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For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional.
Huh: Nordstrom has a new in-house brand, Emerson Rose, that seems to be specializing in workwear, including a ton of elegant, sophisticated looks like this suit. I like this belted tweed blazer — note that only the front big is belted; the back is more voluminous, which is on trend with the rise of cape blazers. But while those can sometimes look a bit silly to me, this one looks almost vintage, like something Audrey Hepburn might have worn. Love. The pricing for the brand is pretty affordable — this jacket (Emerson Rose Belted Tweed Suit Jacket) is $199, the skirt (Emerson Rose Tweed Suit Pencil Skirt) is on sale for $60, and the pants (Emerson Rose Side Tab Wide Leg Tweed Suit Pants) are $129.
This plus size tweed suit is similar but more traditional, and also comes in regular and petite sizes.
(L-all)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Anon
Gorgeous suit!
I need a recommendation for a sexy hotel in DC for a staycation. So location matters far less than ambience. Any thoughts??
anon a mouse
Mandarin Oriental.
Baconpancakes
Hotel Monaco in Alexandria. Decor isn’t traditional, but it’s very luxe and sexy. There’s one in Chinatown as well, but I’ve never been to that one.
ITDS
I agree with this. The one in Penn Quarter/Chinatown is a slightly different vibe as it’s really an old office building so it has wide hallways and high ceilings and is architecturally interesting. Both are in vibrant neighborhoods with lots of great dining and options for romantic walks.
Old town
+1
I stayed there the day before my wedding (wedding in Old Town) and we stayed there our first night — it was niiiiiiiice.
Who let the dogs out (sorry)
How long do you all let your dogs go without going to the bathroom? Is an entire workday acceptable? I am starting a new job that comes with a true 9-5 schedule and short commute. I previously had a dogwalker come in the middle of my much longer workday. My dog is a few years old, loves her crate, and I’d take her on a good morning and evening walk. Still, I wonder if I’m being cruel leaving her all day…what do you all think?
Anonymous
It’s not cruel to leave an adult, house-trained dog alone from 9 to 5 or even 8:30 to 5:30. I would only think about a dog walker if you have to leave the dog alone for more than 9 hours in a row.
Anon
+1 This was the advice I received from a dog trainer that worked at the humane society I volunteered with. If you are pushing 10 hours, consider having someone let them out. We regularly leave our dogs home from 7:30-5.
emeralds
+1. My girl is much happier if she gets a midday break, but she survived just fine last year, when for the first time in her pampered, spoiled-a$$ life she didn’t have a servant to let her out at noon and she had to hold it from 9-5. I don’t like to leave her longer than that, but it’s totally normal for an adult, housetrained dog to be able to last a standard workday.
Anonymous
I can leave my dog for up to 10 hours without a break. But I walk him before and after work for 1/2 hour each.
I think it’s a “Know Your Dog” thing. On weekends, an entire day can go by without my dog “asking” to go outside.
Anonymous
Also, dogs sleep a LOT. They’ll be active and stay up if you’re keeping them entertained, but, especially as they get older, it’s not uncommon for a dog to be very comfortable sleeping 18+ hours a day.
Anonymous
My small dog (<20 pounds) is usually left alone from about 8:30 to 6. She's fine and doesn't seem like she desperately has to go when I get home. I wouldn't worry about it unless she starts having UTIs or accidents or some other problem that might be caused by not going out enough.
asdf
My dog occasionally goes 12 hours. I try not to let it happen but she doesn’t seem that desperate even when it does.
anonymous
Same.
Anon
About 6 hours is our max. We have an adult Golden Retriever – he could certainly physically “hold it” for longer, but he is accustomed to and needs the energy outlet/activity/interaction. We had a dog walker M-F while I worked in an office; now that I’m working from home, we’re looking for one to come a few days a week (mostly so he’ll have a regular presence he’s familiar with for when we go out of town and he stays home).
After housing costs and food, it’s our single largest yearly expense.
Blonde Lawyer
Your dog might be in the phase where he/she doesn’t need to be in a crate during the day anymore. I felt better about my dogs long days when I knew she could move from the couch to her bed to her water bowl and back. Days I came home midday to let her out, she looked at me like I was disturbing her.
AIMS
This. Our dog is fine for a regular work day but we don’t close him in his crate. I think whether your dog loves the crate or not, that’s too long and too cramped.
Terry
Read up on this recently. As I recall, the ASPCA society recommends about a 6 hour max on crating. They suggest leaving the dog in an enclosed area instead, such as a laundry room, kitchen or bedroom for longer periods.
http://www.aspca.org/pet-care/dog-care/common-dog-behavior-issues/destructive-chewing
Terry
OK, link totally gives away my dog’s behavior issue, but it has some generally applicable info too!
Anonymous
Yeah, I commented above that we leave our dog alone for nine hours or so every day. But she has the run of the whole house, she’s not in a crate. Adult dogs that don’t have behavioral issues shouldn’t damage the house even if they’re not crated.
pugsnbourbon
We started letting our girl have access to the basement and the kitchen. She LOVES it. She has a little bed down there and you can see exactly where she’s been curled up asleep.
TorontoNewbie
We walk ours (a 40lb terrier mutt) for about 45 minutes in the morning, then he’s left alone from 8:30 until 1, the walk comes then and takes him out for an hour, and then he gets another 45 min whenever we get home from work, which we try to have at least one of us do by 7:30. One to two days a week he goes for “day walks” where the walker just picks him up and walks him with the pack for the entire day – we schedule those for the nights when we’re both working late or have events or something. That said – he can hold it for at least 12 hours without scratching to go out, but I feel bad leaving him alone for the entire day.
Bonnie
Our dog is usually home for about 9 hours and is fine. She has the run of the house and sleeps most of the time on our bed.
MJ
Yes, as others pointed out–you are asking two questions here…how long can my dog wait to go, and can I crate my dog for 8-10 hours a day while I work a FT job. The crating is more of an issue for your dog’s health than the bathroom breaks. Dogs really do need stimulation, and for most younger dogs, a crate is not enough. Some senior or crate-loving dogs might be perfectly fine.
I would personally spring for a dog walker if your budget allows. It would make me happy to know my pup is happy and getting exercise. But I have a crazy labradoodle puppy and the means to hire a walker, so that’s just me. May not be possible in your situation. I’ve also found college students or teenagers to be fine and reliable walkers for cheaper than dogwalkers. This depends on your comfort level with the specifics, but works well for my pup.
NYC at Christmas time?
I’m going to be in NYC over Christmas weekend – any suggestions for special holiday stuff to do or see? My in-laws live there so I go to the city a lot but I have never been at Christmas(I did see the Rock*ttes one year in November with my MIL).
emeralds
I like window-shopping and going to the craft markets (the last time I was there around Christmas I remember a nice one in Union Square). I wouldn’t recommend actually trying to shop, though–that way lies madness. My BFF’s Scandinavian SO also took us to a really lovely St. Lucia celebration at a Lutheran church one year. I can’t remember which church off the top of my head, but it was beautiful.
AIMS
The Nutcracker.
The Rockefeller Xmas Tree – tip: try to walk by after a late dinner when there won’t be too many people around. So much better without crowds.
Ice skating (if that’s your thing) at Bryant Park or behind the Natural History Museum, if they do it this year.
The Xmas tree at the Met.
Union Square has a nice outdoor holiday market. You can stop by Pete’s Tavern or Lillie’s Bar after – decorations turned up to 11. It’s fun.
Holiday windows on 5th avenue, obviously. Also better late at night. Barney’s and Bergdorf’s are usually the best.
Sydney Bristow
Bryant Park has a nice holiday market too, if I remember correctly.
I went to the Top of the Rock on the day after Christmas one year. I think it was less crowded than normal, so I recommend that if the weather is ok.
And the Rock3tt3s is my favorite holiday thing to do and I want to go every year.
NYtoCO
Definitely second The Nutcracker– it’s become a tradition for us to do it every year, and I would definitely recommend it over the Rock*ttes.
Walk through the West Village- it’s the cutest neighborhood in Manhattan (in my opinion) and there’s something about walking down the small cobblestoned streets around Christmastime that’s just magical.
Rolf’s is a German restaurant in Gramercy that goes CRAZY with their decorations at Christmastime. It gets extremely crowded (so you should make reservations well in advance) but I think it’s a really fun thing to do at least once.
Anonymous
ABC Carpet has the best selection of Christmas tree ornaments in the city. The holiday train show at the Bronx Botanical gardens, but prob a bit of a hike for you. The crowds at the tree can be really not fun. Go early or late- post dinner is often good.
Coach Laura
Suit looks interesting – wouldn’t be great on me but I like the look.
pugsnbourbon
I would totally suggest this to my boss if it wouldn’t give away that I browse this blog at work.
Brands for the long-waisted
While cleaning out my closet this weekend, I realized that a lot of my work dresses don’t fit me properly because the waist falls about four inches above the bottom of my rib cage, rather than at my natural waist/belly button. I generally wear sheath dresses with a defined waist. My dresses are otherwise the right length (the hems are within an inch of my knees). I am totally flat-chested so it’s not an issue of curves pulling the waist up. Any suggestions for brands for the long-waisted? Should I be buying tall dresses and having the hem taken up? (I am 5’7″.) Do I need to give up on dresses and start putting together outfits (ugh)?
Anon Midwest
I cannot speak to all talls, but The Limited Sheath in a tall really did fit me better. I’m the same height as you and also small chested. I didn’t expect to like the difference that much.
Anonymous
I am 5’5″ and very long-waisted and do much better in talls. Ann Taylor and J. Crew have some styles in talls. I have also had luck having some M.M. LaFleur items tailored. I would take your dresses to the tailor and see if she can take them in where the hips of the dress are flaring out at your natural waist. Sometimes this can be accomplished by taking in the side seams and the existing darts, sometimes darts need to be added.
Nessie
I’m 5’7″, and recently had the same revelation. I’ve been buying Loft dresses in tall, and they fit much better. Also, most of them aren’t too long on me, I haven’t had to hem them.
Buy tall dresses. I thought I couldn’t wear sheath dresses, it just turns out that the dresses I were trying on had the waist and hips a couple inches higher than my actual waist and hips, making me look a little ridiculous.
Anon for This
When do you start worrying about a funk — i.e., that it might be starting to qualify as actual depression or something like that? What about if you’re functioning okay and just not that happy?
Blonde Lawyer
There are some pretty good online surveys. I just found them by googling but they were affiliated with major hospitals or gov’t websites.
Curiouser
High-functioning person with dysthymia here: don’t dismiss a two-or-more week pattern of lows just because you are holding it together at work and doing your laundry. You can be high-functioning and still (1) be clinically depressed and (2) benefit a lot from help.
Two Cents
I didn’t realize Emerson Rose was a Nordstrom house brand! Good to know. Anyone know if the quality is like Halogen or a bit higher end like Classiques? Or maybe somewhere in the middle, judging by the price point?
Really cute suit.
HALP.
So I’m in charge of planning our company’s Christmas Party this year. Every year we invite all employees and their partners to a nice formal dinner. In the past we’ve done themed feasts and murder mystery dinners. Do any of you brilliant ladies have any super awesome ideas for a non-lame Christmas Party? Can you tell me about your company’s holiday party? What do you like? What don’t you like?
Note: Yes, our small company does call it a Christmas Party. All of our employees and their partners celebrate Christmas. Please do not make that the point of this post. :)
anon8
I haven’t been to a real work party in over 10 years. If I were to have one, a good variety of food would be great along with vegetarian options. Open bar, if possible. I wouldn’t care about themes. Just let people mingle and have fun on their own. No DJs or dancing. Maybe a quick word from the CEO, but no long speeches from higher ups.
emeralds
My old organization had a legendary holiday party. It had a pretty basic formula: open bar + substantial bar-type food + a few quality raffles for things people would want, followed by an afterparty at another bar for the young folk. People really enjoyed it.
Anonymous
So true! Also please buy things in non-traditionally gendered colors. My dad worked in an office with a lot of women and won a pink Ipod at a raffle! My mom was super happy to get a new one that year!
A friend works at a company who throws a huge party every year at the Natural Science Museum with an open bar, and it is consistently a hit.
Anon
What? Don’t buy anything blue because it’s a “boy color?” Your dad couldn’t stand winning a pink ipod because MANLY MAN MAN…? I don’t understand the point of this post.
Anon for this
Dads are from a different time. I’m not the pink ipod poster but my dad dug out an old black dog leash from the basement while dog sitting for me because he couldn’t be seen walking through the neighborhood with my dog on her pink leash. My dog’s a girl.
KMO
Don’t know if this will work if you’re including partners but the best work holiday celebrations I went to were at my old company. It was a fairly small office in NYC and one Friday in December we would close at noon and all go out for a really nice lunch – usually one of the top Zagat-rated restaurants. After a decadent meal, which usually ended around 2:30, we’d have the rest of the afternoon off to go holiday shopping. I always appreciated that tradition because I was getting a delicious meal at a place that felt “special” plus time off.
Otherwise I’d say don’t overthink it. My current, large company does the generic holiday party at a hotel…nothing super exciting but it’s perfectly fine and the food is usually good.
Anonymous
It sounds like the company is really into themes so what about a ‘July in Christmas’ theme as a twist on ‘Christmas in July’ stuff? You could do summer themed games/decor (if applicable) and food. Might be a nice change from the usual holiday foods.
HALP.
Ok so I love this idea. Definitely on the short list! Thanks!
Senior Attorney
Lovely Husband threw a “summer in December” party last year and everybody loved it.
Anon
My office has a party instead of year end bonuses. Boss makes it all about boss. Nobody likes it other than boss.
I’d say open bar, decent food, and no big speeches. Also don’t put anyone on the spot and let it be a more casual atmosphere in terms of conversation/interactions. I’d love of we had a formal dinner or even a themed one instead.
Baconpancakes
How much are you looking to drop? How much drinking is in your company culture? Hiring two amazing craft cocktail bartenders and having a roaring 20’s/speakeasy theme is pretty popular.
HALP.
We actually did something similar to this last year and it went pretty well!
REALITY CHECK
If you have enough money and people, can you do a “casino night” with blackjack, poker, etc ? Each person gets chips when they arrive and play games. At the end of the night people can “buy” prizes with their chips ? We did this as an after prom party for our teens, and it was well received. Might me more trouble than its worth if you don’t have lots of people, but the kids had a really good time.
HALP.
This is an awesome idea, but I think the company (and our budget) would be way too small to make this work.
Anonymous
Does it have to have a theme? Can’t you just eat and drink your faces off?
HALP.
HA, that’s what I said! Well I asked if the theme could be “open bar”….
Bossman loves a good theme though
Anonymous
All I can say is I totally LOVE hot hors d’oeuvres, so I would vote for an open bar, a great variety of hot appetizers, cheeses, etc., maybe dinner, and some music. I also like the idea of raffles for nice prizes. Also agree that dancing wouldn’t appeal to me.
Anonymous
Dueling pianos? Always a hit at the parties I’m at. Serve dinner or have it catered so then people can finish eating then grab a drink to enjoy the show. Several companies where I’m from (Midwest) have set ups where they can bring their electric keyboard and come to you!
Senior Attorney
We did a party one time where everybody had to bring a record (we’re old so it was vinyl records, but you could make it CD’s or just songs in whatever format) and tell a story about it. The story could be true or false, and everybody voted on whether they thought it was true or false. The person who got the most right won a prize. Stories ranged from “the time I ran into Billy Joel in a bar” to “the time I actually watched The Wizard of Oz with Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon playing on the stereo” to “the time I met my husband while this song was playing.”
anon
Best restaurant that fits your budget, open bar, and no silly “themes” or activities. Eat, drink, enjoy, go home. (And as a side note, calling something “lame” is not cool).
oh please
Oh Mylanta. Are we really offended by 80s teen lexicon now? You’re trying too hard.
Winter
Wait – It’s okay for you to call her themes “silly,” but you draw the line at “lame”? Pot, kettle, rude.
Anonymous
I think the issue is “lame” is an antiquated and non-pc word for a person with physical limitations (not sure how to PC say this) and using the term to describe something not fun, boring, is insulting to people with physical limitations. I totally get it. Just like using another word that starts with “r” in a similar way is now socially unacceptable. Seems like “lame” should be relegated to a similar fate.
Anonymous
This is a good point. Never thought about the origins of ‘lame’ before. Will try to avoid in the future.
SD
But no one even uses the word “lame” anymore in its original connotation, except maybe to refer to animals. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a person with any physical ailment or disability referred to as ‘lame.’
Anonymous
The term you are looking for is ableist
Anonymous
I read Anon at 3:07’s comment as objecting to the word “lame” as an insult to the disabled, not a statement that people shouldn’t make fun of various party themes.
anon
Yep, that was it exactly.
Anonymous
You have got to be kidding me.
Signed,
daughter of a paraplegic, active in the medical community to support those with paralysis
Anonymous
You know this is the equivalent of “But I have a black friend” right??
Anonymous
No, it’s not.
Maybe, closer to “I have a black father”…
Anonymous
Maybe more like, “But I have a black father”.
But not really.
nope
Kind of not really.
What she is saying is “I have direct, lived experiences with individuals in the disabled community and from my/our perspective this is not a word usage to which we take offense.”
Saying I have a black friend is saying “That thing I said can’t possibly be racist because there is at least one black person I don’t hate.” Those two concepts are not connected. I.e., it is possible to be/say something racist and also have a black friend. It’s offensive because a) it’s illogical and b) dismissive of the fact that the speaker said something racist.
Anonymous
Yeah, I’m a progressive Bernie voter, but sometimes the word police among mostly my non-minority elitist compatriots is enough to make me say….. “Hey, wanna grab a beer Trum…”
Just kidding. Mostly.
oh please
But really. The word “lame” is not confined to only disabled people. It has as a second and equal definition “feeble,” not limited to physical ability. As in, “that is a feeble idea,” “that is a weak idea,” “that is a lame idea.” The word policing is out of control, but ESPECIALLY when you’re wrong about the definition in the first place.
yup
+1
That’s the primary definition used in the present day.
HALP.
Yeahhh, I’ve never actually heard the world “lame” reference a disabled person before. I was using it as weak/feeble, as in that is a lame excuse, party, idea etc.
Apologies if my use offended anyone, not my intention.
Anonymous
To be fair, it is still consistently used to refer to horses that are not moving in a healthy way. So there’s that.
Anonymous
Don’t worry HALP…… I think the last time it was used that way was in a Dicken’s novel.
Styling high-waisted pants
Help me style black high-waisted pants! I bought the Aritzia Babaton Cohen pant and I know it’s supposed to be worn with a slim, tucked-in top, but when I tried it I felt like my waist was so… exposed. Could be that I’m just used to skinny jeans and blousy tops. I’m a slim pear with big hips, so this style should be ideal for me! Any tips?
Anonymous
Be very careful….
High waisted pants are not easy to pull off for us pears.
Hello. Boot-ay!
iPad
Any suggestions on how to best utilize my iPad? Our office provides them, and I’ve been trying to take more advantage of having one. I got a keyboard that makes it easier to use for emails, which has been nice. If you use an iPad a lot, what do you use it for? Anything it can do to make my life easier (work or personal)?
anon8
I make a lot of recipes from food blogs, so I keep the tablet propped on the kitchen counter with the recipe displayed. Other than that, I use it for Netflix and YouTube. I have the Kindle app for books. I think there are also apps for magazine reading. And Candy Crush. :-)
MargaretO
Paprika is an amazing app for collecting/saving recipes. It has soooo many useful functions. It’s kind of expensive for an app but I feel like its worth the cost.
Ellen
Yay For Candy Crush–I use my ipad for this as well as for work, and I would have p’osted earlier today but I could not b/c Grandma Trudy did NOT like for me to work today b/c of the holiday. Meanwhile, Dad brought over 3 men that HE said wanted to meet me. I am an attorney but do NOT like to be set up. FOOEY! One guy sold clotheing and the other guy had a lock store. I told him I needed a lock and he said he would give me one if I went out with him. I hope I did NOT make a mistake by saying yes. He was cute. Anyway, I am finally back here on 77th. What a trip it is to LI traveleing back at night! DOUBEL FOOEY! Next time I will go with Rosa and Ed, but they stayed over again and I could NOT b/c of my court cases tomorrow. All the best to the HIVE and you have all of my family’s BEST WISHES! They now know how important this websight is to me. YAY!!!
Anonshmanon
I recently discovered the Trello app for managing longer projects/organizing work packets. In my field, project management tools are not used, so this is new to me.
Walnut
+1 for Trello. I use it for work and for organizing my life. It’s easy to share boards, so DH and I maintain our grocery list there as well, so whoever goes to the store knows exactly what is needed.
Sydney Bristow
I wouldn’t put much personal stuff on it since it is a work ipad, but I personally do document review work and spend a lot of time reading emails that people assumed were personal but get caught up in discovery for a big lawsuit.
That being said, I use the Kindle app on my iPad all the time. I also use Netflix, Hulu, HBO, etc while I’m baking or cleaning the kitchen.
Cb
I like to have it open on my desk for email, twitter, web browsing. Switching platforms really makes me aware of wasted time and lets my screens be for substantial work.
Anon
I have a leather jacket it that is black-brown distressed leather. I have no idea what shoes to wear with it, since it’s neither really black nor really brown. I’ll post a link of something with a similar color. Any ideas appreciated!
Anon
https://www.wilsonsleather.com/product/black-rivet-distressed-stars-and-stripes-center-zip-leather-jacket.do?sortby=ourPicks&from=fn
anon
Cute! I’d wear any color that goes with the brown. Burgundy, army green, light blue and taupe all come to mind.
Costume Trouble
Any suggestions for a Halloween costume?
I’m mid-20s and enjoy dressing up (so makeup and whatnot is fine) but have no ideas. I prefer something where I look nice but not anything tight/revealing (never been one for those).
I just found out and it’s soon, so I’d prefer something I don’t have to buy anything (or at least very little) to do.
I’ve done a lot of classic costumes (witch, flapper, Artemis, Leia, Cleopatra, etc.). I have no ideas for current ones but am open to them.
I haven’t dressed up for a few years!
Anonymous
I saw a Rosie the Riveter costume last year that I thought was simple and fun – denim shirt with sleeves rolled up, red bandanna. I can’t remember what she wore for bottoms.
Anonymous
I did this last year and I just wore jeans on the bottom (I think the real Rosie wore coveralls or what we call a jumpsuit these days).
Costume Trouble
This would a good one of I can find (and fit into) an old denim shirt! Thanks!
anon
I’ve done Rosie before. I would add to that, red lips and nails and some kind of tool. I did overalls that I found at Goodwill, mostly because I was worried about being cold.
Another one I’ve done that was pretty easy was Joanna from Office Space (Jennifer Aniston’s character). Black pants, white and green striped polo, suspenders, pieces of flair on the suspenders. I couldn’t find a shirt with the right stripes so I DIYed and used green duct tape on a white shirt.
Sydney Bristow
I’m going as Wednesday Addams this year and throwing an Addams Family themed party. Totally excited.
Uma Thurman’s character in Pulp Fiction is an easy costume that can likely be done out of your closet with the exception of a wig perhaps. Maybe not the best idea if this is a work thing though.
There is a really cute deer costume that I saw making the rounds on Pinterest over the past couple of years. It is heavily a makeup look, but I think it would be fun.
A friend of mine came as a stick figure person (like the crosswalk sign) once, which was truly awesome. It works best if you’ll be somewhere dark, but is basically an all black outfit with glow in the dark sticks put together to form the stick figure. You can do that yourself or I’m pretty sure there are commercial costumes like that you can buy.
Costume Trouble
I like Wednesday Adams! Simple but recognizable.
Secret: I’ve never watched Pulp Fiction in its entirety.
Not a work party, just a small one where I only know a few people!
I’ll look up the deer thing, that sounds like fun. :)
Thanks!
Sydney Bristow
This is the deer one I was talking about: http://www.cheapfrillsandthrills.com/2012/10/oh-deer.html
Anon
Debate hero Kenneth Bone?
CountC
I think this is what I am doing this year!
Carrots
I was going to suggest that too. Though I did see an article that there’s already a “sexy” Ken Bones costume out somewhere.
Suburban
What am I missing about this guy? I just don’t get it.
Are people making fun of him?
Anonymous
yes, people are making fun of him. It’s mean.
Suburban
Aw man. People are the worst.
nope
I don’t interpret that at all. It seems to me that people are hailing him as a folk hero. Seriously. Maybe I read kinder media than you, but I haven’t seen anything that suggests people are making fun of him.
Anon
I suggested Ken Bone, and I am not making fun of him. He asked a good question about energy policy towards the end of a very difficult to watch debate.
CountC
I am not making fun of him either. I think he was one of the few watchable parts of the debate. It’s a recognizable figure in current events. Not every costume is to make fun of someone.
Costume Trouble
I thought of this but felt it was better for a guy. Otherwise, I’m just a female in a red sweater with my hair held back.
I do think it’ll be a popular costume, though!
At first, I thought people were making fun of him but now think the majority just liked the fact that he was pleasant. His followup appearances have been more in that realm.
Anonymous
I think people are making fun of him. People may think he asked a good question at the debate, but he would not have become such a meme if not for his appearance.
January
Well, also his name.
Susan
I didn’t see his question during the debate (I had tuned out by that point) so I didn’t get it. But then I watched his Jimmy Kimmel interview and fell in love. What a lovely, lovely man. Even if he is undecided.
TorontoNewbie
If you already own a lot of tan/brown, how about Rey from Star Wars?
Carrots
I went as Julia Child last year. Had a chambray shirt and a fuller skirt, wore some pearls and my theatre character shoes (or any 50s style) and then carried around cooking utensils and had an apron on.
Sydney Bristow
Genius! I’m putting this on my list for future years.
Susan
The site takebackhalloween.org has some fantastic costume suggestions!
ChiLaw
Medusa? I’ve always wanted to do it because it could go a lot of different ways — basically any kind of pretty drapey dress and then as few or as many snakes in your hair as you’re up for, and then gobs and gobs of makeup.
Costume Trouble
SO glad I posted here, now I’m debating between options! I’ll decide based on what’s in my closet/what I can find and borrow. Thanks to all of you!!
Bewitched
I’d wear black.
anonymous
When I was desperate for a costume last year, I wore all black, and pinned the letter “P” on my chest. I then used makeup to black out one eye. I was a “black eyed pea”.
Wildkitten
I wear black and cat ears and draw a nose and whiskers with eyeliner.
Anonymous
This is embarrassing but I grew up poor. Not at risk of homelessness poor or using a food bank poor but my family lived month to month and I often couldn’t go to school trips because there was no extra money.
My parents are on a very fixed income right now. I’ve worked hard and my husband and I have minimal debt (a mortgage, no student debt) and we earn at least $250 a year combined (he earns slightly more). I would like to spend about $3000 hiring people to remove snow for my parents this winter. We can afford it and my husband wouldn’t notice. If I was going to spend that on clothing or something I wouldn’t bother to tell him.
I’ve never admitted to him that my family was poor. No one in my circle is from a poor family. I am very ashamed of it. I do not know how to talk about it. My parents made many bad choices in life but are pretty good people. I don’t like the idea of them being judged for not saving. My parents are old and shouldn’t be shovelling the snow.
I don’t think he would care about spending the money but it would lead to an awkward conversation about why they can’t pay for it themselves.
Thoughts?
Mrs. Jones
Keeping all that from your husband sounds wrong to me.
mascot
This. We are common pot, though, so that big of an expenditure gets discussed before we do it. Another thing to think about is whether your parents might need your financial support in the future for long term care or something. If you plan on providing that, then I think you need to be honest about how it will affect your financial future as a couple.
Anonymous
My husband and I keep our finances separate so in your shoes I would do it and might or might not mention it. If we did not keep our finances separate I would be more inclined to say something but I don’t think that necessarily has to lead to a discussion of your parents’ finances. Assuming they live modestly now, he can probably see that for himself and wouldn’t question why a couple on an unspecified fixed income might not have a budget for snow removal.
Anonshmanon
“I would like to treat my parents to not having to worry about snow removal this winter, I’m planning to spend around 3k for this.” Framing it more as a gift than financial support might get you over that one. Of course, you have to have that conversation at some point. Maybe it’s not going to be that bad though. Unless you have hardly any contact, your husband might also have a vague idea that your parents are not well off. I can’t imagine that is easy to hide.
Anonymous
1. Don’t be ashamed. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of. I grew up well off, my dad grew up poor. His mom was a true lady with impeccable manners. My mom’s parents were well off but ill mannered. When I think about who I model myself after, it’s 100% my paternal grandmother. Money doesn’t buy class or values – see Trump.
2. “My parents are old and shouldn’t be shoveling the snow.” This is what matters. Convo – “DH, I’m planning to treat my parents to a snow removal service for the winter. They’re too old to shovel snow.” DH: “Why don’t they pay for it themselves?” You: “They don’t have money in their budget for extras like that, plus I want to do something nice for them. Do you want to order pizza or tacos for dinner?” Don’t over think it.
X
Honestly, my parents are not poor at all, but they are extremely frugal. Last year I paid for a snow removal service. You really can frame it as a gift, if you want it.
Senior Attorney
This.
But really, it seems beyond bizarre to me that you are keeping this secret from your husband. How can he possibly not have noticed?
Anon
Agree you should tell him. But if you don’t want to do that right now but want to get the snow removal service and cost won’t be a factor for you and him, can’t you just say — hey it’s supposed to be a snowy winter, I’m going to get my parents a snow removal service for 3k; they’re getting older and shouldn’t be shoveling but I know they won’t splurge on it for themselves.
Sydney Bristow
I think you should tell him too. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. I grew up with my feet in both worlds, sort of. My parents were divorced and my dad had money and my mom didn’t. He paid alimony and child support and she worked, but we definitely lived paycheck to paycheck with her. I remember needing to go to my grandparents’ house to shower for a few weeks when our hot water was turned off. There weren’t ever money issues at my dad’s house. Nothing to be ashamed of at all.
I like this description though if you aren’t up for talking to him about it yet. They’re older and shouldn’t be shoveling and wouldn’t splurge for it themselves seems like a great way to describe it.
anon a mouse
Yes, this. Frame it as something they won’t get for themselves. Can’t/won’t – doesn’t matter. You don’t want your elderly parents shoveling snow and I think this is incredibly thoughtful of you.
Anon
I’d definitely talk to him. It may feel awkward for you, but it’s better than keeping a secret from him. My guess is he’ll be fine with it if you tell him beforehand but upset if he finds you’ve kept it a secret. I do think of it as a secret as opposed to buying clothes or something similar.
If you really don’t want to explain that they can’t afford it (though I think you should from these facts, knowing the people involved may change that), I think you could ask if he minds the two of you hiring someone to remove the snow for your parents, since you’re concerned about them doing it themselves but know they won’t hire anyone themselves.
Walnut
This doesn’t need to be a conversation about your parents being poor if you’re not ready to have that conversation. Why not just frame it as wanting to get a gift for your parents?
Anonymous
Your husband probably already has a rough sense of your parents’ economic status. I think you should tell him and explicitly say that you would like to help them out. If he asks about why they cannot pay, I think you can say that you don’t think they could swing that expense and that you want to help them. Also, I 100% agree that if your parents are “old” then they “shouldn’t be shoveling the snow.” Why not throw money at the problem–it is very nice of you to do that and hopefully he recognizes that this is an act of generosity and care and not about your parents’ savings.
Wow
Yes, this. Are you sure your husband doesn’t already know? I assume your parents live in a very modest place and it would be somewhat obvious that they are not well off.
And I agree — absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. And I wouldn’t assume that no one grew up poor in your circle of friends. Many of us grew up in similar circumstances and you wouldn’t know it now looking at us. My mom raised me in a HCOL on a $20 K salary. And while I knew we weren’t rich, I never felt poor either because she somehow always made it work.
Anonymous
Your husband already likely has a sense of your parents’ financial situation.
If he asks why they can’t pay for it, I would say “They’re on a fixed income and would see it as an unnecessary expense. I want to gift them the service because they’re getting older and it’s harder on them to do this for themselves.”
Also, I don’t live where it snows but $3k for a season of snow shoveling? Ouch.
anon
My husband’s family sometimes relied on food stamps when he was growing up. In their case, it was a combination of things both in and outside of their control. I would be open to supporting my ILs in some way, if needed. I’d probably react much more negatively to the suggestion if my mind weren’t prepared for it by knowing the facts. I strongly urge you to discuss this with your husband, especially if you think they may need (as opposed to appreciate) financial help later on.
anon
And I say this as someone who has family members who are both wealthy and poor: income and/or the ability to manage money is not a marker of moral character. Please do not be embarrassed about your parent’s economic status.
Anonymous
Honey this is not embarrassing. You are not your parents. Your parents’ financial distress during your childhood does NOT mean you are a bad person, and in fact, does not mean your parents were or are bad people! It means your parents did not have the skills to manage the money they had, or enough money in the first place. Full stop. That is totally okay.
But, I agree with other posters, this is not a big deal and you can definitely frame it as a gift to your parents.
Baconpancakes
Agreed with all the above, but seconding the need to talk about your family’s finances with your husband. If they have enough to live but not save a lot, you’re likely going to be paying for more and more of their expenses as they get older. Medical bills just get worse. Eventually they’ll need some kind of help, whether nursing or just home maintenance/cleaning, assuming they don’t need to move to an assisted living facility or move in with you (or siblings, if you have them). Don’t let their finances be a surprise to your husband.
Anonymous
There is no shame in this, and I am sorry you carry this shame.
I would absolutely discuss it with your husband, and I am also startled you haven’t been so forthcoming so far. It will be hard to have the first conversation, but I suspect your husband will be very understanding and supportive.
This is a lovely gesture for your parents.
But, as one who also organizes the shoveling company for my parents, that is a really high quote, and I never paid close to that in a moderately high cost of living area outside of Chicago. But I’ll trust you on that. Maybe they have a huge estate…
More importantly, now you are opening the door, so this may need to be ongoing as it will be hard to not offer it again next year. So this may also be the year to start discussing with them their long term living plans, because if their finances are quite tight and they are not able to afford/manage snow, it may be time to downsize to an apartment/condo.
If your parents are not elderly and you are just offering the snow shoveling to help out, I might carefully think if that large amount of $$ ($3000 is A LOT of money to a low income senior) could be put to better use for their quality of life?
Anonymous
+1 to all this. And I agree that there is no shame in this. If anything, and I hope my sincerity comes through in this comment, I would be proud to have you as a daughter (or spouse/friend/coworker).
Shopping.
Such a thoughtful thing to do for your parents! Makes me sad for you that your husband knows so little about you not to know how you grew up.
Yup
THIS x million. What an important part of your history to keep from your husband.
Bonnie
Just tell him the truth. I grew up poor as well and it’s nothing to be ashamed off. It’s not a flaw but rather shows how much you’ve persevered and accomplished. You don’t have to discuss it in detail just tell him “I want to help my parents out so will be surprising them with a snow clearing service.”
Anon
I noticed a few people mentioned long term care costs. While doing this, you might want to discuss planning for these costs to your parents and suggesting they see an elder law attorney to protect what they do have. Honestly, it’s people with low to moderate estates that need this the most but often think they don’t. Also, the earlier they do planning, the better.
Nancy Raygun
This is my biggest concern. You can’t continue to carry the burden of hiding your upbringing. Being poor is not something you be ashamed up. I’m sure your parents are proud of you for doing so well and I bet your husband will continue to love if you you tell him what’s up. You’re being a good daughter by helping your parents out. But you guys need to talk about the future possibilities of helping your parents out. I wish you the best of luck. You’re going to feel great when that weight starts to slip off your shoulders.
Wildkitten
Agreed. Also, growing up poor and becoming not-poor is pretty bad*ss and beyond being not shameful, it’s something I am very proud of. (Not everyone has the same opportunities as I did, I didn’t pull myself up by my bootstraps, but I’m happy to have the lived the experience I did and to be in a different situations but with the knowledge I have from growing up the way I did.)
P
I have a jacket from AT that is a few years old. It is in great shape except that the faux leather trim is disintegrating. It would need to be replaced. Any ideas about where I could get it fixed? Shoe repair place? I definitely don’t want to go anywhere that would require me to purchase my own fabric to replace the trim, which seems like what most tailors would say. There are no fabric stores locally (too HCOL area) and fabric shopping is not in my “time budget”. Or is the jacket probably not worth saving?
anon-oh-no
not worth saving.
Shopaholic
It sounds like it’s not worth saving. It seems like it would be a difficult and expensive repair, even if you can find someone to do it. There are a lot of jackets with leather trim out now so maybe you can save the time and money and look for a replacement?
Delta Dawn
Do you have a regular tailor? I would call and ask them. They often have fabric for projects like this. Faux leather trim might be a stretch, but depending where the trim is and how it interacts with the seams, you could consider an alternative fabric replacement (a matte black satin might have the same effect as the faux leather). If your tailor says they can do it AND they have some fabrics that might work, look at the fabric options when you drop off the jacket. If you don’t like any of them, just skip it.
Violet
Check Amazon for fabric–so many options at all price points.
https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=black+leather+fabric
P
Thanks!
Shopping.
Completely off-topic: favorite online florists or fake flowers? I want to cover an ugly door, or at least a 25×35″ portion of it, with something attractive, seasonal (fall, going past Halloween) and not too expensive.
ITDS
JennysFlowerShop on Etsy. Great quality, big variety, and she’ll make deals on shipping for large orders.
petite
Favorite camisole for small-busted figures to wear under drape-y blouses?
Don’t want clingy/shape wear type camisoles. Want silky drape-y types that wont smoosh my small bust any smaller.
Anonymous
I hope you see this late reply – I LOVE J Crew’s silk camisoles. They’re real 100% silk and I think you can find them in the suiting section. I hate camisoles that cling too. Silk also breathes nicely so you don’t get hot.
Anonymous
Forgot to add, I handwash mine in the sink with a tiny bit of gentle detergent. No dry cleaning necessary.
petite
This is perfect. Many thanks!
Wedding threadjack
Another wedding threadjack, sorry. A good friend got engaged several months ago and asked me to be a bridesmaid. Before accepting, I asked if she has her heart set on a particular date; I know 2017 seems far away but I already have some commitments. She told me the month, let’s say June next year, but that she doesn’t care what date. I told her that I have a wedding scheduled one weekend in June and my 30th birthday (the actual day-of) is over another, but I will happily be a bridesmaid as long as the wedding isn’t on one of those two weekends. She promised not to pick those weekends so I agreed to be a bridesmaid.
You can probably guess where this is going. She scheduled the wedding for my birthday. I told her I can’t attend. She’s throwing a fit because birthdays aren’t that important, why can’t I just celebrate some other time, this is HER DAYYYY, etc. DH thinks we should celebrate my birthday some other time and just go to the wedding. I don’t want to. I told my friend that I had plans that weekend but she decided that my plans weren’t important. I think that’s BS. This friend has a habit of being self-centered and I’m over pandering to it. If she decides that the friendship is over because I won’t skip celebrating me to celebrate her then I’m OK with that. DH thinks I’m cutting off my nose to spite my face. Thoughts?
Opal
Do you actually have plans on your 30th birthday, or are you anticipating having plans?
yup
Are you serious?
You really expect your friend to schedule HER WEDDING around your 30th birthday?
You sound more like you are turning 20…. not 30.
I completely agree with your husband.
You may have already damaged your friendship, but clearly it doesn’t mean that much to you.
OP
I’m not expecting her to schedule around me. She can have her wedding whenever she wants. But she doesn’t get to demand that I attend when I’ve already told her I’m unavailable then.
P
deep down, I think this “fit” is really about her being hurt realizing how little you care about her friendship.
Anonymous
She’s understandable mad because you told her that your birthday is more important than her wedding. Obviously she tried to avoid the date and it didn’t work out. If you don’t want to be in/attend the wedding – fine. But it’s totally reasonable for her to be offended by that.
OP
She didn’t try to avoid the date. The venue is available the other weekend I could attend in June. She and fiance and their families don’t have any conflicts with the other dates. She just prefers the date of my birthday. Which is fine! She can pick whatever weekend she wants for whatever reason she wants. But I think it’s unreasonable for her to demand – not ask, not explain that she knows she’s going back on what she said but this date works best and she hopes I’ll consider it – that I will be canceling my plans to attend her wedding.
Anonymous
Where do you see that she tried to avoid the date though? I think it’s very different if the friend comes back and says “my preferred venue wasn’t free on those other two weekends, so I had to go with your birthday. Sorry!” than if she just schedules it on the birthday with no explanation. It sounds more like the second situation.
Anonymous
Do you honestly think that your date preferences were the only variables going into her decision?
You are practically suggesting that she chose your birthday just to spite you… challenge you…. bring your friendship to an impasse.
Well, there it is. Make your choice.
Opal
But she gets to feel hurt that you picked a birthday over being in her wedding, assuming she’s actually a good friends. You can’t get upset at her being upset. You just can’t. I echo others – this is way deeper than just the date conflict.
Anonymous
“DH thinks we should celebrate my birthday some other time and just go to the wedding. ”
This is the correct adult approach to the situation. It’s crazy that you tried to dictate her wedding date based on your 30th birthday. Celebrate with a big party on another day.
Anonymous
adding that the only way it would have been remotely acceptable is if you had booked and paid for a NONREFUNDABLE trip for your birthday BEFORE she got engaged/asked you to be a bridesmaid.
Then it wouldn’t have been crazy to ask her to try to avoid that date but you should still have graciously accepted it if she did (and declined to be a bridesmaid if that was your preference)
Ugh
+ this
Having already booked a nonrefundable trip during that same weekend is the only valid justification for your feelings right now. If you don’t have any set plans for your birthday yet but are willing to miss your friend’s WEDDING, so be it but you won’t find much support here for that behavior.
the gold digger
My birthday is next week. My husband is in the middle of his campaign for state office. He asked what I wanted to do to celebrate. I said, “Let’s go out after the election.”
Honestly. It’s a day. One day. The celebration does not have to happen on the actual day.
anon
If you have non-refundable tickets booked for your birthday, then I get it. If you are just holding your options open because your birthday happens to be that Saturday, then yeah, that seems a little much. I can’t tell if you are digging in so strongly because you are that set on celebrating your birthday on the actual day or this is just the last straw. There’s a very good chance that there other reasons she had to pick that date (venue, her family, etc) so I wouldn’t think she was doing it just to spite you.
Anonymous
+1
Have you tried to plan a wedding in June before?
Sydney Bristow
This is basically what I think too.
Since you’re concerned about her being self-centered and you pandering to it, I’d probably decide that its best to go as a guest and not be a bridesmaid. But I’d likely at least go to the wedding if I didn’t already have big ticket plans already booked for that weekend.
Senior inhouse lawyer
Actual adult birthdays really aren’t that important. Really liking the person whose wedding you have agreed to be in, however, is. Doesn’t sound like you like her all that much, so perhaps it’s good you have an excuse.
Anonymous
Right. You obvi hate her?
Nancy Raygun
Yeah, honestly it sounds like you already have problems with her seeming self-centered, so you’re being self-centered back. Don’t go if it’s not that important to you. But know that it means you are probably not going to stay friends.
Anonymous
Yeah, birthdays aren’t that important, but 30th birthdays are more special than the average birthday, and she’s going back on what she told you she’d do, so I think it’s fine to drop out. if you would genuinely enjoy celebrating with her and other friends who will be at the wedding, then yes, I think you’re kind of cutting off your nose to spite your face by dropping out of the wedding just to prove a point. But if you would rather spend the day solo or with different friends or on a getaway with DH, then drop out of the wedding. She was told your participation was contingent on availability and she chose to schedule it at at a time when you’re not available.
Anonymous
my best friend actually chose a different weekend because I was taking the bar exam and I felt awful about THAT. I can’t imagine asking someone to schedule around my birthday.
Mindy
My friend chose a different year because I was graduating from law school (and to give her husband’s friends enough time to travel during residency).
P
I’m with DH. But I would move around celebrating my birthday to attend a wedding, not to mention be an attendant in one. I just can’t imagine telling someone that I couldn’t be in her wedding because it happened to fall on my birthday weekend.
Seems like the bigger issue is that you just don’t want to be friends with this person anymore. But my guess is that your “friend” has already figured that out.
Anon
Your husband is right. It is HER DAYYY. You don’t even like this person– you say you are fine with ending the friendship over this. Why did you even agree to be in this wedding? (And, you call the friend self-centered, but you are clearly the self-centered one in this situation. And the fact that you don’t have the self-awareness to realize that before posting it here shows how self-centered you are.)
Suburban
I got married on my maid of honor’s birthday. She swore up and down that there was nothing she’d rather do that day. It was probably a lie but she’s a great friend and had a great attitude.
I know it’s not your ideal birthday but being in a wedding has its fun points:champagne, food, dancing, primping with your friends -plus you still get to celebrate another weekend. If you consider all this and still resent the idea of being there, I would bow out. Being a miserable bridesmaid is worse than not being one at all. Plus, you’ll have your bday to yourself.
January
I like weddings (I usually get to see some friends I haven’t seen in a while, and it’s a party). I wouldn’t really mind being in a wedding party on my birthday if it meant I got to spend time celebrating with a good friends.
Anonymous
+1 My sister got married on my 30th birthday. I don’t think we even discussed it before she picked a date. I didn’t care because adult birthdays aren’t a big deal. I enjoyed getting to see extended family (I live on the opposite coast from my whole family) on my birthday, and my sister had a birthday cake for me at the rehearsal dinner, which was unnecessary but sweet.
Walnut
I got married on my cousin’s 30th birthday. He joked that he got to have a giant birthday party and didn’t have to foot any of the bill for it. We sang happy birthday at the reception and encouraged everyone to make sure he had a drink in hand all night.
Coach Laura
Love this. Lucky cuz.
bridget
If you have actual plans for that weekend – plane tickets, hotel reservations, concert tickets, whatever – then keep with your plans.
If you had a general idea that it would be nice to go somewhere when your thirtieth is on a weekend (two in one birthday fun!), then go to your friend’s wedding.
From what everyone says, picking a wedding weekend is hard. There’s what is open at the venue and with the caterer, scheduling around things like a younger sibling’s graduation, etc. She’s probably not actually trying to upstage your birthday.
Anonymous
As someone who has had to be in or attend weddings on the weekend that contains or is closest to my own wedding anniversary for all five years I’ve been married (don’t tie the knot in August, folks!) I feel you. The next time a friend asks me to be a bridesmaid in an August wedding I’m telling her I can’t do the weekend that’s closest to our anniversary and if she agreed and then surprised me by scheduling it on that weekend I would totally back out. I don’t think birthdays or anniversaries are a huge deal in and of themselves, but I think if your friend asks for your availability and then schedules it at a time when you’re not available (absent a compelling reason), it’s fair game to back out.
Anon
I agree with this.
I think there are deeper issues here, but, even without that, to me it’s less that it is your birthday and more that you specifically said you couldn’t do x weekend and she had another option without any conflicts (though I’m guessing there was a conflict you don’t know about) yet picked x weekend. Of course, if you told her it’s because of your birthday but you didn’t have plans yet, then I can understand her thinking it wasn’t that big of a deal. I’d expect her to explain it to you differently, perhaps, but this is a situation where however many wrongs don’t make a right. Be the person to stop it and go to the wedding without making a big deal of it if you want to remain friends.
I’m having conflicts with a friend who is getting married (and I’ll be in the wedding) but at this point barely want to be friends with how she’s acting/treating me. I could see something like this happening with us, where the issues are much deeper than an actual date. I would get out of it except that I’m hopefully for the long term friendship still. If you similarly want to remain friends with this bride, get through it without making a stink.
BabyAssociate
“I think if your friend asks for your availability and then schedules it at a time when you’re not available (absent a compelling reason), it’s fair game to back out.” THIS. Honestly not sure it even matters what reason is that the weekend doesn’t work for you. But I will agree with other posters that it sounds like it could be a friendship-ruiner for the bride.
AIMS
I think that’s the OP’s problem – that she was asked to do this, said these two Saturdays are no good, everyone agreed and then was told ok, it’s one of these Saturdays. If it wasn’t her birthday but the other wedding, I don’t think anyone here would be saying OP has to back out of the other wedding. I’d imagine that it feels like her friend just doesn’t give a sh*t, which maybe is true, or maybe it’s just a lot of stress planning a June wedding and something has to give.
That said, I agree that it sounds like you are not really into this particular friendship and maybe you are being a little dramatic. If you don’t want to do this, say that you have long-standing plans to go on a trip for your 30th or sky dive or whatever and then actually do it. If it’s a real friendship, it’ll survive. If not, no need to waste your 30th bday playing attendant to this person.
Anonymous
She actually said that those entire WEEKENDS were out for her.
She knocked out half of June, since weddings essentially can only happen on weekends.
Sherry
Eight-year-olds get upset when they don’t have the actual date of their birthday all to themselves. Grown-ups don’t.
Are your birthdays always on weekends? What do you do when your birthday falls during the week? Don’t you just get up and go to work, and celebrate on the nearest available day that works?
Sorry, I think you’re the one out of line. You’re making way too much fuss over the actual date of your 30th birthday. Celebrate another weekend. Big deal. Ditto for those of you complaining about events on the day of your anniversary. Celebrate another day. The world won’t come to an end. Really.
Anonymous
Actually, my ten year old was not upset at all that we had an obligation on his birthday and had to celebrate his birthday on a different day.
Anonymous
You should listen to your husband. You’re behaving like a bratty child. Celebrate your birthday another weekend. Grow up. You are 30. It is time.
anon
She’s allowed to say no when asked to be a bridesmaid. For any reason she wants. And especially when she said she wasn’t available that weekend. I’m pretty disgusted at the comments here attacking OP — if she doesn’t want to do it that weekend, and she accepted contingent on it not being that weekend, there is nothing selfish about declining. Full stop.
anon
So something similar to this happened to me, also about my 30th birthday. I will echo, though, that the relationship was already strained, something others seem to be indicating to you.
I was in biglaw and miserable and had to cancel every vacation I had planned up until that point. A year before my 30th, I looked at the calendar and saw that it was on a Friday with the following Monday and Tuesday closed for the holiday. I decided that I would enforce this vacation time and take the Thursday-Tuesday off.
College friend asked me to be a bridesmaid before choosing a date and before choosing a location and, feeling cornered on the spot, I said yes. As I said, we had had a strained relationship – after college she moved across the country and then across the world and was constantly complaining to me that I never came to visit her in these places, while I was in law school and then after. Biglaw really messed with my head re priorities, but it was also an extremely demanding schedule (both in law school and at work). I also paid for law school myself and worked 2L and 3L years, so money and time were not in abundance. She ended up picking her wedding the weekend before my birthday, on a Friday, in Italy, two hours outside of any major airport. (Destination location for both families, so it was a surprise.) This would involve not only considerable costs for me but also more vacation time, a week before I had already blocked off that time in my schedule and planned a trip (which was a 2 hr plane ride and domestic, but still felt like a luxury I had waited 5 years for). I felt very guilty and miserable about it all – I would love to go to Italy and take lots of vacation but I couldn’t. I knew that given how she had been upset in the years before that I wasn’t able to visit her in Singapore and London while I was in law school meant that she would probably cut me off, but ultimately it was a risk I had to take and decided that the friendship wasn’t really that great anyway.
It sucks and I’m sorry. I think others are right that there me be something more going on here. Do what feels right to you. Deep down do you feel guilty for saying no or relieved for saying no?
Anonymous
Asking someone to commit to being your bridesmaid without telling them the wedding is on another continent is bonkers. Unexpected international travel is always an out. And if a person would dump your friendship over that, that wasn’t a friendship worth preserving.
Wildkitten
I think it’s perfectly fine to prioritize your birthday, and especially your 30th birthday. I had a friend get engaged a few days before my birthday this year and told her I was glad her F did not propose on my birthday and also asked the set date and thanked her that it was also not on my birthday. I might go anyway if it was, but it’d definitely give me pause. But in this case it sounds like, based on her reaction, you don’t want to be her bridesmaid anyway. Don’t torture yourself for 9 months by being this zilla’s bmaid.
Blonde Lawyer
I can’t imagine caring if someone got engaged or married on my birthday.
Wildkitten
There is great diversity in the universe.
Unselfish
Your friends can’t have important things happen on your birthday? What kind of a friendship is that? My friends and I share and celebrate each other’s happiness. I’ve shared my birthday celebration with celebrating a friend’s promotion and am excited to spend my 40th next year at my cousin’s wedding. It’ll be a great party!
Sydney Bristow
We got engaged while on vacation with my family…on my sister’s boyfriend’s (now husband’s) birthday. I felt a little bad that we stole his thunder but he swears it wasn’t a big deal. We celebrated both things that day though.
Thistle
Birthdays tend to be bigger deals in some places than others. And I do think a 30th is quite a big deal. With the people I know and work with its completely acceptable to decline plans on broth day weekends, let alone a big birthday weekend. We really celebrate big adult birthdays and people expect you to have something “special” planed. Guess it’s a slightly different culture to many on this forum.
If I were you I’d politely but firmly tell the bride that you wish her and her wedding well but that you will be indisposed that weekend and so cannot be part of her plans. The bride has every right to pick the day she wants and to not take anyone else into consideration, but she does not have the right to expect everyone else to jump to her demands. Sorry.
Jane
I would miss the wedding. When a friend of 20+ years was planning her wedding, she told me it would be at a beach in Mexico and asked if I would attend. I told her I would not because I was concerned about drug cartel activity at the location. She had her wedding there and I did not go. We were both disappointed that we did not share her wedding because we had shared everything since we were small children. However, I’ve never felt somehow guilty that I did not go: she asked if I would attend if she got married in a certain place, I said no, she got married there. I didn’t need her to plan her wedding around my desires. But I also don’t think I’m required to change my strong preferences to match someone else’s desires. I realize that a birthday is different than feeling like one’s safety is at risk.
I’m also wondering if OP, like me, doesn’t enjoy weddings. There are a lot of reasons I don’t like them, including they are hell for serious introverts such as myself. OP’s 30th birthday gives her a reason to not attend the wedding and perhaps have a peaceful birthday weekend with DH. I agree with many posters that birthdays are not the end all for adults, but I was pretty freaking excited this year when my birthday finally fell on a weekend. I blocked off the entire weekend to spend just with my hubby. It was perfect. If a friend had invited me to a wedding that weekend, I also probably would have declined. If this is what OP wants to do, she doesn’t owe it to anyone to attend a wedding. As is often said around here, you do you.
Anon
As someone who is a bridesmaid in a wedding of a good friend — that happens to be on my birthday — you are being beyond crazy. YOU ARE A GROWN UP.
Anon
If you don’t want to be a bridesmaid, don’t be a bridesmaid. This clearly isn’t about your birthday. No one cares about celebrating their adult birthday on the exact day that much. You could easily do it some other time and you are choosing not to.
Brunette Elle Woods
I’m going to disagree with the majority of the commenters. I personally don’t care about my birthday, but I’m not going to knock someone who does. You are allowed to want to celebrate your birthday especially your 30th. I think the issue here is that she asked you for dates, scheduled her wedding for a date you told her you were not available, and then got upset with you. This is where you have to really think about how important this friendship is to you. If you don’t go to the wedding it might end your friendship, which is not always a bad thing.
Anonymous
Honestly, it just sounds like you don’t want to be a bridesmaid. I don’t think the birthday issue is the real issue. I think you could take or leave being a bridesmaid. Totally fine, that’s your choice.
DCR
I’m looking for a new dinning room table and am going to be in the Asheville, NC area last this month. I’ve heard that there are great furniture stores in NC. Are any in the Asheville area? Any particular recommendations?
(not that) Ellen
Thomasville/High Point/Lexington NC is the big “furniture capital,” but it’s been years since I lived in NC so I don’t know names of manufacturers (other than Thomasville itself). Thomasville is nearly a 3-hour drive from Asheville, though.
Anonymous
This whole story sounds a little troll-y, but I’ll play.
You are an adult, and your birthday is just not that big a deal. Not even your 30th. I spent my 30th birthday puking into a trash can because I was pregnant. I am about to spend my 40th giving a boring presentation at a conference. I am firmly opposed to bridezillas, but I am even more opposed to birthday princesses. Suck it up and stand up for your friend. If you are lucky, she will get everyone to sing “Happy Birthday to You” at the rehearsal dinner.
Anon
the bridezilla versus the birthday princess. I couldn’t agree more.
josie
Has anyone ever taken, and passed, a second bar exam without studying?
I’m an attorney with about five years of experience. One day, I’d like to move to Colorado, where I have some close friends and family. This is a long-ways-off plan, but if I heard of the perfect opportunity, I might jump at it. Problem is, the kind of perfect opportunity I’m looking for requires that you already be licensed in their state. I’m wondering if I should sign up for the February bar and give it a whirl with minimal studying, just to see how I do, before I *need* to pass. Has anyone ever done this with success? Any thoughts about Colorado’s bar specifically?
Sydney Bristow
Does Colorado not have any reciprocity options? I’m moving back to Oregon someday but I’m really hoping that my work counts as “practicing law” for purposes of reciprocity so I don’t have to take the bar exam.
Anon
If you have practiced for five of the last seven years, Colorado has reciprocity with most states.
Anonymous
Colorado has reciprocity with Texas if you’ve practiced 3 of the last 5 years. Though you need a less than 2 year old MPE score. No need to take the bar again.
Ugh
Can’t you waive in, given that you have been practicing for 5 years?
If not, would you have to retake the MBE? You MIGHT be able to wing the essays, but the MBE, I’d say forget it. I think most people taking the initial MBE practice questions (during the early weeks of bar prep) fail most or at least half the questions.
Finally, do you remember anything about your bar exam? I sure don’t. I would need a refresher.
josie
Yikes, should have specified. I’m barred in California… no reciprocity. I think that means I can’t waive in, too?
Anonymous
Not necessarily. There are states that let anyone waive in, even people coming from states without reciprocity. I moved from California to a new state and was able to waive in with 5 year of practice. The waive-in process was a BEAR though and took almost a year and tons and tons of paperwork and an in-person interview. Taking the exam might have been less burdensome and almost certainly would have been faster.
January
Yeah, no reciprocity means you can’t waive into another state’s bar. It’s…. great.
Signed,
Member of Another Non-Reciprocal Bar
January
Edited to add that the response above mine is more accurate. You’d have to check Colorado’s rules.
Anonymous
http://www.coloradosupremecourt.com/PDF/BLE/List%20of%20Reciprocal%20Admission%20Jurisdictions.pdf
No reciprocity with California.
Anonymous
Minimal studying is different than no studying. I’ve heard of people passing with very minimal studying (including someone who passed California) but I also know some very smart people who studied a little, took it and failed. I believe if you take and fail the bar you lose the option to waive in, at least in some states, so I’d look very seriously into that before taking the exam on a whim.
I can’t imagine passing it with no studying. I took and passed a February 2016 bar and I was a little shocked by how much actual knowledge was required, even on the essays. BS-ing and using your legal analysis skills will only carry you over the finish line if you know a minimal amount of law. There were essays on my exam that said “Recite Rule X.YZ of the State Appellate Rules of Procedure” and stuff like that. I don’t know how you’re going to have ANYTHING to write down for that question if you haven’t studied at least a little.
cbackson
+1 I took the essay portion of a second state’s bar exam, and there was an essay that was simply unanswerable if you didn’t know the state’s rules of procedure by number (“How would Rule XX apply in this situation?”). Not even a hint as to the subject matter of that rule, btw.
JTX
Have you looked into CO’s reciprocity and licensing requirements? I am originally licensed in TX and recently got licensed in another state (not CO) and I did not have to take another bar exam. My MBE score transferred and I had to fill out a bunch of paperwork and take an easy online state-specific exam. Not sure how it works in CO, but it’s possible it might be easier than you think.
JTX
Whoops. I should have refreshed the page before I replied.
Anonymous
Yup! Studied for 5 days for NJ and passed.
anon
NJ has like an 80% pass rate, doesn’t it?
Anon
NJ is a joke. I hardly studied and passed. You can’t compare NJ to any other state.
Anon
Also look at how expensive it is. For some states, the cost is high enough that I wouldn’t want to pay it for just a try.
Some states let you sorry of waive in where you don’t take the MBE, just the essay. At least that would be easier, and cheaper!
Denver
It sounds like you mean becoming a public defender? You can’t just not study at all. I initially took Colorado, then took Pennsylvania while working. I took the Themis course, basically just listened to the recordings, and reviewed practice essay answers.
Anonymous
I took VA bar initially. Studied very minimally 3 years later for NY bar and passed easily (NY is not that hard by comparison IMO – I think its passage rates in NY are so low b/c of all the foreigners that are allowed to take the bar there, b/c that was SUPER easy for a native English speaker as compared to VA.) Don’t know what the scoop is on Colorado.
NYCer
I had this experience as well. I took California initially, and 4 years later took and passed New York with much (much) less studying.
That being said, I am not sure that I could have passed NY with *no* studying.
MK
I moved to Denver for my husband’s job. I am licensed in Texas and had just hit my five year mark when we moved to Colorado. We ended up getting transferred back to Texas in less than a year (I am still sad about the move back), but I wanted to sit for the CO bar exam despite being eligible for reciprocity because (1) obtaining reciprocity was just as expensive (or not much less) as sitting for the bar and (2) I wanted to learn about CO law and procedure if we were to make CO our permanent home.
interesting?
I’m all for interesting, even eccentric, clothing, but browsing I just found this:
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/junya-watanabe-laser-cut-3d-top/4447140?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=BLACK
I don’t even know what to do with this
Nancy Raygun
That’s a little weird, but I’m almost into it. I’d wear the hell out of this though;
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/junya-watanabe-sculptural-bonded-nylon-dress/4447121?origin=category-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=BLACK
Anonymous
Alex, I’ll take “Things You Wear to an Art Gallery Opening” for $3,072.00, please.
Nancy Raygun
Totally. That’s crazy money I’ll never spend on an item of clothing, but in a fantasy world, I’d totally go to an opening in that.
Wildkitten
This is Kate Spade’s design. Why would you copy a cheaper designer? http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/junya-watanabe-steer-glass-leather-handbag/4447184
Parfait
Only for Bjork, really.
asfd
Wow that jacket is gorgeous. Is this too outlandish for a more junior person to wear?
AIMS
I don’t think so but how would it work with a coat? Would you need to size up? It feels like it’d be bulky.
Wildkitten
It looks like a karate uniform.
Jeffiner
My husband and I work in the same department of a major STEM company. The company has some “temporary” opportunities at a location half way across the country, and has asked for volunteers. I say “temporary” because they can’t provide us a timeline on how long the work will last (2 months? 6 months? a year? longer?). We also can’t have a guarantee that our current jobs will be available when we return, but we can be assured that we would have positions somewhere in the company.
Our current department doesn’t really have a lot of work right now, and while we are in no danger of losing our jobs, work is really boring. Our manager fully admits that our job is boring right now, and thinks this would be a great opportunity for both of us to get more experience.
Would you take a temporary position in another state? My husband and I also have a toddler, who would travel with us. I think my biggest concern is the commitments we have here – sports leagues, volunteer work, fun classes, etc.
Anonymous
Nope. Not unless I had a burning desire to move and was super into instability. I’d spend that time looking for other jobs.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t take it without *some* sense of the length of the commitment. If it was under 6 months, I don’t think I’d do it. If it were over 1 year, I’d for sure do it. If it was somewhere in between, I’d have to really think about it.
At what point would you get a sense of the length of the opportunity? How would you plan to rent or sublease your place? How would you make school plans? At someone point they’d have to give you an idea of how long you’d be relocated…
SD
100% depends on how cool the new location is. If it’s somewhere I think would be cool to live, why on earth not?
Wildkitten
Yes! You can BOTH go? How fun! Do it.
Walnut
I work in a company where it’s common for people to do rotations in other areas of the business for a variety of lengths of time. Most people have pre-negotiated the role they are coming back to at the end of the rotation.
Wildkitten
AIMS – where do you find your blouses that you don’t tuck in? I don’t tuck either and am always looking for good ones.
Nan
Second interview tomorrow. My current job is business casual and I only have one suit that fits – wore that to the first interview. It’s black but would be noticible if I work it 2x. I’m thinking navy skirt, gray blazer and blue/white stripe button down for tomorrow. Thoughts? Or should I go with a dress and blazer?
P
I would wear the same suit again, but with a different blouse underneath.
Anonymous
+1
Anonymous
+2. If you wear a different blouse and it’ s a plain black suit, no one will notice.
Frozen Peach
I would still wear a suit. One time where it could theoretically really, really matter to someone as symbolic value.
Stormtrooper
I would just wear it. I doubt they notice. The whole point of interview wear is largely to look professional but not stand out as too bizarre. So if you didn’t wear a leopard suit or something truly truly memorable, I’m sure you’re fine. If it makes you more comfortable, mix up the blouse, shoes and/or accessories.
Sloan Sabbith
I wrote last week about an incident I had at work with a colleague/friend who acted very badly. After getting advice here and talking to my therapist, I let him know we needed to talk…and then one of us was unexpectedly out of the office every day for the past five days. I followed up in there, letting him know we still needed to have a conversation.
The five day gap ended up being okay, as I had a chance to cool down. However, we had a chance to talk today.
Before I had a chance to say anything beyond “So…”, he said he acted inappropriately and unprofessionally, apologized and let me know it would absolutely never happen again and that I had every right to still be angry even after he apologized. There is no question, knowing him, that he was sincere. I didn’t think I needed to harp on it, beyond agreeing his behavior was unacceptable and could never happen again.
Thanks for the advice, everyone. Had he not taken the lead and recognized that how he acted was not okay, I would have used very firm language. But he very obviously knew and didn’t need me to condescend him.
Anonymous
Alright.
Now…keep a professional distance from this guy. Friendly… but no longer jokey friends.
Good luck. Be strong!
Tiffany
Hi, I am looking for a nice jacket and a pull over sweater, both with elbow pads, for my daughter. Plain colors like greys, blacks, dark blues, and tans. I know so many top brand clothing lines that have them but since it’s for my daughter and she is growing like crazy, I don’t want to spend too much. Especially because who knows if she’ll even like them in a year anymore. Any ideas on where to get the sweater and jacket for really cheap? I’m talking under $50. Any help would be great.
https://www.jcrew.com/p/womens_category/sweaters/pullover/elbowpatch-sweater/04278
http://m.shop.nordstrom.com/th/elbow-patches-womens-jacket
Michelle
Oh my goodness I love this suit and new line. I’m late 20’s professional and this is the perfect price point for me. Thank you for sharing!