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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Colorblock Sheath Dress

affordable work dressOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Oooh: Nordstrom has a number of great Ellen Tracy work dresses right now, but this morning this pattern-blocked dress is calling my name. Wear it to work now, and the red is a nod to the season. (Add gold jewelry and a longish red cardigan to complete the look.) But come spring, I think this would look lovely with a light blue blazer, and in the summertime, the dress is nice enough to wear by itself (if a sleeveless dress is appropriate at your office). It's $149.50, available in regular and petite sizes 2-16, at Nordstrom. Ellen Tracy Colorblock Sheath Dress (Regular & Petite) Here's a plus-size option. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-3)

Sales of note for 12.13

  • Nordstrom – Beauty deals on skincare including Charlotte Tilbury, Living Proof, Dyson, Shark Pro, and gift sets!
  • Ann Taylor – 50% off everything, including new arrivals (order via standard shipping for 12/23 expected delivery)
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19
  • J.Crew – Up to 60% off almost everything + free shipping (12/13 only)
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything and free shipping, no minimum
  • Macy's – $30 off every $150 beauty purchase on top brands
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
  • Talbots – 50% off entire purchase, and free shipping on $99+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

243 Comments

  1. What are your best tips for how to make a fresh start at a new job?

    My list so far:
    Save contact information from folks at previous job
    Read the First 90 Days
    Get new shoes
    Get a new notebook
    Dry clean everything
    Haircut

    1. Some things to keep in mind:
      Make a list of questions you want to ask your manager in the first week (about goals, expectations, people you should talk to, etc.)
      Have outfits in mind for at least the first week so you look and feel your best
      If you will be managing people, send out a quick intro email and set up 1:1 meetings

      Good luck!

    2. Say yes to everyone who wants to have coffee / lunch / drinks
      Don’t badmouth anyone to anyone

    3. Figure out what you’re going to eat the first few days (yes I only/always think about food). Is there a restaurant near your new office? Do you want to pack your lunches first? Maybe get a new lunchbox or water bottle. I hate the feeling of being trapped in the office with nothing but vending machines to sustain me.

    4. Thanks so much for the idea – I’ll be taking note ready for next autumn.

      Mine – remember that you’ll probably have an ID headshot taken on your first day so make sure that your first impression outfit works as well in a cropped thumbnail picture as it does in person.

    5. Keep in mind that you do not yet know who to trust. You do not yet know who is a reliable source of information, and who is providing very lopsided or biased versions of “truth”. I once started a new job and took all the information I was told as fact, kind of like you would trust the narrator of any book you were reading. But it became clear after a few weeks that some of these people were not accurate, either because they just didn’t have a good perspective, or because they didn’t want me to know the whole story. So keep in mind that the trustworthiness of your sources needs to be verified.

  2. Ladies, I need some career advice – particularly regarding navigating an internal transition that would put me in the “big dog league” (is that even a saying??) I’m keeping the description purposely vague so let me know if this doesn’t make sense:

    Situation:
    Current role: I am the head of a business unit X, a smaller line of business for my company. I manage 7 people, oversee the product quality and manufacturing, have a ton of autonomy, P&L, and this is key – a captive sales and distribution channel. The sales team in my business only sells my product so I work closely with the head of sales in achieving our mutual financial goals.
    Total revenues: $XM
    3 year historic growth: 5-10% (projected to be flat this year)
    Fantastic relationship with direct manager who reports to divisional president “P”

    New role: Head of business Y, a larger line of business for my company but in a higher growth industry. This particular product though has had troubles so they want someone who can be a “fixer” and come in change the culture a bit.

    Comes with team of 10-15 (I need to clarify), I would oversee the product quality and manufacturing. The role has a more global footprint for the business (my current role is only based out of North America). Completely distributed sales and distribution channel so opportunity to directly influence commercial outcomes is less but this role is definitely more strategic. My product in this role would be one of 9 products the sales team sells so I would have to “fight for shelf space” so to speak. Admittedly, this role comes with politics and stakeholder management, which I kind of think as the “price of admission” for moving up the ranks in a large public company. Role includes more travel – although I don’t’ know how much more at this point.
    Total revenues: 125% of current product
    3 year historic growth: 3-5% (projected to be flat this year)
    New direct manager has a tough but solid reputation as a manager. Is known to have high quality standards but also extremely supportive of his people. Is seen as rising star among the C-suite (more so than my current direct manager) and also reports into “P”

    My personal details:
    Currently have one 4-yr old kid
    DH and I are thinking about having another in the next year or two
    DH is also in a management job with long hours and is VERY supportive of me applying to this new job
    Current manager is great about my flex schedule – I work from home every Friday, have a slightly adapted schedule to accommodate day care hours, and routinely work from home/remotely to manage things as they come up
    While I haven’t confirmed with the new manager yet, I think he would be open to the same schedule

    The new manager is encouraging me to apply for the new role and I’m planning to. What questions should I be prepared to ask in the ensuing interviews and what risks do I need to preempt or mentally prepare myself for? (For example, would you find out about the travel component and flex schedule BEFORE you apply, or during the interview process?)

    Thanks in advance. I really appreciate it.

    1. Take the interview. It’s obviously a much better job. Rejecting it is placing yourself on the mommy track. Talk travel and flex time later- after an offer or at least once you’re mutually talking details.

      Ask about the business. What resources can you get? What kinds of flexibility will you have?

    2. Don’t forget to look beyond your company’s immediate organisation structure to assess its competitors for the new product. Is your product competitive in the market place and on what basis (price, brand, proprietary technology etc), how do your competitors compete (price, size of sales force, marketing campaigns etc) ? What needs to happen with your product for it to improve its appeal to the current customers of competitor X, Y and Z ? What is your management team’s track record with supporting change eg. investment budgets, personnel change, if sales get worse before they get better ?

      Thinking this through will enable you to make a better call on whether you can succeed in the new role, and potentially to be a better candidate who can articulate how she is going to address strategic goals and what she needs from her boss and other stakeholders within the company.

    3. What do you WANT to do? Sounds like predictable vs. risk. Do you feel like a risktaker? Are you willing to roll the dice?

      Your family planning implies you would prefer to remain where you are. More travelling sounds tough especially if you’re going to have another baby. Do you feel like you “should” be moving up?

  3. I’m really looking forward to the week between Christmas and New Years where I intend to hibernate and hopefully read at least a couple great books.

    Anything you’ve read recently that you would highly recommend? I love fiction (not really sci-fi or fantasy but I’ll consider it if it’s highly endorsed). I also like non-fiction but nothing too dense for holiday reading.

    Thanks all!

    1. My favorites that I read this year:
      Judy Blume – In the Unlikely Event and Summer Sisters
      Just Mercy
      Make Your Home Among Strangers
      The Secrets of Happy Families
      Brene Brown
      Gretchen Ruben
      The Girl on the Train

    2. So I know you said not sci fi or fantasy, but The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss is an absolutely fantastic book. I’ve recommended it to non-fantasy reader friends and it’s gotten rave reviews from everyone.

      1. I think I’m the only person in the world who disliked that book. It was entertaining enough, but the main character got on my last nerve–he was such a f*ckup but would magically be saved from the consequences of his (moronic) actions by his natural brilliance/talent/charm, and, IDK, the having-of-the-p*n*s. And I did not buy the love interest at all–seriously the dictionary definition of a manic pixie dream girl who only existed in terms of Mr. Perfect.

        I still might read the second one, because Rothfuss is a talented storyteller and people keep raving about it. Would be interested in hearing from someone who’s read it if that dynamic ever changed.

        1. I thought the second book was much worse on all of those things – it actually made me retroactively dislike the first book by calling my attention to how annoying the main character is.

        2. You are not the only one. I thought it was a tedious mash-up knockoff of a number of (better) books, including A Wizard of Earthsea and Gene Wolfe’s Book of the New Sun. The love interest was, to your point, total geek-guy wish-fulfillment. Ugh.

          I read it the same year that I read Richard K. Morgan’s The Steel Remains, and I wish everyone who bought the The Name of the Wind had bought and read that instead.

          1. My theory is that the love interest is working for the bad guy (and always has been) and is following the main character to spy on him. If in the 3rd book that turns out not to be the case I will be retroactively super-annoyed at her characterization.

        3. Cool yall, thanks for validating my dislike. Crossing the second one off the list and adding The Steel Remains.

          I will also offer Robin Hobb’s extensive body of work to anyone who likes fantasy, has not yet read it, and enjoys fully-formed female characters. They’re doorstoppers but fly by.

    3. Some books I’ve enjoyed lately:

      The Last September – Nina de Garamont
      The Good Girl – Mary Kubica
      In a Dark, Dark Wood – Ruth Ware
      The Weight of Blood – Laura McHugh
      Station Eleven – Emily St. John Mandel
      The Girl You Left Behind – Jojo Moyes
      Big Little Lies & The Husband’s Secret – Liane Moriarty

      I started on the Outlander series earlier this year and I’m now on Drums of Autumn.

    4. Here are some of the books I enjoyed this year:
      A Window Opens
      In the Language of Miracles
      The Girl on the Train
      Luckiest Girl Alive
      Alys, Always
      The Half Brother
      Confessions
      Girl at War
      Boy, Snow, Bird
      The Children’s Crusade
      Re: Jane
      Reunion: A Novel
      Unbecoming

    5. Strongly second Make Your Home Among Strangers and also How to Leave Hialeah
      Station Eleven
      On Such a Full Sea
      The Warmth of Other Suns
      Trigger Warning
      The Train to Crystal City
      Rogue Lawyer

      The Martian has come to me strongly recommended but by people who say if you’re going to both see the movie AND read the book, you should actually see the movie first.

    6. Some books I really enjoyed this year (all published in the last year or two):
      What I Had Before I Had You
      Landline
      Everything I Never Told You
      Big Little Lies
      The Royal We
      Yes Please
      China Dolls
      The Vacationers
      Luckiest Girl Alive

      1. A huge +1 to Landline – I recently read most of Rainbow Rowell’s books and I really recommend them all!

        1. I also enjoy Rainbow Rowell. Elinore & Park was fantastic – totally took me back to high school!

    7. Fiction: Christopher Moore. Lamb is semi-seasonal, Fool is one of my favorite books ever. Most of my other favorite fiction books do fall under the “fantasy/scifi” umbrella, so I can’t really rec those :P
      Non-fiction: Mary Roach. “Solid scientific writing” and “freaking hilarious prose” do not often go in the same sentence, but she does both effortlessly. Bonk is my favorite but more than a little NSFW, Stiff is NSFW in a very different way, Six Feet Over is a lot more esoteric.

      1. I think you sum up Mary Roach’s style pretty well :) I just finished Packing for Mars last night – quite a thorough discussion of sex and elimination in space.

    8. Not super-recent, but I recommend Code Name Verity to everyone! I haven’t read anything recently that’s blown me away, but will be following this thread closely :)

    9. My top three of the year so far:

      Operation Mincemeat
      The Boys in the Boat
      Station Eleven.

    10. Can’t overstate how much I love Oryx and Crake, by Margaret Atwood. It’s an immersive, tightly paced story set in a post-apocalyptic world, very creative and very thoughtful. I am sure someday it will be made into a movie too.

      1. YES. The whole trilogy is wonderful.

        A few others:
        Being Mortal
        The Prize
        Elena Ferrante Neapolitan series
        the Water Knife

        1. Just finished Being Mortal this morning. Such a good book. I want to give it as a gift to everyone in my family but I know that would be weird. “Let’s all read this book about nursing homes and hospice!”

          1. We read this in my book club. I think it would be a great book for family discussions. Too often people are making decisions on incomplete information and inaccurate assumptions. I thought the idea of being able to define what is you want for your baseline “life is still worth living” is hugely important.
            Along those lines, The End of Your Life book club is a great memoir with similar conversational themes.

    11. This is not-serious genre fiction but I have enjoyed the books by J.K. Rowling writing as Robert Galbraith: The Cuckoo’s Calling, The Silkworm, and Career of Evil. If you like murder mysteries you should enjoy them.

    12. The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri
      The Bungalow by Sarah Jio
      Still Alice by Lisa Genova
      The Aviator’s Wife by Melanie Benjamin
      Dept. of Speculation by Jenny Offill
      The Art of Fielding by Chad Harbach

    13. I’m going on vacation next week and am so excited to read the books I’ve been saving. I haven’t read any fiction lately that I’d strongly recommend and the non-fiction has been very niche (about computer hackers) so here is my vacation reading list.

      The 22nd Stephanie Plum book by Janet Evanovich
      The Truth by Neil Strauss (about relationships)
      Going Clear (actually I did read Leah Remini’s memoir Troublemaker recently and enjoyed it)
      Bossypants by Tina Fey (I think I’m the only person who hasn’t read it yet)
      Dark Matter and the Dinosaurs by Lisa Randall
      The Art of Deception by Kevin Mitnick

      I’m not going to finish all of them but I’m planning to start at the top and work my way down. Lots of plane time and a ski trip when I no longer ski means prime reading time.

    15. Fun fact: after my library switched software programs and deleted my “reading list” this summer I had to start over and for kicks created a separate list for recommendations people post here. It already has 71 titles and is my go to list. The ladies here know their literature.

        1. I’d have to figure out how since it is saved on the libraries website. Suggestions?

  4. Yay! Ellen Tracy color block! This is pretty!

    As for the OP, you have a decision to make. Stay where you are which will allow for more babies, or transfer where you will really have to work and may not have time for more babies. Personally I would go for #1. You are already working and having Friday’s off is great. If you go for #2 you will be away to much and your hubby might get lonely. FOOEY ON THAT!!

    I say #1 because once you have another child you should not have to work at all. YAY!!

  5. For all tax questions, we love Abby at choice tax solutions dot com. She has answered tons of planning questions. When she does our taxes in the spring she always provides advice at that time as well.

    1. This is not a CPA firm – there’s no bio information on the ‘professionals’ other than to say they can practice before the IRS (so someone there is an EA, but there’s no requirement for anything further). Its good if you are happy with them, but to buffybot and the others looking for a tax advisor, I would recommend going to a CPA. The training, continuing education requirements, and exam to become certified really do make a difference in the types of issues they are qualified to handle.

      1. Seconding the recommendation to only trust a CPA with your taxes. “Practicing before the IRS” is not a professional designation, as all it means is that they filed the information return to be considered a preparer. It just consists of their basic info, and literally anyone can file it.

  6. Needed: Christmas gift suggestion for a single male friend (early 30s) who just bought his first home. I did a traditional housewarming present a couple of months ago (Bread so you will never be hungry, salt so life will always have flavor, a candle so you’ll always have light, etc), so that’s been done. Any other ideas for a new house type gift? Wrinkle is that he doesn’t drink, so my default of a bottle of “something good” is out.

    1. Price range? You could do a French Press or some other coffee contraption, a Soda Stream, a nice throw, coasters with whatever he’s into on them, a potted plant if he’s into that (Ikea has really awesome xmas tree type shrubs, very easy to care for), fun mugs, a drill or some other tools or tool box, book(s) on home repair, a globe, a light up globe ….

      1. Under $50ish. Love all these ideas and may do a couple of them! Any suggestions on great home repair books?

        1. Home Depot has a great series called “____ 1..2..3..”, where “____” is plumbing, or wiring, etc. If you are OK with used copies, there are usually a bunch on Amazon for cheap, so you can put together a bunch of them for a nice, under $50, gift. Nothing much changes from edition to edition, so the older ones are just as useful as the new ones. We have done a ton of diy renovations on our 1904 home using these books. They are great. If his house is an older one, a subscription to This Old House is a nice gift too.

    2. This may seem ridiculous, but I got bluetooth speakers for my shower a few months ago and I loveeee it! Nothing better than having real music to sing along to as I shower. They come in a range of prices.

      1. Do you have a favorite brand? I’ve been using the old “put the phone in the bathroom sink” trick but I’d love to get a speaker!

        1. Bose Soundlink Mini. Love it. I got it for free when I traded in a cell phone. It is pricey but so worth it.

    3. I was also going to suggest a nice throw or coasters.

      – Maybe a bunch of little items – nice kitchen or bathroom towels, kitchen gadgets/utensils, cookbook, fancy soap
      – Gift basket with coffee, good cheese, nuts, crackers (not really house-related, but I always enjoy food gifts!)
      – Nice glasses or coffe mugs
      – A gift card to Lowes, Bed Bath & Beyond, Container Store – you could incldue it with another item in case you don’t want to do just the gift card

    4. Depending on where you are, a snow shovel may be a gift he will soon appreciate.

      Holiday themed hand towels for the guest bathroom. (Bonus points if you get some for multiple holidays throughout the year.)

    5. If he likes plants, something like an aloe plant or a jade plant in a nice planter would be something low-maintenance that he might not get for himself.

      Tea towels are a great gift and there are some really cute/hilarious ones on etsy.

      One of my friends always gives snow shovels and rakes as new-house gifts, especially when people have just moved from an apartment. In the same vein, a nice hose is around your price point and is very handy to have.

    6. If he doesn’t have one – a fire extinguisher. If it is somewhere that gets lots of snow, in addition to the snow shovel, get some ice melt as well. I usually order it off Amazon so I don’t have to lug it from the store.

      1. Love this. My go-to housewarming gift is a can of Raid, an air mattress, and a bottle of sparkling wine.

  7. Anybody else have issues with winter tights leading to an increase in UTIs? Any suggestions for how to combat the issue?

    1. This correlation is likely coincidental.

      Are you sweating a lot? But again, this shouldn’t cause UTIs.

      You could use a small feminine pad.

      Try a few simple methods for avoiding UTIs. Our favorites are drinking drinking drinking (the best). VitC 1000mg, and increase if you feel symptoms coming on. If your UTIs are usually E. Coli, try D-mannose (can buy on Amazon). You could try cranberry tablets, although the evidence isn’t great for this.

    2. Thigh highs or stockings and garter belts. And wear full coverage cotton panties. Those hanky panky thongs are a UTI welcome mat.

    3. Watch your sugar intake. I used to get UTI’s frequently and my doctor advised me that juice and a cookie was too sugary for an afternoon snack. I switched to something less sugary and they went away. This time of year there are tons of sugary treats around, and you may getting too much sugar. Agree with the cotton panties.

    4. You might also try going up a size. I’m a solid size medium in clothes, but I buy size C/Q in tights

    5. No, but make sure your tights aren’t too tight, that they have that breathable crotch thingie, that you’re wearing cotton underwear with them and washing both after each wear. Maybe that will solve the problem. If not, talk to your doctor. It could be the tights are just a coincidence.

    6. I feel like a lot of these suggestions are confusing yeast infections with UTIs. UTIs are caused by bacteria traveling up the urethra. The bacteria usually comes from the poopal area (gross I know but true) so yes, thongs are huge culprits. But I’m not clear on how tights would do that, unless you’re wearing them commando and they have a seam kind of like a thong, up in all your business and so forth.

      The advise to drink lots of liquids is good. You want to flush out the urethra as often as possible. Holding your pee for too long can be a problem too – maybe the winter connection is because you don’t want to get up out of bed to pee in the middle of the night when it’s cold.

      I suggest reading up on what the causes of UTIs are. I used to be plagued with them but educating myself has made all the difference.

    7. I have a comment in moderation because I guess I used too many potty words but basically, some of the advice you’re receiving is for yeast infections, not UTIs. Do some reading online – there is lots of good info out there.

    8. I don’t have that issue, but my mom does with them and yeast. You can get cr*tchless tights at places like VS or cut out the cotton gusset on your current ones – pain the seam with clear nail polish. For UTIs you might also benefit from taking D-Mannose.

    9. If you’re having recurring ones, drink so much water. I love the D-mannose, too. Take that, then drink even more water. You should basically never not be drinking water. At least that’s how I cured my recurrent ones. Wearing tights all the time didn’t have an impact, though.

    10. If this is a new problem, it’s worth seeing a urologist. I thought I was having an issue caused by spin bikes, but turns out I have a kidney stone.

    11. no, and I wear tights or leggings at least 3 days a week in the winter. I also do not wear underwear under them but I know this is a divisive issue.

      1. Thank you, I was beginning to think I was the only one not wearing multiple layers of undergarments under my clothes.

  8. Thanks for all the great cookbook ideas yesterday! I now have a bunch to add to my wish list, as well as good ideas for giving.

  9. Does anyone have a recommendation for a single-serve coffee brewer? I’m getting one for DH to use at his office. Are there any that work both with pods and without pods?

    1. I have a Tassimo which I love. Unlike the others available in my market (Nespresso, Dolce Gusto I think, Senseo – we don’t have Keurig in the UK) it doesn’t require fresh milk as the milk is pasteurised and sealed into the pods.

      1. A few more thoughts – there are SOME (but not all) Senseo machines which allow you to put ground coffee in instead of a coffee pod. There are also empty reusable pods available for Nespresso which are designed for filling with your own ground coffee.

      2. I love my Tassimo as well. It is especially good for making fancier drinks, but it isn’t my favorite for regular coffee (though it does work) because there are significantly fewer pod options than Keurig. But I really prefer the functionality of it with the barcode scanner and find it nice to have steamed milk without using a milk frother.

    2. I have a Keurig at home, and use it with our own ground coffee. I would definitely recommend it to others. But, not all Keurig models allow you to use your own coffee, so you’ll need to do some research.

    3. We recently replaced our dying Keurig with a Bunn MyCafe. We love it! You can brew with K cups, pods, ground coffee beans, tea bags, or loose tea by switching out the brewing module. It takes up less space on the counter than our Keurig did, although I lost a little drawer space to the modules. It doesn’t have a tank, so you pour in however much water you need for that cup fresh right before brewing. We’ve been buying beans and grinding them and have been very pleased with the coffee. My only complaint is that our travel mugs don’t fit. We solved that by getting a stainless steel frothing pitcher and brewing into that, then pouring into our travel mugs. The pitcher has measurements inside, so it’s also great for filling the machine (less messy than pouring water from a mug).

      2. An Aeropress doesn’t make you a snob. It just means you have good taste.

  10. SO and I are in the early stages of wedding planning. SO wants to be involved, but we’re not sure how best to divvy up the tasks in a way that plays to our strengths.

    In our general household division of labor, I’m better at tasks that need to be done on a schedule (washing the sheets every week) and realizing when things need to be done (gee the bathroom is looking dirty). SO isn’t great at either of these things, but is great at investigating things that don’t need to be done on a strict/fast-approaching timeline, like figuring out our vacations. He also handles the tasks that you can’t help but notice when they need to be done, like taking out the trash or doing dishes.

    For right now, I’m spearheading the tasks that need to be done soon, before everything else can be figured out (mostly the venue so far). He’s suggested he can handle things like hotel blocks and the registry, when it comes time for that. Otherwise, we’re not sure how to divvy up planning so that minimizes tension, but still we both feel involved in the process. I know many of you have planned or are planning weddings recently–any suggestions would be appreciated!

    1. If he can find hotels, he can find venues. You actually don’t need to do that right now. And why wouldn’t you be working together?

    2. What do you each care about? My husband cared about food, drinks, cake, and reception music. (Which I think is pretty typical for a lot of grooms.) He did not care one tiny bit about flowers, ceremony music, invitations, color scheme, guest book, other extras (e.g., I bought a basketful of cheap flip flops for the women to change into if their evening shoes were too uncomfortable for dancing). So we mostly just each focused on what we cared about. Although honestly I did the lion’s share of the planning but, in line with my comment yesterday re emotional labor, that was fine with me because I just cared more about a lot of the details than he did.

      1. This was our approach too. He really cared about the photographer so he focused on that. I cared about the food and cake so that was my thing. We watched picked our own outfits, although he did ask for my opinion on his.

        We went to all the meetings together and made the big decisions together. I scheduled them to all take place within a few days of each other when we were in town. We saw the photographer, cake tasting, food tasting, and rentals all at once.

        I planned the pretty stuff and he planned our fairly complicated honeymoon. We did our playlist together. Ultimately I think we spent about the same amount of time on things although he credits me with putting together the entire wedding. Ours was pretty simple though. 70ish people in my parents backyard.

        Definitely skip altogether or don’t stress to much about the stuff you don’t care about. You don’t need any of those things. Just remove them from your to do list or make a quick decision about it and move on.

    3. Have him plan the honeymoon. In addition to hotel blocks, he could also put together welcome bags for out of town guests with local recommendations.

        1. It can be. Our honeymoon planning involved booking ground transportation, flights, hotels, events there and passports. Guest hotels took hours of phone calls.

        2. For people who consider trip planning fun, it’s none of the hard work. I would never have planned the whole wedding and then let my husband have all the fun of planning the honeymoon. But a lot of people find coordinating travel logistics overwhelming and stressful. If it’s another annoyance on OP’s to-do list, why shouldn’t she push it off on him?

    4. Make a list of everything that needs to be done. Some things, like venue, are major decisions that should probably be made together. Many smaller things require a lot of research, price comparison and phone calls – like cakes, florists, photographers, DJs/bands – which can easily be divided based on interest. For all of those, I would divide the research and price comparisons and then get together to make the actual decision. Then the researching person can worry about payment and coordination.
      Once you get down to the little tasks like stuffing invitations, folding programs, and the like, divide based on who is better at what. I can’t fold a paper nicely for the life of me, so DH did all of the program folding, but I could stuff the invitations.

    5. My husband is similar – he’s great at researching but can’t do things on a tight deadline because he feels the need to research every little thing to death. Most of the things he did were not urgent so he had plenty of time. Here’s what he did:

      Booked hotel block
      Found a band and picked music
      Researched credit cards (we charged our venue to a card and go double points because it was “food and beverage”. Paid it off that month but the points from the wedding expenses paid for most of our honeymoon).
      Booked the limo
      Booked the honeymoon
      Alcohol – coordinated with the venue and brought in extra for the tables
      Coordinated with his parents to get their guestlist
      Coordinated with his parents on the rehearsal dinner
      Tuxes – picking and making sure groomsmen got them on time

      He also accompanied me to most other appointments (venue, invites, photo etc) but I did the research & communicated with those vendors.

        1. If you haven’t already and you are in a position to do so, definitely get into the rewards card game while planning a wedding. We paid for our honeymoon almost entirely on points and after we got back we had a ton more points that accrued on expenses paid much closer to the wedding day.

          1. do you suggest any s*te or book that easily explains this? I know there is a lot of money to be made/saved but also, time = money and I get overwhelmed researching it. Would love a simple breakdown of the must-dos when it comes to credit card points for travel / wedding planning / regular life.

          2. I picked up on it through casually keeping up with several blogs. There are always a bunch of posts you can skip but most have a few newbie posts and include the basics in a post fairly often. My favorites are

            The Points Guy
            View from the Wing
            One Mile at a Time

            These guys value travel rewards but cash back can be good (and easier). If you go the travel route, definitely put some thought into which airline (or alliance) you use the most. That will help guide your path.

    6. Thank you all! This is very helpful and definitely gives us a good place to start.

    7. We divvied it up to be about 50/50 effort. The division of labour was based on who cared more/was better placed to take care of it/had time to deal with it when it needed to be dealt with. Honestly, nothing about wedding planning really struck me as something that one of us had fundamentally more skill or aptitude at than the other. We could have drawn tasks out of a hat and it would have been fine. But, for example, my husband is a musician, so he took care of arranging the band and generated the initial list of ideas for our first dance song.

      We ran every significant decision by each other before putting down money. The flip side of that is that neither of us was overly nitpicky or detail oriented about most things.

      Together:
      Venue
      Invitations
      Photographer
      Rings
      Honeymoon

      Him/his family:
      Music
      Colour scheme
      Cake
      Decorations

      Me/my family:
      Flowers
      Drinks
      Food

  11. I would post this on the Moms’ s i t e but I am hoping to also get the insight of moms whose kids are grown . . .

    I have an 8 month old son, my first. When I went back to my BigLaw firm after my maternity leave ended, I was miserable. I couldn’t handle being back at work and moved to an inhouse position. My hours are 9:00-5:00pm M-F. I’ve only been here a month but I like it – I am doing substantive work and I like my co-workers.

    The thing is, I still miss my son ALL DAY every day. I get a pit in my stomach at night when it’s time to go to bed because I know I will have to wake up and go to work and leave my son. When I was on maternity leave, I was desperate to start work but now I dread it. I broke down in tears last night after my son went to bed.

    I work normal hours for great pay and I am incredibly lucky that my parents take care of him while I am at work (and DH works from home while the parents are over, so kiddo is getting lots of love all day). I realize I have it better than most, yet it is still SO HARD. When will it be easier? It seems to be getting harder the older he gets.

    Any words of wisdom? Advice to help me cope? Commiseration? I never thought it would be this hard – how do so many working moms do it?

    1. I am not a mother, so take this with a grain of salt – this is common and it gets better. Many of my friends have had this same experience and while they always miss their child when they are at work, over time they stopped crying every morning when they had to leave their child to go to work.

      I don’t have any coping tips, but hopefully knowing that you are not alone helps a little bit!

    2. On the one hand, it is super common, will get better, and has only been a month. This is just a hard thing and you’ll get through it.

      On the other hand, if your emotions are making it hard to live your life, that’s what therapy is for. I don’t think you absolutely must get help or anything, just that if it really is upsettingly painful, that is a resource.

    3. It’s so hard. Even if everything is great at work and at home, it’s still hard to want to be in two places. Also, you are still recovering. Eight months is less time than it took to grow him, so to speak. It’s normal and okay to feel this way.

    4. Poor you! I empathise as I went through this with both kids. It just takes time. Know that he is loved and cared for in your absence. Can you also try to Skype or FaceTime with him during your lunch break?

    5. I’m a working mom of 2, and I love working. But I’m going to go ahead and say that I don’t think it necessarily just gets easier over time. I think it kind of goes in waves, sometimes easier, sometimes harder again. When the kiddo is a little baby, I found working pretty easy, but the labor of taking care of baby was so physical, without a ton of reward. As baby grows into a toddler, I think it’s actually harder to stay away, because your toddler is so engaging and entertaining and more rewarding to parent. But then when toddler starts school, unless you actually plan to homeschool, then it gets easier again — especially if the kiddo likes school, which hopefully they will. I’m expecting, though, that it will get harder again as the school-age kid gets older, into more activities, and into more situations where I want to be around to give real advice. But I haven’t gotten there yet.

      It is still early for you, and you haven’t been at your new job for very long, so you probably should give it more time. But I don’t want to just write off your feelings by saying it’ll only get easier.

      1. Yes. I’m a working mom of 2 as well, in-house with similar hours to OP. In my experience, it comes in waves. I don’t think its true that it will always get easier to leave. I go through periods where I run out of the house as fast as possible in the mornings and others where I cry leaving. There may be times when you are ok, and something will catch you off guard. When I am in the midst of not wanting to leave and needing more kiddo time, I take time off and try and sneak in as many cuddles at every opportunity. My oldest is in his last year of Pre-K (part-time program with a nanny). Knowing that this is his last year “at home” and with my youngest able to verbalize that she doesn’t want me to leave in the mornings, I am squarely back in the tough area.

    6. Do you think you might be developing some Post-partum depression? Just keep it in mind. Add the darkening winter to it, this can get worse.

      Maybe mention to your OB, and get a happy light to sit next to in the morning while you are eating/drinking coffee or on your desk at work.

      1. I would also add that, on the off chance you’re weaning, the hormones can cause feelings similar to depression.

        1. Hmm….Baby just started eating more solids and sleeping through the night. I still pump at work and do not plan to wean for another 4 or 5 months, but baby is needing less milk… would that have a similar effect?

          1. Talk to your OBGYN as a jumping off point. It could be PPD or weaning hormones, but, as it seems every thread on this site eventually suggests, you should consider speaking to a professional about this.

            There are days when I don’t want to leave my now 5-y/o, but then there are days when I can’t get out of the house fast enough. Be patient and honest with your feelings, and hang in there!

    7. I am not the weepy sort, but I get where you are coming from. They are so sweet when they are little and they change every minute (it seems) and everyone important in your family is around to see this but you (this last part I see as key).

      My children went to day care FT at 4 months and no one saw them all day but their carers. It’s not like the rest of my family was in on the precious (and not precious) moments. It must be hard to walk into your house when you’re a bit of an outsider on the day, I would think.

      Not to worry: mine are 5 and 7 and in a real school all day. It is so opaque! I with I had the transparency of day care where I was in the room twice a day and saw them with their friends and talked to the carers and knew the other parents. In classes of 25 each, I feel like it goes by me in a blur. In your situation, you have good eyes and ears on your baby and a good job — that is fantastic! And the rest is just the perfect being the enemy of the good — maybe you can take a day and stay home, too, or at least enjoy the weekends and holidays together.

      1. Yes, now that we’re in Kindergarten I miss being able to check-in on the daycare spy-cam. Plus we’re at a point where she basically hates recounting her day, so I get very little of the tiny tidbits.

    8. My son is 2.5, and I can attest that it gets better! The first year is so emotional. Your postpartum hormones are still in full swing (x1000 if you are nursing), you’re not sleeping, and babies change so much in that first year that you feel crazy missing out on anything. I also found that if I didn’t have much to do at work during the day, I would feel much worse.

      But it gets better! It took me about 18 months (and weaning) to feel ok with my work-life balance, including being away from him all day. Now he’s 2, and we are in a fantastic groove that includes good mornings, cuddly evenings, fun days at daycare (for him), satisfying days at work (for me), and weekends full of family time. Life is really good right now, and I’m glad I stuck with it through the hard times in the beginning.

    9. It must be wonderful to have your husband and parents home watching your son, but I wonder if that actually makes it harder! You’re the only one who’s not with him all day – they are. And it’s easier to feel left out and jealous than it would be if you were leaving him with a nanny or at daycare.

    10. I think, all things considered, you have a pretty ideal situation. Decent hours, grandparents at home with the young one, DH on “stand by” for parent love.

      If they send you pics during the day, perhaps they need to stop. If they don’t, have them start.

      One thing I did when I really started to miss the kids was take a day (or half day- drop off at daycare around 11) every few weeks to get in extra kid time. Make sure you really maximize your weekends so you get 100% kid time. I also used to leave early once a week to do a quick surprise pickup at daycare and do something fun, like head to the park before dinner.

        2. Outsource anything you can – cleaning, laundry, etc. Find a dry cleaner that delivers. Liberally use Amazon Prime. Get your hair cut on your lunch break. Use after bedtime hours for bills, email etc. My spouse and I usually then trade off weekend naptimes, so you have an hour or two still free there.

        3. Depends how you spend your weekends now. When ours was teeny tiny, I hired a lawn service and we went to the lake while the landscapers mowed. Now, she’s 2 and she goes outside with her little rake and helps us.

          If we grocery shop, i either do it during nap time or bring her with me and make it fun. We take our time, get cheese slices at the deli, maybe (MAYBE) get a balloon if she’s good. We go to the park as a family. I signed her up for weekend dance class and DH and I either both go, or take turns going to dance class with her. When she was 6 months old I did a weekend swim lesson at the YMCA.

          Go on family walks (we used to live near the beach so we did beach walks with coffee on saturdsays once she could walk). As they get older you can do bike rides. Go out to dinner (or pack a park picnic). Go to childrens museums (more crowded on the weekend but still fun!). Go to the zoo. We have a local petting zoo and we went 3x/month this past summer.

  12. Has any superior with whom you work told you to “put your pen down and listen” (i.e., stop taking notes) during a meeting? Before my current job, I never was on the receiving end of that kind of comment. At my current job, multiple male superiors have said this to me in one form or another. For me, taking notes is a useful way to synthesize the information I’m being given. People remember different things in different ways, and use different tools to remember certain things. I take notes to remember assignments and information. What is a professional way to respond to these types of comments?

    1. I don’t know how professional it is, but when the supervising attorney at my first law-firm job out of law school told me I didn’t need to take notes my response was, “Do you want me to remember this and get it done the way you want it to be done? If yes, then I need to take notes.” He never mentioned it again. I have a head injury I can throw into the mix if I need to re: memory loss, but it doesn’t always come to that.

      You could make that more professional by saying something like, “I take notes to remember details and assignments that are discussed throughout the meeting.”

      1. I should add this was a very laid back managing partner, that response would NOT fly in many work situations! Know your office!

    2. I would hate this. I am a visual learner and if I put my pen down and listen, I will take in about half of what I would otherwise. It is presumptuous and shows a lack of understanding about the fact that not everyone works the same way.

      I imagine a sensible way to respond would be something along the lines of ‘thanks, but I find I assimilate information best when I write it down and I don’t want to miss anything’. Or, if it’s necessary to be firmer then something along the lines of what CountC suggests.

    3. Stop taking so many notes. The feedback is that you need to stop looking down and writing and start looking up, making eye contact, and engaging. Absolutely continue to jot down a brief action point or two, but you should not be constantly writing things down in ordinary meetings. When you finish, write yourself a quick note summarizing.

      When you get feedback from multiple people you work for, TAKE IT.

      1. Despite my comment above, I don’t disagree with this advice in the sense that you shouldn’t be taking word-for-word notes and should only be writing down main points. I make it a point to continue to make eye contact even when scribbling. No one needs to read my handwriting but me.

      2. I agree with this. I’ve also found that when I’ve had this said to me, it’s because the speaker knew that the information he was giving was not actually that important to the eventual assignment. It was sort of interesting background info, and I needed to know the general transaction happened, but I did not need to be taking notes on terms ABCDE of it. They’re often telling you to hold off because the important stuff comes later and they don’t want to speak at quarter speed to get through the background info.

      3. Wasn’t there a thread yesterday about “executive presence”? If you’re at the table, you’re part of the team, but if you’re constantly looking down at a notebook, you look like the assistant taking minutes. Maybe work on jotting quick notes, but spend less time on it.

      4. I wonder if that is the feedback though. It may be their preference, but this could also be the feedback because the OP is not seen as assimilating the information and there is a concern she isn’t *really* listening. I agree that writing down everything is bad. I also agree that some people need to write things down to remember them. But it could be there is something more to it than simply making eye-contact every second which I just don’t see as a dealbreaker (though perhaps for some people it is).

      5. All of the points here are certainly well-taken. I very much appreciate the feedback.

        Perhaps I should have been more specific in my original post (not that the following would change anyone’s assessment of the situation). I am a mid-level associate in a law firm. The meetings in which I’ve received these comments are when I am being given assignments. I do not transcribe these meetings. I make a point to make eye contact throughout the meetings. Often, the comments arrive just as I sit down with a pen and notepad. On two occasions (with the same partner), the comment came after I wrote down the date and the fact that I was in a meeting with Partner X. I take notes in meetings with Partner X because he does not like follow-up questions.

        2. You should have the date and who you met with written down before you arrive in partner’s office, or add it after meeting. The partner doesn’t need to sit there while you write that down.
          I would also be annoyed if I saw you start writing, and not looking up and listening to me, before I even started talking about the assignment.

    4. I have been getting this a lot ever since I moved inhouse from the law firm. As a law firm associate, I was never without pen and pad. The business atmosphere is different and I never see the executives taking notes, so I know I need to follow suit. If I were you, I would “put your pend down and listen” and learn to absorb information that way.

      It’s difficult, and I still take notes when conferencing with the GC, but avoid it entirely with the business folks.

    5. Wow, that’s seriously patronizing. Maybe say, with a smile on your face, “I can listen while writing, thanks,” and keep going. I’d be tempted to say something to him later, after cooling off, and one-on-one, but it might not be worth it unless something similar happens again. My sympathies. Oblivious sexists are awful.

      1. I think before jumping to the conclusion that this is patronizing or sexist, the OP needs to consider whether she’s writing down unnecessary information or disengaging to take notes. It sounds like this is a case of trying to write down everything. In most meetings, you should be looking at the person speaking to you and taking more limited notes. I would much rather have someone listen to me, ask questions to clarify, and then write down the important things.

        1. Because superiors are making inferences about her cognitive activity on no evidence. Because they do it publicly. Because the phrasing is a rebuke, as if to a naughty child. If there were actual evidence that OP had a listening problem, wouldn’t a good manager speak directly and concretely to that?

          1. I think the listening problem isn’t on the end of her assimilating information, but rather on her conveying to the speaker that she is alert and engaged, which can be as important as verbal communication in how people perceive you. The fact that multiple people have told her this indicates that she is not acclimated to the culture, and unless she actually has a cognitive difficulty and MUST take notes, she should try to be aware of how other people behave in meetings and try to do as they do. In this case, your supervisors feel like you are being rude to them, and you don’t even try to change what you are doing? That indicates that you are not picking up on come cues there. If need be, practice trying to remember things without writing them down.

    6. If you’ve received the advice from more than one manager, I think you should take it. I infer that you’re taking copious notes like a student in a lecture hall. That is not an executive level way to attend a meeting and not the page you want to convey. Jot the occasional note but otherwise put the pen down and join the meeting. I would give you the same advice if you worked for me.

  13. Hello Hive. I wanted to post a quick update about the situation with my recent BF, the lack of attention/contact/affection, and the hysterical blowout that took place Friday night.

    Well, he eventually did reach out.

    After ignoring me the entire weekend, going out with this bestie on Saturday night, not responding to my call or text, he reappears on Monday evening with a text saying “I’m cool. Do u have ur interview tomorrow?”.

    I chose not to respond because a) he ignored me all weekend and b) this is not an appropriate response to “I love you, I miss you, are u ok?” (which was my last text to him on Sunday).

    Tuesday morning, first thing in the morning, he texts again – “Good luck today”.

    (My interview was moved to Thursday, btw, but this is something he doesn’t know because we haven’t spoken.)

    Since then, I have not heard from him.

    Interestingly, his best friend did email my best friend and asked why he was the last to know that my BF and I are “back on” and wondering if she knew that we were “back on” or if he is really the only one out of the loop. (Note: Friday is the 2nd explosion in 6-7 months. The first was about the exact same behavior and took place at said best friend’s rooftop party back in August, after which he drove in a rage to my house unannounced to drop off my keys, and we didn’t speak for a month, only to get back together and find ourselves in the same spot again 3 months later.) This leads me to believe that for all these months, he has been embarrassed to tell his close friend that we’re back together because he feels somewhat foolish for “taking back” or “pursuing” the girl who went ballistic on him and told him off in front of all his friends. In fact, I believe his choice words were that doing so would make him look like a total punk b*tch. All very interesting – and explains why we hang out with all of his friends and family, EXCEPT the crew of friends who were present at the infamous blowout that summer night.

    I don’t know if he will reach out again, but I’m now feeling like we’re in some kind of game of cat and mouse – where he wants to be chased and wants me to beg for attention or perhaps is still holding onto resentment about how I “embarrased” him and bruised his male pride in front of all his boys – and so that fuels some of the passive aggressive behavior (ie I will call when I want to, I will come over if you ask in a sweet way, etc.) — but as much as it hurts my heart and our good times are intensely good and beneath it all there is this kind man who cuddles me tightly and watches movies on the couch and buys me my favorite cookies and rubs my feet, there is still this side of it and this “price of admission” is definitely too high.

    I think I’m putting my foot down and not responding if he chooses to reach out again.

    Thanks for all the advice. This is really tough and quite a whirlwind.

    1. I don’t know why you want to be involved in this relationship at all. I am not going to rehash the comments/advice you have already gotten, but I cosign everything Wild Kitten has said in previous threads.

      Tell him it’s over and then block his number and change your locks. Get rid of whatever you have of his, including his keys and for the love of everything holy, do not drive over there no matter what he says to you.

      1. Please note, I do not think your behavior up to this point has been acceptable or that you are acting maturely, AT ALL. This is a terrible relationship for both of you, clearly. If he won’t end it, then you need to. Make. It. Stop.

    2. I honestly have read all of your updates with my mouth agape, because this entire relationship seems like it has been a giant dramatic clusterf*ck. Especially now that I hear this is your SECOND huge blowout in the last 6 months, and your friends and his friends are involved.

      This sounds exhausting, and terrible for all involved, including your friends. And honestly, you probably do need some therapy, which I know is overprescribed on this board, because blowing up to that level of crazy TWICE in 6 months is insanity to me. But either way, this guy does not bring out the good in you, and while he’s probably crazy, this whole situation is just drama central.

      1. +1 This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship in which you are growing in the way you need to be, regardless of fault. I’m sure you love him and that he loves you but just because you guys love each other doesn’t mean it’s a good relationship.

        This might come off cold and I don’t mean it to be cold or hurtful but you should strongly consider cutting your losses and moving on, as painful as it might be and work on you for awhile. Then you’ll be in a better position for a relationship with a guy who brings out the best in you in a positive way. If you’re reacting this way there’s something about this relationship that doesn’t make you feel emotionally safe.

        1. “but just because you guys love each other doesn’t mean it’s a good relationship”

          I so needed to hear this and be reminded of this. Thank you.

      2. Yes, I enjoy these updates because it’s like watching a reality show.

        Which means this is definitely not a healthy relationship. Let. It. Go.

        1. +1

          When your relationship provides an amusing schadenfreude reaction for people who are bored during the work day, that’s a red flag.

        2. ….to the original post? :) I also enjoy this like a reality show, which umm…is not a good sign.

          1. ooo, just found it thanks to a downthread comment, and there goes 20 minutes of productivity for me… :)

      3. +1000. This story just keeps getting worse.

        I also agree with the therapy recommendation. You seem really high needs and high drama – whether justified or not, it doesn’t seem like a sustainable way to be.

    3. I think that you’ve been given a second chance after your awful hissy fit. It is upto you to behave like a grown up or like a 5 year old.

      If I were this guy, I’d Run. Away. Now.

      1. Right. And instead of listening to him, respecting him, and behaving like a normal human being you’ve been a crazed jealous possessive stalkerish psycho. And your conclusion is that he is playing games.

      2. Eh yah, but how he’s dealing with it is really immature as well. Seems like he’s just going to pretend it’s all okay when clearly there are issues that IF they wanted to be together need to be resolved. And then when she freaks out again he’ll ignore it and then proceed to talk to her again in a week when he wants attention.

        Both of them seem to have issues- I think you are just not good for each other. I understand how a frustrating person can make you act out in ways you never do otherwise; I have been there. That’s why I dumped those men and went looking for someone who doesn’t make me ragey.

        1. “I can’t see you this weekend I have an emergency.”

          “Omg I love you and I miss you.”

          “I’m ok. How are you? Do you have that interview”

          “Insert aggressive silence here.”

          Not seeing a him problem.

          1. The “him” problem, IMHO, is that this family emergency probably took a few hours on Saturday afternoon.

            Let’s be clear — he was out at the bars with his best friend Saturday night. He went to the gym on Sunday morning and was at the bars again with his best friend watching football all Sunday afternoon.

            His choice to ignore me and not let me know if he was ok, if his nephew was ok, etc. had nothing to do with being trapped in a family emergency. It had to do with choosing to ignore me all weekend – which is what he does. Then resurfaces when he is lonely and wants attention, i.e. Monday night.

            That’s the problem that I see.

          2. I guess what I mean is this guy should dump her because this relationship is so messed up and it’s weird that he’s not and just stringing things along…he’s enabling the behavior by not addressing it other than by silence, IMO.

          4. OP, you need to let this go. He will play this game and drain all your energy. He is not a good man underneath either. Ignoring followed by cuddling is a vicious cycle. It will keep you in the relationship as you think that he loves you because of tiny bit of affection that he shows you but it will be miserable and painful because most of the time he ignores you. Get out of this as soon as possible.
            Also, you need to recognize your issues. You should not be getting so angry and blow up in rage especially in front of his friends/family or even strangers. It does too much harm to any relationship. As all of us recommended to you before, you really need to discuss this with a therapist and fix your issues before getting into a new relationship.

    4. What is wrong with you? Seriously. He had a family emergency. When it was over he reached out. You ignored him. He reached out again. You ignored him. Why would you have heard from him again? Since yesterday morning when you ignored him?

      You apparently had a crazy blowup months ago. And
      he isn’t the one playing cat and mouse. You are. You are the one playing stupid games.

      You don’t seem to be connected to the reality of your own behavior at all.

      2. While I agree with all of this, I worry the OP will take it to mean that the relationship is a good one, and she is the problem. OP, that is NOT TRUE. This is NOT the relationship for you. Regardless of who might be “right” or “wrong” in the scenarios you have posted, this man is NOT the man for you. This relationship is NOT the relationship for you. GET THE F##K OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP. Exactly as said above, text him that it’s over, block his number/email address/f@cebook/instagr@m/everything you two use to communicate, change your locks, and get yourself into therapy. If you don’t think you need therapy, print out what you’ve posted here, give it to the therapist, and say, “I’m here because internet strangers told me to be here, based on these posts.” Good luck.

        1. Let’s just pretend I wrote all of this, please.

          Seriously – I feel like the discussions of all of OP’s posts seem to get derailed by the who’s right/who’s wrong debate, and really, at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter – these are two people who are spectacularly failing at communicating with each other around each of their needs and wants in a healthy and reasonable way, and which one of them is “at fault” in any given scenario OP might post isn’t really relevant. The problems OP is experiencing ARE NOT solvable by her changing particular behaviors in some specific way – the problems are deep and run on both sides, and OP, I could not agree more with the recommendation that you seek therapy to figure out how you ended up here. It isn’t just your relationship that’s unhealthy – it’s your entire approach to/understanding of your relationship that’s skewed and unhealthy (and that, to me, means that these problems are only going to pop up for you again if you don’t get to the root of why you think and act the way you do).

        2. Co-signed. There’s a lot of blame for you on here – that’s not necessarily fair, I think he deserves some blame too, but the bottom line is ****this is not good for either of you****. Each update you’ve posted has made this worse and worse, which now makes me think there is even more you may not be telling your random internet friends here. Help both of you, end this, and find a better guy. One who can appreciate you and make you your better self. And he’ll find a doormat who doesn’t need as much from him (that’s not the nicest thing I can say, but that has gotten me through assorted breakups of my own).
          TLDR: It’s not all your fault, but still, move on.

        3. This this this to the one millionth power.

          Also, I hate all the “go to therapy” commentary. Maybe OP needs therapy, maybe she doesn’t. But just because some narcissistic douchebag makes her upset, feel defensive, and act out doesn’t mean she has a psychological issue.

          1. I think your understanding of therapy is kind of faulty – it’s not a bad or shameful thing, and it doesn’t mean you have a “psychological issue,” it means there’s some pattern of behavior/thought that’s dragging you down and that you’d like to change. Here, even if her reaction is totally reasonable given narcissistic d-ebag’s behavior, there’s STILL the issue of why she continued to stay with him and make excuses for him and for her own (unhealthy, unproductive) reactions to him, instead of just dumping him the first time he acted like a narcissistic d-bag. Someone who stays in a relationship that has exploded into screaming hysteria on multiple occasions, and who doesn’t seem to grasp that “occasional screaming hysteria” is not part of a healthy relationship, clearly needs help sorting that out.

            Therapy’s not always about “fixing” an “issue,” sometimes it’s just about getting some professional assistance with expanding your own emotional/interpersonal/etc. skills in a way that improves the overall quality of your life.

          2. Perhaps fair enough Kitten, but it is not for everyone and I just don’t know if people on the Internet who don’t even know the poster should be throwing it out there willy nilly. That being said, I have only had one person tell me I “need” therapy-my ex that is basically the same as the narcissistic d-bag she is dealing with. It could be why I find it borderline insulting. Even my oncologist suggested therapy as an option for dealing with any emotional issues surrounding cancer treatment and recovery-not as a necessity.

    5. Just…. STOP.

      End it.

      Let the poor man go.

      Take a vacation after your interview.

      Get a therapist…

      2. Definitely. And I think it might be a troll imitating the the first poster – the facts are totally different.

        1. Actually, I think it’s the same person and not a troll, just a dramaqueen. I think she tried to exonerate him and herself in the first telling and gets successively more angry with each telling so more of the true story comes out.

          1. Agreed. If she told the whole truth at the beginning people might not have been as sympathetic. We all know people like this.

    7. If you have decided the best course is to end the relationship, the mature thing to do would be call him and calmly/nicely/briefly tell him it isn’t going to work out, not just ignore him until he figures out you’re ghosting him.

    8. Or you could be a grown-up and take responsibility for this relationship and your part in it and tell him “This time apart has given me some time to think and I don’t believe the dynamics of our relationship are healthy for either of us. You’re a great person but you’re not my person. Let’s both move on.” Not responding at all leaves too much opportunity for the “cat and mouse” game to continue, and I’m not convinced that is not your goal.

      2. Yup. This weekend, when I am totally calm and not working, I will call and say exactly that and stop this cold turkey. Full stop. The end.

        Thanks all.

        2. And then, please unfriend/block on FB and block his number from your phone. I’m a big proponent of a clean break in almost all cases, but especially this one. This relationship has already proven to have too much potential to suck you both back in.

    9. Lady, I’ve also been reading all your updates and I’m the poster who described the “price of admission” concept in response to your last update. I’m glad to see that you are exploring that concept. I’d also like to add that, in addition the fact that you don’t get to see this person as often as you’d like, the other price of admission to this relationship is that you both appear to bring out terrible characteristics in the other person- irrespective of fault. That is a HUGE issue and a HUGE price of admission, too. For that reason alone, again, irrespective of fault, you two owe it to yourselves and each other to leave each other alone.

      It’ll hurt for a while. It’s hard to see it now, but that pain will fade. And you’ll be happy that you’re not tormenting each other anymore.

    10. Waaaay too much drama. What I’ve found striking about relationships that lead to happy marriages is that they are shockingly low on drama. After years of relationships that were ambiguous or on again/off again, or otherwise stressful, the ones that have stuck — mine included, as well as most of my friends’ — were the ones that just worked. No agonizing. No wondering if he’ll call. No long chats with friends dissecting texts or emails. None of that.

      1. Yup, agreed. In fact, my strongest predictor that one of my girlfriends is headed toward marriage with an SO is that she *doesn’t* spend that much time talking about the person when we chat (other than sort of ordinary-course, “We’re going to his parents’ on the the weekend”/”Any suggestions on what I should I get her for her birthday?”/”SO and I getting people together for a picnic – want to come?” stuff).

        1. Yes! Exactly! I’ve been able to call it for the last two friends of mine who got married, and a good friend of my husband’s seems to be very clearly on the marriage path with his latest girlfriend. The S.O. is just sort of part of the person’s life without question and without examination.

      2. Yes! When you are in a dramatic relationship it starts to seem normal. You make excuses, and you tell yourself things like “our good times are intensely good and beneath it all there is this kind man who cuddles me tightly and watches movies on the couch and buys me my favorite cookies and rubs my feet,” and you rationalize your own bad behavior and his bad behavior because OMG you are such passionate people or whatever.

        And then you get out, and you get a lot of therapy, and you realize that it’s not normal at all. Normal people in normal relationships don’t have screaming fights in public, and they don’t drive over to one another’s houses to scream at each other, and they don’t play crazy games like ignoring and telling you you’re not asking for what you want in the right way. And a person who is horrible to you sometimes is not a kind person underneath.

        If it’s the right relationship, it should be easy. And good Lord, woman! What you have described is the exact opposite of that.

        I do not think you should call him because I don’t think you have the capacity to stick to a breakup script on the phone. I think you should text him one more time: “I’m fine but we are over and I will not be contacting you again.” Then block his number, change your locks, and get yourself to a therapist posthaste.

    12. I’m kind of laughing… I read the update (on Monday’s post)… you got mad at him for being tired after work and drove to his house and banged on his door? That’s ridiculous behavior for a grown person. It sounds like he’s still trying to be human to you but you don’t need to put him through all this. I agree you should sever. And raise your standards, buying you cookies is not how you judge a lifetime partner.

      1. I’m concerned that you know everything he did all weekend after he couldn’t see you. That is a serious red flag that you are getting into stalker territory. You shouldn’t be checking his whereabouts on social media or via your friends or anything like that.

        1. Haven’t asked and we don’t do social media.

          I mentioned that his friend emailed my best friend and in that exchange said they hung out both days and went out for drinks. That’s why I know.

          Quite frankly, the bottom line for me is that I bottle up all these emotions on a daily basis (feeling alone, not appreciated, taken for granted, etc.) and it has led to outbursts 2x in the past 6-7 months. First was instigated by a comment about “I don’t miss you when I don’t see you for a week.” and the second by the whole “I’m too tired to come see you.”. I get that out of context, both could be seen as innocuous but when you factor in my state of mind, my constant feeling of neglect, and all the stuff I keep inside for fear of rattling him or getting him angry, then maybe both outbursts make a little bit of sense if you think of a cup that is running over.

          All in – this isn’t who I am and I’ve never felt this way in any other relationship ever nor have I been pushed to act this way in any other relationship ever. Never felt alone or unappreciated. Never felt I was constantly getting indirectly dissed or subtly insulted. But with him, I do.

          And so like all of you have said — I don’t care anymore who’s right or wrong, but I do care that I don’t feel good or happy or even loved in this relationship so it’s time to go and be myself again without him.

          1. Nope. Outbursts as you have described here are not okay for adults. You can be upset, absolutely, but having the kind of outburst you are describing is not an emotionally mature or health way to react no matter how another person is treating you. Just no.

            You really need to figure out why you are bottling things up (if you don’t feel comfortable talking to others in a mature way, then you need to work on that), why you have these outbursts and how to avoid them in the future, how to distinguish between a healthy and unhealthy relationship, and really get your emotional health in order before you try to be in a relationship with anyone. It will go so much better and cause WAY less stress and drama for you.

        2. I don’t bottle things up anywhere else in my life.

          I bottle things up in this relationship to avoid him getting upset, shutting down, walking away, hanging up the phone, telling me I’m bothering him and he’s busy, or (my favorite) getting angry and then ignoring me for several days because “I’m always complaining about the same thing” and “what else is he supposed to do with his time except work”.

          I don’t bottle up because I can’t communicate (I’m a publicist – I communicate all day). I bottle up because talking to him like a civilized adult and laying out the issue and how I feel falls on deaf ears and leaves me feeling even worse and even more hurt than when I began speaking in the first place.

          What I realize is how incredibly toxic this is and crazy unfair and one-sided and how I’ve gotten to a place where I’m trying to please him and function by his rules – which has driven me to the point of hysteria and I’m not a hysterical person.

          Bottom line —– thanks to everyone who’s replied (harsh or kind) because it has helped bring me back to reality and see this for the telenovela/reality TV show that it has become.

          1. I know what you are saying. I have been somewhat in your situation. Even though most of the posters are putting the blame squarely on you, I see how he is pushing your buttons and make you act like the way you did. Once you blow up, everything becomes your fault and all discussion is about how you acted in rage (like what is happening here) and not about what pushed you to that point.

            As you have correctly recognized, this relationship is toxic. You are so scared of him which should not be the case. This is not unique to you. This is the same situation for any one who starts a relationship with narcissistic person, they just end up in an abusive relationship, feeling worthless, trying to please the partner and hopelessly failing in the process, blaming themselves and hoping that only if they could be a better person, things would turn around. Reality is things will never turn around. Your priority is to take care of your self and your mental and physical health. So end this relationship ASAP and take some time for yourself. Next time, make sure the person respects you , you are no scared of him , you both can communicate freely and there is no drama.

          2. Good Lord. You have been acting like a crazy woman, but I know all too well how behavior like that can make one crazy. Any one of those behaviors should have been a deal-breaker the first time it happened.

            Please break it off and really — get a lot of therapy to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

          3. I agree with August. It is a problem of a classic narcissist. I was thinking about that when reading the rest of your posts. Run!

          4. Like I said, been in this situation. I would feel like he could not be a civilized adult, and then he turned it around me and told me basically the same things. If you hadn’t have said he was Latin, I would have sworn your d-bag and my ex-d-bag were one in the same person. Get out before it spirals out of control even more.

            I am still embarassed about things I did in that relationship, including things I said and did to my dear family and friends.

    14. You should be a mature adult, call him up (or text him if you can’t do it rationally), and end it. I’m sure it’s hard to get perspective right now, but do you really want to be engaged in some dumb silent treatment standoff/ghosting war/whatever this is? Step back and think about how this behavior would look coming from anybody else. It seems insane, right?

  14. I’m not sure how I think about this dress. It’s nice, but I do immediately have the Thunderbirds theme in my head.

  15. Need the hives second opinion….

    Friday, I was in an in-house training class. During the class, the presenter (internal) was talking about how you can’t change a persons behavior and said something along the lines, and intended as joke “unless you take the Bill Cosby approach”.

    Totally inappropriate, in my opinion. Would you say something or let it go? If I said something, it would be along the lines of “I’m sure you didn’t mean it to come across as you…..”

    2. I would drop it. I assume he meant it to be a joke, and it wasn’t funny, not that he actually meant that drugging people is an acceptable or that rape is okay.

      1. No, I would say something. Rape is not an acceptable topic for a joke in your personal life, but it is completely inappropriate and offensive in your professional life.

        1. It’s also fine with me if she wants to say something. I don’t know why this joke is different from the Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Cosby jokes, but you’re right that the difference is telling a joke at the Golden Globes vs. telling a joke at work.

          I’d be far more upset with someone saying that rape is okay, or that cosby didn’t rape people, or that its the women’s fault, that by saying the only way to control people against their will is to illegally drug them (which is wrong). That last line doesn’t offend me – it’s just also not very funny, like many attempted jokes.

          1. Well, this is somebody joking about rape being okay. Yes, it’s not funny, but it’s also not a subject that should be joked about because that minimizes the seriousness of rape in a world that already has a hard time taking it seriously. And definitely doesn’t belong in the workplace.

            If it’s the only instance of this kind of thing from this guy, I might let it go, or mention it to him in private. If it’s part of an on-going thing, I’d be more inclined to speak up in the moment with a “Please pick another analogy”.

          2. Ah, I didn’t get the impression that the trainer was actually saying it was an acceptable alternative. If so, Rose should absolutely say something. I thought it was more of an “with a gun to their head” statement, where the trainer is making a joke that falls flat, not actually suggesting people be held hostage.

    3. I would say something. Because people carry on thinking “Well nobody said anything so it must be okay.” Say something.

  16. Waiting right this moment to meet with my boss and ask for a raise! Wish me luck.

  17. I have a direct report who isn’t a strong writer. She consistently uses poor grammar and sentence structure in her emails, making her messages confusing and hard to read. It concerns me, especially because she’s client-facing and I don’t want clients to form a negative impression of her based on how she communicates via email. How can I go about helping her improve her grammar and writing skills? FWIW, she’s in her late 20’s and I get the sense that no one has brought it to her attention before (I know for certain that her previous manager never addressed it with her). I’m also a new manager, so I want to approach this the right way.

    1. I’ve dealt with this in the past. I had a direct report who was bright and hard-working, but absolutely mangled the English language, especially in writing. I worked with him to develop his communication skills, which was a lot of work. Mostly, I had him send me drafts of important emails for about six months, and we would review together and discuss revisions before he sent them out. His writing improved significantly enough that I could stop micromanaging it.

      Does your organization have a training program? If so, there may be coursework available.

      1. Unfortunately, my company is too small to offer training programs, but maybe I can see about getting support to send her to an external writing course of some kind.

        How did you go about approaching this topic with your direct report? How did you let him know that this was an area he needed to work on and that you needed to be review some of his written correspondence before it was sent out?

    2. Can she take a class in business writing? I think that because we use writing for so many things now (email, chat) we need to have two styles of writing, one for social and one for business.

      1. +1. I would be thrilled if I’d had a manager who sought out appropriate professional development opportunities for me.

  18. Wondering how many attorneys here have changed their field?

    I have been practicing for three years and hate litigation. I have wanted to do Trusts & Estates work for a long time but litigation is where I ended up. Recently I found a position for T&E for attorneys with no experience and does not require an LLM. I am 100% willing to start from the bottom and learn, though I am hoping my experience practicing as an attorney in any field will be a competitive asset. Thoughts on switching? I can see how I have put three years into this but at the same time, I’m also still at the beginning of my career and still a baby attorney. Would love to hear from T&E attorneys here, if there are any, about what they like/dislike about their fields and what they look for in hiring. Or even attorneys in general who have changed fields. Thank you!!

    1. Not a T&E attorney, but if you’re willing to start over in an entry-level position, just go for it. Write a kick-@$$ cover letter explaining your desire to switch, be prepared to offer more details in an interview, and keep your fingers crossed.

      Also, this isn’t necessarily going to help you for this particular opening, but start trying to network in the T&E community – take T&E CLEs, sign up for the T&E subcommittee of your local bar, etc.

      Last thing, have a strong narrative for how you ended up in the “wrong” field in the first place, and how you know that T&E is really where you want to be – you want to avoid the appearance of someone who is burned out on litigation and just looking to escape to a practice area that’s commonly perceived to be more work-life balance friendly.

      1. Good advice here. I have friends who made similar transitions and basically followed this course.

      2. I just recently made a switch (not to T&E). I found during interviewing that most interviewers were really receptive to the “state of the legal market” narrative for why I ended up in the “wrong” field. Something along the lines of “the legal market is such that the most opportunity for attorneys starting out is in litigation. I was very fortunate to have landed a job where I did, and I have learned a ton in my time at XYZ Firm. Now I’m looking to transition my practice to my real area of interest. I understand that may mean taking a haircut in terms of years, but here’s what I can bring to the table that a true entry level candidate can’t…”

      3. Thank you so much! Already doing these and wrote so in my cover letter, so fingers crossed! I was really excited and it’s good to hear from others that a switch is possible and that I am approaching it correctly. Gotta love the hive, as always!

    2. I made the switch after 3 years of litigation and I love it. And while the substance doesn’t necessarily transfer the lawyering skills and professional skills do. I took a cut in years, but in thinking of the long term, I’m so much better off now.

  19. I really like this dress, but I know it would sit in my closet forever because I don’t have the perfect red sweater or light blue jacket to wear with it, and probably wouldn’t find those items before the dress goes out of fashion! Nordstroms could sell me a lot more clothes if they would suggest companion pieces, especially to go with a sleeveless dress for sale in the winter. Kat, maybe this site could do more of that as well — i.e. pulling together whole outfits.

    2. I was just thinking the same thing! Especially when there are sleeveless dresses — I am a No Bare Shoulders in the Office person and I basically just buy dresses with elbow length or longer sleeves now, because I can’t figure out what to layer over anything but the plainest sleeveless dress.

      1. I think its hard to cover shoulders without making it look like you just threw a sloppy cardigan over an otherwise thought-out look.

  20. Arggh I ordered a dress to wear to my office holiday party from Loft on cyber Monday that was supposed to arrive by the 11th, and it hasn’t even shipped yet (my office party is the 12th). The customer service people are not helpful (“Oh, I see that’s shipping from stores, we can’t do anything until the order due date has passed”). I have no real question here, just wanted to complain.

    1. I feel you. I bought an outfit for my office party my first year here and took it to the dry cleaner’s immediately. It was destroyed during the process (manufacturer’s fault, not the cleaners) and I learned that when the cleaners called the day of. Then Macy’s would not take the item back. I don’t shop at Macy’s anymore. And I didn’t go to the party that year. Or any year after that, actually.

    2. SAME! I ordered a sequin top from Last Call and it hasn’t even shipped yet. Rrrrgh.

    3. If shipping wasn’t free you should definitely demand a refund on shipping when you return it.

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