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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 294 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Envelope Neck Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. $39 Envelope Neck Sheath DressOoooh: I gave a shoutout to this dress as a more affordable version of the magenta dress we suggested on Wednesday, but it's even lower now — down to $39. It comes in cobalt blue and red, sizes 0-18. (Only lucky sizes are left in the petites and tall size ranges, alas!) I like the square neck, three quarter sleeves, the seamed bodice, and the non-ostentatious zipper in the back. It's $39, online exclusively, at The Limited. Envelope Neck Sheath Dress This dress is a similar option in plus sizes. Another option: I like the details on this one less, but if you're looking for a solid black or darker color sheath dress with a square neck, this one comes in regular, petite, plus, and petite plus sizes. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

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Comments

  1. Anonymous

    How do you deal with big egos in the workplace (especially those in management)?

    • Anon

      Not sure, but I absolutely hate them, especially on men. Do you have a specific problem/person you’re dealing with?

    • Lynn

      Well, you’re probably not going to like this. If I don’t need something from them, I ignore them. If I need something, I kiss butt. It sucks, I’m sorry, but it works.

    • Anonny

      I wish I knew. But for now a funny story. My boss recently reprimanded me for a ‘mistake’ and insisted that I ‘won’t do that again, because it’s a team effort’. Said ‘mistake’ was me refusing to break the law. I guess I’ll continue to make mistakes

    • Anonymous

      I’ll be honest. Sometimes I dumb myself down to get along, play nice, and get what I want. By that, I mean validating the ego even when they’re wrong. That’s how I manage up.

    • BeenThatGuy

      Survival of the fittest my dear. Wear a brown nose when needed and practice conflict avoidance the rest of the time.

    • Meredith Grey

      +1. Agree that this is the most effect in the moment/at work/dealing/managing, but what do you all do with the internal consequences of appeasing and buying into the ego? I end up with a lot of pent up anger (especially when I feel like there’s a gendered component to it). Any good internal scripts that people use that help them reconcile it all??

      • Anonymous

        Read “The No Asshole Rule”. It briefly discusses the skill of being detached from workplace drama. It is a good read.

      • Lizbet

        “Do I want to be ‘right’ or do I want to be effective? Can’t always be both.”

        • Samantha

          Is this the hill you want to die on? Do I really care about this? (As anonny says above, if it’s obeying the law, maybe it is. If not, let it go).
          Practice that teenager “whaaatever” mental eyeroll and keep on keeping on.

    • NYNY

      If it’s someone who can impact my advancement or the perception of me by others who can impact my advancement, I flatter the ego while doing all I can to work around the ego-bearing person.

  2. Tired

    I’ve been feeling extra tired lately, which is partially due to being back in grad school and partially to not eating a great diet/working out much. I was wondering if any of you have found that working out consistently and eating well has made a noticeable difference in your day-to-day energy. I find myself getting so tired by 8 pm (even though I usually get 8 hours a night). I think I would do better with 9, but that’s not realistic with my grad school schedule. I’m looking for other ways to optimize my energy levels – any ideas? Any great snack foods that help you get through long days without crashing?

    • Anonymous

      I’d really focus on sleep if you think you need it. The rest is a bandaid. Can you fit in naps into your schedule?

      • Anon

        Unfortunately, I can very rarely nap – for some reason, my body just doesn’t want to go to asleep outside of bedtime. I spent 20 minutes laying there feeling like I’m wasting my time. Thanks everyone for the good suggestions so far! I do think my sleep isn’t as restful as it could be – we got a new mattress last year and it’s a tad too firm.

        • rosie

          I don’t know how much TV you watch/enjoy, so this may not apply. I am usually not a napper either, but I find that lying down for 20-30 minutes watching a little light TV helps me feel a bit rested afterwards.

      • Health

        Workout and diet is not a bandaid and would probably help you a lot. If you’re getting 8 hours of sleep, 9 might be better for you personally, but 8 really should be sufficient that you can make it to 8pm without crashing. The problem is, if you don’t have an extra hour for sleeping, you don’t have an extra hour to work out, either. Can you do 30 minutes? Even a brisk walk around your campus for 30 minutes once a day would make you feel better. You don’t say what you’ve been eating, so it’s hard to advise, but if you can make healthier food choices and get your heart rate up for 30 minutes a day, or even every other day, you will feel better.

        • Anonymous

          Maybe “bandaid” was too strong a word, but the whole country is basically running at a sleep deficit and we wonder why we are all depressed, overweight, exhausted, and cranky. Diet and exercise matter for sure, but sleep is just a biological necessity. Maybe if we don’t have the time we need for it, we have too much on our plates. It’s also possible that if the OP gets 9 hours for a few weeks, she may find that she’s paid off her sleep debt and can do with 8pm.

          I wouldn’t have said all of this quite as sharply if she herself didn’t acknowledge that: a) she thinks 9 would be better, and b) she could stay up past 8pm (which is pretty early for an adult bedtime).

    • Anonymous

      I find that even a brisk 20 minute walk makes me feel more energized and sleep feels more restorative. I also avoid alcohol entirely when I’m feeling rundown, since even a glass of wine upsets my sleep.

    • Lynn

      Diet and exercise can’t make up for lack of sleep, but if you’re already getting a solid 8 hours, maybe you just need more. Do you wake up a lot in the night, or do you sleep through? Maybe increase it by 20 minutes and fix your diet. I’ve found that sugar has a huge impact on how tired I feel, but since I really like sour patch kids, I tend to ignore my own advice.

      • Anonymous

        This is good advice too – how’s your sleep quality? Could you have apnea or something else that diminishes the quality of the 8 hours you do get?

    • anon

      Might be the time of year. Even a mild pollen allergy can really wear you down; daily allergy meds can help offset that, though of course you’ll need a non-drowsy one. The days getting shorter also really messes up my internal clock. Try to be more strict about your schedule – wake up, eat, and go to sleep at the same times every day – to get back on track.

      In terms of diet, drink more water, no coffee after ~2 p.m., eat smaller meals more frequently, increase your green leafy veggies and protein and reduce your carbs/sugar especially later in the day.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, diet and exercise do make a significant difference in how I feel day-to-day. For me, I find that if I eat fewer processed carbs (which I love), I feel more alert, less sluggish, and less bloated. Same with exercise. I try to get in a solid 30-45 minutes a few times a week, and walk a lot (easy in my area).

      My go-to snacks these days are: apples (or banana) with PB/AB, a kind bar, or cottage cheese with fruit. I try to keep a decent protein/carb ratio in my snacks.

      Other things that I do: no coffee past noon. If I need a boost, I will drink tea. I drink a ton of water. I try to eat healthy-ish breakfasts, lunches, and snacks to keep my energy levels stable through the day.

      But like someone else said, it could just be the change of seasons.

    • Terry

      I started to make lunch my biggest meal of the day and it made a huge difference in my energy levels.

    • CHL

      Also consider your iron – I was just feeling this way and realized that my diet had shifted a little bit and I needed to get back on my iron supplement.

      • SD

        A whole blood workup wouldn’t be a bad idea; my SO found out recently that he had profound deficiencies in Vitamin D, which was contributing to his lack of energy.

        • CountC

          +1 I found out I was really low in B12 and have been getting shots. I haven’t noticed a daily difference in my energy level, but what I have noticed is that when I don’t get a full night’s sleep I am nowhere NEAR as tired as I used to be. It seems to be making a difference in that sense. Worth checking out!

          • MargaretO

            I had the same problem and the shots make an enormous difference, I feel it on regular days too. Definitely go to a doctor and get this checked out OP!

        • Anon

          I agree. I was feeling the same way and ignored it for too long. I finally had my blood work done and found out I have low thyroid, Hashimoto’s, and very low Vitamin D (mine was 9).

        • Anonymous

          I went on prescription Vitamin D after finding out I was really really deficient in Vitamin D. I had felt like I was running through a fog for years and magically I felt like my normal intelligent self again. Even if you don’t have time for blood work, you might find you just feel better on Vitamin D. Nothing lost if it doesn’t help.

    • Anon

      Have you been tested for anemia? For me, this is a sign I need to go back on iron supplementation.

    • Anonymous

      Some people simply need nine hours of sleep a night. If you weren’t feeling rested unless you got 12 hours, I would agree with the comments to make changes to your diet/exercise/have your bloodwork done to check for anemia etc. But needing nine hours of sleep is well within the normal range and you should just listen to your body and get the extra hour. You may not feel like you have time for it, but you might be surprised at how much more efficient and productive you are when you’re well-rested.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        I have a chronic illness and work full time. But life is better for everyone if I get 9+ hours of sleep per night and 12-14 on the weekend. It’s difficult, but I’ve finally realized I have to just prioritize it. It was super tough during law school; as college as it felt, I often just scheduled my classes starting at 10:30 so I didn’t have to try to get home and to bed by 9 after class until 7:30, for example.

    • Anonymous

      Multivitamin with iron; also take a pregnancy test if there is any chance. I did PT grad school while working. Nothing made me as tired as being 3-10 weeks pregnant. Like literally could not stay awake, fantasized about leaving work at 2:30 to go to sleep; in bed by 7.

    • ChiLaw

      I haaaaate to exercise, but regular exercise both gives me more energy during the day AND helps me sleep better at night. When I get off the train (hey, right now! sick + travel + sick = haven’t been to the gym in ages) I feel blah and like, “I’m tiiiired why would I want to go get sweaty and uncomfortable?” but if I do it consistently for a few days I’m reminded why it’s worth doing. Because I’m peppier during the day, I seem able to fit more in, focus better, etc. I am not sure it actually buys me back the time I spend by making me a ‘better’ me during the day, but I pretend.

      I’m really not an exercise evangelist, I *never* enjoy doing it, but I have to admit I see the benefits when I do it.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to exercise both giving you more energy and helping you sleep. It’s not just about how long you sleep, but also how well you sleep and whether you _stay_ asleep. Exercise helps me in all of those areas.

    • pass the fiber

      I did an (accidental) experiment a few months ago. I eat pretty well now- high protein, good quality food with limited processing, decent amount of vegetables, reasonable/low alcohol intake, very minimal refined sugar and refined carbs. This has been a steady transition over the last few years.

      I visited my sister for the weekend and ate pretty poorly- she does not have the best eating habits (and has gained a ton of weight in the past 5 years or so), and she also doesn’t have the expendable income/desire to shell out for artisnal mixed greens or whatever the f’ it is that I spend all my money on.

      We ate mostly pancakes, cereal, Panera bread, pasta with meat sauce, and pizza that weekend. The only vegetable I ate was steamed broccoli, and some cherry tomatoes I stashed in my purse for the car ride. No booze. By the end of the long weekend, I felt terrible. My stomach was crampy, I was bloated, but most disturbing of all was how exhausted I was. I had no energy and couldn’t focus, despite the fact that it was a restful weekend with a lot of sleep.

    • Ally McBeal

      My energy levels/tiredness is much, much better when I cut out grains, sugar, dairy, and alcohol. About a year ago, I noticed that I was just crashing hard in the late afternoon. Cutting out those foods from my diet basically fixed the problem. I did a Whole 30 to start, and then experimented to see what worked for me. I know a lot of people think of it as a fad diet, but it was extremely useful for me as a tool to understand my own body. I think that as I get older, I’m just more sensitive to processed foods and carbs. I didn’t notice much weight loss from this regimen, but there was a very clear impact on my energy levels. I agree that sleep is very important, but you might also try this kind of an eating plan as an experiment to see if it helps.

      • ANP

        Yep yep yep! Whole30 alumna here as well. My energy was THROUGH THE ROOF when I did mine. I’m still experimenting with post Whole30 life, but overall I can say it taught me a ton about how I should be eating in order to feel my best.

    • Goatsgoatsgoats

      Have you considered a happy lamp? I used to think it was total woo woo but last fall/winter was really rough on my energy levels and I found that a happy lamp really helped.

  3. anonymous

    I’m starting a job soon that requires a ton of travel. How do you pack so that your clothes don’t wrinkle? Other general tips?

    • HSAL

      Will you be wearing suits? Google, there are some good tutorials for how to fold suit jackets. I generally try to pack things that aren’t terribly wrinkly, but generally rolling is a good method and I make sure to hang everything up as soon as I get to the hotel. Usually a shower steam is enough for any remaining wrinkles. I know some people like packing cubes, but I’ve never seen the point.

      I suggest having a few mini-capsules to make packing easier. Depending on how often you see the same people when traveling, you can rotate through so you’re not wearing the same clothes every trip. Definitely check out Road Warriorette if you haven’t yet, she’s got some great tips.

    • Cat

      I recently tried the “rolling” technique and was pleasantly surprised. For items that won’t roll nicely, I layer other clothing (like underwear, PJs, socks, etc) so that the fold lines won’t be pronounced. Pack heavier items like shoes/toiletries so that they’ll be at the bottom of your suitcase when you’re rolling it around.

    • Anonymous

      Both my carry-on and my larger suitcase have built-in suit folders that help to prevent wrinkles. I wear sheath dresses, either with sleeves or with the M.M. LaFleur Jardigan, whenever possible because they seem to wrinkle less than suits and take up less space. Items that don’t go in the suit folder get rolled up.

      One of my colleagues swears that packing his clothes in the plastic bags from the cleaner’s prevents wrinkles.

      • Anon

        +2 for the plastic bags. I wrap my wool sheath dresses in them and it really helps.

        I also pack a handheld travel steamer, so I can easily steam out any wrinkles once I arrive at my destination.

    • lawsuited

      I bundle-wrap, which I find works better than tight-rolling. Also, I travel with a Rowenta travel iron/steamer which is the best.

    • Marshmallow

      Rolling, for sure. Besides suits which are a necessity and unfortunately wrinkle-prone, I try to bring non-wrinkle fabrics like MM Lafleur dresses or even cheaper polyester rather than cotton. And if it’s an extended trip or I need to look particularly sharp, I bring my travel steamer. Way easier than using a hotel iron. Also, don’t jam your suitcase so full you need to roll everything up super tight. Try to leave some breathing room so you don’t get sharp creases.

    • ChiLaw

      It depends on how sharp you’ll need to look, but I’ve been preferring dresses (love me a long sleeve or elbow sleeve dress!) over suits/separates/anything requiring layers for traveling. I have some lovely Maggy London ones that travel well, and if you find a sort of ‘severe’ cut/color it can be pretty business-y.

      I discovered packing cubes last time I travelled and I’m hooked. For me the glory is keeping my undies/socks/laundry contained, and being really easily able to find anything I need.

  4. Anonymous

    I’m bummed. The guy I’ve been dating for a month is suddenly pulling back, not as available, super busy, vague about making plans. ARGH. Why does this always happen to me.

    I thought online dating would be fun and easy. It’s not. It’s hard work and it sucks.

    • January

      You are correct. I’m sorry. It’s a bummer when this happens. It’s probably not about you.

      • January

        (and yeah, this isn’t specific to online dating, really – although it probably makes it easier to do this sort of thing. It’s all the wrong guy, until it isn’t).

      • shamlet96

        +1. I dated up a storm earlier this year and it was so exhausting and tiring. I don’t think I could do it again at my age (38), honestly. I’ve been dating for 20+ years and I feel like Charlotte from that episode in Sex and the City where she is exasperated and like, “where IS he?!”

    • Jitterbug

      In my experience it’s not uncommon for people who lose interest a month or two into dating. The first month is always amazing, and then it’s no longer new and exciting and suddenly . . . eh. Sometimes they realize the chemistry is just off, sometimes they just aren’t feeling into it.

      But ghosting is rude, forget that guy, find one who wants to see you and will make time for you.

    • SD

      I’ve been there. Try not to take it personally. For some reason this seems to be how dating goes nowadays, at least if you’re in a big city. Just go with your gut- you knew something seemed “off” based on the way that guy behaved on your date (maybe even before that, if you think about it in hindsight) so I think in the future you shouldn’t second guess your intuition. There are men who won’t give you any doubt whatsoever; you won’t need to push yourself to be optimistic about inconsideration, because they’ll go out of their way to be considerate. Anyone who blows you off like that is just a jerk, and it’s not a reflection of your value or how you should be treated.

      • OP

        Thank you so much for saying this. You have lifted my spirits immeasurably. I really appreciate it.

  5. CountC

    I have about $150 left in Amazon gift card money to use on whatever. I was responsible with about $100 worth of them and bought household items that I needed. I am fine blowing the rest on fun stuff, but I have no idea what fun stuff I want. Obviously, I can sit on it until I figure that out, but I wanted to canvass the hive for any cool stuff that is available on Amazon that I don’t know that I “need.”

    I have an eReader already, so I don’t need one of those. I tend not to buy books because I am a library nerd. I also don’t watch movies or TV very often so don’t need to stream stuff. I could buy another pair of running shoes, but blah, I have lots of those already. And, in direct contrast to what I am asking for here, I don’t really need more stuff. I know, I know, but use it or lose it free money here.

    What cool things are out there on Amazon that you love that I should know about that aren’t going to make me feel (super) wasteful about buying!? Perhaps a great vegetarian or vegan cookbook?

    • Cb

      I like Plenty and Plenty More for veggie recipes but what about using it for Christmas gifts? You could buy some nice things and free up some money in your holiday budget. I might also designate $50 for a pile of kids books / school supplies and send them off to a local school in need.

    • Anonymous

      Amazon often has really great prices on hair stuff/cosmetics/skincare products compared to Sephora, etc.

    • SD

      Last time I was in that position, I bought an Echo, and a coffee maker that has a built-in grinder so I can fill it with whole beans the night before and wake up to freshly ground and brewed coffee. I love it.
      If I was in your position now, I’d get new PJs and a new fuzzy robe for winter. Also, there are a ton of Korean skin care products on Amazon Prime and I can never have enough of those.

      • pugsnbourbon

        +1 to new coffeemaker! I found a nice one for about $80. A separate burr grinder was about $25.

        I also have had remarkable success with shoes on Amazon – I posted earlier this week about getting Bogs for a steal. If you search a brand you like, you might be able to find a bargain.

      • Senior Attorney

        +1 for the Echo. It’s a little more than $150 but I love it. Music, timers, weather reports, Jeopardy! every weekday… Big fun!

          • CJ

            Nope. The Echo just includes a bigger speaker. So if you already have a bigger speaker at home (Bluetooth or other speakers you can plug into the Dot), then you get the Dot and plug into that if you want a bigger sound/do more music listening etc..

            I also thought you needed the Echo first, but you don’t. And since the Dots are so cheap, they are encouraging you to buy multiple ones so you have one in each major room of your home etc…

    • Anon

      What is your me time? Do you paint your nails? Coloring books? Cook things? Astronomy? Writing? Jewelry making? Board games?

      Is there something you want to learn? Maybe knitting/crocheting/stitching? Upholstering? Beer making? Racquetball? Watercolor? Calligraphy?

      • Anne Elliott

        Me time is 9-9:30pm most nights, playing the piano.
        Morning run in the gym.
        Listening to opera when I drive to work
        Mani pedi twice a month

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’d buy all the books. I’m a library nerd too, but I keep a wish list on Amazon for books my library doesn’t have digital copies of.

      I was in the market for a zip around wallet recently and there were several around the $100 that I liked.

    • Meredith Grey

      On the top of my Amazon wish list: Instapot & hot brush
      Other random Amazon purchases that I wished I had a gift card to use instead of my own monies: Mr. Coffee single cup hot plate for my coffee at my desk; Phillips Sunrise alarm clock; BaBylissPRO Ceramix Xtreme Dryer

    • Anon

      They are releasing the new Amazon Echo alternative – the Dot – in a couple weeks. You can pre-order it now.

      It’s only $50

      Great deal if you haven’t gotten an Echo already.

      This is a GREAT birthday present for people of all ages. 3 year olds to your grandparents. I’m not kidding.

      I think I am buying it for all of my family for Christmas, if they haven’t bought it already.

      • Marshmallow

        YES +1 Dot, I forgot about that. We have an Echo and are obsessed with Alexa.

      • BabyAssociate

        I got an Echo on Prime Day and I love it. I also got some Philips Hue light bulbs that are a total gamechanger.

        Only downside: I have more than once said “Alexa, office lights to 80%” and then realized I’m at my work and need to use my hands to operate lights.

          • BabyAssociate

            Control my lights, call ubers, set timers, look things up. And every morning I ask “Alexa, what’s the news?” and she reads me NPR headlines (you can pick another news source too) as I get up.

          • BabyAssociate

            Yes!!!! The future is now!

            It defaults to UberX, but I think you can change it.

            I also left out playing music through Spotify.

        • Cara

          What system do you use with your Echo/Dot to control your lights at home?

          My parent is disabled and has difficulty walking, so I’m wondering how using the Dot could help.

          • BabyAssociate

            Oh that’s a great idea! If you get a Philips Hue starter pack it comes with a WiFi bridge that you just plug into your router and then you have Echo search for it on your phone and it’ll sync. Super easy, you only have to do it once and you’re done.

      • Veronica Mars

        Thanks for this recommendation! I had a giftcard to spend and I ordered it. I mostly will use it for controlling the lighting in my rental–I have a system of clickers and plugs right now but I think this will work better (and my last system reduced my electric bill by ~$10/month which was awesome). Hopefully I’ll like all the other features too.

    • Anonymous

      Do you like kitchen gadgets?

      Black and Decker $15 citrus juicer – one of the most used items in my kitchen.
      A collapsible funnel – surprisingly handy at times.
      Instant Pot – I just bought this, but I’m liking it so far.
      Microplane
      Spiralizer
      a Cuisinart immersion blender
      a good pair of kitchen shears

    • Marshmallow

      I’m a beauty junkie so my suggestion is that Amazon has a strong selection of Asian and spa beauty products, especially masks. The Tony Moly sheet masks are fantastic and not too expensive. If you have combo skin, the Eminence Rosehip Mask is divine. Also get yourself some Muji cotton pads– you can thank me later when you’re removing your makeup with a soft puffy cloud.

      • Anon

        Thank you! I always hear that there are great beauty products, but I’m not a beauty junkie at all and have no idea what to search for. Any other good brands to try out? Anything that helps with hormonal acne?

        • SD

          Look up ‘Snow White and the Asian Pear.’ Great blogger to follow. And there’s a subreddit called asianbeauty that is useful for research, too.
          I’d start with double cleanse (oil-based cleanser + a low ph water-based cleanser), moisturizer (maybe something with snail?), and a nice sunscreen as a starter routine.

    • CountC

      I knew I could count on you all! Thanks for all of the suggestions – lots to window shop over the weekend :)

    • NOLA

      Nail polish that I can’t find locally, other beauty products that I can’t find in a store, shoes that I can get for a better price on Amazon, silly kitchen gadgets (like a spiralizer), battery pack for my phone.

    • j

      For vegan/vegetarian cookbooks, I’m working my way now through Vegan, Vegetarian, Omnivore and I LOVE it. Also highly recommend the two Thug Kitchen books.

    • ChiLaw

      Ohhh I’d get a nice citrus juicer. That’s what I’ve been eyeing but not wanting to pony up for.

    • SC

      Lots of good suggestions. If at the end of the weekend, you don’t really want to spend money on yourself, could you buy holiday presents for other people with it? It’s not too early. I do 90% of my holiday shopping on Amazon every year.

  6. SD

    Pants are my least favorite thing to shop for- I’m a slim pear with much bigger hips than waist, so I hate the process of trying them on, and it’s rare to find any that fit me properly and look flattering. Any suggestions for brands and/or styles? I think I gravitate towards slim/tailored fit, but I’m willing to try other stuff too.

    • TorontoNewbie

      For suits, at least, I really like Boss as a similar body type. I get them a size or two above (so they fit thighs/hips), then the nice people at the Bay / Holts (maybe Nordstrom?) will tailor in the waist and take in the legs to a tapered fit. It’s a lot of effort but for suit pants where the blazers fit me perfectly off the rack, it’s great.

      For jeans – have you tried Naked & Famous? Same deal with taking in the waist, but they’re high rise enough in their straight leg version that it works.

      For non jeans / non suit pants … I have no idea. I don’t wear any.

      • Casper Clone

        2nd the Halogen suggestion. Tan, black, and grey have all been workhorses for me. One note – I’ve found them surprisingly long; I often need a tall in other brands, but these require heels to not drag. (I’m 5’7 )

        • Nordstrom

          Yes, you are right – they are on the longer side. I’m also 5’7″.

          And it never occurred to me to get “tall” sizes… thanks for this.

    • Helen

      I buy mine from Gap. They’re the only trousers I’ve found that fit me correctly.

    • Nordstrom

      Yeah, I’m you.

      My recent purchase in this arena has surprisingly been the Nordstrom – Halogen line.

      I had good luck this summer with their Halogen slim stretch cotton blend ankle pants. They are pretty good, and I can get away without altering them, which is a miracle. They are also washable. They are not suit/professional wear quality, but I can get away with them in my workplace for sure. They have 5/5 stars on reviews. Be very gentle washing them, as the color will fade. I don’t handwash, but do wash in my delicate/handwash setting on my front-loading washer, and use good detergent.

      I bought 3 pairs – black, wine, navy. They only have the black left, I think. Price isn’t crazy, and unfortunately you missed the sale. But they are now my staple, and I will continue to wear until it is too cold for bare legs/feet.

      I also have Halogen work pants that are more wide/boot leg, as that style is much more flattering for me than tapered or even straight leg. I wear with a heel. It balances out my big butt better. They have several variations available now, so I am not sure which I have. Again… not perfect, and a touch of alteration is probably necessary for our body shapes, but very acceptable for the price, and machine washable. I have 3 pairs.

      Every time I find a pair of pants that fits/works, I buy 3 pairs. Usually black, blue, and one other color (grey/wine/white) in my neutral spectrum.

    • nutella

      Similar build, I have a pair of those curvy ones from Loft (Marisa? Julie? I dunno) and another from BR and honestly, they are ok. They always feel huge or not quite right, but they do the job if I need them… mostly I wear a ton of dresses and skirts to work.

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      I have this problem, although am a different build. Not what you want to hear probably, but I actually gave up on pants for work. Dresses are particularly easy to fit, and skirts are easier than pants.

    • Runner 5

      I have a 16 inch difference between my waist and hips and love the Boden Richmond trousers. I have one pair of straight cut and one with the boot cut.

    • PolyD

      Also a slim pear and I find that Loft’s Julie fit pants work pretty well for me. Oddly their Modern Skinny jeans fit me better than the Curvy Fit Skinny jeans, I have no idea why.

      Limited Cassidy fit used to work well on me, too, but I haven’t tried them in a couple of years.

  7. Anonymous

    Just have to congratulate myself to someone – after being fiscally irresponsible coming out of college, I buckled down and finally, today, paid off every bit of debt I had. It’s an awesome feeling knowing that now I can really focus on saving aggressively and actively work towards the things I want!

  8. accessories

    Love this dress in both colors but it clearly needs accessories and I’m stuck for how to style it without resorting to black. Cobalt or red with black feels dated to me.

    I’m thinking tights and ankle booties but what color? or pumps and long necklace but again stuck on color ideas

    • Anonymous

      Boss suits are my favorite. If you are getting 2, I’d go for a classic gray and then one of their more trendy suits.

    • HSAL

      I really like the Limited Luxe line. Only black and navy (though I think they keep the fabric and change cuts from time to time) but they were a great price and look great.

  10. TJ costs me about half of WF

    This is follow-up from the thread about Trader Joe’s earlier this week, for the commenter who expressed interest in my repertoire of 10-20 min meals made with Trader Joe’s ingredients: Here are several examples of meals I make regularly. All of the ingredients come from Trader Joe’s and I tried to be specific about exactly what they are. They all take 10-20 minutes to cook and involve minimal clean-up. Once you’ve made it once, you’ll get much faster and you can literally throw these meals without even looking at directions. The general format is meat/seafood + veggie with a starch if you want it (pasta/gnocchi or frozen, microwavable packs of rice). If you don’t like a particular food, just substitute it for another protein or veggie or starch — I make endless variations of the below meals.

    Dumplings and steamed broccoli
    — Buy: 1 bag of frozen gyoza (I get chicken but they also have pork and veggie options) from Trader Joe’s; 1 pack of fresh broccolini/broccoli (or you could buy frozen broccoli and just microwave it); 1 bottle of soy sauce (or Trader Joe’s gyoza sauce)
    — Follow the directions on the gyoza bag to pan fry and then steam the gyoza. To make the broccolini, put a little over an inch of water in a pot and bring it to a boil. Then put the broccolini in there and cover the pot (keep the heat up). Cook for about 4 minutes, but start poking the broccolini with a knife around 3 minutes to see if it’s as soft as you want.
    — Put the steamed broccolini in 2 bowls, put the gyoza on top, and then sauce on top

    Dijon salmon and asparagus
    — Buy: 1 pack of dijon marinated salmon, 1 jar dijon or whole grain mustard (if you like mustard) or 1 bottle of bbq sauce, 1 pack of fresh asparagus
    — Snap off the tough, woody ends of the asparagus (or cut them off, but then you have to use a cutting board and knife :)).
    — Preheat the oven to 425 degrees and put aluminum foil on a baking sheet (to make clean-up easier).
    — Put the salmon (skin-side down) and the asparagus on the baking sheet and drizzle with olive oil (or use TJ olive oil spray). Put salt and pepper on the asparagus.
    — Bake in the oven for 10 minutes and then check both of the asparagus and salmon to see if they’re done (the salmon may take slightly longer).
    — I put mustard on my salmon; my husband likes BBQ sauce. You could add lemon wedges if you like.

    Tacos or taco bowls
    — Buy: 1 pack of ground turkey (or beef), 1 packet taco seasoning, half wheat/half corn tortillas (optional; no tortillas if you just want to make a taco bowl), 1 can cuban black beans or refried beans depending on what you’re in the mood for, 1 jar salsa, sour cream or greek yogurt, 1 pack shredded mexican cheese, 1 bag fresh spinach
    — Cook the ground meat on med-high heat, then add the taco seasoning in and simmer on low per the instructions on the packet
    — If using cuban black beans, you can just dump in however much you want in with the cooked ground meat until the beans warm up. If using refried beans, put them in a bowl and microwave them.
    — You can dump some fresh spinach into the pan and wilt it with the meat and beans, or you can leave it unwilted. Chop up the spinach into ribbons if you feel like it. Or not if you don’t.
    — My husband doesn’t really like the spinach wilted with the meat and beans, so I keep everything separate for him and then he makes tacos with the tortillas.
    — You won’t use all of the tortillas, salsa, sour cream/greek yogurt, or cheese, but they will keep in the fridge for a long time until you make this again the next week.

    Keftas (Middle Eastern meatballs), cauliflower rice, and steamed green beans
    — Buy: 1 pack of frozen keftas, 1 pack of fresh cauliflower rice, 1 pack of fresh green beans (make sure you get the skinny haricot verts, not the regular green beans), optional: 1 bottle of lemon garlic vinaigrette (or other sauce that you would like on the green beans in the case that you’d like to eat them separately; I just eat them with the kefta sauce which is delicious)
    — Microwave the keftas.
    — Saute the cauliflower rice on medium or so with olive oil, salt, pepper, and a little cumin to taste.
    — Steam the green beans the same way you’d steam the broccolini. Put about a little over an inch of water in a pot and bring it to a boil. Then put the green beans in there and cover the pot (keep the heat up). Cook for 6 minutes exactly then immediately remove the green beans. 6 minutes is the magic number for me, but you may want to pull a green bean out at 5 minutes and see how you like the texture.
    — I put the cauliflower rice in 2 bowls, the keftas and green beans on top. The keftas have a nice sauce with them that works well with the cauliflower rice and green beans. You could also eat the green beans separately with vinaigrette on them (or plain if you prefer).

    Chicken sausage, gnocchi, sweet potatoes, baby spinach, and goat cheese or parmesan or whatever other cheese you want [OR chicken sausage, gnocchi, cherry/grape tomatoes, basil, and pesto]
    — Buy: 1 pack of whatever chicken sausage you want, 1 pack of gnocchi from the pasta aisle, 1 pack of roasted sweet potato wedges from the refrigerated vegetable section, 1 pack of fresh baby spinach, goat cheese or parmesan or whatever other cheese you want [cherry/grape tomatoes, basil, and a container of pesto (usually in the hummus section) if you’re using it]
    — Cook the gnocchi according to the package directions (takes about 2 minutes).
    — Chop the chicken sausage and roasted sweet potato wedges [or cherry/grape tomatoes if you’re using those]
    — Saute the chicken sausage and roasted sweet potato wedges for about 5 minutes over medium heat with a drizzle of olive oil and a little salt, pepper, and thyme for the sweet potatoes. Add the baby spinach to the pan and stir until it wilts.
    — Add the gnocchi and stir to combine. [Stir in a little pesto at this point if you’re using it]
    — Put in bowls with some cheese on top. [And basil if you’re using it]

    Omelets (steamed green beans or asparagus both work great as sides if you want some extra veggies)
    — Buy: Eggs and whatever fillings (smoked salmon, chicken sausage, avocado, fresh or frozen roasted corn, tomatoes, sauteed mushrooms and onions, goat cheese, cheddar, really whatever; if using onions, buy the pre-chopped onions for convenience)
    — Saute your fillings if needed.
    — Crack 2-3 eggs into a bowl and whisk them with a fork. Add in salt and pepper.
    — Get the pan hot at a little over medium, spray the pan with olive oil, let it heat up the oil, then add the eggs and swirl around.
    — Add the toppings quickly, then cheese, and fold over the omelet into thirds whenever you’re ready.

    Shrimp with garlic and greens over pasta/gnocchi or rice
    — Buy: A pack of frozen shrimp, a head of fresh garlic, baby kale or baby spinach or other greens that will wilt, parsley, lemon, frozen packs of rice OR pasta/gnocchi
    — Thaw the shrimp (put them in a colander under running water for a few minutes).
    — Peel and thinly slice 5 garlic cloves (or however many you want). This is the only annoying part of prep and will take about 5 minutes. You can sort of smash the clove by putting the flat of the knife on the clove and then using the heel of your hand to apply pressure. That will loosen the peel and make it easy to get it off.
    — Saute the shrimp and garlic in a lot of olive oil and a little butter over medium high. Add salt and pepper and a little paprika and cumin if you’d like (or oregano and lemon pepper if you’d like a more greek flavor). It should only take 3 minutes or so until the shrimp stop being translucent and are done. Pull the shrimp out and saute the greens until they’re wilted.
    — Meanwhile, microwave the rice [or cook the pasta].
    — Cut the lemon into wedges and chop a small amount of the parsley.
    — Stick it all into bowls and serve…

    Sausage and sauerkraut with steamed green beans or broccolini
    — Buy: Bratwurst sausage (or whatever other sausage looks good to you at TJ), brown mustard, sauerkraut, fresh green beans, optional: 1 bottle of lemon garlic vinaigrette (or other sauce that you would like on the green beans)
    — Saute the sausage while you’re steaming the green beans or broccolini.
    — Serve with sauerkraut.

    As you can see, I basically make weeknight meals by mixing up the following combinations and then maybe adding a garnish (e.g., cheese, sauerkraut) or some type of sauce. If you don’t like the way I’ve combined them above, you can mix them up any way you want. If you explore the frozen section at Trader Joe’s, you’ll see they have lots of additional protein options from meatballs, chicken burgers, etc. that you could combine with a veggie and/or starch and have an easy dinner.

    Also, I always have a couple avocados on my counter. It’s the perfect garnish — goes on everything :) Just let it sit out, squeeze it a little each morning, and put it in the fridge once it’s ripe (assuming you don’t use it immediately). Putting it in the fridge will give you another few days to use it.

    Protein
    — Dumplings
    — Salmon
    — Ground turkey/beef
    — Chicken sausage
    — Eggs
    — Shrimp

    Veggies
    — Steamed broccolini
    — Baked or broiled asparagus (you could saute as well; if you saute, it’s easiest if you cut it into pieces)
    — Steamed green beans
    — Wilted greens (spinach, baby kale, whatever TJ has)
    — Pre-made roasted sweet potato wedges
    — Cauliflower rice

    Starches
    — Pasta/gnocchi
    — Frozen, microwavable packs of rice

    • Saguaro

      Thanks! Definitely going to TJ”s and checking out these suggestions this weekend!

    • anon

      Thanks for this! Re the garlic – if you don’t want to peel garlic, Trader Joe’s has pre-peeled garlic in the refrigerated produce section near the herbs. Each bag comes with a bunch of little packets with maybe ~10 pre-peeled cloves.

      • Coach Laura

        Trader Joes also has frozen pre-chopped garlic cubes. No peeling, chopping or waste. They don’t go bad so I always have on hand in the freezer. Fresh may be a tad tastier but not enough to notice in most things.

        • Sloan Sabbith

          And it lasts forevvvver. I miss their jars of garlic puree, but I use the garlic cubes now.

    • Anon

      Yup…we live equal distance from both WF and TJ. From the time we started going to TJ, we go very very less to WF.

  11. Anonymous

    Stuck in moderation – what colors would you wear with these dresses? I feel like cobalt with black and red with black is dated.

      • Anonymous

        It needs a necklace though I think and that’s where I’m stuck on color. They have the red version styled with nude for me pumps on the website and that looks great.

    • Anonymous

      I’m still a big fan of cobalt and black. It would also look good with white or gray. In the warmer months you could also just wear nude pumps and no other layers.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I pair cobalt with gray, but that’s because I pair everything with gray. Maybe emerald – not for a topper, but accessories or shoes.

      • Senior Attorney

        Olive is surprisingly great with cobalt. Also leopard, because leopard is a neutral.

      • PolyD

        Agree with gray and olive for the cobalt. I’d also try kelly green, but I do not fear colors.

        Along those lines, you’d have to experiment, but a muted orange/rust might work.

    • Jitterbug

      I remember having a similar conversation here maybe a year ago. You’re right that red with black looks dated and the contrast is pretty severe. Red goes well with beige, gold, brown, silver, grey, charcoal, any sort of soft, neutral color.

      I’d imagine the same is true for cobalt, that soft neutrals are better than black, but I think black on cobalt isn’t as bad as black on red.

  12. Bean Boots

    I am on the fence about purchasing a pair of the L.L. Bean duck boots. We live in the upper South and get a few small “snowstorms” each winter that result in lingering ice and slush. I also end up taking a couple of work trips to cold, slushy big cities each winter. Sorels are too wide for me, and I’ve considered a pair of Baffin boots but they look too warm for my needs. The Bean Boots actually sort of fit. Are the Bean Boots appropriate for my needs? If so, should I go with the regular ones or spring for Gore-Tex and/or Thinsulate? Also, am I going to look ridiculous wearing them as a middle-aged professional mom since all the teens were wearing them last winter? That last part sounds awfully silly, since I think of L.L. Bean as a stodgy grandma brand, but I don’t want to look like I’m pretending to be a teenager.

    • Ellen

      Yay! Fruegel Friday! I love Fruegel Friday and this envelope neck dress. I can see that Frank will NOT like it b/c he can NOT peek. FOOEY on him.

      As for the OP, You should get them. Even if there is NOT alot of snow where you live, you will need them when you visit NYC, where is alot of slusch on the street. Men love women with Bean boots on b/c they think they are OUTDOORZEY, and men like Sheketovits LOVE oudoorzey women, especialy by the fireplace.

      I am goeing with Myrna up to the Catskill’s this weekend. She met a guy up there she likes. Why don’t I find a guy already? FOOEY!

    • Veronica Mars

      Get them. I’m in the South and I swear by them. Just don’t get any of the lined/shearling versions. I usually wear mine whenever we have severe weather (rain, snow or sleet) in the fall/winter. I wear them with thin wool socks (performance wool running socks) and I adore them. No issues with them being too hot–it’s the same issue you’d run into with rubber rain boots, imo.

        • Veronica Mars

          IMO it doesn’t get cold enough here to warrant it. A good pair of socks is really all that’s needed. It very rarely gets cold enough here for snow, so I almost always use it for rain.

        • Batgirl

          I also like having mine without the lining for fall/spring rainy days when the lining would be too much. I just wear super thick wool socks (also LL Bean).

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, Bean Boots are good in snow and slush. You won’t look like you’re trying to be a teenager. The boots may be trendy now but LL Bean is still very much a “mom brand” (my 65 year-old mom has been a huge fan for 30+ years).

    • KT

      They’re way too practical to fuss about trends. When I lived up north, they were a godsend walking the dog in the slush

    • Mainer

      I still can’t get over that Beans Boots being cool thing. I spent my childhood begging my parents to buy me anything but Beans.

      • Anonymous

        +1 My Maine native mom bought me lots of LL Bean, including the duck boots, when I was growing up and I thought it was mortifying.

    • Ms B

      I have had my 7 inch Bean boots for over 20years and love them to pieces. They are perfect in rain, slush, mud, and just general yuckiness. I wear them for comfort and dry feet and could care less about whether they are “cool”. I plan to wear them until they cannot resoled again (which, according to my father, takes about 40 years) and then I will get another pair.

      Skip the Thinsulate and get a pair of the removable shearling soles for the rare days when you wear them in real cold. I find that the warm soles plus Ragg or Smartwool socks (and occasionally microfiber liners) are more than enough for anything warmer than Chicago/Colorado weather. You can switch the shearling soles out for the regular ones when it is warmer.

  13. Later, Suckers II

    Reposting from last night for more replies, hopefully:

    I’m putting in my two weeks notice tomorrow and I’m REALLY nervous. I’m leaving a medium-sized consulting firm for a Big 4 and I am very excited and happy about the new position. I’m not nervous about speaking with my immediate supervisor, he’s an all around nice/professional guy. However, the leader of my domain area, the one who I actually complete projects for, is apparently a huge jerk when people leave. I will tell my supervisor on the phone, but I work in the same office as this domain leader and should probably tell him to his face, right?

    Also, I am concerned that they will walk me out when I tell them. I would prefer not to forego two weeks of pay, and I have some expenses pending that I’m not happy about. The new firm is a competitor of the current firm in the same way that lions are competitors of house cats. However, they may see some conflict (or an excuse to screw me out of two weeks of pay), and make me leave. Is this common? I don’t want to tell them where I’m going, so what do I say to deflect?

    • Anonymous

      I’m in law, not consulting, but at my firm if you’re vague or refuse to say where you’re going people either think you’re super weird or you’re quitting without a job lined up. One senior associate left my Big Law firm (to go to another firm) and refused to say the name. She’s the only person I know well that did that, and everybody talked about it for weeks after her departure. Basically there was non-stop buzz about it until she appeared on the other firm’s webs!te (since it’s all public anyway) and then it was kind of anti-climatic…”Oh, it’s just X? Why didn’t she just say that?” It created way more of a stir than all the people who sent the generic goodbye email “I’ve decided to accept a position as an associate at X firm. Although I’m looking forward to the next step in my career, I’m sorry to leave Y firm and will miss working with you” or something like that.

      • Engines

        I’m in medical device engineering, so a completely different field. At my company it is common that people will not say where they are going when they leave, although I never figured out why. Word often gets out in their last day or two, but they don’t make it very public, and they don’t put the new company’s name in their last-day “I’m leaving, I enjoyed working with you all” email. Then again, my colleagues tend to leave to go to a direct competitor or at least a company in the same industry.

    • cbackson

      Check your employee handbook/anything you may have signed in conjunction with your hire (is there a conflicts policy that you signed, for example?) in case there is information there about how your departure will be handled.

    • Meg Murry

      In my past jobs (different industry) you were asked to go then and there if you were headed for a competitor, and I’m pretty sure refusing to tell would be assumed to be a competitor. Not in a rude way, but I’d expect there would be a conversation that went something like “Since you won’t tell us where you are taking a new position, we have to assume it’s one of our competitors. If you won’t tell us, we’ll consider that to be true and we’ll accept your resignation, effective immediately. Please hand over your keys/badge/laptop/etc.”

      The company was otherwise reasonable, and I believe they even paid people for those 2 weeks and kept the on the health insurance, etc as a 2 week severance – but they cut off their computer and building access. But since everyone knew this, that meant that anyone going to a competitor would have already packed up and been expected to be escorted out once they gave notice.

      Would you be able to start you new job 2 weeks early if they tell you to just go? Or maybe one week early?

      Why don’t you want to tell them where you are going? Careers are long and industries are smaller than you think. You’ll probably cross paths with some of your current co-workers again someday. And trust me, you’d much rather have the rumor mill telling the truth (you’re headed to a competitor for a good job) than people assuming the worst (you’re being walked out because you’re being fired).

      Hope for the best and prepare for the worst – gather up everything you would be upset to lose now, in case they do tell you to just go, or if you come back Monday and they tell you that you’re done.

    • Anon

      I feel like in finance/accounting/business, it is much more common to be shown the door ASAP. I expect you’ve already given your notice by now, but if you haven’t — make sure all your ducks are lined up as if you’ll be shown the door today. So if there’s any work product you want to email to yourself or whatever – do it before you tell anyone.

      And to the lawyer poster above — I’m a lawyer too and I totally agree that it is super awkward at a law firm if you won’t say where you’re going and people start speculating that you don’t have a job (it’s even better to say that) or they start speculating that it’s something like a mental health issue or drug rehab or something. But I think law is a bit unique like this. My sister is in I banking and she thinks it’s super weird that everyone at my NYC law firm announces exactly where they’re going. In her 10 yrs at banking, she sees people leave — they say they’ll keep in touch and drop everyone a line when settled — and then 2 weeks (or a month or whatever amount of time off they’re taking btwn jobs) later, they shoot out an email to their old group with their new contact info. Bc it is SO common to do it this way, no one assumes they are going to drug rehab or anything — ppl just assume their new company requires there be no announcements and/or they have accepted a job offer but may re-neg and accept a different one in the next few weeks if something even better appears so they don’t want to tell yet.

    • Anonymous

      Give them two weeks notice and tell them where you are going if pressed. If they ask you to leave immediately, it’s customary to pay you for the two weeks.

  14. tazdevil

    Have they walked people out before? If you think that there is a serious change that they may do this to you, put yourself (and your finances) first and hand in you notice on the morning of your last day.

      • Later, Suckers II

        As far as I know, the only notice periods cut short by management are those of sales people. Consultants are generally able to finish out their two weeks. I am on a project right now and they would really hurt themselves if they didn’t allow me to finish the remaining two weeks. I fully intend to devote as much time as possible to that project before I go.

        • Anonymous

          If they normally don’t escort consultants out, and if you are on an engagement, then I would stop worrying about this.

          Put together a really good transition (footnote/comments on all spreadsheets/files to detail assumptions and data sources, define messaging to the client on your exit with your manager and replacement, etc.) so you maintain your reputation.

          Again, this is consulting; it’s an up or out culture. People switch firms all the time (promo, pay, opportunities). Leaving, even for another firm is not that big of a deal.

    • Newbie

      I think this is really bad advice. Planning to give no notice and start a new job they day after resigning would leave such a bad mark at your current firm that it may follow you. Plus it’s just bad karma. Firms that don’t want you to work out a notice period for competitive purposes may still pay you through that period.

      • SD

        I’ve been walked out before and it sucks to go 2 weeks without a paycheck, all because you decided to be considerate. Is it permissible to split the difference and give 1 week, maybe?

  15. CHL

    Our policy is to walk out people that go to a competitor. I would expect that, or if you’re at a smaller firm that doesn’t have a whole lot of policy, at least be prepared for it being an issue.

  16. Med School Interviews

    Tell me about the med school interview process these days: what to expect, typical questions, other tips and advice? My younger cousin is about to through this and my aunt wants me ( graduated college 12 years ago and not at all in the medical field…) to help coach him. I’d love to hear your experiences!

    • Cb

      Try the blog Franish? She’s a medical student / fashion blogger but would likely link to some good resources (I’m in academia so I just follow her for cute outfits and weird medical facts).

    • MJ

      Get the book Match Day by Brian Eule. This book walks you through EVERYTHING med-school related. He was a classmate of mine in college and is an excellent writer. It’s a really compelling story.

    • Meredith Grey

      I just helped a sibling through this and have considered offering services to others as well…

      It’s a really intense process and the best help you can give is emotional support. Aside from the emotional aspect, the application is very writing intensive and difficult for most of the applicants as they are not coming from an educational background that teaches written communication.

      A personal statement is required, and then nearly all schools will send a secondary application (that the applicant has to PAY FOR) that has a number of short essay prompts. These are unique to each school and range from “describe your most significant volunteer service” to “create a nick name for yourself and describe why it’s meaningful to you.” On top of the varying degrees of subject matter these secondary applications hit on, they are given to the applicant sporadically over the year so it’s very difficult for them to manage, especially if they are currently a student/employed/studying to retake the MCAT.

      I can leave an email if you’d like to talk more about it offline. Good luck to your cousin (and Aunt, it’s brutal to watch as an invested family member)!

    • Anonymous

      I would focus on the basics.

      Why do you want to be a doctor? How did you get to this decision?
      Why do you want to go to this medical school? Live in this city?
      Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years?
      Academic vs. teaching vs. public service vs. international health vs. research goals and why?

      Be able to explain every detail in your “CV”. Details from all research projects, volunteer experiences etc..

      Be able to justify any black mark on your record. Harvard went straight to my one black mark on my entire record….. and said…. EXPLAIN. I got in.

      Be able to talk casually and with enthusiasm about a recent book you read, a hobby you enjoy and a personal long term goal.

      Be able to talk about the Affordable Care Act and changes in the Medicine landscape, in a very general sense, while avoiding getting too political. A very tricky line to balance, but can be done. You unfortunately will find quite a few sexist and conservative faculty interviewing. But I think everyone agrees that everyone deserves affordable health care, that you should not be denied medical insurance based on your medical history, that electronic medical records are very efficient (although unfortunately…. problematic) etc..

      Be human. They don’t want as many robots in medicine. Thank goodness!

      FYI – It is more common now to take time off before going to medical school (eg. different career/related career), and to be from a more diverse intellectual background. So if he is going to med school straight out of college, it is actually a little harder to stand apart and appear to have made an informed decision about why medicine is right for you and you are right for medicine.

    • Anonymous

      The interviews surprisingly important and just being brilliant is definitely not enough. I have a relative who is insanely smart – perfect grades from a top college, outstanding MCAT scores, etc. and she has also won fiction awards so written communication is not a problem for her. But she’s very socially awkward and geeky and although she got interviews at all of the ~15 schools she applied to (including the big ones like Harvard and Johns Hopkins), she didn’t get into a single one and it completely crushed her. It was a huge surprise to our family too. It makes sense that Harvard would reject her in favor of applicants who are both brilliant and poised, but I was surprised that one of the lower-ranked schools wasn’t willing to overlook her awkwardness in exchange for getting someone of her academic caliber. If you know your cousin has a shy or awkward personality it might be worth hiring a professional interview coach to work with him on interview skills.

      • Anonymous

        That is really rough. I totally feel for her.

        While medicine has been moving towards more well rounded applicants (eg. the not perfect but excellent grades/scores, athlete/musician/scientist that volunteers at Planned Parenthood), it is also very important to present well and to appear personable. Because this is incredibly important in medicine. Think of the best doctors you have had, and how they listen/make you feel. And doctors now more than ever must be good team players, able to communicate well with dozens of people all day and be a team player you want to work with.

        While there are specialties that involve minimal communication with the public, and therefore fewer personable social skills (eg. pathology, radiology), some of those fields are highly competitive.

        But as an interviewer, I would also be asking why a shy/awkward person wants to be a doctor….. as it is challenging to work in medicine with this personality. It also worries me she hasn’t explored enough of what it means to be a doctor…. shadowed enough etc.. But honestly, most people going into medicine have no idea what they are really getting into.

        • Anonymous

          Yeah I think you’re spot on. I think she loved the science of medicine/biology and the idea of helping society, but I’m not sure she thought through the patient interaction part, and I totally agree (from the patient side) that the personality of a doctor matters so much and my relative does not have the right personality. In addition to being awkward, she struggles with empathy (I think she may be on the Autism spectrum, although towards the more mild/functional side) and obviously that’s a big problem too. Honestly, I think getting a PhD in a field like biology and going into scientific research in an area focused on curing human diseases would have been a better fit for her and she certainly has the brains to do it.

        • SC

          All this is true. In addition, residency involves an intense interview process. If a medical school accepts a shy/awkward person who they believe won’t be able to match, that’s a liability for the medical school in terms of numbers and rankings.

    • MD Anon

      I interview for my medical school and relatively recently applied myself. Here are my general thoughts.

      Be able to explain in detail everything in your application. You never know what a random interviewer will decide to go on a long tangent about.

      If you have something negative, be prepared to explain it and how you’ve improved/changed things/why it won’t happen again.

      The usual questions are things like “why do you want to be a doctor” etc. One that often trips people up is why do you want to go to this school specifically. A specific answer to that one can stand out.

      Questions about insurance/healthcare these days are not unheard of. It’s worth having a working knowledge of the ACA, private insurance, and medicare/medicaid. I personally wouldn’t touch this question with a 10-foot pole in our current political climate, but they’re fair game as changes to these programs will directly impact you as physician.

      In general, my perception is that a great interview, if you’re on the border based on the rest of your application, can stick you firmly into the accepted column. Most interviews are probably neutral, and a small percent really negatively affect your chances – ex. making unprofessional comments, being rude to the interviewer etc.

      This is a novel, so sorry. Hopefully it’s helpful.

      • MD Anon

        One more thing, assume your interview starts the second you meet a single student from the school and ends when you leave campus.

        Occasionally students say unprofessional/offensive things to current students assume somehow that’s ok because they’re not officially interviewers. Those comments almost always make their way back to admissions staff and will matter.

        It seems odd to have to explain this out loud, but I have been surprised by things like this in the past with candidates who seemed otherwise wonderful in front of admissions staff.

  17. Emily

    How do you professionally wear a hair tie on your wrist? Or do you not wear it on your wrist? Or do you wear it and ignore how casual it looks?

    I am in a business casual engineering office, so I know it doesn’t bother anyone that I always have 1 or 2 hair ties on my wrist. But still, it feels sloppy. The alternatives I see are either pockets (which sometimes I don’t have) or not wearing them at all. The latter is not an option, because I have to go into our manufacturing plant periodically, and must put my hair up.

    • Cb

      I have the ribbon ones from Sephora and find they hold my hair up well and look slightly less hair tie like on my wrist. I also clip one to my key ring for yoga class emergencies.

      • BabyAssociate

        I love the ribbon ones, but I find they’re not strong enough to actually hold me hair. Love the idea of keeping one on your key ring!

        I wear my hair up everyday so I don’t wear one on my wrist, but I really wouldn’t worry about it. I’m sure no one cares!

    • CountC

      A friend gave me one of the metal bracelets where the hair tie sits in the channel of the bracelet. It looks like a normal bracelet and not a hair tie. But if you are in a more casual office, you can color coordinate your hair tie with your outfit :)

      • anon associate

        They DO exist!! I have this same dilemma- I insist on having a hair tie available at all times, but hate how it looks on my wrist. I work in a conservative law firm and have basically just decided to say f it and wear my hair tie on my wrist, but I’d love an alternative. I was doing some “research” (read: messing around on the internet) the other day and saw the bracelets. They’re called “bitter sweet” or somesuch. They look cute, but are fairly expensive and I’m not sure if they’d work with my tiny wrists.

        • Lana

          There are a bunch of different brands on etsy that aren’t as expensive. Just search for hair tie bracelet.

      • Anon

        Whoaaaa I need this! Annnnd now I wish *I* had some gift cards at Amazon to buy these. (Called “Hair Tie Cuff Bracelet”)

      • E

        I bought one on etsy about a month ago and have worn it exactly zero times. If you find bangles to be uncomfortable generally, you’re probably not going to like this.

      • Anonymous

        I have one of these and I totally color coordinate. My assistant actually asked me how many of those bracelets I had and was startled when I showed her it was a hair tie!

        I also love it because the seam on the hair ties irritates the skin on my wrist if they’re too tight (I find them really inconsistent in their exact circumference and sometimes they’re tight). This bracelet solves that problem. I wear it all weekend as well as all week to work.

    • Anonymous

      It’s perfectly fine and professional to put it on your wrist, if that’s what you prefer. Just don’t wear like a big pink fluffy sparkly scrunchie.

    • Runner 5

      I wear a Kate Spade watch with a black leather band and I’ve found that if I wear a hair tie on that same wrist it blends on with the watch to create one visual block. YMMV

    • Meg Murry

      I buy only black or brown elastic bands, and then tuck it under my fitbit or watch wristband. Occasionally it peeks out, but it’s not as glaring as a neon pink elastic on an empty wrist.

      Do you have to carry a badge or keys (perhaps on a lanyard or retractable belt attachment)? Wrap a hair tie on there. Or do you almost always take a certain clipboard or pen or walkie-talkie or your company phone or whatever out to the factory floor? Or perhaps safety glasses or a hard hat or steel toed shoes? Find a way to attach it to that, or to put a stash of hairbands next to wherever you keep your safety glasses, etc.

      Also, if your plant (or associated lab) has disposable latex or nitrile gloves, you can cut or wrip off the wrist end and use that as an emergency hairband. Not the most subtle or attractive since the gloves are often funky blue or purple colors, but it works way better than shoving pencils in your hair (doesn’t hold up) or using the office supply rubber bands (which rip out all your hair when removing, ouch!).

      I have hairbands in my desk drawers, pencil cup, purse and lab bench as well now, so I’m trying to break myself of wearing them on my wrist and putting them back in the drawer with the rest of the stash.

  18. Anon

    I’m an associate and have been given a non-billable assignment to summarize new federal agency regulations so we can send out a fluffy, newsy update to clients.

    The agency guidance is hundreds of pages long and I’m not very familiar with the issue, so reading through the old guidance and the new to identify before & after changes would easily take me a few (again, non-billable) days.

    Instead, is it ok if I borrow from other firms’ blog posts on this issue? I’d edit the text and confirm that that’s what the regulations do say.

    Common sense says not to reinvent the wheel; plagiarism fears say I have to slog through these hundreds of pages to come up with my own original writing.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think it’s “plagiarism” unless you use someone else’s words, but I’d be very cautious about taking from another firm’s bl0g post because what if there’s a tiny mistake in what they’ve posted and you replicate the mistake? That would be mortifying for your firm if it’s caught and could have serious consequences (up to and including firing, I would guess) for you.

      • Anonymous

        That said, I would definitely begin by reading posts from other firms (and other secondary sources) about this subject, so you have a sense of what the important issues are and can hopefully make your reading of the agency guidance more focused. Definitely don’t start from scratch by reading through the agency guidance page by page. But I wouldn’t just copy and paste text from another firm and then revise the wording.

      • anon

        Omg calm down, an associate is not going to get fired for making a mistake on a draft blog post.

        • Anonymous

          Of course no one gets fired just for making a mistake. I meant if someone catches that the same (weird) mistake is also made on another firm’s post about the same subject and thus that she copied the bl0g post from the other firm and just changed the words around. Maybe the odds of that happening are small, but it’s not unheard of.

    • BabyAssociate

      I actually do a lot of this type of writing. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking a look at what other firm’s have written in order to get background info on an issue you’re not familiar with. But, I wouldn’t just borrow what other people have written on it. If the guidance is that long there are likely several pieces of significance and they likely focused on what would be important to their clients, which might be different for your firm.

      Instead of combing through the whole reg, take a look at the comments to the proposed rule in the Federal Register. I find those will give you a good idea of the contentious issues that may be of interest to your clients.

      • Meredith Grey

        This is my area of work too… Def. agree with the using the Federal Register comments. This is what I do in addition to using blog posts to help me hone in on what the major issues are to look out for.

    • anon associate

      Do you do much regulatory work? I wouldn’t copy paste another firm’s work, but definitely do read it to orient yourself, especially if you’re not familiar with admin law/ this type of reg. There’s a difference between regulations and guidance, and you use both in your post. I’m not sure what you’re reading, but be careful to keep that distinction, it’s important.

      Do NOT read through the old and new guidance and compare them if you’re not familiar- you’ll never get through it. Look at the most relevant provisions after you’ve used secondary sources to identify the major issues. Also research what industry groups are saying. It’s likely that this rule has been anticipated and discussed for a while among the regulated community. Go to the agency’s website and see if you can find an announcement. It’s usually written for lay people, so not nearly detailed enough for a client alert, but will help you identify what the important parts are.

    • SH

      There’s nothing wrong with gathering materials to help you understand what’s going on and prioritize what you should be writing about (if no one is writing about one or two provisions, you may not need to focus on them so much). When you read the rule and the comments, you’ll have a better understanding of what it’s about, and you’ll be able to get through it faster. But I wouldn’t flat-out borrow what other firms wrote.

    • lost academic

      I read them for background but I do find errors and I’d never paraphrase them. The federal agencies usually put out webinar slides, 1-2 page sheets on the new regs or rules, other forms of guidance, and link to other places to provide support. I often start there before the regs themselves.

    • anon

      I’ve had to review these type of changes as well, (ACA, HIPAA etc). To see the changes more clearly, we ran a document comparison/redline between the text of the relevant new reg and text of the old regs. You can then see where the big changes are.

    • Emmer

      Read over a few firms’ posts to understand the issues generally, and use the posts to make a list of paragraphs from the rules that are important to discuss. Note any common terminology used by the posts that will make writing easier (e.g., “covered entities” or the like). Then go to the text of the rule when you’re actually writing so you don’t plagiarize.

    • Preamble to the REGS!

      Check out the preamble to the regs. It usually summarized everything in plain english and has background on how the regs came to be and why and procedural stuff. I often quote liberally from them.

    • SC

      I’d read the preamble in the FR and any agency guidance, then other people’s blog posts, to point me in the right direction. Then I’d redline the most relevant sections of the rule and write the article from scratch. Focus on why the changes are important to the clients.

  19. Mens Suit- suggestions

    Where do your SOs get their suits? Looking to spend around $300-500 for a tropical wool for a new graduate. We are looking at JCrewFactory right now and they seem OK but wondering if there are any other better quality available?

    • Bean Boots

      Jos. A. Bank on sale. Excellent quality, lasts forever. They almost always have an offer that brings them down to your price point.

      I would never, ever buy a suit at J. Crew Factory, and I say this as a person who is guilty of buying women’s suits from regular J. Crew. The Factory suits are not even 100% wool.

      • Ms B

        +1 on Jos. A. Bank. At that price point you can buy from the Business Express line and get one jacket with two pairs of pants. The hubs works in a Biglaw business formal office and buys these for his “everyday” suits. The second pair of pants can match the jacket or be a solid that coordinates to give a “coat and tie” look. A classic pattern should last the 5+ years even with regular wear.

      • Anonymous

        +1,000,000 to this. Hickey Freeman suits are amazing! Would never recommend Jos. Bank, although for a new grad, maybe? HF will last at least 2-3 time longer than Jos Bank.

    • aBr

      Jos. A. Banks–they will often prorate the buy three suits deals if you make clear that you really just need a suit for his graduation and cannot afford to buy the second suit to buy the third suit. Do the modern cuts and avoid any pleated pants. Hugo Boss suits are also great but a bit above the price point.

    • B

      I like the Brooks Brothers Red Fleece on my SO, although he needs a size larger and then tailored down in their pant cut. Brooks Bros is 25 percent off this weekend. Something to look out for in the future is Ted Baker suits at Nordstrom’s during the Anniversary sale ($650-800 normally but they creep into your price range during the sale). Really high quality fabrics, workhorses, and I would characterize the cut as classic with just a bit of an edge. There are Boss suits in that price point on sale at Nordstrom’s right now, but anecdotally my SO doesn’t think Boss suits hold up relative to their price point.

    • lawsuited

      Definitely go to a department store and shop the sales to get the best quality possible within your price range. If you are not taking the grad with you to choose the suit, then give him a gift receipt, and he’ll have a lot more options to choose from if he has to return the suit. Also, if this is the grad’s first/only suit, I recommend navy which is appropriate for interviews, weddings, and funerals.

  20. Anonymous

    Where do you get your second hand plus size clothes? I’m frustrated that all the really nice consignment/second hand stores in the area (Boston) only have misses. Are there any favorite online sources?

  21. anonymous

    I need to formally decline a job offer. I’m taking another offer from a competitor, and I feel kind of bad because I know/have networked with several people at the place I’m declining and I really liked them. I have to call today. What do I say?

    • LAnon

      Just what you’ve said here. You really enjoying getting to know the people at the company and it was a very difficult decision, but you’ve decided to take another position. You’re very appreciative of their time and consideration.

    • nutella

      Thank them and do not burn bridges. If appropriate, keep in touch with those you may have gotten along well with. I have remained in touch with places I have turned down and those mentors continue to promote me years later. (This is law, though, and the legal world is small.)

  22. Anonymous

    Have you moved for a dream job? I’m unhappy with my work, and I’m also getting divorced. I feel this is a good opportunity to “start over”, taking a drastic leap like moving across the country. I’ve been looking for jobs by type, an opportunity that’s a great fit, regardless of geography, and I’ve found some great possibilities in other states. I’ve never had a “dream job” because I’ve never moved for a job. I look for what’s available in the area.

    However, I worry this is too reactionary. I generally like where I live, and I don’t want to run away just because of the divorce. I do, however, think it makes sense to find work that’s fulfilling, stimulating, engaging, and challenging…and I feel that moving to find that work could be a good thing for me.

    • Anonymous

      I would look for a new job where you live, if you like your area. I moved for my husband’s job and although I now have a job I love (after a few fits and starts) it’s really hard starting fresh in an area where you know no one. I imagine leaning on friends is especially important as you go through a divorce, so I wouldn’t want to move away from all my friends. Even the most outgoing, gregarious person will take a while to develop meaningful friendships and it’s hard for new friends to be there for you in the same way that people who have known you 10 or 20 years can.

    • Anon

      I moved after my divorce. (My ex and I had relocated for his job just 18 months before to a state where we knew no one, so there was nothing keeping me there.) When it was final, I moved to a city I’ve always wanted to live in. I had a few college friends in town, but I discovered quickly that life was different now that we were working adults and couldn’t hang out all the time haha. I’m not gonna lie, I was incredibly lonely the first winter. But I love the geographic area, and after I made an effort to get involved in the community (church, volunteering, reading and watching local news), it really does feel like home.

      On the work front, this city is good for my industry, but I didn’t happen to land my dream job immediately upon arriving. But I’m happy to be in a city I love with plenty of opportunity.

      One thing to consider is that employers worry that out of state candidates aren’t serious or will want relocation benefits. State in a cover letter that you’re moving to City on X date (even if you’re not) so that you can be seriously considered.

    • Hollywood

      I did. I always wanted to do (the business side of) entertainment/media stuff and after trying to make it work in NYC for awhile, I finally picked up and moved to L.A. about 18 months ago. I moved with my fiance (now DH). We have no family out here and no real close friends. I have some acquaintances here that I’m trying to reconnect with and I’m trying to make new friends but it is really tough. I can’t imagine being here without DH. HOWEVER – I’m so much more engaged in my work and take pride in my projects, so my day to day life is better. If you could move to a city for a ‘dream job’ where you have some connections, I highly encourage it, but like the other posters above, if you don’t know anyone it can be really, really lonely. Not a reason not to do it, but something to prepare for. I’ve gotten involved in clubs and sports leagues and it’s still hard.

    • H

      No harm in moving for a job and/or change of scenery, but from my own personal experience, I don’t think I’d ever move to a city where I didn’t know a single person ever again. I did that right after college and it was really difficult to make friends and find a niche. Maybe pick a few appealing places where you know people you would hang out with and look for jobs there?

  23. nonprofit-ette

    How do you ladies all stay motivated? I’m a classic type A personality and quickly rose to the top of my field, but now that I oversee a very large nonprofit… I’m just feeling drained. I wear four hats everyday and although we have a large staff we still feel stretched very thin. I’m thinking there is more out there than stressful work everyday, but then the type A in me feels like stepping back would be a failure. Plus, I know I’m doing good work for the nonprofit and that they would struggle to find someone else with my skill set who wants to do this work, which makes me feel guilty for wanting to leave. I’ve only been here three years in an agency where people typically stick around for decades and where change is not taken well. I really just want to take a break and have a low stress job. Has anyone else gone through this?

    • Anonymous

      Yes.

      You’ve made it. You’ve achieved your ‘goal’.

      Now is time to look at other goals towards living a fulfilling life.

      I do believe that the recommendation of thinking about how you will be remembered in your Obit, rather than how good you look in your CV, will likely lead to better and more fulfilling life choices.

      It’s a lot better on the other side, let me tell you…..

  24. Matthew Check-In

    Let’s do a roll call to make sure everyone’s OK. PLEASE PLEASE stay safe during this storm!

    –New Tampanian here (no real effect on our side of the state)

    • Leatty

      Also safe here in Tampa. My in-laws, who were forced to evacuate from the other coast, are also safe and sound at our house.

    • mascot

      Evacuated from Savannah. Safe with family. Anxiously following this online and praying our neighborhood isn’t flooded too badly.

    • Commiseration

      My family that I was worried about in Jacksonville finally decided to evacuate. My family in Ft. Lauderdale is staying put last I heard.

    • nutella

      I was on edge all day yesterday with my whole family in West Palm, which was where it was heading most of the day, then it changed course and they have no damage and are all fine. I’m relieved of course, but my heart still hurts for those affected by it. Seeing that come towards you on a map is… terrifying. Please stay safe everyone.

  25. Dating sucks

    (I was the person above who posted that the guy I’m dating is suddenly fading on me.) Just a bit of backstory: It’s been a month, but we were having a great time together until recently. I called him on it and he said he’s sorry, but he’s just “picky and guarded” when it comes to meeting people. So….I guess I’m not living up to his picky expectations?? Wtf.

    He seemed like he was one of the good ones. Sigh.

    • anon

      I’ll tell you my wtf story: I’d gone on maybe 7 dates with a guy who seemed super promising. I asked him if he wanted to go to a concert on a Friday night in 2 weeks. He said yes. I picked up tickets. We proceeded to have a great date then another after that. Exactly 1 week before the concert, we go out and he’s distracted, on his phone the whole time. He apologized and explained he was going away for the weekend with a bunch of guys and some of them were being annoying about planning. Ok fine I can forgive one off night.

      For the next 5 days – the trip was 2 days and he’d been home for 3 – I hear nothing from him. It’s now Wednesday and I’m worried he’s ghosting me but, ever the optimist, I decide to leave him a vm basically saying, “hey are we still on for Friday? If you’re not able to make it please let me know so I can see if any of my friends are available to go with me.” He calls me back Friday morning – by then I’d already asked another guy to go with me – and acts annoyed that I left him a voicemail because he thought it was clear that he wasn’t interested in seeing me again. “I mean, I basically ignored you on our last date, didn’t you get the hint.” Uh, no, because you apologized and gave a legit-sounding excuse? Jerk.

      The best (worst?) part is that this is apparently common. A friend had been dating a guy for ~2 months and planned a weekend trip for them, including hotel room, event tickets, etc. booked on her card. He ghosted on her days before the trip. Tried to hook up with her again like 2 years later. Dating is the worst sometimes.

      • Dating sucks

        Oh god, that’s awful.

        Right now I feel stupid for even wanting a relationship if this is what I have to go through. I mean, what’s the point.

        • First Year Anon

          I had a LOT of guys fade after a month- I feel like at that point it starts becoming more than “just going on a date with this person I met” and is transitioning to “maybe we will be dating/in a relationship if this keeps going as it is going”. For a lot of guys they can’t handle that, or don’t want that. You’re not alone!

    • January

      I’m sorry. He… probably should not have said what he said about “picky and guarded” because most normal people would interpret it the way you did. If nothing else, he’s lacking a sensitivity chip.

      It’s not you; it’s him.

      • SD

        I once had a guy I was seeing tell me over dinner “One of my flaws is that I’m fickle.” Hair on the back of my neck stood up and he realized what he did and apologized, but yeah, never saw him again.

        • January

          You know, “picky and guarded” are among my flaws, too, but I don’t tell that to the person I’ve decided to stop seeing, because it’s unkind. Ugh.

    • Jules

      Here’s my WTF story, but it happened before I even met the guy. He contacted me on Match, I really liked his profile, we seemed to have a lot in common. Texted and e-mailed for a couple of weeks – I was on work travel for much of that – and then arranged to meet for coffee on a Monday. He wrote over the weekend that he was both excited and nervous; I think it was his first time dating post divorce (or widowhood, I can’t remember). We had a nice email chat about being nervous, expectations – which I minimized, “hey, it’s just coffee.” He called the morning we were to meet and said his AC had been out all weekend (it was 90 degrees plus) and he had to wait for the repair, and also was literally a hot mess. Okay. He even sent me a photo of the HVAC unit mid-repair.

      So then I heard nothing all week until an e-mail late Friday night, inviting me to a music festival on Sunday. I responded by e-mail on Sat. afternoon, followed up with a text Saturday early evening – yes, sounds fun, what time and where should we met there. Followed by complete and total radio silence. WTF.

      • Dating sucks

        Sounds like he was way too scared to date, you probably dodged a bullet. That sucks though. Not even a courtesy text!

        • Jules

          Right. (Although he seemed eager – actually asked me out dancing for a first date, I suggested coffee.) And he’s in his 50s. Immaturity knows no age limits . . .

    • anon

      I’ll play. My first ever match/online date we made plans on a Monday I think for a Wednesday. He had to travel for work so we moved it to Friday. He texted me during that week and I thought nothing of it. Friday rolls around and around lunchtime he confirms drinks with me for 8pm. 5pm rolls around and he cancels on me saying he is actually dating someone else and doesn’t think we should go on a date. I haven’t met him, so I’m more baffled than angry (why did you confirm with me at lunch, did you get more serious in the last 4 hrs LOL). I felt stupid mostly. Anyway, I moved on and that was that.

      7 months later I am happily dating my now-fiance and he texts me again! The hilarious part is that he summarized it “hey, we spoke a few months ago and never quite were able to meet up…” and I’m dying laughing (1) that wasn’t what happened, (2) the history is literally right above your text, and (3) so long sucka, I’m happy.

      Don’t let it get you down and try to move on. It only takes one. Good luck and chin up!

    • I hate dating.

      Heh, I just got slow faded on by a guy that I’d been out with maybe 8 times and we’ve been talking for over two months (busy schedules/summer travel). And, we’ve slept together multiple times. AND we were set up by mutual friends, so I figured there’d be some level of respect. I think that at that point you’re entitled to a clear “I’m not interested.”

      Things seemed to be going just fine until one day for some reason he just decided he was no longer into it, and began the slow fade. Trying not to overthink and be paranoid and anxious, I took the initiative and I asked him if he wanted to go out (you know, cause women can ask men out too), and he agreed. We got dinner, he was super distant, but still came back to my place with me for some gardening.* Classy. It’s been 5 days and I haven’t heard from him. And I’m just left wondering what changed? What did I do?

      *I’m not too irked at him for wanting that even though he clearly didn’t want to date me, because I also figured why not? even though I knew things were going south. Still though, I was not the one planning on stopping our “relationship.” It still feels sh!tty knowing that he was spending time with me and gardening with me fully knowing he never intended to talk to me again. Why waste my time? Why not just say you’re not feeling it rather than let me piece it together from your distant, standoffish behavior? I feel embarrassed.

      I love the idea that women can ask out men and I hate feeling paranoid every time a guy I’m dating hasn’t asked me out in a while…. but literally always if I have to ask out a guy in the early stages of dating it means he doesn’t want to date me.

    • Anonymous

      Haha loved reading these stories!!

      Here’s mine:

      Was messaging a guy on Tindr for a couple of days. We agreed to go see a movie. The messages were mostly innocuous but he seemed to have a sense of humor. Then about 45 minutes before we were supposed to see the movie, as I was getting ready, he started getting _very weird_. I don’t remember the whole series of questions but he ended up texting me he wanted to suck on my toes while I was standing in the theater, ticket in hand, waiting for him to show up. Thankfully he stood me up.

      It got more ridiculous from there though. After the movie was over (I went by myself — I’d already bought the ticket and wanted to see the movie), he texted with some bogus excuse for missing the movie — this after being completely silent since the toes comment. And then several months after THAT he texted me again! The last test was just “hey.”

      Dating can be hard, but sometimes it can also be hilarious. OP, it sucks this guy is ghosting you and losing interest, but I say, just move on and forget about him. It’s only been a month. You can just stop investing emotional energy in him and have fun by yourself this weekend. Then get back out there or don’t, as it please you.

  26. Anon

    My boyfriend (of a little over a year) broke up with me because although he said he loved me he couldn’t see a future together. He has sent me a bunch of texts saying things like he is sorry he hurt me, that he still cares and that he isn’t sure, maybe he led me on thinking he was feeling things he wasn’t etc.
    Now he wants to get coffee this weekend. I keep feeling like he wants me to forgive him and give him permission to move on and not feel guilty. I agreed to meet with him, but now I’m not sure.
    Idk. Just wanted to tell someone, so I guess I’ll tell the internet…

    • First Year Anon

      If your gut is telling you this meet up is going to make HIM feel better and not you, DONT GO. He doesn’t deserve you making him feel better.

      (I know, easier said than done)

      • Anon

        My gut is telling me that he wants to meet to make himself feel better. What I can’t decide is that if meeting would make ME feel better or not.

        • First Year Anon

          Hmm the way he’s texting you makes me think it will give you false hope that there is still a potential relationship there. Which I have had happen to me and it sucks. It consumes your mind. Although it almost feels comforting in the moment, it’s probably better to just start the healing/moving on process now and not speak to him for awhile.

        • anon

          I would probably go because I’m apparently incapable of leaving well enough alone. I would wonder. But go in with a game plan of what you’re hoping to get out of it, and don’t be afraid to get up and leave if it turns into a making-him-feel-better fest. You don’t owe him anything.

    • Dating sucks

      Nope, you don’t need to forgive him or make him feel better about himself. He doesn’t deserve that from you.

    • Anonymous

      What’s the point in meeting? I would go no contact. He probably wants you to reassure him that it’s OK and he’s doing it in public so you won’t make a scene.

    • anon

      Do not meet up with him. I say this with all the love in my heart, but if he was trying to meet you to win you back, he would be at your door with roses and would have already asked to have you back. Nothing good will come from this.

      It hurts, but the best thing you can give yourself is distance. And as someone who has “been there,” it will probably feel good (empowering) for you if you decline his invite, even if you would secretly like to see him.

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