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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 197 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Adalyn Blouse

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. equipment blouses on saleColor me crazy, but I don't believe I've seen Equipment's silk blouses on sale at Zappos's sale site, 6pm.com, before — but not only do they have a bunch of nice silk blouses, they have cashmere sweaters 50% off, and they have a ton of super cute (if casual ) shirt dresses. Note that they've made some other changes over there also — instead of always having to pay for shipping, you now get free shipping if your item is over $50; unlike Zappos though their return policy remains only 30 days. This particular blouse was $258, but is now marked to $125; it's available in sizes XS-L. Try code SHOWERS10 to get another 10% off. (Note that Saks also seems to have a pretty good selection of Equipment blouses on sale right now.)  Pictured: EQUIPMENT Adalyn Blouse For plus-sizes silk blouses, note that Nordstrom Rack has a ton of Classiques Entier blouses for up to 70% off today (regular sizes are in the sale too). Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

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Comments

  1. Anon

    How do you clean silk blouses – dry cleaning? I’ve heard you can technically hand wash them, but for expensive, nicer blouses, is that recommended?

    On another note, has anyone used hair removal products from the brand Moom (to remove unwanted facial hair)? I’d like to try something without harsh chemicals, but is it going to be effective?

    • Anonymous

      I machine wash all my silk (cold, gentle/knit/woolen cycle, with minimal soak time) with a gentle detergent. I use The Laundress detergent (as opposed to something like Tide).

      You may get a little shrinkage and will need to iron (silk setting on the iron, using a pressing cloth if you want).

        • Anonymous

          It hasn’t been an issue with the one patterned piece I have. You could do a test section on the hem to see if it bleeds. You may have discolored water when you get it wet (dye coming out), but that typically doesn’t affect the dye on the fabric. Best to test a section if you have a question though.

          There are some silks finishes (duponi, I think?) with a pretty crisp hand that should not be wet washed, because that will affect the stiffness of the fabric, but for a soft georgette or charmeuse should probably be fine.

    • life

      I also use Laundress and hand wash. But definitely some of my blouses lose color, especially the inexpensive ones and the very deeply colored ones. Less of an issue with patterns/prints in my experience but my patterns tend to be subdued.

      But I pretty much hand wash all of them.

      I stopped using all chemical hair removal products on my face and no waxing since my skin cannot tolerate either. Now – I dry shave with the special face razors I learned about online. They are awesome. So easy, so fast, no shaving rash/treatments needed and cheap cheap cheap!!!!. I can’t believe I haven’t tried this earlier. Make sure you follow the recommendations of shaving down, light touch, razor at an angle. Can check out Youtube videos. My skin feels great afterwards.

      Here’s a link. They are on amazon. They are called eyebrow razors, but I use them everywhere on the face you might need.

      http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B008N1NFLO/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_2?pf_rd_p=1944687622&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=B00B2QHLNU&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1GD59G98HBE2P7KJ4SF4

  2. Need a cubicle clock

    I’d like a clock for my cubicle. This has been suggested to me by my manager. I’m OK with slightly quirky, would prefer not looking “cheap” though. Any ideas for actual clocks or places to look?

  3. anon

    Can I wear a blouse that’s a little bit sheer under a jacket for an interview? It’s not all that sheer, just enough that if I wear a cami under it, the neckline is a little bit visible. Should I look for a more flesh colored cami, just keep the jacket buttoned (which avoids this entire problem) or just get a different blouse? The one I got is so pretty, but I shouldn’t keep it if I can’t use it for this purpose.

      • lawsuited

        +1 I no longer consider a top sheer if what you’re seeing through it is a camisole rather than a bra.

    • Anonymous

      Different blouse. If it were the only one you had, fine. But if it’s a new purchase return it because it’s not great.

    • ChicagoChick

      I think anything that makes you worry if it’s appropriate for an interview is not the best choice for an interview, if only because you don’t want to think twice about what you’re wearing while you’re interviewing! But if by “a little bit sheer” you mean “light colored & thin enough that you can detect a difference in color between where it’s skin and where it’s camisole”, I think it’s fine. If you mean “you can read through it, then I’d pick a different shirt.

  4. Anon in NYC

    Cake/Buttercream recommendations – I’m looking for a really good cake and buttercream recipe for my LO’s first birthday. I’m looking for something a little bit more than a basic vanilla cake, but I don’t want anything too sophisticated. Thanks!

    • prinsesstarta

      Does it have to be buttercream? Google Swedish Princess Cake. The marzipan dome can be a total pain depending on your experience rolling out marzipan (pro tip: microwave for a few seconds with a few drops of water to soften it), but this is far and away my favorite cake. Make the pastry cream and simple syrup the night before you want to put the cake together – or at least do it first, before you start on the cake – so they have plenty of time to cool. It looks fancy, but it’s really just a layer cake and not difficult at all.

      I usually use this recipe, specifically. http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/princess-cake-recipe.html I’ve never made my own marzipan or jam, store-bought tastes just fine! I also usually put jam + pastry cream between each layer, because the fillings are my favorite part and more is better. :)

      • Anonymous

        This cake is a hard project. Pastry cream is fiddly, marzipan is too. Would not recommend for a first birthday when you are looking for something not too sophisticated.

      • anon

        +1 to Sally’s Baking Addiction. Also the following:

        Annie’s Eats
        Sweetapolita
        I Am Baker

    • anon8

      Trying again because my original comment disappeared.

      Check out the following blogs:

      Sallys Baking Addiction
      Annie’s Eats
      Sweetapolita
      I Am Baker

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Use Swiss meringue buttercream! It’s a few more steps, but less sweet (and delicious!), super smooth, and holds up better to decorating than regular buttercream. I use Sweetapolita’s recipe, but usually halve or even quarter it since it makes a ton.

    • Anonymous

      Any Cake Doctor recipe. They are basically foolproof but a little bit special.

    • Anon in NYC

      Thanks, all! I think the funfetti cake from Sally’s Baking Addiction will be a hit.

      • JJ

        I just made that in February for my son’s birthday and he LOVED it. Good choice!

    • NYtoCO

      I’m about to make Smitten Kitchen’s “Best Yellow/Birthday Cake” for a friend’s birthday, with a small layer of raspberry jam between the layers, and chocolate ganache on the outside and also between the layers. I think it’s a great way to make it a little more interesting while still making something relatively simple and that everyone will like.

  5. Finding Happiness

    Any advice for how to survive in an unhappy marriage (not abusive) with divorce being a prospect only in about 4 years?

    We’ve tried counselling on and off for years with little success. DH has not been able to make any of the suggested communication changes and based on his family of origin patterns, I don’t think that he truly agrees that our communication is problematic.

    Divorce isn’t an option for a few years because of the children’s ages and our financial situation. I’m open to the possibility that things will improve but I’m focused on learning to be happy and keeping the kids happy in my present situation. All advice appreciated!

    • el capitan

      I’m going to push back and ask why “4 years” is the magical spot in which you think it will be okay to divorce. My opinion is that the sooner the better when you realize you want divorce. I was the child of unhappy parents who wouldn’t divorce and knew it from day 1 – it was not a pleasant situation and I wish that my parents would have just gone on to divorcing so that they (and I) would have had chances at more happiness.

      • Finding Happiness

        Some research I’ve done indicates that children handle it best after they have started school (life outside the house) but before the teenage years. Four years from now would hit that spot for all three kids.

        Plus, we just moved into a house last year that we might be underwater on if we sold. I wouldn’t want the children to have to move. I love the house and I think the numbers would be right that I could keep it in a few years. I can’t afford the house on my own for at least another year or two.

        • Anonymous

          You’re gonna let research rule your life?

          Also, your house is just a thing. If the children haven’t even started school and you’ve lived there one year, moving will not be some big trauma for them.

        • Anonymous

          Based on my friends- the kids that are under 6 are more adaptive, the ones that are 8+ seem to be more resistant to changes, and less likely to accept that their parents aren’t getting back together

        • Child of Divorce

          I appreciate you want to minimize the divorce’s impact on your children’s lives, but here’s the thing: a divorce is going to be temporarily traumatic for your kids no matter when you do it, and the fact that their parents are divorced will be a fixture of their life forever after that. But don’t let that trap you in an unhappy marriage. Kids are really, really resilient and can adjust to almost anything. I was a teenager when my parents got divorced, and my youngest sibling had not yet started school, so my parents failed on both ends of the spectrum. We’re all 100% OK. How you and your husband act as respectful, cooperative involved co-parents after the divorce is far, far more important than the timing.

          If you think your marriage is hopeless, just get a divorce now. My parents were both happier once they split up, and we kids were all happier with happier parents. I know that’s not answering the question you asked, but I really think you should consider reframing.

        • Anonymous

          Another option may be getting a divorce, keeping the house and a small two bedroom apartment. The parents rotate who stays in the house and who stays in the apartment, the kids keep their house and have less disruption in their lives.

          I have friends who did this (amicable divorce) for several years. It did make dating harder, but both were really committed to making it as easy as possible for their children.

        • DisenchantedinDC

          My parents waiting until my brother and I were “out of the house” to divorce (my brother was in his senior year). I respect what you’re saying, but ultimately, screw research. Don’t let science rule your personal life. My brother and I knew our parents were unhappy and it impacted our childhood.

          A house is a thing. What your kids care about is that you love them and that they know that. Don’t torture them by living for another 4 years in a situation where at best their parents are no longer happy.

          • anon in SV

            My parents also waited until we were “out of the house” so what I saw growing up was a very, very unhappy but not abusive marriage, which they hid from us to varying degrees of success. I do not ever remember my parents being happy together. And now I’ve spent years in therapy unlearning all the sh!tty behavior I learned from my parents, including that relationships shouldn’t make me feel bad, that’s actually NOT normal, and how to actually be a good person and be a good wife. Pretty much after every session, I wish my parents had gotten divorced years and years before they did.

            Kids are adaptable and they think whatever they have in their home is normal, so if they grow up with divorced parents, they will adapt. If they grow up with parents who don’t like each other, and watch their mother stay in a marriage where she’s unhappy, they think THAT is what’s normal. What a terrible lesson to impart to your children.

        • Scarlett

          My husband’s parents divorced when he was little (4yrs old) and it’s all he really knew growing up. It didn’t impact him for the worse at all. Just anecdata, but I don’t think your kids ages should factor into your happiness. Kids pick up on unhappy anyway, and that’s not better for them.

          • anon

            This was also true of me, and my parents divorced when I was 4. Their stated reason for getting divorced was to set a good example for me- having healthy loving relationships and knowing when to walk away from something that isn’t working. I think I really did learn that lesson, and I think throughout my childhood I was a lot more resilient in general than other people my age

          • Calico

            Same here. I was 3. I don’t remember it and it was just the way things were.

          • Anon

            Also, if you are amicable enough now to consider living together, you could probably co-parent very well as divorced parents. After 4 years of living together unhappily, that might not be the case. I imagine resentment would build, but you wouldn’t be able to move on, as you could if you divorce. Why not give yourself a chance at happiness?

      • Bonnie

        +1 My brother delayed divorce for the sake of the kids and it just made everyone miserable. His relationship with the kids suffered too.

        • Finding Happiness

          Do you mind posting a bit more about this? How old were the kids? I’ve been delaying in part because I think it’s better for the kids based on what I’ve been reading. Finances are a big part too but with 3 under 6 I’m worried about the effect on them.

          • Bonnie

            2 under 6. If you’re arguing all the time, that is not good for the kids and it will only mess up their future relationships if they perceive yours as a normal relationship.

          • anon

            I’ll add my experience. I have no significant memory of my parents ever being happy together. From around the time I was 8 until I was about 12 or so, I remember waking up at night hearing my parents scream at each other as loud as they could. They screamed terrible things at each other and I remember feeling like the house was shaking with my dad’s voice. It got worse as I got older and they got unhappier. They both turned to alcohol. My mom went to rehab in my late teens. I have no model for seeing two adults in a healthy, respectful relationship, and worse, I saw bad behavior modeled. I never saw them be affectionate, or support each other. They would speak of each other with respect when they were *trying to*, but little incidents of them making snide comments at each other, or being unsupportive do NOT go unnoticed. The tension in the house was often palpable-kids aren’t dumb, they get it, and they modify their behavior and thinking in response. I modified my behavior by being constantly afraid that I would set off someone’s bad mood, so I structured my thinking and actions to avoid pissing anyone off. That sets one up for a lifetime of learning to ignore one’s needs to preserve (good and bad) relationships.

            I remember coming downstairs one day and seeing a large hole in the wall, that my parents pretended they didn’t see. I remember hearing my mom scream for someone to “help her” one night while I cowered in the upstairs bathroom (age 12?). My dad would talk sh*t to me about my mom, my mom would call him a monster under her breath. My parents loved me deeply, but couldn’t pay attention to my emotional needs because they were so focused on getting through their own. There was no pattern of physical abuse in the house- but things still got *that* bad. Other than this, they were high functioning, highly educated people. The point is that this is how much terribleness I and my brother felt when my parents were trying to pretend that they were ok.

            We knew and waited patiently for them to announce they were finally separating- such a relief, but the finality was kind of sad. My mom moved out when I was 13 or 14. She moved to an apartment walking distance from our house, where we stayed, so she was always close, but our relationship was wrecked by this point.

            I wound up very depressed around age 14, and I was eventually hospitalized for depression at 15. I pulled it together and live the totally high-achieving Corpor**** style life. I’m in therapy to deal with residual issues- sublimating my needs to preserve a relationship and keep people from getting mad, total fear of vulnerability, lack of understanding how to communicate in a healthy relationship. My brother has more issues outstanding- terrible relationship with my father, prone to wild emotional outbursts, depression, and lots of resentment.

            Sorry for the novel. I know you know your family best, but just know that kids perceive SO much. You won’t be able to hide your unhappiness.

        • CountC

          A very good friend stayed in a bad marriage for 10 additional years because he believed it was best for the kids (same concerns as you). The wife was the issue in this case and the way she has trashed their father to them over the (and even prior to talk of separating) has completed ruined any chance of a good relationship with her. The kids can’t stand spending time with her. They separated last year and the divorce will be final in June. While my friend’s relationship with his kids has always been excellent and strong, it has blossomed and become even stronger (and more amazing IMO) now that the parents are separated. All of the daughter’s acting up stopped when she was able to live away from her mother and with her father. The son was kind of clueless, but the daughter asked at age 12 why my friend wasn’t divorcing her mom. She knew they were unhappy and it absolutely affected her. The son has always been a great kid, but his relationship with his father has improved since the separation. The bad relationship between the parents (barely speaking, sleeping in different rooms, trash talking by mom) 100% had a detrimental effect on the kids. The kids are 16 and 18 now for reference.

    • Wildkitten

      Find other sources of happiness and minimize your exposure to the unhappiest parts of your marriage.

      • AIMS

        Agree. Also, would it help for you to reframe your mindset w/r/t what marriage needs to be for a bit? So, e.g., in present conception, you’re supposed to be in love and your spouse should be your best friend and someone who makes you weak in the knees and fulfills your physical and emotional needs, etc. But, say, you were living 150 years ago and your expectations were different, divorce wasn’t an option — a husband who wasn’t a drunk, wasn’t abusive, wasn’t a total a** and who went to work everyday would be considered a fairly good catch and the union would be a lucky one. Obviously, I’m not advocating that you throw away your needs or standards, but I think if you reframe your definition of what one needs to have a good union, you might find it easier to stick around for a little while longer (if that is what you think is best for you and your family).

        • Finding Happiness

          Thanks for this reminder. I’ve been working on the reframing. We’re not conservative Christian but I’ve found some blogs/posts from Christians helpful as they talk about how to focus on satisfaction instead of happiness (with divorce not being an option in their view). Maybe I’m trying to find satisfaction?

          • Anonymous

            If you want to know how people stay in marriages they want to leave here are some things they do:
            Drink too much
            Take up smoking
            Have affairs
            Gamble
            Shopping addiction
            Give away so much of themselves that they are toxic parents who can’t remember who they were before they made themselves small.

          • Anonymous

            +1 to the anon above me.

            Why drag this out for another four years, OP? You’ll make yourself miserable.

          • Anonymous

            I get that, but I also get how arranged marriages can be respectful and functional but not wow, awesome. I think I could have been content in one if things were tepid as opposed to great or so awful that I’d be OK leaving.

            Young kids are tough. Were you and your husband mismatched before kids? Or are there a lot of significant stressors? Do you fundamentally not get a long or are you coming apart in the marriage b/c of external things and how they’re dealt with?

          • Anonymous

            So…I know you aren’t conservative christian, but “devotions for a sacred marriage” are short little 3 page reminders about marriage every day. Yes, they are biblically based, but the principals are sound. But yes, try to find satisfaction, fulfillment, and happiness outside of your marriage. Your spouse shouldn’t be *everything* (emotionally)

      • Finding Happiness

        Thanks.

        I’ve been focusing so much on trying to fix the marriage that other sources of happiness has been kind of forgotten. I’m thinking of working out in our home gym after the kids go to bed so there’s less time that we can sit around and argue.

        • anon for this

          If your default is to sit around and argue when the kids go to bed, I can’t help but think that that tension is eventually going to spill over into times the kids will be aware of it. I am wary of the idea of staying in a bad marriage “for the kids.” My parents did a version of this because they did not believe in divorce, and my relationship with both parents was (extremely) negatively affected as a result.

          • Killer Kitten Heels

            OP, not to scare you, but my brother’s earliest childhood memory is cowering in fear with me in our shared bedroom while our parents “sat around and argued” after we went to bed at night. My earliest childhood memory is also of my parents arguing on the other side of a closed door while I was “asleep”. If you are going to stay, you owe it to your kids to figure out how to at least stop the arguments. I don’t care what statistics are telling you about the optimal kid-age for divorce, you do not want your children’s earliest memories to be of screaming and strife and fear.

        • Heather

          Get divorced, please. Nothing has traumatised me as much as the awful atmosphere in my house during the years my parents should have got divorced and didn’t. If they’d got divorced when I was small I’d have been so much happier and had a much better model for relationships than I ended up with.

    • Anonymous

      Get a divorce. 4 years of your life isn’t worth it. Your kids will be fine. You’ll be able to put a roof over their heads and food in their mouths.

      My all time favorite Suze Orman advice was to a mom who really wanted a divorce but couldn’t afford it. “You can’t afford NOT to get divorced. Rent a one bedroom is that’s what it takes.”

      • Senior Attorney

        I couldn’t agree more. I spent at least seven or eight years twisting myself up in knots, trying to fix the marriage, trying to find other sources of happiness, convincing myself the numbers didn’t pencil out, working out at the gym, doing self improvement projects, you name it.

        When I finally got the courage to leave, it was like a miracle. I still keep pinching myself that I get to have this awesome life. I am so glad I finally stopped settling for bits and pieces of “not so bad” in a bad marriage.

        If you are sitting around arguing after your kids go to bed, this is a toxic environment for them, too, and you need to leave.

    • Anon for this

      I’ll trust that you are the best judge of when a divorce may be appropriate for your family situation.

      In the interim, focus on not complaining or saying mean / bad things about dad in kids’ presence, talk to a divorce lawyer now about how to have yourself in the best financial position once the split occurs (there may be adjustments to income / retirement saving etc. that should be considered), and don’t announce your plans to friends or family who might feel compelled to ‘help’ in ways that will complicate the situation.

      Once divorce is initiated, pick the one thing you won’t compromise on (be it legal custody, keeping the house, etc.) and give up the fight on everything else. Divorce in itself isn’t inherently bad for the kids, but dragging it out for years is bad for everyone. Make as clean a break as you can and start working on defining a new normal for your family.

      Best of luck. This is all advice I wish I’d followed under similar circumstances.

      • Finding Happiness

        Thanks. I will look into a divorce lawyer to better understand the financial side of things.

        We’re both good about not name calling/talking badly about the other in front of the kids and friends/family are not aware – my parents babysat a few times when we went to counseling that was not recently.

        The only thing I care about it seeing my kids. I’ll try to stay focused on that. Interest in keeping the house is because of the stability it gives them.

      • Anon

        +1 to talking to a lawyer NOW. Depending on your state, there may be ways to segregate your income or assets, or future income or assets. I agree that divorcing sooner that later is best (as a child of late-in-life divorced parents who made us all miserable for way too long). But if you have to wait, be smart and prepared. If it would be helpful, talk to your spouse honestly (after talking to a lawyer) and you think if X, Y, and Z are not improved, divorce may be the only option.

    • EE

      Does the research on the divorce sweet spot actually suggest what you’re reading it to suggest? I’d guess that it actually looks at when divorces naturally occur and evaluates which have the least impact, but didn’t look at the impact of divorces that are postponed for years to hit this window. Seems like you could easily find staggeringly different results among people doing the latter. I have a pretty hard time believing that staying in a doomed, unhappy marriage for four years could be better for the kids in the long run… It just doesn’t make sense.

      I do understand wanting to keep the house, but I don’t think the rest of the argument holds water.

      • Finding Happiness

        Thanks. This is a good wake up call on the timing. It was looking at least impact and age of kids but postponing to hit that spot may not make sense.

        The house is important mostly because I can’t afford to keep us in the neighborhood on my own and it dictates school district and is very close to family/friends/my work. We moved basically within the same area last year and my oldest had a hard time with that so I’d hate to move him again if I don’t have to.

        • Anonymous

          Move. Your kids aren’t in those schools yet. Move someplace you can afford that is still near family. Move to those townhouses down by the river you drive by once a day and forget exist. Move two towns over to the town you think of as not good enough but is actually perfectly fine.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          Would alimony and child support keep you in the house? I obviously don’t know your financial situation but unless you do 50/50 custody and you make the exact same or more than your spouse, he will likely still be contributing financially to your household.

          • Finding Happiness

            This is the problem. No alimony as we have almost identical incomes. I may even be lucky to get 50-50 custody. Husband is home full time with the kids right now until returning to work at beginning of 2017. I definitely will not leave before then because I’m terrified I’d only get the kids every second weekend or something and end up paying him alimony.

            We bought so we could afford it on one salary if we had to (job loss) but our combined income doesn’t allow for house + second place for other parent.

          • Blonde Lawyer

            When the housing market was still tanked, I was involved with one case where the parties decided to divorce but remain living together as roommates (in separate rooms) for two years. Their fighting mostly stemmed from trying to save the relationship and once they could agree that the relationship was over, have everything divided and plan their future they were able to co-exist peacefully. If I recall correctly, they may have worked separate shifts that made this easier. I think it is a very rare couple that could do this and do it well but they did. Since you are looking for creative suggestions, I figured I’d throw it out there.

            They had a post divorce cohabitation agreement. They both agreed that neither would bring romantic interests into the house. They had a schedule worked out for who had primary responsibility of the children on what days. The other was free to make other plans those nights without having to check in. The accounts were split and put into individual names. They each contributed a set amount to a joint account from which the household bills were paid.

            Either could terminate the cohabitation agreement and move out with a certain number of days notice and a pay out of X, essentially buying the other out of the house. This was more than 5 years ago so I can’t remember the particulars but remember being shocked how well it played out. Another attorney and mediator worked out the agreement and I was just hired to review it for ethical reasons since the first attorney couldn’t dual represent. I advised the client on the risks and benefits and they decided to go with it.

    • AnonA

      Don’t wait. Don’t wait. Don’t wait.

      My kids were 4, 6, and 8 when their dad and I divorced. The four-year-old did beautifully – better than her older siblings. And everyone – kids and both parents – have been so much happier and less stressed without living with the constant drag of a painful marriage. I was concerned about my kids having to move. I shouldn’t have been. They are so resilient. Money was also a major worry, but we made it work. We had some lean years, but came out on the other side. My focus was being on the best parent I could be (not perfect), and it has been not only enough but great.

      I recently remarried. My husband has two kids who were a bit older when the divorce occurred – 10 and 14. It seems to me that they struggled more with the divorce. Plus, they had to deal longer with parents who were trying to deal with a painful marriage, which I truly believe is the greater of the two “evils.”

      Don’t wait. Don’t wait. Don’t wait.

    • Anon

      I would evaluate the following: I want my kids to see a loving marriage with proper communication so they know what a healthy relationship should look like. Staying married just to stay married for the kids MAY model the type of relationship and/or communication skills you don’t want for your children.

      I’m obviously not in your marriage so do whatever you think is best, but I just thought I would offer this food for thought….

      For what it’s worth, I’m divorced and divorced when my child was younger than 2.

      • anon in SV

        Yes, this, said fair more succinctly than me. What kind of behavior are you modeling for your children? What do you want your children to think marriage looks like?

    • Two Cents

      Not to pile on, but please strongly consider getting a divorce now/soon if the marriage isn’t salvageable. My parents divorced when I was 9 and all I remember is feeling so happy that there was peace and quiet in the house after they divorced. I really, really wish they had divorced a few years before because I just remember so much tension/yelling as a kid. Kids are resilient, they will not only survive but thrive in a new place/environment/living situation.

      Also, waiting another 4 years means waiting an even longer time to find another partner (assuming you are thinking about potentially being with someone else down the road). And even if you can’t possibly think about being with someone else now (or anyone now), remember that you may feel very differently with a fresh start to life.

      Best of luck.

    • Finding Happiness

      Thanks all for the responses. I appreciate the input. I have a lot to take away and make some decisions about.

      • Divorced mom

        I got divorced two years ago. My kids were 3 and 8 at the time. I probably stayed married two years longer than I should have because of very similar reasons as yours, but then it became absolutely unbearably unhappy trying to stay together and I ended up having an affair and blowing the whole thing up instead of making the tough but mature decision to just leave. I left, finally. He kept the house (that I loved!) I moved into a duplex. We split time 50-50 with the kids, doing a 2-2-5 schedule. I thought I’d probably ruined my kids, and maybe myself. I can now report the following: the kids are fantastic. My ex and I were never arguers but the tension and joylessness had been affecting my kids more than I realized at the time. I have never been happier. I bought my own house a year ago (6 blocks away from ex), have a boyfriend that I am crazy about, and love the balance I’ve found in my life. And, who ever would have guessed this — my ex and I have found peace and actually chat and laugh together when we have occasion to see each other. We do kid birthdays together adn xmas morning, etc. You can do this and thrive! I am so glad I finally mustered the courage to leave.

    • Another Child of Divorce

      Please do not wait. And do not assume that just because you aren’t yelling or fighting in front of the kids, they won’t know what’s going on. My parents never fought in front of us– I don’t have a single memory of them yelling at each other. But they hung on for about five years after the marriage was dead, and here’s what I do remember: Dad coming home late or not at all; Mom and Dad each getting absorbed into their individual hobbies rather than spending time together; parents saying good morning to each other and nothing else; going to the park with either Mom or Dad but not both; Mom and Dad sitting at the dinner table and carrying on lively conversations with the kids, but only small talk with each other. Kids notice these things.

      I was 12 when my parents separated and I wish they had done it earlier. My sister was 8 and it was very hard on her; both of us have said we wish it happened when we were younger so we got used to it sooner. I would rather my parents model for me that if your relationship isn’t healthy, you deserve better, than to stay in a relationship that isn’t working.

      • CountC

        Yep. My friend’s kids never saw their parents be affectionate with each other, never heard their mother tell their father, “I love you,” never saw their parents do things together, always saw their mom off with her friends drinking and talking badly about their father, listening to their mother tell them that their dad was choosing work over them (considering he traveled nationally with his daughter for soccer for 10+ years, coached teams, drove kids to and from school, made dinner every night, etc., false), saw their dad hole up in the house and not do anything for himself ever because he was so consumed with making sure the kids were provided for and taken care of, blah, blah, blah. He thought they were doing a good job of making it work, but the daughter knew what was going on even though she was young.

  6. Anon

    Three weeks ago, I had a second interview with a company that went really well. They told me the earliest I’d hear back about round three was April 18, because the General Counsel was out of town and retuning that day.

    I didn’t hear anything. I assume this is bad news, but do I send an email and restate my interest? I already sent a thank-you email (“I am excited to become better acquainted with the legal team/I look forward to meeting more of the team” type stuff) after the first and second interviews. If I send an email…What do I say? or do I assume this is their way of passing?

    • Anonymous

      Ummm what no? 4/18 was the earliest, it’s a week and a bit later, don’t assume anything and don’t reach out until next week at the earliest.

    • Idea

      Let them know you’re still interested and you hope they are, too, and if you’ve done anything in the meantime to show off. And you’d be happy to answer any questions that they might have.

    • Parfait

      Hiring always takes longer than they think it will. Wait at least another week, then email them to ask about their timeline / reiterate your continued interest.

  7. Io

    I need some handbag recommendations/vicarious shopping. The handles of my cheap “need a work bag, but haven’t been paid yet” purse is coming off, and it’s time for an actual purse.

    I need a decent size bag to carry my work laptop (15 in across), papers, wallet, phones, lunch, and occasionally shoes. I’m expecting to spend about $75-$100, and could go up to $150 if necessary for something that will hold up much better.

    I like the clean lines and structured look, and think I’d rather pay for real leather than the vegan alternative, but mostly I just want something worth the money that won’t fall apart 6 months later.

    Thoughts? Thanks for the help!

  8. LadyB

    Need gift ideas

    My mom is retiring this week after being a police officer for 30 years. Any gift suggestions?

  9. Joint Finances Advice

    Currently, H and I have combined finances (joint pot) approach. Mostly…

    I make twice what he does. I also have more student debt than he does. My paycheque is deposited into our joint account and we both have debit cards on it – everything joint is paid out of there, including house (rent), groceries, utilities, the car payment, etc. but also individual expenses. We try to live on my income. His income goes into an account I don’t have access to and his student loan payments come out of there and a couple autodebits (like his phone). He then e-transfers the rest to our joint account, where we then apply it to debt (both mine and his). He will occasionally spent the money in his account on expenses, mostly his own (sports fees), but sometimes joint (for example, he might pay our tab at the club on his account).

    I am always stressed about money. I never know when something big might come out of the account (he just paid a year’s worth of gym membership with money I had earmarked for something else). We’re not doing a great job of savings. (He has a pension plan but I have nothing and no employer match). I have anxiety about it constantly.

    I am considering suggesting we move to a separate finances approach. The way the income split works, I think I should be paying 2/3 of the household bills and he 1/3. That way I would always know how much money I had, and I could choose to allocate as I wished (debt vs. saving vs. shopping). But for those of you who do this, what is joint? For example, the car payment is 6x more expensive than my transportation cost (transit pass). Yes, we occasionally use the car for joint things (groceries, visiting my parents) but it was bought because he has to commute by car (no other option). Should we both be paying part of the car and part of my transit pass? What about groceries vs lunch out? I meal plan and cook everything, so if I don’t make lunches, there is no lunch and he would have to eat out. Do I get penalized for that?

    • Anonymous

      No. No to this.

      A) you don’t have joint finances now!! You have split finances.

      B) the solution isn’t fighting over every expense and playing for different financial teams. It’s sitting down and talking together about having a budget, what you each are planning on spending, and checking in before buying big things that haven’t already been accounted for.

      Like, how is it marriage if he just gets less money to spend because his job requires a car? Is that really what you want?

      • lawsuited

        +1 If you don’t have access to his account, your finances aren’t really joint. My husband and I have a joint chequing account, where my pay cheque is deposited (2/3 of household income) and used for monthly expenses, a joint savings account where his pay cheque (1/3 of household income) and used for larger items we save up for like a new computer or a year’s worth of gym fees. The only aspect of our finances that is not joint is that we each have a credit card with a low limit ($500) that we can use for work expenses and gifts for each other. I love having joint finances because it means we can share billing/banking/financial planning tasks and lighten the load.

        I also have a lot of anxiety about money, so my husband monitors the accounts more closely than I do, but checks in with me if he sees anything concerning. We check in with each other before we make a big purchase (even a text while we’re in the store if it’s a spur of the moment thing) so there are no surprises.

        I think the problem here is that you don’t have joint finances or separate finances, you have a stressful hybrid. If you and your husband are already on the same page about wanting joint finances, then make them properly joint and improve your communication about big purchases.

    • JJ

      It sounds like the issue isn’t joint versus separate, it’s that you’re not on the same page regarding money and saving and you don’t have a go-forward plan. The gym fees, for example: Did you tell your husband that you had earmarked that money for another expense? Did your husband give you a head’s up that he was going to be making such a big purchase?

      We’re a “one big pot” family and literally everything goes into one checking account (apart from our investment stuff). It works really well for us, but you HAVE to communicate a lot.

      • Opal

        +1 One Big Pot works extremely well for us, but we talk about money, literally, every day. You might have shared accounts but you do not sound like you are truly “joint” given the surprises you’ve faced/described.

        I am the “money manager” ultimately – I pay the bills each month, but there’s a spreadsheet that is shared and he sees. He understands that $500 in joint checking doesn’t mean there is $500 to spend freely as it’s usually, at least partially, earmarked for a bill that hasn’t drawn yet, for example. I think communication is what you need to work on, not separate/joint.

        • Opal

          BTW we also get $500/mo each for individual extras (my yoga, his hobbies, my hair cuts, his expensive taste in shoes (I know..), my nights out with the girls, etc.). This gets put into individual checking accounts each month.

          • Senior Attorney

            This is how we did it when I was married. I managed the money but we both got a personal allowance for things like mani/pedi’s and nights out with the boys/girls. We had line items in the common budget for things like gym memberships and cars. I agree you have to communicated really well and really often.

    • mascot

      So it sounds like you have a shared account, not what I consider common pot? It sounds like what you really need is to come up with a budget with the focus on what gets paid when. For us, that meant having one account that’s the operating account where all money gets deposited and all bills get paid, regardless of income and who incurs what expense. A certain amount of money gets auto deposited into a savings account. Both of us have access to the accounts so that we know what we have when.

    • Anonymous

      A simpler solution to this problem might be to suggest a spending threshold beyond which you have to talk about the expense as a couple. You could set it at $100, $500, $50, $1000.. whatever your budget allows for unplanned discretionary spending. But make it the same amount for both of you. That way you know what all of your fixed costs are as a couple and there shouldn’t be any large surprise expenses that sneak up on you.

    • Diana Barry

      I would go in the opposite direction – get rid of his individual account and have all his direct deposits and auto-pays come out of the joint account.

      Then take a look at your spending and what is mandatory (loan payments, rent/mortgage, etc.) and when those is coming out, and then you can better budget for “a year’s worth of gym membership” etc.

      You should also TALK TO HIM about your anxiety re: spending and expenses and how you feel like you don’t know where everything is going, and how you would feel better if you had a more concrete budget and an expectation of what expenses are coming up. It should also work better for your anxiety if you both check in with each other before making large purchases.

      • Cat

        Yep yep yep. Your problem isn’t where the money is located, whether that’s one account or 50 — it’s that you’re not communicating clearly about actual and anticipated spending.

        Perhaps it helped in our case that we started off married life as students, so neither of us had a sizeable, self-earned nest egg to hold onto as “my own” going into the relationship, BUT questions like those in your last paragraph (how do we deal with the car? do I take a “hit” for not meal planning?) are the reasons that H and I have always been one pot — we view incoming money (other than bonuses, for which the earning person gets to spend a portion on something fun of his/her choosing), as well as outgoing money, from the perspective of “Mr and Mrs Cat” as a team.

    • KT

      So…I feel like you’re approaching this in a complicated way.

      You have joint finances, but you really don’t. You have a common stash of cash, but he has a separate account but pulls on the common account for frivolous spending without talking with you. That isn’t a problem with joint finances, that’s a relationship, “we”note-not-on-the-same-page” problem.

      Have you sat down together and gone over your finances? Where you stand, your debt, your expenses, your goals? If he has no idea how much your debt payments are or what the utilities cost, of course he’s going to spend the money.

      It may be best for you to have a common checking account that you two share that is ONLY for living expenses–rent, utilities, etc. Then you each have your own savings account. After you have a budget, set aside money for each of you as “blow money”–money you can spend without having a big conversation about it…buy a comic book, buy a handbag, whatever.

      Also, it strikes me that you talk about your expenses versus his and if you “get penalized”. This isn’t a point system–you’re supposed to be partners. If you feel penalized, there are some serious issues in there. If you’re truly partners and joint, it isn’t “her debt” or “his car”…it’s ours, so you’re both responsible for making the payments and for benefiting.

    • EB

      Agree with above that you do not have joint finances. Your money is “our” money and his money is his money. That seems unfair to me. I’m a fan of the one big pot, but also a fan of going over your expenses every month. He needs to know how much your life together costs – without this knowledge, he probably thinks you make bank. I think this is a foolish assumption on his part, but both people need to know the finances and be on the same page about them. Having a plan that you share will make you less stressed.

    • SC

      +1 to all the advice above. Some food for thought – what is the current financial set-up supposed to accomplish, practically and emotionally? Why is his paycheck going into an account you don’t have access to? Why do his student loans get paid out of “his” income, but your student loans get paid out of “joint” income?

      If you move to separate finances, what’s the supposed pay-off for spending time and mental energy worrying about who takes the “hit” for using the car or for not planning and making lunch? If you think you’d be less stressed because you’d be better able to predict what’s coming out of the account, that’s usually fixable with better communication and budgeting.

      FWIW, DH and I see everything we earn as “one pot,” and all of it is “our” money. I’m responsible for the routine finances, but I use a separate email account for everything financial, and DH has access to it. Then there is a LOT of communication about money. We frequently have conversations about big decisions that affect our finances the most (savings, investments, housing, childcare). We also have a conversation every couple of months where we review, discuss, and adjust our budget. Throughout the month, I’ll check the budget (we use YNAB), and if a category is getting low, I’ll let DH know. We also talk about it if a large or out-of-the-ordinary expense is coming up.

      If your husband just isn’t going to be that great of a communicator about every little thing, one solution might be have a one-pot approach for the large/shared things, then give each of you some “fun” money to spend on whatever you want (maybe lunch, clothes, gym membership, yoga class, happy hour, etc.). This seems to work for a lot of people.

    • WestCoast Lawyer

      I’ll throw out what we do, since it seems to work pretty well for us. We have one joint account that we use to pay all recurring bills, mortgage, student loans, etc. and make sure to deposit probably a couple hundred more into that account each month (since some bills, like electric and water, vary throughout the year.

      We also have a separate joint savings account into which we each automatically deposit a set amount out of our paychecks. This is primarily for long-term savings, although very rarely we may use it for an unexpected expense, vacation, etc.

      The remainder of our paychecks goes into a joint checking account. We use debit cards for nearly everything, so we see the money come out as soon as we spend it, and are both pretty good about checking the balance regularly. If one of us puts something large on a credit card (because we want the miles, it’s an online purchase, etc.) we let the other one know that we need to leave some extra cushion in that account until the cc bill is paid.

  10. Wedding April

    Wedding was two weeks ago so want to thank everyone for answering all my questions.

    I have one more regarding thank you cards. I wanted to use labels on the envelope, but I’ve read online that its better to handwrite the address. My husband and I have horrible handwriting so the thought of writing out sixty envelopes stresses me out.

    What did you ladies do?

    Thanks

    • Anonymous

      Doesn’t matter. Do whatever will get them out fastest. Yes, handwritten is supposedly preferred but honestly so not a big deal. Just get them out.

    • Opal

      I promise no one (that matters) cares. Use the labels.

      PS: Congrats on the wedding!

    • Cat

      just use the labels. For the love, I would SO SO SO much rather receive a timely thank you, whether labeled or not, than never receive one and always wonder “did they get it? would I be rude to ask? oh, now they’re inviting me to their baby shower and I probably won’t ever be thanked for that gift either!”

    • Duckles

      Off topic: I didn’t receive thank-yous for gifts for the last two weddings (one 9 months ago, one two years ago). These are otherwise really conscientious friends so I’m surprised and wonder if the presents actually didn’t make it there (ordered on online registry). With five weddings this summer, is that something that happens and I should buy and mail gifts myself? Or chalk it up to just honest mistakes when they received hundreds of gifts?

      • anonymama

        It may have been a mistake, they forgot to send the note, or depending on where you ordered it from, it may have been received but with no label of who it was from (I’ve had this happen with things from Amazon a few times). In the big picture, I think it’s probably better for your own peace of mind and your friendship to just assume that something like that happened (missing label, lost card).

        • EE

          Amazon’s registry has a Thank You manager so they’d for sure know who it was from. Same is true of Bloomingdales and various other places. Even without that, an unattributed gift off a registry should be easy to trace.

    • WestCoast Lawyer

      I had the same internal debate about addresses for our Christmas cards one year. So much so that I started digging through the recycling to see how many of the cards I received were hand addressed and how many were printed labels…until I realized that the fact I had to dig out the envelopes meant that I hadn’t noticed when I received them so why would I think anyone else would notice? Go for the labels and save yourself the trouble!

    • Anonymous

      If you want to get really cute you can get a custom stamp made (on etsy– but paper source also carries them). We got one before sending out christmas cards. it makes things go faster but is a little more “special” than labels. I’m into that stuff though.

      • NYtoCO

        I think she’s talking about the labels for the receivers, not her address.

    • Baconpancakes

      If you’re REALLY REALLY REALLY stressing about the labels, use a “handwriting” font and print them on transparent labels, or if you have a printer that can do this, run the actual envelopes through the printer with a handwriting font. Look up free fonts for handwriting fonts – there are plenty that are quite nice and look very presentable. Since you’ll be using it for personal use, no worries about any commercial licensing. Even a regular font will look very nice on transparent labels.

      Here’s the initial search I ran. http://www.dafont.com/theme.php?cat=603&l%5B%5D=10&l%5B%5D=1&l%5B%5D=6

      • APC

        +1 this is what we did (though we had a lot more than 60 to send). nice font, transparent labels.

    • Dulcinea

      Done is better than perfect. 95% of what matters is that you send a card in the first place. Everything else- the phrasing, the stationery you choose, the labels on the envelopes – is reserved for the final 5%.

  11. Jitterbug

    I need to vent about my commute, because even in the land of “Massholes,” this morning was worse than usual.

    First, I pull to the right so an ambulance could get by (it would have had room without me pulling over, but y’know, it’s the law and whatnot) and the driver behind me didn’t, and then proceeded to try to pass me before I could pull back out. Because clearly, if I’m pulling over for an ambulance, I’m clearly an old lady no self-respecting professional wants to get stuck behind on the way to their very important job!

    THEN, I see a pedestrian walking across the street, and yeah she didn’t have a crosswalk or anything but no big deal, I had plenty of time to stop so I did, because I just don’t feel like killing complete strangers first thing in the morning, and positioned myself in the middle of the lane so no one would try to pass me on the right (and possibly hit the woman crossing), but no, you see, the person behind me was just too damn important to stop for five seconds, so they pulled into the parking lot to the right and tried to use that to get around both me and the pedestrian. Who does this??

    I mean, there were other, everyday occurrences of jerk behavior, like honking at someone driving too slowly, or tailgating me after I slowed down for a cyclist, but those two instances rose above the usual level of rude.

    • X

      As a fellow Mass resident, I regularly run the risk of being run over when I cross the street in a crosswalk. It happens at least 2x a week. Near my office there are signs everywhere about stopping for pedestrians because there have been a larger than normal number of severe car v. pedestrian accidents. My sympathies!

      And last week when I honked after a guy cut me off, he responded with a very rude gesture (much worse than the finger)…

      • Jitterbug

        I honked at a guy who lingered at a green light, because I knew he was texting and not paying attention, and he got really mad. People are horrible.

        • 2 Cents

          Me too! My guy actually stopped for a GREEN light. When I gave a short honk, he got all bothered. Stop texting!

          • Jitterbug

            I once watched a woman sit through almost an entire green light because she was talking on the phone. She didn’t move until someone (a very patient driver actually) finally beeped at her to move. But again, how are people this oblivious while driving? It scares me!

      • NYNY

        I want to know what this gesture is! I have nothing in my arsenal ruder than the finger, but there may be occasions to use one…

        • Lucie

          Same here ;-) Although a British/ European MP made the news recently for making a rude gesture during a Brexit debate which apparently amounted to telling another MEP to go masturbate himself…

    • Opal

      HA! Did item #1 happen on the approach to the Tobin Bridge this morning going into Boston? Because I witnessed that.

      • Jitterbug

        Nope, Washington St. near Brighton Square. Something about that part of town seems to either bring out the worst in people or attract the worst people.

    • Anonymous

      I moved a few years ago, but back when I lived among the Massholes with my out of state plates (student), I would routinely be waiting at a stop sign for traffic to clear so I could turn onto the major road, and someone behind me would decide I wasn’t aggressive enough. They’d swerve into the lane for traffic turning onto our road and just fly into the intersection without even looking. There’s a running joke that I’m not allowed to drive any other firm employees because *I* drive too aggressively and they don’t want to lose multiple attorneys in one shot, so it’s not like I was a scared rural girl driving in the big city for the first time! I just didn’t feel like T-boning someone to get myself into the intersection, and apparently that’s a little too passive for Massholes–never seen that anywhere else. Honk and angrily gesture like “what are you waiting for, an engraved invitation?” sure, but not just pulling out in front of everyone.

      • Marshmallow

        Ugh. I’ve stopped at lights (yellow on the approach but red by the time I come to a complete stop) and been passed by the person BEHIND me, who then flies through the red light as the cars coming the other way are starting to roll off the line. This has happened at least three times– not Boston, but a small East Coast city with a reputation for grittiness. I was so happy to switch jobs and go to a train commute.

    • Anonymous

      I’m in mass too and I swear, my blood pressure went down the day i got rid of my driving commute. First it turned into a (commuter) train commute, which compared to the car was a blissful 40 minutes of peace and quiet with wifi, then I started working at home.

      I have to say, southern Connecticut (Fairfield county) drivers are worse. I know how bad mass is- I’ve been here 15 years- but CT (95 and the merit) is just this horrid, hurried clog of people who gun it only to slam on the breaks with the occasional NY/NJ driver gunning it at 90mph to get one space ahead. I make DH drive when we go visit family because it makes me panicky to drive there now (which is odd since that’s where I learned to drive!).

      • Jitterbug

        I used to take the commuter rail when I was going from the suburbs to the city (it’s not an option now, I go from Brighton to Waltham and public transit out that way would take hours), and it was nice that I could just sit back and relax, but I encountered plenty of jerks in that environment as well, like when I managed to get one of those single seats by the stairs and middle aged men who boarded after me would get mad because they wanted to sit there!

    • Calico

      It’s this awful in LA too. People don’t brake, they swerve into other lanes, doesn’t matter if someone else is in it. Sometimes it brings me to rage tears.

      • Parfait

        Oh my god yes. LA is horrible. Particular favorites have included: being rear-ended because I stopped for a yellow, and the person behind me “just assumed” I was going to keep going; stopping at the line in order to keep an intersection clear, and having people go around me so they could fill up the intersection; and changing from the farthest-right lane to the center lane, and the person in the farthest left lane – nowhere near me even – panicked and swerved into oncoming traffic, running over several of those poles that are supposed to keep you from doing that.

    • Anon

      This is actually part of the reason I’m really happy to be moving away from Boston this year. I’m moving back to my trafficky, crowded home state, but I’ve never seen so many aggressive, self-centered drivers who are just completely a**holes as I have in Boston. It contributes to a low level of daily stress and fear since I walk to and from work and have had way too many near misses with drivers who just chose to ignore me as a pedestrian (crosswalk or not, red light or not, it doesn’t matter).

      • Jitterbug

        Sometimes I think, if I switched to a job in the city, I would buy a bike and use that to get to work, but man, with so many drivers being rude and downright dangerous around cyclists, I don’t know if I have the courage. I have a lot of respect for people who bike to work every day.

    • anon

      As a fellow Bostonian, I feel your pain. Yesterday I was brought to (love the term) “rage tears” when someone decided to go straight through the right turn only lane and then tried to side swipe me into oncoming traffic. I have been chased home while someone is laying on their horn (literally, she followed me home). And I’ve had someone get out of their car to yell at me (in Providence). Ughh sometimes it’s just too much for me. The funny thing is I take 95 to and from work most days and I don’t really encounter many problems on 95. It’s the side streets! Even when merging on 95 it seems like someone is always letting me in. But ugh the running lights, the not realizing that there is a reason I’m stopped (i.e. pedestrian), the over-use of jumping the left turn, and the going straight through turn-only lanes! Aghhh!

      • anon

        My spouse grew up outside Boston and nearly got killed in LA for jumping the left turn, which he didn’t realize isn’t a thing outside of Boston.

        • Anonymous

          I live in Dallas and people jump the left turn in front of me (going straight) all the time. There are so many people here self-absorbed on their phones when stopped at a red light (I imagine this is not just a Dallas thing) that there’s usually a 3-5 second lull *minimum* before most cars realize they have a green and start moving, so the left turn jumpers think they have plenty of time. They shouldn’t do this period, but if they’re h3ll bent on it, they should try actually looking at the drivers they’re about to jump and maybe realize it’s not the greatest idea if the driver is staring straight at the light, fully engaged.

  12. Anonymous

    What’s the protocol with working on new matters after you’ve given your notice? I’m moving from one biglaw firm to another. I’ve already cleared conflicts with the new firm. My current firm is asking me to work on a bunch of new matters, including one that they think the new firm might be on the other side of. I’ve refused to work on that matter (and got an earful about it) but I’m wondering if I should refuse to work on any new matters. I don’t want to jeopardize my position with the new firm but I also don’t want to leave my current firm on a bad note. Thoughts or advice?

    • Anonymous

      How much notice did you give? I think the notice period is typically for wrapping up and transitioning existing and open matters. I wouldn’t except to give notice and then be staffed to new matters. And I think that’s a fair line to hold to.

      • OP

        That’s what I thought too. And frankly if I were the client I wouldn’t want someone with one foot out the door to be privy to my confidential information. Especially if that person is moving to the opposing party’s firm. But the partner is super angry that I’m turning down work. And a different partner is expecting me to take on new assignments on my existing matters – assignments that cannot be completed working reasonable hours until I leave. Everyone acts like I’m doing something terrible by turning down new work, like I’m lazy and never really cared about my work or the firm.

  13. Anon Associate

    I’m a 3rd year at a BigLaw firm and a partner just asked if I’d like to go in house to the legal department of a client. Should I be flattered, or is it a hint that I need to move on?

    • Cat

      I’d be flattered, subject to my point below — firms like installing loyal alums at good clients to protect the future workflow. The client probably asked the firm if they knew anyone at your experience level was looking (or they may have asked about you personally, if you’ve worked with them). 3rd year is a bit on the early side to leave, but not unheard of by any means.

      *Assuming you’ve had consistent positive reviews and feedback — if you get lukewarm “yes you’re meeting expectations, you’re doing fine” it’s not that you’ll be fired if you stay, it’s just that the firm probably sees you as a future client (and is happy to keep making money off you in the meantime) rather than a future partner.

    • mascot

      Flattered. If they thought you were a bad lawyer/ bad representative of the firm, they aren’t embedding you with a client where you could trash that relationship..
      But, you probably want to get some more information about your hours, keeping up with your class year, making sure you are getting all the skills developed that you need to get developed, etc. Some clients are better than others.

    • Anonymous

      I’m a partner.

      I wouldn’t send a bad lawyer to a client. I’d counsel them out.

      I’d keep the true rockstars. The good lawyers, the ones I like but don’t see being or wanting to be rockstars, are ones I’d place to a client.

      So, overall it’s good, but also a sign that you’re not on the OMG need to keep and promote this person list. Depending on how high the bar is (you may be at CWT, Skadden, etc.) this may be a gift.

    • cbackson

      It means they don’t think you suck, but you’re not going to make partner. So both?

  14. Kelsey

    My firm is asking for me to come up with my 3 professional goals for this year, which will be compiled and forwarded to the head of the office. I’m debating whether to get really specific (work on X number of Y deals) or if they are looking for something more general (build my network). Basically, I have no idea what’s the purpose of this exercise, but I need to do it anyway. Any tips/suggestions? I’m a lawyer in a transactional practice and I am 1 year away from partnership consideration. Thanks.

    • Anon

      I’m junior to you, but I’m so grateful to Past Me for making my year’s goals fluffy ones (networking) instead of substantive. Reviews are always nerve-wracking, so it was nice to be able to say that I had accomplished what I set out to do instead of failing to achieve things that may have been beyond my control (X number of Y deals).

      • Cat

        Yeah, I agree with this — choose things that are within your control (for example, increase client development activities by attending networking events (and speaking at firm CLEs?)).

  15. Anonymous

    If you were resigning from your job, would you use up (some or all of) your leave? Assume that your unused leave is not paid out and that you’re not cutting short your 2 weeks by being out of the office.

    • el capitan

      I don’t know that I would use it all up especially near the end if it looked like I was checking out and I wanted ot preserve a good relationship with the company. I would not worry at all about using SOME, especially on popular time-off holidays/long weekends. But when I was leaving a firm that I knew I was never going to go back to (left the industry) I used up my remaining 5 days of leave for a nice leisurely vacation.

    • DC Anon

      Yes, of course! If it’s not paid out, it’s effectively pay that you leave on the table when you walk out the door.

  16. Anon

    Hello ladies,

    I am expecting my baby boy in September and I was hoping to find out what magazines you read for parenting/health/family? Do you have any recommendations for subscriptions?

    Also, what are your favorite blogs about pregnancy and babies?

    Thanks in advance!

    • Idea

      When I was a new mom, I got a 1-year subscription to Parents? Or parenting?
      I worked part-time then, so I found a lot of the local publications with things to do and some essays/articles very helpful.
      I hate pregnancy and baby blogs, and did even when I was pregnant. I liked my local listserve- DC Urban Moms (and Dads). That was 2008. I’ve heard it’s changed a lot since then…

  17. Anonymous

    Not sure if this is too late, but also I have a resigning your job issue I’d appreciate feedback on – I have a job offer and I’d like to give notice ASAP. I also have some long-scheduled time off next week (3 business days total) for my sister’s (desi) wedding. The partner I get most of my work from has been trying to get me to cancel on the wedding ever since I told him about it and he’s currently really laying on the pressure. We don’t have anything urgent that he can’t get someone else to staff, he’s just being a d!ck because he thinks it’s ridiculous to take off work for a wedding.

    I know I will have to work some during the wedding no matter what, but as it stands, I know he will try to get me to work 10+ hour days. If I give notice this week, before I leave for the wedding, the 3 days off would be in the middle of my 2-week notice period. I’m a little iffy about giving more than 2 weeks because I worry that (a) he might tell me to pound sand and I can’t afford to be without a job for a whole month (I’m taking a week off in between jobs), or (b) it just gives him more time to punish me for leaving/going to the wedding he wants me to cancel. I’m strongly leaning toward just giving my 2 weeks and say FOOEY that I’ll happen to be out of town for 3 business days of that. Am I horrible for doing this?

    • Batgirl

      Not horrible, but I believe some companies prohibit you from using vacation during your notice period. So you may want to wait or add on an additional three days to compensate for the time off.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah but if she is at a US firm then she doesn’t have a notice period. 2 weeks is just a courtesy.

        Say fooey and move on, work zero hours a day when you are at the wedding, and enjoy.

        • OP

          Yes, 2 weeks is a courtesy not a requirement. But I really don’t care if they don’t pay me for the 3 days, I’m going to my sister’s wedding.

          I had to sit through a racist rant about how idiotic it is to have a wedding that’s more than just an evening and how “culture” is just an excuse to be lazy. But as much as I want to tell the guy off, even subtly, I don’t want to burn bridges, especially with others.

    • Anon

      Three business days is a long time off in your company? We take four weeks off at a time..!!!

    • JJ

      He doesn’t want you to take off work for your SISTER’S wedding? Eff that noise. Give notice, take your days off, and don’t look back.

    • EE

      That is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. Would he have similarly flipped out over a week-long vacation? If not, this makes less than no sense. Give your 2 weeks on your proposed timeline, enjoy the wedding, and try your best to ignore his crazy.

  18. Anonymous

    PSA–Apparently May 7 is World Naked Gardening Day. Some people have been doing gardening all wrong if they have to have a special naked day for it ;)

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