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Updated: Apr 1, 2021 299 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Eyelet Top

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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I love eyelet fabric for adding a little texture to an outfit. This blouse from Banana Republic is a perfect piece for work or weekends this spring.

For an in-office look, I would wear it untucked over a pair of black ankle pants with a bright blazer. For weekends, it would look great with a pair of olive green pants and gold jewelry.

If your closet already has enough crisp white tops, it also comes in black and a really pretty “ruby rose” color (lucky sizes only).

The blouse is $84.50 full price and comes in regular sizes XXS–XXL and tall sizes S–XL. Right now you can get 40% off your purchase (no code needed), which brings this down to $50.70.

Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. The Original ...

    In mid-2020, I published something which I knew wouldn’t likely earn money unto itself but the hope was that it would result in speaking jobs related to it. Covid intervened and that hasn’t happened yet. However, I found out today that a man has been using my publication as the foundation of his talks for the past months and he’s had several (with more coming up), which he has been paid well for. I reached out to the organization who basically said they like him fine and, though I am more qualified in experience and the author, they’re sticking with him and will reach out if they need me in the future and they hope I’m glad for the added publicity via his events.

    I want to be proud about it and glad anyone is spreading the word of my work, but I feel really upset that someone else is profiting off my work (and doing so before I’ve ever gotten to). I know he hasn’t technically done anything wrong, but it still feels like a faceslap gutpunch.

    • anne-on

      Wait, is he crediting you in his talks?!? If not, I think you absolutely have grounds for a cease and desist. I would ALSO be sure that if HE is not, that the organization is making sure you are credited in the materials they may have distributed to event attendees.
      I think this would be prime call him (and the organization) out publicly territory – are you going to lose more nothing? I guarantee you that men do not face this level of just ‘be happy for the publicity’ nonsense.

      • The Original ...

        The talk shows my work and the audience gets a copy as part of their attendance fee (which the organization is buying from the publisher at bulk discount). It means more people know about my work and have a copy, which is great and my goal, it just feels odd that he never reached out nor that the organization reached out. (According to the organization, they typically have speakers with publications who then include their own in the package of attending for the event plus a copy of the publication. They picked this guy, who had nothing, so he chose my work to use.)

        I feel selfish and ego-driven since the work should be prioritized on its own merits but it feels like a lot of feelings right now.

        • Anon

          I would be curious how he was able to get this gig during Covid and you were not

          • Anonymous

            Most likely because he has more experience as a speaker/is a known quantity. Unless he is actually using the presentation she would use or including photos from within the work , I don’t think there’s much here. People are allowed to present a theory or someone’s view and have their own discussions about it. Also, if she wants to shut this down, she should be going to the speaker and not the organization booking him. All that will do is likely blackball them both (organizations don’t want any of the drama). If her end goal is to get more speaking gigs it ‘s going to be far more productive if she focuses on promoting herself more with these organizations and others. (Have you reached out to any speaker’s bureaus? They’ll get word on the street for booking a lot better. Perhaps talk with your book publisher on recommendations. If he is using someone, find out if you can get in with them. You’ll have better luck getting booked in priority over him if you compete there. Again though, I’d focus on promoting you and not tearing down him since people want to work with those who aren’t going to create controversy.)

        • No Face

          It says so much that you feel selfish and ego-driven for wanting credit and payment for your OWN WORK, and this guy has no problem whatsoever profiting from your labor.

          EFF that guy and EFF that organization. I am pissed on your behalf. I would talk to a lawyer with experience dealing intellectual property in your field and send a cease-and-desist letter to that guy at a minimum. I would write a kinder letter to the orgs where he has upcoming talks to say that you would be happy to present your own work, but do not want another speaker to rely on your work for their own talks.

          • Anon

            Yeah, this. Sic ’em, OP. Standing up for yourself here is not greedy, selfish, or entitled. This dude is completely out of bounds.

          • anne-on

            THIS. I’m not a lawyer but seriously, you’re past the ‘ask nicely’ stage. Get a lawyer, send them a cease and desist and then either you or the lawyer should reach out to other places he is booked to let them know that he does NOT have permission to use your work and materials. This is not ok and I would be furious in your place.

          • Anon

            Agree – this is infuriating. And the chance that this would have happened with a woman presenting a man’s published work are 0.00%.

    • Cb

      That is so, so strange. I’d want to attend one of his talks incognito/have a friend do it and see what he’s saying. If he is using your framework and not attributing it, that’s super suspect.

    • Anon.

      What? Is this man’s presentation showing YOUR work that YOU published, and he presents nothing that he authored/created himself? Does he essentially speak on your behalf???
      I’d speak to the organization who hosts him and also to a copyright/IP lawyer asap. This situation strikes me as highly unusual, especially if he gets paid!

      • Anonymous

        This. At a minimum you should be getting some kind of copyright fee it sounds like.

    • Anonymous

      Is this some sort of workbook, how-to book, or self-help framework? I think teaching a class or workshop with your materials as the “textbook” and proper attribution is different from a TED talk-type presentation.

      • The Original ...

        My work is a book itself and he is promoting his talks as being based around my book, so much so that, along with the admission fee, attendees receive a copy of my book. My book cover is next to his headshot on the flyer (though my name is too small to be legible in the image). Based on the flyer, his whole talk is presenting my work or expounding on my work. He got the gigs by previously knowing the organization and because apparently he has no issue giving in-person work during covid and may have more income to market himself than I do (perhaps he is using the money he makes presenting my work as his marketing budget or perhaps I am just snarky, not sure).

        I guess there’s probably not a legal ramification since I suppose anyone can read a book and present on it if people will show up, but his never approaching me and the organization never approaching me, though they have put on some and have more booked is just odd to me. I reached out to the organization to let them know I do this work (in a friendly tone, even saying that, had I known, I would have signed the books). They brushed me off and seemed to think I should just be glad for the exposure. My publisher knew about this as they bought 200+ copies of the book but somehow no one thought to talk to me about it. (I’ve gone with another publisher for future books for many reasons, this is just another.)

        I just feel ripped off intellectually and financially and from a “it should have been me” place and a “…but I earned this” place. The fact that it’s a man feels worse somehow. If I had the funds for marketing or a PR person or any of that, I’d have had one by now, but this sort of thing is what holds me back from affording it. Giant sigh.

        PS This is triggering what I am now realizing feels similar to being taken advantage of by a narcissistic parent when I was a kid as it’s making me feel really small. That is making me feel really sad right now and hearing y’all get angry for me is really helping, thank you thank you.

        • No Face

          Take this as a sign that your book is awesome, your work is awesome, you are awesome and it is time for you to start aggressively marketing yourself as a speaker. I’ve never published a book so I have absolutely no idea what that looks like, but maybe some other ladies here have tips.

          • The Original ...

            Please come sit on my shoulder and keep whispering that in my ear all day? You’re right, aggressive marketing would be the way to go, if I could afford it. My original plan fell apart due to covid and then my plan became using speaking money to invest in marketing over and over so this feels like theft of that opportunity too. I just feel so robbed even though it seems he hasn’t done anything illegal or arguably unethical.

            As someone childfree who spent decades earning the experience to write this first book, it feels like I spent 30 years working up to having a baby and he came over and took my child for their first haircut, first trip to Disney, first taste of my favorite foods, etc. (If this doesn’t exactly translate for those with actual kids, my apologies, it’s just what it feels like to me as it’s all the milestones I’d dreamed of being taken by someone.)

          • No Face

            Again, I know nothing about book marketing, but can you start emailing the organizers of conferences to get on their radar? Join a speakers bureau?

          • Anon

            You seem really down on your marketing. There have been a few episodes of the So Money podcast where the host Farnoosh talks about how she built up her speaking business. Her tips could help you build yourself out and block out this guy, who is taking advantage of you.

        • Anon

          “I guess there’s probably not a legal ramification since I suppose anyone can read a book and present on it if people will show up,”

          Copyright encompasses derivative works, and seminars based on the book are likely a derivative work. I would find an IP attorney and let the other guy’s attorney make that argument; don’t do it for them.

        • anne-on

          I mean, if you are ready to ‘burn it all down’, you could pretty easily (yay twitter) reach out to a local paper/news station to discuss how you (the AUTHOR of the book) were passed over to speak on your own work in favor of a male speaker. This is TERRIBLE optics only knowing both your genders (I would say it gets even worse if he is white and you are not) and if the organization did any sort of international women’s day posts or ‘we support women!’ posts publicly but then pulls this nonsense I would not be above name and shaming.

          • Anonymous

            I always love the comments on here of “go call the press.” I’ve worked on newspapers local and in large urban markets. This would not be of news value in any way shape or form.

        • brokentoe

          There are reputable speakers’ bureaus who will take a % of the speaking fee to represent you and you are out nothing up front. My friend has been running a national speakers’ business with this format for more than 15 years.

    • Anonymous

      I’m an IP attorney, but I really only practice in patents and trademarks with a cursory knowledge of copyright. I’d talk to an IP attorney versed in copyrights on whether the facts of the situation amount to the other speaker having made an adaptation of your work or some sort of derivative of your work. It is possible it is not, and it is a fair use since they’re obtaining the publication the correct way. But it feels sketchy to base an entire presentation on your work.

    • Anonymous

      It makes me kind of sad that you’re hesitant to fight for your own work! I recommend you get a lawyer.

      • The Original ...

        Lost more than half of my income to covid, lost multiple speaking gigs to this guy, it isn’t hesitation, it’s lack of funds and a bit of fear of starting off my time as an author having to legally fight this guy and a university’s center. sigh. not the type of publicity I wanted at a time when I can’t afford the type of publicity I wanted.

        • January

          All PR is good PR, right? If you have a good cause (check with a lawyer about that), you can probably generate some publicity for yourself. At least start a Twitter war.

        • Anonymous

          I don’t know how it works with IP, but in some subject matter areas lawyers do not charge for the initial consultation. It can’t hurt at least to call up a few attorneys and find out. Maybe your publisher, agent, or speaker’s bureau can point you in the right direction?

        • anne-on

          Wait, he spoke at a university? Oh heck no. This is super easy to fight in the court of public opinion – a tweet to the effect of ‘so university XYZ told me that I wasn’t qualified to speak to my own book, but that man X was…even though my own books were handed out at the event. Care to comment on how you’re undermining women here?”

          • emeralds

            Yeah, this is exactly the kind of situation where Twitter can help you out. @ the university, the department, individual faculty, professional contacts. Maybe consult a lawyer first, but Twitter costs $0.

          • Anonymous

            If OP wants to be hired as a speaker, though, wouldn’t she want some professional advice on strategy to meet her long-term goals before she fires away on Twitter? Twitter is just so risky.

          • Anon

            If it’s a college/university, the various women’s student organizations will support you on social media

        • Anonymous

          Not sure how it works in USA but in Europe you cannot use other people materials for your work (doesnt mind if you are a yoga teacher using a specific technique or a coach or whatever), you have to pay royalties to the original author for using his/her idea or materials. Check with a IP lawyer.
          I copy below organization’s links where I am following talks/webinars about everything, most of them people presenting theirs books/seminars. Would be a free marketing for you:
          https://www.asmallworld.com
          https://www.internations.org
          both are organizing worldwide online presentations with people like you.

    • Anonymous

      I hear your frustration, and I agree with the marketing being the way to go- maybe of competitors of this organization? (That organization got someone talking about my book- you could have ME! The Real Deal, the actual expert). You do get a royalty on the books sold for these talks, though, right?

    • Coach Laura

      The Original… IANAL but getting a few hours of legal advice and perhaps, if they think it’s advisable, sending a letter to a few universities shouldn’t be too expensive and might pay for itself. You might be able to save costs by doing the research on who did what and thereby saving the lawyer from having to do research. Get advice on the use of Twitter or the court of public opinion if they don’t think you have a case.

      Most universities have departments of equity and/or ombuds offices. It would be relatively easy to track down the person at each respective institution. Newspaper columnists are another idea – they act as watchdogs, at least in Seattle where I live. I’ve written to several and have gotten responses. If the lawyer doesn’t think you have a (good) intellectual property case, there are other options.

      Good luck!

    • Anon

      I would NOT blow this up on Twitter or anywhere else. It is not true that any publicity is good publicity.

      Anonymous at 9:34am gives excellent advice and I would follow it.

  2. Anon

    Moving into a rental apartment soon, planning to be there 1-2 years. Is it worth it to paint to bring in color (perhaps a dark turquoise or peacock blue or something) or should I find other ways to bring in color so I don’t have to repaint later? I don’t own much decor and don’t want to buy a lot (since I may not need it when I move so it’d just be sunk cost) but am not sure if it’d be silly to paint and repaint.

    Advice or experiences please!

    • Anonymous

      Try the stick on wallpaper clings instead of paint, if you don’t want to repaint. Lowe’s, Amazon, Home Depot have solids but mostly prints.

      • ANon

        oooh, cool! How are those to apply? Wondering too if it’s more cost effective to pay for painting and repainting than for lots of this. Very cool idea for OP!

    • Shelle

      I always stay in a place for longer than I plan to. I move in thinking “oh I’ll just be here one or two years, why bother to paint” and then inevitably it’s 3 or 4 years later and I’m wishing I just painted it when I moved in :)

      • Anon

        I intended to paint my ugly greige office in…2006. Didn’t get to it yet.

    • CountC

      As someone who has a teal accent wall in her main living space, I say do it! It brings me a lot of joy when I look at it and painting is easy enough that it would be worth it to me even for 1 – 2 years and to have to paint over it.

    • NY CPA

      I wouldn’t. I’ve lived in apartments in 1-2 year stints several times. I have an interesting and colorful duvet cover in my bedroom. My living room has some larger pictures with color, and I have some pillows and blankets with color on my couch. By the time you buy paint + supplies twice plus put in multiple days of painting, I think buying some decor stuff at TJMaxx or similar is worth it. Or you could try the peel-and-stick wallpaper, like others have suggested.

    • The original Scarlett

      I’ve put up temp wallpaper and you have to be careful, if your paint is old under it, it will potentially get thrashed upon removal. My advice for a rental is actually paint it white (many opinions on great white paints, Remodelista has a great roundup) – many apartments have neutral, but not great neutral walls. If you up the game there, you get to live in a fresh place and you can pull color in with your decor. You also don’t have to do anything when you move out.

      • Anonymous

        This can be true even if the paint is new, especially if it has a matte finish. Putting it up sometimes involves taking it off to reposition it and you can damage the paint just doing that. I have this in a small room in a house I own, so no big deal, but I wouldn’t do it in a rental. The damage I did will be harder to repair than just repainting, though for me that is a problem for another day..

    • Allie

      Not worth it – white is in right now anyway. Bring in color through colorful curtains and accent pillows.

  3. Jane

    Best eats in Chicago? I’m (vaccinated) going to be in downtown for work in mid-May, and have flexibility during meal times for three days and it’s my first visit. I’ll also have a whole day (Saturday) free so open to tips on best things to do outside. Hopefully it’ll be Spring weather by then!

    • Anon

      Jealous! I haven’t been to Chicago since COVID so some restaurants may have closed unfortunately, but here are some things I’d recommend:

      In/near the Loop:
      – Cafecito for sandwiches
      – Intelligentsia for awesome coffee
      – Xoco for sandwiches (River North)
      – Chicago Athletic Association – Cindy’s for cocktails, or the library room on the second floor for coffee/tea/drinks
      – Acadia (South Loop) – get dinner at the bar for a budget Michelin star meal
      – London House – rooftop bar with fancy cocktails
      – Beatnik on the River – outdoor dining/bar overlooking the river
      – The River Walk – there are a few restaurants and bars along the river walk, but it’s also a nice place for a stroll if you need a break mid-day or in the evening after work

      Outside the Loop area:
      – The Allis (West Loop) – fancy cocktails and appetizers
      – Gaijin (West Loop) – Japanese restaurant. Try to get a seat in front of the grill so you can watch them assmeble the okonomiyaki
      – Au Cheval (West Loop)
      – Publican (West Loop)
      – Galit (Lincoln Park) – upper end Israeli food

      For Saturday, here are some ideas of outdoor things to do:
      – Architecture boat tour (these are so much fun and a great way to see a lot of the city)
      – Bike the lakefront trail (Chicago has a bike share program you can use, or there are places that rent bikes for the day)
      – Walk around Lincoln Park, with the option to check out the free Lincoln Park Zoo and Lincoln Park Conservatory. Also check out North Pond – from the north end, it has a beautiful view of downtown
      – Visit the River Walk, if you don’t fit it in during one of the work days
      – Visit the 606 elevated trail in Wicker Park (although fyi there’s not a lot of other outdoor stuff to do near it)

      I don’t have specific recommendations, but Chicago has a ton of micro breweries and I bet at least one has set up an outdoor tasting room. That could be another fun option.

      • Anonymous

        Second Intelligentsia and Cindy‘s (the food is good too)!

        In no particular order: Sepia/Proxi, Parlor Pizza, and 5411 Empanadas

        I‘m not usually a museum person, but I really enjoyed the Art Institute last time I went. The section on miniatures is really unique.

        • Hazel

          I moved away from Chicago a couple of years ago and 5411 Empanadas are one of the things I miss the very most.

          Also, Floriole in Lincoln Park is fantastic for French pastries (plus the neighborhood is just gorgeous for strolling around in mid-May). Take the Purple or Brown line to the Armitage stop and then walk up. (And maybe stop by Vosges Chocolate on Armitage on your way up!)

    • NY CPA

      From several months of working in Chicago, my favorite meals were RPM Italian (best meatballs I’ve ever eaten!) and Topolobampo. I also really enjoyed the ramen at Ramen San, especially if its chilly out.

      • Anonymous

        My favorite restaurant in Chicago is the Frontera Grill, the less-fancy sibling of Topolobampo. XOCO, also owned by Rick Bayless, is fantastic for tortas.

    • IL

      Chicago is a city largely organized by restaurant groups:
      – Lettuce Entertain You (https://www.leye.com/restaurants/ ) which runs everything RPM (https://www.rpmrestaurants.com/ )
      – Gibson’s (https://www.grgmc.com/restaurants )
      – Hogsalt (https://www.hogsalt.com/wp-hogsalt/ )
      – Bonhomme (https://www.bonhommegroup.com/portfolio )
      – Boka (https://www.bokagrp.com/ )

      Most of our greatest hits belong to one of these groups, which incidentally helped their member restaurants remain open in greater numbers than the independent establishments. You largely can’t go wrong with anything they’ve done, although some of the Lettuce Entertain You places have slipped in concept or execution.

      I second the recommendations for Cindy’s (which looks to be the only CAA establishment currently open) and Beatnik on the River. Both offer outdoor seating that is better thought out than just tables-on-the-sidewalk. Three other riverfront options are Gibson’s Italia (which is in fact exceptional), RPM on the Water (great location), and the Kitchen (airy and modern feeling, won’t hit your wallet like the other two).

      For lunch, Hannah’s Bretzel is another good option.

      You should scope out the donut scene (https://chicago.eater.com/maps/best-chicago-doughnut-shops ). I miss it dearly.

      And if you feel like deep dish pizza is obligatory (it’s not!) Pequod’s Pizza on North Clybourn is the clear right choice. Lou Malnati’s has more downtown locations and will get you the experience, but it’s just not in the same league. The other visitor mainstay is a Chicago hot dog, but I don’t have good recommendations for that.

      • Curious

        Thank you. I was just coming here to mention donuts.

        And if you can get north, Spacca Napoli is glorious.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t have Chicago suggestions but this thread is reminding me how much I miss wandering around cities, including my own, on random weekends. Enjoy!

  4. Anon

    Thank you to all who have been posting in support of trans people and trans youth. We need voices and support now more than ever. Please keep going, we are watching and hoping our loved ones will speak up with us and for us.

    • Anon

      I agree, but probably not in the same way. I hope we can reach a point where we all agree that it’s wrong to remove children’s major organs and sterilize them because they don’t conform to sex stereotypes. I hope we can reach a point where we accept all children exactly as they are without telling them that there is something wrong with their bodies. I hope we can reach a point where we stop pressuring young gays and lesbians into identifying as the opposite sex so they stop getting bullied so much. I hope we can reach a point where evidence-based mental health and physical health care makes a return for these children. I hope we can reach a point where we stop using an unreliable suicide risk statistic from one poorly designed study as a cudgel to achieve policy aims and guilt parents into letting their 13-year-old daughters undergo mastectomies. Mark my words, in a few years, there is going to be an enormous wave of regret and lawsuits. It’s already begun.

      • anonshmanon

        Sexual orientation and gender identity are different things. If you think trans people are nothing but misguided gay people then you are have to learn some things. And what makes you think that people coming out as trans do so in order to experience less pressure from their environment?

        • Anon

          I recommend you check out the FAQ page on the 4thWaveNow website. It’s a good place to start and it’s a little easier to navigate than their research page.

      • Anon

        +1 I hope we will reach a point where gender non-conformity isn’t corrected with surgery.

      • Anon for this

        This is really transphobic and harmful. This is it scientifically inaccurate (surgeries and such have existed since the 1960s and regret is incredibly rare and almost always tied to external pressure not internal regret). This is ignorant to the reality that sexuality and gender are totally different things. Your words are harmful. Most of all, it is hateful. To say this in a place where someone said how needed support is, to say this at a time when so many attacks are happening is just cruel.

        Conversation and disagreement are one thing, inaccurate intentional harm is another. I hope you are just a tr0ll, as anything else is terrifying and heartbreaking.

      • PolyD

        This seems… a little strawman? No reputable pediatric or other medical groups are advocating for surgery for kids. I can’t find the article now, it basically they recommend listening to the child – if a child born a boy is persistent in living as a girl, let the child live as a girl. Closer to puberty, they might consider hormone treatment which, while not entirely benign, isn’t truly irreversible. Surgery isn’t a thing until closer to adulthood, and honestly, if we think 18–year-olds can be trusted to go to war, or decide to have an abortion or have a child, maybe they can also be trusted with health decisions.

        I honestly don’t get why people are so up in arms over transgender issues. How on earth does it affect you?? And don’t say “sports” so few people make it to the elite level that I imagine that cases of a born woman losing to a transgender woman would vanishingly small. The bigger problem seems to be that all women’s sports at all levels are seen as “lesser” to men’s sports and treated accordingly.

        I mean, if someone was born male but wants to live as female, it affects me no more than my colleague choosing to wear heels when I prefer flats, or preferring to be called Elizabeth rather than Liz. Transgender issues are just another red herring ginned up by the reactionary right because they have no good policies to offer people.

          • Anon

            Doctors agree to do no harm, research shows that not listening to a patient harms them. Also, the only doctors doing these surgeries are specialists so they chose this field. So again, not accurate here.

          • PolyD

            Do you think doctors are willy-nilly performing gender reassignment surgeries because they are afraid of Big Trans??

          • Anonymous

            But with kids though? We don’t even let them have authority to pierce their ears. And they often have to do a judicial bypass to get an abortion.

          • anon

            You can listen to a patient – and you should – without agreeing with them, like if a patient says his life is not worth living or whatever. And it would not just be the surgeons obviously, but psychiatrists, therapists, pediatricians, hormone docs, etc.

      • pugsnbourbon

        Oh boy.

        The vast, vast majority of trans folks don’t undergo surgery until age 18 or later. I found this frequently-cited study that did show at least one minor underwent top surgery at 13 or 14. https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/article-abstract/2674039 There are already so many barriers to gender affirmation surgery that there must have been extenuating circumstances – severe dysphoria, early development, etc – for surgery to proceed at that age. The same study also found that 67 of the 68 post-surgery respondents felt zero regret over their procedure.

        Putting aside the issue that trans-affirming healthcare for young people is incredibly difficult to access, the care that trans youth receive most often consists of talk therapy – just talk therapy. I can’t find any data on how widespread puberty blocker use is (I do have a lot to do today), but here’s more info from the Mayo clinic: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/gender-dysphoria/in-depth/pubertal-blockers/art-20459075

        I’m not an expert on trans kids and obviously this is a complicated topic. Here’s some links with more information:
        https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5847087/
        https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/childrens-health/in-depth/children-and-gender-identity/art-20266811
        https://healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/gradeschool/Pages/Gender-Diverse-Transgender-Children.aspx
        https://www.wpath.org/
        https://www.cdc.gov/lgbthealth/transgender.htm

        I’m sending love and support to trans kids and adults, today and every day.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        This person thinks being a trans person is a way to be bullied less than being gay or lesbian. We can completely discount anything they say.

      • Anonymous

        I didn’t realize how experimental some of the treatments are. That was sort of eye popping.

    • Clementine

      Thanks to the anon at 9:31 for demonstrating how ‘Support’ actually means ‘tell humans that they don’t actually know what they want, nor do they have any right to their bodies.’

      Nope. I support humans – trans, cis, across the gender spectrum. Full stop. I encourage you to seek out actual people with diverse life experiences and see that this badly designed study you cite plays out as anecdotal truth over and over, especially with trans kids.

      • emeralds

        Yeah, that’s a horrifyingly transphobic take from 9:31. It is sickening to see the same poorly-informed, harmful, and hateful posts every time trans issues come up.

        In an attempt to put a more positive spin on things, if any DMV area readers are interested, Casa Ruby is a trans-founded LGBTQ organization providing social services in DC. For Trans Day of Visibility, they launched a fundraiser to help move their low-barrier housing to a new location after they were displaced from their original building by an electrical fire. Donate here: https://casaruby.org/donate/

      • Curious

        +1 I support humans and will fully support my child to be if transitioning is right for them.

    • Ellen

      I am all for Trans People getting all their rights. It is silly to discriminate based on sexual orientation, and I do not patronize any place that does. FOOEY on any such place, and I encourage the entire hive to say FOOEY with me on this non-controversial issue. FOOEY!

  5. Anonymous

    Today is my best friend’s cat’s birthday (rescue cat). BFF is having an exclusive invite-only zoom birthday party, during which Cat gets to eat a tiny, vet-approved shrimp cake. This is the first time I’ve looked forward to a Zoom party in over a year, so sharing in case it makes anyone laugh.

    • CountC

      I would 100% show up for this Zoom call over regular ones. Hilarious. I love it.

    • Anon

      I’m cringing (in a good way) imagining the smacking sounds my cats make eating wet food, but amplified over a mic. Hilarious.

    • MagicUnicorn

      Not a cat person, but this is amazing and I wish Cat many happy returns!

    • Monday

      Totally support! I had a first birthday party for my cat (years ago). It was well- and enthusiastically attended.

    • Ellen

      Before the pandemic, we had a real party celebrating Rosa’s cat’s birthday at a great Thai Restaurant. The entire Barshevsky family was there, but no pets.

    • nuqotw

      This is hilarious and awesome and should it end up on YouTube, I hope you will share a link of the cat eating said cake.

  6. Anonymous

    I made partner last year and due to a shockingly not-busy first quarter this year, need to revise my budget/goal projection down. I can pay my bills (but if student loan payments come back, it’ll be tight). A friend offered to have me help with her projects in an area of law that I hate – in an area where good lawyers are needed, but tend to be divisive (people want to do it or not) – think criminal defense, custody battles, etc. I could use the money and security and appreciate the offer, but I absolutely hate that area of law and I think I’d feel that way every day. If my work picked up I would have to balance both and wrap up participation in the other area.

    What would you pick? I live alone, no kids, FWIW. Less busy, less money, doing work you love, or typical busy, typical money, doing 40% work you hate (but knowing it’s hopefully temporary)?

    • anon

      If you truly hate that area, not just dislike, I would not do it. It will be a mental drain that may affect performance at your regular job.

    • Anonymous

      If you need the money to be financially comfortable (as in, not stressed if you have to pay loans), I would be inclined to do it for a set period each week if possible. Like you know that you’ll hate Tuesday afternoons but once you’ve ‘done your time’ for that week, you don’t have to work on it the rest of the week.

      FWIW – I’m in govt and got reassigned to 50% in an area I don’t like at all. I put a “it’s not coal mining” post it on my monitor. Love my job otherwise so hanging on for reassignment later this year.

    • Anon

      Unless you have a clear and very reliable reason to think you are going to get busier soon, I’d take it. You don’t know when you’ll pick up and if you don’t take this opportunity, someone else may and there might not be something else if you are sweating it in two months.

    • No Face

      Can you do the work in a way that the clients don’t know you are involved? For example, you draft pleadings and discovery but they are filed under her name? That way clients won’t seek you out when you don’t need the money anymore.

    • Anonymous

      I would be very hesitant to do something that might paint you with that brush permanently. A short-term gain is not worth the long term problems.

    • Anonymous

      Does anyone else in your firm do this type of work? Could you get origination credit and have someone else do the work?

    • Anonymous

      I commented elsewhere about origination but if that’s not an option, I would not take this work. Two things. First. Every time I’ve taken a matter I had reservations about, but I felt like I couldn’t say no because I wasn’t busy, I’ve regretted it. They’ve always morphed into the worst matters – way more time consuming than anticipated, difficult clients, there are other issues the client “forgot” to mention – they turn into huge messes that are hard to get out of. And then I’m too busy and emotionally drained to do good work that I like. Trust your gut. I’ve been there and it really really sucks to be in a slump, but I promise it will get better, don’t give into this temporary pressure.

      Second, from an ethical perspective, you shouldn’t take work in an area you’re not qualified to practice unless you can partner with someone who does. I may get flamed, but I would argue that hating the work = not qualified to practice that area. You know you’re not going to do your best work. You’ll be more likely to make mistakes if you’re tuned out. Don’t put your reputation on the line, it’s worth way more than a few months pay.

    • Formerly Lilly

      If it was truly temporary, not morally reprehensible to me, and was not going to adversely affect my desired career trajectory, I would do it for financial security. These are weird times.

    • anon

      I would not do the work that I hate. It sucks to be in a slump, but I’d put my time and effort into getting out of that slump with the work I love when things come back, or, if there’s been some permanent shift in the industry, into finding another type of work I don’t hate to supplement my income. Outside the very short-term, it’s not a binary choice of “less busy, less money, doing work you love” vs “typical busy, typical money, doing 40% work you hate.”

  7. PSA - comfy loafers

    For those of you who would like to buy comfy flats, this is an expensive but super low cost per wear rec – Tod’s

    I bought a pair of their navy suede loafers in 2013. They still look as good as the day I got them. I have worn them on flights, business trips to Europe where I like walking to and fro hotel-office, casually on supermarket runs…and they are worth every penny I paid.

    They’re perfect for all but super formal offices.

    • Anon

      Are these the driving mocs with little nubby things on the bottom? I always thought those looked cool, but feared that they might run very narrow in the toe area.

      • Anonymous

        They have different types so you have to try them on. I have wide feet by the way.

  8. Mentoring

    I need some advice on mentorship. I am a professional who transitioned to a manager position about 6 months ago, then changed companies in my same industry and positions to a theoretically higher level manager position, and I’m lost. I have both a formal and an informal mentorship possibility, and my plan is to go forward with both. The formal mentor would be my boss’s boss and the informal one is one of the VPs. I plan to leverage my boss’s boss to learn more about management, and I hope to leverage the VP to improve my company standing and influence as well as rationalize ‘big’ plans with her about the direction I see my department going.
    I have never had a mentor before. What should I expect? Is there a book I should be reading? I believe that this is an excellent opportunity, and I Don’t want to squander it.

    • Anon.

      I would not read any books.

      Having been a mentor myself, I always ask my mentee two questions in the first meeting:
      1. What are you hoping to get out of our mentor-mentee relationship? (E.g. industry insights, new connections to other parts of the company, advice on work techniques/management, …)
      2. What are your goals career-wise (1 yr, 3 yr, 5yr, 10 yr – whatever time period makes sense)?
      We discuss these questions at a high level in the first meeting to get to know each other, but may dive into them deeper afterwards.

      As a 3rd topic for a first meeting, we discuss logistics:
      1. What is the best way to communicate (email, text, messenger, …)?
      2. How often should we meet and for how long (monthly? quarterly? over lunchtime?)?
      3. Who will set up calendar invites?

      I expect the mentee to drive the agenda for each meeting. Sometimes, we have also come up with actionable assignments (e.g. revamping their resume and sending it to me a few days before the next meeting, reaching out to 5 people on LinkedIn).

      • Emma

        I don’t want to be a bummer, but every time I’ve been assigned a mentor, it’s been… blah. I have very real mentorship relationships with people I work with, but forced mentorship has been been that useful to me and, based on regular conversations at my firm, this is pretty widespread.

        • Cat

          I feel the same way. Natural mentorship – where you develop trust and a working relationship over time – is wonderful.

          Suddenly being expected to divulge your career concerns and goals to someone in your company who doesn’t know you well doesn’t work. If you don’t have that notion of trust with them, who knows what secret agenda or personality or history you’ll inadvertently step in.

    • Anon

      You may never have had a formal mentor but hard to imagine you’ve never had a mentor – a professor, colleague, wise neighbor or peer from whom you sought counsel? A good mentoring relationship is like that.

      • AZCPA

        I’ve literally never had one of these.Would be great, but all my leadership training from those in a position to mentor has been a case study of what not to do.

    • Digby

      I work for a very political company that has a (very thin) veneer of being nice but is actually cutthroat; if your company is different, my perspective may not apply. I would be very cautious about this – is boss going to feel intimidated by the mentoring relationship with boss’s boss? Are both boss and boss’s boss going to feel intimidated by the VP mentorship? Where I work, anything you say or don’t say can and will be used against you, so if you mention something to VP that suggests that the entire department isn’t obsessively focused on management’s new sparkly idea, or that you’re not completely up to speed on the technological advances of a competitor, there could be hell to pay. I would also be careful about discussing plans for the department with the VP unless boss and boss’s boss have already approved them – I wouldn’t want to blindside my bosses.

      If you work in a company where promotions/transfers are frequent, so you don’t have to worry much about boss and boss’s boss, then go for it. But if you’re going to be stuck working for those people, you don’t want them to think that you poisoned the VP against them/their department.

      If you work for a nicer company than I do, then I would focus on a few things – you say that you’re lost. I would focus the mentoring on where I felt lost. I might not use that exact word (would reflect badly on boss and/or me), but I would say that I want to strengthen my skills in this or that. Or I would say that I was interested in some recent project the mentor was involved in and would like to learn more – pick their brains about what they do and how, and what it takes to succeed at this company.

      But to be brutally honest, I have never seen a mentorship program that truly worked – the bosses get too busy, they themselves have no training in how to mentor, they end up viewing it either as a nuisance or just a way to foist some work off on the mentee, etc. So I would go into it with modest expectations.

  9. Clothing by Poetry?

    Received a catalog out of the blue from a clothing brand called Poetry. Stuff looks gorgeous and is kind of spendy – anyone had any experience with them? They are definitely in the lifestyle to which I aspire…wondering if I should grab a piece for summer. Thanks!

    • Trixie

      I have not ordered from them, but I called them to check their shipping policies. This may have changed, but customer pays for shipping both ways, and it is a UK company. Not for me, but check out their policies as this could be an expensive trial.

    • Annony

      I bought a cashmere poncho from there a few years ago, and I love it. It’s a beautiful color, and good quality. (Better than Everlane/JCrew, but not as good as fancy cashmere.) I fantasize about vacations on Greek islands whenever I see their summer catalog, but it’s not something I’d wear in real life. As much as I love my poncho, I haven’t ordered anything else, as what I see seems a bit overpriced for what it is … as in, I could find a very similar style for much less.

  10. Custom Jeweler Minneapolis St. Paul

    I will be getting some diamond jewelry as part of an inheiritance, and wonder if anyone in the Twin Cities can recommend a custom jeweler who could help me re-work it into something that is my style? Never had this type of opportunity before…excited and nervous.

  11. Monday

    I’m a little disappointed by today’s serious item suggestion, which a reasonable person might actually buy and wear. Usually on 4-1 Kat posts, shall we say, in the spirit of this date. I know it’s been a bad 2 years for jokes, but this is pretty safe territory! If anyone has suggestions, post ’em here?

  12. Housewarming gift for my granny?

    My 85-yr old grandma in Germany is moving into a smaller apartment in a senior living community in two weeks. I’d like to send her something afterwards to acknowledge and celebrate her move. (She leaves the apartment where she lived with my grandpa until his passing 9 years ago, so I can imagine this isn’t super easy for her.)

    Traditionally in Germany we gift bread and salt as a housewarming gift, but she lives alone and a whole loaf will go stale quickly.

    I’m thinking small houseplant (in case she doesn’t move those she has), or alternatively just sent a large bouquet. Of course I have to ask my mother for the right timing, as I don’t want to send flowers if vases are still unpacked, haha.

    I would not want to gift large items or decorative trinkets since she just got rid of a ton of things and I wouldn’t want to add clutter back into her new home.

    Ideas?

      • Anon

        +1 I was thinking the same thing. Depending on where she lives, could you order her a fancy breakfast basket to be delivered, complete with fresh broetchen, and ask them to be sure to include a little packet of salt?

        • Anon.

          That is a great idea with the breakfast basket. I will explore this further. Maybe pumpernickel bread is an option, as well, as those come pre-packaged.

    • Anonymous

      I would still send bread and salt unless you are afraid she will keep eating the bread when it is moldy. If she’s super frugal, she will know she can freeze part of the loaf. Otherwise, is it a big deal to throw away some bread?

    • Anonymous

      Pretzels, pumpernickel and maybe some crispbread would be longer lasting. But something that is easy to share, and serve to guests. Maybe some hard cheese and cured meats with it? Or homemade soup for the freezer? Maybe some “splurgey” magazines, if she likes to read or do crosswords. Other things that might be nice: a good quality hand cream, a welcome mat, or some outdoor seasonal flowers (like little daffodils or sweet violets) in a pot, if she has a balcony or outdoor space.

    • Anonymous

      Little gourmet salt kit? I can’t tell the difference, but the colors are pretty!

  13. Anon

    For those of you who use investment advisors, do they give you a different mix of investments (like things you have to be an Accredited Investor for, maybe other things) than what you could get on etrade, etc.? Not risky stuff like hedge funds, just a different mix that what is gotten over the counter.

    For work, I have insider trading rules that are pretty onerous so I am really just limited to mutual funds (easy, cheap option) or giving someone complete power over investments in a blind trust (and in a post-Madoff world, I’m never going to do that, plus, it is also more expensive to set up / run and if they churn your account, you have to pay taxes on that). I can’t really ever buy stocks due to someone somewhere working on something for that company (ditto selling, even if you just want to harvest some losses so you can take those on your taxes).

    • Hildy J.

      A lot of times working with an investment advisor that’s part of a bigger entity will just plug you into the firm’s model portfolios. So if you go to a Schwab advisor, and Schwab “headquarters” has determined that investors fitting your profile should be in (I’m totally just spitballing this) 50% large-cap growth and 25% emerging-markets and 15% bonds and 10% cash, that’s what you’re in. And most, or much, of the time, those portfolios are based on ETFs, not single stocks.

      • Anon

        Is that like the age-targeted funds that are generally offered?

        I randomly without a lot of thought other than “I’ve seen clients who have enough $ to be estate planning clients do it” kept a condo I moved from as a rental property figuring that it would be cash positive and that way I’d be somewhat diversified out of the market (and it was, once I thought about it, hard to say what the “right” time would be to sell an asset you could chose to keep or sell actually was).

        I do think I should have more free cash but after last year, I endured a big salary cut (but, hey, no layoff) for a while and dipped in (I think that’s what it is for: avoiding selling assets in a choppy or down market).

        • Hildy J.

          A bit… but with maybe a little more sophistication. Presumably when you walk in the door of a Schwab/Merrill/Raymond James they will ask you more than just your age… your risk tolerance, your short- and long-term goals, etc. I am *personally* of the view, for myself, that I would prefer to pay someone a little more money to get me a lot more alpha or just pay nothing for like the S&P 500… but a lot of people like this low-cost middle ground. And for your purposes, if your firm will let you invest in ETFs rather than single stocks, it could work.

    • anon for this

      I am also extremely limited (regulator) and basically only have mutual funds. I use Vanguard since they are essentially free once you have a certain asset amount. I’ve thought about going to an advisor but I have a hard time thinking that their returns will beat my lazy portfolio after fees are taken out. But I’m open to someone telling me I’m wrong.

      • NY CPA

        +1 – Big 4 accounting firms all seem to have conflicts with every public company under the sun. Or if they don’t have a conflict now, one might pop up at any point and we would have to sell immediately to clear the conflict, regardless of if it is in a gain or loss position. Even if I had a financial advisor, they wouldn’t have access to our internal conflict check website, so it’s just not worth it, since I’d have to check every single buy/sell transaction myself. I just buy low-fee ETFs and mutual funds and call it a day. You’re statistically never going to beat the market in the long-term, so why pay more for less convenience?

      • BB

        Curious what program you have with Vanguard where the investment advice is basically free? I have their personal advisor service and it has a fee.

        • anon for this

          Sorry I wasn’t clear – their fees for investing are almost nothing. I don’t use their advisor services which it looks like would cost me north of $2K/year. I follow the Boglehead lazy portfolio method.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think most investment firms care about anyone who has less than 10 M to invest. I have had access to private banks, etc., through work, but the advisors screen the accounts to see who fits their model, and don’t lift a finger for investors they consider retail. So I would go with mutual funds unless you are working on your second dime.

      • Anonymous

        I had people calling me starting when I was a first year associate who was deeply in debt. I doubt our firm head has that much $. Maybe the people calling me weren’t that bright. I still get emails that are like cold-calling by email for investment services. I’m a lawyer, not a rich person, just a person paying rent and student loans and now also a car loan.

    • Anon

      I moved half of my retirement into a managed portfolio. Instead of owning shares of index funds, my 401k owns individual shares. There are different funds with different managers and different goals who do all the buying and selling of shares.

  14. Anon

    I think I’m 5-10 years late to the casual sneaker trend, but after a year in sneakers, my feet want to be comfy but my giant Hoka sneakers only cut it with athletic wear and not with cute spring outfits. Is there something cute that is also comfy and also good for feet that need some width in the toe box (like for duck-shaped feet)? I don’t need a wide width, just room there. Also, I don’t really need supportive shoes, just comfort, esp. in the humidity when my feet swell by mid-afternoon if I’m on them a lot.

  15. Anon

    I was doing some thinking re college costs (kid is in middle school, so we are starting to have friends with older kids sharing annecdata with us). State U cost of attendance is probably like 25K/year. Private U seems to cap out at 70K/year (maybe higher I think if you are in someplace like NYC due to housing costs).

    I don’t know anyone who has 70K extra in their budget and that just seems impossible to save up (even if you started in the day care years), per year, per kid (we have 2).

    Maybe I am thinking that at private schools, the need-based air threshold is higher than I’m guessing (I was thinking it was just for actual poor people, like if you get food stamps, but even upper-middle class people who are stuck with fixed housing and car costs and saving for their own retirement could not afford all of Private U even if they could afford State U). Do any of you have a sense of at what incomes partial aid goes up to? I want to start having realistic $ convos with my kids, but I’m not sure what is realistic info to share with them other than “we plan to have saved $X, you are welcome to consider anything, but the $ may not work out and be prepared to let go of some dreams.” [Obviously not all at once, but with that general gist over time.]

    • Anon

      At the Ivy I attended, students from families that make less than $100k get full tuition covered, no loans (there may some costs for books, computers, travel etc. and a work study expectation). Not sure where financial aid phases out for incomes above that, but for students from lower income families, there’s a good chance they’ll pay less at a private school than public. And read Ron Lieber’s new book about paying for college- he talks a lot about how admissions at less competitive private schools are all about the merit aid and complex algorithms to manage revenues. Even though I went to an Ivy, costs have increased so much above inflation since I attended that I think paying full tuition for one is sort of bonkers. The catch is that a lot of students pay nowhere near that.

      • Anon

        I just wish that schools were up front about it — here is sliding scale of tuition, like some clinics are that have sliding scale fees. I also hate that schools often advertise aid, but when the aid is just a package of loans, that’s not really aid to me (or, sticker is $75K and the aid is you pay $25K, you borrow $25K and you get a scholarship of 25K, that to me is still not desirable (how to tell a kid though how much that $100K of student loan debt will hurt them down the road though)).

        I honestly don’t know who goes to private colleges these days or if they are really no-longer need blind in admissions (like if Jane’s parents can just pay, which we are guessing b/c there is no FAFSA attached, she may have merely OK stats but we’ll take her). And it kills me further that a lot of states double the sticker price for out-of-state students, like they must be there now solely to fill in any budget holes (so no needy or even middle class kids from out of state should apply).

        • Anon

          Poster above, and I totally agree about the ambiguity. Based on the Rob Lieber book, it sounds like a lot of schools have tools on their website where you can enter your info and get an estimate of how much you’d pay, but I haven’t tried this. I think all the Ivies are still need blind admissions with no merit aid but guarantee to meet full need. Most other private schools have had to change to need-aware admissions and offering merit aid. I work in higher ed (at a public university) and one thing to watch out for about merit aid, whether it comes from the school or as some other scholarship, is that they often come with GPA requirements that make them surprisingly easy to lose after the first year. A 3.0 sounds pretty manageable for high achieving high school kids, but a lot of them have trouble adjusting to college classes, especially in STEM where the early classes grade pretty harshly. It’s really awful when students come to you in tears asking you to change their grade so they don’t lose their scholarship.

        • Anon

          Most private colleges are NOT need blind in admissions. There are a very limited number that are need blind in admissions and will meet 100% of need, but the need might include loans. There are are very, very few that are admit need blind and meet 100% of need without loans.

        • Anon

          “I honestly don’t know who goes to private colleges these days or if they are really no-longer need blind in admissions (like if Jane’s parents can just pay, which we are guessing b/c there is no FAFSA attached, she may have merely OK stats but we’ll take her).”

          My alma mater – small Ivy-like school, meets 100% of demonstrated need but is not need blind – receives between 25,000 and 30,000 applications per year, half from full pay applicants. It admits students regardless of need until it runs out of money, at which point, it admits exclusively from the full-pay pile. By the time the university is extending offers to only full-pay applicants, approximately 10,000 full-pay applicants remain in the pile to be considered, and the university is extending offers to 50-100 of them. It certainly is not scraping the bottom of the barrel.

          Less competitive schools are likely quite different. I imagine that being wealthy means that you can pay your okay-not-superstar kids’ way into Denison or Mount Holyoke. Those kids pay heavily for the privilege of being around brilliant middle class kids on a free ride.

    • Cat

      When I went to school it was around $50K-$55K per year (Ivy) and I was not granted any need-based aid. Parents had around $800K in investments (had been more but the 00-01 drop hurt them temporarily), some college savings (probably about half of the total?) and dad’s income was probably around $200K at the time. Mom was SAHM.

      They paid outright between the specific college savings and just… spending less those years. We didn’t go on vacations, they didn’t buy much new stuff, etc.

    • Chl

      I have heard really good things about ‘the price you pay for college’ book that came out I think last year. The author was also on a lot of podcasts so you could search on that. Author is Ron Lieber.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, I heard him on Her Money. My kids are still in early elementary so I am not thinking too hard about it, yet, but that book sounds like an excellent resource. My main takeaway was Everything Is Negotiable.

        • Anonymous

          It’s negotiable if the student is the “seller” and the school is the “buyer.” If the student is the “buyer” and the school is the “seller,” the student doesn’t have any bargaining power.

        • Anon

          You should amend that to Everything Is Negotiable If You Aim A Level Below Your Highest Level Admission. If a kid or parent is intent on the kid attending the most competitive school to which the kid is admitted, there’s not much bargaining power. If a kid is willing to consider “a level down” then there is a lot more wiggle room with merit aid, grant to loan ratios, etc. And yes, I recognize that the ranking of colleges is fraught with issues and that the most competitive is not necessarily the best fit for every kid. I am using language in a way that most will understand, without necessarily agreeing with the value judgments associated with rankings and competitiveness.

    • Anon

      Look for a private that is located in same geography or city as very good State U – we found that the privates in those scenarios were very competitive on tuition due to the local competition for students from affordable State U. Our child also received scholarship to make up the difference so private tuition and State U tuition ended up being the same….and our child chose the private….and ended up with great results

    • Anon

      some schools have partial aid up to $200k, and basically all non-ivy schools can give merit based aid.

    • Anon for this

      It’s really really hard. I have no idea how I’ll manage it.

      Personally, my dad paid full sticker price for my Ivy league school about 10 years ago. He paid all 4 years upfront, which gave him a bit of a discount because then he didn’t pay the price increases every year. He ended up paying out of his income because he had recently been hired at a job with a high 6-figure income. However, he had also separately saved up enough in college funds for each of us by putting the maximum allowed each year by the uniform gift to minors act (so this year, it’s $15K per kid) into a Vanguard fund with my name on it. I think he started that when I was born. If you’re just starting that in middle school, it’s not going to work, but would be something.

      But yeah, most people have loans. Even my friends with parents who made well less than the $100 “full” financial aid limit had loans. If I had had to fund my 4 years through loans (at the time, about $250K all in, now probably more like $300K), I would be drowning in debt, and it wouldn’t have been worth it. I now counsel all high schoolers I talk to through alumni interviews or just family friends, etc. to very, very carefully consider the financial impact of their decision. I will admit, it would have been devastating to get into an Ivy and then not go there because I couldn’t afford it, but in the long run, it only really impacts your employment in a very small number of fields and ultimately isn’t worth the decade + of struggles to repay loans on the other side of it.

    • College Money

      I have 2 recent college grads, and they were both slightly above average high school students in a competive high school (so, top 10 % of their classes, decent mix of activities) and the private schools they got into offered merit scholarship money that brouht the cost down to just slightly above the average cost of the state school. As it turns out, they both chose a (non-flagship) state school with an amazing national rep in STEM (one was a chem/micro major, one was computer engineering major), so the cost turned out to be not an issue. We started saving for #1 when #2 was born and put the same amount in each account (a mix of 529 and a UTMA brokerage account) each month until they graduated. For #1 with merit money from the state school, some NCAA athletic money, and our savings, paid for 5 years of undergrad and 2.5 years of grad school. For #2, no NCAA money, less merit aid but asome and some strong summer internships that then paid out in tuition reimbursement, the savings paid for 4.5 years of undergrad and the first job out of college is paying for grad school attended part time while working, #2 had some cash left over that will eventually be used for a house downpayment.

    • Anon

      The New York Times ran an article within the past year about talking to your kids about money and college, beginning around the middle school years. It is worth a read.

      • Anonymous

        That article was absolutely terrible. It presented what everyone who has ever applied to college has known for generations–at some schools good grades can get you a merit scholarship–as revolutionary knowledge, and moaned about how unfair it is that high school students are suddenly under pressure to get good grades.

        • Anon

          I don’t even know how colleges can differentiate between high school students anymore. Grade inflation is real. When over half the class get A’s, what does a 4.0 even mean? Getting an A used to mean you were in the top 10-20% of the class. Now it basically means you passed, and as far as your competitive GPA is concerned, a B is failing.

        • Anon

          That wasn’t my takeaway. Mine was that you start talking to your kids early so that they understand the reality that money WILL factor into college decisions.

    • Anon

      Both my kids attend and will be attending state schools – we live in CA so we have great choices- but my daughter briefly flirted with the idea of attending the small liberal arts private college I attended. (Which I attended because I was a full financial aid kid and they gave me more than the UCs).

      We went to an information day at the school and attended the financial aid session, even though I knew we wouldn’t qualify for any need based aid. They revealed their matrix of aid. Only a single student would qualify for the top level scholarship, which wasn’t free tuition but basically UC level.

      Then there was a scale based on GPA and test scores, and where most well performing kids would have gotten somewhere between 10k-20k a year in assistance. They made a point of telling all the parents the amounts were non-negotiable in the interest of fairness. It still didn’t bring it down to in state tuition level but it was a big discount from sticker price.

    • Anonymous

      My daughter is in college now at one of our state’s public universities. She gets a scholarship that covers tuition, but not fees, books, dorms, etc. We did not qualify for any need-based financial aid. My husband and I are both government workers and our household income is about $180,000 year. We have two younger children at home. (Just to give you the full picture.) We obviously pay the remainder of the balance for fees, books, housing, etc.

    • Anonymous

      I went to a NESCAC school that cost ~50k/year, and I graduated in 2005. I’m one of three kids. My parent has about 80k saved, paid $20k/year for 4 years and I graduated with $40k in debt. Dad made about $180k-$200k and mom was SAH.

      My sister went to state school (it was a good one and had her major) and graduated debt free. My brother never went to college but got a $50k check from my parents when he turned 25 which he used to buy a condo.

      I believe at some point my parents took out a home equity loan to help with some of the costs, but paid it off fairly quickly.

      DH also went to a private college and his parents paid for all 4 years up front in cash. Similar income but they’d saved a lot more.

  16. paging poster who recommended Sarah Flint

    Looking for a referral to Sarah Flint. There was a posting a few days ago by someone looking for comfortable shoes and a reply suggesting this brand. I wasn’t the OP but I’m always in the market for comfortable shoes and these look fantastic. If you have a referral, please send it to jackski@gmail.com

    thanks in advance!

    • Anon

      I was interested by that as well. They don’t have wide sizes available, but say the shoes stretch. Does anyone know if they would work on wide feet?

      • NYC

        They do! Most (all?) of their shoes have wider toe beds, which is how I ended up with 10+ pairs …. all fabulous for wide feet.

  17. Money Snapshot OP

    Hello! My money snapshot was published last week. The comments included quite a few questions about my expat experience; I’ve finally posted a long response, back on the Money Snapshot post.

  18. no

    When is it worth springing for the warranty on an electronic? I generally don’t bother, but after having a $600 tv go after 2 years (outside the manufacturer warranty of course!) I’m wondering if I should have paid the $150 instead of having to buy a whole new one.

    • Cat

      Almost never, based on friends who had jobs at Best Buy or the Apple store. Employers would absolutely delight in warranty sales because they are so profitable.

    • Anon

      I never buy them, but I guess it depends on your risk tolerance. Extended warranties are like casinos- the house always wins. They’re a huge money maker for the people that sell them because they pay out way less than they take in. But if you can’t afford to replace a broken item or get really upset about things breaking, it could be worth it psychologically, I’d just make sure you understand what is and isn’t covered and how hard it is to make a claim.

    • anon

      I never bother. There are so many restrictions on the warranties that it feels like throwing money away.

    • Anonymous

      When it is something that would be a big financial burden to replace. Like you wouldn’t be able to do it right away and would have to save up for it.

    • Anonymous

      We almost never get them either. We try to look at reviews pretty heavily before making expensive purchases to see how long people say that items last. It’s not a perfect system, but it seems to work OK. We have had our TV for 10 years now and it works just fine despite having been moved twice, including cross country in a pod.

    • MagicUnicorn

      In my experience the fine print usually means it is not worth it to go the warranty route instead of just hoping for the best and taking it to a repair shop if it breaks. Warranties seem to be written in such a way that they don’t ever really apply, or if they do, your out of pocket expenses are more than the repair or replacement cost would be.

    • Anon

      I never do, but Costco grants extended warranties on some of their products. I’m not sure if it applies to tvs but it may be worth looking into purchasing electronics from them if you’re looking for more coverage.

    • Anan

      I get the warranty for my phones and tablets because I am clumsy and have kids. I’ve had to replace two phones within weeks of purchase and each time was able to do so for $200.
      Anything else, though, I don’t bother.

    • anon a mouse

      I buy one when it’s an item that has a lot of parts that could break, is expensive ($1K+) and I expect it to last a long time. For example we bought the extended warranty on the Peloton because service calls are expensive and reddit seemed to show that issues were not uncommon. And when I bought my W/D, Costco gave 2 years warranty but I bought the extended for another 3 years, because it will get heavy use. These may be foolish purchases but I also weigh my own frustration — how pissed would I be if I had to buy another W/D set in 30 months? II certainly would expect a TV to last longer than 2 years though!

    • Anon

      Having worked on the insurance side, warranties are very profitable business for the insurer. Rarely worth it for the consumer.

      Also, for something like a TV, are you really going to box up your TV and mail it to the manufacturer?

  19. No Face

    My kids are much younger, but I plan to have the college money talk at the beginning of freshman year. I will give them a binder with their most recent 529 account statement and projections, and then financial/tuition pages from a variety of colleges (State U, Tuition Free School, local Private U, Ivy League, Community College, Military Academy). We will talk about what the savings will cover and how much is left over. We will talk about applying for scholarships and what that entails. We will take about taking out loans and what that entails. After that, my job is to help support each kid in his or her own goals through high school.

    To answer your actual question, I went to a non-Ivy Private U and there was no tuition if your household income was under $60k or $80k or something like that. I was waaaayyy under growing up, and now I am waaaayy over so I’m not counting on something like that. I am assuming that my kids will apply for need-blind scholarships and not get financial aid. Obviously, YMMV.

    • anne-on

      This is very similar to the approach I plan to take, with the addition of talking about the ROI of degrees. I knew people who graduated from private school with film/art/philosophy degrees with over $100k in debt from working class families who thought any degree is a good degree. Yes, there is a LOT of value in liberal arts degrees (I have one!) but you should not go into significant debt to obtain one unless you come from money or know you can go into the family business imho.

    • Anon

      This sounds like a very good approach, and something I’ll keep in mind for the future. Thanks! It feels hard to crush kids dreams, but I like that you have the conversation really early before they start having clearly formed dreams about colleges, so they can make smart choices and you support them.

      • No Face

        I would reframe it from “crushing dreams.” We have choices and there are ramifications to those choices. If my kid loves some expensive liberal arts college and wants to get into tons of debt for it, that is her choice. I will advise against it, but it is her life.

        As an aside, I knew a guy who got into Very Expensive Private U at full tuition and a full ride scholarship to Local Public U. His parents said that it was his choice, but if he took the full ride they would buy him a brand new car. He took the full ride! $30k for a sports car was much cheaper than $250k for college.

      • Monday

        Luckily, I’m getting the impression that teen culture is changing somewhat around the reality of student debt. Having millennial/young Gen X parents and watching 20-something Tik Tok creators seems to be making the teens in my life, at least, think much more critically about tuition costs than I ever did. The word is out.

      • Mal

        I think it’s a very, very kind thing to do, actually – a lot of folks don’t have parents who are college or college-finance literate, and they end up taking out loans or making other big financial decisions at 18 that will affect them for many years. My parents never crushed any dreams, but were just upfront about what they could pay for (in my case, in-state tuition or equivalent amount of money at another school), and it actually helped me make my school decision easier. I realized that I wasn’t desperate to go out of state for any important reason, so it made it easier to focus on the good school options in-state.

      • Anon

        I’m not OP here, but basically our plan was so save for in-state tuition, room and board, and then if the kids wanted to go private or out of state, they had to get amazing scholarships or take out loans. They’ve known that since they were pretty young.

        My daughter is currently a sophomore in college and thanked me recently for being so honest with her about it. She has lots of friends whose parents never had the talk with them and are taking out all kind of student loans with no thought to what a burden it will be to pay them back.

        Let me just tell you, having your kid grow up and thank you for something like that is the best. When she was applying for college, it was clear that she through we were totally uncool for not saying “go wherever you want” with no strings attached like her friends were hearing from their parents.

        My son will be heading to college in the fall and got into a tough-to-get-into major (CS) in a very tough year for admissions to our state system (UC) so I’m really glad that he was at least able to not worry at all about the financial aspects.

        I can’t say enough good things about 529 accounts. The money grows over your kids’ lives and you don’t pay taxes on the interest if you use it for educational expenses.

      • Anon

        I really dislike the language around “crushing dreams.” I was a very high achiever who very much wanted to go to MIT; however, my parents were the ones who were getting far more emotional about admissions and applications than I was. Handling myself and my disappointment at the waitlist was hard but manageable; managing them was just something else.

        Injecting that much emotion into an expensive and time-consuming process, with a huge amount of decisions in the hands of other people, is really counterproductive. Besides, if the kid is that talented, find one of the other 3,000 universities in America that matches her interests and is affordable. If she’s that talented, she’s likely a candidate for a top-notch grad school. It’s the grad school that matters more anyway.

        • SMC-San Diego

          It may be counterproductive – but it is not the parents who are injecting the emotion in the process, or at least not only the parents. College selection is fraught with emotion for high school students. They tend to have a lot of hopes and dreams bound up in the process and there is a lot of pressure. And even students who are not turning down amazing, world-renowned schools because they cannot afford them can get really upset when they fall in love with a school and the financial aid does not work out.

          My currently-in-college kid really wanted to go out of state and fell in love with a school that is going to end up costing $200K for 4 years (although fortunately she will be able to graduate in 4 years and not 5 which may have happened if she stayed in California). Telling her “no” would have been hard for both of us – her because she really loved it and me because I would have hated disappointing her. Fortunately my parents stepped up to cover the difference out of an inheritance from one of my grandparents so it was not an issue – but I probably would have ignored every bit of financial advice and re-financed my house to send her where she wanted to go because I wanted so badly for her to be happy. High school was rough; I wanted her to enjoy college (and it turned out to be a wonderful fit for her!)

  20. SSJD

    Seeking advice about where to buy slim-fit t-shirts (and other tops) for my 13 year old son. He is growing out of his XL and size 16 youth shirts (he’s almost 6′). But he’s thin, so buying men’s size medium shirts at the Gap might be too wide. Any tips? Ideally not super expensive as he’s a kid! Men’s shirts are more expensive than boy’s shirts :(

    • Vicky Austin

      Second H&M. They often sell multipacks of things like basic white or black t-shirts, and I think they fit long skinny people (like my rail-thin husband) well. And for a fast-fashion company, some of their items have lasted incredibly long for me.

    • Anonymous

      ASOS has lots of ‘long line’ and ‘slim fit’ shirts for cheap that would for the bill. Of course that price tag comes with a price on the other end, worker conditions, so ymmv.

    • Annony

      I know that it’s a bit controversial, esp now, but you could try H&M. A quick search on slim fit tshirts for men also brings up some likely contenders from JCrew Factory and Express.

    • Mal

      There are many men’s brands that have slim-fit shirts – those in a small size I think would work! My brother is 27 and has your son’s body type…maybe that would work!

    • AZCPA

      Kohl’s online carries some tees and henleys in slim sizes – my husband also prefers a slim fit and is hard on clothes, so $8-$11 a shirt suits us nicely.

  21. Anonymous

    How long do you think is an appropriate amount of time to be in a job before using 2 vacation days to make a 4-day weekend? And how far in advance should the request be made? New to Big Law and don’t want to ruffle feathers.

    • Cat

      Oh man, taking time off was ironically a stressful part of new associate life. How do you currently get your assignments – is there an assignment partner that is in charge of staffing? If so, I’d approach that person and say “I’m planning to take a long weekend on X dates, do you have any concerns with that? Based on my current workload I don’t think it will be disruptive to anything, but wanted to check before finalizing my plans.” (Note – this is more deferential than I’d recommend if you were more senior and just working directly with a few partners, in which case you’d just check with them.)

      Then you’ll get the nod and you can book things that are harder to change (flights etc although now with no change fees those aren’t as high-stakes as they used to be).

      Leading up to the weekend, make sure the senior associates you’re working with know your plans. Bring your laptop. And expect to get interrupted, unfortunately.

    • Anon

      When did you start? A normal job, I would say it’s acceptable or normal to ask after 4 months. Biglaw, it’s probably not acceptable for the first 6 months.

      • Cat

        Oh yeah good question. I read ‘new to Biglaw’ and jumpted to ‘young associate who started in the fall with her class’ and realize… that was a total assumption.

      • Anonymous

        Biglaw partner here, I agree with this. If you’re a lateral then it’s ok to take vacation sooner as long as you let everyone know during the hiring process. If you’re a first year then sorry you should wait 6 months unless you have a really good excuse.

        I’m not really sure how or if Covid is going to affect this. Personally, I would be super sympathetic to someone who hadn’t been able to see their grandparents, parents, nieces/nephews, or other very very close family member or friends/friends kids due to the pandemic. I would NOT be sympathetic to a first year who wanted to take time off for a trip with friends. Seeing the elderly or little ones = acceptable exception to the rule that you don’t take time off in the first 6 months. Getting drunk for 4 days = not acceptable exception. I would also say, be judicious about wedding-adjacent trips. I expect there will be a ton of weddings in the next year or two. Don’t be the associate who is never available on weekends because there’s always a bachelorette/shower/wedding that you just can’t miss.

        • AFT

          Agree with all this, and if anything I think remote work (if that’s still happening) may make it harder to get time off as you may still be expected to log in from wherever you are…

        • Anon

          Ugh, this was the case when I was a law firm associate and one of the main reasons I left to go in-house. Those weddings are a fun time of life and it’s actually pretty terrible to miss your 20s for biglaw. This feels very “I walked uphill both ways in the snow so you should too.” I’m now a GC and in the position to hire and rescue those lawyers so I guess keep at it? But I’d love for all of us to step back and realize there’s a validity to all phases of life and be more supportive of both work needs and life needs.

          • PrettyLawBelle

            Thank you for saying this and I totally agree. I am in house after a decade working for the state agencies relevant to the industry I work currently work in so I didn’t experience BigLaw but the sacrifices sounds awful.

          • Anon

            But no employer, big law or not, is going to look kindly at a very junior person taking multiple long weekends when they’re new. That’s just part of being a professional.

          • Anon

            Eh, I hire people knowing they come with lives and don’t really care if they take long weekends when they’re “new” as long as they’re getting their work done. I manage to outcomes not time in the chair.

          • Anonymous

            But they’re not getting their work done if they’re gone every weekend. Every time you say no to a weekend assignment, you’re ruining someone else’s weekend.

    • Emma

      Yeah it kind of depends if you are at first year associate or a lateral midlevel. But honestly, “time off” in biglaw is kind of a weird concept. As in, I can pretty much do whatever I want (midlevel associate) as long as my clients are happy and I’m not expected to handle a closing or something. I almost never ask for official time off for things like weekends, but I’m also never completely out of reach. As long as my billables are aligned with target, it’s not a major issue.

    • AFT

      When i was a brand new associate just out of law school, with little control over my scheudle or the ability to predict when work would heat up, I think I’d take a day here or there for the first year and took a week the July after I started for an international trip.
      When I lateralled as a mid/senior level – so better at predicting workload but still new to the firm/dynamics – I think I probably took a single day here or there for the first 4-6 months, and then would have been comfortable taking 3-5 days off.
      In biglaw for both situations, with lots of advance notice and planning around any dates, and unfortunately stress before and after any days off.

  22. anon

    I’m looking for a good summer-weight throw blanket. Any recommendations? I have an ancient one from PB that’s okay because it’s thin, but it’s also an acrylic blend, which I don’t love when the weather is warm.

  23. Anonymous

    Can someone translate this manspeak for me? My mom and BFF always use a particular (amazing!) florist to send me flowers for special occasions. DH gets upset every time he gives me flowers because mom’s and BFF’s flowers always look awesome. I’ve told DH many times I don’t care how they look I’m just happy to get flowers. Despite this, he continues to buy flowers from elsewhere (a bouquet from the grocery store) and then gets upset, embarrassed, and frustrated that “his” flowers never look as good as “their” flowers. This in turn puts pressure on me to reassure him and to arrange the grocery store bouquet nicely but I so do not have the touch for flower arranging, so then we’re both sad – him because he feels second rate and me because he feels that way. I cannot understand his reluctance to use the – or any – florist if he’s so concerned about how the flowers look. It isn’t some exclusive women-only club, just call them if you want a similar quality? He gets a little huffy when I try to ask about it, clearly a sensitive topic. What on earth is going on here?

      • Anan

        +1. I just asked my husband to translate the manspeak and this is exactly what he said. He’s going to the grocery store because it is the simplest place to get flowers at the last minute. And then he’s feeling bad about leaving it to the last minute. My DH suggests giving him alternative special occasion gifting suggestions that might be more inline with his impulsive gifting style.

    • Cat

      He does consider using a florist but once he realizes how much a mid-size arrangement costs, thinks “no way, OP wouldn’t want me to spend that much on something that will die” and buys inexpensive flowers… then realizes the expensive ones do in fact look better… but still doesn’t want to spend that much vs. buying something that will last longer?

      • OP

        Ha I totally imagine DH in a Groundhog Day type loop: Checks florist website. Flowers cost WHAT? No way, grocery store ftw. Boo, my flowers aren’t as good, should’ve gotten expensive flowers. ~6 months pass~ Checks website, flowers cost WHAT, etc.

      • anne-on

        This. I love flowers. I especially love garden roses, anemones, ranunculas, peonies, calla lillies, basically – the $$$ flowers. The first time my boyfriend (now husband) sent me flowers in our (then) VHCOL city I know he had total sticker shock. Same when we did our wedding flowers. I think it’s one of those ‘why do they cost so much?!?’ things for men.
        Can you tell him the names of flowers you DO like and then suggest that he pair a small bouquet of those with a less expensive filler and coordinated flower? When I buy myself flowers I’ll usually buy one bouquet of the $$ flowers, and then one bunch of color coordinated cheaper flowers (carnations, daises, hydrangeas) and one bunch of ‘filler’ (which Whole Foods literally sells as ‘filler’). Also – Whole Foods does very nice arrangements if he can be persuaded to simply go there and ask them to make him up something?

      • Vicky Austin

        This. Maybe he needs “permission” to spend the higher amount? Even though you’ve said that you’re happy to get any flowers, perhaps he still feels an obligation to you to spend your (assuming shared) money wisely, so sticks with the cheap flowers and then feels bad about the obvious difference? I would totally get hung up on that in his situation.

      • Anonymous

        This is my husband. They want to have their cake and eat it too. You can either be a cheapskate or give your wife a fancy flower arrangement. You have to pick one. They think it’s not fair that they can’t have it both ways. I have no solution.

        • Anon

          Yup, exactly this. This isn’t frankly something I would want to spend a whole lot of time comforting my husband about.

    • Anon

      My husband hates to have to talk to someone over the phone, so he orders online. While I appreciate the flowers, they aren’t typically as nice as a local florist would be and then I have to arrange them. But, apparently, speaking on the phone with someone is just too much to contemplate when he can do it online. Is it perhaps something similar where he doesn’t want to order over the phone or is hesitant to try to talk to someone about what he wants because he just doesn’t know much about flowers and is intimidated?

      • Anonymous

        Does your local florist really not do online orders? Almost every shop I’ve ever ordered from lets you do it online even in smaller cities.

        • Anon

          I’m in a rural area where even the “big cities” are really just small towns. The three local florists to my work (where he sends the flowers) do not offer online ordering.

        • Anon

          I live in a wealthy area outside of a big city and I’ve never seen a local florist do online ordering that’s not a FTD/the other giant company storefront with all the same arrangements they offer nationwide.

    • Formerly Lilly

      If there is a local, good florist, how about y’all setting up an account with them? That way he (or you) can just call and tell them what is wanted and for whom, or better yet, tell them the parameters (i.e. it’s her birthday and I’d like to spend about $80, or I need a nice plant or flowers for so-and-so’s funeral/retirement/etc) and they can give a few choices? I’m wondering if maybe it’s a fear of the unknown and of look like he doesn’t know what he’s doing, or maybe the florist isn’t conveniently located and the store is. Who knows, but whoever is ordering flowers or plants for whatever reason, it sure is easier if you have an account with them and can just call.

    • Anonymous

      Use your words? “DH, when you make a fuss about comparing your flowers to other flowers I receive, it takes away from my enjoyment of all the flowers. Next time, please do not make a fuss. I don’t need fancy flowers or any flowers, but I do need you to not make a fuss.” He’s a big boy and can google local florists if he wants to do better. It’s gross that he has repeatedly made you do the emotional work of reassuring him that his flowers are ‘good enough’.

    • Anon

      I mean, he wants to do the bare minimum and make it your problem.

      I have a very short fuse for things like this, so I would say something like “Babe. I hear that you’re sad about the flowers, but your emotions are ruining this for me. You know that I don’t care how they look, you know the name of a florist if you DO care about how they look, so you have all the tools to fix this for yourself. Please pick one and do it, and stop making me manage your feelings about my gift.”

      • AFT

        Agree with this – either he plans and pays for nicer, or gets over the fact that his flowers are less nice. It’s BS that he’s being a baby and making it about him and not your celebration.

      • AIMS

        +1.
        It sounds like he doesn’t want to spend the money on a florist. Or maybe he finds the florist intimidating? These are not problems for you to fix.

        I actually have a reverse problem where I have tried to encourage more frequent use of the local deli flowers because half the time I would prefer more random occasions of a dozen simple pretty tulips or whatever, and I have gotten nowhere. But Ive stopped complaining. Some people are stubbornly stuck in their ways. I wouldn’t make this your issue. Just enjoy all the flowers and if he complains or whines, tell him where he can get a similar arrangement.

      • Anon

        Yeah, this is a bunch of nonsense. Stop being his floral emotional support and let him feel the consequences of his decisions. He can have “cheap” or “nice”, pick one. He doesn’t get to pick “cheap” and then guilt you into thinking “nice”.

    • Anonymous

      Can there be a different gift that he gets you? If you have people in your life that give you great flowers, maybe there is something else that he can give you, where possibly he can excel in expressing his love. Maybe suggest he gives you chocolates? Or music? If he can’t compete on the flower front (for whatever reason) maybe get him to play on a different field?

    • Anon

      I don’t even know if 1 800 flowers is still around but my husband used to send me flowers from there and they were usually awful – wilted or dead, nothing like the picture. He was doing it because he got some kind of coupons in his email after he sent me the first ones, and he appreciated that he could do everything online and not have to talk to anyone.

      I finally told him after the last bouquet of roses so wilted the flowers pointed at the ground that I’d prefer not to receive flowers any more, that it was too much of an expense for something that was dead already, and I’d rather enjoy the flowers in the garden. He seemed relieved. If he gets me flowers now it’s rare and from the grocery store, but still miles better than the ones that arrive via mail.

      Since you receive flowers from other loved ones, OP, ask your husband to just stop and not get you flowers. How many bouquets do you need anyway? Maybe he could get you champagne instead.

      • Anonymous

        My husband has sent me flowers exactly twice in the 20+ years we’ve been together, both times from 1-800 flowers because he doesn’t know any better. It’s the thought that counts, I guess. I made a big deal about how nice the latest arrangement I sent my mom from Farmgirl Flowers was, but I don’t think it will make a difference.

    • Anon

      What he’s really saying is “I want to be the only one to send you flowers, and I want all of your appreciation to be directed at me.” He doesn’t want your mom and BFF “making him look bad” even though he’s making himself look bad. He doesn’t want to do more. He wants them to do less.

      This is a him problem, not a you problem, and I would stop trying to manage his emotions around it. “Thank you for the flowers” is all that is required from you. Don’t respond to the whining.

      • Anonymous

        This. He wants to be the only person who gives you flowers, and he wants you to be wildly appreciative when he buys those flowers at the grocery store.

      • PrettyLawBelle

        Omg this! I was just about to reply to another comment up thread that in his perfect world everyone else would also buy the cheaper, less nice flowers so he wouldn’t feel badly. Get over it, dude. I have very little tolerance for this attitude.

    • Anonymous

      Is he giving you flowers at the same occasions that the flowers from mom and BFF? Then he’s obviously setting himself up to fail, unless he’s willing to use a florist. Maybe he should stick to no-occasion flowers, where his grocery store flowers are the only ones present and no direct comparison can be made. Would probably be easier on you.

    • Anon

      I literally send my husband the link to the florist I like before flower buying occasions. Maybe not romantic or some will accuse me of babying him, but I get what I like that way and support the place I like.

    • Anonymous

      He’s being an entitled jerk and you’re letting him. “Your flowers are ugly because you’re lazy and cheap Dan. Idk what you want to hear from me.”

  24. Anonymous

    What color bedding would you pair with a light grey bed frame and head board, and what color rug would you put under bed? Walls are white, but will soon be painted with Benjamin Moore pale oak. Floors are American cherry. The room is pretty big, and it’s a king bed. I generally tend towards neutrals or blues/purples in life. 

    • Anonymous

      Navy would look really classic. Plum would work well too. You can totally do brighter too – it’s your bedroom!

      • Anon

        Either of those would be nice. For some reason, I’m picturing a very pale pink against the grey being nice (but definitely not everyone’s taste). And honestly? There’s a reason that crisp, white linens are so popular.

        • Vicky Austin

          I feel like a navy rug and pale pink bedding on the grey frame would be beautiful.

    • Cat

      Serena & Lily has lots of beautiful blue-patterned bedding options. I’m drooling over the one they featured with scalloped sheets in the catalog that just came out.

    • anne-on

      I like neutrals for bedding – the traditional ‘hotel’ look of a white duvet cover and plump pillows for sleeping and then ‘dramatic’ patterned lumbar pillows/shams and maybe a patterned or faux fur blanket to add texture. I’d go with white duvet (maybe with a greek key border in grey?) and then fun purple pillows. Etsy has lots of great sellers – maybe a fun schumacher? or one of these?
      https://www.etsy.com/shop/PopOColor?ref=simple-shop-header-name&listing_id=542228326&section_id=7978242

    • Anon

      I would do a colorful rug like a Persian rug or one of the modern interpretations of a Persian design (Rugs that look somewhat faded are in). That way you have several colors you can go with for bedding now and in the future. You can go one of two ways here – stick to cool colors like your gray bed and khaki family paint, or warm up the space with a rug that incorporates warmer tones like orange. Then pick a bedding color from one or more of the rug colors and it will look perfectly coordinated.

        • Anonymous

          Yes, this!
          A patterned rug (modern kelim?) with warm tones and blues, and then single colour bedding that matches.

          And remember to get bedding that looks nice with your skin. It’s nice to know that your pillows and duvet covers make you look alive and healthy.

  26. Kelsey

    My brother received a job offer to work as a surgeon for a hospital that’s affiliated with a private university. He has been working in the military for years, so he is an experienced surgeon, but this will be his first civilian job. Does anyone on this board know whether people negotiate salaries for doctor positions at hospitals? Are there other terms that are typically up for negotiation as well? Thanks.

    • anon

      People absolutely negotiate salaries for experienced surgeons. How to approach the negotiation depends somewhat on the comp structure–whether it’s base only, base + bonus, or entirely productivity based, and if productivity based, whether there’s a draw/withhold system. One-time expenses like a signing/moving bonus are also negotiable.

      At a hospital affiliated with private university, many other terms will not be negotiable. Benefits and PTO likely will be set as policies, not contract terms, and will probably be generous. If your brother will have ongoing military commitments, time off for those may be negotiable.

      If there’s a non-compete agreement, which are common in physician contracts but less common in academic settings, the length of the non-compete, the area it applies to, and when it’s non-applicable can frequently be changed.

      I recommend your brother get an experienced healthcare lawyer in the same geographic area he’ll be working in.

      • Is it Friday yet?

        +1 to all of this. To get an idea of comp ranges, look at the annual MGMA report – it breaks it down by specialty, location, experience, productivity, etc. Definitely have a healthcare attorney look the contract over, there may be other small things to negotiate (though as above, the PTO and benefits are likely standard and non-negotiable).

    • Anon

      Yes, they do. White Coat Investor might have some relevant posts that could help him.

    • Anonymous

      Earth

      Hi I can lend my two cents.
      Things to consider:
      – Am assuming he will be part of the surgeon group at the hospital.. correct me if am wrong.
      – Is he a general surgeon or specialist surgeon like vascular, colorectal?

      Most hospitals have one of the two system to pay physicians. First is fixed which means the whole group has same salary, benefits etc. Second is RVU based system. RVU is basically productivity based on criteria set by the hospital or the group.
      Physicians usually do not like to negotiate but can negotiate. I doubt that salary can be negotiated as it would impact the group dynamic. But he may be able to negotiate the sign on bonus, moving expense if moving out of town or any other perk job offer. Keep an eye out for income tax if trying to negotiate higher sign on bonus.

      Few people I know moved across country for work and negotiated moving expense( usually fixed around 5-10K). A friend and her family lived in apartment for 6 months while house hunting. Her stuff was in storage for 6 months. After negotiation, she managed to get the storage cost as well as move to new house covered.

      Hope this is helpful.

    • Anon

      Absolutely and it’s an area to be really careful in. My husband is a lawyer specializing in negotiating these for doctors.

    • test run

      Hospital administrator here and yes they definitely do. Would say to look at AAMC benchmarks in addition to MGMA because MGMA is more for private practice and an academic medical center probably will pay closer to AAMC rates. Other things they can negotiate are: moving expenses, CME/travel annual expenses (for conferences, etc.), dedicated admin support, guaranteed bonuses for the first 1-3 years (depending on length of the contract), amount of protected time for research/admin/education work (if relevant). Usually number of vacation days and other benefits are set in stone by the university, but are frequently very generous for physicians anyways.

  27. Annelise

    Suggestions for a trip for 2 sisters in their 20s, both fully vaccinated, a less than 3 hr trip (flight or train) from NYC, in May?

    • Marie

      Not sure what your interests are, but Connecticut wine trail and spa trip could be fun. If you want to add some nightlife and gambling, you could stay in near/at Foxwoods or Mohegan, catch a show and do the casino thing, but also have access to wineries and a nice spa day.

    • EJ

      I’ve been seeing Dr. Chang at Integrated Dermatology for years. She books up quickly and I’m not sure if she is personally taking new patients. There are multiple providers in the practice and they have two locations.

      • DC pandas

        +1 I saw Victoria Hatfield at integrated derm about a month ago for a last-minute appointment for a painful cyst near my groin. They were super professional- provided a few different treatment options to my problem. I also was able to get my full body check in the same appointment.

  29. paging laww to marketing poster

    A poster replied late in the thread yesterday about making the switch from law to comms/marketing. I replied last night but not sure if they saw it, so re-posting.

    I’m a marketer. I thought about becoming a lawyer, enough that I went and listened to public proceedings for a day, started studying for the LSAT, etc. I determined that law wasn’t for me when I realized that it didn’t actually entail standing in front of a courtroom/jury presenting facts and arguing. Even litigators seem to spend a lot of time buried in paperwork, alone. I hate being alone and I hate paperwork. Thus, I decided law school/the legal profession wasn’t for me.

    So, I would ask: what do you dislike about law and what do you think you like about comms/marketing? What kind of comms/marketing do you think would be most interesting and utilize transferrable skills? Because there’s actually a lot of differences between comms and marketing, and then a wide span within each of those fields. There’s a big difference between internal and external comms, Pr, media relations, executive speechwriting, etc. (and I’m not even in comms, so those are just the distinctions I know about). And marketing is a whole field, ranging from research to creative to analytics to writing to strategy, etc.!

    Happy to chat more about my career path and what my day-to-day looks like if you want to post a burner email. I can’t speak to the career change, but I can tell you what I do/how I got here and that might help you think about whether that sounds interesting and worth it to you.

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