Coffee Break: Pout Clout

109 Comments

1. This would sound extremely entitled if I said this out loud, so bear with me:

   Anyone have a successful conversation with your boomer parents about starting their wealth transfer while they’re still alive, rather than waiting for inheritance? Parents are in their late 70s and sitting on more money than they will ever use in their lifetime. We are two working parents with young children, paying a mortgage and staring down college costs in a few years, and stand to inherit a good chunk of money when they pass, but we need it more now that we will in, god willing, 15-20 years. Obviously they do not owe us anything, now or at death, but is there a way to bring this up? If some republican has written or spoken about it, even better.

   1. I should ask my parents what they read that led them to this – around age 70 they realized they had more money than they could spend if they lived another 70 years, and without being asked started giving us up to the gift tax exclusion limit each year. It is so, so helpful, and so unexpected based on their previous indications.

      1. For my parents it was reading about how high we would be taxed on the inheritance. And finding out that this is not an uncommon thing to do.

         1. The estate tax exemption is $30 million for married couples. Unless they’re obscenely rich you won’t be taxed.

            1. A lot of states have estate taxes for much lower estate sizes.

            2. Some states have a much lower exemption. In mine, it’s more like 3 million, which is still a lot, but a more typical number for people who saved a lot to fund retirement and then got lucky with markets and not needing it for long term care. I’m not too worried about this, as if I’m lucky enough to be in this situation because my parents’ money keeps growing instead of getting spent down, it seems pretty fair to pay some fraction of that in taxes. It’s equally (more?) possible it goes the other way and I inherit relatively little or nothing, and that’s fine too.

      2. My parents started giving my siblings and me a few thousand dollars a year on the advice of their financial advisor, who told them they aren’t spending enough money in their retirement. I have no idea if we’re all getting the same amount and it’s none of my business.

         That said, I anticipate the bulk of their estate going to long-term care, at least for my mom (women tend to outlive their brains in my family). I keep hearing about the “Boomer wealth transfer,” but … I think it’s the nursing homes that are getting the best deal.

         1. OP here, and I think you are spot on with your last paragraph. Parents in question are very paranoid about ending up at a bad nursing home, so I think they are hoarding money in large part with the dream of paying for in-home care (i.e. an entire nurse’s full time salary and benefits) until they die.

            1. I’m not sure I understand how this is paranoia or hoarding, and not “reasonable concern” and “careful planning.”

            2. This.

               My sister wants my dad’s money yesterday (and could use it). He could still outlive it, if he declines but doesn’t die. Assisted living is so expensive (we are in year 2 at the most minimal level they have).

            3. In home care is much more expensive than one nurse, if you have a lot of needs. It sounds like you are not very knowledgeable about this. Your parents probably have examples they have seen/heard about, and their fears are not unfounded.

            4. This is exactly what they should do. You want them to be able to fund all of their own care without relying on you.

            5. Whoa – I don’t think it’s paranoia or hoarding re: long term care. That’s where I WANT my parents’ estate to go, vs having them someplace crummy or paying for it among my siblings.

            6. I think I am entitled to have quality in home care for as long as possible and no way am I going to sacrifice that. If you are being greedy and want them to go to some grim retirement facility, check yourself. You are not a good person.

            7. Whoa – I didn’t mean to imply that saving for long-term care is hoarding or paranoia. That’s where I WANT my parents’ money to go, vs having them somewhere crummy or paying for it ourselves.

            8. Good Lord. If saving money to be properly cared for at the end of life in “hoarding,” then yeah. I’m hoarding. Sheesh.

            9. OMG calm down everyone, the choices are not hoard this money or else you go to a grim retirement facility, good lord. They have millions and millions of dollars and pull in more in investment INTEREST every year than they could possibly spend down in a lifetime. The dream of having someone care for them, in their home, full time, without any input from me is 100% attainable by the way, which is not true for the average person. But great, yeah, thanks for calling me a bad person when you have literally no idea what you’re talking about.

            10. Okay that is a lot more context than your original post! But the framing of “an entire nurse’s full time salary and benefits” still seems out of touch, since in-home care can cost a lot more than an entire nurse’s annual salary and benefits. Clearly they can afford what it could really cost, but then it’s not just a dream; it’s a feasible plan. I don’t know if a living will would help with the feelings of paranoia (I know I have worries about how I may be treated if I’m incapacitated).

            11. I don’t think you are a bad person, but I also think your parents’ money is just that — your parents’ money. And sadly, it’s not a good luck to be bugging them about getting your hands on it — especially if they are worried about end-of-life care. I think you’d get a lot further if you didn’t belittle their concerns.

            12. I mean I said exactly that: “Obviously they do not owe us anything, now or at death,” and their fear of ending up in a grim nursing home *is* paranoia given their wealth level, believe me. I am asking specifically about people who have had success raising this with their parents, especially if it comes from a fiscally conservative POV, which several commenters responded to respectfully and helpfully. This little subthread where you chimed in on folks insulting or dismissing me was a fun detour for you Im sure.

            13. Senior Attorney is spot on here. Even if they have what you perceive as more than enough, it’s their money. If they’re risk averse and want to hang onto it all until they’re gone, it’s their choice. End of life care can be staggeringly expensive.

            14. This is why I asked about a living will. Are they really paranoid about just plain running short on money and therefore landing in some nursing home run by private equity? Or is it more that they’re scared about becoming more vulnerable and not being able to ensure their wishes are followed and becoming dependent on caretakers who may or may not be caring? I wish they could feel more secure.

            15. Dude. They are right to be paranoid— where I live it costs $8k/month for in home care for one person for one shift through a service. That’s not even live in. Assisted living with medical care costs $22k a month here, and it can skyrocket if you require memory care.

            16. OP, I got you. $22k a month, which is the most expensive possible scenario (give or take depending where you live), sounds like a non-issue for your parents. People love to be obtuse.

            17. I’m with Senior Attorney here. It’s not your money, OP. It’s theirs. Someday, some of it might be yours, but you can’t count on it. Make your own way. If they wanted to give it to you now, they would have done so already.

         2. $22k/month is far from a worst case scenario. Memory care with a personal aid can be double that, even if you’re not in a VHCOL area. And people can live with dementia for a decade or more if their physical health is good.

            OP actually hasn’t said how much they have so we really don’t know if they’re being paranoid or not. If they have $20 million, yeah they won’t need all of it (although again, it’s THEIR money and she’s not entitled to it). But if it’s $10 million or less, I think it’s eminently reasonable to save it for end of life expenses. And yes I understand most people will never save even high seven figures nor do I expect to get there myself, and I’ll survive. But there’s a difference between accepting you can’t get to $X in savings and living your life anyway, and giving money away willy nilly when there’s a chance it could impact your life.

            1. I am willing to believe her that they have enough money; I just think it’s relevant context since by far most people do not. I also think that money alone doesn’t always succeed at getting people good care, so they’re allowed to be worried about it. I also think it’s trivializing to reduce the expenses of long term care to “hiring a nurse” as if that’s all they can entail.

               There are medications that cost nearly a million a year. Yes generally nobody gets them without insurance (with the result that too many people just don’t get them at all). But it’s very easy to underestimate potential healthcare and caretaking costs in general.

            2. Agreed it’s really hard to overestimate medical and caregiving costs. My grandmother’s almost $5M estate went entirely to a decade of dementia care. She had the very best care money could buy, but it sounds like that’s what OP’s parents want too. Multiply that by 2 people and you’re at $10M. It’s spectacularly unlucky for both people to need that level of care for that long, but it happens.

               Also this may just not be what they want to do with their money. Honestly, even at a $20 million net worth, I think I’d be more interested in establishing a family charitable foundation or buying a family vacation home my kids would eventually inherit, rather than giving cash gifts to my adult kids. With parents this wealthy I’m guessing OP has already had a ton of advantages in life. She shouldn’t need her rich parents to subsidize her lifestyle, and I would honestly feel pretty irked if I worked really hard and saved 20 million dollars and then my supposedly financially independent adult child came to me and said “Pay my mortgage!” Even if I was 100% sure I’d never need the money for nursing care, that’s not what I’d want to do with my hard-earned money.

            3. OP acknowledged multiple times that it’s their money, though, so that’s moot.

            4. Just saying “I know it’s their money” doesn’t change the fact that she’s behaving like she doesn’t know that. Her tone towards them is also pretty insulting (‘paranoid’, ‘hoarding, ‘boomer’ etc). This is not the tone of someone who genuinely understands that it’s their money, not hers.

               If his tone has come through at all in conversations with her parents, I understand why they don’t want to give her anything.

   2. I think so much of this depends on your relationship with them, and how secure they feel about their money. My husband’s parents have started this transfer and it has truly been life changing for all of his siblings at the time when they/we need it most- namely, higher education, home buying, and starting businesses. The reason his parents did it though is because they got wealth from their parent later in life, when they didn’t need it as much, and realized how much more it could have helped them earlier. I think you could start a conversation about their retirement security and plans and see where it takes you.

   3. rich people love to talk about estate planning!

      my parents have been kind enough to give me the gift limit for about 15 years now – it’s always helpful and it really isn’t a huge deal to them. that’s one easy thing.

      but there are a lot of issues to talk about with them re estate planning in general – POAs, living wills, medicaid look-back rules… even discussions on who will inherit the IRAs, because a lot of times it may make sense to make you the primary beneficiary on both of their IRAs because the RMDs still apply on inherited IRAs so if the living parent inherits the IRA they’ll have a big tax burden.

   4. This would not go over well in my family or with my ILs but I completely understand your sentiment. I’m a huge saver due to some early financial instability and listened to Die With Zero last year, and it completely changed how I think about estate planning and passing money down.

      My mom will likely leave us some (if she’s not scammed or makes terrible decisions between now and then, which is likely) but is super spooked about running out of money and wants us to grovel in thanks at the most basic gifts like unasked for clothes for my daughter. My ILs will likely leave a good amount however likely have solid trusts in place and I would not be surprised if those bypass my DH entirely for the grandkids.

   5. I’m not sure there’s a great way if they’re not interested. My parents have a net worth north of $10M and are still rapidly accruing in their mid-70s (my mom still works at a low six figure job, plus they get a ton of interest) but have made it pretty clear they’re not interested in giving us anything while they’re alive beyond very modest contributions to our kids’ 529 accounts. My grandmother burned through a lot (not $10M, but a more than most people could ever save) when she needed round-the-clock dementia care for nearly a decade so I understand their desire to hang onto their money until they’re dead.

   6. They may be more interested in paying for college for their grandkids than just giving you money, so that might be one way to being it up.

      1. OP – consider “Would you be interested in contributing to the grandkids’ 529 accounts? If so, here is the link where you can add funds to them directly.”

         1. There’s also a tax break in most states for this, so there’s an advantage to them as well.

      2. Yes, agreed. This is probably the only way you can possibly bring this up. You could mention the key tax benefits of the 5 year front loading option and enabling tax free growth.
         Also, you didn’t use any possessive pronouns in your original post or response, so I can’t tell if these are your parents or your spouse’s. If they are your in laws, you cannot raise this at all, even with your spouse.

   7. I know most people aren’t in this situation, but we started a gentle dialog about retirement and estate planning after my grandparents died when I was 23. I most definitely do not have parents who are going to outlive their money, and discussing what’s important to them while they’re still with it but also recently saw people getting old was helpful. I do not have that kind of relationship with my in laws, and could see us running into a similar thing in 10 years. Fortunately for me, that’s on my husband.

   8. Firstly, I’d be annoyed at being called your “boomer parents.” The term “boomer” is often derogatory, and it comes off as a sly way to take a swipe at your parents. If that is not what you meant, you should check yourself.

      Honestly, no, I don’t think you can ask for money. It’s one thing to ask them about their end of life wishes, or an estate plan for their financial wishes. These conversations are necessary if uncomfortable. An estate lawyer or financial advisor will bring up things like taxes, giving, etc.

      I donate to five 529 plans and give family members roughly $10,000 per couple a year. A close family member read “Die with Zero” and thought this was a great idea … apparently for me. Months later, I’m still mad and now resent giving her and her children (via 529) money. Don’t spend other people’s money for them.

      1. Agree with this, as someone with wealthy parents. You say “it’s their money” and “they don’t owe us anything” but it doesn’t sound like you actually believe that. If you actually believed it, you wouldn’t sound so resentful about them wanting to hang onto their money until they’re gone (and it’s really not “paranoia” to anticipate huge end of life expenditures, it’s responsible and smart!)

         Also just… consider that they don’t want to fund your lifestyle. I think many/most wealthy grandparents are interested in helping their grandkids with college, and I can understand being a little hurt if they have the money to send your kids to top private schools and aren’t interested in doing it so the kids have to go to State U. But beyond that they may think charities need the money more than you, and it’s a valid choice for them to make.

   9. The very fact that you’ll never need to financially support them is a huge gift in and of itself. I have SO many friends with mortgages and young kids who are paying for the care of elderly parents on top of those other expenses. So ‘check your privilege’ is my gut reaction.

      1. The other thing that did not come up in this discussion is that we are going to have a bunch of treatments that will prolong our lives but won’t be covered by any insurance. The cancer treatments that are being rolled out are amazing.

2. Am I right or just old? I’ve noticed that associates (in my firm and other firms) are using “drafted” instead of “draft”, i.e., “draft(ed) documents attached.” I’ve always used “draft”; the word draft is an adjective that describes the type of documents we’re talking about, which are drafts as opposed to final versions of documents. “Drafted” sounds wrong to my ear. I guess it means documents I drafted, so “drafted documents” sounds like passive voice? Is this how people are referring to draft(ed) documents these days, and I’m just old fashioned?

   1. I have never heard “drafted documents,” and as a fellow old agree with you 100%. My tiny firm doesn’t have any very young associates (youngest is mid-30s), but I’ll ask my own kid, who practices at a legal aid office.

   2. i am a 50 year old attorney. i think you attach drafts but i think it’s ok to say that you are attaching drafted documents. it’s not incorrect as best as i can tell.

      1. Agreed. And I agree that it is the passive voice, which I hear at a deafening volume and simply cannot abide.

         1. Maybe it would help to study some languages that rely on passive voice more? It is so not a big deal to me.

   3. that’s new to me. I either hear draft as a standalone noun or verb (“please review Jane’s, Joe’s, and Tradwick’s comments and update the draft” or “please draft X”) but “drafted documents” is just word clutter!

      1. I guess I should’ve put the word documents in brackets. The email might say something like, attached is a draft settlement agreement and the court-stamped complaint, or something like that. So “draft” is intended to convey that it’s a working draft and to distinguish it from other attachments. I’m seeing more and more young people use “drafted” instead of “draft” in this context. I guess it’s technically correct? It’s just weird!

         1. No, it is not technically correct. A “draft” document is a document that is still subject to editing. All documents have been drafted, whether they are draft documents or final documents.

            1. good point!

         2. In that context? Drafted is wrong. Draft documents are clearly the working versions. Drafted documents are the ones that were written, and it’s unclear whether they are final or not.

            1. Cosign–in this context it’s “Draft [document] attached]” not “Drafted….”

               I’ve been in law for 25 years.

   4. where are you going with this? like are you prepared to tell some entitled 26 millenial not to say drafted? good luck with that. let it go!

      1. 1 – the youngest millenial is several years older than 26
         2 – they’re not entitled, they’re just using newer language which once wasn’t correct but now may be acceptable
         3 – 100%, let it go

      2. I am a millennial and I am almost forty. Please leave millennials alone for just one day. Please.

         1. Amen.

   5. To my 26 year old ears, both sound good.

      1. How does it sound to your 26 year old ears to be called a Millennial?

   6. This is what happens when you eliminate reading and writing from secondary and post-secondary education.

   7. I think you’re right and they’re weird!

3. Going off my morning thread about complaining about work –

   If you have a situation which is 1) not good and 2) not changeable, and are complaining about it to friends, how do you want them to respond?

   Venting is fine and its good to get things off your chest, but if its the same repeated complaint, and because of outside forces that neither of us can control it can’t be changed right now, what’s the right response?

   I’ve also definitely seen this turn bitter, where its a self reinforcing cycle of 2 people always talking about how terrible something is.

   1. i am a fan of “do you just want to vent or do you want some suggestions?” as a starting point.

      1. yup.

      2. I prefer this for with your own partner (the person you presumably know best) but when said to a friend, it carries that undertone of “I do have suggestions that I’ll be keeping in mind as you speak.” If the question here is about what’s ACTUALLY helpful to hear when someone wants to vent, then “I’m sorry/that is so rough/ugh, I know” is it.

   2. I’ve often struggled with trying to fix things for other people when they may not be interested in my fixes. So now I just let people vent and if it’s too much for me, I only see them as much as I can tolerate it. I’ve also come to realize there’s a lot of value in just listening and not trying to improve anyone. It isn’t actually my job to make sure they handle their life problems well.

   3. I want someone to say, “I’m so sorry. That’s really hard. Hang in there!” I also really appreciate humor. Diving into the comedic side of life’s struggles is healing and helps you bond and process things without all the shame. That’s not something you can order up. Not everyone is naturally funny. But that’s something I really appreciate in friendships.

      1. This makes me think of how Ted’s friends start making fart noises when he becomes insufferable (for other reasons/acting snobby) in How I Met Your Mother … maybe that’s the move.

   4. Just support +/- commiseration.

      “That really stinks / is awful / would frustrate me too”

      1. +1 “That really stinks” is the way to go.

   5. I usually don’t because there isn’t any particular response I want, but it feels like this creates distance, so I’m not sure how to get it right.

   6. Honestly, I just bow out of friendships with people who choose to (1) complain loudly while (2) doing nothing to address (3) fixable issues. That combo signals immaturity to me. If you’re only at 2/3 (you’re complaining loudly but the issue isn’t fixable and you’re trying to mitigate the circumstances, or you’re doing nothing to address a fixable issue but you aren’t whining about it, or you’re complaining loudly about a fixable issue while working on fixing it), we’re totally cool. It’s just when all three factors are present, I’m not the right person to support you.

   7. Realistically, you have to divide your friends between people who are friends versus acquaintances. Yes, I have complained for years about significant issues that I couldn’t change like caregiving. The only option is to move through it. And I have listened to friends with similar challenges.

      But I also have friends who I am surface level only with and that’s fine. As I said in the earlier thread, you just can’t also expect the support later. I think the problem is not recognizing that every friendship is not the same kind of friendship.

   8. Honestly what I *want* most when I’m the one in the stuck-in-a-bad place situation isn’t really “this sucks and I’m sorry”, it’s “I still think you’re good, I’m proud of you, and I love you” in some form (I’m not saying I’m entitled to hear that though!)

4. it’s 80 degrees and you will need to do some walking. what is the most pulled together and stylish older woman who is not skinny wearing? like specifics.

   1. Linen and cotton, generally.

      Specifically, a midi length linen dress in a style appropriate for the occasion, with those jockey shorts underneath. Or linen shorts with at least a 5” inseam and a breezy button down tank. Or wide leg linen pants with a boxy cotton t-shirt that is not see through, tucked in, with a braided leather belt.

   2. Context? Vacation? Work site?

      1. op here: casual. vacation or weekend at home.

         1. OP, if you’re the same woman who posted this morning about a trip to Arkansas / Oklahoma, and wanted us to tell her what to pack . . . . could you ask us a somewhat more detailed set of questions? Like, are you wanting to go shopping this week and are asking what you should buy? Or are you staring at a closet full of clothes and feel overwhelmed about how to pull out a capsule from among them?

            1. yes. i am overhwhelmed. i have linen pants, i have summer dresses, i have gauzyy skirts, i have shorts.i have it all and hate it all and it all makes me feel incredibly fat and dowdy. i may be dowdy but i’m certainly not fat. i’m trying to figure out what the problem is other than i’m just older and heavier than i used to be.

            2. I need a high waist pant or pair of shorts to look presentable. Maybe the rise is off for you. Elastic waists just give me the appearance of chub at any size.

            3. OP, dowdy is in. All the styles are what our moms wore to work in the 80s and 90s. That’s why everything feels so old lady, it’s what our eye thinks of as old lady.

         2. Athleisure

      2. OP, given your post at 4:09, I’d say a major part of the problem is that you really feel down about yourself right now, and it’s hard to feel stylish when you start out from a baseline of “I hate it all and I feel fat and dowdy.” So, apply a whole bunch of extra kindness — I’m guessing that you probably actually look better than you FEEL like you look.

         Since you’re asking about wanting to feel put together and very stylish for this trip, I’m also wondering if maybe you’re going to be around some people that you feel insecure around, and wanting to feel like you look good is a bit of armor and especially important to you for this trip?

         All that aside . . . I’d say to leave the linen pants and gauzy skirts at home. Loosey goosey clothes with zero structure, and pants that crumple and wrinkle, never make me feel stylish and pulled together. If I’m already feeling breezy and casual, they’re great and I love them. If I’m feeling fat and dowdy, they make me feel like I’m wearing pajamas (especially if I’m next to a pulled-together woman who doesn’t look like an unmade bed).

         If it were me, I’d take my canvas / twill cropped pants. They have enough structure to hold up, and they’re decent to wear in a humid 80 degrees. I’d take my linen shirts that don’t wrinkle too badly. My flowing navy linen dress that always looks crisp, even if I feel bedraggled. My navy linen blazer that looks good with a white t-shirt, casual pants, and sneakers. In short, dark-colored linen that doesn’t show the wrinkles as much, clothes that have STRUCTURE, so they don’t make me fee saggy/baggy, and color combos that are crisp (navy / white / gray) so I feel a bit crisp.

         1. Not the OP but this makes a lot of sense to me; thanks for articulating it.

   3. Chico’s “Travelers” collection.

   4. I say it a lot here, but she’s been so helpful to me. Check out JoLynne Shane’s blog. I am not interested in fashion, but I am interested in looking nice as a mid-40s woman. And I find the clothing that she posts and the explanations that she gives about why one piece works for her better than another, even when they are very similar, super helpful.

      1. https://jolynneshane.com/

         For example, a few days ago, she posted about shorts, which included a discussion about lengths. Today is a post for people who don’t like shorts to discuss alternatives.

      2. +1 for JoLynne Shane. I have a different body type and style but I still find helpful tidbits in her discussions of what works and doesn’t work for her and why.

   5. It was quite warm here yesterday and got a little muggy in the late afternoon. DH and I were running errands that included a 20-block walk. If I get overheated, I fall into a hot flash doom loop. I wore a dark olive knee-length linen skirt and a black high-necked tank top with chunky black sandals. I used Megababe thigh rescue stick before we left home.

      For me, at least, key elements are: nothing tight, natural fibers, sleeveless. In the worst of summer I might have done a white tank instead of black. Not saying I’m the most stylish older woman, but I felt good in it.

   6. I like linen or cotton dresses for this with Jokey shorts underneath. I haven’t bought any new ones this year, but I am still wearing stuff from Talbots and Boden from a few years ago. I don’t like wearing shorts and when it is hot I feel more comfortable in a short-sleeve dress with comfortable sandals.

5. I had a clean colonoscopy and was told to come back in 10 years. Then my younger cousin died of colon cancer before he was old enough to get a scan. Is it worth asking if I should come in early or still wait that long? I’m a little freaked out because this seems to happen a LOT with young people (eg Black Panther). WWYD?

   1. Definitely talk to your doctor about your new family history. Ask them what they’d like you to do.

      1. (My expectation is that they’ll go over your risk, your options, and the pros and cons of the options so you can take next steps.)

   2. I would definitely make sure the medical team has that family history and ask if that affects their advice.

   3. I would ask your dr. about it at your next annual.

   4. Talk to your doctor and never let a doctor tell you “you’re young, it’s probably just hemorrhoids so let’s skip the colonoscopy.”

   5. I’m so sorry about your cousin.

      Sure, I would update your doctor. And I would take a look at my family medical history. Are there other cancers on that side of the family? I also wonder if you cousin had inherited a gene mutation that put him at increased risk of cancer at an early age. If you have a close relationship with that side of the family, you could ask them if he was ever tested. Testing is routinely done for someone young like him diagnosed with cancer. Because then you could qualify for genetic testing to see if you inherited the same gene.

      I found out I inherited a cancer gene mutation from my mother, who died of pancreatic cancer. So I had to tell my cousins from that side of the family so that they could be tested. One cousin got tested, the other one wont get tested. He still smokes/drinks a ton, and I think he just doesn’t want to know.

   6. I read that it takes more than 10 years for a cancerous polyp to grow from nothing. So if you were told you’re clean, they would still catch it if you come back in 10 years. Obviously ask your doctor in light of the new information.

      1. I grow the type of pre-cancerous polyp that turns into cancer in 3-7 years from growing from nothing, so a 10 year window would be too long in my case. I normally have colonoscopies annually (and the doc finds and removes a “bad” kind of polyp each time), but she said we can go to every two years now.

   7. You should ask, but last time I did a colonoscopy, they only considered first degree relatives in the risk calculations, not even including my grandparent that died of colon cancer (though when they were quite old). A cousin is even less direct, so they probably won’t count that either, absent genetic testing or other information suggesting a higher genetic risk (that could include a family risk of other cancers, however, as there some genetic mutations that cause multiple cancers). The most important thing is that you did already get one, it was clean and will presumably get another at 10 years. And obviously take any symptoms seriously.

   8. Ask your doc if there are drawbacks to getting one more frequently because if not, you prefer to be more proactive. Be prepared to pay for it out of pocket if your insurance doesn’t cover it with the frequency you prefer.

      1. Of course there are drawbacks. Risk of perforation is real, and a perforation can be deadly. My healthy, athletic relative almost died when she was perforated without the doctor’s knowledge. She had two surgeries to correct it and has had further complications from scar tissue. Her mom died of colon cancer at a young age, she’s always been proactive about colonoscopies so she has to have them, but the risk is there.

         1. I’m sorry that happened and hope she can get ahead of the complications now; I know scar tissue is hard to deal with.

            I’m elevated perforation risk and have a contraindication for muscle relaxants, so conscious sedation may not work out well for me either. It’s something I have to figure out since I’m not sure the medical advice to just do Cologuard is really right either.

   9. You could request an FOBT (fecal test) before your colonoscopy is due.

   10. I would also ask about anything preventive you can do (I was surprised to learn that dairy consumption is supposed to be protective for reasons, so I eat plain yogurt more frequently now).

   11. A cousin is not a close enough relative to change the analysis generally, but you should totally talk to your GI, because my experience is that they will take any excuse to scope anyone that they can find.

   12. How long ago was the clean colonoscopy? I had a polyp removed for my first and with no family history it was still come back in 3 years. The 2nd was clean. So yes, let them know about this new family history but also you may not need immediate repeat screening.

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