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Updated: Mar 5, 2021 139 Comments · by

Suit of the Week: Boss

Suit of the Week

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For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional.

Ooh: This classic suit from Boss is currently 35–40% off at Hugoboss.com. I love the blue-on-blue “oversized check” and the peaked lapels for a masculine touch. I'm not generally a fan of double-breasted blazers, but this interesting press-stud closure has a very sleek, cool look. I love the straight trousers, too.

It's a virgin-wool blend with a touch of stretch, which sounds perfect for almost all seasons.

The blazer was $595 (now marked to $357), and the pants were $298, now down to $178; sizes 0–14 are still available. Nice. (Nordstrom doesn't have this exact suit, but there's still a crazy number of Boss suits up to 60% off, and Bloomie's has a bunch of options in the 30–40% off range.)

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Sales of note for 9.10.24

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

  1. Anon

    Are you seeing cleaners return to the shelves where you’re located? Helpful if you could say where you are + what type of store (Target, Costco, grocery etc.)

    I need to restock not to sanitize my groceries but to actually clean my house and can find nothing. I’m not even in need of anything specific like a Lysol spray or wipes. Any type of spray cleaner that sanitizes plus a few cans of a powdered cleaner like Comet or Ajax would do. I feel like any time any cleaners show up it’ll be like a pallet of wipes which are sold in moments — yet wipes are for wiping down things not necessarily to clean a bathroom. Curious how the situation is around the country. Is it improving anywhere? I’m in N Va.

    • Vicky Austin

      Weirdly, no. No disinfectant wipes or spray at my local grocery store the last two times I’ve gone (once yesterday). Upper Midwest. Everything else is fine – flour, rice, eggs, even the TP is back. No Clorox.

      • Vicky Austin

        Other responses are reminding me that the other grocery store in town (which is much smaller) has been posting Facebook pictures of fully stocked shelves of Clorox. Doh. The solution is clear!

    • Anon

      I live in Houston and the past few times I’ve gone to our supermarket I’ve had no trouble finding these things – but I’ve had good timing as there have only been a few left on the shelf. My parents live in Montgomery County, MD and they have been having trouble like you have.

      • Pink

        I live in Moco (TX) just north of Houston and I started seeing cleaning products on the shelves again starting about three weeks ago. I noticed Target was restocked first, then HEB. Walmart was never out but I don’t shop there (DH went a few times and commented on what was in stock). We’re still having trouble sourcing bleach for the pool (sorry I realize that’s a very privileged statement).

    • Anon

      Suburbs of Baltimore – our big chain grocery store grocery store hasn’t had much supply, but a smaller local chain (just 4 locations) is almost always full up.

    • bellatrix

      I’m in Charlotte, and anything antibacterial/sanitizing is hard to get, but the other cleaning shelves (so probably Comet/Ajax) are usually stocked, though you may not be able to get a specific brand. I noticed the other day that Target had a lot of cleaners online-only — maybe so they don’t have a madhouse in aisle 12? My need wasn’t urgent, so I decided to wait — I don’t especially like the idea of liquid cleaning products coming through the mail — but with Target, you can usually do ship-to-store. Not sure about other retailers.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I’m slowly/intermittently seeings things come back- like windex and all-purpose sprays (Kroger, Indianapolis). Disinfecting wipes are nowhere to be found, and neither is the bleach-based cleaner I like to use on my white sink.
      Could you order a cleaning concentrate and a spray bottle?We’ve been using a big bottle of Mr Clean all-purpose concentrate that we bought before lockdown. Or use vinegar to sanitize?

    • Anonymous

      I haven’t had trouble (Great Plains), but I understand that doesn’t help you much.

      If it does help, I use baking soda on sinks and tubs rather than a powdered cleanser like Comet or Ajax. For my stainless steel sink, I use Barkeepers Friend (love that stuff).

      • Elizabeth

        Barkeeper’s friend is good for everything — scouring baked on pots/baking dishes, brightening up the sink, getting the crud out of the bathroom corners. It’s definitely my most used cleaner.

    • Senior Attorney

      I have had great luck finding scarce items of all kinds, including cleaning products, at the small Mexican market in my neighborhood. So maybe try looking at smaller places like that.

      • Seventh Sister

        We’ve been doing the same at the local Indian grocery. Including a pound of yeast!

    • Anon

      In Chicago and I am still not seeing disenfecting sprays back. target / grocery stores have Plenty of mrs Meyers and those types of spray cleaners. Not seeing Lysol wipes anywhere except one random Walgreens.

    • Anon

      We have everything except cleaning wipes. I’ve been kind of surprised to learn how many people don’t know how to clean without those disposable wipes! Lots of discussion on community Facebook groups about this. I think even early on people were flocking to Target, Costco, etc but most grocery stores, drug stores, etc were still pretty well stocked.

    • Anon

      Small city-style Target in NYC this weekend had everything in stock except wipes. Perhaps some brands or specific types were missing, I just grabbed the one thing I needed, but overall the shelves were full.

    • NY CPA

      NY suburbs. I was honestly shocked that Acme (grocery store chain) had tons of toilet paper (even the nice name brands), but minimal spray cleaner. I managed to snag 1 bottle of Clorox bathroom spray but that was the only one left. They might have had some other brands but I didnt really notice. Weirdly they were out of Windex (which I was looking for), but I found some at CVS. Whole foods had some Method brand cleaning products and probably some other organic-y ones. I question their sanitizing ability though, but not sure if that is justified.
      TLDR: try multiple different brand grocery stores and pharmacies–each had some of what I was looking for

    • AFT

      Chicago suburbs – I was just able to get Windex and (to my surprise) Lysol spray on Amazon Fresh. I’ve seen some cleansers on the shelf when I’ve gone in the store, but more picked over.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      North Carolina here. I’ve found wipes at Publix a couple of times in the past month, but it’s very much a luck of when you show up situation. Premade disinfecting sprays also tend to be out, but just a jug of bleach is usually in stock.

    • Anon

      I’ve been able to order Meyer or Mrs Meyer cleaning spray from Target, which I’ve generally found a lot more reliable for this kind of thing recently vs amazon or trying to get it though instant cart. I haven’t been able to get my beloved 409 but there are several “recipes” online for making your own. Save your empty spray bottles for this!

      • anon a mouse

        Northern Virginia – we haven’t seen 409 in months. We’re down to the dregs of our last bottle.

    • anon

      Huh, I can find cleaning supplies at all the places you mentioned. Upper Midwest here. Clorox wipes are still dicey and you can’t always be picky about brands, but you can definitely find general cleaning supplies.

    • Anon

      I’m in DC, and I’ve had luck finding cleaning supplies at a Northern Virginia Target mid-morning during the week

    • Anonymous

      SF Bay Area here and things are coming back generally but aren’t always in stock everywhere. I’ve had some luck looking on the Target webs*te for the hot commodity I want (for me this is usually flour) and then checking which local store has it in stock. As others say, the more flexible you can be regarding brands, the better.

    • anon

      central coast of CA, lucked out and found clorox wipes last week at my Vons, and also snagged a five pack of lysol spray at Costco about one month ago. All other cleaning supplies seem generally available (though not super well stocked – I only see one or two bottles/cans on the shelf) at grocery stores and/or Target, especially if I go earlier in the day.

    • BB

      If you haven’t tried it already, I’ve had good luck using the Walgreens/Target sites to look up in-store stock and know which store to go to. I bought some anti-bac spray cleaner about 6 weeks ago at the beginning of shelter-in-place and it was in stock at one of our local Walgreens. Also lots of bathroom disinfectants.

    • NY CPA

      If you have Amazon Fresh, they seem to have clorox in stock (l!nk to follow)

    • Anon

      I’m in central Virginia and I haven’t been able to find anything – all aisles for soap, cleaning supplies, toilet paper, tissues, and paper towels are absolutely empty every time I go to Target or the grocery store. My mom had to mail me toilet paper. What I don’t get is why toilet paper shelves are still empty. It’s not like demand for it has gone up for any reason other than hoarding. Why are people still hoarding months later?

      • Anon2

        Because in a couple of months we are going to be hit so hard by a second wave or spike and people are stocking up on necessities even now because we can tell (from all the videos of all the people not social distancing) that we are looking at bleak times ahead.

        • Anon

          So that means hoard and keep people who need supplies now from actually getting them? Great.

    • vinegar

      How about vinegar mixed with water in a spray bottle? I use that for most cleaning around the house. I’m in Courthouse and vinegar is still in stock in the grocery aisle of CVS and the grocery stores.

      • ER

        Or Lowe’s. Our Lowe’s had a ton of cleaning and paper products, I think b/c most people don’t think of it first for that sort of thing.

    • Anonymous

      Much belated reply, sorry. Down in Florida, the industrial cleaning supply stores have those types of things as well as office toilet paper rolls. We were able to get two cans of some type of Lysol-like spray at a vacuum cleaner repair store that does a lot of business supplying professional cleaners, for example.

  2. Sloan Sabbith

    If anyone needs a good PDF editor for Mac, PDF Expert is $30 (usually $80) through the CNN Store (?) for another couple of days. I have it on my iPad and it’s fantastic, so I picked it up and it’s a good reader/editor/annotator for Mac! I have Adobe Pro on my work computer and have been missing it when WFH.

    • Pure Imagination

      This wasn’t on that thread (IIRC), but someone else recommended the book Say Nothing and I devoured it in a day. It’s probably one of the best non-fiction books I’ve ever read. Thanks to whomever that was!

        • anon

          I CANNOT WAIT to read this. Curtis Sittenfeld is one of my favorite authors.

          • Anon

            I read it last week. I enjoyed it, but there were things I would have changed about it. I’m a big Curtis Sittenfeld fan.

      • anon

        I loved Say Nothing! I read it in just a couple of days, which is fast for me reading nonfiction. Usually, it takes me weeks to finish nonfiction because I read a few chapters and then pick up my next novel, then return once I finish that novel–rinse and repeat :-)

    • Anon

      I feel like a lot of people here were probably such precocious readers that we were reading adult books by the same age, but I think sometimes YA can be a little advanced for tweens.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        That’s very true. I didn’t read many “tween” books except Saddle Club and Babysitter’s Club.

      • Carmen Sandiego

        I can see this. I was one of those readers and thinking back now on some of the books I read then, I’m like whoa – I definitely was not ready to read that/I did not grasp the full meaning of that at the time!

        • Sloan Sabbith

          In 8th grade, my school librarian bought a ton of books for those of us that were more advanced than the school library and loaned them out. I borrowed My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult to read on one of those “Read All Day” days schools sometimes had. One of my teachers asked what I was reading and then read over my shoulder. They happened to read the page I was on with a dictionary definition of “s*x” and took the book away from me because it was “inappropriate”. I threw such a gigantic “How dare you take that book from me” fit, which was very much unlike me, that they called my dad to have him come pick me up because I sat in the hall and refused to read anything else until they gave me back the book. The librarian was on my side (what I think he actually said was “She could go look it up in the dictionary herself, here’s a dictionary right here if you want to confirm it’s in there”) and gave me the book. I still have it.

      • Anon

        I think this is one reason I read more classic literature as a tween and young teen than I ever have since. Victorian censorship was actually a pretty good fit for me at that age!

  4. Anonymous

    How would you react to this? I’m dating a guy who has two smallish children. We’ve been dating for nearly a year and I’m starting to hang out with kids. The other night, I was at BF’s place to have dinner with him and the kids. During dinner, I got a work call and said, excuse me I have to take this, and went to the other room. When I got back, BF chastised me in front of his kids because apparently in their home, everyone has to ask the entire table to be excused and has to wait for their response. If I had done that, I would’ve missed my call. BF is in biglaw too so I don’t understand what he doesn’t understand about needing to jump when a client returns your call. I also think it’s weird to require adults to ask children for permission to be excused from the table, and I’m super annoyed at the notion that as a woman I have to ask a man if I can move around freely. I guess if that’s the way he wants to run his house then I will do my best to remember, but I’m sure I’m going to forget at some point. I really don’t want to be scolded (again) like I’m 6. He even used the same tone he uses with the kids – I felt humiliated. Maybe I’d be less annoyed if he had said – hey just so you know… – rather than that sing song tone parents use to politely correct their errant children. I talked to a friend about it and she thinks I’m in the wrong and should respect how he’s trying to raise his kids. Am I out of line here?

    • Cat

      I mean, it’s his family rules (I get what he’s trying to protect – an old school family dinner), but I’m on your side that calling you out in a “parent” tone in front of the kids was inappropriate… and I’m very curious if he would risk a call going to voicemail himself. Have you actually seen anyone in the family comply with this “rule”?

      • Anonymous

        But sharing a meal with someone who uses the wrong spoon — do you call out your friend? You can correct your child because it is your job to teach your child table manners. It is not your job to correct your friend. Why even have people to break bread with you if this is how you treat people?

        • Cat

          Did you read my whole comment? That was my point – “calling you out that way is inappropriate.”

          • Cat

            Ah hit post too fast. I do see other comments below that having the bf enforce this rule on the OP is kind of weird – like, are you a guest and therefore shouldn’t be aware of the policy, or are you part of the family and therefore should have input into the policy as fellow adult? But I could also see this as “modeling expected behavior for children gone too far.”

            Anyway – OP I agree you are right to be weirded out by this and it’s worth further discussion.

    • CountC

      Had he ever told you about this “rule” before? If not, then how in the world were you supposed to know?

      I would be super annoyed by the tone as well. I’d want to have a discussion about it away from the kids and lay out my position (I hadn’t been told the rule, I felt XYZ when the tone was used), etc. to see how he responded before I decided how big of a deal this was to me.

      • Pure Imagination

        +1. How he responds after the discussion is how I’d determine how much to push this. If he responds “I’m sorry, I should have realized it wasn’t fair to spring it on you like that and that of course I shouldn’t have used my ‘kid voice’ on you – I was trying to model the new rule for the kids but didn’t think it through,” that’s way different from “wait you’re annoyed that I’m trying to model good behavior for my kids?”

      • OP

        Right, the rule hadn’t come up before. I wish he’d pulled me aside like you said, that way we could talk about it. I didn’t feel like I could say much in front of his kids.

    • Vicky Austin

      “When I got back, BF chastised me – ” okay, sure, broke a house rule, although you didn’t know it was one.

      “in front of his kids” – NOPE. This would be very embarrassing for me too. I don’t think it’s the right way to treat someone you hope to have any kind of future with. And it made his kids lose respect for you. Why could he not have discussed it with them later?

    • Anon

      My guess is that you’re caught in some crossfire; the kids probably asked Dad why you got up from the table without asking, so he “had” to chastise you for it. He’s probably modeling for them the behaviour he wants to see in them, which includes asking permission to leave the table.

      Guessing further, the kids might have “asked” to be excused then leapt up without waiting for a response, thus this rule.

      In your position, I would talk with the BF and really drill down to the reasons for this rule. This isn’t to challenge how he raises his kids so much as how to work within the boundaries of what he’s trying to do.

      • cbackson

        I think the BF’s error is assuming that “we chastise people for breaking a rule they didn’t know about” is an appropriate behavior to model. The right thing to do would have been to tell the kids that he’d never told her the rule. Ignorance of the law is no excuse, but ignorance of house rules like this definitely is.

        • Anon

          I’m the Anon at 3:26 PM, and I think the BF has a whole host of errors.

          What I’m driving at is that there are reasons that he may have acted this way, even if he was wrong to have acted that way. It does no good to get into a fight about accepting his parenting strategies versus her right to be treated like an adult; that is completely unproductive and neither concern addresses the other.

          I think the OP’s friend was slightly misguided; you cannot tell other people how to parent their kids, but you can require that you be treated with respect (and some of that involves not parenting them via chastising you). Good parenting is not done by treating a grown adult like a child. IMHO, “not parenting” other people’s kids is a two-way street: you don’t parent them or set house rules, but they aren’t ‘parented’ via proxy, i.e. chastising grown adults like children.

    • anon

      This sounds really red flag-y to me. Chastizing you like a child, in front of his children is not cool. You are a grown up and on equal footing with him, right? Would you treat him, or a friend, or anyone else you loved this way?
      I get that you are a guest at his house but that’s all the more reason for him to be polite about bringing up the household rules- ESPECIALLY if he didn’t mention anything up to this point.
      Is this a first time occurrence of this type of behavior? This would make me question any long term commitment to this man.
      I don’t think you are out of line. I think he is.
      I hope you can have a discussion and set your boundaries and get information. Ex: do not talk to me like that in front of the children, I will try to respect the rules of your household, but I may forget despite my best efforts, where did the origins of ‘having to ask everyone for permission before they answer a work call/leave the table come from?’, I have to answer the phone if a client calls, even at dinner (or maybe you don’t? But that’s up to YOU to decided, it’s your job, not his), so can we build a plan together that accommodates this when I come over? If he is uncompromising or gets angry about this, that’s a lot more red flags.

      • Carmen Sandiego

        I agree with all of this. This whole situation is just icky-feeling to me. I would not be ok with being spoken to like that (in front of kids or not) and I don’t think you’re out of line. It would definitely make me re-evaluate the relationship. Would also be interested to know if this is the first time he’s done something along these lines?

      • Anon

        Yeah I don’t like this either. Put your foot down firmly about being treated like an adult in your relationship. If you let this slide, what’s next?

      • anon

        +2. An adult woman being treated like a child is unacceptable to me and for him to reprimand her in front of the kids is beyond humiliating.

        • Anon2

          +3. Red flags a-waving. Don’t think he won’t talk to you that way in front of his kids even if you’re married to him.

    • Anon

      um, I think that is very strange. I think if you said, “excuse me, this is an important work call I have to take,” you should not have to ask permission to leave the table, but more importantly he should he have chastised you in front of his kids. or he should have told you about this practice in advance. i do understand the idea of not having cell phones at the dinner table. and i know many people with this policy, even if they are in big law (even people in big law have to go to the bathroom or shower), and maybe make exceptions if they are a doctor on call.

    • Anonymous

      Nope.

      You are either an adult guest, who is not subject to family rules. You politely excuse yourself. Asking to be excused is for children.

      Or it is your (adult) table, too, in which you set the rules and jointly agree to abide by them.

      IDK which rules happens when. If you are dating, perhaps you fall under the guest rule. But a long-term girlfriend has a claim that it can be a bit “her table too” and gets a say in how those rules work. I am a parent and was a step parent before I was a parent and I don’t dress down adults in my house at my table, especially in front of my kids, guest or not. That is just not OK on so many levels. Sharing a meal is a gift and should be celebrated. I let calls go to voice-mail unless emergencies (and I think the exception can be a kid-time big-law dinner meal, which is actually during work hours for everyone still at the office (further caveated by I am an equity partner and you can bet calls get triaged and most calls do wait to get returned if not known emergencies)).

    • Monday

      The book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin was recommended on this site. I just finished it. I think you’ll find it super relevant, as it definitely talks about this type of dynamic. It would point you to talking to your boyfriend about how you can present as a united partnership, not you being scolded by him in front of the kids in a way that undermines you.

      • Anonymous

        He shouldn’t treat you worse than a guest or any other adult. I don’t think he’d correct guest kids or anyone else who didn’t sign on to the rules. I might say to a friend of my kids using a phone at the table that “We leave our phones in the basket while we eat” but I also feel that calls are so rare (vs texting) that if a kid or anyone gets a call that it is probably a call you should at least triage with caller-ID and sometimes answer. But a kid with a gentle reminder =/= scolding and I’d never talk to a grownup like that. I think that a grownup knows no phones at a dinner table (or would infer), but you don’t dress down a grownup that you care about.

    • Anonymous

      He is out of line. You are adults and equal partners in your relationship. Talk to him
      about how a) you are not his child, b) you are not to be criticized in front of his children, and c) you are an adult with a job.

    • Rachel

      I think his rule is cute. Kids should be respected too and its formal/respectful/a bit old fashioned to ask everyone for permission, but I actually like it. I get that you didn’t want to be chastised, and I agree with that – he may be used to talking to his kids like that. But he shouldn’t speak to you the same way and you also didn’t know about it!! Still, I think its a fine house rule and actually something good to do with kids.

      • Of Counsel

        And if the kids say “no” – what is she supposed to do? Miss her call? Adults do not need to ask children for permission. And a grown- woman does not need her boyfriend’s permission to leave the table. Asking for permission is for children.

        If this is not a pattern for him, then just talk to him about it. If it is a pattern then run for the hills. You definitely do not need to be in a relationship with a man who thinks he gets to unilaterally set those kinds of rules for you (setting them for his children is something else entirely).

        • Anonymous

          Cosign that asking permission is for kids. For our household, it is so that kids don’t turbo their meal and eat like beasts (or have their omission of veggies detected).

        • Rachel

          I think the rule needs some modifying – like work calls are exempt. But if you just want to leave the table early to go to your room, I think you can ask the table. Kids are human beings too, you can be nice to them. There is some leeway here. She’s going to be in the kids lives, she needs to get along with them too, and little things that show kids you respect them are worth it.

          • Anon

            I can assure you my children are treated very kindly and with respect, but I do not ask their “permission” for anything. On big decisions that impact them significantly, I might choose to seek their feedback and take it into account, but I don’t frame it as permission, and I certainly don’t default to their preferences on trivial stuff like whether I can politely excuse myself from the table. The money from my job feeds my kids and puts a roof over their heads (which they’re well aware of) and I would die before I would ask my children for their “permission” to take a work call.

          • anon

            Cosign Anon at 6:13. You can respect a child while maintaining your authority as a parent. I wonder how this rule hasn’t been an issue for them before. It’s not far fetched to imagine any child– even your sweetest, most well behaved child–between 4 and 18 years old who is in a petulant mood and decides to use this rule to test boundaries. God knows I would have.

        • Anonymous

          +1 I’m a big believer that kids should be treated with politeness and respect and adults should model the behavior they expect, but adults do not ask for permission from children. That’s absolutely insane to me, and I’m an only child whose parents basically treated me like a miniature adult.

      • Pink

        Respectfully, I disagree about the rule. I think it’s at best a misguided attempt toward a positive goal (family time). My 3 y/o would 100% refuse to excuse her just for the heck of it (the power!), causing her to miss an important work call. I agree with you that kids should be respected, but let’s use our adult judgment here. It’s our job to keep them safe and enforce rules that make sense. If dad is trying to teach them that dinner is family time, which I fully support, he should use a timer, not some “all votes counted equal” Roberts Rules of dinner.

      • LaurenB

        Yes, all the women in labor would really appreciate if my spouse declined to take their call because we were at the dinner table and the children hadn’t given permission for him to leave the table to take it.

        I can understand that if it’s a personal / non-emergent call, saying “sorry, we’re still in the middle of dinner; can I call you back later?” But that’s more of a guiding principle vs a hard and fast rule.

    • anon

      I have the same rule for my kid. DH and I try to model the behavior and ask to be excused on the rare occasions we’re ready to leave the table early. However, if I got an important work call during dinner, there’s no way I’d wait for permission, I’d just say, “Excuse me, that’s work, I need to take this.” I also wouldn’t ask to be excused for any other temporary absence like going to the restroom or getting the mustard out of the refrigerator. Basically, the rule can apply generally to adults, but adults get the benefit of nuance (in my house).

      My guess is that he did it for his kids’ sake, trying to be fair and demonstrate that the rules apply to everyone. It’s likely that one or both of them brought up the rule while you were out of the room.

      If this is likely to come up again, I’d talk to him in a low-key way about the rule. I’d also discuss the appropriate tone when he communicates family rules or customs to you. His reaction to that discussion would mean a lot more than the fact that this came up.

      • Pure Imagination

        If I were in a situation where the kids were trying to get Dad to chastise the guest while she was out of the room “because it’s not fair,” I’d be wondering why Dad wouldn’t shut that down ASAP. Who’s in charge?

        • anon@3:42

          I don’t think you have to assume the kids were trying to get Dad to chastise the guest. Kids just like to point out when other people are “breaking the rules” all the time, without any specific call to action. It can be hard to know what to say or do, and he may have just defaulted to what he would say to one of his kids who got up from the table. I don’t think it’s appropriate, but I can also see it being not malicious or a huge red flag. If OP has been seeing this man for a year, he probably has some good qualities and maybe deserves the benefit of a calm discussion. Again, his reaction to OP bringing it up would be more telling than the fact that it happened. There’s bound to be some points of conflict when your SO is getting to know your kids.

        • Anonymous

          Yeah,there’s a big difference between respecting a kid’s fundamental humanity and giving kids control. Kids shouldn’t get (and actually deep down) do not want control. The adults can be empathetic and respectful but there have to be clear messages about who’s in charge. I say that as a parent myself.

          OP, I don’t think you have anything to apologize for and I do think a “crucial conversation” is in order with your BF. As well as some serious consideration about whether this is a family dynamic you want to be a part of over the long term.

    • Editor

      No, he is way out of line. It has nothing to do with respecting how he’s raising his kids. Yes, it’s a weird rule to have to consult with children before carrying out business (or for whatever reason.) But if that’s their rule, whatever, fine. I’m sure you could grout respect it ONCE YOU KNEW ABOUT IT.

      But to play “gotcha!” on you like this? No way. To chastise you for this weird rule AFTER you broke unknowingly is a jerk move.

      I agree with anon below that this is a big red flag.

    • Anonymous

      That’s a hard no for me. Even for kids, they just excuse themselves and get up without waiting for permission when it is necessary like if they need to use the washroom. Waiting for permission is at the end of the meal and always only children to adults in our house. I can’t imagine asking my husband for permission to leave the table.

    • Anon

      I don’t know, I think it is cute. I guess it depends if he actually “reprimanded you” or said in a cute voice “uh oh, Mary broke the ruuullless” and everyone giggled. That’s actually how we handle adults swearing in our house. We don’t make a big scene and say “you don’t say that in front of the kids.” We go “uh oh, Frank said a swear word! We will give him a warning but next time, no dessert.” And we laugh. Obviously, we aren’t taking Frank’s dessert away.

      • anon

        Gross. Just no. Not when a) she wasn’t told about the rule b) it didn’t sound like a jokey tone c) he needs to be modeling respect for his girlfriend to his children d) you can easily resist cursing but not a call from your client.

      • Yikes

        I grew up in a house that handled transgressions in this passive-aggressive way and BOY OH BOY let me tell you that I hated it. I’d think again about whether you want to encourage that sort of indirect, ganging-up-on, joking-but-not-really approach to conflict.

        • Pink

          +1 actually it’s really not ok to shame an individual into following the rules (especially if they’re not aware of them beforehand!) and modeling this behavior to kids is incredibly damaging. Signed, 34 year old with 5 years of therapy and counting, who still has trouble setting boundaries.

          • Yikes

            Holy moly, are you me? Underscore the “incredibly damaging” part of your post once more, because ain’t that the truth.

    • Senior Attorney

      No, you are not out of line. This is good information for you to have as you evaluate whether this is somebody you want to be with. I’d definitely be having a conversation with him about it.

    • anon8

      You’re not out of line. The rule itself seems so ridiculous to me. I guess I grew up in a pretty informal household because it wasn’t a big deal to leave the table to get more food, water, grab a utensil, etc. This isn’t the 1800s.

      He was wrong to chastise you in front of the children for a stupid rule you’ve never heard about. Please update us after you talk to him.

    • Anonymous

      Umm no I am with you. Insane. It’s one thing to ask ahead of time no phones during dinner, but it’s another to react the way he did, which was humiliating. I was eating dinner at my DH’s relatives that we are not close with at all pre-pandemic and a similar thing happened, I received a text and discretely glanced at my phone under the table and was scolded in front of everyone by the relative’s wife “NO PHONES AT THE TABLE!” and warned my phone would be taken away next time. We are the same age. I was treated like a child. I just wanted to say like, no, you will not be taking my phone. It was rude of my to look at my phone but it was 100x ruder to scold like that, in my opinion.

    • Stepmom

      Stepmom here, with issues like this in my relationship because I didn’t see stuff like this as a red flag. Run. Maybe talk it out and if he gets it and doesn’t do it again, don’t run, but consider the application of the rule to you as Strike 1 and his lecturing as Strike 2.

      He can’t both expect you to act as a member of the family (and therefore have to abide by the rules) AND not have a say in those rules. I found this was an issue with my husband when he wanted me to act as a parent — I had the responsibility, but not the rights of a parent.

      And second the recommendation of Stepmom.

  5. anon

    Can we talk, um, gardening injuries? I did something to my hips joints while gardening in the style of the missionaries — it’s been a week, and both hips are still sore, particularly when I go up stairs or lie on my side at night. Dr. Google says it seems similar to bursitis. I’m trying to avoid trips out of the house, plus I don’t think there’s much my doctor could do except give me pain relievers, so it’s home remedies for the time being. I’m trying to stretch the muscles, but is there anything else I can do? And HOW did this happen in the first place? It’s not like we were doing anything especially vigorous (we’re just in our 40s and out of shape), but I guess I just stretched farther than I should have?

      • Carmen Sandiego

        Yep – try some yoga poses for hip stretches! I was getting really bad hip pain from sleeping on my side before getting a new mattress, and some yoga really helped.

    • Anon

      Haha gardening injuries. Ice and rest and anti inflammatories. Gentle stretching but don’t overdo it.

      I feel you. We were visiting relatives once and staying in a hotel. The day we arrived I was fine. The rest of the time I was limping around because my husband had accidentally put all his weight on my knee when it was in a weird position. My relatives kept asking how I hurt myself and I couldn’t really come up with anything except “Uhh must have slept on it wrong” which I know they did not buy.

    • OP/anon

      Thank you all! I knew there must be some yoga pose that would help, because I kept hearing my old yoga teacher say “hip openers,” but I didn’t know where to look. Will get on that tonight!

      Glad this does not sound as ridiculous as it feels, haha.

  6. Anonymous

    Ugh a suit is a foreign concept to me at this point and also I doubt I will fit into any of mine for a long, long time after this.

  7. Lily

    For those of you who, like us, have been paying cleaning people to not come (since mid-March), at what point do you either stop paying or ask them to come back? Our region is supposedly going to yellow on June 5. At this point, we have paid our (lovely) cleaning person nearly $1,000 to not clean our house, which we were happy to do and can easily afford. I assume it is reasonable to ask her to come back starting June 5, but does anyone else have thoughts on this?

    • Anon

      ask them to come back. i know many people who already have. when my dad has his cleaning lady come she wears a mask the whole time. he goes into the basement and doesn’t come back up until she is done, so they are literally never on the same floor of the house. his risk of exposure based on that seems to be very low.

      • Anon

        +1 we resumed cleaning last week and this is our setup as well. We are never within 6’ (or even close of each other) and our cleanser wears a mask so I assume is not leaving virus all over our surfaces. (We wear masks whenever we leave our basement, which she does not clean.) My elderly parents never stopped their cleaning service.

    • Anonymous

      The second we are allowed to I am asking mine to come back and she’s eager to as well.

    • Anonymous

      We’re debating having them come back in a couple weeks when we move to the level where it is allowed in our area. I’m leaning yes, DH is leaning no.

    • NY CPA

      In NY–and I would guess others in hotspot metro areas would be in the same position–my cleaning lady has to take public transit (train + subway) to get to me. So I imagine she might not be rushing to get back to us immediately once things are allowed to open up. Maybe when I we get to a later phase in opening I might ask her to come back. Like maybe once the city is in Phase 2 (retail, professional services, etc.) or Phase 3 (restaurants)?

    • Never too many shoes...

      Mine asked to come back this week but I am not ready yet. It seems weird to me that I cannot go into my Mom’s house but would let me cleaning lady be inside my home for hours while we are here… Maybe another month?

    • AFT

      Mine came back for the first time this weekend since the first week of March, at the same approximate time that my state is lifting restrictions and moving into its next phase. We have a special relationship with her since she was our nanny for several years, so we’ve trusted her decisions about health and safety for a long time. We’re all more cautious about washing hands, and she drove herself in a car (and hasn’t been taking public transit), so for us it was a calculated risk. Neither she nor anyone in my family are higher risk, which could affect our analysis.

    • anon

      Mine came back a few weeks ago and they wear masks the whole time. We are in a stay at home state (CA) but our city has not been hard hit.

    • SmallLawAtl

      My cleaning lady has never stopped coming. She needs the work; I want a clean house; it’s win-win. She has lost several of her regular customers and was very grateful when I offered to put her information on our neighborhood FB page. I am at work when she comes, but my nearly-adult kids are sometimes here. No masks. Perhaps more analogous, I’ve been paying my very part-time assistant not to work (even though it was her choice) but am asking her to come back the second week of June and will pay her parking when she does (she previously took public transportation).

  8. Backpack Recommendations?

    WFH has made me realize I can’t justify carrying a tote with laptop around anymore (my shoulders feel so much better lately). Backpack recommendations? I personally don’t love Tumis. Has anyone seen Baggallini? They look a little less sleek but I like the outside pockets. Any options that can switch back and forth between back and shoulder strap?

    • NY CPA

      Welcome to team backpack :)
      Before my Tumi, I used to have a Victorinox which looked pretty sleek and I liked a lot, until the zipper broke after ~3 years of every day use. No shoulder strap though.

      • NY CPA

        Forgot to say I once had a Baggalini bag years ago and liked the convertible feature but hated the fabric so I never used it. It was this weird crinkly feeling fabric that always looked sloppy to me (and this was before I was a professional–I definitely wouldn’t buy it now)

      • Anon

        +1 yes team backpack. Once I switched it’s impossible to imagine going back to a tote.

    • Anon

      Look at the brand Mark Ryden on A. They’re affordable and sleek. I have a huge one that carries whatever I need. It was $50.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      I like Lo and Sons. I LOVE their Rowledge but it’s expensive AF- but it does have the ability to go from a tote to a backpack.

    • Anonymous

      I have a Knomo and like it a lot. Look at men’s styles as well as women’s–backpacks are pretty unisex and that expands your choices a lot.

  9. Anon

    Q for communications/marketing ppl (or anyone else, since this is really more of a workplace dynamics question than a marketing question). I and others have rights to post to our organization’s social media channels but I have one colleague (at my level) who thinks she controls them. As a courtesy, I mentioned that I was going to post something and she went ahead and posted it herself, and in doing so, made a major mistake. It’s sort of a typo, but a really important one that makes us sound incompetent, like saying “Check out this great article about our executive Brian Smith!” when his name is actually Bruce Smith. As soon as I discovered the mistake I edited the posts I could, but you can’t edit Twitter and we have a rule of not deleting tweets that have significant engagement, which this one did. I had told Bruce I would post the article and I’m sure he thinks this is my mistake and is annoyed that a tweet with his name wrong is blowing up. Obviously I’ll be truthful if asked what happened, but there’s no way I can volunteer this was her mistake without sounding super petty, right? I am so stinking annoyed at my colleague. I thought I was being friendly and professional by cluing her in about my plan to post (since she’s appointed herself the boss of our social media) and it totally backfired. Ugh.

  10. Anon

    I have an appointment with a psychiatrist (telehealth) for the first time tomorrow morning. I’m really nervous. I’ve been seeing a psychologist for therapy since last fall, but my PC wants me to see a psychiatrist for medication management. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and I’ve tried a few medication combinations over the past year with no real progress. I’m nervous since I’ve A) Never seen a psychiatrist at all before, and B) Heard they can be a bit abrasive.

    • Sloan Sabbith

      I love my psychiatrist. I’ve been seeing her for 3.5ish years now (maybe more?) for medication management. She’s definitely not my therapist, but she’s supportive, she’s supportive of therapy, and she’s worked with me to get me on meds that work (including seeing me weekly for about 6 weeks a few years ago when I needed constant med changes and was generally doing really poorly). She also works with my doctors who manage my chronic condition if there’s a question about interactions.

    • Anon

      If they are abrasive then you absolutely don’t have to work with them. I know you’re already low on bandwidth which is part of why you’re seeking help but it’s worth it to shop around for someone who you feel comfortable with and has the bedside manners you deserve. Give her a chance, but know that she’s not your only option.

    • Jules

      My ex-BF struggled with lifelong depression and anxiety and quite late in life found a psychiatrist who is a specialist in med management and who started with genetic testing to find the best meds for him (and also did some talk thereapy but eventually BF found a really good therapist for that specifically). I actually met the psychiatrist a few times – I went twice to one of BF’s sessions, to discuss how to deal with the OCD that went with his anxiety, and the doctor came to my artist BF’s gallery opening. (It was a brief but supportive visit, BF appreciated it, I didn’t feel it crossed boundaries.) Anyway, the psychiatrist was fantastic, warm and supportive but not enabling, with a good sense of humor and not at all abrasive. I understand being anxious about this, but I think you will be fine and should move forward. And be proud of yourself for taking the step.

    • pugsnbourbon

      It’s late and you may not see this – but my psychiatrist saved my life. I saw her for both therapy and medication management and she was absolutely essential to my recovery and survival. She was kind, understanding, and she also brooked no bullshit (and I was 19 so I was full of bullshit). I will always be grateful to her.

      And another psychiatrist has saved my wife’s life, thoughtfully managing her medications and really working with her to manage side effects and improve her wellbeing.

      All this to say – not all psychiatrists are abrasive and if they are, you don’t have to put up with it. Wishing you the best.

    • Anon

      It is so good you are doing this. Particularly in these times, it’s very important to expand your team of helpers. Just like you may have clicked with some primary care doctors and disliked others, the same will be true for psychiatrists. If this one isn’t the right person you will find someone who is, but it’s important to get the process started as it can take trying some different options to know what’s best for you.

    • anonymous

      Not sure if you’ll see this, but I love my psychiatrist. He is a gentle and kind man. The first time I saw him I was feeling so nervous and desperate I explained what I was going through, but I was doing it in my way — using humor to make it seem like it was not a huge deal, describing what was going on in intelligent, objective, and guarded language so I could pretend I wasn’t suffering emotionally but merely describing my clinical condition– and at the end of the appointment he looked right at me and said, calmly, “It’s going to be okay.” He clearly really “saw” me. And I fully believed him, it is okay, and I still think back to that when I’m feeling stressed.

      I had previously been seeing another psychiatrist in the same practice and basically just abandoned him when I got an apt with the good one. He was abrasive and disconnected and spent most of our sessions remembering what I did for a living and then asking me some inane questions about museums. (My work does not involve museums.) This was okay for me for a while (I can be abrasive and disconnected) when I was just getting an anti-depressant refilled and felt like I just needed a script, but my experience with my new psychiatrist has been worlds better. We discuss the subtle details of how I’m feeling, the differences between different medications, we also discuss insurance issues and drug manufacturing quality, and the incorporation of therapeutic techniques with medication.

      Good luck! There are absolutely good ones out there.

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