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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Easy Circle Cardigan

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This circle cardigan from Leith is getting awesome reviews, and would be great as a light topper for a casual office (or a casual day at a conservative office). I like it as styled here, with a dress, but it obviously works well with skinnier pants for work and leggings and jeans for the weekend. The sweater is available in four colors, and was just marked down from $75 to $45. Easy Circle Cardigan This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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397 Comments

  1. I’m looking for a birthday gift idea for a friend – we live miles apart. For my birthday, she mailed me a card, and inside the card she put a $10 Starbucks gift card and a single sheet mask. I thought it was such a great gift – it fit into the card so she didn’t have to get a box, just a few extra stamps, but it was still a very nice gift. Does anyone have any ideas of something similar I could do for her? I obviously don’t want to just repeat her gift, but something that could fit inside the birthday card would be perfect, and I’d like to spend about $20. Thanks!

    1. Movie ticket vouchers from Costo for AMC or Carmike or similar are about $15 for two tickets and can be redeemed at any cinema in those chains.

    3. Or for other ticket options – museums, a local arboretum?

      Tea or a luxe hot cocoa packet?

    5. If you happen to be near a Sephora or Ulta (or even a drugstore), they probably have some cute little sample packets or lotions or hair masks that would fit inside a card. I’m thinking of all the tiny samples they send me with each Sephora order – tiny but fun to try.

    6. Check out Greetabl gift boxes – the little box unfolds and can have personalized pictures or messages and there’s a little gift inside. A friend sent me one with a bag of tea and pictures of us together and it absolutely made my day.

    7. This is a know your audience kind of thing, but I’ve done fun stamps before and gotten good responses.

  2. Has anyone seen the latest “week of outfits” on Cup of Jo? The look is absolutely gorgeous professional, stylish minimalism. (I’ll put a link in a comment.) I feel certain that I could never pull this look off though. Do you think you have to be some combination of tall, thin, and very pretty in order not to look sloppy?

    2. Not remotely. I don’t even understand this. Girl wears pants, sweaters, cardigans, and dresses. Anyone can pull off that look.

    3. Yes. I love that kind of style. But if I try to dress like that, I look like I just threw on random pants and a sweater. It doesn’t look like a proper outfit. It doesn’t look intentional.

    4. I think it looks sloppy TBH. The clothes are purposefully not tailored and I don’t find the short pants look in the style presented to be professional for anything other than a casual-leaning business casual office. I am slim and tall and it would look sloppy on me just like it looks sloppy on the person in the pictures.

      1. I agree.

        I don’t think a lot of the cuts were flattering.

        I am slim and tall and wouldn’t dress like this. The model to my eye actually looked petite because of the structure of her outfits/lengths/high waists. Things looked so heavy. Not flattering to my eye….

    5. I think she’s got a great haircut and knows what works for her. I think you could replicate it with a small wardrobe of very nice tailored basics. And the lipstick is fab!

      1. +1 on the haircut. That is the first thing I noticed.

        I actually like most of the outfits.

    6. Agree with Anonymous–the blog subject isn’t particularly tall. I do like her look, but I don’t think it’s “fashion blogger unobtainable.” You could certainly replicate the look.

      1. She also used a lot of “mall brands” so it is just a matter of finding the things that work for you.

      1. These look super standard to me, though I probably wear things that fit a bit better / are more tailored.

    9. this might start a fire but she’s white, thin, and pretty. she’s gets a lot of societal goodwill already… as a POC I feel I have to make a super extra effort to look polished. if I go for the bedhead look I don’t get the same respect from the outside world.

      1. I am genuinely not trying to start (or feed?) a fire, but if you read the piece she talks a lot about being Cuban and expectations of beauty around that.

      2. Yeah, I mean I don’t think it’s controversial to say that there are different standards for “put together” based on your background. Each of the traits you describe add an additional layer of being able to be a little less polished (see slouchy clothes like Jo) and still be considered so. As a heavier woman, I definitely can’t go out looking like that and as a curly headed POC I would look like a rag a muffin without perfectly defined curls or hair slicked back.

        In short, I agree with everyone that this look is attainable easily but the level of polished you look wearing varies.

        Also I consider her outfits veering way more casual than business casual.

      3. Thanks, this is part of what I was getting at with my initial question. I’m white, but I’m short, fat, and not so pretty, and I feel like these clothes would have a very different effect on me. I’m sure it’s even more true for for POC.

        1. That’s a really inappropriate response to someone talking about the experience of being a POC in this society.

      5. Yeah – I’m a 40 year old mother. The tousled, unstructured look makes me look like I’ve been in a bunker for the last 20 years.

    10. Am I the only one who thought most of her outfits weren’t formal enough for an NYC law firm? I liked the first one (the all gray outfit) but after that they seemed too casual, especially her baggy, cuffed jeans for casual Friday.

      2. Yes, I agree. She looked comfortable and semi-prof in a couple of them.

        And I actually didn’t like her haircut either. Looks like she rolled out of bed….

        She isn’t a lawyer in a firm – communication specialist?… so she can probably dress more casually.

        Nothing special here.

        1. Yeah, she can probably be a little more casual because she’s in a communications role. That said, when I was a lawyer in big law, I probably would have/could have worn 2 of her outfits (the more monochromatic ones — I like those). I think the more colorful ones might skew a little casual, and are not my style, but I don’t think they’re so casual that they couldn’t be worn on a Friday. Her casual Friday look is cute, but that would be more of a weekend look, in my opinion.

      3. Yup. I didn’t find these outfits (with the exception of the long coat over pants, which didn’t necessarily look like an “indoor” look”) to be very aspirational.

        As others have said, she’s conventionally pretty and that goes a long way.

    11. I liked a few of them (ugh, do I wish I could pull off a dress over a turtle neck and day 2 is similar to what I wear to my business casual office often) but I wasn’t enthralled with the first day (dated to me), and I liked the pieces but not the look on the fourth day. Day five is great. For a Saturday.

      1. You can! Get tissue weight turtlenecks (Target used to have some, so did Lands End canvas) and wear under a sheath or A-line dress that you would normally wear sleeveless. The key is a really thin weight turtleneck that adds no bulk. This is one of my fav winter looks, and it extends the life of some of my fall/spring dresses.

    12. I think you have to make it work for yourself but can follow her themes: Monochromatic, well tailored, sleek accessories, styled hair. I could do without those dresses. Her pants look great. Her sweaters looked a little rumpled to me.

      1. I should say, the cut and fabric of the pants looked great. The length was weird and informal. And made my ankles cold!

    13. I don’t understand the length of the pants. They look too wide at the hem to be cut so short. I’ve seen this on willowy models who look like they’re dressed for the spa, but it just looks odd in an office trouser to me.

      1. +1. The trouser length really confused me. Maybe I got it all wrong? But for this woman, her shtick is clearly a high neckline to emphasize an attractive, healthy face. So I think I won’t take my trouser length advice from her and keep doing what works for me.

    14. Did anyone else find these looks to read really ’90s? The pleated, natural waist gray wool trousers; some of the shoes; the trench coat look…they just seem ’90s casual to me.

      1. I thought it was a mix. The first one looked SO West Wing fashionable to me. I liked Day 2 the best and liked how she pulled off the dress over the turtleneck, but otherwise, yeah, 90s.

    15. I hated every single one of her outfits. Very sloppy, not elegant, not fashionable, not flattering. She’s kinda cute but that’s it.

  3. OMG you guys, the Talbots clearance sale is amazing. I picked up a duplicate of the seasonless wool skirt I already own, a dress, and several tops (I think 5 of them!) for around $150. My younger sister told me to wear more color and I think she’s right so everything except the skirt is pretty-colored and not my usual black/navy/gray.

    For those who like to shop for others, I’m looking for a natural fiber longer cardigan in a shade of pink, anywhere from light pink to raspberry, but not in the fuschia/hot pink category. I’m plus sized, a 1x usually. I’d appreciate any tips. I’m not finding anything. I’m tall so standard cardigans look too short on me.

    1. Check out garnet hill. There is a 25% off sale now and they usually have lots of muted colors.

    2. If you shop at Talbots often (I do), you can also get discounted gift cards for them online – check places like GiftCardGranny, Raise, Cardpool, to stack discounts. I’m usually able to buy one of these gift cards at, say, 20% off face value, and it makes for even better bargains. I already bought some of their sale cashmere and am thinking of going back for more!

      1. I’d be so afraid to get ripped off buying gift cards online. They always work for you?

        1. I’m not Katie, but I used Cardpool to buy HD/Lowe’s GCs when I was doing extensive home renos. They have a guarantee and the cards always worked for me.

  5. My SO is nearing a 4-5 month deployment overseas. I’m searching for ideas to overcome the thoughts of worry I know will preoccupy my mind during that time. Basically I want to keep myself busy and take this time to focus on some self care. So far I have exercising more and reading more. I’m trying to think of classes I could join as well (although my budget doesn’t allow anything overly expensive which also means travel is out). Any ideas?

    1. A few ideas:
      Join a meet-up group to learn a new language or skill
      Yoga
      Train for a 10k
      Write a book (doesn’t need to be a final product, but something to get the creative juices out)

    2. Schedule girls’ nights, even if you just have friends over to play board games or watch trash tv, paint your nails, do nightly yoga from free YouTube videos, join a free/cheap league like volleyball, read with a book club, volunteer at the food bank, etc, etc. My DH is gone a lot (though not as long or worrisome as yours) and it definitely helps to stay busy so you’re not obsessing over him and it makes the time go faster!

    3. See if your local parks & rec department has any fun classes you could take. Our’s always has tons of things that look interesting-everything from swing dancing to jewelry making to pretty much anything in between (though they’re mostly during the work day, but a few evening/weekend options).

    4. – If it’s military or military contractor, are there any spouse/ SOs nearby in the same boat, or even virtual support groups you could join?
      – Join a running group – some running stores have groups that meet on weekends/ weekday evenings
      – And I agree with the previous suggestions for meetup groups and friends nights – maybe a regular brunch hangout, or host a potluck?

    5. This is the time to take up a craft or some sort of hobby that will keep both your hands and mind busy. How do you feel about knitting or sewing? Or woodworking? Or painting? Or finding furniture on the curb and painting it to redecorate your living space? Have you ever wanted to learn home repair? Home Depot/Lowes have lots of free classes on how to do basic electrical/plumbing/tile.

      Basically, see if you can find something that will lend itself to planning and daydreaming as well as DOING.

      (In addition to the above suggestions, of course!)

      1. Along these lines, linoleum block printing is easy and cheap to get started – maybe $50 for tools, a few easy-cut sheets, a couple inks and paper. It requires a lot of attention and repetitive motion – good at keeping your mind and hands busy.

        1. Another thought is scrapbooking- I just made a scrapbook of a recent vacation with all our photos, ticket stubs, etc. It kept me busy while DH was traveling a lot for work, and I now have a great reminder of our trip.

    6. If you want to not have time to do anything but keep busy, take a wheel pottery class. Particularly if you take a class that isn’t 100% beginners, and you have a single competitive bone in your body, you’ll be at the studio every night trying to get that darn clay to do what you want. That’s what it takes to get good at it, and the culture in most pottery studios is friendly and not at all mean, but very focused on the craft. And it can take hours and hours to learn to do something that the instructor makes look impossibly easy.

    7. This sounds like the perfect opportunity for a yoga studio unlimited membership. If I was trying to just wait out some time and better myself, I would go to yoga daily.

      1. I am in this boat and I made a super long list of things I want to do while my SO is gone. It includes lots of apartment things (like decluttering, organizing, upgrading some things, getting art framed, etc), self care things (taking more baths, reading more books, trying to meditate), career things (researching next steps, leaning into my current job), health things (exercising more), and social things (joining a rec sports team, leaning into female friendships, etc). I’ve definitely thought about taking a language class but I am more than adequately filling out my time at the moment and kind of love it! Hugs and good luck to you!

  6. For those of you who are religiously observant, how do you keep your holy day (Fri/Sat/Sun, depending on your faith) and balance it with children’s activities and sports? So many activities are scheduled not only during worship times, but also can easily consume entire weekends.

    1. Is there a religion-oriented organization in your area that has these type of activities? I was raised Christian and did a lot of stuff with the Y. I also went to a religious school; idk if kids who were part of the parish but didn’t attend the school would’ve been allowed to join some of the activities if they wanted to? Might be worth a phone call.

      1. Yes, look for religiously affiliated sports leagues (YMCA, YWCA, JCC, Upward, etc.).

        Ultimately, though, you have to set your priorities. You can’t have it all, especially if you are trying to observe an entire sabbath day. You decide what’s important to your family and lay the ground rules. If that means no sports one day a week, then that means your kids can’t do high-level sports where meets or tournaments last the whole weekend. Those are the difficult decisions we make as adults and as parents.

        1. I grew up very religious, but am no longer practicing. As a kid we did not do sports on Sunday. Period. This meant my brothers did not get to compete in provincials for all the swimming events they qualified for (I wasn’t an athletic kid). They also had to pick and choose what sports to participate in, based on when games were. My brother is still practicing the religion of our youth. He has a son who is a very gifted baseball player. But he won’t play on Sunday, so that really limits the level he can play at.

          I recommend choosing your priorities in advance, and communicating them to your kids, along with your reasons. Then, the decision is already made when the issue comes up.

    2. I think you decide what comes first – the activities or the religious observance. If you want the emphasis on the religious observance, then you don’t participate in activities that conflict with that.

      Maybe that means not doing the traveling sports team on the weekend? Or not scheduling quite so many activities for everyone. The sports stuff only consumes the weekend because you’ve chosen to let it.

      1. + 1

        My kids attend religious school on Saturday mornings, which unfortunately conflicts with lots of birthday parties, soccer, etc. We try to make religious school a priority so we just don’t attend events that conflict. We do make an exception for very close friend’s birthday parties or other important events.

        With that said, next year I am going to try to switch them into a Sunday morning class (they offer both) because more children also have Sunday morning commitments at church and such and I find that fewer social events are planned for Sundays.

    3. Same way my parents did. Say no. We did/do church every Sunday. That means no activities Sunday morning. For us, that’s what being observant requires. We didn’t/don’t do travel sports much for example. I make an exception for once a year or very occasional things but other than that it’s an unapologetic no. Sports are simply not more important to us than church.

    4. Sabbath time is such a challenge for me! Right now in terms of the lad’s activities we are lucky. His main activities (Scouts, basketball and school musical) are not on Sunday mornings, which is our regular worship time. When the Scouts have a weekend trip they often have an interfaith Saturday night service. At least once we have picked the lad up from a Scout trip on Saturday night so he could go to church on Sunday. I think it was both the first day of the new Sunday School year & a day he was serving as an acolyte. Sometimes we’ll bring him to the Saturday night service at our church or the Sunday night service at the chapel at our nearby university. When he was doing wrestling there was a month where there was a competition almost every Sunday morning. We made the other services work where we could and operated on the assumption we’d be at church every other week of the year.

    5. Our Y opens at noon on Sunday and the JCC is the same on Saturday. Agree to maybe start there for kids activities b/c they will not schedule during prime worship time.

      Also, if you are Catholic, many churches offer late Saturday afternoon/early evening mass so you can get it in (olden days: pre-clubbing; now, b/c I want to sleep in on Sunday some times), aka the sinner’s mass.

    6. So, I ask this question seriously and without sarcasm.

      What happens as your children get older and, for example, are very good players at whatever sport. Hockey has tons of weekend practices and tournaments if you play select and you cannot just opt out of them or you will be off the team. How old do your kids have to be before they get to choose what is important to them and what happens if they choose their sport over religion?

      1. We don’t have this as a religious issue, but as a family-priority issue.

        No kid’s sport (or other thing) is going to take precedence in our family. We yield for special events, but generally, we all have to Make tradeoffs (comes with the territory for 2 working parents and 2 kids). I cannot be a hockey mom and a musical theater mom and a travel soccer mom and a tennis tournament circuit mom.

        The most important things are sanity and academics. Any sport you are good at you are welcome to play if the grownups can work it in without sacrificing their sanity or that of the other kid. Same with hobbies. Sports and hobbies aren’t going to send you to college, we aren’t Olympic-caliber athletes or Tony-award hopefuls, and you keep the family priorities until you are a grownup, period.

        TL;DR: I can’t imagine that we wouldn’t be in church most Sundays. I doubt we’d be there 52 Sundays a year b/c life happens. B/c otherwise life would be way too crazy.

        1. This is us. No sports/activities on Sunday mornings with very occasional exceptions – doesn’t matter what level you are playing at.

        2. Yes this. It’s honestly not that big of a deal for us. Our priorities are family time, academics, faith, free time for play, and activities. I support my kids playing sports because it’s healthy and fun but not at the expense of the rest of our lives.

      2. Well, since I’m their mom and I set our family values that’s pretty unlikely. They aren’t playing enough sports now to ever be Olympian’s and don’t seem interested. But for me, at confirmation which in our church is around age 13. At that point you are making an adult decision about your faith and you can choose whatever you want. I’m not skipping church to drive you though! And also those things are all very expensive and also not our priority financially. They can chose not to go to church but they can’t choose to have mommy spend thousands of dollars and all her time on sports. But again I promise you my kids have my Genes are sports aren’t in them.

        1. Many many mothers before you also tried to set the values for their children and surprise surprise…their children turned out to be independent thinkers.

          1. And? They can think however independently they want. But when they are children living in my house under 13, my values rule. They are totally free to be independent thinkers, but they don’t control what this family does. I have no issue with them deciding not to be religious later on at all.

          2. I mean, it is pretty much one of the most important roles of a parent to establish values for her children and to try to align family life to meet those values. I don’t think that’s a controversial statement.

      3. Curious how you also plan to handle it if/when your kids chose to not worship any longer. My mom is VERY catholic and forced us into being altar servers/weekly church/etc. etc. until I was about 16 and flat out refused to go. Cue the many knock down drag out screaming fights until my dad finally convinced her she couldn’t ground me into believing. I’ve seen the same pattern happen with many teens – they become disillusioned or simply have other priorities, the parents who give them room to determine their own path seem to preserve their relationships better.

        1. They have to worship until confirmation. After that they have to attend Christmas, Easter, and important family events whilst I provide room and board but they don’t have to go to church every Sunday and they don’t have to get confirmed.

          1. This was sort of how my parents did it, too; I am and always was an atheist, but quietly complied until the day I didn’t have to anymore, out of respect.

            However, I wasn’t allowed to not get confirmed. I had to. So I picked a name that was mildly ironic, did it for them, and then never go back unless it’s a wedding or funeral.

          3. Genisius here. 1) it’s a dude; 2) patron saint of torture victims and converts; 3) patron saint of lawyers and comediennes

            My essay to the bishop was…pointed.

          4. My confirmation essay was a comparison of the New Testament to Star Wars. Long before Star Wars was in any way, shape or form “cool” or seen as any sort of serious literature/retelling of the hero’s journey/Christ story. It did not go over well, and even worse when I would not admit to having written it to be a smartass (I actually didn’t).

        2. The response for sports, etc. is the same: you don’t get to make the rest of the family run around like beheaded chickens, and you’re still going to have some down time (physical and mental) every week.

        3. My parents required me to attend church while I lived under their roof. I was sullen about it in the last two years of high school because I was in the process of realizing that their faith and mine are not the same. However, I still feel like they gave me the space to do that while maintaining something that was a priority to them.

          I still attend their church when I visit, but when they visit me, we all go to my church. My mother has explained away my transfer of denominations by telling everyone I married someone who is that other denomination, which kind of drives me crazy since I picked this denomination and my spouse was happy to trail along, but that’s a whole different comment. :)

      4. The answer is for the parents not to let their kids try any sport they can’t commit to over the long term. My kid is a competitive gymnast. When parents sign their 5-year-olds up for the team track, they are clearly informed of all the costs and scheduling concerns that will arise in the future. If you can’t commit to the lifestyle, it’s cruel to let your child start down that path in the first place and then yank it away after she’s developed a passion.

          1. I’d like to know where there is a track team for 5 year olds. [And why? why? they run as a means of getting anywhere. Why the need for a team for that???]

            And . . . I have nothing good to say about gymnastics, esp at a high level, esp with young girls. That was true 5 years ago and is even more entrenched now. Body image? Eating disorders? And worse? No thanks.

          2. Team track in gymnastics. Most kids start on preteam at around 5 years old.

        2. Eh, I’m going to push back on this. We signed my kid up for pre-academy and now academy level soccer because he wanted to play at a higher level. Our commitments are for 2 seasons (fall/spring) and each year we will re-assess if this is still a sport he wants to play and does he still want to play at this level. I don’t think he’s committed himself to a lifetime of elite travel soccer. There are plenty of other options for him to play if this turns out to be the right sport/wrong level of commitment.
          I’ll cede that some sports (like gymnastics) may not have multiple rec/club/school options. But the idea that you shouldn’t expose a 5 yr to a variety of activities because of some future level of commitment in 3 years is a bit far-fetched.

          1. Did all of this and don’t regret it. He is now a pre law major at a good college where he was recruited to play soccer. It was a lot of driving but for the most part we had a good time and met some amazing kids and parents along the way. We are still going to the college games and getting to know some great folks via this team too.

        3. Snort. This is ridiculous. You let the kid try the sport as long as you can commit to the season, or for whatever length of time you’ve signed up. Letting Jr go to a tumbling class doesn’t mean you’ve signed on to be a gym mom/dad for the next 15 years. Then you reassess each time to sign up again – both for the feasibility for your family and to gauge kiddos interest. Most of the time the kid is going to have fun doing the thing for the sake of doing it, not the competing, so you can find other outlets. 5, 6, 7, etc yr olds rarely have a “passion” – they just know what they know. If something doesn’t work for the family, you can help them find something that works better.

        4. I was a competitive figure skater which is similar to gymnastics in intensity. I never got to miss school for skating and I was limited in before- and after-school training and going to weekend competitions by what my parents could afford and our other family priorities (which weren’t religious, but my parents sometimes wanted to do other things on weekends or take family vacations or whatever).
          It wasn’t cruel, it was sensible. I didn’t have the talent to go to the Olympics and I’m glad my parents didn’t pull me out of school or bankrupt themselves for a sport I was just doing for fun.

          1. Even if you had had a talent for the Olympics, most Olympic athletes are like most pro athletes — better off if they had junked it to a CPA or other random office worker.

            It is hard to go from walking into stadium as part of an Olympic team to someone cobbling 2-3 jobs together to make ends meet the rest of your adult post-Olympic life.

          2. Former figure skater and current gym mom here. Figure skating is unique in letting athletes set their own practice hours and choose which competitions to attend. Even though gymnastics is an individual sport, practice schedules are dictated by the team and most clubs require athletes to attend all meets. Even Xcel, the “recreational” level of competition, has meet sessions during school hours. My kid is on the regular competitive track (Junior Olympic) and will never go to the Olympics, but she would get kicked out of her club if we opted out of Sunday morning meet sessions.

        5. What?!

          I regularly disappoint my kids all the time. No pony. We can’t have a kitten b/c X is allergic. We can’t do XYZ b/c Other Priorities. Why should sports be any different?

          And pretty soon, Life may start disappointing them also. [So my wallet can’t send you to Harvard, but Harvard probably won’t let you in anyway.]

          So far, they haven’t been crushed by it. I don’t think that they are delicate little flowers. Life is a series of disappointments in which we find joy.

      5. I feel like there is some smugness present when parents of very young children make pronouncements about how sports (or substitute any other activity) won’t take over family life, interfere with religious services, etc. This isn’t about me harboring some fantasy that I’ll be the mother of an NHL star or Olympian. My children attend or will attend a huge, competitive high school. I don’t want them to get lost there, and I want them to meet other kids, from other schools, that feed into this high school. If your kid doesn’t play a travel/club sport, basically year-around, from a young age, that kid simply isn’t going to make the high school team. There is no option, even in my metropolitan area, for my kids’ club/travel sport that doesn’t involve overnight weekend trips and other sacrifices. I also think that parents of younger kids don’t see that it can be a big deal to a team for a kid to miss a tournament. When you’re watching five-year-olds play soccer, it doesn’t really matter who subs in or who doesn’t. But when your eighth grader is one of two setters or goalies or quarterbacks. their absence makes a difference.

        We miss church some weekends, and yes, I feel bad about it. But a blanket rule that your (older) child won’t do anything that interferes means, in my world, that they simply won’t play a high school sport.

        1. Yup. They simply don’t play high school sports. I have high school age kids, Idk why you’re assuming we are all toddler moms! I didn’t play high school sports either. It was great.

          1. They probably can though. Most sports have junior varsity squads. And freshman squads. And guys who are the practice players for the girls teams.

            Maybe you don’t get playing minutes at the varsity level, but there’s a lot of people who are mediocre at sports who still play them.

            And some schools are really desperate to field teams in some sports.

        2. +1000. The other thing parents of very young children who make these smug pronouncements don’t understand is just how much joy a true passion can bring a child. My daughter absolutely lives for gymnastics and has done so since the day she first set foot in the gym at age 4. My parents denied me the opportunity to pursue my own passions, and three decades later I am still bitter about it. I have the financial resources to make it happen and no other children whose lives are affected, so I am more than happy to support my child’s dream. She has gained so much from gymnastics–a wonderful group of friends, coaches who are fantastic mentors, amazing fitness, and grit and resilience.

          If we had said “No meets on Sundays,” we would have been choosing to kill her dream. If your family prioritizes religious observances above all else, that’s a legitimate choice to make. But you do have to make the choice. You can’t have it both ways–church before all else and sports too. Life just doesn’t work that way.

          1. Most of us have >1 child. Short of hiring a nanny just for a kid’s sport, this sort of thing isn’t going to happen.

            We encourage lifetime sports like tennis and golf, that you can play independently at any level, regardless of being on a team or not. And hiking. And running. And skating (short-track skater here).

            I hate that the hyper-organization and hyper-focus that has come so early to kids sports. I think it’s bad for kids and definitely bad for families (especially for working moms). It’s like there is no medium left (and certainly no unstructured time). Balance, y’all. Balance.

        3. Every single one of my siblings either set some sort of record in sports (school, etc.), or was team captain, and we never had to do this. Big age range, so my information isn’t exactly out of date.

          Also, one of my parents coached a sport (which we weren’t even playing at the time) to the national level, and… none of the kids on the team did this.

          Acela corridor, if you’re asking location.

        5. Yeah, and so? Neither my husband or I played sports in high school and we did juuuuust fine, thanks so much for asking! We both got scholarships for other activities we participated in and left undergrad with very little debt. I really hope your push for your kids to participate in sports is about them, and not you. Because if this is really about you – spoiler alert, that usually ends badly.

      6. My brother was a very competitive gymnast when he was young – he dropped out right before he would have moved to the elite level. It was terrible for our family life (tons of travel for his competitions, lots of time at practice, all of which meant that I couldn’t really play sports or take lessons that would have been time consuming), and very much shaped my view on the right balance between family and sports – namely, that family sanity (starting with the happiness and mental health of the parents) should always come first.

        As my brother was deciding to leave gymnastics, I had just started emerging (I’m significantly younger) as a very successful competitive athlete in another sport, but one that didn’t have the same all-consuming practice and travel schedule (running). I would 100% steer my children toward a similar sport in the future rather than taking on a lifestyle like my parents did for my brother’s gymnastics. You can get the benefits of participating in sports while maintaining a more normal life, but you have to make choices about what you’ll allow.

        Worth noting that as an adult I’m a happy amateur runner (and still successful in age-group, and sometimes overall, competition), but my brother doesn’t have a good feeling toward gymnastics and nor do my parents.

        1. The elite track is a whole other level of insanity compared with regular JO gymnastics.

          1. Like, I’m intellectually aware that there is a less-intense level of gymnastics, but emotionally, I have such bad memories that I feel like I’ll have trouble even letting my kids go to tumbling class. Literally just the smell of gym chalk brings back bad memories.

            Before I was 7 years old, I’d already seen a kid break his neck in a bad fall from the high bar, watched coaches scream at elementary school kids for mistakes, and seen kids break down in tears just from the anxiety of competing, before they’d even chalked up their hands. If my kids are going to be great athletes, I really hope that their skills and interests lie in sports that don’t require that level of intensity at that young an age.

      7. I am not a parent but am religious, and the older I get, the more I understand why we have a day of rest.

        If/when I have kids, I won’t do the hyper competitive overscheduled kid thing. My SO doesn’t want to do that either. (For what it’s worth, we have six degrees between the two of us and we were both varsity athletes. But we felt then and feel now that balance and sanity are important.)

        If the kid truly has DI or Olympic potential in a sport that requires Sunday games and such (e.g., hockey), we would figure out as a family what to do. But sports are supposed to be about fun, discipline, camaraderie, and learning to work on a team, not about having people run around like chickens with their heads cut off.

    7. My lutheran church offers a 30 minute service with communion every other week specifically because of this issue. Some people have to work, too, so it’s a good way to meet the needs of a non-traditional household. Maybe see if any churches in your faith offer something similar.

    8. We’re pretty involved in our church, but don’t belong to a denomination that is particularly strict about the Sabbath. I did successfully push back at a dance studio that tried to insist that my daughter could only join a 2x a week class that met on Sundays at 11 (so right in the middle of church) but I’ve never had a problem with Sunday afternoon practices/rehearsals/games or the occasional Sunday morning event. Maybe I’m lucky? that my kids have inherited my general terrible-ness at physical activity and haven’t been pushed onto an elite track.

    9. My kids just have the occasional Sunday activity – and I’m okay with skipping church once in a while. My mom forced us to go to church every Sunday – plus an hour of Sunday school, no exceptions. It made us resentful. With my kids now, I’m going for balance.

    10. Different perspective, my oldest son is religious (Christian) and the rest of the family is not. He wants to go to church every week, but sometimes he simply can’t unless he would quit basketball. And given that he has D1 schools showing interest in him as a freshman, that seems like a terrible idea for his future. He is old enough to balance it himself, including spending more time at church during the week when he is free, and I am proud of him for that. I don’t see why parents couldn’t take a similar attitude and approach.

  7. I don’t know where my comment went so my apologies if this posts twice.

    1) the talbots clearance sale is amazing. I got I think 7-8 pieces for $150

    2) I’m looking for a cardigan size 1X in some shade of pink, from light pink to raspberry, not fuschia/hot pink, in a longer length and natural fibers (cotton, merino, etc). For those who like vicarious shopping I’d appreciate any tips!

    1. I like some of the talbots stuff, but just can’t get over that you have to pay for shipping. I was going to order one dress, but the shipping increased the cost by 50%. Nope, not happening

      1. It’s free shipping over $150. I have been known to order some extra things to get me over that threshold and then return some, especially since I usually have to order multiple sizes anyway to figure out the right fit.

        1. I used to do that–especially because their sizing is so inconsistent. But I would get such attitude when I went to do returns that I decided they’re not worth my money anymore.

          1. How do you get attitude when you do returns if there isn’t even any person-to-person communication involved? Don’t you just stick it in a box and send it back?

      2. I will admit I ordered a second color in the $12 top I was buying to hit the free shipping at $150…. but $12 for a top that I can wear to work is still a win in my book.

    2. I haven’t looked at this sale in particular, but I’m done shopping places that don’t offer free shipping for reasonably sized orders (I’m looking at you, Ann Taylor and Loft). I’m fine with a $50 minimum for free shipping like most places seem to offer, but $175 or whatever Ann Taylor requires? Nope to the nope.

      1. Ann Taylor is on ShopRunner. I think you get a free membership if you have an Amex card.

  8. anyone has good party themes/ ideas to have about 14 work colleagues over to your house for the first time. have hung out with them over Christmas and game night parties at their places, have talked multiple times about having them over to ours but it just needs a reason… no birthdays in the horizon. Ideally would like to host in March or April. I feel dumb but really lacking inspiration and trying hard to make new friends in this new MCOL city we moved to.

    1. I would just host a c_cktail party, and make it really fun. Have a signature c_cktail, a signature m_cktail, pretty barware and awesome apps. That’s reason enough! I promise, if a party has enough booze and enough people to make a space not feel sparse, people usually have a good time with the company and libations!

      1. Just have people over. It doesn’t need to have a theme, and you can have a “just because” occasion if you really feel you need one.

    2. I did a prosecco and pie party for Thanksgiving (American in the UK but it was an international bunch) and it was a huge hit. I think you just need alliterative booze and food theme – prosecco and pie, port and pizza, beer and bahn mi.

    3. Something spring themed? I might be outing myself, but a local group of homebrewers hosts The Great Defrost sometime in early March. There’s a couple of bands and lots of beer and people from the community bring food.

    5. board game night. I just did this with several of my work colleagues and it was a big hit. We just ordered pizza and had cocktails, wine, beer, sodas, water etc. I asked people to bring their favorite games and everyone liked Codenames the best (it got very, very, very competitive!)

    6. I’m in m0d for saying c_cktails, but my suggestion was board game night with pizza ordered in + c_cktails. I did this with work colleagues not too long ago and we had a very fiesty game of Codewords going for two hours.

    7. Ditto the others who’ve said just have people over. “Hey, will you come for dinner next Saturday?” is a thing. I’m the hostess in my circle, so people are always over at my house. I make it simple: choose good food that people actually want to eat (it never needs to be fussy) and grab some pretty flowers at the grocery store. Done.

    8. One of my friends always hosts a pi(e) day party on Pi Day. People bring both sweet and savory pies and there is way too much delicious food (because each person brings a whole pie but obviously doesn’t eat that much).

    9. I agree you don’t need a reason, but you can do something for either March madness or the Kentucky Derby (granted that’s 5/5)

    10. This may be more of a theme than you’re willing to commit to, but last year I did both a 60s “summer of love” party and a 70s disco party and they were both HUGE hits. If you don’t want to go all in with costumes and the like, I’ve also done a dinner where everybody brought a vinyl record album and a story, and played a song and told the story: E.g. play “Dark Side of the Moon” by Pink Floyd and tell about the time I went to see the Pink Floyd Tribute band that perfectly replicated the album but then didn’t have enough other Pink Floyd songs to fill up a whole concert, and left everybody wanting more. That was fun. If you don’t have a record player you could do CD’s.

    11. Longer reply in moderation (WHYYYYY????) but we also had a fun dinner party last weekend at which we played Left, Right, Center with dollar bills.

    12. I’ve been wanting to have an F winter party. Do a luau theme, make mai tais, tell people to wear Aloha shirts, and turn the heat up real high in your house.

  9. Can anyone suggest webs1tes or yoga videos (or even just specific stretches) that can help with lower back pain? I’ve tried a lot of things short of PT, and I’m just not ready or able to make that time and $$ commitment right now. Specifically, I am feeling daily as if I stood too long and my lower spine needs relief, like from a pelvic tilt. I’m looking for a routine I can try to add every day to add core strength or back flexibility or whatever will help.

    1. Not a routine, but I find this helps immediately: go to a doorway and open the door. Grab the doorknob with each hand. Lean out and down from the door, into a low squat, Depending on how you arch or relax your spine, you can move the stretch up or down. Hang into the stretch for 30 seconds at a time, and do it 2-3 times in a row, 2-3 times a day. It’s a lifesaver.

      Separately, a lot of lower back pain is actually from tight hamstrings (even if you don’t feel they are tight). Lie with your bum on the edge of the bed and let one leg hang off and down. Pull the other leg up to your chest and hug it. Hold each leg like this for 30 seconds, and then do both legs up in a hug. This should also be done a few times per day.

      If you do both of these and take a muscle relaxant like ibuprofen or aleve, you should start to feel better soon! Back pain is the worst, and I really struggled with it in college, but these are two former PT exercises I still keep in my repertoire.

      1. Do you mean the door frame – like, your arms are straight up in the air?

        And yes, I definitely have tight hamstrings so I need to keep up on that too – thanks!

        1. No–you literally hang down and squat from the opened door, hanging onto the door handle on each side. You use the door, not the frame! Sorry for the late response.

    2. Yoga with Adriene on YouTube for free videos. You can search for ones related to back pain.

      1. +1 to Yoga with Adriene. I also really like HASfit stretching routines for low back pain and sciatica. I’ll post a link below.

      2. +1

        I would just add that back pain is sometimes related to tight hips, so search her videos for hip stretches as well.

        The other thing you can try is lying on the floor with your back flat and your feet up near your hips, as though you’re getting ready to go into bridge pose. If my back is bothering me sometimes I lie like that for 5 minutes or even 10. It takes the curve out of your lower back and helps it relax in an elongated position.

        1. Do Yoga With Me has a few videos focusing on the hip and lower back. I often just do the first 10 minutes (of a 40 minute video) and it still helps.

        2. I do the same thing if it’s been a long standing day. The first few moments when I’m on the floor are unpleasant, but then things stretch out nicely.

    3. Yoga with Adrienne. Foam roller. Pigeon pose.

      Also consider a TENS unit to help relax your muscles and nerves before and after yoga.

    4. Check out DocJenFit or The Mobility Method on insta – she often posts a lot of videos that may be helpful.

      1. Also, consider whether this is a hamstring issue. I just started seeing a sports massage therapist (not like swedish massage), for recurring knee pain, and I basically have really tight hamstrings, quads, calves, etc. She asked me if I have lower back pain because often tight hamstrings = lower back pain.

    5. Have you tried foam rolling your glutes? That helped my back pain. Standing and sitting with correct posture (supposedly, earlobes over your shoulders!) also helped. I’ve found that with most things muscle-related, the pain isn’t where the problem is.

    6. Thank you all for these ideas. I definitely have a really tight whole back of the body (hamstrings, heels, calves) so this is all really helpful!

    7. I swear by yoga but my husband refused to do yoga for waaaay too many years. He finally got tuned in to Miranda Esmonde-White’s Classical Stretch and it cured 20+ years of back problems. He did it religiously for a few months and now gets by with maintenance stretches daily. She has free videos on youtube and PBS and there are also videos to purchase.

    8. I went to a PT for lower back pain while pregnant. He suggested anytime you have lower back pain to lie down flat on your back with your legs bent at a 90 degree angle resting on a chair. This position usually offers relief. I would really recommend finding time and $ for the PT though. I went over my lunch break to one near the office and insurance covered it. Could that be an option? When your back hurts, everything hurts.

  10. My mid-70s mother has requested a new tire pump for her, ahem, tricycle (it is hot pink and it is pretty fabulous). The one she has plugs into her car and she finds it a pain.

    Can any bike enthusiasts recommend an alternative? Can’t be manual.

    2. I have a small air compressor that plugs into the wall that I use for my car tires. I got it at Lowes I think. I am fairly certain it will also work for bicycles. If you don’t get any suggestions, I’ll check the make/model when I get home. It’s blue and about the size of a kid’s lunchbox.

      2. +1. We have one by Skil that does this. It also can jump car batteries and serve as a small generator (enough to charge a phone or run a radio in an emergency). Super useful. Purchased from Lowes.

      3. It is a Kobalt. I have the older version of this from Lowes: “Kobalt 12-Volt Car Air Inflator Item # 791911 Model # KLDP1” My linked one went into mod.

  11. Yesterday I posted a link to a Banana top I liked and was accused of shilling for Banana. I found the link on another fashion blog I follow, and I think what happened is that when I copy and pasted, the affiliate link from that person’s blog showed up.

    I have been a part of this community for 10 plus years and have found it immensely informative and helpful as I have established both my career and my style. I certainly don’t get commission or sponsorship from any store, but I do stand by my original comment that I like some clothes from Banana. But if anyone is keeping tabs, I posted a few weeks ago that the purchase I most regretted from last year were these horrible flowy tops from Banana! :) So nope, not shilling for them by any means.

    In the future, I’ll be more careful to post a link directly from a company and not from a blogger. Thanks.

    1. Thanks for the clarification. I thought it was a little odd that people were jumping to that conclusion but I’m also not very tech savvy and am not even sure how an affiliate link works. I have appreciated your insights here for the last several years.

      1. I’ve found that people loooove jumping to conclusions here. But I won’t speculate on why, because that might also sound like jumping to conclusions.

        Jump is a weird word . . .

    2. I liked that top FWIW. And wouldn’t have noticed it was an affiliate link if someone else hadn’t pointed it out.

    3. I actually loved that top you posted – that style works very well for my shape as overly flowy things make me look even wider and shorter than I am.

      1. + 1

        I love that top but would rather wait to buy it until I go to the store and see it in person. I feel like Banana is one of those places where I can never shop online because some of their stuff looks super cheap in person.

    4. Thanks for checking back in. I didn’t even mind- it seemed like a bit of an out of place post that didn’t quite fit our normal comments, but if someone looked at the top and bought it, that’s great! And, so what if it’s an affiliate link? It doesn’t affect me or my shopping experience and helps someone else. I wouldn’t worry about it. We all know you.

      1. I know OP did it accidentally so this isn’t aimed at her, but I don’t think undisclosed affiliate links are ok in general. It’s shady as h*ll to profit off people without disclosing that that’s what you’re doing, even if it doesn’t come at a direct cost to them. And unless you’re religious about clearing your computer cache, the person who drops the link may get a cut of the profit any time you shop at the linked store, regardless of how long it’s been or whether or not you buy the recommended item.

        1. Generally, yeah, disclose it (obviously not here, accidental) but I don’t have a problem if people get a cut. Maybe it has a minor impact on the price over time for everyone but I also think that it’s probably helping someone out financially, even if just a bit, and I don’t mind doing that.

    5. Some people answer every comment with a “phrase” and link their blog, others plug their Etsy shop, others ask opinions about something on another blog just to get traffic there, who cares? If I don’t want to click the link, I simply won’t. Even if I click it and like the item, I might exit and go back to the webshop again just to not use an affiliate link… not sure why you had to be thrown under the bus

  12. Posting again in the hope for more responses (and to provide more context). Thanks for those who chimed in yesterday!

    I keep waking up around 4:30 am/5 am every day. I wear ear plugs and have a white noise machine, so noise is not the issue. I’m not stressed, and I also don’t wake up to go to the bathroom. When I do wake up, I just lie quietly with my eyes closed hoping to go back to bed, but it rarely happens. I go to bed between 10:30 pm – 11 pm, and ideally would like to wake up at 6:30 am.

    On the upside, I’m not particularly tired but I can’t imagine it’s good to get by on only 6 hours a day.

    Anyone been through this? I miss my sleep! Thanks.

    1. Sounds like you don’t need the sleep. Get up and enjoy the extra hours to do something productive- workout, work on a new venture, read, meditate, write…

      1. Or, you can get up and watch Netflix! I love Netflix, and they have great stuff on at 5 in the morning! A lot more choices then Showtime (which a lot of s-x -FOOEY), and some other cabel channels, which are FULL of Boring commercials! DOUBEL FOOEY!

        If you have a boyfreind, he can also help to get your 40 wink’s, though this may involve more slobbering at 5 am then you might otherwise need or want! Sheketovits was good for this at least, but he turned out to be a loser. FOOEY on him!

    2. Are you exercising such that you feel physically tired? Might help you stay asleep longer. Try going to bed earlier and see if the wake up happens at the same time interval? Could help diagnosis as a you-thing vs an environment thing. Even with earplugs and white noise machine there may be a vibration or other environmental thing that your body is noticing while you sleep.

      Otherwise – is the short amount of sleep causing problems? Like being tired at the end of the day? If not, is this really a problem? Yes, 8 hours or so is ideal – on average. Doesn’t mean that less is wrong. Personally, I’d just wake up an read a book for an hour.

    3. I tend to wake up in five hour increments, so I feel your pain. I haven’t solved it yet, but here are some things to consider. Are you drinking a lot of caffeine before bed? Are you snoring or otherwise showing songs of sleep disturbances, such as sleep apnea? Are you waking up feeling too hot or too cold? Is there a source of natural or artificial lighting that might be waking you up? Are you sleeping alone or is there someone sleeping in the same bed as you that is tossing and turning, fidgeting etc.? Are you waking up stiff, in pain etc. (maybe your mistress or pillows are uncomfortable)? Are you waking up with heartburn? A dry throat? Difficulty breathing or swallowing from congestion or sinus drainage issues?

      1. I know that was a typo but the idea of an uncomfortable mistress is making me laugh. :)

    4. For me persistent early morning waking is a symptom of depression, and medication is the only thing that really helps. It tends to be my first symptom to appear and last to be resolved. But failing that, lying there and resting is a good alternative – you do get most of the benefit of sleeping.

    6. That happens to me on occasion when I’m really stressed or worried about something. I’m a light sleeper naturally, but during those periods, something stirs me around 2-3am and my brain instantly jumps to whatever is bothering me – keeping me from falling back asleep. Whenever I can tell I’m in one of those worry modes, I take a light sleeping pill for a few nights until the stress period passes. I know you said your problem isn’t stress, but maybe try some melatonin or a Simply Sleep pill (Tylenol PM without the Tylenol) for a few days and see if that helps?

    8. This may not bother you as much after the Daylight Savings time change in March!

      I’ve known several people who genuinely thrive on only 6 hours of sleep. The “8 hours” recommendation is just an average, after all.

    9. Thanks all. Definitely not depressed. Exercising at night is actually what I normally do. I sleep alone so no one else fidgeting. Maybe you’re right, I just need to wake up and spend my time doing other things. But I hate the idea of waking up at 4:30 am…. ugh. I appreciate the feedback.

      1. I’m surprised no one mentioned light. If noise is not an issue and stress isn’t, if I were up that early, I probably wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again because I’d be thinking oh no! It’s already starting to get light out! and then stress about not getting enough sleep, thus further keeping me awake. Get an eyemask, turn your sound machine back on, make sure your temperature is fine (warm enough, cool enough, whatever) and then just let yourself fall asleep – not worrying about how much sleep you are getting. In fact, don’t look at the clock.

      2. I mean, maybe drugs are drastic but when I want a really really good sleep, I take half a Gravol.

      3. This is me… It’s been a lifelong pattern that comes and goes. It’s right around the 5-hour mark for me, so usually 3am. It’s like my brain has an internal alarm clock. I’m awake for around 45 minutes then I drift back to sleep.

        I DO need more than 5 hours of sleep, so I have learned to do whatever it takes to not get stressed out by being awake. I’ve come to think of it as a gift of sorts. It’s time for me to think (just not about work, whatever you do, don’t think about work!). On occasion I will get up for a bit and the re-set can help, but mostly I just stay quiet in bed.

        For what it’s worth, exercise doesn’t help. Caffeine or sugar too close to bedtime and stress make it worse, but most of the time it’s random. Anything that engages my mind (books, TV, internet, too much bright light) make it harder to go back to sleep. Quiet dark warm things (hot tea, electric blankets in the winter, soothing music) often put me back to sleep faster.

        Good luck. My best advice is to not fight it, just come to peace with it. I think night waking was more normal in human history than we think. There was an article about that a while back.

  13. Seattle-area ‘rettes – need some ideas! I’m planning a date for DH’s birthday this weekend. He’s requested a jazz club and dinner somewhere downtown. We just moved to the area from Virginia (live in Eastside, but can drive anywhere) and I’m stumped. Any recs for good live jazz and nearby restaurants or bars we could go to?

    THANKS SO MUCH!

    1. Dimitriou’s Jazz Alley is a downtown jazz club. They serve dinner, but you can also go for just drinks and the music.

    2. ^ I haven’t been, but I’ve heard good things about it.

      Maxmillean’s is above Pike Place Market and is a cool place for a nice date; ask to sit upstairs and yo tu can see the ferris wheel all lit up, ferries coming into the ferry terminal, and out into the Sound.

      Running late but check back for more reccs later.

    3. I’ve checked the schedule at Dimitriou’s Jazz Alley and Judy Collins is appearing there this weekend. She’s an awesome folk musician but doesn’t play traditional jazz. If you can split the birthday celebration into two parts, I’d take your husband to a romantic dinner at Maximilien’s, as Sloan suggests, and give him tickets to Bill Frissell at Dimitriou’s on Feb 19. Frissell is an internationally renowned jazz musician. I’ve seen him multiple times in various cities and he always puts on a great show. If you want to do dinner and jazz in one night, I’d take your husband to Maximilien’s (or to the Dahlia Lounge if you want somewhere a little more casual) and then to Tula’s Jazz Club after dinner.

    4. No particular idea about jazz, but I took DH to the triple door, and he loved it despite it being much trendier than his usual taste. They book all kinds of different shows, and serve dinner during. I thought the food was pretty good (upscale by my standards, though not uber-fancy).

  14. After some of the posts yesterday, I got curious about what women are hearing from their doctors re: exercise in pregnancy. All of the evidence supports exercise, including tough exercise, for moms who are already doing it as a routine. However, I hear anecdotally that a lot of OBs give outdated advice, like “don’t get your heart rate over 120” and stuff like that. What have you all heard from your doctors while pregnant?

    1. Keep on trucking. And listen to your body.

      So: no crazy new things. And dialing back a bit is OK.

      1. Yeah, this. I continued with my normal routine (running, swimming, weight lighting – total of 6 days a week) through almost all of 2d trimester where running got replaced by fast walking and more swimming that usual. The last 2-3 weeks all I could really do comfortably was walk/swim.

    2. I wish you would save these threads for the Mom site….

      You guys will never get the info you want from your doctors. Unless you are willing to volunteer to be subjects and have your unborn babies be subjects for randomized blind controlled trials you will never get the data that you desire. A lot of things can be rationalized because of this, and usually basic rational decision making rules.

      If you don’t trust your doctor, changes doctors. Ask your doctor what they support and why. Ask about the data. Take whatever risks you are willing to take.

      But these threads are getting tiresome.

      3. There are plenty of discussion topics on here that I find tiresome. I just collapse the thread and move to the next one. It’s really not that hard.

      4. There’s a little arrow below the post that says “Collapse (#) Replies.” It solves your problem.

    3. Continue to do things you already do, or even take up new stuff if it’s not too crazy (Not a runner and going to start marathon training? No. Going to start some 20 minutes sessions on the elliptical? Go for it). Don’t do things that hurt, feel unstable, or make you feel sick – and pay attention because this will change over time. Stay as active as possible for as long as possible. Get enough sleep and don’t let yourself become overtired.

    4. – My midwife and OB have told me ‘just keep doing what you’re doing’ when I described my exercise routine.
      – Experienced and sensible fitness instructors, yoga instructors or personal trainers will be able to suggest an array of sport-specific modifications (eg: in spin class, raise the handlebars so you’re less bent over in aero and have more room for the belly).
      – Don’t get your pregnancy fitness advice from random Instagrammers ;)
      – I’m a runner, and I did a couple of things that seemed like common-sense modifications to me: I continued running with my track group up to about 34 weeks, BUT if we were doing mile repeats at half marathon pace, instead of doing the full mile at the prescribed pace I would either do a mile at a similar effort (early 2nd tri), OR work out the amount of time it would take me (eg 8 minutes) and run for that amount of time (3rd tri). Very early on in the ‘feeling like crap’ phase of 1st trimester, I also substituted a lot of treadmill incline walking for running.

    5. I got the ok to do things I normally did with some modifications – no inversions (yoga) later in pregnancy, to be careful with my balance during pilates reformer sessions, and to avoid anything with a risk of falling (snowshoeing, skiing, etc.). No saunas/hot tubs (darn!) but otherwise my OB was totally ok with jogging/walking/rowing/lifting weights within reason. I honestly wish I’d lifted MORE weights, carrying around an 8-10lb baby all day every day was murder on my arms and shoulders.

    6. My OB told me to exercise and said the heart rate stuff is outdated. I was generally an active person pre-pregnancy but didn’t have a specific exercise routine so she told me not to start anything intense. She recommended brisk daily walking. I’ve walked 2 miles or more per day almost every day of pregnancy and think it’s a big part of why I still feel great at 38 weeks and haven’t gained that much weight. I don’t believe you have to be running marathons or doing intense barre classes to get benefits from exercise (although, to be clear, my OB said those things would be fine for someone who was already doing them).

    8. My OB basically told me that labor was long and hard and I should try to be in shape for it. Actually, a pretty good way of thinking about it!

    9. This is a late reply, but I’ll say that I was pregnant while serving active duty in the Army in the early 80s. The Army guidelines for pregnant soldiers then was normal PT until 20 weeks (so push ups, sit ups, 2 mile run) and if a PT test fell during that time, we took the normal test. I started doing push ups from my knees at 20 weeks, was allowed to stop with the sit ups somewhere around 26-28 weeks (don’t remember exactly, it has been a while), dialed back the run to about a mile around the same time. I think after 35 weeks, I just walked.

      Obviously, if I’d had health issues, things would have been different but that was what I did.

    10. Also – just to balance out the discussion – it’s okay if you can’t exercise as much as you want to. Or really at all. I just can’t right now. I’m working too hard, I have another kid that I can really only see for very short windows during the day, and I’m in my third trimester and am exhausted. It was like that with my first, too. I got in as much walking as I could, but otherwise didn’t do much. I still got through labor just fine, was able to keep my weight under control, and had a healthy recovery. Yes, moderate exercise during pregnancy is the ideal, but a lot of times pregnancy is about getting through; not getting through perfectly.

  15. Silly question but where is the best place to buy La Croix online at a decent price? Thanks…

    2. Boxed isn’t bad (slightly cheaper than my store’s regular price, but not as good as the sale price). You have to buy 24 at a time though.

    5. Am I the only one that immediately thought of Edina Monsoon? Yes? Oh well, fine… :)

  16. Shampoo/conditioner recs for dry, coarse curly hair? The winter has done a number on my hair so I think I need to switch things up. Tried co-washing and it didn’t work for me.

    Has anyone tried Ouai brand?

    1. Aussie 3 min miracle conditioner. Leave on for way longer than 3 min. Sometimes I wash, put conditioner on, put a shower cap on, cover it with a towel and just hang out for hours before rinsing. Sometimes by “hours” I mean I sleep like this and then rinse it in the morning. Really any conditioner can be used this way but the 3 min miracle is good for this purpose as well as using it as directed. As a curly, I try to deep condition weekly.

      1. I got this suggestion on this board for the same hair and I’ve done it. It costs like $3. I use it daily as my regular conditioner. I don’t have perfect lovely soft unfrizzy hair but it’s MUCH MUCH better.

      2. Second 3 min miracle, it’s amazing.

        Herbal Essences Hello Hydration Shampoo and Conditioner are winners.

        Mixed Chicks Deep Conditioner is great.

        The Giovanni’s line, sold at Whole Foods, is great in general, but their Direct Leave-in Conditioner with just a little bit of hair-friendly oil (think a pipette of argan oil) on top of that will leave your hair soft and moisturized.

        In general, remember to lock in the moisture (moisture ie water) with some sort of sealant, like a leave-in conditioner + argan oil (or grapeseed, or jojoba oil, or whatever floats your boat), and to stay away from mousses and gels with alcohol in them.

    2. A fellow curly here. Avoid glycerin in your styling products. It pulls moisture from your hair when the air is really dry. Also, coconut oil (I’ve also used olive oil) as a deep conditioner treatment.

    3. JessiCurl. I use the weekly treatment every other Sunday, the regular cleansing product & daily conditioner every other day.

    4. For a one-time fix, a jar of regular, full-fat mayo, plastic bag and showercap and then sleep on it.

      For real.

    5. I’ve used L’oreal sulfate free shampoo for a couple years and love it. Not a fan of the conditioner though, so I’m going to give the Aussie rec above a go. The most impactful thing I’ve done is washing my hair less.

    7. I do not like Ouai very much. I have the moisturizing shampoo, the smoothing shampoo, the styling creme, and the mask. The mask is the best product by far but the packets are so tiny and barely have enough product for my shoulder length hair. Everything else was just ok – not bad enough to return but I can’t wait to finally finish everything.
      I highly recommend Oribe (especially the black shampoo and mask) and Kerastase (especially the line for dry hair – shampoo and mask).

    8. This is a late reply, but Tressume Botanique coconut conditioner. It is silicone and sulfate free and five or six dollars. I put in on once in the shower, let it sit for a few minutes, rinse it out all the way and then put a lesser amount in again and only rinse it out a little. I almost never use shampoo.

  17. Barefoot Dreams makes a thick cardigan similar to this (called cozy chic lite, I think?) that is TO DIE FOR.

    1. I do love my Barefoot Dreams circle cardigan, but there’s no way that it’s office appropriate (for my office), even for casual days.

        1. I think the Leith one looks more put together than my Barefoot Dreams one. Maybe it’s because I wore the crap out of the BD cardigan during my maternity leave, though, and now it’s more nubbly.

          1. oh good point – the BD material is so thick that it can read a bit like a blanket after a while

      1. Thank you!!! I am wearing the calypso wrap (that I sadly paid full price for) right now :)

  18. Today’s challenge is to wear a suit if you don’t normally wear one or an out of season or different style suit than you normally wear.

    I am not doing it. Suits are extraordinarily out of place at my office unless you’re going to court (even then, not all women wear suits for hearings, just for trial). I would go as far as to say I would look so out of place as to be unprofessional. I also am not into answering the “why are you wearing a suit” question all day. The last time I wore one for an important afternoon meeting I was only at the office for four hours and seven people stopped my my office to tell me good luck at court, just assuming I had a hearing or something.

    I’m either doing a challenge from last week or trying the whole sweater over a top thing I’m not confident is going to work.

    Are you doing it? What did you choose?

    1. Yeah, I’m not doing it either. I’m traveling this week for a business casual offsite meeting, so I packed my regular travel capsule wardroble (which I LOVE) and I would stick out like a sore thumb in a suit. I guess today I’m repeating the top+top+bottom challenge in shades of blue, where my top+top match each other.

      I wouldn’t wear a suit to my upper end of business casual office either, unless I had a presentation or a big external meeting, because I am not that comfortable working all day in a suit, and my colleagues would think I was interviewing for another job.

      1. When I am wearing a suit (the like, once a year) my jacket comes off the second I get into the office because I hate wearing it all day. I either work just in the Calvin Klein shell I’m almost certainly wearing or toss my office cardigan on.

    2. I didn’t do it either for the same reason you articulated. I only wear suits to court and that’s that.

      I really enjoyed the monochromatic challenge from a few weeks ago so I’m doing that again. The Halogen skirt in magenta, magenta crew neck sweater, long gold necklace, gold hoops, black tights and black heels. It’s bright for sure but magenta is one of “my power colors” and I love the look.

      2. Sounds great! I might redo that challenge tomorrow, because I’m doing tomorrow’s challenge today. It shockingly worked and I feel amazing in my outfit (except for my hair, which is doing its own thing today and is driving me up the wall).

        Bright pink Gap bi-stretch pants, a chambray shirt with white polka dots, a grey Gap crewneck sweater in a waffle knit (hard to describe) over it, a multi-strand Millenial pink beaded necklace, millennial pink Old Navy loafers that are remarkably comfortable and I wish I’d bought in black and mint. Plus fake pearl studs that came in a set of a dozen or so pairs from H&M that I’ve never worn because I thought they were too big but actually look fantastic and not at all costumey on. My inner Blair Waldorf is just so happy.

        This challenge is by and large fantastic. I’ve figured out so many outfit combos I normally wouldn’t wear.

        1. A suit is unprofessional in your office, but casual clothes from low-end chains and fake pearls are professional? Are you sure about that?

          1. This was really, really unnecessary. Did you have a bad day or something? If so, go call our friend Shots Shots Shots. Don’t post comments like this. Super lame.

          2. Hahaha I’m sorry, this was so over-the-top purposefully mean that I just laughed. You do you. Sloan knows her office better than any of us, and even if you’re right, who cares?

    3. There are lot of days in the challenge that are like this for me. I also found some of the days to be out of touch style-wise. Especially the blue and red challenge. It’s not the fourth of July. Most professional well-dressed women are wearing dark neutrals this time of year.

    4. Today I’m going for a sweater over a black dress that’s slightly too casual for work but looks great under a sweater. And because I’m been feeling blah it’s a turqouise sweater and I’m wearing purple tights. Black dress and booties and I think I’ve nailed a new look for my business casual office

      1. This outfit seems so awesome. Purple tights-what a great idea! This sounds like a rock star outfit!

    5. I’m doing it! I am following the directions to a tee by wearing my BR black and white gingham blazer with the matching pants, which I generally do not do. Teamed it with a black blouse with small white bird print, and cognac pumps and bag. I’m kind of digging it.

    6. I noped out of the challenge today, too. If I don’t wear a suit on a day when there aren’t any external meetings on the calendar, people are going to think I have a job interview somewhere else. It’s not part of my office culture.

  19. For those of you who are married or in long term relationships leading to marriage, how did you know your significant other was THE ONE? Did they have traits you didn’t love but decided to just accept anyway? Did time (i.e., the biological clock and a desire to have kids) affect your decision to marry them?

    1. Will be interested to read others’ responses on this.

      I am TOTALLY not the love-at-first-sight/romantic/lovey dovey type, but I swear I knew by the end of our second date that I’d marry him. It helped that he had a similar upbringing to me (religious and financial views well aligned, two big ones for me), we had matching education levels, and I knew our incomes weren’t widely disparate. Of course a relationship can be successful without any of those factors, but frankly, it made things a lot easier.

      As time went on, of course we came across bumps. We have different attitudes toward relationships with family members and while I want children, he probably doesn’t. That stuff hasn’t been easy to work out, but it’s never been a question that we would work it out. So yeah, he definitely has traits I don’t love but decide to accept anyway.

      Also – as much as I love my husband – I still don’t think I’d call him “the one.” I think it was more that both of us were ready for the relationship and we choose to work on it.

      1. “I think it was more that both of us were ready for the relationship and we choose to work on it.” This times 1000.

    3. Couldn’t imagine life without him, AND knew that we were compatible in terms of career/finance/lifestyle objectives. No annoying habits that weren’t outweighed by the previous sentence :)

    4. I was way more physically attracted to him than to other BFs, we had very similar values about a lot of big things (money, raising children, what we wanted our lives to look like in 10/20/50 years) and being with him was just really fun and easy. No annoying habits (not saying we never fight but even now I really can’t pinpoint any specific habit that annoys me). Been together 10 years, married for 7.

      1. And we got married at 26 (among the first of our friends to get married) because we really wanted to be married. We didn’t TTC until this year (I’m 33 now) so the biological clock for kids was not a factor at all.

    5. It sounds trite but it just felt different. Plus we had to do long distance for a while and, while it was hard to be apart, I didn’t mind/looked forward to talking to him every night on the phone. This was something I disliked immensely with previous SOs.

      The real clincher was that I found I was ok letting myself actually need this person. I have a very hard time letting myself be dependent on other people.

      We’ve been together 10 years, married 7.5, have two kids and I’m not sick of him yet.

    6. I dated my husband for 8 years before marriage. We had been through a lot and had generally grown together rather than apart. I felt secure, loved, respected, and happy with him and still do after another 8 years of marriage. Biological clock was not a factor, because we just started TTC last year. There are definitely things about my husband that aren’t perfect– he is a human after all. But his flaws are ones that I knew I could live with and I knew he accepted my flaws as well. I do think it’s important to make that assessment before marriage, which is why I get nervous for friends who get married very quickly in a relationship and are still in the honeymoon phase of thinking their partner is perfect in every way.

    7. I sat across a table from him on our first date (blind date) and had a strong, almost eerie feeling that I was getting to know my future husband. Six months later, he asked about ring shopping. (We’re still in that stage. A lot of really awful stuff happened in the last few months.)

      Mid/late thirties, fwiw.

    8. I was planning to be happily single and was not looking for a husband or even a boyfriend. I met him by chance and fell in love, which had never happened before. I felt that our relationship helped me to grow as a person. I imagined our future together and liked what I saw.

      1. +1

        I wasn’t interested in dating or marriage and was busy pursuing my plan for my life, but it turns out I was interested in him. You said it better than I could.

    9. He’s my best friend. If I haven’t talked to him all day I feel off. Also, A+ gardening.

      I don’t know about the phrase “traits you didn’t love but decided to accept anyway” because I think you have to accept flaws in every person you have a relationship with, including family, friends, and yourself. SO isn’t perfect, but expecting perfection is silly.

      Time is not a factor. We are child-free by choice.

    10. I met my husband in my early 20s. We dated for a while, moved in together after a year, and got married after 4 years. We’ve now been together for 11 years.

      He was the first guy I dated seriously who I never got sick of. I would always eventually get the “cringe” with a guy — he would do or say something and it would just really turn me off. I’ve never once felt that way with my husband. I also was so into him for the first few months (such a deep crush) that I literally got lovesick. I couldn’t eat I was so preoccupied with thinking about him.

      In retrospect, that was all really immature 20-something behavior. Our relationship has stayed very strong (and we eventually decided to get married) because we respect each other, genuinely really enjoy spending time together, and have similar interests and motivations. And I am very attracted to him, love his smell, and his touch calms and soothes me.

    11. I’m pretty introverted, and he’s the only person that I’ve ever met that I never wanted to have go away for a while sometimes. He always just makes things better for me, and I’d never experienced that before. There are lots of other things that come into it – he always has my back, we share important values, we aren’t fighty, he’s good in bed (what can I say) – but that’s the fundamental one.

      That’s not why we got married at the exact time we did – that was more because we were at a moment when we were making important career and life decisions together, and we wanted to do that as an “official” family. But it’s why he’s my person.

    12. The first time my husband picked me up from the airport, he texted that he’d stopped at the store on his way. I figured I was about to be on the receiving end of some grocery store bouquet. I deeply hate the whole “airport flowers” routine. I’ve been schlepping things all day through airports. Why would I want something damp and useless to carry to the car at the end of a trip? When I saw him at arrivals, he was brandishing a diet Coke and a bag of my favorite snacks. I was ravenous. It was perfect.

      That moment clarified what I value in him and in our relationship: we’re really kind to one another in a way that stems from paying attention to what the other person actually values, and we’ve got a bunch of attitudes and preferences in common in spite of some fairly obvious differences.

    13. I had just gotten divorced for the second time and was pretty well reconciled to being alone forever. But… I still had a tiny glimmer of hope that I might find love. I had a list of qualities I was looking for. Can’t remember the whole list, but it included “must be kind,” “reasonably financially appropriate,” “makes things happen,” and similar. Also I wasn’t going to date anybody who wasn’t interested enough in me to actually make dates with me.

      On our first date we were supposed to go to a concert but we never made it because we were so engrossed in conversation. We became a steady couple pretty quickly and were pretty happy with that arrangement until a friend of ours died suddenly and we thought “wow — maybe we don’t have all the time in the world and maybe we should get married.” Which we did and we are stupidly happy and have still never exchanged a cross word in the whole time we’ve known each other. He is most definitely THE ONE for me and honestly any downsides are so tiny (on the order of “he likes dimly lit rooms, I like brightly lit rooms”) that they’re not even on my radar.

    14. We dated for a long time (7 years) before getting engaged and I did wonder if I was “settling” in any way because staying with him was the familiar choice/what I was used to/we had moved in together/etc. However, I realized that the only reason I was thinking those thoughts was because I had internalized societal messages about the importance of “playing the field” and “you’re only young once,” even though any type of serial dating has never been and never will be my personality type. Once I let go of what I thought was expected of me, I realized that I just love being around my now-husband. We can spend all day every day together and not get sick of each other and there is literally no one else in my life I can do that with. We can be 100% ourselves to the point of absurdity; we have all kinds of inside jokes and made-up words and funny voices we can use with each other that others would find insane, but it all contributes to a feeling of fun playfulness and complete acceptance.

      Plus, he is just a good-hearted person who supports me in everything I do, including a two-month business trip 10,000 miles away (and he never complained), my hobbies, and my friendships. That is so valuable to me and it inspires me to be a better partner for him.

      1. This is late, but I’m hoping you see it – your story pretty much completely describes my boyfriend and I, except we’ve been together for almost 9 years (we met in high school, though, so we’re still quite young). I wonder if you could talk more about getting away from internalized societal messages? This is where I’m getting stuck too and it’s making me second guess things. I feel that life is short and I want to experience all of it, including dating as an adult (haven’t been on the market since I was 18!). However, I realize the grass is not always greener and I do not want to lose what I have.

    15. I don’t believe in “the one.” I believe in “this person makes me happy, and is kind, enthusiastic, respectful, and willing to work with me on things we disagree on,” combined with “I love talking with this person.”

      I thought I might want to marry my SO when I realized that he didn’t do the things I had been upset about my ex not doing – like giving me unprompted compliments, which made me feel adored – but I didn’t care, because my SO made me felt adored, appreciated, and beloved in his own ways.

      I knew I wanted to marry him when we went on a 10-day driving vacation and had just as much fun on day 10 as we did on day 1. It’s important to me that my partner be able to handle things going wrong and getting boring, which inevitably happens no a 10-day driving vacation, and my SO not only handles it, but we have fun doing it! Whenever things go wrong we call them adventures.

    16. We were casual friends for a while first, each with a crush on the other that we were too scared to act upon. When we finally both decided we didn’t have much to lose by seeing what happened, we knew very quickly that it was right. We enjoy each other’s company and share the same major goals and values. Does he have traits I don’t like? Sure, but its things like, he doesn’t put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher, not anything that goes to my core values.

      Contrast that to the guy I was dating right before I started dating DH. That guy had a number of pretty important traits that I didn’t like, but I considered settling because I was 35 and still hadn’t found someone who really shared my values and some interests and I enjoyed spending time with. I thought, maybe that guy isn’t out there. Then I came to my senses and decided that finding someone who shares my values and goals is worth it (and if I don’t find him, then I’m better off being alone anyway).

      TL;DR, yes there’s an element of timing and being at the right stage in life (DH is 5 years younger so if we had met 10 years earlier, we would not have gotten together), but don’t settle for someone who doesn’t share your core values.

    17. My now-husband was the boyfriend of a friend of mine when I met him. I was in year 2 of a relationship. We got along really well, and always found ourselves talking at parties (sometimes arguing -respectfully-, sometimes agreeing, sometimes talking about travel/history/other common interests). He and his girlfriend broke up, and she and I drifted apart, but I still invited him to big group events/parties–and he brought a date on occasion- because we were definitely friends. In fact, he was fairly good friends with my boyfriend, too.

      Boyfriend and I went through a period of on-and-off, during which I went through a period of bar hopping and girls’ nights (often together…). One night my bar hopping intersected with now DH and a date he was on. Date ended/girl left. DH joined up with our crowd and we had way too much to drink, went home together (not sexual, it was something like “I literally cannot sit in a taxi without throwing up, can I sleep on your couch since you live walking distance? I will clean any vomit I create.”), fell asleep on the couch together (I think we were arguing about what to watch on TV when we passed out), and when I woke up the next morning, I realized I wanted to wake up next to him every day for the rest of my life (there was no vomit).

      We went to brunch, spent the day together, had dinner together, drank some wine, had a quick “so we ended up spending the day together eh?” conversation, made out/had sex that night, and basically have been together ever since. it was like once we found ourselves doing Couple Things (waking up next to eachother, eating brunch, etc), it made perfect sense that we in fact become a Couple and we just…did that.

      It came to a surprise to exactly nobody. Being around now-DH was just *so much easier* than my boyfriend, but I’d always assumed it was because he was Not a Boyfriend, and not that it was chemistry.

      1. Love this story.
        I met Mr. AIMS under similarly ‘not LTR material circumstances’ but it just worked and kept working.

        To answer OP’s questions, I think everyone has traits you may not love but the question isn’t whether they’re perfect (no such thing) but whether the trade offs are worth it. As for the time question, we met in our 20s so time wasn’t an issue really but I think it can be both a factor and fine in some relationships as long as your expectations are aligned.

      2. Chiming in super late so you may not see this, but I met my husband shortly after I turned 40, and we married 6 months later. We both dated and had other relationships before so we were able to recognize just how amazing we were for each other. I think it’s easier to just know the older you get – you have a better sense of yourself and what you really want.

    19. My husband and I met when we were teenagers. We were friends and hung out a few times outside of school with our overlapping group of friends, but nothing really serious. He moved away for college. After, he came back and we re-connected and both knew within the first few dates that this was it. We wanted to be together all the time, we got along well, we had great chemistry, etc. We dated for 3 years before getting married (and got married pretty young.) It has been 12 years and that was the single best decision I have ever made. He has completely supported my career choices (I am a lawyer in an underpaid niche area of law, but love it), he is an amazing father, a great partner, and truly showed me what a right decision it was when my mother got cancer and we upended our lives to care for her. He never even questioned it and actually did most of the hard work to make it happen. (Of course we argue sometimes, but I have never questioned his love or loyalty and I have never felt like I shouldn’t be married to him.)

    20. I found it incredibly hard to meet someone who was smart, educated, had a good job, financially responsible, reasonably good looking, into fitness, was nice to me, and was not a db/entitled. When I met someone who fit all of these characteristics, I grabbed on and didn’t let go.

      1. Also, I don’t believe in “the one” either. I am sure if I lived in New York instead of California I would have met and married someone else. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him to pieces.

  20. COS devotees here – can anyone comment on how the sizing runs, especially on the small end and compared to other brands? I’m tempted by a dress but not sure what size to get. I’m a short, flat-chested pear and normally wear an XS/0 in Loft and JCrew. TIA!

      1. It is a clothing brand from the H&M group and it stands for Collection of Style, but most people think it’s just called COS

    2. Hmmm I only have one pair of pants by Cos and I would say it runs small. I usually am a 2 in Loft and J Crew but my COS pants are a size 6. They are the sister brand for H&M so if you have any items from H&M it is probably similarly sized.

    3. it really depends on the fit. sometimes they intentionally want a baggy fit so I can wear a size 4 skirt whereas I am usually a 6. I usually order multiple sizes and return (free returns) the items that I don’t want.
      I love their sweatshirt dresses for the weekend and some of their interesting drape tops for work.

      Two things to note:
      – they do not do any price adjustments
      – they have a very tight return window- something like 14 days. so if you travel for work it can be a pita.

  21. So what would you do? I got pulled into HR this morning to have a very uncomfortable conversation about whether I am being s*xually harassed by a co-worker. I am not – we are friends (not the kind with benefits). Another co-worker overheard a conversation between us and decided to report on my behalf.

    I am pretty sure I know who reported and she is always looking for a reason to be offended on her own behalf and on behalf of others. I am more than a little annoyed that she decided to go to HR without talking to me first. So should I mention it to her? Not accusing her of being the person who reported it (since HR did not name her), but just in a general sense that this happened, *someone* reported it, and I wish people would mind their own business and stop reading malicious intent into other peoples’ perfectly innocent conversations.

    And in case anyone is wondering, there was no issue with the conversation itself. I am not 100% what she overheard, but he and I are not having intensely personal discussions in the office!

    1. Don’t do anything. You don’t have the whole story and HR can’t tell you. It’s possible that other people have reported that this person has harassed them so they are now asking other people about their interactions with him. Just let it run its course. If what you think happened is what happened, the system worked like it was supposed to.

    2. I’d leave it alone. For one thing, you don’t have confirmation from HR that she reported you and she probably knows her report will be kept anonymous. So that leaves the opportunity for her to deny it if you bring it up with her…and then what are you going to do? Also, if she’s “always looking for a reason to be offended” you’re not going to change her behavior.

      I’d certainly be annoyed by the situation and by her but also grateful that your HR is willing to confront issues like this.

    3. No I’d do nothing at all. Nothing. I assume you told HR nothing was happening. I’d also keep a lower profile with him. And say absolutely nothing at all to her. Nothing.

      1. I disagree about keeping a lower profile. If you weren’t doing or saying anything inappropriate to begin with, don’t let some busybody keep you from having good relationships with male co-workers. Some people just want to be offended.

        1. This could come off as retaliation and put you on the other side. You spoke to what you knew. Return to work and just get comfortable that a) you don’t know the details, and b) stay in your lane. Your role is to get the work done, it’s HR’s job to ask questions and inform you of refraining from gossip or speculation that makes it tougher for anyone to work. Be glad that they are checking on things and are asking questions. Focus on your work and maintaining healthy work relationships with all of your colleagues. Let others succeed or fail on their own merits, get back to work, support privacy if others inquire, and let this pass.

    4. Omg no don’t confront her because you suspect she reported it to HR. You have no proof that she was involved so don’t bring her into this.

    5. There is such a thing as third party sexual harassment. Even if you weren’t uncomfortable with what he said to you, a person who overheard it could be uncomfortable, and if it were severe and pervasive enough that could legally be a hostile work environment. Whoever the reporter is, he or she had a right to report it, and your employer had a legal obligation to look into it. You gave your side of the story to HR, and now you should leave it alone.

        1. How come? To use an extreme example, let’s say Bob comes into the office everyday and says vulgar, explicit, profane things to Jane. Jane thinks it’s funny and doesn’t mind. It’s not a HWE for Jane. Jane’s officemate Sally overhears these things every day is made extremely uncomfortable by them. You don’t think Sally should have any rights in this situation?

          1. Yeah. It wasn’t s*xual but I worked for an extremely racist partner who said very offensive and degrading things about many different minority groups to me and others (the partner, me, and the others he was speaking to are all white). My two closest friends are POC and hearing their culturals and others be constantly insulted was horrible and definitely created a miserable work environment for me. I am also a member of a minority religion and although he never mentioned my religion directly, his repeated rants about how he didn’t like anyone who didn’t look exactly like him certainly made me feel unwelcome and uncomfortable talking about my minority religious viewpoint. I feel like I should have rights in that situation even though the harassment was not directed at me. Although of course I did not report it because we had no HR and he was the managing partner…

          3. I never said it did. I’m just providing a clear cut example of a third party sexual harassment.

          4. The race example is slightly different to my mind as literally everyone should be offended by that. The OP seems to have been engaged in nothing more than friendly banter with a colleague and it does not even seem to have been explicit.

            The Canada Labour Code defines sexual harassment as any conduct, comment, gesture or contact of a sexual nature
            (a) that is likely to cause offence or humiliation to any employee; or
            (b) that might, on reasonable grounds, be perceived by that employee as placing a condition of a sexual nature on employment or on any opportunity for training or promotion.

            To me that suggests conduct that is pretty serious in nature, and certainly well beyond Sally saying “I heard Bob tell Jane that she would make a good dog break its leash”. But I generally think that policy should not be based on what the most uptight person deems inappropriate.

          5. As for gaga’s example above, if the two share an office and Sally doesn’t want to listen to it, of course she has rights. She has the right to say “Bob, we know you love Jane’s boobs, but I am tired to hearing you talk about it. Take it to text like normal people.” If Sally just happened to overhear it while walking by though? Girl, mind your own business.

            But I have little tolerance for adults who do not use their words and instead run to HR in a situation that does not even directly involve them, like the one described by the OP.

          6. Why should “literally everyone” be offended by racism but not sexism or sexual harassment? We don’t know what he said to OP and if the conversation really was just friendly and not sexual then I agree this third party shouldn’t be complaining. But I’m not sure why it’s acceptable for a white person to be offended by degrading comments about minorities but not for a woman to be offended by a man making degrading comments about other women or women in general even if they’re not specifically aimed at her.

    6. I wouldn’t call her out, but I might mention that it happened and you were bothered by it. If it wasn’t her that reported it, no harm done. And if it was, hopefully she’ll get the message that she was not doing you a favor (although honestly my guess is that she was not actually trying to help you but rather trying to make things hard for you – so maybe it’s a total waste of time to confront her for that reason.)

      I certainly don’t think you’re obligated to NOT say anything if you want to.

      1. Thanks to everyone for their input. Now that I have calmed down I agree that I should probably just let it go. It annoys me – but I find her incredibly annoying, partly because of her oft-voiced opinion that men and women can never be friends because biology apparently doesn’t work that way.

        But to clarify – I specifically asked HR if there was anything about the conversation itself that the reporter thought was a problem or found offensive on her own behalf and was told no. (And I honestly cannot imagine anything about any of our work-place discussions being a problem – as I noted we are not romantically or s*xually involved. We have never had a conversation that we could not have in front of his wife – with whom I am also friends – or my mother.)

        Thanks for talking me down.

    7. Your proposed comment to her sounds so defensive. If I were her (putting myself in the mindset of the personality you described) I’d hear what you’re saying and take it as confirmation that there’s something going on. Don’t say anything, you’ll only add fuel to her fire.

  22. I just bought this dress , and am wondering if it would look good with a pink blazer (I’m totally ready to jump on the pink blazer bandwagon). I’m thinking a short, cropped-ish blazer might be ok, and given the shades of pink in the print, it could probably be anything from blush to hot pink.
    1) does the Hive think a blazer would work and 2) any suggestions? (I probably need one that is 21″or shorter.)

    https://shop.nordstrom.com/s/adrianna-papell-print-stretch-sheath-dress-regular-petite/4766459?contextualcategoryid=2375500&origin=keywordsearch&keyword=adrianna+papell+print

    I’m a gray/black suit + solid top “safe” type of dresser and am trying to add a bit of color, but have a terrible time figuring out prints/colors/stuff that works.

    1. With prints, I generally think they can be worn with anything that picks up a color from the print. If you can find the right shade to match the print, go for it. Also, cute dress!

    2. For sure. But I do think it will have to be cropped to make sense with the waistline.

      Side note, can you post any pink blazers you find? I bought one off Amazon that is awful so I’m still looking.

    3. For me personally, a pink blazer with that dress would be too feminine. But that’s my own personal taste. I’d wear a pink blazer with a solid color or a less feminine print — something like houndstooth or herringbone.

  23. I’m meeting with a financial advisor from the company who I have my 401k with today. I mostly made the meeting to ask about rolling previous plans into this one (pros, cons, etc.), and a general check in to make sure everything is on track.

    What other questions should I be asking them? FWIW I am single, mid-twenties and have about $20k saved.

    1. Ask about the fees for funds in the 401k. You don’t have as much control over the fees because the company picks the 401k company, so you’ll want to know what comparable fees are for putting the rollover funds in an IRA, where you DO have more control (you can pick where the funds sit – Vanguard and Fidelity are supposed to be the lowest with fees there).

      And ask how the adviser gets compensated – that will give you an insight as to whether their advise on using the 401k or an IRA for your rollover might be biased.

  24. What are your thoughts on receiving lines at weddings? For context, my fiance and I are getting married in learly summer in the Midwest with about 200 of our friends and family attending. My parents are insistent that we have a receiving line during the cocktail hour. We would much prefer to 1) not make our guests wait in line and 2) have more natural and organic conversations with them, but my parents want to make sure that we have an opportunity to talk with everyone who comes. Any advice appreciated!

    1. The last big wedding I was at, the bride and groom stopped by each table during dinner service. (They ate during the toasts.) It worked well and everyone understood they were only able to chat briefly.

      1. Most weddings that I’ve been to have done this. I think in some cases, the couple circulated between courses during dinner. As a guest, I thought it was perfect. No waiting in line, an opportunity to briefly schmooze with the happy couple – a win/win situation.

    2. Yay. They don’t take long if you do it right at the end of the ceremony as people walk out. It’s rude to not speak to everyone and this is a way to make sure it happens. Go ahead and organically speak to people too!

      1. Yeah I think this is best. It doesn’t take that long and people who don’t want to or can’t wait in line (like elderly relatives or people with small children) can excuse themselves.

        Another idea I saw somewhere and liked: the couple served the wedding cake to their guests. So the guests had to stand up and go get dessert instead of having it served to them, but I thought it was a nice way to be a good host.

      2. I like this method and, as a guest, I actively prefer it to the go-to-each-table thing (either is fine in terms of manners–I do think you need to make sure you talk to/thank everyone).

        FWIW, at my wedding, we dismissed each row of the church ourselves and thanked people individually for coming as they filed out of their rows (essentially a receiving line done in chunks). The coordinator told us it would lessen the, “I just want to tell you this one quick story about your darling mother when she was a child,” (which actually takes 10 minutes and holds up everyone else and wold be utterly lovely to hear at any time other than in the receiving line) issues you can get in a receiving line. We got positive feedback on it from guests, who generally liked that it felt personal and welcoming. Obviously this might not be the right fit for your wedding, but I was really pleased with how it worked out.

      3. I loved my receiving line. It was at the church and had me, my husband, my mom, MIL, and MOH (my sister). My husband and I (and my mom/sister and MIL) got to introduce people to the other side, so by the time we got to cocktail hour each of us knew who everyone was. I think it made mingling even better.

        I personally find it awkward to speak to a bride and groom who are circulating at tables while you’re eating, because they’re standing while you’re sitting, people might be in the bathroom, the room or music might be too loud to hear, etc. (We did, however, skip a head table and ate each course at a different table).

    3. Nay.

      We skipped it. Instead we made sure to go to each table while salad/ dinner was being served and got a group photo. It’s a nice compromise and makes the guests feel very welcome.

      1. We did this, too.

        I despise weddings where the bride and groom stay at their head table and only talk to their bridal party. Get up and mingle! Every person in that reception hall wants to talk to you.

    4. No, don’t do it. Cocktail hour is for your guests to drink and eat, not stand in an endless line. You should circulate at cocktail hour and try to say hi to everyone – but anyone you miss, you can always go to their table during dinner.

      I see cocktail hour as a good time to get saying hi to your parents’ friends and older relatives out of the way, so that you don’t get stuck in long conversations (people will come up to you naturally so you always have an excuse to slip away), and so that you don’t miss out on the dancing/mingling at the reception.

      1. Agreed- Don’t make your guests stand in a long line to eat appetizers. Either do it on the way out of the ceremony – which will naturally be quick because it is people leaving as opposed to coming in – or stop by each table when people are eating salad, etc.

      2. I missed that this was supposed to happen at c-tail hour – I thought c-tail hour was just something to host the guests while the couple is taking pics? I don’t think the couple usually attends any/most of the c-tail hour.

    5. Yes but kept it short – receiving lines don’t have to be a substantive conversation with each guest. We did ours on the way out of the church. Great way to basically say ‘Hi, great to see you’, ‘Hello, thanks for coming’ so that you make sure you don’t miss acknowledging everyone’s attendance. Everyone has to enter the room for the cocktail hour anyway, just stand by the door to greet as they enter. Have your parents stay near you but further into the room so that any guests who want to chat with them don’t hold up the line but enter quickly.

      1. I think that’s worse! Waiting in line is annoying but making people wait in even a brief line only to get a 10 second “Thanks for coming, so great to see you! NEXT” seems way ruder. Talk to your guests when you can have a real conversation.

        2. I don’t see how giving a guest a warm, genuine greeting is rude. If you have a substantive conversation with 200 guests, then the line takes forever.

        3. Unless your wedding is, like, 20 people, when are you going to get a chance to have a real conversation with all of your guests?? That’s totally unrealistic.

    6. Nay. I think it’s better to go around to each table. Last time I was in a receiving line I waited in line for 40 minutes trapped next to a man I found insufferable after 4 minutes.

    7. I’d skip it and go to every table at the reception instead. I’m Jewish and receiving lines aren’t done at Jewish weddings so this is probably cultural, but whenever I go to a wedding with a receiving line I feel very uncomfortable, like the bride and groom think they are royalty and their guests should have to wait in line to greet them. I know most couples don’t think that way and just do receiving lines because of tradition but it still makes me feel a little icky.

    8. I was leaning against a receiving line – it felt too formal. But I was persuaded and glad we did it. The reception flew by, I felt stressed afterwards about not spending enough time with all our guests, but at least I knew I had spoken to each person in the receiving line.

    9. Yay, for some of the efficiency and polite host reasons already articulated.

      But if you do it, two warnings: if you have a long veil, consider removing it so that every hug doesn’t turn into whiplash-by-tulle-netting, and beware bracelet clasps in your hair.

    10. If there is travel between the wedding and the c-tail hour, I found it better to have the receiving line going out of the wedding itself, then you talk to everyone once before they go to the reception venue.

      1. This. If there is a time gap, do it when people are exiting the church/ceremony venue.

    11. This is a big thing in Indian weddings (not so much in the US, but weddings in India) and I personally really dislike them because you make your guests wait for way too long when they should be socializing and mingling and eating. I might feel differently if you were having a very small wedding though.

      I would just give yourself enough time to around to each table and thank folks that way.

      1. tangential- a friend of mine knew she wanted a low side bun for her wedding. She made sure to put it on her left side so that when she hugged people, they werent crushing her hair!

    12. I am another nay vote. We circulated during cocktails and then went to each table during the course of dinner and it felt more personal to me.

    13. Yay. Wish we’d done it. We don’t have pictures with a lot of people who were important enough to invite to the wedding. We didn’t realize our MCs had planned a few activities during the reception that meant that we couldn’t go around to tables (nor were we able to navigate around the servers who were juggling plates between courses). Due to a stressful medical emergency, I didn’t get to see anyone on the dance floor or stick around after the dinner ended, either.

    14. My parents were insistent, so I told them if they wanted to do it, they could, but we (my new H and I) weren’t going to participate. So we did our exit. Let my parents and in-laws do theirs. And then had the rest of the rows excused from front to back. My parents stood at the exit of the church with my in-laws and greeted everyone on the way out. H and I did our hellos by going around to the tables between dinner courses.

    15. Granted I haven’t been to that many weddings in my lifetime, I’m in my late 20’s and whatnot, but at all the weddings I have been to, not one did a receiving line, and it was probably for the best. I wouldn’t want to do one, I wouldn’t want to be a part of one, I’m an introvert and the process just sounds exhausting, no thank you ma’am! I’ll make my rounds during cocktail hour, and go around to the tables, etc.

      But before anyone rips me a new ash-hole for not wanting one, I’m not planning a wedding, so this decision is absolutely not set in stone! My parents or future fiancee might talk me into it, who knows?

  25. Looking for a special gift for my cousin’s daughter – I was thinking about some stud earrings, maybe with a gemstone of some kind. I have bought earrings for myself from Michelle Chang. Does anyone have recommendations for smaller indie type designers with earrings in the $75-125 range?

    Thanks!

    2. I gifted my 11 and 13 year old nieces some Majoricia pearl studs and they were a hit. We did a gray pair for one and a gold pair for the other.

  26. Can you recommend a recipe to me? I’m making a new-to-us recipe for Valentine’s Day at home. I’m collecting a few recipes and will ask my husband which he wants. Hoping to find something new to add to our rotation. We eat everything, have moderate cooking skills, and don’t have a crockpot. Chicken Vesuvio is one of our favorites, as is a honey mustard chicken, lasagna, cashew chicken, etc. Pineapple Maple Glazed Salmon is on my maybe list. I’ll post recipe links in a reply.

    2. The mustard cognac beef stew posted on Smitten Kitchen was great. She had a lot of good date night recipes you might want to check out.

    4. NY Times Chicken with 40 Cloves of Garlic or Roasted Chicken Provencal are both great. For Valentine’s Day, I’m making Sunset’s Crab Pasta with Prosecco and Meyer Lemon Sauce – our meyer lemon tree went crazy and we have a ton!

  27. Do you think it’s categorically true that if a man is interested he will pursue you? I’m debating whether I should ask a fwb if he’s interested in dating. I’ve polled my friends and about half say go for it and half say he’s not that into me. I need a tie breaker.

    The biggest details for: he asked me out to dinner and didn’t come back to my place after (we’d never had a date before – although I guess this could go either way), he texts all the time about silly/I was just thinking about you type things not just to get together, and he’s hinted that he’s looking for something serious (but hasn’t said he’s looking for that with me). Against: he tends to make plans with only a few hours notice, when I try to make plans farther in advance he stipulates “unless something else comes up” though he’s never actually canceled on me – just generally doesn’t seem that motivated to block out time on my calendar. When we started hooking up I had to make the first move; he told me he didn’t want to come on too strong but he was hoping that I’d reach out.

    I’d be fine staying fwb if that’s all this is going to be but I think that’d be tough if I told him I’d be interested in more. Isn’t that sort of a make or break moment?

    1. You’re already sleeping together, so there’s no “can’t endanger the friendship” situation going on here.

      So… have you asked him?

      1. +1 If you’re hooking up and not dating, there’s no reason to think he wants to date you. Sorry.

      2. +2 and get therapy to figure out why you don’t understand this, and why you’re attracted to passive losers

    3. I don’t think you can say anything is “categorically true” about one half of the world’s population.

    4. OP – I think a few more details are warranted. For one, how long have you been FWB? And what exactly do you mean by “dating”? If you want to go to more dinners, movies and so forth along with the benefits, it seems like he would be into that (from what you have said).

      If you want to ask him to date you exclusively, well, I am not sure those are the signals that he is putting out there (again, based on what you have said). You could always try, with the mindset of “nothing ventured, nothing gained”, but be prepared for rejection (and, likely, for the FWB situation to come to an end also).

    5. “Do you think it’s categorically true that if a man is interested he will pursue you?”

      No. There really are no categorical truths about people, especially not when it comes to dating. That doesn’t mean this man wants to date you, but just no to the idea that all men are The Same and all men abide by the same code of Man Behavior that they vote on in their monthly Man Meetings.

    6. Just ask. Anything other than an enthusiastic yes from him means he doesn’t want to endanger the hookip and you should move on (keep fwb or cut him out of your life, whatever you want, just give up on the idea that he is BF material)

  28. I am planning a trip to Zion National Park in late April. Should I invest in a good pair of hiking shoes or boots? And does anyone have a recommendation for specific styles?

    1. I am going in June! Check out Barefoot Theory blog for recs; she has specific hiking shoes/boots for Zion.

  29. Can someone with a little junk in the trunk please talk to me about leggings? I have been trying to embrace the idea that they are this magical wardrobe item that is comfortable and, worn with a flowy top, effortlessly polished. So I ordered about 15 of them to try from different brands and some were quite expensive and had rave reviews. All are going back. Conclusions:
    1. I do not find them comfortable. They bind my knees and calves and when I bend my legs, they stretch at the crotch and kind of pull down on everything. I am sure I got the right size (because comparing my measurements to other reviewers) and did try a few in a size up – those were just baggy at the knees and too long.
    2. I did not find them flattering. I have athletic legs that look just fine with skirts or shorts. In leggings, they looked short and stumpy. My “saddle bags” felt both squeezed and jiggly at the same time. Without a huge billowy top that completely obscured my waist, with bright lighting you could see the outline of my hip bones and my hip fat (which I don’t even have that much of!).

    I am going right back to wearing my bootcut yogas with a semi-fitted top.

    So – do you wear them? Are they comfortable to you? Was there a “break-in” period? Do you feel the “squeeze” at your widest parts? Do you feel the jiggle? Or did you give up on this “essential” like me?

    1. I don’t think the terms “leggings” and “polished” should ever be used in the same sentence.

      What exactly are you going for? A weekend/evening comfy look? That is what leggings and a flow-y top are for. They are not structured professional workwear.

      And if you are pear shaped with a generous butt and athletic legs, then skin tight leggings are going to highlight all of that. Not a good look for me, and I’m a size 2 pear shape. I only wear them with tops that cover all my junk, big chunky sweaters on top of that, and booties/boots.

      They are not essentials at all, and the older I get the more they restricted to I’m-staying-home-and-cleaning-my-apartment days…

    2. I wear them. I don’t love how my legs look in them. So they’re reserved for weekend wear on the coldest days only. I wear them under an above the knee wool sweater dress.

      I highly prefer knee length skirts with tights or bare legs, or actual jeans or pants that are not leggings.

    3. Maybe you’re just not used to tight pants? I love leggings and wear them all the time, and haven’t noticed anything you’re mentioning.

      1. That’s what I am asking – what does getting used to them feel like? Are you just coping with a period of discomfort (a la wearing crop tops back in early 90s and getting used to the breeze over your midriff) and a couple weeks later you are just used to it and now you feel perfectly comfortable?

        1. I had a period of discomfort, and now feel perfectly comfortable. FWIW I started out by wearing leggings as pajamas, then more so around the house and to the gym, then out to run a quick errand…and now leggings/jeggings are my weekend casual default. This seemed to happen over the period of time when leggings were going from strictly athletic to more generally accepted as pants, so that may have played into my comfort level. I may have also started caring less about hiding perceived body flaws in my old age (I am 36).

          I was also slow to adopt skinny jeans and pants, but skinny pants with a wedge heel or flat loafer are now my workday default in a business casual non-law office.

    6. I love leggings but they’re for casual not polished. Do you wear skinny jeans or pants? Are you comfortable in them? If yes, I don’t see why leggings would be less comfortable. If not, you just might not like tight pants.

      You shouldn’t have saddle bags or hip fat showing in them. If so, then you don’t have the right size. You could try a higher rise too. What brands are you wearing? I think cheap leggings are worse than expensive for this. You want thick and stretchy and not see through.

      And yes, I always wear with looser and longer tops / sweaters to balance. A lot of times in the winter I wear with boots too for more visually in the bottom.

  30. To the person who was asking about Heist tights a few days ago- I’m wearing some for the first time today and they are amazing. Super soft and I don’t feel like a sausage in a too tight casing. Be aware shipping takes two weeks from the U.K.

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