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Updated: Mar 5, 2021 469 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Fall Refresh Fancy Ashley Woven Scallop Top

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This scalloped crepe blouse looks like an elevated version of a comfy t-shirt that could serve a variety of purposes this summer. I like the saturated “neon berry” color, but it also comes in royal blue, mint, and black. I would wear this with a navy or gray suit (for some reason, pairing neon colors with black just never looks right tome), or with printed ankle pants on the weekend.

The top is $56 and comes in sizes XS–XXL. Fall Refresh Fancy Ashley Woven Scallop Top

A plus-size option is from Kasper — it's available in sizes 1X–3X and is on sale for $20.99. 

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anon

    What kind of exercise routine did you have while pregnant? Did you follow a specific program designed for pregnancy? Did you do any prenatal yoga? I’m early along and am curious to hear recommendations.

    • Anon

      I did prenatal yoga, mostly from YouTube videos. I did some prenatal pilates but stopped because even with a prenatal specific program I started coning. As I got further along my joints got really loose and painful. I stopped going for walks, etc. I kind of fell off the exercise wagon for the most part but still had a very easy delivery.

    • Doodles

      Prenatal yoga has been great. I started at 8 weeks pregnant at a once a week class. Literally the women in the class were the first to know I was pregnant (other than husband and doctor). It’s made this second pregnancy much easier than my first even though I’m a few years older and now have a toddler. My in person class is canceled but the instructor is doing Zoom classes during our regular time slot. Also walking a ton helped with sciatica pain. Treadmill in the winter and evening walks in warm weather.

    • Clementine

      I took a specific pregnancy core class taught by a PT who does a lot of pelvic floor work. I really attribute it to how easy my delivery was. 10/10 would recommend. She also did a lot of teaching on how to identify and help heal a diastisis and what to look for in signs of pelvic floor issues.

      I was in very good shape pre-pregnancy but had to stop running earlier than I wanted to. I took lots of long walks. In the end, I had terrifying, one in a million complications and being in such good baseline shape is probably what saved my life (medical opinion, not just my gut).

      • NYC

        Any chance you’re in the NYC area? I’m looking for a class like this in Manhattan.

    • Anonymous

      Swimming!

      I swam at the same time a high school team had their workouts and I got a lot of side eye (OMG she is knocked up!!!). I just mentally chucked.

      • anon

        I swam in both my pregnancies, including 2-3 days before delivery. It really helped with the feet and leg swelling in late pregnancy, and made it much less painful. I always felt better after a swim.

        When I had just a little bump, I called myself a mama dolphin and when I got big, I was a mama whale. Just a little humor to get me through.

        I also walked a ton.

    • Mrs. Jones

      I just continued my regular exercise routine until 10 days before baby was born. My doctor said ok as long as I was comfortable.

    • cbackson

      I added prenatal yoga, but otherwise I stuck with my normal exercise (cycling and running) until the third trimester. In the third trimester my balance was too off for cycling and I started to have cramps while running, so now I’m walking for an hour each day.

      I use SaraBeth Yoga, which has a lot of prenatal videos.

    • Anon

      I continued running until a few days before I gave birth. Runs were shorter and slower than they were pre-pregnancy.

      I did a lot of side planks and prenatal kettlebell workouts, the latter found on YouTube.

      Ended up needing a C-section, so I cannot comment on delivery, but my recovery was a lot faster than it should have been. It was really nice to be able to go out for walks in the park with the stroller a week after birth. I did not have any swelling during pregnancy, minimal back pain, and gained the recommended amount of weight. Blood pressure stayed low, no gestational diabetes.

      One pregnancy does not a clinical trial make, but I think exercise during pregnancy is incredibly underrated. Don’t be an idiot and go skiing or run a marathon in Death Valley, but do most of what you did before pregnancy.

      • Pure Imagination

        A lot of women still ski in pregnancy, actually! Some run marathons too, although Death Valley marathons sound like the actual worst.

        • Anon

          The problem with skiing is falling on your abdomen and injuring your child.

          I ran a half marathon at five months pregnant, and the problem with doing much more than that is 1) overheating the body, which can harm the baby, and 2) hydration and nutritional issues.

          Whatever point you think you’re making, you’re just fighting this for the sake of being a pain. Cut it out.

          • Anon

            +1 skiing while pregnant is dangerous. Take it from a mom who had a placental abruption (one of the things that can happen if you fall when skiing), it is not something you want to risk

          • Pure Imagination

            I simply reported the fact that many women continue to ski during pregnancy (and run longer than half-marathon distance). I think you’re the one who is starting a needless fight.

          • anon

            Some women also do drugs while pregnant but that doesn’t mean it isn’t irresponsible to even subtly suggest that its ok because other people do it.

          • Anon

            Agree that lots of women continue to do endurance sports during pregnancy and go on to have healthy babies. Women are capable of so much more than the naysayers would have you believe. You have to listen to your body and be aware of your skill level and the risks.

          • Anon

            PI, this is why people don’t like you. There comes a point at which your activities run a real risk of harming your child. That point actually exists, and your cute little hand-waves do not change reality.

          • Anon

            Mean girls go away. Pure Imagination stated a simple fact, not an opinion, and you’ve all jumped on it just to be jerks. It’s honestly so pathetic and lame and I wish you would all stop. It drags the entire site down.

          • anon athlete

            Multiple pregnant women ran the Olympic Marathon trials. When it comes to endurance sports, a great deal depends on what your baseline is. If you’re already an elite marathon runner and you’re having a normal pregnancy, it’s a different situation than if you’re someone for whom the marathon distance is a stretch or someone who is having complications.

            Signed, a semipro endurance athlete and pregnant woman.

          • Anon

            Anon athlete, care to share more? It would be awesome to see some specific examples of what a real-life reader is doing! What’s your sport?

          • anon athlete

            Okay, without getting into too much detail that might out me, I’m a cyclist, who races mostly domestically but also internationally. I specialize in an endurance (rather than skills) type of racing. I don’t have a pro license but I’m successful enough that I have some sponsorship. I raced until the end of my first trimester (including one overseas race) – I intended to race until about halfway through my second, but all my events were cancelled due to covid.

            Crashing is not a big risk in the particular type of racing I specialize in and I’m generally considered a very good bike handler, so I wasn’t worried about that. I do some racing in other categories for fun and a couple of those are more crash-y; I dropped out of those races.

            My racing was fairly unaffected in the first trimester but by the second everything was tougher and mid-second I started to have a lot of issues with Braxton-Hicks and cramping, so I probably wouldn’t have been racing anymore even if the season hadn’t been cancelled. I found running easier for some reason (I’ve always run a bit as cross-training), so I switched over to mostly doing that, and now I’m just walking (but I’m only a few weeks from delivery).

            My doctors have been fully supportive given that I was starting from a point of very high fitness. I found my body self-limited pretty effectively – I could tell when I needed to pull back, rest more, etc. Hydration is tough in pregnancy because you do need more fluids generally and you’re already burning more in an endurance sport so you have to stay SUPER on top of it. That was the biggest thing I struggled with. But generally my pregnancy has been easy and complication-free. I’m really looking forward to getting back on the bike, although how soon that is possible will depend a lot on how my delivery and recovery goes, obviously.

          • Anon

            That’s awesome!! You sound level-headed and like you’ll be a great mom. Sorry your races all got cancelled.

          • Anon

            I made a ridiculously anodyne point: it’s possible to engage in sports while pregnant in a way that is harmful, but that’s on the level of a marathon across Death Valley.

            Anon athlete, you should be aware that two of the women who ran in the Olympic trials did not finish; one ran 8 miles, the other, 13. The third woman did over a minute per mile slower than she did for her qualifying time. Is there any reason you declined to include those important facts?

          • Anon

            Why do those points matter? Some women will DNF marathons, pregnant or not. Yes, they will be slower – who cares? Plenty of elite runners have completed marathons or (*gasp*) ultramarathons while pregnant.

          • anon athlete

            Yup, a couple of them DNF’d and one was “slow” (i.e., faster than you or I). A number of non-pregnant people (men and women both!) DNF’d that race too. It’s a thing that happens and it doesn’t mean that it’s inherently unsafe for an elite runner to run the marathon distance during pregnancy.

            I won a race and podium’d in two others during my pregnancy. How’s that fact for you?

        • Vicky Austin

          My mom skied when she was pregnant with me! I actually have her ticket from that day.

        • ArenKay

          My OB explicitly warned me about skiing and boarding (and she was generally very pro exercise otherwise). She said the kinds of falls you can have on slopes can be traumatic for the fetus. Seemed sensible.

          • Senior Attorney

            Ha not to mention traumatic for the mother!

            Signed,

            Broke my ankle on the bunny slope in a private lesson

          • Anon

            Yeah, I’m no shrinking violet (I was rock climbing indoors until the third trimester) but skiing is one of the activities you should avoid.

          • anon

            This. Please please please don’t ski or board while pregnant but definitely get exercise!

          • Anon

            +1 my OB was exactly the same – pro-exercise, anti-skiing because of the fall risk. I have a couple friends who skiied while pregnant and honestly I side-eyed them hard. Just because you CAN do something doesn’t mean you should.

        • anon

          OK, it’s really awesome when people can do this — mad respect to you; I’m a little envious — but I don’t want any woman to feel like she’s “failed” if she can’t handle intense exercise while pregnant. I sure couldn’t, and at least with my first kid, I was in excellent shape prior to becoming pregnant. I felt like garbage throughout both of my full-term pregnancies, starting with intense barfing for the first 14 weeks, a brief lull of OK-ish, followed by lots of aches/pains/sciatica/fatigue you name it. If I could walk around the block a few times, that felt like a victory. It really did a number on me mentally because I’d always envisioned myself as someone who would be a fit pregnant person. I was not.

      • Anon

        That’s great, but as you said one pregnancy does not a clinical trial make. I was at a healthy weight before pregnancy, continued exercising throughout pregnancy and added a bunch of ab exercises such as planks, gained the recommended amount of weight, and still had gestational hypertension leading to preeclampsia. Of course exercise is good during pregnancy, but please don’t think those of us who had complications brought it on ourselves.

        • Anon

          Good thing I did not say that and do not assume that. Exercise reduces risk of those things. Reduction does not equal elimination.

          Bye-bye.

    • AnonATL

      I ran through my first trimester and then stopped because I had some pelvic pain and blood pressure issues. After that, it has been long walks daily and prenatal yoga from random internet sources. I’ve never been much of a swimmer, but have heard that’s great.
      I’m in my third trimester now and have been doing a lot of poses and stretches that are supposed to help get the baby into optimal birth position. Check out spinning babies if you want exercises/stretches for specific pregnancy ailments.
      Generally, I would keep up whatever you were doing before getting pregnant or take up some gentle cardio like swimming/walking unless your doc advises otherwise. Yoga has also been great, especially on those days my hips or back are extra sore.
      Staying active and moving throughout this pregnancy, even if at a much slower pace than pre-pregnancy, has helped me keep my energy up and pain down.

    • Pure Imagination

      My best friend is pregnant and has enjoyed Crossfit (at home), barre, yoga, and Peloton. She has started modifying more moves as she enters the third trimester, though.

      • Pure Imagination

        I should add that her level of physical activity has not stopped her doctors from assuming that, since she is obese, she sits on the couch and eats Ding Dongs all day. Sigh.

        • Anonymous

          I am so sorry, I have had this happen as well. I hike, walk and swim but the doctors seem to assume I am making it all up because I am still shaped like my peasant forebears. I also had someone tell me to stop eating fried food and red meat, which was hilarious because I am a vegetarian who hates fried food.

    • New Here

      I was doing BodyAttack before I got pregnant (2x week) and continued to do so until about 32 weeks. I modified and started doing lower impact moves as needed.

      We walked our dogs pretty much daily. I did prenatal yoga from YouTube. I also did a few Fit4Baby classes through my local Fit4Mom chapter.

      I’ve discovered BodyFit by Amy on YouTube during our time at home and have been doing her post-natal workouts. She has TONS of prenatal ones…I wish I’d known about her while I was pregnant!

    • NYCer

      I ran twice per week for about 20-25 min, and did barre class twice per week. My last run was around 34 weeks, my last barre class was the day before the baby was born. I walked as much as I could throughout.

      I went to a handful of prenatal yoga classes but never enjoyed them.

  2. Exec Order

    For those of us (hi!) who are ignorant to the legal process here, what are the chances Trump’s executive order against Twitter etc stands? I assume it will be challenged in federal court? How do you see this playing out from a procedural standpoint?

    • Pure Imagination

      I’m eager for responses from lawyers too. THIS is the real slide into authoritarianism we should be worried about, not requirements to wear masks in public spaces. I do think tech has progressed too much for Trump to do all he craves – you can’t put this genie back in a bottle and stop encrypted messaging, mass movements on Twitter, etc.

    • Anon

      I was just reading about this and I’m curious how it plays with Citizens United. If corporations can have free speech rights, then why can’t a social media company have political bias? What’s funny is most liberals I know think Twitter (particularly its founder) skews conservative already.

      I also don’t understand how the justice dept can be tasked with suing companies with anti-conservative bias only and not also addressing anti-liberal bias.

        • Anonymous

          A panel of judges, including one appointed by Trump, held that a conservative group’s challenge to Twitter’s purported censorship fails because the First Amendment protects against the government’s interference with speech, but Twitter is a private actor.

          The Executive Order recognizes that problem and instead asks the FCC and consumer protection agencies to look at the Twitter TOS. So this is going to go nowhere fast. It’s just the usual Trump Sue the Bastards B.S.

  3. Not a physicist

    Spouse will close the bathroom door and leave the fan on, claiming it creates negative pressure and will vent the smells sooner that way. I think that is . . . nutty. The door shuts, but there is space below it to glide across the floor, so it does not seal. And I think that specialized hospitals and maybe research places may have negative pressure units, but probably don’t use a contractor-grade exhaust fan from the Home Despot. All I know is that when you want to pour the whole giant can of V-8, you better punching two holes in it vs one (like if air can flow in, V-8 pours out much faster). Both of our degrees are in the humanities. The smells that spouse makes are suggestive of huge amounts of sulfur or somesuch. The fan is valiant. I think that slightly cracking the door (vs shutting it) would move more air more quickly through what is a fairly small (5×5?) space.

    • Airplane.

      Do you…only have one bathroom? I guess to me this doesn’t matter who is right, just use the other bathroom and neither of you should be bothered that the other has the opposite view of this bathroom fan issue.

      • Anonymous

        Are you . . . unfamiliar with the fact that many of us only have one bathroom? I’d just using a different one we’re a solution she wouldn’t need to ask.

        • anon

          Right? Not everyone (even high achieving women with decent salaries) live in spacious townhouses/homes.

          • LaurenB

            One-stop shopping for both bathroom privilege and bathroom shaming! Since it’s a guy stinking up the place, we can add the patriarchy …

      • Airplane.

        I responded this way because 1) she isn’t even asking for advice about how to get rid of the smell and 2) she didn’t mention there is only one bathroom. The entire post is about who is right and about negative pressure and venting of air in a bathroom (?!) and not about a practical solution – how to get rid of the smell or just using another bathroom. This is the wrong approach to this problem with your spouse. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

      • No Face

        It really is effective! I got cheap recently and just put matches in the bathrooms. Also very effective.

      • Pompom

        My husband, who IS a physicist (to OP’s username), uses and loves this. As do I when he uses it.

    • Anonymous

      Poo pouri, matches, and that orange? Citrus? Air freshener that neutralizes odors.

    • Smarty-f

      IS THIS REALLY IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW?!

      just kidding. Bathroom smells are always urgent

      • Anonymous

        When you are at home 24/7 and WFH in perpetuity, I cannot think of a more urgent QOL question to address.

    • Anon

      Close the door to contain the smell. But fwiw, it’s not like the bathroom is airtight when the door is closed. The crack under the door allows for air to be drawn into the bathroom. Not my area of expertise but you could possibly (?) test for negative pressure by turning on the fan, closing the door, and then maybe holding up to the crack a thin piece of 1-ply tp to see which way it moves or maybe lick your finger and hold it there to sense the airflow direction.

    • Anon

      Shutting the for *is* like punching a whole in each side of the can – the crack under the door and the fam venting through the ceiling. Leaving the door ajar is more like punching one hole in the bottom and then slitting all along one side. That’ll clear the room faster, but only because the smell has more places to go since some is flowing into the rest of the house.

    • Anon

      Get an air freshener type product (I like the gel beads; essential oil branded type are less likely to smell bad themselves in my experience).

      Bathroom fans often do very little whether the door is open or shut, though I agree with you that open is better.

      He may also want to see a doctor… PCPs can be a bit cavalier about mundane, painless symptoms of digestive disturbance, but digesting food poorly can cause both awful smells and also problems with adsorption of certain vitamins and minerals, and most PCPs are willing to check for the latter.

    • MarieCurie

      Bathroom fans typically vent outside. However, I guarantee you are not creating a negative pressure with a small bathroom fan with a gap under the door. The choice is between the smell slowly venting outside via the fan or to quickly dissipating into the house via the open bathroom door. As a physicist with a challenging digestive tract, I have no good answers – but I’m thinking of trying pooperi based on the previous posters recommendation.

    • CountC

      I have no idea re: your actual question but the Home Despot typo (or maybe not?) made my morning!!

    • Anonymous

      I also have a stinky husband. Close the bathroom door while the fan is on. If you open the door, the smell will disperse to the rest of the house. Get a Hamilton Beach TrueAir plug-mounted charcoal filter.

    • Cat

      Is your problem (1) you want to avoid having the smell trail him out of the bathroom and through the house, cropduster style, or (2) you want the bathroom itself to be less, erm, concentrated quickly? If (1) then close the door and turn the fan on, if (2) leave it wide open. A box fan pointing in the direction where the smell will be least disruptive can also help… like if you’re both working in the living room, point the fan towards the bedroom. (signed, lived in a 1BR 1BA condo with interior bathroom for a decade)

      • Anon

        My husband thinks that solves the problem too, but to my more sensitive nose, now the bathroom just smells like sh1t and sulphur.

        • Senior Attorney

          Haha somebody needs to start some men’s accessories line called Sh1t & Sulpher, to compete with Carbon & Cobalt.

          • HousecounseI

            I will never be able to look at a Carbon & Cobalt catalog again without thinking of that!

      • Anonymous

        +1 This REALLY works for me. The burning match smell goes away in a matter of just a few minutes. If you lit a match AND turned on the fan and closed the door, you’d totally be golden.

    • Anonymous

      OP here. Thanks all! It matters now b/c the bathroom is WFH office-adjacent and I hate being fumed out of it. We also had to replace the fan a year ago b/c leaving it on with the door shut resulted in no one turning it off over an away-weekend :(, so I want to avoid having that happen now. Poo-pouri it will be (and until then: matches).

      • Sutemi

        We replaced the bathroom fan switch with one on a timer, makes it even simpler to set it for 15 minutes and not worry about leaving it on all day.

    • Anon

      My ex did this so he could vape in secret. No real advice other than to pay attention if it suddenly smells like shit and menthol instead of just shit.

  4. Anon

    Has anyone seen statistics/stories about covid infections/spread in daycare settings?

    I know there was an Australian school study awhile back, but with so many daycares open (for essential workers’ kids, or just because they never closed) I wanted to see if there was any daycare data (or anecdotes). I haven’t heard anything, and I feel like if an entire daycare was taken down by covid it would have made the news?

    • Cb

      Emily Oster has had some good newsletters on Covid in childcare settings. I haven’t heard anything about it here in the UK, and in England, nurseries will reopen next week so it’s something to keep an eye on.

    • Never too many shoes...

      There have certainly been sporadic stories. In Quebec, a daycare opened for the children of essential workers had to close after 12/27 kids came down with Covid as well as 4 workers. One in Toronto was also closed after 11 staff and 4 kids tested positive.

      • anon

        I’ve seen sporadic stories but it doesn’t seem like there’s widespread issues with daycare. Businesses that are open seem to have much more issues.

        • Never too many shoes...

          I should have mentioned that our daycares are all closed – on the ones for essential service workers are in operation.

          • anon

            Makes sense for clarifying but I’d take that as actually a good sign that there have only been sporadic stories given that kids of essential service workers are far far more likely to be exposed/bring it into the daycare.

        • Anon

          My Midwest state never ordered daycares to close and about 75% of them stayed open (either for all families or just for essential workers), and as best I can tell (I have been actively searching for news stories about it regularly) there have been outbreaks in daycares in the state.

    • anonn

      I live in a metropolitan area in the mid west of around 600K people, daycares were never shut down. No outbreaks linked to daycares. Caveat that when the stay at home order came many voluntarily closed and enrollment dramatically dropped at those that stayed open. We’ll really know in a few weeks I guess…

    • AFT

      I look forward to reading the links provided. My understanding is that asymptomatic (not PREsymptomatic) people don’t transmit very much (or at all?), and that kids are often asymptomatic. Presymptomatic people (so those infected who are not yet experiencing symptoms but will) are highly risky as spreaders.
      So… maybe wishful thinking in hopes that schools will reopen, but if that’s all true, maybe schools aren’t as risky as initially thought?

  5. Anon

    Good morning everyone. I have a question for those of you that take or have taken Zoloft. I will be asking my doc about this too. I recently had to up my dose from 25 to 50 mg. I realize this is still a very low dose. I am someone whose depression can present with constant tiredness. I’m not sure if I’m exhausted by that or if it’s a reaction to the higher dose of Zoloft. My doc previously said some people have to take it in the AM and some people have to take it in the PM based on when it causes you to feel awake or sleepy. It is different in everyone. I’m afraid of trying it at night and not being able to sleep or feeling even more tired than I already do during the day. I can’t stop yawning and just want to sleep. I’m curious how many of you take it in the AM and how many of you take it in the PM.

    • Anon

      I take 25 mg daily right before bed. How long ago did you switch? It can take a few weeks to adjust. I’ve been on this dose for years. I remember the first few weeks being difficult, but after that I haven’t really noticed a difference in my energy or tiredness.

      Good luck!

    • Anon

      Honestly, if your depression presents as constant tiredness, I’d strongly suggest trying Wellbutrin, unless there’s a medical reason against it. I’ve never taken Zoloft so I can’t give any advice there, but had to stop a different SSRI because it made my constant exhaustion much worse and it took a long time to recognize it. Wellbutrin made a huge difference. I think it did make me slightly more anxious, but the difference in energy level was completely worth it.

      • anon

        +1

        I’ve taken both zoloft and wellbutrin and I’d takr wellbutrin hands down over zoloft any day. My depression can also make me lethargic and zoloft basically put me to sleep. I felt emotionally stable and it zapped all anxiety (including very reasonable anxiety– unemployment/career related–to the point where that didn’t feel right either) but I just spent hours in bed. Wellbutrin makes me feel more upbeat, motivated and energized to actually go about my life. My emotional range is broader, including negative emotions, than on zoloft, but that feels more genuine to me.

      • Anon

        I’ll keep that in mind but I also take it for anxiety and Wellbutrin can make that worse I believe.

        • Anon

          My psychiatrist said Wellbutrin can be great for anxiety but only after 6-8 weeks of making it worse. This was my experience (it did eventually start helping!), but that ramp up period was rough.

          • Sloan Sabbith

            Mine said the same. It was not great for awhile but I had lamotrigine to balance the anxiety (which it isn’t necessarily designed for but works for me) and Ativan if I needed it. Now I feel much better than I did on Zoloft and so much less tired.

          • anne-on

            I was NOT told that, started Wellbutrin in January, and now my anxiety in January/February (pre-pandemic) make SO much more sense. Ugh. At least it’s much better (comparatively) now.
            It sounds minor but I have not had a single panic attack during this pandemic, which is probably my longest stretch not having one in like 7 years?

      • Anon

        +1 And for me it happened almost immediately, like within a few days. I know it’s supposed to take a couple of weeks, so maybe it was just a placebo effect? But Wellbutrin has been a life saver for me.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        +1 Wellbutrin can be activating, so it isn’t always great for anxiety, but I take it plus a low dose of lamotrigine and it works really well. I was on Zoloft for a long time but I gained SO much weight, which really really really did not help the depression.

    • Anon

      I’ve been on Zoloft for several years now, and recently went from 25mg to 50mg. My depression is such that it also makes me quite tired. I’ve always taken my dose at night before going to sleep; it works for me (even with the higher dose).

    • Anon

      I would put my money on it being the Zoloft. Zoloft can be very sedating. And I wasn’t prescribed it for depression, so I didn’t have to wonder whether it was depression or Zoloft making me so tired. My psychiatrist also doubled my dose to see if that would make it work better. I would just say be attentive and make sure you are happy with its effects at the higher dose.

    • Anonymous

      I take the same dose at night and haven’t noticed any issues with sleep or tiredness.

      To piggyback on your question, has anyone at this dose had weight gain (and all in the mid-section)? Wondering if I should switch to something else or go off altogether. I’m afraid the weight will keep piling on if I stay on it…and afraid it won’t come pouring off when I come off it. Sigh.

      • Anon

        I’m the OP. Looks like I should switch my dose to bedtime. I have gained 10-15 pounds since starting it but I was a low normal weight to begin with and now I’m more average weight. Its in my boobs, butt and mid section. I have other reasons I may have gained weight though, including injuries that left me sedentary for 6 weeks. Plus the pandemic work from home situation has everyone gaining weight too. I can’t say if it was the Zoloft or not. I have been very active the last few weeks though and haven’t dropped any weight which is a bit disheartening but I see myself getting physically much stronger and what looked a little flabby is looking toned and muscular so I’ll take it.

        • Anon

          Yeah so I recently stepped from 50mg to 75mg and then up to 100mg of Zoloft. I’ve gained weight recently too, but I think being sedentary/WFH/drinking and baking more is the culprit. If you really want to lose weight I would suggest using an app like MyFitnessPal to track what you’re eating, but also try to focus on your increasing strength, because that’s most important anyway!

      • Anon

        I took Zoloft for about 2.5 years. I loved much of it, but ultimately went off it because of the weight gain. I probably gained 15% of my weight and I continued to exercise and eat relatively healthy (I’ve never been a saint in the food consumption department). My anxiety came back big time and then I went on Effexor. I’ve been on Effexor for about 3 months and I love it. No weight gain (maybe some weight loss- I would like to get back to my original weight) and anxiety reduced/eliminated. Some people don’t do as well on Effexor, but I haven’t had any side effects For comparison, I was on 50 mcg of Zoloft and am on a lose dose of Effexor. My weight gain was not localized to my abdomen.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        If it’s making you gain weight, and that bothers you, switch. I was on it and just kept gaining weight- 25 pounds when I stopped, even though I was working out and eating and doing everything right. Most of it came off within a few weeks of stopping and switching to Wellbutrin, although not all of it.

    • anon

      You can tell Zoloft make YOU sleepy, so it really does make sense for you to take it at night. As a compromise, you could also try taking it in the evening, rather than bedtime–at 5 when you quit work, or whenever you daytime responsibilities soften.

      I understand your concerns, and how frustrating it is to hear the dr say that maybe it will be one way, or maybe it will be exactly the opposite. But they say that for exactly the situation you are in, so that you can recognize your reaction and take advantage of your options.

    • Anon

      OP here with another question. Anyone else get TERRIBLE smelling gas on Zoloft? I have a GI already but this issue coincided with me starting Zoloft. Could be unrelated ….

      • Anon

        Zoloft made me lactose intolerant for about a year. Apparently it’s a common side effect.

        • Sloan Sabbith

          Huh, I wonder if this is why lactose intolerance started randomly and seems to not be an issue now.

    • Anon for This

      Another issue is how recently did you up your does? I am just starting, but my first few days at the higher level have been bumpy.

    • Anon

      OP here again: Thanks everyone. Seeing my doc Monday morning. Lots to discuss.

  6. anon

    Information on School Openings in the Rest of the World?

    Good morning everyone!

    In an effort to feel more proactive rather than just complaining about stuff right now, I’d like to start reaching out to our local officials to urge them to start planning now for reopening schools in the fall. I think education of our children is vitally important and seems to be last on the list of priorities right now which is really really sad. But of course I want schools to open safely. I understand that the bulk of the world has already or is in the process of having kids return to school so I feel like there should be a good amount of information for the US to model from based on how things are going elsewhere but I am having a hard time finding information on exactly what other countries are doing or what is working or not working in other countries. Search engine results seem to bring up a bunch of pretty dated articles talking about plans to return to school but I’m having trouble finding recent information. I think such information would be helpful in my outreach efforts. Any tips?

    • Anon

      Search “[country name] school reopening” and you will find info. Virtually all countries except the US have gone back or are doing so soon.

      • anonshmanon

        I read the same yesterday and it’s just false. The UK has not published any plans. Spain has not. Italy has not. ‘Virtually all countries’ is an exaggeration. Many countries are running pilots with a fraction of kids. Korea is bringing high schoolers back. France has started with elementary school, and already has closed some of these schools again due to outbreaks. Germany is starting with older teens, but all young kids remain at home. The Netherlands are prioritizing preschoolers.

        • Cb

          England is supposed to open up for some key grades next week, but the teachers’ unions and the medical associations are trying to push back, saying it isn’t yet safe to do so. Scotland isn’t expected to open schools until August, when the new school year starts.

          • Ribena

            I wouldn’t use England as a model at all. Currently experiencing its own dont-drink-bleach furore. (Search ‘Barnard Castle eye test’).
            (Cb, I know you know this, but people across the pond may not)

          • Ribena

            I’m never sure how much our day to day ridiculousness is shown in international news!

        • Anon

          I didn’t say they had already opened, I said they were open or planning to open. Literally no first world country that I know of is just giving up on having in-person school the way the US is.

          • Anonymous

            Um – where do you read your news? Pretty much every country has written off the school year. Even places that are considering going back are doing it for a limited number of students in a limited way and only doing so after MUCH lower # of cases than the US has. No one has gone back to school or even suggested going back to school with anything close to US current case numbers per capita.

          • Anonymous

            The US has not given up on in person school at all. Much of the country ends school in late May early June. It makes sense not to reopen for a week. In the northeast we often go to the end of June but also have been hotspots so aren’t opening.

            Isolated districts plan to start the year at home. Education leaders across the country are working very hard to figure out how to safely reopen.

    • Anonymous

      First thing to do is know who the relevant local official are. Where I live, people complain to the mayor and city council and county commissioners all the time and none of these run the actual schools. There is a local school board and an elected state-wide school head. Each school also has a principal. The principal of my kids’ current school is an idiot, so I have dim hopes for the fall. All of the stars need to align. Also, our school district is very all-or-nothing, so if there is a flake of snow somewhere in our very large geographically varied county, all schools, even urban ones that people walk to, are shut, sometimes for days. People are discouraged from going to schools to shovel snow on the rare times we have accumulations (which has to give a hoot to citizens, maybe 50% of whom are transplants from parts of the US that get real winter, own shovels, and are OK with self-help).

    • HousecounseI

      I have three kids, two in college and one in private elementary, and all three schools are focused on nothing but plans for returning to school. I get emails almost daily about their progress. I’d be shocked if your local schools aren’t all over this.

      My kids’ colleges haven’t announced their plans yet, but I am seeing what might be a trend of starting in mid-August, going straight through to Thanksgiving, then sending everyone home until January or even February.

      • anon

        I assure you, they are not. Even my teacher friends have no idea what is going on. I suspect your schools are focused on this since you may not be paying tuition if they didn’t have a solid plan or at least an appearance to be planning.

        • anon8

          My mom is an elementary school teacher. The district is talking about different plans on how to re-open for the next school year. One model had groups coming in Mon/Wed and Tue/Thur with Friday off. Another one is having students in Mon/Tue and Thur/Fri with Wednesday off. She works in a fairly big district and it’s a real challenge trying to come up with a model that works best for student’s education and keeping everyone safe. It’s not easy and I don’t envy their job one bit.

          • anon

            Yep, you’re totally right! Internet stranger must know more about the situation in our district than the parents reaching out for information and being told they are “waiting to see how the situation evolves and guidance from [relevant more senior government agencies]” and teachers who are in staff meetings where questions are asked and being answered with similar responses.

            And even if there is planning being done it doesn’t change my question, which is, how can I positively influence that planning with actual science/information?

          • School Administrator

            Hi Anon, in regards to your question of how you can “positively influence that planning with actual science/information”– direct your information to your state or local government, which has FAR more power to determine your district’s plans this fall than the school itself. Believe me, we ARE planning (I’ve been doing almost nothing but the last two weeks), but our plans are completely at the mercy of what our state decides, so a lot is up in the air.

            And we are using “science and information” to inform our plans, in case you were worried. We speak with our county public health officials and our local hospitals on a weekly basis, as are our neighboring districts.

          • anon

            Thanks School Administrator! To clarify, my point on science and information wasn’t that I don’t think administrators are considering those things, just that a very vocal contingent on internet parent boards in our area tend to be of the very fear-monger type and I know a lot of those parents are very vocal to school administrators, board of education, etc. so I am hoping to have more parents write in from a place of science rather than fear so that those making decisions aren’t only hearing from parents who seem terrified to let their kids out of their house before there is a vaccine and assume that those parents are a greater portion of the population than they actually are.

          • School Administrator

            Ah, then in that case, voice your ideas at (virtual) school board meetings, and encourage others who are like-minded to do the same. Seems most communities have that very vocal contingent group of ill-informed people who hijack the conversation, good luck!

        • Anonymous

          I’m a teacher. I don’t know what my district’s plans are, but I do know that a district-wide committee (including teachers, parents and administrators) are working on it. It’s going to take a tremendous amount of planning for multiple possible scenarios. They won’t announce plans until they are more solidified. I’m pretty confident that this is the case in the majority of districts, even if the plans haven’t been made public.

        • Administrator

          Hello, high school administrator in Illinois here. We are focusing nearly all of our time right now on (many) contingency plans, but the tricky part is that our plans are 100% dependent on whatever the state decides to mandate, so there’s no real ability to make any plans concrete. Believe me, we’ve been in loads of meetings and have been talking with neighboring districts about our approach. I guarantee your district is too, teachers just might not be looped into these conversations because they’re so theoretical right now.

      • Anon

        Not OP but my local schools have told us they’re waiting on the governor to make a decision about in-person instruction and they can’t do anything until the (Republican, fwiw) governor gives them the green light. It’s totally unclear when/if that will happen. College is very different – even public universities have much more autonomy than K-12 schools and private schools can do whatever they want as long as they aren’t violating any laws. I’m in a college town and it seems quite likely at this point the (public) university will open (with the calendar you mentioned) while the state’s K-12 schools remain shut, which will be bizarre and frustrating.

        • Anonymous

          Have a kid at University of South Carolina. No fall break and kids will go home and stay there after Thanksgiving (remote finals again, etc.). I think that that is a good and cautious approach to minimize travel. Not sure how SEC football will be or bars / Five Points. But you’ve got to try something, no? They opened for summer work (maybe just grad students doing research? not involved in this at all) with masks, etc.

          Liberty U is a school with a different vibe than USC, but IIRC they did not send kids home after spring break and did remote instruction on-campus with no outbreak, which is potentially another option (esp. for schools that have a more nation-wide and international student body). I suspect a lot will be learned on the fly.

          • busybee

            Anonymous at 10:29, how was Liberty’s way a failure? They did, in fact, put social distancing limits in place. The WSJ had a piece fairly recently explaining how the numbers of infected students and staff at Liberty was in fact quite low. By “failure” I would think you meant that the school had no safety implements in place and was a hotbed of disease, but my research just now indicates that is not the case at all. I’m no fan of Liberty or its politics but I don’t see how this was a failure…sweetie.

          • Anonymous

            IDK — kids would probably prefer to stay on campus with remote instruction once they move back vs remote instrux at mom’s house.

          • LaurenB

            OMG are you kidding? Liberty U got tons of negative press because they had outbreaks among the college population, when all the *real* colleges had already sent kids home and were not accepting them back after spring break.

          • Anonymous

            Not a Liberty fan or ever a likely student/parent, but it seems that there was much (gleeful) initial bad press. But no actual disaster. Which is a great relief to know, as we will all be building on this in the fall when kids go back to all sorts of campuses. I think people just like to smugly look down on conservative Christians and let that cloud the initial reporting and then failed to do any follow-up reporting to see how things would up.

          • ELS

            There was no actual disaster because when it started looking bad, the Governor ordered them home.
            (Source: I’m in Virginia, and my assistant’s kid goes to Liberty.)

    • anon

      FWIW, I’m in a state that led to charge on reopening and our schools just finished for the year. I know our local school district is actively planning for what the education will look like in the fall, but also will have to follow some of the state-level education mandates which are still being worked out. The meetings are recorded and documents/agendas are publicly available on the district website- perhaps your district does the same? Here is an article that they discussed at the most recent public workshop https://www.centerforhealthsecurity.org/our-work/pubs_archive/pubs-pdfs/2020/200515-reopening-schools.pdf

    • Never too many shoes...

      Education is a provincial matter in Canada so there is no country-wide plan here. British Columbia is open from June 1 on a part-time voluntary basis. Quebec schools are open (apart from Montreal which is closed for the rest of the academic year). Every other province has closed for the rest of the school year (which is the end of June).

      • Anonymous

        This. I’m in Atlantic Canada and we close mid-March. 20 days zero new cases and the school year is still cancelled. All elementary school aged kids automatically move to the next grade. Not sure what will happen in September. Public school board gave chromebooks to all kids that didn’t have resources as home so they can participate in voluntary programming. We have one laptop and three kids but can afford our own stuff so I didn’t take advantage.

        Alberta is doing online schooling with assignments due weekly and kids not guaranteed to move to next level.

      • Anonymous

        Quebec schools are actually mostly closed now due to covid schools aren’t allowed to use AC and other air circulation or ventilation devices. Because of this a lot of schools can’t open or have been basically cancelling on a day by day basis as the weather is too hot.

    • Anonymous

      Is anywhere in US, Canada or Western Europe fully or even mostly back? Australia had very very few cases and never closed so that’s a bit different.

      • Anon

        I know more about Scandinavia. Sweden never closed, Denmark went back in April, Norway and Finland went back in early May. I’ve seen headlines about Germany, France, Netherlands, reopening now or soon but I don’t know the details. Italy is not reopening now, but is at least firmly committed to reopening in the fall, which can’t be said of the US.

        • Anonymous

          Germany is not fully reopened at all. BIL is an Austrian high school teacher near Germany and they are not back. Much of the reopening I’m hearing about is more for childcare and social engagement purposes. European kids generally don’t learn to read until age 7 so the programs are much less academic focused than in the US and they spend way, way more time outdoors and have smaller schools and class sizes. There are some primary schools going back on modified schedules.

          Sweden has a super high death rate compared to their Scandinavian counterparts so I would use them as a model for anything.

          • Anon

            But the childcare and engagement purposes are really important. I don’t think anyone is arguing the kindergartners need to be in school so they can learn Very Important Academics, or that school can’t be modified to spend more time playing outdoors. At that age it’s clearly about childcare for parents and socialization for kids.

        • Anonymous

          All these places, except Italy, had more minor outbreaks. Denmark barely had any cases compared to here.

          • anon

            I think it’s important to not treat the US as a whole as comparison to European countries as a whole. A state to European country comparison would be much better. The US has bad numbers in the aggregate but outbreaks are concentrated and many areas are similar to countries in Europe with minor outbreaks.

          • Anon

            But the US isn’t a monolith. My county has had far fewer cases per capita than Copenhagen. Maybe there are parts of the US that will have difficulties having in-person school in the fall, but that definitely doesn’t apply to all of us.

          • Anon 10:31

            Agree that state by state comparison is more useful but that’s the issue with OP’s post – it’s useful the US as a whole as the metric. These decisions need to be state or regionally based.

    • Anonymous

      Just homeschool or online school for the year. Is 2*2 that hard? Are they really going to remember that in 2nd grade, they didn’t sit next to their bestie because they were home? I mean that’s what we’re planning — much better than the MW or going to school in shifts drama.

        • Anonymous

          Elementary school is a joke academically. You could cover the content in half an hour a day. Keeping the kid entertained while you are working is a different story.

          • Anon

            I disagree. You’re looking at it from the perspective of an adult. My 5 and 7 year old think it’s hard! Learning to read is a big accomplishment and takes a lot of work. Same with math skills.

          • Anonymous

            No, I’m looking at it as a parent whose child was bored to tears until high school. In elementary and middle school, the teachers are mostly occupied with keeping order in the classroom. They pile on the worksheets and expect the parents to do the actual teaching at home. Homeschooling would be better than slogging through 45 minutes of homework every day.

          • Anon

            Then your child was in a bad school system because that has not been my experience at all.

          • Anon

            I agree with 12:44, partly on the testimony of teachers from many different parts of the country who have complained about this exact outcome. Classroom management is also the focus of a lot of teacher training. I think this is a more typical experience than not.

      • anon

        Tempted to completely ignore but:

        1. Shockingly I care about kids’ education beyond just my own. Just because I can do something doesn’t mean other parents can.

        2. The “is it that hard” language thrown at parents is one of the most annoying phrases. Nothing is “that hard” in isolation, but when you throw all the things that “aren’t that hard” together, it’s impossible for any parent to do them all. It isn’t that hard to exercise every day, it isn’t that hard to only buy organic food, it isn’t that hard to never allow screens, it isn’t that hard to read to your kids for 30 minutes each day, it isn’t that hard to make sure they get an hour of outdoor physical activity each day, it isn’t that hard to only home-cooked meals, it isn’t that hard to take your kid to music class once a week, it isn’t that hard to take your kid to sports activity once a week, it isn’t that hard to take your kid to other enrichment activities once a week, it isn’t that hard to make sure your kid only wears sustainably sourced clothing, it isn’t that hard to use cloth diapers, it isn’t that hard work and set an example that both parents contribute to the finances of the family, it isn’t that hard to stay at home for a few years, it isn’t that hard to make sure you have a date night once a week, it isn’t that hard to sleep train your kid, etc., etc., etc. We all have to prioritize what we think is best for our family. I hope homeschooling is the right choice for yours.

      • Pink

        Since you brought it up, actually, yes – it IS that hard. I was homeschooled until 6th grade (when both my mom and I had crying meltdowns over algebra…if that tells you how “hard” it is). My mom spent well over 40 hours per week on instruction alone, not to mention the time she spent planning curriculum for four kids in different grades, with different learning styles and different personalities. Was that her choice? Absolutely. And she went into it prepared; knowing that it was going to require a lot of effort. The current situation isn’t one that parents could have anticipated would require homeschooling. So let’s not hand wave away the fact that homeschooling, done properly, IS a lot of work.

        • Anon

          It sounds like your mom was going way above and beyond the goals of the average school though! It takes a lot less time and effort if the goal is just to keep up with an average student at an average school.

          • Pink

            That is very true. And again, that was her choice – I’m not trying to make her out as a martyr – she enjoyed it. See also the above poster’s point about elementary education taking about 30 minutes a day. But I think many women on here might try homeschooling and find it incredibly challenging due to their own expectations of what their kids need to learn. And that’s ok! If that is what you want. I was just a little salty about the “it’s not that hard” comment. It is hard. It’s worth it, but it’s hard. FWIW, I will not be homeschooling my child. He’s an extrovert for one. Also, I already have a job. Not looking for a second one.

    • Worried

      I teach high school in BC Canada, and our schools are reopening on this coming Monday. Our schedule has been re worked and completely altered to accommodate less students and staff in the building due to the guidelines set out by our public health authorities. I will still be teaching online, but students can attend in person on a voluntary basis for extra support — however, my classes have been divided in half and a each half of the class has a scheduled time to come in due to social distancing. Some days, I’m only at work for the one class, and others more— they have done a good job of reducing the numbers inside the building, though it is a very complex puzzle of scheduling, exits and timings. I’m only supposed to be in the building during the times I work, and then leave to work from home when I’m not. Many of my colleagues are frustrated to work online and in person – especially with so little time left in the school year, but I figure it is practice for the full reopening in the fall. It is strange in terms of commuting to work, to only stay there for a short time, have to leave, and then continue working from home! I’m curious to see how many students will return as I have surveyed my classes online and only 15 to percent want to return. Many parents and students are worried, as am I, but I will see how this works.

  7. edj3

    Hey–I don’t remember who recommended a rubber broom for pet hair but whomever you are–THANK YOU.

    My two cats are shed monsters and I’ve had to do a combo of sweeping with a normal broom, dust mopping AND vacuuming only to see hair still left behind. But not with this rubber broom, it’s magical.

    • Airplane.

      Ooo I didn’t see the original post, but thanks for bringing this up. I will investigate. My labrador and household thank you and original poster.

    • Anon

      I didn’t see that original post, but a friend of mine gave me a furniture vacuum with a rubber nozzle for my dog’s hair, and it is SO effective. I was shocked at how much difference the rubber nozzle makes.

    • Anon

      A squeegee works magic on short pile carpets! Similar concept to a rubber broom, but I already owned a squeegee.

    • cat socks

      I didn’t see the original post either, so thanks for sharing again! I have five cats and do a thorough vacuuming weekly, but a broom would definitely help with daily clean up. Especially in the kitchen area.

      I see Chewy has a FURemover Extendable Pet Hair Removal Broom. I might add that to my next auto-ship order.

  8. Ribena

    Have any of you read an article recently that listed various outdoor activities (eg a beach trip, backyard barbecue) and how risky it is (with regards to the virus) and the things that make it more or less risky? I’m sure I’ve read this and wanted to share it with a colleague but couldn’t find it again. I’m pretty sure it was from a US news source, and therefore likely the NYTimes or the Atlantic, but I can’t find it on either page. If this sounds familiar to anyone, I’d appreciate a lead!

  9. Anon

    I feel like it’s not being discussed enough that Sweden never had a lockdown and never closed schools and it’s estimated (based on antibody testing) that only 7% of their country has had Covid by now (it’s ~5% in Spain, which had a very strict lockdown, and I’ve heard quite a few experts say it’s most likely around 5% in the US too). Of course the fact that Sweden never formally “locked down” doesn’t mean that people there aren’t taking social distancing seriously and staying at home more than they otherwise would, but it seems clear that it’s possible to resume a large degree of pre-lockdown life (including school) without the R0 skyrocketing and the virus getting absolutely out of control. I feel like so many people in the US are just throwing their hands up and saying “We can’t have school [or insert other activity of your choice, school is my pet peeve] because the virus would just immediately run rampant again.” But we don’t really *know* that, and what’s happening in Sweden really seems to contradict that.

    • Ribena

      The key difference -as I understand it – is that in Sweden a very large proportion of people live alone, and household sizes are generally smaller. Given what we’re coming to learn about the dangers of intra-household spread, this is material.

      • Anon

        That’s fair, but surely all school age children live with at least 1 adult and most of them live with 2 adults and maybe a sibling? Sweden’s birth rate is only slightly lower than the US birth rate.

        • LaurenB

          No, most of them don’t live with 2 adults. It’s my understanding that Sweden is very high on the single-parent spectrum (no judgment at all, just an observation) and in general, their household sizes are small which is a major factor in controlling outbreak.

      • Anonymous

        Right, so doesn’t this mean that a lot of other social distancing and stay home restrictions are kind of pointless? People are getting this thing from being right on top of other people, not from casual contact. Don’t have big events where people are crowded together (concerts, sports), limit capacity for very crowded spaces (bars, farmers markets), and wear a mask if your job requires you to interact closely with others (restaurant, warehouses). We don’t have to shut down society to accomplish these things.

        • anon

          No…they are not pointless. People *are* getting it from “casual contact.”

          Person A who has a large family and is quarantining with say, 4 immediate family members and regularly has 5 extended family members come visit. Person A goes to a restaurant and gets covid. Person A goes home and infects 9 other people because they’re right on top of each other. Now, because those other people aren’t staying at home or social distancing in your world, they are also now potentially infecting others.

          • LaurenB

            People *are* getting it from casual contact, for goodness sakes. I know it’s fun to have an agenda that the only people who are getting it are the poors who are all piled on top of one another and have no choice but to work in risky jobs, but really, head to all of our nice comfy upscale suburban hospitals around here and plenty of nice comfy upscale suburban people have it too.

          • anon

            LaurenB, the New York Times has a piece today entitled “10 Weeks into New York Area’s Lockdown, Who Is Still Getting Sick?” It’s an interesting read and shows that, in fact, the hardest-hit neighborhoods have heavy concentrations of “the poors” as you so eloquently put it. Reading it may also help put your mind at ease that if you’re not older or unhealthy, you’re likely not going to end up in the hospital.

        • Anonymous

          “People are getting this thing from being right on top of other people, not from casual contact.”
          Right, the US has more people living right on top of one another, especially in lower income immigrant communities. Immigrant communities tend to have more multigenerational households, and those communities have been especially hard hit. That’s barely making the news out of Sweden.

    • Anonymous

      Sweden also has a higher per capital death rate than the US (and the rest of Europe), and it’s not like their economy has been humming along just fine, either. Sweden’s economy was affected like Denmark’s and Norway’s, and both of those countries had more restrictions.

      • Ribena

        Yes, this is the bit I missed out above – their strategy isn’t being seen as successful. The Netherlands/Germany I think get to wear that hat from a European perspective?

    • Anon

      That may be true, but they’ve also pretty much the same decrease on economic activity as other Scandinavian countries while having a much higher death rate. So they’re not officially locked down and school is open, but people aren’t actually going out and buying things or living normal lives (https://www.politico.eu/article/swedens-cant-escape-economic-hit-with-covid-19-light-touch/). It also wouldn’t be possible to do what they’re doing here without a much, much higher death rate.

    • Cb

      But Sweden is quite different from the US. I think demographics may play a role – a healthier population, with access to good healthcare, a more outdoor oriented (at least in the warmer months) culture. If you compare life expectancy, and especially ‘life expectancy healthy years’, you can see that in Sweden, people live longer, and healthier lives, which may mean that they are less likely to experience complications from Covid.

      • Anon

        I don’t disagree at all that Swedes are healthier, but healthy people are not any less likely to get infected, just less likely to have complications and die. The fact that the virus has not spread through a much larger share of the population in Sweden than it has in the US suggests the lockdown may not be having the effect on the spread we think it is, or at the very least that there is a way to have school and other activities while still controlling the viral spread.

      • Anonymous

        I am guessing that Sweden is generally less obese than the US (many places are worse), which probably drives a lot of mortality #s generally and in relation to coronavirus.

        • Pure Imagination

          Ugh can we stop with the facile “blame the obese” approach? If you actually care about obesity in the U.S., you’ll be blaming food deserts, poverty, corn subsidies, and so much else before you turn the blame on individuals. Obesity has been named as the reason why black people die at higher rates than white people from coronavirus despite the fact that a 7 percentage point disparity in obesity rates cannot possibly explain a 240-700 percentage point disparity in deaths. I recommend reading this to get up to speed, both on the race issue and whether obesity is the cause of death for coronavirus patients:

          https://www.nytimes.com/2020/05/25/opinion/coronavirus-race-obesity.html

          • Anonymous

            No one is blaming the obese. But it is not news that obesity, especially morbid obesity, and its related conditions, are a great driver in covid-19 hospitalizations and deaths. If Sweden is doing better, it might not be anything the country is doing or not doing; instead, it might be that the population is so different that the outcomes are necessarily different.

          • Anon

            I mean, she didn’t say that she was blaming individuals…just stating the fact that the US is more obese…

          • Pure Imagination

            “Experts have raised questions about the rush to implicate obesity, and especially “severe obesity” (B.M.I. greater than 40), as a factor in coronavirus complications. An article in the medical journal The Lancet evaluated Britain’s inclusion of obesity as a risk factor for coronavirus complications and retorted, “To date, no available data show adverse Covid-19 outcomes specifically in people with a BMI of 40 kg/m2.” The authors concluded, “The scarcity of information regarding the increased risk of illness for people with a BMI higher than 40 kg/m2 has led to ambiguity and might increase anxiety, given that these individuals have now been categorised as vulnerable to severe illness if they contract Covid-19.”

            This is in the NYT article.

      • PolyD

        I think good access to healthcare is a key difference also there may be fewer people in Sweden who have to choose between their jobs and their lives, thus the number of people who go to work sick (or were exposed) and spread COVID is probably smaller.

      • emeralds

        Yeah, I was about to mention this–one of my best friends lives in Stockholm and I’ve talked to her every week since the pandemic started. She says things are NOT good, and that was even before the numbers about the per-capita death rate came out.

      • MoAnon

        I’ve read many, many, many articles about Sweden. I would LOVE for Sweden to be a success story because I live in a red state that is very enthusiastic about opening up. (I live in Missouri. I’m sure you all saw what the Lake of the Ozarks looked like Memorial Day weekend…).

        Sweden is not a success. It has more excess deaths than its neighbors, its per capita death rate for covid19 is high, and its GDP dropped about the same than its neighbors. And that is in a country where everyone has access to healthcare (to my knowledge) and thus the population is generally healthier. It’s a real downer.

        • Anonymous

          I’m not advocating for the Swedish approach, but it wasn’t supposed to be better *now*, right? It was supposed to spread the disease broadly and quickly so the pandemic would be over faster for them and their economy could rebuild earlier (at such low herd immunity, hard to see that’s a meaningful difference). It’s hard to say if any of these approaches are winners when the race is still being run.

    • Anonymous

      Or you could look at what happened in NYC, which did lockdown (albeit in hindsight too late), where it is estimated that about 20% of the population has antibodies and 800 people a day were dying at the peak, and decide this is insane. Maybe it would work in some parts of the country without much population density and excellent healthcare access (which do not tend to go together), but I don’t think that is feasible in cities. Widespread testing and tracing seem like the only strategies for reopening that have proven successful in densely populated areas.

    • Anonymous

      50% of the households in their largest city are single person households. The risk was always lower. They have much better social adherence than the US so the measures didn’t need to be mandatory for people to listen. AND they have a super high death rate so even with those other factors working for them, the Swedish experiment has been an utter failure.

  10. Vegetarian Proteins

    I feel like this might have been discussed lately, but what do you vegetarians eat for your protein at most meals? I’m not intentionally going vegetarian, but very often for lunch I don’t have any leftover meat and go searching for an easy protein to add with salads or on some rice. I eat eggs, so maybe that’s the answer?
    I have a few frozen veggie burgers I like and keep stocked in the house, but would like something slightly less processed. A girl can only eat so many chickpeas/beans… I’m in the SEUS if there are store brands or items you’ve found that might be region-specific.

    • HousecounseI

      Do you have a Trader Joe’s? TJ’s has sriracha and teriyaki tofu in the refrigerated meat section that is perfect for slicing up over a salad or grain bowl.

    • Anon

      I don’t necessarily eat something that is a “protein” food with every meal. I find that it’s not necessary. I think of what I’m eating the whole day — if I had eggs and toast for breakfast, I might have a salad or otherwise veggie heavy lunch without as much carbs or protein, then some sort of bean and veggie dish for dinner. Some days I only eat one “protein” food the whole day — all whole foods (vegetables, potatoes) have protein, and it adds up over the course of the day.

      I’ve been vegetarian since age 14 and don’t really think too much about what I eat other than making sure that I’m not eating way too many carbs.

    • anon

      Legumes, eggs, the occasional tofu, cheese, other dairy, nuts, avocado. I should really get to that tofu sitting in the fridge…

      • Anon

        +1
        I really like lentils and split peas (thanks Ethiopian food for the introduction!) I also like substituting fried cubed tofu for meat in dishes like curry and using sliced eggs and feta cheese in my salads.

    • Ribena

      “Proteins to throw on my lunch” are an eternal quest for me. Every lunch generally involves beans, an egg, or both. I do buy quorn or tofu chunks occasionally- or if I’m cooking veggie sausages anyway I’ll often cook extras for the next days’ lunches.

      • Anon

        What type of beans do you make? Also, how do you normally cook the beans? My family rarely cooked beans growing up, so I only eat canned beans.

        • Ribena

          I open the can and rinse – that’s it. It’s just me so it doesn’t feel worth cooking them from dried.

          When I’m using just half the can (most lunchtimes) I will too the liquid from the can into a small Weck type jar and put the second half of the can of beans in there too to go in the fridge. It recreates the canned environment the best I can.

    • Anon

      Not a vegetarian, but I do track protein intake for weightlifting. For me, mostly yogurt and/or a protein shake will help top me up. I switched out dessert for fancy yogurt bowls, which also helps me reduce my sugar intake while still feeling like I get dessert. Check the sugar vs protein ratio in the nutrition label- you typically want less grams for sugar than protein.

      • Ribena

        Oh yes, lots of yoghurt! Ignore the fat free flavoured ones, you want proper yoghurt with protein and satiating healthy fats.

      • Anon

        A lot of Greek yogurt has less protein than it used to; check the label. Icelandic yogurt is good (Siggi’s or Trader Joe’s).

    • Anon

      Some ideas: lentils, chickpeas, wheat berries, black beans, yogurt, quinoa, lentil soup, lentil/chickpea/etc pasta, eggs, nuts, nut butter, tofu, cheese, whole wheat toast. In a salad I’d probably eat beans/cheese/nuts/quinoa and with rice I’d probably eat an egg or beans, though you could swap your rice for quinoa which would be your protein. I am a big fan of the frozen TJ’s Quinoa Duo with Vegetable Melange. As long as your meal doesn’t have a lot of fruit or sugar, you probably have enough protein proportional to the amount of calories in your food if that makes sense.

    • Anonymous

      You can marinate tofu and then sear it. You can also crumble it into something like an egg salad. You can also add protein via snacks like apple slices with nut butter or fruit with cheese.

    • The Lone Ranger

      Tuna or salmon, in the foil packages. Some have some flavorings added, but some are plain.

        • Ribena

          OP just said they were reducing meat intake and looking for easy lunchtime proteins – fish can definitely fit into that.

        • OP

          Right, but I’m down for fish and not explicitly vegetarian. Any easy proteins work for me, but I appreciate all the vegetarian-specific suggestions.

    • Anon

      Nuts and seeds. Walnuts, pine nuts, sunflower seeds, and pumpkin seeds are my favorites. I always get the unsalted versions; the sodium adds up quickly. They come in resealable packets and are easy to stash in my purse or desk drawer.

      I never eat carbs without protein, because pairing them levels insulin release and satiates hunger longer (per my endocrinologist). So, I’ve gotten creative about variety. Roasting and seasoning the nuts and seeds yourself is “next level” and you can get really creative with combinations of spices. In the fall, I do pumpkin seeds with cinnamon and nutmeg for my own “pumpkin spice” salad blend.

    • Anonymous

      Also not a vegetarian but I keep some staples on hand that I can throw together easily. I really like sliced almonds on salads. And it’s not vegetarian, but canned tuna usually makes an appearance when I’m busy. You didn’t ask about healthy fats, but avocado can bulk up a meal that’s otherwise too lean – lettuce and almond slivers won’t exactly get me through the day.

    • Anon

      If you’re replacing meat with beans don’t you also have to have rice to make it a complete protein?

      Earnest question – my teenaged daughter has gone vegan and I’ve been encouraging burrito bowl type things rather than salad bowls for this reason. She doesn’t like tofu either.

      • anon

        I don’t stress over the composition of my specific meal as much as I try to have variety through the week. I find that more manageable. If she’s more the person to eat the same every day (maybe meal prepping a week’s lunches), then balancing that meal would be more important, but still if dinners vary, I wouldn’t stress too much.

      • Anon

        That used to be a prevalent opinion, but it turns out you don’t need to eat them at the same time, just within a day or so of each other. As long as you’re eating a variety of foods you’re fine, no need to combine proteins when you’re eating.

    • Anonymous

      I find you avoid monotony just by eating different kinds of beans with different spices.

    • Anonymous

      there are a lot of bean varieties too so dont give up on them! i regularly have: lentils, creamy white beans with pesto, tofu (soft, cooked like mapo tofu), tofu (the more fluffy fried kind? i slice it up), beyond burgers/sausages, peanut butter/other nut butters, chia seeds in a fruit bowl, frozen morningstar sausages and i do eat eggs but am trying to reduce the amount as well. i have also been into those lentil based pastas but i know not everyone likest hem.

    • Anon100

      If you can find it in a local Whole Foods/organic market, I love Hodo Tofu’s nuggets. Speaking of soy-based products, I’ll eat edamame as a snack if I feel like I need more protein. Edamame should be fairly easy to find in the frozen veg section.

      On occasion I’ll have smoked salmon with rice (my cheap hack for “nigiri”).

    • Anonymous

      I cut up deli meats or cook extra chicken breasts at the start of the week and add that to my salads for lunch. This is my lunch most days — bag of salad with turkey or chicken mixed in. The marinated tofu is the next best and a very good alternative for me.

    • mclawyer

      I like to make sure I snack on high protein foods in the event I am not getting enough during meals. Lowfat cottage cheese, greek yogurt, and edamame are good whole food options. I also sometimes add a scoop of protein powder to my oatmeal.

    • KatieWolf

      I love adding tempeh (get mine from TJs) to salads in lieu of grilled chicken. It adds heft the same way meats do but when everything is covered in dressing it feels the same. I’m not a huge fan of faux meats.

  11. Anon

    can Trump really limit Twitter and other social media platforms? i find this horrifying and frightening.

    • Pure Imagination

      I think his actual power is more limited than he acknowledges, but we should take the threat extremely seriously and never assume it won’t be as bad as he says. I’m extremely concerned he will try to postpone the election or deny the results as his end game this year.

    • Patricia Gardiner

      Yeah I don’t understand this at all… don’t social media companies have freedom of speech to use as they see fit?

    • HousecounseI

      I am in no way defending him, but I think he is talking about removing immunities for civil suits as opposed to shutting them down. Of course his intent is to limit their power, but I don’t think even he is dumb enough to think he can shut them down entirely. I have no doubt that he would if he could.

    • Anon

      I’m the OP from above who asked about this.

      I’ve always thought of social media platforms as the digital publisher/paper and the content belongs to the author. Just like a newspaper gets to decide what the publish (and,frankly, is held to certain fact-checking/accuracy standards), shouldn’t the social media platform be afforded the same latitude and held to the same standards?

      That’s probably way over simplifying it, but then I also consider the fact that he IS the POTUS – he doesn’t need Twitter to get his message out. His message will (theoretically) be heard and published somewhere just given the office he holds. So, why limit legally limit Twitter and not just take your message elsewhere? (yes, the ubiquity of the platform, but, again, theoretically….).

      Not in law whatsoever so please challenge my line of thinking if it’s flawed.

      • anon

        currently, you can sue a newspaper for libel, but you can’t sue twitter. So they are not held to the same standards. Of course, newspapers usually pay their authors and make editorial decisions, so it’s not quite the same. Also, social media do have very effective content oversight when it comes to preventing copyright infringement or pornographic content, because they have a legal framework to go on. There isn’t a similar established legal framework for hate speech or plain lying (in the US), so the companies used to cite that as the reason why they could not act.

        • Just to cut in here

          Uhhh, this is a total aside, but social media absolutely SUCKS at moderating pornographic content, particularly child sexual abuse imagery, and in general none of the major sites have anything close to a “very effective content oversight.” For anecdotal evidence of this, yesterday on TikTok (why I’m on this is a subject for a separate post) I went from scrolling through home renovation and cooking videos to a video depicting the fresh aftermath of a suicide by gun. I don’t know what went haywire in their algorithms, but this kind of content is out there on every platform, all you have to know is the right hashtags. For evidence-backed reporting on this, see https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/19/podcasts/the-daily/child-sex-abuse.html and a lot of other work from the NYTimes this year – they’ve been really all over this topic, thankfully.

          • Anon

            Sites with adult content (trying to avoid mod) are also apparently terrible. I was just reading that there is a movement right now led by adults to remove videos that they say were taken of themselves when they were minors, and apparently this is not at all easy or successful to do. I was shocked.

          • Just to cut in here

            Yeah, that’s unfortunately, disturbingly, true, Anon @ 3pm. I work in an adjacent field that deals with this subject matter. To my knowledge, an adult website, P-hub, is one of the WORST offenders in this sphere. They intentionally keep videos depicting minors, or crimes (obvious crimes – weapons or injuries apparent) if they are “popular” in terms of view count, and they ignore content takedown requests from victims until the big guns/threats (which cost money) come in. People just don’t understand how easy it is, on any platform, to go from legal content to illegal/very disturbing content in seconds. The veil is very, very thin. There’s this weird, persistent myth out there (that benefits Mark Zuckerberg, Jack Dorsey et al tremendously) that you have to go underground or on the dark web to access violent/illegal content. But it’s all just right there on these sites we use, and our kids use, every day. Regulating these platforms via executive order for political reasons is obviously not the move here. But at the same time, Congress has demonstrated an appalling failure to act (as well as the other, lesser regulatory agencies who should step up) and maybe there’s something to be said for the newspaper model of accountability, or at least holding these sites more responsible than they currently are for the content they host and the platform they provide.

          • anon

            to be honest, when I wrote my comment, I was thinking of facebook’s automatic image filter, that censors pictures of breastfeeding moms (but not shirtless guys). This probably varies between social networks, and (adressing your TikTok point), violence is another issue that most of them refuse to address.

  12. Anonymous

    This came up with friends over the weekend and I though this group might have opinions or resources. The restaurant industry has obviously been hard hit. With the upcoming capacity limits, I’ve heard restaurants express that they won’t make ends meet.

    A lot of these restaurants had tables packed so close together that you’re basically eating dinner with the tables on either side of you. Fine dining is included here. These restaurants also turn each table multiple times per service, it’s not as of the table is yours for the night. In Europe, they actually pay restaurant workers (employees don’t depend on tips to live), the table is generally yours for the night or at least a lot of hours, and higher end restaurants tend to space out their tables a little better (not universally obvi). So my question is, why is it that American restaurants have to pack their spaces, turn tables multiple times, and not pay their staff in order to make ends meet, when European restaurants seem to do ok without these things?

    • Anonymous

      European countries have a decent minimum wage that also applies to restaurant workers. In most of the US, wait staff are exempt from minimum wage laws.

      • Airplane.

        Yes, it is all interconnected. You can’t really isolate restaurants alone and say “why is this different, why can’t the US do it this way?”

    • Equestrian Attorney

      European restaurants have been hit very hard too, though. European waiters and staff are paid, but usually minimum wage, and typically make less than their American counterparts once tips are included. Tables are definitely sometimes packed together too (small spaces!). It’s true that the table is usually yours for the night. But this comes with the expectation that you will order a three-course meal with wine for the restaurant to meet their revenue expectations. It’s really hard on European restaurants when you have a table who books for the evening and then has a salad and a glass of water, because then can’t turn over that table to another more profitable party. Restaurants are a hard business on both sides of the Atlantic and restaurants go bankrupt all the time (source – my relatives own a restaurant in France).

    • BB

      Yeah, I’m totally with you on this. The jamming tables together has been getting nutty. I have a special raging hatred for communal tables. I am not paying $200+ to eat somewhere where I am rubbing elbows with a stranger whose voice I can hear better than that of my husband across from me. (sorry, my rant might have gone a bit off topic… :) )

    • Anonymous

      Because European restaurants generally speaking are more expensive so more revenue comes in. A casual meal there costs more than in the US; same with fine dining.

      • Anonymous

        This isn’t true of the majority of European countries I’ve visited. US has way more cheap sit down chain restaurants.

      • OP

        This raises a good point – maybe Americans are accustomed to paying too little for eating out? If dine in service raised their prices by 10%, would that be enough? Personally I’d rather pay 10-20% more and not be elbow to elbow with other customers.

        I will say, though, it hasn’t been my experience that fine dining in Europe – even somewhere expensive like Iceland or Norway – is substantially more expensive than a similar fine dining experience in the US, especially when you account for tip. I agree though that the US has way more cheap eats and middle of the road options.

  13. Anon

    I just spent an entire specialist copay to have my dermatologist tell me that my worrisome puckered mole is actually just getting a blackhead at the edge of it. So very angry at my own face right now; it’s like a kitten misbehaving for attention.

    On the plus side, the office was doing a great job of maintaining appropriate Covid protocols.

    • Monday

      Last year I spent about $2500 in visits, tests and copays to find out that I was just…sick with a virus that lasted longer than usual (no, no Covid-like symptoms). My papers from urgent care, where my PCP made me go, actually said “Diagnosis: malaise.” I definitely miss the money, but I consider it the price of finding out that nothing more serious was wrong. (With the caveat that our health care system is ridiculous, but controlling for that factor.)

    • anonn

      spent like $800 so far ( bills still coming) to learn that the pain in my right foot is just early arthritis. the podiatrist pointed to my age on the x-ray (36) then wrote me an rx for Birkenstocks, Vionic and the New Balance store.

    • AnonATL

      I was having some shortness of breath and faintness issues recently (while pregnant so a little scarier), and had all these expensive cardiologist appointments only to be told it’s just the baby compressing my diaphragm.
      I couldn’t even re-trigger the faintness while wearing the heart monitor to try to prove what was happening! So frustrating and expensive, but glad there isn’t something actually wrong with my heart. I haven’t had any episodes since so it was just for like 2 weeks with how the baby was positioned.

      • PolyD

        In January 2019, I had an ER visit with EKG and CT scan (I think. They wanted to look for clots) and a referral to a cardiologist, stress test, echocardiogram, all to be told to try to lose weight and take up yoga. I think it was stress and a little rough breathing from the dry cold weather that made me feel bad enough to go to the ER, because no one found anything wrong with me.

        Funny enough I did manage to lose about 7 lbs over 2019, just through being a little more cautious about eating and drinking and upping my exercise, and now that I can’t do my usual exercise, I have taken up Yoga with Adriene. Somewhere a cardiologist is laughing.

        It was costly, but I have good insurance and a good job, so not ruinous. But the most annoying thing was how different bills kept coming! It would be nice if the last one came stamped, “This is your last bill for this episode.”

        • AnonATL

          I can laugh about it now that I feel normal again, but the cardiologist tried to bring it back to my weight multiple times even though I wasn’t overweight pre-pregnancy and haven’t gained more than 15 pounds into my third trimester. He even asked me if I weighed my pre-pregnancy weight before I got married, as if I let myself go or something. He was an old white dude in the south so…
          Seems like he couldn’t figure out what else could be wrong so it must be the extra weight I was carrying. His bedside manner left a bit to be desired, and I’m glad I don’t have to see him again.

          • Anon

            That sounds awful. I’m so sorry he said that. I was mildly overweight in my 20s (like a size 10 instead of an 8) and this older male doctor I saw at Kaiser said that not only would the medication he was prescribing help with my migraines, but it also might “help you get your figure back.” I walked in thinking my figure was fine.

          • AnonATL

            Hi from a fellow size 8-10 that’s always been a little chunkier :)
            It’s taken a long time, and I’m still hard on myself periodically, but I’m pretty cool about my body now. I love food and good wine (pre pregnancy) so yeah I could be 10 pounds lighter but that wouldn’t be nearly as fun. Something about being pregnant has also made me stop paying attention to my BMI and scale number as much too. I’m growing a new human and am still active so it just is what it is.
            Regardless, no one should have to hear rude stuff like that from a doctor unless you are having serious issues definitely related to your weight.

          • PolyD

            I wasn’t overweight, either – at the upper limit of normal BMI – but I was heavier than I ever had been. I wasn’t too insulted by it, but I’ve never been hounded about my weight by MDs, so that probably helps me shrug it off.

            I guess maybe he felt that he just had to give me some suggestions for things to do.

  14. Anon

    Thank you to everyone who replied yesterday afternoon about my first psychiatry appointment. I had it this morning. It’s hard to tell after one appointment (over video), but I think it went fine. I’ve been on Lexapro for a year for anxiety, and my PC had prescribed Wellbutrin and then Buspirone for depression, but neither of them worked for me. Psychiatrist is prescribing Cymbalta.

    Between getting through the video appointment, the idea of trying a new medication, work related stress, and news of suffering around the country, I am a big basket of tears today.

    • Anonymous

      I’m so glad you did it though! Such an amazing accomplishment for today. Hugs.

    • Anonymous

      Hi I’ve been taking Lexapro for a few weeks, had no idea it is prescribed for anxiety. Can I ask, what dosage do you take and is it effective for that? I am taking 5mg daily for (mild) pandemic related depression and it seems to be working so far.

      • Anon

        It works well for my anxiety. I started at 5mg and gradually increased to 20mg, which is the highest dosage allowed by the FDA.

    • Anon

      Good job and hang in there! Also, turn off the news. Sometimes we just have to admit we can’t handle everything and will need to cut something off.

  15. Anon

    What does one wear when paddleboarding? Also, when learning to paddleboard, how frequently should I expect to fall into the water?

    • Abby

      I wear a swimsuit, and if you wear sunglasses make sure they’re on croakies!! Lost my favorite pair that way. It depends on how big the waves are. I always start kneeling, or will kneel down if I get nervous and there are bigger waves.

    • Ribena

      Think dinghy sailing. For me, in summer, that would be a swimsuit with a sleeved rash top over it and lightweight running shorts that can get wet and dry quickly. Probably a bouyancy aid too?

    • Anonymous

      I wear a bathing suit with a rash guard and quick-dry shorts over it. I think I fell in once over my first 3 hour lesson/tour. Average coordination and athletic ability.

    • Pure Imagination

      Sunscreen. Whatever else you wear doesn’t matter much – swimsuit or light, quick-drying shorts and shirt would all work. Falling depends a lot on the person. I have great balance and almost never fall, but friends of similar fitness levels can barely stand up. You’ll have to try it out and see where you are on that spectrum. Have fun!!

    • Anonymous

      Swimsuit, rash guard and some athletic-type shorts (some kind of quick dry material). I also bring a small dry bag for a water bottle, keys, etc.

      I don’t think I’ve ever actually fallen in the water, except deliberately. I have jumped in on occasion. My feet/legs do get wet when the board rocks or tips. When I take my kid out on the board with me, I often sit down to paddle (like a kayak) and wind up somewhat wet.

      Inflatable paddle boards tend to be less stable than regular ones.

    • anon

      Swimsuit and shorts. Maybe a rash guard if you’d prefer it for the SPF coverage. I didn’t fall more than a couple of times when I was learning, but I was on a calm lake. I think this is going to depend a lot on your innate sense of balance and the conditions that day! Wind and waves = more falling. It is so fun, though!

    • Anonymous

      Swimsuit, rash guard for sun protection (it really hits your shoulders out on the water), quick-dry shorts if they make you feel more comfortable. Sunglasses with Croakies, perhaps the floating variety. Dry bag for phone and keys, with a way to connect it to the board. Sunscreen. Lots of water.

      I did not fall at all my first time out, but I still got wet putting the board in the water and paddling on my knees. Take a lesson, use a leash, wear a PFD, and never go out alone.

    • Thanks, It Has Pockets!

      I typically wear a swimsuit, and sometimes a beach coverup. If it’s a little chilly I might wear fitness leggings, but we only go when it’s warm.

      When I first went paddleboarding I did fall in a few times, but mostly because we were going out in choppy waters that we wouldn’t have even been let out in had we not been with experienced paddleboarders. I’d like to think I only would’ve fallen once had the water been calmer. There’s also no shame in doing most, if not all, of your first excursion on your knees if you’re nervous.

    • anon

      also depends on how cold the water is, when I did paddleboarding, I was able to borrow a wetsuit. Ended up not falling in, which also depends on whether you are in completely calm waters or with waves.

  16. Anonymous

    I didn’t sleep more than 2 hrs last night (I usually sleep 8). My neighbor threw a raging birthday party with drunk, loud high school students… The police ended up here until 430a and I had my first work call at 730a. I’m exhausted. How can I push through today? I have meetings until about 2 and am WFH so could probably nap later?

    • anon

      YES nap later. Coffee, cold water, squat and quick walk breaks (get the blood moving!) – said breaks can be as as simple as stretching in place or moving your arms around. UGH what you describes sucks.
      Don’t feel guilty about the nap. Block out the time on your calendar right now if you can and enjoy when you get there. I hope you can also sleep well tonight.

    • cat socks

      Ugh, that sounds horrible! I’m don’t drink coffee very often, but I find drinking cold water helps perk me up. Actually this morning I was dragging enough that I had an iced coffee and a big tumbler of ice water. If possible, try standing while working.

    • Anon Probate Atty

      Ugh. That truly sucks! Yes, I would just put a huge pot of coffee on and drink continuously throughout the day. Sometimes if I had a good night of sleep the night before the bad night, I’m still able to function relatively okay. Hope you can get some good sleep tonight.

  17. Seeking umbrella recommendations

    Anyone care to recommend an umbrella? I discovered this morning that my umbrella has holes and need to replace it. I thought I had gone up enough in quality that I had found one that would last more than a year, but, sadly, I was wrong. While I do not need a bespoke parasol, I would appreciate recommendations for something that might last more than a year. Thanks

  18. Anonymous

    Does anyone have step-siblings that were acquired later in life? My parents divorced about 15 years ago and my dad has been with his girlfriend for the past 4 years and they are moving in together. I’m totally happy for them; she is wonderful and they are really happy together. She has 3 adult kids in their 30s that I’ve never met. My dad and his GF will either split up on holiday or go to one side or the other. My siblings and I are pretty much the same age as her kids. All of us, with the exception of one, live within a few hours of each other.

    Should I try and make an effort to meet them/build a relationship? And/or encourage my dad and his GF to host some larger events that include all the kids? My kids are the same ages as some of their kids, and my own siblings don’t have kids and my husband is an only child–so I would love and welcome some “cousins” for my kids on family events.

    FWIW, my mom is single and my dad’s girlfriend’s former husband is deceased. GF’s parents are alive and for time being they are the ones that are hosting “her-side” events. I don’t imagine some big-fat-family-gathering, but more like if once a year there’s a low-stakes holiday (ie not Christmas/Thanksgiving- though that would be fine too but would get prickly with my mom) or picnic where both sides are invited and the kids can run around play.

    • Anonymous

      Why wouldn’t you? It would be awkward to meet at a wedding or funeral or when one is hospitalized. Especially if you are relatively close geographically.

    • LaurenB

      Honestly, for late-in-life marriages or situations like this, I wouldn’t really go out of my way to build a relationship with them. I mean, of course be friendly and cordial if the situation presents itself, but I don’t think it’s necessary to go out of your way to do a meet-and-greet. Now that you mention it – my parents have been divorced 20 years, my dad has been with a lady friend for about 10 years, and my only contact with their grown children (who are a bit younger than me) has been very brief meetings and casual chit-chat when I’ve been visiting my dad, nothing much beyond “how about that weather we’re having.” If there’s a need for us to be together in an upcoming social situation, of course we’ll be fine, but there’s no need to orchestrate it specifically.

      • LaurenB

        Oh – and I don’t think my kids have met this lady’s grandchildren, if that’s what you’re asking.

      • Airplane.

        Agree. If you really like them then by all means pursue a relationship, but if it’s only because they are late in life step family, ehhhh it’s fine not to be close.

      • anon

        This. I feel no obligation whatsoever to have a relationship with my dad’s wife’s children. And they probably feel the same way as they’ve never reached out to me either.

    • Anonymous

      I think it would be a really lovely gesture for you to host a summer bbq! No need for any holiday at all. Maybe you find new friebds, maybe not.

      • Senior Attorney

        This. If you feel the impulse, no harm in pursuing it. If it works out, great, if not, that’s fine too.

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t force things if it turns out that you’re all really different people and don’t naturally have much in common, but absolutely, encourage them to host a holiday with all of the grown children and grandchildren. Help out by having people bring things so that they are not cooking for a crowd. If you all get along, great! If not, you’re at least supporting your respective parents by giving them more options for family holidays.

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s a lovely idea and very situation-dependent. If you and your dad’s girlfriend get along, it might be worth floating the idea of a low-stakes get together. I would just be prepared that she/her children may or may not be interested. Do you have a sense of how they interact with your dad?

      I come from an enormous blended family and the situation isn’t the same as yours, but I acquired step-aunts/uncles/cousins later in life. On both the “step” side and my side of the family, some people have been very open to meeting, forming new relationships, etc., while others have made it clear they’re not interested. It’s so person/situation dependent.

      • LaurenB

        I think you’re spot-on. I know married couples where their parents / extended families all get together, keep up with one another, blah blah blah. In my family, my parents and my husband’s parents were certainly friendly and cordial when put together in person for events concerning our children, and they would do “appropriate” things (like calling my father-in-law to offer condolences when my mother-in-law died), and each will inquire how the other is doing and things like that, but they never really went out of their way to become independent friends, and that’s just fine – they are very different people and would not have been friendly otherwise. Other people have very different types of intermingling relationships.

    • Anonymous

      Just let things evolve naturally. My husband’s dad married his stepmother when all of their children were in their 20s and 30s. We are around the same age and stage of life as stepmom’s kids, but my husband’s siblings are all older. We also live near dad and stepmom and the others don’t. For these reasons, we are close with stepmom and are usually included in events with her side of the family. When we host a family event at our house, we include any of the stepsiblings who are around, as well as stepmom’s local sister and her husband. The rest of husband’s side gets along well with stepmom but doesn’t have much occasion to interact with her kids.

    • Anon

      I recently discovered a cousin lives in the same city I do. (My dad was an immigrant and died when I was a toddler; this cousin is the only member of his family in the States.) She and I have met and have had a few meals together. It’s a little awkward because she and I don’t have much in common besides our DNA, but I still think it’s worth it. Covid has put the kibosh on us getting together for now. I think hosting a cookout would be a lovely gesture. Worst thing is you put a face with a name, best thing you could end up with new friends.

    • Anon Probate Atty

      I acquired 5 step-siblings at the age of 20. And the youngest is 6 years older than me, so for them and to some extent myself, it was later in life, at least in the sense that we never lived in the same house. At the time I was still in college, single, no kids, so had more time and interest in getting to know them. I was glad I did, as they are all super nice people. But as others have said, it’s pretty situation-dependent. You could start by talking with your dad and/or his GF directly and ask if they think that her kids would be interested to meet you, as you’d. like to meet them. Then maybe the GF can arrange a casual get-together at her house if she thinks it’s a good idea, as it would be most natural coming from her, I would think. Or maybe she’ll mention some informal occasion where one or more of her kids will be around and you can stop by, maybe dinner or something. You just need to feel it out a little. Hope you get good results!

    • Anonymous

      A little different, but my grandpa remarried and the two families became friendly. When medical issues appeared, having those relationships was REALLY helpful. So I would advocate some low stakes get togethers once picnics are a thing. Even if you don’t end up with a big happy blended family, pleasant pre-existing relationships can make stressful situations much better.

  19. Anon for This

    I need relationship advice.

    I started seeing a guy in mid-January, and in late February we decided to be exclusive, etc. Things are going really well – he’s absolutely wonderful, a great communicator, comfortable to spend time with, and we have some things in common. Since the lockdown, we’ve been spending weekends at my place (I have a pet), and weekdays apart — he lives walking distance away, and we both only go to the grocery store and nowhere else, and don’t see anyone else. We tried to stay together at the beginning, but we both have call-heavy jobs and small apartments so it was too hard to work from the same space, though the evenings were nice.

    I’ve noticed recently that when he’s not here I don’t particularly miss him, while he’s texting me every day that he’s thinking about me and missing me. He’s been talking about the future a lot — he sees this getting serious, wants me to meet his family. This totally freaks me out. I told him I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet and he said he’s in no rush and that I should take as much time as I need. When I think of my future, I can picture us together or I can picture myself alone and I don’t know that I’m particularly more excited about a future with him rather than one alone. I don’t really want to date other people, I kind of just want to be alone.

    I don’t know what’s going on with me. I can’t tell if I’m just not that excited about *him* or if it’s the fact that I’m mildly depressed in this situation, or if it’s unresolved hurt from the relationship I was in before this one. I don’t want to screw this up if it’s the latter two, but if it’s that he’s just not the right person for me, I don’t want to waste his time and break his heart either…

    I would appreciate any advice or thoughts.

    • Pure Imagination

      Without being there, he sounds like a great guy with good long-term traits (great communicator, etc.). This does sound more like mild depression, although of course no one here can diagnose you remotely. Are you less excited about other things as well, like hobbies or seeing family? If you’re still excited about all of those things but not him, maybe he’s not the right guy, but if NOTHING sounds good, it’s probably depression.

    • Anonymous

      First, address the depression — medication, therapy, whatever is needed. (Particularly if you have a history of depression.)
      Second, work through the hurt from the previous relationship. Again, therapy or whatever is needed.
      Third, when you have a bit of traction on the first and second, address the current relationship. You don’t need to have the other stuff totally resolved, but get some traction there first.

    • Anon

      “or if it’s unresolved hurt from the relationship I was in before this one.”

      This. When I read your third paragraph (“I’ve noticed recently…”) that you sounded gun-shy, likely from a previous bad relationship.

      If not, maybe it’s mild depression. Either way, make a telehealth appointment to work through some of these things. Even if this is not the right guy for you, unresolved emotional pain has to be resolved sometime, and you don’t want to have that weighing you down when you do find the right person for you.

    • Airplane.

      Are you still getting excited about other things? This might help you figure out if you are in a slump or mildly depressed, it’s not just this relationship.

      Everyone and every relationship is different. “I don’t miss him that much when he is gone” and “I’m freaked out about meeting his family” could be that you’re not that into him/you’re not ready for this level of committment or it could be you just have a high level of independence in a relationship and you’re not that into family. I don’t think answer that for you.

  20. Journaling Q

    For those of you that journal, what do you do about the worry that someone will find your journal at some point and read it? I want to journal, but the worry that someone will find it (husband, kids, someone cleaning after I die??) stops me from doing it. Is this unreasonable or is there a solution?

    • Carmen Sandiego

      I feel the same way, actually. So I just don’t do it. And then I feel bad for letting that stop me. So no advice, but commiseration.

      • Amber

        Yep, this is me! I had diaries when I was younger and then a family member found one so I threw the others away and never started another one!

    • anon

      I journal digitally so mine is password protected. I can type way faster than I can handwrite so it allows me to keep up better with my stream of consciousness. And if I’m looking for something in a past entry, it’s easy to track down via Ctrl/Command + F.

      • anon

        +1, mine has been digital since 1993 in a Word document with a password. So useful to be able to search too!

    • Anon

      The after I die thing worries me too, especially if I die unexpectedly young.
      Can you do it electronically in a password protected document (like a layer more than just password protection on the actual device, which presumably if you dies your family might need to access?).

    • Inlander

      750words.com! I’ve discovered this site and now journal almost every day. I’m very comfortable with the security – it doesn’t remember your log in information ever.

    • Anony

      I have a 5-year journal that only has room for a few sentences each day so I vaguely summarize the day. Today will be something like -“THURS: sunny, breezy, 70+; WFH; finally got the chipmunk to eat out of my hand!!!! Had burgers with guac & pico plus grilled corn for dinner; quick Target run; watched The 100 & Wicked Tuna” – when I get to this entry next year, it will make me smile. My grandmother did this her whole life and I loved it. I only summarize the day and it lives in my nightstand. If DH or my niece or my mom read it, I wouldn’t be scandalized.

      I also have a *VERY* private notebook/journal that I keep wedged between the mattress and box spring on my side of the bed. These are things that I don’t want anyone to find ever. I move it every few months to ease my anxiety haha I keep old ones in a shoe box mixed in with actual shoe boxes of shoes. It’s kind of entertaining to find new hiding spots! I don’t think I could journal online; I like hand writing too much.

  21. Escape Hatch

    Every Single Day I say to myself “I have GOT to find another job!” I am a totally burnt out divorce attorney who feels like there is no hope for another career, in or outside of the law. I have been doing this for 12 years and have a great resume, but it seems only for being hired as a divorce attorney. My current firm lets me work 75% hours for 75% pay (which comes out to 75k) so I can spend more time with my kids, which is great, but the work is horrible, I am starting to hate my clients who are never happy, and all of the documents are starting to congeal into an uninteresting pile of vomit. I have applied to non profits (local, environmental, united way, fellowships) and got dinged. Waiting to hear back on an adjunct position at a local law school, which only pays 1k/mo and I am aware of the drawbacks of adjunct-ing. I got on the board of my child’s nonprofit school. I’m taking all the nonprofit CLEs. I’ve contacted my network to keep their eyes open for ANYTHING. I don’t know what to do to get things moving. I’d love to have a non-attorney leadership/management/creative position, but I don’t seem qualified. I’d even consider a totally new legal career (I should have done high profile plaintiff’s med mal or personal injury, I love jury trials), but who would hire me? I am done working 36 hours straight, 45 days straight, 18 hour days, etc. Done. Any and all perspectives are welcome, even “suck it up, buttercup, you have a great gig going!”

    • Anon

      So many questions.

      Does your firm do other work in related areas? Can you segue into something like estate planning? Become a prosecutor? Apply for anything in litigation?

      There was a letter on Ask A Manager yesterday about a girlfriend who invested in her scummy ex-boyfriend’s business. Commenters were split on whether it was a matter for a corporate lawyer or a family law attorney. Could you branch out into a hybrid area of family law and, say, corporate law, and market yourself as a specialist in that niche field? That gets you some corporate law work.

      • Escape Hatch

        My firm does do other things, but nobody wants to do fam law so they funnel all those cases to me and I am boxed in. I do not want to be a partner. I think it’s worth considering if my skillset is at all transferable (feels like no, but you raised an interesting example), or if there are any success stories of people who got out of law completely. I have been advised by non-lawyers to just “start from the bottom” in a different legal field but 1) why would a firm hire me as opposed to a first year out of law school attorney? 2) I no longer have the drive or energy to climb that mountain again. So I keep returning to a jump outside the law. I’m even considering a part-time MBA as I hear this is one way to pivot a career.

        • No Face

          1) Figure out what you dislike. Is it family law? Firm life? The law altogether? That will determine your next step. If you are sick of the divorce aspect, your knowledge of family law could help you pivot to estate planning or elder law without starting from the bottom. If you are sick of practicing, you could clerk or apply to the courts themselves. I know someone who was tired practicing criminal law and now she is the main administrator for the circuit court. I know a couple of people who became career clerks and love it – no billable hours, no night/weekend work, intellectually engaging. Many judges prefer clerks with practice experience.

          2) You have many transferable skills. Take a moment to write them down: negotiation, managing people (associates, paralegals), knowledge of the legal system, writing, public speaking, ability to review financial documents, etc. Then rewrite your resume and cover letter to emphasize those skills, and rather than the fact that you are a divorce attorney. Then, do a BROAD search on a job search site (like “director”) and look for jobs that use those skills, even if they are not legal jobs. If you’ve been negotiating divorce settlements for years, a contract specialist job would probably feel much less stressful for you.

          3) You mentioned nonprofits. I think a divorce attorney would be highly valuable to a nonprofit that focuses on domestic violence, family issues, children of divorce, etc, because you’ve seen it all.

          4) I personally think more education would not help you. Unless you decide you have a passion that requires a specific degree (e.g. nursing), avoid the expense of more education.

      • Senior Attorney

        I think there is a TON of overlap between family law and estate planning/elder law and related areas and if you took some CLE’s and hung out your shingle you should do great. These are areas that are going to be in more and more demand as the population ages. Your skills are more transferable than you think!

    • Anonymous

      Can you do a solo practice related to divorce ? With the increased number of covid divorces and reduced access to courts for non-urgent matters, I think there’s going to be an increased demand for divorce mediators. You presumably have a lot of contacts in the family law bar who might refer work to you.

      Even if you don’t want to stay in divorce/family law long term, transitioning to a mediation practice would allow you to build mediation experience and then transition to other types of mediation and then away from mediation – e.g. family law to property dispute mediation, (because you can demonstrate division of property experience), to property law etc. Same goes for pensions etc. Think of it as a 5 year work transition plan vs a straight to another job plan.

      Since everything is WFH at the moment, you wouldn’t get any side-eye if you don’t have a physical office space so that keeps your start up costs low.

    • Anon

      Apply for compliance roles (I work in compliance at a financial institution). They don’t care that you were a divorce attorney, they will just see your law degree and legal background as a plus.

      • Escape Hatch

        Interesting! When you say, “compliance roles,” can you be more specific about what that job posting might be titled, and what types of companies I should be searching?

        Thank you to everyone above for the great input.

        • Anon

          Sorry for the delay. I’m the Anon at 12:48. You can definitely make more than $75k in compliance at financial institutions, but I’ve never heard of a 75% or even part time role so that’s something to consider. I make $87k (before bonus) working as an individual contributor at a bank in a specific area of compliance (which falls under the greater risk management – maybe a key word to search). I’m also only 26 and have plenty of room to grow, which is an attractive plus for the field. With 12 years of experience and a law degree (I only have a bachelors), you’d likely be looking at entering at a higher position level and salary.

          I work in Anti-Money Laundering, but there are plenty of compliance areas at financial institutions – think about any law or regulation that has been passed in which banks must adhere to. They need to work with regulatory agencies such as the OCC, FDIC, Federal Reserve, etc. Look for roles like Senior Risk/Compliance Associate (my level) and Risk/Compliance Manager or Director. Search key words such as risk, compliance, privacy, governance, controls, and cyber. Every financial institution has a compliance program (it’s the law) so there is a huge field out there just with banking. It gets even bigger if you expand to industries like healthcare and tech, or really any corporation (google corporate compliance).

          I really hope this helps you and anyone else who is interested in compliance. I’m a firm believer in helping other women by sharing career information and salaries (either anonymously or when asked for equal pay purposes). Those with law degrees usually have an easier time getting into this field, so good luck to you if you decide to pursue it!

      • Anonymous

        +1- definitely
        Nonprofit CEO here: Compliance work at a local nonprofit, large enough to have some admin staff, is a way to get your foot in the door. Lots of nonprofits that have a healthcare slant (mental health agencies, etc) have need for compliance professionals. Most of them think they can’t afford to hire an attorney so they don’t usually consider one, IMHO. IF you can make a case that you know about compliance as it relates to the nonprofit’s particular business, AND you are not looking for a high salary (which they can’t pay) you can make the switch. I hired an attorney a few years ago as a staff compliance officer (he was burned out from a large firm) and it was a great move. Other nonprofits in my area have done the same. Good luck!

        • Escape Hatch

          I definitely am getting the impression with nonprofits that you need a “foot in the door.” I will look into the compliance angle! Thank you.

    • Anonymous

      Have you considered a government position? A lot of friends have moved to government attorney positions because government agencies are often willing to train to a new area of law — especially for someone who wants to do trial work. There is often better work-life balance and good benefits.Just something to consider.

      • Escape Hatch

        I am near a state capitol and would love to work at the legislature, right now I’m looking at a lower level job that could lead to something more interesting, as they seem to do a lot of internal hiring. I love legal research and would love to clerk, as someone mentioned above, but I only see postings for fresh grads/1 year. I’m thinking a lot of career clerk hiring is internal, too. I tried a bit of prosecution and it was horribly depressing to me. Almost all plea deals with people who had deeper problems. Thank you for your input!

        • Anonymous

          You may want to watch job postings at courts. In my state, the Supreme Court, Appeals Court, and Superior Court all have staff attorneys who earn in your range. Those are rarely internal hires — at least in my state.

    • Anonymous

      Can you take mediator training and get assignments from the local court? That way you are not stuck with clients who are at their worst. Or use your experience to apply to be a family law judge? That is often an entree to other judicial work. I have also seen lawyers with a wide range of backgrounds acting as administrative hearing officers.

  23. Anon

    Just FYI, for those of you who couldn’t understand the lack of A/C in the Bay Area and the subsequent complaining about the occasional hot day, the fog came back last night. So if I had bought a window unit on Monday, I’d be putting it away today until probably September.

    • Anon

      You can leave them in your window when they’re not on. No need to lug them around and put them away.

      • Anon

        I get that some people really want us to get window units but convincing me I need one and can just have a big ugly thing in my window for half the year and use it for maybe 10 days won’t convince the rest of the Bay Area. We just don’t have air conditioning here for the most part. It’s how it is.

    • Mary Ann Singleton

      I love that Karl the Fog, our natural A/C, returned last night. It was like a big sigh of relief. I live where I can see the fog roll in and I love it.

    • anon

      I ALSO happened to think about that thread again this morning! I would add that the houses here are really badly insulated, because winter is so short. Looking at the square footage of our last two places, we paid a ridiculous amount to heat, because everything was leaking everywhere. But hey, gas is cheap and you only run the heat for 3 months anyway, so why should landlords improve your cardboard walls in any way? On the flipside, you can’t keep the house cool on sunny days as well as you can a New England brick house where you draw the blinds.

      • anon

        I live in the SEUS. My last house was built in the 1930s. It was not insulated, and actually built for optimal airflow. This worked great in the spring and fall, when we could open the windows and let the breeze rip through the house. In the winter, it was fine because gas is super cheap (it was maybe an extra $25 per month to heat the house). In the summer, the electric bill was easily an extra $150 per month, and the brand-new AC with brand-new duct work had a hard time cooling the house below 80.

        • Anon

          I love the air flow in old houses, but I agree that this is exactly what ends up happening.

  24. Anonymous

    Would you feel ok with this? Live in a 1 bed. Building management sent out a notice saying they have to get into every apt to switch out the AC filter and do something to the system to switch from heat to AC. Obviously no one wants anyone entering now but if they don’t you can’t get the AC on which is going to be an issue in Virginia in the summer (it’s not a switch you can flip yourself).

    Their precautions seem ok to me though. They’ll knock and ask to enter. You DON’T go open the door presumably because that puts you at arms length. You instead go to the bedroom (or walk in closet), they open the door and enter. They do this yearly — walk thru living room to locked utility closet in the home office and do stuff inside the closet + then take out a panel at the edge of the living room and do something there and leave. Usually 1 guy, 5 min. Email says they’ll wear shoe covers (eh they wear the same ones apt to apt so I don’t like that) and a respirator which I assume means N95. The N95 makes me feel better. Would you ask/for or take further precautions? Do I wear a mask (I only have cloth) even in the other room? I’ll wipe down door handles when they leave. I can open windows but living on the 22nd floor I have 3 windows that open like 4-6 inches so not tons of airflow. My state hits phase I on Friday; they do this yearly in early May but looks like they held off this year. Anything make you super nervous here?

    • Anonymous

      I would make sure the service person’s mask does not have an exhalation valve.

      • Anonymous

        And what if it does? Is OP then supposed to go into June without AC in the south? Or chase down the right kind of mask and provide it to the guy? Sounds extreme

    • Cat

      Nothing that makes me nervous whatsoever. As more and more evidence reveals that the virus is spread by indoor, direct contact with people, the risks that one of the workers is an asymptomatic carrier and you get a significant enough dose of lingering mask-escaping droplets to get infected seems… enormously low.

      • Airplane.

        +1 Nothing about this makes me nervous at all. I would not assume they are wearing N95 (esp if they confused “respirator” with “mask”) but even a regular mask would be fine with me. Wipe the touch surfaced before and after – door handles of door and utlity closet.

        • Anonymous

          +1 Nothing about this makes me nervous at all. I would not assume they are wearing N95 (esp if they confused “respirator” with “mask”) but even a regular mask would be fine with me. Wipe the touch surfaced before and after – door handles of door and utlity closet.

          • Cat

            The point of the mask is to protect *other people near you* from your own breath-droplets. If you won’t be sharing the same space with the workers then there is no reason to wear a mask yourself.

    • Anonymous

      Nothing at all about this makes me remotely nervous, much less super nervous. NOTHING.

    • LaurenB

      I’m a scaredy-cat about COVID but this would not concern me at all. I’ve had refrigerator repairmen in my house. 1 guy, 5 minutes, you stand in the other room, wipe down stuff when they leave – you are fine.

    • anon

      My apartment building will be doing something like this too. I have no issues with it and think the precautions they are taking (plus the additional ones you can take yourself) are perfectly fine.

    • Anonymous

      i am very risk averse and have been conservative re: covid and i would be totally fine with this. i would just open the windows that you do have even with minimal airflow and perhaps turn a small fan on. i would also just wipe off the touched surfaces after they are gone. but that is low exposure time and low risk if they have a mask on so i think it is very low risk overall

    • PolyD

      My building is doing this, too, I’m not concerned at all. They ask that you leave the apartment or go on your balcony for the 15 minutes they are in, although I suppose you could hang out in the kitchen too. I had my dishwasher fixed shortly after all the fun started, and I’m fine with the precautions they took.

      Also, the maintenance guys live in the building, so I kind of hope the fact that they live here means all of us tenants take care not to expose THEM. I don’t think I’m explaining this right, but they are all very nice and the fact that we see them all the time makes me feel like we are all part of a family, sort of, so maybe will be more careful about exposing them.

      Not that it’s cool to carelessly expose strangers.

  25. Anon Probate Atty

    Can use some advice, especially from the lawyers on here. My dad has Alzheimer’s and broke his hip about two weeks ago. They performed surgery, but he never truly recovered. At this point, his body appears to be shutting down and we have been told he is at the end of his life. He won’t eat (hasn’t eaten for days), can’t swallow and barely wakes up for more than a second at a time. I live out of state and will have to get on a plane, flying out tomorrow afternoon and hoping that they will allow me to visit him. Currently the policy is to only allow visitors for people that are officially at the end of life, and I do not think that determination has been officially made yet.  this afternoon, he is being transferred out of the hospital back to the skilled nursing facility where he was previously living, and will be placed on hospice to make him comfortable. No feeding tube will be inserted. This is what he would have wanted, so I’m okay with it.

    My mom died when I was 18, so this will make me an orphan. I am really starting to get to the point where I’m having a hard time focusing at work. Of course, no one knows when his death will occur or when the funeral will be, I’m imagining in the next week or so but that’s just based on what I have been told secondhand from my stepmother at this point. I’ve been trying to call the facility, but so far no one has called me back. I’ve called 3 times since yesterday, trying to get information, so I can help my brother book a flight. He wants to be there but is coming from across the country and there is nothing available on Southwest for him, so he will be forced to book another airline which will not permit him to cancel once booked. I really need my brother’s support as he is my only sibling, my stepmother and I do not have the best relationship and I can use all the support I can get at this point.

    Workwise, I’ve not been through something like this before since owning my own law firm, I’m not sure what to do. I am a solo attorney with two legal assistants, no partners or associates . I have a contested hearing currently set for June 12 for which I should be preparing, issuing witness subpoenas, finalizing strategy, etc. at this point. I cannot get myself to begin on this. I am thinking of filing a motion of unavailability for the entire week next week not really knowing what the near future has in store. How would you approach this hearing? Should I file a motion for continuance now? I haven’t had a death in the family (yet) but if I wait until right before the hearing, that might make the judge angry, and I’m not sure if opposing counsel will agree to it. Of course, I do not want to sound callous, but what if my father just lingers for a while? I haven’t been in this position before and don’t really know what to do, I am truly starting to freak out and I’m finding it hard to think straight. Thanks for any advice you can give.

    • Pure Imagination

      I’m so sorry. From what you’ve described, it sounds like your father is already quite close to the end of life (not eating, not awake most of the time). It could be a matter of days. I would get out there as soon as you can, file a motion for continuance now, have your brother meet you there, and then take the rest day by day. Again, so sorry for what you’re going through.

        • Pure Imagination

          Good luck. Also, when you get there, you might feel awkward or like your dad isn’t even aware that you’re there. One thing hospice nurses told me (on the two occasions I sat bedside) was that hearing is one of the last senses to go. Your dad will hear you if you talk to him and will know that you’re there. If the facility doesn’t let you in, you might want to ask if they can hold a phone to his ear. It helped me so much to know that in the past and I hope it helps you as well.

          • Anon Probate Atty

            Thank you. I did call today and he still hasn’t been transferred back to the facility yet, but if his condition is as bad as it was yesterday, they will allow me, my stepmother and brother in to see him.

          • Never too many shoes...

            I second this. When my Dad was dying, we held the phone to his hear so his various siblings could call from overseas and I *know* he could hear them – he visibly relaxed when his youngest sister was talking to him.

    • Anon

      Well, depending on where you practice, it seems like the first thing to do is to email the judge, opposing counsel, and your client and tell them all what’s going on. People are normally very understanding in matters like this. “My father is near death, but I don’t know when he will pass. It could be a couple days or a couple weeks. He lives in X and my brother and I are his only relatives. I would like to be with him. Would you consider a _____? Thank you for your understanding.”

      • Senior Attorney

        Yes, this. Give them the chance to do the right thing. Pretty sure they will surprise you.

        • Anon Probate Atty

          Thank you. Even though we just had a contentious conversation yesterday morning, I think I’ll call OC first and let her know what is going on. She can be a bulldog but I don’t believe she’s a bad person, and I agreed to her request for a continuance earlier this year when she had a family member die. I don’t want to tell the judge that I haven’t run it past her, as they will probably ask.

          • Anonymous

            I have been the recipient of enormous kindness and understanding from people in my life who were ordinarily very tough on me. It’s so weird, my experience has been that the people who are sweet as pie and outwardly cheerleadery and supportive are often the least understanding when the chips are down. Whereas people who I find difficult to work with tend to be the most helpful and understanding when I am in crisis. I agree with SA, you will probably be surprised by the response you get.

            I am sorry about what you are going through with your father. It is a tough road to walk. Hugs.

          • Anonymous

            Ask your OC. Even the ones with whom you don’t have a great working relationship. I had a similar issue within the last year and I was steeled for battle when I had to call my OC to reschedule some dates. They were amazingly understanding about it. Most people (really, nearly all) are still human and understanding. Life comes first.

          • Jules

            Yes, contact OC and the judge. I think the other attorney will surprise you. When my father was ill and dying, I had to ask for accommodations from the single most obnoxious, disrepectful and abusive attorney I’ve ever dealt with (in my practice, that’s a very high bar). He was extremely understanding and courteous. (Once I was back to business as usual, he resumed actually calling me names in hearings . . .)

        • Anon Probate Atty

          Update: I called OC and she was so nice, it made me cry. She said do a Joint Motion, I’ll sign it with you. It really meant a lot. Thanks for giving me this advice. It really helps to lay all my thoughts out here.

          • Never too many shoes...

            That is great news. Sometimes it helps to remember that even the meanest bastards in the Bar have someone they love.

            I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult thing in such a time of uncertainty.

      • Delta Dawn

        I am so sorry about your dad. The script above from Anon at 12:17 is exactly what I would do. If you send it to the judge (or judge’s chambers) and opposing counsel on the same email, I bet the judge will agree to continue it even if the other lawyer is not nice about it. (And the other lawyer probably WILL be nice about it, because the judge is copied on the email and will know if he/she is not.) I’m sorry you are going through this.

      • Marie

        I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through.

        Definitely reach out to opposing counsel and the judge. No matter what my relationship is with other attorneys, I have never batted an eye on agreeing to an extension to accommodate a situation like this and have received the same courtesy in return. Once this hearing has been moved, you will be so relieved to be able to focus on your family, which is what is most important right now.

    • Coach Laura

      You could consult a hospice nurse or ask someone if you get them on the phone, but my experience is that the hospital told us it would be days, not weeks, once he stopped eating. I would go now, today and give notice to the judge/OC/client ASAP. Good wishes to you and hope you and your brother can support each other and remember only good memories.

      • Anon Probate Atty

        Thank you. That’s what I think, too. No one wants to lose their parent but this isn’t any way for him to live.

        • Anony

          My grandfather went through a similar situation in early March; he lived in a dementia care unit. Once he stopped eating, they put him in hospice care. My aunt flew home immediately. Hospice put him on morphine and if memory serves, he lasted another 5 days before passing away. I’m thankful it happened when it did as we were able to have a Catholic funeral which comforted my grandmother.

  26. Anon

    Hey Hive, can you share advice to help me build my confidence on conference calls? For background, I often find it challenging even in “real life” meetings to speak up. This is amplified on conference calls. First, I notice that meetings that otherwise would’ve involved 10 participants have ballooned to about three times that size, as it’s so non-committal to sit on a conference call versus actively showing up to a discussion and needing to engage or pay attention the whole time. Second, in my industry/network, no one uses video on conference calls, because we also need to share screens to review engineering drawings – and the video on top of this is a bandwidth/connection issue. I find it’s very hard to know when to speak, and inevitably people talk over each other incessantly. For someone who already feels intimidated about speaking up, these factors have upped my anxiety considerably. I just hope no one but me notices my shaky voice….

    Any tips you can offer for making peace with conference calls or running better ones to help address my nervousness would be great.

    • Anon

      I think I work in a similar environment and honestly I have just started talking when other people talk instead of pausing. I just can’t get a word in sometimes and need to butt in even if someone else is also trying to butt in at the same time. We do that awkward thing were we pause and say “go ahead” “no you go ahead” but it works. If you have something to bring up sometimes it’s easiest to do it right at the start before everyone gets rolling. It’s hard to do but the more you do it the easier it gets. Sometimes I also jot down what I’m going to say so that I’m ready to pounce.

    • Anonymous

      There’s a real difference between making peace with conference calls and running better ones. If you’re not the person running the call and there’s 30 people on it, I don’t see why you need to agonize over speaking up. Just let it happen and move on with your day. If you’re worried that if you don’t talk then something bad will happen to your job credibility, can you find other ways to be credible rather than speaking on a 30-person conference call? Surely there about 20 other people also worried about whether/when to speak and about 10 people who are clueless and just talk.

  27. Anonymous

    I feel like we are in such heavy times and am having a hard time focussing on work. I really wish work would slow down so that I could process everything that’s been going on (the pandemic, the racial violence, etc.) but instead work is busier than ever and I find myself having to repress everything to be able to focus on work, and I’m not even doing a good job on the work I’m submitting. I truly do not care about this job right now – there is so much else to spend my mental and emotional energy on. Unfortunately, I need this job. How do you cope? Do you compartmentalize (if so, how? I have no idea how to properly do this or if it is healthy)? I’m sure these emotions are heightened by the fact of social distancing but the world and work really feels like too much right now and I wish I could just get a break.

    • Anon

      I don’t have any advice, but I just wanted to say that this is a well written post for exactly how I’ve been feeling too. I feel so heavy, like all the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

    • Anonymous

      You can get a break, if you’re willing to take one. if you can bear it, after work each day step away from all screens, news sites, podcasts, social media for a week. Nothing terrible will happen to you, to anyone else, or to the world if you’re uninformed for a week. it sounds like you’ve on overload, and your heart and mind need a break. Read a book, go outside, stare at the sky, dance around the house, ride a bike to the park, go sit by a lake, get out some colors or crayons and draw while you listen to your favorite music . . .

    • Anonymous

      I removed the expectation that I care about my job. Right now, I work because I need food, shelter, education fund for my kids etc. And the economy is too unstable to rely on DH’s job alone. I’ll worry about loving my work and being fulfilled in my job next year when we get through the pandemic. To remind myself of this I literally have a post-it on my monitor that says ‘it’s not coal mining’. Kinda helps most days.

  28. Hollis

    My puppy turned 1 and decided she doesn’t like eating her kibble anymore. She used to devour it so quickly that we bought slow-feeder bowls but now she doesn’t touch it and will only eat it if we mix treats in it or if she’s so hungry she can’t help herself. We tried switching her from puppy formula to adult formula and it was the same. We switched her to a different flavor and same. Switched her to a different brand and same situation. We don’t want to go to canned food because we already have too much stuff in our fridge and our recycling bin. Any advice or suggestions from the dog-loving hive members?

    • Anonymous

      I’m having the exact same issue with my puppy, who is about to turn 1. What has helped sometimes is switching up flavours within the same brand (so for breakfast he gets the Pacific Salmon and for dinner he gets the Bison flavour), but sometimes even then he won’t eat it. The only thing that has consistently worked is putting down his breakfast in the morning and giving him a certain amount of time in which to eat it, and if he doesn’t, picking up the bowl and putting it on the counter so that there is no grazing until dinner. Same thing with dinner – if he doesn’t eat it at “dinner time”, then he has to wait until breakfast for it. After a couple days he seemed to realize that if he doesn’t eat his food when it’s given to him, he has to wait a long time to eat again!

    • Abby

      1. you can leave her and eventually she will eat. Sometimes my dog won’t eat breakfast until I get home from work, and when I feed dinner, she’ll eat right away. Her weight has been stable and vet is not concerned. We also use a feeding toy, sometimes she’s just not into it.
      2. if you want to make the kibble a little tastier, you can add a little chicken broth, or mix in chopped hot dogs. I do the second option when we train, and I don’t want her having a ton of treats on top of a meal, but also want the training to be more special.

      • Anonymous

        First, to avoid giving too many treats, we use our dog’s normal kibble as treats. We just keep a container on the counter of his kibble for treats, so he doesn’t get a ton of treats.
        Second, for treats, we make him ice cream (we mix non-fat plain yogurt with peanut butter or pumpkin) and put in paper cups in the freezer. Then we pop it out of the cup to give to our dog. Great for summer and keeps him occupied for a bit while he licks it.
        And finally to answer your specific question, we put broth on our dog’s food when he loses interest in eating but I agree with leave it out and give her time. Our dog doesn’t always eat on our schedule.

    • Anonymous

      Will she eat while you are eating? Unless she’s extra hungry, our dog won’t eat until the humans sit down to a meal.

    • Anon

      We have a Great Kibble Standoff with our pup every couple months. Per recommendation from our vet, just stay the course. She’ll get hungry and will eat it eventually. If it goes on for more than two days without taking any water or seeing BMs, we’re supposed to bring her it because it could be something else. Two days (four meals) is the longest our pup has gone without eating, but sure as day, #5 she devours it.

      We were at one point adding pumpkin or putting a treat or two on top to lure her to the bowl. The vet astutely pointed out that dogs are smart, our lab anyway is, and knew to wait for the pumpkin or treat before eating. He told us to stop doing it or prepare to do that forever. (Now that I have a two year old I can say definitively that the eating habits/mind trickery between her and our lab are alarmingly similar.)

    • The original Scarlett

      We bought “meal mixers” – a freeze dried meat thing that we crumble up and put on top of the kibble and add warm water so it makes a brothy soup and softens the kibble up and our dog goes nuts for it. Might be easier to try jazzing up the kibble before going to wet food. I also like the freeze dried stuff because it’s easier to keep around than broth (which can also have onions in it, which isn’t good for dogs)

    • AnonATL

      Oh hunger strikes are common in our household too. When our dog first started doing it, I would splash a bit of broth on there. Now he just gets a bit of water. It’s 100% a psychological game that he wants to feel special compared to the younger dog who will eat anything in sight.
      Otherwise, I just leave the food out, and he eats when he wants. Periodically he leaves it unattended and the other dog will finish it off but that’s uncommon. We feed twice a day and his weight is stable so I don’t worry much if the other dog steals a half bowl of food from him every few weeks.
      We try to switch up flavors each time we buy a new bag, but stick with the same Kirkland kibble each time.

    • MJ

      I just capitulated and bought ground turkey from Costco (way cheaper than Stella & Chewys) and cook a pound a week and put a little on top of each meal. Also, my dog used to go on hunger strike if her kibble was stale, so look at how you’re storing her kibble and see if that has anything to do with anything. It may not….GL.

  29. Anonymous

    If you live in a part of the country where it’s common to live in a house rather than an apartment (so not Manhattan), yet you live in an apartment, do you feel people judge/make comments? This has always been a minor thing in my friend group as in — are you ever going to buy a house? As I shrug it off. I have my reasons. I’m a move for a good opportunity kind of person and homes hinder that if you want to leave the area or if you even want to pick up a job 20 miles away but it’s in the wrong direction in our nightmare traffic area. I’m also big on investing, net worth, and financial independence and for me right now in my area, property doesn’t achieve that. Yet I just shrug it off because I’m not explaining my financial goals. I know they “gloat” a little as in — hmm 9 yrs in biglaw and she can’t buy a house, we didn’t even stay in biglaw over 3 years are better off. While the truth is yeah I can buy a sizeable property.

    Lately though I’m like, why am I “friends” with these people. More than one of them have said to my face (virtually), thank goodness I don’t live in am apartment, my townhouse/SFH is paradise. Uh FWIW I don’t feel any more hindered in an apt right now than I would in a house. Also having lived in NYC for 10 years where it was all apartments + living the first 10 years of my childhood in apartments until my immigrant parents bought + all my family in Asia and the Middle East in apts, IDK but I don’t see apartments dwellers as low life losers. I’m usually an in one ear, out the other person but am feeling like I’ll go off of the next person with such judgments of me or I’ll just state my net worth for them (j/k I would never). Is this just my friends? Anyone experience this?

    • Senior Attorney

      Well certainly if you want to put them in their place you can absolutely tell them your doubtless-higher-then-theirs net worth, which would be crass but no more than they deserve. Or if somebody said “thank goodness I don’t live in an apartment” to me, I’d say “OMG did you really mean to say that out loud to me?”

      Seriously if people are awful to you I think at some point they deserve to get called on it.

      • Senior Attorney

        That said, remember everybody is pretty much at the end of their ropes at this point. The other option is to just “consider the source,” as my mom used to say.

    • Anonymous

      So I have one (not super close) friend like this. Comes across as a very nice supportive person who is totally ok with anyone doing anything they want — you want to quit Wall Street to be a juggler, you want to marry someone you’ve known for 18 hours, omg do it. Took a while to realize that behind that there is a LOT of insecurity and comparative-ness. She is really supportive of the friend who wants to be a juggler but kind of adding up the numbers on the friend who decides to stay in biglaw for the whole associate track + then lands a 200k+ post biglaw job because frankly she didn’t. Couldn’t survive law firm life and then went to a lower paid 9-5. That’s totally fine but the sideways comments are ALWAYS directed to those making more and yeah she does gloat to one of our friends whose in your boat. That friend I would guess is easily worth $2mil around age 40 — the gloating friend knows it’s not about money. So often the person doing the talking has the problem, not you.

    • Anonymous

      This isn’t an issue in my friend circle but it is in my extended family. We come from a showy immigrant culture — huge McMansions. Because I don’t have one plus no one assumes I’ll ever have one at 40 and unmarried (because a girl could never buy alone), I get apt comments along with — it’s just you what do you need a house for. It’s insecurity. They know I could buy one tomorrow on a single income if I wanted and they don’t love that as it’s all couples who stretched with 2 incomes to get the right kind of house. Shrug. Not my issue.

    • Anon

      Last summer, I vented here about a now-former friend who is full of snotty comments, up to and including telling me that my marriage was less valid than hers because I got married in my late 30s.

      Someone wisely pointed out that her life probably wasn’t all that great. On the surface, actually, her life is pretty great, but it took me a while to see her insecure status competition for what it is. (She’s a teacher; husband is a middle manager who flunked out of college but is pretty good in the workforce; they just bought a massive house in a nice area and I think she is really eager to show that she “belongs” by putting people down.)

      I think you’re dealing with a similar thing. This is what frenemies do, not what friends do. Maybe they are insecure about where their careers took them. Maybe they need to be “better” than objectively amazing people to show off.

      • Anonymous

        Yikes. So by what age must one snag a man to have a valid marriage? 22? 25? Man people are insecure . . . .

      • Marie

        I remember that extremely rude comment.

        Whenever people like this try to compare one specific aspect of their lives to mine in a way that may make me feel insecure or insulted, I always think to myself about whether I would want to trade my entire life for their entire life (the good and the bad, not just the one random “amazing” area they are, of course, focused on) and the answer is always, always, ALWAYS, no.

    • Ribena

      I feel like there are two separate things there – the apartment/house thing and the rental/purchase thing. I think people who live in houses and have outdoor space are really appreciating it at the moment and that’s where some of the apartment comments come from?

      • Anonymous

        Appreciating it enough to essentially say — haha glad I’m not stuck in an apartment like you? Which is essentially what these people are saying. That’s rude and comes across like I can say what I want because I’m couching it as #blessed. OP is in a position where if sounds like she could buy next week — the way rich people are doing in NY, buying sight unseen in NJ or suburban NY — or she could go rent a house for the summer and pay double rent just for the outdoor space. But what if she couldn’t and an apartment was her only choice. Would it be ok to gloat about ones house and yard then?

        • Ribena

          I completely agree that it’s annoying! I live in an apartment too but one I own, so I suppose I was just trying to distinguish the two. I got invited to a work Zoom about ‘workouts you can do in your garden or on your balcony’ and felt like replying to ask whether there would be anything relevant for people who have neither.

    • Arnie

      I don’t think there’s anything wrong in saying “I could buy a house if I wanted to right now, but I don’t.” You don’t have to go into the gory details but at some point if other people are being this rude you can be a bit assertive too to shut it down.

      You can also make more of a joke out of it – “I could buy a house, but what if I want to move to Hawaii next year?” etc

    • Anon

      Yes, I have dealt with this from friends, family, and coworkers, but mainly from family. My brother stayed in the suburbs of the LCOL city where we grew up. He got married at 25, bought a large house that would cost 8x the price where I currently live, and he and his wife both play the comparison game sometimes. There are definitely comments about how I’m “STILL renting” and “you’ll get there one day.” It also feels like my family generally views him as more successful because he is a married homeowner, whereas I am a single apartment renter, even though I earn more than him. It sucks but I’ve gotten over it by realizing I would never want to live in the suburbs where he and my parents live. I like my city life.

      • Anon

        And by “city life,” I didn’t mean Manhattan, but it is city-ish compared to back home, and like you, I like the flexibility right now of being able to move around.

    • Anon

      Yes, constantly. I live in the SEUS, and the message is explicitly that I’m not a real adult until I’m a home owner. I do feel guilty about not being able to reciprocate social occasions that require a lot of space and try to compensate in various ways for that.

      I have some medical conditions that are easier and cheaper to manage when I don’t have a lot of house to look after and keep cool, and I have some mobility challenges that aren’t visible or generally obvious. It’s not that I’d hate to live in a house, but it feels like a high risk proposition to me to tie up a lot of money in a house that I may not be able to maintain on my own. Unfortunately this probably DOES fit the lowlife lower stereotype in some ways, so I try not to bring that up!

      • Anon

        (On the other hand, some of the critique may be fair, because I think I do feel reluctant to put down roots or potentially get stuck somewhere.)

      • Anon

        +1 on your first sentence, that line of thinking seems to be very prominent in the SEUS

    • Thanks, It Has Pockets!

      I don’t know if I would’ve taken that comment personally. I guess it depends on the inflection, but as someone who is renting, if someone said to me “I’m glad I don’t live in an apartment anymore” right now because they’re appreciating the benefits of a house, or ownership (which right now seems a bit safer than renting at the moment), then I’d probably just be happy for them, and chime in that yeah, I wish we had a yard and some distance from our neighbors too!

      If you’re feeling judged, you could remind people you’re renting so you can move for a job if the right opportunity arose, because it’s easier to break a lease than it is to sell a house. Then change the subject.

    • Anonymous

      It doesn’t matter what you do, someone will say something idiotic. We are in a HCOL area, were super excited to buy a house, and SIL said “oh, what a nice starter home.” So instead, just say that you really like being able to move for your job, and move on.

    • Anon

      I always find when someone is consistently saying judgy things to me it’s really more about them than it is about me.

      The first time someone asks you why you live in an apartment you might say “I like it” of “it suits me” or something like that and change the subject. I would assume the vast majority of people would drop it and not bring it up again.

      If you have people bring it up again over and over just ask “why is this so important to you?”

      I find these are the same people who ask these questions:
      Are you dating anyone?
      When are you going to get married?
      When are you going to have a baby?
      When are you going to have another baby?
      Isn’t that enough babies? When are you going to stop?

      I find people want others to have exactly the same life they have.

    • anon

      Something similar has happened to me. DH and I were some of the first people in our circle to buy property, but we bought a triplex and lived in the approx. 1000 square foot upstairs apartment for 8 years, 3 years with our infant/toddler. During our 8 years in that apartment, we managed to build about $50K in equity (not including any increased value in the property) and save another $70K. Meanwhile, everyone else in our circle also had kids and bought large houses. We definitely got a lot of judgmental questions about when we were going to move, when we were going to upgrade, etc.

      We finally did move. For our family, it was the right decision at the right time. And you know what? During our open house, about 3 people asked us, “So, when are you going to get a dog?” It never stops. Don’t live your life based on other people’s expectations, or even their thoughtless questions.

  30. Anon

    I found out today I’m officially a permanent remote employee. I will no longer have an office and I don’t have to live in this city, state or even country. It’s kind of crazy. This is something I actually really wanted (my husband already worked remotely and since kids have summers off from school, it was only my job keeping us here in the summers) but now that it’s happened I’m unexpectedly sad about it. I will miss getting dressed and going into an office and seeing people and getting a break from my husband! I know in non-pandemic times when we can travel and I can work at a library or coffeeshop it will be better, but I was so looking forward to seeing my co-workers again when this situation was over and it still feels surreal that I may never see them again (we’re friendly but not close enough to socialize outside the office).

    • Anonymous

      I’m sorry. Lots of good things also come along with a loss. You’re getting a good thing, but you’re also losing something real — something that is particularly valuable right now when we’ve been isolated for so long. And, it was unexpected, and you didn’t get to choose the timing after talking it over and being excited and planning for it. So don’t feel bad about feeling some grief and loss along with feeling thankful for the good part of it.

  31. annette

    Has anyone posted a job on LinkedIn? How much did you pay and how did you decide what to pay?

    • CountC

      I have only posted jobs via posts on my profile page, which is free. I am not sure what our recruiters/company pays, if anything, for sponsored (?) posts or the premium stuff. Is that what you mean by how much did you pay?

  32. Anon in HR

    Do you have the option to keep going into the office? How safe is your industry from lay-offs? I just ask because if lay-offs might be coming, you might want to keep going into the office. It’s so much easier to lay-off someone when you haven’t seen their face in weeks/months and do it over the phone. I don’t mean to freak you out, but I’d seriously reconsider full-time remote work if I had the choice right now.

    • anon2

      The company where I work is laying off people – I know for a fact that this made no difference in who to lay off at my company.

      • anon2

        And also, if the company decided she is permanently WFH, how exactly should she force her way back into the office?

    • Thanks, It Has Pockets!

      I guess it depends on the company to some extent, but usually the choice of who to keep and who to lay off is done by 1) looking at long-term data of the employees, departments, etc. and 2) figuring out what the company is going to need going forward. If layoffs are looming, people often scramble to seem ultra-productive and as present as they can be, hoping they can influence the decisions, but that doesn’t always work.

      Also, going into the office won’t do much if your boss and the higher-up decision makers are still working from home.

    • Anon

      Is this meant for me, the person who just got told my job is permanently remote? I no longer have the option to go into the office, that’s what I meant when I said I was told my job is permanently remote. Lay-offs are a definite possibility, that’s obviously been on my radar for a long time, but I don’t think this means I’m more at risk than others. Basically what we were told is that they’ve decided that WFH is going great for certain departments including mine, so they want to re-purpose our office space for other uses. Our department is pretty mission critical so there’s no way we would all be laid off unless the entire organization goes under.

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