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Wednesday’s TPS Report: Ballet Neck Jersey Top

Eileen Fisher Ballet Neck Jersey Top | CorporetteOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This week’s TPS reports come to you from guest poster Staci Zaretsky, who blogs with our friends over at Above the Law.

This is a great top for a more casual day at the office, but it's still stylish enough to work well with a suit. If you're looking to add a pop of color to your wardrobe, this ballet-neck beauty comes in seven colors (absinthe, ash, azure, bluebell, orange blossom, teal, and turmeric). I love blues, so I'd pick bluebell. If I were to buy this, I'd try to pair it with some sort of small belt to accent my waist. It ranges in size from XS to XL and costs $118. Eileen Fisher Ballet Neck Jersey Top

Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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162 Comments

  1. I love the color, but I don’t think the dolman sleeves would fit under almost any tailored suit. Way too casual for anything but the most casual days.

    1. Agree – definitely not for a regular business day in Biglaw (even if it’s a “mostly in my own office drafting” kind of day). This looks like a good Saturday-in-the-office pick though. I’d pair with ankle-length comfy pants and flats, but skip the belt, for that scenario.

    2. It would be a nice casual shirt, especially sized down, but I can’t imagine wearing this with a suit.

      1. +1 I can’t see how it’ll work with a suit, but I’m a somewhat conservative (read boring) dresser.

  2. I like flowy shirts, but they always look terrible on me. I’m pear shaped, so if I don’t wear a fitted shirt, I just look big all over, with no shape at all. I do like this shirt, though, so I will just live vicariously through Corporette.

      1. Even a belt would result in a lot of gathering that would be unflattering on a lot of people. It’s a great casual top loose with leggings or shorts, maybe. Not with businesswear.

        2. +1 this. Tops this flowy rarely look better with a belt, especially on someone IT shaped like me – makes the part above the belt look shapeless and lumpy. Normally I’d pop a fitted blazer over for structure, but then you have dolman sleeves… I say, it might work on some body types like a ruler type, but otherwise, for many of us, not flattering. I love the color, though.

          2. I think it depends on the belt. Skinny belts would get overwhelmed by this much fabric, but a thicker belt could work well. It actually makes your waist look smaller because you have volume all around it.

  3. I agree with tesyaa. I don’t wear suits, but I don’t think the long asymmetrical hemline would work well with a suit.

    This morning on the T I saw a woman wearing a shirt that I want so badly. I wanted to ask her wear she got it, but she had headphones on and she got off the T when I wasn’t looking. It was a dark red (crimson?) tissue long sleeve tissue tee with micro peach-colored polka dots. Has anyone seen something like that?

    I tried googling for it, but came up with nothing.

    1. Try Shopstyle. Their search function is pretty good and comprehensive.

  4. Nice for casual wear outside of work but to work? No. And “heck no” to wearing with a suit. Love the color, though.

    1. There was a discussion about snark a couple of weeks ago, and I was singled out as being especially rude (I did apologize to one person who was particularly offended). But as of this moment, I don’t see any snarky comments. If I have made any snarky comments on this thread, please point them out. I may be missing something (really).

      1. Yay! We might be getting a new place to move that has air condition and private toilet’s that work! As for this top, I would like to wear it, b/c everyone would think I am pregnant–which is what I need to be, and QUICKLEY! But first, need a boyfreind and have him marry me. YAY!!!!

        Teseyaa, personaly, I think you are fine and not snearkey. It is OK to have an opinion even if other’s do NOT share it. God knows I am not the most malleable dad says, and that is why I am not MARRIED yet. He said that if I just did NOT have my own opinion’s that he would be a grandfather by now. FOOEY b/c I did NOT go to law school NOT to have opinion’s. In fact that is all judge’s do, and that is what I want to do–be a judge and write opinion’s –or at least have a cleark to write them for me. YAY!!! So Teseyaa, you go and keep haveing your own opinion’s. You are NOT snearkey! FOOEY on men that think we are snearkey! FOOEY!

      2. I remember that conversation when people felt you were being snarky..it was wearing spanx when pregnant? I felt your answer was appropriate as I would not trust any suggestions except my doctors’ when I am concerned about my child’s development. I did wonder the other day why people got so offended…

    2. Yes, definitely. I asked a question and got snarked for not being clear enough. I mentioned that I’d seen something that someone was looking for, and that it was last season in Nordstrom’s, and I got snarked for not actually being helpful. And like, I get it, r e t t e s are snarky. But it’s making me not want to read the site. After the second snarking incident, I removed thissite as a bookmark and now only check when I remember to. I definitely read less because of it.

      1. I remember that. It was about a purple cardigan. And I do think that the responses you received were snarky! But I don’t think they were meant to be offensive, just witty (even if off the mark). Let’s face it, a lot of tone and attitude gets lost when reading typed words on a screen.

      2. I remember your response as well and actually agreed that it was completely unhelpful. I’m not a big fan of snark, but think your answer kind of deserved a snarky or witty response.

        1. If I were hanging out with friends and someone made the same suggestion (“I saw the item you’re looking for at Nordstrom Rack back in October”), of course I’d respond with something like “That’s REALLY helpful” and roll my eyes, and they’d probably get that yeah, it wasn’t that helpful. Would a friend in that situation be offended? I doubt it. But online commenters are not a group of girlfriends, I get that.

      3. I agree with Bonnie and tesyaa — I think the site has been very snarky lately, and I can think of a number of times when it has bothered me, but your post was amusingly unhelpful, and I thought the responses were hilarious. I’m sorry that you are less likely to come here as a result, but I found the exchange to be very funny. And, your comment/the responses did not pertain to a serious topic — I think I’m bothered more by the snark when it comes in response to what seems to be a poster’s more serious problem or concern. I found the sweater exchange to be pretty lighthearted. And I don’t see any snarky comments as of right now — that top is cute for the weekend, but I can’t see how in the world you could wear that under a suit.

      4. I frequently wonder whether we (people, women, whomever is relevant) are too sensitive about things. To be clear, I wasn’t here for the sweater exchange, so I’m not faulting Yes! for anything. And I’m certainly not condoning snark or otherwise not-nice behavior. Sometimes I think, though, that we’re a little oversensitive about others not being as “nice” as we’d like. I wonder this about myself, anyway, and I wonder if anyone else has similar thoughts?

        1. Yes, absolutely. Sometimes posters here get so up in arms over the most minor things. For example: when people were arguing about what is the definition of a “basic” wardrobe item and those who didn’t like Kat’s TPS pick were deemed “harsh.”

          1. And the poor person who referred to 15-20 pounds as “vanity weight” when she was comparing it to loss of weight that took her from life-threateningly obese to a healthier state. I get that 15-20 pounds is the difference between size 2 and size 6, but the piling on about the slightly dated term “vanity weight” was uncalled for.

          2. I’m not sure that rehashing every recent incident of snarkiness/alleged snarkiness is helpful to anyone…

          3. I wasn’t offended by the 2 remarks discussed myself and I do think that we can be too sensitive at times. However I’m pretty new myself and it takes some courage for some of us to put ourselves out here (or any blog really) and start posting as opposed to just lurking. So maybe we should be on better than normal behavior so we make the newbies feel welcome and inclined to come back.

          4. It’s hard to put yourself out there anonymously on a blog? SO we should all not be sarcastic so more people can anonymously put themselves out there?

            I think most of you are too sensitive, the snark is the only reason I can tolerate most comments, and lighten up.

          5. tesyaa, the thing that bothered me about the weight loss thing was that the whole thread became picking on those unfortunate two words and not about the serious issue the person was asking about. I’m sure that person never came back to participate in the conversation because it got totally derailed by the sniping. Ok, so the person didn’t phrase it perfectly.

          6. The OP who made the 15-20 pounds as vanity weight comment was the snarker in that conversation. She asked a serious question, but just couldn’t resist throwing in a snarky comment at others whose questions she perceives as trivial compared to hers. She could’ve just said “I’ve looked and didn’t see discussions dealing with this amount of weight loss” without dismissing the importance of a smaller amount of weight loss to other people. Sorry, no sympathy for her–she invited the derailment.

          7. tesyaa and anon at 12:47 identified the real issue, at least in my mind. It’s not so much snark as piling it on. It’s not snarky to point out that the shirt above wouldn’t really work with a suit, but when you have 37 comments saying the same thing, it comes across like everyone is jumping down the poster’s throat.

            I wonder if having a “Like” button on thissite would help with that issue? Commenters could express their agreement without posting essentially the same comment over and over.

      1. I was going to the same thing.

        Do I notice snark? Occasionally.

        Do I wish people would stop complaining about the exact same issue every single week? Definitely.

    5. Definitely…and I have even noticed a few people here are consistently snarky. This is a blog where most of the people who comment have higher education and it confirms my belief that all the modern education is just about learning some skill and doesn’t make a person a better human being.

  6. Hoping this community can help me out! It’s become clear that (1) we are priced out of buying a 2 or 3 bedroom home in NYC, (2) we are urban people, and (3) it may be time to move. We have a good group of friends in Philadelphia, my husband’s job is mobile, and I’m eligible to practice law under the 30 month public interest limited practice order before having to take the bar.

    I’ve been idly job hunting on national job boards for the past 3 months, and I have seen maybe 2 or 3 public interest law jobs in Philly come up the entire time…none in my areas of focus. I’m a public defender now, open to non-profits, universities, or government. Areas of interest (from law school, internships, work experience, etc) are criminal justice, civil rights, education, children’s rights, reproductive freedom, etc. Working towards the 10 year loan forgiveness, so I’m committed to the public sector. Are there just no jobs? Am I missing the right job boards? I’d be really grateful for any guidance. Many thanks in advance.

    1. Does your law school have reciprocity with any Philadelphia-area law schools for sharing job postings? Also, joining local professional organizations can help, as some of them share job openings with members.

    2. Can you take the train over and just spend a couple of days doing informational interviewing and networking among people in those sectors (contacts, contacts of contacts; this is where LinkedIn will be helpful) and having as many breakfasts, coffees, lunches, dinners, and drinks as you can?

      FWIW, my contacts in these fields may advertise more in local bar publications or work of mouth, especially for non-federal jobs. Looking from afar can be tricky, but if you meet people, they may make suggestions, reach out to you, or refer you to people who can move things along for you.

      Perhaps you could time things to attend a CLE that these folks might attend sponsored by local bar sections — those would be attended by the right sort of people.

      I don’t think that there is any substitute for boots on the ground, but that should be an easy trip to make.

    3. Not in Philly but as another public interest person: you’re searching idealist right? And have you thought about working at a non profit in the policy realm? I think your experience and law degree would be a huge resume boost for a lot of policy/counsel jobs.

    4. Not sure what the rules are for NJ, but just wanted to throw that out there for you if you want to expand your search. I have a friend who lives in Philly but works just over the boarder in NJ for a state agency. From what I understand his commute is not that long, so maybe something else to look into.
      I agree with the idealist rec – if you’re not already searching that.

      1. I second the NJ rec (check Camden), but note that there is a residency requirement for most NJ state employees. You have to move to and live in NJ within one year.

        Philadelphia is somewhat insular, so it helps to have a local connection, especially if you are looking for local government jobs. It’s my understanding that Philly PD positions are competetive. Philly is also openly Democrat-heavy compared to the rest of the state (I mention this in case you have Republican-leaning activities on your resume).

        Try to get access to the UPenn/Temple/Villanova/Drexel/Rutgers-Camden job boards if you can.

  7. I actually wore this shirt all the time when I was pregnant. I bought my normal size and wore a tank underneath, and it worked up until the very last few weeks. It was also good to wear postpartum when your body still looks pregnant. I wore it to work but being pregnant helped because it was a lot less drapey and pregnant women get tons of leeway with business casual.

    If you are not pregnant definitely size down. The shirt is huge.

    1. You need to be more specific. What kind of legal job are you looking for. Major Lindsay is generally a good choice for lateral firm moves.

  9. Is there still a stigma around online dating? That whole “only desperate people meet online”?

    I’m considering trying it, but I’m worried that I’ll be matched with people I work with (or know socially, and thus becoming the target of jokes), and that if I do meet someone great, that people will judge us for having met online when they ask “how did you meet”.

      1. Also, if you are matched with people you work with or know socially, it’s because they are on the site, too. So they can’t make you the target of jokes without opening themselves up for derision, too, right?

        1. I think of it as mutually assured destruction. I’m on here, you’re on here, get over it.

          With tinder, match, and all the other dating/hooking up apps online dating really has lost its stigma, at least in my experience as a 28 yr old.

          And most importantly, who cares what people think! you do you!

          1. You do you is 110% right!!

            Also, quick anecdote- a good friend of mine met her husband on match. They lived in row houses next to one another and he had even helped her shovel her car out after a snowstorm, but it took online dating to actually get them to go out together.

            They’ve been married for 4 years, together for 6 and are extremely happy.

          2. And to pile on, it’s a great tool to get out of your comfort zone. When I first starting online dating one of my married friends told me that while she hadn’t met her hubby online she did it and it was a great experience because it made her really think about what she wanted in a future partner, instead of bumping into people and then assessing their long term potential later. I completely agree with her assessment. I haven’t met anyone that I’ve dated seriously from any form of online dating but it’s really made me think about what I’m looking for in someone, especially what values I need to share with a future partner.

            And honestly it’s terrifying at first. I was the OP from a few months ago who had a super awkward first date, the women here made me feel 100X better about it. (Thanks again!) And hey you might have the same experience but it’s fleeting. You might meet the love of your life. You might not. I sure haven’t yet. But it’s made me a better dater and a much more confident person all around.

            And again F the haters. Yes, people say snarky things but who cares. They are typically the people who met their SOs very young or didn’t get on a professional track where it’s hard to date people, the “normal” way.

    2. I think that stigma faded away years ago! I actually think people are shocked now when single people aren’t doing online dating. Go for it!

      2. Agree — among my single friends, most either are doing online dating or have done it. And I don’t live in a large city. It’s not the MOST fun, really — you probably will encounter some people who could be described as “desperate,” and that’s a headache, but it is an efficient way to increase the number of people you are meeting. And once you’re a couple, no one really cares how you met.

      3. +1. It was unusual back when DH and I got married 10 years ago, but now it is totally normal.

      4. Just wanted to add another +1… the majority of my single friends (20s & 30s) who are looking for a relationship have at least tried online dating. Of course it’s not for everyone so don’t feel bad if it doesn’t work out for you, but certainly don’t let any supposed stigma stop you from giving it a shot.

    3. My fiance and I met on OK Cupid and we haven’t had any weird responses when we tell people that. Many people respond by telling us about their online dating experience. Definitely don’t worry about it!

    4. If you’re matched with someone you know or work with, that means he or she was also online dating. In my experience, people really don’t judge online dating anymore. I agree with Batgirl – I’m more surprised when single professionals AREN’T online dating.

    5. I agree with Batgirl. My boyfriend and I met online about two years ago. No one is surprised/shocked/horrified when I tell them we met online. As someone who isn’t particularly social and doesn’t love to go out, I don’t know how I would have met guys to date if I hadn’t gone online. Good luck!

    6. I used to be really hung up on the idea of having a “charming” story for how I met a significant other. (It’s probably because my parents have a precious story and I thought I was supposed to have one, too.) But I didn’t want to date someone in my professional network and I don’t really think meeting in a bar or on the subway or at the grocery store or whatever is markedly different/better/more charming than meeting online.

      What I like about online dating is that it was easier for me to take an active role in finding someone I connect with. I’m pretty shy in person (I’d have been very unlikely to approach someone first in a bar/subway/grocery store situation), but sending a message to somebody I don’t know and who I’ll likely never see again if it doesn’t pan out made it easier for me. I met my perfect boyfriend (who, incidentally, messaged me first) on OkCupid — pretty unlikely we’d have met otherwise. As far as I know, nobody thinks it’s odd or desperate. All of my single friends are currently on one site or another, and all of my friends who have been single at some point or another as adults have tried it.

    7. Yes. I have a theory that Internet dating is how difficult women get together with awkward men and it’s been pretty accurate so far.

      1. And clearly neither difficult women nor awkward men deserve love, so this is a problem for everyone…

    8. As to online dating, I like this perspective: What’s more important to you, finding a loving/healthy/fun relationship, or what the judgy judgersons out there *might* think of you? I would say take a deep breath and go for it! Your own stigmas will start to dissipate once you realize that normal people just like you are on the same sites, looking for the same thing!

      1. I’m 3 1/2 years married, 5 1/2 years with my husband. I started online dating because my social circle, though awesome, had NO opportunity to meet single guys. Like zero. And my friend, who was sick of hearing about it, signed me up for eHarmony (she answered the questions — because I’m apparently a horrible judge of just how “outdoorsy” I am, among other qualifiers they ask). A few people may have judged me that I was doing internet dating, but at the time (and now), I know far more people who do it/have done it and been successful for it. Are there creeps on these sites? Of course. Are there creeps at bars, bookstores and everywhere else people suggest you meet singles IRL? Of course.

    9. My best friend met her husband on a site that matches people with peculiar and extreme… bedroom proclivities. I’d say that’s looked upon as weird, but not “normal” online dating.

    10. My fiance and I met on Match 3 years ago and recently got engaged. I had a great experience online dating (granted, I was only on the site for about 3 weeks before I met him, so I got pretty lucky). Most of our friends and family know how we met and no one’s reacted strangely at all; it’s pretty common now. Sometimes I do wish I had a “cute story” of how we met, but honestly, I found a great guy who loves me to spend my life with. Who cares that I clicked on his profile rather than bumping into him at Starbucks?

      That being said, we tell our coworkers and acquaintances that we met “through friends” (which, given how many people we knew in common when we met, it’s actually funny it didn’t happen that way!). It’s just a simpler/easier story and it saves me from being known at my small firm as “the girl who met her fiance online” (seriously, a former coworker here met her boyfriend online & it came up in every conversation about her for some reason).

      1. I can sympathize about wishing my hubs and I had a “cute story” about how we met, but honestly, our first date was kinda awkward, as most first dates are, so it’s become our “meet cute” story to tell. (It involved no food being consumed over 5 hours, watching two homeless men wrestling in a Starbucks, and nearly losing toes to frostbite. Certainly memorable!)

        And that’s annoying your coworkers harp on how you met. It shouldn’t be an issue or an oddity.

    11. Saw a dating profile once that said “Open to lying about how we met” or something to that effect. made me laugh. I guess if you work your story out ahead of time, That works too :)

    12. Eh, I was once paired with a former law intern and found it amusing. Other peoples issues can be annoying when they interfere with your life, but why not use an available tool? If it works out, who cares? Some people meet through Craig[‘s list] or Matt[ch.com]. The important part is that they met and they are better off for having done so.

    14. Not anymore. Even in my more conservative/traditional area of the country, I’ve come across an increasing number of couples who openly admit to meeting online. I would say it’s been a huge increase over the past two years in particular. Very little shame/stigma for the major dating sites. However, I will admit to being a bit judgy myself when I hear people met on tindr or grindr.

  10. Do any of you live in “violent” neighborhoods? (e.g., burglaries, shootings). Guess where I live (Chicago). There have been a number of shootings near my neighborhood recently and I am starting to feel a bit nervous. I know that most are targeted/gang-related, but I also know that accidents happen and I honestly am starting to feel on edge. DH seems to feel totally okay with it, and we aren’t in a position to move at the moment. I appreciate any helpful thoughts and strategies (hopefully, the answer isn’t just “stay inside.”).

    2. I live in a neighborhood that has its fair share of burglaries and we are adjacent to a neighborhood with more violent (though mostly targeted) crime. What helped me was getting more engaged in the community– volunteering, meeting neighbors, going to playgrounds and parks and talking to folks. It won’t eradicate the violence, obviously, but it might make you feel more comfortable with the people around you.

    3. The best defense is a good offense.

      By “good offense” I mean educate yourself as to likely threats, get some good quality self-defense training, and work through scenarios to determine how to respond in given terrible situations (ex: waking up in the middle of the night to an intruder in your home, or an intruder trying to kick down your door; getting held up while trying to open your car door, etc). When I had a not-in-his-right-mind dude try to break down my door at 4am, and it took the police 12 minutes to arrive, I knew what my plan of action was for if he’d made it inside my house (he didn’t, fortunately).

      Knowledge is power, and the unknown is a lot less scary if you feel confident that, if the sh*t hit the fan, you would be able to spring into action.

      Does that mean something truly awful could never happen to you? Of course not. But it does mean that the chances go down, and that you won’t feel as on edge.

    4. I would second the good offense. Is a burglar alarm an option? My husband travels for work and we had a scare last year where I am pretty sure someone broke into our home/was possibly in it while I was sleeping when he was out of town. We have a gun in the bedside table (we don’t have kids and this is obviously a very personal decision) but I realized it wouldn’t do me any good if I slept through an intruder. Now we have a really loud alarm I can set that will go off when our doors are opened. I also purchased a taser because I was not comfortable carrying a gun on me and my state does not require a license to carry a taser. I don’t go through life anticipating that I am going to attacked but it makes me feel more secure knowing I have a plan to defend myself if I am. I otherwise try to be aware of my surroundings, particularly when walking alone or if I am in a questionable area. If you aren’t comfortable with or are otherwise opposed to carrying or owning weapons, a self defense class may be a good option.

      1. And even if you are comfortable with owning/carrying weapons, a self-defense class is still a good option, because there will be times/places where you can’t carry.

    5. I used to live in Uptown and now live in Wicker Park/Ukrainian Village (which is better than Uptown, but gets worse the further south/east you go). When I moved to Uptown I just made a conscious decision to not be afraid of my neighborhood. Be aware of your surroundings, of course, but you can’t let the fear change your life (in terms of the actual activities of your life – going out, being a part of the world). And I second the advice about getting involved. People like us need to be involved in our communities so the gangs don’t run the place. Lastly, if you are in Uptown, I recommend the Uptown Update blog. Good info about crime, but also community events, etc.

    6. I look at this like you look at plane crashes vs car crashes. You are MUCH more likely to statistically die in a car crash, but air plane crashes are scarier.

      The ‘worst’ neighborhood I lived in (most likelihood of gang violence) I never personally witnessed violence or was a victim, nor did any shootings occur while I lived there. Gang violence is rare but terrible, like a car crash.

      On the other hand, drug-related crimes and domestic abuse are much more common (like car crashes) and I’ve experienced those in much “safer” neighborhoods. A domestic-abuse related shooting happened in the building next to mine in a much safer neighborhood, and I can promise you, it happens even in the nicest neighborhoods. The nicest neighborhood I lived in close to the city ($1M condos, etc) myself and my neighbors were all victims of petty theft from a drug addicted young adult son of one of our neighbors (he stole GPSes, bicycles, whatever he could). He also drove drunk (or high, not sure) one night right down our street and plowed into the sidewalk. Someone could have easily been hurt or killed, and again, I can promise these crimes happen in the fanciest neighborhoods as well.

      Wealthier people have better lawyers and tend not to end up splashed across the front page when they commit these crimes, but they happen.

      1. I agree with you to a point. But having lived west of Bucktown and in Uptown in the 90s (still probably safer than Back of the Yards or the like) and in Highland Park, I can tell you that it isn’t simpy a matter of wealthier people having lawyers. I did have someone pull a gun on a friend, get chased through an alley until I pulled out pepper spray and started screaming, and had my car totaled by the gang banger across the street when he got pissed at his girlfriend and slammed his car into reverse instead of forward to pull away. Highland Park–more than decade with the only thing happening on my street being a neighbor who was arrested for white collar theft. While you always need to pay attention to surroundings–and crime certainly can happy in fancy neighborhoods–there is a notable difference in your safety in some areas. To the OP, I would recommend focusing on how much you put yourself out there as a potential victim. Don’t be an easy target: Invest in home security, carry pepper spray, park in high traffic and well-lit areas when possible. Don’t watch your phone instead of your surroundings when you walk. Mind your business as much as possible if it looks like selling is going on, and focus on getting somewhere else for the future.

  11. I’m heading to Chicago for a retreat in late September. I’ve been to Chicago before (and loved it!), so I think I’ve done most of the big tourist things, (e.g. the architectural boat tour, most of the architecture foundation walking tours, the hancock, Shedd, navy pier, etc).

    There are some places I’d like to go again (like the Art Institute, Milk and Honey cafe- I plan to buy all their granola, which is not available in Canada), but I guess I’m wondering what other things locals would suggest? Any local festivals around that time? Anything special and new that’s opened since 2012?

    1. By late September, most of the fests are over, but the weather should still be nice! That’s a great time to come here.

      For restaurants, here are some ideas:

      Maude’s for cocktails
      Nightwood for dinner and then gallery-hopping around Pilsen
      Floriole Bakery is sunny, adorable, and every single thing I’ve had there has been delicious. Get the croissants.
      Fat Rice — worth the hype, in my opinion, but they don’t take reservations, so go at like 5:45 and you’ll be seated right away!
      La Sirena Clandestina — same as above (no reservations, go early)
      Ruxbin and Two are fun and inventive.
      Dusek’s/Punch Bowl in Pilsen — haven’t been yet, but my friends have raved

      And my staples:
      avec, anytime
      XOCO (so good for a weekday lunch)
      Hot Chocolate for comfort food and dessert spreads
      Birchwood Kitchen for brunch or lunch
      Jane’s — love the atmosphere and the food

      What kind of food are you into? I can provide more specific recommendations if you’re looking for a certain type of dish.

      Other ideas for activities:

      Check out Chinatown — you can easily fill an afternoon eating/wandering
      See an indie at The Music Box and stop by Southport Grocery for brunch or Jeni’s for indulgent ice cream afterward
      Have you been to the MCA or the Chicago History Museum? Both are worth a visit if you haven’t already.
      I love visiting the Chicago Cultural Center at any time of year. It’s free, and there’s always a new exhibit to check out.
      Get a cocktail in the lobby of the Palmer House Hilton and feel like you’re in the Chicago of a hundred years ago.
      See live music at The Green Mill, a Chicago institution.
      Go to a farmers market! My favorite is Green City in Lincoln Park (Saturdays), but the Logan Square one is also supposed to be great (Sundays).
      Go for a run/walk/bike ride in Lincoln Park along the lake.
      If you like design, check out Andersonville — you can wander up Clark Street for hours visiting a combination of modern design shops and vintage/thrift stores. Plus, the area has interesting Swedish heritage (you can dine on Swedish fare at Svea or Ann Sather and visit the Swedish-American History Museum by Clark and Foster). For dinner/drinks in the area, try The Brixton (be sure to get a drink in the upstairs lounge!).
      Catch a dance show at Hubbard Street
      See a play at Steppenwolf, the Goodman, or one of Chicago’s many storefront theaters

      I could go on and on… let me know if there’s anything specific you’d like to do and I can give you more recommendations!

    2. Not a local, but…have you tried Wildberry for breakfast? They have seriously yummy pancakes. I’m hooked on their Oreo S’mores pancakes – yes, they are exactly what you’re thinking – Oreo pieces, marshmallow fluff, chocolate chips, chocolate sauce.

      Oh, and no calories. ;)

  12. Placed my first big order at Boden thanks to all of your recs… can’t wait for my shipment :)

  13. Reposting from yesterday when I was too late in the thread to get responses.

    I have a coworker at my same level and we both report into the same boss. I manage a team and he doesn’t. I’m new to the company and he’s been here for a few years, but recently after I joined he (lets call him Adam) has gotten promoted to the same level as me. If it matters, he is almost a decade older and somewhat pompous so might regard me as less experienced or needing guidance.

    There are a couple of recurring themes in our interactions. (1) He is constantly giving me suggestions about things relating to my team and/or team’s work. These are often in emails so it would seem like he is thinking about things that are not very relevant to him. E.g. recently sent a suggestion that I should hold off hiring a replacement for x team member who left, until y event happens. I don’t think there’s any reason to hold off, so I’m not. (I didn’t reply). Sometimes I’ve replied making my case for what I’m doing or why I won’t do what he’s suggesting. But he isn’t my boss and it affects him in no way whatsoever, so why should I?

    (2) Adam frequently copies our super-busy, very senior boss on his relatively mundane emails. It may be a way of either making himself look good, or making me look bad. E.g. recently sent an email saying, “About this new project requiring work from both our areas. You need to have alerted me to it earlier because X.” and copied my superior. However, the catch is that I myself wasn’t aware of this project so it was news to me. If I’d known, I surely would have included him. I replied to all saying that – and yet again copying my supervisor on an unnecessary bit of correspondence. But I really think the issue could have been resolved by Adam coming over to my office and just asking (just down the corridor).
    I’m leaning towards ignoring to avoid confrontation/conflict, but I’d appreciate other suggestions on how to deal from you professional women.

    1. In my experience, it pays to stand up a bit at the outset or you’ll be dealing with this forever and it will morph even worse over time. Walk over to his office and tell him that you think the two of you are perfectly capable of managing whatever issue X is (in this instance, the project you hadn’t even heard about) and that you would appreciate he discuss things with you beforehand before messaging in your supervisor. Calling him out on bad behavior is the only way to make it stop. It’s like a school yard bully who is testing how much power he really has over you.

      Also, stop explaining why you are doing what you are doing with your team. That again is only giving him power over you. (And don’t be surprised if he starts talking to your team as if they report to him–that’s the latest I’m seeing out of someone similar in my organization. [Fortunately, I’m just a bystander.]) The sooner you set the tone that you are in charge and managing your area just fine, the more likely he will be to step back into his own space and stop feeling like his new promotion gives him leeway to fill whatever perceived vacuum he believes there is. Folks around will also pay you greater respect.

    2. I’m not sure that his behaviour really reflects badly on you. I think it more looks like he’s sending wasteful messages. I’d ignore the issue – I think confronting him won’t resolve anything, he’s just trying to get under your skin.

      I’d consistently reply all (include boss) if he’s cc’d the boss with messages that are neutral and vaguely dismissive. “Thank you for your suggestions, I’ll take them under consideration in determining the best course of action for my team.” ; “I alerted you to joint project as soon as I was advised that the project was upcoming/existed/going ahead/whatever. Time is short so let’s focus on the tasks at hand.”

  14. I’m thinking about going on a solo vacation sometime in third part of the year, and I’m soliciting suggestions! I’ve traveled solo before to Turkey and I’ve traveled independently (meaning no tours) but with friends/my boyfriend throughout Asia and Central America, and Southern Africa, so I consider myself a seasoned traveler. I’m looking to go somewhere for 1-2 weeks that is preferably not cold. I’m not a beach person, but I do love experiencing exotic-to-me culture, history, food, and adventure.

    Any recommendations? I know it is a short period of time.

    1. Argentina is lovely at that time of the year as the seasons are reversed. I think October/November is prime time to watch the whales migrating past Ushuaia.

      1. Oh, I hadn’t even thought of that, and it’s somewhere on my bucketlist!

  15. I just tried shaving with conditioner instead of shaving foam based on suggestions here and wow! Where was this all my life! A much closer shave, and no razor burn or irritation to boot!

  16. I need some advice from the hive on how to deal with external clients that often ask, what I perceive to be “lazy” or “stupid” questions? I work in a client-facing role, not law, and after 5 years I’m kind of coming to the end of my rope. I used to be able to tell myself, when it came to questions (more specifically) about my job that these people were not in my industry, and laugh off the dumb ones – but recently the stupid/lazy questions have really started to impact me. Most recent example – my assistant scheduled a conference call the other day and included call in details within the appointment sent in advance. One of the participants emailed an hour before the call for the call-in details. It’s this constant minor stuff that’s really starting to make me nuts!

    1. Can’t your assistant handle those emails/questions? For myself, I just tell myself it’s part of my job, and part of building good relationships with external people. If they ask me a small question and I help them out cheerfully, or get them the answer from someone else, that is just part of building the relationship – it wouldn’t be helpful to ignore them, answer grumpily, or tell them to google it.

    2. I agree with Marilla. This is just a part of dealing with a customer-facing job. I worked for a number of years in a customer facing role, and my assistant picked up a really nasty habit of telling customers to “just check the website.” It really offended a number of people, and got both of us a sharp reprimand (even though I didn’t know of or approve her methods). It was the worst for customer relations, because while people rarely remember to say thanks when you’re kind, they will never forget if you ignore them or treat them as inferior because they asked a “stupid” or “lazy” question.

      You can’t change the customers, only your attitude toward their needs.

  17. A friend asked me if I’d be willing to watch her 5 month old for the evening (I watched him last night). He is such a sweet baby and is really good. I was on a business trip when I agreed to watch him and didn’t know what they had going on and didn’t have a chance to get the details. I thought maybe they just wanted to go out to dinner or something. Turns out that were going to a baseball game that started at 6:30. I figured they’d be home by 10 pm. They didn’t get home until midnight! I’m such a grouch about my sleep schedule…..needless to say I didn’t make it to my workout this morning. Next time I need to not make assumptions and find out when they’ll actually be home. Would you by annoyed? I realize this is ultimately my fault…

    1. I am surprised they didn’t give you a heads up on their timeline– at least on the night you came over– but wouldn’t be overly annoyed. I’m sure they don’t get out much and probably had a blast. I also would have definitely taken a nap on their couch once baby was in bed though.

      1. Same. I wouldn’t be overly annoyed – maybe a tad in the moment, but I’d be over it the next day.

      2. I agree with this. It was nice of you to watch their child and I am sure they appreciated it. They are probably accustomed to having a weird sleep schedule and had forgotten that some people can actually get 7-8 hours straight every night.

    2. I wouldn’t, but I have a small child and I can almost guarantee what happened – they got out there, likely for the first time since the baby was born and probably the first time she’s really had a beer or been comfortable being out in nearly 15 months, and all the sudden the 10pm that they probably were even shooting for became midnight. And you’re a friend, not a high school babysitter, so they felt they had the leeway to do it. Or maybe even sort of forgot for a half second that it was an inconvenience, just because they felt like their old-selves. Not saying you don’t have the right to be annoyed. Just saying that I totally get where your friend was likely coming from. And that she likely didn’t do it to take advantage of you.

    3. You rightly recognize that you were amiss in not clarifying the expected end time, but if I were in your situation I’d be annoyed nevertheless.
      If I were asked to babysit I usually assume it’s for a two to three hour timeframe. If they had paid for a babysitter (at $15-$20/hour, the prevailing rate in my area) the 5.5 hour services would have cost them a pretty penny! They certainly should have asked you if the time frame was okay at the very beginning.
      I’m a grouch about my sleep too, so I agree with A Nonny Mouse that I’d have dozed on the couch rather than sit up waiting after about 10ish.

      1. we pay our baby sitter for 5-6 hrs all the time. and yes, at $18/hr. so its not weird to think that is a thing, “pretty penny” or not. But I agree with maddie ross and suspect her idea is what happened.

    4. I’d be super annoyed. Most people do not stay out until midnight or later on a Tuesday. There’s no reason you should have expected them to be so late, and no reason they should have expected you to be fine with getting home that late. Their conduct is really disrespectful of you and your time. I definitely would not watch their kid again.

    5. Yeah, next time I’d just put your own hard stop on babysitting – e.g. “happy to, but I need to leave by 9” or whatever.

  18. So I’m in the market for firm control shapewear, preferably a strapless body suit, to wear under my wedding dress. I’m thinking of buying from Her Room; my options in the link below. I’m wondering if anyone has tried or recommended any specific piece? For what it’s worth, I’m (relatively) petite (5’3″, 120 lbish, small B cup, a 0-2 in J. Crew/Banana Republic and a 4-6 in, like, Hugo Boss or Trina Turk or something). I’m looking for something to perk up the b**bs and suck in the stomach (which sticks out in front way more than side to side, if that makes sense), but I’m also wondering if a firmer control type garment would add more inches than it would reduce for someone of my size. Thoughts?

    2. Longline corsets don’t work on my shortwaisted, hourglass shape so I have to go with 2 pieces. I like the Spanx Higher Power high waisted shaper tucked into a well fitting strapless bra.

    3. Consider having a shaper sewn into your dress. My friend did that recently and apparently it was much more comfortable than a separate shaper.

    4. Congrats on your upcoming wedding. I’m close to the same size as you, and I wore Spanx High Power Extended Length under my gown. What kind of material is your gown? Some of the shapewear I tried was visible under my dress, so (perhaps this is obvious) I would definitely try whatever you select under the dress to be sure you don’t run into that problem. I had cups sewn into my gown and recommend doing that. This was far more comfortable, and I didn’t have to worry about a bra peeking out of my dress.

      Also, today on Rue La La there is a Spanx sale. Perhaps something on that site could work for you.

    5. I’d be careful about ordering from Her Room if you think you might have to return anything. No personal experience, but read really bad reviews about trying to get refunds from that site.

    6. I would (1) have your seamstress for your wedding dress sew in cups/corsetry (that’s what mine did, worked perfectly and no adjusting ALL DAY), and (2) wear some spanx or spanx pantyhose for the bottom half. IME the one-piece things never work well.

    7. Easy returns were important for me so I ended up wearing an Assets shaper from Target. I used the super control (low waisted, but I know they have high waisted ones as well) and had my seamstress sew push-up cups into my dress. It was super comfortable and did a great job sucking every thing in and making me look smooth. Plus it was less than $30. The size I ordered online didn’t fit so I was able to pop into the store, try on another size, and exchange it in about 15 minutes.

  19. What is the best way to search for cheap flight for a particular month from one city to pretty much anywhere on a given continent? I have some time off I have to take in August and I’d like to go to Europe but tickets are really expensive right now (which is why I usually try to avoid international travel in August, but oh well…). I basically just want a website that will tell me the cheapest places in Europe to go to in August from NYC. Does this exist or do I have to just keep trying individual destinations?
    Also, any suggestions on where to go in August (Europe or otherwise)? I’d like to avoid anywhere overrun with tourists which puts a wrinkle in things, but very flexible on location.

    1. Try Kayak’s Explore feature. I was just doing this for flights to Europe. You can choose a region and then a month or season, and you’ll see tons of options!

    2. Google flights! You can look at their map for just general places to go. And apparently kayak too, though I don’t usually use that one.

    3. airfarwatchdog! you can set alerts from your city and they will send you everything that they think is a deal

    4. for about a year I had an automatic email from kayak with flights from my city with price parameters, etc. it was great, and lots and lots of fun cheap travel that year.

    6. Skyscanner dot com. You can search from your destination to “everywhere”, and can also search for departure and arrival dates by specific date, week, or month, and it will show you fares by country and you can click through and see what’s available for the different cities. It is based on passenger searches in preceding weeks, I think, so maybe some of the other options suggested are better, but I’ve always used this as a jumping off point to see where I can get a deal.

  20. Has anyone on this site felt like they made a mistake in their career choice at some point? I’ve been struggling with this recently which I guess is also compounded by having difficulty finding work that I enjoy. For context I have been working in academia and over the past few months it has come to my realisation that I don’t really enjoy teaching and most of what goes along with being an instructor or professor. Also been feeling like I have also lost interest and enthusiasm in the subject matter that I do teach. Unfortunately most of the job leads that I seem to get are in this area. I’m now in my mid thirties and have an advanced degree, I’m now wondering whether I need to start over maybe even go back to school and study something else. Feels like being stuck in a rut and not sure how to get unstuck.

    1. Is there anything you do feel passionate about? I don’t want to suggest “depression” to every case of someone being in a rut, but if you feel stuck and unhappy about everything in your life, not just your career, it might be a consideration.

    2. Take a look about what you do like about your job and go from there. Don’t like teaching students but enjoy the research part of academia? Maybe you’d be better off as a researcher for a think-tank or govt?

      Try to get satisfaction from other areas of your life. Your job isn’t your only source of happiness – try to reframe it as being your income source and non-work as happiness time (at least until you can move into a job you enjoy).

      1. Agree with this. Also, look into what other people with the same advanced degree do. I bet a lot of them are not teaching. Perhaps consulting work, non-profit, government? Also, would you be able to switch into an administrative or even career counseling type role at the same university? I bet they would value someone who has your background.

  22. Does anyone have any solar charger for iphone/ ipad recommendations? From what I have read, the Solio Bolt is considered a good choice for apple products, but it seems like every set of reviews I read (for any charger) goes all over the place.
    TIA!

  23. I started working in a new office a few weeks ago. The position was laterally, and I was very excited about it because the boss asked me to come work for him, and the work is interesting. However there is a lot to learn and I keep making mistakes. In my old office I was the go-to person, and now I am back to bottom of the wrung and making all kinds of silly and careless mistakes that once I realize them I think “duh.” I feel like I am making a terrible impression, and it’s making me anxious, which is then causing me to make even more mistakes!! How can I avoid making so many stupid mistakes and stop making a terrible impression. I don’t want my boss to regret bringing me over.

  24. Stumbled upon this bralette, and I’m about as “well” endowed as the model. Finally a cute bra for us small ladies. BUT I have no idea what to swear it under….

    Also, anyone have ideas on cute swimsuit styles for us small ladies?

  25. This top does not in any way work with a suit, and would be out of place in even a business casual environment (leggings would look good with this, but leggings are not okay at work). Seems a very strange pick.

  26. My husband purchased our house 6 years ago before we were married. We got married 3 years ago. I’ve lived with him since the house was purchased. I’ve always objected to the purchase of our current house because it was a foreclosure and needed/needs significant work. It’s not just outdated it’s run down and gross. However, I didn’t have much footing to stand on because I wasn’t willing to put any money down on a house together when we weren’t yet married (and had only been together for 1 year). So, he purchased the house he wanted. Fast forward 6 years – the backyard landscaping is almost done (by my husband with a little bit of my help) and the kitchen and upstairs we paid a contractor $34k to remodel (after I had a serious melt down about it). The garden level basement is still empty and unusable. My husband refuses to pay a contractor another $20k to do the basement. My husband resents me because I don’t want to help with all these projects. He admits that he doesn’t enjoy these projects but that he feels like he has to do them to fix the house up. He resents me because I don’t help. I don’t want to come home from a 10 hour day and remodel a house or landscape a yard. I want to spend my weekends having fun. I realize that life isn’t all fun and games and that houses require up keep but this isn’t just upkeep, it’s remodeling.

    This battle has been on going for the last 5 years and I’m so sick of it. He has asked me what I think the solution is and I told him that we should pay the contractor to remodel the basement or sell the house and upgrade to a move in ready place. Our salaries have steadily increased over the last 5 years and we now make about $200k/year combined (no debt besides house) and we (husband) purchased the house for $165k and could sell it now for about $275k.

    We’ve been to counseling about this and nothing gets resolved. We’ve been talking about having kids (I’m 30, he’s 32) and I don’t know if that’s the best idea until we get these battles worked out. Has anyone been through anything similar? I seriously don’t know what to do. I can’t handle this house anymore. Seriously, I’m 30 years old and I can’t use half my house after living in it for 6 years. I’m fed up. I’m all ears to advice.

    1. There’s nothing in here that I saw that says why your husband also wouldn’t want to sell the house. What’s his hold up on selling it?

      If selling it is absolutely off the table, I’d devote a few weekends (maybe 4? 5?) to spending the entire time doing some work on the house with your husband. I’m sure there’s work you two can do to make areas of the house usable again. I know you weren’t involved with the house, but if I were in your husband’s shoes, I’d also be pretty irritated if my spouse was telling me that she wouldn’t help with the house for 5 years, and I’ve been shouldering that load for years and doing remodeling that I also didn’t enjoy. To me, part of marriage is helping out your spouse with burdens like this even when you don’t want to…

      And just as an fyi, even when you live in a house that you like (I have for 6 years now), you will still spend entire weekends doing heavy work on the house. That’s just a part of being a homeowner unless you’re willing to pay someone to do it all.

      1. Thank you for all the responses. He is totally against selling the house because 1) I think that for him that would be admitting defeat (the house defeated his reno capabilities) and 2) we could sell it for a lot more if it’s in move in ready condition.

        See above – I stated at the purchase of the house that it was a bad idea and that neither one of us would want to spend time fixing it up.

    2. Hmm – do you maybe need a post-nup? As someone who owns a home pre-marriage, I would be pretty hesitant to sell it or give up my equity for a joint home in a “short” relationship (or frankly, any relationship – no matter how solid, I’ve seen enough divorces at this stage of my life). Perhaps that’s his concern and if you jointly go in on remodeling it, you’ve commingled and he’s lost his separate investment. (That said, if this is his issue, he has to pick a side – his house/his deal or joint house and shouldn’t be getting upset with your lack of help.)

      1. No to post nup, all of our money is combined and he considers the house to be both of ours.

    3. Were you already living together when he bought the house, and you just refused to put $$ down on it? Is your name on the title now or just his? When in this period did you get married?

      You sound spoiled IMO – he had to put the money down and you agreed that you would live there, and now he has to do all the work to fix it up and you refuse to help? I would put down my hammer at that point too. Did you have any conversations about fixing up the house prior to purchase? Why would he not want to sell and buy a move-in-ready place? It sounds like you are trying to solve things ex-post when you should have talked about all this stuff beforehand.

      1. See, I disagree. Maybe after 6 months, but after 6 years? A person has a right to change their mind after entering a situation that didn’t work out the way they hoped (and honestly, it doesn’t sound like the OP ever actually wanted this). And maybe it would have been better to settle things earlier, but, again, after 6 years it’s probably best not to dwell on whether you should be in your current situation…you should move forward. And the thing about remodels is that there isn’t much room to compromise. Either you do the work or you contract it out. Maybe there’s a way to break it down into smaller projects, but you need a firm timeline etc to do that…and frankly, it sounds like the tiemline is the biggest concern here. If OP knew everything could be done in a month, I’m guessing she’d pitch in.

        1. Thank you Flying Squirrel. This is how I feel….I used to think, I’m 25, I can live like this for a while. Now I’m 30 and I want a house that I’m proud of. We work hard and we’re not poor, yes, we’re saving a ton of money with this low cost house but at what point does quality of life out weigh saving money?

          Time line is the biggest thing. My husband said that house would be done “in a couple years” when we got it. We’re now 3X that time line.

      2. No we were not living together when the house was purchased. I moved into the house when it was purchased. We did have conversations before purchase to which I said: 1) I think this is a bad idea because when are either one of us going to have time to work on the house when we both work between 4o and 60 hours per week? 2) I do not envision spending a huge amount of time fixing up this house. If that’s how you want to spend your time and you enjoy remodeling (my dad enjoys this stuff so I thought he might too) then go for it.

    4. I can totally relate (well, not really, but I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all!!). We’ve been remodeling since August (and had a baby in the interim to boot), and there are days when I come home and just want to cry seeing piles of building materials lying around…and we even hired a contractor, so this is just bout not being able to use our house…not even having to do work on it myself.

      So, first, from an outsider’s perspective your situation is insane. I needed my sister to point out that any one of the many things in our life was stressful (remodel, new baby, new job, new house…). And same to you. New-ish marriage, contemplating TTC, remodel, doing the work yourself…each of those things is stressful. Add to that the fact that in six years you haven’t finished, and it really seems absurd to keep doing the same thing over-and-over again (and seriously, the remodel has put you in couples therapy but your DH still won’t budge on how to approach it?). If it were just one unused back corner of your house, maybe…but it sounds like the whole thing. What are other aspects of your relationship like, b/c I’m just having a hard time picturing how this works (and I understand it probably sounds more miserable than it is).

      Honestly, at this point I might up and say that I was checking into a hotel until the work finished and he was welcome to join, refuse to lay tile (or whatever) ever again, or insist on a contractor (offer to do all the work of finding, hiring, and overseeing them). Sounds harsh, but this is a pretty extreme situation from how it reads (again, maybe it’s not as bad as it sounds in your post). Then again, my DH often needs very swift kicks in his pants to actually change his behavior, so maybe that’s just us.

      Hang in there, though, at least know that you’re not being unreasonable to want this to be over.

      1. Dang it accidently hit report – having issues today. The upstairs is usable and beautiful because I demanded that we pay someone to remodel it. The downstairs, not usable at all. My contribution was overseeing the whole upstairs remodel (make sure things are on budget, quality of install and materials, go home when appliances are delivered, etc.) as you suggested. I’m more than willing to do that for the downstairs too.

        Overall we have a pretty good relationship. I love the guy but this is driving me insane. I know it’s a “prove he’s a manly man” type thing. What pushed me over the edge today was when I asked him if he could take next Friday off from work because my dad’s going to be in town and he said the only days off he’ll be taking are to finish landscaping the backyard. It’s almost like being a workaholic. If someone can’t take time with family because they’re working 24/7 then it’s an issue. Same thing here for me.

    5. I was faced with a somewhat similar situation. We had kids before we resolved our house issues – I really regret the timing. Adding kids will compound the problem — you will be even more opposed to spending your freetime focused on house renos. Set a deadline to resolve the issue – e.g. house done in 18 months. If you’re 30 and you budget a 40 week (10 month) pregnancy plus 6 mths to get pregnant – if you want to have kids when you’re 33 then you need to resolve the house stuff in the next 18 months. Men often don’t realize these timelines. Do not be me and have your kitchen counter installed the day you are in the hospital having the baby.

      The fact that you’re in counseling on this issue but he’s still not willing to move at all is a bit of a red flag for me. It shows a lack of respect for your values. You were clear that you did not want this lifestyle and he’s not respecting that.

      He needs to bring forward a proposal as to how to resolve this — maybe you have a contractor do some larger/more complicated work, he does the rest and you commit to contributing a finite amount of time -e.g. 4 hours per weekend for 6 months?

      1. I think there is a middle ground here. You pitch in for some work, but you pay for some work too

        1. OP can go to the “middle ground” if she wants to, but it seems like she was actually really, really clear from the get-go that she was not up for remodeling/renovation. Dude purchased a home that required those things. Dude subsequently married OP *knowing* OP had no interest in participating in remodel shenanigans. And now he’s holding her hostage and making her miserable because she doesn’t share his feelings of obligation to do a gross, horrible task that he himself doesn’t actually want to do? Nope. Not cool. OP, return directly to counseling – do not pass go, do not collect $200, do not proceed with any major life decisions or changes until you’ve worked this out with a *competent* therapist (not one who lets H dip out the door without a mutually-agreed resolution to the very issue that brought you to therapy in the first place).

          1. I read it more as dude made clear he wanted a fixer-upper. He wanted to save money. Didn’t want to blow it on an a full priced house when he could get a deal and fix it up himself. He doesn’t want to pay someone to do the work as this ruins the point. OP married him knowing this. Now she is sick of living in the fixer upper. Likely she thought the timeline would be different. He probably doesn’t want to sell it as is because he can get more money when it is finished and once the work is done, why not live in it? He probably doesn’t like spending his free time this way but sees it as savings. OP was clear from the get-go she didn’t want to work on the fixer upper. The way I see it is she doesn’t get to complain that he is busy fixing the house and he doesn’t get to complain that she isn’t helping. That was the deal they had. The time frame though, that can be revisited.

          2. I’m not saying Dude wasn’t clear as well – it sounds like he bought the house early in their relationship, so I’m not saying it’s a problem that he made the choice he made initially. The problem – the one he’s refusing to address, from OP’s description of things – is that he willingly married someone who had less than zero interest in remodeling, and now feels entitled to badger her and browbeat her and hold her hostage in a home she’s not comfortable in because of a decision he made unilaterally 6 years ago. The remodel really isn’t the issue here – it’s that H apparently married OP thinking he could persuade? nag? bully? OP into doing something she apparently clearly identified long ago as a thing she’s not willing to do. I’m not an idiot – I understand why some people would prefer a remodel to a move-in home – but Dude appears willing to blow up his marriage over it. THAT’S a problem. A serious, therapy-requiring problem.

          3. You are both right on the money. I was 24 years old when I moved into this house, I was used to living in crappy places. Now I’m 30 and I want to live in a home I can be proud of. It is mostly the time line that I can’t handle. I’ve been patient but come on …..6 years!

          4. KKH, you make an excellent point about the H wanting to blow up a marriage over a deal made 6 years ago!!! Why this timeframe isn’t enraging others, I don’t know. Maybe I’m unrealistic about remodel timeframes, since I’m losing my mind after 1 year on ours. But I promise you that me and Baby Squirrel will be very comfortably holed up in a move-in ready condo somewhere if this insanity persists for another year and Mr. Squirrel blocks any efforts to expedite it (he wouldn’t, he hates the reno disruption more than I do at this point)…he can live with us, visit, whatever he likes. I wouldn’t want to leave him, but I would want to (and would) leave the house…it’s just a house!!!

            That said, Mr. Squirrel and I have had sticking issues that didn’t pass the outside sniff test…the most serious of which ended up being due to Mr. S. being really embarrassed over the fact that he failed at something he felt he shouldn’t have. It’s more than, prove I’m a manly man, it’s a deep, I’m not the person I thought I was, embarrassment (even though his “failure” was at least partially due to things he could never have controlled and partially due to the person that he is not being suited to the task…but I love the person that he is regardless). So maybe there’s something going on here like that. In our situation, Mr. S spent an inordinate amount of time trying to succeed (or at least fix the problem in other ways) when I would have been happier with him just saying, “This isn’t going to happen. I’m sorry, I couldn’t do what I promised. Let’s figure out what we can both live with.” I don’t know the best path to getting to that place (I don’t recommend the route I took–though I somewhat facetiously did above, which is to do something drastic to change the situation). But I do think you need to get to that place. Life is way, way, way too short to be miserable all the time…and no one else gets to decide what makes you miserable. I would be beside myself if I had to spend 6 years(!!! I got a PhD in that amount of time) in a half-finished, unlivable house…so I totally get it making you miserable. But the bigger point is that just b/c your husband can function doesn’t mean that you can or should. This is probably nothing new, but have you framed this conversation in terms of its being a problem for you? As in, not “No one could live like this”, but “I can’t live like this anymore, maybe someone else could, but I can’t. I’m miserable and I know you love me. Help me be not miserable.” And from a practical standpoint, it sounds like agreeing to a firm timeline, including alternate paths if you don’t meet it, sounds like the way to go. As in, if the downstairs isn’t done in 2 months you are hiring the contractor. Maybe even see if you can find some good guidelines for valuing non-use (we ended up having to fire our first contractor, and one of the recommendations was to look into what liability he had for makign our house unusable…there is a way of attributing a monetary value to that). I’m guessing that it’s worth much, much more than $20K to have your house usable at this point. People are terrible at valuing their own time, but it’s worth thinking about it.

    6. This sounds like a money issue, since I’m guessing you are not in the remodeling business, and neither is your husband! I would suggest that you both agree to set aside $X per month, to be used for property upgrades. You should contribute half and husband contribute half. Once you have the money, get the work done professionally. It may take a while, but as you point out, you already have a job and don’t need another one. Also, since you are talking about the basement (kitchen and upstairs already done), it won’t kill you to wait until you have sufficient funds. After one project is done, keep contributing to fund the next one (and yes, there is always a next one).

      1. We have $160k sitting in investments that could be used to fund this $20k-$30k reno. It’s not about not having the money – it’s about my husband not wanting to pay someone to do this stuff.

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