Coffee Break: Dynamic Resurfacing Facial Pads

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1. What do you think is fair for splitting wedding costs? I’m getting married in my fiance’s home country (in a destination region, not his hometown), and my guests will be around 15% of the overall guest list. I asked his dad what I could contribute, and he said that I could pay the next installment of the hotel for rooms/food. The amount was around 16% of the overall wedding cost, which seemed fair. Fiance and I are also paying for some other vendors, so maybe 5% of the costs. It turned out the next installment for food and rooms is actually a little bit more than originally thought, so around 20% of overall wedding costs instead of 16%.

   This feels petty, but having father-in-law say “actually can she pay more” just felt bad to me. I don’t want to overpay when my guest list is such a small percentage. But also I obviously won’t say no.

   Am I being to finnicky on the proportional payment? Is there a different way to think about it? I’d rather adjust my thinking so I don’t feel bad about it.

   1. If you and your fiancé can afford it, then I wouldn’t spend too much time thinking about it. Everyone there is coming to celebrate your union, so your side vs his side is a meaningless dynamic.

      1. +1. Unless you cannot afford the difference, I would let this go.

   2. You are being finicky unless other things are shifting around a lot too.

   3. Yes, it’s just a few percentage points and you asked to do it. Also they are technically all your guests :)

      1. Right, they’re all your joint guests — I think dividing it up like this is weird. My husband has a huge family (his mom is one of 8 kids) and we had a small, mostly-family wedding, so the majority of our wedding guests were “his” and I guess I could have been offended that my parents paid 100% of the bill when “his” guests far outnumbered “mine” but… I was marrying into his family. They were becoming my family too. They weren’t “his” guests, they were “our” guests. It’s very strange to act like you have no connection to your in-laws, and I’m not especially keen on mine!

   4. Yes I think you’re being overly picky. I’ve never heard of splitting wedding costs by percentage of guests. Also you asked what you could contribute. If you had a fixed amount you wanted to contribute, you should have just offered that rather than asking.

   5. You asked an open-ended question and you got an open-ended answer.

      If 20% is more than you can contribute, say “oh so sorry, when I thought the payment was $16K I was comfortable with covering that, but don’t have the additional $4K budgeted” but dwelling on exact ratio of butts-in-seats seems petty.

   6. This is a very expensive destination wedding. Didn’t you already discuss the expense and how to finance it with your husband months ago?

      This seems extremely petty. There are a lot of wedding costs that cost the same whether you have 100 guests or 200. You cannot simply pay a % based on your proportion of guests. You are getting a sweet deal as it is. You should be thanking your FIL profusely.

   7. I think this is one of those money questions that is absolutely not about the money question. Why did having your FIL answer your question in that way feel bad to you? What does “overpay” mean to you on an emotional level here?

   8. I’m guessing that the 15% guest compared with 16% of cost is a comparison OP is making as a way to reconcile herself with paying for part of an event that’s mostly filled with fiancé’s parents friends and relatives from their home country and incurring a lot more travel expenses for her and her family.
      It might not even be planned by OP with expenses under her control.
      Now that it’s creeping higher, OP may be feeling like she’s funding more than her share of what’s essentially her fiancé’s family’s party.

      If that’s the case, you were already a little uncomfortable and should talk with your fiance, not their parents. Decide what you can contribute and if you can’t scale expenses back to accommodate that, then this really isn’t your party and you can just refuse to contribute more than that number.

   9. I have to say, divvying it up this way feels weird to me. Like why is it “she can pay more” and not “they can pay more,” meaning you and your fiance? That would feel bad to me, too.

      Probably too late for this, but for any other soon-to-be engaged couples, our total budget was composed of what WE paid as a couple, what my parents paid, and what my DH’s parents paid.

   10. +1 that this doesn’t sound like it’s really about the money.

       Spouse and I threw the wedding we wanted and could afford between the two of us. We approached the spending as what we were spending jointly because we were about to get married form one financial unit.

       It sounds like maybe your fiance’s parents are throwing the wedding and you’re chipping in? And maybe you’re not happy to be getting married this way? Are you concerned that other aspects of your life will be your in-laws deciding and you getting to give only a bit of input?

       1. Yes, this is exactly it. I think I felt more okay with it under the guise of “well it’s their thing and I’m just the covering the costs of my guests.” But veering into a larger contribution was starting to make me feel like “well I’ve made so many compromises on this to honor your family / culture / country that I don’t really want to act like this is something for both of us equally.” Which isn’t how I’ve been feeling, but for some reason 20% instead of 15% really sparked it for me.

2. I believe you are thinking of Buf-Pufs.

   1. You know, I wasn’t. But now I am.

3. Last night, my husband and I got into a fight that escalated very quickly. He got upset, started yelling, and I reacted by saying “your dad’s a narcissist.” I immediately regretted it and I was in flight-or-flight, so it wasn’t something I’d ever usually say and definitely would never stand by. He has a very complicated relationship with his father, who is a philanderer and has been physically and financially abusive to his mother.

   It sent him over the edge, and he wound up screaming at me and charging at me. I ran away from him, but he chased after me screaming (like hoarse-throat screaming) until I was on the floor of the bathroom cowering in fear facing toward the ground away from him. He stood over me screaming and then left, but came back again to scream at me more and picked up a shirt to throw at me on the floor.

   I guess I am looking for a gut-check. I may have overreacted by cowering on the floor, since I don’t think he was going to hit me, but in the moment I wasn’t sure what he was going to do when he was charging at me. He didn’t hit me or kick me while I was on the floor, just screamed and threw the shirt. He was extremely ashamed within 15 min of the incident, and I said some variation of “you don’t do that to a woman, what’s wrong with you.” But then I dropped it and we talked about other things. A couple of hours later was sobbing with shame and remorse. He didn’t get a minute of sleep and was sobbing when I went to bed. He’s signed up to see a therapist starting this week.

   I guess I am not sure if I overblew it and if it falls into the same category as normal yelling, or is worthy of treating as more of borderline physical aggression. The main thing is that he was just completely out of control. I feel very very bad about calling his dad a narcissist, and would never ever want to do that or stand by it. I struggle with having to act ‘normal’ around his dad, the way their family system does, when I do have many issues with him, but it isn’t fair to criticize in that way or say something like that. I feel bad about having berated him for his outburst and am worried I made him feel like a monster for losing his temper or acted like it was completely outside the bounds of okay behavior in a way that has made him sem broken now.

   1. Agree you need a second opinion from someone you can speak to freely.

   2. I am not totally sure why you feel this guilty about calling his dad a narcissist when he’s factually a philanderer and an abuser already. I don’t know if he has NPD or not, but clearly some dynamic is severely off in this family, and apparently trying to name it is a huge trigger. It really sounds like it was the family-of-origin issue that both set him off and made him feel broken now. I’m glad he’s going to talk to someone about it all.

      1. +1

         What you said triggered (hate that word) some deeper feelings that your DH hasn’t dealt with. While his reaction was totally inappropriate, it also sounds like he’s not brushing it under the rug and knows he needs to deal with it.

   3. It sounds like you both behaved badly and are both contrite. It happens. But maybe both of you need to re-assess whether you want forever with each other.

      1. +1. But also… I cannot imagine a scenario in which my husband would come “charging” at me such that it resulted in me running away and him chasing me around the house. This is not normal at all.

         1. Yes, this scared me to read.

            1. It felt really dramatic on the part of both of them. I didn’t really read danger. But I’m glad both of them talked it out.

            2. I don’t know if I’d leave him over this, but I’d definitely be watchful for some time to see if this over the top behavior repeats.

               And, don’t start a family until you’re really really sure this behavior was an aberration.

      2. And with this family, especially if he was channeling his dad here.

      3. How badly did OP behave though…? FIL is a physical and emotional abuser. Maybe narcissism isn’t an accurate diagnosis but there’s something clinically wrong with him. OP didn’t say anything unforgivable or divorce-worthy. On the other hand, DH’s behavior was a warning sign for future violence. That was not an “it happens” reaction.

      4. Their levels of behaving badly are not even in the same universe here. She made an observation that was unpopular but probably true, I’m guessing. He physically threatened her and screamed at her. I know you know this and you’re just trying to sh!t stir but it’s worth reiterating for the OP that these are not equal types of behavior.

   4. “…wound up screaming at me and charging at me. I ran away from him, but he chased after me screaming (like hoarse-throat screaming) until I was on the floor of the bathroom cowering in fear facing toward the ground away from him. He stood over me screaming and then left, but came back again to scream at me more and picked up a shirt to throw at me on the floor.”

      This is not borderline physical aggression. This *is* physical aggression.

      1. +1

      2. No kidding.

      3. There is no world in which a functional person sees their partner on the floor “cowering” and does not realize they’ve gone too far. The part that worries me the most is that he continued, left, and then CAME BACK to scream at you some more. I do not think you’re overreacting, if anything you are underreacting to this.

   5. “He didn’t hit me or kick me while I was on the floor, just screamed and threw the shirt.” Any retelling that requires this as part of the explanation gives me very serious pause. Candidly, if you were my friend, I would be intensely afraid for your safety after this. In my personal experience, for whatever that is worth, men who are willing to escalate like this are also willing to hit a woman. Think carefully about what is best for your safety. Intimate partners represent a terrifying percentage of the causes of death of women in this country.

      1. Also: Please stop blaming yourself. Tell him his father is a narcissist does not, in any way, justify his explosive and violent reaction. Not even close. You weren’t your best in this moment, but he was abusive. This is on him.

      2. In my experience, it has escalated to this and will escalate further.

   6. Girl get out, that is not acceptable behavior no matter what you said.

      1. I agree with this. For me, the rubber hit the road when he charged at her, intentionally making her fear for her physical safety, and then kept her in that fear while screaming at her in a confined space. That’s assault, definitionally.

      2. Yeah, flip this around: really take a minute and imagine you had acted in a way that made someone cower on the floor in fear.
         You’d probably either walk away in frustration if they were truly overreacting or immediately offer a shocked apology. Safe people de-escalate when the people around them act scared.
         Your husband screamed and threw something. That’s not how a safe person behaves. It’s good that he is hugely shaken by this. If he doesn’t follow through on therapy and fixing himself, he continues to not be a safe person to be around.

      3. This is where I land. None of that is acceptable.

      4. Yes, this. Your husband’s behavior was not safe, no matter how “triggered” he might have felt by a comment. Leave immediately.

      5. +1. i’m not usually the DTMFA type but it sounds like you don’ t have kids yet. get out now. how would you feel if he acted like this to your 12-year-old daughter? 7-year-old son? if your mother were over and said the wrong thing?

         and let me tell you, as the mother of two of the most stubborn assholes who ever lived… kids will test you in rage-inducing ways on the regular. get. out. now.

   7. Something similar (not as extreme) happened to me (mild-mannered husband with a long and happy marriage raised his clenched fist and said he could punch me in the face) and I posted about it on the moms page, but the search is so broken there that I can’t find it now. It’s a really hard thing to navigate. What he did was NOT okay – not at all. I don’t think it falls into the category of normal yelling, not by a long shot. I also don’t like that he left and then came back to throw something at you; that makes me more concerned for your safety than I think I would be otherwise. Can you talk to a therapist or a trusted friend? What does your gut tell you about your safety?

   8. To me this would not fall into the same category as yelling (there are both Irish and Sicilian tempers in this household, but “charging” isn’t a word I have ever had to think about using at all).

   9. Well that sounds terrifying. I feel like charging you, chasing after you when you ran away, standing over you and screaming at you while you’re in a small confined space, coming BACK to scream at you and throw whatever’s handy at you… definitely seems like it’s intended to make you want to cower on the floor. And you worrying that that you overblew it by telling him that he shouldn’t do that seems like you’re really underreacting. It WAS completely outside the bounds of okay behavior.

   10. My ex husband stood over me and threatened to rip up our marriage permit a few days before the wedding. He apologized when he calmed down. He smashed his desk out of anger a few months later. He apologized when he calmed down. We separated for a while (mostly for work, but I think we could have figured out being in the same city + just having a big commute if I hadn’t had concerns).

       I went to visit him, and he drove the car in a way that had me fearing for my life because he was angry at me. I filed for divorce.

       Every time, I “said something” that “triggered him.” It wasn’t until I left that I realized that normal men are not triggered by an argument in that way. Normal men do not use their bulk to intimidate their wives. Normal men walk away when they’re mad; they do not chase.

       I really ticked my second husband off once. You know what he did? Silently walked out of the house (slammed the door), got in the car, drove himself to Dairy Queen, ate an Oreo Blizzard and some fries, talked to himself in the car in the parking lot like a crazy person for like 45 minutes, and came home and told me — with his words, not his body language — why what I had said was so hurtful. You deserve a partner who does the same.

       1. Note that my stuff had a pattern. Yours might not right now, and I don’t want to suggest it will become one. Getting into therapy immediately is a promising sign. I hope it changes for you.

       2. Thanks for sharing this and I’m so glad you found a better relationship.

          OP please read her post carefully.

   11. Your husband’s behavior is not normal and is physical aggression. Internet stranger, I am concerned for your safety and well-being.

   12. This would have made me very scared. My husband and I never yell at eachother but I can understand some people have that dynamic and it isn’t abusive, but the charging, chasing, and throwing something at you (even if it was “just” a shirt) is abusive. In no way is that acceptable behavior. I have never once felt scared of my husband even when we have had serious arguments. He has never lost his temper with me or made me afraid he was going to hurt me. When we were younger we would have pretty bad arguments, but he would walk away and cool off.

   13. My FIL was an abuser and my husband did a lot of work in treatment to recover and start new patterns. We had scary fights early in our marriage and got couples therapy. It completely changed the way we argue. For one, I stopped hitting below the belt. And, if I did hit him with my tongue, he would say he was leaving and would come back. And I let him leave. I am not poo-pooing those who are concerned for you but I am saying that if he is motivated to change, he can.

   14. Molly, you in danger girl.

   15. How long have you been together. If you’ve been married 6 months -1 year then cut your losses and GTFO. The over the top contrition is part of the cycle of abuse, If it’s an isolated incident in an otherwise good 10-20 year marriage get counseling for him and try to make it work. You did nothing to cause this.

   16. You both need to see good therapists—separately for sure and maybe jointly. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with you, but a therapist can be super helpful as you work through what you want to do going forward. It’s also really helpful to have somebody external you can talk with, since it sounds like you’re doubting yourself. Also, what he did would be considered criminal assault in most (if not all) states in the USA. Please take this seriously.

4. There is a big award that’s given at work that is fairly difficult to receive. And yet, of my boss’s direct reports, I am now the only person who hasn’t received it. Not gonna lie, it stings a little. She gives me great reviews, so … what gives? I feel like it would be a super petty question to ask, but this is not the first time I’ve felt undervalued. It does not help that she does not have direct experience in the area I oversee, so I know she doesn’t always truly understand how much work I’ve put into something, even when I try to advocate for myself and my team. In the grand scheme of things, I know this award doesn’t really matter THAT much, but after many years in the same org, I do feel taken for granted and I don’t know whether that’s a me-problem or a them-problem.

   1. Ask your boss if you can nominate yourself for the award! Could it be that she’s not motivated by or interested in awards personally, so it just hasn’t been on her radar?

      1. Based on what I know of her, that is highly unlikely. I’m nearly positive she nominated the others. I don’t NEED this for my career, but it does sting.

   2. What’s the inside politics of the nomination and choice? Does it originate with your boss (and therefore politely asking her about the standards for the award and doing a little lobbying about your work would be totally reasonable!) or is it more like, another group who thinks you’re great tells Boss “hey Anon should really get the Leg Lamp Award this year” and you need to engage in some diplomacy on that front?

      1. Anyone can nominate, but it comes from a supervisor in nearly all cases.

   3. Is it important to your career to get the award?

      Whether it’s worth it depends on your goals – but at a lot of workplaces “hey, I really would like to be considered for Employee of the Year”, or other recognition for the sake of recognition stuff does come across as junior, even if your work merits it (although I get the sting of wanting that recognition!).

5. I am taking my daughter for a dentist appointment and now they are imposing a 3% fee for paying with credit card here too! Are we going to go back to a cash society after apple pay?

   1. I just noticed my hair salon started charging 3% for credit card payments! So annoying.

   2. Yes, this is pretty common now. My contractors / repair folks have been doing it for years. Then again, we are asking for a 2-5% discount (cash back programs) by using credit cards instead of cash for a lot of the good cards these days. Can we really blame them?

      And no, we are never going back to a cash society. So many of the new local businesses are not even taking cash anymore.

      But a dentist?!? He is already making (extorting…) so much profit off of us. Perhaps your dentist is one of the ones who sold their business to private equity, so this charge would be even more in line with that industry. I agree OP – that would rub me the wrong way. I think I might tell them – “the check’s in the mail.”

   3. As long as it’s clearly communicated, I’m ok with this. But yeah, then I’m paying cash and the vendor is gonna have to deal with all the costs of handling cash.

      Don’t want to take cash AND want to charge a card fee? Nope, I don’t do business with you anymore. (And I’ll vote to make it illegal given the opportunity. Markets work better when everyone has information – which requires truth in advertising regulations, including pricing)

   4. Cash is still king for people who don’t want to pay taxes. They say it’s the credit card fee but I noticed it’s always a small business who wants me to pay cash.

      1. Or it’s because the credit card fees hit smaller businesses higher as a proportion of revenue…

         1. My mom runs a small business. Counterfeit money is a huge problem. The loss rate is about as high as the cc fees. Thats why certain businesses won’t break a hundred or accept large bills.

            But it’s only a wash if you’re honest. There’s just no way that the cash only and cash discount places are actually reporting their income.

            1. There’s also no way they’re getting out of more taxes than the Amazons of this world.

      2. I thought it was that the larger businesses negotiated better deals and have higher margins to absorb the costs.

   5. Credit card surcharges on large amounts have always been normal.

      1. No, they haven’t. Signed, a credit card user since 1977

      2. They were always illegal, actually.

      3. I’ve had a credit card since the 90s and definitely feel like the surcharges have become a lot more prevalent in the last couple of years. Gas stations have given a cash discount since I’ve been buying gas, but otherwise cash discounts/credit card surcharges weren’t that common.

         Also a lot of things on this thread are not really “large amounts” — I don’t know how much work OP had done at the dentist, but my annual cleanings are about $150, I wouldn’t really call that a large amount in the context of a credit card bill.

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