Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Margeaux Blazer in Four-Season Stretch
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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I love, love, love the color of this classic-looking blazer from J.Crew. It reminds me of a chocolate-covered raspberry. I have some fabulous blazers in my closet that I don’t reach for as much anymore because they look a little dated, but this cut looks timeless. (And even if I’m wrong about that in five years, I would still hang onto it for another five because the style will certainly come back around.)
If this color isn’t your thing, it also comes in five other solids and two great plaids.
The jacket is $248 at J.Crew and comes in sizes 00-24. It’s available in classic, petite, and tall size ranges.
Sales of note for 11/6:
- Nordstrom – Early Black Friday sale! Up to 25% off fashion + 15% off all fragrance
- Sephora – Savings Event! 10-20% off for members, and 30% off Sephora Collection
- Ann Taylor – 25% off your purchase, and $50 off $200
- Brooklinen – Surprise weekend sale, 20% off
- Electric Picks – 25% off
- J.Crew – 2400+ markdowns
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 50% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 20% on suiting and dresses! Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off on other items)
- Talbots – Enjoy 30% off your entire purchase
Need shopping help for a unicorn.
Back when Tablots first introduced their “T” by Talbots athleisure line in 2019, I purchased a pair of pants from that line that I liked so well I quickly bought a second pair. They have been on heavy rotation ever since then and I’m sorry to say have given up the ghost. I need to replace them.
They aren’t leggings, they are more like pants. They are made of a substantial stretchy fabric, but they are not too heavy for summer or too light for winter, so mid-weight. I can wear them for walking, working out, pilates, etc, but then run to the grocery store with no problem. They are straight leg, and close fit, but not binding. No compression (which I hate) but a nice close fit. There is a seam down the front that I think helps give the impression that they are a bit elevated.
I’ve looked at all the obvious suspects to find a replacement: Athleta, Alo, Lulu, Adidas, Champion, Nike. I’ve checked Talbots and Old Navy. Are there any lesser known brands I should be checking out? Not concerned about cost – based on the two I soon have to let go of, the right pair will pay for itself over time.
Thanks for any shopping help!
Did you try the Athleta Endless pant? I really like those for a comfy pant that doesn’t look like sweatpants.
I bought these at Old Navy, but they might be heavier than you want: https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=8626570320001&locale=en_US&vid=1#pdp-page-content
I know a lot of people won’t shop there anymore, but maybe try Target? Or, going the other way, maybe Chicos (I’ve only seen their catalogs, so this suggestion is pretty uninformed)? J Jill?
Starfish pants from Land’s End?
One of the ponte pants from Eileen Fisher? They have multiple weights of ponte, and they last forever.
Chico’s has had something similar. May take some hunting.
The corso pants by Lilly Pulitzer are my go to straight leg ‘athletic’ fit pants. The fabric is a midweight poly/spandex blend and very breathable.
I have a pair of mid-weight ponte knit pants from GAP that have a normal zip fly and tailored waistband. They are stretchy without having elastic, and I could definitely work out in them although I use them as office PJ-in-disguise trousers. They even have the welted seam down the front like you describe. No idea if they have a current version; mine were purchased about five years ago. If they are not currently available, it might be worth a secondhand search.
If you haven’t already, I’d head to your local department store. Mine has some clothing lines that have pants like this in their normal trousers sections. It would be far easier to find them if you could zip through the clothing racks and touch the fabric, rather than get into an order/returns merry-go-round.
I’d also check out JC Penny. I’ve found this kind of pant in their normal clothing lines, not their athletic lines.
Check out Duluth Trading Company’s NoGA pants. To me they have the thickness of early 2000s yoga pants. I borrowed them from my sister for around the house last Christmas and loved them. Might be similar what you are looking for.
Varley?
BE Factory has ponte pants that I like.
Betabrand has exactly what you are looking for (including the seam).
Have you looked at Loft? Lou & Grey sometimes has things like Talbots. I assume you looked at Haven if you were on Talbots. Or there is always Spanx.
Try eBay. You should be able to find the exact model.
I used to work for Talbots (briefly) and those sound like the “Passport Ponte” pants they have now!
I’m turning 45 and increasingly interested in spending more on skincare and professional treatments, but I’m overwhelmed by the options and terrified of messing up my face! I’ve only done few (nourishing/massaging type) facials here and there.
I’m financially comfortable but still ridiculously price-conscious about beauty treatments. More importantly, I’m skeptical about what’s actually effective. I’ll consider regular facials, then read that a good skincare routine accomplishes just as much. I’ll look into Botox, fillers, lasers, microneedling, etc., then worry about side effects, unnatural results, or doing more harm than good. So I end up researching endlessly and doing very little.
I’d love specific, firsthand experiences: Have you tried Botox or fillers and loved or regretted them? Any particular areas you’d recommend treating or avoiding? Which facials, lasers, or other treatments actually made a noticeable, lasting difference? Which were a complete waste of money, or worse, negatively affected your face?
I’m not necessarily trying to look 25 again, just interested in aging well and figuring out what’s genuinely worth doing versus what is mostly marketing. Particularly interested in hearing from women who’ve taken a conservative approach and are happy with their decisions or wish they’d left well enough alone!
My .02 is Botox, on the forehead, nowhere else and nothing else. I’ve done that for 15 years and have remarkably few wrinkles at 50. I am personally not into fillers and fortunate to have great skin otherwise, so I just wash my face and am good at makeup. A good lipstick is a much heavier hitter than anything else too.
I would recommend Botox only around the eyes and the 11s not the forehead. Forehead Botox removes a lot of expression and can lead to heavier looking lids and brows with age or depending on your face/muscle structure.
Well that’s never happened to me in 15 years so I stand by the rec :)
Agree. I have heavy eyelids, and a university hospital MD suggested I stop getting botox after about 8 years because he thought i would regret it based on the progression he saw.
Yes, this seems to be an issue.
I am most comfortable with just targeting the 11s.
I have done microneedling, laser (though I don’t know what kind specifically, not something fancy like Fraxel), and get Botox in my forehead.
Microneedling helped with reducing the appearance of acne scars (especially smaller ones). Deeper scars need more treatment. It also can help with the appearance of wrinkles. I did probably 6 sessions and am happy with the results.
I did one session of laser treatment and it very quickly reduced a lot of the redness on my cheeks. I would do another session. Both microneedling and laser was done by the esthetician at my dermatologist’s office.
I get Botox every 12 weeks by my neurologist for a movement condition I have. It also helps with my vanity and preventing wrinkles. It isn’t a large amount and doesn’t look unnatural. I love it and will likely get it done forever.
This is helpful, thanks! What about hair? Balayage is tempting but seems to expensive and I’m not graying as elegantly as I hoped for.
Hair color is a nonnegotiable for me, not the person you’re responding to though. It’s the thing that ages you the fastest and sets the tone for your entire look. Spend the time here and you can skip a lot of other things.
+1. Gray hair or an unflattering color will age you a decade no matter what your skin looks like. I agree with the main commenter about botox and lasers. A retinoid and daily SPF are the best preventative treatments and non-invasive.
I’m wary of fillers. Yes a judicious amount can look great at first but you’re worse off long term. Eventually it will migrate and can cause more sagging once you stop using it.
+1 I was out with others this weekend. She was 58 and looked early 40s. Her friend, who she went to elementary school with and remained friends, looked like my mom when she was 70. The difference was the hair.
It shocked me. I’m booked with my hairdresser and thou shalt not delay hair color is now etched into my calendar, mind and soul for as long as im holding on to my career.
As I’ve aged I need to pay attention to my hair. It’s supplements, diet, products and my hairdresser.
Microneedling needs to be repeated. I had three sessions one month apart the first time and then annually. That is a recommendation of my dermatologist, but some people recommend more frequently.
I don’t think basic facials accomplish anything so I wouldn’t put money there. Similarly, I can do my own dermaplaning and eyebrow shaping at home so I would invest in the tools you need to do those things and then do them yourself.
Conversely, Botox is real and should only be done by a professional. When the time comes, I will probably go down that road.
I do Botox (every 3.5 to 4 months) in the 11s and forehead, and tretinoin cream every night. I also use Frownies stickers on the 11s and I think it helps the Botox last longer (may be placebo but it’s cheap!!!). And SUNSCREEN every day – when I look at peers (I am 48) I notice sun damage from those who are/were not as careful w/ sunscreen. Will look into laser for brown spots at some point.
Also I go to a board certified derm for my Botox. No med spa etc. etc. It is probably more expensive but I have no worries about looking “weird”.
FWIW, I think using Frownies on the 11s helps too!
I have never successfully used a frownie.
I had Vbeam laser done by my derm for rosacea redness, and noticed an improvement in overall elasticity and texture. I did 3 sessions over the winter, although the most change was from the first one. I’ll likely get a session annually for upkeep.
I am trying to mainly embrace aging, but I’m willing to do the high-maintenance so I can be low-maintenance thing. Reducing my redness means not color correcting or wearing a full foundation daily, and I feel like I need less skincare to maintain my baseline.
Derms consistently say tretinoin for long-term skin improvement. I would go ahead and get a prescription strength tube versus the more expensive (and less effective) versions at Sephora.
I’ve done microneedling + PRP injections for the hollows under my eyes. I can see the difference in the before-and-after pictures, but it’s pretty subtle and didn’t move the needle (ha) dramatically. I probably won’t do it again.
Botox is relatively cheap, relatively low risk when performed by a good practitioner and if you hate it, it’s mostly temporary. That’s not to say I ones ever had a bad result or regretted it. Its been around for decades. It doesn’t turn you into Michael Jackson or Susan dell or whatever other person you think looks terrible. Micro needling can improve texture. Again, not terribly dramatic stuff. Lasers can have bigger risks and downtime, depending on the laser. Co2 lasers are no joke. Your first round of conservative filler probably won’t look crazy or unnatural but it is really important to have a good injector. I’m more wary of filler and the intense lasers risk wise than anything else here.
Here’s the thing I find kind of exhausting and I’m sorry to bring it up on your post specifically because it’s really about the attitude on this board generally.
I think what a lot of posters here want is some sort of permission to undergo cosmetic treatments without being vain, foolish, unserious and even deserving of a negative result. Because it seems like that’s the kind of person you imagine gets Botox and fillers. I really want to challenge that idea. I promise you that the vast majority of 44 year old women getting Botox are also trying to look their best subtly and not trying to look 25. You probably didn’t even notice we got it. Lots of us are also frugal, practical and responsible people with what we consider a tasteful approach and if you’ve been judging us maybe you need to rethink that.
Thank you for this thoughtful response! I agree that most women getting Botox or fillers simply want to look like the best versions of themselves. That’s exactly what I’m after too.
I do want to push back gently on the idea that I’m judging women who get treatments. Quite the opposite! I recently admired an older woman with beautiful silver hair, incredibly clear skin, and a polished appearance. That’s exactly how I’d love to age, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d had cosmetic treatments.
My hesitation is really about where to draw the line and how to weigh risks against benefits. Once I consider forehead Botox, why not DAO Botox? Lasers for pigmentation? Microneedling for texture? Filler for volume? There’s seemingly no upper limit, and I’m genuinely afraid of messing up my face.
I’d love to hear how women who’ve approached this thoughtfully decided what was worth doing, what wasn’t, and where to stop. That’s what I’m trying to figure out, rather than seeking permission to have treatments.
I think I’m in the same place as you (late 40s and never done Botox or fillers because I’m scared to mess up my face). I started doing at-home microneedling and have noticed a big difference (think my face, but 5 years ago). I also cut out foundation and am diligent about sunscreen and moisturizer (tallow-based) and red-light therapy. I also started watching my hydration and adding daily electrolyte packets in the morning. I may eventually go for laser treatment for pigmentation or explore other things, but for now I love this routine and how it’s enhanced my appearance.
Oh, tell me about at-home micro needling. Eh aww t do you use? Is it hard to do?
Not who you are responding to but I use a Dr. Pen and do it maybe 4 times a year with a serum I get on Amazon.
I use Seranova at home once every 2-4 weeks before bed on my face, neck, chest, and the backs of my hands. I really like the results. Not sure how that compares to other brands or to having it professionally done.
Most people don’t try Botox and then fall off a cliff of unending procedures until their faces are “messed up.” We balance our concerns with the efficacy, risks, costs and other downsides of any procedures.
For me, at 45,
Botox in the forehead every few months and micro-needling, three sessions once per year, never with radio frequency, are the answer right now. But ymmv. Like you, my face, my life and my budget are dynamic. I’m not committed to doing this forever or ruling out additional or different procedures in the future.
Again I really think this stems from fear becoming a certain type of person who is “overdone” and “messed up.” That isn’t something that happens by accident at least in my experience.
I don’t drop time and money on a procedure that yields subtle but satisfactory results and then feel the extreme desire to spend more time and money on different things. I kind of say “whoa, glad that’s handled for a while” and go on with my life.
or conversely, we could accept that we are a little (or maybe a lot) vain. I know I am sometimes!
I think I’m who you’re responding to and I agree! I think it’s fine to be a little or a lot vain. I just think there is a lot of baggage around this stuff and the way we talk about it. Lots of women here seem to want to get Botox without becoming the kind of woman they imagine gets Botox!
Very fair!
For me, I haven’t tried any treatments yet. I’m cheap, I hate shopping around for doctors, I’d hate a poor result and treatments technically do hurt. Those are all reasonable things to have anxiety around.
I think you have it backwards. Only think about treatments after you have identified your concerns. There isn’t one procedure that is universally needed (well, nothing is a need in aesthetics), or universally successful. What is currently bothering you? For forehead wrinkles, botox is the gold standard. Every other concern will have different treatments with different prices, pain levels and recovery times.
So my number one tip is to find a derm that you trust (ask for recommendations from friends or on here, then check their instagram) and bring them an objective list of things you want to address. Then, come up with a treatment plan together (and you can do a focused research).
1000% agree with this.
Finding a very good dermatologist is the first step. They can actually see your skin and have a conversation with you.
ive had a hpl photo facial and think it has made a huge difference in my skin. i think it had much more of an impact than microneedling.
The most important thing for good skin is wearing sunblock all the time. I wear sunblock religiously, and get frequent compliments on my skin. Second is tretinoin. I use it five or six times a week, and on the off night, I use moisturizer. The most cost effective way to get a prescription is a legitimate online pharmacy. I use Red Box, which is affiliated with Hy-Vee. It’s a simple online chat and/or questionnaire, and then they ship me the prescription with two or three refills. I’m sure there are other options.
I get Botox on my forehead, around my eyes, sometimes my neck or mouth area. I get filler to improve my marionette lines and make my face less hollow (comes with age). My doctor owns and runs a medical spa, and only she does the treatments. She not a dermatologist, she was a very reputable doctor in another specialty that wanted a change. What I think is key is that she modifies where she does treatment each appointment. My forehead is usually the same, but she puts the other Botox and filler in slightly different places, so you never get that overfilled look. She only will put the tiniest bit of filler in your lips once a year or even longer. She marks everything she does on a diagram and we review it each appointment. I’d like to say I researched her, but honestly I randomly found her because she’s near my house.
You can also ask your primary care doctor for a prescription for tretinoin at your next annual exam, then fill it at any pharmacy. I think I pay $15 a month at Publix. This saves me having to pay for any sort of online consultation.
Is there a specific concern you’re trying to address? I had a “1” instead of an “11” that was bothering me, and got Botox for it just as I was starting to get a static line. It made a huge difference, and I immediately started a fund to continue the $390 treatments. I get it about 3-4 times a year.
Also, I’ve done a couple of years worth of Microneedling treatments, which are backed by science, and I get a round of 3-4 in a doctor’s office, which is a bit deeper than the at home ones (and more sanitary IMO). It takes time and I’ve seen a difference, usually 2-3 months after completing the treatments. It’s not an in your face difference, but noticeable when comparing photos.
I’m intrigued by lasers, such as IPL and Fraxel, but haven’t taken the leap yet.
FWIW, don’t think spending a lot of money on skin products guarantees results, being consistent is more important, and in general I think regular facials are a waste of money.
I am a few years older than you and have been using sunscreen, Retin-A, and hair color for decades. I have a red light mask and a NuFace device that do seem to work, but both are such a hassle that I never manage to keep up with them for more than a few days before I give up. I do use the Dermaflash once a week and think it does help with texture.
For many reasons I have zero interest in Botox, fillers, surgery, etc. The one procedure that would interest me if I had unlimited funds is Sofwave because I’m genetically doomed to a jowly look, but I would ask a LOT of questions about the risks of nerve damage because I play a wind instrument.
My main beauty regret is that I precipitously gained more than 20 pounds shortly after I turned 45 despite eating less and working out more. I am working very hard to lose it very slowly, but I know that if I ever manage to lose all the weight my face will be left saggy.
I’m 40 and looked into resurfacing lasers ($3K) by me. After a consultation, I decided a skincare routine was a better fit for me. AI can help you with a routine of when to use what products. The most effective for me is alto advanced vit c serum for day and a retinol at night. Everything else I use is la roche posay. I’m not going the Botox or laser route. I’d rather put the money into my wardrobe or house or a vacation.
I’m 40 and have done Dysport (similar to Botox) in my 11’s since I was 32ish because I had a deep line from frowning that my mom also has. It has always bothered her, and me. I go every 3 months and love the results. I also get some in my forehead now, but I don’t really need a ton there.
I’ve had filler under my eyes about 8 years ago and a bit more in my upper cheeks more recently and loved that too, although I was quite scared to try it as I didn’t want to look overdone. I had dark hollows under my eyes after losing pregnancy weight and I just hated it – I looked tired all the time. The undereye filler might actually be the thing that gave me the best result/bang for my buck (it is the one thing my husband noticed immediately – he was worried I was going to look weird and he said I looked great, just less tired). It has also lasted until now, but I got a bit more in my cheeks after losing a bit more volume there recently. I did a tiny amount both times (maybe one syringe split across both sides of my face). I’ve gone to the same injector for years and she is really conservative in her approach, which I like.
I tried lip fillers 5ish years ago (with a different injector – mistake) and HATED it. I had it dissolved almost immediately. I did not like looking “different” – I just want to look a little more youthful and the lips looked weird (to me).
This year I’ve felt like my skin has suddenly started looking a lot older – just dull and losing any last bit of plumpness. I was also confused by all the different treatments at the clinic I go to, so I asked my injector for her “overrated” and “underrated” treatments for general skin-improvement. She said that lasers are very hit or miss (and expensive) and not to bother unless you have a specific issue like acne scars. Same with facials – they are nice and relaxing, but don’t really do anything. Her biggest recommendation (that she also gets herself) was microneedling. I have now done 3 sessions of that and at first I was a bit skeptical, because it takes some time to actually make a difference. But 6 weeks after the last session I do think my skin is a bit smoother, more even and less dull. I think I will continue once every 6 months or so.
Other than that, my injector actually recommended sculptra as opposed to normal fillers, but I haven’t tried that. She says it is more “natural” insofar as it stimulates collagen production instead of just depositing volume immediately – so again, you have to wait a bit for the results.
My main recommendation would be to find a clinic and injector you like and trust. If that means paying a bit more to go to a derm’s office, then do that. I go to a medical spa and just see the same woman every time because I trust her (both her ability and the fact that she is not upselling me stuff).
Botox is 100% worth it (but go to a legitimate doctor). You still look like yourself, just less crinkly. I think when people end up looking weird and not like themselves, it usually is due to filler. I’ll never get filler for that reason.
So last year my manager was fired for hara55ing me and just generally being unstable after a third party investigation. She turned to some light stalking for a while before eventually moving on. Yesterday I ran into her at the grocery store, we were 15 feet apart and didn’t interact but she definitely saw me and now I’m worried the stalking will restart. Thanks for letting me vent since very few people IRL know and I really am not in the mood to be called anxious.
This sounds hard and awful. Sending you good energy, and the hope that this shitty behavior won’t start again.
Oof that is awful. How did your work handle it? Is there anyone there you could let know, just in the interest of documenting it? Were the police involved (if not- should you get them involved?)
My work handled it… poorly. She is very charismatic and I’m not so when they launched the investigation they went into it thinking I was the problem. Her firing was begrudgingly, so there certainly is still a lot of blame on me for ‘making them look bad’.
Oh gosh, that sounds so stressful! I hope they stay many, many, many feet away and you never have to deal with this again
Holy moly. Are the police involved? If so, can you update them?
What do you mean by stalking? Watching you at work/home/gym, following you, calling, sending you incessant emails, etc.? That behavior is criminal and should be reported to the police.
But if you mean she like followed you on instagram or viewed your linkedin a bunch of times, then probably not. It’s not wrong for her to be in the grocery store and it sounds like she did not try to interact with you.
Real stalking. She walked by my house 20+ times a day (I saved proof from my security camera) and followed me to the gym/store. Then she also attempted to ‘hack’ all my online accounts but I have two factor authentication so she was unsuccessful. I have IPs from her attempts to hack my various accounts provided by the tech companies.
Did you report it to the police?
I’m sure she did, and I’m sure the police were not super equipped to help her. But at least it’s on record.
Why are you sure? Nothing in her post indicates that she reported it. Women are socialized to think of these things as not that serious (“light” is his she described it) when it very much is. Report it, OP. Report the old stuff if you haven’t yet and if you have any reason to believe the behavior is still happening report that too. Even when people say the police won’t help. Report it anyway.
I hope she reported it. I would have asked about taking out a restraining order.
OP, this is very scary – sending you good vibes and encouragement. If the stalking starts again and you need to escalate this to law enforcement, trust your gut!
That’s terrifying and crazy!
Oh yikes – no advice other than to trust your gut and stay mindful of things. I hope you stay safe and nothing more comes of this. Keep us posted!
This sounds awful and I would have the same worry. If you can avoid it, I would not shop at that grocery store for a few weeks or if you do, I would try to go at a different time.
Anyone want to do some vicarious shopping for me? Husband has a milestone birthday coming and we made reservations at a very big deal restaurant, but at a time and city where it will be very cold! I would normally wear a low-cut sleeveless c0cktail dress for something like this, but I hate the cold, so I need something that will look nice with (probably fleece) tights and probably have at least a little arm coverage, but I’d definitely still like something on the s3xy side. I’m 40-something, skinny, prefer a length close to my knees (no micro-minis or mid-calf midis), and I plan to wear heels (don’t want to buy boots). Budget is flexible.
Suggestions? Any other tips you have for dressing up in the cold?
Velvet. There are always lots of velvet long-sleeved dresses available this time of year. Boden has some very nice ones. You can get a really rich color like royal purple or deep green.
Wear a good coat and take a taxi/uber to the restaurant (or valet if you’re driving), and it really doesn’t matter how warm your actual dress is. I agree that a sleeveless dress might look out of place in the dead of winter, but unless you will be walking long distances outside, I do not think you actually need to worry *that* much about being cold.
+1 I don’t think you need fleece tights indoors.
+ 2 to this from a Canadian whose husband has a January birthday. I would do a long sleeved dress with a pretty neckline. I have never done fleece tights with a dressy outfit, and I have been to dinner in lots of subzero temperatures.
You could always do a cape sleeve like this one: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/betsy-and-adam-cape-sleeve-crepe-sheath-dress/6547573?origin=coordinating-6547573-0-1-PDP_1_OOS-recbot-vertex_ymal_v5&recs_placement=PDP_1_OOS&recs_strategy=vertex_ymal_v5&recs_source=recbot&recs_page_type=product&recs_seed=7885969&color=BLACK
Hm, I like the idea, but was hoping for something that feels a little s3xier. I figure we don’t get a lot of opportunities to go out like this, so I like to take the chance when I can. (I’m not a va-va type shape, so I feel like it takes more than most to get me there.)
Do you just equate showing your chest with s e xiness?
What are the other options? Sometimes hair done well can check that box.
Cold cities tend to have overheated buildings, so I don’t like to dress too warmly in winter. I usually wear a regular cocktail dress with sheer black hose, closed-toe heels, and a faux fur jacket. If it is really frigid and you are walking some distance, a long sequined or velvet skirt or dressy wide-leg pants with an off-the-shoulder or sleeveless top under a long coat will keep you warm without overheating you at your destination.
Assuming budget really is flexible, I’d look at Ramy Brook and Ulla Johnson. Both have what can best be described as grown-up length mini skirt dresses with sleeves. They are my go to for winter fun dresses with black tights and are much longer than the Alley McBeal minis of the 90s.
As a va-va-voom shaped person I’m always envious this time of year of beautiful woollen column dresses. I don’t have any particular recommendations but maybe something in cashmere, form-fitting with a deep v-neck or a low back would work?
Do any of my fellow 50-somethings have a terrific eye cream to recommend, ideally available at Ulta? I need to pick up a replacement today, and I don’t feel like my Clinique all about eyes has been cutting it. Though maybe that’s just the best my under-eye wrinkles get at this age!
Wirecutter (from the NYT) did a podcast about eye creams recently – it is worth a listen. I think the one they recommended is by SkinBetter but please confirm – the episode are reach pretty short and explain their research and conclusions. Good luck!
CeraVe? They make two different eye creams, and my Ulta usually has at least one of them.
I love the CeraVe moisturizer but their eye cream did absolutely nothing for me.
I like the Kiehl’s eye cream but I’m not super great about remembering to use it.
I’m 62 with crepey skin around the eyes but no wrinkles. I use Belif Moisturizing Eye Bomb during the day, and at night I pull the May Lindstrom Youth Serum that goes all over my face into the eye area. I also wear big sunglasses with high quality glare-cutting lenses any time I am outside and it’s not actually dark, and always have since I was in high school. I think that the real reason for not having eye wrinkles at 62. But I think the Belif eye gel is good. It helps appearance and seems to contour my puffy eyes a bit as well.
Random q. I’ve noticed at hospitals and dr offices lately they will have me sign something without actually providing the document. So they will have a tiny electronic pad for signature and say “this is for the patient consent policy” or whatever the document is. When I ask where the document is, they go “oh. um we could print you a copy” this has happened multiple times.
my question is how does this actually protect them legally? It’s up to each patient to push to get a copy of these? it seems a bit either meaningless or kind of exploitative I guess? these are well regarded hospitals so I am not as worried about the actual paper as the whole concept I guess
Obviously they keep a record of the document for their files? I’m not sure why you think that’s exploitative.
Because the person signing it never gets to read it or see it, unless they insist on getting a copy. they are asking people to sign a document without even seeing it
I don’t know whether there’s any caselaw in this, but I will tell you that I’m a trial judge, and whenever I sign one of these I think to myself that I’d be very sympathetic to the defendant if any doctor/hospital plaintiff tried to hold anyone to anything in these “documents” in litigation.
The further I go in life, the more complicated everything and incomprehensible so many things seem to me, a person with above-average intelligence and a top of her class law degree. I’m sort of horrified when I think of how some of this must be to people with lower than average levels of intelligence or reading skills. It usually works out, but I don’t know what the solution is.
Couldn’t agree more. Especially healthcare. I feel for everyone who, due to age, illness, or education level, does not have the capacity and/or wits to deal with this in any meaningful way. The systems are designed to take advantage of the user.
this – i thought they were all just adhesion contracts that wouldn’t stick in court. i never worry about them.
Do all the documents end up in my chart? I HATE getting paper documents at the doctor. Please just pop it on my chart so I can download and file the PDF.
they do not (as far as I can tell). Sometimes they point to a version that is laminated and hanging up- that seems better in that at least there is a copy somewhere but I have no way to know if that is what I am actually signing. They just ask you to sign something you can’t see anywhere.
I’m not a trial judge, but have the same thoughts re: that comment. How can the hospitals possibly hold anyone to this?
Standards are in free fall everywhere. I have had two bad experiences with IRB research recently.
I’m a hospital lawyer and I had that happen to me at a (not affiliated with my company) surgery center a few years ago, and thought it was weird, too. I didn’t push back, because I know what those documents say and I wasn’t really going to read them anyway, but I don’t like it and I would object if my company wanted to do this (completely different if they’re giving an I-pad with the doc and and e-signature space; in this case the doc was nowhere in sight).
I think it’s an open question whether this protects the company. You could argue that the patient waived the right to look at the form and that enough details were explained to give notice of what was there, but I do think that’s a stretch if the patient isn’t sophisticated and no one can say what was actually said. It could go either way, but I do think it seems a little exploitive in some cases.
Yes and I’ve noticed sometimes they just tell me to sign and don’t even say the name of the document they are asking me to sign! I just do it and hope for the best since I need the treatment, but I just don’t like the feeling. And even when they say what they are asking me to sign, I have no way to know that’s what I am actually signing
I’ve encountered this too. The thing often says “I have been provided a copy of XYZ” – and sometimes that’s true (eg. it was on the website) and sometimes it’s not. But either way, I *said* it was true; so I can hardly sue them and claim it was not
I know this board is full of lawyers so cover your ears for a minute :)…I’ve decided to just sign them. I am going to sign the paper anyway even if I disagree with it, because I need the product/service they’re offering, and you just can’t get by in the modern world and *not* agree to ridiculous terms. It annoys me, but I’m only going to actually insist on reading it if it’s something I might actually be able to walk away from. If I’m at the ER with a broken ankle, and they need me to “consent” to the use of AI in care without disclosure, to pay whatever they ask no matter what, and naming rights to my firstborn… so does every other ER in 1000 miles, so I’ll just sign it
IANAL and suspect nothing will come of this. I literally write in, either on the paper or on the e-sig device, that I was not provided a copy of the specified document and my signature here attests to this fact alone.
I did once get taken to an emergency room against my wishes. I fainted for reasons that were not a mystery, but an onlooker called an ambulance. I came to before paramedics arrived; they forcefully loaded me into an ambulance. I had no injuries and was in full command of my faculties the entire time, told them I did not want to go, did not need or consent to any treatment, was physically restrained by hospital security upon arrival and prevented from leaving until I signed the “discharge” paperwork. There was a paragraph stating that I agreed to be responsible for all costs associated with my stay, which I manually crossed out and wrote in that I was held against my will and not provided any treatment and did not actually encounter any medical providers, just reception and security, and that I did not agree to pay any costs. The hospital did attempt to send me a five-figure bill for my “care” and I told them to produce the agreement I signed. They could not, and I had a cell phone photo of it. That was a decade ago and the invoice mysteriously went away entirely.
there would be no way to even do that here. its an electronic pad maybe 2 inches tall by 6 inches wide- just space for a signature.
I write my statement right in that box. It may not be neat, but I can definitely fit a sentence in that space; I don’t write with gigantic letters.
not health care but one time my husband apparently signed for car rental insurance on an electronic pad, I was nursing a fussy baby, it was late at night, half the time those screens are broken etc. I filed a complaint with the state AG’s office and got a refund. if whatever you signed ends up having a real cost or impact to you I think a class action lawyer would have a case.
Ugh, car rentals are such a mess. We usually prepay on booking.com or directly on the rental company site, and 8 times out of 10, the agent at the pickup counter claims there are additional charges due at pickup. And we’re not talking extra insurance, e-toll box etc.
Even if we produce the booking documents outlining all the charges and the total with the payment confirmation, they still sometimes insist that more is due. My husband gets really pissed off when this happens, and once or twice had to threaten to report them to the AG for misrepresentation of the fees. Funnily, then usually a manager can “waive” the extra charges “as a courtesy”.
And yes, healthcare invoicing and consent signing is a big old mess. Even on myChart online check-in forms all the info is so hidden, and you feel like you’re signing away your firstborn.
On the consent topic, our school is the worst with privacy and data sharing.
They have 3 options for consent to share your kids’ photo and name:
1) share with everyone, including 3rd party service providers
2) share in school comms, which includes email newsletters and other comms
3) no sharing
Obviously, we selected 3), since we don’t want our childs name broadcasted in mass emails to the whole town (smallish Midwestern town). But selecting 3) means that their name and photo also won’t make it into the year book, so we have to tell the teacher managing the yearbook very year that we explicitly allow to share the pic for that purposes.
Now, all that would be fine, but how come event pics including a close-up of my child’s face end up on the Facebook page of the school at least once a month? We’re not talking kiddo’s face in the crowd at a sports or music activity with many others, but a literal close-up.
In the age of AI and identity theft, I have many many thoughts about this, but unless I address it every single time with the school, it is futile to try to protect my kid’s privacy. And I have other issues to pick with the school, so can’t burn all my capital on this issue even though I want to raise a real stink about this.
School administrator here. That is outrageous! The yearbook is for the kids’ benefits and I can’t imagine many parents who don’t want photos shared online would be at all concerned about the printed yearbook that is distributed internally. I would send an email to school leadership.
Ha, the principal is the one posting on FB the most.
I think there is such a theater sometimes about safety and privacy that admins focus on the wrong thing altogether. The permission options available have nothing to do with what they do in real life, and honestly, most of the staff strikes me as the “happy go lucky” kind who has no awareness of legal or privacy concepts. It’s all as per “protocol”.
I ask for the copy. Reason is, there are sometimes things in the consents that I don’t understand, or that I don’t agree with and can be changed (eg the right for a resident to observe or perform surgery).
Our pediatrician does this. You’re supposed to review and complete the forms in the portal before the appointment. If you do, then you can see the entire form. If you wait until you’re at the office then they have you sign the little pad and you can see the signed form in the portal.
I don’t think it’s unfair so long as they’re making the form available. I do think it’s unfair and probably unenforceable if there’s no way for you to see the form you’re signing.
I gave a serious reply elsewhere, but part of me wonders if this is a response to stubborn jerks like me who cross out everything on waiver forms. If you hand me a piece of paper I’m going to X out stuff before I sign. I’ve never had anyone push back, the nurse doesn’t even look at it.
Ever since I read that report about hospitals doing unnecessary pelvic exams on unconscious female patients and then claiming the patient agreed to it because of some fine print… yeah I’m crossing out EVERYTHING.
I have crossed out stuff and written additional things on consent forms, but I wonder whether anyone actually reads and follows them. My guess is that they are still going to do that pelvic exam, it’s just that refusing to consent will give you grounds for a lawsuit IF you find out about it.
I’ve tried this and had them simply say they won’t accept it – either you sign it as is, or go elsewhere. But there is no real option for elsewhere.
Question for the sewers in the group. While out of town this summer, I bought a pair of white linen pants(brand is Splendid). Did not realize until I got home that the side seams have an eyelet finish, so skin shows through, from the hem to the waist. Don’t love this feature and can’t return the pants, and wondering if there is a fix I can do (as a very novice sewer). I would love to put some kind of backing in so instead of seeing skin through the eyelet, you see white fabric. But worried that simply sewing a strip of fabric to the underside will look amateur. Haven’t tried a tailor yet, although I can if there is no easy at-home fix. TIA.
You can pretty easily sew a strip of fabeic behind it. Personally I’d sew it to one side of the eyelets with the leg ‘open’, then use washable tape to hold the other side and carefully close it all up.
I don’t see why you can’t just sew a ribbon or strip of bias binding to cover the outseam from the inside. It would be basically four long seams, two for each ribbon. If you don’t like the look, just remove it. Seam rippers are your friend.
Your biggest issue is likely to be whether the pant legs are loose enough to do this on a machine. If not, you will need to do it by hand or open the inseam so you can sew the ribbon on the outseams, then close the inseam back up.
Can you tack a strip of white grosgrain ribbon down the inside of it?
Yes to grosgrain ribbon. But sewing it on Is the hard part unless you open up the entire inseam— and then re-sew it.
Yes, try it. If you don’t like how it looks, you can unpick the seam and do something else.
You can get something called “bias tape” from the notions department of a fabric store. I’d try that, if there’s one the right width.
If you start with a piece of white fabric, wash it first so that if it’s going to shrink, it does so before you sew it into the pair of pants.
Sewist! A sewer is a part of the wastewater infrastructure.
I made this exact comment in my head.
Ha me too.
ha! thanks for the correction! My DIL is a wastewater engineer so you think I’d know by now!
Ha! I was thinking “wow, they rejected seamstress and landed on THAT.”
Ugh. Husband’s yearly checkup was today, and I tried to gently suggest DH ask his doctor for Wellbutrin. He “forgot” to ask even though the doctor spent a long time with him asking if he was OK, depressed, struggling, etc. (Husband showed up dressed like John Fetterman and has had record low vitamin D in the past, also gained 9 lbs.) I’m telling him he can ask the doctor thru the portal… not sure how forceful I should be. Our teenager has been asking if dad’s depressed and I agree some… chemicals might help him be happier.
Are you concerned that your husband is not getting medically appropriate mental health treatment? The way this is worded sounds like want him to just drug himself for your household’s convenience…
I would never in a million years tell my doctor/charts I was depressed unless I needed real and immediate help. Back off your husband.
I often wonder whether electronic medical records deter people from seeking treatment for all sorts of symptoms, mental and physical. I certainly consider what I’d want written in my “permanent record” when talking to my doctor.
Good luck. AI may put that stuff in your record anyway these days.
i thought everyone here recommended anti-depressants all the time for everything. is there another way to get those?
you’re right, it would be much more convenient for the household if he stopped getting ragey at our ND child and self-medicating with all the alcohol
As an adult I’d hesitate to take medication to deal with stress caused by external circumstances. Obviously alcohol overuse is not an acceptable solution, but it’s unfair to expect a person to medicate himself instead of fixing the external situation.
Yeah. Not everyone is a good parent or enjoys parenting. Not sure anti-depressants are an answer. Maybe a good workout routine/getting out the house is a more acceptable fix.
You could be the best parent in the world and still be stressed out by parenting an ND child.
Or just tossed rando meds in the mix b/c his wife got forceful at him for not telling his doctor what treatment she wants him to have?
Yeah, this is really weird.
Not sure if you’re at this point yet, but you can reach out to his doctor and tell him your concerns. Your doctor is not likely to share anything with you unless your husband has already signed a release due to HIPAA, but you can share information they can listen to.
Where are these small town doctors who intimately know their patients located?
I don’t think being “forceful” is the answer, although having a genuine conversation about it a couple of times is reasonable. But I think you should also acknowledge that you don’t in fact know for sure what medical treatment he needs (and maybe there are other options he and the doctor discussed? At least ask before jumping to conclusions). You are not in the driver’s seat on this one.
Low Vitamin D is correlated with depression.
I know this is probably not what you’re looking for, but I would start by getting those gummy Vitamin D supplements. (I know, I know, they aren’t the greatest.) Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good; they are tasty and you can get the whole family having them at dinner.
no i totally agree vitamin d is the obvious place to start. i’ve bought supplements but he won’t take them. (also i thought you had to take vitamin D in the morning?)
No, you can take it anytime but best to take with food (fats). I take mine with dinner, as there is always some fat in there somewhere. It is also an easy time to remember and for you to remind him if needed.
I sympathize OP. I had a family member depressed for years and it was such a struggle and truly destroyed the family. When I finally told his PCP directly (sent a message), his PCP simply asked him at the next appointment – “Are you feeling down or depressed right now?”. And they talked a little about it and he started him on a medication. It helped.
You diagnosed him and decided what treatment he needs? If he has diagnosed but untreated ADHD presently, or if he has been on Wellbutrin for depression before and really benefited, I can kind of see asking if it’s something he’d be open to trying again.
But there are piles of things to test for before diagnosing depression. Why is his vitamin D so low? Wellbutrin won’t treat that. What if he has a magnesium deficiency, Celiac, or Crohn’s? Essential nutrients are chemicals that help people be happier too.
And if it’s low from alcohol use disorder, treat that! He probably needs a B complex too.
Yeah, OP sounds like she wants a quick fix and not an actual healthy and happy spouse.
He’s an adult, you can’t force him.
I think my use of “forceful” is confusing people. If i could force him to do anything it would be to take Vitamin D or stop drinking or go to therapy. I just meant have a more serious “we care about you but we’re worried” conversation. It’s come up with three different family members in recent years (son, my MIL, and my brother who witnessed a ragey incident).
It definitely sounds like this conversation needs to happen.
ND genetics can run in families and present in different ways in different people. Being enraged with a ND child definitely seems like an occasion to stop and reflect.
Doctors don’t all agree about when Wellbutrin should be prescribed to a drinker (it takes the buzz away from alcohol which can help, but it lowers the seizure threshold so it’s not smart to drink too much while on it either, so it can depend on what the drinking habits look like).
If he wants to stop the angry outbursts his way, then he needs to get on that.
Sounds like there is a problem he doesn’t want to address. Have you both had counseling? Does he see the impact his behavior has on the family?
Why is everybody piling on this poster? Sounds like she has some very good reasons to be concerned about her husband.
Because they’re married to lemons too and it’s cope.
100% this!!
I think there’s piling on because of the approach in OP’s initial post. From the replies, it sounds like OP has valid reasons to be concerned that her husband isn’t accepting help and it’s bad for their child and OP.
OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this and it sounds like spouse is refusing help. If it’s quite bad and spouse refuses help, it’s probably time to look at options to protect your child and you from spouse’s behavior.
This, but also the expressed desire for him to ask for a specific medication. Unless she is a doctor and has diagnosed her spouse, that’s like taking your car to the mechanic and insisting on new tires with finding out if it’s a brake line issue, queen calipers, or a broken brake pedal. Help him advocate for himself, sure, but don’t play doctor.
Worn, not queen…
OP here. I’m on Wellbutrin and so is my son so it seemed easier to suggest W to my DH rather than say the word “anti-depressants” or get into a bigger conversation about everything else. yes, i’m a chickenshit. but i assumed asking the doctor about it would lead to bigger conversation with the medical professional.
Agree! Jeesh
As someone who has a depressed husband, ignore most of these comments.
If you believe your husband is depressed, that warrants a direct conversation. “I think you’re depressed because of XyZ. I want to go with you with your doctor to discuss”
If your husband is depressed and not currently treated, he will not be very good at getting treatment. Hinting is not going to be enough.
Also, get the book Depression Fallout and see if anything resonates.
Ew. Any right-minded grownup would refuse this request.
Do you think a relationship can ever come back if it’s deep in the Gottman Four Horsemen contempt stage? Or if you reach that point, it truly is over almost all of the time? I’m talking sneering, looking down on someone’s habits, jobs, and income, judging them constantly.
Nope, that’s the kiss of death.
Who are you talking about? Yourself?
My best friend in the world. She just stayed with me over the weekend and through yesterday and I was downright shocked at how she was talking about her husband. They’ve had problems for years (in the manbaby/division of labor category) and it’s apparently gotten worse than I realized.
Ugh, I have a friend like this. She clearly despises her husband. But when I bring it up (it honestly makes me uncomfortable) she pushes back and says things are mostly fine. Which, may be true! Sometimes you need to vest to your bestie in a way that is not representative of how you feel overall.
*vent
But also as a person who is married to someone who also has annoying habits (because we all do) I would never talk about my DH like this because I don’t feel that way about him– disdain, I mean. It;s shocking to me what women put up with. There are a lot of really bad husbands out there!
OP here and that’s how it used to be – felt like normal venting (things like “it drives me so insane that he won’t pick up his soda cans.”) Now I feel super uncomfortable hearing things like “it’s so pathetic that he ___” or “he’s still dealing with depression but I don’t give a sh!t anymore” and the like. It’s really bad. I think they hate each other now.
You’ve posted about her a few times. She’s clearly over this relationship but likely trapped financially and taking her anger and resentment about that out.
DH and I have been very up and down over the years. A couple times I looked at what my options where and I was shocked how expensive it can be to leave if you don’t want to move your kids out of their schools, activities and neighborhood. Keeping the house is usually impossible when dealing with a DH who has no interest in not being a man baby.
I haven’t posted about her before. Maybe I did as a comment on someone else’s thread but definitely not as a standalone.
people can change but only if they want to
relationships can change (maybe) if one or both of people in them can change their mindset/behavior and if both are willing to stick around long enough to see the fruits of that labor
but you cannot make someone else change
the fact that you are posting about your friend and not yourself speaks to how little control you have over this situation
so ask yourself what role you are comfortable taking on, understanding your position of zero leverage, and go from there
as an aside, these conversations may be more meaningful if you post about yourself and your relationship needs (including friendship needs) because there is a possibility that the responses can go beyond ivory tower hypotheticals
Yes, but it will take work and both parties need to be willing.
I think you’ve posted about this multiple times. Yes, it’s disturbing to see this dynamic in a friend’s relationship, but I also think you are enmeshed in this situation, and it ultimately isn’t up to you. This isn’t your life.
Don’t know what you’re referring to but pretty sure I haven’t posted before 🤷♀️
Oh okay. There was someone else who shared a very similar post in recent weeks. Must be a common issue these days!
I also remember someone posting almost daily about this recently. Something about a vacation house and not wanting to share because the friend couple kept fighting or given each other the silent treatment.
Yeah, OP, the recent related threads might be useful to you. To help with searching, I think one was the poster’s sister’s marriage and the poster had stayed at the sister’s house.
It IS a common issue. I read various sub-r3ddits related to motherhood and it’s almost a daily topic of conversation among mothers.
This. I get that you don’t think she should talk badly about her DH but she probably feels like if she can’t be honest with her close friend about the heartbreak of her DH and her family life with him not turning out how she hoped, then who can she talk to. It can be really lonely when the person who you married and thought would have your back forever, just leaves you to pick up all the pieces of juggling work and home and kids.
This is so well put.
Ever since I had a child, I have a whole new hatred of men who cheat. It’s not even the cheating itself. It’s the time and energy he’s robbing from the family. The time that your wife is holding down the fort juggling all the things, wiping noses and bottoms and dodging fluids being fire hosed at her, and telling herself this is just this stage of life and he’s doing big important career things right this second otherwise surely he would be home to give me a break so I can use the bathroom alone or at all really. When really he’s off falling in love feeling young and free again with his AP. Do you think she doesn’t want to feel in love and young and fun again? Do you think she wouldn’t give ANYTHING to feel that with you??
Yep, 100 percent agree. It is selfish in so many ways beyond the act itself.
I wonder if this dynamic plays out when both people in a relationship want the family, as opposed to someone just wanting to be a mom at all costs. You have to pay for that sometimes.
How old are you, OP? Are you married, and do you have kids?
I think if a man is showing that level of contempt, it’s over (and she needs to get out). I think if it’s a woman it depends more (especially if kids are a stressor). That’s just based on what I see though.
I appreciate this take.
For better or for worse, I agree with this. OP – does your friend have kids? How old are they?
Yes, she does. Three kids, 9, 7, and 3. They’re the reason she hasn’t divorced already. Her mom is moving to be closer though so I wonder if that may shift things.
3 young kids, a DH who won’t help and no parent nearby sounds incredibly lonely.
I think people can come back from a lot if both are truly committed to making changes. The problem is that by the time you get to the contempt stage, the couple has been trying to work it out on their own for a long time. If they were willing to change then they would’ve done it before it got that bad.
I’m seeing a lot of people in BMWs and Mercedes delivering DoorDash, UberEats, Walmart packages, etc. What is that about? Times must be hard.
These may be Uber Black drivers picking up DoorDash orders as well if they aren’t getting ride requests when they plan to be working.
honestly whenever i see people in new BMWs or the like i feel like they’re paying month to month instead of having purchased it outright. i associate it with working class.
+1
Why pay cash when car loans can be as low as 1%? I’m not taking money out of the market when I can borrow at such a low rate.
And used cars are very expensive rn. My husband’s truck just died and we wanted to buy used but ended up going new because there wasn’t a price difference between new and used.
I think the (classist) implication here is that the person can’t afford to buy it outright and is beholden to an expensive loan that’s above their means, not that they’re making smart investment choices.
Seriously. Most people finance their cars. It’s always obnoxious when people on this board pretend that isn’t what most Americans do.
I can easily afford to buy my cars but lease because I like a new one and not having to deal with maintenance issues.
Yup
I see far, far more BMWs in my wealthy suburb than in the neighboring blue collar towns.
I feel like we have some posters here who are adamant that the truly wealthy are all wearing elbow patches and driving the apocryphal 15 year old Volvo, but IME, a lot of wealthy people (generationally so or not) are spendy and conspicuous about it.
+1 million
so true
I could easily buy a car with cash but lease because I like getting a new car every few years and also don’t want to deal with maintenance.
I also find it weird that working class is being thrown out like an insult. This board is so weird sometimes.
Interesting that your assumption that these people are down on their luck and so doing these jobs. As opposed to maybe they are getting those cars because they are hustling so hard that they are now able to afford these cars
They absolutely can not afford those cars and made bad financial decisions. I used to review paperwork for a major automaker, so I saw the nitty gritty of tens of thousands of purchase/loan agreements.
Lots of people make bad financial decisions. So what.
So it’s not an interesting assumption? It’s just statistically likely.
Perhaps those drivers are more likely to have maxed out their means than someone driving a decades-old Toyota? They have to find a way to make the car payment somehow.
You can get some almost-new BMWs and Mercedes for cheaper than a new Hyundai or Kia or whatever since they depreciate pretty quickly. And many, many Americans spend way too much money relative to their income on cars.
Agree, and once people realize just how expensive it is to maintain and repair their depreciated BMWs and Mercedes, it’s not surprising to me that gig work is on the table to afford a money pit of a status symbol.
I view fancy cars similar to logo’ed designer purses. People buy something flashy beyond their means because they want to project an image or are convinced they deserve that luxury. It’s not an indicator of wealth.
I don’t care about cars literlaly at all, but people who do swear up and down that BMWs don’t drive like anything else on the roads. I assume that’s not made up.
I think it’s made up, based on driving an ex-BF’s BMW. It was… fine. It didn’t seem like anything special to me, a lifelong driver of Toyotas.
I drive a BMW and I love it.
These comments make me laugh. Some wealthy people are into the quiet luxury aesthetic, some aren’t. I know plenty of actually wealthy people (I can confirm because I have access to information about their assets) that love designer logo bags and luxury cars.
I meant you shouldn’t assume someone is wealthy just because they have that status symbol. Maybe the person really is wealthy, maybe the person bought something they can barely afford. It can go either way.
Tesla did an actual incentive program for rideshare drivers IIRC, no?
I think they made a less than smart decision about money. But I also think the system is set up so that a leased luxury car is about the closest thing to success they’ll ever get so I have trouble judging them for it.
I think a lot of people have been laid off this year, it is taking an average of 6+ months for someone to find a new job, people over 40 are particularly having a hard time, the job market added like 800,000 fewer jobs than claimed, and people are trying to make ends meet.
Car loans are astronomical so selling a paid off car or soon to be paid off car wouldn’t help them out when they’ll need a car for a job.
THIS! And I don’t understand being judgey about someone hustling to make ends meet after a layoff? Or any other financial situation. They’re doing what they need to do when they need to do it. Jeez, what is it about this board today
Full of absolute self-righteous pills.
My boss is refusing to increase my salary to be on par with a male employee at my level who does similar and slightly worse work quality than I do (he only got to where he is by quitting and coming back a year later). That’s despite me leading multiple successful, large-scale initiatives that have brought in significant new work for our company and despite support for me getting promoted among all the people I work with at our company. We have the money and she won’t do it because of vague, internalized sexism reasons. I just gave myself permission to quiet quit and I’m going to real quit as soon as I can. This boss (before my time here) was completely shocked Pikachu face when she pulled the same thing on an employee who quit within a month – “I didn’t think she would quit!” She’ll almost certainly say the same thing about me. I’m so over it today and I’m worried about finding something new in this climate to boot.
If you can leave, leave. If you can’t, then it sounds like your boss is recognizing the market. Lots of people who leave and come back get a bump that people who stay often don’t get.
It may not be sexism. It may be more that she doesn’t think you will quit. This is commonplace – salary can fall behind the market rate if you stay at the same level and the same company for a long time. Ask me how I know!
Very true.
I think it’s both in her case. She doesn’t think anyone will quit and she has also made specific comments that I think are sketchy.
The easiest way to get a large pay bump is definitely to switch jobs! I more than doubled my salary in my last job change. It was lifechanging for me. I wish you luck! It might take time but be persistent.
Get new higher paying job, then file EEO complaint
Can you take your request directly to HR?
Can you? HR doesn’t play that role.
Leaving this here:
https://www.littler.com/sites/default/files/2025-03/50-state-pay-equity-chart.pdf?lec6tn7bd
Most modern compensation practices have a range for a specific level or title, and that does not mean that two people performing similar (but not identical) work must be paid identically.
However, there is a lot of nuance here. They can’t pay you less _because_ you’re a woman. They can pay you less because you joined earlier and they haven’t trued up. However, they are on notice now.