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These double-row huggies have been hovering back and forth between available and sold out for the past few weeks — I love the double rowed bling with the comparatively small size. Fun question, for those of you who've bought a lot of “fine” jewelry at department stores: Which department store is your favorite for purchasing fine jewelry for value/quality/style? Have you found a good market for reselling such jewelry if you feel like it no longer fits your style, etc.? (As someone who bought a lot of stuff at Macy's years ago I'm curious and just starting to think about it — the online resale sites like Tradesy and The Real Real seem too high-end for no-name department store fine jewelry, if that makes sense.) KC Designs Diamond Double Row Huggie Earrings
Here's a lower-priced option.
(L-3)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Gail the Goldfish
Does anyone have a favorite online calorie estimator where you can put in ingredients that they think is pretty accurate? I’ve started tracking calories and have no idea how many calories the salads at my favorite salad place have (but I think the answer is “more than I think”).
Anonymous
my fitness pal. And start cooking at home and buy a food scale, it will really help your accuracy
TBK
+1 But also don’t be too bonkers about it. It’s really a rough estimate anyway. You’d need very high tech equipment to calculate exactly how many calories your particular body needs and how your body processes different types of foods. Be prepared to tinker a bit to find what works for you. For example, according to many online calculators I should eat anywhere from 1300 to 2100 calories a day to lose weight. Add in exercise and it’s all out of whack. I’ve found that eating about 1450-1600/day plus working out 3-5 days/wk will result in an average of 1.5 lbs/wk . (Some weeks it’s a 5 lb loss, some weeks it’s a 2 lb gain. But in general, the trend goes down.)
Jordan
Man. I just switched my fitbit to alert me when I meet my goal from steps to how many calories I burn.
If I run in the morning, I hit my steps before lunch. But not so much with calories! Damn.
Real lesson of it’s definitely easier to cut the calories coming in than burn them.
I’ve used ones in the past but I have no idea about the accuracy really. It was so arduous to do it that I eventually gave up.
Parfait
My fitness pal is my favorite too. I like its recipe entry system where you can just enter a URL if it’s online. You still end up making some edits (for some reason, it always selects Fried Eggs when my recipe has eggs in it) but it’s really easy to use.
And if that favorite place is a chain, it might have an entry for that exact item already. If not, one can usually find something pretty similar from another restaurant.
Vacation with baby?
Any thoughts about or experiences with (good or bad) taking a 7-week old on a beach vacation? My husband and I wanted to get away before the baby comes, but we won’t be able to. We’re talking about going after the baby comes when I’m still on leave. My husband is reluctant to go because of the long flight, time change, etc. I don’t think it will be a big deal because the infant won’t be on a schedule yet and I’ve never had an issue flying with an infant (this is our second – our first would stay at home with grandparents). Am I missing something? Is it a terrible idea?
Anon
You won’t really know if this is a good idea or not until you meet your baby. Baby who BFs and sleeps great and child #1 adjusting well might work – although you’ll be inside a lot more than a typical beach vacation – baby can’t be in the sun much at that age. Baby who is colicky and you have no sleep and BF issues and 1st child adjusting poorly? Might not be such a good idea. I do think child #1 may react poorly to being left in the middle of having their world rocked by intro of sibling.
Wow
That was my first thought too. Why is child #1 staying behind? That doesn’t look very good.
I wouldn’t take a 7 week old to the beach, personally. They can’t be out in the sun very much so your outside time is limited, unless you and DH are taking lots of turns.
Shayla
Disagree. First one staying at home is brilliant if a trip with the 7 week old makes sense after getting to meet the newborn. One less kid to wrangle on vacay, and the older sibling likely loves being with the Grandparents. Sun shades, umbrellas, and hats. It sounds like a lovely trip if it makes sense, and you both realize it won’t be 100% lazing around in the sun. I’d go somewhere with some good indoor activities you want to do too.
Two Cents
I agree that the optics of only taking child #2 don’t look very good for child #1. I’d consider taking both or bring along the grandparents to help take care of both kids. :) As for taking a newborn, I’d be wary because baby won’t have shots yet and there is of course now Zika to worry about.
Spirograph
Depending on the age of the older child, and how excited he or she is to spend a week alone with grandparents, I also disagree that the optics are bad. My grandparents would take each kid alone for a week each summer when I was younger. I didn’t care what my siblings did when I was away — I got my grandparents to myself! And they took me on adventures and made my favorite foods and it was the highlight of my summer! I’m pretty sure siblings felt the same way about their solo weeks with grandparents.
As for a baby on a beach vacation… I think that makes it much less of a vacation for you, but it’s still more of a vacation than wrangling a preschooler. As long as your idea of a beach vacation is hanging out in the sand and checking out the beach town, a baby that young isn’t going to cause you any more trouble than lack of sleep and logistics of “stuff,” so it sounds like a reasonable plan to me. Personally, I might forego the beach in favor of a vacation with less travel involved and where I wouldn’t have to worry as much about sun protection for infant skin, but those are both totally surmountable.
LAnon
+1 to Spirograph. We each stayed with Grandma and Grandpa for a week every summer when I was growing up and I looked forward to it so much! I have no idea what my family was doing during that time. They could have been anywhere. My grandparents let me play in a creek and choose what we ate for dinner every night and wave at people out the sunroof of Grandma’s car. The rest of my family could have been at Disneyland and I still wouldn’t have cared.
Sarabeth
Yeah, this. A trip like this would have been hellish with my kid, but I have friends who travelled with young infants and it was fine. There’s just no way to know in advance.
Anonymous
7 week old babies don’t have their shots yet, right? Talk to your doctor but I’d be reluctant to take an un-vaccinated baby on a plane flight, especially with so many once-extinguished diseases coming back due to the anti-vax movement.
Anonymous
Yep, this.
Anon
Yes don’t do it for this reason. Ask your pediatrician.
anon
I think you’re right that the logistics would be fine. My biggest concern would be flying away from the older child and bringing only the baby. I have 2 kids myself, and have done separate trips with them many times, so in general it’s not a problem. But it’s a little different to do it right after the baby’s born, while the older kid is adjusting and having normal thoughts about his role and the baby’s role in the family. I think it depends a little on the older kid – how old are they, how mature, how accustomed are they to staying at Grandma’s, etc. It could work, but I’d really want to think through the potential emotional impact on the big brother/sister.
Anon
Can you do one or two nights at a spa hotel in town pre-baby even if you don’t have time for a full beach vacation? Child #1 won’t feel left behind for #2 and it will be way more relaxing than anything you’d do with a 7 week old along for the ride.
Anonymous
This.
Diana Barry
+100, I love this idea.
Anonymous
@6 weeks or so I took Baby #2 and 20-month old sibling on a beach trip that was a 5-hour drive (NC/SC). One grandmother in the car with me, additional grandmother at the beach house with aunties. WIN! No time zone changes. Husband had to drive second car with all of the gear — 2 pack & plays, multiple extra P&P sheets, clothes for a million changes, laundry detergent, snacks for older kid.
But a wonderful and lovely trip.
HIRE A PHOTOGRAPHER! Those moments are precious (which is why you need grandparents and other kid with you)
hoola hoopa
Honestly, I do think this is a terrible idea. While 7 week olds are actually pretty good travelers, they aren’t (generally) great for sitting out in sand and sun for a day and relaxing (which is, I assume, your ultimate goal), but mostly, I’m very not fond of the idea of leaving the older child so that you can go on vacation with your younger child. (I’m a mom of three, btw).
INSTEAD: (A) Go away now, even if only for one night and local. Have older child stay with grandparents as a “practice” for when you are in the hospital after birth. (B) When baby is 7 wks old, go on a trip that includes your younger child. Bring grandparents for extra hands/eyes.
SC
As described, it doesn’t sound like a great idea. Could you find a condo or house to rent within driving distance, and invite a family member to come with you to help with both children?
We took my son on a beach vacation when he was 11 weeks old (and he was born a month early, so in terms of eating and sleep schedule, etc., he seemed a little younger). It was a wonderful, relaxing vacation. We drove to a family member’s beach condo that was about 4 hours away, so we packed all the gear up in the car. We had a grandmother, aunt, and cousin at the condo to help (and babysit one night while we went out on a date). We only took the baby out in the sun for a couple of minutes to take pictures, but the condo had a beautiful view and a shady balcony. My husband, who prefers the balcony to the beach anyways, let me go lay out in the sun while the baby napped and texted me when he woke up so I could nurse. The 4-hour car trip was fine. We stopped a couple of times so I could nurse in the car, but other than that, baby mostly slept.
Vacation with baby?
Thanks for the responses! Unfortunately, a spa weekend pre-baby won’t work for childcare reasons (grandparents aren’t available pre-baby), work, and I’m trying to soak up as much time as I can with my first by himself. I appreciate the warnings about baby’s health. We would only take the vacation after vaccinations (which are at 6 weeks) and clearance from the pediatrician.
I hadn’t thought about hurting my first’s feelings or the optics of just taking the newborn. My first would be 23-months old when we take the vacation. He would be thrilled to stay with grandparents and get all of their attention. That said, maybe there is more to it than just that. His world is going to be rocked when this new one comes home. How to handle that transition is a totally different question. The beach vacation is slowly drifting away…
Legally Brunette
My kids are similarly spaced out and my older one definitely would have been hurt if I had gone on vacation with the baby sans him. Also, my 23 month old was totally in love with the baby and having them both on vacation together would have been so awesome, from a bonding perspective.
Pesh
Don’t tell your older child that you’re going on vacation. Tell him he is *so lucky* because he’s getting to spend an entire week with Grandma & Grandpa!! They are going to have *so much fun*!! Don’t mention what you’ll be doing, he won’t care.
Spirograph
My kids are similarly spaced, too, and when baby was around 2-3 months old was a rough patch for the older one. He loved the baby, but he was starting to act out in frustration a lot because of the baby getting parents’ attention and him not being quite verbal enough to express his feelings more appropriately. So, while I stand by my previous comment that solo grandparent time is awesome, I’ll caveat it with: maybe not at that age with that age of new sibling.
If grandparents are up for it, the suggestion to all rent a house together somewhere a short-ish drive away sounds like a great one. You and your husband will still be able to get away to enjoy time together alone because grandparents will be there to babysit, but the whole-family experience will prevent any hurt feelings for the older kid and probably make for some great memories.
Anon
Question for ladies of mammogram age: Did you have to have two the first time? I just had my first one and the dr. emailed within hours to say I have to come back because one side is dense. They said I should plan for it to take 2-3 hours just to have the one side done again.
I’m really anxious about it because 2 friends have BC right now, I am losing my job (and will lose my insurance through that employer) if I don’t get another by fall, and am just feeling really worried. Of course I can’t have it redone for two more days, either, so I know I need to stay calm but am really stressing.
Anonymous
As far as I know, dense breast tissue is fairly common and does not necessarily mean anything with regard to breast cancer. My mom can never have just one mammogram for that same reason. Good luck with your follow-up and I hope it all goes well!
Cat
Not me personally, but my mom did — her breast tissue is dense and so it was harder than expected to distinguish normal tissue vs. abnormal. Irritating but not necessarily a reason to worry!
Bonnie
I didn’t have two but they made me wait for a long time while they looked at the first and then they had to do an ultrasound. Apparently that’s pretty normal with dense tissue. Best of luck to you.
Anonny
Family of dense breast tissue, here. Sisters and I cut right to ultrasounds because of this + history of BC in my mom. Look at it this way: they’re being diligent and checking twice! Now you know this is an issue and you can anticipate it going forward.
Anon
You ladies are seriously the best. Thank you. The radiologist and doctor said it was normal to have to have it redone but somehow people who wear white coats can’t possibly be as trusted as strangers on the internet, right? :)
I have a younger sister and will warn her about this as well. (Though calling her and saying, “hey, my b@@bie is dense!” seems like a bizarre conversation. Maybe a text?) And it’s helpful to know an ultrasound is a possibility — now I am less likely to completely lose my mind if they suggest that. :)
Thank you!
anon
Yep. My doctor, in fact, just started sending me to ultrasounds because she didn’t think it made sense for me to have to go back twice every year. See if yours will do the same. (Although, after about 10 years, I was no longer so dense and don’t need the ultrasound)
Susan
Totally common, especially if it’s your first one – they want to make sure they have a really good baseline. This happened to me my first time and when they called me back, they just said, “Oh, we just want a few more.” Then halfway through, the tech said, “Do you want to see why they called you back?” And that was my first inkling that they had found something and I spent the rest of the appointment panicking (thinking about the women I know with bc and what would happen to my daughter if I died and why didn’t I ask my husband to come and keep me company and oh god, I’ve got cancer. This was also after I had just gotten an abnormal pap result, too.) And then they had to keep taking more pictures and finally, an ultrasound and then they were like, “Oh, you’re fine! Just dense tissue.” So I dried my tears and went home and drank a bottle of wine to my good health.
So, don’t be like me and panic for no reason! But two things to note:
1) My OB-GYN told me to schedule my mammograms during my period because your breast tissue is less dense. Note, this goes against a lot of advice you’ll find online saying that your breasts are often more tender during this time so it can be more uncomfortable, so …
2) My 2nd round of mammograms + ultrasound were coded as “diagnostic” instead of “preventative” and my (crappy) insurance did not cover them. I went around and around with my doctor, the lab and the insurance company and ended up paying over $2k out of pocket.
Anonymous
Re #2, that SUCKS and makes me so mad on your behalf.
Anonny
They do this for colonoscopys, too. It’s preventative and covered until they find something mid exam and it suddenly becomes “diagnostic” and you get billed out the wazoo because they do a biopsy on the spot.
Anonymous
Somehow the fact that they do this for other medical procedures, including things like colonscopy that affect more men than women, is actually comforting to me. I thought this was another example of how America screws over women’s health.
anon8
Yes, make sure it is coded as preventative! My husband had the same issue with a colonoscopy and we ended paying around 2K after numerous phone call. Surprisingly the insurance company was incredibly helpful and told us what codes to use. The doctor’s office manager and hospital wouldn’t budge.
Anon
EEK! I think it is coded as diagnostic in the doctor’s orders! I will get to work on this. Thank you!
Anon
The downward spiral you were doing in your head is exactly what was going through mine!
Anon
Yes, happened to me, turned out fine. Pretty common I think- but yes its an anxious few days.
Anonymous
Is dense the same as fibrous? I’m not at mammogram age yet but my OBGYN always comments on how fibrous mine are during my annual exam. I can see why you’re nervous but I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about. But in any event you should get health insurance before the COBRA option on your current insurance expires. I think the ACA did away with a lot of pre-existing condition concerns but it’s never a good idea to be uninsured.
Anon
One of my good friends has “extremely” dense breasts and has been called back just about every year since her first mammo.
She talked to a friend’s husband who is a breast surgeon and he said “the good news is you’ll never be saggy!” Of course, the bad news is the hassle and worry of a callback every year.
Anon
I just laughed out loud — a silver lining! Thank you!
ORD
This happens to me every time. Multiple mammograms, ultrasound, and then they say I just have dense breasts and come back next time. Also this year they started mailing letters to women with dense breasts for some reason — some law or insurance requirement? That was a little strange to receive in the mail. It felt like CYA, because what am I supposed to do with that kind of letter?
Anon
I think that it’s a new law in CA. To make sure women are fully informed that dense tissue makes it harder to read, so possibly less accurate. There was a lawsuit about this that I think led to the law.
Anon
Oh my gosh — I will fall over laughing. When I think “dense” I think “stupid” so if they send me a letter saying my breasts are dense, I will have to resist the urge to frame it next to my fancy degrees.
Anonymous
I read that ultrasound is better than mammogram for dense breast tissue. And it’s totally normal to redo for this reason, so don’t stress.
Anonnomnom
Does anyone have any experience dealing with not feeling needed in a particular way in a relationship? My SO and I have realised we have somewhat incompatible needs when it comes to being upset/sad/stressed etc. While I tend to lean heavily on him for support (which he 100% gives me) and in doing so, makes me feel better; he tends to retreat and any attempts at comforting him or helping are flat-out rejected, sometimes in not the nicest way. It’s difficult for me to understand his point of view, and admit that in the past, I let it get to me.
Since then, he has agreed to let me know if he feels upset, so that I know that him being emotionally distant isn’t personal, and I have agreed to not let it get to me. But lately, I’m starting to feel a bit sad about the realisation that I’m always the “needy”one in the relationship simply because I rely on his support, but never get to reciprocate when he is feeling down. I feel like he’s the giver and I’m the taker. And I’m not really sure I’m comfortable with that dynamic, but am also unsure as to how we can compromise in this regard.
Is the solution for me to stop relying on him for emotional support so that I also need him less in this regard? Or is that just setting me up for resentment? Or am I overthinking this? I guess any suggestions or commiserations would be appreciated..
Anonymous
If I were in your husband’s shoes (which is where I would likely be) and you said “I need you to console me and I also need you to let me console you rather than leaving you alone as you have asked, because it is what I need,” I would be very frustrated and it is the second part that would make the relationship feel unbalanced.
Anon
I think it can be good that you two are kind of matched in this way (you need his support and he gives it), but maybe you can figure out what would make him feel supported when he needs it. Clearly it is not to be comforted, but would he appreciate you making him his favorite meal, stopping and getting his favorite beer? I don’t know. But it seems like maybe he doesn’t want to be comforted in the way you default to, but maybe there is another way to show you care that he would appreciate. My husband loves it when I make him coffee in the morning. When he is mad he doesn’t want to talk about what is upsetting him. It just makes him feel like he is dwelling on it. He would rather fix the problem or stew for a little bit and then move on, haha. Whereas I want to dissect every detail. We have learned to balance this difference. So I make him coffee and he knows that I am trying to be supportive.
Anonymous
Reframe your thinking. When you are upset your husband supports you be being available and present. When your husband is upset you support him by giving him space. They’re just different kinds of support- neither is more or less needy, neither is more or less deserving.
Senior Attorney
Yes, this.
APC
Also understand that him needing more hands-on support from you may still come in time. I think men are more used to having to be stoic (‘man up’) and not giving in to feelings, but at some point, something may upset him deep enough, or he may finally let you in enough that he will need you in a more hands-on way. In all reality, you could be married for years before this happens. So just do as people here are saying and understand that right now what he needs is space.
Meredith
I hate talking about my feelings until I have them all processed (and then sometimes the person I choose to talk to will be the person who respects my ‘I’m sharing this information so you know why I have been distant but do not want to discuss it unless I bring it up’ boundaries, not necessarily my gorgeous over-analytic closest circle). However I’m really poor at identifying/managing physical pain. So attempts by my SO to talk out my feelings get shutdown pretty quick but questions like ‘do you have a headache? Why don’t you go lay down and I’ll bring you some water? Do you need to eat?’ Make me feel so supported. So don’t discount the other support you provide but also acknowledge a respectful relationship respects each person’s boundaries (no matter how silly they may seem)
Anon
Have you read the 5 Love Languages? You need support in this particular way, your husband just needs support in a different way – you just have to figure out what it is. It’s not that you’re needier than he is – they’re just different needs.
I felt this way because I NEED touch like I need oxygen. I felt so ridiculous and “girly” and was really beating myself up for wanting something “insignificant” like for him to hold my hand. I told myself to toughen up and get over it, but that made things so much worse for me, because he’s not touchy at all, so if I didn’t touch him, I never got any touch! But then I explained it to him, and he explained his needs to me (which are not touch), and all is well :)
lawsuited
Remember that there are many different types of emotional labour and support. My husband doesn’t often need to talk through his feelings with me, but he appreciates when I remember his family’s birthdays or call his mom to check in on her or arrange dinner with friends or carve out time for him to go to a hobby convention.
Everyone has different emotional needs. You’re likely already fulfilling your boyfriend’s, so don’t bang your head against a wall trying to exist emotional needs that don’t exist. You’re already doing fine. Fair isn’t that everyone gets the same, fair is that everyone gets what they need.
AIMS
For department store jewelry, my favorite, quality wise, is Lord & Taylor. I’m not a huge fan of Macy’s – have gotten some stuff as gifts there and the diamonds and gemstones just don’t sparkle as much as I feel they should. Stuff I have from L&T is on the same level as stuff I’ve gotten from any nice jewelry store. Back when it existed as more than just a patio furniture emporium, my mom used to get me jewelry from Fortunoff and their stuff was really lovely. It became a bit of a tradition with her for birthdays and graduations. I think they still sell fine jewelry online but not sure about quality now.
NYNY
Isn’t there some connection between L&T and Fortunoff? I could have sworn that L&T jewelry was actually Fortunoff, but maybe I made that up?
AIMS
That would certainly make sense!
2 Cents
Fortunoff does sell online and it’s run by the granddaughter of the original Fortunoff’s. I’ve met her and she seems very serious about the jewelry she sells!
Simsi
I’m shopping for a 50th birthday present for my mother and need some assistance. I unfortunately can’t be with her for her birthday, and it’s too late to plan a big party. I also don’t have access to old pictures and her friends would not be able to keep a secret if I asked them to send me anything. I’m thinking a birthstone necklace to mark the occasion? (1) any suggestions for reputable online fine jewelry stores (I’ve already checked out BlueNile)? (2) any other suggestions (trying to keep it around $300)?
AIMS
What about something for you both to do at a later time? Opera/concert tickets, spa day, weekend trip?
You could still send her the item but not actually need to be there on birthday for it.
Anon
I admit it shocked me a little to read this and be a year older than your mom! If you have a good relationship with your mom, why don’t you treat her to a girls trip for you two? Go somewhere with a spa to keep you both occupied, or a place where you two can hike if she’s into that, or go wine tasting.
I adore my teenaged daughter and can’t imagine her being so far away that I couldn’t be with her on my big birthday. This kind of gesture would make me feel better.
Anonymous
I got my mom a ring with her, my dad’s and my birthstones for a milestone birthday. She loved it and wears it every day.
brokentoe
Send her some gorgeous flowers and do a spa day with her when you can see her next. Experiences and time spent making a good memory with her will please her more than a piece of jewelry.
TO Lawyer
I find that as my mom gets older, she prefers experiential gifts because then it’s an opportunity for us to hang out and spend some time together which doesn’t really happen since we live in different cities. For my mom’s last milestone birthday, my sister and I took her to the spa and she loved that.
tesyaa
I’m turning 50 and I SO do not want a big family lunch like we did for my own parents’ 50th anniversary and 75th birthdays etc. But when I said I would rather go to (for example) a Springsteen concert, my son in law chuckled about my typical midlife crisis. FWIW I still have youngish kids and I don’t feel the least bit old. Make of it what you will.
Anonymous
What? If that’s a midlife crisis I guess this 40 year old better skip the weekend long metal festival she was planning on going to. Lol, tell your son to get off your lawn!
Anonymous
I run a small business in a male dominated field. It has been pointed out to me that I don’t employ any women in high skill roles and that I’m not making much of an effort to recruit any.
Any thoughts from those of you with small businesses on hiring women?
Anonymous
Network! Join a local professional women’s organization and meet other women. Join the chamber of commerce or junior league or humane society. Anything that will get you out there meeting more women. Male dominated fields typically have women’s organizations with the goal of improving the presence of women in that field. Seek them out. The more women you meet the more feedback you can get about how to attract women to your business and the more likely you are to find the right candidates for your company.
Pita
This reference is way out-of-date, but the first thought I had was of Mitt Romney’s “binders full of women” to consider hiring.
ORD
Not from a small business, but I hope you can do it. Different perspectives can help the bottom line. Half of the population is women — maybe there is an angle to the business you are missing by not having women in the higher skill roles.
Anonymous
One option is to find opportunities for women early in their work lives so they have more support and options as they develop – I work for a non-profit which I know is different but it’s still overwhelmingly make dominated in managerial roles so I work at finding and supporting young women in high school and undergrad – this builds a very easy mentoring relationship because you will already understand their goals and communication styles when it gets to the higher education/more competitive jobs and honestly it makes supporting young women easier and more time/cost efficient for me. The vast majority (9 of 10 on average) go on to higher education they weren’t previously planning on or jobs in larger markets where they have more competition and ultimately influence. I’m proud to be one of many women building an informal network of support like this because I can see that it creates a strong foundation for the women themselves and seeing my success with it has opened up my colleagues to being more open with non traditional candidates and I can also see that it’s created more awareness with men my age (30s) as well as the older generation at my office and they are more cognizant of the things that might derail a young person in a profession that isn’t traditionally theirs (in this case I’m seeing the openness expand beyond just privileged white women and onto new immigrants of all races and genders etc)
anon
I’m getting married this summer and my fiancé and I are starting to figure out how to combine finances. We’re both pro “all in one pot.” We plan to have a joint savings and a joint credit card for all expenses (pay off monthly – just for points). We’ll still retain separate checking accounts for our own “fun money” etc, and split the cc bill each month from those accounts. Does this seem like a smart/typical approach?
The only money issue we have seems really silly but is actually a point of relative contention. He is 12 years older than me pays All Bills manually by paper. Literally sits down, writes checks, puts them in envelopes, and mails them out. He’s a bit of a luddite just generally, and doesn’t trust online banking. He doesn’t even have online accounts to access his statements!
On the other end of the spectrum, I actually work for a bank doing cybersecurity. I understand the risks of e-banking very well, but feel the benefits outweigh them. All of my bills and recurring expenses are on auto-pay. I love not thinking about them and the reassurance that they’ll always be on time. It’s a huge reducer of stress for me. Meanwhile, I do always review (online versions of) all of my bills and expenses just to keep an eye on everything. I use various banking and budgeting apps – and have literally designed some of them.
Fiancé won’t budge on his approach, even when I offered to set everything up. Meanwhile, I think sitting down multiple times a month to pay everything – gas, water, electricity, mortgage, cable, student loans, credit cards, etc etc – is a ridiculous waste of time. And paper!
We usually agree on everything and are great compromisers. This seems like such a silly issue. Do you guys have any solutions or ideas? Curious as to your opinions on electronic vs paper bill paying. I guess we could split up the bills and each handle our portion in our own way – but that seems so unnecessarily complicated. Should I just give up and let him do it his way? It feels weirdly embarrassing to me to work in financial technology but then not utilize the products I am creating.
Maddie Ross
I am not super tech savvy, though I do have online access to all my credit card accounts, mortgage account, and bank accounts. That said, I pay all of our bills in paper. Yes, it may waste a bit of paper. And yes, I pay for stamps, but there is something very routine about doing it this way and I can respect your fiancés thought process here. The automation of it all takes a bit of the rigor out of it – I keep better track of my money by paying my bills this way in all honesty. (I do have automatic deductions to savings from my account to my savings account for just the opposite reason – so I don’t know and can’t feel it.)
Anon
I like the idea of respecting his way of doing things. I don’t think this is an either/or; I think it’s an and. He can take the gas, cable, and mortgage and pay those by paper; you can set up auto pay for cell phones, SLs, and CCs.
Anonymous
Generally, my husband and I divide tasks and don’t criticize the way the other person handles. For example, I pay rent and utilities and he handles the credit card & non-recurring expenses. If he wanted to pay those bills by paper, I’d let him.
In terms of sitting down multiple times a month – you can generally change the due dates of your bills if you call and ask. We have it set up so that our bills are due on the same day of the month, so all of our auto withdrawals happen on the same day. At least that would mean you would be sitting down once a month to pay everything, rather than multiple times.
Anon
No advice but random anecdata- in two neighborhoods where we’ve lived, people stole outgoing checks from mail left in the mailbox for carrier pick up, erased the info and forged new check info against the account. So paper isnt 100% safe either!
Anonymous
Yes, this happened to me at my old apartment building. The rent checks were put in a box with a small slit but the thief used a coat hanger to get them out, opened a bank account in my apartment building’s name and deposited all the checks. We had to close all our accounts, open new ones, change all our autopays, spend hours on the phone with police and federal authorities, etc. It was a nightmare and I will only pay online now.
anon8
I pay all bills online if possible, but there are some where a check needs to be mailed. For those, I’ll drop them off at the post office on the way to work. They have “drive thru” outdoor boxes. I never leave checks in the mailbox outside my house.
Crime
I am a prosecutor and work a lot of cases like this. There are entire departments devoted to prosecuting mail theft (which is almost always for the purpose of stealing checks and then washing them for reuse). We refer to the red mailbox flag as the “steal me” flag. I now pay everything online.
Anonymous
This seems like a fine approach but isn’t what I’d call “one pot.” One Pot is that all money is joint and there is no separate “fun money.” That’s what my husband and I do – all credit cards are joint, all bank accounts are joint, all real estate is in both names, etc.
JP
Credit card bills, in my opinion, make the most sense to pay out of the common fund since it represents nearly all your spending over the course of the month that’s not bills or other fixed expenses. We are a “one pot” family but we both kept our original checking accounts and an associated debit card from before we got married with a few thousand dollars in there, in the unlikely event (which has never happened) that one of us wants to buy something that the other one thinks is a total waste of money. But clothes, etc, come out of the common fund, even if they are technically used by only one person.
NYtoCO
Yes, I disagree that what you’re describing is “one-pot.” I assume you’re making the majority of your purchases on your credit card, and since you’re splitting the payment for that from each of your checking accounts, your finances are technically mostly separate.
We do the opposite– our main checking, into which all of our paychecks go, and from which all credit card/rent/utilities payments come out, is joint. The main credit card we use is actually under my name, with him as an authorized user, because I had it from before we got married and it has the best rewards. He also has and uses his own credit cards. But as far as I’m concerned, since we pay them off fully every month from the joint checking, our finances are combined.
Cat
I’m not sure how you’ll manage splitting the cc bill from your own “fun money” accounts — do you mean you’ll go line by line to determine what subtotal was each your own individual spending, vs “joint fun” like dinners out?
Paper bill paying doesn’t bother me — that’s how I do it if the “convenience fee” (what BS!) charged for online payment processing exceeds the cost of a stamp. As long as the bills are organized and getting paid timely, I don’t see the issue.
Anonymous
Convenience fees are almost always for paying by credit card. You should be able to pay from a bank account online with no fee.
Cat
Almost always true. Shout out to the Philadelphia Water Dept for charging 35 cents to pay online from your bank account.
Anonymous
UGH! Still less than a stamp though.
Anonymous
The bills I had before we got married get paid electronically by direct pay and the bills he had before we got married he still writes the checks for. Everything comes out of out joint bank account and joint credit card. I don’t care how he pays the bills as long as they get paid.
Wildkitten
But… does one of you want to do this? I love paying bills. (I am weird). I love seeing the bill pay come off the checking account and checking it off my bill pay list. BF pays the bills because he has to to stop from being evicted and keeping the lights on. I think both of you should have eyeballs on the finances so nobody gets screwed. But, if we marry and combine finances I will do the bill pay. I love this bill pay chart: http://www.myfrugalhome.com/printables/bill-pay-checklist.pdf?925abc
If the method of paying bills is a source of strife, maybe you could have one of you take care of it completely?
Anonymous
Hi, fellow cybersecurity person!
I am like you. Everything is autopay, but I review my bills and accounts frequently and have e-mail alerts to tell me when payments are scheduled. We actually have a separate e-mail account my husband and I both use to register for payment accounts, which autoforwards to both of our personal e-mail accounts.
I don’t see a compromise here except to have online access to view the accounts, but let him pay by paper. As long as he has no history of late or forgotten payments, if he wants to waste his time and buy a million stamps, that’s his call, but you will still be able to keep tabs on your finances. I would be uncomfortable with the 100% paper approach just because it makes it more difficult for both parties to be equally aware. Security-wise, your bank, utilities, and other service providers probably have all of your information stored electronically, whether he’s accessing it via the Internet or not.
Io
I’m like your fiancé, not because I’m a Luddite, but because seeing and reviewing a paper bill feels more viseral to me. I register the spending in a way I don’t online.
I then put the paid bills in a big post box for security reasons.
B
My husband and I were similar to you and your fiancé. We were both pro-“one pot” and wanted to keep individual accounts for “fun” purchases and gifts. I think that is a pretty common approach. Once we were married for a few months though, we found that the separate accounts were not really necessary and pretty under-utilized so we consolidated and only have one checking now. We find plenty of ways to hide gift purchases and consult each other if any “fun” purchases are particularly expensive. I know some couples have a pre-defined price threshold for when they consult each other; we are comfortable with a more nebulous “this seems expensive” judgement.
As far as the paper v. automatic/electronic payments, I would say to go with the preference of whoever will be the “maintenance” person. In my marriage, I take the role of setting up the systems, deciding on investment allocations, and planning long-term goals but my husband handles the daily mundane bill payments. It’s not how we thought we would handle finances, but it’s just how it shook out and we both like it. Since he pays the bills, I let him do it how he wants. Granted, he makes online payments instead of paper, but he won’t set up any automatic withdrawals, which sort of drives me crazy. As long as he’s not late on payments, though, I let him do it his way since he is the one doing it after all. Depending on who pays the bills (or how you split paying them), I would let the person doing it choose. As far as security, I’m of the attitude that nothing is a 100% secure. Sort of a fatalist.
Car Question
I was out of town for 10 days and my 13 year old trusty Honda stopped and wouldn’t start when I came back. I have another car, so I haven’t needed it. It’s now been a month. What’s the best/cheapest way to get it going again?
(Other than me jacking the car, because I’m not good at that stuff and am super busy with work right now.)
How much should I expect it to cost?
– If I renew my expired AAA membership do they do it for free?
– If I call a nearby Honda dealer will they find a way to come and do it at my place (just a couple miles away)?
– Any other resources? Like TaskRabbit or something?
I’m thinking of having a family member drive it for short trips. Long term, I haven’t decided what to do with the car except as a “backup car”, but I’m planning to sell it eventually (it’s generally been a reliable car otherwise).
Thanks!
Anonymous
Have you tried jumping it? It may just been a sluggish battery from sitting idle a little while.
Senior Attorney
Yes, if you renew your AAA membership they will come out and jump-start it. They also have a battery service and if you need a new battery they will install it on the spot for a decent price.
Anonymous
Yes, AAA will do it for free. Not sure about a dealership but I doubt it. Unless you left the headlights on or something it’s more likely that the starter tied than that it needs a new battery. AAA should be able to get it going long enough for you to drive it to a dealership. They’ll also give you a free tow if they can’t start it for some reason.
Anonymous
AAA doesn’t like people who call and then need a tow right away (as in, broken down on the side of the road). But they still tow you, IIRC (relative works for AAA). So call and renew and then a day or two later when you have time to have them meet you there to tow it, they won’t care.
Anonymous
Isn’t calling when you break down on the side of the road the entire point of AAA? I have used that service several times and they’ve never seem irritated at all.
Senior Attorney
Yeah, I disagree with this, too. I have called and they’ve told me “your membership has expired but if you’ll renew over the phone right now we’ll send somebody right out.”
2 Cents
I used a service through Goodyear Tire’s site. The people came like 30 minutes after I called and towed me to the nearest Goodyear. I *think* I could have had them tow me elsewhere, but the GY was the closest place for me anyway.
Anon
Check your credit cards. Some of them have roadside assistance included. It might cost some extra money but, depending on the card, may still be cheaper than AAA.
Also, check your car insurance. I have caught my insurance company trying to sneak in roadside assistance into my premiums. Some insurance automatically include it. So you might already be enrolled and just not know it.
OP - Car Question
Thanks so much, y’all ! Such a relief!
lost academic
Yeah, you might have just killed your battery. When was the last time you replaced it? They might be able to jump it off but if you’re over 4 years I’d say that’s a good bet. Ask a neighbor to help you jump it if you’re uncomfortable doing it yourself – if you don’t have your own cables, most people do (and it’s a good time to invest!) . Then remember to drive it around for at least 20 minutes before turning it off.
If you’re going to keep it, I would make sure you use it weekly. Cars don’t like sitting around like that.
Danielle1313
Hi all,
Thoughts on double earlobe piercings in semi-conservative work spaces? i.e. where a suit is fine, but so is sheath dress, blazer, flats, or similar. Many of my younger female law school professors have double ear lobe piercings, which they usually wear with delicate/chaste posts or studs, along with their suited-up professional wear. To my young professional gaze it looks very put-together and tasteful, but I’d love your thoughts on how this lands in semi-conservative law office spaces (not BigLaw, but public international law, in case that helps).
Senior Attorney
I had that kind of double piercings, like, close to 30 years ago in BigLaw in So Cal and it was fine. I can’t imagine it being an issue anywhere in this day and age.