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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Elbow-Sleeve Wrap Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Audrey Whitmore is one of those brands that kept showing up in my social media feeds until I relented and bought something. My only conclusion is that sometimes The Algorithm knows me better than I know myself.

This faux wrap dress comes in a variety of great prints, has a super-flattering neckline that doesn’t go too low, and HAS POCKETS. What more could I ask for? I’ll note that the jersey fabric is totally opaque, but not particularly thick. If you’re concerned about lumps and bumps showing through, you might want to add a slip or a pair of Spanx.

The dress is $68, marked down from $118, and comes in sizes S–2X.

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Sales of note for 12.5

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292 Comments

  1. We have been together 15 years and earn similar but my partner does earn slightly more. We have always kept our money separate as I’m a bit more of a spender (particularly on a hobby) and he just doesn’t spend as much on things. We pay half each for all the bills and jointly own our house though he put more deposit down and pays more for bigger maintenance costs. I’m interested to hear how people manage money with kids who aren’t ‘all in’ for finances. We have a joint account for bills and both just pay the same in monthly. Currently I like being able to spend on my hobby as I want.

    1. Not the person you are asking, but we have totally combined finances and both have expensive hobbies and neither of us currently feel like we can’t spend what we want on them. Spending how you want to spend and combining finances are not mutually exclusive.

      1. +1. 100% combined, I’m the one with expensive hobbies, and it’s a non-issue. I just wouldn’t want the mental labor of tallying who paid for what and when and whether it’s fair based on salary.

      2. I think it’s more a me problem than a him problem, if we both had expensive hobbies I’d find it easier!

      3. Agreed, we’re fully combined finances but neither of us clears purchases with the other one. Fwiw, I’m the big spender (on travel) in our marriage and we basically have a don’t ask don’t tell policy because he doesn’t want to know how much I spend on that. He earns quite a bit more than me but I feel zero guilt about spending more money than him. I don’t need to work – he had outstanding job security and our family could live very comfortably off his salary, so I view my salary as essentially funding my travel hobby. Also he spends essentially zero dollars on non-essential stuff and my life would be miserable if I held myself to that standard. We save very well for retirement and kids’ college and our house is paid off, so we can objectively afford it and that’s all that matters.

      4. Same but good point below about being cautious if you’re not legally married.

    2. Since you use the term partner and not spouse, I’d say keep things separate. My husband and I are one pot and that works for us. We’re high earners so spending isn’t a big issue. We talk about any purchases over a threshold we set. But we have shared goals and are planning for the long term together so it doesn’t make sense for us to keep things separate. It would be hard to have a cohesive financial strategy otherwise.

      1. PS – not denigrating a long term partner either, had one before and kept things separate there. For me, maybe not you, I knew I wasn’t in it “forever” and didn’t want the mess if an eventual disentanglement.

    3. We have a setup similar to yours, except that the contribution to joint expenses is proportional to income. So if his salary is 60% of our combined income, he will contribute 60% of the joint expenses. All joint stuff goes through a household account, and we each have a personal account with the rest. Our spending habits are pretty well aligned, so over time, more and more things have moved into the joint expenses category. No homeownership yet. This setup works pretty well for us.

      1. My husband and I do a percentage contribution to the joint account as well. It made the most sense for us, especially since I have a small weekly draw and then large irregular distributions, so I’ll put in a monthly amount based on my regular draw, then when I get a larger distribution I make a separate additional contribution. We just upped our contributions now we have a kid in daycare, and if we get too low, we both just put in more money 50/50. If you don’t include my additional distributions, he actually makes a little more, but on a “good” year, I’ll make almost twice as much as him. This is the fairest way I could think to do it. He’s hourly so when he was off work for the baby, he was on unemployment for three weeks and making slightly less than usual (don’t get me started on the whole lack of paternity leave) but we didn’t adjust anything. If he’d had an issue with the contributions though, we would have.

        We do whatever we want with our own separate finances (including groceries, lol, although we keep saying we should just combine our separate shopping trips) and don’t set a hard cap on anything but talk over large purchases first (i.e., vehicles, furniture).

    4. Op here- I should add I’m in Europe and will likely have a years maternity, around a third at full pay and the rest on state maternity so would be bringing in less for that year.

      1. In this case, during that year, I would discuss with your partner something that feels fair to both of you. You’ll be getting paid less for your work, but it’s work and it’s valuable to your family. For that year, you and your partner could switch to percentage contributions, your partner could contribute half of your reduction in earnings, and/or you could each agree to contribute some amount from your savings to make things easier.

    5. Add the kid stuff into your joint fund expenses and expect to contribute a lot more to it. Kids are cute but they ain’t cheap ;).

      I have 3. We spent $50k/year on childcare for a while.

      1. This was going to be my recommendation – if you’re otherwise happy with your setup I would just increase what you put in the joint account to pay for kid expenses. Since you point out you’ll be bringing in a lot less when you’re on maternity leave, maybe for that period of time your partner contributes 70%-80% to your 20-30% (or whatever makes sense) and you plan on adjusting that over time when you go back to work.

      2. +1 not married/partnered but this is what my parents did/do and it seems to have worked out well for them

    6. background: My preschooler is mine from a previous marriage, but I have sole legal custody and the kid ~90-95% of the time. I bought the house before I met him, he pays a tiny bit towards it (we have a rental agreement for now but he may start buying in to equity over time, which we’d paper, of course). I take home about 130K and he takes home 85K (but just started earning that much).

      We have a joint credit card that we pay of 45/55 and use for groceries, trips, etc. It’s tilted that way out of historical acknowledgment that, you know, it was my kid, and that I earn more than him. I pay for childcare, but that’s about to drop off or decrease as he starts kindergarten next year.

      1. I’m in a similar boat to you, Cornellian, except I share custody and receive child support. I hope you don’t mind me asking more questions because my partner and I are in the process of figuring out how to handle finances.

        Do you have a joint bank account in addition to a joint credit card? How did you decide on a joint credit card? I love using my Sapphire card for the travel points and would hate to split my expenses on two cards.

        1. Not Cornellian, but my husband and I do not have joint accounts, but we do have a joint credit card. I use my Chase Sapphire as my personal card, and we have Chase Freedom Unlimited for our joint card, which I like because it gets 1.5% back on groceries/household supplies, which is a big chunk of the spending on that card. Once a month, I just submit two payments for the card – half from his checking account and half from mine (I’ll also adjust this split if someone has paid for something else out of checking or if I put a joint travel expense on the Sapphire card to get the higher points – this takes me maybe…five minutes? each month to reconcile). This works well for us because we can combine the points from the Unlimited Freedom card with my Sapphire card to transfer for travel, etc.

        2. Hi there! I, in theory, am entitled to child support, but generally get 0-100 a month, so I don’t count on it.

          We don’t currently have a joint bank account, except for a savings account we view as being for more medium- or long-term things (perhaps a trip to Europe next year, maybe for home expenses or a future parental leave period). We just opened that this year and each contribute to the same to that, I think 300/month for now. It’s actually entirely in my name so that we don’t have another account/login/tax form to worry about, I guess he just has to trust me on it.

          I’m not disciplined enough to play the credit card points game, because I sometimes fail to pay it off in full each month. I’ve become a convert to credit unions, so we have the credit union’s highest rate/highest points card. We each have our own credit cards, as well, I think he has a points one, and I have one with a very low interest rate and no rewards, because I cannot be trusted, ha. I don’t see why you couldn’t get a travel rewards card as your joint one. Do think about finding a new provider, though, because it apparently is impossible to create two log-ins at the same bank (i.e. to have a log in for your personal and a log in for your shared).

          We live together but are getting married in two days. We may make some adjustments going forward, but that’s it for now. I also fund the preschooler’s 529 (modestly at 250 a month) on my own, but especially if we have another kid, I think we’ll probably both fund both kids’ accounts going forward.

          3. Anon at 12:55, it’s through my local credit union. it’s 6%, so if I am a jerk and end up paying .5% of my balance for a month, it’s not the end of the world.

    7. My husband and I have joint finances but we don’t have a lot of insight into the other’s spending. Our paychecks are contributed to a joint checking and joint savings account. We then have separate credit cards that we use for all purchases (we each have a card that makes sense for us points wise). We pay our credit card bills out of the joint checking account. I don’t have access to his credit card statement and he doesn’t have access to mine.

      We don’t have a strict budget, so this has always worked for us. We follow the “pay yourself first” method of savings – so we contribute a fixed percentage to savings each month, move that into investments periodically, and each max out our 401Ks. We do a monthly financial check in to make sure our savings goals are on track and look at our aggregate spending the prior month and both try to be mindful of overall expenses.

      1. This is exactly our approach as well. I like it because we don’t have to worry about splitting bills and when we do things together like go out to dinner, it really doesn’t matter who picks up the check. Since we have separate credit cards statements, we still have some amount of “privacy” and there’s no issue in ruining a surprise gift, etc. We don’t have kids yet, but when we do, we will pay for childcare etc. out of the joint account. I do think this works without friction because we have similar mentalities for spending/saving and comfortably earn more than we spend.

  2. I feel misled in my new job regarding the health care options. I was sent a brochure when perusing the offer and it showed a variety of plans of all types, but after starting the job I’ve learned that the options in my state are limited to an HMO and an HDHP that are both very narrow in scope and a fortune out of pocket. I had been expecting to be able to use one of the PPOs, which is usually the best choice for my household with chronic conditions. Apparently many of the choices are only applicable to employees in the same state as the headquarters.

    Super frustrated. I would have definitely asked for a higher offer to make up for this cost, if I’d realized all the options weren’t truly available to me. My ongoing treatments are going to be a major expense now.

    1. I’m sorry this happened to you. Can you explain to your employer what you said here and ask for a raise to cover the costs? If not and if the costs are really significant (especially compared to salary), I would consider leaving for somewhere with better health plans for you. As you are already very aware, heathcare costs can eat into your net income quickly when they’re large or insurance doesn’t cover them.

      2. Yes, I’d bring it up to HR by Monday and explain what you said here. If they won’t do anything about it, I’d job search within 6 months.

      3. +1 you should definitely raise this immediately. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.

    2. HDHPs are designed to save you $$ despite the fact that you may have more out of pocket up front costs…not saying that is the case in your situation but have you done the math? Are you one of very few “out of state” employees? If this is a large Corp with employees in many states there should be an alternative.

      1. My old workplace had two options – a HDHP and a more traditional plan. If you had a chronic condition that needed to be managed, the traditional plan was going to be way better for you. HDHPs are designed to save the employer and the insurer money and pass those costs along to you (pre-tax, but still).

        1. +1

          I did the math a few years ago – note this took an inordinate amount of time on the phone with the rep – on the difference between:
          1. the sum of my premiums and co-pays under my PPO (paying all co-pays from FSA), vs
          2. what I would have paid out-of-pocket under a HDHP (paying all costs from my HSA) for the same period

          The answer – in a year in which I had moderate use of my plan, I came out saving a few hundred dollars under the PPO. Had I needed MORE care – such as a chronic condition that the OP describes – the PPO would have just gotten more and more cost-effective.

        2. Depends on the specific plans, whether your employer contributes to a HSA, and perhaps your tax burden.

          I had several years of significant health costs (conditions, surgeries, injuries, pregnancies) and my HDHP with a HSA saved me a ton of money.

      2. +1. Math for me was that, while the out of pocket is front loaded, my hdhp is cheaper than my old ppo option. This year was a very heavy usage year and I am coming out ahead financially with the hdhp. I max’d out my out of pocket in March and everything is $0 since. I realize that when you’re not in the headquarters state sometimes that makes the math different.

        1. My husband’s company offers a PPO and an HDHP and he comes out ahead with the high-deductible plan under every possible spending scenario, whether he has zero health care consumption or hits the out-of-pocket max. My employer’s high deductible plan does not save me money unless I use no health care. It really depends on the specifics of the your particular plan options.

      3. HDHPs are designed to help people with low annual usage and expenses to save money. People with chronic conditions, myself included, usually pay far more under HDHPs than they would under a traditional PPO, despite higher premiums up front.

        OP you have a legitimate grievance here and a minimum I’d ask your new employer to fund your annual out of pocket under the high deductible plan.

      4. …. HDHPs are great if you’re largely healthy and don’t have high cost/recurring costs/ frequent health things. They’re best described as catastrophic coverage.

        Signed, my meds cost 12k/yr and I have been hospitalized >1x every year for the past 10.

    3. Absolutely raise polite h311! “You told me before I accepted that these were my options. Now I find out that wasn’t true and the only options I have are worse and dramatically more expensive.”

    4. This is very common for companies that are spread through out the US. The HDHP should have lower payroll premium than the PPO, so you would be paying more for the PPO despite having lower out of pocket costs. You could also put that premium amount savings into the HSA plan. In addition, many companies contribute money to the HSA, and that helps offset the higher deductible.

      I would also strongly consider the HMO plan. The nature of HMO’s are very little out of pocket costs, so it should not be a “fortune out of pocket”. Yes, you have to stay in their network, but to me, the cost savings is worth it.

      I would be very surprised if the company gave you more money to make up for the cost.

        1. HMO’s unfortunately almost never work well for people with chronic or particularly specialized/complicated medical problems. In my state, none of the “good” academic hospitals participate in an HMO plan.

      2. Yes, obviously it depends on the details of the plan, but I’m currently in an HMO with very low out of pocket costs. The network is limited, but includes all the doctors I would go to anyway in my small city and several world class hospitals elsewhere in my state if I needed something major. The problem with all of this is that there are no generalizations, it really depends on how individual plans are structured in terms of what you pay before the deductible, copays, out of pocket max, networks, etc., plus your healthcare needs. I have a chronic illness that requires regular expensive treatments and had some weird things come up this year that required a lot of imaging,which luckily has no out of pocket cost in my HMO, so I save tons in this plan over a HDHP or a PPO from my employer, but YMMV.

    5. Assuming negotiations do not go well, I would consider this a bait and switch and think it’s time to job search and roast them on glassdoor. I’m sorry, OP, this is not ok.

  3. Any recommendations for Modcloth-style cute stuff, especially dresses/skirts, that isn’t polyester? I love their sense of humor and the silhouettes but the fabric is a no-go for me.

  4. Anyone have tips on becoming more of a morning person? I love getting up early, and I love feeling accomplished in the morning, but nine times out of ten when my alarm goes off I just cannot make myself get out of bed.

    1. Are you going to sleep early enough that you feel well rested in the morning?

      1. This – I have to go to bed early to get up early, like 930/10 at the latest, amd I get up around 530/545. Since I’m the “morning” person in our household, I take the dog out when I get up and that blast of fresh air really wakes me up. Plus coffee. Always coffee.

        1. I really need to sleep by 10. I’ve been sleeping by 12, and that does not work with a 6am wake up at all for me.

      2. Usually! Definitely not always, but I tend to be in bed around 10:15, and then read for 15-30 minutes and turn off the lights. I am trying to wake up around 6:30.

    2. Solo, I would not be a morning person. I went to afternoon kindergarten back when that was a thing, so it’s pretty hard-wired in. Now, really since high school, it’s not an option not to do heavy-thinking work in the morning. And I resent losing so much of the day if the morning isn’t super-productive. I give myself the grace of one snooze and some caffeine, but I’ve been doing it so long that it feels natural (now: dog to walk, kids to make sure get out the door with all their stuff for two different bus schedules (lord, when do they run this themselves? at some point, work travel will start up again). I am still a night owl (so my energy goes up over the day), so I do have to make myself wind down and go to bed.

    3. I always plan to work out in the morning, so I lay out my clothes before I go to bed to make that part easier. When my alarm goes off I play this game with myself, where all I have to do is put my feet on the floor. That’s it. Feet on floor. Not too bad. Then the next thing … all I have to do is stand up. And the next … all I have to do is get dressed and nothing more. If I don’t want to work out after that, fine, no problem. Just get dressed. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it helps. I also have coffee that I really, really love and look forward to every day so sometimes the promise of delicious coffee is what gets me out of bed too.

    5. “I just cannot make myself get out of bed.” Is this is a physical issue (still tired, can’t come awake) or is this a mental/emotional issue (don’t like making the transition from a warm, cozy bed to having to be awake and doing stuff). If it’s the first, go to bed earlier. If it’s the second, use the standard options to get yourself moving (alarm across the room so you have to get up to turn it off, coffee made and on a timer, lights automatically turning on, acquire an annoying pet or a demanding toddler, etc.)

    6. Aging. I was a night owl since literal birth (much to my nursing mother’s chagrin) and no lifestyle changes affected it, despite decades of effort. In my midforties, suddenly I find myself naturally waking up earlier.

      1. Yup. Also parenthood really did it for me. My kid was an early riser so that turned me into an early riser — alas, irrevocably.

    7. How do you currently wake up? I have a light on a timer go on in the other room and my alarm sound is set to birds chirping at 6:10… then at 6:45 rock music comes on if I’m still not up

    8. Honestly, for me, a coffee maker that I can program the night before so that when I go downstairs at 5:30/6am, there is already a full pot of hot coffee.

    9. Have you tried different wake up times? For whatever reason, it’s much easier for me to wake up at 5:30 than 6 or 6:30, even though it’s earlier. Maybe I’m at a different point in my sleep cycle or something? Seems backwards but try shifting a little earlier and see if that helps.

      Also if I have pre-paid for a morning exercise class or am meeting a friend for a walk that’s a big motivator and gets me moving.

  5. I don’t understand why we’re supposed to be all excited about pockets in dresses or pants. They’re rarely large enough to be useful, and for pants especially, on-seam pockets just add bulk or bulge out weirdly. Just because men walk around with bulging pockets because they refuse to carry a bag doesn’t mean we have to do that, too.

    I will allow that I wish women’s coats had more interior pockets, those are useful for stashing a metro card, and outer pockets are necessary for stashing gloves. But otherwise, I can take or leave pockets on most clothing.

    1. We aren’t excited over pockets that are too small to be useful, they can go away. But the ability to carry just a chapstick, or credit card or pack of tissues is nice, or (gasp!) to put your hands in your pockets! One can dream.

      1. +1, it’s very freeing to just walk out the door with phone, keys, and mask to shop. (Thanks, Apple Pay!)

        I share your disdain for pockets of useless depth – looking at you, pockets that only reach my knuckles!!

        1. I also love this feeling! I usually cant pull it off in my summer clothes, but fall – spring I frequently have enough pockets to avoid using a purse for errands. Just a phone, a credit card, chapstick, and a fob.

      2. +1. Never claimed to want more non-useful pockets. I buy clothes with pockets big enough for my wallet and phone

    2. Some of us work in fields where we’re not chained to a desk/office, we can’t carry a bag around and need easy access to essential items. If I had to run back to my office every time I needed my wallet, pen, notepad or myriad other things, I’d never get anything done.
      Good for you for not needing them, I guess.

    3. Same. I have a couple of dresses with pockets and I never use them. I have some leggings with pockets that I find that helpful to hold my phone and keys when I go for a walk around the neighborhood.

    4. Whenever I wear a dress with pockets and use them my stuff falls out of those pockets. Nice in theory but not in practice.

      1. +1
        My iPhone 12 with a case falls out of nearly all pockets. And my family wonders why I leave it all around the house and always have to ping it.

    5. I don’t necessarily use the pockets all day, but it’s useful if for example I’m buying two items at a coffee shop or bar, so I can stick my phone or payment card in my pocket and carry the things to my table, rather than trying to juggle and ending up with cake/ coffee/ wine on the floor

      1. I was cured of this approach when I was hit by a car on my walk to the coffee shop. I was taken to the nearby hospital but I had none of what I needed ID-wise, because I had just tucked a credit card into my pocket.

        2. Oh that’s terrifying! I mostly mean within the coffee shop or bar, I almost always take my wallet (which has my ID in it and fits in a pocket, I just use a little coin purse) when I go outside

        3. I have a little wallet sticker on the back of my case that holds a credit card and my ID, so as long as I bring my phone I will always have those on me.

    6. I purchased a pair of loft pants (I think crepe pintuck) a couple weeks ago based on a rec here and the pockets fit my phone. Elastic waist that isn’t grandma looking. Comfy and two pockets = all I’m wearing this fall. I purchased three more pairs (two black, one maroon, one olive in total). I have had many compliments. I hate the length but am well past the f it stage of life so I can deal with an ankle/crop that isn’t perfect for me. (Easily tailored but I don’t care enough)

      1. I recommended these, and love the pocket in them – my iPhone fits perfectly, as do keys, etc. On the length, you might try the petite or tall depending on what’s wrong. I’m short but petites rarely fit, yet in these a petite was perfect.

    7. PSA I have an iPhone case that has built in storage for credit cards, ID, cash and health insurance card. It also has a ring on it for my key to my apartment. When I go for a run I just bring my phone and it has everything I need.

    9. The only thing I find pockets useful for is a microphone pack. My pants are not big and baggy enough for their pockets are to hold a cell phone or a key ring with two car remotes, and pockets in dresses add bulk and distort the line of the dress.

  6. I was too late to comment yesterday afternoon to the post re cheating partner, but wanted to chime in that it does get better. And I know others have given updates here on how things have turned out, so here’s mine! With a huge thanks to you all.

    I had posted here last summer about my now ex husband claiming to have doubts about our marriage as part of an alleged internal anxiety crisis for 6+ months, until I learned that he had been having an affair for nearly a year. I went into a dark place for quite a while.

    I got through it by leaning hard on family and friends, and a lot of therapy. This board was super helpful, especially since I didn’t have any friends who had gone through a divorce. I leaned out at work, cut off all except essential contact with him, and got a divorce as quickly as possible.

    I’m very happy to say that, 15 months later, I am happier than I’ve been in years. I’ve lost the 20lbs I gained during the whole ordeal, am back to exercising regularly, recently started dating a genuinely nice guy, and am killing it at work. My friendships are stronger as a result of the whole thing, and I’m more in touch with who I am. And I have zero doubt that I am a million times better off without him – he became someone I don’t recognize and don’t want to associate with.

    All to say, to yesterday’s poster: it is going to suck for what feels like forever, but it really does get better!

    2. Missed the original post, but yay! I feel like 90% of the straight (or in to men) women I know who got divorced are so much happier on the other side.

    4. I am so glad to hear this update; I remember when you were going through all of that. I am glad you’ve come out the other side stronger!

      I got a message this week from one of my friends whose husband left her for another woman about 9 years ago that I found heartwarming, and thought I’d share. Friend’s husband had dumped her after 15 years of marriage and one child together to hook up with a former high school classmate he’d reconnected with on Facebook. My friend’s ex and this woman got engaged and then had a big splashy wedding, pictures all over social media. Last year, the new wife dumps my friend’s ex because surprise surprise, turns out someone who will cheat on their spouse is not that great of a person, and he was monkeying around with their business and household finances and had gotten into serious trouble with the IRS behind new wife’s back. She did the smart thing and put his a$$ out, no compunction or hesitation about it. Friend’s ex emails my friend last week with a bunch of mushy stuff about what would have been their 25th wedding anniversary this month and then writes, “I wonder if you would ever consider getting back together?” My friend laughed and laughed and laughed. Uh, no. You can die broke and lonely, thanks anyway. I know karma isn’t always this short-term but it’s pretty great when it does happen.

      1. I try not to veer in to misandry, but my god, the number of times I have heard that story. It does seem like there is a whole group of straight men who literally cannot live without women to manage their lives for them.

      2. I was the person who posted yesterday that my ex husband left me for another woman. I have several friends, and we have agreed that even if we are 90, we will get together and toast champagne if it ever comes out that his affair partner (they are now married) cheats on him.

        I must admit I’m jealous of your friend for this because I’ve been working in therapy on what happens if “karma” never comes back on them.

      3. Good for your friend for having the correct response (laughter) instead of taking him back! And it sounds like she didn’t have to deal with his IRS problems either!

    6. I’m still completely disgusted by your ex but so glad to hear you’ve risen above. That is admirable and you should be proud of yourself!!

    7. Hooray!! Congratulations, Daffodil!! So happy for you — thanks so much for the update!

    8. This is such a great update. I remember your original post and am just delighted for you now, and hope this gives our current ‘rette some cause for optimism.

  7. Need advice on how to handle a sticky firm politics issue, sorry for the novel. I’m a litigator and I’ve always enjoyed a particular practice area, we’ll call it X, that I’ve had some litigation matters in. No one else in my office does X, so the partners thought it would be great for cross marketing. As I’ve gotten more senior, I have too much litigation work and not much of X. My own marketing efforts in X haven’t panned out, so my only work in X is for other partners’ clients, not my own. I also don’t keep up with X like a specialist would, so I have to direct a lot of the work to other offices anyway. Now that I’m a partner, I’ve been considering cutting X altogether – I’m billing well over 2000 hours and it’s just too much with client dev and associate training.

    My step father (who raised me) recently passed away and I took a little over a week to attend the funeral and help my mom. The day before I left, a partner from another office, Adam, left a vague message for me. He has a few clients in X. I called and emailed him – couldn’t reach him – but I let him know I was about to be unavailable for a while due to a death in the family but Bill and Sue have done great work for his clients so he should call them in my absence. The following week, while I was still away, Adam’s client emailed him and me with a new, urgent matter in X. My OOT was on so I didn’t think anything of it.

    Apparently, Adam called the head of my office, Chris, and claimed I was being unresponsive and he had no idea where I was or why I wasn’t responding. Adam did not try to contact me that day at all, so I don’t think it was a good faith misremembering that I was away, I think he was just mad he had to manage his own client. Adam also contacted the head of the department for X, who ended up handling the new matter. I returned to the office this morning and Chris talked to me about the importance of being responsive, especially while wfh. I let him know I had told Adam about my absence before I left, and I wasn’t wfh I was burying a parent. Chris said it was nbd. I asked if I should talk to Adam and Chris said no, don’t make it a bigger deal than it is.

    I don’t want to just let this go. Even if I were an associate this would not be ok, but I really don’t appreciate this nonsense as a partner. It’s ridiculous to make up lies about your law partner to tattle on them and damage their reputation with a more senior partner. The fact that I was burying a parent at the time makes this beyond the pale. I think my relationship with Chris is as OK as it can be, but I’m concerned about what Adam said to the head of the department for X. I also don’t want to work with Adam anymore, but I don’t want to burn a bridge. I’m thinking of calling the department head to talk about transitioning me out of any work in X. Any advice on what I should say or what else I can do? Fantasy scripts to tell off Adam are also welcome!

    1. I don’t have great advice on whether or not to say something, but I do think you need to take this posting and draft a note to your file about it. No question. Dated, etc.

    2. Not in your line of work, but it sounds to me like Adam is in the wrong here. He did not receive confirmation that you would take over the work. You actually said you could not cover, and he did not respond to your call (voicemail I assume?) or email. So this is not a lack of responsiveness on your part.

      “Hi Adam, I just buried my dad. Please see email I sent you explaining I was not available to cover work. I also left you a voicemail explaining my bereavement leave.” *attach email. Cc grand boss*

    3. When you asked Chris if you could/should talk to Adam and got “no” for a response, you cut off a lot of your options. Especially if Chris thought you were being unresponsive, that’s a problem. I’ve learned the hard way that my ability to control the narrative is important, so I find it’s best to talk to the head of the snake, so to speak.

      I think the above poster’s email cc is what I would do and I’d almost want to do it now, even if Chris said no. There are just too many people that might have a bad opinion of you from this. (Although, as a partner, it may not have too much of an impact, so that’s your calculus.) Creating a “reply all” to your email where you told Adam that you would be out with one or two lines saying that you had pre-arranged to be out and you were surprised it became an issue since Adam knew you were gone and unavailable. And you could copy anyone who might have gotten the wrong idea.

      And if you don’t want to do more X and your team agrees, you don’t need to circle back with the head of X in the email to Adam but I would drop it into a phone conversation like “Head X, thanks for taking care of client Q when I was out of town for my father’s funeral. I informed Adam ahead of time that I wouldn’t be able to help but it’s good that you were available.”

  8. I am looking to host a dinner for about 15 people in Austin, TX. Can anyone recommend a place that has a great patio/outdoor dining? Bonus points if it has a Mexican or Tex-Mex bent. Thanks!

    1. The Iron Cactus’ rooftop patio downtown, Manuel’s at the arboretum, or Z’Tejas are all nice options.

    2. El Alma has a rooftop patio that is gorgeous and looks out over downtown. But it is not downtown itself, which is great for traffic and parking. And the food is excellent.

    3. Comedor downtown has a wonderful outside space, and the food is innovative and delicious.

    1. I just go check them out. Never know what you’ll find. My favorite ones by far are in working class parts of town.

      1. Yep, just go, and go often if you can. Also, try to find out when your store puts out new stuff so everything isn’t picked over by the time you get there.

      1. Same. I’m looking for fancy things that people are tired of but are lightly worn. Especially with maternity clothes — I didn’t want a shirt saying “baby on board,” which I could afford to buy if I wanted, but a maternity coat or things that would work in an office.

      2. I used to hit up Andover and Wellesley for their second hand stores and had an amazing wardrobe.

    3. Depends on what you’re after. Work clothes? Head to the thrift store nearest to where the lawyers/lobbyists live. Casual clothes? Head to the one nearest the rich SAHMs. Vintage or club look? Head to where well-off young people gather – university or bar/shopping district.

      Go when you’re in the mood to rummage and train your eye to spot quality fabric from a distance. Once you spot something in a quality fabric, then you can work out if it’s your style, in good shape, etc. It takes practice and I have to be in the mood to do it, but it’s been a while since I’ve needed to buy anything new beyond socks and underwear.

    4. You just have to spend time going to them, unfortunately. Like anon at 10:34, I always targeted thrift stores in more upscale areas, since that’s where the types of brands/clothing I was looking for would be more likely to get donated. And you’re not working with one brand (or even one season/time period), so you really do have to try stuff on in a way that you might not at a standard retailer.

      I don’t actually thrift that much now, but do a lot of shopping at more upscale consignment shops. They’re easier to wade through since all of the merchandise is screened. These days some of them do have decent social media/websites, but that’s not always the case, so you have to go in person to get a feel for it.

    5. I checked them all out myself and found the good ones now I just go to the good ones. For me the ‘good’ clothes one is in the burbs where new money is, but the ‘good’ one for housewares is in the old part of town where wealthy old folks live.

      1. +1 to good being different for different items. In Seattle, the Capitol Hill Goodwill is where it’s AT for cheap kitchen items and storage for small apartments (go figure, it’s the young people neighborhood). The Ballard Goodwill is great for bikes and flower pots (it’s in a more neighborhood-y area). I have yet to find a place I really like for clothes for me.

    6. Online reviews and trial and error. Although, if you look at your city’s wealthier neighborhoods, thrift stores near them are likely to have better stuff just because most people are lazy and will take things to the closest donation center to their house (no shade, that’s exactly what I do too). We go to one thrift store that’s run by an animal-welfare organization that’s located very close to a ritzy suburb of our city and it is usually a gold mine – all the rich ladies who “refresh” their wardrobes seasonally and redecorate their entire house every couple of years direct their donations to that store, and we’ve gotten great art, artisan ceramics, clothes, etc. there. Cause-related thrift stores are sometimes better than Savers and Goodwill because they’re not inundated with as much junk as the larger places – they tend to get donations from supporters of the cause, vs. just anyone who drives by a drop box.

      Other than that, every store is different and I’ve been in some that should have been great based on size and geographic area but weren’t, and others that didn’t seem like they’d be great but are. It also depends on what you’re looking for – I have a couple of stores I go to for clothes, but different ones I go to when I’m looking for art or housewares; in my experience it’s rare to find a store where all categories are equally good. Try looking up a few on a map that are proximal to each other and do a cruise-through to see if they’re worth revisiting at a later date when you’re looking for something specific.

    7. Thrift shopping takes patience. You have to go often and be ok with only finding something great 20% of the time. And don’t buy things you don’t love! That is how you end up with a closet-full of thrifted ‘deals’ that you don’t wear.

    8. Our GW has a GW boutique with their better things. Something like that? Junior League used to be the place to go but b/w more women working and real estate getting expensive to lease for something like this, my city’s closed and my prior city’s was an annual pop up that was a PITA to pull off.

      1. Our best one is the Assistance League. Fun fact: I plan to join the Assistance League when I retire and work in the shop!

    9. Get yourself a coffee/smoothie and check out all the shops in a certain radius on Saturday morning. “Good” thrift stores have merchandise in good condition, and were donated by people with similar styles as you. After you identify one or two, just go to those in the future.

      There is a thrift store about 25 minutes from my house that I visit about twice a year. It has a lot of banana republic to Micheal Kors level merchandise. That is how I get most of my clothes. There is a kids-focused thrift store about 10 minutes where I buy most of my kids clothes. There is a thrift store about 5 minutes from me that skews rich older lady, so it is my source for things like accessories and classic items I can wear forever.

    10. Not a thrift shop, but a source for great clothing: the auxiliaries for a few hospitals in my area have giant, annual or semi-annual “nearly new” sales. I have found the quality to be fabulous and the selection much larger than that of any thrift shop. These do not offer the spontaneity of thrift store shopping, but can be a great place to shop.

  10. Recommendations for the best brands of pillar candles that don’t have a jar or tin that has to be disposed of when the candle is done? Thanks in advance.

    1. Scented or unscented? I always load up on unscented pillar candles at Ikea when I’m there — no jar or tin.

  11. Oh, man, I finally read up on the Loudon County girl who was assaulted (by someone who has a history of this, quietly shuffled between schools with parents and girls none the wiser). That is bad. What is really, really bad, is how classist the complaints about the girls’ dad are: he is a plumber in an area with a blend of fancy horsey people and rich tech commuters. His being angry that how school swept this under the run is absolutely appropriate here IMO. If it were my daughter, I don’t know how I’d do: become completely long-term unhinged is highly likely. As a parent with kids in schools regularly subject to lockdowns (and worse for some kids), I am reminded that the buck stops with me and that others act in ways consistent with their or their org’s self-interest vs what is right by victims.

      1. I did not know that. I’m not sure why. DC schools are a mess and have been for so long that people move to places like Loudon usually For the Schools (when they can’t afford Arlington / Fairfax / Montgomery County house prices). Like I’m thinking they don’t have the sky-high poverty rates of some places that presents schooling challenges and don’t have huge #s of English language learners. I remember that Falls Church City people were always going on and one about how great there schools were but I always thought it was that there were no poor people there and that any English language learners were likely highly educated in their home countries (or their parents were).

    3. Thanks for calling this article to my attention. It’s really sad how the media is spinning this into a left v. right transgender issue, and this news was not covered by NYT or any of the major liberal news outlets. The father in question said his family supports the LGBT community, but the fact remains that his daughter was raped by a transgendered boy. A rapist should not get a free-pass for gender fluidity. The school board and other parents’ attempt to protect the rapist by portraying the father as a crazy anti-LGBT conservative is vile.

      1. It’s being covered in the Washington Post as of today, but the article there omits nearly all key details. There’s a real lack of integrity in certain segments of journalism these days. Girls and women pay the price for those obfuscations and omissions.

      2. Yeah, it’s wild. I’m not sure what schools should do with teens (regardless of gender) who are wearing ankle bracelets for sexual assault. Seems like they should be isolated or in a special school…

        1. I’m not a fan of asking minors to do things I wouldn’t willingly do myself. This definitely falls within that category for me.

          1. I’m not sure I follow, which thing wouldn’t you do yourself? I share bathrooms with folks of different genders happily, but, especially as a kid, I feel like no one should have to share with a convicted sexual offender?

          2. Sorry, I definitely meant spending all day every day on an equal basis with somebody who assaults people; I would nope right out of that situation personally! Agreed about bathrooms.

    4. I grew up in a place that was kind of like Loudon County – a conservative rural area that became an exurb for a bigger city. The school administrators were incredibly self-protective and also favored anyone connected to the “city fathers” over kids from more working-class backgrounds or “newcomers” to the area. They were particularly terrible about any kind of s*xual assault – a friend was attacked and since it was after the last bell had rung, the principal offered her a quarter to go across the street and call the cops.

      My spouse (bless him) grew up in a far more egalitarian place and while he thinks I’m being paranoid, I’ve tried to impress upon my kids that 1) if they are questioned by the police at school, they are not to say a WORD until their parent arrives and 2) any non-trivial interactions with administrators need to be handled with parent help and support.

      1. We always joke that the first lullaby I sang to my son was “hush, little baby, don’t say a word… especially not to the cops!”

  12. If there’s anyone here for whom Zoloft and Wellbutrin didn’t work, could you tell me what did work for you?

    (I’ll see about getting my doctor to prescribe that test that can alleviate some of the guessing.)

      1. Viibryd here, also not generic. Had to pull teeth to get it approved otherwise it would have been $300/month.

    4. For me the underlying issue wasn’t really anxiety/depression but a set of medical conditions I simply hadn’t been diagnosed with yet, and the meds not working well was a clue.

  13. Three days after signing a contract to purchase a house, we realized we had made a big mistake. We advised our realtor that we do not want to proceed. We have not put down the $10k initial deposit; right now we have not put down any money. We have a liquidated damages clause that limits the seller to retain only those sums paid by us. Realtor wants us to pay the 10k deposit and do the inspection this weekend, then terminate based on the inspection. We have a clause that we would waive 5k of inspection issues though. So basically she wants us to “follow the contract.” In our view this opens us up to more liability (10k, plus what if only minor issues are revealed during the inspection?) and makes us feel more icky for stringing the seller along several more days and then backing out based upon a made-up inspection issue. Technically the seller could sue us for 10k but I think that’s unlikely in this market. We know they had at least one other offer. WWYD?

    1. What you’re proposing sounds like a real d!ck move, but $10k is a lot of money so I guess I’d probably be doing the same if something drastic happened.

      1. What we are proposing is simply telling the sellers today that we are not going through with the contract. We have not paid the earnest money. Our realtor is proposing the sham inspection.

        1. “Not going through with the contract” is a bfd, that’s, like, why we have contracts.

    2. They can likely sue you for 10K plus the difference in price if they can only resell for a lower offer.

      1. This, but the 3d day is often the end of the rescission period, so you need to act fast.

    4. I would speak to a real estate lawyer in my jurisdiction instead of asking the ladies of the internet.

    5. I’d probably read my contract and look to see if my state had a statute providing a cooling off period for transactions like this and figure out what’s best. If I didn’t feel well-equipped to do this work, I’d see if I could get a brief consult with a real restate lawyer ASAP. I wouldn’t take legal advice from a real estate agent.

    6. Did you really make a big mistake or do you just have cold feet. Agree on the dick move. You say you made a mistake. Why should that mistake cost the seller? They turned down other offers to accept hours. This is not “nothing” to them. That’s why there’s a process for keeping your earnest money when you’ve wasted their time and energy.

      1. Co-sign. Someone got cold feet when they signed a contract to buy my house and then Lehman happened. I had the cost of carrying that house for about a year later when the market tanked and I later sold it for significantly less (being both parts grateful and mad as hell to be in that position). I was lucky not to lose it and wreck my credit forever. A house coming back after going under contract spooks other buyers no matter the market because people will assume the worse about the house / seller, not that the buyer is a d*ck.

          1. Yes. There are humans on the other end of this deal that will be impacted. Yes it impacts them.

          2. Anon at 12:14, we are trying to mitigate the impact to them by telling them now that we want to terminate. The “correct” thing to do according to our realtor is to terminate next week after the inspection. I guess I just don’t know why we are horrible people this week, but next week it would be totally fine.

          4. Oh FFS. Backing out of a real estate deal, especially in a hot market, does not make you a horrible person.

      2. Right, it’s been three days. My question is what would you do when you realize in those 3 days that it was a mistake? We think we should tell the sellers now and run the risk of them suing us for 10k. Realtor says we should not tell them, and make up a reason post-inspection and then get the 10k back. That to us seems worse!

        1. Are you in a seller’s market or a buyer’s market, btw? And how big an area? Bc the other potential issue you have is buyer’s agent telling people what you did. If you’re having to compete for houses, that could actually hurt you. When I sold my place earlier this year, my agent somehow knew the entire history of my buyer’s search – what offers she’d placed, why a sale fell apart, etc. I have to assume that was from her agent. And I’m not in a small city (Atlanta). (I did sell to her but we showed the listing up until her earnest money hit the escrow account, even though we had a signed contract, and if I’d had another offer I probably wouldn’t have sold to her as she turned out to be a PITA.)

          I get that you’re walking away regardless but you may want to mentally prepare for the possibility that you will have to pay some portion of the deposit you were supposed to put down in order to smooth the exit and prevent ramifications.

        2. Yes, do your thing, but you’re acting like it’s not a big deal and it is a big deal and either way, you could be out a lot of money.

    7. Consult an attorney who would have closed the deal for you to see if there are other outs. Is the contract memorialized with only a signature and not also a signature + deposit? Also, your realtor may want to try to save face in the market and not have it look like her clients can’t deliver, tbh. Where are you located? If you don’t already have a closing attorney lined up I can recommend someone in Greater Boston very quickly. I’m sure others can do the same.

    8. Did you use some non-standard contract? Contracts for residential real estate usually allow buyers to walk post-inspection for any reason. Why would the $5k have anything to do with that? I assume the $5k only applies if you move forward with the purchase and want things off the inspection report fixed. Why would you waive anything if you walk post-inspection? You need to read your contract in full and base your decisions on what it says.

      1. Ignore me. I read too fast. I think you’re being a huge jerk by walking now, but if you don’t want to lose the $10k I suppose that’s what you do.

        1. Some states have a right of rescission; ours does not. We don’t feel great about walking away but it’s absolutely the right choice for us. I guess I just don’t think we are being huge jerks for walking away after 3 days. It’s not like it’s the day before closing. Why would terminating after the inspection be better than terminating now?

          1. Because in most standard contracts that’s when buyers have a contractual right to walk away. But your contract doesn’t sound like any of the standard ones I have worked with so obviously YMMV

          3. The huge jerk part was making an accepted offer on a property you didn’t really intend to buy. You should stop this process until you figure out what you want.

    9. Were you supposed to have paid the deposit already and you just haven’t yet? Or you’re not yet obligated to pay it? If the former, then it’s possible that your liquidated damages actually does include the $10k depending on how the clause is worded. If I were your seller, I would probably consider suing you over it, but I am a lawyer and the prospect of going after someone (or at least filing suit) isn’t super intimidating to me. It’ll depend on whether they’re able to go back to their other offerors and how hot the market is in your area.

      How much do you like your realtor? This may also affect your relationship with her, because she may feel that it hurts her reputation in the real estate community to have a seller breach the contract. Depends on how tight the real estate community is in your area, and again, the market. I’ve had realtors who wouldn’t care and I’ve had realtors that probably would have dropped me over it (the latter when I was buying in a niche historical neighborhood served by only a small group of agents).

      1. We were obligated to pay it and have not yet. We are in a very seller-friendly real estate market. It just seems more wrong to us to go through with an inspection when we know we are going to terminate, as opposed to asking them now if they’ll terminate.

        1. So I think at this point you just kind of have to accept that they may sue you and open the conversation with them. They’re better off if you terminate now because their agent can’t reopen the listing until you’ve formally terminated, but they may still go after you for the money or ask you to pay something if not the full amount.

        2. You’re dreaming if you think you can get out of this without paying. Your realtor is right. Talk to a lawyer before you get sued

    10. Do what is right for you. It has been 3 days. Don’t worry about these ladies calling you a d!ck. You don’t owe strangers more care than you owe yourself. I had to do something similar when my husband and I were very green in our 20s and trying to buy our first condo. We had a mortgage preapproval letter, but when we went to act on it, the broker revealed additional costs and the math on the condo changed. We backed out pre-inspection, and were prepared to surrender the earnest money as the lesser of two financial hits. The seller’s agent had a previous bad experience with the mortgage broker doing something to her client, so she kinda vouched for us, the seller sold to someone else, and didn’t keep the earnest money. Everyone was very understanding, surprisingly. This stuff is very state-specific, so be careful what advice you get.

      1. We know we made a huge mistake and we feel badly about it. I just don’t see why it’s super terrible for us to back out now, but it’s totally fine for us to back out next week. In any event the seller wouldn’t get 10k- either we terminate now or we terminate next week. We thought it would be best to tell them ASAP but our realtor advises against that.

        1. I would not be sure about them not getting 10K if you were supposed to have paid it already and haven’t yet. I think that probably depends on the wording of your contract, and you may want to talk to a lawyer about that.

          It’s all going to depend on what their situation is (financially, in terms of their own housing search, how long the house has been listed, whether they can go back to the other buyers, etc.). This could be painless or it could be messy.

          I do disagree in principle with the concept that you never owe strangers more than you owe yourself – I think that actually you are obligated to consider the harm you impose on others differently than the harm you impose on yourself, since the latter is your choice – but I think that’s neither here nor there in this case because you’re walking away regardless.

          1. You’re right- they could sue us for the 10k. It just seems like we would be more decent to tell them ASAP so they could look at their other offers, as opposed to next week when we have the right to terminate for any reason post-inspection. That strings them along more but is somehow acceptable. But I guess that’s the way it goes.

        2. Feeling really bad about it isn’t going to mean jack to the sellers you’re screwing over.

      2. We know we made a huge mistake and we feel badly about it. I just don’t see why it’s super terrible for us to back out now, but it’s totally fine for us to back out next week. In any event the seller wouldn’t get 10k- either we terminate now or we terminate next week after the inspection. We thought it would be best to tell them ASAP but our realtor advises against that.

        1. Because if you try to be nice and tell them, legally you’re on the hook for $10k. It’s smarter to exit via the inspection.

          1. I agree. I know legally it protects us more so we will go that route. It just feels ickier.

        2. Neither is fine actually, but if your contract allows you to walk away for inspection reasons and that’s the only contractual out that you have, then that’s the path you need to take to protect yourself. And you likely have to fork out the inspection fee. I was a seller on a similar situation and just know that it’s actually quite devastating for the sellers, and will likely make the house harder to sell because people will assume hidden issues.

          1. Right. I’m still trying to figure out why OP is saying backing out next week after inspection is okay. It is not in these circumstances where the inspection excuse is a front.

        3. Does it really feel ickier, or would you just rather have it all done with sooner? Because not following the contract (which you are proposing) is ickier.

          Also, how did you make such a big mistake that you realized it less than 3 days later?

        4. You need to pay the 10K. That’s why there is earnest money. You can’t break a contract and get out of it for free.

    11. As a seller I would appreciate someone backing out before the inspection, not after. It’s (a) faster, (b) less hassle, and (c) something you can point to for other buyers, that it was a buyer side thing and not a problem in the inspection process, which is what it will look like to other buyers if you back out later. Plus, if there’s another buyer dangling, the sellers can regroup to them before the buyer looks elsewhere.

      Legally you might be more on the hook if you do it now (since you say there’s no recission period), but in most cases, the sooner the better.

      1. Agree 100%. I’d also think about offering them a couple thousand for their trouble and for a release of liability. (Definitely consult a lawyer but I think your instincts are right.)

        2. LOL at basically all of these responses except for these two. Clearly some never-buyers of homes in hot seller markets responding. This stuff happens ALL THE TIME. Back out sooner so the sellers can go to the next offer STAT. If you do the inspection and tell them you’re backing out due to some specified > $5k issue, then they have to disclose to their next buyer the issue that you disclosed to them. It’s a giant headache. Also, brokers aren’t in the market of keeping earnest money deposits. If the selling broker is a reasonable person and there are multiple competitive offers, they’ll just move on to the next and dodge the whole inspection – much, much easier story to tell to the potential buyer pool. Plus, you do it sooner and you don’t risk losing some of your bidders who may have moved on by next week.

          You are not a bad person. These are contracts. Your downside is you are liable for $10k. I think the odds of you paying it are extremely slim. Any good inspector will find more than $5k of issues in a heartbeat in a home – even brand new ones – so your out is pretty wide open. You leverage that to get out of the contract or you tell them you’ll inspect, disclose and probably still walk away. This is a business transaction. Make the best decision for you and your investment. Know your downside (out $10k), hope for your upside (you get out free of charge) and be ok with something in the middle (maybe you split the difference at $5k). You made a decision that you didn’t and they may be a cost associated with it. You are neither good nor bad.

          Good luck.

      2. That’s what we thought. We will just do whatever the realtor advises.
        I had no idea were would be considered such terrible people for this. I guess I thought it’s relatively common for deals to fall through. Apparently we’ve done untold damage in the past 3 days. It’s for sure a sellers market and a very hot one at that. Part of the reason we realized this was not right for us was because we had to rush through the offer process and then when we had time to think about it, we realized our mistake. Lesson learned for sure.

        1. The normal time people walk is after the inspection! That’s when it’s an accepted part of the deal “falling apart.” I walked after an inspection turned up a bunch of stuff I didn’t even want to deal with discussing with the seller. It was fine and I got my EMD back.

    12. Going through an inspection and backing out on a sham “because of things found” could cause the sellers more issues than backing out now.

      1. And to follow up, that’s the negotiating point your agent should use so you keep your 10k.

    13. You seem incredibly selfish and unwilling to take personal responsibility for your own mistake.

        1. Good grief we made a mistake. I guess you’ve never made a mistake before. We’ve owned our current home for five years so I think we are mature enough to be homeowners but thanks.

        1. I’m kind of with you. You don’t want to buy the house, so break the contract. The penalty is $10k. Your realtor might be able to talk it down, but be prepared to pay $10k.

          Honestly, if I were the seller and you walked away over non-grounded outlets or something ridiculous, I might still try to pursue the full 10k if there’s an angle in the contract that allows it.

        2. No kidding. Also? OP talk to your agent about your market not the internet. Where I am, no one keeps earnest money and people would much rather have you back out before inspections for the reasons noted above.

        3. I mean, she wants to totally break a contract with no penalty to herself and she doesn’t think it’s a big deal. That’s not what nice people do.

          1. It’s a contract. “Nice people” has nothing to do with it. Plentyyyy of contracts get renegotiated/modified even after executed for what it’s worth. Not saying she should expect to get out without paying $10k, but my god, try!

          2. Right? I thought this was a board with mostly lawyers! “Nice people,” indeed!

    14. Look, I’m not of the view that breach of contract is immoral – particularly an arms-length real-estate deal, where you don’t typically have expectations that haven’t been included in the contract itself. And we don’t generally treat breach of this type of contract as a moral wrong in the law. In fact, your contract actually contains a mechanism for you to exit – there’s just a cost to doing that. I think what’s getting people’s back up is that you are trying to get out and you you’re also trying not to pay. The contract preserved optionality for you in exchange for a deposit, but you want the optionality without the price. If you wanted that you should have signed a different contract.

      You asked what I would do: I would approach the sellers ASAP, tell them you want to terminate, and offer them $5K. I’d also set aside $10K for the remainder of the deposit plus potential court costs if they sue you, and hold onto that until they’ve signed a termination agreement including a release of claims. Then I would take some time to figure out how you got into this position and make sure your head’s in the right place so you don’t make a similar mistake again.

        1. I would tell ASAP. Let the sellers try to negotiate for $$. Remind them you could have done it after the inspection anyone. They will have to put the money into filing suit and oftentimes people do not. This gives them the chance to put it back on the market before the weekend with an explanation.

    15. Read the contract and see a lawyer. Do not rely upon your real estate agent for advice. Do you have a ratified contract? In my jurisdiction, the contract is not fully ratified until the earnest money deposit has been paid.

  14. Does anyone have a car dashcam? I’m lucky and haven’t ever been in a car accident, so I don’t think I need one. That said, it seems like everyone is getting one. Thoughts?

    1. It never dawned on me to get one. I guess I feel like everyone has doorbell cameras (my car parks on the street, so it’s likely to be hit while still; husband’s car has been hit 3x). Are accident causes so murky that this would be helpful? Plaintiff’s PI attorneys, what say you? IMO driving and texting won’t be easily caught and that might be what happens to me in city driving.

    2. DH and I were just talking this weekend about getting one after we got seriously cut off by a motorcycle on the highway. He pointed out the presumption that the person rear-ending another person is at fault meant that I may have even held liable if it had let to an accident. We drive only rarely so we probably won’t get one but I’d seriously consider if we commuted regularly, etc.

      1. Ha! You’re so right about presumption in rear-ending/back end damage. Funny anecdote: my dad was at a stop light, second car in line. First car overshot the stop line as they were coming to a stop at the red light and reversed a few feet. When the light turned green that lead car was still in reverse and GUNNED it, slamming in to my dad. No witnesses except for my mom in the passenger seat. No cameras. It looked like he rear ended her in a bad way and she told insurance the same. It got sorted out but not without major headache.

      2. I don’t commute regularly, but I live in a semi-rural area and they are big around here due to wildlife. Video is really helpful to prove that an animal jumped in front of you. I’ve seen cases where the driver is frantically covering the wrecked vehicle with a tarp, in hopes the adjuster gets there before rain washes away all the fur to prove his case.

    3. $50 for a video of a car crash you didn’t cause is worth it, IMO. After I was T-boned (driving the speed limit, straight up a road on a cloudy day, while she was trying to turn left through four lanes of traffic… pulling out of an auto body shop with a car that didn’t have a bumper — and that wasn’t even the car she was inquiring about!) , insurance took forever trying to contact the witness (who wanted to be contacted!) in my favor. It was so frustrating for me and I bought a dashcam right after.

      Buy the cam.

    4. Yes, I got one, but still haven’t installed. Must do soon!

      I do think they are a great idea. All of us will be in a car accident eventually, most of us in multiple accidents. I’ve been in at least 4? and none of them were my fault, and for years I have been meaning to get the camera and just have been lazy.

  15. Paging the poster who caught a guy creeping around her house on camera . . . how are you doing? I am hoping you have been having a peaceful time and that the scare didn’t turn out to be anything.

    1. Hi, OP here. We have done every security thing we can think of. It was really traumatic for my husband because of a variety of issues, but he’s starting to feel better/safer. The guy has not come back, fortunately. Thank you for checking on me!

  16. Ugh — I tried to do the thing (pull trigger on long-wished for Sue Sartor dress) and it is . . . SOLD OUT. If you have a thing that you need to do, this is a sign: do the thing!

      1. For me, my clothes need to be a size up from my closet. This has been true for about 2 years now, starting right before lockdown. “Doing the thing” would be buying a new suit and a church-to-fancy thing dress in my current size (have bought a couple of cheap casual pieces to get by when athleisure won’t do). Then I look that the $$ pieces in my closet and get sad and my innate cheapness kicks in and I hope that I won’t run out of time before I need something to wear . . . I just need to do the thing. Accept my current size, dust off the wallet, but it is not easy. One week I was 2 pounds lighter and it was like yes, this is happening, but it didn’t. Yet.

        1. +1, my go-to black sheath dress was already a little shabby before covid and now it’s shabby and tight. I don’t want to have to sprint to Macy’s the night before a funeral and wind up with something that only kind of works.

      4. I know. For me it’s something I dread like going to my doctor for a physical that involves getting weighed and hearing comments on said weight. Eek.

      1. Referencing the convo above, I now long to know which thrift store gets your rejects :)

          1. And PS – follow her on Instagram, there’s often great sales but they are fast amd not advertised on the website. Codes are usually in stories.

  17. When you post reviews, please remember those of us who wear small sizes. There have been a # of times where I’ve loved an item you’ve posted, but it doesn’t come in XS, and I’m bummed. I wear a 2 (but still have a tummy). Just as you suggest plus-sized alternatives, can you please also suggest small alternatives. Thanks.

    Also, I’ve noticed more and more than vanity sizing has meant that it’s impossible to order online from some major brands.

  18. When you post reviews, please remember those of us who wear small sizes. There have been a # of times where I’ve loved an item you’ve posted, but it doesn’t come in XS, and I’m bummed. I wear a 2 (but still have a tummy). Just as you suggest plus-sized alternatives, can you please also suggest small alternatives. Thanks.

    Also, I’ve noticed more and more than vanity sizing has meant that it’s impossible to order online from some major brands.

    1. I’m small and am completely sized out of the major brands like Loft and J Crew thanks to their vanity sizing. Their 0s are more like 4s

    2. I notice this too. and it’s weird because I don’t think of myself as all that small. Like, i am a small person (I’m like 5′ 2″, a size 0/2 and I don’t have a tummy) but that doesn’t seem small enough to not reliably find clothes in my size. or more accurately, XS and whatever the smallest size is are often too big.

    3. You can get stuff taken in. This is like when I, a super short person, lament that pants are always too long for me. I just have to get them taken up. A plus sized person, just like a tall person, can’t invent fabric that doesn’t exist.

      1. No, you cannot get something that is several sizes too big taken in. Alterations are to fix something that isn’t shaped quite right but is mostly the right size.

      2. Not true, on either count. I have extremely short legs, and many styles aren’t feasible for me, because cutting a bunch off without restructuring the shape makes the leg crazy. If the bottom is tapered to fit the ankle, hacking a bunch off gives you an insanely-large opening, and if the bottom is flared and you cut most of it off, you end up with a dippy turned-out edge at the bottom. I mostly buy straight-leg pants because that is the only shape that is consistent throughout the length of the leg.

    4. I’ve been vanity sized out of a lot of things too and I’m not a small human. I’ve just stayed the same size for the past 15 years while brands kept expanding and extending. I was a 4/6 but not anymore.

    5. Yes, “size inclusivity” isn’t truly inclusive. I have also noticed that small sizes, when they exist, no longer have correct proportions. A size 2 is not just a scaled-down 16. Furthermore, even when correctly sized, the styles that were designed to look good on a size 16 just do not work on a size 2.

        1. I don’t know if you’ve noticed that she has stopped posting plus size alternatives most of the time.

          No need to slam plus people who constitute about half of the market.

          3. I’ve noticed the opposite when the featured item is plus-sized there is no regular-sized option.

  19. Does anyone have a recommendation for a reputable botox provider in Denver (or surrounding areas)? TIA

    1. That’s a lovely top and it claims to be “tailor friendly.” The gathering at the front might lend itself to that.

  21. I really need to tell someone and I have no one to tell! My husband and I gardened this morning for the first time in forever. He’s been in a horrible depression for over a year. The last few months have been traumatic with a death in the family, family drama, our dog almost dying. I’ve been feeling so disconnected and neglected and honestly occasionally thinking about divorce. But he’s my best friend and my love. I don’t want a divorce, I just want my partner back.

    He made a major mental health treatment change recently… and I think it’s working. I was so close to not being able to take it anymore. This is a huge relief even if it’s temporary. Just to feel loved again. I’m so happy today. Thanks for letting me share!

    2. I am so happy for you. I can imagine what an effect this would have on me, if I was in your position.

      Wishing you and your husband the best.

    3. I love these good news posts!

      My husband has depression and when he is feeling better is like having a new boyfriend.

  22. I have teenager who would like to get highlights or balayage in her hair. The problem is that we have dark brown/black East Asian hair and I think she will need to bleach it and then color it to have the color show up. A friend tells me that her daughter’s balayage at the local salon takes 4-6 hrs and costs $300(!). Does anyone have any other suggestions? I never colored my hair (it’s always been too thin and brittle – my daughter got thick hair from her dad’s side). I just think that Asian hair cannot be lightened using do-it-at-hair dye, but I also want it to be done right so I don’t have to take (more) time to get it corrected or re-dyed later.

    1. Hair grows back and can be cut in case of a bad dye job. I have her pay for all or a significant portion of it (but if she hates and needs haircut to get rid of it, I’d pay for the haircut).

    3. I’m EA and get my hair colored. unfortunately my feelings are that if you want it to look really good (unless you are very good at at home hair color including bleach), you’ll need to go to the salon, and yes it does take like 3-4 hours to bleach it to be light enough that color and/or toner will get it to the color you want. I had blue hair for awhile and it was usually a 4 hour bleach process, where I’d ask them to bleach as much as possible but blend it so that I could just keep it “ombred” instead of continually bleaching + coloring my roots. If you do a color you can touch up with at home color like overtone or something similar. If you want it to be just lightened, usually there are various toners etc that they will use but you won’t have to do the weekly color upkeep usually.

    4. Good question…. I can’t help with the details, but my SIL and my niece both do this with their hair and it also takes them several hours and a lot of $$ in a HCOL area.

    5. I’m Indian and got highlights on my black hair. I don’t think my stylist had to bleach it first. The color came out a light brown/reddish color. I think it took around a couple of hours. She painted the color on strips of hair and then covered them in foil. I think it ended up being around $200 but that included a cut, style and the color. I’m in a LCOL area. I’ve been letting the highlights grow out and it’s not as drastic as growing out color from the roots. It looked fine, but I’m not sure if/when I’ll do it again.

    6. How does she feel about clip in extensions? That might be easier. I used them when I was young.

    7. There are probably cheaper salons out there! I would give it a try at a salon. The length of time will depend on what kind of color she’s going for – platinum blonde or bright colors will take a long time for sure but a more natural look won’t take all day. You wouldn’t want to do it at home unless you’re great at painting. FWIW though you can dye dark hair at home but you would probably want to go to a beauty supply store (regular box dye doesn’t have strong enough developer unless you buy the kinds that are designed to significantly lighten dark hair).

    8. Eh if she’s a teenager… have her do the legwork. Figure out where she wants to go, what she wants them to do, and how much it’s going to cost. Depending on that, maybe offer to pay half? (And +1 to the other suggestion that if she hates it, pay for the remedial haircut). As someone with very thick, very dark brown/black hair, I have been quoted anywhere from $250-500 at salons for this, and have never gone forward with it because of that!

      I would also make sure you have clear house rules about hair dye at home, since my sister’s experiment as a teenager in home bleaching + dyeing her own hair left her with orange hair and my parents with a bathroom that ended up having to be completely remodeled at vast expense.

    9. I would talk to her about the cost and maintenance that comes with dyeing hair. This isn’t really a one time thing like getting your nails done. Once you dye your hair, you can’t just wash it out and move on. If you decide it’s not for you, that takes additional professional care to get your hair back to normal(ish). If you like it, you have to maintain it every ~10 weeks (if you’re lucky) on a relatively strict schedule; too bad if you have other things you want to do with your Saturday, you’re going to be in a salon all day. There’s also the cost. I wouldn’t be willing to foot the bill for expensive hair stuff for my teenager unless there was a really good reason. If she wants to pay for it then ok I guess but I would hope she has other interests and activities that she would rather spend $150/mo on.

        2. yeah this comment seems unnecessarily harsh. Lots of teens like experimenting with new looks. It doesn’t mean they’re just image-obsessed bimbos with no interests…

    10. If she gets foil highlights she won’t have to bleach and re-dye if she’s okay with the effect being more subtle. My east asian hair looks reddish brown in the sun at a particular angle, but the foil highlights I had showed up fine. It was about $150-$200.

      For cost reference, yep, balayage is expensive. Going price in the DC/MD/VA area is about $500 right now. I was thinking about getting a chocolate/mocha colored balayage on my own hair earlier this summer…

      1. That is definitely not the going price in DC. It’s closer to $300/$350, not $500, even at top salons.

        1. I would love recs for these DC salons that aren’t charging $500 for balayage! Seriously, I asked around my EA circles for some salons primarily in MD and VA that cater to EA hair and the salons all quoted me prices around $500…

    11. I am blonde and balayage for me ranges from $250 – 400. And takes about 3+ hours.

    12. I have dark, thick, almost black-brown hair and I have it highlighted to a dark blonde. Here’s the thing – if you’re going for that drastic of a change, it is a LOT of work and upkeep. When I was younger (and poorer lol) I went for a more subtle balayage highlight. I would have it done 2-3x/year. Depending on the salon, you are looking at $300-$400 each time, but if you do it subtly enough, it’s not an every 8 weeks expenditure – that’s part of the point of balayage vs. foils – there’s no line of demarcation so the root grow-out looks nice.

  23. Where are everyone’s favorite places to shop for plus-sized clothing? I’ve been avoiding buying new clothes since I gained enough weight to make me “plus-sized,” but now I’m doing some branding photoshoots for my business, so I need to look good.

    1. My three plus-size-go-to choices are Nordstrom, Talbots, and JCrew (though their stuff tends to be very short in the torso, which works great for jackets for me but not for shirts and tops).

    2. I forgot to mention Universal Standard – really fabulous for work clothes. And MM LaFleur has some plus sizes, maybe up to a size 20.

    3. For work clothes, MM La Fleur ( I think their plus runs small compared to most brands FYI), Nordstrom, occasionally Talbot’s, and quite a bit of Eileen Fisher. I shop for EF on ebay and Mercari or else on clearance at Nordstrom or their website.

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