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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This “orange zinnia” blazer from Talbots is a great piece for the summer to fall transition. Over the next few weeks, I would wear it with white trousers or a light gray sheath. In September, I would switch to navy, dark gray, or even black.
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The blazer is $169 at Talbots and comes in misses sizes 2–18, plus sizes 14–24, petite sizes 0–16, and plus petite sizes 14–22.
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Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Fitness Apps
Finally decided i need to get with the program and find an online fitness service where I can stream classes, with emphasis on yoga and strength training. What is your favorite app or service, and if you don’t mind, how much do you pay?
anonshmanon
I tried out class pass because my insurance had an extended free trial. I’ve been doing a HIIT pilates twice a week and it’s been great.
Anonymous
What on earth is HIIT pilates? HIIT and pilates are polar opposites.
anonshmanon
It’s basically 20 minutes of pilates, followed by 30 minutes of HIIT – combined in one class.
LaurenB
Yes, and I’ve seen several studios combine them into one, so you get the benefit of the HIIT for cardio / strength and then pilates for stretching.
Cora
Fitnessblender, free
anonymous
+1 If you want you can pay for some of their workout programs, but they have tons of free strength training videos.
Anonymous
+1. Best for strength and HIIT i think
Ribena
I like Down Dog for yoga and Pilates. They do also have a HIIT app but I don’t use it. I think it’s about £30 a year.
Vicky Austin
I love Down Dog, and I also like Nike Training Club (free).
Abby
yesss to nike training club!
Anon
Beachbody! So many great options, many around ~30 minutes. I think it’s $25 a month? I’m not sure. It’s reasonable though.
all about eevee
The Peloton app is amazing and they have tons of yoga and strength classes. It is $15/month.
Anon
+1 for peleton
roxie
I find Peloton’s yoga and pilates classes to be terrible, FWIW. I use free youtube videos for that instead (Move with Nicole!).
Anon.
I actually love the Peloton strength workouts. They probably still have a free trial, but the digital (no bike) membership is $12.99. I’ve used Beachbody before as well and prefer Peloton, but I’m not sure I can articulate why.
anon
Aaptiv! Great variety for $99/year.
Shelle
I love Sydney Cummings free Youtube strength training videos, and her HIIT workouts.
Anonymous
Building on this, does anyone have a specific recommendation for a beginner series (like a structured program) for strength training that can be done at home with no real equipment? I’d really love a specific recommendation and not “YouTube” or “FitnessBlender has options” – I know it’s on me to find what works but I’m so burnt out decision-wise from some big personal issues. If anyone has an exact series they’ve loved, I would be so grateful.
Rox
Try the Sweat app programs!
Bette
Coming late to this, but Caroline Girvan’s Epic program on Youtube is free and its spectacular.
Anonymous
Thank you!!!
Bonnie Kate
I only do yoga and strength classes, and love Peloton classes A LOT. I do not have the bike or tread and never miss it. I love the variety of classes, the instructors (there’s so many!), and the real music playlists. The real music is a really big key thing for me – fun music keeps me motivated. It’s $13/month and worth it.
I have also done Beachbody On Demand before, and I will say that I think Beachbody does longer programs much better than Peloton does. So if you’re looking for a 6-8 week program, Beachbody On Demand might work out well for you for a little while. I started lifting through Beachbody programs and feel like I got a solid foundation and now am much more confident. I really liked Lift4 and Morning Meltdown 100.
joan wilder
I am a longtime subscriber to Glo (formerly called Yogo Glo) and it is fantastic for yoga, with an enormous library of classes sortable by type, length, style, focus, even body part (hello hip-focused yoga for sitting at my desk all day). I think it is $20 a month? They have started adding some more robust exercise with some HIIT and barre classes as well. I also have a Peloton subscription but use it mostly for workout on my treadmill.
Annony
I love my Mirror. It’s about $1500 for the mirror itself, and $40 for a monthly subscription. Strength, cardio, yoga, barre, dance, etc. live classes and on-demand, you can also do personal training through the camera. Amazing instructors/classes. How is it different than just streaming on your television or app? I’m not sure … I think it’s the instructors and also being able to see yourself. I zone out and get bored whenever I try to workout on an app/video but the Mirror feels different. Maybe because I paid so much for it? Lol … certainly a possibility. If I had the space, I might have opted for a Peloton (ideally a tread, before they started killing small pets) but the Mirror works for our house.
Coach Laura
Peleton digital subscription. $13/mo. You can view on your phone, laptop or TV. Easiest way for me is to cast it to my smart TV via screen mirroring my iPhone but you can also use Roku or Apple TV and probably some other ways. There’s like 50,000 on demand classes so there’s got to be something for everyone.
Anon32
I’ve been using FitOn for about 6 mo and I really like it. They have kickboxing, pilates, Barre, HIIT training, etc. And it’s free! Also, most of the instructors avoid or use very little fat shaming, diet focused language, which I appreciate. I would love more body diversity in their instructor line up though. (I used to do Barre3 online, and they were great about having instructors who looked more like a size 12-16 woman).
Anon
Asking for input with the caveat that yes, should of course be addressing this with a therapist, but I digress. I don’t do well using credit cards, due to a combo of impulsivity and a history (that’s getting better) of trying to mask insecurity with clothing etc. Have run up and paid off large credit card balances and have now fully paid them off (yay!) While I’d like to be a normal adult who can manage a CC and receive the airline points etc, I just cannot similar to how an alcoholic can’t have “just one drink.” What to do? Close them down completely? Request a very low credit limit from the card issuer? My spouse and I are finally almost making a combined income of $200k after not having money for many years. Also, do any of you have totally separate checking accounts for fixed/bill expenses and then one for a set amount of discretionary spending? I feel that we are finally in a place to really be able to make things happen (home renovations, travel, kids’ college) if I can only get my act together. Book recs appreciated as well that are targeted towards folks who are bad with money and impulsive. Thanks!
Anonymous
When we started out we automatically transferred part of our pay to a savings account. Then you only see the chunk intended for monthly spending. We also set a monthly limit on fun spending — we can use the $$ however we want and I spend mine on the spa and clothing. But having a set number is important.
anonshmanon
If you haven’t tried it before, how about not carrying your credit card, put it away somewhere. Delete the info out of Amazon, Target and food delivery apps, oh and where you shop for clothes.
Set up your bank account or the paycheck deposit so that most of the money goes into a separate savings account and your checking account has only what you want to spend each month.
A lot of banks give you a card for your checking account that looks like a credit card, but has no credit. That’s the one you should carry, knowing it can only access money which is actually there.
If you can leave the line of credit open, but stop using it, that would be better for your credit score long term, even if you need to cut up your cards.
Anonymous
This is called a debit card and you should never use it unless you want to give thieves access to your checking account. Some merchants also place large temporary holds on your account (e.g., $100 hold when you swipe at the gas pump, $X per day hold for incidentals at a hotel), which ties up actual $$$ in your checking account but only reduces your available credit on a credit card.
Anon
Debit cards are the answer here and I disagree with 10:18’s statement that using a debit card automatically gives thieves access to your checking account.
Yes, with a credit card you are spending the bank’s money versus your own, therefore if there is a fraudulent transaction you can reject it with the bank and it’s probably a bit easier to handle. But if you keep your debit card info safe, the risk isn’t significantly greater.
However, for the OP, who doesn’t want to allow herself access to credit, I would suggest using either debit or a prepaid card. You could get e.g. an Amex or Visa card which is prepaid (you put in the money first, a limited amount, so it needn’t access all the money in your bank account). It works like a gift card and can be used anywhere those credit cards can be used. This works to limit your spend too so you can put yourself on a budget for spending, and top up the card when you want to.
An alternative is to use all cash of course (or real-time payments etc. if available).
Source – work in the card industry
Anonymous
I keep my credit card info as safe as one can while still actually using the card, and the number still gets stolen at least once a year.
Seventh Sister
I use my debit card constantly and while I’ve had a few fraudulent charges over the years, I keep a really low amount of $ in my checking account and it’s never been an issue to get the money back if there is a bum charge. The only thing I would be wary of with prepaid cards is that a lot of them have hidden fees, or at least they did a few years back when I was considering them as daycare teacher gifts.
Allie
I would only use debit cards in your shoes — airline miles or other rewards hardly seem worth the risk.
Anon
Concur. Airline miles don’t save you money if they cause you to spend more to get them.
Other option is a very, very low limit card.
Anonymous
I do not use a debit card because the consumer protections are so much weaker than the protections on a credit card. My credit card number gets stolen at least once a year, but when that happens the thief does not get direct access to my checking account.
Anon
You can keep a lower balance in the account that is linked to your debit card. I have two checking accounts. One only has $1000 or less at a time and that’s the one I use at times for impulse shopping.
Cora
Agree with autosaving part of your paycheck. You can usually do this either through your companys’ payroll software or the bank. Just never seeing that money in your checking account really does keep it out of mind
One thing that helped me a lot is to set up text alerts every time my credit card balance went above $800, $1000 etc – so even if you don’t want to check, you will be told.
I think its good to have a credit card in case of emergency. Could your spouse get one and keep it, and you don’t?
Anonia
For credit cards, I find that taking them out of my wallet and sticking them in a drawer helps cut down on impulse spending. I don’t have them saved anywhere online, and only use them when traveling or for emergencies. They are fully paid off every month if used. I heard lots of stories growing up of people who had massive credit card debt and that definitely influenced my usage of them.
Anon
How supportive is your spouse? Could you have only one credit card that they hold on to for you, and you use only for specific purchases (e.g. where the consumer protection is beneficial)?
Anonymous
You shouldn’t have your own card. Share one with your DH so that you have full accountability. Get a low limit (like $2000) and set it to autodeduct from your savings account in the full amount every month. I’ve had the same card for 20 years and never once missed a payment because it’s been on autodeduct for the full bill amount since the start. I treat it like a debit card that earns air miles points.
Never ever save your card on any websites. Make sure you have to manually enter it every time. Do not put it on apple pay or similar. Make sure you need to unzip your wallet to get the physical card every time you want to use it. If you find you’ve memorized the number and don’t need to physically go get the card – tell them you lost the card and need a new one. The more steps to use the card, the greater the mindfulness associated with it. You want to have to both physically go get the card and manually enter it on a website in order to make a purchase.
Anonymous
You do you, you don’t need a credit card. However, if you are interested in a credit card (I like the option of having it because it offers more fraud protection than a debit), I would recommend the Discover It Secured card — it offers cash back and is secured (ie, you give them the money up front “just in case”), with a max limit of $2500 (you can start as low as $200). It has a $0 annual fee.
Banking online with Ally (I also have a local credit union), I can (and do!) have as many accounts open as I want – it’s free to request new accounts. I bucket them there for general savings vs. specific savings. Highly recommended. They used to have good savings rates, but I think its around 0.5% now.
Anonymous
I use a charge card, which must be paid off in full every month.
I wouldn’t cancel the existing cards or reduce their credit limits because of the credit score impact. Just put them away and erase the numbers from on-line shopping accounts.
anon
Yes to your second question. We have one account for spending/daily life and another “bills” account. Paychecks are deposited in to bills and then auto transfer an amount to the fun spending account. If the bills account has a surplus of some kind after long enough we either sweep to savings, spend on something we’ve been wanting/needing, or some combo thereof.
Re: credit card. DH had bad CC behaviors when we first met (exceptionally poor modeling by his parents…). It helped to limit him to one card and it was a shared card so there was no way to buy something and hide it, which he sometimes did out of shame for the impulsivity. He was very motivated on earning points and miles when we met, and basically I had to show him that was kind of irrelevant if you’re in mega debt and can’t do anything. It’s a gimmick that can be used to one’s benefit if done responsibly but is also designed to suck you in and perpetuate the bad behavior. I also taught him about net worth and net cash flow – did a monthly cash flow and showed that cash in a bank account did not equate to having money to spend. Finances are my strength (I work in finance!) so I happily manage them and 15 years later his early habits that I described are a distant memory.
Anon
Quick plug for YNAB in your situation. It’s really helpful for actually budgeting and setting aside money for things you need and things you want. There is a free trial for 34 days.
anon
I am not sure it would work for this person. I use YNAB, and while I don’t have the same problem, if I buy something extra on my CC, I just move the allocations around.
I think the best thing for this person is to not use credit cards at all. Have one for emergencies that is not kept in the wallet and use debit for everything else. As someone already mentioned, if you can’t curb your overspending, any airline mile benefits are not worth it.
Anon
You shouldn’t be moving allocations around if you’ve increased spending in one category. Because otherwise, how would you know you’ve gone over? You’ll always be “under budget” and will think you’re doing great, when in reality you’ve over-spent a category and reduced another one to make it work. Only “move the allocations around” at year-end, when you’re planning the next year. You’d say “hm, I did spend more than I thought there. I guess I can up the allocation OR just be more careful.”
anon
There’s no chance I am budgeting for an entire year. The only accounts I care about are my retirement and savings account. I never move anything out of either one when moving stuff around so it doesn’t matter to me if I pulled $50 from eating out to pay for the extra dog toys I bought. Neither is a necessity.
Anonymous
Are you tackling this from the compulsion side? That’s often tied to anxiety. Doing any work on that?
Anon
OP here: there is definitely a compulsion/OCD aspect to this. I honestly feel too ashamed to discuss it with a therapist, and would feel much more comfortable we’re I dealing with something like challenges with alcohol or drugs. Something about the consumerist/capitalist/wastefulness aspect is just so shameful get here I am. I’m working in the self-esteem and self-worth/healing from childhood trauma parts on my own which hopefully will also lessen this challenge.
Anonymous
nonono! Get help! Would you treat your cancer by yourself? No, you’d bring in professionals to help you. If nothing else, it creates discipline around the “change” process.
anonshmanon
FWIW, I view this not so different from other coping mechanisms. Big parts of our capitalist world are optimised to squeeze the individual, and profits are privatized while society pays in stress and pollution. Whether you cope with stress-eating or drugs or make yourself feel better with spending money, all of these are ways that people cope and try to feel in control in a world where they are largely controlled by external factors. You are far from alone!
No Problem
FWIW, therapists have seen it all. It is also literally the therapist’s job NOT to shame you, but to help you understand the source of the shame and work through it. If your therapist shames you for this, get a new therapist. I would also bet money that people dealing with alcohol or drugs feel exactly the same as you do, and would feel more comfortable talking to a therapist about it if they were dealing with a shopping or spending compulsion. The grass is always greener.
Go for it
Have you tried debtors anonymous? There is help in the compulsive spending literature that might prove useful for you.
Anon
Back in the 80’s or 90’s my friend’s mom was in treatment for “compulsive shopping.” This was back before everyone was open about being in therapy. This is a real condition that has been around a very long time. Do not be ashamed.
sfc
+1
OP – your issue is incredibly common, and psychiatrists/therapists see it all the time. It is just a symptom, and the issue is getting to the cause and working through that. And to be honest, drug or alcohol addiction is much more dangerous so you are lucky in many ways! But agree with the others that please do not delay reaching out, as it will only get worse as you get older.
Anon
My friend keeps hers literally frozen, in a ziplock full of water in her freezer. She can’t access it for impulse purchases. She can defrost it for an emergency. I think it’s kind of genius. Her spouse also has a card on the same account so if she needed it immediately (like tow truck on the side of the road) he could relay the info.
Anon
OP here again: Really appreciate all the helpful input and advice. Even discussing it anonymously on the internet is helping me
manage the shame I feel around it.
Anonymous
I’d like to encourage you to tell your therapist about this. If you need to, print out your original post, hand it to him/her, and say “this is me.” Shame flourishes in secrecy. As you’re seeing here, it lessens when we say things to others.
I’m not a therapist, but I do meet with people who tell me their stories. It’s helpful when I know what compulsions/addictions have developed around their traumas.
emeralds
OP, I’m proud of you for posting! Congratulations on paying off your debt–that’s a huge accomplishment–and major kudos for working on a plan for your financial future.
Anon
Thank you. :) Your positive words made me tear up a little bit, tbh. It’s been a struggle!
Anon
You and I could be the same person. I paid off almost $30k in credit card debt two years ago and have kept a mostly zero balance ever since. I did go to therapy and started anxiety medication. That helped quite a bit. But I also gave my husband all of my cards except my debit card and a low-limit emergency credit card. He keeps them locked in a safe and I do not know the combination. That way I have a backup in the event of a true emergency, but if I just wanted to blow a bunch of money I don’t have on clothes or whatever, I would have to get him to open the safe and give me the cards. He would never refuse to get them or even ask for a reason, but by the time I go through all of that I have always rethought the purchase.
Anon
OP here: thanks so much for sharing your experience, and happy for you that you have remained debt free! Helpful to hear from someone who has experienced similar challenges.
Anonymous
If you are going to keep credit cards, you have to stop using them as loans.
You need the mindset that you cannot use a CC if you don’t already have the money to pay the balance in full, every month. It’s fine to use CCs for the fraud protection, miles or whatever, if you can handle it as a more secure way to pay with money you already have. Look at the CC as consumer protection, not a way to borrow money you don’t have right now.
Yes, have a separate account for fixed bills. Yes, have a set amount for discretionary spending. If you can stop using next month’s money with CC, you can use your set amount of fun money on the CC, and pay the balance in full from the money you have already set aside for fun. No fun money left? No more CC.
One way to handle it would be to have a separate bank account that corresponds to your CC balance. Want to spend 100 dollars on your CC? Transfer 100 dollars from your discretionary spending fund into your CC balance account immediately, and as soon as the CC bill comes, pay it off in full from your CC balance account.
anonchicago
Check out Dave Ramsey, his whole business is built around no debt and the theory that most people spend more on credit.
I caveat that yes, he’s very religious and can have extremely conservative views at times, but his recommendations about money are helpful to many people.
Anonymous
If OP is dealing with shame around her spending habits, I’d advise her to stay far away from Ramsey. He is all about the shame.
Anonymous
Counterpoint to Dave Ramsey, who fired a pregnant woman just because she wasn’t married. Check out “Her First 100K”, a feminist financial guru.
anon a mouse
Another option would be to apply for secured cards with low balances, like $500, which will get you in the habit of tracking spending and you won’t be able to spend more than you’ve funded. In conjunction with therapy of course. I applaud you for wanting to make a change!
Anon
For years I had an American Express regular green card because I knew I had to pay it off every month. No running up debt!
Anon
What happens with those if you don’t pay the bill?
Anon
Fines. Not just interest charges. Credit score harm. It’s not good. That’s why it’s good for discipline.
Ribena
The way this colour is showing up on my screen, I wouldn’t wear it with black except at the end of October! Love it with navy and grey though.
AZCPA
It looks close to red on mine, so probably worth a look in person.
Anon
When traveling to visit friends out of town, how do you determine whether it is appropriate or expected to stay at your friend’s home as opposed to a hotel? Are there certain factors you weigh, or do you always default to staying at a hotel absent a clear invitation from the potential host? Do you think the expectations change as you get older?
Cat
Unless we’re traveling to visit our parents, we would never assume we would be hosted! (Late 30s and our friends mostly live in urban areas, so I wouldn’t assume any of them have a dedicated guest room.)
Anonymous
When everyone was poor + single, any horizontal surface was available Bed & Breakfast lodging. Then when people got married, it seemed unseemly to have a friend on the couch (esp. if there was only one bathroom). Then people got older and had an extra bedroom / bathroom (guests welcome), but then came kids (hotel pls!, it usually being mutual). Only with older kids and very large houses does it come up again (good for hanging out & just having to stagger upstairs vs manage in a new city).
anon
If I’m there to visit them specifically then we’re close enough that the factors involved would be about their household situation. Do they live in a small apartment or a roomy house? Do they have children or other family members living with them? And did they bring up hosting you when discussing the visit? For example, I stayed at a hotel when my friend was in a studio apartment. I stayed with her after she bought a house with spare bedrooms, and she offered for me to stay with her. Next time though, probably hotel again because she recently had a baby and I don’t want to impose.
MechanicalKeyboard
In my circle of close friends traveling – to visit them – usually means staying at their home. We are all really direct communicators so we ask to confirm and answer honestly.
Anonymous
If someone invites me to visit I assume I am staying with them. If I say hey I’d love to visit I always include “I’ll stay in a hotel.”
London (formerly NY) CPA
+1
Anonymous
I’m childfree with a 3 bedroom house in a prime tourist location so I generally assume that anyone visiting intends to stay with me. But if there is ever ambiguity asking is so easy!
Anonymous
Expected to stay: parent’s house.
Know I will be invited to stay: aunts and uncles with dedicated guest rooms. Sometimes I stay, sometimes I choose a hotel, it depends on whether I’m there to visit them, or for an occasion. There for a wedding or similar: hotel. There to spend time with them, might stay with them.
Same with great friends: if I’m there to see them, and that’s the only reason I’m there, and they have asked me to some visit and stay with them and they have room for it not to disrupt too much, with them. Otherwise, hotel.
Only people I put up: parents. Don’t have a guest room, and it’s difficult enough to find place to WFH. I have gotten rid of the extra bedding I used to keep as a student, for friends visiting from out of town.
I think ask vs. guess culture is very important here, too. I’m a guess person, and used to struggle with saying no when people asked to stay if they just needed a bed and wasn’t there to visit me. Because I think staying with others is a massive imposition, my guess brain would assume that I was the last resort, and that they were desperate and broke, if they asked me and that I would be a terrible person if I said no, even though I wanted to. I have started to say no, and the ask people always, always have other options.
Also Anon
If I were traveling specifically to visit someone, versus visiting a city where my friends happen to live, I’d figure there’s a good chance I’ll be staying with them. I’d start by offering to get a hotel room if it works better for them, but in all likelihood, they’d say something like “oh don’t be silly, you’re staying with us!”
Now, if I’m visiting a city and my friends live there, I’d opt for a hotel and make plans to meet up at some point.
Anon
If I’m visiting someone I 100% expect to stay with them. If I’m visiting an area and say “hey I’ll be in town, let’s grab drinks” I don’t expect to stay with them, but will if they offer (which is frequent).
Late 20s. Most people still live with roommates and I expect to sleep on a couch or air mattress in a living room or something similar.
Senior Attorney
I always start by assuming I will stay in a hotel. If the friends offer to put me/us up, I may accept or more likely I will politely decline becaise I like my privacy and independence. I am Very Old and the cost of a hotel is not a huge issue so that factors into it, I imagine.
Anonymous
Going to relatives or very close friends’ homes – I expect to stay with them; they also expect me to host when they visit me. I come from a very family-oriented culture so not staying with family or friends that are practically family is almost an insult to your relatives.
Not so close friends – I’ll ask if I can stay with them if they’ve previously said something “you should come to visit us in XYC city sometime, we have a guest bed.” I also let them know that I’m totally fine with booking an AirBnB or hotel if they don’t have room or capacity to host me.
Although sometimes, if I traveled to a city for work and had friends/family in that city, I’d let them know that the firm had paid for a hotel and car and I would just like to hang out.
Anonymous
We live in the suburbs with young (3-9) kids and a large home with a guest room. For childfree friends, we offer to host and they get our full basement, which is finished with a full bathroom. They are also offered the option of our guest room, which is upstairs and shares a main hall bath with our 3 kids– they always pick the basement! Generally friends take us up on this, unless they are in town for other reasons and just swinging through to say hello.
When we host another family, we always offer to put them up. Depending on the kids, we either put all the kids in the basement, they share room(s) with my kid(s) and the parents go in the guest room, or the entire guest family goes into the basement with a combo of the pull-out we have down there + air mattresses. Families with kids almost always take us up on the offer.
Anon
Assume you’re staying in a hotel.
Anon
Since you asked about when it changed age-wise, for me it was when I was 30 and pregnant. We had one bathroom and I had to pee all the time and my ex-FIL loved to sit in there for hours.
Once we had the baby it was even less convenient because of the baby’s sleep schedule, and of course the second bedroom was now her bedroom, which my relatives fully expected me to kick her out of when they were visiting.
It was really hard to broach the subject but we just put on our adult pants and let everyone know there was a local hotel only a block and a half from our house and we’d managed to secure a “good neighbors” rate for any of our guests.
Anon
I have seen this issue create major problems multiple times because people have different expectations. It’s really important to ask instead of assuming that you can stay with someone. For me, if you’re coming just to visit me then it’s totally reasonable to ask if you can stay with me. However, my husband and I live in a major city in a small house with no guest room, both my husband and I work jobs with long hours, and we’re both WFH. Hosting someone is really challenging for us and we can probably only do it for one or two nights on a weekend at best. It really stresses me out when someone assumes that they can stay with us. Even if I love you, it’s not always possible. For me when I visit friends, I almost always prefer to stay at a hotel now that I’m in my 30s because I’m an introvert and I really value having personal space to decompress.
Anon
Do you think it’s OK to air dry clothes in an unfinished basement? I like to air dry most of my clothing, but just moved into a very small house (as a renter), and there really isn’t anywhere besides the basement to set up my drying rack without it being an eyesore. If it matters, there’s a dehumidifier in the basement, but we only plan to run it on especially humid days, as it is quite loud.
Monday
This is what I have always done. Unless your basement is especially damp or smelly, your clothes will be fine.
pugsnbourbon
I have a drying rack in the basement and haven’t noticed things getting musty. Aiming a box fan at it probably wouldn’t hurt.
anonymous
Same. I did that in our old house with an unfinished basement and never had any problems.
emeralds
Same.
Anon
Counterpoint, I’ve been doing this in my basement and recently noticed that any tech fabrics starting smelling musty over time. Have started to hang them in the bathroom to combat.
Anonymous
tech fabrics are like that. I recommend a detergent made for tech fabrics. We use Win. I’ve heard vinegar can also get out a musty smell.
Anonymous
Tech fabrics stink no matter where you dry them in my experience.
Anon
I think tech fabrics need different detergents (enzyme cleansers help).
NYC Girl
I use oxyclean (powder, unscented) when washing tech fabrics. It gets the stink out of mine.
Anon
I fold mine away and stick it under my bed when not in use.
sfc
Yes, this is what I do.
But I run the dehumidifier all the time. It would be too much of a hassle to try to turn it on/off every humid day (unless you live in the desert?) and I would wind up forgetting to use it and things would get musty.
Cat
I would only do this if you run the dehumidifier consistently. (Consider buying a new one if the existing one is that bad – while they aren’t silent, it should be more of a constant moderate fan noise rather than “loud.”)
Anonymous
I would not air dry in an unfinished basement. I’m super sensitive to mildew, and would expect most clothes to get musty and unwearable for me very quickly.
My drying rack is an eyesore as well, but I have bought a smaller one and do small loads in the evening, and dry overnight while I’m sleeping. I do lots of small delicate cycle loads anyway, to keep my clothes for longer. I can fold a small load very quickly in the morning, and the rack folds away very small.
Anon
This may partially depend on where you live and what you consider “humid” – it wouldn’t occur to me that this would be a problem, but I live in the deserts of the Southwest where no one owns dehumidifiers.
Anon
We use a drying rack and just deal with it being an eyesore one day a week on laundry day. It gets us to put away the clothes when they’re dry and not just leave them on the rack like a second closet.
Anon
I love lighter colored towels and sheets. But my husband’s skin and hair must excrete more oils than mine because all the towels and sheets he uses become so dingy (i.e., you can tell where he places his head/body on the sheets and where his hands go on hand towels).
The simple answer would be to buy darker sheets. Does this happen to anyone else? Is bleach the only answer?
Anonymous
Overnight soaking with White Revive or chlorine-free bleach and hot water?
I feel like we are sister wives to the same man. At least with white you have options; you can’t bleach the mystery tan tattersal sheets that hide all (and yet don’t — the phantom shading is still there).
anon
Yes! I am glad someone can relate.
Katie
Maybe a “laundry booster” like OxiClean? I have had good luck with Rockin’ Green, which is especially great for getting a stubborn stink out of workout clothes.
anon
I would change out your towels and sheets more often, since they are in fact no longer clean. Getting dark sheets and hand towels just hides the state of things. Our hand towels in the downstairs half bath are in use for only 2-3 days before they get traded out with all of the COVID-era handwashing, and I’m okay with that. It means we’re both doing well at hand washing!
Bleach is contraindicated for sweat stains, btw. It turns them yellow.
Elle
Have you tried laundry str*pping? I found it to be a great way to restore dingy towels. It’s hot water with borax, baking soda and tide powder. I just followed the instructions on one of the first google results and it made a huge difference.
NYC Girl
Washing more frequently is best course of action. Washing yellowed sheets with a blend of baking soda and vinegar really helps. So does OxyClean. Neither completely eliminates the yellow in my experience. So, we replace our sheets every 1-2 years.
Anon
I bought the Jolie Kerr book to answer questions like this but you can probably google. For body oils, she doesn’t recommend bleach, which can set the stain in rather than remove it. She recommends a soak in hot water with oxyclean.
https://deadspin.com/your-sheets-are-filthy-heres-why-and-how-to-change-1272777768
Before I found her my white sheets had developed a yellow dingy-ness from me thinking bleach was the solution. But then I tried her way, including letting a paste of I think Dawn and Oxyclean sit on the most yellowed parts for a while, then using the pre-soak cycle on my washing machine. I did this for four weeks straight and my sheets were as good as new.
My favorite tip of hers is to put regular cheap white vinegar in the fabric softener compartment of my washing machine for every load. I then just use woolen dryer balls in the dryer, no fabric softener sheets. Fabric softener sheets work by leaving a film on your laundry that just makes them dirtier. I really have liked the results of this method so much more than the old way.
Melanie
The secret to super clean laundry is Dawn! Dawn gets food and grease of dishes really well. Since most of the stains on our laundry are food stains and body oils, I figured it would work there too… and IT DOES.
I also add a splash of Lysol or Mr. Clean (they have a “linen” scent) to get rid of sweaty smells that seem to build up in dryfit activewear with regular detergent. About a measuring tsp (5mL) squirt of Dawn and about 1-2 Tbsp (15-30 mL) of Lysol in my front loading machine. My white towels were noticeably whiter after I came to this realization and switched. I actually started with the Lysol splash added to regular detergent for the workout gear, then replaced detergent with Dawn, since I’d spot treat oil & vinegar salad dressing stains with it.
Coach Laura
OxyClean. I wish I had found this 20 years ago before my husband ruined multiple sets of sheets, pillow cases and towels. I started buying only white so I could bleach them but even bleach didn’t work. After a while I would save one pillow case for him and would give him the smelly one. But now that I use OxyClean – the dry powder that is added to the wash – on every week’s sheet wash, I can no longer smell him on the sheets. I’ve even gone back and treated old sheets and they get nicer after a few washes.
Anonymous
So . . . Governor Cuomo won’t resign; did nothing wrong. Says it’s b/c of the Italian culture he was raised in (WTF?!).
Princess Eugenie’s husband is snapped and shown in the DM with a topless bikini model and *she* apologizes to his wife.
I’m going to need a very strong drink even though it’s early. The world has gone mad.
COra
Italian culture!?!?!
I would think that at the point that the President is telling you to resign Cuomo would muster up some shame, but alas
That’s just so rude to Italians lo.
Anonymous
My Italian friends are livid at that.
Anonymous
If by Italian culture you mean Berlusconi then yes.
Anonymous
There is zero evidence Jack Brooksbank did anything wrong. Not everyone is a total prude like Americans scandalized a woman would be topless. When your job is tequila marketing, this is business.
Anonymous
The model likely did nothing wrong either, so why is she the one saying sorry. [And IIRC, there were many models, maybe just one topless model, but when you leave your wife and baby at home to go on a “work” trip and wind up in the DM, do the details really matter?]
And IMO tequila marketing for a celebrity brand is just not like a real job. It is the sort of job that goes to poorer rich people but isn’t available to people who are actual marketing professionals.
anonshmanon
If your husbands’s job is bar manager and tequila brand ambassador (however much you raise your eye-brows at that), then that’s the kind of work trip that he will go on. There is a difference between marketing professional, and brand ambassador, and it’s to provide celebrity glamor and good vibes at brand-sponsored parties. So lounging around with models seems not unexpected.
Anonymous
And there is no evidence Eugenie is mad. Her mom is all over the press saying this is nonsense and she and her mom are very close. Not at all fair to lump this in with Cuomo.
Anonymous
I just don’t get why the model is apologizing in today’s DM, esp. if no one is upset.
OTOH, no one (I think) would know who this dude is absent this. Maybe he is is getting life coaching from the Kardashians? Any publicity = good publicity.
Anon
Uggg. Great. I’ll join you in that drink.
anon
To add to my anger, the bit of NPR I caught in the car this am about it was someone saying more training would help with sexual harassment. Hard disagree. People know what sexual harassment is, they just don’t care because there are rarely consequences!! There needs to be real consequences and also actual zero tolerance for retaliation against reporters. Training just makes management feel like they are doing something without actually doing something.
Monday
+1. Training seems mainly designed to manage employers’ liability.
Similar to trainings about police use of force, it doesn’t mean anything if there are no consequences for violating rules.
Senior Attorney
Absolutely. Way back almost 20 years ago when it was a new thing, I used to give sexual harassment training courses and the big joke was always “haha we are learning how to harass people!”
Anon
+3 our online sexual harassment training is such a joke that “she should go to the lake house with him if the wants the promotion” is one of the multiple choice answers.
They know everyone knows what they should and shouldn’t do. Someone who thinks the rules don’t apply to them is not going to change their ways because of a video. They know the rules. They’re choosing to break them because they’re special.
Seventh Sister
Doing trainings is also a heck of a lot easier than doing things like changing how institutions are organized. Plus, management can bring in outside trainers so it looks even more like something is happening because actual money is being spent (no offense intended to those trainers, they have a product to sell).
Anon
I did read something interesting about how republicans never resign when caught w/ bad behavior. NY is trying to prosecute Trump. It’s important to have a democrat there. Do we cut off our nose to spite our face?
Anonymous
Cuomo would not be replaced by a Republican.
Anon
If he resigns wouldn’t the lt governor take his place? She’s a democrat.
Anon
Yes. When Spitzer stepped down (in 2006 – the inspiration for The Good Wife), it was David Patterson (then Lt Governor) who became governor.
We would have our first female governor in Kathy Hochul.
roxie
prosecuting trump in NY does not need cuomo. Tish James has it handled.
Anonymous
Neither VA’s governor or LT governor risigned.
Anonymous
VA’s governor was not accused of sexual assault. The lieutenant governor was, which is a big reason I suspect the governor did not resign. The AG was third in line and also had a racist photo scandal.
Anonymous
NY is not prosecuting Trump; NY’s AG, who is independent, is prosecuting Trump.
Anon
The article I read must have been wrong then. It said there would be a special election. LT steps up if the governor was medically incapacitated or something like that. I appreciate you all pointing out that it was wrong.
Anon
This is no way excuses Cuomo’s behavior. And claims that it is just “Italian culture” are frankly ridiculous. But why is it that for some politicians we just move on? I recall the groping allegations involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. He didn’t deny it and perhaps, it was not surprising, given his status as a Hollywood star. No one threatened to impeach him or tried to force him to resign (although he did apologize). Everyone just moved on. Again, not condoning. I just don’t understand why Democrats always have to resign and Republicans don’t….
Anonymous
Both the governor (blackface) and lt governor (s*x harassment/assault) are still in office. Politics > outrage, as the third in like is R and the ones not resigning are Ds.
Anonymous
Because Republicans don’t care about women at all
Seventh Sister
Most of those allegations were made in the context of a very weird election for governor. A lot of people were fed up with the CA governor at the time (Gray Davis) and the big reveal of the allegations was super close to the election. It was like days before the election that the LA Times broke the story, WAY closer to the election than the Access Hollywood tape in 2016.
There wasn’t a good Dem candidate, so much of Arnold’s win was based on name recognition. Also I think there are plenty of men who just don’t care, and/or have a fantasy that if they were rich and famous, women would come out of the woodwork to get $ by denouncing them as harassers. My MIL was convinced that the allegations weren’t true because she’d been on a talk show with him in the 1980s and he hadn’t flirted with her!
EPA
Question for the hive – I just accepted a new promotion at work. As part of that role change, I had to sign a non-compete and non-solicitation agreement. Company is notorious for not negotiating on this agreement, and they have enforced the agreement in some select situations. Out of interest:
– Has anyone outright refused to sign such an agreement as part of their employment agreement? If yes, what were the repercussions?
– Has anyone successfully negotiated the terms of the agreement? (This agreement has no geo restriction, and non-compete is for 18 months. So could I have tried to constrain the geo restriction? Or gone from 12 to 6 months?)
Just trying to informally calibrate. Thanks!
Anon for this
You’d want to consult an employment attorney but, layman’s understanding here – the worse the terms, the better off you may be, because restrictions that are unreasonable aren’t likely to be enforceable. Especially if the company just says “we don’t negotiate” essentially threatening you that you won’t have the job if you don’t sign.
Anonymous
I mean, if by “better off” you mean you want to spend tens of thousands on legal fees and/or alienate your new employer as soon as you start your job, not to mention you limit your job prospects to employers who are willing to fight if the noncompete is enforced.
Anon
Things may be changing in this area. See this Forbes article regarding the Biden administration’s approach to non-compete clauses in employment: https://www.forbes.com/sites/tomspiggle/2021/07/16/president-bidens-recent-executive-order-takes-aim-at-non-competes/?sh=6108725c2cc4
Anon
If you’re interested, you can talk to an employment lawyer who works in your particular jurisdiction. How enforceable the agreement is dependent on which state you are in, as well as the particular wording of the agreements, the business you’re in, your role, etc. No one can say from this post.
To answer your questions, most employers don’t negotiate because these types of agreements are vital to protecting the business. The normal response would be that you can agree or just not have the job. Up to 1-2 years is pretty standard for a time constraint.
-non compete/solicitation lawyer
Anonymous
You might be able to slide under the radar if company has bad record keeping practices (aka no follow up). Otherwise, you can try to negotiate but in many states, know that continued payment of your wage is adequate consideration and you could be fired for not signing it. You might need to take or leave it later. Harder, but you can also negotiate if or when you leave – essentially, get a release, especially if not going to a competitor.
Anon
In my company (just outside F500) if you don’t sign as presented you don’t get promoted. I had an employment look at mine and he said it’s pretty standard. If you have questions about this I’d contact an attorney.
Anon
*employment attorney, oops
Anonymous
A bit of a different take, but you might also consider negotiating a higher salary because of the noncompete. If you won’t be able to work for 1.5 years after you leave this job then the job needs to pay you enough to save up 1.5 years of salary over the time you expect to be in this job.
Anon
A few things:
Do not sign this if you really can’t afford to work for 18 mos after you leave this job. Please imagine a nightmare scenario where, say, you were put in a horrible ethical position or sexually harassed, and you had to leave this employer for your own sanity. Could you afford to not work for 18 mos? If not, do not sign unless your employment contract also _pre-negotiated, NOW_ contains a clause where you will get 18 mos of severance. Really.
The lack of geo restriction is not good, and the time period is quite long. I really do encourage you to consult an employment attorney because as another poster mentioned above, negotiating this down to what is “reasonable” could hurt your case to get it tossed as unenforceable. But for it to be unenforceable, you’d have to litigate that which could take months to years, you could lose your next (new) job for even having the non-compete and it could be horribly expensive. It would be a pyrrhic victory.
If you don’t sign, you likely will not be able to work at this employer.
An agreement like this could financially ruin you and your family if not entered into carefully. Get a non-compete lawyer to review it.
Anonymous
What is the oldest and youngest age of the person you would seriously consider marrying or a date long-term? I don’t expect you all to tell me your age – so maybe the top number of years on both ends? I’m mid30s and finding I get suggested to date guys in their mid20s all the way up to 50. I’m also considering online dating for the first time and a little overwhelmed about picking an age range.
FWIW- no kids, sterile but open to stepmom role if the right fit, partner in a regional midsize firm (have my own money).
Anonymous
I’m 38 and open to dating men 30-48.
Anon
About five years in either direction, maybe 7 on the upper end and 4 on the lower end.
all about eevee
I am 33. I am married (to a man who is 2 years younger than me) but if I was dating again, I would want to date people who were 30 – 40. I have a friend who met and married a man in his late 50s when she was in her mid 30s. They are in love and make a good couple, but their age difference has become more pronounced for the both of them now that twenty years has gone by. Watching what she has gone through and some of the problems she has had in her marriage because of the age difference has definitely impacted my thoughts on age and relationships.
Anon
Right now, I would go 10 years up and maybe 5 down. That bottom range would expand as I get older (if I’m 50 and can snag a 40 year old. I’ll be good with that!) Don’t think the top range would change though. For reference, I’ll be 32 in a few weeks and husband is almost 39. We’ve been together 12 years and that 7 year age difference has felt different at various points in our relationship.
Anonymous
Married and 41 but if DH passed away, I would date early 30s to 50ish (maybe 52?). Basically a 10 year range in either direction. DH is fitter at 45 than he was at 25. And his boss got divorced and her new boyfriend is about ten years older than her but twice as active as her ex was (Have you seen the Scottish Olympic cyclist who is 50? I’d date him any day of the week) So basically, for older guys I think activity level matters a lot in terms of how old they seem.
For younger guys, career sort of matters because I think in mid 20s it reflects maturity to a certain extent. Like is he still finishing his masters degree at 27 and no idea of where he wants to work or is he 28 and has been working in a trade for close to 10 years and owns his own home?
Anon
I’ve always heard of the “half your age plus 7” rule and I feel like it decently holds up. I’m 40, so my age range is roughly 27 to 66. Those are probably the outliers – they’ve have to be exceptional for their age in someway, but in the 30-59 range I don’t think I’d bat an eye.
Anonymous
Oh, no way. I am 44. Even when I was 27, I could not find any suitable 27-year-old men who were ready to act like adults. On the other hand, I would not want to marry a guy more than a couple of years older than me because I’d end up wasting my retirement as a caregiver.
Anonymous
Wow. I thought that formula applied only to wealthy old men seeking their second wife.
Anon
I started dated mid 30s post divorce with a kid. I only dated people older than me, up to 10 years older. Right or wrong but I felt like I was “older” myself because of the life experiences I had so didn’t want to date someone younger. I ended up with someone who was 2 years older than me but never been married and is very “young” in spirit/life experience. So I probably could have easily gone 5 years younger.
Anon
I would start with 30-45 and then adjust it as you run through the candidate pool.
Anon
I’m 41, and would be open to guys from about 35-55. So about 5 years down or 15 years up.
Anonymous
I am 47. I would say maybe 6 years up and 12 years down. But at the younger end of the scale, if we are talking about serious relationship, it would have to be someone absolutely stone cold certain he doesn’t and will never want kids, which has been an issue before when I was being told that but felt uncomfortable anyway so kept things less intense.
Anon
This conversation came up at a friend happy hour the other day, because a friend of a friend is 48 and going through donor-egg IVF (she’s now on her third round) because she married a guy who is 38 and has decided actually, he really isn’t okay never having his own biological children and he wants to have one, despite what he said when they got married. This woman has 18- and 20-year-old children from a previous marriage and supposedly new hubby was “totally fine” with not having his own kids, until he wasn’t. If this woman is happy with her choices, that’s fine, but I cannot imagine being menopausal and putting myself through IVF with a donor egg – and then restarting parenting again from Day Zero and being 60+ years old with a kid (or more, because I’m guessing younger hubby will do the whole “well, it’s not fair that little junior doesn’t have a sibling” thing) still at home. I am 44 and married; if something happened to my husband and I went back into the dating market I have to say that I could see myself with a 37-year-old easier than I can see myself with a 55-year-old. But hearing about my friend-of-a-friend’s experience gave me pause and if I were in her situation, my answer would be getting a divorce, not running to the fertility clinic. As you’re saying, if I dated a younger guy he would have to be absolutely, positively, without-a-doubt, 100% certain he didn’t want kids (or didn’t want more kids) because my baby-making shop has been marked “permanently closed.” I ain’t doing pregnancy and little-kid parenting again in my late 40s/early 50s for anyone, I don’t care how cute he is. Chris Evans could be the one asking and the answer would still be “hell no.”
BeenThatGuy
I’ve been with my SO for 6 years; I’m 45 and he’s 32. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever sought out a relationship with someone 13 years younger. But we met speed-dating and clicked. We are an intellectual match and want the same things out of life. The age difference mattered a lot more in the beginning than it does all these years later. Our families came around to the idea when they saw how happy we make each other.
Anon
I’m mid30s also. I would consider 30 – 40. Five years each way is realistic for me. I don’t know if I’d mesh well with someone much older or much younger than that.
Anonymous
When I was in my 20s I dated guys 20 years older, and I eventually married a man 8 years older. Now that I’m in my 40s, I’m really glad I’m not married to someone in their 60s. I can only imagine being married to an 80 year old when I’m 60. Aging starts to accelerate! If I were you I would limit to 10 years older and however much younger is appealing.
sfc
+1
I’m single, no kids, 50-ish. After being a caregiver to elderly parents, I have zero interest in being a caregiver to an older, aging spouse. My age range preference for a partner is very small, which is very impractical so I decided long ago that I will age alone.
Remember, most men will die/become disabled several years before you do. So if you are 10-20 years younger, you will spend lots of those golden years alone or unable to travel/enjoy an active retirement.
Yes, yes all of you from wealthy backgrounds with perfectly fit parents who live long and actively into their 80’s say it can be done without the female spouse becoming the caregiver. But that doesn’t happen for most of us, and your parents were probably close in age.
And the data on men taking care of a disabled spouse is miserable, so marrying someone much younger would always be a no go for me too.
Anonymous
My dad is 63 and is seriously dating a woman that is 56. They are really, really happy.
anon
I had to stop using age because age as a number isn’t as important as stage of life and maturity, IMO.
I think that age is more relevant when you are thinking about having a family or whether you want to be a step-parent to young vs older kids though. At this point in my life (41), the majority of eligible men in my town are divorced with kids. No desire for involvement with young kids tends to throw me up in the late 40s early 50s age bracket. This is fine with me.
That said, if a guy in his early 30s didn’t want kids and was otherwise mature and stable, I’d be game!
Anonymous
I am much more interested in dating older for that reason. I’m 40 and my range is 10-12 years older. I probably could go two or three years younger but the circumstances would have to be exceptionally positive.
Anon
When I dated online I did 10 up and 5 down. Realistically wanted my age, and my husband is 10 months older than me so it worked out. I screened as I went along.
Anonymous
In my mid-thirties I had about 29-40 as my range, about five years either way. I’ve never found older men attractive, and that preference is getting stronger as time goes. Strongly prefer similar age.
MechanicalKeyboard
5 years down an 25 years up.
Anon
25 years up, really? So you’d be cool being 40 and having a 65-year-old spouse? I am 44 and my husband is 50 and I gotta say, I could see it still working if he was ten years older (so 54) but beyond that, I have trouble understanding how the differences in life stage would work for us. I know it does for some people but I don’t think it would work for me. As it is we’re having to work out issues regarding retirement timing for both of us.
Senior Attorney
As I noted below, 40 vs. 65 is not the issue. It’s 70 and 95 where things get ugly.
Anon
One of the happiest couples I know has a 20 year gap BUT:
(1) He had kids from an earlier marriage and she definitely did not want kids. If either of those things had not been true, this could have been a dealbreaker.
(2) She was definitely of the “work really hard and retire at 55” school while he was the “I want to work as long as I reasonably can” school so they retired when she was 50 and he was 70 in hopes of having a solid decade of active retirement. Again, if he had needed or wanted to retire at 60 or 65, this would have been a real problem.
(3) He is very active (more than she is) and healthy but also they are not attached at the hip. They both can and do take time to travel and do things with other people. They have both talked about how that will likely accelerate as he gets older and she wants to do things he physically cannot.
(4) He is rich (BigLaw partner and their life style was not over the top) and money soothes a lot of woes – particularly around caregiving. They have really complicated estate plan intended to protect her (considerable) personal assets and her life style when he dies while also protecting his kid’s inheritance from any second husband.
These are really, really smart people who are not afraid to have frank discussions with each other about aging and life changes. They hashed a lot of this out before they even got married. And even with all of that, I worry about her quite a lot simply because he has been the most important thing in her universe since she was 26 and I am not sure how she is going to handle losing him.
sfc
Yes, it is a completely different world when you are rich.
roxie
I’m 42 and my partner is 44. I see my friends who when they were 35ish married guys 10 years older and now they really are married to old men – something about that 5 years where a guy goes from 47 to 52 is where for me they really start to show their age. To each their own but I am not ready to be with an “old man” so when I look and my friends and their old man husbands i am a little horrified.
I never really dated younger and have only ever gone 5 years older.
Anonymous
Someone should warn your partner of your views!
Monday
No, because she is going to remain 2 years younger than him. She’s talking about women with husbands 10 years older. I totally relate.
Anon
I posted elsewhere that I am 44 with a 50-year-old husband, and roxie is not wrong. My husband is fit and very active, and engaged with his work and his hobbies and all of that, but he has definitely aged faster in the last few years than I was ready for. I noticed it when he turned 48, he just seemed to be…slowing down a little, not mentally or physically, but he became less open to doing new things or shaking up his routine. He doesn’t look old, but he sometimes has this old-man mindset that’s frustrating. He used to be up for doing spontaneous things pretty much whenever, but now he’s very happy to sit in the backyard and drink a beer and he pushes back if he doesn’t want to go check out the band playing at the taproom down the street, etc. which he used to be very enthusiastic about. I’m not that much younger than him chronologically, but sometimes the gap feels wide as I’m still very much up for going out with friends, checking out new restaurants, doing weekend jaunts out of town, etc. Even when he does those things with me, it seems like sometimes that stuff takes more energy than he wants to give to it. I don’t want him to become “old and set in his ways” before it’s time for that, if that makes sense.
Anonymous
OMG this. Exact same ages and exact same issue. I am growing outward and he is collapsing inward.
all about eevee
Yes, this is what has happened to my friend in her relationship with the 25 year age gap.
Anon
I’m early 30’s and personally would not be interested in dating anyone younger than me. I’m married but if I was single I would probably consider up to mid-40’s.
Senior Attorney
My first husband was 17 years older than me — would not recommend although that wasn’t what led to our breakup. Second husband was 7 years older and that was not an issue. Current is 11 years older and although in a perfect world we’d be closer in age, he’s super healthy and active and leaves me in the dust on bike rides and says he has every intention of out-living me. So it’s fine.
My next-door neighbor is 70ish with a 90-plus-year-old husband and that is not a scenario I’d be interested in at all.
Senior Attorney
Oh, I will say we are having a bit of an issue coordinating our retirements. We’ve agreed on both retiring in 2 1/2 more years, when I’m 65 and he’s 76, but if it were solely up to me I think I’d hang in a while longer.
roxie
this is such a good point. it doesn’t matter when you’re 30 and 45 but when you’re 50 and 65 and trying to match lifestyles it could be a huge source of tension.
Anonymous
Health matters hugely. My mom is 65 and my MIL is 72, you’d think their ages were the opposite. My mom seems like she’s 70+ and my MIL could easily pass for 10 years younger with all the cycling and skiing and hiking.
Anonymous
The bottom end of the range isn’t a very strict cutoff. I’d have reservations about anyone under 30 but I wouldn’t take a hardline, maturity in your 20s is so individual. As for the upper end, I’d cap it out around 10-15 years. First, I want kids so I don’t want my husband to be retiring before our kid is even in high school. Second, I want a fun retirement. If my husband is over 80 when I turn 65 then there’s a very real possibility that we’re not going to travel and hike and be as active as I want to be for as long as I want (I know some 80-somethings who are still active, not so much with 90-somethings though).
Anonymous
I’m divorced from a man my age. Now, I’m 37 and have the dating app set for people 29-44. Realistically, most everyone I’ve been on dates with is 32-39. A lot of men older than that have kids and don’t want more. I have no children and want at least 1.
Anonymous
I’m 37 with 3 kids and no real desire to have another (DH is snipped). If I were suddenly dating again, I would look at men 35-45 but a lot of it would depend on their family situation/compatibility with mine. A 35 year old ready to start a family looking for 3 bio kids would not be a good fit for me at this point.
Allie
I’m 42 and married but would probably set my filters at 33-51 if I were dating.
Brunette Elle Woods
I’ll be 36 next week. I’d date as young as 32/33 and as old as 44/45.
Anonymous
36. 21-35
Anon
I’m a newly-promoted partner and supposed to meet a client for a football game at Notre Dame in September. I think they are tailgating beforehand, and I might be invited to that as well. No idea what to wear. If you search “what to wear to college football game”, it shows crop tops and miniskirts. I am very much not a sports person and have never been to a big game. Help!
Anonymous
You may need a clear purse or backpack to enter a stadium. They make them where you can get the trim in colors that might work with the ND team colors. I have one with bright orange trim (covered a few bases) but was torn on not getting kelly green. #decisions
Re tailgating, it’s hard for a grownup woman. Guys are in team polos and khakis and beer. Women can be in Lilly Pulitzer-clone items in team colors (so: maybe a maybe look at Vineyard Vines type gear, as it can be more sedate than Lilly if you’re not normally a Lilly person). Can you ask around? ND alumni are very football loyal and someone at work may know better and let you know. I’m more used to SEC/ACC/CAA schools.
Elle
Caveat I’m from the south where football attire is more formal. I would wear a navy or yellow dress a la J. McLauchlin. Since its the Midwest you could also get away with jeans and a blue or yellow shirt. Make sure if you’re carrying a purse it’s within regulations for the stadium you’re going to!
Anonymous
How do you wear a skirt or dress to climb around in a stadium? Shorts underneath?
Anon
Climb? It’s a stadium not a hike. It’s literally just stairs.
Anon
I think she’s referring to the open aspect of the stairs and that people may be below looking up. In my college days I didn’t care one bit. Now, I doubt anyone would want to be looking.
anonymous
I live in a Big Ten college town in the midwest. It’s definitely less formal here. I think the jeans and t-shirt idea is a good thing. Go with dark wash jeans and some shirt in team colors. You may be able to find something with the team logo on it. It will probably be warm enough in September to not need a jacket during the day, but it could get cooler if it’s an evening game.
emeralds
Yes, Big 10 football = your preferred version of nice jeans + a shirt in an appropriate color.
Semi-related anecdote: my generally sharp and well-dressed husband and I have only ever had one single “you’re wearing THAT??” mini-fight. It was when he (a Big 10 guy) came downstairs wearing jeans and a hoodie to go to one of my (an ACC girl) school’s football games. He refused to change because he was sure I was exaggerating how much people dressed up.
The next time we tailgated at my school his a** was in khakis and a button-down.
London (formerly NY) CPA
From a G00gle search, it looks like everyone wears green (“Fighting Irish”), rather than navy and gold, so if you had something green, I’d probably wear that. A green dress, chinos with a green sweater, etc.
Curious
Correct. Do not wear yellow. It will look like you’re rooting for Michigan even if they’re not playing that week.
Anonymous
Go Maize!
LaurenB
You’re going to look like a moron in South Bend, Indiana wearing a dress to a football game. That’s a uniquely Southern thing.
Anon
So rude.
Anon
Maybe, but she’s correct. I’m in the West and I have never seen women in dresses at a football game, everyone wears jeans or leggings. If I saw someone in a football game in a Lilly Pulitzer dress I would definitely do a double-take.
Anonymous
You’ll need to wait and see what the weather is! September could be 80 and humid (shorts, sneakers, top on team colors) or 50 (jeans, sneakers, top, jacket).
Anon
This is easy. Work + casual circumstance = smart casual. For something like this, think all-American – nice jeans or chinos/cords, sweater, PRACTICAL SHOES, and a jacket for warmth.
Cat
No do not wear chinos to a football game. I would wear nice jeans with a top in team colors. Bring layers! If it’s an evening game it will get cool, if it’s an afternoon game you may need more or less clothing depending on whether your seats are in the sun.
Anon
Agree, I would probably not wear a dress or chinos. It seems kind of stuffy and people are there to have fun. I went to a school with a big football program and I’d expect the crowd to be mostly in jeans and rather intoxicated and unruly. Chanting along with them is part of the fun.
FP
OMG chinos. I cannot. Do not wear chinos to a football game. I am in SEC country so have been to my share of tailgates – if the weather is warm, school t-shirt and jeans, sensible shoes (casual sneakers or sandals). Bring a bag with layers for the tailgate but know you probably can’t bring the bag into the stadium. If you want to find nice ND apparel – Peter Millar and Vineyard Vines usually have collegiate stuff that isn’t too in your face and fits well. I also found “Women’s Champion Heathered Navy Notre Dame Fighting Irish Field Day Quarter-Zip Jacket” – that would look great with jeans and super appropriate.
Anonymous
For the love of all, do not wear “chinos” for anything.
roxie
sometimes i swear the women on this board who give fashion advice are actually a Golden Girl
coffee
I would do smart casual, like the same as you’d wear to a company BBQ in the fall. Definitely comfortable shoes, and add a team color if you can.
Anon
Nice jeans plus a ND shirt or a shirt that is at least one of the team colors.
Anon
Golf stores by me have very nice college apparel — look for Nike golf tops or pullovers with ND logos. There should be plenty if you’re in the area (I’m in Metro Detroit and we definitely have ND stuff here, and I imagine this stuff would be easy to find in GR and Chicago as well).
Aunt Jamesina
It seems so wasteful to buy team apparel if you aren’t a regular fan of that team or don’t regularly attend games. I would just wear jeans, a nice top (in a team color *if* I already owned an item in that color), and some sort of jacket.
anon
I went to ND. Very casual. Jeans, sneakers, and some sort of either ND t-shirt or something totally not affiliated with either school (like a white or grey shirt). September in South Bend weather can vary wildly. There are days in September where people get really sunburned at games. I don’t know the current rules on carrying bags in, so you might want to check that. Tailgating plus the game is a long day. Dress comfortably.
LaurenB
You’ll do jeans, nice sneakers, and a casual top, preferably a Notre Dame one – go buy a t-shirt or a sweatshirt. No crop tops or miniskirts, and that Lilly Pulitzer / J McLaughlin sundress look is SEC-land only.
Anon-na-nah
If warm, I’d wear scalloped shorts and a top in the appropriate team color(s) or an actual ND fitted tee.
Former Southerner
Piling on here – do not wear a dress or skirt. In the South, they dress up for college football but that does not apply anywhere else. Wear nice dark wash jeans, a pair of fashionable sneakers (I do not recommend sandals because your feet will get filthy), and a green top. Do not buy a ND shirt. It will look odd if you have no connection to the school. Check the weather, but I recommend planning a light jacket. Depending on start time, you may want a hat or baseball cap.
Also the check the bag requirements and follow them. Otherwise you will look super high maintenance and unprepared.
Anon
I come from a very, very sports-oriented family so have been to more collegiate and professional sports games than I can count, as an observer who really doesn’t care about sports myself. I just want to echo the tip about not wearing team gear if you don’t normally support the team (or have any connection to the schools whose teams are playing). Wearing gear from a particular team signals that you know the team (and the sport) and it’s weird to do that if you don’t have the background knowledge to back up what you’re signaling by wearing the gear. It will get you roped into uncomfortable conversations about the team where people will be talking about things you don’t understand and asking questions you can’t answer. (Ask me how I know.) Also, some hardcore fans are extremely sensitive to people who don’t follow or support their team all the time wearing team gear just for one event or situation, and while they may not say anything to you, they won’t like it and won’t think positively about you for doing it. Probably not the impression you want to make with professional colleagues. Wearing something with the team colors (but no logos, and not something that looks like a sports jersey) is probably fine, although I would default to wearing jeans, some kind of attractive and comfortable neutral top, and sneakers. Bring a light jacket (and light gloves, trust me on this one) if the day’s going to be cool or the game’s going to run into the evening.
lime
Just now seeing the bright colored sheath dresses from the post yesterday. I did a big try-on of everything in my closet last week, and not one of these made the cut. Something about these bold solid colored dresses made me feel like… idk, a news anchor? A spouse on the campaign trail? Not sure, but it wasn’t a look I was feeling anymore.
I will say, though, that donating 4 garbage bags full of clothes felt goooood. I donated one whole bag of fancy dresses to someone who runs a high school drama department (as the prom closets in my area are full and not accepting donations) and the rest to a thrift store where victims of DV can shop for free.
Anon
Same! Just started wearing business cas again to work and all my old colored sheath dresses just feel wrong. Same with color blocking and geometric patterns. I just want to buy loose long skirts and pants, flowy tops in neutrals and messy florals. I really envy your four bags- I’m afraid to part with anything!
Cb
Thanks for giving me the nudge to go through my summer stuff while people will still be looking for it in the charity shops.
pugsnbourbon
That’s clever to think of the drama department!
I donated a bunch of office clothes to the free store we have for students. I’d restocked right before the pandemic so the stuff is in good condition. I hope folks find it useful.
lime
I asked my neighborhood group for advice when I found that the prom dress donation places weren’t accepting donations! That’s also how I found out about the thrift store that catered to women leaving abusive relationships, as Dress for Success *also* wasn’t accepting donations! I guess EVERYONE in my town is purging their closets these days.
Anonymous
I am also feeling that these dresses are outdated. I was about to order two gorgeous sheath dresses from The Fold and have decided that they will be completely passe before I ever get to wear them.
I’m not sure exactly what is going to replace the sheath dresses, though. Shift dresses seem to be gaining traction, but they look odd with blazers.
Anon
I didn’t click through the post, but saw the little box at the top of the page and looked at all those dresses and just thought they looked dated.
editor
I saw them and thought of Joan from Mad Men. So that’s pretty dated as well.
Cat
I actually think this is why they look dated at this point (rather than classic) – when Mad Men was first airing it sparked a trend in officewear to go back to those super tailored styles… but that’s over a decade ago at this point.
Cat
Same – I did a big try-on last year and the bright sheaths and skirts did not make the cut.
Senior Attorney
Joining the team! I just gave away all my solid color work dresses to the Assistance League thrift store. (Good idea about the high school drama dept — will keep that in mind!)
Anon
Wait – does this count black and navy too?
Anon
TOTALLY – like a news anchor. There is something plasticine about these dresses now. It is also the shape – like a barbie dress. It is a male gaze dress, if you will.
Anon
I think bright sheaths occupied an in-between spot that does not much exist anymore. Pre-pandemic, they were formal but not suits, tailored but not stuffy, able to show some personality but the equivalent of suits. I don’t think that space really exists anymore; if you’re not in a suit, you’re probably not looking for something that tailored (hello, minor weight fluctuations meaning it no longer fits) and uncomfortable (after a year of working in pajamas).
notice period repost
Reposting from yesterday afternoon –
Y’all – thank you to however told me to take the interview a couple months ago when I first posted about leaving public accounting. Offer is being worked out right now for a role I’m excited (scared but excited) about. Got the call as I was walking in the door after the last round of interviews so hopefully I can be giving my notice in a few days.
There’s a deadline for some admin tasks on our clients at the end of the month, and schedules for the rest of the fiscal year are still flexible and subject to change at this point. So, the project/client hand off should be fairly smooth. But I’m afraid I’ll still be carrying old job baggage with me when I leave. I should have a week or so off between the old and new jobs.
Advice for getting from accepting an offer and through your notice period? Any rituals or ideas for letting go of an old job and refreshing yourself for something new? Especially if your leaving a job that’s taken an emotional/mental toll over the years.
Senior Attorney
I don’t really have much advice but I just wanted to say congratulations!!
notice period OP
Thank you! I had an offer before this one but I didn’t have any excitement about it. Managers and Partners obviously don’t want me to leave and are pushing the “you’ll find better opportunities after a year as manager. you could get a controllership if you stay another year”. But this feels right for me, and keeps me in that individual contributor role that I really enjoy. Just thinking about staying in public another year makes me feel sick to my stomach.
anon for this
I have searched Google, Yelp, etc. but looking for more personal recommendations beyond Home Depot, Lowes.
Remodeling bathrooms and seeking an independent store that sells tile in the Bethesda/Silver Spring area.
Anon
Check out Amicus Green Building Center in Kensington. I didn’t use their design services but I bought supplies from them when I was redoing my kitchen/bath and had a good experience.
Anonymous
Don’t to to the Ann Sacks / Waterworks place in Georgetown. It will ruin you for anywhere else.
Daffodil
I love the Waterworks in Georgetown. But agreed, it will ruin everything else.
Check out Porcelanosa in Rockville- if I remember correctly from a few years ago, they had a good number of displays and options.
anon a mouse
Mosaic Tile in Rockville. I haven’t been to that one specifically but the one in Fairfax is terrific.
Pep
+1 to Mosaic Tile in Rockville. This is where we got the tile for DBF’s kitchen.
Anonymous
We like The Tile Shop in Rockville.
Anonymous
Architectural Ceramics
anon
For those of you who have done microblading, was it worth it? what are the pros/cons? I’m seriously considering this now and am curious
anon
I can’t really help you as I haven’t had it done, but the reason I haven’t had it done despite filling in my brows when I put makeup on is that I have yet to see it done where it’s not obvious that it has in fact been done. At least with my brow stuff, I can keep it soft and the intensity is adjustable.
Anon
So, I know people here are generally anti-microblading, but I have it and really like it. For context I have thick bushy brows but they’re patchy in a few areas. The microblading filled in the patchiness. I still do add some brow makeup, but it’s 100x easier and faster with the microblading. I had it done for free because I modeled for an instructor during a course, but would definitely pay $$$$ to have it done again when it’s worn off. FWIW, that was in October 2019 and they still look good.
coffee
I got it done a couple years ago and have been happy with the immediate results as well as how it’s faded. You’ll want to double and triple check that you’re going somewhere with the absolute highest sanitary practices and somewhere where you can see lots of pictures of their work online. I specifically wanted a very natural look just to fill in a few gaps and even out my brows, so I selected a place that specialized in that vs the giant brow look that is popular with lots of influencers.
Anon
I’ve had it done with two touch ups. I love it and my brows look great and very natural. Similar to plastic surgery, you only notice the obvious work. The key is to go to a very skilled artist that does not work by eyebrow trends. I go to a micro laser that focuses on cancer and slope is patients so her work is to make it look as natural as possible. Scrutinize their portfolio carefully. It will be spendy (mine is major city MCOL was $450 for first and $150 for follow up which is always needed first time) but will absolutely improve the balance of your face. I do think a big part of having it look natural is having brown or darker hair and having at least a little natural hair to blend the strokes. Also having oily skin can result in slightly less crisp lines.
Anon
Late reply,
I’m going in two weeks. My eyebrows are sparse and lighter than my hair color. Dyeing doesn’t help because I just don’t have enough brow hairs.
I do not want sharpie brows. That would look ridiculous on me. So I waited until I saw someone’s work I liked. It’s a small studio in Oakland that puts a lot of their work on their Instagram account. They definitely have pictures of people who wanted and got a very sharp, defined brow. But most of their pictures are of women in my general age group who want softer and not dramatic brows, and they are very natural looking and convincing. I’m looking forward to it.
Anonymous
Shopping help, please! What would you wear to a wedding in mid September in the Hamptons? Not black tie, ceremony is in a church, reception at a private club. I feel like every time I don’t have an event coming up, I see a ton of dresses that I love, but don’t buy because I can’t justify it… and then now that I have an event I need a dress for, I find absolutely nothingI like. Size 14-16, large chest (so needs to have sleeves/thick straps so my chest doesn’t fall out). Knee length or longer is what I feel comfortable with, and probably not more than $350. Always open to rentals, but didn’t see anything I liked on RTR when I looked last week. TIA!!!!
Anonymous
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/tadashi-shoji-tie-sleeve-lace-cocktail-dress/5003142?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses%2FCocktail%20%26%20Party&fashionsize=size%2FWomen%3A%20Apparel%2F16%2C%20XL%7Csize%2FWomen%3A%20Apparel%2F14%2C%20L&color=469
Anonymous
I. Love. This.
roxie
I’d look at Farm Rio!
Anon
I think this is pretty fabulous! Fun color – satiny
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/kay-unger-floral-satin-belted-midi-dress/6087986?
Jules
Nordstrom is a good place to look. If you’re looking for something on the dressy side as opposed to Hamptons beachy, there’s this:
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/karen-kane-scalloped-lace-cocktail-dress-regular-petite/3589743?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpm&utm_campaign=2836_j009167_3657&utm_content=+gieao_DCOImage_computers&utm_term=54189194124&utm_channel=low_nd_display_acq&sp_source=google&sp_campaign=2836_j009167_3657&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI3PGuxpnE7AIVFMzACh3elACLEAEYASAHEgLshvD_BwE&epik=dj0yJnU9bWg4R3hCbnk5clJXU1ZUU2k3Z3lrZ1lWWU81NXhtT2QmcD0wJm49cjdpQzR3aXJMWXpWSkpxZk0wRzJiZyZ0PUFBQUFBR0VLMDZz
There’s also an all-black version but it’s not available in XL. I like that it’s a v-neck; I’m a 12-14 with a large chest and v-necks are by far the most flattering on me.
Anonymous
RTR defaults to what is currently available. Select all available and see if you like the options better.
Shop for me
Shopping help….
My friend has asked me to MC her wedding in a few weeks … what should I wear? I haven’t been to a wedding in more than a decade.
Wedding is about 50 people at a golf course in Western Canada (expect it to be reasonably warm outside). Bridesmaids are wearing “seafoam”.
I’m mid 40’s and pear shaped. Budget is flexible but $200-300 target. I am coming from the US & can shop online or in any big city stores.
(All COVID rules, testing, protocols etc will be followed for anyone hung up on that)
Senior Attorney
I think coral or lavender would be nice with seafoam. Or if you want to be more matchy you can do a deeper teal or turquoise.
Senior Attorney
The first dress linked in the tread above would be gorgeous!
pugsnbourbon
Looking for help brainstorming a vacation destination. Was originally hoping to sit on the beach in Florida for a week in October, but the Covid situation gives us pause.
We both like good food, architecture, scenery, and quirky spots. I like warm weather and museums. No kids; want to stay in the continental US. I’d love any ideas you might have!
Anonymous
Santa Fe. Won’t be Florida beach warm but October is very pleasant. Sunny mild days, cool nights. Hands down has everything you are looking for.
Diana Barry
Where are you coming from?
pugsnbourbon
Indianapolis.
Cat
If your FL destination is quieter (think Naples, not Miami) I’d keep your plans… get an Airbnb house with its own pool and bring your own chairs to the beach, get takeout meals. No one is catching Covid 20 feet from others on the beach.
Anonymous
St. Pete has the Dali Museum. Hotel Vinoy has been in movies.
Or Mobile / Dauphin Island.
Lobby-est
And St Pete has the Dale Chihuly museum in a beautiful downtown!
anonymous
New Orleans would fit the bill for good food, architecture and quirky spots. It should be pleasant there in October.
Anon
Normally, I would agree with you. But, if OP is worried about COVID, then def do not come here. Louisiana is a hotbed for COVID at the moment and three major festivals are scheduled for October, if we’re not back on full lockdown by then. So, on top of COVID concerns, it’s going to be massively crowded for festivals. I’m at the point where I’m wishing I could find a way to move out of state before then.
anonymous
Thanks for sharing the information! I wasn’t aware of that. We have some airline credit to use up and were thinking about New Orleans, but looks like we’ll have to look elsewhere.
Anon
Yes, it’s an utter nightmare. In the last few days, we’ve actually hit peak hospitalizations with numbers higher than the beginning of the pandemic.
Anon
You may be able to extend your credits. Earlier this year, ours were expiring so we just booked a random weekend trip to DC. Delta just announced we could cancel and extend our tickets through Dec. 2022 so we did.
pugsnbourbon
Yeah, I should have mentioned that. New Orleans has been on my to-visit list for a long time but worried about Covid putting a wrench in things (we are vaccinated).
Anon
We have a hotel and flights for St. Pete Beach in Florida for February break. Debating whether to cancel or wait and see. Have gone every Feb for a few years prior to covid, and it’s always felt like a mellower area of Florida. Maybe consider there vs. Miami/Orlando if you’d booked a busier spot? Or Georgia/South Carolina?
AnonMPH
It’s certainly too early to decide whether to cancel. The situation is Florida has changed dramatically in a couple of months. If you want to go in February, you’re not going to have a realistic idea of how the Covid situation will be until January.
Anonymous
The current IHME projections have Florida peaking in August, so things may not be quite so bad in October. I am super cautious and am still planning to visit FL to sit on the beach and do only outdoor activities.
sfc
Chicago
Great architecture tours on the river/lake, walking, even on the elevated train.
Very good restaurants.
Fabulous museums. The kids will be back to school so less crowded. October whether is still beautiful here, but you will need coats.
Lots of smaller neighborhoods to walk with character. Like one of my favorite afternoons is to walk in a part of the city that has a large Mexican population and go to the Mexican art museum (usually empty!!) and having a fabulous and inexpensive lunch across the park at Rabanitos (or one of the other small cheap restaurants on the strip).
sfc
Oops … October weather!
Senior Attorney
San Diego is nice and warm in October. Balboa Park has a bunch of fun museums and the scenery at the beach is nice.
NYCer
+1. Southern CA is great weather in October.
But I do agree with an earlier poster that going somewhere like Naples in Florida would be fine too, if you’re staying in a house and just planning on relaxing at the beach.
Anonymous
Honestly, I’ve been to the beach in FL/AL 3 times since Covid started and I think it’s the best vacation you can take right now (we’re planning another in october). We drive in. We stay in our own place with a kitchen and cook our meals. It’s super easy to socially distance on the beach and it’s breezy, so I feel like risk is so low even if you’re walking past people, etc. In the spring, when both my husband and I had been vaccinated, we ate out some at outdoor places, but didn’t do that this time since we had our kids with us.
Anonymous
I don’t know if the COVID situation will be any better than Florida, but Charleston? Also concur that the quieter parts of Florida (like the Gulf side) might be fine by October. It will be hurricane season, so that’s always a risk, but a small one. Otherwise, I second the Santa Fe recommendation.
Anon
I’m going on a solo vacation next week that will involve a lot of time relaxing by a beautiful pool. Other than novels, what should I bring with me to “do” while laying by the pool. I know I’ll get bored if I just nap the whole time. Specific puzzle book recommendations? Books with writing prompts? Easy crafts? Sticker books? Anything?
Anon-an-nah
Your favorite music and podcasts lined up on your device and headphones.
anon
This is so person dependent, but I would ensure I had crosswords and pre-researched podcasts lined up.
London (formerly NY) CPA
I usually have a big stack of magazines I’m intending to get to reading so I bring those and trash them once I’m done so it frees up room in my suitcase on the way home in case I buy a souvenir. Even if you don’t have a ready-to-go stack, just go to a store and pick up any you might be interested in. I like Real Simple, some cooking magazines, and some gossip magazines. You might be more a New Yorker magazine person, Economist, etc.
Cat
Crosswords! Check out the NYTimes “Best of the week” series. Go with Mon or Tues for easier, or Wednesday or Sunday (bigger but similar in difficulty level) for a bit more of a challenge.
Smokey
I enjoy doing Sudoku puzzles, and suggest you look for a puzzle book by Will Shortz.
Anonymous
Sudoko is great to combine with audio books or podcasts. I can get antsy just lying still and listening, but with a sudoku to engage a different part of the brain at the same time, it works out great.
Anonymous
Help, I have to write a Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion statement for a job application. I’ve never had to do this before – what do I write, and how long should it be? It’s an external affairs-type position at a public university. I’ve only worked in government before and have never needed to write one. Google tells me these are usually for faculty jobs, so I’m not sure how to tailor it more to the position I’m applying for.
Anonymous
What is a DEI statement? Is it a statement of why you are going to improve their diversity stats, or some kind of mission statement for the role if you get hired?
Anonymous
I think these are silly, not because DEI is silly, but asking job candidates to write a fluff, BS piece where they’ll say anything to maximize their chances of getting hired is not a good-faith effort to promote DEI. I would far rather have interviewers ask (during the in-person interview stage) about previous history related to DEI initiatives or behavioral questions related to DEI. This happened at my husband’s office (“tell me about a time when you encountered a situation where you were concerned about inclusion” or something) and one candidate ended up revealing what a horrendous person he was. That’s something you can’t proofread, prep, or copy-paste your way out of.
Since you have to do it, though, I’d reiterate your commitment to DEI and find some aspect of it that you can be genuine about. Have you ever volunteered to tutor first-gen college kids? Do you have a passion for women in STEM? Find a way to speak to your strengths.
nuqotw
I wrote one for an (entry level) faculty job a few years ago. I’m sure the wisdom has changed, but I think 300 – 500 words. I (straight, white for all practical purposes) wrote that my main job is to listen to people especially not from my background and to assume I’m going to miss things from those lived experiences that I by definition don’t have. For public affairs I might add something about the importance of the university doing these things too and cultivating a wide variety of faculty/staff so that the university can do these things? I have no public affairs experience so I’m taking a wild stab here. My read was they wanted to know that (1) I was thinking about these things and (2) I was not going to embarrass them.
Anonymous
Do you really want to work somewhere that makes you do this gratuitous exercise?
nuqotw
It is not gratuitous. Not everyone asks for these things and places that ask generally care about them. My guess is a sloppy job on this statement would be a deal breaker.
Anon
And you are exactly the type of person they are trying to screen out by having a DEI statement. It’s a public affairs role for a university, if you can’t handle a DEI statement without going all “this is unnecessary” (aka flexing your privilege) you certainly can’t handle the role.
OP
I do, thanks!
Anon
What do you bring to the job, diversity-wise? How does that relate to the specific position for which you are applying? For example, gender may matter more if an area is more lopsided in its gender balance.
Anon
So my experience with these is for faculty positions, but if they haven’t given you any other guidance, I’d follow the same general guidelines, just aimed at the type of work you’d be doing in this job and including your past experience increasing DEI. Past experience should be the bulk of the statement: what have you actually done, not a bunch of theoretical stuff, though it should also show that you understand how DEI issues are important in the context of your job. For faculty jobs, these are generally 1 page, though 2 would be acceptable. I’d say 1 page unless they give you other guidance, but if you really don’t have much to say, shorter is better than worse.
Anon
Just want to add, if you don’t have a lot of past experience, give concrete examples of things you would plan to do in the new job. The more you can focus on specifics rather than theoretical, the better. If this is for a UC job, they post their review criteria online, so you can google that. Just ignore the parts that only apply to faculty, but I imagine it would be similar.
roxie
If you want to work in external affairs and don’t know where to begin with this it means you are not a fit for this job. Sorry.
Anonymous
Rude
Anon
It sounds more to me like the person understands DEI just not the particular format this writing assignment is requesting.
Anonymous
Yeah, that isn’t fair. DEI statements are very new, it’s obviously something they want done a certain way, and it’s more than fair to not know where to start.
anonshmanon
counterpoint to them wanting it done a certain way – a lot of higher ed institutions start requesting a DEI statement before they are clear about how these will be evaluated or how much weight they will be given in the whole application process. So you could have an institution which is only setting the lowest of bars (be convinced that the potential hire will not expose us to harassment suits and treat colleagues professionally) or they could be looking for actual evidence of how you have advanced DEI in your previous workplace and where you see potential for change in their org. It’s a bit of a shot in the dark.
anonymous
[deleted by mgmt]
Anonymous
I don’t agree that it’s anti-white racism, but unfortunately I do have to agree that there is often a heavy dose of infantilizing tokenism.
Anon
I think the mods missed this one. If you’re looking for the Q-Anon forum you missed your exit.
Anonymous
No
Nesprin
You should be looking on academic style blogs for further details- the professor is in will have a longer post than I can manage. For a non-academic senate position a DE&I statement is a bit weird, but here’s my experience with them.
DE&I statements for faculty are 1 page, and address how you will serve diverse persons, your personal background, how you can contribute to the college’s mission with respect to diversity etc. I.e. I’ve worked at a Hispanic serving institution, so specifying that I have experience teaching and mentoring similar student populations etc.
For an external affairs position- would you be working with minority serving advocacy groups etc? Do you have experience with DE&I efforts in previous work? Can you speak to how the Uni’s mission in X speaks to you because of your experiences in A, B, and C?
Biglaw Honeymoon Question
I recently started at a new firm in biglaw with a short look (2 years) to partner. I also got engaged this summer and we are planning to elope this fall (because wedding planning is excruciatingly awful and we have highly dysfunctional families on both sides). That being said, I would really love to take a honeymoon in summer 2022. A couple questions: 1) how long could I realistically take off, given the short partner look and my seniority, 2) how much should I disclose with respect to timing for honeymoon, or should I just say wedding/honeymoon rather than have people wonder about the gap between eloping and wedding, and 3) if people know that my honeymoon is months after I got married, is it possible that they may not give me as much leeway in terms of unplugging as they would for a more traditional wedding/honeymoon situation?
Anonymous
Can you ask someone what they did? This is a pretty know your office question, some firms (offices, practice areas, partners – whatever is most important to your position) are super cool about anything honeymoon related and some treat it like any other vacation. I would probably plan to take 2 weeks, not tell anyone I got married months earlier, and take my laptop with me just in case.
Anon
This isn’t specific to BigLaw: do not disclose more than necessary, especially when it complicates the situation. You are taking a honeymoon; that’s all they need to know. (If somehow this all gets out, say that you are both more optimistic about Summer 2022 for COVID.) You will likely have to change your withholdings and such, but that shouldn’t cause much of a rumble around the office.
Alanna of Trebond
I do not even understand this question. If you are getting a short look I would NOT screw this up by taking a long vacation. Just take a week and take a long vacation when you make partner.
Anonymous
Re Prom Dresses, has any one seen the ones made out of duck tape (I think that’s a brand)? And has anyone attempted? We were looking for a local service project to assist at a art school of very mixed incomes and thought that this would be fun to do (but I can sew a little and am crafty, but have never tried this: like do you need a substrate and put the tape on that or double it up to it covers the sticky side of itself). We were going to try Halloween costumes as a way to road-test if this would be good to scale up for prom dresses.
Anonymous
What? Like. Make duct tape dresses for actual girls to wear?
Aunt Jamesina
I’m sorry if I’ve misunderstood, but students at low income schools want to wear regular clothing to prom like everyone else, not receive an art project to wear. Duct tape dresses are really only for those who chose and made them themselves.
Anonymous
I think that at an art school, it might be Project Runway enough to be a very cool thing to do.
Anonymous
So, the brand Duck Tape sponsors a contest for people who make their prom dresses out of said duck tape. Not sure of the rules/prizes/etc. I think it would be cool to help someone out who wants to go this route, but I think most people don’t want to wear a dick tape dress (although some of them are very stylish and amazing that people made them. However, for prom where I am (Charlotte) I think wearing duck tape in this humidity would be terrrrrrrrrrible.)
Anonymous
Wouldn’t it be pretty expensive to buy all the duct tape and substrate? If the service project is helping the students make prom dresses, why not help them design and sew them?
Anonymous
Search for duct tape prom dress Ottawa. She made a beautiful dress in connection with a contest.
Cb
Help brainstorm present ideas? I’m leaving my job and have worked with my boss for 10 years (MA, PhD supervisor, followed by postdocs). She’s an amazing colleague and has become a friend (came to my wedding, visited when my son was born etc) so gifting up feels appropriate here. She passed on her reference letter for new job and it made me cry it was so kind. She’s not sentimental at all, but I would like to give her a little something. I’m pretty sure she’d kill a plant, and a bottle of wine seems lazy. Do I go slightly lighthearted here? A nice set of pens since she’s always stealing mine?
Senior Attorney
If she’s always stealing your pens, and you use a particular kind, get her a box of that kind of pens along with a heartfelt note of appreciation.
Ribena
Oh that’s cute! Will steal that idea
CB
That sounds good. I used to leave cheap decoy pens on my desk and the good Japanese ones in a drawer but can get her some of the good ones. She’s just lovely, when we are on calls, her teenagers come to say hello and her daughter is the recipient of my Birchbox extras.
Another anon
I gave my PhD supervisor a pretty piece of glassware (which at the time cost me a lot and she never acknowledged) plus a heartfelt note, and my postdoc advisor just the heartfelt note. Now as a PI myself I would be totally happy with the note. Adding a picture of you together would also be nice. I know some people who have a tradition of expensive alcohol (idea is to open it when the next person moves on, and then that person gives the next bottle).
Ribena
When my manager left we planted a tree (or paid for) in a forest up north for her and ordered a treat box from one of the boujie indie cake shops in town.
ProfP
One of my former students gave me a piece of artwork when she left/finished. It related to the topic of her dissertation and is a really nice reminder of our time working together.
Anon
My boss gossips about me to other coworkers on my team. Is there any way to stop this?
Horse Crazy
Get a new job.
Anon
Thanks. I figured that would be the answer, but just wanted to check. There seems to be a few less jobs thanks to Covid, but I’ll be happier once I have a better work environment.
Cat
If you have a good relationship you could try saying “hey TMI! I don’t want to hear that!” but otherwise would just behave assuming that Boss gossips about you to other coworkers just the same… I don’t think this is “wow you need a different job”-worthy but a “price of admission” type of thing.
No Problem
I think you read this wrong. The boss is indeed gossiping about her to other people.
Anon
Can someone talk to me about MMLafleur sizing? I’m curvy, small on top, big on bottom and buy sizes to fit my bottom. They have some sales right now and I’d like to buy one or two dresses.
If I’m a 14 in Loft, AT, Banana, what do I need to do with MML? Size up? Currently looking at a couple of dresses. I’m also desperately in need of pants. Are they any good for curvy shapes? TIA.
Curious
My size ten Foster pants fit like a 6. Tops and dresses were TTS. This was 2 years ago though!
The Only GenXer in the Office
I’m a 14 in Loft, AT and Banana and a 16 at MMLF (can also wear the +1 or 14W, which has been discontinued but is available in the sale section). MMLF tends to run a little small in my opinion. You might also consider scheduling a virtual consultation (can do this on the website). Their stylists are very good at advising on sizing. I am a VERY frequent shopper and just had one yesterday because I wanted to buy some new pieces I hadn’t tried.
I’m curvier on the bottom and for pants, I have had luck with the Foster pants (I wear a 16) and the Colby joggers (size down, I wear a 14). I also like the Hockley jeans (size 16). The Hockleys have stretch.
For dresses, the ones I like the most are the Etsuko, Emily, Evelyn, Sarah and Annie. If you have specific pieces you are looking at, I can give you sizing and fit advice – I probably have them in my closet, lol.
The Only GenXer in the Office
Longer comment in mod but I wear a 14 in those brands you mentioned and a 16 at MMLF. I own a lot of MMLF so if you have questions on specific pieces, if you post, I can give you specific fit and sizing advice!
Anon
Can anyone recommend where to shop for custom room darkening or blackout roman shades? It seems like there are so many choices but a lot of the options I’ve seen in stores are thick and with plasticy material. My bedroom has weird dormer windows that need inside mount shades and I figure it’s finally time to shell out for something nice.
Anon
I’m curious about this too. I’m also considering cellular blinds; I kind of like that they’re geometric and insulating and have a lighter feel to them. But I know some people just don’t like them.
Go for it
I like them a lot, however, they pick up dust and pet hair like crazy
Sunflower
And if you live in an area (like Houston) with a lot of bugs, the bugs crawl in the cells and die and it’s hard to get them out.
Anon
There was a local paint store that also did custom blinds and curtains. They did a great job. Because they were local, it was easy to have someone come and measure the windows for the order, which is a very risky thing to do on your own. I also got to look at all the sample fabrics in person ahead of ordering them. If you happen to be in the NY area, the place was Kawers Paint and Glass in Tuckahoe, NY.
Anon
I love love love MMLafleur dresses but they’re well outside my price range. Any recommendations for similar brands in the ~$50 price range?
Anonymous
MMLF sells used dresses on their site.
anon
You can buy stuff seconhand here: https://mmlafleur.archiveresale.co/mmlafleur
I’ve had really good luck with it
The Only GenXer in the Office
Have you checked their sale? I’ve gotten a few dresses for $40-60. And a second for the resale site – I’ve had really good luck with it.
AFT
ebay often has NWT or gently used MMLF dresses as well.
anon
Loft and AT have craaaaaazy vanity sizing so a 14 there is more like a 16-18. MMLF is pretty true to size so I’d say buy bigger than you usually do
No Problem
YMMV, but I have never found this to be the case with Loft or AT. I wear the same size in those stores as I do all other retailers.
Anon
I don’t think it is the same across all lines of the brand. Pants are more TTS for me but their dresses are definitely bigger. I wear a 6 and sometimes a 4 in dresses at Loft and AT but I wear a solid 10 in other higher end brands. Other stores, I’m closer to an 8.
Anonymous
Loft and AT run 2 sizes big for me. I am on the smaller side. Some brands don’t run consistently big/small through the whole size range.
Anon
Help me shop! An org where I volunteer surprised me with a $50 a m a z o n gift card! I don’t usually shop there so I’m overwhelmed by all the possibilities. What would you get? I want it to be fun, not household necessities. This is what I’m considering:
A fancy coffee table book
A nice bra
A good large planter for my bigger indoor plant
Other ideas?
anon
My vote is for the fancy coffee table book!
Cat
Kindle!
A-zon also sells Apple accessories so you could put it towards Airpods etc.
MechanicalKeyboard
I’d go with a coffee table book for sure. Quick tip – don’t get skincare products or makeup. That place is ripe with counterfeits.
Anon
Question for those who practice meditation, what time of day do you typically meditate and for how long? I’ve been using the Calm app for almost a year, and really like it, but still kind of figuring it out. My doctor recommended I meditate before sleep, do you like to mediate while trying to fall asleep, or do a session before getting under the covers? Thx!
Cb
I’d look into yoga Nidra, either recordings or a live class online. I do a class on Friday and Sunday night. I shower, do my skincare, get into bed and do my meditation. It involves a body scan and sometimes I’m asleep before we get to to our toes and sometimes I fall asleep afterwards. I recommend the Bluetooth face mask for full immersion.
j
I use the Peloton app and do a sleep meditation every night before bed. I get ready for bed, under covers, etc, and then turn it on when I’m actually ready to go to sleep after reading. 9/10 times I’m asleep before the 10 mins are over. If I’m not asleep yet, I find it easier to sleep after since I’ve so consciously relaxed, stopped scrolling on my phone and disrupted the worry thought spiral. I just put the phone next to my ear on my pillow on a quiet volume and it never bothers my husband, who is always asleep before me. It has made such a huge difference in my ability to fall asleep. Definitely recommend!
Anon
I also use the Calm app and actually learned from their nighttime series that something that can be helpful is to ‘train’ your brain to check in with your body periodically throughout the day so that when you get to bedtime you’re not only *now* integrating, because thats how you wind up with a restless and full mind. So I set alarms on my phone to do a 5-10 min meditation periodically (2-3x) in the day (usually after brushing my teeth in the morning, sometime during the day before/after lunch, sometime early evening. This made a tremendous difference for me, YMMV
amberwitch
I meditate for 10 minutes as the very last thing before sleeping – in bed, under the covers, lights off, meditate, sleep. It makes it so much easier for me to fall asleep. I used to use an app – just music, no voice – but now I do without, just breathing. I’ve been doing it for 8+ years. It really does help both with sleeping, but also with genral equilibrium.
Vicky Austin
I use Calm too!
For sleep stories/meditations designed for sleep, I get comfy under the covers and then turn it on. It almost always puts me to sleep pretty quickly.
For a regular meditation (i.e., not designed for sleep, or an unguided one), I would sit up for that, maybe even in bed.
Davis
I meditate for 10 minutes in the morning after I’ve had my coffee. I sit in my living room. If I’m in bed, I might fall back asleep! There will be other times of day that I might do a quick meditation or put on something akin to a sleep story before bed to get into a rest mode. But for actually learning to meditate, I need focus. I’m about a year into my practice too.
ANon
Is anyone here an administrative law judge at the state/local level and can tell me about their experience? Thinking for applying. The position is municipal in a very large city.
Anon
I used to be one. What specific questions do you have?
OP
What was your day to day like? Did you feel like you had “coworkers”? What kind of supervision did you receive? What about training? Why did you leave? Thank you!
Anon
Reposting – favorite eating/dining spots in Seattle?
Will be there next weekend visiting from Bay Area and staying at The Edgewater – thanks in advance! We love alllll food!
Anon100
Here’s a thread from this June for a few recs: https://corporette.com/sue-texture-cardigan/#comment-4195147
I know Seattle food has come up a lot on this board and always love the recs given here
Lizbet
Le Pichet (https://www.lepichetseattle.com/) is where I’m told all the chefs go. It has wonderful, reasonably priced French food.
Curious
Le Pichet is great!
If you can stand the wait, get Nasi Goreng or a fried chicken dish at Kedai Makan.
We love Toulouse Petite as well.
PNWJ
You can take the water taxi from the Downtown watefront to West Seattle. It drops you at Marination which is a fantastic spot. And also you can then walk the beach.
I would also recommend Sawyer which is a short Uber ride from the Edgewater. I also like the Dough Zone for semi dim sum. Get the pan fried buns. From the Edgewater you could walk up to the Dahlia bakery and get what I think is the best breakfast sandwich in town and all kinds of baked goods. Don’t overlook Pike Place market. There’s a brewery on a semi hidden back deck that has great views.
OP
thank you! yes we were already planning on the water taxi to west seattle and eating at Marination. Thank you for other recs!
Kara
I found out that I’m extremely iron deficient. I’m on the pills and all, but I figure I should improve my diet too.
Just for inspiration, what dishes would you make with these higher-in-iron ingredients (can’t each some other common sources of iron due to other restrictions)
– Peas
– Spinach, kale, any leafy vegetables
– Eggs
– Pumpkin/sesame seeds (may switch out my peanut butter for one of these)
– Cashews, pine nuts
– Tomato paste (but not raw tomato)
– Potatoes
– Mushrooms
– Olives
– Spelt/Oats/Quinoa
These are actually some of my favorite foods, so its strange that I was still so iron deficient! I have been having very heavy periods lately (got another treatment for that)
Shelle
One of my fav dishes is spinach pie. Also spinach in quiches (goes well with mushrooms also on your list) and sauteed spinach (with garlic and salt) as a side to everything.
Anon
My favorite weekend breakfast (but can be a dinner too!) is mushrooms sautéed with onions and spinach, with some fried potatoes and a runny egg or two on top (fried or poached).
Anon
I load this strata up with spinach and even my kids will eat second helpings. I also sprinkle pine nuts on top
https://food52.com/recipes/55148-skillet-strata-with-bacon-cheddar-and-greens
I love this as a side dish to salmon or spaghetti squash (I can’t eat red meat).
https://www.eatingwell.com/recipe/7892008/quinoa-with-peas-lemon/
Minimalist Baker has a ton of great recipes. This one is good, and you could experiment with toppings to add various iron-rich foods – mushrooms, olives, and spinach would be a great pizza. We make it with the tomato sauce, but it says you can sub tomato paste at the bottom.
https://minimalistbaker.com/my-favorite-vegan-pizza/
Anonymous
Mushroom and green leafy risotto, lemon juice added for vitamin C for iron absorption.
Pea and spinach soup, lemon juice added, boiled eggs as garnish.
Green leafy veg and pine nut lasagna, salad with lemon/orange juice and olive oil dressing, olives or seeds on salad.
Spinach and olive omelet, orange juice on the side.
Quinoa salad with boiled quinoa, olives, spinach boiled peas, feta cheese and any other veg you like, lemon dressing (okay, just take the vit C for granted for the rest of the list).
Green leafy and tomato paste potato and aubergine moussaka with olives.
Spinach and pine nut pesto.
Oven baked pumpkin seeds for snacks.
Kale chicken soup with mushrooms and noodles.
Tapas with meatballs with whatever meat, oats and mushrooms in tomato paste sauce, potato wedges, potato frittatta, and olives.
Oat scones with pumpkin seeds.
Seattle Freeze
Note from experience with this as a vegetarian who’s had iron-defiency anemia several times: it can take a long time to build back your iron stores and feel better by eating non-heme iron-rich foods or supplementing. One alternative is an iron infusion, which takes an hour or two and is much more effective and helps much faster.
Curious
And according to my midwives, you are eligible for this if your hematocrit is under 30 and you’ve had an iron panel! Which if you say you’re severely deficient is likely true (or at least the first part is).
Best of luck. Anemia stinks.
Anon
Spinach is not very high in iron. Popeye lied to us all.
It takes an eternity to build back up once it’s already so low, unfortunately. When the supplements eventually get you there, you may have more luck maintaining through diet. Maybe try cast iron cookware? Egg noodles, nut “cheeses” and spreads, snacking on enriched cereals for crunchy cravings can be good substitutions.
I assume from your list that most animal sources are off the table, but if that happens too be a taste preference instead if a health or ethical stance, you can get grass fed beef liver capsules and work in small iron rich additions without going all in. A couple of sardines in pasta sauce or thin layer of pate on a sandwich aren’t very overpowering.