, it reminds me of one of those paper cups from the 80s. Hard pass.

      1. To me it looks like airport carpet circa 1985.

      2. LOL, it’s those cups in dark mode.

   5. I like it but this is a color scheme that I am often drawn to and then get sick off once it’s in my closet.

   6. I expect this to be in a thick, scratchy, acrylic yarn just from looking at it. I’m sure I had a cardigan like this when I was in elementary school!

   7. To me the print looks like an attempt to camouflage with a bus seat.

   8. I really like it, and likely will buy it. But I am a big fan of color and patterns in general.

   9. You say all that like it’s a bad thing!

   10. The only thing I miss from the 80s is the stirrup pants.

       1. Ha, that’s the only thing I don’t miss. A lot of them were too long for me!

          1. Too-short stirrup pants were their own special form of torture!

9. Talk to me about pants styles for this fall/winter. Wide, straight legs? Cropped or not? If cropped, do they work with ankle boots?

   1. i don’t have an answer. i don’t know if my proportions are wonky but i wore boots with short cropped jeans and what i thought were knee socks but i still had visible bare calf when i sat.

      1. I find it really hard to get the leg length and the boot height to work together. I hate it when the pants get caught on the top of my boot when I’m walking. It’s just too fussy for my liking, I guess, so I’m skipping anything cropped. I’m back in my flare jeans era. It’s a dicey choice because I did that the first time around, but I just really prefer full-length pants when it’s not sandal weather anymore.

   2. Yes.
      Wear what works best for you.
      I know that’s frustrating, but many different cuts are all available and on trend at the moment. In the winter, I switch from wide leg flares and crops (my summer preference), to straight leg or narrow leg pants. I’ve discovered I really dislike wide-leg pants with closed shoes (oxfords, sneakers, and boots all feel too heavy for my taste, with all that wide fabric), and I don’t have the higher-shaft boots I would need to be able to wear the cropped pants.

      This winter, I’m also going back to wearing a bootcut jean, because the silhouette works for me, but am having to work carefully so I don’t feel like I’m wearing them the same way I did for about a decade.

   3. All of them and yes, they all work with boots.

   4. I’m not a fan of wearing trends for the sake of wearing trends. If it matters at your place of work whether you are on trend or not, by all means wear the wide legged pants even if you’re not 100% enthused with the look on you. Otherwise, suit yourself. I’m not wearing true skinnies any more, because it is dated and I have enough age on me that I don’t need that vibe. But I do wear ankle crop close fitting trousers, think Treeca Pant in Good Wool from Theory, as I think they are classic. I’ll also wear a flare crop with booties. For inspiration and guidance on pairing booties I like to look at the full length photos from sellers of booties and assess first what looks I like and don’t like, and secondly what of the likes would work for me. Personally I like to look at Theory, Rag & Bone, and Stuart Weitzman, ymmv.

      1. Honestly, Kate Middleton continues to be my style guide and she still wears skinnies. I’m not sure they *are* dated anyway. I’m certain I just read an article where they are back in style. Anyway, all this to say trends don’t really matter because they keep changing–find what suits your body and keep moving forward.

         1. +1

   5. I see flares all the time now, but what rise are we wearing? Is it high-rise flares? Mid-rise? 1″ zippers like the prior time around with these? I often wear sweaters, so I may just rewear in stealth mode, but I am now appreciating how a too-low rise makes me have a muffin top. I’d like a bit less exposed skin but also don’t like a waistband crushing my ribs or making me have a camel toe.

      1. Mine come up to just below the belly button. IDK if that’s considered high rise or mid rise these days.

      2. There is no “we.” I have a super-long rise and high-waisted pants are my preferred style and are very comfortable. But they aren’t for you, because your body is different from mine. So we both have to decide a) what rise measurement is best for our bodies, and b) how much we care whether that measurement matches what is currently trending for pants. I prefer pants that sit at my natural waist or just a bit below it. I’m feeling pretty lucky that what I prefer happens to be on trend for a bit. But if zipper lengths went back down to super-short rise, I’d laugh about it and choose to bypass that trend, because it doesn’t work for my body.

      3. You need to just figure out what rise is most comfortable/flattering for your body shape. Let go of these arbitrary trends. What is acceptable is broad these days. Focus on your outfit, not these minutia. We aren’t in high school anymore.

   6. I need this advice too. I’ve been in ankle pants for too long.

      I just 100% do not miss wet hems in wet weather!!!

   7. For those who are still into straight legs (not skinnies) these pants have been great.

      https://a.co/d/iaSPduH

      I’m on the tall side and often find mid rise too low and annoying. This rise is high enough that I don’t have to keep pulling it up, but it’s also not the super high rise that feels constricting on the waist all day.

      The fabric is nice and soft, like a slightly brushed cotton, and the legs are a good not too skinny width at the hem.

      I’m a “uniform” dresser so once I find a pair of pants I like, I buy multiples, and I’m about to buy my fourth pair of these.

   8. I just got back from Paris, and everybody on the street was wearing wide straight legs, not cropped but not fully covering the shoes. I was wearing tighter-fitting flares and felt a little frumpy.

      1. HIgh rise.

10. Talk to me if you are 50+. I went from irregular periods to constant bleeding in my 40s to the pill to HRT 2 years ago. I’ve now had some light spotting / staining about 60 days apart. Both after high activity times (was moving the first time). I have an appointment, but not for 3 weeks. Is this ever not a really bad sign? Or how it goes? I’m 54.

    1. it is not a really bad sign.

    2. It seems perfectly normal that you are having light and irregular bleeding in the lead up to not bleeding at all.
       But I also think this must just be very different for everyone, as the only issue I’ve had at 51 is the slow fade of my period – slightly heavier for 12 hours, overall shorter, and at irregular intervals, for the last two years.

    3. Why would it be a really bad sign? Sounds like you’re going through menopause in your mid 50s which is normal.

    4. It’s unlikely to be a really bad sign. Get it checked out just as good practice, but try not to worry.

    5. I’m confused… Are you menopaused, and that’s when you started HRT?

       If you are menopaused, any bleeding is a concern and should be investigated. 3 week appointment is fine. Yes, the big concern is cancer, but the likelihood is still very low. Things can sometimes be a bit irregular as you are moving into menopause.

11. I still wore my skinnies casually last winter. I tried them on last night. I must be used to looser pants because I honestly could not tell if they were too small or just felt much tighter than I’m used to. Pants are funny.

    1. Yes I can’t stand the feeling of skinnies anymore. Too constricting on my legs

    2. I still wear mine! I hate the feeling of air between the fabric and my legs. It feels very cold.

    3. I’m like you. I put on my skinnies now and they feel so tight I am shocked I used to wear them! And my weight hasn’t changed that much. I’m just transitioned to a different style.
       Pants are definitely funny.

12. I’m on a tough, long work trip: 4 weeks, 90 hour weeks, in an area with meh at best food options.

    I’m stressed with work, and food is really the only thing I have control over (and due to the options, it’s limited control ).

    As a result, I’m eating my feelings/stress and relying on comfort food (which, is really all that’s available in this area anyways. Cracker Barrel is the good option here!). I try to fit in a quick strength circuit when I have energy, but that’s been happening 50% of the time at best.

    Any tips on how to stay healthy while slogging through this?

    1. Eat from the grocery store sometimes. Get a big Tupperware bowl and eat bagged salads with deli or pre-cooked meat; grab a can of soup sometimes, eat the healthier frozen meals, get a grilled chicken fast food sandwich and microwave a steamer pack of frozen vegetables.

       1. I’m not sure any of these foods will make you feel good. I feel like they are just pretend healthy. Maybe just suffer through apples, oranges, and boiled eggs until you’re able to figure out the best food options.

          1. Yes suffering is always the right choice long live the puritans god forbid someone try to just add some healthy things instead of just eating almonds

             1. Deli meat and canned soups aren’t healthy–this is the point. They’ll just make her feel sluggish.

             2. “Eat a salad” was the suggestion with deli meat.

             3. Bagged salad is not a magical health food. It’s mostly roughage, which is totally fine! But it’s not really providing the life changing benefits commenters seem to think. Good yogurt might be a better alternative.

             4. Personally I think that this was good advice. Assuming OP has a refrigerator, I definitely would count bagged salads with deli meat or pre-cooked meat (I’m thinking rotisserie chicken) as healthier than probably anything from fast food or Cracker Barrel.

                Other ideas:
                Guacamole cups (by the salad bags in my grocery store :)) + salsa + tortilla chips.
                Baby carrots + hummus.
                Apple slices + peanut butter cups
                Mason Perrier Sparkling Water + a squirt of lime juice

                Leaning into the single size portion containers. It’s not what I love for my every day life since they’r more expensive and higher waste, however for very busy stressful times I think you need to give yourself the grace and use these tools.

             5. I’m sorry now leafy greens aren’t healthy enough for you?

             6. Leafy greens have their place in the world. I would barely categorize them as “food.”

             7. I would categorize leafy greens as the primary food. They are literally the most healthful thing you can eat. Would it be better if they weren’t in a bag? Sure. Is OP going to make a salad from whole vegetables on the sink in her hotel bathroom? Unlikely. I highly highly recommend you add leafy greens, in quantity, to whatever else you are eating. And the rec is not to just eat leafy greens.

          2. Why would her suggestions be unhealthy? There are plenty of good options out there for things like bagged salads, canned soup and frozen meals.

             1. Well that poster thinks that leafy greens are barely food so I’d just ignore her

          3. Can’t imagine how awful I’d feel if I just ate apples, oranges, and boiled eggs for even one day.

    2. I tend to reset my thinking around these kinds of situations and view food as the fuel I need to get through the slog so I intentionally pick food that will make me feel physically good. It’s really the only time I eat in a very purposeful healthy way and I think that what makes it work is that I know I will be more likely to function well if I make these kinds of good choices whereas in my day to day I know I can get away with stuff more. I’ve basically adopted this during law school exams and have stuck with it pretty easily precisely because I can feel the effects very quickly and it’s become very self reinforcing for me.

       1. Oh and for specifics – I will go with a lot of veggies or sliced apples for snacks and eggs and soup for meals. Even in a limited food options situation, you can come up with a few okay options. I remember studying for the bar and basically having the same veggie and cheese sandwich for lunch every day for lunch and it was librating to not have to think about food once I settled on something that worked.

    3. Thanks all – I, unfortunately, travel like this somewhat often so I’m used to finding healthy ways to eat.

       It’s more that this project is bad and the combo of that + being away from home is taking a toll on me mentally so I only really want comfort food. I’m eating worse than I ever have in my life because at the end of a long day I’m coming back to an empty, crappy hotel room, in an area where I have no friends, and I don’t have time or energy or ability to do things that fill up my cup.

       I finally had time to fit in a quick trail run the other day and I was shocked at how much fitness I’ve lost.

       1. Subsitute comfort TV and decaf tea for comfort food?

       2. Slip in a light walk before bed and go through some yoga stretches when you get back from the walk. That will help you unwind (and keep you away from food).

          It’s four weeks. You can worry about strength training and endurance later. Right now your body is saying you need to transition to lower stress.

       3. Huge hug. I had a period like this in my life and the biggest helpful thing for me was to figure out what was rejuvenating vs numbing and try to do the rejuvenating things more often. (For me- walking with podcasts, reading, a delicious baked good, a fancy coffee are all rejuvenating. TV, fried foods, candy are all numbing.)

    4. Cracker Barrel has cooked apples as a side, along with fresh fruit (which was good at 2 recent visits). Have the soup and the veggie sides and all the fruit. You’re welcome!

    5. if you’re a public servant of some kind, thank you for doing whatever it is that you do because that sounds really really tough

       1. I am a public servant. Thank you.

    6. Comfort food to me means the food is hot and salty. While chips fit this formula perfectly, so does store-bought soup. Although I’m not claiming store bought soup is as good. If you have a microwave, would store bought soup help fill that comfort food need?
       When I want to just binge eat sugar for comfort, I have started buying Halo Top, Yasso, or Nick’s ice creams because I can eat the whole pint (Halo Top and Nicks) but consume far fewer calories and sugar and allegedly has protein too. Those definitely scratch my itch.

       1. Oh yeah, these are options–a good quality icecream has a lot of benefits, as does a good plain greek yogurt where you can add honey (if you want to travel with honey.)

          1. This board has gotten so weird about food. We have advice above that salad greens are no good but eating a pint of ice cream is healthier? Come on.

             1. The Atlantic did an article about the health benefits of ice cream not too long ago: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2023/05/ice-cream-bad-for-you-health-study/673487/

             2. If I were traveling for work, was in a down state because of lack of energy or things to feel good about due to location far from home, in no universe am I going to find solace in a bag of salad greens and weird salad dressing. Maybe some cucumbers, cream cheese, and lox are an alternative?

             3. I’m sure they don’t advise you to skip vegetables and think you’re getting all of your nutrition from a pint of ice cream.

    7. At least for snacks, buy a lot of cut fruit and veggies from the grocery store. For food, I agree focus on food as fuel. You need “brain food” to be able to do all this so its not the time to say “no carbs” or anything, but do focus on food that will keep you full (fiber, protein) and has some vitamins (vegetables etc).

    8. Popcorn and baby carrots with hummus for in-room snacking. With a side of peanut M&Ms and a banana or a pear. And a whole container of plain Fage Greek Yogurt per day. You can do this!

13. Has anyone tried this year’s iteration of the BRF merino mock neck? Worthwhile?

    1. Haha, I’ve been looking for something like this so will also read w interest.

14. I think that therapy would be helpful but I’m feeling panicky about how to start. Do you just email providers? What do you say? I have no legitimate problems, I just feel anxious and overwhelmed and like I have a short fuse. “Hi, I’m emailing you because I have no real problems and yet I’m anxious all the time?” What happens in a session? This is all very embarrassing for me.

    1. Here’s what I did – maybe some part of this will be helpful for you, too.

       I went to psychology today’s site and filtered for providers near me who took my insurance and treated anxiety. I went down the list and opened new tabs for about 10 of them, then read their bios to see if I thought they might be a good fit (closing any tabs that were for folks who didn’t seem like they’d work for me).

       I opened a doc on my laptop and typed up a short message (which was almost exactly what you typed here! plus a line asking if they were taking new patients) and emailed the same thing to all of them. As they responded, I added their contact info and response to my doc.

       I waited about a week, and then scheduled with one of them. She worked out, but if not, I would have moved to the next person on my list.

       Note that a lot won’t respond at all, or won’t be taking new patients, so it’s good to contact a decent number. I think I contacted 8 and got positive responses from 3.

       1. I am seriously shocked you got any responses at from therapists who supposedly take your insurance. I’ve never ever found someone who wasn’t private pay, and those that take insurance never respond to calls and emails from me asking about being a patient.

    2. That is a great thing to say! The first session will be intake where you tell them all about you and then they will work with you to explore your anxiety and overwhelm. Try not to be embarrassed!! You’re doing a great thing and they hear exactly this alllll the time.

    3. This is also something that your EAP could help with if you have one!

    4. You can just say “hi, are you accepting new patients? I’d like to talk to someone about my anxiety.”

    5. This is exactly the type of thing therapists hear all the time, so there is no need for embarrassment. Their job is to help you get to the root of your anxiety, and to help you figure out how to manage it (including maybe talking about meds). In terms of finding someone, what’s worked for me before is getting a list of everybody who’s in network in my geographical area (and who’s a woman, because that’s something I want), and then looking up people’s websites to find somebody who looks nice/seems like a good fit. It’s okay if you don’t groove with the person you pick after a session or two – you can always try somebody else. Good luck!

    6. “Hi therapist, I hope you’re well. I’m looking to establish a therapy relationship. Are you accepting new patients? If so, what is your availability for a quick screening call?”

       You don’t need to put anything more into writing.

       1. In fact, it’s best not to; many therapists request that PHI not be put into introductory emails.

    7. Does this thinking about it this way help?

       Therapists who have openings are glad to hear from potential clients (you)! You don’t need to explain what you’re dealing with in the initial email — that’s more to determine if they are available and/or take your insurance. Many will be willing to set up a brief free intro call, which you can use to tell them a little bit, see how they respond and determine how you feel about them.

       If you’re feeling anxious and overwhelmed, you don’t need whatever you would label a “legitimate problem” to justify how you’re feeling! That’s the whole premise of therapy.

       The right person won’t make you feel embarrassed, and in fact should respond in ways that help you feel some relief from feeling understood. So if you run into anyone who makes you feel even more embarrassed than you already are, just know they are the wrong person and run far away in the other direction.

       Hope you find the support you deserve. Hugs from this internet stranger. xoxo

15. I have lately had quite a few nights where I wake up at 4-5 am unable to fall back asleep. Trying to figure out why this is happening and how to fix it. Has anyone struggled with this and found any patterns to it or things to do to help it?

    1. Lifelong insomnia sufferer, no advice just commiseration

       1. You aren’t alone.

    2. Is it the week before your period? That’s when they hit me. I’ll give it 15-20 minutes to try to go back to sleep, but if that doesn’t work, I’ll just read until my alarm goes off.

       1. how old are you? i found it started at around 40 and pretty quickly. Try all the basic stuff– are you waking because you have to pee? stop drinking earlier… that sort of thing…

    3. Magnesium glycerinate helps me with this.

       1. +1

    4. How old are you? Mid 40’s or older? Did you have any alcohol in the evening? Single glass of red wine? You’re describing my perimenopause symptoms. Started with red wine, now it’s pretty much any alcohol. I cannot look at my phone or that is it, I’m awake. Sometimes I can manage to avoid waking all the way up and sometimes I can’t.

    5. For me, 1am wake up is alcohol, 3am is coffee after 2pm, and 4-5am is that I am not eating enough and hunger is waking up.

    6. Has a change of seasons caused a change in your HVAC usage? When I need to switch from fresh air to either heat or AC, my sleep is definitely affected.

    7. i agree with the others that this seems to be, for me at least, related to my peri and cycle. i like to download a book i’ve read a million times and listen to the audiobook; that usually relaxes me enough to get back to sleep or at least stop the doom spiral in my head.

       the other time this happened i had started a new job and gotten married and just had a lot of anxiety and upheaval in my life in general.

       1. This is what I do too if I wake up in the middle of the night – reading, or an audiobook, helps distracts my brain and fall back asleep. To add – change locations if you can, rather than stay in the same bed where you’re tossing and turning. Go sleep on the sofa or in a guest room. Seems to help!

    8. When it’s been blood sugar drops, eating more proteins and fats and fewer carbs in the evening (and zero alcohol) has helped me. When it’s been histamine dumps, taking my Xyzal or Claritin in the evening instead of in the morning seems to have helped. When it’s been hormonal, getting off hormonal BC has helped.

       I also avoid any caffeine past noon, since it can make it a lot harder to fall back asleep after waking.

    9. Can you tell if something specific has woken you up? Like need to use the bathroom, bad dream, restless legs, back pain etc…?

       If not, has anything changed in your life recently? Health wise, or life/stress wise?
       This wake-up pattern is common when anxiety levels may be up. Do you trend in the anxious direction?

       I have a few strategies for when this happens. If my mind is going/thinking/worrying, I quickly write down what I am worrying about. “Call boss in the morning to talk about meeting strategy…” or whatever.
       Now that it’s on paper, it flies out of my mind. Crazy but true. To distract myself from the mind noise, I turn on a podcast / radio station on my phone or Alexa device (on sleep timer) and am usually back asleep in 5 minutes or so. If you are into mindfulness stuff, you could do one of the sleep meditations on your phone/App, body scans, or simply breathing/backwards counting. Once you practice these, they can be very effective.

16. Hello, hive! My family is going skiing in Beaver Creek, CO this December. My husband grew up skiing but this will be the kids’ (12 and 13) and my first time. We live in the south and I have very little experience with “real winter,” so I want to make sure I have all the appropriate gear so we aren’t freezing the whole time!

    I know we need ski jackets and pants and merino base layers, and we will be renting skis, poles, boots, and helmets. What else would you recommend? What about for apres ski?

    Also any tips/encouragement on learning to ski as a not-especially coordinated adult would be much appreciated!

    1. My number one advice is to make sure that you and the kids are all signed up for ski school. Lessons are so, so helpful.

       1. Definitely lessons. I know lots of people who learned to ski as a adult. But I recently went on a trip with a beginner friend who was hoping to just pick it up and her fiance was supposedly going to teach her but instead she was terrified and everyone else was waiting around and the whole thing was miserable. Put yourself and your kids in lessons, let your husband enjoy the hills.

          1. +1

             Skiing is a great sport, but it is also more dangerous than most. It can be challenging starting as an adult (college age), and no longer being “fearless”, if you know what I mean. I also saw two friends (beginners like me) have wipe-outs that lead to serious injuries. I learned about the ligaments of the knees and how twisting in a bad landing on skis can tear them and then things are never quite the same and surgery is your future. Nevermind the head injuries. My uncle broke his back as an adult when another skier crashed into him.

             So that being said, definitely go with the classes and only ski at your level.

    2. Personally I prefer fleece and silk long underwear to anything merino wool based. Second the sign up for lessons. And stay on the green runs for your first go, that’s doable after a lesson.

       1. Lands’ End is 50% off right now with free shipping over $50, including silk long underwear, kids’ snow pants, etc.

    3. Learning to ski on vacation sounds very expensive and miserable, I say that as a seasoned skiier. I think to make this trip okay your husband needs to agree to watch over at least one of the kids, otherwise I suspect he will go off to the fun runs and leave you to struggle with the kids on the bunny hills.

       1. OK, but how else are people supposed to learn to ski?

          1. If people aren’t close enough to drive to the hills for a weekend they probably shouldn’t learn to ski just from an environmental perspective.

             1. is this a joke?

             2. You must be joking.

             3. This sounds right to me. But if you’re determined to do it, I found snowboarding easier as a beginner (with lessons) than skiing.

             4. LOL. What?!

       2. This is so stupid. Put them in ski school obviously they’ll learn and have a great time. Mom also does lessons. Don’t discourage people from learning new things.

       3. I disagree. It sounds like a fun trip and I don’t see why it would be a negative thing to ski with kids. 12 and 13 and great ages.

       4. No way, tweens go to their own lesson group. Nobody wants to ski with old slow mom. Those kids will be off on the main trails in like an hour.

       5. Disagree, especially depending on where people live. Colorado has absolutely beautiful snow that can be easier to learn on than all the places with icy hills (of course, this may change with climate change). If they have the money for a trip and ski school, sure why not! Learn to ski at one of the best hills in the country. I’d sign up for multiple rounds of ski school across the week. Possibly let your kids do ski school every morning, then switch off with adults in the afternoon. For yourself, do as much as you feel after taking a few lessons. Take the kids to a sledding/tubing hill one day.

          It just depends on how much money you put in. Also you get cookies at Beaver Creek. Live the high life. Do apre ski, like every other Texan (perhaps you’re not Texan, small joke) who goes to Colorado ;) You’ll be much better the next time you try skiing.

          1. Several more thoughts. Beaver Creek is a big ski hill. I would have everyone try skiing, not snowboarding, unless the kids really, really only want to snowboard. Beaver Creek has tons of nice, rolling Blues if you take to skiing well.

             For clothing, I’d get on your local Facebook groups and see if you can borrow clothes for the kids at least from your friends/community. It’s a little safer for the adults to buy clothes if you might go every few years.

       6. Thankfully that would be very out of character for him! The kids and I will definitely be taking lessons though!

    4. First, some encouragement. It is totally possible to fall fully in love with skiing as an adult. I also learned as an adult, and now, if I woke up any morning and you told me I could whatever I wanted to do that day, I would say ski. Hopefully you feel the same way! Beaver Creek is a great place for a first-timer. And if you hate it, the people watching at the Batchelor Gulch Ritz is unparalleled. Just go hang out there and have some fancy snacks.
       Second, invest in lessons. I really think it’s the only way to do it as an adult. Even if you husband has the patience of Job, I don’t think you want him teaching you (or your kids). The instruction at Beaver Creek is very good, but pricey. For your kids especially, ideally it’s an investment in something they will love forever.
       Re: other clothes/gear. Make sure you have warm rubber-soled shoes–ideally ones you can slip on or off. Blundstones, lug-soled Chelsea-style boots, or even Uggs are good for this. Those will be nice to wear to and from the slopes, and you can dress them up enough with nice knits to wear them to dinner off the slopes.
       Good base layers are critical, as are good ski socks, which you don’t mention. I love Smartwool for both these things. You’ll also want good ski gloves (I actually prefer mittens) and goggles, which are generally things you cannot rent and are surprisingly expensive, especially on the mountain. I would shop for those beforehand. Sometimes you can find good options secondhand, especially for goggles.

    5. – Proper ski golves/mittens – mittens are warmer, but gloves are a little easier to carry things with
       – Neck warmer – Turtle Fur is a typical brand for these
       – Ski socks – highly recommend the Smartwool ski socks
       – Snowboots – for walking around the village and lodge
       Eventually you’ll also want to add goggles, but for your first time, I’m sure you can just wear sunglasses. The snow can be blindingly white, so you really need to wear them.
       If you’re just doing apres ski at the mountain base, people will likely still be in their ski/athletic gear. Sometimes I’ll swap out my ski pants for a pair of jeans over my long underwear. If you’re planning to go out in town, I would do jeans, a nice sweater, and some boots.

    6. extra socks, boots to wear when not skiing, good gloves that stay on, something for your neck, something for your head/ears under your helmet. those handwarmer thing. advil bc you will probably all be sore. And have fun!

    7. Mittens over gloves, and grab some hand warmers. You’d be amazed how a great day of skiing can be ruined by ice cold fingers. Socks, too – get the right socks. A bad wrinkle or weird seam in your boot can ruin the day. I’m a big fan of smartwool socks.

       Nix the merino wool base layer and add wicking layers – skiing can be sweaty! I ski a ton and really don’t have any fancy-shamncy base layers apart from basic (like REI or LL Bean branded) long underwear bottoms. Sometimes I just wear my althleta leggings as my base with long smartwool socks. Shrug. I have long underwear, and then on top I wear a sports bra, wicking long-sleeve shirt, and then a fleece before my jacket. Point is, don’t over spend if you don’t know if you’re even going to like it. Yes, there is a “right” or “best” way to dress according to some, but I always say work with what you’ve got for the base layers for the most part, and then see if you like it! If you’re anything like my DH, you’ll do one lesson and then commit to never skiing again. It’s not for everyone, but if you can learn to love it, it can be great!

    8. Proper gloves are also really important. Cold, wet hands aren’t fun for anyone. Expect the rental boots to be somewhere between uncomfortable and super uncomfortable. Make sure you have some layers available so you can adjust how much you’re wearing under the coat and ski pants.
       I also agree with scheduling some lessons. Make a general plan with your husband for who’s going where and when. Be sure to plan breaks for everyone.
       I’m fairly athletic and tried skiing several times with my husband as an adult, since he grew up skiing. Long story short, I never could pick it up and ended up hating every minute of it the last couple times we went. The lessons, going slow, doing bunny hills, all that – I never could get the hang of it and spent the entire day cold and terrified of getting hurt. I hope you have a better experience, but I would recommend having a back up plan in mind if you and/or your kids are miserable after giving it a good try.

       1. Just a counterpoint that I grew up skiing and my husband never tried until his late 20s. He mastered the basics in like an hour and quickly became a much better skier than me.

    9. i’m not a skiier so take this with a grain of salt, but i’ve always preferred silk base layers — thinner and easier to go inside and out without feeling like the staypuft marshmallow man. costco has some good options in kids sizes if your kids are still in those.

    10. -Have you ever spent time at altitude? Take it extra easy the first day or two. I’ve been in CO and UT enough to know I don’t get altitude-sick, but my body definitely knows it’s not getting as much oxygen per breath and I have to remind myself not to go at 100% of my normal exercise energy for the first day or two.
        -Getting professional lessons. Having your husband show the 3 of you the ropes is… not a recipe for a happy trip.
        -Stopping for the day earlier than you think. Deciding “oh let’s go for one last run” when your legs feel ok is usually the one NOT to go on.

        For apres it tends to be casual… my main tip is to just buy base layers that you feel cute in, not because they’re 70% off because they’re the weird colors and you think “oh who will see them.”

        1. +1000 to altitude issues. It’s tough. I’m a seasoned skier, but definitely have been bit by altitude sickness many times. Drink a ton of water. Take advil. Bring kids tylenol/advil if still applicable to your kids.

           +1000 to professional lessons. Private if you can. If not private, be realistic about your true beginner level. Don’t think “I’m sporty, I can do better.” Let the professionals move you if you’re too advanced for the green group.

           With kids, apres ski for me is just dry ski stuff and jeans in place of my pants with snow boots. Unless you’re an influencer or you’re there to be seen, not ski. Just take one thick sweater that fits under your coat, a hat, and call it a day.

    11. Woo hoo! You will all love it. My only tip as an adult is to just take it slow. Don’t try and keep up with your husband or your kids. Get yourself in a beginner lesson and stick to easy trails. It’s a really fun sport even if all you ever do is nice gentle green runs.

        Gear:
        -ski jackets and pants and base layers. I don’t know how far south you are, but if your kids play sports in the cold, they can use long sleeve underarmour heattech stuff (like you’d wear under a jersey). If you have good snow pants, any ladies/girls can easily get away with thicker leggings under the pants vs buying new stuff. The key is you want all exposed skin covered, so think turtlenecks or other high necked clothing.
        -balacavas, ski googles, and ski socks (long, wool, and you want a few pair per person)
        – gloves or mittens. The $$$ you go, the happier you will be in the freezing cold. I ski new england so I have $$$ gloves and my hands are toasty warm when it’s 0 degrees. If you are planning for more like mid 20s, you should be good in lower price gloves and mittens. My fave are down mittens with waterproof leather coating..

        Apres: if you will be walking around town, winter boots or shoes with a good grip on ice. Sorels are what the kids and I wear. LL Bean boots are ok, and I own and love them, but they are pretty slippery on ice. Cotton gloves. Pom Pom hat. If your apres is just the resort bar, uggs are fine.

        Also pack a bathing suit for the hot tub or pool.

    12. The mistake I make most often when skiing / doing snow activites is dressing too warmly. The activity warms you up. It’s miserable to be sweating in layers and layers of heat tech and down once you’re up the hill. It’s ok to be cold when you first step outside to ski. You’ll warm up as you get moving.

    13. Thank you everyone for the tips! We are absolutely doing ski school for the kids and private lessons for me. We are staying right next to the Ritz, so I’m glad to hear there will be good people watching!

17. Can you give me some top pointers on navigating the US public school system? I grew up in France and feel like I’m having so much trouble navigating it for my kids. All the schools feel very big to me for example. They all seem like you could get lost in them, and very… institutional. I feel like my kids go into a black box every day, and I’m not sure what they do all day, though I know they’re very busy. They seem happy. I just feel completely lost. The school sends a lot of communications but not about my kids individually, just school events and there seem to be a lot. It feels like a lot to me. I suppose I feel overwhelmed.

    1. I went to private school and I agree. Public schools just feel so big and like it’s easy to get lost in the shuffle? The largest class I was ever in from k-12 was 18 kids and only because they made an exception as it was the only section of a certain AP. If there was something going on in your life, (provided the family ok’d it) every teacher you had was read in and keeping an extra eye on you. Not sure how that happens in bigger schools.

       I assume you have to be an absolute super star to make a team or get cast in the play or whatever. What do the middling kids end up doing? Who is looking out for them? What opportunities are they afforded?

       Tracking confuses me too – what happens when you’re an all star in some subjects but need help in others? From what I can tell in our district, tracking is all or nothing, rather than by subject.

       The concept of not always having lunch / recess with your friends is wild. Same with short lunch periods and lunches starting so early. That can’t be healthy.

       1. Our public high school is smaller than many (<200 kids per grade) but you definitely don't have to be a superstar to get involved in activities. There are some popular sports like football and basketball where it's hard to participate unless you're really good, but there are no-cut sports like track and swimming as well as tons of non-athletic activities like theater, speech & debate, mock trial, student newspaper, student government, volunteer organizations, band/orchestra/choir, etc. that basically welcome anyone.

          Tracking in our district and I think most public districts is not all or nothing. You can be accelerated in math without taking honors/AP English classes or vice versa. Although many (most?) honors kids take honors classes across the board.

          The whole grade has lunch and recess at the same time, and that's true in elementary school too. Lunch in high school is not particularly early relative to the school day. I think the earliest lunch time is 11:30 and school gets out for the day before 2:30. The lunch times would be early for an office worker who doesn't leave work until 6 pm, but public schools get out way earlier.

       2. My kids are in a very large (3000+ kids) high school in the biggest city in my state. It is a school SYSTEM here. If it weren’t highly regarded and free, we’d be moving or looking around. But private schools are pricey (30,000) and also full, so absent having two alumni parents or donating a building, there wouldn’t be a slot for us. Also, one kid has lunch at 10:30, but school starts at 7:15. None of which is great, but it’s what we’re used to now. College, for these kids, will be a BREEZE.

          My kids are solid but not rock stars. So no sports. In a huge school, maybe there should be 5 basketball teams, but there is just one, so since they only start 5 players and cut all but the top 10-15 players, we’re not playing that; other sports are similar. They lean out and are doing what adults do: running their own race. One is big into music and is in an orchestra and building a band to do weddings (since that is where the $ is for violin and harp players) and scouts. The other is similar. They are all fighting for the same slots at FlagShip Public Ivy State U, so are prepared to get their hearts broken and have a good back-up plan. So I think they will long-term be fine, but it’s a big adjustment from smaller elementary school and a medium middle school. If high school is to help them be independent and good future adults, I think they are tasting that reality a bit now.

       3. as a counterpoint, a certain level of anonymity gave me some privacy as a high school age teen, which I can appreciate in hindsight. At home you might be under the microscope, but if you are one of many at school, it gives you space to figure things out for yourself, with relatively low stakes. Building friendships, navigating different social groups and so on.

          1. Yeah, I went to a pretty big high school and liked it too. I refused to go to any college smaller than my high school for that reason, which ruled out a lot of elite SLACs. In hindsight I think a SLAC would have been the best fit academically for me, but I was probably right that it wasn’t the best fit socially.

    2. I grew up here and find all the communications overwhelming too. In any given week I get emails from the superintendent, the PSO, the principal, the newsletter for my son’s grade (which is supremely confusing because I have to remember which teachers he has for which subjects), individual teacher newsletters. None of those tell me how he’s doing, and I have to log into the grades program independently on a regular basis to stay on top of my nagging. And that’s just my oldest kid’s school.

       My youngest goes to a private school for ND kids and I love that they text us to remind us when there’s a dress-down day or something special happening for the school. Clear, short messages.

    3. I’m from here and my oldest is in 1st. The communication is excessive and lacking, all at the same time. So, I’m with you.

       Here’s what I’d do: I don’t know how old your kids are, but just email the teacher for feedback. I find myself checking in with our first grade teacher every so often to see how DD is doing. It’s usually a very light “she’s doing great!” which is better than the opposite, I suppose. We’re seriously considering private for middle and/or high school. For now, we’re in a strong elementary school, despite the communication challenges. I just feel my perfectly average, lovely daughter is going to be lost in the shuffle as the years go on as she’s neither gifted nor requiring extra services/intervention, which goes to your institutionalized comment.

       You might consider posting on the C-Moms board – lots of school-aged parents over there who I find very helpful. Sometimes just reading what others are experiencing, even if I don’t contribute to the discussion, is reassuring that it’s not just me!

       1. +1, also from here, have a kid in first grade and post on the moms board. Lots of K-12 school issues discussed there.’

          Since mine is still very young the academics aren’t an issue, but we don’t really think that much about the day-to-day of what goes on in school, honestly. The most important indicators are that she’s happy and loves going to school and that the parent teacher conferences are generally positive with no major red flags. And so far both of those things have always been true.

       2. “the communication is excessive and lacking, all at the same time” — this, a thousand times this

          1. OMG, this is my life right now.

    4. The US is a huge place, and this board tends to paint public schools with a broad brush. Schools can be huge or small. Where I grew up, there were about 200 kids/grade in the high school. Where I used to live was about 500/grade level. Where I live now has 130 kids in the entire high school. Public schools in the US are one of our greatest achievements as a country, IMO. Historically, which school a child attends was determined by address. Now, charter schools and magnet schools, as well as other “school choice” programs mean what school a child attends isn’t as tied to address. Typically, though, transportation isn’t provided to schools other than the public school a child is zoned for.
       Funding runs the gamut and is often tied to local property tax/property values, so richer areas have more well appointed (though not always academically better) schools and often more/fancier enrichment and extracurricular opportunities. Rich area doesn’t always mean best school, though, or perhaps “best” in the aggregate, but not the best fit for your family, so don’t assume that not being able to afford a house in the fanciest part of town dooms your kids to a mediocre education.
       Public school teachers love parents who are involved with their kids education in that they read to them at home, encourage curiosity (take your kids to the public library, museums, etc), keep tabs on whether they’re doing their assigned work, reinforce what’s taught in school and ask questions if something isn’t clear or if you’re getting conflicting information. If you do this, your kids will be fine and you’ll maintain great relationships with their schools. Unfortunately, there are a lot of apathetic parents, and a few who take it to the other extreme. Your kid’s school most likely has a classroom portal where you can check up on their grades, assignments due, contact the teacher with questions, etc. If you’re not sure where this is or how to use it, if you have time, stop into the school office or ask during parent-teacher conferences. There are a lot of events and demands on parents’ time. How much you and your kids participate is up to your family what works for you. Where I am now, the trend is for kids to be enrolled in a ton of stuff, but the parents are pretty hands off. It makes it hard on the people who do keep those sports and activities going, so I’d encourage you to volunteer for something at the school (doesn’t need to be a huge amount of time or the entire school year).

    5. This is really normal – my DH grew up in a different country, and he never quite felt confident dealing with school things. Is your kids’ other parent American? Can they take on the bulk of the school related chores? (If you’re the mom and they’re the dad this might not feel intuitive, but no reason it can’t happen.) Beyond that, go to all of the parent teacher conferences and back to school nights, consider joining the PTA (unless you hate that sort of thing), and eventually you’ll start to get the culture of the school. And that culture isn’t just American, but is also specific to your community, school district, etc.

    6. How old are your kids? If they are small, I’d recommend joining/volunteering with the PTA or another parent group just to get to know some of the other parents and school staff. If there is a school site council, the council doesn’t have a lot of power but you learn a LOT about how the school operates if you join or attend the meetings (which are generally public). One of the best things I’ve done is befriend people with slightly older kids, because they often have good ideas about stuff that is important (i.e., math placement at the end of elementary) which can be completely missed/understated because it’s more work for the staff than just shuffling your kid off to the general ed math class.

       I love public schools and think they can be great, but even in the “best” public school, you have to do some advocating for your kid and bureaucracy-navigating that shouldn’t be present but is because the administrators don’t really have the capacity or interest to help or think a lot about kids who aren’t in obvious distress.

    7. You are asking for pointers, so mine is to start volunteering for the school. The more time I spent near other parents, with teachers/staff, and in the building itself, the more I felt like I knew what was going on. I know it’s not easy as a full time working mom, but at least in my school there are plenty of non-work-hour ways to volunteer. My kids are sort of on cruise control. We do quarterly conferences, they are doing great, so there’s just not much to share. My 1st grader gets a biweekly newsletter sent home going over what they are learning which…I don’t care enough to read. She’s well above grade level.
       If I needed to dig into an issue, I know the teachers and they know me but I feel like I’m going to let them do their jobs. The kids can fill me in on what they do all day, or if I care that much I can go volunteer for lunch or recess duty or something.

       1. +1 on volunteering being the best way to get plugged in. I have a bright-but-not-gifted kid who is also very much on cruise control and doesn’t really need any special attention from the school, but I know a lot about what’s going on because I volunteer.

          1. Yeah, my eldest is like that and volunteering gives me more information than I’d have it I didn’t do it. As a rule, public schools in the US have pretty terrible communication. Sometimes I get way, way more info than I need (especially as the kids get older and ought to manage their own assignments), a lot of the information I get is irrelevant, and the necessary or useful information is tough to find. And it’s not about money – my kids’ district pays for several district-wide subscriptions for communication platforms, yet the deadlines are often mysteriously stuck in the middle of an eight-screen email or the one robocall I get in 6 months.

    8. My favorite thing I ever heard about public schools: Public schools are a good idea because the world is a public place. How you are feeling is common. This is a squeaky-wheel-gets-the-grease situation, so if you want more communications about your kids, get in there and ask for them. E-mail the teachers. Call the guidance counselors. Use the portal, as that has tons of useful information. And know that this whole thing is big and overwhelming, but it is prepping your kids for real life.

       1. A mom with kids in college said that my kids would be absolute masters of paperwork by the time they got out of our local public high school, and she’s kind of right. Both are more assertive (respectfully!) than I ever was at their ages, because they know that there is a non-zero chance their homework assignment / volunteer service hour submission / testing spot confirmation is going to get put in a wonky spreadsheet by an overworked administrative assistant so they’d darn well better have a printed copy and screenshots.

          This is unfair, and I do complain about it when I get a chance because it’s deeply inequitable. If I have trouble helping my kid navigate this stuff, how does a recent immigrant to this country who speaks limited English help their kid at all? Some of the worst opportunity-hoarders in our district are people on the g-d school board, who talk about DEI all the live long day but do almost anything to get their kid the tiniest competitive advantage.

18. I can get anxious and overwhelmed at work, and I’ve pinned it down to the fear of messing up and making mistakes. I am … not early in my career. It is under control most of the time, but when I have several big deadlines looming simultaneously, I start having problems again. And then I tend to shut down and procrastinate, which is supremely unhelpful.

    How do you get over this fear of failure? Either in terms of work quality being bad, or not getting stuff done on time? I always hit my deadlines, and my team is known for good work. So I don’t really know WHY I can’t trust myself and calm TF down.

    1. I bet you have some ideas about why? As in, were you like this as a kid, did your family contribute to it, were either of your parents the same or opposite, how did you show up at school as a kid, what happened in your first jobs, how much is tied to other anxiety or performance in non-job areas, etc.

    2. I mean. You treat your anxiety.

       1. Treating my anxiety doesn’t mean I never deal with it, especially when there’s a lot on my plate. But thanks for the flippant remark.

       2. What is with people getting on their high horse to be snide?

    3. I learned the hard way that this is how I personally was managing ADHD (procrastination and anxiety produce a stress response that ultimately improves focus, but cortisol and adrenaline are probably actually worse for me than ADHD meds are).

19. has anyone moved away from Evernote because their free plan is so limited now? trying to decide what to do. i’ve been putting articles and more in there for years!

    1. Yeah, I moved over to Google Keep. I doesn’t have all the formatting features of Evernote, but I’m easily able to view/update notes between my PC and phone.

    2. I pay for Evernote. It makes my life better and Google doesn’t need any more of my data.

    3. I’ve been experimenting with other things – right now I think “raindrop io” is the closest match for the features I care about, but it’s frustrating to think about migrating everything! (I also have years of stuff in evernote…)

    4. I’ve been using Evernote for 10 years for 2 use cases:
       (1) web clipper
       (2) systematic note taking (I love organizing notebooks inside of notebook stacks)

       When my current plan year expires, I’m planning to downgrade to free and keep using just the web clipper for a while. There are ways to explort my beloved notebooks to other systems, but really what plan to do is move my note-taking to Scrivener (paid local software), where I’m working on my first book.

20. I used to be an avid NYTimes reader, but I have not been impressed by their election coverage so I’ve backed down. Literally how do you get all your news? Go to each individual website? Apple News app?

    Also any morning podcast recs would be good

    1. I listen to NPR up first while I get ready every morning

    2. I am reading the print versions of the Economist and listening to the PBS News Hour podcast. That is more than enough news for me, and it has the benefit of not being reactionary.

       I used to also listen to the BBC World Service news program (Global News? I can’t remember), but my commute is shorter now, so I just have time for the News Hour.

       1. I find that NPR has also moved to a more reactionary / cover things that are “spicy” approach than it had a decade ago (like the NYT), so I avoid that, too. It’s a bummer there’s been a MSBNC-ificiation of public radio, and I’m grateful that our public television seems to be avoiding that.

       2. I also read the print version of the Economist. I don’t agree with 100% of their takes, but it seems like it’s one of the few decent news sources out there.

          1. Yeah, I also don’t agree with all of their takes. But I think their takes are intellectually honest and usually fully thought through, and those two features are surprisingly hard to find!

    3. The Daily Mail. Not because it’s the best option, but because it tends to be first to publish stuff and I can do searches for whatever story interests me to see if I can get better sourcing.

       1. Wow that’s embarrassing

          1. Not even top 100 of things that embarrass me.

             1. You have 100 other things you do that embarrass you? Guess that tracks with being a regular daily mail reader.

             2. Who peed in your Cheerios, Anon @ 12:01?

          2. I will co-sign that the DM is fast. I live in the US but not NYC or DC or LA. We had a campus shooting and it was in the DM first even though I bet most DM readers cannot find our city on a map (let alone our state or even know which state our city is in). The were first and got nothing wrong and had maps and pictures.

             1. Exactly my experience. Washington Post takes up to 30 minutes longer for these types of crisis events.

    4. If you’re willing to spend money I would recommend ground news they compile and compare news from different sources and identify ideological bent

    5. I get the headlines from news dot google dot com. They pull from assorted mainstream sources.

       Every morning, I listen to the headlines from CNN 5 Things (the UK woman who starts every broadcast with a jaunty hello is my favorite part) and NPR (just the brief headlines that you get at the top of the radio hour). I follow that NPR’s Marketplace from the day before.

    6. The Guardian

    7. The Atlantic. Subscriber.

    8. The Bulwark for election coverage.

21. I wanted to take my high school kids on a college tour on a day off from school. It looks like at all but very small colleges, they just want you to do a DIY tour based on a map on their webpage. I get that it’s nice to see students at a school (vs touring in the summer), but next year I’ll have a junior and this gets a bit more real. Do you all take your kids out of school for tours where they aren’t interacting with current students? Or just tour low-key on your own and then only bother for a human-contact tour for admitted students? I think we visited low-key and not on official tours when I was in high school, but I only applied to State U schools I was familiar with (and one Ivy that was in my state). I have one kid that I suspect will put a lot of weight on fit and am not sure how to help with that and don’t want to skew her search to the local / familiar.

    1. i don’t know where you are looking. we looked a state universities, small liberal arts schools and they all had in person tours.

    2. I work at a State U and we have regular guided campus tours and info sessions. A tour has limited usefulness though. It helped me narrow down where I wanted to apply, but once you’re accepted it’s ideal to go back for a longer overnight visit in the spring.

    3. My kids’ spring break did not align with the college breaks so we did tours then.

    4. In higher ed, and I would say this is not typical at all. In-person tours are still very much a thing. The virtual tours are for people who may not be able to visit in person. Did you call the admissions offices or anything?

    5. Contact the admissions office and ask. If there is an official tour, you are best off signing up for it; colleges track “contact” from students and it can be a factor in admission.

22. For those that are following the campaign closely, is there a schedule posted in advance for Harris events between now and the election? Reason I ask is I live in the Phila area in the suburbs and my sister wants to visit and would need a ride to and from the Amtrak station. Having sat for over an hour on highways that were closed last week because Harris was in town and then enduring horrendous traffic in the city pretty much all day as people diverted into the city – I’d like not to repeat that. And an Uber would run into the same issue. Living on the NJ side, local trains to my area aren’t a great option. Her schedule is flexible so if we know that Harris will be moving all over town on a given day, she could just travel before or after that. Seems like the newspapers only say a day or two in advance where she’ll be and her website talks more about events YOU can be involved in like door knocking rather than official campaign movement.

    1. No help here about election event schedules, but just wanted to note — welcome to the world of those of us who live and work in Washington, DC! Mapquest and other GPS apps can assist in avoiding traffic and finding “bail-out” routes. I was in Atlanta earlier this year when there was a presidential visit; Mapquest remarkably re-calculated a route that avoided the closed streets and traffic and saved us a lot of time traveling from one part of Atlanta to another. Good luck!

       1. I honestly didn’t think anyone still used Mapquest in 2024.

          1. It’s an oldie, but a goodie. And it avoided us sitting in traffic due to closed highways, like the OP reported.

    2. I don’t know if there’s a master list, but someone usuallys posts on our local reddit when a candidate is going to be in town (usually someone who is on a campaign mailing list). She’ll be in Raleigh sometime Wednesday morning, so you should be clear that day. Ah, life in a swing state.

23. I have a sweet little shopping request that I’d love your help with <3

    When I was young, my mom used to tuck a pair of Christmas mice – little stuffed animals, maybe 5" tall, dressed in boy and girl Christmas mice outfits – into the scrolls on the top of our grandfather clock. Sort of Hickory Dickory Dock meets 'Twas the Night Before Christmas <3 There was zero whimsy in my young life, and these little mice peeking down from on top of the clock were so special me. Unfortunately, there was a house fire while I was in college and they didn't survive. They were probably just something homemade mom picked up at a craft fair because I've searched online occasionally over the years and never found them.

    Could you help me search for a replacement mice couple? I know I can "search ebay" and "search Etsy" but maybe you all know of a particularly cute Christmas mice couple looking for a seasonal penthouse apartment :) Thanks all.

    1. These are adorable:
       https://www.mailegusa.com/products/mum-dad-mice-in-cigar-box-2?variant=40089251479636&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw7Py4BhCbARIsAMMx-_K5A36hoPhBHIGqKxjQfUAtFP6q4hY1-E3vRh4yUHM9dwbmAagVChAaAn7yEALw_wcB

    2. Christmassy:
       https://www.target.com/p/northlight-set-of-2-boy-and-girl-sitting-plush-christmas-mice-figures-16/-/A-81778819?ref=tgt_adv_xsf&AFID=google&CPNG=Seasonal+-+Target+Plus&adgroup=51-12

       More Christmas vibes, on Etsy:
       https://www.etsy.com/listing/1810236495/christmas-gift-mouse-doll-dollhouse?gpla=1&gao=1&amp;

    3. Try searching for Maileg mice?

       1. If you’re still there, this is the answer. My kids are older now but the Maileg’s were their very favorites.

    4. These immediately came to mind for me! https://www.mailegusa.com/products/medium-christmas-mouse-girl-2

       https://www.mailegusa.com/products/medium-christmas-mouse-boy

    5. More!:
       https://www.etsy.com/listing/1553636122/winter-mouse-couple?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=mouse+couple+dolls&ref=sc_gallery-1-1&pro=1&sca=1&sts=1&search_preloaded_img=1&plkey=fef568dc9f34b9292218bfa79987fde9b490b598%3A1553636122

    6. Yeah, I know a bunch of people with the Maileg mice.

    7. If you have a photo of those mice, you might be able to have them custom made on Etsy or post on Facebook and see if anyone can recommend a local crafter.

       1. https://us.pepalondon.com/products/prince-mouse-big-brother?variant=47237254512939
          There’s a princess to. Not Christmas colors but look like Nutcracker as performed by mice.

    8. Since you mentioned handmade – these sort of do. Any chance they were Annalee ones? They are produced new, and there are vintage ones:
       https://annalee.com/product-category/holidays/christmas/?filter_doll-type=mice&query_type_doll-type=or
       https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/1607598671/vintage-rare-annalee-87-christmas-mice?

       If you can get hold of them, there are some adorable R John Wright ones:
       https://www.rjohnwright.com/products/deck-the-hall-chronology
       https://www.rjohnwright.com/collections/mice/products/copy-of-winter-mouse
       https://www.rjohnwright.com/collections/mice/products/annamarie-chronology

    9. Thank you all so much! These are adorable suggestions, none of which I had seen before :)

24. does the uniqlo website ever work? don’t they want me to be able to just idly browse?

    1. I agree. 80% of my wardrobe is Uniqlo, but I can’t stand to shop on my phone there.

25. I am looking to chose a divorce lawyer in a very small town where my husband has been practicing for over a decade. He knows all the attorneys here. Should I look at the big city or consider hiring husband’s local nemesis?

    We have little kids and he makes 5x the money I do, so I feel like I have a lot to lose. I don’t know how contentious this will be, he would say he has always treated me well and always wants to… but experience tells me that he always puts himself first.

    1. Eeesh, I would probably hire someone in another location. I think if you hire the nemesis, it will start out ugly and end even uglier.

    2. Consider picking the best two divorce lawyers (not necessarily his nemesis) and consulting with them, BEFORE your husband manages to do so. That maneuver may conflict them out of representing your husband in the divorce. Think twice before retaining an out-of-town divorce lawyer, because if things get litigious, it is advantageous to have a lawyer who is familiar with the local courts, local judges, local practices, and local litigation scene in general. This is a challenging situation, and I wish you well.

       1. Agree 100% with all of this.

    3. Find the best lawyers in town and set up consultations. Interview them and see if they are a good fit.

       Don’t worry about “husband’s nemesis” or not. A good divorce lawyer will be able to handle your case even if she sees your husband at a bar association meeting. A nemesis might make it personal and might encourage you to litigate things that aren’t worth litigating.

    4. Hire from the big city, assuming it’s within driving distance of your small town. I would not hire his “nemesis” and risk a disqualification hearing.

       1. (I am assuming that there is more to the “nemesis” story than just “we had a minor conflict at a bar event five years ago).

26. I would hire someone from outside of your town but in your state and hopefully not too far away because you probably will be charged for the lawyer’s time each time the lawyer has to travel to your town for court appearances. I agree that hiring the nemesis is likely to start things off on the wrong foot, and they will not recover. Is there another nearby town who might have lawyers who don’t have relationships, good or bad, with your husband but also might be less expensive per hour than the city lawyers?

27. Elder Millennial here. Everything that was popular in middle school is coming back, and I hate it so much. Maxi denim skirts. I cannot. That cardigan reminds me of the intro to Saved by the Bell. I’d probably ironically wear it if I had a different complexion.

    1. Everything that is in style right now is profoundly ugly. I don’t get it. It was ugly then and it’s ugly now.

       1. I have a tin-foil hat theory that cutting-edge trends are *always* kinda ugly because the wearers’ sheer youth means they can wear deliberately ugly clothes as a statement. When I was 16 and less than 100 pounds at 5’8″ (!!) I wore slouchy men’s pants from the 1970s that were several sizes too big and boys’ Catholic school tees and big Doc Martens boots. I could have worn *anything*! But many of us wore these almost deliberately ugly clothes as a statement of finding ourselves.
          When one gets a bit older, one has to consider “flattering” a little more, heh.

    2. HAHAHAHA, I did see an awful denim skirt in one of the mall windows that reminded me of something I once coveted. It’s a good reminder that I don’t need to acknowledge every trend that comes and goes.

Comments are closed.