Suit of the Week: Eloquii

106 Comments

1. How do you become a nicer, less obnoxious person (or at least appear as if you are one on the outside)? I’m not sure if I’m ND but I frequently find myself regretting things I’ve said. Elitist, bragging, bitchy, judgy, you name it. I definitely lack a filter.

   1. I don’t know how to answer your questions exactly, but I have two thoughts (I hope they’re useful).

      1. Start with observations. Are there particular scenarios in which you are bitchy, judgy, etc? Is it with certain people, under certain forms of stress, lack of sleep, etc? Spend a while noticing and seeing if you can detect any patterns, and then you can try to address the root causes.

      2. Quiet down. What I mean by that is work for a while on speaking less — listening more, stepping back, keeping things to yourself. That might not be the right solution for you, but it’s possible that taking a pause with your reactions will help you settle down the bitchy/judgy/rude response that “automatically” happens. It’ll take some practice, but see if you can commit to trying.

      1. This is really thoughtful advice.

         OP, I have been in this position recently, and find that it happens more when I feel stressed/awkward, or when others are shy/quiet and I feel like I need to fill space. Suddenly I am saying things while thinking… what the hell?!? What did I just say?

         It is very hard for me to sit back when I am surrounded by silence. But it is very good to work on listening more, and talking less.

   2. In my case, this was caused by depression. Depression looks so, so different for everybody. For me, mild depression is general witchiness and snobbery; medium depression is sleeping and eating too much; deep depression is a constant headache with low level “static” in my brain and a loss of vocabulary (forgetting everyday nouns – kinda terrifying when it first happens). Medicate me and no more snide remarks, no judginess, just a genuinely nice person.

      1. +1 to depression being a possible cause. I have NO patience with anyone when depressed and ‘rage’ was my number one symptom.
         The advice about pausing, taking a beat, and then responding is a great one. To quote my mom ‘not everything you think needs to be said’.

   3. Try running comments through the ‘is it kind’? ‘is it necessary filter?’

      Have a couple friends who are the ones you bitch with and avoid those vibes in other friendships.

   4. I wonder if you’re just a ruminator. Like, I come home from a party and think about how I talked too much and said that one thing and then I also think about a different party I went to and what I did there…. it’s at least common enough that Roz Chast did a cartoon about it.

      Are you sure that’s not you?

      1. https://condenaststore.com/featured/insomnia-jeopardy-roz-chast.html?product=art-print

         Second to last category, though I also favor the first.

         1. I love Roz.

   5. Sometimes I just pause and ask myself “what is the kind thing to say right now?”

   6. For me, Lexapro.

   7. This is usually, but not always, caused by deep-seated insecurities.

   8. I figured out where it came from and looked for alternatives. For me, judgment and sarcasm and elitism permeated the way my family of origin communicated. It didn’t play well outside my family, but it took me a while to realize that I was alienating people. I also kinda grew up and got over myself, to put it bluntly. I’m not better than other people, especially not just because because I have xyz degrees from great schools/great grades/whatever. It realized it doesn’t make me “look good” to judge something or someone else, or to brag. (I also dealt with my shame and perfection issues in therapy, which helped eliminate the desire to speak this way.) I started paying more attention to how I communicated. I pushed away the impulse to say the first sarcastic/judgmental thing that popped into my head and chose a different option. I listened to how my “nicer” friends communicated and observed what was different about their approach. I started making some changes and got great results, and that self-perpetuated.

      1. This is a really wonderful response.

   9. Just putting this out there, if it is a matter of neurodivergence there are no magic words to make NT people like you, ND folks will always fall into uncanny valley and be thin sliced.

      1. Yes… and masking can lead to saying things we regret because they’re inauthentic or just plain mean, but at the time we said what seemed like the “thing to say” in the moment (basically imitating things that stood out in our mind, even if it’s mean girls or literal TV characters).

         I think that’s different from “no filter” though (no filter is more saying stuff that’s just plain weird or “truth hurts” blunt; saying things that put people down status-wise sounds more like masking).

         1. Yesssss, the things I say when masking are the worst. The inauthenticity of pretending I like most popular things to fit in is so cringe, but I don’t want to be that person who won’t talk about the eras tour.

            1. Pretending is not a good idea. Is that really encouraged for ND folks?

            2. Unfortunately pretending really truly is the answer because honesty is not socially acceptable. People still won’t like the ND person but it will be because ‘weird vibes’ rather than saying something offensive.

            3. It’s not exactly encouraged, but it’s a common outcome if someone went through ABA or similar therapeutic approaches, or honestly just not to be bullied or outcast sometimes.

            4. I honestly think keeping quiet works a lot better than pretending. “If you have nothing socially acceptable to say, don’t say anything at all.”

            5. Giving nothing in a conversation doesn’t work one on one and giving nothing in a group is still not okay as a ND person because you have to mask the body language, fake the right amount of eye contact, nodding, smile etc.

   10. Do more tiny acts of kindness.

       Talk less.

       Listen — really listen — more.

       And most of all: stay offline and away from other judgy people.

   11. Love these thoughtful responses!
       A minor thing to add – you try to switch your focus from judgment to curiosity. If you hear someone say something you think is dumb, maybe ask yourself why they said that vs reacting directly. It can also be a way of slowing down your reactions to people to mull on why someone might do something differently than you. Basically, mentally practicing empathy.

       1. I’m a big fan of approaching interactions with curiosity. Genuinely curious people can sometimes be annoying or out of touch, but they’re never snobby or bitchy.

2. I have a second (final) interview coming up with a government agency. They are clearly using a structured interview format. How can I expect the questions to be different from the first interview? It seems like they were pretty comprehensive but I can’t imagine there will be much repeat.

   1. The agency I work for uses a formal, structured format for the first interview, but the second is a lot more conversational. Are you sure your next one will be the same as the first? Good luck!

      1. Good to know! I have no idea. Thank you!

   2. Sometimes the questions are similar, but you’re answering for a different group of people.

      Just be ready to sell who you are, what you’ve accomplished, and how it applies to the role you’re interviewing for.

3. I recently found out that my lovely hairdresser’s house was flooded in the last batch of storms in Florida. They had been dropped from insurance coverage last year. His wife is living temporarily with their special needs daughter (adult with severe autism – non-verbal) in a hotel, while they are trying to salvage their house. Both parents are approaching 70 and already were planning to work until they die to afford caring for their daughter. Just awful.

   Other than a huge tip, I want to do something more for them.

   Just a big ?gift card (to what?)? More cash in an envelope seems a little crude, but…? I wonder how they are eating, as I assume they don’t have a kitchen. I never use DoorDash, as so much $ is wasted on delivery, but maybe?

   1. I think as much cash as you want to give in a card is lovely and the most useful thing.

   2. I give grocery store and Target gift cards to people. If they can’t cook, they can still buy hot food at the grocery store. Target includes groceries and other needed items.

      The insurance crisis in Florida is a disaster.

   3. Situations like this call for cash in an envelope. It’s the same as if they set up a go fund me and you donated. If you want to do something else, I’m always a fan of giving a gift card for pizza hut or dominos, with a note to have pizza on me (in addition to the cash).

   4. I think cash in an envelope would be such a help to their family.

4. I have $300k floating around 7.5% interest on a HELOC. The property is a rental property.

   The stock market is up so much, I am tempted to sell <10% of my investment portfolio and combine that with some cash to pay off the HELOC. I can always draw on it again, until 2030. And it will be nice to actually bank the rental income rather than have it all go to debt service.

   Would the wise ladies here agree with this move?

   1. I hate debt so I’d do it. You’ll be getting a guaranteed 7.5% return on the money you withdraw.

      1. Same.

   2. Is the interest on the HELOC tax deductible? This is a know your personal situation thing – if the funds were used to improve the property, they should be, but look into it. Depending on your tax bracket and state income tax, how much that interest rate really is on a net basis to you will vary.

      1. Yes, it is deductible. No state income tax. Income going down a lot next year, and I have decent write-offs otherwise.

         I have asked my accountant the question too but he takes a while to reply and I am antsy!

         1. I’d take the gains in a lower tax bracket year, and keep the max interest deduction for tax year 2024.

            1. I’m gonna rephrase that, because I’m assuming the $300K in your investment portfolio represents gains. If you’re selling something at a loss, the math mathes differently. But if a gain, take it in your projected lower income year.

   3. I’d definitely consider it, given the interest rate, but I’d talk to a financial advisor about any tax consequences before selling off $300K worth of investments.

      1. Yeah, taxes are the thing that could make this a terrible idea – if you’re at a high rate and these are short term gains (stocks held <1 year) you lose a lot in taxes

   4. In this scenario, I like the idea of capturing those gains while you income is low next year, and paying off this loan. Great idea.

5. You all have the best advice. My husband has been silently brooding since the election. I know he’s angry and anxious and not his joyful, relaxed self. We’re in DC, but will both likely be ok. I don’t know how to help him relax. He knows that he has t been himself but doesn’t know what to do about it. He’s worried about the future, his aging parents, stuff around the house, and so on. I’ve mentioned talking to a therapist, but he says that will be another expense and that the therapist isn’t going to change all of those issues. Is there anything I can say to help persuade him?

   1. You can say that you want him to see a therapist and that it is important to you and your marriage that he do so.

   2. Therapy doesn’t change the issues: it gives you better tools to handle them.

      1. A lot of therapy is just self gas lighting and lying to yourself to feel better and some people don’t like doing that. Pretending climate change isn’t happening is not a fun mental exercise when your town barely got snow this year.

         1. That hasn’t been my experience with therapy at all. It has helped me acknowledge my feelings as reasonable and then figure out how to handle them in a way that doesn’t disrupt my life.

         2. As someone who greatly benefited from grief counseling, I disagree. I don’t have to gaslight myself and pretend the tragedy didn’t happen. What I needed were better tools to get through living the rest of my life while finding ways to heal and still function.

         3. A lot of therapy is just bad, but I imagine the idea would be to go to a good therapist.

         4. What a truly terrible, deeply cynical take. I hope you find the ability to accept the things you can’t control using whatever modality — therapy, religion, reading philosophy, meditation— works best for you. But please don’t insult the ways others manage their own mental health just because you haven’t figured out how to manage your own.

            1. THIS

         5. CBT really can feel like self gaslighting if the therapist tries to correct cognitive distortions that are are actually correct or if the therapist focuses on the patient’s behaviors as the real problem when some externality needs to change. Some of us have experienced harm or witnessed harm in the lives of people we care about. I don’t think that comment was kindly phrased, but I think it’s possible to validate the husband’s concerns (therapy–same as religion, philosophy, meditation, or doing nothing– can leave people worse off and is a scary risk to take) while still reassuring that a specific provider or their approach comes highly recommended. The idea that therapy is just good isn’t persuasive and usually reinforces people hesitation.

         6. +1000

         7. Bad therapy involves gaslighting yourself.

            Good therapy will give you better tools to handle stress. If you’re going to therapy for your fear over climate change, that’s actually about something else. (70% of the earth’s surface was once covered in snow, and Greenland was once green. This should not be concerning you beyond general “don’t waste natural resources and don’t pollute.”) A good therapist should help you figure out what you’re not addressing in your own life that you’re substituting climate change fear for.

   3. Does he know what therapy is like because he’s tried it? If he hasn’t tried it I feel like there’s an argument for just giving it a shot.

   4. Maybe point out that a therapist never changes the issues for anyone ever. A grief therapist doesn’t bring the dead person back. A trauma therapist doesn’t un-shoot the patient. A marriage therapist doesn’t make a cheating partner faithful or an abusive partner kind.

      A therapist changes the patient’s *response* to the issues. That’s what he needs help with. That’s why he should go.

      1. Does he need to respond differently? Sometimes its okay to be stressed when life isn’t relaxing.

         1. op here – I’m not sure. it just doesn’t feel healthy to always be mad and anxious.

         2. He sounds miserable, not just stressed. Being stressed does not lead to being miserable for people with good coping skills.

         3. Therapy helps make your stress manageable, something you are in control of rather than that which controls you.

   5. Look at your Employee Assistance Program. EAPs sometimes (usually?) include a set number of free counseling sessions that would be sufficient for your husband to evaluate whether he is getting something from counseling.

      But also? Respect his choice if he goes, tries it, and finds it unhelpful.

   6. Does it have to be therapy? Maybe stress-reducing activities would help — regular journaling, long baths, walks, yoga, the gym, placing time or other restrictions on complaining/worrying, volunteering for a cause or taking up a hobby. If he won’t do therapy maybe you can convince him to pick just one thing & do it. Also outsource the household repairs or otherwise mitigate those types of stressors wherever possible while trying to adopt a “do what you can and don’t worry about it beyond that” attitude.

      1. +100 all this advice. I think therapy is one tool but also it’s expensive and hard to find a good fit therapist. There are so many other tools that might work better.

         FWIW I think anything where he can actively engage with people in real life is the most game changing when it comes to the election stress.

   7. If he was normally joyful and relaxed pre-election, despite aging parents, house stuff etc., he mainly needs to reframe the election as less meaningful to his own personal life. Very hard to do in DC, I know. Maybe a vacation, time with friends, or a new fun hobby?

   8. Challenging physical activity works well for me when my brain spirals like this. I belong to a boxing gym that has immeasurably improved my mental health, but it has to be the right gym. Dance class also helps me — it keeps my brain busy for a solid 90 minutes, trying to learn new steps or master old ones.

      I also recently read about a self-hypnosis app. I think it was Reveri? Maybe on the moms site? The journalist who tried it was shocked at how well it worked for her irritability and anxiety. Haven’t tried it myself, but I could see how that might feel more accessible and less stigmatize for someone who’s finding reasons to avoid therapy.

   9. In addition to the other thoughts here…does he want to do more to push back against Trump and the MAGA agenda? I lead an Indivisible (grassroots organizing) group. Taking matters into our own hands helps many of us cope with the current situation. He can look for local groups doing climate work, etc., if that method of coping would feel helpful to him.

   10. There are a lot of articles with tips on how to reduce your stress levels. They list things ranging from getting outside to watching a funny show. You might take a look and see what you could lure him to do that isn’t therapy but will help him cope.

6. I think someone mentioned a HS graduation gift basket they put together for relatives – can someone remind me what went into it? My nephew just found out he got admitted to his first choice college and in addition to a Target gift card I wanted to get him a cute gift – nothing school branded, my parents called dibs on that idea ;)

   1. I wasn’t that person, but the best graduation gift I got was a set of gift cards that were each enough to cover a pizza delivery.

      1. Yes I’ve done this a few times and it’s gone over well. A few gift cards for small amounts to coffee shops or pizza places around campus.

   2. If he has shared bathrooms in the dorms, a go-to gift when I graduated ages ago was a shower caddy with some shower shoes and a towel with their first name or initials monogrammed on it. Alternatively, a laundry basket, big container of detergent, and 1-2 rolls of quarters for the laundry machine (and maybe also the monogrammed towel).

      1. Oh, I’m just seeing that you already gave this idea! Great minds…

         1. Ha, jinx and great minds, indeed!

   3. A few rolls of quarters and laundry detergent, all wrapped in a laundry basket. If you want, you could add a set of towels and shower shoes/cheap flip-flops. Seriously the best graduation gift I received!

      1. I think at most schools now you can pay for laundry machines using an account linked to your student ID, so quarters are not needed

         1. At my kid’s school, laundry is included in dorm fees. They have to reserve the machine on an app but there is no additional charge for it beyond room & board.

7. Anyone know anything about subprime car loans? (Is that even a term?) Say a person has a 600 credit score and has a vehicle repossession on their credit. Can they even get a car loan at a respectable dealership or would they have to go to one of those “buy here, pay here” places? The person has $2-3k available for a down payment on a used car costing less than $15k. No cosigner available.

   1. A reputable dealership can give you a loan but it will be at an awful rate and be through a bank rather than dealership financing. Do they really need a car?

      I used to do financial stuff at a dealership and most of the subprime loans were for people who just wanted a car and had bad impulse control.

      1. They live alone in a rural area with no family nearby, so yes, they need a car. I’m the not-nearby family trying to figure out how to proceed. I was expecting a bad interest rate and had that built into my calcs for how much they can afford. Does a 10% or 20% down payment really influence things favorably?

         1. Down payment doesn’t really impact things all that much at that level, no. Job security can impact things though.

   2. Yes subprime car loans are a thing, usually at the buy here pay here dealerships. They have incredibly onerous terms and there are a bunch of consumer protection attorneys who make their livings suing these types of lenders. check out nclc dot org and peruse their Autos section.

   3. That’s tough. Have they/you looked into car-buying assistance programs?
      https://www.workingcarsforworkingfamilies.org/find-a-program/application/
      Tho if they need a car sooner rather than later these applications might take too long.

   4. The best way to answer this question is to actually just shop around for rates.

      For a relative in this situation, I lent her the money. Not great credit, semi retired with basically no real verifiable income (Arbonne and side business stuff), so that was the best route.

      Understand if no one wants to do that though.

8. does anyone have a good meal prep pizza bake recipe using the ffgy/flour “dough”? i got sucked into a tiktok but the recipe is only contained in her $40 digital recipe book. absurd.

   1. I don’t know what makes pizza meal prep pizza or why you’d want to put yogurt in the dough (that’s ffgy, right?), but pizza dough is really easy and there are a million recipes online (try King Arthur flour), don’t pay $40 for one.

   2. Search two ingredient dough recipes and you should find some options, its basically just self-rising flour and greek yogurt. If you can’t find self-rising flour you can add baking powder and salt to all purpose flour as a sub

9. DH and I have a rare total night off from parenting while our kids spend the night at their uncle’s house. I can’t remember the last time this happened, and I’m totally drawing a blank on figuring out how to spend this rare alone time. I vacillate between wanting to just enjoy the quiet time at home, versus going out. IDK what, though. A dinner out is fine, but doesn’t feel particularly different from a normal date night. There are lots of Christmas market things happening during the day, but … mehh. Any ideas?

   1. Sex? That’s what we’d do. Get dinner after, maybe delivery.

   2. Mini staycation! Go to a hotel 15 minutes away, have some gardening time immediately, then eat dinner at the hotel bar and have a glass of wine flirtily, and oh look at that, we can just pop back up to the hotel room when things get extra flirty…

      The slight change of scenery and ability to skip driving or answering the door for food delivery actually makes a huge difference in our conversation and quality of gardening.

   3. Trade massages, hopefully leading to gardening, then go to dinner.
      For special date nights I’m a follower of the old Dan Savage advice for Valentines Day: “f*<% first” (because it’ll be better than if you’re full of food and tipsy).

      1. lol, that’s solid advice.

10. I can’t be the only one taking notes on the morning thread suggestions of gifts for 8ish year old boys and then buying them for the early 20s guys in my life? Bey Blades already purchased.

    What other goofy toys have the young men in your life enjoyed? Last year it was a velcro ball dart board kind of thing where you threw the balls at a pop-up disc with the solar system on it.

    https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CCK7YZXL?ref_=ppx_hzod_title_dt_b_fed_asin_title_0_0&th=1

    Suggestions welcome!

    1. I think my husband/brother played with the table top pinball machine I got my son more than he did. The ‘klask’ game would likely be a hit. Legos, Marble runs, and Magnatiles are all ages hits in our family too.

       1. Thanks! Just ordered Klask!

       2. Oh my goodness. This is the air hockey we all had in the basement, in my youth…

    2. I haven’t tried the one I got during the Prime day sales yet, but look up “punch music box” on amazon — it’s a wall hanging thing that lights up with your music and then you’re supposed to punch the corresponding thing. Kind of like Simon Says but with punching and your own music.

11. Just wanted to leave a note for the person who needed some encouragement to apply for a job where they didn’t have the preferred qualifications. When my boss left I was talking to someone about my “running list” for when we got someone on board. This person (outside of the department) said “you know, you should really apply for the job yourself.” At that point I was only 3 months back from maternity leave and felt I didn’t meet any of the preferred requirements and only some of the required ones, and knew that at least two of the candidates in the running had way more experience than me. But I did it and got the job! I hope the same for you, and every time you step forward into something new you learn something no matter the outcome.

12. This suit is giving me very big pajama vibes.

    1. Agree and yet I love it. I am tall and large of boob and this belted longer jacket style usually works on me. I’d probably be more inclined to give it a try in a solid color, though.

13. Anyone ever dealt with the auto insurance claims process? Minor fender bender, no injuries.
    How long did it take to resolve? How much information did the claims adjuster ask you for? Advice for making it less painful?
    All anecdotes appreciated (and no, I am not the poster from earlier this week who backed into her husbands car in the driveway).

    1. Many times, unfortunately. I’m an old in an urban area so it’s kind of inevitable.

       I find being organized really helps me deal with the process. I also find that dealing with my frustrations in a kind manner is better than taking it out on a claims adjuster who probably hates her job anyway. “I know this is not your fault personally, but that doesn’t seem like a reasonable number to me. What do you suggest I do?”

    2. About a month, and it was anhuge pain. A van hit our parked car and their insurance company really dragged their feet on paying for repairs and the rental car. Persistent communication and eventually escalating to management helped finally get it done.

    3. I got rear ended by a USAA driver. They accepted liability very quickly and got my car into a shop and me into a rental in no time. No issues whatsoever. I was very impressed!

       1. I wish I were USAA eligible!

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