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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Looking to add a dash of whimsy to your wardrobe in 2023? Look no further. This cream blouse from L.K. Bennett has the most delightful multi-colored buttons.
If I wore this to the office, I would keep the rest of my outfit pretty neutral. I think it would look beautiful with a navy skirt suit or tucked into a pair of black trousers.
The top is $320 at L.K. Bennett and comes in sizes 2–14.
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anonymous
Looking for insight on an interpersonal problem my team is having. There is a new director for a different department, she will ONLY communicate with her own team members or other directors. My director is incharge of a department 10x the size of hers and he relies on managers (like me) to be the SMEs. This woman refuses to talk to me, or the other managers, because ‘this is a director level issue’, they never are. My boss has talked to her a number of times and directly told her to stop bothering him and to talk to the managers instead. Right now we have a tenuous work around where my boss just forwards her emails to me and then forwards my response back to her. She’s young and a ladder climber which may be impacting her behavior. Any ideas of how to get around this given my boss’ conversations have failed? We can’t realistically go to her boss since thats the C suite and this isn’t appropriate to be bringing to them.
Anonymous
This sounds like it’s your boss’s problem? It’s annoying but I’m not sure there’s anything you can do about it.
anon
I think this rises to the level of taking it to her boss. She’s flat out not doing her job and causing issues with workflow and communication between departments.
Anon
This. Proper person to do so would be your boss, though.
nuqotw
How new is she? Any chance she comes from a very chain of command oriented place and is just in an awkward adjustment period?
The whole situation sounds both inconvenient and exhausting for you / your boss / your coworkers….but I would do nothing further. It sounds like sooner or later some ball will drop because she didn’t talk to you or your peers directly and it will become apparent that she was the bottleneck.
helloanon
I think your boss is not handling this well. When the other director sends him a request, he just needs to respond with something like: “Jane, as we have discussed, Susan is the SME on X issue. Please direct all questions on X to Susan directly.” Don’t CC you – make Jane do the work. And repeat until she gets the hint. If I was him, I would also flag to any mutual boss to CYA. Jane needs to adapt to the workstreams/norms in your office and it is a terrible use of your boss’s time to be forwarding her emails and your responses.
Anon
+1
Anon
This. Since he hasn’t thought of it, perhaps suggest this. It needs to come from him.
Anon
This! I would respond to her and tell her who to contact. If I have to send her a similar email several time, I’d copy her boss.
Anonymous
Nope. This is your bosses problem to solve not yours. Continue to make it his problem and maybe he will do a better job of fixing it.
OP
She’s his peer, he’s already had a whopping 3 one-on-one meetings with her to tell her to knock it off and repeatedly told her in writing via email to invite me or other managers to meetings and contact us. I honestly don’t know how my boss could address this better, he’s communicated clearly with her several times. Dropping the ball isn’t an option since it would hurt our clients, we can’t let them be cannon fodder to let this woman fail.
Anon
He should go to her boss.
anon
+1, this is a boss problem, not a you problem.
Anon
If she needs something from your team, your boss should tell her to contact you. Otherwise she’s not going to get it and will fail.
Anonymous
This is 100% your boss’s problem. Your boss can talk to her, your boss can talk to his/her boss about it, but this isn’t your problem at all.
anon
Let her fail at this point? Sounds like your boss has spoken up and she didn’t listen. If a ball gets dropped, it’s pretty clear that she’s the issue, not your team.
Anon
The problem with this approach is that it only works in theory. These people never actually fail and are very good at passing blame back. In OPs shoes, I’d double down on getting her boss to solve the problem and propose some of the methods for doing that here. I also agree with keeping it out of the c-suite, this is the kind of thing directors are expected to work out and it’s a bit ridiculous to involve someone that high up.
Anonymous
I was coming here to say this. I ended up leaving a job due to a colleague like this. Never would work with “lower level” managers yet it was our fault when her projects failed. I finally decided that I was going to end up on the chopping block over this and left. I’m not advising you to do the same: boss didn’t really have my back so your situation is different. I hope you figure it out.
Anon
It sounds like it is becoming appropriate to bring up to her boss. Is her boss not the same person as your boss’s boss? Shouldn’t your boss have an existing relationship with that person and some kind of regular communication? I agree with everyone saying that it is your boss’s problem to solve and that it’s time to let this person fail.
OP
My boss and her report to different c suite executives.
Anon
Okay, still doesn’t really matter. Your boss needs to bring it up to his boss or her boss. Just because they’re “c suite” doesn’t mean they’re not managers.
Anon
Maybe your boss should talk to his boss instead of her boss? But your boss needs to do something about it.
Anon
OP, your boss is the problem here. Your boss outfit to be able to delegate things to 10 directors.
From an outside perspective, your department is responsible for a broad area of work, and has 10 ish sub-specialties with subject matter experts for each.
It would not be my role as director of another department to go directly to another director’s staff. In fact, at my last company I would have had my head cut off for doing so.
Your director’s job is to delegate and manage you all as resources. How can be possibly Direct, which is his job, without knowing what you’ve been asked to provide by other departments?
Your boss needs to do his job, and you need to quit misplacing the blame on your internal customer.
Anonymous
Gorgeous blouse.
Duvet recommendations needed. I sleep hot but I don’t like the feel of just a sheet or a super light blanket. I guess I’m looking for a duvet or blanket that has some weight to it but isn’t overly hot.
Ses
I like ikea duvets for this – they have different temperature ratings, just get the lightest duvet.
Anon
Second Ikea, I am an extremely hot sleeper and I like the Stjarnstarr duvet, it’s very light. Downside is you don’t get that nice fluffy duvet visual.
tess
I have a thin quilt from Parachute that feels like more than a light blanket but less heavy/hot than a comforter. It’s the perfect weight for me. It also looks great and has held up well.
London (formerly NY) CPA
I’m the same, and I love my The Company Store duvet. They offer different weights. I think I ended up with the medium weight one.
Anon
I second Ikea – I have a duvet rated “cool” from there and it’s perfect for me. I am a very hot sleeper but I also like the physical weight of a duvet. The downside is that it’s very thin so it doesn’t have that big fluffy hotel duvet look.
Anon
My earlier comment seems to have disappeared, apologies if this posts twice!
eh230
It’s spendy, but Cozy Earth makes a bamboo duvet in two weights. I am a very hot sleeper, and I formerly lived in FL. The light weight one was perfect for me. I also used a silk comforter from Amazon that was decent.
Senior Attorney
I love this linen quilt from Pottery Barn. It comes in a ton of colors and look! It’s on sale right now!
https://www.potterybarn.com/products/belgian-flax-linen-diamond-quilt-white/?
Anon
I have a weighted blanket from Bearaby that is cotton and is a very loose knit, so has lots of ventilation. I use it comfortably in the summer. I love it.
MagicUnicorn
Sometimes I have shirts whose buttons die while there is still plenty of life left in the top itself, so I take the time to replace them. I have changed button colors (bright red buttons where they were formerly white) or used colored thread to sew on white buttons. A rainbow of different button colors would be really fun! Tucking this idea away for next time I go on a sewing spree.
AIMS
There used to be a button store called Tender Buttons in NY on East 62nd street and it was the BEST. I still miss it. Love this idea.
Cb
My Nana was an amazing seamstress, and I spent a lot of my childhood at Joann’s Fabrics. I loved to buy a fancy button.
London (formerly NY) CPA
I’ve picked up fun buttons at M&J Trimming in the Garment District. I usually get too overexcited when I go in there and buy everything thinking I’m much craftier than I am…
Anon
Tender Buttons was awesome. There was a great button store in Chicago, also. If anyone knows of any similar stores anywhere, please post.
Pep
This post jiggled loose a memory from the late 80s – button covers. I remember buying sets of these to “dress up” my boring work blouses.
Anon
I often change buttons on a jacket or sweater to up the look. One elegant, vintage button on a single button cardigan can make it look far more expensive than it is. Ebay and etsy are good sources, and I save buttons from clothes that show wear before I discard.
DC Inhouse Counsel
I did this with a cream coat for my January wedding. Swapped out wood-looking buttons for sparkly buttons from M&J Trimmings and it made the coat look so much more special.
In-House in Houston
Hi Ladies, I’m planning a trip to London & Liverpool this year. Taking hubs on a trip of a lifetime (I hope) to see all things Beatles. Thanks for all of the tips and suggestions you’ve given me thus far….(and please keep them coming!) My current question is, when is the best time of year to visit London? Of course we’re going to skip the King’s Coronation in May. We would 0like to try to go on the “off season” when it won’t be as crowded. Is the fall a good time to make the trip? TIA!!
Cb
I think September in London is really pretty.
Josie P
We went around October 10-15 a couple of years ago and it was v nice out and not crowded! (We are from New England so it wasn’t cold at all)
Anonymous
Oh see I’m going for the coronation and can’t wait. Extra festive! But in general May, June, Sept all great months
Former Parisian
London doesn’t have an “off season” as such, it’s a year-round destination. Early January and November are perhaps a bit quieter (but cold and dark). Many locals are away in August, abandoning the city to the mercy of tourists. The weather in April-May can be quite unpredictable. June and September are probably the nicest time to visit weatherwise. October can be rainy (but can also be pleasant) – fall is generally not as nice here as it is eg on the East coast of the US. I would also suggest thinking about what you want to do (eg go to the theatre, Wimbledon, etc) and take this into account when planning.
London (formerly NY) CPA
I’d come in early June. British kids aren’t out of school until late July so British families aren’t as likely to be on vacation. September could be nice as well though!
Anon
+1 June is great.
Cat
I love Europe in September, London included. It’s still lovely mild weather but families with kids are out of commission, tourism-wise.
Anon
Europe tends to start school a bit later than the US, and even in the US many kids are off until after Labor Day, so you do see some families the first half of September. But definitely fewer than in July and August.
Savannah
There is usually a week in late October or early November when England has done its fall fall-back time, but the US has not yet, so the time difference is only 4 hours rather than 5 (or 5 hours rather than 6? Forgive me – it’s been a couple years since we’ve gone). That’s my favorite time to go. It’s cool but not cold, fewer crowds, and the time change is shorter.
Anonymous
Hi! Thanks for the encouragement for my trip to the casino with my husband. We all had a blast. I still don’t understand how anyone gets hooked on slot machines but I’m happy to waste money it means gossiping and drinking and pushing buttons.
Anonymous
Yay!
Anon
Glad you had fun!!
No Face
Glad you had fun!
Anonymous
Sometimes we share tips on managing life stuff and I wanted to share one that’s been helping me. (Obviously a lot of you are more organized than me so this won’t be necessary or won’t work for a variety of reasons.)
Here it is: When I get invited to a party or wedding that requires an rsvp I pick out and buy my present and outfit as I rsvp, not the weekend before, which is what my brain wants to do. For weddings I just buy the card; I write the check as I’m leaving. (Ok real talk:I sometimes write them as I’m sitting in my car outside the venue.) If anyone has similar tips for chronic procrastinators I’m all ears. Thanks!
Anon
I do the same thing! I RSVP, head to the registry and order a gift to be mailed to the couple and book any travel or hotel (if needed) all in one fell swoop.
I also have a running list on my phone for each wedding and the status: have I rsvp’d, what did I order, what my travel plans are, what dress/shoes/accessories I’m wearing and any other info (welcome drinks? Bridal shower? Staying with a friend?)
I try to only buy one or two new dresses a year (depending on dress codes, if I’m a bridesmaid, and weigh fluctuation) and rewear others so I have a chart of which dress I’m wearing to which wedding considering dress codes and attendees.
I also have a savings account just dedicated to attending weddings. I use it for any wedding-related expenses: dresses, gifts, travel, bachlorette parties, etc.
Anon
On my calendar alerts for birthdays, etc. for family and friends, I have the “buy” “ship” and “day of” all on my my alert, so that I have everything covered for my mother, sisters and son.
Anon
I buy a wall calendar with pockets, and all hard copy invitations, directions, etc. go right into the pocket, so that I know where they are when I need them ( not procrastination, just organization).
anon a mouse
Someone here suggested years ago buying a set of cards and an organizing box, which has become clutch for me. (the one I got is just a Hallmark assorted box on Am*zon) I also bought a half-dozen wedding cards on Etsy, an assortment of kid and adult birthday cards from my local stationer, and some personalized thank-you cards so I have everything I need.
Anonymous
This is so helpful for sending out condolence cards. I feel like it’s the sort of thing that should be done right away but making a trip to the store to get a single card is always such a big hurdle for me.
pugsnbourbon
And it’s so hard to find a condolence card that’s actually decent.
Anon
Mom version of this: I ordered a giant pack of bday cards and a lot of Target cards in the standard birthday denomination. When I really have my act together, I order the GCs during the Target 10% off GCs sale and just keep a stack in a drawer. If my kid or I really want to get a special gift for a friend, we can always do it, but this way we don’t have to worry about swinging by the card store/gift store to pick up a present on the way to a kid’s party.
Anonymous
Oh I like this!
Anonymous
Oh I do this. It bit me once: the bride was a coworker and was super on top of sending out invites early but whoever planned her hometown (far flung for me) shower procrastinated. My gift ended up getting there around the time of the hometown shower and I got a thank you note for the shower gift. Um no I already got you a gift for your local shower, and also I don’t spend $200 on a gift for a shower that I’m obviously not going to attend and probably shouldn’t have been invited to. Idk if the bride thought I didn’t get her a wedding gift but she never said anything.
Apres Ski
Looking for some retro inspired Apres ski sweaters and my internet skills are failing me. I like the Perfect Moment sweaters, but everyone has them and the price is a little steep for me. Ditto with MC2StBarth. Does anyone have any good suggestions for closer to $100-150?
Elle
Are you looking for a fair isle sweater or something with skiers on it? J Crew usually has something to fit the bill there. Personally, I have a & other stories wool turtleneck that I wear for Apres that has worn like iron!
Flats Only
Look on Ebay for Dale of Norway. Read the measurements carefully, as they run a little snug.
Anne-on
+1 – I lust after the Dale of Norway sweaters but they are VERY spendy and run small (though true to UK/EU sizing fwiw).
Anon
LOL you’re not finding Dale of Norway for $150 unless you travel back in time a few decades.
Anon
I’d still get one though!
Flats Only
I got one last year for $150 on Ebay. I looked there because the $350+ prices on the website were outside my budget. Very gently used, and since the quality is so high they wear like iron and it basically looks brand new. Seriously warm, but definitely snug. I am 5″1′, 140 lbs, 38D and got a Large. It’s very flattering, but there’s only room for one thin layer underneath. OTOH it’s so warm you don’t need a bunch of layers.
Anon
Sierra Trading Post – $99.
Anon
Have you looked at Kiel James Patrick?
Anon
Lots of cute options in your price range
https://kieljamespatrick.com/collections/womens-sweaters-1
Anonymous
Check out backcountry dot com. They have a good collection from a variety of brands.
Anon
They have a great selection of all sorts of things, but heads up their customer service is abysmal.
Anon
When the pandemic started, my kids were in elementary school. I haven’t really seen parents of kids in their grades since then because we were at new schools and even then schools were closed or closed to visitors (so concerts were done but you saw them on zoom not with other parents). Now, one kid is needing to register for high school (and we are switching schools again — large county school system constantly changing its feeder schools). Did people just go psycho and I missed the memo? I feel like my kid (who has some developmental challenges already) is in there against not her peers but a bunch of cutthroat adults with a zero-sum game mindset who are reliving all of their life failures through their teens and their achievements. I feel a bit like the Finns have child-rearing right and tend to be low-touch and let them do as much as they can (even the one with developmental challenges) because that is their job (and I have a job). But do I need to really be a micromanager so that they aren’t overwhelmed against doing science projects “against” a kid who has their ghostwritten by a SAHM with a masters degree who needs an outlet and an achievement to show for herself? Imma need a therapist for me now I think.
Cb
My kid’s school seems chill on the academics (I seem to be an outlier objecting to the amount of screentime/lack of PE) but come between these moms and their nativity tickets…
I’m trying to behave myself on the whatsapp group “I need to pick up Imogen at lunchtime so she can get ready for the Christmas party….?” Does she need false eyelashes and a spray tan? I’m sure the teacher can help her with her reindeer ears and party dress.
Anonymous
They’re what? 5, 6? Who cares if Imogen leaves early.
Anon
It’s an obnoxious flex on the part of Mom… she has the time, money and resources to pull kiddo out and spiff her up before the assembly.
Anon
We had a whole scripted pageant thing and I just asked whether it would be better for all if they just re-enacted the nativity and sang some carols and the leader was like OMG yes let us never do the nonsense again. My kids aged out of that, but December is a cluster-f*ck of joy and screaming (nothing like the spat I saw between Mary and her mother immediately after). The most unholy moment of the week is in 10 minutes before church (parking drama! cutting people off! flipping the bird! claiming a whole pew for your family with coats by sneaking in at lunch even though you never darken the door otherwise!).
anon
I so wish my church would go this route. Instead, it’s this overly involved cheesy pageant that requires 8 weeks of Wednesday night rehearsals, a dress rehearsal, all for 30 minutes of glory the first weekend in December. I would so much rather have a SIMPLE program. This year, we opted out and I didn’t regret it one bit. It’s too much. Let them sing some Christmas carols and call it a day.
Anonymous
I don’t know man but I am here to complain about sports and the lack of casual options near me. I have a kid who likes sports, who is very generally athletic, but isn’t like….a dedicated Athlete. She’s 10. She wants to play everything casually with her friends, not be on a travel team with 3 practices and 1-2 games per week for each sport.
Mercifully, she can play basketball on the “in town” team (one practice one game) until 8th grade, but that seems to be the only sport she plays that isn’t all-or-nothing by 5th grade. She quit soccer in 3rd grade when it was 2 practices and an hour to the travel game as the only option. We thought she had a few more years of softball but apparently so many girls are playing travel in 5th grade that they can’t field an “in town” league. Ugh.
Anonymous
THIS!!! My overweight 11-yo doesn’t like competition so he doesn’t want to do any of the athletics — everything by this age is 4 practices a week, hour-long drives to games, tryouts to get in… meanwhile he only has PE a single quarter in school. He likes volleyball and kickball but those aren’t extracurriculars. I just found a summer camp that offers Pickleball, Whiffleball, and fun stuff like that — hoping he’ll like it.
Interesting article along these very lines:
https://annehelen.substack.com/p/are-kids-sports-reformable
Anonymous
My kids aren’t into team stuff or competition. They like indoor rock climbing. And cross country running (which I guess technically a competition but they more think of it as trying for a personal best because that’s how DH and I are about our races).
Anne-on
Omg we are in the same boat – my kid wants to try out different things and yet somehow in 5th grade we’re ‘too late’ to just do a 1 practice/1 game type of sport with things like football/hockey/lacrosse/soccer/etc. It is infuriating!!
Anne-on
I can’t speak to it too much, but in short, if you’re in the US (sound like you are?) the college application process is simply harder and requires more of the kids (and more parental support) than it did when I was younger. I did all of my college applications myself and most of the FAFSA forms (circa 1998) and did not have any college visits/interviews (visits were expensive and my parents didn’t want me to ‘get attached’ to a school I might not get into). I was accepted into every school I applied to except one and got HEFTY scholarsips based on my grades/SATs. My extracurriculars were pretty meh but it simply seemed to matter less – my brother was a 2002 grad and it had already become more involved at that point.
anon
Is it really harder, or are expectations completely out of whack? Harder, yes, if you’re trying to get into the top schools but I don’t believe that can be, or should be, everyone’s path.
Anonymous
Yes harder. Because it’s not just top schools that are more competitive. It trickles down the tiers.
Anon
I really don’t believe this. The Sate U in my home state accepts a larger percentage of my high school’s class currently than they did when I was in high school. You do realize that many public universities have acceptance rates around 80-90%, right? It’s really not that hard to get into a decent college. Of course the most elite schools are extremely competitive but you don’t need to go to Harvard to have a great life and career.
anon
Yeah, like…when I applied to college in 1999 as a white woman with a 1460 SAT and a 3.8 GPA from a private high school, plus a boatload of 4s on the AP exams, a decent athletic record (4 years varsity cross-country, top 10 in state, captain my senior year) and some arts extracurriculars, Emory was my safety school; I might not get in now.
Anon
Yikes.
anon
Where are ya’ll applying to college? This just does not track with what I’ve observed locally.
Anon
It has trickled down to the elite-but-slightly-less-elite-than-Harvard private schools like Northwestern and Duke, and some of the very best public universities like UCLA, UVA and Michigan. There are plenty of decent state universities that still admit the vast majority of their applicants and will happily take a B student from a public high school who hasn’t drowned themselves in AP classes or extracurriculars. Per a quick glance at this https://www.bestcolleges.com/blog/college-acceptance-rates/, the flagship public institutions in Arizona, Alabama, Oregon, Iowa, Nebraska, Indiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Mississippi, New Hampshire, Tennessee and Colorado all have acceptance rates over 80%. U of Maine, U of Kentucky and U of Utah are 95%+. Almost all states have a non-flagship option that is also perfectly satisfactory, like if you can’t get into U of Washington, you can go to Washington State and it will be totally fine. It’s really not that competitive if you’re not fixated on a top private school or one of the best public schools in the country.
Anonymous
UCLA, UVA, and Michigan were always selective.
Anon
Yes, but they have gotten harder to get into, like the Ivies etc.
Seventh Sister
There are more kids applying to more elite schools for (basically) the same amount of spots. It’s harder to predict which kid will get into which school, even with good grades and scores, but I’m trying to dial back my own crazy because honestly, I know plenty of successful people who didn’t go to the tippy-top college and some real pieces of work who went to very elite schools.
Anonymous
Where we live the magnet high school parents are crazy and the local high school parents are not. My kid opted for the small IB program at our local high school and she seems to get the best of everything–rigorous academics without the crazy pressure.
Anonymous
It’s always been this way in upper middle class districts – the places where there is usually a stay home parent and that stay home parent is highly educated themselves. IDK that the pandemic has anything to do with this.
Anonymous
Was going to say the same. The upper middle class districts, where everyone has bought a house specifically so their kid can go to that high school, always had this vibe even when I was in school twenty years ago. And then the parents complain because an ivy can’t just fill it’s class with dozens of kids from the same school and it’s sooo unfair. Yet talk to these parents about sending their kid to the school cross town that is a mid level type of school and thus the kid will be a bigger fish in a smaller pond and more ivy competitive – heavens no. Can’t win with some people.
Having lived through this and being one of a few that did make it to the ivys from my competitive HS, now as we look to buy a house we’re specifically NOT targeting the absolute best high school in our area. First off home prices are better outside that district. Second off I don’t want my kid to go some place with 300 AP courses where he feels pressured to take all of them because if he doesn’t no top 20 school will ever look at him. Kid is much better off lifewise going to a school offering say 20 APs were the culture is – take as many as you can handle and take the ones in the subjects that interest you and if you don’t get into an ivy, oh well.
Cora
Cosign 100%. The parents are invested beyond reason and even if college applications have gotten more difficult, their reactions to it are out of control
Anon
The “best” high school, that is the richest and whitest in my city, also has by far and away the worst drug problem along with a few incidents per year that make the paper of boys in their giant pickups doing stupid racist ish.
Anon
We specifically didn’t put our kid in the “best school in town” because of the drug activity. Kids were overdosing in the bathrooms and the school was covering it up. One of our neighbors is a cop and gave us the lowdown when we asked him about the situation (we’d heard rumors, which he confirmed and then expanded upon).
Moose
Yeah, this was my experience with high schools growing up – my very diverse, generally more economically disadvantaged high school had it’s problems, but so did the the richer (whiter) schools – they were just different problems. Drugs/huge alcohol-fueled parties/etc. weren’t very common at my school, whereas they were a big problem elsewhere. You’re going to have problems at any school environment, you just have to pick which ones. I loved my experience and wouldn’t change it.
Anon
The richest and whitest public school in my area was in Parkland where there was a mass murder of the students.
Seventh Sister
My kid goes to a large-ish urban high school and is a bright little fish in a small pond. I’m actually really glad she’s not at a pressure cooker high school (and I don’t have to deal with a huge amount of pressure cooker parents).
Anonymous
Similar situation here. I am encouraging mine to look for a similar situation in college (big fish, smallish pond) because I think that’s what her personality needs.
AIMS
I think people went nuts but longer ago. There just seems to be this general feeling of ‘if you don’t get into the right kindergarten, then you will never grow up to be Eleanor Kagan,” and never mind if that’s even a good thing or something your kid would be interested in. And then if/when you do get to the best high school, these same parents complain about how unfair it is that their high school is so good because everyone there is qualified to go to an Ivy and “it’s just so much harder to get in than if we were at a regular or low performing school” (true story). I would just talk to your kid about what’s happening so they understand and not overthink it.
pugsnbourbon
Biiiiig side-eye to the parents complaining their high school is “too good!” Jeez.
anon
As I get further into this parenting thing, the more I realize that we need to let our kids be who they are. Pushing them into certain activities or academic paths might make US look good, but they could very well make your kid miserable and even keep them from finding what they love. And yeah, many LOLs to the “my kid’s school is TOO good!” people. Like, you made that choice.
Liza
Ugh, yes, the “our school is too good” line was a big one at my high school because our public university accepted the top x% from every high school – but it was “so much harder” to be in the top x% at our school! Like, ok, then move and send your child to a rural or inner city school where they can be a superstar if you feel it’s so unfair.
Senior Attorney
My kid is 36 and it was happening when she was little. For good or for ill, she absolutely refused to get with the program of elementary/middle/high school resume building. Ended up doing public high school (after two years at a fancy high school where she refused to get with the program in a variety of ways), three years at community college, transferred to and graduated from public university, three years in the USMC, used G.I. Bill to get master’s degree at a different public university, and she’s doing just fine, thank you very much. It was a long road, but every kid is different and not all of them fit into the how-many-gold-stars-can-I-get mold.
Anon
Senior attorney, I always thought you had a son! Very cool that your daughter was a Marine.
Senior Attorney
Heh my son is now my daughter! ;)
Anon
Please tell her welcome to the club!
Signed,
A woman former Marine
Anon
This has been going on for a long time. College admissions has gotten insane, and it has pushed everything down to the middle school level, if not below.
It kind of cracks me up because so what if your kid goes to Bowdoin or BC instead of Harvard? So many people go to grad school these days and the grad school name matters more. I know several people who 4.0-ed (or close to it) their way through good but not amazing colleges, rocked the LSAT or GMAT, and then off to Harvard or Yale for law or med school.
Anon
That should be law or B-school… I did not sleep well last night.
Anonymous
Do you know for sure it’s the parents doing these projects? I’m in my mid 20s but when I was in highschool I was repeated accused of having my parents do my projects, they never did, but I still faced the accusations because they were ‘too good’.
Anon
I know a parent who goes to no evening activities so she can help her kids with their schoolwork. Kids are 16 and 14. Expensive private school, so they have teachers in classes (not like public school kids still learning math on zoom because their classroom doesn’t have a teacher still). I survived the baby years and I don’t think I can handle this whirlwind coming up. Can my kids stay 12 and 10 forever?
Anon
I went to a private school that was very rigorous and I never even thought of asking my parents for help with homework once I was in middle and high school. It was my responsibility!
Cora
What that’s bizarre. If the child needs that much help get it from a tutor, but if its not something like that a 14 and 16 year old should be able to do their own homework. A 16 year old is growing up. They have to be responsible for things.
Senior Attorney
I have colleagues who helped their kids with homework in LAW SCHOOL. I kid you not. Shake my damn head…
Seafinch
My FIL routinely wrote papers/ did homework for both of his kids and would fly his daughter home from law school to do papers “with” her. Shake my damn head is right. (Accompanied by some ungracious swearing under my breath but I also live with the consequences every day….)
Anonymous
How are your husband and his sibling going to do homework for their own kids if they never learned to do their own?
Seventh Sister
What public school is still holding classes on Zoom?
Anonymous
The ones where they can’t get a qualified teacher for a particular class and they have a teacher from another school zoom in to a roomful of kids.
Anonymous
Haven’t read responses but came to say something similar. I often assumed other kids had help but my 8 year old takes after his dad and is just super interested in science stuff. He legitimately knows more about the solar system and the galaxy (and beyond) than I do. He rolls his eyes at me every time he has to re-explain what the Kaiper belt is. Like I try but it’s just not my thing. His creative writing is behind where I was at that age (and only borderline grade level) but his science knowledge is miles ahead.
Anonymous
There is a grade level for creative writing? I am clearly not one of the tiger parents this post is about. My 8 year old goes to a top rated public elem. She doesn’t even get grades – they are still on the “doing alright!”
Trish
In second grade, a kid did his project on Thermodynamics. But that wasn’t the part that got me. All of his captions were printed with a computer fonts, cut perfectly straight and glued with perfection. Did I help my son with his ideas and presentation? Of course I did. But he used his markers and cut his own labels for captions. And it was raggedy.
Anon
I think this is highly regional. I’m in a Midwest college town and there’s none of the craziness that I’ve read about here and heard about from friends on the coasts. Everyone goes to their zoned public K-12 school unless you want religious education, so there’s no question about getting into the “right” pre-K or kindergarten. The vast majority of students at our public high school go to our good but not excellent state universities which accept pretty much anyone from our high school with a decent GPA so there’s no craziness around doing a dozen extracurriculars to impress college admissions officers. A handful of very smart kids go to private colleges but it’s not this rat race others describe. My child’s experience has been very similar to my own 30+ years ago in a similar town. So in our area at least it doesn’t seem like time has changed things much.
Anon
There have always been crazy-pushy parents out there – some of my friends had them, when I was in high school, 30 years ago. It’s up to you whether or not you choose to engage in the competitive childrearing (same as it has been since the day your kids were born). And whether you buy into the whole “getting into an Ivy League school is the only way you can have a successful future” narrative anyway. I don’t believe that, I have never believed that, and seeing the trajectory of some of the people I went to HS with who ended up at Ivies has just reinforced, for me, that that whole idea is a racket. One of the guys I graduated with who went to Harvard, and then Yale law, came back to our home state and is a lawyer in a regular ol’ personal-injury and employment-defense law firm, a job he could easily have gotten had he stayed in our state and gone to State U and then the law school attached to State U. I have a friend who graduated from Stanford, grad and undergrad, and he didn’t want a high-pressure career so he and I are in the same field, except he’s making less money and is lower-ranked in his company than I am. Meanwhile a woman I knew who went to our hometown State U is a corporate executive vice president at a major cell-phone carrier and another, who went to State U Medical School, is an internationally-renowned expert in her field of practice. People’s choices, determination, and drive determine their career trajectory, not whatever college they go to. People can wash out of their careers after Harvard or Princeton the same way they can if they go to State U; the only difference is the amount of money spent on the degree.
All that to say: you have agency in this situation and can choose to get sucked into all the BS, or keep your head on straight and parent your kids the way you intuitively know they need to be parented, and help them keep their heads on straight. You don’t have to follow the crowd off the end of the pier if you don’t want to.
anon
Slow clap to all of this.
theguvnah
I totally agree it is up to individual parents to opt out of this.
Structurally and societally, we have create multiple generations of college educated, smart women and then made it so hard for them to both parent and have a career that many have opted into SAHparenting and then channel all of their type A skills into competitive parenting. it’s a vicious cycle.
Senior Attorney
Amen, amen!
Trish
You are not crazy; they are! Don’t fall into the race trap. I am on a Facebook page for parents of college students and the helicoptering never stops for some of these parents. Down to parents calling restaurant parents because Susy had to work three days before the hurricane and the parents wanted Susy to drive home. Note: we are in the safest city in Florida and no one ever needs to evacuate.
Anon
My kids went to high school pre pandemic. Let me assure you that this was always the case.
Let your kids run their own race. You do not need to compete with these parents.
Katie
This is why we moved. We lived in the DC area (Arlington) for a long time, and we loved a lot about the area. But we took a look around and saw the overly competitive parents and high pressure environment schools, and we decided we didn’t want that for our kids. We moved to a MCOL area with schools that are quite good but probably aren’t going to win any “Best School Ever!” designations. And it’s soooo much better. There are still a handful of parents that go overboard with everything. But the percentage of people like that is so much lower than in our old district.
Seventh Sister
While I like a lot of things about having older kids, I think other parents were more pleasant to deal with in elementary and middle school. When my kids were tiny, I felt isolated as a working mom and some of the other parents were zealots about things that made no difference by the time the kids were in k (e.g., c-section or no). I wasn’t expecting the high school parents to be so personally invested in whether the kids have to dress out for gym or have to make up a test on a particular date.
I try to keep my eyes on my own paper (i.e., my own kid) and focus on what she’s up to as opposed to the parents who are psychos.
Anonymous
DH and I got a weekend away without our HS soph son and talked about a lot of things and one of the topics that came up was what we want our son’s last two and a half years at home before college to look like. I mentioned that I don’t want our son to have too many resentments about our parenting or regrets regarding high school and college. DH was SHOCKED. He REVERES his parents even now and does not believe ANYONE can resent their parents. I beg to differ – lol.
DH and I grew up in very similar homes – Asian American immigrant parents, UMC, ivy or bust, and back then in the 90s both of our families – as well as all families we knew in our culture – made sure their kids had virtually no money and no cars, even though they could afford to give us money or allow us to work bc the idea was that a kid who has money in his pocket will be hanging at the mall with his friends, rather than studying 24-7 and what if that hurt his or her ivy league prospects. So my resentments or regrets center around money and not being allowed to work for money and just not being allowed to have ANY fun because OMG what if I hadn’t gotten my two ivy degrees.
Bigger question – do you have any resentments or regrets regarding how you were raised esp in the later teen years? Anything you wish your parents did differently? I ask with the caveat that I do now understand that my parents were immigrants to a new country and had no clue, they did what they thought was best. But I do wish they’d calmed down a bit even over the summers.
Anon
I am one of those people who cut off all contact with abusive and cruel family members.
I’m not going to bother to explain something like that to someone like your DH. If he can’t understand that some parents suck and harm their kids with their problems, he needs to grow up. Yea, most parents love their kids more than anything in the world and every day try to make the best decisions they can. But that isn’t universal.
Anon
+1
Bring related is no guarantee of a healthy relationship.
Anon
Grass is always greener :) I was a huge nerd and my parents . . .weren’t. They refused to pay for certain nerdy activities, tried to urge me to do cooler activities etc. Same thing — they are loving people who did their absolute best but I wish they had just accepted having a nerdy daughter and embraced it.
Anon
I wasn’t super nerdy but my parents definitely weren’t strict with grades. If I got a C it was bad but they weren’t wondering why I got an A- instead of an A. I wish I worked harder in high school and college.
Anon
Why? Would your life have turned out differently? I’m forever grateful that I didn’t kill myself in school and turn into an anxious mess. I’ve got the same and/or better job than everyone I know who took that approach.
Anon
Who knows? Gone to a better college and law school, better grades, better job prospects earlier in my career, met different people, etc. I think I turned out ok but what if I did better?
Anon
My parents (not great students themselves) made snide comments if I came home with a 98 instead of a 100. “What happened to those extra two points, ha ha?” I was suicidal for years.
Anonymous
Along these lines, I’d say support the kid you have and what you think he needs even if that means not doing what you think you SHOULD DO. So if you have the kid who’d be happiest going to programming camp or science fairs all over the state, and you have the time and financial means to make it happen – even a few times – then do that. They’ll remember it.
If you have the kid who is hyper stressed about getting into the ivys, let him know early and often that the ivys aren’t make or break and you’ll be happy regardless even if you are an ivy alum. And then when you see him getting super stressed about academics to the exclusion of life the do the opposite of your parents did. Give him a few bucks and tell him to go out to pizza with his friends or order in food and invite friends or go to the homecoming dance or whatever with a girl even if she’s just a friend because it’ll be a nice Friday night and he’ll be a part of something his class did. I grew up in a home like OP and I feel VERY similarly. The memories are what sticks with you, not the A in AP bio – so don’t deny your kid memories just because of academics.
Anonymous
Nope my parents were great. They also weren’t hyper controlling and competitive like yours. I don’t think “child has no regrets” is a reasonable goal but you sure can parent differently!
anon
After being an above-average student, but not an excellent one, throughout my life, I got into some leadership activities in high school that helped me stand out and pull away from the pack. And my parents were so, so proud, and that meant a lot to me because they’d been fairly hard to please. (Not about grades, necessarily, but conduct in general.) I wish they’d spent more time being concerned about my emotional well-being in high school and college. Maybe it wasn’t their fault completely, but I became very good at people-pleasing and masking the underlying anxiety and worry I was experiencing. I still struggle with that today. So, parents, don’t assume because your kid is doing well that they really are OK. Ask the hard questions. Talk to them about what’s stressing them out. Give them a pressure valve. Be a safe landing place. I know that I was so happy about pleasing my parents that I didn’t want to worry them with MY worries. And that’s not a great place to be.
Cora
I was definitely anxious as a kid but it manifested itself in ways my immigrant parents couldn’t notice, and that’s what my regrets are around. I think a lot of this was before high school for me though. I agree with the “hard to please” and generally expecting me to fit a certain mold that was the most damaging.
Anne-on
This. I am hyper focused on my kid’s emotional state – it’s hard to be a neurodivergent kid and I want more than anything for him to feel like he never has to hide anything and can always come to us.
My parents were 100% the opposite – think Red & Kitty in that 70’s show – we should never complain, never express our feelings, etc. I was expected to get fabulous grades but had very little support/guidance on how to get tutors/study tips/etc. We have a very superficial relationship now and they resist any discussion on how they weren’t the best parents ever. Frankly, one of my parenting guideposts is ‘do the opposite of what my parents would have done’.
anon
OP of the comment, and YES. I am much more attuned to my kids’ emotional states than my parents ever were to mine. I don’t think they were ill-intended, but neither are especially aware of their own emotions, so it’s probably not surprising that they sucked at helping me through mine. Whenever I expressed emotions, I generally got a negative, not supportive, reaction. Now that I have older kids, I’ve noticed that this is affecting me all over again. Like it’s no wonder I have an anxiety disorder and try to avoid my own feelings at times. Undoing that is hard work.
Anon
But were our parents even attuned to their own emotional state? I thin for many (including my parents), they were trying to keep their heads above water, and that didn’t leave much bandwidth for considering their own happiness or that of their children.
Anon
I wish my mom was more understanding (or understanding at all) of my teenage moods, insecurities, and general emotional needs. It’s like she didn’t remember being a teenager herself and just thought I was sullen, selfish and difficult. To be clear, I was a good kid, she never had to worry about me sneaking around, drinking, or getting bad grades. But to this day I feel like she never accepted me for who I am, or cut me any slack when I was a hormonal teen, when all I needed was unconditional love. Yes, I would talk back (nothing crazy), and liked to sleep a lot, etc. Which is all completely developmentally normal. Now that I have two kids, I understand how a parent’s patience wears thin, and I’m sure the teenage years will be hard, but I still think I will be more emotionally aware of what they are going through and what they need from me.
anon
+100
Anon
Amen. This is also what I would say. My resentments are all about my emotional relationship with my parents. We’re not at all close now and it can be traced back to the constant invalidation of every thing I ever felt as a teenager.
Anonymous
They had different standards for my younger brother and I, not sure if it was because I was the oldest so they were still working things out, or because I’m a girl. But I had an earlier, strict curfew, and he did not. Still burned about that one. Especailly because guess who got a DUI in high school (not I!!!!!)
pugsnbourbon
Arghh my younger sisters NEVER had a curfew. “Oh, we just called mom when we were on our way home” WHATTTT?
very anon
My parents would not allow me to date at all. Would basically not allow me to hang out with boys ever. I snuck out and engaged in risky behaviors as a result. Went a bit wild in college too. I did have a heart to heart with my mom as an adult about how they way they acted was wrong and damaging, and she acknowledged it and sort of apologized. My dad died before we could have that conversation.
I now have a daughter (young elementary age) and am determined not to repeat that mistake, will be focusing on giving her good tools around consent, real sex ed, etc.
Anon
Banning kids from dating doesn’t make sense to me. You can’t ban them from it, you can only make them do it covertly.
Anon
Oh my goodness yes.
Honestly, the biggest resentment is that they didn’t let me be myself. My parents were incredibly strict in a way that was damaging to me. They constantly invalidated my feelings and interests. They withheld praise or love unless I was a perfect high achiever. They constantly criticized and questioned my decisions.
So, don’t do that. I think the biggest thing is that your kids understand they’re in a supportive environment where they are encouraged to be successful at the things they like and are naturally good at.
anon
Yes, this was my experience too. I grew up believeing that you had to earn love and caring by being perfect, and I tolerated way too much poor treatment of others. Learning that my feelings matter, and MY needs matter has been a hard journey.
Anne-on
This. It has taken a LOT of therapy to work through and I’m very proud that while *I* still feel like I’m a working on it, my kid hears how much we love him unconditionally all the time.
Anon
I commented above about this being my resentment too, and I also want to say that it totally effed me up for adult relationships. It took a lot of therapy to get to a point where I was able to actually express my feelings in romantic relationships.
Anon
I think the main thing is not about activities – it’s that kids and especially teens can really, really tell when their parents wish they were different whether that means smarter, cooler, sportier, more attractive, could go in any direction. So I’d urge you to focus on loving and embracing and celebrating your kid exactly as they are in this moment, even if that means going outside of your comfort zone.
Cora
+10000000000000000000000
Anon
Yup, this is the best advice on this thread. And please don’t try to live vicariously through your kids. I was a nerdy, socially awkward kid with nerdy, socially awkward parents, but my dad (who had less of a social life than I did) would always give me grief about being home with my parents on Friday nights. He wanted me to be out socializing more than I wanted to be out socializing. And it’s not like he was some social butterfly himself, it was like he wanted to re-do his high school experience through me. Not good.
anon
I’m not Asian American, but I had an eerily similar experience in high school. I wish I had learned to drive as it gets so much harder to do so later on in life. It has not held me back professionally, but I am so busy these days that I can’t see when I will have the time and energy to go through the process of dealing with the motor vehicle agency and, you know, actually learning to drive.
I also wish I had been allowed to work a normal service job instead of interning in a science lab but I can’t deny that, in the long run, having the high profile internship on my resume really helped open doors.
Anonymous
Oh, gosh. I can see how learning to drive feels harder and harder the longer you go without doing it, but it really truly is not that hard. Give this to yourself ASAP just so you don’t have this looming over you and becoming a bigger and bigger cloud. You can do it! The DMV also is not as difficult as it is made out to be. You just need to locate a few documents you probably already have.
theguvnah
I get very judgmental of people who have never held a service job especially in high school or college (I know yours doesn’t seem to be your fault!) I think it does a real disservice to young people to miss that. It is a HUGE education into the world and working with people.
Clementine
I was smart and they had issues (nasty divorce, dad was an alcoholic, mom was overwhelmed) so they relied on me to be an adult from the time I was 12.
I wasn’t. I was a very bright teenager with likely ADHD. So I did need help filling out those forms and doing my PT after surgery. No, I couldn’t just ‘handle it myself’. I was 16, of course I wasn’t going to be able to manage all the logistic stuff you couldn’t!
Notinstafamous
Your description really resonates with me!
I wish my parents had been more engaged and supportive. They were… fine. They were dealing with their own issues and because I was doing ok (or hiding when I wasn’t doing ok because they clearly weren’t and I didn’t want to add to the load), just sort of left me to my own devices from 13 or so onwards. It mostly worked out in the end, but I wish I had support for the practical things like driving to practices of a sport I loved, applying to universities, helping me do my PT after injuries, finding a tutor when I was struggling in math, course selection, etc. rather than just forging their signature on everything and doing it myself. Emotionally it lead to me being quite walled off and unaware of my own emotions, which is something I’m still unpacking and working on.
I resented them for a number of years, then realized what I really needed to do was grieve the parents that I wish I had (and they really should have been), acknowledge that they would never be those people, and move on with my life.
More Sleep Would Be Nice
DH’s family was similar – parents are two fundamentally good, divorced when he was in early elementary, and because he “was fine” he was often treated as an adult (e.g. parent says “I have a new girlfriend/boyfriend – what do you think?”), left alone a lot, had some financial support but had to figure out the big things like high school coursework, college, etc. largely on his own. It’s been a lot of learning/understanding for both of us when it comes to raising our own kids. Work on progress.
My parents weren’t perfect, but they are were pretty great. I am always grateful that while I had some of the immigrant child pressures OP mentioned, status wasn’t a thing with them – I had jobs (retail, restaurant, etc.) starting at 16, was told that we could afford in-state tuition but anything beyond that (grad school, out-of-state) would require a scholarship, or for me to do more financial management of it on my own.
pugsnbourbon
I love my parents and always knew they loved me. They are very cautious, anxious people and I both inherited their genes and also grew up in that … soup. I wish they’d gotten me help earlier – but being so anxious themselves maybe it seemed normal? And they could have eased up on grades but they knew they couldn’t pay for college and we needed scholarships.
The other side effect of them being so cautious is that it made me very risk-averse. From this perspective I realize I missed out on a lot of things because I was so afraid to fail.
anon
I resent that my parents cared only about my achievements and academic development and not at ALL about my development on other fronts. Like, was I learning to build healthy relationships? set boundaries? Be a good friend, but also able to impose some distance when needed? learning healthy sleep habits? self compassion? etc etc. I mean they did their best, but those were hard lessons to learn as a young adult. When I raised this point with my dad re; just caring about academics he said “what else is there?” so.
Anon
Ugh, my parents were similar. They were financially stable but very anxious about money because my father was a child of the Depression. So academics were important because they were seen as a key to a well paying job. My desires for a social life, friends, weekly trips to movies like other kids of the 80s were just not important to them. I found my social outlet in more conservative version of the religion they raised me in, which was not a good thing in the long run.
Anonymous
Same. Honestly I always assumed it was being from an Asian immigrant household, but now reading these I wonder if this was just 90s parenting. Nothing mattered besides school, nothing esp to my dad. To my mom, it was school plus being stuffed full of Indian food at all times. And now all that matters is job and money. But having friends? Nope. Learning how to go to a party or group event or new EC where you felt uncertain but it was good for you as a human to develop those skills, nope. Any type of life skill be it fixing a simple thing to gardening to anything else, nope. Navigating friend relationships, nope. Happiness, lol nope.
I learned all these things but it took me a LONG time to learn them on my own and I resent that I didn’t really know how to make friends and didn’t really have friends until I was later in law school and then in biglaw. I do still feel lucky that I learned these things because I started to realize their views on life of – put your head down and work hard and nothing else matters – were BS around college or law school. So then it took a decade or so thereafter to learn the things I could’ve learned in a year or two in middle school when frankly there are more opportunities to socialize and you aren’t ten thousand steps behind your peers. My sister OTOH bought it so completely to their view because daddy can never be wrong view, that she still hasn’t learned any of these things and it’s quite sad at age 45. She’s lonely and disconnected but simply cannot push herself out of her comfort zone which is work. Anything goes wrong or gets too real, oh gotta go I have to work and my parents encourage this STILL. And she’s now in a lifestyle job post investment banking where she is the one who is CHOOSING to work nights and weekends constantly, she does not have to.
Anon
Well, I do agree with your Mom that being stuffed with Indian food at all the time is my goal…. ;)
Anon
My parents wanted me to stay home and go to community college for a year before going and did not want me to stay in the dorms at the big university 1.5 hours from home. I applied for aid myself (they tried to even prevent my FAFSA so of course would not co-sign any loans). They also continued to claim me on their taxes regardless of the fact that I worked 3-4 jobs and supported myself until they could not do it. I believe they would send a little bit of money for a refund but no doubt they reaped the benefits of claiming me more than if I had claimed myself.
I do not think they would have helped me even if I had stayed but I think the money would have stretched longer. I was 18 and ready to be out of there, 3 younger siblings in a small house, pretty rocky relationship with alcoholic father who still has a problem to this day. I had no loans from that time but did end up taking loans out in year 5 because I wanted to study abroad and had exhausted my savings. I worked throughout school and probably my grades suffered. I attended a lower tier grad school with full loans and even though I was so careful with money, I am still paying those off.
I wouldn’t say I resent them but looking back there is no way I would have had the experiences I had or found jobs that I had without those first-year connections.
But I remember at age 20, starting to say I love you to my parents every time I hung up the phone. I have a very good relationship with them now even though my dad gets white girl wasted at most events, we sort of just laugh about it now. I also remember them being semi supportive of any type of rebellion by telling me that they are doing their jobs if I am rebelling but reminding me that certain decisions can affect you for the rest of your life (tattoos, criminal convictions, etc.). There is a sort of “you were right” twinge when I pay those loans back each month but at the end of the day it all worked out. They never pressured me to have kids or be anything other than happy and I am a very successful happy woman.
Anon
I’m Indian-American, and I suspect that you had a different experience from your husband because you of gender. Asian parents tend to keep much stricter and unreasonable constraints on girls (patriarchy!), and it can cause resentment.
Anonymous
Oh, boy, do I have resentments. I resent that my parents refused to let me attend summer programs that I got scholarships to. I resent that when I was sick for an entire semester of my senior year they refused to take me to the doctor, so my grades and quality of life suffered. I resent that they did not know or care anything about how college admissions and financial aid worked and did not explain to me that because our EFC was zero I could easily have gone to private college instead of in-state public school. I resent that they didn’t let me get a driver’s license so I could have a job and afford plane tickets to visit those private schools. I resent that even if I’d been able to pay for college visits they wouldn’t have let me fly.
Now I have a teenager and I envy all the advantages she has. Health care, unlimited high-quality food, cute clothes, professional haircuts, the best public school we could find to meet her needs, camps, extracurriculars, travel, privileges, a driver’s license, financial support, all of it. I have very little patience when she complains about anything because her life is just so good that she really has no right to be unhappy ever.
anon
I hear you, but it’s not OK to take out your resentments on your daughter. She has a better life than you did, absolutely. But she may have her own worries and concerns and anxieties.
Anon
Yikes, you envy your own child??
anon
I’m the daughter in a parallel situation. my life was honestly hard and growing up was a disaster. but my mom’s childhood was so beyond horrific (think s*xual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse etc etc, no money, having responsibility for grandparents7 kinds bc she was the girl) that I don’t think she really has a basis for understanding that just because my life has been orders of magnitude better than that and I am deeply grateful doesn’t mean that a reasonable person in my shoes wouldn’t have feelings about things and she should help me learn to navigate them. I think you can be kinder in helping her find her way and have gratitude in way that isn’t insensitive and dismissive.
Anon
Oooof this way of thinking is very very toxic. I feel sorry for your daughter.
Anon
I hear you Anon at 11:37.
While others are being a little hard on you, I think that what I have also seen in life is too many adults who do not empathize with others sufficient after having grown up in a relatively sheltered life with many advantages. Some kids get spoiled/ungrateful or just simply… a bit clueless, and I also don’t have much patience for that.
What can help a little for your daughter is to make sure she volunteers/reads/is involved in the community too.
And for those that don’t understand your perspective, well…. they should empathize more too.
Anon
Yeah, the empathy should go both ways! Rather than resent her own daughter and dismiss all of her complaints, she can empathize. Not to mention that everything in the daughter’s life is a direct result of the parents, so it’s a little ridiculous to be envious of it.
Anon
And it’s weird to me that she lumped expensive camps and fancy travel in with healthcare and food. Like one is definitely a luxury but the other is a basic human need.
Senior Attorney
Gently, Anon at 11:37, can you re-frame the difference between your life and your daughter’s so that in parenting her, you are re-parenting yourself? I’m sure it’s tough when she complains, but maybe focus on the good parts and let the pride and joy in that overshadow her cluelessness? (And yes, having her give back to the community in some way is a great idea!)
Anon
I think it makes sense to wish you had the childhood that you are giving your daughter but oh my, I think you take it to an unhealthy and very toxic level! I think you should obviously look into therapy for how you treat your daughter. She probably doesn’t feel heard or understood or validated.
Anon
Yeah, I think therapy is called for. It seems to me that this really more about your own childhood than your daughter’s. If you had worked through the bad stuff in your past it wouldn’t bother you as much to see your child having more than you did.
I had a good childhood, but my kid is having a better one. We are much better off financially than my parents were and she has local grandparents who adore her and spend lots of time with her whereas my nearest grandparents were 1,500 miles away. I don’t feel jealous at all. Yes, kids whine about dumb stuff and it’s annoying when they do, but every day I’m grateful I can give my kid XYZ and seeing her experience things I never got to have, like grandparents who are super involved in her daily life, makes me happy and fulfilled, not jealous or resentful.
Anonymous
Holy cow. No, I do not say anything to my daughter about how privileged she is! She doesn’t even know much about my childhood. It’s just my burden to bear.
Anon
Oh man, I could not be with anyone who reveres their parents like that or who would always put their parents above anyone else. It’s healthy and normal not to worship your parents! Seems to be a problem with Asian families specifically?
Anonymous
Yeah I feel like it’s a hard but important turning point in your life when you recognize that your parents are just people. Flawed and doing their best just like everyone else including you. I can’t imagine becoming a parent while still holding your own parents on that pedestal, that would be so much pressure!
Anonymous
No, my husband is a WASP and reveres his dad. He expects the same reverence from our kids and it is not good.
Anonymous
Care about things and allow them to care about things that aren’t school, college, career or money. And I don’t mean health or family. I mean something FUN that they do just because it’s fun and not because it’ll get them something. My parents simply did not believe in that sort of thing and still don’t and to them fun or playing was a waste of time. To me – guess what when you’re in that challenging career making the zillions, guess what sometimes it’s that time in your garden or golfing or driving around singing that really recharges you and keeps you going.
Anon
My parents were mostly great. Not too intense about grades (partially because I was very intense about them) and for sports and extra curriculars they were encouraging and let me do whatever I wanted, so long as I did something (I did a ton). I was much more type A and desired to be high achieving but I was in a pressure cooker high school. I had your average teenage social issues but nothing drastic; I’m still friends with 3 of my closest HS friends.
A few things I wished my parents had done differently:
– my friends and I were really good kids, but we all had strict parents. The vast majority of my group had little to no interest in drinking or boys (and none of us had any interest in drugs or big partying) but I was one of the few who was more wild for our very tame group. However, my parents were very strict so I was very sheltered going into college. I definitely wished I had gone to more parties and broke more rules and had more fun in high school, though this didn’t happen as much as I would have liked due to both my parents’ strictness and my friends’ disinterest.
– I definitely suffered from anxiety, perfectionism, and comparing myself against some classmates. I wish I had had mental health support in high school. To be fair, this was really rare for anyone at the time (only 10-15 years ago).
– I knew we were middle class in a school where most people were upper class but we never discussed finances. I got to choose my college because I liked it, not because it was the most affordable option. I wish we had discussed the implications of this and how it’d impact my post-grad finances but we didn’t. I would have had student loans regardless of where I went and I still likely would have chosen my school because it was a great fit but there wasn’t even a conversation.
– In general, my parents aren’t great at communicating their plans or expectations and high school was no exception
– my mom taught at my high school which was rough at times. I hated being known as Mrs. Smith’s daughter, for example. Some peers were weird around me because she was their teacher. When you’re 14 and everything your mom does is embarrassing, it’s 1000x worse at school. It also meant we were more or less together all day every day.
– I was a moody, stressed, anxious teenage girl. My mom and I really clashed and did not get along much of my teenage years. We’re very tight now but it was not good then. I wish she had approached dealing with me differently. Especially since I was a kid who got As and didn’t get in trouble.
– I wish praise and expectations weren’t so different for my brother and I. I was the “higher achieving” student so I was expected to get As. He’s very smart but had learning disabilities and didn’t do as well in school and so a) he got ALL of their attention and focus and b) he’d get praised for going above and beyond when the same thing was just expected of me.
– even today, I just do my thing and it’s nbd but his life is very much the focus of our family.
anon
There were plenty of things I resented my parents about at the time, but none of that resentment stuck. They did a good job of setting high standards for conduct and academic performance through norms, rather than rules; they helped develop a strong but not fundamentalist Christian faith that has been a huge positive factor in my life; and they helped me become an independent and self-directed person. Did they care a lot about my grades, my behavior, etc? Yes, but not in a way that made me feel like they cared more about those things than about my happiness.
Anon
We try not to make the mistakes our parents make, but then we make new ones.
Love your kid, let them be an individual, set boundaries around safety but not success. Do your loving best. Your kid may resent some aspects and that’s ok. Questioning your parents’ choices is part of growing up. You can’t prevent it.
Senior Attorney
Oh, boy, your first sentence is so true!! Also cosign the second paragraph.
I have/had a ton of resentments about my parents, up to and including their failure to make plans for their old age that left me reluctantly in charge of everything. Lo and behold, now that they’re both gone, when I think of them it’s almost always about the good things. I consider that a real blessing. (I’m sure this isn’t very helpful to the OP, but there it is.)
Anonymous
I started to answer this question in a pretty vanilla way and then dredged up some pretty dark stuff. Wow.
anon
Where to begin. Pay attention to my emotional health and not just whether I’m getting As and behaving well. Please don’t teach me that self-worth is based on achievement and people pleasing. Please don’t teach me to be judgmental of others who don’t prioritize school/academic achievement like I (you) do. Please teach me to prioritize self care and that my happiness matters. I know they were just trying to set me up for success but material success isn’t the only thing necessary to make a happy life. Beyond that, a system of perfectionism and basing your self-worth on external achievement will eventually come crashing down around you sooner or later, which will ultimately threaten your material success.
anon
– It’s great for teens to have a part time job to earn fun money (money they can spend when going out with friends, clothes that they want but don’t need). As a parent I strongly believe you should pay for your kids’ necessities, including toiletries, basic wardrobe, extracurriculars, and special events like homecoming tickets. My friend’s parents forced her to pay for literally everything, including tampons and toothpaste. She developed serious money anxiety because of this.
– Don’t harp on their minor flaws. My parents acted like my unmade bed was the end of the world when I was a model teenager in every other way.
– Don’t project your own anxieties and issues onto your kid. My mom made me wait until 8 months after my 16th birthday to take my drivers test even though I was a perfectly average driver. I found out later that she had gotten into an accident on the way to her own drivers test thirty years earlier and was projecting that fear onto me. I never forgave her for that one.
Things they did right:
– They trusted me unless I did something to lose their trust
– If I wanted my laundry done more often or something different for dinner then I had to take on that chore myself
– They didn’t make my life difficult for the sake of making my life difficult. I remember a commenter saying someone should intentionally renovate their daughters’ shared bathroom poorly so that the kids wouldn’t be spoiled. If you can do something nice for your kids that doesn’t build bad habits then why not make their life more pleasant?
Anonymous
– Constant criticism. About my skin, weight, clothes, grades, you name it. I’m never doing enough. This has continued into adulthood; no matter what I do it’s never good enough.
– Assuming the worst of me/extreme paranoia. I was basically on lockdown from the time I started my period (at 11). There had to be an adult in the same room as me at all times; over time I lost all my good friends because their parents either wouldn’t agree to my parents’ rules or they assumed I must be a horrible kid for my parents to be so paranoid, which my parents took as more evidence that I was awful because clearly I was the one pushing everyone away. I wasn’t allowed to do things like ride bikes around the neighborhood anymore. I had always been a tomboy but I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my guy friends anymore because clearly I was trying to sleep with all of them. I went from an A to a C cup basically overnight, which made my t-shirts tight, and that was obviously because I wanted attention from men, nevermind they were exactly the same shirts I’d always worn. I was always a good saver but my parents emptied the joint savings account because they didn’t want me to have access to any money – even after I started working. All great things to teach a young woman about how she should be treated by someone who claims to love her!
Anonymous
I resent that my mother treated any failure, or even just bad news, on my part as an enormous burden and frustration to her, even though she demanded that I be extremely independent from the beginning and did not actually take on the task of helping me to address or resolve my failures or navigate unfortunate circumstances. It was a tantrum that might include verbal abuse and physical manifestations of the burden to her followed by no assistance. Indeed, she still behaves this way, with a much milder tantrum, even though she effectively stopped parenting me, other than providing financial support, when I left for college. When I specifically asked for a little emotional support at 21, her response was to say that emotional support was not an appropriate ask of a mother, especially at that advanced age.
So I’d say – your kids’ problems are theirs, your job is to help them navigate them but not solve them, and to not stop parenting altogether just because your kid is considered an adult, esp when they invite your advice or support.
Anonymous
My parents were just fine. I was a really bright kid, and the oldest. They didn’t force me to do anything- I instead had to ask/force them for stuff.
One thing I wish were a bit different is they didn’t really push me to do any kind of sport, and when I wanted to quit they didn’t push back at all. I’m not suggesting they should have *made* me do things, but at least with our kids we ask them to give it one more try if they want to quit a sport/activity (only when we think it’s a decision they will regret). And then we listen. And for my 9 year old, I feel like I have a good handle on her personality. Sometimes “no” means “no way” and sometimes it means “I’m a little nervous about saying yes.” The most recent example is starting to play basketball, which was a “no” until I let her know that a bunch of her friends are doing it, that it wouldn’t interfere with anything else she wanted to do, that there were no weekend games so it wouldn’t mess up her ability to ski or have sleepovers, and that there was a clinic before the season started. She agreed to do the clinic and if she liked it, she’d sign up. She came home from the clinic *beaming* and hoped it wasn’t too late to sign up for the winter. If she’d had a bad time, I would have dropped it. FWIW she’s one of the best players on her team and they are #2/10 in the town program this winter, which is the best she’s ever been at a sport ;)
Carry On Luggage
Rec for best carryon luggage for domestic business travel, anywhere from 1-3 nights? I’m looking for a serious upgrade from my current luggage. Eying some of the Tumi international bags.
I’m ok with hard sided, but it can’t split down the middle, if that makes sense. One side needs to be deeper than the other.
Looking to purchase online today if at all possible. TIA!
Anon
While it is split down the middle, I love my Away bag. Just got a new one that has an extended option and they’ve radically improved on their already great wheels. The compression system is great and I can get so much in there. Highly recommend. For looks alone, I like the Paravel line but I’m loyal to the Aways.
Anon
I love my TravelPro hard side (very similar to Away but half the price and IMO just as good), but it is also split down the middle.
anon
We ended up buying Briggs and Riley because Tumi was sold out and I’ve never been a hardshell fan. Thoughtfully designed, and has worked well.
Anon
So I wasn’t a hardshell fan until I had a soft sided suitcase left in the rain at the airport effectively ruining everything inside. From then on, I switched for air travel.
Anon
We flew out of Phoenix yesterday and it was raining buckets. As we were sitting on the plane, I saw a luggage cart go by with a whole bunch of soft-sided/fabric suitcases on it – completely unshielded from the rain. I thought, the poor folks who own those suitcases are going to get to their destination and everything inside will be soaked. So completely co-sign, I think hard-sided is better.
Anon
I also flew out of Phoenix yesterday and to this Midwesterner it was barely a drizzle :) Your standards for heavy rainfall are different in the desert! But to your point, I rarely check bags now but for years I had soft-sided luggage, and you would be surprised how soaked it could get with the inside remaining completely dry. I’m sure it depends a bit on the brand, but a high quality brand will have waterproof barriers even on a fabric suitcase.
Cat
I have been very happy with TravelPro. I stick with the rollaboard style even though the 4-wheel spinners are more popular – while the spinners are great on smooth airport floors, they are a nightmare when wheeling around a city – they catch on absolutely everything.
Anon
Not the OP, but I’m way too much of a Princess to wheel a bag around a city! This just made me smile.
Anon
But they convert so you don’t need to use it in spinner mode in a city. I have a spinner bag and push it on airport floors but pull it around the city. I will never ever go back to regular rollaboards.
Cat
oh interesting, everyone I’ve seen hauling spinners around Philly, it looks like the equivalent of dragging-scraping one set of wheels, which are only half-turning.
Anon
That’s strange. I have a very cheap spinner from Target and it rolls fine if you’re pulling it on two wheels.
Anon
Not the person you’re replying to but I use my Tumi 4 wheeled spinner like two wheeled pull behind all the time, especially in carpeted airports (why, SFO? Why?) and it’s never scraping along. Spinners are the best of both worlds.
Anon
My spinner does not convert. It is rough to drag around.
Anon
I have a lightweight hard sided Tumi Continental carryon. I rarely travel international, and when I do, I travel a U.S. airline, and the Continental size has never been a problem. The International is quite a bit smaller.
Senior Attorney
We just got the Monos carry-on plus and although we haven’t road-tested it yet, it looks great and has awesome reviews so we’re pretty psyched about it.
Anonymous
Is this a scam? I got an email from PayPal saying I have a new payment request. I didn’t click any of the links in the email and instead went to PayPal directly where I also see the new payment request. It says if I don’t recognize the seller to call an 888 number. When I google that number I expect to see some results associating the number with PayPal but nothing comes up. When I call an actual verified number for PayPal I just get an automated phone tree that doesn’t actually get me what I want and says no representatives are available. I tried the PayPal chat bot but the bot couldn’t seem to figure out what I was asking about. So then I tried just calling the 888 number and it just sounded like some random person answering the phone so I hung up. Not sure what to do.
Anon
Scam. Ignore it.
Scam
I got that too but it said Paypal LLC and so I marked it as spam and checked my paypal which had no weird history.
Anon
Yes, a scam.
I get these messages as a text.
Anon
It’s a scam. Do nothing.
Anon
My period has turned into a nightmare, like a crime scene, soaking through tampons and pads sometimes in less than 30 min. It’s totally unpredictable and erratic, so just when I think I get a reprieve it’ll come back full force. It’s honestly hard to function like this. I’ve ruined sheets, cushions, underwear. I’m in my early 40s and have been diagnosed with fibroids. I’ve already gotten an IUD and I thought it was supposed to help, but it’s been a few months and it doesn’t seem to be doing anything.
I have an apptmt with my ob gyn later this week, but in the meantime my mind is racing. Has anyone else dealt with this? I can’t believe women are just expected to cope when they’re constantly wondering when their bodies will betray them next. It’s upsetting and infuriating, and I feel like I can never relax as a result.
anon
You need to insist on a more drastic solution because an IUD is not it. At the very least, you need those removed. And if that’s not an option, consider a hysterectomy. I had fibroids and adenomyosis, and I have ZERO regrets about yeeting the uterus. It was a huge upgrade in the quality of my life.
Anon
I lived like this for years starting at the time I was eleven. Needless to say, it was especially traumatic because I was still a kid and the idea of spotting through (and yes, I did, wearing both a super plus tampon and a pad) was beyond mortifying for teenage me. Once I took over my health care, I went on oral contraceptives and had a d&c, and ultimately, oblation. You have all my sympathies. It’s a rough way to live and your doctor should be proactive in helping you resolve this.
Anonymous
I also had an ablation, and it was life changing.
Nylongirl
Ditto with the ablation. Best thing ever!
Anon
I’m your age and still on the nuvaring, so I barely get a period, but my understanding is that this is extremely common! My doctor told me that if I was happy on my birth control (and didn’t have any risk factors indicating I should stop, which I don’t), it was a great way to avoid this.
Ano
Ugh….I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Unfortunately, it’s pretty common for women your age. It happened to me as well when I was a little older than you and the only thing that worked for me was a hysterectomy. But on the bright side….you’ll never have another period….Hang in there!
Anon
Try discs while waiting for a medical solution. They hold the equivalent of about four to six tampons.
Obviously there is more your GYN can do for you – and there isn’t much wrong with starting with lower intervention methods like an IUD to see if it works. But you probably won’t get your fibroids removed before your next period, so, try a disc.
Anon
If you’re done with kids tell your Gyno you want your fibroids dealt with asap or your uterus removed. Why suffer when you don’t have to? It’s time to advocate hard for better care.
Anon
get evaluated for endometriosis and adenomyosis STAT. Be sure you see an actual Endo expert, not your regular OB. Nancy’s Nook on FB is a good resource (she has a website too). Having expert excision surgery changed my life.
Anon
Nancy’s Nook is truly a wonderful resource.
Anon
PS: monitor your iron panels and hemoglobin closely until you get this under control. I got terrible anemia and iron deficiency (they can be separate disorders) from heavy bleeding and ended up in the ER
Lily
In the short term can you buy some thinx or knix type underwear? It will serve as a backup on days you’re wearing a tampon, and also will give you some insurance in case you weren’t expecting your period at all. They feel and look quite similar to regular undies, just don’t put them in the dryer. Highly recommend.
But agree with everyone else that this needs medical intervention, you shouldn’t have to live like that.
Anon
I’m not a fan of gynecologists who repurpose birth control methods as a solution for every problem. Hopefully you’ll get a recommendation that’s more relevant to the underlying condition. I assume the underlying condition is just fibroids, but heavy periods can be a symptom of many different medical conditions so hopefully they’re checking.
anon
I’m not a fan, either. I’ve been so burned by that approach.
Anon
I got my hysterectomy 6 months ago (age 44) and it was a game changer. Should have done it years ago. Just last week, I overdid it on my run and had to go look for my bottle of Aleve that had previously been my constant companion for 20 years.
I didn’t realize how much self-limiting I’d been doing around activities I liked to do, or staying near a bathroom, etc, until the damn thing was out and it was not longer an issue.
My post-op pain was literally no worse (just different) than what I’d been dealing with.
Anon
When I had this issue in my late 30’s, it ended up being related to a thyroid condition – who knew? Taking Levothyroxine really helped with that (and other symptoms that I had erroneously blamed on post-partum issues).
Solidarity
Same! Except this happened to me as a teenager and it didn’t stop until I was mid-20s and finally got on thyroid medication. I would wear a super plus tampon + pad and still have to run to the bathroom between every class. It was awful and I can’t believe I thought it was normal.
No Face
My mom had a hysterectomy because of her fibroids and loved it. If I get fibroids I will do the same.
anon
I had something similar happen – the fibroid pushed the IUD out of place, so that it wasn’t effective. TBH, I’m a little surprised that they placed the IUD without removing your fibroids first! Having the fibroid removed and a new IUD inserted solved the problem for me, although I developed another fibroid (without any bleeding, fortunately!) that had to be removed about 12 years later.
Anon
I can’t speak to fibroids, but perimenopause has made my periods do dramatic things – more blood than I’ve ever seen, completing filling a Diva Cup – that holds much more than what a tampon does – in a few hours. This month, I had a light period for the first time in my life. Don’t underestimate that perimenopause may be at play. In the meantime, get a menstrual cup – you’ll never go back to pads or tampons.
Anon
+1
My Mom had a hysterectomy for her heavy bleeding/fibroids.
I don’t have fibroids, but have always had heavy irregular periods that were painful and challenging and ignored by my docs. When my peri-menopausal bleeding was as severe as yours, I transitioned to the vaginal cup + pads combo. Much better.
j
Please also have testing done to see if you have a bleeding disorder like von Willebrand Disease! It’s not super rare but is pretty unknown and heavy menstrual bleeding is a hallmark symptom. And there are treatments short of hysterectomy (if you want to avoid).
Anon
Agree with the suggestions on ablation if you’re done having kids.
I don’t think this level of bleeding is something an OB is going to be concerned with as a life threatening illness. My OB defines worrisome bleeding as soaking a pad the minute you stand up after putting it on, and blood running into your shoes. (This was her after-birth precaution.)
So they’re going to define it as inconvenient. As others have said, it’s not uncommon. But there are solutions for the inconvenience. Push for them.
Anon
Medical conditions don’t break down into “inconvenience” and “life threatening.” There is a lot in between.
Anon
It does for every doctor I’ve ever visited, especially OBs.
Anon
Well, that I can believe, but it sounds like a typical example of women getting subpar health care to me.
Anonymous
I had exactly the same issues at the same age – an IUD worked for a little while and then it just…stopped. I would bleed unexpectedly and similarly bleed through a super tampon in under 30 minutes. I researched ALL of the treatment options and even went to the Fibroid Institute at UVA (which no longer exists) and ended up with a hysterectomy. I had a difficult time accepting it at first, mostly because of comments other women made about hysterectomies when I discussed treatment options with them (one straight up told me that she could never have one as it would make her less of a woman). But I am here to tell you that getting a hysterectomy was the best decision of my life. I can wear white pants any time I want. I can have sex with my partner any time I want without dealing with bleeding. So, don’t be me. Skip past the feeling bad part of getting a hysterectomy and go straight to the awesome post-hysterectomy life. Of course, I say all this knowing that I was 100% for sure done having kids. Obv. YMMV if you might want additional bio kids. Good luck!
Oh so anon
I highly recommend a hysterectomy.
Anonymous
Way late on this but don’t be me. I wound up in the hospital with significant blood loss and needing a blood transfusion before finally getting an ablation and tubectomy. Best thing ever.
Clementine
Anybody else frustrated at the never ending series of passwords, multi factor authentications, accounts, and logins for work? Particularly because my job doesn’t allow any type of digital keychain?
I mean, we have old school (undoubtably less secure) workarounds but… half my staff has spent the morning dealing with account lockout issues.
anon
Yes. I understand why we need these things, but it is a massive PITA sometimes.
Anon
Yes. Especially since I don’t have a work device so they’re constantly sending a 2FA pin to my personal phone. And I can’t login to two databases without a physical hard token.
Trish
It is even more fun when your phone doesn’t get good service in the building. And, am I the only one who accidently leaves my phone at home or the car sometimes?
Anon
Absolutely not. If i take my hard token to court, there’s a 90% chance I’m going to leave it in the pocket of the blazer i’m wearing and not have it at work the next day.
pugsnbourbon
Ugh yes! I don’t think I have any more pass phrases in me.
Not that Anne the other Anne
Yes. I changed phones recently and everything moved over easily except my work stuff. I have two separate authentication apps on my phone so I can log into three separate systems. At least one app can authenticate two of the systems or I’d have three authentication apps. And did I mention this is my personal phone and I would really prefer to keep work and personal very separate except I literally cannot?
And that’s not even mentioning that the person I had to talk to about this in my IT department is very dismissive of my (work-issued!) Mac and my personal iPhone due to a general dislike of Apple products. It would have been much faster to accomplish this task if I hadn’t had to listen to all the snide comments about my iPhone.
ALT
Y E S. It is so frustrating and frankly, just plain difficult to remember passwords when they change every 90 days and need to be 20 characters long and can’t be saved in our (company-mandated) password tracker thing. We also just updated our password tracker so now we have to continuously log into that in order to access any saved passwords AND go through 3FA on it…where does it end?!
Anon
As someone who has had very serious identity theft, I’m happy to have two token logins. I still get requests for the token I didn’t initiate from time to time! I have my credit locked down and complex, unique passwords for every site, but the scammers are still following me around. Once your info is on the dark web, it’s there for good.
anon
Yes. I understand why we need these things, but it is a massive PITA sometimes.
Horse Crazy
It’s been a rough January in Northern California, but I have something to look forward to in a couple months – a reunion dinner with some old colleagues and our boss, a now-retired government official. It’s a wonderful group of humans and I’m close to many of them. We were supposed to have a reunion in 2020, but covid, so it’s finally happening now and I couldn’t be more excited.
So, help distract me from these never-ending storms and shop vicariously with me for an outfit. CA in Feb, so it will either be 50s and raining or 60s and clear. It’s at a very nice Michelin guide restaurant. If I were going there on a date night or something, I’d definitely dress up in a little black dress and ankle boots. But these are former coworkers, and I want to err closer to business attire…a bit more conservative, but a little more exciting than a plain sheath dress. I’m size 12-14, 5’8″. I only wear solids, no patterns, and mostly dark colors.
For those following, we got power back after 4+ days literally trapped at home. Thankful for my very handy husband (who, among many other things, solved the problem with our internet that the Comcast guy couldn’t figure out), generous neighbors, having a gas-powered water heater, and the PG&E line workers. Stay safe, Californians!
MBAMags
This sounds like a job for a dress from someplace like The Fold. I’m thinking draping/ structure/ buttons to add interest. Alternate, what about a fabulous jacket on top of your LBD and ankle boots? Like a tweed Chanel type?
MBAMags
Links:
https://thefoldlondon.com/product/greenwich-dress-indigo-wool-jersey/
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/mixed-media-long-sleeve-fit-flare-dress/7143851?origin=coordinating-7143851-0-5-FTR-recbot-recently_viewed_snowplow_mvp&recs_placement=FTR&recs_strategy=recently_viewed_snowplow_mvp&recs_source=recbot&recs_page_type=category&recs_seed=0&color=BLACK
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/bambolah-long-sleeve-midi-dress-nordstrom-exclusive/7148162?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&color=400
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/snakeskin-print-long-sleeve-cady-midi-dress/7252426?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FWomen%2FClothing%2FDresses&color=300
Anon
Ulla Johnson has some fantastic midi dresses on sale at Nordstrom right now that would work.
Anon
I just got this one and love it
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/virginia-floral-print-long-sleeve-silk-midi-dress/7055177
Anon
Oh sorry, saw your solids caveat buttttt check out this dress anyway, it may convert you . . .
Anon
Driving down and back up 17 yesterday while dropping my son off at UCSC was wild! Accidents, flooded areas, evidence of prior mudslides and downed trees on the shoulder, and a massive sudden downpour on what was supposed to be a “clear day.”
Glad you’re hanging in there!!
For your dinner I’d consider a dress from MM LaFleur, which should keep it dressy but still businesslike.
Josie P
Can someone explain to me why I get SO anxious and grumpy when my kid’s coach complains that I didn’t tell them “soon enough” that kid was sick and couldn’t come to their lesson? Kid was fine most of the day and turned into a hacking mess like an hour before practice. Isn’t it better for sick kid NOT to be around the other kids? I think I have quasi-catholic guilt left over from my chorus director’s disapproval when I was a kid myself. Sigh
Anon
Coach sounds like an a$$
anon
This is classic people pleasing behavior. I see this in myself, so not trying to call you out. ;) You did nothing wrong; in fact, you were being responsible.
Anonymous
You’re grumpy because of course sickness can happen quickly; the coach’s insistence on advanced notice kind of presumes the kid is not sick but playing hooky or has another obligation. That’s on the coach not you. I’d be tempted to respond that I’d also like to know exactly when my kids will fall ill a few weeks in advance.
Anonymous
Coach’s perspective- they plan drills and scrimmages and it’s helpful to know as early as possible if someone won’t be there.
In a perfect world, you’d give the coach a heads up that it’s iffy early on and that you’d let them know for sure later.
I understand it’s easier said than done, but I do have parents that are really proactive and it’s very helpful to the team as a whole. If I know Kid A is tentative I’ll set up practice to accomodate it, not plan to run drills centered on Kid A.
Anon
Emailing a coach that your kid “might” be sick seems really extra to me. I’ve had three kids go through various activities and sports and coaches generally didn’t want to be bothered with lots of emails from parents. Of course notify well in advance about vacation plans and the like, but sickness is always a last minute thing and normal people understand that and wouldn’t blame the parent.
anon
Do you want a sick kid infecting the whole team? Geez, the kid was sick, not skipping practice for a scheduled appointment or something.
theguvnah
Yeah you need to work on your people pleasing. It’s ok if he’s annoyed with you. You don’t have to fix that particular problem!
Duckles
What are some foods you eat when nothing sounds good? I am vegetarian and feeling put off by anything sugary/ carby/crunchy/dairy…
Lily
Roasted or steamed vegetables, or avocado, or some tart fruit like black berries? Unsweetened peanut butter?
Anon
For me, it’s scrambled eggs for the win. Figuring okay since you said vegetarian and not vegan.
anon
I think you remind yourself that you need to eat in order to stay healthy and sometimes that means eating something that is good for you even if you don’t feel like it. I know plenty of people who aren’t enthused about the food they eat, including people who have lost their senses of smell and taste, but they know they have to eat and so they do it. I say this only because if you aren’t willing to have sugars, carbs, dairy, or meat, you aren’t able to eat most of the food pyramid.
Nora
To be fair, when I’m in the position Duckles is describing eating many things makes me literally feel like I’m going to vomit. I eat some yogurt and a banana and it passes, but it can be more than just not being enthused about it.
Anon
Homemade Hummus from The plan (always stocked to go at work and home, super easy to make and a hit with the DH and kids) with Carrots or rye crackers, apple with almond butter, salt free potato chips, pumpkin seeds and dried cranberries (trail mix also always on hand), pear and almonds.
Seafinch
Dealing with the resurgence of morning sickness at 31 weeks and struggling to eat. I did a few icy smoothies with frozen strawberries as the base, I add protein powder, collagen, and an egg. Would prefer other things in theory but it’s okay.
Curious
ugh that’s so hard. Also, why is Zofran like doctors’ last line of defense? It’s such a lifesaver.
Anon
Honestly, most doctors will give it if you ask for it – no problem. I have found that most of my friends didn’t ask their doctor about it because they often assume that there symptoms are “expected” / normal and they have to just deal with it. And many women don’t realize that some medications are safe with pregnancy, and/or are scared and just don’t want to take anything.
There is a lot of discomfort/pain associated with women’s health. Periods / childbirth / mammograms / Pap smears etc… are uncomfortable and can often very painful/miserable. Not enough focus is done on trying to improve quality of life/pain/discomfort associated with this. And when I think about how many men avoid things like a prostate exam (that literally takes 2 seconds and has no pain!!!) or colonoscopies – which are only once every 5-10 years when you older and you are asleep for the entire test!!!…….. But as we know, men are not as tough as us. It’s because we have suffered for so long, and told (directly and indirectly….) to stop complaining, which is crazy.
Seafinch
It’s definitely not terrible just general food aversion and loss of appetite. I tried drugs for previous pregnancies and nothing worked so am fine to muddle through. (God, I have been so, so sick in the past). I did just eat a chicken spinach salad and enjoyed it! So that is a win!
Anon
Apples with nut butter. Steamed veggies with hot sauce. Spicy tomato soup, or any spicy/sour soup. Hard boiled eggs
Moose
Smoothies – frozen banana and berries, yogurt, nut butter.
Trish
My go to is always white toast with peanut butter or jelly. That always sounds good to me, it is always available, and its easy. I really need something more healthy.
Anon
Some kind of lentil curry or a lentil soup. I love a good lentil.
Anonymous
Eggs
Apple with peanut butter
Popcorn
Silken tofu with spicy sesame sauce and scallions
Sweet potatoes
Roasted vegetables with romanesco or spicy marinara or pesto
Anon
Some kind of roasted veggie/tofu bowl with a dressing that has enough acid.
Duckles
Thanks all! My main migraine symptom is nausea and it makes it hard to want anything but the fruit/avo toast/sweet potatoes/ eggs suggestions were what I needed 💛
Anon
Looking for recommendations for places to look for a dress for my mom, a youthful 70s to wear to my nephew’s bar mitzvah. Her ideal is something with sleeves (can be short sleeve), fit and flare or A-line cocktail dress, but not a dowdy, mother-of-the-bride type. Any suggestions of stores or designers that have something that will cover her arms but still be fun? Thanks!
Anon
This is a job for Sue Sartor.
Cat
Look at Teri Jon (Rickie Freeman for Teri Jon mb?) – they often have pretty c-cktail styles with lace sleeves and are very popular with my mom’s set for this reason.
Anon
I used to go to the same synagogue as Rickie Freeman! Nice dresses.
Anon
How tall is she and what is her body type?
Moose
Boden usually has a good selection of sleeved dresses.
Anonymous
Tadashi Shoji
Shanananana
I have basically the opposite request from yesterday’s Caribbean question. My friend and I are working our way through staying at all the islands in the Caribbean with a trip each winter and are at a pause on where to go this winter and it feels like we need to plan or its going to May tomorrow. We prefer staying in locally owner smaller hotels/resorts wherever possible, want to eat whatever is delicious and local and want to laze away some days watching the ocean. Bonus points if we can work in a local nature excursion or something related to animals. We have been to Aruba, Puerto Rico (and Vieques), Jamaica, DR, Cayman, Bahamas and most of coastal Mexico and Costa Rica, not interested currently in returning to any of those (although had great times) and are eyeing a smaller island this time around. Talking maybe Curacao, Barbados, Guadeloupe, but open to ideas. Anyone have any travel like a local suggestions to share?
Island Girl
What about Belize in an AirBnB? Or if you liked Aruba, Curacao or Bonaire sound like a fun area. I loved the animals in Aruba we saw the donkeys and the ostriches so that will always be on my list for future trips too. No other suggestions though sorry.
startup lawyer
I stayed at a cute resort in Guadeloupe called Langley Resort Fort Royal. Pretty affordable but fun with ok food (not amazing) and you can add on an inclusive package. hotel can arrange tours and stuff. nice beach
I forget where we stayed in Barbados but I found a hiking club which was free (just voluntary tip) and it was great.
Cat
+1000 to Guadeloupe, the food is fantastic and the Basse-Terre side has good access to outdoorsy stuff. The Langley is the scene for some of the Death in Paradise (British detective series set in the Caribbean) if you want to set the mood ;)
ProfP
another +10000 to Guadeloupe. We went there because we’re fans of Death in Paradise, but loved many things about it (except a lot of traffic around Pointe-a-Pitre). Best thing we did was a pedal boat tour of lagoon, coastline, with gourmet lunch prepared by the guide on a small island. Search for Bel’ Mangrov. It was in French but the guy does speak English.
Anonymous
Could you share where youve already stayed? Sounds like you have great taste!
Anon
Look at Dominica (not to be confused with the Dominican Republic). It’s known as the “nature island” as is off the beaten path. Jungle Bay ecolodge is great and I believe locally owned.
Start of the Week Laugh
My law firm office moved last year and I finally ran out of standard envelopes and ordered more. My new street address has Corporate in the name and I accidentally spelled it Corporette. I picked them up today and noticed that I have 500 new envelopes that have my return address as “123 Corporette Dr.”. I am very strict on any typos or grammatical errors in all correspondence, so my staff is really getting a kick out of that. We are going to use them though since we do not mail all that much. Just thought the hive would appreciate that typo. And maybe the site will even get a little traffic from the mistake lol. Have a good week ladies!
Anon
LOL!
Anon
That’s a good one!
Anon
You could print return address label stickers to put on top! That’s hilarious though.
Anon
Haha! What a typo! But yes, I’d order stickers to cover over ;)
Anon
I love this, thank you for sharing :)
Anon
I’m thinking of 3ll3n when I read this
Senior Attorney
Haha I love this so much!!
qwertyflop
Grommets I hate managing up.
That is all.
Anonymous
Check out backcountry dot com. They have a good collection from a variety of brands.
Trish
I miss the 2010s with the cotton/knit tops with subtle ruffle embellishments or the empire waste tops. I don’t want polyester rayon or plain slub tees for WFH.
DC pandas
Has anyone ever had a panic attack triggered by drinking?
I was at a friend’s birthday party over the weekend and definitely drank too much. Almost an hour after returning home, I became inconsolable- sobbing and hyperventilating while my partner attempted to comfort me. I was fixated on a friend being left alone at the bar, as well as the fear of my partner leaving me/not loving me over this outburst. This went on for over an hour. I’m completely befuddled.
I’m a mildly anxious person, but I’ve never experienced anything like this previously. Nor would I describe myself as a problem drinker.
I’m planning to meet with a professional for some kind of mental health check-in, though I’m not sure what this episode means for me going forward. Any thoughts or advice?
Anon
I get really bad hangxiety, to the point that when I was 24 I had to go over a year without ever having more than 1-2 drinks at a time. Which, wasNOT the norm in my social circles.
Anon
SAME. It’s gotten worse as I’ve gotten older, but the after effects of drinking for me are like 99% mental and 1% physical anymore.
anon
Alcohol IS a depressant, so I don’t think this is out of the realm of possibility. A mental health check-in never hurts, but I’d also encourage you to think about your relationship with alcohol. You don’t have to be a full-blown alcoholic for alcohol to be a problem for you, especially if consumed in large quantities. FWIW, as I’ve gotten older, I have noticed that even a glass of wine can make me more anxious and affect my sleep. Particularly if I’ve been in an anxious state already when I start drinking.
Anonymous
Alcohol definitely triggers anxiety, though as the poster above referenced, I only experience it the next day personally. And I have certainly become fixated on leaving someone behind at a bar or party when there is drinking going on, though certainly not to the point of a breakdown. I think that is about grasping on to the idea of being responsible when I am otherwise being irresponsible.
I am not sure you need to worry for your mental health unless you are concerned about your drinking generally, but do take care of yourself in whatever way you deem fit.
Anon
This has happened to me. The alcohol exacerbates my underlying anxiety and emphasizes all of the terrible thoughts/feelings that CBT can normally keep at bay. I had a panic attack/meltdown at a concert after too many drinks and getting overwhelmed in a crowd, and a very kind staff member checked on my to make sure I was safe with my partner because i was crying so hard i couldn’t speak. (I was safe, and I love that she was a concerned stranger).
I have no real recommendations except to drink less in situations that are emotional and to be aware of your anxiety/panic triggers. <3
Anon
I’ve had this happen when I was also hypogylcemic, but not otherwise.
(Alcohol is a hypoglycemia trigger for me, and hypoglycemia can manifest as panic attack with weeping and hyperventilation for me.)
Anonymous
Yeah alcohol causes anxiety this is well known and common and you need to drink a lot less. It’s not a mystery
Been there!
Yes, this has happened to me and it’s awful. It’s one of the reasons I really limit my drinking anymore.
Anonymous
It’s not terribly uncommon for people to get super emotional about little things when drinking. Obviously I wasn’t there but I’m not sure I’d call what you’re describing a panic attack; I don’t think panic attack is synonymous with emotional breakdown or temper tantrum – both of which can happen to normally rational adults because of alcohol. For me, this exclusively happens during or right before my period, so I am now super super careful about drinking around that time. It’s scary and embarrassing. And yes if this continues then I think it does speak to alcohol issues. Some people are just more sensitive to alcohol than others, and this can change as we age! By all means speak to your doctor if you feel you should, but I think it’s a little like that joke – Patient: doc when I do this it hurts! Doctor: then don’t do that!
Anon
I can’t drink more than a glass of wine unless I want to wake up in the middle of the night with my brain catastrophizing every single thing in my life.
Financial management sources?
What are are your preferred sources – books, articles, courses, anything else – for learning to read financial statements and for financial management and strategy? I don’t have the time or desire to do an MBA but am at a point of my career where I am doing really well as a middle manager (high title, but small org; managing people and budget and responsible for revenue growth but not for profitability at this stage) and looking to increase my understanding of business and my strategic impact on the org, and keep learning.
This has been asked before but I can’t find it and I would appreciate more current recs too.
Chl
HBR has a little mini book on finance for non finance managers that I found helpful.
PJ
Ask your CFO or FP&A person to walk you through your company’s financial drivers or statements as much as they can (some things may be confidential). This is literally their job to help execs understand the $
Other sources: WallStreetPrep self study classes on basic accounting, ($39) financial modeling course or valuation, etc
Anon
Khan Academy
LinkedIn Learning
Wall Street Journal, Economist and HBR all have mini-guides.
For more advanced, Aswath Damodoran has a corporate finance website that should come up if you goog.