Coffee Break: Orange Marmalade
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I forget where it was that I first heard about this all-natural gel and curl definer from indie brand Ecoslay — but it was several months (or years?) ago, and all of the curly girls in whatever group it was were SWEARING by it. “Orange marmalade!” was the answer to every question about how to get your curls to look great, not crunchy or dull or frizzy.
Well.
At the time, I looked into it and thought, “Ugh, I hate paying shipping,” and tucked it away in my head. Something made me think about it recently and I said, “ok, FINE, I shall go buy it.” And — true to the word on the street — I love it.
Not only does it make my curls look great, it smells amazing, and I like that it's a Black-owned, eco-friendly business.
I got the little travel set for $20 and have only tried the Orange Marmalade and the Moonshine thus far — but both smell amazing and feel nourishing for my hair.
A note on storage — several of the products I got, including Orange Marmalade, note that they should be stored in the refrigerator to preserve the shelf life, which is a bummer. But the website itself notes,
Orange Marmalade is fully-preserved with a 9 month shelf life when stored in a cool, dark, dry location. Because Orange Marmalade is an all-natural product and often cool, dry, dark locations are difficult to come by, it is recommended that Orange Marmalade is refrigerated to preserve its shelf life.
Because I have travel sizes at this point, what I may do is keep the travel sizes in my bathroom, and then when I get larger sizes, store the excess in my fridge. Hmmn.
The gel, made from flaxseed extract, agave nectar extract, pectin, aloe vera juice, marshmallow root extract (and others) is $10–$24 for sizes 4 oz. to 16 oz. You can see a list of retailers here; interesting to note that the Wolf House Shop is one of the retailers and bills itself as “the first beauty retailer with a curated selection of clean beauty products sourced exclusively from Black-owned businesses.” Nice.
Sales of note for 2/14/25 (Happy Valentine's Day!):
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- M.M.LaFleur – Save up to 25% on select suiting, this weekend only
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase — and extra 60% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + 15% off (readers love their suiting as well as their silky shirts like this one)
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 300+ styles $25 and up
- J.Crew – 40% of your purchase – prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site and storewide + extra 50% off clearance
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Flash sale ending soon – markdowns starting from $15, extra 70% off all other markdowns (final sale)
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- My workload is vastly exceeding my capability — what should I do?
- Why is there generational resentment regarding housing? (See also)
- What colors should I wear with a deep green sweater dress?
- How do you celebrate milestone birthdays?
- How do you account for one-time expenses in your monthly budget?
- If I'm just starting to feel sick from the flu, do I want Tamilfu?
- when to toss old clothes of a different size
- a list of political actions to take right now
- ways to increase your intelligence
- what to wear when getting sworn in as a judge (congrats, reader!)
- how to break into teaching as a second career
A question on ethics. My favourite local small business is owned by someone whose political views are entirely unhinged. However it’s basically the only source in my city for a lot of specialty products. I’m really conflicted about what to do as I spend a substantial amount of money there in any given year. I really don’t want this person having my money, but I’m also not sold on the environmental costs of having to ship products to my home from elsewhere in the country. Any thoughts?
It depends on what the views are. Examples? There’s a big difference in my mind between a Proud Boy gun-nut conspiracy theorist and someone who considers themselves conservative.
OP said unhinged so I’m going to go with Proud Boy gun nut. OP, can you order bulk at one time if the products have a long shelf life? Or find online sources that sell many of these products so you’re only making a couple of orders instead of ordering from 5 places? Even if your online shipment is missing one product, you can feel better about paying local store for one thing instead of 10. And can you do without some of these products altogether?
Antivaxxers? That is a health concern and maybe I wouldn’t buy food if it implicated public health.
But very different politically? I go to a baked goods place that I love where the family is very religiously conservative (but not prostletizing at all) and the very large family might be a tip off to others who didn’t know that (it’s not hidden, but also wouldn’t hit someone over the head if they had no idea and walked in off the street). But I have a feeling that people judge that differently if it is a Muslim – Mormon – Catholic large family, depending on how different that is from what is otherwise in the community.
As far as I’m aware the owner is neither liberal nor conservative, but more so science is evil, big pharma is trying to kill people, essential oils cure cancer etc. It’s pretty harmful stuff and preys upon the vulnerable
What do they sell? Do you trust their production and quality standards?
The people in my life who share this outlook also have a long history of poor access to healthcare. So while I disagree very strongly with them, I also feel like my outlook is shaped by my relative privilege? I’m not sure I’d exactly call it sour grapes, but they’ve looked elsewhere after negative and costly experiences with medicine.
I live somewhere with universal health care so the business owner is discouraging people from seeking free chemo basically (among other things). So it’s certainly not about money.
That’s discouraging!
What does he sell?
If he’s selling essential oils to vulnerable people and telling them not to go to an MD for a possibly cancerous lump or vaccinate, then I think it might be necessary to stop patronizing him as he is is directly causing harm to the community.
If he sells high end suits to litigators and i-bankers, then I’d be less worried about that supporting his business is giving a platform to harm others. However, I’d probably want to find another supplier because he sounds like someone who would recklessly spread Covid or otherwise cause harm.
Isn’t this how Goop works? This sounds like half of the businesses in Asheville — healing crystals, drugs are poison, here — use this essential oil during the right moon phase.
Is there a source in a nearby city/town? I would look for a compromise option, and if impossible would then order online. I rarely order things online but do so in similar situations.
I would order outside products. People with questionable judgement have questionable judgement and that probably applies to their business practices too.
Only you can decide this
+1
I’d look for another nearby localish option. Many smaller businesses are now offering shipping options.
And my sympathies. Our local vegan bakery owner was recently discovered to be super anti-BLM and very racist (like Black people are mostly criminals who deserve mass incarceration screed on his business page bad, not just like doesn’t support acab privately). It’s been tough to find replacements for the custom products I ordered from him but I just can’t support his business knowing he has those views.
I don’t give my money to businesses whose politics I find dangerous, which sounds like the case in your situation. I’d buy it elsewhere and have it shipped.
I have kindly asked the local online supermarket to add a few items they did not carry before (I try to simplify my shopping and was tired of ordering the specialty items from a different store) and they added most of them. Same experience with my local tiny grocery store to keep fresh cilantro. Can you ask the stores where you buy majority of your shopping to add those items?
A lot of movie theatres are letting you schedule a theater for a 20-person screening of a limited list of movies for $99.
Real masks (vs buffs or bandanas) are mandatory.
I wouldn’t eat at this — I feel like I’m not ready to be unmasked inside yet.
I feel like this should be OK. Have any of you done this?
I wouldn’t do this, but I guess it depends on the case load in your city.
The risk of transmission indoors is just too high for my comfort.
No and I don’t think that sounds that safe if you’re mixing households to get to the 20-person number. However, I was over movie theaters before the pandemic began because I realize I get much more enjoyment out of watching at home while wearing pajamas and eating good food and not getting irritated by people using their smartphones. If movie theaters are very important to you, I’d wait until they start offering a better deal for groups of 10 or less.
I think you reserve the theater and you can have 20 people in it with you (not you and a bunch of people you don’t know / didn’t invite).
I think that this has to be OK — churches and schools in my state have had 20 people indoor limits since reopening in August. School is that for several hours every day (not just the length of a movie). Our city’s spread seems to be inside at unmasked things — bars, restaurants, etc. If a big space and masked, it should be OK. At work, we have inside masked meetings in our largest conference space and it has been OK; I often have small masked meetings in a large space (so like 5 people in a space to hold 30+; speaking a bit louder).
You have to factor in that school is necessary for child health and development, though. A movie theater outing is adding “indoor risk” while being entirely unnecessary. For me, it’s much easier not to engage in the decision fatigue of “well what if we sit 10 feet apart and the space can hold 20 and they turn the air purifier on on Saturdays but not Tuesdays and people wear masks and only some wear it on their chins…” and just stay home from any indoor social engagement.
Actually, with the weather turning, I would rather my kid see friends this way (few kids, large space) as it is larger than our living room. The bodies per space seems much better, especially if masked (and businesses are very serious about policing masks in our city vs what people seem to be comfortable with enforcing with their guests)).
I guess I see the continuum — we are doing things in ways that try to reduce risk, but doing things that are not strictly mandatory. We go to the grocery store, masked; we go get takeout, masked; we go to work, masked; we go camping, unmasked; we play tennis, unmasked; we go on walks, unmasked; kids play with friends, outside and unmasked. We could do nothing at all and get groceries delivered (theoretically; service is booked out weeks in advance and we decided early on not to use unless we fell ill) but doing things either “inside + masked” or “outside + spread out” is something we’ve gotten comfortable with.
+1. I guess if the question is whether this is permitted, then the answer is yes. But is it advisable? Is the risk worth the reward?
Then the uncertainties, will people be masked & is anyone going to be holding them to that? Obviously they want to sell you popcorn, so probably low mask compliance …
Is it even fun? Like, why risk this when you can watch a movie with the people in your pod at home … or with the people outside your pod virtually? What are you really gaining at the theater that’s going to outweigh risk?
I would want to know a lot more than I currently do about the HVAC systems in movie theaters. Limited capacity + masks is great and all, but what gives me pause is whether you’re essentially sharing the same air for 2-3 hours. Especially if other patrons don’t share your reluctance to eating indoors.
(I say this as someone who has flown twice – reassured by compliant fellow passengers and information on plane filtration systems and exchanging with outside air.)
Dad says this is not something the HIVE can vote on. If everyone said yes, and you did it and you got sick, you would blame the hive. You must take responsibility and make your OWN decision. Personally, I would make sure I had 20 people I trusted before I figured out there were schlubs there I did not know before I took off my mask. Otherwise I’d leave it on the whole time and stay in the corner. It also depends on the Heating and Air Condition system. BTW, what does the V stand for in HVAC?
No. You’re not comfortable being unmasked in this environment — are you comfortable being around others who are unmasked?
Also, what is really missing during the pandemic are opportunities to socialize. This is not one of them! Going to sit indoors as a group … to watch a movie … why? You can do that by yourself. You might as well all watch the same movie at home and then meet up to talk about it — at least the meetup time would be socializing/group time. People do need human interaction, but they don’t need to sit in a group to watch a screen. There’s no real benefit to taking that risk.
+1. It’s all cost, little benefit.
Who is unmasked?
The popcorn eaters and soda drinkers are unmasked, as well as anyone who just doesn’t feel like wearing a mask or prefers to wear it on their chin.
Anyone eating or drinking.
And potentially anyone who happens to believe masks aren’t that important and moves it down or off once the lights go out. AKA the same jerks who walk around my grocery store the masks down around chin or neck.
Have you seen anyone (besides staff) wearing a mask in indoor restaurants in your area? It certainly isn’t happening here. And moviegoers generally eat snacks or drink something.
Not to mention, people have literally been murdered for trying to enforce mask use as part of their customer service/security jobs … so no one is doing that anymore. Can you blame them? Like for 10 bucks an hour you’re going to expect a young person to patrol the movie theater and demand mask compliance? Wow. The rules are in place but they’re not enforceable in Trump’s America, unfortunately.
No chance. Just because you won’t eat doesn’t guarantee the other 19 won’t eat. And the type of person who is going to this is likely not the nervous type who’ll gobble their food quick so they can re mask in 3 min — they’ll sit there eating popcorn for the entire 2 hours. I don’t think sharing indoor air with unmasked people (or frankly even masked people) from a number of households for 2+ hours is really a necessary idea right now esp since we’re talking a movie not — I’ll lose my job if I don’t go sit in this conference room.
+1. People shouldn’t be holding meetings in conference rooms either but at least it’s related to work, sometimes essential work.
I would do it. The ceilings are high and ventilation probably good.
I think the people on this board skew anxious.
So tired of that refrain. If more people were “anxious” and skipped things like movie outings, we wouldn’t be staring down the barrel of the second wave right now. 220K people are dead in the U.S. and counting. If taking the MOST BASIC precautions is anxious, then sure, proud to be anxious.
Limiting capacity of a theater where everyone is someone you invited/know (20 people could literally be 2 families and there’s no requirement that you fill all 20 seats) and requiring everyone to wear a mask seems like it hits satisfies the BASIC precaution box but ok…
Being safe about a global pandemic is not being anxious.
I’ve heard people say that handwashing is anxious, wearing a mask in public is anxious, turning down an invite to a big party in a hotspot zone is anxious, etc. It explains a lot about where we are today, that’s for sure. We certainly can’t have nice things.
Caution is an asset during a pandemic. Some people on this board also skew lax and freak out about others being “paranoid” and “anxious“ because caution challenges their denial and justification of selfish behaviors.
I also question your logic. Are authorities saying, “well, if it’s a big room …” I used to work in a movie theater and I don’t know the details about the air circulation, but I’m sure it’s not filtered to hospital standards. They also sort of seal you in so that if there’s a fire it won’t spread between showrooms, which traps and recirculates the air.
The seats are never cleaned. Literally never. Actually, I saw it done once in 10 years because there was literally a flea infestation. Poop on the seat? Cover it with a garbage bag indefinitely … no cleaning pending.
My boss recently did this. He and his immediately family, meaning his wife and his children, rented the entire theater. No food. Only the 5 of them. It was $250. I’d do it under those conditions (and had money to burn).
Huh. That’s puzzling to me when you can watch countless movies on Netflix at home with your immediate family AND eat food, but I guess if you truly love being in the movie theater and have tons of cash, why not.
Wow. Donate the money to a food bank & enjoy a movie just as much at home.
I mean yeah, that’s 100% what I do, but others may freaking love the movie theater? I can’t see any other reason why that would be a worth-it outing.
You could say that about anyone who goes to the movies during normal times, too. People are allowed to spend money on entertainment!
Paying $41 a head to go to the movies is ridiculous.
I mean, no one is bailing out these businesses that can’t be open. If we are talking local theaters, that $250 helps them, and if he is willing to overpay to support a struggling business, I don’t think we should say he’s ridiculous at this point.
Hi Anonymous – can you post your budget? I’m sure there are things I could find in yours that I’d consider frivolous and that you should reallocate to a food bank.
I would totally do this. Getting to watch a movie in a theater by ourselves after a total of ZERO date nights with my husband for the last seven months? I’m not rolling in riches, but even I can justify leaving the toddler at home for this unique experience. I’m in.
Eh, obviously they can afford to have a good viewing experience at home, so what’s the point?
I am strongly considering this as a Christmas-gift-from-afar for my 19 siblings and niblings, since it seems like a fun and memorable experience. That said, they only represent 3 households and are already in a bubble together. I definitely wouldn’t do it to combine more households or households that aren’t bubbling together.
yeah, if I had a family, and maybe were in a bubble with one other family, then I’d consider doing this together. So that would be only 7-10 people depending on the number of kids, but 7 movie tickets for $99 is not so different from the normal price.
A friend group of mine in Boston is doing this with families/friends who are already seeing each other. I would 100% do it in that scenario.
It used to cost thousands of dollars to rent out a theater. Seriously ask yourselves why it’s so cheap. I can’t imagine that’s paying their electric bill and minimal staffing.
I haven’t done this, but I wouldn’t have a problem with it. I’m keeping it in mind for my son’s upcoming winter birthday.
I would be interested if we can control the volume. It’s so loud nowadays
My kids are going to go back to school in a couple of weeks. This has been promised before but this time it may stick. Half of the school attends on any given day. They will have to take a bus, 1 kid to a seat, masked unless they are at outdoor recess or eating. Private schools in my city have been doing this for a while with only some cases (and it seems, just cases; not school-based spread). + rate in my city is just over 5% (and heading up, but not violently erupting).
I guess we just send out kids in masks and watch them and urge them to wash hands when available (and sanitize before / after lunch if they can’t wash hands). Other than that, we have a large supply of spare masks (after initially going all in on buffs, back before they were seen as not great — they may have residual value to help hold up masks now that some elastics have gotten old and tired). Not sure we can do much else.
Are you asking for tips, or expressing your resignation, or something else? I hope all goes well.
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/10/19/nyregion/schools-coronavirus.html
This is fantastic — I was hoping for this. Our kids went to outdoor camps this summer as practice for school reopening (and then our schools failed to open). Our city’s summer camp experience was no camp-based outbreaks (I know there were some in the US, but elsewhere), which I had hoped would show that when people take precautions and have good systems / awareness, you can protect against it.
As an NYC parent, I would caution this may be very different than what OP is describing. NYC schools will shut if the positivity rate citywide goes above 3%, and in fact my son’s school is currently closed because the rate is about 6% in this immediate neighborhood (even though there have been no cases at his school). They are taking physical distancing and masking very, very seriously. His in-person cohort class has only 5 kids. The other 2 cohorts in his class have 10 or less. There is no recess or moving between classrooms. Kids eat lunch at their physically distant desks, and that is the only time they take masks off. My husband is a high school teacher, and his principal tried to decree that kids couldn’t even remove masks to drink water all day. They don’t have lunch periods at all I don’t think. Older buildings have windows open all day and theoretically will all winter; newer schools with actual HVAC have Merv filters. And over 50% of students citywide are fully remote. All this to say, NYC public schools are taking a very very conservative approach compared to many areas.
My 5 year old has been attending (private) since early September and is now an expert at mask-wearing and hand washing and sanitizing. She reminds me if I forget! As long as the school and teachers are on board in enforcing the rules, the kids will follow.
I would ask a lot of questions about ventilation and HVAC, air purefiers, etc.
My kids have been back since early September without issue. Kids are more adaptable to masks than grown ups. Like helmets and kneepads or toques and mittens, they accept it’s just another thing that grown ups make them wear. Biggest issue has been keeping up with the requests for ‘cool’ masks’.
i live in Houston. The public schools just reopened in-person yesterday. Three are now shut down for the week. but not bc of spread within the school. Apparently they are shutting down schools if there is 1 case!
UGH YES. They are keeping all of the classrooms separate very rigidly at all times yet shut down the whole school with one presumed case.
I don’t know why this is controversial. This was the bargain in reopening schools.
Not where I live. Our school district is only notifying and quarantining the kids who sat next to an infected kid, not even the whole class or the whole bus.
I wanted to love Orange Marmalade, but it just doesn’t work for my hair! I read on some curly IG that OM has protein in it, which I guess is the problem for me. It weighs my hair down and the curls don’t clump very well. I ordered a bunch of products all at once, and some of the others work for me. I use the Moonshine oil almost daily (just a tiiiiiiiny amount) to tame frizz and when I’m scrunching the cast out on wash day. I also love the banana deep conditioner and the matcha protein treatment.
Does anyone know if there’s a need for lawyers like me to volunteer to staff hotlines addressing voter suppression? I assume not, since I’m not licensed in any of the jurisdictions that are trying suppress votes and I don’t have much knowledge of the kinds of issues that are likely to arise on Election Day. However, if there was a need, I’d want to explore helping.
Yes – lots of need. Tons of remote opportunities for lawyers and also non-lawyers to staff Voter Protection hotlines, plus handling issues that don’t require you to be licensed in the state (e.g., curing ballots that are deficient). Look here for lawyer-specific opportunities. https://lawyerscommittee.org/project/election-protection/
I think you have to create a login to get into this, but it has the most comprehensive list of lawyer election protection opportunities (remote and in person) that I’ve seen. https://electionprotection.wetheaction.org/
I am also volunteering through We the Action doing ballot curing for voters whose ballots were rejected (like for a non-matching signature). There are multiple states you can sign up for; it’s all remote. There are shifts every day through Election Day. Please jump in if you can!
A great way to help is via the Lawyer’s Committee on Civil Rights Under Law — they run the national Election Protection hotline.
Wait — states / cities / counties are trying to suppress votes? What on earth?! That sounds crazy.
? American voter suppression is being covered in every western democracy. The photos of the hours long waits are everywhere. It’s quite shocking.
These days, people take “voter suppression” to mean things like “must have the ballot postmarked by Election Day.”
I have never seen that complaint. Link? The suppression issue that has been raised is requiring ballots to be *received* by 11-3, particularly with mail delays of late and the backstory on the USPS situation.
Wow, that is SO not true, Anon at 3:08 P.M.
I hope you’re being sarcastic. I live in Texas where traditional polling locations have been closed down, primarily in Democratic and minority neighborhoods, drop off boxes by order of the Governor with no reasonable need ordered 1 per county – mind that is for a county with 1000 people and one with 5M, the state sued to keep ballots from being automatically sent to those over 55 and sued to not have early voting extended. People are waiting for hours to vote. That ma’am is by definition voter suppression. Voting should not be made hard to do or inconvenient, it should be the easiest thing to do in a democratic society (which the U.S. wants to be in theory but is trying very hard not to be in practice). In Georgia people waited in line for ELEVEN HOURS, and there is video of polling places being closed at the designated hour with people still in line DESPITE STATE LAW THAT IF YOU’RE IN LINE BY THE CLOSING TIME YOU CAN VOTE.
Miss me with trivializing voter suppression, you live under a rock.
Oh, you sound like the type to deny voter suppression then try to follow Trump’s advice to vote more than once. Is there a Confederate flag involved?
I mean…yes. For as long as black people have been able to vote. Does this really come as a surprise?
You must not be in the US? Yes, this is happening, all over the place. Look at Georgia and Florida as examples.
Republicans fare better when fewer people vote. Particularly if they can suppress poor people or people of color and so on. Did you see the headlines about the fake ballot collection box in California or the time restrictions they tried to impose on counting mail-in votes for Pennsylvania?
Pennsylvania law imposed those restrictions, not Republicans.
Yes, as we all know, laws are exclusively written, passed, and enforced by non-Republicans.
I can’t believe the Republicans are more embarrassed about their voter suppression attempts. Like even the borderline neo-nazi parties on the far right in Europe don’t try to pull this voter suppression garbage.
Are you new here, Anonymous?
Seconding Election Protection through We the Action. I’ve been volunteering with them for the last couple of months (lawyer not licensed in any relevant jurisdictions either) and have had a great experience. They provide resources for the hotline staffers to help callers with a variety of voting-related concerns, and have live staff/captains on hand to help with more difficult issues. There are still many shifts available between now and Election Day.
My state Democratic party has a voter assistance hotline and in-person observing at polling sites (both before election day and during). I’m not a lawyer, but am doing both, and there’s plenty of need. This is not a state known for voter suppression in particular, so I think this service is offered in a lot of areas regardless. Try looking up your state + voter protection–I think that’s how I first signed up.
Bear in mind that support is needed even where active voter suppression isn’t an issue. Poll workers aren’t professionals and are not always up on all aspects of election law – disenfranchisement can occur through ignorance rather than through intent, and every vote matters. I was a poll monitor for Election Protection in Washington when there was still in-person voting, and had to intercede on behalf of an illiterate voter who was being told he couldn’t have someone in the voting booth to read his ballot to him (for example). The poll workers just didn’t know the law.
We were provided with a handbook of election law FAQs in that case; I think there’s online training being offered now.
Has anyone re-bought a home they previously owned?
My ex and I bought a home together when we first married. I loved it, he didn’t, and we eventually sold it and moved to another home on the same block that is a lot bigger and has some features he really wanted. Then we divorced, he kept that home, and I now live a few streets away. We share custody of our child, and are on good terms but not friends.
I rent and have been looking to buy, though I am happy with my rental and am in no rush. I just saw that my first home was listed, and other than paint and uglier furniture, it’s essentially in the same condition as when I sold it, except more expensive. I can afford it at the new price, and can afford some improvements I had wanted to make the first time. It is hard to wrap my mind around paying SO MUCH MORE than what I paid for it the first time. But I *loved* that house and it has some unique features that I cannot get in any other home that I’ve seen on the market in the last year, and the price is appropriate in the current market. I know the pros and cons of the house.
For me, there’s some positive sentimental value because that’s the first home that I brought my child home to, and where I spent my (long) maternity leave bonding with my (first and only) baby. My ex’s involvement in the home seems like a long forgotten bad dream, and his proximity is actually a pro as our child could go between our homes independently (no streets to cross). A huge part of me really wants this house — this is the house that I measure all others against and they others come up short.
On the other hand, I’ve recently gotten serious with a man who has met my child (and my ex, prior to meeting my child), and he said he would be somewhat uncomfortable in a home that I used to own with my ex, but if I absolutely had to have it, he would not stand in my way. I would be buying it on my own but we hope to move in together in a year or two, in whatever home I would be living in at the time (it’s plenty big).
What would you do?
Buy the house and if things work out with the new guy, set up the master bedroom differently than it had been. Buy a very different bed and put it in a different spot. Change up the paint throughout the house. Make it not “like it was with your ex,” but “like you always wanted it to be.”
If you’re going to do it, how about using a different bedroom entirely? Some houses don’t have an obvious master BR.
Maybe you and kiddo could also have fun choosing paint colors, including for the exterior!
I would do the following:
1 – make it very, very clear to your current SO that it is 100% about the house.
2 – give him ample chance to air his doubts in case they are bigger than he is letting on (or than he himself realizes).
3 – buy the heck out of that house.
I think a lot of this would depend on how close it is. Like if you’re out for a walk in the evening, do you really want to walk by your ex’s house. What if you are having an argument with kid or new guy on your front yard and your ex happens to walk by – there just seems to be so much potential for awkwardness.
To get new guy onside I would emphasize that it’s about positive memories of your child and offer for him to have input on redecorating/new furniture etc when he moves in.
Do people really have arguments in their front yards? I thought that was just a thing in movies and TV.
I agree that proximity could be an issue, but it sounds like OP has chosen that proximity regardless, so I say go for it!
Front yard arguments are not at all uncommon in neighborhoods where I’ve lived.
I had the same exact reaction reading this. Who fights in their front yard?
Yes, at my current place I already go past my ex’s house almost every day (it’s on a nearby corner) and it’s not an issue. We actually run into each surprisingly infrequently, and usually in another part of the neighborhood — we use the same supermarket and drugstore. I don’t know how my ex feels about it, but for me it’s like running into any slightly awkward acquaintance. We greet each other and keep going. And I’ve never argued with anyone on my front lawn!
I would buy this house. The price difference shouldn’t matter unless it is out of line with the market, because anywhere you buy will be at a higher cost now. It sounds like the BF could (and should) get over it, someone else has owned it since you and the ex did, and you can make changes that make it a fresh start. Plus, this is a now decision and the moving in together is a someday decision.
I would get the house! I think I can understand your boyfriend’s hesitation since this was your house with your ex. But explain to him what you have said here and maybe get him involved to make it your own. You can do it – good luck!
Do you want to live that close to your ex? I had to get on an airplane to see my noncustodial parent as a kid and it would have been amazing to walk a few houses down instead. However, it seems like it’d be a bit much if you can see each other’s comings and goings unless you’re confident that you both can handle that.
I posted this above too but — Yes, at my current place I already go past my ex’s house almost every day (it’s on a nearby corner) and it’s not an issue. We actually run into each surprisingly infrequently, and usually in another part of the neighborhood — we use the same supermarket and drugstore. I don’t know how my ex feels about it, but for me it’s like running into any slightly awkward acquaintance.
The proximity is really great for our kid. In case it matters, the houses are situated such that you can’t directly look into one property from the other, so it’s not much different than we are now.
My parents divorced when I was in elementary school and one parent purchased a house a few blocks away from the parent who stayed in the original house. To me, it was just totally normal (I didn’t know many other kids whose parents divorced) – and now as an adult, I realize what a sacrifice of privacy that was for both of my parents. But it made my childhood much easier in many ways (same bus to school, could run over to get homework I forgot in the morning, etc) and in that sense probably made my parents’ lives easier, too.
Can’t speak to the actual, specific-previous-house issue.
Don’t consider the opinion of a *maybe* long term S.O. in your long term home choices. He gets a say when you’re married/permanently partnered and living together. If he has an issue if he moves in, renovate the heck out of it. It’s a house not a ghost of marriage’s past haunting you, he needs to get over himself. Not trying to be harsh but consider this: if you pass on a home you love for a man and break up in three months, won’t you be pissed?
I would not buy a house I used to live in with my ex on the same street he lives on now.
Is it possible you’re romanticizing your time there? It’s a psychological fact that we tend to focus on they good and forget the bad when reminiscing. Maybe go look at the house in person & ask yourself if it fits your life now & the future you want to build … & look at other houses too that maybe already have the desired updates or are in a more desirable location. Walk through it alone first and perhaps then also with your current partner.
I loved my relative’s house as a girl and have fantasized about buying it someday (and adding a bath) but I think it would be too haunted to actually live there in real life & feel like it’s mine and anything’s possible. (It’s no longer in the family.)
Get off the internet and make an offer! :-)
I’d buy the house – unless you think being within essentially eyesight of your ex’s house means that, while good in that the kid has an easier time, could be bad if you just don’t want to think about him.
I wouldn’t. There are other houses. Start fresh.
+1. I understand the pull of the house, but going backwards doesn’t usually result in the feelings one expects. Even if the new guy doesn’t work out, you can make some new memories with your child in a new house.
Agreed. I would not want to see Alan or his new SO coming and going, and to know what he was doing and assuming at night he was having s-x with her. I know I shouldn’t care, but why be reminded of my ex, or any other schlub each time I saw him or his SO?
+1 Start fresh. Why potentially make it weird for whoever you end up with? It’s hard enough being a stepparent without all of that. So Why potentially make it weird for ex and his circle? Why potentially make it weird for you every time you run to the grocery? Move on.
If you loved it then and you loved it now, then definitely snap it up! I lost my house in my first divorce and if I could have gotten it back I’d have done it in a heartbeat!
I would buy the house. If you move forward in this relationship you can start doing things to make it yours as a new couple, like redoing the backyard with him in mind.
I’d get it and renovate so that it feels different if/when he moves in. You love it, it’s convenient and you can ignore the ex.
Team buy the house – in addition to knowing you like it, you also knows the problems with it and that’s better than any disclosure packet
Do stretchy jeans eventually lose their elasticity and get baggy? I am late to the stretchy jean trend and bought a few pairs at the beginning of the year. I’d like some new jeans of the same brand in a different leg style, but I am not sure if I should buy the same size or a size down. They fit well when I got them. Now they seem a little baggy in spots (fresh from the wash, not after wearing them all day). Is this something that everyone knows happens or do I need to size down? It won’t be terrible if I make a mistake, but I’d rather get this right given the hassles of returns and not wanting any unnecessary trips right now.
I think this is really brand dependent. The higher quality, the less likely the stretch. For the best low cost/high quality ratio I’ve worn Uniqlo Jeans Leggings and Riders by Lee Indigo jeans (affordable on Amazon). I’m sure there are higher end brands that I’m not familiar with as well.
They stretch out on me and slide down. The only ones I’ve found that don’t do this, on me, are the relatively inexpensive Levi pull on jeans that I bought when they were featured here. I will follow up with a link.
Signature by Levi Strauss & Co. Gold Label Women’s Totally Shap… https://www.amazon.com/dp/B077R7QT79/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_api_i_Q10JFb4KMSE1C?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
I have them in dark wash and black.
These are the ones I have, actually! Also based on the feature here.
These jeans are fabulous.
Seriously, I just put all my NYDJ and Wit and Wisdom in the donation box.
I only buy jeans that are 95% or more cotton because of this exact reason. Too many days with diaper butt, no matter how expensive the jeans.
Yeah, the elastane that makes them stretchy wears out. I baby my stretchy jeans, washing them like delicates and hanging them to dry.
+1 I line dry mine.
Advice on applying for a job you are interested in but where you do not tick all the boxes. Usually the advice is to apply anyway but for this I fear that I will just be screened out since the application form requires you to include work samples e.g. software models you have built. I would be a newbie so I dont have samples to provide. The job is in an area I am looking to move into, when I initially saw the position my first thought was to email the project lead and ask if they ever have positions for people who are interested in the field and are willing to learn. The current role advertised is labelled ‘Experienced’.I know this might be weird in the corporate world but this position is in an institute that works at the interface of academia and the non-profit world (I have emailed people in academia regarding potential positions so I think the person may not be that surprised).
Have the confidence of a mediocre white man and just go for it.
Don’t mention any shortcomings, now or ever!
I think you have to assess this realistically, if it’san experienced position and you have none, then I wouldn’t apply. If it’s a job where you have 50% of what they’re looking for, apply. The latter is what people are talking about when they say “have the confidence of a mediocre man” – they mean confidence not delusion.